#*looks at my apartment which is for all intents and purposes worse*

[outro-jo]

hiding from skz after teasing them 

pairing: skz x reader

type: scenario

summary: sometimes it’s not good to leave them wanting more 👀

request: kinda

warnings: 18+ ONLY!! minors and age unspecified dni. spice but i’m not gonna write smuts lmao, sorry, my religious trauma came out with chan’s 😬, talking about dicks which is gross, mentions ✨self care✨ in hyunjin’s 

a/n: the word “hiding” is kinda used loosely. this was v long and i’m only slightly sorry

masterlist | info

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chan- it wasn’t intentional… well, it was a little but honestly half of it was his fault. he was the one who invited you to his studio. he was the one who sat you on his lap. you can’t help that you fidget and can’t always get comfortable. the problem arose slowly and he would have just bent you over the sound board if the rest of 3racha wasn’t there. the more the merrier tbh after a while chris was getting more and more frustrated. that’s when the real fun began. you could tell in the way he was sighing and the defensive tone in his voice sounded less and less jokey as he goofed around with the boys. bless him, he tried to get you to stop with a firm grip to your arm and a low growl in your ear but that only made things worse. when you could feel he was rock hard underneath you and practically panting in your ear, you got up from your seat, gave him a little peck on the lips, and made your way back to the apartment. his jaw was left agape as you walked out hearing two of the 3racha HOWLING with laughter behind you. later that evening, you couldn’t get the cheeky grin off your face. you laid in bed, thumb lazily scrolling through your phone when chris appeared out of nowhere. he was so quite coming in and that was 100% on purpose. there was a darkness in his eyes that should have scared you. he stood at the front of the bed and grabbed your ankle to pull you to the edge. 

“good thing you’re awake, darling. you have some sins to atone for. get on your knees.”

 lee know- there is nowhere to hide with him. 

you made the grave mistake of getting him riled up before a concert. your boyfriend generously spared no expense to fly you out to him and take care of every need and accommodation just to have you by his side. the tour had been going on for months now and he was getting restless without out. thankfully, you were able to take the time off work and finish the rest of the tour with him. unfortunately for the both of you, the flight got in late that afternoon and minho had spent the entire afternoon at the venue preparing for that night. all those late night facetime calls wouldn’t be seen to fruition just yet. when you arrived, a staff member took you directly to the arena and you practically ran until you were in minho’s arms. you were so caught up in seeing him for the first time that you practically made out with him in front of literally everyone. the boys. staff. kkami. the tiny shorts you wore in preparation for the texas heat did not help with minho’s love of butts either. neither of you gave a damn, it just felt so good to be in his arms again. as soon as you ran up to him, he lifted you in the air and pulled you into him, your legs instinctively wrapped around his waist with his hands resting on your bum. his tongue was practically down your throat and everyone was so shocked by the display that they couldn’t even speak. chan silently reaches over to cover jeongin’s eyes, jisung covers his own, and hyunjin gives you a look of disgust. of course, you don’t see this. with your crotch on minho’s and bumping into each other, it didn’t take long for him to get hard. finally the stage manager comes in and clears his throat to let everyone know that it’s 10 minutes to show time. you finally climb off him and give sheepish apologies and hugs to the rest of the boys. minho isn’t normally like this but you had been gone for so long and he was hopelessly turned on at this point. all he wanted to do was take you into a supply closet and make you scream but your attention was on the other boys and he was about to combust with jealousy. you suddenly of his looming presence at your side while you were catching up with the other boys. you were also aware of his hand in your back pocket. it wasn’t too much longer before it was time for the boys to take the stage not before you got final rough, quick, passionate kiss from lino. the entire show he was absolutely on edge. he seemed angry almost and it was coming out in his dancing… and growls. it had you squirming a bit too you had to admit. every so often, he would find where you were in the crowd and you couldn’t help but notice the way his jaw clench. three painful hours later, you stood backstage and waited as the boys finished their goodbyes to stay. after the cheers died down and the boys started filing to the green room, minho stormed past them and made a bee line for you, pulling you into the supply closet he has been thinking about taking you to all night before too many people had a chance to notice. he wasted no time stripping you of your scant clothing. 

“we’re gonna finish what we started, baby.”

changbin- it was probably more his fault than yours… at first. changbin made the mistake of asking you to come work out with him, and you made the even bigger mistake of agreeing. you were joined by some of the other boys in the jyp gym and little did you know that most of the boys actually like to work out shirtless, including your binnie. also something you’ve noticed since being in korea is that the music played in stores, cafes, and gyms are some of the nastiest, raunchiest rap songs in english. it wasn’t something that really mattered to them and the two native speakers in the group both put on headphones to work on their sets while everyone else was seemingly unfazed. you, however, were not. all of these ingredients came together to be a perfect recipe for disaster. the air in the small gym started getting thicker as you couldn’t help but stare. of course the treadmills were facing the equipment changbin was using. his back was turned to you as he worked on a set from the pull down bar. his muscles rippled as the bar went up and down… up and down. sweat began beading on your forehead not just from your 12-3-30. you were so out of it, you didn’t even hear him calling you over to a bench. once you returned back to earth (after nearly face planting on the treadmill), you clumsily rushed over to the spot he was patting with his hand and laid your back across it. what you didn’t know before today was your boyfriend’s methods of training and spotting. as you reached up to grab the bar, you suddenly felt a weight resting on your torso. desperately you tried to hide the way your eyes bugged out if your head but it was getting more and more difficult to keep your composure. it was all you could do to focus on the weights and not his toned chest, glistening with sweat. your arms shook to the point where even binnie took the amount down, throwing the disks around like they were nothing. god, it was getting hot. it simply wasn’t fair that changbin was doing this to you, especially so blissfully unaware of his effect on you. so it was time to have a little fun of your own. after several cooling sips of water while he worked on his set, you swiftly pulled your tshirt (his, actually) to show off your body to him, tight shorts and chest on display. this time it was him who nearly dropped the weights. you quickly rushed over to help spot him. “you ok, babe?” there was a condescending edge to your voice carefully masked behind your concern. you watched as his adams apple bobbed up and down and his eyes trying to figure out if he wanted to look at your face or your chest. checkmate. for the duration of your workout, you did all you could to counteract his “attacks” and after a while, you reached down to pick up your water bottle by him, brushing up against him. he was right where you wanted him. the workout had finally concluded for all of you and the boys had to finish up a couple of recordings but you made an excuse that you needed to go home to do a few things. really you just wanted changbin to stew for a bit with his problem. you left him with a sweet kiss and a smirk that made him realize that this was no accident. on your way home, you received a special text:

“you better be naked by the time i get home and if you touch yourself, you’re in trouble.”

hyunjin- when hyunjin said he wanted to “paint you like one of his french girls”, he didn’t specify whether he wanted you clothed or not. so really you couldn’t be blamed. also he didn’t tell you how he wanted you to be posed. “just sit on the couch there.” he said, not bothering to look up as you sauntered in with a white sheet loosely wrapped around you. hyunjin was too involved in setting up his easel and supplies in the living room. it wasn’t his usual art studio so it took a bit more time to prepare which was just fine with you. after a few moments on the sofa, you decided that you needed at least a little attention. “hyune, how do you want me, baby?” you cooed. the artist looked up to find you reclined on the armrest, arms above your head with your chest and body on full display as the sheet that once adorned you had pooled around your sides. his jaw went slack as his eyes went over the entire expanse of bare skin laid before him. the poor boy tried desperately to form a sentence but his vocal cords gave out on him, coming out as more of a squeak. after a few moments of gawking, he cleared his throat and shook his head, trying to bring him back from his lust filled stupor. then he was able to position you the way he wanted and get to work. hyunjin was focused once paint finally met paper and you laid there like a good model as you watched your artist at work. the quick, intense glances at your body started to get to you and between that and the fatigue of staying in one position, you had to shift a bit. it didn’t go unnoticed to your boyfriend and he smirked to himself behind the easel. “i’m about done, my love. just some fine details to finish if you want to go get more comfortable.” he told you after some time. you agreed, taking your sheet with you back to your bedroom but you couldn’t help yourself. hyunjin was so close to completion and you were too, judging by the sounds of your whimpers and soft moans. frustration coursed through hyunjin’s veins and he charged to your bedroom, grabbing you by your wrist just before you finished. now you were frustrated.

“you couldn’t even wait for me? naughty baby. you’ll have to pay for that one.”

jisung- it was a special night for the pair of you. well, jisung said it was and the reason? he was in love with you. of course he’s been in love with you pretty much since he’s met you but today was special. no, it wasn’t an anniversary either. the night called for a special dinner out at the fanciest restaurant he could find and he even managed to rent out a back room just for the two of you. it was private, intimate, secluded from the rest of the place. this gave you two more freedom to be more affectionate. jisung took a seat next to you rather than the typical seat across from you because it allowed for a hand to be on you at all times. it also allowed for jisung to lean over and kiss you whenever he wanted. the opportunity to tease him a little definitely was not lost on you. the boy was absolute putty in your hands and after a few drinks, he was practically purring like a cat in your lap. jisung suddenly became all too eager to take you home and take care of you properly. tragically, as the valet handed jisung his car keys, his phone rang. he answered it quickly and soon he was whining, pouting and stomping his feet at the entrance of the crowding restaurant, not that he cared. chan was calling him in to finish up some harmonies and it had to be done tonight. jyp had decided that the new album had to be ready sooner than expected and some bits of the album needed to be finalized. the valet helped flag down a taxi to take him to the jyp building while you drove home, not before giving him a long kiss to keep you fresh in his mind. when he returned later that night, he found you laying on your shared bed still ready for him. 

“i’m sorry to keep you waiting, baby. i’ll make it up to you.”

felix- your cutie boyfriend had a well deserved day off and wanted to spend it with you—just not in the way you preferred. he had come home late the night before but not so late. sometimes your ray of sunshine is so hopelessly obvious to your needs. he came in from practice and hopped right in the shower without asking you to join him. then he had the audacity to ask you to cuddle and watch a movie. sure, you agreed and it was sweet but this was the first time in a while that felix had any time off and you were hoping he would take care of you more than just a quiet quicky in the dorms. don’t get me wrong, you certainly enjoyed them and they worked to tide you over, but you missed him. you missed the intimacy of a full session… you missed the way he would ravage your body with reckless abandon, kneeling at the alter of you bed to offer worship your body. at times you would wake up in your bed alone after dreaming about the things he could do to you and your hand just wasn’t enough. but after the credits rolled on the animation he picked out, he hummed happily and cuddled into your side, falling asleep almost instantly. you, however, stared at the ceiling absolutely frustrated until you reluctantly allowed sleep to befall you. the next day, you both woke up late and felix excitedly got out of bed with ambitions to bake. you understood that it was therapeutic for him and you were more than happy to let him spend the day as he wished… after taking care of you. felix was so happy in the kitchen though. you stood in the doorway and watched as he began taking out the bakeware and ingredients he needed once again humming to himself in his low voice. god, his voice. the melody he hummed was definitely a happy tune but with the deep vibrations coming from his chest, you couldn’t help but feel more frustrated. “but he’s so happy.” your brain tried to rationalize putting off your own happiness for his sake. “baby!” felix’s voice broke through the torrid cloud hanging over your head. “come bake with me!” he held out an arm of invitation towards you with a bright smile that made you melt. you nodded and rushed over to him. all of his actions were so sweet. he slotted the apron around your neck and turned your body to tie the strings around your waist. you were careful to lean your bum into him, shaking it a little. felix let out a shocked grunt. “cheeky.” he teased , placing a pat to the mound. that wasn’t the only attempt you made at making your boyfriend horny. you tried everything from dropping things and bend over, to licking the spatula while making eye contact, lingering kisses, all but flat out grabbing him. baking no longer was fun to you when felix was hardly paying attention to you—well, not the attention you wanted anyways. when he leaned down to put his bakes in the oven, he stood and saw you were gone. felix found you laying on the bed, playing with the apron strings, a pout on your lips. “aw, baby, what’s the matter?” he returned the pout as he took a seat next to you. “you won’t play with me, lixie.” the aussie’s brows knit together in confusion, trying to figure out what you meant by “play” but the growing tent in his pant quickly brought him to the right conclusion. he wasn’t totally immune to you. 

“oh! that’s what you were doing?? i’m so sorry, baby. let me take good care of you.”

seungmin- it was so sweet that the boys had invited you to their bi-weekly movie night. however, you weren’t in the mood for sweet. this was a rare night off for seungmin and you wanted him all to yourself, but you weren’t one to be rude, especially to your boyfriend’s best friends so you couldn’t decline the invite. thankfully, sitting in a dark room with a blanket over your and your boyfriend’s laps gave you the perfect opportunity to fool around a bit. your hand started on his knee that was perched up from the way he was sitting. seungmin had grown used to you being affectionate and rubbing him in some way so this was nothing new to him. slowly as deadpool droned on in front of you, your hand made it’s descent down his leg. it seemed as though seungmin was only paying attention to the movie until you became a little bolder and attempted to tuck a finger into the waistband of his sweatpants. seungmin quickly caught your wrist, pulling your hand upright again. “don’t.” he warned in low tone. the boys took notice and the oldest checked to see what was wrong. “oh, nothing! i just have to run to the restroom real quick.” you told them and made your way out receiving one hell of a stare down as you left.  once the door closed behind you, you let out a deep sigh. of course you would say that you had to go to the bathroom. you didn’t. suddenly you got a text: “come out here in a few minutes to tell the boys you aren’t feeling well and then i’ll take you home… even though you don’t deserve it, brat.” success! not only are you getting what you wanted but you also managed to piss off seungmin in the process. mad seungmin is the best and rarest seungmin. when an appropriate amount of time had passed, you let yourself out of the bathroom and did as you were instructed. just as he said, your boyfriend took you home, sending you straight to the bedroom when you walked in. 

“clothes off. you’ll get what i give you and you won’t complain… understand, baby?”

jeongin- after a long day of work, jeongin was perfectly content to spend his evening playing video games in the living room with you cuddled up to him. for some reason tonight you felt a bit more frisky and a quiet night just wouldn’t do. at first your boyfriend didn’t think much of you moving around in his lap, he would use the opportunity to adjust some himself but he was far too immersed in the game, yelling at felix through the headset. indifference suddenly turned into annoyance when you just kept squirming and he would speak up every few shifts. “ya, what’re you doing? sit still, baby.” he pecked your cheek in aggressive love. like that was going to stop you. but he was too oblivious. you sighed and got up from your seat to make your way down the hall to your bedroom. you stopped short where the hallway starts, staring jeongin down as you removed the sweatshirt that belonged to him off your body and defiantly dropped it to the floor where you stood. jeongin, who caught your gaze in between glances to the screen gave you a confused look before completely returning to his game. as you journeyed to your bed, you left a clothing “breadcrumb” trail in your wake until you were totally naked, lying in wait. “guys, i’m gonna go. my partner is being weird.” you heard jeongin chuckle. minutes after you heard his feet shuffling along the wood floor then stop. “what the…?” he mumbled with the clothing articles in his hand, building his collection as he went until he stopped in the bedroom, taking in the sight of your bare form. the clothes dropped from his hands and he pulled his own shirt off,

“oh… why didn’t you say something sooner?”

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taglist: @ujejdjd

[cherriegyuu]

Willow | 02

pairing: seungcheol x fem!reader genre: angst, marriage of convenience word count: 5.2k summary: seungcheol always knew that he was going to marry you, but things only get harder once he does (or in which seungcheol is just really dumb and doesn't know how to show his feelings)

part one | part two | part three (final) | drabble

Seungcheol functioned like clockwork. 

Every day he woke up at the exact same time, his alarm was obnoxiously loud — especially considering how much of a light sleeper he was —, showered, cocked the same breakfast, and left the apartment precisely at 7:45.

You don’t remember him being that punctual but your best guess was that grown-up Seungcheol took his life and responsibilities much more seriously than teenage him. And he probably had a lot on his plate too. He was set to take over the firm once his dad retired, something that wouldn’t happen any time soon, but it always felt like something he was being prepared for it. 

And being honest, you couldn’t say that you knew this version of Seungcheol, not really. He was hot and cold with you, mostly cold, so it was hard to know where you stood in your relationship with him. 

Truth was, that had a lot to do with you as well. You weren’t trying to make things easier for the two of you, if anything it felt like you were trying your best to make it as hard as possible — even if that wasn’t your intention at all. 

While your husband was always perfectly on time, you were always running around late for every single appointment you could ever make. People from work already knew that if there was a student scheduled for 10:00h, you’d probably get there a little later. It really wasn’t on purpose, you tried your best to be on time, even tried to follow along with Seungcheol’s agenda. But it never worked out. So instead of being on time and having everything ready, all it did was make you nervous and even more late.

You also didn’t follow a schedule for your day. Every day, on your way home, you made a little detour, never failing in finding a new place to go or a different restaurant to try. 

At the end of the day, you and Seungcheol lived separate lives, barely talking to each other, or even acknowledging each other. Most of it was just niceties because both of you felt the need to do so. It would have felt even more awkward to walk past each other in the hallway and don’t even say good morning. Anyone who looked at the two of you would think that you were just roommates, not actually married. Hell, not even friends. 

If anything, the house arrangement contract you wrote made things even worse — if that was even possible.   

After signing it, with a look of complete disbelief on his face, Seungcheol went to his room. His words “my own wife is telling me that she wants to date other men while saying that I should date other women” still rang in your head. You didn’t mean for it to sound like that, you didn’t want to push him to do anything at all. Your only thought was that since the marriage was fake, there was no love between you, there was no reason for you to be stuck to each other and live completely without happiness. 

There wasn’t anything either of you could do in that regard, there was no way of canceling or ending the marriage, so all you wanted to do was give him a way to find something that could bring him a little bit of joy. If said joy came in the shape of another woman, then so be it.

After that, you never talked again. And he barely showed any emotion at all around you, no reaction. He didn’t complain or seemed fazed when you almost let the dirty water you used to clean your brushes fall on his desk and ruin, well, everything. He still followed the rules you created, almost religiously. Whenever he cooked, he made enough for you, if he was the one doing laundry he was careful not to damage any of your clothes. 

Living like that felt oddly lonely. 

You were used to being by yourself, having your own space. The last time you shared an apartment with someone, or more specifically, a room, was when you were still in college with Yeda. But the thought of living with someone else but never actually seeing them… 

You thought that once you were married you would have someone to share your life with, even if that someone turned out to be Seungcheol. Naively, you figured that all of those years of your childhood spent together — even if those were also forced on both of you —, would play a part in making sure that cohabitation was a possibility. 

We could still try to be friends, was what you told yourself.

Because your husband wasn't all that bad, to begin with. You might not see eye to eye on many things but you knew that he was a good person. You had hoped that, maybe, living in the same place, seeing each other every day, would change something about your relationship with him. And in a way, it did. It just wasn't what you expected. Instead of growing closer, you couldn’t be further apart. 

You glanced at your phone again, the bright numbers seemed to be mocking you. 

It was past 3 am and there was still no sign of Seungcheol. When 9 pm rolled around you assumed he had stayed at the office a little bit longer, finishing up whatever it was. Then 9 became midnight and staying in bed wasn’t something you could stand anymore so you moved to the living room, a book and a blanket in hand. But reading too was hard, the words were all floating around in your mind and none of it actually made any sense. Your mind was too focused on the fact that Seungcheol wasn't home yet to focus on the story.

Another hour went by and there was still no sign of him. The world outside the apartment was quiet and no car could be heard on the street.

The truth was that you were worried about him. There were little bells inside your mind telling you that something must have happened to him because that just wasn’t Seungcheol. It wasn’t him when he was young and it also wasn’t him as an adult. He wasn’t the kind of person who would disappear without telling anyone, so you were sure that there was someone who knew where he was. 

The most obvious choice would be to call him and it would have been a great plan if you had his number at all. 

The realization that you knew nothing at all about your husband made a sickening feeling slowly spread through your body.

It was so stupid to not have his number and it made absolutely no sense because he was your husband. Even if you were a fake wife, shouldn’t you at least be able to communicate with him if needed? Sometimes people have emergencies that couldn’t wait for their significant other to get home — or in your case never get home at all.

Option number two was to go through the things in his office. He should have at least a business card or something, anything at all, with a phone number. You thought about calling your parents or even his parents. How would you explain that even though you kept telling them that everything was fine, that things were finally falling into place, you didn’t have your husband's number? And never mind knowing someone who worked with him. Seokmin, what that his name? Seokmin probably knew where Seungcheol was but then again, there was no way to reach him either. 

You stood up to cross the room, your blanket and book both forgotten on the couch when you heard the sound of keys being put in the lock and a second later the door was pushed open. 

Seungcheol stood precariously on his legs, an arm over Seokmin’s shoulders, while the younger one tried his best to stop his friend from falling face-first on the floor. 

“Cheol” you breathed in relief and rushed towards him, your hands reached for his cheeks, forcing him to look at you “Cheol…”

He opened his eyes for a second and a drunken smile, or at least an attempt at a smile.

“Ah, wife! Precisely who I wanted to see” his words were slurred, almost in sync with his body as it swayed from side to side. 

Seungcheol stepped away from Seokmin and dropped all of his weight onto you. Your arms immediately circled his waist as you bent your knees a little, trying to hold him up.

"Sorry," Seokmin said as he tried to pull Seungcheol from you "I've never seen him get this drunk before, I didn't think it possible"

Neither did you, but then again there was a lot about Seungcheol that you didn't know. 

"It's fine" you moved your feet back until you felt the couch behind your knees and with Seokmin's help you were able to get Seungcheol to sit "Thank you for bringing him home"

Seokmin smiled at you, tightly. He wanted to say more but he knew that if he did he would be butting in your relationship with Seungcheol and his friend would probably give him hell for it. Drunk Seungcheol was a problem — in the form of a cute lovesick oversized puppy, as he has recently discovered —, but sober Seungcheol would bite his head off without as much as a warning.

"I should have brought him home earlier, before he drank himself stupid"

You shook your head and pushed the hair out of Seungcheol’s forehead. You couldn't even bring yourself to be mad at him, not really. Before he got home you felt this pain in your stomach, telling you that there was something incredibly wrong, that he was in some kind of trouble. But the only real trouble was the fact he had, as Seokmin said, drank himself stupid.

"Honestly, it's okay. I'm just glad he's home safe. Again, thank you for that"

 "I wish I could say it was no trouble" he laughed lightly "Do you need help with anything?"

You shook your head.

"I got it from here"

Seokmin opened the door and let himself out. He stopped for a second as if remembering something and reached for the inside pocket of his jacket, pulling out a business card. He didn't say anything as put it by your keyes.

You realized then that he knew. Seokmin knew about your relationship with Seungcheol, or lack of it. He just smiled and closed the door. You stayed frozen in place, looking at the door, as if somehow it would grant you answers.

Though you had told Yeda the true nature of your marriage, you never expected Seungcheol to do the same and to Seokmin, of all people. Not that you really knew him but just based on his interaction with Seungcheol on your wedding day, Seokmin was the last person you would expect to know the truth.

"y/n," Seungcheol said and you turned to him, "I think I want to throw up"

His warning was almost too late, there was no time to get him to the bathroom or for you to get him a bucket, but just enough for him to grab on the flower vase in front of the couch. You turned away from him, knowing that the smell of vomit wouldn't bother you, but seeing him throw up actually would. 

"I'm really sorry"

It had been so long since you last heard him talk like that, almost childlike. The Seungcheol you knew liked to pose as this big, bad guy, but in reality, he was more of a softy that got things done. He could pout for days if he wanted.

Not only did he sound childlike, but he also looked like a child that messed up. His eyes were almost helpless as he looked at the floor, then his shoes, and finally his suit jacket. 

"Don't worry about it" You reached a hand for him. His eyes focused on your hand, almost mesmerized, before his long fingers wrapped around yours "Let's get you cleaned up and ready for bed"

You helped him off his jacket and held both of his hands as he allowed you to pull him up from the couch. He pushed his shoes off once you reached the hall leading up to his room. This time, instead of putting all of his weight on you, Seungcheol used the wall to steady himself, still his arm was around your shoulder and he leaned a little towards you. 

You wanted to ask him what happened, what made him want to drink so much. More than anything you wanted to know why he didn't warn you in advance.

Over the four months that you lived together, though there was no real interaction between the two of you, Seungcheol always found ways to talk to you. At first, there was a yellow post-it stuck to your door. They were simple notes. I made breakfast, or dinner with your parents tonight, I'll pick you up at 7. And sometimes they were more caring, those, you came to realize, were always blue. Do you still hate spinach? just in case, i didn't add any or let me know if there's anything you want to eat and even i canceled dinner tonight with my mom, you looked tired last night, you should rest this weekend. 

He always made sure to tell you if he was going to be late, always. So not knowing where he was… you hated it.

Seungcheol didn't complain when you pushed him down on the mattress and undid his tie, later moving on to his shirt and then using it to clean his mouth

You didn't realize but Seungcheol's eyes were on you the entire time. Despite the alcohol, his mind was hyper-aware of your finger touching his skin, on the way you kept biting your lips as if doing your best to hold back from cussing him out.

"Can you shower on your own?" Seuncheol made a noise that you could only translate as a no "Do you want to brush your teeth?"

You probably already knew the answer to that too but still had to ask. His eyes were almost closed and he stayed sitting by some sort of miracle. 

"I don't think I should stand up again" You nodded at him and turned around, you could at least get him to use some mouthwash before he fell asleep and maybe get him to drink a glass of water, but he held your hand and lightly pulled you back — not in a forcible way, just to get your attention "I don't like it when you make that face"

His voice was so quiet, barely above a whisper.

"It's the same face you did on our wedding day, when you walked down the aisle. You looked so pretty but sad, and angry too. Why were you so angry?"

You looked at his eyes for a second before looking away. They were all too demanding, wanting more than you were willing to give him. Your wedding day, believe it or not, wasn't a day you thought about too often and when you did think about it felt like years had gone by. The night you decided to suggest the contract was the one you thought of more often, with much more sadness. 

"I wasn't angry" 

Your voice was quiet as pulled the duvet for him to get under. In silence, Seungcheol removed his pants and laid down. He let go of your hand for only a second before holding it again.

"I was scared and worried, like today. You were gone for a really long time and I didn't know where you were. I couldn't even call you"

Having those thoughts around your mind was so different from actually saying them out loud, saying them to Seungcheol. If the night taught you one thing was that you didn't know anything at all about your husband. Everything you thought you knew was wrong. But if you could make a guess, judging by the way his eyes seemed to be a little more focused and his words a little less slurred, it was probably okay to say that he was sobering up. Maybe throwing up was all he needed.

"Our marriage is just so weird. My wife told me to sleep with other people" he laughed and pulled his hand away, closing his eyes "It's almost like we're friends with benefits but without the friendship part nor the benefits. We're just a piece of paper. If you think about it, we're nothing really"

Tomorrow, you suddenly promised yourself, tomorrow will be different and we will start this all over again.

The second he said yes to drinking with Seokmin, Seungcheol knew that he would regret it. The first time he went to a bar with the younger one, Seuncheol told him all about his fake marriage. So, of course, the second time couldn't be much different. He regretted it for more reasons than he cared to admit. 

The entire night he behaved like a pubescent thirteen year old complaining about the fact that his crush didn't like him back. He was stupid enough to tell Seokmin all about the contract you came up with, to which his friend laughed hysterically. Because you must be the shitties husband in the history of the world if your wife has already given up on you like this.

And if that was what you thought of him, if you saw him as the worst husband in the history of the world, could he blame you? On your wedding way, that is known to be a day that everyone remembers, he was a complete idiot to you. No excuse he could ever come up with would be good enough. Because, truth be told, his behavior then had been inexcusable. In your shoes, he would have probably done much worse. You had shown him mercy. 

And kept showing him mercy, even after months of him being silent and barely being in the apartment. He used work as an excuse often to get him out of situations in his daily life. He never thought that he would use it as a way to stay clear of you. 

Because Seungcheol did work a lot but he also knew how to take time off. His job was important and his clients too were important, but he learned that he should have time to himself. and now that he was married, he needed to have time for you too. Even if it was just to stay home with you. He should have done that but instead, he found ways to be at the office until later than he usually did, took clients that he normally wouldn’t, and did the most stupid thing of all: went to a bar with Seokmin.

And the worse part of it all was that he remembered every single thing that he did the night before. He wished he was one of those people who get drunk and just forget about all the embarrassing things they did. But he wasn’t. 

Seungcheol remembered being carried home by Seokmin, who again was having too much fun laughing at him, he remembers throwing up, the way you held on to him. But more than anything he remembers the way you said his name, Cheol, ever so quietly, when he walked in, the way your eyes searched his face as if looking for anything that could be wrong with him — other than being drunk.

He hated that he talked about being friends with you while he was drunk. Hated that you didn’t get to hear him while he was sober because he had prepared a whole speech for you, almost as if he was going to court and needed to plead his case.

He had plans to talk to you and maybe that was why he went out with Seokmin, to get his friend to push in the direction he wanted to go. Because truth be told, Seungcheol was scared. 

For over ten years of his life, he knew that he would marry you. So had time to think about it, and ponder on every possibility that could happen. Because he had been in love with you for longer than that, but not once he was allowed to act on his feelings. At first, it was because of your brother, then because of himself, and then finally when you closed a door on his face — metaphorically speaking. 

And when he finally had a chance to do so, he fucked up. There was no other way to say it. The two of you were already married, so what was the worst thing that could happen? For you to reject him? That was already happening. 

He hated that he lost the chance to charm you from the get-go. And then again for months. He couldn’t miss the chance yet again.

Seungcheol pushed himself up on his elbows, tentatively opening his eyes. He expected the room to be filled with light but he was surprised to see that the only source of it came from the half opened door. He never closed his blinds before going to bed, he never felt the need to as he usually got up as soon as the sun was up, and he certainly hadn’t closed them the night before going to bed. 

However, no amount of darkness could make him look past you, sleeping in a weird position in the armchair in front of his bed.

Seungcheol, who was usually a light sleeper, had no idea that you came into his room a couple of times during the night until you finally convinced yourself that it was okay for you to sleep in there because you were too afraid that we would throw up during the night; he had no idea that you got up in the middle of the night to pull the duvet over his body.

He knew nothing about those things, yet he felt overwhelmed at the sight of you.

For a second he wanted nothing more than to stay sitting there and just watch you. As creepy as it might be, it was the first time he felt like the two of you were more than just two people who shared the same apartment. 

He could only hope that the night before had changed something for you too, because now there was no way he would just let things go back to how they were. 

You were worried about Seuncheol. Had been the entire day. You woke up to the sound of the shower running and the sight of his empty bed in front of you. You left as soon as you woke up, deciding that he was probably way too hungover to want to talk to you then. 

So instead of staying at home, wondering when it would be a good time talk to talk to him, you went out. There was nothing for you to do, no place to go and Yeda already had plans with her boyfriend so she couldn’t meet you. 

You indulged yourself, going to the mall and getting a few new brushes and paint — not that you needed anything, but a mind filled with weird thoughts and a credit card with more limit than necessary could be the ruin of someone. But going there was somewhat of a bad idea, considering how many couples there were around. 

All of them looked in love, happy to be around each other. You couldn’t help but wonder if it could be the same for you and Seungcheol. If you had talked to him in the months leading up to the wedding, would things be different now? If he hadn’t been a complete idiot on your wedding day, would things be different?

There were many answers to those questions, but none of them would matter. There was no way to go back to the past, to redo things. So all you had was the present, as it was, and a chance to change everything. 

On your wedding day, your dad told you that he didn’t love your mother when they got married. He said that the love he felt for her was built over the years they stayed together. And you wanted to try that. 

Because you never really believe in love at first sight, the idea of it was just too irrational for you. You believed that curiosity, attraction, lust, and enchantment could all be feelings that are awoken in someone at first sight. But love? That was a complicated feeling, that no three seconds look ever give you. 

Because you wanted a love that was constantly warm. Too hot or too cold would burn you all the same. You didn’t want a relationship that was all over the place, with too many ups and downs. 

And maybe, Seungcheol could that someone for you. 

You had been standing in front of Seungcheol’s room for the past five minutes, building up the courage no knock on his door, had already raised your hand twice but was yet to finally do it. Seungcheol’s drunker words mirrored your thoughts, so you had to talk to him.

You took a deep breath before you forced your fingers to tap lightly against his door. You didn’t wait for his answer and stuck your head inside. 

He was sitting on his bed, a book open over his chest while he scrolled through his phone. That was a scene you had seen many times while you were a teenager. It was easy to remember an 18-year-old Seungcheol lying on the couch, in that exact position. 

“Seungcheol?” he looked at you surprised, he hadn’t heard you knock on his door “Come out, let’s have dinner”.

Without a word, Seungcheol followed you to the kitchen. His surprised eyes were focused on the food on the table. He clearly remembered you telling him that you didn’t cook, your mom said the same thing too.

“You cooked?” he sounded a little nervous, as if unsure that he should be asking.

He looked cute, you decided then. There was this childish look in his eyes, half in wonder, half in expectancy. 

Seungcheol was waiting for something to go wrong again. The last time you had gotten him dinner was the night everything went to shit. What if this time you told him that you wanted a divorce because of the shit he pulled the night before? He was honestly ready to beg you not to do that. 

“No, I got it on the way home” you waved a hand and he laughed and you felt your cheeks get warm “Are you feeling better? I left before we could talk”

He smiled and nodded at you, looking at the food in front of him. There was nothing special about it, it was something that he could have cooked, but still, his heart did a little flip inside his chest. 

“I’m sorry about last night. I swear I don’t drink like that all the time. Or at all” his own cheeks got hot “I’m sorry you had to clean up after me”

“It’s fine, really. Yeda was my roommate in college and I wish she would throw up in a vase. I think I cleaned that dorm more than anyone else that used it before or after us”

Yeda was a good friend, but she took the idea of being the life of the party a little too far sometimes. That alone was the reason you found yourself going back to your parents' house almost every weekend. You had convinced yourself that the two-hour drive was worth it, if it meant that you didn’t have to clean vomit again. 

The two of you eat in silence as you tried to find a good way to start a conversation with him. Why was it so hard? You had no trouble talking with him when you were teenagers. Sure, there was a lot of bickering but that was still better than nothing at all. 

“Is everything okay with you? You’re not eating” he said quietly. the food in front of him was almost gone while yours had barely been touched “You don’t like the food?”

You shook your head and set down your fork. 

“I’m a little nervous, so it’s hard to eat” he didn’t need to ask to know what you were nervous about “Can we talk, please?”

In silence, the two of you put the dishes away and the food leftovers on the fridge. There was no way either of you would keep eating so it was better not to waste any time.

Seungcheol’s mind was running a thousand miles an hour. He was certain, 100%, that would you ask for a divorce. He knew that you couldn’t do it. The rational part of his brain told him that it wasn’t an option at all. But the irrational side? It didn’t care. All the worse possible scenarios were playing in his mind. 

The first one, as he expected, would be for you to ask for a divorce; the second one would be you telling him that there was someone in your life, someone you were in love with. 

That thought alone was enough to make his heart ache. You being in love with someone else was too much for him. 

“Oh my god! Will you stop looking at me like that? I'm not going to bite your head off! I want to talk with my husband. Millions of people do that every day. I'm sure millions of people are probably doing that right now”

He smiled then. That was exactly how remembered you, that was the you he wanted to see the most on your wedding day, when he talked shit and you talked right back at him. Because there was no way that he would get to have the last word in a conversation like that. 

And it was also the first time you addressed him as your husband, at least in front of him. The first time you said it out loud. 

But in that moment you confused his feelings for fear when all that he felt was some sort of joy. How borderline pathetic was it that he felt happy over the simple fact that his wife acknowledged his existence?

“The things you said last night… I agree with them. Our marriage won't last very long, we won't last very long, if we continue this way. We will be broken beyond repair if we don't do something right now. So we have to change, we have to, at the very least, be friends but we will never get there if we keep going this way”

That wasn't exactly what you wanted to say but you hoped that Seungcheol would understand, wished that he would read into your sloppy and messy words. He was a lawyer, after all, it was what he did for a living. Right?

“Let's go out once a week then, sort of like a date? But not really” you shook your hand and covered your face, you felt like a teenager asking the guy you had a crush on a date “Just so we can get used to each other again, be friends and all that”

Seungcheol pressed his lips, trying his best to suppress the smiles that threatened to take over his entire face. With a short nod and shake of hands, you and Seungcheol settled down on another agreement.

taglist: @belladaises @minghaossv @lol6sposts @weebotakuboy @alifethatsonlyonthepage @donquixotesvt @dearlosver @dearxia @yogurttea @royal9 @desibrownie @feat-sun @itsveronicaxxx @soonyoonswoo @matchahyuck

requests are open

[suashii]

𝒮𝒫𝒪𝐼𝐿𝐸𝒟 — kuroo tetsuro x reader. 0.7 wc. sfw. fluff.

today was normal in every aspect. morning routines within the apartment went smoothly and you and your boyfriend had decent days out before returning home for the evening. the two of you cooked and ate dinner together, enjoying each other’s company for the first time in hours. and when you finished, kuroo, being the gentlemen he is, offered to clean up the table and take care of the dishes while you began washing up.

“have you seen my sleep shorts, tetsu? the blue ones,” you call out from the bedroom.

kuroo had been responsible for the laundry this week. he’s usually good about making sure he doesn’t leave any lone garments in the washer or dryer and he clearly recalls folding the specific pair of shorts you’re asking about. he must have put them away with his clothing by mistake.

“check my top drawer,” he yells over his shoulder, hoping his voice is loud enough to carry over the running water. he hums to himself as he rinses off the last dish, setting it on the drying rack. it’s only when kuroo is shaking the soapy water from his hands that he realizes his mindless blunder. he has been purposely trying to keep you out of his side of the dresser for the past few weeks so as to conceal a certain object.

“wait, don’t look in there!” water drips from the tips of his fingers as he rushes out of the kitchen and down the hall to stop you from finding what he’s been trying so hard to keep hidden.

though, when he finally reaches the doorway of your bedroom, you’re frozen. seems like he was a little too late.

“what’s this?” you inquire, clasping a small velvet box in your shaky hand. your eyes slowly drag away from the unexpected discovery and meet kuroo’s frantic ones.

“… a ring.” if his hands weren’t already covered in suds, kuroo is sure they’d be sweating beyond his control. you weren’t supposed to find that for at least a couple more weeks. scratch that—you weren’t supposed to find it at all.

“for me?” you question, your tone more steady and even than before.

“perhaps,” he answers.

“perhaps? don’t tell me i’m the side piece,” you try to joke. you know there’s no way kuroo would be unfaithful, but you’re having a hard time wrapping your head around the events playing out before your eyes.

“of course not. i just meant that i never got to ask before you found it.” he shrugs, finally stepping past the threshold of the doorway and into the room. “i didn’t know if you’d say yes.”

no matter how hard you try, you can’t think of a time when the air felt so tense between the two of you. knowing that you are partially to blame, albeit unintentionally, you clear your throat with the goal of resolving the mess that you created. “i know you weren’t planning on it, but you can do it now.”

“do what?” he asks, caving and wiping what was left of the foam from his hands onto his pants.

“propose, dummy.” you toss the box to kuroo, which he catches effortlessly. “that’s what the ring is for, right?”

“yeah…”

“then do it. i have my answer.”

a bright shade of red flushes across kuroo’s cheek as he considers your words. you’re right, he had no intention of proposing so soon, but now that the cat is out of the bag, it only makes sense to. even simply thinking of it is nerve-wracking, yet the thought of walking on eggshells around you until he builds up his courage sounds even worse. so, he buries the jitters ravaging his body before opening the box and kneeling down on one knee.

“will you—”

“yes!” your feet are moving on their own, launching you into kuroo’s chest. your body crashing into his sends him flying backward, his back hitting the carpeted floor with a thud. he doesn’t have time to focus on the discomfort of it all before you’re showering his cheeks and forehead in excited kisses.

“you didn’t even let me finish the question,” kuroo chuckles, pulling the ring from its case and sliding it onto your fourth finger. 

“i already ruined your original plan, no harm in cutting the formalities short.” you hold your hand out to inspect the jewelry, a wide smile spreading across your face.

“i guess you’re right,” kuroo agrees, lovingly gazing at you.

“not to ruin the moment any further,” you start, fighting back a laugh, “but we really need to have a talk about your horrible hiding place.”

[kryptonitejelly]

what is this bachelor and bachelorette party you speak of 🤔🤔

i’m actually not sure if i wrote something on this, but i’m leaning towards no but my brain is buzzing with the idea of each of their bachelor / bachelorette parties!!!

i feel like they would definitely be forced by their friends to have separate ones, but on the same night and in the same vicinity. maybe they do it back home, everyone descends on grandma doris’ or one of grandma doris’ properties, or they go ahead and lease this huge airbnb like house where everyone stacks in for the weekend. and its chaos. also they FORCE you guys to sleep apart 100%, and you can be sure that Jake absolutely hates it and tries to protest it.

one huge dinner together, pre-drinks together and then everyone is off. girls / boys, split right down by gender regardless of who they really are closer to. of course both groups are headed to bars, with all intents and purposes of ending up at separate clubs. they don’t want to let jake kiss you goodbye. he contemplates zipping across the space and basically barrelling his way towards you, but he knows with the amount of naval aviators and ex-football players here it isn’t going to happen. he’s fit and strong, but so are all of them. i imagine what is worse is your outfit!!!!!!!! you didn’t have a say in it but they’ve basically shoved you into the skimpiest, slinkiest dress with matching strappy heels that lace all the way ip your calves. and jake loves when you show yourself off - doesn’t care because by gods you are gorgeous and he thinks the whole world should know that, but it’s one of those moments where he wishes the dress would do more to cover you up because it is torture that he doesn’t get any bit of benefit from it (“that dress needs to work harder from the front and back”)

all he can do when they bundle you both in opposite vehicles and directions is shout that you are a fucking goddess and that he loves you and can natasha please look out for you if she insists in dressing you in that. it has everyone smiling but also exasperated because jake.

and ok i haven’t thought what goes on after because there and too many possibilities and idk which i want to commit to but all thoughts are always welcome

[sanjoongie]

Love will Find you when you're not Looking

🌳Apart of the ghibli collab held by @daesukiii 🌳Genre: romance, angst 🌳Trope/Au: love triangle, established relationship, s2l, fantasy au 🌳Pairing: San x Nari (OC) x Seonghwa 🌳Fandom: Ateez 🌳Movie: My Neighbor Totoro 🌳Warnings: mentions of illness, death, heartbreak, cheating! 🌳Word Count: 7,060 🌳Rating: 18+ MDNI 🌳Summary: moving into the countryside had two purposes: one, to put Seonghwa in a state-of-the-art facility to see if there's a chance he might survive this illness, and two, so that you could enjoy your life while being without Seonghwa. What you never pegged was how magical the forest was surrounding your new home and finding comfort within it. 🌳A/N: Mathieu is the youngest, four years old boy, and Seongnam is eight (first born, means south star, after hwa's nickname for Nari, which is northern star) 🌳Dedication: @mejuii & @downtoamagicalland who wept when i first told them of my plans for this story and wept after they read it too 💔 i'm sorry i broke your hearts, my beta readers

“Seongnam, please watch your brother!” I called out as the two raced out of the moving van and tore across the wild grass that was now my new yard.

“Okay Mama!” Seongnam, my eldest, called out. “Mathieu, stay by me, okay?”

“‘Kay!” Mathieu, my four year old, echoed back.

I let myself watch them as they zoomed around for a moment before turning to the moving van. There was a lot of stuff to move and it was only day one.

I had moved to the countryside to remain closer to my husband, Seonghwa. He had always had a delicate disposition when I had met him but it seemed to only get worse once we got older and began a family. Eventually, when Seonghwa became bedridden, the city doctors recommended a state of the art facility that was located in the middle of nowhere. I wrote for a living so it was nothing for me to move my life for Seonghwa, but I worried about the kids. Seongnam had some best friends already and I loathed to pull him from his life in the city, but he insisted he wanted to be wherever his Papa was, so here we were, moving into a fixer-upper with the intentions of staying within biking distance of his father.

Mathieu squealed in fear as Seongnam lifted up a log, revealing creepy-crawlies, and it made my own fear zip through me. I dropped a dresser I had been attempting to pull onto the built-in dolly on the moving truck and moved outside of the van. 

“Park Seongnam, stop torturing your poor brother!” I shouted.

“Yes, Mama,” Seongnam said dutifully but stuck his tongue out at his scaredy cat brother. 

I sighed. Seongnam promised me he was going to try to take care of his brother, who was still very sensitive to his father being ‘in that sick place’ but Seongnam had too much of my teasing nature in him and Mathieu was also too much me in being the perfect victim. It was going to be a mess keeping those two from aggravating each other this summer. 

The boys zoomed around the house, searching every nook and cranny for old folklore creatures. They claimed they found soot sprites and one of the grannies from the small community in these hills even confirmed it to them, leaving them wide eyes about tales of the small creatures in our house and in the forest.

"You would beware of the forest spirit the most, however," Granny wagged a finger at me, "many a maiden have fallen to his charms. As kind and warm as his heart may be, he is still a forest spirit."

I rolled my eyes. "You don't have to worry about me, Granny. With these two gremlins, I have enough to worry about."

"Gremlin!" Mathieu cackled at the new fun word to say.

Seongnam began to growl, crouching and forming claws from his fingers. He chased Mathieu around the house, while Granny instructed me how best to heat up all the welcome dishes she brought with her. And through all this, I just wished Seonghwa was here.

Seonghwa always used to be able to put the boys to bed best. He would gather them in his arms, one on each side of him, and he would lay in Seongnam's single bed. His feet would awkwardly lie off the bed but his eyes would remain on me. 

"Tell us a story, Mama," he would say, eyes full of hearts instead of stars.

Our boys would fall asleep to the sound of their father's even breathing but Seonghwa always listened to every last word until I said "The End."

Each boy would get a kiss on the forehead, Mathieu tucked into his big boy bed, and we would continue the evening. It used to be that Seonghwa would say "One more time, I think we can get a little girl." But then Seonghwa couldn't make it through a single story without coughing and his sleep included an oxygen mask. I loved Seonghwa but I missed him so much.

"Boys, please, I've a new story to tell you," I pleaded, currently having a hard time without Seonghwa.

Mathieu frog hopped over his brother who was crouched putting Legos together on the floor. "New story?"

I nodded my head. "Remember the spirit Granny warned me about earlier?"

Seongnam laid on his bed, with his brother dutifully beside him, and they both watched me with the same eyes their father stared at me as I weaved a tale for their bedtime…

Once upon a time there was a maiden and she had to travel to far away lands because her father was sick--

“Do even princesses have sick father’s too, Mama?” Seongnam interrupted me.

Mathieu had the beginnings of a pout on his adorable lips. Seongnam looked like he needed to relate to someone; that he wasn’t alone in the world with a sick papa.

I tickled Mathieu to get a big grin from him and I leaned in to kiss Seongnam’s nose. “Yes, my star, even princesses have sick fathers.”

The princess was very lonely, stuck in a castle all by herself, with her father sick in a tall tower that was guarded by a powerful wizard. But the castle was surrounded by a magical forest, so she spent her days picking flowers--

“Mama,” Seongnam interrupted me again, Mathieu blew a raspberry. 

I narrowed my eyes down at my boys, giving them the best Mama Glare I knew. Seongnam stayed strong, however. 

“Why does the princess pick flowers? What did they ever do to her?”

I had to laugh. “Do you want to hear the story or not Park Seongnam?!” I demanded, putting my hands on my hips.

A small smile, a ghost of his father’s, pulled at Seongnam’s lips. “Sorry, Mama.”

--she spent her days picking up acorns and pinecones, hoping to recreate some of the magical forest within the walls of the castle. For the princess knew that soon she would be caught playing in the forest and that was not allowed.

The magical forest was neither good nor evil, it simply was. There were happy fairies but there were also dangers in the magical forest that even a princess could not defeat. So every day, the princess made sure she was back home before sunset; before it became dark in the magical forest.

Mathieu clung to his older brother, burying his face into his older brother’s airplane pattern pjs. Seongnam hugged his brother back, ‘too big’ to admit that he might be scared as well.

Luckily enough for the princess, the forest enjoyed her company. She bowed to the deer and said good morning to the bunnies. So the forest sent out a messenger, for it could see that the princess was indeed very lonely.

The forest spirit was a big but fluffy creature, with gray fur and white spots. The forest spirit loved to sleep in the sun, having found the perfect burrow in the hollow of a tree. The forest awoke the spirit with a great shaking of the tree’s branches and the spirit yawned loudly. 

The noise scared the princess, who had been below the tree, collecting acorns. But, she was a brave and curious princess, so she followed a hole into the tree and found the spirit. 

“Did the spirit eat her?” Seongnam demanded. Mathieu squealed as his brother grabbed his arm and pretended to nom on him. 

“You sir, are a troublemaker,” I scolded my eldest.

I scooped Mathieu up into my arms and cradled him to my chest. “The forest spirit does not eat princesses,” I assured my youngest. 

Mathieu nodded like he knew better this entire time and continued to listen to my story.

The princess climbed upon the forest spirit because he was larger than a bear but much more cuddly. She curled up and napped with the forest spirit, who was very happy to go back to sleep. 

She slept and she slept. And she slept and she slept. And when she woke up, she found that so much time had passed. The castle had been looking for her far and wide and thought she disappeared! But the forest was looking to help the princess who sought comfort in it. So by the time the princess woke up, her father was healed! 

By the time I finished my story, Mathieu was sound asleep, sucking his thumb. Seongnam looked like he had half a foot in sleepland and half a foot in the waking land. 

“Mama?” Seongnam inquired sleepily as I tucked Mathieu in.

“Yes baby?” I answered absentmindedly, gently tugging Mathieu’s thumb out of his mouth.

“I wish I could sleep and wake up and Papa was better.”

My heart dropped into my stomach. I had wanted to give my children hope with that story but it seemed like Seongnam had my logic. I turned to my first born and sat on his bed. “Well, Seongnam, in a way, it’s kinda true. One day, we will wake up and go visit your father and the doctors will tell us he’s well enough to come home.”

“Promise?” Seongnam asked, rubbing his eyes.

“On a shooting star, let it go far,” I added our family’s extra mantra when we promised things.

“ ‘kay,” Seongnam replied, turning over and falling asleep.

Sleep did not come to me as easily as it did my sons, unfortunately. Nighttime was usually when I was free of my hoodlums and could write a bit but my mind and body was exhausted after the move. Instead, I grabbed a blanket and sat outside on the porch to look at the stars. Perhaps Seonghwa was also looking at the same stars I was. But I hope he was sleeping, just like our babies.

I pulled out my phone by instinct but there wasn’t any cell service in the remote area we lived in. Hell, the internet company wasn’t coming out for another week because it was satellite internet and they were already booked up. All I wanted to do was send a text message to my love to tell him I missed him. I didn’t want to be a single parent anymore.

“There’s a star in this sky around this time of year that we call the lonely star,” a voice comes out of nowhere, scaring me half to death. “I don’t see it in the sky though. Perhaps it’s you?”

I turned my head slowly and there was a dark haired man, hair sheared close to his head, with a gray shirt that had cut-outs on his massive shoulders. His smile pulled only half of his lips to the side, showing dimples. His dark eyes glowed merrily, clearly teasing. 

I tried to calm my beating heart. “Nope, I’m not a fallen star,” I stated. I moved to get up, scared for my children but the man sat down beside me.

“The babies are asleep. There is no danger to them,” He reassured me. 

I swallowed nervously. “Is there any danger to me?”

The man shook his head. “No,” he replied simply. 

“What brings you out here at the dead of night?” I couldn't help but say sarcastically.

“Your heart called out to me,” The man said, turning his head slightly. 

I scoffed and then brandished my hand with my wedding band to him. “Didn’t you hear that your new neighbor is married?”

The man cocked his head curiously and then examined my engagement ring on top of my marriage band. The diamond sparkled as he moved it and I held my breath. “Are you sure you’re not a fallen star and this is how you contain yourself until you can get back up into the sky?”

You’re my northern star. I always follow you to find my way home.

My throat suddenly became tight and my heart ached with love and loneliness. The man, as if responding to my own pain, put a hand to his heart. “See, your heart calls out to me even now.”

“How do you know?” I whispered into the night wind.

The man turned to me fully, half serious, half joking. “You’re the princess from the story from earlier. And I’m the forest spirit.”

I shook my head slowly. “How did you…that’s not possible!”

The man giggled musically. “The forest sent me because you were lonely. You all are.”

My heart hurt even more, thinking that my children were lonely because their father wasn’t here with us in this new place. “That’s not true.”

The man put a hand on my shoulder and I felt all the tension and loneliness melt away. Instead, I felt comfort and warmth. “Now it’s not true.”

My eyes felt heavy and before I could realize it, my head dropped and the last thing I remember was my body leaning into the stranger’s shoulder as he hummed a song under his breath. It sounded like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. 

I jolted awake the next morning when the door slammed open behind me. “Mama!” Mathieu yelled at me, “Why are you sleeping outside?”

I blinked rapidly, dazed and confused. What had happened? I came outside because I couldn't sleep and--

“There’s a star in this sky around this time of year that we call the lonely star.”

I shook my head. I had to have dreamt that. "Mama couldn't sleep, love," I replied, standing up with a groan.

"Mama, can I have eggs?" Mathieu asked politely, small hand clinging to my pant leg.

I smiled painfully. "Only if I can find the frying pan."

The morning was a bit of a mess. Mathieu  cried in frustration when I couldn't make his eggs the way Papa made them. Seongnam scolded his baby brother, saying he should grow up, which only made Mathieu cry harder. I yelled at Seongnam and then his lower lip began to quiver. 

"Come here, loves." I bent down and threw out my arms. Both of my boys came to me and we had a group hug and a small cry together.

Seongnam wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and then Mathieu wiped my cheeks adorably. 

"Now, Mama needs to unpack some more. We don't want the sneezies, so be big boys and find all the windows and throw them all open for your silly Mama, okay?"

Mathieu squealed and ran off to find the first window. Seongnam looked at me seriously for a moment and then bopped my nose with his forefinger. He had seen his father do that to me numerous times and for some odd reason it stopped me from sneezing.

I almost teared up again but kept it together for my oldest. "Thank you, Southern star."

Seongnam grinned at me. "Welcome, Northern Star."

"When you're done with the windows, go play outside with Mathieu, okay?" Seongnam nodded solemnly. "You can go into the forest but only as far as you can still see the house. No farther than that."

"Yes, Mama," Seongnam agreed and then he was gone.

I spent the day unpacking and cleaning our fix-me-up. I noted most of the repairs in a notebook, thinking I could do a lot myself minus the roof. Before I realized it, it was lunch time. I leaned out the kitchen window that looked to the forest and called out the boys' names. Soon, they were running out of the forest, squealing and giggling. 

"Mama!" Mathieu practically threw himself into my arms. "We made a new friend!"

"Did you say good morning to some bunnies like the princess?" I asked, burying my face into the crook of Mathieu’s neck.

"Noooooo," he giggled, pushing away my face. "It's the forest spirit like in your story!"

My stomach dipped and my hold on Mathieu tightened. Seongnam must have seen my face fall as well because he came and grabbed my hand. "What's wrong? Didn't you say the forest sent the spirit to the princess because she was lonely?"

My own story was starting to really bite me in the ass. "It was just a story, star."

Seongnam frowned. "No, it isn't. We met him today! He showed us the hollow and the view from the top of the tree!"

I shook my feeling of anxiety and played along with Seongnam. Clearly they really had latched onto my story. I had even dreamt of the story. They were my children after all, they'd be good at playing make believe. 

"Did you get a name for the forest spirit?" I inquired.

"San!" Mathieu declared, throwing his arms up in the air. "He throws me high in the air and I float on toys!"

"Well that does sound like a lot of fun," I agreed.

I settled Mathieu on my hip and started to pull out the ingredients for sandwiches. "Did you nap too? The forest spirit does love a good nap."

"No, San said he wasn't tired because he had a nap with you!" Seongnam answered while he sat at the table.

I tried not to falter at Seongnam’s words. I put Mathieu in his raised chair and started making sandwiches. I had to do something with my hands to stop them from shaking.

"Well, let's make sure the forest sent the same spirit to me as it did to you, huh? What if it's playing a trick on us? Your San, he had short, dark hair? A gray shirt with silly cut outs?"

"Yeah!" Seongnam nodded his head so quickly his glasses fell down the bridge of his nose. "And he had these." And my eldest proceeded to poke both of his cheeks.

Shit, this just got real.

That night, after a story about a car that spoke to its owner, I was outside on my porch quicker than if my ass had been on fire. 

"Forest spirit, who gave you permission to play with MY children?" I hissed into the darkness.

I was met with silence.

"Oh, so now you're playing shy, huh?!" I said, putting my hands on my hips.

“See, your heart calls out to me even now.”

Fine, two could play this game.

I thought of when I met Seonghwa. He had been staring at me in the library for over half an hour and it had been bothering me. So I gathered my bag and books and walked over to his desk and slammed a hand down in front of him, making him jump and yelp in fright.

"How am I supposed to read when I can feel your eyes boring into my back, just between my shoulder blades?" I whispered angrily.

"Actually," Seonghwa blinked up at me. "I was trying to figure out if the barrette under your bun was a shooting star."

I slapped my hand on my shooting star barrette. "Oh. I'm sorry," I apologized lamely.

Seonghwa smiled, crooked but kind. "That's interesting because my name actually means 'to be a star'."

"It doesn't mean anything, it just means I really like stars," I mumbled under my breath. I was embarrassed and I just wanted to get out of here now.

Seonghwa tilted his head flirtatiously. "Then you must like me too."

I sighed and curled a fist over my heart, back in the present. Seonghwa had been sick then but it barely affected him. If I had known… no. I loved Seonghwa fiercely and proudly and I wouldn't give up my sons for the world.

"Hello again, fallen star."

"San--"

San's eyes lit up with excitement. "So they did tell you about me!"

"I've never seen them so happy and glowing in a long time," I said wistfully.

"They just needed to have someone look at them and acknowledge that they are here," San said, nodding his head sagely.

I shook my head. "I don't understand this."

"You don't have to understand it." San leaned back against one of the porch pillars and it creaked.

I stared worriedly at the roof of the porch. "Am I gonna have to fix you too?"

San giggled, the melodic noise dancing through the air. "The house has good bones. It was built from the trees from the forest, freely given."

I pursed my lips. "I don't want more of your gifts."

San cocked his head curiously. "You couldn't sleep. I helped you."

"I'm not a forest spirit, I can't sleep outside without getting cold and stiff," I replied, rubbing a shoulder with one hand.

"You weren't cold!" San frowned, "I kept you warm."

I began to rub my eyebrow. "I don't need any more help."

“Then why did your heart call out to me?”

San’s gaze felt a little too heavy for my liking. “Because I wanted to yell at you.”

“For taking care of the little ones?” San blew a raspberry, “Humans are funny.”

My throat tightened and tears burned my eyes. San was right. I was just as bad as my children, lashing out when I didn’t know who I truly wanted to be angry at. I felt warm hands grasp my upper arm. 

“Do not cry, fallen star,” San reassured me.

I bent my neck so my head could lower. I didn’t want him to see my tears for some reason I could not fathom. “I’m not crying,” I sniffled.

San pulled me in for a hug and the dam broke. All the walls I had up, all the meticulously built support to stay strong for everyone in my life gave out and I began to sob into San’s chest. My face was buried there and his arms were around me and I wept for my life. I wept that I had to make promises I couldn't keep to my children. I wept for my sick husband. I wept that I was tired and sad and neglected--

With tears pouring down my face, San released me and tipped my head back with a finger under my chin. “You are beautiful,” he beamed down at me with such a radiant smile.

My shoulders still shook as my sobs wracked through my body. “I’m not,” I said stubbornly.

“Your heart is beautiful, therefore you are,” San insisted.

And just like that, my heart started beating out of my chest. San seemingly responded, grin only getting wider and bolder. He leaned in and I put a hand on his chest to halt him from getting too close. “Don’t.”

"I just want you to feel loved," San sighed, his warm breath flirting with my lips.

"My husband--"

"Your heart is sick, Nari."

"San, I can't!"

"Then let me."

His lips descended onto mine. He kissed me softly, he kissed me gently, and with kindness that made my heart melt. I was like fragile glass in his hands but he knew exactly how to handle me. His tongue touched my lips and my mouth opened up for him with a groan. It had been ages since I had been kissed this way. Since--

I pushed San firmly back, palms to chest and San let me break the kiss. "No."

San watched me with solemn eyes and said nothing until I reached my door. "You know, while I kissed you, your heart wasn't crying anymore."

The next day we made our first trip to Seonghwa's room at the hospice. I had a buggy attached to my bike and Seongnam had his own bike, training wheels taken off as the last service his father had performed for him.

The boys were so excited to see their father and to tell him about the move. I let them run into his room while the doctor snagged me for a talk. It seemed like the move to the hospice had put quite a lot of stress on Seonghwa’s body.

"Are you saying the move was bad for him?" I demanded incredulously.

The doctor shook his head. "Not at all. We are already seeing the change the air is having on his lungs. His heart, on the other hand--"

And then I heard the word San.

Seongnam was talking animatedly with his hands, that he took after me in regard to. Mathieu bounced on the bed, excited to blurt out his adventures with the forest spirit. And all I could think about was how I had kissed a man other than Seonghwa.

"Thank you, doctor, but I would like to see Seonghwa now." I nodded curtly and then pushed into the room.

“And how is my northern star?” Seonghwa smiled, his eyes twinkling like stars themselves.

“I’m fine, Hwa,” I murmured, pushing my hair behind my ear.

“Your hair is getting long,” He mentioned, rubbing a strand between his thumb and forefinger.

“Mama hates it Papa, but she says it’s for you,” Mathieu blurted out, not truly understanding what he was repeating.

Seonghwa’s smile grew and my cheeks became warm. “Is that so?”

I pulled Mathieu closer to me, avoiding eye contact. I started to absentmindedly comb his hair down. “Well, it’s not like the hairdresser is nearby anymore.”

“Did the doctor say you could come home now?’ Seongnam asked solemnly. 

“I’m sorry,” was all that Seonghwa could offer to his eldest son.

Mathieu bursted out crying at the announcement that Papa wasn’t coming home. Seongnam teared up too and I knew it was time to take them home. I ushered them out before they could exhaust Seonghwa; he needed all the energy he could muster to focus on healing. Except when I turned my head one last time to see Seonghwa, he was crying too. I had to remain strong for the males in my life and not shed a single tear.

The next following days were full of dark clouds, metaphorical and literal. The boys were either silent with their thoughts or burst out in anger. They fought with each other, Seongnam lashing out verbally while Mathieu usually responded physically. 

I had to start sleeping with Mathieu in my bed to keep them separated at night. I slept better, oddly enough, with Mathieu drooling on my stomach as I stroked his hair until he slept.

The day the rain actually started was the same day I left the kids off with the local granny at my house. They promised to behave and listen to Granny but I was still worried. I didn't have much of a choice. My editor demanded I meet her back in the city.

The train into the city came at an ungodly hour in the morning but my appointment with my editor wasn't until late afternoon. I didn't have any friends to meet up with, taking care of Seonghwa for the past couple years had made me out of the loop of their lives and caused it to be awkward. And even once I met up with my editor, she only had bad news.

"Your stories need a new main love interest, Nari," she said, slamming the top of her laptop down with finality.

"What?!" I asked, rubbing my eyebrow.

"It's always a gentle man, with a kind smile and growly voice. The readers need something new to sink their teeth into," My editor insisted.

"How about an infuriating man who insists that he knows your heart better than you do and kisses you because of that," I grumbled under my breath.

My editor's eyebrows shot into her fringe. "That's perfect, actually, are you working on something I don't know about?"

I opened my mouth and closed it. I had said that flippantly, thinking of San, I hadn't meant that seriously. "I was kidding!"

My editor gave me a look that said she didn't believe me. "Well, if you do work on something, let me know, before you even write a first draft. No use working it all out if it's just a copy and paste of the last one."

I was dismayed to see that the rain was still going strong as I made my way home. The grayness of the day suited the way the day had gone but I felt like I needed some sunshine to brighten up my day. Alas, that didn’t seem like it was going to happen. The rain and the wind picked up so suddenly that once I walked off the train, the wind pulled my umbrella into a dance amongst the sky and left me at the mercy of the rain. 

I rode my bike from the station, cursing the dark country roads. What was my editor thinking? A love interest like San? My readers would be outraged. They love my characters who always ask if they can kiss their beloved. They love the men who point up at a shooting star and then give a reason to put their arm around their beloved. They loved the love interests who kissed their pregnant wife's protruding belly, promising to be there for all of the unborn baby's life--

I squinted but the light coming from my bike was barely helping, and with the rain continuously and relentlessly whipping into my face and my glasses, I was bound for a crash. It happened almost instantly, my bike barreling into the ditch and sending me over the handlebars. I braced for impact and should have hit the ground hard, or a tree for that matter, but all I heard was an ‘oomph’. 

"That's not how you fly, fallen star."

"I wasn't trying to fly, San!" I cried out in frustration and anger.

"Could have fooled me," San chuckled.

I was cradled in the forest spirit's arms, one arm under my back and the other under my legs. "Put me down."

San jutted his chin out in the direction of my bike. "You're not getting home with that anymore."

My bike was a mangled mess, the chain broken and a wheel bent. How much could I have hurt myself if not for San catching me? What would have happened to Seongnam and Mathieu? Angry tears began to fall down my cheek. Why did life have to be so hard right now?

"I can help you get home," San murmured. 

"Are we going to float on toys?" I asked sarcastically, recalling what Mathieu had said.

"No." San began to climb out of the ditch, water running down his hair and down his face, eyes forward and determined. "Cat bus."

"Cat bus," I said with disbelief. "There are no buses around here, San," I deadpanned.

"Cat bus only reveals itself to people in need," San replied. 

"This is ridiculous," I muttered under my breath. 

San stood in the rain at the side of the road, without letting my feet touch the ground, like he expected something to pull around the corner--I jolted when two beams of light turned the corner of the road.

"Shut up," I whispered.

A bus in the shape of a cat with many legs ran to us. It had tiny rat's eyes as its red lights and it--it truly was a Cat Bus. San put us both on the bus and it ran across the hills and leapt over the forest and before I realized it, I was screaming. Not in fear, but in exhilaration. The speed raced through my veins and made me feel alive. 

San lifted me once more when we arrived at my fix-it-up house and only put me down as he said, "My princess, your castle."

"Were you listening at the window when I told them that story?!" I demanded.

San simply shook his head like I was the silly one. "Of course not. The wind carries your stories to me. But more importantly, your children believe that you're the princess in that story. They believe that I was sent here so that you're not so lonely now that Papa is sick. They don't even think of themselves when they play with me. They are always thinking of you."

"Thank you for today," I said instead.

"Your heart called for me and I answered," San said simply.

I entered my house, soaking wet and instantly scared to death as Granny shouted at me. "There you are!"

My heart fell to my stomach at the look of worry on Granny's face. "Are my boys okay?!"

"They're fine--but Seonghwa!"

My legs gave out on me. Here I was, having an unbelievable experience with San and my Seonghwa was suffering. "What?"

"The hospice sent someone an hour ago!" Granny held my hands between her own. "Seonghwa's heart is weak. They want you and the boys there, in case--"

"Oh, God."

We rushed to the hospice, Granny calling her son to bring us in his UTV. I had Mathieu on my lap and Seongnam clutched to my side the entire ride. I didn't say a word to either of them but I think they knew exactly what was happening. They didn't know what this truly meant but it was like we had all been bracing for impact, like I had been when I fell off my bike. I winced. I don't think San could save us from this. 

The nurses and the doctors rounded up the children and allowed me to go into Seonghwa's room first. 

"Hwa," I whimpered. 

He looked so fragile in his bed with all the wires attached to him and the machines beeping. He even had an oxygen mask over his face. And yet he still managed to smile at me. "How's my Northern Star?"

"Park Seonghwa," and then I started to cry. 

I lied on the bed and sobbed because I was terrified to even touch him. Seonghwa's fingers ghosted the top of my head, the most he could reach. "Don't cry, Nari. I love you."

"I love you too!" I sobbed. "You promised when I was carrying Seongnam that you would be with us forever."

"Nari." I sat up but it only made it worse. Seonghwa was crying, biting down on his bottom lip in an attempt to stop it from quivering. "I don't want to go either."

The tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face, and down my chin and down my neck. "You were supposed to get better."

"The doctor's tried their best," Seonghwa insisted, swallowing his tears. "The boys?"

"They…" I began to shake my head, "No, they can't see you like this, Hwa."

"Nari." I winced. Seonghwa rarely used his no-nonsense voice towards me. 

I wiped my tears away as quickly and as best as I could and turned to leave. I gathered up Mathieu in my arms and took Seongnam's hand wordlessly.

"Mama?" Mathieu said my name like he was terrified.

"We need to have a family meeting," I said.

"I don't want to have a family meeting," Seongnam whimpered.

"We have to," I insisted and then re-entered Seonghwa's room.

Seonghwa shakily pulled off his oxygen mask. I heard the nurse begin to protest but the doctor shushed her. "Come give Papa a kiss," Seonghwa held open his arms to take Mathieu first. 

"Papa," Mathieu whimpered. He gave a large smacking, wet kiss to Seonghwa's cheek. "Why do you look like a robot?"

Seonghwa smiled shakily. "Because they're turning me into one."

"Papa!" Seongnam really couldn't take his father's silliness, just like me. "Be serious."

Seonghwa patted the bed and Seongnam let go of my hand and went to his father. "I am serious, southern star."

Seonghwa was the one that told the bedtime story tonight. He spun a tale of a boy who was born with a heart that was too big and lungs that were too small. The boy had a long journey to find the wizard, and along the way he met two stars and a tiny cat. By the time the boy got a heart of diamond and lungs of steel, Seongnam and Mathieu were fast asleep. I didn't have the heart to move anyone but the nurse did insist on putting Seonghwa's oxygen mask back over his face. Eventually, they were all asleep and it was just me. 

The doctor made sure that I had all the legal precautions in place for when, not if, Seonghwa's heart finally gave out and that was all I could take for my very, horrible day. I fell asleep, head on the bed, bent over in a chair pulled up to Seonghwa's bed, holding Seonghwa's hand.

🌳🌳🌳

The funeral made me feel like I was the one that passed away. I felt numb. I felt like I was floating. Nothing seemed real. Seonghwa’s happy face was at the front of the church but he wasn't here any longer. Countless people gave me their sympathies and cried but I had no more tears. The last ones I shed were on Seonghwa’s deathbed.

Going home after it all was the worst part. Seonghwa had never seen our house and now he never would. The house would never know of Seonghwa playing with his sons. The house would never hear Seonghwa’s laughter after he embarrassed himself. This house would never hold any memories of my husband and my boys Papa. This truly was a new fresh start for us all.

Everything seemed to be more gray after Seonghwa passed. I was numb for so long, only raising my head above water to take care of the children but the rest of the time my mind was empty and void. I could think of nothing, because if I did, I would break and not be able to provide for my boys.

The boys were devastated for days, I barely heard them play or laugh. They simple went about their days like they were required but I missed the days of hearing them squeal with happiness when I bid them home from the forest for lunch.

Eventually, I had to stop simply raising my head out of the water but to pull my body out completely.

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey," I shouted as I brought down a wooden spoon several times on a pot.

"Mama?" Mathieu rubbed his eyes with his chubby fists.

"Mama!" Seongnam groaned, pulling his blankets over his head.

"The princess is summoning her most championed knights. Her highness has decided that there will be an outing to pick mushrooms and berries and to take a picnic with the forest spirit!" I shouted, leaning over Seongnam's body and making Mathieu giggle.

"Wait, a picnic? In the forest?" Seongnam ripped his blankets off himself and stared up at me. My heart almost broke at how excited he was. 

"San?!" Mathieu screamed in glee and almost fell trying to get out of his bed.

"But first, the finest cooks in all the land have made bacon and eggs. We must consume the royal breakfast in order to leave the castle!" I declared.

After breakfast, I found a pink diaphanous scarf to dramatically throw over my shoulder. Mathieu acquired a bucket as his helm and Seongnam tied two sieves along his shoulders as his armor. My most trusted knights followed me into the forest as we sought out the forest spirit.

I thought about a time right before Seonghwa got very sick. Mathieu was around two, starting to learn how to walk and talk. Seonghwa had gotten sad that Mathieu didn't want to be held by his father as much anymore. So Seonghwa had declared that the floor was poisonous for the entire day and if anyone but an adult touched, they would hate their favorite food. Seongnam and I spent the entire day on our couch, snacking and watching movies. But Seonghwa spent the entire day dutifully carrying Mathieu everywhere his little heart desired. And when we all went to sleep that night, Seonghwa declared it the best day of his life.

"What do we have here?" San stepped out of the dappled forest shade.

Seongnam jumped in front of me, brandishing a stick he had found on the way and Mathieu mimicked him only with a tall flower he had found. "We are the princess' most trusted knights. Are you the fabled forest spirit?"

"Hmmm, depends on who is asking?" San pretended to think about it. "I know two boys who are my best friends. Are you the same knights?" San's eyes danced with amusement as he stared straight at me. 

"San!" Mathieu pushed back his bucket. "It's us!"

San crouched in front of Mathieu. "Oh, Matty! There you are!"

"San?" Seongnam solemnly said the forest spirit's name. 

"Is that you, Seongnam?" San exclaimed.

"Mama has never been to the Hollow." Seongnam's eyes slid to me, as if he felt guilty for never bringing me there.

San slapped his hands to his cheeks in shock. "You're right! How did this escape me?"

"Hollow! Hollow!" Mathieu chanted.

San put his hands under Mathieu’s arm and raised him to sit on his shoulders. San offered one hand to Seongnam, who clung to San's pinky and ring finger. San's other hand went to hold Mathieu’s leg to keep him in place on his shoulders. Seongnam looked up at San and there was hope and a smile on Seongnam's face. Mathieu was still chanting 'Hollow!' when he had been as quiet as a mouse for weeks.

At last San turned to look at me. "Aren't you coming, Princess?" San lifted his eyebrows in question.

I lifted my chin stubbornly and made a small 'hmph!' noise. "A princess leads, she does not follow!"

Mathieu giggled. "You don't know where it is, Mama!" Seongnam insisted, rolling his eyes, just like me.

I felt my heart burst. This moment felt normal. This felt real. I felt present and grounded and truly here. Something I haven't felt since…

"Come back, Fallen Star," San murmured.

"Mama?" Mathieu frowned.

"Mama isn't a fallen star!" Seongnam insisted stubbornly, "Papa always said, she's the northern star, she's how you find home!" 

"She does feel like home, doesn't she?" San tilted his head.

Mathieu clearly didn't understand what was going on so he started changing Hollow again and I knew we had to move on. "Knight Star, lead the way." I motioned towards Seongnam.

"Follow me everyone!" Seongnam shouted.

As we walked, the four of us along the forest path, I wondered if it was possible that life could perhaps be less hard right now. Perhaps my lonely heart, and my son's, had summoned San. Perhaps… perhaps I could go back to being a Northern star; not a lonely star nor a fallen one. Perhaps, I would find love when I wasn't looking for it.

Taglist: @hijirikaww @mingsolo @starlitmark @starillusion13 @flurrys-creativity @stardragongalaxy @k-pop-ology

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

Dancing 'til the break of dawn - Pt11

<Pt10

(TWST Zombie apocalypse AU where Yuu beast tames just a little too close to the sun)

Ace squinted at the apartment in front of them. Yuu decided that this was simply because Ace was an asshole who hated the poor, and not because Ace disapproved of his life decisions. Regardless of what Ace may say, Yuu knew the truth.

“You didn’t have to come,” Yuu pointed out.

“Grim would probably kill me the second you left,” Ace said.

“He didn’t kill Deuce when they were cuddling,” Yuu said, raising an eyebrow.

Deuce flushed red. “Grim crawled over while I was asleep! It wasn’t purposeful!”

Yuu had never said it was. But now he was considering that maybe it might have been. Yuu frowned. His arms were already crossed over his chest, since that was (weirdly) the most comfortable position for his shoulder right now, but he was crossing them a second time in spirit.

Trey also frowned, but it didn’t seem to be due to jealousy: “That’s not good. If you can’t wake up when something touches you, you could get bitten.”

“Which isn’t a problem for us,” Yuu said, quickly, trying to sound more confident about this than he actually was. “Because Grim doesn’t kill me or my friends!”

“Anymore,” mumbled Deuce.

“As long as they’re not girls,” added Ace.

“Shut up!” Yuu said, which might not have been the best comeback, but he didn’t really have one, not in this kind of scenario. It was true, after all. Grim still didn’t allow Yuu to be near female zombies, let alone an actual, live woman. And, while the zombie had mellowed out somewhat with the murdering Yuu’s friends thing, this didn’t change the fact that he had done so at one point.

(Okay, maybe not at one point. It was, probably, closer to at four points. Five, if you count that one time with his family, but Yuu didn’t, that was… different. But the point stands.)

Trey walked up to the entrance. The glass doors had long since been broken, but were recently boarded over by the looks of things. He gave one long, resigned sigh before trying to remove the boards.

No one bothered to help him.

Yuu would love to go back in time. Not to stop the apocalypse or anything, that was impossible he promises. He simply wanted to have a chat with all of those people who used to think that humanity would come together when faced with a horrible threat. Because… no. If anything, they had all gotten a million times worse. Whether that was because all of the ‘good’ people had died off due to their pesky morals, or if the ‘bad’ people were simply more noticeable now that laws were no longer around to protect them, or it was simply impossible to be ‘good’ when under this much stress for this long… Yuu wasn’t sure, to be honest. He was a teenager, not a psychologist. And it wasn’t as if he could poll all of the survivors or anything – he’d die to the aforementioned ‘bad’ people.

Yuu had no intentions of dying anytime soon, he was actually very allergic to dying and he was avoiding an averse reaction like the plague (or, for a more apt comparison, like the plague of zombies that everyone else had to run from). He certainly wasn’t going to die for science. It had been his worst subject in school. Therefore he hates it.

He sighed, his chin coming to rest on top of Deuce’s head. Mostly just to be annoying.

Unfortunately for him, Deuce didn’t seem to mind that much, only bothering to move his bat off of his shoulder, hanging from a lazy hand.

“You need to touch up your dye,” Yuu murmured, poking his friend’s cheek. He will annoy him. If only for the sake of entertainment. “The blue is fading. It’s kinda got a green look to it, now.”

“My hair’s blue?” Deuce asked.

Yuu opened and closed his mouth a few times. He had not been prepared for this kind of situation. Abort mission. He looked around for something else to pay attention to, ignoring Deuce’s elbow digging into his side and increasingly insistent questions.

Aha, right, there were other people. Standing over by the apartment’s entrance. He rushed over to join them, Deuce on his heels.

Deuce immediately grabbed Ace. Mission success! Yuu has managed to pawn off his problems on someone else once again!

“Is my hair blue?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhh,” Ace said, blue-screening. “I’m colorblind!”

Yuu, who had picked out clothes with Ace a mere two days ago, knew this was bullshit. That liar!

Why hadn’t Yuu thought of that?!

Deuce groaned and turned to their two seniors for help, but they seemed preoccupied. Which made sense for Trey, who was trying to break into the complex. But made less sense for Cater, who was simply leaning against the wall, his eyes on the horizon.

Yuu followed his gaze. He found that, if you were tall enough, you could still see the tip of the radio tower’s antenna, poking above the skyline.

Which meant no one but Yuu, Cater, and Trey could see it. Sucks to suck, short people. Try again next time.

Cater didn’t seem to share his sense of humor:

“I didn’t know there were people so close by,” he said, softly.

“This is a great area,” Trey said, the words almost lost as the board under his hand gave way. “The amount of zombies here is surprisingly low.” His eyes flicked to Yuu and Grim. “Er… I guess it’s not surprising anymore…”

“The property value around Yuu is through the roof, yeah,” said Ace, grinning. “If only there was a way to capitalize on this...”

Yuu rolled his eyes. “I can sic Grim on you at any point, you know, don’t get too comfortable.”

Ace grinned, leaning against Yuu’s side, batting his eyelashes. “You can, but you woooon’t.”

“I will if you try and use Grim.”

“Ha! Rejected,” Deuce said.

Yuu snorted. “The same thing goes for you.”

Deuce sulked.

He hesitated, before giving in with a sigh. “Fine, you’re right, I’d probably just beat you up over it. I could never kill you, Deuce.”

“The fuck kinda favoritism is this?” Ace said. “I was your friend first, y’know!”

“Yeah, but Deuce is a sweetheart.”

(Deuce was currently smirking at Ace in a distinctly not-sweetheart way, but it is what it is.)

“I can be sweet!”

Even Trey and Cater looked disbelieving.

Yuu snickered. “The only ‘sweetheart’ you know is those little candy things you can eat.”

“Those are called SweetTarts.”

Yuu frowned. Was that true? Had he been reading the label wrong his entire life?

… no, it was Ace who was wrong, he was sure.

Whatever. He could use this. “Thanks for proving my point.”

Ace scowled, crossing his arms over his chest. “Let’s just get this shit over with.”

Trey gave a tired little laugh, another board giving way. There is a small gap, now, enough for a skinny person to squeeze through, albeit with some effort. Thankfully, this was the apocalypse, so skinny people were not in short supply. They all had muscles, sure, at least on some level, but there wasn’t enough food to go around for them to be anything but lean.

Yuu wondered how the bodybuilders were all feeling these days. Surely not that great.

Oh. What about sumo wrestlers? What happened to those guys?

Hm. On second thought. He wasn’t sure whether he actually wanted to know. He stepped towards the door, intent on literally moving on from that thought, but he was stopped by an arm thrown in his way. He blinked at Trey.

“I need to make sure you guys aren’t bringing any weapons in.”

There was an awkward silence. It wasn’t that they all intended to hurt… whoever Trey thought he was protecting. However, no one was particularly fond of the idea of leaving themselves weaponless in an unfamiliar place while meeting a person they didn’t know.

Granted, they didn’t think that Trey was luring them away to kill them. He could have done so long ago. The cookies he’d given them, in hindsight, could have been poisoned in some way. They shouldn’t be in any danger. But old habits die hard.

This is why Yuu refused to form habits at all! He didn’t care about being searched by Trey. He was weaponless, anyway. That was, like, maybe 10% of the reason they had gone to Cater’s radio station in the first place. So, he let Trey pat him down without complaint. It wasn’t like he had much on him, really.

He did have a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Trey didn’t seem too concerned about this, starting to hand them back to Yuu.

Only for Ace to snatch them away. “YOU SMOKE?! SINCE WHEN?! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!”

“They’re not mine,” said Yuu. His life was just going to be pain and suffering the whole way through, huh?

“That’s what they all say,” Cater pointed out. Whose side are you on, Cater?! Why isn’t it Yuu’s?!

“I mean, sure, but I’m not lying.”

“So, you just have cigarettes in your pocket for fun?”

Yuu pressed his face into his hands.

“He’s telling the truth. They’re mine,” admitted Deuce, looking like he would rather be anywhere else.

If you watched carefully, you could see the exact moment where Ace’s brain struggled to recalibrate.

“Why does he have them then?” Trey asked, genuinely curious rather than outright teasing. It was a nice change of pace. Too bad Trey was problematic.

“Because he’s trying to quit,” Yuu explained, shrugging. “And it’s my job to see whether a situation is stressful enough to ‘justify’ him getting one.”

“Speaking of! I want one! You were shot!” said Deuce, his hand out.

Yuu considered this. And then shook his head. “Nah, your statute of limitations is up.”

Deuce spluttered. “I should’ve asked Ace instead.”

Yuu had never been so offended in his life. How dare Deuce imply he was replaceable? And by Ace no less! “Ace would’ve given it to you whenever you asked!”

“That’s the point —.”

“Nah, I wouldn’t have given him any,” Ace said. “Funnier to see him suffer.”

“Why do all of my friends suck?” Deuce asked, staring at the sky as if it could provide all of the answers he craved. The sky, being the sky, did not relinquish its knowledge so easily.

Ace, however, was happy to answer Deuce, wrapping his arms around him and smushing their cheeks together as he said, “Because you suck, too!”

Deuce scowled, pushing him away, into Yuu, who didn’t really want him, either. But fine, whatever.

Ace was quickly pulled off of him, at least, so Trey could pat him down next. Ace had… a frankly impossible number of knives on him. Yuu had always suspected that Ace would have some ‘cards’ up his sleeves in the case of emergency, but he had never expected quite so many. Of multiple varieties, as well! Yuu counted the butcher’s knife that Ace always carried around. Then, Trey found way too many steak knives duck taped to the inside of his varsity jacket, so he made Ace take it off, only to find two paring knives duck taped to his arms. After that, Trey searched him much more thoroughly, and everyone was both surprised and very much not when his search ended with him finding a switchblade in his left shoe and a butterfly knife in the right one.

“You have a problem,” said Cater, flatly.

Ace, who had been sulking since Trey had thought to search his shoes, stuck his tongue out at him. “Yeah? Let’s see you give up your weapon, then!”

Cater shrugged and walked to the nearest bush, stashing his gun away, seeming to not have a single care in the world.

Yuu, who had been shot by this man not that long ago and was determined to be petty about it until one of them died, called bullshit. But whatever, it wasn’t as if they had no tricks up their sleeves themselves, and as long as Cater didn’t call them on it then… whatever, he could have some insurance, too.

Not that you would know of this silent agreement, looking at Ace. The boy was staring down at the pile of knives at his feet, his carefully curated collected discarded. He was making a good show of looking absolutely devastated. It was, probably, at least partially real. “Really? Can’t I, at least, have a paring knife? They’re dinky little things…”

“I bake, Ace, I know exactly how much damage one of those things can do,” Trey said, shortly.

He turned to Deuce, who tossed his bat to the side, looking reminiscent of an actual baseball player, someone about to run for first base.

Yuu considered the bat on the ground for a moment, before pointedly looking away. He stretched his arms over his head, his sweater riding up for a moment before he sighed and set his arms back down. “Right, that should be everyone.”

“We all good now?” Ace asked, sounding more petulant than Yuu had ever heard him. Which was saying something.

Trey smiled. “Yep! Oh, and the cat stays outside, just for the record.”

Yuu made a dying sound in the back of his throat. Because that is what he was doing. Dying. His emotional support zombie! This should be listed under cruel and unusual punishment. He hadn’t even done anything!

… as far as Trey knew!

Ace grabbed him by the wrist, dragging him over to the hole. “If I had to give up my knives, you have to give up your cat.”

“Those aren’t the same! One is inanimate, the other deserves all of the love and attention in the world! Which I can’t give him, if he’s not with me at all times!”

Cater seemed somewhere between amused and mildly weirded out. “Honestly, I’m not sure whether you or your cat is worse.”

Yuu opened his mouth, and then closed it, struck with a strange dilemma. Yuu, of course, had been perfect since the day he’d been born. But then there was Grim, who was his precious and could do no wrong if he tried. Which was worse?

He pondered this question right up until they opened the door to a ground-floor apartment.

Trey opened the door just a crack, stepping in, explaining to the person on the other side that he had visitors.

And then he let the door swing open wider.

A boy was sitting in the windowsill, a book open in his lap, using the sunlight to read. He was done, now, though, it seemed. He neatly placed a bookmark between the pages and then slipped off of the windowsill. He was tiny enough to be mistaken for a child, if not for the frown lines between his brows. His hair was red, to an unnatural extent – dully, Yuu thought he could give Deuce tips on how to dye his own hair.

The stranger glanced them all up and down for a moment, taking in their slightly grubby appearances. People tried to stay clean, but it just wasn’t an easy thing to do. Unless you’re this nameless guy, apparently, who sat in this tidy little apartment, without a single hair out of place. It felt as if the door had led them into another universe entirely. One that was far nicer. One that smelled of pastries instead of rot. One where water was still in plentiful supply, to the point where using it to clean wasn’t a waste, one where people didn’t chug sodas to make sure they didn’t dehydrate. One where laughs weren’t muffled for fear of being overheard, where grins and smirks were still smiles, where smiles didn’t bely deception.

It was disorienting. He almost didn’t want to step inside.

They didn’t belong in a world like this, not anymore.

“It’s impolite to wear shoes inside,” the stranger said, eventually.

Ace and Deuce sent Yuu smug grins, which he ignored in favor of toeing off his shoes and setting them by the door.

He smiled, lacing his hands behind his back as he stepped through the doorway. The knife Ace had shoved into his waistband pressed against the back of his thumbs. “It’s impolite to scold someone before introductions can take place, too, y’know!”

~~~~~

Pt12>

[goldentigerfestival]

Due to Tumblr's image per post limit, this is the continuation of my dub changes in Vesperia post.

Part 1.

Part 3.

Part 4.

(Other) GTF Favorites.

In the dub this was changed to "I guess I'll have to play by own rules", but this is actually supposed to be Yuri repeating what he told Flynn before he killed Ragou (of course since it has to do with Flynn in some manner they changed it 🤪). Basically, they changed him reflecting on his own words which I just really don't get why they'd change that since it's literally a callback.

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A break here because it's less directly a translation note and more a very large grievance of mine. I am also terrible at explaining things in only a bit of text, so... yeah.

See how much plot I skipped over here because nothing was heavily changed? This is what I mean when I say a LOT of it has to do with Flynn. A lot of the time when he's not around/saying anything/being talked to or about, the translation itself (barring Yuri's vocal tone, and Raven and Karol are much more lively in JP) is mostly on point with very few alterations (there are definitely some, but nothing really important in a lot of cases).

We go this long with things being pretty much fine (minimal changes and nothing important or glaring), but right as Flynn is brought back into the picture, things start going haywire with Yuri's dub again, only to eventually end up at the Nordopolica port scene that was completely botched and torn apart.

The thing is, I can understand why a person might not notice it if they've only played/heard the dub. Coming off of JP audio/context though, (at least for me) it comes off as "why did they make these changes that often paint him in a worse light", i.e. the tonal/contextual changes perceive him more negatively than the original, which I can't fathom why a loc team would do that unless it was intentional, which is a whole can of worms in itself (and again, especially when chunks of the translation are perfectly fine when he's not involved).

Whether or not it changed your personal perception of Flynn when dealing with him (at any point in the story) I don't know, but coming off the JP side, it feels like there was an intention/motivation to make Flynn be perceived more negatively (again, due to both tone/context). It's like Yuri was used as the vessel in the dub to create this negative vibe around Flynn as a character (or, in a sense, to make the player view him negatively through Yuri as the lens - the main character we're supposed to be rooting for), which also sucks doubly because they're supposed to be closer than that.

Again, I don't know what went on in that loc room, but I do know the original did not treat Flynn this harshly. Again! You may not notice it just from the dub by itself, or you may. What I'm saying is that, looking at all the original context and hearing the original audio, Flynn is treated completely differently (I'm not just talking about Yuri himself, but this sort of pull for the audience that the dub seems to have), and everything comes across for him as worse from the get go upon meeting him.

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As previously mentioned in the last post, if the subtitles just copied the exact same thing the dub said, I left them out as it defeats the purpose of these posts.

Would also like to preface this by saying this particular conversation was not particularly off the rails in what got changed. It's mainly just interesting things worth noting between the two versions.

I'd like to get a little more literal with this one. The dub kinda stuck flair into it (that imo takes away from how heavy the plain original sentence is), but Yuri more specifically says the law is always on the side of those in power. This is a bit different than saying the laws are tools of whoever happens to hold all the chips. I wouldn't say the localization here is necessarily wrong, but I find that it's more powerful to say the law is just an ally of people in power, because that's the truth of what they're going through.

Saying "all the chips" implies more that it's one person at the top (Alexei in this case). Not everyone in power can have "all the chips". The law can, though, be used to aid anyone in enough power to twist things.

That said, again, I don't think the dub's version is necessarily an incorrect thing to say (especially since Alexei does hold all the chips technically and is manipulating everything, but in the more literal JP sense it's not what's being said here), but I find that the implication of (current) law only existing to aid powerful people means more. It gives more of a variety to me in its meaning, and basically more properly conveys that laws are made by the powerful for the powerful. Hence, in this case, why Yuri isn't taking to the law. The current laws were not made for people like him, nor to defend people like him or the innocent civilians.

So this one is a bit trickier to translate into English, but essentially, what Yuri is saying here isn't about dying ("sorry you have to die today"), but rather sort of the inverse. He's basically saying, you would save their life only to tell them to just bear it (the suffering) for now and that [Flynn] will someday rectify the issue causing them to suffer.

In other words, he's basically telling Flynn he can't watch as people continue to get trampled over while [Flynn] works to fix things. Sort of like, you'll save their life but leave them to continue to bear/put up with the suffering in the meantime until things get better. You'll save their life, but they'll still continue to suffer while you're working to fix things.

For me this one holds more weight than the dub. "Go on hurting people" is a lot less extreme than hurting people until they die, which is what was at risk of happening in Mantaic. Yeah, of course he cares about the repetitive harm, but them being pushed around until they die is even worse, and he knows that's exactly how far this has all gone (and he saw it happen at Heliord, also with Cumore. Basically, Ragou and Cumore both saw others as nothing but playthings to be used until they die, which can further emphasize Yuri's decision to decide they needed to die because all they would ever do is continue causing innocent people to die).

Not too much of a change, but Yuri is mentioning how people will be oppressed by such villains, rather than victimized. Bit of a different meaning! You can be a victim, but it doesn't mean you're necessarily being oppressed.

This is Flynn's response to Yuri telling him, "I'm not choosing. I've already chosen" (to dirty his hands).

This is basically along the lines of "so this is how you do it?" This is a callback to Yuri saying he'll do things his own way (and this turning out to be his way). With the existing context I'd translate this to something like, "so this is your way of doing things?"

First one, just to note, is him just saying "you", which obviously sounds stupid in English, but it's more reflective of saying "you..." in response to Estelle saying she won't go back to the castle. It's sort of like saying "you... (won't even after this?)". They changed this to "hey...", which I'm guessing is because they weren't sure how to translate just "you". Personally, I'd just translate this to "you..." as a trailed off sentence (i.e. adding ellipses for proper language tone).

Second one is actually a really unfortunate loss that is trickier in translation. This is the same thing she says and does to him after they fight Zagi off at the castle (which is not the case in the dub between these two scenes).

Unfortunately this is partially because the term can technically be translated various ways (it doesn't literally mean "nice to meet you" as there's a completely different phrase for that, but this is often translated to that which is what happened in the dub). She was basically telling him at Zaphias to please take care of her (i.e. she was in his care to get out of the castle). He asked what she was holding her hand out for, to which she says "it means, please take care of me". More literally, it's asking for a favor (sometimes you'll see this translated as something like "looking forward to working with you" and so on. Again, various ways to translate it).

Here, she does the exact same thing she did back then when she tells him she won't be returning to the castle. She's telling him "it" (what she's doing, holding her hand out) means "please take care of me", i.e. she's once again in his care (or, again, also "looking forward to working with you" as in I plan to continue to work with you despite this), i.e. she will be continuing to travel with him, cementing that she truly means she's not going back and that him killing Ragou and Cumore isn't coloring her opinion on him. By telling him the exact thing she told when they were leaving the castle, she's telling him she's still entrusting her safety to him (despite knowing he's "a killer" now, in difference to that he wasn't back then).

Again, the dub changed this term when they met to "it means, nice to meet you". Not that I don't get why they did it and it still realistically makes sense (but Estelle in JP does not say はじめまして, i.e. hajimemashite, which is literally "nice to meet you", so the intention behind it was different and was possibly written with the intention of the later callback, which is meant to say Estelle is still entrusting her safety to someone who views himself as a killer and has actually killed. It's supposed to have more impact/weight to it, which is unfortunately lost in the dub).

I'd say it's more common that that phrase is translated that way, if only because in English, we don't usually use phrases like "please take care of me"/"I'm in your care/looking forward to working with you". In this case the dub change does make sense, and it's primarily an unfortunate loss of difference in language. She's basically telling Yuri that she still trusts him and the statement is (likely) meant to make him feel better.

Yuri uses slightly harsher language here, basically calling the decision to cut off the route unlikable, bad or even disgusting (versus who do they think they are).

As some of you know I've already made the Nordopolica port scene its own entire post because the dub was that fucking bad. It completely skewed the perspective of Yuri's real emotions and how hard the whole thing was hitting him. If you want to give it a read, I've detailed everything already so I won't be doing that in this post as well and am just linking it here.

For this post I just put what I found to be the most jarring, unnecessary and conversation-tone changing part in this scene contextually (as I obviously can't use vocal tone here, but that's why I linked the video!). To put it simply for this post, Yuri wants Flynn to answer him and is expressing that. He's not treating this conversation like he's got all the answers. He's not shoving it in Flynn's face that he isn't answering back. He wants him to. This isn't a one sided smackdown conversation. It's Yuri trying to get answers but also to get Flynn to see and understand that he can't be doing this. Meanwhile, Yuri's voice is cracking the longer he goes on talking (and his voice only cracks a few times in the whole game, but when it does, he's extremely emotional).

Here, Rita is fully siding with Yuri and expressing that basically, she doesn't think people would blame him/have a problem with it. It comes across a bit differently than her dub counterpart, which seems more detached and only based with reasoning. Like Estelle earlier, she's kind of sticking in a means of making Yuri feel better in her own way and expressing her trust in his decisions.

In the dub she says, "though the severity of the crime may differ, there's no such thing as someone suspected without cause". It doesn't hold the same weight imo, and I'm not sure why they added "severity of the crime", when Ragou and Cumore's crimes were both horrendous and murderous (they were just done in different ways, but they both would've resulted in death if Cumore's plans hadn't been stopped both times. Ragou's actions had already gotten people killed by the time he was found out).

Suspected with cause, sure, puts Yuri in the right, and I don't think this one is extremely out there or anything, but I definitely feel that the emotional attachment/trust aspect of it between Rita to Yuri was lost. Her wording here is more of a Rita way of trying to make him feel better.

The dub mentions Flynn using extreme measures, whereas here Yuri is calling it unlikable/unwanted/unpleasant/etc. It adds to how he's feeling about the situation, and how he's seeing Flynn progressively worsen his tactics and expressing that he doesn't like it. "Using extreme measures" doesn't have any emotional attachment or any personal opinion attached to it, which imo is partially the point here with the original text.

The dub goofed here. They had Patty ask if Don met him/Aifread somewhere recently, but they all know Aifread is "dead" and has been. She was supposed to be asking if she herself had met Don before, which is a hint to her being Aifread and having personally met Don before, hence her having this feeling she's already met him.

Don can't tell because she's a child now because of the curse (and it's possible if he thinks Aifread is a man that he never directly met Patty, instead having met Seifer, but Patty may have been there and saw Don herself at some point). This is why Don isn't sure if he's ever actually seen Patty before and can't say, versus the extremely odd "can't rightly say (if I've seen Aifread recently who we all know is and has been dead)".

Not sure why the dub changed this to him going after Karol when he specifically mentions going to where Don is, but... yeah, that happened.

Dub changed this too slightly. Not sure why other than they thought it sounded weird, but... it doesn't lol.

Raven calling Harry an idiot was changed to "like hell you are", and him saying goodbye was changed to "it's been fun". Minor changing, but I figured since a lot of this scene got altered in some way that I'd add these.

THIS one is the one I hate the most in this scene right next to them changing Yuri's dialogue. The dub changed this to him saying "Whitehorse", indicating a distance in their relationship and a power dynamic that still exists between them on Raven's end even in Don's final moments despite how close they are.

In the original they're on a first name basis in Don's final moments, and Don clearly doesn't care or feel offended by this, indicating closeness between them. Raven doesn't just respect Don, but sees him as a friend and a companion and is letting that be known so Don can at least hear that before he dies.

No idea why the dub changed that. Changing which name Raven uses here really changes the entire vibe of their dynamic, and not for the better.

All Yuri literally says is here "I'll do it" when Don asks for a second. He says nothing about honor in being the one to slice off Don's head, and saying that very much conflicts with how he feels after doing it. I get the feeling the dub was trying to go with the idea that it was honorable to help Don in his final moments, but I'm not so sure it's honorable to slice off the head of the most respected man in Dahngrest, and much less when it's weighing Yuri down afterward.

Yuri also gives a kind of resigned "I'll do it because nobody else is stepping up" voice. I get the feeling the dub wanted to try to make him sound cool here (and that really seems to be the general idea of what they were doing overall with Yuri), but if nothing else the scene itself was... very much opposite of cool.

This entire line got left out of the dub (or just replaced outright with the line about Patty) in the DE version and I'm not sure if that was a bug or not because it was present in the 360 version ("but what about Karol...?"), but basically in the dub Estelle goes from talking about Rita and Patty to Yuri saying "I said he'll be fine". Not really a translation issue, but I think it's possibly a bug/glitch in the dub that yeeted a line so I figured I'd add it here while passing by it.

Another case of the dub just adding random lines in for no reason. Really don't know why they did that here. She never said anything about that being weird and is only asking it in a "why would you say that" sense.

This is actually more along the lines of calling someone an idiot/a fool, but the dub just slapped on a "geez" and moved along, as it does (honestly not sure why the subtitler put that line here).

Here Yuri doesn't say her answer will "decide her fate". He just says depending on her answers that they may not be able to forgive her.

"Not very honest" was changed to "you're a slippery one" in the dub. Another instance of I'm not sure why they changed it, because at least to me they don't really mean the same thing? I guess in a sense they could, but it's still a weird change to me.

While this is a bit of a smaller case, it's little things like these that add up with Yuri. Here he's not saying he doesn't want to disappoint Phaeroh if he wants to fight, he's just saying if he's going to do it (fight them), then it can't be helped (implying they will fight back). The dub tends to stick in a lot more aggressive attitude with Yuri and make him way more pushy than he is.

Part of this also sort of includes my opinion but this is also my blog and I want to talk about it.

Here Karol was saying Yuri needs to be punished too for the guild. The dub pointedly leaves his awkward agreement out and just has him say "well..." as if he doesn't agree with it and/or is just going along with it not to argue. Here, Yuri is basically saying "w-well, yeah" or "w-well yeah, I guess". In other words, he understands Karol's reasoning and sees why Karol thinks he should be punished with himself and Judith. He may not like it, but he can see where he's coming from.

Leaving out his agreement just makes it sounds like he's no good at taking responsibility or understanding someone's reasons for him needing to be punished (which is now a running theme for him, since in the original he also was understanding about Flynn's response at Nor to his smalltime crimes, which the dub also made him sound annoyed about instead of understanding). It comes across as part of this aggressive, attitude driven demeanor he has in the dub, as if it makes no sense to punish him when he's done things for the good of others (which does not fit his character all and he's willing to take responsibility for everything he's done, but in the dub, suddenly not this? When it's about their guild?)... when Judith was doing exactly the same thing, and yet he was saying earlier to Karol that even though she did that, she did break their guild laws, i.e. it was for the good of others, but she still did it so they need to figure out what to do with her. Both of them were doing things for the sakes of others and not telling anyone about it, and Karol is punishing them equally for it.

Simply having "well..." gives off this vibe of "well I don't agree but I don't want to argue either", but imo the tone also gives off this vibe of "but also I kinda do want to argue it", versus his actual admittance/acceptance done in a way that's actually fitting to his character.

Yuri doesn't say Karol is full of surprises, he outright calls him amazing.

You could also read this as "this is kind of a strange place, isn't it". The dub, uh, changed this to "Man... this is amazing!". Yeah. I don't fuckin' know, guys.

Continuing in the next part due to the image limit!

[missamyrisa2]

How about this: you meet up to tickle a handsome man, but instead He says he wants to switch roles. He ties you down spread eagle and eyes your tummy, hips and thighs. How does that cute (or steamy) session go?

Mmmmmh~ I kind of love this soooo much~<3

I love to give tickles, it really is my love language. Buttttt~ I will always be a ticklee at heart so my soul just dances and skips and falls apart into sparkly giggles at the thought of someone turning the tables like that ~

"Nnnnnnh okayyyyy okay okay okay okay okayyy see but, I'm kind of possibly maybe ticklish and I can't help but notice you have the tickler eyes yeahhhh you know there's the tickler smile? No? Okay the tickler smile is when you can see the tickly intenttttttt and it's really similar to what people get mmmhhh when they see something really cute or they're enjoOoOoying someone's bashfulness likeeee girls really get that smile when they're playing with a guy's beautiful hair hair hair hairrrrr or if someone is playing with a kitten Sooo the tickly intent can also show up in the eyes which is what I see now and yeeeeeee that's okayyy okayyy myyy hippppsss I'm a hippie you're in my hip dips that's a thing hip diiiips~!!" I stammer through explanations as if they could ward off the giggles and gasps as my tickler bears down on my highly sensitive midsection.

The extremities on my body are in full protest, arms yanking uselessly on the bonds ~ my biceps are almost a joke of a prospect, flexing and twitching while doing absolutely nothing to help the ticklish situation. My legs are quivering threads, entirely pointless as my hips are being made to buck through slow concentric circles of his thumbs. Those little bones have made their way out of the top of my shorts, just inviting so much attention. I blurt out nonsensical explanations of what I'm currently feeling~ "and the twiiiistttt that's a twist seeee my hips are doing it we're dancing soooo you can stop tickling there's no tickling in the vanilla chocolate strawberry twiiiistt!!" My words turn from babbling to near soundless squeaks when those skilled fingers migrate inward, capturing my belly from either flank ~ always that line from the hips to tummy does me in ~ my navel is a twitching protestor, both begging for attention and jumping in outrage at the tickly inquisition forming all around my tum ~ I shake my head, hair a complete mess now, the stray threads tickling my own neck and upper chest which I certainly call out and beg him to move them aside. He does not, and the tickles travel around my navel like a scurrying relentless set of tickle bots whose only purpose is to keep me in this fluffy silly prison for eternity~

And then it gets oooh so much worse ~ those wicked fingers start tracing my beltline, working down the happy trail to my waist back and forth. The most dreaded maneuver starts and I find words through my squeaking gasps ~ "Nnnnhh don't dooo it nooo hookiesssss that's not a hooky zone you can't glide thereeee I'm gonna mmmhh I'll tease you to bitss for thissss you don't even know I'm a world famous teeeheheeaserrrr nnhhh not thteree!!!" I beg and plead and slip a snickermoan as his finger indeed performs the waist hook, slipping right under the line of my shorts and glides back and forth from hip to hip. The sensation of having my bottoms invaded is bad enough, and the tightness of the fabric keeps his finger snug to my skin~ not to mention his proximity to the most dreaded of sensations and my most silly awful kink~ the tickly teasy intent rises in both his eyes and smile~ the touch, and then the comments. His other hand is gently touching the flower shaped buckle on my belt, his mouth is commenting about it. It's all fuzz in my ears now, the tickles at my waist the knowing words, that damned curious touch ~ I hear myself giggling, gasping, saying a string of words that makes no earthly sense. He continues, talking about the cuteness of the accessory, that it really looks adorable on me and loves that I wore such an outfit for him. I can't take the supposedly innocuous commentary, and he knows it. I'm throwing my head back, a blushy pile now. Rocking my hips, bucking and twisting. But the touches and the comments and the tickles never cease~

Not until I'm completely fuzzy and writhing in my bonds, barely responding to the touches and words ~ at least until, I feel my thighs quivering. "Nnnhh...sthhhppp not thereeee sooo not theree~" I whimper, and quickly stop my pleading, arching in a huge giggly moan when he takes a single finger to tap on the buckle ~ admonishment, tease, and warning all in one motion. I take my thigh tickles in good nature, trying to keep my legs open and still. He smirks and those fingers wiggle up and down exploring freely my trembling muscles. I'm a gasping mess, giggling and groaning and stifling my begs taking all that taunting sensation. The fingers gliding on that skin sends my toes curling, my body was already wanting and now this puts me over the top. And he finally acknowledges my princess part ~ that swollen mound in my shorts aching and begging for attention all through this session. With a click, my favorite ~ the magic wand ~ kicks to life and he wastes no time bringing it right to my death spot through the thick material of the shorts and dainty fabric of my panties. The dual layer of trembling sensation has me gigglemoaning desperately in an instant ~ which is why he only lets the wand graze and lightly kiss my royal area.

"Commmmeeee onnnnn let me gigglecummmm I've sooo earned iitttt right? all those dances with youuuu I think I promised you teases right? That's like a hhuuuundred dollar valueee to someoneeee maybee? I dunno I do it for free maybe I should charge heyyyy like let's setup premium packages you and I we'll go into businessssss just nnnnh let meee giggledrop firewooorksss!!"

My words sail into the distance past his unwavering teasing form. The wand bounces and jumps from spot to spot keeping me guessing with varying speeds in the vibrations. His fingers continue to torment my thighs, occasionally breaking to tease a hip or my navel or readjust my belt with a taunt which never fails to make me gasp out madly. And the buzzing never quits, never allows me up over the edge ~ only to visit, to briefly glimpse what it might be like to tumble into that golden kingdom of freely flowing giggledrops ~ and then it pulls back, leaving my shorts all strained and throbbing, how silly ~ while I'm tickled all through the edge with those masterful wiggly fingers~

And supposedly we're going all night~ maybe that's what he said, or I said. It's all fuzzies from here~

[that-wildwolf]

Tea as metaphor for love? Oh do tell! *so into this*

OH BOY okay get ready for this because I've been waiting to nerd out about this for SO LONG

Sorry it took me so long to answer, but I had to take a while to organise my thoughts on this because I have so many!!!! So here's the theme of tea in Edge of Yesterday and how it symbolises love and affection for Shepard, Garrus, and mostly Hannah.

First, laying out the land AKA the story and the characters. The story can be divided into three acts:

act 1, where Shepard is juxtaposed with a past she doesn't remember (and grows to resent as time goes by). This part is essentially an ongoing crisis for her (and, though to a lesser degree, for Garrus), where they just get worse and worse until things inevitably reach their breaking point. There are several main character POVs along the way, but Shepard, Garrus, and Hannah come up most often.

act 2, where Shepard is mentally in a better place and is getting the help she needs, but has to deal with the repercussions of everything she did during act 1. After she drove nearly everyone away, act 2 is filled with loneliness. The setting of the large bustling city feels empty now, and Shepard and Garrus are the only two remaining main characters. This part focuses mostly on fixing their relationship, and showing Shepard's willing to change and get better.

and act 3, which leads into the ending and focuses mostly on advancing the plot, as well as Shepard's confrontation with her past. This one's... a work in progress.

The theme of tea — which means more the act of offering tea to someone than drinking it for the purpose of this post — comes into play largely during act 1 and as a narrative device, helps with the shift between act 1 and act 2.

Here's where the characters are at: When Shepard was a little kid, her mother would give her peppermint tea when she was upset, so she has learned to connect that taste (and the act of Warm Bevarage™) to familial love and acceptance. But then Shepard grew up and she and her mom drift apart and lose all the closeness they had when she was younger. This changes after Shepard dies. Especially during ME3, the two of them grow close again, and though they're both kind of emotionally repressed still, they're getting there.

So Hannah is now close with her daughter and wants to work on their relationship and put in that effort, but Shepard has effectively reverted to who she used to be. She doesn't trust that her mother has good intentions, so she's more likely to reject that love and affection. That's where Garrus comes into play. He and Hannah have just spent several months together, and have learned to trust each other. All that potential love Hannah has for her daughter she can give to Garrus. And Garrus, who is about just as emotionally repressed as Shepard, is looking for connection right now. He's all alone on an alien world, has no idea if his family is alright or even alive, and has just lost the person he loves.

Garrus wants someone who would be there for him now that Shepard isn't, but he would never seek that out on his own. And Hannah is hurting but also willing to do the heavy lifting in her relationship with Shepard — and has grown to care about Garrus over the last year.

This is where we reach the first breaking point, the chapter Hoping. When Shepard and Garrus inevitably meet and kind-of-sort-of talk, both of them get hurt and both of them try to deal with it how they can. After Tali's well-meaning but ill-timed advice in Hurt, Garrus decides that the best way to forget his pain is to get very drunk, and Shepard, after getting a panic attack as soon as she made it home, calls her mom.

Hannah comes by to find Shepard completely stressed out and panicked, angry and sad and her emotions all over the place — and the first thing she does is offer to make her a cup of tea. This is what she's always done to calm her down, and it's her way of showing support and love. Shepard initially accepts — she instictively, deep inside, wants to feel some support and affection in a situation where it seems like she's completely alone — but when things become to real for her to handle, she ultimately rejects Hannah's well-meaning support.

Now everyone is hurting, but Hannah does one last thing. Even though her affection has just been rejected by Shepard, she worries about Garrus. In the next chapter, when Hannah brought Garrus home to take care of him, the first thing she does is make him a cup of tea just like she did with Shepard in the previous chapter. Garrus at that moment becomes essentially a second chance for her to do something good. Like Shepard, he's close enough with her that she's protective of him like she would be of her own child. Like Shepard, he's been hurt and she extends her affection and support to him, and offers him a cup of tea. Unlike Shepard, he accepts that love.

Tea comes up a few more times over the next few chapters, but only between Garrus and Hannah. After Shepard had refused that cup of tea, her relationship with her mother has grown more distant again — the exact way she had perceived it to be. A self-fulfilling prophecy, in a way. So while the theme of tea isn't gone completely, it's out of Shepard's reach. Even when she and Garrus more or less start getting along again in Find My Way Home, they go out for coffee instead.

Tea comes up again two more times: once at the very end of act 1, and once at the beginning of act 2. The first act ends with Shepard in the hospital again and, more importantly, with Garrus blaming himself for it. But just when he thinks he's alone in this, Hannah shows up by his side with words of encouragement and a cup of tea. He goes to see Shepard immediately after that.

 After the timeskip at the beginning of act 2, tea comes up one last time. Despite everything she'd gone through, Shepard is now going to therapy and slowly but steadily getting her life back on track. A peaceful scene: Shepard is now at home, alone, making some tea for herself. After starting to heal and beginning to accept herself (and, to a small degree, also her past), she's comfortable with herself. She finally is in a place where she has love to give.

And when Garrus comes by in that same chapter, the first thing she does is offer him a cup of tea.

OKAY there it was, a very chaotic very quickly written rambly meta post about my own fic. Thank you so much for enabling me @wingsy-keeper-of-songs this has been burning a hole in my brain for sooooo long

also idk fic link here in case this was confusing and you had no idea what the hell im talking about lmao [Edge of Yesterday | AO3]

[sweetestpopcorn]

Hello 😄

Here I have not read the GRRM books but at the end of game of thrones I became interested in the Targaryen family. I read several things on the internet and then your story which is incredible. However there is a question that I ask myself, why rhaenys and corlys supported rhaenyra? She insulted them and laenor with her bastards. Is it only because their granddaughters rhaena and baela are daemon's daughters? Or there is an another reason? Especially since in addition there are rumors that say that daemon would have killed laenor. I'm sorry if that seems like a silly question. But as reading your story the reason why the velaryons support rhaenyra is well explained. I was wondering if this was also the case for the books so since you seem to be an expert on this period I allow myself to ask you.

Good luck, I can't wait to read your next chapter !

Hi there 🤗

Hum... if you want I would suggest you read "The World of Ice and Fire" just because of the amazing artwork <3 and the condensed version of the story which I think it's still enough for a very good understanding, though "Rise of the Dragon" is coming out later this month so that might also be worth it <3 it's only about House Targaryen. Ahhh I'm PRAYING for some good artwork because I need something good this year to lift my spirits!

About your question, I don’t like to call myself an expert on anything (my particular field of work teach us a LOT of humility (and imposter syndrome)), but I can say I maybe have spent more time reading and writing about this time period than most people -> anyone of you funny people brings out my word count and I’m blocking! I am kidding -> so I will do my best to answer you 🤗

We are never told directly but it's very clear they did so because Rhaenyra had been Laenor's wife (on paper), and their children were for all intents and purposes Laenor's children (on paper). 

Now to elaborate a bit on this, Laenor and Rhaenyra were terrible at best at pretending to have a functional wedding and a "Do you think everyone and their dogs is stupid AF?!" at worse. To avoid any confusions on anyone's part there is no mention whatsoever in the books that they had a bedding ceremony, even because Laenor left mid celebrations and left (haha double left) everyone wondering if the marriage had been consummated - very (very!) safe to assume it never was. In the meantime they spent their time apart (sorry y'all they weren't friends or besties watching each other's backs), and Rhaenyra spent all her time with Harwin Strong. For context she married in 114 AC - we don't know the month - and by the end of the year she had given birth to Jace. Moreover, his sisters were her favourites :) So besides not being good at pretending to actually having a marriage with Laenor, she was also not very good at pretending to be faithful. Same was true of Laenor though, who had his boy toys especially Qarl, but unlike Rhaenyra he couldn't get pregnant or get Qarl pregnant so no one cared. She went on to have two more kids by Harwin as we know. 3 in 4 years.

I will say that again because this gives me trauma. THREE IN FOUR YEARS.

I'm not even going to bring up that later on there was not even two years between Aegon III and Viserys II.

Ok I am.

At 25 Rhaenyra had five children and had been married twice. So look yourselves (I'm doing that right now) in the mirror and ask yourselves wtf are you doing with your lives.

Moving on.

Apart from this later on Laenor is killed, very likely by Daemon's orders so he could have Rhaenyra, and Rhaenyra and Daemon remarry like what 3 months after their spouses die? - baby Aegon was born by the end of 120 AC so they had to marry no later than month 4 and be like "Haha :D the baby came "early"". The rule here would be to wait between 6 months to a year before remarrying we are told by asoiaf standards to show respect. So by doing this, Daemon and Rhaenyra were showing they didn't really care their spouses had died recently.

Daemon and Rhaenyra:

That's nice of them.

So, so far on Rhaenyra's track record of daughter-in-law she:

-Didn't have or pretended to have a real marriage with their son;

-Had a public affair with Harwin Strong, three sons that were clearly his, and even turned his sisters in her favourites;

-F_cked and married and got pregnant by their daughter's widow - her sister-in-law's husband - couple of months after their son died;

That was nice of her. 

Why would they still side with her anyone might ask?

Well, it's not really very well explained. Like me and @xenonwitch have discussed at length, and like she pointed out, Fire and Blood remains George's weakest work. I agree. I think it has tons of potential (that was recently completely wasted to the point it makes the book read like a f_cking masterpiece with absolutely no flaws in logic or plot or even character development) but it wasn't really expanded upon enough and we are left with trying to tie together all the missing links - and boy oh boy! do we have copious amounts of them - to the best of our abilities. I think there is something pretty cool about it in the sense that you can almost create your own story in how you think it makes the most sense. It's also frustrating because at the times you really have to make your brain work overtime to make something out of it that is believable and makes sense.

But my take on it. Well, from what we know of Corlys and Rhaenys they do strike me as pragmatic people who couldn't have illusions about who their son was. -> hells, as an Anon once pointed out, every lord plus their dog knew Laenor was gay. Gay gay. Like if there is a spectrum for sexuality it's like at one end.

I mean. I get him. I am all about the men too. Like ladies no, thank you. No, thank you! If I was a man I would like d:ck as well.

This to say, they likely knew that the "Velaryon" princes were the best they were going to get so it was either take it or leave it. Let's say they said leave it because there's Baela and Rhaena. Well... ok sure, but Daemon was not the second in line for the Iron Throne. Baela and Rhaena were too far down in the line of succession, in fact so far, I believe this could be why they were not given the title of princesses.

So if they left it that was it for House Velaryon's aspirations to ever have a Velaryon king.

And now people can turn to me and say "Go f_ck yourself" to which I say "Bold of you to assume I have not already 🤗". I'm kidding.

They could turn to me and say "But Popcorn, maybe the Velaryons could push to have Baela and Rhaena married to Viserys's sons who were heirs after Rhaenyra. Maybe Baela could marry Aegon II and Rhaena could Aemond or some other similar arrangement.” BUT -> here comes that but-

How likely would it be that Viserys, our sweet lovable Viserys, would like to have an alliance with the people who accused his beloved daughter and heir of High Treason and denounced her children and his grandchildren as bastards?

I would say not likely. Not likely at all.

So instead, Rhaenys and Corlys called it a day. The "Velaryon" princes did not have their blood but they had their names. Plus, with their engagement with their granddaughters they would get their blood on the throne eventually. Better to let things run smoothly.

As for Daemon very likely having ordered Laenor's death, all that was known for sure was that Qarl had killed him. If Daemon did it or not was a matter of dispute and likely, either the Velaryons didn't suspect him, or if they did maybe they rather not know the answer.

This is related to what I do in real life, but most of us have such experience with people we know, and the lengths most of us go to try and have peace and keep the family together knows almost no limits. While Viserys liked to bury his head in the sand I also think Rhaenys and Corlys had to do this sometimes for the sake of their heads maybe. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Now we never see it, or are told about it, but I would also suggest Rhaenys had some level of respect for Rhaenrya, and that she looked like she wanted her to be queen. At least her actions certainly say it. Hell she died for Rhaenyra's cause and fought for her too. Might have to do with what herself went through of being denied the throne for her sex, or maybe everything aside, they got along well enough. Maybe Rhaenys understood where Rhaenyra was coming from (i.e., gay husband) and knew herself well enough to assume to herself that in Rhaenyra's position she would have done either the same or similar. About her marriage to Daemon, again I think Rhaenys and Corlys had no illusions.

Rhaenyra and Daemon had a thing -> that we can debate how far it went but we talking third base at the very least -> before they ever married Laenor and Laena.

And we know they wanted to marry but were told no by Walserys -> the OG Daemyra anti. Given that Rhaenys and Corlys married for love, maybe again they knew where their son and daughter in law were coming from and were like “Meh at least all the grandkids are together. Saves us a trip or two!” 

I know sometimes we look at such situations and get enraged like HOW DARE THEY?! I WOULD HAVE NEVER STOOD SILENTLY WHEN... But what I see most in life is people staying silent and not bothering themselves or not wanting to cause trouble, especially in situations in which they will really gain nothing except lifting some weight from themselves and letting it out from their chests. 

I also know this all requires a LOT of maturity from Rhaenys and Corlys and that (especially in light of recent clear cash grabbing events) I might be giving turtle man too much of a benefit of a doubt. This said, and Rhaenys and Corlys do strike me as being very pragmatic and rational. And all things considered, it’s the best explanation I got XD 

I hope it makes some sense and thank you for having liked my version 🤗 I did my best to make it believable.

Tons of love to you! ❤️ And yes everyone I am writing the next chapter see: 

This is so I remember to make some reference to eating trout and to give credit to Lucifer210 over at AO3 who mentioned it in the comments. 

XOXO, 

Gossip Popcorn. 

[pleuvoire]

anyway since i finished faiz last night here are my thoughts on the infamous ending arc (under cut for spoilers) (and for walls of text jesus how did this get so long)

so faiz definitely falls apart in the last 10 eps. no doubt about that. compared to the absolute kino that was the 30s... man, it’s like night and day. and this comes down to what i keep saying, which is that faiz is at its best when it focuses on the core seven characters, and at its worst when it focuses on... literally anything else. and what did we get in the 40s? yuka dies, kiba fucks off to do whatever, and takumi is reduced to a background character in his own show for much of the 40s, to say nothing of keitarou and mari. the entire thing is about mari’s stupid adoptive dad and the orphenoch king and the ryuusei school and all this stuff that i DO NOT CARE ABOUT. give me the core trios!!! give me the core character stuff!!! give me takumi and kiba entrusting their lives to each other instead of kiba treating takumi like a stranger!!!

because hoooo boy was kiba’s whole deal poorly executed. on paper it’s compelling - the kind person who believed in humanity finally experiences too much cruelty to handle, loses faith in humanity, and defects to the side of humanity’s enemy. but for the change in his personality and worldview to be so sudden, so complete, and so permanent, it was just bad. it was just bad! on top of that, yuka’s death meant the show was minus one of my favorite characters, and kiba basically becoming a different person meant it was for all intents and purposes minus another of my favorite characters, and between that and takumi doing jack shit for like 5 whole episodes i really did not care what was happening. also - he ORDERED TAKUMI TO BE EXPERIMENTED ON??? FUCK OFF!!! HE WOULD NOT DO THAT!!!! YOU CAN’T JUST MAKE HIM A WHOLE DIFFERENT GUY!!!!

side note: kusaka’s death. was really looking forward to that and in the end it was just kind of meh because i had no idea what was happening at that point in the show at all. like, random incoherent stuff happened before my eyes, and he got his neck snapped on the beach as a result. yay? i will give inoue this which is that i’d heard that the narrative really wants you to feel bad he died but i didn’t get that vibe so much, it kind of just felt like everyone going “wtf kiba straight-up snapped that guy’s neck that’s so fucked up” and also mari being sad which makes sense because she was attached to him. the thing is that again the show was simply not coherent enough at this point for me to feel like it was taking a real stance about kusaka dying. takumi getting Really Pissed at kiba about it was so lame though like omg who caressssss

that said, i think the show managed to regain a bit of its footing in the last two episodes. i liked the trolley problem it set up - kill this kid to save humanity, or kill humanity to save the orphenochs. it was still kind of dumb and not as compelling as ryuki’s trolley problems but it was something. i really liked the thematic thread, woven through all the bullshit, of orphenochs as this group of people who were never meant to exist, and are either fighting a fruitless struggle against their inevitable disappearance or simply accepting it. it contributed to the feeling of quiet hopelessness and depression that faiz is good at. the impending specter of takumi dying soon was really good and also contributed to that feeling. when he said to kiba he was scared of dying but wanted to live his life to the fullest i was like ououougghh. so yeah some good stuff in there.

still though, that ending...? i’d heard that the last episode was infamously rushed, but while i was watching it i was like huh this is no worse than faiz has been for the last 10 eps and also has some compelling stuff (mentioned above). and then with 5 minutes left it cut straight from the climatic blow of the final battle to several days later and i was like OH LMAO. INOUE YOU REALLY BEEFED THE PACING ON THAT HUH. real “oh shit this essay is due at midnight and it’s 11:55” energy. so that just ruined a whole bunch of stuff right there. like kiba’s death - i knew he’d die from takumi’s rider kick, but i didn’t realize he was sacrificing himself to keep the enemy in place for takumi to kick him, a real interesting and potentially compelling last-minute redemption, except then we immediately cut away from it and it’s never mentioned again in the Five Fucking Minutes of the show left to us. so like great job on that huh.

and the question of, is takumi still dying or not? what happened to that? the shot of him looking at his hand with blurred vision seems to suggest that, but it’s such a weak thrown-in-there reference in the middle of what looks like a “happy ever after” type of scene i’m like man what??? i knew it was ambiguous if he dies or not, but i was expecting, like, you see him close his eyes onscreen and the question is whether he died or just passed out. something that would give a real sense of finality and grimness to it. so to have it be that vague and open-ended and contradictory was a letdown :/

anyway. yeah! faiz ending! it wasn’t as bad as i was bracing myself for. that’s my review, i guess? i mean i just finished kiva a month ago and that was TERRIBLE so this is like, fine ok, in comparison. there’s my review: Not As Bad As Kiva. high praise! it’s still pretty bad though. i agree with the people who maintain that it really needed just one more episode and a lot of problems with the last ep would have been fine, but that still wouldn’t have fixed the problems of the entire show gradually losing coherency, along with half the stuff that made it compelling, in the last 10 eps. like if you gave it another episode it would probably have done a much better job of tying all the themes together and would probably have made me cry, but even that would be a major downgrade from the lovely thematic clarity and relative plot consistency of the first 10 episodes. but that’s inoue endings for you. at least it’s not kiva

[nolanhollogay]

❛ i guess it runs in the family, huh? ❜

[loudly] MY FRIEND HAS PROBLEMS WITH WINTER AND AUTUMN, THEY GIVE HIM PRESCRIPTIONS, THEY SHINE BRIGHT LIGHTS ON HIM

fuck it! time to unpack ant's daddy issues at 2:54 in the morning

also this is just the prologue/ant pov to this (which i should rewrite at some point)

cw: implied homophobia, descriptions of child abuse, descriptions of violence, ant being mean to himself

-

Ant hated how destructive his hands could be.

He was always breaking things. Ripping pages in his book, dropping cups, snapping guitar strings.

But it was always little things. Things that could be repaired or didn't matter in the long run.

He didn't think he'd ever get violent.

He hadn't meant to get violent. It just happened, like his rage was piloting his body instead of his brain.

All he remembers is those guys yelling at them, at him and Reggie as they walked down the street. They weren't even doing anything. They weren't holding hands even though they were alone. They weren't walking super close. For all intents and purposes, they were just two friends walking together, talking about nothing. But the guys who didn't know them started yelling at them, calling them these nasty words.

"Ignore them," Ant instructed, refusing to even look in their direction. "I mean it, Reg."

Instead of doing that, Reggie — who apparently had no sense of self preservation — started yelling back, calling them morons and things that were pretty tame in comparison to the actual slurs the other guys were using. But assholes obviously didn't think logically about those kinds of things, so the guys crossed the street.

He can't remember what anyone said after that, just Reggie getting punched. Everything else is a blur of red in his vision and gut twisting rage in his entire body.

He doesn't remember knocking anyone's teeth out, but apparently that was something he did. Once, when he was fourteen, his father smashed his head into the kitchen counter. He couldn't remember why, but he remembered the way blood seemed to leak from his teeth for days because they were knocked loose from the impact.

It wasn't the same but it felt like it was. It wasn't the same because what Ant did was worse. His father, for all of his horrible behavior, had never knocked two of his teeth out.

He felt like he was going to throw up on the pavement as he watched the guys run away, leaving a tiny pool of blood in their wake.

-

After doing the very little he could to patch Reggie up — if shoving tissues up someone's nose could be referred to in that way — he left the studio and walked to the Diet Soda apartment.

He couldn't be there and look at Reggie with his bruised cheek and his bloody nose without being reminded of what he did, so he had to leave.

Moe was the one to open the door and Ant didn't know what he looked like but whatever face he was wearing was enough to have him let in without comment.

"Ant!" Paul cheered as he walked into the living room, Moe right behind him. "What are you doing here, bud?"

Monty's head snapped up, and he'd looked at Ant for half a second before asking, "What's wrong?"

Ant held up his right hand with his now mangled knuckles. They were bloody, the skin split from the guy's teeth, and bruised, presumably from the rest of his face. He was trembling.

"I'll get the first aid kit," Moe said.

-

Hydrogen peroxide still stung no matter how many times Ant used it.

"Stay still, Bambi," Moe instructed. They were sitting on the floor, Moe bandaging him up. Apparently he'd wanted to be a nurse before the whole band thing so he knew a bunch of medical shit.

"Sorry."

Dana came to sit beside him, resting her head on his shoulder. "What happened?"

"Punched a guy. Knocked two of his teeth out," he said simply.

Paul whistled, obviously impressed, and Moe's hand stilled from where he was wiping away the blood.

Lifting her head to meet his eyes, Dana asked, "What would you do that for?" at the same time Monty exclaimed, "You're insane."

Ant turned to look at him. He was standing by the doorway, which was too far away. Ant needed him next to him. Needed him to tell him he was fine.

He shrugged, a beat too late. "I guess it runs in the family, huh?"

Monty's body locked up. "Don't you fucking say that."

"If it's true, it's true," Ant replied, turning back to Moe and his steady hands. "You woulda been a really good nurse, dude."

Moe smiled, reaching out to squish his face. "Thanks Bambi."

"No! Hey! We're not just moving on from that, Ant," Monty said. "You're nothing like him."

Paul grunted. "Stop having a completely separate conversation like we're not here."

"Ant just basically said he's the same as his shitty abusive dad," Monty explained, rage making his voice shake. "When that couldn't be further from the truth."

"You're just saying that because you're my friend. You weren't there. I knocked someone's teeth out," Ant's eyes filled with tears and he took a deep breath. He shouldn't be crying if he was the bad guy in this situation.

Dana gently touched his knee, grabbing his attention. "Okay, but why? I can't imagine you going around punching people for fun."

Ant huffed, annoyed at himself as a tear slipped down his cheek. "The guy and his friend were saying stuff to me and Reggie. Horrible things. And it would've been whatever, I wouldn't let some dickhead bother me, but Reggie started yelling at them. And they didn't like that, so one of them punched him. And I couldn't— I wasn't going to let them hurt him, so I punched back."

"Bambi, that's literally just you defending your boyfriend. I would've done worse," Monty said, sounding exasperated.

Ant wasn't sure how to explain what he was feeling. It didn't feel like he was just defending Reggie. It felt like overkill, like violence for the sake of violence. Like he was just like his father with his hair trigger temper and refusal to talk things through.

Dana snorted. "I have done worse." She laughed when everyone looked at her in confusion. "Years ago, when I was, like, nineteen, I stabbed a guy for harassing me and my ex."

"Why have you never mentioned this before?" Moe asked. He had just finished covering Ant's knuckles in Hello Kitty bandaids.

"I'm not exactly proud of it," Dana said, shrugging. "But it's something that happened. It was self defense because if I didn't step in with my stupid little pocket knife, my girlfriend very much could've died." She met Ant's eyes again, and held his chin. "You don't have to be happy with yourself or what you did, but you did a good thing. You're not a bad person for defending Reggie or yourself. You're nothing like your father. Hitting a homophobe is not the same thing as wailing on your defenseless child. Understand?"

He nodded. Tears were fully streaming down his cheeks now, making him feel like a little kid.

"Okay," Dana said. "And you're more than welcome to stay here whenever you need to get out of the house. I want you to be safe."

"Do you want me and Moe to kick your dad's ass?" Paul asked.

The visual made him laugh, which was a step in the right direction. He still felt terrible but at least he had his friends.

[lilyevanstan1325]

🥀 Falling Apart 🥀

Chapter 6

Lily POV

I can't believe I did it.

I can't believe I did it.

I can't believe I did it.

I observe Loki as he lies on the bed, the bed I will occupy while staying at the Compound, leafing through an old spell book.

I honestly can't be so relaxed.

I have been here for just an hour and I already feel overwhelmed by to many emotions.

I paced back and forth around the room nervously, almost as if I were a caged animal.

Nervous and ready to jump to the throat of anyone who dares to approach me.

"You overthinking, darling" reminds me Loki without even looking up from the book.

His long fingers turn the pages with a little too much vehemence.

He lies there, his long, tapered legs forced into a pair of dark jeans spread casually.

I trace my gaze upwards, the black shirt, which adheres to his body designed by an artist, has the first unfastened buttons that allow a glimpse of his diaphanous skin.

His long, pitch-black hair is scattered all over the pillow and his muscular arms are raised in the air to hold the book.

He once again leafs through the old yellowed pages quickly and with little care.

His regardless movements and the sound of the thin paper that seems to protest under such impetuousness drive me crazy.

“Loki…could you please be a little more gentle?It is a very old book and it belongs to my father” I reproach him nervously.

Loki lowers the book and placing it on his stomach, leaning his elbows on the bed he gets up.

His piercing green eyes are fixed on my face.

“Your father is dead.I don't think he can get mad” he replies and shrugs.

I stop suddenly from my nervous march.

I think my jaw is touching the floor right now as my mouth has opened wide.

Loki gives me a crooked smile.

“Oh sorry, I thought you knew.It just happened five years ago” he teases me by sitting up and elegantly crossing his legs.

I keep looking at him dazed while he smiles at me and winks at me.

I shake my head disconsolately.

"You're a horrible person, do you know?"

Loki responds with another shrug.

“Yeah…someone already told me” he replies.

I would like to throw something at him but a smile peeks out on my lips.

He smiles back at me pleased to have succeeded in his intent.

That is to distract myself from my troubled thought.

Thought that is slowly eating my every brain cell.

Which is eating away at my entire existence.

"You can repeat to me why did we barricade ourselves in this room?" he asks me for the umpteenth time.

And for the umpteenth time my answer is always the same.

“We are not barricaded here, Loki.We're just waiting for Tony”

“Well, we could do it downstairs.Maybe in the kitchen.I don't deny that I'm hungry"

"You're worse than a child" I snort impatiently, moving my gaze to the clock hanging on the wall.

Has it really only been two minutes since I last checked?

A chuckle catches my attention.

"Did you see what face he did earlier?" Loki asks me, giggling.

I roll my eyes.

"Tony did it on purpose" I answer reaching him and sitting next to him.

Loki gives me a light push.

"Yes, I know.I like that Stark, I have to admit it”

“Please stop.Why do you have fun pissing off Steve?Leave him alone” I tell him looking at him sideways.

Loki gets up and without looking at me reaches the window, I observe him while his gaze is lost outside.

"Because he's a traitorous bastard and we hate him, right?" he replies as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and I am the only idiot not to know it.

I roll my eyes again.

"No one has ever told you that you have to hate him...not even I hate him" I murmur looking at my hands that are constantly torturing the buttons of my shirt.

Loki snorts loudly attracting my puzzled gaze.

I find him watching me, his arms crossed in front of his chest and an eyebrow that rises dangerously upwards.

"Yeah...because you still love him"

And his is not a question.

"Don't be ridiculous"

"You don't be ridiculous, Elisabeth"

We stare at each other for an infinite moment.

I look down, mortified.

"It doesn't matter how I feel about that man.The past is past and there is no going back.He move on and…"

I sigh.

"And you didn't.And that pisses me off.I care about you and knowing that you still suffers for that asshole drives me out of my mind” he hisses between his teeth, “So yeah, I like to piss him off.His face when Tony offered us the largest bedroom was a fantastic" he adds, turning back to the large window that overlooks the immense patch of greenery that surrounds the entire building.

I'm sorry to hear that Loki feels bad about this.

Whatever I do someone must always suffer.

It is a doom.

I get up and slowly reach him, once behind him I wrap my arms around his waist leaning my head against his back.

I rub my cheek against it and then leave a kiss on it.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to piss you off” I whisper against the delicate fabric of his shirt.

His cold hands slowly rejoin mine which are intertwined just above his stomach.

From the tension in his body I understand that there is something he wants to tell me, so I wait patiently for him to do it.

In these five years I have learned that with Loki it is useless to push, it is him who chooses when he feels ready to express his thoughts, his feelings, his torments.

"It's just...it's just that I saw you suffer so much for that man.You become my best friend Lily and I can't accept the idea that you can still feel connected to him after what he did to you" he whispers.

I release my grip from his body and position myself right in front of him.

Our gazes meet, chaining.

The golden light of the sunset makes his irises shine so unnaturally green and bewitching.

“Loki, I will always feel connected to Steve.Together we had four children, we loved each other very much.And I know I made the biggest mistake of my life leaving him but that's how it went...and then, when he kissed that other woman, him and I were no longer together and he was more than free to do what he wanted.I was the cause of my suffering, of his suffering, and I take all the responsibility for it” I simply admit.

Loki looks at me seriously, biting the inside of his cheeks.

His hard gaze pierces my soul.

I see that he is torn.

He shakes his head hinting a smile.

"You know...it costs me to admit it but I think he still feels something for you too"

I interrupt him immediately punching him in the chest.

Loki takes a step back looking first at my clenched fist then at my face raising an eyebrow.

"And what is this for?" he asks me pointing to my fist still resting on his broad chest.

“To stop talking bullshit.He fell for another woman just two months after we broke up...I doubt that after five years there could still be anything" I answer with a briefly laugh even though everything is falling apart inside me.

I move away from him and sit at the desk, I put my crossed ankles on it and put my hands behind my head.

“It's water under the bridge.Steve does this because it's in his nature.Nothing more” I say indifferently.

Nothing more.

I know I'm nothing to him.

I'm just the mother of his children.

Just this.

Nothing more.

My mind flies inexorably to five years ago, to the day I left him.

I know I did the right thing, at the time it was, but that doesn't mean that I don't suffer.

I lived in a spiral of emptiness and pain for weeks and when Tony managed to convince me, well...I wish he had never done it.

Seeing Steve kiss another woman was devastating.

Seeing him kiss Sharon Carter was destructive.

Her hands clinging tightly to his shirt, their mouths joined with eagerness...

God, I've had nightmares for months.

Within seconds, I felt catapulted to when I was just a little girl of just twenty-five who hadn't seen anything in the world.

I felt that insecure little girl again.

That little girl unsure that a man like Steve loved someone like me and not someone like Sharon.

But time has finally proved that I'm right.

After all, in his life there was always and only room for the women of the Carter family.

My gaze moves to the mirror on my right, the image it sends back makes me return with my feet on the ground.

Loki is again sitting on the bed looking at me in silence, he knows perfectly well that I was lost in my complex mental ruminations.

The color of my eyes at the moment is proof of that.

"You're back"

I smile wearily.

“Yeah…sorry”

He waves a hand in front of his face as if to tell me not to worry.

"You have to learn to control it" he tells me seriously right after, pointing a finger at my eyes.

I adjust myself in the chair, looking at myself again in the mirror.

The orange veins are fading, letting the black of my eyes return to being the predominant color.

"I try but when I'm too..."

"Emotional?" Loki interrupts me.

"Stressed...when I'm under stress it slips out of my control" I continue.

I bite my bottom lip.

Loki is right.

When strong emotions take over me, black magic, the magic of chaos, takes over.

Thanks to Loki's help, I found that I was much more powerful than I thought.

It wasn't just the Space Stone that gave me the power.

A powerful and ancient magic is imbued in me, according to the Asgardian, being the daughter of two great wizards it could not have been otherwise.

But the magic of chaos is powerful, destructive, and I never ever let it free.

And when it tries to take over me, my eyes are the first alarm bell.

My irises are covered with orange veins, burning like incandescent lava.

Quite creepy.

The first time I noticed, I freaked out.

Loki looks at me worried.

"Don't worry God, I can handle the situation"

"Are you sure, witch?"

I nod even though I'm not really that sure.

Loki is an excellent master but I am sure that if my father had been there he would have been able to guide me more carefully.

Indeed if he had been still here perhaps he would never have allowed this magic to take possession of me.

Someone vigorously knocks on the door causing my heart to skip a few beats.

"Who is it?"

“And how do I know?” Loki replies, almost annoyed by what I'm sure he thinks is a stupid question.

With a trembling step I approach the door but before I can ask who is, Loki calls me.

"Wait, it could be the Captain" he whispers as a sly smile spreads across his lips.

I look at him with a questioning look.

Loki snaps his fingers and suddenly his clothes vanish, leaving him with only a pair of boxers on.

"What...are you crazy?" I ask in a high-pitched voice.

Another knock on the door forces me to lower my voice.

"What the hell are you doing?" I hiss on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Loki shrugs with total indifference.

"It's hot in this room" he pretends, answering me with an angelic voice.

"Put your clothes back on!" I order but he doesn't listen to me.

He keeps looking at me like he's doing nothing wrong.

Pissed off at that idiot of a god I approach the door opening it a few inches to prevent the gruesome scene behind me from being visible to my visitor.

As soon as the door opens, two eyes that I know well look at me curiously.

"Luckily it's you" I sigh gratefully.

I grab Layla's arm and unceremoniously drag her into the room.

I barely poke my head over the threshold of the door, looking first to the right and then to the left, and fortunately the corridor is empty.

I quickly go back to my room, closing the door behind me.

"I'm quite confused at the moment" Layla murmurs, making her gaze wander between me and that idiot of an Asgardian who still lies lazily in his underwear on my bed.

I shake my head in resignation.

"Forget it.Long story"

"Short version?" my friend asks, refraining herself from laughing.

“Short version?Loki is an idiot, as always" I murmur and then, with a movement of my hand, make his clothes reappear.

“I thought it was Steve.I just wanted to have some fun"

Layla laughs at the words of the god and joining him on the bed she sits next to him.

We are a really weird trio.

All so different and yet all united by the same pain.

Loneliness.

I was not the only one to lose everything.

Layla has lost her love, her parents.

Loki has lost his loved one.

"Have you talked to Sarah?" I ask turning to Layla.

She nods, her gaze veiled with concern.

“Listen to me Layla, you don't have to do this.Go to your son.Here we can get by on our own, right Loki?" I say looking for the support of the man in front of me.

He nods but Layla shakes her head.

“Paul will be fine with his aunt, he'll have a lot of fun playing with his cousins and then…I want to be there.I want to be there when it happens”

Her voice becomes a whisper.

Yeah…when it happens.

Here, everyone is convinced that we will be able to bring everyone back but I remain skeptical...that is, part of me would like to believe it with all my heart but the other part, the more rational one, fears that there will be catastrophic consequences.

But think how beautiful it would be to be able to hug your children again whispers the voice of my conscience.

Hugging my kids again, my kids and Steve's.

"Lily?" Layla's voice distracts me from my thoughts.

"Excuse me, were you saying?"

"I said I spoke to Tony and he would like to see us in the meeting room in half an hour"

In half an hour.

I'll see Steve in thirty minutes.

In thirty minutes I will see Natasha again after five long years.

We were best friends and I left without saying anything, I didn't even say goodbye.

That day, after leaving Steve, I went directly to my father's Sanctuary where Wong welcomed me with joy, then I called Tony and asked him if he could retrieve some of my things and bring them to me.

Him, Pepper and Layla were the only ones I stayed in contact with.

I made them promise, forcing them, never to tell anyone where I was.

And they swore it.

Layla and Paul eventually moved to the Sanctuary with me and with Tony...a special relationship was created with him, what we spent on the Titan bound us inextricably making us support always each other.

I left everything and everyone without an explanation and I'm sure Nat didn't take it well at all.

"Ok.Ok.Just...just a moment, ok?" I murmur as I enter the bathroom and shut the door behind me.

I leaning against it letting myself slide slowly until I feel the cold marble under my ass.

I sink my head between my knees while breathing deeply.

The time has come to face my past and I honestly don't feel ready.

And I believe that in the end I will never be.

Seeing Steve was a big shock.

Seeing those eyes that I loved so much destabilized me.

For a moment in his eyes I saw that great love that united us, that great love that generated four fantastic and beautiful children.

But then the image of him and Sharon, lips to lips, destroyed everything.

Reminding me once again of how it all ended inexorably.

His face seemed more tired, hardened by time and pain.

His eyes, always bright and deep, seemed veiled with tiredness.

I just want to give you back your children, nothing more.

Nothing more.

Because he doesn't want anything else from me.

And that's right.

I hurt him, very badly, and I deserve all this suffering.

I deserve it because he didn't deserve what I did to him.

I don't know how long I stay on the bathroom floor, I just know that a light knock on the door wakes me out of my trance.

"Lil?"

"I'm coming, Layla"

I get up from the floor and stop for a moment in front of the mirror to observe my reflection.

I lift my hands and run them through my hair.

I cut my long curls because them reminded me too much of him.

Them reminded me of all the times he whispered in my ear how much my hair drove him crazy.

I cut them off because all I did was think about when he was pulling them while he was fucking me.

Damn!

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why the hell do I have to think about such a thing right now?

I am here for a very specific reason.

Bring everyone back.

Have my children back.

I run my hands over my face, rubbing it hard and then putting all my feelings aside, I leave the bathroom.

Loki and Layla chatter to each other, stopping as soon as they see me.

Before I can scold them or say anything, another knock on the door catches our attention, our heads snapping at it.

I'm pretty sure I know who is.

I take a couple of steps and with a trembling hand I grab the doorknob but before I can open the door, whoever is on the other side does it for me.

The door swung open and I find myself observing two green eyes that I hadn't realized how much I had missed them until now.

Her hair is much longer.

Red.

She is as beautiful as ever, even if she wears a simple sweatshirt and jeans she is always a beautiful sight.

I stare at her with my mouth open, a swarm of sensations and memories overlap frantically in my head.

Without saying a word, Natasha's arms suddenly wrap around me, squeezing me against her body.

Her accelerated breathing tickles my neck.

Layla and Loki stealthily leave the room, leaving me alone to experience a violent whirlwind of emotions.

Slowly I raise my arms holding my Natasha.

My best friend.

My sister.

We both find ourselves sobbing, letting go of years and years of pain.

She has lost Bucky, her great love.

My best friend.

And I wasn't there.

I abandoned her when she needed me.

“I'm sorry, Nat.I'm sorry" I stammer with my cheek resting on his chest also shaken by small sobs.

"I'm sorry too, Lily"

We remain embraced for a few more minutes and then she moves away from me, dissolving our embrace.

We both have red eyes and a red nose tip.

Nat grabs my hand and together we reach the bed sitting on it.

It was devastating to discover that he too was gone.

“I should have stayed by your side.I should have helped you deal with the disappearance of Bucky, our Bucky” I stammer awkwardly and with my heart in a grip of pain, "God, I miss that idiot" I add smiling through tears immediately followed by Natasha.

We have been through a lot together, he has always been there for me ready to be my accomplice.

And even though I consider Natasha a sister, my bond with Bucky went further.

He was there when I found out the truth about who Strange was.

He was there when I found out I was pregnant with Sarah.

Of the twins.

Of Jay, my little boy who bore his name.

He has been by my side for years, always ready to cover my ass.

Natasha puts her hand on my knee.

"I've been a bad friend" I add looking at her hand.

“I haven't been a good friend either.You lost your children, your father.You kicked Steve out of your life, you were upset and out of your mind…I should have threatened Stark with death and made him tell me where you were.I should have looked for you.I should have helped you.I'm sorry”

We both look up to meet halfway.

Her eyes are full of pain.

As well as mine.

“But I knew where you were and I didn't look for you”

“They were tough years for everyone,Lily.But you know, the important thing is to have found each other again.Together we will find a way to start over”

I don't answer her.

Start over?

Even if we bring everyone back, nothing will be the same.

Nothing will erase the past five years.

Nothing will erase the hatred and pain.

We will never be a big, beautiful and chaotic family again.

"I hope so" I whisper, avoiding giving voice to my true thoughts.

I don't want to hurt her, not now that we're just meet again.

Nat smiles at me weakly then her gaze falls on the clock hanging on the wall, she gets up and holds out her hand to me.

"Come on, Tony is waiting for us"

I look at her hand and, with my heart galloping furiously in my chest, I accept it and get up too.

Together wrapped in the surreal silence that reigns in the large building we reach the meeting room.

When we are a few steps away from our destination without realizing it I begin to slow down.

Nat notices this and turns to me.

"It's okay, Lily"

My frightened eyes say what my mouth can't do.

Her hand rests on my shoulder, in a gesture aimed at encouraging me.

"Everything will be fine.Trust me”

And how can I not trust her?

I nod and take a deep breath I force myself and take the last steps that separate me from Steve.

As soon as I cross the threshold the first thing I notice is Loki's pleased gaze and Steve's murderous one.

Surely Loki will have enjoyed teasing him.

I advance until I reach his side, positioning myself between him and Layla.

In front of me, in front of some monitors are Tony, Steve, Lang and Rhodey.

The latter greets me with a smile and a nod.

Slowly I move my gaze towards Natasha and remain as if petrified.

"Bruce?"

“Hi, Elisabeth” he replies, approaching me and hugging me.

I look at him awkward and astonished.

What the hell happened to him?

He smiles scratching the back of his neck.

"I know...the first time always made this effect" he chuckles pointing to himself.

“Yeah…you…you...you have clothes on, that's great” I stammer not knowing what the hell to say.

Loki next to me just squirms, he and the Hulk don't have a great past behind them.

I chuckle, turning my head to the side, where I find Steve staring at me with the same amused expression.

I'm sure he's enjoying a little revenge watching the brave and snooty god shrink in fear.

Thank goodness the first to break eye contact is Steve, I wouldn't have had the strength.

Despite everything that has happened, despite the past years, having him in the same room and not being able to touch or hug him is really difficult.

Almost painful.

Knowing that he's not mine anymore is painful.

Knowing that he doesn't love me anymore is fucking painful.

"Ok...so...I'll be as short as possible" exclaims Tony suddenly catching the attention of all of us present.

Reluctantly I look away from Steve, I have to focus on Tony's words but if I keep staring at all those muscles I'm sure I won't be able to.

As I move my gaze to Tony I find Nat's green eyes staring at me insistently, a mischievous smile curls her lips.

Shit!

I got caught staring at Steve.

I try to act indifferent and by getting a little closer to Loki I try to appear relaxed.

He, unaware of what is happening, smiles at me.

"In the meantime I would like to thank all of you for being here but unfortunately we are still too few, so I would have some favors to ask you" Tony starts again taking a step forward.

"Loki, could you contact your brother?" he asks turning to us.

Loki nods.

"Romanoff, you could convince Barton to join us"

"Sure, no problem"

"I have already proceeded to gather the raccoon and Nebula" replies Tony with a smile.

"We need all the help we can get.It won't be easy but we'll do our best and bring everyone back” exclaims Rhodey with conviction.

Layla by my side fidgets nervously, her big, deep dark eyes blazing.

She is ready to face even the flames of hell to get Sam back.

And the same ardor shines in Natasha's eyes, she too will fight until her last breath to have the great love of her life back by her side.

Oh my God, I'm a horrible person.

I feel ungrateful to life.

I look down full of guilt.

These women are ready to die for their men and I chased mine out of my life, throwing him away like garbage.

I feel the tears pinch my eyes and squeeze them as hard as I can.

I can't collapse here.

I can't do it now.

Someone taps gently on my shoulder and when I look up my eyes meet Loki's worried face.

“Are you all right, Elisabeth?Your eyes…”

At his words I close them immediately and breathing deeply I try to calm down.

"Yeah, I'm fine.I'm fine" I murmur and when I open my eyes I realize that there is no one left in the large room.

It's just me and Loki.

Loki brings his big hands to my arms, rubbing them gently.

There is no need for words between us, the pain shines through my every single breath and I don't need to speak to let him know about my torment.

"Look, I'm going to Tony now and I get a room for the night"

I laugh.

"You go get some air, okay?" my friend continues.

I nod and getting up on tiptoe I leave a sweet kiss on his cheek.

“Thanks, Loki.Thank you for everything, thank you for these last five years” I say holding his hand.

He smiles at me softly shaking his head.

“No need.I have to thank you, little witch.And you know it”

So he says he goes away leaving me alone.

As I walk to the Compound's large terrace, I am reminded of the night I met Loki.

I had discovered a few weeks ago about the relationship between Steve and Sharon, it was the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep.

I was alone at the great Sanctuary, Wong was away on a spiritual trip to Nepal and Layla together with his little Paul were spending some time at Sam's sister's house.

Unable to sleep I went to the library but as soon as I left my room someone knocked on the big door.

It was night and a storm was raging outside, who the hell could it be?

With my heart in my throat, I went down the grand staircase hugging myself in my warm robe.

When I opened the door in front of me there was the last person I would ever have imagined seeing.

Loki with his hair flattened by the rain and his clothes dripping with water stood there, staring at me.

"Loki?" I asked with a wave of astonishment.

What was he doing here and above all how he had found me?

"Excuse me Lady Elisabeth, but I didn't know where else to go"

His dull and sad voice had convinced me to step aside and with a nod of the head I invited him to enter.

Together we headed to the kitchen and after giving him a blanket and a hot tea I asked him the question that mattered to me at the moment.

"How did you find me?"

Only Layla and Tony with his wife knew where I was and I highly doubted they had been the ones to tell him.

Loki shrugged.

“My brother told me what happened between you and Captain Rogers, so I immediately thought about this place.After all, this is your home”

His response had shocked me, the simplicity with which he had formulated that simple thought and arrived at the exact solution was truly amazing.

We were silent for a few more minutes, then I took courage again and asked him what he was doing here.

His response was heartbreaking.

“Remember the business I had to manage in the Nine Kingdoms?Well…it didn't go as I hoped.She is no longer there.She disappeared with the snap”

That was how I found out about Sygin.

She was Loki's wife, a wife he had hid from everyone so far to protect her.

Only Thor knew of her.

"Sorry if I ask you, why didn't you go to Thor?"

The question came spontaneously, the two brothers have always been very close and I doubt that Thor refused to help his beloved brother.

“Thor is happy now, he and Jane have reunited and I don't want to give him any more worries.So I thought of you.I know I ask you a lot lady Elisabeth but I assure you it will be for a few days, as soon as I find another place I will go away.I promise you”

And so it was that those few days became five years.

Little by little we became friends, we helped each other in the hardest moments of our lives and in addition he was a really good master of magic.

Smiling I reach the terrace but my smile fades as my heart skips a beat.

In front of me, with his arms resting on the balustrade, is Steve.

I stop for a moment to observe him.

His broad shoulders are wrapped in a white shirt while his gorgeous ass is wrapped in a pair of light-colored jeans.

I feel a flush of heat starting from the center in my heart and expanding into the rest of my body, inflaming my head and between my legs.

The first instinct is to turn around and walk away but irrationally I advance until I reach his side.

I too take the same position as him.

His head slowly turns towards me, I can feel his gaze on my face but I don't have the courage to look into his eyes.

I don't trust myself at the moment.

I swallow empty.

"You cut your hair"

His voice sends shivers down my spine.

I observing the starry sky extending over our heads.

"Yeah"

"Why did you do it?"

I can't stop the words that like a raging river roll inexorably along my tongue.

"Because you liked them"

His hands, strong but gentle, clench into two fists as his gaze slips from my face.

The veins pulsate wildly beneath his soft velvet skin.

I know, he didn't expect such an answer.

This time I'm the one who turns to him.

I observe his profile, beautiful and perfect as a painting of a god, as he continues to look straight ahead.

“You cut your hair too.And the beard.Why?" I ask.

Not that he's not painfully handsome but I have to admit that with a wilder look he has an edge.

He has that I don't know what that makes you lose your mind...and that makes you spread your legs inexorably.

I involuntarily blush at my own thought.

Steve slowly turns to me.

Our eyes are chained and in my stomach millions of butterflies take flight.

I feel a bit like the prey that is bewitched by its predator, I know that watching him enchanted will be my death but I can't help it.

"Because you liked them" he whispers faintly in response.

Inside of me I am screaming, crying, bleeding but outside I remain impassive.

Tears of blood that dig into my heart leaving his name branded in fire.

I plant my nails in the palms of my hands to avoid lifting them and caressing that face that seems corroded from pain.

But is it really pain after all?

He managed to forget, he managed to love again.

Perhaps more than pain it is just nostalgia for the lack of those who kept us united many years ago.

Our children.

"Your eyes, Lily" Steve whispers confused but intrigued at the same time.

I know what he's seeing…and I can't afford to lose my mind right now.

Steve takes a step towards me slowly raising his hand, as if he wants to stroke my face.

I can't, I can't deal with it now.

I don't want.

I take a few steps back and close my eyes, squeezing them tightly.

"Yeah...I...I have to go"

I turn my back on him and I walk away without looking back.

I walk away without giving him an answer like I did five years ago.

The only difference?

Five years ago the broken heart was his.

Today is mine.

Steve POV

We have all worked non-stop for days but in the end everything is ready.

The machinery that will allow us to travel in time has finally been completed and in a few minutes Scott Lang will carry out a time travel test.

My nerves are on edge and I'd be lying if I said it entirely depends on what we're about to deal with.

The biggest source of my stress is due to Lily's presence, her presence and that of her new boyfriend.

Not that they have ever done anything too explicit in front of the others, after all they have always and only limited themselves to a few hugs and hundreds of fleeting glances, but that didn't help me at all.

Just knowing that him, in the intimacy of their room, can hold her, touch her, love her is enough to literally drive me out of my mind.

And in me as well as increasing jealousy increases more and more the burning desire to punch that fucking son of a bitch in the face.

I shake my head and trying to slow my frenzied heartbeat I reach Bruce, Rhodey and Nebula who are preparing Scott for the time travel test.

"Time travel suit.Not bad" I say to Scott alongside Bruce.

Scott fidgets nervously as Bruce arranges the vials with the Pym Particles.

"All right.Do you know what?I'm not ready for this" suddenly exclaims Scott, taking us all by surprise.

What does this mean now?

"I'm game.I'll do it" exclaims a self-confident voice behind us and I don't even need to turn around to figure out who it belongs to.

I turn slowly, clenching my jaw.

“Oh no, no, no, no Lily.It's too dangerous" I say shacking my head.

Lily raises an eyebrow and laughing heartily she looks at me from top to bottom.

"I'm not asking for your permission, Captain Rogers"

Her arrogance makes my blood boil in my veins.

Stubborn.

Stubborn and reckless, she has always been like this.

Lily advances boldly, her legs wrapped in a pair of indecently tight gray leggings while her breasts are wrapped in a white tank top that leaves very little room for imagination.

I move uncomfortably trying to hide my erection soaring wildly in my boxers, I really think it's not the best time to think of her naked and pleading under me...it's not the best time yet now that my mind has painted that image I can't think of anything else.

I shake my head to try to free it from any thoughts other than the success of this arduous undertaking.

Nebula helps Scott take off the suit and helps Lily put it on.

Her shapely and sinful body stands out like a vision in this suit.

I bite the inside of my cheek preventing me from letting my thoughts about her run undisturbed.

"Lily, now you're gonna feel a little discombobulated from the chronoshift.Don't worry about that" informs Bruce as Nebula makes the final adjustments to the suit.

“Wait a second.Let me asking you something” Rhodey asks suddenly, turning to Bruce.

"If we can do this, you know...go back in time, why we don’t just find baby Thanos.You know, and..." he continues and then mimics the gesture of choking someone.

Immediately my gaze falls on Lily who is visibly refraining herself from smiling.

From what I see, the idea of being able to kill Thanos is not something that would only cheer me up.

"First of all, that’s horrible" exclaims Bruce in disgust.

"It's Thanos!" Lily exclaims as Rhodey nods at her words.

"And secondly, time doesn't work that way.Changing the past doesn't change the future" Bruce interrupts them pretending not to have even heard them.

Lily and Rhodey exchange a half-amused glance.

"Look we go back, we gets the Stones before Thanos get them...Thanos doesn’t have the Stones.Problem solved" Lang intrudes into the discussion, seeking Bruce’s approval.

"Bingo!" Lily exclaims nodding at Scott's words.

Bruce sighs as he pinches the base of his nose.

"That’s not how it works"

"Well, that’s what I’ve heard" murmurs Lily with a shrug, getting a curious glance from both, me and Bruce.

Bruce raises an eyebrow with a skeptical expression.

His huge arms cross in front of his broad chest.

"Wait, but who?Who told you that?" he asks.

Lily shrugs again.

"Star Trek, Terminator, Timecop..." she begins listing using her fingers.

I can't believe it.

I would like to laugh at her recklessness.

"Time After Time.Quantum Leap” Scott encourages her.

The two share a smile.

“Wrinkle in time.Somewhere in Time” intervenes Rhodey.

"Hot Tub Time Machine" finally exclaim Scott and Lily at the same time.

“Basically, any movie that dials with time travel.This is known” continues Rhodey.

Bruce and I exchange an incredulous glance.

“But this is not a movie.You have to put this in your head” I reproach them.

It is absurd that they can even think that this is all a joke.

"Exactly" gives reason to him Nebula.

"I don't know why everyone believes that, but that isn't true" Dr. Banner tries to make them think, “Think about it.If you travel to the past…that past becomes your future and your former present becomes the past.Which can't now be changed by your new future"

Lily seems to understand Bruce's reasoning and although she reluctantly nods at his words.

"So, Back to the Future is a bunch of bullshit?" Scott asks almost shocked.

Lily joins him and patting him on the back she exclaims giggling "I know man, it's shocking"

All together we head to the large platform that will allow Lily to move through time.

"All rights, Lily" Bruce exclaims in her direction.

I just cross my arms in front of my chest, violently sinking my fingers into my biceps.

I can't bear the idea that something could happen to her.

What if something goes wrong?

What if she never comes back?

Meanwhile, Tony, Nat and the unmissable Loki join us.

The latter approaches Lily to murmur something in her ear, she smiles and kisses his cheek, then she activates her helmet that covers her face.

I look down at my shoes as Natasha at my side gently rubs a hand on my back.

"We're going in three, two... one!" Bruce yells at her trying to overcome the noise emitted by the machine and the incessant beep produced by the buttons he keeps pressing.

A moment later a tunnel of light opens under Lily's feet and she shrinks until she disappears.

I take a few steps devoured by fear.

The seconds go by endlessly.

"Bruce?How long does it take for her to return?" I ask without turning.

My voice trembles.

I don't give a fuck if Loki is here, I don't care what he thinks.

Get pissed off if he wants to.

I can't help being terrified and I don't even want to try.

Lily is the great love of my life and she will always be, whether he likes it or not.

We are soulmates.

"Don't worry, Cap.In a few moments she will be back here" Tony tries to reassure me reaching my side.

His hand rests on my shoulder and squeezes it tightly.

Our eyes are chained.

"If anything happens to her I..."

The words die in my throat.

I can't even think of such a thing.

"I know man, I know"

Tony knows perfectly well that my love for her has never died.

"But she doesn't know" I stammer pathetically.

Tony smiles, a real smile, one that even reaches his eyes.

“Oh well, then you are gonna have to tell her.Don't you think?"

Suddenly in front of us the quantum tunnel reopens and Lily finally reappears.

She is kneeling with her hands clasped to her chest.

Her shoulders rise and fall furiously, as if she's trying to catch her breath.

No matter how many limits and rules I have imposed on myself to stay away from her...my feet move by themselves.

I rush to her side, kneeling right next to her.

Natasha joins me a few moments later.

The former Black Widow and I exchange a worried look.

"Hey.Hey, look at me" I whisper to Lily, brushing a lock of hair from her forehead.

At the precise moment that my fingertips touch her sweaty forehead a discharge of pure electricity runs through me, leaving me stunned for a few moments.

"You ok?" I ask her as she slowly turns her face to me.

Her eyes, black as night, are covered with glowing veins like molten lava.

She reaches out her little hands to me showing me her precious treasure.

“It worked, it worked Steve” she whispers as a lonely tear runs down her face, "It worked" she repeats showing me what she is holding on to her chest squeezing it hard.

Instinctively my eyes fill with tears.

It is Natalia's favorite doll, she never separated from it.

I grab the doll with a trembling hand bringing it close to my face and sinking it on it.

The sweet and fruity scent of my little girl fills my nostrils and warms my heart.

I sit on the floor next to Lily unable to even move a muscle.

“I've seen us.We were out on the porch, watching the girls play.We were there, happy” Lily murmurs before bursting into tears.

I wrap my arms around her shoulders, squeezing her tightly against my body.

“We were there, Steve” she repeats through tears, sinking her face into my chest.

Her small, delicate hands cling tightly to my shirt.

“I know, honey.I know” I answer her, kissing her hair.

Her pain, so alive and burning, awakens mine.

For a moment I look up from the wonder in my arms and the first eyes I meet is just that of Loki.

I don't look away and just stare at him.

He doesn't seem angry, he just looks at me back.

The certainty of the feelings Lily has for him authorizes him to look at me almost as if he were amused, as if he was waiting with joy for the moment when she will reject me.

But honestly I don't care.

I look down at her again, holding her like I hadn't done in five years, enjoying the warmth of her body.

I don't care if she belongs to someone else now, I don't care because I'm ready to fight to the death to get her back by my side.

Slowly remembering how her small body fits perfectly with mine.

Muscle memory.

The memory of my heart.

Lily just pulls away from my embrace, her eyes are now completely black again.

Wide open and full of tears.

I put both hands on her cheeks and stroking her cheekbones with my thumbs I wipe away her tears.

She closes her eyes, relaxing in my hands as if my touch helped her get better.

"I promise you, I'll do everything to get things back to the way they used to be" I whispered a few inches from her face.

Lily opens her eyes and her mouth barely opens, her warm breath breaking against my face unleashing the fury in me.

The desire to close the distance and take possession of her lips burns inside me.

I need all my willpower not to do it...but deep down I'm just a man, with my weaknesses, and so I get close to resting my lips on her forehead.

I feel her tremble under my touch.

"I promise you" I repeat her.

I slowly walk away from her and holding out my hand I help her to get up.

She accepts my hand with a shy smile and once standing, without letting go of my hand, she turns to Bruce and Tony.

“It worked, guys.It fucking worked”

The two men exchange a pleased look, both have a huge smile on their faces.

And I, holding hands with the love of my life, can finally feel truly confident about this mission.

We will soon embrace all the people we have lost and then I will do my best to get my family back.

To get my sweet Lily back.

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@deansapplepie

[chellsworld]

Life inventory question # 6. Who first taught you to love?

“Who even taught you how to love?” I questioned him.

“No one ‘taught’ me how to love Cel, I already know! It’s not my fault you feel like it’s wrong.” he stated. This has been an ongoing fight since the beginning of our relationship. Before Joshua and I even started dating, he’s always done twisted things claiming them to be acts of “love”, all of which leading up to now.

“Josh, how can you even say that this is love? What you did wasn’t to show your love. It was you wanting to keep me on a leash.” I laced my words with the pain I felt.

“There you go again. For the last time Celina, this is how I show my love. You’re lucky too, if you were with anyone else it would be a lot worse. If you would stop being so crazy, I would treat you better.” He claims. There it is.

“Oh so you admit that you’re doing this on purpose?” He looks at me as if I’ve got two heads.

“What are you talking about?” He asks, feigning obliviousness.

“You said you’d ‘treat me better.’”

“Cel-” He starts, only to be stopped by me.

“You know what Josh, I’m done. You can treat someone else “better.” I say, using air quotes around better.

“What are you saying Cel?” He asks as I walk over to the closet and pull out my suitcase.

“Are you just gonna throw this away?” I’m now packing my clothes trying to block him out.

“We’ve been together for five years!” I ignore the sting of his words and continue to pack my stuff.

'Yes, we’ve been together for five, long, years.'

I thought.

Five years of pain, five years of ignoring your ‘subtle’ jabs, five years of pretending not to know that you occasionally hook up with your ex.'

“Do you know how lucky you are to have found me? You’ll never be happy again if you leave.”

After messaging my best friend, Ashley, to make sure she can pick me up, I gather the last of my things and take them outside to wait with me in the driveway, Josh following behind only to stop in the doorway.

“I was gonna propose soon too.”He scoffed. I took a deep breath, sorted my thoughts, and turned to talk to him.

“You know what Josh? That’s another thing you do,” I start, “you claim that you ‘were’ going to do something special for me, but now you’ve changed your mind because I’ve upset you.”

He stares at me with a tight jaw.

"You’ve never had the intention of doing such things, you just wanted to give me hope so I’d stay by your side."

He’s about to say something when bright lights are suddenly shining on us both. I turn and see my best friend's car. She parks in the driveway and gets out to walk over to me.

“I’m glad to have you back.” she whispers in my ear as she embraces me for the first time in weeks.

“I’m glad you’re still here for me.” I whisper back, giving her one last squeeze.

“Always.” she says as we break apart.

”Oh for fucks sake! Go away Ashley, this isn’t any of your business.” Josh tries to send her away, to no avail.

“Shove it, douche bag.” she says as she helps me load my things into the trunk of her car.

He watches angrily as I place my last suit case in Ashley’s trunk. I work up the last bit of nerve I have and walk over to Joshua, stopping at an arm's distance.

“I’ve put up with a lot over the years, but I’m done. Don’t try to contact me or I will call the police.” I try not to cry with the words I’m about to say.

“Goodbye Josh, I wish you well.” I turned around and walked towards Ashley’s car, noticing she’s already inside behind the wheel.

If he’s saying anything, I can’t hear him. My blood is rushing in my ears and all I can hear is my heart beat. I open the passenger door of the car and crouch down to get in. I zone out and can hardly process the time that goes by, I’m snapped back to reality by Ashley’s voice.

“I’m proud of you Celina. I know it was hard, but what he was doing to you was not love.” She says.

I take a moment and gather my thoughts to respond. “I know… it was just hard. I mean, he was the first person who taught me how to love.”

///This is my first short story like this so pls be gentle with any criticism- that being said constructive criticism is more than welcome <333

[recklxssabandon]

Image of Tomorrow//Minami & Aja

@ajathings

“Hmm.”

Aja jotted down more notes. She would never admit aloud that she was leaning in favor of admitting Minami into the exhibition. Better to let her sweat a little, After all, favoritism was unprofessional.

She reached the end again, turned around and began to pace the paintings a third time. “A sharp observation, followed almost immediately by a very dangerous question,” Aja smirked. “I’m afraid my life has seen me act mostly as an observer of art, not as a collaborator of its creation. Though not for a lack of trying, at least on the part of creators....”

Aja stopped at the Primavera, resting her tablet on her hip. “I attended Brown in Rhode Island. The school has art programs as well as art history programs, so we were often encouraged to reach across and work together for one reason or another. I was no stranger to painters, photographers, sketch artists, asking me for help with research, and then asking me to work with them when their research was done. But it never led to any actual work being done. By the time I stopped telling myself I couldn’t possibly be a decent model, I had grown a little older and the artists--and their intentions--grew a little transparent. My interests turned to studies of the past, and I fell in love with history. After that, there was just no room for anything else.

Aja glanced at Minami for the first time since her study of the paintings began. “But, for better or for worse, it is as intimate as you say. But I only know by history. I’ve never actually experienced it myself.”

It was only half a lie. Aja briefly recalled Adam, a photographer from her hometown in New Jersey. He had a gaze that picked her apart and celebrated her in new ways. It was fun to watch him stare.

But they never created anything together.

“But you see that’s exactly it.” Minami replied, animated, looking at Ru in the centre of the tableaux. 

      “People don’t know how...How to look.”

She frowned, trying to formulate the right words. She chewed her lip a moment. “It takes no effort at all to press a shutter button, and the replication of someone’s likeness is a skill but a hollow one when replication is all you’re going for.”

She sighed and reached up to tug away the hairband that held her messy bun in place, rolling it onto her wrist and tousling her hair. 

      “Think about Sally Mann, or Nan Goldin. They didn’t just take pictures of people. The act of taking the picture is a thing of understanding - empathy, a deep interest. This kind of art is meant to dissolve interpersonal boundaries, not reinforce them in flat planes of canvas or print. And to tell you a secret, it’s partly why I only use a first name. Even for business purposes, I want people to know who I am.”

She paused and laughed at herself. “Now I think about it, maybe I should have put that in my statement. I’ve never really wanted models, what I want is collaborators.” She rolled her eyes. “Maybe that’s a little pretentious, but I stand by it.”

Even as she said all of this she was aware of her eyes absorbing Aja; her hair, her eyes, the curve of her top lip. The business like posture and manner in which she spoke. She was beyond fascinated, an impulse that was both artistic and entirely something else.

[lorenzobane]

Much Kinder Eyes

(A/N: Based on the Schitt's Creek bit where Moira talks about having much kinder eyes for her younger self- that said, Bashir, is 35 in this fic. He's just dramatic.)

Summary: After the war, Bashir's nudes from when he was 19 are published in the new Cardassian free press. He doesn't react the way Garak thinks he will.

Garak has been watching the door waiting for Dr. Bashir to walk into the small apartment they share, for the last ten minutes. He glances down at the news alert on his PADD and looks away just as quickly. It wouldn’t do to get distracted. 

Something like this would never have happened if he had been allowed a position in the government. Alas, he was not trusted by any major party faction for any of his various activities and found himself relegated, yet again, to the status of a tailor. It could be worse, he is, after all, a very good tailor.

Still, this type of… Free press disaster would have been nipped in the bud long ago if he had been allowed any real power. 

Garak turns his attention to the door and watches intently as his… His… friend walks through, still dressed in his work uniform. As the Health and Medical Research Attaché to the Federation, Bashir spends most of his day at the capital city’s hospital or deep in the recesses of Cardassia’s medical labs, which are cut off from outside communication. Garak isn’t even sure he’s seen the news alert yet. 

“Garak,” Bashir says, a bit tiredly but with a smile. 

“Have you seen the news?” 

“Uh, not yet. Natima called me and said we’d need to discuss something in the morning. What happened? Did the Federation say something implying that Cardassia should be grateful for their aid?” 

(That sentiment had been the cause of the last three separate diplomatic skirmishes in the past seven months.) 

“Castellan Lang,” Garak emphasizes while Bashir rolls his eyes. “And no, no, it is about you.” 

Bashir suddenly looks stiff, and his back goes ramrod when he asks, “about my augmentations?” 

Garak shakes his head and then thinks. Obviously, Bashir isn’t aware yet, and perhaps he should allow the good doctor to live in ignorance for a while longer. A less cynical person would question why Lang didn’t tell Bashir before he left the city center, but Garak knows. She’d rather make it Garak’s problem. 

Thrilling. 

“No, my dear,” he answers quickly. “But you may want to sit down.”

“I think I’d prefer to remain standing if it's all the same to you,” Bashir replies, a bit tartly.

“If you insist,” Garak acquiesces, familiar enough by now with Bashir’s particular form of machismo. “It appears that some… compromising photos of you from your youth have… become quite a bit less private.”

Bashir gives him a look. 

“What I mean to say is–”

“My nude photos got leaked,” Bashir finishes for him. 

Garak raises a ridge. “Yes, very succinct. Starfleet must find you a credit to your profession.” 

Bashir rolls his eyes, clearly grasping Garak's implication. “I’m not leaving, Garak.”

“I think you’ll find Cardassian culture somewhat less tolerant of youthful indiscretions than the Federation. Aside from which, I’m surprised to see you so… Unconcerned.” 

“I am certainly concerned, Mr. Garak,” Bashir replies. “Extremely. And I am well aware of your culture’s preference for modesty. I am, in fact, a doctor here, you know.” 

“Are you?” Garak asks idly. “I always presumed you were a diplomatic attaché. Silly me.” 

“I’m multitasking,” Bashir responds without missing a beat. “Do you know how they got leaked?” 

“From early reports of the story,” Garak begins, pulling the news story up on his PADD, “a former lover of yours in college had these photos still stored in their metadata that they never cleared. When their data was hacked, someone must have recognized you and your position and–” 

“Yes, I get it,” Bashir cuts him off. “But I’m not concerned. I would like to see the pictures, though.”

“For what possible purpose, Doctor?” Garak asks. 

“Scientific curiosity.” 

“I think we would be better spent devising a strategy for what you plan to say to the Castellan tomorrow unless you plan to use your current strategy of nonchalance. Bold, but I fear- perhaps not terribly effective.” 

“Garak,” Julian says, fondly exasperated. “I have a plan.” 

Garak just looks at him until Bashir sighs. 

“It really is such a tragic irony,” Bashir says, with obviously feigned distress, “that I haven’t quite gotten around to detailing all of my research notes. I’m in the middle of developing no less than seven vaccines, but I fear some crucial data remains with me. I mean, if the Cardassian government is insistent that I be reassigned, I’m sure someone could finish my work… In ten years.” 

Garak’s jaw drops. “You cannot possibly be serious.”

“It is very tragic, Garak,” Julian continues. His voice is still in mimicry of sadness. “If only I remembered to add everything to the database! But since I do so many of my calculations mentally, I fear I never quite got around to writing them down.” 

“You’re going to threaten them? With the health and wellbeing of patients?” Garak asks, somewhere between horrified and more aroused than he’s ever been in his entire life. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Garak,” Bashir replies with a twinkle in his eyes. “I’m not threatening anyone! Just mourning all of the remarkable accomplishments a man of my scientific acumen could have achieved on Cardassia.” 

Garak chuckles for a moment before asking, “but, Doctor, as long as I have known you, you’ve never–” 

“Well, they don’t know that, do they?” Bashir replies, mischief dancing along his face. “Why, who knows what a human is capable of?” 

Garak shakes his head. “A dangerous game you’re playing.” 

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about,” Bashir replies with a knowing glint in his eyes. Garak has to look away before he embarrasses himself.  

“Now, can I see them?” 

Garak’s hand moves towards the PADD without thinking. He hasn’t personally seen them, and the pictures published covered important bits of genitalia (Garak is not disappointed. Don’t be silly.) 

“Certainly,” Garak replies. “Though, of course, it is for public consumption, so many of your more… Personal anatomy remains a mystery in the public eye. Rest assured.” 

Bashir gave him a wry grin as he took the PADD. “Very comforting.” 

Garak watches as Bashir’s face flashes through a hundred different emotions, embarrassment, shock, embarrassment again, and then… Sadness. 

“Is something the matter, Doctor?” Garak asks. Before he can help himself, he’s slid next to him, and they’re looking at the same photo. 

The young man looks very much like the Bashir next to him, though his hair is in a mound of tousled (and very becoming) curls that flops over his charming eyes. His body type, still quite slender, bears the obvious markers of youth. Garak is struck by how much younger he looks than even the sweet, sheltered officer he met all those years ago. 

“Oh, nothing,” Bashir replies, a bit sheepish and maudlin simultaneously. “It’s just– well, I was a beautiful thing, then. Wasn't I? I’m not thrilled that everyone and my mother can see them, but, well, I suppose I have much kinder eyes now. I used to be quite lovely.” 

Garak has never been quite able to describe the mechanics of Cardassian memory to Bashir. When he looks at the Doctor, he’s eternally seeing all of the versions and memories of the person he was before. The young, bright man- desperate to prove himself. The exhausted, cynical man he was during the war. The lost but hopeful person who appeared on Cardassia. He opens his mouth, and they all speak in concert- like fractals of a crystal. 

“Used to be, Doctor?” 

“Well,” he laughs, a bit self-conscious. “I’m– I’m sure I’m still perfectly reasonable. But–” 

Garak shakes his head. “Doctor, you are still quite young by human standards, if I’m not mistaken. Aside from which–” 

“Yes, age on Cardassia is a gift,” Bashir replies, brushing his hand through the air. “I suppose looking at him; I feel my age more. The lines on my skin and the way my body is not what it used to be.” 

Garak tilts his head and considers the man next to him. It is true that there were lines around his mouth now, faint but demarking, where those maddening dimples rest when he smiles. Lines on his forehead spoke of hours spent in deep thought. 

Cardassians change relatively little with age; between the ages of twenty-five and sixty-five, they tend, on average, to have a very similar external appearance even as their body ages internally. Garak’s never told Bashir how disorienting it is, looking at him and seeing every version of the man he was at the same time. 

“I think you need, perhaps, kinder eyes for the man before me.” 

“That is nice of you to say,” Bashir replies, with a tight smile, his eyes still tracing the youthful version of himself. Garak blinks and sees a twenty-eight-year-old brooding over Dr.  Elizabeth Lense. 

“I’m quite serious,” Garak says. “I’ve seen you change before my eyes many times, over many years, and have considered it a privilege. However, I am a particular fan of this version.” 

Bashir finally tore his eyes from the PADD and put it down. “No, you’re right. Apologies, there is no need for your pretty lies tonight–” 

Garak cuts him off. “They’re all true.” 

“Even the lies?” Bashir asks ironically.

Garak hesitates, knowing he can easily reply with a line that Bashir will recognize. He can move past this conversation. 

Or– Or– 

“My dear,” Garak says instead. “There are no lies.” 

Garak couldn’t have predicted Bashir’s gasp, the way he moves closer quickly, the way his hands reach out and pull back several times before settling uneasily at his side. 

“Is that so?” Bashir asks, and Garak sees him. Every version at once. 

“It is,” Garak nods and hesitantly reaches out. When he does, Bashir does too.