#*insert literally everything with cas*

[angelsdean]

Reading the script from 13x02 and it opens with Dean, Sam, and Jack in the Impala driving through the night and eventually stopping at a motel where Donatello catches up to them and reveals that yesterday he was "knocked off [his] feet by this weird wave of power" which was Jack's birth. We know Jack was born at night/early morning, and it's night/early morning again, which means it's literally been a mere 24 hrs at most since Cas died, and the drive that this episode opens with, yeah they're literally just leaving from burning Cas's body. Dean not being immediately warm and fuzzy toward Jack is so understandable, especially since they literally do not know anything about him, other than he's an incredibly powerful supernatural being that they spent all last season trying to stop from existing because of the potential threat his existence could cause on the world.

And the way s12 ends, Jack was positioned to be the next Big Bad from that cliffhanger.

(12x23 script)

Dean also believes Jack brainwashed Cas to get him on-side. He has no reason to trust Jack. And Sam is only really thinking about what Jack can do for him, aka get Mary back. So Sam immediately starts playing nice to get Jack on-side and willing to work with them. Sam also inserts himself into the situation, trying to force Dean and Jack to bond, and this happens again in 13x04 and both Dean and Jack express that they need time.

Dean might be harsh toward Jack and not have a Nice Tone when speaking to him in these early episodes, but he's being brutally honest about his feelings, instead of lying and pretending like Sam. Which Jack values Dean's honesty and is hurt by Sam's dishonesty when it comes to light.

The scripts also make a point to highlight how Jack is not a kid, he's in his twenties. And uses words like "demi-god" in later episodes to distinguish his status as an ultra-powerful supernatural being. Jack is naive and new to the world, sure, but he's not helpless and certainly not powerless. If we want to talk power imbalances than the true imbalance is not Mean Adult Dean not instantly loving Poor Baby Jack and it's not Mean Adult Dean shooting a gun at Literal Newborn Jack. This is a supernatural fantasy show, not a family drama. The genre is important. The true power imbalance here is mortal human man with zero powers vs supernatural being with immense powers. And moreso, a supernatural being with uncontrollable immense powers. They don't know what he could do! They have no way of stopping him if he decides to "go darkside" and just end the world! That's scary. And Sam even explains this to Jack, saying that Dean is scared of what Jack could do and it's their job to protect people, and that they may have to protect others "from you" (Jack). This scene is also another moment where Sam tries to convince Jack that he just needs to work on his powers and train to control them (and also so Sam can use Jack to get Mary back, his top priority).

Anyway, point is, Dean isn't wrong to be skeptical of Jack and on guard and keep him at a distance in those early days, and that's not even accounting for all the grief. It's literally been less than a day since Cas died and they lost Mary (and Crowley). He just burned Cas's body. So him talking about dealing with "the problem" and not immediately adopting Jack into the fold is a pretty normal response, given the context of everything.

I think often people also take the "widowers arc" John parallels too seriously. It's an interesting parallel but it's far from being a 1:1, the context are completely different. Yes, Dean just lost his love. Yes, Dean is now left with a "kid" in the wake of Cas's death. But Dean never claimed Jack as his own. Jack saying Cas is his "father" could be another manipulation tactic to ensure his survival for all Dean knows. Cas isn't there anymore to vouch for Jack, and even when he was there Dean was rightfully skeptical about Cas's sudden change of heart. A change of heart that suddenly had Cas believing in the possibility of "paradise" and "peace on earth" and fulfilling "destiny", all things that go against the core beliefs of Team Free Will who have been fighting for Freedom over Peace. So Dean has no connection to Jack and he doesn't trust Jack's alleged connection to Cas at this moment. He doesn't know Cas will come back. Cas's death felt permanent to Dean. He saw Cas's grace go out, saw his wings burn. He burned Cas's body. He prayed to Chuck and got no answer. There's no coming back in Dean's mind and he's dealing with all that intense grief while also having to contend with the potential threat of this supernatural being that has come into their lives and is literally a stranger to him.

Also Dean's "anger" and harshness, like I've said, is in part because he doesn't trust Jack and is putting up walls because he doesn't want to trust him and then get burned. Dean's always putting his heart into things, he always ends up caring, he can't help it. So in this case he's guarding his heart, he's leaning into his skepticism and suspicions. He's staying on the defensive. But also, anger is a normal and natural step in the grieving process. Yeah, Dean's immense grief over losing Cas, Mary, and even Crowley is not pretty. It's real though. And it's not an over-reaction. I think Dean is reacting the appropriate amount considering all they've lost. Sam under-reacting and dissociating and clinging to the hope of getting Mary back isn't the "baseline normal" emotional reaction. Sam is not coping well either. He's not coping at all, actually, and is instead refusing to really acknowledge these losses.

Anyway, I find many comparisons to John re: widower's arc leaving me cold these days, because they often disregard how completely different the contexts of the two situations are, and instead try to force-fit Dean and Jack into a John and his kids mold. Dean isn't becoming "the angry man of the house." He's grieving and he's skeptical of a near-stranger's intentions. Another way in which Dean and John differ greatly in their responses to grief is: John becomes consumed by revenge and springs into action (just like Sam when he lost Jess) but Dean? Dean shuts down. Dean loses hope. Dean ends up killing himself and wishing to stay dead. (Also, I know not everyone agrees with this interpretation, but: see Dean's response post-15x18. Jensen describes Dean's death as Dean being "tired" and letting go (sounds a whole lot like suicide to me). Dean always loses hope when Cas dies).

As the audience, we have the gift of omniscience and we are also able to look into the future now that the show is done. We know Jack doesn't become the second coming of Lucifer, but Dean doesn't know any of that at the time. Dean, in-world, is dealing with the very real possibility that Jack could become their next antagonist and all his actions in the early days following Jack's introduction are informed by that lingering threat.

[monstermoviedean]

Omg ur so real for the whole “should jimmy novak be cas’ biggest/greatest regret”. i have a whole laundry list of things he could insert instead but if ur willing id love to know what you think should be up there as things he regrets most lmfao. (totally feel free 2 ignore this no matter what!!! obviously free country free website etc etc but also i promise im not trynna stir the pot im genuinely just curious as well as… drunk And therefore possibly entirely tone deaf... 2 b honest)

4 me it would be the whole purgatory thing and the leviathans getting loose as a result (as well as cas and dean getting stuck in purgatory) like. Lowkey. i don’t blame cas for Bobby dying i truly don’t hold that resentment in my heart but it’s an unavoidable fact that leviathan dick roman would never have killed Bobby if cas didn’t do what he did despite warnings from not just dean sam and bobby but also from Balthazar and the Fate girlie (i forget her specific name lol something with an A) and tbh there may be more characters who warned/cautioned/told him not do it (there also may not be other characters but yk gotta cover my bases)

also cas breaking the wall in Sam’s mind was because of the whole busting open purgatory situation so that’s a 3rd consequence of that decision. andddd also cas’ whole staunch refusal to deal with the consequences of HIS actions (episodes Reading Is Fundamental - where he wakes up in the hospital - until essentially halfway through the finale) by saying he doesn’t fight anymore etc etc just avoiding everything Negative even though all the Negative things he’s avoiding are literally his responsibility (and Crowley’s , to be fair, but Crowley is also the literally king of hell we expect this behavior and disregard for humanity from him so I don’t rlly think it can be held against him. It’s essential to his characterization).

Anyways like I said feel free to ignore this I just saw ur post/tags and it made LOL

oh my gosh THANK YOU! no i'm so happy to talk about this and so happy you sent this.

you hit some big ones for me! and i want to be clear that i don't want to assign feelings to cas. i am not saying "cas should feel bad" or "cas not feeling 'bad enough' indicates he himself is bad." i am saying, if i were cas, there are things i would regret as much or more than the novaks. and while i think some of these are things cas regrets in canon, others are not. i am also totally okay with the "bad writing" excuse to explain why the novaks are stated to be a bigger regret than any of these things, given it's somewhat of a throwaway line in a buckleming episode.

anyway, in no particular order:

breaking sam's wall. 100%. here is an excellent recent post from @scoobydoodean regarding how that decision was cruel, and intentionally so. you could say that cas "redeemed himself" by taking on sam's hell trauma, but 1) that's not the same as regret and 2) that doesn't undo the suffering sam (and dean and bobby to a lesser extent) endured as a result of cas' decision.

the leviathans getting out. that's a lot of carnage and i don't think it's unfair to say this is cas' fault. unintended, for sure, but a consequence of his actions. (i don't blame cas for bobby's death either but i get what you're saying)

everything you said about refusing to deal with the consequences of his actions. YES. i don't have additional examples atm but i think there are others.

the fact that by season 13 there are only a dozen or so angels left. that's not 100% on cas. heaven lost angels in seasons 4 and 5, and angels fought for and against cas in the war against raphael in season 6. but he also killed angels for not bending the knee to him. he killed angels like balthazar for questioning him. angels were lost rescuing him from purgatory. angels were lost in the fall, which was sealed with his grace (though not his intent). and more angels fought for him in season 9. he does have some angel blood on his hands (though certainly not all of it!).

i'm still mad about him torturing aaron birch.

also maybe not something he should regret, but i think it would be nice if he apologized to dean for abandoning and running from him in purgatory. i'm also iffy on whether to include lucifer - cas does bear a lot of responsibility for everything that happens with lucifer after cas says yes to him, but i also know that cas suffers greatly because of that decision. i am not suggesting cas needs to "do penance" but i think cas thinks he does, and being possessed by lucifer would feel like penance enough for letting him out.

[captainsjack]

7, 9, 14, 17, 23, 29 for the fic author ask game :)

7: coffee or tea while you write?

idk kind of just depends on my mood and how tired i am! sometimes i don't even have a beverage :0

9: how did you get into writing fanfiction?

ummmmm my friends and i all wrote supernatural self insert fics for each other during recess one day in 7th grade💀 . literally in a paper notebook i wrote like 10 pages for my friend/cas lmaoooo. then i also wrote a deancas fic for a project in my 8th grade english class ....

14: what makes you happiest? new fic comments, kudos, bookmarks, user subscribers, story subscribers, or tumblr asks?

probably tumblr asks since it's the most conversational! comments are a close second

17: what is something you recently felt proud of in your writing?

i haven't really written anything in a while other than half finished outlines lol but i think dialogue and conveying emotions have always come very easily to me & i've been proud of those in the past. it's also always the easiest part to start with when outlining because it comes naturally! also, one specific moment i am very proud of: when i first started being plagued by benji/brandt visions a few months ago, i was coming up with all these ideas and outlining like 20 wips at a time, and when i got to the point where i really wanted to start choosing one to write, i got concerned that my characterization may be off for brandt since i hadn't watched gp or rn in years and was doing it all based on my memory of him. so i rewatched both films and i can say with absolute certainty i was 100% correct about him 😌 the amount of satisfaction that brought me i fear is unattainable again lol

23: what’s a story you’d love to write but haven’t even started yet?

the only idea i have that doesn't currently have an associated google doc (which i'm taking as 'haven't started' since all my other ones have at least a one sentence summary) IS actually one of my favorites. it's "brandt is in love with benji, freaks out, and decides to fuck his boss about it." so, hunley/brandt fwb x benji/brandt mutual pining friends to lovers slow burn.... it's insanely good and i've written almost the entire thing in my head.

it goes like this: benji and brandt are both dealing with the trauma of benji almost dying in rn. they're best friends (borderline codependent) and brandt sleeps over almost every night to help benji with nightmares. one night he accidentally falls asleep and wakes up spooning benji, his hand shoved up benji's shirt. brandt freaks out and leaves (benji is completely unphased). he decides he absolutely cannot be in love with benji and needs to do something to get his mind off of him and create some distance between them. so, he fucks his boss. brandt and hunley have a secret fwb thing, benji finds out (bc he notices everything abt brandt, duh) and confronts brandt about it. he promises not to say anything, life moves on as normal. over a few months, brandt continues to fuck hunley and it's the best sex of his entire life, and you know what, fuck it, he deserves to have a midlife crisis at some point, might as well be now. and hey, he's actually kind of happy! that is, until hunley dumps him. he picks up on the fact that brandt's in love with benji and thinks maybeeee this isn't the healthiest of distractions? so then brandt has to deal with the fact that 1) he's still desperately in love with benji, 2) his boss fucking dumped him and he still has to go to work every day, and 3) he can't talk to anyone about any of this, because the only person who knows about them is benji, and he can't fucking tell him why hunley dumped him and why it even started in the first place! so yeah. he's miserable. then there's the added angst of brandt not spending as much time with benji bc he's busy getting his ass fucked by hunley which means benji's ptsd is getting worse and he doesn't really have any support/help. and then brandt finds out about this and feels horrible that he hasn't been there for him. idk. i don't have an ending beyond brandt feels insanely guilting and decides to come clean to benji and just suck it up tell him what was going on or something. the end. (god this is making me want to write this so baddd)

29: how many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

uhhhh idk?? i think it just depends. three of my ten posted works were uni assignments lol so a lot more editing went into those than others since i turned them in for class before posting to ao3. the others were drabbles/ficlets/tumblr prompts so probably very little. then like two of them i wrote and edited a few times before having someone else beta it? so my guess is a handful but i'm not sure!

-

author ask game!

[prettyflyshyguy]

Ok place your bets how angry am I going to get at spn for their handling of S4 Sam because Dean's right.

"So far all you've told me about is a manipulative bitch who uh, screwed you, played mind games with you and did everything in the book to get you to go bad."

Yeah babey I'm tired, it's my day off, and I've braved myself up to tackle the tumultuous S4 because it's giving mixed feelings!!!!

You know the drill. Unhinged thoughts, commentary and screaming under the cut. I've been in full media analysis mode for the last week so it might get a little academic too, who knows.

A warning - I'm not enjoying the Heaven x Hell sub plot. I know, I'm sorry (not really.) I will persist as long as I can but you can't rip seasons 1-3 out of my cold dead hands because I'm clinging to them too strongly. They just hit the spot near perfectly. World's biggest fandom member disappointment, and proud, over here.

Anyway commentary bellow!

S4E9/10 - I Know What You Did Last Summer & Heaven and Hell

Ok so, this is a real topic, and I'm going to tread lightly here, but I appreciate the sinister undertones of Ruby coming onto Sam and him actively pushing back - he's vulnerable, abusing a substance, and she's actively taking advantage of that and doesn't stop after he makes it clear he's uncomfortable the first time. A boundary is broken and pushed through. Very icky. I have seen spoilers for Ruby's character (unfortunately!) and like, have to say, she got me. But I think I'd start to really clue in with this episode that something is deeply not ok - based on that one scene alone.

I am however, deeply worried, that the emotional manipulation is not going to be handled with the consideration it needs (especially with regards to a woman coming onto a man and being too pushy) and it'll be played off lightly. I guess we'll find out. But I'm getting defensive already. Appreciate that Dean clocks it immediately however.

On a lighter note - go psychic boy go

Anytime Dean makes this face I go mental. He looks like a concerned version of the Eyes emoji. Top 10 expressions I have too much fun trying to replicate in art. Buddy being dead for 6 months must've sucked you've missed so much Oh No.

Supremely embarrassed that it ONLY JUST CLICKED that they're doing a whole Sam's with the Demons, Dean's with the Angels thing.

I'll focus in on the most specific shit and then something so blunt will fly over my big idiot head. Amazing.

Ironic of course, and clearly intentional that its cause Sam was always appointed the 'better one' but that's only cause Dean purposefully inserted himself as the moral-fall character as a way to try and protect Sam. Obsessed with that concept, not so much with the heaven v hell stuff.

REGARDLESS, two angels rocking up and Ruby's immediate response being to turn on the demon eyes makes me wonder - is this intentional - did she choose to do this, was an otherworldly force compelling her to do it?

No I'm not just asking these cause I'm cooking up ideas for Sam to get more demonic nooooooo what're you talking about noooooooo

Hilarious that Cas and his mate rock up like "Hello we are literal fucking angels, we want this human woman please we're going to kill her now, please hand her over"

like they can't just yoink her regardless.

And this is starting to stray into "Why Shy really isn't enjoying the heaven-hell stuff in spn" - which I should save for an entirely separate post, but most of it boils down to the stakes don't feel serious anymore, the comparative power levels of character's feels unbalanced, it takes away ANY weight to Sam's personal faith as a character trait, and--

I'm sorry I just cannot get behind any of it. Really dislike it. Unfortunate. Oh well. Sozzles.

Heaven and Hell was a real hard episode for me to watch for a number of reasons and overall, I deeply disliked it, but the ending scene of Dean breaking down was extremely well done so huge props for that. Fantastic writing and acting all through. Much to consider!!

S4E11 - Family remains

The summary for this one looks. Fun.

"And what am I running from?"

"What you told me. Or are we pretending that never happened?"

OUGH. OUGH. AUGH. OOMF. ACK. AUGH.

I appreciate that unlike every ghost hunter I've watched on youtube, this show recognises that EMF readers cannot be completely trusted. 10/10 thank you supernatural. One small little line about the needle being wacky, and Dean noting that there's power lines right next to the house. Love it.

Nice.

I can sense I'm going to enjoy this episode.

I LOVE A GOOD GHOST-HUNTING EPISODE!!

Also love that this episode forcibly made the boys reconcile with the confliction of killing humans vs killing creatures, but the humans were in a way like the creatures (monsters), the same way the monsters can be like humans.

Anyway, tonal whiplash, yet again with this show:

S4E12 - Chris Angel Is a Douche Bag

The Winchesters need worksafe inspector fake ID because It'd be perfect for this episode specifically

I LOVE the three older magician characters. These guys are great.

WHAT

Anyway this is a good bit. This is a really good bit.

Yeah Sammy what kind of kool aid are you drinking?????

That was.... A weird one but a fun one.

Anyway I'm really starting to feel like I want to cherry pick eps but I'm going to hold off. Till I hit S5 at least.

Like I rabidly consumed seasons 1-3 like a starving animal and now I'm reluctant to watch episodes cause I know there's good shit in here, and each episode has some important development moments for characters, or relevant plot that I want to know about so I don't feel like I can start picking and choosing episodes based on descriptions yet. But damn. Lot more misses than hits for me this season. Seriously considering buying a dvds of just S1-3 cause GODDAMN. Loved almost everything about the first three.

[queenhellwitch]

I'm so sick of writing this essay every day.

It WAS out of character, but it was written, so you have to find Sam's truth in it, as Jared once said. Everyone goes straight to, "well, Dean was ANGRY that Sam didn't look for him, so Sam was WRONG TO CHOOSE TO DO THAT." Do we honestly think that Sam stood there in that lab, wide-eyed and hyperventilating in front of Crowley and his taunting, thinking "Well damn, Dean's gone, I'm going to CHOOSE not to look for him." Not being facetious, because he might've done (it is, after all, the rational choice considering all the harm to creation they've caused as a team (and that's also kind of the truth Sam offers to Dean, when he later tries and fails to explain it to him).

So *was* it a conscious plan to offhandedly abandon his brother? I think not. Because we're shown throughout the seasons that Sam is usually such an analytical, practical person, and insanely single-minded and vengeful when it comes to saving Dean - even in the direst of straits, Sammy keeps his head; hits the lore, solves the problem. In character, he would've found out he was in Purgatory, he would've summoned Death and begged him for another random eclipse (another of which, by the way, had already been outright refused).

So why does nobody ever offer Sam grace and consider *why was he out of character?* It's because he was reeling. He'd lost everyone he'd ever loved, he was still absolutely swamped by guilt, head swimming with Hell trauma that had nearly killed him. He was running on fumes already at the end of season 7. He had no Bunker at that point, no comfort, no Bobby anymore. The angels were d1cks. No demons would make a deal. All he had left, and all he could do, was go back to the car. "I fixed up the Impala, and I drove." The scenes where he hit the dog, he was absolutely frantic. Reminded again how much pain and destruction he causes. Amelia was a lifeline, an (unhappy imo) accident - she just happened. He wasn't chasing happiness, or a normal life at that point. Just running.

So thoughts of Dean, the Life, Kevin, everything unfinished would come back and poke at his brain... At that point, do you stay hiding, buried, living in a motel, clinging to someone who makes you a birthday cake, fixing sinks, not being traumatised, abandoned, hospitalised, killed? Or do you give yourself an shake and say "c'mon Sam, stand up and find your brother, have the audacity to insert yourself back into a world where your *very existence* killed him, made his life hell, made his death literal hell, killed your own mother, father, the love of your life, millions of others, caused apocalypse, destroyed Kevin's life, got *his* girlfriend killed...

He, of course, can't say all that to Dean. How can he?

"we promised we weren't going to look for each other" - it's easier - prove it was a rational choice. "I met a girl and decided not to hunt anymore" - ok, Dean will be angry, but Dean's anger is usual, normal, and easier to deal with than facing Dean's disappointment in Sam's unravelling.

I might be overanalysing and giving him too much credit. But he deserves it and this is a Sam-positive post. And if you watch the scene with Cas and Sam in the cartoon world in Hunteri Heroici, you can *see* it. His ranting at Fred about living in a dream world isn't about Fred. It's all about his own anger at himself, taking on board yet more guilt, because he can never do anything right. He's more than out of character. He's an absolute mess.

[udon-poodles]

"Because spn is like the oldest one there and wasn't retarded until like season 7 and wasn't reeeeaaally gay until like season 8"

It was literally never gay and it was always garbage

Once Cas showed up, it became a little homo-erotic, delectably so. Seasons 1-5 were preeeeeeeetty choice 👌

Honestly, the only enjoyable part of seasons 6-whatever was when the Donald Trump insert got possessed by Lucifer and impregnated a staffer with that nephilim.

Like, when Sam and Dean went to exorcize Lucifer (because you can suddenly do that with angels 🙄), saving Donald Trump in the process, it was some of the funniest shit I've ever seen.

They get arrested and taken to a CIA black site somewhere in Montana, or whatever, and escape because muh plot. And these two 40 year old alcoholics are just trapsing through to woods with seal-team 6 after them, and they somehow fend them off and escape 😭

Literal peak moment in the show for me. Almost makes everything post-season 5 worth it tbh. No one ever talks about it either, feels like I'm the only one who fucking watched it.

[via-l0ve]

Thank you so much for doing my request. I loved it. Could please write abt the Spn boy when they like the reader but reader is dating someone else who they are very happy with. I'm in the mood for angst.

I Love You, So (Please, let me go) {SPN pref!} ❤️‍🩹

a/n: i love angst. unrequited love is so great but i hate it but i love it lolol. hope you enjoy babes!! (title is a song lyric from ‘I Love You So’ by The Walters!) (also i didn’t include crowley bc all i could think about was him killing the s/o LMFAOOO so i decided to not)

warnings: angst, overall sadness lol, drinking/alcohol

Dean:

i think it would be hard for him to accept and grasp

he’d try and distract himself with one night stands with other women, knowing he’d leave them in the morning or in the dead of night

every time he’d see your s/o and you he’d die a little inside

he really thinks he could treat you so much better

he’d flirt with you but you’d shrug it off as just playful interaction and it would be really sad for him to see

but he dosent want to ruin your relationship

if anyone knows how hard the hunter life can be - it’s dean

he’d give anything to have a ‘normal’ life

it just sucks that he can’t have it with you </3

Sam:

sam tries to be unbothered

he gets jealous though

he sees your partner touch you so innocently and his blood boils

but he tries to keep his cool

for your sake

if your partner ever made you upset he would get so protective

always taking your side fr

even if it’s over something dumb or even if you’re CLEARLY in the wrong

sammy will side with you

it really does break his heart though

i think deep down he’d think it’s a good thing bc he’s definitely got some deep rooted trauma from all of his past lovers dying so gruesome

so even though he’s literally heartbroken he’ll deal with it bc he sees that you’re happy

but he daydreams about you and what it would be like to grow old together </3

Castiel:

i don’t think cas would totally get it

but i think he’d understand that he couldn’t make any moves on you

he’d be frustrated

it’s not only bad that he’s feeling this way for a human, let alone a human who can’t even feel the same way about him :(

he wishes he could’ve met you before your partner

you’ll catch him staring at you

he talks about you

too much for it to be normal

just simple things

“did you know how much y/n likes *insert thing*?”

“i watched this television clip and it reminded me of y/n.”

everything reminds him of you

he just wants to be close to you and as important to you as you are to him :(

[swordofsun]

Okay, @wigglebox wanted me to post this over here and they would follow up with their bonkers dutch angles stuff.

This is a "what the fuck is Dean doing in The Winchesters" theory. It takes Chuck Won as a given and is based on how insanely meta s15 was on top of the show being meta a fuck + the SPNWIN preview and the couple of scenes of tv static + Cas literally being narrative breaking + general vibes.

At some point after the end of 15x18 and the beginning of 15x20 Dean literally stepped out of the narrative. What we're seeing is Chuck's POV. This is the ending he wanted, the ending we never really got to see but that Becky hated so damn much. (Becky the audience insert that is given an absolutely lovely life to show how much the show cares for it's audience.) The Dean we see is a Chuck puppet or illusion of some sort.

Chuck may not have realized Dean stepped out of the narrative.

The real Dean, The True Dean, is off to the side. Just out of sight of the camera, watching it all go down. He can't effect anything because Sam and other Dean (if there even is an Other Dean) just go through the motions. Even more disturbing if it's like in Heaven when someone steps out of the memory and everyone else just continues on like they're there. There's no pie, no one on the piece of rebar, just Sam reacting as if there was. No one driving the Impala, just Chuck controlling everything.

Cas was literally narrative breaking. He didn't do what Chuck wanted and, through the power of love (an actual thing in SPN), Dean is able to make that step too. Just off camera where we can't see him watching.

So the Dean that we see in the SPNWIN preview is searching for the point where the narrative started. He's going back over his parent's story to figure out just when Chuck started actively taking an meddling role. With the end result a Cas rescue from the Empty and actually defeating Chuck.

(And possible AU where we get to see Mary and John without heaven's influence?)

[i-make-fun-of-spn-characters]

I feel like Jack as a character is largely interesting/good, but the way people react to him makes me deeply uncomfortable. Like i guess you could forgive a teenager you never actually agreed to be in charge of for accidentally killing your mom, but i don’t think that should be a societal expectation. Like that’s Dean’s MOM, i don’t think Jack deserves to die obviously but why should Dean HAVE to forgive him? And the common defense that Jack is a literal baby (so he can’t be held responsible for his actions) is so weird bc… no he isn’t??? He literally isn’t a baby. And I’m okay with Dean forgiving him too, but it’s so weird that people act like it’s unreasonable to have any negative emotions about the person who killed your mom. And that’s not even getting into how many people blame Mary for her death when she did absolutely nothing wrong.

Yeah I agree with everything you said.

It is not fair to expect anyone to immediately forgive someone for killing their mom (or really expect that at all...). I would also add to this that the person Dean COULD not and WOULD not forgive...

was NOT Jack!!!!!!!

It was Soulless Jack, who cast the blame for what happened onto Mary and said it was "regrettable". So more disturbing for me than this tendency to treat Jack as a baby who isn't responsible for his actions... is this inability to see the distinction between the REAL Jack and Soulless Jack, when their differences are READILY apparent!! Jack—the real Jack—would NEVER have spoken to Sam and Dean about Mary's death the way Soulless Jack did. He would NEVER have hurt people because Dumah told him to—he would have thrown her into a wall in a fit of righteous rage and said "You're hurting people!" THAT is the REAL Jack!!! We see that we have the real Jack back when he comes back, and one of the first things he does is break down in tears and apologize genuinely for Mary. So when Dean can't forgive and he's full of rage in the aftermath of Mary's death... the person all that anger is directed at ISN'T Jack. It's a thing wearing Jack's face—devoid of the real Jack's strong moral compass and love for others which continuously counterbalanced his naivety and allowed him to parse when he was being manipulated and used by evil forces, tempered his anger, and made him who he was.

I do think part of what makes fans so angry with Dean is the lead up to this and how Dean and Jack interact in general since season 13... and some of that frustration is fair, but some of it also really... is not.

I've said before (in tags) on @dontfeedthestansaftermidnight that a lot of fandom interacts with Dean as a representation of love and belonging within the narrative instead of just as a human being. So it doesn't matter how [insert character] behaved toward him/what they did or how Dean's hurting or what's going on with him. He needs to be actively loving everyone all of the time—unconditionally—or he isn't doing his job. Only Dean's feelings need to be placed under a microscope and analyzed and judged because only his feelings (and how he displays them or doesn't) carry the weight of judgement and what it means to be loved and accepted.

Dean is kind of like... well—he's the doors and walls and windows of the Winchester family house, and he's the hearth, and almost everyone wants a piece of that warmth and that sense of belonging. This is especially apparent in the Carver era, but it ultimately prevails from the very beginning to the bitter end of the series—that Dean's love is kind of... different. It's tangible and transcendent, and it's wrought with some serious trauma that gives it sharp edges, but it's something truly special and even... coveted? What Cas said about Dean in that speech in 15x18 wasn't wrong at all—it was a testament to the power of Dean's love within the narrative.

So yeah—I think the reason we tend to see Dean judged for how he interacts with Jack isn't just because Dean is being a jerk sometimes, but also because of the power of his love specifically within the narrative, and what him specifically "rejecting" someone means to fans.

We all see Jack as a sweet kid, who deserves to be accepted, and Dean—the representation of love and belonging���really struggles to love him? Or at least in the way Jack (and Sam and Cas and most fans) would like—and that's... tough for people to accept. It makes them angry.

I think that Dean loves Jack and I think Dean believes that Jack is a good kid and I think that Dean believes that Jack deserves to be loved... but I also think there is something that makes it really difficult for Dean to give Jack the love everyone (including Dean!) would like Dean to to give Jack.

I personally think maybe Dean feels out of place in terms of how he's expected to love Jack (as a son) versus how he would prefer their relationship to look. Like—Dean taking Jack fishing when Jack is dying... to me it feels more like Dean giving Jack the thing he knows Jack really desires—the relationship he knows Jack really wants to have with Dean. I can't shake the feeling that for Dean, Jack brings up a lot of really traumatic things, and Dean knows that isn't Jack's fault (but that's hard to remember), but it also changes how Dean wants their relationship to be and the boundaries he wants to set. I think it's very significant that just one episode before Jack was born, Dean stood in Mary's dreams and told her that he had to be a mother and a father to his little brother and that that wasn't fair, and in the next episode, he loses Mary and Cas, and is saddled with someone else's child. Sam begins urging him to put aside his grief and accept a parenting role over Jack immediately. Dean's very first response to that is that he doesn't want to be Jack's mother. And I have to wonder... is that so unfair?

I think Dean has an obligation to treat Jack with decency and respect (and sometimes he fails to do this), but despite his place in the narrative and his transcendent love... Dean is actually just a guy—not the actual god of love... so while Dean's love and how it's viewed is really beautiful... it also isn't fair to Dean that these expectations of his feelings (which he can't fully control—only his actions can be controlled) are placed on him? And look—Jack isn't his son. He isn't obligated to be Jack's mother or his father and he isn't obligated to love him as a son. Dean wasn't the one who swore to love and protect Jack—that was Cas. Cas adopted him, and then immediately died, and... I don't even ship destiel, but not because I don't think there's something to it—there's some obvious implications here with what happened with Cas lying (again) to Dean and tricking (read: cheating) him right before all of this happened too—rejecting Dean's gift (the mixtape) and his request for them to work as a team in the process.

So Jack is like... well—he was literally designed by the writers to be a person that Dean would struggle to love. He represents pretty much every defining trauma of Dean's life. He represents Dean's parentification, the loss of his mother (twice), the abandonment of his father, the trauma of losing Cas over and over, Cas's secrets and betrayals, Sam and how he was unfairly and cruelly tainted from birth—slated for an evil purpose—and how Dean had to be the one to deal with that most closely (besides Sam himself). Jack also represents Dean—he is the child forced to grow up too fast, and that is also Dean (and this last one absolutely sets the groundwork for a lot of their interactions and similarities in terms of self-sacrifice and being weaponized).

Mary being blamed for her death is also gross and I don't feel any need to comment any further on that and all the problems in fandom that this relates to.

[dadstielkline]

honestly the way some people talk about castiel's love for dean makes it seem very codependent on castiel's part. 

literally cas can't have anything or do anything without people associating it with dean

"cas does [insert thing here] because it reminds him of dean]" "cas only knows how to [insert thing here] because dean taught him" "cas bought [insert item here] because it reminds him of dean" "cas likes [insert person here] because dean likes them"

having cas' only relationship be with dean and having him rely on dean for everything is kind of fucked up

like basing your entire life and personality on one single person isn't healthy???? this very much feels like romanticizing codependency which is something a lot of deancas shippers claim to hate about sam and dean, so it's odd that they do it with deancas

like it's not even canon in the show. cas often does things without dean's input. he's bought/stolen things without dean's say so (the continental, the truck, jack's bear and diapers, claire's grumpy cat,) he has forged relationships separate from dean, with meg, kelly, jack, claire, even some of his own siblings. 

cas has lived without dean for literal centuries. he doesn't need dean to hold his hand and teach him about the world. he's off on his own often. he doesn't need to be near dean 24/7. they each need their own space. 

cas has gone against dean's wishes several times when dean has acted like total jerk or been a complete dumbass.

he doesn't need to rely on dean for anything really. he chooses to be with him because he wants to. he doesn't actually need dean in his life. he can and has lived without him. like yes it would hurt him if something happened to dean but he can live without him. 

making their relationship unecessarily codependent is just weird. and honestly im kind of sick of people acting like castiel's world revolves around dean when there are other people castiel loves too. we know more about his relationship with the winchesters because it was the primary focus of the show. but he has other people in his life. dean is not the only one who is important. sam is just as important to cas. jack is just as important too, more so in fact, since he's actually left dean because of his behavior towards jack at one point.

the point is cas having his own things and other people in his life doesn't take away from deancas. it's healthy for cas to focus on things and people that aren't dean. 

[steveyockey]

do you think that -- if they WERE planning to do gay angel press initially -- part of the reason they didn't might have been the (reactionary) bury your gays backlash from fans and non-fans? in which case. twitter rly does ruin everything. :/

I’m not tied to this but here’s a hypothetical to work through that at least provides a theory on the lack of gay angel press (probably not very different from any other theory on this website but just writing it out for continuity),

okay. pre-pandemic. the arc of the final few episodes seems to have been set and 15.18 was the last piece, pending jensen’s approval. roadhouse heaven ending was a go — presumably featuring a cas cameo among other various and sundry friends. approving 15.18 introduces a problem by way of the fact that cas has just confessed his undying love for dean and there’s an expected response. but it’s fine! you don’t actually need that, you’ve been baiting fans for a decade, you can work your magic one more time with a lil wink and nudge and never have to deal with that again. ambiguous “to each his own” ending, you talk up the gay angel on one side and the bronly-ness of the last hunt on the other; everyone walks away happy. you have successfully threaded the needle of finishing off a twelve year queerbait without “caving to the fans,” high fives all around.

15.18 gets filmed. the angel is gay gay. the footage is. we don’t know what the footage looks like. there could be anything. maybe there’s a kiss with tongue. ends up not really mattering because the pandemic happens and they have to stop shooting and stop airing. no idea how much changes in 15.19 (clearly SOME stuff considering we know the folks who got chuck snapped in the silo were supposed to be shown back in the flesh and that got cut). 15.20 has to change — so roadhouse heaven becomes three person heaven (plus the cast and crew, who were already on set so no, this is not proof they could have brought a crowd of actors anyway, it’s just. weird. I don’t like this decision. strikes me as authoritative like WE told the story not YOU. anyway). putting cas in three person heaven makes winking and nudging a lot harder to do and would make the absence of an actual substantive response to the confession uhhhh very obvious. so you have to cut cas. and then maybe you have to cut other references to cas in 15.19, maybe you cut some emotionality from dean’s side in 15.18, maybe you straight up insert the moment in 15.20 where dean tells sam to stop being an eeyore about cas’s death! we don’t know how much was changed, but there was at least the opportunity at this point to dull dean’s response to the whole thing so the absence of cas in heaven is more palatable. it’s the bronly ending, but you already gave the audience the gay angel. and the gay angel is alive and building heaven with his son! no more cashing in on the queerbait but still cashing in on canon gay.

it’s november 5th. 15.18 airs. it trends higher than the biggest election “of our lives.” holy shit! gay angel! but of course the issue is the people responding aren’t the people who have been watching the show. they don’t have context for what’s going on and “turbohell” catches on. fuck. did you kill the gay angel? of course not, he’s in heaven with his son! lisa berry can post her goodbye instagram to her character because obviously billie’s dead, she’s the villain. she’s not expected to come back. but cas is... cas is different. and he’s not dead and you won’t be taking any questions on this until we get to the end, when everyone can settle down. so you have your actors gush about the episode, you leave everyone on pins and needles so they’ll come back for two more, and then! well. 15.20. cas is “alive” technically. dean is dead, as you always planned. some people are happy, some people are middling, and some people are fucking pissed at you because apparently by not outright killing off the gay angel you promised them the gay angel was coming back. any clarification you would offer here would unspool your entire plan — gay angel on one side, brothers on the other. erasing cas isn’t the same as killing him, but you can’t say that (though misha basically did in response to the rogue translator shenanigans). killing dean wasn’t even supposed to be about cas, but now everything is about cas. you took him out of the story completely and he’s still managed to take over. and all you can say is, well, it’s always been a story about brothers.

this obviously doesn’t account for everything, such as what the fuck was uriel’s actor doing? why the fuck did the show actually give us the instructions for how to get someone out of the empty and not do it? and there’s an infinite number of things that could have happened that I would simply never guess not knowing specific onset dynamics and money decisions. whatever happened that caused this clusterfuck really does suck for everyone in that writers room who was on team gay angel because, as I have said in the past, 15.18 only works due to at least four years, if not seven or more, of consciously writing the angel as gay. I hope bobo and yockey and even misha feel personal satisfaction at a job well done, but god if a single fucking interview could at least let us indulge in the victory with them. anyway, all of this is to say, yes I do think the bury-your-gays of it all definitely plays into it (and I would say, again, linking this to it chapter 2, it’s significant muschietti and co decided to make richie gay over eddie; people who haven’t read the book might not know that eddie like. literally drinks mineral water. in the 80s. he wears gucci loafers. he marries a carbon copy of his mother. stephen king would never admit to writing a gay man but that was a gay man. but eddie dies! eddie always dies. so they had some good sense in giving the gay story to the one who lives and leaving the dead one holding all the coding). and I definitely think randos on twitter making fun of the confession did not help matters. but I also think the decision to pull press cannot be extricated from the rubble of the last two episodes and everything they promised but never delivered. literally a single second of cas in the finale would have been their golden ticket! that’s far more than what jj did for star wars! but they got played at their own game by, of all things, an international pandemic. somehow a very supernatural ending after all.

[pinknatural]

From across the crowded room of the Roadhouse, Dean spots messy black hair, a flash of tan. His heart pounds, and he abruptly turns away from Jo, pushing into the crowd. He passes familiar faces--Rufus, Pamela, his father--but ignores them in favor of stretching onto his tip-toes, looking for a glimpse--there!

Heart in his throat, tentatively hopeful, Dean calls out “Cas?” as the crowd spits him before his best friend. He’d know those shoulders, that hair, those eyes, anywhere. Cas’s face scrunches, apologetic. 

“Dean,” he says, and his voice is wrong, ocatives too high, and Dean’s heart skips a beat. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Dean says. 

“I am not your friend,” the man says, in a twisted reversal of what Castiel had said to Claire Novak, years and years ago, and Jimmy Novak says, “I am not Castiel.”

Dean’s heart shatters, and he knows his paradise is lost. 

“This is garbage,” Becky says. She looks up from the manuscript in her hands. “Why would you do that to them?”

Chuck shrugs. He leans back farther on her couch, puts his feet up on her coffee table. He crosses his ankles and she tries to ignore the muddy converse sullying her furniture. She’d literally cleaned that yesterday, does he have no manners?

“They’re my characters,” he says. “I can do what I want with them.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to put Jimmy in Dean’s heaven,” Becky says, frowning. “That just seems cruel.”

“I am a cruel God,” Chuck says, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. “I’m bored of them, and they were rude to me, so this is what you get. Hey, at least Sam got a long and happy life, right? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“No,” Becky says. “Well, not like that.”

“Hey, I even let him marry your self-insert OC who you’ve been fanfic-ing about,” Chuck says. Becky looks back down at the papers in her hands. 

“Is that who that was?”

“Obviously,” Chuck says. 

It’s not obvious. Becky bites her lip and looks at The Road so Far, which is just a massive pile of papers on her desk. Chuck wrote it to “catch her up” on what’s happened in Supernatural since he stopped publishing the books. She doesn’t really like most of it, but--

“What about Eileen?”

“What about Eileen?”

“Shouldn’t Sam have married her, instead? They were kinda perfect for each other.” Becky has grown since she tried to love-potion him. A husband, two kids, and eight years later Becky likes to think she’s mature enough to admit when some girl would be good for Sam--a hundred thousand words of self-insert fic notwithstanding. 

“No, it’s better for Sam to get out of the life,” Chuck says. 

“But in Carry On it says that Dean Jr was a hunter,” Becky says. 

“Yeah, well, you can’t stay out of the life,” Chuck says. “Ooh, do you think Betty should burn on the ceiling? For old times sake?”

“No,” Becky says. She pauses. “Well...what about Jack? This stuff says he’s God.”

“Obviously not,” Chuck snorts. “Unreliable narrators. I dissolved his power into the trees or whatever. He’s not anywhere, now.”

“Right,” Becky says. “So you killed Cas and then his son? And locked Dean away in heaven without him, but with his face there, tormenting him?”

“Maybe you should finish reading the manuscript,” Chuck suggests. Becky is sure that whatever she’s about to read is going to make Carry On a million times worse, but she looks down anyway. 

Dean’s face twists in pain, and the Shadow smirks with smug satisfaction. Oh, delicious agony. 

It stands up, admiring its work. Finally, everyone within its depths is asleep. Now that its work is done, the Empty can finally rest. It dissolves, vanishing into itself, and it leaves Castiel and Dean Winchester behind, sleeping side-by-side, each tormented inside perfect nightmares. 

“WHAT?” Becky cries, standing up and throwing Carry On onto the ground. 

“Good, huh?” Chuck asks smugly, crossing his arms behind his head. 

“No!” Becky says. “Not good! What was that?”

“Dean can’t go to heaven,” Chuck says, rolling his eyes. “No souls that have been to hell can go there. And you remember what Billie said in The Road So Far. Next time Sam and Dean kicked the bucket, well. Empty time. So Dean and Cas are together. Everyone wins!”

“Nobody wins!” Becky cries. “You mean all that heaven stuff was a dream? Did any of that really happen?”

“Uh, no,” Chuck says. “Obviously. Dean is just dreaming it all. Sam’ll meet Betty in about a week. They’ll have a summer wedding next year. Dean Winchester Junior will be born by 2025.”

“Are you serious?” Becky asks. 

“Yeah,” Chuck says. “I’m God. Everything I say is true.”

“That can’t be right,” Becky says. “You’re really gonna end it like this?”

Chuck straightens, one eye flashing black, the other glowing white. Suddenly, he looks deadly serious, and the squirrelly, scruffy guy looks like something more. 

“Yes,” Chuck says. “I’m bored of this game. The Winchesters have been defeated. Sam and Dean will be miserable forever. Both of them thought they won, but they didn’t. I win.”

He stands and advances towards her. Becky backs away, wondering why her, of all people, why does she have to be the person God runs his rough drafts by?

“What are you going to do?” Becky asks, hoping to get him monologuing, and he smiles, a terrifying twist of his face. 

“Whatever I want,” he says, then he snaps his fingers, and everything goes black.

[ao3]

[hoss-bonaventure]

as more and more interviews and articles are coming out about the supernatural actors’ time on the show, i realize how little those writers cared about any character other than sam and dean. even contributing sam is pushing it. like mark shepard was like “oh yeah they just assumed i was leaving so i left” and a lot of women on that show have spoken up and said “all they wanted from me was to flirt with dean” and guess what happens to these women characters after they flirt with dean? they die. any character that HAD to stay on the show for continuity reasons/just because the fanbase would riot if they died was given the worst characterization as the seasons progressed. these writers did everything in their power to make the fans hate cas. they made him evil, they made him betray dean when he obviously wouldn’t have, they made him useless and incompetent—anything for the audience to go “cas sucks”. when this never happened they just made sam and dean bully the shit out of him as some sort of weird self-insert thing. don’t even get me started on the charlie bradbury death which was just a plot device used so dean and sam could fight (again)/them copping out of writing a somewhat ok lesbian romance. all this bullshit just makes me scream. i know sam and dean are the main characters, but as writers you HAVE to be aware that you cannot just stick with 2 characters for like 15 seasons. you need to give them characters to work off of, and not just for 3 seasons before killing them in the most brutal way imaginable. you can’t write women? hire women! you can’t write queer people? hire queer people! you can’t write a character who is any other race than white? hire a writer who is a poc! like any excuse they have cannot and will not work. and to be honest, for people so obsessed with the “sam and dean brothers forever” dynamic, they did a shit job writing them in the later seasons. they truly just forgot about giving sam plotlines like after season 9, and all of dean’s plotlines were about him hating himself and feeling suicidal without any real resolution. and to wrap up YEARS of dean feeling inadequate and lost and alone and not good enough, they reward him with death. a death that also can be interpreted as “oh shit we inadvertently made him gay! guess we gotta kill him.” i know there’s gonna be bitches saying that dean isn’t technically queer as he never reciprocated his love for cas, but think about it logically. his ONLY happy ending could be with cas. people want to say that dean only ever needed sam to be happy, but you can literally see that’s not true. after the events of despair you can see dean…give up. and in the final two episodes of season 15 he’s just not himself. these fucking writers knew that reuniting dean and cas would’ve been “too gay”, but they also knew they couldn’t just end the show with this gay love declaration swirling around dean’s head. so they kill him.

[kimchokejin]

Tag game - bts this or that

Tagged by @blueside-hobi thank you I've secretly always wanted to do one of these because I have OPINIONS. This isn't normal but I'm explaining my rationale for all of them because I need you to know why I chose what I chose

Idk how to insert a read more on mobile sorry

bubble tea with namjoon OR smoothies with jin

1. I love bubble tea

2. Maybe I'm drinking my tea and I accidentally suck up a boba and I start choking and then he tries to give me the heimlich and it's not like it's gonna work but I don't think I'm gonna die choking on a boba. But it's like one of those cute romcom moments where after you just kinda look at each other and get embarrassed but it builds the romantic tension? It's cute okay

3. If I choked on a piece of frozen fruit jin would just laugh at me

play among us with yoongi OR play minecraft with hoseok

1. Among us is fun

2. Yoongi would be a GREAT opponent

3. Idk how to play minecraft that would be a disaster

learn all the BTS dances OR learn all the BTS song lyrics

1. I'm not a good dancer

2. I like to sing and attempt to rap and if I don't learn the lyrics to bts songs I'm still gonna try and sing along except its more like I just make sounds with the right melody and rhythm and some of the right vowels and that's just not great for anyone

3. There are more opportunities to sing along to bts songs than there are to dance along to bts songs. And you need a group of people to learn the dance with you or else you're gonna look stupid

hang out with bts backstage after a show OR have BTS perform a private gig for you and your friends

1. Both of these sound horrible tbh but if bts were performing a private gig for me and my friends (a VERY small group of people) that would be the most uncomfortable experience ever. They would just be looking at me and I would be looking at them and they would be singing. That's just so weird

2. Maybe I would get free drinks backstage and I can just sit with yoongi in the corner on my phone

meet taehyung dressed as a cucumber OR meet jungkook with food spilled down your shirt

1. Who's the cucumber? Is it me or taehyung? I love the english language

2. Either way it's just funny

3. I don't want food on my shirt! That's my shirt!

hang out with BTS or have BTS want to hang out with you

1. What if I'm hanging out with bts and they don't want to hang out with me? I would peel my skin off

2. I like to appear cool and unattainable 😎

cuddle with hoseok OR work out with jungkook

1. I'm nervous

2. I literally...I had a phase where I was like, I want to build up my upper body strength because I wanna be able to pick people up like it was nothing. And I started doing pushups to daechwita every day. It didn't last but I do still want to do that so who better to learn from???

cook with jin OR cook with yoongi

1. Jin can't eat garlic. Who wants to eat food without garlic

2. Jin would probably get so impatient with me I am so slow when I cook

3. Yoongi would be really patient and if he got impatient he would take over but not give me the "do I have to do everything around this house" spiel and I wouldn't actually have to cook that much which is probably for the best

get singing lessons from vocal line OR get rapping lessons from rap line

1. I have vocal lesson trauma

2. I wanna learn how to rap so bad!!!

visit paris with taehyung OR visit greece with namjoon

1. I've been to athens before and the vibes were immaculate

2. It's warmer there and I'm a chilly little baby

3. Namjoon would want to go to all the museums

have jimin's fashion style or have jungkook's fashion style

Why can't I do both 😭

spill a drink on namjoon OR spill a drink on jimin

1. He's either gonna have a wet t shirt or he's gonna have to take off his shirt. Its a win win

2. They're both gonna spill drinks on themselves anyway so I don't feel bad

look after min holly OR look after kim yeontan

1. I've heard yeontan has some health problems and I just don't trust myself to be able to take care of him properly

2. If I take good care of yoongi's favorite dog maybe I'll be his favorite girl 😏

Tell BTS your most embarrassing confession (about them) OR tell Jimin he’s short

1. I don't even know which embarrassing confession to CHOOSE

2. Jimin knows he's short it's fine

go to the amusement park with hoseok OR go to the movie theatre with jungkook

1. We would both be babies about the scary rides together

2. He would probably buy me a souvenir

3. I don't like amusement parks tbh but I wanna hang out with hobi 😊

accidentally wake up yoongi OR mess up a dance move in front of hoseok

1. I have no idea what yoongi would do if he was woken up suddenly. I fear for my life

2. If I mess up a dance move in front of hobi he would probably give me a disappointed look and that's kinda hot

squish jimin's mochi cheeks OR touch jin's WWH face OR poke namjoon's dimples

1. Why would you say that

2. Poking is just a little bit annoying. Squishing is VERY annoying. Touching is just mortifying

3. I would sing dimple in my head while I was doing it. I love that song

I'm embarrassed to tag anyone but if you see this and wanna do it say I tagged you!!! These games are so funny to me I would love to see your choices

[anything-but-predictable]

For the past few months my level of anxiety had been sky rocketing high.

Received the result of my cervical biopsy today which thank God came back negative for CA. Apparently, abnormal cell growth was detected during my cervical screening on November last year and my GP referred me to a Gyne specialist for further review and got diagnosed with CIN 3 or high Grade 0 cervical dysplasia which if left untreated can eventually lead to cancer.

Fuck me, I was overwhelmed with fear right at that moment when I was told by my Gyne specialist. God knows how much I am praying na sana even at my late 30s I could still conceive. Right there and then, on my own, I was told that I have to undergo LLETZ (large loop electrical excision) procedure where a large loop wire has to be inserted in the cervix to remove the abnormal cells and I’m not kidding when I tell you that it was bloody painful despite of 4 shots of regional anesthesia. I fainted and literally felt my heart pounding. But if I won’t be able to tolerate the procedure then I will be booked for OR table which I really don’t want as it would make me feel that it’s officially major. I remember biting my lips so hard during the whole procedure. I told the Dr that I wanna do it right away coz there’s no point on delaying if it needs to be done anyway and I just want to get over it. So it was done and the excised specimen was sent to lab for biopsy, which took painstakingly looong.

Three things na iniisip isip ko after that. First, my main concern is kung papaano ko sasabihin sa parents and sister ko if say I have cancer, I feel like I could easily process and accept it than them. It will break their hearts and that I’m not really sure if I can handle. We have lost one of our sister when I was a teenager and I don’t even want to relive what we went through after we lost her. My parent’s just don’t deserve to go through that pain and agony again in their life.

Second is, I feel bad for myself coz I am praying so hard na sana I would still be capable of conceiving in the future, honestly I don’t know when. I try to remind myself na di pwedeng just because I’m kind of desperate to have a baby is kung sino sino na lang. My children cannot choose their father but I can, not that Im saying Im perfect but hell no Im not nor nowhere near that but, I know what I deserve and as well as for my future children. I want to experience motherhood and seeing my children grow up and be a hands-on mum.

Third and last is Im grateful that Im insured, and that healthcare in the UK is free. Like literally you go in the hospital penniless but no worries at all dahil ni pence wala kang babayaran maski chemo, radiation or whatever therapies or even surgery that you have to undergo. How I wish na ganito din tayo sa Pinas. ☹️ Also, Grabe pala yung feeling pag insured ka, I didn’t realize how important it is not until I was almost get diagnose with Cancer. I mean if anything happens, the least among all the worries my family have to think about is money because I’m covered. It’s literally a security blanket considering that I am the 🥖 winner in the family.

I cant help not to overthink during that time. Ikaw ba naman kaya ang nearly diagnose to have CA. Inisip ko na ayoko magalit kay Lord because, as cliché as it sounds, I believed that everything happens for a reason, whatever it may be, hindi man natin maintindihan right at that moment, but eventually along the way, life unfolds itself. And I always tell sa lahat ng prayers ko na kahit ano pa man yun will ni Lord no matter how painful it could be, I know He knows better than I do, kaya dun ako. Let thy will be done. 🙏🏻

Quite a long read but yeah, my heart is full. ✨

[geraniumsky]

Working my way through season 8 and thinking over Hester's distraught season 7 exclamation: "The very touch of you corrupts! When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell he was lost!"

We know that there's contempt in heavenly circles for Castiel's fall for the sake of humanity/Dean Winchester - insert preferred interpretation wherever and I know mine -but that's generally what it is; Uriel, Naomi, Metatron, Chuck, and even Balthazar, are all quietly snide about it. There's the sense that it's just powerplays in the end. Hester though is genuinely anguished, which leaves me wondering if Castiel isn't literally a horror story to the host. An angelic wendigo who transformed out of unimaginable hungers. Keep your distance from humanity or you will lose everything that makes you recognisable to your eons old family. You'll fall, rebel, collude with demons, take power that's literally both godly and ungodly to yourself, kill your friends and family, lose your sanity. Cas gets quite the ride and that's just his first four seasons.

Yeah not sure where I'm going with this, but kudos to the actress/direction because if she'd just been angry or contemptuous, I don't think it would have anywhere near the same impact.