#Anxiety and maybe even schizoid

[roadimusprime]

T-shirt that says "I was emotionally and mentally neglected as a child"

[schizoid-culture-is]

Schizoid culture is explaining to people who romanticise your apathy why it's not as nice and helpful to be apathetic all the time

Sure, maybe it is nice to not care about what others think, or not be bothered by anxiety over the past or future or whatever

But it's not nice when you're so apathetic that nothing motivates you to even do the most basic things in life, and pleasure, happiness and enjoyment are non existent due to apathy

-

[acerathia]

somebody's watching me || Chapter 5: Bleed

Summary:

Meeting him was your fate, your salvation, and you shall do everything to keep things this way.

Wordcount: 5.4k

Read on AO3 || Masterlist

Pairing:

Getou Suguru / Reader

Tags/CW:

no-curse au, Getou is still a cult-leader, cults, Getou's fake personality, dark content, Major Character Death, Paranoia, schizoid form of anxiety disorder, isolation, overthinking (in connection to the anxiety), some form of descent into madness, violence, stream of consciousness to show the mental state of reader, everything has meaning (dreams, colors, symbols etc.), warped look on reality, dissociation, blind trust, indoctrination, manipulation, mind-altering practices, polarisation of people/society, peer pressure, denial of reality, emotional abuse, body horror, drugs (implied), hallucinations,

Note:

Please be cautious reading this work, as it contains heavy themes, which might affect some people. Minors do not interact!! ignore any editing mistakes, i am tired. have fun, maybe? lol

The next weekend, you stood at the stop, waiting for the bus. You had signed up when you had managed to convince your family. While you didn't really remember how you had managed it, it had worked. The means to a goal shouldn't matter.

The headphones in your ears drowned out the sounds around you. There should be a bus coming soon to pick up the whole group, but you seemed to be a little early. This happened to you often, because you preferred to be at the place before the appointed time than too late. You didn't like having to worry about the time. Even though the empty lot still made you nervous. Were you in the wrong place? Had you gotten the time wrong and were actually late? Your teeth gnawed at your lower lip as you kept glancing right and left. But as some people slowly gathered close by, you were able to breathe a little easier. You still weren’t sure if these people were part of the group, but their equipment seemed to match the ones on the list. Even though you knew you were in the right place, you continued to look around. You only knew the leader, as he had invited you himself, and you kept an eye out for him. He did not seem to have arrived yet. Before he had the opportunity to even arrive, the bus pulled up to the stop. At first, you hesitated to get on. You had not heard any instructions, so you did not know if it would be right to do so. Only the fact that you were standing alone on the street convinced you to enter the bus.

Inside, most of the seats were already occupied. That probably meant that most of the members were already there. You wondered if there was still an empty seat by the window. Your eyes darted back and forth between the backmost and the frontmost seats. But when you spotted the man at the front, you decided to sit there. You even found a seat next to the window. Now you understood why everyone had just gotten on when the bus came. They were probably used to this situation, since the leader probably already was in the bus on these occasions.

You didn't want to disturb the only person you knew, so you didn't dare greet him. Besides, you didn't expect anyone to sit next to you anyway, after all, no one knew you. You had often dealt with similar situations. Still, that didn't mean it hurt any less. You probably would never be able to get rid of this pain completely. You had to admit, you never really understood why people didn't like you very much. No matter how hard you tried to fit in with the outside world. You could tell what people thought of you by simple looks, their facial features. You were getting absolutely tired of not fitting in anywhere, despite your best efforts. You had stopped trying, preferring to isolate yourself rather than be isolated.

You had to force yourself to take a deep breath. The ride hadn't even started and already you hated your current position among the people. And you really shouldn't, not yet. The trip offered itself to you as a chance to get better, to make friends. Even though you carried a bit of hope in your hands, you were aware that you didn't really know how to approach other people.

Your hand searched for your water bottle so you could take a few sips from it. The coolness in your throat helped a little and calmed your nerves. Then you rested your head against the window pane and looked out. You probably wouldn't be able to do anything else before the bus left, and probably not during the trip either.

But before the trip began, you sensed movement in the seat next to you. You wondered whether or not to turn around. Finally, you turned your head slightly and caught the glance of him. Oh, you must have been caught. Still, being able to lock eyes with him made your heart beat in a way, in a way which resembled panic, yet on another level. So, you smiled hesitantly at your neighbor, trying to not let your insides burst out.

For a moment, you didn’t know what to do, his gaze intently on your face, and you were about to turn back to the window, but then he suddenly gave you a small smile, one so unexpected, but one you couldn’t help but admire and cherish. How many other people had ever had this privilege? His whole being seemed to radiate from within with this small gesture and you felt dazzled, overwhelmed. For a moment you wondered why such a luminous person would sit down next to you, talk to you. But you asked no questions and passed your own smile like an anchor, trying to tie yourself helplessly onto his. Maybe this was your chance to get a little bit closer, not more than that.

You really wanted to make it work, but even the first hurdle seemed way too high; what were you going to talk with him about? You had little experience with small talk and social situations. Those memories stuck deep in your chest and knotted your thoughts. Why couldn't you be social? Why were you the way you were now? Something about you was wrong; everything about you was wrong. Your thoughts seemed to be stuck in your head for an eternity and you never came up with a topic. But before you could turn away again, embarrassed, he actually started talking to you, leading the conversation effortlessly. Relief seemed to loosen your muscles. So you at least tried not to make it harder for him than it had to be. While you were better with listening, you kept trying to respond to what he was saying. You hoped that by doing so you would not annoy him away, hoped he would stay by your side.

This way, the beginning of the ride passed. At some point you just let the silence rest between you. You weren’t sure at the beginning if he didn't want to talk to you anymore because he was annoyed and didn't like you. That was why you had given him an uncertain look at first, but he caught it and gifted you with another smile. This reaction calmed your worries and you could just sit with her in peace. Even if his smile laid heavy in your mind. You had to admit, it gave you some sort of weird feeling in your chest, which wouldn't go away, but it was rather pleasant, something else, something he had given you. It felt like he had temporarily freed you, enlightened you.

When the bus finally arrived at its destination, the whole group got off with an excited chatter. You brought up the rear, letting everyone else go ahead. At least that's what you wanted, but he didn't seem to want to leave you alone. Not that you minded, but it was just unexpected.

When you finally stepped onto the grass, you looked around. The bus had stopped in front of a grassy area, with buildings visible in the distance. The grassy landscape seemed familiar in some way, but you couldn't find any real memory of it. Perhaps it was simply déja vu. You could still feel your shoulders getting heavier and your heart wanting to jump out of your throat. But you tried to ignore the feeling and followed the person in front of you. The whole group lined up in a formation on the lawn. You just squeezed in between two people without really understanding what it was supposed to look like. But you didn't ask, you followed the steps of the others. Maybe your questions would be answered by themselves.

Suddenly everyone fell silent and their eyes were fixed on one person in the middle of the formation. You recognized him as the leader, something you were aware of, yet felt so jarring to actually witness. There had to be a lot of respect, otherwise, people wouldn't wait for his words with such silence, would they? You could do nothing but look around curiously, but you seemed to have been caught. The leader had given you a disappointed look and then turned back to the others. Your heart sank and your lungs twisted. Had you done something wrong? You didn't know. Your tongue licked over your lower lip and suddenly it was much harder to swallow. You didn't want to disappoint anyone, but you had done it anyway. Great job. Still, you tried to make an effort and understand his words. Even though your ears were filled with the roar of your pulse. That's why you only heard that everyone should throw their phones, their means of communication into a box. Your concentration should not be averted because of these devices. If this trip was to end successfully, then they could not afford any interference from the outside world.

That made sense. And it didn't bother you. Who would text you anyway? You were not in contact with anyone.That's why you didn't mind turning off your phone and putting it in the box. If the leader thought it would be better for you, he was probably right.

After all the devices were collected, everyone headed for the buildings. As they did so, the group split in half, and you had no idea what the requirements were to enter one or the other. At the same time, you wondered if the entry into the other buildings was restricted in some way. You wanted to run into each one and discover its insides. Curiosity stung your neck like a bee, but you pulled yourself together and followed the bigger group into the dormitory. Still, you tried to peer into the windows, hoping to see something, but the interior was far too dark for that.

Once inside, you stood uncertainly at the doorstep. You didn't know where you could get comfortable, and you didn't dare ask. Even though you probably wouldn't have gotten a word out as invisible claws squeezed your throat shut. Your gaze darted quickly back and forth. Everyone seemed to have a fixed place. You knew it, you shouldn't have come here. You didn't belong and never would. Your hand went to your throat, and your fingers scratched at the skin there. You hated this feeling. But you couldn't help it either, no one knew you, let alone liked you. You wanted to get away from this place as soon as possible.

But before you could just run out of the building, a girl beckoned you over. With slow steps you approached her. Wondering what she wanted to say. But she didn't say anything, rather showed you a free bed, which was at the end of the room. Was this one for newcomers? Or was it simply empty? Before you could ask that question, the girl was back at her bedside, too far away. You probably wouldn't find out now. Not that it would have made any difference. So you just smiled at the girl as she looked back at you. Then you followed the others and packed your most important things into the chest at the end of the bed. There was no lock, so you hoped you could trust these strangers. After all, you had no other choice. Then you sat down on the bed, not knowing what to do. The time between now and dinner was probably a break for everyone. The people talked to each other in a gentle tone instead of leaving the cabin again. Everyone seemed to know each other already and you wondered if you should introduce yourself to a group. But just the thought of it made your jaw tighten and your teeth grind. You were afraid of people's disgusted looks or their nose wrinkling. You preferred to be alone by choice rather than excluded. Even if you fervently wished someone would approach you first. But you knew that probability was slim, equal to impossible. You shook your head slightly and crossed your arms. Wondering why you still had those hopes in the first place.

You were about to drop backwards onto the bed, but the leader called to you from the door. Your heart sped up and you felt the need to immediately run outside. But you also didn't want to make a bad impression or disappoint him. So you left the building with slow and calculated steps and followed the leader into his office. The door closed behind you and suddenly you found it hard to breathe at the mere sight of him. So you sat down eagerly when he instructed you to do so.Then he handed you a bowl of candy, one of which you placed on your tongue if only to do what he wanted you to. Your eyes landed on anything but always returned to his face. But for some reason, the atmosphere differed from the one you had experienced on the way here. So you just kept silent and waited for him to address you first.

"I'm disappointed in you."

All your muscles froze on the spot. You didn't remember doing anything. What could have triggered that reaction? Did you make a bad first impression? This thought constricted your throat and you didn't dare say anything. Not even an apology crossed your lips.

But then he continued talking, and even though you wanted to just flee the room, you listened to him. He told you that he understood your situation, but it was no excuse for your behavior.You should have read the rules.

You frowned at this lecture. You didn't remember breaking any rule. Was it perhaps because of the formation? Because you didn't know where to stand? But you had not heard or read anything about it. Where would you have gotten that information? But he was right. It was your fault. After all, you should have asked. Therefore, you apologized in a croaky voice. At these words, the leader nodded, seeming more satisfied than understanding. Nevertheless, he leaned forward to put a hand on your shoulder. You did not like that. The warmth of his skin was something you should gain, something akin to a reward, yet here you are, enjoying it despite this.

"I’m just here to help you. This is all for your own good."

That was his promise to you, belonging and help. As the words slowly swam through your skull, you definitely felt calmer. It was true. He was only trying to help you, there was nothing to worry about. You felt warm with joy at his attention towards you. Someone was taking care of you! Your head seemed to become light. All at once the disappointment of the leader was forgotten and you had to grin to yourself. Only one thought filled your head: he wanted your best!

You didn't even realize that you were still being punished. At that moment, everything was fine with you. Your body felt like clouds and your fingers were tingling. Without understanding a word, you gave your consent to whatever task he gave you with a nod. How beautiful everything was right now.

You didn't realize you were dismissed until the leader escorted you to the door with his hand on your shoulder. With a final grin, you trundled back toward the dorm on wobbly legs. Your vision seemed to flutter and you had to hold onto the wall to keep from tripping over your own feet. You should have thought something of it, but at the moment your body felt pleasantly warm and all sounds were muffled. You had to pull yourself together to avoid attracting attention. After the situation, you didn't want him to change his mind too much. But something inside you claimed he would never be disappointed with you, he liked you, truly. However, how long would your mistakes be considered a rookie mistake?

No. You shook your head and almost fell over. You couldn't break any more rules.So, you made your way back to your assigned place. But before you even got to the building, someone gently grabbed you by the shoulder.With a silent protest, you swayed and turned around to face a woman. She apologized for having startled you, for having forgotten you. Forgotten for what? But instead of answering your questioning look, a hand was held out to you. With a trembling hand you grabbed it and let yourself be led out of the building. The woman's skin was soft and the touch did not bother you, unlike many others.

But it couldn't be that it was already time for dinner, could it? Your question was answered when you stepped into a meadow instead and walked through the grass. The walk seemed to be a bit longer, because the woman opened up a little conversation with you. Asked you how you liked it so far and how you were getting along. The grass of the meadow tickled your ankles and you felt as if you had been here before. But when you had to dodge a bush, you denied the thought. After all, this was your first trip to this place.

After a while under the evening sun, they finally arrived. For what, actually? All you caught sight of was a line of people. You wanted to run forward, stretching to see what was happening there. But you were nefariously pulled to the end of the line because the woman had not let go of your hand. Only when you had your hand back to yourself did you gather your courage and ask the kind woman why they were all standing in line. She answered with a gentle smile and a single sentence:

"It's a tradition.Everyone is supposed to show how selfless they can be."

These words only raised more questions. However, you let your thoughts rest with the answer and simply thanked the woman. This one seemed to know just like everyone else what was going on. You tried to see what was happening with each step forward. Your head swung from side to side to get a glimpse of the situation. But your attempts were unsuccessful. That meant you would have to wait for your own turn. Still, you wondered where they went then, since you didn't see anyone walking back.

Finally it was your turn. In the middle of the meadow was a lonely chair full of moss. Around it were towers of smaller stones, forming a circle. Someone tapped their fingers invitingly against the large backrest. Hopefully this chair would not collapse under you. Hesitantly, you sat down, but did not shift your weight completely onto the wood beneath you. The people around you motioned for you to roll up your sleeve, which you did without argument. Secretly, you continued to hope for an explanation, but it didn't seem to be coming. Instead, noise-proof headphones were slipped over your ears, from which music flowed. If you concentrated, however, you could hear the murmuring sounds in the background. But you felt a fatigue that made it difficult for you to resist. Still, you noticed your arms being pinned to the armrests until you could no longer move them. You wanted to protest, but your tongue felt far too soft, like it was about to slip out of your mouth. You only managed a frown to show your feelings. At first you let these things happen to you, but when a syringe was unwrapped from a plastic bag, you began to shake your head. You didn't know what these people were going to do with the syringe, but you didn't feel the need to find out either. Someone seemed to recognize your distress and began stroking your neck with their fingers. This motion did not help you calm down, but distracted you enough to not stir for a moment. At that instance, they jabbed you in the crook of your arm with the needle. Your gaze fixed on the syringe as it filled up. The tension in your body made it painful to draw blood.

Only when the vessel had filled completely with blood were the headphones and restraints removed. With a jerk you stood up and moved a few steps away from the chair. Then you demanded an explanation in a trembling voice. The blood was still flowing in drops down your arm, but you didn't care. Someone apologized and said they thought you already knew about the procedure. Just having blood drawn, for some reason. If they thought you knew about the whole thing, then surely they didn't have to chain you up. Still, you nodded, as if showing understanding. You were handed another candy before being escorted in a different direction than the one you had come from.

There, the next activity was to take place as a group, as there was still plenty of time before dinner. So, you set off without argument until you stopped in front of a pond. The whole place could have been out of a fairy tale if there were no garlic hanging from the branches of the trees. You wondered what they were placed here for. But you questioned nothing and sat down at a free table to join a group. After all, it was none of your business as long as these things promoted the welfare of you and others.

By the time you sat down, no one else joined. It seemed that you were the last, except for the missing leader. Even though he had been missing from the last activity too.

But the wait was not spent in complete silence and the mood lapsed into relaxed conversation. Everyone was sharing stories about their lives. At first, you didn't really plan to participate in any, but the girl from earlier found you and pulled you into a conversation. They talked about whether they could fulfill their goals at the end of the trip. Since you assumed they all had goals similar to yours, you agreed to the discussion. Then the conversation went in a completely different direction.

It took a while for him to arrive at the meeting. With his appearance, congratulations and laughter were exchanged. Were they congratulated because of the successful activity? This group was strengthened as a community in several ways thanks to this social time. People's eyes darted back and forth between themselves and the garlic above their heads.

The leader then got up on a podium to look over everyone. Then he began to murmur some words that were unfamiliar to you. Was it a song? The chant hummed throughout the group and you shivered. Your back went cold and you looked around. Everyone's eyes were fixed on the taller person in front of them. As if there had been an agreement, they all raised their hands above their faces and formed a sign in front of it, their fingers intertwined. This one seemed familiar to you, as goosebumps formed on the back of your neck and you had to swallow hard to keep your mind from wandering. You didn't want to stand out, didn't want to disappoint anyone, so you copied the gesture from a seatmate.

The moment you put your hands in front of your face, everyone fell to their knees with a jerk. With a faltering breath, you also let yourself slide out of the seat. Even though your fingers restricted your vision, you recognized how he swung his arm around in a sweeping motion and everyone sat back down as if on command.

Hands were separated again and gazes locked on the leader without blinking. An eerie silence settled over the clearing. One could feel the tension in the muscles of the others. They didn't even dare to breathe, afraid it would be too loud. Only a deep breath from the leader could be heard.

"My dear companions in this finite life, We are fortunate to be gathered here again.Together. Many who walk this earth with us do not know of the possibilities. The opportunities that have now opened up to us.

Everyone has the potential to take advantage of this opportunity to contribute something greater to our society.

In the past, I could only rely on myself.The people around me didn't understand my thoughts.This led society to unconsciously prepare me to be alone. Alone, as we all were!

But that is not how people should live. We should exist in each other's arms. We fight for each other, for being together.

We must not let society put us in a box. Everyone deserves independence, yes, but also charity, an infinite life.

What good is independence if you are alone for all eternity? None of us wants to be alone and we will find a solution. A solution of how we can hold hands forever.

Each of us came to this place emaciated from the withdrawal of love, of kindness. Oh yes, I remember each person's arrival, hold it in my heart as a warning. As a warning of what this world will do to us.

But don't worry, friends, we are fortunate enough to form our own society. A society that will be enlivened and loved by us until the end of time.

Be full of gratitude, be full of hope. For this weekend will belong to us and our purpose."

Your heart seemed to have longed for these words, for it understood everything without faltering. You almost had tears of joy; these people really understood what was going on inside you. At last you belonged in a place without prejudice, only with goodwill. You wanted to show your gratitude, with great signs and deeds, but for now you just clapped as loud as you could with the others. You would reach your goal, everyone would reach their goals. And you could even be helpful to the others.The next few days were full of possibilities and you would not let a single one slip from your fingers, from your heart.

After the applause stopped, it was time for dinner. No one seemed to be in a hurry and everyone strolled leisurely toward the dining hall. The excitement after the speech filled the air and intensified with each breath. Your body was still humming as well and you couldn't help the smile on your face. Everyone seemed to feel the same way, as they grinned at your, at each other, sometimes even linking their arms together. Slowly but surely, joy settled in your bones and grounded you like never before. You knew with certainty that the next few days would be the best of your life. Because being around people who were fighting for the same thing had a healing, calming effect.

With a warm feeling in your stomach, you entered the dining room. This time you knew exactly where you belonged and at which table to sit. With that certainty, you made your way toward the table that was furthest away from the leaders table. If you wanted to work your way up, you had to show yourself worthy. You had to make a big contribution to society in order to get up there as quickly as possible. While you still had no idea how to go about it, you knew you could do it. No matter what you would have to do to get there.

With a soft noise, you dropped into the chair and smiled at the others around the table. You didn't know anyone, as the only person you truly knew, and desired to be in the presence, sat at the front. You deserved it, but you would all too like to know what you had done to get closer to him. Money probably played a role too, but you were still a student, you owned next to nothing. No assets.Nothing valuable. That meant you just had to do the best work you had ever done in your life. Maybe you could help out a little in the kitchen, that might earn you some points. You wondered if you were allowed to do more, to serve him directly, in any way you could. You would ask that first thing in the morning.

The meal was dished up. It consisted of pies. With great joy you wanted to grab a piece, but you held back at the very last moment. Your eyes darted to the leader who had not yet touched his food. Then he opened the meal by handing the one serving him a pie to bite into. Only then did you grab a piece as well and let your teeth sink into the dough. The salty filling flowed with pleasure over your tongue and you closed your eyes. A metallic taste lurked in the back of your throat, but you felt too hungry to deal with the aftertaste. Still, you noticed that the pie was starting to drip from the other side. With your free hand, you caught a few drops. These shimmered dark red on your skin. All at once, the aftertaste became much more prominent and you could no longer taste anything else. Where did this blood come from? Was the filling raw meat? No, it tasted too good for that. Your eyes twitched left and right, looking for a reaction from the others. But no one seemed to notice anything. So you swallowed the mass without a word.

Your hand reached for the cup to your right to rid yourself of the taste. But the red color stung your eyes. Was this wine? Was it allowed to serve such a thing at such an event? You sniffed it. The smell was fruity, bitter. Was it supposed to smell like that? You didn't know, but took a sip anyway and let it flow into your mouth. It was just grape juice. A strangely bitter one, but grape juice, no doubt. The taste was familiar to you. Was the leader's tea made from the same grapes? You would have to check to see if anything was planted here. Then you put a hand on the edge of the plate to push it away from you. But before you could do that, a bright scream rang out from the front tables.

He had thrown a glass at some poor guy's head. The glass shattered over his skull and the flowing blood caused a reaction from the crowd. Only for a moment, though. They reacted more to the leader's tirade. At first, someone close by tried to calm him down and handle the situation with a cool head, but the leader's violence did not allow them to act. His words were meant to be instructive, and slowly insults began to flow in. These were harsh and would have probably hit anyone deep in the soul.

After blowing off all his steam, he could finally be calmed down. But after the situation, he didn't want to appreciate or acknowledge the person. You couldn't see it that well from where you were sitting, but the ground was swimming in the man's blood. Was no one going to help him with his wound? Everyone continued their meal as if nothing had happened. No reactions, no protests. Understandable. After all, they would have the chance to take his place when he disappeared. No one wanted to miss that chance. You watched as the man was grabbed by the arms by his seatmates and dragged out of the hall; leaving a red trail behind him. With unobtrusive movements, as if you had never stopped, you began to eat again. With each bite, the taste became more persistent and the juice didn't manage to cover it either towards the end.

After a while a bell sounded and everyone dropped everything from their hands. With a jerk they stood up, whether one had finished eating or not. When the leader was finished, then further eating was not allowed.

People formed a line to the dish rack to wash their silverware. With each step, you followed the others to familiarize yourself with the group's habits. Still, you wondered why people then went back to the rooms. You felt it was much too early to go back to sleep. But you seemed to be wrong about that, because after a few minutes you were lying in your bed, among the other people in a darkened dorm. You didn't think you would be so tired, but something made your head feel heavier and you couldn't help but fall asleep.

[just-otter-thoughts]

I don't know if I like the concept of mental illness as, like, something that's wrong with you. Of course, clearly, it causes distress. No one wants to have psychosis or a personality disorder or a mood disorder or etc etc. But, like, if it happens this often and this diversely (there are so many mental disorders), can you really say that it's not a natural state for someone's brain to be? Like, I don't know if this makes sense.

Counting all the mental disorders and neurodivergencies, there's no way the majority of people isn't mentally ill or neurodivergent (which there's overlap between), right? There's no way most people go their entire lives without experiencing something that's deviant from the "norm" of how someone's brain should function (Which, by the way, what even is that?). How many stories of "I saw a ghost, a Literal Ghost, in front of me" have you heard from someone who otherwise clearly doesn't have psychosis? The ghost obviously wasn't there if it wasn't there for everyone.

How many stories have you heard of someone who, while grieving or something, got severely depressed but then it went away? I don't know if I'm right. But to call those of us which never have it go away "The Mentally ill™" seems a little... odd.

Mainly because that's our normal. That's the way our brains operate. Under severe anxiety, under severe depression, under the set of circumstances of a personality disorder, under autism, under ADHD, under schizophrenia, etc etc. Under impulse control disorders. Under OCD. I don't know just how counterproductive it is to call them disorders and that's it, but maybe it'd be beneficial to just say it's different?

And that also begs the discussion of how they're all treated. Because, like that other post said, whether or not it's considered a problem and not just a normal at best, odd at worst behavior is how often it happens and how severe it is. How deviant from "normal" does something have to be in order to receive the label "disorder" and be treated with medication?

Because, like, homosexuality was in the literal DSM up until 1973. Gender dysphoria is still there, in the DSM V, right now in 2023. I know that my attraction and love for men is not a disorder. It does not cause me distress, at least not on its own. But at some point it was considered one, and treated accordingly (whatever that means).

Does my point come across? I don't know if I'm making sense. I guess I'm rambling a lot, I get many thoughts about this. Ultimately the main point of treating something is to make the patient's life better. Get rid of their intrusive thoughts that are making them anxious, get rid of their hallucinations that are making them scared. But some of it, and this is in the DSM because I've read some of it, has to do with whether or not something affects your functioning as a member of society. Whether you're able to work. Whether you're able to be social. If there were accomodations for, say, schizoid personality disorder, some schizoid people would be perfectly happy the way they are, with no close relationships and living in their own world.

Is that a disorder or is that person just different? Or does "disorder" specifically mean a severe form of "different" that we treat so that it conforms with the norm?

[aroacemarie]

peeked in the 'asocial' tag and it seems theres like. 10 million different definitions of it being used in various communities? so i feel like having used the term just now i wanna clarify what *I* mean by it

im gonna pop this under a read more bc its a long one.

im NOT using it as an ace/aro microlabel (not judging those who do tho). i dont consider it a part of my sexuality/orientation/lgbtq identity. its more of just a personality thing?

im also not schizoid, to my knowledge. im sure i have traits of it? or maybe my understanding of it is wrong? i just know i went through a brief stretch where my being asocial meant i was schizoid, but upon more thoroughly researching the symptoms of schizoid personality disorder i determined it did not apply to me.

its also unrelated to social anxiety. i DO have social anxiety disorder, but my being asocial isnt a fear-related trait. basically while social interaction/the anticipation of social interaction can trigger an anxious response in me, i dont have a strong Drive to be social in the first place.

its also why i consider my asocial trait as being different from being an introvert. its kinda like introversion on steroids. introverts still seem to have a need to interact, whereas loneliness is genuinely a foreign concept to me.

i also dont consider it a symptom of my depression... mostly. yes, withdrawing from social interaction is a bigtime depression, its more of a withdrawal in that context than an general inclination. when im withdrawn bc of a major-depressive episode, it is characterized by hurt and an overwhelming sense of dread/hopelessness. when its just my day to day default state, however, it has a peaceful, content quality.

so to describe it by what it IS instead of what it ISNT:

-i describe my being asocial as an extreme lack of a drive to be social. i dont really feel the need to seek out interaction, and while i still absolutely DO interact with the people i like, i tend to be abnormally unlikely to reach out.

-being alone makes me feel content, not lonely. it feels like sitting by the window on a cold day, wrapped in a warm blanket and sipping a warm drink, peacefully watching the leaves float by delicately on a gentle breeze, the with soothing voice of the wind whispering to you a comforting hush.

-i love my friends deeply. even when i dont interact with a friend for an extended period of time, i still think of them with a deep fondness. i picture their smiles, the way they make me laugh, the way their eyes sparkle with excitement when they talk about their interests. i feel a deep warmth in my heart, and reflect on how much i cherish them, even though i dont feel inclined to reach out and chat with them at that moment. i can still miss them too, even if im not necessarily doing anytying to fix it! (for the record, hazel if youre reading this i was thinking about you as i typed this section, ahaha 💚)

-i get exhausted and overstimulated by conversation easily, even when im speaking to someone i love about one of my favorite topics. its pretty common of me to tap out of conversations or "leave you on read" for hours simply because i exhausted myself. that being said, i DO love to have deep, meaningful conversations!

-i dont find talkative friends to be "annoying" or a burden. quite the contrary; im flattered they like me enough to invest their time and energy into speaking with me! i just have low stamina.

-its kind of like when youre doing your favorite hobby or playing your favorite game but youve been at it too long and youre too wiped to continue. thats how i feel about talking to the people i like, but my stamina might only last a minute or two before im metaphorically "out of breath"

-i dont hate people. in fact? i LOVE people. i look upon all the humans out there, living unique lives and unique experiences, and i feel a sense of childlike wonder. i think of how fascinating their perspective of the world is; their core beliefs and how they developed, the things that bring them joy that would seem strange to me, the things they know that i simply do not. but i dont really want to necessarily have a conversation with them. i prefer being an observer, reading the thoughts they share in public forums (like tumblr and twitter). humans are so fascinating. i just wanna watch you for hours like youre in a little terrarium!

-im told im great with people, and honestly i make friends very easily! not to say im never awkward or am immune to social fuckups! but im empathetic and am told have a high emotional intelligence and tend to make people feel at ease. im really tactful and great at defusing conflict (my favorite quote was in college when a friend told me "you could literally tell somebody to go fuck themselves without offending them." love it, ahaha). the thing is... i dont WANT to make friends. ive got everyone i need already, yknow? my Friendship Inventory is full.

im also gonna acknowledge that my asocial nature is very likely linked to trauma. i do have CPSTD from abuse that spanned the entirety of my childhood, from my earliest memories all the way into my mid-late teens. alone felt Safe, and it still does. but its not a Disorder; it does not cause me distress or impede my ability to "function." god knows ive got plenty of disorders/symptoms that DO. but being asocial is not one of them.

anyway, i hope this helps people understand me a bit better. im always worried that im a Bad Friend (being in a 6 year abusive friendship w someone who constantly called me that didnt help) for not reaching out to people/checking on my friends more. its just... a Thing. ive accepted that its not something i can change about myself, and i acknowledge that means im just not compatible with certain people, to no fault of their own. and thats fine! im not gonna be insulted or like you any less just because we arent the kind of people who could have a closer relationship in a healthy way. some folks just dont vibe w each other!

to any of my friends (and acquaintances! we dont need to be close!) reading this, i love you! i mean that, and i hope reading this helps you understand that i truly do, even if im bad at showing it.

stay frosty ✌

[wernher-von-brawny]

Bocci the Rock Reaction Videos

One of my favorite uses of YouTube is watching a big batch of different essayists spit about a single topic or piece of media.

Today's hyperfixation has been wallowing in vids about Best Anime of 2022 contender, Bocci the Rock.

I would have said Best Show of 2022 contender, but I'm aware that, aside from CGI fantasy, American tastes trend towards that gay murder club show, that troubled children having sex show, that MAGA-friendly western show, and that MAGA-friendly rich family fighting over money show (or is it shows?), so... safest call is to segregate it off into its own garden.

For the uninitiated, Bocci the Rock is a brilliantly and lovingly animated 2022 "slice of life" -- meaning a character-driven show rather than action-, plot-, or quest-driven -- comedy anime about a talented but catastrophically awkward and introverted young guitarist who joins an all-girl band. Hilarity, personal growth and rocking out ensue.

It's not at all like the old Monkees TV show, but it does share some of that same energetic and experimental love of humor, music, friendship and fun.

While searching YT for my usual topics of interest will return maybe a few vids, it seems that a lot of 'tubers (are they called that?) share my love for Bocci.

It's no wonder an anime about an online content creator with intense social anxiety has resonated with many in the the non-millionaire segment of that community.

And he fact that most of these reviews contain as much confessional therapy as critical analysis made me think of our beloved hellsite. It seems to me that one or two of my fellow Tumblr deplorables might also vibe with this show.

It inhabits the intersection of social anxiety and making art, made with incredibly craft and skill and -- reportedly -- a very high level of staff freedom, input, and personal expression.

Based on the content I see posted by the folks I follow on this site, and the six folks who follow me, I think it may resonate with many of them as well.

And since everyone is on vacation or phoning it in this week, and I'm bored, here's a roundup of all the commentary vids I watched today.

It was on Nuttflix, and then it suddenly wasn't. Whatevs, it's on Crunchyroll, and many of the best pirate sites.

Best to watch it before the commentaries, and then use these to satisfy your craving for more, but since it doesn't have a plot that can be spoiled, nothing anyone says in any of these vids steals anything from the enjoyment of watching the series.

Unlike, say, the last Star Wars or LOTR show, both of which are conveniently mooted by reading the recaps.

The Absurd Adaptation of Bocchi The Rock

What happens when you have a series whose identity is intrinsically tied to its production; the times when aesthetic and visuals and animation are so crucial and so integral to the series, that it becomes the primary thing that is elevating the content? Well that's when you get Bocci The Rock.

To call Bocci The Rock creative would be one of the largest understatements that I have ever uttered on this channel. This is a series that seemingly revels in any opportunity it gets to convey its comedy and convey its drama in the most unique, eye-opening ways that I guarantee you have never seen before in the medium of animation. And I can say that for a fact because there are gags in this series that don't even use animation.

Comedy is the lifeblood of this series and any chance Bocci has to surprise you or make you laugh through its excessively fun and creative uses of framing, timing, or just sheer animation power you better goddamn believe it's going to do it, to elevate the extensive commitment it has to its gags and to its character writing.

Why We Love Bocchi

Bocchi the Rock is a completely socially inept, lonely, loser; an asocial schizoid, cast out from society for being a fucking freak.

The only reason she started getting into guitar, was so that she could become rich and famous, and get over her fear of people.

And she seeks any and all validation from others.

She's... a.. honestly a bad person. Kind of. She's, she doesn't have that much conviction. She kind of just goes with whatever other people say. Um- she- she just- her only motivation is attention from other people.

So that begs the question: Why is she so fucking cool?

The Unique Genius of Bocchi the Rock!

Endlessly charming. Unquestionable an absolute gem. Always weird in the best possible way.

Bocchi Rocks Harder

Bocci the Rock was somehow able to get the attention of the anime community in a season with stacked entries, some of which have been building up towards this moment for years.

Looks like I can only link five videos in this post. If I’d known, I might have re-ordered this. In any case, the rest of these are links.

The Masterpiece That is Bocchi The Rock! - Honest Review

I think the best way for me to describe it is how the anime put it: "It might not connect with too many people, but those it does it'll hit deeply."

Explaining the Meaning Behind Guitar, Loneliness and Blue Planet (Bocchi the Rock Insert Song)

How Bocchi the Rock Captures Social Anxiety Perfectly

At first glance the show may seem like just another run-of-the-mill, "tee hee cute girls doing cute things" show, but there's so much love, passion and thought put into this anime that really gives it the extra push.

Bocchi the Rock is Anime of the Season

Bocci excels not only because it has absolutely stellar writing that dives down deep into an introvert's psyche, but because it also has a director that's willing to just let his staff go buck wild and do whatever the shit they want.

Bocchi The Rock is a Mirror into my SOUL 🎸

Making art -- whether it's drawing, music, video making -- is not the easiest thing to do and I feel like it's been a while since we've had an anime that attempted to showcase that without sugar coating it.

What I wasn't expecting was a critical hit to my current existence as a content creator and socially inept weirdo who doesn't like to talk to people and who isn't really comfortable without multiple layers of anonymity between myself and others.

If you want a currently airing anime about just how you can feel as an introvert watching a piece of media, Bocci the Rock has got you covered.

Bocchi The Rock is The Pinnacle of Slice of Life

...eight weeks of what has generally been some of the best anime I've seen for the better part of half a decade...

The Masterpiece You Just Missed | BOCCHI THE ROCK!

For the first time since 2020 I can finally say that I found another masterpiece within the Cute Girls Doing Cute Things genre.

A Better K-On (Bocchi the Rock!)

Narrative Therapist Reacts to Bocchi The Rock! - Episode 1

I have not yawned a single time during Bocci, an I won't! Yawn. Ever. Again! ...on stream.

The SURPRISE Anime of Fall 2022: Bocchi the Rock!

I Almost Skipped This Amazing Anime

Hidden Gem of the Season Bocci the Rock is a show about a girl who wants to be a rock star but instead gets hit by a truck and reincarnates as an actual rock.

Yeah, yeah, I was lying. I just kind of think that the English title reads funny, but you know in Japan it wouldn't surprise me if that ever became a show in the future.

And if you still want more, here's an extensive print interview with the production team:

Bocchi the Rock! Main Staff Interviews – Series Director Keiichiro Saito, Character Designer Kerorira, Animation Producer Shouta Umehara

[ina-nis]

Pretty sure I’m going further and further away from the Anxiety people and getting closer and closer to the Schizoid ones, I mean... that’s kind of one of the things that can happen in AvPD progression, huh?

The reasons why I avoid people nowadays have more to do with me thinking it’s pointless than thinking it’s scary.

I still long for people and close relationships though, so... hmm...

Maybe comorbidity, it’s possible to have them both, even when their symptoms can appear paradoxical.

Brains are complexes and things don’t always make sense, they probably don’t make sense most of the time.

[nahmanidontwantto]

Before we start this is really just me just trying to get my thoughts out there lol

I have a lot of trouble figuring out if I truly have SzPD/the traits of it. Though I can trace many of my traits back to when I was a child I still doubt whether I am faking many of my traits. But why would I do that when I consider myself a (mostly) covert schizoid? Maybe it's because I don't mask unless I'm interested in the person. My voice is very flat and expressionless when I do not care about interacting with a person, when I want to be left alone, and most of the time I want to be left alone. I feel like I preform more for myself than for other people. I like performing, I like having fun with a personality I have no attachment to. I like keeping those close that I find interesting and want to interact with them more, thats how I keep them close.

I may seem very outgoing and loud to those I consider my friends but in reality I feel... Nothing. I feel nothing most of the time. I used to think that was normal. Then I found out about alexithymia, I started to identify with that. I am capable of feeling emotions, I understand what anxiety feels like, maybe not all the time, but I can, as long as I'm feeling them extremely. I do have friends, I do like them, at least logically. I feel like I don't feel close to most people, if any.

My mom has always said that I never seemed all that interested in interacting with others even when I was younger. To the point where she's started yelling at me, I think she has been disappointed in how I act. Though as I've grown older I think she accepts that it's how I am. I don't like talking to new people, I tend to go find those that I maybe talked to before if I need someone to talk to because I don't really like being left alone. Somehow I'd rather be alone in a crowd than all by myself (in crowded places, at least).

I have difficulty keeping up with people. It just seems like too much work. I can keep up with maybe 1 or 2 people max (at least separately). There's just too much anxiety surrounding it and it's so hard to get close to people. People misunderstand things too often about my needs, it doesn't make much sense. Oddly enough, I think many people find me to be strange and different, which only makes them want to become closer to me. I think there's much of a disconnect between what others believe is close and what I believe is close. What I mean is that I may not consider myself as close to them, but they do. And I think people find how I interact with others comforting and that's why they like me.

I'm not judgemental. I find social norms ridiculous. So I don't follow them. I hate giving gifts (even if they're for Christmas/birthdays). I find that not telling others what I think of them makes them more comfortable. And why don't I? Because I don't have one at all (as long as I don't see them as all good or all bad. I feel incapable of having a "gray" outlook on someone and I feel like not having any opinion on people is how I protect myself and others from that). I don't understand why others enjoy this about me, but they do. At least it means I don't have to try so hard to get close to them, because me trying to get close to someone usually leads to me splitting on them, anxiety, and stress.

[paranoidpdsuggestion]

I can't find much about PPD, but from what I've read i think i might have it? Could you maybe explain some of the lesser known parts of it?

I can try! ^_^ - tendency to hold unyielding grudges against people for even the most minor of things and dwelling on past slights, injuries, and insults - excessive emotional sensitivity to anything considered an insult - reluctance to confide in others due to fear of information being used against you - psychotic episodes even if you don't normally display psychotic symptoms, which can last minutes to hours to even days - delusions of all sorts - reading into 'hidden messages' and interpreting things as threatening or demeaning - extremely stubborn nature, unaccommodating towards others - sadistic towards others who have wronged you - fear of abandonment from people you consider yourself close with due to finding difficulty in finding lasting relationships - difficulty apologizing - potential anger issues, persecutory nature - jealousy directed towards partner's and other people you might be close with's relationships - feeling you know more than people - finding jobs that require minimal human contact - vigilant scanning of environment to affirm biases and fear of danger, and not listening to others evidence of the contrary - fear of others being able to read your mind and ceasing all thoughts when stared at - trouble keeping eye contact - high comorbid potential with PTSD/C-PTSD, depression, phobias, social anxiety, OCD, insomnia, and other personality disorders, especially BPD, NPD, schizotypal, schizoid, and AVPD Everyone who suffers from PPD is different so you don't need all these symptoms to be valid, but these are just common ones and ones I feel might be lesser known!

[royalty-subway]

Do you have any headcanons for if any of the twins have like

Adhd, or other things that are considered metal disorders?

Curious is all

Ye. I don’t know why, but these kinds of subjects always intrigued me. Like I do research on this in my spare time. And I did some research before making this because I don’t want to misrepresent those who suffer from disorders. It’s just that everyone deals with it differently. I’ll leave a warning here cause I know some people are sensitive when talking about mental disorders. So feel free to skip this. And also, if I get anything wrong, feel free to tell me. The least I want to do is misrepresent those with disorders. I heavily apologize if that's the case.

Sordward

It’s likely that he suffers from some kind of personality or mood disorder. Such as BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) or Bipolar. He also has a bit of an anger issue.

Like his mood just changes a lot. And his anger issues are quite impulsive. Like he throws his anger at anyone pretty easily with no second thought.

That being said, it’s also likely that he suffers from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Due to his parents treating him like shit, he has this constant behavior to always stay on alert and to protect himself from possible harm.

He might have PPD (Paranoid Personality Disorder) as well, like it’s difficult for him to trust anyone since he believes they’re out to get him.

He might’ve developed that after the events with Zacian and Zamazenta (or with his parents). I think the event with Zacian and Zamazenta made it worse.

Shielbert

He probably suffers from anxiety and/or depression. But it’s difficult to tell since he hides it pretty well, but once you get to know him, he might slip up.

The most likely his anxiety disorder would be either GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) or Panic Disorder. Like he can’t help but worry or panic while just living his life.

It’s likely that he had those for a while, but they weren’t as bad before. Like ever since the event with Zacian and Zamazenta. It just made it way worse.

But that could also be PPD (Paranoid Personality Disorder) instead, or maybe both. Since he now constantly feels like everyone is watching him, with hatred and such.

He might suffer from insomnia too. Like he finds it extremely difficult to fall asleep, so he probably just ends up staying awake. (It’s also because he gets nightmares too).

Emmet

It’s likely that Emmet suffers from ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). It pretty much explains his behavior; not paying attention well and not controlling his behavior.

But it could be that he suffers from STPD (Schizotypal Personality Disorder) instead. Like sometimes there's a lack of emotion in his voice and he sometimes shows inappropriate behavior.

It’s also really likely that he suffers from severe PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) too. Since you know, he was trapped in a basement just because of his behavior for years.

And because of that, he has severe abandonment issues. Like even if someone shows a sign of just leaving him. He’ll cry and beg that person to stay with him out of pure impulse.

It’s also likely that he suffers from dyslexia, like he has a hard time reading and identifying speech sounds.

Ingo

It’s probable that he suffers from OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). Like he just needs to do things compulsively. Like organizing or doing stuff repeatedly.

He might suffer from SPD (Schizoid Personality Disorder), due to his nature of being a bit too distant and hardly show any reactions to stuff.

It’s also probable that he suffers from APD (Auditory Processing Disorder). Like his hearing just isn’t the best because he hears stuff differently.

Which it’s also why his voice suddenly becomes louder when he’s excited. He’s not aware of how high his voice is due to that disorder.

He also might have trust issues. Like he can’t help but barely trust anyone. He’s worried if someone would hurt him or Emmet again.

I’m not trying to diagnose all these disorders upon them all at once. I’m just saying the possibilities of them possibly suffering from at least one of these disorders.

[an-organized-confusion]

The Sides As Defense Mechanisms

(Major grain of salt afforded here... because this is Freudian/Psychoanalytic stuff. Not meant to paint everyone as plain old jerks tho. I enjoy everyone, just thought it’d be an interesting exercise to acknowledge flaws and strengths... even if it mightn’t sound it. Focusing just on Vaillant’s categories here.)

Roman

Projection (pathological/immature) - Onto Patton for desired stuff, onto Remus for the undesired stuff... Onwards to Insecurity Land!

Acting out (immature) - he does share some impulsivity with Remus, ngl, but increasingly regretful/doubtful whenever this happens though...

Passive-aggressiveness (immature) - he can have sass rivaling that of Janus, lbr. (Tho at times I wanna say it’s oft stuff that reads as such but isn’t actually intended that way 100% of the time. See this man’s nickname game. Holy shit, I’m with so much of the fandom that it can be hard to come up with new ones, he’s a NATURAL.)

*Schizoid Fantasy (immature) - Given his realm, I could def see him retreating in that direction sometimes - thinking about the “Moving On” episodes here a bit. Though I think I see fan interps play with that in way more detail than canon. (*Smacks trunk/bonnet-* this bad boy can fit so much insecurity in it.)

Displacement (neurotic) - Maybe a touch of that at Remus, Janus, HIMSELF... instead of Patton. (None of whom really deserve painting in B&W/simplistic terms, imo. It’s just simpler to reach for, what can we say, human brains love them there heuristics/shortcuts.)

Reaction formation (neurotic) - he kind of embodies this, when juxtaposed  against Remus in particular.

Repression (neurotic) - poor dude keeps getting mixed messages. orz

Altruism (mature) - He did kind of build his identity around this... still going to need to find a way to achieve this with healthy balance, though.

Humor (mature) - granted, there’s a bunch of self-deprecation to unpack there... but he is an entertaining as hell character.

SUBLIMATION (mature) - just by his function of creativity, he can use that to channel everything negative/unpleasant into an art/performance.

Remus

Distortion (pathological) - often exaggerating the worst stuff of human experience, in bringing them to light

Acting out (immature) - I mean, this IS Remus, we’re talking about. Champion of the Impulsive, Channeler of Intrusive Thoughts. No Think, Just Do. Pffft. (Okay, he demos a great deal of perceptiveness/intuition.... but he is still ALSO a jackass and no one is going to convince me otherwise here. Lots of love.)

Hypochondriasis (immature) - I mean health/mortality worries can be a HUGE font for intrusive thoughts...

Reaction formation (neurotic) - Roman’s reaction’s gotta be formed/reinforced against something. Newton’s third law and all that.

HUMOR (mature) - As warped as hell as it gets with him, he’s aaall about that.

Sublimation (mature) - because Creativity, too. But also, a good fertile ground for more BREADTH of sublime expressions.

Virgil

Distortion (pathological) - but is being tempered (see what was highlighted especially in “Negative Thinking”)

Acting out (immature) - Sometimes shit’s too overwhelming, not to. I get it.

Hypochondriasis (immature) - see the anxious underpinning to that mechanism

Intellectualization (neurotic) - I think he uses some of this tactic... though it’s with less... eloquence than in the case of Janus and Logan.

Anticipation (mature) - I mean, part of Anxiety’s whole purpose is to take into consideration discomfort. Again, there’s the need for temperance~

Humor (mature) - he’s hella sardonic about it, but he’s a sense of it for sure. (Like with Roman... might have a propensity to being a little too self-deprecating.)

Janus

Distortion (pathological) - maybe just a touch, skewing a bit close to a “dog eat dog“ mentality (but an important interlocutor to Patton)

Acting out (immature) - I think generally has more patience than the rest of the Dork Sides... but he can and will get snippy.

Passive-aggressiveness (immature) - given how much sarcasm and double-speak this guy uses...

Intellectualization (neurotic) - definitely puts on these kind of airs in his rhetoric.

Anticipation (mature) - in his case, he’s trying to highlight the discomfort of self-neglect for consideration.

Humor (mature) - I think he wants to appear Serious if it gets the point across... but man’s also hilarious too. I mean “can’t plant too many trees“ absolutely kills me.

Logan

Denial (pathological) - esp as it relates to his own emotionality...

Acting out (immature) - anger outbursts say what?

Dissociation (neurotic) - back on it with the emotional self-reflection shit. :,D

Intellectualization (neurotic) - HOHOHO. Yes. All of the yes.

Anticipation (mature) - accommodating for less charged and more actionable interpretations of how things can turn out.

Suppression (mature) - Logic’s capacity to allowing one to put aside but still acknowledge emotions/etc. to get though Stuff is useful as hell. (Obviously, on an as needed basis, not ALL of the time.)

Patton

Denial (pathological) - esp as it relates to some personal values, but is being broken down

Passive-aggressiveness (immature) - I think it was even less intentional - but he does have a bit of snark/sass (far more subtle than in Janus’s case) and might read as such w/ the “softened language“ stuff

Projection (immature) - treating Janus and Remus as too antithetical to him, at least on a knee-jerk basis. (I think he’s making some effort to get better at that - to Roman’s sad confusion.)

Reaction formation (neurotic) - like in the case of the twins, this is mostly with Janus.

Repression (neurotic) - I just. Yes. Patton, it’s okay to indulge in the neg valence end of the emotional pool, my dude. Aint bad to feel bad sometimes.

Altruism (mature) - definitely has the predilection for that, kind of inherently. Just gotta strike that healthy balance, similarly with Roman.

Humor (mature) - the. gawd. damn. puns. holy. shit.

[acerathia]

somebody's watching me || Chapter 2: Collapse

Summary:

Meeting him was your fate, your salvation, and you shall do everything to keep things this way.

Wordcount: 3.5k

Read on AO3 || Masterlist

Pairing:

Getou Suguru / Reader

Tags/CW:

no-curse au, Getou is still a cult-leader, cults, Getou's fake personality, dark content, Major Character Death, Paranoia, schizoid form of anxiety disorder, isolation, overthinking (in connection to the anxiety), some form of descent into madness, violence, stream of consciousness to show the mental state of reader, everything has meaning (dreams, colors, symbols etc.), warped look on reality, dissociation, blind trust, indoctrination, manipulation, mind-altering practices, polarisation of people/society, peer pressure, denial of reality, emotional abuse, body horror, drugs (implied), hallucinations,

Note:

Please be cautious reading this work, as it contains heavy themes, which might affect some people. Minors do not interact!!

Your eyes opened abruptly. You were in your own room. In your bed. But everything lay shrouded in darkness. It was as if you were still in this prison. But you could move your hands again, freely. But relief was only a temporary guest. The pain in your throat and the roaring in your ears steered you back into your dreams, even though the sensory phenomena only seemed to be dull shadows. Your fingers searched at your throat for the cause of the pain. But there was only soft skin. Nothing else. Perhaps a bruise? The reason for this mark would be unknown to you; after all, you had done nothing all week except march to the middle of nowhere. But that didn't explain the pain on the skin of your throat .

For a moment you stared at the blue ceiling above you. The memory of the dream seemed to slowly fade, but the fear remained. Almost as if the feelings left behind were seated deeply in your spine. Adrenaline raced through your veins, amplified by the violent pounding of your heart against your ribs. All of this clenched into a single thought. Something bad was going to happen, but you had no idea what it might be. Finally, you tried to ignore the squeezing in your body. You blamed the panic on sleep paralysis, even if it was usually something you remembered. Worrying about it any more would only make the rest of your day more difficult. Still, you needed to calm down again, to get yourself back on the right level. So, you got out of bed and made your way into the kitchen. Nothing would help you more than a glass of cold water. Every movement made one of your joints crack softly. These ached in a strange way, one you had never felt before. The feeling was almost as if your limbs had been taken apart and then, like the pieces of a puzzle, put back into place. Those pieces were probably only now moving into their proper places. A reason could be a weird sleeping position or a misplaced pillow. There were many possible reasons for the pain in your bones and all of them made sense. So you decided to ignore the whole thing.

So, with quiet steps, you made your way to the kitchen. The whole house was enveloped in an eerie silence. In the middle of the dark hallway, you stopped. It suddenly felt like someone was standing behind you. You wonder if it was someone from your family. But you hadn't heard any doors or footsteps. Still, you felt someone's breath on the back of your neck. The small breath caused goose bumps on your back and you shivered. You then felt fingernails scratching across your palms. This feeling was too close for you, so you turned around. Hopefully, this way you could look the culprit directly in the eyes. But there was no one in front of you. You were alone in the hallway and no matter how many times you turned around, you couldn't see anyone else. Maybe it was just some of the paranoia left from your nightmare, but that thought didn't even occur to you. Instead, you hurried toward the kitchen. There you opened the refrigerator, whose blue light calmed you down a bit. You didn't notice how much your hands were shaking until you took out a bottle. So, you just gripped the plastic even tighter and started taking big gulps from it. The coolness ran pleasantly, almost burning, down your throat. The cold caused the sluggishness of sleep to fall away. With a swing, you closed the door of the refrigerator. You almost felt reassured again, but at the same moment you glanced toward the window. As you stared at the glass, it seemed to you that someone was standing on the other side. Faintly, with narrowed eyes, you could make out a broad grin. Your breath caught and you turned abruptly on your heels to get back to your room as quickly as possible. But there, too, shadows seemed to lurk in the corners, grabbing at your ankles. So you grabbed a blanket and wrapped yourself tightly with it, as if it were a shield. Wrapped, you sat down in the brightest corner. Your eyes darted back and forth between the walls. It was almost as if they suddenly became darker when you weren't looking. But when you turned to the side, everything seemed normal again. You felt like you were in a cursed game of hide and seek. One where you only could end up as the loser.

You had no idea how long you had stayed in that position, but after some time you heard the birds outside your window. This made you realize that you had been wrapped up like this all night. Without even putting your head onto the pillow. That was one of the reasons why you almost burst into tears at the touch of the first rays of the sun. You were so infinitely tired. You wanted nothing more than to just go back to sleep. At the moment, you almost preferred the nightmares to staying awake. You felt absolutely miserable. As if you had reached a new low. So much you would like to lie back down and catch up on your lost sleep. But to your sorrow, you had to act like a functioning person. That meant going to school. You really couldn't afford to be absent in any way or form.

Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes. This was not the time to burst into tears. You needed to distract yourself. So you gathered yourself up while blinking away the liquid collecting in the corners of your eyes. With quiet steps, you crept into the bathroom. In those movements, you felt a lurking sensation on your shoulders. Had this one been there all night? You had no answer, so you stretched your neck to loosen the muscles a bit.

Carefully, you placed your feet in front of the sink and then stopped. The mirror was in front of you. If you would only look up, you could see right into your own face. You didn't know why you hesitated. With a jerk, you looked up and stared at yourself. Your image stared back at you from bloodshot eyes. But with the next blink, signs appeared and covered parts of your face, blinding you with their appearance. Their garish colors and rushing movements were too much for you. You felt them moving on your skin. Quickly you looked at your hands. They seemed normal. Your fingers groped along your face, but nothing seemed to be amiss.. Taking a breath, you looked in the mirror again. This time everything was normal, even after several blinks. Was this a hallucination? You took another breath and licked your chapped lips. Your reflection appeared normal. It followed your movements and showed your tired face with startling clarity. You decided to ignore this incident as well. Who would believe you? You had no one to talk to anyway. All the people around you thought you were nothing but a sick person anyway, a lunatic, even though you were fine outside of these occurrences. It wouldn't help you if you confirmed this image by talking. So, you freshened up your face a bit, so that you wouldn't look as if you had walked through the forest at night. In doing so, you avoided the mirror. Safe was safe. And you didn't want to see any of those pictures, not until you had to go outside. With her things packed and looking, you hoped, fresh, you headed out into society. After all, your degree was much more important than what was going on inside you at the moment.

You had to honestly admit that you had no idea what kind of day it was. Normally, reality was blurry and interwoven, as if you were holding intertwined threads in your hand. But on this day, you were all too aware of everything around you. The weight on your shoulders crushed you. Everything was far too loud, far too bright, far too heavy. Even your periphery was filled with loud colors and signs, as if a folk festival was taking place around the corner. The images danced in sensual, promising patterns outside your direct vision, as if they were trying to lure you somewhere. But they did not exist, no matter how hard you tried to bring the patterns into view. Your thoughts were in a conflict; either you surrendered to the unknown, or you were afraid, or you wondered what was wrong with you. These three, opposing possibilities paralyzed you. You had no other choice but to simply carry on with your day as usual. As if the only problem was the road ahead of you.

Your shoulders hung down like wet weights. It almost seemed as if they were getting heavier and heavier as the day progressed. Maybe it was exhaustion, but there was nothing you could do. That's why you reached your end, at the same time as the school day was winding down. The heaviness had also shifted to your head and neck. You felt as if someone was sitting on your shoulders and making yourself comfortable there. To your sorrow, you couldn't just go home. You had a meeting with the therapy group that day. You hated it there. These people had the ability to put you in grippy socks with a wave of their hands. So, you had to make a stable impression in front of them. Still, you wondered if you should tell them about the nightmare. After all, they had to talk about anything and if you were honest, you would rather talk about that than about your real feelings.

Lost in thoughts and with your head down, you walked into someone. This encounter brought you back to reality. And you just wanted to apologize and continue on your way.

"Oh darling, you look worn down. Would you like a sip of tea?"

The unknown man addressed you in a deep, smooth voice. His words promised trust. Yet you were conscious enough to refuse his proposal. A simple shake of your head should have been enough of an answer. But despite the rejection, his eyes were filled with some kind of understanding. But understanding of what exactly? Even if you didn’t have an answer, you had the feeling he only wanted the best for you, even if you didn’t know each other, though he looked familiar, a tingle tickling the back of your mind at his sight. He simply pressed a brochure into your hands, turning away with fluttering sleeves and warm goodbyes.

"If you need someone to talk to, our doors are open."

Those words floated in front of you, the woman's last words. You had no idea what to do with them, and even less with the paper in your hand. For a while you just stared at them, not really wanting to understand what was written on them. So you just stuffed them recklessly into your pocket. You would forget it there sooner or later. Nevertheless, you had read part of the inscription. The words promised open ears and gentle care. But you didn't need more therapy. With a shake of your head, you walked on.

You had walked down the same streets a seemingly infinite number of times. The walk to the therapy group had also become a part of the day you had grown to hate. The empty streets. The footsteps behind your back. The whispering in your ears. This environment was full of factors that only intensified your inner turmoil. You constantly felt like you were being followed or watched and there was no escape. Every time you walked past the alleys, you had to pull yourself together to keep from going back. Everyone told you that it was just paranoia, but you were convinced that your fears were absolutely justified. Still, you tried not to let the tension show, but your jaw remained tense, grinding your teeth as you entered the old, dark building. If you hadn't been there often enough, you would have thought for sure that the place was actually deserted.

With silent steps on the creaking floor, you followed the tracks on the worn carpet. The moment you entered the open living room, you laboriously brought a fleeting greeting to your lips before settling into your assigned chair. The seats next to you were still empty, but the familiar strangers soon gathered in their places. While waiting, you played with your fingers to distract yourself from the piercing stares. Then, when a new, completely unknown person sat down next to you, you couldn't stop your body from twitching. You did not know this person. What if you did something to you? Nervously, your eyes darted to the exit. You wanted to get away.

But before you could come up with a proper escape plan, the leader began the meeting. As usual, everyone began to take their turns to talk about something that was bothering them. No matter how much you tried to pay attention, you just couldn't concentrate. You really tried. But the knowledge that it was soon your turn put you in an uneasy mood. The pressure in your chest returned. All the while, only the prepared words rang in your ears, the words you wanted to tell these people so you wouldn't trip over your own tongue. They drowned out all other sounds around you. That's why, for a moment, you didn't hear the leader call your name. When you recognized the words, you had to swallow a few times. Your throat felt dry and raw. You forced yourself to take one deep breath. With the air in your mouth, you began to talk about the nightmare. How it had felt, how much it had affected you, and how it had shaken you. You didn't realize, until you were done, how much you had really told. Way too much. Even though you had tried to hide your feelings, they had still leaked out. You had no idea how exactly you had actually told the whole thing, but you felt the gazes of everyone present rest on you. The silence just felt stifling. No one wanted to say anything. But then the leader took up the floor to calm the situation.

"This is normal…you're stressed and everyone gets these…nightmares."

You realized what the situation was. Those words were meant to calm you down. Were supposed to help you feel normal. But you recognized the tone he was taking toward you. He wasn't taking you seriously. No matter what your response would be. Older people never did. All of your feelings were normal, everyone had them once, they had them too. But that didn't help you. It bothered you. So much. It was the same reaction over and over again.

You were just a kid. You were a drama queen. You were looking for attention. You were just confused. You were making jokes. You were lying. You were lying. You were lying.

It was the same thing over and over again. These words were filled with one statement. Of course you could recognize it. No one really tried to hide it. It lay open and put salt in your wounds.

'You're just a liar, stop wasting my time.'

But surely that wasn't your fault! They had asked you about it, after all. Why ask something if you don't want to hear the truth? Was that even the truth? Were you lying to yourself by now, too? You had no idea who to believe. But you didn't want to stay here any longer. These people didn't believe you anyway. Why should they? They had no reason to. You were worth nothing to them anyway. Which one of them would help you? They didn't even want to help you! After all, you were a liar, you were the evil in their midst. For this reason, you deserved nothing from anyone. Nothing!

Suddenly you found it so much harder to breathe. Your lungs felt like they were slowly being filled with water. Your fingers clawed at the skin under your throat. Desperately trying to help you breathe. Everything seemed to be rushing at you. Your surroundings became suddenly too unbearable. The sharp glance of everyone bored themselves like thumbtacks into your skin. You felt every single one of them. Their grins resounded loudly in your ears. The echo of it grew into a screech. Everything overwhelmed you enormously. It felt like you were about to throw up. Your thoughts spun around, seeming to change your field of vision in a dizzying way.

You wanted to scream, but your body no longer seemed to belong to you. You couldn't even lash out, even though you wanted to break something. You wanted to get away. Away from this place. As fast as possible.

With a jerk, you managed to stand up. Without noticing the other people and their comments of indignation, you left the room with stiff steps. The only sound in your ears was the grinding of your teeth. The pressure in your mouth grounded you far enough to continue using your body. But as you opened the door to step out, you heard footsteps rumbling behind you. That sound triggered some reflex in you and you began to speed up. You had no idea what to do, but you knew that under no circumstances should the others get their hands on you. If that happened, the future would not look very bright.

Your initial plan was to run towards where you lived, but after a few minutes it occurred to you that the pursuers probably already had people lined up there. Or it would be the place where they would search first. Therefore, you directed your steps towards an open square. That place was relatively well frequented right now. Thus, you would be able to easily disappear in the crowd of people. So, you slowed down the pace when you arrived at the edge of the square and walked leisurely into the masses. At least that's what you tried to do. Your breathing was still quite fast. The rattling sound of your lungs rang loudly in your skull as your gaze darted nervously around. It seemed you had lost the pursuers for the moment, but that also meant you had lost sight of them.

For a while you ran a few laps around the square before your path drew a spiral. You were pretty sure the people around you would have noticed you. At some point, you walked around in loops without any destination. Then, when you reached the center of the square, you stopped for a moment. But at that moment you noticed your pursuers a few meters away from the spot you were standing. After a second glance, suddenly there was no one in that place. With apologies on your lips, you pushed your way through the crowd. Suddenly you stopped in front of the man you’ve encountered earlier. You nervously ran your tongue over your chapped lips as you stared at him. What were you supposed to tell him? That you needed help? That you were being followed? Why should he help you at all? It was true, he had offered his help, but how were you to know if it had been serious?

Before you could put your feelings into proper words, the man met you with a gentle smile, one which made anyone want to snuggle right up to it. The man seemed to recognize you. It probably wasn't even that hard given your current condition. Briefly you cleared your throat with an apology and your hands ran over your skin, over your hair. Then, in a cautious voice, you asked if the offer from earlier still stood. As if he had been wished a happy birthday, his face lit up. You ignored how that look sent a shiver down your spine and at the same time the weight lifted from your shoulders. With an elegant movement, the stranger offered you his hand and you had no choice but to take it. His skin was hot on your own, seeming to set your bones ablaze. Then, with feather-light steps, the man led you away from the square… In fact, they encountered no one known on the way. Yet the danger still felt real. As if it were lurking right behind you. That's why you couldn't stop looking back. At the same time, you didn't know if the man was dampening your alarm bells or amplifying them many times over. All the sounds in your head were confused and too irregular to trust. Your head began to hurt, but you ignored the throbbing. However, you still had enough mind and sense to ask where you were going. You just got another smile and a sentence, one you were too tired to question.

"I'll lead you to your new home, my dear."

[punkclowngod]

The things you're talking about with OSDD and feeling like your trauma was happening from a 3rd person perspective. Not wanting to declare that you have another mental illness because you're not sure. I relate. A lot. Deeply. What snapped me out of the speculations was taking a deep breath and keeping myself grounded in the present. I was far more dissociated than I realized. I asked myself, "How do you feel right now?" and "What do you want right now?" For me, I realized I didn't actually know. I was just doing the things I thought I wanted. I was defining myself according to perceptions perpetuated by others that I had internalized. I thought I was a messy, unstable person because I was diagnosed with BPD and have acted that way because I thought that was what I had to do. I thought it was natural for me. In reality, I was playing a role. (It's actually incredibly likely that I am Schizoid, but have made great efforts to avoid being detected; in my case, putting on an elaborate, emotional charade to hide in plain sight. However, the diagnosis is less important to me now than it once was. I used to care a lot about diagnosis, now I'm spending more time listening to myself.) It's almost like I was watching myself from the outside and putting together possible explanations. In my vicious scramble to find answers and "be myself", I had lost sight of who I was and how I really felt. Focusing on staying present and minimizing dissociation has not been easy, but it has been incredibly helpful. It has helped me rediscover who I am. I can finally breathe and I am finally able to examine myself accurately in retrospect. I don't know if that helps, but it has been my experience.

oh yeah definitely, the constant role playing, trying to piece together who i am so i can act accordingly all the time is a struggle i’ve had for a long time that i attributed to bpd for years.

and for the dissociation, i am more aware now that i’m pretty much constantly in a dissociated state, that i’m never fully “there”. i often overlook it and attribute it to whatever disorder i already know i have feels the closest and then don’t question myself more about it, just to avoid complications or spiraling.

my sense of self has always been based on how people describe me and how i remember certain ways of acting that i have, i’ve always played the role that i thought was me, but it became such a habit that it was automatic.

diagnoses used to be sooo important to me when i was younger, but now if a diagnosis doesn’t benefit me, then i don’t want it. i don’t want people who have power over me to easily know what disorders i have. the only diagnosis that is vital to me was my autism diagnosis. but now that i have it, i have no interest in pursuing any other, as a form of self preservation. i do not want authority figures to know my disorders, i do not want it to be even easier for them to abuse their power over me.

the present is definitely something that i practically never live in, especially since i am really under stimulated on a daily basis. i do not go to school, i don’t have a job and i have a very limited amount of money. so most of my days consist on waiting, waiting that the day ends. i know that living in the present would help, but the apathetic boredom that comes with under stimulation is something that truly scares me and i avoid it as much as possible. i have made peace with my fluctuating identity and personality as much as i can because confronting the reality of having no social life and no stimulation and having to find a way to cope with all that’s happening is something i do not think i can survive. of course this only worsens the dissociation, but i truly think it’s for the better. i cannot live with boredom.

your message does motivate me to at least try, but i don’t have any expectations as to find clarity. boredom definitely scares me more than anxiety and paranoia and it’s a risk that i think is very rarely worth it. maybe when i’ll feel more stable i’ll try to just,.. live in the present, it’s definitely something that i hope i can learn to do, but in my immediate circumstances it doesn’t feel safe nor realistic. dissociating is definitely the thing that is keeping me the most stable and i’m not ready to distance myself from it yet.

i do want to understand if i do have OSDD, but i really do have to take as much time as i can. i’m in a too fragile state to try to change my habits. when i move out i’ll probably be able to try, right now a lot of things depend on when i’ll move out as living with my mother is definitely slowly killing me.

i really appreciate you sending this and it is helpful, i can’t wait until i’m able to live in the present and understand myself better. people sending their experiences with this kind of thing truly helps and comforts me, so thank you /gen

[selkies-song]

So the more I look into it, the more I feel I relate, to an uncanny degree, to Schizoid Personality Disorder. I have no internal desire to be close to anyone, not even family. And aside from some weird feeling of guilt by social obligation, I don't really g.a.f. what they think of me, either. My 'social circle' is literally a dot. And more days than not I worry that that's mostly one sided because in the grand scheme of things I'm such a tiny part of their life. I'm sure that's the anxiety talking and even if it's not it's definitely my fault anyways, but I digress What I've described as romance aversion in the past was very much a feeling of things getting way too intimate way too fast--an intrusion into my world that made me feel unbearably unsafe -- and that is something I see popping up in descriptions of this disorder over and over again. Lowkey explains why I had such an averse reaction to the few therapy sessions I've tried, as well. Like I know I need help?? but I could not stand the experience at all and have no motivation to try it again. I also have elaborate fantasy worlds, that I *know* I rely on as a coping mechanism. I feel through my characters, I experience comfort and love through THEIR interactions; it's rare that I feel anything on my own power, and when I do it's usually just irritability. I don't think I was always like this? I know when I was a child that I *wanted* closeness, I *wanted* friends, but then at some point along the way I guess I just decided it wasn't worth it..? My childhood was, admittedly, a mess and there's definitely emotional neglect and covert narcissistic abuse at home, and bullying at school, and feeling like I couldn't depend on anybody but myself, but I can't pinpoint the exact time when that switch flipped and I stopped caring. Maybe around the time I went to basic? I know it doesn't really change the fact that I ID as asexual because--I am. I don't experience attraction to my knowledge. I don't really have a "preference" because...I don't find anyone "hot". And I never have. I understand, through strict observation, what conventional attractiveness looks like, but it doesn't affect me in any way. I'm still pretty sure that the few "crushes" I had in highschool was me just trying to fit in. And yet. I still feel like I'm somehow letting down the community by falling into this weird stereotype that there's something *wrong* with asexuals that *make* them the way they are, and that really bothers me.

[bpdamn]

How do u know that u are schizoid?

i haven’t been diagnosed yet (cause i haven’t mentioned it to my psych) so idk if i’m schizoid. i just think i might be cause i meet the criteria. like, i’m not interested in friendships or relationships. i have “friends”, but i’m not close to them and i prefer to be alone. it’s hard for me to show- or even talk about how i feel. also, i don’t really have any hobbies. i like art and i like to skate, but i’m not invested in anything. honestly it’s complicated and very confusing. i just feel detached for some reason and it has always been this way. maybe i am schizoid, but maybe those things are caused by anxiety and bpd.. i can’t tell

[wxldchxld]

rant under the cut. not tumblr related. i just need to vent for a second.

So I’ve got something called schizoid personality disorder as well as CPTSD and sensory processing issues. This can make me both incredibly socially awkward, as well as just... not in the mood for other people for extended periods of time. It’s one of the reasons almost all my friendships are online, because it’s just easier for me that way.

One thing that kills me is just how often people are like “well why don’t you communicate what you need from people?” or “how can people know how to help if you don’t tell them?” And it’s because after a lifetime of poor social interactions with other people I’ve learned they don’t fucking like that. It doesn’t matter if they know EXACTLY what issues you struggle with and how they make you feel, in that moment, people have been consistently offended by me trying to communicate with them.

For example, I have days when, for whatever reason, I can’t take the sound of people talking and being in my space. Like even someone I love just existing in the same space as me spikes my anxiety sky high and it turns to this weird kind of resentment because goddamn it why can’t I just be left alone. Even the sound of my own voice irritates me.

This week I’ve had a lot of those days, and yesterday my mother and grandmother were just downstairs making a bunch of noise, being super hyper. My mom is calling me. I hang up on her, hoping to signal I’d like to be left alone. So she comes barreling up the stairs with the dogs, clapping her hands and singing really loud, bursts into my space and flops on the bed to start talking to me. Again. She’s being super loud. And I know for a fact telling her she’s being loud and obnoxious won’t end well.

So instead I try responding in a very low, gentle tone, hoping again that she might understand the vibe I’m going for. She continues to ask me questions and be hyper, asking me if I’d like to go all of these places. Finally I tell her no, I don’t want to, and she asks me if I’m sick or something because I’m whispering. In my nicest voice I tell her that I just feel like she’s being really loud. I didn’t say be quiet, I didn’t tell her to leave. She backed me into a corner by asking me, and then she got mad at me because she didn’t like my response.

And this is a pretty common occurrence between me and other people. The thing is, I think I’m pretty articulate, and I don’t hide my emotions well. So I’m to the point where I really do wonder: am I actually socially awkward or do the people around me only think about themselves and ignore every cue I give.

Am I wrong to feel a little justified in my anger/irritation? Should I really have to hand hold every single person and explain every single thing, wait for them to get inevitably angry with me and accuse me of being rude/insensitive for doing the thing they asked me to do? Like... Should I have to say every. single. thing. I know I’m hyper aware of people’s behavior because of a history of trauma, I get that not everyone is going to be constantly on edge like I am, but a little piece of me feels like it’s just common human decency to take five seconds to consider that maybe not everyone feels the way they do?

Idk. I know I’m a grouchy old bitch. I’ve made my peace with that. But like... can you blame me???