#3. replace large catheter with small

[john-marshall]

had tubes in holes today

[pinellasvascularus]

Get Lasting Knee Pain Relief with GAE Treatment in St. Petersburg, FL

Knee pain can make everyday life hard. Walking, climbing stairs, or even getting out of a chair can be painful. If you are struggling with long-term knee pain in St. Petersburg, FL, there is good news. A safe, non-surgical procedure called GAE treatment is helping many people feel better and it’s available locally at Pinellas Vascular.

In this article, we’ll explain how GAE treatment for knee pain in St. Petersburg FL works, what to expect, and how it can help you get lasting relief.

What Is GAE Treatment?

GAE stands for Genicular Artery Embolization. It is a modern, minimally invasive procedure that helps reduce knee pain, especially from knee osteoarthritis. Instead of surgery, GAE uses small tools and imaging to treat the arteries in your knee that are causing pain.

During GAE, a doctor blocks some of the small blood vessels around your knee. These vessels can cause inflammation and pain when they bring too much blood to damaged knee tissue. By slowing this blood flow, GAE reduces swelling and pain in the knee.

Why Choose GAE for Knee Pain?

Many people in St. Petersburg, FL are choosing GAE treatment because it is:

Non-surgical – no large cuts or hospital stay

Quick recovery – most people return to normal activities in a few days

Low risk – fewer complications than surgery

Proven results – many patients feel relief for months or even years

Covered by some insurance plans (check with your provider)

If you have chronic knee pain that doesn’t go away with medicine, injections, or physical therapy, GAE could be a great option.

How Does the Procedure Work?

GAE treatment for knee pain St.Petersburg FL is done by an interventional radiologist. This doctor uses imaging (like live X-rays) to guide tiny tools inside your body without surgery. Here is what happens during the procedure:

The doctor gives you local anesthesia to numb a small area near your wrist or groin.

A thin tube (called a catheter) is inserted into an artery and guided to the knee.

The doctor injects tiny particles into the genicular arteries to block blood flow to inflamed areas.

Once done, the catheter is removed, and a small bandage is placed over the area.

The whole procedure usually takes 1 to 2 hours, and most people go home the same day.

What to Expect After GAE Treatment

After the procedure, you may feel mild discomfort or swelling in the knee for a few days. This is normal and goes away quickly. Most people return to light activity within 2–3 days, and full activity in about a week.

You can expect pain relief to begin within a few weeks. Many people feel much better in 2 to 4 weeks, and results can last for 6 months to over a year, depending on your condition.

Is GAE Right for You?

GAE treatment for knee pain in St. Petersburg FL is a good choice for people who:

Have chronic knee pain (lasting 6 months or more)

Have knee osteoarthritis

Tried other treatments (like pills, injections, or therapy) without success

Are not ready or able to have knee replacement surgery

It’s also a great option for older adults or those with other health problems that make surgery risky. If you want a non-surgical, lasting solution for knee pain, talk to the experts at Pinellas Vascular to see if GAE is right for you.

Why Choose Pinellas Vascular?

When it comes to GAE, you want a provider you can trust. That’s why many patients in St. Petersburg, FL turn to Pinellas Vascular.

Here’s why:

Experienced team of interventional radiologists

Advanced tools and technology

Personalized care and attention

Comfortable outpatient setting

Clear explanations and support before, during, and after treatment

The team at Pinellas Vascular has helped many people get back to doing what they love — walking, moving, and living without constant knee pain.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is GAE safe?

Yes. GAE is a low-risk procedure with very few complications. It is safer than surgery and does not require general anesthesia.

How long does it take to recover?

Most people feel better in 2 to 4 weeks and return to normal activity in just a few days.

Will I need surgery later?

GAE can delay or avoid the need for knee surgery. However, if you do need surgery in the future, GAE does not prevent it.

Is GAE covered by insurance?

Some insurance plans cover GAE. The staff at Pinellas Vascular can help you check your coverage and give you more details.

Take the Next Step Toward Pain-Free Living

Knee pain doesn’t have to control your life. With GAE treatment, you can get back to walking, moving, and doing the things you love without surgery or long recovery times.

If you’re looking for GAE treatment for knee pain in St. Petersburg FL, contact Pinellas Vascular today. Their caring team will answer your questions and help you decide if GAE is the right choice for you.

Final Thoughts

Don’t let knee pain hold you back. GAE treatment offers a new, simple way to find real relief and it’s available right here in St. Petersburg, FL at Pinellas Vascular. Take the first step today and discover how this treatment can help you live pain-free again.

[partsofivset]

Perfus Macrogotero: What It Is, How It Works, and When to Use It in IV Therapy

Intravenous (IV) therapy is a cornerstone of modern medicine, used for everything from hydration to administering medications and nutrients directly into the bloodstream. Among the essential tools used in IV therapy is the "Perfus Macrogotero", a device designed to control and facilitate the administration of fluids at a specific rate. Though it may sound technical, understanding what a Perfus Macrogotero is and how it functions can be valuable for healthcare professionals and curious patients alike.

What Is a Perfus Macrogotero?

The term "Perfus Macrogotero" comes from Spanish medical terminology, with "perfus" short for perfusión (infusion), and "macrogotero" referring to a macro drip set. Essentially, a Perfus Macrogotero is a type of IV infusion set designed to deliver fluids using a macro-drip chamber, which allows larger drops of fluid to be delivered at a consistent rate.

In English-speaking healthcare systems, this would commonly be known as a macrodrip IV set. These devices typically administer 10 to 20 drops per milliliter (gtt/mL), compared to microdrip sets which deliver 60 gtt/mL. The macrodrip set is best suited for rapid fluid replacement and high-volume infusions.

How Does It Work?

A Perfus Macrogotero consists of several components:

Drip Chamber – This transparent chamber allows medical professionals to visually monitor the flow rate by counting the drops.

Tubing – Connects the fluid bag to the IV catheter inserted in the patient’s vein.

Roller Clamp – Allows manual adjustment of flow rate by narrowing or widening the tubing.

Spike – Connects the IV tubing to the fluid bag.

Injection Port(s) – Used to add medications or connect additional equipment.

The flow rate in a macrodrip system is manually controlled using the roller clamp or, in more precise settings, with the help of an infusion pump. The size of the drops and the number of drops per minute can be calculated based on the desired volume to be infused over time.

For example, if the drip factor is 15 gtt/mL and a patient needs 1000 mL over 2 hours, the flow rate would be calculated as:

(1000 mL × 15 gtt/mL) ÷ (120 minutes) = 125 drops per minute

This makes the macrogotero ideal in situations where fast, accurate delivery of fluids is critical.

When to Use a Perfus Macrogotero

The Perfus Macrogotero is commonly used in various clinical situations, including:

1. Emergency Situations

When rapid fluid resuscitation is needed, such as in trauma cases, severe dehydration, or hemorrhagic shock, macrodrip sets deliver fluids quickly and efficiently.

2. Surgical Procedures

During operations, patients often require steady and high-volume fluid administration. Perfus Macrogoteros are standard in operating rooms due to their reliability and easy monitoring.

3. Postoperative Recovery

After surgery, patients may need fluids and medications administered over a short period. The macrodrip system is suitable for these needs when precise high-volume control is required.

4. Pediatric and Geriatric Exceptions

While the macrogotero is generally not used in small children or fragile elderly patients due to the risk of fluid overload, there are exceptions where rapid intervention is critical, and it can be adjusted accordingly.

5. Blood Transfusions

Some macrodrip IV sets are specifically designed for blood products, ensuring smooth flow without damaging red blood cells.

Conclusion

The Perfus Macrogotero is a vital tool in IV therapy, providing an efficient means of delivering large volumes of fluids quickly and safely. Its design supports visual monitoring, manual control, and reliable administration, making it indispensable in many clinical scenarios. Understanding how it works and when to use it ensures better outcomes and safer patient care. Whether in emergency medicine, surgery, or general inpatient care, this simple but effective device plays a crucial role in supporting life-saving interventions.

[alexiluca]

Understanding TAVI/TAVR: A Revolutionary Approach to Heart Valve Treatment

Introduction

Heart disease remains one of the leading causes of death worldwide, but advancements in medical technology have provided patients with new hope. sri krishnasai clinic ,Among the most promising innovations is TAVI (Transcatheter Aortic Valve Implantation), also known as TAVR (Transcatheter Aortic Valve Replacement). This minimally invasive procedure is changing the way we treat aortic valve stenosis and offering patients faster recovery times and improved outcomes.

What is TAVI/TAVR?

TAVI, or TAVR, is a cutting-edge procedure designed to replace a faulty or narrowed aortic valve in patients suffering from aortic stenosis, a condition that restricts blood flow through the heart. Unlike traditional open-heart surgery, which requires a large incision and lengthy recovery time, TAVI is performed through a catheter inserted into a blood vessel, making it less invasive and reducing recovery time.

How Does TAVI/TAVR Work?

The TAVI procedure involves the insertion of a new valve, usually made of biological tissue, through a catheter. The catheter can be inserted through the groin or, in some cases, through a small incision in the chest. Once the new valve is in place, the catheter is removed, and the patient experiences an immediate improvement in blood flow.

Why is TAVI/TAVR a Game-Changer in Cardiology?

Minimally Invasive: TAVI doesn’t require open-heart surgery. The procedure is performed through a catheter, meaning no large incisions are needed. This reduces the risk of infection and speeds up recovery.

Faster Recovery: Traditional heart valve surgeries require long recovery times, but with TAVI, patients often go home within a few days and resume normal activities within weeks.

Ideal for High-Risk Patients: TAVI is especially beneficial for older patients or those who are not candidates for traditional heart surgery due to other health issues. It offers a safer and more effective treatment option for these individuals.

Improved Quality of Life: Most patients experience significant relief from symptoms like shortness of breath, fatigue, and chest pain, allowing them to live more comfortably and with fewer limitations.

The Benefits of TAVI Over Traditional Surgery:

Reduced Risk of Complications: As a less invasive procedure, TAVI carries a lower risk of complications like infections or excessive bleeding.

Quick Recovery Time: Most patients are discharged from the hospital within 2-3 days compared to the 7-10 days required for open-heart surgery.

Better Outcomes for Elderly Patients: Studies show that elderly patients who undergo TAVI experience better outcomes, with less risk compared to traditional surgery.

Who is a Candidate for TAVI/TAVR? TAVI is typically recommended for patients with severe aortic stenosis who are at high risk for open-heart surgery. If you’re experiencing symptoms like shortness of breath, fatigue, dizziness, or chest pain, it’s important to consult with a cardiologist to see if you might benefit from this procedure.

Conclusion: TAVI/TAVR is truly a groundbreaking development in the world of heart medicine, offering patients a chance at a longer, healthier life without the need for major surgery. If you or a loved one are facing heart valve issues, consult with a cardiologist to discuss whether TAVI is the right option.

Call to Action: If you’d like to learn more about the benefits of TAVI and how it can improve your heart health, sri krishnasai clinic contact us schedule a consultation with our expert cardiologist.

[blogeternal]

Anaesthesia Types - A Comprehensive Guide

Anaesthesia is a medical technique used to prevent pain during surgical and medical procedures. It allows patients to undergo treatments safely and comfortably. Anaesthesia works by blocking nerve signals that transmit pain to the brain, inducing temporary unconsciousness, numbness, or sedation. There are different types of anaesthesia, each suited for specific medical conditions and procedures. The four main types of anaesthesia are general anaesthesia, regional anaesthesia, local anaesthesia, and sedation.

1. General Anaesthesia

General anaesthesia is used for major surgeries that require the patient to be completely unconscious and unresponsive. It is administered through intravenous (IV) medications or inhaled gases. Once the anaesthetic takes effect, the patient loses consciousness, and their vital functions, such as breathing and heart rate, are carefully monitored by an anaesthesiologist.

Uses of General Anaesthesia

Major surgeries such as heart, brain, and abdominal operations

Orthopaedic procedures like hip or knee replacements

Complex reconstructive surgeries

Side Effects and Risks

While general anaesthesia is safe, some patients may experience side effects such as nausea, vomiting, sore throat (from the breathing tube), and temporary confusion. In rare cases, complications like allergic reactions, heart issues, or post-operative delirium may occur.

2. Regional Anaesthesia

Regional anaesthesia numbs a large area of the body while allowing the patient to remain awake or sedated. It is administered via injection near a cluster of nerves. This type of anaesthesia is beneficial for surgeries involving the limbs, lower abdomen, or childbirth.

Types of Regional Anaesthesia

Spinal Anaesthesia – Injected into the cerebrospinal fluid in the lower back, commonly used for C-sections and lower limb surgeries.

Epidural Anaesthesia – Delivered through a catheter placed in the epidural space of the spine, frequently used for pain relief during labor.

Peripheral Nerve Blocks – Targets specific nerves to numb a particular limb or body part, often used for orthopaedic surgeries.

Side Effects and Risks

Potential side effects include low blood pressure, headaches, nerve damage (rare), and temporary difficulty moving the affected limb.

3. Local Anaesthesia

Local anaesthesia is used to numb a small, specific area of the body for minor procedures. It is typically administered as an injection, spray, or cream. Unlike general and regional anaesthesia, local anaesthesia does not affect consciousness.

Uses of Local Anaesthesia

Dental procedures like tooth extractions and fillings

Minor skin surgeries such as mole removal and sutures

Eye surgeries like cataract removal

Side Effects and Risks

Local anaesthesia is generally safe, but some patients may experience temporary numbness, mild swelling, or an allergic reaction. Overdosing on local anaesthetic can lead to toxicity, causing dizziness, seizures, or irregular heart rhythms.

4. Sedation (Monitored Anaesthesia Care)

Sedation, also called conscious sedation or twilight anaesthesia, helps relax patients during procedures while keeping them semi-conscious. It is often used in combination with local or regional anaesthesia. Sedation is classified into three levels:

Minimal Sedation – The patient remains awake but relaxed.

Moderate Sedation – The patient may feel drowsy and have little memory of the procedure.

Deep Sedation – The patient is on the verge of unconsciousness but can still respond to stimuli.

Uses of Sedation

Endoscopic procedures like colonoscopies

Minor surgeries requiring relaxation but not full unconsciousness

Dental procedures for anxious patients

Side Effects and Risks

Common side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, and temporary memory loss. In rare cases, respiratory depression may occur, requiring medical intervention.

Conclusion

Anaesthesia plays a crucial role in modern medicine by enabling pain-free surgical and medical procedures. The choice of anaesthesia depends on factors such as the type of surgery, patient health, and pain management needs. Anaesthesiologists carefully evaluate and monitor patients to ensure safe and effective anaesthesia administration. Understanding the different types of anaesthesia helps patients make informed decisions about their medical care.

[drlaxmikant]

Advancements in Orthopedic Surgery: Minimally Invasive Techniques

Orthopedic surgery has witnessed remarkable advancements in recent years, particularly in the realm of minimally invasive techniques. These groundbreaking developments are transforming the way orthopedic conditions are treated, providing patients with faster recoveries, reduced pain, and improved outcomes. In this comprehensive article, we will explore the exciting world of minimally invasive orthopedic surgery, delving into its techniques, benefits, and the conditions it can address.

Understanding Minimally Invasive Orthopedic Surgery

Minimally invasive orthopedic surgery represents a significant departure from traditional open surgery. It involves the use of advanced technology and specialized instruments to perform surgical procedures through small incisions, often guided by imaging techniques like fluoroscopy or endoscopy. This approach minimizes trauma to surrounding tissues and allows for quicker healing.

The Key Techniques

Arthroscopy

One of the cornerstones of minimally invasive orthopedic surgery is arthroscopy. This technique involves inserting a tiny camera (arthroscope) and miniature surgical instruments through small incisions. Surgeons can visualize and treat joint conditions with unparalleled precision. Common procedures include repairing torn ligaments, removing damaged cartilage, and addressing joint inflammation.

Robotic-Assisted Surgery

Robotic-assisted surgery has revolutionized orthopedics. It combines the expertise of surgeons with the precision of robotic systems. Surgeons control robotic arms to perform intricate procedures with enhanced accuracy. This technology is frequently used in knee and hip replacements, ensuring optimal implant positioning.

Percutaneous Surgery

Percutaneous surgery involves the use of needles or catheters to access and treat orthopedic conditions. It is often used for spinal procedures, such as vertebroplasty and kyphoplasty, where bone cement is injected to stabilize fractured vertebrae. This technique minimizes the need for large incisions, reducing the risk of infection and scarring.

The Benefits of Minimally Invasive Surgery

Reduced Pain and Scarring

Compared to traditional open surgery, minimally invasive techniques result in smaller incisions, leading to reduced pain and scarring. Patients experience less postoperative discomfort and recover more quickly.

Quicker Recovery

The minimally invasive approach typically allows patients to return to their daily activities sooner. This is especially advantageous for individuals with busy lives who want to resume their normal routines as swiftly as possible.

Lower Infection Risk

Smaller incisions mean a lower risk of infection. Patients undergoing minimally invasive orthopedic surgery are less susceptible to postoperative complications, contributing to improved overall outcomes.

Enhanced Precision

Surgeons benefit from enhanced visualization and precision when using minimally invasive techniques. This results in more accurate procedures, ultimately leading to better long-term results for patients.

Conditions Treated with Minimally Invasive Techniques

Minimally invasive orthopedic surgery can address a wide range of conditions, including but not limited to:

1. Knee Conditions

Minimally invasive surgery is highly effective for treating knee conditions such as torn meniscus, ligament injuries, and arthritis. Procedures like arthroscopy are commonly used to diagnose and treat these issues.

2. Hip Disorders

Patients suffering from hip problems, including osteoarthritis and hip impingement, can benefit from minimally invasive hip arthroscopy or robotic-assisted hip replacement surgery.

3. Spinal Issues

Individuals with spinal conditions like herniated discs, spinal stenosis, and vertebral fractures can find relief through minimally invasive spinal surgery. These procedures minimize damage to surrounding tissues and often require smaller incisions.

4. Shoulder Injuries

Rotator cuff tears and other shoulder injuries can be repaired with arthroscopic techniques, allowing patients to regain strength and mobility in their shoulders.

5. Foot and Ankle Problems

Minimally invasive surgery is also applicable to conditions affecting the feet and ankles, such as bunions, plantar fasciitis, and Achilles tendonitis. These procedures reduce pain and recovery time.

Conclusion

The field of orthopedic surgery has been significantly transformed by the advent of minimally invasive techniques. Patients now have access to procedures that are less painful, result in quicker recoveries, and offer improved long-term outcomes. As technology continues to advance, we can expect even more innovative approaches to orthopedic surgery, further enhancing the quality of care for individuals suffering from orthopedic conditions. If you're considering orthopedic treatment, it's essential to consult with a qualified orthopedic surgeon to determine the best approach for your specific condition. Minimally invasive techniques have opened up new possibilities for orthopedic care, and they continue to pave the way for a brighter, less painful future in orthopedic surgery.

We at OrthoCare Hospital are dedicated to providing comprehensive care for all Orthopedic needs by experience orthopedic doctor in Aurangabad is Dr. Laxmikant Dagdiya Spine, and Joint related. Dr. Laxmikant Dagdia is internationally trained in Minimally Invasive Spine Surgery and he is one of the pioneers in Aurangabad to start Endoscopic (keyhole) spine surgery. He has  performed more than 1500 spine surgeries till date.

[alyssa-grimes-bitch]

It's time

Part 1 Part 2

Part 3 is up and I am loving this 😭 like I said Carl x reader won't happen for a HOT minute. It'll get there though I promise

Parings: Carl grimes x reader

Warnings: cussing pg-13

When I woke up I was groggy and it was dark outside. I sat up and immediately looked at my bite. It had just started scabbing around the sides. I replaced the bandage and made my way out my room and down the stairs. I didn’t go into the living room or anywhere else I just sat on the porch outside. I wanted some peace and to pretend there wasn’t a whole apocalypse going on and my only friend had been shot. It wasn’t easy but it was the best I got. After some calming sleep I didn’t feel so scared anymore. That was until Maggie came bursting through the door. 

“Dad needs you,” She said. “We’re doing the surgery.” 

“But we don’t have the equipment,” I called following her into the room. 

“Carl’s out of time,” She replied as I followed her into the room. 

Rick and Lori were in the corner holding each other. 

“I can make an incubation tube,” I shouted.”We would just need someone to manually do it.” 

“I can do it,” Rick shouted. And came over.“What do you need?” 

“I need a red rubber catheter and a balloon,” I said as I opened Carl’s mouth and checked it with a flashlight. 

“I got it,” Maggie shouted before running out of the room. “They're back!” 

I heard the scream from the front of the house. Someone had to stay with Carl and make sure he’s stable. 

“Dad, go,” I said, hooking the iv upon a makeshift stand and checking his blood pressure. 

My dad ran out and wasn’t gone for more than a few moments before he returned with the bag I assumed with medical supplies. He threw the bag down and started pulling things out. 

“This isn’t very sterile,” I said. 

“No but it’s the best we got. We can treat infection,” He paused, handing me a scrub top and some gloves. “These bullets need to come out now.” 

“You’re right,” I took a deep breath. “Okay let's get him under.” 

Maggie administered the sedative and then the anesthetic in an I.V. 

“Intubate now,” My dad said and I opened Carl’s mouth and slid the tube. Down his throat but was careful I made it into the lungs instead of the stomach. Once confident Patrica took over giving Carl his lungs. 

“(Y/N/N), I need you here to help me,” Dad responded and I bolted to his side. 

Dad carefully removed every single piece of shrapnel from his side, as I soaked up the blood, there was a lot of blood. I turned a look to Maggie who was keeping an eye on his blood pressure. 

“He’s still stable,” She said as my dad dropped a large piece of shrapnel in the metal blow. 

“(Y/N), I need you to stitch this vein,” My dad spoke and I freaked out. 

“Why me?” I shouted. “I didn’t finish.” 

“I know, but my hands are too big,” He responded. “I can talk you through it but I need you to do it.”

I took a deep breath and nodded, putting the bowl down. And pulling the dissolvable sutures out and carefully stitching the small vein in his abdomen before sewing him back up. 

“Maggie?” I asked, looking at her hopeful. 

We waited for an eternity as she counted his respirations, checked his blood pressure, and his pulse. She ended with his blood pressure and my breath hitched in my chest. 

“He’s stable,” She finally said and I hugged my dad. 

“He’s not out of the woods yet but he’s got a fighting chance now,” My dad said towards the room. “I will go tell Rick and his wife.” 

I filed out with Maggie and Patricia. We decided to leave Rick and Lori to be with their child alone.  I decided to sit next to Beth on the couch and she was just looking out through the window at the night sky. 

“Where’s Otis?” I asked and it made Beth burst into tears. 

“He’s not comin’ back,” She said making me start crying. 

He was very close to my family and he had previously lived with us for years. We weren’t close in a friend sense, he was family though and that is what mattered. Losing him was very hard on me and it was even harder on Patricia as I could hear her crying right next to us. 

“I'm gonna miss him,” Beth said softly as her tears dried. 

"I know Bethy. Me too," I said and brought her into a hug.

Though I hadn’t slept well in weeks I felt wide awake after barely waking up. It was good that Carl was alive and my family was alive. Maybe we could travel together. With my dad and Rick together we would be a good duo and it would make our group large enough to fight back against people, because let's be honest. People are the worst type of monster. Worse than any walker or animal you could ever imagine. 

I laid my hand on Beth’s lap and she leaned in and placed her head on my shoulder. She was my best friend and my twin sister. She was the good half of us. She was bubbly and happy whereas I wasn’t as bubbly. She wasn’t there in the beginning when it was going to shit. She was here safe with my dad and my sister. 

I didn’t know how long we stayed like that but after what I felt was a few minutes. I opened my eyes and it was morning and Beth was laying against me, asleep. Maggie walked in front of me and smiled. 

“Daddy needs you to stay and monitor Carl for a while while we chat with Rick’s group. Is that alright?” She said and I popped up from my seat with Beth. 

“Mags, do you think Dad will let them stay?” I asked as we walked back towards Carl. 

“I don’t know,” She sighed and walked out the door and I split to be in Carl's room.

Lori was sitting up against the headboard with her hand on Carl. She smiled at me and I smiled before grabbing the blood pressure cuff and the stethoscope. Everything was good so I took the seat next to his bed.

“Is this where you grew up?” She asked me and I nodded. “Rick said it was you that led him in here.” 

I nodded again but avoided conversation. I was good when someone was bleeding out and dying but I wasn’t good at awkward after conversations with the patient's parents. 

“Is this your family?” She asked as I sat there rubbing my hands together.

“Y-yeah. Beth the younger blonde is my twin sister,” I nodded and kept my eyes on the bed counting his breaths, just making sure that he was going to survive this. 

“Twins?” She said smiling. “I always hoped Carl was a twin.” 

“We have a very special bond,” I smiled and traced circles around the sheets. 

"How did you get split from your family?" She asked and I tensed up. I wasn't very good at lying. 

"I was one of the medical students that were pulled out of school to help the hospitals. I was sent to Atlanta when it fell," I replied, smiling awkwardly at her. 

"Medical student?" She questioned. 

"I completed high school when I was 13," I paused. " I was in my second year when this went down." 

"Wow, your parents must've been proud," she smiled. 

"They were," I laughed and tears pinged my eyes. " I was the child prodigy. I was planning on buying my own practice here when I finished. Staying close to my family. Maybe even stay on the farm." 

Lori smiled at me while tears fell from my eyes. 

"My mom wanted to throw this huge party," I said, wiping my eyes. "I haven't seen them around and I'm too scared to ask what happened."

"You said them?" Lori said as she grabbed Carl's hand. 

" My brother," I replied, smiling. "He just turned 18." 

Lori opened her mouth to reply when Beth came into the room, "Daddy sent me to come watch him." 

"Okay," I said softly and got up. "Thank you for the talk." 

"You can always talk to me if you need to," Lori smiled and waved to me as I walked out of the room. 

I took a seat on the front porch and looked out at the land. Rick's group was hanging out across the house. I curled my legs into my chest and held my hands together against my forehead when Maggie came running up. 

"We're having a funeral for Otis down by the other end," she said, laying her hand on my shoulder. " I'm grabbin' Beth now." 

"Okay," I smiled at her. "I'll go down." 

"Are you gonna tell 'em about your arm?" She asked as she opened the door. 

I paused and looked at her, "Just Rick. He's all that needs to know." 

"Okay," she said. "After the funeral then." 

I nodded at her and got up. I went exactly to where Maggie told me and waited. Everyone was there except Maggie and Beth. But they joined us soon after. I grabbed a spot next to Patricia and held her hand. She squeezed me and my dad started reading and occasionally stopping to talk about Otis. Beth grabbed my hand as she sobbed and I pulled her against me and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. She sobbed into my chest as I squeezed her against me. 

Everyone placed a rock on a pile that was supposed to be his makeshift grave. Then it was Beth and my turn. We went up together holding hands and placed the rocks down. I was crying too but Beth was a mess. 

"It's okay," I whispered and gripped her shoulders. "We're laying him to rest." 

When we got back to where we were standing Maggie grabbed Beth and held her. While I held her hand and Patrica's hand. 

"Shane," my dad said softly. "Will you speak for Otis?" 

Shane looked up at my dad and shook his head. Maggie grabbed Patricia's shoulders to steady her. 

"I'm not good at it," was Shane's response and Patrica sobbed slightly. "I'm sorry."

"You were the last one with him, will you share his final moments?" She sobbed and everyone paused. " Please, I need to hear. I need to know his death had meaning."

" Okay," shane responded and paused for a second. "We were about done. Almost out of ammo we were down to pistols by the end. I was limping. It was bad. Ankle all swollen up."

We all paused just staring at Shane as he spoke. 

"We gotta save the boy, that's what he said," Shane said pausing. " Run he said. I'll hold em off. I'll take the rear I'll cover you. And when I looked back." 

Shane stopped and we all know what that meant. He started walking towards the rocks and spoke. 

"If it wasn't for Otis," he paused and grabbed a rock. " I'd never made it out alive. That goes for Carl too. He saved us both." 

He stopped and looked at partica before continuing, "The only death that ever had meaning was his." 

Shane walked off and Patrica sobbed as Maggie held her. Beth was sobbing too so I pulled her into a tight hug. we stood there until it was just all 4 of us crying. 

"I'm going to go check on Carl," Dad said before looking at us. "I need someone to watch him the rest of the day." 

"I'll do it," Maggie said. "I'll get Patricia laid down and I'll watch him." 

"No, I'm going to need you to help me talk to Rick's group," Dad responded. 

"Why not me dad? I'm the one who's been with them," I said and my dad turned his back on me. 

"You're watching the kid," he snapped and I opened my mouth to complain when he loudly shouted. "End of discussion."

He walked off leaving us stunned. 

"He never gets like that with you," Beth said and I shook my head. 

"I'll tell Rick you want to talk to him," Maggie responded and winked at me as she passed. 

" Are you gonna tell him?" Beth asked as we walked our way back to the house. 

" Yeah," I responded. " He should know." 

"I agree," she replied

We walked the rest of the way in complete silence. When we made it to the house we split. I checked Carl's vitals and he was fine. I just waited. I sat by his side for what felt like hours. Playing with the sheet or counting his breaths.

"Keeping an eye on Carl?" Rick asked, making me jump. "sorry I didn't mean to scare you." 

"It's alright," I responded while Rick took the seat next to me. "Did Maggie tell you?" 

"Yes," Rick said. "what do you need to talk about?" 

"Do you remember when you found me in Atlanta and you brought me back to your camp I told you I was brought out of medical school to help?" I said, rubbing my hands together nervously. 

[fluffysheeple]

it's been three weeks since my bottom surgery, and I'm going to use this post to collect my thoughts on it. and sort of as a diary about it. maybe it'll help you if you're on the fence about getting bottom surgery, but keep in mind that I've so far experienced a lot of the inconvenience and not all that much of the benefits of my new hole. on that note, the rest of this post will be below a read more because it might get long and will definitely be TMI

First off, let me say that if the surgery hadn't been free/only cost me the €200 of my yearly copay that I wouldn't have used, I might not have gone for it. I was like 75% ok with having a penis, but I'm 100% ok with having a vagina instead, so there's my rationale. Prep wise, I had to get my crotch blasted with lasers to get rid of hair that would otherwise have ended up inside my new vagina. This was unpleasant for a multitude of reasons, including the intense pain and the dread of having someone who isn't quite as composed as a medical professional look at your genitals. I also went there to have them blast my face, though (much less painful and I went from pathetic facial hair to almost none, which is nice) so I figured I might as well. Again, this decision was heavily influenced by the fact that it was essentially free due to insurance.

I arrived at the hospital at 20:00 the day before the surgery. They gave me laxatives (which sucked) and sent me to bed. The morning of, they woke me at 6:30 and had me take a shower, then wheeled me to the operation room. Going into the surgery I wasn't very nervous because it was out of my hands entirely, but that might just be a fucked up feature of my psyche specifically. They put the breathing thing on me and I passed out instantly, then woke up in the recovery area to a doctor handing me a popsicle and saying it went well and I'd only lost 190ml of blood (how did they measure that?). Immediately after finishing the popsicle, I threw it up again. It just tasted like popsicle because I hadn't eaten for like 36 hours at that point, but it still took me by surprise! Later, I ate about 6% of a pear and threw that up too - consequence of being anaesthesized, not of this surgery specifically. I started off unable to keep much water down, but with an IV full of 0.9% NaCl solution (the bread and butter of IVs) and a brightly glowing blue button which allowed me to give myself synthetic quasi-morphine basically at will. It also beeped in a really satisfying way, but that might be the Pavlovian conditioning speaking. Overall, the pain was manageable with all the stuff (per day: 6 paracetamol, 3 diclophenac - ibuprofen's big sister, essentially) they gave me, even after they took the IV out on day 2.

The first two days after the surgery, the whole area was covered in tight bandages essentially glued on to contain the swelling and keep everything in place. I also had a catheter in basically until I left the hospital (which sucked), but on day three when the bandages went off they at least removed the bag and replaced it with a flip-flow system. This is a small tube with a switch you can 'flip' to let pee 'flow' out. Unexpectely, it kinda hurts to let your bladder empty out completely this way, maybe because it suddenly lets in air? Anyway, you feel like less of a vegetative body and more of a person when you can pee autonomously, or at least I did. It was kinda funny to pee standing up through a tube for three days almost immediately after getting my penis inverted; a trace of the true self yet exists in the false self etc. etc.

Anyway, when the bandages came off it looked pretty bad: swollen in an asymmetric way (my right labia majora still protrudes a little more than the left; hope that fixes itself as the stitches dissolve and stuff). More worrying than the state of the vagina itself, the adhesive bandages had caused several large blisters to form on my pubic mound; I don't think I've ever experienced anything as itchy... This was a consequence of sweat mixing with glue in a slightly imperfectly applied part of the bandage - again not really specific to bottom surgery. The blisters went away on their own about a week later, but the skin there is still a little red. The vagina itself has all the most important bits of a naturally-grown one and looks pretty good. At least that's what Sammie, who has seen at least one other vagina up close before, tells me.

As a quick side note before I continue describing the quasi body horror I experienced, the food in the hospital was unexpectedly great. 7:30 - breakfast. Choose anything you like as long as it's cereal or a sandwich; the least interesting meal, but still not bad. 10:30 - thick protein shake, available in a dozen delicious fruit flavors. 13:00 - lunch. Thoups, thandwiches. The best pasta thalad I've ever had in my life. 15:30 - snack. Anything ranging from meatballs with an amazing mustardy sauce to cake that somehow feels texturally improved for being protein-enriched. 18:00 - dinner. Served in an adorable little crockpot. My favorite was the saté chicken over rice, which came with prawn crackers on the side. 21:00 - the nurse asks if you'd like some fruit or a popsicle or something before you go to sleep. One time, it was one of the best, sweetest, most juicy yet firm yet yielding pears I've eaten in my life. Aside from the schedule which the nurses and catering are on, there wasn't really any enforced schedule - if I'd wanted to get out of bed at 2 am and get myself something from the waiting room coffee machine, that was fine. You get to sleep all day if you want, so who cares?

Continuing on with the bad: on day 1 of my stay, my heart rate was like 60 bpm and my blood pressure was like 90 over 60 (consequence of the anasthesia). I was pale as shit, the nurses told me the day after. On day 2 of my stay in the hospital, Sammie came to visit and I really felt like I'd made it through (power of love <3), not in the least because she said I looked fine and not like a barely-heartbeat-having corpse. We were also in a discord call pretty much constantly throughout my stay, which was a little nostalgic... I managed to stand and walk a little on day 2 (holding the catheter bag. which sucked). On day 3, they gave me a comfy chair to incentivize me to get out of bed occassionally. I sat there reading and looking out the window, which is what I imagine I'll be doing if I make it to retirement age as well. On day 4, my parents came to visit. I fell asleep just before they arrived. You sleep a lot immediately after a surgery! Anyway, they each sat on one side of the bed and held my hands, which will always be one of my fondest memories going forward I think. On day 5, they took out the catheter (finally) and the huge tampon which had been holding my vagina open until then; they then showed me the specifics of dialating (medical euphemism for ''sticking a plastic cylinder in there'').

Speaking of dialating: I have to do that twice a day, but it's less of a big deal than I thought it would be, since I can just be on that phone or watch a video or something. Overall, it feels like a normal, medical thing to do, except if you piston the aforementioned cylinder a bit too quickly. Doing that - in combination with the frequent pins-and-needles feeling of my confused genital nerves reconnecting 15 centimeters away from where they originally were - did make me confident that I'd made the right decision in getting this surgery, sore as I still am right now. In the same vein though, the awkward part of having open wounds and stitches in your genitals is that it hurts a little bit when you see a breasts image. Except when dialating, when the clenching and swelling and whatever else goes on in there is mostly absorbed by the plastic cylinder (regular euphemism for ''medically prescribed dildo'').

Now - almost a month later - the hospital stay feels like a weird dream in which a few moderately bad things happened to me but I also got to eat a lot of delicious food. Kind of like being abducted by aliens! Anyway, peeing still feels a little weird (different use of existing muscles, shorter urethra with some swelling in adjacent tissue, etc.) and a little awkward on account of how it flows down like a gross waterfall which takes at least 4 squares of toilet paper to clean up after. Is that normal, or am I just not sitting in the right stance? Bepussied (<- real word) followers, let me know. That aside, I can walk and sit down and use the vaccuum and feed Novie just fine again, but picking stuff up from the ground is still a little bit of an ordeal every time. They took a few gratuitous stitches out two weeks later, and it's been getting easier and less painful almost continuously.

So, in conclusion, I'm glad I went/am still going through all this, though I'm probably not that much less content with my body in the timeline where I didn't. We'll see how I feel when I can look at breasts images to my heart's content without repercussions, but I'm already pretty happy just with how flat it is down there!

[elementalwriter67]

The Void Chapter Twelve

Word Count: 4079

Pairing: (Eventual) Jason Todd x Reader

Tag List: @wittedhat, @clea-nightingale, @undertheredhood, @reclusive-chicken-nugget, @grey-water-colors, @jasonlovertodd, @ximaginx, @lexythedepressy, @e-bendy

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7a, 7b, 8, 9, 10, 11

Summary:  The Void is a hellish place filled with screams that echoed throughout the place at all the hours of the night, and where pain is a very close friend. You’ve spent your entire life in the Void, having been there since you were ten and you’ve just recently gotten a new cellmate… Who’s a little more hopeful than you are that either of you are going to make it out of this place alive. Though you have to admit that maybe his hope is rubbing off on you because you slowly find yourself hoping that the two of you do get out of here.

“Maria! Samantha! Oh it’s been too long since I’ve seen the two of you! How have you two been?” Selina exclaimed as she stood up from her seat in the outdoor cafe a large smile on her face as she made her way over to Barbara and Kate as they walked up to her. 

“I’ve been good, how’s the family? How’s dad?” Barbara asked as she hugged Selina. As the two of them hugged, Selina scanned the crowd behind the both of them before letting go of her and moving towards Kate and pulling her into a hug as well. When Selina was certain that there was nothing behind the two of them she pulled away from Kate and held on to her shoulders smiling widely at her. Nodding her head just slightly Selina let go of Kate and moved back to her seat. 

“Oh the family’s doing well, we had a little scare with grandpa last week while he was at the grocery store but that turned out to be a false alarm but it put your father more on edge than he already has been with your grandfather’s health but what can you do?” Selina said with a shrug of her shoulders as she sat back down in her chair crossing one leg over the other as she picked up her cup of coffee from the table. 

“Have you-” Kate cut herself off as she looked towards the waitress who was walking towards them with a smile on her face. 

“Hi, I’m Cathy. I'll be your server for the evening. Is there anything I can get the two of you?” Cathy asked as Barbara and Kate sat down. Kate and Barbara shared a look before Barbara grabbed the menu and quickly scanned it as Kate looked back at Cathy. 

“I’ll take a black coffee, with no sugar please.” Kate said and Cathy nodded as she jotted down her order before looking up at Barbara. 

“Aaaaannnnndddd I’ll have a chamomile tea with a chocolate scone please.” Barbara told her as she returned the menu to its spot in the middle of the table, flashing Cathy a quick smile. 

“Alright, I’ll get that stuff right out for you.” Cathy stated as she tucked her order pad into her apron and walked away. Kate waited until she was sure that Cathy was out of ear shot before focusing on Selina again.

“Have you guys heard anything from J since he went on that road trip of his?” Kate asked and Selina shook her head a worried expression flashing across her face before it was replaced with an easy relaxed look. 

“No we haven’t heard anything from him since his last phone call home over two weeks ago. You’re brothers and father are worried but I’m sure he’s doing fine. He's just too busy having fun to worry about contacting us.” Selina told them and the two of them nodded worried looks crossing their faces for a second before they forced smiles on to their faces. Barbara opened her mouth to ask Selina another question but before she could she caught Cathy walking out from the Cafe and over to them. 

“Here you go one chamomile tea with a chocolate scone and a black coffee.” Cathy said as she set down Barbara and Kate’s orders in front of them sending them a small smile. 

“Is there anything else I can get the two of you?” She asked as she looked between Barbara and Kate who both shook their heads. 

“No thanks we’re all set.” Barbara said and Cathy nodded before turning and walking away from the table. 

“So how’s the business going? Have Dad and Tim made any headway on their new project?” Barbara asked and Selina nodded her head around a sip of her coffee. 

“Surprisingly they’ve made quite a bit of headway. As the two of you know Tim was able to find a location for that new building of theirs but he’s also managed to draw up the blueprints of it as well. They’ve even got Roy in to help them on their project and he’s done some research on the area and apparently it used to belong to the government. So how have your new jobs been going?” Selina asked as she set her cup of coffee down on the table and leaned back in her chair watching the two of them. 

“The new job in the morgue has been going well. It's a lot calmer than the GCPD morgue which is honestly nice but if anything it’s weirder than the GCPD morgue.” Barbara told her at which Selina raised her eyebrow at her.

“What do you mean?” 

“Well for starters for a hospital we get more Jane and John Does than I ever got at the morgue and when I asked my boss about it he said that it was a normal occurrence because they have a lot of homeless people who get brought in an alot of the time they don’t give us their names. Then there are the bodies that don’t match up with their actual medical records and every time I ask about it my boss tells me not to worry about it because that’s an upstairs thing.” Barbara explained and Kate nodded her head as she looked over at her. 

“Yeah the same shit happens upstairs with the emergency room people get brought in their records don’t match anything about them and the other nurses disappear for large periods of time randomly throughout the day and if I ask where they went I’m told they go on lunch or they had to go home, and then minutes later there they are working again when they should have gone home. It’s just all so weird and if the pay wasn’t so good I don’t think I would even bother staying.” Kate explained before taking a large sip of her coffee with a disgruntled look on her face. Selina frowned as she looked between the two of them concerning marking the lines of her face as she did so. 

“The nurses there aren’t exactly the most friendly of people to the new guys, at least they're not to me anyways.” Kate added on when she set down her drink. Selina’s face turned sympathetic as she reached out a hand and gave Kate an affectionate squeeze as she did so. 

“I’m sorry Samantha but you know if you ever get tired of working in the emergency room there’s always room in your father’s company for you he could use someone like you when it comes to the advancement of modern medicine, he could use both of you.” Selina told them as she looked over at Barbara giving her a pointed look that she returned with a smile. Giving Kate’s hand one more affectionate squeeze she let go and sat back in her seat. 

Clenching her hand Kate smiled at Selina before she moved her hand off the table and set it in her lap, looking over at Babs out of the corner of her eyes and giving her a small nod. Focusing on Selina again as she sighed and stood up from the table. 

“As fun as this has been Emilia I’m afraid that I at the very least have to get going, my shift at the hospital starts in a couple of hours and I gotta go get ready.” Kate said as she grabbed her purse slinging it over her shoulder as she gave Barbara and Selina a sad look. 

“Alright well, have a good day at work, it was nice seeing you again.” Selina said as she stood up from the table and gave Kate another hug. 

“It was nice seeing you again too. Maria I’ll see you back at the apartment yeah?” Kate said as she pulled away from Selina and looked towards Barbara who nodded her head. 

“Have fun at work.” Barbara said, waving bye to Kate as she did and Kate flashed her a smile before turning and walking away from.

~Back at the Hospital~

Kate smiled as she walked into the hospital a few hours later her work bag slung over her shoulder and her strides purposeful as she walked through the doors of the emergency room. 

“Hey Samantha.” The nurse at the front desk said when she caught sight of Kate. 

“Hey Kim.” Kate offered back as she forced a small friendly smile on to her face and gave a small wave as acknowledgement before scanning her badge and walking through the doors and into the actual ER. 

Casting a quick glance around the locker room as she entered it Kate sighed in relief when she noticed that it was surprisingly empty. Shoving her things into the locker Kate slipped the device that Selina had given her into the pocket of her scrubs before closing her locker and throwing her hair up into a ponytail as she walked out of the locker room. Walking up to the main desk in the ER Kate shoved her hands into her pockets, her fingers brushing against the device as she leaned over the counter. 

“So, what’s on the menu for today Sarah?” Kate asked as her eyes skimmed over the contents on the front desk and then the people rushing around the ER. Besides her Sarah sighed as she rolled back in her seat towards the filing cabinet grabbing a file off the top she rolled back towards the desk and flipped it open. 

“Looks like today is shaping up to be one of the slower days in Gotham so there’s not much to do today other than the usual.” Sarah said as she started typing on the computer while glancing at the file every now and again. Sighing Kate pushed herself off the counter and pulled her hands from her pockets. 

“Alright, where am I starting first?” Kate asked and Sarah looked up at her for a brief second before rolling away from the desk again, grabbing a blue folder off of a pile she rolled back over to Kate handing it to her. 

“Carla Francheska came in this morning victim of a drive by in Crime Alley she’s in critical condition, Dr. Roberts wants you to check on her and make sure she’s still stable. Once that’s done you need to go change 209’s catheter and 210’s bedpan, after that the medical waste needs to be taken out, and the surgery rooms need restocking.” Sarah ordered as Kate took Carla’s file from her. Mentally Kate sighed as she looked over the file, getting the gist of Carla’s situation. 

“Alright, I’ll get started on that.” Kate said as she wandered away from the desk. She needed to do the things that Sarah had listed off first. Flipping the file closed Kate sighed as she closed her eyes for a few brief moments before opening them again and continuing towards Carla’s room. It was going to take longer to do her part of the mission than she originally thought.

Kate huffed out a relieved sigh as she fell back against the wall resisting the temptation to slowly slide down the wall, she had finally finished restocking the operation rooms and even helping out in a couple of the surgeries themselves when no one else could. Reaching up she wiped the sweat from her brow before letting her shoulders slump. It wasn’t until someone cleared their throat that Kate even bothered moving and even then it was only to look towards the person who had cleared their throat to see Dr. Jekyll standing a few feet away from her holding a couple of files in his hands. Pushing herself off the wall she straightened out her scrubs as she forced a smile on to her face. 

“Hello Dr. Jekyll I’m sorry I didn’t see you there.” Kate said and he nodded his head, offering her what he probably assumed was a small friendly smile but only served to look slightly pissed. 

“No need to worry my dear, I just wanted to congratulate you on your splendid performance in the operating room today. I've never seen a new nurse handle a situation like what we found ourselves in as well as you did.” He told her, his tone sounding genuinely sincere as he looked at her. Kate’s smile turned genuine for the first time since she had started her undercover work here, and she stood up a little straighter as she smiled at him. 

“Oh, thank you sir, you have no idea how much that means to me.” Kate said and Dr. Jekyll nodded his head. 

“Of course, now I need you to take these files to Dr. Roberts office for me please, I need him to sign off on these files and then I need a second opinion on the top file.” Dr. Jekyll said as he held out the files in his hand for her to take. Internally Kate smiled widely to herself as she took the files from Dr. Jekyll with a smile on her face. 

“Yeah, sure, no problem Dr. Jekyll I’ll get right on that.” She said and he nodded his head.

“Good, once you're done why don’t you go on lunch, you look like you’ve been going since you started.” He mentioned and she nodded her head, widening her eyes just a little to emphasize her point. 

“That’s because I have been a doctor, anyways I’ll get right on this for you.” Kate said and Dr. Jekyll nodded before walking away. She waited until he had rounded the corner before letting a large smile spread across her face and turning and walking in the opposite direction. She loved when things magically worked out for her especially when an excuse is handed directly to her. 

Walking over to Dr. Roberts office Kate hugged the files to her chest and weaved her way in and out of the people that she passed. She stopped in front of Dr. Roberts office hesitating for a few seconds before knocking on his door and pressing her ear against it listening. She knocked again when she didn’t hear anything the first time and when she still didn’t hear anything the second time she tested the handle to find that it wasn’t locked. Pushing the door open she stepped into the office and stood in the doorway for a few seconds, her eyes glancing around the room searching for a hidden camera. When she was satisfied that there weren’t any cameras in the office she walked in, softly kicking the door closed behind her before walking up to his desk. Setting the files down on Dr. Roberts desk Kate pulled the two listening devices out of her pocket and slowly looked around the room again looking for a good place to put the devices. After a few seconds of looking she made her way over to the book shelf that was pressed along the wall next to the desk popping up onto the tip of her toes she pressed one of the devices into the little out cropping where the walls of it met the top of the bookcase. Stepping back she peered up at the top of the book case making sure that it wasn’t noticeable without feeling around before walking back over to his desk. Grabbing one of the files off the desk she dropped it on the floor before crouching down and pressing the second device on to the wires running out of the computer.

“What the hell are you doing in here?” A voice sounded from behind her suddenly causing Kate to jump, bashing the back of her head into the underside of the desk in the process. 

“Fuck.” Kate cursed as she crawled out from underneath the desk, grabbing one of the papers that had fallen out of the file as she went. Sitting back on her knees she looked up at Marge who was standing over her with her arms crossed over her chest and a glare that would stop most people in their tracks. 

“Oh, hey Marge.” Kate gave her a small wave before turning back to grabbing the papers that had fallen out of the file, and shoving them back into the file. 

“I repeat what the hell are you doing in her Smith?” Marge bit out her stance widening and Kate swallowed, pretending to be nervous as she looked up at her again. She had always been told to avoid Marge as much as possible and to never piss her off, and well she was finally learning as to why she had to avoid the head nurse as much as possible. 

“Ah, Dr. Jekyll asked me to bring these files to Dr. Roberts because he needs a few of them signed off and a consultation on another one but he wasn’t here so I decided that I would just put them on his desk but one of them fell off and everything spilled out so I’m cleaning it up.” Kate said as she motioned to the files on the desk and then to the mess on the floor that was only half cleaned up. Marge was silent for a moment as she looked at Kate watching her for any sign of a lie when she didn’t find any she nodded her head once. 

“Right, well hurry up and pick all that stuff up, I need you back in the ER as quickly as possible.” She ordered and Kate nodded hurrying to shove the papers back in the folder all while Marge watched over her. Standing up she set the folder down on the desk again and rushed out of the room, and Marge just stood there watching as Kate hurried out of the room. Once Kate had left she cast a quick glance around the room before nodding once to herself when she didn’t see anything out of place and leaving Dr. Roberts office. 

~The Void~

Your lungs burned and your feet ached with the force that they were slapping against the ground as you pushed yourself to run faster, harder, anything to get away from the things chasing you. Whipping yourself around a corner you slammed into the wall, a grunt escaping you as you barely managed to catch yourself to stop yourself from falling, pushing yourself off the wall you took off running again. Glancing over your shoulder again you watched as the darkness advanced on you the sound of growling and screeching coming from the darkness as clawed hands reached out dragging the darkness forward after you. Looking back forward you raced around another corner stumbling slightly as you tripped over your own feet. Before you could really pick up the speed again you felt a hand wrap around your ankle, sharp claws digging into your skin there and the next thing that you knew you were on the ground again. 

“No! No! Let go of me! Let go!” You screeched as you kicked at the darkness with your other foot. Clawing at the ground you tried to drag yourself away from the darkness as it dragged you backwards the sounds of growling and screeching growing louder as the sound of tearing flesh reached your ears as well. 

“No! Let go! Let go!” You screamed as you felt more hands grab you pulling and tugging at you as you were flipped over onto your back the hands gripping at your clothes and shoulders as the darkness started to swallow up your legs. Shaking your head you twisted and turned, bucking and pulling against the hands dragging you forward. Just as the darkness had reached your knees the lights in the hallway suddenly brightened to the point of blinding but just as suddenly as it had come it was gone. 

Blinking several times you brought your hands up to shield your eyes from the blinding light. It took several minutes for the light to finally subside just enough to for you to see that you where standing in one of the torture rooms only you wheren’t on the rack this time.

“Wh… What’s going on?” You muttered as you lowered your hands, squinting into the lights as you tried to see who was strung up on the rack, fully expecting to see a reflection of yourself after all that was how this usually went. But nothing could have prepared you for what you saw. A sense of cold washed through you as your eyes widened, your whole body shook as you took a terrified step forward. 

“No. No, Jason, no.” You muttered as you took another step forward only to see the darkness from behind Jason's hands flying out of it wrapping around Jason’s beaten and battered body, pulling him closer despite the chains holding him up. 

“No! NO! JASON!” Your voice cracked as you raced forward straight into the darkness. When the darkness cleared you were no longer trying to save Jason from the darkness, you were now the one strung up on the rack. 

Your heart jumped into your throat as your hands wrapped around the chains and your breath came in short quick bursts, your knuckles turned white. No, no, no, this isn’t good, this isn’t good, you weren’t supposed to be here, you hadn’t done anything wrong, you weren’t supposed to be here, what had happened to you? What did you do? You could feel your heart beating against your rib cage as your whole body began to shake and your eyes frantically jumping around the room searching for anyone else. When the door opened your heart stopped when you saw who was walking through it. 

“Jason?” You asked as you watched him walk towards you, picking up a whip as he went. Your blood ran cold as he smiled maliciously at you, his hand stretching out the whip as his eyes traveled up and down the length of your body.

“Where to start, where to start.” Jason muttered but it wasn’t with his voice and through your confusion your brow furrowed just the tiniest bits. He sounded like Dr. Roberts and you weren’t sure what terrified you more the whip in his hands or his voice. 

“Oh I know, how about right here?” He asked as he reached out with the handle of the whip tracing a line from your shoulder down across your chest. Shaking your head you tried to push yourself back away from Jason as he raised the whip in the air. 

“No, no, no, Jason no, please, Jason don’t. Jason don’t! Jason DON’T PLEASE DON’T!” You begged him as he brought the whip down causing you to scream in pain as he brought the whip up again and then down again on your other shoulder creating an X across your chest. 

“No! NO! NO! Jason please! Please! Stop! PLEASE!” You screamed as he continued to whip you. 

~Jason’s P.O.V~

Jason jolted out of the light sleep that he had fallen into his hand tightening around yours as he sat up straight his eyes jumping around the room searching for a threat only to find nothing, not even a guard standing outside the door. Turning his attention back to you he watched in shock as you moved for the first time in literal days. He watched as you twitched and jerked slightly, your face contorting into one of confusion and then pain as a weak sounding whimper escaped your throat. Jason felt his heart break as he watched you and he climbed on to his knees reaching out he grabbed your shoulders, shaking you lightly. 

“(Y/N), (Y/N) wake up, come on wake up it’s just a dream, wake up.” Jason murmured as he shook you lightly trying to get you to wake up. When that didn’t work he stared at you for a few seconds trying to think of another way to wake you up but he didn’t want to hurt you yet it killed him to see you in such pain and not be able to do anything. Sighing he climbed up to his feet before sitting on the edge of you bed, carefully he shifted around picking you up he set your head on his lap. Running his hands through your hair he whispered calming words trying to comfort you as best he could. It took a good several minutes before you finally calmed down you expression turning peaceful once again as your body went lax in his arms and your breathing evened.

[intubatedangel]

Out of Body: Chapter 3

Didn’t really feel like writing much of a resus scene after recent events, but I already had some stuff written so I worked it in where I could while expanding the story a bit more.

Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

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Jane The ambulance swung into the emergency bay of the major trauma centre, stopping a few feet beyond an assembled team of doctors and nurses. They were already in blue surgical gowns and with the coordination of professionalism and experience, they spread around the back doors and pulled them open, dragging the gurney out. Dave was still pumping the ambu bag while Jane, her sweat slicked fringe sticking to her forehead, handed over the IV bag and monitor to waiting hands before the team ran inside. “What have we got?” The trauma lead asked as he ran his eyes across Laura’s restrained body. His eyebrows raised slightly at the improvised chest tube. “Laura Beckett, 23. Involved in an RTC, sedan vs motorcycle. Fractured femur, query dislocated hip and knee. Fractured wrist as well. Multiple broken ribs and punctured lung, leading to severe haemothorax. Resulted in cardiac arrest, downtime of approximately 25 minutes, reversed after the pressure of the haemothorax was relieved. BPs still low and O2 sat’s barely over 80. Currently sinus tachy at 120.” “Beckett?” The doctor asked, not asking the question out loud. Jane simply nodded. “Ok, lets get her inside, fast beep radiology we need to get a full trauma series ASAP. Let’s get a proper chest tube in, get her on the vent and pack the rapid infuser with TXA, platelets and 2 units of O-neg.” “She’s A-positive.” Jane cut in. “Good, lets get 6 units of that up from the blood bank. Get in touch with cardiothoracics, orthopaedics and neuro for consults.” The rest of the team confirmed their orders as the gurney was pushed into the primary trauma room. After a 3 count Laura was lifted across onto the table, a flurry of action surrounding her as doctors and nurses perform the assigned tasks. The lead eased Jane back. “We’ve got it from here Jane.” She shook her head defiantly, but her voice came out in a whisper. “I’m not leaving her.” “You’ve done your job. And done it well, but you can’t help her in here. Go get cleaned up, you’ll be the first to hear when we have any news.” Jane lingered for a moment, gazing at her sisters body as nurses rapidly stripped away her clothes, discarding them into a bloody heap in one corner of the room. Then her shoulders slumped and her head bowed as she retreated from the trauma room, discarding her gloves into a bin. Dave tried to catch her attention, but she ignored him, heading towards the ladies restroom while pulling out her phone. Ashir Ashir sat at his desk, much of the room shrouded in the late-night darkness. The desk itself was lit by a powerful lamp that starkly highlighted thin tendrils of smoke as they were drawn into the small extraction unit mounted in the window. He peered through the microscope, gently applying more solder to the electronic circuit board he was working on. It wasn’t work that needed to be done right now, but he needed something to occupy his mind. He made a satisfied grunt and shifted the microscope out of the way. He leaned back, stretching and rubbing his eyes, while spinning on his chair. His gaze fell on the other desk in the room. Laura’s desk. It was cluttered, stacks of newspapers, photographs and journals were strewn about in a system that Ashir couldn’t recognise, but his journalist roommate seemed perfectly at home with the mess. The pin board hung on the wall behind the stacks was a different story. It was laid out like a true conspiracy theory board. Over a dozen profile pictures formed the centres of different sections and various colours of string linked articles and reports in a web that looked chaotic at first glance. Looking closer, and with only a small amount of guidance, it began to come together into a cohesive whole. Ashir sighed. He really hoped his roommate was wrong about all this. But even he had to admit the evidence was compelling when presented in the way she had laid it out. That was part of what worried him. She should have been back by now. Or at least have dropped him some form of message. At least she’d told him where she was going. He’d been able to get his own backups into place. She’d probably kill him if she knew about them. As that thought crossed his mind his phone began to ring. He let out a relieved sigh as he prepared to make his concern clear. That was when he saw the caller ID. His hand trembled as he answered. “Ash you were right. She’s in over her head.” Jane’s voice was tight. “What happened?” Ash was already on his feet looking for his keys. “She’s hurt Ash. She’s really hurt.” “I’m coming down there.” He pulled on his jacket then flicked off the light. “Hurry Ash.”

Laura

I heard the noises first. Alarms sounding. Orders being given. I opened my eyes, once again struck by seeing the world in that strange brightness. A nurse was above me, rocking backwards and forwards, her ponytail flicking to and fro with the motion, until she paused for a brief moment. I followed her arms, down to her hands that rested in the slight valley between my breasts.

“Still nothing, resume compressions.” Someone said. The nurses hands suddenly disappeared into my chest. CPR, I was getting CPR again. My heart had stopped once more. The way the nurses compressions passed through my ethereal form was still incredibly disconcerting, so I sat up and looked around. Doctors and nurses surrounded me, but there was a gap at my feet. I managed to scooch past them without passing through anyone, then turned to look my body.

I was naked on the table. And I didn’t look good. My chest was heavily bruised, with tubes sticking out of either side, Jane’s impromptu effort having been replaced by a proper chest tube, an identical one mirroring it. My broken arm and leg had both been splinted and bandaged, though the bandages were already stained through. A urinary catheter had been placed. I was slightly glad I hadn’t seen that happening, someone touching me in such an intimate place.

A large bore IV was in my leg, with other lines into my arms and another one near the base of my neck. Blood and saline were flowing into my body, though as I watched, a nurse pushed some drugs into the central line.

The ecg wires trailed across my chest, leading to a monitor that hug above the trauma table. The line on the monitor was flat. I looked down at my chest, seeing my lifeline still strong and thick. I also saw that my ghostly form was naked too. I instinctively tried to cover myself, despite no one being capable of seeing me.

I looked around for my clothes, shredded and discarded into one corner. I reached out to them, but of course my hand passed right through them. But there was something. A strange feeling, almost like a memory of sensation across my whole body. I reached out again, letting my hand linger within the bundle. The sensation became stronger, growing steadily, and it was almost like I could feel the clothes on me.

I took a deep breath, recalling the meditation techniques my therapist had taught me years ago. How visualising a result can help it happen. I had no idea if it would work, but I’d rather not walk around naked, even if no one could see me. I tried to hold on to the memory of my clothes as I pulled my hand out. I could still feel the clothes on me, and focused on that feeling, blocking out everything else. Slowly, I let out the breath and opened my eyes, looking down at myself. I was clothed. My dark grey t-shirt and similar coloured pants were whole, despite their real counterparts being little more than shreds before me. My black hoody was also on me, unstained by blood like the genuine article.

“We’ve got V-fib.” Someone shouted, dragging my attention back to my body. The alarm had changed, it was familiar enough that I knew what was going to happen next. A doctor, fully gowned and masked, held a pair of black paddles down against my chest. “Clear!” He said, a moment before my naked body jerked on the trauma table. I cringed at the way my legs spread slightly.

“No change. Let’s do another minute of compressions and shock her again.” A nurse immediately had her hands back on my chest, pressing it down, seemingly quite easily. Given how petite the nurse was, my ribs must be really soft.

It was almost enough to turn my stomach, and I instinctively took a few steps back. There was a momentary feeling of resistance, and suddenly I couldn’t see anything. I paused, realising that wasn’t quite right. I could see, there just wasn’t anything too see. Except the papery texture of the back of the plasterboard sheet in front of me, and the treated timbers that were the drywall studs. I was inside the wall. I took another step back, emerging into a corridor.

It was a quiet corridor, empty except for a cleaner at the far end. Yet I could still hear a voice. Quiet, but clear. It was counting. “15…16…17…18…” I grimaced slightly, then plunged back through the wall. The nurse was still pressing down on my chest, and she was mouthing the words, but more to herself. She wasn’t shouting by any stretch, in fact I would be surprised if her words would even carry to where I stood.

So, I can still hear what is happening to my body. Helpful. I glanced down, concentrating slightly to look at my lifeline. It was still strong and steady. How far can it stretch? I remembered Keith telling me to stay close, but the lifeline was thin then, insignificant compared to the almost cable thick line I could see before me now. I made up my mind. I strode across the room, towards the doors, unable to stop myself from hesitating just slightly before I walked through them. Again that slight resistance, more a reminder the wall was there, than something really stopping me, tugged as I passed through. And then I was in a different corridor, busier, but still quiet.

 I looked around, hoping to see Jane, but she was not there. I walked down the corridor, trying to figure out precisely where I was, or where I should go. I glanced at the signs, but most of them were mainly just numbers, hanging in front of cubicles or other offshoot corridors. Coloured lines were on the floor, branching out down the corridor behind me. Presumably, I thought, they must all come together at one starting point. I followed them back, dodging a nurse pushing a young man in a wheelchair, a large boot on his foot. Neither of them payed me even a sliver of attention.

 “Ok, that’s a minute. Let’s shock her again.” It was the voice of the doctor working on me. “Clear” he said a moment later. I stopped walking as I wondered if I was about to be wrenched back into my body. “Still no change. Load her up with epi, bicarb and amiodarone.” I considered going back, but my lifeline hadn’t changed. I was close enough to see the name plate on the nearby doors, ‘Reception’. Seemed like a sensible place to look for my sister.

I passed through the door and immediately sidestepped out of the way of a porter. It was much busier in here. I retreated to an out of the way corner and looked around for Jane. I couldn’t see her anywhere and was beginning to wonder if she had abandoned me and gone back to work when I saw a high-vis jacket come around the corner. It was her partner. Dave. I remembered. He held two coffee cups, putting them on a counter before reaching for his radio. I crossed the room, weaving around nurses and patients, cringing when a small girl ran through me.

Dave was already mid conversation. “…anks for sorting it. I’ll tell her then I‘ll run the rig back to base.”

“How’s she doing?” A voice said from the radio.

Dave blew out a breath between clenched teeth. “Honestly, not good.” He seemed to stare across at a pair of doors across the room. Toilets. “I mean, it is her sister after all, how many of us would be alright after seeing someone we love in that …” I left him behind as I crossed the room and plunged through the wall into the ladies restroom.

Jane stood there, leaning over a sink. Her high-vis jacket lay on the floor at her feet. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the edges of the sink. She was murmuring to herself, enough to earn a sideways glance from another woman who quickly scurried out.

“…stupid. Stubborn. Why couldn’t you just listen to me. I begged you. ‘Don’t go after him.’ But you didn’t listen. You never listen.” As I stepped closer, I could see her aura. There was a bubbling of red, but it was mostly that sickly green. As the door swung shut behind the fleeing woman, Jane let out a great shuddering sob, and tears began to fall from her face. I reached out, but my hand passed through her shoulder.

I could still hear the distant sounds of the attempt to resuscitate me. A third shock delivered. “Back in asystole. Ok, hang another round of blood products and chase up the surgical consult, if we don’t get anything back in two minutes we open her up down here.” That sounded just delightful. I glanced down at my lifeline, but it didn’t look like it had diminished.

That’s when I noticed the traces of red in the sink. Blood. My blood. As if to distract herself, Jane washed out the bowl of the sink, tears still dripping as she took deep steadying breaths. I’d seen her do it before. Fighting to assert an iron control over herself. It had always driven me crazy, especially after what had happened to Mum and Dad. But then, something happened that I had never seen before.

She lost.

Her whole body was wracked with sobs as she sank to the ground against the wall. Her hands covered her face and she drew her knees up tightly. I didn’t know what to do. So I sat down beside her. For just a moment I passed into the wall, but I grabbed that moment of resistance, held it my mind for a few seconds, and suddenly the wall felt solid. I leaned back against it, looking at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I whispered. As expected, she didn’t respond. She continued to sob, and I could see tears leaking out. I sighed. “It was him. If you can hear me at all, hear that. It was him. Patterson. I was right. He’s a murderer, and he tried to kill me. Just like he killed them.” I could feel the anger building. I turned to look at her, as she lowered her hand, her sobs easing. “It was never your fault Jane. It was always him. He had mum and dad killed.”  

[lamalefix]

A whisper of smoke 3/5

[Buddie fic; Heavy Angst; Angst with a Happy Ending; Hurt/Comfort; Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Established Relationship; Major Character Injury; Blood and Injury; Eddie’s POV; I don’t know how to English; I Don’t Even Know how to tag; I don’t even know why; Author.exe has stopped working]

read ch1; ch 2

[read this work on ao3] 

Eddie doesn’t know how it happened. What changed that Friday all those weeks ago. He only knows that when he went to get Christopher at the hospital that evening, Maddie told him that they couldn’t give up, not yet.

They didn’t have the courage, both of them, to give themselves that ultimatum. They didn’t have the heart to end hope. And maybe yes, it was Christopher, the one who actually changed Maddie’s mind, the fact that he loves Buck unconditionally, that although he understood, because he is a smart kid and knew very well the severity of his Bucky’s situation, he fights. Christopher doesn’t give up. She started to talk about him meeting her daughter, whatever her name is, Eddie knows it, the name, but it seems not to want to stay in his mind. He has even seen the beautiful baby girl at some point, but he’s so much focused on Buck that he really can’t function. Just can’t.

And Eddie doesn’t really know how it happened, but then they let days, weeks go by, and continued to float in this muddy river of uncertainties, without the possibility of going upstream, without being able to reach a shore.

And yet.

Yet there have been tiny developments, so small that it seemed to be going round in circles, tiny improvements which, however, have ignited hope even in Maddie, who has stopped talking about organ donation for a few days. Evan who occasionally moves his fingers, Evan who occasionally moves his eyes under his eyelids. But to every small improvement, every tiny answer, always follows a flat calm made up of evoked potentials that give no answer, if not a small or large deterioration. But every now and then Evan reacts to the stimuli, every now and then his fingers barely move, when they touch the palm of his hand, in a grasping reflex that is increasingly unexpected. There is a minimum of activity and to that, to that tiny activity Eddie hangs on with his nails and teeth. But as the sixth month of coma approached, doctors began talking. And there is this extremely young and harsh neurologist who has started saying things, frightening things. Without evident brain damage, without a specific cause to be attributed to his brain, it is necessary to diagnose a permanent vegetative state. He began to talk about withdrawing nutritional support, to remove life support, in slow steps so he doesn’t feel any pain or discomfort, and as long as his organs are still serviceable, donate them. They started throwing in the towel too, everyone except the old doctor and the young surgeon, and Eddie is so tired and so angry because Buck is there, he has these tiny reflexes, and those must be enough for them to fight. Even Maddie has started to talk about organ donation, again, she started to say that those are just reflexes and that aren’t that unusual, that the rest of the reactions that Evan should give are important, and he doesn’t answer, he doesn’t react.

And Evan is so thin now, so fucking thin, tiny, so pale, and if they run his hand through his hair, tiny locks remain entangled between their fingers. If Evan is reacting, his body is quickly letting go. And Eddie knows that he has no more time to hope, and that little time he has left with him, he must begin to understand how he will go on later on, when Eddie will give in and consent, giving permission to disconnect the life support and let him go.

He is so irritable, Eddie, so unmotivated to even go there in that little room to sit near him, near Evan who doesn’t look like Evan anymore. He is breathing hard now when he enters the room, his heart rumbling in his chest and his breath shortening at every single step. He already couldn’t sleep, it took forever to fall asleep, but now his sleep is broken all night, and there are strange nightmares that take away his breath, he as an old man who sees his life as a viewer, as he isn’t allowed to live that life, a life in black and white, weak, and every time he wakes up he is even more tired and empty.

He loses patience easily, and is often one step away from scolding Christopher, and it’s so fucking frightening, finding himself being short with his family. It also happens with his colleagues, but in the end, it’s also their fault, it’s also the fault of his found family if he and Evan no longer have time.

The little he eats remains on his stomach, he has this strange low-grade stomach ache all the time, it feels like having butterflies in his stomach, but they look more like wasps, who are banging from one side to the other.

And if only he were less in control, he would be able to cry a little, a little more. And Frank says he should do it, let go and let go of everything he feels, it’s normal that it hurts so much, it’s physiological, it’s chemical, it’s everything and nothing. But he feels so empty, so detached from reality, and continues to go on with his days by the sheer force of inertia, mechanically, because if he let himself go, if he answered really emotionally, if he really connected to reality, he wouldn’t be able to remain at afloat.

He’s just empty. Simply empty.

His head is empty, his heart is dry, and when he enters there everything falls on him. When he sees Evan not responding, who occasionally moves his fingers when he takes his hand, who seems to listen to him when he speaks, when he sees that he is no longer colourful, cheerful, sunny, that is only a spectre, a ghost of what, of who he was, everything falls on him. His Buck wouldn’t want to live like this. And Eddie can’t be really selfish enough to keep him there again and again, even now that his body is letting go.

He doesn’t have the courage to stay there when they move him to avoid pressure ulcers, and as much as he has learned to gently exercising his joints to prevent them becoming tight, he has gradually begun to feel a frightening panic, now that his wrists are so thin and he could swear to hear the patella move on the meniscus. And so when the nurses are there to do those treatments, when they change the catheter, when they clean his mouth and teeth, when they do all those little manoeuvres to clean him, to move him, Eddie stays out of that little room.

Eddie visits the hospital chapel from time to time, when Maddie is up with him or when nurses take care of what is called supportive treatment. He isn’t a religious type, although raised in a very traditional family, very attached to religion, although he wears a medal of a saint around his neck as a good luck charm, he has seen too many bad things to believe in God, yet he has had his miracles in some way. So he decidedes to proceed with this perhaps bigoted hope, and even if he doesn’t know what to ask, if he no longer knows how to pray, if he doesn’t know which saint to turn to, he is there and looks at the wooden coffered ceiling, looks at the cross, looks at the candles. Abuela often goes there to pray for Evan, and knows for sure that she lights a candle for him every time. And he would like a miracle, of course, he would like to wake up one morning with a million unanswered calls on his phone, he would like to get to the hospital and find him awake, responsive, with bright eyes and a sparkling smile.

But most of the time his head goes somewhere else and the thing he prays for, or rather for which he speaks senselessly with himself, is to find courage and not ask whoever it is, for a miracle. He is there waiting in that room to look for that little sign of awakening, that little clue of reaction. And he tries to feel different, every time, he tries to feel new, to silence what he feel, and to control himself. Science fiction, stories, which bend reality. He can’t forget how much he loves him, not like that, not snapping his fingers, not praying in a fucking chapel, no prayer could unbreak his heart new.

And so he needs courage, to give up hope and let him go, he needs control, he needs courage to kiss him goodbye, and bid farewell to a part of him with Evan.

And when he returns home it is unusually silent, and when he arrives at the station everything is unusually off. Eddie lives and works mechanically, emptied. He had to learn to do it by force, at the beginning even the smallest thing made him snap, and even now he is irritable, insufferable. After the week he had spent compulsorily off duty, for his little injury, at least on paper, but mostly for his state of mind, arriving at the station and finding everything in its place and all oddly different, had been atrocious. Evan’s nameplate was still there, this time there was no paper tape with a name written on it, it was all there, his locker with the usual combination, a part of his spare gear, his bag, it was all there. Everything except him.

Then his replacement had arrived. For a while they had stumbled with double shifts to cover his absence, but they couldn’t go on for so long. And as much as Bobby said he didn’t want to substitute him, that guy, Nate or whatever his name is, Buck’s fill-in is a substitute. A five-feet happy-go-lucky guy from Maine with a strange inflection dialect, tall and strong, extremely kind, is in every way a replacement, as if Evan could be replaced.

Then this guy started clicking well with the rest of the group, cooking with Bobby, sitting in Buck’s place and chatting. He talks, talks and talks. And all Eddie can think of, whenever this Nate or whatever the hell is his name, is that he would like to silence him with a punch, a punch well placed in the centre of the face. Both this poor fellow who has done absolutely nothing except the fact that he is replacing Buck, but above all to Bobby. Bobby who is extremely attentive to all group dynamics, who is directive and severe but only up to a certain point, who is ready to intervene in case of danger. Who didn’t intervene that time.

It’s hard to ignore the fact that the station is unlit, figuratively speaking, empty. He must try again to enjoy the lunches with the team, now that there is that substitute who sits next to him and not Buck, he must have the courage to stay a minute longer in the locker room, and look up at that locker that was his and now there is the plate and not the scotch of paper, nothing temporary, which says that there is someone else there, in his place.

The tag and Evan’s belongings are in a box now, in Chim’s trunk or maybe at his and Maddie’s house, because Eddie didn’t have the courage to empty that part, that little big part of Evan’s life and put it in a box. Eddie hurries past his locker. He also stopped imagining Evan, there, in the locker room with him, who tells him about this other absurdity that he learned about this or that phenomenon, a human encyclopaedia stuffed with most absurd facts, that little smile on his lips, before blowing a kiss on his forehead.

It’s been so long, yet the absence there is always so pressing, both at home and at the station.

And today is just a bad day, and the neurologist, the young and stern one, this morning said that they must decide, that with a diagnosis of a permanent vegetative state, recovery is extremely rare but not impossible. And Maddie is pressing him, and Eddie is there about to decide and at the same time he doesn’t have the courage to decide, he will never have it. 

But then again, if one can wake up that is Evan, but it is also true it is so hard to see him that, if it is almost impossible for him to wake up then it’s no longer worth let him wither like that. He can still do a lot for many other people, he can still save lives. And maybe they should just let him go. He’ll tell Christopher tonight, and tomorrow they’ll say goodbye and let go of his hand, let go of him. 

He sent a message to Maddie before entering. I’m not ready. And it is the truth because he will never be, he will never be ready to let him go, he will be materially to end his life, he will never overcome it. But he has to do it for him, he must have the courage. Tonight he will go in that room and talk to him, do as Abuela and recommend, there will not be parting words, there will not be goodbyes, because maybe they will have luck in another life, and there will not be goodbyes because Evan will always stay with him. As long as he breathes.

So, today more than any other day, he feels underwater with that tremendous new awareness of the time slipping away from his fingers, hope shrivelling in his heart. Eddie just wants to finish his job mechanically, maybe a series of beautiful interventions could help him not to think for a while and then go back to the hospital and find courage, find the right words, put his heart in peace and remember how different Evan is from what he was, how frightening it is to see him wither, how much it will hurt to let him go. But when he enters the station there are balloons, garlands, there is noise.

“Eddie come on, we’re celebrating,” someone shouts, but Eddie proceeds quickly towards the lockers and sits there looking at something in front of him.

Usually Bobby is the one who goes down there to retrieve him and force him to have lunch with them, he tries to weave a conversation with him. And every single time Eddie doesn’t have the strength to replicate, or maybe he does have it, but he doesn’t have enough nerve to avoid bursting, snapping. He’s tired, he’s so tired of drifting his emotions, without a guiding star to lighten his sailing, because his north star is in a hospital bed and is gradually turning off that mighty light. And he would like to let off steam and lose control, take Bobby and slam him on the wall, he who first gave instructions to stop with the compressions, who gave up on him, who ordered to leave him under that house in that hell of smoke and flames, who practically did nothing but deny him the support he wanted, if not to leave him on the bench, without telling him anything, without giving him the right explanations. Bobby who now behaves like a good captain, who teaches cooking to the substitute, who spends his days trying to start a conversation, who goes to the hospital once a week, who perhaps prays a bit for Evan in the evening too, or perhaps he prays only for himself, to clear his conscience.

“Hey Diaz, it’s my birthday, let’s celebrate!” someone mumbles, but Eddie doesn’t hear, or maybe he hears but decides not to react, because his reaction would be the wrong one, and he needs to work, not so much to pay Evan’s hospital bills, which apparently are covered by the excellent health fund that he has stipulated, in addition to their insurance, or from his father, whoever he is, this mysterious occult partner of their life, but to disconnect, to forget his feelings, to keep his head busy. He stretches his legs and hopes that the damned siren will ring. He even hopes for a cat stuck in a tree, all to avoid being there.

“Eddie?” this time the voice is Hen’s. “Do you want a piece of cake?”.

And Eddie moves his head to look at her. “Have you ever noticed that we didn’t throw him a party when he came back?”.

“You say after the lawsuit?” she asks taking a seat at his side.

“Yeah,” nods . “He just wanted to come back to work and we were pieces of shit. He still says sorry sometimes. Said sorry…” he corrects himself with a weird huff. “He was always here when we needed him and yet… we were pieces of shit”.

“We didn’t give our best, back then...” she agrees.

Eddie purses his lips. “I’m not hungry, I don’t want the cake, I don’t want to celebrate… I don’t... you should go up with the others and enjoy this moment...” he shakes his head.

“Eddie...” Hen begins to say, her voice soft.

And he sighs. “A party. I didn’t think we were even celebrating birthdays here”.

“He wanted to do something nice, you know... there is tense air here... you can cut the atmosphere with a knife so tans and cold…” he sighs. “Nate just wants to be part of the group, you know”.

Eddie snorts. “With a party”.

“Yeah,” she sighs. “What do you say, you don’t have to celebrate, but at least eat a slice of cake?” she keeps saying.

He shrugs. “You go, I don’t... I’m not in the mood”.

“I guess.” Hen sighs.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be in the mood. That guy is taking his place. And if Buck knew, Dios, how pissed he would be, and hurt and...” he shakes his head and smiles at himself, if he imagines him complaining in bed, or on the sofa, if he imagines him working twice as hard to get back to them. And the smile remains bitter on his lips and shakes his head, while tears swell at the corners of his eyes.

“He will never take its place,” Hen replies, her tone gentle, optimistic as always.

“Tell Bobby.” Eddie snorts a half bitter sigh.

And she looks at him, curling her eyebrows and purses her lips before speaking “Eddie everyone lives with pain in his own way”.

“He didn’t do anything, Hen. He didn’t do a thing, he didn’t allow us to do anything. And now he’s over there and teaches cooking to that guy?” he grumbles.

Hen sighs, squeezes her hand on his shoulder, but this gesture only makes him stiffen more. “Eddie... Nate has nothing to do with it”.

“It’s a bad day, I should have taken today off. I should have been with him today,” he murmurs with a whisper. Today could be the last day I will spend with him and... I’m not ready I’m not ready I’m not ready I’m not ready.

“You can go there later. I thought I would come too, maybe next Tuesday, you know... I found some articles that I think would interest him a lot. Karen has prepared a small summary of NASA’s new discoveries and updates that will surely please him and...” she continues to say.

“You should go today. You too, maybe Tuesday will be late...” he replies.

“Late?” Hen repeats, her brows furrowed. “What are you saying, Eddie?”.

Eddie purses his lips and rolls his eyes, wrinkling his nose. He would have expected a lot more support from them, everyone knows, right? “Chim knows it, so you know it too. And if you know it, Athena knows it too, and if Athena knows it, Bobby knows it too. I just have to sign those papers and... let him go”.

“What papers? Eddie are you talking about?” she mumbles.

Eddie swallows and turns his gaze to his locker. “Who knows what was in there to make him calm down every time, I would like to know, I would like to understand... I can’t ask him anymore”.

“Eddie?” she continues to say. “What are you saying, he will wake up you know, right?”.

He slowly glances over her, heaves a sigh and relaxes his shoulders. “His new neurologist, the young one, wrote... they diagnosed... on his file there is now written permanent vegetative state. And Maddie wants to turn off the life support”.

Hen’s eyes widen, his glasses glaze over. “What?”.

“She’s been saying it over and over again, it’s been months now…” Eddie shrugs.

And the paramedic moves over him. “And what do you think?”.

Eddie doesn’t know how to say it, what he thinks. “Now with this diagnosis... this diagnosis is final, Hen, and he doesn’t react...” he murmurs as he shakes his head slowly, and his stomach tightens from how much his tone sounds pliant. “Evan is no longer there. The small movements he makes, he makes them because the nerves are... because...” and his voice becomes thin and feeble as a whisper. “I don’t even know how to explain and... he’s so thin, Hen, slender... his hair remains in your hand if you caress it and...” he sniffs and looks at her. “His body is giving up and Maddie... Maddie is right. It’s right to make him make one last heroic gesture”.

“Donate his organs?” she realizes. “Eddie... but he’s still alive he... he moves every now and then, his fingers will...”.

“The evoked potentials... brain activity is almost non-existent, Hen. Buck, Evan would never want to live like this. And I don’t know how to do it anymore, because I would fight with my nails and my teeth, again and again to bring him home with me, but... his body is giving up, and I don’t know how much it hurts, maybe he doesn’t feel anything and... but maybe he’s afraid and it hurts and I don’t... I can’t... I can’t be so selfish, I can’t force him to survive...” he mutters, confusedly. “I will never be ready but, but before he goes into septicaemia, he… he would like to save other lives. He stayed in there because we heard a scream, but I think he was one of those whispers of smoke... and he pushed me out because he’s like this, he’s like this, he wants to save everyone and...” he shakes his head. “And he would like to donate organs, he would like this. If he could choose, Evan would choose this”.

And she slowly nods the tears that swell in her eyes. “Of course, he is a hero, he doesn’t even need a cape”.

“Chris says he’s like Captain America, who sleeps in the ice and will come back to us, to do the right thing once again...” adds Eddie, with a small inexplicable smile, which remains again so bitter on his lips. “I don’t know how to tell him that hope disappears at some point, and you can’t fight anymore. I would never want to teach my son this thing...” he mumbles.

Hen reaches out to embrace him. “I’m sorry Eddie, living with this awareness... I... I didn’t know... why didn’t you tell us? You know you could come to us, right?”.

Eddie sighs. He never wanted to talk about it, saying it out loud is like making it come true and reality is scary. “I thought Chim told you, I thought you all knew it”.

“I don’t think he wanted to tell me about it, I would have said what I think about it, I would have said that I don’t agree, that he is a sleepyhead that... that you should give him more time. I don’t agree, but it’s not my choice to make.  Every situation is different, every situation is…” she shakes her head and tightens her grip on Eddie. “But he would like this, you’re right. Saving other lives,” she mumbles with a certain fondness in her voice. “He is a hero”.

Eddie nods softly. “I just have to find the courage to let him go”.

“It takes a lot of courage, but we will be here for you, you know it” she replies taking his face in her hands, in a maternal, kind, affectionate gesture.

“Ah,” hisses mockingly. “If he’s gone, I have no reason to be here. I’ll go back to my mother, my family in El Paso. I already have all the papers ready, it’s just a little form to sign, nothing more”.

“Eddie!” she begins to say, but the siren begins to ring. “We will finish this later”.

.

.

.

Turns out that they can’t finish that talk, later.

The shift worsens gradually, without giving them breath, and Eddie thanks a bit that it is such a busy and demanding day, so his head remains clear and doesn’t think. He doesn’t think about Evan and the fact that Maddie will be there today with Christopher, like every Friday, that she has the day off and for his kid this means spending a lot of time with his Bucky. Because Chris is so good, and he will always wait for him. As he waited for Eddie and Shannon.

And Eddie doesn’t think about him, or maybe he actually thinks about him, thinks about what he would have done differently, he thinks about how much Buck would have been scolded if he had jumped on the roof of a house and not that guy from Maine, he thinks he could hear him laughing, when they are all whole in the truck and ready for another emergency, if he can imagine Evan planning their weekend. But in the truck in his place is that substitute who keeps on talking, who tries to start a conversation with Eddie. And Eddie has reached a point of no return, he has reached a point where he no longer listens to anything, a point where he no longer wants to hear anything, in any sense. His life proceeds by the sheer force of inertia, and he gets emptier with every step, his knees weaker and heart too. Buck would have understood that he had to shut up, Buck would reach out and caress his thigh with that gentle and reassuring touch.

Two accidents and two tamed fire later, and Eddie is sitting on the sofa, eyes closed, trying to control his breathing, trying to calm down. That internal anger that mounts in his throat every time they are all around the table has taken away his appetite today too.

There are still a few hours until the end of their shift and he suddenly feels that ancient need, like an itch under his skin. He feels the urge to fight, something that seemed dormant now. But perhaps it would help him get back in control, back at the helm of his life. Buck wouldn’t judge him anyway, whether he was there or not, Evan would still love him, in any case, beyond any circumstance, any prediction, any bad thought, beyond any wrong choice. Buck would love him anyway. How he loved him unconditionally, for all that short time they have been together, as he knows perfectly well that he still loves him, even in his non-slumber sleep.

“Eddie,” grumbles Bobby. “We need to talk”.

And maybe a small part of him expected it, talking to Hen also meant that. That she would confide this burden to Athena and that somehow it would reach Bobby’s ears.

Eddie gets up and drags himself into the captain’s office. He doesn’t know how tired or how angry he is looking at him, but he knows that resentment is like gall in his veins.

“Sit down,” Bobby tells him, fatherly.

And they had an excellent relationship, they on paper have an excellent relationship. And surely if Eddie listened to his head, his rationality, he would understand that Bobby tried to do the best, even that day. But the best isn’t always enough. It wasn’t enough, not this time.

“Who told you?” he asks slowly, without taking a seat.

“Athena. She went to see him today. And she read the medical record. How long have you known?” mutters Bobby, also standing in his place.

Eddie purses his lips. “This morning, but it was in the air since long before”.

And now Bobby sits down and looks at him. “Eddie I...” he begins to say.

“I think I’ll resign, Bobby. Not with immediate effect because I want Chris to end his elementary school here, but...” he shakes his head. “At the end of his school year we will return to El Paso, I would like you to move me to another station, or to change my shift. I don’t want to work with you”.

“Eddie” tries again to say.

“We will turn off the life support, we will donate his organs. Athena may not know this. We’ll probably take the machines off tomorrow and proceed to organ donation and...” he sighs. "He’ll be the hero one last time. A hero, what you know he does best,” he adds and walks back to the door, his eyes stingy and burning with tears.

"Eddie?" Bobby repeats, the voice sounding like a whisper.

And when Eddie turns around, maybe he has an expression so upset that he stops Bobby on the spot. He can see the captain swallowing, looking down.

“He’s a fighter,” Bobby then says, in a low voice, a strange affection, a pride that inflates his voice. “He always fights, and he will make it, he will come out of it. In a while he will be back in the truck with us. He reacts, right? You have to give him some time more”.

Eddie is tired. He’s tired of hearing him talk, he’s tired of hearing everyone talk about how strong Evan is. He knows how strong he is, how good, how amazing he is, he knows how much of a fighter he is. But, they all have to be honest and face reality. Evan really thinks it isn’t worth fighting for him, that it isn’t worth fighting, and Eddie is afraid that he is now too tired of fighting, too tired of rolling up his sleeves every time and trying to get back there, on that truck, in that station with them, with his family, with the family he chose. And his body is giving up and he doesn’t react to stimuli as he should and... and it’s scary and hurts and he knows that Evan is one who doesn’t give up, but if his body gives up before him, there is no much more to do.

And he would like to get angry, he would like Evan to get angry with them, with all of them, for not having supported him enough, for not having told him how important he is, how vital he is for the team. He has a heart of gold, and they will never be, Eddie will never be enough for him. And if he is lucky, if they are lucky and he survives, and fights a bit more, and his body reacts and he manages to return, things must change. All of them must change for him. And maybe Eddie will also have time to dismantle all his beliefs, all his resistances. Maybe he will make him feel loved enough, he will make him feel worthy enough, maybe he will be able to give him all this and much more. Or maybe it’s late and the only thing they have to do is let him be a hero one last time.

“You know I couldn’t get you in. You have a son waiting for you at home...” he hears Bobby say.

And Eddie no longer sees it, he loses his composure. He no longer has control. Christopher isn’t an excuse, he isn’t a mitigating factor. He didn’t do enough, nobody there, did enough that day. And maybe it’s not just that day, they haven’t done enough, in general since he knows Evan, since Buck is his colleague, they have always been little supportive with him. Everyone, including Eddie, who has included him in his and in his son’s lives, perhaps he hasn’t done enough. He didn’t do enough for Evan to start thinking he was worthy, worthy of being helped, worthy of being supported, worthy of being loved, worthy of a family, worthy of having time to live.

“Evan has a son waiting for him at home as much as I do, a son who goes to the hospital and reads his favourite books to him. A son who wants to ask Santa to wake up his Bucky because he managed to give him this gift other times, when asked for my return, when asked for Shannon to be home… a son that loves Buck more than I can ever love.” he shakes his head with his eyes closed, not to let a tear leave his eyelids, and tries to control himself, because under his skin there is that ancient call that reminds him of the arena, the cage, the noise, fighting for his own good.

“Eddie, I just thought about limiting the damage,” Bobby mumbles. The way he repeats his name might seem aggressive, if someone else did it, it certainly would have sounded aggressive, but Bobby seems to be pleading him, begging him to see with his own eyes, his vision of things.

And Eddie doesn’t want to humanize him, doesn’t want to hear him, doesn’t want to understand. He is too angry and empty at the same time. “You didn’t make us intervene. In these cases, the timing is vital. And he stopped breathing, his heart stopped beating and... and there was so much blood in his lungs that he couldn’t breathe and... and I can’t get it out of my head that it’s your fault too, Bobby.” He adds, this time it looks more like a growl. “I don’t want to work with you anymore. I no longer trust your judgment or mine, if I work with you. I am too angry and sorry, because rationally, rationally I know that you have done the best for us, but it wasn’t enough. Not for Evan.” he reiterates trying to get back in control, at the helm of his emotions.

“Eddie, take some time. Surely when Buck gets better...” Bobby starts to say.

“He will never get better. We will let him go. I will have to explain to my son that we have to let him go and I will have to hope that he doesn’t hate me as much as I hate myself, for giving up. But Buck… Evan wouldn’t want to live like this.” he adds in a low voice. “Take it as a warning. After he leaves, I will take my bereavement two days leave and then I’ll use all my off work days. And when I’ll be back I’d like you to move me to another station or at least another shift. I am not going to play happy family with all of you. No more, never more” and before he can say anything more the siren rings, alerting them of another emergency.

And Eddie is already on the stairs, ready for action.

.

.

In the truck he doesn’t listen, in the truck he just thinks. He thinks and rethinks about today, what will happen today and then tomorrow, and what will happen from tomorrow onwards.

When he’ll go to the hospital today, he will talk to him about his day, he will talk to him about today’s emergencies. He will tell him how that tutorial on youtube didn’t help him at all not to burn their toast this morning. He will describe the sunset and the drawings of the clouds in the sky. He will recommend him not to do anything stupid wherever he goes, and will hold his hand until he begins to understand how to do it, how to live without him, how to leave his hand.

A change of air, returning to El Paso could be another fresh start. But he doesn’t want a brand new start, he won’t get a brand new start from the pieces torn apart. Eddie wants to feel that pain and doesn’t want to forget it. Because a lot of love corresponds to the same pain, and even if more months have passed in that muddy limbo, of uncertainties and time that flows away from the fingers, rather than those they have actually spent together loving each other, with all their heart, with their whole bodies, with their whole minds, Evan will leave an unbridgeable void. But he needs someone, someone who will keep him afloat in the future, otherwise he will bring his son, his tiny ray of sunshine, down into his pitch black abyss.

.

It is a young couple, the one woven into the sheet-metal of a Saab. She who cries out in pain, the horrible awareness that he is not breathing on her.

She comes out intact, she, as Eddie got out unscathed that day. While he, whose life is hanging by a thread, quickly fizzles on the stretcher, before reaching the ambulance. And he protected her, he took all the shock when he noticed the other car, which was about to take them in full. And he played the hero like Buck and life, bastard, took him away, like is taking Evan away.

It’s almost the end of his shift when that phone call arrives. They just finished recovering their tools and got back on the truck, leaving behind the place of an accident where not only devastation hovers, but the vague memory, a tremendous understanding, an inalienable judgment. They haven’t done enough, they haven’t been there on time, they haven’t be enough, like that other day. Sorrow overshadow Eddie’s heart.

So, Eddie answers almost without thinking, without looking at the screen. And he hears someone sniffling, breathing heavily. “Daddy?”.

“Hey buddy, what’s going on? You never call me when I’m at work.” he hums, trying not to read as much in his kid’s voice, like his grief is only a shadow that walks with him today, more than any other day. “Chris? What’s going on, mijo?”.

“Daddy...” he repeats again and hears him sobbing.

And his heart becomes so small in his chest. “Chris, Chris? Let me talk to Maddie, alright, buddy?” he mumbles and glances at Bobby who is already facing him. And he does everything in his power to breathe slowly, he does everything he can not to panic.

“Eddie, Eddie you have to come here right away... Evan... collapsed...” says Maddie, breathless.

“What?”. Eddie doesn’t even hear himself saying it, he couldn’t be a judge of how painfully that sound rings in his ears.

“We were with him, inside and... suddenly the saturation dropped all together. They sent us out... Eddie I’m afraid that...” she starts to explain.

“Don’t say it” He blocks her. And he knows, he knows that if she says it out loud his heart will break into a thousand pieces, but then there is Christopher there and he still hasn’t explained anything to him, he hasn’t explained to him what will happen when they let him go. “Not in front of Christopher, not yet, okay? I’m coming, give me time, I’m coming,” he tells her and begins to silently pray for time. Time to see him one last time and hope one last time.

“What’s going on Eddie?” asks Bobby.

“Evan. He... I have to go to the hospital. The saturation dropped” he replies mechanically, trying to control himself, but in his head there is only that silent and boundless prayer.

He will be late, he knows it. It’s already late. The sun is setting and he is not ready. He wanted more time, he was still thinking about what to tell him, because he knows that Evan hears him, he knows that he can hear him. He could hear his voice. And now? 

.

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.

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.

Throughout the stretch of road, he continued to think, think and rethink. They will not see Christopher grow in the wonderful man he will be, they will not grey together bickering in the backyard, they will not look at the stars together, they will not see the sunset together. They will not have the good immense luck to marry, they will not love and fight, and reconcile. Take and get lost in each other. They have not had this immense luck, of being able to love each other for a long time, of being able to get used to the idea of ​​not having a future together. Their nights together were a trickle, numbered, like the days they spent together, work a distant memory, pain and suffering, the continuous not being enough to save lives.

Eddie feels so drained when he gets there. When the noise of the hospital swallows his thoughts. And there is this storm that is swelling in his chest.

Buck was there when he started his new life, he was a constant. His presence has been a constant even when they have been far away, the need to have him in his life, in his daily life has broken a monotony, a schematic, pragmatic routine, forged by his mental state and his past. And there were little things, little big things in their days, little steps that became brighter and happier. The problem with people is that they often forget that it’s the little things that matter most, and Evan is the light, and the oxygen, he’s his way home, he is all the little big things that made his life better. And Eddie knows that he will have to go on, that his life must go on, anyway, grit his teeth and walk, proceed along the road of his life, even without having Evan next to him, without being able to reach out and hold his hand and find comfort, safety, anchoring. He has always been there in this new part of his life, and Eddie could now divide his life into a before and an after. In a before and after Buck. And his brief while has already come to an end. Their numbered nights. Their numbered days.

And it’s late, it’s late, it’s late. It’s so fucking late. Buck who was there even before he felt the need, Evan who has become an integral, crucial part of his life, and who will now leave an infinite void. Until his heart stops hurting. Because one day it will stop, and Eddie is afraid right now of when that day will come, when he will stop feeling this incredible void.

He knows the hospital by heart, and when he gets out of the truck his legs are going for him, his body moving autonomously, and his mind, his mind traveling fast towards that day, towards that day when he will thank goodness, and fear takes his heart. One person can’t disappear like this, Eddie can’t stop feeling that pain. He still misses Shannon, sometimes, so hard that it breaks his heart. He still misses the mother she could have become, the wonderful woman who did her best. Eventually over time all the mistakes disappear, all the quarrels, all the fights become little nothings and only the good things remain, and perhaps the therapy helped him a little. With Buck, with Evan he didn’t have the time to build those memories, yet his warmth in his life was so great, his colours so bright, his affection so essential.

Eddie walks past the chapel and looks at the cross and the candles that shine at the bottom on the altar from the small mosaic window. And prays, prays, to have some more time at least for the latest recommendations, to tell him how much he loves him, at least one last time. He won’t be able to demonstrate all that love to him, he won’t be able to operate that love, he won’t be able to give it voice.

And then he proceeds, walks quickly, steps heavy and knees that seem to tremble.

And when he arrives in the waiting room there is Christopher holding his book tightly against his chest and his head down and Maddie trying to calm him.

“I got here as fast as I could” murmurs Eddie, the turnout coat and the pants and braces that weigh him down now, all together.

“Daddy!” peeps Christopher throwing himself into his arms. “We have to wait for him some more, right? We wait for him?”.

Maddie takes a choked breath between her clenched teeth.

“Okay mijo, you and I need to talk about something, okay?” he babbles cupping his son’s face with his hand before hurrying to take off his coat and those heavy trousers, to remain with his station uniform, his thin blue trousers and his T-shirt. And then he looks over at Maddie, and smiles softly before turning his attention again to his kid. He kneels down in front of him, and takes a deep breath.

“But we fight with him, do─don’t we? We─We don’t stop fighting, do we? Because if we stop… he stops too,” Chris murmurs sobbing quietly, his eyes are reddened by tears.

And Eddie then leans over to him and takes his little face between his fingers and smiles softly, wrinkling his nose, before pulling him into a tight tight hug. “You know your Buck always fights, don’t you? But there is a time when we can no longer fight for him, and we can no longer ask him to fight.” he says softly. “He wants to do fight like Ironman now. Snap his fingers and save lives, but you know what this means...” he mumbles and is amazed at how simple it is to say it this way, an allegory. And he hears Christopher nod as he sniffles. “And you know that I would never want him to snap his fingers and decide for us, but...”.

Christopher nods and lowers his gaze, his shoulders trembling. “Like Iron -man? But if he snap his fingers...”.

“Look at me Christopher,” Eddie says softly and picks up his tiny face again between his fingers, and tries to stretch a smile, even if his eyes are burning and he feels like crying and would never want to do this speech. “It won’t erase him from our hearts, it’s normal to feel sad, he will always love us even if we stop fighting and let him be the hero. He will always be with us, like mommy, huh? And we will love him anyway even if he has decided to be a hero and snap his fingers, and to go away and save many other people if he does”. He adds swallowing a thick lump in his throat. “You know he is a hero and... and we would have loved him anyway that he was a superhero or a supervillain, because Buck is Buck”.

“But I... I haven’t finished reading the book to him,” Christopher adds with his trembling voice. “I pro─promised to read it to him, to finish it... few pages... only one chapter to go”.

And Eddie doesn’t know what to say, and just hugs him before looking at Maddie. And then move his gaze to something else, anything else.

And then he hears footsteps, a brisk, quick step. A nurse who enters the waiting room. “Family of an Evan Buckley?”.

And Eddie looks at Maddie and silently entrusts Christopher to her. “I’m going to talk to the doctor, okay? I’ll be right back, stay with aunt Maddie, the others are coming soon,” he adds before reaching the nurse.

And he pretends not to feel that emptiness, which falls upon him as soon as he lets go of his son.

The nurse walks quickly towards the panic doors of the ICU and hurries to say many things, she speaks all out of breath, but the only thing he can understand is that the doctor, the one whose name Eddie has never learned, but sounds in a strangely familiar way, wants to talk to him. And they pass in front of Evan’s little room and he is not there. And there is an attendant, who is arranging the bed and has already begun to detach all the photos and drawings from the wall, to place them in a box with his name and a number written in a black sharpie. And Eddie’s head is emptied of all possible thoughts and scenarios, of all words and sees the light fade away, and for a moment it is hard to remember the way Evan laughed, or the warmth of his hands, or the full body grasp of his hugs.

And a small void hollows out in his heart, and then all around it, he could swear to feel emptied, almost completely when he finally sees the doctor, who is at the door of a duty nurse office and is disinfecting his hands.

“Oh, Edmundo!” he says in this extremely friendly tone.

And Eddie remains motionless for a moment, and watches him and then the words reappear at the bottom of the throat. “We want to donate his organs, is it possible to donate his organs? I... I temporised… It’s my fault… I just wanted him to wake up but it’s not... it’s not possible anymore is it? So... please, please... his sister and I agree, if I have to sign something” he finds himself saying, his words a river in flood. “Let me sign, he... Evan would like to save lives, donate organs. If they are still good, if it is still possible”.

The doctor looks at him with wide eyes and seems to be evaluating his mental state. “No... it’s not possible to donate organs, Eddie,”.

And the world collapses on him. He didn’t get there on time. He also failed to honour Evan. Damn it! He just wanted to be an hero, Evan just wanted to save people, one last time, with all he had. “I’d like to see him then. Please I... I have to see him before you put it in the morgue and...”.

“Morgue? But Nurse Josie, what did she tell you?” the doctor babbles, his wrinkles that seem thinner now, less hollowed out, and when he smiles, it’s a smile that doesn’t have that scary taste of pity.

Eddie stops and looks at this old man’s calm face and then moves to look for the nurse who is no longer there. “He collapsed, didn’t he? He can’t go on like this, if he’s got worse, we are ready, we throw in the towel, we give up, we let him go. And I’m sure some organs will still be good,” he continues to say, and his breath shortens in the back of his throat and feels his heart racing and echo in his chest.

And the doctor approaches him and places a hand on his shoulder. “Eddie, breathe. Slow down, please. You definitely can collapse, now” he mumbles, smiling softly. “You should have got Madeline come here with you,” he says gently. “Would you like to sit down for a moment? So you can catch a breath”.

“I have to see him,” Eddie manages to say.

“And you will see it, sure, but now I have to talk to you because I have to tell you things and I have to explain them well and you must not be panicking, it will not do anyone any good if you panic” the doctor adds, with a kind tone and makes him approach a bench in the medication room, the one usually used to put shoe covers on.

“I saw that... I saw that they took his things out of the room. I saw that they have... a box of his things…” Eddie says shaking his head and closing his eyes.

“Eddie sit down,” he says, and Eddie executes the order like the good soldier he was in another life, in another before, before Buck, and only then does the doctor sit in front of him. “Breathe slowly, you can’t collapse, not now. I knew you didn’t want to follow the group therapies that are there to support families... but Madeline told me that you have your own therapist so... you all have your own therapist,” he adds.

“Has he collapsed? What have you done? Have you stabilized him? He... Evan doesn’t want to live on life support... we waited too long and I…” he mutters, standing up. “I must see him and you must... you really must─”.

“Okay you really have to listen to me” the doctor says stern, and Eddie just hushes, and lets his head drop.

The doctor waits for a moment, instructing him with calculated short breaths.

And when finally Eddie seems a bit more in control, he starts talking again. “He is breathing, Eddie. Independently. He breathes and opened his eyes. It wasn’t a collapse, he rejected the endotracheal tube,” he simply says. “It took us a while to do the first tranche of exams and tests, and he will have to do many more and a lot of therapy, physical and psychological, maybe a bit of logopaedic therapy, but... he breathes and is awake, not exactly alert, but he has opened his eyes and has is reacting good, really”.

“He breathes? Evan? Evan is… On his own?” Eddie repeats with a small voice and feels his knees give in, the adrenaline abandoning him completely, his breath breaks in his throat and it takes a moment for him to find his balance and remain standing straight, and he must reach out with his back the first wall available to support himself. “He breathes?”.

“Yes, we had noticed small reflexes, but in these cases, it is impossible to predict the chances of someone in a state of impaired consciousness improving. Some improve gradually, others stay in a state of impaired consciousness for years.” he begins to say .

Eddie looks at him incredulously. He must have hit his head, very hard, this is his first thought, or he is dreaming. “The other doctor said...”.

“I have my theory and I think Evan has heard of ending his life and is back to kick us in the ass, Eddie,” he replies, pursing his lips in an awkward smile.

“And he is awake, like now?” he asks slowly, he needs a lot more time to process all this informations.

“Recovering from coma is a gradual process, starting with the person opening eyes, and responding to pain and speech.” the doctor says, smiling softly “We are currently performing an MRI and a couple more exams. The length of a coma is the most accurate predictor of long-term symptoms. You know, right?” he adds with a murmur.

Eddie nods. “The longer the coma, the greater likelihood of residual symptoms” they repeated it like a mantra, so it’s like a mantra for Eddie and Maddie too. “You made it pretty clear”.

The doctor moves to grasp Eddie’s harm with his hand. “Glasgow scale 8, right now. He’s improving very fast. So we guess he wasn’t in that deep coma he seemed to be, the past few days at least. Or we could call it a miracle. Either way he is awake, now”.

“He is tough” Eddie says a little smirk on his lips, while his eyes are full of tears. “He is a survivor”.

“He surely is,” the doctor hums in agreement. “Okay, now, after the MRI they are going to move him in his new room, in our sub-intensive care unit. I’ll take you there, now”.

“Isn’t it a bit early, moving him around like that? In another unit, he could...” he starts to say, but then the doctor looks at him with this confident face.

“Eddie he is awake, very grumpy but, awake and breathing, and as his recovery proceeds like this, he’ll be up and kicking our ass in a blink of an eye. He can’t talk right now, due to the intubation, but he opens his eyes in response to voice, withdraws from painful stimuli. He can’t lift his hands as much as we hoped right now but does pull away when he is pinched. That makes him very grumpy, so I suggest you not to do it…” he adds. “And we are keeping an eye on him there, like a very close eye. I guess doctor Green wants to write an article about his miraculous recovery so, there are going to be at least three nurses and a lot of residents and interns around him monitoring him. And I guess he’ll get even grumpier”.

Eddie seems to be quite content with this answer. “Can I see him?”.

The doctor smiles softly. “Yeah, you may be a good support, as I said…”.

“He is a very cranky patient.” Eddie nods, his legs now tremble for the wait, for the excitement. He’s going to see him. No matter how big and scary his residual symptoms are, he is going to see him. He has more time, he has more time to live with him.

 The doctor slowly accompanies him down the corridor, towards what they call a sub-intensive care unit.

Here the walls are brighter, the usual straw yellow but it seems freshly painted, and here and there is stained by large splashes of colour which are perhaps stylized flowers. But Eddie’s heart is in his throat and this time he doesn’t want to focus on the details. He doesn’t even read the room number, and he’ll have to do it later, when he calls Christopher and Maddie, because he’ll have to bring them back here, he’ll have to bring them to him.

There are doctors around the bed, and there is an almost sacred silence again. The heart monitor still marks time in its own way. But then he hears it, that sound, a sound strangled like a moan, and then a half-voiced, distressed rumbling.

“You will have to help him drink with a teaspoon, Evan has been extubated for about three hours now, and can’t ingest large quantities of water, but it could give him some relief.” he hears the doctor say before he approaches the other doctors around the bed. And he begins to speak in a gentle tone to Evan and he hears him inciting him with an almost fatherly attitude. “There is a surprise for you here, now I bring him closer and you try to open your eyes, huh? Do you understand Evan?” he then says and gestures to Eddie to come closer.

And it takes a moment for Eddie to notice that his legs are moving on their own accord, towards the bed and the doctor leaves him the space to get closer, and entrusts Evan’s hand in his.

And he does not even have time to start talking that he sees those tiny movements of his eyes under the eyelids. And when they tighten, his heart swells in his chest, waiting, eager.

It takes Evan a moment, his fingers twitching in Eddie’s hand. But then he opens slowly, painfully his eyes. And it’s a bright blue, the one that looks out of the slits, of his half-open eyes. He blinks slowly and Eddie draws a choked breath between his teeth.

And his legs give way to him and if there wasn’t that chair nearby, he would be kneeling near the bed, his face on the mattress and his shoulders trembling with his sobs.

And now yes, now yes that sobs come scratching his throat, now yes that he can lose control.

He doesn’t even notice that the doctor begins to push away all those other doctors, who now move like white shadows in the periphery of his field of vision, while Eddie drinks that blue sea, and then moves his gaze when Evan just tightens his grip of him, weakly yet so dearly. And then he sees the nasal respirator that serves to give him the right supply of oxygen without being too invasive, now that he breathes alone, and chapped lips and that little smile.

“Hey” is all Eddie manages to say and his voice is like a whisper.

And Evan just closes his eyes and stretches his smile a little wider, and moves his hand away from Eddie’s hovering over his forearm until he grasps the lateral head of his left bicep, and it is as if he is asking Eddie to move closer. When he reopens his eyes are full of tears and he looks so tired.

“Hey, I’m here, I’m here and you’re here. And you’re... you’re alive, you’ve been so good, you are… oh fuck Evan you are so good!” he says and makes him a smile brighter. “You really are a fighter, I’m so proud of you. You are amazing, you are… so fucking good”.

Evan tightens his grip on his arm and mumbles something, the sound is hoarse and deaf, but he has always been so good at communicating without having to speak. And Eddie barely looks at the doctor, who is still there by the door as if asking for permission and when he nods as if to say go ahead, Eddie approaches and bends down just to rest a kiss on the corner of Buck’s mouth.

And as soon as he hears Evan moan, gasping a sound that seems almost a whimper, Eddie moves away. And with a not so fluid and almost heavy gesture as if his hand weighed, Evan brings his free hand at the base of his trachea.

“Yes, I know. I know, mi amor. Your throat is very irritated, your vocal cords are sore, but it will take a blink of an eye to start talking again, I know” Eddie nods with the voice so gentle that almost terrifies him, and moves to rest his lips on Buck’s forehead, to reduce the space that divides them.

Evan groans softly.

“You don’t need words with me, huh? You know?” he adds as he straightens up on his seat and brings Buck’s hand to his mouth, then, to kiss the knuckles and the fingertips and the palm softly.

And Evan moves slowly to brush Eddie’s cheek, to wipe away that fugitive tear that has escaped from the tear ducts. And he seems to frown for a moment before muttering something again. And it sounds like don’t cry to Eddie’s ears.

“They are tears of joy. You are awake, you are finally awake.” he explains, the words that roll up on his tongue and he wouldn’t even know how they sound to his ears, as he is busy looking at him, so busy finally feeling him living. “Don’t do it again, mh? You know that I can’t live without you anymore” he adds, holding Evan’s hand in that position, supporting it with his own and reducing more the space between their faces, so as to ease his awkward caress.

And Evan’s fingers tremble on his cheekbone.

And now Eddie looks at him better and even though his eyes are bright and a little wet with unshed tears, and this big soft smile sparkles on his lips, he seems so immensely tired and battered and pale and thin. The respirator in his nostrils must bother him enough because he occasionally wrinkles his nose and closes an eye when he runs his tongue over his chapped lips. But he smiles, and looks at him and his fingers are warm, and the way he clings to Eddie, the way he caresses him, it’s all so reassuring.

Eddie can’t help but look at him with such satisfaction, with such affection, with so much fondness and pride. He is alive. And he struggled all by himself to stay there. And surely as soon as he knows, as soon as they tell him how they were giving up on him, he will kick them and get pissed enough. And honestly Eddie can’t wait to hear him grumble, to see him pissed off, to have to make up with him and kissing him better.

“Hey, you scared us so much, but now you’re here and... you know your sister is looking forward to seeing you and... Christopher, Christopher wants to see you and...” he continues to say and the words escape his throat with a strange sound, his voice trembling.

And Evan curls his eyebrows, and swallows hard and tries to open his mouth, tries to let out some sound, but the only thing that comes out is still that little dull sound, that whimper that looks like a cry.

And Eddie rediscovers himself with tears in his eyes, with shortness of breath at the bottom of his throat, with his breath broken by ugly sobs, and he didn’t believe he had more tears, or that he could cry more. But this is joy, a strange joy that falls upon him transcendent, such a great relief, such satisfaction. And his heart almost hurts in his chest, as he bends down once more to kiss him slowly. And Evan curls his station shirt between his fingers, as if to mimic a kind of hug, as if holding him tightly.

“It’s all right, sorry. Sorry... I was losing hope... but you... you... you are formidable that’s what you are, you are incredible and… fuck” he manages to say, his lips still on his skin, again at that corner of his mouth and then sliding on his lips. “And you know I’m not good at talking... I...”.

And he hears him make a vaguely strangled but unmistakable sound. It’s his laugh, although it doesn’t seem like a laugh at the moment, but that’s definitely a chuckle, pleased and mocking.

Eddie pulls himself up and collects his face in his hands . “Argh, you laugh huh?”.

Evan closes his eyes with some satisfaction and curls his lips in one of his wry smiles.

“You make fun of me, you’re terrible!” Eddie grumbles and still has tears in his eyes but he laughs and it seems an eternity that didn’t happen, that he didn’t laugh. “I have to go tell your sister you’re awake, I have to tell Christopher!” he says, and he already knows that Christopher will want to see him, but maybe it’s not the time yet, maybe Evan is too tired, but he asks him anyway. “Do you want to see Christopher?”.

And Evan lights up and moves his head very slowly in a tiny assent.

“So I’ll go now, huh? I’ll be right back, stay awake, will you? Did you understand? Don’t try anything, no funny business, Evan. You know I’m old and my heart doesn’t hold up this time.” he mutters bending over to give him another little kiss on the edge of his forehead before entrusting him to the doctor.

The doctor just smiles at him, in such a paternal way. And Eddie must definitely learn his name, at some point, months have passed and he still can’t associate his face with a name.

But it has other priorities now, definitely other priorities. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to call Maddie, can I get her here? With our son, he... he... can our son come here? Or is it too early? Surely Buck, Evan would like it...”.

“He definitely can,” the doctor says, smiling. “We continue with the last battery tests for now. And then I talk to the nurses, I guess you will stay here to keep him company in the next evenings,”.

Eddie nods vigorously, his eyes burning at the mere idea of ​​having more time, more time to live with him. Time.

Before going, he takes another look at the bed. Evan still has his eyes open and still seems focused on him, and slowly waves his fingers as if to greet him. And Eddie feels the tears rise in his eyes as he waves back, what he does with Christopher, repeatedly closing his fingers of his right hand, before jumping into the corridor.

He repeats the road by heart and gradually his breath becomes shorter. He still has to carburate, he still has to understand, he still has to actually assimilate that information.

And every step he thinks and rethinks, that they were giving up on him, that they were letting him go, that they were throwing in the towel. And Evan who is so stubborn, tenacious, a fighter and has some pretty hard bark on him, has surprised them once again.

And his heart becomes small in his chest.

He wipes his tears again, which seem to not want to stop gushing, before reaching the waiting room.

“Eddie!” Maddie still has Christopher in her arms, and his son is still clutching the book to his chest.

“Hey!” he mumbles, sniffing, but smiling. And he bends down to reach for Christopher, without doing much if not spreading his arms and waiting for his kid to hug him.

“The others are coming soon, I also called your abuela and Josephina, and Carla... I don’t know how we want to organize this and...” Maddie starts to say.

Eddie holds Christopher tight against him and then reaches out to hug Maddie. “He hasn’t collapsed. It wasn’t a collapse. It scared us a lot but...” Eddie murmurs.

Maddie shakes her head. “Eddie he...”.

“He woke up, Maddie. He woke up... it wasn’t a collapse he just started breathing on his own... he is awake. A little confused and battered... and he doesn’t speak but... he moves, he is awake and opens his eyes and he recognized me and..." he continues to say and looks at Christopher who has not made a sound.

“Like Captain America,” Christopher murmurs with his eyes big and sparkly. “Can I see him?”.

“Of course, when I told him I was going to pick you up he was so happy!” he says and caresses his son’s face and takes the crutches with one arm but leaves everything else there, the rest of his gear, all there on that armchair in a waiting room.

And she hears Maddie sobbing.

“Come on, huh? We warn the others afterwards, he is having a bit of a hard time staying awake and... he is all grumpy...” Eddie continues to say.

And Maddie reaches out to take Christopher’s crutches and retrieves her bag and says nothing but wipe away the tears.

“Buck is always cranky when he’s sick,” says Chris, tightening his arms around Eddie’s neck.

“Oh, yeah, it’s true,” Maddie scoffs and sobs altogether, doing to retrieve Eddie’s things.

“Come on, don’t think about it, I don’t care about that stuff, we have other priorities." he says and stretches out to her his free hand.

And they set off down the corridor, all the energy he seemed to have lost is in every fibre of him again, now that he is rushing towards Evan’s new room.

.

Eddie stops a few steps from what he remembers to be Buck’s room, there is still that cloud of doctors who are in there to visit him.

“So he can’t really speak now, he does some sounds but…” he says to Christopher, but he says so for himself  to remember. “It’s like when we have a sore throat and we make those weird sounds... he does something like that” he mutters. “But he understands everything, I told you he heard us, when we talked to him, do you remember it?” he waits for his son to nod before continuing, with a small fond smile. “I’m sure he heard you read and can’t wait to hear how the book ends”.

“Can I read it to him when─when he gets better?” Christopher asks, his eyes sparkling and a bright little smirk curving his lips.

“Sure! You can read this and many others to him, he knows that you have become super good at reading aloud!” adds Eddie and glances at Maddie.

And she takes another choked breath between her teeth. “Eddie I…”.

“Let’s not talk about it now.” he replies categorically. “Let’s go in. Then we organize the shifts, as always”.

And when they enter Buck is busy pushing this doctor’s hand with one foot, his bad leg flexed in this unnatural way and he seems really stressed by this situation, his tongue between his gritted teeth and his expression contracted. He grunts what appears to be a feeble smear and then relaxes completely in bed.

“Enough,” decides the doctor. “Enough for now, let’s continue later. There are visits for you.” he mumbles and gestures to the other doctors to go out, and moves near Eddie and Maddie “I spoke with the nurses, and we moved his things here, I’m sure we can paper the room with all the drawings of this young man, mh?” he adds, reaching out to caress Christopher’s back. “Don’t tire him, huh?” it’s his last recommendation before going out.

And Maddie hurries to release Eddie’s hand and reach for the bed. Leaving her bag and Chris’s crutches on near the box with his things, placed on a tiny table. “Hi!” she says, slowly, the breath that is louder than her voice and reaches out to gather Evan’s face and he seems so small, so thin now that Eddie looks at him with his eyes always veiled by an emotion, a great unnamed sentiment.

There are strangled sounds, those of Evan’s throat all parched and battered by the endotracheal tube.

Maddie sits on the bed and takes his hand and when he squeezes her slowly, and closes his eyes and smiles, a sob escapes her lips.

“He made us a surprise, right Maddie?” Eddie mumbles, deciding to stay there a moment longer and give the two of them that extra minute, that moment of intimacy.

But she looks up and reaches out to Eddie, and gestures for him to come closer. And when he enters Evan’s field of vision, Evan smiles and slowly extends his arm too.

“Bucky!” peeps Christopher.

“Hey now, slow okay? He is all battered, remember” Eddie warns softly, before bending over and placing her son on the bed.

And there was no need for that recommendation, because Chris slowly approaches his Bucky and reaches out only to gently caress his cheek. “It will be all right, kid.” he murmurs with a tiny fond smile.

And Buck gasps, and grasps Chris’s shirt to make him move closer and Christopher looks at Eddie with his wide, sparkling eyes, like asking for permission, as Eddie did with the doctor only a few minutes ago.

“Go ahead, kid” he says softly, and moves the chair to take a seat near the bed and support Christopher and hold Evan’s shoulder in his grasp.

So his son moves to snuggle in his Bucky side, leaning close but slowly, like Evan could break under his touch.

And Evan smiles, softly when all the three of them are around him touching him and he slowly closes his eyes.

“It will be all right,” Christopher reiterates looking at Eddie and Maddie with this big smile. “I told you daddy, that Buck is like Captain America”.

And Buck makes that sound again, what Eddie has understood by now that it’s a chuckle and he laughs too. “Oh you’re right, mijo. You always are, he’s a superhero”.

.

.

As always, stay safe and take care of you!

tagging @buckleystrand; @sparksfly-buddie; @chrrlees; @lieselfh;  @themoonyloveenvy and whoever wants to be tagged!

[fallenfurther]

I’m here with you

The final part from my FabFiveFeb Alan series. Yes, I have finally fixed him. I thought I’d better get this done before I started on this weeks whump, i mean challenge, for Virgil. 

Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3

******

John fought the urge to check for Alan's pulse. Instead he disconnected Alan from the pod’s oxygen supply and replaced it with the attachment on the canister Ridley gave him. When John was sure Alan was connected up, he slipped in behind his brother and grabbed his brother’s wrist. The smashed communicator confirmed why Alan hadn't got in touch, but John could still connect to it and brought up the readings from Alan's suit. Relief flooded John and he couldn't stop the tears that fell down his cheeks. He wrapped his arms around his baby brother. There was a pulse, faint and slow, and his respiration rate was next to non-existent, but it was there. Alan was alive! John knew his brother wasn't out the woods, and that he could still loss him, but at least Alan had a chance. He'd beaten the odds so far, and now John could give him the best chance of recovery.

John looked up and saw that Ridley had manoeuvred the ship in front of the pod and opened the cargo bay. The bay was just big enough for the pod, and John removed Alan's hands from the controls. The red oxygen low warning still lit up the screen, but the fuel warning was still amber, and John carefully guided the pod into the GDF ship. The bay re-pressurised and Ridley rushed into the bay with a medical kit and a stretcher. She climbed onto the pod and helped John extract his brother's limp body. They hurried to the medical bay; Alan still attached to John via the oxygen tube. Once in the medical bay they transferred him to the bed and strapped him down. John prepared to remove Alan's helmet while Ridley got an oxygen mask ready.

"On three." He said. "One. Two. Three."

John opened the helmet and Ridley held the mask over Alan's mouth. John removed the helmet completely and slipped the straps behind Alan's head. Stepping back, John looked Alan over as Ridley scanned him with a medical scanner. Together, they peered at the display. Alan's body temperature was on the low side of the normal range, and there were some large areas of bruising on his back and arms. Ridley moved to Alan's head and scanned his head again, slowly and thoroughly. John held his breath as she came to view the more detailed scans.

"There's definitely some signs of cerebral hypoxia, dehydration, and possibly a concussion too. He needs urgent medical attention."

John nodded. Alan maybe alive but he needed care they couldn't give, and what he needed was over a day away.

"John, could you remove his uniform?"

John found the seams and carefully pulled them back and removed Alan's uniform. He folded them and lay the baldric on top, before strapping up the bundle. Alan looked so pale in the bright light in only his black underclothes. Ridley carefully prepared the items she required, so they won't float off, and carefully inserted a central venous catheter into Alan's left arm. She then attached a specialised zero-g saline drip to port and placed pads and sensors over his brother's body to replace the ones they'd just removed.

"I'll get us heading back to Earth. I'll inform the GDF of our estimated time of arrival and Alan's condition, but I'll let them know that you'll be informing your family of the developments. John, call Scott. He needs to know."

Ridley left the medical bay after placing Alan's uniform in a compartment, which John made a mental note of. He floated beside his brother. He grabbed Alan's arm and shook it gently.

"Alan, can you hear me? Alan, please wake up."

John watched Alan for any movement. The sooner his brother woke up the better. John grasped his brother's hand and stroked the back of it. John floated by his brother; they had no idea how long he'd been out for, but it had definitely caused some damage. How reversible it would be, was something only Alan could show him, in the months he'd take to recover. But first Alan had to wake up. John placed his hand on the side of his brother's face, and stroked Alan's cheek where the mask wasn't covering his skin.  

"Come on, Alan. Wake up. I need you awake so I can call Scott. We can't have him worrying too much now. You've already given him enough grey hairs, haven't you Alan?"

John watched and waited. Looking for any sign of a response. Alan's chest was steadily rising up and down. His eyes flicked to the bio-readings on the display. All the basics were normal for an unconscious man. John squeezed Alan's hand, and let his eyes fall on Alan's face. John froze. Was that a twitch? John glanced down and watched as Alan's eyes moved beneath his eyelids. John squeezed Alan's hand again and slowly his brother's eyes opened. John peered into them. They were unfocused and there was no recognition in them, but seeing those blue eyes caused hope to flood John's heart.

"Alan, it's John. I'm here and you're safe."

Alan's eyes stayed unfocused and he didn't move or squeeze back. John grabbed the scanner and scanned Alan's brain. There were parts functioning, but there were some parts that weren't as active as they should be. As John studied the scan it lit up. He looked at Alan and his brother was shaking. A seizure! Alan strained against the straps that stopped him floating about. John kept back and was relieved when Ridley came in. She stayed quiet as they waited for the seizure to pass. The jerking of Alan's body slowed down and soon he stilled. Ridley grabbed a medical kit and started getting to work on his brother. She took out a vial and syringe.

"Has Alan ever had any reactions to drugs?"

"No."

"Good. I'm going to give him a small dose of an anti-seizure drug, to try keep him stable."

Ridley inserted the drug into Alan's system. John took a deep breath. He needed to stay calm. He floated over to Alan's head and looked into the young man's face. His eyes were shut again, but Alan had regained consciousness, if only temporarily. That was a good sign. The seizure was not so good, but he knew they could go away. Alan was a Tracy. He had the stubbornness to get through and overcome this.

Ridley tidied up before floating over to him and putting an arm around his shoulder. John lent into her body, craving the comfort as silent tears fell. Ridley quickly mopped them up before they could float away and cause problems.

"He did really well to get this far, and everything's set for a quick transfer to Earth. You just need to let Scott know."

John nodded, eyes on his baby brother. He sighed and moved out of Ridley's touch. He had to tell Scott. At least he has good news. Scott would still be worried and fret but at least Alan was still alive to fret over. Ridley ran a few checks on Alan.

"I'm heading to the mess. I'll give you fifteen minutes before I return with food for you.” 

John nodded and tried to slip into rescue mode. He tapped his communicator and called Scott, who answered immediately. Scott looked better that he had last time. His eldest brother had shaved, neatened his hair and although he still had dark circles under his eyes, there was more energy in him. It was anxious energy, but energy none the less. It also meant he was in a good condition to hear the news.

"John, we're one hour from take-off here, I'll be in orbit in a few hours. How is it going? How far from Thunderbird 3 are you?"

John swallowed. Time to spill the beans.

"We're on our way back. We'll be rendezvousing with you in less than a day."

"John, what do you mean!? You have to get to Thunderbird 3! You have to find Alan."

John took in his brother and the pain in the elder’s features. Instead of answering John angled his wrist so that Alan was being projected to Scott, instead of himself.

"Alan?" Scott whispered, his face full of shock. "How? John, how?"

"EOS detected what could have been the space pod on the scanners heading for Earth. But her calculations showed that there was only the smallest possibility that we could get to Alan before his oxygen ran out. We intercepted the pod and it was Alan onboard. We're bringing him home."

Scott's face was a picture of surprise and John watched many emotions run through it.

"Is he......Did you...." Scott stammered. John's heart ached for his brother.

"He's alive, Scott. He's got cerebral hypoxia but probably only mildly. He's woken up but had shown no sign of recognition, and he'd had a seizure."

"But he's alive?"

"Yes, Scott, he's alive. But we won't know the extent of the damage for months."

"We'll make it work, John." Tears slipped down Scott's face. "He's alive and whatever else happens, we'll deal with it."

John nodded, fighting back the tears of his own. They both needed family and comfort, but both knew they won't be satisfied until Alan was safely home.

"We need to let the others know." Scott looked John in the eye, a silent message passed between them. 'You do it, John, you'd be better. was what Scott told him with a glance. John appreciated the confidence Scott had in him and nodded his agreement.

"Thank you, John." Scott looked smaller than he had in years. John wanted to place his hand in his brother's shoulder, but distance didn't allow it.

"You're welcome, Scott."

****

Virgil was sitting on the sofa with Grandma. She was worried sick. She had lost her son, and despite watching her grandson's head into danger on a near daily basis, this hurt so much more. This was the real deal. She could lose her youngest grandchild. Virgil himself, had cried with her. Her tears had brought on his. He knew as well as Brains' how much oxygen was on Three. Brains' has given him that look when he tried to ask the question. It was the look that said Virgil knew the answer. Alan wasn't coming home alive without a miracle. But to tell that to his Grandma, the one who'd become a mother to Alan, who'd raised him, alongside Dad, and then Scott. He couldn't tell his Grandma.

Scott had stepped straight into action. Practicalities came first, grief could wait for later. Virgil had seen Scott race off the island, though had grabbed his arm before he left. The silent conversation that happened in the those few seconds was all Virgil needed to know. Scott was going to hold on to hope until he saw it for himself. Alan wasn't dead until Scott had seen him. Virgil gave his elder brother a hug before he left and started preparing his heart for a big brother's worst nightmare.

Gordon was sitting on the other couch with Brains. Kayo was leaning against the wall, while Penelope was on the other side of Grandma to Virgil, holding her other hand, when John called. Virgil was surprised to hear from him so soon, though he couldn't help but notice how emotional exhausted his brother looked.

"John." Virgil said, his hand still rubbing circles on his Grandma's back.

"Hello Virgil." John's hologram looked around the room. "I'm glad you're all here already. I have an update."

Virgil felt his heart rate accelerate, and his hand froze on his Grandma's back. Scott had said it'd take two days to get to Three. He felt the older woman shiver then straightened.

"Go on, Hun." Grandma encouraged. John nodded.

"Alan's alive and we're on our way back to Earth..."

The rest of the conversation was caught in snippets, but Virgil got the information he needed. Alan was hurt but alive. That was all that mattered. Tears of relief fell down his Grandma's face. Gordon was silent for once, just absorbing the new information. Virgil wrapped his arms around his grandmother and pulled her close. Then he let his tears fall. How could he have doubted Alan? Then John had had his doubts too. Alan had a way of surprising them all. The guilt and relief flooded Virgil as he wept.

***

John ended the call to his family. He'd given them hope, something to hold on to. He turned to Alan. Alan's eyes were open again, but he still didn't respond or react to John's voice or touch. John floated next to his brother and took his hand. 

"It's John, Alan. You're big brother, John." John stoked his hand. "We’re going home, Alan and I'm not leaving your side."

***

Scott floated in the passageway of the shuttle. Alan and John were less than half an hour away and he was struggling to hold himself together. He looked at the airlock that Alan would be transported through. He wanted to be by his baby brother’s side as soon as he could. He’d felt relief when he first heard Alan was alive, but Captain O’Bannon had transmitted the scans and readings taken from Alan and the GDF had kicked in action. They had delayed the launch again, but this time Scott didn’t argue. They had assembled the best team of medical personnel who had experience and training in zero-g emergencies. The equipment required to keep Alan stable through re-entry was gathered with haste, and Scott couldn’t help but marvel at the mountains Cornel Casey moved to make sure that Alan, her godson, got home safe. Once everything was onboard and secure the ship took off, only just making the safe launch window.

Scott had hoovered in the makeshift medical bay once in orbit. He had listened to the medics rattling off the equipment, drugs and roles they would be taking. He had watched as they verbally ran through scenarios that could occur. What happened if he had a seizure during re-entry? What was the first thing they had to do if his heart stopped once under the effect of normal gravity? Who would be the first to respond? Who would head resuscitation? Scott’s blood ran cold. These were the risks, no matter how small, that his already injured baby brother had to face, had to beat. The fear in Scott’s heart was real. He wished he could sit with his brother the entire time during decent, however they all needed to be strapped in. He had flown in Thunderbird Three enough to know the strength of the forces put on the body during re-entry. He hoped Alan’s history, the fact that he had done it so many times, would work in his favour. His body was used to it.

As the smaller ship came into dock, the medical team started to gather. All prepared to grab the stretcher and take control of Alan. He knew they didn’t want him there, that he might get in their way, but he had to be there for Alan. Even just to hold his hand. The airlock opened and there was John. Scott was shocked at how haggard he looked compared with the holoprojection he’d spoken with less than a day ago. His brother nodded at him, before floating to the side and revealing the stretcher containing Alan. John started rattling off Alan’s stats, medication and condition, but it faded into the background for Scott. Alan’s pale body, oxygen mask over his face, was all he could concentrate on. He looked so small, so fragile, and Scott had sent him into space. There were small patches of mottled bruising, a line connected to a drip and various sensors. John passed the stretcher to the medical staff, who grabbed the corners. Scott watched the bottom half pass before grabbing Alan’s hand when it came into reach. He pushed himself along so not to tug on his little brother, keeping pace with the medical staff.

They took him into the medical bay and started to hook him up to new monitors, they took new scans and gave Alan more medication. The worked around Scott who just held Alan’s hand. Scott gazed at the young astronaut’s face, his eyes were open, his pupils were responding, and they followed the light when asked. All positive signs.

“Would you speak to him for us? See if he recognises you?” The doctor on his left said, moving away.

Scott grabbed the side of the stretcher and pulled himself closer, so he was looking Alan in the eye.

“Hello Alan. It’s Scott. I’m here, Alan, I’m hear with you.”

Scott watched as Alan’s eyes flickered slightly, and they appeared to look at him, but he could see that Alan was struggling to focus. Scott squeezed Alan’s hand.

“It’s okay, Alan. We’ve got you now.” Scott stroked Alan’s hair, as he had all Alan’s life when trying to soothe the boy. His voice may not have done to trick but Scott could see some of Alan’s muscles relax at the touch. The medic came up beside him and Scott moved back. A hand fell on his shoulder, and Scott turned to see John. John’s eyes were full of concern and sympathy. In an instant Scott understood. John had stayed awake and by Alan’s side all this time.

“We need to prepare Alan for re-entry,” the most senior medic informed them, “would you two please take your seats.”

Scott took one last look at Alan, gave his hand one last squeeze before letting go and following John out the room and towards the seats they had been assigned. The brothers strapped themselves in, both silent. Nothing needed to be said. They both knew how the other was feeling. They watched as the medical staff filtered in, until the last one sat down. The astronaut at the helm, announced that they were ready for decent and Scott lay his head back and braced himself. There was no way anyone could give Alan medical attention during this time; Alan was on his own again.

The descent was routine and uneventful for Scott, and once they were on the ground, the medical team were up and at Alan’s side. John held Scott back from the room as the staff prepared Alan for transfer. The brothers watched as Alan was quickly taken from the shuttle. Scott put his arm under John’s shoulder as they hurried after the convoy. John lent on Scott, using him to aid his balance as he walked on Earth for the first time in two months. They headed into the GDF flyer and took their seats on the bench along the side. Their eyes rested on the stretcher with their brother. John gripped Scott’s arm and Scott obeyed the command, his face stern with worry. The flight was short with the Quadjet landing on the helipad of the hospital. The brothers stood back again and watched the GDF staff hand over to the hospital doctors. A tall confident woman approached them, and Scott looked her in the eye.  

“Welcome to John Hopkins Hospital, Baltimore. I’m Charity Adebayo, and I will be your family liaison.” She smiled at them, “I’m sure you are worried about you brother, but please be aware that we have excellent neurological expertise and he will be getting the best care we have on offer. I’ll take you to Alan’s room where you can wait for him.”

Charity lead them off the helipad and into the building. They entered the maze of the hospital, eager to get to the room where they would be reunited with their brother. She opened the door to a spacious private room. The Tracy name worked wonders sometimes.

“The GDF have already sent forward all the scans they have, and the doctors already have an extensive treatment and rehabilitation plan ready to put in place. They are just taking a few more detailed scans and their own evaluations first, before they inform you of the possible outcomes for your brother. I’ll leave you two for a while and will return with your brother.”

Charity left and John was immediately on his communicator. Scott watched, always baffled at the calm way John could handle disaster, as the hologram of Grandma popped up above his wrist. He rattled off the hospital name and room number and Grandma confirmed they would be there soon. John contacted EOS and asked her to secure a slot and aviation bay at the local airfield. Scott placed his arm on John’s shoulder.

“What you did, John. You saved Alan. Thank you.”

“He would…did…the same for me.”

Scott pulled John in close remembering the time when they had almost lost their other astronaut. John rested in Scott’s arms, exhausted. They stayed like that until Alan was brought into the room. Once the medical staff moved away, Scott moved over and grabbed Alan’s hand, while John grabbed the other. The brothers sat there waiting for the rest of the family to join them.

***

Alan blinked. His mind was such a muggle, but things were starting to become clearer. The colours in his vision started to come back into focus and things started to make sense. His chest felt better, no longer fighting to pull oxygen into his body. He still felt sleepy, but it wasn’t the oxygen starvation sleepy he had fought in the pod. There were sounds around him, words he couldn’t put together, and the various contact that he felt, most of which brought him familiarity and comfort.

He blinked and he felt his eyes open again. The room was dark, but there was some dim lighting. He blinked and blinked. The tiles on the ceiling were now in focus. He looked lower and saw the door. His heart lurched at the sight of a hospital door, causing an increase in the steady bleeping that was coming from his right. It slowly dawned on him he had been in space. That he had been alone. Now he was in hospital. Had he made it to Earth? How? A squeeze on his hand brought Alan out of his thoughts.

“Alan?”

A familiar voice whispered to his left. Tears welled in his eyes as his Grandma’s face moved into his view. He’d been in space. He had been looking at Earth. Now, here was his Grandma, her blue eyes looking at him, and she was squeezing his hand. The tears fell down his cheeks.

“Oh, Alan.”

Her voice was soft, and she let go of his hand and pulled him into a hug. He tried to hug here back, but he struggled to move his arms higher that her waist. So, he gripped her weakly as more tears fell. Alan’s head rested on her shoulder, and as he blinked away the next tears, his eyes could focus on the sight over Grandma’s shoulder. Six chairs, each filled with a sleeping figure. Each one a member of his family. Alan relaxed into his Grandma’s arms, as the realisation that came to him. His wish had been granted.

[elliotchristopherf-blog]

Sennheiser IE800S In-Ear Flagship Headphones

After Sennheiser launched the upgraded version of the flagship earmuff headset HD800S, players expect the long-awaited in-ear flagship IE800 also launched an upgraded version of IE800S. The appearance is not much different from the previous generation. The body is still made of high-rigidity ceramic material. The surface is changed from the black stone texture of the previous generation to the matte anti-scratch coating, showing a low-key and restrained texture.

The exclusive double-catheter design at the rear of the fuselage allows the back wave of the unit to be released, reducing the sound of the airflow caused by the cavity. The internal structure also inherits the previous generation practice. The unit is equipped with the same XWB 7mm moving coil unit, and the extension is excellent! The frequency response is excellent from 5Hz to 46.5kHz. The design of a single moving coil unit can also reduce the distortion caused by the sound split, making the IE800S have an ultra-low distortion performance of 0.06%. In the past, IE800's wire was a fixed design, which made the fever players have limitations on upgrading the wire. In order to solve this problem, IE800S provides three advanced OFC replacement wires at a time without cost, including 3.5mm single-ended wire and 2.5mm, 4.4mm. Two balance lines can be used for more types of front-end equipment.

Listening to the performance of the IE800S with the Sony NW-WMIZ flagship player, it still inherits the characteristics of the previous generation's wide and high resolution. The details are more abundant than the previous generation, and the sound field is slightly better. The biggest highlight is the change of the previous generation. The IF is slightly restrained, the vocal image is closer, the audio is more embossed, and the mid-range performance is eye-catching! After changing the 4.4mm balance line, you can clearly feel that the three-band is more balanced, listening to the large-scale classical music, the sound field is wide, and the extension of the high and low ends is also improved. It can clearly feel the release of the low-frequency dive of the organ. In the open space, it can give a very comfortable energy sense.

The string has a high sound density, clear positioning between the instruments, and good separation. It can engrave the spacing effect of a concert hall in the head. Play popular, rock and other styles, but also have a full impact! Under the low frequency and rich details of the speed, the unreserved release of the music heat IE800S high-resolution strength is no less than the moving iron design, but also has a dynamic low-frequency power, facing all types of music Very comprehensive performance, once again proves the strength of Sennheiser!

Sennheiser IE800S

• Connection cable: 3.5 mm standard cable, 2.5 mm balanced interface cable, 4.4 mm balanced Pentaconn interface cable

• Ear canal adapter (pair): 3 x silicone small, medium, large, 3 x ComplyTM small, medium, large

• User manual portable leather protection box

• Microfiber cleaning cloth

[daarntootin]

I’m gonna talk about A Lot of Stuff

And it isn’t going to be.......pleasant? But I’ve got it all bottled up and I need to get it out and I forgot how to make a readmore cut on tumblr mobile so I will tag it as best I can. It’s largely gonna be medical so if that bothers you feel free to skip. Feel free to skip in general this really is just for me.

So. January. Literally the first of January one of my little brother’s (the older of the two) developed a panic disorder around death. Specifically dying in his sleep. He can’t be left alone. He’s panicking damn near non-stop. We take him to the hospital several times but because he’s not a threat to himself or others they won’t take him past giving him an Ativan in the ER. At one point I missed work because he was having such a bad panic attack he completely disassociated and didn’t think anything or anyone was real, I had to physically lie on top of him and hold him down because he was trying to run and we didn’t know where to. He screamed like he was being burned alive. I can still hear it.

Around April we seemed to get it under some semblance of control (boy howdy when meds help do they ever help).

Also in April I started a new full time job. This is both the first full time and first office job I have ever had.

And then it’s May. My dad isn’t...doing well. He’s legitimately old so that’s disconcerting. And then he sits us down one night and tells us we was told in February his cardiologist told him the heart valve he had replaced like 12 years ago needed to be replaced again. Which is a thing we knew would need to happen but they last for 15ish years so we weren’t overly worried, and his cardiologist told him he had till towards the end of the year before it would be a problem. Turns out he did not have towards the end of the year. He had two months from that appointment before the valve all but totally failed. He had to go to the ER, his legs were so swollen and his heart was struggling so much to circulate his blood that his calves were leaking lymph fluid.

In the ER his heart rate was under 40 beats per minute, his whole body shuddered when he exhaled. He was pale. He wasn’t my Dad.

They transported him to the Cleveland Clinic. They did a catheter to check out his heart. No one helped him after when he tried to stand to go to the bathroom, he was dehydrated, his blood sugar was low, he’d just had a camera shoved inside his veins. He passed out, fell, and he was caught on the very last minute. But not before he fell and caught his full weight on a previously injured knee. He was immediately unable to bare weight. The knee was never properly checked.

He had surgery. It was supposed to be 3-4 hours long. While it’s heart surgery, heart surgery in the Clinic is pretty routine, simple. We weren’t worried.

His surgery took 8 hours. They replaced one valve entirely, and repaired two others and all but the entire right side of his heart was worked on. We later found out during surgery he had a small stroke impacting his right hand’s mobility. They kept him under overnight as he tends to react violently upon waking with a ventilator in his mouth. Which. Fair.

He ended up being in the ICU for just over two months. During which time he aspirated due to a feeding tube moving from his intenstines into his stomach. He almost died.

They then kept him on a vantilator for a full week, his lungs were so irritated from the aspiration and it turns out an upper respiratory infection.

All during this I was working 40 hour weeks at home alone. By myself. My mother and my brothers were in Cleveland. I got a call from my youngest brother when my dad aspirated. I answered the phone and he was sobbing.

I finally got to see him in June. He was out of the ICU and in step down. He was delirious. Said a building was a sail boat off the coast of Mexico. He barely recognized me. He had to be watched because at one point after the aspiration he’d had a tracheostomy and ripped out the valve in his sleep. Despite having someone “watch” him at all hours of the day, he pissed himself several times and the babysitter didn’t notice. Several of these people would use the clinic computer to shop.

Eventually he came back home. But to a rehab center for his knee and hand. He couldn’t even hold a phone in his right hand and still couldn’t walk. He then moved to another rehab center that started him in intensive physical therapy.

One night while we were there my mom was rubbing my Dad’s neck. She felt a lump on the side of his neck, I chalked it up to a blocked up lymph node. His doctor didn’t know what it was but wasn’t concerned by it.

He came home home after that. He uses a walker and a wheelchair still. He has to use a chair to shower. He’s almost the man I remember. Which I know isn’t fair to him, but I can’t help but feel that way.

One night he layed down flat in bed. My mom noticed a lump on his chest. Surgical hernia. We apparently aren’t worried about that. The lump on his neck though. It kept getting bigger.

Two weeks ago we found out it’s cancer. That weekend we found out it was stage 4. Then that Wednesday we found out that the scoring they use for head and neck cancer changed in January and it’s actually stage one? I don’t know. The biopsy tested positive for two kinds of cancer. I don’t understand it.

And now it’s almost October. I have some kind of head cold. It’s fashion week in my office starting Monday?

I don’t know. I don’t understand anything.

I’m scared.

But so is my dad. My mom. My one brother can’t sleep alone and the other is having problems. So I’m the rock. I’m the one this whole family is tethered to.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just under 2 years now. I love him more than everything. We’re trying to look for an apartment but with everything that’s happening I can’t even really think about it.

I’m drowning. Every time I come up for air I get sucked back in. And it’s not like I don’t have a support system. I have amazing friends and Glen is amazing. But I just. I’m just drowning.

[just-a-kj-blog]

I Can’t Stay Any Longer - Part 7

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello! I decided to repost my stories on my new blog. If you have any questions, feel free to send me an ask or a pm. This was written about a year ago, so be nice heheheh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Relationships: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: Reader and Bucky are living together following the events of Ultron and, in the midst of a nightmare, Bucky does something he truly regrets. This follows Bucky’s confrontation with the group. Now, it’s back to the hospital... (Y/n - your name)

Warnings: angst, blood, injured reader, swearing, hospital scenario

Word Count: 3223

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Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6   Part 7   Part 8   Part 9   Epilogue

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<3

I Can’t Stay Any Longer - Part 7 by just-a-kj-blog, previously nenyakj

-------------------------------------

Previously:

Bucky’s POV:

Steve looks up at me, eyes sad but determined.

“One day at a time, Buck. One day at a time.”

Leading me into the quinjet, I avoid the others and sit by the bay door, hunched over, staring at my hands, as Stark flies us back to New York.

How can I face her again?

-------------------------------------

Y/n’s POV:

The beeping of the heart monitor stirs me from a restless sleep. Prying open my swollen eyes, I glance around the hospital room. The only light shining is the glow from the space under the door, the distant sounds of nurses talking quietly the only thing I can hear in the hallway.

Sighing, I move to adjust the position of my butt and inhale sharply at the pain exploding through my chest. Oops, forgot about that.

Oh god, time for more pain meds. Oh but first…. Nature is calling like a bitch.

Xiomara and Jennifer had left, their shifts ending about, hmm what time is it? I squint at the plain white clock on the wall above the sink and cabinets across from my bed. Five in the morning. My idiot superheroes had left about midnight, leaving me to cry myself into a very miserable sleep. The lovely nurses had left about 3 hours ago, explaining that Dr. Sanders did not want me to have a catheter put in. He wanted me to get up, with help from the nurses, and walk the few feet to the bathroom, so as to help the blood flow and circulation. They promised to return tonight, wishing me a very peaceful and restful day.  Sweet girls.

The nurse who replaced them is a very big man. Tall and muscular. Not like bodybuilder muscular but the kind that works out probably three times a week.

I really don’t want to bother Riddick at the moment. That’s the name I’ve given him in my pain med induced silliness. Dude is bald and ripped and just frickin built like a mountain. And I really don’t want him helping me lift my hospital gown to go pee.

Eyeballing the equipment attached to me, I twist my mouth to the side, humming.

Ok, I can do this.

I cheer myself on. I had watch the girls take everything off a few times, I can figure this out. Detach the clippy thingies from the stickers on my chest, tug off the auto blood pressure cuff, take off the pulse and oxygen rate thing on the tip of my index finger. And bingo!! I only have to wheel the IV stand with me.

Taking a somewhat deep breath, I slowly raise the head of the bed, wincing as it folds my abdomen, squishing the bruises and lower incisions.

Carefully moving both legs over the side of the bed the IV stand is on, I grip the stand in one hand and the bed in the other. Heaving myself up, I teeter for a moment, gasping at the rush of dizziness and soreness.

Ooh I forgot what it was like to stand up… c’mon legs, we’ve done this before.

Once my vision clears and my legs are somewhat sturdy, I step slowly to the en suite bathroom.

“Ha ha!!” I quietly cheer as I lower myself to the toilet. I relax and hum happily, taking in the large bathroom once again. I had oo-ed in awe the first time I came in here. It’s larger than any I’ve ever seen, and far more stylish. The walls are painted a lovely cream color. There’s a large grey vanity with a cushioned seat and a small vase of white carnations; a large walk in shower stall with white tile. My favorite thing is the huge, oval, black jacuzzi bathtub, fit with tons of little jets and the floor molded like a recliner seat, a vinyl pillow as a headrest. Definitely gonna have to try that out before they send me packing.

After doing my business, I realize I forgot about something. I have to clean myself. And that’s not happening with the tight wrappings around my torso and fresh incisions and the absolute agonizing pain I’m trying to ignore.

Shit.

In my moment of self deprecation, I fail to notice the alarms going off on the equipment by the bed. In hindsight, I really should have just told them I had to pee and am not currently without a pulse or oxygen.

The door bursts open, lights flickering on, as Riddick and a team of nurses pile inside, defibrillator at the ready. They come to a shrieking halt when they find the bed empty. I have a perfect view of this because I ingeniously left the bathroom door wide open, right in view of the bed.

Riddick turns and starts barking commands at the nurses, but freezes when he sees me propped up on the potty, staring at him like a fucking idiot.

Anger flits across his terrifying features and, for a moment, I think this is it. I’m going out in style, strangled to death by a mountain of a man, on the john.

“Y/n, what are you doing?!” he commands, turning fully towards me and stalks into the bathroom.

I stare up at him, my jaw hitting the floor. I’m absolutely speechless. No words. Nothing. Nada.

His eyes soften and he squats down in front of me so he’s not looming.

The other nurses murmur to each other, turning off the alarms and leave with the defibrillator, some not looking very happy, others cracking up at my apparent “escape to the potty”.

“Are you alright?” he asks softly, looking me over, checking the IV insertion site in my elbow.

Thankful my hospital gown is long enough to cover my modesty, I nod.

“I uh… I had to use the restroom,” I stutter out.

He smiles back up at me.

“You could have asked for a female nurse to help you if that would make you more comfortable,” he says quietly like it’s a conspiracy and widening his eyes.

“Huh. Yeah, did not think of that,” I respond, smiling and tilting my head, watching him fiddle with the IV.

“Were you able to urinate?” he asks, looking back down at my arm.

Blushing, I nod.

“That’s good, means kidneys are functioning properly,” he smiles again, moving his head closer to my arm.

Frowning, I stare at his bald head. “Were you worried about my kidneys not functioning?”

“Well, with any emergency surgery, time is a factor. Sometimes things get bumped or nicked,” he explains, securing the clear square of tape covering the IV now that he’s fixed it.

“Huh,” I answer. “Good to know.”

Looking back up at me, he smirks. “How’s the pain? Scale of 1 to 10? One being almost none and ten being the worst you’ve ever felt.”

Taking a moment, I focus on the pain, my brow furrowing.

“About an eight,” I reply, wincing.

“Alright, it’s time for more meds. We really don’t want that pain level to be any higher than a four. Let me get one of the other nurses in here to help you clean up and I’ll bring you your next dose, yeah?” He pats my arm and stands as I nod my consent. Watching him leave, I exhale a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

Bashing my head against the wall, I mutter, “Idiot.”

--------------------------------------

A lovely young nurse named Delilah came in about two minutes later. She was so cute, laughing and telling me that my “escape to the bathroom” story has spread like wildfire throughout the wing of the hospital.

Laughing along with her as she helps me clean up, I secretly hope it’s taken place of the “victim of domestic violence” story that was probably spread around when I first arrived. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, it wasn’t my fault. But I hate being labeled a “victim” and only being seen as one.

“Ok, girlfriend, back to bed,” Delilah chirps at me, holding out her arm for me to brace myself on. I lift my arm and get a whiff of my body scent.

Oh lord I need a shower.

Giving her the best puppy dog eyes I can muster, I look up at her and pout, sticking out my bottom lip.

“Can I please take a shower?” I ask quietly.

She melts at my look and smiles sadly.

“Aw, sweetie, I wish I could let you take one. But we’ve got to keep those stitches dry while you heal. We can sponge you off if you like?” she offers.

“Yes, please, oh my god, I can’t stand myself right now. Just don’t let Riddick do it.”

“Riddick?” she asks, eyebrows quirked, confused.

“Oh, the um… the big guy?” I squeak, blushing to the roots of my hair.

Delilah stares at me for a moment, then throws her head back and bursts into peals of laughter.

“You mean Derek?? Oh my god, girl!!! Wait til I tell him that, he’s gonna freak!!” she shrieks as she holds herself up on the door frame, laughing her absolute ass off.

“Oh Jesus, don’t tell him!!” I beg, laughing at her completely losing it.

“Oh no. This is gold, queen!! I am gonna write this in the sky! Spray paint it in the boy’s locker room!!” she cackles.

I sigh and chuckle at her.

“Fine, just be sure he knows I meant it as a compliment. I really don’t need to worry about him coming in here a bench pressing me in my sleep.”

Delilah starts howling, clapping her hands and jumping up and down. God I love this woman.

“Oh my god!! I can’t breathe!!!” she gasps, bending over, holding her stomach.

We laugh together as she calms down, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Oh girl, you are my new favorite patient. I am so bringing you cheesecake next time I work, babe.” She gives me a big, gorgeous smile and helps me up and over to the bed. Her beautiful, long black hair is pulled up into a high ponytail, her lovely caramel-colored skin is flushed dark from her laughing like a crazy person episode. But the girl knows her makeup, mascara didn’t run a smidge from the the tears.

As she helps me lay back onto the bed, I can’t help but admire her name.

“You have such a lovely name,” I comment, looking at her name badge.

“Aw thanks, fam, you’re so sweet,” she giggles and squeezes my hand.

She is very gentle as she helps sponge bathe me, cracking jokes and laughing at my own attempts. She doesn’t even blink when she removes my bandages and goes about doing her job, being quick and sufficient. All clean and freshly bandaged up, I sigh in relief and relax back into the bed.

After pinky-promising another visit and a stolen cupcake from the cafeteria, she heads back to her side of the wing.

Riddick comes back in about fifteen minutes later, a huge ass grin on his gorgeous face.

“Soooo…. I hear you’re a Vin Diesel fan?” he asks nonchalantly, preparing my next pain med dose.

“Nah, he’s way overrated,” I lie through my teeth, studying the blanket and not making eye contact.

He bursts out laughing.

“I mean, geez, what’s so great about his stupid pretty face and huge bulging muscles and…. deep voice…” I trail off, not able to keep a smile off my face, peeking up at him.

He shakes his head, chuckling, and looks over at me.

“Whatever you say, Y/n,” he says in a deep voice, smirking and lifting an eyebrow at me.

I blush bright red and snort into a fit of giggles.

As he shoots the dose into my IV, we laugh and talk about our favorite Riddick movie, favorite lines, even arguing over which female character was the better choice for him: Fry or Dahl. My personal fave is Dahl, she kicks ass and I love Battlestar Galactica. Which transcended into a whole new conversation.

After about 20 minutes of straight up sci-fi talk with this total hunk of a man, he apologizes and promises to return later, maybe bringing a few dvds for me to pass my time with.

The sun is rising as the pain meds hit me, the warmth spreading through my limbs and curling around my stomach. As I doze off, I wonder where my team of superheroes are… and if Bucky is ok.

--------------------------------------

Shouting jerks me out of my happy warm slumber, startling me awake and sending my heart into a crazy fast rhythm. Bright sunlight peeking through the closed curtains momentarily blinds me as I blink into wakefulness.

Glancing at the clock, I see more than a few hours have passed. It’s 8:30 in the morning and people are running past my door, yelling stuff I can’t hear.

Scooting up, I raise the head of my bed, eyes focused on the door.

Heart hammering, the beeps sounding loud and fast from the heart monitor, I take in deep breaths, trying to calm myself, while wondering what the hell is going on.

I jump out of my skin when something bangs against the door, something that sounds almost metallic. Straining my ears, I gasp when I pick up Nat’s voice, growling at someone.

“He needs to see her, he needs to--”

“I don’t give a shit what he needs, ma’am,” a strange voice barks back. “I was given specific orders not to allow Sergeant Barnes anywhere near this room. I was even ordered to shoot on sight.”

More shouting and arguing follows that as my eyes widen, my hand grasping at my chest, wincing. I look down at myself, Buck’s purple-black handprint bruise peeking out from under the bandages covering me from chest to a few inches above my navel.

Thoughts fly through my head.

He’s here. Nat says he needs to see me. Why?? Do I want to see him? He said he doesn’t love me anymore. He said to stay the fuck away from him.

That he can’t stay any longer.

The door handle twisting jerks me out of my spiralling thoughts and I jump, jerking the blankets to cover my chest.

“Y/n?” Steve whispers into the room.

“Steve.” I relax a smidge, taking a deep breath, “What’s going on?”

Steve slides into the room, closing the door firmly behind him and turns on the overhead lights. My eyes widen as I take in his appearance. His cheek is bruised, his pants are scuffed with dirt and… a few pine needles are poking out of the khaki fabric around his ankles.

I straighten up fast, ignoring the pain dulled by the meds.

“Steve, jesus, what happened??” I cry out, swinging my legs over the side of the bed, wanting to rush to him and inspect his wounds.

“Whoa, hold on, Y/n!” He rushes to my side, putting his hands on my knees to stop me from rising. “Stay put, honey, you’ll hurt yourself. It’s alright, I just got into a tussle with Clint.”

“What? Why--” I start.

A loud thud sounds from the hallway and I jump again. Steve places his large hands on my shoulders and gently pushes me back onto the bed. Ignoring the sounds from outside, he lifts my legs up onto the bed, turning bright red when the blankets fall away to reveal my lower half.

“Oh no, shit, sorry, Y/n,” he stutters, turning away and blindly reaches for the blankets, only to close his hand around my inner thigh. He jerks his hand away and I laugh, having mercy on him and covering myself.

“It’s ok, old man, don’t go having a heart attack on me now,” I chortle as I pat his hand.

Steve sputters indignantly at that, turning his gaze to my face, relaxing when he sees I’m just teasing.

“Ok, that’s just mean,” he teases, still pink and a bit shy.

We both sober up as the door opens again and Tony squeezes in, slamming the door behind him. I gasp at the bloody tissue he’s holding to his nose, taking in his rumpled clothes and out-of-character messy hair.

“Cap, listen to me--”

“Not now, Stark,” Steve stands tall, balling his fists at his sides.

“Oh, we’re back to Stark now?” Tony scoffs.

“What, we’re back to Cap now?” Steve returns.

Tony shakes his head, a vulnerable look crossing his face, and looks down at the floor, then back up at Steve, determined and confident once more.

“Look, I know he’s your war buddy. That you would give your life for him. But she… is NOT… ready.” Tony gestures to me.

“Ready to see Bucky?” I ask quietly.

They both turn to look down at me, panicking a bit, almost like they forgot I was here.

“Y/n--” Steve begins, but is cut off as Nat swings the door open and stalks over to the other side of my bed, followed by a furious Sam, and a very red and seething Clint.

“This is NOT happening,” Clint growls, standing next to Nat, near the foot of my bed. He places a protective hand on my blanketed ankle.

“Jesus, you guys look like you took a tumble through the forest, what the hell happened?” My poor medicated brain is having a hard time catching up to everything, and is only able to process the state of their clothes. Sam is filthy, tiny twigs stuck snugly inside the tight texture of his hair. Clint is covered in dirt and bruises, his hair a complete mess with a few leaves woven in. Nat, on the other hand, is spotless. There’s a tiny smudge of dust on her ass, but her hair is impeccable.

They all ignore me as Sam shouts something I don’t hear, not anymore. My focus is zeroed in on the door. On the shaggy head peering inside from around the frame.

“Bucky?” I whisper, shocked as hell.

Everyone stops immediately. I have no idea what they do or say after.

All I can do is watch the man who was once the man of my dreams stealthily make his way a few feet inside the room. My eyes take in his haggard appearance. His hair is dirty and pushed back away from his face. A large bruise covers most of his lower jaw on the left side. His clothes torn and dirty, boots full of mud.

But I can really only focus on his eyes. Those startling ice blue eyes that captured me the very second I first met him. They had been full of laughter and mischief then.

Now they are drowning in sorrow and fear. Self hatred.

Bucky takes a another tentative step inside, his metal arm whirring from the tight fist he’s making.

His eyes take in my form; the bruise and wound on my cheek, the bright blue wrapping around my right arm, the IV plugged into my left. He stops at the horrendous looking bruise in the shape of his hand peering out from between my breasts.

He inhales a shaky breath, tears pooling in his eyes, sheer agony spreading across his face.

He lifts those eyes to mine.

“Doll?” he whispers.

To be continued...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6   Part 7   Part 8   Part 9   Epilogue

<3

Tagging: @melissa-anne-rose @simplyme8308 @lucian-tate @lovekrystina  @bolontiku @your-dark-magic-man-mysterio @thestrangedoctorisin @theweatherwitch @magellan-88 @torilovelytop @mymourningtea @mcuimxgine @magicalhufflehuggles @ramxna-marxtta @spinsterlocity @blackroseyaz @secondsandstars @the-squid-one @justreadingfics @justareader @suz-123 @papi-chulo-bucky @softwhispers @plumfondler

[bbrunomoraes]

Noise-creating aircon units can be very annoying, especially in any other location in a bedroom or home where noise is intolerable. When sleeping, the noisy aircon can pose a major challenge as it sways all night. The same goes for straightaway in a noisy home office. Even without any soundproof aircon, you can easily solve vibration and noise problems encountered with the machine. All of this requires some investigative work and a keen eye for the details of finding defective parts. Here are some helpful tips to make your aircon quieter easier for you. Singaporeans will find these aircon servicing tips particularly useful in times of heat.

 1. Determine the source of noise

Vibration is usually the main cause of noise in aircon units. However, the noise that all families wake up at night may also be due to other pitfalls. Before hurrying to buy new equipment, first check to see if the source of the noise can be identified.

 2. Tighten the screw

The first step you can take before finding a problem is to firmly tighten the unit. Find all visible screws and tighten. In addition to making the unit quieter, this action will also make it safe and secure to use. Loose screws will only cause a lot of rumble and vibration, eventually leading to excessive noise.

 3. Check if the device is securely installed

This test can be done by turning on the device and assessing whether the noise is due to poor installation. You can gently press it to hear any noise. If the noise disappears when pressure is applied, it can be shimmed to hold it in place. This will keep your aircon unit quiet.

 4. Check the blade

Blades can also cause unpleasant noise. Therefore, unplug the equipment and check if the aircon's blades are bent. Curved blades apparently cause a lot of noise. Bend it properly so that they align or resemble other blades. Once successfully completed, you can retrieve it and test again.

 5. Mechanical failure

Some noise can only mean that your unit is experiencing significant problems, especially if there is a sudden noise of beating or clinking. These noises may mean that compressors, fans, or any other major component are about to be abandoned. Continuous noise should not be ignored, but should be dealt with as soon as possible. If the compressor fails, you can replace the compressor and your equipment noise is reduced.

 6. Routine maintenance

Air conditioning is a smooth device. Therefore, these parts and components are designed to work in compression or in small spaces, which is likely to cause noise. Damaged parts can also cause large amounts of noise due to deterioration. This is the main reason why need to call professionals perform routine maintenance and will reduce your aircon noise.

 7. Clean the equipment

One of the most suitable techniques for effectively eliminating noise is to always clean it up. In addition to reducing all the annoying noise, clean it to maintain its good condition and extend its useful life. To thoroughly clean the equipment, remove the detachable parts and clean them. Some of the movable parts of the oil will also get rid of the noise, so that the machine can run quietly.

 8. The pipe is too small

Sonic boom at boot may mean unsuitable catheter size. The sound is usually propelled by the air in the catheter. A duct that is too small or defective will not allow air to flow freely. The only reasonable way to do this is to change the catheter. This will make your aircon quiet.

 In some cases, noise from aircon may simply mean that the unit is subject to significant wear and has failed. In such cases, alternatives may be compulsory; therefore, call a Singapore professional if necessary. When the appliance is properly installed and maintained, you can rest assured that your power supply will be quiet for a long time.