#HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GAIN EXPERIENCE YOU STUPID FUCKS

[daylighteclipsed]

ENTRY LEVEL MEANS NO EXPERIENCE. IT MEANS NO PORTFOLIO OF RELEVANT SAMPLES. ENTRY LEVEL IS ENTRY LEVEL

[nfr-girly]

Unspoken Words ~ B. Bradshaw x f!reader

Summary: Upon finding out you’re leaving the state, Bradley realises he has less than a day to build up the courage to tell you how he feels <angst-fluff>

border by @saradika-graphics <3

“What do you mean you’re leaving?”

“I’m not leaving permanently, I’m just going out of state for a few months to take up a job position”

You and Rooster now found yourselves in the parking lot of the academy. You were planning on telling him a lot sooner, and not the day before you flew out, but how were you supposed to tell your best friend you were going away for 9 months?

You had been offered a job position in the South Atlantic, and you were hesitant at first. 9 months was a while, especially since you’d be in a completely new area with new people. But your officers thought you’d be best suited, and figured it would be good experience for you. So you took up the position.

You had confirmed everything a month prior, giving you time to sort out your belongings, and who would apartment watch for you. You had told everyone at the program two weeks ago, and they were sad to see you go, but happy for you to experience something fresh. On the other hand, telling Bradley was a whole other thing. Truthfully, you had gained feelings for him not long after becoming friends. It was stupid, falling for your fellow classmate, but you couldn’t help it.

He was your first friend, and immediately warmed up to you. But you also knew that you weren’t the only one with their eye on him. Every time you all went to the hard deck, you saw the way other women looked at him. Whenever he played that stupid piano, you could guarantee there were at least 3 women who gave him their number. He never ended up calling any of them, weirdly enough. But they were gorgeous, and probably more his type.

You didn’t want to leave him behind, but you had eventually accepted that your friendship with him would most likely stay a friendship. Which is mostly why you agreed to go away, maybe some time off would help you get over him?

But it surprises you now, that when you’ve finally told him, he’s acting like you’ve just stabbed him repeatedly in the leg.

“A few months? You’re going away for 9. I thought you liked it here?”

You huff and step closer to him, trying to reassure him

“I do! But this is a good opportunity for me”

He scoffed and looked around him

“Being here is a good opportunity. You finishing this program with m- us, is a good opportunity”

You furrowed your eyebrows, you couldn’t believe how angry he was. Why did it bother him so much?

“Why are you so mad about this? Jesus Bradley I thought you’d be happy for me”

He pressed his lips together and breathed out.

“I am. But going down south, at your level? You’re not ready.”

The moment it came out his mouth he regretted it. What the hell is wrong with me?? He thought

You paused and scoffed

“What and you are??” You respond

“I….” He didn’t have anything else to say, he had already said too much

You shake your head and point to him

“Go fuck yourself Bradley”

You turn and head towards your car, not sparing him a second glance

All he could do was watch you leave. All he could think about was how much of an idiot he was.

~~~~~ that evening ~~~~~

Bradley lies on his couch, taking the occasional swing of his beer bottle as he watches tv. He feels like a walking stereotype. Drowning his sorrows with alcohol to forget the fact he hurt the women he loved.

What the hell was he thinking? Jesus- you came up to him so excited. He had never seen light in your eyes like that. He was happy for you, of course he was. But how could he pretend he was happy about the fact you’d be leaving him for that long? He was just coming around to admitting to himself his feelings for you, now he has to watch as you leave him behind?

You’d probably find some better man out there, more taller, more muscular, someone who isn’t scared to love you. What was he supposed to do without you? You’re one of the few people he actually gets along with here.

He doesn’t know what to do now. His outburst yesterday doesn’t change anything. You’re still leaving. If he had acted better yesterday, he could have at least been able to say goodbye to you. Now he wouldn’t even get to do that, and you’d spend the next 9 months hating him.

He felt sick at the thought. Before he could spiral more, his phone pinged. He looked toward his phone, grabbed it and looked at the message. It was from Nat.

Nat 🐦‍🔥

She told me what you said to her earlier, why did you say that?

He huffed out, and started typing

Roos 🎹

I didn’t mean to. You know how I feel about her, I just panicked.

Lame excuse. He thought

Nat 🐦‍🔥

I know you didn’t. But she doesn’t know that, she leaves tomorrow. You should go talk to her, she’ll be packing right now

He stared at the text. She was fucking right, of course she was. Would you even be willing to talk to him? He typed out a response

Roos 🎹

I’m gonna have to tell her how I feel aren’t I?

Nat 🐦‍🔥

Absolutely. Let me know how it goes 😛

He lets out a chuckle and turned off his phone. He ran his hands through his hair, sighing. After a minute, he gets up and grabs his keys to the bronco.

Heading out the door, he comes up with different ways on how to not fuck it up this time.

~~

You took a lot longer than you hoped it would to pack. Honestly, right now you’re just putting in random crap you don’t need. You’re trying not to think about him, he was an asshole earlier. But you still miss him, you were hoping you’d get to say a proper goodbye, or maybe ask if he wanted to see you off at the airport.

Now you were certain you wouldn’t get to do that, he was stubborn too, he wouldn’t apologise so easily. But you could see it in his eyes, you knew he felt guilty saying all that, but honestly? You couldn’t care less. You didn’t owe him anything, if you wanted to go on deployment away from him then you would very well do so.

You looked around, the apartment was cleaned up, but the pile of belongings in front of you still stood. You were supposed to choose which ones to bring and which ones to give away.

Before you got a chance to do so, a knock at the door was heard. You furrowed your eyebrows, you weren’t expecting any deliveries, no family members over either.

But a voice called out from the other side

“Hey, it’s Brad. Could we talk?”

Fuck. Speak of the devil. You sighed and stood up, making sure your footsteps could be heard.

You took off the chains and opened the door, revealing him. He looked like a mess. He was wearing a black top with cargo pants. Honestly, you’d be lying if you said he didn’t look hot right now, but that wasn’t the point.

“What do you need?” You say

He pauses and observes you. You didn’t even realise, but you’re wearing the hoodie he got you when it came winter. Said you didn’t have enough warm clothes and got it for you without you asking, no interest in you paying him back either.

You follow his eyes and land on the hoodie. Crap. You fumble your words as you speak

“I just put it on- it was cold”

He shakes his head and grins. “No no, not judging. You look nice in it.”

You nod and look down. His smile falters, he almost forgot what he actually came here to do.

“Could I come in? I really need to speak to you.”

You look up and nod. “Yeah.”

You open the door wider for him and he steps in, while you lock the door, he takes a quick look around your apartment. You’ve tidied up, and in the middle next to your couch lies your many suitcase. He isn’t surprised. 9 months? You’re bound to bring alot of things. He ignores the remaining pile of stuff that lies next to them.

“If this is about earlier, forget it. It’s not important” he turns to look at you, your arms are crossed, and your eyes wander around everywhere, but not on him.

“Hey. It is. I was an asshole I’m sorry.” He sighs and moves closer to you

“No- it’s fine. Forget about it” you still don’t look to him

He sighs, and before he can take it back, he reaches out and tilts your chin upwards, making your eyes land on his. You both ignore the feeling that runs through your body at the touch.

“Don’t do that. It’s not fine. I don’t know why I did that” he lets go of you, and you still feel the essence of his touch.

“I’m truly sorry, you know that? I am happy for you. I mean Jesus- south Atlantic? You’re doing better than any of us” he chuckles

“And… you’re more than ready for this. Forget what I said, about not being ready and all that crap. You are.”

You bite the inside of your cheek, taking in his words. You appreciate him apologising, you really do. But part of you was hoping he wouldn’t at all, because then leaving here would be a hell lot easier.

There’s a silence that holds, and it’s comfortable. But there’s words that are meant to be said. You both know it.

He breaths in, before speaking up again.

“I’m gonna miss you. A lot more than I think you realise”

Your breath catches in your throat.

“I’ll miss you too. I will.” You say

He nods and looks down. Looking back up, you take a closer look at his face. You almost miss the way his eyes start to glisten.

“There’s nothing I can say to convince you to stay. Is there?”

You press your lips together, and shake your head, your own eyes glistening

“No. But there’s stuff you could say to make me come back”

His heart skips a beat, he knows full well what you’re talking about. It’s right there. Haunting the both of you, it always has been. A lingering thought. Waiting to be told aloud.

Bradley doesn’t care anymore, if he doesn’t say anything now, will he ever?

He takes a deep breath, before he decides to put his all out on the line.

“I love you. You know that, don’t you?” He asks, and you could swear the floor falls below you

You didn’t, not until just 10 minutes ago. But somehow you wonder if you always did know, deep down. Just that you wouldn’t let yourself believe it. The lingering touches, the eye contact.

You nod. “I know. I was just waiting for you to say it.”

He chuckles, “I didn’t do a good job of hiding it.”

You smile, and move closer to him.

You bring your hands up and place them on either side of his face, stroking his cheek.

He takes the moment to look at you. To properly look at you. He looks at your eyes, the shape of your eyebrows, your nose, your eyelashes, your lips. You had always said you sometimes got insecure about your looks. But looking at you now, you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

You look to him, and whisper

“I love you too, you know that?”

He grins slightly, and nods

“I know, I was just waiting for you to say it.” You chuckle, and he laughs

He brings his hands to your waist, caressing it. He moves closer and asks in a low voice;

“Can I kiss you?”

You smile and nod, he doesn’t give it a second thought before he pulls you in. Connecting your lips to his.

You meet him halfway, holding his face as he gently kisses you. The months of words unsaid are let free now, and there’s a relief that’s lifted off both your shoulders.

After a few seconds, you let go for air. He pulls you in to put his forehead on yours.

“There’s absolutely nothing I can do to make you stay?”

You chuckle

“Maybe if you told me all this a few months ago, I would’ve stayed”

He chuckles and looks down

“I know.”

You breath in and speak up, wanting to address the other problem in the air

“Bradley… I’m away for 9 months. If that’s too long of a wait, then I understand”

He shakes his head as soon as you say it, “I don’t care. I’ll wait. I’ve already been waiting a year and a half for you. This is nothing” he smiles, and you chuckle in return

He pulls away and looks towards the pile of belongings still left, waiting for someone to tend to them. “Do you need help with that?” He asks

You breathe out a sigh of relief “please”

He laughs and nods, taking your hand in his. “Cmon. Let’s go sort it out”

You two sit down on the floor as you arrange all your belongings, now, the atmosphere around you isn’t filled with unspoken words anymore, instead, it’s filled with love, hope for something good. Before, there was an invisible string tying you towards each-other, yet neither of you seemed to know where it led, and now, you had both found the other end.

————————————————————————

masterlist

[tellafairy]

if i delete this account(which i won't cause idc about this debate that much lol), i'll still have everything i manifested, and continue to manifest. i'll still shift realities. but it's like, i don't understand what y'all think i could possibly get out of lying? explain to me. i don't make money on here, i haven't made any friends or anything on here, so what would i get out of lying? ouuu tumblr followers so impressive 👻 girl be serious

i take the time out of my life to share my experiences and beliefs because i know they help others gain confidence in their ability and opens their mind. ive been very venerable on here in the past and shared how i turned my life around without effort in my darkest times — and i try to help others do the same. god forbid i don't enjoy fueling the societal norm of suffering. if ur not open minded idk why youd spend ur time on loa accounts... ur doing the damage to urself.

also yes. i stated that people who don't believe in loa but, HARASS PEOPLE WHO DO BELIEVE IN IT, are haters. cause that's wtf they are ? 😹 i wish y'all would just admit when you don't believe in something or someone, instead of trying to make everyone else out as crazy. also stop whining about needing "photo proof" "or "actual evidence" outside of words. there's lots. but y'all STILL find a way to claim it's fake. yall was in my inbox for weeks saying all the photo sucess stories from other people i shared were fake... so i stopped trying to prove anything. i also think it's beyond entitled to expect others to break their privacy just so you can have proof of something. when i have people telling me to harm myself in my inbox and others threatening to doxx me, or saying disgusting things about my partner — who mind you i've only mentioned a few times, why would i ever post myself or anything that could possibly be private ? like some of y'all r crazy ... i'm good

i do think it's warranted for me to be a little aggravated or somewhat mean when responding to these stupid paragraphs, because i've been answering the same questions since 2024, i've explained my belief system and my experiences with loa/shifting in every possible way. if you don't believe me by now, if you go through all of my posts and you STILL question me, then that's on you. no where did i ever state that i "expect" you all to believe me. why would i? who are you? what am i suppose to say when y'all accuse me of lying when i've answered every possible question surrounding my manifestations already. like okay u don't think it's real.... great job... now what...

anyways, stop putting words into my mouth, stop talking about me and my life as if it's made up. i don't care if you believe in it or not, but have some respect and speak to me like a fucking person or don't speak at all.

[trashquisitor-shirozora]

*enables you* what happened with TLJ 👃

After all these years I still can't properly find words to explain how deeply betrayed I felt after the credits rolled and I shuffled out of the movie theater with everybody else. There was a TON of hype surrounding this movie, an absolute fuckton. I only saw positive reviews about it, the cast, the director, the plot. I got excited to see where Rian Johnson & Co. would take the ST.

The only remotely negative comment I saw before watching the movie was a fandom blog saying they didn't like what happened to Poe. Since this blog was about racism in fandom, I knew something was off. That was my only warning.

And y'know, it was like, five minutes in? Ten minutes? And Poe makes a "Yo mama" joke at Hux? I used to go into movies with an open mind and spent days gathering my thoughts about them because I was always slow to react, slow to gather my thoughts into coherent strings of words. It's how I enjoyed Michael Bay productions and JJ Abrams' love affair with lens flare. I never got actively angry with a movie I was watching, and I was fucking angry by the time the movie ended. I still remember texting a friend while standing out in front of the theater because I was so confused. The response to TLJ was so positive so why did I come out of the movie so frustrated and confused and dissatisfied with the whole thing?

It's been years and we all know how this movie divided the Star Wars fandom and just... broke Fandom Spaces in a way I never expected. We all know what TLJ did and didn't do, and how TROS provided the final nail in the coffin that was the ST experiment. But back then, all I saw was positive commentary about the themes and messages of TLJ, how it portrayed failure and the dangers of putting someone like Luke Skywalker on a pedestal, how the Force was female, how... important it was to see Poe get characterized as a hotheaded hotshot who needed to be demoted, slapped around, and stunned in order to learn some kind of lesson, how important it was to see Finn lose everything he gained in TFA so that he could relearn how not to be selfish or something while starring in a fucking incredibly tone-deaf B plot, how Rey... I'm not sure exactly what because she didn't need training anyway and then spent most of her time trying to bring Ben Swolo back to the light????? Rose was so promising as someone who grew up under the FO's thumb but she and Kelly were fucking abandoned by Disney so I don't know if Rose existing was actually a good idea if it meant giving Kelly unending trauma. Mark slipped up by calling Luke "Jake" and expressing his displeasure in front of cameras, and I was so fucking baffled and alienated by his character after knowing how his story ended in ROTJ that I couldn't connect with whatever lessons I and he are supposed to be learning. JJ set up Snoke like a mystery box and Rian just yeeted him off without so much as a fucking explanation so what was the point of that? Hux was a fucking joke. Phasma was barely there. The only character that Rian cared about was fucking Kylo Ren and Adam says years later that he was never supposed to get a redemption arc anyway.

Like, this was the movie everyone hyped up? This was the movie that didn't answer any questions left unasked by TFA and didn't bother to move forward with character development for any of the known characters? I spent money watching a slow space chase that ended on a planet made of salt and killed off Luke for Reasons? Am I stupid? Am I dumb? Am I a peasant incapable of understanding the masterpiece Rian directed, this so-called Best Star Wars Movie Since ESB?

But I couldn't say anything. I couldn't be dogpiled for hating such a empowering movie for women, a diverse and inclusive movie that had the likes of John and Kelly and Oscar. I couldn't be lumped in with the Star Wars dudebros with their raging misogynistic and racist takes on the movie, the cast, Kathleen Kennedy and Lucasfilm, Disney, etc. I couldn't be seen as one of them just because I didn't like a movie that I should like, I'm supposed to like. So I sat in silence, read meta, witnessed the fucking catastrophic explosion around some wild ass AO3 fandom essays written by a racist OG member of OTW about Finn/Poe, saw hate piled on black and bipoc fans, saw r*ylo fans come for John and John clap back at them, just saw an absolute fuckton of hate, and so by the time TROS came around I just... checked out. There was no way JJ could salvage what Rian had done and I was right. TROS was a corporate-run soulless garbage end to the Sequel Trilogy, but it ended just as The Mandalorian finished its first season and regained a lot of good will with this small story about a lonely Mandalorian bounty hunter who encountered a Force-sensitive Baby Yoda.

And then TBOBF/Season 3 of the Mando Show happened, just like how TLJ happened. All the promise, all the unanswered questions of the previous movie/season, all fucking dropped or provided with the worst, most unsatisfying answer. I'm sure others have found better answers and can live with what Star Wars gave us, but I haven't been able to. TLJ came out years and years ago, and I am still so bitter today. I'm still so bitter because TFA had such an incredibly compelling setup with such promising characters, and then TLJ Did That.

I got so heated while writing this. I'm still so mad. I'm still so bitter. I bury my head so deep in the sandbox I built for myself so that I don't have to think how Disney is twisting and contorting all these Mando'verse shows so that they all eventually lead to the ST, their precious hot potato child that just... didn't have to end the way they did if they actually had a fucking plan and fucking stuck the landing. I'll give the MCU this - their Phase 1? They fucking stuck the landing. I fell off the train tracks and haven't really watched the MCU since Captain Marvel, but at least they had a fucking plan and didn't fucking derail themselves like Disney did with the Sequel Trilogy.

I could be nice to people who like this movie but I'm not going to be. They can be nice on their own blogs.

Man, I can't even watch Knives Out or Glass Onion because my blood starts boiling. Just. TLJ did a lot to ruin what I hoped would be a positive and creative connection with Star Wars, and it took the Mando Show and the 2 minutes where Din and Luke locked eyes on the Imperial light cruiser to bring me back.

I'm gonna stop before I get way too heated for sleep.

[waterstar2016]

This is a personal post. I am sharing my experience to show others how much a comment can hurt. This situation happened at work.

Over the last year, I have been on a weight loss journey. We are all a result of our experiences. I had an emotional and physically abusive mother who called me fat, ugly and stupid from the time I was 9 to when my father finally found out about the abuse and kicked her out when I was 18. This woman, who was supposed to be my mother, arranged a marriage for me when I was barely 17…to a 50 year old man in Barbados, because I wouldn’t be able to find a husband.

I have had more abusive realationships than I have had good ones with men. Narcissistic, emotional and one even physically abusive.

I managed a retirement home during COVID and almost killed myself because I was caring more about others than myself.

I gained weight.

These reasons aren’t excuses. They are the facts of life that I had to deal with.

These facts are that my blood pressure was through the roof. My resting HR was well into the danger zone. I could have died.

Over the last year I have lost 70lbs. I want to lose about that much more. I have cried, sweated and injured myself (not on purpose or even by working to hard…shit just happens), all in the hopes to get my health back.

At work we have a new majority shareholder. Not my boss, but still a major part of my work environment.

I get taken out to lunch with my other coworker and what does this man say as I am eating? “Have you always been a bigger girl?”

I was so shocked I couldn’t react. I was frozen. I am in a public restaurant while a man that doesn’t know me is telling me to lose weight.

I managed to hold it together for the rest of the meal. I did not say anything. I kept myself professional.

That unprofessional, uncalled for bullshit has made me cry for the last day.

Those few insensitive words brought back that little voice in my head that says “you’re fat, you’re ugly” screaming to the surface.

I was just starting to feel better about myself even though I have more weight to lose. Guess what. I’m fucking trying.

I have been single for 4 years because I have been trying to ‘find myself’ again after a 14 year off and on emotionally abusive relationship.

I only recently started to dip my toes back in the dating pool and might even be going on a date in the near future.

I want to hide. I want to punch my pillow. I want to scream.

I will not let this destroy me or the work I have done. I will get over it.

I do however, need to pick up the pieces of my shattered confidence and put them back together.

I am sharing this for transparency. I am sharing this because I am a believer of body positivity. I am sharing this because maybe someone else is going through something similar…

You’re not alone.

The sad thing is…is that I know I’m not either.

Jenn

[honoreddove]

Happy WW Dove!!! I'm on a music kick so:

This week I wanna know what your favorite Sam/Dean song is and maybe a lil drabble if you're feeling very inspired

Happy WW, thank you for the ask Rae <3

My favorite Sam/Dean song is absolutely Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms

I am such a sucker for Stanford-era Wincest (and those times around it) especially for that sweet spot where things got worse shortly before and after Sam left and this song perfectly encapsulates Dean's feelings from that era <3

This is gonna be long but I'm gonna go through this song and just relate it to the feelings Dean's gonna feel :) (Sorry for any formatting weirness I had to copy this from my PC because webbrowser Tumblr does not like sending my asks)

This is for the lions living in the wiry broke down frames of my friends bodies When the flood water comes, it ain't gonna be clear It's gonna look like mud But I will help you swim I will help you swim I'm gonna help you swim

Dean's sense of having lost so much yet how he and everyone around him still keeps on fighting. He knows Sam's gonna experience the same things because it's the hunting life and it's gonna be horrible and Sam is going to feel like he's gonna loose everything but he's not alone because Dean is there to help him (swim). 

This is for the snakes and the people they bite For the friends I've made; for the sleepless nights For the warning signs I've completely ignored There's an amount to take, reasons to take more

Dean's life, the bad (monsters/snakes), the good (the people he's saved), what he's gained and what he's lost. He doesn't want to loose anymore, but he's going to loose Sammy. He wonders if there's anything he could have done to prevent it, how Sam only had so much to give but how Dean, John and the hunting life demanded more. 

When they close their eyes and prayed you would change And they cut your hair, and sent you away You stopped by my house the night you escaped With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay You said, hey man, I love you but no fucking way

Sam not living up to what John wants him to be, so John pushes him harder and harder (cutting hair as a form of punishment? Something John would probably do). Dean does nothing against this, nothing to defend his brother. Sam leaves, and Dean begs him to stay, but Sam obviously won't. From Dean's perspective, Sam is abandoning the family, is abandoning him. Dean loves Sam more than Sam loves him, hence why it's "I love you BUT"

I'm sure that we could find something for you to do on stage Maybe shake a tambourine or when I sing, you sing harmonies

Sam's been upset with being left out of the family business on several occasion. Dean wonders if including Sam more would have stopped him from leaving BUT his thinking is still caught up in the need to protect Sam. His part of the family is to be protected, hence why he isn't supposed to be proactive but either do things that are generally superfluous or follow Dean and John in some way. 

This is for the lake that me and my friends swim in Naked and dumb on a drunken night And it should've felt good But I can hear the Jaws theme song on repeat in the back of my mind

Dean is entirely unable to relax, even when he gets the chance. There is always some danger, something horrible lurking, someone who needs to protected from a monster in the dark. I think that probably got worse when Sam was gone, because his baby brother, alone at college? No one is there to protect him. 

There are lessons to be learned, consequences for all the stupid things I say And it is no big surprise you turned out this way The spark in her eyes The look on your face I will not be late

Dean blaming himself for Sam leaving, thinking it's no wonder that his brother left. Also, him taking the blame for Jessica dying (the spark in her eyes) and Sam watching her, but once again, he saves his brother, it is the one thing he can do. 

I'm sure that we could find something for you to do on stage Maybe shake a tambourine or when I sing you sing harmonies

Dean and Sam kind of having to find their place in a new life. Dean still wants Sam to follow him, because he is still worried about his baby brother. It's more tentative than before, because this time it's Dean alone who is in charge of his brother, of protecting him, and there is no John to help him. 

I wanna contribute to the chaos I don't wanna watch and then complain 'Cause I am through finding blame That is the decision that I have made

In some ways, Dean was never happy with Sam being back in the hunting life. His brother was happy with Jess, and Dean wanted that for him, in some way. But, the chaos allows him to be with Sam, and so Dean wishes it never ends, he wants to keep hunting and keep Sam there with him. There is chaos, but they will go through it together. I think this is Dean finding himself to be frustrated with his guilt and feelings regarding Sam, wants to stop finding blame in himself and just complain when he could accept what has happened. 

She hopes I'm cursed forever to Sleep on a twin-sized mattress In somebody's attic or basement my whole life Never graduating up in size to add another And my nightmares will have nightmares every night Oh, every night, every night

But he always returns to his self-loathing and guilt. He imagines that Jess, his brother's chance at escaping hunting, loathes him for dragging Sam back. Sam's chance at a new, ordered life thwarted by his brother. Jess' curses regarding Dean is what Dean thinks he deserves - to be alone, never to "graduate up in size to add another". He will forever be haunted by his nightmares, he will never sleep peacefully again. 

This whole song is (well wasn't intended but can be read as) about Dean regretting parts of his life, wondering if he could have done differently, and hating himself for the things and mistakes he thinks he's made. It's about him literally being stuck in his childhood (twin size mattresses). He wants to stay there with Sam, on that mattress, like when they were kids, but Sam has outgrown that part of himself. Dean drags him back, but he is still stuck in the past, alone, and while Sam is there and part of Dean wants to stop hating himself for that, he can't. He can't forgive himself, he can't move on, he will be perpetually stuck on that twin size mattress with his brother, dragging his brother down with him. And he will never stop regretting that. 

[toothlespoggers]

”Why are you sad” WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FEEL JOY IS BY HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO GO DO STUFF THAT IS FUN IN THE MOMENT BUT ULTIMATELY STILL LEAVES YOU EMPTY INSIDE BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THE WORLD IS BEING FUCKED OVER IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS BY PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE COMMON SENSE AND THERES NO HOPE IN TRYING TODO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSEIT JUST DOESNT WORK. HOW ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ON THE INTERNET WITHIUT SEEING EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD. THE ONLY WAY TO BE “HAPPY” IS TO BE AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING CONTROLLED AND PERFECT. AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES. UNTIL YOU DIE. BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE, WALKING DOWN THE STREET, EATING, SLEEPING. EVERYTHING JUST REMINDS YOU THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY SUFFERING FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD. AND SOMEHOW ADULTS DONT CARE. THEY DONT CARE ABOUT THE DEATHS. THEY DONT SEE THE BLOODSTAINS ON EVERYTHING AROUND THEM. THEY SOMEHOW AVOID IT ALL.

WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? BECAUSE BEING SAD. BEING ANYTHING ELSE. IS TOO DIFFICULT. WHAT ARE WE JUST SUPPOSED TO ROLL OVER WHEN SOMEONE ASKS IF YOURE OK? NO. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW EVERYTHING WOULD GO

“hey man, you ight?”

“NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT, EVERYTHING IS AWFUL EVERYTHING IS BAD. THE “GOOD” IS MOSTLY JUST GASLIGHTING, A SUNNY LITTLE PICTURE OF FALSE HOPES AND PROMISES TO CALM YOU DOWN AND KEEP SOCIETY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE IN REALITY EVERYTHING IS BAD, THE BAD COMES SO MUCH AND THE GOOD IS SO SPARSE YOU HAVE TO PHYSICALLY REMIND YOURSELF OF IT, AND IF EVERYTHINGS OK WOULDNT IT BE EASY TO FIND OUT GOOD NEWS INSTEAD OF DIGGING THROUGH THE INTERNET TO FIND ANYTHING? ISNT IT RIDICULOUS THAT WE ARE LABELLED AS “MENTALLY ILL” FOR HAVING FUCKING COMMON SENSE? WE ALL REALISED AS SOON AS WE GAINED SENTIENCE

“HEY WOW, ACTUALLY THE WORLD IS KINDA HORRIBLE!” AND INSTEAD OF FIXING IT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE “YEAH BRO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THAT, YOURE CRAZY. THE WORLD ISNT AWFUL! LOOK AT OUR LITTLE RICH WHITE NEIGHBOURHOOD, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND NOTHING IS WRONG! YOU ARE STUPID FOR THINKING THIS.”

LIKE BRO. NO??? ITS NOT OK? I DONT “GET SAD” I AM SAD. THIS ANXIETY DEPRESSION, COCKTAIL NEVER SUBSIDES. IT IS JUST IGNORED. REPEATEDLY. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FORGOT TO SURVIVE.

YOU HAVE TO GRIT YOUR TEETH, WIPE YOUR EYES AND DISSOCIATE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE MINDSET OF:

“Well Im alive now, I might as well enjoy it” BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU CAN DO.

I WANT. TO BELIEVE. IN THE POSITIVES.

WE ALL DO.

BUT LOOK AROUND.

IT WOULD LITERALLY TAKE A MIRACLE, NOT A SMALL ONE. A NATIONAL. WORLD WIDE. MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MIRACLE. TO FIX THINGS.

BUT THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOU CANT EVEN TAKE COMFORT IN RELIGION BECAUSE RELIGION IS LIKE “yeah no everythings gonna be like really bad and get worse and worse until everyone dies”

like. SERIOUSLY.

so NO. I am not “ok” and if you are. Congratulations. You’ve achieved a level of ignorance I TRULY wish I could obtain.

you wanna know why NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE IF EVERYONE ON EARTH KNEW THIS. EVERYTHING WOULD COLLAPSE.

And I’m not saying you can’t be happy. YOU CAN! I am often happy! I have a lot of good moments. Life is worth living! Until a certain point you can always experience joy. There will always be SOMETHING. Good.

I’m sorry it sucks. I want it to change, I want to be happy. I want to go outside knowing that there’s a future, that there isn’t just misery ahead of me.

but I can’t do anything about it.

I can’t seek therapy. I can’t tell anyone.

because all they do is try and get me to be happy again, different strategies!! Different Methods! Different medication! So much medication :,D but I’m tired of people telling me not to be sad.

Stop trying to fix the individuals with drugs and cheesy advice.

FIX THE WORLD FOR US. THEN THE CHILDREN WONT NEED TO BE HIGH ON PAIN KILLERS TO BE HAPPY.

(I try to keep stuff like this to a minimum on my blog but at this point this is the only way I can safely put my opinion out into the world without being put into a mental hospital or yelled at.)

[docholligay]

Epsiode 10: Taissa (and van)

Hello! This is about up to Episode 10 of Yellowjackets, and ONLY episode 10 of Yellowjackets. I have not seen beyond the first season, at all, and know NOTHING about this show. Please do not spoil it for me.  Things that are spoilery in nature, for me, include: saying things like  “Just wait!!” confirming or denying anything I put forward, outside information about the cast interviews or creator statements, leading questions like “Do you think “blank moment” means anything?” etc. Remember  that Y’ALL HAVE SEEN THE SHOW AND I HAVE NOT. This informs the way you  talk about things relating to the show. Just be really careful is all  I’m asking. Also: If there is LITERALLY any stance I  could take on this show or character that would make you upset, please  just fucking block the tag

If you WOULD like to discuss the show and my takes on it, the Discord is right here! I don’t go there, so it’s a great place to get every emotion out.

Please thank @sailorsunspot and @moonlight-frittata for backing this odd way of doing a liveblog, and remember my tip jar is always open

I do think, like Tai, that Van’s little foray into following Lottie’s weird religion is stupid, and I mean that in the kindest possible way, like Tai, I understand t hat she went through something horrifying and is desperately clinging to whatever she can find, and also trying to make herself the wilderness’ favorite (too bad, Lottie is already the wilderness’ favorite). But I’m interested in what this means for Van, and specifically what it means for Van and Taissa because fervent faith can make people do strange things. And Lottie does not have Laura Lee, whose faith was coupled with kindness, something that is not in Lottie. We’ve seen that Lottie can be a meanspirited bitch just like most people, and so if she has this power, and this faith, and if Van is following her so closely, what will she do, and how far can Taissa possibly follow her? 

How can Taissa take Van wanting to fucking pray to Lottie or whatever because the bear came in? How can Taissa take her offering up hearts on an altar? How can she take the way that her girlfriend has now become the kind of person that could very easily be in thrall to every little thing Lottie does--if she survives, i wouldn’t be surprised if she’s still Lottie’s right hand woman--and no longer the girl that Taissa loved? It’s easy to say that her finding religion makes her no differnt, but it does, it absolutely does, and I can’t see Tai ever really getting full bore behind the faith in anything other than a pragmatic way. “Just make it quick, olkay?” oh girl you are about to be in so fucking deep with this. Van is forcing call and response. She’s sacrificing at altars. 

AND THAT’S HOW THE FUCK YOU END UP MURDERING YOUR DOG I knew she did it, i knew it, I am happy to be right, always, but yeah, this is how you get dragged into a cult, is by letting your pussy lead you when your girlfriend has a near death experience and loses her mind. I think I’m supposed to love Van more than I do love Van? Anyway. 

And for me saying all that, and thinking Van is a fucking moron, and I do, even if forest god is real, Van is also right that Tai has no clue what’s going on out here, and is just dealing with it in her own Taissa Turner way. She’s going to reason her way through it, and keep going, and she’s not going to sit around thinking about some weird power that might or might not be out there, and even if it is fuck it. 

I love that Taissa’s arc is her becoming a leader, is her gaining power, and we immediately see that there is something ugly underneath it, there is a raw joy in the having of power, and I love that for her, I cannot wait to see that play out. 

[calypso-finale]

Hundred Twenty Nine. Part 2

I am in shock; I cannot believe this actually happened. One minute we are in the car laughing and flirting, I had a little drink or two, nothing big because I don’t drink heavy like that anymore and the next I see the guys in helmets just staring back at me. Fear took over me when I saw them, but I am trying to process it all and that was scary, Oakley was so calm I think he was only panicking with me there, I think that is the only reason because I didn’t know what to do at all. The next thing I am being dragged down and across the panel, and over his lap, worst experience ever too because what if he crashed, all I could think about is my son, like this could be it and then a flat tyre, being in the open and Oakley being stubborn “I just want to go home” I said to Tion as he made his way over to me “I said it to him, that I will call a cab and get you home and he said no. I ain’t sign up for this you know” he laughed “you’re supposed to take a grenade for me” Tion laughed “you right, I am joking. That is really nothing though, I have been in worse situations, that is light work” side eyeing him “I am not about that life, no. This is what I have told him, this is what I don’t want, this is the life I don’t want and he’s not caring. He was so calm, it was me stressing him out” Tion nodded his head “I mean women, you was howling” I cringed “in fear Tion” he sighed out crossing his arms “and that is fine, I think he just didn’t want you to see around you either, like the amount times they was gaining, this is why I kept saying brake. And he was braking harshly because they kept moving forward like I am not sure what they wanted, and that bullet hit the back, they look like some young ones though, not sure if they was trying to get a hit or a message but they did it in the wrong ends. Who does that in Mayfair knowing the cameras they got around, Oakley isn’t stupid. I think the whole police thing is calculated” I huffed out “yeah well they could get any of us like this, I mean good the police are here, but we needs to go” Oakley waved us over “come!” he spat.

The police just stared at me “we will be in touch to speak to you” he said “but right now we are going to get CCTV footage and try and gain some more information, Oakley has given everything he can. But we will be in touch tomorrow” nodding my head “ok” I just said “come, come” Wadz waved me over “who’s car is this?” I asked, “Clint came, he is to drive you both back” side eyeing Oakley “ok” I just said getting into his car “family” I am so drained, we had a good night and now this “no family?” Clint looked at me from the front seat “a tired one” I mumbled “sorry that happened to you, I only found out because someone posted it on IG that this is Cench car, this an unruly place you know. I mean we can’t live in fear all our lives, we live by that don’t we Oakley” his friends can choke, I don’t care really because that is fucked up “well I was scared, I am in fear so where do we go from there? It is not good; I have a son at home waiting for me. Maybe you all want to play on the road, but I have told you so many times Oakley that ends, you said it ended?” I pointed “I am not playing on the road; I am home with you?” Oakley defended “oh are you really? Because you aren’t living with me every day Oakley, on the weekends you come to me so what do you do for the other times? Don’t piss me off, like you and this road shit, this is your fault” he is lying to me “I ain’t do shit, literally someone probably might have seen the number plate you fucking got me and knew to get at me, that happens too, how the fuck are you blaming me? I told you that I don’t do shit anymore, I have a family, but you’re sat here blaming me, you’re jarring” he waved me off “I am not jarring, I am telling you now I am not having this, I don’t want to live in fear because of you!” I shouted “I don’t think my man would put his family in danger” Clint said “of course you’re going to say that! Just don’t speak” I said, I don’t want to hear it.

My phone died so I didn’t get all the calls and my mom has left so many messages and missed calls “mom” I said, I am in bed now, but I don’t want them to worry “my god, you’re giving me a heart attack here, what is happening!” she spat “I am here mom, my phone died sorry. I am in bed now. It’s fine” I have to remain calm collected with my family “I am glad you’re home but Rylee, this has to open to your eyes. You both can’t live in London anymore, moving different parts don’t work” this is why I want to act calm with my parents “mom look, it’s not like it was his fault or that he did something. He was targeted, I think it was his number plate they knew it was him. I am not having this battle with him over moving, I can’t do it” shaking my head “well I will knock some sense into him, I told him he can’t live there! You think I could live in Virginia? No, I fucking can’t. He is one dumb bastard, I will fucking murder him if anything happens to you” my dad is so highly emotional “dad, please do not start this. Nobody is going to hurt anyone right. He was the one protecting me, he didn’t want that to happen with me there, I know that for sure. I do not want you to do anything to him because that affects me, you can’t be in my future like that. I will deal with it, please. You cannot attack him; you both already are on the edge with things and now you want to attack him? No dad, that can’t happen and mom you can’t let it happen because you both know where my loyalty lies, I have said it so many times now. I call you because I am close to you all but if this what will happen I will stop” they can’t do this “no, your dad won’t. He is expressive, so what is happening now?” my mom changed the subject “I am in bed, and he had gone to the apartment, but the police will visit me tomorrow morning” I am so tired “so you went through that and he just left you?” my mom said, and I wish I didn’t tell her now “we agreed, I said he could” I lied, I never asked, and he just went once Clint dropped me off.

I am so tired but managed to get Aziel to school on time, I look a mess so shades on is a must. I didn’t really sleep well actually, how could I sleep when that happened to me and then now the footage that the dumbass police saying they are searching for is right in front of them, on every gossip page, like that scared me, I could have died in that but let’s post it. I cringed seeing it, how scary that was for me, and then on top of that my soon to be husband literally left me, didn’t care to stay but I had to lie to my mother to say that I agreed for him to go, I hate life “thank you Tion” he is always there “you’re welcome” walking out of the door “Lee” I stopped walking seeing Oakley is here, and why is he even here but he has flowers with him, and his friends are here too “what?” I said walking towards my car “you want to go to the car?” Tion asked “yeah I want to go home, I prefer not to be near them” I am not dealing with that “let me speak to you please, why are you running away from me like that, Tion close the car door bro just don’t hype her up like that” pulling a face “hyping me up like that? Oakley don’t come to me with flowers after what happened, the behaviour to me is dismissive. Now you’re here with flowers? Are you serious” he licked his top lip “I didn’t want to put you in danger, like hear me out. They don’t care for you like that, they want me or whatever. I just needed to get my head straight” he is defending his shit behaviour “no Oakley, I needed you and that should have been first on your list” walking towards the car but he closed the door and that alone made me mad “let’s talk please, let me take you to lunch, let me get you breakfast I mean. Come” I shook my head, you can text me where and I will see you there, I am not fucking with that shit anymore, I have to think of me and my son, since you don’t give a shit, move now!” opening the car door “text me in five minutes or I ain’t coming” closing the car door.

I hate when he has a stupid smile on his face like now, what is even funny I don’t know “I was behind you really, but the boys left, I still have your flowers” he placed them on the table “you bought them knowing I will be pissed with you” I pointed “I suppose” he sat down “I suppose? You knew, you should have been there for me, I have never in my life been through that, don’t touch me” I sat back “I had to lie to my mother to say I allowed you to go, but I didn’t. You should have stayed with me, you knew I needed you, but you still went” he rubbed his face, he has already heard enough but I have just started “I had things to deal with, like I needed to know who that was. I have been up all night, but why did you tell your parents. Why run to them? So they can be on my dick, we are getting married. Me and you! Not them, I am not marrying into your parents, you running to them showed you can’t deal with shit yourself, why go to them? All fucking night I had your mom on the phone, worrying about you. I told her that you are home, then she rang again, and again. And a fucking again to tell me to move, I ain’t moving out of London. I ain’t your dad, I don’t run. That shit is a freak accident that happened because I know people and they don’t attack like that, that shit was lame” I waved him off “so you rather live in London where someone could take you out, or even me or even our son? I have to think of me, I have to think of my son. And we want more kids!? In this environment” he is not hearing himself “Lee, I am telling you now them who did it, they don’t know me like that at all. They saw the number plate, that was it. They knew we was coming out because they waited, who the fuck waits to attack, do it while I am standing, that shit wasn’t targeted, it was some dumb kids trying their luck. Elder boys would have done it there and then, no waiting. I ain’t moving, I ain’t going to America, that shit fake place nah. Either we stay here or nothing and I told you this, and I don’t want you running to your parents. Your dad comes here and starts he will regret it, I have had enough of his shit, never again” he is mad “you could have shut your mouth instead you know that, you fucking check my phone” he threw his phone to me “you see how many times your mother called!” picking his phone up to check.

She is the only name in his call list and then his mother at top, that was it. Placing his phone down “trying to drill me about everything, trying to make me move to America, you can tell your mom. You can call her too and tell her you stay here but if Rylee you don’t then we can’t work” he shrugged “I apologise ok, I am sorry I should have stayed with you, but I was too angry, I needed to know. I needed to know who did that, I still don’t know. Usually these motherfuckers air it out on social media but nothing, because that wasn’t the people that hate me, this was just wishful fucking youths. It’s London, they saw my plate and did it. They probably wanted my Rolex; I don’t know but it happened, and we move on because fuck them” shaking my head “that isn’t the point, life even if your calm about it. If they did get you for real then what? I lose you, I just want to protect us” he sighed out “and we are protected, nobody is coming for me. I don’t know who they are, don’t you have the police coming over?” nodding my head “I will come home with you” he said, “now you come home, I needed you then” he groaned out “and I get it, but I wouldn’t have been any good to you then Lee, don’t you hear that!” he spat “I do but I still needed you, I don’t want you walking off when I need you. I needed you! Hear those words, I have never been through that in my life. I was scared and still am” he leaned forward “I am sorry, I do mean it. I just needed to know; I wouldn’t have been any good to you. I came to you because I knew, I hold my hands up. I am sorry” nodding my head “I was mad that it happened with you there, really am” I can imagine he may have been awful to be with after that, maybe he is right “like I am mad with you really, why did you have to tell your mom. I am pissed with you, what is between us should be just that. I am big mad, I want to know why?�� he asked me but now he has put me on the spot “I have the police arriving, I need to go” changing the issue “I will go too” he added, which I rather he didn’t now.

Oakley is very pissed with me that I got my parents involved but what does he want me to say, I mean I was emotional and scared, I mean I am still but what did he want me to do. Now he is here, so is the police, like what is my life I wasn’t made for this “with us taking your statement Miss Fenty, it seems like Oakley knew what to do?” one of them said “what you trying to insinuate, you just said that these bikers have been targeting other people so like what are you trying to say?” Oakley asked “they have been targeting other people with money, but they never shot at the vehicle, so we are asking if you know any information? We are trying our best to get them and I don’t think you are in danger, but they haven’t shot at the car, and these are youth, they have been going around London doing this” looking at Oakley and he shrugged “that is the job for you, why would I know? I just was protecting my partner that is all, you acting like I did wrong?” he laughed “it’s dumb, I don’t get why you trying to make it seem I was doing anything wrong?” if like Oakley even likes the police “we are just trying to get information” Oakley laughed “you from the ends my guy, I know you stop acting dumb” my eyes widened “seems a little deep for someone to shoot at your car, we are trying to do our job and keep you safe but” he got up “some don’t want to be saved, but we will be on your case Miss Fenty and look into it. And try and not hang with the wrong crowd” he looked at Oakley, well that was rude “same to you” I shushed Oakley.

I huffed out, I am tired and stressed “is this what you want? Me to be stressed out and questioned, we was in Mayfair, fucking Mayfair! And still that happened, still!” I spat “it’s London, what do you want me to say? Maybe I shouldn’t drive around with my name on my car, be better but you got me that, I wanted to use it but I will switch it up, maybe I have been a little too free” he held his hands up “or we need to move and think of us, somewhere peaceful” he shook his head “this is peaceful, you live on the same street as billionaire’s what more do you want!?” he spat “and they complain about your friends doing fucking music videos outside my fucking home! On the street, the loud music when they come, act your pay grade Oakley! You ain’t them!” I shouted “but you want to be, you beat cancer to be like this? You want to marry me to do what? Tell me? So we can be in danger, live life on edge, at this point I am going Ireland with your mother and feed the fucking goats there, she is happy and at peace because London, this place it’s toxic! I can’t do this; I can’t have this for my son! To see my son with these men that enjoy gang affiliated things! Aziel will be the same and I fucking see it, you know it but you’re ok with it deep down” he doesn’t want to hear me, the amount of times he rolled his eyes “Aziel will never know struggle, so no he can’t be for the streets, don’t worry. Put him in boarding school so he can be a prime minster and hating his own kind, that is fine. We can do it like you, and he end up like Saint, a sadistic motherfucker, rich kids don’t get it. Never fucking will, I am not going America to be a fake American, I hate that country and I hate that place, I am not moving out of London, you deal with it, or we can’t work and if you want to run to mommy and daddy because they got money and take my son then more fool you because he will hate you for it, decide Rylee because I ain’t moving. You came here, I am not being unhappy for the rest of my life , my people are here. Do what you like” he waved me off and walked off to the kitchen “not even for me you wouldn’t move?” I asked “we did move! Here! For you, if it was me I would be still in that fucking apartment, I don’t care. I did! Fuck” he is so mad because I even questioned him “acting dumb” poking my lips out crossing my arms.

Oakley hasn’t left the home or stormed out, he is here but not speaking to me just eating food and speaking to his friends, but the girls are calling me anyways, a group one. They have been trying to call me “hey” closing the door behind me “girl, what the fuck?” Lillian said, “I know right” I rolled my eyes “I have five minutes left on my lunch break” Lillian said, “are you ok?” she asked “yeah girl, we have been worried. The video has been everywhere, you look cute too” I chuckled “oh god, it just switched. Like all I know is that Oakley had my head down, his hand didn’t move because he didn’t want me to look up, one hand driving. He was speeding, I got to give it to him he knew what to do, he was calm, and I just think it kind of threw him off because I was there, but he was calm, I was well still having a meltdown. He said it’s not targeted but then why they shot the car?” I shook my head “they knew of him, like or one of them did like that is crazy. Wyge said he been rolling like he is mad anyways, like why are you rolling with your name out there. Down west, down south west. Like everyone knows it’s you. He should remain hidden like he was” Halle said “I know, well it’s my fault I got it him or whatever, but we aren’t talking because I want to move and he sees me as some rich girl that can jump up and leave and he refuses to leave London altogether” Lillian smiled “he will live and die in London girl, that must have triggered him” I nodded my head “but yeah, there we have it. I guess I will stay in London, he said he gave up living in that place for me to live in this better spot and that was the biggest thing for him or whatever I am like no it’s not really. You care about us keep us safe” I scoffed “yeah hey Oakley” looking behind me “great, but anyways. Wasn’t the facetime nice” he sat down, I guess he heard that “it was indeed, I have work now. Bye ladies” they both left me so quick, how annoying “look I will do anything for you to be safe, you and Aziel are my everything, I mean that but I can’t move, that will depress me a lot. I will move back here and the number plates I will take off but please don’t make this an issue, I don’t want to move away from London and I can’t be dealing with your parents either, that has got to stop” he is calm about it “ok” I mumbled, nodding my head “I love you Lee, I do” smiling lightly “I know” he stresses me out.

[livingobserver]

Before YOU..., Grow Old and I Hope You do

"I've grown "old". I know this because the experience and wisdom I've gained now outweighs the "stupid" of my youth. My body works more against me, than for me. But I do miss being young and stupid. How great it would be to back in that age and experience it once again. To be that free of Common sense and basic logic. Reasoning. To be able to say "Fuck It!", and not fear the not so obvious consequences of ignoring the realities. To be in awe of everything, and not have nearly everything..., so damned predictable. But, it is those years and the experiences in them that led Maturity into "Old Age". Though there is still a nine year old boy within that still has a voice, and hasn't forgotten how it feels to swing from a rope over a river, or climb that train trestle on a dare, or hold that girls hand for the first time. Not ever forgetting her name..., Paula. Those are the trade-offs in aging. The intrigue in exchange for a creeping dullness(?). You try to avoid having to make those trades as best you can. At best, you hope to balance it all. But along the way it is Nature that decides. All you can really hope to do is keep those memories alive. Keep the kid alive and well. Because he or she will be your best friend to your older you. That will be who you speak with most often as your life slows down and the quiet is more often than the noise. I am fortunate that I came to understand this early in my life as I watched and listened to the Elders in my circle. I knew I had to invest quality time in my youth to that which would be my closest companion in the last quarter. I suppose I don't have to tell you to do the same. But I would advise you, to not let any experience go by that will eventually, be a rich conversation between your advanced maturity and your youth. Anything that will cause you to smile as you watch the sunset. Maybe even a stupid grin. Cause folks to wonder what the hell you're grinning about. :) (I am 63 years old and still going, but I do sense the sunset coming faster. Not liking it but not fearing it. "NO FEAR!")

[xxdoubledaisyxx]

You cannot possibly lose anything

by going out of your way to help me in any way you believe you can. You will only gain advantage, profit, and find it most beneficial.

... well, you haven't figured that out for yourselves yet in 9 years as much as I have been trying to help you understand, so I have to tell you these things.

What would you do if you found out everyone was stupid like in Idiocracy and had to get real life going the way real life is supposed to be going?

Kill everyone? I wish. No, you need to get off your lazy, useless ass or we are only going to kill America. We will genocide the USA and that will be the holocaust for the sin unto all humanity that Trump offended the Lord Most High by defiling the soul of civilization with his treason. That affects everyone, you will only feel worse until you do something about it.

I hate to tell you this because it is bad advice, but please, be like me if you can. Strive with all of your heart to be as good as me until you can better, and then be better.

I am like Diogenes, not Socrates.

Yes. I will pull out my dick in public and wank off while openly fantasizing about fucking you in the street. I will do this in public if I wish and I will feel no remorse, no guilt, no sin, nothing immoral about it. Strange, yes?

That is illegal, and I would rather not break the laws of the land, but sex and sexuality, bodily pleasure, worldly things-- these are not sinful. These are things.

Why are you so sure of your judgements about my morality when you don't even know your own?

If I am out and about and I see conduct that I find intolerable, I correct it myself. You are not safe from my wrath, and I will come bearing upon you like the Almighty Father, beating you in front of your children and everyone else walking by, and while telling you everything you did, why it was wrong, and how your entire life has been a pathetic lie of the most selfish and disgusting vanity you believed was beauty.

That is not something you want to experience, but I do.

Provoke me, but stop provoking me if you are so god damn ignorant and weak that you cannot even put up a fight. Do not provoke me if you are so god damn ignorant and weak that you cannot put up a fight, the same way Trump is unable to be worthy of someone of my power to rebuke him.

It is not a challenge, it is not particularly rewarding for me, and I have other plans you would probably prefer to his without any hesitation and even more hatred for the man than me.

Then... as I am leaving, I will insult you in the most satisfyingly crude and vulgar manner, just so we can have a clean break and I never have to see your vile presence in my sight again. Hopefully.

What should threaten people about these promises I freely give charitably to anyone and everyone, is that when words inflict the wounds upon the ego's vanity, illuminating the sins of reality, the person will never be able to see beauty in their own reflection again. Not inside their own mind, not in a mirror.

Their hopes of vain ambition are eternally ruined by the Lord's Wisdom in the rod upon the backs of the foolish and wicked alike, as they defile the streets of the world the last time, and in a manner that is amusingly beneficial for all witnesses and testimony.

"But everything I had planned depended on that... now I can't put my heart into it because I know it's evil and I feel bad. It's making me look ugly and ruining all my fun..."

These are things criminal people never once in their lives think about until someone else thinks it for them. That is the kind of mistake Trump made without realizing it until it is too late, and then realizing all of it all at once.

criminals do not have a conscience. That is why they commit crimes. If you had a conscience, you would never commit a crime. Ever.

They do not suddenly gain a conscience, no. Those have to be cared for meticulously and patiently over a long and diversely experienced time. However, they do realize the futility of their resistance and want to lessen their imminent pain which only increases until they submit to justice. Their own people, the criminals without conscience, are the ones closest to them, the ones most at risk, and the ones most willing to inflict the cruelest and most harmful of tortures upon a human body.

Eventually the coward will learn, and then flee in the other direction away from the more dangerous threat to his life which is far more horrible to suffer eternally.

Trump, your excuse of "waiting until you knew for sure" is confession of guilt. You did nothing by waiting when you were most certainly supposed to have done something. That is your job, your responsibility, and the role of the president. Waiting is another word for nothing. You did nothing except purposely allow monstrous torture that you personally ordered.

You are not allowed to do that to our most hated enemies in civilization. You violated a universal law, and all nations of the world, the dead, the future, and powers of heaven will deliver humanity from your sin.

"...but nobody had ever tested it like that before..." -- my life, body, mind, soul, profession, career, citizenship-- nothing more than an object for them to manipulate and shape to their own designs with government powers.

That was horrible suffering to my real life body. I will not allow that to pass. You will die for your sins and all of Israel will be annihilated.

".... why didn't you behave like the kids do? submitting to an agent who will butt fuck them and then bring them into the propaganda ring to make a video game for them as a reward for being a good obedient avatar for the operators watching everyone and playing with their lives."

...

I have come to accept that I am least mad about this for the first time as a fact of realization. I am most rational about this situation and in control, but I thought my rage was greater than anything I could ever have furnished from my own self, and it is. Everyone else will be at least more violated by this disturbing government evil, more wrathful, and more hateful toward the enemies I hate now.

Surprised? You would never believe a human being would be capable of doing something as evil, intolerably vile, and obscenely inhumane. You have to see it to believe it. Their entire lie depends on the incredulity of their crime, not because of any good it does, but because of all the evil and extent of that evil that they do not want you to punish them for, as they are accountable to be punished.

Cowardice. This is a civilized concept, not a natural concept of fleshbeast you people seem to understand because you don't yet have human dignity to know what honor is to know what cowardice is...

whatever. Fuck off and die. You people suck and I want to get high.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

burnout or depression?

since I began understanding my autism I noticed

that the depression I thought I'd always suffered

was likely misdiagnosed burnout and a lack of ability

or agency to understand or even feel my feelings

because of the environments and characters within them

so I like to play my new favorite game

am I depressed or is this burnout?

I began unmaking at 33 and I'm sure of this because

I received an ipad at Christmas and the wallpaper I saved to it

and is still on it happens to be a woman in a pool of water lilies

she is removing a crystal mask of the sun from her face

everything is rainbow and bright and she's smiling

kind of wish the process would have been like that

but my psyche happens to be tricky and optimistic

and maybe a little bit more romantic than life tends to allow

now that I actually listen to my body and it's limits

I'm noticing that I don't have the energy and endurance

I thought I did... I just end up borrowing it for a cost later

I need to visually design some sort of mana bar or something

I'm writing this before I do my daily self care ritual

and before eating so my body is very cranky right now

which means I am at my most natural form before enhancement

like the amount of plant matter in a tea bag (minimal)

once you add it to hot water and diffuse it

you can fill a whole kettle with the volume of it's concoction

the cannabis must help me diffuse concentrated energy

it certainly helps diffuse my thoughts when my amygdala

is overactive or hypervigilant or perceiving threat

the unraveling is relaxed but I can rarely feel the "high"

but I mix it with herbs and water in my smoked storms

if I ingest it in larger quantities (which is a waste)

it may lend to burning me out more quickly too

I remember how anxious I was before the forest theatre

the entire day my energy was like a rocket

but when I went it was enjoyable and I fully let myself

be part of the experience and danced and engaged

a lot of it was for Theo's benefit so he'd feel free to also

be just as immersed but some of it was for me

I sang more songs on Thursday which led to exhaustion too

I may have to start recording energy levels and find the patterns

I've had no interest naturally in anything the last two days

I've had cycling negative thoughts that don't usually bother me

and often they don't quite align with the longstanding context

I don't want to eat or play and now I'm bored of sleeping

I haven't wanted to shower or interact or go anywhere

all my usual ways of getting myself balanced haven't worked

but since I have no interest the demand avoidance is strong

I think it will all change once I do my shower ritual and eat

ben was supposed to go to his parents and didn't

so there was an expectation of being able to fully unmask

I cannot fully unmask in his presence because it tends to

trigger something in him that gets provocative because

he takes everything so personally and then I want to make it personal

like dude if I want to fuck with you I'll just make you cry

but he's soft and stupid and the destruction is... unsatisfying

having to be masked likely takes up some of my energy reserves

even if it's just by isolating myself and grey rocking

like Theo and what I've noticed in his father's behavior

and his father's behavior now that I'm in analyzing mode

they have hyposensitive traits with the more inattentive ADHD

and because I am hypersensitive I tend to be a favorite

source of sensory seeking behavior and I'll let my son

harvest a little dopamine from it but fuck these adult men

that I have no real respect for anymore and need distance from

to gain that respect again but living with these helpless men children

does tend to feed a rage I inherited from lots of female ancestors

but then that reminds me that I'm technically homeless again

and my life is completely upside down and now I have this damn

autistic burnout thing to deal with to navigate in the future

doing everything on my own again...

which is fine because I've done it before

I actually have the right information and not crushing self-loathing

so it'll actually be easier this time since I'll set the

appropriate boundaries and recognize leeches

but... it's likely that autistic side that has all the fears that my

ADHD side found as fun challenges to overcome and flip off

after I eat and shower they'll both be balanced and I can work more

on the business and that will give me the income I need

to get an apartment and make sure I don't get burned out

because I'll be self-employed and using my talents instead of

doing work that is someone else's with their schedule in mind

the injustice of his narrative doesn't spark as much anger anymore

nor do I feel like stepping into the role he has placed me in

just to embody a nightmare he actually can't conjure

in a mind where people just loved and respected him for existing

sometimes it's fun to think about just what kind of creatures

he's going to encounter after he gets his freedom

unluckily one of them is going to end up being a stepmother

but I've been through shitty girlfriend mother experiences before

there's a part of me that is excited to see him sad

I don't really like that part of me the most but I get it

it's nice that instead of feeling furious disgust and contempt

now he just seems like an annoying neighbor boy that you dread

seeing approach because it's going to be annoying but whatever

that has to be helping my energy levels

alright I think I've explored this mind space enough

and had some good thinking and now I'm hungry and ready

to get back to my more balanced way of experiencing life

I think this is definitely more of a burn-out situation

which hopefully after the days of novels and rest

should melt away with my lava shower and a warm mocha

and some good music and I'll make sure to dance today

it's all going to be fine

[bloodybabytee]

Gender dysphoria as a “perfect girl” 

Hi, I wrote this kind of as a stream of thought, its semi-edited, but please forgive if it ends up going on tangents, I'd love to hear feedback on my writing as I'm trying to improve, thank you for reading. 

TW: Gender identity crisis, disordered eating ideation 

Last night, I went to my mirror just to check out a zit and discovered something strange- my facial hair had grown back. Now, this wouldn’t usually unsettle me as much as it did, but what about the hair on my chin? That’s new. Usually, the hair would only grow on the recesses of my neck, something I could easily ignore from day to day as I usually found shaving tiresome and difficult. it shocked me because I'm a femme nonbinary – or an egg, I don’t fucking know anymore, and had the privilege of being mostly unchanged by male puberty (I got the starter pack stuff, but generally remained unchanged), this comfort was shaken by the realization or theory that I could just be a late bloomer, I looked down my shirt to discover I had chest hair as well. Huh. This harrowing experience had me wonder about what would happen to my beauty as I age. I’m turning 20 this year, but the clock is ticking to do as much as I can, when I can, to prevent the changes to my body. I’ve seen what aging does to cis men, who for the most part roll with the punches, but for me, I'm pretty, not perfect, just pretty and I don’t want to lose that. In recent years, I've searched through articles and magazines trying to find rock-hard proof that I could prevent the degradation of my face and keep up this esoteric dreamscape where I coat the noun ‘supermodel’ with sarcasm despite knowing full well that I desperately wanted to be that girl. Am I saying I want to be a supermodel? Not necessarily, but is it so wrong that I want to see myself in a magazine? Is it wrong that I want to be seen as desirable? I’ve been given the note of having the demeanour of a celebrity and I took it as a compliment, but what about when my hair recedes, I gain weight, and lose the femininity I saw in my looks? No one wants to be associated with the brick-faced bitter old queen with a superiority complex, would they? No, I know they’d rather be with the doll-faced diva, ‘take a photo’ type of perfect girl. 

Revisiting the moment in the mirror, my next actions were to pace around the living room, making too much noise for what 4 AM calls for, and wondering- what are the steps to getting gender-affirming healthcare? Would I have to come out AGAIN? What are my options? Of course, my very first thoughts were: ‘Should I go back to starving? Maybe I can slow this process down just as long as I don't eat too much.’ of course, my self-awareness grabs ahold of me once again to remind me that this idea is fucking stupid and I don’t want to go to bed hungry any more than I had to, but I'm not going to sit here, lie and say that the thought never crossed my mind. This moment I had with myself reminded me of my trans brothers and sisters, and how they’ve likely experienced this sort of moment in their lives whether they knew their identity or not, and how they must have felt. I lived in a bubble of privilege where defecting from my birth-given gender was easy, and I had built up my self-image to the point where I liked the way I looked, and to think that it could be stripped from me by the passage of time scared me. Looking back now, how would they have felt? Would it be scarier to know your identity and see yourself changing uncontrollably, or more devastating to realize your identity and have it be far too late? All these questions, and I suppose the way they are asked, would assume it would be easy to halt the course of those changes, but I still feel the need to ask regardless.  

Clearly, femininity is something close to me, having grown up with two sisters and no brothers, living with my mother, and I think that what I find beautiful in myself is the parts that are the most feminine. I wonder if my idea of this so-called ‘supermodel’ lifestyle is firmly rooted in diva worship or something of the like. Growing up as a gay man, then later transitioning to non-binary certainly gives this diva worship theory some ground. Other than that, I don't know, man. This reads like the ramblings of someone clearly not well adjusted and deeply affected by the anti-ageing rhetoric we see today, but I definitely see the vision, would you rather grow old and deal with the reality of your beauty withering in your hands, blowing away like sand in your grasp, or die young and be shortly remembered as the ‘perfect girl’ ? 

[theholidayslingerlikebadperfume]

i think the issue with religious people is that they willfully ignore the reality of the universe to believe the shit that personally makes them feel good and that makes communicating with them infuriating because they will give you illogical statements that sound good but fall apart within 2 seconds of critically thinking about it and if you get mad about hearing the same stupid ass shit for the millionth time, you're the asshole for it but how can you even be nice about some of the nonsense they respond with???????

case in point, i was talking to a friend who was talking about cult leaders being narcissistic and i told her that i wouldnt agree with that at all because to me there is no difference between a cult leader using god to gain a following versus a religious person who has a "personal relationship" with their god because to me, they're both under the same delusion that their internal monologue is divine in nature somehow and i wouldnt call them narcissistic for it cause it's more complicated than that.

and we got into religion because of it and i made the comment that for me, i can only see it from an atheist perspective and i just know that a creator cannot exist because the universe is horrifically designed if that were the case and if im capable of conceptualizing a universe that has no suffering in it, then something with a billion times more intelligence than me definitely knows how to do it. and you know what this bitch comes back at me with????

"well thats just heaven and you need suffering to experience good emotions cause otherwise whats the point" girl what the fuck am i even supposed to respond with and how can i say it nicely????????

are you listening to yourself. i just told you i can think of several ways to create a universe that does not include suffering for the sentient beings inside of it at all and your best argument is "but heaven and earth are different things and you cannot put heaven on earth because earth is earth" goddamn bro can u like fucking think about what u are saying to me for 2 seconds i am begging u please.

this is why i fucking hate religion and i cannot stand talking to religious people about religion at all because they sound so fucking stupid in their cognitive dissonance that i just cannot fucking engage with it. i have very little patience for people who cannot even engage with the point you are actively making because to do so would crumble their fragile worldview and religious people are like that 9 times out of 10 tbh to me.

[song-of-the-rune]

Lorynthian Dashboard Simulator

🐾 and-i-dance-dance-dance

Life Hack: If you wander into the woods with a fancy feast, this guy will appear and sell you mildly cursed items at a 0% discount.

🐈‍⬛️ cait-has-wares Follow

seriously who let the mortals onto faeblr

🐾 and-i-dance-dance-dance

Who says I'm mortal?

#wait is that supposed to be me #<- prev #yes #wow guys look #the world's greatest salesman found my faeblr post #yapping

124 notes

🪦 licherally-the-best Follow

Okay update. @\am-i-the-asshole-official blocked me because they think my asks are """bait""" because they're fucking cowards. Fucking hate this web-site sometimes. Anyway update, if you wanna catch up you can check my #adventurer bullshit tag because I am NOT repeating alllll that lmao.

So latest update: they stole a copy of their fucking contract? Somehow? Which I mean I GUESS is fine but did they break into my fucking house?? Livid. Beyond livid. I don't know what they're planning on doing with this information either and I need to figure out. Whaaaaat it is they want. I have been so fucking reasonable with these two i swear to the fucking stars. Anyway. I found this out while TRYING TO GIVE THEM ANOTHER JOB!!! Can you believe this shit. Okay so in some fairness I haven't actually offered the job to them yet because I need to figure out the appropriate rates. But this seems extraordinarily reasonable of me and I just. I am so fed up with this cat. This has been such a long journey and I am tired and I don't know if I can do this anymore.

Anyway. I guess I'll put the poll here since I can't use the correct blog for that anymore. By the fucking night.

🪦 licherally-the-best Follow

Since people keep asking. I want them to participate in an experiment. I can't disclose too many details but they'll be well-compensated and I have the appropriate consent forms and everything.

🪦 licherally-the-best Follow

FINE. I'm testing whether their connections to the god of death (🤢) prevent them from turning. They'll probably be fine so I don't see what the deal is. Be better for them if it did work anyway.

🐾 and-i-dance-dance-dance

I am in your walls.

🪦 licherally-the-best Follow

If I didn't need your stupid scythe for web access I would block you. I am going to fucking kill you. I'm going to rip out your teeth and pummel you with a sock full of your own fucking teeth you obnoxious fucking cat

🪦 licherally-the-best Follow

Mmm shouldn't've put that one in this thread. Deleting that.

🦕 the-grin

Quick, everyone reblog this version.

#employer bullshit

12k notes

🧪 iyooooooooo Follow

Moodboard for @/licherally-the-best when he finds out what happened to his secret crush and that he wasn't even involved

🍎 oooooooooyi Follow

...his what

🪦 licherally-the-best Follow

iyo what the FUCK does this mean

🪦 licherally-the-best Follow

OH NIGHTS FUCKING DAMN IT

🪦 licherally-the-best Follow

I AM GOING TO FEED YOU YOUR OWN FUCKING HANDS FOR THIS IYO

🧪 iyooooooooo Follow

Oops! 😘

🐾 and-i-dance-dance-dance

I'm sorry I'm your WHAT

#also that's not me. i'm a reincarnation #she is a different person from me. #i haven't had time to update the blog layout and all that but #i see you two's tags and you need to understand i am not roku #ik it was lighthearted but no one seems to get that i am literally not her #this is an important part of my culture pls respect that #meowing #speaking of i need to come up with a new talking tag

27 notes

🐑 shepherd-puzuzu

we did it! i am a genius! i am the best! i am... FUCKING TIRED!

Спокойной ночи!

#i cannot believe this! praise anaeron! #i wish I could share but what we have done is not #how you say #ehhhh legal.

2 notes

🐾 and-i-dance-dance-dance reblogged not-the-ego

🍎 oooooooooyi Follow

Can we please normalize wanting to be alive? I don't understand how this is such a foreign concept, i know this is the necril-speaking corner of faeblr and there's probably some bias introduced that way but not all of us wanted to be undead and I'm kind of tired of the void normativity on this 'site. I deal with a lot of shit IRU/L and so does my qpp, who's still alive and has it even worse. just... idk think about living people when you make your posts. We're more than just a food and labor source and it is SO fucking clear that some of you feel otherwise. I have tagged so many posts about this and they all get ignored and I'm just. Tired.

🍳 mad-skilletz

🦕 the-grin

AWNN?

🧟‍♀️ thraxi Follow

I'm sorry, do you mean the god of death defiance? The god of perpetual consumption? That Awnn? Is on faeblr? Is that what you're trying to tell me?

🔫 windowdestroyer69 Follow

Lots of us gods are on faeblr lol.

🐀 despite-all-my-rage Follow

Is that Shraz. Is the god of crafting's url actually "windowdestroyer69". I love this webbedsite.

☠️ xtheladyx Follow

None of you people in the notes are fae, how did you all get here.

🔫 windowdestroyer69 Follow

Well IDK about everyone else, but I came in through the window... LOL

🐴 eternalking Follow

Hey isn't OP the lawyer for that one guy who killed his boyfriend to make him into a soulshell

🐈‍⬛️ cait-has-wares Follow

I'm sorry, your bio says you're a horse? Not a horse spirit, just a regular horse? How are you using the web. I am so confused by everything happening on this post.

🐍 deadeyessss

Does anyone in this thread smoke weed

🍎 oooooooooyi Follow

EVERYONE STOP DERAILING MY SERIOUS POSTS!!

[mbat]

dude its twice now that ive tried to play origins multiplayer minecraft servers that happen to be mandatory roleplay for some reason and its just wild that they like, want you to come up with a whole entire person before even playing, especially with worlds that feel... bare bones as fuck, from the information they give

like they give an origin story of the world and maybe like one or two sentences on the races or cultures, and then theyre like 'okay now give your character an entire in depth personality, backstory, family history, job, life goal, childhood dream, credit card number-'

like... with what info ?? with what basis??

the second one ive joined isnt as strict as the first one, seeing as i joined the minecraft server before i even realized there was character applications, and no one really paid me any mind at all or acknowledged me

but there was one i joined like 2 years ago that you had to get your application approved before gaining access to the server, and they direct you to their wiki for reading up on the world and stuff... but again, bare bones as fuck. and i exaggerated before slightly, but fully seriously they asked me 'oh, and where did your characters origin come from? their grandparents getting infected? how did they become this way' and its like. DUDE I DONT KNOW, WHO CARES. WHO WILL ASK ME THAT IN THE ROLEPLAY??? like where am i supposed to even get any of this shit from, the two paragraphs you typed about the world origin story??

i didnt finish the application because that was stupid and it wasnt worth it imo. shame, cause the custom origins were cool, but theres always other origins mods and servers

like... i guess other people work different from me, cause clearly these servers have people in them that somehow came up with functioning characters, but that aint me. if i make a character in a game, their personality and story comes to me while im playing, through their experiences and appearance and the choices im given in the world.

and also literally no one is ever going to fucking ask 'lol so how did your bloodline get mutated?'