#And also will likely take ages and have a bunch of ramifications

[gaymelie]

Awww i got blocked I think that means i won the argument. I don't think they had a good comeback for "bruh I never even argued with your opinion i just said your information is wrong" and yet somehow they assumed i was the idiot here. Like is it so hard to make your point with correct information?

[faillen]

.

[im-a-hoping-beetch]

Many people genuinely get confused when we, native people, get uncomfortable when Katara, a native character, is reduced to a mom and her canon relationships with characters are put down in favour for a boy who lived in a society that benefitted from her oppression, antagonised her and her friends for most of the series and was even racist at times. But because he's hot and had an episode with katara, everything should be forgiven, because god forbid a native girl gets with anyone who isn't from a group of people who aided the genocide of her people. God forbid two characters who experienced genocide have a relationship and connect over this shared trauma, in favour for boy who also has mom trauma

Look, while I can understand your feelings of discomfort towards the ship, I’d still like to put certain things into perspective.

Now, I don’t really know what you meant by her being “reduced” to a mom. Do you mean that her relationship with Zuko would confine her to such a role? Which, by the way, is absolutely laughable, since one of the main reasons why so many ppl ship these two is bcz unlike every member of the gaang (aside from Suki), Zuko is the only one with who she doesn’t have to act like a surrogate mother. Katara is allowed to be angry and be vulnerable with him. All things that we rarely see her be able to do with the rest of the bunch, let alone her own brother.

Actually, one of the main appeal of the two is bcz, both have the same level of of maturity and similar way of interacting with the members of the gaang. Which is why so many ppl label the two as “parents of the group”.

But, if you’re talking about how, we zutarians usually talk abt the intricacies that come with her being a motherly person, I’ve got some news for ya. Most of us, usually, never fail to highlight how much of a tragedy, her being pushed into a role of adulthood at such a young age is. Also, on how, ironically, her canonical partner (Aang) has never really helped with that phenomenon, actually he perpetuated it even further.

Besides, wanna talk abt canon relationships being put down for a boy, well, look no further than canon itself, anon. I’m guessing that you’ve probably read this post, due to the phrasing at the beginning of your ask. One thing I specifically touched on, was how much of Katara’s existence seems to revolve around Aang, the biggest example being, the comics. In them, we do see the creators ready to strain Katara’s established relationships with the gaang (aside from her brother) in order to shove kataang down our throats. Cuz if you think abt it, Toph and Katara’s interactions are heavily reduced, let alone meaningful ones and do not even get me started on Zuko or Suki.

Yes, Zuko lived in a society that benefited from her oppression. He has antagonized her and her friends. But Zuko is also made to recognize the harm his actions have caused. Additionally, at no point is he not faced with the consequences of what he has done towards the gaang. Every single member gets to express anger or/and resentment over what he’s done in the past, Katara is no exception. Actually, she’s the one who’s given the most leeway in terms of doing so. Even for things he had no control over such as her mother’s death and the fire nation raids. However, instead of whining about how he’s not responsible for all of this taking place, something he could’ve easily done, he makes it up to her. He helps her seek justice for her mother while her canonical future boyfriend is out here reducing her righteous anger to blindsided revenge.

I don’t know what you mean by “Because He’s hot and had an episode with her, everything should be forgiven.” To me, that last part owed to make me scratch all the dandruff off my braids. Language is a powerful tool, but often than not, people don’t really know how to use it nor seem to understand the ramifications of their use. When you say “everything should be forgiven”, you are framing forgiveness as something passive, when, here, it is active. Someone does the action of forgiving Zuko, Katara does. Katara forgives him, because he earned it.

Right now, I’m assuming that you thought you were in defence of Katara, but the truth is that you are actually perpetuating an habit that many have had when it comes to the Southern Raiders. Which is to perpetually strip any agency Katara has in an episode literally centered around her character!?!

Nobody forbid anyone from anything. If people don’t feel comfortable shipping these two, so be it. However, to act as if Zuko hasn’t actively fought against the system that has led to those atrocities being done or like he hasn’t used his position of power in order to make actual change or/and retributions, is simply disingenuous.

Aang and Katara did have a relationship, but have never connected over their shared trauma. More specifically, Aang failed to connect over their shared trauma, when he should have and instead used as a way to silence hers. @sokkastyles makes a very good point about it in this post.

[mixelation]

Okay I got to the ~controversial~ part that people usually cite when they talk about not liking Minato. Here's a summary + some thoughts

so, obito has run off after leaving minato with an ominous threat ("I shall rule this world..."). minato teleports the kyuubi away from konoha. he also grabs kushina and naruto. it's unclear to me what his plan is at this point-- idk if he just needs kushina or if he's already planning to make naruto the new jinchuriki at this point.

kushina says she will take the nine tails with her "to her death." usually when people cite this they say she means she'll seal it back inside her and then die, but unless the viz translation misses something, she doesn't explicitly say this. (the line before it is "i can still do it" and it's unclear what she means-- she says it as she's restraining the kyuubi though.) note that if she does this, the kyuubi WILL eventually reappear

i wanted to include the panels for minato's facial expressions. he looks extremely upset by the idea of kushina sacrificing herself, even crying. then we see an abrupt shift to a less emotional expression as he explains his plan to her

his plan i think is what turns people off, because it's sort of..... very weird how he frames it?

basically, he says instead of kushina dying, he can seal the last of her chakra into naruto so she can see naruto grown up. note he's not just making this up out of nowhere-- she just said not being able to see this is her biggest regret. he also says that by using the reaper death seal, he can permanently seal away half the kyuubi, and that by making naruto the new jinchuriki, he'll preserve he "balance of bijuu." he also says some things about jiraiya's prophecy about a chosen one and believing in naruto, and also he's concerned about the masked man "bringing catastrophe" to the world.

kushina, of course, yells at him because she'd rather die with her regret and have naruto grow up with a father. this is minato's answer:

there's a bunch of things about this i don't like either. first, i don't like how it's framed. i don't mind the facial expression shift-- i don't mind minato being able to school his emotions in order to Get The Job Done. but i don't like how kushina is kneeling while minato stands and literally talks down to her. it might be a translation thing affecting teh tone, but i haaaate the way he tells her she should understand as someone who's lost her country. he does eventually kneel, to be eye level with her, but i wish he'd done it before giving her this speech.

i also mostly just don't understand his reasoning as stated LMAO. i think part of it was kishimoto had to write something that matched up with previously established details (some of which he wrotet ages ago and maybe hadn't fully planned out yet), while also making minato seem cool. part of it might be that the viz translation seems pretty clunky? although i remember whatever fan translation i read years ago ALSO not making sense. so here's my best faith interpretation of kushina vs minato's plans.

Kushina's plan: She dies and temporarily kills the Kyuubi.

PROS: Kushina is going to die anyway, so she might as well take out the raging chakra monster when she does it. Minato lives and can raise Naruto.

CONS: Does not address Obito's threat. Konoha loses the Kyuubi as a tool/weapon. It's unclear what the ramifications of the Kyuubi re-emerging eventually will be-- could end with Konoha just being attacked again.

Minato's plan: He sacrifices himself to the Reaper Death Seal, permanently sealing away half the Kyuubi. He puts the other half of the Kyuubi and the rest of Kushina's chakra in Naruto.

PROS: Konoha keeps control of the Kyuubi (keeps it as a weapon, prevents potential disaster when it reappears, gives Naruto a tool/weapon to use against Obito when he reappears). Kushina gets to see grown up Naruto. I do not know what he means by Kushina teaching Naruto a lesson only a mom can, but maybe he means only Kushina can help him with Kyuubi stuff?

CONS: Naruto is now an orphan. Konoha loses their leader.

OTHER TALKING POINT: Minato seems genuinely convinced Obito is a world-ruining force. IDK how, but he is right.

ANOTHER NOTE: Minato says the "full" Kyuubi can't be sealed away. I don't really know what this means because clearly Mito accomplished this, and somehow it got in Kushina (and Kushina seem confident se can temporarily kill the Kyuubi). Maybe he means under the current conditions he can't do it, like maybe baby Naruto can't hold the full Kyuubi or Minato can't do the sealing jutsu for some reason (time, chakra, skill, etc). The Reaper Death Seal was def needed to seal half the Kyuubi away forever, but it's unclear if he needed it to put the Kyuubi in Naruto at all. I think tis last part pisses some people off, because you can read this like Minato maybe had the option to put the full Kyuubi in Naruto and not use the reaper death seal at all. However that reading doesn't make a lick of sense, so I don't think that's what's going on.

YET ANOTHER POINT: This is headcanon-y, but the Kumo ambassador that kidnapped Hinata when she was three was there as part of peace treat negotiations at the end of an unspecified war. I've chosen to interpret this as the end of the Third Shinobi War. This means that the village is actively at war, which would probably contribute to Minato's reasoning for why keeping the Kyuubi is so important. The one-shot manga showed jinchuriki as powerful weapons of war; loosing theirs would be a huge detriment to Konoha. I think what he means when he starts talking about duty to a village/nation is basically: I need to keep Konoha strong as my duty both as a shinobi and as a father, so Naruto has a safe place to grow up.

AND FINALLY: I think "Kushina gets to see Naruto" is a bonus of Minato's plan, not like... the basis for his decision-making, like some people claim.

Even if his logic makes very little sense and I had to squint real hard to squeeze a coherent argument out of it, it is pretty clear Minato thinks this is the best outcome for Naruto. I know it sounds bizarre when Kushina's plan is "Naruto has a dad." However-- and again, this is best faith reasoning, but also the only way I think his argument makes sense-- Naruto needs an overall stable/safe village to grow up in. Minato has fought in war; I think this would affect his reasoning. He doesn't want Naruto to grow up like that.

Also, Kushina agrees with him and starts bantering as they both die impaled on the Kyuubi's claw, which is cute.

Also apparently these rando ninja think they saved a random baby. This is why no one knows Naruto's parents.... they're dumb........

[why-animals-do-the-thing]

How do you go about finding any particular exotic animal facility's accreditation? Aside from the most basic "check the company's website for AZA or other logos", is there anything a layman can do to find that info? And what if a place just... doesn't have any accreditation at all? What are the ramifications of that?

All of the accrediting groups have lists on their websites, so use those. The main groups in the USA are:

The Association of Zoos and Aquariums

The Zoological Association of America

The Alliance of Marine Mammal Parks and Aquariums

The Global Federation of Animal Sanctuaries

American Humane’s Human Conservation Certification

There’s also the American Sanctuary Association but their standards are so minimal as to be irrelevant in this day and age.

Facilities may be unaccredited for a bunch of reasons, and it’s never a sign to me to discard them completely. Instead I go in with a lot of critical thinking (and ask why if I can). They may not fit the standards yet for existing groups - like they may be working up to ZAA or AZA accreditation, but those can take a while. They might also be brand new, as you can’t really accredit a facility before it’s operational. Another example: they might be an facility that’s been taken over by non-industry management that doesn’t quite grok yet why accreditation is valuable.

So no accreditation basically means that to get a sense of what a facility is and what the ethics and politics of the management are, you’re going to have to do a lot more legwork. Accreditation gives a nice cheat-sheet for people to start from.

[dragoneyes618]

Who do you think the main aks and vks would be friends with? Outside of their regular friends (i.e the sea 3 and core four and Hero 6) ? And why?

So, besides for their immediate group of obvious friends:

Mal: Jane, since they're both half fairy.

Jay: His cousin Jade. Aziz, the son of Aladdin and Jasmine, much to everyone's surprise, most of all their own. Jordan. Lonnie, of course.

Carlos: Doug, since they're both smart, bookish, and usually underestimated. Claudine Frollo, since they both have....difficult parents, and would help each other out. His cousins, Diego, Ivy, and Hunter de Vil, the latter two whom I like to pretend exist in the Descendants universe. Harry and Jace Badun, not that they have anything in common, but they all got shoved together all the time during childhood that they ended up just getting along with each other regardless.

Evie: Dizzy, of course, since they both share a love of fashion. Audrey, surprisingly, once Audrey realizes that VKs aren't so bad and the whole Queen of Mean episode is over with and she's changed from that. Jane?

Uma: Harriet Hook, as Harriet is a fellow pirate captain whom she is allied with, what with Harry being her first mate. (Harriet is also her future sister-in-law, not that Uma nor Harry will admit it, although CJ takes great pleasure in loudly announcing it.) Ben, at some point after D3 - Uma is a young ruler too, in a way, she has her pirate crew, and both of them are under great stress. Ben wasn't trapped with villains under a barrier, though.

Harry: I think it said somewhere that Harry and Gil used to be friends with Jay? Also Lonnie, because anyone who can beat him at swordfighting earns his respect. His sisters, not that any of them will admit it. The rest of the crew.

Gil: He used to be friends with Jay like Harry? Ben, actually, since Ben decides to set a personal example for "don't judge the children for what their parents did." Also people like Dizzy and Jane and Evie....basically anyone who's cheerful or optimistic or hopeful like he is.

Celia: Her sister Freddie, Uma (who depending on what headcanon you believe may also be her sister), CJ Hook, since she's friends with her sister, and, my headcanon, Tiana's daughter at Auradon Prep who's just about Celia's age. (Tina? Tanya? Evangeline? They got assigned to work together on a science project. The teacher assigned them randomly and didn't think about the possible ramifications. Fortunately, to everyone's surprise including their own, once they got past the whole "My dad turned your dad into a frog. My mom sent you dad to the other side," thing, they got along pretty well.

Dizzy: Jane, Audrey, Lonnie, and in fact any girl ever who comes to her to have her hair and nails done and/or fashion advice, which Dizzy, despite the fact that she's younger than most of them, knows a lot about. Also her cousin Anthony.

Squeaky and Squirmy: Their older brother Sammy, plus all three of the Hooks. CJ sees them as little brothers.

Ben: Everyone. Really. He's Ben. He's friends with everyone.

Lonnie: Jane, well, she tried to be friends with Audrey, but then Audrey went and became the Queen of Mean, and actually also Uma.

Chad: Audrey, of course. And Ben. They were pretty good friends, after all, or at least they used to be.... 

Doug: Carlos. His brother and cousins. Hey - Doug and Carlos can bond over being the smart kids with a bunch of cousins!

Audrey: Chad. Ben. Well, she used to be friends with Ben, but then he met Mal and it all went downhill from there. Once Audrey and Mal, post-D3, have a long honest discussion, they have....well, perhaps not friendship, but an understanding. Dizzy, actually - she may be a VK, but her knowledge of fashion and beauty is to rival any princess's, and Audrey's never one to turn down a free makeover.

Jane: Mal, as they're both half fae. Lonnie, sometimes, although as Jane is so insecure and Lonnie is definitely not, sometimes being around her makes Jane even more insecure as she wonders what she's missing.

[giftedsupport]

When you take an iq test can you use pen and paper? Is there any reliable free iq tests on the internet?

The real IQ test is generally given on paper, so yes, you use paper. I don't know how much you'd need it, considering I took the IQ test at the age of 8, and it didn't feel like a lot of standardized tests, like, I don't remember solving a bunch of math problems or anything. I mostly remember logic and other kinds of reasoning. But yeah, you get paper.

There are lots of free online IQ tests with varying levels of accuracy. How accurate are any of them? Noooo idea. How accurate is the REAL IQ test? Well, psychologists have been debating that ever since the test was invented. What is intelligence?? Also been debated since forever. Anyway, you can google it and find lots of intelligence/IQ tests online, but their reliability is going to be in the range from extremely suspect to a bit suspect.

If the question you're really asking is, "How can I know if I actually qualify as gifted? Can I actually call myself gifted?" I'm afraid that's an even bigger kettle of fish. Because if we don't even know what counts as intelligence, what does it mean to be gifted? Some people define it as "asynchronous development," which means that in some areas you are ahead of your peers developmentally, and in some areas you are behind. IQ test wouldn't necessarily be great at identifying that. There are plenty of people who are gifted in various areas who get missed by the school system, which is the major institution (besides like, Mensa) that does "official" determination of giftedness. If you're not in a situation to be tested by a school system... I think the questions to consider are:

What do *I* consider "giftedness" to mean?

What does it mean if I *am* gifted? What are the ramifications of that?

Do I identify with a lot of "gifted" traits? Would it be helpful to me to self-identify as gifted?

[kittyandbaggy]

Tw: suicidal ideation mention

I'm sorry this is so long...I'm letting out some personal shit.

I just read this post about a man who was chatting with a sub who he was friendly with and was really starting to like her, but she was married. The advice was to end it because he was so attracted to her, but she was married and it would break her heart to find out that he was only friends because he wanted sex from her.

It really got me thinking about friends. 95% of my friends used to be male because women had always been so catty and terrible to me, so difficult to understand and see their intentions, so hurtful with their insults. They knew how to go for the kill, could find your darkest weakness with a word. Those girls hurt me however they could...and I was already hurting, already suicidal at 10 years old. I wanted to die and had barely started living, but I was being abused at home and horribly teased at school. Death was the only way out for me from where I stood.

When I did have a couple of female friends at the end of high school, I found out just before graduating that they had been making fun of me (about my body and things I was very insecure about) behind my back probably the entire time. Not exactly bolstering for female friendships... not exactly doing anything good for my already-flagging self-esteem. My family had been calling me fat for quite some time now and regularly commenting on my body. My dad was also being fucking weird about my body and making me uncomfortable and that certainly wasn't helping. I'm working through that minefield lately....

But I also found out not long after graduating that some of my male friends (I can easily guess who....) had been spreading rumors around school that I had been fucking all of them. This was absolutely not true (I never did anything with any of them and they all fucking knew that.) Super unfortunately, I had to find this out from someone I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW. Take a moment to think about how psychologically mind-fucking that was for me. There's a whole lot to unpack there.

Fortunately, I didn't give a fuck at the point I learned this because I had recently met and had just started dating @baggyandkitty and had already stopped all contact with everyone right after graduation and there WAS NO SOCIAL MEDIA back in 2000. I was done. I remember not even wanting to go to the ceremony. I just wanted it to be over so I could finally start living my life. There was a lot to look forward to and a lot to look away from in the past...a LOT to heal from.

Only now at the age of 38 do I think about the psychological ramifications of finding out those things. I'm amazed today that I like my body and self at all, for all the terrible things that have been said about them.

I suppose what makes me want to write this post is the guys who were my friends. Some of them I thought were good friends. We ate lunch together. We hung out at each other's houses. We were in all kinds of activities outside of school together. I spent a large portion of my time with these guys...to find out the only reason they spent time with me is because they wanted to fuck me.

I guess if you're a male chauvenist who is bros with the patriarchy, then you are probably thinking to yourself "BuT Kitty, YoU'rE jUsT a sLiT tO bE fUcKeD aNd ThAt iS aLL yOu eXiSt fOr, YoU dUmB cUnT." Okay, well....

What I have to say to you is this: You should be ashamed of yourself and I really challenge you to think about how your mother would feel if you said those things about her and said those things to her face, or if someone else said those things about your mother. Idk if a bunch of you have mommy issues or what, but it's not okay to make a woman feel this way.

I like to be objectified and degraded by my Dom, spouse, and partner. It's not okay to do this to someone outside of a consensual and contracted arrangement that is part of my desires.

*If you ever speak to a woman this way or treat a woman this way from this day on, may your penis never find warmth and moisture, and may it dry out more than the Sahara desert, that it may disintegrate before your very eyes along with the shallow shell of your fragile masculinity.*🧿💫💫💫💫💫💫💫❤❤❤❤💫💫💫💫💫💫💫

Sorry, I had to do that.

Anyway, please don't treat people this way and for the love of gods think about how you treat people. Some people are already going through a hard time and you're just setting them farther back by doing shit like this. Also, you're just asking for a special kind of karma by doing shit like this.

Fuck you to every guy that ever treated me this way. I honestly hope you die old, dried up, and alone if this is what you think a woman deserves. (Tyler, you're a piece of shit for giving me dog bones. I hope your wives all leave you and take everything.) Sorry guys, I guess I am bitter today...

If I had my choice, I would have been born with a dick okay? I hate being treated this way. I have to live with the knowledge that if I had a dick, I probably wouldn't have been abused to the degree I was as a kid, probably wouldn't have been undercut and shamed and humiliated by my teachers in school, probably wouldn't have been held back in my career as I have. I'm already suffering. You really don't have to do anything else. I guess I already know "i'M a DuMb SliT OnLy GoOd FoR fUcKiNg..." I already get to feel it every day from you when you stare too long at the grocery store. I can feel it even when I can't see you. You don't have to do anything else. We really just want to be able to exist without having to worry about whether or not you're going to act like a psychopath or just sit there and drool like one.

Anyway....*cleansing fucking breaths...*

To the good ones, the sweet Doms out there who cherish their subs, to the sensitive boyfriends who love and respect their partners, to the doting husbands who truly love their wives and value them as equal life partners, thank you from the bottom of my heart. To the true male friends I've had, thank you and please continue.

My only solace is that I count on being able to get out of a jam with my vagina if it comes down to it and I can reasonably assume that most virile, straight men would probably hit it (twice) if given the chance. I just operate knowing this now and try to forget that I ever knew in the first place and try not to think about it. And try not to be uncomfortable...

TBH, I have come to the point that if anything ever happens to @baggyandkitty, I will not be seeking applicants to fill the role. I have to live with the knowledge that I will likely never trust a man (or maybe even a person?) as I trust him ever again. I guess, thinking back now, it's a fucking miracle I trust him in the first place....

Please don't be shitty to people. Don't be friends with people for shitty reasons. If you do this to people, you deserve whatever it is you get in return.

Stay safe and sane, people. ❤

- Kitty 💋

[possibilistfanfiction]

on a related note, where do you think pinoe fits into the conversation? i’ve read a bunch of criticism surprisingly from uswnt fans who claim her activism work/increased focus on work off the pitch is part of the reason behind her poor performances lately, i can’t help but feel like it’s just another excuse for them to pretend football exists in a bubble especially after 2020 (like you mentioned). appreciate all your commentary on this topic so far, it’s refreshing to hear someone actually discussing last year’s ramifications on the teams cohesiveness

to me that seems silly bc lots of athletes are wonderful players/athletes while being very active politically. an easy example is basically the entire wnba lol, especially when you consider so many of the wnba players are Black women & nb ppl who spent 2020 & 2021 being extremely active & outspoken; still undoubtedly the best players in the world. on the uswnt, cp is not as abrasively (not in a bad way, just stylistically lol) outspoken or active as pinoe, but thru re-inc & just her personal politic it’s very clear where she stands. there are ofc lots of other examples but those are top of mind for me.

on the flip side, players like kelley didn’t play well at all & are politically … on the wrong side of things, to put it mildly. so in my mind that performance, while i love to believe in the ramifications of energy lol, also has rly nothing to do with her beliefs & expression of them.

beyond that, everything is political. existing “apolitically” or “just being an athlete” is also a political stance, usually rooted in blatant anti-Blackness (which of course stems out into anti-fat, anti-disabled, anti-poor, etc politic)

i do think some of the poor play is probably just age & preparation, & also, tbh, a lack of tactics for YEARS. cp has excelled so much bc she’s always been a tactical player — she’s incredibly fast & smart off the ball, very skilled in tight, quick spaces: she reads the game well & reacts accordingly. pinoe has been playing a pretty typical uswnt style for a decade — e.g., out-muscle the other team, run faster, etc. tbh even in 2019 wc lots of goals she scored were set pieces/penalties, not in the run of play. i think she should have retired.

i will say that there is a mental & emotional toll that being hyperactive in politics can take. i think pinoe’s politics aren’t actually left or radical at all, so she’s not doing any particularly meaningful organizing for actual liberation or safety imo, & instead investing in american systems that will always encourage imperialism & violence (like electoral politics, voting, etc). it’s just so telling to me that a lot of ppl who don’t like her think she’s on the left like lmfao y’all have never talked to an actual radical but ok. pinoe has whiteness & intense class privilege, she’s thin, cis, & (as far as we know) able-bodied. so while it can absolutely be exhausting to engage in activism, she has so much privilege that it’s essentially impossible to blame poor play on anything but like … athletic ability? or smth like that

i do think it is also pretty clear that cp, for example, works hard to have a balanced life. sport clearly matters to her, but it seems like she has a lot of other things going on that she genuinely finds immense joy & peace in.

& at the end of the day (HOT take) if being politically active, albeit almost painfully neoliberal, means that a privileged white player doesn’t play as well… sport doesn’t rly matter? like it’s fun & it impacts things but the uswnt winning a gold medal (or not) isn’t going to help end climate change, or extend eviction moratoriums, or abolish all carceral systems & ideology in mental & physical health/education/police, prisons, etc, or give land back to indigenous people, etc etc etc. there is nothing abt sport that is rly going to get into the dirt of things & fundamentally make society livable for everyone — especially a team that is in service of the state!! (🥴🤪)

so anyway, yes i don’t think that her politic has anything to do with her performance, but IF it did, fine lol

[philomaela]

I recently read “The Viking Hostage” by Tracey Warr and it proved to be a breath of fresh air in my adventures of Viking Age historical fiction... mainly because this book was set in France and Wales rather than the usual stomping grounds of England or Iceland.

The story mainly concerns 3 women, Adalmode (daughter of the viscount of Limoges), Aina (heiress of Segur) and Sigrid (a pagan slave who serves Aina’s family). The story tracks their intertwined adventures, as they navigate the political struggles and harsh norms of the society they live in.

I’m not entirely sure whether to recommend this novel or not. I would say that I liked most of it, some of it I definitely found refreshing and unique compared to the other books I’ve read in this list so far. However I’m not sure if that means that everyone will enjoy it... perhaps I should say that it’s worth checking out?

Okay, onto the review which I will try to keep spoiler free:

So, I really enjoyed getting a historical fiction novel that explored medieval France, it was interesting reading about the power struggles of Aquitaine and Wales to a lesser extent and I actually enjoyed how much exposition there was about who was gaining power in what region, even when it sometimes felt somewhat unneeded for the plot at hand. It was just refreshing to hear about a bunch of dudes named Guillaume and Louis rather than a bunch of Athelstans lol. I also liked how the Welsh characters were humanized and given personalities, because I feel like in my reading... whenever I read stories that take place in England, the Welsh and the Scottish people... they’re almost treated like stock vikings are in other media? Like, these books are working so hard to make sure people know that these Vikings are well-rounded characters who don’t conform to the “stereotypical viking” and then they go and decide to be like... well here are these stock Welsh and Scottish villains (not even really villains since the focus is on them as a group rather than any individual) who have no personality and no voice in a lot of cases. So to have a book discuss Welsh politics and have our characters interact with Welsh characters in a relatively meaningful way was nice imo.

As far as the characters go, I really enjoyed Sigrid and Aina and their relationship. Sigrid is a completely original character so the author uses her to explore some really interesting details. Sigrid was made a slave at a point in time when Christians were discouraged from buying other Christians as slaves, so when she bought by Aina’s family, the family initially thinks that they can just convert her and free her that way, but Sigrid doesn’t want to give up her faith.

I also really liked the interplay of Sigrid and Aina’s personalities because Aina is portrayed as... I don’t want to say a selfish character, because I don’t think her desires are necessarily selfish, but she never thinks about the potential ramifications of her actions. This extends to actions that have negative ramifications for the people she loves and I think what’s interesting about it is that the story allows her to be uncompromising, but you never doubt how much she and Sigrid love each other and always want to be together and take care of each other.

Guy, Adalmode’s brother and Aina’s betrothed, is also an interesting character. He’s portrayed as very politically competent and intelligent, but he’s very nearsighted to the point where he struggles with every day tasks and especially things like swordfighting, which is expected of him as a future viscount. He goes through a lot of effort to try and hide his nearsightedness and compensate for it and prove that he’s  “worthy” in other ways.

Now, about the stuff that I didn’t like as much... notice how I haven’t talked about Adalmode yet? Yeah, I didn’t find her part of the story to be particularly satisfying. Her story is primarily about her romance with Audebert, the son of the count of La Marche, who she meets when he is first taken prisoner by her father. I was a little put off by the fact that they meet when Adalmode is twelve and Audebert is seventeen, and that it’s meant to spark this decade long love affair, but that didn’t even end up being my main issue with it. Like, I’ve read plenty of books where I’ve found the romance off-putting but I was still invested in the characters themselves, the problem was that the book didn’t seem entirely invested in Adalmode’s journey? I understand that she has a very internal journey, compared to Sigrid and Aina, but I think you still could have done more with her? As the story went on, she kind if disappears from the narrative, her chapters get smaller and it feels like we’re just watching her repeat over and over her how she feels about Audebert. It’s compounded by the fact that, we get a ton of PoV from Audebert and Guillaume, the future duke of Aquitaine, who takes up this sort of villainous rival role in the story, as a rival suitor for Adalmode’s hand. Guillaume and his mother, Emma of Blois, are portrayed as like so villainous and such caricatures that I was really tired of it because well... why are we hearing so much from them when we get so little from Adalmode? It felt very unbalanced and that threw me off a lot.

Also, just as a general critique, the story covers a lot of time and sometimes things get a bit blurry when we see whole years jump in the course of a single paragraph. 

I.... said I was hesitant to recommend this book and the funny thing is, my hesitation doesn’t actually come from the parts I disliked but from the parts I liked! I kept using the adjective “refreshing” when describing the parts I liked about this book and I think that kind of reveals a core issue, it’s refreshing because of all the books I’ve read previously, and I’m not entirely sure how it stands on its own? Thinking it over, I believe it’s a solid read, and you should check it out if you’re interested, it’s just... well keep in mind, you may not find it quite as exciting and enjoyable as I did lol.

[ronandonlyposts]

My Sonic OC, Ronic The Hedgehog. 

Art By The Amazing and Wonderful Trana-Draws! Please go check out her art on https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/tranadraws-art and https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/tranadraws I am always open to RP and can find me daily on Twitter and Discord. Feel free to add me, send me a message and introduce me to your OC!

Twitter: @DaRonAndOnly twitter.com/DaRonAndOnly Discord: TheRonAndOnly#6331 And also ask me and Ronic questions on CuriousCat: curiouscat.me/DaRonAndOnly

Name: Ronic

Nickname: The Blue Comet

Species: Hedgehog

Age: 18

Sex: Male

Sexuality: Straight

Height / Weight: 3’2” / 35kg  

Affiliation: Hero

Personality:

Ronic is the most kind hearted, selfless and friendliest hedgehog you’ll meet, always running around and helping others wherever he goes. Although a little naïve, Ronic is always willing to help out anyone he meets for no reward, be it rescuing them or being someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on.

A teenager with the mind of an 8 year old, Ronic is an enthusiastic, energetic, young at heart and a big kid. Always excited about something and always happy, people seem to believe he is never sad.

He is a fun, warm, thoughtful, compassionate and trustworthy individual that likes making new friends. Whomever he meets, he wants to get know and understand them. If they are going through any turmoil in their life, he tries his best to help them the best that he can. He always sees the good in people and the potential in them that they might not see in themselves.

As he has trouble remembering his past, Ronic instead lives for the here, now and for the future. He’s always looking ahead and racing down a brand new, unknown and uncertain path. This makes him very spontaneous and loves anything new, be that a new friend or finding a new place on his travels.

He seizes the day and enjoys every new moment like he has just been born.

But this also makes him very impulsive, reckless and foolish. Rushing head long into things without thinking them through. Always speaking his mind without thinking before he speaks, but that is only because he speaks from his heart.

His naivety goes hand in hand with his mild stupidity, leaving him very scatter-brained and sometimes forgetful. But just because he might not have a lot on his mind, it means that he’s a lot more open minded than others.

Ronic also wears a mask. Not a physical one but an emotional one. As previously mentioned, Ronic seems to be always happy and people believe he is never sad. But if you can get him alone, talk to him and asking the right questions to get him to open up, you’ll find that Ronic is actually hiding how scared, afraid, lonely and sad he truly feels.

He is scared and afraid of being on a brand new world he knows nothing about, knowing no-one on this world, having no-one to help him and of the pressure he feels knowing he has to take on an ancient evil that threatens to destroy the universe. How can the universe expect him to save it, when he doesn’t even know who he is?

Due to losing all of his memories when becoming Ronic, what hurts him in the most is that he doesn’t know who he really is. He doesn’t remember his planet or his family. He doesn’t know where he belongs, as he can no-longer remember where he originally came from. Backstory:

At the beginning of time and the birth of every universe, 3 constants were created that governed existence itself. Chaos, Destruction and Peace. They spread out throughout the blankness of space and became the building blocks to every world in every universe. Chaos created life, destruction created death and peace kept the balance between the two. On many worlds, evolution happened and civilizations rose and fell with these 3 constants ever present.

In the early years of the universe’s creation, the power of each constant grew as their influence spread throughout the universe.

They were given different names by different races and different cultures.

In one universe, an enormous battle took place between the three spirits. Chaos and Destruction fought for their dominion, whereas Peace understood that this universe needed both Destruction and Chaos to exist. 

Their battle ended with all three becoming severely weakened and were stripped of their incorporeal forms and became corporal.

The Spirit of Destruction took the form of a gigantic, demonic dragon and was imprisoned within the nearest planet of their battle, a planet called Nede.

The Spirit of Chaos crashed onto the Nede’s surface and fractured, its power splitting into 7 large Gem Stones and 1 larger Gem that would control the smaller 7. They would act as the keys to the lock that imprisoned Destruction and were kept on the furthest side of the planet, out of Destruction’s reach.

The Spirit of Peace also crashed landed on the planet’s surface, taking the form of a white, angelic anthropomorphic hedgehog with large wings.

The inhabitants of Nede, Nedians, found the injured Spirit of Peace lying on their planet’s surface, weakened from the fight.

The Spirit told them that the battle was not over and with time, Destruction would regain it’s strength and break free of his prison and threaten the universe once again. With Chaos now reduced to it’s new state, neither Chaos or Peace would be strong enough to stop him on their own.

The Spirit tasked the Nedians to form a society that would guard the temple of Destruction and create another temple to keep the Master Gem and 7 Gems of Chaos safe, bestowing on them this prophecy.

The prophecy was that when Destruction would re-awaken, a Nedian that embodies the strength and will to bring peace to everyone, would be chosen to become the vessel for the Spirit of Peace. With this, they would have enough power to use Chaos to fight and re-imprison Destruction.

The Spirit of Peace then went into a deep slumber, cocooning itself with a meteorite and flew off into the upper atmosphere of Nede. The Comet of Peace would remain circling the planet until the prophecy came true.

The Nedians gave the Spirits new names. Destruction became Hammon, Chaos became Ataxia and Peace remained.

The Guardians of the Temples of Hammon and Ataxia were given a special name. A name in our language would mean guardian, protector or more specifically, hero. But in Nedian, it was Ronic.

Each Ronic was gifted with a white scarf, whilst different races on the planet would have different colored scarfs. Hedgehog’s being black, birds being green, aquatic creatures being blue etc.

Eventually, the prophecy would come true and Hammon brought destruction across the planet as he awoke from his slumber, finally powerful enough to break free and continue it’s path of destruction.

A wave of destruction washed across the planet and all of Nede gathered at the last known safe space, the Temple of Ataxia.

As the wave grew closer and more powerful, the shield protecting The Temple of Ataxia was destroyed. Everyone feared for their lives. Except one.

One young enough and naïve enough to stand to a god of destruction and that always stood up to bullies. Rody stepped forward, arms out stretched to protect his family and his people.

As Hammon laughed and swung a strike to destroy the feeble creature that stood before him, the Comet of Peace finally came back down to Nede and engulfed Rody.

Rody was transformed and emerged as a taller, older and stronger hedgehog. His brown fur changed to a shiny and nice blue and his scarf from black to white. Rody had finally become a Ronic.

With the 7 Ataxia Gems and Master Ataxia Gem, Rody’s body transformed again to shining yellow and then a shining white, with what some would call angelic, glowing wings. And with the combined power of Ataxia and Peace, was able to save and restore Nede and weaken Hammon.

Unable to destroy him, Hammon was reduced to the form of a tall demonic, anthropomorphic dragon.

Not wanting to be beaten by the Spirit of Peace, Hammon used the Ataxia Gem’s power to open a dimensional rift. The rift sucked in the 7 Ataxia Gems into another dimension before jumping in after them, Hammon vowed that once he obtained the Ataxia Gems, he would not just destroy their universe, but every universe until his full power was restored.

The Spirit of Peace knew it had to leave this universe in order to travel to the other dimension to stop Hammon again. But for Rody, it would mean leaving Nede. Leaving his family.

Without Rody, the Spirit of Peace would still be too weak to fight Hammon. So, Rody agreed to help the Spirit. Not just to protect his family and planet, but every planet in the universe.

Sadly, this would come at a greater price. To make the transformation permanent, the Spirit of Peace would have to wipe Rody’s memories. Everything that made Rody who he was would remain, but he would have no re-collection of his past life. Rody sadly agreed and left Nede with the Spirit of Peace, becoming cocooned into a new comet, a Comet of Peace, to help travel through the universal rift.

On the other side of the dimensional rift was the universe containing Mobius and on one fateful day, a Blue Comet could be seen streaking across the planet’s sky before crashing onto its surface.

Emerging from said comet, a teenage looking blue hedgehog with a long fringe, white scarf, red and white boots and red and grey gloves took his first steps on a new planet.

Coming to the rescue of a bunch of Mobians under attack by Hell Hounds, a demonic large dragon / dog like creature, the scouts of Hammon’s demonic army he creates and controls, the blue hedgehog was asked his name. The blue hedgehog couldn’t remember his name. Only one word. A word that meant hero.

He spoke “Oh…I’m…I’m Ronic. Ronic The Hedgehog”. 

Meanwhile, Hammon had also arrived on this planet and being able to sense the 7 Ataxia Gems energy, began to search for them, for they were the key to storing him to his Perfect form.

Unbeknown to both Hammon and Ronic, the dimensional rift that Hammon had created would have ramifications for not just their universe and the universe containing Mobius, but all universes…

Motivation:

To save, protect and help everyone he can. To find the Ataxia Gems, regain his memories, defeat Hammon once and for all and hopefully one day get back to his original home world and his family.

Abilities: The fastest thing alive on his own planet, but not the fastest thing alive on Mobius, Ronic has been gifted with the ability to run at super speed. Except that when Ronic is life-threatening peril or needs to go Plus Ultra to finish a fight, he’ll tap into his ability to travel at the speed of light.

Disappearing in an instant, Ronic takes the form of a blue streak of light and then reappears in a blue flash of light and twinkling, small blue stars around him. He can use it to deal a knock out punch or to save someone from imminent doom.

Forms:

Using his own form of energy known as Ataxia and when in possession of all 7 Ataxia Gems, Ronic is able to transform into Super Ronic, similar to that of Super Sonic.

With the 7 Ataxia Gems and Master Ataxia Gem, he is able to become Angelic Ronic, changing colour into a pure white, with a powerful white aura surrounding him and taking the form of two, large, angelic wings on his back.

Weakness:

The problem being is that Ronic has no full control over this power. He can only tap into it if he or someone else he cares about is in danger.

And even when he does use it, he is physically weaker after using it. He pants, sweats, falls to his knees and even faints or passes out due to the amount of energy it took out of him. It takes him at least a few hours before he has enough energy to use it again.

In short, he is a glass cannon. He is not a fighter and would rather run rings around his enemies than face them in a straight up brawl. He can take a few good licks, but in the long run, he’ll be out for the count in a few powerful punches.

Extra:

He loves corn dogs and can play the acoustic guitar, but that’s a secret so don’t tell anyone, okay? 😉

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hey sorry for the long one I just kinda need to get this off my chest...

So I’m 17 and I’m in a psychology class rn and the teacher gave us a website with a list of tests for seeing if you had things like anger issues, adhd, anxiety, or even depression. He told us to choose two of the tests, take them and write one paragraph on wheather or not we thought the results were accurate. One of the tests I took was just labeled as a mental health assessment. It seemed vague enough that I figured nothing too crazy or specific would come up on the results. The other test was on adhd.

I took the adhd one because I’ve done a lot of research on it before and I kinda thought I might have it. The test showed the results on a scale of how bad your symptoms are. The scale went up by intervals of ten, 100 being the highest and meaning you have little to no symptoms, and the lowest being 10, meaning you have a lot of symptoms. I got ten. This one didn’t surprise me, the other test did.

The other test was much longer than I expected it to be, and at the end it showed a bunch of things it tested for and a percentage of how likely you are to have it along with all of the symptoms you do or do not have. My test showed that I likely had a panic disorder, severe depression, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. The panic disorder and depression really didn’t surprise me all that much... but the bipolar disorder and PTSD was not expected. I’d researched them before and I kinda thought I might have it but I always just brushed it off as me overreacting and convinced myself that it was just a shitty mix of anxiety and depression.

I still kinda thought that it might be an overreaction but everyone else in my class seemed to think that their tests were accurate, including one girl who did both the same tests as me. The teacher said that he’d also taken a few of the tests and he thought that they were accurate as well.

My teacher saw my results too. He didn’t really ask to look at them until after he’d already looked and even then it was less a “is it okay if I see your results” and more a “it’s okay that I looked at those right?” I really hadn’t wanted to show the results, but since he had already looked at them, I felt like telling him I didn’t want him to look at them would probably make it seem even more concerning than it was.

He asked me if something had happened, and said I didn’t have to say. Something had happened, and I didn’t want to say, but I was supposed to write a paragraph about my results anyway, plus I kinda panicked thinking that if I didn’t say anything then he might think I was being abused or something. So I explained that it was a just a bad panick attack and it had happened a while ago so it wasn’t that big of a deal. There are more details obviously, like the people who were there, and what those people did while I was having a panick attack, but it wasn’t really any of his business, and trying to talk about it made my hands shake so I didn’t mention any of that.

I talked about it with my friends a little while after it happened, and tried to make a joke out of it so that I wouldn’t freak out over whether or not he was gonna tell the school counselor or the principal, but one of my friends said that what he did was fucked up and that he had no right to look at my results or ask me about why I would have PTSD. I’m not entirely sure that I agree, I didn’t have to take that particular test, I chose to, and he did tell me that I didn’t have to tell him what happened... So it’s kinda my own fault? This all happened about a week ago, I’m still jumpy and part of me is still waiting for the school councilor to call me to the office and ask about my results, but it hasn’t happened yet so I guess he hasn’t said anything. Idk the whole situation just feels wrong and I needed to get it out. Thanks.

Hi Anon,

It’s very understandable that you’re still on edge about this whole situation.  It’s stressful and there were a lot of things that happened back to back that would each be something you needed to deal with.

First you took that mental health test that had surprising results.  Something to think about, for sure. 

Then you found out your teacher had read your results, when it sounds like there was an expectation of privacy.

At the same time as finding that out, he’s asking for your forgiveness about his transgression, instead of asking your permission in the first place.

And to top it off, he asks for even more personal information from you while you’re still dealing with everything else.

You didn’t do anything wrong by sharing with him in the moment.  You didn’t know what would be on that test, or what the results would be.  This was not your fault.  He may not have realized it, but he did pressure you and overstepped when he did that.  Because he is your teacher, he is automatically in a position of power over you and all the students.  He would have, ideally, been aware of this and thought twice before reading your results and asking you questions.  You’re right, it is truly none of his business.

Even though he technically gave you an opportunity to not answer, he had already put you in a position where you felt like you had to answer anyway.  You had legitimate concerns about the consequences of not answering.  His offer for you to not answer was an empty gesture at best, and manipulative at worst.  Again, he may not have realized he was doing this, but he should have known better.  

You were worried about what he would think and do based on your responses and no one can fault you for making the best decision you could to protect yourself in the moment.  

I watched a video that, for the life of me, I cannot find again right now (if anyone recognizes it, please link), but it was an older male teacher talking to a classroom about boundaries and abuse of power.  They were college-age students.  He had a volunteer and clearly told her in front of everyone that he was just going to go stand at the other end of the room and talk to her, and as he talked to her, he would walk forward.  He instructed that if she felt threatened at any time, to tell him to stop and he would, immediately.

He goes over to the far other side.  They signal that he will start walking, and he takes off speed-walking directly at her, and talking very loudly about chit-chat topics like the weather and how she’s doing.  He gets all the way up to her face and she never said to stop.  He stops so that he doesn’t run into her.

Everyone in the class is startled and laughing nervously.  He asks her, did you feel threatened?  She says, yes.  He asks her, why didn’t you tell me to stop?  

Basically, because he gave her the decision to protect herself, instead of taking the responsibility upon himself to actually act safe around her - and then set up the situation so that it was “implied” that he was respecting her boundaries because of his offer, she was made to feel like actually telling him to stop would be rude.  That feeling was only amplified by his offer, not lessened.  He was putting the responsibility on her to act, instead of choosing to behave appropriately himself.

People in positions of power often do not realize the effect that power has, or choose to remain ignorant of it.  They say things, like, “look - I gave you an opportunity to say no, you chose not to take it”, while ignoring all the ramifications of that choice.  They put the burden of choice on the people around them.  

So, if we give him the benefit of the doubt, he was only asking out of concern that you might currently be dealing with something and might have needed or wanted help.  His method was just poorly done.  You do not have to share information about your personal life that you aren’t comfortable with. 

The ability to Not Answer Questions is a useful one, but it takes practice because we are trained our whole lives to always answer adults and authority figures when they ask a question.  You could practice with some friends using interview questions - don’t answer them if the answer is private, or, if you’re not sure what answer is best, practice allowing yourself to pause and think before you decide on your answer.  The silence and pause can feel uncomfortable which is why we need practice to get used to it.

You didn’t do anything wrong by answering his questions and it could be that it was the right choice for you in this case.  He really caught you off-guard and that’s bound to happen sometimes.  But if you would like to prevent similar events from happening in the future, a little practice will go a long way.

-Miss Fay

[figuringouthowtobehere]

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood. 

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now. 

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it. 

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would. 

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

[not-iscariot]

This was really hard but if you’re interested in my reasoning then scroll below...

Favorite game of all time: Dragon Age Inquisition

For a lot of the answers I wanted to give Big Brain Answers, but thinking through all the games I’ve ever played... I don’t have the hours on any other game like I do this one. I have my own issues with the franchise and some of the decisions that get made but hot damn does a good RPG Fantasy series do it for me. I’ve never played another game that genuinely feels different and unique every playthrough, the world is so big and the ability to feel like a bunch of different versions of the Inquisitor are some of the reasons I find the game so fun to replay. I’ve played 3 games through to completion, 2 with the Trespasser DLC, and 1 where I played every DLC available. I’m currently on another playthrough right now... so based on my attachment and hour log I would say this is my favorite game of all time.

Best Story: Mass Effect 3

This was also really hard because there are a lot of games where I loved the story. I think it’s really hard to end a series and I honestly liked the ending of Mass Effect although not everyone is a fan. The choice-consequence ramifications in this game are pretty brutal and it’s rewarding to see the conclusion of so many of the companions’ arcs. The first time I finished this game I was sobbing which showed how much investment I had in the story and the characters, especially Shepard. I think there are a lot of interesting larger ideas explored in the series like collective consciousness through the Geth as well as the tension between synthetic and organic, which I found myself thinking about a lot when reading Emergent Strategy. 

Favorite Art Style: The Wolf Among Us

RIP Telltale. I liked a lot of their games, but WAU is where I feel the style really hit it’s stride. It worked super well with the fantasy/detective story. I’m sad they never got to finish the game. 

“I’ll finish it some day”: Zelda: Breath of the Wild

BotW is a really amazing game but I have never in my life finished a Zelda game. I want to finish it bad but I sucked literal ass at the boss fights. I also struggle hard with games that have huge open worlds when there isn’t a story really driving me through objectives and missions. Some people love the freedom, I tend to get bored quickly. I dropped the game because I didn’t have time to play it so when I feel up to it again I’m starting from the beginning.

Big Personal Impact: Dragon Age 2

This game made me realize I was bi and helped me come out. That’s pretty much all there is to it. By far my favorite companion set, I hope for future games they take more cross impact between companion characters because that was seriously lacking in Inquisition.

Best Combat: Spider-man 

Super fun combat that you personalize to your fighting style. When I was hitting my best in terms of combos it felt super cool. Just a really strong game gameplay-wise. 

You like, but everyone else hates: Beyond: Two Souls

I don’t know if everyone hates it but when I talk about it I hear a lot of groans... this is definitely one of my favorite games to play with someone else and I think it’s super engaging to play with people who aren’t really into video games. It’s easy enough for them to get into with a decent story and decent twist reveals. 

You hate, but everyone likes: Fallout Franchise

I’ve tried so hard to get into these games. I own most of them but I have never been able to finish one. Fallout 4 was super buggy and I couldn’t get through some of the critical fights. I wanted to be into it but it just didn’t do it for me.

Underrated: Jedi Fallen Order

I don’t think it’s that underrated but I had a friend tell me it was “just Dark Souls with lightsabers” and I thought that was an unfair assessment. The Jedi gameplay is really fun and the boss fights are hard but so worth it to keep trying until you get through them. Also, as a Star Wars nerd, I liked this offshoot exploration of the Jedi. 

Overrated: The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

OK I bought this game having never played a Witcher game or engaged with really any Witcher content and I thought, based off the amazing reviews, that wouldn’t be a problem but I could not get through it. I just didn’t understand what the heck was going on or get attached to any of the characters. I went back and bought the first two games on sale, although the first is so frustrating because you have to obsessively save so that you don’t lose progress. I’m open to changing my mind down the road but I just didn’t get into it.

“Why do I like this?”: Grand Theft Auto V

I bought this at the beginning of quarantine last year as a long game to have that would take me ages to complete so I wouldn’t lose my mind. It’s the only GTA game I’ve ever played and I got super into it even though it’s like... GTA. Truly just THAT video game stereotype, you know?

Game you always go back to: Borderlands 2

I’ve played the other Borderlands games but this is definitely my favorite. Just a decent game to playthrough either on your own or with other people. I like the drop-in, drop-out story play through you can do with people.

That atmosphere...: Stardew Valley

Pretty self-explanatory. I wish I lived there. I want what they have...

Bad Day Cure: The Uncharted Franchise

Decent story and story arcs. Good gameplay to zone out to. I like the characters. This was the first set of games I played on my PS4 and it was during a blizzard. Super replayable.

Favorite Protagonist: Hades (Zagreus)

I almost said Dragon Age 2 for Hawke but because Hawke’s personality really depends on the player (I exclusively do humorous) I didn’t feel that counted for strong protag writing. Zagreus rocks. Bi king. He’s sensitive and caring and tough and funny. His arc is so wholesome... my childhood trauma definitely projected heavy onto this game.

After Work Game: Left 4 Dead 2

This was the first game I ever bought on Steam back in 2012 to play with my online friends from deviantArt... that’s how old this game is for me. I’ve clocked almost 400 hours and it’s definitely my go-to comfort/tune out game. I literally play this game to self soothe when I have anxiety... I’m so used to it and familiar with the gameplay that it doesn’t stress me out at all. 

Biggest Letdown: Mass Effect Andromeda

After ME series I was honestly fine where Shepard’s story ended and I was down for another protag and offshoot story but... the game sucked. The combat was fun and it wasn’t unplayable but ME was so good that this game just didn’t live up to the standard. The companions are just not as interesting or engaging, it was buggy and animated weird as hell, and I couldn’t give a fuck about Ryder honestly...

“Back in the day” game: Pokémon Ruby/Sapphire

Curling up on the couch or in my room on my Gameboy Advanced SP in red collecting pokémon... these were the DAYS. 

“Not the best but having fun”: Fire Emblem Franchise

Three Houses is definitely my favorite and the only other that I liked out of the few I’ve played was Awakening. I think the games are decent and fun, Three Houses was definitely the strongest in terms of side characters and story, but there are still issues like... how romancing works. Claude is so bisexual it’s actually alarming... 

Criminally Overlooked: Mirror’s Edge

This series had potential to become such a cool franchise but it stopped after Catalyst. I was so invested in the world they created and it was just very... whatever Watchdogs was trying to do but I didn’t like as much. Some really awesome gameplay, just a lot of parkour and running.

Depressing Game: The Walking Dead 

This game and the subsequent ones I just feel so bad for Clementine, this poor girl cannot win. I never finished the last season because I lost track of what Telltale ended up doing, but now I know they finished it so I gotta get back in there. Yeah I cried at the end of this first game.

Favorite ACTIVE Franchise: Dragon Age

So many issues with the series but... it’s likely if they’ve announced a new one I’ve already pre-ordered. I’m very invested and hope Dragon Age 4 is as good if not better than Inquisition...

Not usually my thing but...: Red Dead Redemption 2

Not at all a game I would usually get based of how it was advertised and explained to me as well as the usual crowd who’s into it but... I really loved it. I said this before that I’m not great with super large maps and free reign but RDR2 is one of the few exceptions. I would spend hours just running around and hunting. I started playing it in quarantine and lord... it was so nice to just roam around this huge, beautiful map and feel like I was hanging out outdoors. It also made it shitty to be stuck outdoors because all I wanted to do after I finished was go on a cross-country road trip. Still very much a like... manly man game. But I don’t mind that.

Anyways that’s my two cents. Here’s the blank:

[agentem]

Endgame questions: Sharon Carter, Peggy Carter, Team Carters, some Steve stuff, SHIELD, some Bucky and Sam

I feel like I should just get the Sharon stuff out of the way. Readers, if you are new, I love Sharon Carter--mostly from the comics because she never had much to do in the movies. I also love Peggy Carter because, originally, Stan Lee had written them as sisters and I fucking LOVE SISTER RELATIONSHIPS (see future post on Gamora and Nebula).

Now, of course, they are great aunt and grand niece (that is Peggy is Sharon’s grandparent’s--I believe, grandfather Michael if Agent Carter is still canon--sibling.)

Markus and McFeely (who WROTE these movies) said Sharon was originally LIVING with Steve while he was on the run in Infinity War and that she was cut (”she was cut” is Sharon’s whole MCU history). I say that because she was originally the “female lead” of CATWS and was cut, in favor of Black Widow. She was originally part of “Team Captain America” and part of the airport battle in CAWC, but was cut in favor of Ant-Man/Spider-man happening. (This had to do with the Sony deal happening or not, which is neither here nor there.)

But the point is, she is a character that I care about. I don’t necessarily need her and Steve to be together in the comics. Some of my fave Sharon comics are her teaming with Black Widow or other Agents of SHIELD.

Anyway, back to them “living together.” I don’t think that is canon because if it is, it is fucking dark. It’s one thing to have kissed your grand-niece it’s another thing to have fucked her a bunch of times and had five years of a stable relationship with her from the time it started in CACW.

I HOPE he kissed her and then she fucking moved on with her life. She’s fucking thriving at the CIA. I hope she survived the Snap and maybe got involved with Nick Fury’s underground SHIELD. I mean, they mention Button Bob (whose real name I never remember) at the end of Infinity War as someone who is still on Fury’s team. He was also in Age of Ultron. I would’ve loved to have seen Sharon in Age of Ultron or mentioned as still a SHIELD agent in Infinity War.

Because SHIELD is goddamned important to her. She wanted to be like Peggy. She joined up despite her family’s protests (this is mentioned off-hand in CW) and Peggy was the only one who supported her. Those two had a familial relationship where Peggy mentored her and served as a guide for her career.

You know, what? Fuck it, I’m just going to headcanon that once Fury and Maria Hill are Snapped, Sharon is in-charge of SHIELD. (I think this probably conflicts with the TV show I haven’t watched since Simmons got stuck on that weird planet?) But I don’t give a fuck because Sharon needs to get something.

I am also conflicted as to whether going back to being with Peggy is “moving on” or “going back” for Steve. I think it is the latter, honestly. Like he got jealous that Tony got to have a family? They seem to have conflated “moving on” with “getting a life” in the film. But Nat talks about having a life with the Avengers. That is what I thought Steve had.

Like, okay maybe he wasn’t living with Sharon Carter for the last ten years. (Five on the run, five after the Snap). But is not having a girlfriend or children the worst thing in the world?

As an asexual childless individual, I don’t really understand. He seemed to rely on Nat and Sam and together they were trying to help Bucky, who is really just beginning his healing process in Wakanda when they PULL HIM OUT to join this fight.

I know a lot of Stucky fans are really bummed. I get that. The Russos always said that since they were brothers, they were attracted to the Steve/Bucky narrative as a brother story. (See above where I am super into sister stories, so I get that.) But I also know that a HUGE part of the audience did not read it as they saw it. And they know that. They totally swerved into it in CACW and were certainly aware of the backlash against the kiss with Sharon.

Even if the audience did read it as the Russos intended (and I don’t think creator intent is the same as what comes across): would Gamora abandon Nebula? Would Thor leave Loki? Would Pietro leave Wanda?

I did see that Sebastian Stan played it like Bucky somehow knew that Steve was leaving for good. That is why they have the “you’re taking all the stupid with you” exchange that they had when Bucky went off to war. (Is marriage really like war?) And had him know who the old man was way before Sam did.

But Bucky being sort of okay with it doesn’t mean it is okay? At the end of CACW said his philosophy was that he believed in people. Specific people, sure. He had abandoned the Avengers for Bucky, really.

The only way I can explain it, is that he and Nat were a team, right? And now she’s dead and he’s like “holy shit, I gotta find that life Tony talked about fast!” And he made a split second, impulsive decision. (Which, again, I really think you should PLAN your time travel before you do it, and like discuss the possible unseen ramifications with other people.)

I guess this movie is about the Avengers needing grief counselors (like if Sam had been there, since I assume he is certified in some way to run meetings at the VA, none of this would have happened).

Pause for a moment to appreciate Sam Wilson more. (Do it, goddamn it.)

As for Peggy Carter, I am not sure if this is a yay Peggy for me? I was happy to see her. And I would have looked at her with the same heart eyes that Steve did through the window, let’s be honest.

But I also really loved the first season of Agent Carter. That scene where she says goodbye to him on the Brooklyn Bridge (which better not be covered in goddamn boats, New York) was really great. Hayley Atwell moved me and I believed she was going to find love elsewhere and be FINE.

Not only FINE but THRIVE.

I know the show suggested that her husband was Daniel Sousa, who I liked just fine. I had always hoped the show would be more ambitious and play with the Peggy and Gabriel Jones dynamic from the comics. It’s not a big part of the comics, but when Steve comes back and is IMMEDIATELY like “gross you are old” to Peggy. she is devastated and Sharon is like “what the fuck, you asshole.” (Don’t be so mean to my older sister!) But she eventually finds love with Gabriel Jones, the Howling Commando, and the white lady with the black man pisses Red Skull off, which is fun for me. So I still ship it (just because “fuck you, nazis!”).

I feel like the MCU version of Steve might have picked up with Peggy even though she was old in CATWS, except she had the Alzheimer’s. I personally think that would’ve been fucking rad to cast an older actress and have her be the love interest. (See upcoming post on ageism and women in Hollywood). But they didn’t go there. They cast a Sharon Carter but really did not follow through with it.

Anyway, in the movie Peggy bonds with Steve because he’s an outsider and they’ve both “had every door shut in their face.” I thought it would have been cool to deal with that in the actual context of 50s America. MCU Peggy is NOT American but she is expected to enforce American laws as they were at the time. How does she feel about that with regard to race in America? How is Gabe dealing with having every door shut in his face, even after becoming a distinguished war hero and personally capturing Armin Zola (who they just let wander around SHIELD?) after Captain America and Bucky were busy dying/crying on the train.

I don’t know, that is what I wanted season 2 of Agent Carter to be. They did cast an African American actor as a kind of pre-Hulk character but he turned out to be terrible, which was pretty problematic for me, and left me thinking well maybe Peggy with Daniel Sousa wouln’t be so bad.

Daniel is a disabled veteran, he can’t be having a super fun life.

Oh wait, now his wife is probably leaving him for a Super Soldier? That has gotta hurt. I feel bad for these characters who are kind of abandoned by the narrative.

OTOH, we got to see Jarvis in a movie! And Sam is Captain America now. Change that logo, Disney+. I wanna see “The New Captain America and the Winter Soldier” now.

Steve let me down but Sam doesn’t usually. Maybe I should move on.

[vfdbaudelairefile13]

                                               Chapter Two:

                          The One Where the Baudelaires Meet Count Olaf

The ride to Count Olaf’s was as unpleasant as both children imagined it would be. Mr. Poe had just shown them the burned remains of their mansion and they couldn’t help but think of their poor parents and how horrible it must have been to die in such a matter. Sunny, of course, only being an infant had a harder time understanding the ramifications of the entire situation but Klaus didn’t. Klaus shuddered at the mere fact that his parents had technically been burned alive. Klaus had hoped that maybe just maybe it was quick and painless. Being burned alive had to be a very unpleasant way to go and Klaus had always hoped that when his parents died it would be quick and painless but now that he thought more about it, he feared that the exact opposite of his hopes had happened. Part of him could hear their agonizing screams and it made him tense up.

Klaus was taken out of his dark thoughts when Poe announced that they had arrived. Holding Sunny close with her diaper bag around his shoulder and his very small suitcase in hand, Klaus began to walk up the walkway of the prettiest house on the block. The bricks of this house had been cleaned very well. They were a nice shade of pink that was highlighted even more in the ever-present sunlight that shone on the house. The children could tell that the house was maintained and well kept. Peering slightly through several wide-open windows they could see an assortment of well-groomed indoor plants. Sunny noticed that the front garden was just as beautiful as the inside of the house, it was occupied by many beautifully colored flowers that complimented both all the other flowers around it and the house as a whole. In the front yard stood an older woman who looked smartly dressed and sweet. She was smiling and waving towards the two children.

“Hello! Shalom! Salutations! You must be the Baudelaire children,” the elder woman said smiling down at Klaus and his baby sister.

“Hello. Good morning. My name is Klaus Baudelaire and this is my sister, Sunny…” Klaus blushed, “I apologize for not shaking your hand but my hands are quite full.” He politely gestured to his suitcase and Sunny.

“Hi!” Sunny chimed in waving her little hand at the elder woman and giving her a big toothy grin.

“Good morning. My name is Justice Strauss,”

Klaus looked at her puzzled almost immediately forgetting his manners, “Justice is a very peculiar fire name.”

Justice Strauss gave a small chuckle, “Justice is my title. I am a member of the High Court.”

“That sounds very interesting.”

“It is very interesting.”

“Are you Count Olaf’s wife?” Klaus asked.

Justice Strauss couldn’t help but shudder at the mere thought. “Oh...no no no no no, he’s...well, he’s my neighbor. His house is over there,” she said pointing her finger across the street.

Both Klaus and Sunny turned to see where the sweet older woman was pointing at they both had the same initial reaction. Their smiles faded and their hearts got heavy with sadness as their stomachs filled with a sick mixture of dread and nervousness. Count Olaf’s home was the exact opposite of Justice Strauss’. It was composed of dark, grey bricks that had grime oozing out on just about every brick as if no one had even attempted to wash them in more than fifty years. Some of the windows were either cracked or entirely shattered. The front door was nearly in disrepair with paint chips and cracks all along it. The children could see, even from across the street, carved into the middle of the door seemed to be the image of a weirdly shaped eye. An eye Klaus swears he has seen before but he couldn’t put his finger on it. The front yard was absolutely atrocious and had dead pigeons scattered here and there. Along Olaf’s house was a long tower that was a bit lopsided. Klaus would guess that the tower was about thirty maybe forty feet tall. He shuddered at the fact that he and his sister were to live there. If the outside of the house looked this bad, he didn’t want to see the inside.

“Oh…aac,” Sunny shouted which was her way of saying, “Let’s sleep outside.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Klaus asked under his breath as Poe seemed unbothered by the condition of Olaf’s unkempt house and proceeded to walk Klaus and Sunny towards it.

“It was nice to meet you, Justice Strauss,” Klaus called to her as he begrudgingly followed Mr. Poe towards their new home.

“It was nice to meet you, too. Perhaps one day you could come over and help me with my gardening.” Justice Strauss called out to the young boy and his baby sister.

“That would be very lovely,” Klaus replied as Sunny waved to Justice Strauss.

Klaus frowned as he reached Count Olaf’s doorstep. It would be lovely to help Justice Strauss with her gardening, in all honesty, it would be very lovely if the children were to live there with her instead of here in this health inspector’s nightmare. But Klaus forced a smile on his face. He knew this was just as shitty for Sunny as it was for him, so as her big brother he had to power through it with some optimism. Maybe then, Sunny could have at least a false sense of hope.

Mr. Poe rang the doorbell while he had another coughing fit after waiting a few moments, he proceeded to right the doorbell again. “That’s odd...He said specifically he was waiting very eagerly to get his hands on you.”

Klaus looked at Mr. Poe with a bit of concern. “That’s an odd...way of wording it. Don’t you think?”

“I wonder what would be taking him. I mean he could be very busy, he is an actor, you know,” Mr. Poe said completely ignoring Klaus’ statement.

“Count?” Sunny asked which meant, “I thought he was a Count?” Klaus was quick to translate for his baby sister.

“Well, he’s both an actor and a Count. Isn’t that exciting, children?” Mr. Poe asked ringing the doorbell for the seventh time.

Finally, the door opened with a loud creak that made Klaus hold onto Sunny tighter.

“Hello hello hello,” a voice called out to the children and the idiotic banker. “I am your beloved Count Olaf.”

Count Olaf was a very tall and very thin man. He was dressed in a grey suit that had many dark stains on it. His face was unshaven, and rather than having two eyebrows, like most human beings, he had just one long one. His eyes were very, very shiny, which frightened the two youngsters because it made Count Olaf look both hungry and angry. “Hello, my children. Please step into your new home and wipe your feet outside so no mud gets inside. Oh, and don’t forget your enormous fortune.”

Klaus shakingly took a step into Count Olaf’s home and found himself in the dirtiest room he had ever seen in his entire life. He kept a hold on Sunny afraid to put her down in such a disgusting pigsty. He found it a little ridiculous that Olaf asked them to wipe their feet. Klaus thought a little bit of mud tracked in would not have changed the room at all.

Mr. Poe followed Klaus inside and looked around the living room. There was a dim light that hung from the ceiling, which made the room have an eerie feeling than it already had. There was a stuffed lion head that was nailed to the wall and a bowl of apple cores that sat on a small wooden table. Klaus noticed a fireplace was also in the room but it looked as though it hadn’t been cleaned in ages. “This room looks like it needs a little work,” Mr. Poe stated after a large fit of coughs.

“I realize that my humble abode isn’t as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion but perhaps, children, with a bit of your money we could fix it up a bit.” Count Olaf stated with a strangely bitter tone.

Mr. Poe’s eyes widened in surprise and his coughs echoed in the darkroom “Now, Count Olaf, the Baudelaire fortune will not be used for such matters. In fact, it will not be used at all until Klaus is of age.”

Count Olaf glared at Mr. Poe, for a second Sunny thought he was going to smack Mr. Poe which she was eagerly awaiting. But unfortunately for her, he hadn’t. Count Olaf turned to glance at the two children. “I say, you two are a gloomy-looking bunch. Why so glum?”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and then at Count Olaf. Sunny glanced down and noticed that not only did Count Olaf’s pant leg not cover his leg entirely, but she could also see that he had a strange tattoo of an eye on his left ankle. The same eye that was carved into the front door. She couldn’t imagine why any person would be so obsessed with eyes that they’d not only decorate their front door with such a thing but plaster it on themselves, too.

“...our parents just died…” Klaus said still confused at Olaf’s initial question.

“Ah, yes. The fire.” Olaf said as his eyes got shinier as though he was telling a joke. “Well, children I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had,”

“Dada!” Sunny yelled which meant, “We had a father, you fuck.” Klaus only half translated angrily.

“Yes and a mother, too. Remarkable woman. Flammable.”

Klaus and Sunny both glared at Count Olaf.

“Mr. Poe, I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted,” Count Olaf turned to Mr. Poe, “So...do I have to sign for them or something?”

“What? No. No.”

“Well, as we say in the theatre. Exit stage right.” Olaf replied practically pushing Mr. Poe out the door.

“Goodbye, Klaus. Goodbye Sunny. I hope you’ll be happy here. I’ll still check in on you occasionally. If you need anything or have any questions, you can always reach me at the bank.”

“But we don’t know where the bank is,” Klaus replied

“I have a map of the city,” Count Olaf said. “Goodbye, Mr. Poe.”

Before Mr. Poe could say a last goodbye to the Baudelaire children, Count Olaf had slammed the door in his face. Olaf slowly turned to the young boy and his baby sister. Klaus dropped his suitcase so he could hold Sunny tighter as Olaf crept towards them.

“Well, children, before I give you a tour of your new home, aren’t you going to ask your guardian “How do you do?”” Olaf asked smiling down at the two children.

With his voice shaking with fear, Klaus looked up at Count Olaf and asked, “H-how d-d-do you do?”

Olaf leaned in towards the two children which was easy for him to do seeing that he towered over Klaus in stature. “How do I do? Better and better, Baudelaires. Better and better.”

The dreadful villainy of this vile fiend has haunted my associate and me ever since we started to take on the case of the Baudelaires. Thankfully neither my associate nor myself have had the displeasure of meeting Count Olaf but from what we have gathered in our studies and what my associate has gathered through her intense interviews with key witnesses of the Baudelaire case, we can not help but weep when we think of this man’s utter wickedness and severe lack of theatrical talent.

“Do you know what this is?” Olaf asked the two children as he unraveled a list in their face.

“List!” Sunny shouted.

“Wrong! It’s a list. A list of chores. I bet rich brats like yourselves are so spoiled that you have never done a chore in your life.”

“Actually, I helped a lot around the house. Usually with Sunny.” Klaus replied with a snarky tone.

Olaf tilted his head and stared at Klaus. “Well, that’s good. I don’t do diapers.” He said as he made a disgusted face towards Sunny.

“Carene!” Sunny yelled which probably meant, “Back off parrot face!”

Olaf sneered at Sunny and Klaus turned her away from their new guardian.

“Why don’t I show you your new house, orphans,” Olaf asked after a second of calming down. He gestured for the children to follow him. Klaus picked up his suitcase and followed Olaf into several rooms.

“This is the kitchen, where you may help yourselves to meals. I know what you’re thinking. This place could use a little TLC. I’m assuming you’ve had your shots, polio, smallpox, typhoid, malaria?” Olaf asked as Klaus and Sunny followed him into the worst kitchen they’d ever seen. Klaus could see dead roaches here and there, there was a trail of ants on one of the counters. The dishes were piled high and not just in the sink either. Some were on the counters and piles of dishes could also be found on the floor. Sunny gagged and Klaus sighed as he looked around this awful room. Both children kept thinking “who could live like this?”

Next Olaf led them into a room with a ceiling that was practically gone. “This is the entertainment room. I’m sure the ceiling can be brought up to code in no time,” He smirked in Sunny’s direction. “You’re not afraid of heights, are you?”

“Bitch,” Sunny mumbled under her breath. Klaus hoped Count Olaf didn’t hear her. He gave Sunny a look begging her to just stay quiet for the time being. Sunny rolled her eyes but slightly nodded her head at her brother.

Count Olaf gestured for the children to continue to follow him, “This way,” he called out as he and the children passed a long winding staircase.

“What’s up there?” Klaus asked.

Count Olaf stopped in his tracks and leaned very close to the Baudelaire youngsters. “That is my tower room. Which you are never to go...under any circumstances.”  Klaus stepped back and Olaf made a gagging sound to illustrate his disgust with the two children.

“This is the library,” Count Olaf stated, “which you will keep well-dusted. This is where I do all my reading.” Klaus smiled at the word ‘library’ but his heart shattered into a million tiny pieces when he got a glimpse of the room that Olaf described as a ‘library’. There were no books, just empty bookshelves that were incredibly dusty. The furniture in this room looked torn, run-down, and if Klaus and Sunny didn’t know any better was probably just as dusty as the empty bookcases and full of bugs. Scattered throughout the room were empty wine bottles.

“That is the ballroom, which I do not use at all. You’ll have to redo the floors.” He stated simply pointing into the direction of a different room. He took the children to a small room that had clothes hung up on clothing lines. “This is the laundry room, you can hang my underwear on that rack after you’ve washed it.” Sunny gagged under her breath and Klaus grimaced.

He ushered the children to the backyard and both children weren’t surprised to see that it was in the same condition as the front yard and the rest of the house. “This is your new backyard which needs weeding, mowing and pruning. This will also where you will chop wood.”

He then took the children upstairs to a small room that contained the dirtiest toilet the Baudelaire children ever witnessed along with a small tub, which was as grimy as the toilet and a very tiny sink. “Bathroom number seven, the only one you are allowed to use. It has all the usual amenities. The management is happy to tell you that the shampoo is not tear-free, honestly, it encourages tears.” The two children saw a rat scurried from one side of the bathroom to the next. “Rats bite.”

Sunny had had enough. “I bite!” she yelled in Olaf’s direction. Klaus’ heart began to pound as Count Olaf’s shiny eyes glared at Sunny. He then looked up at Klaus. “If you know what’s good for her...you’d keep her under control.” He said in such a chilling tone. Klaus simply nodded and followed Count Olaf finally to their bedroom.

“Finally, this is where you’ll sleep, orphans,” Olaf said as Klaus dropped his suitcase and Sunny’s diaper bag. He looked around the grey and filthy room. Spider webs were all over the walls and ceiling, there was only one window that faced the direction of the sun, and in the middle of the room, both Baudelaire orphans saw that Count Olaf provided them with one bed. A bed that looked worse than the tiny mattress that Mr. Poe had ‘generously’ provided for them. Klaus was utterly speechless and Sunny was looking around the room looking for things she could bite. She happily saw a pile of rocks in the corner and gave a small smile. “Out of all the numerous bedrooms in my enormous home, I have selected this one for your safety and comfort.”

“...there’s only one bed…” Klaus stated absentmindedly trying to process everything.

“As you can see, I have provided at no cost to you this complimentary pile of rocks. Maybe you can throw them at each other or whatever. I honestly don’t care what you two do in your free time as long as you do every chore on your daily chore list.” Count Olaf said. “Thoughts?”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another. They had many thoughts actually. Many ill-mannered, ill-tempered thoughts. Some ranging from how disgusting and vile of a person Count Olaf had to be to allow his house to ever fall into this amount of disrepair to thoughts about how cruel and vicious Olaf was for only giving the children one bed and a long list of daily chores. But Klaus and Sunny were too frightened to say anything. Klaus knew if he said even the slightest thing, he wouldn’t stop. So he just looked at Count Olaf.

Count Olaf looked at the two children and leaned in close to them, “I know your first impression of me may be that I’m a terrible person. But in time, Baudelaires, I hope you come to realize...you haven’t the faintest idea.” He said sending chills down the Baudelaires’ backs.  “I’ll give you some time to unpack.”

With that Count Olaf exited the room, leaving Klaus and Sunny alone with their thoughts. Klaus careful sat Sunny down on the one bed and he just couldn’t fathom how Count Olaf thought this was appropriate for two children. Sunny should have a crib...or at least a better bed than this one. Klaus started pacing back and forth which began to scare Sunny.

“Quid?” Sunny asked, which meant something along the lines of, “What’s wrong, Klaus?”

“Oh, nothing’s wrong, Sunny,” Klaus said angrily. “You know I’ve got a good feeling about this.”

“Huh?” Sunny asked looking at her brother with a bit of worry and confusion.

“I mean he seems like a great guy...I mean this room needs a little fixing up but that’s nothing some paint, lumber, and rat traps wouldn’t fix.” He yelled still pacing the room. He glared at the small bed again, “Ooh...one bed fucking fantastic!”

“Territo,” Sunny replied in a small whimper, which meant, “Klaus, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m scaring you?” Klaus asked her not realizing how serious his baby sister was. “What are we even doing here? Our parents are gone. Our house burnt down. These things don’t just happen. Now, we’re stuck with this fucker.”

“Accidit,” Sunny replied as she began to cry, this probably meant, “Maybe these things do just happen. Maybe it’s all just a cruel coincidence.”

Klaus just shook his head still pacing the room not noticing that his sister was crying. “These things can’t just happen.” He said more to himself.

“Gothis,” Sunny replied as her crying became louder and more apparent. This meant something along the lines of, “We’ll get through this...won’t we?”

“How? How Sunny?” Klaus replied as he sat next to her on the bed.

Sunny simply shrug and began to cry even harder. She crawled her way to her brother and sat in his lap and cried. After a few moments, Klaus wiped her tears from her eyes and smiled at her. He realized that he had to be strong for her. He was all she had now. “We’re it, now. It’s just us...Sunny. We’ll get through this, I promise. We will make this work.”