#I AM FINE do not contact me
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nothing like thinking, okay maybe this guy that played ai di has other roles, like sure it won't be the same character, but like maybe it will be something, i can watch other dramas, there are people xuan lu i do it for- nope he literally has one more drama (and it's probably not what i need)
#no i haven't finished kiseki just yet#yes i'm already thinking of my options for when i'm done#listen i'm going insane okay#and i KNEW that would happen when i saw the first ever gifset with him#this is just another character that was created in a lab specifically for me#you can't do this to me#and to have him as a side character in a story that is literally more boring than one red hat of his..#and there is a side story episode and who is it about?#a guy who dies after having two scenes#and yes i already WATCHED IT just to see one and a half scene with ai di that it has#I AM FINE do not contact me#watching things and stuff#like a normal person#who is normal about this guy#ai di brainrot tag
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Important Updates: Officially as of 4/10/2024 I am currently not online; Tumblr, Discord or Instagram. As previously shared, I started a new medication last month and my body has had a horrible reaction to it. The doctors are unsure when the symptoms will go away. Tentatively I will be back once my brain has returned.
#this is at the bottom of my navi/pinned post#but just in case no body reads that (because most don't)#if you desperately need to reach out to me#b has direct contact with me#but please do not harass them#i am fine#its not that dramatic#just a psa#mars transmits
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Day 2 - Transition.
A conversation with your future self.
colourless ver. under rm !!
#Trans Jayce Week 2023#jayce giopara#jayce league of legends#league of legends#arcane league of legends#league of legends fanart#transtism real#i have a class early tomorrow soooo i finished this at a . more REASONABLE time today#tonight? idk. whatever. slay#transition#jayce talis#thats who this ! is supposed to be specifically but itse fine it works either way itll do teehee#meowing loudly . the colours on this gave me sooo much trouble#fun pose!!!!!!!!!!!!! colouring makes me murderous#man of progress my ass. man of horrible colur harmonies and unessesary additions to the pallette (looking at you yellow sock)#BUT !! all in all i Guess i like this piece :] itse a more ambitious pose than id usually try and!! other than the legs floating a bit it#has pretty !! decent contact points ect i think so :)#figure studies my belobved youve made me a much better man#i am this close to putting vik + jayce into some sort of artist au thing because autism begs me to mix special interests#viktors the type of freak to learn about sine waves and proper physics terms to properly animate a dress in the wind or something#them working in a studio together? i am crazy. i am insane. autism is overtaking me. im half human and half foxy /ref#shoutout to me for talking so much in thesetags also. stay winning jase nation. if you read to the end of these you get a prize
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hey guys who was gonna tell me that bocchi the rock contained the single most autistic scene in anime history
#(and im saying this as a mob psycho 100 fan. btw)#i just binged the first 8 episodes and. wow#like admittedly i had seen a clip of her opening riff from that performance but the whole thing. holy shit#im at a loss for words#bocchi the rock!#btr#though i am a little.... unsure how to feel..... because. the scene calls deliberate attention to how she isnt looking at the crowd#and eye contact was a big thing she was 'working on' so i dont want it to be framed as 'wow she's so good if only she would look up'#but i havent watched past episode 8 so for now i live in a beautiful world where she was able to perform that way BECAUSE she didnt look up#and thats okay! shes allowed to not make eye contact even though its unconventional. its not a flaw - its what makes her unique#cause so much of this show is bocchi forcing herself to try to be more social or do things the 'right' way and im like nooooo.......#youre allowed to be a weird little introvert who cant make eye contact..... please stop trying so hard to be something else......#and like. 'its okay to be weird' is very straightforwardly the message of the show#im just worried it will pull its punches with the more socially unacceptable stuff yknow?#like it would still be fine. obviously people can get over a fear of eye contact. but it would make me a little sad.....#lol 'im at a loss for words'. says the guy who has never stopped yapping since he said his very first word#anyway. watch bocchi the rock 👍
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anybody else have a food they're allergic to but still eat anyway
#not DEATH deathly but like. allergic#im allergic to shrimp and guac but i still eat it ..#my throat will get itchy and swell and breathing feels more closed#wherever the food touches also swells in bumps but usually only wherever the food makes contact#but yall. it's so good#the food not the swelling lol i have to sip on water while i eat to help gauge the significance of the throat swelling#i can usually eat up to 2 or 3 big shrimps until i hit my ok.. one more and this will hurt me lots#ill probably still be able to breathe but like it'll be an even bigger struggle than it is now#i think im also allergic to this common italian herb thingy anise? but thats fine bcs i dont like it anyways#but grilled SEASONED shrimp is my weakness. i LOVE SHRIMP!!! add some buffalo sauce and my my my..#idk tho my friends hate when i eat shrimp and will moderate my moderation#'ted ure a medical man. u should be against this' i hungry#idk maybe i dhould cold cut endulging in my allergies now b4 it becomes a lifestyle#i remember when i was younger my boss order me chinese food for doing a Lot of open2closes#and i ordered shrimp and lo mein(iLOVEEEE LO MEINN!!! when i was lil i would get PLATEFULS of JUST lo mein)#(id remove the veggies bcs they got in the way of my noodles)#(but now im older and the texture is too much sameness so i get even amount of lo mein and some sorta meat for Balance)#and i ate like a bit then put the rest in the cooler and he was like 'ure not hungry?' and i told him im allergic#and his eyes got real big and he was shouted my full name like a worried parent#i mean i explained my eat 2 then wait for the swelling to die down and eat 2 more till the inability to breathe gets annoying#but he was still anxious and watching me like a hawk#so#maybe.. i shouldnt do this anymore#does anyone else do this if they have the ability to?#perhaps i am dancing with the devil here#the devil wears privilege
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I have covid :(
#first time. :( I really thought I could avoid it. :(#we made it to bloody ARIZONA and BACK without getting it!!!! :(#We made it through FOUR YEARS of it being a pandemic without getting it!#At least I'm a few years late to the party and a handful of vaccinations in. Do NOT want to know how bad this would hit me#without those vaccinations#Like I'm pretty much fine just a little feverish and weak#Also: It wasn't ME who brought it home (second worst nightmare) and I wasn't in contact with it while doing stuff at the#nursing home (Absolute WORST case scenario nightmare tbh)#so. Those are both pluses.#Yes I AM and WAS very privileged to be able to go live out in the country with my parents during shutdowns and I am SO grateful#I wish we hadn't decided to leave my fellow disableds behind in the dust with covid#(& I'm not innocent etiher because *I've* gotten lax with masking too except for when going to visit elderly relatives)#kat gets personal#me#if anyone needs me tubi has yee olde Magic School Bus so. That's what I'm doing
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Don't overestimate me. I am one mental breakdown from shaving my hair at all times.
But don't underestimate me either. I have rbf, an inclination to stare directly into your eyes for entirely too long bc I don't know where else to look when I talk to people and no filter.
...In fact maybe it's best that you don't perceive me at all.
#theo talks#funny#shitpost#don't perceive me#I'm fine i have therapy on Monday#the eye contact thing might be an autism thing if I recall correctly?#like I am the opposite of eye contact avoidant#and not bc I like it#it's just what I'm used to forcing myself to do#also society makes me feel weird for looking everywhere but at a person's face#and i don't want to be perceived as being judgy of a person's facial features#so i just stare holes into their eyes
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me: no, i never looked in the mirror to practice facial expressions. i don't need to. i emote fine!
the psychologist who did my autism assessment: they do not show emotions on their face, actually, aside from happiness.
#reason 2 is that the image of my own face is too weird to look at so i often avoid my own reflection ✨#turns out i'm an eye contact is bad kind of person#(i don't think avoiding looking at my blorbos faces is something people usually do....)#but yeah! that was a fun thing to learn#me for my entire life: i am getting a good grade in emotions :)#literally everyone: are you okay#me: yeah i'm fine? why do you ask?#them: well-#actually autistic
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played swtor one time with a stranger who invited me to a group (after accidentally stealing their dataport they had to destroy and giving them the next one): this is my meet-cute
#swtor#i have NEVER played a video game with a stranger before. it scares me. i don't understand how that social interaction works#but i felt so bad and awkward and like i couldn't say no#but it turned out fine!! we jumped at each other and did a few quests#and then i said i had to get off cause it was late and thanks for playing with me#idk if they saw it cause they didn't say anything back but hopefully they didn't think i just abandoned them like a dick#but now i'm like what if i met someone on swtor and we started playing together and never really talked much#but we played together for months and then we started messaging a little bit while playing like good job! and let's do this quest!#and do you want to do this heroic? and stuff like that and it morphed into a little more talking and eventually exchanging contact info#and then we fell in love? and we played video games together and did star wars cosplay together and idk what they would do for a job#(but i'm sure it would be neat and cool!!) and we could support each others dreams and shit and we could meet irl and kiss#and we could have a star wars rp and watch shows together and lots of other stuff#(ignore most of that is about star wars. i am obsessed currently i can't help it)#it would be cute and fun and i would like it and people would be like how did you meet?? and i could say star wars mmo lol
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thinking too hard abt how this rise of "mental health" discussion still only seems to focus on the Cute and Quirky symptoms and still demonizes other mental health (personality) disorders
like my carefully curated tumblr space is fine, but everytime i get sucked into insta reels i inevitably see tens of different reels of the same 3 symptoms of autism/adhd
like im glad theyre getting this positive moment but it just kind of fucking sucks to listen to people talk about how they ToTaLlY have a "touch of the 'tism" and ur friends are sending u "relatable adhd memes" so u think u have a little more support and understanding but then u mention how ur struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts and violent/disturbing intrusive thoughts and suddenly everyone's like
😳
whats the matter babe, my mental health problems not palatable enough for you? :/
#told a coworker that some ppl have intrusive thoughts like assaulting ppl#and his face was just like the emoji#'ur not a terrible person'#would u still feel like reassuring me if u knew abt the thoughts i was beating back with a stick?#like i could absolutely use a therapist#not for a diagnosis mind u just for. fucking. counselling.#bc obvs i cant be chronically relying on my friends to emotionally support me#they have their own stuff and emotional labour is a lot and i know that but still#sometimes i just feel like. fuck. like just.#could u just listen to me for five fucking minutes#and reassure me that im not a terrible person#and that everything will be alright#because i can tell myself and do self affirmations but fuck#sure would be nice if i felt like someone other than me believed that too#like i think i could rely on my roomie but she doesnt do physical contact lmao#and i could prob talk to my sis or mum but i would Rather Not plus they would probably cry#and i want someone who's gonna be calm about it hahaaa#dont ask if im back on my meds yet <3#as unhealthy as my childhood friendships were they were also the most honest#we were Very Open abt how fucked up we were#unfortunately we just like fed into each other#but now trying to be honest just feels like a Fucking Joke#and not even in a 'trying to downplay so i dont cry' way#more like 'im not taking this conversation seriously Unless ur crying'#gods i feel like a fucking teenager trying to get ppl to take my emotions seriously again what the fuck#like sorry for being an emotionally unstable 30yo i guess?? are u really gonna try to shut me down abt it??#like who are u my father lmfao fuck OFF#like im fine with the person that i am!!! why isnt anyone else?? im not a child!!!
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🥴
#arrived at my mums place and had a big drama literally within the hour#turns out the whole family have been in contact with covid and decided it wasnt important to tell me until I arrived#it took me 8 hours to travel here and I am so exhausted from A Big Month and theyre all just like#yes it is fine that our immunocompromised family member is coming they dont need to know#even though getting covid made them even more disabled and it could do again!#unfortunately it seems my family are part of the Covid Doesn't Matter Anymore bandwagon#I miss devon. I'm so tired.#I don't want to get sick :(
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.
#my ex and i broke up 4 1/2 months ago#we tried to stay friends#he even started working at the same company as ne#just a different store#on the 4th we went no contact#i'm having a hard time dealing with it rn#we still care for each other but he is too unstable at the moment#he has been lying to me a lot#just so he could avoid trouble#he is in a rapid cycle rn and has almost no control over the stuff he is doing#he told me that he is not recognizing himself rn#as angry and hurt as i am/was#i'm very lonely lately#it makes me angry#i've been fine for 4 months now#now i'm becoming lonely#i'm sick and I just miss the cuddles and comfort of another person#i feel so stupid#just needed to get this out
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someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck
#who is talking about this!!!! let me know#idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which#i was anticipating#and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before#but liiiiiike.#i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them#it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there#just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse#like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no#anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite#and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up#people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point#or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible#but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding#at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends#which i am so grateful for obviously#i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol#AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad#just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t#i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it#i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this#which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao#probably for the best#ugh whatever#again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know#meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone#AAAAAAAA i just want to scream#text
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bro wtf is with this guy i swear when will he get the hint that i no longer am and do not want to be friends with his transphobic-in-the-weirdest-way ahh
#he makes me so uncomfortable???#like i ghosted him for 2 months and then when i had my competition he messages me telling me that he went on the site to look at my results?#???? and proceeded to give me unsolicited consolation#um firstly wtf are you even looking at my results for thats weird af and secondly i wasn't even upset + i don't want your pity + wtf???#and i replied really dryly but then he started talking about some project he was working on as if i didn't literally greytick him for 2 mths#and now he just sent me a message again omg stop please. i get the ick thinking about him#okay and there was that time i was in a really depressive episode last year and i wasn't talking to him and on his discord bio it said like#you know ur the worst when a suicidal person wont talk to u or sum shit like that#like what the hell? am i just overreacting or is that the weirdest shit you could say#like are you trying to get me to feel even worse cuz that doesn't exactly make me want to reach out#like omfg how do you even make something like this about you. literally how#also he kept fetishising trans people in his fanart???? like what the hell it was so disturbing#anyway now that I think about it i was friends with him for about 6 months and it's also been 6 months since then and i am completely fine#ugh anyway#we were kinda close so i got him to make a tumblr#to my moot who might follow him his name starts with r lol#and i swear he was vagueposting about me last month#and like. it's kinda creepy.#dude i am literally the plainest person around please why are you so obsessed with me i bet you can't name anything about me you liked that#doesn't include how i gave you the attention you wanted#anyway i don't know how he hasn't gotten the hint when bro he knows i literally avoid all eye contact and pairwork and messages from him#like do you need me to tell it to your face or what#rant#sorry i feel so mean writing this help
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OKAY i'm gonna be so brave and contact the dr tomorrow afternoon if i still haven't heard from them. the horrors. please lend me your strength :P
#i am feeling. so unwell.#guess i should have stayed in bed after all but like. i've been sick for years and even worse for months so like. what am i meant to do.#ANYWAY it's fine i can chill now. maybe they'll contact me in the morning. and if not then i have a plan. it's fine it will all be fine.#it's not an emergency it's chill and normal.
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...
#chronic blogging#shit chat#well at this point both of my parents (who i inherited my Just Tough It Out streak from) have#upon hearing how bad my post-hysterectomy pain has been#told me 'umm no you need to go see someone.' and 'please just go to urgent care i will pay for it if your insurance won't.' respectively#haunted by the ghost of my right ovary (sharp stabbing pains & debilitating muscle spasms around the incision site)#it's been 1.5 years since surgery and it's getting worse not better#at my 1mo post op i was like 'hey right side hurts a lot worse & the incision seems really wonky & off-center. thoughts?'#they said it was nothing to worry about give it time i might still be feeling pain up to 6mo post op#sooo 8mo post op contact surgeon again 'hey remember that thing i mentioned? yeah still hurts bad enough i struggle to walk sometimes'#she says eeehhh maybe you developed pelvic floor dysfunction or always had it and surgery made it worse. read this book & do some stretches#book stretches & muscle relaxers helped for a bit so i just carried on but it was not improving in fact becoming more persistent#lil over a year post op contact surgeon like 'HEY do not ignore me i am in an amount of pain that is NOT NORMAL and you WILL see me'#drive 1+ hrs for her to poke at me for ~10 minutes ignore most of what i was saying and determine it's just muscle spasms do more stretches#said physical therapy MIGHT help if i did it 2x monthly for at least 6mo. which would've involved commuting over an hour during the workweek#no THANK you i'll just keep doing my stupid stretches. and the thing is.#the stretches ARE helping. i feel my overall balance/flexibility/stamina improving#but that by contrast is making the STABBING PAINS WHERE MY RIGHT OVARY USED TO BE all the more obvious#'oh it's just muscle spasms' well why the FUCK are my muscles spasming around THIS SPOT EXCLUSIVELY for SEVENTEEN MONTHS STRAIGHT#i have essentially no pain on my left side at all. i feel overall just fine & dandy but i am convinced there is something#like. very seriously wrong on the right side causing this#and yeah if my surgeon won't listen to me maybe i will check myself into urgent care and demand an ultrasound#(which btw i asked for during my last visit & she told me it was unnecessary & to fuck off)#but now the two people who instilled me with a very deep mistrust for the medical industry#and from who i learned from via a lifetime of observation how to dissociate from chronic pain in order to function#are telling me 'yeah no this is bad you need a DOCTOR.' umm. i probably need a doctor.#was talking w/ E last night about degrees of pain & like. avg day is like 4-6 on a 0-10 scale. good days 2-3.#i don't consider calling out from work unless it's like an 8 or higher cause i'm just so used to it.#i'm sick of it. so fucking bored with being in constant pain. i want my life & energy back. i want a personality beyond Oh Just Tired back.#i wanna be able to enjoy touch again with immediately hitting overstimulation threshold due to pain.
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