#2. you can be psychologically addicted to it like oh i cannot do without my weed even if you won't have severe physical withdrawal symptoms

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

ppl who do mushrooms and weed bc they are "natural" (many things are Natural and doesn't mean they are good for you) will literally say shit like actually is has been PROVEN mushrooms are much less dangerous than alcohol!!!! alcohol is the DEVIL!!!!

gurl a glass of wine will never do to you what mushrooms can do to you. i've had a friend almost die bc she took "very safe" mushrooms that were legal and guaranteed by a certified shop owner that they were okay. she took a small, recommended amount. and she had a trip so bad she couldn't drink water bc she couldn't remember how and then she couldn't sober up, or eat chocolate which usually helps, etc. and she needed to be supervised bc she almost died. and other ppl in the group weren't doing so great either.

[lizzy-frizzle]

I’m going to start this by saying, I have bias. Everyone does. I do not intend for this to come off as “the thing you like is bad”, but moreso “the corporation that controls the thing you like is manipulative”.

My background; I am a 26 year old trans mom, I have a history with addiction, particularly gambling, and spend most of my time playing video games. I have gone to college for about 3 years for my psychology degree, and while I do not have my degree, I have been studying psychology for roughly 12 years. This is to say, my views will reflect this background. Just because I present this information like I do, does not inherently mean I’m right, though it also doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Try to view things with a critical mind, and know that most topics have nuance.

Ok, so lootboxes, booster packs, gacha games, all of these are gambling. This is not really an argument. You are putting money into a service of sorts, and receiving a randomized result. Be that a fancy new gun, that same boring legendary you have 5 of, or that final hero you’ve been trying to collect. You don’t know the outcome before you give your money. As defined by the merriam-webster dictionary: “Gambling; the practice of risking money or other stakes in a game or bet”

You are risking your money in not getting an item you want. There are ways this is handled acceptably, and ways this is handled poorly. Gambling is also illegal to people under 21 in a lot of places, but places online aren’t quick to tell you why. I don’t have any sources because every source requires a paywall to get any information, but pulling from my own personal experience and what I learned in college, it’s because children are very impressionable. I say “I like pokemon” and suddenly my 2-year old can’t go anywhere without her pikachu. I remember distinctly playing poker with my mom and her friends when I was 12. When you normalize gambling, what it does is lower the risk aversion of gambling. You are less likely to see a threat in playing that card game, because when you are that young you have no concept of money. You don’t know what a dollar is, so why not throw it away so you can have fun. This is...I hesitate to call it fine, but it’s mostly harmless. The issue is with children and their lack of knowledge of money. When I grew up and got a job, it’s a lot harder to tell my brain, “hey, don’t spend that money, you won’t get it back and you won’t get what you want.” Because my brain just acknowledges the potential for what I want. I want to buy the booster pack so I can have the potential to get that masterpiece misty rainforest. I want to buy that diamond pack so I have the chance to get the cute hero. I want to buy that lootbox so I can get the battle rifle that does a cool effect. These are harmless concepts, but very dangerous.

Make no mistake, companies know how psychology works, and will use it to their advantage. MatPat from game theory states that companies have even go so far as to have systems in place that change the odds as you’re losing, and monitor your skill level to put you up against harder opponents, to see the better weapons and go, “Oh I want that!” and entice you to buy more lootboxes. As it turns out I found an article covering what he was talking about, Activision had actually acquired a patent to arrange matchmaking to do just that [x], and the article says it’s not in place, but my trust in companies is not high enough to actually believe them.(honestly, matpat made a 2-part video series about lootboxes, and I’d recommend watching them)

So, companies are trying to manipulate you to buy more gambling products. There’s proof of it. It’s also more blatantly obvious in games like Magic the Gathering, where they release fancier versions of cards at rarer probabilities. To better explain it, from a collector’s standpoint, you want the fancy card cause it has value, it has value because it’s rare, rarer than the other versions, so if you’re on the lower end of the income ladder you buy a pack, or two. After all, you could get lucky and get it. On the higher end of the income ladder, you buy the card outright and hoard it. Maybe sell it off later if you notice the price goes down. From a player perspective, you see a card is being used by tournament players, you want to win more games, so you want those cards, which encourages you to buy products and try to get those cards. That’s predatory behavior. It’s predatory from the company’s perspective because that poor person might not be able to afford the card outright, but $5-$10 isn’t much, plus they always entice you with that Chance. They also further this desire for the cards by making it limited runs, such as the secret lair packs, if there’s a low amount purchased and it’s made to order, or worse, if they limit the order capabilities themselves, that drives up the value, and provides further incentive to buy the cards and packs. This not only creates an impossible barrier between the poor and the rich, but also heavily encourages people buy their gambling pack than people would have in other conditions.

For the record, I love magic the gathering, I’m not saying the game itself is bad, this is just a VERY predatory marketing tactic.

Let’s switch gears. Gacha games. I play AFKArena, because like I said, I have a gambling addiction and cannot stop myself. In AFKArena, you collect heroes, and battle with them in various ways. If you collect more of similar heroes you can rank them up. If I’m to believe what I’ve heard, it sounds like this is pretty common for gacha games. So what makes it bad. In AFKArena you use diamonds to summon heroes, now, you can acquire diamonds by beating specific story chapters, logging in every day, random limited time events, or paying for them with real money. AFKArena hero drops don’t seem that bad compared to the free diamond amount they dish out, which has resulted in me not spending all that much money on it, all things considered ($20 over 2 years). I believe that for a mobile game like this, that’s fair. I get way more enjoyment out of the game than I do most $60 games, so it balances out. However, this isn’t the case for every gacha game, and my trust in companies, as previously stated, is very low. The issue lies in them making the rates for good heroes so low that you HAVE to spend money on the game to really get over a roadblock of sorts. I do think that there is this issue in my game and I just didn’t notice it, someone with a lower tolerance or patience might absolutely have the incentive to drop hundreds of dollars on the game over a month. There are people of all different flavours, and it’s important to keep that in mind when discussing these topics, just because a marketing technique doesn’t work on you, does not mean it doesn’t work on anyone. After all, they have those $100 packs for a reason, you might not be that reason but someone is. That’s predatory.

I feel like I’ve gotten off track, let’s get back on the rails. Where was...gambling...predatory…ah, kids. So my biggest issue, is that Magic the Gathering is marketed towards 13 year olds. Not directly, but the packs say 13+. AFKArena and any mobile game for that matter, can be downloaded by anyone with a phone for free, with minimal mention that there’s microtransactions. AAA title games like Destiny 2, Overwatch, Fortnite, etc. are probably the worst offenders. A kid spent $16,000 of his parents money on fortnite in-game purchases, and that’s not the only time this has happened [x] [x] . More often than not, what happens is, the kid wants to play a video game, like halo on xbox, or destiny, or something, they ask their mom for their credit card, and the system saves it. I mentioned before that kids do not have a concept of money or its value, so giving kids unlimited access to the credit card is going to result in this kind of thing happening. I’m not blaming the parents for not being hypervigilant, sometimes you are really busy, or disabled, or whatever the reason, and you don’t notice the system just saved your card. I’m not blaming the kids cause their brains are literally underdeveloped. I blame the corporations, because they make the process as easy as possible to prey on kids and people with gambling addictions. (as a personal anecdote, I found that if I want a magic card in MtG:O, I’m way less likely to try and buy it if I have to get up and get my card, I’d recommend not saving your card if you suffer from gambling/addiction problems)

So after all of this evidence, how can anyone still view these things as anything but predatory? The answer is simple. You’re told they aren’t. Businesses spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on really good marketing, and public relations. I tried to google why gambling is illegal for people under 21, and got nothing, I got a couple forums asking the question, and a couple religious sites saying it’ll make them degenerates. I try looking up sources to prove the psychology behind these concepts, but they are locked behind paywall after paywall after paywall. Businesses and capitalism has made it so incredibly hard to discover the truth and get information you need, and it’s on purpose. They want you to trust that that booster pack is a good idea. They want you to spend money on lootboxes (look at all the youtubers that shill out for raid shadow legends, or other gambling games to their super young fanbase [x]). They want you to lower your guard and go, “well, it’s a video game, how can it be predatory?” “it’s a card game with cute creatures on it, surely it’s not that bad”

But it is. So why did I make this post? I dunno, my brain really latched onto the topic, I see so many people enjoying gacha games, but I’m worried that it’s going to ruin lives...I just want everyone to be informed and critical of what is going on.

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-10-31

THE SPOOKTOBER SPOOKD8 IS HERE!  Time to blog it and hope to the lord of bones that it heavily features the 12-foot Home Depot Skeleton!  Continuing from last time.

Will John remember that he should be off protecting the other kids from running off?  Or will he search for Vrissy finally, now that he’s spent a literal DAY staring at his house burning down?

> (==>)

This is the last Blood tie with your childhood and the past you were clinging to like a man-child, finally cut.  Your psyche is no longer allowed to be....

....Housetrapped.

Now get your Breathy ass over to your more adult responsibilities.  Or do something as irresponsible as usual, but more forward focused and thus singularly impressive.

> (==>)

I LITERALLY GASPED

I knew I was a fatally addicted Homestuck fanboy despite the trauma but I didn’t know I was THAT much of a just-over-thirty-year-old fanboy, I literally GASPED out loud.  To finally have the joy and confidence for the future that comes with JOHN and KARKAT together IN PERSON and interacting with a common goal.

What a dramatic, perfect shot.  This IS Karkat right?  That’s what the visuals and my heart and soul said

> (==>)

THEY’RE CLOSE FRIENDS

CLOSE ENOUGH FOR THAT

KARKAT HAS COME SO FAR

Karkat and John conversations are some of the strongest in Homestuck, I ship them as FRIENDS so hard

It brings to mind something I mentioned in the Breath, Blood, and the Flow of Reality explanation/theorypost, which was holy shit SEVEN YEARS AGO wow

I didn’t always understand the appeal of John as a character, ranking him in the middle of my liked characters list. But after a while, I suddenly noticed how enjoyable he was for the things his conversations did to others, making his pesterlogs some of the most enjoyable to read. I wrote the following two years ago, in a character rankings thread, back when we knew jack shit about the import of classes and roles:

“I didn’t really see why I should think John was such an amazing character until I realized his consistent effect on the other party. He’s goofy and doesn’t really understand anything, but he understands just enough about his friends and others to make cutting, hilarious, almost unintentional insights that can change people for the better, even if he’s off the mark. It’s not what he says himself, but what he brings about in others that makes him so great to read. I mean, if you wall him off from everyone else… he kind of fails.

That’s why I take issue with the complaint of protagonist syndrome, here. John is very little by himself, but enhances all the characters around him immensely. Imagine if John were doomed to stay the least powerful and/or game-advancing of the kids and trolls combined; notice how little that would do to the story, or his beneficial role in it.”

John cut himself off from EVERYONE for YEARS in the Candy timeline.  He tried to be close to people and just ended up distancing himself from it.  He tried to keep himself tied down by his old home and memories of the version of Dad he lost, and all sorts of childish stuff.  But that tie is cut, and the bonds he’s forged need to be grasped to bring him out to exercise his maturity, because Breath is futile without real BLOOD.

> (==>)

Awesome shot.

KARKAT: ROUGH DAY, HUH.

(that was supposed to skip to 2:26 when you click but I couldnt embed it that way -- I haven’t metal geared i just seen clips and super best friends & know some memes)

So many scars.  I used to even ship Jane and Karkat a little so they could just be aghast together at everyone’s shenanigans and level criticism at them together, but to think Jane’s fought and hurt Karkat THIS much...

(And yeah, his blood color is shown through his eyes now at this age, that’s correct.)

> (==>)

Oh my fucking god, going from that to Sprite mode that abruptly.  XD

This is great.

JOHN: karkat? JOHN: what are you doing here? KARKAT: IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

Hah, SO close that Karkat’s immediately critical of NOT being greeted warmly.  :)

JOHN: this isn't a battlefield, it's just... KARKAT: THE OBLITERATED, SMOLDERING HUSK OF YOUR FORMER HOME. JOHN: well, yeah. KARKAT: WHICH WAS DESTROYED AS COLLATERAL IN AN ONGOING MILITARY CONFLICT. JOHN: oh all right, fine. JOHN: it just feels weird to call it that. JOHN: i guess i'm used to thinking of home as somewhere far away from all that war stuff.

Yeah John, the burning down from a bomb that was meant for you and ALL of your friends’ children is supposed to shatter you out of that illusion.

I’d continue criticizing, but Karkat’s about to do it for me:

KARKAT: JESUS *CHRIST* JOHN. KARKAT: I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO LIST ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH THAT CONSTITUTES A SHORT-SIGHTED AND PUKE-WORTHILY IGNORANT THING TO SAY TO ME, PERSONALLY. KARKAT: AND FRANKLY I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BOTHER, THANKS TO THE COUNTLESS FIRES I HAVE BEEN PUTTING OUT ALL DAY, THE ONE PRESENTLY CONSUMING YOUR HIVE NOTWITHSTANDING. KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS GO A BIT MORE SMOOTHLY? JUST A FRACTION? KARKAT: IF YOU HADN'T JUST DECIDED TO WANDER OFF THE INSTANT SHIT STARTED HAPPENING. JOHN: jeez, i'm sorry karkat. JOHN: i had no idea how much time had passed. JOHN: i must have gotten a bit distracted by my house being blown up.

A BIT DISTRACTED.  You empty-headed irresponsible guardian.

KARKAT: NOT WANTING TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS, BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A PROBLEM THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WERE UNIQUELY AND MAGICALLY EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH. JOHN: huh? KARKAT: YOU KNOW. KARKAT: WITH YOUR SHOOSH THING. JOHN: my shoosh thing. KARKAT: YOUR SHOOSH THING. KARKAT: THE GUSTY NONSENSE? THE GIFT OF GAS?? KARKAT: YOUR SBURB ALLOCATED BLOW JOB??? JOHN: uh. KARKAT: THE SUPERNATURAL COMMUNION YOU HAVE WITH ALL THINGS WINDY, YOU ASS!! JOHN: oh right, that. JOHN: that would have let me put the fire out, maybe. JOHN: i don't think there's anything in my skillset that would have unexploded my house though. KARKAT: THAT'S FAIR.

Mhmm.  Many of the characters in Candy AND Meat are currently in a situation where due to either years of unpractice in a worshipful society that discourages it by fueling their insecurities or inability to due to confinement in a years-long space trip has caused them to AVOID using their powers for the main beginning stretch of our new story.  People have complained about them outright “forgetting” to use their powers, and they’re right, to an extent, but it’s story-justified.  They’re almost all physically or psychologically prevented from doing so!  But those walls are coming down, starting now.  They’re going to come back into their own.  And we’re bound to see a LOT MORE of these literal Gods using their abilities to shape the fabric of reality as the story progresses.

JOHN: i suppose i'll add one more notch to the daily tally of crazy stuff that happened which i just have to accept as my life now.

It was all already happening, you just refused TO accept it until now.

JOHN: so... JOHN: what else happened while i was caught up watching the symbolic representation of my former life get consumed in a giant fire ball? KARKAT: OH BOY. WHERE TO START. KARKAT: SO FIRST OFF, IN HINDSIGHT, TODAY WAS PRETTY OBVIOUSLY JUST ONE HUGE BAITED TRAP. KARKAT: I SAY "IN HINDSIGHT", BUT FORTUNATELY IT WAS ALSO EXTREMELY APPARENT EVEN IN FORESIGHT TO THOSE OF US WHO SPENT A FEW SECONDS THINKING ABOUT IT. JOHN: ...right. KARKAT: OH COME ON EGBERT, SERIOUSLY? KARKAT: KIDNAPPING A PERSON OF IMPORTANCE, ONLY TO LET US KNOW PRECISELY WHERE AND ON WHAT OCCASION THEY WOULD BE MOST ACCESSIBLE FOR A RESCUE ATTEMPT? KARKAT: HAVING THAT OCCASION BE NONE OTHER THAN THE CORPSE PARTY OF A HIGHLY NOTEWORTHY POLITICAL FIGURE, WHOSE CASKET MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HAD A GIANT "KICK ME" SIGN DAUBED ON IT? KARKAT: THERE WAS BASICALLY NO WAY IT WASN'T A FRONT FOR SOMETHING HUGE. AND IT WAS! KARKAT: WE HAPPEN TO BE SITTING IN FRONT OF ONE FACET OF THAT HUGENESS AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

Wait.  Oh, God.

Someone brought up the possibility that Gamzee might still be revivable by Jane, and I speculated that she’s deliberately CHOOSING not to because she actually doesn’t like him that much or has some semblance of fucking sense left in her.

But what if she PLANNED to have a public funeral for him, and then revive him SOON AFTER to turn him into a Christ-like resurrecting figure?  D:

JOHN: well, when you put it like that... JOHN: i guess we all got pranked pretty hard, huh. KARKAT: THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR SHITTY NERD PRANKS JOHN. KARKAT: FRANKLY I'M INSULTED THAT YOU THINK SUCH A WORD IS EVEN REMOTELY APPOSITE TO THE PRESENT SITUATION. KARKAT: OTHER THAN TO DESCRIBE THE WAY I AM PERSONALLY BEING "PRANKED" BY REALITY IN HAVING TO EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO YOU.

Pretty much.  Get serious, John, actual people are dying by the--

--oh right, he was like this through the apocalypse and death of everyone on Earth.

I guess this is in character.  Paradox Space made sure to choose someone empty-headed and disconnected from reality enough to withstand this shit easily.  He really is a Breath player.

KARKAT: IT TURNS OUT THAT WE DIDN'T NEED TO PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO THE RESCUING YIFFY PART OF THE OPERATION. KARKAT: SHE BASICALLY RESCUED HERSELF WHEN ALL WAS SAID AND DONE. KARKAT: AND TOOK CARE OF KICKING GAMZEE'S CORPSEBOX OVER WHILE SHE WAS AT IT, IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF EFFICIENCY WHICH THE REST OF US CAN ONLY ASPIRE TO.

Excellent, yeah.

JOHN: it sounds like she'd be a pretty welcome addition to your ranks then. KARKAT: SHE'S A CHILD, YOU MORON.

Yeah, you’re fucking grown up now, John.  Stop thinking of the kids as the ones who have to rise up when the adults aren’t all doomed or dead.

KARKAT: THE VRISKAS, PLURAL. JOHN: shit. KARKAT: THEY'VE BOTH BEEN CAPTURED. JOHN: shiiiiiiiit. KARKAT: YEAH. KARKAT: GREAT WORK KEEPING AN EYE ON THEM, BY THE WAY! KARKAT: YOU LITERALLY HAD ONLY ONE JOB, AND YOU MESSED IT UP IN THE EQUALLY SINGULAR WAY IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DO. JOHN: urgh, i know, i know. ):

At least he messed that part up while he was TRYING to watch them, and not when he wandered off and watched his house burn for a whole day instead of protecting the remaining kids.

KARKAT: JANE'S PLAN FOR THIS CONFLICT HAS THUS FAR CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF KIDNAPPING VARIOUS HIGH PROFILE CHILDREN. KARKAT: IT'S BIZARRE. KARKAT: AS THOUGH WE ARE FIGHTING A WAR OF ATTRITION, WHERE THE MAIN RESOURCE BEING UTILIZED IS THE OFFSPRING OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. KARKAT: IF IT WASN'T ONE OF THE CORE TENETS OF HER FASCISTIC PHILOSOPHY, I'D BE TEMPTED TO SAY THAT CURBING REPRODUCTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA, IF ONLY TO PREVENT THIS KIND OF FUCKSHIT NONSENSE FROM HAPPENING.

Leave it to Karkat to point out the blatant absurdity of Homestuck’s nonsense in any given situation.

JOHN: wait. JOHN: wait a minute. JOHN: you said that both vriskas have been captured, right? KARKAT: EXCUSE ME WHILE I WEEP FOR JOY AT THE REVELATION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION FOR ONCE. JOHN: okay, well putting that emotional outburst aside for a moment. JOHN: how is that even possible? JOHN: doesn't vriska, the original vriska, still have her magic alien mind control powers? JOHN: it seems like it should be basically impossible for anyone to kidnap her. KARKAT: YOU'VE STUMBLED ASS BACKWARDS ACROSS THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT OF THIS UNFORTUNATE DEVELOPMENT.

...Is Karkat going to put two and two together and realize that Vriska must have been intentionally captured of her own free will for some sort of ploy?

KARKAT: YOU ARE CORRECT, IN THAT WITH HER CASTE-TYPICAL, *COMPLETELY SCIENTIFIC AND NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT MAGICAL* PSYCHOMANIPULATIVE ABILITIES, STAYING OUT OF CROCKER'S REACH SHOULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY TRIVIAL FOR SERKET PRIME. KARKAT: EVEN ACCOUNTING FOR THE FACT THAT SAID ABILITIES ARE NOT NEARLY AS POTENT ON HUMANS AS THEY ARE ON FELLOW TROLLS, THEY STILL OUGHT TO HAVE TIPPED ANY ALTERCATION SQUARELY IN HER FAVOR. KARKAT: BUT SOMEHOW, IT DIDN'T! KARKAT: INSTEAD, THINGS APPEAR TO HAVE GONE GLOBES UP IN CLASSIC VRISKITE FASHION, AND NOW ONE OF THE MOST UNEXPECTED AND UNWANTED BUT NEVERTHELESS USEFUL WEAPONS IN OUR ARSENAL IS DOING TIME IN CROCKERJAIL. KARKAT: THAT'S ABOUT ALL WE'VE BEEN ABLE TO GLEAN FROM TAPPING INTO THE BATTERBITCH AIRWAVES, WHICH IS A FANCY TERM FOR EAVESDROPPING ON THOSE OF HER AGENTS WHO TALK A LITTLE TOO LOUDLY IN SEMI-PUBLIC SPACES. JOHN: jeez. JOHN: i really screwed that up, didn't i.

Guh.  I guess Karkat is underestimating Vriska a bit or just assuming the worst out of a habit of assuming the worst of everything.  (Or, if he has his suspicions, he’s not telling John.)

KARKAT: HAVING SAID ALL OF THAT, AND WITH THE RECOGNITION THAT I AM CHOOSING TO NURSE YOUR BRUISED FEELINGS DURING A PLANET WIDE CONFLICT FOR THE FATE OF MY SPECIES, KARKAT: IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO EXPEDITE YOUR GETTING THE FUCK OVER IT? JOHN: i... hm.

Yeah, use your shoosh-paps from Karkat wisely, John.  You needed them.

JOHN: i don't really know? JOHN: this all feels wrong, karkat. JOHN: no offense, but when you're around, it's usually a lot... KARKAT: A LOT WHAT? JOHN: a lot funnier. KARKAT: FUNNIER. JOHN: how to put this. JOHN: normally listening to you go on and on about how much we've fucked everything up is just very funny! JOHN: but now it's just not the same. JOHN: maybe it's part of what's going on with this entire reality? i don't know. JOHN: once upon a time i would have put down your ability to pull a silly rant out of your butt as a fundamental law of physics or something. JOHN: remember back when we first knew each other? JOHN: it felt like all you ever said to me was how much you thought i was screwing up and being a useless asshole. JOHN: and once i realized that you were also just a dumb kid who didn't know what was going on, i started to kind of enjoy it. JOHN: but now it's like... the only one who's still a dumb kid is me, and everyone else has something big and important going on that i just don't understand.

Mhmm, Karkat has every reason to be mad.  And everything really, REALLY close to you that you care about is in danger from the very things he’s mad about.  Karkat is RIGHT for once with every angry seemingly-exaggerated-but-not word, and that’s throwing you.

JOHN: i thought that i finally got what was going on with this whole war and everything. i wanted to be useful! JOHN: i guess i got a little too wrapped up in the feeling of something finally happening again. JOHN: and then watching it all blow up in my face, kind of literally now that i think about it...

...you think maybe something that happens to be A WAR is actually a big farking deal that you should be serious about??

JOHN: it's hard not to feel even more dejected about the situation than i was before. JOHN: and now even the patented karkat vant rant has lost all its sparkle.

IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

JOHN: maybe if you had like, painstakingly itemized a list of all the things wrong with my plan in a comically overdone fashion or something. KARKAT: I CONSIDERED IT, BUT HONESTLY THERE WAS SO MUCH WRONG THAT I CONCLUDED THAT THE BEST THING FOR EVERYONE WOULD BE TO NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN. JOHN: oh. okay.

Heheh.

KARKAT: IF WE'RE BEING HONEST, YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN, JOHN. KARKAT: CALLING IT A PLAN WOULD IMPLY THAT IT WAS A STRUCTURED SEQUENCE OF STEPS DESIGNED TO ACHIEVE A GOAL. KARKAT: WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH WAS A CONVOLUTED MESS WHICH STILL SOMEHOW INVOLVED DOING FUCKALL. KARKAT: AND I USE CONVOLUTED HERE IN THE SAME WAY THAT I WOULD TO DESCRIBE THE FRENZIED DRAWSTICK SCRIBBLES OF A SQUALLING HUMAN INFANT.

All Breath and no Blood?  All concept and influence and ephemeral accomplishments and no physical impact or results?

Karkat has been fighting this whole time with physical results in mind.  He NEEDS to tie that ephemeral shit down, and once added to his plan, once Breath sweeps the tide of actual sentiment of people, inspires them, you have an actual victory in reach instead of just more attrition.

KARKAT: I APPRECIATE THAT YOU SEEM TO HAVE DUG YOUR PAN OUT OF YOUR OWN CHUTE THE FEW MICROMETERS NECESSARY TO NOTICE THE PRECISE DEGREE TO WHICH THE WORLD IS BEING JUDICIOUSLY BATFUCKED RIGHT NOW.

Really need to dig yourself out more than that, John, yeah.

KARKAT: AS HARD AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, THAT'S A FEAT WHICH NO SMALL NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF DOING!

(Which is why your plan of attack needs more Breath!)

KARKAT: BUT NOTICING THE PROBLEM AND MAKING MEANINGFUL PROGRESS TOWARDS SOLVING IT ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS. KARKAT: THE NEXT TIME YOU GET THE IMPULSE TO "LEND A HAND", YOU'D BE BETTER OFF CANNING IT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND LISTENING TO THOSE OF US WHO'VE BEEN TRYING TO SOLVE IT A LOT LONGER THAN YOU HAVE. KARKAT: THIS ISN'T AN EXERCISE BEING CONDUCTED IN ORDER FOR YOU TO PROVE YOUR PERSONAL DEGREE OF MORAL RECTITUDE. KARKAT: AND IF IT WAS, YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY FAILED MISERABLY! SO DO YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE A FAVOR AND STOP TREATING IT LIKE ONE. JOHN: well... all right. if you say so karkat.

Phew.  Let’s hope he takes Karkat’s gift of a worldbound, arms-in-the-dirt sense of responsibility (Blood) and runs with it.

KARKAT: I DO SAY SO, EMPHATICALLY AND AT GREAT VOLUME. KARKAT: AND NOW THAT MY OBLIGATION TO CATECHIZE YOU ON THE SUBJECT OF YOUR OWN LIFE IS FULFILLED, I HAVE A WAR TO GET BACK TO. JOHN: wait, hold on. KARKAT: OH MY GOD WHAT NOW.

--is it gonna be a hug?

> (==>)

JOHN.  Put it together.

JOHN: you can't be leaving already. JOHN: there's... so much we still need to talk about!

No, not that!!

...well, yes, I’m all for more of you two talking but.  This ain’t just about you two.

KARKAT: WHAT MORE COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE FOR US TO DISCUSS?? KARKAT: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER EMOTION THAT WE NEED TO DROP EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO DISSECT. JOHN: no, that's not what i'm talking about at all. JOHN: karkat, we still haven't spoken about *you*! KARKAT: ABOUT ME? JOHN: yes. KARKAT: ABOUT *ME*? JOHN: about you. KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME. JOHN: well... JOHN: you know, how you feel! KARKAT: HOW I FEEL. JOHN: or just... JOHN: argh, i don't know!

This was more of an intervention than a feelings jam, John.  I’m not sure John’s in the condition right now to Breathily inspire Karkat somehow and help his war with an idea and drive he didn’t have before -- like he SHOULD eventually -- but I suppose we’re about to see.

JOHN: it's just been so long since we've seen each other. JOHN: all sorts of things have happened in that time, and it doesn't feel right to just not even mention any of it! KARKAT: LIKE WHAT?? JOHN: oh, i don't know karkat, literally anything! JOHN: i mean, look at you. JOHN: you are decked out in a tight body suit and have an eyepatch and everything. there is simply no way there isn't something to discuss there.

You talked with him plenty while NOT in person, though.

> (==>)

Such MOOD.  What a good image.

JOHN: or like, forget the eyepatch, we don't have to talk about the eyepatch. JOHN: i feel as though my point still stands? JOHN: there is basically a bottomless well full of stuff to go through. JOHN: i mean we kind of glossed over it when you brought her up earlier, but what about yiffy? JOHN: this might not come across so easily due to human troll cultural boundaries, but her existing is kind of a big deal?? JOHN: i feel like somehow i missed the part where we all sit around and talk about how strange it is that two of our friends went off and had a secret child without any of us knowing! JOHN: is it too much to ask that we have that part now, karkat?

That’s fair.  And they DO need to talk about it!  But this is sort of like in the Game -- there’s important shit to do, and not a whole lot of time to do it.  You’re going to do a lot of talking, but you won’t be able to do all you want with certain people separated from you by the circumstances of how this war is dividing your responsibilities.

JOHN: i mean, maybe it just doesn't mean that much to you. KARKAT: JOHN. JOHN: which is a little strange, given that it ties in to the whole conflict that you had with jade and dave. JOHN: oh god we have to talk about dave. KARKAT: JOHN. KARKAT: FUCKING HELL! KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT DAVE. JOHN: no, this is what i mean, karkat. JOHN: we need to talk about dave! KARKAT: HAHA! LIKE SHIT WE DO!! KARKAT: I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW THIS IS EVEN A RELEVANT TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. JOHN: oh come on. JOHN: there's no way you aren't feeling kind of messed up about him, right?

THIS is fair.  Karkat does need to talk about this with somebody.  Whether John is the right somebody... I guess he is where Dave is concerned.  And he has to talk to Jade eventually, too.

JOHN: i know i am. JOHN: whenever i think about how things ended between you two... JOHN: especially now that he's... JOHN: ugh, i'm sorry. i'm SO sorry karkat. sorry doesn't even begin to cover it. JOHN: this whole thing feels so impossibly sad. JOHN: all i'm trying to say is... JOHN: it's not healthy to bottle these feelings up and not acknowledge them. JOHN: even if you aren't feeling anything right now, and i don't for a moment believe that's true, *i* need to talk about dave! JOHN: so can we please just talk about dave for a moment. KARKAT: NNNNGNGNGGGGGGGUUUUUUGUUGHHHHHHHH FINE.

It’s difficult to live in a Daveless world.

KARKAT: IF IT WILL GET YOU TO SHUT UP ABOUT THIS TOPIC FOR EVEN A BRIEF MOMENT, THEN FINE. KARKAT: REGARDLESS OF HOW POINTLESS AN EXERCISE I CONSIDER IT TO BE, I WILL DISCUSS WITH YOU MY "FEELINGS" ABOUT DAVE. JOHN: okay. JOHN: thank you. KARKAT: ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE INUNDATED WITH NONE OTHER THAN AN UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA VIS A VIS MY SWEEPS-SUPPRESSED, BISCUITFELT EMOTIONS ON THE DAVE SITUATION?? KARKAT: WELL HERE GOES.

--it’s not gonna be short, or cut away, is it?  --actually it could just switch to a very sad sunset-like vista of the two sitting there, and one poignant line from him followed by a long, hanging pause.

> (==>)

KARKAT: *DEEP BREATH*

A giant expletive isn’t it.

The best sendoff you could give him.

> (==>)

Holy shit.  It really IS a rant!

KARKAT: YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT DAVE? KARKAT: HOW I FEEL IS THAT I WISH THAT EVERYONE WOULD STOP FUCKING BOTHERING ME ABOUT HIM!!! KARKAT: ALRIGHT, SO HE AND JADE GOT HUMAN MARRIED!! BIG DEAL!!! KARKAT: DO PEOPLE FORGET THAT I WAS THERE?? I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS FORGETTING THAT I WAS LITERALLY INVITED TO THE OCCASION. KARKAT: I'VE EVEN COME TO EXPECT THIS KIND OF AMNESIAC BEHAVIOR FROM EVERYONE ELSE, SINCE I ADMIT THAT I DIDN'T EXACTLY STICK AROUND OR ACTUALLY SHOW MY FACE FOR MOST OF THE ORDEAL, BUT YOU EGBERT SHOULD HAVE NO FUCKING EXCUSE! JOHN: wait, karkat, that's not what i KARKAT: SO YEAH! THAT WHOLE THING HAPPENED, AND I CAME TO TERMS WITH WHATEVER THERE WAS TO COME TO TERMS WITH, WHICH WAS FUCKING *NOTHING*, AND THEN I GOT ON WITH THE ACTUAL IMPORTANT BUSINESS OF TRYING TO PREVENT THE WORLD FROM CRUMBLING! KARKAT: WHICH, NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, IS *STILL FUCKING HAPPENING*! KARKAT: I AM UTTERLY APPALLED THAT THIS IS AN INFO MORSEL I KEEP HAVING TO SPOONFEED DOWN YOUR WINDCHUTE EVERY FIVE SECONDS, JOHN, I REALLY AM. KARKAT: I MEAN HOLY SHIT, NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS! KARKAT: AND ONE THING I CAN SAY WITH ABSOLUTE IRONCLAD CERTAINTY IS THAT IF DAVE WERE HERE, HE WOULD SAY THE SAME THING!!

Okay he dealt with it by keeping his hands in the dirt working on hard-fighting responsibilities, yeah, as a Blood player might.  But the way he’s ranting about it seems a little-

KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH, WHERE *IS* DAVE?? JOHN: um. KARKAT: I FEEL LIKE IF ANYONE COULD HAVE PREVENTED TODAY FROM DEVOLVING INTO A HEADLESS CLUSTERFUCK, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN... OKAY, MAYBE NOT HIM, BUT AT LEAST HE MIGHT HAVE HELPED DRAG YOU OUT OF YOUR DEPRESSIVE FUGUE A LITTLE SOONER! JOHN: (oh shit.)

Oh SHIT

> (==>)

Oh no... oh no, they’re BOTH about to let it out together.

They’re gonna have to cry it out.  Finally, onscreen.  THIS is why they weren’t showing us, why they were saving it.  It felt so awkward at the time but it’s because it has to culminate in these two, some of the closest to Dave since CHILDHOOD, get to show us the effect on everyone in a microcosm.

KARKAT: NOT ONLY THAT, BUT MAYBE WITH BOTH OF US HERE WE COULD HAVE DISPENSED WITH THIS ENTIRE SORRY TOPIC ONCE AND FOR ALL, IF ONLY FOR YOUR BENEFIT! KARKAT: OH HI DAVE, JOHN SEEMS TO BE UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THE UNSPOKEN HISTORY BETWEEN US IS OF SUFFICIENT IMPORT THAT WE NEED TO HASH IT OUT THIS VERY SECOND IN FRONT OF THE BLASTED REMAINS OF HIS HOME! KARKAT: yo karkat that does seem to be a strange thing for my best friend john to be concerned about given that he has spent the past five years wallowing in the depths of deepest divorce fever KARKAT: and especially since jade and i have meanwhile been working as part of your resistance with no complaints, but sure, we can brofist each other and arrange our limbs in an unambiguously platonic way KARKAT: a way which is also flawlessly calculated to communicate to everyone present that here are two guys who are totally and unequivocally over each other JOHN: (oh god. you don't...)

Talk about John’s comment about Karkat’s rants not being hilarious in a situation.  THIS situation really tugs it out of them.  :(

KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA DAVE, AND WITH THAT MAYBE THAT WAY WE CAN WASH OUR TOUCH STUMPS OF THIS WHOLE ORDEAL AND NEVER HAVE TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN! KARKAT: WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, JOHN? KARKAT: WOULD THAT SATISFY YOUR CRAVING FOR CATHARSIS ON THE SUBJECT OF DAVE?? KARKAT: WELL WHY DON'T WE TRY IT THEN. KARKAT: IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU CALL DAVE AND GET HIM OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! JOHN: (oh my god...)

> (==>)

These visuals are ON POINT.  This entire sequence since Karkat showed up is masterfully done.

KARKAT: MAYBE WE SHOULD GET JADE TO COME AS WELL! JOHN: ): KARKAT: FUCK, WHY NOT INVITE FUCKING EVERYONE!!! KARKAT: WHY NOT PRESS "PAUSE" ON THE RACE WAR FOR A MOMENT AND HAVE ONE HUGE FEELINGS JAM LAWNMEAL WHERE WE ALL PUBLICLY EXPATIATE OUR VARIOUS CONVOLUTED EMOTIONS. KARKAT: FORGET PEACE TALKS, GET FUCKING *CROCKER* TO COME! KARKAT: MAYBE THE SIGHT OF A DAVEKAT RECONCILIATION IS THE SECRET KEY TO UNLOCKING THE PART OF HER BRAIN THAT STOPS HER FROM BEING A GENOCIDAL RACIST BITCH!!! KARKAT: HOW COULD WE HAVE POSSIBLY BEEN SO BLIND!!!!!! KARKAT: IF GAMZEE WASN'T DEAD, YOU COULD HAVE INVITED HIM AS WELL! KARKAT: HAHAHA, THAT'S OKAY, WE STILL HAVE A VERITABLE MENAGERIE OF PEOPLE WE KNOW WHO AREN'T DEAD. JOHN: ))))): KARKAT: ALL OF WHOM I AM SURE WILL BE SIMPLY DELIGHTED TO ATTEND WHAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY BE THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN EARTH C'S BULLSHIT HISTORY. KARKAT: IF THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES, EGBERT, THEN I AM PREPARED TO DO IT! KARKAT: DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T!! KARKAT: IF JUST FOR AN *INSTANT* IT WILL GET EVERYONE OFF MY CASE ABOUT THIS, I WILL STAND UP WITH DAVE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE ***FUCKING WORLD*** AND SOLEMNLY VOW THAT I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT!!!! JOHN: KARKAT!!!!

That last bit with John.  I can HEAR the rawness in his voice as he shouts that last bit... he’s about to burst into tears.  And Karkat is going to have to with him.  And they’ll cry it out together, as they should.

> (==>)

JOHN: ugh, fuck, this is just too much! JOHN: i thought you KNEW! KARKAT: KNEW WHAT??? JOHN: dave's GONE, karkat! JOHN: he's... JOHN: he's dead.

Let’s see it happen.

> (==>)

Just body language, the blow of the words...

JOHN: i didn't mean for you to find out like this at all, i thought... JOHN: i mean, i only heard about it yesterday, but i was convinced someone would have told you already! JOHN: apparently one minute he was there, and the next... JOHN: none of us even know how it happened, and it doesn't make any sense that he's dead, but he is. JOHN: he is dead and he's not coming back. KARKAT: JOHN: talk to me karkat, please. JOHN: please talk to me karkat. KARKAT: KARKAT: HE...

Jade and Rose were on a different part of this battlefield, they didn’t have the ability, time, and/or heart to break the news--

> (==>)

KARKAT: HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY GOODBYE?

aaaaAAAA

What a fucking expression, wow.

And what a regret RoboDave has to have for abandoning everyone without so much as a farewell letter.  To think that ditching them like that was IN his Ultimate Soul is going to eat away at him.  He may be linked to all of his self of selves, but he’s still an individual with individual regrets.

This was a damned good update.  See y’all next time.

(It may be the new meds I’m on, but between this and the thorough love I see put into the unofficial archive, I’m suddenly reminded that despite all the drama, I fucking LOVE Homestuck.  Even its current incarnation.)

[calliecat93]

ST: The Next Generation Watchthrough Season 3 Episodes 1-3

Evolution: We’re at Season 3 folks, yippee~! We also have Dr. Crusher back! I’m kind of annoyed that they don’t os much as mention what happened with Pulaski, but considering everything,t hat may have been best. I’m just gonna assume that she took Crusher’s job at Starfeet Medical and Crusher decided to go back to the Enterprise to be with her son. Which I’m glad that the episode touches on the fact that Crusher doesn’t really connect with Wesley anymore and how she’s concerned that he’s more wrapped up in his studies and Ensign duties than… you know, being an actual kid. Whatever one feels about them axing Crusher last season, they at least acknowledged and worked with it now that she’s back. The issues with Wesley in the first two seasons is how he was an intelligent kid who felt like he got things handed to him and bolstered up despite having done nothing to earn it. S2 was a bit better, but the issue still lingered, just less in our face. But here? Wesley accidentally causes the problem with a nanite project he was working on getting loose and he tries to fix it without anyone finding out while also dealing with his mom being back and hovering over him after being without her for a year. I would like to point out that he made the choice to be without his mom so him going ‘how wold you know? You haven’t even been here.” is kind of his own fault, but I DO understand that he’s frustrated and it’s an understandable reaction from a tired, guilt-ridden teenager. That’s probably what I liked best, Wesley feels more like an actual kid who screws up and makes bad decisions but is good-intentioned and trying to both be responsible and make it right, which I think the other two seasons didn’t fully have. He doesn’t get punished or even scolded for almost causing the destruction of the ship and everyone on it, but he doesn’t get praised for admitting the mistake that he caused or directly save the day either like in The Naked Now and he did ultimately admit responsibility after talking to his mom so fair enough. The episode is overall a good one. There’s good tension and pacing with the nanite threat, Crusher comes back and gets right back to where she left off, Wesley has probably his best focus episode thus far, there’s the gap between mother and son showing them not ignoring the ramifications, the crew maintain their competence and managed to resolve the issue peacefully, and overall it’s a decent way to start off the season. A standard episode, but still promising for what’s to come. 3.5/5

The Ensigns of Command: We have Data on a planet to evacuate an upcoming invasion who do have the right to the planet due to a treaty… but the citizens won’t budge. We have a tense situation here. We have a bunch of stubbornness on both sides. The Sheliak’s DO have right tot he planet, but that doesn’t make it right to slaughter a bunch of innocent lives for no reason. But the colony leader won’t listen and refuses to go without a fight despite the land not being their’s and having the Federation ready to get them to safety. We have Data having t try and convince the colony… but he’s not really trained as a negotiator so… yeah. It’s nice to have Data in a role that he isn’t used to and him having to figure out how to navigate the issue especially with how he still struggles to understand human nature in a case where he very much needs it. The method he uses to finally convince them was not one I expected from Data, but damn it was an effective one and I loved how he got to get creative! I love it! Even his reverse psychology gambit was a good one even if it didn’t fully work cause the idiot leader is too good of a speaker, but the final attempt sure as Hell did the job. Picard’s attempts to negotiate with the Sheliak to buy time for evacuation were also freakin’ great especially at the end and I’m already liking him so much more than the first two seasons. The girl though who’’s really into androids? Yeah, while I give her kudos for trying to help Data and re-activating him after the leader took him out, I didn’t like her. She may like androids but it really seems that’s all she sees him as. And that just rubs me the wrong way. Also Dat saying he has no feelings of any kind… I really don’t get why the show is insisting on that cause that’s not true jut because it’s not the ‘normal’ way, thought he ending has Picard more or less point out that Data’s statement isn’t really accurate who who knows? Ultimately it’s an episode about how, as Data puts it, things can be replaced but lives cannot. Some fights aren’t worth the loss of life, and this was one of those cases. Also diplomatic negotiations and treaties aren’t a fun process haha. 3.5/5.

The Survivors: Well… that went nothing like I expected. Things start out kind of same old, same old. We have a couple being too stubborn to leave their home despite hostilities and the crew can’t convince them otherwise… then Troi gets some strange repeating melody stuck in her head. You know how addictive Earworms can be? Well imagine it never being able to stop and going over and over and over… and Dear Lord poor Troi didn’t deserve any of this. Marina Sirtis conveyed Troi’s growing desperation and pain because it just won’t stop extremely well. This and a hostile vessel raise a lot of questions. Why is all of this happening? It’s all connected to the elderly couple… and the reveal is utterly shocking and horrifying. I’m reluctant to even go into detail because I don’t want to ruin the surprise for anyone who may have not seen it. But lets just say that it’s not simple pride keeping that couple from leaving even when the danger returns. Oh not even close. This episode was freakin’ great. It’s pretty good but when we get the big plot twist? It flips everything on it’s head and the actor delivering the big revelation… the performance is utterly gut-wrenching. Their actions are sympathetic and the guilt and grief is so evident and heartbreaking, a being driven to despair that caused them to commit probably one of, if not the, most unforgivable act that one can commit. It’s an utter tragedy, plain and simple. IDT an episode of TNG has hit me this hard, I legit teared up. Just… damn. 5/5.

While I didn’t really watch the show as a kid, I did see scattered episodes her and there because my mom watched it 24/7. Seasons 1 and 2 of TNG just… din’t feel right. They weren’t bad, they just didn’t have that feel that I remembered from what I had seen. Now though? I’m starting to get that feeling again. The episodes, while not ground-breaking or anything, maintain quality and it doesn’t feel like it’s trying to replicate TNG or struggling to escape it’s shadow anymore. If this is indeed the season where the show truly found it’s groove, then I am excited for the other 23 episodes~!

[amwritingmeta]

14x14: Dean and Cas and Questioning the Status Quo

Note: I found this in drafts and I believe I chopped it into smaller pieces, but I thought I’d post the whole long thing because it actually ties back to the lack of communication currently happening in S15 and the need to shake up the status quo. By, you know, someone actually speaking words. And the other, you know, actually listening. :) 

Let’s take a closer look at this, because it warrants a closer look, or so I’d like to argue: these two idiots are (and Sam too but Dean and Cas more prominently so in this ep) locked in a status quo that is informed by Dean’s inability to stop believing that what he wants is something he can’t have.

Know what I mean?

Now, I think the dance around this fact in 14x14 is quite elegant, way I see it, and though what exactly the gorgon represents is up for interpretation, the simple facts are:

Noah the gorgon in and of himself is a snake symbol, and per the ouroboros of the title, the snake symbolism in 14x14 might be leaning towards renewal, rebirth and a conjoining of opposites rather than, you know, the snake that brought knowledge to mankind and helped us rebel........ Yeah, kinda good either way you look at it, no?

Noah also Biblically brought the flood, which is a mighty symbol of rebirth, so he’s this double-edged sword where both edges spell renewal

Noah looks at you, assesses you and sees the truth of you, established with the truck driver, his note to Dean and with Jack - a bit of a narrative tie to Michael in 14x01, who blasted onto the scene reading the truth of people’s motivations left and right, and subtle foreshadowing of how Michael will shed Dean and go looking for a new skin *shudder’

Noah enjoys both men and women (yes indeed bisexual symbol and nope I am not the first to point this out of course)

That’s the basic makeup of Noah’s demi-god character, yeah?

Now a bit of a look at the interaction we have in the episode between Dean and Cas. (I have a very strong urge to refer to them as nothing but the two idiots for the rest of this post but) (I shall not)

1. Invisible Cas (and Jack)

It’s rather striking. The first image we get of Sam and Dean breaking through that door together, and alone, only for a mirror moment to come barely a minute later of them doing the exact same thing, only now Cas (and yes, Jack) is stepping through the door with them. *goosebumps all over*

What does it mean? Could mean a host of things. To me? 

Well, Noah can’t see angels. Right? Fair enough, he can’t see either Cas or Jack so it’s not like Cas is special here, not really, but what does Noah represent? I talked briefly in an ask about whether he’s representative of toxic masculinity and how I don’t think he is. 

He’s submitting to his fate, isn’t he? He’d rather not, but for survival’s sake, he doesn’t really have a choice. He’s performing ritualistic killings because that’s what’s expected of him. He’s not taking any real pleasure from it. Not very toxic, especially when compared to Michael the Dick Archangel, who breaks his promise to Rowena and slaughters the innocent’s of the bunker without mercy.

I would say Noah is more likely to be representative of suppression/repression, predominantly suppression in Dean, because oh, man, is Dean tying himself in very knowing knots this episode, and predominantly repression in Cas and Jack, which is why it makes enormous sense to me that he cannot see them.

You see, where Dean is completely aware of his emotions and is actively and consciously suppressing them - which is so fucking unhealthy - Cas and Jack are both shown, throughout the episode, to be unaware of how deeply their unconscious repression runs. I’ll talk about Jack in a separate post, but oh god. It’s lovely.

Sidenote

Suppression is a psychological term for when we consciously push down unwanted thoughts or urges. Used healthily this is where self-control lies, but when an unwanted emotion or urge is ignored out of fear, this suppression tactic can turn into a pattern of behaviour that may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like drinking, casual sex, violent outbursts, addiction to danger etc) *side eye Dean Winchester* and irrational behaviour and lack of self-control due to lack of self-awareness.

Repression is a psychological term for when we push down unwanted thoughts, urges or very often memories into our unconscious, where our conscious mind is protected from having to deal with these particulars, because our conscious mind is kept wholly unaware that these particulars are a part of us. However, these repressed thoughts, urges or memories will push to be recognised, because anything we try to simply forget, that is deeply affecting, will never stay forgotten, and being unable to confront these buried thoughts, urges or memories may result in unhealthy outlets, such as the coping mechanisms and irrational behaviour mentioned above.

(long af)

2. Almost Liturgical

This scene is so incredibly wonderful for setting up Dean and Cas’ attitudes for the rest of the episode. Cas is observant and supportive and quietly brazen in making Dean be honest with him, and Dean can’t resist opening up, not when Cas asks him to. Prompts him to, even.

There’s so much softness from Dean here, and I’d say Cas sees it, and still doesn’t see it at all. Dean’s been looking at him with heart eyes for so long without it meaning that anything between them is developing or, I don’t know, renewing, that Cas just takes that softness and those heart eyes at face value.

There are subtle shifts throughout this scene between them, but the biggest one, to my mind, comes once Jack is back at the table and tells them he’s fine, because Dean then tries to swipe his opening up to Cas, as well as the severity of his reminding Cas of Plan B, aside by being flippant and adding this smile:

Which basically gets him a stern look from Cas -->

--> because no, Dean, Cas isn’t fine with everyone being fine. You can’t just make him be fine with Plan B, because Plan B is anything but fine.

And Dean looks contrite enough -->

--> and, I would say, realising exactly how open he just left himself to Cas’ scrutiny. Feeling exposed and vulnerable and a little raw and this isn’t helped by Cas putting himself in a position of having the upper hand by using a word that’s not in Dean’s vocabulary, because whenever Cas gets the upper hand it serves to remind Dean of? 

Yes, that Cas isn’t his to make heart eyes at.

Because? 

He believes, to his core, that what he wants, he can’t have.

I’d like to shake him. And shake him hard. Because even when Cas, over and over, through his actions and reactions, tell Dean exactly what he’s feeling, Dean still doesn’t see.

And so he goes from the soft expression and full on openness with Cas...

...to that ^^^ detached and Got Work To Do expression.

*shake shake bloody shake*

Now, of course, the fact that he’s being open and making heart eyes and feeling all sorts of things that are scary as all fuck to him and always have been - the scariest thing of all is love, right? - makes him go to great and unnecessary lengths to cover those feelings up to anyone who might be watching him.

And to suppress them to himself.

Stop wanting, essentially. Letting that hope flare that Cas could love him back only leads to pain and pain and pain, because in his low self-worth idled brain, his thoughts are stuck running along the same lines that they’ve always been running along, saying the same thing they’ve always said: why would an angel rescue him from hell? 

Which translates to: why would he ever deserve Cas’ love? 

In his head, he doesn’t deserve good things. 

And he’s perpetuating this conviction out of fear, rooted in losing his family at four years old, a loss that has cemented the belief of how Good Things Don’t Last, and this cementation has occurred in Dean out of sheer ego self-preservation, and Michael now is the ultimate proof of that. Michael in his head. Because Dean said yes. So -->

3. Overcompensation

This is Dean’s default reaction to Cas being in an obviously superior position, no matter how small that superiority might be. In 14x14 it’s something as simple as Cas having a deeper vocabulary and Dean being in the sudden situation where this is revealed to Jack, who couldn’t give less of a fuck, but since Dean just spent five minutes laying his soul bare to Cas, this moment is like a slap back to reality for Dean.

And what does he do?

He does what he always does. He tries to put himself in the superior position, because, truthfully, he knows he never really can be superior to Cas, because, um, angel. Yeah. Can’t really bypass that fact.

This ^^^ is all about Dean desperately trying to cover, trying to act like Cas knowing things beyond what Dean knows makes him, somehow, inferior. 

Look, Dean’s habit of pulling Cas down to Earth is never malicious in intent, but all to do with Dean’s insecurities and, in many scenarios, also directly linked to his falling in love and not believing, ever, for a second, that Cas the angel - as an angel - could or would or should love him back. 

The angle in 14x14, where he makes light of Cas’ superior vocabulary by putting him in with the brainy kids in AV Club - and look at how it sets up for Dean with his next breath trying to impress with his knowledge of Medusa, that turns out to be based in a movie that’s exaggerated the myth for entertainment purposes, which leaves very little of his knowledge to feel as impressive as Cas’ observations regarding the gorgon - the AV Club reference aids in Dean’s suppression of his emotions.

All the while this utter verbal denial of what it is that he truly loves about Cas serves to underline to us how he really feels deep down, and knows he feels deep down, which is why he’s scrambling to cover it up, terrified the truth is written all over his face, the way it is whenever he looks softly, softly at Cas and dares to open himself up to everything Cas means to him.

So instead, in dialogue, he goes:

-- Oh, look at the baby in the trench coat. Not so powerful now. -- Oh, look at the weird, dorky little guy. He’s not a commander. -- Oh, look at the nerdy dude who knows words. He is so not my type.

Yeah, okay, sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Cas is like The fuck? -->

*darling Cas*

Now, when it comes to not seeing, we are presented with a baddie who eats the eyes of his victim to glimpse the future. Obviously he doesn’t snack on anyone’s eyes out of TFW 2.0, but he does carry a bit of the whole other side to him, where he can read people’s fate, with him in how he interacts with them, doesn’t he? It’s like he reads Jack’s palm, once he has him in front of him. And Dean and Cas?

Well, not the first one to point out that they’re both flat on their backs on the floor by the end of their encounter with the flood. 

I mean, their encounter with Noah. 

Who is actually the saviour away from the flood. Almost like their interaction with him constitutes the way out of drowning, for both of them. Funny that. But I’m skipping ahead.

First -->

4. Regards, Noah

Dean,

I see you standing alone by the truck stop reading this. I see you and the tall man and the red headed witch chasing me. I will always see you. Stop, or I will make you stop.

Regards, Noah

I’ll get back to this.

5. He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter

So, we arrive at the confrontation, which opens with the statement Noah makes of how he’s a lover, not a fighter. Interesting, isn’t it? Because this is truly the core trait of the entire TFW 2.0 --> innately they are not killers, they are protectors; they are not weapons, they are shields.

In the confrontation scene we also get a previously invisible and now not at all invisible Cas focusing on giving the antidote to the victim, while Jack keeps Noah distracted by listening to the fable. 

Cas is mildly on guard about the whole thing and finally comes right out and questions Noah’s motives for telling the story to Jack. When Noah gives voice to what could be read as Cas’ own worries concerning Jack burning off his soul, Cas attacks, because he doesn’t want to even think about the implications of what Noah is seeing, or unable to properly make out, in Jack -->

--> in this context, Noah as a manifestation of Cas’ suppressed fears about Jack’s choices.

Cas being in denial of how serious Jack’s situation is, is given to us in the El Saboros, because we see Jack alone healing himself, burning off his soul, and returning to the table with a ready lie of how he’s fine. Cas might not be convinced, but he’s also unaware of how Jack is still coughing up blood, and if he wasn’t suppressing his constant worry, arguably writing it off as him being overprotective, he’d most likely take actual action in order to stop Jack from walking down the dangerous path he’s stubbornly treading. 

(rather than the righteous path) (*clears throat*)

Back with the confrontation, where Noah very easily disarms Cas (demi-god that Noah is and all), slaps Cas twice, once across each cheek, and then kisses one of those cheeks, effectively paralysing Cas with gorgon poison. 

Cas goes rigid and falls to the floor, unable to move, but the antidote doesn’t work on Cas.

Why does the poison have the same effect on him as on a human, but the antidote doesn’t? Why does it take Jack sacrificing a piece of his humanity in order to tap into his angelic powers for Cas to be released from the poison?

Mh-hmh, let’s look at Dean before we try and answer, shall we?

Dean bursts in and Noah very easily disarms him (Noah can fight y’all) and knocks Dean’s head once, twice against the wall, rendering Dean unconscious.

Let’s glance back for a moment at how we got to here:

Throughout S13 Dean was confronted with toxic masculinity representatives leading right into him saying yes to having the most outstanding toxic masculinity representative literally possess him by the end of the season. S13 was all about making Dean aware of how toxic the ideal he’s modelled himself after for so long truly is, and he did begin to move away from it, this in order to be equipped to recognise Michael’s true colours, once he had to grant them absolute access.

S14 has been very much about confronting the past and all those suppressed/repressed fears and hangups being pushed to the surface. This while TFW 2.0 have all been asked - in not so many words - to find the answer to the question of What Do I Want? 

Dean’s reply to this question in 14x12 is so far from what the narrative is continuously angling for it to be, that only two episodes later that answer is not only nullified, but brings on a possible narrative punishment, because odds are that Jack, through self-sacrifice, is opening himself up to a world of hurt, and if Dean’s answer to the question of What Do I Want? had been different, if he’d reached that point in his individuation process where he could be honest with himself, then the outcome would have been different too.

But he hasn’t reached that point, and so the outcome is what we’re given in 14x14. So, what’s Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want?

Plan B.

You see, Dean doesn’t believe that they’ll find another way to beat Michael, not really. Dean is humouring the people he loves, but he’s expecting them to be the ones to do all the emotional work and let him go, rather than him doing the necessary emotional work and confronting his fears, collected in the manifestation of his shadow-self: Michael.

Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want? is to symbolically put himself into the box of societal norms that has dictated his relationship with his shadow-self for his entire life, and drown his ego, his consciousness, with the cycle of unhealthy suppression/repression that the darker side to his shadow-self is responsible for maintaining. (Dean’s suppressed longing for more, for a long and happy life; and his repressed childhood neglect)

Why? Because his fears run so deep that he doesn’t know how to confront them without annihilating his identity. To get to his true identity, though, he must confront these fears and understand the truth: that his fears are nothing but a construct, and that he can choose for them to no longer hold any merit.

6. Shake Shake Shake

Now, diving back into 14x14, where Dean and Cas are both flat on their back thanks to Noah.

So, let’s pull on the symbolical threads I set up at the start of this post. Threads that are very much tied to the Jungian doctrine of individuation, which I first wrote about here and have been reading up on since. (seriously it makes for deeply satisfying study) (Carl Jung was a great man)

Cas

When it comes to his worry for Jack, Cas deals in suppression, but when it comes to answering the question What Do I Want? Cas deals wholly in repression. He is not being honest with himself, and it’s given to us in his exchange later on with Jack, where he talks about humans as burning bright, unlike "things like us”. 

Yes, an unspecified thing is what he identifies himself with. 

He doesn’t identify himself as an angel, which, to my mind, is important, but for him to also step as far away as he can from humanity is equally pertinent because, well, this meta writer does believe that he needs to admit to himself what it is he truly wants for himself before he’ll be able to properly begin the final leg of his journey towards internal balance. 

Noah’s note underlines how he sees Dean, but Noah couldn’t see Cas, and to me this is all because Noah is much more narratively tied to Dean, while serving - as representative of suppression/repression - to narratively highlight these habits in all of TFW 2.0, but there’s another layer to it, where Noah is tied to Cas’ repressed true identity, meaning Cas is blind to his own repression.

(and Jack is blind to his own internal conflict, given to us in dialogue when he yells at Michael - childishly - that he’s not a child) (because Jack still is a kid)

Looking at the setup of Noah not being able to see Cas and Jack, it could be argued that he can’t see them, that he’s cut off from them, because they’re unaware of him, and so he’s unaware of them.

Awareness is key to confrontation. So, to me, it’s delicious that it’s Cas and Jack who grow aware of Noah and go to confront him, allowing him to see them, because it’s the ego’s awareness that allows for any internal imbalance to be confronted and worked through.

Moreover, Cas’ continued unawareness - his inability to recognise what it is he’s actually doing - of his own repression is what is keeping Cas complacent.

It’s keeping Cas accepting the status quo.

It’s keeping Cas paralysed in his own skin.

See what I’m getting at? Cas’ confrontation with Noah is brief, very, very brief, and Cas is disarmed very, very quickly and receives the kiss that paralyses him after being slapped, like a proverbial wakeup call, on either cheek, by the representative of his repression.

And, look it, when it comes to the question of why the antidote doesn’t work on him: if Cas had been human, it would’ve.

But Cas - being an angel - needs Jack to help him, needs Jack to burn off a piece of his soul in order to get the poison out, needs Jack to unlock his limbs and get him out of the paralysis. 

Jack, who in 14x08, was shown to be such an incredibly important tool for Cas’ individuation, since Jack is the one who symbolically (and literally) woke him, making Cas aware of his shadow-self.

And where Dean is unable to face his shadow-self due to his low self-worth making him fear what it will mean for his ego, aka his self-view and understanding of who he is if he were to confront his deepest fears, Cas’ low self-worth is equally exposed through his acceptance of the shadow-self’s threat to come and take him in his happiest moment. Cas doesn’t believe he deserves more, so for his happiest moment to be a point of punishment makes perfect sense to him, and this makes it incredibly difficult for him to break out of his complacency.

Better the status quo than the Empty.

Better a useful thing than daring to consider what would actually make him happy by truthfully answering the questions of Who am I? and Who do I want to be? and going for it.

*shake shake bloody shake*

The poisonous kiss from his repression, and Cas’ inability to get himself out of a state of paralysis without Jack’s help, doesn’t necessarily set up for what’s to come, but to me it does underline what is: as an angel Cas is stuck in a place where, as a human, he wouldn’t need help getting out of.

And this place that he’s stuck in takes a toll on the one person he’s tried, for seasons now, to protect - Jack - and this moment is entirely reflective of - and of course helps set up for - Jack’s choice to step into this exact same position for Dean, when he kills Michael. 

Dean

Oh, Dean.

Old patterns are a bitch. 

Actually, old patterns are turning into his greatest enemy, which gets me all kinds of squeakily excited for him. The lessons he’s been set out to learn for many, many moons now, are, at this point, hitting him so hard over the head they’re knocking him out against a wall.

Dean was fighting his toxic masculinity in S13. Growing aware of the ideal and moving away from it so that he can see Toxic Masculinity Michael for what he truly is, but because of patterns that have informed Dean’s sense of identity ever since he was a child, modelling himself on John and his mode of Feelings are Weaknesses that Will Get You and Your Brother Killed, Dean can’t bring himself to believe that there’s a way out of this confrontation with his shadow-self without killing the ego. Meaning without killing his conscious idea of himself. And because of the fear this brings of losing his sense of self completely, his incapable of believing there’s a way of beating Michael.

Even when Dean is sitting in front of the key to his own faith in the future, and yes, indeed the key to Dean’s faith in the future has always been Cas, and Cas is basically telling Dean that there’s no way Cas is ever giving up on him, and that they’ll find another way, Dean still can’t submit to his own need to believe, because his love of Cas is tethered to just as much fear as anything else, and confronting that fear, his fear of love and having hope for the future and believing that Cas does or could love him back, brings on just as much of an identity crisis as the thought of confronting his shadow-self.

And it’s all connected, of course. Because Dean’s internal fears don’t exist in a vacuum. But if he dared lean on his love for Cas and the faith and trust it’s always brought him, then he’d find the strength to confront his shadow-self and question all the lies it keeps filling his head with when it comes to perpetuating his low self-worth. Likewise, if he dared push past his identity crisis and begin to question the lies of his shadow-self that keeps his self-worth low, he would begin to feel the faith and trust Cas instils in him, and he’d start to believe in the love that Cas is continuously showing him.

But Dean can’t.

Dean is stuck in the belief that lingering in the status quo, and keeping to what he knows, is preferable, because there’s this huge thing in the way for Dean to be able to do anything else.

And holy fuck it’s formidable how this is now set up. (if I’m right in this reading)

The huge thing in the way for Dean to dare open himself up to his true identity is his inability to let go of old patterns, and 14x14 makes it explicit to me that this inability is rooted entirely in his neglected inner child. 

So what truly needs nurturing and attention and for Dean to grow aware of exactly how much he’s been neglecting it, is Dean’s inner child. An inner child that he’s been ignoring through his repression of his yearning for love. This yearning has been present in him since childhood and he’s repressed it by adopting the adage that feelings are weaknesses, and adopting this very harsh take on love in order to protect himself from a father incapable of providing the affection every child needs to feel truly safe and protected.

Moreover, Dean has been putting up walls to keep out the memory of the horror of his mother’s death and the guilt that’s haunted him and the mistrust it’s produced in him of anything good ever truly lasting for very long, and this, all this, is why he, in 14x14, teases Cas and tries to cover up how he’s really feeling and it gets him his head smashed into a wall by the representative of all of the above fears collected into his lifelong habit of suppression and repression of his true identity.

Noah sees Dean.

Noah will always see Dean.

And the narrative punishes Dean’s inability to break old patterns by having those old patterns knock him out cold, because clearly something needs to happen to shake up the status quo. 

Because the representative of Dean’s neglected inner child is...?

Jack.

And so Dean’s inability to do the shadow work needed, or to fully trust in those he loves, brings about the necessity for the representative of his inner child to step up to the plate and take matters into hand by expelling the manifestation of Dean’s shadow-self, while taking part of it into itself.

Yeah, I know right?

To my mind, Jack swallowing Michael’s grace is set to lead to not very good things.

Well, ultimately it will, I believe, but, oh, there may be quite a bit of glorious turbulence ahead. Or, at least, a huge push for Dean to face his internal imbalance and find a way to start all the emotional work needed if he’s to take full responsibility and stop running.

7. Off With Their Heads

This image is so powerful, because it serves so many possible purposes and can be interpreted in so many different ways, but here’s what I see:

A foreshadowing of the snake in Dean’s head (Michael) shedding his skin

An underlining for what Michael shedding Dean truly stands for: the first step toward internal rebirth/renewal for Dean

A plant for Jack picking up Felix and claiming him for a pet, which is deeply symbolic when looking at what Jack represents in the narrative, and what Jack himself needs for his own progression

But first, we get Sam also thrown across the room, very, very easily, by Noah the suppression/repression representative, because of course, Sam’s got his own shit to work through. Like his inability to take a moment for himself. His codependent behaviour runs so deep that he has no idea who he is unless he has people to look out for. And, good Lord, all the people under his protection getting killed by Michael after Sam insisted they bring Dean back. The internal conflict must be tearing Sam apart. *hands clutched to mouth* It’s not your fault, Sam!!

Once Sam hits the floor without getting knocked out (feels possibly significant here because Sam leading the way in letting go of the dependency and pushing himself into adulthood feels so important for Dean to finally allow himself to do the same) (but we shall see about that) we get Jack cutting off Noah’s head.

And looking at the fact of how Jack is the one to place his hands on either side of Rowena’s head, driving Michael out of her, you might say he cuts the head off both snakes in this narrative, right?

But, as I wrote here, he also swallows one of those snakes down, taking its essence into himself, while keeping a little piece of Noah in a glass box in his room, and so it can be said that he, symbolically, is tied to both symbols (suppression/repression/shadow-self) and is the last snake standing.

So. Turbulence.

Because Jack is no snake.

Jack has felt like a powerful symbol of internal balance for all of TFW and so for this symbol to now be in such absolute imbalance is quite possibly heralding Jack’s own dark arc, which could prove a necessary push out of the status quo that Dean and Cas and Sam are all in. 

Something to shake shake bloody shake them awake already.

Please. And thank you. :)

8. Access Denied

Cas has tried, on more than one occasion on the ride back to the bunker, to heal Dean, but he can’t. He can’t even see what’s going on inside Dean’s head.

*slow eyebrow raise*

Dean’s repression knocks him out -->

leading to Dean’s shadow-self no longer staying suppressed

leading to Dean’s inner child confronting the shadow-self with a declaration of how its not a child

Dean’s inner child swallowing the essence of Dean’s shadow-self down and declaring that it’s now itself again, restored to its former glory through taking into itself the toxic masculinity representative that’s the source of Dean’s repressed longing for love and his neglecting of his inner child in the first place

Oof.

Cas suddenly has no access to Dean because Dean’s repression runs too deep, and faith can’t reach where it’s not welcome, where it’s constantly shut down and mistrusted, and neither can love.

Especially not a faith or a love that doesn’t actually believe it belongs there.

The fucking status quo acting like the barrier it’s always been between these men, the barrier sitting like an enormous obstacle in front of open communication and honesty with each other, but foremost with themselves.

*so frustratingly amazing*

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Regarding looping, I also find that many people mistype their Enneagram, considering themselves 2 in integration or 7 in desintegration... There is no info about how long these "rises and falls" may last.

I’m not sure if there was a question in here? But I’m going to take it as a jumping off point to talk a bit about my entirely subjective theories here.

First, re: no info about how long these rises and falls last. This is all pseudoscience, so this is very much just me speculating, but as I understand it:

Gripping is a brief stress reaction. If you think you are gripping for years, you are probably just mistyped.

Looping is typically described as a defense mechanism, specifically in people who haven’t developed their auxiliary function very well. As a result, shorter periods of looping, also as a brief stress reaction, make sense in teen/early adulthood years. For long-term looping, I’d suspect it wouldn’t occur unless someone also had severe trauma in the mix, in which case stop reading about looping on the internet and find a therapist if that’s remotely possible.

disintegration/integration are more a lifelong state of health for enneagram. Most people are somewhere in that middle range, and again, stop saying “oh it’s just enneagram disintegration” and get some actual help. But I don’t think you just dip into disintegration (the way you might for a loop or grip) - it’s not a stress reaction, but an overall, well, disintegration. It’s a breakdown process.

-------

Now, the other part: Tumblr is an absolutely garbage place to learn about mental health. I cannot stress this enough. There are lots of people who have taken a single psych course if that and decided that they are basically a luminary within the field of abnormal psychology when in fact they are a caffeinated 19-year-old with a B- average. Or people will hear something from their therapist - which is great - but share it and other people will assume it also applies to them.

The example I like to use is maladaptive daydreaming. This is a controversial subject even within actual clinical psychology, and research is in its infancy. There have been something like two actual case studies. And, more crucially, normal levels of daydreaming in healthy humans are pretty high. If maladaptive daydream gains traction as a recognized condition, it would have as its core symptoms a requirement that the affected person essentially be addicted to the point where it is seriously interfering with one’s ability to engage with the real world. It is not common. But because it’s a poorly-understood area with little research, instead of exercising a normal level of scientific caution, or having the life and/or research experience to say “oh having elaborate escapist fantasy scenarios in your head is ENTIRELY FUCKING NORMAL, why do you think people write fiction or play D&D” a whole lot of people on Tumblr have decided they are afflicted with this, when in fact they are completely fine.

Self-diagnosis is a stage in the mental health process, and I’m not going to front like every mental health professional has pure intentions and is infallible nor that mental health is as accessible as it should be, but so many things - daydreaming, intrusive thoughts, feeling anxious or sad or easily distracted sometimes - are well within the normal human range of experience. The mental illness occurs when you feel this way for no reason and can’t stop for extended periods of time and can’t function normally. To put it another way, even a completely neurotypical person can have really shitty days, because that is how life and the world and brains all work.

I don’t want to minimize mental illness (ie, I’m trying not to sound like Maria Bamford’s brilliant Everyone Has Depression bit), but the internet discourse in general suffers from a severe lack of context and nuance.

This applies to MBTI. Everyone has stressful moments when they lash out, because that is how many people interact with stress. These are things you can learn from a. meeting a goddamn fucking person and b. taking a class in cognitive neuro or psych and recognizing it does not make you a psychologist but it does give you a tiny grain of that context you so desperately need to engage with that internet discourse intelligently. But without that context, instead of saying “I was having an awful day and I freaked out and I’m sorry, this is a human thing” it turns into “I was gripping/looping/disintegrating.”

For some people, MBTI turns into a way to divorce their consciousness (their soul I guess if you ascribe to that theory?) from their actions and that’s one reason I try to describe the functions as being used (eg: I am a high Si user) - if I do something shitty, that is me, Em, doing something shitty, not my low Ne or my high Te or enneagram 1 disintegrating into 4.

Frankly, even if I were legit in the grip, if I did something shitty I have still done something shitty and am still responsible for my actions, because adult humans are general speaking responsible for their actions. But I think a lot of looping/gripping/disintegrating stuff comes from a place of both not understanding what is pathological and what is completely normal, and also a lack of personal responsibility. Or, on the flip side, people hoping they are fine and this is just an MBTI quirk when in fact it’s an actual issue.

As a lesser and more cynical factor, I think some of this also is a way to type yourself as the hot new darling of whatever system while explaining why you don’t actually act that way: “oh, I’m disintegrating to 7 but I’m really the all-knowing 5″.

[caffeinestudyingg]

Updated About Me

I did this tag when I was a junior in high school and considering it has been about three years I thought I’d do a bit of an update.... not that anyone asked ha! 

What year are you? College Sophomore 

If applicable, what is your thesis about? N/A

Do you think you picked the right major? I really hope so, I just made some changes so we might find out in the spring.

Ultimate educational goals? Probably get my masters and return as a professor or lesson instructor in schools.

Career goals? Teacher, Professor, Lesson instructor, Pianist... really anything that lets me use my degrees and feel fulfilled?

Do you think your goals are realistic? These might be but only time will tell.

What classes are you taking right now? Oh boy here comes a long list: Music Theory III, Aural Skills III, Women in Classical Music History, University Singers Choir, Women’s Choir, Disney Lyric Choir, Schola Chamber Choir, Piano Lessons, Philosophy, Theatre History, and Theatrical Design.

Favorite class out of everything you’ve ever taken and why? Maybe AP Music Theory in high school because my teacher was so spectacular or Aural Skills in college because our class dynamic is laughable

Least favorite class ever and why? The 8 am history course I took first semester because it was way too early to learn that much about Europe in the early 1400s.

Current favorite class and why? None of these have started yet but I am very much looking forward to getting back into my piano lessons!

Current least favorite class and why? I am not entirely looking forward to Philosophy because it is going to take more prep and thought than courses I take for my majors.

2. What’s your major/what do you think you want to major in? Theatre Major and Piano Pedagogy and Accompanying Major

Favorite STEM field? Psychology

Favorite humanities subject? Music Theory

Class that you’ve always wanted to take but never had the chance? Band and orchestra ensembles if those count count.

Do you use caffeine and if so how much daily? I am a straight up caffeine addict so anywhere between six to seven cups of coffee or three-ish energy drinks.

What’s your preferred method of taking in caffeine? Ideally, hot black coffee but there is nowhere on campus that sells good coffee so I tend towards zero calorie Monster energy drinks.

Have you ever tried study drugs? nope

Are you a homework-in-the-morning kind of person? I live for waiting until the last minute to get things done.

Do you listen to music while you study? I find it almost impossible to focus when I do but that doesn't stop me some days.

Crowded area or quiet place? Crowded spaces! Libraries and coffee shops are my go to’s.

What’s your preferred writing instrument? Pencil and paper

Do you need to work out before you can study well? nope

Describe your perfect study environment. Still standing by a low-key coffee shop with a small study group and plenty of caffeinated beverages.

Are you procrastinating right now? I most definitely am.

What was the last thing you procrastinated? My directing final scene was written, edited, designed, cast, and rehearsed four hours before it was performed.

Are you a perfectionist? surprisingly, yes.

Do you like easy classes or do you feel bad if you’re not working hard? I love classes that don't stress me out but I can't stand paying for classes that I already know the information for.

Are you a good test taker? absolutely not.

What are you the proudest of out of all the assignments you’ve ever had? My memory piece from my piano jury this past semester. I worked really hard on it and that process was the final piece that pushed me to changing my major.

Do you talk to your teachers/professors a lot? I talk to my professors incessantly! I sometimes forget that we can't actually be friends but that doesn't stop me from eating lunch with them and chatting during office hours if they aren't busy.

Describe your favorite teacher/professor and why you like them. I most assuredly cannot pick only one so I shall describe the three best professors I had this past year:

Piano instructor- even though I wasn't always the most prepared or the strongest player she taught there was never a second that I felt less than or like I wasn't valued. She is also an absolutely brilliant pianist and I couldn’t be more lucky to be learning from her. I am wildly excited about being a piano major these days.

Horn instructor/Aural skills professor- The patience this professor has with me is unbelievable! She is so ready to drag me at any given moment and honestly, I live for it. She is excellent at giving advice when needed and genuinely such a wonderful person and performer. The entire music department is in agreement that she is the collective mother over all of us and we would simply fall apart without her.

Director/Directing professor- This man has put up with so much of my shit oh my goodness. Not only is he incredibly smart and a great professor, he puts up the best shows. He has worked so hard to help me this past year from helping me write papers, driving me across campus after rehearsals, to buying me caffeine when I was going through withdrawals. He is a true gift to our department.

Describe your least favorite teacher/professor and why you dislike them. I don't think that I can come up with a professor that I genuinely and wholly dislike without coming up with something redeemable so...

Have you ever thought about becoming a teacher/professor? more and more everyday.

Most profound thing ever said to you by a teacher/professor? You will never be able to know where life is going to take you so you have to do what feels like the best choice and just keep making the best choices as time goes on. Life will become what it becomes and we have to be able to make something positive out of that.

Best feedback you’ve ever gotten on something academic? Being told by my directing professor that I write “excellent” play analyses.

Worst study habit and how are you working on it? Procrastinating- I don't think I am currently doing too much to fix that... even though I need to.

Are you an in-class fidgeter? forever and always.

How’s your handwriting? small, messy, almost cursive.

Neat or messy notes? Messy

A lot of notes or the bare minimum? definitely depends on the class and how interested I am that day.

Are you a doodler? Nope

Do you have pre-test rituals and what are they? Stressing in the lobby with the other students destined to freak out.

Are you a tangent-question asker? oh absolutely.

Do you make jokes in class? Every single chance that I get.

How many hours do you spend on academics per day? Not enough! Though I tend to be on campus in classes and rehearsals from about 9 am to somewhere around 10:30 pm. Sometimes I just don't have time to sit down and formally study.

What’s something more important to you than school? My mental well being most days.

[ruffsficstuffplace]

The Viridian Vanguard (Part 27)

Qrow took one long, slow drink from his flask, pulled it from his lips, and sighed heavily. <Alright, I’m good—let them in,> he mumbled as he capped it again, put it away in the inner pocket of his shirt.

Soon, the door on the other side of the room opened up, their first interviewee of the day strode to the dais in the center of the room, Ruby and the rest of the Keeper Team surrounding her. They exchanged the usual formalities, before she knelt down on the large cushion provided for her, bathed in the light streaming through the high windows.

<Welcome to the first round of interviews for the Keeper Team!> Penny said smiling. <First off, congratulations for making it this far! Second, for the purposes of uniformity, we will have to request that you please communicate almost-to-entirely in Actaeon, save for any Nivian sayings, concepts, or quotes that you feel will not, or cannot translate adequately. Third, though we are sure you are already well aware, the questions we may ask you can get intensely personal, and that you are free to ask such questions back, if either of us feel that they may be relevant, or might prove to be a significant asset or liability in the future.

<With that out of the way: please state your name, who you are, and how your merits and achievements make you the best candidate for this position!>

<I am Anouke Kalla,> Anouke replied. <I have been a watcher since I was old enough to walk and handle a knife, and have been hunting down, slaying, and skinning almost every dangerous beast and horrific monster that lurks in this Valley for the past five decades. Whether they stalk no man’s land, lurk in the darkest, murkiest depths, or soar the most treacherous skies, I can guarantee you I have faced and bested them all, with one notable exception:

<Soul Eaters.>

Anouke put her hand to her breast, looked Ruby in the eyes, and said, <I swear, Keeper Rose, grant me the honour of serving under you, and those monsters will learn to fear my presence as much as yours.>

<Yeah, say no more, you’re out.> Qrow said calmly.

Anouke’s eyes widened, she snapped her head to Qrow. <Excuse me?!>

<We don’t need overconfident big game hunters who want to be part of team just get close to a Soul Eater, and try to bag its head for a trophy,> Qrow said. <They’re not ‘fun,’ or a ‘worthy challenge,’ they’re an abomination of magic and science we have to stop at all costs—even if it means killing it so hard there’s nothing left of it that you can see without the help of a scanner or a microscope.>

<Yeah, I’m really sorry, Watcher Kalla, but Uncle Qrow has a point,> Ruby said. <You have to put your very all into fighting a Soul Eater—and every bit you spend on trying to kill it in a way that preserves its body, rather than just doing everything you can to ensure it’s dead is more opportunity for the Soul Eater to kill you, instead.>

Anouke scowled, before she let out a short, disappointed sigh. <I feel you are incurring a great loss by rejecting me… but very well, I will respect your decision, Keeper,> she said, turning back to Ruby, and bowing her head. <Thank you for your time and the opportunity.>

Ruby and the rest of the Keeper Team said their half of the formal farewell, before Anouke was out the door, and the next candidate came in.

“Wow, that quickly and just for that reason?” Weiss asked.

“Yep!” Ruby said. “It’s kinda like one of those economic theories or something, where there’s hundreds of folks that want to fill in a vacant, permanent spot in the Keeper Team, so we can just pick and choose whoever we think is going to be the absolute best of the best, though there were some folks where the issues were more, uh, personal.”

“Such as?”

“Well...”

It was mid-day now when yet another candidate strode into the room, a pair of well-worn headphones around their neck. <Yo, name’s Yral Revene, but you might know me by my stage name: ‘Jackdaw,’> they said. <Officially my job is as a watcher-weaver, but only to pay the bills while I work on my real job: music maker. I want in on the Keeper Team as you all are gonna be the key to my revolutionizing music and weaving, and it’s going to start with me helping you kick Soul Eater tail like never before!>

<That’s an incredibly bold statement,> Ren said. <May you please explain how exactly you are planning to do this…?>

<With the freedom to use my Sound, is what,> Jackdaw replied. <I’ve been forced to use all the stock standard sheets and songs, so me and the rest of the sound weavers can harmonize and collab easy-like, and even then, I’ve barely been allowed to use my Sound on the field.>

<Your ‘Sound’…?> Ruby asked.

<They mean their personally composed music,> Penny said.

<Oh!> Ruby said. <So, is this also a set of custom-made and modified spells, then?>

<Yes,> Jackdaw replied. <I could go on and on about how awesome it is, but I think I should just let my Sound speak for itself,> they said, pulling out an external speaker and their comm-crystal.

<Excuse me!> Penny said, rising up from her seat. <I would like to remind you that elemental weaving of any sort is forbidden inside the interview room, and will be considered an attempt to harm the Keeper or her teammates, with the according grave punishment!>

<Relax, it’s just the music this time!> Jackdaw replied as they set it down, before they smiled. <You can experience the rest later, at the Grove. Ready?>

Everyone agreed to it, or didn’t mind, except for Qrow, who said <Hold on.> then ripped open one of the cushions, and plugged his hearing-holes with the stuffing.

<Oh come on, Uncle Qrow, aren’t you overreacting?> Ruby asked him.

<Alright, go!> Qrow said loudly, either ignoring her, or unable to hear.

Without any further issues, Jackdaw grinned, and pressed play, their personal music booming and filling the room. Merely ten seconds in, the smiles on Ruby and Nora’s faces disappeared, Zwei whined and pressed his two heads together and covered his outermost ears with his paws, while Penny looked concernedly at the increasingly uncomfortable and displeased members of the Keeper Team, sans Qrow.

<Oh, Eluna, make it stop!> Blake cried, clapping her hands over her ears.

<I’m really sorry, but please do!> Ruby added.

<Seriously?> Jackdaw asked, frowning. <It’s just new! It’s like an acquired taste! You’ll learn to love it, I swear!>

<My sincerest apologies, but I will really have to ask you to stop, or be forced to!> Penny cried. <Any more of this, and you might be charged with harassing and psychologically harming the Keeper and her Team.>

“And then there were some folks who’d been doing incredibly well, but we had to make the tough decision to reject them because of one deal-breaker or another...”

It was afternoon now, the curtains on the windows drawn to keep the glare of the sun from being too powerful. It was already past 2, their agreed upon lunch break, but they delayed it for the sake of their latest interviewee.

<… While I doubt I will be able to concoct, or even begin to research on something that might affect the Soul Eaters themselves, I’m sure that I’ve proven that my potions can be a great boon to you and the rest of the team, in combat or out of it,> he finished.

<Indeed you have, Maker Nyimu!> Penny said, smiling. <There’s just one more aspect from your record that we would like to address: we’re rather concerned about how dramatically your combat performance dropped after you finished drug rehabilitation, both in training exercises and live situations, and how that might be a liability when it comes to high-stakes situations like a Soul Eater attack.>

Nyimu frowned. <Ah, yes… to be honest, most of my stellar performance before it was all thanks to the constant abuse of enhancers, or using more to escape the consequences. Again, I swear I will improve myself without the cheap, dangerous shortcuts.>

<We know,> Qrow said, <but let me give you a hypothetical situation: everyone but you and Ruby are down or dead. She’s in deep shit, you’re the only one that has a hope in hell of saving her, but you know that the only way you can do it is if you pop a pot, or jam a needle into your arm, give you the boost you need.

<Would you do it…?>

Nyimu was silent, his eyes widening in surprise, before his face contorted into all manner of expressions, the inner turmoil clear for all to see. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it again, before finally, he sighed heavily, slumped his shoulders, and shook his head. <No, Watcher Branwen, I believe I cannot…> he said. <Even a single misstep will be all it takes to fall again into addiction, I’m certain of it..>

<So you don’t think you can sacrifice yourself, if it comes to that?> Ruby asked sympathetically.

Nyimu looked at her, and said, <No Keeper—I apologize.>

<Nothing to be sorry about.> Ruby said. <Though, I am sorry to say you’re not going on the Keeper team.>

<I expected as much,> Nyimu said, smiling ruefully. He bowed, they went through the formal goodbyes, and left.

As soon as he was out the door, everyone started getting up off their cushions and stretched, groans and sighs of relief echoing in the room.

<Ugh, I’m so glad it’s finally over...> Blake muttered as she arched her back. <Please don’t take this as a personal insult, everyone, but I never realized how much truth there was to the stories of what kinds of Fae would want to apply for the Keeper Team… I always assumed there was some element of exaggeration and fabrication to it to make it a more entertaining story, not that they were just reporting it as is!>

<Yeah, Keepers tend to attract misfits, outcasts, and oddballs almost as much as they do trouble,> Qrow said, bending his arms back and forth between their usual and flying configurations. <And sometimes, they’re both at once,> he added, looking pointedly at Blake.

She scowled, and said nothing.

<Be nice, Uncle Qrow,> Ruby snapped softly, before she smiled at Blake. <So, since this is your first time in the Bastion and being out of the house in general since you got here, anything you want to get for lunch? There’s plenty of great restaurants here, and I’m sure we can convince the Council to foot for our bill.>

<If none of you mind, I would really appreciate someplace that serves fish,> Blake replied. <Preferably fresh.>

<Oh, well you’re in luck!> Nora said, grinning. <Ren and I know this great seafood place in the Tender’s Fields, serves pretty much everything—freshwater and saltwater fish, squids, octopi, shellfish, algae, seaweed—heck, they even have these neat compressed balls of plankton you eat like chips! You even get a discount if you catch it yourself.>

Blake smiled. <I’d really like that, actually.>

<Any objections?> Ruby asked. When there were none, she smiled and said, <Then let’s go get some lunch!>

Then as if on cue, all of their comm-crystals sans Blake’s started flashing and beeping wildly in alarm, similar alarms echoing elsewhere in the Roost. Penny projected a holo and read aloud the message:

<Emergency Alert! Research Facility Hyrkanos in the Thundercall Tunnels is under attack by an aerie of Thundercall Rocs, confirmed lead by ‘Zeus V!’ Requesting Keeper Team and other Apex-class watchers to reinforce within an hour or less! Outposts have been overrun or isolated, security has sustained casualties and infrastructure has been severely damaged, evacuations impossible without outside assistance!>

<Isn’t Thundercall where we were supposed to go in three weeks?> Ruby cried as they started running.

<Looks like the date’s been moved forward, kiddos!> Qrow cried back.

<Sorry to sound self-centered, but what’s going to happen to me?> Blake butted-in as she kept pace with them. <I’m supposed to be with at least one of you at all times!>

<Simple: we take you with us!> Ruby replied. <Your equipment’s all fixed now, and you said it yourself that you’re willing to fight and hunt with us, right?>

<There’s a lot of legal mumbo jumbo about Keeper’s deputizing folks, so don’t worry about going to jail, and just focus on not dying!> Nora chirped. <It’d be really tragic and awful if you died so soon after you just got introduced into the story!>

Blake looked strangely at her, before she shook her head, and kept on running.

Note: Qrow, like many avian Fae, does not have ears, and has hearing-holes instead. Ren also has them, as reptilian Fae and some more exotic subspecies like snake Fae have acquired adaptations from others over the millenia, though the earliest of them reportedly could only “taste” sound or had very poor audio perception.

[imriya]

K Drama List

Okay yeah I told myself I wouldn’t do this but I lied. This is a list of all the K Drama’s I’ve watched. Ratings and all

1. Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo

Rating: 8/10

This was it. This drama got me hooked onto drama’s! It was so cute and carefree and the iconic ‘Do you like Messi?’ line still gets me every damn time! I loved the chemistry between the leads and although I thought I would get second lead syndrome, it was impossible not to fall in love with  Joon-Hyung. The only reason it didn’t get a 10/10 was because of the other dramas I’ve watched

2. Thumping Spike 2

Rating: 2/10

I don’t even know why I finished this drama but this was the worst drama I have ever watched! I stopped watching for a while because of this. The storyline, the acting, the girl was incredibly annoying and so was the second lead. Honestly would recommend this to anyone who wants to quit dramas cold turkey

3. Uncontrollably Fond

Rating: 9/10

TEARS! THERE WERE LOADS AND LOADS OF TEARS! I am not an emotional person at all so the fact that this drama got me to cry was just...honestly I cant! I was hooked from the second episode and finished this within 3 days even though I had finals that week. Bae Suzy took some getting used to but GOD DAMN KIM WOO BIN AND HIS AMAZING ACTING SKILLS! just get your tissues ready is all im saying especially for the last episode

4. Goblin

Rating: 9.5/10

I watched this two days after recovering from uncontrollably fond only because i saw it all over twitter. I was super skeptical coming into this but I just couldn’t help myself and it was probably the best decision I have ever made! The acting from the whole cast and the cinematography was just brilliant! At no point of this drama would you be bored I can assure you that much. I fell in love with the Grim Reaper and the whole twist it was just brilliant! I still tear up when I think about this drama. I went through more tissues for this more than any other drama I have ever watched

5. Heartless City/ Cruel City

Rating: 9/10

THE TWISTS OF THIS DRAMA OH MY LORD! At the end of every episode you are guaranteed a twist you would have never guessed! This drama kept me on my toes and kept me up at night. The acting was amazing but at times the female lead can get on your nerves so just be patient but the female interactions are amazing and I wish more drama’s gave us that. The male leads were all hot af which makes it so so easy to watch but really the friendships and relationships is what keeps this drama so amazing. it’s more of a psychological thriller than it is a romantic one but if you do want to get into psychological thrillers then i would highly recommend this one

6. W: Two worlds

Rating: 5.5/10

I didn’t finish this one because it got wayyy too repetitive. It was good for like the first 12 episodes then I had to force myself to keep watching. I liked the concept of a comic book character coming to life and switching between worlds but I thought it dragged on for way too long and just couldn’t bear to keep watching. The chemistry seemed a little forced but the acting by Lee-Jong Suk was the only reason I kept watching - amazing!

7. The Heirs

Rating: 6.5/10

THE SECOND LEAD SYNDROME IS SO BAD SO PREPARE YOURSELVES! I was recommended this by a lot of people to watch with Boys Over Flowers but after watching this and suffering my second lead syndrome I just couldn’t keep watching. It got too draggy and too repetitive at times like yes I get it - You’re rich and she is not. The female character was incredibly annoying but other than that and the second lead syndrome this was alright. My favourite character will forever be Chan Young that little cutie

8. City Hunter

Rating: 7/10

This was...wow! The stunts and the cinematography was amazing! Hats off to Kim- Sang Joong for his amazing portrayal of Lee Jin Pyo! This drama will really keep you on your toes especially with all the fights and the couple of twists

9. She Was Pretty

Rating: N/A

I couldn’t get past the 3rd episode. It bored me from the start and was incredibly cringy at times. Maybe I will try to watch it again but I just couldn’t watch the whole ‘oh i used to be pretty but now im super ugly.’ trope.

10. Scarlet Heart Ryeo

Rating: 3/10

Reminder: that this is a personal opinion list

Every time I tell someone I didn’t like this drama I get very bad looks but I just couldn’t with this drama man! I forced myself to finish it. It was really interesting at the start and I loved it but after the 13th episode (and I know cause I looked) I was so bored and it just annoyed me to no end. This drama really put me off period dramas and till now I can’t watch any. The first lead and her fizzled off and the fact that almost every guy was in love with her just made me roll my eyes. The drama dragged on for way too long and the ending sucked. This is probably the worst one I watched after Thumping Spike. I stopped watching drama’s for a while because of it. The only saving grace was Nam Joo Hyuk

11. Legend of the Blue Sea

Rating: 9.5/10

THIS WAS THE CUTEST DRAMA! I put off watching this for a while because of the whole mermaid thing but I regret it so much! It was so cute and the acting was on point! I cried so much during the last episode oh lord! The love story was funny, moving, so well developed and it was adorable from start to finish! This drama will make you laugh, cry, pissed off at times but it was just...I wish I could erase my memories and watch it again! Warning: you will fall in love with Tae-O

12. Bride of Habaek

Rating: 4/10

I was so disappointed with this drama, i had such high expectations and it just...Okay so I finished it because of Krystal and Gong Myung and how adorable their relationship is. This drama was adapted from the manga and i have to say that the manga was way better. The lead actress was so annoying and other than ‘I am a God you can’t treat/say/do this to me’ Nam Joo Hyuk really doesn’t have any other lines. Watch at your own risk.

13. School 2017

Rating: 9/10

THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD DRAMA! It was adorable while also teaching a lot about society nowdays. I loved the fact that it was supportive rather than pitting leads against leads like drama’s usually do. It was so cute and funny and just made my insides go ASJSFJSFJSHFSF because of the chemistry and how relevant the stories were.

14. Strong Woman Do Bong Soon

Rating: 9.5/10

THIS IS THE CUTEST DRAMA IF YOU WANT A BREAK FROM CRYING OR LIFE! Min min and Bong Bong OH I CANNOT! It was funny and cute and a little supernatural but trust me you will love it! This one will make you roll on the ground and pause just to squeal bc CUTENESS! Get me a guy like him pls

15. My Secret Romance

Rating: 8/10

This is kind of like Strong Woman but without the supernatural powers. A lot of resemblance with the whole CEO and girl who is working in the company except this one involves a one night stand and a female lead that can get on your nerves a little but other than that it was adorable and cute and definitely gives you a break from the crying dramas

16. Oh My Venus

Rating: 8.5/10

So this is a story about a fat girl who wants to lose weight and gets (read as: manipulates) a world famous trainer to help her boom they fall in love. It was really cute and the relationship between all of the cast just does things to my heart! It’s really worth the watch and the ending just had me on the floor! Also abs abs abs abs ERRYWHERE

17. While You Were Sleeping

Rating: 9.5/10

I just finished this drama like 3 days back and OH MY GOD! BEST DRAMA I HAVE EVER WATCHED! The chemistry between the two leads killed me! The twists and the character development and the directing and the cinematrograhy and the ACTING OH MY GOD! I have never watched a drama like this before! The supernatural and the real life scenarios were just...WOW!

18. Descendants of the Sun

Rating: 9.5/10

THIS FRICKIN DRAMA! I finished this in 2 days! It was that addicting and amazing! Both the lead and the side couple were brilliant! The acting was amazing the chemistry was even better! The fact that they also focus on the rest of the cast and the growth development of every single damn character is what got me! THE OST FOR THIS IS STILL ON MY PLAYLIST! I love this drama so much it’s in my top 5

19. Healer

Rating: 8.5/10

The reason it took me so long to watch this was because I read somewhere that it wasn’t worth the watch and that person is wrong! The concept of this drama is different but all episodes work towards one goal which i wanna say but will be a spoiler. The ending will have you shook

20. My Love From Another Star

Rating: 8.5/10

THIS FRICKIN DRAMA! It was really good and I loved the chemistry (which I know I say a lot) but really man! Chong Seong Hee is like an onion -  she has layers and there is also an alien but really man this drama killed it! I had very low expectations from it and it seriously proved me wrong. There is this one scene with the lead’s camera...just...get tissues. I teared but did not cry bc im a strong woman with no emotions

21. Pinocchio

Rating: N/A

I couldn’t get past the 7th episode. It bored me and I just found myself rolling my eyes at it a lot. I will try and rewatch this one day but just not any time in the near future.

22. Fight For My Way

Rating: 9.5/10

I COULD NOT STOP WATCHING! This drama was amazing! 4 best friends who just live life and the character development and the romance and friendship is literally goals! It was lighthearted but also got serious when it needed to be! It’s amazing and I would totally watch it again and again! I love Ae Ra’s aegyo she’s adorable <3

23. Suspicious Partner

Rating: 8/10

The start was a little rocky but after that it really grew on me. I would watch it in between classes and what not the cliffhangers just had me biting on my nails and the romance didn’t seemed forced or anything it was overall pretty alright and as a law student i loved the law part of it hehe

24. Hospital Ship

Rating: N/A

I will definitely be coming back to this but I had to stop midway for a bit. I loved the slow burn romance and also how that wasn’t the main plot of the story. I also loved the character interactions and how you can literally see the growth of each character after every episode.

25. Cheese in The Trap 

Rating: 1.5/10 

This drama is just super creepy with the stalker and his ‘dark tendencies’. It had me cringing and hating the fact that I had to keep watching. The only saving grace was Baek In Ho with his witty banter and constant support. The SLS is really strong in this drama. Baek In Ha was just cringy and annoying overall 

[jigensass]

As some of you are aware, I have begun on the path of Buddhism with an intent to become a better person and see the world for how it is, not as it is perceived by opinion or how our emotions fuel it for us in our minds. No, I do not plan to become a monk (or nun), but practicing it in my everyday life betters me and hopefully it will better the people around me as well. As before, you can agree or disagree or talk to me in my DMs about it.  

I went to Sangha on Sunday, and I requested a book to start my journey. I picked up two and have been reading and in my case analyzing for myself what to make of it. I have realized that the journey to enlightenment is different for everyone and some go faster than others. I personally like to share my thoughts after sangha or a study session because it helps me understand what I should be doing to help advance my journey into reaching enlightenment and I can share my findings with others.

For one, it is not something to just ingest entirely in one bite. I thought I understood it, but I was looking it in the wrong manners. To begin my study for the morning, I began with what I did best and wrote down the basics with questions that had endured in my head because it became obvious by the end that I was overthinking quite a bit for my case because in amongst itself, Buddhism is quite simple.

The most common confusion that arose was that with renunciation, or giving up simple pleasures and material items. In the past I did want to turn to Buddhism and I remember this concept being the main reason I felt like this path was not for me, but when you think about it, it’s a very simple concept that ties to more concepts that I will discuss as I write this. From my understanding, renunciation exists so as a means to help prevent the 3 materialisms from occurring in our lives which are materialistic, spiritual, and psychological. I’m not saying go right now and give up everything you own to become a Buddhist, that’s not the answer. The statement that this renunciation is trying to say is that do not get too attached to things in your life like your material possessions (I mean if you want to go live as a monk, that is up to you, your choice), because they are impermanent. Everything comes and goes in this universe and if we grow attached, we feed our egos with what is known as the 3 poisons (passion, aggression, and ignorance). You’re thinking 2 of those 3 things are unacceptable by any means but passion? I questioned that too, so I went digging for a more explained definition. In the mainstream, we use the word ‘passion’ to describe things we love like our significant other, or our passion, our “life’s work”. In this case when it is referred to as a poison, it is talking about how passion can get to the point where it will consume your life and you can think nothing more than that passion. An example would be a drug addiction. So, what we should attempt to do is live our lives in equanimity and let things pass as well as see things for what they are. Because if we let our emotions such as passion, aggression, and ignorance, control our thoughts and actions, our lives will only end up with suffering controlling us and being unhappy with ourselves and others.

Now I see you asking, but does that mean as a Buddhist, must we live without emotion? The answer is no, (I pondered on that thought too). Basically, we will have emotions, we are humans and not robots, and we cannot succumb to the intense ones because of the previous explanation. Which leads me to explain in detail about equanimity, or letting things pass. If we cling onto things, whether pleasant or unpleasant, we will turn to suffering yet again because we begin to crave these things. I will put out an example of myself is with my significant other. Yeah, he’s great to hang out and the time we talk and spend together is wonderful, but if I cling onto those moments, I’m just going to end up craving him more and expect him to be talking to me all the time because I want to feel that rush of dopamine going through my neurotransmitters all the time. This is called an addiction and it is a very unhealthy in whatever or whoever you love. If I just let those nice moments pass and I just reflect on them, I’m going to feel a lot better when I’m at work or playing Overwatch because I’m not drowned in the past by trying to recreate that moment’s emotion.

So long story short, if you want to have a clear mind, don’t let intense emotions bog you down because you’re going to dwell on them and you will just feel suffering and life will suck. A lot. What is taught by the Buddha is that we can take this confusion and turn it into wisdom. Now, not everyone is going to see the same sentence in the same manner. What happens with me is that when I see a piece of dharma, I try to relate it to a past event and use it as a teaching tool or I have been connecting the dots with the concepts.

Another thing that I did research a bit on today was karma. When most people think of karma, they think of oh if I do good things, good things will happen to me. That is not the case here. Karma is the basic idea of cause and effect. This frustrated me at first because I thought that karma was just a taboo thing that Buddhists couldn’t do. The thing about karma is that when you want to do something, you want to attempt to come at it with good intentions that are not filled with greed, hostility, and ignorance and that you are the only one responsible for your actions and choices Sure, if you do a good thing, people are going to react differently to said thing, but that is something you cannot control, but you can control your intentions because the action is going to instantaneously affect you whether it be good or bad. However, as a Buddhist, karma only lives in passion, aggression, and ignorance, so if we live without an ego and in equanimity, we will overcome karma because we let things pass as see it for what it is.  

Finally, a thing that I need to improve on is mindfulness which is a word that has been thrown around recently that means “being in the present”. Our minds tend to wander in the past, such as with anxiety, and in the future with karma. Sometimes we just need to step back and go with the flow and let things be. I know in life sometimes that can be difficult with busy schedules and such but there will be situations where we cannot control and when those situations come, we should accept them as they are and let them pass.

[sparklingtg]

Reflective Journal of Consumption 1

Week One

October 20th Sunday

Brunch & Cafe in Les Vraies Richesses

Dinner Chicking

Green tea extract

For me, Sunday is a no-class day, but I decided to go to my favourite cafe in Sherbrooke. I bought a turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee. As for dinner, I ate Chicking with Katrina because she said she ate Chicking several months ago, that was one of her great eating experiences. However, after I ate my combo, I thought it tasted fine. The last item I bought was a bottle of Green tea extract. The introduction of this item says it helps in weight management.

I noticed that the container of Chicking is plastic. That reminds me that I use plastic products every day. If you buy coffee from Tim Hortons, Starbucks, or a bus stop, do you notice lids? Most of them are made of plastics. I just used a recycled paper lid once in China. Indeed, plastic products bring convenient in our life. There are seven kinds of plastic products we usually use, and I find a picture to introduce them. Although plastic products are divided into different levels, it does not mean that they are safe. On the contrary, they threaten animals’ and humans’ health and lives. From the picture, we can see that plastic products will be out of shape when they suffer from high temperatures. Then, the toxic materials will come out. In addition, some animals die because of plastic products. For example, birds get caught in plastic bags and suffocated. Marine animals think plastic products are food, and they eat and be choked to death.

However, before we find an alternative material to replace plastic, classifying and recycling them might be a sound choice.

Plastics 101 | National Geographic

Recycling plastics – Resource efficiency with an optimized sorting method

Reference:

National Geographic. (2018, May 18). Plastics 101 | National Geographic. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/ggh0Ptk3VGE

Rochman, C., Browne, M., Halpern, B., Hentschel, B., Hoh, E., Karapanagioti, H., . . . Thompson, R. (2013). Classify plastic waste as hazardous. Nature, 494(7436), 169-171. doi:10.1038/494169a

VDI Zentrum Ressourceneffizienz. (2018, September 27). Recycling plastics – Resource efficiency with an optimized sorting method. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/I_fUpP-hq3A

October 22nd Tuesday

Grocery: milk, yogurt, egg, cocoa powder, vegetable, fruit and lotus biscuit

McDonald’s

The cocoa powder and lotus biscuit were used for baking lotus brownie. Local snacks or dessert are too sweet for me, so I’d like to bake in leisure time. Also, I believe that baking gives me time to think or stay with myself without any words. I am a person with performance goals, kind of. I care about my performance in other people’s eyes. Also, I enjoy the moment when some eat the food I made or when he or she like my baking food.

McDonald’s is the choice when I am too lazy to cook. However, if there are KFC, McDonald’s and Burger King around my home, I definitely choose Burger King. Because at the same price, the hamburgers and fries in Burger King are bigger than those in KFC and McDonald’s.

I remember that someone used McDonald’s hamburgers and fries to experiment.

The audience is shocked when they watch this video because the fries of McDonald’s changes little when they are put in a jar for several weeks. I have a similar experience. Once I bought a hamburger and put it in the refrigerator, then I forgot it. One week later, when I cleaned my fridge, I found it. It is still a complete burger. However, I cannot refuse the burgers’ invitation when I am hungry. I try reducing the times I eat those junk food, especially when I see the nutrition and calorie table.

The Decomposition of McDonald's Burgers and Fries

Add a BBC News on 1st November about a 10-year-old McDonald’s cheeseburger

https://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-50262547

The last McDonald’s restaurant in Iceland has been closed for ten years. The cheeseburger and the fries in this picture were bought ten years ago. I prefer to call them “Zombie Burger and Fries”, although McDonald’s says this phenomenon happens because the burger and fries live without moisture. 

Reference:

DebunkerSam. (2010, August 29). The decomposition of McDonald’s burgers and fries. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/8uHxRwQqWFo

October 23rd Wednesday

Nike air force 1

In one year, I usually buy one or two pairs of shoes. I like shoes, but I cannot afford them, so I only buy the one I love so much. When my friend recommended this pair of shoes to me, some words appeared in my brain: I need them. My parents cannot understand that because they are not interested in shoes. When my mom finds a bag she likes, I will see this bag at home the next day. We have a special ability with money to make our dreams come true. Money and desires allow us to be magicians. However, it may lead to spending addiction.

Sometimes I cannot refuse the recommendations from my friends. In Chinese, we call it “安利 (an li)”. When my friends describe one product, they introduce the benefits, wonderful appearance and proper cost-effective, which impede my critical thinking. In China, online living shopping is popular. One of the most popular hosts is Jiaqi Li. He sold five thousand products in three minutes. Most of the audience is female. He uses “Oh my god” and “all girls” as the hook to introduce the benefits of products. Coupons and discounts lure consumers. Before living shopping is over, you may buy something. Sometimes you buy something you will not use. Why? Why do we buy something useless?

There are three reasons: 1) improving self-esteem; 2) releasing pressure; 3) reducing anxiety and improving mood.

Some people prefer to compare with others when they buy luxury things, and they want to show off, which helps them to improve their self-esteem. Moreover, there is an Ebates survey shows that “63.9% of women and 39.8% of men shop to improve their mood”. Also, retail therapy is a consumers’ behaviour, they use is to control their emotions and improve their mood (Atalay & Meloy, 2011). Although Atalay and Meloy (2011) show that there is no significant negative response from retail therapy, I do not believe that retail therapy is an effective, long-term solution.

Reference:

Ebates survey: More than half (51.8%) of Americans engage in retail therapy-- 63.9% of women and 39.8% of men shop to improve their mood. (2013, ). Benzinga.Com.

Atalay, A. S., & Meloy, M. G. (2011). Retail therapy: A strategic effort to improve mood. Psychology & Marketing, 28(6), 638-659. doi:10.1002/mar.20404

October 24th Thursday

American visa fee

Soft drink: Canada Dry

Last Christmas, my uncle’s family went to San Francisco for vacation. I did not have an America visa, so I stayed at home and had Christmas alone. After they came back, they told me their incredible experience in the Yosemite national park that makes me jealous, so I apply for an American visa.

I love sparkling water, and sometimes I drink soft drinks. Through checking my statement, I found that each week, I spend about eight dollars on sparkling waters or soft drinks. Only this year, I want to abandon the habit of drinking soft drinks three times. The longest one is forty-two days. There are so many videos on YouTube to demonstrate how harmful to bodies when people drink coke. When I watch those videos, I changed soft drinks to sparkling water because there is no calorie in sparkling water. I hope that I could abandon soft drinks and sparkling water in two months.

October 25th Friday and October 27th Sunday

Tim Hortons: Coffee

For me, coffee is not a necessity, but if I have classes or I have to complete assignments, coffee is a sound choice for me to concentrate on tasks. When I was in China, there is a Starbucks on my way to work. I spent lots of money on coffee and other products (such as membership cards, mugs, and food). I had almost sixteen Starbucks membership card, and one card costs ninety-eight RMB (about 19 CAD). Each card involves five coupons (one free breakfast coffee, one free coffee, and three coupons for second cup free). Also, each card has a unique theme, and its fascinating appearance attracted me. Now, I regret that I spent money on those cards because they forced and engaged me to spend more on coffee and other products in Starbucks.

Then, when I came to Canada, I found Tim Hortons. One cup of coffee in Tim Hortons cost 2.26 CAD (after tax), while it costs 6.26 CAD in Starbucks. However, Starbucks has more types of coffee than Tim Hortons.

In Sherbrooke, there are only two Starbucks. It takes me forty minutes to arrive at the nearest one by bus. Fortunately, the distance helps me to save money.

[sjscorner]

Vaping saved my life, Mi-Pod lets me live it

Now, I’m not the first to say that vaping saved my life, far from it, the number of people who have had their lives saved by vaping is easily in the millions and growing daily. The National Health Service backs vaping as a safer alternative than smoking, a 95% safer alternative to smoking. I myself have felt the physical benefits of making the switch from tobacco products to vaping. My asthma has improved greatly (yes, I’m the idiot with asthma that smoked) and things that used to leave me breathless, such as walking up a hill, no longer do. Then of course the other benefits such as being able to taste food properly, my sense of smell has also improved. Now for most people I’m sure that’s just an ok additional bonus but for me, this is actually a great additional bonus, particularly in the long run as I am having to learn more and more to rely on my other senses as I am gradually losing my eyesight.

My name is Sam but if you know me on instagram then you’ll know me as SJ or that girl with the eyepatch. I like to think of myself as a fairly honest person and because of this, I am very open not just when it comes to dealing with my sight loss, but with my mental health as well. If the acronyms for mental illnesses were viewed the same as those ones you get when you graduate college or university, then I would be considered a genius. I live with BAD, BPD, GAD, SAD, EDNOS, OCD and ICD. Both OCD and ICD have their own set of illnesses, some cross over with each other. Scared yet? That’s a lot of letters but I’ll simplify them for you.

BAD - bipolar affective disorder. More specifically bipolar type 1.

BPD - borderline personality disorder.

GAD - General anxiety disorder.

SAD - Social anxiety disorder.

EDNOS - Eating disorder not otherwise specified.

OCD - Obsessive compulsive disorder.

ICD - Impulse control disorder.

Needless to say I have a lot going on, that combined with my eyesight, I think is enough to explain how I became a prisoner of my own home. I also happen to be a warrior, I refuse to say survivor because to be a survivor I have to be a victim (in my mind) and I am not a victim, and have been through my own fair share of ups and downs in life including abusive relationships. Why is this relevant? Because now you understand why, at the time, I was incredibly reluctant to be around people. I trusted very few people for a very long time and this was not helped by my mental health.

I made the switch from cigarettes to vaping in June 2017, it had nothing to do with my desire to be healthier, I was fully aware of the risks of smoking but I honestly didn’t care. No, I switched to vaping out of frustration with my eyesight. I used to roll my cigarettes by hand but with the loss of depth perception and peripheral vision, rolling became an issue and more often than not I would miss putting the tobacco in the paper and end up with it all on the floor. I was in no way ready to give up smoking so switching to vaping made sense to me because not only would I still get my nicotine (I had tried other NRTs in the past) but I would still get the satisfaction of exhaling that all so important plume of smoke or in this case vapour that is entwined with the psychological side of addiction to cigarettes. My first vape shop experience wasn’t exactly brilliant, I was sold a faulty device, it was not local at all and at the time I had no knowledge of vaping and they didn’t provide me with any either. I worried that vaping was going to be a flash in the pan for me but between myself and my Mum (my biggest advocate of all aspects of my life) we were able to locate a local store. SpaceInvapers.

I cannot sing enough praises for SpaceInvapers because they have done so much for me. They gave me a safe place that I could go and spend time, talk vape, try new juices, get help and help me with socialising and learning that not all people are out to hurt each other. They even gave me a little corner of my own to stop people making me jump and because when I do get anxious I like being in a small space, it helps me to calm down. Through SpaceInvapers I discovered the vape community on instagram and that opened up a world of doors for me. SpaceInvapers were my step in the right direction but I was still locking myself away at home, though I now had the social aspect of the community online. My sight was stable enough that I was able to learn about ohms law, RTAs, RDAs and how to do my own build. Unfortunately my sight took a nose dive in the early months of 2018, I stopped going to SpaceInvapers, I was struggling to do my builds which made me frustrated and angry at myself because this was something I knew how to do and all of a sudden I couldn’t do it anymore and on the occasions that I did manage to do build, my builds weren’t very tidy and it would take me half an hour or more. I was seriously contemplating giving vaping up and going back to smoking, even if it meant having to buy packets of cigarettes now that rolling was pretty much no longer an option. I was even struggling with Subohm tanks. I’d often overfill them or I wouldn’t see that I hadn’t screwed the coil in properly and end up with juice all over my hands and desk and on more than one occasion I’d end up burning out the coil before I’d even really had a chance to use it. I tried to put a brave face on about it all, I tried to be proud of myself for still trying to build despite how long it took me but it was also causing me a lot of pain. My vision is permanently in and out of focus, my eyes get tired so much quicker than that of a normal persons vision, but on the occasions where I would push myself (which was happening more and more), it would cause pressure to build up behind my eyes, unimaginable headaches and migraines. My anxiety was increasing because of my vision, I was often bumping into things and tripping over things, vaping when I was out was a time of vulnerability for me as I had to stop, take my vape out of my pocket, use my vape, then put it back in my pocket so I could carry on. Now, I’m very aware that people know I’m visually impaired when I’m out by myself as I use a cane but to then reduce my vision even further with a big cloud? I would have no idea if someone were to approach me and that thought alone was enough to make chest tight with anxiety. I’m sure people will say, surely cigarette smoke would’ve obscured your vision also and they are right but I had the weird comfort of knowing that while my cigarette was lit, it was also an item I could use for self-defence. I may joke about using my cane as a weapon but 1) I’m not at all inclined towards violence, especially with something that could cause serious harm and 2) when you’re trained with a visual aid cane such as mine you are actually told to never hit someone with it, especially around the head because you could actually kill them (whether this is is true or not I have no idea, but I have no desire to find out).

I was back at square one, perhaps even a few squares further back as I’d had a brief taste of what the outside world was like. I’d lost all confidence in going out. I hated that I’d lost my independence when it came to vaping as I was at a point where I need other people to do my builds and help my change coils, dependent on the colour of the tank or juice, I sometimes had to have someone help me fill my tank. I was depressed, I was cutting myself off from the world again, I didn’t see the point in trying and was genuinely contemplating selling what vape stuff I had and just going to buy a pack of cigarettes and be done with it. While I was still debating, I ended up browsing online (as you do) and I came across something I had never seen before. The Mi-Pod. I’m not going to lie, I was intrigued. I’d never see a vape device that small before, nor was I familiar with pod systems at the time, so I gave it a click so I could find out more about it. It sounded so simple and easy to use. This was to be my last attempt at sticking with vaping. If this little device, as simple as it sounded, was too much for my eyes then that was the “sign” that vaping wasn’t meant me for me and I’d go back to cigarettes (because the last time I tried cold turkey the nicotine withdrawal impacted my mood so much that bipolar had a field day and believe me when I say it was not good for anyone).

March 8th 2018, vape mail! It’s daft, but I was excited and nervous. It felt like I had so much riding on the Mi-Pod, I felt that if I went back to smoking I would lose all of the friends I had made within the vape community and I really would go back to being cut off from the world. Even I have to laugh at how over-dramatic it all sounds, but I also knew that if started backsliding that it could potentially land me back in the psychiatric unit in hospital or worse.   I’d say it was love at first sight, but back then I couldn’t see the details of the Digital Orange Mi-Pod, but I can say it was love at first touch. I had such a little nerdy moment that I think you can only understand when you’ve had to learn to rely more on touch than your sight, this wasn’t smooth metal or plastic or even carbon fibre, this had lines that I could trace, smooth corners and edges that would mean if I were to grab it in a hurry (usually when I’ve knocked it off the table) that I wasn’t gong to hurt my hands, but oh the texture! It was a vape with a tactile experience and I loved it! The grey pod concerned me at first glance but once I had it flipped over and I saw that the little bung was white, my concern quickly dissipated. The pod was even opaque which meant I felt ok enough to fill it myself, admittedly I did hold it so a light was shining through, and it was easy to do. The bung was something that I soon found was something I could do without help at all or even having to look at it, I could do it simply by feel. While I let the juice settle in the pod, I explored the rest of the contents of the box. Charging cable - standard. Lanyard - huh? Little black doohickey to attach to your Mi-Pod so you can attach it to the lanyard - that’s bloody genius! I had no idea about the lanyard when I ordered it and I have to say, I did think I’d lose my Mi-Pod more than once, even if it was bright orange, because of the size. The lanyard solved that problem instantly and so much more but we’ll get to that. With the lanyard and the doohickey attached, the pod now in place, I finally tried out the Mi-Pod, I was expecting the flavour to be a dramatic loss after coming from RTAs but I was pleasantly shocked. The flavour was great, it was actually even better than some of the Subohm tanks I owned. I decided I’d give it a trial period, flavour is always amazing at first but there comes a point of drop off with most tanks, right? Or not as the case may be. I was so impressed that less than a month later I had ordered another.

The Mi-Pod was the answer when it came to my eyes, I have never (to date, touch wood) had to ask anyone to help me refill my pods or anything. I had a slight issue with my second Mi-Pod, I was heartbroken because I was beginning to rely on these devices, I got in touch with Mi-One and told them about the issue I was having. The customer service was amazing, they replaced the faulty Mi-Pod, their response time was insanely quick considering they’re in America and I’m in the UK, not only that, they were genuinely nice to talk to. I’m very old school in some ways, if you have you crappy customer service, I don’t care how good your product is, you won’t be getting my service. Mi-One had the product and the customer service. I was beyond impressed.

Back on track to stay off of cigarettes, I started to immerse myself more in the vape community but I needed to start doing more outside of the house. I needed to be able to go out by myself. A grown woman in her 30s should be able to do something as simple as go to the corner shop alone or go for a walk around the park for some fresh air, right? Anxiety is evil, it steals so much from you, destroys your confidence, brings along its friend, paranoia. I had my Mi-Pod, I could wear it around my neck which meant I could still use my cane with ease and when I wanted a vape I wouldn’t have to stop, I could keep on walking (albeit a little slower). I started out small, the corner shop was quite literally a two minute walk from my house. At first you’d think I’d sprinted there and back but I gradually slowed my pace until I felt that I was ok. Next I moved on to the local park, from my house, round the park and back to my house again is about a ten minute walk, a terrifying ten minute walk in the beginning. I did this everyday until I felt ok with it. I discovered that my Mi-Pod was more than just a vape, it was a source of comfort. When anxiety crept in, I would wrap my hand around my Mi-Pod and trace the pattern with my finger tips and tell myself that I’ve got this. All the while, I documented my journey with my anxiety through my stories on instagram. The support I received was mind blowing. I had so many people cheering me on, including Mi-One which I didn’t expect at all. In the grand scheme of things on instagram, I’m not much of anyone, I’m by no ones standards an influencer or the like, I’m just a person thats part of a community and yet this company, which I supported and had created a device that was helping me in so many ways, not only saw me but reached out and offered their support and encouragement. My family were supporting me, my friends were supporting me and so were Mi-One. I’ve never had so much support in my life! I’ve always been the person that gets torn down, kicked about, told they won’t amount to anything and suddenly my life is full of all these amazing humans who believe in me. Once I conquered the park, I moved on to the local pharmacy and doctors. As time passed I was even able to go to doctors appointments alone, something I hadn’t done since I was twenty one. Going to a doctors appointment alone was pretty freeing and it urged me to push myself further but I had done all the local places that I would actually go to, I’d have to go further afield. I hadn’t been on a bus myself in twelve years, even standing in the bus stop made me anxious as I can’t read the timetables as they’re so small. That first solo journey on the bus was terrifying. I felt like everyone was watching me, judging me. I think if I’d gripped my Mi-Pod any harder I might’ve cracked it, I was clinging to it that much. That first puff when I got off the bus is quite possibility the most satisfying vape I have ever had, I had gotten the bus to town and I hadn’t had a panic attack. I was anxious, it was my first trip on a bus in so long but I didn’t have a panic attack. I still get anxious on the bus sometimes but it’s more due to the people on it than the bus itself, but to be fair, it gets uncomfortable when people stare at you cos you have an eye patch so I think it’s fair to experience some anxiety over that.  

Vaper Expo UK October 2018, was an experience. I travelled alone by train, I felt fairly relaxed about it all. I would’ve been even more relaxed if I could’ve vaped on the train but then wouldn’t we all? Because of my cane, security helps me right to the desk to pick up my pass and is even kind enough to let me in an entrance that means I don’t need to go through the tunnel with all the lights that hurt my eyes a lot. Once inside, things changed. It was extremely busy, my anxiety was present but I was still able to enjoy myself. I’d customised my patch for Halloween with googly eyes and so many people had said they’d love it but it only takes one bad apple to turn good into bad. A random guy saw my patch and laughed at me. My confidence and ability to handle people disappeared and his laughter echoed in my skull. I was done. I couldn’t breathe. I stopped to say goodbye to a friend and was heading out. I paused for a moment to text my mum and let her know I’d be getting the next train home, I had my Mi-Pod in my hand and for whatever reason I decided that my expo was over but I wanted to go round to a few companies that I support and are always lovely to me to say thank you and hope they enjoy the rest of the show and get home safe. It was an excellent decision because it turned my expo around, instead of leaving on a bad note with some idiots laughter in my head, I had people that actually matter to me saying if I put him out, they’d sort him out. Obviously I declined that offer, but it made me laugh and I went home with a smile on my face.

Prior to Vaper Expo UK, a couple of weeks before hand, I was at a family meal to celebrate my Nana’s purchase of an apartment in Milton Keynes. We were planning on doing so much together, taking the bus to places, getting lost together. We were the blind leading the blind. Whist out to dinner Nana noticed my Rose Stars Mi-Pod, she couldn’t get over how cute it was. “It’s so small!” She couldn’t see the details in but she was able to see the colour and that it glittered. I remember her disbelief when I told her it was a vape, she really was gobsmacked by it. “I like this one much better than your other vapes,” I remember her saying. Every time I look at my Rose Stars Mi-Pod I’m reminded of that day and how happy my Nana was. It is a memory I cling to dearly as not long after that day, on November 8th 2018, my Nana passed away. It broke my heart in ways I can't explain. My Nana was the only person in my life who understood what it meant to be losing my sight as she too was losing hers. I found myself feeling very alone in the world and I wanted so much to disappear, but I was now part of a community that wouldn't let me, my best friends wouldn't let me and I am so grateful for all these people that I have in my life, because of vaping. Nana had put aside a little bit of money for myself, my sister and my brother, it was something she did out of the blue on occasion and would tell us to go treat ourselves. I had decided that with that money I would get a Mi-Pod that I was missing from my growing collection, I had a few by now, all different colours and textures which allowed me to set them up with different flavours and identify them by touch. I was missing a dragon skinned Mi-Pod, it was (at the time) the only texture I was missing. It would've made Nana happy to know that she had bought me something that I could use in a practical sense but also gave me joy. I encountered a slight problem though, no matter where I looked, I couldn't find a dragon skinned Mi-Pod anywhere. I posted on instagram that I was having trouble finding one, the amount of people that responded to help me was mind blowing. There were so many people scouring the internet, their local shops, to help find me a dragon skinned Mi-Pod and to say my heart was full, is an understatement. I'm happy to say, a Sea Dragon Mi-Pod was found and the shop someone had spoken to about it, was kind enough to hold it until I called them and allowed me to pay for it over the phone. It's one of my favourite Mi-Pods, because not only did my Nana buy it for me which she would've been made up about, but it showed me how remarkable this community is. It was such a silly thing, in the grand scheme of things, but in my time of grieving, all these people came together just to help me find this one Mi-Pod and that is something I will never forget.

Unintentionally, I've become known for my love of Mi-Pods, which I don't have an issue with at all, it amuses me sometimes that people know me because of my love of Mi-Pods even though I imagine a lot of them don't know why I love Mi-Pod so much. Anyone that knows me knows that I have some other loves that I also make no apologies for, in particularly Stitch. Yep, I am a grown ass woman and I'm obsessed with a Disney character. Stitch is special to me for a reason but that story is for another time. What does Stitch have to do with Mi-Pod? Nothing, except I thought it would be so amazing to have a Stitch Mi-Pod so I could have two things I loved as one. February 2nd 2019 I get tagged in a picture on instagram to find that a very talented individual (@vapeillustrate) had designed a Stitch Mi-Pod for me. I'm not going to lie, I cried. I was having a really hard time, the loss of my Nana and the events in my life after had rocked the boat with bipolar and I had lost my stability. I was in pretty bad shape, rapid cycling between deep depression and hypomania and experiencing an increase of psychotic episodes. Out of nowhere, this random act of kindness. It felt like an angel had sent me a reminder that even with all the chaos and uncertainty I was experiencing, there was still good in the world. One random act of kindness changed so much for me. I told anyone who would listen (and even those who wouldn't) about how this one person had designed this Mi-Pod for me, it had given me something to genuinely smile about. I wished there was a way to make the design a reality and once again, the community came to life, figuring out ways to make it so I could actually own a Stitch Mi-Pod (the design also featured my initials). Soon Zap Wrapz UK were found and the design (with the artists permission) was turned into a skin. I'm very much a person that believes in not forgetting important moments in life, I often commemorate them in some way or another, often via the means of tattoo. I'm sure you're not surprised that I got the design tattooed. Even if I ever stop vaping, I have this permanent reminder that there is good in the world, that with the right tools (Mi-Pod) I can achieve so much more than I realise I am capable of and that there are so many people that care about me, even when I feel entirely alone. It serves as a reminder to never give up, no matter how tough things get sometimes.

My life has been far from easy. I've spent most of my life with people grinding me down, I'd been made to believe that I was stupid, incapable, that I would never achieve anything in life. I am one of the, now all too many, that were told to go kill themselves. Finding this community has been a shock to the system. Instead of being told I can't, I'm encouraged to try. When I find that I can't do something, people reach out and offer help. For some people, being a brand ambassador is just another thing they've done, for me it is something I take great pride in. I've spent most of my life being told that I'm nothing, I don't look good, etc, etc, etc. That's why it means so much to me to be a Mi-Pod ambassador. I'm not a model, I never will be and I have no desire to be one. I live with mental health obstacles and sight loss. To have the people behind the very device that kept me from going back to cigarettes turn around and say we know you have sight loss, we know you have mental health obstacles but we don't care, we want you to be part of our family and we love you? No one will ever be able to fully understand what that means to me. I love my family and I love my friends but there comes a point where they can't boost you up anymore than they already have just because of the way the world works. Your family can think you're the greatest baker in the world but that's not going to get you the job in the bakery, you know what I mean? So for this company with over a million followers to notice tiny little me and say, yep, that's the person we want - it's mind blowing.

Mi-Pod even gave me the opportunity to be on the stand with them at Vape Jam UK this April, did I turn it down? Hell no! Was I anxious? I was terrified! Did I do it anyway? Damn right I did! For the first time since I began losing my sight, I not only took the train to London alone, I successfully manage the Underground by myself and I did it without having any panic attacks. That is a BIG deal! London is very different from Milton Keynes and Birmingham. The last time I had taken the Underground, I was with someone else, no one cared that I had a cane and my cane actually got stuck in the tube doors. I was terrified of doing it alone because I had no one else there to protect me but I did it. I went and I stayed at a lovely apartment with someone I had yet to meet (even more terrifying), and Charlie turned out to be one of the nicest people I've been blessed to encounter and I am genuinely thankful to have met him and still talk to him from time to time now. I got to meet Geoff (one of the co-founders), which as a Mi-Pod nerd was awesome but getting to meet him as a person, he's so genuine and down to earth! Don't let the suit fool you! Between Charlie and Geoff, I had some of the most mind opening conversations and neither one of them could give a rats ass about my eyepatch or cane. Vape Jam UK was very different to Vaper Expo UK, it's an experience I will never forget and it has boosted my confidence in so many ways. I got to meet so many amazing people, talk til I was blue in the face about something I love and have a fantastic time.

I cannot thank Geoff and Amir enough for taking a chance to get to know the random half blind girl on instagram and allow me to be part of something special and enable me to grow in ways that were just inconceivable to me. Two years ago, I was a shell of person, afraid to leave my house, unable to go anywhere alone. Now I'm constantly challenging myself to be the best version of myself I can be, testing my limits everyday and overcoming obstacles instead of retreating. My sight will continue to deteriorate, I can't do anything about that, but I know that I am capable of handling things and adapting. Mi-Pod stopped me from going back to cigarettes and because of Mi-Pod I've learnt to never say never because every never I said I'd never be able to do, take the bus by myself, do the London Underground, I've done. Vaping saved my life but it wasn't until Mi-Pod came into my life that I finally began to live it.

[selfharm-recoverylife]

For Self Injury Awareness Day pt. 2

PART 2 of 2 FEEL FREE AND PLEASE DO SHARE THIS POST. EVEN IF YOU DON'T READ THE ENTIRE THING PLEASE PLEASE SHARE. I want to start off by saying that today is SIAD. Self Injury Awareness Day. So, I am writing a really long post that I hope, if you are my friend, family member, or complete stranger, that you will take the time to read and comprehend. (If you want to know my story, go to my page. You can read it there.) I'm also writing this bc I want people to discuss it. SELF HARM IS NOT AND CANNOT CONTINUE TO BE A TABOO SUBJECT. I could go on for awhile on why it's not taboo, but I'll sum it up with this: treating self harm as a taboo subject that should just be hidden away and not discussed can be debilitating to those who deal with it, and if the subject material makes you uncomfortable, that means you're human, but you shouldn't stop discussing it, and you shouldn't treat it like it's poison, or dismiss it like it's nothing. Awareness of this is important, and it MUST be discussed. Over the years, I've heard many people say many different things about people who self harm. I've heard people say that they are attention seekers, freaks, that they are suicidal, that it's a form of teenage rebellion, or something teenagers just do. That we could stop if we wanted, and that we must have some form of traumatic past to self harm. That's only a few of the things I want to touch on in this post. First off, I would like to define what self harm is. Self harm: the act of doing harm to oneself. You'd think that it's self explanatory, but please note, i did not use the word 'cut' in my definition. Many people think that self harm is just about cutting. That that's the only form. It isn't. Self harm can be anything, from cutting, to hair pulling hitting yourself, burning yourself, or many others. I'm making sure to mention this bc many people only look for scars on a self harmer's person, when in reality there are many marks that can be from self harm. The most common name I have heard people call SI people is attention seekers. First, that is the stupidest name in the world to call someone who self harms. People who self harm, GO to extreme lengths to hide what they have done. Long clothes in hot weather, makeup over bruises, scars, burns, or by pulling away so no one has to see it. If they choose to tell you that they are self harming, they aren't attention seeking. They have made the extraordinarily brave decision to trust you. And on that note, if someone tells you they are self harming, it is not your place to be the judge of whether they are or aren't. Regardless of how bad the wounds are, or how long it's been going on, if someone says they are harming, YOU TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. You do not get to tell them that they aren't, or that it's just a teenage thing (which is bs bc many adults self harm too), or anything that makes them feel invalid. There is already a problem of people feeling like their problems aren't bad enough to get them help. DO NOT be one of the reasons someone thinks that. Next, the other most common thing I have heard people say is that people who self harm are suicidal. NOT. TRUE. Some people who self harm might be suicidal, and some might self harm and suicide never crosses their mind. Suicide and self harm ARE NOT linked. Self harm is a coping mechanism, and suicide is the end result, many times, to a mental illness. Sometimes self harming can lead to an accidental death, especially if you cut or burn where a large vein is, like on the inside of your arm. Oh, and just bc a person self harms, doesn't mean, in any way that they had a traumatic past, or are dealing with a mental illness. It could be bc of those reasons, but sometimes it's simply due to stress. I touched on this earlier, but self harm isn't only a teenage thing. True, many people start self harming in their teenage years bc those years are insanely stressful, but it can definitely start later and can easily carry over into a person's adult years. Another thing that I've had some people I know who self harm tell me is that people think that they can stop if they wanted too. Some can. Some can go many days without cutting. Some cut every day. Some cut sporadically. Some cut one time, some cut many. For some, it can become an addiction. To the feeling, the pain, the blood, the stress relief, or when you touch the cuts after the occur and feel the mark left behind. No self harm story is the same for everyone, and each person's is valid, and must be taken as seriously as the next, with no judgement, and same amount of care and treatment. There are also some severe consequences that can come from self harm. Sometimes nerve damage can be caused, sometimes accidental death can occur by cutting or burning by a vein. Many times it's psychological consequences, like trigger words or events, places or people that trigger memories or a severe need to cut or harm yourself to stop remembering other pain. Finally, I'd like to answer a question that I get asked often: Why do people self harm? People self harm for many, many reasons, but I can try and give you some of the ones I know here: self hatred, depression, stress, trauma, abuse, PTSD, anxiety, eating disorders, and various other mental illnesses. Sometimes it's a combination of many, sometimes its one, and sometimes it's none of them, and it's a completely different reason that I didn't say. Finally, how to help. Understand that a person who self harms, especially someone who hasn't told anyone about it, many times is going to deny that they're doing it, and probably continue to hid it better or self harm somewhere else. In this case, keep an eye on them, and if you suspect they are still doing it (they likely are), talk to an adult, or a counselor, or someone you know for a fact can get them help. If they say they will stop or that's it's not that bad, trust your instincts, and still tell someone or get them help. Yes, they might become angry. Unfortunately that is a price you must pay and that they must pay on the road to getting help. It just is. Most people will forgive, and even if they don't, take comfort in knowing that whether they realize it or not, you did help them. If you don't take the above path, although it is the best thing to do, then try and talk to the person. Try and get them to trust you so that they will reach out to you when they feel the urge to harm. Talk to them. Distract them. Tell them you love them, care about them, that they are enough, valid, and that who they are is much more than the cuts or burns or whatever harm they do. Hell, google alternatives for harming and then make sure they do them instead of harming themselves. Some good ones I've found were to draw where you'd usually cut, with a marker or with food coloring, or distract yourself by watching a movie or show, or go and sit with another person or people or get someone to come and sit with them, since many times people don't cut in front of others, or to throw away or get rid of the item they'd cut with, or go beat the crap out of a pillow or a boxing bag, or run, or do anything but sit there and thing about harming. The urge to cut will pass for many of us by then, and we will make it another day without cutting. As a final note, and if you've made it this far on so long of a post, congrats, and please, please, please share this post. Hell, even if you skimmed this, or just skipped to the bottom, please share this. You don't know who is dealing with this, and you never know who it'll help.

[drmarkwrites-blog]

“AN ADDICTION UNNOTICED” (9/16/18)

“Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul.” (I Peter 2:11 KJV)

There is great value in listening in a Christian Education setting, whether you are the teacher or one of the students. The dynamics of open discussion become very beneficial. Interaction, open dialogue, produces some consequential and essential insights. That is why in today’s times, where the traditional Sunday morning “Sunday School” and the Sunday evening “Training Union” have been abandoned, I still promote Sunday School for all ages.  Even in the mid-week Bible classes, during the discussions of focal texts, where truths from above and themes for living are told, often someone shares an unexpected thought that had not entered the mind of anyone else in the classroom, including the teacher. For example, a few weeks ago, the head of our Deacon Board made a statement that pointed to an addition that was at the root of all addictions. I thought of it immediately as “an addiction unnoticed.”  The Deacon said, in the context of our discussion, “The problem today is that too many people, even in the church, have the “I Addiction.”  He started providing a variety of examples; a multiplicity of illustrations that showed why many believers cannot present the Lord with the sacrifice of their time, talents, and treasures. “I need to do this first!” “I need to buy this device to keep up with technology.” “I need to find the love of my life.” “I need to handle my business.” “I need to do things that make me happy.” “I believe, but I have some other things that I have to tend to right now.” “I have to get as much sleep as I can.” “I cannot be forgiving like you.” “I have to get my rest.” “I can get that new car if I work overtime all the time.” “I can’t help myself.” One gets addicted to substances because the “I Addiction” calls for a way to satisfy self with a fleeting and non-sustaining joy. One gets addicted to carnal, fleshly desires because the “I Addiction” says, “I can’t do without.” Video games becomes an addiction that starts with the “I Addiction:” “I got to have the latest and the best, whether my income and the addition of the balance in my checkbook matches my “I Addition” desire!  Infidelity, over and over, finds its roots in the “I Addiction!” “I” am going to find happiness wherever happiness lives and the heck with risks, reckless living, and resulting physical and psychological or primary relationship damage.  The “I addiction” is why we need more closets, not just those narrow closets we had as youngsters, but either multiple closets or ginormous walk-in closets. “I” got to look good and “I” got to keep up with the trends.  “I” can’t wear the same thing I wore last week!” Oh, the “I Addiction” is something else, isn’t it! It is an addiction not only unnoticed, but often untreated!  Think about it more when you get back from church this morning, that is unless the “I Addiction” caused you to stay home without an excuse. And then, start thinking how you can place a “Christ Addiction” in place of your “I Addiction” as you start a new week!

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” (Galatians 2:20 NASB)

Still committed to the climb,

Mark L. King    

[wehurt-weburn-webloom]

A poem I so desperately want to, but cannot read.

Codependency 101

“Codependency means 2 people in a relationship that can't do anything without each other.”

Wrong.

You're all wrong.

Codependency.

Quote

“excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or an addiction”

What does codependency mean to me?

It means,

I LOVE you.

You've never felt love? You've been abandoned? Your parents and family left you hanging alone, defenseless?

I will show you what love is, I will attend to your every need. I will stroke your body, I will hold you as you cry. I will validate every negative emotion you feel.

I will support you.

You hate your body? You doubt your looks? You think you're ugly?

Oh, my love.

You. Are. Gorgeous.

I will kiss every inch of your skin. I will stand behind you as we look in the mirror and point out every single tiny detail of your being. You're beautiful. You're amazing. I want you. Always.

You've struggled with mental illness? No one could help you deal? You've been alone in this this whole time?

Oh baby, let me tell you, I know every answer.

I know exactly how to solve this. I can fix you.

Let me fix you.

Lean on me. I'm so ready.

You're safe now.

You feel shitty?

I know EXACTLY what you need to do.

I can FIX this.

Just listen to me. Just listen to everything I tell you.

I've been through this.

I KNOW what you should do.

I LOVE you.

Why are you still sad? Why aren't you doing what I've told you to do?

Why haven't you taken my advice?

I told you what to do, why aren't you doing it?

Oh my God, stop!

I don't have energy for this! I give EVERYTHING I have to you.

I need space. I need some space.

No, I KNOW I told you you could lean on me. But like seriously, your negative energy is ruining my mood and progress. I need to focus on myself.

Oh. Wow. you're really upset. I'm so sorry. You're right, I'm selfish.

I do love you.

I know I told you I'd be here for you forever, I'm just dealing with so much of my own shit.

You're right, I'm selfish.

Oh no, stop, please stop crying. It's all my fault. You're right.

I LOVE you.

I'll stop. I'll be better. I'll think of you before I think of myself.

Ugh. I love you.

I love you so much.

Let me FIX this.

Just LISTEN TO ME!

I KNOW EXACTLY what you need to do.

Why aren't you LISTENING to me??

Just listen to me!!

I resent you. I know what's best for you and you won't do it. You won't do exactly everything I'm telling you to do.

Fine. Fuck you.

Leave me alone. I hate this.

But why won't you just LISTEN to me? !

Oh God, you're hurting. I'm so sorry. I've hurt you again. I know. I'm selfish. I'm an asshole.

I told you you could lean on me and I abandoned you again.

I love you, let me take care of you. Let me fix it.

I can fix it.

Thank you for your forgiveness, I'll be better.

FUuuuuuuCK.

I have a problem.

I care too much. I have to have control.

This is codependency.

I've read this book and I know what I'm doing and it's not ok.

I love too much. I care too much. I know what's best and you won't listen and I resent you for it.

Let me be alone. I'm not healthy.

I have to learn to love myself.

But you're sad.

I'm the only one who understands you, every inch of your being and i know it.

We both know it.

I'M your only person and I've made it that way.

I need you.

You're my only person and I've made it that way.

I hate you for it.

I need you.

I'll just…. I'll find comfort in someone else. I don't need you. I've just played this codependent game again.

Holy SHIT that did not work.

I miss you more.

I hated all of it, I only thought of you and you're the only person I can talk to about it.

You're falling apart. I did this. It's my fault. It's too soon.

Oh God, you're falling apart. This is my fault. I did this.

Let me pick up the pieces. I love you.

You've forgiven me again.

I'll do better.

I'm so sorry.

I LOVE you.

Fucking.

Repeat.

Victim number 3,

It's time I do the right thing.

Walk the fuck away.

Fix yourself.

Stop hurting people.

#bealone2018