#AND ALL OF THIS HAPPENED IN A TWO EPISODE SPAN

[yeahbumbleby]

nothing broke me more in yesterday's episode than realizing that the only reason why ruby doesn't describe weiss to little when looking for blake and yang simply is because she thinks weiss made it to vacuo. girlie already racking up seven different kinds of breakdowns and she doesn't even know her best friend's presence on the island is going to introduce a brand new one... please pray for ruby rose because she's about to eat dust this volume

[bugsbenefit]

Mike in s3 post rainfight is interesting because he shows up in the corners of most of Will's shots which is sweet (visual representation of the two of them double teaming all their friends ideas and being on the same page). but that also has the unfortunate side effect of Mike looming in all the weird shots with lines about possession and hosts...

the visual siding with Will is sweet

...but taking up half the screen and not contributing by staring down is a Choice tho, quirky

also no, Mike, buddy, you're disagreeing with Lucas about this whole issue. being with Will is fine but stay out of Lucas's shot then

this entire season, him backing Will up visually is clearly intentional. you can see it in the way it cuts between the two a lot as well. despite their previous fight we're still supposed to see how good of a team they are (talked about this here a bit). the same way El will sometimes slide into Max's shots when Max asks her something, Mike is also there for Will. but WHY does it have to always be with the weird dialogue for him

like here, instead of sitting in the free chair between Lucas and Max Mike stays standing as the only kid. which allows him to keep being right next to Will. visually showing us he's literally in Will's corner... sadly now with the doubled effect of making Mike linger super awkwardly in frames about the possessed people in town and how they have to be careful because they don't know how many there are...

Mike... the ominously lingering is funny in small doses but this is a Bit much. just a little bit unfortunate timing

and unrelated to backing up Will there's also just this super funny and out of place dialogue of Max talking to herself

like this one is Genuinely weird to me because there's no "reason" for Mike to be here this time. or for this scene to exist at all actually

Mike just had another pseudo argument with El about her spying on him and her being mad about the "different species" comment

then out of nowhere Max radios him but doesn't say anything of plot relevancy. Max asking where he is is redundant from a story telling perspective because they all come back out right after anyways. then we cut from that interaction to Max outside where she suddenly talks to herself (which we don't see on ST usually) as she looks at Billy and hopes "it isn't him" less than three seconds after talking to Mike. which she repeats twice for emphasis. she "really" hopes it isn't him

Mike lingers in a lot of weird shots throughout the show, especially in s3. but this season is funny because most of them serve the function of showing how him and Will have the same stance on how to approach the Flayed, so there's always a technical excuse for why Mike lingers in shots that shouldn't actually concern him

but this pool comment is just, out there. because the entire scene is unnecessary. Max radioing Mike for no reason just wastes time. having characters suddenly talk to no one is a completely new thing for the show (also unnecessary because Max already made it clear, and makes it clear again right after this, that she hopes it's not Billy)

just... odd moment overall, this one always irritated me a bit

[perenlop]

im only 4 episodes in and theres so many characters already wow

[girlgenius1111]

Just Admit It

part 2 of do you need me!!

does it count as proofreading if I scrolled through it really fast before posting?

Falling asleep in Alexia's arms seemed to be a cure all- you'd woken up a few hours later and the pain in your head had dulled significantly. Alexia was just so relieved that you were feeling better, and didn't want to ruin your good mood by bringing up how you'd acted earlier. So, even though your reluctance to allow her to take care of you worried her deeply, she let it go, vowing to keep a close eye on you.

You wished that that had been the end of it. It should have been; your migraines were normally really rare. You'd never had more than one in the span of a few months, normally going a while in between episodes. Which was why you just dealt with them; they weren't a common enough occurrence for you to go to a doctor or something.

You must have been extra stressed, though, which you knew was the cause of your migraines. Between a hectic club schedule, and an insane international one, you were exhausted. Seeing how stressed Alexia was only made you feel worse, until you were a walking ball of anxiety going into the holiday break.

You and Alexia had just played last game of the year, a champions league group stage game, extremely ready to relax. It seems your relaxation time came a little late, though, because you felt the beginnings of a migraine starting to pulse in your brain on the drive home.

You were determined to keep this one to yourself. What had happened a couple weeks ago, letting Alexia see you in that state, could not happen again. Even if she told you she didn't mind. Even if she'd specifically asked you to tell her the next time you didn't feel well. You just couldn't. You kept quiet all the way home, heading inside and immediately curling up on the couch while Alexia sat next to you.

Alexia wasn't stupid, and she knew you very well. She knew you weren't feeling well, could tell from your silence in the car; normally you'd be all hyper after a game, changing the song every other minute and talking nonstop about whatever came to your mind. She loved hyper-post game y/n, who always managed to bring a smile to her face, no matter what mood she was in. Your lack of energy in the car was concerning, as was your behavior upon arriving home. Normally, the two of you picking dinner consisted of you going back and forth until one of you was so hungry that you just agreed to something you didn't want. Alexia pulled out her phone, prepared to start listing ideas, expecting this to take a while.

"What about sushi?" She suggested, half joking because you really didn't like sushi, and would normally complain about having to pick something random off the menu.

"Sure." You responded quietly, and Alexia's head raised to look at you, thinking she must have heard wrong.

"Okay... do you want fried rice?" she asked, eyes studying you closely.

"I'm actually not that hungry, I'll probably just make a sandwich or something" you replied, and Alexia's eyebrows rose even farther up on her face. Ordering food out was... your favorite thing. Choosing to eat something from home instead of getting something from a restaurant was unheard of. She had half a mind to check you for a fever, but she was already suspicious that your head was hurting.

She took in your appearance, really looking at you. Your eyebrows were slightly furrowed, as if allowing your eyes to be open all the way was too much. You unconsciously rubbed your left temple with your finger, and your jaw was completely clenched. It was clear that you were in pain. Alexia set her phone down, scooting a little closer to you.

"Are you feeling alright?" She asked, bracing herself for your response. Sure enough, your whole body tensed, and she watched your face as all traces of discomfort were wiped away.

"I'm fine, just tired." You assured her, not really aware of how aware she was of how you were feeling. Alexia decided to push, just a little.

"If you're sure. You can tell me if you're not feeling well, cariño. I won't be mad." Her voice was soft, as if she was talking to a cornered animal, and you were suddenly fighting the inexplicable urge to cry. You want to tell her, you really did, but you couldn't. You didn't want to be too much, and you'd already been far too weak in front of her before. You forced yourself to meet her eyes, willing yourself to not feel anything as you took the love and worry she held on her face.

"I'm fine, amor, seriously." You responded, fighting to keep your voice steady. You were careful not to promise anything, not wanting to break it. You were fine. Your head hurt, and the lights made your eyes ache, and the room was starting to spin lightly whenever you moved your head, but it wasn't anything you couldn't handle. You gave Alexia a half smile, and she sighed, smiling back. You could tell she didn't really believe you.

If you were going to be stubborn, you could be stubborn. Alexia was dead set on you coming to her this time, on forcing you to realize that you needed her, and that was okay.

The rest of the evening passed slowly. Alexia put on some random reality show that she insisted she only watched for you, even though she'd let out comments like, "well maybe if you weren't such a douche, derek, everyone wouldn't hate you" completely unprompted. You promised her you'd eat after the episode ended, her food arriving in the middle. Instead, the credits played, and you avoided her eyes as you spoke.

Standing up only slightly unsteadily, you said, "I think I'm gonna go to bed Ale, I'm really tired." The pain in your head had only intensified and you were desperate to escape to your bedroom where you could hide your tears in the pillow. Alexia looked up at you with surprise and concern.

"You haven't eaten anything, y/n, and it's only 8:00."

"I know, I'm really not hungry though. Goodnight baby, I love you." You didn't even kiss her goodnight as you headed to bed, knowing that if you tried to bend over to do so, you'd probably end up face down in her lap. She looked after you, bewildered. She really couldn't understand why you were so reluctant to tell her that you weren't feeling well.

You changed into pajamas and curled up under the covers, surprisingly finding yourself rather sleepy. Your head hurt, a lot, but somehow you felt yourself drifting off.

Alexia tried to stay up till a normal time, but she couldn't resist climbing into bed with you. At least in your sleep, you couldn't push her away from you. So, at 9, she headed into the bedroom, finding you asleep, head buried in her pillow instead of your own. She smiled, taking in the sight of you completely dressed in clothes from her side of the dresser. She was tempted to pull clothes from your side of the dresser as revenge, but instead settled on a pair of her own shorts, and the stupid fuzzy sweatshirt you loved. She didn't like wearing it, and she hated sleeping in it, but the look on your face when she put it on last time, as if you'd maybe begun to understand a fraction of the love that Alexia had for you, was enough to get it on her tonight.

She slid into bed next to you, fitting herself into the small space you'd left her when you'd taken over her pillow. You had the hood of one of her hoodies pulled up, and under it your face was flushed, you looked warm, so she carefully pulled the hood down, allowing fresh air to hit your face and hopefully cool you down. You grumbled slightly, shifting over until you were practically laying on top of your girlfriend. Alexia held in a laugh, and snuggled into you. She felt sleep tugging at her, and she hoped when you both woke up in the morning, you'd feel better.

-----

You didn't. You woke up only a few hours after Alexia had come to bed, in blinding pain. Your head had never hurt this bad before, no migraine had every felt this intense. You knew you should do something, wake Alexia up probably, but you really couldn't move. You were laid on top of Alexia, head tucked into her neck. She was sound asleep, one arm wrapped around you, holding you securely against her. You tried to shift, just a little, but the slight movement intensified the pain in your head, until you were biting your lip to keep from crying out. You couldn't stop the tears, though, and they fell steadily onto Alexia's neck.

Alexia woke to the sensation of something wet on her neck. She was incredibly groggy, and she just barely registered that you were laying against her.

"Why is my neck wet?" She grumbled, speaking in her normal voice, although much more garbled than normal. At the volume of her voice in your ear, you let out a whimper of pain, unable to contain it.

Alexia was fully awake in a second, remembering that you'd gone to bed not feeling well, the sound you'd just made alerting her to the fact that you were silently crying into her skin. She didn't move though, only starting to rub your back softly.

"Hey, bebé, what is it?" she cooed, keeping her voice at a whisper. You didn't respond, shoulder still shaking with silent cries, and she grew even more concerned. "Please tell me what's wrong, I can't help unless you tell me," she pleaded.

The desperation in her voice got to you, and you managed to roll yourself off of her, onto your back, with minimal sounds of discomfort. Alexia rolled onto her side, propping herself up on her elbow to look down at you. She kept her touch feather light as the pads of her fingers lightly wiped away the tears on your face.

"Open your eyes for me, please?" You did as she asked, thankful for the darkness. Your face was screwed up with pain, eyes red and puffy from crying. "Now tell me what's hurting," she said, because there was no question you were in pain.

Your bottom lip trembled as you looked up at Alexia, trying to find the words to express what was going on.

"M-my head," you told her, voice breaking as you spoke through your tears. "Migraine. Really bad."

"Oh, bebé, I'm so sorry. What can I get you? Medicine? An ice pack? Anything," she seemed so eager to help, to fix it, and you felt even worse about what you were about to say.

You'd never felt this bad before. You could barely think. What few thoughts you could form, all told you that you needed to go to the hospital. You knew once the words were out of your mouth, Alexia would freak out, and there'd be no going back. You took a deep breath, closing your eyes, before speaking.

"Ale, you need to take me to the hospital." She was silent for a few moments, and you opened your eyes again to look at her. The fear painted across her face was horrifying.

Your words stunned her. For you, stubborn, independent you, to tell her she needed to take you to the hospital, you must have been in indescribable pain. She allowed herself to panic for only a moment, before she took a deep breath, and burst into action.

"Okay, hospital, I can do that. Should I call an ambulance?" She tried to sound more put together than she felt.

"No, too loud. Drive me?" You were back to speaking in half sentences. She would drive you, she really would, but she took one look at her hands, shaking uncontrollably in panic, and she knew she shouldn't get behind the wheel of the car. Maybe she should have been better in a crisis, maybe she would have been if it had been anyone else. But it was you, and you were her weakness. She didn't want to worry you, though, and she knew if she said she was panicking too much to drive, you'd worry, even in this state.

"Okay mi amor, let me change, and we'll go." You mumbled an agreement, and she climbed out of bed, grabbing her phone. She headed into the closet, shutting the door behind her before flicking the light on. She dialed quickly hoping to god that Mapi had her ringer on.

"This better be good Putellas, I swear." Mapi's voice came over the line, grumpy and harsh.

"Mapi, I need you to drive me and y/n to the hospital." Alexia felt tears pricking her eyes, and she blinked them away, knowing she needed to keep it together.

"Por qué?!" Mapi responded, sounding much more awake. Alexia heard shuffling over the phone, and a yelp that was probably Mapi waking Ingrid up.

"She has a migraine and she said it's really bad and she needs to go to the hospital."

"She asked to go?" Mapi sounded surprised.

"Si."

"Shit, okay we're coming now, we'll be there in a couple minutes." Like Alexia, Mapi recognized how bad you must have been feeling if you had asked to go to the hospital. Neither of them had ever been so grateful to live so close to each other before.

Alexia headed back into the bedroom, having changed while on the phone into sweatpants and a t-shirt, and leaned down to kiss your forehead.

"Mapi's coming to drive us, she'll be here in a minute. I'm gonna pick you up to carry you to the car now, vale?" She whispered the words against your forehead.

You replied with a soft, "Okay," pain lacing your voice. You didn't care that Alexia had called Mapi, you didn't care about anything as long as you didn't have to go in an ambulance with the sirens on. As carefully as one would pick up a newborn baby, Alexia gathered you into her arms, holding you tight against her, carrying you out of the room and to the front door. It opened right as she got to it, and Ingrid was standing in front of her, spare key in hand, hair sleep tousled, but looking alert.

"Take her to the car, I'll grab your wallet and keys," Alexia nodded, sliding on shoes before heading out the door, thanking the universe that she had such good friends. Mapi was waiting by car, pulling the door open, wordlessly helping Alexia slide into the backseat. You sat sideways on Alexia's lap, head tucked back into her neck as your tears hit her skin over and over. You clung to her tightly, hands fisted in her shirt, as you tried to stop yourself from sobbing loudly. The walk to the car had been enough to almost make you pass out, but you'd held on to consciousness.

Ingrid climbed into the front seat then, quietly telling Alexia she'd locked the door behind her. Mapi pulled the car out of the driveway, looking in the rearview mirror every so often, studying your form curled up against Alexia. She'd never seen you like this, and she'd never seen Alexia this panicked either. Ingrid was thinking the same thing, and she reached a hand back, giving Alexia's knee a squeeze.

"Everything is gonna be fine, the doctors will know what to do, they'll fix her up fast." Ingrid kept her voice low and reassuring. Alexia nodded, slightly frantically, holding you tighter against her.

The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever, Mapi taking care to drive as carefully as possible, since every jerk the car made caused a whimper of pain to spill from your lips. Alexia paid no attention to the dark city passing her by, her only focus on you in her arms.

Mapi pulled the car right up in front of the doors to the emergency room, and Ingrid was flying out of the car, opening up the door and helping Alexia get you out. Mapi drove off to park the car, while Ingrid walked the two of you inside. Luckily, it was pretty empty, and the nurses ushered Alexia to put you down on a bed in a room almost instantly. She explained the situation, as you were clearly in too much pain to speak, and the nurses were nodding, hooking you up to all sorts of things, before telling Alexia to wait in the waiting room until they had run some tests.

She hesitated, looking desperately at you. You looked so small in the hospital bed, eyes squeezed tightly shut against the harsh lights, hands balled into fists. There were 5 people working over you, all seemed calm and not worried, but Alexia still had to fight the urge to climb into the bed with you, and pull you into your arms until you stopped crying. She felt a hand on her arm, tugging her into the hallway.

"C'mon. She'll be okay, you need to let them work though." Ingrid stated, encouraging Alexia to follow her out into the hall. With one last look at you, she let Ingrid pull her out of the room and walk her back to the waiting room. They found Mapi there, arguing with the nurse at the desk, trying to figure out where you went.

Alexia took a seat in a chair, sighing heavily, and burying her face in her hands. Ingrid and Mapi exchanged a look, taking seats on either side of their captain. Mapi rested her hand on Alexia's back, and was startled when she heard Alexia sniffle into her hands.

Ingrid rolled her eyes at the look on Mapi's face, who looked completely stunned to see her best friend crying. Sure, Alexia never cried, ever, but this situation definitely warranted it.

"She's gonna be fine, Ale. She's in a lot of pain, but thats how migraines work. They'll give her something for it, make sure nothing else is going on, and discharge her." Ingrid told her, clearly trying to make Alexia feel better.

"She's right. Y/n has had a stressful month, this is just her body reacting to it. She'll be fine." Mapi continued, pulling herself together enough to comfort her friend.

Alexia lifted her head then, and both other girls wanted to cry themselves at the look on her face.

"I've never seen her in that much pain before. And for her to ask me to take her to the hospital, she must have been in so much pain." Alexia's voice was shaking when she spoke, wiping her face with her hands to rid it of tears. Mapi and Ingrid looked at her sympathetically.

"I know, but they've probably already got her all drugged out, she's probably not even in any pain anymore. She's funny on pain meds, remember when she got her wisdom teeth out?" Mapi tried to lighten the mood. Alexia smiled slightly, remembering how goofy you'd been. Her friends had helped, she felt marginally better.

And Mapi was right. The doctors had ruled out any serious brain issues, and given you a nice big dose of painkillers. You felt the ache in your head fade as you yourself drifted off again. Your last thought before you fell asleep was that you hoped they'd let Alexia back soon, and that she'd brought the fuzzy sweatshirt she wore to bed, because you were kind of cold.

-----

When you woke, it took you a few minutes to remember where you were. Your brain felt heavy, but not in the painful way it had before. You tried to blink your eyes open, but they weren't really cooperating yet. You tried to bring a hand up to rub at them, only to find that you couldn't move your right arm at all. Using your left hand, despite the IV, you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes, and cracked them open. You looked down to see what had taken your arm hostage, and found Alexia passed out on it. Her cheek was smushed up against your sheets, both arms wrapped around your one, while her hand somehow held tightly to yours.

You were suddenly overwhelmed; by both the love you felt for the girl laying at your bedside, and the love you felt from her. Tears sprung to your eyes again, and you sighed, slightly annoyed with the amount you'd been crying recently. She stirred at the slight sound you made, eyes blinking open, slightly confused, before she shot straight up in her seat. Her hands released yours, and they hovered frantically over you, as her mouth opened and closed. She was groggy from sleep, and alarmed that you were crying, and her brain was not moving fast enough to decide on a course of action. It would have been funny if she hadn't looked so panicked.

She found her voice then, raising her hands to cradle your cheeks. "Are you in pain? Why are you crying? I should call the doctor, let me find a nurse," her words came out a mile a minute, and you smiled at her, placing your hands over hers.

"Relax, amor. I'm not in pain, sit back down." She looked at you doubtfully, slowly sitting back in her chair.

"If you aren't in pain, why are you crying?" She asked. She was surprised when you blushed, no longer meeting her eyes.

"I just woke up and you were here with me, and... I don't know. It was overwhelming. In a good way. I just love you, a lot." You stuttered through the sentence, before lifting your eyes to meet hers again. her gaze had softened, and you melted at the look on her face.

She pulled you in then, pressing a bruising kiss to your lips. She pulled back after a minute, peppering little kisses all across your face until you were laughing, and she had cracked a smile. Quickly, though, her face turned serious again.

"Of course I was here when you woke up. Where else would I be?" She asked, seeming genuinely unsure of where else she would possibly have been.

"I don't know. You still surprise me sometimes, with how much you care. I don't always expect it." You responded. You weren't sure if you were just feeling sappy, or if the drugs were making you talk, but you found yourself overly willing to be honest with her.

"Bebé, why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling well last night?" She replied, eyes searching yours.

"I didn't want to bother you, you were tired too. And, I guess I'm just worried."

"Worried about what?"

You took a deep breath, picking at a stray thread of the thin blanket laying across your legs. "Worried that if I let you see me like that, all weak, you won't want me anymore. Why would you want to take care of me?"

Alexia was quiet after you spoke, and you made yourself look back up at her. She looked like she was thinking hard.

"Nothing you could ever do would be too much for me. Nothing. Not being sick, or in pain, or sad, or angry. I want you just as much then as I do when you're happy. And I always want to take care of you. You are mi niña bonita y perfecta. I want everything with you, even the stuff that isn't so fun." She spoke slowly, determined that you catch every word. "Okay?"

You swallowed the lump in your throat, and nodded. "Okay. I promise to try to do better, and let you help me." You figured it was the least you could do, after the little speech she just made. A speech that made you want to run home and grab the ring you'd hidden in the back of your closet, and ask her, right then and there.

Alexia smiled, satisfied, leaning in to kiss you again. You asked her what the doctor had said, and she told you that he thought you hadn't rested enough after the last migraine, and you'd obviously been extra stressed recently. That, combined with the lack of sleep you'd been getting due to early trainings and late nights filled with... other forms of exercise with Alexia, had compounded to give you the migraine you'd experienced.

He recommended a neurologist, who could help you manage them, and also that you find a better way to deal with your stress than... not dealing with it at all. You were free to go once the drugs wore off though. Alexia made you promise to see the neurologist before she brought up the topics of visitors.

"Ingrid and Mapi are still in the waiting room. They were both pretending not to be worried but Mapi has been pacing pretty much since we got here, and Ingrid's gotten all snippy, the way she does when she's worried." You laughed, picturing the scene clearly. You told her to go get them, and she left to do so.

While she was gone, you thought about that ring in your closet again. You had big plans for it over the summer, but you wondered if maybe you couldn't wait until then. You might have to plan something sooner, or risk blurting it out while waiting for the right time. Either way, you were more sure than ever that Alexia was it for you, and more convinced that you'd ever been that you were it for her.

[goldsbitch]

Just don't talk---

-to me.

p4 to Just don't talk

summary: Enemies to lovers on steroids. Y/N unknowingly crosses a line, making it impossible for Lando to continue their little affair.

warnings: cursing, typos

Sometimes, the world of F1 really required one to grow up fast. Y/N had noticed strange looks from few of the team members during meetings and sessions for the whole week. She tried not to give it much thought - that was until her manager called, on a late Wednesday evening and broke the news. There were serious talks of her being replaced by someone, who used to drive for her team before and wanted back. She, as an average rookie, couldn't stand a chance and couldn't possibly play the "female driver" card (which she hated anyway). The phone call with her manager was a hard one, nothing seemed to be confirmed, but her pro active guardian angel worked on having enough close friendships around the team to know the news before it got to be known around the paddock. Her heart was racing for life, hand shaking, mind running wild. This couldn't be happening. They can't just drop her out of nowhere, she tried to convince herself.

She lived in this uncertainty for three days, constantly in contact with her own team, focusing on not failing at her job, completely ignoring any texts or calls from people outside her comfort zone. Yet, she didn't hesitate to schedule a hook up with Lando. A break though came when her manager called, informing her that she currently in negotiations with another f1 team for potential transfer, she called it a "just in case" back up, but sounded a little too excited for it being a back up team. Even when Y/N begged to know what team that was, her manager did not cave in, saying it was just too early stages.

//

What a perfect waste of time. Every evening in her busy life was a calculation, a plan to keep or alone time prescribed by herself. Tonight they were suppose to meet up with Lando, in the morning they'd texted about it, he even cracked a joke and appeared to be in a generally easy going mode. But 8pm rolled in and no text, call or even a doorbell. After a half an hour of pacing around and pretending to be busy, she found herself in a completely clean kitchen, finished emails and painted nails. Lando was rarely ever late without a note beforehand. She was not going to text him. That would be too needy. Few episodes of some sitcom, which she had to rewind several times as her attention span lasted about two minutes. Minutes rolled in like a cruel indicator of how much she took as a given that they'd see each other. How much it wasn't on the table that he would ditch her. At some point, she had to come to terms with it. But nobody was there to force to admit that she felt a strange hollow feeling in her stomach. She pushed all thoughts into the back of her head and focused on her next racing plan. That's what she was suppose to be anyway. She might face being replaced out of nowhere, she had to be at her best game. Only when she lost the option of the only distraction that seemed to work in the form of Lando's smirk, she realized how much tension she held within her. It wasn't a night filled with much sleep for her. The late night loneliness crept in, loveless mornings had pilled up over time into a tower blocking the sunshine in. She sat on her bed, second guessing every choice she ever made - was the racing even worth it all? She could have been married by now? What a strange concept. Was she ever going to do so? In a man's world, was there an option to find a lover who would not challenge her and only induce her anxiety? She circled back to her first and only love and wasn't even sure if she had the privilege to call it that as the memory of the slacker guy from her hometown literally slept through their break up. Often she'd watch her colleagues hop on the first plane to spend as much time as this lifestyle allowed with a loved one. She had yet to find out what that kind of a flight felt like.

A whole week had passed since that night. They saw each other on numerous occasions and both of them avoided each other's looks, as if they would turn to stone if their eyes had met. It was good for their public image.

Y/N was excited when her manager finally met up with her in person to tell her about a potential team transfer, should the silly season kick in hard. "I'm not saying anything is set in stone. There have just been few meetings, lawyers checked up your contract again for potential breach causes, so we did some work in the meantime," she stated dramatically over a coffee date they'd set up at Y/N's hotel room. Her manager seemed unusually giddy, excitement poking through her professionalism. "There is a possibility, now, hold your horses, just a possibility, that there might be an open seat at McLaren soon." This came as a shock wave. Y/N always admired her manager, who was always three steps ahead of everyone. Her mind started to race in many conflicting directions. McLaren was an exciting team, definitely a promotion. So was this why Lando ghosted her? Because she might potentially become his teammate? That was just a little too childish of him, she thought, judging her own choices in a hook up "buddy". "So does that mean that Oscar is thinking about leaving the team?" "Well, not exactly. Technically, nobody is thinking about leaving the team. Also, it's not Oscar, but Lando." And the penny dropped.

//

Lando had been in this business for years. He knew well enough what was up. Made sure to have people at the right places, faithful souls who loved him a little too much and were willing to breach their NDA for him. Of course he knew that Y/N's managers were speaking to McLaren. And also why. It took him by surprise, that was for sure. He was a great racer with a big potential. When he learned in secrecy that the reason why McLaren is thinking of changing up their driver line up, it wasn't exactly because of the actual racing, but more of marketing and appearing as a young hip team, it made him furious. Lando had started to become an old news for the marketers. Oscar and Y/N pairing had intrigued them. Of course he wasn't going to keep on with their little love affair. She was becoming a threat, more so outside the track than on the track. He was mad when he found out. Of course he had always kept his distance from Y/N. But this felt personal. She truly was a ruthless bitch, as his gut had told him from day one. It probably wasn't even attraction what he felt towards her, just his subconsciousness telling him to keep his enemies closest physically possible. He tried to hold of thinking about their glorious sex. There were bigger things at stake. He didn't feel threatened. Just little bit betrayed. He had to take action.

//

Once her manager left, she found herself pacing around her room yet again. Thoughts jumping one over another. Excitement skipping over anxiousness, joy being overrun by a sinking fear. She was always going to put her career first. So why was there a sudden urge to run to wherever Lando was and explain that she had no idea this was being set up in her name.

It was a strangely bittersweet feeling, standing at a photoshoot for her contract renewal. There was an unspoken tension between her and the team leaders, nobody willing to talk openly about the fact that they were about to drop her and she was talking about running to different team. But there she was, faking smiles, staying with the team for another two seasons, hating this industry more than ever before. In the end, she gave her everything just to stay in an environment that made her feel just like another clog in the all too big entertainment machine. McLaren calls were getting postponed and everyone knew what that meant, so her own personal team decided to jump for the first option that offered some security. With that, she smiled and posed again. Merely a shell of the fiery girl that bit Lando's arm just weeks ago. All this stress, loneliness and self-doubt had changed the course of her energy.

//

"Oh, you're taking the same elevator?" Lando asked, shooting arrows at Y/N as he pressed the close door button. He had imagined many times that he would slam a door in her face and this was the closest her could get to that. She put her hand into the door gap, giving him a strict eye roll. Finally, faith brought them into a place where they were alone again. "Really?" she said walking in the elevator. Lando tried to be the bigger and mature person. Being around her was making it impossible. He was angry and frustrated. "So...how are you?" she tried to break the ice. "You have never asked me that before. Are you sick?" "No, I'm just...we haven't spoken-" "-ever. No reason to start now," he said, acting as if this was all passing him by. Scrolling on his phone without a care in the world. "I didn't know..." "What..?" "I didn't know that my managers were having these talks," she said softly. There was an apology on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't bring herself to actually say it. "And are you looking for my advice on how to keep the people who you pay in check? Or what is the purpose of this conversation?" "I'm just...I never wanted to try and push you out of..you know." Lando laughed. "That's some severe delulu vibe you're giving off." "Sorry?" she reacted, genuinely confused. "The audacity you have! Thinking you can manipulate the situation better than I do. Princess, I've been in the game years more than you and survived bigger shitstorms - do you really believed I'm here only because I'm a good driver? No, these games are half of the work. So no, I absolutely do not believe that you didn't know about this. And the fact that you're trying to convince me of that is highly disrespectful." Y/N was taken back, processing several conflicting reactions at the same time. The always calm Lando got pushed over the edge. And he was not done. "Next time you're drowning, don't reach out to drag me down too. You should be grateful, you got to keep your job and certainly no thanks to the shitty managers of yours, so you're welcome. I'm genuinely surprised that you landed the job you now have in the first place."

It was a lot of information blurted at her. But she got a hold of the important part. "Lando? What did you do?" He took a deep breath. He said too much. "You will never find out. Now stop talking."

Y/N hit a pause on the elevator. Not that it would help, she figured they had only few minutes extra before someone would be over to run the machine again. "The fuck are you doing," Lando exclaimed and tried to stop her. His hand grabbed her arm and Y/N got an instant flashback to the night he tied her to her own bed frame. "Did you help me?" she asked, anger spitting out of her lips. "Let's not dive into that, shall we? Now, get the elevator running." "I don't need your help, Lando." "This was not any help, I'm trying to keep you out of McLaren, so don't read into it." While that did sound reasonable, Y/N knew there was more. With that, the fire she'd been missing for weeks entered her system again. "Stop helping me, Lando," she said in a serious tone, stepping closer to the guy still holding her arm. She quickly pushed it away. "I don't need your help." She was really pushing it, he thought and bursted. "Is that so! I saw that last week. Your weak strategy and poor results nearly got you dropped. " "No, not dropped. Replacing you." "It would take the hell to freeze over for that to happen, Princess naivité. It was a straight path back to f2 at best. Get your shit together and get a grip over those who act in your name and grow up. Nobody is going to save you next time." She wondered what exactly he did, but knew that there will be a time and place for that conversation. Lando cursed himself for saying it all at once. He was there, lecturing her on strategy, while not being able to follow his own for a second when she was around. Said things he planned on keeping for himself forever. She stood in front of him and he could read the surprise on her face. Anger left her body and suddenly she never looked so innocent. Just a scared girl standing in front of him, trying to navigate their complicated world. The only reason he helped her was because he felt sorry for her. Nothing else. Definitely. "How can I repay you?" she asked, humbled by the newly found information. He took his time to respond. Prolonging this moment just a little. Knowing that soon enough, the innocent face he stared at would soon turn to its usual pseudo-tough-cool-girl mask. It was as if he saw the real Y/N for the first time. "You could stop whining and get this elevator running," he said slowly, as if his body was rejecting these words. Without any other comment, she obeyed his wish. They both turned away from each other and continued in silence. Lando had secretely hoped that she would question him more. She let out a little thank you when exiting the elevator. He watched her leave and forgot for a moment into which floor he was supposed to originally go. She paced away from his as fast as she could. These past few days have pushed her to the limit and the conversation with Lando was the last straw, the word "Princess" screaming in Lando's voice in her head.

part 5

_________________________________________

@scopeiguess @multifandomwhore-003 

[ravencincaide]

The word that made the difference 

Summary:  You knew you had to get professional help even if you did not want to, Dazai’s words and actions made it absolutely clear to you he wouldn’t tolerate anything else, and Chuuya seemed to silently agree with him. Still the answer you got was not for the question you asked; but that one word was enough to make you reevaluate everything. 

Pairing: Dazai x Chuuya xfem! Reader (skk x fem!reader) 

Author note: An independent continuation of Desperate times series, and next part of  Happy unhappy home! Check that series out if you’d like more angst, skkx reader, new parents, all that and see more of what happened right before this scene! 

Warning: Cursing, depression/postpartum depression, New parents/exhausted parents =bad choices/reactions, Angst,  

Enjoy~

Pregnant

The word felt unfamiliar- surreal- like a misdiagnosis wrapped in excuses, wrapped in women’s issues and wrapped in reasons to get you out of the office. Yet it was as if that singular word explained everything you had experienced lately and nothing at all. Maybe it explained the hopelessness, the darkness, the unbearably tense existence that has become your home; but it could not explain the way you felt about the twins. The inability to connect with them. Or the inability to feel any warmths from Dazai and Chuuya. Perhaps, at this point, you were so ruined and wrong that you could not connect with anyone. Not the twins, not Dazai and not Chuuya. 

We think you have postpartum depression

A part of you wanted to stand up, run out of the medical office and into the waiting room right outside where the four of them were waiting. To rub it into the two mafioso's faces that they were wrong. Ha the geniuses were not genius enough to sidestep medical school, and it wasn’t as easy as to use some template they took from god-knows-where and assed you by it instead of talking with you, asking you, helping you. They were wrong- you were right. You won. 

But what was your prize? 

“ I have never had a reason to hit you. You’ve always been a smart girl- don’t give me another reason to do it. Again. If you’re sick- get help.” 

Dazai’s words from a day ago rang in your ears. His tone, the iciness in his gaze as he brought you down to the knees in cold standing water with a single slap repeated itself in your mind. Like a never-ending loop it played before your eyes. Your mind, the twisted bastard, hadn't left the image unchanged, but rather conjured up the way it must have looked from all angles; from the side, from above and even from below. Driving in the humiliation further. Like some dramatic exaggerated scene out of a soap opera, a middle aged housewives tv-series, and the act was meant to be a huge burden for the main stars in season one but then it gets solved three episodes later. 

Forgiven and forgotten.

But this wasn’t a soap opera, this wasn’t some lame drama created to satisfy lonely women as they waited for their loving husbands to come home from golf. This was reality. Your reality- your life. And soon, not only your own. That one realization grounded; it was enough to escape the clutches of shock and confusion and placed you back inside the small, simple medical office and the woman opposite you.  

“ Well yeah, it’s no wonder you’ve been feeling like shit the last few weeks. I’d say congratulations but really— “ 

Yosano’s voice faded into the background again; your mind tiffany twisted, drowned out her words as more flashbacks pulled you under the surface of reality. Simple things, comparisons like the joy last pregnancy brought and the dread this one carried. How caring, sweet and gentle it started but how difficult the previous one ended; and how difficult this one started while the thought of it getting worse filled you with dread. 

Blood rushed to your ears; your pounding heart overshadowed all sounds, dulled the quiet medical office into an obnoxiously loud space. Your vision blurred, tunneled and span. Inadvertently you pressed the fingers of your shaking hand to your eyes and rubbed them, then shook your head to try and clear the dark dots which played in your sight. 

You wondered how and why it happened. You couldn’t fathom the idea that you were, yet again, carrying a life inside you. No, it was absurd. Surely Yosano was mistaken, it hadn’t even gone that long since the twins were born and– 

All at once the reality came crashing back down again. You were back on the hard chair, back opposite Yosano and suddenly very aware of every inch of the office. And the continuation of her displeased rant; the way her tone grew louder, annoyance sipped into every syllable. The barely held back curses which evidently played on the tip of her tongue. Yet she tried to look casual, head rested in the palm of her hand, body language open and turned towards you. But the anger was undeniable in the way her second hand gripped the pen, almost snapped it in half and poured the goey black onto a pile of papers- the results that signaled your doom. “ I told the damned bastards to–” 

“ – But I thought you couldn’t get pregnant at least until 18 months have passed after birth” you interrupted her, your voice a fraction away from hysterical. You looked at Yosano expectedly, begging her for the confirmation that this was some weird biological fluke. A mistake that no one of you could have predicted.

You jumped as she slammed her fist against the wooden desk. 

“ Where the hell did you hear that bullshit from?” Yosano took a deep breath, slipped back into her composed doctor mask and did you the courtesy to reply to your questions calmly and professionally “It’s not recommended to get pregnant earlier than 18 months after delivery, to give the body time to heal. However, biologically speaking, there’s nothing preventing you from it once you’ve gotten your period. Some can get pregnant as early as four weeks after.” 

You bit your lips to hold back a curse, and hung your head at your own stupidity. “ But one time..” you mumbled absentmindedly as memories of an unromantic quickie on the same night the pair returned home from their months long mission ran through your mind. A disappointing act that drove a rift in your relationship. That became a silent fight you never openly addressed; just picked up your things and moved into the shoe-sized spare bedroom. Something which neither part of double black seemed to mind. 

If anything you swore your absence in the bedroom brought them relief. 

To your surprise, Yosano rested a comforting hand on your shoulder. “ Sometimes one time is plenty. Now then to break the news-” She moved away from you and began stomping towards the door which separated her office from the rest of the medical bay. And ultimately, the space where your so-called lovers waited with the twins. 

“ No wait!” you cried. In an instant up on your feet, both hands wrapped around Yosano’s arm. Although she was undoubtedly stronger, the action was shocking enough to halt her movements. She turned to face you, surprise edged into her features. But you couldn’t meet her eyes. No, you did not want her to see that the seemingly perfect relationship had been reduced to shambles. A broken thing which had become filled with responsibilities and fear. The thought made your cheeks redden in shame; never ever in your life would you have thought you’d be fearful of your lover's reaction to seemingly joyful news. And even more shamefully, feel the need to make excuses for it in public. 

“ Tell me honestly Y/N” Yosano’s voice was low, the accusation unmistakable. 

“ It’s Dazai’s” You answered in a heartbeat, met her gaze full on with the most earnestness you had ever displayed in your life. “ Undoubtedly his.” 

You dropped your hand from her arm and brought it back to your side, wrapped it protectively around your stomach. You forced your lips up into a smile, hoped it looked innocent yet nervous. Then mellowed out the look in your eyes to the point the blush looked more shy than guilty. “ W-well, you know, Dazai’s been wanting a child of his own since the twins and I.. just want to break the news to him in a special way.” The lie rolled smoothly off your tongue and Yosano seemed to buy it. 

She laughed at you, teased you for the still corny behavior while lightly reminded you this wasn’t your first kid as she sat back down and began going over essential medical information with you. Information you took in with a smile, nodded in appropriate places without really listening. But who could have blamed you? 

Your mind was for once on your side as it formed second by second a feasible plan for you. Not easy, but manageable. Drunk on thought that you, YOU, the innocent little weak dove had gotten away with such a blatant lie gave you the courage you needed to indulge in those thoughts. The thoughts you hadn’t even dared to think of before. Now they felt so close and so real. 

Although, admittedly, the lie you uttered wasn’t a complete lie. Indeed, you intended to make sure he would find out this news in the most unforgettable way possible. 

You just never said the surprise was going to be good… 

Author note: The first part of this chapter is dedicated to each and every person who thought A Hit Beyond Rock Bottom was not heavy /angsty enough and Dazai’s actions weren’t too bad.

The second part is for us who can see that the reader is strong and it's time to see that strengths manifest itself into something useful. Well hope you enjoyed this and until next time~

Click here for: Part 1 , part 2 and part 3 or Check out Raven's masterlist.

©ravencincaide 2024. Do not copy/repost/translate or spread my work(s) without my explicit permission. If you see any of my work(s) reposted/copied anywhere else without my consent, please inform me!

[schrodinger-swriter]

Prompts 22, 23, and 28 for Lucifer Morningstar please!

Prompts 22, 23, and 28 with Lucifer

I am feeling a little better, compared to earlier. I had plans on baking a banana cake earlier, so if I keep this little recovery up I may resume those plans!

I hope you enjoy, Anon! C:

MOVING IN TOGETHER

You don't have to worry about carrying your things in, with just a snap of his fingers he can put everything into place... Just tell him where to put everything! He already has a guest room waiting for you, until you're both ready to sleep in the same bed. Things are going to be taken... very slow. I hope you don't mind, he just... needs to get used to this all over again. What with having a relationship now as well as not living alone anymore. In the beginning he tries to keep the house spick and span, though it's mostly because he doesn't want to make a bad impression. It happens slowly, but over the course of weeks it gets a little messy due to the man not having the mental or physical energy to keep it tidy... mental illness, you know? He doesn't mean it to get that bad, and he will feel a little guilty if you step in and fix things. It does push him to seek help or at least a better coping mechanism, so at least he's taking a step towards healing... Sometimes he keeps himself in his work room making... lord knows what. Likely ducks.

BEACH EPISODE

Hubba Hubba he's going to be respectfully staring the second you step out in your swimwear. He will shoot daggers at anyone who tries to gawk at you as well... though I can easily see him putting you up on a pedestal, "yeah! That's my partner and they're smoking hot!".. not those exact words, but... you know..! He burns so so easily, you'd think being an angel would make him exempt from that but he just... doesn't tan. He offers to give you shade under his wings... he is going to regret that when he eventually gets sand into his feathers. You both spend the day in the sun! Lucifer doesn't really get into the water other than a quick dip every now and then to cool himself down... he probably makes a grand sand castle! If you help him he's going to want to marry you on the spot. Supporting his creativity is one of the quickest ways to butter him up.

FIRST DATE

He is... an absolute mess on your first date. He's a romantic so he's going to rely on those to keep things moving along, but it's just been so long since he's been in the dating scene! Also taking into consideration that Lilith may possibly be his first or only serious relationship, at least she's the only one that we are aware of... Even worse for him if you are his first date after the separation. He wants you to have a good time, he really does, but his nerves are just eating him from the inside out. Likely for a first date you two go out to eat, something simple and classic while allowing you two to get to know each other. He's polite, and on his best behavior. He may forget some of the topics and what was brought up, but that's really due to his nerves... Definitely the type to give you flowers on the first date.

[niobiumao3]

Realistically, I get why people think the Pabu folks and Crosshair haven't been told about Tech. Taken within the bounds of the show, it looks like NO processing is going on, so does anyone even know? That seems absurd given the time jump presented in episode 1--which is masterfully handled--but still.

Yet Michelle Ang herself indicated we see none of Omega's processing ('there's not time for it with everything else going on') and the episode reviews for 1-8 confirm is it never addressed. That just makes no sense if they've not already been told.

So, they've been told, and we don't get to see it. But I totally grok why anyone not terminally online would be assuming those conversations haven't happened because the show is making it look like he only just died and word isn't out, when it's been 3-4 whole ass months.

In S3E1 Omega is in no way acting like someone mourning a beloved mentor and brother. She is literally not.

This is utterly unhinged writing if Tech is really dead. It erases the grief over such a loss and acts like 'well we all had to just move on' when the marketing was so, SO heavy handed on THE LOSS and THE SACRIFICE. What loss, what sacrifice? NO ONE IS UPSET ABOUT IT OR PROCESSING.

So. Like. They've been told. But I bet he's on his way back in some manner or another.

As @eriexplosion has pointed out, Kanan Jarrus got an entire episode about how he was definitely not coming back. Echo stepped off screen and Omega and Tech had an emotional arc about it that spanned two episodes. He wasn't even injured he was just off with his bro!

Tech yeets himself to save them and uh here are his goggles 'not all of us made it back' is the sum total of our commentary. ?!

[perictione00]

Selfish

Ch 2: Confession

Pairing: Geto Suguru x reader

Warnings: MDNI, smut, fluff, pining, teenage angst.

Synopsis: You left the Jujutsu World behind the moment the source of your warmth turned cold. So what happens when you come face to face with that one episode in your life that you wanted to obliterate? Simple, you reap what you sow.

Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Ch 1

2006

On your first meeting with Gojo Satoru, you concluded that he was an arrogant, spoiled brat who was gifted with good looks and godlike powers. Fortunately, with him came the heavenly two: Shoko and Geto, who aligned with the normal spectrum of human emotions in your eyes, unlike the borderline narcissist called Gojo. Maybe you were biased, but at least those two didn't call you weak when you introduced yourself. It was not difficult to get along with all of them, so in no time, you grew close to everyone. You spent a lot of time with Yaga, who was trying to decipher your cursed technique, which he believed was something akin to Geto's, and that brought about daily practice sessions with your then crush.

Geto Suguru was nearly perfect in all senses, always on the morally correct side. His desire to protect everyone, his unique approach to the whole teaching situation, and his method of training added more to his already mesmerizing persona in your mind. You trained with him every single day after classes, had hour-long conversations about the most stray subjects while trading vintage cassette tapes, and feasted on any peculiar but palatable dish you came across. Regarding your slow growth, his patience with you bore fruit the day you stumbled upon an unfavorable breakthrough. You fainted halfway through combat, yet your body swerved every additional attack coming your way with some foreign cursed energy. He conducted certain actions that might trigger this behavior again, only to discover that you shared some sort of symbiotic relationship with an entity that resided within your subconscious. He surmised that it didn't possess you; instead, it protected you, the host, for mutually gainful results. It wasn't dangerous by nature. Geto tried exorcising it but gave up due to its unpredictable nature while secretly informing Yaga about it.

_______

After your lucrative performance in the Yamanashi Prefecture assignment, you were bombarded with numerous missions, sometimes assisting Haibara or Nanami, keeping you busy enough to miss out on your lessons with Geto. So naturally, Geto found himself gravitating towards you when he saw your bruised form coming out of the infirmary. "Missed me?", Geto asked, leaning on the infirmary door.

"You wish", you replied with a playful smile.

"Ouch... can't recall your Romeo already, I see". Now that is awful because that's the thing about Geto; he says stuff like this so casually, and it hurts knowing well the platonic character of your relationship. You feel terrible for not being a truly faithful friend. However, you have almost made peace with it over the span of 4 months, striving to get it through your head that dating is not the most significant experience of teenage life; maybe it's friendship, and it's okay to accept that some people are just way out of your league. These were the constant subliminal messages going around in your head.

"Yeah, found a new one. Hello husband", you retorted as Nanami entered the scene, and in true Nanami fashion, he took his time to understand that the remark was meant for him.

"So it was a head injury, I presume", Nanami said with a straight face.

"More like a heart injury after your blatant denial of our romantic married life just now!", you scoffed, trying to sound as offended as possible. You found out recently that teasing Nanami had become your new favorite thing; his reactions were to die for, and possibly Gojo's weird tactics were rubbing off on you.

To say that Geto was bewildered would be an understatement, because the last time he checked, Nanami wasn't one to entertain such chatter or blush at unintentionally flirty jokes. Generally, Geto considered himself the most mature of the bunch, and he was above all these sappy-feeling things, so why were several questions flooding his head? Was Geto the third wheel here? Was he feeling some sort of way for you? Did he want you to be this way only with him? Geto waited till Nanami left out of sheer awkwardness and embarrassment to ask if you wanted to hang out with him, and unfortunately, you were not free.

Actually, you were. You just wanted to save yourself from the heartache because it was frustrating how you felt around him. He was untouchable and really beautiful, and your sense of inferiority kicked in every time Gojo bragged about the double dates he went on with his best friend. So turning him down seemed like a better option than deluding yourself in fantasies. What you didn't know was that life already had a funny joke up its sleeve—that Geto had been assigned to an inevitable mission along with Gojo that very day.

2010

Geto was tired of dealing with the spineless monkeys; they were getting on his nerves. Such self-centered, one-dimensional idiotic bunch weren't worth his time, but their pockets full of money and senseless heads filled with blind devotion were. Since their disgusting lives lacked meaning, he manipulated them into believing in the revolutionary religious group that he was the god of. To make some sense of the useless souls, he was doing them a favor by liberating them and making use of their miserable existence. It was always easy to instill fear in the ignorant; hence, his blessings and powers became the perfect pearls in his already beautiful ornament.

What kept him motivated was something that he yearned for—the only boon he had been enthroned with—you. And right now, he was waiting for you to return from an important congregation you conducted to scout some new fools into this institution. He knew you were capable of so much more than just using your beauty and polite, submissive nature to exploit the beliefs of the non-sorcerers, yet he couldn't trigger your fragile state by exposing you too much to the consequences of following him. So he complied with your wishes of playing house as an escape from everything. It was everything and more; there was no harm, there were no curses, there was sincerity, there was love, and there was you, and you were all he needed.

"I'm never going back there again!", you declared as you pulled Geto into a hug the minute you arrived. Being surrounded by silly people, putting up a facade, carrying yourself like an angel in front of all the devotees, a ruthless sorcerer for the enemies, a diplomat in non-sorcerer politics, and a prudent young girl for all the perverts was exhausting. It was only beside Geto that you allowed yourself to let loose, as danger was always on your tail due to your close association with him.

"Come on, I have to show you something", he said, breaking the hug.

"I really don't have the energy to travel anymore, Suguru. Let's go back to the hotel", you whined.

"Please, just this once. You won't regret it", he pleaded, and you obviously agreed. The car ride was peaceful, with your head laying on his shoulder as he admired your sleeping form, waking you up once the car reached its destination.

You woke up to a duplex surrounded by a row of rare flowers and trees, arranged in a uniform manner. You looked around the area before speaking up, "What's this place?"

"It's our home", Geto answered lovingly.

You looked back and forth between the house and him, taken aback. You remembered telling him how frustrating it was to move hotels every week. How much you craved the warmth of your parents own place. How much you wanted to be with him in a place where you could breathe freely and not feel guilty about anything. You turned to Suguru only to see him looking at you affectionately. You could be here with him, and no one in the world would know. Maybe there's a chance for change. You wanted to convey your million feelings to him, so you closed the distance between you to kiss him and let him know, which he reciprocated by kissing you deeply, pulling you as close as possible, and stopping only to take you to explore the rest of the house.

The moment you entered the bedroom, Geto had you against the wall as you wrapped your legs around him instinctively. Nuzzling into your neck and pecking you, Geto felt alive for the first time in a while. The way your lips met, the way you tasted, and the way you were trying to move your hips to gain some friction were driving him insane; it was heavenly. Before he could do anything about it, you halted your movements and walked towards the bed, stripping yourself completely and turning to say, "Suguru, I want you to fuck me".

Almost as if on cue, Geto took off his black yukata robes and followed you to the bed. He was so aroused that he couldn't help but kiss you again and suck hard enough on your bottom lip to leave a bruise. Laying you down, he started sucking your neck and teasing your nipples, going south with every passing second. Once he reached your sex, a loud moan escaped your mouth when he swirled his tongue, entering your dripping hole as he initiated the assault on your clit with his thumb. His humming pleasured you more through the vibrations, showing you just how much he longed for you. "Fuck Suguru, don't stop", you whined out of desperation.

Your moans motivated him to lick your clit with broad strokes of his tongue. You were tangling his hair, pulling on them, and trying to grind on his face, and seeing your squirming body under his control made him painfully hard. Keeping a tight grip on your thighs, Geto buried himself between them, swilling and smacking the slick while relishing his new addiction. Your hole pulsated around his tongue as he kept slurping on your juices, and you climaxed due to the overstimulation.

High on you, Geto had you sprawled on your back in a missionary position. The hypnotic haziness of the moment was too much for him, so he entered you to fulfill his carnal desire to have you. Moaning wildly, he tried to move, only to end up shuddering due to the stimulation. He didn't want to hurt you, but your face—the mix of ecstasy and craziness—was enough to drive him to the brink. Forgetting everything, he started rutting into you with harsh, deep strokes, causing you to writhe under him. The delicious jiggle of your tits allured Geto to give them the attention they deserved, sucking on one while squeezing the other. "Fuck...ngh...hsh... you're doing so good, baby...ahh", Geto said with a shaky breath as he lifted your leg up to thrust even deeper.

It wasn't the first time Geto was doing it with you; actually, he had spent countless amazing nights with you before, but this time was different. He felt as if you both were sharing the unspoken feelings you held for each other; it was serene and intimate. Being a God to thousands yet he found true devotion only in your eyes, where he was what he aspired to be: kind. And in this moment, he became one with you, and there was no beyond. His exuberant feelings were waiting to be spilled, but something stopped him. Was it doubt or rejection? He didn't know, but he knew better than to say it out loud.

"I love you, Suguru...hah..fuc-", you were cut off with a suffocating kiss. Geto's thrusting became erratic as he tried to express himself through his actions. Suddenly, life felt more lively; every sensation on his skin felt more pleasurable; it was overwhelming; he was losing control. You both came together, yet none of you stopped, wanting to stay in that euphoric episode for longer. Geto had so much to say to you, so much to confess, but he didn't. There was no rejection now; however, there was vulnerability, and it scared him.

"I love you", was all that his cowardice allowed him to utter.

Ch 3

[justanotherfanartist]

taps mic. ahem.

help a student write a dumb rvb research paper? pretty please?? for funsies???

This is exactly what it sounds like.

My current final of the year for my language composition class is a massive synthesis + argumentative research paper on any topic of our choosing, and Roosterteeth + RVB has too much messy junk going on that I’m knee-deep invested in mentally at this point to pass up the opportunity to write about it.

And yknow, I see a ton of media analysis posts coming out of the fandom all the time and I’ve always loved seeing it and reading into it and sharing ideas and whatnot and this feels like my way of doing that too.

Essentially what I’m reaching out for is for you guys to help me crowdsource resources and share your ideas with me to include in my term paper*.

things that would be wizard cool of you to send me are:

any interviews or behind the scenes with the cast and creators you happen to know of

your own analysis or hot takes of the characters or the show as a whole

what the show has meant to you

any clips of old Roosterteeth expos

for the older fans, a rough idea of what the release timeline looked like for the episodes and what the buildup and fan reaction was for each one

any commentary or hot takes on how the fandom has changed since you joined/that you know of

what Roosterteeth did wrong (writing wise and irl)

what Roosterteeth did right (writing wise and irl)

tropes within the show you noticed whether originated by the show or not

tropes within the fandom, things like similar portrayals or bad/good takes on characters or face canons that span artists

literally anything you can give me, media, commentary, or opinion wise

(not to say I can’t find things on my own, I already have, but this is also about varying opinions and the general outlook of the fandom as a whole and measuring the broader impact of a show like RvB and it would be incredibly cool of you to help me out even with just crumbs of character opinions)

The idea is to get evidence together from clips, personal anecdotes, and opinions so I can present an accurate read on the fandom, especially when it comes to fan interpretation of RVB vs Roosterteeth’s intentions for the show (and behavior as a company) and explore what the show was supposed to be, what it literally is, how people see it, what its impact has been, and a general overview of the it’s legacy and lifespan, that sort of thing.

My thesis is most likely going to end up something in the ballpark of “How Roosterteeth exemplifies the Franchisation of Indie Media” or “Why RvB is one of the most complicated/misunderstood/divisive shows in modern media” or “How Fandoms interpret and recontextualize media”

I’m going to guess that I likely won’t be able to post the finished paper up online without a solid buffer window to avoid the two mortifying scenarios that are (a) being accused of creative plagiarism and (b) having to tell my instructor that the tumblr account with a 100% match to my course final is, in fact, my tumblr account, are two things I desperately want to avoid.

However if I can, simply for the sake of contributing to the fandom and creating something for us to all contribute to and discuss and crediting various peoples’ help and input would be ideal and, if at all possible, that would be the end goal.

so yeah. if you’re up for it I’d love for you to dm me your thoughts or (more conveniently for the both of us) fill out this Google form down here!

*im not gonna, like, repost your detailed character analysis as my own or something. I’m just trying to find some good quotes, general opinions, and ideas from the fandom so that I can accurately represent them and do our little corner of the internet Justice. And also because the audience of a work is a massive factor in media analysis lmfao. and also to create a community sourced Fun Thing™️ we can all look at and bite the corners off of instead of watching Roosterteeth crash and burn in the backgroun

[lenixsocial]

Watcher (and why nothing matters anymore):

So, in case you've been locked away under a proverbial bridge for a few days, Internet personalities Steven Lim, Ryan Bergara, and Shane Madej (known as Watcher) have elected to begin their own streaming service and ditch YouTube.

On the surface, that mightn't even seem like news at all.

After all, this sort of thing seems to happen all the time: The Try Guys left Buzzfeed to create their own company, Rhett and Link took the dive and diversified into paywalled entertainment a few years back with Mythical Society. Both of which however still rely on YouTube itself to generate views on the main channels, which funnel viewers into a FOMO type situation where "you can't miss" a special airing on the app (Mythical Society) or Patreon (Try Guys).

Watcher, in its infinite wisdom (stupidity, carelessness, unparalleled greed - take your pick) has decided that YouTube is pointless, and has moved ALL their content behind a paywall, claiming that the service was amping up to provide "TV quality programming", leaving only old content and the first episodes of the new shows up on their YouTube page as a subtle tease as to what you could get for $6/month.

It's now quite apparent from reading the comments section of their (now infamous) YouTube video, their official subreddit, and the tag on X that the fans were...not thrilled. The fingers began to be pointed within minutes. Name calling soon after. Then this blossomed into dissertations on why this was a horrible idea.

Then we found out that there was no app. Just a website. So you're paying for website access. Not a full blown streaming service to rival Netflix. Oh, and they don't even have their own servers, the videos are hosted by Vimeo. The deeper the comments section dug, the nastier the attacks got. Steven soon became the whipping boy. His past, his interviews, scanned and mercurially dug up for juicy tidbits (although all anyone gleaned from these was he's rich, was born rich, drives a Tesla in LA, likes fancy food, and has friends whom he values who are racist and possibly sexist and will not sever ties with them).

Then came the cries of incongruity. Shane Madej repeatedly said to "Eat the Rich", and here he was schilling for a platform that cost $6 a month. The cries began to pirate all of the new Watcher content because maybe he was under duress and was secretly telling them to do so. Fact is, I don't know if he was or what, but I'm certain he's under contract and wants his job.

Then came the videos from other internet users analyzing the video, and comparing this to the Try Guys situation with Ned a few months back. Both are disasters, each in unique ways with different players, and such like but here's the vast difference: none of this will even matter in a month.

Let me explain: We are in the total free fall stage of Watcher's Internet Streamer Service. What they do in the next 24-48 hours is crucial. If they revert back to their YouTube channel and apologize, they'll be fine. People will probably poke fun at them, but they'll be forgiven, eventually. But if they don't and they keep on, ignoring the fans, dousing the haters, and make it a month, I doubt we will see any resistance outside of a terse article or two.

Why? The collective memory span in this day and age is extremely short, many have likely already made judgment in their head and have passed said judgment. Therefore, they'll avoid the channel, and the streamer and will be blissfully unaware of any changes. Those who have joined up and paid will remain members, and those who have elected to remain subscribed will likely remain so and will watch the free content until they can afford the $6/month.

The thing is like it or hate it, if they decide to do nothing and ignore the public at large, they most likely will be fine. Maybe they will not have the hugest subscriber base, but people will forget about this. Something else major that is more salacious will spring up in the months ahead. Will there be lingering anger? Sure, but like I said before, these people have already passed judgment so they're already gone.

In an era of "nothing fucking matters" when your choices are sometimes entirely out of your direct control and are (at best) two sides of the same coin, it should be of absolutely no surprise to anyone that there is a fairly good possibility even after all that has transpired that nothing bad will happen. Lest we forget that old adage: "there is no such thing as bad PR".

Personally, I feel $6 is a tad much for a non-app based web streamer with little to no content. It was disingenuous to announce its launch internationally where even more people can't afford it, and some can't even view it. Steven wasn't upfront with who was in charge and now it really does seem like he's using the subscriptions to fund his international gallivanting. It's clear nobody wanted TV-show quality Ghost Files to take place in another country, nor did they want an old show revived with votes when you pay the first month's dues. They say it's a case of Watcher "not reading the room".

[orionsangel86]

I'm sorry but why do you ship them so hard? They just have 1 episode together.. I watched the sandman expecting destiel and it was literally almost nothing there. 1 episode. Idk how you guys got so much ship content out of that.

Ah nonny, I'm sorry but if you go into anything expecting Destiel you are gonna be dissappointed. Destiel is a behemouth of 12 years worth of gradually escalating gay subtext, queer coding, and romantic tropes. Destiel is the ship that people go into expecting that Tumblr exaggerated only to be blown away by how ridiculously gay it is even when it tries so hard not to be.

But remember, once upon a time people shipped Destiel after only a few moments of interaction. The first Destiel fic was written 30 minutes after Lazarus Rising aired...everything has its time.

When I joked that Dreamling was the "Destiel of Sandman fandom" I meant in terms of popularity compared to everything else about the show. The ships share some similar traits when compared on a grand scale - think ancient cosmic entity that has very strict rules slowly changes and starts to become more "human" thanks to their friendship with one dude who just so happens to be a hedonistic stubborn ass who refuses to die - but are otherwise very different.

But if you are wondering why people ship Dream and Hob so hard, well, this post goes some ways to explaining it.

But basically, look this may only be a half hour of television, but it doesn't equate in universe to half an hour of interaction. This half hour of television spans the course of 6 centuries for these two characters. There is a totally untapped potential hidden in the gaps between centuries to explore, and on top of that, the final meeting is left completely up to the imagination of the audience. Its a sandbox ship. Its a dozen fanfiction gaps laid on top of each other. It's at least 20 different prompts for fans to sink their teeth into. Its the potential. It's the what if.

Then on top of that, if you follow the comics, you know that the future Dream x Hob meetings also have a hell of a lot of potential to turn romantic. Dream going out of his way to hunt down a specific bottle of wine that doesn't exist on Earth anymore to gift it to Hob in his dreams, the very fact that he visits Hob in his dreams (hello common Destiel trope right there). They don't meet too many more times in the comics, but each time the tension is palpable. The meeting in the Kindly Ones is heartbreaking, because you can tell desperately how much they need each other at that moment, but they are both too distracted or consumed by grief and depression to truly reach out to one another. The comics never reveal why Dream sought Hob out at that point, but given everything happening to him at the time, its not hard to assume that Dream was seeking comfort from his friend - the only person he could really turn to for comfort at that point.

Then we have Hob's dream. One of the final stories in The Sandman original comic run. After everything else has happened, after the climax and all that takes place, after the smoke has cleared and you think everyone else has moved on and you are certain the ending is set in stone, you get to Hob's dream, and your mind is once again blown, and suddenly you have a thousand more questions. So many fans hopes and dreams rely on Hob's dream right now I can't even begin to express how important that particular comic issue is to me.

It's all about the potential. There is so much potential.

Plus the 30 minute scene we got was loaded full of subtext, romantic tropes, and queer coding. I dunno if you picked up on it, but I have an extremely long meta essay still in the works that goes through everything that 30 minute sequence gives us in terms of shipping fodder (I really need to finish that). Its not just the romantic tropes, the break up and make up, its the acting choices, the eye fucking, the freaking song choices in 1989 holy fuck could they be more on the nose.

Also, consider this thought experiment: Crowley and Aziraphale in Good Omens are a hugely popular ship, where their creator Neil Gaiman has confirmed that theirs is a love story. Whatever else you may believe about Crowley and Aziraphale, their story is a love story. Creator confirmed love story.

Now, Crowley and Aziraphale are the leads of Good Omens and interact throughout the entire 6 episode show. But consider the first half of episode 3. Imagine a version of Good Omens where Crowley and Aziraphale don't really interact outside of that 30 minute opening sequence. That the story was much more focused on the Them, the Horsemen, and the other characters. Imagine then seeing that 30 minute sequence which shows Crowley and Aziraphale slowly warming to each other and becoming friends over the centuries, shows them getting to know each other, do each other favours, come to each others defence, get into fights and break up with each other, only to make up later...

Would you still ship them? Even if that 30 minute sequence was all you got? I guarantee if I asked any Ineffable Husbands fan that question they would say yes. Because THAT 30 minute sequence is what solidifies the importance of their relationship and its what MAKES IT a love story.

Guess where Neil Gaiman got the idea for that 30 minute sequence in Good Omens from? Ah Neil, plagiarising his own work all these years later!

If Neil Gaiman thought that Men of Good Fortune would work well for a canonical love story in Good Omens, I wonder what he was thinking when he then adapted Men of Good Fortune for television?

THE POTENTIAL.

I ship Dreamling that hard because it has more potential than any other ship I have come across. It has 6 centuries and all the future of the Sandman show for me to explore, to tweak, to play with. Besides they just suit each other ya know? Like Dream is notoriously bad at relationships, but Hob is literally perfect for him. The more my mind dwells on how perfect Hob is for Dream the more I want to scream about it. Give the sad wet cat man a boyfriend who is literally his opposite in every way. Dream is a character looking for a reason to keep living, and Hob is a character who refuses to die. Dream is a pessimist, Hob is an optimist. Dream is afraid of change, Hob literally changes constantly with the times. Dream is desperate for love and someone to stay by his side, Hob just wants to love someone he doesn't have to eventually leave.

Let them meet in the middle.

[anashins]

All the Pretty and Ugly Things

Pairing: NCT's Jaehyun x You

Genre: idol!Jaehyun, heavy angst, drama, romance, smut

TWs: several smut scenes; ml has phases with a bad personality; story begins upbeat and spirals to a darker tone in the second half; depiction of past scandals (e.g. Itaewon); mentions and descriptions of panic attacks and (spells of) depression/depressive episodes

Word Count: 27,5k

Summary: He stands in the spotlight, but the only one he's looking at is you. Until one day, the sparks in his eyes are gone and the Jaehyun you know privately is only a lifeless shell of the Jaehyun he pretends to be on stage. Crumbling under the pressure of being an idol, you try to share his baggage, but there is only so much a human can take.

A/N: This is the requested full length story to "I Still Search for You". The story spans from early 2018 'till the beginning of 2023, including real life events, and is heavily Jaehyun centered. The events are facts, everything else is made up - this is fiction after all. Now, enjoy :)

THEN

Hey, Jaehyun.

Why is it that making our dreams come true and being truly happy are often two different things? I still can’t figure it out.

Once, you told me that if you hadn’t become an idol, you would have wanted to be a young father instead, probably having two children by now. I can imagine that very well. You are so good with children, and they love you as well. 

But dreams change. Just like people.

You cannot be a father at the peak of your career, and it pains me to see you giving up on this genuine dream of yours to chase after another that drains you off the light that had once been so vivid in your eyes.

You never wanted to be an idol. 

The possibility had not crossed your mind even once despite listening to that music daily - until that fateful day when you were only fifteen and got street-casted by an agent for your overly good looks.

Oftentimes, I wonder if you hadn’t stayed in school for so long that day, your path might have taken a different turn. Whether, if you had only finished classes a bit earlier or a bit later that day, you would have still run into this agent. 

These good looks of yours was what drove you to your downfall eventually, this exceptionally handsome face that had once smitten me as well and overshadows everything that’s lying underneath it. And there is so much you keep hidden, because to the outside world, you’re supposed to be perfect. 

But they can’t see the broken young man that has succumbed to the spotlight.

All they see is their perfect idol, smiling in interviews, beaming on stage, flawlessly following whatever the company demands from him. They call you attractive, talented, write you letters, give you presents, put projects together and do everything in their power to support you from all across the world.

I really appreciate them for all their efforts, and I know you do too. They keep you going, alive, push you to greater heights when you’re feeling like giving up. Everything you do, you do for them. You don’t want to disappoint them, you want to make them happy with your presence alone.

So they are not responsible for what has happened to you, for how you feel. They had only done their best from what they got to see of you. We all did.

But it wasn’t not enough. Nothing and no one was enough.

Jaehyun, you really wanted to love this world.

And in the end, it broke you.

____

2018

“Stop sulking, put your big girl pants on and come with me!”

You groaned as Seulgi grabbed you by your hand and pulled you off the couch on which you had just settled so comfortably.

“Please… I don’t feel like going out today,” you complained.

“You haven’t gone out in 68 years. Or how long has it been since your breakup?”

“124 days.”

“That’s enough. The fact that you could even come up with the exact number? Chills.” She grabbed a pair of jeans from ‘the chair’ and threw it into your arms. “Come on. Change into it, I want to see whether you look cute in them when we make you presentable for the outside world again.”

“Where are you even dragging me to?” you asked, reluctantly disposing of your joggers and slipping into the jeans. “Will there be many people? I hate big social gatherings, you’re aware of that as we’ve known each other for years.”

“Back then in school, you also hated people, so we won’t be many. Only Jisoo, my friend Taeyong, one of his band members and a producer friend. A small gathering only.”

“Four other people? I don’t consider this a small gathering.” You paused. “Just… why?”

She glared at you. You had never gone out with Seulgi’s company squad before except for her band members and Jisoo, and the latter belonged to a different group. If it had happened that you went out together with her idol friends - the very rare times - you ended up being the one taking photos of them. And you wanted to remain this person in the background. 

Taeyong? You knew him of course. Seulgi talked about him a lot, mainly when it was about dancing and songs, but he was the leader of one of the most popular boy groups in the country as well, so it was a given that you turned keen-eared upon hearing his name. Perhaps, you were a bit excited to go to the gathering.

“Okay, beat me.”

A little while later, you were sitting in the restaurant, and once again, you felt very out of place. Having known Seulgi since middle school, you really appreciated her efforts in supporting you after a heartbreak, but you were asking yourself whether this gathering was truly necessary if you could just sit at home and watch Netflix.

“We’re here!”

You looked up and reconsidered. Perhaps… Yes, it was necessary.

You almost choked on your coke when you spotted Taeyong standing right in front of you. You had seen him in music videos, in whatever threads and pictures people shared of him online or in whatever articles he got featured, but never in real life. And in real life, it was a whole other experience.

Yes, he was just as handsome, just as beaming, and radiated so much ‘idol aura’, you feared you would swoon. But he actually appeared less intimidating than on stage, much slimmer, a bit smaller and very, very kind. Yet, he still acted like a normal young man when he introduced himself a bit shyly to you along with his producer friend.

You were fawning so hard over Taeyong, having engaged him in a conversation right away, that you nearly overlooked the other young, taller man entering the restaurant fifteen minutes later. You hadn’t even noticed someone was still missing until now.

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

“We’ve just arrived from the production studio, what’s your excuse, Jaehyun?” Taeyong teased him. “Can’t you tell the time?”

“I can.” Jaehyun lifted his arm, looked at his watch and directed the following words at the object, “The manager who was supposed to drive me was late, I’m sorry I didn’t make it fifteen minutes earlier.”

His humor was spontaneous, random and deadpan, rendering everyone silent so that birds chirping in the background would possibly be audible right now. A real dad joke nobody seemed to get or find funny. Except for you. He was literally telling the time what his excuse was.

You bursted out in laughter, catching his attention with your lighthearted tone that came from the very bottom of your heart and that no one had heard for three whole months.

“Oh look. Finally someone who finds your dad jokes funny,” someone commented.

Jaehyun joined your laughter, and shortly later, you found yourself sitting next to him, engaged in a conversation about why records were so much better than anything digitized nowadays and why no one could top Bruno Mars, having totally forgotten who was actually sitting next to you,

Jeong Jaehyun.

Everyone knew NCT, and despite you not being a regular listener, you still had one person you ogled every now and then. But Jaehyun had never been that person. 

Of course you had noticed his handsome looks, his prince-like aura and his great voice. To you though, he had always seemed too perfect which was why he never quite peaked your interest. You just didn’t do perfect.

But he proved to you, later that evening when all your friends were already gone and you were hiding in the women's restroom, making out wildly to cure your heartbreak, that ‘the idol’ Jaehyun himself was far from perfect.

If he was perfect, he wouldn’t kiss someone he had just met in a restaurant’s restroom so passionately, having them sit on top of the sink with their arms wrapped around his neck. A perfect idol wouldn’t have his fingers entangled in your hair, his hands rubbing between your clothed thighs and his tongue slowly pushing into your mouth.

It was a good thing that you didn’t expect him to be perfect as you were anything but as well.

You moaned quietly when he put pressure on the spot where his fingers were placed, softly biting into his lower lip to which he responded with a groan and grabbed you by both of your legs, wrapping them around his hips. Arching your spine, you rubbed yourself against him while his hand slowly found its way under your blouse.

Your back reacted with pleasant goose bumps as Jaehyun traced his fingers along your skin, and since it had been so long that you were last touched like this, hell broke loose inside of you, relishing all the pent-up desire of which you hadn’t even been aware of as you thought you were still mourning after your ex boyfriend.

But no, you were apparently already really attracted to this stranger who wasn’t really a stranger at all since you passed by his cardboard standee at least once a day when you were on your way to work and walked by the cosmetic store close to the subway. This entire situation seemed so surreal to you, even though you were living in it right now.

When you finally parted, a bit breathless and lightheaded after this long make out session, you wondered whether Jaehyun did that more often than he would openly admit. You understood though. He could have anyone he wanted, and he probably did.

“If you expect now to be invited to my place, forget it,” you told him, shuffling out of his grip and jumping from the sink. “I’m kind of a traditional girl.”

You were still heartbroken and didn’t do rebounds. Partially, you also didn’t want to invite him home because he was an idol, and you could imagine quite well what getting involved with them meant.

“A traditional girl who makes out with a guy she has just met?” Jaehyun cocked a brow and spun around to you, not letting you miss the joking tone in his voice though. “That’s quite a paradox.”

You sleekened your blouse and reached for your purse, just now realizing how late it had already gotten. “Admittedly, it doesn’t happen quite often that I immediately feel so attracted to a guy I barely know.”

The corners of Jaehyun’s lips tilted up to a wide grind that revealed his pearl white teeth. “That’s how attracted you are to me?”

“Don’t raise your hopes up.”

“It’s probably better this way, because I’m afraid you might tear my shirt apart right here and now, if that’s how attracted you are to me.”

You rolled your eyes, but smiled. “Goodnight, Jaehyun.”

He chuckled. “Goodnight.”

On your way home, you were still thinking about him and how damn good of a kisser he was. You knew from Seulgi that idols also dated, slept around or had flings here and there. You had never expected yourself to be one of them though, and certainly not with Jeong Jaehyun.

To you, it was an experience you surely hadn’t expected to get, but wouldn’t like to miss out on now in the aftermath. It also was something you hoped to not experience again, because you just didn’t want to get involved with someone who had kissing different girls on his every day agenda, because he was just capable of doing it.

Someone like Jeong Jaehyun.

____

“Come on, it’s gonna be fun!”

You sighed. “Fine.”

“Hooray!”

Seulgi took you by her hand and dragged you to the backstage area. She had invited you to join the afterparty of Red Velvet’s second concert in Seoul, and even though you weren’t really keen on partying tonight, you wanted to celebrate this special day with your friend.

While Seulgi and the other members drove with their manager back to the company’s building, you took an Uber on your own. During the entire ride, you were asking yourself whether Jaehyun would be there as well, but dismissed the thought almost instantly. On the off chance that he was there too, you would just behave normally.

You hadn’t told anyone about your physical encounter with Jaehyun. To you, now, a few weeks later, it only seemed like a vivid fever dream, not worth mentioning. The only person who knew about it was Seulgi, but only because she was friends with Taeyong and had squeezed it out of you.

She hadn’t been very happy about it though. If it would have been Taeyong, she would have supported it, but not Jaehyun. Apparently, you had been right about your initial gut feeling. Jaehyun just wasn’t someone you would want to fall in love with as you would most likely get your heart broken.

“There are idols who are here for the sole reason of making music,” she had said. “And then there are idols who find women also important, like Jaehyun. I can count on one hand how many girls in the company he hasn’t screwed yet.” 

“I figured,” you had brushed it off. The heartbreak you had experienced in the past was enough for a lifetime. One more reason to never see him again.

The moment you entered the afterparty’s location though, you knew that this was going to be big as not only the Red Velvet girls and their acquaintances were there, but also trainees, other groups, the company’s entire staff and friends.

“What’s going on here?” you asked yourself in silence as Seulgi dragged you into the hall.

“Stay here, I want to introduce you to some people! Grab a drink, I’ll be back.”

“Okay.”

You looked around and people passed by you without even noticing your presence. That was probably the commoner effect. You weren’t an idol, neither a trainee nor a staff. Of course nobody would even pay the slightest attention to you.

“You’re so attracted to me that you even joined the afterparty just to see me again?” Well damn, you knew that voice. 

Jaehyun stood in front of you the next moment, having circled you from behind. “Or am I wrong?”

“You’re wrong,” you defended yourself. “I’m just here, because I want to support Seulgi and her group. I’ll go look for her…”

“One drink!” Jaehyun blocked your way. “Have one drink with me?”

“And then?” You crossed your arms.

“We can continue talking about our interests. It was fun and insightful to do so with someone who genuinely cares.” You didn’t miss the earnesty in his voice, and you were almost sorry for what you were about to say next,

“Probably because you’re only fixated on people in the entertainment industry. Your selection is limited.”

He tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“I've been friends with Seulgi since middle school, Jaehyun. I know about idol life, and also about their dating life. It doesn’t bother me, at all. About you though…” You eyed him suspiciously. “Seulgi warned me, because you have quite a reputation among these people.”

“Before you knew, that hadn’t stopped you from kissing me.” He wasn’t haughty about that fact, but merely stated an observation. “If you had known back then, would you still have dragged me to the women’s restrooms?”

You bit into your bottom lip, unsure what to say. “Attraction and morals are two different things. I want to do what’s morally right, and that would be to not get involved with you. I’m being honest… I’m still suffering from a heartbreak. I don’t want a rebound,”

“Morals,” he scoffed. “Sometimes in life, morals have to be put down as they only restrict you from living your best life and don’t bring you forward to cherish what makes you happy at this very moment. I’m saying that there are more important things than morals.”

“What else?” You were genuinely curious. 

He stepped closer to you. “Sometimes, the attraction between two people is all that matters at a certain moment. And trust me, I’m feeling very much attracted to you right now.”

Heat shot into your cheeks and your body became hot all over too. If you were honest, you wanted this too. So badly even. But you were afraid your needs would take over your senses and that the happiness would only last for so long, until you were alone again.

“And something tells me you feel it too.” Jaehyun grinned mischievously, and it suddenly dawned on you why getting involved with him felt so off-putting.

Because the Jaehyun he showed you now and the Jaehyun he presented to the world through his group were the same person - they knew they owned the charms and the looks, and that girls couldn’t resist them. 

He wasn’t perfect, but pretended to be. He might have even convinced himself he was. But you didn’t want to be another naive girl falling for this type of guy like your ex was.

“Goodnight, Jaehyun,” you told him and turned away from him to look for Seulgi and tell her that you would head home first.

Jaehyun didn’t follow you.

….

Jaehyun wasn’t the type of idol to sleep with fans. This had always been a no go for him. 

Despite the possibility of signing an NDA, fans would gossip, brag and tell their friends, eventually risking the idol’s reputation if their identity ever got revealed and their past relationship proven to be true. No, fans were out of the picture for him.

Jaehyun couldn’t take such a risk as he had the image of perfection to keep up. Being nearly scandal-free until now, he had publicly adapted to this role the company had applied to him. He didn’t allow a woman to tarnish his reputation that he had worked so hard for.

Idols and trainees on the other hand had the same things to lose as him, so they usually kept their mouths closed. They were the safer option if one wanted to explore romance or physical attraction.

If it stayed within the company, no one actually minded dating or whatever was going on between the employees as they trained in the same building and interacted on a regular basis. Even dating outside of this tight knitted industry was allowed as long as they wouldn’t get caught. But Jaehyun weighed himself safer within the company and made the most out of it. 

He had always been told to be handsome and attractive, otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten casted, so getting the girls wasn’t a problem in the first place. What was a problem was actually keeping them. 

Jaehyun just didn’t want to keep anyone around.

….

“You’re going already?” Jaehyun heard the female trainee whisper from the couch as he was dressing himself up again. “No one will come here, so-”

“See you.” The next moment, he was out of the door. 

After you were gone, he had directly gone to the girl he had been with last time already, but admittedly only for distraction. There hadn’t been a woman who had ever dumped him. Until now. He just didn’t know whether he found it frustrating or rather… interesting.

“... You?”

You stood in the lobby, shuffling around awkwardly. “Whatever this is between is… it made me run the entire way back here. Someone said you have been gone for a while already, but I decided to stick around though and wait.” Your gaze then fell upon his shirt that was buttoned wrong and his hair that stuck out to all sides. “But I see, you already found what you were looking for in the end.” You spun around on your heels and started walking away.

“No!” Jaehyun ran down the stairs faster than your steps could carry you back to the exit. “Please wait!”

“What do you want from me, Jaehyun?” you then asked him seriously, shaking off his hand that he had placed on your shoulder. “I was about to give us a chance to explore this mutual attraction, but you just blew it up. So what makes you go after me now?”

“Okay… but we’re not committed to each other, so you shouldn’t even bother who I get involved with in the first place.”

He was right, but you just didn’t want to admit to that. You were only hurt that he had sworn to be so attracted to you and then let it all out with another woman. “Is it your common strategy? Hitting on a girl and then just moving on when you get rejected?”

“Perhaps?” he asked, partially stating. “Perhaps, it was also because your rejection threw me out of the loop, and I needed to prove to myself that it’s not me, but you.”

“What? Never gotten rejected by someone before?”

Rejections didn’t fit into Jaehyun’s perfect life. A perfect person didn’t get rejected by someone they desired, because what was there to even turn down?

“I- I mean you like Bruno Mars and records,” he stumbled over his words. “And we even kissed. And then you turned me down not even once, but twice. What should I think about it?”

“Maybe start off with the fact that not everything is about sex?”

He shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. And I care too little to get familiar with this topic, to be honest.”

You shrugged too. “I see. But as I implied, sometimes my morals are stronger than my desires. And such a moment is now.”

“Three’s a charm hm, dumping me?” Jaehyun was flabbergasted. “Come on, you just got here!”

“Because I thought you cared enough to stay focused on me at least! For one night!” you called him out, upset. “... But I was wrong.”

“You can’t expect someone like me to focus only on you.“ He scratched his head. “That’s just… not possible.”

“Because temptation lures in every corner, am I right?”

He didn’t respond, but that was enough of an answer to you. “Good night, Jaehyun.”

“That’s not it.”

You stopped in your tracks again. “Instead…?”

“Instead, it’s rather the fact that I can’t get involved with fans. I’m pretty much scandal free, so I can’t risk getting the word out that I’m sleeping around. It’s staying within the company, so I tried to get you out of my head, because I don’t know which category you belong to, and it’s messing with my head.”

“Nobody asks you to get involved with fans.” You shook your head. “There is not only black and white, not only idol and fan. And I’m neither an idol nor your fan.”

“Which category do you belong to then?”

“I’m just an ordinary girl.”

Jaehyun clenched his fists, knowing the moment you walked out of the entrance door that he had screwed up big time. Again.

On the other hand, he didn’t really bother as well at that moment. There were many girls awaiting him here, so why would he be chasing after someone he couldn’t have?

____

2019

“…and then Miyeon said-“ Soyeon stopped mid-sentence, realizing that Jaehyun wasn’t even listening. “Hello? What’s up?”

Jaehyun didn’t quite care about what Miyeon had said. He also didn’t quite care about Soyeon if he had to be honest, even though she was great. He had tried jumping into the dating pool after being urged by Taeyong, but he just wasn’t feeling it. 

Jaehyun yawned. “No, continue. I’m listening.”

“Okay, so Miyeon said-“

Jaehyun propped his elbow against the desk, placed his chin on his hand and averted his eyes back in the direction of the window, his thoughts drifting off once more. Since NCT 127 had come back from America, something inside of him had changed. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it though.

They had had a lot of fun in the States, so that wasn’t the problem here. The fun had included wild party nights and sneaking foreign girls into their rooms who didn’t know who they truly were, visiting different cities and doing something that felt close to vacation every now and then.

They also had had a lot of success. The group had stood on big stages, had been guests in popular shows, and had even walked along the red carpet at award shows. Their popularity was skyrocketing, getting more recognition in the west, and they had achieved everything they had only fantasized of back in trainee days.

Whenever Jaehyun stood on the stage, he felt like a king, and the crowd was his nation. At moments like that, when the spotlight was on him, he felt like all those years of hard training, suffering mentally and physically, and pulling himself together again and again, finally paid off. All his hardships were forgotten and there was only him, living his dream. His life was perfect.

So why was it that Jaehyun was still not content after realizing he had everything a young man his age with the same ambitions could ask for?

Perhaps, it was because after the lights went off and the members separated, he returned to a dark hotel or dorm room, feeling entirely alone with a gap in his heart that was so deep, not even the cheerful laughters of friends or one night stands were able to fill it. 

„We should end this,“ Jaehyun then blurted out.

„What?“

„You and me, here,“ he explained monotonously. „Let’s end this.“

Soyeon blinked in confusion. „We’ve only been dating for two months. Why would we end this already?“

Because he didn’t see this going anywhere. Because, in the months they had been dating, he could count on one hand how often they had seen each other. Because, when he had been overseas, he had never thought about her. 

Jaehyun wasn’t an expert with relationships, but he assumed this was not how they should work. Instead, he said, “I’m just not interested in dating anyone at the moment. I don’t have the time to spare. I’m sorry.”

Soyeon arose from the bed, and Jaehyun moved his head to make eye contact with her.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad though.” She shrugged. “It would have been nice if this would have worked out. Because you know, Jaehyun… we idols can never be with people who idolize us. I hope you think about this thoroughly.“

“There are not only idols and fans,” he stated, summoning words he had been told earlier this year. “There are ordinary people as well.”

“I didn’t count them in, because they rarely withstand the pressure we idols bring along.” Soyeon grabbed her bag and walked to the door. “Seriously… don’t drag a poor girl into our world. You’ll only ruin her.”

“What would you know?” he unwillingly snapped.

But Soyeon wasn’t bothered. “We all try at some point.”

Jaehyun didn’t put further thoughts into her words and brushed them off as futile when a face popped into his mind of which he hadn’t thought in a long time.

The girl he had once felt so attracted to but missed his chance not only twice, but on three occasions. He suddenly wondered where you were, what you were doing and whether the attraction would still be there if you two would run into each other again.

Jaehyun then pulled out his phone and opened his private chat with Seulgi. It consisted of zero messages between the two of them, that was how distanced they actually were. Yet, he still decided to text her.

____

“You know I only agreed to meet you, because Seulgi asked me to.” You sipped on your coke, watching Jaehyun with wary eyes.

“Yes, and I want to thank you for that.”

“You have to thank Seulgi.”

“I already did.”

He hadn’t touched his Americano, but just proceeded to stare at it, avoiding eye contact with you at all cost. You hadn’t missed the skepticism in the waitress’ eyes when she had brought you the beverages as she had to look at Jaehyun twice and even turned around on her way back once again to make sure that her mind had not fooled her. Jaehyun had ignored it.

“So, what’s the matter?” He was sitting opposite of you as you asked. “It’s been more than half a year since we’ve last seen each other.”

Jaehyun fiddled with his fingers that he had rested on his lap. “Did you see anyone during this time?”

“Why would that be any of your business?”

He cleared his throat. “I toured through Japan, America, Thailand and parts of Europe this year, as you might know. I had everything in front of me that I worked so hard for. The fame, the success. In America, I went to red carpets, award shows, TV shows… It has always been my dream to do all that. When I first came back in May, I even started dating someone I thought was perfect for me as she is an idol as well. I had all that. My life was perfect. And it still wasn’t enough for me.”

Even though he was speaking seemingly nonchalantly, there was a sad undertone in his voice. Jaehyun certainly knew how to conceal his true feelings, and it made you feel that he considered it to be necessary to do this in front of you as well.

“What went wrong?” you wanted to know.

“I realized how fading it all was. The spotlight doesn’t last for long. When you’re a trainee, nobody tells you what will happen when the lights go off. Nobody prepares you for what will happen once the darkness comes. And damn, is that darkness deep. And so endless. A few hours of spotlight just don’t make up for hours, days and months of darkness.”

You weren’t a celeb, but you could understand what he was feeling. Many people looked down on idols, laughing off their career and deeming it not even being a true job. But the idol life was a hard one with hours and hours of training of which one couldn’t even be sure whether all the blood, sweat and tears would pay off eventually. You had seen Seulgi going through all of this.

“What about the other guys?” you questioned. “I’m pretty sure you’re all there to support each other as well.”

Jaehyun chuckled bitterly. “We’re 23 people in the whole group. That’s like an entire classroom. How many people did you naturally get along with in your class back then in high school?”

“Perhaps, only a handful. My friends.”

“Exactly. Some, you can turn to when you feel down, but they are not there all the time and they have their own problems too that you cannot make your own, because the burden will be too much. The majority, you just want to punch in the face because they get on your nerves. Others, you simply avoid altogether.”

Seulgi was very lucky to be in a group with only a couple of girls who got along all the time, more or less. You couldn’t imagine how it was for Jaehyun with more than twenty other guys. 

“And the girl you dated?”

He smiled, and it somehow stung. “She’s pretty, talented and a very good person. Characteristics you rarely find in idols all combined. But she travels around very often as well and has so many projects going on. She was there when I wasn’t, and I was there when she wasn’t. That’s why so many relationships between idols fail. We barely have time. We can’t make each other’s darkness go away.”

You nipped on your coke again. Jaehyun’s glass now consisted of more water than coffee. “What did you call me here for exactly, Jaehyun?”

He sucked in a rush of air. “You haven’t answered my question.”

“Which question?”

He locked your gazes, finally. “Did you see someone in the past months?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” Finally, he led the straw to his mouth, taking a sip, but not pushing the topic further. Nevertheless, the air was still heavy, and you decided to clear it.

“But I’m not anymore.”

Jaehyun looked up, his eyes sparkling. 

“Two rules,” you made clear.

“I’m listening.”

“You text me at least once a day. Not because I want to surveille you, but because I just want to know you’re alive and well, and thinking of me despite your busy schedule.”

He chuckled shyly. “Lately, I’ve been thinking of you all the time, so that’s a given.”

You flushed a bit and lowered your voice to shield your conversation from the other customers. “Second rule… And I know you’re not going to like this, but the second rule is no sex.”

“What?” he whispered in disbelief, eyes widening and leaning over the table closer to you as though he was sure he had misheard. “Are you being serious?”

“I want you to prove to me that you’re serious about me,” you whispered back. “That you don’t only want me for sex, and if we have sex, that you don’t end things right after you got what wanted. I’m not such a girl, Jaehyun. And I don’t want such a man. If you’re not okay with this, we don’t have to do this.”

“No, no, no!” he directly dismissed. “It’s okay. I’m okay with this.” 

He nodded with much determination, and you could see the sincerity in his eyes. He was in for all of it, and you would lie if you acted like you weren’t surprised by his reaction. Jaehyun truly meant it.

“Let me add something…” you backpedaled for clarification. “No sex until I’m ready for it. Better?”

But he didn’t object. “Whatever rules you set.”

“Can I add another one?”

“You’re on a roll now?” he asked skeptically.

“I want you to take me out on a date. A real date.”

The corners of his lips tilted up. “This, I can do too. Can I add a rule as well?”

“Go ahead.”

“In private, call me Yuno, like my real name. When I’m with you, I don’t want to be Jaehyun.”

What he implied was that in private, he wanted to be vulnerable, who he truly was, not an idol. You gladly accepted that.

“Okay, Yuno.”

As you addressed him by his real name, smiling so sweetly and genuinely, Jaehyun thought that, for the first time, he could imagine wanting to keep someone around.

____

You weren’t dense. You knew that dating an idol wouldn’t be like dating any other guy.

With any other guy, you could walk around freely where crowds were, holding hands. With any other guy, you could spontaneously meet up after work, several times a week. With any other guy, you could take couple pictures and post them online, on your public account.

Dating Jaehyun wasn’t any of the above. 

But you weren’t just any girl either.

You didn’t complain when he had to cancel plans last minute, because he was too tired to get up again. You didn’t hold it against him when you were always the one having to drive into his neighborhood. You also didn’t interfere when the manager was adamant about following you everywhere.

Jaehyun made up for all of this more than anyone before him by being the sweetest boyfriend one could ask for.

Little by little, you got to know the person behind this idol mask, the person behind ‘Jaehyun’. The person you called ‘Yuno’ in private. A person you could really imagine falling in love with deeply not far from now.

Because this person truly was not perfect. And that was what made him so loveable for you.

____

Today, Jaehyun was off work, so for the first time in two weeks, you actually had an entire day to yourselves, and it would be the last one before he’d take off to New York for the Global Citizen Festival. 

Even though you had gone on short dates before, such as grabbing a coffee and sitting in the park or movie evenings at your place, Jaehyun had promised that this one would be your first real date together, just as he had promised to you when you had agreed on going out.

What you hadn’t expected was for him to take you to Seoul Children’s Grand Park.

“Is it okay?” he asked you hesitantly as you stood in the queue at 10am in the morning. “I thought…”

You nodded and let your fingers slip into his palm as you moved forward in the queue. “It’s totally okay. I understand.”

Any other guy wouldn’t have taken you to a children's theme park, but this was where Jaehyun and you could roam around freely without hiding and him wearing more of a disguise than a cap. As mainly families visited the park with their lively kids, they wouldn’t be keen on getting info on who this stranger was if they would ever grow suspicious at all. It was the perfect spot to spend an entire day away from the turmoil that usually surrounded him.

Jaehyun let out a rush of air. “Then I’m relieved.”

“Who said we cannot have fun here as well?” You gently nudged him. “I’m sure it’ll be the best day ever!”

You hadn’t pegged Jaehyun as the goofy guy. During the short span of weeks that you had been dating so far, you had gotten a glimpse of the part that wasn’t manipulatively charming and self-centered. This Jaehyun now was light-hearted, making jokes and laughing all the time as though he had no care in this world. 

This Jaehyun was whole-heartedly happy. 

“What is it?” he asked you, smiling against the sun, having to blink. 

“Nothing,” you said and squeezed his hand. “You’re scrunching up your nose when you laugh. It’s so cute.”

You had just disembarked from a ride and Jaehyun had been laughing next to you the entire time. You hadn’t wanted the ride to end just to continue to listen to him laughing as you harbored the feeling that he hadn’t been able to do so as much lately, so you wanted to be this person to him.

“Stop,” he urged and covered the lower half of his face with the back of his hand, and you noticed how his cheeks as well as the tips of his ears turned pink. 

You chuckled. “Come on, I want to see the animals!”

You moved through the groups of families and their children, and despite Jaehyun having been very tense in the beginning, always controlling whether someone was watching you or on the brink of recognizing him, he had slowly started to relax when he noticed that no one paid the slightest attention to you two.

“Is it hard?” you then wanted to know as you studied the elephants with kids of different ages screaming right next to you by the balustrade. But you didn’t mind. “Not quite being able to go where you want as you might get recognized?”

“I can go wherever I want and whenever I want,” Jaehyun clarified. “Most of the time, people don’t care, the majority of them only watch. We’re only human with daily tasks as well. Seldomly, someone takes a secret photo and spreads it, very rarely, they ask for autographs and other things personally. Sometimes, it’s annoying, but it comes with my job, so it doesn’t bother me most of the time as long as they respect our privacy. It’s only when I’m with a girl that things can get heated.”

“Sure.” One elephant was blowing water at a smaller one. The children were rejoicing. “Your fans would probably give you hell if it ever makes headlines.”

“When you date someone, with the staff, sasaengs and friends around, it’s a given that there is a group of people who know and they tell the people they know and so on. That’s how gossip arises, but as long as it doesn’t make headlines and you’re on Dispatch’s good side, you’re okay. But I don’t want you to only be okay.”

You tilted your head, now turning around to face him. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not an idol, neither a staff or a trainee. You don’t have anything to do with this world and I want it to stay this way. I want you to be safe.” He glanced down at you, the look in his eyes imprenetable. “I don’t want my girlfriend to become the target of hate, that’s why I want to protect your identity at all costs. I want to do it right this time.”

You weren’t a hillbilly. You had seen what had happened when it got revealed that Kai was dating Krystal. And when Baekyhun was dating Taeyeon. The hate that flooded through online communities and were discussed for weeks all over the internet - and they were very popular and beloved idols. It warmed your heart that Jaehyun wanted to spare you from all of this as well. 

But wait, had he just called you…?

“It’s not easy, being with me,” he continued as though he hadn’t just put a label on you two. “And with you, it’s probably going to be extra hard. But I don’t want my life to ruin yours, to ruin what we’re just trying to build. I just need to know you’re fully on it as well.”

With a smirk, you challenged him, “Build what?”

“A…” He gulped. “... a serious relationship.”

You had all along known that behind the playboy side of his that he had shown you first, there was a goofy, endearing person hidden, that was the reason why you had agreed on going out with him in the first place. This was the person you had hoped to be there all along, the person you wanted.

So right in the middle of screaming children who their parents tried to calm, you grabbed Jaehyun by his collar and lifted yourself up to your toes. This surrounding was shielding you perfectly from unwanted attention as you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him.

“I still won’t sleep with you,” you then announced in secrecy when you parted.

“It’s okay. I’ll wait,” he replied patiently, his hands around your waist.

Dating Jaehyun wasn’t like dating any other guy. But dating Jaehyun was just as fun. 

And Jaehyun, for the first time, wanted to keep someone around.

____

“Hey, come in.”

“Hi Jungwoo. I’m not gonna stay for long. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

Your palms were sweating as Jungwoo giggled. “Stay for as long as you want. We’ve only recently moved in, so enjoy the cleanliness for now, because it’s not going to stay this way for much longer.”

You weren’t sure why you were so nervous, why you were even covered in a thin sheet of sweat just because you had gotten invited to Jaehyun’s group’s dorm for the first time, but Jungwoo’s shy bubbliness and kind aura quickly put you at ease.

It had been three months since you and Jaehyun started dating, and he was going to leave for Japan soon. Since he had to get up early the day after and the place where he had spent the day was closer to his dorm, it was a given that you would meet him at his own home. 

Jaehyun was still deliberately following the texting rule, no matter how late it was, where he would travel to shortly after and wherever in the world he was currently residing. And lately, he had been in Spain and back in the US, the time difference putting a strain on your occasional facetime calls, but you had still managed to do it as often as possible.

Despite his busy life, he was always putting you first.

“Follow me, his room is over there. No worries, it’s all his.”

You found yourself anxiously looking to your right and left, afraid to encounter any of the other boys - the source of your nervousness. You weren’t prepared to meet all of them and already felt a lump in your throat when you heard different voices from what seemed like the living and kitchen area. But to your reassurance, Jungwoo came to a stop right before that space.   

“This one.” He opened the door for you. “Make yourself at home. You want to drink something?”

You shook your head. “Thank you.”

“Okay. Call me if you need anything!”

He closed the door behind him, and, in the safety of Jaehyun’s room, you felt all the strain getting lifted off your shoulders. As you looked around, you recognized everything from the relay cam published the month prior on the group’s youtube channel.

There, to your left, was the cabinet with all his stuff like his Marshall music box, his vinyl records and the Mickey Mouse sitting on the top shelf. In front of the big window stood his desk along with the keyboard and his computer. Next to it, another standing keyboard, followed by his bed to your right. 

Jaehyun loved listening to vinyls, using analog cameras, drinking wine and playing the piano. It was a soft, private side he also showed his fans in his vlogs, a fragment of who he really was, deep inside. In his videos, he appeared as such a comfort person, entirely different from the young man you had encountered last year and luckily came out more and more around you.

But what differed him from the person everyone else got to see was that you also knew the Jaehyun who was off-camera. The one not so pressured to uphold a perfect facade, who broke through the stark mask every now and then.

Yuno, who called you, sobbing because he had reached a dead end with a song he was composing. Yuno, who wanted to be desperately hugged by you, because he felt so lonely. Yuno, who raised his voice because everything was going wrong with his day.

His fans didn’t have to see. And you were always there to clean up the mess he had left, sweeping up the remains of his emotional outbursts, because from the outside, he had an image to keep up. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be possible. Shared baggage wasn’t as heavy. And always, you willingly and happily did that - for him.

As you walked across the room, you spotted a few sheets spread across his desk over the keyboard. You didn’t want to peek, but got your attention drawn to them by the vivid colors, and you frowned as you read your name on two of the documents.

They were flight initiaries to Tokyo. And the third one, a bit smaller but thicker by paper, was an entry ticket to their respective concert.

“Oh damn. It should have been a gift.”

You hadn’t heard how he had walked into the room and shifted around to him, the ticket in your hand now, asking in near disbelief, “What’s this?” as though you didn’t already know.

“You’re joining me in Tokyo!”

“You’re nuts!” you objected, still not believing it. “I have a job, I have to ask for a time off first. What if it won’t get through? Then this would go to waste!”

Jaehyun threw his head back and laughed. Then, he approached you and took the ticket out of your hand. “I know you’ve always wanted to visit Japan and see me on stage. So why not combine these two, and why not in February when there is the opportunity?”

“My boss is a witch, I told you all the stories about her, weren’t you listening?” You already imagined her anguished face, horror striking your face. “Oh god, I can hand in my two weeks notice tomorrow when I tell her about this.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jaehyun brushed it off confidently. “I already called your workplace. No important meetings on these dates. Your vacation days will be officially approved by tomorrow.”

“Are you being serious?” You raised your brow in suspicion, not allowing your skeptical and worrying self to feel joy yet. “Or is this a joke?”

“Do you or do you not see your name right there?” He held the flight initiatives out in front of you. 

“How did you get my passport number?” 

“I didn’t send you to go grab the ordered food for nothing that day.”

“You’re-” The words got caught in your throat, because you felt tears aching behind your eyes.

“Awesome? Unbelievable? The best boyfriend ever?”

“I wanted to say stupid.” You swallowed it all down. “Stupidly awesome. But the title ‘best boyfriend’ also fits.”

“Well, that’s what I wanted to hear.”

Finally, you wrapped your arms around his neck and Jaehyun spun you around, the both of you laughing. 

You had talked about finances after some weeks of dating already since the discrepancy between your monthly salaries was almost impossible to put into words. But despite Jaehyun always offering, you were adamant about only doing and achieving things you could afford as you never ever wanted to grow dependent on a man.

But Jaehyun didn’t mind grand gestures every now and then. Just like this one.

“You know I’m going to reward you greatly for this, right?” you asked him quietly as he placed you back on the ground.

It took Jaehyun a few moments of obliviousness until you observed the question marks slowly vanishing from his eyes and the innocent look in them getting replaced with one that was auspicious, and a tid bit sinister.  

Oh, he wanted that reward. So bad.

You had never talked about sex again, and he had never asked about it in return. Despite having come close to it again and again when a reunion session got too heated, Jaehyun had never pushed for more when you weren’t the one making the first step.

Now, being sure that it wasn’t only about this one thing for him and that he was fully ready to commit, you wanted to prove to him that you were ready for it as well by giving him the one thing he hadn’t been able to get yet.

With a swift motion, Jaehyun had swooped you off the ground, and you were bouncing on the bed the next moment, him on top of you, lips close to your ear, and whispering,

“I hope you know what you’ve gotten yourself into.”

You wanted to know. So bad.

____

“I’ve never waited so long for a girl before,” Jaehyun whispered through gritted teeth as he hastily, with trembling fingers, fiddled with the hem of your shirt. “But you made it all worth it.”

You bit your bottom lip. “You don’t know yet, and I don’t want to disappoint you as you've waited for so long.”

He halted and locked gazes with you, putting his forehead to yours. “I’m not talking about sex only. I’m serious. You’re not boring. You’re not stuck-up. You don’t drool over me. You see me as who I am, and you’re still with me. You make everything worth it.”

His words turned you on so much that you slid your thigh over his lap, turned over and straddled him. “Please sleep with me right now,” you almost begged and fisted his t-shirt. You wanted him even more if that was possible. “Or I-”

But Jaehyun didn’t let you finish your sentence. His hands fell to your hips and pressed your body closer to his groin as his lips finally met yours in a passionate kiss that was long overdue. He was propped up on his hands while you were holding his neck and then bent in to deepen the kiss with the use of your tongue.

Suddenly, you pulled away in shock as you heard people passing by the door, laughing audibly as though they were standing right next to you.

“Yeah, the walls here are paper thin, sorry about that. But usually, nobody barges in just like that.”

You shifted your attention back to Jaehyun, deliberately diving into his mouth again, but you were still able to clearly hear the laughter and conversations only feet away from where you were about to do the deeds - all while Jaehyun moved from your mouth to your neck, growing more greedy and impatient.

His fingers dug into your hips and he growled lowly against your skin as he kissed along your collarbone. Willingly, you lifted your arms and let him slide off your shirt, shivering lightly against the coldness that immediately hit your shoulders, but was replaced by the warmth of Jaehyun’s mouth right after. 

He pressed you down on him, hard, and you rubbed against the thickness between your legs, barely noticing the straps of your bra slipping along your arms and exposing your bare breasts. Heat swirled in your belly, making your clit throb and your body craving him so badly, you didn’t think you could wait for much longer.

“Give it back!”

“HAHAHAHAHA, NEVER!”

Your body stiffened and you caught a glimpse at the door which was still closed, luckily. It felt like the boys had run right through your room! You wanted to ask Jaehyun whether there was a key to put you at ease for a bit, but you melted into him the next moment when he grabbed your left nipple between his teeth, sending shocks right down to your nether regions.

You moaned when his palms were placed flat on your back and you arched your spine, angling into his body as he bent forward and sucked the whole peak of your breast into this mouth. Forgotten were the voices and the people running back and forth outside of the room. Your eyes fluttered closed as Jaehyun’s tongue, hot and wet, came out and swirled the pebble of your nipple.

Laugher crossed the comfortable quietness in the room again that had only consisted of the nearly audible moans and growls of you two before. You tried to shift your head, but Jaehyun now turned his attention to your other nipple, dragging it out by his teeth, and then teased you by nibbling the entire breast.

“What if someone comes in?” you whispered, but your interruption was pathetic in this situation, and Jaehyun knew.

He sucked hard, stretching your skin. You grinded against his groin so desperately, you felt it tickle and wet between your legs already - and you were not even entirely undressed yet! You rolled your hips, rubbing fast on him, your fingers tugging on the hem of his t-shirt, and Jaehyun stilled for a moment to let you take it off for him.

He then pulled you back against him, your faces on level. One of his hands slipped down your back to grab your ass, and you let out a squeal, hushing right after as footsteps passed by the door. You gazed into his eyes, saw the passion, the lust, and you knew that all your concerns were irrelevant. 

You would do it right here and now, no matter how loud and heavy it would get, no matter who could hear you. You would do it right now, and no one and nothing would be able to stop you from it. 

“Please,” you muttered, palming his chest with your hands. “I don’t want to wait anymore.”

Jaehyun expelled a short breath as he had wanted to prolong the foreplay a bit more, but he didn’t need to be asked twice to hurry up. Wrapping an arm around your waist, he flipped you onto your back, and you let out a small gasp along the way, excited and nervous at the same time. 

“Your wish is my command.”

Jaehyun got on his knees, gazing down at you. You unbuttoned your jeans, sliding them over your hips, then your legs. His eyes didn’t waver from you as you revealed your black panties, and he licked his lips. Slowly, he slid his fingers up your thighs and hooked them into the waistband of your undies.

“At any other occasion, I would take my fair time with you,” Jaehyun admitted. “But right now, I can’t wait anymore either.”

Your black panties landed on top of your other clothes at the side of the bed along with Jaehyun’s jeans and boxers. He reached into a small drawer that was hidden in the headboard and pulled out a condom that he then rolled on, the wrapper getting lost on the floor as well. 

“But we have to be quiet, okay?” you tried again as someone outside had seemingly randomly started to play the piano. “We’ll try.”

“Sure.” Jaehyun positioned himself between your thighs, a smile curling a corner of his mouth. You hadn’t been able to take a detailed look at his hard-on yet from your position, but it already felt like it was a lot to take in. “We’ll try.” Why did it seem like he wouldn’t even want to try? 

Your hair was fanned out on the pillow beneath you as he came down to you and pressed between your legs. Thrusting his hips slowly and steadily, he worked inside of you, and you groaned, stretching while he was sinking into you. Your cheeks heated up and you threw your head aside as Jaehyun was going deeper and deeper, burying himself to the hilt.

“Oh,” Jaehyun sucked in a rush of air, his face twisted. “It feels so good.”

You shared the same thought as him as he lowered his body closer to you, your nipples brushing his chest. Without thinking, you bent your knees and spread your legs wider, your heels digging into the mattress.

Jaehyun kissed you, but before you had time to savor that feeling of fleeting peace before he would rock your entire world, he had already pulled out and thrusted right back into you.

“Oh, god.”

You looked up, witnessing Jaehyun enjoying the act himself as he grabbed for the headboard to give him support while his thrusts got harder and faster, moving in and out of you. The muscles in his arms were bulging and tight as they strained in the attempt to hold his position, the muffled voices of people in the background nearly entirely faded.

That was until you noticed that the bed was creaking. Very loudly. “The bed,” you breathed in between thrusts, worried. “We have to go slower.”

But Jaehyun just groaned, dropped his head and silenced you with his lips. Instead of going slower, he only went harder. Your breasts bounced back and forth, and whimpers fell from your lips that only transitioned to higher tones, challenging the noise the bed was currently making. 

“Go slow,” you still tried to plead, but you weren’t sure anymore whether you had even audibly uttered these words.

You totally forgot about the noise around you. At some point, when your head was so clouded, filled with passion and lust, you just didn’t care anymore. Instead, you pulled Jaehyun deeper with every thrust, rolling your hips to meet his rhythm and moaning at the pleasure of him filling you.

Jaehyun slid a hand under your bum and nestled in farther, grunting as he went on even rougher, your whole body shaking and thus the entire bed with you. Loud creaks mixed with your own sounds of pleasure as you begged him to go faster, deeper, rarely having felt this good in your life.

“Yes, yes! Please, don’t stop!” you cried lowly as you felt an orgasm crest.

He thrusted in and out of you again and again, sweat forming on his forehead, but his rhythm was steady, the strength in his arms holding the position and not giving in. His length nudged far inside you, and you cried out, loud this time, breaking loose and coming as your walls clenched around him.

“Oh, f-”, Jaehyun groaned as he pushed one more time and then stopped, his body stiffening on top of yours and his arms straining, bringing forward his veins.

You ran a hand up his back, feeling the sheen of sweat as you both came down from your highs, overly exhausted, but over the top happy. And you both beamed.

When you later left the dorm that night, hoping to not get caught by someone after what you had done merely an hour before, you still found a member, Yuta, as a matter of fact, standing in the corridor and winking at you.

Well…

____

2020

After Jaehyun returned from Japan, NCT 127 was preparing for their comeback with ‘Kick it’ along with the release of their second Korean studio album ‘Neo Zone’. You had hoped that, with their first world tour concluded, Jaehyun’s life would slow down a bit, his world spinning a bit less fast. But you were wrong. 

NCT 127 was climbing up the ladder of success and, amidst the comeback, they were to travel back and forth between the US and South Korea. You were truly, really happy for them, they had been working so hard for all of this. 

But you also couldn’t deny that Jaehyun’s announcement of their second world tour starting in North America in June came along with a bland aftertaste for you. 

____

“What’s wrong?” Jaehyun asked you.

His blue hair shimmered in the sunset getting reflected in your bedroom. Tomorrow was the comeback stage of ‘Kick it’, so he wasn’t able to stay for long as he had to get up very early.

Throughout the past months, he hadn’t neglected rule number one even for one day. Between recording, practice and other schedules, he still found time to text you or even call shortly, so you didn’t know why it even bothered you that he would now start having even less than the little time he usually was able to spare.

You felt very selfish, demanding so much, even though it was probably the bare minimum for such a relationship. But this was Jeong Jaehyun, not any other guy. So you swallowed the real reason and only informed him, “From now on, you don’t have to text me everyday, okay?”

Jaehyun pulled his brows together. “You don’t want me to text you anymore?”

You had seen him on stage. He knew what he was capable of, so did everyone else, including you. “It’s not like that…”

When the Yuno you knew turned into Jaehyun, the idol, the stage was his home. He loved the spotlight, he loved his occupation, he loved his fans. Every motion he executed, every note he hit, every gaze he shot to the crowd was well thought-out and touched perfection. Partially, this job was his passion, but much more, it was also work. Only on the stage, he could let go and ride on the wave of his fame. He was born to be in the spotlight, and there was no place for you to interfere in any means. 

“It’s just…” You shrugged. “I don’t want to be a distraction to you, you know.”

“You think you’re my distraction?” He got up from the bed and approached you to kneel in front of you on the floor. “You’re my biggest motivation, that’s the truth.”

Now, it was you who was frowning. “What do you mean by that?”

“I know my fans love me no matter what, and I appreciate their dedication and love, they’re my motivation too. Whatever I do, they solemnly celebrate their idol, and I can count myself lucky they always have my back. I’m talking about the good fans here, though.” He sucked in a rush of air. “But whenever I'm on stage, I’m afraid that I'll get lost again. Lost in this world, in this part of me that I keep caged and only let out when I’m in the spotlight. The part of me that relishes the stage a bit too much. Because that’s not really me anymore. I don’t want to return to being this person.”

You had seen Jaehyun in Japan. And you could understand why his fans went crazy over him. On stage, he radiated so much confidence and sexual appeal that you almost felt jealous of all the girls seeing the same in him as you and fell in love with him all overagain at the same time.

But Jaehyun at home wasn’t like that. He watched Money Heist in his checkered pajama bottoms, wore thick glasses as otherwise he wasn’t able to see, and currently spent as much time in the fitness studio as possible as he felt insecure about his build.

“In a crowd of ten thousands of people, it’s so easy to turn invisible,” he continued, “but I always search for you until I find you. Even when you’re not physically there, I sing a song and think about you, and you appear in my mind.”

You averted your eyes, touched by his words and letting his voiced concerns sink in. “What are you saying…”

“I’m saying…” He took your hands into his. “That because of you, I can be who I truly want to be, who I actually am, not this cocky asshole from the past. You keep me grounded, you bring out the best part of me. And while my fans don’t bring out the worst part of me, they’re always on the brink of luring it out, and it’s so tempting to me.”

From what Jaehyun had told you, at one point, he had wished to have a relationship with his fans like Taeyong did. More like friends with a mutual understanding, despite being fan and idol. His bandmate shared nearly everything with his beloved fans, so much that Jaehyun sometimes jokingly described it as a parasocial relationship.

But that was the difference between idols like Jaehyun and idols like Taeyong. Jaehyun kept everyone not privately involved with him at an arm's-length, because he didn’t want to disappoint anyone when he acted out of the box and not so perfect.

“You don’t always have to be perfect, Yuno.” You gently pressed his fingers together in a gesture of reassurance. “Even though they all expect it from you, it’s okay to be you every now and then. Especially around me. I don’t do perfect anyway. I want you to know that.”

“What happened to Taeyong predebut… It nearly destroyed him,” he admitted quietly. “I don’t want that to happen to me. Perfection is not only my image, it’s my shield.”

You dismissed the topic about Taeyong’s scandal quickly. Nobody in their dorm was allowed to talk about what had happened back then ever again, and you didn’t want to break this rule out of respect. “And now, he’s so loved and successful, coming out even stronger. He’s found his passion, his purpose in life. Flaws don’t make you unlovable, Yuno. I love every single one of your flaws, and I’m sure your fans would too.”

Jaehyun nudged his face between your thighs and you let your fingers run between his soft, blue hair that now reminded you of lapis lazuli. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Okay.” Then, quietness followed before he bluntly blurted, “You said you love me.”

You bit your tongue. “I said I love your flaws.”

“Which is technically the same,” he muffled into the fabric of your pants.

It wasn’t, to be exact. But it didn’t matter, because this was true, too.

Your palm still rested on the back of his head. Perhaps, that was the reason he wasn’t able to face you. It let things slip easier from your lips. You were thankful for that at this moment. 

“Yes. I do. I love you.”

It was the first time that you told him this despite feeling it for quite a while already. You hadn’t expected to eventually come around, but now that you had, you were afraid of him not feeling the same, not being capable of feeling the same.

But after everything he had told you before, you knew that these doubts were unreasonable.  

He loved you too. What was there to worry about in the end?

You bent down and placed a kiss on the top of his head. Taking you by surprise, Jaehyun rose at the same moment and grabbed you by your neck, pulling you close to him so that your foreheads almost touched, strands of his lapis lazuli colored hair in your vision.

“I love you too.”

____

“He won’t come out.”

Taeyong and Jungwoo stood in front of Jaehyun’s room when you arrived, worry etched into their faces. If they both weren’t able to get him out, how would you?

The day before, news broke out that Jaehyun, along with Eunwoo, Jungkook and Mingyu had gone out together on April 25 to the dawn of April 26, visiting three locations in Itaewon - right after Covid restrictions of the first wave had eased. And people were furious.

You didn’t even remember that day anymore as you hadn’t seen each other before or after. Between comeback preparations and mc-ing, Jaehyun was busy as hell, and you let him enjoy his free time with his friends too, even though sometimes, you felt like you weren’t one of his top priorities anymore. But all of this didn’t matter at this moment.

“It’s the first big blow up he’s experiencing,” Taeyong explained to you with a low voice. “It’s currently too much for him to process and handle.”

“How am I supposed to help if you aren’t able to?” you wanted to genuinely know.

The main problem didn’t lie with the fact that they had visited the etablissements amidst the government’s advice to distance themselves socially. Though this was considered a problem too, of course.

The entire internet was furious that these young men hadn’t isolated themselves after someone, who had visited etablissements in the same area a week later, was officially tested positive for Covid. Thus, the government had recommended all visitors of this neighborhood between April 24 and May 6 to isolate themselves at home. 

But no such thing had happened to the guys as they had carried on with their schedules as usual. Of course they had taken Covid tests, and you had too just in case, and they had all turned out negative.

But the internet was merciless.

“Did you talk to him yesterday?” Jungwoo asked.

You shook your head. The day this scandal surfaced was the first day Jaehyun hadn’t ever texted you nor picked up your calls. That was why you had connected with Taeyong and came here directly.

“Whatever I want to say… It doesn’t seem like it’s the right thing. I want to be careful, thinking about every word, wanting to encourage him. But I’m afraid, with what I have to say, I might hurt him even more despite not wanting to.”

“The most important thing is to not judge,” Taeyong recommended. “Whether it was right or wrong, he knows himself after having an emergency meeting with the management yesterday. You know what kind of person he is. Just… believe in him.”

“It’s a tough time for all of us since tomorrow is the comeback, and he has to face the entire world in that vlive.”

You looked at Jungwoo who had last spoken, now feeling even more discouraged, and your shoulders dropped. “This is not really my forte, you know. I’ve never experienced something like this, nor did I go through this with someone. I can just offer… myself.”

“But that’s enough.”

“I don’t know whether my presence is enough to soothe his heart, Taeyong. He apparently doesn’t need me. Or better say, he doesn’t want me here.”

“He may think he doesn’t need you, but deep inside, during hard times, the people we love are all we need. We try to push them away, cocooning ourselves in the comfort of loneliness and isolation when everything we need is the warmth of familiar arms wrapped around us in protection.”

The words spurting out of this man sometimes… No wonder he made his fans feel like they were actually acquaintanced. You were enchanted, too. “Okay. I’ll get in.”

Jaehyun’s entire room was dark, his curtains pulled together, the lamps off. The only source of light came from the tiny slit in between the fabric by the window that wouldn’t close seamlessly, so only a tiny bit of sunlight streamed in. Jaehyun himself laid on his bed, the blanket pulled over his entire body, and he had his head turned to face the wall.

“Hey, it’s me. I’m coming in,” you announced and waited for a few heartbeats.

No protest from Jaehyun. You moved your head, nodded at Taeyong and Jungwoo, and pulled the door closed behind you. When you had entered the dorm, you had already taken off your shoes, but now you also slipped out of your jacket, and it fell to the floor with a rustle.

On tiptoes, you approached Jaehyun’s bed and lifted the edge of the blanket. He wore a black t-shirt and checkered pajama bottoms, seemingly not having changed since this night or the one before. He wasn’t protesting, so you silently laid yourself next to him onto the mattress, pulling the covers back over you both.

Jaehyun’s body was warm, and you heaved up your left arm to drape it over his torso, nestling yourself against him and inhaling his scent. For a few moments, it felt awkward to you as he wasn’t responding to any of your gestures, and you were asking yourself whether what you were doing was even right or whether you were only making a fool of yourself. 

But just as you were playing with the thought of leaving again, Jaehyun reached for your hand that had rested against his stomach and embraced your fingers with his palm, tightly. You let out a nearly vocal sigh of relief, closed your eyes and offered him your company like Taeyong had suggested.

At one point, you believed you had drifted off, so the voice was only faint, but you swore that he had said exactly these words,

“Thank you for being here.”

____

Withdraw from the group, Jaehyun. Don’t go on TV.

Just keep quiet, Jaehyun.

NCT’s Jaehyun, please keep to the social distancing guidelines.

Jaehyun, tell us some good restaurants in Itaewon.

Some hot places in Itaewon, too.

….

Jaehyun’s perfect image had gotten a crack.

On the vlive on comeback day, everyone acted normal, the jokes, everything. It wasn’t the first scandal NCT had faced, but the first one to involve their perfect main vocal all the girls were swooning over. That was why, on that specific day, they tried a bit harder.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun addressed the screen when he won the meat gifset, but he didn’t smile. He simply couldn’t bring himself to do so anymore as he had tried too hard in the past hour, and now all his energy had completely left him.

It had been hard for Jaehyun to force up a smile whenever he needed to speak to the camera, comments rolling over the screen, rendering his expressions icy. Usually, the section was filled with compliments on his good looks and other pleas for some kind of fanservice, but today, it was an endless stream of malicious comments. 

Or so it seemed to him.

….

That’s hilarious. Go eat your meat at a club, Jaehyun.

He’ll eat that with his Itaewon fam and girls.

….

Taeyong had had his hand on Jaehyun’s chair and shoulders at times when he spoke, letting him know that he was there for him even though he couldn’t see the leader as everyone had to face the screen. Haechan and Yuta had also mentioned his name quite a lot, encouraging him to answer the questions, even though they weren’t the mcs. Yuta, along with Mark, had also tried to include him in their stories. Especially the first, who laid more on the quiet site in live broadcasts, had seemed to be more enthusiastic to include Jaehyun despite sitting quite far away from him.

Jaehyun was really grateful for that, for his brothers.

Yet, when the entire vlive was over and the cameras shut off, Jaehyun couldn’t help but to let out an audible sigh of relief.

“Thank god,” was he only thinking, “it’s finally over.”

It was the first time that he thought that. Usually, he enjoyed comeback schedules as it was the busiest, but also one of the greatest times with fans. But right now, Jaehyun never wanted to see a single one of them again.

Next, Jaehyun noticed Taeyong’s palm was back on his shoulder in a secure gesture. “The comments… please don’t mind them. The majority were from our true fans and very supportive towards your situation. You okay?”

Last night, after you were gone, he had slept in Taeyong’s bed for the first time since trainee days. And despite the night before consisting of little to no sleep for him, it was nice to have someone familiar by his side again during such hard times, so that he had been able to close his eyes for a few hours.

Jaehyun shrugged. He knew there was no point in lying to Taeyong. They had known each other for so long, he’d sense it directly. 

“I just don’t know how to get over it.” A deep frown was forming a creak between his brows, his eyes glistening. “Tell me… will I ever get over it?”

To his dismay, Taeyong was smiling, but rather sadly, almost apologetically. “There are situations that are going to burn themselves into your soul. We live for great things and relish them, but hard times are the ones that threaten to rip apart who we are. You don’t have to let it get that far.”

Jaehyun couldn’t imagine that this deep pain that he felt would ever vanish. It came along with a certain agony and anxiety he had never experienced to this extent before. This turmoil of unfamiliar feelings was so strange to him that at times he felt like he wasn’t able to catch air.

Like right now.

“Jaehyun…?”

He gasped for air, but somehow, it wouldn’t find its way into his lungs. His heart was racing so fast, it felt like it was burning right in his chest. And the last time he remembered he had sweated so much was during dance practice, not after an hour of sitting.

Jaehyun felt like someone with an iron grip had embraced him and wouldn’t let him go anymore, constraining his mobility, the movement of his lungs. Or why else would it be so hard for him to breathe right now?

He started to panik.

“Tae-... I-... I can’t…”

“Okay, sit down.” Taeyong led him back to the chair, not letting go of his arm the entire time and seated himself on the stool next to him. “Yuta, please get a glass of water, quick.”

Taeyong was constantly carressing Jaehyun’s arm and shoulder, patting his back and whispering encouraging words to him that didn’t quite get through his haze of panik. He was shaking and murmuring that he was scared while Taeyong responded with even more carressing and encouraging words.

“Calm down. Breathe, calmly. It’ll be over soon. Listen. Slowly, draw breath through your nose. Count until four. Do you follow me? Okay… one… two… three… four. Hold your breath for seven seconds… six… five… four… three… two… one. Now breathe out through your mouth, but count until eight! One… two… three… four… five… six…. seven…. eight. Now repeat again. Breathe in…”

Half an hour passed by until Jaehyun could see clearly and breathe normally again. It was the first time that he had had a panic attack, and this only marked the beginning of several more.

That day, Jungwoo moved into Jaehyun’s room.

____

“Since Jungwoo moved in with him, he seems much better,” you told Seulgi, spinning in your small chair. It was the perfect metaphora to what was going on in your head.

It had been two weeks since your boyfriend’s scandal, and the internet had quickly forgotten. You had read online that people announced they would unstan NCT because of that, but that wasn’t something new to you, and the amount of people actually going through with it was so minuscule, it didn’t have an effect. 

The group’s released repackaged album ‘Neo Zone: The Final Round’ marked their best-selling album up to now and their first to exceed over one million total sales. Things were going well for the band despite the US tour they had been looking forward to so much getting temporarily postponed.

Everyone had seemed to move on. But Jaehyun had a hard time forgetting.

“His panic attacks still occur though, specifically shortly before he has to show himself in public. He fears he’s doing something wrong and then obsesses about it. Only his group members seem to be able to calm him down. I feel so… helpless.”

That was also the reason why he had stopped doing vlogs or going live. Jaehyun had never been the most approachable idol, but one could still see that he cared about his fans and that they were important to him, giving them tids and bits of himself.

Now, he had entirely shut down, because he didn’t want people to think he was self-centered and selfish. It had grown so important to him what the public thought about him as a person.

“It has quite an impact on your relationship, right?” Seulgi asked you compassionately.

You nodded. “Shutting himself off of the public meant shutting me out, too. He barely texts or even calls me, because he’s afraid people can track his record. He’s taken down his private instagram, because he’s scared it might get leaked. He only wants to meet in the dorm, because he’s afraid someone could follow him. His entire life has come to a standstill, including the parts where I play a role. Where I can understand all this and try to make his life as easy as possible, not triggering his attacks, it’s just… so hard, you know.”

“I probably don’t have to tell you that being with an idol is never easy. We’ve known each other too long for that,” Seulgi elaborated, whisking the spoon in her cup of tea and placing it back on the table. “What I want to tell you is that you should put an end to enabling. You might not be aware of this, but enabling behaviors are common when the partner suffers from a mental health condition. If your partner has anxiety, you may feel like you are being helpful if you are working to prevent them from feeling any distress. However, when you enable your partner, it prevents them from learning how to better manage their symptoms. Communicate with him about your expectations and needs. He surely wants you to as well.”

“I can tell him that I still need to communicate daily to check up on him?” you asked carefully.

Seulgi moved her head up and down so eagerly, her sleek strands stuck to the fabric of her t-shirt. 

“I can tell him that I think going out will be good for him?”

Again, a nod.

“And I can also tell him that I don’t want him to hide his attacks from me?”

“Absolutely!” Seulgi raised a finger. “And there is one more important thing.”

You widened your eyes. “Which is…?”

“Practice forgiveness.”

You didn’t know what she meant by that, and you voiced your insecurity.

“He might be angry with you for not understanding his condition. There might be times where you will feel like whatever you do is wrong. You cannot do everything right, all at once. And you, on the other hand, might get frustrated with him too. You might develop feelings of resentment, believing he doesn’t work hard enough to cope with it.” You already parted your lips to object, but Seulgi shook her head. “I know you think that you will never feel this way. But you’re wrong. At one point, we all do. And when you’re going to think this, you’re going to feel guilty. Then, you have to forgive him and forgive yourself as well.” 

You already felt guilty for having been mad at him once when he had canceled on you. Aside from still hiding his attacks from you, he still hadn’t explained to you what you should do when he might have a panic attack as he wanted to avoid having you witness that at all costs.

“Practice forgiveness,” you repeated. “I see.”

“It helps you let go of pent-up tension and anxiety, and you don’t even have to enable for that. I specifically said ‘practice’, because honestly, forgiving is easier said than done and mistakes from the past get carried around way too long.”

“Seulgi…” You cocked up your brow. “You sound as wise as Taeyong. It’s eerie.”

“Of course. We’re the bestest of company friends!”

____

Jaehyun typically tended to keep his thoughts and worries to himself. It was a long, emotional ride until you got him where you needed him to be with you: straight-forward, raw and achingly honest. 

There were times you talked until the crack of dawn, and even though you were not fighting in the conventional way, you were still raising your voices and crying. First, because everything seemed so frustrating. Then, because you felt like a huge burden had been lifted off the both of you.

With Covid merging into its second, graver wave, life slowed down again. Not only for ordinary people like you, but in the idol world as well. Jaehyun didn’t have to go anywhere anymore except for when mc-ing for Inkigayo, and he was already so settled there that he didn’t have problems being on camera.

Amidst a once so bright and hectic life, Jaehyun found beauty in the silence and peace earth had currently forced him into, probably at the right time for him.

He let time fix the crack in his perfect facade.

____

And here you were again, out in public, in hats and masks, but he was finally willing to meet somewhere else outside of his dorm, even if it was only in the park nearby. You had willingly waited for him to come for you, to make this decision himself.

Today, it was warm and sunny, but not many people were roaming around outside, so it was the perfect opportunity to get Jaehyun to adjust to public life again.

He wanted you to behave normally, not always asking how he was feeling about certain things or walking on eggshells around him. If you didn’t treat him normally, he wouldn’t know what normal was anymore, so you gave it your best as you walked around side by side, and also hand in hand as no one, except for a few elderly people, passed by you every now and then.

As you witnessed how Jaehyun was staying relaxed, you could let go of all the worries now as well. It was almost like before. Almost.

That was until you sensed his fingers cramping around yours, and his breathing now coming in hitches.

“Yun-” You stopped in your tracks. Then, you also heard the noises, most likely coming from young people around the corner. 

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun calmed you down, and his hand loosened around yours. “Somehow… it’s okay. It’s going away.”

“Really?”

Taeyong had taught you the breathing method that he usually practiced when Jaehyun had a panic attack again. You had studied it together with him thoroughly in case it would happen when you were together. You were prepared, you were ready to accompany him through this.

“Really.” And then, his breathing became normal again. “It passed by. For the first time… oddly, it just withdrew.”

“How come?” You bent your head in question. 

Jaehyun shrugged, but a soft smile was coming forward on his lips. “I don’t doubt that you play a huge part in calming the atmosphere. In keeping me calm. And that nature has this kind of effect on me too. It’s… healing.”

“I’m not doing anything,” you said, not quite understanding where this enlightenment came from.

But neither was Jaehyun. “I assume… that’s the two places where I feel comfortable and relaxed the most. With you. With nature.”

You didn’t let it show, but it was the best and most genuine compliment he could have given you. All ‘I love you’’s and ‘I miss you’’s aside, this message rooted from deep within, from the bottom of his heart, and he meant it all.

“You want to continue walking?” you asked and squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“Yes.”

If making him feel better, feel more relaxed, would mean touring the park for hours, then you would willingly and happily do so. 

“I’m not sad about the US tour getting entirely canceled. I’m relieved even. Is that bad?” he suddenly opened up.

From the way Jaehyun worded it, it seemed like this was something that had been on his mind for a very long time and something that he hadn’t let the other group members in on. How would he be able to, when everyone had been brooding for weeks that the tour had suddenly definitely been canceled?

You shook your head. “If it sets your heart at ease, don’t ever feel bad for anything.”

“You sound like Taeyong. It’s eerie.”

You chuckled. “It rubs off.”

“But seriously… I’m relieved that I have more time to adjust to my new condition. To learn how to deal with it and live with it as the person I am now. The therapist says that I’m on the right path, and when I tell him about what happened today, he may acknowledge it as a milestone. I know people curse this entire lockdown that the pandemic brought along, but to me, it came at the right time. Life slowed down, and so can I. As idols, we barely have free time, and now, I have so much time in my hands, I don’t know what to do first.”

“Tell me about it,” you encouraged him. “I want to know about every single one of your plans. What’s on your long list? What did you always want to do and can finally convert?”

“I want to play more basketball. I want to play more piano. And you know what? I also want to write my own songs, compose songs again… yeah, that’s something I would want to do.”

Jaehyun was perking up and you really loved seeing this look on his face. Even through a mask his eye smile really stood out. And like his words, it was genuine and almost like before his world broke down. Almost. “Go on.”

“I also want to try simple things like baking. I’ve never baked in my life. Did you? Can you show me?”

“Of course.”

“Now?”

“Now?”

He nodded eagerly. “Now. We’re going to buy ingredients and then we’re going to bake the first cake of mine together.”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

If it made him happy, you’d do anything with him.

____

“Take them off.”

Swallowing down the lump in your throat, you unbuttoned your shorts and slid them over your bum, down your legs. Jaehyun gazed at your lacy, red underwear and slowly traced his fingers up your thigh, making his way under the seam of your panties. He pulled the fabric aside, baring you. You ran your hand up his chest and wrapped it around the back of his neck. 

By gently running his fingers down the side of your face, he forced your lids closed. Only seconds later, you felt his tongue gliding up your slit, causing you to gasp and your entire body to tense.

“Oh, Yuno.”

“Shhhh, it’s in the middle of the night.”

“I don’t have roommates or anything.”

“But the walls here are paper thin too, so better be safe than sorry and risk awkward stares from your neighbors.”

Before you could retort anything, he licked you up and down slowly, dragging his tongue over your clit. Your fingers buried themselves into the thick linen of your sheets as Jaehyun latched out onto your nub, sucking it gently into his mouth.

You arched your back up, your front teeth sinking into your bottom lip, biting hard into the flesh as you opened your eyes up and angled your neck to watch what he was doing to you. Jaehyun groaned and swirled his tongue around you, tugging your clit out between his lips and diving back in for more, repeatedly.

The pulse between your legs throbbed as blood collected in your nether regions, causing the warmth at your entrance to expand as you simultaneously grew wetter. You hadn’t deemed it possible as you had already had sex before, but apparently, Jaehyun had another mission tonight.

It was the first time in a long while that he was in the mood for sex again, and even though the past weeks had been hard in that term, you had patiently waited until he was ready again - just like him in the beginning. And today was the day.

Jaehyun pushed up one of your knees, fully opening you to him, and started to go harder and faster, more intense and more greedy. His tongue licked, his lips grabbed and sucked until he covered you with his entire mouth, massaging and draping over your clit until your cries only came out as hollow whimpers.

When he finally dived in, penetrating you with his tongue, you begged for release. “Please, Yuno, please…”

You bucked your hips, trying to get deeper and meet him, your breasts swaying back and forth in rhythm. Moving with him, you felt the tingling constantly building up more and more as his tongue worked inside of you, now having support from his hand as well.

“Oh god, Yuno, yes, yes, yes!”

Every muscle in your body contracted so tightly, your orgasm exploded, spreading through your entire body to the very tips of every limb. If your neighbors awkwardly stared at you after this, it would have been totally worth it. 

After the past, cloudy months, life seemed happy, normal for the both of you again in terms of personal matters. You spent as much time with each other as possible as the group barely had schedules, and to you, it felt like a relationship with someone who was not an idol. An ordinary guy. You wanted to enjoy it for as long as it still lasted.

“I’m so glad that you are much happier.” You tucked a strand of Jahyun’s hair behind his ear when he laid down next to you, but it got loose right away again.

He faced you from the side and brushed his thumb over your cheek. “Me too.” 

____

But life during the pandemic was hard on the entire band. 

At first, they had taken this idle state as an opportunity to work on their own, private projects, writing lyrics, composing, dancing and just doing the things normal young men did without the pressure of being idols. They discovered new hobbies, went to the gym and spent time with family and friends. They enjoyed having little to no obligations for once in their young lives.

But when month after month passed with no end to the pandemic in sight, with travel restrictions and with the entire world seemingly shutting down, they came to the realization that this state would probably not only be temporary. 

Before, during comebacks, the group headed to the salon at 1am, left for the broadcasting station at 4am and rehearsed there until 9am. Then, they continued filming content for a few hours and had to be at the live music shows around afternoon where they only finished later in the evening if they didn’t have fan signings events. All that with only a few hours of breaks in between. The next day, this process repeated. Every single day.

You weren’t surprised that they enjoyed this quiet and peaceful lifestyle at first. But you also weren’t surprised when they slowly grew restless. Those young men were born for the stage, it was not only their job, but what they actually lived for, why they had come so far, and a few advertisements here and there couldn’t fill the void that was steadily growing inside each of them.

They were worried about their future that had once seemed so prosperous. Worried about whether a future as this band was actually still in the books for them as they had given up everything for it.

But Jaehyun was one of the few who didn’t worry much.

Despite life having almost come to a standstill, he had gotten an offer he couldn’t decline in the middle of the year. As each member of NCT began looking and hoping to establish a career elsewhere, the opportunity just flew into Jaehyun’s lap.

Of course he had played with the thought of being an actor. But in the past, all his possibilities had gotten declined, because he was so involved in the growing international recognition of NCT, and that was where his newly awakened curiosity stemmed from. For the first time since joining the band, he played with the idea that there was something else he would like to base his future on, something he deemed more relaxed with less pressure on public appearance than the schedule of an idol.

It had taken Jaehyun much time, many angry tantrums and more convincing reasons to have his management approve as they were mainly worried about what his fan base might think about him openly forming a relationship with someone, even possibly having to act out kissing scenes. They wanted to keep him entirely in NCT for as long as possible, for all the fame and popularity he attracted.

But Jaehyun didn’t care, and he went through hell and back with his management until they reluctantly acknowledged that during these times, it was the only way to not let him drift into the background and finally let him officially accept the role als Cha Minho in Dear. M.

Filming began in October.

____

“No message from him today either?”

You felt Seulgi rubbing soothing patterns on your back as you stared at your phone that was placed in front of you on the table. It had been an entire week without Jaehyun calling you, and the only sign of life came through a kakaotalk emoji three days ago. Since then, you had been left on unread.

“When we got together, he promised me something.”

“I know. I haven’t seen him lately either though.”

“I’m aware he’s filming, mc-ing and simultaneously preparing for the comeback next month, but is it so hard?” you complained, turning to your friend. “Just shooting the person, who you’re apparently in love with so much, who should be the one you think of the most, one single text by the end of the day to tell them you’re alive and okay? I don’t get it.”

“Sometimes, it indeed is,” Seulgi carefully tried to explain. “Sometimes, during comebacks, we try to squeeze 48 hours of work into 24, and we use the free minutes in between to just come down and rest, do things for us without worrying about anyone or anything else. We need that. Sometimes, it’s much harder than it sounds.”

“Even during such times, he usually managed to do it.” You let out a rush of air, suppressing the boiling anger that threatened to come out with your following words, “Since he started filming, we barely see each other, talk to each other. When we do, he hardly has anything to share with me and I do most of the talking. It’s been two months, and for almost just as long I feel like I’ve been single again. Am I demanding too much?” 

Seulgi shrugged. “I’m sure that when you two talk, you can sort it out. I wouldn’t know either how it is to be an idol and an actor at the same time.”

“I asked him when I could see him again, but he didn’t even read that.” 

“You know what?” Your friend arose from your seat. “Put on your jacket, you’re going over to the dorm.” 

Your brows moved together to express confusion as you voiced your concerns, “I’ve never been over without informing him before.”

“Then it’s time. He sleeps at home every night, right? 

____

“No, Jaehyun isn’t here,” Taeyong told you upon opening the door. “He hasn’t been here in a few days. He sleeps over close to the set, because he’s got a few night shoots ahead of him.”

“Oh.” You dropped your head, feeling like ordered food that hadn’t been picked up, so embarrassed as well.

And Taeyong noticed, his mien softening. “You… haven’t known.”

“No.”

On your way here, your disappointment had gradually shifted to anticipation, a touch of happiness even as you had hoped to see your boyfriend again. Now, every little approach of making you feel better about this relationship got destroyed by his band mate breaking it down to you that he had been gone for a few days already without informing you.

But it wasn’t sadness that settled in instead, replacing shame. It was burning anger, starting off as a low flame in the pit of your stomach that was fastly growing and threatening to expand into a full wildfire so intense, you would feel it in the tips of your fingers. 

You weren’t worried that Jaehyun was cheating on you. This was something you had never considered to be stressed about, because if a man wanted to cheat, he would, and there was nothing one could do to prevent it. You had chosen to trust the man you loved, and you still did.

What worried you was that he might have let the importance of this relationship slip, neglecting it, neglecting you. And it hurt as hell.

“You know what I’ve been doing?” You drew your brows together at Taeyong’s randomness, your fists clenched as you silently remarked. “I was just finishing up a new song I composed. You want to be the first one to listen to it?”

You knew what he was trying to do. To be a good friend to you by suggesting that you didn’t need to have your time wasted after coming all the way here, and simultaneously being a good friend to Jaehyun by not disclosing to you further information about his whereabouts that might hurt you.

He was such a sweetheart, and you clearly understood more why Seulgi treasured their friendship so much.

Your fingers relaxed, dropping to your sides. “Sure.” You stepped into the dorm, and it was unexpectedly quiet. Most of the others must have all gone out. “How’s it called?”

“Dark Clouds.”

What a fitting title to your current mood as well.

____

“Everything okay?” Jaehyun asked you under his breath.

You nodded and pulled his face back to yours, the sweaty tips of his bangs tickling your forehead as your lips locked again in a hard kiss that left you both winded. His rhythmic thrusts inside of you jarred your body to every last fiber, and you tried to focus on all the favorable things he made you feel during this act despite your thoughts always drifting off.

Same hotel room, same short-lived night in the arms of your boyfriend. 

You knew it was only a few hours that you could spend with him before you had to sneak out again as the other actors and actresses resided in the building as well, and you should better enjoy the very limited time you had together. But today, you felt especially insecure about your relationship.

Still having him move on top of you, you hugged Jaehyun harder against your chest as though to make sure that you were still present and somehow alive, and he let out an affirmative groan that broke through the quietness of rustling sheets and heavy panting, only the dim light of the bedside lamp giving you the possibility to catch a glimpse at his satisfied expression that you couldn’t relate with.

“...yes,” he whispered into your ear, his fingers curling into yours which he then pressed into the pillow. “Almost there.”

Licking you all the way up from the hollow of your chin to your lips, for a moment, you had the feeling to finally be able to let yourself fall and relish this very rare moment. But as soon as you weighed yourself in the safety of his welcoming arms, your mind went astray again to rather unpleasant thoughts.

Perhaps, it was because you hadn’t seen each other in two weeks again and wished for a few hours more. Most likely though, it was because of the smile which he now directed at you. The smile of which you knew didn’t differ much from the one he directed at every crowd whenever he stood on stage and that you experienced in person less and less.

He was here with you, physically. But you still missed him dearly.

You were far from being on the same page as his body convulsed on top of you, and the pain that you felt emotionally nearly turned physical as you weren’t able to share this special moment with him, that was how much it affected you, growing into tears that started flowing the second his body came down next to you.

“That was amazing.”

Jaehyun wanted to pull you into an embrace, sliding his fingers between your thighs already to finish you off himself, and he was still so in the mood that your disconnection totally passed by him, even when you turned to the other side, brushing off his hand.

It was not until the tears dropped onto the sheets, leaving a dark stain, and with you arising from the bed that he sensed something wasn’t right with you. And he was quick to react by grabbing you by your wrist, making you stop.

“Hey…” His voice was soft, attentive - a rare occurrence lately. But it came too late. “What’s wrong?”

So many things were wrong. 

You considered yourself a fitting girlfriend for an idol in terms of tolerance, support and patience. But what you had gone through these past weeks, you didn’t wish upon your biggest enemy. The constant uncertainty, the minimum of communication, the lack of physical closeness. The sheer fact that your relationship had grown so unimportant to your boyfriend that whatever you did to prevent it, was to no avail.

It was like your boyfriend and the idol inside of him, who had been two different people in the meantime, couldn’t be differentiated anymore. It was like the Jaehyun who had jumped right into bed with a trainee after confessing his attraction to you was back. You could only desperately search for the person you loved in this idol’s eyes. 

The person you loved would text you more than a one liner per week to keep in touch with you. The person you loved wouldn’t toss the pictures you had taken together into the abyss of their phone. The person you loved wouldn’t call you over for a few hours at night only like an escort girl. The person you loved would do everything in their might to show you that you were different from everyone else.

You couldn’t find this person in Jaehyun. Not anymore.

You knew that your boyfriend was still there somewhere, somehow, but you hadn’t seen him in so long already, and you wondered whether he could ever take off this idol’s mask ever again or whether this was the person he had turned into now and would keep. But you wanted to be with your boyfriend, not an idol.

“I want to go.”

You cried silently as you fished for your underwear and slowly dressed yourself despite Jaehyun’s protests in the background. He held your hand, he hugged you, he shook you, desperate to make you stay, but his voice seemed worlds afar, a montone ring only audible in your ears.

On your way out, you hit over a vase, but you couldn’t care less about it as you were only fixated on collecting your belongings and storming out of the room before his muscular arms would wrap around you again, and you knew for sure that this time, you couldn’t withstand for that long but would fall back into his embrace again once he touched you.

“Please! Stay!”

Jaehyun luckily struggled with his clothes, giving you enough time to open the door and closing it shut behind you a second later. Your shoes in your hand, you ran to the elevator, only hearing his room open again before you were gone from the floor.

At this very moment, you were more relieved than sad.

____

By the end of the year, NCT looked into a brighter future upon releasing their second studio album ‘Resonance Pt. 1’ & ‘Pt. 2’ as a whole, reunited group and stood on the big stage again.

It all came back. The spotlight, the fame, the success. Everything was going well.

Especially for the perfectly restored idol Jaehyun.

____

2021

“Congratulations on finishing filming!”

You had baked Jaehyun a cake. It had three soft and fluffy layers with raspberry buttercream between each of them, covered with vanilla frosting and an elaborate writing that was exactly the first word you had just now directed at him. It was also similar to the first cake you had baked together. But Jaehyun barely spared it a glance.

“I’m so tired.” He directly threw himself onto your bed, the mattress giving in under him with a squeak.

“You don’t want a slice?” Your gaze shifted between him and the cake, and you were so dumbfounded by this passive reaction to your surprise gesture that you didn’t quite know how to properly react.

“No, I’m still on a diet.” You didn’t see him rolling his eyes, but you clearly sensed it. “You know.”

“Filming is over. Aren’t you supposed to eat whatever you can now?”

“But this appearance is what will get me famous. Like Eunwoo.”

This time, you were the one to roll your eyes, and you did it right in his field of vision. You were so tired of hearing sentences like “When this drama airs, I will become more known in the acting world, getting more important jobs” or “It’s my springboard, I have to continue working hard and cannot slack off.” 

With every sentence, he was indicating that the time before he had turned into an idol-actor wouldn’t come back, and the way he was behaving now still was proving it to you quite the hard way. There was no sign of Yuno anymore, and it had been so long since you had last seen him.

It didn’t feel like you were in a relationship at all anymore, and despite you doing everything in your might to change that, giving your all, giving your best, it was expected that your partner needed to meet you at least halfway. But Jaehyun didn’t even meet you at the starting point.

He simply didn’t care anymore.

Disappointed, but not surprised, you got a slice of cake for yourself and seated yourself at the table, quietly eating the cake while Jaehyun was playing on his phone, and you bit down every single tear that burned at the rim of your eyes. At least, he was planning on staying the night, but you knew that you only fooled yourself into thinking that this might save your relationship, clinging onto every last straw.

Your Yuno was still there, you knew that. He was just hiding behind this cold, indifferent idol that only seemed to care about himself. As long as you didn’t give up too, there was still hope that you could get him back.

“The 97-liners are going to a club tonight. They just texted me. Mind if I join them?”

This time, you didn’t try to conceal your disappointment. And your anger. “This is the first evening in two weeks that we’ve seen each other again, despite you being back for a few days already.” You spoke slowly and clearly, but not to get your point through, but to tame your pent-up anger.

“We saw each other at the dorm three days ago.” Jaehyun raised his eyebrows as though he really believed a sit-in with his band mates where he had rarely paid attention to you equaled a couple date. “Do you want to start this discussion again?”

“Hell yes I will!” You threw your fork back onto the table, your voice dripping with rage. “The past months, we’ve hardly spent time together! And no, I’m not counting the nights you sneaked me in and out of a hotel room like a prostitute! That’s what I am to you right now, aren’t I, Jaehyun?!”

“I told you I was busy filming, you knew I was busy filming!” He now sat up on the bed, annoyance drawn all over his face and his tone just as filled with fury. “I’m not only an idol now, but an actor as well! I will get busier! That’s my life! You knew before you got together with me!”

“I got together with a person who cared about me! About making this relationship work despite his job, despite his busy schedule! Not a celebrity with his head in the clouds who only cares about his career!”

Jaehyun sharply shot back at you, “Aren’t I supposed to make the most out of my life?! To live my dream, reaching for the stars?! Why would you want to be a hindrance?!”

“A hindrance?!” you shrieked in disbelief and pointed a trembling finger at him. “No! You don’t get to turn my words around like that! That’s not what I’ve been telling you, Jaehyun! You know I support your career endlessly! I’m your biggest supporter, your motivator, can’t you remember?!” Your finger then dropped to the cake and the writing on it that said ‘Congratulations’. “You don’t get to twist the story to your advantage, because you realize that I’m right!”

Jaehyun bared his teeth, the edges of his mouth turning up. That smile was not kind. Mean even, almost eerie. You shuddered at his slow, ice cold voice. “You think that you’re in the right alone, don’t you? Then try concentrating on your work with your girlfriend texting you all day long about unimportant stuff just to stay in touch. Try paying attention to learning the script and staying focused with someone at home blowing up your phone, because she doesn’t get enough attention. Try not growing dismissive and unattached to that person, because whenever you get a new message, a new call, it stresses you out, adding more pressure and strain to your already hard job. Try not starting to resent that person for all that. You think you’re in the right alone? Surprise! You’re not.”

There was no reason to be so nasty about it, using such hurtful wording, but Jaehyun was all that, every word like a dagger that bore into your heart. “Why haven’t you told me all that?” Your words, only like a whisper with water collecting in your eyes.

“Because, like every other girl before, you just won’t listen.” He was standing now, but made no move to get close to you, to pull you into an embrace and tell you that everything was going to be fine again, that you would work this out together. Instead, his following words were like a cold bucket of iced water that got poured over you all at once. “You just won't understand that every now and then, I can’t give you what every other guy could. Sometimes, the truth is that I don’t want to give it to you. Sometimes, I want to be a boyfriend. Sometimes, I want to be an idol. Right now, I want to be an idol and an actor, and most of the time, there is only room for two out of three.”

“I’m annoying you?” You felt like you got wrapped up in cotton, so sedated. “You don’t want me anymore?” 

“God, why wouldn’t you-!” He led his fingers to his temples as though he was getting a headache from your questions. “Sometimes, it’s not about you! This time, it’s about me, what I want! I can’t give you ‘the boyfriend’, because it’s not my priority right now! I’m still young, there is so much I can still venture, and I want it all!”

“But that’s not how it works when you have decided to be in a relationship,” you disagreed, tears now streaming down your cheeks, yet he still didn’t seem to care. “You can’t just call me when you need someone to warm your bed. You made a commitment, you have to nurture our relationship, care about it. What is the point in not doing so, in shoving it away when it’s not convenient for you, when it doesn’t fit your schedule? You don’t want it anymore?”

Your stomach churned, and you suddenly felt so sick, having it run hot and cold down your spine. Had you really been suffocating him, demanding too much and not adapting to his circumstances and needs? Perhaps, requiring to stay in contact every day when you were exhausted and overworked wasn’t what your partner needed. But if it was what you needed on your end, how would you ever find a common ground?

Of course you had silently thought about breaking up. So many times already, if you were being honest, and the amount of thoughts revolving around that topic was only increasing with each passing day. But now that the proposal had vocally slipped from your mouth, you wished you could take it back. 

You wanted him to deny it, to fight for you. But even now, he didn’t seem to care. For this Jaehyun, you wouldn’t willingly or happily do anything anymore. He had drained you of your perseverance, joy, goodwill, spirit and life, and had given you nothing in return. This Jaehyun didn’t deserve any of it. He didn’t deserve you.

“Why would you still want it?” was his monotone question in return.

You sank onto your knees now, your face buried in your palms. “Because I love you, Yuno. Don’t you… love me too?”

“I don’t know.” Again, no softness or feelings in his tone. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

When he walked out of the room shortly after, leaving you there alone in your puddle of tears, you realized you might have lost Yuno forever to the cocky, selfish Jaehyun.

____

Two weeks later, it was officially announced that the premiere of the first episode of Dear. M was going to be postponed due to emerging school time bullying allegations against the lead actress. 

Only shortly before, you had officially broken up with Jaehyun after tip-toeing around that topic for so long. Even then, he hadn’t seemed to care much and had only responded with a shrug.

When the news about Jaehyun’s postponed drama had first reached you, you wanted to call him immediately, knowing how hard he had worked for it. Just because you had split from someone for you both to lead a better life, didn’t mean you stopped loving and caring about this person.

But you didn’t reach out.

____

Jaehyun was struggling with a heartbreak and a scandal at the same time. The latter again, the first was new to him in that intensity. 

He knew it was best for you to let go of him as he hadn’t been able to give you what you were expecting from a relationship, and for him to not lose focus of what he still wanted to achieve in life. At first, he had only felt relief, as ruthless as it might sound, but it felt like a huge responsibility had been lifted off his shoulders.

Then, a few nights later, alone in his bed while scrolling through your old pics that he had kept buried in his phone, he had cried. And the night after that. And the night after that. Even now, two months later, this heavy feeling still laid itself around his chest, making it hard for him to breathe when he was alone, similar to his panic attacks in the past. 

Only with this feeling, there was no method to lessen the pain.

“I’m not a kind person anymore, Taeyong.” Jaehyun kneaded his fingers as he was sitting in the grass, the warm spring sun warming his face under the mask. “I don’t know what happened. This is not me. I dread video calls with fans, and it shows. I don’t direct nice words at other people anymore, and they notice. I don’t care about feelings, about hurt anymore. What’s happening with me?”

Taeyong fiddled with the camera in his hands that he had used to take photos shortly before. He had brought his friend to this botanical garden to stroll around in nature as for him, it always held a calming and relaxing atmosphere, and this was something he suggested Jaehyun needed. Some healing time in one of his favorite places to be, pure nature.

“You’ve let this life consume you,” Taeyong broke it down to him, the harsh truth, and settled in the grass next to him. “You got lost. You thought you were going to be a big star, that you didn’t need anyone anymore. You started to only care about yourself and neglected the people around you. And I’m not only referring to your ex, but also to us. You pushed them all away.”

“Lost, hm.”

In the end, he had really come so far. Lost in this world, in this part of him that he had wanted to keep caged and only let out when he was in the spotlight. The part of him that savored his position on stage a bit too much - it had fully taken control of him.

Jaehyun ruffled his hair that was glistening in the evening sun. It was true that he had made everything a priority except for the people who had always been there for him. Stardom had gotten to his head, but he just hadn’t wanted to lose focus when the breakthrough was so close.

… until it had gotten stripped away from him all over, and the people who were left were the ones who had always been by his side. Except for you.

Jaehyun was aware that he owed you a big apology like the one he had directed at his group mates only the day before. But he just couldn’t bring himself to, because for him, it wouldn’t change a thing about your situation despite holding so many regrets.

Jaehyun still wanted to become big, and there was only so much time he could sacrifice for a working relationship. He couldn’t give you what you wanted. And at one point, he didn’t want to as well. You deserved someone who was like the Yuno you had had a great time with, not the Jaehyun right now, hungry for success.

And as he had feared in the beginning, it had all come down to that: his life had ruined everything you had built together. People like him came to destroy, they didn’t come to stay. It just didn’t work out with ordinary partners, no matter how hard they tried, how hard they fought. At one point, they would all need to give up. Even now, he remembered Soyeon’s words.

There was no end to this pain like there was no end to the ocean’s waters. 

“How do you do it?” Jaehyun then asked Taeyong, and his friend knew directly what he meant without him having to elaborate further.

“Deep inside, I’m still only Taeyong. I didn’t lock that little boy away. I’m an idol, a composer, a leader, but I’m always also a son, a grandson and a friend. You have to embrace all of them. Don’t ever forget that.”

For Jaehyun, it was only so hard to be all of them at the same time.

If so, then he needed to let go of perfection - the sole thing he was made to identify with. If so, what would be left of him?

____

The school time bullying allegations surrounding the lead actress of Dear. M didn’t get resolved directly, and hence the premiere of the drama got postponed for an undetermined time.

Life slowed down for Jaehyun once more as he was also replaced as an mc on Inkigayo. And although some people in his group held grudges against him until now for the way he had acted so indifferent towards the band during drama filming, he entered his own redemption arc.

Jaehyun spent more time doing things for himself like playing the guitar, the keyboard or attempting to compose songs. He went to the gym with Xiaojun, accompanied Taeyong to his friend’s recording studio and even started playing basketball again with his non idols friends.

Still, he didn’t consider being in a relationship anymore at this point in his life. He wanted to learn how to love himself more, embrace all parts of him, the good and the bad, before he would find himself in the position to transfer this love to someone else.

Right now, he was practicing pulling up temporary shields to not let negative feelings consume him, getting out of bed every morning with positive thoughts despite cruel comments, and looking out for a bright future although there seemed to be never ending hindrances.

Jaehyun still believed in love, but it was also still not his priority.

____

By the time of the release of NCT 127’s third studio album ‘Sticker’ in September, Jaehyun was almost fully back on track with himself and his career. 

‘Sticker’ was the highest pre-ordered K-pop album in one day and got sold over 2.4 million times within a week after its release. On top of that, ‘Sticker’ also became the highest ranking K-pop album on the chart in 2021, followed by the release of the repackaged album ‘Favorite’ that didn’t fall short in terms of success, making it the best selling album from the company. 

But Jaehyun still wanted more. He didn’t only want to be an idol. As an idol, his success was limited. In five or ten years, he couldn’t and possibly didn’t want to be one anymore anyway when the contract ended and his band mates all decided to go their own ways, so Jaehyun considered getting a foot into any door before time ran up.

If they wouldn’t air ‘Dear. M’, then he would find something else, no matter how hard he would need to fight for it. And Jaehyun fought like a tiger. For every offer, magazine shoot, ambassador position, another drama, movie, the release of a solo song - to no avail.

So Jaehyun didn’t quite understand why they let him take on one of the lead roles in the remake of the movie ‘Bungee Jumping of Their Own’. Out of all romcoms which he had gotten offered that would make a great start to kick off his acting career, the management had decided that he would do this specific movie that immediately drew attention for its content.

But Jaehyun wouldn’t complain. He would adapt. Perhaps, not debuting with a romcom was exactly what he was looking for. Having to deal with such an extraordinary plot would get him some great recognition as a debut actor who didn’t go by the stigma of an idol rookie actor playing the dreamy playboy. His natural talent and hard working attitude would not get overshadowed by his looks, letting people see past his perfect outward appearance.

It was a great opportunity, and Jaehyun took it, positively looking into the future, full of hope.

____

Jaehyun didn’t want to continue anymore.

Yet, he stood on the stage of Gocheok Sky Dome and sang in front of all these people who were attending the first concert in the ‘Neo City - The Link’ tour when inwardly, he only wanted to disappear. 

Witnessing how his band mates were jumping, singing and laughing around him and none of this merriness transferred to him, Jaehyun believed that he couldn’t feel anything anymore. But he needed to play along, jumping, singing and laughing with them.

Since the cancellation of ‘Bungee Jumping of Their Own’ due to the author’s religious beliefs and his management confessing that they had only used this news for clout, there had been more than one occasion where Jaehyun had thought about quitting all this, even standing on the big stage.

He had the looks, but they only wanted him to be the poster child of his band. He had the talent, but it didn’t get supported. He had the determination, but he was chained to a tight contract for a few more years.  

What was it worth living for if you couldn’t live your dream?

He was currently feeling so lost again. And that was also the name of his solo stage’s name that night, ‘Lost’.

He had written it at a time when he was feeling lonely. He still did. Throughout the downs of the past months, he had wished that you were there to take him into your arms and comfort him like back then during his Itaewon scandal. But Jaehyun also knew that he didn’t deserve you thinking about him, and didn't deserve an ounce of your forgiveness.

Yet, he poured all his feelings into this song, hoping that somehow, they would reach you. That you would be scrolling through the internet later that night and stumble upon videos and articles, listening to the lyrics and knowing exactly that he was singing about you, even though you weren’t physically there.

….

“It's been a long time since you're gone

Still filled up with the scent of your warmth

And staring at a blank wall

Drawing what's been natural”

….

It had almost been a year since your break up, and for the most time, he had been blind to the truth. If you didn’t have supporters on the path to success and just dropped everyone along the way because you see them as baggage, who would be waiting for you once you’ve reached the greatest of heights? Who would stand at the top, cheering for you as you sprinted the last meters, sharing your happiness? And who would, at the same time, wait at the bottom to catch you when you fell just to help you up again?

….

“The days are empty and without you

It's just me on my side

But when my arms are around you

There's nothing else to crave”

….

Jaehyun tried so hard to bite down his tears as his feelings seemed to bristle all at once. On stage, he was so vulnerable, all eyes and cameras on him only, every tone heard, every expression monitored. But that was the only way that you could see him, hear him out, so he endured all of it. Jaehyun had so many regrets, but he also knew he was too late.

….

“But I need to say (Oh, I feel so lost)

‘Nobody else,’ but need you to stay

By any chance, it might've been too late, too late”

….

If you didn’t forgive him, then he only wanted to make sure that you acknowledged what he was singing. What he was still feeling after all.

But curtain call, and another two concerts passed by without another word from you.

____

2022

In January, NCT 127 won the daesang at the Seoul Music Awards. They were at the peak of their career.

But to Jaehyun, it still meant nothing.

In 2023, Taeil would be joining the army. Taeyong possibly after that, and with their leader gone, Jaehyun wasn’t sure whether they would stay with this constellation, shift entirely or each member going on doing their own thing. He probably only had one year left.

But Jaehyun didn’t even know what his own thing was. He was good at singing, playing instruments, composing, writing lyrics and even acting if he said so himself, but none of that seemed to get him to the same level as Taeyong, for example, who had released one solo demo after another on his Soundcloud. Of course Jaehyun had accompanied him and had been supported by him, but after long writing and composing sessions he felt even more confused than before.

With all of his solo projects getting either indefinitely postponed, canceled or beaten down by his own management, Jaehyun felt disheartened and discouraged. Like a failure, and even his perfect visuals couldn’t get him out of this slump except for pulling off a few grimaces when he got asked to do aegyo in fancalls once again.

He dreaded his current life. And he didn’t care about perfection anymore. From one day to the other, he just stopped caring about that. He was aware now that, even though it seemed like it from the outside thanks to his good looks and his public image, with everything real he had done and gone through:

Jaehyun was far from being perfect. 

He had never, ever been. He had been forced to play this certain role since debut, and it had restricted him from living his best life, who he truly was and wanted to be.

He was a liar, and he was deceiving everyone, playing the charming prince when someone else inside of him, someone more real, begged to be set free, released into the world for everyone to see. Perfection was a curse and there was no one to lift it.

“You want to come to the studio with me?” Taeyong peeked through the door, but Jaehyun just pulled the blanket over his head and turned to the wall. 

“No.”

He couldn’t quite remember the last day he had seen more than this room, most of his free time getting spent sleeping since the end of the promotions. Jaehyun was kind of grateful, no, more relieved, that there were no plans for a comeback soon or any kind of bigger job for him, so he could spend all of his time in his bed, far away from the spotlight.

The spot next to him on the mattress gave in, and Jaehyun rolled his eyes as he noticed his friend getting seated next to him on the bed. 

“I liked the cocky, reckless Jaehyun from before more, even though he wasn’t a very nice person,” Taeyong said quietly, his fingers draping over the duvet where he assumed his friend’s shoulder to be, continuously rubbing soothing patterns into it. “At least he was woke. Alive. Lively. Most of all, I liked Yuno of course. Aside from being determined and full of light, he was also kind. This Jaehyun…” Taeyong paused. “This Jaehyun scares me.”

The sheets rustled, but Jaehyun made no efforts to show himself to his friend. Taeyong didn’t remember when he had last come out of his room either except for using the bathroom. Lately, Jungwoo usually brought food into the shared bedroom which he had mainly left untouched in the beginning. With time, Jaehyun’s appetite hadn’t increased, but at least he was now willing to eat half of each dish. 

Taeyong also couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Jaehyun shower. And he must know, because when they had left him alone in the bathroom the week prior, they had to call for Johnny to break the door open, because Jaehyun had spent too much time locked in it, worrying all of them. In the end, he had only laid in the tub and blandly stared at the tiles for hours until the water had all run cold.

“Yuno is dead,” Jaehyun muttered under the blanket. “His dreams all shattered. He doesn’t have a future.”

“Then Taeyong is dead, too.”

“What are you saying… Without Taeyong, there is no NCT.”

“Without you, there is no NCT either.”

“But what can I contribute as an artist?” Despite his voice only coming out muffled, Taeyong suspected underlying frustration in his tone. “Apparently, I’m not a good enough singer, not a good enough rapper, not a good enough composer, not a good enough actor, not good enough… not good enough in anything! There is always someone a bit better. I’m just average, except for my face, perhaps. But even by that, there are people others deem as equally traditionally handsome. What do I have to offer, what can I contribute? I’m not like you.”

“You think being me is a free ride to everything? Almost all of my solo projects get ditched, postponed or entirely dropped. Yet, I continue on. It’s not our fault we don’t get supported, we all are aware of that,” Taeyong clarified. 

“Why do I feel like the mistreatment isn’t as grave elsewhere?” Jaehyun stated his conception.

“The grass always seems greener on the other side. But trust me, it isn’t.” Taeyong continued, “And don’t even talk about you being average. You might not be the leader, but you’re the axis. You’re the one who grasps the balance, never wavering. To us, you’re in the middle, and the middle is responsible to keep the balance going. The middle is not average, the middle is a jack of all trades. It’s a very important position. What you just haven’t found is the identity for you as an individual artist.” Taeyong paused. “Your efforts will never betray you. All your efforts will pay off. Even if it’s not with this company. Even if it’s not now.”

Jaehyun remained quiet. He had heard Taeyong say this motivational sentence so often, but the last part was new. He pondered over it, and then came to the realization that it scared him, that he had been beat down and didn’t know how to get up again. 

“I still want it. I don’t want to give up on being an idol just yet. It’s everything I’ve worked so hard for.” Little Jaehyun also had had a dream back then, and the Jaehyun now was shattering everything he had pathed the way for. “Yuno is not dead. He’s only hiding.”

“Then let him come out. Let him live,” Taeyong urged him. “You don’t have to. Let Yuno take over again, let him enjoy the things he likes, the things he’s worked so hard for, just a bit more. Let him take over again and let this Jaehyun rest for just a bit. We have to be patient, savoring what lies in front of us now. We all dream big, but perhaps, it’s just not our time yet to take over the world. Perhaps, we’re not ready yet.”

Now, Taeyong’s patting motions felt soothing, not heavy anymore. What Jaehyun hadn’t considered was that probably, all of his members felt his way. 

He wasn’t alone.

The next day looked much brighter to him as he sat up in the morning and joined Taeyong for breakfast in the kitchen.

____

But coming out of this slump wasn’t easy for Jaehyun. He wanted to, he really did, but it was just so hard. On some days, he was laughing and joking and being productive, and on others, he simply didn’t get up, canceling meetings and schedules.

When one evening, he was sitting motionlessly at the edge of the bathtub again, too tired to get dressed in more than his boxers, droplets falling from the tips of his wet hair to his shoulders and too exhausted to even shave, he heard a knock on the door. 

“It’s occupied.”

“... Please let me in.”

Jaehyun’s head shot upwards and his eyes widened. This couldn’t be… Within a second, he was by the door, the knob shaking under his grip as he struggled with opening it, but when he finally succeeded in doing so, he was looking into a pair of eyes he hadn’t seen in more than a year, but had dedicated an entire song to,

You. 

When you looked back at him at that moment, you didn’t recognize Jaehyun at all. The person who stood in front of you looked like him, but he had nothing in common with the one who you had separated from last year. 

So exhausted, so broken. So… lifeless.

You wanted to pull him into an embrace, wrap him into everything he lacked and you could share: happiness, independence, success and brightness. Where Jaehyun’s life had probably gone downhill, yours had been thriving, in your personal and work-related matters.

But you didn’t physically force yourself onto someone who was struggling. Instead, you smiled and made your way into the bathroom. You urged Jaehyun to sit back down on the tub’s edge with a curl of your finger. He followed your motion silently, and despite his lifeless interior, when you shifted around to him, you saw a glimmer in his eyes - short-lived and only barely visible, but it had been there. He was still there.

Only now, his eyes fell upon the set of fresh clothes you were carrying around. He didn’t even need to ask. He knew it was all Taeyong’s doing with the friendship you had been maintaining behind his back, and he couldn’t even be mad about it. He had decided to let you go, but Taeyong hadn’t. 

“Lift your feet,” were the first words you directed at him, and willingly, Jaehyun heaved his right one up, and you dropped to your knees, pulling the sock over his raised foot, then over the other until both were covered.

Jaehyun shivered from the touch, not because your hands were cold, but because he hadn’t let anyone come close to him emotionally, but also physically lately. And because your touches set everything free he had been trying to keep hidden and under control ever since your separation, buried in a casket in the very pits of his iced heart. Now, the lock was on the verge of bursting, and he didn’t know how much he could still take.

You were here, you were so beautiful, and once again, selflessly supportive. He didn’t deserve you. But he let you continue. 

Jaehyun let you ruffle his joggers, draping them around his ankles after slipping one foot after another into each leg, and let you pull it all the way up to his waist to fix it around his thinned middle with the band. You had brought along a plain t-shirt to dress him in as well, and Jaehyun willingly raised his hands without you needing to tell him to do so. 

Goosebumps crossed all over his skin where your fingers grazed over his exposed body, and it was the first human touch he didn’t despise one bit after all this time. The opposite even, it made him feel alive, because it made him feel something. 

At one point, when you helped Jaehyun get into the hoodie that came after, he caught himself wishing you wouldn’t stop dressing him. His entire body was engulfed with such a warmness that he thought his heart was going to explode. It was so overwhelming, he could barely take it.

“When did it all go so wrong?” were the first words he whispered, and despite you having prepared yourself for it, it still caught you off guard that Jaehyun suddenly started crying when you had expected yourself to fold first.

He still hadn’t gotten up from the tub, so you knelt once again, leaving a towel draped around his shoulders to catch the droplets falling from the strands of his hair while his tears, big and round, dropped on his new joggers, staining the fabric. You took his hands into yours, and they felt so thin and so cold as though all strength had left them for a long time already. His shoulders were shaking as he made sounds so painful, it broke your heart all over again.

Jaehyun was wishing that you two hadn’t broken up. That he hadn’t changed so much back then, rendering him blind to everything beautiful he had been surrounded by, the main attraction being you. He was also wondering whether he would still sit here in this mental and physical state if you had been with him all along instead, supporting him with love and hope.

But then he realized that yes, he would have. Because a relationship couldn’t have saved him from becoming the new Jaehyun he had turned into and destroying everything around him, even himself. Love wasn’t the thing to protect you and get shattered in the process, but to catch and heal you. He had never wanted any of that. Until now.

And now, he realized too, it was definitely too late as his gaze fell upon the golden band adorning your ring finger, with a small, shimmering stone on top of it. 

You broke through the silence first. “I listened to ‘Lost’.”

“You did?” Jaehyun furrowed.

“More than once. Over and over again.”

He smiled mildly as he looked down, locking eyes with you. “Back then, I really felt that way.”

“Now, you don’t anymore?”

“I’m still lost. But now, I wouldn’t ask you to stay anymore when I was the one responsible that we weren’t able to work out.”

“Don’t say that,” you told him, your fingers squeezing his. “Perhaps, I always wanted too much. I should have been open to adapting our relationship, my needs to what was possible for you, what you could have given me. Perhaps, we both should have instead of enforcing our own demands.”

He concluded, “I demanded too much of you.”

“And I was too willing to happily give you every part of me, and in the end I lost myself.”

“So you were lost too.” You wanted to withdraw your hands, but Jaehyun held the right one in place, the tip of his thumb outlining the ring’s stone that rested there, almost like a threat to him. His view lingered, then shot back at you, and the look in his eyes was almost as lively as in the past, almost fierce, challenging. “But now you’re here. Why?”

“Because Taeyong asked me to.” Your breathing hitched, and you prayed he wouldn’t notice. “H- he thought that maybe I could be of help when… when nobody else could.”

“Why else?”

“Be- because the oth-”

“I don’t care about what the others said,” he made himself clear, his tone even surprising him as he had lately seldomly overheard it being so strong. “Why did you decide you wanted to come here?”

“I…”

“You…?” Jaehyun held his breath.

“Because I don't want to see you like this!” you finally spilled, your fingers curling into his, not separating. “I want to see you determined, bright, laughing, joking, and full of joy! I want you to see the world, to do the things that make you happy! I want you to fulfill all your dreams! You deserve being an idol, actor, everything you’ve been working so hard for, Jaehyun! I don’t want you to watch it all go down the drain, because life decided for you to take detours, throwing hindrances at you. I believe in you. I believe that one day, you will have all the success, live your dream and be thoroughly happy. I want you to have all that!”

Jaehyun swallowed, hard. “Even if it’s not with you?”

“Specifically, it shouldn’t be with me.” Tears blurred your vision just like his, but you didn’t care. “I shouldn’t be in any of your dreams. You should build your future around what you, and only you, want.”

“In the entire idol world, you were the only thing that was real, my connection to the real world. I have lost you, and look what I have turned out to become.” His voice was shaking, and as you wiped your tears, you saw that he hadn’t stopped shedding some either.

“That’s not true.” You smiled, the corners of your lips tasting salty. “Yuno is your connection to the real world. Yuno is still there. Right now, I see him, and I feel him. Don’t cage him, let him see the world. But don’t drop this Jaehyun either. He’s strong-willed and powerful. Find the right balance between the two of them.”

“You believe in me nonetheless?” A little sigh of relief escaped from Jaehyun’s lips as he awaited your reply.

Through the tears, you kept your positive, earnest expression. “Jaehyun, I will always believe in you. But you need to believe in yourself too. You can do it.”

That was when Jaehyun realized that it might not only be a slump, and that he needed to see a therapist. If he wanted to be thoroughly happy again, he didn’t need love. Love didn’t propel him forward. He needed long term professional help again.

“Thank you.” Merely a whisper from Jaehyun. 

Gratitude, but also a goodbye, you both knew it as you still rested on your knees and Jaehyun on the tub’s edge, and you stayed like that for only a bit longer.

____

“It's been two and a half years since I came to Japan.”

Jaehyun stood on the big stage again and savored the spotlight, surrounded by over 70.000 people. 

The bright smile on his lips was honest and accompanied him throughout the entire evening. A total of 220.000 in the biggest venue in Japan on three days still couldn’t fill the parts inside of him that he had lost along his way here, the hole in his heart was just too big. But it had gotten temporarily fixed with the love of his family, friends, members and, of course, his fans. 

He wasn’t perfect anymore, and he didn’t need to be. He didn’t want to be. He owed it to no one.

But until Jaehyun would be rid of that imagine, it would take time - if he would ever get this far after all these years living up to it. But he didn’t put himself under so much pressure anymore to maintain being someone he wasn't deep inside.

Jaehyun knew that the path to the person he had ideally laid out to be was still long. Perhaps, the damage that had been done was too grave to ever reach him - a mix of Jaehyun and Yuno that was patiently waiting at the very top of the mountain - but Jaehyun would try his hardest to reach this new version of him, the best of both worlds. Even if he would miss his aim, he wanted to leave the part of his life behind that beat him down till he was too emotionally damaged to continue.

Everyday, he got up. Every day, he fought with himself. Sometimes shorter, sometimes longer. But every day, he chose to get up. 

And when one day, he felt too mentally or physically exhausted to put up a fight for longer, he gave up. But only for one day. Once in a while, it was alright for him to let himself rest, to let his heart rest. He owed it to himself. These days, he and his therapist officially called ‘rest days’. The other days, when he actually got things done, were called ‘sunny days’. 

“I only went back and forth from the hotel to the practice room, to the concert hall. I didn't realize it, but after seeing you guys I realized it! And I feel alive. Thank you for making me feel alive!”

This time, these words were no lies.

Where idol duties and fan service had been such a hard burden to him before, because he just hadn’t felt anything toward them anymore, he was now letting all the love stream into this hole the past months had left. And almost, but only almost, his heart felt close to getting entirely patched up again during these moments. Only a tiny part was still missing.

Perhaps, one day, Jaehyun’s heart would be whole again. Perhaps, it would entirely stay this way, incomplete. Perhaps, the ‘rest days’ would pile up until they prevailed over the ‘sunny days’. Perhaps, he would see his therapist more often then. But if, on the ‘sunny days’, he always felt like this, then he was sure that every morning, it would be worth it to put up a fight, no matter the outcome. At least he would have tried.

Jaehyun had it all again. And he felt so alive.

“Even though I wrote ‘Lost’ when I was lonely, I am happy now!” he told the crowd, and they cheered.

When he was singing ‘Lost’, he didn’t think about you anymore. 

He thought about his dark phase and how the ‘sunny days’ were much more fun. And he thought about how on ‘rest days’, he feared that they would stay and that he would never see the ‘sunny days’ again. But then, he closed his eyes and captured the moment. The music, the atmosphere, the crowd, his life.

And chose to stay.

Right here, on this stage. As an entirely changed man. On a sunny day even when it might be raining outside.

____

In June, Jaehyun flew to Italy to attend Milan fashion week and was officially chosen as Prada’s ambassador shortly later.

At the end of the month, ‘Dear. M’ was finally released and got him the attention with his acting debut, his performance critically acclaimed.

In July, NCT 127 celebrated their 6th anniversary, and Jaehyun’s message to his fans came from the bottom of his heart, every syllable seeped with sweet, almost painful honesty,

Thank you to Nctzens who have been with us for 6 years.

I’ve said this during the live, but as time goes by, I feel like we have gotten closer and more comfortable with each other compared to the previous year.

I always think that I am here because of you guys' presence.

Thank you for always supporting us, let's stay together for a long time.

….

In the same month, Jaehyun was on Elle Korea’s August issue.

By the end of August, Jaehyun also released his own, original project on NCT lab.

And there was much more to come.

Everything Jaehyun had worked so hard for eventually came around. 

His efforts were starting to pay off.

____

2023

Of course you had regretted your separation from Jaehyun, from the very first moment on. 

But that love hurt. And love wasn’t supposed to hurt. It was supposed to tend and to heal. To fill the little parts in your heart that were still open and incomplete, maybe even bleeding. But it wasn’t supposed to rip it all open, deepening the wounds. 

Loving Jaehyun had been pretty and ugly just like the idol world was equally pretty and ugly. 

As a girlfriend, you were tough and steady. As Jaehyun’s girlfriend, even you had eventually succumbed to this world he used to love so much. You didn’t want it to swallow every good part of you like it had done with Jaehyun, so you had let him get eaten by the sharks.

You had so many regrets. 

If you had been there, would it all still have turned out the way it had? You didn’t know despite Taeyong always trying to convince you of the opposite. What had happened to Jaehyun had no relation to you, and if you hadn't left, he would have dragged you down with him. He just hadn’t been ready yet, and to fully become the person he wanted to be, he had needed to let go of you, too.

So you had worn a fake engagement ring on the day you had gone to the dorm to get him dressed. 

The tears shed in the bathroom had not only been tears of sadness upon seeing him so broken in front of you, but also because you needed to walk all over his feelings, and over yours too, suppressing every lingering love you still held for him. And only on that day you had realized that it still was so much, you cried yourself to sleep. 

But watching Jaehyun become the person he had always wanted to be made up for all the pain you carried in your heart until now.

In the videos online, you didn’t see the Jaehyun from back then anymore, the mean one and the broken one, that was clear. Jaehyun and Yuno, they had both merged into a person who knew themselves really well, what they wanted, what they needed and what they could give to others. That person radiated confidence and was full of light.

You could also see that clearly when you got out of the car, scanning the venue and looking for him until you saw him walking in your direction from across the street, raising his arm to give you a sign to wait, he would come to you.

Today, Jaehyun had finished filming for another project, and despite the coldness that lingered out in the open, you had decided to wait outside, because you were so impatient to finally see him again.

You just didn’t know how he would react after Taeyong had confessed your little stunt to him. Taeyong also wouldn’t tell you. But you were prepared for everything after Jaehyun had arranged this meetup. For him to curse you out, to say how disappointed he was, to tell you to never meddle with his life again - you were prepared for everything.

Except for what would actually come.

Outwardly, he hadn’t changed much from what you perceived except for the color and style of his hair. But you knew that his heart was entirely different from when you had last seen each other. And it made your heart thumb a bit faster, getting you all nervous.

You couldn’t quite read his expression as Jaehyun was apparently cold as well and hiding half of his face in the security of his parka’s hood as he greeted you, “Hi.”

“Hi,” you greeted back, a small cloud forming from your breath as you scanned him from head to toe.

“Let’s go.” He nodded with his chin. “I want to take you out. You’re ready?”

You stilled, your eyes widening with a little shaking of your head. You were taken by surprise. “Taking me out? Right now?”

He nodded again, and gradually, the corners of his lips tilted up to a warm smile that melted your heart as he showed more of his face. His eyes were genuinely smiling with him. “Right now. We’ve lost so much time, I don’t want to wait a day longer.”

You were too stunned to reply. Him standing in front of you after such a long time and asking you out seemed so surreal to you. It made you nervous and excited, a touch of falling in love all over again like in the beginning. “I thought you hated me,” you eventually blurted.

“Why would I feel so?” He cocked a brow.

“Because I lied to you.”

“Nobody lied to me,” Jaehyun concluded calmly. “I talked myself into believing what I saw without asking. Nobody told me you were engaged, none of us mentioned it. I’ve decided on my own will to move on from you upon seeing the ring. By all means, it could have been a normal one.”

“And..?” You gulped. “Have you? Moved on, I mean.”

“I did.” 

Admittedly, this answer hurt like hell. You should have expected that after almost two years. You only brought out a nearly silent, “Oh.” Then it wouldn’t be a date like you had hoped for, but only a catch up between two acquaintances.

But Jaehyun also added, “That doesn’t mean we can’t get to know each other again. Learn about us again. About our lives, habits, aims, dreams… And see if they align.”

“Align…?” You blinked. “For…?”

“I’m dating to settle, to marry.” Again, he was hiding half of his face in the collar of his parka, so you couldn’t interpret his expression.

You still smiled though. So he did want to take you out on a date. You really wanted to get to know him again as well, the person he had become as his career was rising, the person who truly wanted you to be in his life again, who had whole-heartedly decided on you. 

This person was more mature, having determination and sternness in their soft, brown eyes. They wanted career, the spotlight, the fame, because that was where their passion stemmed from. 

You opened your mouth, but Jaehyun stepped forward, grabbed you and pulled you hard against his chest. You instantly closed your eyes when he wrapped his arms around you and shivered, warmly, when he pressed a kiss into your hair. “Before you answer, you should know that I missed you. So much.”

“I missed you too.” And then, you finally said, still in an embrace. “Okay. Let’s try again.”

Jaehyun was holding you close in position, and from his tone alone, as you were quietly resting against his chest, you swore the tips of his ears turned pink and he scrunched up his nose cutely as he said, “If you’ll find yourself in a position to love this Jaehyun in the future, I promise to you that I won’t ever disappoint you again.”

You already did. You had never stopped. But you kept it to yourself for now.

Amidst the cold, you were feeling warm in his arms. And amidst the clouds, you felt the sunshine on the tip of your nose. Today was, despite the cloudy weather, a sunny day.

You weren’t scared of loving this Jaehyun. 

____

NOW

Hey y/n.

I never wanted to be an idol.

Back then, if I had to choose between becoming famous and starting a family of my own, I would have decided on getting married and having children. I would have wanted to be like my dad. A good dad, always there for my children whenever they need me, passing on advice and insights like I have experienced with my own parents.

That would have been my answer if I were still a teenager.

But dreams change. Just like people.

I cannot start a family at the peak of my career anytime soon. And that’s the problem. I love my life, my job. It’s just this world that I hate. This world that forbids me to have both, you and everything I’ve worked so hard for these past years.

But I want this all, I want this so bad, even more than pursuing the dream of children of my own at this moment.

I want to stand on the stage, sing, make music, and be an ambassador, a model, an actor, all of that. I want to have an impact on people, I want them to see me, acknowledge me and everything I succeed in doing. It’s what’s giving me life, the motivation to continue. This is what I’m currently thriving for. 

I want this so bad. 

But I want this all with you.

Life is a process of changing and growing, you don’t follow one path from birth until the end. There are detours, forks and hindrances. But as long as you have determination in your heart and confidence in your eyes, everything is possible.

I want to start over again with you. I have the energy, I have the passion, I have the drive to do it. And I believe in it. I believe in us.

It’s not only the bad times where I should feel like needing you. It’s when I feel like that I’m at my happiest, when I actually don’t need someone by my side, I wish that you were here to share my feelings, too.

I want to laugh with you, celebrate with you, cry tears of joy with you. And if you could even be there when times get bad, when I hit rock bottom again, I promise I won’t pull you down with me. I will let you hold me, hold me tight and make it better. And I will rise from the ashes again just like the sun rises every day.

I can’t do this with anyone else. It has to be someone in particular. 

It has to be you.

I don’t know where I will be in five or ten years as the future is never set in stone. I might still be an idol, an actor, an ambassador, a model, all at once, or none of them, perhaps a father already. And if I’m neither, I’m still a son, a grandson, a boyfriend or a husband.

But above all and always, I will be Yuno, and I will be Jaehyun.

And I want to be yours. 

Always.

[morsesnotes]

I found this interview from when Shaun Evans was promoting S3 of Endeavour in 2016 and thought it was one of the more interesting ones as he gets asked some different questions. I particularly liked seeing him talk a bit about his peers and how he views his career.

Shaun Evans talks Endeavour series three, Hollywood and whether he'd star in Doctor Who

As Morse returns, the star of the hit ITV drama reveals what's next for his career By David Brown - Radio Times

Falsely accused Endeavour Morse was last seen languishing in a prison cell after being framed for murder. But fans of the hit ITV drama needn't despair - Shaun Evans is back on the case for a third series beginning this evening. Here, the actor talks about life as the Oxford detective, why Morse has endured for four decades and what the future holds...

So what has brought you back to Endeavour for a third series? I didn't feel like we should have left it where we did last time. It would have been odd. As a viewer, I would have been dissatisfied to have left it there because you'd have only been telling half the story. Luckily enough, we had the opportunity to come back to do some more and I think the stories are really good - particularly the final one. It goes along at a lick. It's a bank heist but it's also a love story. And it's heartbreaking. I think it's great and it ends in a really satisfying way.

The character of Morse has now been around for 40 years - why has he endured? A good story well told will stand the test of time. And if you throw in an unusual character - someone who is in a world but not of that world - then that's intriguing.

The original series of Inspector Morse did episodes in Australia and Italy - would you like to do an overseas Endeavour? Well, they keep telling me that the character is going to Spain. But I can take myself to Malaga. I'm joking, but I'm being honest too. There is a Spanish idea, but I'd want it to be right. I don't want this job to be a jolly or something that we take for granted and phone in. There are so many variables to that kind of thing: would the locations be as good? Or the actors? Granted, it would be a laugh to go away with Roger Allam, but would it serve the show?

Does Endeavour Morse become more like you as the series goes on? I think that’s a danger, definitely. The more comfortable and confident you get with something, the easier it could be to be less diligent about creating a character. But then you’d be taking shortcuts that you might not have done three years ago. So I try not to be complacent about it. I want to be even more diligent than I was when I started. But I admit that it's a tricky one.

Having a two-hour slot for a drama seems like a privilege these days - do you worry that viewers' attention spans could be too short to cope? I don’t worry about it at all. I feel like the work we’ve done so far has been very good. Some have been better than others - as would be the case. But I feel pleased with it. Now if audiences change and they feel that the episodes are too long, boring or complicated, then we’ll just stop. That’s OK. But I've seen some crime dramas that try to tell the story in an hour and, for me, it just doesn't work.You’re tyring to set up a killer, set up a world, solve it in an interesting or dynamic way and put in some character stuff as well. It’s nigh on impossible to do in an hour. I don’t think you can do it in a satisfying way. That’s my impression as an audience member.

Fans would be up in arms if you decided to stop Endeavour! No. I don't think that'd happen. It's just work. And they'd just fill it with something else. There'll be another brilliant show.

I think you'd make an ideal Doctor Who - would you like to play that role one day? I’ve never seen it! I think Matt Smith is a brilliant actor. And David Tennant also. But it just wasn’t my thing growing up and I feel like I’ve missed it now. I was in Moscow a few months ago and someone asked me about Doctor Who. And she thought I'd make a good Master. So if you’re offering me a part, then I’ll play the Master.

What about playing James Bond? Well, everyone wants to play James Bond, right? He always gets the girl at the end. And in the middle. And at the beginning, come to think of it. But I think that Daniel Craig would be a tough act to follow. He brings something really interesting to it.

Do you ever look at contemporaries like Benedict Cumberbatch and Eddie Redmayne and think, 'I'd like top billing in a Hollywood movie'? I know both those lads and I like them. But I never really think of my career like that. Of course, you want people to see your work, but I'm not interested in being the next so-and-so. It doesn't attract me. Mainly because it's short lived. It's better to keep working and do interesting stuff.

So being a big Hollywood star isn't all it's cracked up to be? I don't know. I suppose if you had enough clout to guarantee finance for a story you wanted to tell, then that would be a good thing. From a business point of view. But I don't spend my time being envious. There are so many variables in all that bollocks! When you desire fame or fortune - which are ephemeral things - you're building your house on sand, aren't you?

Do you have a dream project that you'd like to do? I'd love to do something about poets or photographers who have done interesting things and left an impression on their portion of the world. Someone like the American photographer Walker Evans. Or the French poet Arthur Rimbaud. 

So what's next for you? I'm purposefully having some time off. I've been busy and I'd like a bit of time to read some books and just study. I want to educate myself on writers, photography, filmmaking and poetry. I'm very lucky that I've now got enough money to have a bit of time to myself and study. I'm very lucky to be in that position.

[demonslayedher]

Things that went through my head while watching this episode:

--The episode in which Kamado Tanjiro tries and fails to be a supporting character

--And he tried really, really hard too! After all, Genya is his friend (according to one of the two parties involved), and now he understands his dream. I do kind of wish they had a moment when Genya could explain, "I want to be a Pillar because only Pillars can meet Pillars" so that Tanjiro can reply, "No you don't, you just have to be in trouble! Here, Nezuko and I will help you stage doing something bad!"

--Genya makes the best confused noises--as well as the best desperation noises. But the way his confusion is so abject that it slows down the whole pace of a tense episode so we can truly feel the way the gears in his brain (which pounds super fast with how powered he is by adrenaline) is great, and it's even better how many times that happens in the span of a few minutes.

--Still, the difference between Tanjiro and Genya, when it comes to capability in battle, is palpable. Genya is not incapable--not by a long shot!!--and has earned this rank in the Corp by doing a whole lot more than eating demons. He isn't afraid of hard work, and his isn't willing to give up, but he is not as adept at analyzing a fight and fight and adapting on the fly. He is a throw-everything-got-and-then-keep-throwing-anyway kind of fighter who wins based on his own gumption, but being so driven by that heightened emotion has its limits.

--And what's key to Genya's character is that he knows it. While Himejima has surely had a good influence on his temper, but Genya accomplished character growth in a matter of minutes which Inosuke took more time to begrudgingly sort of figure out. In this episode we see Genya go from "I'm going to be a Pillar (and I hate you)" to "I can't do it. I'm leaving it to you." Way to be a bigger person, Genya!

--I wish we knew how old Genya and Sanemi were in that flashback. In order for Sanemi to have had enough time to go through Wind Breath training, climb the ranks, and becoming a Pillar colleague to Kanae, this was at the very least six years ago. What was Genya doing all that time before he entered the Final Selection?

--Also, I love Genya's maturity so much in recognizing that if Sekido kills him there, he'll leave Sanemi with those hurtful last words exchanged between them, whereas Genya's gets to comfort himself by seeing Sanemi's kindness and smile as the last thing in his life flashing before his eyes. Only a kind person would find that unfair.

--Remember how this episode aired, like, on Mother's Day? Yeah. Yeah.

--This....... flashback, man. It was done good but that's why I'm sad.

--One some other notes: Tanjiro's swords still glows hot red, he pulls the mark back on with ease and the effect is noticeable, and in that chase scene with Hantengu, I love how we see his expression change and adapt as the situation changes. I also love how among all his ongoing analysis of Hantengu and his weak points and how to avoid being overtaken by the Ki-Do-Ai-Raku attacks and how to locate the true body and catch up to him, he has not bothered to analyze what's going on with Genya whatsoever. It's a non-issue.

--Little Nezuko wave after "don't kill my sister, btw," ily.

--Skimper-skampering little Hantengu is still something I find very, very funny.

[yumeka-sxf]

A chronological analysis on Twilight and Yor - Part 25

*This is part of an ongoing post series. If you missed the Introduction/Part 1, click here*

----------

In Part 19, I discussed how Twilight treats Bond as more than a dog when they went on the mission together at Born Laboratories. But the fire rescue episode is where his feelings really seep through. He gets rightfully upset when Bond seemingly attacks people for no reason. But rather than become angry, he not only remains logical – he tries to comprehend why a dog who's been properly trained would act this way, and even entertains the idea that Bond might be sick – but, like with the many times Anya's antics confused him, he puts the responsibility upon himself to understand Bond better.

Even after two of Bond's well-intentioned attempts to help people only caused Twilight to get frustrated, Twilight still decides to trust Bond when he gets agitated about the fire. And even after Bond runs into the burning building when supposedly no one was inside, Twilight still trusts him and thinks that perhaps his nose is sensing someone inside. It's clear that Twilight himself doesn't realize how much trust he has in this dog that he supposedly only keeps around "for the mission." Twilight even risks his own life by going after Bond.

When he realizes that the reason Bond went inside was to rescue another dog, his frustration immediately dissipates. He then smiles at Bond the same way he smiled at Yor on the island when he understood the sacrifice she made for Anya…it's a rare smile reserved only for when one of his family members does something that truly touches him.

And it touches him because making these kinds of sacrifices is what he does all the time. It's an unwavering sense of duty that he feels like he's alone in doing, so he can't help but feel gratified when he sees the same sentiment in others.

It's ironic that Twilight's first encounter with wet Bond is what almost makes him break his facade. Even though "Loid Forger" is supposed to be a normal guy who wouldn't have to hide emotions, and Twilight has inadvertently let some emotions such as fear, frustration, and compassion break through, the act of laughing must be too far removed from his spy persona that he simply can't bring himself to accept it, even when acting as Loid Forger. So all he can do is try to suppress the smirk creeping along his face and tell himself that a spy must always remain composed.

Considering how embarrassed he was when he thought Yor may have seen him skipping at the resort island, he's lucky she wasn't here to see him almost laugh at wet Bond…the embarrassment may have killed him.

This episode continues to show how Twilight is willing to stick his neck out to do what's right even at the risk of revealing himself. He did it not that long ago on a larger scale when he decided to help the SSS diffuse the bomb on the ship, and now he's doing it on a smaller scale with a dramatic fire rescue and apprehending an arsonist.

And once this self-made mission of his is complete, we get the pinnacle of how much Twilight cares for Bond when he tells him that he should think of himself as a family member first and guard dog second, plus how heartbroken "someone" would be if anything happened to him. While he has said compassionate things like this to Yor and Anya before, he seems to have an easier time expressing these feelings to Bond, since Bond is, again, someone with whom he doesn't have to put on acts.

@agentpenguinmann does an excellent job describing in this post how Twilight's compassionate side shines when he's interacting with Bond, or even dogs in general. To quote:

"Speaking of empathy, I think that among many others, one of the best pieces of evidence for it is how [Twilight] treats dogs - creatures over which he has the upper hand. He apologized to one dog three times in the span of a couple of minutes. A dog that was hostile towards him [referring to the German shepherd from the doggy crisis arc].

…in the "saving doggy from the fire" chapter, when the crisis was averted, Twilight got on Bond's eye level to tell him that he's gotta be careful because Anya would be heartbroken if something happened to him. This is something parents do to their kids to help children feel safer, to show them they're giving the kid their full attention. And then he goes right into the 'for the mission' mode at the slightest sign of affection from a dog.

…[Twilight is not] used to receiving any kind of gratitude for his actions. He just kinda doesn't know what to do with it, because literally moments later he gives Bond the Proud Dad look that speaks for itself."

The fact that he took time to say such thoughtful things to a dog, a creature who he probably assumes doesn't understand the meaning of his words, proves how deep his feelings run when someone he cares about puts the well being of others before their own. Even after he says such heartfelt things to Bond, and had patted him on the head several times throughout the day, he gets flustered when Bond affectionately rubs against his leg. He even reverts back to total "for the mission" mode by saying he's only doing this so as not to disrupt the Forger family, which would be bad for his mission. Since he had spent all day alone with Bond, and thus didn't have to put on any acts, he must have finally realized how liberating that felt so he had to correct himself regardless…he really is a work in progress.

But still, the soft smile he gives immediately after, followed by a promise to take Bond to the dog park the next day since he was left out of the vacation…are they the words of a still yet unbroken spy, or a growing dog dad?

When Becky has her play date at the Forger house, Twilight is still unable to fully detach himself from spy mode when forced to interact with a new person, even a child. In his smooth, subtle way, he tries to pry any potential information about the Blackbells from Becky. Interestingly, one of the questions he asks is whether her father plays with her. Compared to the questions he had asked prior about her father's business or whether they go out often, I can't see any benefit, from a spy perspective at least, about asking whether her father plays with her or not. Maybe he absentmindedly asked this because, deep down, he wants to know how other fathers are with their daughters (since he cares about his own aptitude as a father).

When Becky starts "putting the moves" on Twilight, both Twilight and Yor react as one would expect: Twilight is confused, as he typically is when he tries to find logic in the actions of children, while Yor and all her sweet naivety, finds Becky's seemingly innocent affection for Loid endearing. Since she spent a good portion of her life raising Yuri, she doesn't find anything wrong with silly child antics like that, especially since Yuri has always been overwhelmingly affectionate with her, but never in a "wrong" way (at least not from her perspective).

However, when Becky ramps things up, even Twilight begins to feel a bit uncomfortable. He starts thinking that Yor might get the "wrong" idea…perhaps something as dark as manipulating children's hearts for some sinister desire. But, while Yor trusts him more than he knows, she doesn't have nearly as much trust in her own abilities, so her first assumption when Becky mentions being drunk is that she may have done something wrong…like accidentally give a child alcohol!

When Becky finally admits that she was trying to go on a date with Loid, she's shocked that Yor's response is that she's glad so many people love Loid, since he's such a wonderful person. Again, since she's used to Yuri's outpouring admiration for her (with nothing malicious behind it), she doesn't think it's a bad thing for Becky to have similar feelings for Loid. And unlike Fiona, she knows that Loid wouldn't take the silly infatuation of a child seriously, so there's nothing to be jealous about. When Becky asks why Loid chose her, she brings up the time he complimented her on her strength after their date at the bar (since she can't tell Becky the real reason behind their marriage).

This scene implies that even though Loid may not have mentioned this particular part when "they had to have the same conversation again" the next morning, Yor still hadn't completely forgotten about it – his words must have really touched her, since she was not only able to remember them, but it's the first thing that comes to her mind when asked why Loid may have chose her to be his wife (as opposed to something simple, like being good at cleaning, which is what he had said during the Eden interview).

To be continued in Part 26 (whenever season 3 is released!)

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