#DI Tessa Burns 1

[cathygeha]

REVIEW

Little Witness by S.A. Dunphy

DI Tessa Burns #1

Excellent introduction to a new series that captured my interest from page one and provided the perfect introduction to a new team that will work together to solve cases involving children and/or vulnerable adults.

What I liked: * Tessa Burns: parents murdered when she was young, spent years in the child-care system, ex-military, has nightmares, survivor, strong, lethal, dedicated, wise, mature, good friend, intriguing, good people skills, team player and egalitarian leader

* Danny Murphy: lost his parents when young, raised in foster system, has anger management issues but can be a gentle giant, has great potential, sees Tessa as a mentor, interested to see how his character develops

* Maggie Doolan: family liaison officer, psychology and sociology degrees, qualified therapist, teaches wheelchair self defense classes, has cerebral palsy, friends with Tessa since childhood

* Pavlov: Maggie’s partner, a small black-and-white terrier-mix, bright, calming presence, protective, great addition to the character list

* Aisling Connolly: strong, resilient, survivor, quick thinking, parents disappeared

* Starting the series with book one, finding out how Tessa is put in charge of the team and why, and getting to see the team begin to work together

* The plot, pacing, setting, and writing

* The police procedural aspects and how the case unfolded

* That I became invested in the story and cared about the outcome

* The hook at the end that introduces the next book

* All of it and too many things to list every one of them

What I didn’t like:

* Who and what I was meant not to like

Did I enjoy this book? Yes

Would I read more in this series? Definitely

Thank you to NetGalley and Bookouture for the ARC – This is my honest review.

5 Stars

BLURB

They came in the dark. They took her parents. And now she is the only one who can save them. Hidden away in an isolated cabin on the edge of her farm, seven-year-old Aisling Connolly shivers as the cold night air whistles through her thin jacket. It’s been two days since the men came, since her mammy told her to run like she’d never run before, to not look back. She hasn’t seen her parents since. And she’s terrified. But when Aisling is finally found by the police, she knows instinctively she can trust Detective Tessa Burns. A former child-witness herself, Tessa understands what Aisling has been through, and that Aisling must remember everything she can about that terrible, dark night if she’s to save her parents. Something Tessa was unable to do for her own parents all those years ago. As the little girl slowly starts to open up, Tessa uncovers much more than she’d bargained for – another murder, clearly a horrific warning to Aisling not to speak. But time is running out, and any hope of finding Aisling’s parents alive is rapidly fading. And Tessa must do everything in her power to ensure the little girl isn’t next… An utterly gripping Irish police procedural filled with unexpected twists. Perfect for fans of Peter May, Lisa Regan, and Patricia Gibney.

[faeryclown]

the NO-SKIP albums: a tag game 🎶💖

rules: share the albums that you can listen to nonstop. those lightning in a bottle-albums that scratch ur brain just right. every single track, an absolute banger. u could not skip one if u tried. no notes. stunning, show-stopping, immaculate. ur no-skip albums. 🔎 bonus & optional (but imo, v fun) rules: 1) add a track rec for us to listen to! AND 2) share ur favorite line(s) from that track! 👀

Thanks for tagging me @apricotdeer 🥺🤍 Sorry for taking so long. I actually couldn't decide bc I had SO MANY no-skip albums that I kept changing my mind 😭 Tagging @padawanton @highway-stars @iidsch @darkwehl if you feel like :)

🎧 album info/track recs/favorite lines under the cut

💭 Lucid Dreaming by Say Lou Lou

Fav Track: Wilder Than the Wind ↳ We'll ride the night / Every second is like I'm dying here with you

🔮 The Magic by Lola Blanc

Fav Track: The Magic ↳ But I can't find it so would you please / Enchant me? Give me a potion / For my devotion to the emotion

🪽 Saved by Now, Now

Fav Track: SGL ↳ Starry-eyed / I was young and undone / But I could have died / With you there in the sun

🌙 Threads by Now, Now

Fav Track: Prehistoric ↳ It may be different now, but the pattern won't wash out / Covers up our eyes, leaves us knots and severed ties / We follow new lines

✨ Midnight Machines by Lights

Fav Track: Follow You Down ↳ So just call me, you know I will be waiting / For you as you walk towards that redemption sound / You know I'll be the stillness when you're shaking / And when you fall overboard, I'll follow you down

💗 Love & Desire by MYZICA

Fav Track: Endless Love ↳ Run with me following the stars above / Running free forever in an endless love / Run with me

🍒 Summertime by Luna Shadows

Fav Track: Cherry ↳ 'Cause darling if you call me, I’ll come running / Just let me turn out all the lights in the dead of night / 'Cause I'm, I'm your lovely / Burning for my turn to be your one and your only / Ready for your eyes, sweet on the inside by your summertime

💀 We Don't Stop by Aly & AJ

Fav Track: Good Love ↳ So I keep waiting to touch somebody / Keep you closer on my body / To love somebody /To kiss somebody

💫 MY GOD! by Tessa Violet

Fav Track: song without a title ↳ Left my love in idle, song without a title (Here I go again, take it back what I said) / It's not love (Again, again, again) / (Never gonna play with fire) / It's just what you get (My god, my god) / Tell myself I hate you, tell myself we're made to (All my love) / Fall in love and fall apart (My god, my god)

[bookaddict05]

Mystery man - pt 2

"I... cant... breath..." I say coming to a holt in the middle of the gym after running 20 laps.

Collapsing to the floor Barnes chuckles to himself. "It wasn't that hard" he says continuing to chuckle.

"Yeah thats easy enough for you to say you have the super soldier serum running through your veins" I retorted back.

"..."

Silence hums through the air between the both of us.

"Well we are done for the day, you can go and do whatever u have planned to do" he walks away from me leaving me sitting in the middle of this gigantic room all alone. Its actually quite peaceful.

~2 hours later~

As im getting out of the shower i hear something get slid under my door. I walk over to see an envelope with my name on. The letter was sealed shut with a wax stamp, so fancy. I throw on a jumper and joggers and run through the bathroon knocking on tessa's ajoining door.

"COME IN" I hear them shout. Walking in tessa is holding the same letter as i am. Shrugging our shoulders we both open the letters simultaneously, like we are sharing the same brain cell.

"Omg tony stark has invited us to a party tonight!" I exclaim in excitment.

"Thats so fricken cool" tessa shouts.

"I have nothing to wear" i pace back through to my room with tessa right on my heals. "I didnt think to pack any formal clothing, i never thought in my wildest dreams id be invited to one of these"

"Hey dont panic we have time it says it doesnt start till 8 anyways, its 4 now we can quickly pop out and find something and it doesnt matter if we are late to the party we will arrive fashionably late" says tessa.

"Omg tessa you are a star i dont know what i would have done without u, probably have a melt down then decide not to go and just read for the night instead" i say while chuckling.

"Yeah yeah im amazing i know, now lets get going"

~1 hour later~

We arrive back with our outfits for the night

I picked up a beautiful floor length red dress that flows so effortlessly while i walked. With a heart-shaped neckline my neck looked bare so i also picked up a necklace my mother had given to me before she died, a small golden love heart which completed the outfit in every way.

Tessa on the other hand picked out a black suit to match their goth lifestyle.

We took our time doing our make up and making ourselfs look stunning as ever.

9pm rolled around and we are already an hour late. A rush of anxiety coursed through me as we walked towards the door of the party. Taking deep breaths in to calm down. Music playing so loudly. We open the doors and the music perfectly timed it self with us playing the chorus of 'jealous' by nick jonas.

It was like something just out of a movie, just so dramatic. Walking through the doors I could feel eyes burning on us I turned to look at Tessa beside me to see that they had disappeared and saw them talking to 2 other agents. I continue to walk through the party taking in all the planning that must have went into this in such short time.

I walk over to the bar where I see Natasha serving Bruce. And sit down. "You look stunning y/n" Natasha says automatically.

"Thanks Nat, you look stunning as well" I stay with them for a while, Nat handing me a drink over, a vodka and coke. While chatting I felt as if there was a set of eyes on me from behind.

I turn around to see the metal man himself standing with Steve and Sam in a conversation, he's standing facing me eyes piercing straight into mine, I smile at him and he smiles back. Strange interaction with the metal man. I turn back around feeling my heart racing, why is he having this affect on me? no one has ever made me feel like this, not since the accident that ended my mothers life.

I got lost in a trance of thinking of my past but I was brought out of it after hearing a deep toned voice come and approach me, I turn to see a dark haired man. Muscles bulging through his black dress shirt, arm sleeves rolled up exposing his tanned muscular arms. He looks at me with deep chocolate brown eyes.

"Hey" the dark haired man said with a smile

I smile back and say hey back

He introduced himself as Eddie

He is perfect in everyway, too perfect.

"Your Y/N right ?" he asked

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

"I'm a new recruit and I've been placed into your group for practice missions"

"Wait? Edmundo?"

"Yeah"

"great to meet you, I've heard brilliant things from the S.H.I.E.L.D Academy, I hope you can live up to these expectations. If you can excuse me I need to head to the toilet and find my friend, I hope you have a great rest of your night" I say while smiling.

I excuse myself from the bar and head towards the toilets. I look at myself in the mirror, not looking physically flustered but I could feel it internally. I shove the feelings back down to where they belong and pull myself together.

I plastered a big smile across my face and went back out amongst the crowd. I walk across the room and grab Tessa. "WE ARE GOING TO DANCE" I shout over the music. I drag them to the dance floor and we cause chaos. Jumping and singing to the top of our lungs like no one was watching.

That's when we heard the initial sound, glass smashing and everything fell silent. The windows to the function room that overlooked the whole of New York fell into the room an object landing in the middle of the room. A bomb.

"RUN OR GET DOWN" I scream, everyone ran to cover but when the bomb exploded I wasn't far enough, the force from the explosion sent me flying into the wall. My head colliding with the wall first causing me to black out.

[strawberryshortcake1495]

Introducing my Murder Drones x Ninjago AU!!!

Lore: So basically Misako replaces Tessa in this story, and she’s the one who has the rich girl mommy daddy issues and is the one who takes in the Disassembly Drones. They follow her into her adulthood, where she meets Wu and Garmadon. At first, Garmadon didn’t really mind the drones being there, but there was this small flame of jealousy that burned within him and the venom took advantage of that. He grew to hate the drones, but he was able to merely tolerate their presence for Misako’s sake. But then the serpentine war happened, and Chen planted some bombs near Jamakai Village. The Elemental Alliance builds a getaway plane but Garmadon “accidentally” leaves the Drones behind. When Misako finds this out, she stays behind to save them but dies from the explosion. The drones barely survive and have a bunch of explosion scars. Garmadon is devastated with the loss of his wife but that grief turned to rage. He gave the drones a piece of his mind, telling them it was their fault that Misako died. Eventually, all the drones went their separate ways.

Pre-Season 1: Lloyd grew up in the monastery for 4 years until one day, he was playing in the garden when he fell off a cliff. N was camping in the gorge when he found the poor baby. It was miracle from FSM himself that he managed to revive Lloyd. He would’ve taken him back to the monastery, but it’s been years since Misako’s death and he didn’t remember where the monastery was. So N takes him to Darkley’s instead and watches over him like a big brother. Eventually, N reunited with V and J, but not Cyn. J was the same old rude drone as before but V was different…she used to be clumsy and shy but now she acted more like J. They decide to raise Lloyd together in Darkley’s until he’s kicked out.

Season 1: After his encounter with the main ninja, Lloyd is infuriated that he was mocked and planned to free the serpentine. He found the scroll but couldn’t find the tombs, so he tasked N with keeping watch of the scroll until he could figure out the location of the serpentine tombs. Enter Uzi, well- her name is D.O.E (Daughter of Evil) in this AU. She is tasked by her father, the Overlord, to free the serpentine in order to free the Great Devourer. D.O.E manages to track down the location of Lloyd’s treehouse and she tries taking the scroll but N is persistent. Then she seduces N, which overwhelms his innocent Drone brain. She ties him up to the bed and knocks him out, escaping with the scroll. The next day, Lloyd is upset at N for like a day so V became his right hand man for that day (much to both his and N’s dismay).

And we’re gonna stop right there because my arms are getting tired typing this 😭

I’ll update the post as soon as I can! Feel free to make fanart, if you wish. Thanks for listening to me!

[tmasexymanpoll]

Jordan Kennedy- former pest exterminator lit john amherst on fire was called to deal with the wasp nest in jane prentiss’ attic was the one to burn her body after she died in season 1 was being tortured in a corruption domain during the eyepocalypse got turned into a corruption avatar by jon

Tessa Winters- statement giver from season 2 episode 65 binary downloaded a computer program called ushankas_despair.exe victim of the spiral

[pep-the-artemis]

AutoMemoriam (part 1)

It is with deep sadness and reluctance that I am today writing this journal, I hope someday it may bring me solace. The idea of putting this into writing is wicked; it brings absolution to the events I wish to deny but it must be done for thinking all this to be delusion will mean I will be truly forgotten, even by myself. Last week (March 15, 3071)—while searching through the deep catacombs of Exo-planet Copper9—I Tessa James Elliot, daughter and lone heir of Sir James Elliot, died.

I am not a spectre nor do I believe in such frivolities but I must assure you that I have in fact experienced death. Now I shall bring forth the events that transpired, no matter how much traumatic pain it may induce. Underground, in the mines, we (myself, two of my allyship, and one friend) arrived at a cathedral; gothic in design yet inhuman in its details—its creation still eludes me. Out front, in the graveyard, ensnared in thick metal chain lay resting two sentinels with their jagged teeth tightly wrapped around a dismembered arm. It was best if they were left unbothered. The front door, locked, or quite possibly too heavy in its heavy oak build to be moved even with the support of my strongest allies; Carved into the hardened wood read the message:

non est locus iste honoris. Diabolus hic dormit.

We took it to find an alternate entrance, I prohibited damaging this relic believing we could find a secondary entrance or broken window large enough to allow myself and my allyship to climb through. Outside, the harsh scent of incense burned, my allyship unaware at the time but I found it utterly dizzying  and soon I lost all sense of direction or awareness collapsing to the ground. I assure the reader at this point this was not my near death experience, that was still to come. Eventually I did awake, much later than anyone would desire as I felt myself to be well rested and my companions had set up a fire—what were they burning, I hope nothing of importance. The stench of incense had now at this point died down to a manageable extent but that wasn’t the last of my bothers, the once resting guards now were howling aggressively pulling against heavy chains relentlessly. If they could not kill us, they’de give us no peace. Did they forget that I, as a human, am there superior?

Examining around I found I was connected to the emergency ventilator, it seems my respirator had broken (or tampered) leading me to intake the more harmful chemicals in the air, the incense smell was ever hallucinogenic or coincidental to the cause as I had been to many chapels before without much of a reaction. My vibrant energy reassured that I'd suffered little permanent damage although that was still an impossibility. Continuing my line of good fortune, that friend I mentioned earlier had found a loose rock, engraved with vivid imagery of burning angels, which when moved uncovered a small tunnel seemingly leading into the heart of the cathedral. They made sure to wait for me before advancing to which I was grateful but I can still not trust that girl; her eyes have the glimmer of a demons, in the corner of my eye I’m sure she transforms. If the devil lays dormant, it is within the girl—but I cannot kill her, she has caught the fancy of my allyship and has a mind unlike anyone else.

Being the most nimble and disposable, I made sure the girl took the lead with myself following behind alone; my allyship too large in stature to fit in the crevice so told to stay behind. The crevice was—to put it lightly—a cesspit for rats, not that any of those vermin had been down here in decades, the droppings had notably whitened from age but remained sludgy from the incessant moisture. The tunnel was impossibly long or witchcraft was afoot, again I am not one for superstition but I must say the warning Diabolus hic dormit began eating away at my most common of senses. Things only gotten worse when I fear hallucinations were coming over me, the sounds of a organ echoed around (slow and rhythmic with subtle errors implying the ill-practised hand); it wasn’t until the girl, who to put it light—who being polite only in the contemporary forms of media—began to complain. Her whining had never made me want her dead more.

Soon, we had made it free, entering the central hall we found the central floor had collapsed into a deep cavern below full of thick black stalagmites which in the flickering candlelight appeared to be pulsating like the entrails of a suffering beast. I truly felt that I was staring into the depths of hell. Across, on the other side of the cavern, sitting at the organ slumped was a person I recognised immediately, the local one eyed foreign girl, a native of this planet. When I first landed, it was she who first found me and my allyship, she speaks not a word of English even though her understanding is superb; I took aid from my allyship who were far more polylingual to keep translation. Bleeding out of her shoulder where once her arm was attached, she seemed to be in great pain yet continued to play; she made no indication that she had seen us but for reasons which will be made apparent shortly, she was well aware of our presence.

Not yet. 

I had a job to do and even Heaven would not deny the fact that this girl, the spawn of satan she is, was valuable; more so that if Doll (the strange character mentioned earlier sitting on the chasms other side—I speculate Doll is a cruel nickname relating to the button strapped over her missing eye) was to attack me alone, I would have no chance. The girl lives for now.

“Don’t stand too close” I warned as she approached the edge.

What was my duty here? That girl wished to learn the truth; Doll wished to know her mother; my allyship were down here on my command alone; in truth not one knew why we were here. All I knew was something here was desired by the Sin and so I was here on a path of destruction, the Sin cannot win again. Said object (or perhaps it was a place or even a metaphor) could be activated with a key, said key last seen being in the possession of Doll… what is she doing? Had she found what the Sin was looking for? Was she disappointed?

[sandersgrey]

Here me out with this theory cause I kinda goes along with your seer kit hc-

So from what little we know about kit's family history, we can deduct some facts

1) the riders were NOT responsible for the death of anyone in his family but his mom as shown in this seen where the riders say that kit looks like his mom and like auraline

They specifically compared him to only those two. So either, rosemary is secretly auraline and roland's daughter(which doesn't make any sense bc according to tessa, rosemary inherited the first heir blood from her dad) or the riders didn't kill his other ancestors

2) roland was born a few years before the events in tid

Which would mean he was born between 1867-1875. But we also know that 1936 was the last year anyone of note saw him alive, and that auraline used her magic to keep him young and alive. But he eventually died of natural causes, I'll assume maybe 20 years later

According to cat, she and him had a fight over him using magic

We also know that he and cat had a falling out sometime after he met auraline because he was using magic

Magic? What? How does he, a supposed shadowhunter/mundane descendant, have enough magic to perform shows and not tip off the downworlders on the market?

3) tobias and eva's marriage was a shock to everyone

Cat says that eva was a brave and strong woman and that tobias was kind, sweet, and loyal

She also mentioned something interesting about tobias' parents. His father was a "hard man" and his mother was "hysteric", which I do believe is olden days code for "abusive" and "mentally ill/traumatized"

4) tobias father definitely helped felix kill annabel because it literally couldn't have been anyone else

Now here's the theory part

Eva blackthorn and tobias herondale died around 1828, and I imagine were around 16-18 from what we know about shadowhunter marriages. For the sake of hypotheticals, let's say they were 16 when they got married and nearly 17 when they died

So if they were 16ish in 1828, that means they were born in 1811-1812. Annabel was born in 1793 and died in 1812

My theory is that the real reason annabel and malcolm stole the black book was so they could have a child since they were in love. And that while torturing annabel her family found out that she was pregnant, so they waited until she gave birth to kill her, and then felix and adelaide raised her as their own

Circling back to the fact that felix and tobias' father are friends, tobias' father knew eva was a half warlock and so when he found out they were having a child, he and felix had tobias sent to bavaria instead of his brother, who was said to be the best of his generation, knowing he'd die. And then they convinced the clave to burn eva and their child in his place

THAT'S how roland has magic, why roland's body was able to accept auraline's magic, and why annabel felt a motherly urge to protect ash from the clave(bc she couldn't protect her daughter)

Ik it's a stretch but at this point there are so many plot holes surrounding the lost herondales anything could be true

Im pretending i do not see it bc can you IMAGINE.

[sunlitglycerin]

books of 2023

key:

🌔 reread

🪹 no thoughts no praise

🌊 i have to emotionally recover from this

💥 many thoughts not all praise

🌷 enjoyable

🫧 lovely

january

1. annihilation by jeff vandermeer 🌊

2. the uncoupling by meg wolitzer 🪹

3. the interestings by meg wolitzer 🌔

4. sorrow and bliss by meg mason 💥

5. the catcher in the rye by j.d. salinger  🌷

6. brown girl in the ring by nalo hopkinson 🌷

7. astrid parker doesn’t fail by ashley herring blake 🪹

february

8. little eyes by samanta schweblin 🌷

9. we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson 🫧

10. fight club by chuck palahniuk 🫧

11. salt fish girl by larissa lai 🫧

12. a visit from the goon squad by jennifer egan 🌊

13. wintergirls by laurie halse anderson 🌊

14. oryx and crake by margaret atwood 🪹

15. severance by ling ma 🌊

march

16. olga dies dreaming by xóchitl gonzález 💥

17. the hating game by sally thorne 🌊

18. second first impressions by sally thorne 🌷

19. american royals by katherine mcgee 💥

20. the worst best man by mia sosa 🌷

21. my year of rest and relaxation by ottessa moshfegh 🌔

22. the change by kirsten miller 🫧

23. sealed with a diss by lisi harrison 🌔

24. fledgling by octavia butler 💥

25. the road by cormac mccarthy 🌊

26. intimacies by katie kitamura 🫧

27. le divorce by diane johnson 🌊

april

28. it happened one summer: a novel by tessa bailey 💥

29. fifty words for rain by asha lemmie💥

30. all my puny sorrows by miriam toews 🌔

31. speak by laurie halse anderson 🌔

32. the queen’s gambit by walter tevis 🫧

33. you will know me: a novel by megan abbot 🌷

34. the virgin suicides by jeffrey eugenides 🌔

35. the boy, the mole, the fox and the horse by charlie mackery 🌊

may

36. beautiful world, where are you: a novel by sally rooney 🌷

37. conversations with friends: a novel by sally rooney 🌊

38. a tree grows in brooklyn by betty smith 🫧

39. emergency contacts by mary h.k. choi 🌔

40. i’ll give you the sun by jandy nelson 🌔

41. if i never met you: a novel by mhairi mcfarlane 🌷

42. the girls by emma cline 🌊

43. confessions of a shopaholic: a novel by sophie kinsella 💥

44. second place: a novel by rachel cusk 🌊

45. convenience store woman by sayaka murata 🌔

june

46. the black presidency: barack obama and the politics of race in america by michael eric dyson 🫧

47. i’ll be you by janelle brown 🪹

48. the best american short stories (2020) 🌊

49. crazy rich asians by kevin kwan 🌔

50. the suitors: a novel by cécile david-weill 🌷

51. monster high by lisi harrison 🌔

52. elegance by kathleen tessaro 🌔

53. monster high: the ghoul next door by lisi harrison 🌔

54. monster high: where there’s a wolf, there’s a way by lisi harrison 🌔

july

55. monster high: back and deader than ever by lisi harrison 🌔

56. thin girls by diana clarke 🌊

57. eileen by ottessa moshfegh 🌷

58. china rich girlfriend by kevin kwan 🌔

59. composing a life by mary catherine bateson 🌷

60. in every mirror she’s black by lọlá ákínmádé åkerström 🌊

61. the invasion by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

62. less by andrew sean greer 🌊

63. the visitor by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

august

64. when katie met cassidy by camille perri 🌷

65. the message by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

66. the predator by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

67. the capture by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

68. the stranger by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

69. david kibbe's metamorphosis: discover your image identity and dazzle as only you can by david kibbe (who could have guessed) 🌷

70. the most fun we ever had by claire lombardo 🌔

71. earthlings by sayaka murata 🫧

72. pageboy: a memoir by elliot page 🫧

73. diary of an oxygen thief by anonymous 🌊

74. bridget jones’s diary by helen fielding 🌷

september

75. idol, burning by rin usami 🫧

76. cleopatra and frankenstein by coco mellors 🌷

77. kitchen by banana yoshimoto 🫧

78. addiction by design by natasha dow schüll 🌊

79. the fellowship of the ring by j.r.r. tolkein 💥

80. smashed: story of a drunken girlhood by koren zailckas 🌊

october

81. american psycho by bret easton ellis 🌊

82. all the lovers in the night by mieko kawakami 🫧

83. peace, love, and baby ducks by lauren myracle 🌖

84. if i had your face by frances cha 🌊

85. milk fed by melissa broder 🪹

86. legally blonde by amanda brown 💥

november

87. seven ways we lie by riley redgate 🌖

88. even the stars look lonesome by maya angelou 🫧

89. airhead by meg cabot 🌖

90. being nikki by meg cabot 🌖

91. runaway by meg cabot 🌖

92. wuthering heights by emily brontë 🌊

93. slouching towards bethlehem by joan didion 🫧

94. the heart principle by helen hoang 💥

95. in the shape of a human body i am visiting earth, edited by ilya kaminsky, dominic luxford, and jesse nathan 🌊

96. good for you by tammara webber 🌖

97. here without you by tammara webber 🪹

december

98. breasts and eggs by mieko kawakami 🌊

99. ender’s shadow by orson scott card 🌖

100. girlfriend in a coma by douglas coupland 🌊

101. altered states by anita brookner 🌊

102. i don’t know how she does it by allison pearson 💥

103. the hunger games by suzanne collins 🌖

104. catching fire by suzanne collins 🌖

105. mockingjay by suzanne collins 🌖

[wyluvbot]

ONE DAY LEFT UNTIL CHAIN OF THORNS!! we’ve made it this far and i have not been spoiled (thank God), so now I’m doing day before predictions 😭

DEATHS:

1. Tatiana. I will find it hilarious if Belial ends up killing her after she’s “served her purpose”, especially if it’s like a betrayal type situation? Like Belial has to choose her or James or something. Do I think this will happen? No, but it would be so funny…I could also see Jesse or Grace killing her.

2. Matthew. Okay, so I know that we’re all preparing ourselves for his death in the intermission…but I hope CC doesn’t kill him. At this point, even though his story and all that kinda points to a tragic end, it’s been expected for so long that the real plot twist would be him living. I just hope that if he dies, he’s able to go knowing that those around him love and accept him (aka he reveals his secret and isn’t treated badly for it). But he would die struggling w alcohol, and that’s so sad to me because he’s just a kid. Also what will Oscar do 💔

3. Alastair. So like…that one unidentified snippet about dying in arms? His dagger or whatever being buried? Plus that quote from Cordelia about avenging someone’s death?? I have a horrible feeling that alastair will be killed 😭 and I will literally scream because he’s one of my favorites. I’m manifesting a happy ending for him ✨✨

4. Grace or Charles. The only reason I’m putting them here, and this could work for alastair too, is redemption. Dying for your past mistakes is the saddest thing ever, and I could see Grace specifically doing something like that to make up for James and the bracelet.

5. Inquisitor Bridgestock. Idk, just putting him here for fun. We know he isn’t the best person so ??

6. James. Listen! I don’t think he’ll die, but I do think he’ll be put in a situation where he’ll be injured badly or die and be brought back, like Jace…. I live for the angst so what if Cordelia is forced to hurt him by Lilith or something? You would literally never hear from me again.

7. Sona. She better not because Elias just died, and Cordelia/alastair are not prepared or ready for raising a baby. Also, I’m not a huge baby fan so I don’t want to read about the TLH kids raising a child. Plus they won’t have time with all the Belial stuff??

General predictions:

1. Charles/Thomas/Alastair will become more complicated because Thomas will assume the other two got back together, and I’m predicting they might? Also, all three come out 🤍

2. Anna/Ariadne endgame. They’ve been through too much so Ariadne will change her name and they’ll live together happily ever after.

3. Grace/Christopher romance? They are married on the incorrect family tree which is why I put it here. Also in my rereads of CHOI I thought there was a part where Grace mentioned that she liked Christopher and was reluctant to manipulate him but that could be my own memory.

4. Matthew and Cordelia will kiss and/or start something in Paris. Cordelia won’t be in love with him, but she knows he loves her so she’ll use that to get over James.

5. Ghostwriter endgame. Everything will work out for them OR ELSE.

6. Lucie gets her marks stripped. Or Matthew will. Or maybe one will become a vampire?? Idk.

7. Lucie and Cordelia won’t be parabatai.

8. Matthew will tell his secret to his friends and family.

9. Alastair and Thomas are revealed. Hopefully they are endgame because they DESERVE HAPPINESS. OKAY CASSIE??? HAPPINESS.

10. Matthew forgives Alastair and they communicate like adults.

11. Belial is stabbed a third time and gets destroyed?? Or Jem ensures he’s gone for good?

12. The meaning of Cordelia’s globe necklace is revealed.

13. HERONDAISY ENDGAME. If they don’t put the second marriage runes and finally admit their feelings I will actually burn the book. They are made for each other.

14. Will and Tessa find out the truth of James and Cordelia’s marriage agreement.

15. Belial and Tatiana’s plans are revealed.

16. Cordelia manages to get out of her paladin oath? She might be forced to hurt someone else or herself.

17. Christopher invents Fire messages and maybe a few other things, destroying stuff along the way.

18. A TID adult dies.

19. The new shadowhunter will die or place some type of antagonistic role.

20. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA.

21. Matthew and Kellington background.

22. More of Malcolm Fade and how his and Lucie’s actions bring about TDA.

23. Tessa and Belial meet.

24. True family tree is revealed.

25. More Eugenia/gang interactions (this is just a personal want)

26. More page time for Alastair and the side characters besides James and Cordelia.

27. I just want someone to get hurt and the LI will be so upset. I want the angst more than oxygen.

[literateish]

books i’ve read in 2023

astrid parker doesn’t fail by ashley herring blake

anxious people by fredrik backman

shadow & bone by leigh bardugo

lessons in chemistry by bonnie garmus

siege & storm by leigh bardugo

red dragon by thomas harris

ruin & rising by leigh bardugo

romeo and juliet by william shakespeare

convenience store woman by sayaka murata

small things like these by claire keegan

alice’s adventures in wonderland by lewis carroll

black widow: shield’s most wanted

black widow: the name of the rose

the history of mary prince by mary prince

brighton rock by graham greene

hook, line, and sinker by tessa bailey

five survive by holly jackson

ethel and ernest by raymond briggs

the midnight library by matt haig

all of you every single one by beatrice hitchman

hamlet by william shakespeare

set on you by amy lea

if we were villains by m. l. rio

the woman in white by wilkie collins

the guernsey literary and potato peel pie society by annie barrows and mary ann shaffer

i’m glad my mom died by jennette mccurdy

the interesting narrative and other writings by olaudah equiano

vicious by v. e. schwab

confessions of an english opium eater by thomas de quincey

november 9 by colleen hoover

a thousand ships by natalie haynes

open water by caleb azumah nelson

the necessity of stars by e. catherine tobler

exes and o’s by amy lea

alice in wonderland by lewis carroll (reread)

on earth we’re briefly gorgeous by ocean vuong

the little prince by antoine de saint-exupery

the bell jar by sylvia plath

the web of black widow

black widow: deadly origin

up at the villa by w. somerset maugham

black widow: the ties that bind

black widow: i am black widow

black widow: die by the blade

the death of captain america

black widow: welcome to the game

the death of captain america 2

winter soldier: the longest winter

the death of captain america 3

winter soldier: broken arrow

winter soldier: black widow hunt

winter soldier: electric ghost

black widow: the name of the rose

frankenstein by mary shelley

black widow: kiss or kill

black widow: itsy bitsy spider

young avengers: complete collection

twelfth night by william shakespeare

romeo and juliet by william shakespeare

drunk on love by jasmine guillory

trespasses by louise kennedy

fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury

icebreaker by hannah grace

captain america: symbol of truth

captain america: sentinel of liberty

northanger abbey by jane austen

the wrongs of woman by mary wollstonecraft

the history of mary prince by mary prince

swimming in the dark by tomasz jedrowski

brokeback mountain by annie proulx

fourth wing by rebecca yarros

arthur and teddy are coming out by ryan love

black widow: the finely woven thread

black widow: the tightly tangled web

zodiac academy 1 by caroline peckham

black widow: last days

zodiac academy 2 by caroline peckham

carrie soto is back by taylor jenkins reid

zodiac academy 3 by caroline peckham

zodiac academy 4 by caroline peckham

zodiac academy 5 by caroline peckham

zodiac academy 6 by caroline peckham

athena’s child by hannah lynn

legends and lattes by travis baldtree

the burning chambers by kate mosse

jeoffrey the poets cat by oliver soden

the retreat by sarah pearse

zodiac academy 7 by caroline peckham

twisted love by ana huang

medusa by jessie burton

the housekeeper and the professor by yōko ogawa

the hike by lucy clarke

beautiful world where are you by sally rooney

fix her up by tessa bailey

love theoretically by ali hazelwood

the american roommate experiment by elena armas

hester by laurie lico albanese

the definitive black widow by stan lee

sense and sensibility by jane austen

civil war by mark millar

transcendent kingdom by yaa gyasi

hamnet by maggie o’farrell

wuthering heights by emily brönte

a room of one’s own by virginia woolf

northanger abbey by jane austen

the grasmere journals by dorothy wordsworth

things fall apart by chinua achebe

the adoption papers by jackie kay

sense and sensibility by jane austen

just like home by sarah gailey

pride and prejudice by jane austen

chéri by colette

zodiac academy 8 by caroline peckham

nervous conditions by tsitsi dangarembga

persuasion by jane austen

new animal by ella baxter

mansfield park by jane austen

the night watch by sarah waters

zong by marlene nourbese philip

chronicle of youth by vera brittain

faces in the water by janet frame

iron flame by rebecca yarros

beloved by toni morrison

fen by daisy johnson

regeneration by pat barker

[thanksforthedinosaur]

january 2023

1. julia wolf - gothic babe tendencies 2. upsahl - kickflip 3. stevie bill - poison 4. haven - anxiety is my boyfriend 5. holy wars - 21st century bitch 6. luna aura - bent 7. luke wild - crush 8. madisenxoxo - afterlife 9. yumi nu - illusions 10. sophie holohan - cognitive dissonance 11. ella jane - sore loser 12. ivri - no way out 13. peach fuzz - hey dood 14. olivia barton - i don't do anything 15. critter - ribbons 16. chloe lilac - taxidermy 17. phoebe go - we don't talk 18. keni - victoria drives a taxi 19. tessa rae - breakfast at noon 20. mana garden - internet girl 21. boyish - legs 22. bel - pbr 23. girlpuppy - swallow 24. housewife - stuck 25. why bonnie - 90 in november 26. blondshell - olympus 27. georgia harmer - headrush 28. air waves - the light 29. sea lemon - last year 30. babehoven - fugazi 31. rat tally - spinning wheel 32. mini trees - underwater (acoustic) 33. rachel bobbitt - bandages - demo 34. jessie murph - if i died last night 35. lauren spencer smith - fingers crossed 36. allison ponthier - chasing a feeling 37. hana eid - moonroof 38. elio - pick me - deluxe 39. carol ades - sadtown usa 40. laura elliott - better off alone 41. alomar - off the wagon 42. aoife o'donovan - age of apathy - acoustic 43. jonathan & friends - magsafe - acoustic 44. zannie - poison plant 45. sza - ghost in the machine 46. emily vaughn - tesla 47. nicole millar - nice 48. jaira burns - know me too well 49. between friends - orange juice 50. kristiane - april showers 51. paramore - the news 52. sweet pill - high hopes 53. lung leg - disco biscuit 54. the go! team - whammy-o 55. little simz - gorilla 56. phora - habitual pain 57. almondmilkhunni - miss u 58. 4s4ki - cross out 59. piri - can we 60. pinkpantheress - boy's a liar https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5MATAgwyfNi2dwXpj2lcqE?si=5a6263d998554415

[ao3feed-tolkien]

A Scar and its Story

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/RmzA8rp

by court-jobi (CourtBee_JB)

She could only liken this feeling to a few things: and not many of those were things any soul here in Middle Earth could understand. Anyone who’s ever been in a car accident has trouble getting behind the wheel for the first few times, right? ‘Well, anyone except for Thorin if he knew how to drive. He’s not scared of anything.' This line of thinking got Tessa through watching each of her Dwarven friends heal. But the whiplash, the pains the mind and body remembers, and especially its scars... those seemed hard for her to forget-- even as she looks at Thorin's face and its new story to tell.

Words: 1887, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M

Characters: Thorin Oakenshield

Relationships: Thorin Oakenshield/Original Female Character(s)

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Slow Burn, One Shot Collection, Modern Girl in Middle Earth, Modern Character in Middle Earth, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Canon, Post-Battle of Five Armies, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Chicks dig scars, Well except for this one, Modern Girls have many questions, BOTFA Recovery, Rebuilding Erebor, descriptions of scars, Thorin would have looked real good with one though, Imagine this shall we?

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/RmzA8rp

[ao3feed-thehobbit]

A Scar and its Story

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/Wl0IyFX

by court-jobi (CourtBee_JB)

She could only liken this feeling to a few things: and not many of those were things any soul here in Middle Earth could understand. Anyone who’s ever been in a car accident has trouble getting behind the wheel for the first few times, right? ‘Well, anyone except for Thorin if he knew how to drive. He’s not scared of anything.' This line of thinking got Tessa through watching each of her Dwarven friends heal. But the whiplash, the pains the mind and body remembers, and especially its scars... those seemed hard for her to forget-- even as she looks at Thorin's face and its new story to tell.

Words: 1887, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M

Characters: Thorin Oakenshield

Relationships: Thorin Oakenshield/Original Female Character(s)

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Slow Burn, One Shot Collection, Modern Girl in Middle Earth, Modern Character in Middle Earth, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Canon, Post-Battle of Five Armies, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Chicks dig scars, Well except for this one, Modern Girls have many questions, BOTFA Recovery, Rebuilding Erebor, descriptions of scars, Thorin would have looked real good with one though, Imagine this shall we?

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/Wl0IyFX

[dreamingofcrows]

Top Five Ships + Fav Ao3 Fics

My Top Five Favourite Ships + My Favourite of the their Fics I’ve found on Ao3 

in no particular order: 

1. Adam Parrish/Ronan Lynch + Man of Masks 

Man of Masks by EtoileGarden 

Rape/Non-Con, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish, Joseph Kavinsky/Ronan Lynch, Ronan Lynch, Adam Parrish, Joseph Kavinsky, Richard Gansey III, AU Aged Up, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, dubious bdsm practices, Under-negotiated Kink, D/s, the catholic church does be traumatising, Guilt Dom Ada,m adam is not the one involved in the non-con jsyk, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Not Actually Unrequited, Love, Sex, explicit - Freeform, Joseph Kavinsky is His Own Warning, People are Assholes, Anal Sex ,Fingering ,Discussion of sexual assault, role-play

I have no idea what I love so much about this fic. Probably the 10/10 pining, Adam’s quasi- nonchalance about the whole affair and Ronan healing. I also want to shoutout my own pynch fic, bc it’s also one of my favourites

2. Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck + The Face Behind the Phone 

The Face Behind the Phone by Feriku

No Archive Warnings Apply, Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck, Wylan Van Eck, Jesper Fahey, Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Nina Zenik, Matthias Helvar, Jan Van Eck, Colm Fahey, Alys Van Eck, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - High School, Texting, Dyslexia, Panic Attacks, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Trust Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Jan Van Eck is awful, wesper

This fic is so good for so many reasons including but not limited to the fluff, how Wylan uses texting w/ his dyslexia, there’s no trying to ‘fix’ Wylan’s dyslexia just making accomodations for it, the mistaken/ hidden identity is *chefs kiss* and the way the author used Jan Van Eck against himself, which gave me the idea of how to stop Van Eck in my own fic

3. Magnus Bane/ Alec Lightwood + darling, your love is worth its weight in gold

darling, your love is worth its weight in gold by rebel_ren

No Archive Warnings Apply, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood, Rafael Lightwood-Bane, Max Lightwood-Bane, The Lightwood-Banes, Established Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood,  Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood,  Human AU,  Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Fluff, Happy Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Married Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Parents Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood First Meet, Mundane Magnus Bane/Mundane Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Lightwood-Banes Being a Family, Cute, Max Lightwood-Bane 

just a fluffy slice of life fic, one of the best integrations of song into a fic I’ve seen 

4. Crowley/Aziraphale + Free Trial Boyfriend

Free Trial Boyfriend by angelsnuffbox

Friends to Lovers, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe – Human, Pining Crowley (Good Omens), I mean seriously crowley has it BAD, Swimmer Crowley, Demisexual Aziraphale (Good Omens), Slow Burn, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Experienced Crowley (Good Omens), Best Friends to LoversL, ove Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff and Humor ,Romcom feels, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Human AU, Getting Together  

I am an absolute slag for demisexual/asexual/ gender nonconforming Crowley/Aziraphale so I loved this au fic making that a huge part of it. Crowley as a swimmer is also great.

5. Percy Jackson/ Annabeth Chase + The Roommate Agreement 

The Roommate Agreement by Knuffled 

Friends With Benefits, Smut, Shameless Smut, Percabeth , smut, percy jackson – Freeform, Annabeth Chase – Freeform, Percy/Annabeth – Freeform, Heavy Angst, Character Death

Entirely just because I love slow burns and friends with benefits situation, the angst is real

Honourable mentions: Richard Gansey III /Blue Sargent/Henry Cheng,  Carmen Farooq-Lane/Liliana, Will Solace/Nico Di Angelo,  Magnus Chase/Alex Fierro,  Will Herondale/Tessa Gray,  Hearthstone/Blitz, Renya/Lester

[shadowhuntertrash]

This isn't requested but I've been working on it it for a while and I finally finished so voilà!

5 times Kit had a panic attack and the 1 time Ty was there.

1. Jem

Kit wasn’t aware of how he got up on the roof of Cirenworth Hall. All he knows is that his father died a year ago today and Jace had come trying to cheer him up but the only person he wanted to be there with him was almost three thousand miles away. 

   Kit tried to even his breaths that were coming faster than normal. Kit let out an exasperated sound and tugged on his hair. Ty would know what to do. Ty always knew what to do. Kit continued tugging painfully at his hair while trying to remember what Ty had said to do while having a panic attack.

   Thinking about Ty just made his breaths come faster. He hadn’t seen Ty in two months when he left without saying goodbye. It seemed that today was just a bad day. It had started out bad of course, with the knowledge that today was the day he saw his father killed by demons in front of him. Jace had tried talking to him but he had snapped at him and clammed up as he did with everyone he cared about. 

   When Jace had left Jem had come to sit with him and told him, in his gentle voice, that Jace had only been trying to cheer him up and he shouldn’t have yelled like that. Kit had been angry and sad and miserable and had snapped at Jem and told him he wasn’t Kit’s dad and he didn’t have any right to tell Kit what to do or what not to do. He hadn’t missed the way Jem’s face clouded with hurt before it was quickly masked. 

   He had run away as soon as he saw Jem’s reaction despite Jem calling after him. Kit had been cruel and he knew it. Why did he have to be such an awful person? Why did he mess everything up?

   That’s how he ended up on the roof. He was vaguely aware that he was crying but he didn’t care. He deserved this. He deserved the pain that came with hurting the people he loved. He deserved this for yelling at the only other living relative he had. He deserved this for hurting Jem, his gentle being, the person it was impossible to hurt. His father. He deserved this for his blood father, who he could never impress, who was never there for him. He deserved his father’s hate though, how could he not?

   He deserved it most of all for Ty. He deserved the pain, the tears, the agony, for what he did to Ty. He had earned Ty’s trust just to leave him when Ty needed him the most. He deserved it for leaving Ty and for breaking his promise to Livvy about being there for Ty.

  He deserved all of this. 

   He could hear footsteps on the roof and another wave of anxiety washed over him, choking him and stealing his breath. Someone sat down next to him, they didn’t touch him which Kit had to be thankful for. Instead, they sat there for a moment before softly reminding Kit to breathe. As soon as he heard the voice he realized it was Jem.

   Kit let out another pitiful sob and tensed when Jem put his hand on Kit’s knee. “Kid, son, I need you to breathe with me. Look at me and try to match my breathing okay?” Kit looked at him through blurry eyes. Jem was accentuating his breathing so that Kit could match it. 

   Kit’s breathing slowed before he was flooded with the words he had said earlier to Jem and he was losing his grip on his breathing again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He repeated breathlessly. Jem cut his rant off by saying quietly, “Kit calm down. I’m okay, you’re okay. I know you’re upset but breathe Kit. Breathe.” 

   It took about ten more minutes but Kit’s breathing eventually slowed until all that was left was the tears streaming down his face and a slight lightheaded feeling. Jem moved closer and put his arm around Kit’s shoulders, pulling him close so Kit could lean into him. 

   Kit buried his face in Jem’s chest and took a moment to appreciate Jem being there. His father had never been there when he was upset. His father had hugged him once in his entire life and it was after his mother died. He didn’t remember it well. “I’m so sorry Jem. I didn’t mean it. I swear I didn’t mean it.” 

   He could feel Jem sigh against him and then Jem was running his fingers through his hair. “You know, I used to know someone just like you once.” Jem said and Kit could tell by the nostalgic tone of voice that he was talking about his parabatai, Will Herondale, Kit’s ancestry from many years ago. “He thought that he hurt people, that all he did was hurt people, and he tried to distance himself from everyone who loved him because he thought those he loved got hurt.” Jem rested his chin on Kit’s head as he talked and Kit felt warmth growing in his stomach.

   “He pushed people away and was always angry. He loved harder than anyone I have ever met and protected those he loved. He believed himself cursed and when he realized he wasn’t he couldn’t believe it because the people around him did get hurt. It took him a long time to accept that it wasn’t him that was hurting them, but the things around them. Things he had no control over.”

  Jem sighed and shook his head. “I don’t think he would have ever actually believed it had it not been for Tessa and I. He was still hard on himself and he still thought that occasionally but he was better because he knew that it wasn’t his fault. The people around him getting hurt was never his fault.”

   Jem pulled away from Kit and looked him in the eye. “Kit do you understand what I’m saying?” Kit nodded his eyes burning again but this time it wasn’t sadness. It was happiness.

   Who knew, maybe Jem was right, maybe some things just can’t be helped. He knew he had a lot of things that were his fault, but that made him feel a lot lighter knowing he wasn’t to blame for everything.

   “Thanks, dad.” Kit said quietly and watched a smile grace Jem’s ageless face. Jem got up and reached a hand out to help Kit up.

“Always.”

2. Tessa

"Kit! There you are!” Tessa said rushing towards him as he walked into Cirenworth Hall. He takes in her ragged appearance. Kit felt a smirk grace his lips. “Tessa I told you I was going on duty before I left.” Tessa frowned and crossed her arms, Kit’s smile wavered slightly. “Christopher I am aware you told me, but when Jem and I called you at least six times each we were a little worried.”

   Kit frowned and pulled his phone out of his pocket. The phone screen was shattered and Kit looked at Tessa guiltily. “I’m sorry Tessa, it broke when the demon hit me.” Tessa’s face went from upset to concerned in half a second. Kit found himself smiling again at her motherly tendencies. 

   “I’m fine Tessa.” He said quietly. He still wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable calling Tessa and Jem ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ no matter how much they insisted. He felt as if he were overstepping. They had taken him in and that was quite enough he didn’t want to burden them further. Tessa smiled and brought her hand up to his chin to search his face for injuries. 

   “Are you sure?” Tessa said giving him a once over and stepped back when she deemed him uninjured. “I’m okay really. Why were you and Jem calling me?” Kit asked curiously as he took his jacket and weapons belt off. Tessa seemed to come back to her senses and nodded suddenly all business again.

   “Of course. The Blackthorns came to visit,” Tessa was still talking but Kit felt as if she had knocked the air out of him. The Blackthorns? Had come here? Had all of them come here? Was Ty here? 

   Kit was suddenly back at the lake with Ty. Begging him to stop, telling Ty that he could help him, confessing his love for Ty only for Ty to reject him. Ty saying that there was nothing for him there now that Livvy was gone. 

   Kit felt the earth shift below him and he stumbled. Someone caught his arm and a soft voice was saying something calmly. He couldn’t focus. All that was going through his mind was Ty  Ty Ty Ty.

   Tessa’s voice fluttered into his thoughts. She had a way to puncture anything to make herself heard. “Kit you’re okay. Hey, listen to my voice it’s okay. You’re here with me, Tessa, you’re safe. Kit it’s okay.” Kit tightened his hold on Tessa’s hand.

   He was okay. No one was here. Ty wasn’t here. It was just him and Tessa. Just Tessa. He felt his knees give out and Tessa sank down with him, she gathered him in her arms and held him tightly. She started humming softly, he vaguely felt the vibrations against his head. 

   There was nothing wrong. He was okay. He didn’t need to freak out. He was safe in Tessa’s arms. She was safe. Kit’s breathing slowed down but Tessa continued humming. And Kit sat there leaning against her and let out a sigh. 

   “Thank you for grounding me.” Kit said when Tessa stopped humming. Tessa kissed the top of his head. “Of course darling.” Kit smiled at the endearment. “How did you know how to do that?” Kit asked quietly. Tessa ran a hand through his hair and when she spoke he could hear the smile in her voice.

   “My first song, James, used to have them a lot and when his parabatai wasn’t there I had to snap him out of it. He wouldn’t respond to anyone other than Matthew and I.” Kit took that in. The fact that she did that was kind not everyone did. 

  But that wasn’t what he was stuck on. She had called James her first son, but he knew for a fact that she only had one son. Who was she talking about then?

   “What do you mean your first son? You only had one son.” Kit says quietly, Tessa had to lean in to hear him. She pulled away from him and tilted his face up to give him a curious look. “I had only one son, but you are as much a son to me as he was Kit. You do know that right.” Kit felt himself freeze at those words. She really thought of him as her son? Not just someone she took in?

   Kit felt his eyes water and threw his arms around her neck once again. Tessa gave a startled laugh and hugged him back. “Thank you so much.” Kit said through tears. Tessa was patting his back, “Of course dear.”

3. Jace

When Kit was told he had to go stay with the Blackthorn’s for two weeks he adamantly refused. They could and would not force him to stay there. No one but the Blackthorns and him knew exactly why he couldn’t and they didn’t try to understand they just told him he had to. 

   They were going for Clary and Jace’s wedding, at first Kit had been more shocked to hear that Clary had finally accepted than the fact that he was going to see Ty and his siblings. Kit knew he would be fine because it was only two days and he could avoid Ty for that long, but that was before Tessa and Jem had told him he was going to stay with the Blackthorns while they went on a secret mission.

   They had barely gotten the words out before Kit started freaking out and refusing. Jem told him in his soft, comforting voice that he was going to have to stay with them and Mina was staying with Magnus and Alec since they had kids born within the same decade. Kit had only stopped fighting when Tessa had told him to stop in her ‘Don’t mess with me’ voice.

   Which was how he found himself now angrily and anxiously packing with shaky hands and breaths. He just had to keep it together. Maybe he could just avoid Ty, it was improbable but it could happen couldn’t it? 

   Kit throws his book angrily against the wall and his annoyance lessened slightly at the loud THUD of the book hitting the wall. His hands had been shaking too much for him to hold it. He let out a loud frustrated groan before kicking his bed. 

   He immediately regretted it when he realized he wasn’t wearing shoes. Pain shot up his foot at lightning speed and Kit lost his ability to breathe normally. He felt tears start flowing down his cheeks and yelled loudly. No one was home so he didn’t feel the need to be quiet.

   Kit falls on his bed with an aggravated scream. Why was he crying? He hated it when he got like this. He could be attacked by a demon and not break a sweat but as soon as he thinks about seeing Ty he suddenly forgets how to breathe. He hated that it had already been a year and Ty’s face still haunted his dreams.

   He hated everything about it.

   Kit’s ears rang and everything started getting dark as he cursed breathlessly. He could see his room in the LA institute and he could see Dru’s smiling face. He could see Julian looking at Emma as if she hung the world and faintly realized that that must be how he looked at Ty. He could see Christina and Mark and Kieran all smiles and blushes. He could see Ty on the beach with his headphones around his neck, his head thrown back mid-laugh. He saw how the sunset caused a halo to form around his face. He could see Livvy-

   His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a voice in his ear. “Kit, man, snap out of it. Can you hear me?” He could tell by their tone this hadn’t been the first thing they had said to him. He tried to open his mouth to say something but nothing was happening. His chest hurt as if all the air was expelled from his body. He couldn’t move and that just made his breaths come even faster.

   He felt a hand on his and a voice, now considerably more gentle, whispering. “Kit, if you can hear me can you squeeze my hand?” Kit tried to squeeze hard, tried to use the hand clasped onto his to ground himself, but he only managed to flinch. “Okay, that’s okay. Do you know where you are? You’re at home, you’re here with me, Jace, in Cirenworth Hall. Tessa and Jem are out with Mina, it's just us.” Kit’s vision slowly started coming back.

   He could just barely make out Jace’s curly golden hair. It only pushed Kit further over the edge when he realized that it was Jace. 

   Jace who was always so strong who never cried. Jace who had saved the world and was a hero. Jace who was currently watching his only living family member having a terrible panic attack. Kit scolded himself, Jace must think he was so dumb and weak. He had never met another Shadowhunter who had anxiety, sure Ty had his episodes but that was different. Kit was just messed up.

   Jace continued talking. “Buddy you have to breathe. I know it’s hard but you have to try. Can you talk?” Kit shook his head urgently. Jace put his hand on the back of Kit’s neck, it was surprisingly cold and Kit found it helped ground him. Kit’s breaths evened slightly though he was still very shaky. His eyes were darting around the room taking in everything at once.

   Jace moved his hand that was resting on Kit’s neck in favor of carding through his hair. “You’re okay. Can you tell me five things you can see?” Kit scanned the room again. “I-i see you, and m-my bed.” Jace nodded and continued running his fingers comfortingly through his hair. “That’s good three more.” 

   Kit swallowed hard and looked around the room again. “My b-books, my lamp, a-and my camera.” Jace nodded and pulled Kit closer to him Kit all but collapsed into him. “Okay now name four things you can touch.” Kit reached out his hands.

   He reached towards Jace first. “Y-you.” He stuttered somewhat hysterically, Jace nodded his approval. “My c-comforter, and my pillow.” Jace nodded again. “Is your pillow soft?” Kit ran his hands over it again and laughed. “Y-yeah. I can feel my j-jeans too.” Kit could feel his breaths slowing down.

   Jace hummed. “How about three things you can hear?” Kit sat quietly for a minute. “You.” He stated first, Jace laughed softly. “I always knew things revolved around me and here Clary was telling me they didn’t.” Kit found himself laughing, it was short but genuine. “I can h-hear the birds and the clock.” Jace raised an eyebrow and sat there listening.

  “Man I didn’t even hear the clock.” Kit smiled and shook his head. How was Jace so good at this? “You okay or do you want me to keep going?” Jace asked him, searching his face. Kit hesitated before stuttering out, “Maybe one more? I-I mean if you don’t mind. Don’t f-feel obligated I-I’m-” He was cut off by Jace’s voice.

    “What are two things you can smell?” Kit closed his eyes and sniffed. “N-Not to feed your fat ego b-but you.” Jace laughed and ruffled his hair, Kit leaned into the touch. He was hit by the smell of cookies suddenly and his eyes shot open. “Cookies? When did Tessa make cookies?” Jace burst out laughing. “Oh my god it takes you forever to snap out of panic attacks but you’re fine the moment you smell cookies?”

  Kit froze and blushed looking down at his hands which were now clenched in his lap. Jace frowned at him. “No, I wasn’t being mean I was just joking.” Kit let out a feeble laugh that sounded fake to his own ears.

   “I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m not like that all the time I promise.” Jace sighed and moved his hands to massage Kit’s shoulders gently. Kit turned to him confused, did Jace not hate him? “It’s okay Kit, we all have anxiety sometimes. Yours is just worse.” Was that true? Did other shadowhunters have anxiety? It occurred to Kit then, that Jace had known exactly what to do to help him.

   “How did you know what to do?” Kit found himself asking, cringing when it left his mouth unplanned. Jace just shook the look off. “I grew up talking Alec out of them. His parents were really hard on him so he was worse than you. He had at least three a week.” Kit looked at him confused.

   Alec had anxiety? The brave, war hero Alec Lightwood, who was now the badass married to Magnus Bane and Inquisitor had anxiety? He wasn’t weak at all though, Kit thought exasperated. 

   Jace watched him with troubled eyes before hesitantly saying, “Anxiety isn’t a weakness Kit. It’s something everyone deals with, some just show it more than others. If anything it makes you strong. Did you know people with anxiety have higher IQ’s than people who don’t? They also have a better ability to communicate with people. Anxiety isn’t a weakness Kit, it makes you strong. It makes you who you are but it doesn’t control you.” 

   Kit mulled that over in his head. Sure he was smart but he didn’t ever think it had anything to do with his anxiety. Kit shook his head but Jace shook his head right back. “No, I’m serious. No more about that matter Kit it’s fact. Do you need help packing?” Kit looked around the rooms where books and clothes were lying everywhere.

   “If you don’t mind.” He went to pick up a shirt before turning to Jace, his eyebrows knit together. “Actually why are you here? Not that I don’t appreciate it, but I was just wondering.” Jace laughed. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. I had a feeling that something like that was going to happen.” Kit blushed at having been so predictable. 

   “Yeah. Sorry about that I’m fine now though.” Jace nodded. “You want to talk about it?” Kit stopped to think before nodding slowly. “It sounds stupid but I’m just scared to see the Blackthorn’s again.” Now it was Jace’s turn to look confused. “The Blackthorns? Why?”

   Kit shook his head before closing his eyes and shrugging as if it was nothing. “I didn’t really say goodbye to them when I left. Nor did I thank them for everything they did for me.” Jace raised an eyebrow and Kit could tell from the look on his face that he knew there was more but he didn’t push it.

   “I’m sure it’ll be fine Kit. You’ll be there with Jem and Tessa.” Kit shook his head and glared at his feet. “No, I have to go stay with them while Tessa and Jem go out on a mission. I wish I could just stay with Alec and Magnus or with you.” He looked up quickly. “I know you’re going on your honeymoon though so don’t worry about that obviously.” 

   Jace looked troubled and Kit cured himself again. “We could always put it off until Jem and Tessa get back. Family should be there for each other.” This time Kit cursed aloud shaking his head. “No, seriously Jace it’s fine. I’m getting worked up over nothing. You and Clary go and have fun! Not too much fun though.” Kit says grinning suggestively. When Jace didn’t even smile he sighed and met his eyes. “Jace I promise you I’m okay. I swear on the angel.”

   Jace seemed to be comforted by that and clapped Kit’s shoulder. “Okay but you know if you send me a fire message I’ll be here as soon as I can.” Kit rolled his eyes. “I went from being alone to having an overprotective brother so fast I’m getting whiplash.” Jace threw his head back and laughed loudly. 

   It seemed everything Jace did was loud. Kit smiled at him. Jace. His family. He never thought he would get an older brother but here Jace was. Jace turned to face him again and grabbed the long-forgotten shirt off the bed before folding it. 

   “Alright let’s start packing.” 

   Kit and Jace spent two hours packing and by the time they came downstairs it was getting dark. Tessa set at the table feeding Mina while Jem was washing some dishes. Tessa looked surprised to see Jace there.

   “Hello, Jace! I didn’t know you would be stopping by! How long have you been here?” Jace smiled kindly at her before pulling some faces for Mina who was giggling like crazy. “I just stopped by to check on Kit. I’ve been helping him pack the last two hours.” Tessa nods and gives Kit a knowing look. 

   “I would hate to see the state of your room if it took the two of you two hours just to pack,” Jem said from the counter with a smirk. Kit crossed his arms defensively. “We picked it up. We were just talking, that's what took us so long.” That was a lie and they all knew it.

   Jace laughed easily before looking at the clock and grimacing. “I should probably get back. As much as I don’t want to.” He turned to Kit, “Izzy’s cooking tonight.” Kit and Jace shuddered. Izzy was a right terror in the kitchen. “She’ll have my head for missing it. It was lovely seeing you Jem and Tessa.” Jace said all smiles and charm. They smiled back and said the same.

   Jace walked up to Mina before pinching her cheeks. “I’ll see you soon Miss Mina.” Mina giggled as Jace walked out of the room. Kit followed him to the door. Jace stopped and turned back to him when Kit opened it. Jace pulled Kit into a tight hug and said quietly, “Don’t forget I’m always here. No matter what, if you need me at any time, I’m here.” 

   Kit hugged him back just as tightly muttering an almost inaudible ‘thank you’ before pulling away. Jace turned to walk away stopping to wave to Kit one last time before he disappeared into the night.

4. Dru

Kit sat on his bed in the LA Institute. He had made it through the last four days. Jace’s wedding had been amazing. He hadn’t expected anything else since Clary, Izzy, and Magnus arranged it. Everything had gone smoothly. He hadn’t had to interact with the Blackthorns. He had to see them but he had managed to avoid Ty since there had been such a big turnout. 

   It had all gone well and then he had to face the Blackthorns. It had gone better than he thought honestly. Emma and Julian were passive-aggressive, Christina was kind as she always was, Mark and Kieran didn’t acknowledge him, Ty had left already with Tavvy so he hadn’t had to face him yet. Dru however, had slapped him across the face when she saw him.

   He couldn’t blame her, he would’ve done the same thing. So he took it and smiled sadly at her trying his best not to cry and said, “I missed you.” Which had made Dru cry. She had hugged him tightly and then punched his arm hard when she pulled away.

   When they had gotten back to the Institute they had all gone their separate ways. No one bothered to show him his room in case he had forgotten over the years where it was, it was a good thing he hadn’t.

   He had tried to enter as quietly as he could, Ty’s room was opposite his and he didn’t want to bother him. He used to love the fact that it only took three steps to go from his room to Ty’s, now it just seemed as if fate was taunting him.

   Kit was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to be with someone and an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness soon crashed over him when he realized he didn’t have anyone he could go to. Kit watched as his hands moved restlessly and focused on breathing. It was helpless though as his hands started shaking uncontrollably. 

   Kit groaned and once again tried to calm himself down. “No no no no, not here. Not here.” he whispered desperately to no avail. Kit clenched his jaw and wrung his hands together. He was breathing in slowly but somehow that only made him more lightheaded. 

   Kit audibly whimpered when someone knocked on his door. There was no one here he wanted to see right now. He couldn’t. He had hurt all these people, not only had he hurt them but he had hurt Ty. Everyone was mad at him for that, understandably. The door creaked open and Kit squeezed his eyes closed, unwilling to let whoever was coming in see him cry. 

   “Kit are you alright?” They shouldn’t care. Why are they even asking? I hurt their own, worst of all I became one of them and then hurt their own.

   I left Julian instead of helping him bear some of the weight like a good person was. All he cares about are his siblings, his children because that’s all he’s got left. Kit used to be someone he protected, someone he cared about, someone he could talk to. Now it’s like that time he spent with them vanished. He was now on the outside and was exposed to Julian’s cold side. But he deserved it. He deserved it he deserved it he deserved it.

   “Kit breathe. You’re not breathing.” Kit let out a breath and started hyperventilating.

   And then there was Emma and Christina, both so nice and so cold at the same time. Christina with her welcoming arms. She had woken him up from nightmares plenty of times, stayed in his room and sang him to sleep again as if he were a baby. And Emma, she had trusted him from the get-go and he let her down. He let her down and disappointed her but that’s all he was. A disappointment.

   “Kit, you're scaring me just calm down.” 

   And then there was Livvy. His first kiss, his friend, his dead friend. He could see her of course, talk to her, but in a way that was so much worse. How was it that he randomly showed up in this family and ended up being the only one who could talk to her besides Ty? How was that fair? It wasn’t. Nothing that happened to Livvy was fair. It never would be. Kit couldn’t help but think that maybe if he had been better, quicker, if he had stayed with the Blackthorns instead of going with Alec that maybe he could have saved her. Maybe he could have taken her place. He had made a promise to her and broken it. He had promised to be there for Ty and he wasn’t. 

   “Kit slow your breathing. I don’t know if you can hear me but slow your breathing.

   And then there was Mark and Helen. They had both been away for so long. They were family though none the less. Mark had gotten to spend a little time with Livvy before she died but Helen, Helen had gotten to see her once before she died. Kit had gotten to see her more than Helen did. That wasn’t fair either. Her sister and brother deserved more time with her than that. 

   “Christopher please!” 

   Little Tavvy, not understanding why Mark and Helen had left and come back when Livvy had left but couldn’t. Kit realized with a shock of pain that he was only getting Tavvy’s hopes up more. He had also left and come back but to Tavvy’s young mind he couldn’t comprehend why Livvy couldn’t. Tavvy was too innocent; he didn’t deserve anything that happened to him.

   “Kit snap out of it!” Kit wasn’t aware of the hand squeezing his arm.

   Then there was poor Dru. Her love of horror movies and gore once and for all was abandoned when she had to see her sister’s body laid out like a corpse in a movie. Except this wasn’t like her movies, this was real life. Kit cursed himself for not being there for her. How could he have left? What was he thinking leaving, just because Ty didn’t want him didn’t mean the others didn’t.

   Ty. Everything that happened that night was burnt into his brain. The words, the tears, the exasperated determination. Kit didn’t mean anything to Ty but Ty meant the world to him. That wasn’t even the worst part in Kit’s mind. The worst part was that even though Kit meant nothing to Ty he still should have stayed and helped him through everything. Instead, he had left like the coward he was and left the freaking continent. He should have been there.

   “Kit come on. Kit!”

   He should have been there. He should have been there so Julian could get more sleep. He should have been there so Emma had someone else to spar with. He should have been there to help Christina pick up the pieces. He should have been there to help Tavvy with his nightmares. He should have been there to help Dru through her sword training. He should have been there to take the weight off the older siblings shoulders. He should have been there for Ty when his whole life was ripped away from him. He should have been there to shoulder the burden of being left alive.

   “Kit!” He came back to the present when the person next to him struck him in the face. Kit groaned and brought his shaky hand to his face. He looked around. He was still in his bedroom, Dru was sitting next to him watching him with wide scared eyes. He didn’t know when it happened but he was slumped on the floor.

   Kit took deep breaths steadily calming himself and within five minutes he had calmed down. He was glad that of all the people here it was Dru that had come in. Kit let a shaky breath out and let a few tears fall. He was okay. He was okay. He was okay.

   Dru grabbed his hand and squeezed, Kit squeezed back reassuringly. Dru let out a breath and hugged Kit tightly. “Don’t do that to me! You scared me!” Kit held her close and rested his forehead on her shoulder. Panic attacks always drained him afterward. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I should have been here. I’m sorry.” Dru pulled away slightly and shook her head. 

   She ran her fingers through his hair and he calmed marginally. He was struck then by how much she had grown up. She was still scared easily but she had matured a lot. “Kit, it’ll be okay. It took time and you’re damn right you shouldn’t have left but it’ll be okay. They’ll come around. I promise they will.”

  Kit looked at her through teary eyes, “And you?” Dru stayed quiet for a moment before sighing. “Kit, I don’t think I was ever really mad. I’m glad you’re back but I was upset you left and that you left Ty when he needed you most. But know that I forgave you a long time ago.” Kit just cried harder at that.

   She didn’t hate him. She was glad he was back. Maybe it wasn’t a lost cause maybe he could prove himself and stay. Maybe things could go back to normal, well not normal but somewhat close to it.

   He set his mind then that he was going to prove to the Blackthorn’s that he was sorry and that he regretted leaving. He would try his best to show that he wants to stay, he wouldn’t force himself because he knows better than anyone that things like that shouldn’t be forced.

   But he would try his damned hardest.

5. Julian

Kit sits by himself in the large kitchen at the LA Institute. It was very different from the kitchen in Cirenworth. Maybe it was just the lack of Jem wreaking havoc by the stove or the smell of cookies Tessa seems to never stop making.

   Kit sighed, he wanted to go home. He wanted Tessa and Jem and he missed playing with Mina. He had been with the Blackthorn’s for a week already and so far everyone was at least kind of nice (besides Emma but that was what he had expected) the only person who didn’t react to him at all was Ty. 

   Kit stabbed the cookie he had with his finger. He still couldn’t make them well but Tessa had tried to teach him and it was three in the morning and he couldn’t sleep so he thought what the hell?

   Ty seemed to be avoiding him and Kit thought he might actually lose his mind. He had tried talking to him but Ty had ignored him and pretended to listen to music which wasn’t even connected to anything. He didn’t know if he should make Ty listen to him or if he should just leave him alone and leave when Tessa and Jem got back and pretend he hadn’t come back at all.

   Kit put his cookie down and put his hands up to cover his face. Why had he left? Why had he done that to Ty? How could he? Ty needed him then and he let his feelings get the best of him. Wasn’t that what his father was always trying to teach him, to get his emotions under control because if they aren’t they can be used against you? Kit had used his own emotions against himself. Ty had needed him and like the weak minded person he was he got so embarrassed he left the country.

   Granted it was also for the safety of the Blackthorn’s it, the embarrassment was the biggest play in why he had left. God how stupid could he be? 

   Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

   He got that itchy feeling he always did when he had these attacks. He scratched at his face roughly, craving the feeling of anything at this point. He was breathing raggedly but he didn’t let up on his scratching. How could he have been so stupid? Johnny would have been so mad at him. He would be in so much trouble.

   Kit let out a strangled sob. Johnny couldn’t be mad at him because he was dead. He was dead because of Kit. Well maybe that wasn’t one hundred percent accurate but he had ruined his father’s life. He made him live in fear and isolation. He made everyone’s life worse.

   Kit slammed his head against the table and pulled away quickly the pain spiking through his already throbbing head. It helped him focus on the pain and not intrusive thoughts. He went to slam his head again but something soft blocked it.

  He jerked away and looked at Julian who was standing in front of him with wide eyes. Kit let out another sob before covering his mouth and standing up so fast his chair fell backwards. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you up? I’m so sorry I was just- I just wanted some cookies. I’ll go back to bed. I-I’m-” Julian cut him off by wrapping his arms around Kit, who let out a strangled sound.

   No one purposefully touched him except Jem, Tessa, and Mina and it wasn’t unwelcome but it shocked him. It especially shocked him that it was Julian that was comforting him. Even though they had been civil he had always been overprotective of Ty and Kit knew he was still very angry.

   Kit all but collapses, Julian’s arms catching him and holding him up. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. J-Julian I’m so sorry.” Kit didn’t really think Julian understood what he was apologizing for. That he was apologizing for leaving, for hurting Ty, for Livvy, for having to be the strong person when Kit knew for a fact he wanted to break down. 

   Julian just rubbed his back and gently lowered them to the floor still gripping Kit tightly. Most times when Kit was like this he didn’t let anyone touch him but Tessa and Jem but it just felt natural and safe in Julian’s arms. He assumed it was because Julian was a father figure to him, even with his young age and never having actually had kids.

   “I’m sorry.” Kit said and cringed at how utterly broken he sounded. Julian just held him tighter. “Kit, I promise you we’ve forgiven you. Well Ty hasn’t but he will. It was so empty here Kit we missed you.” Kit just sobbed harder and clung desperately to the front of Julian’s shirt. Julian rubbed his back soothingly and Kit just sat there. He didn’t deserve this kindness. He didn’t deserve the calm and kind words Julian was saying. He knew that Jem and Tessa would say he did but he knew he didn’t. 

   After about ten minutes Kit sat back thoroughly embarrassed. He rubbed his eyes refusing to look at Julian. He sat back and threw his head back, he could feel Julian’s eyes on him. “Do you want to talk about it?” Kit shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about it, especially with Julian. How did one say ‘Oh I left when your sister died because your brother doesn’t love me back.’ He couldn’t.

   “Wrong answer.” Julian said, his eyes never straying from Kit’s face. He felt as if he was on fire, Julian couldn’t make him tell. He wouldn’t. Kit shook his head again harsher this time. “No.” He said a hint of desperation mingling in his normally carefree voice. Julian frowned. “We can do this now or we can sit here until you decide you want to.” 

   Kit bit his lip, it didn’t look like he was getting out of this one easily. “I’m sorry. For everything I did. I’m sorry for leaving.” Julian watched him, the look in his eyes telling Kit he was seeing far more than Kit wanted to share. “Why did you leave?” Julian asked cautiously, Kit shuffled uncomfortably and tugged at his hair. 

   “I shouldn’t have.” Julian nods slightly. “I know which is why I’m asking why. You left for a reason.” Kit looked anywhere but Julian blushing from embarrassment and anxiety. “I-I Julian this- you can’t tell anyone about this.” Julian raised an eyebrow and nodded. “Of course.” He said quietly.

   Kit closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Ty and I did some dumb stuff and I made the mistake of telling him I loved him. He basically told me I meant nothing to him. It was god awful timing I know that and it wasn’t the only reason I left but Julian how could I leave him?” Kit’s eyes were burning at this point but he didn’t care. He was so mad at himself he found it hard to care about anything.

   Julian was looking at him with an unreadable expression. “You love him? Like a brother or like…” He trailed off and Kit just let his face crumble. He was sick of pretending to be alright. He was tired and he just wanted everyone to be okay and for everything to be okay again. “I love him Julian. God I love him so much and it all just hurts so much.” Julian sighed and put his hands on Kit’s shoulders.

  “What exactly happened?” Kit almost told him before remembering he couldn’t tell Julian everything. “W-we were talking about Livvy. He was so sad and I told him that I love him and he just said there was nothing here if Livvy wasn’t here. He means everything to me, and I meant absolutely nothing to him.” Julian let out a sigh and Kit took in the bags under his eyes and his messy hair with a frown. 

   He doubted anyone noticed how destroyed Julian looked, well he was sure Emma did but he doubted anyone else did. How long had it been since he had gotten a good night's sleep? Guilt slowly seeped into his thoughts again and Kit shook it away deciding to talk to Julian about it later.

   “As much as I want to take Ty’s side, I think both of you were in the wrong this time. You’re right it was bad timing and he should have been allowed to grieve but he shouldn’t have ignored you  like that either. Neither of you are on the right side here Kit.” Kit took that in, he didn’t believe it but it was a nice thought.

   “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.” Kit said quietly, Julian blanched at him, obviously thrown off. “What?” Julian asked, eyebrows knitted together. “I’m sorry for not having been here for you.” Kit repeated sadly. “I know you do so much for everyone and everyone was grieving and it didn’t give you time to grieve and I'm just sorry for not being here to help.” Kit said earnestly.

   Julian gave him an odd look before slowly shaking his head, a sad smile on his face, and hugged him. “It’s alright Kit, you don’t have to worry about that.” Kit hugged him back, what a weird three a.m. heart to heart. “Someone other than Emma has to.” Kit said quietly, Julian laughed softly.

   “I’ll tell you what, if you come to me next time you feel this way instead of baking cookies at 3 a.m. I’ll come to you if I need help with anything I’m getting overwhelmed with okay?” Kit looked into Julian’s blue-green eyes and when he saw the authenticity he was searching for he smiled and nodded.

   Julian stood up with a smile and reached down a hand to help Kit up. “Are you ready to go to bed?” He asked when Kit stifled a yawn. Kit nodded and threw the cookies away, he really needed to get better. They always ended up to still be too doughy. 

   When they split towards their room Kit paused turning to Julian before hugging him one more time. “I really am here if you need me, I know you have other people to go to first but just know I am here.” Julian squeezed him harder and Kit knew he was saying thank you without words. Kit squeezed back before letting go and walked back to his room.

   Maybe now he could get some sleep.

6. Ty

Kit needed Ty to talk to him, he didn’t care if Ty screamed or yelled at him all he wanted was for Ty to stop ignoring him. He needed the confrontation, he needed to know Ty blamed him for what happened with Livvy and for leaving. Most people would be fine with the person that hates them ignoring them but Kit couldn’t take it, not with Ty.

   Which is how Kit found himself standing in front of Ty’s door, his breathing steadily getting more ragged. All he had to do was knock, he just needed to knock, needed to get this over with. He needed Ty to blow up on him, however out of character that was for Ty. 

   Kit had the sleeves of his sweatshirt pulled over his hands, clenching and unclenching the soft fabric. It was Jem’s old sweatshirt but practically everyone at their house wore it. Tessa when she missed Jem when he was away, Kit when he needed to relax or simply sought the comfort, Kit had no doubt that Mina would steal it too when she got big enough.

   His hand was hovering a few inches from the wood of the door, just a few inches, but Kit couldn’t bring himself to knock. He was trembling all over and Kit could tell this was going to be a bad one. 

   He slumped to the floor, his legs too tired to hold him. All of a sudden Livvy was floating above him. “Kit! I thought I- Kit?” She asked, abandoning her playful tone for a concerned one. Kit didn’t even think to respond, instead clawing at his throat trying desperately to breathe even though clawing at his throat was doing nothing to help.

   Tears were streaming down his face and Kit simply wanted to give up, stop fighting his anxiety, and simply cease to exist. It was a harsh thought, but it wasn’t the first time he had thought of it. 

   Jem normally could tell when he was in a bad place and would distract him but there was no one here to distract him. No one to come to his aid because they cared, no one who would hold him and ground him. He knew he could go to Dru or Christina but he didn’t want to show his weakness. 

   Kit didn’t notice when Livvy left abruptly until he heard hurried footsteps coming down the hall and harsh whispers. “Livvy what is it? What’s going on?” That was definitely Ty, Kit thought, his head swiveling around trying to figure out where to go. His brain wasn’t thinking right or he would have noticed that he was going into Ty’s room instead of his own. 

   His vision was blurred and spotty, black stars dancing across his vision, and Kit knew that if he didn’t start breathing soon he would pass out. It wouldn’t be the first time.

   Livvy floated through Ty’s door right before Ty himself walked through the entryway. “Livvy what’s-” Ty cut off abruptly, eyes zoning in on Kit’s trembling body. Ty stared at him for a minute, taking in his clattering teeth and the blood on his neck, fingers, and lips. For normal people, it would take them a while to realize that Kit had been scratching at his neck until it bled and that he’d bitten his lips due to his shuddering body, but Ty wasn’t normal people, he was smart and had an eye for detail.

   Ty walked slowly up to Kit, his hands coming up slowly as not to scare him more than he already was. Kit let out what would have been a sob had he had any air in his lungs. Kit was only slightly focused on Ty, his vision getting worse to the point of not being able to see Ty at all. 

   The sudden blindness set Kit off into new hysterics. “Kit!” Ty said loudly, trying to get his attention. It didn’t work. “Kit, come on can you hear me?” Kit reached out blindly in response, his vision now completely gone. Kit knew it wouldn’t be long before he passed out. He wished now more than ever that Jem was here.

   Kit’s arm struck something solid and he went to recoil but a hand clamped down on it and Kit all but fell forward, desperately trying to feel some, anxiety coursing through his body at his lack of sight.

   Ty was pulling him into his arms, murmuring soft things having given up on trying to get Kit to listen to his words. There was a terrible ringing in his ears and Kit halfway folded into himself, he was still shaking like a leaf and it didn’t take long for everything to go silent.

   The last thing Kit felt before falling unconscious was Ty burning his face in Kit’s golden curls.

   When Kit woke up the first thing he noticed was how dry his throat was, swallowing felt like sandpaper, and every small noise he made hurt. The second thing he realized was that he wasn’t in his room but he was in someone’s bed.

   That was all it took for the memories to come rushing back and he bolted upright, knocking off the slight weight that was resting on his forehead. Something behind him jumped and he turned quickly to see Ty sitting behind him, previously acting as Kit’s pillow.

   There must have been some panic in his eyes because Ty shook his head before slowly reaching out so he could brush some hair out of his face. “You’re alright Kit, just breathe.” Ty said quietly and Kit took in a deep breath, relieved to find it wasn’t hard at all.

   Kit was tense and stared at Ty for a few moments while Ty stared at Kit’s hair, his fingers clenching and unclenching around Kit’s curls. Kit wondering if Ty was fighting off his anxiety as much as Kit was about this whole situation. 

   Eventually when it was clear Ty had no interest in withdrawing his hand, Kit laid back down, too tired from his panic attack to hold himself up anymore. His head found Ty’s lap again and he started fiddling with the ring Ty always wore.

   Ty let Kit steal his hand and continued running his hand through Kit’s hair with the other. Kit was first to break the silence. “I’m sorry, I’ve said it before but I truly am. All of it’s my fault, I should have told you how I felt from the beginning about necromancy and I shouldn’t have left you at the lake. I should have said goodbye, well I shouldn’t have left at all but the least I could have done was say goodbye and I’m sorry I messed all of this up. I really am, you deserve someone who will be there for you, not someone who will leave like a coward.” Kit paused, taking a breath and looking up at Ty’s averted eyes. “Ty- I’m just really sorry.” Kit said, looking down again a frown plastered on his lips.

   It was silent for a minute before Ty looked down at Kit’s face, eyes locking on a spot right above Kit’s left eyebrow. “Are you finished?” Ty asked, his voice unreadable. Kit shivered and nodded, eyes drifting to the hand he was playing with. “I forgave you about two months after you left. Everyone was still mad on my behalf but I forgave you. You’re my Watson how could I not? Sherlock always needs his Watson.” 

   Kit was embarrassed to admit that his vision turned blurry, this time from tears rather than lack of vision. “I-If you forgave me why have you been avoiding me.” Kit asked quietly, his hand grabbed Ty’s, no longer playing with the ring, instead holding it as a quiet reassurance.

   Ty looked down at Kit, a confused expression on his face. “Because you were mad at me.” Ty said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Kit frowned. “Ty I was never mad at you, ever, the only person I was upset with was myself.” Ty looked away, his eyes landing on his bookcase.

   “I made you do something you obviously didn’t want to do, we broke laws Kit and it was my fault. I brought back my dead sister against her wishes, it was my fault. Kit how could you have not been mad about any of that?” Kit sat silent, searching for the right words. “I was never mad because that wasn’t you’re fault. You were grieving and you would have done it with or without me and everyone knows Sherlock is better with Watson.” Kit said, deep and lighthearted at the same time.

   Ty’s lips pulled up in the corners and Kit felt his own smile in response. “Aren’t we a mess.” Kit said, looking up at the ceiling, a weightless feeling taking over, one he hadn’t felt since he was last with Ty.

   Ty’s hand resumed in Kit’s hair and when he spoke Kit could hear the smile in his voice. “We really are.”

   They sat there for some time, a peaceful silence falling over them. Later they would talk more, catch up on the years of absence but right now they just basked in each other’s company. They weren’t fixed completely and Kit knew they would never be the same but sometimes things need to change with time. Fate threw them together for a reason and Kit wasn’t going to argue with it again.

“The ways of fate are indeed hard to understand. If there is not some compensation hereafter, then the world is a cruel jest.” -Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

[ohnotoomanyfandoms]

any theories on jesse blackthorn?

SO MANY!!! Here are my main 3 theories. They might not all turn out to be true, but they’re not co-dependent on each other to work. 

he’s not actually Tatiana’s son

he’s trying to get Lucie to trust him so Tatiana can deliver her to Belial in case things with James fail

he will be possessed by Belial in Chain of Iron

Now let me explain them:

THEORY 1: 

I think the Jesse we know isn’t the real Jesse Blackthorn. As in, he’s not Tatiana and Rupert’s baby. I’ve always found it a bit suspicious how the grown son of a Lightwood and a Blackthorn, two of the most noble, ancient, and powerful Shadowhunter blood in Europe, wouldn’t survive his Voyance rune. 

Tatiana always said the child was “sickly” and refused to have him bear marks until Jesse himself, at 17 years old, threatened to run away to get his runes elsewhere. At that point, Tatiana called the Silent Brothers, who performed the ceremony, but the angelic power of the rune basically burned Jesse, he got a fever and died. I understand Jesse was “sickly”, but Shadowhunter children of 12 are able to withstand their Voyance rune. His supposed cousin Thomas, too, was sickly as a child, and he turned out fine. 

A 17 year-old boy is almost an adult... so how come his body reacted the way it did? Easy. He couldn’t withstand the angelic power because he wasn’t a Shadowhunter. I believe the Jesse we know is a changeling. I don’t think he himself knows this. I don’t know if Tatiana knows this (though I guess if she did it could be why she refused to have him marked). Faeries are famous for swapping babies in their cribs. Remember how they did it to Tessa’s mother - born a Shadowhunter named Adele Starkweather - and exchanged her with a mundane baby? According to Shadowhunter lore, it’s actually something that happens quite often, so don’t worry about Cassie repeating the trope in two different series. 

Now, I know what you will say: “but some characters in Chain of Gold note how Jesse resembles Tatiana and also his uncle Gabriel!” That is a very good point. However, humans are a trusting bunch: we see what they expect or wish to see. To back this up, I will point out how after it is revealed that Jace is Valentine’s son at the end of City of Bones, various characters proceed to point out how alike Jace and Valentine look in City of Ashes and City of Glass. Clary, who - as an artist - is great at picking up details and physical appearances notices it. Maryse, who knew Valentine as a teenager and has raised Jace, even says she should’ve noticed the similarities sooner. But then it turns out Jace and Valentine don’t actually share any blood, and yet people still saw those similarities. Humans see what they expect to see. 

Something that I thought is very funny is that in the very first chapter of Chain of Gold, Days Past , when Lucie encounters Jesse for the first time, she assumes that he is a changeling: 

“He must be a changeling, Lucie thought wisely. He knew a great deal about faeries, but was clearly not one of them: he had warned her about being stolen away by the Fair Folk, which must be what had happened to him.” 

She proceeds to believe this for years. How ironic would it be, it it turned out to be true?

(I made a Twitter thread about this today, which is why you might be asking.)

THEORY 2: 

Jesse is working on Tatiana’s orders to get Lucie to trust him. Essentially he’s doing something similar to what Grace is doing to James, minus the bracelet/spell. It would make sense for Tatiana to have a back-up plan, if things with James don’t work out, and Lucie is right there. This way, if the time comes when Belial needs to utilize Lucie instead of James (or with him, I guess), they will have an easy way of getting her. 

I don’t know if Jesse’s intentions are entirely malicious, but then again Grace’s also aren’t, and she still cooperated with Belial for years. I certainly wouldn’t like Jesse to romance Lucie only to deliver her to a Greater Demon, but wouldn’t that be more thrilling than a ghost falling in love with the only girl who can see him? So far, Lucie is playing into their plan: she trusts Jesse and is willing to break the Law to bring him back. Let’s look at the scoreboard: Tatiana 2, Herondales -2. 

Consider this foreshadowing quote from ChOG that Lucie speaks wistfully: “No one has ever tried to seduce me!” and proceed to cry about it with me. 

THEORY 3:

I’m 100% convinced this will happen. If when Lucie and Grace successfully perform necromancy and bring Jesse back to life, he clearly will not receive the Shadowhunter baptism. Because they would need to announce to the Clave that he’s alive, and they would need to admit they were implied in illegal necromantic activity, which they can’t do. 

So just like it happened to Jace when he was brought back by Raziel himself, Jesse will be an open vessel for any demon to possess. We already know Belial has plans for him from the epilogue of ChOG, where he says, “I will let no harm come to Jesse. What he carries is too precious.” And later adds “I have an anchor here.” Now, I am no expert on demonic possession, but it’s pretty safe to say Belial is planning to inhabit Jesse’s body somehow. 

There you have it! Thoughts welcome, no hate please.