#Also I'm gonna be going to Round 1 in the next week so I GOTTA PREPARE...

[pretending-ican-write]

Cowboy Up - Pt.1 - Ryan x Dutton!reader

Um so I watched all of Yellowstone last week and as a result, my multi-year writer's block was broken by a need to see more of Ryan because I am obsessed with Ian Bohen. Idk how many parts this will have or how often it will get updated as I'm in the last few months of uni but I hope y'all enjoy!

Pairing: Ryan (Yellowstone) x Dutton!Reader (Kayce's twin sister)

WC: 1053

Next part

Disclaimer: Beyond watching Yellowstone I have zero/little knowledge of Western riding and the ranching lifestyle but I do know horses so that has certainly influenced this! I'm also English so writing dialogue correctly for them is not my strong point! If you find any issues please let me know!

---

The sun was just beginning to dip below the mountains and the cold was starting to set in when she joined him on the fence.  Neither of them spoke for a while, just looking out at the vastness in front of them, all that was theirs but came with so many conditions.  

Eventually she broke the silence, “so you told him?  How’d he take that one?”

Wordlessly he opened his shirt where the ‘Y’ was just starting to scab over, still red and angry.

“Motherfucker,” she swore, “this ain’t fair Kayce.  He doesn’t just get to do this.”

He shook his head, “dad does whatever he wants and there ain’t no consequences for him.  That’s why I gotta do this.”

“Shit man.  What’s Monica gonna do?  Besides worrying about you getting your ass shot in the desert miles from civilisation?”

Kayce chuckled, “beats getting my ass shot in the middle of Montana miles from civilisation.  She’ll be okay, her family will help and she’ll be a teacher.  Just like she planned.  It’s you I’m worried about here with dad and no one else to speak sense to.  ‘Cept Lee”

“Well I’m leaving, dad be damned.  I’m not gonna be a pawn in his power trip.  Gonna go see this godforsaken country and win it all so that when I come back he can’t question whether it’s where I wanna be,” she declared.

Her brother rolled his eyes, “you ain’t talking about the same him now.”

“I don’t know what your talking about,” she denied, staring out at the darkened mountains.

Kayce shoved her shoulder, “you can’t bullshit to me y/n.  That’s the one problem with being twins, ain’t no way to lie to me.”

“I’m just a kid to him, he ain’t ever gonna see me any other way if I stay here,” she admitted, “hell if I stay here no one will ever see me as anything more than his kid.  ‘S why we both gotta do this Kayce.”

He nodded, “no way to stand in the sun in this state, always gonna be a shadow.”

“When I come back I’ll be able to stand in sunlight so bright I’ll have a fucking halo.”

-/-/-

2 years later…

 Montana has its charms all year round, but fall has a particular appeal.  The leaves had started to turn, there was a chill in the air that only seemed to get  stronger and there was still a frost on the grass that the sun hadn’t hit.  

With the sun keeping the cold from their bones, the Yellowstone ranch hands were occupying themselves keeping their roping skills fresh.  Rip observed from the sidelines as the new hand struggled to keep up with Ryan who turned to lecture the kid about keeping his eye on the steer.  

Lloyd rolled his eyes when he missed the horns again, “you gotta try harder than that if you wanna be a wrangler!”

“He keeps pulling the damn steer too early,” the hand argued back.

Ryan glared at him, “don’t fuckin’ blame me for your bad skills.”

Before they could descend into an all out brawl, the group were distracted by the sound and sight of truck coming down the road.  They watched it pull up in front of the barn, trailer in tow.  A rare silence occupied them as they watched a young woman step out, adjust her hat then stare out across the ranch in front of her.

“Well I’ll be damned,” Lloyd muttered, “she’s back.  You fuckin’ know about this?”

Rip said nothing, but his face gave the answer.  The other hands who recognised her muttered between themselves about what she was doing back after so long.

The new hand leaned over towards Ryan, “who the fuck is that and why does everybody care?”

“That is y/n Dutton,” he answered without taking his eyes off of her.

“I didn’t know John had another daughter,” he responded.

Ryan shook his head, “hell kid you gotta lot to learn about this place.”

“She’s fuckin’ hot mind,” the hand murmered.

The older hand spat out his words, “you keep words like that off your tongue if you want to keep it.”

Lee stepped out of the barn and stepped around the truck to greet her, “the prodigal daughter returns.”

“I don’t see Beth anywhere,” she laughed bitterly, “but it’s good to see you Lee.”

He hugged her, “I’m glad you’re back.  Been a long time coming.”

“I came back for me, not for him remember that,” she turned towards the corral, “think I’ve given them enough of a show to explain it so they can pick their jaws up off the floor?”

He gestured for her to follow him towards where the ranch hands were all still quietly watching.  She strode over to the group, smiling at Rip who nodded back at her.

“Where’s that mare of yours?” He asked.

Y/n shrugged, “a champion barrel horse would be wasted on this ranch.  Sold her for more money than I’m ever gonna earn in the rest of my lifetime.”

“You ain’t rodeoing anymore?” Lloyd questioned.

“I did what I set out to do when I went on the circuit.  Saw this godforsaken country and won it all.  It’d get boring to win it over again,” she moved her gaze towards where Ryan was watching her, “ain’t no one gonna question where I wanna be now.”

Rip nodded, “afraid we ain’t got a horse to spare for you y/n.”

“I got that covered Rip.  Got one coming up tomorrow from a ranch in Wyoming.  Some fuckin’ old school boys who don’t know how to be nice to a horse they didn’t ruin,” she explained, “man’s wife broke it and now she’s dead ain’t no one gonna ride him gentle.  Figured he might stand a chance with me.”

Lloyd chuckled, “always were a soft hand.  Figured that’s how you won it all.”

“Guess that question that remains is, do you have a place for me?  Not in the house but here,” she clarified.

Lee looked at Rip then back at his sister, “I reckon so.  You gonna stay in the bunkhouse?”

“Oh fuck no,” y/n laughed, “I didn’t drag that thing all the way from Texas to sleep with these fuckheads.  It’s looked after me in worse places.  Think it’ll do just fine here.”

[amazinglyegg]

What the companions would make you if they had access to a kitchen:

Cait

I'm thinking a nice stir-fry or rice with a shit ton of vegetables and PROTEIN

Of course she loves her protein

Hmm or maybe a lasagna. Nice and dense.

Whatever she makes, there'll be enough of it to go around

She gives off food insecurity to me so I feel like she prefers to take her food and eat alone most days

But you WILL have a shitton of leftovers!

Codsworth

A nice breakfast spread like what you'd see in movies.

French toast, eggs (sunny side up or your preference if he knows it), bacon, several options of cereal in those little fancy cereal dispensers, pancakes or waffles depending on your preference, fresh fruit laid out...

And of course a glass of orange juice

He wants nothing more than for you (and anyone else you're sharing the meal with) to sit down and enjoy while he cleans the dishes and helps out

Just like old times <3

Curie

Baking time!!!!

Cookies are her go-to

Does that thing where you use your thumbprint to make a heart shape and fills it with jam

They come out perfect every time. She leaves them out on a plate and they're gone within a minute

Just be warned she might eat the cookie dough. Would definitely make edible cookie dough just to eat it raw at like 1am

Danse

He's a protein shake and plain hard boiled eggs type of guy

He wouldn't make you a meal, but would mealprep your entire week for you

(It's just plastic tupperware of boiled eggs and like, one whole carrot)

If he HAD to make an actual warm meal it'd probably look exactly like Brotherhood rations

Mashed potatos, plain crackers, and some vague meat in sauce

Deacon

This man lives like he will be killed via sniper if he ever expresses a genuine feeling

So as much as I'd like to say he'd make a meal that's really important to him, he'd probably just grab the nearest cookbook and pick a random recipe

Not even he knows what it's gonna be like until it's made

He also doesn't want to be associated with a certain meal so he'll only make it once or twice. If you want it again then YOU have to cook it!

If he's completely alone and just making something for himself, then maybe a nice sandwich or sub

I don't know why but he just gives off sandwich vibes

Dogmeat

Can't cook

He would, however, oversee the situation and taste test when needed

Gage

Grill dad

He'd make like, ribs and baked potatoes. Nice and filling and also pretty damn messy

Not too big on vegetable but he'd also grill like, corn on the cob or maybe some skewers

Chicken wings perhaps???

Maccready

Weird food combinations is this man's bread and butter (or bread and ketchup)

He WILL hand you a turkey sandwich with ketchup and potato chips in it. And it will taste good.

Or like, steak sushi. Spaghetti on pizza. Mayo dumplings?

He can make basically anything, but he just has some really weird preferences

If you can get over the strangeness it's actually pretty decent

Nick

Toast and black coffee <3

That's it

I mean like he'll make you tea or something if you don't like coffee

Pre-war Nick always had toast and coffee for breakfast in the morning so it's nostalgic to him

Old Longfellow

"Oh he'd make a fish based meal" NO. He lives next to the water he's probably SO DAMN TIRED OF FISH

Chicken noodle soup maybe, but like high quality chicken noodle soup with some nice spices

Or maybe a pot roast??

Piper

Weirdly enough, as much as she loves sweets I feel like she'd be a much better cook than a baker

She'd make a nice well rounded meal with protein, carbs, 1-2 vegetables. Gotta make sure Nat's eating well

Not huge on spices though. Like your mashed potatoes will be buttery and smooth as fuck but you're limited to like basic box gravy and maybe salt and pepper.

I feel like she can and will make an entire turky dinner. Just out of nowhere. There's like 7 different sides and an apple pie Curie made.

Preston

Oh this man will make a MEAN stew

It's his go-to. He can share it if needed, have leftovers to feed himself for multie days, and it's versatile

I'm thinking either radstag or brahmin meat, or maybe a bone stock, but in the past he's made stews out of basically anything, from bugs to deathclaw meat

He also has a soft spot for campfires and would love to roast marshmallows or cook hotdogs or something around a fire

X6-88

Grabs an apple for himself and leaves.

The Institute eats SUPPLEMENT PACKETS there is NO WAY this man knows how to cook

He's probably a picky eater too, and he only likes those packets

He's gonna be living off a diet of applesauce and ensure for a long while

Honestly he might enjoy taking his food (any food) and putting it in a blender. It fixes the sensory aspect of it.

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Thailand is back in charge

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

June 2024 Week 2

Ongoing Series - Thai

Wandee Goodday (Sat YT) ep 7 of 12 - There is so much to love about this pair. But one of the things I truly adore is what great communicators they are about what they want & need as friends & as lovers. As boyfriends? Not so much. But the way they can (and do and did) communicate speaks well to their ability to communicate in the future, once they have resolved the inevitable doom the BL gods will reign down upon us over the next 3-4 eps. I guess what I am say is... these two are gonna be awesome husbands.

The break up was sad but inevitable.

Yay for a crying kiss. I do so love a crying kiss! 

Can we talk about the fact that all that tension was worth it?

Excellent kiss all round from GreatInn. Possibly one of the best of the year. Their only issue in winning this category in 2024 is that they're up against OffGun, TayNew, and JimmySea, not to mention BillyBabe... and MosBank coming soon. But I gotta say, for a new pair? Fantastic work boys.

My Stand-In (Fri iQIYI) ep 8 of 12 - I literally spent this whole show saying “Oh, Poor Joe!” Which is now the actual name of his character: Poor Joe. He's like the country music sad sack. How much is this narrative gonna keep kicking him while he's down?  

Sunset X Vibes (Sat iQIYI) ep 1 of 12 - Star Hunter + MosBank + a beloved familiar face? You ready? Let's go. I got a lot to say.

Unexpected supernatural historical paranormal mythological Sign-esk elements happening in our dream sequence opening. I’m not mad about it. But I do think it’s going to be mishandled in the dubious hands of Star Hunter. My BLabies, no matter what else, with Star Hunter we can rest assured there will be chaos and narrative mess. And now, lucky us, there will be a supernatural mess. But at least it will be sexy and high heat.

Honestly, I'm not worried about MosBank and I know what to expect from Star Hunter,. So we're all on the same page.

Meanwhile, enter a cute side couple (normal for this studio). WAIT a second I know that face! That's Tenon of PitchBank fame (side couple, and only good thing about, Golden Blood). I’m sad to see his pair busted, but delighted to see him pop up again in a BL.

Tenon appreciation time: He kisses beautifully everyone, and he is a killer eye-emoter. We are in for a real treat with this actor. (Especially if we get to a place in the narrative where he pines. OH PLEASE MAKE HIM PINE.)

Okay back to the show. I love Tenon but I also LOVE his infiltrating, wicked smart, younger brother character. This role is great for him. I adore an industrial spy. I enjoy a rich boy pretending to be an intern in his family's company (yes it's a trope, just not common in BL). Excellent work Thailand. No notes.

In conclusion?

It’s a cheesy silly office BL and I am enjoying it immensely because I have no expectations. So don't burst my bubble. Star Hunter is bound to do that on its own without tumblr's help.

We Are Cute (Weds iQIYI) ep 11 of 16 - Oh my God they are all so cute! I love the beginning bit when Peem was feeling down and Phum tried to cheer him up. Ridiculously charming. All the sides were super adorbs too. The actual name of this show is "We Are Cute". Meanwhile, Kluen = the only boy in a BL ever to take his unfinished drink with him? I like him even more now. 

My Love Mix-Up Th (Fri YT) ep 2 of 12 - New take on the umbrella trope to be trapped under a parasol together. NO SINGING. Honestly? I am not loving this as much as I really wanted to love it. It's the middle of the rankings for good reason. I do like the idea of historical Cinderfella BL though. Why isn't that what I'm watching? The play with in a play is a dangerous trope to deploy, it only distracts my with attractive possibilities. 

Love Sea (Sun iQIYI) ep 2 of 10 - I'm gonna try to cycle back to ending this rap-up week on Saturdays, which means the recap for this episode will be in next week's weekly (so to speak). Meanwhile, I am doing a Trash watch on this show. Hopefully that will get updated tomorrow.

Knock Knock Boys (Thurs Gaga) ep 4 of 12 - It’s fun enough. Kind of a pulpy lark. Best + Seng = a surprisingly good match.

Only Boo! (Sun YT) ep 10 of 12 - Good kiss from the sides. No surprises there. The main’s kissing was fine too, I guess. I like that they had a genuine struggle with being an idol and not being able to date. It’s nice to see that depicted on screen in a BL. I wish we had a bit more of a montage around the rise & success of Moo's boy group. But I understand the money in play for this kind of show prohibits that. All in all? It’s fine. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

At 25:00 in Akasaka AKA 25 Ji Akasaka de (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 9 of 10 - Oof. This ep was painful. So much awkward desperation and confusion. Oh Japan, must you?

Crazy to be in a place and time where there is no other noted non-Thai BLs airing. Not even from Korea. What is going on? Are we in 2020 all over again? Please no.

It's airing but...

The Last Time (Thai Fri YT?) - Convoluted story of loss and possible reincarnation or something. Can't find it.

OMG Vampire (Thai Sun ???) 10 eps - I can't find it. Comments from last week suggest this is not my thing anyway, but Lee Long Shi very much IS my thing. I've put the search on hold for a bit and y'all can let me know if it's worth tracking down. Also, who knew Frank & Big could kiss like that? Not me.

ARGH could Monster Next Door please just start airing. I am SO tired of waiting for Big to lead out a BL. It should have happened years ago. *grumbles in chronic second lead syndrome*

In case you missed it

Let's Eat Together Aki and Haru 2 AKA Aki wa Haru to Gohan wo Tabetai 2 Haime! (Japan movie) - Continues the (frankly) lackadaisical story from part 1 ans was meant to drop yesterday. We thought maybe Gaga, but nothing so far.

The Time of Fever AKA Unintentional Love Story 2 (Korea movie) trailer released to Korean theaters 5/25. HoTae & DongHee, side couple from Unintentional Love Story are back! Same actors, same character names. I love them. Devastated this hasn't had international distribution.

As others see us: NuNew's 'Awful' Performance in BABYMONSTER's 'SHEESH' Goes Viral - I don't like BL being noticed by Kpop stans. I flipping LOATHE this song and I'm not wild about Babym. This is all 'round uncomfortable making and I want it to stop.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

June Releases Still Coming

6/26 The Rebound (Thai Weds Gaga) - MeenPing are back in their 3rd BL together, a basketball based romance (Meen was a national basketball player, so yay for that). I like this pair better than most (I still do miss Meen with Est but Est has a fantastic looking new BL coming from GMMTV so yeah...) Anyway I'm up for a sports romance starring a man who, yah know, actually played that sport so... I'm game (pun intended).

6/26 I Hear the Sunspot AKA Hidamari ga Kikoeru (Japan Weds Gaga) 10 eps - A new series adaptation of beloved yaoi I Hear the Sunspot (first adaptation was feature film Silhouette of Your Voice 2017).

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Forget "boyfriends but they don't realize it." These two are married but they don't realize it.

Praise be, he didn't leave his full drink behind. BEST BOY.

It was a great make out sesh.

THAT LIP BITE.

All round excellent ep this week, We Are Cuties.

Top tier flirting banker from the fuck buddies though. Man, their innuendo is on point. And I do mean that point. (Wandee Goodday)

(Last week)

Streaming services are listed by how I (usually) watch, which is with a USA based IP, and often offset by a day because time zones are a pain.

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity

@rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

Sigh, Tumblr in it's infinite wisdom doesn't like too many tags.

There's these tricks, remember.

[tragic-ships-tournament]

THE TRAGIC SHIPS TOURNAMENT: ....loser's round?

oh shit i completely forgot about this uhh-

Hi! It's me again! I'm so sorry that my last real update was *checks watch* 2 months ago. I guess life this summer was a lot busier than originally planned smh smh

So, where did we last leave off? Ah, that's right. Madohomu beat Orphydice in a close upset and became the first official winners of the tragic ships tournament. I also revealed my identity and also finally watched the Wicked movie and started watching BBC Ghosts but that's not relevant now. And as per company (cough cough, blog) policy, I have changed my pfp to them, a crown they will hold temporarily until the next official tragic ships tournament (hopefully) happens.

But what about the ships that were less fortunate? That didn't manage to take the throne? The ones that... got out on round 1? The losers?

That's right, we're finally doing the loser's bracket after me promising it for months! Again, I am so sorry for forgetting about it, life gets in the way sometimes.

But I promised that we were gonna do this, and besides, it's been a pretty boring few weeks anyhow.

But uhh before I show the brackets, I gotta do some ground rules.

I am going on a pretty big and important trip with some family in a couple days! As such, I'm gonna be WAYYYY less active on here then I was during the first tournament. And besides, this one is basically just a filler thing anyway. Don't take it too seriously. As such, I will not be reblogging propaganda on the polls. You're still allowed to make them, obviously, and I will be answering asks including propaganda, but I will not be reblogging them.

Wrap up posts after each round unfortunately will also be much shorter. No highlights or snarky commentary from this gal this time around, sadly. They'll just be me posting the new, updated bracket and the times the next round will be posted. Speaking of which, it might take a longer time for the rounds to be posted and I might miss the already established date and time, and for that I do apologize. But I'm taking a trip across Europe guys, this is intense stuff. How else am I supposed to try Dutch Pancakes? (note: this is a joke). Rounds also may be shorter, but that's still not a 100% guarantee.

But of course, a lot of things are gonna be staying the same. There's still 2 brackets, Bracket A and Bracket B, and the winners of which will be facing off in the finals.

And speaking of the bracket, here is the... drumroll please...

OFFICIAL BRACKET FOR THE TRAGIC SHIPS TOURNAMENT: LOSER'S EDITION!

Click for quality please!

Here is the official list of ships:

Marvin Gardens and Whizzer Brown

Ivan and Till

My Hopes and Dreams 😔

Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater

Optimus Prime and Elita-1

Charlotte Sweetly and Ted Spankoffski

Lex Foster and Ethan Green

Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan

Dewey Riley and Gale Weathers

Archibald Clare and Ludovico Valentinelli

Michaela Arklow and Clarith Netsuma

Fiddleford Mcgucket and Stanford Pines

Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet

Jayce Talis and Viktor

Farilane and Kile

Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood

Rachel and Tobias

Erwin Smith and Levi Ackerman

Cloud Strife and Aerith Gainsborough

Crick Wellsley and Temenos Mistral

Jason Dean and Veronica Sawyer

Agent Curt Mega and Owen Carvour

L Lawliet and Touta Matsuda

Thor Odinson and Jane foster

Lou Clark and Will Traynor

Phob and Phat

Anakin Skywalker and Padme Naberrie

Pearl and Rose/Pink Diamond

Normal Oak and Hermie Unworthy

Rintaro Okabe and Kurisu Makise

Rootspring and Bristlefrost

Round 1 will be coming out tomorrow, July 1st, 2pm British time! Hope to see you there!

And one final note:

Now, eagle eyed viewers (read: anyone who took one glance at Bracket A) might be wondering: Where the hell is Triden? Also known as Trump/Biden?

Well, after some deliberation, I've decided not to include them this time around. Why? Well, you see, when this tournament first took root and I decided to include them as a joke, all the way back in... what was it? December? Trump had not yet taken office. The political landscape was different. Bleak, yes, but different. But now he's been in office for 100 days, and he's causing an indisputable amount of harm to marginalized communities all across the U.S. As not just a queer person, but also a person of color, I feel like it's my responsibility not to glorify anything involving this man even more then already is.

Besides, looking back, there's some odd connotations to shipping both of these men. And no, I'm not talking about the 'no rpf' rule. But it's so childish to just... make fun of politicians by saying that they're gay and making out sloppy style. I know, I know, one of these men is incredibly homophobic (though Biden is still a jerk in his own right), but does that not make it worse? While yes, there is cases of homophobic men being secretly gay (there's even some on this very list), Trump is decidedly not one of them. And besides, more homophobic men are just that. Homophobic. By making fun of politicians for being gay, we're no different from middle school kids making fun of each other by calling kids on the playground gay.

So sorry about that tangent, but rather poetically, 'My Hopes and Dreams' is gonna be moving on to the next round automatically to face the winner of Whizzer and Marvin VS. Ivan and Till.

If you have any questions, my inbox here is always open. You can also ask me over at @nabwastaken, my main.

[silverjirachi]

How were you a cult leader for a week?

Okay so this is going to be a looooonnnggg story and I never even really sat back and thought about how batshit insane it was until I started talking about it with other people. Which is more recently than you'd expect for the fact that it took place over ten years ago. But back then I also didn't have the life experience to see how.. weird and creepy it was until well, well afterwards.

Another thing that contributed to the fact that I never really thought or spoke about it because that was actually a core tenant of the program. If you talk about it, you're ruining the "sacredness" of the experience if someone else might go through it. So you gotta keep it secret so it's not spoiled for them. Which was a way bigger deal at my school than it now is like, out in the wild. And when I said that first part out loud "So like, oh! I'm not actually supposed to talk about this, BUT" I realized this was some cult shit.

Like I said, long story so I'm gonna put it under a cut for people who wanna read.

Alright so. This story begins at my co-ed Catholic high school. Each year as part of our like, religious enrichment, we went on "retreats" or missions to different areas locally. Freshmen didn't have one, though their was like 1 day of service out in the community. (We went to a retirement home and passed out valentine's cards all day if memory serves).

Sophomores and Juniors got to participate in the more coveted, multiple-day religious retreats that were school-sponsored excuses to get out of school. And they were mandatory, even if you were not Catholic.

What's important to know about these retreats is that they were FAMOUS at our school. They were surrounded with so much mystique, hype, and infamy. People spread rumors about them. People spread lies about them. People spread gossip about who did what with such and such during these retreats. One common, straight-faced lie that almost ALL seniors told about the Senior Retreat was that you all "got naked and danced around a fire" (this will be relevant later). The Naked Fire Dance was like a schoolwide JOKE about this very famous, very infamous senior retreat called Kairos.

What added to this hype, particularly around Kairos, is that once you completed it, you got this special (though rather plain-looking) cross that was given out at the end of the retreat. ALL the seniors who had been through Kairos wore them, EVERY DAY, and groups of students were taken on retreats in groups of 40-50, so not the whole class got them at once. It was like a gradual progression watching these crosses appear around peoples' necks. And like, they got to miss ALMOST A FULL WEEK OF SCHOOL. Come on now. That's amazing.

I actually broke down crying when my own Kairos cross broke during band practice and my percussion instructor fixed it for me. That's how important these things were, both as an emotional AND a status symbol. Wearing a Kairos cross was on an equal level with having a class ring - if you wore one, you had MADE IT.

So I was naturally STOKED when I discovered I was selected to take part in Kairos at the end of my JUNIOR YEAR rather than my senior year. Looking back on it, this absolutely was not random. Kairos retreats were split into different dates for a very particular purpose, and that was to make sure there was always a fresh influx of students to become the next set of "leaders" on these retreats. The first round of Kairos actually began in May or June of the respective class's JUNIOR YEAR so that there would be some classmates to lead the next Kairos that would begin in the proper senior year in the fall. I was selected for this first session because they ABSOLUTELY had already scouted me out as a potential leader and wanted to make sure I had the chance to. I had good grades in religion, participation in church, etc, and kind of had a reputation for it.

Funnily enough, these were all numbered, and I was on Kairos 68. I led Kairos 69, which they changed to Kairos 70. Do the kids these day know? Do they even know their whole numbering system is off because their school refused to allow Kairos 69 to exist?

BUT WHEN ARE WE GETTING TO THE CULT SHIT? Ok. We'll get into the cult shit now.

So the first thing to know about these retreats and therefore also Kairos is that they take place in the middle of the woods. They're at a spiritual retreat center led by some monks about 30-40 minutes away from the school. So you are ISOLATED in what is essentially a large cabin but feels more like a retirement home. Everyone gets their own tiny little room that basically only had a bed, a dresser, and your own sink in it.

They take you into this cabin in the middle of the woods and of course you have to give up all your electronics. Your phone is confiscated from you if they find you have brought it, etc. Not only this, but then you find that they have covered up all the clocks. So you start to develop this immediate sense of restlessness and time blindness because all the clocks are covered with a white sheet and a sign that says "GOD'S TIME." Your entire day structure and even sense of TIME are now at the mercy of the cult leaders, excuse me, I mean student leaders and teacher chaperones on the retreat.

There are no parents here. It's just about fifty 17 to 18 year olds and about 7 teachers. And about 6 student "group leaders" who had a very, very central and important role in the whole event.

What essentially happened was for the next 4 days, we sat in this group conference room at round tables listening to talks and having breakout discussions about Jesus all day. Church in the morning and evening. You got max like, 1, maybe 2 hours of free time after lunch. Literally just living that #monasterylife. But there was something very... particular... about these talks that are things I definitely do not think go down at a monastery.

Each day, a handful of the teachers and student group leaders gave talks surrounded a particular topic or theme of the day. I can't remember all of them, but they'd be things like Piety, and Service, and Charity, and Forgiveness, etc. Christian values. Each talk had a name centered around a particular value. Mine was Piety.

The thing about these talks though, is that they were incredibly, deeply, invasively personal.

Now, I'm going to be upfront and say no one was forced to go up there and spill the deepest darkest secrets of their life. All the student leaders had signed up for this KNOWING they'd be asked to write an incredibly personal sermon on their assigned topic. But there is something addictive about that cult mentality when everyone is getting up on that pulpit oversharing well, you wanna spill your whole life story too. (However, we'll get back to some insider secrets about this later).

TW next paragraphs off-hand but not graphically mentioning suicide, suicidal ideation, self harm and cutting, domestic abuse, etc.

Teachers went up there and talked about their marriages and divorces and how such things brought them closer to God. About how their drunken fathers beat them. Student leaders got up there and gave talks about their suicide attempts or being abused and how being saved from these things brought them closer to god. I learned the intimate ups and downs of my teachers' and fellow classmates' lives in a way I NEVER thought I would and it would all be wrapped up in a little lesson about god. They'd play a little meaningful song of the speaker's choice before and after the sermon to set the scene and help everyone reflect and pray. Mine were Uncharted by Sara Bareilles and The Unwinding Cable Car by Anberlin. Very deep and meaningful stuff to me at age 17.

As the week progresses and the students drink more of the kool-aid, the participant students are even allowed to go up and say a few words too. And I am not kidding when I say each night there would be at least 1-2 confessions of suicidal ideation or suicide attempts, a handful of mentions of cutting or self harm, and a handful of mentions of actively being abused, even in relationships with other students not on the retreat.

No trigger warnings because this was like 2012 and those were only JUST becoming a thing.

Now, looking back on it now as someone who has taught middle and high schoolers, I can only say: WHaT THE HELL? Teachers absolutely were not required to report these confessions, and I think actively were encouraged not to. I know for a fact student leaders were not supposed to report anything. Because it was supposed to be a safe space where people could say anything. To know someone might take action outside that world would violate the sacred trust we were building with one another, and the closeness we were getting to god. People could reach out to someone individually after the retreat, but unlike in a lot of other cases where it would be MANDATORY for an adult to report certain things, no such enforcement here existed. As a teen, that seemed awesome. As an adult who has taught and looked after children now, I am horrified. I know it's a complicated nuanced topic, but holy hell batman.

And as a 17-year-old retreat leader, I felt responsible for my flock. One girl confessed to me about her mom who was being actively abusive, and I, at the tender age of 17, was suddenly put in a position where I felt like I had to do something for her. I'M NOT EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH THAT!! I'M SEVENTEEN!!! But she confided in me and now I wanna support her in any way I can. I went over to her house several times after that retreat and honestly almost got myself into some horrible, dangerous situations because I felt like I was obligated to because we had shared this soul-baring bond at Kairos. I TOLD NO ONE. I GOT HELP FROM NO ADULT ON THIS.

BUT THESE TALKS WEREN'T EVEN THE ONLY WILD AND WACKY THINGS THAT HAPPENED THAT WEEK!!

One of the other biggest events at Kairos was "letters night." This happens on like the second night of the retreat when all 50 teenagers are herded into a dark room lit only by a few candles and sit in silence for a few minutes. We're all sitting there wondering what's going on. Then, all of a sudden, one of our teachers starts reading a letter addressed to someone. At the end of the letter, it's revealed its from a parent or loved one of at student in the room. They're called up to receive their letter and a hug of comfort if they want it, because of course half of us are sobbing at this point. This goes on for all fifty students in the room. Each of us gets a deeply personal letter from our parents or loved ones about our life stories read in front of forty-nine of our other peers. I can't even imagine how this must have felt for someone without loving parents, but they made it work so everyone had a meaningful letter read aloud.

After that LONG, LONG process, we do one final meditation and are led back to our rooms for sleep. It is then we discover BOATLOADS of letters from other students that have been dumped all over our rooms and our beds. Letters of love, encouragement, well-wishes. Confessions of love or admiration. Letters of apology. Truly anything your upperclassmen friends, relatives, or others might want to write about you. The letters night is kept INCREDIBLY secret and is actually one of the reasons I never talked about Kairos. Because, as personal as it is, it was also an incredibly powerful, formative moment for me. It made me feel more loved and more valued as a person who made a difference on this earth than anything else in my life at that point, and I hung on to my Kairos letters for a very long time afterwards. And the not knowing anything, the surprise of it all really contributed to that. It was like getting hit with a truck with nothing but sheer love, especially at a time in my life when I felt worthless and unwanted and was, myself, actively considering suicide. Writing letters to my group members and friends going on Kairos was my favorite part of the whole process.

And then there was. The moment you have all been waiting for. THE NAKED FIRE DANCE.

Now, thankfully, this was not an actual naked fire dance. But the joke was at last revealed. It is called the naked fire dance, because it is at this point that THE STUDENT LEADERS, and ONLY the students leaders, NO TEACHERS, take their small flock back UNSUPERVISED into these small breakout rooms and they have... the naked fire dance. All the lights are off. It's the middle of the night. The small room is lit only with one candle, and everyone sits in a circle as the teenage cult leader starts with a single prayer. Then she opens up the floor. Now all the students, heart to heart, sit around this single candle for the next hour sharing secrets about themselves. Confessing things to each other. It's called the naked fire dance because you "take off your masks" (aka "get naked) in a circle around "a fire" (candle).

Again, this was an incredibly moving and formative experience for me. I was in a group with jocks, cheerleaders, people I'd NEVER interact with normally. And I felt so loved and connected to them. But that's a big component about how cults work. They feel good!!

Then, you all go back for one final group prayer and are released to bed. The next morning is the 4th day where they do some wrapping up, and you find out the whole retreat is structured around Jesus' 3 day death or whatever. And then you, on the 4th day - rise again. You live the fourth!! And you also talk about it to no one. Ever. That is a very important component of Living the 4th: Don't you dare fucking talk about it.

You go back to the school on a bus for your parents to pick you up and you are led into the chapel for one "final prayer" it's then that you are stampeded at down the hallway by all the other students who have already been through Kairos. That was also very special, like the letters moment. Just a WALL of over a hundred other teenagers running straight for you screaming. My boyfriend was there and picked me up and spun me around it was really sweet and nice. Trainwreck of love.

AND NOW FOR SOME INSIDER KNOWLEDGE FROM SOMEONE WHO SPENT A WEEK AS A CULT LEADER STUDENT DISCUSSION LEADER:

Every night after we'd send the students to bed, all the teachers and student leaders would convene in this other, side cabin like a high council. It was there that we'd review how the day went, how our breakout and small group discussions went, things we were observing in our flock student group, things we wanted advice and guidance on, etc. They were nice meetings. We'd have snacks. It'd be fun etc.

BUT. MY FAVORITE PART OF THESE MEETINGS. WE'D TALK ABOUT OUR NEXT TARGETS. WE'D TALK ABOUT WHO IN OUR GROUPS WE THOUGHT WAS CLOSE TO "BREAKING." AKA OPENING UP TO BARE THEIR SOUL AND CONNECT TO THE OTHER STUDENTS. TO LIKE. SPILL ALL THEIR BEANS.

WE WOULD DISCUSS STRATEGIES TO HELP BREAK THEM.

"Oh yeah I think letters night tomorrow is gonna break Chris enough to open up at the naked fire dance."

"Kelsey is SO CLOSE to getting there I think she'll break through tomorrow morning."

"Yeah I think Ryan just needs his space but I can tell he'll come around so we'll not push we'll just gently continue to offer."

HELLO???

I'M SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD AND IN A ROOMFUL OF OTHER STUDENTS AND MY TEACHERS TALKING ABOUT HOW TO PSYCHOLOGICALLY MANIPULATE OTHER STUDENTS INTO SHARING SECRETS ABOUT THEMSELVES???

And again, never even thought that was weird or culty until now. Just thought I was helping my fellow students get the most out of Kairos. And you're not supposed to talk about Kairos, btw.

Anyways. TL;DR it was a really great experience for me and taught me a lot about empathy for others and self love, however there were definitely more than a few ethical violations and things that now raise a number of concerns for me as an adult that I think will never get fully addressed.

And that's how I helped to lead a cult for a week!

[nials-stuff]

pt.1

Story about a Hero getting abducted by a Villain who seemingly has no clear ulterior motive other than just having the Hero around. The predicament is so odd and mind boggling for the Hero that it leads him to become a villain himself.

Previously in pt.3: Hero arrived at Villain's manor and is looking for ways to escape while also thinking through the situation.

Trigger Warning: violence, mentionof death, whump

Pt.4

Ok so i gotta mention that while I do have a general idea of where the story goes from here, it is in fragments after this part. Also, don’t want to spend forever writing this ;-; Soooo I'm going to tell it a bit more choppily :0 as well as do some explanations and stuff.

When Villain closed the door, he didn’t lock it. Part of this is because he wanted to instill the fear that Hero couldn’t leave even if he had nothing restricting him. (kind of like that video of fleas who stay in the shape of a jar even when the jar is gone.) It worked for a bit but humans aren’t fleas. Hero does eventually decide to walk out again, who knows maybe like weeks later. When he does, he notices how strange the manor is. He sees these maid ladies who walk around but never seem to notice him. Several times and he’s gotten a bit of the layout figured out. He can’t find an exit tho. He does however find this one room. A long office with one desk at the end. 

About the manor→ Villain is wealthy rich extensively rich. So rich he’s basically made his footsteps in the villain world invisible. I find this kind of funny because when he took Hero from the government prison, it was in an old rusty, used car. Old as in it still had those cranking windows.

He investigates it and finds one of the cabinets has a bunch of files in it. He reads and is horrified to find information on every hero which was captured. He sees everything from their civilian identity, to their idk social security number?wild stuff. There were probably files on people he didn’t know, but there is one on his ex-girlfriend too. His file though… wasn’t there. It was on the cabinet above :D and there was so much more information on it that it needed its own cabinet. Understandably, Hero is spooked. He is seeing childhood photos, information on all the jobs he’s worked at, information on his late parents. Not fun to see.

He ends up leaving and a couple days later Villain shows up talking about “I got a job for you”. He takes Hero right back to that office room, ties his legs to the office chair, and gives him a pile of paperwork to “sort”. So during that time, someone set the manor on fire… And Hero almost gets burned in the office before someone enters and gets him out. So now Hero is on his way to the next place: villain base. (villains burned the manor) Which is gonna be the worst one for him because they really torture him. They try to extract his ability from him which is a really awfully painful thing to do. Villain eventually shows up again and has a meeting with that villain committee about Hero. 

This scene happens around a big round table with all these evil dudes. Hero is really broken at this point, he is slumped and bandaged (like a mummy) slouching in a chair. He looks really tiny sitting there. In this meeting he learns that Villain arranged the spy to give the heroes false info about the raid. He captured all the heroes, handed them to this villain group, and then shortly after, broke them all out again. This villain committee is furious, yes VIllain is not a part of their group, but he is causing them problems. Like what do you mean you brought us all the heroes and then just ..let them go. Basically, they are demanding he leave Hero with them (he is a technically powerful hero after all, they can get some use out of him)

Villain says no. He takes Hero and leaves. Not easily though, they put up a fight.

So basically after this, Villain notices that Hero is on the verge of death. One idea I had was that maybe he takes him to the heroes: they have a healer that could fix him. I like this because it gives the heroes a chance to see what happened to him. The other idea is that Villain nurses him back to health himself. 

So Hero is still trying to place a finger on Villain’s motives. Villain does start pushing him into some villainous acts while also messing with his mentality. He has Hero feeling like society really shoved him away. 

At some point, he couldn’t even be called a Hero anymore, even his power has never been hero-like.

RIght before the tipping point for “Hero”, Villain dies (dunno how bruh, he did leave all his riches in Hero’s name so that’s crazy). “Hero” is now just. There. “Hero” does the only thing he can think of doing. He goes to find ex-girlfriend. He just wants closure. somewhere. Anywhere.

So what was ex-girlfriend doing this whole time anyway? Believe it or not. She regretted what she did. When she really thinks about it, Hero had never been evil towards her. He had done all he could for her given his circumstances. She even became really worried after she heard that the “hero prison” was breached. The government had gone to her to ask if she had any information about where he could have gone or who freed him.

So when “Hero” shows up at her doorstep, she lets him in. The man is just a fraction of what he was. She helps him out. The thing is, when Villain handed her that phone saying “Do what you want with this”, he basically put his fate in her hands. I don’t think anybody would know that, but if Hero had had anybody to support him in that moment, Villain would have let him be. 

She helped him out, cooked for him, and gave him a warm bath. She brushed his hair and got him some comfortable clothes. She gave him tea for sleep and let him take her bed. 

But good things can’t last forever :/ . see “Hero” had committed some villainous act before Villain died. (not sure what ) it was on the news and ex-girlfriend sees it on the tv. She could barely see him, but there he was, a so-called “Hero”.

Hero doesn’t get to have a good ending… I might as well call him Villain now.

Once again she abandons him, this time he knows there is no doubt. Society hates him, that villain was right. 

I mentioned he was powerful, I mean powerful. He never got the chance to use his power to its full potential, well now he can. He can let those wings rise. 

He became a feared villain, planet wide. 

Years down the road, he walked along the side of a busy highway. It was stormy, windy, rainy, and people had been advised to stay indoors. He notices a car that had swerved on the side, hitting the railing. He approached and saw the damaged front part. The driver and passenger were lost but he saw something in the back seat. There was a little baby, screeching and crying its poor eyes out. He scraped the door off the car and gently picked up the child. Maybe he just needed someone to depend on and depend on him. He named the little girl and raised her. He wouldn’t let this child up like he did.

The last part is a little wishy washy but it’s basically just something that leads to him adopting this girl. ( (the girl’s a character of mine and I wanted to give his father a backstory so :0 ) (it’s basically that trope of an innocent little girl adopted by an evil villain) ) The Villain’s motives are kind of ..nonexistent? It could be obsession but I find the idea of never understanding why to be really horrifying. In short, every bad thing that happened to Hero? It was Villain without a doubt. Where were Hero’s parents? Villain probably did something. I will say there could have been even worse landings for him though. Ending up under the villain group's custody permanently would have led to his death for sure. The government agency wouldn’t have been terrible although they would have kept him on a leash. Best scenario would have been the girlfriend being understanding, he quit being a hero, and they start a happy family. Oh what could have been. Anyway thoughts? :D

back to pt.1?

[cruorcrave]

19 December 2024

(TL;DR at the end.)

Today was pretty alright. I mostly just finished up xmas shopping (took a while cuz my mother had a lot of places to go) but it was made more fun by the fact I finally got my sister's present. I bought her a bag of chocolates as well as a 10-pack of ciders, and I wrapped every item individually then put them back in their respective packets. Hopefully she finds it funny (me and my sisters prank each other with our presents - but we also make sure the presents are actually good and what they wanted, just in the most annoying way possible.)

Other than that, I haven't done much today. I'm trying to get myself into the mindset of drawing/writing/creating even if it's not good. Even if it isn't perfect I should still be creating because it's what I want to be known for and it's what I want to do, it just takes a bit of effort. Gonna try to get a drawing out today or tomorrow.

One of my new tumblr-made friends is being a bit distant and I'm worried about them. I haven't known them for long (literally like a month) so I don't know their habits or anything yet. I'm just hoping I haven't upset them or scared them off, or that something particularly bad has come up in their life. Hopefully they're alright.

The school morning tea was good. My friend picked me up in her car and luckily there weren't a lot of people there. Only about 10 of us from a class of about 75, and it was all people I liked or tolerated. My friend who wants me to be in his upcoming zombie short film chatted with me about it, I saw teachers I like again, I got like three cans of free Sprite, it was great all round. Me and a few friends have another get together some time in the next few weeks which will be nice as the people I hate/cannot tolerate aren't invited. Yippee!

tw discussing s/h briefly

As was probably clear from last night's posting, I relapsed. However, there is a silver lining here. I didn't cut myself or draw any blood in any way. I hit myself and got a small bruise, but it's already starting to fade just a day later, and the headache was gone by mid-morning. I'm dedicated to trying to get to 3 days right now, and then hopefully to a week. Trying to focus on the positives. My longest streak in a while has been 3 days and so I'm trying to break that. I'm still counting hitting (whether against something hard or with the pliers) as a relapse because one, it usually leaves a bruise and gives me a killer headache (sometimes for days on end) and two, it is to harm myself. I'm still struggling with thoughts of.. man, I gotta find a name for this. "drinking" feels wrong - its not that much blood - but maybe "taking" is more accurate? Let's go with that. I'm still struggling with thoughts of taking but I'm trying to acknowledge them and then move on. Rather than ignoring them, I'm telling myself "Okay, I want to do that, but I know I'll only feel worse for it, and even though I don't know what's causing the feelings directly, I know it's a problem and has to do with my mental illnesses, therefore I shouldn't give in." It's worked so far today, if only for today. I still can't help but wonder why I ever had the feelings in the first place, though. I just want them to go away now is all I know. Either way, this approach definitely works better than telling myself "If you give in you'll go crazy and never be able to stop like some freak vampire-hannibal hybrid so ignore the hunger." That definitely wasn't working.

Anyway, wish me luck. 1 day clean as I write this.

Song of the Day: Pieces - Sum 41

Also, I'm going to start putting TL;DRs at the end of my diary posts cuz they're long as shit and ain't nobody got time for that.

TL;DR:

Today was okay. Did Christmas shopping, ready to prank my older sisters. Didn't do much else, want to draw more. One of my friends is distant, I'm a bit worried. Final exam debrief morning tea was good. Relapsed but wasn't as bad as usual. Trying a new approach to staying clean; acknowledging urges and validating them. Trying to get to 3 days, then a week.

Clean since 18 December 2024

[dwtsfun]

Dancing with the Stars Season 33 Week 8: Conrad, Come Here. Let's Talk

So we're back. This was an interesting week of competition. I don't think the dancing was as good as it could've been. There's a lot of factors, but I will explain the main one pretty soon.

Before I get there, Dwight and Daniella were eliminated. While it made sense, I was still a little disappointed as I found them to be some of the most entertaining people on this season. They should be proud as they figured out how to make a 1 and a half foot difference in height, work on this show. Contrary to popular belief online, Dwight was very good. He gave one strong performance this week and one where he was hosed. More on that later. So it was sad to see him go. I'm nervous for Chandler y'all. So tonight, if you like her, you MUST vote. Now let's talk about this instant challenge.

Instant Dance Challenge

I'm sorry but it was a flop. Conrad, bring that ass here. You KNOW better. In seasons 11 and 12, the instant dance round worked. You know why? You gotta remember why. You were EP back then. If you don't remember, let me remind you. The instant dance rounds worked back then because everyone was given the style that they were gonna do. The couples didn't have to put together 5 routines for one night of competition. It was also a rhythmic Latin dance. We didn't have to worry about the instant dance being a ballroom dance or a paso (of all dances). That means that we saw rumbas, salsas, cha-chas, jives and even a few sambas. Ballroom dances and a paso should've NEVER been in consideration for those instant dances. It is way too hard to figure out choreo on the spot for those while getting the technique somewhat right. Dwight and Daniella did well with what they had, but they were at an automatic disadvantage from jump.

Next, giving them their music 5 minutes before they got out on the floor was stupid! In the past they got their music after they finished with their first round, got changed (in private) and would work on putting their routine to that music before they got out on the floor. It wasn't a mad dash to change (let's not forget that those costumes could have ripped as they were putting them on right before the danced), listen to the music and figure something out in 7 minutes. You know how ridiculously unnecessary that whole ordeal was. The first way was a challenge. There would be drama and tension. But it was controlled and seemed possible. The show was nice to the couples. This was cruel. Imagine getting a song you never heard before and having to put something together without knowing any of the accents in the beat?

And let's talk about the stupid lie that they had to "choose" the right costume. NO! The show has their measurements. This cast in particular has varying different body shapes and sizes. Ilona can't fit what Chandler would wear. Neither of them can fit the pros' costumes. Rylee can't fit a Jenna/Daniella/Witney costume. Dwight is 6'10. Stephen is 5'7. Danny and Joey are the same height but Danny is much thicker than Joey. Brandon and Alan also have a similar thing with being the same height, but Brandon being thicker. They knew who had what costume. Just give them the costume after their first round dance so that they can change and get that out of the way. And the changing with the silhouette was so invasive and creepy and not family friendly AT ALL. Yeah we didn't see anything. But the fact that we're watching them change on stage, in the middle of the audience mind you, was so weird. Stop that. Conrad, you're clicking down. Get it together.

Also I wanna say that I agree with Cheryl about the iconic dances. They should've had to incorporate something from the old dance. Otherwise, you're just dancing to the same song.

Chandler and Brandon- These two had a night for the DWTS books. Both dances were perfect. That Argentine tango was especially amazing. Her lines are gorgeous. She moves with such power, grace and fluidity. That cha-cha was also an A+ dance, even with all the stupidity of that round happening. I think that Brandon's choreography has been extremely refreshing and underappreciated. He's been great all season, but especially for those two dances. Y'all. Vote for her please. I want them in the finale. I am so excited for a freestyle from them.

Joey and Jenna- So I don't care for contemporaries as always. This was a great dance. My critique is the same as CAI's actually (and I'm so glad she got her good sense back). Y'all know I don't care about the character of a dance unless there's an obvious gap in that and the performance. Well, that's what was happening here. There was nothing that he gave me from an emotional standpoint. And considering this was supposed to be inspired by Riker and Allison's contemporary, it was lacking. Even if it wasn't, it was still lacking. No perfect score there. As for the rumba, they handled it pretty well. I hated them not actually choreographing an end to it. He just kinda slid. Which okay. A lot of the instant dances were like that. He's still got feet problems. Is he pigeon toed? It might explain a lot. Yeah, he had a good night.

Ilona and Alan- I loved their quickstep. It was Ilona's best dance by far. A big critique that I have is actually for Alan. I don't think we needed to have them break hold. She was doing so well in hold and then was not as confident out of hold. It was a good decision for entertainment sake I guess. But I wanted Ilona to really stick it to us. And I believe that she could've gotten a perfect score if she was in hold for the whole dance. Their salsa was blah. I love Da Dip. But when you slow that song down that much? It sucks. And it wasn't right for a salsa. Why not use simple stuff, like Tequila or something. It's simple. It's been cleared in the past. It works. Just do that so the couples don't have to search so hard for the salsa beats.

Stephen and Rylee- I think Rylee and Stephen benefited a lot from having Mark come in. There was an ease of movement that I saw from Stephen that I saw from Stephen that I had never seen before. Mark had issues with Aly not being able to count music and I think he helped these two get Stephen over that hump. He still had some issues in that Viennese waltz where he stiffened up, maybe anticipating the next step. But he felt the music way better this time around and his technique was good outside of his frame in those moments where he got stiff. His jive was much better this time around. Still wasn't perfect, but the timing and his feet were much better.

Danny and Witney- These two definitely struggled the most with putting together 5 routines. While I think their quickstep was good, Danny started out a little behind the music and was moving a little small. As the dance went on, he settled into it more. The side by side sections were actually pretty good. He has to work on his frame and his posture. He hunches and he sticks his butt out. The jive started out as a disaster. But they ended up getting back on track and finishing strong. He should've gotten the same score as Dwight but oh well.

And that's it. Let me know your thoughts. Glad I got this out before the show started in the Mountain Zone. I'm trying y'all, but this has been a year from hell at my job. I'll talk to you all soon though and make sure you VOTE!

[coffeeallaloneandlord]

That poll about fiction vs nonfiction was funny to me bc just last night I made a formal reading calendar for myself which I am going to share with you all here. I'm using August to try and finish up some loose ends with what I'm reading and then sticking to my curriculum. For reference I am typically reading up to 6 different books at once I need a ton of variety which is why I came up with this schedule lol.

Fall

Fiction

September: Back to school. American Lit something short less than 200 pages. I'm thinking of reading Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck for this (107 pages)

October: Something I will admit to getting influenced to do is I started collecting Pulitzer Prize for Literature winners. I saw someone on tt who had theirs organized together and I was like I bet I have enough to put together a shelf. I had 7 at the time, a few months ago, now I've doubled that to about 14 (all thrifted!). But I've only read 1 lmao. Since the Pulitzer is awarded in October I'm gonna make that my month to read one.

Nonfiction: Historical Bio. For this category this fall I want to read a biography I have of Mary Wollstonecraft.

Winter

Fiction: Classic Literature. This can mean whatever I want but basically something pre 1945.

Non Fiction

Nov/Dec: Poverty Awareness in America. Got this idea from Google technically for January but I thought Nov/Dec makes a lot more sense for obvious reasons.

Jan/Feb: Black History

Spring, March - May

Fiction: Contemporary Literature

Nonfiction: Women's History, Gender and Women's Studies, Feminism, etc. This is really a year round category for me but I'll focus more on it in the spring.

Summer

Fiction: Shakespeare :) Really the idea to read on a yearly basis started with Shakespeare in Summer idea. The seasonal aspect really motivated me to follow thru with finishing. I can see myself expanding this category to include Shakespeare and also Greek/Roman Classics.

Nonfiction: June is Pride obviously, and then I couldn't really come up with a final category for July/August. Like I said at the top, I'm using the next 2 weeks before September to try and finish up some books, so I just wrote "Summer Reading :)" here lol. For nonfiction maybe I could do a sports book for the summer, I just read Moneyball which was one of my favorite reads ever so I'm still riding that high lol.

And this only represents 2 of my given reading slots, a fiction and a nonfiction. And the reason I did this was to balance my fiction and nonfiction lol! My other slots aren't seasonal but generally look something like this

Slot 3: Memoir/Personal Writing

Close friends of mine know that the single most influential important book of my entire life, the book that made me promise myself to never stop reading books, is the Autobiography of Malcolm X. I really really really believe in the power of autobiography and memoir, they are consistently my favorite books ever and I think we have so much valuable insight to gain from living inside the experiences of others. I am always reading something in this genre.

Slot 4: Elena Ferrante I know some of the tumblr girls respect this one. I am on the second of four in her Neapolitan Novels. I also have another novel of hers that I found at the thrift I couldn't believe my eyes. I predict it will take me another year to finish this out.

Slot 5: Something Fun and Light, either like sci-fi/fantasy or kid lit/YA or both. However Fun and Light are really misnomers bc I feel like I wade thru a lot of like shitty pulpy stuff trying to find something palatable. My friends on Goodreads know what a hater I can be lol. Or the flip side is I just read Charlotte's Web for the first time in forever and it almost made me cry like constantly lmao.

Slot 6 Miscellaneous but usually something will just call to me and make me drop everything else I'm reading so I gotta leave room for that.

And that's how you can figure out which 6 books I'm juggling in any given month!

[lunarpanda]

I’m gonna need another arcade episode because I love arcade episodes so much.

[toasterdogs]

Before Dating

Monty x Babysitter!Reader (pt.1)

-It was one of the kids birthdays when he first saw you

-the kids parents had forced you to go with him to a meet and greet, since they had no interest

-it was a usual vip package, but one where he'd present cake instead of freddy (who was at another party)

-but the birthday boy wasn't having it, he wanted Freddy

-he started throwing things, cake, toys and even chairs all at the animatronic

-Monty was almost at his limit (mans literally about to add another kid to the fnaf kill count)

-but that's when you stepped in...

-yelling that you were gonna tell his parents and they'd take away all his presents (that shut him up quick)

-after taking care of the kid you approached him, he expected you to complain. Maybe say you wanted freddy, chica, Roxy anyone but him 

-but instead you look at him with an apologetic smile

-"I'm sorry about him, he's a brat but I gotta pay the bills somehow" You lick your thumb, wiping off a piece of cake from his nose and he already feels weak at the knees. 

-he's completely forgotten about the kid who wanted to rip him apart only a couple of seconds ago

-his attention is all on you the rest of the party, as you participate in activities with such a cheerful expression

-So using his rockstar charm (mostly threats) he alters the free gifts to give you a year entrance to the pizzaplex

-sometimes his own genius scares him

-You begin to come more often, liking the atmosphere of the mega pizza plex. (and the food is a plus) 

-Where ever you go, Monty just so happens to be doing a floor walk. Signing autographs and posing for photos, he greets you by name which makes you happy that he remembers you.

-eventually he becomes the animatronic you are most acquainted with, regularly having chats when he can get away.

-he's still his confident and flirty self, dialing the flirty up to eleven. 

-he's a big nickname guy: dollface, puddin, babycakes, shortie

-He tries to impress and find excuses to get close to you constantly

-"oh? you're playing Monty golf? Let me give you tips since I'm the best"

"Playing in the arcade? How about a round of air hockey? make sure not to cry when I beat you" 

-One thing he absolutely adores is competitiveness, so when you're more than willing to take him in any challenge? mans putty in your hands

-also he uses any excuse to invite you to his room, just so he can have you all to himself

-"tired? have a rest in my room, dollface" 

-he even keeps his room clean (well…cleaner) for you

-and by keeps it clean, I means he forces the staff bots to clean it since he can't clean anything without breaking something (trust me he tried)

-God he just loves when you talk to him like he's the only one in the world and he's so sad when you have to leave at closing time

-but he knows you'll be back next week

[kaz11283]

Only One God For Me

(Part 2 of Love Never Wins)

SUMMARY: After blowing up at him afyer weeks of hiding out you challenge Loki to hand to hand. Blowing up might have been the best thing, it could help you let off that frustration you had built up.

Characters: Nat, Clint, Thor, Loki, avengers on the side line.

(Loki x you, clint x you, Thor x you, Nat x you)

ANNOUNCEMENT: I didnt know how much part 1 was going to be but I am forever greatful in this amazing community! Thank you guys SO much! Check out my other stuff too if you like this. As always reblog, ask, comment, and like! After I finish up here I'll be back to writing for Fire and Ice. Thank you again so SO much for everything! 💚💚💚

Loki Master List

~~~~

You and Nat were standing at one end of the training area as Loki walked in. You glanced up from Nat wrapping your hands and noticed he was wearing his normal traing gear. Plain leather black pants with a dark green Henley, his hands already wrapped.

"Focus, your getting distracted." She said yanking on one of the straps.

"Ow. I cant help it Nat, we went from cant keep our hands away from each other to literally fist fighting each other. Ya know this is normally frowned upon is normal society." You streched your fingers out and balled them back up streching out the gloves a little.

"Hunny, even in a perfect world were anything but normal. I mean for god sakes your fighting a literal god. You remember what I taught you. Right?" She asked looking almost terrified for me.

"Yes mother, I havent forgotten. This is gonna be a piece of cake." Inside you were freaking out. You normally was in a very high spot with your bow or normally trying to break into the computers. You wasnt normally in hand to hand combat, but you were smarter than to think you would never need it.

You turned shaking you head and putting the mouth piece in your mouth. Hitting you fist together jumping back and forth getting ready. Loki just stood there smirking. You was gonna smack that smirk off his face.

"Hey sis, Im not saying you cant beat him just be careful. He throws a nasty left hook." Clint said munching on some chips."Thanks, Hawk. Mind explaining why the rest of the team is here?" You mumbled around the mouth piece.

"Thor, definitely Thor." He said walking back to the small group that gathered.

"Sweetheart. Are we gonna fight or are you just gonna stand there chit chatting?" He called across the mat.

"I'm coming." You walked across the mat to the center. Someone hit a bell signaling for the fight to start and he jumped toward you. You dodged his first attemped and circled him slowly. You could read his every move, read where he was going next.

You took a defence stance that Nat had taught you from your training before he lunged again. This time you managed to upper cut him in the side knocking some of the wind from him.

"Oh you little minx. I figured I would take it easy on you but we can play your way also." This time he took a step back centering himself. Looking up you noticed he had a dangerous look in his eye.

"I didnt invite you here to take it easy on me, I invited you because you dont take anything serious. Because if someone like me can beat you in hand to hand then anyone can." You stepped closer to him gauging what move you was going to make next.

He dropped down to the mat attempting to sweep your legs out from under you, he missed one but caught the other causing you to fall. He jumped on top of you pinning your hands above your head. "Now this positions brings back memories." He whispered to you causing your face to turn bring red. You brought your leg up able to wrap it around his waist and slammed him back down to the mat gaining some advantage.

"This one also." He smirked. You raised your fist above you aiming for his face. Whem you brought it down he moved his head causing you to miss. It felt like forever that you were both on the mat neither one gaining aginst the other. A busted lip here a bloody nose there. When the bell rang for a break Nat was in your corner with Clint offering you some water and a rag ti wipe the blood off.

"Sis, I'm try in real hard not to grab an arrow and stabe him with it." Clint said from one side. You could see anger in his eyes.

"Hawk, its fine. Given the circumstance its all good. Its just training in a matter of speaking. Anger is mostly wunning but I got this. I was trained by the best. I'm not even tired." You took another drink of water before going back out to the mat.

"This is fun. I have never seen my brother trying harder to win anything in his life." Thor shouted across the room. "Lady y/n is quite good at sparing. We must fight sometime." Thor laughed.

A few more rounds when and you could feel the weight of the afternoon but you wasjt about to simply throw in the towel just yet. You knew you could get the best of him. You had thrown him back on the mat then he took his feet placing them on your chest shoving you off of him. Before you knew it you were surrounded by multipuls of him.

"Loki we agreed no sedair! This is cheating!" You yelled at them.

"God of Mischief and lies sweetheart. Besides we're in weird predicaments all the time. You said so yourself. Tell you what. You find the real me and I'll forfeit." One of the clones said. You stood up in the middle of them all focusing everything you had on concentrating, ignoring Clint yelling in the background and the rest of the group shouting.

You opened your eyes zeroing in on one closest to you and walked up to him.

"Are you sure your right about this decision?" It mocked.

"Yeah. I think I am." You brought the ball of yoyr fist up crashing it into Loki's nose. The rest of the clones disappered as he fell to his knees in front of you. "You are a complete and utter asshole Loki Odinson. I hope that it messes with you for a while that you got beat by a mortal." You started unwrapping your gloves as you walked away.

Over the next few weeks you avoided every living space in the tower that you knew he would be in. It had truly hurt you that he had cheated during the fight. You still couldnt understand how just months before you couldn't keep your hands off of each other now you were both avoiding each other like the plague.

"Miss y/n. Team has a mission. Tony wants everyone in the confrence room dressed and ready in 15 minutes." JARVIS called pausing your movie. With a roll of your eyes you walked to your bedroom to start getting ready. Pulling out your tight skinny jeans a black tank top and your zip up hoodie you French braided your hair and grabbed your bow case before heading down.

The rest of the team was gathered when you walked in and placed your case on the table opening it up to make sure everything was right. Streching out the strings and making sure the sights were spot on aiming them to the other side of the room where Loki stood.

"It would be more effecitve if you had an arrow." Clint whispered next to you.

"Shut up, I'm just making sure everything is right." You put it back down in the case and started going over your arrows.

"You realize we have a place you can put that when your not using it." Tony said walking around you.

"Right up your ass if you suggest that again." You laughed putting everything back up.

"Love the enthusiasm kid." Tony laughed walking to the front of the table.

"Ok Team, going to be a long few days for us. Just got some Intel about a caravan carrying some explosives across the Scandinavian border. Gonna have to divide into teams for this one. Hawk, Nat, Strange, Rodgers, Bruce, and Thor you'll be starting at the meeting point and working your way toward us. The rest is with me." Tony pulled a map up on the big screen showing where you wwre going.

"Oh come on, why cant I be with the A team?" You asked with a groan.

"Sorry kid, gotta divide it up right. One god for each, one Archer. Only fair. And even if you two hate each other you guys work good together." Tony shrugged.

"Yeah sorry kid." Clint laughed.

"Hey I'm a full three minutes older that you. Probably explains why I'm better. Whatever. I'll go pack my stuff." You huffed standing up.

The next two hours seems to drag by, it was freezing here. You was just ready to get this over with so that you could go back home and relax in a nice warm bath, you pulled your jacket tighter aginst you.

"I've told you many times that you should start wearing the uniform that they gave you. You'll freeze to death one day." Loki said taking off his cloak and putting it around your shoulders.

"Thanks, but I'm still pissed at you." You hugged it closer. "I hate the whole uniform thing. To tight to revealing."

Another few minutes pass before Tony gives everyone the heads up that your about to be over the caravan. Figuring you were warm enough you took the cloak off and handed it back to him. "You may still be pissed at me but I do still care very deeply for you y/n. I was an idiot for everything." He took it and wrapped it around his shoulders. When his fingers grazed yours there was a surge that went through you.

"Give me time. You really hurt me, not just by breaking up with me but by lying to me during training. Good luck out there God of Mischief."

"Tony, your gonna have to get lower i cant get a clear shot on the driver!" You yelled over the wind whipping around your face. About that time a diffrent arrow shot through gettkng the driver in the side causing the vehicle to completly stop.

"Gotta be faster than that sis. One for me." Clint laughed over the com.

"You are my least favorite person right now Hawk." You mumbled. Tony brought the Quinn Jet down so your team could spread out.

"That is truly saying something my dear." Lokis smooth voice said in your ear.

"You gave me your cloak to keep me warm. Gave you a fell points." You pulled back again and shot it through the truck behind the first hitting the driver in the head. "Got one, Hawk, your next."

"Can we cut the chatter. Got alot going on in the sky at the moment." Tony said. Youbcould here something firing above you looking up you could see Tony being followed by a jet firing at him. "Need some back up guys. Twins. Anyone."

"Hawk. I need a Boom Boom stick." You met him in the middle of the road.

"I really wish you wouldnt call them that." He said handing you one. You both pulled your bows back and aimed. "Heads or tails?"

"I like the tails." You let go of the sting and watched as the jet exploded.

"I think she can call them whatever she wants as long as she keeps doing a good job keeping bogies off my ass." Tony yelled over the coms.

"I hate this. I cant see shit down here." You yelled over to Clint. "I gotta get higher." You looked around eyeballing the turnes over truck. You threw the bow across your back and started climbing up the truck. Shots rang around you one grazing your side, before it had started it was like it stopped looking behind you you noticed Loki with his daggers in his hands.

"You need to pay more attention y/n." He scolded you.

"Why pay attention when I have someone keeping an eye out for me." You smiled.

"Oh darling Im doing more than just keeping an eye out." After everything that ass had done to you he was flirting FLIRTING with you.

"Y/N! No. More. Gods." Clint yelled. From here you could see everything going on. Nat fighting two men, you took one out easily from your spot. She shot you a thumbs up. Bruce had hulked out throwing things everywhere, multiple times you had to dodge something flying your way. The fight was almost over when you glanced behind you noticing four men backing Loki aginst a turned over car.

His hands were up as if in surrender. "Loki why arent you using your sedair?" You mumbled pulling the bow back.

"Well darling you could say that I am in on of those weird predicaments. I've exahusted alot of my power down here." His back was aginst the truck now.

"Could let him get beat up." Clint pipped in as you shot one of your last arrows though two of the guys standing there. You watched Loki easily take out the other two.

"Told you Hawk, I'm not like that." You smiled walking over to Loki. "Although you could use a little practice in hand to hand, dont you agree?"

"Only if your the one practicing with me he smailed down at you.

"Ugh! Y/n! No mo-" Clint started before you pulled the com from your ear.

"Only one God for me." You leaned up kissing Loki on the cheek.

~~~~

Tag List:

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

[alleiradayne]

Hey, I just read your comment about witch hazel and how you had a c-section. You announced that you were pregnant a little while ago (congratulations again btw) but I'm curious if you plan on another c-section or are going to try VBAC? I ask because my first was a c-setion (bugger was upside down and refused to turn so it was planned) and I VBAC-ed with my second. So I'm curious how other people might make the decision or if it's even available. If this is too personal feel free to ignore!

HI. YES. LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS. I HAVE NO SHAME OR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES WHEN IT COMES TO TALKING ABOUT CHILDBIRTH. :)

Preface: Childbirth used to terrify me. Now on the other side of it, it's absolutely fascinating so I'm going in with eyes wide open on Round 2 and stoked for it.

So first, you need to know the reason I had a c-section to begin with. And honestly, I feel like if I had had a dula and a midwife with me I might not have ended up having one. Maybe.

My water broke at 4:30 AM without any contractions on Thursday, November 15th (2018). I... I am not smart. Nobody, not a single person in any of the classes I had been to had ever said, "Go straight to the fucking hospital if your water breaks, even if you're not in labor." In fact, since then, I have had plenty of people be like, "if you weren't in labor there was no reason to go to the hospital". But that's a different issue altogether. I digress.

I did not go to the hospital immediately because I wasn't in labor. But I called the doctor's office later that morning and they were like, "Wtf is wrong with you go to the fucking hospital" (exaggerated, obv). So I went to the hospital only to find out what I already knew: I was not in labor, not dilated, but water broken.

This is the part where I wish I'd had a dula and a midwife. Within an hour of getting admitted the nurses were like, welp, you're not going into labor on your own, you're not dilating at all, so it's time to induce you. Gotta get the baby out, broken water increases risk for infection.

I kinda wish I'd had someone to push back. I knew nothing about pitocin, had no clue what was about to happen (I mean, I understood it induces labor/dilation/contractions, but that's it). UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, I ended up with UNCONTROLLABLE ROLLING contractions with no reprieve in between. Normal contractions are about five minutes apart. That's about as close as they ever get naturally. They last about a minute, then you get a breather in between. And usually, pitocin can mimic this, but for some people (e.g. me) no dose will get it right.

If the nurses reduced the pitocin drip, my rate of dilation slowed down drastically. If they turned it back up, I got uncontrollable rolling contractions, but I kept dilating at a rate they approved of. So they opted for uncontrollable rolling contractions versus the former, slower dilation.

Since you had a VBAC, Nonny, you know what contractions feel like. There is no pain on earth I have ever felt that comes remotely close. They're kinda like a really awful IBS bowel movement. But multiply that by like a boogagillion. Now imagine them just one after the other. No time in between. No chance to catch my breath. The pain went up, peaked, came back down, then started right the fuck back up the mountain.

I demanded an epidural after an afternoon of that shit.

Which is fucking stupid because epidurals ALSO slow down labor! They slow down dilation so like, why couldn't they have just left the fucking pitocin a little lower so I could have avoided the epidural and having to push on my fucking back (I wanted to push in a squatting position so I wasn't working against gravity). I didn't end up getting to 10 cm until THE NEXT DAY...

Anyway, I digress again.

The end of the story is that I couldn't push my child out because, as I have known for a very long time, I suck at being a cis woman. If you can't tell, I am still WILDLY pissed about this. My OBGYN tries to tell me that the shape of my daughter's head and the shape of my pelvis were not a match but I was never diagnosed with CPD (small or narrow pelvis).

FAST FORWARD TO TODAY

I met with the same OBGYN a couple weeks ago and she was like we should talk about delivery, what are you thinking considering what happened the first time? And I'm glad she asked that. So that gave me some hope that she'd like, listen to me. And I told her I want to try a VBAC under specific circumstances. Those circumstances are:

1. I go into labor before my water breaks, or, if my water does break before going into labor, we can kickstart labor naturally, no pitocin.

2. No emergencies occur that would actually require a c-section (breach/head up/distress/lack of fluid/etc).

If an emergency does occur or we can't get labor to start properly again, then yeah, it'll be a c-section. I won't deal with the pitocin or the rolling contractions or an epidural that'll just need to be redone with a full spinal block for the c-section. So much shit went so wrong last time (and yeah I use the word "wrong" because I really do feel like none of this shit had to happen this way) and I don't want it to happen again but I don't think just scheduling a c-section is necessary.

I have a lot of trauma/emotion/frustration tied to my first childbirth because I like failed to do the one god damn thing my body was ACTUALLY like built for? I'm not saying my entire existence/purpose is to push a baby out of my vagina, but my cis female body is technically designed for it, and yet, I couldn't fucking do it for like no reason. Not because of any emergency or situation that required it. Just because I couldn't push. My body, a thing I once trusted and believed in and thought was so damn strong, failed me. And I'm still dealing with that.

Hoping for a VBAC is like... I'm worried I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. Even though I know this is what I want to do, I'm struggling to stay positive. I feel like I'm convincing myself of something that's just not gonna happen or was never possible in the first place. March is so far away, ugh.

So that was a lot to say, yeah I wanna do a VBAC and I had the option and spoke with my OBGYN about it. Thank you for asking!

[cancerbiophd]

Hi Julia, I'm a second year grad student and I'm trying to juggle quals(write and orally defend an F31 application) and finishing up paper revisions for the next month.How do I schedule time for reading papers, writing my exam, and finishing experiments for the paper (not to mention self care, bf time, friend time, exercise, chores....) Thanks, as always you are such a great resource/help/human!

Hi Anon!

Oh man I’ve definitely been there done that. My quals was the same format. And it was a difficult time! Juggling all those things and still doing them well (like, we gotta pass our quals) was not a walk in the park! This is what I did and still do to balance my million tasks (including time for self-care, chores, and relationships). I hope some of it will work for you too, or give you an idea for something to try that will work for you. 

The short answer to everything: Schedule everything you need to do. Schedule it in advance, and down to the hour. 

The long answers:

Writing (F31, paper revisions, etc):

First, break it down into doable tasks. Pretend you’re a professor teaching a class on writing an F31–what should the lectures/homework assignments be? For example, the F31 can be broken down into: Specific Aims page; Preliminary Data; Research Approach for Aim 1, 2, and 3; Biosketch, etc. Your manuscript can be broken down into Introduction, Methods, Results (which can be further broken down to each Figure), Discussion, Abstract, etc. 

Then, plan out on a calendar (physical or electronic; I prefer Google Calendars) your due dates for those tasks. You may need to work backwards from the due date for the final thing (ie when your committee members need a copy of your F31 to read before your quals date, or when you want to submit your papers). For example, maybe next Friday you’d like to have a draft of your Specific Aims page done. 

Don’t forget that editing counts as tasks! So if the first draft of Specific Aims page is due next Friday, and then you may decide to finish round 1 editing it on Monday. 

Schedule in a weekly (or daily) time to write and treat it like a doctor’s appointment or class. This is probably the most important thing to do. Studies have shown that writing regularly, rather than writing when the “motivation” hits, yields more finished pieces. And doing things that are related to writing, such as literature searches and editing, still count as writing!

Have a writing buddy so you two can hold each other accountable, and also edit each other’s writings. Preferably this is someone in your cohort who is also working on their F31. Make your due dates the same so you can both edit each other’s work, and also schedule regular meet-ups to rant about writing :) Venting and bonding over shared experiences does help!

Experiments:

Plan your experiments using the same calendar for your writing tasks (so they don’t overlap). By doing this, you avoid scheduling too much or too little, and also you’ll be less likely to forget small tasks. I like to schedule in my experiment as soon as it’s planned so I don’t forget. Some people prefer to-do lists, but imo, a long to-do list is overwhelming; but a schedule that has all the tasks broken down helps me visualize that yes, I can do it. 

Got some down-time during experiments? Use it wisely. I like scrolling through my phone as much as the next person during my 5 min washes, but when it’s crunch-time, I bring my laptop into the lab with me and try to multitask. If I have 5x 5min washes during western blots, that’s almost half-an-hour of glorious time to use! 

Ask for help when you need it (including delegating tasks to other people). A lab is a team, and teams can only function if we all help each other when someone needs it. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s encouraged to ask for help. If anything, it’s better for the experiment and thus the science, so it’s in everyone’s best interest to help one another in the lab!

Plan your experiments really really well to save time. Running the right controls, conditions, and combos not only makes the results more robust, but it can save a lot of time, energy, and $$. There’s nothing worse than having to re-run a huge experiment because the correct controls weren’t included. I always like to run my experimental set-up by my PI or lab manager to make sure it’s sound. 

Reading:

Schedule in your reading time too and have a summary sheet. And to help you not have to re-read the same paper over and over because you forgot the details–have a summary sheet attached to the paper with all the important goodies. Or in my case, I just write all those things down in the margins of the first page. 

Save all your readings in an electronic works cited program for easy access if you need to cite it later for your papers or F31. I use and love Mendeley (which also gives you the option to take notes on the paper, add tags, etc). It even has a browser plug-in so you can save a paper you find online directly, as well as a Word Doc module-thingy so you can automatically make a works cited page (and do in-text citations). I highly recommend it if you haven’t used it already. EndNote does the same stuff but costs $$$. 

Read smart, not hard. If it’s a paper on something you’re already familiar with, skip the Intro and Methods and text of Results and just look at the Figures and Figure Legends. That’s all the info you need right there!

Self-care, chores, and relationships:

Schedule it in your calendar! If you’re wondering if I literally schedule everything in my life, the answer is yep. I schedule in when I’m gonna go grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, hanging out with friends, etc. That way I know I have time to do it, and I also actually do it. If you’re having trouble maintaining a self-care routine, I would schedule that in too! It also takes away the feeling of “guilt” of taking time for yourself when you know you’ve planned well for it. 

When I was at my busiest, I also scheduled a once a week “date-night” with my now-husband-then-boyfriend. It was every Wednesday evening that was just for us–no work, no chores, etc. I have another point of advice for maintaining a good relationship with your significant during something as busy and stressful as grad school.

For more advice on organizing, check out my #organizing-advice tag here!

Yepppp google calendar is my lifeline. I just need that, my heart, and my liver, and I’m good. 

I hope that helps! Good luck on your F31 and your quals!!! 

[dzpenumbra]

10/26/22

Today was very bad. I'm just getting that out of the way, this was not a good day by any stretch of the imagination. I woke up at 9 AM to a missed call and voicemail from my vet. I got really insecure about talking on the phone while sleep deprived and half-awake and kinda still high. But I knew it was the test results. I went back to sleep, somehow.

Woke up later in the day, around 1 or so, to a second call and voicemail from my vet. I called them back around 3 after I got up and got settled in and woken up a bit. I've always been very insecure about that. I do not like talking to people when I'm not at my fullest, not before coffee, not if I'm high, not if I'm half awake. I feel very repulsed by it, I feel like it makes me look bad, I feel like people treat me different then, I feel like people will judge me by my lack of mental capacities and attention span, or me getting lost or distracted, or whatever... and treat me differently than otherwise. So I really revolve my life around being my best self around people, I really do try, and kinda obsess over it. Which I miss not caring about. A lot.

I called the vet back, we coordinated a few hours later, at like 5 or so. She... confirmed that my cat has hyperthyroidism. And stressed (editing to add "emphasized", "made a point to point out") that we caught it in the early stages, so treatment should be effective. I really hope so, she offered up an ointment or something for her ears that I'm going to apply. I figured that shouldn't bother her as much as a pill, it's not gonna work for me to try to feed her pills. And she likes having her ears stroked, so it hopefully works.

The food supplements are NOT going well. She is avoiding her canned chicken because of it - god I really hope it's because of that - and kinda just not eating food. So... I really gotta pay attention to that. I ordered some new canned foods that might be more appealing to her, but i have a very strong feeling it's the joint supplement she's avoiding. I'm gonna have to call the vet back about all this in the AM, now that I think about it. My thoughts keep drifting off to that.

Also because I'm pretty sure she ordered the ointment to the wrong pharmacy thats like probably almost an hour and a half round trip from my house. So I'm going to have to call them back tomorrow anyway.

So she's gonna need to get more tests done, like... next month probably. Keep checking the thyroid levels. This is kinda starting to get real now, I guess it didn't hit me before like... how big a change this is. Not the full impact. Because I'm really alone in this. And she's my baby, I've had her since she was like 2 weeks old. And I really don't say that out loud enough, I don't know why. She means the world to me and I want to be even better for her every day. I feel so bad for the fact that this is her life now. Doctor visits, hip pain, still thinks their a kid - me and her are way too alike right now. But I can give for her what I needed for myself, right? Even if she's "just a cat", fucking whatever, I can still do the cat version of being there for her.

So yeah, I don't wanna go too far into the future right now, because I still have to sort out a lot of Now stuff, and if I get too freaked out about how hard and scary things are gonna be from here forward, I'm just gonna freeze up with the Now stuff. So... let's go back to today. So I got the news from the vet and just... tried to mentally --- well, I was gonna say process it, but... nope, distract basically. I just immediately fired up Minecraft and put something on in the background. I just didn't process it at all. I'm... god I was just like curled in a ball nodding my head the whole time the vet talked too. I want to say "I'm such a wuss" about this, but no, I'm just fuckin traumatized about this shit. I'm just rocking back and forth in the trenches like that dude from the Brood War intro cinematic when the Battlecruiser just flies off into orbit and strands them there, and he just lowers his visor. "Take us into orbit, Mr. Malmsteen. We've seen enough."

My mom called like... an hour or so later? I was not able to explain to her that I was in the middle of a PTSD episode. An acute traumatic incident that I really wasn't able to fully process, that I'm still struggling to really wrap my head around. It's very intense. Like... horror movie intense. Like I just got wrapped up in the Mafia somehow or something, like... when the pandemic started? Like that kind of feeling, I guess? Like "oh shit, my life is very different now". "I'm way too disconnected from her to not have noticed this or spoken up about it", "I'm going to have to do this alone", "I don't even have a vet where I'm moving, and she's going to need monthly blood tests, and they said I really need to get the ball rolling on a new vet like now because they may not schedule me for like... months. And I am moving 2.5 hours away. One-way, so 5 hour round trip."

This was all swirling in my head. In the forefront of my mind was the inconvenience of driving, how stressed out that's going to make Max. Like... I'm going to have to drug her the night before, which took 3 hours last time and almost didn't happen. Then I need to hit the road 2.5 hours before my appointment. She has historically not been good on car rides. She gets carsick. So I'll have to subject her to that, drugged, again. And then get blood drawn from her neck. And then drive right back home. Every month until I can get a new vet.

I panicked. Full-on. And just got fucking cranky and frustrated and angry. Angry that I was in this situation, that yet another fucking bullshit thing got thrown on the pile. Like we just can't catch a fucking break. And they won't make an appointment for me to get a vet why? Because all these new people flooded into the state? Because a bunch of people got pets during the pandemic? And I can't get like... serious health care for a 16 year old cat that has lived in this state her entire life. Who I didn't take to the vet for like 10 years because I didn't want to stress her out or upset the vets with how difficult she could be. I still feel like a fucking idiot for that one, but the past is the past. We can't get an appointment why? Because someone needs to get their dog's nails trimmed or something? I don't know. Maybe it's just too many new people in the area, I don't know, but I don't ever remember this being a problem. Not being able to get medical care. Not being able to get an appointment with an eye doctor for glasses so I can legally drive for like... 2-4 months after appointment? Same with dentists and people doctors I've heard, I've basically given up on even trying anything other than urgent care at this point, and even that I put up a fight on.

You see the shift, the cranky bitter aura that oozes out of me when I go down that path? How unjust this situation is. It must be a defense mechanism. Outrage. How dare they. Ugh. What do I do with that? I just want to get it out of my system, it always just wants someone to sit next to him on a bench and kick the dirt with him and go "I know dude, it's fucked up. We've gotta find a solution for this. I'll help, I'll look around and see who I know. Maybe we can get a recommendation or a referral or a personal connection or something." I feel like he would respond well to that. Like "I heard you, I agree with you that the world is fucked up and this kind of stuff shouldn't happen, but I'm reminding you that it is happening... and we're going to bring the best resources we can to make sure this problem is taken care of and handled properly."

I was... really unfocused and scattered and disoriented other than that thought pattern. The outrage logic made sense to me. The rest was very overwhelming and hard to engage with, hard to really process. It put me on my heels I guess, I don't know, I kinda just felt foggy or in a daze or something. Like it just hadn't hit me yet. Like I got the information, it was there, but I was kinda still buffering... so I don't just start freaking out and losing my shit? I guess. It makes sense. Like a mental buffer state to afford me room to self-soothe and prepare for the next dose of realization. So it doesn't hit me all at once. Because I'm very very emotionally sensitive. That must be what I've subconsciously devised. It has to be. And when it's active, I can get kinda non-responsive I guess? Guarded, succinct, withdrawn, suspicious? Stuff like that? I'm still not sure.

So that's two pretty distinctly different personality states displayed right there. The sorta brooding, untrusting recently-hurt, grieving Me. And the outraged, what is wrong with the world?, grumpy bitter Dr. House kinda Me. They're both very different, but very closely connected, they deal in the same business. Self-protection. Caution. Defense. And I'm not sure who's easier to deal with? Honestly, and this might be the disorienting part for others, but I think the outraged Me is easier to deal with. Like easier to calm down and reason with. Scared pouting emo Me is... like a moody teenager, and really hard to crack the secret code of. He really doesn't like giving out information, he doesnt trust people and kinda tries to work around it by enticing people to find the information themselves? Through clues and proposed empathy scenarios, allegories, etc. Ways to kinda... well, now that I think about it, kinda require empathy? Like, either be empathetic or... you're not getting anything? I guess? I don't know, this is my first time really truly exploring this part of my psyche, I never really question it in the moment. I need compassion so badly that I just sorta only cooperate by presenting empathetic scenarios. And most people I encounter with trauma issues (like fucking all of them) see an invitation (...that isn't entirely optional? so... kind of a demand, I guess) to put themselves in the shoes of a traumatized person. Yeah... I can see how that's gonna set off a powderkeg. Yeah, that doesn't work. I mean... I have to give myself some credit here. I do have good intentions. And I'm making my needs very clearly announced. But I guess this way of approaching it is a bad habit. I erased the word "very" to be a little fair with myself. I've had a long day and I don't want to be any harsher on myself than I need to be. I think I need to work on this. But that state is one of the hardest for me to access in the moment. It's a very primal part of me, I think. Something that deals with very close, very painful traumas. I think it's very deep near the brainstem, so it can be very tricky to reach, and to copilot with. So I can make it a longer term goal, for right now... I need support. I can't rely on overriding PTSD responses like this when I have important medical stuff I need to take care of.

The fight with my mom started very quickly and went on for a long time. I didn't look at the clock. It was very bad. We learned a lot in the last bit of it, but it was very bad. And I don't want to relive it. So... we're going to see where it goes tomorrow. She knows someone that works at the Animal Hospital, a friend of many years. She's going to check in with her and see if she can hook me up with a vet in my new town. See if she can pull some strings. My current vet would but she literally just moved here 2 weeks ago, and she was on her 3rd day of work at this hospital when I first saw her. She is probably the worst vet that I could be paired up with for this situation, but she's a really really nice and knowledgeable person, so I'm trying to be polite and kind, but I really need some people higher up in the hospital to get involved here to use some connections, because I really don't want my cat to get more sick. She's already suffering enough, and the blood tests have been a lot too, I really don't want her to miss treatment on top of that. She deserves better than that.

So we came out of the call with a solution. I made buffalo chicken ramen with string cheese in it because I was out of other cheeses. And apple juice that I got for free from the grocery store. I tried to feed Max but she wouldn't eat. So I played with her for a bit, and she did play, but she didn't eat after. She doesn't even really get up and play anymore, she just lays there and bats at it, then runs and chases for a little bit, then lays down again. :( It's really hard, but at least she's having fun! You know? I just want her to be happy. She gets so many cuddles, so I really want to balance this feeling out a bit because I'm crying. And it's okay to cry. I love her very much. I just really hope she has more time than I'm afraid she does. I hope this isn't like my dog, where one day things are fine and then literally the next day... So, okay, lets just ground a bit, because crying is one thing and is really good and cathartic emotional expression... but catastrophizing is an extension off of that. This isn't the same situation as my dog. She has been on a decline, yes. But that decline has been going on for a while... like... years. So yes, it's possible she may take a turn quickly. But that isn't the trend currently. I hope. I will pay more attention, that's something I can do about this, just keep checking in with her throughout the day.

So yeah, that was basically most of it. I really have to pee, I'm gonna check on my girl while I'm up because she's not here.

I got her to follow me into the bedroom, I sat on the floor and played with her a bit. She just sorta lays her hips out and slumps onto the floor. I guess Cerry used to do that a bit too, now that I think about it. I pet her on the hips with a little too much pressure and noticed the discomfort and apologized. After we played she walked into the bathroom, I think... I hope she comes back in and hangs out in bed. I'm not sure why she's in the other room instead, she's usually in here with me.

I hope its not because of the fight. Or the supplements. I don't know.

I'm a bit paranoid right now that since I've like barely ever left my cat's side and I'm always at home, that I'm not seeing how old or hurt she's getting. That it's visually noticeable that she is an old cat that is getting sick. And I just visually don't see it. The way you just don't really smell what your house smells like? And then you leave for like a week and come back and it's just like... whoa. I get that especially bad due to my frequent periods of a severe lack of executive function. Yet another insecurity! Yay!

The one piece from the day that I didn't get to was that I started filling out an application thing for Betterhelp. I'm going to give it a try. I got to the part where you put in your credit card and just put it off for the night. Mr. Moon was streaming and I kinda just wanted to be around friends. Even if they aren't my friends. Just like, be in close proximity to the experience of being around friends. For old time's sake, I guess. I don't know. It's definitely an addiction of mine.

So... tomorrow I need to follow up with my mom and her call to the vet. I need to call the vet myself, to make sure the ointment is called in to the correct pharmacy. Maybe I can have her do that too? Either way. And I need to finish the thing for Betterhelp and get set up with someone to talk to. I have a pretty specific idea of what I need to figure out a plan with this time. I've done therapy more than anyone I know. I actually have a bit of a framework to work with now, to form a plan. The problem is... it's not simple at all. And it's a really long story to piece together to have it all make sense. Like... I need to work on this incommunicado-while-traumatized thing (which used to be complete silence and glares), which I deliberately evolved into what it is now: kinda entrapping people into empathy since it's what I need in that moment. I need to work on the hyperarousal/hypervigilance, get some good survival and quality of life techniques with that. And I need to figure out how to get a stable social network together when I'm such an unstable Libra. To help me stabilize, so that I can bring my stabilizing skills to full effect. Also in processing grief. Because that's still a thing and I'm scared I might have more coming before long.

I do not want to end on that note. I remember not long ago I was saying I wanted to balance out the feeling of sadness and wanting to cry. I don't even know what to say, it's that "planned stream of consciousness" thing all over again. I wanted to say something nice about Max's life. I give her vanilla ice cream sometimes, like her dog-sister before her. Because it's just cream... and I mean, the sugar probably isn't great but it isn't gonna kill her.

Okay, so I just looked up hyperthyroidism. I was ready for it to be like a doom-WebMD kinda thing. It really wasn't that bad. I mean, radiation therapy is scary, and her needing to be hospitalized for that for like 2 weeks? I mean... there's gotta be a better way than that. And this woman was suggesting an ointment or pills? I'm guessing the pills would be methimazole, but I went with the ointment... You know... I --- okay, I'm just gonna calm my brain down a bit. Again, I was planning on saying that it wasn't that bad. Treatments can lead to full remission. It said on the page - old age is not a disease. It helped. She deserves a shot. And she's not that old. She's old and had a long youthful life where the average age for this thing is like 12, she's 16 so she's actually on the later side with it. But I'm... yeah, I have no idea how much time she has left, not even a ballpark. I just really hope she has more. And I want to give her as much as I can. Without making her life a living hell in order to do so. So I'm going to pay close attention to that. There's also a dietary method to treating it, which means no treats... but it can completely reverse it too through iodine so... maybe it's worth a chat since I'm overhauling her diet anyway?

I'll shoot my mom a text about the pharmacy mistake and then I really should get to bed. If I can. It's 7 AM. I'm a bit freaked out. But I am tired. So... yeah.

Wasn't expecting a big life-change dump like this today. I know I was expecting the lab results and anticipated them coming back positive, but... not this quick. So... yeah... one day at a time. Really could use some friends to like... get over whatever stupid grudges they have with me over petty shit and just like... be nice to me. Because I'm scared, and overwhelmed, and could really just use some kindness and maybe someone to be really nice and playful and sweet with her before her time runs out. Would be nice. I think she's earned it.

[bulgariansumo]

Galactimato Big Brother Week 2

<<Week 1 | Week 3 >

In the first episode, Emil succeeded his first mission of getting Aiden nominated, but when it came to eliminating his own brother, he was simply outnumbered! How will he explain this betrayal?

--

"It was actually easier than I thought it'd be?" Emil recounted. "I meeean, we're pretty well off already--I don't even know if I'm gonna keep the money I win--and Aiden doesn't really have a steady place to live, sooo, I told Lorie I was thinkin' of that. He seemed to buy it."

--

Week 2 has officially begun with 1 down and 13 remaining!

I made a couple of custom pictures for this week, and since tumblr only allows 10 images per post now, I'm going to describe some of the events in text, like now!

Week 2's HoH contest kicks off with a game of Majority Rules!

In this game, the Houseguests stand in individual booths in the backyard. Benji Baker will ask a question and they must answer it the way they think the rest of the house will respond. Those who answer with the majority advance to the next round; those who don't are eliminated. The last Houseguest remaining becomes the new Head of Household.

Toni wins Head of Household! And now for the nomination ceremony.

--

"Hey Toni, you're a sweet kid, so I know this choice might be rough on ya," Benji reassured, "but don't think too hard about it. Just pick whoever!"

"Oh no, I know exactly who to pick." Toni smiled.

"Oho~ Why don't'cha tell us, then?"

"Okay!" Toni hovered a finger at the crowd. "I pick you," he stopped on Mia, "annnd you!" with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, he pointed at his brother.

"WHAT?" Maxy exploded. "What gives??"

"You ate my chocolate bar!"

"It didn't have your name on it! ...After I took the wrapper off." he admitted.

--

Just as one brotherly conflict resolved, another began! Yet one question still remained...

--

"Why Miaaa?" Roxie hugged the freckled nominee.

Toni folded his hands behind his back. "I don't not like her... but she won against me in the cutest freckles contest!"

"The what?" Higgy quirked an eyebrow.

"A tally chart posted in the kitchen earlier this week." explained Jun. "It's also rigged. I never voted, yet there's 13 tallies."

"Whoa, huh??" reacted Emil.

"I couldn't choose, so I never voted either!" Roxie chimed in.

"Until now, I didn't know it even existed." Higgy folded his arms. "Who set it up, anyway?"

Angelo made eye-contact with Emil. "I th-thought I saw..."

"Who did you see, Angie?" Leon asked his brother.

With all eyes on him, he lost confidence. "No one... Nevermind."

"Should I pick someone else?" wondered Toni.

"Sorry kiddo, no do-overs!" Benji cut in. "On with the show!"

--

The second veto challenge begins. Toni, as HoH, and Maxy and Mia, as nominees, compete along with Angelo, Nicky, and Mai, who were also selected to play.

Cutthroat Christmas is the name of the game, a Christmas-themed curling competition where the player whose puck is furthest from the center gets eliminated. Eliminated contestants get to choose a prize, including the Power of Veto, but it can be taken by the next contestant who gets eliminated. Whoever holds the PoV at the end of the game wins it.

Maxy won the Power of Veto, but Mai would like to have it on record that she won the actual curling challenge, despite not taking the PoV for herself.

--

"I'm gonna use the veto on myself!" Maxy didn't wait for the Veto Ceremony to properly begin.

Benji chuckled. "Love the enthusiasm, but you gotta state why you need to be saved first."

"Does it matter if he has the veto?" asked Mia.

"...I guess you're right!" The host shrugged.

Maxy stuck his tongue out at Toni and walked back to the rest.

"You got someone lined up?" asked Benji.

Toni's eyes darted around the floor. "Um, Leon?"

"Me?" He pointed to himself. "Why?"

"Angelo told me about the time you made him give up his arcade tickets. It's not nice!"

"T-Toni? I-I-I didn't mean--!" Angelo sputtered. "That was years ago!"

"Ohhh!" Leon remembered. "Are you still mad about that?"

"What? I-I could never--! Toni, please! I-I don't want him to go!"

"Oh. Sorry." Toni looked pitiful. "Can I pick someone else?"

"Nope!" answered Benji.

--

Through many misunderstandings along the way, the final stage for Week 2 was set! Another star will fall from the Celestion-5 crew. The question is, will America keep its sights on Mia, or will Leon be the new target? Stick around for the voting to find out!

The votes have been cast, and America kept true to its original target. What do the houseguests have to say about their decisions?

--

"I-I'm sorry it ended up this way." Angelo couldn't bring himself to look at the camera. "Th-This is all my fault, but I need Big Brother to know I'd never betray him."

"Leon's easy to impress." was Mai's reasoning. "He's a better audience."

Higgy gazed disdainfully to his side. "He lacks rhythm. Even Maxy has that much going on."

Lorenzo sat prim and proper. "Summers has passion for the Interstellar Forces, but Wattson abides by rules more consistently."

The video feed cut from the other contestants' interview rooms back to the front of the house where the host stood.

"You know what time it is!" Benji pointed at the camera. "Time to check in on Emil! How ya doin'?"

Emil exhaled, sitting in his own interview room. "Ange nearly got me back there."

"Ha ha ha! Sharp eyes on that kid. How ya feel about the votes?"

"Sorry Mia," He lowered his head, "but it's what America wanted."

"Another thing." Benji pursed his face. "For someone claimin' to not need money, why are you playin' along?"

"I don't wanna ruin the show!" Emil laughed.

"C'mon, is that it?"

"Wellll. There's a chance I miiight need a new place to stay soon." He lost his smile. "But that's all I can say."

"If ya win the house, you'll have that all set!" Benji explained. "Good luck, kid!"

"Thanks!" Emil winked at the camera. "Catch ya later!"

--

The whims of America have been delivered by Emil's hand. Mia Wattson is a houseguest no more. What does she have to say about this?

--

"I can't really think of anyone I would've won against." Mia shrugged.

"Aww, that's a shame." Benji frowned. "What are your plans now?"

"I can probably get more reading in with less people around."

"Hey!" Benji gave her a hearty slap on the back that nearly knocked her over. "Atta girl, that's the spirit!" He pointed to something off camera. "There's also some people who wanna say goodbye! Last one walked off before anyone could."

Roxie slammed into Mia for a hug. "I'll miss you, Mia!!"

Mia attempted to choke out a thanks.

Leon waved. "If I wasn't also nominated, I probably would've voted to keep you in."

"Thanks."

Toni stepped up shyly, bowing toward Mia. "Just so you know, I voted for you on the freckles thing."

"Really?" She seemed surprised. "You didn't have to."

"I really think yours are cuter! Anyway, I'm sorry for picking you. "He bowed to Leon. "You too."

"No big deal!" Leon smiled. "You were just looking out for Angie!"

"I made him really sad, though..."

"Knowing him, he'll forgive you." He reassured. "Just like forgave me! I still kinda owe him for the ticket thing... Thanks for the reminder!"

"Toni," Higgy called, "it's time for dance rehearsal."

"I'll be there!" Toni bowed to everyone. "Sorry, but I have to go. Bye bye, Mia!"

"Good luck, Toni." She smiled. "I voted for you too."