#Distortions applied to image

[cs6portfoliosamples]

[koimethehorizon]

Deltarune: The Image of Divinity and The Angel

(MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR CH 4 of DELTARUNE and UNDERTALE)

If you haven't found this scene, go back to the room where you have to avoid a bunch of Shadow Blobs shortly after reaching the Third Sanctuary. Find a way into the hidden room on the bottom right-side of the room (follow the broken path) and you'll see this at the right side of the hall.

This string of dialogue, especially Susie's uneasy reaction, creeps the hell out of me.

Whatever the Angel's identity is, its physical form is something so terrifying and beyond comprehension that even in the minimalistic style the Prophecy normally uses, Susie is stunned by the implications of just looking at it.

One brilliant theory that I've heard a couple of people mention already is that the empty space is meant to reflect our screens like a black mirror. We are The Angel in this interpretation.

That's just crazy, and I'm very into it.

I'd like to delve a little further into this train of thought that may or may not confirm this theory further.

Remember what the Titan looks like right before we fight it?

BALD

It's a human skull. Maybe even what the Titan's skeleton looks like underneath its divine angelic flesh.

When I first got to this section, I almost thought that the Titan would just be a full on human JPEG like Photoshop Flowey was in Undertale.

Speaking of which...

What... is this even supposed to be?

This is one facet of Undertale that's always been neglected because we've never found any concrete answers for what it could be.

For all we're concerned, it's just part of the absurd horror imagery that Toby is trying to invoke during this section, and we're not meant to think too hard on it.

Except...

Toby used this face as his pfp on Twitter until the release of Deltarune Ch 1. So either he's really proud of the damn face or there's something more to it.

I don't really have an answer for this, but what I will guess right now is:

I think this is what the Angel looks like.

Not the Omega Flowey face specifically, but it's likely a pixelated human face.

Consider the similarities between these examples. This distorted human imagery has been used twice to depict divine beings.

One showing Flowey ascending to a higher state of existence.

The other shows a nigh-unstoppable world-ending monster only depicted in legend.

And The Angel is something akin to Deltarune's Abrahamic God or The Savior. Churches and an entire religion are dedicated to The Angel, yet we only see it depicted as the symbol of the Deltarune.

Let's take a few steps back and return to the "The Angel is The Player" theory.

There's actually one big piece of evidence for this theory in Undertale:

Ominous how early Toby planted these seeds huh?

In Undertale, The Angel is 100% meant to be You on each of the 3 playable routes. Now "You" is a bit subjective because that noun could be applied to 3 candidates:

You "The Player"

Frisk the MC you control

Chara, the true identity of the red SOUL

Regardless of who The Angel refers to in this messed-up trio, one very bold statement is conveyed.

The Angel decides the ending of the story.

And we, as The Player, get to decide how this ending plays out.

To the characters of Undertale and Deltarune, yeah, that's divine power alright. A power that Spamton considered his ticket to [Heaven].

If this theory holds true, then that means a person behind the screen is the image of divine power. In Undertale/Deltarune The image of God is...

A REAL human.

[niccolites]

i don't wanna break the heart of any other man (but you)

johnny (soap) mactavish x fem!reader, brother's best friend au. cw dub-con

read on ao3 here, originally based off of the very talented @ceilidho 's ask here

--

It starts with a ribbon in your hair, neat and pink, ripped out by Johnny’s hand. He laughs in your face, all gummy smile at the age of eight, grinning as you cry and try to get it back.

You are seven-years-old, and you don’t know why your brother hangs out with this bully. Even worse, the inaction. Your perfect big brother, reduced to a faceless bystander.

Lungs catch and then stutter, devastation as you learn and relearn the same lesson until it sticks. A boy can treat you how he wants, as long as he minds his ps and qs about it.

The world around you is defined in the short-term - the sky is blue, your mary-janes have a scuff on them that your mother is worried people are going to notice, and you hate Johnny Mactavish.

He becomes friends with your brother and steals him away from you. Best friends once, you and your brother. Now you've been replaced by some snotty little boy who is constantly yanking on your pigtails. In your own living room, your brother is silent when you run from the room crying.

He's your bully, a twist in your stomach when no one seems to understand this. You sit on the back step, hiccuping tears as you listen to Johnny and your brother have fun in the living room. Only Johnny seems to notice your tears when you come back in and sit, sullen, in the corner. His gaze is a living thing that crawls over you, something alive that shudders like a second skin over yours.

The defining story of your childhood is told like this, after the fact: Johnny keeps picking on you, one day he steals your ribbon and you cry. He keeps the ribbon to this day. Cue the hand on the heart and the coos from the audience. A hit every time, an instant classic.

(One part of the story that is always missed out when this is told and retold again and again is how you actually swing at him. The last time you’re on an even playing field because he unwillingly takes it on the chin.)

Respective parents swoop in, fussing and pulling the two of you apart. Injustice doled out swiftly as Johnny clings to that ribbon, as no one takes it off of him.

“Oh, honey, boys do that when they like you,” your mum coos at you. It's a pathetic attempt to comfort you, leaving you confused more than anything. Here is the sharp reality, your perfect hair undone and mussed. Here is the crack that distorts the image, smoothing over the edges and makes it more palatable.

Johnny catches this, mouth agape as he takes it in. There’s a red mark on his chin from your hand, blue eyes wide and watery.

You wonder if Johnny remembers this. You can see the exact moment that this registers with him, as if he had never considered the ‘why’ of what he was doing to you. And here was the reason, delivered to him from the woman who always gives him an extra cookie when he comes over to play. A click, the universe has righted itself. Something slotting into place according to some higher power. Path set, direction coordinated. Your ribbon clenched in his fist. Meaning applied, after the fact.

It matters to you, you suppose. A politically incorrect statement that alters the start of your life, for all intents and purposes. Here is the centre of it, tattered ribbon and throbbing knuckles, and a lie that is swallowed and turned into truth. Johnny probably doesn’t care. The centre of his entire infatuation does not matter as much as the gulf of the rest of it. Who cares about him snapping your training bra, what matters is the image of his fingers as they wriggle under the strap, the warmth of skin before the snap of plastic. Johnny’s vision of you seems to be half-eclipsed by what he does to you.

It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but Johnny is a lesson that the bitterness is quickly forgotten once the pill hits the bottom of your stomach. Well, then there’s just the acceptance of how things are meant to be, right?

//

What starts off as the play fighting of a rough child in puppy love becomes the earnest approaches of a lovesick teenager. Supposedly.

Before, maybe someone would have eventually stepped in. Maybe there is a finite number of times that a girl can come home crying after having her hair pulled before someone does start to get concerned. Maybe you were a few hundred short when puberty hits and Johnny makes a sharp pivot.

Gone are the shoves, Johnny sticking his foot out to trip you up. Pulling your hair and dashing away, as if unable to stand being near you. His attention is an ugly thing that sits between you. Even he doesn't seem equipped to handle it, breath always coming a little bit too sharp when he steals your teddy, eyes on your reaction even as he tries to dart away.

Now, Johnny is always near. He doesn’t shove anymore, just stands, always too close. You start wearing a training bra and he is a bit too focused about it. Asks you how it feels, gaze hot on your face, like he wants you to say something hot. (You know it doesn’t matter what you say, he’ll likely think that anyway). Petty at the age of 13, you spit into his drink to try and gross him out and he downs it like he had been waiting for it.

Years are not defined by time passing, but rather Johnny and his relationship to you. Years pass with the deterioration of the two of you, scratches in the wall to track the history of how bad everything spirals out of control.

You’re thirteen, and Johnny is pinging your bra strap. He's fourteen, and now he's a few inches taller which he starts using to his advantage, leaning over you when you try to get by him.

You're fourteen, and Johnny is telling you that he jerked off to the thought of you last night before smiling at your mother while you scoff in disgust. He's fifteen, and deciding he wants to start heavy-lifting, wanting to get in shape for you.

You're fifteen, and Johnny is begging you to come swimming with them, hands smoothing over your hips while you try to shove him off. He's sixteen, and he’s holding an enlistment pamphlet and asking how much you would miss him if he went.

You’re sixteen, and Johnny is yanking up your jumper and his breath comes out as a wheeze when he sees the light blue cups that he is convinced match his eyes. He’s seventeen, and trying to get you to drink with him, pupils blown as he tilts the bottle to your mouth and some of it spills over your bottom lip.

You’re seventeen, and Johnny is shoving his hand down the front of your panties, won’t you let him see his favourite girl before he leaves? You don’t know if he’s even really referring to you anymore. He’s eighteen, and he’s almost gone. The weight on your shoulders is heavier, the way it must be before it’s lifted. Almost out, the crack of light in a tomb, mouth watering for it.

He’s trying to be gentle with you, he explains, nights before he leaves. Your nipples are raw under your shirt from where he had yanked your shirt up and ducked down to bite them with a groan. You scowl.

Sitting in your room, your family downstairs. He had asked for a moment with you, for the third time that day and your mother had been charmed. She had been blubbering since she found out that he enlisted, back bowing as you seem to lift higher with each hour that passes.

He needs to make you understand what is going on between the two of you. Needs to make it clear to you before he goes. “We’re meant to be,” he says, patient, even as his hands flex, smoothing over your knees. A creak of bone against muscle, seconds away from wrenching your thighs open and taking what he believes he is owed.

It seems like some kind of stupid honour code. You’re too wriggly. He can have his pound of flesh but he wants the full slab. Maybe he thinks he has to earn it, wants you to spread your legs and let him in.

Fat chance. You tell him as much, delighting for a moment at the way that dopey smile drops off his face. You imagine punching him now, wonder if you could break his nose this time, you think you have enough anger built up to really manage it.

Before you get a chance to really think it over, he grabs you, hands hard on your hips. Yanking your leggings down, and you think that you were wrong, if you didn’t bring over the full cow he was just going to and wrangle that fucker himself.

Minutes later and he’s puffing hot breath into the crook of your neck, the head of his cock between the gusset of your underwear and your pussy. He had gripped your hand and guided it around his dick, up and down. You would stop, but his hand is manacled around your wrist, palm hot against the pulse of your veins. Two layers of skin between your respective flesh, nothing really.

He whines when pre-cum aids the way, huffs a laugh when he nudges against your clit and you tremble. Barely any slick between your folds but he hones in on it like he does with everything to do with you. Dips the head of his cock further down to catch it, forehead thumping against your shoulder to watch as his cock shines with the slightest bit of your juices.

Here is the body’s natural reaction to stimulation. And here is Johnny taking the explanation that he has been waiting for.

“A knew it,” he mutters, feverish as his hips stutter, your hand tightening for a second as he nudges against your clit again. “Knew you were wantin’ it, lovey. But you had tae act like a right cow, eh?” He chuckles, dark before he yanks your chin up (you had been staring as well, you realise with a flush of shame), slants his mouth over yours.

He’s still angry, thumb digging into the soft flesh beneath your skin as he drags his tongue over yours, sucking it into his mouth until you hiccup.

He’s big like this, eighteen, and the puppy fat had shrank off years ago. Shoulders hunches to reach you, hand cradling your jaw in place, almost ear to ear.

He pulls back and you loll forward, pressure that had been holding you in place suddenly gone. You reel with it, almost falling forward before he nudges you back again. He huffs, a mean thing into your temple, hand sliding to the back of your neck. “Ye wantin’ it?” he asks. You wonder if he actually wants an answer, know that he already has his confirmation between your thighs.

His hand squeezes your wrist, and you clumsily twist your palm when you reach the top of his shaft, morbidly curious. He told you how he liked to jerk off two New Years ago, did it how he thought you would do it for him. Prophesied.

His shoulders shake, moaning wantonly as if you aren’t in your bedroom with your parents watching TV just downstairs. “Fuck,” he hisses, eyes on how your hand barely covers half of his cock as you stroke him. His hand thumps into the wall beside your shoulder, other hand flexing with his thumb on your wrist bone.

“Ah, fuck, dae that again,” he huffs until you do, again and again until he whines, head back into the crook of your neck as he drools into the collar of your shirt.

Both his hands are on your arse now, squeezing and kneading as he humps like a misbehaved dog into your hand. “I know you didnae mean it,” he mutters, pulling the spit soaked collar of your shirt down to kiss and lick and bite your collarbone. “You were jus’ missin’ me already, eh? A know, lovey, a know, there we are, just havtae show you the way sometimes, my poor wee angel, a forgive ye, a dae, a swear.”

He grips the backs of your thighs and squeezes when he comes, pushing until the head of his cocks kicks up near the entrance of your cunt, whining and shuddering through it. He pants as he comes back down, cock jerking idly in your now loose grasp, red hot against where you are now wet. Probably, mostly with Johnny’s cum.

He gives a heaving sigh, pushes his palms against the wall to look down at you. He likes what he sees - spit slick mouth, red neck, bare pussy with his cum staining you and your underwear.

“A willnae be gone long,” he says, as if you had been mid conversation. “A will come back f’ you, angel,” he promises, gaze hot on the crux of your legs.

You stare up at him, hand still loose around his shaft before you let go. A curdled desire settles in your stomach. Always for Johnny, and always half ruined at inception because it’s for Johnny.

Hours later and he’s gone. You sit at the breakfast table, your mother fussing in her upset about him being gone. Your brother is quiet as always, gives you a strange look. Johnny’s cum is dried out in your favourite pair of panties upstairs. You bite into a piece of toast, feel each crumb as it digs into your gums and dirties you.

//

It gets worse again after he officially enlists in the army. Before Johnny is the cute teenager that trails after your every move, intent and so so sweet.

Now he is Johnny, the childhood sweetheart. Before both of your parents had viewed you as scorning a poor lovesick puppy. Now you are a couple, constantly bickering about something or other. You insist that he is not your boyfriend, and are met with rolled eyes and knowing looks.

Johnny’s mother confesses that half of his calls to her are asking for you. You briefly consider moving to another country.

He sends pictures of his cock while he is away, the head red and you hate that you know how hot it would be to the touch. You reply and tell him to cut it off and he tells you that you’re the one.

Your mum doesn’t understand when you complain so heavily about him. Every complaint is met with a rebuttal, as if Johnny’s hand is at the back of everyone’s throat, puppeting everything that they say.

He’s too touchy. Because he loves you sweetheart, my god, I wish someone would want me that much.

He’s too close. God forbid someone enjoy your company.

Don’t you think he’s a little bit strange? He’s in the army, you dick, don’t you think you could be just a little bit nicer about it?

You feel half insane, the only one protesting the way that he treats you, the way he has always treated you. The capacity for cruelty has just shifted. Johnny has always worked within the parameters that were available to him. Sure, he can’t get away with yanking on your pigtails anymore, but biting a bit too hard at your neck has the same result. Tears in your eyes, and everyone tells you that this is how Johnny shows you he likes you.

After his first deployment, he gets so close to fucking you that you get spooked. Eighteen now, and suddenly ten years younger, Johnny taking something that doesn’t belong to him. You let him fuck up the length of your cunt, let him lick his cum off of you. He keeps his head between your thighs, eats you out like a man starved until you shake, tears in the corners of your eyes. Shame again, at how sloppy he is, spit and slick and cum everywhere. He likes it, likes how shameful you get about it. Laps that up too, tongue buried in you like he wants to get to the back of your throat. He always wants more of you than you think you have to begin with.

He lies back, barely sated but will at least lie still now and pulls you over to drape over his chest. He’s getting bigger, you think. Maybe he’s taking parts of you, squirreling them away in himself, until you don’t know you unless you find it in him.

You curve one hand over his barrel chest, barely any give in the muscle. He hums, a booming noise beneath your ear. “Tha’s all it took,” he murmurs, hand smoothing over your head like you’re a cat. “A bit ae missin’ me and yer as sweet as a kitten.”

You’re too tired to give a snarky response, though you briefly wonder if you can get away with pinching his side a bit too hard in retribution.

You know he’s going to be even more pent up the next time he gets back, that he’s going to think he’s owed your virginity. You refuse to give him another reason to tie the two of you together indefinitely. You think he’ll propose if he does, he has already been messaging you about it, asking when the two of you were finally going to walk down that aisle that he’s been building around you for years.

You go to a pub the next time he leaves, ignore his messages to call because he misses you so much. Sit at the counter until some sleazy guy who looks double your age saunters up and offers to buy you a drink. You shouldn’t, it is so dangerous. You barely have to cut your eyes towards him before he’s taking this as forwardness. Offers to take you home and immediately starts pawing at you in his truck.

You let him bend you over, the clink of a belt and its all over. You rock with each thrust, hating yourself for catching sight of the man’s hand on yours and knowing that Johnny’s is bigger.

You bring a hand down to rub along your clit, but the first whine that leaves your mouth brings the entire show to a close and you stand up, furious. The man wheezes in the seat as you barely say goodbye, wrenching your panties up and storming home.

Johnny’s been calling you, must be on whatever type of break he gets wherever he is, and you answer after the third missed call. Low timber floods your ear and warms your bones.

He’s so excited he caught you, been missing you so much, baby. Thinking about you all the time, he got in trouble for not being able to focus. Asks if you’ve been taking care of his pretty girl for him?

You let him yap in your ear the whole way home, wanting desperately for your vibrator. “You missin’ me too, baby?” Johnny huffs in your ear. You hum, absentmindedly in response. He’s on it, scenting blood.”Aye? Tell me, how much, eh? You been petting yourself thinking of me?”

You’re home, Johnny still trying to goad you on over the phone, the connection is bad but he seems to overcome it. Hulking, even over a wire to get to you. Maybe you could get him to talk through getting yourself off. It’s disgusting, but maybe you could give yourself a pass this one time. He’s allowed to do whatever he wants, where are your allowances? Johnny gets to hop back and forth over the line of propriety, you’re allowed one slip up before you return to your factory settings.

Your vibrator, hidden in the back of your bedside table, gone. You know it was him, know he binned it. Know he probably didn’t want anything getting you off except him.

You stare at the empty space in the back of your drawer, cold water down your spine that douses any flames of arousal you think you have ever felt and maybe will ever feel again. Anger is back, and so beautifully familiar. Johnny is still droning on, something about letting him see a picture of how much you’re missing him.

“I fucked someone else,” you say, voice gritty.

The line goes quiet. Small buzzes that make up the distance between the two of you, the call dropping and reconnecting. Universe bringing you back together again.

“That’s not fucking funny,” Johnny says, voice low in a way that you don’t think that you’ve heard before.

“Good thing I’m not joking,” you snap back. You feel frightened, eyes darting to the window as if he is about to start running in your direction, all the way across the globe. You wouldn’t put it past him. But never let it be said that you wouldn’t put your hand to the snapping teeth of a rabid dog.

He’s silent, breath heaving before the line goes dead.

You drop your phone to the floor and stand in the quiet of your room. A bird chirps in the distance, life reinstating itself even in the absence of Johnny. You crawl into bed and refuse to get off tonight. A competition where you are the only participant and the only loser too. Fitting.

//

You don’t see Johnny for months after that. Which makes sense, because he is across the globe. But the silence feels eerie, the way you imagine it might be for him. The thunder of a gun and the shutter after. Silence ringing, not due to quiet but because of the absence of sound.

He doesn’t message you at all during this period. Clearly he says something to his mother, because she gives you a frown at church that Sunday. “You must’ve done something,” your mum hisses at you, embarrassed that the story of childhood sweethearts that she gave birth to has become a story of a surly woman who cannot appreciate the man who loves her as he risks his life for his country.

You don’t bother replying. There’s no point, really. Everything has been set in motion and everyone had climbed on board. You were the one that derailed the track and upset everything.

You refuse to admit that you miss Johnny. That your phone buzzes and there is a moment where you think it could be him. For months, it isn’t. You feel like you’re floating out in orbit and your lifeline has gone silent on you. Drifting, the cold slowly creeping in, nothing around to propel yourself off of. Gain some momentum, do something.

You sit and wait for Johnny’s judgement day.

He gets back on a Friday, and he doesn’t come to see you. You know he’s back, because you can hear your brother on the phone to him, asking if he got back alright. You skulk around the corner, waiting for any mention of your name. If there is any, you don’t hear it.

You sit in your room, uncertain. The thing that you hadn’t considered is that while you had been complaining about how you and Johnny had been set up in the direction that you were going in, you hadn’t thought about what you would do if you weren’t doing this. You have derailed the train now, but you don’t remember when you got on, or how to get back there.

You mull this over, legs tucked to the side as you lean into the large bear on your bed. Won for you, by Johnny of course, at some fair when you were kids. Maybe you could leave. Nothing as drastic as another country, but another town maybe, escape the suffocation that comes with being here and everyone knowing you as Johnny’s girl.

Daydreaming, imagining yourself in a place where no one knows who you are, you are startled out of your thoughts when your window slams open. Soap hoists himself up and into your room, with an ease you imagine he must not have had before.

You blink at him as he stands next to your open window, gaze hot on you without saying a word. You shuffle a little, uncertain, refusing to speak first. You feel bizarrely guilty, as if you have done something wrong. Even though you know you haven’t. Just because a man decides he is owed your virginity, doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong for not giving it to him.

Still, you swallow an apology on the back of your tongue and it tastes like ash.

Johnny quietly reaches over and slams your window shut, making you jump.

“Y’know, a went around town and tried to figure out who ye cheated on me wae,” he says, at last, face darker than you have ever seen it. His hair is slightly grown out along the sides, mohawk less stark like this. Hair like he had when he was ten, almost.

“I didn’t cheat on you -” You try to interject, remembering your indignation more than anything.

Johnny lunges for you, hand hot around your ankle as he yanks you down the bed. “Who fuckin’ was it, huh? Y’ know, ave been tryin’ so hard wae you, thinkin’ that you’ve been missin’ me just as much as a have you, but instead you’ve been tryin’ tae hurt me, whorin yourself fae anyone -”

You reel your arm back to punch him in the face, and he catches your wrist just before you can make contact with his jaw. “I didn’t fucking whore myself out, I’m sorry that you’re fucking delusional -”

A hand in the length of your hair and he wrenches your head back, slamming his mouth against yours. It’s sore, all teeth as you both hiss and spit at each other. It feels like an even playing field again, even though you feel swallowed up in his bulk. His hand leaves your hair and grips you everywhere he can, like everything belongs to him already.

You feel white hot, letting him lick across the back of your teeth like he doesn’t want any part of you untouched by him. You hold onto his shoulders, letting him pull you all over, leans back and hooks a finger over your jaw. Pulls your mouth open. You realise what he’s going to do a moment before he does it, spit landing on your tongue. Instinctive to swallow it.

He moans wantonly at the sight, a sound that flushes you in embarrassment. For god’s sake, you’re in your mother’s house. He’s licking into your mouth, spit everywhere and making you feel sticky.

His hand slides between your thighs and you feel the moment that he finds out how wet you are, his hips stuttering a quick grind against your hip. “Jus’ for me, huh?” he asks, feverishly hot. He pulls back as he yanks your shorts off, panties dragged along with. Groans at the sight of you, wet and swollen between your legs. “Eh? Is this what ye did wae that fuckin’ boy?”

Your thighs shake, hands trying to catch his wrist as he slides two fingers into you, thumb mean against your clit. “What?” you croak, blinking up at him.

“Whatever loser you took home with you,” Johnny asks, hawk-like focus on your face. Strange for him, when your pussy is on show. “You take him back here and did ye let him dae this tae y’? Ye think aboot me when he brought his small dick oot?”

You don’t respond and he pinches your clit until you squeak, trying to buck away from him.

“I’m sorry, angel,” he coos suddenly, eyes no longer on your face but between your legs. “My pretty girl, you just need someone to show you, right?”

He fingers you, thumb intent on your clit until you start to shake, voice getting higher, Then he stops, fingers slipping out of you (when did it become three?), with a wet noise that if you were more in your mind, you would flush about.

You start to whine, and he flips you over onto your front, hikes your ass in the air and coos of the sight of your cunt throbbing at the injustice of it all. “A know, angel, A know. A want to give ye what yer wantin, but a don’t know if you deserve it,” he hums. Fucking liar, if the clink of his belt is anything to go by, then the hot stroke of his cock between your sticky folds that has you arching your back like a cat in heat. He’s trying to be teasing, but his voice shakes, restraint held together by a thin chain and he is a big man.

He holds you still with a hand on your hip, the heat of it sinking into your skin. You can hear him beating off, using your slick to aide the way as he stares at your holes. You feel like you want to cry, sitting on display for him to get off on. You do, but it also makes you feel piping hot all over. There’s a sickness in him and he’s been dosing you up on it for years. Viral disease, his spit in your mouth until it clogs the back of your throat and finally takes root in your bloodstream.

“Was thinking about this so much,” he murmurs, as if caught up in a dream. “Wanted tae be the one to make y’ a woman - “

“It was bad,” you manage, throat dry, gaze on the opposite wall. The slick noise behind you stops and you can only hear the sound of his breathing. His scrutiny of you on the back of your skull pulling you down. You don’t know why you’re saying this. There is a cliff edge and you want to say you stepped off of it with your next words, but you’re already freefalling, and you’re hoping for the crash into him rather than the cold dirt. “I didn’t know him, I didn’t get off, and I thought about you and how good that you would have made me - “

Half a sentence in and he sinks in, cock splitting you open. He groans, loud and shameful as you whine, thigh kicking until he stills it, pushing down to get further into you, It may as well have been your first time, it takes a few shallow thrusts and Johnny reaching down to rub at your clit to ease the way before he manages to get balls deep into you.

“Oh fuck,” you wheeze, full. At capacity. You can’t think beyond the stretch of yourself around Johnny, air knocked out as he pushes more weight onto you.

“Fuck, this fuckin’ cunt,” he groans. Hands smooth over your arse, spreading your cheeks to better view what he’s doing to you. “Knew ye would be so good, dreamed ae this - ah - you just wanted tae deny yerself. Don’t worry, angel, I’ll give ye what ye need.”

Then it starts, the pulling out just bottom out again, fast and hard and any air you manage to suck in is immediately shot out.

Your head lolls to the side, you think you might be drooling onto your sheets, but can barely find it in you to care. His balls slap against your swollen clit, so loud and yet you cannot remember why you should care about that beyond getting him to keep doing that. You realise that your muttering please, over and over again, not even aware of it.

He shifts to the side, and suddenly his thrusts are deliberate, and you tense up even more. No pause, no grinding out, you come and he keeps going, grunts as you tighten up and spasm, sobbing into your sheets.

It’s like a point is being hammered into you. You suspect if you hadn’t admitted that you didn’t come with the other guy, then Johnny wouldn’t have given a shit. But this is purposeful, a lesson being taught until only the whites of your eyes are showing. It always did so many times for you to take a telling, Johnny coos in your ear. Thank god he’s here, he’s got you.

He comes with a groan, mouth hot against the back of your neck as he mouths at your nape, teeth a little bit too sharp for your liking. Damning, feeling his cum in you. No part of you, untouched.

//

You want to say it gets worse from this point again. You think that it has actually just always been the same level of awful, the scale has just broadened.

Johnny tells everyone that you’re engaged after you let him cum in you again. There’s not even an engagement ring. Spitting in anger at your future being decided for you again, Johnny interprets this as you being upset he didn’t take you ring shopping. Drags you to the bathroom and fucks you on the sink with your ankles over his shoulders.

It’s relentless. There is a hairline fracture along the tender tissue of your brain and Johnny has pried it open to fit himself, crawled in and made himself at home.

He tells you that you were made for him. That he had came first, that he had wished for you and you were delivered to him. Guides your hand to his ribcage, tells you there is one missing. “Would give that an’ mare,” he vows, hands swallowing up the arch of your torso, a perfect ring made with the circle of his hands.

He’ll probably marry you the next time he’s back. He can barely be held back from it just now, that leash he places in your hand even if he yanks so hard that the control is all just for show. Just another link between the two of you, his neck yanked back to you up at you.

He sleeps in your childhood bed, muscular arm a band around your waist. There’s a version of you in the corner. She’s still weeping and now only you know. A tear against Johnny’s shoulder and he shuffles closer, tucking you under his chin. “Ave got ye, angel,” he slurs, half-asleep.

You feel restricted, unable to move. And it soothes you to sleep.

//

(Johnny begs you to suck him off just before he leaves for his next deployment. His come tastes bitter as you swallow. Go figure.)

[cosmicpuzzle]

6th Lord in Houses ✔️

1st House: You are a complicated and a very self-critical person, with more tendency to see the flaws in life than the good. Possibly you suffer from some health-related problems on and off, due to accumulation of different dysfunctions in the physiology or mind. You might pay great attention to health-related diets or activities, and quite possibly you might have a career connected to the medical field. Due to misunderstandings and other complications, you might have a hard time keeping your reputation clear and therefore meet with several obstacles.

2nd House: You can be quite economical because your critical mind is very aware of the fluctuation or accumulations of resources in your life. Therefore, you pay great detailed attention and interest to your work, and you will, with such diligence, accumulate substantial income. Beware of expressing yourself in an irritated way and try to eat healthy food.

3rd House: Negative self-criticism, irritation and lack of hope may hold back on your initiative to act for the fulfillment of your desires. The fact that you are more aware of the limitations that the possibilities take away from you the courage needed to forge ahead and succeed. You may fall into the trap of being constantly irritated and quarrelsome. If you have any siblings, you probably don't get along with them.

4th House: Your need for comfort and inner security is often threatened by irritable self-criticism that you bring onto yourself. Your self image may be distorted and weak and therefore it appears hard for you be content and comfortable with yourself. Gains like a good educational degree, real estate or land seem hard for you to come by. Your relationship with your mother may be annoying and irritable.

5th House: Your mind is often restless and irritable in particular when you find that you can't access the learning or information that you seek. You may pay more attention to what's wrong than what goes right. Your finances constantly fluctuate, and you may have a hard time relating to your children.

6th House: You have a good ability to survive obstacles and overcome oppression. Any competitor or enemy has to keep a close eye on you, but in the end you are the one who is likely to overcome his/her opponents. You have a good sense of service and you might dwell into some medical field in order to help your fellow human beings.

7th House: Frequently you may find yourself in an unnecessary argument with your spouse, something that started as an irritation but escalated into a fight. And even if you hide your irritation, it may subliminally get transmitted to your spouse giving rise to a new irritation. Your spouse may actually suffer from some health ailments and may also have a hard time in financial management. Your own health can be weak as well.

8th House: You may often be frustrated because you cannot get what you want. Then again, what you want may not be in your reach at all. It might be another person's property. Mentally you are often vulnerable to annoying irritation. Maybe you should try to be of service to others by finding solutions for previously unsolved problems and putting the pieces together. Your mind has a critical faculty that could possibly be used to research, exploring and uncovering things.

9th House: You may feel frustrated when you pursue a higher education, and you may feel unjustly criticized by your teacher. Gaining higher education may be a source of suffering for you, and the same applies to religious studies, philosophy and ethics. If you are service oriented, you will in time acquire contentment and comfort.

10th House:You use your critical mind quite a bit to succeed in your career. It may need hard work and a lapse of time but in the end you will succeed in creating professional reputation for yourself. You will still have a good deal of opponents, competitors and critics who may disturb the process of success, but you are likely to overcome them.

11th House: You may find that many of the opportunities you have for gaining resources is through your opponents or competitors. Surprising as it may seem you are likely to earn well through these avenues. Other opportunities might actually have more obstacles for you. Your older sibling may be your rival, or your relationship may be characterized with rivalry. Your children may have health problems.

12th House: There is a possibility that you have hidden rivals or enemies that work against you without you knowing. You may also experience a hopeless irritation often without knowing why or where it is coming from. In order to escape this vicious circle, you may find that selfless service to those in need will give you more than you bargained for.

For Readings DM

[eileen-crys]

AI DISTURBANCE "OVERLAYS" DO NOT WORK!

To all the artists and folks who want to protect their art against AI mimicry: all the "AI disturbance" overlays that are circulating online lately DON'T WORK!

Glaze's disturbance (and now the Ibis Paint premium feature, apparently. Not sure.) modifies the image on a code-level, it's not just an overlayed effect but it actually affects the image's data so AI can't really detect and interpret the code within the image. From the Glaze website:

Can't you just apply some filter, compression, blurring, or add some noise to the image to destroy image cloaks? As counterintuitive as this may be, the high level answer is that no simple tools work to destroy the perturbation of these image cloaks. To make sense of this, it helps to first understand that cloaking does not use high-intensity pixels, or rely on bright patterns to distort the image. It is a precisely computed combination of a number of pixels that do not easily stand out to the human eye, but can produce distortion in the AI's “eye.” In our work, we have performed extensive tests showing how robust cloaking is to things like image compression and distortion/noise/masking injection. Another way to think about this is that the cloak is not some brittle watermark that is either seen or not seen. It is a transformation of the image in a dimension that humans do not perceive, but very much in the dimensions that the deep learning model perceive these images. So transformations that rotate, blur, change resolution, crop, etc, do not affect the cloak, just like the same way those operations would not change your perception of what makes a Van Gogh painting "Van Gogh."

Anyone can request a WebGlaze account for FREE, just send an Email or a DM to the official Glaze Project accounts on X and Instagram, they reply within a few days. Be sure to provide a link to your art acc (anywhere) so they know you're an artist.

Please don't be fooled by those colorful and bright overlays to just download and put on your art: it won't work against AI training. Protect your art with REAL Glaze please 🙏🏻 WebGlaze is SUPER FAST, you upload the artwork and they send it back to you within five minutes, and the effect is barely visible!

Official Glaze Project website | Glaze FAQs | about WebGlaze

[txttletale]

what's your opinion on softwares that apply a filter to art, making it look normal to humans but distorted to AI image scrapers? (this isn't a comment on your other posts about genAI, I agree with you for the most part)

dont work never have

[asaedw]

When reader and Shidou have beef cus she wants to make Sae all hers and feels a bit jealous when Shidou flirts w/ him + also cus of rumors and shippers! (Sae x reader, mostly sfw no smut)

Read our PINKLOCK series here!

🪷This is a little fic describing how I think Sae would react after you show jealousy. I wrote it because I personally don’t ship ryusae and don’t like it. I imagine fighting shidou in my DR but let’s just leave it there. I can name a few reasons why I don’t like ryusae but that’s irrelevant. Reader is sassy and a little insecure here. (Just for personality!) not proofread.

🪷Wc: 2,752 words.

“Don’t get too close to that freak.” You thrust a finger in Saes face.

He simply sighs in annoyance and throws the duffel bag’s straps over his shoulder. You trust Sae. It’s easy to see that he doesn’t want much to do with Shidou.

Now you’re regretting telling Sae that you’re not the jealous type on a date recently. Even you didn’t expect to feel so exude such possessive behaviors when you see the way shidou interacts with him. You keep tabs on the zesty demon just to be sure. After the U20 in 2021, you know you can’t trust him alone with Sae.

Your presence needs to be known, however. Although, you and Sae keep your relationship secret for privacy purposes, you now consider spilling your secret to Shidou.

So you stand in the hallway behind the field with erect posture, you eyes scan the locker rooms thoroughly before you pass. Despite having a VIP pass, you find it better to sit in the popular seats to avoid unwanted attention. The match is going to start, so you quicken your pace and make it to your seat.

You watch the match closely, the stadium cheers his name. Sae strikes goal after goal and you hate the gut-wrenching fact that they make a good team. Sae and Shidou. People notice it, fans ship it and you fucking despise it.

After ninety minutes and an additional time, the stadium erupts in loud cheers for the winning team. The one with Sae in it, obviously. You push yourself through the leaving audience and make your way to the restroom.

You place your purse down beside the sink. You look into the eyes opposite to you and realize…

You need to darken your lipstick.

The dark shade of blood red coats your lips now as you apply your tint. It really makes you stand out and you know it. You adjust your navy blue backless dress. You know Sae loves it backless.

Right now… he might be seeing another back.

You let the fleeting thought slide, nodding your head. After some freshening up, you walk back out. The quick image of Sae and Shidou inside of a locker room strikes you from your peripheral vision as the door closes slowly. Despite your abusing your VIP privileges, you can’t walk in when the team players are inside.

So, you sat outside on a bench. The earlier voices from the stadium now completely fade and give way to anxious thoughts.

They’re just rumors, they’re just rumors…

You reassure yourself. Until…

A bunch of guys walk out of the locker room, now with bottles of water and all carrying their sport bags. Laughter erupts amongst them paired with chatter, their words too distorted to make out the topic. Then, Sae walks out, still sweating beneath his jersey. Sae being accompanied by another sweaty player with blond hair and pink tips.

You curse under your breath at the sight of his hand around Sae’s shoulder. You smile and Sae, awkwardly almost. He makes his way to you and so does Shidou.

“I got you water.” You hand him a cold thermos.

“We already freshened up.” Shidou grins cockily. He’s already read your emotions. It makes your blood boil that he can read you like that.

“This is colder.” You remark with a sarcastic smile. His grin only widens. Rage seeps under your skin at his pearly white teeth.

You look back at Sae and notice a hint of mischief in his eyes.

“Don’t take everything this horny demon says seriously.” He reassures, “,or anything.” He completes after a pause.

I nod.

“Why’d his dick get hard with me then?” The roach arrogantly scratches his scalp with a finger. You are filled with a sudden and aggressive urge to wipe the ugly smirk off his face.

“Maybe don’t flirt or talk with my man.” You argue, your protest comes out weak. You feel your ego at edge when you realize the insecurity lingering in your words. And he does too.

“Oh? He gave me his number first.” He giggles. You clench your purse, visualizing his guts falling out.

“Y/n,” Sae snaps you back to reality. “Let’s go.” He chugs down the water.

“Yeah, you should go before the girl explodes, he face is red like she’s going to cry.” Shidou coos condescendingly.

Sae wraps an arm around your waist, turning to leave. His driver must already be here. You soften under the warm touch of his fingertips gliding against your back.

“Sorry, Sae,” you quickly regain your composure, “I totally overreacted.”

“You didn’t.”

His simple words put you to ease. Despite the anger still lingering from earlier, it begins to set and you feel yourself distancing yourself from the experience. You consider going home peacefully and without a fight. Until Shidou decides to open his mouth once more.

“Don’t forget to call me, darling.” He yells from behind somewhere.

No he did not just.

You stop in your tracks and so does Sae. You can see the disappointment setting in his face as Shidous’ giggling echoes throughout the short corridor.

Your turn and begin to walk toward him. You mind goes blurry and you walk with purpose despite having no clear intention.

“Who you calling ‘darling’?”

“Y/n,” Sae calls out as he follows behind, putting his bag down, “he’s just trying to get a reaction out of you.”

“Tell me who the fuck you’re calling.” You yell in his face, spitting venom at Shidou. He grins a little more, satisfied to see you all riled up. He’s probably getting off on it too.

You turn to face Sae, expecitimg him to do something. He stands there looking at you with a blank expression, defeat dawning on his features.

“You’re not calling anyone, give me your phone.” You thrust a hand forward, palm up, “right now.”

He complies.

“That’s not stopping me from trying to have your boyfriend.” He rubs his palms together deviously whilst licking his lips.

You swear your eye twitches. You turn to him one last time.

“Let me show you something.”

His smirk almost falters as you catch his attention. He watches you approach Sae curiously.

Sae realeases a long breath and you hear him mutter something unintelligible under his breath. You approach him however, making sure Shidous eyes stay on you. The hem of his shirt slips between your index and middle finger and you slowly begin to lift his shirt. You lift Sae’s shirt over a shoulder so that a nipple is left exposed.

“You had the chance and the time to have this three years more than I did.” You begin to speak.

You can see a vein popping at Shidous neck, his grin remains plastered on his face. You are determined to wipe it off, and even have him shed a tear.

“But you didn’t.” You notice a flush appearing on Sae’s face. He tries to stop you but you flush his words with your next move.

You bend at the waist, licking at the beads of sweat that rolled down his abs. Shidou’s fingers curl into a fist. But you weren’t done yet. You go lower. Almost sitting on the floor, lower. And then dangerously low. You lick the sweat that lined his V-line, moving your tongue lower and lower till you reach the waistband of his shorts where you plant firm kisses. You feel Sae wince under your tongue but you realize that he isn’t resisting either.

He’s enjoying this side of you.

You stand back up, and straighten your posture looking at Shidous condescendingly.

“What does that say about you?” You ask rhetorically, a proud smirk now finding it’s way on your lips.

And with that, Shidous grin turns into a snarl. “Fuck you.” He spits. A defeated chuckle still finds its way in his sentence.

You look at the smudges of you signature lipstick, always the dark blackberry pigment that now was tattooed on Sae’s crotch. You tilt your head, admiring the artwork.

You let his shirt down finally. And you notice him staring at you intently. Shidous reaction was no short of amusing. That cocky smile now ceased to exist as his glared at you. He could only accept that you had marked Sae. That he belongs to you.

He walked away, hands in pockets trying to be nonchalant about it. But the steaming almost because visible at his ears in a cartoonish way.

“Way to handle that, bebé.” Sae’s voice comes out almost breathy.

I’m sure Shidou will keep some if not too much distance from him now. He picks up the bag, his arm around you once more. You walk to your car side by side.

“Love it when you call me that.”

He brings his lips to your ear. “I’ll call you what you like. I’m all yours.”

The confirmation calms you a little. He seems amused by the whole situation. And you have a feeling he’s going to get back at you when you reach your shared hotel for the night.

“Yes you fucking are.” You let your posessiveness on full display. “And you can have your phone back. I have a feeling he won’t be calling.”

“You sure you don’t wanna keep it in case someone else calls?” He teases as he opens the car door for you and follows you into the limo.

You chuckle. “Then I’ll have to get creative.”

“Hmph.”

“What is it?”

“So ‘not the jealous type.’”

“Shut up.” You lightly smack him on the arm, plugging in your headphones quickly right after. You don’t wanna hear any more teasing from him.

You head him mutter something in Spanish before you completely drown in your music. Something along the lines of,

“Eres tan jodidamente hermosa, cariño.”

[darkroom-fanzine]

[And the curtain opens...!]

[Image Description: a black and white banner gif showing Siffrin from In Stars And Time as he wanders through the third floor of the House. He is posed in the center of the image, faced to his left (viewer's right) as if moving in that direction. Behind him are four trailing repetitions of his image, each one losing opacity as they get further away, with a final fifth one having its values inverted, appearing instead as Mal Du Pays. Floating around them are six polaroid photographs, the first covering up the right half of Siffrin's face, showing instead a values inversion of it within its borders, their expression blank. Beyond that in order from closest to Siffrin to farthest away, the polaroids show Mirabelle, Isabeau, Odile, Bonnie, and one that is indistinguishable, all members of the party with their faces distorted out, while the last one is distorted beyond a potential for recognition. On the other side of Siffrin, to his left, is a flash-like burst evocative of a camera flash or a star (much like Loop's head), partially hidden over by Siffrin's shadow. Around the brick walls in the background and partially growing over the bottom left of the foreground can be seen the King's hair, and in the bottom right is text reading: "Darkroom | an ISAT Fanzine". The entire thing has been animated to look as if the lines around Siffrin, their shadows, and all the distortions over the polaroids are boiling, while light shines off from around the flash/star. End ID.]

[Hello, stardust~! How can I help you on this wonderful new loop?]

Welcome, everyone! This is the blog for the upcoming project, "Darkroom: an ISAT Fanzine". We are excited to finally announce our beginnings, and hope you will stick around to see what it is we have to offer!

Firstly, let us introduce ourselves. The mod team for this fanzine comprises of myself (@actingwithportals), as well as @voidedtea, @publiccmenace, @astrangeavenue, @sundimus, and @plasticteabag. Between the six of us, we have experience as leads, co-leads, moderators, and contributors on four individual fanzine projects, and are all excited to begin work on something new!

Now, let's get to the fun part, shall we?

[Darkroom: Negative Space, Long Exposure, Afterimage.]

The theming for this fanzine centers around the idea of distortions, how they obscure what we see and perceive, and how they can bring to light an entirely new perspective hidden behind the more easily comprehensible. In Stars And Time shows us throughout Siffrin's loops how the order of a carefully curated script can bring about a chaotic mental state, and how the chaotic breaking down of these self-imposed walls can bring about the order of accepting vulnerability.

Change is often destruction, and in the midst of that destruction can be found something beautiful, something to live for. This is the idea we hope to present through this fanzine.

[Fanzine Content.]

The Darkroom Fanzine will be a multi-media culmination of fanworks created by fans, for fans, and available for free download on Itch.io. Creations can vary anywhere from art, to writing, to music, to essays, to crafts, to whatever you can think of that you would like to see included in this project!

The only restrictions we will be enforcing is content that lies outside of the existing rating for the game, meaning no 18+ subject material.

However new you are to your Craft—whether it be writing, art, edits, collages, or anything beyond—your skills are welcomed here. From beginners to professionals, all are encouraged to apply! Once we hit an internally agreed upper limit of participants, we will lock the sign-up form should that limit be reached before the end date of the sign-ups occurs.

[Interest Checks.]

To kick this off, we are opening an interest check form to gauge interest for this project. The form will remain open from January 23rd through February 22nd, upon which the following day (February 23rd) the sign-up form will go live.

[Curtain Call.]

Thank you all for taking the time to read this far, and if you have any further questions/inquiries/concerns about this project, our askbox is open! Relatedly, you can also shoot us an email at darkroom.fanzine@gmail.com.

INTEREST CHECK FORM HERE.

[See you under the Favor Tree soon, stardust~ ✨]

[morebagels]

^ iterator projection tutorial!! ^

this post follows on from this one made by @prismsoup, intended to cover my slightly more extended process (including post-processing)

step -1 : pre-requisites

this tutorial is designed around clip studio paint for PC because its what i work with. its probable that whatever other program / platform you're using has these features but under different names

i use a rainworld typography font for text. find it here (or do it yourself)

i use scanline textures as a part of this. find them here

step 0 : select a base image

maps, blueprints and diagrams are favourable due to lots of detail without it derailing into noise. get experimental though, my favourite one came out from a picture of a nebula, and another from a friends factorio screenshot

step 1 : binarise & flip

this command can be found under edit > tonal correction (D) > binarization. this forces every pixel in the image to be either black or white. adjust its sensitivity to your liking

step 2 : remove background

add in a black layer below (not just paper layer, as will become important later). wand select the background colour and delete it. if the remaining colour is black, CTRL+I to invert it to white

step 3 : add details

replace any text with rainworld font or simply remove it. add in blueprints or other complex decals (drawingdatabase is a decent source). during importing remember to binarise (after resizing). for "lower layer" elements such as contour lines create outlines for higher layers to retain clarity

step 4 : add multiply layer(s)

if you want to have multiple colours, put everything in the "higher" layer into a folder and set the top multiply to clipping above it

step 6 : post processing setup

copy all existing layers, create a new folder on top, and paste into that folder. right click the folder and "merge selected layers" set the resultant layer to add(glow). copy+paste and hide duplicate for now. from filters > blur apply a guassian blur with a strength of 130-170 (this creates the base bloom layer). set opacity to ~50%

step 7 : chromatic abberation

unhide not-blurred layer. guassian blur with a strength of 2. duplicate again. select top layer and move 1px up and 1px left (with arrow keys). CTRL+U then change the hue by 30. select bottom layer and move 1px down and 1px right, CTRL+U then change hue by -30.

stronger chromatic abberation can come from stronger gaussian blur and more change in hue

step 8 : scanlines

add the scan lines on top, invert so that they're white and set to add(glow). copy a multiply layer over it and make sure clipping is on. decrease layer opacity to ~10%. if it does not cover the whole image initially, paste more in and merge them together into one layer

tada! you now have one iterator projection. if you want to give it an extra affect, re-import the final PNG and filter > distort > convert to panorama. set distortion to 10 and scale to 101 (note that this drastically blurs the image)

[blacktabbygames]

i have a question about the development of the game!

most environments in the game operate on a two-frame animation where it's the same drawing twice but with tiny line deviations; just a subtle art style choice to make the game a bit more lively.

a lot of games and other such things do this, and it certainly adds a lot of life to the frame, but it seems like an incredible amount of work to have to draw every single thing twice instead of once, even if one is just traced over the other - especially with environments with so many intricate details like in slay the princess.

did you use any tricks or programs to make this process faster? or did you just have to draw every single background twice?

Lol. So I actually asked Abby if she could draw 3 versions of every asset when we started on the very first demo, after which she promptly died to avoid taking on that much work. When that was clearly a no-go, I switched to creating a boil effect out of localized distortions in After Effects, and then applied that to each image, creating a short, looping video file. This was *terrible* from a performance perspective, especially with the degree of layering in Slay the Princess — to maintain the parallax effect, many backgrounds have as many as 4 different layers, which all have to be saved as their own images, on top of the Princess when she's present. Playing that many HD video files is very CPU intensive, and the first demo ran terribly because of it. Ultimately we switched to using an openGL shader (which we hired @manuelamalasanya to code — she is so so talented) that mimics the transform I built in After Effects, and we apply that shader to each image within Ren'py. This works better with the engine in general, and it also means the extra work on displaying that effect is done on the GPU instead of the CPU, so the game's more performant.

[jessamine-rose]

˖⋆˚♱ଘ Angel’s Tears ଓ♱˚⋆˖

*cries* I thought I was done with Church AU after Priest! Dottore yet here I am with more unholy ideas. Welp, Guardian Angel! Capitano x Nonbeliever! Darling, here we go (；ω；)

Tw:: yandere, psychological trauma, blood, violence, death, religious abuse, MDNI

Note:: fictional depictions of religion

♡ 3.8k words under the cut ♡

♡ From the moment of their creation, angels are classified into the Nine Orders. This hierarchy determines their roles in Heaven and Earth, with higher ranks assigned greater levels of power and authority. A special exception is The Strongest Angel, an individual who is neither a Seraph nor an angel from the First Sphere. Rather, the moniker belongs to Il Capitano, the leader of the Powers.

♡ The legitimacy of his title has never been questioned. As a warrior angel, Capitano’s purpose is to vanquish evil. He is the chivalrous knight in bloodstained armor, the nigh-invincible being who strikes fear into the hearts of demons, the ever-righteous angel bound by a paradoxical duty to partake in violence for the sake of everlasting peace.

♡ It is in a small town in Mondstadt, following his victory over a legion of demons, that Capitano encounters you. It is the hour of mass yet you are nowhere near the Church; rather, you have taken sanctuary in a secluded meadow. A book sits on your lap, not a religious text but a tale of dark fantasy. There is a saintlike quality to your countenance, an air of melancholy as delicate as the flowers which surround you.

✿ ⚘

The moment Capitano appears before you, all peace leaves the meadow.

No, this isn’t right. It is normal for humans to feel fear in the divine presence of angels, yet he is donning his human guise. Nonetheless, as soon as his shadow touches your form, you look up and suppress a shriek, your face losing its veil of apathy.

So what exactly did he do wrong?

For your benefit, he remains rooted to his spot. Clarity comes in the form of your gaze flitting to your book, its title printed on the cover in conspicuous letters, the whispers which leave trembling lips.

“I…I can explain! This book—it’s just fiction! There are no real curses or spells inscribed in the text; it doesn’t promote any form of blasphemy!”

Ah, now he understands. You weren’t afraid of him.

Carefully, Capitano takes a step forward and raises his hand in a calming gesture. A gentle expression adorns his false face.

“Be not afraid.”

✿ ⚘

♡ It doesn’t take long for him to understand your wariness. A glimpse into your soul, paired with your quiet explanation, tells the story of an orphan raised by the Church. Only, your Church is one of many founded on distorted beliefs, of violence preached in the name of a cruel god. As a result, your upbringing was marked by strict rules, corporal punishments, and sermons which painted the image of a hopeless child with a weakness for temptation.

♡ Knowing this, Capitano can’t fault you for forsaking God and your Church. Still in his human guise, he promises his silence and leaves the meadow. But once he returns to Heaven, his first course of action is to apply for a position as your guardian angel. It is an easy process—while that role is typically reserved for the lower ranks, there is no shortage of humans in need of spiritual guidance and protection. He only questions why an angel wasn’t assigned to you when you were in greatest need of one.

♡ Henceforth, Capitano becomes a recurring character in your life. Every week, he visits you in the meadow. When you ask for his identity, he claims to be a progressive believer from another town. But rather than enlighten you with the true Word of God, he simply keeps you company and indulges your “vices,” leading to hours spent reading together. Beyond those meetings, he also watches over you to ward off any demons or humans seeking to harm you.

♡ From your end, you slowly warm up to your mysterious companion. He is a man of few words, but his actions always convey a sense of kindness. And despite his faith, he genuinely respects your beliefs and accepts you as you are. At one point, he even gives you a special gift, a quill pen of exceptional quality. The feather, pure white with a soft radiance, must have been sourced from a rare bird of prey.

♡ Over time, however, something changes. Capitano can’t deny that the faults lies with him. His visits, his constant thoughts of you, the ever-blurring line between want and duty…nothing of his behavior can be attributed to an angel’s inherent love for humanity. If that were the case, his love wouldn’t beget heartache. His love wouldn’t beget the temptation to harm others, rooted not in the name of justice but for your own safety. His love wouldn’t beget lust, guilt, dishonor, desires so sinfully evocative of his own fallibility.

♡ The truth is, you were never in need of spiritual salvation. From the moment he first laid eyes on you, what Capitano saw was a pure soul—a good person unlikely to commit evil nor fall into true temptation. Moreover, he knows that your sin of disbelief is forgivable unlike your Church’s sins of violence. That so long as you remain as you are, your soul will not be denied paradise, albeit in a realm of Heaven beyond Capitano’s jurisdiction. So why is he incapable of leaving your side?

✿ ⚘

“I had a long, long dream. I dreamed that you and I met again in the pure white world that we created.”

As you read the final line, your gaze leaves the book and returns to Capitano.

“What did you think of the story?”

Your shoulder brushes against his own, a tempting sensation. It is all he can do to remain still, to think against seeking out more of your touch, to remind himself that your close proximity is a mere necessity for your current activity.

The left side of the book, bearing the story’s ending, rests in your left hand. The other side is held in Capitano’s right hand, a blank page devoid of hope for a happy ending. When he turns the page, you seamlessly catch it under your thumb to show the next page.

Who knew of the casual intimacies imbued in the act of reading together?

“It was a well-written novel,” he says simply. “Though her sins tarnished her honor, Rosalyne’s sacrifice was an act of love. Her loss did not hinder her faithfulness to Rostam.”

“I feel the same way,” you muse. “Now I understand why this book was banned centuries ago. Forbidden love between angels and humans…it certainly goes against what the Church taught us about angels. I have to give the author credit for their imagination.”

It’s just the two of you again, this time in the library. At the start of winter, you invited Capitano to your workplace. There, in your greatest show of trust, you brought him to a secret room dedicated to texts banned by the Church for promoting “blasphemy.” Fantasy, erotica, anti-Church publications, first editions of censored books, stories which merely deviated from the Church’s popular depictions of spiritual beings.

Molten Moment belongs to the last category. Little do you know that it was based on a true story, that the author had really formed a pact with a demon called La Signora. Capitano himself is mentioned in the story under his true name.

He was one of the few angels who noticed the changes in Rosalyne’s behavior. She used to be a Throne, an angel with no connection to Earth nor humanity. Yet by some twist of fate, she laid eyes on a brave knight from Mondstadt and began to meet him in her human guise.

He was the first to hear of Rosalyne’s sin, that being she saved Rostam’s life during a battle. It was a direct violation of God’s orders: Angels and demons may influence humans, but they are forbidden from directly altering a human’s lifespan.

He was a silent witness to Rosalyne’s descent. She fell from Heaven, burned by her own flames, yet she had never appeared more ecstatic. In the following years, she married Rostam and lived a happy life with him on Earth.

He was the last to recognize Rostam’s soul at the pearly gates, forever separated from his fallen lover. Such had been Rosalyne’s divine punishment, worsened by her knowledge of this possibility. But what else was she to do? To let Rostam know of her true nature? To drag his soul down to Hell, where he’d be subjected to an eternity of undeserved suffering?

Capitano is no fool. As he read Molten Moment, he began to understand Rosalyne’s sin in a new light. Half the time, he couldn’t even concentrate on the text, his human eyes repeatedly drifting to your intense reading expression.

He closes the book, leaving it in your sole grasp. But before he can stand up from the sofa, you scoot closer and lean your weight on him. The book is placed on a nearby table, forgotten.

“Do you mind?” you whisper. Your right hand, empty since the prologue, traces his left hand.

A moment of silence precedes his response. “You may.”

Wordlessly, you take his hand and intertwine your fingers. A gesture of intimacy, an unspoken confession. Yet as he savors your touch, Capitano wonders if you would harbor the same level of comfort around his true form.

He doubts it. As a Power, he bears an inhuman appearance on par with that of his superiors. It is his true image which has earned him the title of monster by witnessing humans.

Still, he allows himself to indulge in the blessing that is your oblivion. When you look into his two human eyes, there is a soft light in your gaze wholly free of fear.

“Spring is coming soon,” you mutter. “I can’t wait to see the flowers again. Come to think of it, there’s a variety of narcissus which grows only in late spring. It’s very pretty.”

Against his better judgment, Capitano strengthens his grip on your hand. “Shall I take it as an invitation to resume our meetings in the meadow?”

“Sure.” That is when you look up, a small smile adorning your face. “And if you can’t visit for whatever reason, I’ll pick a bouquet and preserve it for you.”

For once, Capitano is rendered speechless.

Rarely do you ever smile. Even to him, you retain your listless disposition—whether it is out of habit or lingering distance, he has yet to discern your reasons. But that is what makes it all the more special, those few instances when he is beholden to your expressions.

He wonders if this is what humans feel in the divine presence of angels, when they are borne witness to all things holy and beautiful.

Your smile is a phenomenon reserved only for the worthiest of souls. And in your grace, he has never felt more undeserving.

✿ ⚘

♡ At the end of winter, a religious war is authorized by the Church of Mondstadt. Shortly after the news reaches your town, Capitano informs you that he will be busy with “work.” He says it during another reading date, featuring Heart of Clear Springs. Before leaving, he kisses your hand and gives you a kind smile. There is a sad look in his eyes, but you don’t inquire further.

♡ In late spring, your town is attacked. With the entire area under fire, from your home to the meadow, you find yourself running back to the sacred building which you’d avoided for years. After all, though the enemy soldiers belong to a different denomination, they still worship the same god as you. In the present, the church is the only place on Earth where you can claim asylum and pray for your survival.

♡ Except every entrance is locked, including the doors to the orphanage. As the army reaches the town square, all you can do is bang on the front doors and beg to be let in. From inside, you can hear the voices of the people that luckily attended mass before the invasion. Some tell you to hide elsewhere, others beg you for forgiveness, a few sound like the nuns and caretakers who tormented you in the past.

♡ Before you can think of another sanctuary, a soldier strikes you. Pain…it has never felt more intense. Through your fading consciousness, you register your body falling and your head hitting the concrete. Blood pools from your forehead and trickles down the steps of the church, tainting it red.

♡ Life flashes before your eyes in a blurry sequence. The static images of God, sermons and bruises, unanswered prayers, people who never believed you or simply didn’t care. A birthday celebrated with your departure from the Church. Sanctuary found in the library followed by the meadow. Yet the numbness remained, each day bleeding into the next in a gloomy haze. In all those years, did you ever feel God’s love?

♡ It doesn’t matter at this point. A small part of you wonders if you should have retained your faith, continued your prayers, sought out salvation in the safety of your solitude. At least then, at the hour of your death, you wouldn’t be confronted with the fact of your humanity. The primal fear of death, the spiritual fear of ending up in Hell no matter Capitano’s reassurances.

♡ Capitano…where is he? Weakly, you call out to him but he doesn’t appear. Of course, why would he? You should feel thankful; it means he is probably safe, wherever he is. Still, you can’t help but wish he were here—if not to save you, as he has done by simply keeping you company, but to comfort you one last time. And those are the thoughts which plague you in your final moments, an unheard prayer on the tip of your tongue.

“I pray that we meet again, myself and the first person who truly loved me.”

♡ ______ died on a cloudy day, one of many people persecuted in the name of God. After the Church was destroyed and its followers slaughtered, their body was buried in a mass grave that once flourished with nature. There was a poignant quality to their countenance, an air of distress as transient as the flowers planted above them.

♡ At least, that is how your story ends from the perspectives of the survivors. But to the angels and demons who witnessed the destruction of your town, your death was only the end of a chapter in your life. In their eyes, Capitano had been present all throughout, an invisible witness to your death, absolute in his refusal to perform an unauthorized miracle.

♡ He remained by your side until the light faded from your eyes. That was when he took notice of the bouquet of narcissus clutched in your hand, tainted with blood despite your feeble efforts to save his gift. A soldier approached your corpse, intending to drag it down the steps for burial; but before they could touch you, Capitano appeared before them.

♡ It was only for a brief second, but the soldier drew back and cowered in fear. In the following days, they were haunted by the memory of the angelic figure who appeared outside the Church of Mondstadt. Or more precisely, the monster who prayed over a bloodstained corpse and took a bouquet of ruined flowers out of their grasp.

✿ ⚘

From the moment you wake up, all peace leaves the meadow.

What happened? Your memory comes back in hazy fragments—death, darkness, blinding light, pearly gates, ethereal figures. Most vivid is the sensation of strong arms and soft feathers, a familiar warmth which accompanied you throughout your journey.

As for your current surroundings, you are in a meadow so beautiful that it brings to mind the Garden of Eden. Flowers of every variety bloom across the scenery, some out of season. The sky is bright, sunless, a canvas of multiple colors. There are no other signs of life.

Internally, too, something feels off. A nearby pond provides a glimpse of your reflection—white garments, gold scars in place of your fatal injuries, your disoriented countenance. If this place is what you think it is…shouldn’t you feel at peace, happy even? And why are you alone?

Your gaze lands on a patch of flowers. Pure white, perianth petals, cup-shaped coronas…the same type of narcissus which grew in your favorite meadow. The flowers point in different directions, as though searching for a sun that does not exist.

“You are awake.”

A shadow touches your form, engulfing you in darkness. It bears a large, unrecognizable shape but such details evade you as you recognize the voice behind you.

“Capitano!” Immediately, you turn around, only to gasp and suppress a scream.

The person before you…can you even call him human? He is incredibly tall, to the point that you must crane your neck to see his face—assuming there is one beneath his iron mask. His body is clad in silver armor, stained blood in some places. A halo, shaped like a crown of thorns, shines behind his head.

But what shocks you are his wings. A single pair covered in radiant white feathers and eerily dark blue eyes. Each eye seems to glow with an uncanny aura.

Dark blue eyes with a striking resemblance to Capitano’s. What more for his long black hair and his solemn manner of speaking?

It doesn’t make your revelation any less unsettling.

“Capitano.” Your voice comes out in a nervous whisper. “Is it really you? You’re a…”

“An angel,” he confesses. He takes a step back, widening the distance between your bodies. “I ask that you pardon my appearance. Such was my sacrifice—for my true form, in all of its monstrosity, to be my sole image.”

His human face comes to mind, along with the kind gaze you fell in love with.

You feel the weight of multiple gazes on you. “What do you mean?”

“Is this realm to your satisfaction?” he asks. “I beseeched God to create a special paradise for you, cut off from the rest of Heaven. The price is that your capacity to feel negative emotions remains in this realm…though that is preferable.”

Preferable? How so? Right now, you can barely process what he is telling you. You are dead. Your companion is an angel. Your soul is in paradise, but not exactly.

After everything you’ve been through, you were still deemed worthy of a place in Heaven.

“I am sorry.”

Capitano’s voice brings you back to reality. He has never sounded more serious, emotional, repentant. And when you look up…

Is he crying?

Most of his eyes remain open, focusing on you with a fervent stare. But others are downcast, as if unable to face you. And a few appear glossy, blinking back iridescent tears.

“I am truly sorry.” He bows his head in shame, wings folded. “What I did to you was cruel, an absolute injustice.”

You don’t know which eyes to make contact with. “You—”

“It must have been painful,” he continues. “Even if I were to justify my actions, the truth lies in the fact that I tolerated your suffering for my own selfish desires. And that is why I ask not for your forgiveness, knowing I am the one at fault.”

Silence. In light of Capitano’s confession, all you can do is stare at him and comprehend the weight of your situation. What exactly are you supposed to feel, knowing his betrayal? Knowing that regardless of your feelings, you have nowhere else to go in the afterlife?

Yet despite it all, your prayer came true. The two of you were able to meet again.

And that is what compels you to take a step forward, to come closer until you are standing in front of him. “Hey, it’s…don’t cry.”

A delicate sensation blesses his wings—your hands carefully tracing his feathers to wipe away his tears. Several eyes widen in surprise, but all he can see in your gaze is sympathy.

“I’ll admit, it was painful,” you tell him. “Dying alone. But maybe it’s…better this way. If I survived, I’d have to deal with the loss of my home. And who knows what kind of living hell the other Church would’ve put me through?”

Above all, Capitano is the only person whose love you can believe in.

Hesitantly, you take his hand and intertwine your fingers. The next words to leave your lips are spoken with certainty, bringing fresh tears to his eyes.

“I’m sure it was an act of love on your part.”

His reaction is sudden, incurring your surprise. But all you can do is surrender to Capitano’s embrace, allow his free arm to hold your waist and pull you closer to him. His wings wrap around you, caging you in soft feathers and eerie blue orbs.

“Capitano?” You can only look up at him, peering into the contents of his mask.

…It’s like staring into an abyss, a night sky dotted with twinkling blue stars. But in the absence of a human likeness, his words express what a face cannot.

“Never again,” he vows, “shall I allow harm to befall you. That is a promise.”

The hand on your waist moves upwards to caress your face. His touch is light, more hesitant than his previous gestures.

“You need not serve God nor partake in fruitful labor like the other souls in Heaven. All I ask is that you rest, indulge yourself, enjoy this paradise to the fullest.”

A flower is pinned to his armor, right above his heart. You recognize it instantly—a narcissus in full bloom, stained with your blood.

“If you desire a flower, it shall grow at once. If there are any books you would like to read, they shall be brought to you shortly.”

What was the name of that variety again? Narcissus triandrus. Angel’s tears.

“If you are in need of my presence, I shall appear before you, so long as I am not in the midst of battle. And should you ever desire the opposite, I can promise my distance.”

When Capitano looks into your eyes, all he can see is his own reflection. Whatever emotion colors your gaze, it casts his true image in a compassionate light.

“I shall do everything in my power to bring you joy for all of eternity. Such will be my penance.”

“...All right.” With that, you close your eyes and lean into his touch. He feels warm, comfortingly familiar. “I’ll trust you on that.”

Rest in peace, ______.

Think not of your mortal body in the beginning stages of decay.

Think not of your tormentors who are paying for their sins in Hell.

Think only of eternity with your beloved savior.

♡

More Church AU here!! Dottore ๑ Arlecchino ๑ Pantalone ๑ Pierro ๑ Dainsleif

Note:: Please do not send me any Church AU asks/ requests involving other characters or dynamics who are not listed in my masterlist.

Aahhhh it's done....this idea turned out much heavier than expected, but I'm glad that I was able to write this!! I hope you all cried over enjoyed the story of Angel! Capitano and his damsel. They were truly a delight to write for~

Tag a Capitano enjoyer!! @diodellet @navxry @leftdestiny-posts @beloved-blaiddyd @bye-bye-sunbird @yandere-romanticaa @harmonysanreads @mochinon-yah @oofasleep @micchikari @whispereons @thescribeoflostmemories

[punkpandapatrixk]

Full Worm Moon in Virgo ♦︎ Moon Magick Pick A Card

Behold—the last Full Moon of the aenergetic year 2024🥎🎲🍑The Full Worm Moon in Virgo on 14 March enters the axis of 'love and sacrifice' (Virgo) and 'self-undoing' (Pisces). It's also a total lunar eclipse! It's also accompanied by Uranus transiting Taurus, which has been shouting to me: FOOD🍡FOOD🍭FOOD🍢

Virgo being the ruler of the 6H actually talks a lot about our relationship with food and how that affects our sense of body image. Since it's ruled by Mercury—the planet of short-term thinking—there's something in the air with this FM that nudges us to rethink our eating and exercising habits. You may inexplicably, or intuitively, feel an urge towards moving your body more, eating more cleanly or lightly, or even meditating and resting more🧘‍♀️

Virgo is also a sign that's all about Mortal Femininity (I dunno if that's a good enough term to describe the opposite of Divine Femininity (Pisces)) so this Full Moon also carries a theme revolving our girlhood👒Some of us may be experiencing a pull towards nostalgia what would in turn help us redefine our sense of girlhood outside of what the patriarchy has defined for us🤢In turn, feeling more comfortable in our own expression of the Self.

'Can't a pretty girl be cringe in peace?!'🤣

This FM in Virgo as the true last Full Moon of the 2024 aenergetic year is inviting us to prepare our bodies and minds for a healthy, productive and abundant aenergetic year of 2025!🍾Take care of your body in all of its feminine glory. Return to a feeling of being 'safe in your own skin' as a liberated being💐

With this Mercury aenergy—Virgo’s ruling planet—affirm to yourself:

I THINK, THEREFORE, I AM. ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱‧₊˚

reconnect: Gentle Ballet Body Warmup | Everyday Ballet

redefine: ★Supernatural Feminine Beauty & Charm Enhancement★ | Quadible Integrity

deck-bottom: 9 of Swords Rx, Priestess of Success, Red Astrologer (William Lilly)

[Moon PAC Masterlist] [Patreon] [Paid Readings]

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 1 – First of All, My God, I Come First

redefining my girlhood – VI The Lovers Rx

Yo, in your case, I feel it was your 'immediate environment' or 'family members' who gave you a distorted view of what your girlhood was allowed to be. Maybe you grew up in a culture where women are very much oppressed, suppressed, or perhaps it was something to do with religion™️. Some of you may have allowed those views to rule over your mind but deep down, being the intelligent one that you are, you always knew you wanted, and are meant for, more! There was always a rebel inside who thought up more colours and expressions than what was allowed...💖

At any rate, I see that you've fought for the liberation of your mind, for the most part. Your Destiny is changing, babe. The script is flippin' is what's going on. Maybe you're at an age near your First Saturn Return, in it, or just about to get out of it. You've begun to get really clear about what your girlhood is supposed to look like and you're going to prioritise your own aesthetics, ideas and career choices! Some of you may resonate with getting clearer about what you want out of marriage as well~🎎

Or, getting really clear that you don't want to be married~🎈

self-empathy – 3 of Cups Rx

That being said, this FM seems to also be inviting you to cut off people whose influences aren't serving your highest good. If not 'cut off' at least limit your interactions with them. This seems to apply to social media content and the kinds of information you consume both online and offline, too. Any substance, mindset, way of thinking, idea, or logic that doesn't serve your feeling authentic and 'safe in your own skin and mind' needs to be limited, to such a degree that it can eventually be eliminated from your Reality✂️

Sooner than later, you'll see just how much you've developed a courage to be happy just by yourself. This FM will culminate an awareness deep within your psyche of just how important it is to have the ability to enjoy your own company, first and foremost, in your small globule of inner world; to feel happy and content with oneself, at least for the time being, before you are reunited with your Soul Tribe🪆Everybody always meets their Soul Tribe in the end~✨

service to the One and All – 4 of Pentacles Rx

Moving forward, I see that you're going to feel financially more abundant as well. From this elevated sense of freedom and self-love, you're going to share in good times with people who are actually good for you. People who do actually wish well for you, for whom you feel the same. Even some of you who really don't have anybody about you will feel a greater sense of being OK in your 'internet friendships', if you have them✒️

Generally speaking, there is a lot of 'beautification' going on in your mind with this Full Worm Moon in Virgo. As a result of that, I see you moving into Spring Equinox with a lighter heart and more faith in your future trajectory. Some of you may not be all too sure yet what this year is meant to bring to your doorstep, but you don't really care—you're just glad that right now, things are really lighter, easier and sweeter💕

full moon self-care🔻🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘

Priestess of Prosperity & Gold Historian (Raphael Holinshed)

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☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 2 – I've Fought for My Place, My Peace

redefining my girlhood – 10 of Wands Rx

Girlhood to you was always marred by a sense of being responsible for everybody's wellbeing and still responsible when things go wrong. You may have gotten blamed for everything or maybe you saw a mother, sister or every other woman in your society get blamed for even men's misconducts simply because they're female. This either caused you to develop hyper-caution or you became very angry about the mistreatment of women but couldn't necessarily do anything about it👿

This Full Worm Moon in Virgo is inviting you to either rebel against this bullshite, or if you were already doing it nevertheless, this FM is strengthening your resolve for rebellion. This could translate into you finally leaving a situation for good, leaving some losers to learn and be responsible for themselves. This could also translate as you stopping making an effort to fix a situation for someone else. Basically, the whole summary is that you're gaining a new perspective on what you're worth as a Human being yourself🫀

This then helps you realise that you're actually SO capable of creating a paradise of your own~🌈

self-empathy – 6 of Swords Rx

And so, that's what you've decided to focus upon instead of helping putting out fires in other people's lives. When you finally leave that situation or person, I see you leaving with such a glad heart! You know that where you are headed is going to be so much better, so you have no qualms whatsoever. If anything, I believe that deep within you're thinking: 'I'm fighting for my place, my peace, so I'm staying right on track!' This could speak of the track towards your better, brighter, lighter future🔥

But for some of you who have actually made this move, I see that some disturbances from the past could be revisiting you, maybe asking for help whatsoever, and so this could speak of 'staying on track' of living a separate Reality from them. 'I've fought for this liberation. I'm staying with my decision!' Though leaving/ignoring what may have felt important can be painful, you know you love yourself too much to go back to what was choking you out of oxygen🐢

service to the One and All – 10 of Cups

Maybe some of you reading this already have children of your own, but even if not, I get that you're thinking about the future of your unborn children, too. You've fought this hard, this much, for your place and peace in the world because you want to create a paradise for your children, too. Seems like you knew that your previous situation/environment wouldn't be good in the long run for yourself or your children. And if you haven't got a child now, you've surely thought about their future, when you have them in the future🦘

Your Spirit is one that urges you to become a good parent, a good spouse, too. Were you aware of this? There was always this toxicity that you simply did not wish to pass down your bloodline. Your heart really is noble and full of self-sacrifice; but that's exactly why you should be selective with who you consider worthy of those sacrifices🦜You really are a warrior of Love~🌛And for that alone, know that your happy-ever-after is ALREADY here aenergetically~ Bask in this frequency!💖

full moon self-care🔻🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘

Priestess of Healing & Red Alchemist (John Dee) 

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☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 3 – 'I am out with lanterns, looking for myself.'

redefining my girlhood – 8 of Cups

If this is your main pile, out of the others, you're probably just about to embark on a spiritual journey of your own. There is 'travel' or 'moving away' into the unknown indicated here, but this could translate as either you 'spiritually moving' to studying something new or you could be moving to a different geographical location to study in a whole new environment. At any rate, you're changing landscapes whether tangibly or intangibly🖼

This has most likely been a rumination of yours for months on end at this point. You've been wanting a change of scenery, you've been craving for a higher sense of sweetness or excitement to Life itself. You've been bored to death. There's nothing emotionally satisfying anymore in your current Reality or environment. Something, anything, needs to change🥽

And this Full Worm Moon in Virgo is sending you intuitive guidance as to what small steps you can take to changing your landscape...🎨

self-empathy – 4 of Cups Rx

You're most likely the type of person who's afraid of the known... Have you noticed that? While most other human beings fear the unknown, you fear predictability, and in a stranger manner still, you dread the idea of 'knowing' that all you've ever wanted is within reach. Some of you may unknowingly (pun intended) have been delaying your own manifestations because you're still 'comfortably' swimming in uncertainty...🏊‍♀️

'Because the unknown is what’s exciting. Keep me guessing, bitch,' you say to the Universe🎰

Much of Life's recent chaos has got you mastering navigating Life with so much uncertainty that now you can only feel 'comfortable' when things are chaos and unpredictable. The moment you feel like Life's kind again, the moment you think you've got the next step figured out, you begin to panic internally🌰Cold sweats, maybe.

service to the One and All – 6 of Cups

When you were growing up, you probably faced many instances where you felt like your whole society was judging you, condescending you about every little thing that you liked or were into. All of your hobbies or interests were denied or frowned upon by most everybody. Do you realise how this caused your brains to develop a penchant for running away from what's meant for you? In some ways I guess we call this 'self-sabotage'🧘‍♀️

This Full Worm Moon in Virgo is inviting you to rewire your brains—realise now that you're so much bigger and freer than how it was when you were (probably) really, really small and helpless. Now, you've got the mental power to select and decide what you want to have in your Reality. What's meant to be there, let it stay and enjoy yourself~🎠No more running away from what you like just to fit society's boring, drab selections.

full moon self-care🔻🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘

Priestess of Solitude & Silver Historian (Polydore Vergil)

Access bonus, cards + affs on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

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[inkempressz]

Yandere Izuku Midoriya with a God Complex

If Izuku Midoriya developed a god complex and lost his moral compass over years of being a pro hero, his yandere tendencies would become far more sinister and delusional. The constant adoration from the public, the power he wields, and the endless cycle of defeating villains could erode his humility, leaving a man who believes himself untouchable and above societal laws. Combined with his obsession for you, this would make him terrifyingly controlling and dangerously detached from human empathy.

The Evolution of His God Complex

Izuku’s unwavering dedication to heroism and his rising fame would transform him over time.

1. Moral Decay Through Justifications:

• Years of battling villains would desensitise him to violence. At first, he might have regretted the collateral damage caused by his actions, but over time, he’d rationalise it as “necessary sacrifices for the greater good.”

• This mindset would bleed into his personal relationships, including you. If he believes something is for your benefit, he’d do it without hesitation, regardless of whether it harms others or violates your autonomy.

2. Seeing Himself as Above the Law:

• With his immense power and influence, Izuku would come to see laws and regulations as obstacles created for ordinary people. He’d believe he operates on a higher plane, where the rules don’t apply to someone as indispensable as himself.

• If anyone tried to hold him accountable for questionable actions, he’d dismiss their concerns, framing himself as the only one who can keep the world safe.

• This mindset would extend to you; he’d see you as his reward for all he’s done for society. In his eyes, no one else could love or protect you like he can, and thus, you’re destined to be with him.

3. Viewing Humanity as Livestock:

• Years of dealing with selfish villains and watching ordinary people rely on heroes to save them would foster a quiet contempt for humanity. While he’d still protect civilians outwardly, inwardly, he might see them as weak, directionless creatures who exist only because of heroes like him.

• This distorted worldview would extend to your relationships with others. He’d see anyone close to you—friends, family, colleagues—as nothing more than distractions or threats to his control. Their lives would hold little value to him compared to yours.

How His God Complex Affects His Yandere Behaviour

1. Complete Possession of You:

• Izuku wouldn’t just see you as his partner; he’d see you as an extension of himself. To him, you are his creation, someone shaped by his influence and protected under his power.

• He’d believe he has the divine right to decide what’s best for you, dismissing your own desires as “uninformed” or “short-sighted.”

2. Manipulating Public Perception:

• If you tried to escape or speak out against him, he’d leverage his public image to discredit you. He could frame you as mentally unstable, traumatised, or even in danger from imaginary villains to ensure the world sides with him.

• His adoring fans would make it nearly impossible for you to find help, as no one would dare accuse the beloved “Symbol of Peace” of wrongdoing.

3. Casual Violence Towards Others:

• Izuku’s god complex and moral decay would make him ruthless towards anyone he deems unworthy of his time.

• If someone flirted with you or tried to help you escape, he’d treat them as villains, using his quirks to punish them with terrifying efficiency. In his mind, their suffering would be justified because they interfered with his “sacred” relationship with you.

4. Creeping Detachment From Humanity:

• Izuku’s lack of empathy for ordinary people would lead to chilling behaviour. He might calmly discuss harming others as if it’s inconsequential, or even use people as pawns in his schemes to keep you close.

• He’d view the world as his playground, and its inhabitants as mere tools to be used or discarded in pursuit of his happiness.

5. Obsession With “Perfecting” You:

• As someone who sees himself as a god-like figure, Izuku would want you to reflect his perfection. He’d subtly (or overtly) criticise your habits, appearance, or social interactions, “guiding” you to meet his ideal vision of a partner.

• Any resistance on your part would be met with condescension, as if you simply don’t understand what’s best for you. He might even isolate you under the pretext of “helping you grow.”

Creepy Behaviour Under the Influence of His God Complex

1. Sacrificing Others for You:

• If someone threatened your safety—or even your relationship—Izuku wouldn’t hesitate to destroy them. Whether that meant ruining their career, orchestrating their public humiliation, or outright killing them, he’d justify it as protecting what’s his.

2. Twisting the Narrative:

• Izuku would craft a story where you’re the ultimate victim in need of his protection. Even if you actively tried to escape, he’d spin it as you being “confused” or “in danger,” ensuring everyone around you supports his version of events.

3. Creepy Worship:

• Despite his god complex, Izuku would paradoxically worship you as his muse. He’d keep locks of your hair, items you’ve touched, and photos of you in secret shrines. He’d tell himself these are tokens of his devotion, proof of his unshakable love.

4. Absolute Isolation:

• Izuku would create a gilded cage for you, cutting you off from the outside world under the guise of protecting you. He’d shower you with affection and gifts, making it hard to see him as a villain, even as he strips away your autonomy.

5. Experimental Behaviour:

• Izuku’s analytical nature would drive him to “test” your limits. He might stage elaborate scenarios to see how much you depend on him, such as faking a rescue or putting you in harm’s way just to swoop in as the hero.

What Makes Him Truly Frightening

Izuku’s descent into a god complex, combined with his yandere tendencies, would make him a man who believes he’s entitled to rewrite reality to suit his desires. His power, intelligence, and public influence would render him nearly untouchable, and his unwavering conviction that everything he does is for your sake would leave you trapped in a nightmare where he’s both your saviour and your captor.

[robin-buckely]

hello! I love your edits and I wanted to know, for the "Steve Robin and Nancy" Gif you posted.. How would I go about doing something like that? More specificly, the bottom two where it says "Height Difference" and where it labels them as "Princess, Jock and Loser"

Thank you! Sorry this took a while to answer. I finally had time to sit down and write this. Link to original post.

Quick notes: I'm using Photoshop 2021 on Mac and working in video timeline. Must have basic gifmaking skills and know how to use layer masks. This is primarily a gif layout and text tutorial.

Fonts used in first gif:

Pea Wolfe Tracks — link here

King & Queen — link here

Fonts used in second gif:

Kiera — link here

Post — link here

Ellianarelle's Path — link here

Heina's hurry — link here

I used a light leaks/film texture, ripped paper textures, folded paper textures, and transparent pngs (arrows + post-it notes + smiley face).

We'll start with this gif.

Make your gif! The gif here is 540x600px. I color and sharpen it to my liking. Go to image > canvas size > change height from 600 to 770px. I left the anchor in the middle, though it doesn't really matter.

I drag and drop my folded paper texture and change the layer order so it's under my gif. Then I change the blending mode on my gif to Screen so the texture shows through the gif, but I keep the texture at 100% Opacity and Fill.

Now I move my gif around and add my ripped paper textures. I wanted to give it a sort of poster-like feel to it, so I made more room on the bottom for my main text and ended up with something like this. Blending mode is set to Lighten for the ripped paper textures.

I then use layer masks to hide what I don't want shown and add my light leaks/film texture. Blending mode on light leaks/film texture set to Pin Light, Opacity: 50%, Fill: 70%.

I use Levels and Brightness/Contrast adjustment layers to darken the gif up a bit more, then I add a patterned paper texture. Blending mode for patterned paper texture set to Lighten, Opacity: 100%, Fill: 75%. Result:

Now on to the text!

I'm going to be honest here, a lot of this was clicking around until I settled on something I liked. There's three layers to create this text effect. The font used here is King & Queen.

For the first text layer, the font color is set to black (#000000), font size: 87 pt, leading: 80 pt, tracking: 25.

Layer styles used here are stroke and drop shadow.

Text Layer 1

Stroke settings:

Size: 1px

Position: Outside

Blend Mode: Hard Light

Opacity: 40%

Overprint: unchecked

Fill Type: Color

Color: #5911ed

Drop Shadow settings:

Blend Mode: Difference

Color: #2d5ba8

Opacity: 85%

Angle: 70°

Use Global Light: checked

Distance: 7px

Spread: 0%

Size: 6px

Contour: Cone - Inverted

Anti-aliased: unchecked

Noise: 0%

Layer Knocks Out Drop Shadow: checked

Blending mode for text layer set to Overlay, Opacity: 100%, Fill: 85%.

Warp text settings:

Style: Wave

Horizontal: checked

Bend: +60%

Horizontal Distortion: +10%

Vertical Distortion: 0%

With all those settings applied, the first text layer looks like this:

Duplicate the layer, clear all layer styles, and change the color for the second text layer to white (#ffffff). All other text settings (including warp settings) should stay the same. The only layer style then applied to this text layer is stroke.

Text Layer 2

Stroke settings:

Size: 1px

Position: Outside

Blend Mode: Difference

Opacity: 100%

Overprint: unchecked

Fill Type: Color

Color: #d48f16

Blending mode for the second text layer is set to Difference, Opacity: 90%, Fill: 100%. Nudge the second text layer a bit so the first text layer is a little more visible or move to your liking.

With both those layers active, it looks like this:

Duplicate the second text layer, clear layer styles, and change the color of this third text layer to a dark grey (#1a1919). Again, all other text (and warp) settings should stay the same.

Layer styles applied to this layer are stroke and gradient overlay.

Text Layer 3

Stroke settings:

Size: 1px

Position: Outside

Blend Mode: Difference

Opacity: 100%

Overprint: unchecked

Fill Type: Color

Color: #d48f16

Gradient Overlay settings:

Blend Mode: Difference

Dither: unchecked

Opacity: 100%

Gradient: #cd3f00 > #ffdb5d

Reverse: unchecked

Style: Reflected

Align with Layer: checked

Angle: 90°

Scale: 100%

Blending mode for the third text layer set to Exclusion, Opacity: 100%, Fill: 100%. I also moved the third text layer around, down and to the right a few pixels to give it that 3-D Word Art effect.

With all three text layers active:

Next are the arrows.

Take your transparent pngs and place them to your liking. Blending mode for these is set to Difference, Opacity: 100%, Fill: 100%.

Command + click on an arrow thumbnail to select all the pixels in that layer. This is why the image must be transparent!

With that selection made and on a new blank layer, right click the selection and click on stroke. Settings for that are width: 2px, color: white, location: center. Move that a couple of pixels over.

Do this for all arrows for a total of 6 layers for arrows. I group them together to keep my workspace clean, then I duplicate my arrows group with no further changes made to the second group to get what you see in the final gif.

Next is the smaller text. It's three separate text layers for each word, so I can move each of them around to my liking.

Font used is Pea Wolfe Tracks, font color: white (#ffffff), font size: 24 pt, leading: 6 pt, tracking: 25. Bold and italic options checked. I set the blending mode to Difference, Opacity: 100%, Fill: 100%.

And that's it! That concludes the tutorial for this gif!

Now on to this gif.

We'll start with the background gif. There are three separate gifs. You could make them one gif, but I wanted the option to order them differently if I needed to.

All gifs in the background are the size of the canvas: 540x770px. Color and sharpen to your liking, but keep them all black and white. To get the blurry effect go to filter > blur > guassian blur. Set radius to 7.0 pixels. Add this to all three gifs.

Then I add two folded paper textures. Blending mode for one set to Lighten, Opacity: 60%, Fill: 100%. The other set to Screen, Opacity: 70%, Fill: 90%.

I found this tutorial a while back for a halftone effect. They include links to the halftone pattern used here as well as textures and gradient maps not used here.

I'm only using the halftone pattern here.

Pattern fill settings:

Angle: 66°

Scale: 8%

Link with Layer: checked

I also added a gradient overlay layer style to the halftone pattern which gives the gifs the color you see above.

Gradient Overlay settings:

Blend Mode: Overlay

Dither: unchecked

Opacity: 100%

Gradient: #0059ac > #a33600 > #e6b801

Reverse: unchecked

Style: Linear

Align with Layer: checked

Angle: -100°

Scale: 100%

Now on to the square shapes with rounded corners. In the interest of keeping this tutorial short(er), I found this tutorial on youtube that explains how to make squares with rounded corners.

I set my stroke size to 6px, stroke color to white (#ffffff), and fill to no color. I don't use the stroke layer style to make the borders of the shape like in the video! I'm only linking the video to show how to curve corners with square shapes.

Note: Be sure you know how big or small you want these to be and how they're going to fit on your canvas in order to make all the shapes and edit them. It can be tedious to change the settings.

Duplicate and resize to your liking.

In this instance, I wanted to make three squares total, so I had to duplicate twice and resize until I had something I liked.

Settings for the shapes used here are:

Innermost shape: W: 200px, H: 280px, corners: 50px

Middle shape: W: 220px, H: 300px, corners: 60px

Outer shape: W: 240px, H: 320px, corners: 70px

Once I have the size I want for all three shapes, I group them together to make a set and duplicate that group twice, then adjust each set on the canvas for my layout.

What the sets look like all together:

Colors used: orange #e47100, blue #0062d1, yellow #ecac00

To add color to the shapes, either change the color of the shape itself or use layer styles. I used layer styles.

Note: I didn't add the colors until the end after I knew what gifs went where and what color scheme I wanted, but I don't want to add more images than I need to here.

To keep this short, I found this tutorial on youtube that explains how to wrap text around a shape. However, I wanted the text to align on the outside where the white line is and not the green line (left image):

So I created another shape just inside the innermost square and used that as a path for my text (right image). Adjust the text to your liking until you have your text where you want it. Refer to the video tutorial if you need help moving the text along the path!

You don't need the shape path once you have your text where you want it, so use the layer visibility tool to hide it. You can hide your other shapes too so you can work with your text.

Do not delete your shape path!

I duplicate it once I start working with my "jock" text since all the sets are the same size. The "loser" text has to be worked a little differently, but we'll get to that later.

For the princess, jock, and loser text, there are two text layers to create the overall effect. For both layers, font used is Kiera, font color set to white (#ffffff), font size: 60 pt, blending mode set to Normal.

I added a gradient overlay layer style to the first text layer which I'll call the base layer. Opacity for this layer is 100%, Fill: 100%.

Base Layer

Gradient Overlay settings:

Blend Mode: Normal

Dither: unchecked

Opacity: 100%

Gradient: #f0b002 > #e7f0fd

Reverse: checked

Style: Diamond

Align with Layer: checked

Angle: 90°

Scale: 100%

The second text layer is your stroke and drop shadow layer. For this layer, opacity is set to 100%, Fill: 0%.

Stroke and Drop Shadow Layer

Stroke settings:

Size: 2px

Position: Outside

Blend Mode: Linear Light

Opacity: 100%

Overprint: unchecked

Fill Type: Color

Color: #0064cb

Drop Shadow settings:

Blend Mode: Difference

Color: #fb7c00

Opacity: 100%

Angle: 30°

Use Global Light: checked

Distance: 5px

Spread: 0%

Size: 0px

Contour: Linear

Anti-aliased: unchecked

Noise: 0%

Layer Knocks Out Drop Shadow: checked

End result looks like this:

When I make my shapes visible again (minus the one I used as a path), I get this:

The shapes are clearly in the way of the text, whether they're above my shapes layer or under it. I use layer masks to hide what I want, so the text is legible. It looks cleaner this way and I wanted the text to be a part of the shape itself. I do that for each rounded square.

Now on to my smaller gifs. I like to crop, resize, sharpen, and color separately because my laptop and Photoshop would kill me if I tried to do it all on one canvas. I use the size of the middle shape for my gifs (220x300px), so I can have a little wiggle room when adjusting. I then use a layer mask to hide the parts of the gif that are outside of the shape.

A quick way to do this is to command + click on the thumbnail of the innermost square. With that selection made, I got to my gif layer and add a layer mask. Sometimes you need to invert it. Use command + i with the layer mask selected (not the gif) to invert the layer mask.

I repeat this process with my Steve and Robin gifs. I have to go back and forth with all the layer masks to hide parts of the gif/shapes I don't want for each set. It's kind of a long process, but not all that difficult. I label and group my layers together as I work to keep things clean and it helps me keep track of what I edited and what needs to be edited when it comes to things like this.

The picture below shows where I hid the bottom right corner of Nancy as well as the shapes that make up her set using layer masks. I also did this with the Steve and Robin sets, hiding the bottom left corner of Steve.

Similar text settings used for jock. The gradient overlay layer style for this base layer is different than that of princess because of the positioning of the text. Again, same as princess, two text layers are used here. Blending mode, opacity, and fill for both are the same as the princess text layers as mentioned before.

Base Layer

Gradient Overlay settings:

Blend Mode: Normal

Dither: unchecked

Opacity: 100%

Gradient: #007aec > move bottom middle dot to 80% > #e7f0fd

Reverse: checked

Style: Diamond

Align with Layer: checked

Angle: -140°

Scale: 100%

Stroke and Drop Shadow Layer

Stroke settings:

Size: 2px

Position: Outside

Blend Mode: Linear Light

Opacity: 100%

Overprint: unchecked

Fill Type: Color

Color: #a05700

Drop Shadow settings:

Blend Mode: Difference

Color: #ffba00

Opacity: 100%

Angle: 30°

Use Global Light: checked

Distance: 5px

Spread: 0%

Size: 0px

Contour: Linear

Anti-aliased: unchecked

Noise: 0%

Layer Knocks Out Drop Shadow: checked

Image 1: We start with Robin.

Image 2: To make the loser text, I had to create a new path.

Image 3: I make it so the text is on the inside of the path instead of the outside. (Hint: Refer to video tutorial if you don't know how to do that.) I then adjusted the tracking between the letters in the word "loser" so they didn't look so squished together.

Image 4: Then I use layer masks to hide the parts of the shape I don't want shown.

You can then hide the path or delete it. You only need it if you want to adjust the placement of the text. I keep it (hidden) just in case.

Text settings for loser are just like those for princess. Blending mode, opacity, and fill are also the same.

Base Layer

Gradient Overlay settings:

Blend Mode: Normal

Dither: unchecked

Opacity: 100%

Gradient: #eb6400 > #e7f0fd

Reverse: checked

Style: Diamond

Align with Layer: checked

Angle: 90°

Scale: 100%

Stroke and Drop Shadow Layer

Stroke settings:

Size: 2px

Position: Outside

Blend Mode: Linear Light

Opacity: 100%

Overprint: unchecked

Fill Type: Color

Color: #e1a900

Drop Shadow settings:

Blend Mode: Difference

Color: #0068de

Opacity: 100%

Angle: 30°

Use Global Light: checked

Distance: 5px

Spread: 0%

Size: 0px

Contour: Linear

Anti-aliased: unchecked

Noise: 0%

Layer Knocks Out Drop Shadow: checked

Next are the post-it notes! This is probably the easiest part of making this gif. You just have to repeat this process for however many post-it notes you're making.

Image 1: To start, place your transparent post-it note where you want it. You can also rotate it if you'd like.

Image 2: Then create a text layer and write what you want. Font used here is Post. I wanted this text underlined to give emphasis, so I click on the underline option. I also adjusted the leading because I wanted more space between the word and the line. Rotate the text so it looks like it's written on the post-it note. Note: It looks better if you choose a font that looks handwritten.

Image 3: I wanted another line to give emphasis to the "Dingus!!" text and make it seem more handwritten. I use the line tool to create another line.

Image 4: Then I adjust that line to my liking.

Fonts used for notes: Post, Ellianarelle's Path, and Heina's hurry

Repeat this process for all post-it notes!

That finishes the tutorial! (And I hit the 30 image limit lol.) I hope this helps. If you have any further questions, feel free to send an ask or IM and I'll try to answer to the best of my ability.

Happy photoshopping!

[trophyprincess]

Here are some tips that have helped me stay sane in the face of my body dysmorphia and disordered eating habits.

Positivity time! This one's for all the ladies out there struggling with their bodies.

Body dysmorphia causes changes to visual areas of the brain. Your brain is literally lying to you. You are hallucinating. No, seriously. This is SO SO IMPORTANT. Look, if you have an ED then chances are, you may very well have legitimate body dysmorphic disorder. Your brain may be warping and distorting the image in the mirror. It's why everyone around you keeps saying how thin you are, but all you can see in the mirror is flab. It's a neurophysiological thing. (Most of the literature on BDD seems to pertain to cases regarding the patient's facial features or similar, rather than in the context of body size in ED patients, though.)

One binge won't undo your progress. Everyone fucks up sometimes. Don't dwell, don't ruminate, just pick yourself up the next day and keep going! This applies to "binges" in the proper clinical sense, as well as 4n4 "binges" that are more aptly described as simply "overeating." I occasionally will give myself a "free day" once a month or so, or if it's a holiday or something.

If you fast and restrict, take a good multivitamin, plus a calcium supplement! I also take thiamine to be safe. Being thin and undereating are associated with osteoporosis risk later in life, so calcium is a must! You need to make sure you're getting all of the critical micronutrients your body needs to function.

Exercise, especially cardio, helps with dopamine regulation. I have industrial strength ADHD-PI, ymmv. I also find that exercise bike, walking, or even pacing constantly = STIMMY STIMMY STIM TIME STIMS, MUST STIM, MORE STIM, CANNOT BE STILL, FUCK YOUR QUIET HANDS. Again, ymmv, fuck quiet hands, all my ND homies hate quiet hands.

Strengthening/resistance exercises help prevent osteoporosis later in life. 20-30 minutes 3-5x/week of yoga or pilates is great for this!

THC gummies are pretty low calorie. Shoutout to drugs other than alcohol for not having calories! (I use cannabis and hallucinogens, not big on hard drugs though.)

If you do drink, there are low cal options, but please moderate and try to follow CDC guidelines and avoid frequent binge drinking!! Guys, susceptibility to addiction runs in families. Also, struggling with impulse control aspects of binging may cooccur sometimes with susceptibility to alcohol abuse and addiction. I like vodka with diet tonic water, gin and tonic with diet tonic water, and vodka cosmos with diet 5 cal cranberrry "juice!" White Claw and similar hard seltzers are also great. Personally, I avoid drinking alone, don't drink all that often, and take care to be responsible and cautious. Ymmv, especially if you're still in early adulthood and just now starting to really experiment with substances!

When you do eat, make sure to get enough protein and fats! Carbs, you can take or leave. No one ever died from lack of carbohydrates, oddly enough. Protein and fat, though? I've had seizures due to low blood protein (combined with an accidental double dose of bupropion, to be fair). Rabbit starvation is a thing. This is especially important to pay attention to if you're vegetarian or vegan! Egg whites, chicken, tuna and other fish, olives, chickpeas, nuts, and beans are all good low calorie sources of protein and fats. (Olives, legumes, and especially nuts are energy dense though, so moderation is key.)

Enjoy the nice, healthy, low calorie foods that you do eat. It's okay to enjoy food, even if it's safe foods like light salads or cauliflower rice with vegetables.

Seek out social support and harm reduction advice. One thing people overlook about the whole "pr0 4n4" thing is that these communities are key sources of social support and harm reduction information for people who struggle with EDs.

[patricia-taxxon]

I want to address what’s being said about me regarding my behavior as a teenager, because some of it is true. However, more of it is greatly distorted, and some of it is false. I won’t be reproducing the video that was made about me, the creator has acknowledged the misinformation present in it & has unlisted it, willingly ceding ground for me to give my own testimony. Some of it will require me to admit to things I am still ashamed of, some of it will require me to revisit a traumatic time in my life that I have mostly blocked out. The short version is that I believe I was being groomed at the same time and in the same place as many of the people who came out against me, and my ultimate goal is to find solidarity with those people and begin the healing process. 

When I was 18, and just beginning to accrue an audience, I created a discord server. For a lot of external reasons, mainly spending my entire life up until this point being shuttled around different special ed schools, this ended up being the first real social circle I ever had. It represented the first positive attention I ever received from strangers. It’s a time where I made a lot of mistakes, it’s a time where I was gravely vulnerable. In all honesty, I was too young to manage a community of any kind, I was hot off the back of being desensitized in my adolescence by unrestricted access to early 2010s internet. I knew well enough to create special NSFW rooms, and was advised later to create further division by requiring users to self-apply for a special NSFW role to access those rooms This extra layer meant that the rooms wouldn’t even show up for people who didn’t have the role, which led to some believing they didn’t exist. 

However, I did not intuitively understand the “meaning” of sexual content, I didn’t understand the baggage that came with it. I used cropped fetish porn as emotes and indiscriminately showed the source to anyone who asked, sometimes outside of the NSFW rooms, because I found niche fetishes to be amusing, and since it was “funny” and not “sexy” it didn’t have to mean anything. The worst consequence of this happened when I was first formulating the ideas for my video about youtuber Rags, and I discovered that his youtube avatar was cropped from a NSFW image he had commissioned of his feral dog fursona. I sent this image to just about anyone who seemed interested, and this included a then 13 year old. I’m going to apologize just like I did when this first came out, but I will not be pressured as I was then into assuming predatory intent in myself. I’m not making excuses when I say that I had been a legal adult for under a year and thought of it as just an interaction between two teenagers, a kind of interaction I had with many of my friends (and some adults) before I turned 18. It was a misunderstanding, *and* I hurt you, and I’m deeply deeply sorry. 

There were some moderators besides myself, two were teenagers around my age, early adopters of the server who I felt I’d become friends with. One was a woman in her late twenties, who I won’t name simply because I’m not in the business of offloading my misery onto other people, but she knows who she is. She contacted me with a shower of attention & adoration, she left positive reviews for my albums when she noticed I was upset at their critical reception, she oversaw me as I posted my nudes in that server and later on my main twitter account. She encouraged this behavior in myself and others and participated in it too.

I want to make this clear, the bulk of the allegations against me boil down to punishing me for failing to surmise I was being exploited by the first social group I ever had. I jerked off in voice chats. I remember the day I started, I was surrounded by people older than me who were encouraging me to post my first nude pic in the self-nsfw channel, and I had to get hard for them first. I then considered this normal and did it often. At one point a 15 year old entered the room while I was doing it, and I went quiet until she left. I reconvened with this 15 year old recently, and she told me she only remembers being promptly told to leave. The claim that I “regularly jerked off in voice chat with minors” as if it were an orchestrated and habitual activity is an outright falsehood.  

I remember posting my nudes on twitter in a fevered haze of dissociation and dysphoria after being goaded by other users in my discord server. I remember doing it again and again, so that it could maybe eventually feel normal. I was 18, going on 19. I had twenty to thirty thousand subscribers, I was hot off the heels of being given 150 bucks for making thirty minutes of music for a much bigger youtuber. There are others who were in that server who were similarly exploited, and I am not here to contradict those testimonies, but I was uniquely denied the ability to understand what had happened to me as grooming, because I was technically of age and I had the very beginnings of a youtube audience. However, 20k subs didn’t give me more power than someone over ten years my senior. 

I was groomed, and just as I was beginning to understand what happened to me, the shame threatening to overtake me completely, I was slapped with the supposed news that I was the sole perpetrator of the entire situation that traumatized me so, that what I thought of as my first friend group all remembered me as a loathsome creep. The apology I wrote in abject panic was dissected and used as a cudgel against me in police-interrogation fashion, so I became afraid to say anything. A year and a half later, I made a post saying that I had been “groomed by a portion of my audience” and this immediately provoked a youtube video callout. I feel as if I have been beaten into silence and complicity, unable to form thoughts of my own regarding my experience. I am terrified, right now, writing this story that I firmly believe no one on earth will buy, because I have come to routinely doubt my own testimony.

Some accusations being made of me are so foreign that I have trouble piecing together what it could be referring to. I commissioned a NSFW size difference piece from dramamine, one where my lover is 11 feet tall, and I was pre transition at the time so I wanted a flat chest to help me feel feminine in my current body. It was wrongly tagged as “cub” (furry child porn) on E621, which I vocally protested at the time. This is the only thing I could point to as evidence for the claim that I commissioned cub porn of myself. I do not know how to convey the feeling of being flooded by accusations that require me to ponder what it could even be referring to, or to see my accuser insist that she’s receiving dozens of new horrible scoops on me without being able to see exactly what it is or what happened. I’m open to apologizing personally to anyone I ended up hurting in my adolescence who reaches out to me, I was a victim of grooming let off into a public space with a few thousand followers after all, but I’m not apologizing on behalf of people who might have heard something bad about me.

I am going to restate, my accuser has *of her own volition* unlisted the offending video & understands the misinformation she spread, there is nothing to gain from seeking her out and letting her know your opinion on the situation. I waited until this agreement was reached to make any statement at all for this exact reason. 

I am staying offline for about a day after posting this, I am under a lot of pressure, I am very tired.