#(with the exception of people like abusers who genuinely only wish to cause harm)

[somewhat-very-insane]

there will always be something gross about you. there will always be something that is not socially acceptable about you. there will always be something wrong with you.

and, contrary to what many pseudo-inspirational people like to tell you, the trick is not to learn to love yourself because of, and with all of your perceived flaws.

the trick is to learn how to not hate them quite so much. to learn that while you might never love those parts of yourself, surely there are other people out there who will. you are never the only gross one, you are never the only person who has something wrong with them.

hell, you don’t even have to try to change what people dislike about you, so long as it isn’t genuinely causing anyone harm.

it is okay to be gross, or wrong, or not socially acceptable, or any other insult or thing you can think of. even if you don’t think so.

[myths-tournaments]

Awful Characters Round 2 Part 1 (5/8)

Propaganda under the cut!

SHEN JIU

YES he abused a child and killed an entire manor of people, but it was probably only one child and allegedly the people sucked. Surely this is not behavior deserving of being turned into a human stick or having your body possessed by a weeb. I love him because sometimes mean people are fun and also who can resist a good redemption tale (he deserves one).

BENNY GECKO

The first thing that happens in new vegas is that benny fucking shoots your character in the face, steals your shit and leaves you in an open grave. Benny is by all accounts a bastard. He kills you, steals from you, he killed his last boss, he is the single most duplicitous man around. His gang are all about honesty- except him. He's a lying, cheating bastard. The guys who helped him catch you? He skipped on paying them and left them to get shot to death. His new boss, mr.house? He stole his robot, broke it open, got someone to reprogram it and decided to use it to TAKE OVER THE WHOLE OF VEGAS. Benny literally kills people, lies to people, steals their shit and takes charge. That's all benny does. He gets fucking CRUCIFIED if you don't help him out just because so many people fucking hate him. And yet. And yet. Benny is the single most compelling character in the whole game to me. He's just a little guy! He's just there! You can get shot in the head and come back and he goes "what in the goddamn" and then if you try and flirt with him he's like "uhhh sure? Okay?" And leaves you a polite note in the morning. He's fancy. He wears a stupid suit. He has a tiny gun with shitty bullets. He's catholic. He talks like an old timey news presenter. Literally nobody else in the entire game does that. He's got an intelligence of 3. He's my funtime boy. My silly little man. He's so funny. The antagonist in this game is a guy dressed like a tablecloth who looks at all times like a confused dog who doesn't understand what a tv is. And like. He's compelling. He robs from you, shoots you, but…. he never seems to actually wish you harm. He kills and robs and lies but like. He apologises for doing it to you. When he sees you again he doesn't attack you, he's just… confused. He tries to defuse the situation. You can convince him to talk to you, alone, with no guards and it's not that hard. If you spare his life, he doesn't go after you, like. Even if you sleep with him he doesn't take advantage of that and kill you, even if you try to. He… he just leaves. He gives you an apology. If he gets kidnapped by Caesar He just… apologizes again. He tells you his whole plan to take over the city, too. He thinks he'll die, and he wants something of him to survive. He's happy that you made it. And if you let him free, he just… leaves. He knows he's beat, he doesn't want to cause any more trouble. He walks out and leaves. The NCR will kill you if you cross them. The legion will crucify you. House? He'll blow you the fuck up. But benny, the guy who lies and cheats and schemes, he's honest. He's polite. He's… harmless. You can kill him with a single shot if you want. And he can't kill you. He doesn't kill you the first time, and he'll never really hurt you again. Benny just wanted to win. When he knows he's beat he just leaves. No lingering, no harm, he's off, off into the desert heat, and never seen again. Isn't that just insane? like have you ever known an antagonist so polite? He just leaves!! He offers you a drink!! His plan is genuinely probably the best one for the people of new vegas!!! He's. Benny is Benny.

Anyway if you want to see some REAL propaganda go to the blog @letmebegaytodd and look in the #benny tag. You'll Understand < https://www.tumblr.com/letmebegaytodd/717051175751614464/in-another-life-i-wouldve-really-liked-just> <- look at this shit man

[flaim-ita]

I'm really at a loss for words except to say... I'm sorry? I truly didn't anticipate that this topic would elicit such a strong reaction. My curiosity got the best of me, and I didn't mean any harm. I had just finished watching Kamen Rider Geats, and when I stumbled upon your post while scrolling through the tags, it sparked my interest, hence the question.

Once again, I apologize for unintentionally causing any discomfort by bringing up this topic.

Um, sorry if I'm pushing it, but could I ask one more thing? Are you implying that people who like Keiwa Sakurai aren't good people? Is Keiwa Sakurai considered a bad person?

Oh my god I’m genuinely so sorry! If you’re someone new and got that reaction out of nowhere you totally didn’t deserve it. I genuinely love Keiwa a lot. He’s such a good deconstruction of the nice boy without like… hating the concept of The Nice Boy. His selfish ignorance exists as a tool to show how such grand wishes are for the lucky, for the content, unless a LOT of work is put in, which he learns to do! It doesn’t entirely erase his victim blamer era but like I was much more fine with it before…

Not all Keiwa fans, but a group of them, and the majority of active posters on tumblr, refused to be normal. I say “oh, Keiwa isn’t REALLY a hero” during Longing and his fight with Michinaga (“reviving the victims with the Goddess will create equal and opposite suffering for others!” “So?”) and they (it may genuinely only be 3 people but could be as many as 10) argued with me for days, only for one to later claim that “Keiwa fans never said he was a hero”.

I say “kidnapping a woman is bad and blaming it on his friend not keeping his dying and abused mother alive to continue the system for HIS benefit is worse” and they say shit like “welllll no one CARES about Keiwa why didn’t they visit his apartment after Sara died????” When the next time Ace sees Keiwa after for more than 5 seconds, Keiwa calls Ace’s family tools.

I say “Michinaga was always doing the best he could with the information he had, building a villain persona bc he sees neither honor nor heroism in his desperate attempts to End the game that killed his partner. Keiwa by comparison is often stuck in his own righteousness and selfishness. For example, though Michinaga did not intend to kill Sara, killing all the Stage Twos prevented further harm, and was reversible” And they say “buffabutt is worthless and caused Sara’s death for real. Then kept killing.”

One of their core defenses was “the staff caused the apocalypse game” which is technically true! They manipulated Ace and Keiwa’s wishes and used it to give the worst of the dead their powers back. But it never could have happened without Keiwa KIDNAPPING A WOMAN, and they just… refused to engage with that aspect at all.

Again, if you meant well, I’m so incredibly sorry. I just have very little patience for the “it wasn’t TECHNICALLY Keiwa’s fault” argument in context of all the other ones I’ve endured.

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

I’m so fucking sick of this pattern of bullshit every time I go into these goddamn fucking tags:

I’m so fucking sick of all these bizarro unhinged Vivziepop Fanti Fandom Centrist “Critical Accounts” invading the tags to finger wag at people while they cry about abuse and hypocrisy as they, ~in all seriousness~ try to convince us how Viv Medrano is simply too young to be a critically acclaimed animation juggernaut and instead, just needs to have her pencil taken away from her and should like, probably be placed under a conservatorship of some sort and have her babies be placed into the hands of a more capable man, or should be institutionalized for the good of her own health for being naïve enough to hold the notion that her tiny teeny jelly beanie brain could possibly hold enough power in it to run two shows at once and she should just like, you know... Stay out of sight in the psych ward until she can learn to let go of her crazy dreams because clearly she’s killing herself and her own fanbase are the ones who keep feeding off of, and abusing that numbing drug that is her bruised ego. 

The antis who kept wishing death on her and accusing her of being a racist, pedo zoophile have absolutely nothing to do with wether she’s actually depressed or not (not that that’s any of this blogs business) but how DARE you think I endorse those behaviors! Shame on YOU Vivziepop Standom! 

Breaking the bit now though I knew this was a bullshit post the second they started rambling about “both shows slowly declining”.... Hazbin Hotel isn’t even out yet what the fuck are these people on about?! Sounds like someone’s more than a bit angry about Angel Dust’s Boob Floof Angle. 

A. Once more, the absolute eeriness of misogynists concern trolling over this women’s health by instructing her what to do. So like, another example of the disturbing implications of behaving like you’d rather have this women be placed under a conservatorship than be her own Show Creator..

B. Who the fuck even talks like this anymore? I sense that squeecore is more your thing, but I thought you of all people would know better that we are in fact in The Owl House generation of Yuri themed Harry Potter rip offs now. Not *Actual* Harry Potter. Get a life. 

Once again this shit has absolutely fuck all to do to with Anti Culture screaming and creaming over Viv Medrano allegedly loving blackface and raping children and dogs and hitting the ground running with this narrative the second the pilot premiered and before the show even got any breathing room as this backlash to her very existence only worsened as time went on and her work got green-lit by this major Hollywood studio only to be immediately protested after by the same rabid hive mind who triggered all this shit happening in the first place. Nope. It’s exclusively Vivziepops own fanbase that’s to blame. Nothing else.

....Why is this dude talking about Viv as if she’s been placed on suicide watch and he’s the medic responsible for bringing her in? Jesus. The woman making a tweet a week ago about taking a break from socials proves to be the exact opposite of “hurting herself”.

The ones who are trying to act as her personal policers obsessing over every breath she takes and every move she makes are the only ones contributing to any hurt and suffering here. Including mine. Quit being a creep and get a life!

 Disney Adult Blog

Bright Blue Color Scheme

Marvel Blog 

“Just A Little Critique blog”

“DNI if anti hazbin (with a few exceptions if ur one of da good ones ... UWU)”

oh-god-dude , THANK YOU for being yet another shining example of how all Hazbin Fanti Discourse blogs have shit taste, no space for their centrist bullshit opinions within the genuine fandom, and continue to be the most insidious frickers alive for enabling the very Anti Culture that causes so much harm to come invade our spaces and then turn around and act as though the only ones who are responsible for Viv’s own personal experiences with pain and suffering that you couldn’t possibly know of, is all inflicted by her own fans and absolutely no one else as if you think you’re not contributing just as much to our problems .  We hate you!

Like, the absolute gall and irony of modding an Anti Friendly “VivziePop Criticism” blog, acting like you’re not an Anti while you’re using a reaction gif of one of Britney Spear’s abusive ex boyfriends to snidely “critique” Viv Medrano’s work while you put your little fanti cult on a pedestal as you essentially treat Vivienne Medrano as the Britney Spears of modern animation (in the negative context here) constantly posturing over Medrano’s health and wellness and questioning Viv’s own agency to be in control because you’re just as bitter and misogynistic and resentful towards Viv as the ones who ruined Britney’s life and then act like they did nothing wrong? Delicious.

Well, Owl House ain’t going back to you, that’s for sure!

For me Hazbin is just catered to be the perfect treat for a specific kind of adult Animation nerd to indulge and I’m only saying this now because I’ve come reconcile with the fact that Viv Medrano’s work will most like be the only sets of Western Cartoons that I’ll ever care about again in my Adult Life after Hazbin Hotel is finished as a series.

But hey, if you wanna still choose Disney Cartoons that were canceled for being too gay over an enriching indie adult animation..... Be my guest.

If an Adult Cis Man posted this I’m kind of disappointed and squicked out.

If a kid posted this then they need to stay out of these tags!

The rest of you need to stop mixing your children’s media in with my Animated Adult Horror Musical!

But yes, everyone needs to stop hate humping on Viv Medrano’s leg and just leave her alone.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 25)

Hi there.

According to Wikipedia, the term "star-crossed lovers" refers to a couple "whose relationship is thwarted by outside forces". Furthermore, "such pairings are said to be doomed from the start". Often, the tragic end of these pairings can be seen from a mile away, even though the audience may hope and wish desperately for things to be different. In fact, the relationship between Romeo and Juliet is immediately revealed to end tragically, with both of them dead. It's just a matter of watching the heartbreak unfold.

The same is true here. Natsume and Mikan are "doomed" from the start. You hope and wish desperately that fate will be kind to them, that certain things will be different, that they can be happy, but it's not to be and you know it, deep down. All you can really do is watch the specific way it all goes up in flames. Now that we know they're both romantically involved, star-crossed to be separated, we're about to see a tragedy unfold. Let's suffer about it.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty

The school was being invaded, and the only one of Shiki’s conditions that the ESP could not accept was Mikan being out of his reach. In order to save the school, Mikan allowed herself to be put into the ESP’s custody under the condition that she cannot be harmed or manipulated.

But Chapter 140 doesn’t start by checking in on Mikan or even showing the others’ reaction to her absence. Not yet.

Just in case you didn't know how this would end to begin with, Higuchi will let you know now. It will not end well!

The chapter starts with a monologue from Ruka about the lengths Natsume would go to for Mikan, but also pleading for him not to go anywhere. This is unsubtle foreshadowing. We see a glimpse of the future, of Natsume’s presumably dead body, and the misery his death brings. We can see more evidence of what we already knew: Natsume thinks so little of himself that he’s willing to sacrifice anything for others, never considering that his absence will cause utter despair in the people he leaves behind.

At this point, it becomes even more obvious that the story will end with tragedy, and Natsume's probable death will be part of it.

We finally get to the real start of the chapter. It’s winter again. Ruka is musing on life at the academy without Mikan. They all talk about her often, even after months of not seeing her. They don’t even know where at the academy she is, or what she’s been up to.

Just for a glimpse. ;-;

He recalls Yuka’s funeral. The children were instructed to leave the area, but it was the last time they’d see Mikan, so they all stay. Natsume doesn’t even have an umbrella despite the rain. Mikan was then escorted from Yuka’s grave by the ESP. Her classmates want to know where she’s going, concerned that she’s in trouble. When the ESP threatens Shiki for not disciplining them, Mikan smiles and promises to see them again.

Fate does not smile upon them.

Natsume watches, and although they’re all surprised and concerned, he seems more so than anyone else. The last time he saw her there was a lot left unsaid. She had confessed her requited feelings telepathically and he’d had to say goodbye over and over and over. But Mikan hasn’t used up all of the telepathy stone quite yet, so he’s able to promise her that he’ll do everything he can to find her. She smiles, tears in her eyes, and that’s the last image of her he has for a while. He will find her. That’s his new mission, his new reason for living.

Back in the present, Natsume finally appears to join the group. He’s been missing, looking for Mikan. He spends most of his time running around campus trying to find her. The telepathy alice stone is the only tie they have to each other now. It’s all he has to go off of.

He smiles upon joining the group. Mikan isn’t there, but he’s still smiling. It might not be entirely genuine. He’s smiled like this before, to make Ruka feel better before the Z Arc. He has to have hope, too, because he can’t die before he finds Mikan. Submitting to the misery will only mar his chances.

Ruka knows that Natsume’s long absences are due to his search, that he spends hours and hours looking for her, calling for her, waiting for a response.

Yes, Shiki, and as a minor, he CANNOT consent to being a member of a group that has "war potential" because that's against international law and you should be charged with human rights' violations. Also, since he's a child, even being a criminal wouldn't justify this kind of punishment either, on account of him not even being a teenager yet.

Natsume is still a Dangerous Ability type. Shiki urges him to transfer out, but Natsume can’t. He has to stay, because as a DA type he can search in more areas that are off limits to normal students. In general, the DA class is more comfortable now that they’re under the management of the Middle School, not the ESP. Still, it’s described as a group “with war potential” and he wants to feel like he’s doing something to protect the people important to him rather than simply standing by. Natsume’s mindset of always having to protect people, to the extent that when he cannot protect people he feels useless and worthless, is damaging. He thinks he has to do these things, and although the narrative paints the DA class choosing to remain as them choosing to protect people, it’s kind of ridiculous that a school would put such a task on students’ shoulders in the first place. They’re the ones who should be protected, not the other way around. No matter who is in charge of the DA class, sending kids on dangerous missions where they could get hurt is still child abuse and endangerment.

In any case, he’s told it’s useless to try and find her, that the barrier hiding Mikan is too powerful, but he won’t listen. He won’t let anything anybody says get in the way. Just like he said when he first rebelled, no matter how much somebody tries to convince him not to, he’ll do whatever it takes to protect her.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Two

Tsubasa is also opting to remain in the DA class. It’s easier to be in on the action that way, for one. He also wants to help Natsume because he’s concerned about his alice shape. Natsume and Misaki both tease him for this, and Tsubasa chases after Misaki. Natsume watches them wistfully. Tsubasa doesn’t even seem to realize how lucky he is. He can hug Misaki, tease her, apologize, talk to her, see her. Natsume misses Mikan and he’s jealous that Tsubasa is able to have with Misaki what he’d love to have with his own girl. So, naturally, he sets his hair on fire.

God, Tsubasa, have some sensitivity!

Back at the dorms, Yuu laments that Mikan won’t be allowed to attend the Christmas Ball, and it’s unlikely she’ll be allowed to graduate with them either. Hotaru comes up with the idea of sending Mikan Christmas presents, and everyone is immediately on board. They all try to come up with present ideas, but Natsume’s a step ahead, already making another alice stone for her.

Hotaru notices and immediately tears him apart for it. He knows the stone won’t make it through the examination, and the fact that even making alice stones takes a toll on his body will only make Mikan worry. In addition to all that, Mikan already has his alice stone, so there shouldn’t be any worries on the “love tradition” front.

Hotaru is Mikan’s best friend, someone who knows her pretty well and whose opinion Mikan cares about. This criticism wouldn’t hit as hard if it was some random person, or even just another kid in Class B. Because it’s Hotaru, he has to take it seriously. Hotaru is calling him out and he’s embarrassed and defensive, but she’s a step ahead of him, having thought of a much better present.

Natsume's like, "I'll be her prince!"

She gives him a story book, about Rapunzel. The story is similar to Mikan’s--a girl is trapped in a tower with no way to escape. She found a prince and they were able to escape together and live happily. All Mikan needs is to find her prince and the story would fit perfectly.

Natsume likes this story a lot. He wants to be Mikan’s prince. He has to be her prince. He doesn’t have a choice but to save her, because that’s all he’s living for. And letting Mikan know that a prince is on the way seems an important enough mission that everyone wants to help get Rapunzel through the examination. They will all send story books to make Rapunzel seem less suspicious. Of course that doesn’t stop Hotaru from claiming that the prince in her story is actually more useful than the one in Rapunzel, implying that Natsume is a subpar prince as well.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Three

It’s time for the Christmas Ball. Mikan isn’t there, so Natsume is morose. Just like last year, he finds refuge in the tree. Last Christmas was pretty nice, all things considered, because he got to kiss Mikan.

It's just not fair. All he wants is a smooch. And to save her and keep her safe but. The kiss too.

At the time, he’d thought it was a one-off, his only chance. He was just going to kiss her real quick because he was convinced Ruka already had, and then when it was done he would run away and never do it again. She wouldn’t want to kiss him over Ruka anyway, right? But apparently Mikan loves him too, something he had never even considered a possibility, so maybe she’d want to kiss him again?

Except that Mikan isn’t around and the only way he can see if she wants to kiss him again would be if he found her.

How come everyone is calling him out so boldly lately? You guys DO realize his days are numbered, right? Not even double digits? So cruel.

Sumire is talking about dancing with him this year, but he’s only thinking about Mikan. Koko calls him out for it, saying there’s someone in the tree thinking about kissing. It was such a strong thought that it took Koko by surprise, even.

There’s a present exchange and Yuu again expresses sadness that Mikan isn’t with them, wondering if she’s spending Christmas all on her own. This spurs Natsume to get the hell out of there. He can’t sit around for too long, after all. He wants to find her and he won’t find her at the ball for sure.

He’s out looking for her, just like he does every day and every night. Shiki might be a hopeless romantic, or feeling guilty for having Mikan watch the ball on TV, so he loosens the barrier on Mikan enough for Natsume to be able to find her.

Shiki is also a NatsuMikan shipper... You a legend for that one, fam.

He hasn’t seen her in months, not even after searching every corner of the school over and over again, but tonight he has finally found her.

Conclusion

Although in many ways, Natsume's story was set up to be tragic from the beginning, these chapters establish for good that something horrible is coming, and we know that to be Natsume's death, in about a week. I'll talk more about the star-crossed lovers aspect in the upcoming parts. It's an aspect of their relationship that I find very interesting.

Thank you for reading this far!

Y'all have caught up to where I'm at, more or less. I won't post tomorrow because there'd only be a chapter of content to post and that's no fun. I'll spend the weekend getting ahead a bit and then on Monday I'll continue. In no time at all, we'll be wrapped up! It's all so exciting!

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[glassartpeasants]

Crying In The Club .5

Overhaul x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, a bit of happiness for once?, mentions of past abuse, 

*Part 1* *Part 2* *Part 3* *Part 4* *Part 5*

A/N: HE HO everybody. Like i promised, they would both be out today. Am I tired? Yes. Am i rushing through his chapter since my dumbass thought it would be cool to procrastinate? Yes. But none of that shit matters now. Its out and we are all good.

Edit: Did I fall asleep while writing this and never finished it? Yes. Was my laptop almost dead when I woke? Yes. Am I sorry for not keeping the promise? Yes. I is big sorry U^U

Taglist

@winchester-wifey @hello-lucky-luka

~~~

You haven’t left the safety of your bathroom in about a week. I mean what was the point of even going out there if all your gonna remember on how horribly you wanted to get out of this shit show. You felt like nothing mattered anymore. Why should it? You were dragged away from all of your friends and family. You had no one except Overhaul. Which practically left yourself friendless except for the voice in your head.

When was the last time you even ate? You remember eating the afternoon you escaped. Soo about a week then? You hold your tummy as painful growls rumble from it. Causing you to groan in pain. Your eyes were squeezed shut as you sighed.

When was the last time you moved from your little spot behind the door? To long...

Kai-Overhaul hasn’t even tried to talk to you. Not even once. Good. You didn’t want to see his disgusting face anyways. It was the same face that gave you nightmares when you slept at night. God even thinking about that prick has your stomach turning as you resist the urge to vomit. Insignificant selfish bastard-

“Miss (Y/N)?” You sigh. It was Hari, Kai’s right hand man. You wanted to hate him but you realized that would be childish. The man never did anything to harm you, he was only trying to follow orders.

“Yes?” You reply softly, Your voice was dry from not talking in awhile. You lick your lips in order to just have some mostiure.

“You can leave the base.” Your eyes shot open so wide you thought they would pop out of your skull. Scrambling to get on your feet you pull open the door. Eyes wide open hoping he wasn’t lying to get you to open the door.

“What?! Are you serious?!”

“Yes Overhaul told me to tell you that. saying how he found someone better for the job.”

A smile etched it’s way into your face. Tears of joy fell down your face as you hug Hari. You pulled him in a bone crushing hug as you thanked him over and over again. You let him go before you ran out the door faster then you have ever ran before. You wanted to leave before Kai changed his mind.

Your feet hit the cement as the tears of joy slowly slid down your cheeks. You ran so fast that your legs felt as if they could fall off your own body. But that pain was welcomed. You would take this pain over staying with Overhaul any day.

Your feet stopped when you had bumped into someone. Your momentum of running knocked down the man and you stumbling back, trying not to fall on your ass.

“Oh my god i’m so sorry!” You profusely as you lend a hand to the fallen man so he could get up. The man took your hand and you couldn’t help but smile and nervously laugh as you enjoyed how soft the mans hands were.

“No it’s okay, I should have looked at where I was going.” You both laugh a little before you rub the back of your neck.

“Hey since you knocked me over how about you let me take you to the cafe nearby. Me falling on my ass has made me thirsty.” You laugh as you let your hand fall to your side.

Looking at the man there was no lying that he was some good ass eye candy. But you were still a little shaken up and weary about what happened not to long ago. But then again you haven’t eaten in about a week...

“You know what? I’d love too.”

~~~

Kai walked down the hallways of the Shie Hassakai on his way to Pops to tell him about his ‘break up’ with you. Finally he got rid of you. No more fighting, no more complaining, no more escape attempts,

and no more of the feeling of your soft lips against his own.

Kai shook his head at the last thought. Why do you plague his mind? How dare you distract him from his work? His goal is on the line here! He can’t have some annoying pest bothering him.

“Finally I’m free of that pest.”

“Kai just the man I’m looking for. Hows your girlfriend?”

“We broke up.”

“Oh, i’m sorry to here that my boy. Don’t worry stuff like that happens!” Pops patted Kai’s back.

“Yeah.” Kai laughed. Trying not to give the secret away.

‘I just met someone new, that’s all.” Kai lied, well kinda. He had met someone new who would do the work for money.

‘You know (y/n) didn’t do it for the money.’

“Oh well that’s too bad. I hope you let her down easy.”

“I did.”

“Well I must be off, see you later my boy.” With that Pops walked off. Leaving Kai to take a long sigh. Stopping in his tracks as he rubbed his temples.

Now thinking about it, you never even asked for anything in return, not money, not jewelry. Nothing. You just...did it. Even after everything he put you through you never asked for anything. Why? Why didn’t you ask for something? What was your plan?

‘Maybe she was afraid?’ Thoughts ran wild in his mind before his phone rang, making his pants pocket vibrate.

Opening the phone he noticed it was the new girl. Picking it up before moving it away from his ear. immediately regretting his decision.

Ugh he couldn’t stand her voice. So insufferable. Sounded like a drying dog. At least your voice was smooth like honey. Yours so calming and sweet-

“No stop it!” Kai yelled at himself. You need to get out of his mind. You were plaguing it like the disease you were. How dare you? How could you make him so confused on what he feels about you. He should hate you! 

Kai swore if he thought about you one more time, he would go insane.

~~~

You couldn’t help but giggle. The man was just a charmer! Not to mention he has a great sense of humor! You just couldn’t get enough of him and his jokes. Man it felt amazing to be laughing again, this time knowing you weren’t going to get killed for it.

“So why were you running earlier?” His question caught you off guard but it was fair. You were running like your life depended on it. To you it felt like you were. But to him and looking through his eyes it was only reasonable.

“Ex-boyfriend troubles.” You laugh nervously before taking a sip of your tea. Might as well drink something cold before fall and winter roll around. The taste of the tea hitting your tongue gave you s little smile. You look at the tea before turning your attention back to the man in front of you.

“Well don’t worry, I’m here.” You both laugh as you put a strand of lose hair behind your ear. Man this felt nice to talk to someone who you weren’t afraid of.

“Good to know.”

~~~

‘Oh god can this woman shut up already?!’ Kai thought to himself as he tried to ignore the chattering that came from the woman next to him. Who kept pointing at useless stores that he wished would just disappear if he stared at them long enough.

Since he made the deal with the new girl, with her getting paid and everything, she demanded that they went to the mall together.

“Hey are you listening to me?!” The girl as she screamed at Kai.

“Yes (R/N).” God this woman was going to be the death of him. If he killed her right there would anyone tell on him?

“Okay good! The take me to bath and body works! They’ve got a sale going on!” Ugh he hated that store with a burning passion. All those unholy scents made him want to pass out.

Once they entered the store Kai cringed as all the scents that the store contained filled his nose. Making his nose hurt, causing him to crinkle his nose. He shook his head before staying at the front of the store trying his best to avoid all the horrific scent that this store held. He watched as all of these people in such a closed space pretty much bumping elbows. Disgusting.

“You too man?” Kai turned his head to see another male only a few feet away. By the looks of him, he was in the same exact situation.

“I fucking hate people.”

~~~

“Wow this is so much fun!” You laugh as the man showed you his favorite places in all of the city.

“This....this is nice.” You smile genuinely at the man.

“It was, can I walk you home?” You were about to say sure but then you remembered that your ass was pretty much homeless now. Well shit. Kai had you in that room for so many months that you knew your lease with your landlord would have been broken. Pretty much gone.

“I-uh...I use to live with my boyfriend and then he kicked me out hehe...” Great now he was going to think you were some sort of -

“That’s too bad. I know a place where you could live. It’s a place where you can live there and stay until you get back onto your feet again.” The man smiled at you and you couldn’t help the tears of joy slide down your face. You hug him in desperation hoping it all wasn’t just some sick nightmare.

“This is the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.” Tears drenched your face as you sniffle at bit.

“Hey I’m just doing what my father did to my mom.” The man chuckled. You couldn’t help the giggle that crept out of you as well.

[ashenburst]

Enough of Our Disease

Cioccolata x Reader, uh... no real genre, 9845 words. Consider this a prolonged, realistic interaction with the psycho.

tw: manipulation, degradation, abuse, slight violence, blackmail, slight gore

However, just so you know, this isn’t as grim as some Cioccolata stories out there.

A new intern who had just been transferred to the clinic. Nothing more but a stranger. That was (Y/N).

And she was also a student. A brave little student who got a scholarship in Italy, and had the opportunity to work side by side with Rome's greatest doctors. Something she could've only dreamed of, and yet... it became reality.

The new surroundings were quickly conquered by her. She studied hard and long, and she had all that experience behind her to guide her to her bright future. And it wasn't just the mind that she had trained, but the charm as well. She gained favors of both other interns and doctors. It wasn't too hard – the method she used was old, but a trusted one.

She would always assume the best, and from that point onwards, the stranger would slowly diminish their unknown. So did this one. His name was Cioccolata – a sweet one, as (Y/N) humored. He was a surgeon, an excellent one, as she also noted on multiple occasions. A compliment or two would do no harm. Even in professional surroundings such as this one, where doctors were expected to operate almost mechanically, empathy was needed. Luckily, the atmosphere in this clinic was relaxed – and everyone inside was keen on keeping it that way. At least, between the workers.

The interns were welcomed warmly. The doctors, although they certainly had much to do, managed not only to pay attention to the students. Rather, they succeeded in meeting them better; they genuinely cared and dedicated themselves to meeting them better. Something (Y/N) could hardly believe...

The stress and the worry! A doctor had no option but to lose their connections with their patients, for not every life could be saved. And not every disease could be cured, and not every symptom could be eliminated. What could a doctor do, but their best? Even when a surgery would fail, and the patient would live on sick, and even when a surgery would result in death –

"Sir? Are you alright?"

Cioccolata lifted his head, evidently snapped out of deep thought. "I am...? Why are you asking?"

"I just... had to check," (Y/N) told, "it must be horrible, losing a patient like that." She sighed. She didn't know much of him at the time, but his expertise seemed unparalleled. She had seen it with her own eyes, on multiple occasions. This must've been a low blow to his career... and psyche, she believed.

The green haired male forced a chuckle. "I can handle it. Don't worry."

His antics were odd. Unusually calm, somewhat regal. Fitting to a doctor, one would believe, but certainly not typical in reality. This solemn approach of his remained intact in every situation, except, perhaps...

"You've got an interesting taste, dottore," Cioccolata pointed out one day. He had the habit of calling her dottore, for she acted like one more so than his colleagues. During break, he caught (Y/N) reading a particularly grim book. She raised an eyebrow at him, already grinning.

"You're a fan of Dostoyevsky's?" She would love to talk with one.

"I don't think I am, but I did enjoy some of his works. Especially the one you're reading right now," he stated, allowing himself a small smile.

"The Notes From The Underground surely has its appeal. I find it oddly... releasing, despite the book's theme," she began. She simply had to discuss it.

"You emphasize with the man?" The older surgeon inquired, still bearing that smug expression of his.

She shrugged. "I'd say I do. Don't we all?"

"Not all of us are equipped with the proper mindset."

"Or heart."

"Mind rules over the heart. You, an aspiring doctor, should know that of all people," he remarked, hitting a string he shouldn't have. Per se, mocking one's own life work would be a bad thing, let alone tampering with a topic so familiar to the other party. And it just so happened that it was that period of the month. The intern knew what to say.

"I don't think we're on the same page," (Y/N) countered, noticing the opportunity. "We've both started using metaphors and they don't mean the same to us, so it's pointless to lead this discussion any further."

His expression darkened. He was far from pretty – it would be easy to describe him as a repulsive man, even.

He lifted his face, gazing down to her. "Why impress me, dottore? I might tell on you and everyone will find out you're arrogant."

And she regretted ever trying to poke at his ego, just for a bit. Which is why her response was tamer. "You wouldn't do that," she said, stifling a laugh. Maybe he'd realize she didn't really intend to insult him.

"Indeed, but I could." With that, he abandoned her, in a state she'd dub as anxiety. She was never keen on making enemies, not with people like him – people who were intelligent.

Not only intelligent, but dangerous. Authority was in his grasp. He was one of the many people (Y/N) simply had to by liked by. Strangely, he turned out to be amused by her outbursts of boasting – she toned them down nevertheless.

She felt before she knew. A discomfort, creaking softly whenever she'd step on the wrong ledge. And oh, how sensitive she was to the sound. It would alarm her entire being, stiffen her whenever he was nearby. Her intuition would beg her to stay away, and she wanted to stay away – safely – for she wished no stress, no additional bothers in her life.

It was wondrous, whenever she'd look back at it. The way it started off, and the way it developed. Admiration, distance, provocation – and lastly, fear, laced with respect. In the spur of the moment, she found herself wanting to be liked by him. Just like her student self, meeting a new teacher. She wanted to leave a good impression, for it could only benefit her.

Did it benefit her, now? What did she get in return?

"This is Secco, my trusted assistant," Cioccolata introduced her to the young man. His wide, violet eyes stood out to (Y/N) – she could see how nervous his gaze was. And that was all she saw, for the remainder of his face was covered with a cap and a surgical mask.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Secco," she warmly spoke.

"Mm, same," he responded in his so, so unpleasant tone. (Y/N) couldn't believe it was him talking at first. It was as if – as if gravel was being pressed against her skin. It caused her much discomfort, but... she gave him an awkward smile. Then, continued with whatever job was at hand –

She couldn't remember the rest. The memory of the event faded along with that horrible stench of Secco's.

But Cioccolata's voice... steady as the torrents of his elaborating. She loved it. He'd point at the graphs, explain a correlation or two, then pose a hypothesis. (Y/N) was just one of the many interns, and she didn't want to believe she stood out – but by all means, she made it. In the hall, whenever a respected doctor would offer his guidance to the interns, she was one of the few who knew and understood.

It didn't come without a price. She'd been burdening herself with random facts and sublime methods for ages now. Not only did she stay longer at the clinic, just to linger around and do additional work... and talk with people there, too. Every day, a documentary would be watched or a book would be read. Her brain, buried even deeper into her profession. It gave her headaches. Plenty of them, in fact. But she knew she'd been doing the right thing.

This was the prime of her lifetime. All the sweat and tears she'd wasted so far were worth it. She loved her life, the life she earned. And she was loved because of it. Her parents would message her every now and then. She knew she didn't fail them.

And every morning, she'd wake up, look into the mirror and – smile, no matter how bad she looked. With all the circumstances the present was overlapped with, how couldn't she? Everything was good. Her job, her studies, her family and her friends – who she rarely contacted, for all of them were in a similar situation. She was overjoyed, for she knew they would succeed. Her heart was full... every aspect of her life was complete. She couldn't ask for more.

And so the daily routine continued. A bliss, simply put.

In retrospective, (Y/N) truly had no complaints. Objectively speaking, she had no right to ever dare complain. Which is why she'd beat herself to remain quiet whenever the slightest inconvenience would occur. Be it a bellyache, a quarrel, or additional work. Yet...

She loathed when people told her things she already knew. She loathed when people insisted on repeating the same formula over and over again, as if she were dumb – or as if she were ignorant enough not to know it already. She hated when people underestimated her and didn't let her prove otherwise.

But Cioccolata allowed her to.

"Your take on the symptoms, dottore," he tapped the chart. (Y/N) couldn't believe what she was looking at. The symptoms displayed were horrible – nausea, paralysis, loss of hearing – just what...

She blabbered the first ideas that came to her. "Brain tumor? No. Late stage of syphilis?"

"Indeed." She felt her heart fill with pride at Cioccolata's approval. "The universe is certainly unfair towards this patient, hm? He's a homeless man, the ambulance brought him in after some guy spotted him lying on the streets. I'm surprised someone even bothered..."

"Truly... horrible. No comment," (Y/N) muttered, not knowing what else to say. The day was long and she was tired beyond measure –

"Do you no longer care about your patients, dottore?" His question threw her off guard. Her eyebrows furrowed, and she shook her head lightly, all while staring at him.

"I do care about them? Of course I do?" Why was he asking those intrusive questions again? Outrageous.

"Oh. It's kicking in sooner than the usual," he nonchalantly stated.

(Y/N) kept staring at him. "What are you talking about?"

"The indifference. Or numbness. Whatever you want to call it. You simply stop caring... it's normal. In fact, it's an imperative, if you want to stay sane."

How could he say something so provocative? She understood where he was coming from, but talking about it openly was something else. It meant multiple things, and those things were... invasive. She remained silent, and luckily, Cioccolata let her.

This was why she felt uncomfortable at times. This man knew of no boundaries. But... that didn't have to be a bad thing. He was brave enough to talk about the things most people would consider morbid. Yet intelligent. Unique, rare – name it however you want, but (Y/N) enjoyed. Not to mention he was her superior. And he didn't treat her like she was beneath him. Almost as if she was his equal.

She was respected like never before. Not only by him, but by his colleagues as well. It would be an understatement to say she adored it.

One particular, fateful day, she forgot her wallet at the clinic. She hadn't realized it until night fell – she wasn't the most perceptive person, and she disliked this trait of hers. She'd have to get ready and go back to the clinic, which was a bother... and it simply went against her plans. Although she had none.

She was lucky. The lights were still on, and there were people inside, so she didn't attract much attention.

She tried to remember where she had been that day. What was her routine like? They'd been checking some patients, yes, in a more distant wing. She had to do some walking to reach it, and once there... she had to check all the rooms.

Strangely, there was nobody around. This meant she didn't have to justify herself to anyone, at least. But it certainly didn't make her feel too comfortable either. Being alone in those hallways, opening empty rooms – all of that made her feel as if she was doing something wrong.

Maybe she truly was doing something wrong. She barged into a room where lights were turned on.

"My apologies, I wasn't –"

Of course she wasn't aware. She wanted to vanish, erase her memory of the sight – she didn't want to be involved, she didn't mean it to happen, yet –

There it was, the massive crimson protruding through the clinical white, clawing at her sight. Organs, splattered around, begging to be forgotten and shoved into oblivion. Their owner, a man reduced to a hole, laying sprawled on the bed... long dead, long mutilated. And the two of them, her colleagues. The culprits and the criminals, all in one – a pair of monsters.

(Y/N)'s vision distorted. She saw it all clearly, and once the realization hit her, she froze, just for a second. She couldn't believe it. But all of her senses spoke otherwise, and the very moment those two monsters looked at her, their eyes – screaming shrill danger... they would get her.

So she slammed the door and began running. She didn't feel anything at all. Her feet were propelled forwards just like that.

But she was too slow. Far too slow. A shadow appeared in front of her – no, a man – leapt from inside the floor and rammed straight into her. By instinct, she tried to push him away from her – and she was successful. He fell... into the wall?

That was when she processed what she had seen. The man leapt from the floor. And that man was Secco.

Her one moment of hesitation cost her much; suddenly, something hit her legs, and she fell with a shriek and a loud thud. She would've continued screaming if a hand hadn't been pressed against her mouth. An oppressive weight shackled her to being immobile – she didn't even know what was happening. She just kept struggling, desperately, against it all.

Then, a firm voice that echoed throughout the hallway. "Dottore! There's no need to run. We're equipped to deal with these arbitrary intrusions, so it's no point."

These words imbued her with even more resistance. She swung her head, and managed to somehow set her mouth free for a moment. "Let me go – " (Y/N) tried to scream, instinctively, but she was muffled by Secco's hand. She bit on it, hard, making him whimper like a hurt dog. In her mouth... she felt his blood. It riled her up, and she tried to kick back and somehow escape Secco's grip – but she failed. How could a skinny, anorexic being like him keep her in check? This enraged her even further, and she tried to elbow him. In vain. As if he couldn't feel pain.

Then a specific object was brought to her attention.

A scalpel, right in front of her, in Cioccolata's gloved hand. She bit her lip till it ached. She knew she was done for, and this defeat... it was unimaginable, but she was going through it. Her own body turned lax as the realization washed over her. Lastly, she teared up, for she was utterly, completely, powerless.

"Shh, I'm not willing to send you to the other side just yet. Be good now so that you could talk back later," the surgeon spoke calmly, as if to ease the tense air.

She remained put. Her frame, a cage to her wild heart. Yet she was as still as a corpse.

"Calm yet? Wonderful. You are now allowed to speak," he said after observing her for a while. He slowly retracted the scalpel, as if to widen the distance between (Y/N) and her death. She knew he was in complete control, that her life was on the line, yet...

She didn't believe this was happening. To add to that, her emotions were late. She didn't feel anything a person should be feeling at the moment – or so she believed. She perceived her state to be too calm, to the point she got afraid of it.

"What was that," she asked. A stupid question, she immediately thought. But was there anything else she didn't know?

"You're getting curious all of a sudden," he spoke with inhuman vigor. "Be careful. You know what they say, curiosity killed the cat."

"But satisfaction brought it back," she stated, bold, for she had nothing to lose. Her heart skipped a beat – she was still far too calm about it all. Too focused, to sharply keen on living through her death.

"But intern, you'll be far from satisfied." His mask scrunched up, signifying the change of his expression. It was seen in his eyes, that glint and the wrinkles – he was smiling. (Y/N) redirected her gaze, wondering, just how much did he find it... empowering? Moreover, was his ego big enough to let her live? She prayed, oh, she prayed it was. But her prayer... dripped of hatred. The bold type of fear.

She gazed back at him, so insolent and so stupidly brave. Her expression must've portrayed cold fury, but her tone...

Her family. She needed to be there for them. How would her mother handle her death?

"I'll do anything," she pleaded, her voice meek.

"I don't need you to do anything at all," he answered, deafening all that was left of her hope. And in that moment, she thought –

She loved her life. She didn't regret anything. If this was her end... she had fared well.

Which is why she made peace with the guillotine of his scalpel. She even lifted her head to ease the blade's entrance. All while staring at her soon to be murderer with defiance unknown to her. Secco, behind her, let out a wheeze.

"It's a shame you aren't recording this, Secco," Cioccolata cooed, visibly satisfied. He didn't break eye contact with the intern beneath him. "It's a rare sight. Dottore, you might regret rushing into death like that. It isn't your time, not yet." He snapped his fingers, and with his other hand, he spun the scalpel in a teasing manner. (Y/N)'s gaze lingered on it just for a bit; she found it harder and harder to keep this façade going. It was evidently buying her time, so...

"So, the decision is on you," she said, although she had so much more to share – but her voice was weak, growing thinner with every word. If one part of her mask would fall apart, she knew, she would panic. Oh, the refined delicacy!

Every moment was wagered, as if it were a play of sorts. And she had to impress Cioccolata again. "Absolutely. I have complete control over your life. Both your status, whether you're deceased or not... and your job, as well as your freedom."

"What will you do with it?" (Y/N)'s question came out firm, luckily.

"Nothing. In fact, I believe it would be right to let you go. Wouldn't you agree, Secco?"

"Uwah," he responded in a breathy, low voice. It sent shivers down (Y/N)'s spine, for he... he didn't sound human.

And once that thing let go, (Y/N) got on her feet, rose to Cioccolata's level, and with the last ounce of strength, asked, "what will be of me now?"

"That's your choice," the surgeon responded. He lowered his mask with one finger, revealing an ugly grin. "Why aren't you running like a scared little girl you are?"

(Y/N) couldn't turn her back to danger. She simply couldn't. Facing her back to him, not seeing him, seemed like death to her – for something unpredictable could happen. She could imagine his long arm extending once again, and that scalpel being jabbed into her back. She felt the pain vividly, as if she was already en route to her demise. A ting in her back, annoying her already strained senses...

Why was she scared all of a sudden?

"I'm not scared," she told him, glaring daggers at that vicious visage of his. He merely gave her a mocking laugh. It did manage to belittle her.

"Whatever you say. Today must've been stressful, so I believe you should go home now," he dismissed her.

Could she really walk away? Was that what he was insinuating? Forget and walk away? Or did he want to follow her home and kill her there? No, no – he could've killed her already, if he wanted to. Then... was he toying with her? Certainly, and she hated him for it.

"Dottore? You should go home," he once again said, his tone darkening, "stress isn't good for health. See you tomorrow."

Her ears picked his annoyance easily. That was the moment when she actually got terrified – because she felt she got on his nerves and – he could get unpredictable – and it simply felt horrible. Her heart ached as it picked up its pace, her chest expanding for a brave inhale, and she finally took a step backwards.

She felt her expression twitch at last. She gave in. Cioccolata won, and he nodded in approval. The same way he'd nod at her whenever she'd answer correctly during his lectures.

Another step backwards. Her vision distorted once more, on its own – she was so sore, so tired of it all. Never in her life was she forced to handle such... terror. Once her vision cleared, she saw him gaze back at her, pale moonlight sharpening his ruthless features. He had never been uglier.

Third step backwards. She felt her eyebrows droop. She couldn't keep it up.

She turned around and ran. Nothing came after her. Never in her life had she felt such relief when she reached the doorstep to her apartment.

"Signorina!"

(Y/N) halted as soon as she heard that voice call out. Throughout the night, nothing caught her attention, yet this voice –

She turned around. It was a cop, running towards her. A laugh of pure joy escaped her. She was far too lucky.

"Signore, I have to tell you something – "

"Uh-huh, wait a moment," he said as he stationed himself before her, panting heavily. He hid something behind his back, (Y/N) noticed. An alarm went off inside her mind. But... she prescribed it to her state of panic, and steadied her train of thoughts.

"I believe this belongs to you," he said, lifting his head. One of his eyes was thus revealed from the shadows, and it peered curiously at the girl. She got nauseous at the sight.

He gave her the wallet she had forgotten in the clinic. She reached out to take it, hands trembling, as many slow realizations came to her. Only to be proven by the cop's statement.

"The court is no stranger to them, their connections are everywhere, and you will show up tomorrow, unless you want to die. That's what he wanted me to tell you."

She expected to die, once again. And she didn't dare blink, so she could witness her own demise. But the cop waved, smiled, tipped his hat even, and walked away as if nothing ever happened.

She went to bed that night, knowing she didn't do anything about it. Though... she did prepare herself. Took a knife and a phone to message her parents that she's in danger. And she didn't close her eyes once during that fateful night.

She wrote a paragraph to her parents. About everything. She couldn't believe the words she typed – everything was far too surreal. But there she was, reliving the entire horrid event as she explained it to her parents. They were both asleep, luckily... she didn't want to bother them, no matter how ridiculous it seemed, but she truly didn't want to be a burden. Having finished the entire story, she felt guilt creeping up to her. They shouldn't stress over her. She shouldn't stress them.

And from these thoughts she spiraled down to numerous justifications on why exactly she should bother them. But the first, original idea that reached her – that she was a burden – didn't abandon her nevertheless. No matter how hard she wanted to defend herself.

She was well aware that she was entering a nightmare. The only way to survive it for now... was to obey. Because they wouldn't hesitate to murder her. Not only because they wouldn't be punished for it... but because they just weren't human. They had those – powers, surely. Secco sprung out of the floor, and grabbed her, she saw that clearly. And if Secco could've moved like a ghost, what kind of power would Cioccolata have? The surgeon was fully capable of controlling Secco, as far as she had seen. So, he must've had something even worse...

The morning caught her off guard. Her mind must've been a wreck, then. Time passed way too quickly... and so neared her departure to the hospital.

For the first time in a while, she couldn't smile at the mirror. She couldn't even look at it. Somehow, she got ready, albeit sloppily, and left to her hellish internship.

She had checked her phone multiple times before she left. Her parents hadn't responded yet. Wonderful, that was one thing less to stress about.

Strangely, this clinic she entered... she didn't feel afraid of it. Not in the least. She expected she'd tremble at its sight, but now... she didn't feel anything. Once again, she began worrying if she was, so to say, functioning well. This was yet another one of those moments where she'd know what was the normative behavior, and her behavior wouldn't match. How could her heart remain so bleak...?

There they were. The interns. The perfect distraction. Now, if only Cioccolata would disappear from the face of the Earth...

She kept thinking about him while she chatted with other students. And she couldn't handle the anxiety that welled up inside her being. She began stuttering while she talked, so she stopped. Simple as that. But Cioccolata, that goddamned surgeon, where was he? Why did he need her alive?

More importantly, why was she so keen on living? She finally realized the paradox she was in. In the face of death, she was indifferent, but everything she had done so far was in order to keep her alive. She responded to that in no time. An absent smile found its way on her face. She was a coward. And when she saw she couldn't win against Cioccolata... her cowardice guided her to stay calm. Or was it egoism?

The lectures began soon after. And her wondrous superior appeared amongst other doctors. She felt her insides boil, twist and turn whenever he'd speak up. She wanted to kill him right on the spot. That monster. That... she couldn't even think of how to describe him. Yet the word God seemed to fit. He was a psychopath; he must've had an inflated sense of self.

What to do, what to do... what did he intend to do? Why was nothing happening? He didn't speak to (Y/N). In fact, he didn't pay attention to her at all. This only fed her worry, her... restlessness. And patience wasn't a virtue in this situation.

So she walked up to him some time afterwards. Faced him with a tough expression that she mustered out of hatred.

"Signore... what are you going to do," she asked him in a hushed voice.

"What are you talking about?" He feigned confusion.

"Last night you murdered someone and you almost killed me – "

"Are you insane?" He furrowed his eyebrows in visible shock. "What are you even talking about?"

"L-last night... you... and Secco... murdered that guy in..."

"Is this a joke? If so, you can do better," Cioccolata grumbled.

"I just wanted to know – what do you – what will you do with me." She stopped herself, noticing she was tripping on her own words. Dammit.

"I'm... going to give you a lecture today, just like every other day, and we'll have our coffee during lunch break. Just as usual. Unless you want me to be the subject of your nonsensical jokes."

That was when (Y/N) understood. He played dumb, so that the both of them could just... forget it. But he was probably aware that she couldn't forget it as simply. (Y/N) knew this, and she couldn't handle this... even worsened anxiety that was building up inside her. Because she had no idea what to do. But he, on the other hand...

He must've had a plan. And what was it?

That day didn't offer her the response she was looking for. She found herself practically glued to surgeon Cioccolata throughout her stay in the clinic. She was particularly observant of his actions, and he, somehow, allowed it. This made her feel even worse. He had nothing to hide.

She got home, and she lived through yet another sleepless night. This time, she talked with her parents all night long. They would figure something out. Even the police in her homeland was already involved. When it came to the Italian police, her parents insisted that (Y/N) contact them as well.

She said she will, but she couldn't. Cioccolata controlled them. He controlled the court. He... he had to be involved with the mafia. Even if he weren't... he was dangerous enough on his own. Secco... (Y/N) remembered it all too vividly. They weren't human.

The next morning, she was at the clinic once again. The reason: pure fear. Nothing was out of the ordinary except her eyebags... and unusual tiredness. She was completely unresponsive. She didn't utter a word during any lecture. Other interns made sure to point that out. Not out of spite, rather, out of sheer surprise.

Naturally, she wasn't keen on going home either. She knew she wouldn't sleep, again. Yet she decided to leave earlier than usual. She just couldn't handle it anymore.

"Dottore! Could you come with me for a moment?" She heard a familiar voice call out. With an exasperated sigh, she turned on her heel. She didn't have a choice. She began walking back to the building. At its entrance stood Cioccolata, waving to her, much to her displeasure.

"Signore Cioccolata, that woman is an intern," one of the doctors pointed out as he was leaving the clinic. Cioccolata smiled at him, whereas (Y/N) tiredly gazed upwards, her eyebrows slightly raised.

"But I'm certain she'll become a great doctor someday. No harm done in boosting the intern's confidence, after all," the green haired male explained. He was met with approval.

Oh, how fake his words sounded, only to her. She hated the fact she could see right through his acts, his psychopathic charm, whereas other people would just...

"Eh, I presume you're right. This one deserves it," the other doctor responded with a polite smile and bid his farewell to his colleague. Thus, only (Y/N) and Cioccolata were left at the entrance. And her stomach was already doing barrel rolls.

"What do you need me for?"

"Something that will earn you extra internship points. Follow me."

And she did. Not that she had a choice. Besides, this time, there were actually some people in the clinic, so he couldn't do anything shady.

But as he led her through the sterile atmosphere, her fears grew. He brought her to the less used wing of the hospital, and from there, reached the door that lead to the basement. He opened it. Down below... a somber line of staircase. Nobody else in the vicinity.

(Y/N) could've ran. Whenever she wanted to. The alarm wasn't enormous enough, not now.

"Coming, dottore?" Cioccolata beckoned her.

"No. I'm not going in there," she responded with a scowl, already on her tiptoes to turn around and run.

"Or what?"

She didn't get the opportunity to answer, because she was harshly pushed – and fell down the stairs with a shriek. Pain erupted all across her back, and her head – it pulsed hard once she finally landed, no longer tumbling. She couldn't even see for a bit, and the aches made her hiss, her jaw clenched in a desperate attempt to relieve her of the sensations. She looked up, and Cioccolata was once again above her.

His demand echoed against the desolate hallway. "Disobey once more, and I won't hesitate to make better use of you." His words imprinted in her memory with ease. She curled herself up into a ball, her gaze stuck on the mad doctor's descend. She prayed he'd let her live through her pain, the pulsating agony... but would he?

With every step he took, her eyes widened. And once he reached her, she expected him to kick her in her guts so hard that she'd vomit – and she could feel the phantom of this hit in her belly already. But he never did so. Instead, to her absolute shock, he offered her a hand.

And to her even greater shock, she took it. Got back on her wobbly feet, and firmly stood, thanks to him. She stared at him, her vision already blurry from the upcoming tears. Should she... thank him?

She didn't. Just in case. And he liked that.

He let go of her hand. Then, he pointed at the long underground hallway they had just entered. "Go in there and clean up the mess in the last room. That's your job. Secco over here will keep you company." All of a sudden, the mentioned young man protruded through the wall and made another one of his disgusting sounds. (Y/N)'s stomach twisted even more. She had so much cramps... and such an urge to vomit.

"Goodbye," Cioccolata chirped and left, walking up the stairs. She didn't respond – she put a hand on her mouth. She was moments away from spilling her lunch all over the floor.

"Go, clean the room. Kehehe."

She felt an acidic tang in her throat. Then in her mouth. In an instant relief, she vomited, making yet another disgusting sound.

She looked at her barely digested meal that now laid sprawled across the clean tiles. She was so weak. And Secco was laughing at her because of it.

"What was that?"

She felt her heart sink as another voice was heard. It was Cioccolata. The very moment she thought she got rid of him.

She backed away. She couldn't face him. Not again.

Her legs gave in. She no longer felt them. She could only watch as his shadow reappeared down the stairs, approaching her, about to...

"Eh? Secco, clean that up."

Secco didn't react positively to that. He whined and shook his head. This, Cioccolata noticed, and walked closer to (Y/N) and his assistant. But he neared his assistant instead, much to (Y/N)'s relief.

What happened next shocked her. The surgeon slapped Secco hard. The hit resonated against the walls, echoes filled in the silence, as well as (Y/N)'s drumming heart. She was terrified beyond measure. Her being was in such delirium that it would soon... it would soon... she couldn't even think about what would happen. The aggressor was still in her vicinity, and her focus was solely fixated on him. He could do the same to her. Nothing held him back.

But the green haired man soon left, not sparing a single glance on the intern.

(Y/N) didn't even realize how hard she was shaking. She looked at her hands, and they weren't trembling, no, they were violently shaking. She couldn't believe her own eyes.

"Disgusting. Bleh." She heard Secco grumble. Everything about this situation was ridiculous.

"You go clean the room. Come on."

His irritable voice got to her. Somehow, she managed to stand up, and make her way to the designated room. Inside, she was supposed to...

Clean up chunks of meat? Before she knew it, her gag reflex was activated again. She threw up a clearer vomit this time... it spilled and stuck itself on the floor. Another reek joined the already thick air. At least it would be easier to clean up, she thought to herself sarcastically.

Before her, on a table, stood, indeed, chunks of geometrically cut... undoubtedly, human body parts. She didn't want to spot any further details. Plenty of blood was there as well. How to... handle that? She spotted some bags on a tray to her right. Never in her life had she performed a more disgusting, degrading act than that day.

That was all. He didn't have her do anything else. In fact, he dropped some bitter words of praise as she was leaving. As well as some advice.

"Remember, alarming anyone will only make you bigger problems. I've got my own strings to pull."

Did he know? Her eyes widened in pure shock, and he merely smiled with one of his generic gross smiles. She remembered, of course. She remembered who she alarmed. So she nodded to her superior and finally went to her apartment in the dead of the night.

The shower she took afterwards revealed her all the bruises she gained that day. All she could do was exhale and acknowledge them.

She was offline all day, so once she got to use her phone, she saw that she had a bunch of missed calls and texts of her parents. She skimmed through them – no time to waste, after all – and she... she hated herself for doing that, but... she texted them that everything was alright. That she only had a nightmare that she thought was real, and decided to... yes, to test her parents. She wanted to see how they'd react.

Her parents didn't react positively at all. She called them (a video call, because they insisted to see if she was intact), and the tantrum that followed ruined her. They were worried sick, of course, and they'd already contacted (C/N)'s authorities and media... only to find out their daughter tricked them. Wonderful, truly wonderful. (Y/N) felt horrendous, beat, bad in every possible sense.

The numbness was kicking in.

She took the next day off. Called her parents. Somehow, they didn't respond. So, she called them again, and again. Nobody responded. Christ, what was going on...? They were online all the time, and the one time she needed them, they weren't there. The coincidence was too great...

No. Cioccolata couldn't have possibly reached out to them. They were in another country. If Cioccolata was that powerful, he wouldn't be dealing with (Y/N) like that. Unless – why, of course, he was a psychopath. Psychopaths don't make any sense. But still...

(Y/N) gave up. There was nothing she could do, except... run away? And let those two men do whatever they wanted to? Oh, she was in no state to bash her brains about it. Her head was too heavy, she couldn't burden it with more thoughts.

She was hopeless. She spent the entire day in a heavy slumber, akin to none before. Once she regained her consciousness, she realized, horror etched into her senses... that she didn't wake up in her room.

The light was too strong. Too... harmful to her sensitive eyes. They shot open, focusing quickly on their surroundings, all thanks to newfound panic. She was in one of those white rooms. She was on the surgical table. She was, she recognized quickly, she was in the hospital, and –

"Hello, dottore."

It was that voice. The one melody she despised more than any other. Right next to her. But she couldn't move her head, no, for some reason she was paralyzed –

"And goodbye."

The blade entered her sight just an instant before it landed on her heart. The agony forced out an inhuman wail from her. The shriek was a frail attempt of hers to cover up the pain. The sheer ache that took away her life. It made her limbs tense up, whitened her vision, forced her to wake up –

And she woke up. In her own room. And her heart was intact, alive like never before.

How long could she keep on living like this? It had only just begun, and she wanted to die already.

She got out of her bed and began packing her possessions. It took her only several hours to get ready. She had to leave this cursed place once and for all.

But all of her determination vanished.

This couldn't be happening. She closed the door to her apartment, and on the doorknob, there was a sticky note. On it, with an elegant handwriting, in – oh, the cliché – red letters, was written:

Come to the clinic as soon as you see this. I also urge you to take a look across the street, and spot a pair of young men seated in that restaurant. Their appearance is quite unusual, so you'll have no trouble spotting them in the crowd. Those are the hitmen who will take you out in case you don't come.

Take care, Cioccolata

She read every single one of those words with pure, unfiltered rage. What angered her the most was the ending note – take care, he said. He must've been smiling to himself, that bastard, as he was writing that. He must've been enjoying himself! (Y/N) wanted nothing but to see him die.

She turned around, her hair flipping as it followed her quick movement. Indeed, there, in the restaurant, were two particularly... odd men. One of them had long blond hair, and darker skin, and the other one had red, shorter hair. Both of them wore striking suits. And the both of them waved at her.

She clenched her fists in disbelief. So this truly was happening. She truly, once again, had no other choice.

Although it probably meant nothing, she threw a glance full of hatred at the two, opened her door and put the coffer inside. Slamming the door shut, then locking it, she was on her way to that hellhole of a clinic.

She turned around. The two men were following her. So, they really were keen on knowing where she'd go? Her sarcastic thoughts were so much louder than her heartbeat. Again, she was too calm –

And she stopped walking. Stared at that pair, even, with squinted eyes and an overwhelmingly hostile expression. How far could her spite push her? What did she even want to do?

She continued walking. What did she even do? She didn't know –

Her feet slammed against the pavement. Her aggression seeped all around her. She was turning senseless from the rage.

Even when she entered the clinic, the clean tile wasn't spared of her forceful steps. There weren't many people inside, she noticed – the night was coming. But where was that one psychopath she'd been looking for?

Someone tapped her shoulder and she turned, wide eyes, expecting to see him. Instead, the man who did so was one of the two who were following her. His visage radiated with tranquility, the tranquility she was in desperate need for. It shocked her, brought her rage to a halt.

"Strange, Cioccolata isn't here," he simply stated. His voice bore a calming note to it, something (Y/N) was sure to sense and luckily – take in.

"I don't really want to meet him either way," she responded with a forced laugh. She had to laugh. It released her of at least some tension.

"As for us, we didn't really want that guy to waste our time. And he's wasting it right now. Right, Tiziano?"

The other man, presumably Tiziano, nodded.

"But since you can't really go away, we'll have to wait here together," the red-haired man in front of (Y/N) explained. She nodded. They were so relaxed, and their relaxation got to her. The idea of escape seemed more... approachable, at that moment.

But before she could even figure her first step, he came. Forced her back into that state of –

Calm? Why was she so damn calm?

"Tiziano, Squalo, you didn't have to go that far, but your help is appreciated nevertheless," Cioccolata greeted with regality. The pair didn't seem too satisfied – and they even left without a word. Leaving (Y/N) alone.

She could run...! Right now! But those two, could they – yes, they could get her, dammit. She couldn't leave. But it wasn't over. Not yet. There were people all around her...

"Follow me," Cioccolata ordered, not bothering to hide his coldness.

It took (Y/N) all her strength to fight the embarrassment, but she began screaming. In the lobby, in front of everyone. As loud as she could. And everyone reacted.

The next thing she knew, she was falling. Then everything turned black.

Her consciousness slowly woke up her senses. Again, the white of the hospital, so assaulting and aggressive. This time, however, it was very real.

Secco and Cioccolata were in front of her. The assistant was meddling with some object in his hand, whereas the surgeon did something to the apparats beside a patient's bed.

(Y/N) screwed her eyes shut. She didn't want to be there... she wanted to postpone this, whatever it was, she just didn't want to witness it. There was a patient present, and he... he would probably die soon. (Y/N) recognized him to be the homeless man they once spoke about.

She moved her leg, making a massive mistake. She realized she was restrained, and that one slight movement made a sound – cluttering sort of sound – for she was tied to a metallic chair. Goodbye to her intentions, goodbye to her stolen time, Cioccolata and Secco now knew she was back.

The older man lifted a syringe, looking at its contents against the light. He then spilled it into the IVs that were attached to the docile patient's hand. (Y/N) observed him carefully; what was he doing?

He then asked Secco of the cameras were ready, to which the assistant responded with a weird sound, akin to his usual vocations. Sadly, that was when surgeon turned his attention to (Y/N).

"How long do you think he'll endure?"

"I don't know," she said. She didn't even want to think about it.

"Then, a different question. Do you think he would want to die?"

"If you intend to cut him..."

"No, before I get my hands on him. Do you think that he'd want to die, right now? While in his baby sleep?"

Did she hear him right? Her head was pounding, she couldn't focus on his words, let alone figure an answer. "If he wanted to die, he would've done it until now."

"You've got too much faith in his spirit, dottore. Maybe he's just a coward and he's scared to end it all."

She sighed. Why was he so damn insistent on talking? "...How would you know?"

"I don't know. Let's ask him, shall we?"

All of a sudden, he slapped the patient, successfully waking him up. The old man began making incoherent sounds, completely shocked because of the hit.

"Do you want to live?" (Y/N) could see the sadist's lips curl up in his newfound pleasure as he asked.

"...Of course I do! What kind of question is that?" Panic slipped through his tone. "What are you going to do...?"

"It won't change the outcome of your state, surely. Does the intern disagree with her superior that this man has contained the urge to die?"

"If I were you... I wouldn't be so sure, because of... existentialism," she recklessly responded, only to be laughed at.

"Likewise, for I'm certain I can thwart your oh-so educated mindset," he discriminated, only to turn to Secco and tell him to start recording. The patient was oblivious to what would happen.

Before she could realize it, he was cutting. He began the operation. And the man... he was fully aware of it. Awake, conscious, his senses functioning perfectly. Therefrom came his screams.

A long cut across the stomach. Ghastly red came from the wound. His bodily liquids ran free down his stomach, painting it warm tones of life being spilled. The larger the gash, the stronger his screams. He was in such agony that (Y/N)'s very guts tumbled.

The doctor continued his surgery. He opened the cut, he wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty. The same hands he had once used to save countless lives, the same hands (Y/N) would once kill for. And he began his work, enjoying the desperate cries of his patient. This only resulted in...

Pulsating intestines. Their crimson coating glimmered underneath the cold hospital lights. Each and every drop of blood that descended, hit the drums of polished tiles. Lifting the organ upwards was Cioccolata, who rejoiced at his trophy: the man's deafening screams, and his contorted face – amorphous out of sheer pain.

The sight remained implanted in (Y/N)'s mind. She forced herself to watch it, even though she could've closed her eyes. She simply gave in to suffering. She no longer cared.

And oh, Cioccolata was a skilled surgeon. He knew where to cut to keep his patient alive. He knew what to do in order to maximize the experience.

But a human body had its boundaries. The patient's spasms died down, and his throat turned dry. Until he convulsed one last time, marking his early departure with one final wail.

"You..." (Y/N) was speechless. After the realization found her, after she understood the gravity of this entire event – she regained her loathing. "How dare you... do that... You're a monster. You're the worst man on this planet," she muttered. It was satisfying to admit that, but at a cost too high.

It took Cioccolata only a couple of steps to reach her, lift his hand and slap her hard. Throughout the dizziness, the ringing in her ears and the sharp pain that faded from her face, she made out his words.

"I'll advise you, not as a colleague, but as a friend, to stay silent. If you thought you were aware of the consequences, I've proven you wrong. Something you very much dislike, don't you, dottore?"

He glared down to the pits of her very soul, and what he saw was right. He perceived her numerous faults; he knew her better than her very parents, and unlike them, he knew how to beat them. "...true."

"So don't talk unless you're talked to. It would be wonderful to have you too quiver and crumble on the table," he commented, earning no reactions from the intern. He chuckled once he realized that. And (Y/N), she was aggravated.

"You're enjoying yourself, aren't you?"

Those venomous eyes of his widened. "Aren't you? You partake in a newer form of research. You may deem it however you want, but it is, essentially, uplifting man above all norms. A borderless, maladaptive curiosity. Quick to devour, quick to digest. You will always be left with an insatiable hunger for more."

She understood him. And she would forever bear the heavy knowledge of that fact.

"But what of morals? What of society and its rules? Would you like to answer?" He questioned carefully, as if he was probing her. As if he was genuinely interested in what she had to say. And (Y/N) got to be listened to, for once – but she had nothing to say.

"You avoid those," she bluntly responded.

"I was hoping for something more poetic. You're always keen on making things different, outstanding. A pity, truly. You won't be able to do that anymore."

He would get rid of her. At last. She felt disgusted because she found solace in the fact, even for a moment. "You'll kill me. Is there anything –"

"You could do to live? No, you're in my hands, and I am an excellent doctor. Your own words."

She smiled at him. She had never felt such hatred toward another being.

"I promise I won't say anything," she mumbled through her clenched teeth.

"You will stay silent. I know you will." And he turned around.

"Secco. Bring her to room 79 and leave her there. We'll get to her once we clean this mess."

"Oowhooaa," the being gargled. It approached (Y/N) and released her of her confinements. She spotted the skin on her wrists to have turned dark, and once it was set free, she could feel it ache.

She couldn't resist Secco. Cioccolata was right in front of her, and Secco... Secco had his power that rendered him unbeatable.

So she let him, she let him guide her to her umpteenth death. She was as obedient as she could get. She just wanted this to get over with, for once – that was what her manic mind was currently telling her.

He pushed her in a dark room. There were no windows, for it was the basement, so once the door was closed and locked – (Y/N) was left in pitch darkness.

Every sound killed her. Gave her a heart attack, over and over again. Be it a footstep, be it the sound of instruments clinking, be it their voice. Every single thing impaled her eardrums.

She waited for it to get over. Waited long and patiently, shivering as her body grasped its final hours. She lived through her life all over again, multiple times, bid her farewells to her beloved ones. Prayed, that someone on the heavens above would hear her messages, and send them to the people she cared. Her monologues were pathetic, as she intended them to be. There was no need to hold back. She would soon die.

Then she started begging for something to occur. She could swear her ears would bleed soon – for she couldn't handle the announcements of the sensations. Always nearby, but never there. And she yearned for them to finally end, for her to live through her final agony, and finally die.

It was unbearable. She didn't want to die, she wanted it all to just end. But death was her only escape. Yet it wouldn't arrive...! For some reason, she was still waiting, for hours, for hours she'd been twitching and foaming, accepting her defeat over and over again.

And during the period when her thoughts died down and her body turned still, light entered her room at last. The foreign, the unpleasant light, that hurt her eyes – it would guide her to heaven, soon. Her mind enlisted a long line of metaphors, some of them making way into faint hallucinations. But all of them disappeared once he appeared.

"Dottore? What are you doing in here?"

Cioccolata's voice resonated with confusion. This in turn caused (Y/N) some confusion as well.

"You..." She croaked, and only then did she realize how dry her throat had been. How thirsty she had gotten.

"Yes, it's me," he responded leisurely. She saw his shadow enter and enlarge, coming closer to her. He helped her stand up, and (Y/N) noticed his nose scrunch up because of something – oh no. She realized once she heard she stepped into a puddle. Despite that, he seemed rather... peaceful. Cooperative even.

"Why am I alive?" She couldn't help but ask as he dragged her outside the dark cell. The air outside was so much better to breathe...

"Ah, getting overly curious again, are we, dottore?"

His tone. She didn't feel her legs for an instant. "Pardon," she answered reflexively. Her heart ached at this humiliation. It was slowly becoming integrated into her being. She wouldn't have it that way – or so she revolted inside her mind.

"That's no bad trait, mind you, dottore. I find myself indulging in my fantasies far too –"

(Y/N) landed a hit on his jaw. Pain shot through her arm – punching wasn't the most pleasant, but seeing Cioccolata in pain, hearing him wince, that was what gave (Y/N) life. He stumbled backwards, placing a hand on his jaw, and he glared at (Y/N) who showed zero emotions for his trouble.

"Is this assault, dottore? You're doing something illegal, you might get arrested," he warned, his calm voice a contrast to his bewildered expression.

How dare he, how dare he – (Y/N)'s mind turned into a whirlwind of protests, deforming her face into that of pure rage. She would see him pay. She walked backwards, fists balled up, ready to run away and grab anything to murder that monster.

"I won't fucking regret it, and I'll get you to jail with me, you monster," she growled, "or even better, I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you. I'll – kithl –" Saliva began dripping from her mouth, interrupting her tantrum.

Cioccolata took the opportunity to speak up. "It appears you've forgotten. There's two of us."

That was when she felt something heavy on her back. It had to be Secco. The very moment she felt something on there, she elbowed him multiple times, hitting his ribcage, and hopefully his face as well, for she was aiming there. She wanted to see him suffer.

"Go away – knock it off, go away," she began, then roared, "FUCK OFF!"

The struggle wasn't in vain. Her elbows hurt, but she managed to get him off her back. Secco staggered backwards and fell with a wince – into the ground, vanishing. (Y/N) noticed in the corner of her eye, Cioccolata, approaching with steady steps.

"Don't fucking touch me, don't you fucking dare," she wheezed, hands in front of her to defend herself. And that was all. She was paralyzed, because...

Because she had never seen an expression so grim, so monstrous. He relished in his own apathy and it ruined him. Scarred every bit of his already hideous face. It was far too overwhelming for her.

Then came his turn to be shocked. His brows twitched, eyelids spasmed, as his gaze went above (Y/N). She was quick to follow it.

Behind her stood a... robot, as it seemed, donned in golden and similar colors. Similarly, a bright yellow aura radiated from it – and from (Y/N)... as well?

She felt his clawed hand land on her shoulder. "Run," the figure ordered... in her own voice?

"I've had enough of you," Cioccolata then said, each and every word of his stressed with undivided hatred.

But (Y/N) trusted this being. The instinct was quick. It was a solution deus ex machina, but at least it was there. So... she gathered what had left of her strength, and she ran upstairs. She kept on running. Outside, into the peaceful morning. Somehow, she didn't know how, but nobody interrupted her escape. It was fine. She made it.

She collapsed in the middle of the street as she dialed the police. She couldn't help but wonder if she was burying herself into something even worse.

No. The quiet beeps ticked against her ear while she waited for a response. It couldn't get any worse.

[gallavictorious]

Do you think Mickey feels he got closure with terry?

Short answer and based on what we’ve seen so far: not really, no. Or rather: not yet.

Long (and I do mean really quite long) answer below.

Admittedly, writing on this topic now, before we’ve seen how Mickey deals with the aftermath of Terry’s death in the next episode, strikes me as a bit of a fool’s errand, because what we get on Sunday will (probably, hopefully) offer us more insight into how he feels about his dad and their relationship now. But I am fascinated with the subject, so I’m going to go ahead and indulge in rambling, though with the proviso that everything below is a tentative analysis that might well need to be revised once 11x09 has aired. As always, I’m glad of other people’s input, because I suspect I’m nowhere near done forming my opinion on this.

Before we start, I’d like to note that this post solely and specifically addresses how Mickey reacts to his dad and trauma on the show; it’s not a statement on how actual live trauma victims should or should not relate to their abusers. That really, really isn’t for me to say. Okay?

All right, then. Let’s get to it:

Following 10x12 I thought that Mickey was pretty much done with Terry; as far as he was concerned, that bridge was burned once Terry burned down The Bamboo Lotus, and even though they must have reached some sort of unspoken cold war type of truce (ie not actively trying to kill one another) Mickey seemed content to ignore his dad. No more asking for advice; no more helping out with various “jobs”; no more attempts at some semblance of a relationship, be it a cordial one or a murderous one. What we got in 11x06 didn’t really change that: seeing Terry thus weakened understandably stirred a lot of emotion in Mickey but both his choice not to kill his dad and his choice to eventually help him have arguably less to do with Terry or Mickey’s relationship to him, and more to do with what sort of person Mickey wants to be. At that point, he chooses to be a man stepping away from his father’s hateful legacy, wanting to be better than that. (And by God, Mickey dearest, you are so much better than that.) And that could have been the end of it, you know? That could have been closure of a sort – not in the sense that it in any way healed the wounds of the past, but in the sense that it signified Mickey finding a way to live with the hurt that allows him to move forward.

Now, we knew (from the episode descriptions) this wasn’t the end of their story, but I was still surprised by Mickey’s overt preoccupation with Terry in 11x08. This isn’t just someone doing the (more than) decent thing to be a decent person, this is genuine concern for Terry’s welfare – and while part of it might be tied to the ingrained idea that “family is family” and while Mickey is still very much aware of the fact that Terry is an utter piece of shit, it’s very hard not to read this as Mickey – once more, and probably without fully acknowledging it– being driven by a latent wish for his father’s approval, that need for connection. (As I’ve argued before, I think that’s why Ian’s not necessarily very enthusiastic about Mickey’s dedication, even though he thinks everyone should receive aid and even though he probably is quite taken with Mickey being so caring.)

But while I didn’t really see it coming, I do like it. I get why you’d rather have him finally and vocally and possibly violently denounce his dad; it’d be cathartic, surely, for a lot of people to see that. But to me, what we get feels truer to the complex push and pull of their fractured bond and is quite frankly more interesting to me because it is messy and complicated and unfinished. Terry is a nightmare; he’s still Mickey’s dad; the relationship between an abusive parent and a child is often highly complex, and I think the show has done a consistently good job of showing that. 11x08 is no exception. You might think Mickey should tell his dad to fuck of once and for all because Terry doesn’t deserve Mickey’s time or devotion (I mean, he really doesn’t), but I find it highly realistic that Mickey would opt for this instead now that it’s a possibility. (It’s relevant to note, I think, that Mickey only allows himself to approach Terry again when Terry is helpless and not in a position to actually harm him; Mickey’s ultimately in control here, and I think that’s very important.)

So yeah, I think Mickey is searching for something from his dad still, but I don’t think he quite gets it. Can’t get it, really.

See, I believe that Terry, to some small degree at least, regrets not having a better relationship with Mickey: that’s how I read “you’d probably have made a half-decent son”. However, his regret isn’t tied to any notions of “I wish I’d been better and given another chance I’d try to do things differently” but instead an expression of “yeah, it suck’s that you’re gay so I had to hate you”. It’s not an acceptance of responsibility or even a vague hint of being willing to change or to accept Mickey for who he is, and because of that – because Terry is not willing or able to change and because Mickey will no longer accept anything less – Mickey’s potential but unvoiced dreams of reconciliation cannot be fulfilled. (And let’s be clear: even if Terry did repent and changed and made what amends he could that doesn’t undo or make up for the damage he has done and Mickey has zero obligation to forgive him or spend even another second in his company.)

So it’s not enough – what could be? – but it is something. A grudging acknowledgment of Mickey’s good qualities, an admission that he is desirable as a son – or would be, if it weren’t for that one thing. :/ It’s recognition and rejection all wrapped into one, and I really like Mickey’s response: he makes it clear that he knows that he’s not the problem here and that he’s fully aware of what an evil bastard Terry is but that he still chooses to be there; chooses to feed Terry and find him a nurse, rather than scoop his eyeballs out or piss on him or use his mouth for a fucking ashtray.

It reminds me of a passage from the Swedish novel Beartown by Fredrik Backman: “She will hold all the power in that moment, but she will spare him. She doesn’t forgive, she doesn’t pardon, she merely spares him. He will always know it.” (2017[2016]:466, my translation.)

It’s remarkable too, I find, that Mickey doesn’t try to hide his hurt here: he allows himself to be vulnerable, to let his father see the pain he has caused. And Terry doesn’t pounce on it; he doesn’t scorn Mickey’s “weakness” or argue with his denunciation; he accepts the judgement and opens his mouth to accept the food without further protest, accepting – in that moment, at least – what Mickey chooses to give him. He concedes his loss of power and his dependance on the son he tortured and disowned. (But it’s not like he gives fully either – there’s no apology, no thanks, no actually asking for help: he just opens his mouth. It’s a lot for Terry, and I think we can acknowledge that, but it doesn’t change the fact that he is an utter and total asshole – and I’m glad that the show didn’t have him do more, because that would have felt… unlikely to me.)

It’s such a small thing, and so far less than what Mickey deserves, but probably more than he expected at this point. In time I think it will be helpful to him, to have gotten even this much, but at the time of Terry’s death I’d argue that it adds to rather than lessens Mickey’s burden. Because it’s possible that this could serve as a bookend to their relationship: not a reconciliation but as much of peace as they’ll ever know – eyes lifted to momentarily meet across the abyss in one brief instance of seeing, and being seen by, one another. But going only by what we get in 11x08 I don’t think that this is quite it, and rather than Mickey (in the moment) taking this as the final word or where they stand I think that he – in spite of everything Terry has done – can’t help but think of this exchange as an opening, the potential start of something. Not sure it’s a conscious thing, or how comfortable he is with this notion, because of course he is still very angry with and hates his dad, but consider the way he keeps looking at his phone and insisting they check back in with the nurse: that’s not the actions of someone who has laid things to rest and let it go, that’s Mickey doubling down on being a concerned son and… Yeah. As things stand, I tend to think that he was hoping against hope that maybe, possibly–

And then Terry is dead and Mickey is left with all of his conflicting emotions and nothing to do with them. It’d have been easier, probably, if it hadn’t been for that tiny, tiny softening; that small flare of hope I think Mickey might be quite angry with himself for feeling, if he admits to feeling it at all. It’d be easier if he could just hate Terry, you know?

Now, we don’t know what Mickey would have done if Terry (and that’s a big fucking if) had ever indicated any actual regret. But whether Mickey would have wanted that opportunity to rekindle a relationship with his father or if he’d have used to spit in Terry’s face and spend five hours telling him why Mickey would never forgive him and felt nothing but hatred and revulsion for him, that choice was forever and finally taken from him.

However, I don’t think this means that Mickey won’t find closure; I believe he will, and I think – hope – that we’ll get to see some of that in the next episode. Because the thing about Terry not being willing or able to change means that he would never have been able to give Mickey what he truly needed anyway (and as mentioned, even if he did change there’s no undoing his crimes). It was always going to come down to Mickey finding a way to live with the scars; finding a way to make some sort of peace with the past (which doesn’t have to include making peace with Terry at all) and to let it be the past. He doesn’t strictly speaking need Terry for that and given what an asshole Terry is, maybe it’s actually easier to manage it when he’s not around to fuck it up.

So yeah. It’s not likely to be sweet or neat or even very conclusive – these things rarely are and recovery is a process – but I think that Mickey will get some closure one way or another, and I believe that in the end he’ll be glad for the tiny moment they shared just before Terry’s death, even if it’s a complicating factor now.

(It should also be noted that Terry isn’t horrible just as an evil response to Mickey being gay; he was plenty horrible to him and the rest of his kids outside of that too. Consider Mickey listing the awful things Terry did when Mickey was just a kid; consider Mandy telling Debbie in season 5 that she learned how to cover up a bruise form living with Terry. The attempted murder(s) and corrective rape and disowning Mickey was a result of Terry’s virulent homophobia, but he was an awful father long before he knew Mickey was gay. So even without the homophobia, there’d be a hell of a lot to hate him for.)

There’s certainly more to say on this topic, and I think that we’ll have reason to return to it come Sunday - but for now, that’s most of my thoughts, I think.

[myfandomrambles]

Morgana Pendragon Character Analysis (pt1)

Introduction:

Morgana Pendragon is one of the most key characters in Merlin. Her role is integral to the character arc of all of the other leads. Her story is about how someone can let their pain consume them whole. As an abuse victim and a member of a marginalised community, she is set up for being isolated and fearful. This alienation is turned both inward and outward making her deeply dangerous to herself and others. She takes this alienation to push almost everyone out of her life and force others to suffer the same way she did. Her righteous anger at her treatment by her father and society goes to waste when none is put to constructive ends. 

She allows emptiness, fear and anger to consume her. She replaced her core beliefs with those of “others are out to hurt me” and “the only way to live is through the acquisition of power”. Her ability for both affective and cognitive empathy becomes suppressed as any joy she can drive comes from exerting control over others. She is compelled into implementing her obsessions around revenge and survival. Depression, obsessive thoughts, paranoia, fear and anger fill all corners of her mind leaving her without access to flexible thought and internal peace. 

Analysis:

At the start, she is living as a member of court and Uther’s ward. She continually butts heads with Uther. This is due to her being headstrong and fearless. This bravery and stubborn disposition causes more rifts as she is seen to be hysterical and as an object, leaving her subject to gaslighting and other forms of abuse. However, this rarely stops her from being involved when important. Morgana often works with Arthur and Merlin early on. The most key of these events being when they save Mordred. (1x08)

However, her stubbornness isn’t all-consuming, while resisting being forced to do things she dislikes she is smart enough to know when to lie and when to bend the knee. Partly because as a child and young-adult she holds a mix of respect, love and fear towards Uther. She shows skills in court life, this is deeply important to understand as it becomes a useful skill when she works against the kingdom. But in the beginning, it shows someone who lives in the duality of wanting to assert herself and someone who absorbed the social rules she was raised with. 

Morgana shows great care for those around her wanting them to be safe and happy. Often stepping up to speak on behalf of them, and generally treating even Gwen and Merlin, people considered her inferiors socially, with respect. Standing up for Gwen's dad, helping protect Elador, helping feed peasants and trying to protect Gwen when they are attacked shows her kindness and loyalty. (1x03, 1x08, 1x10-12)

She doesn’t have a consuming desire for power, no particular plan to marry into or otherwise acquire power. Her later turn to power is reactive and less of an innate drive. It also a drive to be the one who determines her future. 

When Morgana's powers start to grow we see the first shift in her character. The development of anxiety and depression colour the way she acts. It adds layers to her abuse and trauma. A great deal of gaslighting is used to convince her she is mistaken and to prevent the acknowledgement of her magic. Which we know Gaius has been hiding since she was a child visa via her prophetic nightmares. 

This alienation is from the entire culture she grew up in. When she visits the druids in The Nightmare Begins (2x03) Morgana feels free and desires to stay, she just wants to be herself. 

This is similar to the experience marginalised people experience in real life. She knows that if discovered her magic father figure/father would likely kill her. Morgana also believes her other loved ones would at the least disown her. 

In reality, there is some nuance. Merlin acts as both an agent of the system while originally trying to help her and Gaius and Gwen would not wish harm on her. But Morgana is understandably afraid and full of anxiety to reach out for help. This anxiety, confusion, fear and alienation become the way she perceives the world. Life is Morgana, then everyone else. This pain drives a wedge between her and everyone she used to care for.

Outside of the gaslighting and threat of violence, she experiences from those close to her during The Witchfinder (2x07) we see her deal with mental assault from an outside force with no support from her family as they don’t understand. This makes her dysregulation, anxiety, depression and isolation worsen. 

The next two key events in her first character transformation can be seen at the end of season two. First, Morgana meets Morgause (2x08) and automatically feels a connection to her. Second, Morgana is pushed to verbally disown Uther due to his treatment of Avalar and by extension the rest of the Druids and others born with magic. This is the final relational rupture between them:

Morgana: They are rising up against you! From this day forward, I do not know you. From this day forward, I disown you

King Uther: You will go to your chambers!

Morgana: And you, Uther, you will go to hell.

 (2x11)

We then see her move into helping Morgause try and destroy Camelot. At this point, it is driven by the anger she has for Uther and his treatment of others. It has yet to have the drive of becoming queen. Her connection to Morgause also plays a large role as she finally has a person to be close to without the artifice of court life over it. Morgause gives her a choice and with that an illusion of power. At this point, there is a more powerful member of their team. Morgana ends this attempt at Camelot almost being murdered by someone she considered a friend. (2x12)

We then have an interesting moment in her character arch in her year away from Camelot. This time away changes her from someone who while willing to hurt Uther didn’t seem driven for the destruction of Camelot, to one who will hurt everyone. There is also a reprieve from the fear-driven to more controlled anger by the assistance of Morgause. 

We are never told what happened in the year. All we know is he stayed with her sister and likely had her hatred of Uther entrenched even further. Her worst tendencies towards vengeance over justice and ego over compassion are reinforced. This shifts her schema farther into negative ones and worsens her ability to think in shades of grey.

When she does return her previous ability to play the game of court life is stronger and utilised to great effect convincing everyone for a while that she is essentially the same person, except for Merlin and by extension Gaius. Gwen is the next to figure it out due to Morgana’s affect control dropping and her real emotion bleeding through over time. (3x08)

As she returns to Camelot she quickly moves to attempt another attack. This attempt is stopped again by Merlin, but in this attempt, we see new cruelty in her willingness to torture Uther and that her magic has grown. This is also the last time I believe her alienation and marginalization is her driving force. After this, I think she fully turns her internalized fear of her magic onto everyone else. Her exchange with Merlin during the battle feels genuine and not at all like manipulation or even just a justification as it becomes later, but a real motivation. She has not yet grown to shut off her empathy for everyone, only Uther and Arthur. (3x1-2)

Soon after her second attempt on the castle, we see another large shift in motivations. She almost dies and is severely injured which puts her in a vulnerable place and during this same time she learns she is Uther’s daughter in blood as well as circumstance. She learns that he never was willing to claim her or even tell her. This pushes her to act rashly, almost committing patricide. (3x05)

Her ability to be cruel in her aims continues to grow, to hurt Arthur she puts Gwen through terrible pain as well as Elyan. (3x07) We see her magic grow, her emotions grow but her ability to hide her intentions failing, at least around Gwen. Her attempts at her family's lives also continue to be cruel as she tries to kill Arthur and Uther in slow and painful ways. (3x08, 3x11)

When Morgana isn’t trying to kill the people she used to love she is trying to mess with their lives in more petty ways. This includes exposing the love Arthur and Gwen have for each other, putting their relationship in jeopardy and Gwen’s over well being. This is over her fear of Gwen being Queen when Arthur would become Queen, something that Morgana gains obsessive thoughts over throughout the rest of the story. (3x10)

Morgana is willing to kill a large number of the people at this point not only those she has a personal issue with. Though she does offer safety to Gwen thought it’s contingent on her considering Morgana to be the rightful queen. She is willing to rule by fear and threat, not understanding how to win over the people. (3x12-13). This attempt fails and Morgana loses her sister and the allies her sister made.

After being defeated and having to flee the castle with her dying sister she spends a year moving around with her ill sister while also gaining more strength and becoming a fully-fledged High Priestess of the Old Religion. 

In an attempt to take the castle again she has to kill her sister. Something that caused her great distress as Morgana believed Morgause was the only person who understood and loved her. This event causes great suffering to all, it’s also when Morgana adds her obsession with Emrys along with her obsessive thoughts over Gwen and Uther. 

During this first period of exile, she recruits Agravaine to be her spy and aid within the court. They seem to be united by a common cause but Morgana doesn’t treat him as equal, adopting the belief she hated so much from Uther, treating others as tools. 

She also accepted a standard of living that is much below that of the ward of the king. Her way of dress and acting also shifts, she’s still cunning and driven but while now being the master of herself she is more erratic and seems to feel just as out of control and obsessed as she was when living a lie. Her affect control, impulse control, regulation and social regulation deteriorated. Fear also returns to being a driving force. (4x01-2)

Morgana succeeds in killing Uther in The Wicked Day (4x03) by cursing a necklace and Agravaine puts it on Uther so that when Arthur uses magic to try and bring back his father from a fatal injury he dies faster. Planning to finally kill her father she also wishes guilt and pain on her brother.

We then see Morgana use both strength and her ability to manipulate to work Queen Annis to try and kill Arthur. Morgana is not against using her history to use another person. However, Annis sees through her when Arthur shows honour and points out that Morgana is much more like Uther than she realises, and in saying this it also refutes the point Morgana tried to make early in the episode that Gorlois was who was her true father. This is true in both the biological sense but also through the fact that Uther spent more time acting as her father and had generally known her own life. This statement also acts as a trigger causing her to show extreme emotions. (4x05)

One of the key lines of dialogue we have to see where Morgana’s mindset is at during this period is 

Morgana: Don’t think I don’t understand loyalty because I’ve got no one left to be loyal to

This is important because it shows that the isolation that started by The Nightmare Begins has enveloped her. Now she is no longer even fighting with or for anyone she has devoted herself to revenge and survival.

We also see the fear that drives Morgana as at the site of Emrys her first reaction is flight. During their battle, we see that they are almost evenly matched in magical power, though Morgana only really gets through due to Merlin not being willing to act decisively still. (4x06)

Morgana's obsession with Emrys becomes almost all-consuming. Morgana gives away the most emotionally significant thing left of her sister to obtain information on Emrys. She tries desperately to find the information torturing a man who spent her childhood helping to take care of her. But a layer of contradictions exists as he also tried to make her doubt her reality and is helping the person destined to prevent her ascension to queen and to kill her. This complex relationship is important here for the emotional repercussions of what seems like a straightforward attempt to extract information. (4x07)

Morgana shows no regard for even the laws of life and death gain in her quest in Lancelot Du Lac (4x09) bringing Lancelot back to life. Morgana does not even to directly finish her quest to take the throne but to ruin her once friend, and closest confidant's chance at happiness. This is driven by an obsession with her past nightmare about Gwen becoming Queen. Though of course, it has the added benefit of breaking her brother's heart. The only show of emotional connection we see in her is the fear underlying her actions and her musings on the emptiness the shade Lancelot has. 

During The Sword and The Stone (4x12-13), we see Morgana take over the castle by using Agravaine for treason. Morgana is not only ruthless in what would be considered warfare but takes initiative to be cruel to the peasants willing to let them starve to gain control. She then tortures Gawain, Elyan and Gaius not only for information but just because she gains pleasure from it. The ability to empathise with those she deemed her enemies is no longer existent, even those who have not directly harmed her. Her depressive states and emotional nubbing is only broken when she can exert control over other people. She is choosing to hurt others for her pleasure. 

This is their first battle when both Morgana and Arthur understand who the other is. Morgana calls him as her “dear brother” as a taunt. We then have this exchange:

King Arthur: What happened to you, Morgana?

King Arthur: I thought we were friends

Morgana: As did I. But alas, we were both wrong.

King Arthur: You can't blame me for my father's sins.

Morgana: It's a little late for that. You’ve made it perfectly clear how you feel about me and my kind. You're not as different from Uther as you'd like to think.

King Arthur: Nor are you.

Morgana: I’m going to enjoy killing you, Arthur Pendragon. Not even Emrys can save you now.

We see Arthur is hurt by what happened and truly did love Morgana and doesn’t like having to fight her like this. And Morgana is consumed by the pain of the past to the inability to care for the present. Arthur, however, is not giving her the power of acknowledging her as his sister. He still says “my father”. He compares her to their father and triggers her anger. We see them attempt to fight, Morgana is unable to use her magic due to Merlin and panics. 

She gathers herself, able to make her escape even coming close to killing Gwen. She then almost dies only being revived by Aithusa, who becomes her closest friend from this point on. (4x13)

We then have another time skip of over two years. Two of those years Morgana was being tortured in the pit by The Sarum. This has the effect of taking an already traumatised individual and layering two years of severe chronic trauma on top of it. She has less control of herself as a result of this and loses the little bit of impulse control she had. 

We first see Morgana after this when she is searching for the Diamair to try and learn how to beat Arthur. Morgana can capture and lure Arthur to her by kidnapping his men and using spies. She almost finds what she seeks but the creature itself has no wish to be used by her making her search futile. We also see her not even consider a father being willing to do something dangerous to save his daughter, her own acquired lack of compassion colouring her judgement. 

This is also the re-introduction of Mordred, a character that acts as the turning point in the rest of the narrative. Seeing Mordred shows some of the only real joy we see from Morgana since her sister died years back. She, however, pushes him away due to her display of rage and dysregulation. Mordred stabs her literally in the back. (5x01-2)

One of Morgana's most cruel attacks is used to try and turn Gwen into a weapon by torturing her for days, breaking down her psychological defences leaving her open to manipulation. This leaves her under control of Morgana thinking that Morgana cares for her. While this is mainly a spell able to be broken there is a part that relies on Gwen's psychology of being compassionate so she will be sympathetic to Morgana’s story and trauma. With the long psychological attacks and this play on Gwen's compassion, we see Morana essentially form a trauma bond. She manipulates Gwen’s perceptions and emotions in a way that is very similar to emotional abusers. 

 This act also kills Elyan in Morgana's attempt to harm Arthur (5x06) During this control we see how strongly Morgana used it to make Gwen not only a weapon but also they feel like they are friends again, being lonely might have been part of why he chose this method and less of a direct method like she did with Merlin. (5x07-8) 

Once Arthur is aware of her curse on Gwen he sets out to break the magic but is almost thwarted by the Dochraid who tells Morgana of his plans to save Gwen. This is interesting as the Dochraid is one of the few magic beings who truly side with Morgana betting on her strength of will over Merlin’s. Morgana is then forced to face off against the one thing other than her dragon, Mordred. Mordred puts up a good fight even saving Merlin’s secret. She felt conflicted in harming him and ends up losing to his surprise attack. (5x09)

After her plan with Gwen fails he returns to her full-tilt hunt for Emrys. She hunts the Catha for information causing terror across multiple kingdoms, then excruciatingly tortures him to try and find out. Hunting anyone down who might know these plans however fail because Alator and Finna believed in something larger and were willing to suffer and die. Morgana no longer understands the bigger picture her idea of a world free for magic isn't her leading drive anymore. After this incident, Morgana is seen to have declared all-out war with Camelot. (5x10)

Mordred acts as the last domino to fall into place before the final battle between Morgana and Arthur Pendragon. When Kara is killed and Merlin and Arthur were the drivers behind her execution, Mordred becomes angry enough at the system of Camelot to move to side with someone he saw as dangerous and broken. He gives Morgana the information she needs on Emrys. (5x11)

With Mordred by her side, Morgana makes her final move, forging a sword just to kill Arthur and finalizing the amassment of an army. She clears the way by removing Emrys from the situation, giving her and Mordred a clean shot at Arthur and the army of Camelot. However, she underestimates Merlin and we see her lose much of her Army and Mordred. This causes Morgana despair as she has to bury the last person she loved. One of the few things that could even start to pierce her depression is ripped away. 

This loss isn’t enough to stop the endless patterns of a compulsive need to take out revenge on Arthur. 

The final moments of her life she taunts her brother in his death claiming a victory. It’s however short-lived as Merlin kills her with a dragon fire-forged blade right after she claims her immortality. Her pain consumed her, and as the death of her father there is no triumph in hurting her brother as all it does is open her up for her death. (5x12-13)

[mountphoenixrp]

We have a new citizen in Mount Phoenix:

                Rafaela Lee Garcia, who is known by no other name,                               a 26 year old daughter of Huracan.           She is an investor and the director of Mount Phoenix Bank.

FC NAME/GROUP:  Kang Seulgi / Red Velvet CHARACTER NAME: Rafaela Lee García AGE/DATE OF BIRTH:  November 8th, 1994 PLACE OF BIRTH: Tampa, Florida, the USA OCCUPATION: business investor, Director of Mount Phoenix Bank (MPB) HEIGHT: 162cm DEFINING FEATURES:

a well-proportioned figure, broad shoulder; hooded, upturned eyes that tend to completely close when she smiles; full cheeks; round chin

a faint scar on the inner side of her left wrist

PERSONALITY: Rafaela will never be satisfied with being inferior. Authoritative, charismatic, shrewd, calculating, and somewhat manipulative, she’s living to follow her own dreams and ambitions. Her hard-earned grit and self-esteem turn her into a disciplined and dignified individual. Being prudent with strong leadership, she takes herself and her doings very seriously.  She’s more than willing to work hard and give everything she’s got for the sake of success, yet at the same time showing respect to people, the law, and work ethic.

While looking stern and composed most of the time, Rafaela still sees herself as fun-loving and approachable. Her whimsicality and sense of humour may surprise others, whereas her intense desire for privacy can perplex even those who are close to her. She prefers to mind her own business and have fun with people she cares for at times, and what she wants from others is respect and not attention. In short, people can try to pay tribute or validation to her, but they shouldn’t expect true gratitude or appreciation from her in return.

Far beyond that calm and powerful facade is a great deal of anxiety and confusion. Rafaela knows well that she’s here to strive for success and status since that seems to be the only way to keep her going. Until now, when she’s done with self-pitying and blaming the world for her weaknesses, she’s still struggling to find what makes her genuinely happy. While she’s got rather healthy self esteem but a quite serious trust issue, and she still needs to learn the true meaning of self-love and, to a further extent, love for other people.

HISTORY: TW: mention of mental disorder, self-harm, sexual harassment, abortion

Rafaela’s birth coincided with the formation of the Gordon, a devastating hurricane, in the southwestern Caribbean. Her mother always included that fact in the explanation, convincing exclusively to her, for Rafaela’s thunderous vagitus and later, her forcefulness.

Being a middle child and the only daughter of a Spanish-American hotel-resort group owner and his young Korean wife, little Cordelia received too much yet too little attention from the world. Intense sibling rivalry, constant peer pressure, and lack of life purpose were the major theme of Rafaela’s life growing up among the brilliant García boys. As a kid, she didn’t mind that at all. The bright side of being the only girl in the family was still enjoyable, as long as she kept being good enough to maintain a decent amount of attention on her existence.

Unfortunately, innocence could never last long. The early adolescent years mercilessly knocked out Rafaela’s sunny core, pushing her right down the bottomless hole of depression. They said she was just another rich kid dealing with trivial struggles typical of her age, and she also believed it. Hence, she did what a teenager in her inexplicable quarter-life crisis would do. Each decision made came out worse than the last, confirming the label that had been unfairly - or fairly? - sealed on her. Spoiled brat, attention whore, brainless rebel, drama queen. Ironically, she had never been or felt like a queen, definitely not at home, and only in her wishful thinking at school. Top education and affluent background didn’t make the kids any nicer, and with her stubborn quietness, Rafaela effortlessly turned herself into an outcast.

One day, at the tender sixteen, when the love letter she wrote to her classmate, a sweet girl with an angelic face, was read aloud in the middle of the school cafeteria at lunchtime, Rafaela revenged herself with a razor. Today, that stupid decision still makes her laugh.

Her poorly planned revenge obviously didn’t work out well, but at least, she was pulled out of that high-end school and instead trapped in their house’s four walls, with CCTVs, a butler, and tutors. She also got a personal chauffeur whose main duty was taking her to and from the office of a prestigious psychologist in town. Six months after her first therapy session, Rafaela was taken to the hospital to take a growing life out of her, while that psychologist was sent to jail for child sexual abuse.

In the next few years, nothing really looked up, except for a really interesting self-discovery. One particular morning, when Rafaela had to walk past that damn psychology office, a tidal of wrath suddenly rose in her chest. Right at her curse, a bold of lightning stroke down from the clear blue sky, setting fire to the whole property.

It would have been only a bizarre coincidence if the same incident hadn’t happened again, then again, whenever she verbalized her wish for destruction. Cool, she thought, since those accusatory fingers pointed at her for being a freak was actually not at all far from the truth. Contrary to popular belief,  Rafaela’s supernatural power discovery fueled her confidence rather than deflating her, as she knew that at least, she felt weird in her own skin for a good reason. Being totally aware of the destruction the power could cause, she started to practice methods to control her tempers, and inner peace and a truce with herself followed as side effects.

Soon, the college era came. It almost magically put an end to that long gloomy winter of her life, for suddenly, she was free to do whatever she wanted, including what she had never thought that she would want to do. Unlike everyone’s, including her own belief that she would never be interested in banking and finance, Rafaela turned out to be one of the best with money among her siblings and half-siblings. With the family’s prosperous assets and what a master degree in finance had taught her, Rafaela made her way to the seat of financial manager of the García’s hotel chains. She also had been venturing into the stock market since her college years, not without some memorable mistakes, but Rafaela’s earned much more than just money from it.

However, it wasn’t all that she wanted. Disliking working under her father’s power and her brothers’ influences, Rafaela constantly sought a way to be completely independent of her family. Finally, on a stormy day, that opportunity came in the form of a mysterious stranger. They gave her the instruction to an equally mysterious island, namely Mount Phoenix, where she was promised not only the independence she had been longing for, but also the truth of who she was. That decently triggered her curiosity, enough for her to actually give it a try.

It turned out that Mount Phoenix really exists, and living in it are real deities and their half-human descendants. And she, not really surprisingly, is one of them.

PANTHEON: Mayan CHILD OF: Huracan (Mayan god of rain, storm, and lightning) POWERS:

Lightning Manipulation: She can generate and manipulate bolts of lightning, and other electronics to some extent. Besides her purposeful use, lightning can also strike the subject of her anger when she curses at it.

Rain manipulation: She can generate and manipulate rain in different forms, including drizzles, light showers, downpours, and monsoons. The scale and duration of the rain will depend heavily on her physical and mental strength at the time she uses the power.

Storm Manipulation: She can generate and manipulate a few types of storms, including rainstorms, hail, thunderstorms, and cyclones. Currently, she can create and control small storms within a small area for approximately fifteen minutes. Using this power demands lots of physical and mental strength.

STRENGTHS:

Despite her rather cold and intimidating look, she likes to socialize and knows how to have fun.

She’s a creative problem solver who loves dealing with good challenges, and to some extent, puzzles and crosswords.  

She’s an astute businesswoman with a no-bullshit attitude and the true grit of a survivor

She’s a walking lie detector, so please don’t try to fool around unless you really know how to

WEAKNESSES:

Her stubbornness’ level: 3000 (and counting)

She’s calculating and manipulative at times, especially when it comes to the real business

She requires lots of privacy and alone time. Nothing will upset her faster than being disturbed in her resting time, and sometimes that means real lightning will strike

While she’s approachable and friendly, it’s actually challenging to get to know the true her, for she’s a well-trained sceptic with six-foot walls built around her core self.

[thelittlestspider]

There’s pain and toil along the road That has no end; A sinking heart, and weary feet That spend Their strength, and lag and crave respite; And dim tired eyes That tend To close their heavy lids upon The stinging dusts that upward wend.

― joseph burrows, the road that has no end

💔 paper heart 💔

genre: horror/supernatural/drama subgenre(s): lgbtq+, romance, mystery age range: 18+ setting(s): salvation, a post-post-post apocalyptic southern town in the wasteland. warnings: death/murder, fire, car crash, implied rape/sexual assault, abuse, torture, sex, ghosts, mentioned demons, unhealthy relationships, violence, disturbing imagery, sexual harassment, gaslighting, emotional abuse, domestic violence, self-harm via sex, victim blaming, the criminal justice system being corrupt/ineffective/broken. (warnings subject to change as fic progresses) pov: third person. multiple. status: it’s up in the air.

links: tag, aesthetic tag, playlist (general).

brief summary:  violet and carter are two supersoldiers abandoned by their enigmatic teammate in a small town after a fire is set to the facility that trained, kidnapped, tortured, experimented on, brainwashed, raised them. but after settling in the seemingly idyllic town, they learn the town may be haunted by more than just ghosts.

@plaguecraft, @ravesthewriter, @relevy, @mvcreates. 

summary: 

♡ part 1. by any other name 

we meet violet and carter, two supersoldiers trained to be killers. it goes something like this:

the fallen. carter is the child of six, the new leader of the mysterious organization known as the Ranch, come into power after making a deal with the devil. they are destined to be married off to six’s hated enemy as punishment for failing sabotaging a mission a year earlier wherein they stopped a hospital fire they and their partner set for the owners to collect insurance money. 

they resign themselves to being agony’s captive until…they meet ray, a struggling young actor playing ophelia in Bellam City University’s Hamlet (funded by agony, who unfortunately loves the arts, theater especially). the teens manage to strike up a friendship despite agony’s stranglehold casting a shadow over their lives. 

the unwillingly crowned. violet is the new favorite alongside sage, her terrifying, enigmatic teammate whose allegiance is unclear. six reveals to the girls that he is going to rid himself of the rest of the assassins and establish them as his personal bodyguards and hitmen. violet is understandably horrified. she convinces sage to help her rescue the others before it’s too late. unfortunately their plan is discovered and they are locked up while a fire is set to the Ranch. 

♡ part 2.

violet and carter are rescued from the fire set to the facility by their enigmatic/terrifying teammate sage, dropped off in Salvation, and left there. they eventually are adopted by a wealthy gothic family (the roses) who live in a haunted house at the edge of town after violet tries to steal from them. they recognize that they need help, so they convince violet and carter to stay with them until they’re settled.  they meet a couple of other kids named tiffany and nina whose parents are friends with the roses. tiffany is a psychic who investigates haunted places, looking for her parents’ spirits after they died in a car crash a few years earlier. nina is a closeted lesbian in a toxic, abusive relationship with a rich guy named kyle whose family is unofficially linked with a bunch of murders in town. (everyone is terrified of them because they pay off law enforcement to cover their crimes, and no one retaliates because they’re afraid they or their friends and family could be next.)

violet and carter are in this strange stage where they’re kind of dating, but also not really. so when they’re introduced to this guy named jason whose parents are also friends of the rose family, there’s a lot of tension because carter really likes jason, violet kind of likes jason, but still it’s kind of awkward.  

eventually carter and nina start following tiffany on her investigations, at first out of concern for her safety, then because they genuinely like looking for paranormal shit. they’re sort of like the scooby gang of salvation. except worse off. they’re also considered kind of the oddballs in town? so this weird intersection of interests combined with social ostracism brings them together and they become friends. violet is sad/jealous she can’t share this with them because she’s terrified of the paranormal and stays home like a sane person.

♡ part 3. untitled

this causes an even greater rift to form between violet and carter. at this point jason proposes to carter and violet and carter have this huge fight that causes them to break up. carter, unsure of the engagement to begin with, breaks up with jason and leaves salvation, only to end up in a town called Red Dog that has a big problem with crime. they end up working at this truckstop/roadhouse for a guy they blackmail into giving them a free room in the hotel. the manager’s like, “nice.” they also meet this girl named bella who seems incredibly familiar and looks almost exactly like them. they wonder if maybe this is the sister they lost all those years ago, but they don’t know for certain. it could just be wishful thinking on their part. 

meanwhile violet’s feeling overall pretty crappy over everything. but then she meets matteo, a guy passing through salvation on the search for his missing family members. violet is smitten. matteo is equally smitten. nina is conflicted because she likes violet, but doesn’t know how to tell her. her relationship with kyle is also getting worse. tiffany is becoming more reckless, which worries both violet and nina.

♡ part 4. critical hit.

a few years later a bunch of spoilery stuff happens involving kyle’s family and carter’s ex, he dies

♡ part 5. dust’s infernal fire.

they find out kyle’s family’s old house is haunted because of all the people murdered/buried on the grounds. the ghosts hurt/scare nina to drive her out of the house so they can get revenge on kyle’s family. nina leaves kyle to go live with her parents and to pick up the pieces of her life.

♡ part 6. a history of sorrow.

eventually she starts dating violet and tiffany and things get a lot better for her.

♡ part 7.  cold comfort and old bones.

eric proposes to carter. things don’t really go as planned.

[moonexile]

luther did not start fighting because he wanted to,  especially under the alias of king king or as exposed / without his normal amount of layers.  none of that was his choice.  none of that was comfortable to him.

he’s been exploited because of his powers / his body all his life —- but after his body modification,  it’s not something he wants to draw attention to.  he hates what reginald did to him even though,  for most of his life after,  it was hidden under a guise of ‘ he saved my life, so it had to be worth it. he did that for me, because he cared about me. ’  but he hates the way he looks,  and he hates what reginald has turned him into.  it’s not something he wishes to reveal to anyone.

when jack takes him in,  it’s because he’s intrigued by how big luther is + how strong he is.  he knows that luther is the perfect protector for him  ---  but he also knows that there is more than he can do with him.  i don’t imagine it was something that luther brought up with him;  i imagine that jack pushed him and pushed him until luther finally revealed what he really looks like.  from there,  jack got his ideas.  he knew that he could exploit this for his personal gain.

a large man with an ape-like physiology is like an anomaly.  it’s a show.  it’s something people want to pay to see.  it’s something that has people intrigued  ---  and something they want to bet their money on.

and it’s also a terror on luther’s mentality,  especially after coming out of season 1,  when he’s discovered that his own father,  despite being the one to do this to him,  can’t even stand the sight of him.  he feels like a monster,  he’s made to feel inhumane  ---  not to mention,  his siblings are throwing names at him like “apeman,”  something they likely don’t realize is harmful because they don’t know how this happened to him / don’t know that luther did not consent to it,  but it’s really damaging for luther to hear.  and he does not know how to process the pain he feels when he hears something like that because it’s exactly what he thinks of himself,  too.  he’s hurt,  but he doesn’t know how to overcome it or how to tell them to stop.  he just takes it,  he doesn’t know any other way.

which brings on the comment he says to reginald:  “we are not circus animals.  we’re not going to bounce balls on our noses and clap our hands like seals for your amusement.”

as a kid,  he loved showing off.  he had pride in his powers.  but now there’s this extra level of shame and yes a lot of this is directed at reginald,  but it’s also very triggering to him in terms of what’s happening in his personal life  ---  he’s starting to realize that jack didn’t have a genuine relationship with him,  it was not the father/son relationship he desperately hoped for.  jack really was just using him.  jack was using him to put on a show because of the way he looked.

because once again,  luther desperately needed guidance / something to be loyal to,  and jack took advantage of that.  jack needed an easy way to make money and knew that he could make luther do just that for him.  people would pay to see someone who looked like an ape fight,  and if luther gave them a show beyond that,  throwing the fights until the very end,  then had the perfect set up.

except that luther has never wanted to cause harm to anyone;  every time he ever has,  it’s been out of panic or a way of coping with the revelations of his trauma  (  which does not make it okay,  but when you look at how his intentions have never been to cause harm,  you can understand why being thrown into a fighting pit nightly isn’t the way he wants to live.  )  so being forced to fight every night isn’t fun for him.  there’s a little bit of satisfaction in it knowing that he can be beaten on,  because he feels like he deserves it,  but as soon as he remembers that people have come here just for their own entertainment,  he’s miserable again.

and then there’s the alias ---- king kong.  being solely defined by his body,  a body that he did not choose or agree to,  means having to face that part of himself that he hates every single day,  and watching people cheer him on for it.  he would never personally choose to wear a tank top like that in front of a crowd of people,  while people cheered him on as king kong.  being uncovered was not about a newfound confidence.  it was just about pleasing jack,  because he felt like that was the way to get a real relationship with him,  still following the same path he had with reginald despite that not working out for him either.

luther did not start fighting because he wanted to,  because that was what was best for him.  he started fighting because he is desperate for approval and for a purpose.  jack took him in,  just as reginald did,  and even though luther is starting to understand reginald’s abuse for the first time in his life,  he was blind to the way jack was abusing and exploiting him too.  he just wanted a relationship of some kind,  something to hold onto,  something that made him feel normal,  because this is the very first time in his life that he’s out in the real world  (  as real as it can be for someone who time traveled.  )  but he quickly found that it wasn’t what HE would want  ---  it was just something he was doing so he could have some sort of drive,  because he’s always needed one.  he’s just never been able to find that for himself.  

there is only one time that it doesn’t feel so shameful  ---  and that’s when he sees the kids who are cheering him on,  yelling “king kong” in such a positive manner,  looking at him like he’s their hero.  there is something so reminiscent of the past in that,  to be that guy again  ----   a superhero,  the person people look to to save the day,  to cheer on,  to praise.  and it feels good;  it’s one of the most honest, genuine smiles we get out of luther this season.  for once,  people are looking at him like a hero,  despite his body modification.  they’re using the alias in a positive connotation.  these kids aren’t looking at him like he’s some kind of anomaly,  and for a brief moment in time,  luther actually feels okay in his own body.  but only briefly.  that fades quickly.  

but at least this was something just for himself.  at least his family didn’t have to see him that way.  it was just strangers,  he could convince himself that was fine  ----  until they said his alias on television,  and his family all looked at him.  he could have said that it wasn’t his choice,  he could have said that he didn’t want to be called that  ----  but he really does not know how to stick up for himself about this part of his life,  because people talk about it so casually or they use it for their own personal entertainment,  and he doesn’t know how to process that.

[komcrebi-moved]

        UA  KIDS  GO  HARD!                   There is NO denying that. Imai Kazane is no exception!

      Please, allow me to go off this time about how Kazane, holder of a CONDUIT type quirk.. can-- and with growth-- WILL go fucking HAM.  Her quirk, briefly described: The ability to ABSORB, (& utilize for her own benefit), and PASS ON energy.   Hence.. Conduit.;;  Energy seems to be drawn to her in some fashion, at times without her even realizing her quirk has activated-- and as such, she sometimes has difficulty controlling her quirk due to it’s somewhat volatile nature. She’s practicing control and restraint everyday.

      Below, I will be talking about how, with proper training and patience (& with help from the one and only one lunged, puppy dog of a teacher-- ahem. Andi Williamson--) Kazane will learn how to not only control, but use and expand on the power that has ruined her life up until now, and caused others to fear her, and write her off as not only dangerous, but as an undesirable.        Kazane has a terrifying power. One capable of true Devastation at it’s peak potential, and only in due time, will she realize  just  how  strong  she  truly  can  be.  And with the expansion of her abilities and potential,  she will... in time.. come to be able to harness the even the very energy from the sun itself.

   Let me preface this by stating... Kazane has been mistreated, without exaggeration, ALL of her life. This is a general CONTENT WARNING for this muse to those who may read it. There will be mention of abuse, of bad home life, and of bullying and mental illness throughout her writing and interactions.  That is part of her, forever.   

   I hold so much love for all of my characters, but let me talk about IMAI KAZANE for a hot second.  My .. little,  precious child.  Who deserves... so much better.  And so,  is going to work to have so much better than she has had.  She can be dark, and frightening, but there’s no mistaking that light in her heart that tells her that SHE CAN BE GOOD. She can be MORE than what others have told her she will be.  More than a destroyer, or a force that only can TAKE.   She’s going to GIVE it her best shot, here at UA, with the help of her friends, and her mentor, VEGAS, a young, mostly retired hero who too, is trying to be better.

   In the past, her quirk has given her a lot of trouble, and it has forced her to become a loner, for fear she may accidentally hurt someone... again.  And out of distrust for others due to her long-time mistreatment and the fear others hold for her ability to turn living things into a husk of what it formerly was. She has never killed anyone,   but she has seriously harmed others on several occasions.  Always by accident.  mostly. 

   Something inside of her flipped like a light switch at the end of middle school.  She found out her quirk was not simply VAMPIRIC, as it was originally assumed. With the discovery that she could, with some effort, RETURN energy she has leeched, she was determined to enter UA high, and to learn how to better understand her quirk as well as how to use it safely, and in a way that is useful.

              ‘ A vampiric quirk like that, where you only steal from                      others--   is something only a villain could have...’

    She is determined to show that she too, someone with a frightening quirk,  can be more than what the world expects of her, or assumes she can and cannot be.   When she discovered by accident one day that her quirk was not what she thought it was (nor what everyone ELSE thought it was)... It opened doors she never even knew existed for her. She was terrified and overjoyed at the same time.  For the first time in her life,                                 . . .   SHE  HAD  HOPE.

   She started on her training, relentlessly practicing,  overworking herself,  overusing her quirk to the point she’s made herself sick on more than one occasion.  Kazane was determined to change how things were for her... Because, she realized, no one else was going to do it for her. So she would not settle for less any longer. And that included her living situation with her current foster family.  Overall,   she will have made a momentous overhaul to her life after passing the entrance exams for UA.  She passed, though just barely. Everyone was much quicker, much stronger, and knew how to use their quirk in creative ways. She wouldn’t be able to show her true strengths until the sports festival, where she will have had much more time and practice with her newfound abilities.

__            *     Kazane is a troubled individual. She has been since childhood--  where most of her problems began.  She has a darkness inside of her heart from her experiences in life, and it comes out most when she’s, of course, having a bad day... Or when she’s fighting.          Given an enemy or opponent,  Kazane has shown that she can be quite ruthless and cruel.  Her hatred and anger is something she will forever carry in her heart, and she uses that to her advantage.  RAGE is her motivation.  Rage at her mistreatment,  abuse,  neglect,  and the general state of the world and the suffering of herself,  and other people.  When she grows,   it  will  evolve  into  OUTRAGE.   Despite her overall quiet,  calm, though melancholy  demeanor--  she holds this anger in her heart like a burning coal, and stokes it to flames when necessary.

     If, say, during a situation like the attack on UA-- she’s faced with a genuine enemy who wishes to do harm to her or her classmates.. She’ll go all out, and won’t hold back. If someone wants to truly hurt others,  and she is faced with them,  she will treat them as they treat others.    She wouldn’t kill them (if she continues down the Hero route)  But if she allows herself,  she will become.. a rather frightening person to them,  and to anyone unfortunate enough to witness her using them to lash out on.    She believes that those who mistreat or hurt others for their own gain, or simply because... They Can... are truly despicable.  And are deserving of punishment and any justice that may be brought upon them.   She does not... and will not stand for these kinds of people-- some of the same kinds who have made her life a living hell-- to be allowed to continue to ruin the lives of others, or to cause further suffering.

    Despite her frightening anger and self troubles and darkness and all... Kazane, at her core... Is Light.  She has difficulty expressing herself and often sounds cold, or seems shy... But beneath it,  she is kind.  Or... she wants to be.   She’s trying her best to be the best version of herself that she possibly can. She’s angry,  and hurt,  and troubled, yes. But she’s passionate and feels deeply for those who have, or are suffering.  She wants to do good in the world, and to be a source of HOPE to those who need it most. Above all,   she wants to be the hero she wished she had growing up. _     Kazane, while working with Andi, has improved DRASTICALLY. He encourages and supports her in ways that she has never experienced with another person. She gets angry and tired sometimes, and becomes frustrated when she doesn’t improve or understand how she could possibly do something.  But with much patience, and a little help... And a little hard love, when needed...   She’s able to overcome these obstacles.  Andi has helped to teach Kazane to improve her overall abilities, in her quirk and in herself. He has helped improve her critical thinking,  and to see through her emotions when they threaten to cloud her judgement.         He uses his own experiences as examples when needed,  wishing for her not to repeat any mistake that left him with life-altering consequences. 

      AND THEN,  came the discussion that would change everything for her.  It’s been discussed,  analyzed,  and thought through.  And deemed dangerous,  but worth the try... if it can be controlled.  Any signs that it could possibly go haywire and bring their student to harm,  and it would be stopped immediately.     Though some may find it fantastical or ridiculous... The topic of discussion being...                 That the sun,  is sometimes thought of...as a living thing.

Who’s to say that she COULDN’T harness the energy from the sun?  She doesn’t need to TOUCH anything to absorb energy...  So why would solar energy be any different? It’s all molecules, isn’t it?       THIS will be the ultimate test for Kazane, and the ULTIMATE show of the true extent of her power.  She has to meditate, build her tolerance, endurance, and concentration-- and push to the very limits of the CONTROL she holds over her own powers. And then push even beyond that.     Andi has made it very clear to her,  that the sun is an endless well of power she could potentially tap into.  And be that as it may,   it also means that it could endlessly fill her,  and destroy her  if her control slips for even a second.  

     Having too much energy, or more energy than she’s used to carrying in her body causes her great pain.  Extended use of her quirk, and hoarding of excess energy if continued will eventually degrade her soft tissue, and in turn, will cause joint, tendon, and issues related to her internal organs.       Having too much energy, and continuing to fill her cells with it far beyond her limits will essentially turn her into a walking atomic bomb... if she can even walk at that point.    This is her OVERCHARGED state.  And her most dangerous / powerful one,  where if she is still conscious and capable of fighting, she can unleash powerful and devastating attacks that she otherwise would not be able to use.  The downside, aside from.. you know. the sensation of every cell in her body burning,  is the Uncontrolled Damage.  

      Because of her quirk,  she actually suffers from chronic pain.  She has tested her limits more than once,  and it in turn, caused herself lasting damage to her joints.  The issues she has are minimal at this point in her life,  but if she were to continue without the use of any support items, it’s likely she may very well be through with her career by the time she’s forty.. if she can push herself that far.

[ladyshandioftheendless]

~Don’t Fear the Demon~

Alright, my babies here’s that end of the year bro story I talked about doing yesterday! HAPPY NEW YEAR, CLASSIC ROCK FAM!! HERE’S TO 2020!!

~Shandi

StarChild helps Demon adjust to his new life on the KISSterian surface..and the unfortunate stigma that comes with it. 

“My Prince what have you done?!” 

The KISSterian Council looked positively scandalized when their Prince walked into the Council Hall with a Demon from the dreaded Underworld. But StarChild stood beside his new companion proudly, ignoring the disgusted looks and whispers. “I’ve simply come here to show you my new friend~ You will treat him the way you treat any other citizen of KISSteria. The Palace is his home now. If I hear about any abuses..well..I’m afraid it won’t be my wrath you will have to face.” 

“You would let that creature do us harm?!”

StarChild shrugged. “He is his own person..not my pet. I am not responsible for how he reacts to being prodded. Do so at your own risk.” With those words, they both turned and walked out. 

“You are not concerned about the consequences of this?”

“Why should I be? I am their Prince. They cannot do anything to me without risking the Elder finding out.” 

Demon snorted. “And why would she care?” 

“Because..she is my mother.” 

“…really now?” 

“Really. I trust you will not repeat that to anyone.” 

“Who would I tell?” 

“Good point~” 

StarChild led Demon downstairs to the lower Star Chambers. It was dark and dimly lit, and Demon took an immediate liking to it. “I thought you might enjoy being down here~” StarChild said, leading him to a thick wooden door. “I had one of the unused Chambers fashioned into quarters for you. I hope you like it~” Surprised, Demon went inside and looked around. The decor was certainly impressive. Black gargoyle statues stood as posts framing a large comfortable bed, covered with red silk sheets, plush red pillows and a black quilted blanket. Candles in a chandelier on the ceiling provided the only light since there were no windows, which pleased Demon greatly. Along with the usual bedroom amenities he noticed and armor stand in the corner. A glimmering suit of black armor was displayed upon it, decorated with silver chains and flaming red gems, with pointed ivory talons molded into the grieves and a red cape embroidered with flames. Demon stared at the display in disbelief. “Is..this for me..?” StarChild smiled. “Do you like it? I thought armor would suit you~” 

“No one..has ever given me anything like this..not even my mentor..” 

“Then I’m even more grateful you’re here..because now I can give you what you truly deserve~” 

Demon turned to his new companion with a genuine smile. “Thank you. Truly.” 

“It’s my pleasure~ I’ll stay to help you if you like~” 

“Help..with what?” 

“To get you into your new armor!” 

“Why?” 

“There’s an event I must attend this evening. A King from a distant realm who is traveling the Cosmos is stopping to rest here in KISSteria. We’re celebrating his arrival with a grand feast. I’d..like it if you attended with me..” Demon looked at the armor again. He was quite curious how it would look on him..so why not? “Very well. I think..yes. I may need help.” 

“Wonderful~!” 

~*~

Later that evening StarChild and Demon walked arm in arm to the Ceremony Hall. The Star Prince looked quite fetching himself, dressed in one of his usual lowcut black spandex suits, belt, collar and platform heeled boots all decorated with rhinestone stars and a purple sequined jacket with black feathers lining its lapels and sleeves. Eyes were instantly drawn to them as they walked down the halls, mainly looks of disdain and gossip. 

“Do you see that hideous thing on the Prince’s arm?”

“Indeed. What is he thinking?”

“Maybe it has him over some kind of spell. How could the Elder allow this?” 

“I hear they’re sleeping together. Disgusting!” 

Demon could hear them all, and the urge the set them all in fire was rising. Then he felt StarChild squeeze his arm. “Pay not attention to their prattle. They unfortunately have nothing better to do with their time. We both know what we truly are to each other. That’s all that’s important.” Demon looked at him and nodded. Those were indeed wise words. 

When they entered the Hall, the Elder greeted them with a small nod. Beside her stood the guest of honor. King Robert Lionsmane was more handsome than the last time StarChild had seen him. His regal attire matched well with his thick crown of long golden curls. StarChild approached the King with a timid smile. “It's..an honor to see you again, Your Majesty~ I do hope you will save a dance for me later~” King Robert smiled. “The honor would be mine, Prince StarChild~ Perhaps later after dinner?” 

“I would like that~” 

Demon found himself dreading what would happen once he was left alone. 

~*~

Dinner passed without indecent, with the exception of some unkind stares. Demon grew tired of it quickly. It was as if every move he made was being studied and judged. What he wouldn’t give to gouge some of their eyes out, but for StarChild’s sake he remained ‘civil,’. King Robert was surprisingly kind to him, often engaging him in conversation. It was rather refreshing to be treated like..a person. Once dinner was ended everyone returned to the Ceremony Hall. Demon sighed. “Must you leave..?” StarChild squeezed his hand. “I know you’re feeling uncomfortable..but I think you’ll be fine if you stay with Mother. I owe a certain gorgeous King a dance~” Demon shook his head as his companion practically floated off into King Robert’s arms. Young mortals and their foolish fleeting affections. He wandered over to the Elder who was speaking with a member of the Council. “Come and join me, Demon.” she said with a smile. The Councilman was less than kind. “Are you sure that’s wise, Elder? The creature may ‘accidentally’ set you on fire or something.” The Elder sighed. “I am certain he has more control than that.” 

“‘He?’ Don’t you mean ‘it’? I wasn’t aware Demons had genders.”

Demon growled. “I am clearly a male. If you do not believe my words I can give you visual proof.” The Councilman scoffed. “Typical of beasts like you. Always devolving into vulgarity. Elder..doesn’t its influence on the Prince concern you?”

“I have seen no ‘influence’ that would cause me concern.” the Elder replied with a shrug. “I trust the Prince to use his own judgement in this matter, and so should you.” 

“If the Prince was of sound mind why would he defile himself by being with this..thing instead of a proper wife?” That was the last straw. Demon’s eyes blazed with fire as he glared murderously at the Councilman. “If the Prince knew you spoke of him in such a way without his knowledge how confident would you be in maintaining your position then? If you think he is so easily swayed then perhaps you should offer your ‘services’ to another Realm.”

“I am fine here, thank you. It is you who do not belong.”

“So you have all told me! Many times in fact! But I am not going anywhere unless the Prince bids it..SO DEAL WITH IT!!”

Demon’s outburst cause the entire room to go silent. First there were disapproving glares, then the whispering started. Demon snarled at them and left. He’d had quite enough. StarChild bit his lip. “Please excuse me, Your Majesty. I must go and see to me friend.” King Robert nodded and kissed his hand. “Of course. My only regret is our dance ending much too soon~” With a blush StarChild waved goodbye and quickly left the Hall with everyone else staring after him. 

~*~

Upon entering his room Demon tore off his cape. How those people infuriated him! He didn’t want to see them..didn’t want to hear the inane trash that spewed from their mouths ever again! How he wished he could return home..but then he would just be back where he started. He couldn’t bear to go through that again. He turned when he heard a knock. It was StarChild. “You could just come in you know. The door wasn’t closed.” 

“I know..but that would be impolite. I’m..sorry about what happened.” 

“Are you? I figured you’d be too busy getting lost in the King’s eyes.” 

“You are my friend, Demon. You are important to me too.” 

“Why do you continue to suffer their indignities? I am not worth it.” 

“Yes you are!!” 

Demon stared at the Star Prince with narrowed eyes. “You do remember what I am do you not? What I represent to them?” StarChild shook his head. “I know what you are..and I don’t care. You’re the only one besides Mother who has treated me like I matter. You don’t know how important that is to me.” He sat Demon down on his bed and leaned against him. “If I had a choice..I’d much rather stay here with you than be..back there.” 

“But you must go back.” 

“As the Prince of KISSteria..yes I must.” 

“Then I will be here waiting.” 

StarChild smiled and kissed his cheek. “Thank you, Demon. Believe me when I say you are the first true friend I have ever had..and I am happy you are here with me~” 

“I’m..glad you are.” 

“I will return as soon as I can slip away again. Then we can do something fun together..just us~” 

“I..would like that.” 

Demon watched the Star Prince leave his room and close the door behind him. He thought back on their words and smiled. He was strong. He could endure this. For StarChild’s friendship..he could endure anything. 

~END~

[fasterthanmydemons]

On Pietro’s Emotional Health

Trigger warnings: PTSD, ADHD, Insomia, Fear of Abandonment, Emotional Co-Dependency, and Suicidal Thoughts

Pietro is far more emotionally stable than his sister, Wanda, provided that she is with him and well. Without her, it’s a different story, but as long as they are together, he can be very solid emotionally. And yet, he does have a few things that identify him as someone who has experienced trauma and is trying to cope as best he can. The twins are both wary of doctors after being experimented on, and have not really ever had medical examinations beyond what was performed in that laboratory, so they don’t recognize certain symptoms and diagnosable mental health or physical health issues that they have because they have never been officially diagnosed. So everything I’ll mention here for Pietro is what’s actually going on with him, but he either doesn’t realize it or doesn’t know that it’s part of an illness or coping mechanism.

PTSD – Pietro does have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from two major events in his life, the death of his parents and subsequent prolonged fear of dying himself while waiting with Wanda for the shell to explode in their house, and the conditioning, physical and emotional punishments, and painful experiments he was subjected to in the Hydra laboratory. If he is saved after being shot at the end of Ultron, having been so violently shot multiple times will add to his existing PTSD symptoms. General symptoms of this for him are nightmares, panic attacks, and flashbacks. More specific symptoms include becoming panicky or experiencing a flashback when exposed to very loud noise (especially explosions or things that sound like that, for example fireworks or cars backfiring), having panic attacks if he thinks he will be separated from Wanda long-term or even thinks too long about the possibility of that happening, and flinching or pulling away sharply when people other than Wanda touch him because he subconsciously thinks he’s going to be struck or something else violent, and also when he is not given any warning before being touched because it surprises him in a bad way.

ADHD – Pietro isn’t just a high-energy guy, he actually does have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). He has a legitimately tough time concentrating, focusing, sitting still, and remembering things. This is because he has a very short attention span that is not due to his increased metabolism and high-energy personality, but that does fuel and exacerbate it. He is easily distracted and quick to jump to act on something before thinking it through. It is a lot more difficult for Pietro to learn things like mathematics, history, languages, etc. than his sister when doing so from books or in a sit-down classroom setting, which sometimes results in insecurity and confidence issues because he feels he is “stupid,” when really it’s just that he had a hard time concentrating enough to learn certain things. Pietro is as intelligent as Wanda, but he learns better while actively doing things in a hands-on manner or through experience out in the world. For example, he learns languages far better by just being plunged out into a city the main language of which he doesn’t speak, and just interacting with locals and learning as he goes. Trying to learn a language from books is not only maddeningly and frustratingly boring to Pietro, it also doesn’t work very well for him.

He reads extremely fast, but doesn’t always retain what he reads unless he is very interested in the topic. Unless something has a story to it or is so interesting to him that he actually thinks about it instead of just reading through, he often forgets what he reads by the following day or even in a few hours. This isn’t memory loss so much as it is just not retaining the information because he’s scanning it too fast without actually processing it. It is the same with telling him to do things or even giving him information like phone numbers, addresses, names, etc. Unless he writes it down or has some other reason for it being special enough for him to remember, he won’t retain it for very long at all. However, he never forgets a face.

This particular disorder exacerbates some side effects or tendencies, if you will, that result from his mutant condition. As a mutant and with Pietro’s specific genetic/biological differences from average human beings, he already has a compulsion to keep moving, the tendency to fidget or always engage in idle movement such as bouncing his leg or playing with his hands, and he is incredibly impulsive. His ADHD compounds these issues already caused by his mutant condition and while it doesn’t increase his physical need to keep moving just based on his metabolism and his muscles’ needs to stay active, it does make the mental compulsion aspect of it even more pronounced. This can also manifest in Pietro being very impatient, lashing out physically, and jumping to action before using his words.

If he sits or lies still for too long, he will feel restless, eventually to the point of him becoming genuinely upset and jittery. If he is forced into inactivity (e.g. being strapped to a table or something), he will actually experience intense body aches from lactic acid building up in his body and damaging his muscles. His metabolism demands not only that he eat more food and more often than normal people but also that he keep moving on a regular basis. That’s due to his mutant condition and not his ADHD, but because he does have the mental compulsion to move in addition to negative physical side effects if he doesn’t, Pietro often processes the compulsion as his body telling him he needs to move or else. This then results in anxiety if he is prevented from moving as he wishes/needs to.

An exception to his short attention span, lack of focus, and impulsiveness is Wanda. If he is with Wanda, Pietro can remain calm and sit still a lot longer. He can also focus more with her near him. That’s the positive side of it, but the negative side is that in the Hydra lab, the scientists and soldiers quickly learned that if Wanda was harmed as punishment for Pietro not obeying them or focusing on things they wanted him to learn, he would quickly become compliant in order to protect her. That unfortunate abuse proves that he is capable of focusing with great effort when he really needs to, but he cannot keep that up forever. Wanda knows this and accepts her brother as-is, often defending his need to move and his lack of concentration if anyone criticizes him for it. To her, he doesn’t have any disorder, that’s just the way he is, and people should leave him alone about it and stop making him feel ashamed of it.

Insomnia – Pietro does not do well with a schedule that assumes he will sleep 6-8 hours a night. Instead, he does best sleeping 3-4 hours at night and then taking one or two 1-2 hour naps during the day. Sleeping shorter periods of time but more often is better for his body and often helps him avoid things like fatigue and headaches due to lack of R.E.M. sleep and beneficial rest. If he is forced to stick to a schedule that assumes he will sleep for a long amount of time at night, the anxiety of knowing he will inevitably wake up and be bored or lonely in the middle of the night will actually keep him from sleeping at all. Really, in an ideal situation, Pietro prefers to just sleep whenever he is tired. If left completely to his own devices, he would probably sleep 1-2 hours every 6-8 hours, sleeping a total of 3 to 8 hours per day, depending on his activity level. Another source of anxiety and insecurity for him is when people tell him they think he’s lazy because he’s napping so often. If he’s randomly nodding off too often, though, that’s a sign that his current sleep schedule is not working for him at all or that his diet is not adequate for his body’s needs. Pietro needs a lot of calories in terms of fuel, but the type of calories matters. He needs protein for his muscles, healthy sugars, some healthy fats, and the right balance of nutrients. Not having a proper diet will throw his metabolism and therefore the rest of his body out of whack and will interfere with his sleep pattern.

Fear of Abandonment/Separation – Losing almost everyone he’s loved has understandably affected Pietro negatively. His grandparents and parents are all dead, and he almost lost his sister when their house was bombed as well, the way he sees it. Because of this, he has an intense fear of people he’s close to leaving him or dying and ultimately “abandoning” him. He also has a severe almost phobia with regard to being separated from his sister. I’m not talking about for five minutes, although sometimes that can trigger a greater fear that something will happen to her while he isn’t around to protect her, but he is afraid of being separated from her forever, either in death or because someone forcibly separated them. Hydra used separation as a punishment for the twins and an isolation tactic to test them separately and explore the possibility of turning them against themselves. Obviously that didn’t work, but Pietro gets very panicky if it looks like someone might try to separate him from Wanda for abusive or controlling purposes. If someone actually tries to separate them, he is likely to become physically violent in order to prevent this.

Emotional Co-dependency – The Maximoff twins are unusually close. Siblings sometimes are close, and twins perhaps even more so, but the Maximoff twins may seem too close to some onlookers. While their relationship is absolutely not incestuous, the physical affection they show each other and their tendency to stand very close to each other and embrace each other often is sometimes taken as an indication of that. This actually annoys them, to have their affection labeled as incestuous, as they disagree immensely with that label.

There are two reasons why they are closer than normal siblings aside from just the fact that they love each other very much. First, being orphaned at a young age and having no choice but to rely on each other as they tried to survive on the streets fostered a necessary closeness. Sometimes they had to hold each other to keep warm while they slept. Sometimes they had to perform first-aid on each other if they ended up getting wounded or becoming ill. So there was an actual physical survival need for them to be close that then fostered the emotional need and dependency. The other reason is trauma. The more the twins suffered, the more frightened and traumatized they became, the more they looked to each other for comfort. This was partially because they didn’t trust anyone but each other, but also because, having gone through the same painful events in their lives, they each understood what the other was feeling and could empathize very well. Therefore, the twins do have a co-dependent emotional relationship that helps them not only survive but cope with shared trauma.

It is canon in the movies that Wanda can survive without her brother, since she goes on for years after Pietro is killed, but it is also canon that she contemplated suicide after he died by lingering in Sokovia well past the time it was safe to do so. If their situations were reversed and Wanda was killed, there is a very good chance that Pietro would also become suicidal. Emotionally, he would not be able to cope very well with the loss of his sister. Intervention and counseling might save his life, but he would be forever changed, and his mental health would suffer greatly from then onward. Aside from missing her to the point of not knowing what to do with himself, Pietro identifies himself specifically as a twin. That’s a large part of his self-identity, his pride, his personality, etc., and to remove that is to remove much of what makes him him. He would not recover well from that sort of life-changing shock, and to be fair, neither would Wanda, even though the movies basically eliminated any grieving process she might have had.

[basicsofislam]

ISLAM 101: The Basic Concepts of Islam: Part 3

The Concept of Life

Life is a brilliant demonstration of Gods wisdom and knowledge, a vivid reflection of His art and power. He is the Giver and Creator of life. Nothing comes to existence by chance, and nobody creates himself or anybody else. Life is a dear and cherishable asset, and no sensible or normal person would like to lose it by choice. Even those who feel so desperate and take their lives by committing slow suicide, try in the last minute to regain their existence and wish to capture a second chance to live. Life is given to man by God, and He is the only Rightful One to take it back; no one else has the right to destroy a life. This is why Islam forbids all kinds of suicide and self-destruction and recommends patience and good Faith when a dear soul passes away. When a murderer is executed in punishment, his life is taken away by the right of God and in accordance with His Law.

When God gives life to man, it is not in vain that He endows him with unique qualities and great abilities. Nor is it in vain that He charges him with certain obligations. God means to help man to fulfill the purpose of life and realize the goal of existence. He means to help him to learn the creative art of living and enjoy the good taste of life according to the Divine guidance. Life is a trust from God, and man is a trustee who should handle his trust with honesty and skill, with mindfulness of God and with the consciousness of responsibility to Him.

Life may be likened to a journey starting from a certain point and ending at a certain destination. It is a transitory stage, an introduction to the Eternal life in the Hereafter. In this journey, man is a traveler and should be concerned with only what is of use to him in the Future Life. In other words, he should do all the good he can and make himself fully prepared to move any minute to Eternity. He should consider his life on this earth as a chance provided for him to make the best of it while he can because when his time to leave comes he can never delay it for one second. If his term expires, it will be too late to do anything about it or extend it. The best use of life, therefore, is to live it according to the teachings of God and to make it safe passage to the Future Life of Eternity. Because life is so important as a means to an ultimate end, Islam has laid down a complete system of regulations and principles to show man how to live it, what to take and what to leave, what to do and what to shun, and so on. All men come from God, and there is no doubt that they shall return to Him. In one of His comprehensive statements Prophet Muhammad wisely advised man to consider himself a stranger in this life or a traveler passing by the world.

The Concept of Religion

Throughout history, religion has been abused and misunderstood. Some people use it as a means of exploitation and suppression, as a pretext for prejudice and persecution. Some other people use it as a source of power and domination over the elite and the masses alike. In the name of religion, unjustifiable wars have been launched, freedom of thought and conscience has been oppressed, science has been persecuted, the right of the individual to maturity has been denied, and man’s dignity and honor have been flagrantly debased. And in the name of religion, an injustice has been inflicted upon humanity with the result that religion itself has suffered many losses. These are historical facts which no one can deny. But is this the proper function of religion or the right approach to religion? Could this be the purpose of religion? The indisputable answer is an emphatic no. There are many religions in the world, and each one claims to be the one and only true religion. Each religion is supposed to have come from God for the right guidance of man. But these claims contradict each other and have caused dissensions among people and vehement reactions to religion – instead of welding mankind into one universal brotherhood under the One Universal Benevolent God. This situation makes any neutral observer confused and perhaps averse to all kinds of religion.

The Islamic concept of religion is unique in the broadest sense of the word. It is true that genuine religion must come from God for the right guidance of man. And it is equally true that human nature and major human needs are basically the same at all times. This conception leads to one conclusion, and that is: There is only one true religion coming from the One and the Same God, to deal with the outstanding human problems of all times. This religion is ISLAM. But it should be borne in mind that Islam was taught by Prophet Muhammad alone. On the contrary, Islam had been taught by all the prophets before Muhammad, and the true followers of Abraham and Moses, as well as those of Jesus and the rest, were all called MUSLIMS. So Islam has been and will continue to be, the true universal religion of God, because God is One and Changeless, and because human nature and major human needs are fundamentally the same, irrespective of time and place, of race and age, and of any other considerations.

Bearing this in mind, the Islamic concept maintains that religion is not only a spiritual and intellectual necessity but also a social and universal need. It is not to bewilder man but to guide him. It is not to debate him but to elevate his moral nature. It is not to deprive him of anything useful, or to burden him, or to oppress his qualities but to open for him inexhaustible treasures of sound thinking and right action. It is not confined him to narrow limits but to launch him into wide horizons of truth and goodness. In short, true religion is to acquaint man with God as well as with himself and the rest of the universe. This is by no means an oversimplification of the function of religion. Here is what it means.

When the purpose of true religion is carefully examined, it will be found that religion satisfies the spiritual and moderate material needs of man. It unties his psychological knots and complexes, sublimates his instincts and aspirations, and disciplines his desires and the whole course of life. It improves his knowledge of God – the Highest Truth in the universe, and of his own self. It teaches him about the secrets of life and the nature of man and how to treat them, about good and evil, about right and wrong. It purifies the soul from evil, clears the mind from doubts, strengthens the character and corrects the thinking and convictions of man. All this can be achieved only when man faithfully observes the spiritual duties and physical regulations introduced by religion.

On the other hand, true religion educates a man and trains him in hope and patience, in truthfulness and honesty, in love for the right and good, in courage and endurance, all of which are required for the mastery of the great art of living. Moreover, true religion ensures man against fears and spiritual losses and assures him of Gods aid and unbreakable alliance. It provides man with peace and security and makes his life meaningful.

That is what true religion can do for humanity, and that is the concept of religion in Islam. Any religion which fails to bear these fruits is not Islam or rather, is not a religion at all, and any man who fails to draw these benefits from religion is not religious or God-minded. God is absolutely true when He says in the Holy Quran: Verily the religion with God is Islam. Nor did the People of the Book dissent therefrom except through envy of each other, after knowledge had come to them. But if any deny the Signs of God, God is swift in calling to account (Quran, 3:19). And if anyone desires a religion other than Islam, never will it be accepted of him; and in the Hereafter, he will be in the ranks of those who have lost (all spiritual good) (Quran, 3:85).

The Concept of Sin

One of the major troublesome areas of human existence is the problem of sin or evil in the world. It is commonly believed that sin started with Adam and Eve during their life in the Garden of Eden. That event led to the Fall and has ever since branded the human race with guilt, stigma, and bewilderment. Islam has taken a unique position on the whole issue, a position which is not shared by any other religion we know. The Quran states that Adam and Eve were directed by God to reside in the Garden of Eden and enjoy its produce as they pleased, assured of bountiful supplies and comfort. But they were warned not to approach a particular tree so that they would not run into harm and injustice. Then Satan intrigued them to temptation and caused them to lose their joyful state. They were expelled from the Garden and brought down to earth to live, die, and taken out again at last for the Final Judgment. Having realized what they had done, they felt shame, guilt, and remorse. They prayed for Gods mercy and were forgiven (Quran, 2:35-38; 7:19-25; 20:117- 123).

This symbolic event is significantly revealing. It tells that the human being is imperfect and ever wanting even if he were to live in paradise. But committing a sin or making a mistake, as Adam and Eve did, does not necessarily deaden the human heart, prevent spiritual reform or stop moral growth. On the contrary, the human being has enough sensibility to recognize his sins and shortcomings. More importantly, he is capable of knowing where to turn and to whom he should turn for guidance. Much more important is the fact that God is ever prepared to respond to the sincere calls of those who seek His aid. He is so Gracious and Compassionate that His Forgiveness is Encompassing and His Mercy all – Inclusive (Quran, 7:156). One last revealing reading of the event is that discrimination on the basis of sex and hereditary guilt or sin is alien to the spirit of Islam. The idea of Original Sin or hereditary criminality has no room in the teachings of Islam. Man, according to the Quran (30:30) and to the Prophet, is born in the natural state of purity or fitrah, that is, Islam or submission to the will and law of God. Whatever becomes of man after birth is the result of external influence and intruding factors. To put the matter in terms of modern thought, human nature is malleable; it is the socialization process, particularly the home environment that is crucial. It plays a decisive role in the formation of human personality and the development of moral character. This does not deny the individual the freedom of choice or exempt him from responsibility. Rather, it is a relief from that heavy burden of hereditary criminality or instinctual sin. God, by definition, is Just, Wise, Merciful, Compassionate, and Perfect. He has created man by breathing into him of His own Spirit (Quran, 15:29; 32:9; 66:12). 

Since God is the absolute infinite good and His Spirit the absolute perfect one; since man, through creation, received of the Spirit of God, then man was bound to retain at least some portion of this good Spirit of the Creator. This may account for the good dispositions of man and his spiritual longings. But, on the other hand, God created man to worship Him, not to be His equal, rival, the perfect incarnation or absolute embodiment of His goodness. This means that no matter how much good and perfect man may be, by the grace of creation, he is still far short of the goodness and perfection of the Creator. Man is not without such qualities, to be sure. But they are limited and proportionate to man’s finite nature, capacity, and responsibility. This may explain the imperfection and fallibility of man. However, imperfection and fallibility are not the equivalents of sin or synonymous with criminality – at least not in Islam. If a man is imperfect he is not left helpless or deserted by God to fall victim to his shortcomings. He is empowered by revelations, supported by reason, fortified by the freedom of choice, and guided by various social and psychological dispositions to seek and achieve relative perfection. The constant gravitation between the forces of good and evil is the struggle of life. It gives the man something to look forward to, ideals to seek, work to do, and roles to play. It makes his life interesting and meaningful, not monotonous and stagnant. On the other hand, it pleases God to see His servants in a state of spiritual and moral victory.

According to the moral scale of Islam, it is not a sin that man is imperfect or fallible. This is part of his nature as a finite limited creature. But it is a sin if he has the ways and means of relative perfection and chooses not to seek it. A sin is any act, thought, or will that is deliberate, defies the unequivocal law of God, violates the right of God or the right of man, is harmful to the soul or body, is committed repeatedly, and is normally avoidable. These are the components of sin which are not innate or hereditary. It is true, however, that man has the potential capacity of sin latent in him; but this is not greater than his capacity of piety and goodness. If he chooses to actualize the potential of sin instead of the potential of goodness, he will be adding a new external element to his pure nature. For this added external element man alone is responsible. In Islam, there are major and minor sins as there are sins against God and sins against both God and man. All sins against God, except one, are forgivable if the sinner sincerely seeks forgiveness.

The Quran has stated that truly God does not forgive the sin of shirk (polytheism, pantheism, trinity, etc.). But He forgives sins other than this and pardons whom He wills. Yet if the polytheist or atheist comes back to God, his sin will be forgiven. Sins against men are forgivable only if the offended pardon the offender or if the proper compensations and/or punishments are applied. In conclusion, sin is acquired not inborn, emergent not built-in, avoidable not inevitable. It is a deliberate conscious violation of the unequivocal law of God. If man does something that is truly caused by natural instincts or absolutely irresistible drives and uncontrollable urges, then such an act is not a sin in Islam. Otherwise, Gods purpose will be pointless and mans responsibility will be in vain. God demands of man what lies within the human possibilities and reaches.