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olrastrologytarot · 9 months ago

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Soul Loss, Soul Retrieval, and Mental Health: Bridging Ancient Wisdom and Modern Healing

The concept of soul loss and its counterpart, soul retrieval, have deep roots in shamanic traditions and ancient healing practices. These concepts offer a spiritual framework for understanding the fragmentation of the self and the path to wholeness. While soul loss and retrieval are often discussed within spiritual or metaphysical contexts, their relevance to modern mental health is increasingly recognized. Exploring the interplay between these ancient practices and contemporary approaches to mental health can provide valuable insights into healing the psyche and the spirit.

Soul Loss: The Fragmentation of the Self

Soul loss is a term used in various spiritual traditions to describe a state in which a part of an individual’s soul, or vital essence, becomes detached or fragmented due to trauma, stress, or intense emotional experiences. In shamanic belief systems, the soul is seen as a complex and multifaceted entity that can be affected by life’s challenges. When a person undergoes a traumatic event, such as abuse, grief, or a life-threatening situation, it is believed that a part of their soul may separate as a protective mechanism. This is sometimes described as the soul "leaving" to avoid experiencing overwhelming pain.

The symptoms of soul loss can manifest in many ways, often paralleling what modern psychology might describe as depression, dissociation, anxiety, or PTSD. Common signs of soul loss include feelings of emptiness, numbness, disconnection from oneself and others, a lack of vitality, chronic sadness, and a pervasive sense of incompleteness. Individuals experiencing soul loss might describe feeling as though they are "missing" a part of themselves, struggling with a void that cannot be filled by external means.

In traditional shamanic cultures, soul loss is not merely a psychological or emotional issue; it is seen as a spiritual crisis that requires intervention. Without addressing the root cause of soul loss, it is believed that individuals may remain stuck in patterns of suffering, unable to fully heal or move forward in life.

Soul Retrieval: The Journey to Wholeness

Soul retrieval is the process by which the lost or fragmented parts of the soul are recovered and reintegrated into the individual. In shamanic practice, this is typically facilitated by a shaman or healer who acts as an intermediary between the physical and spiritual worlds. The shaman journeys into the non-ordinary reality, often through the use of drumming, chanting, or other trance-inducing techniques, to locate the lost soul fragments and guide them back to the individual.

The process of soul retrieval is not just about recovering lost parts of the soul; it is also about healing the wounds that caused the fragmentation in the first place. This can involve confronting and releasing the pain, fear, or trauma that led to the soul’s departure, and creating a safe space for the soul to return. Once the soul fragments are reintegrated, individuals often report a renewed sense of energy, purpose, and connection to themselves and the world around them.

In a broader sense, soul retrieval can be seen as a metaphor for the journey of self-healing and personal growth. Just as the shaman works to retrieve lost soul fragments, individuals can engage in their own process of healing by exploring and addressing the parts of themselves that have been suppressed, denied, or forgotten. This can be done through various therapeutic practices, such as trauma therapy, inner child work, mindfulness, and meditation, which aim to bring unconscious aspects of the self into conscious awareness and integrate them into a cohesive whole.

The Intersection of Soul Loss, Soul Retrieval, and Mental Health

The concepts of soul loss and soul retrieval offer a rich framework for understanding many of the challenges faced in modern mental health. While these ideas are rooted in spiritual traditions, they resonate deeply with contemporary psychological understandings of trauma, dissociation, and the process of healing.

Trauma and Dissociation: In modern psychology, trauma is understood as an experience that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, leading to a range of symptoms that can affect emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Dissociation, a common response to trauma, involves a sense of disconnection from reality, the self, or one’s emotions. This mirrors the shamanic concept of soul loss, where parts of the self become fragmented as a protective response to trauma. Understanding trauma through the lens of soul loss can help to emphasize the holistic nature of healing, recognizing that the mind, body, and spirit are interconnected.

Therapeutic Integration: The practice of soul retrieval aligns with modern therapeutic approaches that seek to reintegrate fragmented aspects of the self. For example, trauma-focused therapies often involve revisiting and processing traumatic memories in a safe and supportive environment, much like how a shaman facilitates the return of lost soul fragments. Inner child work, another therapeutic approach, encourages individuals to reconnect with and heal the wounded parts of themselves that were formed in response to early life experiences, similar to the soul retrieval process.

Restoring Wholeness: Both soul retrieval and modern psychotherapy aim to restore a sense of wholeness and coherence to the individual’s identity. In soul retrieval, the goal is to reintegrate the lost parts of the soul, allowing the individual to reclaim their full self. In psychotherapy, the aim is often to help individuals integrate their experiences, emotions, and identities into a cohesive whole, leading to greater self-awareness, self-acceptance, and well-being. Both approaches recognize the importance of reclaiming one’s power and agency in the healing process.

Spiritual Dimensions of Healing: While modern mental health approaches tend to focus on the psychological and emotional aspects of healing, the concept of soul retrieval brings attention to the spiritual dimensions of recovery. For many individuals, healing from trauma or mental illness involves not just addressing psychological symptoms, but also reconnecting with a sense of meaning, purpose, and spirituality. Practices like mindfulness, meditation, and even the exploration of spiritual traditions can be important tools in the journey toward healing and wholeness.

Conclusion: Integrating Ancient Wisdom with Modern Healing

The concepts of soul loss and soul retrieval offer valuable insights into the nature of trauma, dissociation, and healing. While these ideas come from ancient shamanic traditions, they resonate strongly with contemporary understandings of mental health, highlighting the deep connections between the mind, body, and spirit.

By exploring the intersections between soul retrieval and modern therapeutic practices, individuals can gain a more holistic understanding of healing, one that honors both the psychological and spiritual dimensions of the self. Whether through traditional shamanic practices or modern psychotherapy, the journey to wholeness involves reclaiming and integrating all parts of the self, ultimately leading to greater well-being, resilience, and a sense of inner peace.

#mysticism #occultism #metaphysics #mystic #astro community #spiritual journey #spirituality #soul #soul loss #soul retrieval #shamanism #mental health #mental illness #chatgpt

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hermeticphoenix · 2 years ago

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A Powerful Meditation from Mercury

One night, I contacted an angel of Mercury named Vehuiah through telepathy. I usually contact Nith-Haiah, another Shemhamporash angel, to assist me in my spiritual path. Nith-Haiah is very friendly and wise and he is quite similar to Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings. Vehuiah is also wise but he has a more serious personality. Then, I told Vehuiah about my issue and he gave me a simple yet powerful meditation.

The purpose of this meditation is to eliminate unwanted and negative thought patterns as well as to let go of any false attachments that are constantly and subconsciously bothering us. This is just a short meditation so you can do this anytime and anywhere.

Choose a comfortable position. You can sit down or lie down. Make sure you are not tired or sleepy as it is difficult to concentrate when you are experiencing this.

Calm down your mind and your body. You can do mindful breathing or counting. At first, our mind would be occupied by thoughts. After some time, our mind would become much clearer like a clear evening sky.

When you feel relaxation, imagine a particular negative attachment or anything that makes you triggered. For example, a toxic person, or an ex. Imagine that person in front of you. You have a mental connection to that person and that mental vibration opposes the other entity. So imagine that the mental connection you have with that person is slowly dissolving. You can do this by imagining waves of energy which connect you to the other person, and these waves are slowly fading away. As these waves disappear, you will feel that you are no longer connected to that person. So anything, let’s say, this toxic friend would do to you would no longer affect you negatively.

You can also do this meditation by imagining yourself to remove limiting beliefs. Sometimes, we are so focused on the external world that we are constantly reacting to our environment, without thinking or analyzing the situation. So imagine yourself, with detachment, and then visualize negative thoughts you have for yourself. For example, if you feel lonely because you are alone or you think no one understands you, you can dissolve that kind of mental vibration you have for yourself. This can be a difficult thing to do since it requires absolute honesty. If you are lying to yourself, then this meditation could not help you. Secondly, most people harshly judge themselves, whether they know it or not. Such people tend to be very judgmental towards others and they feel separation.

You can also do this meditation by imagining any types of negative attachment, not only people or material things, but also unhelpful or obsessive ideas, thoughts, habits, and beliefs. From this, you can learn non-attachment, self-control, mental discipline, forgiveness, and how to let go.

Some people want to keep their attachments, thinking that such things make them happy. Other negative attachments, such as a traumatic event, are kept by some people to defend themselves subconsciously. That is why some people have a belief system that is rooted in pain and not in love. They are usually bitter, judgmental, close-minded, and very defensive. This can lead to a false sense of security and prevent them from seeking the help they need to heal from their trauma.

Take note that this meditation can help people to have a clearer mind and to remove negative thought patterns about themselves and others. This is not a substitute for professional mental health therapy.

#spirituality #magick #occult #spiritual knowledge #spiritualguidance #psychic #hermeticism #witch tip #esotericism #occultism

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solar-nexus-space-station · 4 months ago

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Solar Nexus Personnel File: Dr. Evelyn Corwin

1. General Information

Name: Dr. Evelyn Corwin

Species: Human (Homo sapiens)

Age: 30 Earth years

Rank/Position: Xeno-Medical Researcher & Bioethical Specialist aboard the Solar Nexus Space Station

Affiliation: Solar Nexus Medical Division

Specialization: Genetic medicine, interspecies bioethics, and experimental xeno-therapies

2. Physical Description

Height: 5'7" (1.7 meters)

Build: Lean, well-maintained but not overly muscular, reflecting a lifestyle of intense mental focus rather than physical conditioning.

Skin: Fair with a slight golden undertone.

Eyes: Sharp green, intelligent and observant, with a piercing analytical gaze.

Hair: Dark brown, wavy, usually pulled back into a practical style (either a low ponytail or a messy bun when deep in research).

Distinctive Features:

A faint scar along her left hand—an old lab accident from her early days in experimental virology.

Holo-display implants integrated into her medical uniform, allowing real-time genetic scans and diagnostic readouts.

Always carries a personal medical datapad, customized with encrypted research notes and patient files.

3. Psychological Profile & Personality

A. Core Traits

Highly intelligent and fiercely analytical, Evelyn is one of the foremost experts in interspecies medicine and bioethics.

Uncompromising in her moral code, often clashing with those who favor pragmatism over ethics in scientific advancement.

Deeply empathetic, though she often hides her emotions behind a veneer of professionalism and sharp wit.

Has little patience for bureaucracy, believing that red tape often hinders medical progress rather than ensuring safety.

Harbors a deep distrust of corporate medical entities, having previously exposed an illegal genetic modification program that endangered hybrid children.

B. Strengths & Weaknesses

[Image ID: Table outlining the Traits, Strengths, and Weaknesses of Dr. Evelyn Corwin.]

Medical Expertise

- Strength: One of the most advanced xeno-geneticists aboard Solar Nexus, able to diagnose and treat rare conditions.

- Weakness: Often prioritizes medical advancement over diplomacy, creating friction with bureaucrats and security personnel.

Ethical Integrity

- Strength: Refuses to compromise on moral principles, making her a trusted voice in medical debates.

- Weakness: This strict moral stance sometimes blinds her to necessary compromises in emergency situations.

Scientific Precision

- Strength: Exceptional in genetic sequencing, experimental medicine, and cross-species immunology.

- Weakness: Over-resilience on scientific data can lead her to dismiss intuitive or spiritual healing methods.

Quick Thinking Under Pressure

- Strength: Can perform high-risk medical procedures with composure, even in chaotic situations.

- Weakness: Prone to intellectual arrogance, sometimes believing she is the only one who fully understands the situation.

Resilience to Emotional Manipulation

- Strength: Years of experience in bioethics debates and corporate resistance have made her immune to political pressure.

- Weakness: Her detached demeanor makes it difficult for others to connect with her on a personal level.

4. Background & Service Record

A. Early Life & Medical Training

Born into a prestigious Earth-based medical family, Evelyn was expected to follow a traditional path in human medicine.

Instead, she developed an obsession with xeno-medicine, believing that the future of human medical advancements lay in interspecies collaboration.

She studied genetic medicine at the prestigious Orion Institute of Xeno-Sciences, where she was mentored by some of the foremost experts in interspecies biology.

B. The Whistleblower Incident

At age 26, Evelyn uncovered an illegal genetic modification experiment on hybrid children within a corporate-funded medical program.

The research involved forced gene-splicing to enhance physical and cognitive traits, violating multiple bioethical laws.

She exposed the project publicly, leading to her exile from major corporate medical networks and forcing her to work in independent research stations.

The incident made her both famous and infamous, with some praising her moral courage and others seeing her as a reckless idealist.

C. Recruitment to Solar Nexus

After years of freelance bio-research and humanitarian medical work, she was recruited by Solar Nexus Medical Division for her expertise in xeno-genetic disorders.

She now works on developing ethical medical advancements for interspecies medicine while ensuring corporate interests do not exploit scientific research.

5. Relationships & Interactions

A. Estella Saaller – Science vs. Resonance

Evelyn and Estella have a strong mutual respect but often argue about the role of non-scientific healing methods.

While Evelyn admires Estella’s ability to connect emotionally with patients, she remains skeptical of Zyrrhan resonance healing, believing it lacks empirical validation.

However, when traditional medicine fails, Evelyn has grudgingly admitted that Estella’s resonance therapy has saved lives.

B. Kaelen Veythos – The Rational vs. The Tactical

Evelyn and Kaelen have a tense but functional working relationship, often clashing over priorities in crisis situations.

Kaelen believes Evelyn overcomplicates medical procedures with ethical debates, while Evelyn criticizes Kaelen for prioritizing combat solutions over humanitarian concerns.

Despite their differences, Kaelen trusts her medical expertise, and Evelyn trusts him to protect her in dangerous situations.

C. Liora Vesryn – The Unlikely Friendship

At first, Evelyn dismissed Liora’s musical healing methods as pseudo-science.

However, after studying Sarynite harmonic frequencies, she realized they had measurable effects on neural stability.

Their friendship grew as Evelyn began viewing music as a potential complementary therapy, and Liora helped Evelyn reconnect with her own emotions.

6. Conflicts & Personal Struggles

A. The Nysari Dilemma – Scientific Discovery vs. Ethics

Nysari’s bioluminescent resonance signature does not match any known Zyrrhan or hybrid genetic pattern.

Evelyn believes Nysari may represent a new stage of genetic evolution, possibly engineered rather than naturally born.

She is conflicted between her scientific curiosity and her moral responsibility—if Nysari was artificially created, does she have the right to alter or study them?

B. The Ghosts of the Whistleblower Incident

The corporation she exposed has resurfaced, and they may be linked to the illegal research on Nysari.

She now fears that her past will put the entire Solar Nexus station at risk.

7. Final Thoughts – The Significance of Dr. Evelyn Corwin

A brilliant yet controversial scientist, navigating the line between ethics and discovery.

A woman haunted by the past, but unwilling to let it define her.

The one person who might uncover the truth about Nysari’s origins—but at what cost?

#Evelyn Corwin #Dr. Evelyn Corwin #Solar Nexus #Solar Nexus Intergalactic Space Station #Solar Nexus Space Station #Tarkaan #Original Characters #OC #Space station #intergalactic #original fiction #space station role play #roleplay #space station RP #Personnel file #personnel files #solar nexus personnel file #solar nexus personnel files

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lavelled · 11 months ago

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charming sibling tapestry.

Harrow:

KING BUYS LUXE CONDO UNIT 11A AT THE CANADIAN CONSULATE OF NEW YORK.

Did Daddy’s unfavorite son get his very own rape room?

A young hockey player angered you.

Lots of people don’t like you. Move your swivel chair. They say you’re ostracized poison.

Your response to me was prohibiting me from seeing my dead cult when this is over. Little absurdist rape-recruit criminal. Shouldn’t you be tantrum throwing or rewatching Fight Club?

For years, regal elegance has trended online. Cheaply achieved. I wouldn’t flaunt performance art to the unsuspecting public on a worldwide platform, for profit, with no artistic entity to sell, with a man who clearly didn’t love me. The stepping back as senior royals to enjoy private life in California is him realizing oh wait the hands-tied, pathological-lying ruse is catching up to me. Don’t get me wrong: they still cash in. British and Hollywood fans have been in a steady decline, thankfully.

In spoiler-filled Xotel Harry, we’ve lifted digital camouflaging for Archillect, Murat Pak, Piers Morgan, narrating English football in UK time, and Elon Musk. Typing martyr today? Soulless. You tweeted: Put Never Went To Therapy On My Gravestone when I left the cave site. Google musk never gone to therapy Feb 28.

In the meantime, there’s a Tom Cruise marathon of cinema. Syfy. Disney. Animal Planet. I haven’t seen, A Few Good Men, since 1992. Sharp Sorkin dialogue. In minute seven, Tom’s in Washington, DC in a baseball team uniform, Boston Red Sox cap, playing SOFTBALL, and dropping effortlessly hip references to oregano. That’s me! Those are my letters. He did read them. You were 8.

Far from the entertainment business, your family of high principles did this because unlimited access to wealth and privilege can be toilsome. I don’t know what it’s like to be born into such elevated social status. If I cobbled together the trappings of royal life for a babied prince, I’d get that the necessary detachment and trafficking saved you from shocking abuse.

Skydiving, English football, tennis matches. Premiere of movie, Spice World, in the somber year of 1997. A three-pronged holiday ski trip in Whistler, Canada in 1998. Regular family trips to Klosters Ski Resort in Switzerland. Romantic ski vacation in exclusive resort in Kazakhstan. Endless photog evidence of you leaving London nightclubs. On a motorcycle in South Africa. First pitch at Mets game. Stag parties. Caught naked in a VIP suite in Las Vegas. Sprinting with Usain Bolt in Jamaica. Charity polo matches. Meeting Rihanna in Barbados on World Aids Day. Visiting Casablanca to promote girls’ education. Videotaping a challenge to the Obamas. Taping heartfelt message to Elton John. Speech at the United Nations for Nelson Mandela Day. Chairing Vax Live: The Concert to Reunite the World. Spouses accepting Kennedy Human Rights Award for leadership to dismantle structural racism. Meeting human rights icon, Desmond Tutu. Date night at The Lion King premiere. Obstacle course race with James Corden. Super Bowl 2022 with your cousin. Chat show and podcast interviews for Book. Hosting The Kinsey African American Art & History Collection in LA. Katy Perry concert. Beyoncé Renaissance concert.

Seems stifling.

My life has been a little different.

When the British press published cavorting Vegas pictures in 2012 titled, Heir It Is, why are you in a Let’s Get Wild Lauren’s Bachelorette shirt? Are you not admitting to being my older male cousin by proxy, locking up a little girl for arranged marital sex?

What is it about music that is lightning crashes, would you capture it, genie in a bottle, can’t find a better man, dearly beloved, guess the fortune teller’s right, the club isn’t the best place, shut up and dance, it’s gonna be me. Your vinyl-shaped rapey spinster schoolchild code is caught in youtubing stories full of tellers.

Welcome to the Internet—Bo Burnham. Toby Keith—How Do You Like Me Now. Bad Wolves—Zombie. Skillet—Monster. Avenged Sevenfold—Hail To The King. Avicii with Aloe Blacc—Wake Me Up—Tim Bergling traveled to Muscat, Oman to fatally wound himself 5 years later.

#reading #books

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manav-007 · 1 year ago

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Role Of Rahu And Ketu In Our Life - Jyotishay

Welcome to our Jyotishay blog where we delve into the fascinating realm of Jyotish or Vedic Astrology and explore the significance of Rahu and Ketu in shaping our lives.

Jyotishay or Vedic Astrology is an ancient Indian system of astrology that has been guiding people for centuries. It is based on the positions of celestial bodies and their influence on human affairs. Among the key celestial entities in Jyotishay astrology are Rahu and Ketu, known as the lunar nodes.

Rahu and Ketu are shadow planets that play a crucial role in astrological interpretations. They are points where the paths of the Sun and Moon intersect, symbolizing karmic influences and past-life energies in a person's chart.

Understanding Rahu and Ketu:

Rahu: Rahu is often associated with desires, obsessions, worldly pursuits, and materialism. It represents sudden changes, ambition, and the urge to experience life's pleasures. When Rahu is prominent in a chart, it can indicate areas where a person may be driven to excel or where challenges related to overindulgence may arise.

Ketu: In contrast, Ketu signifies spirituality, detachment, introspection, and the quest for higher knowledge. It represents past-life experiences, wisdom gained from challenges, and areas where one may need to let go or detach for spiritual growth. Ketu's influence can bring about periods of introspection, solitude, and a focus on inner development.

Impact on Different Areas of Life:

Career and Ambition: Rahu's influence can lead to ambitious career pursuits, a desire for recognition, and success in unconventional fields. However, it can also bring unexpected changes or challenges that require adaptability. Ketu's influence may steer individuals towards spiritual vocations, research-oriented work, or unconventional paths that prioritize inner fulfillment over material success.

Relationships: Rahu's influence in relationships can indicate intense attractions, karmic connections, and lessons related to desires and attachments. Ketu's influence may bring experiences that highlight the need for detachment, spiritual compatibility, and growth through letting go of past patterns.

Health: Rahu's influence can manifest in health challenges related to overindulgence, addictions, or sudden ailments requiring swift action. Ketu's influence may point towards healing through alternative therapies, spiritual practices, and addressing underlying emotional or karmic imbalances.

Consulting an Astrologer:

While understanding Rahu and Ketu's role is insightful, it's crucial to consult a knowledgeable astrologer for a personalized analysis. A qualified Jyotishay astrologer can assess the placement of these nodes in your birth chart, their aspects, and their interactions with other planets to provide valuable insights into your life's path, challenges, and opportunities.

Conclusion:

Rahu and Ketu hold a significant place in Jyotishay or Vedic Astrology, representing karmic influences, desires, spiritual evolution, and life lessons. By understanding their energies and consulting with experienced astrologers, individuals can gain clarity, make informed decisions, and navigate life's journey with greater awareness and purpose.

So next time you're curious about your own personality or seeking guidance on important life decisions don't hesitate to delve into your natal chart or consult with an experienced astrologer online through chat with astrologers of Jyotishay who can offer personalized insights based on nakshatra readings & Download the Jyotishay app today and unlock the celestial wisdom that awaits within. Embrace the wisdom of Jyotish and unlock the secrets of your cosmic path with the guidance of Jyotishay.

#role of rahu and ketu in our life #rahu and ketu #jyotishay #chat with astrologers #astrology

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drheidikling · 1 year ago

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Reclaiming Joy- Therapy's Role in Overcoming Anxiety

In today's hectic world, where stress and uncertainty frequently overshadow our lives, the pursuit of genuine happiness often feels like a distant dream. Individuals grapple with anxiety, a prevalent companion that quietly extends its tendrils around day-to-day existence, subtly dimming the once vibrant colors of life. Struggling with the ebb and flow of such emotions can lead to a foggy sense of reality, where joy feels out of reach. However, in this challenging atmosphere, there is a beacon of hope. Dr. Heidi Kling PhD, a seasoned clinical psychologist, offers a distinctive pathway towards rediscovering the joy that seems lost. This pathway threads through the therapeutic landscape, where one can learn to navigate life's complexities and reclaim the brightness of existence.

Dr. Heidi Kling PhD, a distinguished and empathetic clinical psychologist with over two decades of experience, offers a beacon of hope in the challenging terrain of anxiety and stress. She provides an innovative and unique pathway to rediscover the joy that often seems obscured in the foggy landscape of modern life. This pathway meanders through the healing fields of therapy - a journey that is not simply about alleviating immediate distress but also about fostering resilience and personal growth. The process encourages introspection, helping clients to understand and resolve the root causes of their distress, which often lie in past experiences now manifesting as debilitating symptoms such as anxiety or depression. Dr. Kling's approach involves assisting clients to manage their emotions in an adaptive manner while simultaneously promoting critical self-reflection to reduce the recurrence of such problems in the future. This journey with Dr. Kling is undoubtedly an exploration, a voyage into the self, aimed at navigating life's complexities and reclaiming the vibrant hues of existence that anxiety often shrouds.

Therapy is not a singular entity, but a tapestry woven from various approaches. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness-based therapies, psychodynamic therapy, and others form the threads of this intricate fabric. Each approach holds its unique methods and philosophies, offering individuals diverse avenues for understanding and overcoming anxiety.

CBT, one of the most widely practiced therapies, focuses on reshaping thoughts and behaviors. It helps individuals identify patterns of thinking that contribute to anxiety and replaces them with healthier, more adaptive ones. By challenging and reframing negative beliefs, CBT equips individuals with tools to navigate their inner landscapes more effectively.

Mindfulness-based therapies, rooted in ancient contemplative practices, encourage the cultivation of present-moment awareness. These therapies teach individuals to observe their thoughts and feelings without judgment, fostering a sense of detachment from the grip of anxiety. Through mindfulness, individuals develop resilience, learning to surf the waves of anxiety rather than being engulfed by them.

Psychodynamic therapy delves into the depths of the unconscious, exploring how past experiences shape present behaviors and emotions. By unraveling the threads of one's history, this approach illuminates the roots of anxiety, enabling individuals to confront and resolve underlying conflicts.

The allure of therapy lies not only in its multitude of forms but also in its intrinsic collaborative essence. This therapeutic journey is an intimate partnership between the therapist, in this case, Heidi Kling PhD, and the individual seeking help. This partnership creates a secure environment where vulnerability is met with understanding and compassion, giving birth to the seeds of healing. Within the confines of this sacred space, individuals could bare their souls, unraveling their stories, confronting fears, and articulating their aspirations. It is within this sphere that individuals begin to reclaim control over their lives, a process that is crucial in the journey towards wholeness. It is important to emphasize that this journey of self-discovery and healing is a collaborative effort. In this partnership, Heidi Kling PhD serves as a guiding force, providing a haven for individuals to explore their inner world, confront their fears, and unearth their dreams, all while feeling secure and supported. Through this partnership, individuals are empowered to reclaim their agency, rediscovering the joy that was once obscured by anxiety and stress.

Crucially, therapy provides a sanctuary for the exploration of emotions. Anxiety often suppresses joy, overshadowing moments of happiness with its relentless presence. Through therapy, individuals learn to acknowledge and embrace their emotions, including joy. By nurturing a deeper understanding of oneself, they carve pathways for joy to flourish once again.

Also, therapy serves as a laboratory for the cultivation of coping strategies. It's a place where individuals experiment with various techniques, honing their resilience in the face of anxiety's storm. Whether through breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or exposure therapy, individuals craft a toolbox of strategies tailored to navigate the ebbs and flows of anxiety.

However, the journey through therapy is not without its challenges. It demands courage—the courage to confront discomfort, to unearth buried pain, and to embrace vulnerability. It requires patience, as progress often unfolds gradually, akin to the gentle unfurling of a flower. Yet, within this journey lies the promise of rediscovery—a rediscovery of joy.

Reclaiming joy does not imply the absence of anxiety but rather the coexistence of joy alongside it. It's the art of finding moments of serenity amidst life's tumultuous seas. Therapy instills this art by fostering resilience, teaching individuals not to eliminate anxiety entirely but to cohabit with it, allowing joy to weave itself into the fabric of everyday life.

Indeed, the impact of therapy is not confined to the individual alone. As people regain their sense of joy, they emanate a positive influence that permeates their relationships and their wider communities. These individuals transform into sources of inspiration, encouraging others to initiate their healing journey. This ripple effect, fostered by the therapeutic partnership with Heidi Kling PhD, serves as a testament to the transformative power of therapy.

In the symphony of life, therapy harmonizes discordant notes, allowing the melody of joy to resound once more. It empowers individuals to rewrite their narratives, transforming anxiety's shadow into a catalyst for growth. Through introspection, guidance, and unwavering support, therapy illuminates the path toward reclaiming joy—a journey that transcends the confines of anxiety and embraces the full spectrum of human experience.

#dr heidi kling #heidi kling psychologist

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attollogame · 3 years ago

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1st Edition: Operator

When Attollo was called 'Mammon', Operator was not actually a character in the story. Operator only came to be a character when the first draft of Attollo as the comic was written shortly after I finished high school

Operator was initially a concept; he was meant to be this viral entity that could infect computers and televisions to spread messages

Operator was a black silhouette with two white dots for eyes and a static line that resembled a mouth; he was a lot more detached and cold in the initial draft. In fact, he was an antagonist!

Operator also initially did not have an age due to being a technological invention; he was omnipotent and ageless

In the second draft, Operator was altered to be an individual. Even then, he was older (mid 40's) but was as reclusive as he is now. It wasn't until the final draft that Operator was changed to be younger (to allow powered abilities) and had his antagonist title removed

Operator's back story wasn't actually finalized until the prologue of Attollo was released. It went through several revisions before I finally settled on a story I felt concisely explained how he came to be, offered an explanation for future events, and allowed him to feel like an actual individual to people.

His experience in a boys home for several years and the lack of knowledge about his true name and parentage will be crucial in future events.

Operator's appearance (auburn hair, blue eyes, freckled skin) also wasn't finalized until the prologue. He went from having blonde hair and dark eyes, to dark hair and dark eyes, all the way until auburn and blue were the chosen colours!

Operator's struggles with anxiety are based around real life experiences of both myself and those I know; this is a common theme with many of the char in Attollo. His therapy cat, Lily, is actually based on my sisters cat of the same name.

Operator was the final RO to be made for Attollo

#char:operator #facts

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holisticsoulhealer · 3 days ago

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Issues Solved Newsletter

This newsletter is a subject I can really get behind. It’s far better to live in deliberate pursuit of solution rather than living in or with a problem. Here’s some examples of how to accomplish this based on all the many years of guiding others to seek this position.

When a wife and mother came to me asking me how she was expected to cope with her hard working husband being gone more than at home, while she often felt she was raising their children single handed, I asked her one question. I asked her what it was that she had fallen in love with in the first place, that led her to marry the man who was the husband and father. She lit up as her eyes cast their way back, and she described a sexy hard working successful man, she couldn’t wait to see and go on dates with. I asked her if he was still the man that walked through her door every day. It took her not even a moment, and with a bit of a twinkle in her eye, to nod and say she still saw that guy. I asked her to remember that the hard working man may have felt even more incentive to work for a whole family, rather than just himself or even him and her.

There were children now. I invited her to create time for just him and her to go on dates, even in the home once the children were in bed, or to call in friends, family and share some nights off where the couple could escape responsibilities and have fun as a couple again. She smiled and began cooking up a plan. What we had accomplished was to play in the solution instead of dancing with the problem. The problem was she missed him and needed to let him know he was missed and loved. Who wouldn’t want to hear that?

One man came to see me who wanted to retire but had many employees in his business and felt so responsible he couldn’t release the business to take care of a life ahead he was desperately ready for. The guidance suggested that he could create a co-operative where employees had a share of the future and he could gradually let go, practicing being more and more retired until he simply was. He loved it and implemented it almost immediately. For him, the world of adventure was waiting to replace the commitments and responsibility.

There is always at least one or more solutions to every problem, provided we give ourselves permission to stand in that future reality. We are creators and it ‘s more creative to find and seek solutions than it is to keep reminding ourselves of the problem. In this way issues are solved.

As always, please share this post with anyone that you feel can benefit from it! Please like us on your social media channels and subscribe to our mailing list if you haven't already done so! We are mailing out a monthly newsletter and a recap each week of our blog posts and interesting tidbits! This is how you can stay informed with what is new in the world of The Holistic Soul Healer!!

Love & Blessings,

Ruth

Get personal with your Angels!! Connect with me and see what they have to say!!

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simblorbo-bracket · 4 months ago

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Round 1 - Simblr's Saddest, Wettest Meow Meow - Mainline

Saxen (@herecirmsims) VS. Nancy Landgraab (@fallstaticexit)

(polls are presented left -> right unless stated otherwise)

Who's sadder? Who's wetter? Read on for more information, and vote with your heart!

What is a ‘Meow Meow’?

(taken from tumblr user @/torturelabyrinth) “The thing about a true poor little meow meow is they have to be 1) downtrodden 2) morally questionable at best 3) deeply and pathetically miserable”

Saxen

Things Sax does extremely well: fainting and bleeding (separately), fainting and bleeding (combination), rotting in bed, crying or being completely stoic (no in between), causing more problems while trying to fix his previous problems, omitting certain truths (aka lying).

Now, I don't know if he really counts as an SWMM because he's not a classic villain... but in his pursuit of Doing The Right Thing he has made some awful choices. Good intentions, poor outcomes.

I present the evidence beneath the cut:

Some of his crimes:

In an attempt to save his sister, he left his post and facilitated the escape of a world-devouring entity which he was supposed to help contain.

After his sister died he made another attempt to save her, via necromancy, and instead doomed her to an endless cycle of death and rebirth. Until recently, none of her reincarnations were healthy enough to survive infancy.

He befriended the parents of this latest incarnation without filling them in on the backstory, or his motives. After they were killed by his enemy, he took the baby and kept her hidden for 11 years (did she have grandparents, uncles, aunts? Yes, probably. He claims they couldn't have cared for her like he did and technicallyyyy he's right, since her survival required magic, but...)

He broke the arm of one of his 'adopted' adult kids (he has an enchanted cottage which has been a refuge for a lot of people) when said adult tried to prevent him from killing someone else. Yes, technically he did only push Thom and didn't intend for Thom to hit the wall so hard, but...

Long story short but his home world didn't end, it was just knocked out of its timeline for a while. Unfortunately, due to his actions on the day the Grim escaped (attacking portal guards and forcing his way through the rift, just as an unrelated-to-him group stormed the castle), he was a) assumed dead and b) immediately arrested on his return for treason and attempted regicide.

He's a constant menace and cause of stress to his man, the kindest and sweetest soul to ever live. He doesn't mean to be, it's just that his attempts to keep Fen safe often seem to involve risking himself in increasingly creative and fatal ways.

Why should you vote for Sax? Well, I think his endless complex trauma and the fact that almost all his misfortunes happened because he was trying to fix things/help people makes him pretty damn tragic and definitely very damp. He could do with a win. Plus... look at him. 🥲

Nancy Landgraab

What makes Nancy a Sad, Wet Meow Meow? Our famously known townie turned OC is the Queen of Melancholy. She's closeted, she's religiously repressed, she's h*rny, she's rich, she carries the burden of her deceased elder brother, she's the bane of her mother's existence. When she's not internalizing her self loathing, she's gazing longingly into the distance thinking about a life free of her mother's judgement and status that she never wanted in favor of running free through a sunflower field kissing beautiful women. And when she manages to actually show up for her two sons, she's still so emotionally detached that this will very much come up in a therapy session later. Her husband is almost on his knees begging for her to smile but she's still pining after her first love while being married to said husband (who's a second runner up for SWMM tbh).

She's a cheater, she's a liar, she's about to get into some risky, sketchy business, she disappoints her children, she's morally grey, she's a top, she's catholic, she's a cougar, she likes to splurge on dr*gs and strippers, the list goes on. ahhh.

#sswmm m round 1 #sswmm #inactive

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aggressive-positivity-network · 4 years ago

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I’ve heard that writing down what I want from my body can help me get a better idea of which gender identity vest fits me, so here goes:

I want to have the collective sexual energy of all the Gorillaz members combined that I can pick and choose at will.

I want to be able to seduce anything that moves and is able to give knowing consent, but not actually…do anything with that?

Big Villain Energy (TM)

Big Mad Doctor But Actually Really Sensitive And Caring Energy (TM)

A collection of masks that shield my identity.

A trench coat with so many pockets.

Plague. Doctor.

I want people to guess what I am, and then give up.

I want my name to be Otto or Victor, and for people to say it with either warm friendliness or dark mystique.

Detachable boobs. But only for special occasions.

Gloves.

Whatever energy those old, British narrators wield.

Dove wings that flare out during the banging chorus of a song, because my arms just aren’t enough.

I want to be all of the Newsie’s at once.

Eyes that change color.

Long ears of any animal variety…as long as it’s soft.

I never want to speak, but for everyone to know exactly what I mean through a complicated set of hand gestures/ASL.

Whatever vibe Gary from the Club Penguin Spy Agency gives off. Like, Jesus, man, turn it off. Actually, you know what, you pass. As you were.

Wild, unkempt hair that always looks simultaneously like a just rolled out of bed AND I spent a day at the seaside.

No mouth, but wide eyes like Gromit. Or just a constantly covered mouth, like with a bandana or scarf. Maybe a black mask?

Fangs???

Overalls in every color of the rainbow. All pastel.

A collection of scarves.

Tears that are just huge spheres of water like in anime.

If Medic and Spy from TF2 had a child, and that child was both a dumbass and the smartest person alive.

A skinny whelp that my large partner will always want to put meat on the bones of.

Can I just absorb the entire country of Britain?

Being dressed as a faceless, genderless entity with a mask and handing out small treats to people from my picnic basket.

Mono from Little Nightmares

Scared Baby That The Group Always Wants To Hold (TM)

Tortured Soul (TM)

Edward Scissorhands

I want a gentle giant healer from a medieval peasant town to hold me.

So strong. Except when I’m not, and then I don’t feel bad about fishing for comfort because it doesn’t happen all that often.

Oh.

Oh wow.

This works better than therapy.

Jesus Christ, me, are you okay???

#gender envy #genderqueer #gender is confusing #gender #gender euphoria #gender identity #my gender is #gender tag #humor #funny post #just for laughs #funny content #funny #dank humor #send asks #ask blog

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cosmosrival · 5 years ago

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there it is! kama interlude analysis by a kama fan!

WELL. LIKE IT SAYS IN THE TITLE: this is just my own thoughts!! youre free to think whatever u want !! i am just putting my own knowledge into words because i genuinely love kama, and i would like for kama’s depth to be understood by the NA fandom a little more!! i try to stay as close as possible to their character in everything i do because i believe that the more in character they are, the funnier/more interesting content ppl will produce.

and hopefully i understood them well ???!!!! HOPEFULLY ?!

i will be screenshotting the translated reddit post under this read more and stop whenever something i find interesting to develop pops up ! or else it’ll get way too long lol if you wanna read the interlude for yourself heres the link!

with that said, let’s go!!

kama’s interlude begins with guda passing the hell out because of exhaustion and then waking up in a dream sequence where kama treats them to some relaxing adventures, stuff to take their mind off heavy things!! first dream sequence is kama roleplaying a highschool setting where they’re dating.

i like this because they openly admit that its an illusion, breaking the immersion but as long as youre okay with roleplaying, they’ll continue it LOL at some point, caesar mentions the student council president and arjuna appears behind him

since this is an illusion that kama made, i’ve been wondering about the fact that the way servants conduct eachother in this interlude is mostly because that’s how kama envisions they would act in a highschool setting, in an amusement park and finally with eachother (mostly for confirmed couples such as siegbryn, consort yu and her hubby etc...). suzuka and sei being gyarus is obvious, but arjuna as the student council president... is so cute???!!! i MEAN IT FITS ?! THATS A GREAT IDEA KAMA!!!! ANYWAY

this is kama’s first monologue and since they’re primarily the god of lust, all of the more vanilla stuff they mentions such as sharing a pair of headphones embarrasses them since its so tame. ITS CUTE !!! kama expects you to be horny in class !! what are you doing thinking about hand holding !!! medusa saves u from that tho with a direct reference to her relationship with kama’s vessel

this is interesting !! and reassuring !!! i think that kama as a character has a lot of depth and just reducing them to “sakura” would be a waste and this interlude shows how different they are from her. but they’re also similar! sakura went through a lot just like medusa says and kama does have trauma related to shiva. its not the same circumstances but the same kind of suffering which explains the nuance here. and what i like about chaldea is that there’s been multiple instances where its been proven that servants can grow thanks to their relationships with guda (most common example: leveling up your bonds) BUT ALSO, saint graph evolution (alts). and as a kama fan i’d like to see them happy someday and this interlude as a whole is proof of their healing/coping because of the time they spent in chaldea and how they interact with others. more on that later ! here, they don’t recognize medusa which is normal since they’re not sakura (someone else entierly), but...

they care about her ! because of sakura’s influence being a part of the servant called Kama(assassin). the difference here is important !! but i’ll come back on this in a bit. quick mention to the greek cupid <3 kamadusa nation we were fed (i clap by myself because im the only one who has 57575757557 kama rarepairs-----)

kama is a delinquent whos horny in class but still takes a few notes, enough to do well on their tests! and thats tea<3 smart horny lazyass !! theyre a gift

SO ARJUNA WAS OUT FOR BLOOD ????? ANYWAY, this is right after the actual fight against weirdo terrorists, and im happy to know that kama DOES enjoy a good fight (as proven in their voicelines as well) but theyre not a farming unit because it’d be too much work (single target NP..)...!!!!!!! lavish god of love....

FINALLYYYYYYYYYYY THE REAL DEAL !!!!!!!!!!!! “it feels wonderful to be your girlfriend” christ, kamadeva was so used to being a husband and a good lover, it reflected in their servant version.... but ree what do u mean by servant version???

I MEAN THE OBVIOUS !! kama explains it very well in the screenie just above !

“You know very well how servants work.”

KAMA ASSASSIN (the servant in your chaldea) is neither KAMADEVA or SAKURA MATOU or MARA. they’re a MIX OF PARTS OF THE THREE. creating an entierly new person(in this case, servant) !!!! it might sound like i’m repeating myself, but this is important!!!!!!!!! i will say this multiple times so people remember it !!! and if u already had this figured out: GOOD JOB I LOVE U !!!

Kamadeva (the god) has many stories, ones where he was born from concepts (dharma and shraddha), one where his parents are brahma and sarasvati, one where his parents are vishnu and lakshmi, stories about his reincarnation after his death where his parents are krishna and rukmini, his love with Rati and so on. We all know Sakura’s backstory since this is nasuverse. And Mara is a demon, an entity that tried to corrupt Buddha and prevent him from reaching enlightenment/stray from the path. Kama assassin has parts from all of these entities which explains why they have a vague longing for Rati, why they have a soft spot for Medusa and why they have an affinity with Kiara(and also like talking about corrupting u !).

they then mention how a japanese highschool setting is fun and all i have to say is: i’m gonna make an indo fam delinquent vs student council au out of this one folks !!!!!!!! i gotta !!!

OK next

TIME FOR THE SECOND DREAM SEQUENCE WHICH I WAS VERY VERY VERRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY AFRAID OF BEFORE THE TRANSLATION CAME OUT.

THE PART WHERE KAMA ACTS LIKE YOUR CHILD.

well with their stage 1 it was expected but without the translation i have to say that i was scared shitless! because people hate thinking! and even if kama clearly tells you that it’s a charade, u know a JOKE. A DREAM SEQUENCE. DONT BE A CREEP. KAMA INTENDED FOR IT TO BE WHOLESOME. i know some ppl wont use their brains. but u know its fgo and degenerates are everywhere.

anyways. family bonding time ensues until another monologue appears!!

exactly like before, kama mentions myths that belonged to kamadeva. Meaning that the Kama in our chaldea isn’t the Kamadeva we know and is not Pradyumna either but the fact that the writers chose to have kama acknowledge it is very reassuring !!! Because it means that they’ve chosen to make it a part of their (complicated) history. Kama says that Pradyumna is the myth about themself they know the least, once again proving us that the Kama in our Chaldea (Assassin) is a different entity and that they were summoned to the throne upon their death, the moment they were burned by Shiva’s flames and became Ananga, in any case they’re still familiar with all of their own myths. it allows us to keep heroic spirits separate from their original myths. Obviously! And in the case of pseudo-servants, it allows us to keep them separate from their vessels. Cuz this is a fanservice japanese game. Andddd the fandom likes forgetting this fact quite a lot i’ve noticed. As a person who loves thinking about tons and tons of headcanons for fun, this allows us a lot of space ! Because this is fate/grand order at its base. Nasuverse.

I’m glad that the interlude explains it so clearly, it’s very good !! Because the majority of myths from every culture are confusing, family trees are confusing, names are confusing, powers and attributes are confusing... its a mess !!!! the fgo characters we know are just cut from their own respective timelines/historial figures so the writers can organize themselves more easily. Like cutting halves from a big cake. Kama (Assassin) is the Kama that died from Shiva’s flames and became the universe ONLY. In Nasuverse, Arthur Pendragon is a woman. Anastasia Romanov NEVER had a demon familiar named Viy in real life despite the creature being part of russian folklore. u know ! im russian i can testify dude !!

hopefully everyone got this bc i wont be explaining this any further dude, its exhausting !!!!!! bangs my hands on the table !!!!!

ANYWAYS kama mentions “eternal pain that turns [them] into ash” being their key element. Their trauma is at the center of their heroic spirit self, what they are as a servant. This suffering is tied to everything they do, why they’re so lazy, why they’re so lax, why they’re so detached from their job. But they’re not detached from their role. And “job” and “role” have different connotations here. They refuse to work as a cupid because of obvious reasons. BUT. They’re not detached from their role as the God of Love, as the God of Passion. The embodiment of those feelings. This whole interlude is proof ! They’re giving u free therapy because they Love you. Passion. They feel your love. Passion. They acknowledge how much fun you’re having. How passionate you are about certain things. They might seem extremely detached and hateful, but they aren’t. They’re one of the most empathetic servants there is. And their ability to love everything, even the things they hate is what makes them so miserable. Because it’s a part of them. Because the concept of Kama in hinduism is linked to them. Be it lust or simply the passion born from anything you do where you’re enjoying yourself. (quote: “ the term also refers to any sensory enjoyment, emotional attraction and aesthetic pleasure such as from arts, dance, music, painting, sculpture and nature “. R. Prasad (2008), History of Science, Philosophy and Culture in Indian Civilization )

... I’d like to say that this contrast with Mara is interesting. And that i’m glad the writers chose to add in Mara to the kama assassin Beast mix.

Because the anger Mara feels can become a drivepoint for Kama. I’ve always believed that anger and sadness are two sides of the same coin, it’d explain how layered Kama is and how valid their emotions are. Constantly torn between love and hate. An eternal grudge (i don’t deserve to be hurt like this) and an eternal misery(maybe i do deserve to be hurt like this).

i wish they were my roommate <3 oh fuck ree got emotional wait where were we.

OH YEAH

i think kama saying that they dislike being involved with other indian servants because theyre linked to shiva is a feeble attempt at trying to keep up a strong front because they still love them in the end. cuz that’s how kama is ! after a while they’ll get bored of bullying ganesha and ashwatthama. they’ll get interested in rama because their respective mythos are linked even if their servant selves have no connection. hell, at the end of the interlude they talk about parvati and how they themself changed and realized things. BUT OH WELL, THATS STUFF FOR ANOTHER POST HEHE thats just ree wanting kama to b happy yall move along !!

.....THIS ISNT A COLLEGE STUDENTS ROLEPLAY BUT ITS A CUTE JAPANESE COMPANY BOSS/UNDERLING SETTING AND ITS CUTE SO I THINK KAMA WEARING A PENCIL SKIRT AND POURING U ALCOHOL IS CUTE. CUTE.

further proof of kama’s overflowing affection and what i detailed above!! hopefully u all knew this one simply from reading this interlude/their profile page and dont need me to write it down for u. HOPEFULLY !!!!!

(I START BEATBOXING VERY RAPIDLY AND RUNNING TOWARDS YOU) KAMA IS A SADIST AT THEIR CORE AND I WILL NEVER STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they’re easy to fluster because theyre not used to being so vanilla, but whats underneath is how they truly are !! a beast turned servant, the sweetest sadist !! theyre very mature and this interlude is so well written (wipes my teears

this is directly linked to what i explained above, by burning you away, you’ll melt into nothingness just like they did. When they were the universe, they felt both everything and nothing.

But was it really relief ... ?

... IT WASNT.

AND PARVATI SAVES THE DAY !!!!!!! phew!! thank u paru, it’d still like to be able to touch kama’s huge titties and i cant do that if i turn into ashes (falls down the stairs

ok she summoned lovey dovey canon couples to annoy kama since they’re exhausted of seein them!!

...............(I TAKE OUT A KNIFE) TAKE THAT BACK. DONT TALK TO THEM LIKE THAT. TAKE THAT BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ohhhhhh im obsessed i love when theyre angry<3 i love when theyre fighty <3 i think they should beat the living shit out of a boxing bag DAILY to let out some of this steam. they’d be a monster on the ring... aaa kama in training boot y shorts aa a .. .uughg hg ouu... (you all shove me into a locker)

ok this is interesting !! i think that the interlude showing us that parvati feels a semblance of guilt is character dev. proof for what i mentioned before!! in ookuu parvati felt quite ..unsympathetic to me, even if kama is a beast who wants to annihilate humanity, when u think about it, at their core their grudge is because of her and shiva’s betrayal. and here, she properly apologizes for making kama so upset. this is heartwarming to me since i dislike thinking that members of the indo fam hate eachother :( same goes for arjuna and karna, at some point i’d like for them to act like bros normally and finally be comfy. but anyways !!

u wake up from the dreams and da vinci, mashu and paru are here to tell u whats going on. But its fine bc u remember everything and u have to go thank someone for helping u out!!!

CUTE !!!!!!! THEY CARE ABOUT U !!!!!! but whether it be because of their role or because theres a deeper meaning is entierly up to your own interpretation because...

of what they say here.

and here !!

ohhhhhhhhh this is so important !!!!!!

this is actual proof of kama’s growth as a servant and how servants evolve in chaldea !! chaldea is not the same as a grail war, its a special, cut-off place and thats what makes it even more relaxing to think about. Everytime u summon a servant in ur chaldea u give them a chance to have fun with you, to have fun with other servants, to make amends, to start from scratch, to discover things they would’ve never known in their time (movies, video games, tons of different foods etc...), u give them a chance to relax. to grow !! this is the headcanon that im most attached to and im glad to see it be confirmed in the interlude of a character i love tbqh i had to stop and talk about that.

everyone say thank u kama !! can we roleplay a college roommate coffee shop slowburn au next time <3

ANYWAYS if you’ve read it this far: thank you !!! im sorry if you expected something very serious, im not that type of person hehe im jus here to have fun and look at things i like, and the interlude itself was quite lighthearted and refreshing. By talking about the myths and all of kamadeva’s stories, the writers basically gave lore nerds a huge thumbs up like... “its ok now !! u can go ape now !! go be insane<3 love u<3″ and all of this kama characterization GENUINELY makes me so happy because i think they really needed that. kama assassin... (i blow a kiss to the sky) is a little mess of a servant... a god, human crumbs and a demon... a total mess... im in love with them...

..............tho now the wait for a summer alt where they interact with the entire indo fam begins (im sitting in a chair unmoving)(i have a gun in case minase begins acting gross

#ree's fgo hcs #kama #WONT TAG THIS ONE AS A WHOLE BC IM... A LIL SHY TO BE HONEST #its just a kama fan rambling bro....... jus a kama fan liking the interlude man.....#like i said at the beginning of the post its just my thoughts<3

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that-one-girl-behind-you · 5 years ago

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Illicio 10/?

Part 9

Bit of a content warning for the first section because Martin's Lonely thoughts are starting to feel a little like suicidal ideation, just in case.

"What part of 'don't antagonize Martin' translated into 'go and lie to his landlady to break into his house' to you?" Jon asks that evening. The bus is nearly empty, and Gerry's arm is a comforting weight across his shoulders, a nice contrast against the hard plastic seat.

"I knew he'd tattle," Gerry rolls his eyes. "Go figure, pull a guy out of the Lonely with a nice cup of tea and some good conversation, and the first thing he does is go tell on you with his crush.

Martin bundles himself a little tighter in his coat, as he waits for the kettle to boil. The worst thing about the Lonely is definitely the bone-deep chill that follows wherever you go, no matter how many layers you wear, or how high you crank up the heater. The cold is inside you, and Martin is starting to run out of ways to chase it out.

The kitchenette attached to Peter's office is smaller than the one at the Archives' break room, but also much better equipped; it has a high end coffeemaker and all sorts of coffee and tea sorted in delicately crafted tins. Martin has the thought that he would've been excited to try them all before, but now he just cracks the tin open and pulls out a bag at random. This is just... something else he's supposed to do, like eating, like breathing. It doesn't matter that they don't bring any satisfaction, because nothing really does anymore, when he's like this.

He goes to pour the hot water into a single mug, and drops the bag inside, watching it sink and bob with a curious sense of detachment. It smells like nothing, and it tastes like nothing when he takes a sip. His hands barely even register the warmth of the cup, and Martin places it back at the countertop. He'd expected it would make him feel something, but there goes that hope.

The only spark of emotion comes when he finally listens to the prickle of unease in his chest, and goes to close the small room's exit where it connects with Peter's office. Standing alone behind two locked doors, he almost feels at ease. Nobody can find him here- or they wouldn't, if anyone was looking for him of course. Jon hasn't come to him since the last time they met before the coffin, and Gerard seems to have a supernatural sense to know when Martin just finished an Extinction statement to come pester it out of him.

It's a bit pathetic, that Jon's- that Gerard is the only one who seeks him out, and even then it's only out of necessity. The Lonely likes it, and it likes even more that Martin doesn't feel any special way about it.

Outside, someone walks past the door to Peter's office, and Martin's stomach clenches. The room around him loses a little more color. Maybe… maybe he'll go home early today. Peter won't care; he would probably encourage it, now that Martin thinks about it. Just... it'll be easier there. More quiet. Calmer.

Martin leans his head back, and the room around him begins to dissolve.

--------------------------------------

"Feels good, doesn't it?" Gerry asks with a smile, and Melanie nods, entranced.

"We should find another," she declares. The Flesh book -aptly titled just 'Guts'- burns nicely in a metallic garbage bin between the two of them.

"I knew there was a reason I liked you." Gerry snorts. "I've been hearing some rumours about the Desolation. Some weird fires around the city; might be worth taking a look at."

Melanie squirts some more lighter fluid onto the book, delighting when the fire roars and flares up.

"How is it different?" she asks, the question popping suddenly into her mind.

"Sorry?" Gerry arches an eyebrow.

"I know the Desolation is destruction, and Slaughter is violence." It's odd, to talk so freely about the entity that would've claimed her soul; like mentioning someone you knew in passing, one of those who were impossibly important once, but now are just a memory you're not sure how you feel about. "But I wanted to destroy too, when I was- you know."

"I know." Gerry lets out a careful huff, running a hand through his hair. "They tend to bleed into each other, some more than others. Some care about the end result only, like the Desolation, some care about the process, like the Slaughter or the Hunt. Smirke had a good idea with the list, but sometimes I think he oversimplified."

"So what's your take on it?"

"Colors," Gerry shrugs, then adds with a small smile, "if colors hated you."

Melanie has no idea what that's supposed to mean, but his tone makes it fairly clear that it's got something to do with Jon, and she rolls her eyes. Ridiculous, but apparently something she'll have to get used to, considering the sneak peeks she's gotten through the Institute's windows in the past week.

"How's Georgie?" Gerry asks after a moment, once the flames have started dying down. "You've been going out more lately, right?"

"Yes. I'm-" Melanie feels her body tense, and takes a deep breath, until it relaxes again. This- she can tell Gerry this. It's not a big deal. They're- they might be friends, now. "She takes me to therapy. I've been feeling- I added an extra day. I feel like it's working."

Gerry gives her a quick look and a quicker smile, before focusing on the remnants of the burning book again. "That's good. I tried therapy once, but it turns out there is just no way to work 'my mother accidentally framed me for her gruesome murder and then came back to life and continued to stalk me until I handed her over to an old woman to be destroyed' into a credible lie. Not that you would know the difference, of course," he adds with a wink over his shoulder.

"I'll have you know my therapist doesn't suspect a thing, so I'm clearly not as bad of a liar as you think." Melanie rolls her eyes, smiling. There's a certain giddiness to her chest, a kind of light-heartedness she'd almost forgotten.

"Mmmm nah, you're very bad." Gerry reaches a hand towards her, and she passes him the bottle of lighter fluid. He squirts the rest of it in the trash can, unflinching when the flames roar up again, before he turns back to look at Melanie. "But I'm glad it's helping. I'm guessing the after-session dates with your girlfriend are nothing to scoff at either, are they?"

"They help," Melanie's smile turns a little smug. It may be sappy, but she's allowed a bit of happiness, thank you very much.

"I can imagine," Gerry rests his closed fist against her shoulder and gives her a little shove. Melanie kicks at his boot, rolling her eyes.

This is... comfortable. Life is far from perfect, and the number of things that make Melanie happy are still in the single digits but this- this might be one of them.

"Actually, I wanted to ask you something..." Melanie starts after the fire has died down again and the relaxed silence has stretched for a few minutes, making her voice as casual as possible. "Remember when you told us that you fed on Jon's voice? Recharging a battery, kind of?"

"I... do?" Gerry looks down at her with an arched eyebrow.

"Okay. And remember that other time you told me there was nothing going on with Jon, but you let me believe that so I didn't find out you were leeching on him to survive?"

"Ah." Gerry averts his eyes, and the line of his shoulders stiffens. Melanie frowns, puzzled; it's been a while since she's had any friends to joke with, but this is most definitely not the mood she was trying to set up. "I didn't want any trouble, Melanie. You and Basira were very on board with killing me that first day because you thought I wasn't human, and I was just- well, I knew if you got actual confirmation of that, then-"

"Oh- oh no, that's not what I'm talking about," Melanie shakes her head, rolling her eyes. "I get why you did that. You were right, too, I would've killed you," she shrugs.

Gerry turns to look at her again, amused and confused in equal measure. "Okay? So what's this about then?"

"I just wanted to ask," Melanie struggles a little to keep her face blank now that she's put them back on track. "Do you also feed on holding hands with Jon, or is that just so he doesn't get lost into another entity when you're on your way from the bus stop?"

Gerry freezes when her words register in his mind, his face a carefully blank mask whose only emotion lies in the slight panic brewing behind his eyes.

"I-"

"Yes?" Melanie lifts her eyebrows, nodding along with pursed lips. The flush starting to darken his cheekbones is fascinating to watch, a much deeper hue than would correspond to his skin tone, probably on account of the ink that runs through his veins.

"Have you been- listen, we have- the fires." Gerry turns abruptly to start walking away from the smoldering can, and Melanie smirks. "We should look into it, could be a new avatar."

"Mhm. Alright. Just a little question I had, don't let it keep you up at night." Melanie follows, not even angry that she has to trot to keep up with him.

"I won't."

"Good, good."

--------------------------------------------

"You're far too early. Nothing to find today?" Jon looks up when the door to his office is pushed open, a smile already on his lips. Gerry shrugs, taking his jacket off. Jon's gaze trails over the burn-smooth skin of Gerry's arms, the tattooed eyes at his elbows seeming to almost look at him when Gerry's muscles contract and stretch as he moves to hang the jacket by Jon's coat.

"Hello there?" Gerry asks, and Jon's eyes snap up his face. He's got an amused smile and a raised eyebrow, and Jon whips his burning face back down to his statement. "Melanie's busy today, so I did some recon by myself, but there's nothing tangible asides from Rayner's freaks."

"This is- yes, alright." He's not terribly worried about the Church of the Divine Host, he thinks, his fist clenching tightly around the pen he's using to make annotations on the statement; they cannot come into his Archives, because they won't risk being Seen. It still irks him that they dare come this close to the Institute, like a taunt to-

"What are you working on?" Gerry's long, black hair curtains down by the side of Jon's face, and all thoughts of Seeing the Darkness into oblivion evaporate from his mind.

"I just- I'm going over old statements," Jon clears his throat. "I'm trying to find anything that feels like the Extinction."

"I see... Found anything yet?" Gerry leans closer to look at the paper on the desk, and Jon freezes at the warmth at his back.

"I don't-" this is where Jon admits he hasn't been able to focus for the past three hours, isn't it? "Martin left early yesterday. And he didn't come to work today."

"Ah," Gerry sighs, before retreating to go sit across the desk. His eyes are soft and sympathetic, because it's just Jon's luck to be surrounded by good, caring people that he doesn't deserve. "How did you-"

"I just Knew it. I think- I think it was too much today." Jon averts his gaze again; Gerry's gentle concern is too much to deal with, what with everything that's been tumbling around in his head. "Which is why I'm looking into this, but the Watcher doesn't seem to be too interested in the new competitor." Jon scowls down at his desk. No helpful tidbits from the Eye either when picking out statements to revisit, or when going over things he already knew.

"Hey." Gerry slides a warm, heavy hand on top of Jon's, and Jon, because he's a selfish coward, doesn't move away. "You're doing what you can. We all are, Martin too."

Jon nods slowly, after a moment. Martin is- Martin knows what he's doing. He's far from stupid or weak, Jon knows that now. Even though he's still human, Martin moves through this world of fears with a sense of cunning and determination that Jon couldn't even begin to emulate, despite being a key player himself.

"I must admit, I... it's nice that you have changed your mind about him." Gerry hasn't told him what brought on the change, but Jon finds that he doesn't care. It's just one less thing to be worried about.

Gerry shrugs, giving his hand a squeeze. "Turns out we have a few things in common."

"You do." Jon nods; that much has been clear to him for a while. A fatal flaw that bears his name and his face.

Gerry's gaze is heavy on him, far from the usual playfulness in their interactions, and Jon feels his heartbeat start racing.

"Jon, we-"

"Jon?" the door opens again, and Daisy pokes her head through. "Oh. Sorry."

"No, it's- do you need anything, Daisy?" Jon asks, extricating his hand from Gerry's in the softest movement he can manage.

"I can come back later," Daisy shrugs.

"Actually, let's trade." Gerry pushes off his chair, and onto his feet. "You stay here. I'll see you when it's time to go home." He doesn't seek Jon's eyes when he says this, moving instead to grab his jacket and shove his arms through the sleeves.

"Careful," Jon mutters quietly.

Gerry stops at the door, his shoulders dropping in what might be a sigh, and he turns to look at him over his shoulder, his eyes softening just the slightest amount. "...Yeah. Yeah, you too."

And he's gone.

Daisy comes in once the sound of Gerry's boots stomping against the Institute's polished floors fades from earshot. "That was very dramatic."

Jon crosses his arms over his chest. "No, it wasn't."

Daisy rolls her eyes. "You're making this too big of a deal, just like the monster thing."

"I- excuse me?" Jon's face goes slack in disbelief, but Daisy merely leans a hip against his desk, looking down at him with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Poor, poor Jon, with these two men who lo-"

"Daisy! We don't- there's no-" Jon sputters, as it becomes increasingly clear he doesn't have anything to say, and just wanted to stop her from finishing the thought. "What did you need?"

Daisy shrugs. "Basira went to see Elias, and Melanie's out too."

"I see..." Jon sighs; the only reasons he's able to brave being alone are both the fact that recording statements keeps the walls from closing in, and the terrifying knowledge that Gerry would stay in the office just to keep him company if he asked. "Well I- it's good that you came. I need your opinion on something."

As soon as it becomes clear that she's wanted here, Daisy's entire body relaxes; Jon smiles to himself as she goes to take the seat Gerry left. Daisy deserves some kindness, she's just... another victim. He's the only one who chose this.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Did yo- have you seen Martin lately?" Jon reaches into a desk drawer for a tape recorder that wasn't there a minute ago. This one, he Knows, will contain Martin's recording on the Extinction.

"Not really. Where is he?" Daisy frowns.

Jon's eyes fall to the recorder in his hand. He doesn't know if he feels guiltier for Knowing about Martin, or for not going to him after what he found out.

"Taking a break from all of this, hopefully."

----------------------------------------

"-tin Blackwood? Yes, he lives here. We haven't seen him in a few weeks, though." The woman's eyes narrow in suspicion. "Did he die?"

Gerry snorts. God forbid landlords have any tact. He thinks back at one of the many things he learned about Martin while trying to Know the address to his flat.

"No, he's fine. But he had to go out of town for a while, because his mother passed away." He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to look solemn. "I'm going to go stay with him for a few days, but he wanted me to pick up his phone and some other things for him."

"I see... and who are you again?" The woman asks; the mistrust is a fair response, honestly, considering what Gerry's here to do.

"Well, you know..." he gives her a little smile and a non-committal gesture, pointing at himself and an imaginary Martin by his side. Whatever, it worked with Melanie and Basira, it'll fool a random landlady.

"Ah. Huh." The woman runs her eyes over him, evaluating him under the light of the new revelation; Gerry probably -hopefully- doesn't look anything like a self deprecating mop that specializes in giving off mixed signals and avoiding necessary conversations, but this woman clearly doesn't know Martin enough to know his tastes, because she just shrugs. "Then don't you have a key already?"

"Oh yes, I have one,' Gerry hurries to say. "He just wanted me to tell you that he's, you know, coming back and-" and here he crosses a leg over the other, bringing a knee up against the desk with enough force that the landlady's mug topples over the edge and spills its contents on her lap. "Oh shit, I'm sorry! Did you-"

"I'm alright," the woman says through gritted teeth, her skirt dripping lukewarm coffee on the carpeted floor when she climbs to her feet.

"I'm really sorry," Gerry apologizes again, but the woman is already heading towards the door without sparing him a glance. Good.

He Knows she keeps the spare keys in the bottom left drawer of the desk, and it only takes him a couple seconds lto find the one labeled with the number to Martin's flat, before unhooking it from the ring and pushing the drawer closed again.

By the time the woman comes back, patting at her damp lap with a towel, Gerry's already sitting back on his chair, sporting his best apprehensive look. "Did you need anything else?" she snaps.

"No, I'm just-"

"Sorry, yes. Thank you, could you leave?" the landlady's lips are pursed into a tense line. "I need to change."

"Yes! Sorry, I'll just-" he hops to his feet, crossing the office hurriedly. "Sorry!" Gerry apologises again before she closes the office door in his face, and he smiles. That's one less thing to worry about.

Martin's door opens easily enough with the key, and fog spills out like some sort of cheap haunted house trick. Not great, Gerry decides. The interior is freezing cold, and he bundles a bit tighter in his jacket, before closing the door behind him. There's a picture of a woman on a small table by the door, right behind the key bowl, and Gerry remembers the tape he listened to, with Elias' cruel, mocking voice and Martin's pained, choked back sobs.

It's a little selfish, but it's nice to know that Gerry's not the only one who can't bring himself to get rid of the memory of a mother who never loved him.

"Martin?" he calls out, bundling himself tighter in his clothes. "Are you-"

"What are you doing in my flat?!" Martin says by his side, where Gerry's pretty sure he wasn't a second ago. "How did you get in here?"

"It was open," Gerry shrugs. Martin looks... gray. His eyes, his hair, even his skin seems desaturated, blending in against the muted hues of his lightless flat.

"No it wasn't." Martin says firmly, and a bit of green starts seeping back into his eyes. Gerry lets out a relieved exhale. He's not too far gone, yet. "In fact, I made sure it was locked, because I've been being stalked lately."

"That sounds terrible," Gerry says, and because it seems like Martin is gaining more and more color the more exasperated he grows, he walks past him into what turns out to be the kitchen. "Want me to beat them up for you? I'll do it, just point me at 'em. Do you have coffee here? I'm not much for tea."

"I don't- why are you here?!" Martin sputters angrily, closing the cupboard doors Gerry purposefully leaves open as he moves down the room. "I'm not exactly going to record Extinction statements at home!"

"Well, I'm not here for that." Gerry gives him another look. He looks mostly solid now, enough that it might be a good time to let him know. "Jon was worried about you, so I came to check how you were."

"...Oh." Martin's flustered face goes slack at the news, and Gerry snorts. These two are the freaking same. "I- does he know?"

"That you're trying to save the world?" Gerry arches an eyebrow. "Or that you're doing it for him?" that has Martin's face regaining the color it was lacking.

"Both, I guess," Martin mutters, bringing a hand to rub at his arm nervously. "...I think I do have coffee, but it's- I don't drink it, I just had it for when Sasha- for when friends came over. I don't know if it's any good."

"I've probably had worse." Gerry knows what it's like to be alone. He's been that way for most of his life, but it's... he chose to live like that, it was never a burden for him. Here, as Martin talks of friends ripped from him by a world that feeds on despair, he feels a pang of sadness for this man who clearly didn't. "I have an hour before I have to go get Jon."

"Alright," Martin lets out a noise between a sigh and a groa, before he finally moves towards the cupboards again, and starts pulling out mugs and tins and spoons. "But you have to tell me how you got in."

"I'll let you guess," Gerry smirks as he sits at the breakfast table.

"How is he?" comes Martin's voice amidst the clinking of metal and porcelain. There's a careful quality to it, like he thinks he's not allowed to ask, and Gerry sighs.

"He's alright. Very defensive when we talk about his rib-related choices."

The sound of a mug dropped on the countertop, and Martin spins around. "Excuse me, his what?"

Gerry arches an eyebrow. "I hadn't told you? Could've sworn I mentioned it when we spoke about the marks." He wipes a hand under his nose, but it comes away ink-free. Edging around the topic is okay then, good to know.

"I don't- you didn't mention any ribs," Martin's voice is this close to a groan, Gerry notes with a smile. "What did he do now?"

"You better finish making that tea, you're going to need it."

--------------------------------------

The door to the cell slams shut, and Elias rolls his eyes. Frankly... he'd known Peter wasn't in the best of moods, but this is childish.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to either calm down or leave."

"How are you doing it?" Peter lands heavily on the chair across the table, blue eyes stormy with badly concealed rage and a muscle twitching on his jaw. Elias tries, he really does, but he can't hold back a snort. "Elias!"

"I'm sorry, sorry," Elias chuckles. "It's just amusing, really, that you seem to think I have the power to stop your puppeteering from in here. You mistake me for the Web's own, Peter."

He gives him the smile he knows Peter despises, just the slightest curve to his lips, and a single arched eyebrow.

"Don't play coy with me, Elias. Martin was progressing incredibly well, and all of a sudden he's stuck? Don't pretend you had nothing to do with it."

"Oh, but I didn't!" Elias reaches over to pull out the scotch bottle and the two tumblers, and Peter's hand closes around his wrist with bruising strength. "I'm afraid I did warn you the Watcher wouldn't let its own go so easily."

"How?" Peter's eyes narrow as his grip tightens even more. "I will not ask again, Elias."

Elias laughs, amused. Peter is awfully easy to rile up- if you know how to play him, and Elias has had decades to learn.

"Tell me something Peter... what do you know of Gertrude's last ill-fated assistant?"

--------------------------------------------

There's a person standing across the street from the Institute. They're wearing dark clothes, and over their chest rests a pendant fashioned to look like a closed eye. It's a ridiculous notion, to come to the tower of the Ceaseless Watcher, and believe their god will protect them here.

Jon comes to a stop before the Institute's doors, the taste of Markus Burnett's encounter with the End still fresh in his mind, and considers crossing the street towards them. It would certainly send a message to the rest of-

"Jon?" the voice is puzzled and soft, and it feels like a curtain is lifted from Jon's mind, as he sees the person scurry away; he turns to find Martin looking down at him in concern. "Are you alright? Oh- your... your eyes."

"Ah- yes I just- it's-" Jon gestures vaguely towards the spot where his would-be victim was just standing.

"Oh. That's- that's not good, is it?" Martin frowns. "It's probably good you didn't-"

"I wasn't going to. Or- I hope I wasn't," Jon scowls as well. He definitely wanted to. He can still feel Martin's eyes on him, but for all that he's fantasized about this encounter, he can't think of anything to say. "You look better."

"I guess." Martin's frown melts into a mask of dry resignation. "Gerard broke into my flat two days ago. He won't tell me how he did it."

Of course, the Eye chooses that moment to let him Know exactly how Gerry got a key to Martin's flat, and Jon feels his face grow warm. It's a bit of a whiplash mood, to go from preparing to Behold a person to thinking about- yes, okay.

"I- yes. He does that," Jon clears his throat, "keep him away from your sofa."

"I'll keep that in mind. Just-" Martin gives a nervous look around, and Jon frowns.

"He's not around." Jon says, the static rising in his ears as he Sees both what Martin wants, and the answer to it. It still feels odd to use his powers willingly, but he'll do it for Martin anytime. "He's on his way back from meeting Elias."

"Oh- okay?" Martin blinks. "Thanks. I- he can't do that, Jon."

"Peter-?"

"Gerard." Martin's face grows pained, serious. "Peter is- he's happy I'm going along with his plan. If Gerard keeps trying to meddle in... I made a deal, and I have to keep it. Please tell him to leave me alone."

"Martin, you don't have to-"

"But I am," Martin sighs. "You said you'd respect that."

And he does, he really does respect the sacrifice Martin is making, but- but watching him hurt himself is just too much. This is the first time Martin has looked like himself in months, and Jon is suddenly confronted with just how much he's missed him.

"I'll talk to him." Jon says, before anything else can get out. "I'm- I'm sorry, Martin."

Martin nods wordlessly, before turning back to walk into the Institute. Jon watches him go, a million things he should've said running across his mind now that they're utterly, completely useless.

I dreamt of you in the Buried. Thank you for the tapes. You don't have to be strong all the time, please let me help you. I miss you so much it scares me, but it's a kind of fear I want to feel, the kind of fear I'd dedicate my life to.

None of it matters, because by the time Jon walks in after him, all that's left of Martin are a couple wisps of fog.

----------------------------------------------

"I knew he'd tattle," Gerry rolls his eyes. "Go figure, pull a guy out of the Lonely with a nice cup of tea and some good conversation, and the first thing he does is go tell on you with his crush. You didn't tell him I had the key, did you? I don't want him to change the locks."

"I did not." Jon rolls his eyes. "But you can't- Gerry, I promised I'd leave him alone."

"And you did. Very respectful of his boundaries."

"And you should do so too. We're- we agreed we'd investigate about the Extinction so he didn't have to do everything on his own, not that we'd intrude on his plan."

"It's not a great plan, if you ask me."

"I didn't ask." Jon slaps lightly at Gerry's thigh with the back of his hand. "Listen, I trust Martin-"

"And I trust him too, sure. But I'm not going to- I can't just leave it alone, Jon." Gerry turns to look at him, and Jon -as he often does- finds himself distracted by the lights of the street outside gleaming off the metallic rings and beads on his face. "I'm not going to let them win. Not if I can help it, especially with someone they seem as hell-bent on getting as Martin."

Jon sighs. Of course he won't; Gerry's far too stubborn, far too-

"Just- Martin knows what he's doing."

"And I know what I'm doing too." Gerry shrugs, his shoulders set and his brow furrowed. "I'm not- I can't exactly stop him from aligning with the Lonely if that's what he wants. I'm just slowing it down. Getting us more time."

"And what happens when Peter Lukas finds out you're breaking into his flat to sit him down for tea?"

"Well, he doesn't have to find out," Gerry says, smirking. The gesture leaves the ring on his lower lip just the slightest bit off-center, Jon realizes. He runs his tongue over his own bottom lip, that feels too dry all of a sudde. "As far as anyone knows, it was just a very considerate man looking out for his partner."

"You can't possibly believe that was anywhere close to a good lie," Jon hisses, trying his best to ignore the fact that he doesn't know if he's annoyed or just embarrassed by the ruse.

"It's not unbelievable. Anyone could be my boyfriend," Gerry shrugs. "Martin could have good taste."

"I very much think he doesn't." Jon grumbles.

"I think he does, actually," Gerry's arm gives his shoulders a squeeze that has Jon's face burning, "besides, the position is open."

Jon coughs. "This is our stop," he says, ignoring the way Gerry rolls his eyes before climbing to his feet.

The conversation is pretty much over after that, but Jon finds -as he usually does, lately- that he has to let go of Gerry's hand to pull the keys out of his pocket.

--------------------------------------------

"Did you do your exercises today?"

Daisy exhales slowly, her hands on her stomach and her gaze nailed to the ceiling. The cot she shares with Basira feels small at the best of times, but now under her too-heavy stare, it's like laying on a coffin, waiting for the lid to be slammed down again.

"They won't work."

"What?" Basira doesn't come closer, doesn't sit by the edge of the cot, and Daisy feels more and more like a disgusting, wasted carcass of her old self.

"The exercises. I- it's not going to work." The truth of her words weighs on her, the call of her blood begging her to follow, to lose herself again. "The only way I'm going to get better is if I hunt again, and I don't- I'm not doing that."

In the long silence that follows, Daisy darts a quick look at Basira. She's standing by the door, her white-knuckled hand shaking around the crumpled edge of a bag of Daisy's favorite takeout.

"There has to be another way," she says in the end. "What are we supposed to do, just wait for you to die?"

"I don't know. Why don't you ask Elias?" Daisy shrugs. There's a dark pang of delight in her stomach when Basira stiffens, and she sighs. Not exactly a chase, but the Hunt will feed wherever it can. "I'm sorry."

"Do you think I haven't?" Basira's voice is tense and hurt. "Do you think I haven't spent every waking moment since you came out trying to find a way to make you-"

"Back to how I was?" Daisy says quietly, and the way it's enough to stop Basira's rising tirade really says a lot.

"That is not what I want," Basira forces through gritted teeth.

"But it's what you need, isn't it?" After a moment's hesitation, Daisy pushes up into a sitting position, and turns to face Basira. "You were there when I needed you, and now I can't do that for you."

"This is not- I don't keep a tally, Daisy." Basira finally takes a firm step forward and then another and another, until she's standing so close Daisy could reach her if she stretched her arm. She doesn't. "I don't have- I'm just trying to keep everyone from dying, or-"

Basira's voice breaks, and Daisy flinches, eyes wide. In their years working together, she can count on one hand the times she's seen her lose control.

"You were gone," she snaps, "you were dead, I mourned you. I had to- there was no one else. Everyone was dead, Melanie was more and more unstable, and Martin was doing his secretive bullshit. What was I supposed to do? I was the only one. If I gave up, then it was like letting Elias win, and I was not going to let that happen."

"Basira-"

"Of course I wanted you back. As soon as that lying worm told me there might be a way to pull you out, I-"

"I heard your voice in the Buried."

Basira freezes. She looks- Daisy has been her partner for years, and the thing with her is, Basira always knows what to do. Even when she doesn't, she knows what should be done next. Never a second guess or a moment of doubt, or anything less than cold, hard certainty. Now Basira looks lost, and Daisy can only wonder what that means for her, who's always depended on Basira's solidity to ground herself.

"I'm- I want to be here for you. I want to help, Basira, but I can't- I don't want to go back to the Hunt. Or rather, I want it too much, and I know I won't-" Daisy groans. She's never been good with words, one would think spending an eternity with the Archivist would've helped, but apparently it's too much to wish for. "I just want to be myself, for however long I can. I'm- sorry it's not what you-"

Basira crashes against her, and Daisy feels her breath leave her all at once, as they topple over onto the cot, the crumpled falafel bag landing on the floor to be forgotten.

"I'll figure something out," Basira's breath is hot against her shoulder. Daisy can smell her coconut shampoo through her headscarf, and it's all she can do to hold her tighter, because they live in a world in which these moments are fleeting and fragile, and all the more precious for it. "For this. For you."

Daisy nods furiously, her eyes shut tight and her blood singing an entirely different song.

"Basira," she says, the only word she knows, the only word that matters.

Basira nods like she understands, and Daisy can't bring herself to care about anything else.

#jongerrymartin #vit writes #illicio

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serialbydesign · 4 years ago

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Defining Psychopathy

Psychopathy, often confused with sociopathy, is an anti-social personality disorder. Both mental health conditions are characterized by:

Need for violence.

Disregard for social norms, conventions, and laws.

Lack of remorse & guilt.

Deceitful nature.

However, sociopaths usually are emotionally unstable and tend to act on compulsion, lacking patience and planning. Psychopaths are attentive to details, calculated, and plan every action they intend to pursue – be it legal or illegal. Therefore, they leave few clues and take fewer risks. Over time, multiple conceptions of psychopathy developed – most of which overlap, but some contradict others.

Just like sociopathy, psychopathy can be caused by genetic and environmental factors. This means children can inherit it from the parents but also develop it during the lifetime after abuse, emotional shock, or living in an unsuitable environment. But one can also acquire psychopathy after a traumatic brain injury. It has been discovered that the prefrontal cortex is responsible for our social behavior and acquired psychopathy is often linked to trauma in this area.

Another prevalent theory states that psychopathy is genetically inherited and can be triggered by environmental factors, while sociopathy is only developed throughout life. No matter which theory we follow, Dexter Morgan is much closer to being a psychopath than a sociopath. However, he does struggle with keeping his Dark Passenger under control at times.

Dexter Morgan, The Psychopath

Dexter Morgan is a forensic expert, but he most frequently calls himself a blood spatter analyst. Even though he commits horrendous crimes throughout the show, we root for him and find bits of ourselves in his narratives. We see how he evolves from a cold-blooded serial killer to a cold-blooded serial killer who cares about some of those around him. The personal way in which he narrates his experiences further increase the connection we feel with this character. He often contemplates on aspects of the day-to-day life using first person pronouns in plural forms, which works on our subconscious. This is one of the many techniques used by real-life psychopaths, and Dexter Morgan proves again and again that they work.

“They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being, it’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world.” – Dexter Season 5 episode 12, “The Big One”

Dexter’s sense of righteousness instilled by his adoptive father fires up conflicted feelings on his morality. On the one side, he murders people in cold blood and enjoys it. But on the other, he gets rid of “bad seeds” the justice system could not charge. Ultimately, he is saving lives while satisfying his dark passenger, being a modern vigilante.

“We all make rules for ourselves. It’s these rules that help define who we are. So when we break those rules we risk losing ourselves and becoming something unknown.” – Dexter Season 7 Finale, “Let’s Give the Boy a Hand”

These, together with his continuous struggle to control his urges and do as little damage as possible to society, make us all feel sympathy for Dexter. Because we know the terrible things that happened to him, we understand what caused this behavior. But would he feel the same about us?

The Profile of Dexter Morgan

Dexter Morgan is persuasive, intelligent, deceitful, and a psychopath.

He killed well over 100 people (at least 134 documented cases) and shows no remorse about this – in fact, he believes he benefits society. Moreover, he likes to take trophies – a single drop of blood from each of his victims, carefully placed on a glass slide. Dexter has a ritual that is full of meaning for each of his victim’s crimes and likes to confront them and let them know he knows what they did. He feels empowered by this, he feels he finally has control.

Dexter is neat, sometimes compulsive, and likes to keep order in his life. He always plans his actions and waits for the best and safest time to make a move. This is what differentiates himself from a sociopath. He likes being and working by himself because using his “mask” is tiring. But even though he has an anti-social behavior, his social skills are way above average.

“People fake a lot of human interactions, but I feel like I’ve faked them all and I fake them very well. And that’s my burden, I guess.”

Dexter Morgan can be best psychoanalyzed using Freud’s structural model of the psychic apparatus which defines three dimensions of the mind:

The id represents our uncoordinated instincts, with a focus on pleasure and desire. The id is often associated with evil, lust, sin, and the like. The super-ego is the moralizing element, responsible for assimilating social norms and behaviors. It’s the virtuous, pure, and wholesome dimension. The ego, a realistic and rational influence on our thought process, usually mediates these two antagonizing elements.

Even though most individuals naturally balance these three dimensions, Dexter Morgan struggles do so. He spent all his life observing those around him and trying to mimic their behavior, knowing he will never act like them naturally.

Dexter’s Id

After the age of 6 years old, most individuals suppress their id and manage to focus their mental and emotional energy towards following social norms. But Dexter was not able to do so and, as a consequence, his id rules his life. Even as a child, Dexter enjoyed killing animals. In fact, taking a life is the only thing that makes Dexter feel alive. Sex does not interest Dexter, which we can also blame on the trauma he suffered as a child at a critical age for his (among others) psychosexual development.

Dexter’s Super-Ego

Dexter refers to the people surrounding him as humans, feeling detached from his own humanity. There is plenty of evidence throughout the show that demonstrate Dexter has a seriously underdeveloped super-ego if any. His adoptive father, Harry, created an artificial super-ego dimension in his mind through a few strict guidelines. However, Dexter’s subconscious never adopted them as its own and, as a result, he sometimes struggles to follow them.

Dexter does not understand religion. The only higher power he knew was his adoptive father, who also created the code. He has difficulties in developing real relationships of any nature with those around him but has gotten very good at faking them.

Dexter’s Ego

Instead of balancing out the 2 other dimensions, Dexter uses his ego to hide them from society. He goes above and beyond to hide his true self. He fights the recurrent feeling of emptiness that can only be relieved by killing.

How Dexter Morgan Came to Be a Psychopath

There are a few theories about how Dexter became what he is, but they all rely on the emotional and psychological trauma he suffered as a child.

Dexter saw his mother brutally murdered when he was only 6 years old and sat in a shipping container in a pool of her (and others’) blood for 2 days. This affected his emotional development and understanding of social norms, which he has difficulties adapting to.

Dexter understands he is a disturbed individual. But even though admitting the problem is often times the first step to resolving it, psychopathy has no cure (yet). There are no pills, vaccines, or therapies that erase traumatizing memories from our subconscious, induce empathy, or warm up a murderer’s blood.

But Dexter lacked a mother figure during his most important years, even before she was murdered. He was deprived of the warmth, closeness, and affection only a mother-son relationship would provide. Even though loving, his mother was not as present in his life as she should have been – and neither was his father. They were both addicted to drugs and involved themselves with dangerous figures, which ultimately lead to their demise. Even though a loving, caring family took him in at the age of 6, the damage was already done.

“I was there. I saw my mother’s death. A buried memory, forgotten all these years. They climbed inside me that day. And it’s been with me ever since. My dark passenger.” – Dexter Season 1 Episode 11 “Truth Be Told”

Moreover, his need for power and control were overindulged in a try to create a warm environment for the troubled child. But this only increased the distance between Dexter and humanity, between an impressionable child and his remorse and guilt.

Dexter Morgan & His Dark Passenger

Most of the time, Dexter Morgan is able to suppress his passenger. But it still needs to be let out from time to time, and when it does, Dexter refers to the process as the Dark Passenger “taking over”. He already knows that it will get out one way or the other, so he doesn’t try to fight it. In fact, Dexter finds comfort and acceptance in his Dark Passenger, the only entity that accepts him for who he is.

“I love Halloween. The one time of year when everyone wears a mask… not just me. People think it’s fun to pretend you’re a monster. Me, I spend my life pretending I’m not. Brother, friend, boyfriend – all part of my costume collection. Some people might call me a fraud. Let’s see if it will fit. I prefer to think of myself as a master of disguise.” – Dexter Season 1, Episode 4

Dexter manages to separate and balance out his natural self and the façade brilliantly. He is seen as a loving son, brother and as a reliable and helpful coworker.

The Code of Harry

Harry was more than just Dexter’s adoptive father. Together with Aaron and Deb, he was his family in the most real sense of the word.

“If I were capable of love, how I would have loved Harry.”

Since they could not stop Dexter’s urge to take life away, Harry decided to channel it. Therefore, Harry developed a code together with his therapist in which he confided about Dexter’s condition. As his father put it, the code focuses on survival and doing as little wrong to the world as possible. Dexter needs to be sure he kills the right person and to have proof for his deeds. But above all, he needs to never, ever risk having collateral victims.

Even though frustrating and rage-inducing at times, Dexter abides by the Code of Harry. However, he does take advantage of technicalities to satisfy his dark passenger at times, racing with the police and even hiding evidence in order to punish criminals himself even with his friends’ and coworker’s career on the line.

“Without the Code of Harry, I’m sure I would have committed a senseless murder in my youth. Just to watch the blood flow.” – Dexter Season 1 Episode 3, “Popping Cherry”

The Morality of Dexter

Yes, Dexter Morgan is brutal, ruthless, and cruel. Ever since Harry Morgan took him in, Dexter made efforts to comply with social norms. Even though he pretended for decades, he makes efforts to preserve appearances every day. None of the behaviors he adopted for so many years got under his skin, none of them come naturally even after all this time.

But this doesn’t mean Dexter Morgan is stone-hearted or completely devoid of feelings. After all, he does feel anger, hate, and affection and admits that he needs the people in his life. He realizes how scared he is of losing his family.

Even though supposedly rudimentary, some of these feelings scare and intimidate Dexter Morgan because he doesn’t know how to handle them.

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