#- myself so i cant hurt anyone. and then i get lonely then try to interact or become too scared to interact and now so many people -

[qumiiiquinnquin]

my anger is hitting astronomical levels lately and i hate it

[v0idtalking]

July 6th, 2023

So this time it isn't the worst thing, I'm just on my period and my heart hurts with yearning so much yearning I'm near tears.

I don't have very fulfilling friendships in fact I have few general relationships at all so I really should not entertain thoughts about romance and I usually don't and can distract myself. This is why I try to interact with sapphic media in moderation bc when I consume too much it consumes me.

I want what they have so bad I'm so lonely I just want a girl I want a girl. I'm open to those of multiple identities but generally just Christ a girl any girl before its too late. I wish I loved someone and they loved me and we could be together in all the ways you can be with someone.

I couldn't even have it if I wanted to and it was attainable bc of my circumstances I'm not getting into. I've accepted I won't get to live like a 20-something until I'm a 30-something and that's fine it's never too late. sure there's some resentment and frustration but i understand the reasons behind this and it's under control and im individual and introverted by nature so im typically fine. but sometimes im just so overcome.

my peers get to interact and explore and be with each other. I know maybe i can have that eventually years down the line. but right now it hurts and seeing depictions of whats been denied to me and will be denied for a while is really fucking hard. its a silly goofy wah-wah problem, whatever, but it hurts me and is pretty unique to me and has ramifications nonetheless. It's just fucking tough.

I know im not a chance taker and im not a flirt or initiator but the fact that even if i wanted to try i cant and even if people might want me i cant. I cant say anything else except its tough and its unfair. i dont care if that sounds juvenile. it is unfair. and stop. I was raised to think this would be the height of my life and my time to have fun and connections and not be lonely but im the loneliest ive ever been.

it couldnt be predicted and its not anyones fault per se. I just wish I would have done more with my earlier youth now that im so unchangingly stuck with no ability to unstick myself and my family. it does a lot to you mentally. i won't pretend it doesn't or downplay it bc im sick of coping that way. distraction is one thing, denial is another. I guess these are all interconnecting problems.

Its tough, it hurts, I wish I had someone or anyone, etc. Long, long sigh.

Maybe it'll change in the next 3 years. Look, I can even go 5 years. I can do that. Im a stubborn fuck, I can do it. One day one day one day. Just keep going. It'll hurt forever but one day it'll hurt less and there'll be some remedies. All is not lost. I will be okay.

It hurts; i'll be okay. 2 notions side by side.

[everyman0]

A PALE BLUE GHOST

over on the discord, i announced my decision to make another trip to the Edge to try my luck at finding any kind of clue that could help me make sense of it. patrick gave me a whole lot of lip about not using his fucking mirror and other bullshit, but ill save that for another post. this is a lot more fresh and painful for me.

going back outside was a mistake.

i journeyed the five hours it took to get to the impenetrable black wall of the Edge. my plan was to walk down its length, survey anything unusual, you know. obviously i wouldnt have been able to observe all of it in one day as ive mentioned the area it covers is rather large, but i felt some effort was better than none at all, and i wasnt exactly comfortable with the idea of spending the night this far away from the house. simple enough right? there was nothing out of place on the way out here, so i hardly expected what i saw just as i approached the wall. 

it was jeff. sort of.

when i first saw him, he appeared almost like a reflection of me in the blackness. as i stepped closer to the wall, so did he step forward as well - until eventually seeming to step out of the wall entirely. we stood face to face, a mere foot apart, and i noticed then that his entire being was tinted with a pale blue.

i was terrified. i wanted to run away, but i couldnt make myself do it. so i asked timidly, "what are you doing here?"

jeff seems to come alive then.

"what? you told me to grab some stuff for the video today."

fucking bastard. i was still scared, but somehow i just knew he was mocking me. i frown, reaffirming my stance. i had to ask myself if jeff would even do such a thing to me...and then i figured yeah, probably - ghost or not.

"dont you dare pull that bullshit on me," i said, "those days are long gone." and they were. 

jeff laughs. "don't you miss it? simpler times." he splays his hands out like an offering. "cant be all that bad to pretend, for a little while."

i squint my eyes at him - both of them. these days i dont bother wearing an eyepatch, since the point was for evans comfort to begin with. now it doesnt matter that i have a gaping fucking hole in my head for all to see.

i ball my fists at my sides. "i dont have time to pretend, and i dont have time for this conversation - so lets get to the point. why are you here?"

"to see my old friend again! and to tell you there's always more than meets the eye." jeff then taps a finger underneath his left eye, and a phantom pain throbs in my own empty socket. i try to ignore it. 

"yeah, no shit," i say, and cross my arms. i was losing my patience. "if you're just going to spout vague nonsense at me like every other motherfucker does on a constant basis, i'm sorry to say but i will have to pass. i have more important things to do."

"like stand in front of this wall and bitch? is that what you're doing here?" jeff grins, and tilts his head at me. i just scoff, and deciding i had enough, i begin trying to do what i came to the wall for in the first place and begin walking parallel to it. jeff follows after me.

"im only bitching because here you are to distract me," i say, side-eyeing him, "so if you don't mind, kindly fuck off."

"i do mind, actually. why do you even want to leave? its paradise in here. no need to eat or drink, perfect climate, no irritating neighbors or awkward staredowns at the grocery store- you'd love it!"

i stop in my tracks. i hate that the sound of his voice is enough to get me to actually consider his words. but i do, and then i say:

"you know, for a while there, i did enjoy it. to an extent, anyways. you can only enjoy so much when you are all too aware of every little fucking thing. and maybe i could have handled the ghost thing, right? like you said, no neighbors or weird interactions. but then i saw this wall, and now i feel like a trapped animal - and im not okay with that."

"so if you couldnt see the wall, it'd be fine?"

i shake my head, "i came out here the first time to see if i could leave, and i wouldve kept walking if there was nothing to stop me. maybe i would have returned, after a while, had i done so. maybe not." i shrug, somewhat frustrated at the thought. "a wall is a wall, whether i can see it or not. seeing isnt the problem, the existence of the thing is."

"well yeah, but you can't just leave." jeff says it like its obvious. in hindsight, maybe it was. i could already imagine a few reasons as to why, but i wanted to pry out what jeff seems to think the answer is.

so i ask, "and why is that?"

jeff answers: "because there's...people, out there? like, innocent fuckin people, dude." well duh.

i roll my eyes, "im aware. but what does that have to do with me, exactly? habit is already somewhere else doing god knows what."

jeff looks on blankly. "we don't need two of you out there."

ouch. and unfortunately, on some level i believe it to be true. and the implication that i would intentionally hurt or even kill anyone like habit would...im sadly all too aware of the likelihood, really. it doesnt hurt because i feel bad, it hurts because i dont. however, i wasnt about to let this guy know that.

i say, "it's not like id be very social anyways. at this point, i dont think i could even stomach it."

jeff takes on a darker sort of air about him. "evidently so, based on how you treated evan. do you have your head screwed on straight, dude? because like, holy shit was that hard to watch."

i tense up, and i can feel a spark of anger rising from within me. guess it didnt matter what i tried to hide, jeff knew what weak points to hit.

"i was just trying to protect him." 

"uh huh," he nods, "sorry vinny, but you're not the guardian in this one."

"clearly," i grumble, "but i was fucking trying, okay?" i was trying. jeff thought otherwise.

"yeah, trying to get everyone killed. thanks for that one, by the way. you've been self absorbed, irresponsible, reckless and horrible to everyone around you that isn't the entity playing games with our lives, and you can't keep pretending it's not true! do some soul searching. meditate. i don't care. but you're not leaving any time soon, so you'd better get used to it." jeff jabs me in the chest with a pointed finger.

it didnt take but a moment to process jeffs words, and ultimately, i agree with him. im a terrible fucking person. i just am. but i wasnt going to give jeff the satisfaction of me fessing up to it - because i felt like all of this was beginning to become unproductive bullshit and i wanted to do what i came all the way out here to do dammit.

i go to smack jeffs hand away from me, but i come to find that i simply pass through him like he was air. i felt the jab, though, even if superficially. this confirms my suspicion about the ghost thing, but jeff was different from the ghosts in the town; like being able to talk and acknowledge my existence.

i take a step back, "we'll see about that. who the fuck made this wall, hm? you of all things must know right? since you are apparently a plethora of knowledge of good and evil now. can you do that much for me jeff?"

jeff considers my words before he turns away from me to face the terrible wall, his hands on his hips, and his head craning back to presumably observe the wall's endless climb into the sky above.

"habit designed this gaudy architecture as part of his grand scheme. you probably could have figured that much, eh? but what you wouldnt know is that its been here since the very beginning, before you even arrived at the house." he looks back at me, "come on vin. you should know by now that habit is well prepared...even if this timeline is bonkers. you shouldnt need me to tell you that."

i grumble in annoyance, but consider his words carefully. sure, maybe i didnt need him to tell me habit was a suspect in all this, and maybe i could have figured that out just by doing what i had originally planned with scouting the perimeter of the wall. but...here jeff was, telling me things outright. it was a convenient time saver really, even if he was going about it in a bitchy way. i needed to take advantage of this.

"so, if habit made this cage to keep me in, why shouldnt i try to break out? why shouldnt i try to fight his subjugation?"

"one, because habit has eons of experience over you and you'll likely fuck something up really badly," jeff says, and turns towards me again. "two, you're part of this place now. removing you would shatter a really delicate balance. the house is a place of fluctuation, because there's not enough power to sustain herself. and you're radiating power, dude. would you really just abandon her like that, after all she's done to keep you safe and alive?"

ouch again...ugh. i dont usually feel guilty over a lot of things, but jeffs second point seemed to get to me.

i relent. i cower my head to stare at the ground. "i wouldnt have left her forever."

jeff gives me a disappointed sigh. "go back home, man. she's really worried about you."

i bite my lip and give the slightest of nods. i still want to do what i can to escape, and i hadnt forgotten about why i came to the wall in the first place...but jeff's words had me thinking about my desires for the house. in truth, the house and i have formed a strange sort of...i dunno, friendship? its the closest human word i can think for it. i would talk to her, she would listen. id even clean up her rooms, even though ive observed that she can do it by herself.

i think she may be the only thing in this world that can understand me now.

so i feel like in some weird way, the house cares about me. she has done quite a few favors for me, after all; favors that kept me safer. jeff was right again, and i couldnt shake the wrongness of abandoning the house enough to continue talking my way out of this bind.

it was time to go then. but first, i look back up at jeff.

"what about you?" i ask, my mood seriously taking a nose dive off a cliff. sad and desperate and pathetic and lonely. "you came all this way from wherever, however you did it, to tell me all this...are you going to leave me now too, just like evan?" fuck. "i wouldn't blame you if you did...but i have to admit, it was nice seeing you again."

and truthfully, it was - despite the treatment i received. its fine. i deserved it.

jeff leans in, and i can feel the pity in his eyes as he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"that choice isn't mine to make."

and then he shoves me away from the wall with a force that sends me tumbling across the ground a good few feet. i think it fucked up my shoulder. its fine. deserved that too.

and then i went home.

>>

[chainsawb0y]

hi sorry for not really doing much lately ive been kinda super out of it but when am i not anymore 

more venty stuff under the readmore tldr: shit sucks and im decorating my house and i hate myself the usual affairs if you read it all the way through i commend you for your dedication for wanting to know why im bummed out rn. this is basically like a long rambling thing that i kept adding shit to in random places

tw: dysphoria

i keep thinking about things and just feeling generally kinda bad about lots of shit and like it swings a lot from me feeling like happy and then just being totally fucking miserable at random all the time. i dont know what it is but its annoying the shit out of me. i feel like im ok like 10% of the time and then the other 60% is me feeling like shit and 30% trying to recover from feeling like shit 

ive been decorating my house too and thats been shit tbh my housemate gets stressed out and then takes it out on me but i cant afford to go anywhere else and id rather be dead than live with my mother and i just dont want to live in the city where my dad is

i want to do more stuff creatively this year but every time i pick up the pen i just think of my long term ambitions and realise this website isnt exactly the best for it anymore, but theres nowhere else i feel comfortable posting it anymore. i keep doubting myself and my work and when i draw certain characters i get anxious im going to be accused of ripping other people off. i know it wont happen, but i just have horrible anxiety when it comes to these things. i want to work but i feel like nobody takes me seriously as an artist or a comedian. i know where a lot of my self doubt/anxiety comes from but its just upsetting because i have so much stuff in my head that i cant even bring myself to do because i just dont see the point of it. i know it’ll get no attention at all whatsoever apart from roughly 2 likes, 3 reblogs and then at least 5 self reblogs from me desperately trying to get someone to see something i spent so long on. i dont do art for myself, i do it for other people to see the cool stuff i made up to entertain people and i like to make people happy and i just get upset constantly feeling like nobody is seeing anything because this hellsite is going down the shitter and people are jumping off like old people from a sinking ship. slow and fucking painfully because of the fucking bots everywhere

im like, constantly bitching about gender and sexuality shit but like.......... i always feel like im never gonna have anyone really love me. . like. people like me. people know who i am. nobody knows me. nobody gets me. i know thats bullshit lone wolf talk but like im not even kidding tbh.  im so massively fucking lonely it hurts it just fucking hurts so much i just fucking miss feeling like someone actually cares about me . i feel like i have no friends sometimes. like, i have online friends who i love with all my heart but i just dont feel like i have people in real life i can really talk to about deep personal shit. i dont feel close to people irl anymore and i cant understand why. i feel like this is cause of some bad shit thats happened in the past and its just made my brain turn off the “trust people” switch. my brains gone from “everyone is friend” to “everyone is person and people scare and upset me so i cant engage properly because i dont know what they will do. must keep some kind of distance, put on some kind of persona or something and be nice” i dont know what that persona is but im sure as fuck not able to look into it without being some kind of horrible mess. i dont know if im nice or not. i dont know who the fuck i am and it freaks me out because im sure i have some kind of horrible thing deep inside me that i have to cover up by being overly nice and sweet and an actual doormat .. most of the times the conversations i have with real people always have some kind of sex talk in them at one point and i dont have the heart to tell people it makes me uncomfy. i want to talk to people again and i want to go out more, but i just dont know how to get myself outside with people without feeling massively anxious or just feeling like nobody wants me around. like i feel like nobody ever really thinks about me in the least selfish sense. i know it sounds weird and narcissistic but i never get messages off people. i try to interact with people. i want to be friends with people but i just dont feel like i fit in anywhere and i really wish i did. i wish i felt like i could anyway. every time i go out i just feel like i dont belong anywhere with anyone and i thought i did for a little while but then i just couldn’t afford to go out anymore and it just went away immediately. i dont know why but sometimes i get really overloaded by people really quickly but when im outside i find it really easy. i just wish it was easier to talk to people about things. its like whenever i talk to anyone i immediately worry that im being weird or dumb talking about specific aniamtion things or stuff i can actually contribute to but everyone else is always talking about politics or sex so like.... i cant contribute ever cause most of the time its sex stuff or devolves into sex stuff and i just ?????? cant

also dysphorias back whee i hate having a chest it makes me so mad that i cant wear nice things because im constantly paranoid people will see my chest and assume im a girl. i hate people see my face and assume im a girl. i would rather see myself slowly rot away than take female hormones to solve my hormone issues because i dont want to lose what little i had that makes me look a little bit masculine and i know it sounds fucking idiotic but oh my god im so sick of looking and sounding like a girl!!!!!!!! i hate being called miss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate that my mother wont even call me ash !!!!!!!!!! 2/3 of my family members refuse to think im not a girl and i want to die bc of it !!!!!!!!!!!

im just fuckin trying to deal with all this stupid fucking shit and i keep getting appointments for help cancelled and pushed back and i need help but i never get it !! : ))) the only help i managed to get just ended up talking about fucking specifically sex shit and it made me so uncomfortable i never went back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even tho its literally the only place i can go for trans/ace specific help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[confessionsofa-roleplayer]

Honestly? I feel VERY jealous, resentful and mostly just pissed at myself.

I feel very highly jealous of my roleplaying partner and I’m starting to feel resentful now of her a little, because she has a million friends compared to me. I’ve probably been always a little jealous of her and resentful because she hasnt had her trust violated to a point where she’s so scared she isolates herself. I’ve been fucked over by a previous rp partner and my once closest best friend and I cant get the fuck over it. So it’s all my fault that I feel pretty damn lonely. I try to interact with others but I literally cant fucking click with ANYONE ooc, which leads to me losing interest in the RP & the mun in general. I need to click with muns, but trying to rp here scares me so fucking much and so does anywhere else. Especially when my boundaries have been ignored by a million others, which have only added to my trust issues. A majority of muns also just clash too much with me, personality wise. So there’d be more drama OOC vs any rping or interaction if I tried to stick anything out.

I’ve been starting to get more resentful because she’s showing less interest in my characters, yet she expects me to be interested as fuck in hers. However it feels fucking terrible to be so resentful of a girl who’s so damn nice for the most part. Because honestly, she’s not really guilty of much other than being a little clueless [& having a ridiculously big heart that Im scared of turning bitter as mine here with how sensitive she is].

So Im pissed at myself & trying to contain my toxicity as best I can to avoid hurting her. I just feel pissed for getting annoyed and jealous of a nice girl. I’m also a little pissed that I’m such a fucking skittish person who’s a snob.

[tommyshep]

OK I GOTTA RANT ABOUT PERSONAL SHIT BUT IM THROWING IT RIGHT UNDER THE RUG HERE (under the cut) SO YOU CAN IGNORE THIS I REALLY DONT CARE K THANKS

(update: its fucking LONG you really dont have to read it i swear. its just self pity and sadness hahahahhah)

ALRIGHT FELLOWS FIRST OFF im so fucking lonely yall, i met a guy recently tho (correction i knew them for a year and always thought they were out of my league and we have had mutual friends but rarely ever talked ourselves and then one day out of the blue they came up to me and hugged me and declared us friends??) but we were supposed to hang out this weekend and it was gonna be like the first time i hang out w a friend in foreverrrrrr but they had to cancel bc they got sick. i dont think they were purposefully trying to blow me off, but that happens to me a lot. i try to make plans so that i can get myself out of the house and then people cancel.

and my best friend (best is used loosely, more like the best friend i have but we’re not that close anymore and she has plenty of people she’s closer with) has a new best friend. i used to be able to go to her house all the time and just lay on the floor or whatever and that was our thing, but now i feel sorta weird around her cos we dont talk. like even if we hang out theres really no connection and i feel like a burden and shes always like “uh ya sure you can come over” and then i feel like shit. again its not her fault, but she was always someone i could just be myself around and now i feel like shes gone.

aaaaaand i have a bunch of online friends, some who i met on here and others who moved away and now this is the only way we can talk. but i feel like im ALWAYS the one to text them first. (this isnt about anyone on here btw!!) i have to start the conversation and thennn theyre like “omg i miss you so much we need to talk more!! how are things??“ and the whole conversation is just us catching up and then at some point they dont respond and then i message them again a few months later and it happens again. its not like i think they dont care about me, but they clearly have so much else going on just bc they have a life of their own and friends and school and all this that i dont have, so they dont think about me unless i text them. it gets exhausting always texting first and feeling like im forgotten about, especially cos i dont want to tell them that im feeling this way cos i dont want them to feel guilty since its not their fault.

ive tried to stay in contact with people from my old school, and at the beginning of the year i would go to every single concert and theater production that theyre all in. and they would do that thing where they tell me they missed me and we catch up. but what bugs me is that they always say “i dont see you enough, we should hang out!!” and im hear thinking, this IS my way of staying in touch with you. nobody asked me to come to this concert, i just put it on my calendar and showed up because i wanted to see you. they never return the favor or anything, which i understand that again they have friends and school and lots going on. i just feel so fucking lonely yknow? im going to prom with a guy next month as friends, but im not even looking forward to it anymore because we never talk so i dont even really care. my mom always tries to be like “what do you mean you dont have friends? youre going to prom in a few weeks!” and like, ive tried to hang out w this guy more but he always cancels or he doesnt have a car and it just hurts yknow.

and school is going shitty rn and i have a lot going on but i cant talk to ANYONE about it and wow i didnt realize i was this sad until i typed all this shit up. what the fuck.

i have all these great opportunities this summer where im going to meet new people but im so fucking scared cos i feel like i dont even know how to have friends. and the second someone is friendly with me i start envisioning us as best friends but then i remember that i cant keep friends so it all gets fucked up and i just want to have a normal social life.

i feel selfish saying it but even the people i do have as friends (the ones who i have to text first, etc.) i could honestly live without. i see/talk to them so rarely that its like whats the point. the times we do interact it takes so much emotional input on my part that it just brings me down. i want a friend group sooo bad. like three or four friends who i can hang out with, we’ll have a group chat that lasts more than a month, and we’ll do whatever fun shit friends get to do.

i keep telling myself that i’ll have friends once i go to college but thats in like a year and a half?? and i can just picture myself freaking out in the weeks leading up to school starting, thinking that i’ll never make friends in college. and people tell me im being stupid and that of course im going to make friends, but the past few years havent shown me that!!!

sorry yall im just really emotional and i have a TON pent up but i cant seem to cry anymore and i feel like im on the verge of tears but i Cant and it sucks. and school is stressing me out and i think i probably have adhd which is getting in the way of everything and i have a huge thing this weekend and im Not prepared but i cant seem to get myself to DO ANYTHING i just sit in bed all day and lie to my mom about my assignments and i want to die i have a 4 page paper due in the morning that i havent started and fjwawkfjweioafjeiwofjiwoa

((((((it probably doesnt seem like ti but this feels really good to get out. i just wish i could dooooooo something)))))))

[frownnee]

another rant lolol

tl;dr: i am lonely LMAO

I really want to be in love, I want that feeling of joy and fear and pain. I want it so badly but I know that right now isn’t a good time for me emotionally.

i know that what i REALLY want is to escape and to distract myself of myself by projecting everything onto one person, i know that and i also know that isn’t fair for anyone.

I really want to have a person, like MY person, not someone that I own (bc you can’t own people) but like someone that gets me. someone who understands me even when I don’t understand myself. It’s hard asking/wanting that in a person though, especially since i’m so young and it’ll be harder to find that person since people at my age (including me) are still trying to grasp who they are as a human. I think i’m just so incredibly lonely, i really miss having human connections and interactions. It’s a side effect of being quarantined, i’m aware, but i really am lonely. I’ve always been lonely before covid, i think it’s only been highlighted more since I don’t have anything to distract me now.

i really want to have a human connection, i want to be in love, i’m impatient for it and i just crave it constantly. it’s so annoying and unmotivating to hear “it’ll come and go, you just have to wait for it” bc i don’t want to, i really don’t want to. I know that in the end, i HAVE to wait for stuff like that to find me bc that’s just how it goes but it makes me feel so alone. so afraid and desperate, like there’s a big weird hole in my body.

i really want someone to look at me and just smile for no other reason than that i’m here with them. i want someone to just be so happy with me living, to be content with our silence bc as long as it’s OUR silence, it’s special. I cant wait to be in love, to have someone feel so safe to me and that feeling being reciprocated.

I want love so badly, it hurts so much to think about not having it. I feel so empty being aware of how loveless I am, there’s always a strong pit in my chest of want and desire that won’t fill.

i can’t wait to fall in love, i can’t wait to grow old and have that person with me, i can’t wait to bake for them, i can’t wait to have our sweet silence together. I can’t wait to feel safe and warm with my lover, i truly cannot wait to be loved.

[the-stray-liger]

hey Liger do u have any advice on how to survive with barely any human interaction & being so touch starved that even the idea of a girl holding ur hand makes u excited? also how do i jump in bloodborne i cant get it to work properly

Jumping in Bloodborne is easier you just mash circle until something works 

I’m gonna say this straight away: this kind of anon asks asking me for personal advice make me very uncomfortable most of the time, because my life is a mess, I’m a manic depressive borderline suicidal person with very bad tendencies that can BARELY take care of himself and I can’t and really don’t want to be responsible for other people’s mental/emotional health when mine is almost nonexistant. 

I don’t know how to survive being lonely because I have felt like I am since I was 18 and my ways of coping have been abusing alcohol and smoke intermitently. I haven’t been able to have a stable relationship in years so I swore off trying to find a partner until I can figure myself out, rather than hurt anyone with my untreated borderline personality disorder that demands a kind of emotional compromising nobody should have to agree to. I am also asexual and VERY touch averse.

[rawvocal]

im going to wait

it's going to take a long time

it's just a silly movie stop

i want to love someone

i cannot love someone

my talent allows me prove i have a soul

i can show myself im beautiful

i want to hold someone and care for them

i want them to know im capable of not only feeling for them but doing well for them

i dont want to be a walking party trick anymore

the purpose of me being a musician is to use my art to communicate things which inform, heal and transform the internal lives of others

i wish the same for how i interact with other people

it is not as simple as having a girlfriend

it is about allowing myself to accept myself

it is about being willing to share it with others

to feel less sorry for myself and exist in positive forward steps granted only by faith in my own abilities and the universe itself

i want to cry

i am angry that i cannot achieve what i want to

i don't want to be normal

i just want to be functioning

i want to be less afraid

i want to be less awkward and ashamed of my insecurities

i want to feel less behind like a little kid

i feel small

i want to cry but I dont I just feel anxious

i go on laughing too hard

i want to stop desperately looking for someone to have feelings for

saying all of this proves nothing im getting it out of my system

oh come on people are dying

grow the fuck up and STOP talking about it

either do something or dont

if not dont stand around wishing you did something about it, just keep your mouth shut and do your work

be sad about it but stop feeling so sorry for yourself if you can fix it

people have worse problems

fuck you

this is why you wont find someone

because u dont love urself enough

finding someone isnt all there is

but u make it so much more because you dont want to be alone

MAYBE try being a little less of a pussy and a little less sensitive

maybe grow up and recognize u probably arent going to date anyone for the next year

grow up and recognize you are TOO FUCKING WEIRD and absurd for people

your world view is too limited

your perceptions are skewed by ur own self depracation

you are not responsible enough to care for another human

you are too negligent and weak to handle the stress of a relationship

your personality is too fixated on being perfect to be loved by anyone in the ways you desire

you have no sense of humor you just say dumb shit

AND YET YOU EXPECT THiS TO HAPPEN

you're going to try and try and FAIL AND FAIL OVER AND OVER AGAIN

you're going to try so fucking hard and its NOT going happen for at least a few years

you are good but you are too hard on urself and thats very immature

it's why you arent a top notch pianist

they all know you dont know how to practice

you are good but it's just not going to happen, you cant find love or even just dating now, you are off the grid, you are not an option, you are just a novelty, a talented cuteish looking guy with pretty eyes and a dimple and that's all. You have depth but you are not kind enough to yourself to be willing to share that with a stranger under the fear of rejection. And until you can accept you are not good enough, you will never be good enough. It's weird since you know its true, but a small part of you disagrees with that. No girl wants to deal with this much doubt. Also stop measuring ur success by having someone to do it with. You suck anyways so dont expect it to happen. Just focus on being humble, get your work done, be kind to your friends and family, and sure, be sad about it. Just know you can always try, and even if you try it probably wont work out. It's a long waiting game and I dont think rejection would be good for you. You're too stupid to deal with it. Let those more capable take on that task.

i want to be a kid again so i can experience pure life

i want to go

i want to hug someone

i want to feel belonged

i want to give having someone less weight and importance

its 3:13am it's time for me to sleep

im very hungry

i miss that feeling

and i want it badly

but i know where it might lead me is not a path i can follow at all

i am not ready

ur classmates are ready

and it fucking sucks and it hurts and it makes me jealous

but ik im worth it for someone and when they come along ill just have to trust them on that

ill have to wait but i cant wait forever

ill give up now but i cant forever or else I'll be lonely

goodnight

[flowerjolras]

I love you and your blog and i wish you'd post more often

thank you so much and i’m sorry i’m such a mess i should explain myself

i’ve been lowkey staying away for various reasonsrequests for drawing things got overwhelming after a while, which is a terribly ungrateful thing to say because i love every single one of them and i love everyone who sent them to me even more, but i’m barely functioning and when i couldn’t get to them within a week i started feeling terrible and like it was too late, even tho, like, i knew i didnt //have// to do them, i wasn’t being paid or anything lol, but i still felt like an ungrateful piece of shit (and what some of my friends said in regard to the matter,,,really didn’t help either) so i sort of started distancing myself bc i didn’t wanna be active on tumblr while ppl knew/thought i was ignoring their requestsalsomy ocd was acting up and i have this compulsion where i cant have too many posts on my blog and i periodically go back and clean it, so to speak, and so i didn’t wanna post too frequently and there had to be a self imposed ratio of normal posts to asks/requests/art/original content which made it even harder for me to time when to post what and then it got out of hand and idkso i set up a queue to post one carefully selected post every 3-4 days but then that ran out and i had no time or motivation to be on tumblr bcwellmy friends sort of started ignoring or distancing themselves from me and so u didn’t wanna try and annoy them any more than i already was and being on tumblr seeing them interacting w each other all the time just made me feel so lonely and hurt and sad even tho i have no right, u know? im a fucking mess and im selfish and annoying ripand now i have a couple of kind anons who had sent me requests or asks while i was inactive that i saw but didn’t feel up to answering and i feel so terrible and ungrateful and sad and i have no right to ask for anyone to forgive me for being like this but i’m still so sorryi think that’s the gist of it although im sure there’s more i ought to saybut anyway, thank you again, and sorry for this rant you didn’t ask for

[deiima]

I really just want to write things out. Millie told me it could be very helpful, especially when I told her that I try to write down things instead of taking out my frustration and anger on myself and slashing myself (not that it work before yesterday) 

I have been more upset lately, especially since my session on Monday. I think it was because I said things and admitted things out loud that brought some truth to light. It is different when you think something in your head and then say it out loud and there is someone there to help you navigate through things. 

What is really bugging me about my possible BPD is that, I now know the reason behind my behavior and I don’t know how to feel about it. There is a sense of relief knowing that I am not the only one struggling through this and that there are people  out there who are also going through the same thing and that some have even managed to recover. But what hurts about this is that I only found out now and I wish I found out a year ago because so many things I have done, I question now. “Did I want to do that or was it because of my BPD?”

I mean, so many things make sense now. The way I am always scared of people leaving me, and me doing stupid things to push them away because I don’t want them to hurt me first. My emotional rollercoaster that I can’t seem to get a grip on. The tear fest that come out of no where. Me asking people to tell me the truth because I genuinely want to know, and when its a small criticism of myself, I break down or rage. My anger lashing out at those I love the most. 

and my self image and insecurities because everything just adds up to me thinking I am the worst creature that has ever walked this planet. And my wild driving lately. And knowing that I am self destructive and I hurt myself and I don’t stop  cant stop. And that I don’t talk to anyone thinking no one would ever understand. I just don’t understand why I turned out this way. Why couldn’t I be normal? Why am I so messed up in the head?

I’m doing it again aren’t I ? the self loathing that doesn’t seem to end. 

And most importantly, Amer. God. I don’t even know where to begin. I know I love him and it fucking hurts to know that I ruined the best thing that happened to me because I didn't get help earlier. I mean, if I knew this, I really think things would have turned out differently. And maybe it isn't healthy to think of the what ifs and could haves but, I can't help it. I mean, I pushed him away and my mind was yelling at me to stop but I didn't and I said all the things that would stop someone from loving you and did all the things I could think of to hurt him and now ... 

If I knew that there was a way for me to fight my demons, for me to understand that not everything in my head is right, I would have fought my thoughts harder. I would have talked to him more, explained myself more. But I didn't. Instead I let my fear of losing him push him away.

And even though he said he still has feelings towards me, that was a month ago. And I lashed out emotionally and he pulled himself away and when I wanted to talk, I couldn't and I didn’t know what to say and how to explain why I did what I did because I didn't know myself and everything just feels like a bottomless hell. And there was always this fear that he doesn't feel the same way anymore, but then I try to be hopeful and think that not everyone is like me and that their emotions are more stable and that they don’t  just feel something else for someone. But then a lot can happen in a month. And I saw his tweets about how love was the most destructive thing for him and how it is time to let go. And fuck did that hurt because apparently my head was once actually right and he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and it hurts so much it feels like my heart was ripped out of my chest even though there were signs. I mean, I can always ask right? but do I really want to know ? I would hope that he would tell me but not everything that makes sense to one person would to the other. and yesterday was nice and the same time it wasn’t because all these thoughts are in my head and I see how he’s interacting with others and he's happy and I feel like I am not part of him life anymore, and that maybe he likes someone else now - maybe even someone who was there, and I don’t know how to react. I mean, do I even have the right to? I said I don’t want to hold on to hope for something that might never happen (and he asked the same before, and I said no when I should have said yes) and now that the tables have turned, I don’t know what to do. Hope really is the most destructive thing ever. I want to hope that maybe someday things will work out. But I don’t want to be selfish, especially if he said he wants to move on. 

I don’t know what I would do to be honest. I have never felt this way before. I don’t care if I lose my other friends. I mean, I do but I know it wouldn’t destroy me the way if I lose Amer. 

I hate that I feel things in extremes, whether sadness or happiness. I hate that I can’t justify my feelings sometimes. I hate that I overanalyze things. I hate everything in my head. It’s so hard to deal with, and I wish I had someone to share this with because I know that maybe, if they knew, and didn’t mind having to deal with me, I would feel a whole lot better. And I can’t sleep nowadays, and so many things that I liked doing feel useless now. And I don’t want to deal with guilt and regret after sharing my feelings. And I am sick of isolating myself and then feelings lonely and knowing that I am the cause but not being able to do anything about it even though I really want to. I hate that small things trigger me. 

At times I want to just sit everyone I know now and show them all the things I found about BPD and explain why I sometimes I behave the way I do but I also want to take responsibility for my action because I can’t just expect people to understand. I wish they did though. I am so scared that won’t. I would even just give them a link to something as simple as a buzzed article that explains it a simple way and hope they would understands. But that is too selfish of me. So selfish and wrong and I can’t. I just can’t.

[unrrrreliable]

08.06.2021

so much stuff happened

i dont even know where to start lol. actually ive wanted to come on here a few times but i didnt know the password but oh well.

so to summarize all the stuff thats been happening/has happened this past 8 months: 1- school, no friends (in my class), same shit. 2- my dad got drunk on february 5th and got stuck in the fucking park at like 23.00 and my brother and i had to call security to open the gate and then we also had to call the police and the ambulance because he was too drunk and aggressive. and 3- i had this fucking piano competition on march 21st, got the 1 prize which was reaaallly wide as in a lot of people, even those who didnt really deserve it, got it. basically it was really fucking stressfull since i was practicing the wrong way, didnt make huge progress, wanted to stop and cried a lot. but hey its been a month (the 2nd and last part was on may 8th and it went pretty bad because i got like 5th prize. i know i competed against ppl who are in university but i still couldve done better and anyone who comforted me knows that. i also went to the therapist a few times. is it helping? well i cant say that it isnt, but yk. at least its someone i can talk to. 

right now i still have to practice for my piano exam which will be on june 24th. its going fine ig, although i didnt study properly for like a month. thank fuck tests are done bc i seriously couldnt do any more of that shit istg. 

to be fair whats worst in this precise moment is my school situation,. not academic, but social. so as you know, i havent reallyyy tried to be part of the boy group in my class, as in i dont really talk to them, mostly because i just have no idea of what to say to start a conversation so it gets really akward. but today my mom came into my room asking me if there was a cena di classe today and ofc i said no bc no one had invited me. but then i remembered that yesterday a few ppl were organizing something for today. i think it wasnt only the 4 guys but there also were some girls but im not sure. either was, not trying to be dramatic but that kinda hurt lol. like i know i dont talk a lot in class but what would it cost you to invite me. but whatever. i also cried 30 min ago. it felt good afterwards tbh. but i still kinda feel like shit. its just the fact that this whole school year ive been really fucking lonely. not 0 friend lonely, but generally in class i would be kind of a loner. like i only talked to the two girls who sit behind me and who of course have their own friend group, which they have had since middle scjhool. my middle school friend group basically dismantled since two of theme are in one class and therefeore formed their own group, two others went to another school and another one, which is basically the only one i talk to daily, is in a different school. and honestly we dont go out that much anymore because i stopped writing. i realized that i was the only one who would ever call them so i felt that i was being kinda clingy or maybe i just didnt get the message. anyways, i know that i couldve tried harder and actually get in the group but idk, i just didnt care. obviously it sucked to be alone and i knew why i was and what i had to do in order not to be it anymore, but idk why i just didnt try enough. so yeah this school year sucked ass. at least im changing classes next year. 

one of the reasons why i didnt really bond w them is that were just different people who have different tastes and interests. they talk a lot about video games and football, which i have no understanding of. generally every interaction i have with them is really akward. but still i feel like and know that i couldve tried harder. what sucked is that all my friends are in other classses and formed their own friend groups and are just moving on yk? it kinda tore apart the friend group but im happy for them. meanwhile i was stuck in that class. not many friends tbh, never went out and still never go out. wow nice im crying again. 

tbh what really sucked was going home at lunch or after school alone and seeing wveryone with their own friend groups. and yes again, i know that i could have waited for them or just tried to conversate with them, but whenever i waited for them or tried to catch up they just walked faster (not on purpose) but it was impossible to even squeeze myself in so i was just like whatever. also what really sucks is that they (plus another guy who literally is always hanging out with his girlfriend) are the only guys in my class. and i cant only hang out with girls cause yk.

i also miserably attempted to form a group which consisted of me g g v and v. it failed because g and g started getting all bitchy and viscious and i was like ok then fuck off. plus theyre always w their boy/girlfriend, and v is always w g. and i literaly have never even had a conversation with v. 

but im so glad m exists. shes one of my best friends. i really like being around her, talking to her, i like the way she just lives life and is up to anything. also she’s always there. i just love her so much. not in a romantic way though. i also really like f but she hangs out with her boyfriend every satuday, which was the day we used to hang out. i still love talking to her and being with her. those are basically roughly the only two people i hang out with. like i cant really think of anyone else except for my old middle school friend group with which the last time we all hung up was in march. 3 months ago. i hung out w a, in the middle of april i think. but that was it. so of course we dont hang out regularly. also, i havent gone out for the entirety of may, which again i know is my fault, like i couldve asked anyone in my class. the boys dont really go out tho, bc i know e only hangs out w his out-of-our-class friends. and tbh i feel like if the 4 of them went out he would invite me (questionable?). but idk. but again, i really like hanging out w her, acc we went to milan on friday. it was really nice. we both enjoyed it a lot. theres still something i wanna say about her but my mom is calling me so i have to wipe out my tears haha

see ya

[cynical-amphisbaenia]

hello! if you wouldnt mind could i please get a classpect assignment? lunar sway and maybe blood caste would be cool too. i’m an entp, he/him, probably 7w6 but i’m not sure. i’m probably most like a realist rather than an optimist or pessimist, i use what i know to determine what might come into fruition. i’m not what most people expect when they first meet me, i seem really composed at first sight but i act kind of embarrassingly around my close friends. it feels weird to say, but i feel like if i joke about myself and act ridiculous deliberately, nobody can hurt me. i moved to another country as a kid, and tho i went back to my home country after a year, that year i spent in an unfamiliar place was a lonely one. thanks to that experience i learned how to cope with being alone, so as much as i enjoy being with my friends, i can manage well by myself. when i traveled back, ppl were intimidated by me for a while since i had that Lone Wolf Mindset but i was back to normal soon. i have kind of an old-timey aesthetic, when i was young it had to be explained to me that i couldn’t just wear a suit and tie anywhere (even though anyone totally should be able to). i like playing instruments, like the guitar, but i cant read like. that fancy sheet music. i just feel like its kinda tedious. i can talk to anyone who is friendly to me, and most of the time i’m polite with a tinge of irony, though playfully trying to one-up someone is always fun. i like to pretend that my aesthetic is edgy dark colors, but i’m actually just a sucker for that retro diner milkshake type of thing. i also really like vhs aesthetics?? i don’t like to consider my feelings for the most part, and what i want has to be achievable (by my standards) in order for me to be able to take myself seriously. this kind of clashes with the part of me that likes to question how far i can push things. although i’m not a planner, i try to remember that what i do now can influence my future, and i try to look into my past as a way of gauging where i’m headed. that being said, i kind of just believe that if i make the right choices, i’ll get where i want to be. uhh lets see, i love my friends a lot but i can’t tell them that, because it makes me feel things, and i don’t like that. when i was a kid, online friends were the only people i talked to, so i value having irl friends that i can physically see and touch and interact with... again, i couldnt say that to their faces, not rn, but i do love it. despite all this talk about being content by myself, i actually enjoy being included in a friend group, and i do anything i can to preserve my relationships, even if i’m far away (physically) from the people i care about. alright, thats it, sorry if that was long. thank you so much for reading if you got this far, all that was probably incomprehensible. dw if it doesn’t make sense you can delete this if it’s too long or anything. you’re doing gods work, chief -🦈

Hello, thanks for asking! My response isn't going to be that straight forward, apologies in advance.

First of all, you're most likely a Knight of Blood. Friendship, especially physical representations, are important to you and you wish to preserve it (i.e. protect it). Also, you carry some of the typical Knight traits of refusing to show that you actually care so much about your friends and forming masks in other ways. Knights can also sometimes lack parts of their aspect at first, which would explain your connection to Breath.

However, due to this connection you might want to consider something such as a Rogue or Bard of Breath. Rogues tend to be surrounded by negative traits of their aspect, which would relate to your experience of loneliness. They also tend to care greatly about their friends. However, there isn’t too much evidence of you being a Rogue. Similarly, although Bard would work due to you avoiding Breath and basically destroying it through forming friendships, there is not as much supporting evidence. 

So unless you do actually feel that some of Breath’s values (e.g. freedom, direction, change) align with you more than Blood’s (e.g. connection, society, responsibility), I would say you are a Knight of Blood. If you feel that Breath is more important, then to determine Rogue or Bard, try to determine if in forming friendships it’s more of a way to destroy disconnection or to steal disconnection - one will likely stand out to you more.

Now, when it comes to lunar sway and blood caste, this could entirely depend on your classpect. To explain - you could very well be a dual dreamer, however as Blood is more similar to Derse and Breath is more similar to Prospit, your balance could very well be because you have the opposite moons to these. So, if you’re a Knight of Blood, I would say you’re a Prospit dreamer, and if you are a Breath player, I would say you’re a Derse dreamer. 

Similarly, although you can consider Jade, Blue and Purple as all options for your blood caste, I would particularly consider Jade if you’re a Knight of Blood. This is because it would explain your Breath-like experiences. Jade bloods often go through periods where they are disconnected from people and may end up lone wolves, maybe only temporarily, as a result. If you are a Breath player, I would consider all of them equally though. 

I know to some extent, this is probably one of the least clear answers I’ve given, but I do hope it helps! Feel free to ask me to clarify anything or any other kind of question. ^^

[sorrynevermindanyways]

I'd like to believe that one of these days I wont resent the idea of love. Unfortunately, I dont believe it will be soon.

I think part of it is that I dont want "love" to allow me to trip and stumble into the stupid pitfalls of nearly all those around me. I cant say for sure that for the truly logically love actually exists.

Whenever someone shows interest in me, I become angry towards them. You like me? That's some unfortunate taste. My real personality is not really the loveable kind so either you only like the version of me that I'm presenting to you or some aspect of my body, both of which often make me feel sick.

And my feelings of romantic love have done nothing but make me look and feel like an absolute fool. Always chasing that which I cant have and dont deserve. Making myself look like a bumbling idiot in the process. I only hurt and embarrass with my feelings. I wish I could do away with them.

Even my platonic feelings. I have so many of them but I cant let them show because I oscillate so often. Somedays I want to do everything and a half to show people how much they mean to me. Others, I would prefer not to talk to anyone if at all possible. I cant make people worry about pir relationship so I must do my best to maintain a manageable medium. Which is why people leave. I'm so busy trying to keep a normal that I dont pay enough attention to them and they find new friends. Better friends. Fair. Just wish they wouldnt waste both of our time with them deciding if they actually can or are willing to put up with me.

I push people away. All they do is let you down at the end of the day, isnt it? Why rest your weight on a cane if you know its bond to snap and injure you? Better to keep your thoughts and feelings close to your chest. Where no one else can get them. Touch them. Hurt them. How pathetically delicate.

I just worry that if I let someone in and they hurt me, I may never let anyone in again. I've let so many people in, but fewer and fewer as my hypothesis is proven more and more correct.

I would say that I'm sorry for all of this but I dont feel sorry. I feel that this is accurate and fair. I will do my best to enjoy the moment but

I'm so sorry ______. I would never want to do anything to hurt you. I find you fascinating and inspiring. I know you probably know what a pathetic little cliche I am. I hope you wont let it affect your interactions with me. I dont think I could bare to see you if it made you think so much less about me. I know I should put away my feelings, shove them deep down. I've been trying. But... for whatever reason, I cant let them stay buried. Like a stupid dog, I always come back to dig them up and play with them. It's such a ridiculous waste. I'll never be a part of your life. If I truly want you to be happy, I'll leave you alone and do as any good _______ should do. I'll try my best, I promise. Because, however you want to label it, I unfortunately have allowed myself to care very deeply for you. Not as deeply as you should be cared about. But I suppose that's was a _____ is for, right? You have your happy ending. I just need to be sure I never do anything to jeopardize it, due to my inability to control the leash on my emotions.

It's a lonely world when you refuse to let anyone in. But I'd much rather be frozen alone on the mountain top than melting and crowded in the crevices of the valley. I would sooner keep my pride and wits than let myself fall into the trap that so many others have been victim to before me.

[datingadviceonreddit]

I used to day dream about her. I'm sitting there, in 2nd period math, in my chair, and the lecture currently underway is merely a background murmur. I'm not in the class, I'm laying on my back in a grassy field looking up at the clouds with her, and were smiling. "Uh HuM?!" No, I'm in fact in 2nd period math.I want to tell her how I feel. I go through these scenarios in my mind, endlessly. There she is, its time. "Hi Lani, I like you. Can we hang out?"...."no, I kind of have a boyfriend".I'm crushed. I had thought of this moment for weeks, months even. What was wrong with me? How could I be so stupid to not know she had a boyfriend? What makes him better than me? She doesn't want me.This theme continued for me. In high school I blossomed. I joined the football program as well as track and field and went on to be a first team all league two way starter I was champion middle distance runner as well. I was tall, and super fit, and handsome. I had one girlfriend my whole high school experience and it lasted 3 weeks, and I kissed her one time. I was terrified of being rejected.College was similar. I played football, was a team captain, biology major, smart, handsome, and was utterly ineffective with any woman. I was the worlds leading specialist in the "crash and burn" approach. It was soooo hard for me to talk to women. The fear of being rejected and confirming that I am somehow flawed to the point of utter unwantedness was always there. I fact, even at victory house parties for the football players, I was there feeling lonely and having to drink a lot of beer to build some semblance of courage. Mainly the drinking was to silence the inner monologue of doubt. From time to time the stars would align and I would go for it. "Hi, I'm Nate. How are you doing tonight?" Sounds like a normal question. To me, it was like an alien probe sent out to detect even the smallest indication of interest. I'm holding it together, and I'm hoping we can get to phase 2. Phase 2 would be actually talking, as that would mean she may possible be interested, and maybe down the line, she may want me. Well, what usually would happen is that my anxiety would gradually build up, and I would be trying to make jokes to keep the conversation going while also assessing her every gesture, glance, and movement as to ascertain what she maybe thinking and in particular, how she might be feeling about me. And BOOOM. It would happen. The balloon of hope I had inflated by having her stand there interacting with me would pop. "Hey, you seem really nice, but I'm going to go find my friends now. Have fun, nice meeting you". Yep, truly unwanted. Another rejection.You know, for those "ugly" people that imagine this easy world for the attractive folks, I can say from my perspective that I would never wish to actually be ugly, but on some level I thought it would be easier. For me, to know I'm good looking, tall, and have a lot going for me, and to still be unwanted, that rejection and failure was about the essence of ME. I as a person was broken. I wasn't short, I wasn't fat, but I was flawed as a human being in some unknown way that I could not overcome with all the effort in the world. All the jokes. All the beer. Do you feel sorry for me? No. Good, me neither.Well, I have come to wake up to something really big. I have come to understand the nature of rejection, and in a way that has provided me freedom from the experience of being rejected. It doesn't remove the risk in life, and it doesn't guarantee any results, but it has freed me from ever living in the impact of getting told no in my life. That I can put myself out there, get told no, and not in anyway invalidate that no. In fact, when I think about it this way, I find some delight in being told no because I get to experience the utter triumph over who I used to be in this regard. That being told no doesn't have to mean im not wanted. It doesn't mean im not good enough. It doesn't mean that I can't have what I want in my life. No just means No. It's someone saying no to whatever I proposed, and that is very much separate from any judgements I make about myself.Everyone can relate to the experience of rejection. Everyone. But the question I present to you now is can you relate to being free from the experience of rejection? Not many can, because many people don't see rejection as simply and experience as I have come to. You live as if rejection is something that is actually happening. Go back to my first experience. What did Lani say to me? She said she maybe has a boyfriend right? Well then, who said that means that I'm not good enough? Who said that I am not wanted? Who said I'm hurt? Who said that I was rejected? Did Lani say those things? Did she intend to hurt me? No and no. So what I experienced was real, but only real as an experience. Lani had a boyfriend! She couldn't say yes to me>Do you know that most people fear being asked out because they hate having to say no? They feel pressure because they are aware of this human phenomenon called "rejection". Yet for the person being "rejected" they almost feel victimized. In fact, many harbor anger towards people who they feel rejected them.When you really look at the world of rejection, you see that someone is putting their whole identity at stake in a loaded invitation. Their emotional status, sense of self, future, happiness, it is all riding on the response of someone you barely know and doesn't know you other than whatever sentences you create. In this world where rejection happens out there and is real, your sense of self now requires no freedom for anyone else. You depend on a yes, and so subconsciously are applying the pressure to the other person who you are now dependent on to feel okay. IF they say yes, you will be overcome with joy or excited, and if they say no you maybe devastated or disappointed. Do you think this has any impact on the other person? Do you think that they may experience a loss of freedom in this scenario, even if not full aware of why this feels a little awkward? How many people take that No and have it be positive? How many actually feel hurt, embarrassed, or disappointed and try to win and oscar by stuffing that feeling and looking like they are okay? Like, no, that didn't bother me. I'm fine. In fact I'm so fine and dandy, ill spend the next few weeks showing you I'm not at all affected by ignoring your existence and being "happy" whenever I see you.So in the world of rejection, there are billions of opportunities to feel rejected, and people start to slow down. They stop going for it. They don't want to feel that pain, and they start to reduce their goals. They lower their standards. They pretend to not want things so they can avoid having to put themselves out there to get them. And, they think that rejection is real. Its out there waiting for them.I will say this, and some may get it. Rejection is ONLY real as an experience. It is a valid experience, and its shared almost universally in its many possible forms. It is however not real in the world, that rejection does not come from others. It is merely and interpretation, one that we are all individually responsible without exception for creating for ourselves. In fact, most people are not saying no to your whole being. It just no i don't want to get coffee late. It's just no, we are not hiring. It's just no, I don't find you attractive as a preference. IF someone truly intends for you to feel the sting of rejection when you ask them out, would what that sick person thinks of you really matter? What kind of a sociopath would conjure ways to inflict people with all of those feelings? And why on earth would you even care what that really hurt person thinks? Wouldn't them being that way warp them enough to no qualify to have any opinion.Its funny how when a new relationship forms, we have this consensus that tells us there has to be some time that passes before anyone truly knows each other. So saying I love you is off limits maybe for months, as nobody can know someone in only a week or two even if they dated everyday. IF that is the case, then why would you feel entirely crushed when someone you have known for 3 minutes has said they don't want coffee with you? How can that person really reject you? How can their choice actually define you in anyway, or have any meaning about you? Does that NO alter your credit scores? Does it retroactively change your GPA? Does it force you to miss payments on you car? Does it mean you cant be trusted to pick kids up at soccer practice? Does it affect the quality of the scrambled eggs you can make? Does it change the trajectory of your career? You feel like you lost something in life, but did you? No, you just made an effort to create something new, and it didn't happen. You lost nothing. So the experience you have is in fact not at all grounded in what is happening. It is a valid experience, but it is nonetheless not real other than as and experience. Its a phenomenon that only exists as a projection onto life, and you have mistaken it as life itself as if rejection has been actually happening. Nope, it never happened actually. It only occurred to yo to happen. It seemed to happen to you. But you in a sense said all those things about you. Even if someone said them, or highlighted some reason to reject you, they didn't make the impact. You had to give agreement to that to create the experience of rejection.The question is, what does life look like when NO is no longer experienced as "rejection" but rather simply experienced as NO? What if you can take NO and experience disappointment, but not ever rejection? What if you could actually try this today? Go deliberately try to get a NO just to notice what YOU make No mean. What happens to someone when No simply means No? It's powerful. You give up resisting no, and many of them become a yes as you take the pressure on the other away. You take the attachments away. Your reaction to NO is refreshing and can be surprising even. When you can take no as just no, you will have more freedom to get back on track with what is important to you, and start to look at how many goals or things you said you loved or wanted in life you have pretended to move on from. How many things have you given up on in life just by fearing being told no? And this whole time you have lived like that rejection was out there, and in a sense, have been dominated by that concern to a point where you have stopped yourself.No means No. The rest is your interpretation. You can keep it. Its valid and real for you. But, you are the sole author of that interpretation. Nobody else. When you start to accept no, and you can give up the ideas around rejection actually happening to you, you will have freedom and you can start to try to get as many NOs as possible because it is also inevitable that you would get that YES that would make the difference. So go and try to get a no. It doesn't mean anything about you. Being able to be with no, that is power. via /r/dating_advice

[theparaminds]

The importance of isolation and love in music can never be understated, both being essential drivers to creation and devotion to the craft as well as creation of meaningful content. For Mississuaga artist Mileena, this is all too familiar, knowing the pain of heartbreak as well as the opportunities it passes along, opening the door for new love and all the music in between. Mileena is a growing master of emotional expression, using her lofi sound to connect to the listener in a way fresh and new, yet so familiar and friendly. 

Paramind had the amazing opportunity to chat with Mileena on her inspirations, ambitions and future plans...

PM: First question as always, how is your day going?

Mileena: It’s going quite lovely so far, thank you. 

PM: For those who don’t know, who are you and what is that you create?

M: My name is Mileena, I’m an artist who writes, sings and occasionally kinda raps to lofi tracks. I also take pictures sometimes. 

PM: Of all the work you've created, is there any that stick out to you as one’s your specifically proud of? And while being proud, how do you not allow yourself to settle for where you are artistically? 

M: In retrospect I’m proud of all my work but i think I’d say right now my fave is the third song on my recent release Honey Blues, called Sunshine. I feel like I fell off for a moment with my writing and sound but I bounced right back when I wrote that track and it set me on fire. It felt good to perfectly translate how I was feeling into lyrics after feeling so off, so I’m for sure proud of the comeback. I’m also a firm believer in us as human beings being in a constant state of change and growth and when it comes to music and writing, it’s no different. I could never settle with where I am because I know i can get better and do better than I did before and so im in constant motion artistically. If I’m taking a break from songwriting which I often do to experience things to write about, I try to fill my time with other art like poetry or shooting to getaway from music a bit but this way I’m still keeping my creative-ness (so to speak) alive. 

PM: Is there a certain aesthetic you work to achieve in your sound? 

M: To be honest I have no fuckin clue, my aesthetic is kinda all over the place but really and truly I just want to embody myself. My music is where I get to be honest with myself and others so really I just want my sound to be wherever I’m at.

PM: Has that aesthetic been inspired by other artists, whether musical or not, and if so, by who? How did they change how you approached music and creation? 

M: Noname’s sound altogether just took me so off guard in the way she took rap music and made it soft. And really I’d never heard music like her’s before and it made me realize that rapping could be like that 100%. That really your sound as an artist could be whatever the fuck you wanted it to be and that you didn’t have to fit in a box. I used to be really insecure and so I always felt a really strong need to belong in terms of genres and what the typical artist from said genre should be like but Telefone pretty much drove me to saying FUCK IT. I was a late bloomer on Tyler but he reinforced that too with how fuckin different he is and how he highkey inspired a whole new generation of music that I feel like the industry will never give him credit for. Also Frank (of course) and Syd with her soft voice that can really get on any track and belong there. I have a soft voice too, so my music’s usually moody n’ slow but she makes me wanna push my boundaries. 

PM: More so, aesthetic directly relates to emotion and experience, do you find you have a such feelings you’d like fans to take from your music? Maybe a mood it should put them in? 

M: I want them to relate to my stuff if anything. I’m usually talking about boys n’ how they love and hurt me all at once but these feelings aren’t new to the human race and I know people know exactly what the hell I’m talking about in my music. I want them to feel close with me because I open myself up to the world when I release something, my shits really honest and from the heart and the things I’m talking about are real. Its kinda cheesy but I want people to know that theyre not alone in all that love shit, I know what It’s like to feel super lonely and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. 

PM: On the topic of your fans, do you have any future projects to share with them going forward? 

M: Be patient with me I’m going to knock ur socks off...

PM: How do fan interactions affect you, whether positively or negatively, and how do they shift mindsets in how you present yourself? 

M: SOMETIMES I FEEL REALLY INSECURE ABOUT MY MUSIC BECAUSE I’M VERY CRITICAL AND ANALYTICAL OVER ALL MY STUFF, but when people approach me or DM me or anything me about my music it really fills my heart with some motherfuckin JOY. Somebody actually DM’d me recently asking when I was going to release something new and told me they liked everything I’d put out so far and to hurry up. It really motivated me a lot, especially because I was feeling SUPER insecure at the time. Feels weird calling them fans because I still feel like the same lame brain I was in highschool but somehow people think I’m kinda cool now, but they really make me want to do the best I can. I appreciate them more than anything. 

PM: As time does go, how do you see your style developing, whether instrumentally or conceptually? 

M: Well, as I keep working at it I’m only getting better. Instrumentally and stylistically I’m always exploring new sounds, but really Imma go with what feels right with my soul typa girl so who knows whats in store. 

 PM: What is the most valuable asset to growing and developing as a musician? Is it experience, practice, reputation etc…? 

M: Staying humble. 100%. You can be hella fuckin confident, but you gotta stay humble. If you don’t you won’t grow or improve much and youll be stagnant. You can be great but it doesnt mean you cant be better, so you gotta push yourself and have the drive to always get the upper hand on yourself. Be critical, he honest, and get off ur ass n’ get shit done! 

PM: Above all though, how do you hope to make yourself stand out and really make a mark?

M: Imma be the best fuckin me ever. Ain’t nobody popped off with longevity following waves. I wanna make one, and I want people to only be able to get my sound from me and me only (unless im out here inspiring people ya know). 

PM: How can you establish yourself in a tier of your own and one which will continue to innovate while engaging?

M: It’s definitely hard doing things and making music other people around me arent but, it’s all about doing it and doing it well. I’m establishing it by being different and shocking but undeniably good and I’ll continue by getting better and better as I polish myself off. 

PM:  Is there anything or anyone you want to shout or promote? The floor is yours… 

 Shout out to my mom for making me and all the people that actually fuck with my music, I love yall and I see you.

Listen to and follow Mileena:

SOUNDCLOUD

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM 

words and interview by guy mizrahi.