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thewertsearch · 1 month

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Ask Comp 12/8

@williamjakespeare asked: One of the recent posts concludes that the circumstances around Vriska's god tiering were "so much worse than anything I thought was going to happen" and I'm curious. What exactly did you think was going to happen?

Back before I knew how God Tier ascension worked, my theory was that Vriska's Quest Bed might grant her access to a special dream moon, and that Tavros's presence there might throw some sort of spanner into the works. I wasn't sure what kind of spanner, and my theories were very vague.

Vriska's a huge taskmaster, and I thought she might have given him an instruction that he was unwilling or unable to carry out. Like, maybe she told him to leave her God Tier Moon, and he was unwilling to abandon her to a fate he didn't understand.

I guess I was right. In the end, she did give him an instruction he couldn't carry out.

Anonymous asked: For the kid who was the most vocal about her 'distaste' for their guardian, having Mom be the reason that Rose snaps is actually very sweet, in a sad way. ~DJ

The above line from Rose implies that she had a lot more affection for her mother than she was letting on.

Their relationship was complicated, but if Rose viewed her as a sister, I think there had to have been some camaraderie between the two. We just never saw it on-panel, because the narrative began on the most stressful day of Mom Lalonde's life.

@elkian asked: So, fun fact about that time John joked about rescuing Rose from the Broodfesther Throes and you were going "yes it's a joke BUT IT'S ALSO SERIOUS JOHN!!!": Hussie's author note for that page is almost verbatim your reaction. Homestuck is as serious as it is silly and typically both at once.

Every time Hussie and I share the same thought, a subtle chill runs down my spine.

@gl1tchypyr0 asked: In regards to the thing about LOWAA potentially corrupting Eridan, itd be a little smart to remember what Sollux said in his conversation with Terezi about a prophet has to go blind to earn their stripes or how an angel earns its wings, Sollux states that 'angels are terrible feathery demons that paradox space uses to usher in the end' and Eridan was actually killing them even if he wasn't Supposed to. If you really think about it I actually kinda find it sad? If he was already a troubled individual Before Sgrub and then was on a planet of 'terrible feathery demons' that whisper prophecies in his earfins for an entire month that he was made to feel he Had to kill, honestly it makes me nervous imagining just how many doomed timelines there are where Eridan snapped far earlier. Not to mention the fact he's also on the Blue Team ie Derse players ie most susceptible to waking up in his sleep and seeing tentacles and eyeballs staring back at him (not that he wouldn't be /used to that/ back on alternia with his job of feeding glybgolyb so Feferi wouldn't have to). Not really defending eridan but just, food for thought kinda? About how LOWAA might have affected him enough for Doc Scratch to bring up such a hypothetical. The idea that Eridan was already pretty bad before the inevitable Sgrub trauma and then LOWAA made thinks /worse/.

Oh, don't get it twisted - Eridan's just as much of tragedy as any of the other trolls. He's certainly written to be less sympathetic, but he didn't deserve to be raised in the Alternian Empire. Just like Vriska and Equius, he could have been a much better person, if only he was raised in a less violent and oppressive culture.

Of course, he could still be an asshole if he was born on Earth - but at least he'd have a chance to be better. Alternia stacks the deck against you in ways that simply aren't fair.

@galaxa-13 asked: It is very satisfying watching you pick apart everything Doc Scratch says without playing his game. Rose wishes she could, but unfortunately she is a child and not as smart as she pretends to be. Usually it's fun to watch people theorize because of what they don't know, so it's extra fun when someone as smart as you doesn't have the pieces I already do. Just chortling to myself, "Oh ho ho, just you wait!" @elkian asked: I may have sent this before but I ADORE your Doc Scratch dissertations. What few liveblogs (and fandom during/after the run) I've followed have other strengths and focuses, so these moments where you stop everything to shred his dialogue to see if fhere's even a GRAIN of truth are novel and absolutely fascinating. I think you've done the most thorough analyses of any 1 of his convos let alone all of them and I'm here for it. Rip that shady motherfucker apart! :D

Despite myself, I am enjoying puzzling out the true meaning of what he says. I've just got to remember that he is fully capable of lying.

I do think, on balance, that there is some hidden meaning to his words - it's just hard to find. His '50% chance of ascending' statement is definitely foreshadowing something, I just can't figure out what. I think it has something to do with the reboot session, but I'm waiting to learn more about the reboot before I really start theorizing about it.

Anonymous asked: In case the 7 Gates haven’t been fully explained yet — the Gates over a player’s house are all either entry (transport to somewhere on their planet) or exit (destination of a gate on the planet of the previous player in the chain). Using John as example: Build to gate 1, which takes him somewhere on LOWAS. Find gate 2 elsewhere on LOWAS, this will take him to the matching gate over Rose’s house — build up to her gate 3, which will lead to somewhere on LOLAR, then find the planet’s gate 4, etc.

Here's my old interpretation of the Gate system, from way back in Act 4. I'm fully in agreement with you about John's path here - the problem is that when you use it to extrapolate Rose's path, things start to fall apart.

See, this ordering method implies that in a four-player chain, your own Seventh Gate is located on the Land preceding yours, rather than your own. This means that Rose's Seventh Gate is the one that got John killed on LOWAS - the one which leads to his Denizen. It additionally implies that John's Seventh Gate should have been on Jade's Land instead. It's all very confusing.

Anonymous asked: Something I love about how this god-tier immortality system is described, however it works, is that "remaining neutral" will PROBABLY keep you alive… but when you think about it, remaining neutral means not making a REAL DIFFERENCE. As a God, if you want to make a difference in the world around you -- good or bad -- you have to be willing to stake your life on it.

True! It's an interesting balancing mechanism, where each God Tier has to decide whether their life is more valuable than their personal agency. Gods who avoid Heroic and Just situations are almost invincible, but they're also completely ineffectual.

I'd obviously try to game the system somehow, but the vague, subjective definitions of Heroic and Just make this a difficult system to game.

@spyril4132 asked: with the reveal of the heroic-just system, there's now a reason you might not want to god tier immediately: sacrificing one of your selves for a heroic cause and then doing what aradia did (but intentionally)

Good point. Although, I'm not sure I'd want to rely on the Quest Slab for my resurrection - at least, not yet. We don't really know the rules are, and how they differ from normal Quest Bed rules.

Anonymous asked: "I don't really care if Paradox Space sanctions his actions - he needs to be taken down, and if that upsets the natural order, then it's time for a new natural order." i think you for sure lean more lifeways on the life/doom player axis lol. oh, the laws of the multiverse say death is inevitable? well, that fucking sucks and i hate it, so i'm gonna wedge myself into the cracks and loopholes and *make* it evitable one day at a goddamn time, life finds a way motherfucker.

Life finds a way, motherfucker!

I actually find both Life and Doom fairly interesting, as Aspects go. I think, at this point, I'm committed to giving one to my kidsona, and the other to my trollsona.

If another Aspect ends up catching my eye, we'll have to start workshopping a Carapaciansona!

Anonymous asked: I think you got it kinda twisted what's going on with Rose. Yes she is slightly corrupted by the Horrorterrors powers/boons and Scratch's… Sheer Existence. But in her mind, she's doing this to Save her session, so if she does go God Tier and gets killed, her death wouldn't be Just, it would probably be Heroic. As she probably would've died tryong to save her session, which would cancel out the corruption from Scratch and Horrorterrors. Either way she still dies, but it's the difference in Why she dies that's important. […]

See, this is the whole problem, isn't it? These terms are incredibly subjective.

I personally think Rose's attempt to save her session is extremely Heroic - but Skaia couldn't possibly approve of her assault on the game, so I don't think it would cancel out her Horrorterror corruption. Sburb itself is probably the last word on what qualifies as a Just death, so I think that's what she'd get tagged as, if she died as a God Tier in the Green Sun's explosion.

I'm also not sure if getting tagged as Heroic would cancel out a Just tag. They're not necessarily opposites - Vriska, for example, is designed to have a controversial alignment, and could easily die in a way that counts as both.

@ben-guy asked: Small correction, you referred to the Alternian empire as "intergalactic" when it only exists within one galaxy as far as I'm aware. Yes, kind of a silly nitpick, and one that I could be wrong about, but I happen to enjoy thinking about the comparative scale of space faring societies lol. If there is a quote contradicting that, I'd like to see it! Pretty sure it's merely a galactic empire tho :)

Nah, that's fair - that's the kind of nitpick I'd point out, too.

Galaxy, singular. I think I parsed the Empire as intergalactic because massively faster-than-light travel is clearly possible in this setting, via time manipulation. We don't actually know if Alternia had access to time manipulation before Sgrub - but Earth seemingly did, so who knows?

@abacusdictator asked: Found your liveblog a few days ago and furiously binged it. Happy to find another Homestuck liveblog! Especially one I can see happen in-progress! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

Thanks - and you're certainly coming in at an interesting time!

Anonymous asked: Scratch "chooses not to lie," but he also has the privileged position of knowing in advance that Rose will misunderstand what the Scratch is, leading to her doing what he wants. If he knew that not lying wouldn't get him what he wants, or even if he didn't know for certain that it would, would he lie? If so, that basically means it's pointless to try to figure out his true meanings, because if you succeed, he'll have retroactively lied about it anyway.

Yeah, this is pretty much my take.

Does it really matter if he 'doesn't lie' if he can foresee all the truths that will mislead you? When you're playing at his level, the actual truth of your statements barely matters.

@skelekingfeddy asked: to my knowledge this has never been commented on by hussie, but i feel like doc scratch doesnt lie in part because he was made from the cueball. its a fortune telling device that predicts the future with remarkable precision and accuracy. you wouldnt expect it to lie, would you? its just that the difference between scratch and the cueball is that he can pick and choose WHICH truths to reveal at which moments. (his penchant for jokes thus probably comes from cal (‘haa haa hee hee hoo hoo’) i feel like him never lying is also a way to feed his own ego. its a self-imposed(!!!!) restriction, and yet despite it he effortlessly plays everyone like fiddles. and he KNOWS it. he CHOOSES never to lie. he VOLUNTARILY hands the people he manipulates an advantage on a goddamn silver platter, and he STILL wins. ‘Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win?’ hes so fucking smug. what a pompous dipshit. i love him Anonymous asked: I think that when Scratch say he don't lie, he mean it, and not because of some vilainous valor but out of sheer ego. Scratch is prideful, he love beating other by "playing with cards face up" and tricking them with exact word, he doesn't tell the truth because it's "honorable", he tell the truth because he doesn't need to lie to win.

Also, this. He's just a smug fuck.

Do we know for sure if the cueball is always truthful, actually? Scratch heavily implies it here, but he's only stating it as a hypothetical.

Anonymous asked: Scratch is like a fae, he doesn't lie but you better watch out how he word what he say.

I'd be so screwed against the fae. Not because I couldn't parse their statements, but because I'm only halfway competent with human social customs, let alone weird alien ones.

@manorinthewoods asked: Honestly, I think it's great for his character if Scratch is actually completely dead of emotion inside, possibly even thoughts, and is just near-mindlessly carrying out the necessary parts of his role in the story so that his desired outcome is achieved. He's omniscient, he doesn't need to think. On the other hand, he does seem to have experienced genuine emotion, on occasions… ~LOSS (24/7/24)

A pseudo-omniscient character, mindlessly following the optimal path to their ultimate goal? This smells suspiciously like a Certified Contessa Moment...

Anonymous asked: In the trolls game all the trolls got to see and speak to their lusi after they died because they put them in the sprites. Meaning Gamzees dad coming back wouldn’t get him sober. Ideally Gamzee would be able to interact with his dad way more then he ever had in the past because his dad now had to guid him as his sprite.

Fair point. Although, we know that prototyping tends to affect your personality, and shifts your priorities towards guiding your Player through the game.

Goatsprite's sprite knowledge might have informed him that Gamzee needed to be on Sopor Slime, or game would become unwinnable.

@heliotropopause asked: "Well, no! That’s the problem! The cueball’s omniscience is completely redundant, because the MEOW code already contains an omniscience gene! According to the Scratch loredump, any ‘intelligent’ host for the MEOW code will be granted near-omniscience. Scratch didn’t need the cueball," I think it's worth considering the what exactly he meant with that- it seems perfectly plausible that the teleportation-based powerset established for bequerel would make an intelligent agent very good at observation, either by physically hopping around, or by teleporting light around to see distant places, or by sending out telekinetic "feelers"; we know bec has the capability to separately manipulate individual objects in physical contact from afar. None of this would give him knowledge of the future, or of physically disjoint spaces like the human session, so the cueball is not at all redundant.

It's possible. See, this is another situation where we're really being hampered by our small sample size. We've only seen two First Guardians, and only one of them has been a 'standard' First Guardian, unaltered by HONK. As such, we don't really know how First Guardian clairvoyance is supposed to function.

Another Guardian with human-level intelligence is desperately needed, for science. It's almost enough to make me want the Scratched Guardian of Earth to be made from a human...

@manorinthewoods asked: As an alternative explanation for the double-omniscience problem, one could say that the cueball, in being used to create Scratch, retroactively and conceptually gained his omniscience - so effectively, any use of a cueball allows you to attune to Scratch's awareness (as long as he's alive, perhaps?). This would subsequently imply that First Guardians are all linked to their components - for instance, there would be some link between Bec and all dogs, or specifically Halley. ~LOSS (23/7/24)

As this ask points out, I might just be drawing the causal arrows in the wrong direction. If the cueball is omniscient because of Scratch, rather than the other way round, then there's really only one root cause for his clairvoyance.

I'm not sure why it would work like that, but I do like the idea of Colonel Sassacre running around the early 1900s with a suspiciously powerful dog.

@manorinthewoods asked: The link between 'Skaia's final gate of defense' and 'first to find Alternia' is something I just didn't notice (because I didn't really pay attention to the words and botched my experience by not watching the Flashes), but it would imply, to me, that the gates run in reverse order, Skaia to World - first meteor in, last meteor out. This would mean that the moon which dropped on Jade was the last meteor to hit […]Skaia. ~LOSS (23/7/24)

Hey, good catch!

Jade's meteor was the last to arrive on Earth. By this logic, wouldn't it have been the first thing to leave the session, rather than the last?

That makes a sort of sense, actually. A meteor this enormous would dwarf the entire Incipisphere, so the game would probably want it out of the picture as soon as possible.

@manorinthewoods asked: You seem to have run with the interpretation that all First Guardians run on the same fundamental genetic code, identical to MEOW but using different letters. Not really how I thought of it - I interpret that every FG's code is different, although I also didn't think too hard about the FGs. No reason that they'd necessarily all have to have the same genetic code - after all, Bec's a dog and Scratch's a Scratch. You'd only really need a single gene to code for Green Sun powers… ~LOSS (23/7/24)

It does say they share a genetic sequence, rather than an entire genome. Becquerel presumably contains some dog DNA - the 'host' - which is absent in Scratch, so their genome can't be identical.

Unlike Becquerel, Scratch's hosts were entirely synthetic. They didn't have DNA - which, to me, implies that his entire genome is just an amalgamation of the BR8K H34DS T1CK T0CK HONK sequences. His DNA is just the First Guardian sequence, plus whatever is in HONK.

...what the hell is in HONK, then? If it's DNA, it has to come from some living thing, and I have a horrible feeling that Gamzee spliced his own DNA into the sequence. Why else would he call it HONK?

@skelekingfeddy asked: ‘…the fucking bow-tie! He’s wearing Cal’s Alternian clothes! The proof’s been staring us in the face this entire time, and we were none the wiser!’ look at what regular cal is wearing underneath his blue ‘CAL’ shirt :)

My guy's been pulling the long con.

@morganwick asked: "#but now that i have an antimatter pellet I can feed it to my bees. they can create nuclear waste honey without all the fission rigmarole" Minecraft, Sollux style. (Or maybe Minecraft, Problem Sleuth style?)

Sollux would be a Productive Bees specialist, wouldn't he? That, alongside every computer mod in existence.

@elkian asked: Sorry if I'm the 80th person to mention this but Vriska's 8r8k could also refer to the act of shooting the cue ball at the group of pool balls at the start of a game, known as a "break". @ben-guy asked: Fun fact: In pool terms, the "8r8k" actually refers to the opening shot that sends all the balls flying everywhere. Additional fun fact: The game of pool has a history of being used as a metaphor for causality, which lends some interesting metaphorical weight to Doc Scratch as a cue ball.

Oh, that's true - pool balls are often used as an analogy when talking about causality. Surprising that that's never occurred to me before.

I like to think that when the Felt storm a rival gang's lair as a group, they call their maneuver The Break.

@manorinthewoods asked: Oh my god, Aradia uses Jack to go to the Green Sun. That's such a cool detail. It's so fast, I didn't even see it. To be fair, although the timing is ridiculously impressive, Aradia is both a god and specifically a god of time. Although it's never stated, perfect timing is an obvious power for Time God Tiers to have, which does mean that Aradia would be a half-Flechette. ~LOSS (18/7/24)

And Kanaya's a fashion designer, too. Aradia x Kanaya when?

Anonymous asked: Hey, unfortunately the reqs list link seems to be janked out on my mobile client so I hope this is ok but if you haven't already heard of it I highly highly reccomend Jon Bois' 17776: What Football Will Look Like In the Future It's about football in the same sort of way that homestuck is about video games

Love that story - and I still have to read the sequel, actually!

Anonymous asked: Forwarding another question from the person without a Tumblr account: ~DJ. [I think the change in Equis and Nepeta's behavior is explained by "being together and solving problems together for a long time was great for Equius' and Nepeta's relationship" and "the destruction of Alternia helped Equius realize some facets of Alternian culture he believed where false" (because unlike Eridan he is able to change his mind about stuff like this). - RM]

I really want to see what Equius and Nepeta got up to for a month, as well as all the other trolls. It'd be great to get an 'untold stories of Homestuck' anthology at some point - and hopefully, that's something we'll see in some of Homestuck's tie-in media.

Anonymous asked: I’ve been thinking about Bec prototyping himself and I think I’ve got an answer that works for me - not necessarily the whole answer or the only answer, but I think it’s got something. Basically, Bec knows he can’t / shouldn’t get rid of the meteor entirely (he came down in a meteor that built the frog ruins, so even if we’re just going off what he’s experienced we can say that he probably on some level understands that these meteors landing is important) but he also understands he doesn’t have the type of power or the finesse with that power to only delay it until Jade can take the shot. After all, he could’ve just teleported the living room junk to a different part of the house, but he sent it into deep space because his doggy brain can only deal in absolutes when it comes to perceived danger to his best friend, and the only power we’ve seen First Guardians use (to my recollection) that would in any way help with slowing the meteor is teleportation. He can’t reliably teleport it back only far enough that it will keep falling, but won’t yet land, and he doesn’t have anything else at his disposal - except becoming a sprite, who we’ve seen use beam attacks, which allows Bec to push the meteor back as a delaying measure. Don’t know if he knew it would help so specifically, but even so, I can see Bec understanding it as the only option he has that isn’t either ‘send thing as far away as possible’ or ‘let thing squish most beloved person’. I do think the weakest parts of this theory are What Bec Understands, but puzzling through that devilbeast’s thoughts is hardly a new impossibility. If nothing else, we can all understand that he did this to save Jade, because he loves her, and we love him for that. -Megido (am a new anon, just spent the past couple days catching up and have enjoyed this liveblog immensely)

I think this theory is a good one, and Hussie's comments support it.

The meteor needed to be destroyed in a very specific way for the timeline to retain its integrity, and Bec should instinctively know that, born from Sburb as he is.

Anonymous asked: There are three lenses I think you can view troll romance through: the Xenopsychology lens, the Propaganda lens, and the Parody lens. The Xenopsychology lens is that trolls do in fact experience alien emotions which cannot be felt by humans. It's not just that troll society chooses to categorize the same types of feelings and relationships that humans have differently; these are genuinely unique and original emotions, like a new color that a human couldn't imagine. Describing kismesissitude as hatemance or rivalry or abuse, or moirallegiance as bromance or besties or queer platonic partnership, or auspisticism as third wheeling or mom friending or refereeing are all fundamentally incorrect, because there is no human analogue. You can take this a step further and say that matespritship is also fundamentally different from human romance, even if it appears similar. Therefore all attempts to analyze or write troll romance should be forays into xenofiction, attempting to understand things within a nonhuman framework. The Propaganda lens is that actually troll emotions aren't really any different than human ones, but the quadrant system benefits the hemocasteist militaristic empire by keeping trolls divided enough to become either fucked up killers or submissive victims by the time they reach maturity, but have the minimum support structure needed to actually reach maturity. Kismesissitude is fundamentally unhealthy, auspisticism serves as a counterbalance to keep everyone from killing each other, and moirallegiance serves to prevent trolls from having multiple close friendships or from being fully open with their matesprit by arbitrarily sequestering who it’s appropriate to have certain positive interactions with. None of this is really romance except the one that’s analogous to human romance, but trolls are raised to buy into the system under threat of death. It’s hard to form community and contemplate uprising if everyone confines the meaningful relationships in their life to like 4-5 other people, half of which are based on negative interactions. Also it’s a commentary on how human rules about love and relationships and where the platonic ends and romantic or sexual starts are socially enforced rather than wholly natural and can be arbitrary and unhealthy. Anonymous asked: The Parody lens is that this is all Hussie making fun of fandom shipping tropes. All sufficiently devoted rivalries are actually romantic love. All sufficiently strong friendships are actually romantic love. These two are so hopelessly oblivious to the fact that they actually want to get with the guy they hate, or that the other person they think just wants to be friends actually feels the same way, they need a third party to push them together. (Okay this one doesn’t work because auspisticism seems to basically be the opposite of that? Maybe auspisticism is supposed to be like, contrived elimination of competing romantic options to assure an OTP. Idk if anyone really knows what auspisticism is supposed to be, least of all Hussie.) Also because this was early 2010’s Hussie, there’s maybe a certain level on which trolls being societally obliged to polyamory and bisexuality is also making fun of shippers, although if it was I think Hussie turned around pretty quickly to actually being cool about it. Much like how light is a wave, and a particle, and a ray, all of these are true at different times. This is because the nature of Hussie's writing is that even when things are serious business, they are also jokes. And this is also why the Homestuck fandom will never agree on the correct way to understand and depict the quadrants.

Great breakdown. As you could probably predict, I lean a lot more towards the Propaganda lens, with a healthy dose of Parody mixed in.

The Xenopsychology lens isn't necessarily untrue - it's just that, as I've discussed before, the trolls read as extremely human to me. I honestly believe that if you raised a human on Alternia, they'd probably be compelled to form the same quadrants as everyone else.

I once got an ask stating that, according to Hussie, each of the quadrants are meant to be exaggerated versions of human relationship dynamics. I'd really like to check out that full quote, so if anyone's got a link, send it my way!

#asks #full liveblog #act 5.2

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talkingtothetallman · 2 years

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It led me here to This.

I think there is a sense in all of us that deep down wonders what life would be like if we had made different choices.

"What if I got that job instead of my current one?"

"What if I continued to date that person instead of breaking up with her?

"What if I hadn't quit that sport?"

The list could go on and on, and of course it would wildly vary between each person. I think these ideas can be healthy, provided that you don't allow them to produce a kind of discontentedness. That's not what you want.

But on the flip side, thinking up these hypothetical scenarios can (and should) lead to a gratitude to God for bringing you to the very moment that you're living in, down to the most recent breath. It's when you truly sit down and realize that every little thing in your life led to this moment right now that really cause you to stare into space, in awe that the God of the universe really is over every aspect of your life.

Well, at least that's how I sometimes do it. Whether you stare into space or not is entirely up to you.

Last week, the pastor's son came up to me with questions about speedcubing. He's been getting into it, and since he knew I was a sort of aficionado in the topic, he consulted me. I told him I'd bring some some for him next Sunday, and he told me he'd bring his cube. Fast forward a week, and we're standing in the crowded foyer. As he watched me do some killer moves on his cube, he incredulously looked at me and asked, "How can you do that so well?!" To which I replied, "Lots and lots of practice."

I paused and looked at him. "You know, looking back on it now, though speedcubing is really cool and ton of fun, I wish I had put all that time into learning how to play the piano." I glanced up towards the sanctuary and motioned towards the old brown piano that was played every Sunday. "Not that cubing isn’t cool, but learning the piano is a much more useful skill."

I'll be the first to say that the above conversation isn't a verbatim copy and paste from the actual dialogue, but the main point is there. I love that I know how to solve the Rubik's cube, and admittedly a lot faster than the vast majority of the world. And yet, at the same time, does it really matter?

We all spend time indulging in various activities. Some might even consider those activities to be wasteful or worthless. And others praise you for those same activities because they are much better than the alternatives. In the case of me, I spent a lot of time practicing speedcubing, making YouTube videos of cubes, and interacting with other cubers online. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of hours poured into memorizing algorithms, researching cubes, watching cubing videos. Truly a deep hobby! So based on the statement I told the pastor's son above, you might think I regret it, right?

Wrong! Let's work down the rabbit hole: cubing got me a sponsorship at SpeedCubeShop.com to make cubing YouTube videos, my sponsorship led me to asking mom and dad to have an Instagram to promote my sponsor, which led me to make more videos and photos for my sponsor, which led to me needing music for videos, which led to me discovering instrumental EDM, which led me to discovering Owl City, which led to me become a huge Owl City nerd, which led me to repost an edit that a girl from Minnesota made, which eventually led to our friendship, which then led to us video chatting and falling in love, which led to us meeting each other in person, which let to her moving out here to be closer to me, which led to us being engaged, which led to us being married, which led to us having a baby, which led to us buying a house, which led to this very moment I'm typing to you.

Okay, take a breath. World's longest run on sentence. But I hope with that illustrates the point that everything in our lives literally leads to exactly where you are at the moment you're reading this. I think there is a beauty in that idea that we tend to overlook and forget. Even the nation of Israel in the Old Testament built altars of remembrance, so as not to forget where God had brought them from.

Ben Rector wrote a song with some lyrics that really tie into this idea of wondering how different life could be:

"Sometimes I just wonder what it would have been like If you were with me Don't worry your mind I'm not cryin' at night I just think o' you sometimes Sometimes, yeah"

Not going to lie, I love this song. I relate to it deeply in that I, too, wonder what life could be like if things had been different. And while it can be fun to think about those things, at the same time, doesn't it leave a feeling of dissatisfaction with the life God has given you? Totally speaking to myself here!

But there is another song that really hits the nail on the head: a Darius Rucker song called "This", in which the chorus goes:

"For every stoplight I didn't make Every chance I did or I didn't take All the nights I went too far All the girls that broke my heart All the doors that I had to close All the things I knew but I didn't know Thank God for all I missed 'Cause it led me here to this"

See the difference? He acknowledges the mistakes he made, the people he loved, the things he had to give up. But yet, he looks at his life and realizes that it was those times of both significance and insignificance that led him to this very moment.

I suppose I'll close with a prayer:

Father, help me to be content in every area of my life. Allow me to see how You have truly provided for me, knowing that without your workings in my life, I would have nothing. Grant me with a true spirit of contentedness, one that strives not to live in the past, but rather determines to press on towards the goal, living for You and You alone! Amen.

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tanoraqui · 5 years

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tanoraqui

Still thinking about an au in which for some reason WWX and the Wens are left to just live peacefully on the creepy death mountain - some detente wherein they don’t leave the mountain ever and in exchange no one tries to visit ever. Borders patrolled by corpses and sect disciples. So A-Yuan grows up raised kind of collectively but mostly by WWX and Wen Qing (the one most likely to tell WWX that he’s doing it wrong), and learns healing-focused spiritual cultivation AND demonic cultivation, and then at some point starts sneaking out to be the terrifying force of righteous kindness he was always going to be

tanoraqui

Righteous kindness but also, like, having picked up WWX’s cavalier confidence (or at least some of the ability to fake it) and Wen Qing’s general attitude of Do No Harm But Take No Shit

Like IMAGINE

tanoraqui

In this au, despite the strict border-by-mutual-agreement that’s the only reason somehow no ones tried to attack, LWJ sneaks in like one a year so he and WWX can make eyes at one another but not actually say anything ever, and Wen Qing and LXC are both EXHAUSTED bc both their dumb little brothers (WWX is a sibling by adoption now don’t @ me) mope for like a week after EVERY SINGLE TIME THIS HAPPENS, and it’s been /over ten years/.

tanoraqui

Meanwhile Jiang YanLi and JZX are FINE, and JYL somehow keeps up some sort of correspondence with WWX - or at least, he’s faithfully managed to send a birthday present for Jin Ling every single year, and every time, JYL makes her son write a thank-you note and bribes some series of people to get it smuggled back to Yiling

tanoraqui

...which means, honestly, that Jin Ling is probably wildly curious about his uncle the evil demonic cultivator kept trapped within the terrible ghost mountain by the forces of Good and Right, and WILL sneak out one day to try to visit. Optimally, obviously, at the same time Wen Yuan is sneaking out to see the non-mountain world

tanoraqui

The optimal plot is that Wen Yuan ropes Jin Ling into helping him set up WWX and LWJ, because he, too, is exasperated at this point, and Jin Ling ropes Wen Yuan into arranging like a parent trap reunion for the Jiang siblings, and obviously there are monsters and undead to complicate it all

tanoraqui

They kind of acquire Lan Jingyi somewhere, somehow. He’s having a blast

There is a 100% chance that the first Adult(TM) to find them is Wen Ning and they just kind of rope him into whatever the hell is going on at the time

...you know what, I think this is just a good au where JGY fucking died at some point

tanoraqui

Maybe someone threw him down the stairs again and he just broke his fucking neck. WWX is still vilified but between Jiang Cheng not really wanting to attack and Jiang (Jin?) Yanli being AGGRESSIVELY against it, and dragging JZX along with her, they’re left in peace.

tanoraqui

Oh man and Jin Ling has YOUNGER SIBLINGS in this...

Hey for u: Jiang Cheng/Wen Qing can accidentally happen while the Teens are trying to get everyone else to meet

Today at 8:42 AM

@professorsparklepants

I love this it's so goddamn wacky

tanoraqui

I just want teenager-based shenanigans ft. surprisingly competent teenagers and all the adults running around like chickens with their heads chopped off

professorsparklepants

Jingyi: why are you two more calm about this than the literal adults

Wen Yuan: have you met my dad?

tanoraqui

Also to be clear it is not at all hard to convince Wen Ning to join Team: Teenage Shenanigans, bc literally ANYONE in the Burial Mountain village would probably be down if you were like, “we’re engaged in a conspiracy to make Wei Wuxian fucking admit that he’s in love with that Lan guy who visits a couple times a year”

professorsparklepants

"This is my father, and this is his sugar daddy."

tanoraqui

I kinda wanna say he goes by “Wen Yuan” more often bc he’s 100% the baby of the entire remaining Wen clan there, but his adult name or w/e it’s called IS Wen Sizhui, because WWX asked LWJ if he had any suggestions and LWJ said this while maintaining eye contact

professorsparklepants

OH MY GOOOOOOD

tanoraqui

They meet LXC and he figures out what’s going on in like 4 minutes, despite the teens’ best attempts at obfuscation, and instead of calling anyone’s parents is like, “okay, I’m in”

professorsparklepants

#1 wingman...

tanoraqui

Jin Ling and Wen Yuan are definitely both traveling under false names, too? Wen Yuan obviously can’t admit to being a Wen and Jin Ling is making a privileged but slightly helicoptered teen’s rebellious bid for freedom

professorsparklepants

His dad is panicking at home and Yanli is like "boys need their freedom :)"

I saw a post forever ago about how Yanli would be the most hands off parent & Zixuan is an only child who would panic every time his kid fell down

tanoraqui

With a side order of “my mother is the only one who’ll say nice things about the Yiling Patriarch and she always looks sad when she does so I’m going to sneak into the Burial Mountain and either drag him out to see her or force my parents to come get me”

professorsparklepants

"I'm gonna beat up the Yiling Patriarch" "why" "he made my mom sad" "okay proceed"

tanoraqui

^ actual real conversation with WenYuan

professorsparklepants

A-Yuan then repeats the same thing to Wen Qing and she has the exact same answer, verbatim

tanoraqui

Side note: Wen Yuan has never been scared of the undead in his entire life, and probably this will lead to getting into severely life-threatening situations when he doesn’t have more backup than 2 other teenagers

professorsparklepants

Oh absolutely

professorsparklepants

He's so used to tuning out the sound of sentry corpses that one jumps on him and almost punches his lungs out

tanoraqui

Also what if he took WWX’s sword, so he looks like a proper normal cultivator - honestly, what if WWX gave him the sword when he turned 12, or whenever one customarily gives a child a sword in this world. He also has a flute stashed in his robe somewhere but he does know how to use both

tanoraqui

But also, while obviously it’s very important that this is the sword he inherited from his father, it’s never OCCURRED to him to, like, strongly associate it with WWX, in terms of “this would be a recognizable weapon”? Chenqing the flute, obviously, but WWX just left the sword on a shelf all the time

professorsparklepants

He's very good at fooling people into thinking he's a normal rogue cultivator until he busts out the flute

LOL YES

tanoraqui

So the first time someone looks at him and is like, “That is WWX’s sword” he achieves, like, “Who’s Morales? [NOT THAT DUMB]” levels of blank-brained

professorsparklepants

It like, doesn't even occur to him that this stick named whatever will be recognizable to people until it actually happens

"this is the Yiling Patriarch's sword!" "... I've never heard of him"

tanoraqui

“What sword?”

professorsparklepants

KDJAKSNJS

tanoraqui

“Oh, THIS sword? I...found it. In a stream.”

tanoraqui

Also...at some point...once the teens have admitted their identities to one another...and possibly gotten into a couple other increasingly public shenanigans...they run into a bunch of concerned people searching from the Jin or even Jiang sect - JC being there would be PERFECT - and Jin Ling is like, “aaahh, no, I don’t want to be dragged home... kidnap me.”

WY: what?

JL: pull out the flute, summon a couple corpses, shout that you’re the dread son of the Yiling Patriarch, and pretend to kidnap me

WY: ...yeah okay

AND THEN THEY DO THAT

professorsparklepants

The dumbass energy...... off the CHARTS

tanoraqui

They’re 15 and neither of them has ever faced consequences but in...actually not too different ways

They’re 15 and neither of them as ever faced consequences nor most of the real world

Oh my god is Lan Jingyi the most sensible person here

They’re going to DIE

professorsparklepants

JXHAKAJAKKQHSJA

JC and Yanli immediately see through this probably

"dumbass kid just doesn't want to go home. I'll break his legs."

tanoraqui

I think Yanli does but I have minimal faith in JC’s ability to think logically at any time

He’s still angry at WWX for leaving

professorsparklepants

Stomps to Yiling to demand his nephew back & wwx's like "lol, A-Yuan left two months ago"

Okay my shift is starting later

tanoraqui

/snort

Though, bold of you to assume that WWX isn’t also running around anxiously somewhere like “oh god, oh no, my son is missing; I must find him”

professorsparklepants

Sizhui is a responsible boy, I don't think he would leave without telling at least ONE person where he was going

tanoraqui

Ok but it was Wen Qing who thinks it’s good for WWX’s health to stop brooding and go run around like a headless chicken instead, optimally if he runs into his totally-not-a-boyfriend-Hahahaha-why-would-you-say-that

Alternately it was, like, Granny, which, ditto

No one on this mountain is going to stop WWX from going out to cause trouble and hopefully get laid, is my point

tanoraqui

Also, the cultivation world has been basically at peace for 13 years and the reason is that this is an ideal AU where JGY is dead and whenever trouble starts to stir politically, NHS and JYL meet eyes across the room and mentally Rock Paper Scissors over who has to manipulate everyone into calming the fuck down

Neither of them actually wants this job; they’re just good at it and recognize both those aspects in each other

professorsparklepants

LOLOLOL

That is.... so goddamn in character

tanoraqui

concept: JYL and NHS are friends and no one else understands it, or attributes it to JYL just being that nice, bc NHS still generally acts useless

professorsparklepants

Nhs actively wants to be useless and life is conspiring to make sure he can't

tanoraqui

a little less dramatically useless, but why ruin a good thing when you're having fun and it's useful

professorsparklepants

Lol

tanoraqui

but JYL fucking identified him as Actually Competent one time when he couldn't hide it, so now sometimes they get tea together and bitch about politics and stupid people

professorsparklepants

He's the only person who can correctly identify when she's talking shit about people, because it's VERY subtle and her brothers & husband are too busy thinking she hung the moon to notice

tanoraqui

JYL striding into Nie sect HQ (whatever it's called) and tossing her coat over a chair. "You would not BELIEVE what my brothers are doing now."

NHS: *probably knows, because he's found that the minor investment of effort in maintaining a very good spy network pays major dividends in helping him avoid greater work* *immediately sits up and pours her a cup of very expensive tea* Oh, girl, dish.

professorsparklepants

Question: are they also friends with lwj...

tanoraqui

yes but he's obviously not invited to hte political gossip sessions

professorsparklepants

I'm trying to imagine lwj making eye contact with them at some meeting his brother dragged him to and both of them struggling not to break into hysterics

tanoraqui

but they both know that he sneaks into Yiling to visit WWX a few times a year, and every single time, JYL sits him down within a couple weeks and aggressively debriefs him as to her brother's condition

professorsparklepants

I'm sure she tried to get him to take treats in

tanoraqui

for sure

it's hopeless, though, bc there's no really predicting WHEN he'll go? It's basically just "every 4-6 months when LWJ's resolve breaks"

professorsparklepants

Too bad she's not a stress quilter instead of a stress baker

tanoraqui

she gets him to go at an actual arranged time, bearing pork soup, like once, for WWX's 30th birthday or something

professorsparklepants

tanoraqui

omg lit brain: LWJ of course is hte WORST for getting gossip, but JYL has pieced together a reasonable amount about the people her idiot baby brother (#2) is now living with. And she's mildly despairing as to idiot baby brother #1's ongoing refusal to get married and have an heir or three. So she, if not actively connives, then certainly siezes the first available opportunity to set Jiang Cheng up with Wen Qing

tanoraqui

basically, this au is PEAK romcom

tanoraqui

...also, for max happiness, i'd like to think that WWX made some strategic raids to rescue additional Wen refugees and bring them back, so there's a properly populated village and they didn't all just die

professorsparklepants

!!!

Good... Good thoughts

Good because 1. more people die and 2. The Yiling Patriarch will attack your village and steal your people away!

tanoraqui

(romcom being exclusively adults-focussed; the teens initiate it all but Jin Ling and Wen Yuan are both so delighted to have an Additional (But Cooler) Family Member that they comfortably cousinzone each other instantly)

professorsparklepants

*nice*

tanoraqui

...i feel like i keep characterizing Jin Ling as an only child, when really he ought to have a small horde of siblings

maybe they just...couldn't conceive more. shit happens. pregnancy is hard.

professorsparklepants

That happens sometimes

#mdzs #the untamed #ficlet #my fic #lan sizhui #jin ling #lan jingyi #(not actually here much; rip)#wen ning #wei wuxian #lan wangji #jiang yanli #nie huaisang #lan xichen #wen qing

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animegenork · 3 years

Text

Fruits Baskets Final Season Episodes 2 & 3

What? No, I didn’t watch these on the Fridays of the weeks they came out. No, I wasn’t dying from school---

Anyway, back to the grind.

Episode 2

I swear the gif search function HATES me and what I’m trying to do---

Anyway.

I would like to make this very clear. Shigure is a little bit evil. A little bit. But it’s mostly from being twisted by the zodiac curse and his strange form of love. So if you wanted to punch him this episode, that’s good. He needs to be punched. A lot. Like a lot. God, he’s so evil. Moving on.

So the episode begins with young Akito asking Shigure if he loves her. This is, as we’ve seen, something that Akito fixates on, mostly due to her father accidentally warping her with the idea of being eternally loved by the zodiac members. He responds with a very earnest love confession that sort of explains why they spend so much time together, but it also confuses things a bit, at least at first. What with the zodiac spirit, it’s unclear how much of Shigure’s love is real and how much isn’t up to him. That may factor in to whatever the hell is up with him now.

Cut to Tohru working on graduation ceremony flowers and nearly asking Shigure about breaking the curse. Of course, she can’t, because it’s hard to bring up, and she’s only seen 2 sides of Shigure at most. Naturally, he already knows what she’s thinking about, because he’s Shigure. He’s just that good.

Tohru continues to struggle even at school, when she realizes that there’s so much she knows that she probably can’t talk about with Momiji or Haru or anyone else. And since the curse is this ever-present thing to them, she’s not even sure if they’ll believe her or how they’ll react. Rin is the exception to this, of course, since she was already looking for information on it.

There are some shenanigans with the Prince Yuki Fan Club, and Tohru and Kyo are left alone (probably on purpose) by Hanajima, Uotani, and company. But I’ll get back to that in a sec.

Yuki tries to help out other classes with things, but they won’t let him because... well, uh, they think he’s too busy... and he... isn’t... I’m sorry, that’s just so funny to me. So anyway, he runs into Machi, who is being all adorable and stubborn because she wanted to say hello and chased him all over the school to do so. It’s cute, because Yuki’s not used to that much effort being put in to something for his sake. I love Machi like that UwU

Back to Tohru and Kyo, they’ve been waiting for HOURS. Tohru decides to tentatively try out her Kureno talking point, but as soon as she brings up the curse maybe being broken, Kyo tells her that hypotheticals like that are pointless (this is implied paraphrase). He does this mostly because he’s in that pit of despair of “I’m never getting out of this” but also because he doesn’t want to give himself a false hope that might never come true. Tohru, however, becomes sad, because of course she wants to save him from having to be locked away like the previous Cat. So there’s a bit of moment where she’s about to cry.

And then Kyo *sniffle* gives her a flower to make her feel better. *sobs*

Technically speaking, this scene should’ve been in the last season or SOMETHING, I honestly thought they WEREN’T going to put my FAVORITE scene in the anime, and then they did. What’s cute about this scene is how torn up Kyo is from hurting Tohru’s feelings, and how almost desperate he is to make her feel better. It’s a sweet moment, if slightly awkwardly animated, but it’s a rare Tohru and Kyo moment where they don’t even say anything and you can SEE everything they want to say. Of course, they’re interrupted, because they always are (HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT LIKE NEVER HAPPENS WHENEVER YUKI AND TOHRU HAVE A MOMENT?), but hey, I got my fluff, I am fed.

There’s brief mention of Rin and how Tohru hasn’t seen her lately, and I hate it because I know where she is.

Anyway, now on to Shigure being Shigure.

He’s torturing his poor editor again, and he walks away from what appears to have been a heated conversation with... HIS PARENTS. THEY EXIST. I dunno what it is with rarely seeing zodiac parents (besides the obvious cases of Kyo and Momiji), but there you have it. We see then that there’s a big Sohma dinner outing with Akito there, so clearly Shigure planned that. His skills of perception and foresight are serious scary, and I really wonder how the hell he developed them.

There’s a flashback to before Tohru and Kureno’s revealing conversation, and we see that Shigure hates Kureno for being so close to Akito. Of course, Kureno makes it clear that Akito doesn’t love him, that she’s always wanted.... well, he doesn’t say, but I think all of us are familiar enough with how this anime works that we know who he means. But Kureno basically wants Shigure to stop being so cold to Akito, and this is because of how much he wants to keep her happy more than any personal feelings about Shigure.

This is where it gets a bit dicey. I’ve actually got a strange fondness for this scene, if only because it sort of but also not really gets to the heart of why Shigure is the way he is.

Shigure appears in Akito’s room, and she’s basically jealous that he was out with another woman. Then she brings up his sexual relationship with his editor (nonexistent), which is rather petty, but then, when was this duo not about pettiness? The implication Akito makes is that he sleeps with every woman he meets (explains a lot). She then mentions that Shigure slept with Ren, Akito’s mother (I’m not going to touch on how screwed up that is), which is why he’s living in a house away from the main estate. Shigure acts all cool and says that was a long time ago, he’s been punished, but Akito points out that he almost wanted to leave. Which... he did, but not for any lack of love on his part. And he says that. He recalls the conversation we see at the beginning, in which he tells her he cares about her more than anyone else. Understandably, she’s frustrated, and she asks why he always tests her.

It’s because she slept with Kureno. Petty, I know.

The phone conversation comes back. Everything you need to understand about Shigure is in one sentence: “I love her so much that sometimes I want to spoil her rotten, and sometimes I want to crush her into a pulp.” This is nearly verbatim of the manga translation I read a long time ago, and it’s always stuck with me. The thing is, Akito was always told she’s special and she can do with the zodiac as she pleases (which she says directly in this episode). It seems a part of Shigure didn’t like that that extended to those that weren’t him (Kureno), and his love for her warped and twisted into this kinda toxic relationship. (Kinda, she says, as if it’s not very.) This makes him want to be kind to her, but at the same time, he wants to be mean to her and show her how much pain she’s put him through, too. It’s pettiness at its extreme, but it’s somehow more believable than other forms of petty jealousy I’ve seen.

Oh yeah, and then they have sex.

Once again, there’s brief mention of Rin, perhaps she’s in the hospital, we don’t really know. But the main part of this all is Shigure remembering that before Akito was born/in his life, he had always been sort of waiting for her, which is mostly the zodiac spirit talking but is also interesting nonetheless. How much of Shigure’s love is influenced by the zodiac curse? How much of it is him? I don’t know if we ever find that out, because frankly, the curse did a lot of things to everyone involved, including him.

I still love Shigure, don’t get me wrong, but this is SUCH an interesting episode.

Episode 3

Precisely the gif I wanted. Hehehe.

IT’S A MACHI EPISODE! AND I LOVE HER, SO THAT’S ALRIGHT!

Still pissed about Kyo’s screentime being so awful lately. ads;fkjsad;fklsda

Some student council shenangians occur as always, and it’s revealed that Nao has a crush on someone, which is why he declared Yuki to be his rival on day one. Also, Kimi is a golddigger.

Some girls come in and gossip about Machi making a mess again with one of her outbursts, and they mention a rumor about her trying to kill her brother, which is why she lives alone. Kakeru looks quite displeased to hear this, and Machi walks in on the conversation and runs away, with Yuki wanting to go after her.

Kakeru tells Yuki later that the rumor is “mostly true”--that is, that’s the story he’s been told as well. Of course, he’s wary to believe it, because while they’re not terribly close, he knows her a little better than the parents do. He then tells a story of seeing Machi making footprints in the snow, almost obsessively, and he’s not quite sure why she did it (but Kakeru has a Shigure streak, so I wonder if maybe he does know?).

So Kakeru decides to pull a sort of jerk move and visit Machi while with Yuki, and she tries to turn them away to no avail. Of course, Yuki isn’t put off by the mess, since he and Shigure used to live that way, so he’s all cheerful about it while Machi is dying in the corner. I will not talk much about the bra incident, but that was honestly the most hilarious few seconds.

Finally left alone, Machi asks why Yuki is there, assuming it’s about the rumor her classmates mentioned. She says she’s done trying to correct everybody, since no one ever seems to believe her anyway. (That is all too relatable, especially in high school.)

But Yuki doesn’t even mind. He asks something else instead: does she hate perfection? And she says yes. TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR.

Wait. My bad.

Anyway, Machi has a flashback to what I believe I’ve mentioned before, which is Machi’s mom forcing her to be perfect so that she could beat Kakeru in the succession war (England?) with her family. When that was called off, her mother would say right in front of her face (jerk) that Machi was boring. Machi asked her why she would say that when she was just trying to do what she was told. Her mother has the gall to be offended by the implication that it’s her fault (IT IS, YOU IDIOT--) and then turns around and says maybe she raised Machi wrong.

Here’s a hint: that’s not what you say to your CHILD.

Poor Machi didn’t know what to do with herself. What is she supposed to do if she’s just a “mistake” her mother made?

Yuki, in his cute way of knowing precisely what she means, tells her she’s worked hard to get where she is, and that he’s glad she’s here. She’s not used to compliments like that, and it’s a very sweet moment. That’s when she admits that she was just trying to take care of her brother, but her parents wrongly and automatically assumed she was jealous and trying to kill him (which says a lot about how god awful they are). And she’s finally able to let it out and cry with Yuki, who offers to go leave footprints in the snow with her.

My heart might’ve burst during that, not gonna lie--

I think my favorite part of the episode is the next day, during a student council meeting. A new, perfect box of chalk is placed in front of Machi, and you can see in her eyes that the perfection is about to make her snap. Yuki, knowing this, calmly reaches over and breaks a piece of chalk, ruining the “perfection” of it. It’s very sweet of him and a very cute moment for both.

Then we cut to Tohru handing Kyo a flower, which is whiplash to the previous episode I’m glad we got.

The next sequence was a bit confusing at first, as I thought we’d sort of covered this already in season one, but we get to see Motoko. She’s called Yuki out in order to tell him that he made her high school days happier, and that she truly loved him. Motoko also hopes that Yuki himself will find happiness, which I think is a nod at her recognizing Tohru’s influence on him. It’s kind of cute, because even Yuki seems to appreciate her words, and we get to cut to a nice graduation song that actually kind of made me cry.

Motoko is still in a classroom when someone finds her. It’s Nao, and it appears that she was the girl he was in love with, which I LOVE. I HOPE HE OR SHE OR THEY ARE HAPPY TOGETHER OR EVEN APART, JUST THAT HE EVENTUALLY GOT TO TELL HER OR SOMETHING AND AHHHHHH. He tells her that goodbye is not the end, and it always leads to “nice to meet you,” which is sweet for both of them, considering her graduation and his being left behind.

Then we get to meet Hiro’s baby sister, Hinata, a true cutie pie. I think I cried here, too, for different reasons.

Finally, we see Kagura having picked up Rin’s diploma (YAY SHE GRADUATED YAYYYY), and wondering where she is despite her mother’s warnings not to investigate. Hatori and Shigure are a bit suspicious, too, and we see Akito with a pair of scissors.... OwO

[I know what happened and I hate it.]

I’m glad I could finally do these, it’s been a couple of weeks of hell, to be honest. Hopefully, Fruits Basket will be back at it again and I’ll have something more to wax poetic about, haha. Thanks for reading!

#fruits basket #furuba #fruits basket final season #kyo and yuki loving hours #also tohru and machi loving hours #all day every day #i like how i highlighted these two couples with the gifs

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 4 years

Photo

Here’s the review!

THANK YOU KINDLY! Sorry it took me a while. I had a thing happening. Well… I mean… You sort of know almost more than anybody else about that. Lol.

Long Post Alert!

I didn’t want to lose any of the conversation we had in the group chat, because I will likely need fuel for later and I loved it. Starting out with what I initially said, verbatim, and screenshots of the exchange. Then, after ALL OF THAT, giving an actual reply to the emotional aspect of the review.

@shslargue I appreciate that you appreciated every little attempt I made to callback the characters!

Especially you’re the boss, because what does Simon do immediately after? Completely and utterly intrude into Grace’s privacy like he’s entitled despite her response to him trying to be close to her.

And here’s the situation… Simon’s overthinking is predominantly self-centered. He’s learned all of these things about Grace and instead of coming to the conclusion that she’s lonely and afraid, he’s come to the conclusion that he did something or that she hates *him

He’s only able to process her actions that are linked to him as something happening to him, instead of something she’s going through…

I feel like that’s an honest look at both canon and also real life. And that’s not to say that I don’t ship this version of them or that it’s negative for you to, just that he’s more troubled than people often give credit for people who aren’t inflicting blatant and horrific pain on others. Grace looks like an awful human in comparison with her lifestyle and even he is like, “Well, at least I’m not a murderer like she is” WHILE obsessing over her… A murderer.

OKAY… HERE IS MY RESPONSE, outside of that conversation… This is all basically for you and me. Hopefully nobody reads this expecting to be rewarded and just see our asses gabbing…

Starting with Tulip… I knew that I wanted her and Simon to be acquaintances/family friends. To give you my backstory on that (it isn’t necessarily important to the story, as that revolves around Grace and Simon, but I know you be caring) - Their moms met online in this support group/community for single moms. Tulip’s mom technically isn’t a single mom, as she and Tulip’s father are trying to both parent separately, but she still IS a single mom and this Simon’s dad isn’t around. So, they met online and eventually met up for get togethers and stuff, where they dragged their kids along, because that was a “trip” for them. So, they’re not related, but they came up together (even though Simon’s a little older) like distant family, almost, as we tend to get close as hell with people we meet online.

Is that somebody that you think you can care about?… See… Tulip is into programming and shit, so she’s a little more analytical minded than Simon. She wants to believe her friend is okay and curiously asking about this person, but she’s also no fool. She knows that this could be a hot ass mess, if this was somebody that he was serious about, but in addition to that, she’s not just acting like “this damaged woman is gonna hurt my family friend.” She’s also like… “Simon… This is not how we handle getting to know people and I don’t want to be a part of anything dysfunctional that you have going on.”

The red flags… I began with a quote from Bojack Horseman that sliced and diced me and my ex up into a gajillion pieces whenever it came on. That owl that Bojack was dating had said something like, “Whenever you see life through rose colored glasses, red flags just look like flags.” Me and Jonaya’s asses were both in tears. Lol. BUT… With somebody like Grace, she just sees red flags all of the time. She was raised by criminals and abusers. Everything was a red flag. When she got out, nothing has ever been easy and she’s still full of rage. She’s still out for blood. So rose colored glasses might make red flags just look like flags, but with Grace’s always seeing red, all flags look like red flags.

This is who grew up to be Heath, btw. I have most of the kids assigned to a number in my notes/plans, but the only ones that I’ve brought in so far are him, Xander

And Jalicia

Of course, I’ve mentioned Lucy, but she’s got a name, so you know her. And Todd and Hazel are already dead in the story…

Okay. Let’s talk about the things about Grace and Simon that are relatable/scary… Because the things that are relatable are meant to be, because while its scary to relate and identify with a stalker and a murderer… all stalkers and murderers are people. They all have had childhoods, feelings, thoughts, etc, and most of them have been relatable at some point or another. It doesn’t mean that we’re like them when we relate, just that we can have some type of empathy for them. They’re people. That’s something that I think writers sometimes ignore… these are characters and we’re getting them to do what we want them to, but at the core of each character is a human being.

Ahhhh… The Grace Shrine… He’s lost it, hasn’t he? The ability to excuse things is out the window. What will he even do next, if he’s began to get this far away from normalcy?

I love on a story level that you want them together. Polyglot had said something along the lines of “I guess they’re made for each other” or go good together… something. Idk. I’m paraphrasing… but… I enjoy that they can be that. That we’ve decided that this situation is janked up, but we’re like, but let’s see where they’re going with this mess. 😂😂😂

Thanks for the review. I don’t think my next response will be this intense, if you should choose to bless me with another one in the future.

#long post #other folks reviews #People Watching #Chat w/ Nesha #shslargue #Nesha Fanfiction #submission

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nisaadventures · 4 years

Text

One year...

9/2/2020

Who needs sleep… I can’t right now… I’m no stranger to not being able to sleep. Stuck flowing in and out of tears… Remembering.

What happened a year ago?

One of her texts had come through the previous day… September 1, 2019 @ 10:42… “Doing good baby. Love you”

The texts prior were August 30th, prior to launch. “We’re here baby.” - Letting me know they arrived in Santa Barbara safely… and “Night baby. I love you.”

In between were some cute GIFs of stitch, a bunny texting hearts, a kawaii kitty giving another a kiss on the cheek… Cute things.

I don’t like to think about a year ago… The days ran together… Time felt hazy.

Kuya called me… It was around 8am. The call actually woke me up. I had the day off for Labor Day.

Its not good… Do you know what boat Mom and Michael were on? Christina called me and told me there was a boat accident on the news… - Okay I don’t remember the verbatim… but these were the main points.

As I calmly… and frantically… go to Michael’s office to look through papers… look on the computer…

To put this into context…

This same thing happened to me when Auntie Felisa passed… It was December of 2018… I was in Bali with Michael, Mom, and Evan… My phone was going off at 4am? Bali time… and it was Kuya… Calling me with the terrible news that Auntie Felisa had unexpectedly passed… and I then had to walk over to my sleeping Mom… her twin… to let her know something bad happened… as I started to cry… I ask if she wants to speak to Kuya…

And prior to this… August of 2018… Michael had just picked us up at the airport… We just got back from Mexico for our friends’ wedding… when they told us that Uncle Richard had tragically passed in a spearfishing accident in Monterey… Cried the entire way home…

So you could say our family had more than its share.

I felt caught between holding onto hope that it COULD NOT be them… and the very real possibility that it could very well be… but we had no way of knowing at that moment. The coastguard couldn’t give us any details, or information because they didn’t know. We wanted the manifest for the boat, so we could make sure it wasn’t our loved ones… They said they would call us back… but they were responding to the worst maritime accident they’d ever seen… so its understandable.

We were left to do our own detective work… and how did we find out? Nicole’s post of a photo of the boat with #Truthaquatics #conception… Or something like that… Like I said it was sort of a blur.

So here we are… one year later…

I couldn’t last on social media as the posts started rolling out… All of the photos.. Tributes… News articles... I read a few and started crying at work, so I stopped and just focused on the day...Got some assessments done, gave some vaccines, some case management… the usual busy day at work. Did a lot of running around.

I’m kind of not sure how I feel right now. I feel like my mind is on defense… My guard is up. I don’t want to talk about it that much… I don’t want to see the things going up… I don’t want to be reminded of the worst day of my life… but even if I don’t want to… I still am.

The pain is still the same… I get swept away in it so quickly and unexpectedly… I can shut it off a little better when I have things I need to do… It can wait until later… It can wait until I’m alone and have time to breath.

I don’t want to make anyone feel bad for me. I’ve received many, “I wish I could take all your pain aways…” But I wouldn’t have anyone do that.

My pain is mine because of how much was lost. If I didn’t love them as much as I do, I wouldn’t hurt as much as I do. I was blessed to have the time I did. I was blessed to be raised by such a light… with so much love…

People dear to me always say how strong I am, how much they look up to me, how I carry on so well and how my mom would be so proud. Its true what they say, we experience the most change when we’ve hit our lowest points… and one year ago… that was MY lowest point.

This last year...

-brought my family so close. We know the value of each day… the value of one another…

-has made me move through life with a lens of appreciation and gratitude for the big and little things… hummingbirds in my yard… silver linings on clouds as the sun peeks through in a stream of light… the feeling of sand between my toes as the ocean washes over my feet… the gentle embrace of a loved one… deep and whole body laughter with loved ones… watching my physical manifestations of time grow up (the kids)... a home cooked meal… conversations full of genuine curiosity and reflection… drives and catch up time with my Kuya… return of loved ones into my life…

-has shown me that I need to continue to pour into my BIG friendships. I value them so much and this time has shown me time and time again how blessed I am.

-has made me fearful. Fearful to think about my future… what I want life to look like… expectations… making plans… love…

-but its also made me brave… If I can survive this, no, thrive through this… then I can get through anything. There is a fearlessness that springs from knowing your worst pain. I feel that. So much good to come… and I smile while I write this because it is that real for me.

-I learned so much more about myself than any other time in my life. What I’m capable of… How strong I am... How much love I have to give…

-Focus on mental health and empathy guide me more than ever. Recognizing my feelings and dealing with them has helped me get through and come out on top.

Honestly, I could write all night about this last year… I’m forever changed…

Time is such a funny concept. I feel like so much has happened this last year… and yet so much didn’t happen.

Its still so surreal...

But here I am. I started this entry with tears in my eyes… and I’m ending with a smile. I guess that is what writing has done for me this last year… It has been my space of release and reflection… Its given you all a glimpse into my head…

One thing I do want to always emphasize is that I don’t compare grief.. So if you are ever in a place of grief or sadness, just know that I am here for you. I always strive to understand and support in whatever capacity I can. Your feelings are valid. It is never a bad thing to feel sadness, anger, denial, regret… in moderation. Everything in moderation. Reflect on your feelings, understand where they stem from, and learn from them.

Thank you for everyone who reached out today and this week… Thank you for looking after us… Thank you for loving us… Thank you for remembering with us...

Good night

#ohanaovereverything #grief #love #life #memories #nisaadventures

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lightninginabottle0613 · 5 years

Text

some post-ttlr reflections 🚌💛

typing this from beyond the grave, as you all have killed me/are continuing to kill me with your sweet comments on this epilogue. what are you all doing, why are you all perfect angels. why was my “””epilogue””” the longest goddamn chapter of this story. i have so many questions and not a single answer.

if you are at all interested in some deeply personal ramblings and feelings (tw: depression and mental health and all of that), those are below the cut. i was honestly just looking for a place to dump them all, so i could properly process this whole experience that completely turned my life upside down in a matter of months. but if i learned anything from writing this story, it’s that maybe some people can relate to what i’m feeling! so they’re there - if that’s something that floats your boat.

if not (and you will not offend me, seriously, it’s long lol), then please please please just know one thing - i love every single person who read this story. i can’t believe it’s over and i’m going to miss the fuck out of it, but i’m so happy that i could write something worthy of consumption for a fandom/pairing that is so close to my heart. i sort of felt the whole time like i wished i had waited until it was finished to start posting, instead of updating after i was done each chapter, but looking back - i’m so glad i didn’t. this story was so heavy in so many ways, and every comment and private message made me want to keep writing. so much about this felt like a shared experience and a collaborative effort, even as the author, so i just want to say thank you to anyone who showed it even the slightest amount of attention. i can’t wait to keep writing both for and among such incredible people.

(also, i would be remiss if i didn’t say a special thank u/i love u to @yanak324 and @harrenhollaback. for the emotional support and for gifting me with friendships i never expected when i joined this community. i owe you both more than i can say.)

ok hey! i’ll get right to it - 2019 was the worst year of my life, and i very nearly didn’t survive it.

i’ve struggled with depression for about ten years, to varying degrees. it runs deep in my family, in pretty much every person on my mother’s side, and i didn’t learn that until about four years into my own mental health journey. my entire life, a lot was expected of me - not a super uncommon thing for an eldest child, i think. but as a result of a lot of repression from other people in my family of their own mental illnesses, i was confused by a lot of the heaviness i was feeling, and i thought i needed to handle it the same way, because that was the only example i had.

a lot of my progress was stunted after that, but i did start trying to make some changes when i turned 18. even so, i was doing a lot of the work on my own and in silence, and i still made a lot of decisions based on what i thought i should do, instead of giving myself the space and time to figure out what i actually wanted to do. i think my main focus for so long was just on not feeling sad anymore - because i was still so in the dark about the complexities of depression, and i had no idea how much work it actually takes to undo a lifetime of destructive behaviors and negative thought patterns.

my life was pretty nonstop from 18-24. for six years i dealt with one crisis after another. i was forced to react to all of them in real time, but i wasn’t able to thoroughly process any of them, and it wasn’t until may of 2019 that i realized just how brutal and damaging that pace was. that month was the first time that my life was even remotely calm for the first time in six years, and once my mind had a second to breathe, i realized just how numb it was.

i really, really did not want to be here anymore. i was so far down in the pit (something i’ve been calling it for about five years), that i could barely breathe. i can remember one specific saturday that month where i sat on the floor of my apartment for three hours in silence and didn’t eat a single thing until 6:00 that night. even now as i type this, i’m curbing the urge to call myself dramatic (ha), but i don’t know how else to describe it - other than saying that i quite literally could not function.

as suuuuper dumb and cheesy as this probably sounds, this was all concurrent with the last season of game of thrones and my subsequent discovery of the character of arya (i hadn’t consumed any asoiaf content prior to last year). i was so fascinated by her - i know so many arguments can be made that show!arya was not really her by the end of it, but trust and believe that i have read everything about book!arya that i can get my hands on. i had never seen so much of myself in a character before - both book and show - and i found such a comfort in watching her navigate childhood and deal with trauma and learn how to be vulnerable.

i couldn’t tell you the first fic i found or even how i stumbled across ao3 to begin with. but i can tell you that - not unlike probably anyone reading this, lol - i think i tore through like five stories a day for the entire summer. you know that post that’s like ‘all i did this summer was read fanfiction and cry’ ? hello. LITrully all i did. reading so many different authors’ takes on a character that i connected with so deeply and how she leaned into love/grew from pain/strengthened her convictions was a catharsis i’d never experienced before.

i had a massive upheaval in my personal life toward the end of august that resulted in my living out of a hotel room for five days, and one of those days i blinked and had 6K words of a gendrya fic written. it contained zero of the angst and pain i was feeling, and i still have no idea which deep recess of my brain it came from. it was light and silly, and i had no intention to continue beyond that, honestly. and then the literal first comment i ever got was from someone that said ‘please don’t let this be a one-shot,’ and i suddenly realized i was doing something so harmful (something that’s been a habit of mine for so, so long, but one that fic-writing has forced me to break) - i had found something that i genuinely enjoyed, but i was talking myself out of pursuing it, because my own insecurities were telling me it wouldn’t be worth it.

ttlr was supposed to be similarly light. i’d seen a post on a really long prompt list that was written by someone whose parents actually met in the same way that gendry and arya meet in the story, and i thought it was hilarious and serendipitous and perfect for their canon storyline, which is very much a pseudo-road trip in a way. i wanted arya to have struggles with depression and self-worth, because that’s true to my interpretation of her character, and i knew i wanted to sort of explore her conflicts with catelyn as a bit of a side plot, but nothing could have prepared me for how heavy the story became. the basic gendrya plot remained the same, but the rest of the story strayed so far from the outline i planned out, in the best way.

i really hate to call it self-insertion, because i think that sort of cheapens the messages i started to try to send with each chapter, but almost every non-gendrya detail in the story is something that’s happened to me. 99% of arya’s conversation with catelyn in chapter 10 came from verbatim text messages between my mom and me, that i had to scroll back to in order to reference. i struggled so much with how to characterize ned, because i think he’s sort of difficult to get right since a lot of his canon characterization is learned through memories that other people have of him, but in this story, he is my dad. all of arya’s introspections and bad habits are mine, her conversations with her therapist are mine (adapted accordingly), and her attitude toward romantic love is mine. i do my best to keep a journal, but writing this story all but replaced that for me, for months.

so EVEN AS i slowly started to adjust to what this story was turning into for me personally, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for how it resonated with other people. depression is like a tailored suit. on the outside, it looks like any other suit for any other person, and it has a lot of the same surface-level features. but beyond that, it preys on your specific insecurities and traumas, and no one person’s experience is exactly the same as someone else’s - obviously, because no two people are exactly the same. so when i started getting comments and messages from people saying they felt seen and understood, and that my depiction of mental illness was like a punch in the gut/made them cry/was so true that it was at times hard to read, i knew that there was a reason that my brain wanted me to write this story, beyond my need for my own healing.

one of the best comments i got was from someone who said that in the future, if they ever met someone who said they didn’t understand depression, they were going to show them ttlr. i cried for like half an hour after i read that (like the choking, sobbing kind), because all i ever want to do is educate myself and other people on this really hard stuff, and make people feel like they have the right tools to be empathetic. i know that the story ended on a hopeful note - because there is always hope but it’s also a fiction story (and i would never write an un-hopeful ending for gendrya…miss me with that) - but i also really hoped to convey the idea that she still has work to do.

because i am so far from done, myself. i’m still living in the city i moved to when i thought that all i needed was physical space from my problems, and i’m finally (sort of) at a place where i can take the time i need to figure out where i’m meant to be next. i’m in my last semester of grad school, studying something that i recently learned i hate, because i picked it thinking it was the logical decision, and now it would be stupid to drop out. and i really did have that text conversation with my mother, but that was about nine months ago, and i currently haven’t spoken to her since new year’s day.

i’m also in therapy, and i’m slowly starting to reach back out to some of the people i love, who i’ve shut myself off from for the past eight months. i’m at a job that i kind of hate in a lot of ways, but it also allows me to have one-on-one time with people and help them develop, and that’s super fulfilling. and i have a real hobby now that i previously hadn’t done since before i was a teenager. that’s thanks in large part to arya, but it really comes down to this community of people.

i am fully aware that i’m on the younger side of the people in this fandom, and the last thing i want to do is come off as preachy. but while i have big plans to continue writing for these characters and treating them with the care they deserve, i also do really want to continue to be someone that can make people feel a little bit less alone (through the stories i tell, and beyond that). the entire journey of this story for me was a lesson in how to say what i feel in an unapologetic way, treat even the darkest and saddest parts of myself with the same amount of love that i do the happy parts, and hopefully create a space where people feel like they can do the same thing.

i read something once that said that a member of a family who actively chooses their own healing will go through a period where they become the enemy, because they’ve disrupted the family system. i don’t know that this is true all the time, but i think it’s a really eye-opening way to think about a lot of situations where people find themselves isolated even more for prioritizing their own recovery. it was certainly the case for me, anyway. again, i know that i’m young and i have a lot of life left to live, but (at the risk of sounding ….. dramatic) i have that life to live because i’m making that prioritization. if ttlr, and any other story i write, can serve as the reminder for at least one person that healing is a choice we make and a long road to travel - and based on the comments i’ve gotten, it sounds like it has - then there’s nothing more that i could ask for.

this story is my entire heart and soul. i worried every step of the way about whether i was doing justice to the characters, but i mostly just loved having an outlet for such tough stuff. i’m excited to write more, but i don’t know that anything will ever mean as much to me as this has. so thank you to every person that gave it the time of day (or night lol). writing it genuinely changed my life.

(also as an additional resource, i’m sharing this podcast interview with none other than the hero of winterfell herself. i watched this when it first came out, and i’ve watched it probably 50 times since. if you’ve made it this far in this post - first of all, omg. but also if anything i said struck a chord and you haven’t seen this, it’s a must-watch. she hits the nail on the head perfectly, and she puts so much into words that i was never able to before.)

my messages are always open. i am always free to talk about anything and everything mental health. if you’re struggling, just know that i’m with you and i love you. 💛

#gendrya #arya stark #personal #tw: depression

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jewishconvertthings · 5 years

Note

What do *you* think Torah is?

Hi anon,

Y’all are killing me with these deep, theological questions here, lol. Before I answer this, I am going to, for the nth time, remind folks that I am not a rabbi, that I can only give you the kind of answer you’d get if you asked Shul Mom™ or That One Educated Layperson, and that you really, really should talk to your rabbis about these questions because if they are worth their salt as a rabbi, they will be delighted that you are asking them.

It’s interesting that you should ask me this right now, because I’ve been reviewing and re-reading Sacred Fragments recently in response to some theological conversations I’ve been having with a Catholic friend of mine. In any event, in it, Rabbi Gillman describes four different theological streams of thought when it comes to what revelation (and consequently, Torah) actually is. These are far from being the only four, but they are representative a wide swath of Jewish thought and are intended to demonstrate the spectrum from traditional to modern-progressive.

You all should really consider reading this book, because this summary doesn’t do it justice, but here are the four representative views:

The traditionalist view says that the revelation at Sinai was a literal revealing of G-d’s will through the words of the Torah. The words of the Torah are therefore G-d’s words and G-d’s desires for how to live our lives as humans and as Jews. It must therefore be fulfilled and kept in all its details, as it communicates G-d’s exact will for us. (Gillman also notes that there is a “softer” traditionalist perspective that says that the ideas - if not the literal words - were communicated verbatim to the people, which avoids the theological problem of anthropomorphizing G-d by claiming that G-d literally speaks at all.)

The naturalist view envisioned by Rabbi Mordechai Kaplan z”l is that G-d is “the process (or power) that makes for salvation.” (More about what that actually means here: [1], [2], [3], [4]. Basically, he defines ‘salvation’ as that which makes living worthwhile.) Consequently, revelation (and therefore Torah) is the process by which we discover how this geulah can be brought about.

One iteration of a moderate position between these is that of Franz Rosenzweig’s view that what was revealed at Sinai was the fact of G-d and G-d’s desire for a relationship with the people Israel, and therefore the Torah is the written interpretation of that encounter. It is not a law book, but rather our ancestors’ response to a profound sense of commandedness that comes from being in relationship with anyone - in this case, G-d. (It is worth noting that he was a friend and colleague of Martin Buber, and that while there are differences, this view draws heavily upon Buber’s I-Thou relationship model.)

A different iteration of a moderate position between these is that of Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, whose view was that “as a report about revelation, the Bible itself is Midrash.” Meaning here, that the Torah is our ancestors’ interpretation of a more primal, immediate revelation that was far more transcendent than could ever be pinned down in human words.

For me, personally, when I was reading through these various viewpoints and trying to find myself on the spectrum, I realized that I’m somehow all of them but also none of them.

I love the traditionalist viewpoint that views G-d as a Being that you could have any sort of personal relationship with (which reflects my personal experiences), and do believe that the Torah is G-d given. On the other hand, do I think that archaeology and the historicity of the Torah bear it out as a -literally true- document, and that we must adhere to it in a literal way for all time without taking into account changed circumstances or the inevitable march of time? No, no I do not.

Furthermore, this is true even as I love that universalism of what Rabbi Kaplan has to say about the nature of religion and of G-d, which therefore allows us greater freedom to view other religions as legitimate for their adherents, even if we do not follow them. When the chips are down, I may or may not be able to defend my specific concept of G-d as a personal G-d except via my own experiences, but I feel like objective reality bears out at least Kaplan’s minimalist assertion. Therefore, on rationalist grounds, I believe Kaplan’s view of G-d, even if my spiritual practice and personal beliefs are otherwise. That said, with regards to how this impacts our view of Torah? I can’t get on board with it at all, because it flips from Torah being something we received from G-d to something humans discovered in the process of attempting to find religious meaning in the world. I can appreciate how this view works for others, but it does not work for me personally.

Which leads me to drift toward the more moderate, middle-of-the-road positions. I love Rosenzweig’s view of the G-d and human interaction as very relational - that because of our relationship to G-d, we have this profound sense of commandedness. Inherent to this perspective (in my view, anyway) is that it comes from a place of deep love flowing in both directions. We are beholden to G-d because of our love for G-d, and G-d’s love for us. That said, the imprecision in this view - namely, that there is no specific behavioral code attached to this sense of commandness renders it incomplete for me.

Heschel’s probably comes closest to what I believe. His view is that what was revealed at Sinai was “the Torah as representing God’s will for Israel, though what we have is not that Torah in its purity but rather, our ancestors’ and our own understanding of its contents.” This tracks pretty closely with my view; however, I would add a further nuance.

Ultimately, my view is that the Torah is a divinely given process. It’s not a book. It’s not a statute. It’s a path, a way of life, and a process for figuring out the way forward. Therefore, yes I believe in the Sinai moment of revelation; I also believe that the literal words we ended up with are a series of much smaller, more personal “Sinai moments” that all coalesced into the text we have now. And - critically - that this process of creating and canonizing the text is still from G-d. It’s still divinely given, even if that giving didn’t happen in a clear-cut, one-time-only sort of way. Because what was given wasn’t the literal words necessarily, but the process of using the words we already had to build a holy way of living, then and throughout our long history, and even now.

Anyway, that’s how you get to the position that I hold by, namely: that Torah is divinely given and we must take it as seriously, yet at the same time, what we were given wasn’t a textbook or a statute, but a process by which we can continue that revelation until Moshiach comes. This means that while I do view Torah as binding, I nevertheless believe that we retain the right and even the duty to continue to interpret and reinterpret Torah going forward, and to revise our stances on various topics as time progresses and circumstances change. We just have to use the proper channels and this holy process we were given.

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uas-fics · 5 years

Text

Title: The Cool and the Uncool Summary: Kevin's not a bad boyfriend. He and Red get along so well! So why won't she let them be seen together? Is he really that uncool? Rating: G Ships: Revin For @revinweek I combined like day 2-5 prompts for this because I wouldn't have time to actually make quality content otherwise, so it counts for all those days. ^^;

You can also read it on AO3

---

Kevin burst his hand away from his head.

"Those special effects blew my mind!" He exclaimed, excitedly swinging their hands. "Did you see the laser fire? So cool!"

Red nodded in agreement. "I know! And the costumes were so realistic. If I didn't know better, I would have thought they hired real aliens." She sighed. "We've come so far from actors throwing themselves around a set to show turbulence."

The two waited at the crosswalk as a line of cars slowly rolled by. The evening flow of traffic would make walking Red home a bit of a chore on any other day, but Kevin didn't care this time.

They had been counting down the days to the movie's premiere. With the influx of superhero movies lately, a good old fashion sci-fi space adventure was mana from heaven for them.

It wasn't that either of them hated superhero movies. On the contrary, Kevin loved Marvel's movies. When he heard the plot of the new Thor movie, he dug through his collection of comics for the mini-series where Jane became Thor while Thor went soulsearching and read them three times over in his excitement.

And Red had a deep fondness for DC's movies and comics. She could quote the Joker's joke about the inmates and the flashlight from 'The Killing Joke' verbatim. She saw Wonder Woman five times when the movie came out and even dressed up as her for the Halloween party at school. She looked so cool and awesome, way better than the other Wonder Women in their class.

But there inlined the problem. Except for Wonder Woman, DC's movies sucked. Their comics were good enough and the animated universe from the nineties was awesome, but those are nothing compared to the glory that was Marvel's extended universe.

Whenever Kevin pointed this out, they would argue about it. They even broke up for a whole three days because of it!

This one-shot sci-fi film was just what the relationship doctors ordered.

"So, what did you think the ending meant?" Red asked. "Did the captain die or do you think her cryogenic status will hold out until she reaches New Earth?"

Kevin tilted his head in thought. "Well, I think she'll make it. The technical experts did say it was able to make it there, or nearly there. She might wake up a few days before, but that will give her time to draw up a report to give to the Emporer of New Earth"

"But it was damaged, remember? In the fight with the alien--" Red froze. With a small gasp, she tore her hand away from Kevin's and shoved it in her pocket.

Kevin furrowed his brow and looked down at his mitten-covered hand. Did he have a hard candy from his pocket stuck to it again? No? They why would Red drop his hands?

"Hey! Red!"

Oh, right.

Bebe trotted up to her, completely ignoring Kevin, which he was fine with. He put his hands in his own pockets and looked away, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk.

"Bebe, hi, what are you doing? I thought you went out with Clyde?" She looked around her towards Tweak Bros down the street. Kevin looked too, but he didn't see Clyde or anyone else in their class near the coffee shop.

Bebe scoffed. "We did but then your stupid cousin showed up." She wrinkled her nose. "He dared Clyde to see how many muffins he could eat and Clyde ended up puking on the floor."

Red recoiled. "Eeeew! Why are boys so gross?"

"I know, right?" Bebe looped her arm around Red's. "Do you wanna come to my house? I got the latest issue of Preteen Girl's Dream in and there is a quiz in there you just have to take to find out what your favorite cereal is based on your zodiac--and there is a recipe for moss graffiti that I think Wendy would love to try. Oh and an interview with--"

As Bebe rattled off the contents of the magazine, Red looked over her shoulder at Kevin with an apologetic smile. Kevin sighed but nodded anyway. He gave her a small wave then trudged across the clear crosswalk home.

---

Not even Star Trek could lift his spirits. Kevin slumped down in the couch, wishing the cushions would open up and swallow him whole. Maybe take him to a fantasy world with characters that look oddly like his friends and family where he would beat the odds and become a hero to the people and defeat the bad guy. He'd loved that.

Then when he got back to his world after being king and loved by all, Red wouldn't be ashamed of dating him and he could be happy here, too!

As the credits of the last episode on the disk rolled, Kevin had yet to be swallowed up.

Giving up on that possibility, he rolled to his side, staring at the title screen playing clips from the show.

He didn't get it. Did it matter that much that he wasn't a cool kid like she was? Didn't dating her move him up in the social pecking order? Or did he just pull her down?

Kevin sighed. What could he do to make himself cooler? He stopped wearing his Klingon ears to school and only made a minimum of three references in conversations not about sci-fi movies. Didn't that erase enough of his uncool status?

A thought hit him.

Clyde and Craig were both nerds too. They liked sci-fi. They made references. They were cool kids. He just needed to find out what they did!

"Moooom!" Kevin yelled towards the kitchen. "Can I go visit Clyde? It'll only be for an hour. Please? I promise I'll text you if I'm late."

From the kitchen, pots and pans rattled and the sink turned on. Just as Kevin pulled in a breath to yell again, his mom replied, "Alright, you may. Just be careful and back before dinner. We're having meatloaf."

"Thanks, Mom!"

Kevin tried to jump to his feet, only to have his heels tangle in the throw blanket and fall to his face into the carpet.

---

Clyde put his hand on his hip and eyed Kevin up and down.

"What's up?" He asked. "You look out of breath."

Kevin nodded, hands on his knees. He ran the whole way to Clyde's house so he could have as much time as possible before dinner to talk.

"Can I," He panted, "come in? I have to ask you a question, then I have to run and ask Craig a question too."

Clyde stepped aside to let him. "Craig's here with me. You can ask him now if you want."

"That's perfect!" Kevin straightened up.

"We're in the living room watching Buzzfeed Unsolved." Clyde waved for him to follow.

In the Donovan's living room, Craig reclined on the couch, chuckling at whatever the hosts had said a moment prior.

"Hey, dude," Clyde leaned over the back of the couch, "Kevin Stoley is here. He has a question."

Craig twisted around to give Kevin an uninterested look.

"Yeah?" He nodded. "What?"

Kevin opened his mouth, then shut it. He squirmed under Craig and Clyde's gazes.

"Um, I, I need to know, ah, um," He chewed his lip, "how...how are you two so cool? You like the same things I do, but no one thinks you two are nerds."

Craig snorted and rolled back to the laptop set up on the coffee table. Clyde covered his laugh with his fist.

"Oh, wow, really, Kevin?" Clyde shook his head. "That's what you ran over here to ask?"

"Yes? It's very important." Kevin wrung his hands together.

Clyde threw his arm over his shoulder. He patted his chest with a shake of his head.

"Oh, Kevin, my friend, for a nerd you're not that smart," Clyde chided, "Coolness isn't something you can just learn. It's something either you have or you don't."

"But...but what makes you cool? Why do your girlfriends like to be with you?" Kevin paused, then corrected, "Why do your partners like to be with you?"

Without turning around, Craig asked, "Are you asking this because you want a girlfriend? There are plenty of girls closer to your social standing that would date you, dude." He paused the video to get a better look at a picture of some sort of creature.

A blush crept up his face. "N-no, I, ah, just tell me. Why do people like you? Why does Bebe stay with you?"

Craig chuckled, earning a glare from Clyde.

"Weeeeell," Clyde bobbed his head side to side, "girls like me because I'm super handsome and charismatic. Bebe thinks I'm the best boy ever--no matter what happened today." Clyde flipped Craig the bird, which he returned without looking up from the laptop.

"Yeah, well, Tweek likes me because...uuuuh..." Craig straightened up as he thought. "I don't know, man. Fate or something? I'm ten times hotter than Clyde?" He propped himself up on the couch to question, "What girl do you want to date so bad? All the cool girls don't seem like your...type."

"There's not a girl!" Kevin lied, "I, I just want to be cool."

"Why? You have friends. You don't sit alone at lunch. No one bullies you more than anyone else." Craig ticked off on his fingers. "You're even on the basketball team. What's the point?"

Craig's probing stare made sweat spring up on Kevin's skin before narrowing his eyes. Even Clyde started giving him the suspicious look.

"Fine! It's Red!" He blurted out. "We're dating but she doesn't want anyone to know because I'm not as cool as her and I just really want to be able to tell everyone what a cool girlfriend I have!"

Kevin slapped his hand over his mouth and backed out of Clyde's grasp.

"Oh, shoot! Please, you can't tell anyone. She'll be mad at me."

Clyde's mouth hung open while Craig wrinkled his nose.

"Eeeeeew, gross." Craig stuck out his tongue as Clyde demanded, "How?!"

"I don't know?"

"Red is...and you are...but Red is hot!" Clyde gasped. "She's cool and I dated her once. Why would someone like her date someone like you?"

Kevin started, "Well, we both like sci-fi and comics and stuff, and I was at the library and we wanted to check out the same book and--"

"But she's hot!" Clyde cut in.

Craig jumped off the couch. He walked beside Clyde to grabbed hold of the back of his shirt and pull it over his head, leaving his friend tangled in cotton fabric.

"Shut up about my cousin!" Craig snapped. "She's not hot. She's a loser and a nerd, just like Kevin. They're perfect for each other."

"Red is not a loser!" Kevin defended. "And neither am I. Just tell me what to do to make her ok with being seen with me."

Clyde disentangled himself from his shirt with a suck of breath. He smoothed out his hair and readjusted his clothes.

"Ok, you know what, yeah, yeah, ok, I'll help you be cool," Clyde proclaimed. "We just need to fix your hair, and your voice, and your face..."

Craig took his cellphone from his pocket as Kevin asked what was wrong with his hair, voice, and face. He took a few steps backwards before heading into the kitchen.

---

Bebe finished tallying up the questionnaire with a flourish of her pen. Red rested her chin in her hands as she laid on her stomach on Bebe's bed.

"Ok, so, according to this quiz, your perfect guy is a hunky scientist," Bebe exclaimed. "How sweet, Red. You'll be like Marrie Currie!"

"Dying of radiation poisoning?" Red laughed, taking the test to make sure Bebe tallied right.

"No, like, working with your man and winning the Nobel prize in science or something. You're really good at science." Bebe elaborated.

"I'm not that good," Red rolled her eyes. She was good at science, actually, very good. It's just so interesting and cool, but if she owned up to that, Bebe might think she was bragging.

"Yes, you are!" She pushed her shoulder. "You're going to do some cool space science things, and I'll discover how to talk to dolphins, and we'll both have really hot hubbies standing by us."

"You mean you'll have Clyde eating all the tiny quiches at the ceremony dinner?" Red teased.

Bebe put her hand to her chest in offense. She opened her mouth to snap something at her when Red's phone rang.

She held up a finger and took it out. She raised an eyebrow. Why was Craig calling her?

"One second." She held the phone to her ear. "Hello? Craig? What do you want?"

"You're dating Kevin Stoley?"

Her heart stopped in her chest. Her gaze whipped towards Bebe. Luckily, Bebe had moved to her desk with the magazine and was copying something down in her notebook.

"What are you talking about?" Red hissed, twisting to sit up with her back away from Bebe.

"Kevin? Kevin Stoley? The nerd? The only Chinese kid we had until like last year? Cosplays Spock every chance he gets?" Craig replied in a deadpan. "Your boyfriend, apparently?"

Red forced a breath through her teeth. "Who told you that?"

"Kevin did. I'm at Clyde's. He came running in demanding to know how to be cool. I--I mean Clyde bullied him into telling us why," Craig explained. "He said he wanted to be cool so you wouldn't be embarrassed by him."

Red's cheeks burned. Hopping to her feet, she told Bebe she needed to take the call to the hall. Bebe nodded understandingly before taking her own phone out to snap a picture of a magazine page.

Once out in the hall, Red demanded, "You bullied him?!"

"I didn't. Didn't you hear me? Clyde did."

She could hear the eye roll in his tone.

"So you are dating then?" he continued.

Red looked up and down the hall then whispered, "Yeah? We are. He's really sweet and smart, and if you keep picking on him, I swear I'll get you, Craig Tucker."

"Wow, breaking out the last name. What are you, Bertha Red, my mom?" Craig mocked. He knew using her first and middle name like that would get under her skin.

"Shut up!" Red ordered. "Just, urgh! What's going on? Is Kevin still there?"

Craig hummed. "Yeah, he is. Clyde is giving him a list of what he can do to be cool like he is."

Red winced. Cool like Clyde? Clyde wasn't really cool. Sure, he acted cool and confident and brave, but everyone knew that was a lie. He cried at the drop of a hat and wouldn't stand up for himself if his friends weren't standing with him. Clyde was just as big of a nerd as Kevin. Why would Kevin ever thing to get tips on coolness from him?

Craig spoke, filling up the silence her stunned reaction caused, "Do you really think Kevin will drag your standing down that far? How do you know dating you wouldn't bring him up?."

The sound of a refrigerator being open came from the other end of the phone, followed by Craig calling to ask Clyde if he could have some orange juice.

Red squirmed against the wall as if Craig was in the hall staring her down. She wasn't sure what would happen if she told everyone she was dating someone as uncool as Kevin.

When Heidi started dating Cartman, she became a laughing stock. Though Kevin wasn't nearly as terrible as Cartman, the last thing Red wanted was to be mocked for liking a nerd.

"You wouldn't understand," she finally replied.

"No, I get it." Craig shifted the phone. "Tweek wasn't all that cool when we started dating, but he's really cool now. I bet it'll be the same thing, at least if you keep Kevin from making too many Star Wars references."

Red groaned. "That's not the same. You and Tweek are cute together because you two are, like, opposites. It's like a dog and a cat playing together!"

Craig swallowed some orange juice on the other end. "Wait, what? Am I the cat? Or the dog?"

"It doesn't matter." Red began to pace, twiddling with the ends of her hair. "We aren't different enough! It's not cute. It's weird that I would be interested in him."

"But not for him to be interested in you?"

"No, because I'm cool and popular."

"Clyde called you 'hot,' and I corrected him that you are a loser and a nerd." Craig teased. "Aren't I a good cousin?"

"Screw you! Stop making fun of me." Red threw her hand up as she came to the end of the hall. "I want to tell people we're dating, but I can't!" She spun on her heels to head back towards Bebe's bedroom. "No one can know that Kevin and I are dat...ing."

Bebe's mouth hung open. The magazine fell from her hands to the floor, falling open to the future spouse quiz.

"You have a boyfriend?!" Bebe gasped, her hands flying to her mouth.

"Shoot!" Red flinched back.

"Red?" Craig's voice almost sounded concerned.

"Craig, I need to go. Talk to you later." Red went to end the call, only to quickly add, "Also go make Clyde stop before he gets Kevin thinking vomiting and mosquitoes are cool."

Before Craig could reply, she clicked end and shove the phone into her pocket.

"You have a boyfriend?" Bebe repeated. "Who? Kevin who? Not Kevin McCormick? He's, like, thirteen and smells like tobacco."

"No, I, um..." Red wracked her brain for a lie but came up with nothing that would be even close to believable. "It's not Kevin McCormick."

Bebe bound up to her. She wrapped her fingers around her arm, buzzing with excitement.

"Then who? Is it that Kevin from fifth grade? Not that Kevin from Middle Park?" Bebe's eyes grew as she searched Red up and down as if she might have a sign on her chest with Kevin's full name.

"Bebe, please, drop it," Red begged. "It's a secret."

"I can keep a secret." Bebe grinned. When Red didn't answer, her face fell in confusion. "What's wrong? Is he a," her voice dropped down, "an adult?"

"No!" Red pushed her away. "I am not dating a grown-up! That's gross."

"Then who is it?" Bebe demanded to know. "You can't just say something like you want to tell people you two are dating but can't. Who is it? The only other Kevin I can think of is..."

She trailed off, brows furrowed.

"Kevin Stoley. Are you dating Kevin Stoley?"

Red's shoulders slumped and she accepted the inevitable.

"Ummm, yes," she admitted, waiting for Bebe to start mocking her for dating Kevin.

"Wow." Bebe pursed her lips. "Kevin Stoley."

The repugnance in Bebe's tone made Red's stomach twist. She had expected it, of course, but instead of making her ashamed, she felt angry.

"He's not that bad!" Red snapped. "Kevin is a sweet guy. He's creative and passionate about what he likes." Red pointed a finger into Bebe's collar bone, moving into her personal space as she spoke. "And he lent me all his 'FlashPoint' comics when the website I was reading them on gave my dad's laptop a virus. He's just as good of a boyfriend as Clyde is!"

Bebe held up her hands in defense. "I never said he wasn't."

Red narrowed her eyes incredulously, taking a step back.

Bebe fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Look, if you want to date him, cool, whatever. Why does it matter?"

Furrowing her brows, Red frowned. "You don't think it's weird on me for dating him? He's a nerd who likes Star Trek and wore a Spock cosplay for a week to school."

Bebe rolled her eyes. "Yeah? So?" She shrugged. "Clyde brought a jar of mosquitoes with him everywhere for two weeks. Pointy alien elf ears are nothing compared to that."

"Klingon." Red corrected automatically. "They're Klingon ears."

This time Bebe did roll her eyes, but, Red didn't feel any malcontent from it. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as she had always envisioned.

---

Kevin sighed as he trudged up the school steps. His cool lessons didn't get all that far before Craig can out of the kitchen with a glass of orange juice, eyed Kevin up and down again, then proclaimed he was a lost cause and Clyde was wasting his time.

Before Kevin could stop him, he'd grabbed Clyde and drug him against his will back to the couch to finish watching their video.

While Kevin did enjoy learning about the Moth Man, he couldn't help feel he wasted his time. He didn't learn a thing about being cool or how to fix his face, hair, or voice.

"Hey. Hey, Kevin."

He paused and looked over his shoulder to see Dougie rushing up to him.

"Oh, greetings, Dougie." He flashed him a Volcan Salute, which Dougie returned. Dougie vibrated with contagious excitement.

"Did you go see the movie this weekend?" He asked. "I did. I went with my mom and Butters. I liked the music and how the ships look. What did you like?"

Kevin's uplifted mood fell as he remembered what happened right after the movie.

"The lasers, I guess," He muttered, looking at his shoes. One of the laces was double knotted and the other wasn't. He'd have to fix that before class--like an uncool nerd.

A hand slipped around his hand, taking him from his thoughts.

"My favorite part was how the captain defeated the alien with the water and electricity," Red chirped, leaning against Kevin's side, nearly toppling him over with her greater size.

Dougie turned a shocked, wide-eyed face to Kevin. Kevin kept his own shocked, wide-eyed face fixed on Red.

What was she doing? Why was she holding his hand in front of everyone outside of the school? He could feel all the eyes of the other kids on them and hear their whispers.

"R-Red?" Kevin stammered. "You're holding my hand."

"Well, duh," she threw her hair over her shoulder, "we are dating."

A collective gasp came from all the students around them. Red turned a sharp glare towards them, and everyone spun around. Kevin half expected them to start whistling nonchalantly.

Dougie took a step back. He waved goodbye to Kevin before bolting off, leaving the two alone to talk.

"We are, but, you don't like..." he shook his head. "Aren't I too uncool?"

She nodded. "Yeah, you are, but it's ok now."

Kevin frowned and looked down at himself. Did something change since yesterday? Did he get super buff and handsome while he slept last night? Maybe he did go to a fantasy world last night and just didn't remember, but when he looked down, he didn't see anything different, except the little stain from the meatloaf last night on his stomach.

"It is?" Kevin asked. "Why?"

"Well, I just figured it was stupid to act like I did. It wasn't fair to you, either." Red explained, squeezing his hand. "Also, I told Bebe last night, and Bebe said she wanted to double date with you and Clyde, so you can make sure Clyde doesn't do something silly or embarrassing so it doesn't matter anymore. Bebe has my back, and because she does, so do all the other girls."

Kevin furrowed his brow. "I don't get it."

She smiled softly at him. "It's ok. You don't need to know how all the science works to enjoy Star Trek."

He still didn't fully get it but decided to employ his suspension of disbelief towards the inner workings of girl social structure.

"Oh, well, if that's ok with you, then it's ok with me." Kevin felt giddy. He could walk through the school halls hand in hand with his girlfriend. They could talk about science or Star Trek in the middle of recess.

He dared to give Red a kiss on the cheek. To his surprise, she blushed but didn't get mad at him. With a laugh, Red began to pull him down the hallway.

#Revin week #revin #sp red #kevin stoley #craig tucker #Clyde Donovan #bebe stevens #one-shot

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seouledbysisi · 5 years

Text

Something New

Chapter seventeen

Johnny

After dance practice was finally over the guys congregated amongst themselves.

It was almost awkward because not everyone was close. Johnny, Taeil and Jaehyun had already known one another before so of course they had a relationship. Other relationships were beginning to prosper though.

There was always a bit of tension with Jaehyun and Taeyong though. None of the other members knew why and Johnny for sure wasn’t about to open that can of worms. It wasn’t his business to tell and quite frankly it didn’t matter because Sasha had made her choice to be with Jaehyun. Taeyong’s ship had sailed a long time ago and he screwed it up. Nothing he did would bring that sail back to shore.

Johnny handed a envelope to Taeil.

Taeil smiled thinking it was some sort of gift. “What did I do to deserve this?”

Haechan ran over. “Is it money?!” He yelled as he clapped his hands. He always seemed like all of their baby. He was the youngest and he didn’t let you forget it.

Johnny chuckled. “Believe it not money, Full sun.” He winked.

Haechan pouted. “I wanted money.” He crossed his arms.

“The envelope isn’t even for you.” Johnny continued cackling.

Haechan rolled his eyes. “Wanna buy me some ice cream?” He asked Johnny. “Please Johnny-Hyung?” He added when it took Johnny a while to answer.

Johnny shook his head and handed him a few wons. “Now go away!”

Taeil stared at the invitation. “Why do you have this?”

“She didn’t know where else to send it I guess.” Johnny shrugged.

Jaehyun finally met up with them in the corner. He had been a bit off all day.

“You good?” Johnny asked.

He pushed his hair out of his face and sighed. “I got a lot of shit going on, man.”

Johnny gave him a questioning expression. “What’s up? You and Sasha okay?”

“That’s a whole other story for another day. I’m stressed out because of that too. But my dad is suing my mom for custody of Max. He wants him in the states with him.”

Taeil looked up from the invitation. “Sorry to hear that.”

He shrugged. “I mean he is his son but my mom had raised him his whole life. My dad wouldn’t know what to do if he had Max full time. I worry for Max.”

Johnny took a deep breath. “I don’t know what I would do if someone tried to take Henny away from me. Your mom is such a great mom, why is your dad doing this to her?”

“Because she really divorced him. He feels like he lost so he’s trying to hurt her any way that he can.” Jaehyun shook his head. “Enough about me though, what y’all got going on?”

“Brianne invited me to her graduation.” Taeil stated plainly. “I haven’t talked to her since graduation. I don’t understand why she would even want me there.”

Johnny patted his shoulder. “Maybe she’s trying to make things right. She invited us all and like I told Ivy, we should go.”

Jaehyun nodded. “I told Sasha the same thing. Regardless of the bullshit that has happened they were once really important in eachother’s lives. Maybe she needs them. You never know.”

Taeil took a deep breath. “Well send my congratulations to her.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “You’re not going?”

“No. I think our chapter has been closed for a long time and that’s how I need it to stay.”

“Dude, don’t be like that.” Jaehyun spoke. “She obviously wants all of us there. If you don’t go imagine how she will feel!”

Taeil chuckled. “The way I felt when she dumped me? Yeah I’m cool off of her.”

“She cut all of us off, man. Not just you and we’re still going.” Johnny pleaded.

Jaehyun stayed quiet. He cleared his throat. Guilt rising up his throat.

Johnny noticed his expression. “Let me guess she didn’t cut you off?”

Jae sighed. “I mean she did but not completely. I wouldn’t let her. I wrote her from time to time just to check in on her. Sasha doesn’t know any of this so let’s not mention it ever again!”

“Why would you keep that from her?” Taeil asked.

“Because I didn’t want her being mad or thinking more of it than what it was. I left Brianne stranded a long time ago and I promised her that I would be a better friend this time around and I’m not breaking that promise for anyone. Sasha is who I’m in love with but Bri is important too.”

Johnny simply nodded without saying a word.

Sasha

Sasha and Jaehyun met up with Johnny, Ivy and Hendrix at the airport.

Sasha ran to Ivy as if she hadn’t just seen her the night before and hugged her tight. “I missed you, sister!” She exclaimed.

Ivy giggled.

They were inseparable but with Ivy having a baby sometimes there wasn’t enough time in the day. She sometimes wished Sasha lived with them so at least when Johnny wasn’t around she’d have help with Henny.

Sasha picked Hendrix up and placed him on her hip. “Hey baby!” She kissed his forehead.

“Hey baby!” He repeated verbatim. He was in that stage where he repeated everything.

Sasha giggled. “You make tete Sasha wanna have a baby but then I remember that I like my freedom.”

The little boy simply laid his head on her shoulder as if he knew she was lying through her teeth.

She wanted a family with Jaehyun so bad but she knew that wouldn’t be happening any time soon, if ever at that.

Jaehyun’s face was pretty stern as if something may be wrong with him but he never spoke a word.

Ivy noticed and she wondered were her favorite couple having problems. “Jae, we haven’t had a one on one in a really long time. We should catch up soon!” She rubbed his upper arm.

He smiled. His deep dimples appearing. “We do need a bestie date soon!” He pulled her into a side hug.

He grabbed Henny from Sasha and ran off with him to a candy store that was located in the airport.

Johnny chased after them. “No candy man!” He yelled after them.

“You have to catch us first!” Jae yelled back with Henny giggling.

Sasha and Ivy looked at one another and shook their heads.

“Such kids!” Sasha spoke with laughter.

Ivy nodded. “For sure. So how do you like living with Mrs. Jung?”

Sasha shrugged. “It’s cool. It keeps me company I guess since Jae is always working and he stays at their dorm sometimes.”

“Sometimes I wish you lived with me.” Ivy spoke sadly.

Sasha giggled and pushed her a little. “Why would you wish that? You have Johnny!”

“I mean I know I have Johnny and I love my Johnny bear so much but he’s always working and I be bored and sometimes I need help-“ she cut it off as she noticed the guys walking back.

Sasha wondered why she cut the conversation short. “Are you okay?”

She nodded quietly. “Yeah I’m just in my head I guess.”

“I’m a little nervous about this graduation.” Sasha admitted.

Jaehyun laid his arm over her shoulders and brought her in close into his side. “Don’t be. It’s all love.”

Sasha looked up at him with nervous eyes. They didn’t know what was waiting for them at this graduation. She could be gathering them all together to give them a piece of her mind for al they knew.

He kissed her lips softly. “Stop it. Everything will be fine.”

Johnny smiled at their interaction. “Sure wish Taeil had’ve come.”

“Maybe he just couldn’t look backwards anymore. He just really got to a point where he wasn’t checking for her anymore.” Ivy revealed.

Jaehyun raised a brow. “What’s that mean?”

“It means she has toddler brain, so don’t mind her.” Johnny quickly changed the topic.

Taeil

Taeil and Haechan shared a room.

Haechan was on the video game with his headphones on.

Taeil simply laid on his bed deep in thought. He battled with himself whether to go or not. What was the point though?

Everything had changed for them that night after prom. She showed him her real colors. She proved that she didn’t trust him with her heart and he couldn’t understand why. He had played by the rule book. He had treated her like a princess. He cared about her more than he cared about himself and she literally took all the energy he had given to her and shitted on it. His heart was still a bit broken. He felt pathetic because it had been four fucking years and he was still slightly stuck on her when she evidently had moved on.

He had even started to send her a simple text a few times but never worked up the courage to ever send them. Life had a funny way of teaching you lessons. The only lesson he had learned was to not give his heart away too carelessly. At this rate of his healing he wouldn’t be giving it away at all.

“Taeil-hyung!?” Haechan called for the fifth time.

Taeil hadn’t heard him because he was in a daze.

Haechan shook him. “Hyung what’s wrong?”

Taeil sighed. “Nothing Haechan.”

Haechan rubbed his arm soothingly. “I know you and I know you hurt right now.” His bad English stuck out like a sore thumb but at least he was trying.

“I’m not hurting.” Taeil lied.

Haechan knew he was lying to him. It was written all over his face. “If you need me I’m here. I love you hyung.” He went back to his computer and started back playing his game.

Taeil stared at the ceiling. Sometimes he felt like a dad when Haechan was around because he was always so needy but in this moment he was actually trying to be helpful and he had completely shut him out. Now he felt even more terrible but he just didn’t want to speak these thoughts out loud.

-stay tuned

#fanfic #stories #kpop #kpop idols #soft hours #nctzen #nct yuta #nct taeyong #nct johnny #nct mark lee #nct jaehyun #nct jungwoo #nct doyoung #nct haechan #nct taeil #czennies

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition

- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....

- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts.

- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/

- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people

- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)

- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry

- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor

- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not

- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you

- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons

- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie

anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)

#long post //////#the entire first quarter (at least lol) of my life being Devastated By Abuse means i get to complain about it whenever i feel like it

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davessecretary · 3 years

Text

So there was a once-internet-famous bunch of stories by one davesecretary, but the site went away, and I had to dig into the Internet Archive to find them. Originally there were more on other sites, and there were copies around, but they all disappeared, and this is all I could recover.

EVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING. MY OTHER UNCLE D. IS KIND OF THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY AND WE DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.

ANYWAY THIS ONE CHRISTMAS MY DAD & RON ARE REALLY GOING AT IT, SOMETHING ABOUT AFRICA, WHEN UNCLE D. WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THINGS GINGERLY CARRYING THIS TAPE LIKE IT WAS A DYING CHILD AND LOOKS COYLY AT MY DAD AND RON AND SAYS "SO, I BET YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT SONG IS THIS!!"

AND MY DAD AND RON COULDN'T CARE LESS AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THERE'S NO TIME BUT UNCLE D. IS ALREADY BREAKING THE TAPE DECK AND JAMMING IN HIS PRECIOUS TAPE. HE FLASHES US A SLY LOOK AND SAYS "I BET NOBODY HERE WILL GET THIS" AND PRESSES PLAY

IT'S FUCKING 'HEY JUDE'. 19 PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL SAY 'IT'S HEY JUDE' AT THE SAME TIME AND LOOK AGGRAVATED.

UNCLE D. LOOKS AT US ALL IMPISHLY AND SAYS 'NO'.

I'M PASTING THIS FROM THE SMALL TALK THREAD BECAUSE IT SHOULD GO HERE:

ALSO A PRETTY SWEET STORY AT SCHOOL INVOLVING THE WORD 'CARROT'

WE'RE LEARNING ABOUT WEBER AND MY RUSSIAN TEACHER HAS AN ACCENT AS THICK AS MY CLASSMATES AND IS GOING ON ABOUT HOW SCIENCE CAN ACTUALLY PROVE SOMETHING WHEREAS ENGLISH OR ARCHITECTURE CANNOT.

SOME INBRED URCHIN IN THE FRONT ROW SLAMS HIS BIG HAMMY FIST ON THE DESK AND DEMANDS CLARITY.

MY RUSSIAN TEACHER GIVES HIM A STERN LOOK AND SAYS "SCIENCE CAN PROVE ZINGS ZEE GREEN GROZER CANNOT!"

IDIOT BRIGADE IN THE FRONT STILL DOESN'T GET IT. "GREEN GROZAY?"

"GREEN GROZER! GREEN GROZER!" MY TEACHER EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY

"GREEN GROZAY? WHAT'S GREEN GROZAY?!"

"GREEN GROZER! GREEN GROZER!! HE SELLS THE GREEN GROZERIES!!" TEACHER RETORTS

"OH!!" A SMALL LIGHT GOES ON SOMEWHERE WITHIN THAT MISERABLE CAITIFF. "THE GREEN GROWER!" HE SMILES BROADLY.

THEN, THEN, AS IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, SOME WRETCH OF A GIRL DOWN THE ROW JUMPS UP FROM HER SEAT LIKE SHE WAS BITTEN AND SAYS IN THIS POSITIVELY AGHAST VOICE "BUT CARROTS ARE RED!!!"

SO THIS ONE TIME I'M OUT IN MY NEIGHBOR'S DRIVEWAY WITH MY BEST FRIEND KYLE AND HE'S TEACHING ME HOW TO RAISE A PUCK. WE'RE USING A REAL PUCK AND HE'S STANDING ABOUT 15 FEET DOWN FROM ME. I KEEP HITTING THE PUCK AS HARD AS I CAN BUT I CAN'T RAISE IT. KYLE IS JUST STANDING THERE ACTING ALL SUPERIOR AND GIVING ME INANE ADVICE AND PASSING THE PUCK BACK TO ME EACH TIME IT SLIDES OVER TO HIM.

ANYWAY I REMEMBER I GOT ALL FRUSTRATED AND DECIDED THAT THIS WOULD BE IT - I WAS GOING TO RAISE THAT FUCKING PUCK. SO I WIND BACK AND TAKE MAYBE THE HARDEST SLAPSHOT OF MY LIFE. THE PUCK RAISES MAGICALLY. UP UNTIL THIS VERY SECOND NEITHER KYLE OR I REALIZE THAT IF I EVER DID GET THE PUCK IN THE AIR, KYLE WOULD BE IN SOME TROUBLE.

TIME PRETTY MUCH SLOWED DOWN FOR ME. THE PUCK IS A GOOD TWO FEET IN THE AIR AND IS MAKING A BEE LINE FOR KYLE'S DICK. I REMEMBER SEEING KYLE'S EYES OPEN UP VERY WIDE, AND I SEEM TO RECALL MYSELF SHOUTING OUT SOME OBVIOUS INSTRUCTIONS ABOUT HOW HE NEEDS TO STEP ASIDE RIGHT NOW.

KYLE ISN'T VERY BRIGHT, AND IS NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO MY INSTRUCTIONS. I CAN SEE THE GEARS TURNING IN HIS LITTLE BRAIN, AS HE TRIES TO COME UP WITH SOME SORT OF SOLUTION TO THE IMMINENT DANGER HE IS IN. "STEP ASIDE, KYLE, STEP ASIDE!!" I AM YELLING EARNESTLY.

KYLE EYES THE PUCK ONE LAST TIME AS IT FLIES A BILLION MILES AN HOUR TOWARDS HIS BALLS, AND AT THE LAST MINUTE DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND TAKES THE FUCKING THING IN THE FOREHEAD. KNOCKS HIM RIGHT THE FUCK OUT.

SO I'M ON THE BUS FOR SOME GODDAMNED REASON AND I AM LISTENING CAREFULLY TO THE CONVERSATION IN FRONT OF ME, HELD BETWEEN THIS BLOWSY SULKY GIRL WHO IS CLEARLY DOMINATING THE SITUATION AND HER 'BOYFRIEND', A SCRAWNY LOOKING MESS NEAR TEARS. THE FOLLOWING IS ALMOST VERBATIM.

SCRAWNY MESS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE CHEATED ON ME?!

BLOWSY GIRL: I CHEATED ON YOU.

SCRAWNY MESS: (SNIFFLING MISERABLY) BUT.. BUT.. YOU CHEATED ON ME?

BLOWSY GIRL: (ALMOST INDIGNANTLY) YES.

SCRAWNY MESS: (TEARS FORMING) FOR HOW LONG?

BLOWSY GIRL: (WITH A HINT OF SATISFACTION) ABOUT A YEAR.

SCRAWNY MESS: (TEARS WELLING UP) OHHHHH NOOOO.

SCRAWNY MESS PAUSES TO REFLECT. THE BOY IS A VERITABLE DISTILLERY AT THIS POINT AND YOU CAN JUST TELL SOME SORT OF ULTIMATUM IS COMING. HE MASTERS HIS EMOTIONS AND BECOMES VERY STILL. I AM EXPECTING HIM TO GET ALL KUNG FU ON THIS GIRL. INSTEAD HE TURNS TO HER, WIPES THE TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAYS "STRIKE ONE, NANCY... STRIKE ONE."

I ALSO POSTED THIS IN THE SMALL TALK THREAD BUT IT SHOULD GO HERE:

SO IT'S CHRISTMAS AND MY FAMILY IS PLAYING 'SCATTERGORIES' AND EVERYONE IS DRUNK, ESPECIALLY MY STEP-UNCLE RICK. HE'S JUST RAVING DRUNK. IT'S CRAZY. SOMEONE ROLLS THE LETTER 'F' AND WE ALL SPEND 2 MINUTES TRYING TO FILL OUT THE BLANKS. THE TIMER DINGS AND WE GO AROUND TELLING EACH OTHER OUR ANSWERS.

THE FIRST CATEGORY IS 'VEGETABLE'. WE ALL GO AROUND AND WE GET TO DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK WHO LOOKS AT US ALL SMUGLY, DIGS UP THIS WIDE GRIN, AND THEN SAYS "FUCKING CARROTS!! BAHABDIUAGHF(*PA#HIOH BHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" AND LAUGHS LIKE A GODDAMNED DEMON KING FOR NEARLY A FULL MINUTE. ONCE HE'S SETTLED DOWN WE MOVE ON. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS 'THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH' OR SOMETHING, AND WHEN WE GET TO RICK AGAIN WE ARE GIVEN THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WINK AND NOD, AND THEN HE SCREAMS OUT "FUCKING TOWELS, MAN!!! BBAHAHAHAHHAHA UAHDIUAHIUHAIUH AHAHAHAHAHA" AND AGAIN WE ARE UNNERVED BY HIS CRAZED LUNATIC LAUGHTER.

THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS! IT GETS TIRED REALLY QUICKLY! FINALLY, AROUND ROUND 7 OR 8 WE GET TO THE CATEGORY 'OCCUPATION'. WE GO AROUND AND GIVE EACH OTHER LOOKS OF DREAD AS DRUNK RICK'S TURN APPROACHES. FINALLY IT'S HIS TURN. WE BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE INEVITABLE 'FUCKING DOCTOR, MAN!!' OR 'FUCKING BUS DRIVER SHIT YEAH!!'. THE TENSION IS TERRIFIC. DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, SHOOTS US A MANIACLE LOOK, AND THEN SAYS QUIETLY AND CALMY 'forensic scientist' AND THEN GIVES A CALM NOD TO THE PERSON ON HIS LEFT.

HE THEN GETS UP, WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND FALLS DOWN ALL THE STAIRS INTO THE BASEMENT AND PASSES OUT.

SO WE'RE IN KANSAS CITY ON TOUR AND I CALL MY MOM AND I'M LIKE "MOM I'M IN WICHITA, THIS IS WHERE YOU GREW UP!!" AND MY MOM'S LIKE "YEAH IT'S NICE ISN'T IT? TALK TO THE PEOPLE, THEY'RE REALLY FRIENDLY!"

SO THEN I GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE TO SEE IF I CAN SCORE SOME FOOD BECAUSE I'M ON TOUR AND THEREFORE POOR AS ALL HELL AND I WITNESS THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION BETWEEN THIS LARGE, LAZY MAN OPERATING THE CASH REGISTER, AND THIS SHRIVELLED, WITHERED HUSK OF AN WOMAN, WHO IS SCREECHING AT EVERYONE WITHIN EARSHOT. SHE TURNS THE BRUNT OF HER FORCE ONTO THE IMMOVABLE LAZY MAN.

"I WANT TO BUY THREE CANS OF THIS TOMATO SAUCE BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE HERE. CHECK IN THE BACK!"

THE IMMOBILE MAN LOOKS UTTERLY BORED. "I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY IN THE BACK."

THE SHRILL OCTOGENARIAN DOESN'T SKIP A BEAT: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "THINK". GO CHECK! GO CHECK!"

THE LAZY LARGE MAN CASTS HER A GLANCE OF SLIGHT REPROVE: "I AIN'T CHECKIN'."

THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR OUR ANTAGONIST, OR POSSIBLY PROTAGONIST. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT AND SHRIEKS LIKE A BANSHEE: "WHAT IF I WANTED TO BUY A HUNDRED CANS!!!!!!!1"

THE LARGE MAN LOOKS AT THE WOMAN DISDAINFULLY AND SAYS WITH THE FIRST HINT OF A SOUTHERN ACCENT "WELL AH KNOW WE DON'T GOT A HUNDRED CANS IN THE BACK!"

SO JENN AND I ARE DRIVING THROUGH MICHIGAN WHICH IS KIND OF A DREARY STATE AND WE STOP IN SOME SMALL VILLAGE OR POSSIBLY BOOM TOWN WHO KNOWS AND LOOK FOR FOOD. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M GOING TO FIND ANYTHING VEGAN SO I THROW IN THE TOWEL AND GET PREPARED TO EAT A SWEET GLASS OF WATER AND MAYBE A SALAD IF I'M LUCKY. WE GO TO THE NEAREST PLACE, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THIS COMPLETELY RAMSHACKLED HUT. THERE IS THICK BLACK SMOKE POURING OUT OF A HOLE IN THE CORRUGATED IRON ROOF AND SWEARS COMING FROM INSIDE. A LARGE SIGN ADVERTISING A 60 OUNCE STEAK IS PEELING FROM ABOVE THE DOOR. THERE IS SOME SORT OF GREASE POOLING NEAR MY FEET. THIS IS GOING TO BE AN ADVENTURE!

SO JENN AND I WALK IN AND IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. WHAT I ASSUME TO BE A CONVICTED FELON IS STANDING BEHIND THE BAR, YELLING OBSCENITIES AT THE COOK IN THE BACK, AN EQUALLY REPREHENSIBLE OAF WHOSE OUTRAGEOUSLY LONG MULLET IS SWEEPING OVER ALL THE FOOD.

I STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND TRY MY HAND AT CONVERSATION. "DO YOU HAVE A MENU?"

"NO MENU."

I SWING AGAIN "OKAY, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEAT?"

THIS TIME THE COOK IN THE BACK TURNS A BEERY EYE ON ME. "WHAT DOES THAT KID WANT?"

"HE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE HAVE ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEAT"

THE COOK TURNS TO ME "YEAH OF COURSE! WE HAVE FAUX-TURKEY AND MOCK CHICKEN, AND WE ALSO HAVE TOFU SCRAMBLER!"

THIS KNOCKS ME FOR A LOOP. TURNS OUT THIS PLACE HAS A TON OF VEGAN SHIT. JENN & I ORDER A BUNCH OF FOOD TO GO. AS I WALK OUT OF THE BUILDING THE COOK SHOUTS OUT AFTER ME "DON'T FORGET YOU CAN ORDER FROM US ONLINE!!!"

SO I'M HANGING OUT IN THE BASEMENT READING AND MY DAD COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND HE LOOKS AT ME AND HE SAYS "DANGER POINT!! YOU LEFT THE OVEN ON!" AND I'M ALL LIKE "DANGER POINT?"

RIGHT SO IT'S KINDERGARTEN AND IT'S SPRING AND EVERYTHING IS THAWING AND MUDDY. AND ALL THE KIDS HAVE THOSE RUBBER BOOTS THAT GO UP TO OUR WAISTS. THE THING TO DO IN THE MORNING BEFORE CLASS STARTS IS TO FIND A BUDDY, GO FIND A NICE SOFT MUDDY SPOT IN THE PLAYGROUND SOMEWHERE, FACE YOUR FRIEND AND START SQUISHING YOUR WAY DOWN IN THE MUD UNTIL IT'S ALMOST UP TO YOUR WAIST.

WE DID THIS BECAUSE IT WAS FUN. SO KYLE AND I ARE FACING EACH OTHER AND BOGGING OUR WAY DOWN IN THIS MUD PUDDLE. WE GET IT ALMOST TO THE POINT WHERE THE MUD WILL START TO SEEP INTO OUR RUBBER BOOTS. I LOOK AT KYLE AND SAY "HEY KYLE, CAN YOU DO THIS?!" AND I TAKE MY FOOT OUT OF THE BOOT, WIGGLE MY LITTLE SOCKED TOES IN THE SPRING AIR FOR A FEW SECONDS, AND PUT MY LEG BACK IN MY BOOT, WHICH IS FIRMLY LODGED IN MUD.

"YES I CAN!!" KYLE SHOUTS BACK AT ME DESPITE ME BEING ONLY A FOOT AWAY FROM HIM. KYLE TAKES HIS FOOT OUT OF HIS BOOT AND IMMEDIATLY FALLS BACKWARDS INTO THE MUD. BECAUSE ONE LEG IS STILL IN THE BOOT HE IS KIND OF PINNED. THE SUCTION FROM THE MUD IS TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO SIT UP, AND HE CAN'T TURN OVER BECAUSE HIS LEG IS STUCK IN THE BOOT.

THE BELL RINGS AND I LEAVE HIM THERE FOR SOME REASON. IT'S MONDAY MORNING SO WE HAVE ASSEMBLY. THE WHOLE SCHOOL SITS IN THE GYM AND WE SING 'OH CANADA'. OUR PRINCIPAL, WHOSE NAME IS HONEST TO GOD 'MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM' SAYS 'GOOD MORNING STUDENTS' AND THEN WE ALL SAY 'GOOD MORNING MRS. HEGGINBOTTOMBOTTOMBOTTOMBOTTOM' BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GET IT IN SYNC AND SOME KIDS SAY IT FASTER THAN OTHERS.

THEN OUR PRINCIPAL IS ABOUT TO GET INTO THE ANNOUNCEMENTS WHEN THE BIG DOUBLE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THE GYM ARE THROWN OPEN AND SMACK AGAINST THE WALLS WITH A GIANT BANG. ENTER MRS. VAIL, SHORT, BUTCHY VICE PRINCIPAL WITH BICEPS LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER SEEN. SHE'S HOLDING KYLE, WHO APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN DRESSED FROM THE LOST AND FOUND. THERE ARE TEARS JUST STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE. WE ALL STARE AT KYLE AND MRS. VAIL LETS HIM GO. HE RUNS TOWARDS ME, SLIPS ON THE GROUND BECAUSE HE'S IN SOCKS FOR SOME REASON, PICKS HIMSELF UP, AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME. TOTALLY INCONSOLABLE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. WHEN WE GET HOME HE FINALLY OPENS UP TO ME AND TELLS ME THAT MRS. VAIL PICKED HIM UP OUT OF THE MUD LIKE A DYING SOLDIER AND WASTED NO TIME IN STRIPPING HIM NAKED AND DRESSING HIM UP IN SHORT-SHORTS AND A STRAWBERRY-SHORTCAKE TSHIRT EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS A NINJA TURTLE TSHIRT RIGHT THERE.

SO ALSO IN KINDERGARTEN I APPARENTLY THOUGHT THAT THE KIDS IN MY CLASS DIDN'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT COUGARS FOR SOME REASON, BECAUSE I DEFINITELY MADE A SWEET COUGAR QUIZ WHICH I INSISTED ON GIVING OUT TO THE CLASS THE NEXT DAY.

WHAT COLOR IS THE COUGAR? GOLD? NO! BROWN? NO! RED? NO! THE ANSWER IS TAWNY.

THE FIRST TIME MY DAD TOOK ME AND MY SISTER CAMPING I WAS ABOUT 8 OR 9. I REMEMBER WE PARKED THE CAR, I JUMPED OUT AND IMMEDIATELY STEPPED ON A NAIL. WE HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEN WE WENT HOME BECAUSE I HAD TO GET A TETANUS SHOT OR SOME KIND OF SHOT. IT'S ALL KIND OF HAZY.

THE SECOND TIME MY DAD TOOK ME AND MY SISTER CAMPING WAS A MONTH LATER, IN THE MIDDLE OF JULY. WE PARKED THE CAR, AND MY SISTER JUMPED OUT AND IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO LIFT UP SOME SORT OF BOULDER THAT WAS ON A HILL. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY SHE DID THIS. ANYWAY SHE ENDED UP BREAKING HER FINGER. WE HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, AND THEN WE HAD TO GO HOME BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE WITH MOM IN HER HOUR OF NEED.

AT THE END OF SUMMER, MY DAD, OUT OF COMPLETE DESPERATION TO GO CAMPING WITH THE KIDS, TOOK US OUT AGAIN. I REMEMBER HE SEEMED A BIT FIDGETY THE WHOLE WAY THERE, AND I REMEMBER HE WOULDN'T LET US OUT OF THE CAR UNTIL HE HAD SCOUTED AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE CAR MY DAD WAS BUSY TAKING THE BUNGEE CORDS OFF THE ROOF. WE HAD ABOUT A BILLION THINGS UP ON THE CAR WHICH MY DAD HAD SECURED WITH AN UNNECESSARY AMOUNT OF BUNGEE CORDS. ANYWAY FOR SOME REASON I UNHOOKED ONE OF THE BUNGEE CORDS ON MY SIDE OF THE CAR. IT WHIZZED OVER THE CAR ROOF LIKE A METEOR AND CUT MY DAD DEEPLY IN HIS EYEBROW. WE HAD TO DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL, THIS TIME WITH BLOOD STREAMING DOWN MY DAD'S FACE AND ME AND MY SISTER IN TEARS.

ALSO ONCE AT THE COTTAGE MY DAD AND UNCLE RON ARE NOW ARGUING OVER WHO HAS THE NICEST WATCH. RON IS GOING ON ABOUT HIS IS ATOMIC OR SOMETHING AND MY DAD IS TALKING ABOUT HOW HIS IS POWERED BY WRIST MOVEMENTS AND THEY ARE BOTH MAKING EXTRAVAGANT CLAIMS THAT I CAN NEITHER VERIFY NOR DISREGARD. WE ARE ALL WALKING DOWN TO THE BEACH TO GO SWIMMING. AS WE APPROACH THE SHORELINE UNCLE RON CAREFULLY REMOVES HIS WATCH, WRAPS IT IN A CHAMOIS HE MUST HAVE HAD HIDDEN IN HIS BATHING SUIT, AND PLACES IT DAINTILY IN THE CENTER OF A FOLDING CHAIR.

"CAN'T TAKE IT IN THE WATER, EH?!" MY DAD SHOUTS OUT TRIUMPHANTLY AND UNCLE RON GLOWERS. "MY WATCH ISN'T JUST WATER-RESISTANT, IT'S WATER-PROOF!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!" MY DAD SUDDENLY TURNS THE BAND OVER AND SCRUTINIZES THE BACK OF PLATE. "YEP!!!" HE CONTINUES GLEEFULLY "SAYS IT RIGHT HERE - WATERPROOF UP TO 14 WHOLE ATMOSPHERES. WHAT A WATCH!"

RON SILENTLY WADES OUT INTO THE LAKE. MY DAD SPLASHES IN LIKE HE WAS DROPPED OUT OF A PLANE AND SWIMS PAST UNCLE RON, SHOUTING ALL THE WHILE. "14 ATMOSPHERES! THAT'S PRETTY DEEP!! CAN'T DO THAT WITH YOUR WATCH, CAN YOU!" HE SCORES HIS POINT AND TAKES IT FURTHER WITH A LITTLE DIVE UNDER THE WATER. HE SURFACES EXUBERANTLY. "YES, SEE - STILL TICKING!" HE PUTS THE WATCH TO HIS EAR AND SMILES BLISSFULLY ALTHOUGH I'M CONVINCED HE CAN'T HEAR A THING AMID ALL THE SPLASHING HE'S DOING. "YES, THIS IS A FINE PIECE OF CRAFTSMANSHIP. I BET I COULD GO DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE WITH THIS THING!". HE TAKES AN EXAGGERATED DEEP BREATH AND DISAPPEARS INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS OF THE LAKE.

UNCLE RON AND I WAIT. RON LOOKS AS THOUGH THE LAKE IS FULL OF VINEGAR AND HE JUST SWALLOWED A LOT OF IT. ABOUT A MINUTE LATER MY DAD'S HEAD POPS UP A GOOD 50 FEET AWAY FROM. HE'S STILL SHOUTING HAPPILY UNTIL HE LIFTS UP HIS HAND - THE WATCH ISN'T THERE ANYMORE. HE'S SOMEHOW MANAGED TO LOSE IT WHILE SWIMMING AS FAST AS HE COULD UNDER WATER.

A THIN SMILE BEGINS TO CREEP ACROSS UNCLE RON'S FACE AND WITHIN MINUTES HE IS JUST BEAMING. HE STILL REFERS TO THAT TIME AS ONE OF THE BEST SWIMS HE'S EVER TAKEN IN THE LAKE.

SO THIS KID NAMED DAX USE TO ALWAYS HANG OUT WITH US IN HIGHSCHOOL BUT NEVER EVER EVER SPOKE UNLESS HE WAS ASKED TO ANSWER A QUESTION, AND EVEN THEN THAT WAS A RARE OCCURANCE BECAUSE THE TEACHERS ALL KNEW HE DIDN'T LIKE TO TALK.

ANYWAY ONE DAY WE WERE ALL HANGING OUTSIDE AT LUNCH AND I HAPPENED TO MENTION THAT OUR PHYSICAL SCIENCE TEACHER MR. BLORN SPENT THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED HOUR TALKING ABOUT HOW ROBERTA BONDAR WAS THE FIRST WOMAN ON THE MOON.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" MY FRIEND JASON INTERRUPTS, "EARLIER TODAY BLORN TOLD OUR CLASS THAT ROBERTA BONDAR HATED THE MOON AND ONLY WANTED TO BE THE FIRST WOMAN IN SPACE!"

"GOD DAMMIT!" I REPLIED! "I WONDER WHAT THE HELL HE'S TELLING HIS CLASS RIGHT NOW!"

AT THIS POINT DAX CLEARED HIS THROAT AND WE ALL WENT SILENT. "I BET I KNOW WHAT HE'S TELLING THE CLASS RIGHT NOW" HE SAID IN HIS CREAKY VOICE. WE WERE ABSOLUTELY FLABBERGASTED. THIS WAS A RARE MOMENT INDEED. DAX HIKED UP HIS PANTS, PUT A LEG UP ON THE PICNIC TABLE AND PICKED UP A LONG BRANCH WHICH I IMAGINE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE THE YARDSTICK BLORN CARRIED WITH HIM AT ALL TIMES. THE IMPRESSION WAS LACKING, BUT WE DIDN'T MIND - DAX WAS ABOUT TO SPEAK.

"YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S TELLING THE CLASS RIGHT NOW ABOUT ROBERTA BONDAR?" HE LOOKED AT US IMPRESSIVELY. WE ALL NODDED SILENTLY. DAX MADE AN OBSCENE THRUSTING MOTION WITH HIS PELVIS AND ATTEMPTED A POOR MIMICRY OF MR. BLORN'S SANDY VOICE: "YEAH I FUCKED HER, BOYS. I FUCKED HER REAL GOOOOOOOOD."

ODDEST THING EVER.

MY CHEMISTRY TEACHER MR. RESTIVE DIDN'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT CHEMISTRY. HE WOULD STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS WITH THE OVERHEAD PROJECTOR AIMED AGAINST THE FAR WALL, OPENED TEXTBOOK ON THE DESK NEXT TO IT, AND WOULD JUST COPY STUFF STRAIGHT OUT OF THE TEXTBOOK. WE WERE THEN SUPPOSE TO COPY IT OFF THE OVERHEAD. I REMEMBER THIS ONE AFTERNOON HE GOT ALL INTO HIS SUBJECT AND STOPPED WRITING ON THE OVERHEAD AND HIS BROW FURROWED AND HE WENT SILENT FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES AND THEN SMILED SUDDENLY AND WAS ALL LIKE "HMM. HMM.. HEY, THIS IS KIND OF NEAT!!" AND WE WERE ALL LIKE "JESUS CHRIST" AND MR. RESTIVE IS JUST GLOWING AND HE LOOKS UP AND SAYS 'TURN TO PAGE 72'.

SO WE ALL TURN TO PAGE 72 AND IT'S JUST A BIG BLACK AND WHITE PICTURE OF THESE TWO GERIATRICS SMILING AT EACH OTHER AT DISNEY WORLD OR SOME SHIT.

THERE WAS THIS KID IN OUR HIGHSCHOOL WHO ALWAYS HAD POO OR SOMETHING IN HIS NOSE AND WE USE TO JUST CALL HIM 'TOODLES' AND ONE DAY HIS DAD SCREECHED INTO THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT AT ABOUT 90MPH AND LEAPT OUT OF THE CAR AND BOUNDED UP THE LANE INTO THE SCHOOL CARRYING THIS GIANT POT. TOODLES WAS HANGING AROUND BY HIMSELF SMELLING LIKE POO LIKE HE ALWAYS DID AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW HIS DAD IS JUST SCREAMING AT HIM ABOUT HOW HE BURNT SOME RICE IN THE POT LAST NIGHT. AND THEN HE TURNS TO THE CROWD OF CURIOUS STUDENTS STANDING IN A BIT OF A SEMI-CIRCLE, AND HE SHOWS US THE POT WHICH HAS BITS OF BURNT RICE STUCK TO THE BOTTOM AND HE YELLS OUT "THIS!! THIS IS A FIRE!!"

SO IN CUBS OUR CAMP 'LEADERS' ALL HAD THESE RIDICULOUS FAKE NAMES THAT WHERE TAKEN FROM THE JUNGLE BOOK AND WE WERE SUPPOSE TO ADDRESS THEM AS SUCH. NONE OF THE KIDS WHERE VERY HAPPY WITH THIS, AND EVEN AT AN EARLY AGE WE ALL REALIZED OUR CAMP WAS BEING RUN BY A BUNCH OF NERDY TRY-HARDS WHO SEEMED TO HAVE A THING IF YOUNG BOYS CALLED THEM 'AKELA' OR 'BALOO'.

ANYWAY SO WE HAD TO DO THIS WINTER CAMP ENDURANCE EMBARASSMENT. IT BOILED DOWN TO SPENDING A FRIGID NIGHT IN A GODDAMNED BARN IN JANUARY. IT WAS AWFUL. I REMEMBER THERE WAS THIS FAT KID NAMED MARK WHO SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT MAKING ALL THESE LITTLE LABOROUS NOISES AND GENERALLY SOUNDING FOR ALL THE WORLD LIKE A BEACHED WHALE. I ALSO REMEMBER AT ABOUT 2 IN THE MORNING (BECAUSE IT WAS TOO COLD TO SLEEP), SOMEONE TOLD MARK THAT THERE WERE 'CORN CHIPS' HIDDEN IN THE HAY SOMEWHERE, AND THEN MARK WENT VERY STILL FOR A WHILE AND THEN 15 MINUTES LATER WE HEARD HIM MUNCHING. SINCE THERE WERE NO 'CORN CHIPS' WE ASSUMED HE WAS ACTUALLY EATING HAY.

SO ANYWAY THE LAST DAY OF THIS WINTER CAMP ABORTION WE WAKE UP TO FIND OUT THE CAMP LEADERS HAVE DECIDED TO TEACH US HOW TO USE A COMPASS. WE ARE TIRED, BROKEN MEN AT THIS POINT AND IN NO MOOD FOR THESE SHENANINGANS. AKELA OR AKIRA OR WHATEVER IS THRUSTING THESE PIECES OF PAPER WITH INSTRUCTIONS TO ALL THE KIDS. THERE HAVE GOT TO BE ABOUT 400 DIRECTIONS ON THIS PAPER, ALL SAYING THINGS LIKE "GO 55 DEGREES NWN FOR 400 PACES UNTIL YOU SEE A TREE SHAPED LIKE A VULVA".

WE ALL GROAN AND THAT FRUIT "BALOO" EXPLAINS TO US THAT THERE'S A BIG SURPRISE WAITING FOR US AT THE END OF OUR "COMPASS QUEST". MORE GROANING. "BALOO" GIVES US THIS WINNING SMILE AND CRIES OUT "IT'S CHOCOLATE!!!!!"

NOW AT THIS POINT WE ARE DEFINITELY IN A BIG SNOWY FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND TO OUR RIGHT IN THE FAR DISTANCE YOU CAN SEE THE WOODS, AND EVERYWHERE ELSE IT'S JUST HORIZON. THERE IS ONE LONELY LITTLE SHED STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND LIKE A BROKEN TOOTH A MILE AWAY.

THEN ADRIAN SAYS "IS THE CHOCOLATE IN THAT SHED?" AND "BALOO" SAYS "WHAT?" AND THEN I REMEMBER WE ALL STARTED RUNNING TO THE SHED DESPITE THE CRIES AND PLEAS FROM THE COUNSELORS AND SURE ENOUGH THERE'S A BUNCH OF GODDAMNED CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNIES FROM WHO KNOWS WHAT YEAR STACKED UP IN THE SHED. IT WAS AWESOME. WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THE COMPASS QUEST.

OH AND VERY QUICKLY

I WAS PLAYING MONOPOLY WITH KYLE ONCE, AND THIS KID SERIOUSLY CAN'T GET ANYTHING STRAIGHT AND DEFINITELY IS NO GOOD AT ANY BOARD GAME AND WHENEVER WE PLAYED MONOPOLY HE WAS USUALLY BUST BY THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME HE WENT AROUND 'GO'.

ANYWAY THIS ONE TIME HE WENT OUT EXCEPTIONALLY EARLY, EVEN FOR HIM, AND HE THREW HIS LITTLE METAL IRON PIECE ACROSS THE ROOM IN ANGER AND YELLED OUT "I HATE BEING BANK-ROBBED!!!"

SO I WAS AT THE VIDEO STORE A FEW MONTHS AGO AND THIS GUY AND THIS GIRL WERE LOOKING AT THE NEW RELEASES AND THE GUY SAID "HAVE YOU SEEN AVIATOR? AND THE GIRL SAID "AVIAWHAT?"

ALRIGHT SO TODAY THERE'S GOING TO BE A FEW STORIES FROM DAYTONA BEACH. SIX YEARS AGO, WHEN I WAS SEVENTEEN, MY FRIEND MATT AND I PRETTY MUCH STOLE 30K FROM OUR SCHOOL. SOME OF THE MONEY WENT TO FUND AN OUTDOOR KEG-PARTY WEEKEND THING IN MONTREAL, BUT A LOT OF IT WAS FUNNELED INTO A TRIP TO DAYTONA FOR US AND ABOUT 50 OF OUR FRIENDS. WE RENTED OUT WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE MOST DERELICT SHANTY-MOTEL ON THE ATLANTIC STRIP, AND HAD ONE OF THE BEST TIMES OF OUR LIVES.

ALRIGHT SO WE'VE SURVIVED A 22-HOUR BUSRIDE FROM OTTAWA TO FLORIDA THAT INVOLVED CARL THE WEINER-BOY COMPLAINING ABOUT EVERYTHING, CHRIS BITCHING ABOUT EVERYONE NEEDING TO USE THE BATHROOM IN THE BACK, AND JASON BREAKING HIS BRAND NEW PORTABLE DVD-PLAYER, ONE OF THE FIRST MODELS EVER MADE.

WE GET TO DAYTONA AS THE SUN RISES. WE PARK IN FRONT OF THE SEEDIEST ESTABLISHMENT I HAVE EVER LAID EYES ON, AND ARE IMMEDIATELY GREETED BY A WIZENED OLD LADY WHO IS DISTRIBUTING TOWELS AND ROOM KEYS LIKE RATIONS AMONG THE TROOPS. SHE CLAIMS HER NAME IS 'ESMERELDA' BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE A JANE TO ME. SHE QUICKLY LAUNCHES INTO A FASCINATING TIRADE ABOUT HOW IF ANY OF THE FACILITIES IN THE MOTEL DON'T WORK, IT IS BECAUSE WE HAVE ALREADY BROKEN THEM.

I, OF COURSE, AM ALREADY RUNNING TOWARDS THE BEACH. I JUMP IN THE WATER AND SWIM OUT ABOUT 50 FEET AT WHICH POINT I AM STUNG BY A JELLYFISH AND GO INTO ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK. JASON, ALWAYS A BRO, JUMPS IN THE WATER AND HELPS ME GET OUT. WITH MY ARM OVER HIS SHOULDER I STAGGER TO THE FRONT DESK WHERE ESMERLDA IS NOW EXCITEDLY GOING OVER THE LIST-OF-THINGS-THAT-WILL-LOSE-US-OUR-DEPOSITS. I TELL HER SHE NEEDS TO CALL AN AMBULANCE AND SHE GIVES ME A SOUR LOOK. "WHAT ABOUT A CAB?" SHE SAYS?

"I DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME FOR A CAB, I'M DYING" I REPLY SHORTLY.

ESMERELDA BEGINS TO HAGGLE. "LOOK, WHY DON'T WE CALL A CAB FIRST, AND THEN IF IT GETS REALLY BAD WE'LL CALL AN AMBULANCE" SHE SAYS DOUBTFULLY. CLEARLY SHE DOESN'T WANT AN AMBULANCE PARKED IN FRONT OF HER RAT-INFESTED MOTEL.

JASON RUNS INSIDE THE MOTEL AND CALLS AN AMBULANCE WHILE ESMERELDA AND I CONTINUE TO ARGUE OVER THE RELATIVE MERITS OF AMBULANCE VS CAB. FORTUNATELY THERE'S ONE NEARBY AND THEY STOP BY THE MOTEL AND PUT ME ON THE STRETCHER AND TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL. JASON JUMPS IN THE BACK WITH ME.

AT THE HOSPITAL I GO THROUGH THE USUAL - ADRENALINE, NOREPIPINEPHRINE, AND A TON OF BENADRYL DUMPED DIRECTLY INTO THE IV. AS YOU ALL KNOW, BENADRYL MAKES YOU VERY SLEEPY, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE A HUGE DOSE PUMPED INTO YOU INTRAVENOUSLY. WITHIN ABOUT 20 MINUTES I AM SO SLEEPY I CAN BARELY STAND UP, YET AM BEING VERY STUBBORN ABOUT GOING BACK TO THE BEACH. AN HOUR LATER I AM IN THE CLEAR AND RELEASED, DESPITE THE NURSE THINKING I SHOULD STAY OVERNIGHT.

JASON AND I MAKE SOME EDUCATED GUESSES AND FIND A BUS THAT WILL GET US BACK NEAR OUR HOTEL. I CAN BARELY STAND ON THE BUS. I'M STILL IN A WET BATHING SUIT AND TSHIRT AND THAT NOSE-PLUG THING THAT DELIVERS OXYGEN IS DANGLING OUT OF MY POCKET AND I'M TOTTERING ALL OVER THE PLACE. THE BUS STOPS AND OUR MOTEL IS IN SIGHT. THE DOORS IN THE BACK OPEN UP AND I FALL OUT OF THE BUS AND LAND RIGHT ON MY FACE. GASH OPEN MY HEAD AND FALL ASLEEP AT THE SAME TIME. JASON WAKES ME UP, HE LOOKS REALLY CONCERNED.

WE SLOWLY MAKE OUR WAY BACK TO THE MOTEL WITH BLOOD POURING DOWN MY FACE AND BYSTANDERS STARING AT US. WE GET INTO OUR HOTEL ROOM AND I FALL ASLEEP FOR ABOUT 20 HOURS. SO MUCH FOR DAY 1 AT DAYTONA.

WHEN I WAKE UP I IMMEDIATELY FEEL LIKE GOING SWIMMING. I OPEN THE DOOR AND WALK OUTSIDE AND MAKE MY WAY DOWN TO THE BEACH. 20 FEET LATER I SUDDENLY GET VERY TIRED AGAIN, AND SPOT A HOT-TUB FULL OF ELDERY PEOPLE OVER THE FENCE BEHIND THE HUGE HOLIDAY INN THAT'S RIGHT NEXT TO US. I DECIDE THAT'S MUCH CLOSER AND CLIMB THE FENCE AND START WALKING TOWARDS ALL THESE OLD PEOPLE.

THIS HOT TUB MUST HAVE ABOUT TWO DOZEN OCTOGENARIANS CRAMMED IN THERE LIKE SARDINES, AND THEY ARE ALL STARING AT ME. OF COURSE I HAVE A TON OF DRIED BLOOD ON MY FACE BUT I DON'T REMEMBER THAT, AND I MUST LOOK LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A HORROR MOVIE AS I WOBBLED TOWARDS THEM. A FEW REALLY OLD WOMEN WITH LOOKS OF ABSOLUTE TERROR ON THEIR FACES PUSH AWAY FROM ME AS I EASE MYSELF INTO THE HOTTUB.

I'M STILL IN MY BATHING SUIT SO THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD, BUT WHEN I TAKE MY TSHIRT OFF LIFE STARTS TO GET INTERESTING. I'M TOTALLY COVERED IN THOSE LITTLE ELECTRODE-MONITOR THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE LITTLE METAL NIPPLES. THEY'RE STUCK ALL OVER MY BODY FROM WHEN I WAS HAVING MY VITAL SIGNS OBSERVED. I DON'T REALIZE THIS. PRETTY SOON THE BUBBLING WATER WORKS ITS MAGIC AND MY GERIATRIC AUDIENCE WATCHES IN AMAZEMENT AND DISGUST AS SEVERAL OF THESE LITTLE THINGS LOOSEN FROM MY BODY AND START FLOATING AROUND THE HOTTUB. EVERYONE'S AVOIDING ME BUT NOBODY'S GETTING OUT. I JUST SIT THERE BLISSFULLY, MY FACE CAKED IN BLOOD AND DIRT AND A LITTLE SPHERE OF ELECTRODE-MONITORS BOBBING AROUND ME LIKE LITTLE SILVER WATER-LILLIES.

FINALLY THIS ONE OLD MAN ACROSS ME STARTS SHOOTING THESE BALEFUL LOOKS AT HIS COMPATRIOTS, AND THEN ADDRESSES ME DIRECTLY: "SON, YOUR HOO-HAS ARE FLOATIN' AROUND THE POO'"

DAY THREE AT DAYTONA: MARK, JASON, CHRIS AND I ARE SITTING AROUND COMFORTABLY IN OUR HOTEL ROOM. THE DAY BEFORE JASON HAD BOUGHT A STUFFED CRAB FROM THE GROCERY STORE AND 'ACCIDENTLY' LEFT IT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR ALMOST HALF AN HOUR. THE RESULTING SMELL WAS SO BAD AND SO PERMANENT THAT WE WERE MOVED TO ANOTHER ROOM. THIS WAS JUST FINE AND DANDY, AS OUR OLD ROOM HAD A MALFUNCTIONING TOILET.

SO WE'RE SITTING AROUND DRINKING WHEN CARL THE WIENER-BOY BURSTS IN AND TELLS US OUR HOTEL IS BEING RAIDED BY THE POLICE. YOU NEED TO MEET CARL TO UNDERSTAND HIM. HE IS CONSTANTLY HIGH-STRUNG AND EVEN THE MOST PERFUNCTORY ACTION IS THE BIGGEST DEAL TO HIM.

JASON BELCHES PEACEABLY. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NOW, CARL"

CARL IS LOOKING AROUND HIM WILDLY. "THE COPS! THE COPS ARE HERE AND THEY'RE BREAKING INTO EVERYONE'S ROOM AND LOOKING FOR ALCOHOL AND ARRESTING ANYONE WHO ISN'T 21!!!"

MARK LOOKS AROUND HIM AT THE IMPRESSIVE ARRAY OF LIQUOR WE'VE GOT WITH US. WE PROBABLY HAVE THE MOST ALCOHOL OUT OF EVERYONE IN THE MOTEL. HE LOOKS AT ME INQUISITIVELY. "CARL, GO HOME" HE SAYS.

IT'S TOO LATE - CARL'S ALREADY JUMPED OVER ONE OF THE BEDS AND IS RUNNING TOWARDS SEVERAL BOTTLES OF HARD LIQUOR ON THE MANTLE. HE GRABS A 60 OF RUM AND ONE OF WHISKY AND RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM.

THIS SHIT DEFINITELY DOESN'T FLY IN OUR PARTICULAR MOTEL ROOM. I TELL JASON TO START PUTTING THE ALCOHOL INTO EMPTY COKE BOTTLES AND LARGE CUPS FOR NOW, AND FOLLOW MARK INTO THE BATHROOM, WHERE CARL HAS BEGUN TO POUR WHISKEY DOWN THE BATHTUB. MARK SLAPS CARL IN THE FACE, HARD.

"CARL YOU LITTLE WEINER, GET OUT OF HERE!" MARK BELLOWS.

CARL LOOKS AT MARK, THEN AT ME, AND MAKES SOME SORT OF FEEBLE REMONSTRATION ABOUT HOW WE NEED TO GET RID OF THE ALCOHOL. MARK REMAINS UNMOVED AND WE ESCORT CARL OUT.

WHEN I OPEN THE FRONT DOOR (WE'RE ON THE THIRD FLOOR), I NOTICED AN UNUSUAL AMOUNT OF MY FRIENDS MILLING ABOUT ON THE BALCONY BELOW US LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE, AND SEE SEVERAL POLICE OFFICERS DOING A BIT OF A METHODICAL SEARCH. CARL'S LITTLE SPASM ISN'T ENTIRELY FABRICATED, IT SEEMS.

WE EMPTY THE LAST OF OUR ALCOHOL INTO TWO LITER BOTTLES AND ABOUT A DOZEN PLASTIC CUPS, AND THROW THE BOTTLES OUT THE BACK WINDOW ONTO THE BEACH. A MINUTE LATER THERE'S A KNOCK ON OUR DOOR AND COPS COME INTO OUR ROOM. THEY'RE VERY FRIENDLY AND POLITE, AND SAY THERE HAVE BEEN COMPLAINTS OF UNDERAGE DRINKING AND THEY KNOW IT'S SPRING BREAK BUT THEY NEED TO DO THEIR JOBS. THEY DON'T LOOK VERY HARD, AND LEAVE QUICKLY.

THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION. MARK, JASON, CHRIS AND I ALL GRAB A RANDOM CUP EACH AND START DOING SHOTS.

OF COURSE JASON, IN HIS UNENDING HASTE, JUST HAD TO EMPTY A BOTTLE OF RUBBING ALCOHOL CHRIS'S MOM PACKED IN HIS KNAPSACK INTO A CUP, AND OF COURSE I JUST HAD TO CHOOSE THAT PARTICULAR CUP FOR MY CELEBRATION. SINCE I'M ALREADY DRUNK I CAN'T REALLY TASTE THE DIFFERENCE, BUT TEN MINUTES LATER I KNOW SOMETHING'S WRONG. I GO DOWNSTAIRS WITH JASON, WHERE I PLAN TO SIT IN THE LOBBY UNTIL THINGS EITHER GET BETTER OR I NEED ANOTHER AMBULANCE. I DON'T REALLY MAKE IT THAT FAR - ON THE FIRST FLOOR I KIND OF FALL OVER AND CAN'T STAND UP ANYMORE. I REMEMBER BEING REALLY DIZZY. ANOTHER MINUTE AND I'M PASSED OUT FACE DOWN.

NOW FOR SOME WEIRD REASON THIS ONE KID I DON'T REALLY KNOW THAT WELL SUDDENLY COMES INTO THE PICTURE (WORD TRAVELS FAST IN THE MOTEL WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE AND THERE'S ALREADY ABOUT 30 KIDS STANDING AROUND ME). ANYWAY THIS KID, ROBBIE, APPARENTLY SHOUTS OUT SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF "I'VE WATCHED A VIDEO ON SAFETY" AND LEAPS INTO THE FRAY. FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD HE LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN AND ISSUS HIS EXPERT OPINION THAT I NEED TO BE ON MY SIDE. HE THEN GRABS ME BY THE BACK OF MY HEAD AND PULLS MY HEAD UP. UNFORTUNATELY I'M SOAKING WET, IN SOME SORT OF WEIRD COLD-SWEAT, AND ROBBIE'S EXPERT GRIP FAILS HIM. MY HEAD CRASHES BACK DOWN AND I RIP MY HEAD OPEN AGAIN ON THE HALL FLOOR. AMBULANCE COMES, JASON ONCE AGAIN HOPS IN THE BACK. WHEN I RETURN LATER THAT NIGHT ESMERELDA GIVES ME A WITHERING LOOK.

MAN SO IN GRADE 1 I HAD MY FIRST 'CRUSH' ON THIS GIRL NAMED PAMELA WHO WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL. SHE WAS IN MY GYM CLASS AND WE USE TO START OFF GYM WITH OUR IDIOT TEACHER MR. BILEN PUTTING IN SOME 80S JAM IN THE TAPEDECK AND THEN WE'D ALL RUN LAPS TO 'GET OUT OF MY DREAMS, GET INTO MY CAR!!' OR SOMETHING. ANYWAY PAMELA WOULD ALWAYS LAP THE REST OF THE CLASS WITHIN MINUTES. FUCK SHE WAS FAST.

ANYWAY ONE DAY AT LUNCH IN THE PLAYGROUND I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED BUT I DID SOMETHING SUPER NICE FOR HER OR I HELPED HER UP WHEN SHE FELL OR SOMETHING, BUT ANYWAY SHE DECIDED TO 'REWARD' ME BY TELLING ME ON MONDAY WE COULD HOLD HANDS WHILE WE RAN LAPS AROUND THE GYM. IT WAS LIKE TUESDAY AT THIS POINT.

SO EVERY DAY THAT WEEK AFTER SCHOOL I WOULD GO HOME AND RUN LAPS AROUND MY HOUSE, TRYING TO GET FASTER. I WAS SO WORRIED THAT SHE WOULD BE DRAGGING ME BEHIND HER IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS AT GYM. I THINK ACTUALLY DID GET FASTER, BUT I WAS STILL WORRIED. SUNDAY NIGHT FOUND ME IN MY ROOM CRYING BECAUSE I STILL DIDN'T THINK I WAS FAST ENOUGH AND WAS SERIOUSLY TERRIFIED AND DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL.

NEXT DAY AT GYM PAMELA SINGLES ME OUT RIGHT AWAY AND TELLS ME TO HOLD HER HAND. WE'RE ALL STANDING AROUND AT THIS POINT AND MR. BILEN PUTS IN THE FLAVOR OF THE WEEK AND WE ALL START RUNNING. INSTANTLY I FEEL MYSELF GETTING YANKED FORWARD BY PAMELA WHO IS MOVING LIKE A GODDAMNED BULLET AND SHE KEEPS YELLING 'FASTER!! FASTER!!' AND SHE'S STRINGING ME ALL AROUND THE GODDAMNED GYM AND IT'S JUST LIKE MY NIGHTMARES.

ANYWAY EVERYTIME SHE KEEPS YELLING 'FASTER!!' I ACTUALLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO SOMEHOW RUN 'HARDER' AND IT'S TOTALLY WORKING. BY LIKE THE 8TH OR 9TH TIME SHE'S YELLED OUT 'FASTER!!' I'M ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HER AND I FEEL LIKE GODDAMNED HERME HIMSELF AND THEN SHE YELLS OUT 'FASTER!!' AND I ACTUALLY START BEATING HER. AND THEN SHE YELLS OUT 'OKAY THAT'S TOO FAST!' AND I REMEMBER THE WHOLE CLASS IS JUST STARING AT ME IN TOTAL DISBELIEF AND EVEN MR. BILEN SEEMS TO HAVE LOST SOME OF HIS COLOR AND FOR THE REST OF ELEMENTARY I WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL.

ALRIGHT SO I SHOWED PROMISE IN PRESCHOOL AND WAS CHOSEN FOR THIS SPECIAL 'EARLY START' PROGRAM WITH 3 OTHER LOSERS IN MY PROVINCE AND WE SPENT THE MAJORITY OF OUR KINDERGARTEN YEAR IN A MUSEUM. KIND OF SWEET, BUT I DIDN'T LEARN MUCH AND WHEN I WENT TO A REGULAR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN GRADE ONE I WAS THROWN INTO THESE SPECIAL 'ENRICHMENT' CLASSES BECAUSE OF IT. ENRICHMENT SUCKED. IT WAS DONE OVER HALF OF OUR LUNCH AND THE 'BRIGHT' KIDS FROM GRADES 1-6 WOULD GET TOGETHER AND WE'D BE GIVEN THESE RIDICULOUS PROJECTS.

ANYWAY I REMEMBER THIS ONE YEAR THE PROJECT FOR THE ENRICHMENT KIDS IN GRADES 1-3 WAS TO DO SOME LOSER PRESENTATION OF 'THE LOON' OR SOMETHING, WHICH WAS THIS TOTALLY RANDOM INDIAN/NATIVE AMERICAN NARRATIVE THAT INVOLVED THINGS LIKE TREE SPIRITS AND MENORRAHS AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE.

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i-am-the-spaceman · 5 years

Text

Trade all of my past for a looking glass

Upon reflection, I think I've made significant progress with repairing my relationship with my parents. I rose above the generalized existential resentment of a mismanaged childhood, seeing as the ball is in my court now.

There are 2 major moments that I hope mean as much to them as they do to me.

With my father: I sort of resented him for leaving me and my brother to fend for ourselves with my generously unpredictable and often malevolent mother when I was 3yo. But he actually fought for our custody my for whole childhood, but my mom knew how to pull the strings. She twisted our minds to think "if he really loved you, he'd be here". So he involuntarily became a C-lister throughout most of my development. But there were a multitude of crisis moments where he put his life on pause to help me and my brother--to bail us out and provide us a safe-haven from the hellscape of a dictatorship I was subjected to under my mother and her new husband. Yeah, I might have been the "problem child", but he went above and beyond on so many occasions. It took me a long time to see the sacrifices Jeff made in effort to give us a better life by proxy of joint legal custody.

So on his birthday this year, I gave him a call, and I thanked him for his unconditional support despite receiving the bum end of parenthood. I thanked him for always trying to make visits with him unique and memorable with trips and activities. From ordinary excursions to the zoo or museums, to expertly planned adventures to Florida, Tennessee, Yellowstone and beyond.

I thanked him for providing shelter when the abuse got bad.... for fighting for us when we showed up with bruises on our wrists and guts and backs and eyes... for advocating for us legally, even tho he knew Sallie was too crafty to lose, and Hennepin County CPS was to incompetent to do jack shit about it because my mom made more money than him. I thanked him for picking me up from the police stations and foster homes when I got myself into real trouble, driving me to court in suitcoats and ties he borrowed me. For visiting me in the hospital after my overdose. For driving down to Austin to see me after one of my attempts landed me locked up in residential. There were so many sacrifices he's made over the decades, and I acted so entitled to them, but now that we're both older and over the worst of it, it's my time to make it up to him. <3

~~~

The other moment of reconciliation Ive had this year was with my mother. We went out to eat, as we do every 6 months or so. This has just about been the extent of our relationship since a couple years after I moved out. (When I moved out, it involved a black eye and a police officer shaming me for trying to press charges on my oWn MoThEr). We dont celebrate holidays or birthdays, so I never really have any conventional incentives to interact with her or Harold. But this spring we went out to a Vietnamese restaurant and I paid for her meal. As we were waiting for our food, she pried into my life, cast judment on my appearance (hair, piercings, tats, etc.), and my asked me about my love life. I give her all superfluous answers, as Ive learned to. The less she knows about me, the less she can use against me. Im not even exaggerating. Eventually, after she realized I wasn't going to open up, she began to ask me about Jeremy. Both of my parents love to vent about my little brother, voice their grievances over him, speculate about his mental health and condemn his every decision like hes void of individuality because of lack of ambition to concede to anyones projections of the sort of life they think he should live (thats a run on sentence if Ive ever seen one). He's a smart kid--kind and creative. But just as flawed, troubled and confused as you'd expect from who's been thru what we have. I usually respond fairly straightforward to any shit talking about my brother with a very harsh conversation stopper like "not my problem, thats between you and him". But before I could, she asked me a groundbreaking question: "why do you think he's like this?"

And, the rest, verbatim (with context), is a richly encumbered exchange.

"Because he's mad at you" I responded insightfully, but bluntly.

She paused, then asked "Are you mad at me?"

"I dont see any reason to be" The words rolled off my tongue without skipping a beat. My mind had nothing to do with the formation of those words. My heart, which had agonized for ages and only wanted peace, spoke that sentiment.

"I dont see any reason to be"

There was a heavy silence as my mom looked down and grinned a relieved grin. I looked out the window and glew, because in that moment of objective truth, I had lifted the clichéd weight of decades of lingering spite. I thought about that exchange for the rest of the day, the week. And even think about it now, every once in a while.

It wasn't much, but a true release of resentment a spirit of amiability is the greatest gift I can give to her right now. And I think by relinquishing that power I had over her, I have created a fair playing field and potential for something healthy between us for the first time in 25 years. Since then, we've been able to have a more open channel of communication. Hopefully we can grow from there.

~~~

Im shaking as I write this. I hate this. But this is progress. This is overcoming the human condition. We all incur unjust injuries, but to heal with full knowledge of the pain is something monumentally human.

#i am the spaceman #self

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kane-and-griffin · 7 years

Note

I'm really sad about something I don't understand and was hoping you could explain. Why do people block without giving a reason to? I don't why it first seems like it's all going so well then the next you're blocked and you don't know why or what you did or said wrong? It's happened twice now and to say it hurts is an understatement.

Oh, my precious Kabby babies. Circle up, it’s time for some firm butgentle life advice from Mom.

First of all, unless I personally am the person who blocked you (whichI’m obviously not since we’re having this conversation!), in a very real sensethe short answer to this question is that you know I can’t actually answer thisquestion. You’re asking me to tell youwhy a person I don’t know did a thing for which I have no context, and forwhich there could be a thousand reasons. So in a concrete, specific sense, my answer is: I do not know.

However.

(You knew there was going to be a however.)

Social media is a deeply personal avenue for self-expression and it’s also aworld where many of us spend a great deal of our time, which means that we havethe full and free right to customize it into exactly what we want it tobe. The things that you post are personal reflections of you, which is why it bums you out when someone mutes or blocks or doesn’t followback; it feels on some level like a personalrejection. But the space you curate is also a personal reflection of you. You have the rightto post anything you want and other people have the right to choose not to seeit. Both of those rights are equal, eventhough you’re only on one side so naturally the other one feels like it’s insome way “wrong.”

I’m speaking with zero context for what your preexisting relationship withthese people was beforehand (like obviously if it was a close friend and theyblocked you out of nowhere, you’re going to have to sort that out with themdirectly, I can’t advise you there), but it’s important to remember that theremay be no “right” and wrong” in this scenario. It’s fully possible forboth of these things to peacefully coexist at the same time:

1) your absolute right to feel a little bit rejected and hurt that astranger on the internet made the choice that they didn’t want your socialmedia sphere to overlap with their social media sphere,

and

2) that other person’s absolute right to say “if something or someone makesme feel even the tiniest bit ‘nope’ I am purging it out of this space so it isexactly what I want and need it to be.”

They don’t need to have a reason. That sucks, when you’re on the receiving end of it, which all of us have been - it truly and genuinely sucks - but it’s also reality. One of the hard truths that incidents like this make us sometimes have toface - and we don’t want to face these things, because they can feel reallyicky and vulnerable and ping all the little gremlins in our brain - is this:

nobody on the internet owes you their time or attention foranything you do or say.

This sounds mean and brutal, and I don’t mean it to be, because you know mom loves you, but it’s incrediblyimportant, so I’m going to say it again to make sure that if nothing else, thisgets through:

nobody on the internet owes you their time or attention foranything you do or say.

The celebs you stan don’t owe you a response to your tweet, justbecause you want one. The people you tag in meta don’t owe you rebloggingit to continue having that conversation with you forever, just because you wantto prove you’re right. The fans of the fic you write for your mostpopular ship don’t owe you crossing over to give you hits on yourrare-pair fic if they don’t feel like it. Nobody owes you a certainnumber of followers, nobody owes you a response to every anon you send them,nobody owes you finishing that fic you like in time for them to read it whenthey feel like reading it. We owe each other one thing and one thingonly: basic human decency. That’s it. Everything else is freelyoffered to the world, and freely taken by the people who want it. It’snot a transactional exchange. If you make art or write fic and you put itout there into the world, you’ve done a cool thing, and whether it gets tenhits or thousands it was still worth doing. There will be people whoaren’t interested, but if you get hung up on feeling rejected by that, it willparalyze you.

Social media is personal. That’s unavoidable. It’s an extension of ourselves. When someone is cruel to you or to one ofyour friends on the internet, even if it’s an anonymous stranger, it feelsshitty. When you express an opinionabout something and a ton of people reblog it and the tags are full of “OMG YESTHISSSSS”, it feels great. We all experiencethat in different ways. Society has always selected arbitrary measures for young girls and women tolive up to in order to feel like they’re popular or they’re approved by thecool kids, and right now it’s things like “how many followers do you have” and “didyou get an RT from a celebrity” and “how many likes on your posts”. So ona primal level, maybe having someone you thought was a friend block you on Twitter or Tumblr hits you in the same deep coreplace as having the cool kids not come to your birthday party. That feeling is super real! It brings upalllllll that deep stuff we try to hide and pretend that we’re aboveexperiencing, but we all have those squishy vulnerable inner selves that justneed the cool kids to like us and we feel bad when they don’t.

I had this exact conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago when she wasgiving me a hard time because my book has 60 reviews on Amazon, of which likethe majority are 5 stars with two negative ones, and I have both the negativeones like memorized. And she was like “CLAIRE. WHAT THE HELL. WHY DO YOU DO THIS? 58 POSITIVE AND YOU CANNOT QUOTE A SINGLEONE. TWO SHITTY ONES AND YOU KNOW THEMVERBATIM. THAT IS NOT HEALTHY BEHAVIOR.” And I was like “… . okay fine when youput it that way, yes I do sound like a crazy person.” So like my advice to you – advice which I havejust proven I am absolute garbage at taking myself, so like I may have justeroded my own credibility in my efforts to help – is to remember that you probablyhave a lot more than two followers so honestly this is probably not a badcollective ratio, and there may be lots of people who are very interested inwhat you have to say but you’ve focused a lot of your energy on these two people andit’s worth giving some thought as to why that is.

My question for you is this: what is the net negative impact of having thesetwo people block you on social media? Like in an actual, concrete way, separate from those sort of core gut “Ifeel unloved in this moment” feelings, what is the effect on your life? You might be surprised. It might be zero. In which case, let yourself feel thosefeelings, experience them as valid, and then breathe through them and move onand keep on doin’ you.

I’m pushing backon you a little bit here very gently because it feels, reading this anon, likeyou’ve made a determination of hurtful intent on the part of the person whoblocked you, or at the very least a certainty that this choice that made wasabout you and not about them. That the fact that things seemed to be going fine and then they blocked you means you were somehow intentionally misled or mistreated. Be really, really, really carefulabout deciding the cool girl didn’t come to your birthday party because she’s abitch who wanted to make you feel terrible and is sitting somewhere cackling atthe thought of your sad lil’ face waiting by the front door; maybe she didn’tcome to your birthday party because she has depression and it’s hard for her toleave the house sometimes and she knew your party would be loud and wild and crazyand too much for her brain to handle right now. Be careful about presuming negative intent with no proof it exists. The internet makes this so easy, the internetconditions us for this, and itconditions us to respond in kind. The worst thing you could do here is to, like,make a callout post or subtweet in the hopes that it will get back to them andthey’ll feel bad, or to sic your other followers onto them, because that turnsthis into a situation that really doeshave a right and wrong; and since you don’t know if they were trying to makeyou feel shitty, or just went on a big block/mute purge to whittle their listdown for mental health reasons that are totally their own, once things escalateyou can’t put the horse back in the barn. It’s too late. Now it’s A Thing,when maybe it never really needed to be A Thing. And in almost all situations for almost allpeople in almost all ways, Kabby Mom’s advice is going to be, “please thinkcarefully before you make this A Thing.”

This got long, I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately about theconversations I’m always having with fandom folks the way we let social mediapermeate and shape our sense of self, in good ways and bad, so I apologize formy verbosity but also not really because that’s how things roll over in KabbyMom’s Advice Corner. But I will sum upin bullet points for those of you who have been skimming, to bring you up tospeed:

Everyone has the right to curate their own social media spacehowever they see fit, and they don’t have to explain their reasons.

They aren’t obligated to include you in that space even if you want themto.

None of that is an objective measure of your worth as a person or a signthat you should stop being you on the internet.

Your feelings of rejection come from a real place and you get to feelthem, as long as

You are striving to move through them without permitting them to paralyzeyou, and finally

You never use someone else’s choice to curate their social media sphere as ajustification for treating them like crap.

Focus on your positive interactions instead of negative ones – your friends,creating stuff and putting it out into the universe – whether it be art, fic,opinions, a podcast, gifsets, crackposts, whatever – and your social mediaworld will be a better place.

In the immortal words of the great Michael J. Fox, “What other people thinkof me is none of my business.”

#Anonymous #From the Inbox #kabby mom's advice corner #kabby mom gets anons #Social media #fandom #advice

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jojen-hewitt · 8 years

Photo

“Better luck next time.”

Bank Robber AU for @ambiguous-eyepatch for the Valentines @aftgexchange!

I had a lot of fun drawing these and I hope you like it! 😃

I realized too late that this wasn't exactly what you meant by your prompt, sorry about that, but I hope it's still okay!

The rest of my mini-fic/headcanons/ramblings about this AU are below the cut:

Okay, so right off the bat I got a little carried away with this AU and its way longer than I thought it'd be, so tldr version; Andrew and Neil are rival thieves who sometimes help each other out. Neil gives fake names, Andrew finds him interesting. Two finger salutes are used back and forth. The others make appearances. Neil's a little shit to Riko. Totally impractical, illegal, and very convenient scenarios ensue. Exactly what you'd expect from what was supposed to be a Bank Robber AU but turned more into a Cat Burglar AU. Again, sorry about that!

So, *rolls up sleeves*

Andrew, Aaron, and Nicky are a gang of thieves (Aaron is the tech/medic guy, Andrew's the thief, Nicky is usually the distraction/get away driver). The three of them have been doing this since the twins were in high school. ("It's expensive raising two twin boys as a single parent. Especially when one has expensive tastes in cars and the other wants to be a doctor!" "For the last time Nicky, stop telling people we're your kids!!")

Although Andrew has been doing this on his own for a while (it's how he got himself thrown into juvie)

Neil takes to becoming a thief after his mom died. They still went on the run because they stole from his father, so he thought that would be the best way to keep up some kind of income. He changes name and appearance to avoid police and his father (heads up now, this is the last time Nathan's mentioned, didn't know how else to add him).

Neil threw his outfit together at a thrift store (Orange was the only colour of bandana left, ok).

Andrew of course bought nice, expensive, dark clothes that can blend easily in a crowd. Also to make him look ninja like, not like anyone but Nicky would dare to admit it though.

These two first meet at the Hernandez Museum in Arizona. Neil tries to steal a painting; Andrew whacks him in the gut with his poster portfolio before grabbing the painting and high tailing it outta there, (Not before he gets a fake name from Neil (probably Stefan)),

"Better luck next time." *two finger salute*

As Neil moves on to South Carolina, sometimes the orange gets recognized, so the papers have taken to calling him The Fox ("Really, Matt? That's what they call him?" "Yeah, you know, orange face mask and he's a thief. Dan came up with it. Makes sense if you ask me.")

Side note, Neil is Matt's new roommate and Matt has no clue what's going down, but accepts that his roomie runs at weird hours and prefers to keep things surface level in conversation. They're still bffs during the day when their schedules intersect.

Dan, the investigative reporter interested in this string of robberies, lives with Renee next door to the cousins, those shifty looking guys who are always angrily whispering in German at each other and coming and going at weird times, but Nicky seems nice enough and Dan thinks Renee has a thing for Andrew, (she does not, they just spar together once a week, and Renee may or may not teach Andrew some lock picking techniques... maybe), so they let it go.

Allison is a close friend of the girls and owns some of the valuables/buildings that get targeted. She's sort of confused when some of these items return a few weeks after Dan reports about them stolen, with a fox sticky note attached

(Neil may steal for a living, but he feels bad when he finds out some of that stuff is hers, so returns the more sentimental items. Andrew does not.)

Kevin is the detective trying to catch these thieves with his new partner - Andrew, who uses info to get a good location/hit or cover his trail. (also puts that criminal justice degree to some use).

*I debated making Kevin a security guard but liked the idea of Andrew being his partner while also being the criminal they're trying to catch dynamic better*

Kevin eventually joins up with Andrew's crew because Riko (Kevin's old partner, also on the robberies case) just took things way too far and sort of snapped, almost injuring Kevin. He won't take part in the robberies himself, but he'll help give a lead or distract the attention of the other officers when Andrew needs it. (He just wants Andrew to help keep him from Riko again.)

Kevin takes his job very seriously, but when he finds out Neil, an old childhood acquaintance, is The Fox he warns him to run before more trouble starts up with Riko (Neil does not, he's found a life here, even if some of its a lie, and he's gonna fight for it).

Kevin starts drinking around this time. (seriously, all he wanted was to be a good detective like his mom and dad, now he's covering for two thieves he's supposed to be apprehending for lord knows what reason)

Seth is a security guard who Nicky takes great pleasure in knocking out (he overheard the guy said some shitty things about gay people while they were staking out the place earlier)

Erik is the cousins' international seller.

Wymack is the police chief/commissioner and doesn’t get paid enough.

Now back to the thieving.

Neil keeps running into this guy at his heists and it turns into a sort of one sided rivalry of Neil trying to case the joint before Andrew gets there.

It barely works, Andrew always beats him there, but he gets better at it. (and someone would be lying if they said Andrew doesn't wait sometimes to see if the Fox shows up)

Neil's taken to calling Andrew the Monster because Allison hates whoever keeps stealing her stuff (also, getting hit by a portfolio tube hurts, Andrew, of course he's gonna think you're a monster at first) but after one time he hears Aaron yelling over Andrew's earpiece, he extends the title to "the Monsters".

which is also roughly when Andrew gives him some sort of name in return to Neil's alias (Chris this time around) because this has been going on for months now.

Andrew eventually makes a deal with him to help each other out because this thief is a train wreck and is gonna get them caught eventually (Andrew will keep the police off his tail and Neil just has to help Andrew with some of the trickier robberies).

Andrew tends to chat a little with this weird Fox named Alex or Stefan or Chris or Duncan or whoever he is today, just 'cause these robberies have started to bore him, but this,

this guy is something interesting

And they start to learn little seemingly inconvenient things about each other

("Oh, there's knives in those? Good to know." "Your mom's dead? Same for my brother. Paid for my car." "Favourite color is grey actually!" "You're more a raccoon than a fox." "Actually my family never celebrated holidays. What brings you to a jewelry store on Thanksgiving?" "I don't like being touched." "Tell your friend that I can in fact understand what he's saying in German... And fuck him too." "Ice cream is the best goddamn food in the world and I will gut you for saying otherwise!")

... Ok, last one is more context than verbatim, but you get the point...

As he gets better, Neil starts to leave little fox sticky notes behind with insults towards Detective Moriyama (because fuck that guy, he keeps bad mouthing The Fox in the news and saying it'd be easy to catch "an amateur like this flea"!!)

Kevin and Andrew have mini heart attacks when they find them ("why agree to my protection when you clearly have a death wish?!")

Eventually, Neil has perfected the art to the point where he can get the item/money before Andrew arrives, but against his better judgement (and the screams of his mother in his head to "Just run! Run! Get out of there while you can!") he stays, even just to leave Andrew with a new fake name.

One of these nights Neil almost gets caught by Riko on patrol, (who is still rather enraged by the last note; how does the Fox even know about his daddy issues?), so he has to change his appearance last minute to not get recognized on the streets.

Matt is the most surprised by the new auburn hair and blue eyes, but again, he rolls with it. Recommends that his girlfriend's roommate is really good with dying hair if he wants to mix it up again though.

Andrew and Aaron get into some trouble (*cough*Drake*cough*) so the Monsters are out of commission for a while.

Neil feels slightly responsible (somehow his tip off to Andrew leads to it, I don't know).

They haven't seen each other since that night.

Andrew eventually gets back into the swing of things ("Andrew are you sure..?" "Yes Nicky, now get in the fucking car.")

One night Kevin gets him a tip off about an opportunity at the EVRMR Private Bank (inside info from Jean who just so happens to hate working there and the Moriyamas, who own the place).

So as Andrew makes his way to the roof, he hears something below (hurried foot steps from all too familiar worn out shoes below) and he takes a glance and sees a flash of orange.

And there's that bothersome shadow who was only supposed to be a brief distraction from routine,

but now he's got a slightly new look and what appears to be a duffle full of what's supposed to be Andrew's cash.

Neil senses eyes on him and sees a figure on the roof and just knows.

Cue two finger salute. "Better luck next time!!"

And he's gone.

(Andrew still checks the vault and finds a fox sticky note that says 'Abram')

*cue Aaron's screams of annoyance and Nicky's demands to know if this guy is at least hot if they keep letting him take their marks*

(Kevin probably is downing a vodka bottle somewhere, but that's a given)

Next day, Riko is out for blood. Jean eventually quits and goes to work at the Trojan Bank.

Later, Dan decides to throw a house party for reasons (maybe a successful article? Matt got a promotion? A doomed attempt to get Renee and Andrew together?)

Renee calmly asks Andrew to come and he agrees for the sake of free booze (also Nicky has been making annoying puppy dog faces at the door ever since Dan asked him and he had to say no)

He's bored and tired and hates that his boss and Kevin are there

(Dan spends so much time hounding the police station for stories that Wymack has essentially adopted her)

Then Matt comes in with a quiet, auburn haired roommate called Neil.

That's when things start to get interesting.

#foxhole court #neil josten #andrew minyard #andreil #aftgexchange #ambiguous-eyepatch #aftg art #my art #my writing #sorta #gift exchange #bank robber au #i really hope you like it #you are such an amazing artist btw!#i felt honored making this for you!#:D #sorry its not really what you asked for... and is really long...

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