#Don’t get me wrong I love the Hobbit movies to bits

[meteors-lotr]

Listen I was somewhat excited about the animated Rohan movie

I am not excited about the Gollum movie, because I have a feeling it’s just going to be “Everything that was bad about The Hobbit movies but amplify it by eleven”

Anyways if you haven’t already watched the 2009 fan film, “The Hunt for Gollum”, then check that out it’s a banger

[lonesomedreamer]

The Rings of Power Liveblog: “The Great Wave” and “Partings” (Episodes 4 & 5)

“The Great Wave”

As always, I appreciate this show’s commitment to being gorgeous!

The foreshadowing of Tar-Míriel’s dream is fine as a narrative device, but it feels…deceptive? Númenor was destroyed because they deliberately broke the Valar’s Ban by sailing to Valinor, not because one Elf showed up. (To be fair, they did so due to the influence of [redacted], so…)

Yeah, the whole “the Elves are gonna come take our jobs!” thing is, um…it’s too much.

Love that Al-Pharazôn is using their descent from Elros, the son of two half-Elves who both chose to live as Elves, to pump these people up…bc the Númenóreans had come to resent “the choice of their ancestor” by this time! They don’t fear the Elves. They envy them—resent them. They enjoy life and want to keep on living it. They want to be immortal. That really shouldn’t be a difficult idea to get across on screen!

I initially appreciated the obvious Mediterranean influences in this design, but now it seems over-the-top and doesn’t fit in well with the aesthetics of the rest of the universe.

It’s really dumb—and rude—that the queen keeps calling Galadriel “Elf”

It’s a shame they’ve stripped her of all her wisdom.

Unsure if it’s the fault of the writing or the acting, but Tar-Míriel is not doing it for me at all. Alternating between widening your eyes and smirking does not a compelling performance make.

Cheap comic relief from Elendil—thanks for nothing, writers!

“Isildur” continues to provide this show with unnecessary, meaningless teen angst/drama. No thanks.

More grimdark Orc stuff. At least Arondir’s finally getting out.

Oh, the horror movie nonsense, bad CG, and bad costumes that make up the Southlands subplot…I didn’t miss it.

The actor playing Celebrimbor looks more like someone you’d cast as a Hobbit than an Elf. I’m getting way more “old Bilbo” vibes from him than “master smith of the Noldor”…

WHAT is going on with the timeline? Most of Episode 3 took place over a few days in Númenor. In that time, Bronwyn’s village has run out of food at their watchtower refuge—believable enough—and the Dwarves of Khazad-dûm a) decided to help build forges in Eregion after all and b) already partially completed said forges! Make it make sense.

“Are you suggesting Durin’s got himself a wee girlfriend?” “These wee’uns are turning my mind to much.” I did Shakespeare in high school, and once, after our director asked us to project for the umpteenth time, she shouted, “You do not mic the Bard!” That’s how I feel about these line. I’m so sorry, Professor.

Elrond just wandering around in the mines of Khazad-dûm, alone, like it ain’t no thing, lmao.

Mithril!

Not them making me care about this made-up friendship between Durin and Elrond a tiny bit.

Huh, a Palantír. I didn’t see that coming.

“Palantíri show many visions. Some that will never come to pass.” Cribbing directly from Galadriel’s actual canon dialogue!

“I will not second-guess the gods.” This is so funny to me, bc like…Galadriel lived among the Valar! It’s giving “do not cite the Deep Magic to me…I was there when it was written.”

Arondir saving Theo and then holding his own against like a bazillion Orcs while also trying to defend him…as if!

We just saw the Orcs running around a village in broad daylight, but suddenly they can’t keep chasing Theo and Arondir because the sun’s coming up??

The power of music…now that’s very Tolkien. ♥ This scene also gives the Dwarves, with their exaggerated Scottish accents and bad dialogue, a few all-too-rare moments of dignity.

Which is quickly destroyed by Durin angrily screaming about his “old goat” of a father.

I’m grudgingly going to admit that I kind of like Elrond. Though I still think the actor is wrong for the part, he does have a certain gravitas when a scene calls for it.

“For ever am I with you, my son.” Oh…oh, it’s a good scene. And King Durin also has dignity and gravitas! I didn’t think these writers had it in them.

As surprisingly compelling as the Khazad-dûm stuff is, the Southlands subplot is dull. I’m not interested in Theo at all, and I’m barely interested in Bronwyn—and since they’re not going to bother to develop her character properly (there are just too many characters at this point), it doesn’t matter.

Also: the exchange between Theo and the guy in whose barn he found the Sauron sword about the return of their “king” is really heavy-handed foreshadowing.

Númenor is lowkey a narrative disaster. Aesthetically pleasing, though!

Wait, how did Halbrand get out of prison…? Did I miss that??

“I’ve decided to personally escort the Elf back to Middle-earth to aid our mortal brethren who are now besieged in the Southlands.” Again “the Elf” instead of her name…also, how is Tar-Míriel accompanying her going to make a difference? Sending troops, sure—but having the reigning monarch leave Númenor???

“Brave sons and daughters.” Do we think there were Númenórean shield-maidens? Genuinely asking. Yes or no, an absurd number of women volunteer to serve. I’m genuinely all for gender parity/equality, even in fantasy. However… a) it seems unrealistic in this setting/the style of combat they’d be training for, and b) women can be valuable and valued beyond being soldiers (Tolkien knew this—just look at Éowyn)!

Okay, this one was a doozy!

The Good:

Visually stunning, as anyone who’s gotten this far should now expect. I’m going to say that every time. (Tbh it’s why I’m even still watching.)

It’s nice to return to an Elven location (with the promise of more next time!) They gave a magical, ethereal atmosphere to the first episode that’s been missing ever since, and they feel a lot more escapist than Númenor and the Southlands.

Elendil continues to be hot

Some really touching, well-acted moments in Khazad-dûm*…I even thought Elrond was solid. And mithril!

The stuff with the Palantír was kind of cool.

Tar-Míriel is almost a real character rather than a Cersei Lannister knockoff. The acting’s still meh, but an improvement from the previous episode. And her headpieces/crowns are to die for.

Numerous references to Eärendil, most of them cheesy, but still…the little things.

The Bad:

Everything else.

The entire Southlands plot is spiraling into absurdity. I’m not invested in any of the characters involved, and since this is the halfway point of Season 1, I don’t expect that to change. It’s ridiculous that Theo and Arondir are even still alive after that forest chase scene.

Most of the dialogue is mediocre to Bad. *I think the Dwarves might be the worst offenders…poor Disa, the actress and the character both deserve to do more than spouting stereotypical “Scottish” sounding lines!

Even if the Númenóreans were less sympathetic if they openly yearned for immortality, their perspective and hostility towards Elves would make a lot more sense than “the Elves are gonna take our jobs” or whatever…

Isildur, his OC sister and her OC maybe-love interest are all wasting my time with their personal drama and angst. @ the writers: please stop wasting screentime on this!!!

Time passes differently depending on where you are in Arda, I guess? That, or the Dwarvish craftsmen in Eregion have superpowers.

No Nori at all. :(

I know it’s nitpicky af, but as a history lover, there’s something too historical/not fantastical enough about this Númenor. The design borrows heavily from classical Greece with a helping of Byzantine aesthetics and, confusingly, some generic “medieval” elements thrown in as well…overall, it just doesn’t mesh convincingly with the rest of show. It’s beautiful but imo it feels too grounded real-world motifs.

“Partings”

“I’m peril.” Sadface! Nori and I love you, not-Gandalf.

Listen, I understand exactly why people don’t like the Harfoots. I just do like them, contradictions, clumsy dialogue and all.

Poppy’s song is a real treat! It feels like something Bilbo might have written. No Tolkien adaptation other than the Rankin-Bass films has ever featured enough singing. As anyone who’s read LOTR knows, songs are ubiquitous and inescapable in Middle-earth.

Maps!

Why in the world do the Harfoots migrate THIS far every year? No wonder so many of them keep dying! And the Brandyfoots have definitely become separated from the rest of their village by now…

Overall, a delightful opening five minutes.

Weird “witch” (?) characters, Orc subplot… I’m using the fast-forward option liberally.

Who nominated Bronwyn to be in charge of the Southlanders?

Nitpick alert: We see some other women wearing the same spaghetti-strap style dress that Bronwyn has—good consistency—but why is hers the only one with any color? Some are black, and it’s not like black dye is easier/less expensive to get than blue…

The conniving tavernkeep guy instantly wins over half of the people who were willing to “stand and fight” with Bronwyn thirty seconds earlier. Lol.

I just like to look at him.

Oh no! Mean Daddy Elendil is Disappointed in poor Isildur. It’s a good thing Elendil’s easy on the eyes, because this is dismal. (Maybe it’s supposed to echo Denethor and Faramir, but to me it’s just giving teen drama.)

I don’t buy Halbrand’s Jon Snow “I don’t want it” routine, and neither should Galadriel.

It makes no sense that the Harfoots are willing to leave five or six of their own to die to avoid “making a widow or an orphan” of someone else. Sure, the needs of the many—but there’s no real evidence that the Brandyfoots are endangering anyone.

Not-Gandalf coming to Nori’s rescue…my heart…

Galadriel’s definitely into Elendil. (And who can blame her?)

The swordfighting scene was a little silly. That’s okay, though. I don’t hate fun, and it’s not unreasonable that a millennia-old Elf would be able to show up some overconfident human teenagers.

“When all this is over, the Elves will take orders from us.” How does Al-Pharazôn figure that? Yes, he will eventually take power and lead Númenor to ruin, but someone needs to tell the writers that this is not Game of Thrones.

Too bad the dialogue is leaving something to be desired.

People who haven’t read the Silmarillion are still wondering who tf Aulë is (and now Manwë, too).

How does Durin, a future king, expect to find out what the Elves are “up to” if he can’t be a little more tactful/diplomatic than accusing them of thievery?

“The ore containing the light of the lost Silmaril.” lmfao, WHAT. That’s…ridiculous.

Why and how would mithril—even if it did contain the light of a Silmaril—help heal the blighted tree in Lindon?! Be serious, writers…

More teen drama and hijinks with Isildur…you can go to the bathroom or get a snack without pausing any of this and miss almost nothing.

“This mithril is our only salvation?” It sure fucking isn’t! Why would the Elves even think so? The thing about the Elven-warrior-and-the-Balrog story is that most of these Elves would’ve been alive when it supposedly happened and should therefore know whether or not it’s just mythical nonsense (which it is lol)!

“We believe that if we can secure vast quantities of it quickly, enough to saturate every last Elf in the light of the Valar once more—” Except that doesn’t make any sense. What are they even talking about!!!

I’ve been coming around to this Elrond, but he’s leaning way too hard on the whole “sad puppy eyes brimming with tears” shtick this episode.

Me, currently rereading the Silmarillion: actually, Galadriel had more than one brother (sorry, Orodreth, Angrod, and Aegnor…none of you matter ig).

“They could not longer distinguish me from the evil I was fighting.” ??? ? ? ????? What?

Whether it’s the lighting, the direction, the writing, or Morfydd herself (most likely, a combination of all of them), the delivery and facial acting in this scene…ain’t doing it for me.

“We’re bowing down to the evil bloodthirsty orcs we just fled from because we’re scared and it’s obviously the only way to save ourselves” is a cop out and lazy writing! So is the idea that the Southlanders might somehow be more susceptible to evil by nature.

“Without [mithril], my kind must either abandon these shores by next spring or perish.” This is such utter, arbitrary bullshit. By next spring?!? Five episodes in, I’m coming to a full understanding of why this show pissed people off at last. To me, this is almost worse than the Halbrand subplot.

“Our immortal souls will dwindle into nothing.” And they believe this why? Based on what???

So pretty, and for what?

oh my GOD, they really did everything in their power to make him look like Viggo Mortensen!Aragorn here and I SCREAMED (not in a good way).

Don’t worry, Isildur’s OC sister: your dad and insufferable brother both have impenetrable plot armor.

Speaking of armor, this is truly hideous.

It’s great that the opening five minutes of this episode were so enjoyable, because the rest of it was a HOT MESS.

The Good:

Visuals: some gorgeous landscapes + the beauty of the Lindon set design is still breathtaking. A couple of really good costumes, though fewer standouts than in previous episodes.

Poppy’s walking song ♥

I admit it: the banter between Durin and Elrond is charming.

Not-Gandalf and Nori’s scenes (until the last one) are very sweet. I love that, for her, he’s the hero she sees in him.

I like Elendil and Galadriel’s faces.

The Bad:

Everything else!!!

Al-Pharazôn’s political scheming/machinations and Tar-Míriel second-guessing herself are just pointless filler, as is almost everything that we see in Númenor (though the teen angst plotlines of Elendil’s children are still the worst).

The Southlands subplot(s) are almost unwatchable. They’re boring and depressing—so, the opposite of why I love Tolkien. Frankly, I don’t give a shit what happens to Brownyn, her kid, Arondir, or any of them at this point.

Halbrand. I wish they’d reveal the twist already instead of trying to make him seem like this dangerous but sympathetic dude with amnesia who just wants to start over in Númenor or whatever.

The unexplained three witches/priestesses/whatever they were supposed to be

What the HELL is going on with the Lindon/Khazad-dûm subplot?! Mithril contains the light of a Silmaril and therefore of the Trees and therefore of the Valar? And that residual light will then heal all the Elves, all of whom are suddenly sick/fading??? WHAT were they thinking?! This is not based in any kind of lore or even any internal logic informed by the lore. It’s awful nonsense inspired by the fact that the Elves were indeed fading—at the end of the Third Age, i.e., thousands of years after the events of this series! TROP features not only legacy characters, but also legacy character dynamics (i.e., an odd couple Elf/Dwarf friendship, not-Gandalf and the Harfoots, a disapproving father and the son trying to impress him) and now legacy subplots, because why not?

More bad dialogue, and the acting is leaving a lot to be desired. Good-to-great acting can elevate mediocre writing; the combination of mediocre acting and mediocre writing is a lot less enjoyable.

This was the worst episode so far by a significant margin and the first one to make me actually upset with the changes they’ve made. Unfortunately, I don’t expect it to be the last.

[pizzaqueen]

Movies I think Eddie would like and make Steve watch part one of whatever (because there are so many movies I could list!)

Conan the Barbarian (“Why isn’t he wearing pants?” “He’s a Barbarian!” “Barbarians don’t wear pants?” “No. Just shut up and watch the movie!”

Excalibur (Steve is very confused by this one)

The Lord of the Rings (1978) and probably also the Rankin Bass Hobbit

Krull

Friday the 13th (all of them up to whichever of the 300 they made had been released by whenever Eddie starts making Steve watch his fave movies)

Prom Night (Steve is baffled by the disco dance scene)

Night of the Living Dead (“I know it’s black and white but, trust me! And then we can watch Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead - I never got to finish that one, the theater at the mall lost power!”)

The Return of the Living Dead

Deathstalker (not the most obvious choice, and I was going to remove it but the app won’t let me without starting a whole new post lol but it’s totally dumb and ridiculous so why not?! Steve, once again, questions the lack of pants ETA: wait I think I misremembered because of the poster but there are pants in this one! But also cropped scale armor tops which I think both Steve and Eddie have issues with lol)

The Thing

Not pictured:

A lot of slashers because there were so. Damn. Many and I love them all but if anyone wants a more complete list, let me know! And a lot are the more popular ones everyone probably knows anyway. Plus I can only add 10 images! And also a lot of fantasy films I haven’t yet seen and some cult movies like The Warriors (maybe?) (but this is only part one like I said!)

A couple of other things:

Steve is kind of annoyed when they get to the end of The Lord of the Rings and it’s not finished and Eddie tells him there’s no follow up. He just sat through two hours of a weird as hell cartoon and doesn’t even get to know how it ends? (But then Eddie tells him and, honestly, Steve finds Eddie’s retelling way more entertaining than the movie was!)

Basically: Eddie loves horror movies (not a very original take, I know) and fantasy, especially sword and sorcery and tries to make Steve watch as many of them as he possibly can! The ones I’ve listed above mostly had VHS releases before or during 1986, but bootlegs were a thing so even if Family Video didn’t have copies of these I’m sure Eddie would’ve found them somewhere or maybe Steve slips a few onto their orders

Also, I left off the NoES movies because I feel like Eddie might think they hit too close to home after everything (& with one of the characters being called Nancy, it might be a bit sensitive for Steve) but I do think he likes them too!

(Oh and I know Eddie liking Rocky Horror is very popular but I’m still undecided on whether I think he’d like it or not - it’s *my* fave movie but yeah, I don’t know if I think Eddie would be into it at this point, you know? I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way! But as it’s very popular I felt I should mention it. Sorry if it sounds rude! Just my little ol’ humble - undecided - opinion lol I’m also undecided on Spinal Tap - I think some metalheads found it offensive but then some thought it was hilarious so idk)

[ultralightpoe]

Makeup Artist Part 2 - Stephen Strange

Description: Steohen is learning 

Authors Note: Short and sweet, just how I like it. I AM HAVING A MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS EVENT FOR ITS RELEASE, SEND IN SOME REQUESTS FOR WANDA AND STEPHEN

Warnings: NONE

Word Count:726

MAIN Master List - - Marvel Master List

(PART ONE HERE)

“Do. Not. Move.” Stephen warns, voice low as he stares down at you, eyes hardened and cold. You do your best not to laugh at your husband, you really do, but you just can’t help the giggle that falls from your lips at his hard stare. “It’s not funny Y/n.”

“It kind of is, Stephen.” You laugh, head shaking at his antics. “I didn’t tell you to move when I did it!” “Yeah well you are a natural and I’m not, I also have a disadvantage with my hands-”

“Disadvantage my ass, you used to do surgery. Wing liner is no problem”

It was Friday night, which meant that you and your husband would be spending the night in ordering take out and watching a cheap rom com followed by some dumb action movie to make Stephen happy. It also meant you would do each others makeup. 

This habit might sound weird to some and or plain out wrong to others, but it was something you soon realized your husband loved. Learning this craft was becoming an obsession and you knew Stephen was desperate to perfect everything he does. 

Which led to today, you started by showing him the look you wanted on him and he would follow. The problem was the wing liner. 

Stephen hadn’t yet perfected the smooth movement of it. You had told him that most don’t and it was quite hard, he had told you that he was Stephen friggin strange and he would get it. 

“What did Tony say earlier when he found out about our Friday routine?” You smile. Stephen was very open about getting his makeup done, and you knew that some would tease him for it unrelentlessly.

“He thought it was absolutely ridiculous, then I told him how much sex I am having and he thought it was absolutely brilliant. “ He smirks, tracing the line on your eye as you sit still. Once he is done with the initial trace he leans back to look at his work. 

You take this second to watch him, watch how his face inspects each aspect of his work and he stares at you. 

“You’re staring at me.” He mumbles, grabbing your chin to kiss your forehead.

“You were staring at me actually.” You counter, pushing him off teasingly. 

“I was inspecting my work…… and admiring my precious is all.” 

“You’re precious? You been watching hobbit lately?”

“I read the book silly.” He laughs, “And the Lord of the Rings books. Speaking of, did you finish the book I got you the other day?”

“No. It was long.” You answer truthfully, moving to grab the eyeliner and fix what he had done. He watches from the mirror, inspecting what you were doing.

“You thought it was boring.”

“I did not.”

“You did. Which is fine, even I thought it was a bit boring.”

“Then why did you give it to me.”

“Because I like watching you pass out after reading. Like the dead, dearest.” He laughs, spinning you back around. “Okay. Lashes.”

He glues them carefully, letting them sit for a moment before placing them on you, face hardened in concentration once more. He’s almost finished when the bell goes off. “There is the food. I’ll be back.”

He disappears from sight as Wong comes around the corner. “Order any for me?”

“Of course.” You laugh, standing up to clean up the mess. “Stephen is going to wash his face before we eat though. So you can set up the table.”

“Okay mom.”

“Shut up Wong.” You snap, laughing a little while you try to be serious. “Speaking of mom…..any word of Wanda?”

“None. But she will turn up. You know it.” Wong sighs, Stephen coming around right after.

“Y/n stop asking about Wanda. We had a deal for fridays-”

“I know I know.” You sigh as he smiles. 

“Since you broke the rule you know that means I get tv privileges right?”

“That’s not fair!”

“Not fair? It’s your rule!”

“Whatever.”

You ended up watching legally blonde that night, much to his chagrin. But he stopped complaining when you cuddled into his side and passed out quite quickly, just as you had every friday. 

He, as per usual, waited until he knew you were out cold before switching the channel. What you didn’t know wouldn’t affect you right? 

[dragonjadearts]

The problem with the idea of trying to prescribe realism to a dragon is that on the size that most fiction give them, they would have to not only have hollow bones like birds but they couldn’t possibly have scales that are as tough as fiction allows. This is why when discussing flight mechanism I always handwave as “Dragons have magic” in my head. Specifically as the square-cube law would indicate that a creature of that size A) Wouldn't be able to sustain itself and B) would end up crushing itself under it's own weight.

The same for firebreathing, however I DID enjoy how Terry Pratchett had his swamp dragons, in that they can rearrange their "internal plumbing", guts, stomach, other miscellaneous tubes, to make the best use of what they have eaten, and to make the hottest flame they can (With the unfortunate side effect of being as unstable as a moonshine still.)

Now going beyond that, I have a few responses to your ideas!

The first and most common offender is the length of the wing membrane. The function of the membrane is (more or less) to catch the wind/air and act as a giant sail to lift the creature into the sky. This is why it’s SO bothersome when the membrane on dragon designs only attaches to the tiniest part of the dragon’s torso, most of the time it doesn’t ever go past their hips! This is unrealistic! They need the lift provided by the wings to hoist their rear ends into the sky and support their tails, especially of they’re particularly back-heavy, which a lot of dragons probably would be. Generally speaking, most dragons should have membranes that extend all the way to at LEAST halfway down their tail-lengths in order to provide the necessary support while flying

You mean like this?

If the wings are ever smaller than this, than someone is doing something seriously wrong.

Also something inside of me chuckled with the phrase “Back heavy Dragons”

Another annoyance to look out for are the elbow spikes. While elbow spikes look cool in theory, they present a LOT of issues when it comes to flying (not the least of which is how not to stab yourself when folding your wings). Dragons would probably fly one of two ways: like a giant pterosaur gliding off of warm updrafts on sail-like wings, or genuine powered flight.

I always liked the idea of there being dragons that did both, so certain dragon species were more often to glide off and others that had the full proper genuine powered flight where they could take off from a stand-still

Can you explain the elbow spikes thing a bit more? I’m not exactly sure what you’re meaning by that.

The final annoying thing (I promise I’m almost done, I’m just a huge nerd I’m so sorry) is the broken fingers dilemma.

Don’t put yourself down like that. I enjoyed reading your response.

I'm looking at Smaug here, mostly, but he's not the only dragon to do this

I haven’t seen the live action hobbit movie, as I have a certain hatred for books being turned into movies (Actually, funnily enough this cermented after the LOTR movies came out) but looking at pictures, that’s a Wyvern which while they are dragons, they aren’t Dragons, I can’t really explain it any better than that.

We can see that the wing is actually more or less one really long and weirdly-shaped hand with a regular wrist, and fingers that extend outwards from that. Most dragons typically feature a claw-like “thumb.”

Oh I know what you mean with this one! I’m guessing people look at a winged creature and their brain goes “How can they walk without hands on the wings.” then proceed to give them something that wouldn’t actually help.

A lot of people design dragons, wyverns in particular, like birds when they should really be designing Wyverns like bats, or pterodactals as you mentioned

Okay okay, I don’t know if any of this is decipherable out of my nonsensical rambling, but I’ve got to get ready for class now, so my thoughts on fire-breathing will have to wait until later lol

I would love to hear your explaination regarding fire breathing!

In response to your other ask, it's totally fine with me either way if you respond with asks or reblogs! It's totally up to you!

And I agree, a lot of trying to ascribe "realism" to dragons is hand-wavey at best and downright impossible at worst, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try and at least draw inspiration from real-life sources, if not for the sake of perfectly accurate realism than at least for fun!

As for the elbow spikes, I'm talking about these kinds of things here

In theory, the most logical thing for them to be is an extension of the olecranon, which is the curved part of the ulna that extends off the end of the bone. It serves as a lever for extending the arm and as a start for the tricep muscles. Having a big bony spike sticking off the back end of it would seriously limit the dragon's range of movement in terms of flight, and with already dodgy physics, the poor dragon needs all the help it can get. No need to make it more difficult than it needs to be

Also, as a side note. Most of the dragons I'm showing are technically "wyverns," however there's a fundamental flaw with the attempts to morphologically classify dragons into subsets, species, and trying to determine what are "true dragons." Most people tend to consider a true dragon as having four legs for walking, two wings, big, and the ability to breathe fire. However, if we look across mythos and history, historically a "dragon" was really just a massive and really mean snake (Ladon from greek myths, Aphophis from Egypt, Jormagundr from Norse myths, etc.). Trying to classify dragons into subsets like wyverns, lindwyrms, real dragons, etc is an uphill battle because there has never really been a set definition for dragon, especially when one takes into consideration the larger world and their historical and current concepts of dragons.

Additionally speaking, the classic "wyvern" is actually a much more feasible model for what a dragon could look like if it had evolved on our planet thousands or millions of years ago. Modern-day ancestors of mammals and reptiles never evolved to have more than four-functioning limbs at once. Mainly because it's biologically tricky to fit all those bones and muscles in the same place and get them to actually work together the way they're supposed to. The only mammal we have to really do a double-take on to break this rule is the kangaroo, who has a tail that functions almost as a fifth limb in terms of movement. But this is the only significant outlier. Other than that, the only other examples of creatures with six or more legs are bugs which, while they can get to be quite large, are vastly different from the mammal and reptile sources that we usually draw on to conceptualize dragons.

Alright, on to fire-breathing shall we?

Looking at the animal kingdom, we don't actually get a lot of references to draw from (huge surprise I know). There are some bugs that can propel an acid that feels like a burning sensation to human skin. Skunks can contract the glands that contain an oily musk to spray it at threats. And many animals produce methane (a highly flammable gas) as a biproduct of digestion with cows being able to produce significant quantities of it.

The most reasonable approach to fire-breathing is just a really flammable burp. Basically, a dragon would have a second "stomach" to collect gasses from digestion and store them. When threatened (or feeling particularly violent) they could burp out those gases. To ignite them, some people have suggested that dragons could have flint-like teeth that they grind together to create sparks (think Hideous Zippleback from HTTYD, just all on one head). Another possible option is dragons producing a gas that is so flammable that it ignites on contact with air. There are certainly gases that could do this, the only issue would be storing them safely so the dragon doesn't accidentally set its own innards on fire.

Another theory is that the dragons could produce separate chemicals, perhaps storing them in pouches in their cheeks or jaws or necks, and releasing them so that, when combined, they create an explosive fireball. This does have some precedence - at least in theory. There are several chemical experiments that combine two separate chemicals, add some amount of various acids, and you create combustion. This also has the added bonus of being a bit safer for the dragon, as separately the components are more or less harmless so it wouldn't have to worry about setting itself on fire quite as much. Also, whatever acid is required for the reaction to occur we could say could be produced by the dragon's stomach naturally.

One thing that could be used to produce fire in dragons is powdered magnesium. In the right conditions, it can ignite on contact with air, it burns remarkably hot, and is very difficult to put out. The issues here once again come with being able to store it without setting the dragon on fire. Additionally this one also comes with the issue of how to produce it naturally. It's not totally impossible, but it does have some required workarounds

I'd love to hear your theories on fire-breathing if you have them!

[evco-productions]

Jack Reacher’s Height Does NOT Matter (Repost from Quora)

How many times have you watched a movie based on a book and said to yourself, “Yeah, the book was a lot better”?

Here’s a little bit of a deeper question: how many times have you asked yourself why the book was better?

See, I think people tend to get caught up on the wrong things when comparing books and their film or television adaptations. Take Jack Reacher for example.

Now Amazon Prime just released the first season of its version of Reacher—which, by the way, is really good—but I’m talking about the Tom Cruise movies.

When the first of Tom Cruise’s two Jack Reacher movies came out, I was twelve years old and I’d never read a Jack Reacher novel. I didn’t know why anyone wouldn’t like that movie, until I figured out that in the books Jack Reacher is like seven feet tall with arms the size of tree trunks. And Tom Cruise…isn’t. So, for people who are fans of that book series, this really pissed them off.

“Tom Cruise can’t be Jack Reacher! That’s like making Spider-Man black!”

It’s not that I don’t understand where they’re coming from. If you picture a character looking a certain way for a long time, it’s probably a little frustrating to see the exact opposite of that in the visual adaptation. But if you can have the self-control to set aside that one little hang-up for just a minute…Jack Reacher is a good movie.

The second one sucks, I’ll give you that. But the first one is entertaining. I’ve always especially liked how it functions as a kind of antithesis to the Mission: Impossible movies. Tom Cruise plays a similar character in both series, but while the Mission: Impossibles are all about going to exotic locations and performing increasingly insane stunts, Jack Reacher is a little more grounded, a little more subdued. It’s a nice change of pace in terms of the style of the action sequences.

But I digress. The point I want to come back to is that aside from the physical description of Jack Reacher himself, nothing about the movie seems to compromise the integrity of the original story. That doesn’t mean nothing else was changed, it just means if there were any changes, they didn’t ruin the movie.

Think about The Lord of the Rings movies. You think those contain every scene from the books exactly how they were written, or did they maybe take a few creative liberties?

“But they didn’t make the hobbits six feet tall, did they?”

As it stands, The Lord of the Rings is a fantasy series, so the height of hobbits or dwarves is not a preference but a necessity to the world-building. Jack Reacher is just a guy, in what is meant to be a realistic world, and his height does not affect key aspects of the story unless specific scenes are written around it.

When it comes to adapting a book into a movie, getting variables like a character’s height correct is much less important than keeping the same themes and tone of the source material. This is why adaptations like The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Stand by Me work so well. They may not look exactly the same on the outside, but they have the same heart and soul. They preserve this key sense of familiarity that keeps fans of the books from being alienated despite a few small changes here and there.

If both Tom Cruise’s first Jack Reacher movie and the new Reacher show are entertaining—and they both are—then what is the logical conclusion? The character’s height is trivial.

Don’t get me wrong, as much as I love movies, I love books too, and sometimes I wish I could see just one adaptation of a favorite book that plays out scene for scene, word for word, exactly how the author originally wrote it. But at that point, it’s less the fault of any one specific movie and more indicative of the limits of the medium. As a visual art, movies can’t do everything that books can do, and vice versa.

When you think about it, it’s pretty awesome we often see the same stories told in both book and movie format, because that means we get to experience those stories in two unique ways and weigh the pros and cons of each. See you next time.

[guardianofrivendell]

Dwarves Always Knock Thrice

Requested: Yes and no. @estethell​ challenged me to write a modern AU with Fíli and Kíli knocking at the reader’s door instead of Bilbo’s by mistake. I interpreted it as a ‘what if Fíli and Kíli end up in modern day Europe?’

Warnings: none so far, I wrote this with a fem!reader (sorry! I try to write more gender neutral in the future, I promise)

Summary: What if one day your favorite fictional characters knock on your door? A modern AU with a twist! (any similarities to what I would do in this case are purely coincidental 😏)

A/N: Yes, yes, I know. There are hundreds of fics like this one. But none of them were written by me and my weird sense of humor 😆 Depending on the response I’ll turn this into a multichapter fic, if not this will stay a standalone oneshot. 

Humming a rather cheerful tune, you pressed the button on top of the coffee machine and your morning fuel started dripping into your favorite cup. You waited patiently until the foam reached the edge and then you turned the machine off. With the cup held between your hands, you inhaled deeply. Nothing like the smell of fresh coffee for a perfect start of the day.

A few minutes ago your boyfriend had left to go to work, only to see him again by the end of next week. He was going on a citytrip with your group of friends for a few days, which had been planned ages ago.  You were supposed to go with them, but unfortunately, you didn’t have any vacation days left. No, it was back to work for you instead. 

Not that you minded. You loved your job, and you were lucky enough to be able to work from home when you wanted to. It didn’t actually feel like work that way. At least you had decent coffee, you didn’t have to dress up and you could take a break whenever you wanted.  And now with your boyfriend gone for the week, you had no interruptions and lots of quiet evenings to look forward to. Cheers to that, you thought while you sipped at your coffee. 

The dinner table became your makeshift workplace, coffee within reach. There were no video meetings scheduled today so you were wearing your favorite pair of black leggings and a long oversized knitted sweater, with fluffy socks on your feet to complete your comfy outfit. 

You moved your computer mouse and your laptop sprung to life.  James, your Sphynx cat, hopped on the table and pushed his head in your hand, demanding cuddles.

“Another day at the office, how dreadful,” you smiled, petting him behind his ear. James purred and started to bathe himself. 

He was a Sphynx cat, so there was no fur. Nothing but flawless pink skin, soft to the touch. It almost felt like petting a warm peach. You chuckled at the comparison, and James stopped his grooming to look at you. 

“Oh, I’m sorry your Majesty. I’ll let you to it.” 

You booped his nose and got to work. 

After a day of sifting through emails, processing data and editing documents and spreadsheets, you felt utterly exhausted. A phrase your boyfriend likes to throw at you on these moments suddenly came to mind, ‘How can you be so tired when you’ve done nothing but sit down on your ass all day?’ Always the charmer.

You stood up, raised your arms above your head and stretched, groaning in the process. You froze when your stretch session was interrupted by three knocks on your front door. 

“Who still knocks these days?”

It was almost 6 pm, slowly turning dark outside and you’d let the shutters down about an hour ago. It was something you did as soon as the sun was setting. It was silly really, but it made you feel safe. 

But now it prevented you from seeing who was at your door.

The neighbours from down the street wouldn’t come by for a visit, they were the kind of people that liked to keep to themselves. Your parents would call first, so… a polite burglar perhaps?

You couldn’t be too careful these days, especially now, when you were alone, so you went to your intercom first to see who was at the door. 

The camera didn’t show anyone. You could see a part of your front yard, but that was it. Strange… You thought you could hear voices, so maybe there was someone at the door after all. Maybe someone had driven their car into the ditch. Wouldn’t be the first time. You lived in the countryside, with roads where only one car at a time could pass, with ditches on both sides. A challenge for city people, and the occasional daredevil usually had to be towed out of said ditch. 

What’s life without a little risk, you thought, and made your way to the front door. You weren’t the one to turn away from people in need. It would probably get yourself killed one day, you were too kind and gullible and people tended to take advantage of that. 

Another three knocks sounded, a little louder this time and you swung the door open. 

“Finally!”

Your boyfriend rushed inside and shot up the stairs. When you looked to your driveway, you saw his car with the lights on, the motor still running. He was running late again. As usual. 

After a few minutes he thundered down the stairs, his hiking boots in hand. 

“Almost forgot these,” he said while lifting them. He kissed your cheek and ran off.  You sighed. “See you next week, sweet. I’ll miss you.” 

Sarcasm was your way to cope, to learn how to deal with the lack of love and care. Because who were you kidding? He wouldn't miss you. 

You shuffled to your kitchen, in need of something hot. To drink, that is. And while the coffee machine filled your cup for the second time that day, you rubbed your face with your hands trying to think of how you had ended up in this situation in the first place… 

“Just try and enjoy a week by yourself,” you whispered. 

You were about to take a first sip when three knocks sounded for the third time.

“Seriously?”

When you opened the door, you couldn’t stop the massive eyeroll when you saw it was your boyfriend again. 

“Hand me the reservation papers of the hotel, will you? I forgot them and I need the address for the gps,” he said. 

“I sent it in an email to Tom, and I put the address in the gps system yesterday. Now go, you’re late enough as it is. Call me when you get there okay?”

He smiled and kissed your cheek again. 

“Bye! Enjoy your week by yourself!” “I will, don’t worry,” you smiled. 

Before you closed the door there was a bright white flash. You covered your ears on instinct, something you always did when there was a thunderstorm. 

“That was very closeby,” your boyfriend gasped. “They didn’t say anything about a thunderstorm tonight.” “I’m not sure that was lightning… there was no thunder?” “It’s probably nothing to worry about.”

And with those words your boyfriend left for the second time that night. 

After closing the front door with a small heart, you tried to calm yourself.  You were terrified of thunderstorms, and you really didn’t feel like going through one when you were on your own. Let’s just hope he was right and it was nothing, you thought. 

Your coffee…! Taking a sip from the now lukewarm drink, you pondered if you would make it into an Irish or Italian one. Heaven knows you deserved it, right?  With your coffee still in hand you made your way over to the liquor cabinet, only to be interrupted by yet another pair of knocks on the front door.

“I’m going to kill him,” you murmured while you walked into the hallway. “What could he have possibly forgotten this time?”

You swung the door open with a little too much force, but you couldn’t care less by that time. The small amount of patience you had left was already out of the window and you just wanted to enjoy your spiked coffee. 

“What did you forg-?!”

Your voice got caught in your throat when your eyes fell on your visitors. Visitors. As in plural. Definitely not your boyfriend.  You recognized them immediately, there was no doubt who they were but… it couldn’t be! This was simply impossible!

In your shock you forgot you were holding your cup of coffee and it slipped out of your hand. The cup completely shattered on the floor but you hardly noticed. 

Because right in front of you, in the light of your porch light at your very own doorstep, stood Fíli and Kíli. 

As in Fíli and Kíli, nephews to Thorin, King under the Mountain. As in Fíli and Kíli, characters from The Hobbit. Fictional characters. With a heavy emphasis on ‘fictional’. Made up by Tolkien. 

So how the hell was it possible that they were standing in front of you, alive and well?

The two Durin brothers were a bit taken aback so it seemed, because they too remained silent at first. After a few awkward seconds Kíli was the one who decided to speak up instead of his older brother. He was clutching his sword and quiver, just like he did in the movie. 

“Kíli,” he began. He was side eyeing his brother who was still staring at you, and smacked Fíli’s chest when he didn’t respond.  “What?”  “Kíli,” Kíli repeated, pointing at himself and then at his brother who finally caught on. “And Fíli.” “At your service,” they both continued, bowing deeply.

“Y/N, at yours,” you responded without a second thought.  Kíli’s face split into a wide smile.

“We’re looking for master Boggins!” “Yeah, I kind of expected you to say that,” you murmured, but they heard you. “Oh, so you’re a seer?” Kíli assumed excitedly. “No! No, I’m just… me. But there is no mister Baggins here,” you said, correcting Kíli. “Are we at the wrong house?” Fíli wondered.   “I’m afraid so.” “Well… can you help us find him?” Kíli looked at you expectantly.

You sighed. “I would but, I’m afraid it’s a little more complicated than that.”

Both of their faces fell. They were so in character, if someone was pranking you, they did one hell of a job in finding these two actors. And their costumes were spot on, from the carvings on Kíli’s bow to the colour of Fíli’s fur coat. It was scaringly accurate… They looked so much like Dean and Aidan’s version, but not quite. You didn’t know why exactly, but you had the feeling they were real. They were Fíli and Kíli, sons of Dís. 

Fíli stared at you with a confused expression. “What do you mean, my lady?”

Oh. Now, if you weren’t already a little enamored by their looks, the title he just gave you would have. You weren’t exactly used to endearments. 

Not that Fíli had meant as an endearment but you wouldn’t mind if they called you my lady for the rest of your life. It just made you grow a couple of inches. 

“I’m probably going to regret this, but… come in.”  You stepped aside so they could enter the hallway. 

The heavy boots they were wearing made scratching sounds on your tile floor and your mind immediately went to your delicate wooden floors in the rest of your house. 

You were going to sound extremely bossy and uptight but you had to think of your interior. 

“Could you both maybe take off your boots?”

The two brothers looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. 

“If you want?” Fíli asked you. 

“Please.”

You took the swords and quiver from Kíli so he had his hands free and placed them in a corner of your hallway. Fíli followed your example and added his own weapons to the pile. 

“I trust you not to attack us when we’re unarmed,” he winked at you. 

You smiled back at him, knowing all too well he still had some smaller knives hidden somewhere.  For a moment the thought of reenacting the knife scene in Mirkwood crossed your mind, but you thought better of it. He wouldn’t find it as funny as you thought it was and you’d probably lose a finger or two if you tried to take a knife from him. It was best not to challenge him. Yet. 

Once their boots were placed neatly next to their weapons, you motioned them to follow you into your living room. Your eyes drifted to the shards of your coffee mug and the spilled coffee, you needed to clean it up but it simply had to wait.

“I don’t really know how to begin explaining all this,” you said, while waving your arms around you, “but it might be a good idea if we sit down?”

You gestured towards the sitting area and both brothers took a seat on your couch.

It seemed like they didn’t know where to look first.  Their eyes wandered to your tv, surround system, laptop, aquarium, … 

Kíli whispered something in Fíli’s ear, to which the older brother shrugged his shoulders.

“Do you want to drink anything?” you suggested. “I have water, milk, beer, …”

Their eyes lit up when you mentioned the beer, so you nodded your head. 

“Beer it is, although I need to warn you. It’s Belgian beer, so it’s probably a lot stronger than what you guys are used to.”

You mentally facepalmed at your last sentence, why did you even mention that? They didn’t realize they were in a different universe, so mentioning your country would give them zero information. 

“I think we can handle it just fine,” Kíli commented with a smirk. Fíli nodded in agreement.  “Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

After another look at the dwarves on your couch, you disappeared into your kitchen. You fetched two beer glasses out of the dishwasher and two bottles of beer from your fridge, before you noticed how much your hands were shaking.

Okay, Y/N, you need to calm down first… Easy to say when you have two dwarves sitting in your living room. Dwarves! And your favorite dwarves too.  How many times had you imagined this exact moment in your fantasies? In your dreams? 

Of course! That was it…!  You probably fell asleep at your laptop and you were dreaming.  But then why did it feel so real?

Maybe someone was pranking you after all? Nah, that wasn’t likely. Nobody knew you were even in the Tolkien fandom. Let alone who your favorite characters were. 

So it must be a dream... But if you were dreaming, they definitely would have been an exact copy of the movie Fíli and Kíli. As in, Dean and Aidan in costumes. The ones sitting on your couch looked slightly different, still handsome - Mahal, did they look handsome - but you would probably refer to them as discount Dean and Aidan. 

Your small mental breakdown was interrupted when Kili started to scream. 

“What is that?!”

Quickly snatching the bottles and glasses in both of your hands, you hurried back to the Durin princes. 

When you entered your living room, you were met with quite the hilarious view. Tolkien had described Fíli and Kíli as fearless and courageous, but there was nothing courageous about their behaviour right now.Fíli was sitting with his legs pulled up and Kili half on Fili’s back, pointing at James who was trying to jump on Fili’s lap. 

“That’s James, my cat.”

“That’s a cat?!” Kíli yelled. “What did you do to him?”

“Nothing!” you laughed, placing the glasses and bottles on the coffee table. “He’s a sphynx cat, he’s supposed to look like that. They don’t have fur.”

You called James and he immediately ran to you, so you could pick him up. He rubbed his head against your chin and started purring, happy to get some attention. 

You crouched down before the two princes.

“Go ahead, pet him. You don’t have to be scared.” “We’re not scared,” Kíli protested, puffing out his chest.  You smirked and rolled your eyes. “Of course not.”

They were wary at first, but eventually both brothers were petting James. Before you could stop him, James jumped out of your arms on Fíli’s lap and curled up against the fur of his coat. 

Fíli froze and tried his best not to let it show that he wasn’t comfortable with this at all. Next to him, Kíli had the hardest time keeping a straight face, biting his lip in an attempt to stifle his chuckles but his shoulders were already shaking with laughter. 

You poured their beer and placed it in front of them. 

“Like I said, it’s pretty strong so small sips. Do you want me to take James away?” Fíli shook his head. “I-it’s fine!”

You took a seat on your other couch and anxiously started to rub your thighs. 

“So… like I said, I don’t really know how to explain this but I think I know what happened to you.” “Wait… did something happen to us? I don’t understand?” Kíli asked, raising his eyebrows in confusion.

Oh, right. They didn’t realise they were in a different universe right now. Maybe you should take a different approach. 

“Can you tell me what happened before you knocked on my door?”

Kíli took the two glasses and gave one to his brother before he took a gulp, humming appreciatively. 

“I like this,” he said. “And to answer your question, we traveled to the Shire and knocked on the door with the mark. And here we are!” “But… my door doesn’t have a mark?”

It was Fíli’s turn to roll his eyes. “Kee, you’re not telling the whole story. But you’re right about this,” he smiled while raising his glass, taking another sip. “This is good stuff.”

You chuckled when you saw some foam sticking to his mustache.  He raised an eyebrow at you. “What’s so funny?”

“I have enough beer in the fridge, you don’t have to save some for later,” you laughed, pointing at your own lip to get the message across. 

Fíli quickly wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve. The movement made James shift in his lap and the Dwarf went rigid again.  You decided not to say anything about it, you figured maybe Fili didn’t like cats that much. Or just James. 

“So what did Kíli leave out?” “Your door wasn’t the first one we knocked on. There was a round, green door in the Shire. And that one had the mark of Gandalf. He’s a wizard.”

You nodded. So far it went exactly like it should. Shire, green door, mark. 

“But when we knocked on it, we found ourselves in a field all of a sudden. And your house was the only one around so we figured that was where we were supposed to be. Since Gandalf is a wizard, you never know what to expect.”

Okay, that was different. It almost sounded as if they went through a portal of some sort. Like a portkey? They touched the portkey and traveled to a different universe? But portkeys weren’t part of Middle Earth, that was Harry Potter. Did they have something similar?

“You’re not in Middle Earth anymore,” you said softly. 

Both brothers stared at you with wide eyes, their beer long forgotten. Kíli looked at his older brother, and pulled at his sleeve.

“What does she mean by that?”

Fíli kept his eyes fixed on your face, searching your features to see if you were lying. If you were trying to prank them. 

“It means that you traveled between different worlds. In my world, where you’re in right now, Middle Earth is fictional. A story. It doesn't exist. Just like my world doesn’t exist where you’re from.” “I don’t believe you,” Kíli said with a frown. 

You had expected this. It’s not like you would’ve believed them if you were in their place. 

“Look around,” you tried to explain, “you can see things you recognize. The furniture, me being a human, … But you can also see things that you don’t understand. They are from this world.”

“You said Middle Earth was a story to you?” Fíli asked you.  “Yes. There are tales about Middle Earth, and Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits, the race of Men, … Orcs, wargs, goblins,” you explained, careful not to mention anything about their storyline or the one with the One Ring. “But I’ve never thought it could be real.”

They stayed silent for a few moments, letting it all sink in. 

“How… How do we get back to Middle Earth?” Fili wondered.  “I’m sorry, I really don’t know. But I’m going to help you find your way back. We’ll figure something out.” 

You played with your fingers, a telltale sign you were nervous.

“And in the meantime you can stay here... With me.”

A/N: There you go... This is the setup for a possible new multichapter fic if people are interested in it.   Just think of the two brothers in a modern day kitchen and bathroom, how the reader tries to cope with her fictional crush in her home and... how will they get back to Middle Earth? Would you be interested to read that? Let me know!  And of course let me know what you thought of this story :) 

A/N part 2: Sometimes tumblr switches paragraphs for no reason at all, if you notice this happened, send me a message! I’ll try and keep an eye on it myself, but some help is always appreciated.

Permanent taglist: @roosliefje​ @kata1803​ @artsywaterlily​ @entishramblings​ @sleepy-daydream-in-a-rose​ @marvelschriss​ @kumqu4t​ @myrin1234​ @dark-angel-is-back​ @the-fandoms-georgie​ @lathalea​ @xxbyimm​ @sokkasdarling​ @katethewriter​ @aredhel-of-gondolin​ @leethology​ @thepeanutcollective @elvish-sky​

Kíli taglist: @elles-writing​ @sxperncturalimpala67​

[fruitcoops]

After the wedding, coops plays the newly wed game and Marlene is just like 😍😍

The newlywed game is so cute and Neil Patrick Harris did one with his husband a few years ago that is just adorable. SW credit goes to @lumosinlove!

“Welcome back, Lions!” Marlene said with a broad smile. “After a brief summertime hiatus, we’re back with Captain Sirius Black and our brand-new winger, Remus Lupin. Do you guys want to tell the viewers why you’re here?”

“You threatened us,” Remus said.

“Also, we got married,” Sirius added, holding up his left hand.

“Oh, yeah, that too.”

Marlene rolled her eyes as they turned to her with matching grins. “You two are hopeless. You’re here today to play the newlywed game, which will test how well you know each other. I’ll be asking each of you eleven questions that the other person has already answered, and you get a point for each answer that matches. Does that make sense?”

Remus gave her a thumbs-up. “Crystal clear.”

“Loops, because you slandered my good name earlier, you’re going first. I hope your husband wins.”

“Oh, I will,” Sirius promised, kicking the leg of Remus’ chair lightly as he tapped his cue cards on his thighs. “Alright, first one: what did we do on our first date?”

“Pizza at Sid’s,” Remus answered.

Sirius held up a small posterboard with ‘pizza’ written on it. “Correct! What was the last thing we bickered about?”

Remus thought for a moment. “You answered these today, right?”

“Yeah, honey, we did this in adjacent rooms,” Sirius laughed.

“Right, sorry. In that case, it was parallel parking because there weren’t any spots outside the building.”

“Correct! If our love life was a candy bar, what would it be?”

Remus frowned. “What?”

“If our love life was a candy bar, what would it be?” Sirius repeated with a devilish smile. “What, you don’t know this one?”

“Shit, what would you say to this?” Remus muttered. “Um…hell, I don’t know, a Snickers?”

The smile slipped off Sirius’ face. “Are you kidding me?”

“Did I get it right?” Remus’ eyes widened when Sirius held up the posterboard with ‘Snickers’ scrawled across it, and pumped both fists in the air. “Ha! I don’t even care who wins now!”

“Good, because it’s going to be me. Next question: If I could describe you in one word, what would it be?”

“If you could describe me?” Remus exhaled slowly. “That’s tough. Uh, chatty?”

“What?” Sirius asked through his laughter. “Chatty?”

“It’s true!”

“I said ‘sweet’!” He showed the board to the camera and they both burst out laughing. “Jesus, who do you think I am? Just rolling up to Marlene like, ‘hey, did you know my husband talks a lot?’”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“You’ve only made it through four questions,” Marlene informed them, clearly amused.

“What is your weirdest quirk?” Sirius read off the board.

Remus paused. “Like, what do I think my weirdest quirk is?”

“I think so. It threw me off at first, too.”

“This is not grammar correction hour,” Marlene called.

“I think my weirdest quirk is that I can’t end stairs on my left foot,” Remus said after a moment. “I’ll skip a step if I have to.”

Sirius hummed. “I didn’t even think of that one.”

“What did you put?”

“Pre-game superstitions.”

“Hypocrite,” Remus said with a grin.

“Perhaps. Who is my celebrity crush?”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure you want me to tell them?”

“It’s not that weird!”

“Freddie Mercury.”

“That is a little odd,” Marlene agreed when he showed the board.

Sirius looked between them in disbelief. “Why?”

Marlene snorted. “Because the person you married is basically the exact opposite.”

“There’s a difference between thinking someone’s hot and wanting to marry them.”

Remus pouted slightly. “You don’t think I’m hot?”

“Oh my god,” Sirius groaned. “Next question. What is my favorite book?”

“The Hobbit.”

“Nope.”

“Three Musketeers?”

“Nope.”

“Winnie the Pooh?”

“What the fuck?” Sirius laughed. “It’s To Kill A Mockingbird. Marlene, can I skip the next one?”

Remus leaned closer. “Well, now I’m curious.”

“Which of us would win at Trivial Pursuit?”

“Oh, baby, I would wipe the floor with you.”

He sighed heavily. “Yeah, I know. If I needed a lift at 3 am, who would I call?”

“James.”

“Yep. What is my silliest fear?” There was a brief pause. “Really? I thought this was one of the easier ones.”

“There are several to choose from,” Remus mused. “But I think you would say your silliest fear is dishsoap bubbles.”

Sirius held the final board up. “Unfortunately, you’re correct. They’re all slimy and gross. Last question: what is our favorite activity to do together?”

A smile twitched at Remus’ lips for half a second before he regained his poker face. “I would say hockey, but I think it’s actually road trips.”

“Incorrect,” Sirius said smugly.

“We literally had this conversation two days ago. What did you put down?”

He flipped the board around. “Movie night. You’re not entirely wrong about road trips, but bonus points helped you win last time, so I’m never doing that again.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Remus waved him off, as if he wasn’t having the time of his life. “Okay, number one: who is the better driver?”

“Me,” Sirius said without hesitation.

“Indeed. What did I wear on our first date?”

Sirius bit his lip in concentration. “You wore jeans and a sweater. Your green one, right?”

Remus glanced to the camera, clearly stunned, then held up his board. “Yeah, you nailed it.”

They high-fived and Sirius leaned back in his chair, grinning. “You thought you were so smart with that Snickers answer, huh? I know things, sweetheart!”

“Who is the tidiest?” Remus continued with a faint blush on his cheeks.

“Me, but you clean more often.”

“True. Who is the funniest?”

“You.” Remus shook his head and Sirius gave him an offended look. “You’re way funnier than I am!”

“We’re funny in different ways,” Remus conceded. “You make really good puns, but I’m just sarcastic and people think I’m kidding. Who does the most cooking?”

“You, for sure.”

“Marley, these questions are too easy. You’re rigging the game against me.” Remus shot her a teasing glare as he set the used boards on the ground. “What is my ideal date?”

“Going to the bookstore and staying there for at least four hours.”

“I don’t know about four hours—”

“Re, I love you, but that is exactly what we did last weekend.”

Remus hesitated, then nodded. “Fair. What is my favorite junk food?”

“You are an Oreo hound. We have, what, three boxes stashed in the house right now?”

“Five,” Remus muttered.

Sirius’ jaw went a little slack. “Where? I only saw three in the pantry.”

“I’m not telling you, you’ll steal them!”

He turned to Marlene with a disbelieving look and she shrugged. “Hey, I’m just here to moderate. This is reality tv for me.”

“If I was a Disney princess, who would I be?” Remus asked before things could devolve further.

“Belle, obviously.”

“Hell yeah. What do I think your best feature is?”

“Again with the wording,” Sirius sighed. “Hmm. You’re always messing with my hair.”

“It is very soft,” Remus agreed. “But that’s the wrong answer. I think you have the prettiest eyes.”

His cheeks went pink. “Really?”

“Babe, I’ve told you this a million times,” Remus laughed.

“Still.”

He shook his head and moved on to the next question. “Which of us has the worst handwriting?”

Sirius frowned. “Neither of us has bad handwriting.”

“Which one is worse than the other?” Marlene clarified.

“You, maybe?” he guessed. “I really like your handwriting, though.”

“Yeah, I put myself for that one. It’s kind of a weird half-cursive with a bunch of loops. Which is fitting, I suppose.” He shrugged. “Ready for the last one? You’re totally going to get this.”

“Don’t jinx me.”

“What was our last date, and when?”

“Last Thursday,” Sirius said. “We got takeout and watched The Princess and the Frog.”

“Did you sing along?” Marlene asked.

“Of course we did,” Remus said with a playful scoff. “Alright, who won?”

Behind the camera, Dorcas cleared her throat. “Remus, you got seven out of eleven correct, and Sirius, you scored a grand total of…nine.”

Sirius whipped back around to face him. “I told you I would win!”

“I’m crushed,” Remus said drily, though he couldn’t keep down his smile. “Oh, no, my husband knows me too well!”

“Did you guys have fun?” Marlene asked.

“We always do.” Sirius slid the boards across the floor to her before looking up to the camera. “Thanks for joining us today to see my victory at last, Lions! Be sure to like and subscribe to Lion Pride for more content like this.”

[luna-writes-stuff]

Heyyyy!!! Congrats on the milestone!!! Could I possibly request a matchup with Lotr and The Hobbit? No gender preference, but we all know there's a vast overrepresentation of men lol

I'm kind of average height with long blonde hair. I like reading and watching movies, I work in a bakery and I love to travel! I'm really into art and music as well as doing karate and scouting. I'm also into the general outdoor activities like hiking, outdoor cooking, snowboarding, climbing, skiing, canoing, biking etc. I'm also really into all kinds of mythology and folklore!

I'm stubborn and loyal, I tend to do things regardless of gender stereotypes and I try to be kind to everyone. My style slides from very feminine to gnc, and I love practical but nice looking clothing.

Sorry if this became a lot, feel free to pick and choose from these! Thank you in advance and take all the time you need Luna! 💕💕💕💕💕

Thank you for being the first one to tell me that there is a vast over representation of men in LOTR because I canNOT UNDERSTATE THIS. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Tolkien content we have but I would have loved to see more women kick ass, because yum.

The Lord of the Rings, Aragorn:

- After you said ‘travel’, who else did you expected me to choose? This man knows many woods and paths, and he has memorized many wonderful places he has been. Upon discovering your love for wandering, he wishes to do nothing more but show you those breathtaking waterfalls he found years ago. He knows all safe paths, so without any doubt, he will do anything in his power to keep you safe.

- For outdoor activities over all, he is the perfect person to go to. He has many experiences with things such as climbing and canoeing. And he absolutely loves the fact that he gets to share it with someone who is just as excited about it as him. He is very careful with you, sometimes a bit too much, though he knows you can handle yourself. It doesn’t go under appreciated, but you’d have to remind him that you can do those things yourself as well. He admires your daring spirit. Hell, at times it even leaves him stunned.

- He himself doesn’t even believe in gender stereotypes. He himself can be feminine at times and he doesn’t even care. As a king, he becomes clear to those ‘rules’, but he is quick to consider them broken. But crowds are difficult and push their opinions. Aragorn remains unfazed by the words though, and simply encourages you to do whatever you want to do. If he feels particularly bold, he’ll take a few days of and let you take over. You rule beside Aragorn often, but he remains the king, so it’s usually his words and decisions, but he makes it clear to you that he finds your actions as important as his own. Even as other fail to recognize the profit it brings.

——

The Hobbit, Fili:

- He loves good stories. Dwarves of their own already love tales, but he seems particularly fond of them. He has many stories to tell himself from his childhood and fairytales, but he enjoys listening to them even more. Introduce him to other mythologies and he won’t ever shut up about it. He gets so caught up in them, it’s adorable.

- If you can kick his ass, he is done for. The second you show him what you’ve learned through karate, he’s smitten. Completely head over heels. Dwarves are a proud folk, so don’t feel surprised when he lets his tongue run every so often. He’s so proud and in love with you, he simply has to share it with everyone. All in good nature of course, but he will never shut up about it.

- Fili enjoys lazy nights in, and though he loves going outdoors with you, he cannot wait for the night, where you cuddle up to him with a book while he reads over your shoulder. He doesn’t even have to know the stories. He just enjoys the time spent with you in his arms. It makes him feel all happy and warm inside, as cheesy as it might sound. He really prides himself on you.

——

[frodo-with-glasses]

Audiobook Review: A Knife in the Dark

(I didn’t have enough things to say about the segments with Tom Bombadil, the Barrow-Wights, and the first night at the Prancing Point to justify more posts; except that Merry and Pippin’s “NO, DON’T!” when Frodo brought up Old Man Willow at Bombadil’s house just about made me jump out of my seat. 🤣)

(I guess it shouldn’t be much of a surprise that those chapters are less lustrous than some of the others. Bombadil, the Barrows, and Frodo’s song were cut out of the movie completely, so there’s not much movie music or ambiance to enhance the audio drama. Oh well; that will change very soon.)

We have a sound for the door opening. We have a sound for the gate opening, but not for it shutting. We have Fatty Bolger’s panicked breaths in the background, and the clack of the door lock. We have muffled hoof-falls, and the Ringwraiths’ breathing, and the rooster crowing in the distance, and the THUD against the door. All of this makes an already ominous part of the book into a DANG good suspense thriller, holy COW I love it.

“OPEN. IN THE NAME OF MORDOR.” OooooKAY yeah I know that audio was probably altered in post but it is still loud and terrifying.

BRO!! You hear the door break and the planks all clatter to the floor, and then the hissing breaths fade into the operatic chanting of the Nazgûl theme! THAT IS SO DOPE

And the horns!! The Bucklanders’ HORNS!

As the narration goes on, you can hear Fatty burst out the door, and also his panicked, breathless whimpers as he runs.

“NO, NO NO, NO! NO, NOT ME! I HAVEN’T GOT IT!” Hoooooo okay my boy sounds like he’s in deep distress, that is genuinely upsetting (and so COOL)

Fatty’s panicked babbling! The urgent conversations in the background! Then the sound of pony hooves, and horns blowing, and yelling! All the background noises are telling the story along with the narration and I hecking LOVE IT

(Okay but the horns really do get very loud LOL)

“Let the little people blow, Sauron will deal with them later.” Ooh the emphasis on that word was so GOOD—

YOU HEAR THEM BREAK DOWN THE GATE. And you hear the shouts of the hobbits turn from challenge to surprise and alarm! This is PHENOMENAL

THE DISTANT NAZGÛL SCREECHING. YESSSSSS

No sound for the shutters, sadly :-(

“Strider went to fetch Mr. Butterburr…” [Various Butterburr noises]

“…but very soon he came back in dismay.” [Butterburr’s lamenting “oh!”]

“Let’s get hold of Nob.” [Merry’s distant yell of “Nob! Hey!”]

“…they came eventually to the Down, in search of Fatty Lumpkin.” [Cue the Tom Bombadil noises]

Aww, dang, the Shire theme starting up again when they’re saying goodbye to Butterburr and saying how they’d like to come back someday when it’s all over. That’s just an unfair prick in the heart, man.

There is a noise for Bill Ferny spitting. Good. We needed that. (I say, only half-sarcastically.)

Ferny’s sneering, drawling way of talking is genuinely annoying. That is to say, well done, Mr. Dragash! You hit the nail bang on the head!

“And you, Ferny! Put your ugly face out of sight or it will get hurt!” [Sam’s “hup”, a comical whizz, a dull thump, Ferny’s “d’oogh!”, and a string of sharp noises that really do sound an awful lot like cursing] 🤣🤣🤣

“*sigh* Waste of a good apple.” That sounds EXACTLY like Sean Asten’s angry-whisper, get OUTTA here—

“Ha ha, but you had not got me with you then! My cuts, short or long, don’t go wrong, heh :-D” N’aww he sounds so happy ahaha

Honestly I was really hoping they’d use a recording of cicadas for the Neekerbreekers. It would fit well enough.

Frodo’s little chuckle in “Or I shall become a wraith”, and then Aragorn’s brusk “Do not speak of such things!” So good.

Sam’s song about Gil-Galad is actually not bad! The tune makes sense, and his voice strains a bit on the high notes, but that’s not out of character for Sam.

“Strider laid his hand on his shoulder.” [tup] “There is still hope.” [pat-pat] Aww he gave Frodo’s shoulder a little pat 🥺

“To the land of Mor—” [Aragorn barks “NO!”]

Okay so I skipped through the Beren and Luthien part because snooooore but I noticed that they added some of the musical motifs associated with elves in the movies so 👍

HECK YEAH WEATHERTOP SCORE LET’S GOOOOOOO

[wishingtobeinadifferentuniverse]

Always There (Faramir x Gender Neutral!reader)

Request: I'd like to send a Faramir request! And I thought maybe just some fluff, confessing their love to each other? ~ @midearthwritings

Word count: 2249 (sorry I got carried away, it was fun lol)

Warnings: The teensiest bit of angst, fluff, and kissing?

A/N Alright, I thoroughly enjoyed making this one, I always love me some Faramir! Just for reference, I have not gotten to Return of the King yet, I have only watched the movie, so if something seems to be incorrect, my deepest apologies. And yes, I bent the story to match my thoughts. It’s fine. Thank you so much to @guardianofrivendell for helping me with some scenes! Also, a Quisby is a lazy-ass and a yaldson is the son of a prostitute. I looked up medieval insults and thought they were pretty funny. May or may not be using them on my friends...

Denethor was a quisby, a yaldson. You clenched your jaw, seething with anger. You couldn’t say much, for fear of upsetting the king, no, the Steward. But he was sending his only son left to battle. A battle that he could not win. No one would survive. Wasteful. And he sent the love of your life.

Faramir had always been special to you. When you were younger you were closer with Boromir, but as you all grew up, fitting the molds made for you, things changed. Boromir was always learning policy and diplomacy as his father’s right hand. Faramir was left behind with the lesser jobs, that most would consider unpleasant for someone used to a grandeur life. You bonded quickly, soon knowing even the most minuscule details about each other. And all was well. Until Osgiliath was taken again. With Boromir’s success came more criticism of Faramir. This also led to Boromir sent to a secret council regarding a weapon that could change the war. But Boromir never returned from the mission. He never made it back home. To Faramir and you. 

Denethor took the news horribly, but nothing compared to Faramir. He was distraught, hiding the most of his pain. He only confided in you, how lost and unappreciated he felt. He didn’t understand how those words also hurt you, carving deeper into the fresh wound of grief. He didn’t realize how much you appreciated him, how blind he was to your love. It was all you could do to not unravel then and there, piece by piece. But you held strong, for his sake. He had no one left but you. His father did not care for him. His brother who showered him with affection and praise was gone. It was just you two. 

And now he was gone, sent on a death mission, little chance of making it back. You found yourself in your room, not remembering how you got there. Tears were streaming down your face, slowing down to your chin. You went onto the balcony, luckily one that did not face the battle. It would be unbearable to see it. You curled up, your back pressed against the cool stone. You wished you had told him. Told him how you had felt. You relished the memories you shared with him. Even though he only saw you as a friend, no more. The day passed quickly, but you stayed where you were, hidden. And then, a horn sounded. They were back. At least whoever was left. But there were worse things heading towards the gates. Gondor was under attack.

You rushed to the gates, your thoughts clouded with panic. Only one thought was constant. Where was Faramir? You reached the guards at the front. 

“What happened? Who made it back?” You said hurriedly, seeing no signs of injury in the guards nearby. 

“Only the Captain of Gondor made it back ma’am, he was injured horribly. Taken back to the citadel is what I heard. Hardly going to last the night.” The guard looked at you, concerned. “Are you the one Faramir talked about? I was by his side all through Osgiliath. Pardon me if I’m mistaken, but you like precisely like what he described.”

You bowed your head, cheeks a hint darker than normal. It didn’t matter, he only talked about you as a friend. And besides, he was horribly injured. This should be the last thing on your mind. “Aye, that would be me. But excuse me, I must be on my way. I need to find him.” 

You turned from the slightly bemused guard and walked as quickly as you could without causing alarm. Although at this point, everybody had to have known about Faramir. Everyone except you. You turned a corner, quite distracted, and slammed into someone. 

“Oh, I am terribly sorry I- what on Middle Earth?” You stuttered. A child looked up at you, no, not a child, but he was small enough to be a child. Not a dwarf though. Something completely different. 

“Oh hello there! I’m guessing you have never seen a hobbit before! My name is Pippin, and don’t worry about accidentally running into me, it happens a lot. You look very in distress. What is wrong? Also, I am looking for a friend, so if you happen to see him please let me know.” The hobbit, Pippin babbled. You were a bit overwhelmed from everything you were going through but luckily found the patience to deal with this energetic hobbit. 

“Oh, I am looking for a friend as well, his name is Faramir if you manage to find him. And don’t worry little one, I am just worried for his sake.” You responded back quickly, hoping to move on your way. 

Unfortunately for you, the hobbit had different plans. “Oh yes, I am also looking for Faramir, as well as Gandalf. I saw him being led away, and I heard a mutter about the Steward going insane. I am trying to find him to help. But the trouble is brewing, and the fighting will start soon. I am worried, very worried.” Pippin babbled on as you searched the streets for this Gandalf. 

After a little while, he finally saw who he was looking for. He explained quickly what was going on and why he needed to check on Faramir. 

“Faramir is alive but Denethor wants to burn him. He thinks he's dead. ” Pippin spoke hurriedly, already rushing Gandalf along. 

You gasped. “You did not tell me that Denethor was trying to burn him! Why didn’t you tell me?”

Pippin looked confused. “I didn’t tell you? I could have sworn I did.”

You shook your head, your heart racing even faster than it had been before. To make things even worse, you could hear the sounds of battle. The city had finally been breached. Luckily you were far up enough that the orcs hadn’t reached you...yet. Gandalf was farther ahead of you, and you quickened your strides to match his. He turned and looked at you, his eyes piercing yours. You had the strangest feeling that your mind was being invaded. 

“Patience child. We will stop that lunatic before anything happens. He will be alright.” He turned away again as if he hadn’t said a word. You gaped, it was as if he knew exactly what you were thinking. He seemed familiar, but you didn’t know why. But alas, it did not matter at this moment, and you refocused your mind back on who you were trying to save. Faramir. 

As you hurried along, you tried your hardest to remember. His smile. The dimples on his cheeks. How much fun you two had together. Running through the markets when you were younger, causing trouble, but laughing all the way. How he would be publicly humiliated by his father. How you would be there for him, comfort him, make him happier. The hidden smiles in the throne room, the silent laughter, and inside jokes.

You were quickly brought back to the present as some stone shattered right behind you, showering big chunks of rock. You ducked quickly and grabbed the hobbit, making him run faster. You had to get out of there. Gandalf showed you two through a small alley, and all too soon you had arrived at the top. But Faramir and Denethor were nowhere to be seen. Somehow, Gandalf knew exactly where they were, and took you to a smaller room, that was barricaded. He slammed open the doors as if it were nothing, and you ran right into a horrifying scene. 

Denethor was standing on top of a pile of wood, and Faramir lay at his feet, both drenched in oil. Some soldiers had torches in their hands, and some looked hesitant. Everything drained away, all sound was muffled. All you could see was Faramir, and it was as if he knew you there. He rustled slightly and looked straight at you. His lips moved wordlessly, and you couldn’t move, an invisible force stopping you. 

A scream and then fire engulfed the wood, Faramir was taken from your view. Your feet finally decided to start moving, and both you and Pippin ran towards the pyre, grabbing Faramir before the flames could engulf him. Another screech and then you realized that Denethor had been taken by the flames. He ran off to who knows where, and the guards left quickly, helping to aid in the battle. 

It was soon just you, Faramir, Pippin, and Gandalf. Faramir’s eyes were closed, but his heart was still beating. You cradled his head in your lap, softly brushing his hair out of his face. 

“Gandalf, will he be alright?” You asked tentatively, not daring to even look away from Faramir. 

Gandalf sighed. “With time he will heal. But whether he will heal from the pain in his heart is unclear to me. He has been through far too much, as most have in such times, and for your sake, I hope he perseveres.”

You and Gandalf helped Faramir up, who at this point was able to open his eyes slightly. You both brought him to his room, as the medical wing was a greater distance. Pippin trailed behind like a lost puppy. The poor hobbit had probably never seen such violence in his life. You laid him in his bed, and Gandalf bid a quick goodbye, herding Pippin out. 

It was just you and Faramir. You knelt at his bedside and grasped his hand, waiting, hoping, for anything. More memories ran through your mind. He taught you how to use a sword, to protect yourself if need be. And then on your birthday, he had gotten you a sword of your own, beautifully crafted, and balanced perfectly. It was quite a gift to receive, and you protested, but to no avail. It was in your room, hidden so that no one could take it. You remembered how your hands tingled when he gave it to you, just the slightest brush of fingers. But you were young and naive. 

He stirred, and his eyes opened, looking at the ceiling. Then he tilted his head towards you and looked down at your intertwined hands. You stopped breathing for a second, nervous that you might have overstepped your bounds. 

“I am still alive. What happened with my father? I remember the smell of smoke.” Faramir’s voice was raspy still, and quiet.

You looked away, trying to figure out what to tell him. You were the bearer of bad news this time it seemed. “Your father thought you dead and was going to have you burned. I showed up with Gandalf and Pippin only moments before it was to happen. ”

He groaned and turned away. But he held on tighter to your hand, as if you were his lifeline, the one last thing keeping him there with you. “Faramir,” you said hesitantly, “I-I was so afraid of losing you. I never want to lose you again. I-” You broke off, too afraid to say what was on your mind. He was looking right at you, the ghost of a smile on his face. “Continue, please,” he said. He reached his other hand across his body, softly grazing your arm. 

You smiled slightly, taking in a shaky breath. “I love you Faramir. And I have for a long time. I am not creative enough to give a whole speech about my love for you, but my love for you is worthy of a speech if needed.”

Faramir smiled, the brightest you had ever seen it. “I love you too my dear, more than anything, and I am so sorry I never said anything before. Please forgive me.”

Then he slowly reached his hand up to your face, and you leaned towards him. But you went a bit too fast, and accidentally slammed your nose onto his, causing you both to cry out in pain. You felt like you were going to cry, you ruined the special moment. But then he smiled and started laughing so hard. You were so embarrassed, but you also started chuckling. 

In between breaths, Faramir choked out, “Clearly, neither of us have done this.”

You nodded, keeping back a grin.

He cracked a smile, trying to hold in his laughter. But then he sobered up. “Well, I think we should try that again. Help me sit up?”

You felt even more butterflies in your stomach as you propped up a pillow for him and helped him up. You leaned back to make sure he was comfortable, but he grabbed your wrist and pulled you back. You laughed again, and he smiled. He traced a finger up your arm and all the way up to the back of your neck. He leaned in first, making an emphasis on how slow he was moving, but you were too nervous to laugh. Softly, he pressed his lips against yours. You barely moved, not daring to. But you slowly melted as he moved his other hand to the small of your back. You moved your hands, knotting them in his hair, pulling you even closer together. His lips molded against yours, slightly chapped, making you shiver. Ever so slowly, he began to pull away, much to your dismay. But he still held you in arms. 

Slowly, you whispered, “We should have done that sooner.” 

Faramir nodded and pulled you closer. “Thank you,” he whispered back, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. 

[baebaejooheon]

Corpse husband x cottagecore! Reader headcanon

Just a cottagecore esque thing where it’s readers birthday and they throw a big meet up/sleepover thing.

Fem reader just bc. Mentions wearing a dress/skirt

A/N: uhhh leave me alone Ik I have a series in the works that I haven’t written for in months. Leave me alone 😎 not edited pls it’s rlly not good , as well as written at 6 am. Based on a maladaptive daydream I had for like a week straight. I could turn this into a real fic if anyone wants it but like ahaha I can barely write once a year 😌🤚🏻 I will probably reread it and fix it later but as of now you get what you get. I literally just typed this on my phone with no sleep so like 🤗🤪

Originally posted by datchidatchi

A little background, Y/N lives in a medium sized cottage esque house. She has a small garden in her back yard, as well as a free roam fluffy brown cow named dellie, and a big chicken coop. As well as a duck that roams the property and a couple of other animals. As well as a huge flower field a little off the premises. (All of this is infact important.)

It’s Your 23rd birthday, and for this big occasion you decided to invite over all your friends, even those who live outside of the country, to your small home in the middle of nowhere. This would be the meetup that would break the internet.

Many people were invited. The typical among us group:Jack, Felix, Rae, Sykunno, Toast, Poki, and even Corpse who was given the option even tho the likelihood was low given the situation.

A few SMP friends you had made through association were also invited: Karl, Alex, Nick etc.

Many people, lots of fun.

The morning of your birthday, You awoke to many messages and posts for your birthday. Lots of bomb selfies on the feed as well as #HAPPYBDAYY/N trending on Twitter. Along with this, you were greeted with a few texts from your non American friends stating that they arrived safely or that they were checking into the hotel rooms they had booked for the weekend.

When the time came for the party, most of the people had managed to show up. The party was in full swing, everyone had a drink in hand, posting pictures, celebrating being together as well as it being your birthday.

Filling the trending tab on Twitter with so many hashtags

Around 10 pm you got a call from corpse and decided to head upstairs to get some peace and quiet from the loud music in your living room.

Answering the phone the conversation wasn’t anything special, corpse wishing you the fourth happy birthday for that day, as well as asking how everything was going. It was a normal conversation, that was, until his breath hitched and his voice started to quiver as he grew quiet, barely mumbling. Asking what was wrong, corpse went on a small tangent about how he wished he was more confident with his looks, how he wished it wasn’t scary showing his closest friends what he looked like etc. and how he wished he could be there at the party with everyone.

“Corpse I’ve told you 100 times. I understand your situation and it’s ok that you couldn’t show up. I don’t hold it against you, but I didn’t want you to feel left out :))”

“What would you say if I said I just pulled up in an Uber and I’m absolutely terrified of what’s gonna happen?”

Sneaking out of the back door as quickly as possible and running to the front lawn preparing herself. Corpse steps out of the car and You just jump in his arms. like full on koala grip on this man.

Holding his face and just showering him with compliments. Lots of reassurance and sweet nothings.

Heading to the back porch in order to allow him to calm down and prepare. The two end up sitting outside in the dark talking for like 30 minutes.

Finally working up the courage to head inside. You hold his hand the whole time and you see his hands start to shake.

Stepping into the living room, Jack noticing corpse was there, smiling but not saying anything after realizing he’s nervous. Meeting eveyone for the first time really being hard on him. No one else knowing what he looks like so no one really has a reaction

“Look who I found”

“Oh Y/N!! We were wondering where you ran off too. Who’s your friend?”

Corpse just hits them with a “uhh, hi 🤗”

Everyone freaking out as soon as they realize who it is and trying to talk to him.

Phones were put away for most of the night in fear of leaking anything.

You going the extra step to check everyone’s camera rolls (with consent of course) just incase and deleting any photo with any form of corpes face.

A group selfie with just corpse’s hand doing a peace sign

Many drunk escapades

Everyone finding a place to crash for the night. Some staying awake on their phones, some heading to hotels, some alresdy passed out for the night.

You check in on corpse before you head to bed, knowing today was a lot for him.

“Surprisingly? One of the best nights I’ve had in awhile :))”

Heading off to bed.

6 am rolls around and ms Y/N is up at the crack of dawn to do morning chores for the small farm.

Cute hobbit esque dress. Brown skirt, off the shoulder white flowy shirt tucked in, white frilly apron, brown corset belt Etc. you know the fit

Walking down the stairs, you see corpse on his phone in the dark sitting at her dining room table. Everyone was still asleep and it seemed like corpse hadn’t even slept a wink. You know, his insomnia and all.

“What are you doing awake? It’s only 6 am and you partied pretty hard last night?”

“Farm life doesn’t stop for a hangover, but I could ask you the same thing mister :) come on you can help me out”

Corpse is 100% not dressed to do anything outside, especially not any farm work.

Tells him to wait on the back porch while she gathers some stuff from the house. coming out with a messenger bag as well as a basket and a blanket.

Sets everything down and continues to feed the animals with corpse, asking him to grab the big bucket of feed. showing him the ropes, filling up everyone’s water dishes. Collecting eggs etc.

Corpse just watching you with a smile on his face. Your just talking to all your animals, yelling at fiesty hens for pecking at your legs and/or talking to Gerald the duck for getting in the way.

Corpse lowkey obsessed with dellie the cow. Pets her and coos for like 5 minutes straight.

When they finish the sun is barely rising everything still looks like a silhouette from far enough away. putting what needs to go inside away, and then grabbing the messenger bag off the porch.

Dragging corpse to the flower field just down the hill at the edge of the property.

Laying out the blanket and sitting just talking for hours.

You plays music from your phone through a small speaker, dancing around and twirling, lost in your own world.

Corpse’s Instagram story is just full of videos and pictures of you in the sunrise, small captions like happy birthweek to the most amazing person Ik. Or damn who knew farm girl had moves.

Literally 30+ story posts at 7 am.

Corpse takes a picture of you making a flower crown. Shadows cast across your skin, the small bit of sunrise light casting a soft golden glow. The field of flowers all around. Literally goddess worthy.

Fans going crazy reposting the pictures, spamming Twitter etc.

His camera roll is FULL of pictures of her.

Giving corpse A flower crown full of an array of wild flowers

Dancing together. Just twirling and laughing.

City boy corpse loving the farm life

Secretly of course

Relaxing and just sitting with eachother as it slowly reaches 10 am.

“Uh, thanks for this morning, I had a lot of fun.” A small sleepy smile on his face. The flower crown crooked on his messy curls as he just stares into your eyes.

You both end up leaning in for a kiss bumping noses as you gently pull away

Definitely the best birthday gift you could have asked for

Heading back inside to see how everyone’s doing.

Rae being one of the few awake asking where the two of you had been seeing it was already around noon

“Those of us awake took it upon ourselves to raid your kitchen sorry not sorry”

Corpse getting sleepy wanting to take a nap seeing as it was noon and he was running on little to no sleep.

You let him rest in your bed as you occupy everyone downstairs

Everyone leaving around 3 pm, corpse is still asleep so you go outside to check on all the animals once again.

Letting Gerald in the house bc he’s being a pain in the ass.

When you come into the house you see corpse coming down the stairs rubbing his eyes and streatching. His shirt twisted and raising slightly, the jewelry and chains he was wearing now gone.

Giving him a good “morning” kiss.

The day is filled with you cooking for him. Making fun of his foil troubles, watching movies, laughing and overall joking.

Spending the rest of the night cuddling together and making the most of the time you had together.

Making things between you official

✨Extra✨

When you post about eachother to tell the fans that the two of you have been dating for like 6 months the captions are wild.

Corpse is like “ugh look at my gorgeous girlfriend, so pretty, so nice and kind, the most amazing person ever” just full on simp. The pictures he uses are from the morning after your birthday.

Your picture is just you guys holding hands. His usual chains and jewelry. Caption just “eww a city boy 🤮, gotta take all the love I can get tho”

[writingfromkitchenator]

1,500 Followers Challenge!

The Title/Trope Challenge!

Again, thank you all for all your support!  You are all amazing and I truly cannot thank you enough for helping me get this far.  It’s certainly a milestone that I never thought I’d see.

Straight to the challenge!

Basic rules apply ~ there are 30 songs and 30 quotes posted below, pick one from your fandom with your character.  This will be open for a while as 2 requests per song/quote.  The only rule is here is, is that the requests cannot be from the same fandom.  I will try and keep the lists as updated as I can to try and avoid cross overs!

The extra - This time around, send me either a title and/or a trope to base to the fic on.  They can be as weird and wonderful as you want, or something simple.  In your ask, just specify which you are sending me and I’ll do the rest from there!

Recap:

Send me an ask with your request

Include your fandom and character

Choose a song and quote

Give me a title and/or a trope to base the fic on!

In saying that, please remember that this is all just a bit of fun, I’m sure you can have a laugh at some of the quotes below (based off of some of my favourite movies).  Please send all requests through asks, it’s easier for me to keep track of, and let me know of any questions!  It is, of course, okay to request more than once!

For now, there is no closing date, we will just keep going until all the requests are full!  Requests will be closing 1st May.

Further info below the cut.

Songs

Evermore  ~ Dan Stevens (Beauty and the Beast) - Lord of the Rings

Protector  ~ City Wolf - Supernatural and The Hobbit

I  See the Light ~ Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi (Tangled) - Lord of the Rings

I'd  Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) ~ Meat Loaf - Marvel and Supernatural

Bloodshot  ~ Sam Tinnesz

Let’s  Hear It For The Boy ~ Deniece Williams

All  Eyes On You ~ Smash Into Pieces

Feel  Invincible ~ Skillet

Natural  ~ Imagine Dragons - Lord of the Rings

Wrong  Side Of Heaven ~ Five Finger Death Punch

Shatter  Me ~ Lindsey Stirling Ft. Lzzy Hale - Supernatural

Feeling  Good ~ Nina Simone - The Hobbit and Marvel

Somebody  To Love ~ Queen - The Hobbit and The Witcher

Hurricane  ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars

You  Give Love A Bad Name ~ Bon Jovi - The Hobbit

Girls  Just Wanna Have Fun ~ Cyndi Lauper - Supernatural

Total  Eclipse of the Heart ~ Bonnie Tyler - The Hobbit

Don’t  You (Forget About Me) ~ Simple Minds

Hell  Ain’t a Bad Place to Be ~ AC/DC

Love  Is A War ~ Jeremy Renner

A  Reason to Fight ~ Disturbed - The Witcher

True  Love ~ P!nk ft. Lily Allen - Marvel and Supernatural

Poison  ~ Alice Cooper

Sucker  for Pain ~ Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa & Imagine Dragons w/ Logic & Ty  Dolla $ign ft X Ambassadors (Suicide Squad)

Hello  Hello ~ Elton John ft. Lady Gaga (Gnomeo and Juliet) - Lord of the Rings and Supernatural

I’m  Gonna Be (500 Miles) ~ The Proclaimers - Marvel and Lord of the Rings

I Will Always Love You ~ Whitney Houston  (The Bodyguard) - Supernatural and Lord of the Rings

When You Wish Upon A Star ~ Cliff Edwards  (Pinocchio) - The Hobbit

Raise Hell ~ Dorothy

Leave Me Lonely ~ Imelda May

Quotes

I mean, those people aren't exactly our regular customers. (Legion)

I would not have shown you such mercy. (Legion) - Lord of the Rings

When you hesitate, people die. (Doom)

Yeah, I was thinking about it. (Doom)

Will you please get this child off my leg? (Bedknobs and Broomsticks) - Supernatural

Do you poison the dragon or just the liver? (Bedknobs and Broomsticks)

I don't know about you, but I'd like to make today worth remembering. (The Music Man) - Supernatural and Lord of the Rings

A man can't turn tail and run just because a little personal risk is involved. (The Music  Man) - Marvel

You idiots! You fools! You imbeciles! (101 Dalmatians) - Supernatural

It was a beautiful spring day. Tedious time of the year for bachelors. (101  Dalmatians) - Marvel

I think I am familiar with the fact that you are going to ignore this problem until it  swims up and bites you in the ass. (Jaws) - Lord of the Rings

Smile you son of a bitch! (Jaws)

You never have control, that’s the illusion! (Jurassic Park) - The Hobbit

Boy, do I hate being right all the time.  (Jurassic  Park) - The Witcher

The suspense is terrible.  I hope it'll last. (Willy  Wonka and The Chocolate Factory) - Lord of the Rings

So shines a good deed in a weary world. (Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory)

That was naughty. (The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) - The Hobbit and Supernatural

You broke my heart once. This time you missed. (The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen)

You know, he looks heroic and he walks fast, but he’s kind of got a negative attitude.  (The Meg) - The Lord of the Rings

Yeah, well, I’m not crazy, I’ve just seen things no one else has. (The Meg) - Marvel

Eight years is a long time. Can I make you a cup of tea? (Godzilla) - Marvel

As far as he's concerned, you're just a pair of breasts that talk. (Godzilla) - The Hobbit

Afraid? You don't know what afraid is. You will not last five minutes without me.  (Jumanji) - The Hobbit

Oh, okay, honey. Well, that would be cheating. (Jumanji) - The Hobbit

Carrots? Why is it always carrots? I didn't even eat carrots! (Atlantis: The Lost Empire) - Supernatural

I know what you seek, and you will not find it here. (Atlantis: The Lost Empire) - Supernatural and The Witcher

No. I can't do that, and if you were in my position, you'd do the same. (Alien)

When I give an order I expect to be obeyed. (Alien)

I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.  (Dogma) - Lord of the Rings

Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas. (Dogma) - Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit

Characters I will write for:

The Hobbit – Thorin, Fili, Kili, Dwalin, Bofur, Nori, Gloin (friends only), Frerin, Thranduil, Bard, Legolas, Bilbo, Lindir, Beorn

The Lord of the Rings – Aragorn, Boromir, Eomer, Faramir, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Elrond, Haldir

Supernatural – Sam, Dean, Castiel, Crowley, Gabriel, Lucifer, Benny, Balthazar, Chuck, Garth, Mick, Gadreel, Charlie, Bobby

Marvel – Tony Stark, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Loki, Thor, Peter Quill, Logan, Stephen Strange, Carol Danvers, Sam Wilson, Heimdall

Dragon Age – Alistair, Anders, Cullen, Morrigan, Zevran, Leliana, Fenris, Sebastian, Iron Bull, Dorian, Cassandra, Blackwall, Varric

Harry Potter – Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Neville, Remus, Sirius, Fred, George

Star Trek (Newer Films) – Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty

The Witcher (TV Series) – Geralt, Yennefer, Jaskier

Of course, this list isn’t a final thing, if you feel I could write a character, please just send me a message and I’ll let you know if I’m comfortable with it or not.

Please of course note that all drabble requests are reader insert.  I will not do character pairings, but I will change to first/third person if you prefer reading that way.  Y/N will be the standard name though and remain that way.

For any Dragon Age requests, if you wish to appear as a certain race, please let me know.

[spidersbane]

Hello! Can I get MCU, The Hobbit, and The Man From U.N.C.L.E. ship? 💚

Appearance: She/her. 179,5cm tall, rectangle body shape. Fair skin complexion with quite a few birthmarks. Dyed brown with honey-red highlights, shoulder-length, straight hair with bangs. The left eye is a mix of two colors – a smaller portion of (darker) greyish-blue and a larger portion of hazel; while the right eye is just a (lighter) greyish-blue. Heptagon face shape with two dimples on the left cheek and one on the right cheek (only visible while smiling). A gap between the upper front teeth.

Personality (good and bad traits): Ever since I was a kid, I was always quite mature for my age – I identify myself as an old soul. I come off as polite and well-mannered to strangers, yet I tend to keep it to myself by being reserved. But, that’s because I have social anxiety and I’m nervous and shy when meeting/talking to people. The only people I’m comfortable with being with my inner circle – closest friends and family. I am usually more “open” with my friends than with my family. With my friends I can be my “truest-self” – I smile more, I laugh more, I feel more accepted and understood. I am the mom and the fashionista of the group. Don’t get me wrong, I am fiercely protective of my family, especially of my mother and younger sister. But, lately, I’ve been feeling like the “black sheep” of the family, Cinderella who’s been taken advantage of. I express my affection for the people I care about in little, but practical, ways. I can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Others turn to me for help and advice. I’m kind-hearted and generous, always ready to help a person in need. Always have been motherly towards children. Very awkward at keeping small talk (usually with people that I’m not that close with). Absolutely, hate speaking in front of a public, and if I do, because of my nervousness, I tend to mess up my words and/or I practice whatever I’m about to say in my head at first. I appreciate the simplicity and am often most comfortable when I’m not getting too much attention from the world. I am sensitive – both to criticism and to others’ feelings (I sponge up the feelings and moods of people and the environment around me). Have a hard time saying no or expressing my true thoughts, feelings. I get influenced by other people’s opinions/thoughts quite hard (I take everything to the heart), that is why I tend to keep a lot to myself (may come off as a little bit tense, secretive, mysterious). I avoid the harsh reality by daydreaming (almost every day) – imagining myself in situations far from my current circumstances. Sort of like a self-escape. I worry a lot and overthink almost everything. I am easily distracted and my attention span can be quite short. I have an internal struggle between my needs and wants. I can lack focus and be indecisive as a result – when I decide on one route, I am pulled in another direction at the same time (“But what if…”, “on the other hand...”). That is why I’m having a bit of a struggle with deciding what I want to do in the future (career-wise). I am easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. There is a self-destructive side to me (self-critical, lack of self-confidence) that I’m working on by confronting my fears (coming out of my shell). Don’t like taking pictures, or other people taking pictures of me. I feel most content when I’ve straightened out all the details of everyday life. I have a routine, that I follow by mostly every day, and if something small changes in that routine, I start to have a small internal anxiety attack. Also, I like to do things my own way, like, when it comes to cleaning the house or organizing stuff, etc. I get triggered even if people don’t do the laundry the way I do. I guess you could describe me as a perfectionist, clean/control freak. In triggering situations I can be impulsive, spontaneous, quick to act. Quick flare-ups of anger/annoyance when being provoked on my patience. Even when I’m feeling low, I manage to find humor in life and have fun with whatever I do have. Although I tend to bottle things up, I am an emotional person and my emotions are genuine – I love and care deeply and passionately and wish no ill will upon anyone, yet it hards for me to imagine someone falling in love with me or just liking me.

Hobbies, likes: My hobbies are cleaning, writing (re-writing song lyrics, making small notes, writing stories), listening to any type of music, catching up on my favorite films and TV shows, hanging out with friends, going to the cinema, or the club, being out in nature, reading, traveling. I like history, cooking, fashion magazines (or fashion in general), road trips, spirituality, mythology, books, orange juice, previous decades, cottage-core, dark academia.

Overall: Hufflepuff. INFP-T. Bi-sexual. Pisces-Aries cusp sign. “Looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll.” A feminist, support LGBTQ+ community. That’s it, thank you!

hey @pataim ! thanks so much for sending in your request, and thank you so much for your honesty about yourself. like it takes a lot to air yourself out like that, and I admire your strength for it. but also fINALLY a 'Man from U.N.C.L.E' ship! I love that movie and attempt Illya's accent all the time, so this will be fun :)

For the MCU/Marvel - I ship you with Steve Rogers/Captain America ! 

no one can tell me that Steve doesn’t have a set routine honestly, so let me just get that out there 

he seems intimidating at first, esp as a public figure and Avenger, but Steve is nothing but passionate about what he does. so it may clash w your lack of direction, but I could honestly see him envying that a lil bit, like it’s not that you don’t have direction, it’s the fact that you still have a choice in the matter. 

your love of history put you in a museum, here you bumped into Steve in a horrible disguise. he struck up the conversation first, and once you got past the whole “holy crap that’s Captain America”, you could actually engage with him in the material and boi was he smitten 

he would love to join you when your rewatched your fave things, bc not only is he catching up on more media he missed out on, he’s also getting to know your interests in a way that’s comfortable with you. it avoids all the small talk, but leaves room for discussion after the film/show ! 

since you tend to sponge up a lot of what other people believe, it’s totally Steve who actually tries to question what you think and what you feel about things. he’s someone who encourages you to have your own opinions and to stay true to those thoughts. so while with him, you can rely on him to learn about yourself, you also gain skills for independence

overall, Steve is super patient, and despite his chaotic job as Cap, he takes comfort in his routine, and would find comfort incorporating a partner’s routine into his life. and as you grow in a relationship with him, he’s patient about teaching you how to be your own person, and helping you learn more about yourself. and while it’s uncomfortable, you grow stronger throughout being with him :) 

For The Hobbit - I ship you with Bilbo Baggins !

Bilbo is the definition of introvert, and you're right there with him

not that introversion is ever a bad thing, bc it isn't. but Bilbo is quite content to sit in his little hobbit hole and vibe. like Gandalf had to come find him, ya know. dude disappeared from his own bday.

but anyways. it's not that Bilbo lacks purpose, it's just that he's more content with a quieter life. and it seems like his quiet life would balance you out well! like the Shire is so so chill, and there doesn't really seem to be a lot of pressure on the hobbits to pick a profession. like they just genuinely do what needs to get done.

similarly, Bilbo is the type who seems a little bothered by mushy displays of affection. exhibit a: disappearing from his own bday. like he's much more the type to refill your tea when y'all are reading by the fireplace, which he would totally do w you

it will probs take you a little while to warm up to each, given just how introverted you both are. but when he explains that he has set ways of doing things, then if they're compatible w your ways of doing things, then it doesn't take you long to open up to him

like it'll be a little jarring, but he takes comfort in his routines too. and it'll be an event trying to incorporate both of your ways of life together, but he's willing to do it

overall, yours is a very quaint partnership, built on deep respect for one another. neither of you are going to push the other to do things you aren't into. and y'all just live your best lives together tbh :)

For The Man From U.N.C.L.E - I ship you with Illya Kuryakin !

I love my big Russian spy so much, so this is fun for me

so Illya is the epitome of reserved and generally quiet, so it might take a while to really break down his walls and talk to him. and he's not quite sure what to do with you once you join the team

but, he's playing his game of chess alone, and when you sit down and ask to play with him, he opens up a little more after that

if you're one who get sent out on mission with the team, get ready, bc sometimes those missions require a lot of improvising. but you'd probably be at whatever 'base' was, helping run operations from a more secure place. but Illya and Napoleon improvise a lot, leading to a lot of headaches for you and Waverly

Illya has small bursts of anger, but similar to Gaby, most times, you can intervene and he doesn't get violent. or when he does, he tries to make sure it isn't in front of you. but bc you care so deeply for him, you're there for him in the aftermath. and that's how you show your love for him.

by patching him up if he gets cut, by talking him down when he's angry. and just generally trying to take care of him. and he totally does the same for you, especially if you get sent out into the field

and much to Illya's dismay, Solo doesn't refrain form making jokes about you. but if you can take them in stride, then Solo welcomes you into the team just as well :)

[kinsey3furry300]

A very confused Star Wars Fan desperately tries to justify their belief that “Caravan of Courage” shows the way forward for the franchise. No, really.

Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve loved Star Wars. And I mean, all of it. The books, the games, the Lego, the spin-offs: I even enjoy the Holiday Special in a The Room so-bad-you-just-need-to-see-it sort of way.  But particularly the films. But here is when we run into the big problem: I’m just the wrong age. The original trilogy launched before I was born, the prequel trilogy hit cinemas when I was already a teen and while I went and saw them and enjoyed them, I was at that age where I was self-conscious about seeing a “kids” film, and hyper-aware of how silly and cringy those films were in parts. So my indoctrination, my inoculation with the Star Wars bug didn’t happen in the cinema, and it didn’t happen with any of the main franchise works. It happened on home video, on a skiing trip in the French Alps in the early 90’s. I’d have been about 6, and this was the first time I’d ever been abroad other than to see relatives in Ireland.  And I loved it: to this day I love skiing, but more than that, I have very, very fond childhood memories of this trip. This was shortly before I lost my biological mother to cancer, she’d have received her diagnosis just after we got back from the trip. This was when my younger sister stopped being an annoying screaming thing and became and became an actual person I could talk and play and share ideas with, this was before the combination my mothers long illness and my father having just launched his own IT start up meant I didn’t see him or her any more, despite the fact they were in the same house as me. This was this wonderful, nostalgic child-hood bubble when my family was intact, and nothing could ever go wrong. I skied all day with mum and dad, and would come back to the chalet in the evening. It was an English speaking chalet, I met my first real-life American there, and having grown up in the 90’s in the UK nothing was cooler than making friends with an actual American my own age. He had a hulk Hogan action figure with springs in the legs so if you put him on a hard surface and punched his head down, when you let go he’d jump really high in the air. We used to play with it together in the bath, back in that weird 90’s time-bubble when it was possible to convince two sets of parents that this kid you’d just met was you best friend in the world and of course shared bath time was, somehow, normal and appropriate. And fresh from bath time, tired from the day, the parents would give us some hot coco, dump us kids in front of the tv and grab the first shitty low-budget VHS they could find to keep us distracted while they went to the bar. In this particular time, in this particular place, that shitty low budget cartoon was the  complete set of the 1985 Lucasfilm/ABC Ewoks cartoon, plus the two spin off movies, and to this day that cheap, kitschy, kind of bad series has a special warm and cosy place in my heart. I remember being enthralled by the world, in love with the characters, applied by the bad guys and the injustice they caused (to this day I’m still irate about that time Wicket lost his set of beads documenting his progress towards becoming a full warrior and the older Ewoks basically said, tough, you need to re-earn all those merit badges from scratch. This struck me as exactly the sort of bullshit an adult would pull, and pissed me off) and on tenterhooks about what would happen to the characters.

It was also, by a coincidence, the first ever Star Wars media I was exposed to, and the above combination of events probably explains a lot about me.

So I was surprised, the other day, when scrolling Disney+, to find they’d added Caravan of Courage AND Battle for Endor to the roster in my region. Surely Disney wouldn’t want their slick, cool brand associated with this old trash? Surely there could be no place for this in the post-Mandalorian Star Wars cannon? Surely this is a horrible mistake some intern made, right?

Unless…. What if I’ve miss-remembered? What if it’s not just rose-tinted nostalgia goggles, and it’s, in fact, secretly really, really good?

I rushed to my comfy chair, got a blanket, dimmed the lights, made some coco (with rum in it, because why the hell not?) and sat down to re-examine this lost gem.

And wow: it’s every bit as shit as you’d expect.

It has aged exactly as poorly as you’d expect a cheap, mid 80’s direct to video spin-off to age. Caravan of Courage? More like Caravan of Garbage, am I right?

And yet… I still enjoyed every moment.

And it was sitting there, in my pyjamas, watching a cheaply made direct to video cash-grab from just before I was born, seeing it again for the first time in nearly 30 years, and I realised something.

It doesn’t really matter if this film is bad, so long as I enjoy it. And if it doesn’t really mater if this is bad, then I, like many Star Wars fans, wasted a huge amount of time and emotional effort on being butthurt about stuff I didn’t like about the Rise of Skywalker and it’s ilk. Because somewhere, right now, a tired and frustrated parent is putting Disney+ on to keep their kids quiet for two hours. And they won’t think too hard about what they put on, so long as it keeps little Timmy busy for a bit. Somewhere, right now, a kid is watching Rise of Skywalker, and it’s the first Star Wars media they’ve ever seen.

And that’s okay. Because we don’t know what that kids home life is like. We don’t know if it’s good or bad. Maybe it’s great, maybe it’s about to take a dramatic plunge like mine did, and this moment here will be the cosy, warm memory they look back on in 30 years time, and that’s beautiful.  They’re getting introduced to a fun, wonderful fantasy world that could be with them all their lives, through good times and bad, and as fans we should be happy about that.

Star Wars will never, die: it’s too darn profitable, Disney will never let it. And while I hope they learn from their mistakes and make sure every future Star Wars is a timeless gem of story-telling, statistically, if you keep making enough films, some of them will be bad. And while I’d like them all to be great, it’s still okay if they’re bad.

Because nothing can take away my memories of that week in that chalet. Nothing can take-away my memories of when they put the original trilogy on in cinemas for the special edition and I had my jaw hit the floor with how good it was on the big screen, not knowing or caring who shot first. Nothing can take away you memories of the Original Trilogy, the Prequels, or the Clone Wars. Nothing can tarnish the bits of the sequil trilogy that you like, and there are good bits in there.

But wait, what about continuity? What about the sacred, perfect written time-line that used to exist?

Well, what about it? Have you seen any other big, epic fantasy universe before? They’re all a mess. A work of fiction, particularly fantasy, can be extensive, or tightly written, but not both. Harry Potter is only seven books, and the last two feel, tonally, like they’re from an entirely different series. I love them, but the grim-dark kicked in so fast you’ll get whiplash. The Hobbit is a perfect written self-contained novel, and LOTR is *The* big boy high-fantasy trilogy: fast forward 50 years, and Christopher Tolkien is desperately squeezing every last drop of money out of his father’s corpse by finishing and publishing every unfinished note JRR ever wrote right down to his shopping lists. Even Dune goes of the rails with sequels. I can only think of four fantasy works that are both extensive and consistently tightly written, Song of Ice and Fire, Wheel of Time, Malazan: Book of the Fallen and Brandon Sanderson’s Cosmere universe. And even then, the prequels and spin-offs mess with the timelines: the Dunk and Egg novella’s change some character’s canonical ages and timelines, Wheel of Time was going slowly off the rails even before the Jordan died, Forge of Darkness made what was a good metaphor for the creation of it’s world into a literal war deep in the past, and Sanderson’s first Novel Elantris got a re-write to bring it more in line with the rest of the shared universe. The MCU, oft held up as the modern example of tightly planned, well thought out ongoing storytelling, is a lie: it was never as pre-planned out as Disney wants us to think; the first Iron Man, apparently, barely had a script, with Downey ad-lib-ing most of his scenes. None of the MCU films are direct sequels to each-other other than Infinity war and Endgame. There are three Iron Man films, and Three Thor films, and none continue an ongoing story line across multiple films, and the Cap films barely continue an arc, but only where Cap’s relationship with Natasha and Bucky is involved.  Much like these, Star War’s cannon is a complete, nightmarish, confusing, tangled, illogical mess. And it has been since 1984, as Caravan of Courage proves. It was never consistent and well planned.

And that’s okay.

I used to care about plot holes. I used to care about which works were cannon in Star Wars lore. I’m over that now. I’m happy to imagine the books, films and games not as a blow-by-blow historical account of a galaxy far far away, but as campfire stories from within this fun, imaginative world that we’re all invited to listen to. Stories that are in-universe myth and folklore, that we can all snuggle up and listen to while drinking highly alcoholic rum and remembering better times, knowing that wherever the future throws at us, no matter how the world goes to hell around us, we’ll still have the memories, and the ability to make our own new stories in the wonderful Star Wars world we all share.

And that’s okay. No, more than that: that’s beautiful.

Also Star Wars is completely unambiguous on the fact we’re allowed to kill fascists no matter how many times they keep coming back with a new logo, so that’s timely I guess.

So, there’s my hot take two-years after everyone else stopped caring about this stuff, as per bloody usual. Tell me why I’m wrong below, and does anyone else have any truly awful spin-off shows that they kind of have a nostalgic soft spot for?

[lathalea]

The Hobbit: DOS: The Appendices, Part 10 (4/4)

Last Friday, we, The Hobbit group (aka the Dwarf Lovers aka The Cult of Saint Bofur) spent yet another evening on rewatching The Hobbit Behind the Scenes. Sorry for the delay with this post, this week has been pretty busy for me.

Here’s what we were up to this time:

Beorn's house and Edoras were inspired by Old Norse architecture as it was described in Beowulf. So, basically they are saying again that Tolkien was a fanfic writer and was writing fics inspired by Beowulf!

Thorin and Dwalin are amazed by the breathtaking view at Beorn’s. That, or Dwalin is catching some flies for dinner.

A lot of time passes, they are talking about the process of visual creation, but there are no dwarves in sight. Finally...

HAVE YOU SEEN THORIN? I saw Thorin's back, I am happy now, thank you.

Beorn lived an alternative lifestyle and was a vegetarian, had beehives you know Bee-orn It turns out chonky bees are cgi PETITION TO MAKE CHONKY BEES!!!

RA 1. appears on screen; 2. SPEAKS. Everyone: RA THE VOICE the beard! swoon   

And then guess who shows up again... Everyone: THORIN RA FAINTS THE HAIR ahhhh ❤️ I love how everyone just short circuits every time Thorin comes on  me: calmly points out ra y'all: alskdjf;lasdkjflsdfj;saldkf The true identity of Beorn is revealed! I just realized Beorn likes honey cuz he’s a bear changer I just thought my man had a sweet tooth or he made tons of mead and got drunk like a proper viking Beorn the Pooh

Tsk-tsk, Martin! 🤣🤣🤣 The dwarves can’t open the door at Beorns. They're all distracted because of the knockers dwarves be like: mine are bigger! Thorin can open the door because he is the chosen one I think Dwalin's head can open it

A detail for Beorn’s house with Yggdrasil and Huginn and Muninn (or maybe Roäc and Carc?).

Cuteness! ❤️ Even the carved boar gets his private language coach!

RA is fascinated by the wood carvings at Beorn's. Everyone squeals and faints OK Thorin approved the Beorn's decorations, the movie can continue!

It turns out that Old Bilbo has one of Beorn’s chess pieces in his chest. so Bilbo stole a chess piece!!! YOU LITTLE THIEF ... burglar

Scary tolkien forests but he liked trees! tolkien said "youre gonna read about lots of trees and youre gonna like it!" and we said "okay"

Mirkwood is a hippy hallucinogenic forest and there are shrooms MirkWoodstock 2941!

So the dwarves get lost in Mirkwood because they were stoned. Was Thorin in Bag End stoned too? No, Hobbit town planning is just wacked :D Or he was very, very stoned and that is probably why he got lost TWICE! 🤣

Time for Mirkwood! Thrandy, the Princess of Mirkwood! One of the Disney Princesses.

But then, in Mirkwood...

EVERYBODY LOOK! It’s Thorin! faints

John Howe made lots of concept art with waterfalls in Mirkwood. If I would be there I would be in the bathroom every five minutes with all those waterfalls How did the elves withstand it? They're elves, they don't need to pee like common mortals! Thranduil needs the waterfalls for his L'Oréal commercials Wrong commercial but... Maybe he was born with it... maybe it's Maybelline... The way Smaug says ‘barrel’... B a r r e l Bilbo talking about all his names Smaug: sleeping Bilbo: Barrel rider... Smaug wakes up: Barrels? I like Barrels! 👀 When Smaug was a lil' Smaugy, his momma would take him to play with elven barrels on the river Smaug: Mama! May we go to Thranduil's Barrel Ride at Universal Studios? I would very much like to go!

RA speaks in his Thorin voice. Everyone: AAAH THE VOICE! V. O. I. C. E faints THE VOICE There’s a lot of ice floating around in the fishing town of Laketown.

i bet if we were there, we  would do the same 🤣🤣🤣 Bard disapproved He thought the dick jokes were a bit... Fishy he was the one who made it! Bard voice: excuse i have children He sees something like that and just covers Tilda's eyes with his hand

Aaaand Fili is there too! DEAN DEAN DEAN The actor playing Bain says he’d love to do some paintball at the Laketown set. "Paintball in Laketown" now available at Universal Studios

Thorin's back appears. AHHHH faints discreetly Peter Jackson says:

we were supposed to have a separate Thorin/ heirs of Durin theme.... but we were ROBBED! howard shore give us the forbidden heirs of durin theme!!! NOW!

Thorin’s hair Mirkwood Edition. Thorin's hair is fab even in the muddy, spider infested, rotting Mirkwood... Maybe he was born with it... maybe it's Maybelline...

At least we got a decent Erebor theme.

Stupid Smaug escapes from the liquid gold bath. Don’t you know it’s good for your skin?!

Smaug: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! i’m spinning!  i'm spinniiiiiing!

We had a great time, as always! Thank you all for coming 💙💙💙

@deathlikessodaandpizza​ @estethell​ @fizzyxcustard​ @something-witty-and-sarcastic​ @guardianofrivendell​ @bigsmallworld​ @misfit-with-a-pen​ @mountains-under-the-moon​ @oreo-cookies-fan​ @bananzer​ @thewarriorandtheking​ @avaria-revallier​ @jentaculargums​ --- Missed The Appendices part 7, 8, 9 & 10? Here they are: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 Want to see how silly we were when watching The Hobbit? See here.

Thank you everyone for tonight, that was fun :D