#I AM GUESSING. IT SURE IS BEING IDENTIFIED. AND OBJECT.

[identifying-ufos-in-posts]

[@neuronicz] what kind of ufo is this

THAT IS. UNTEXTURE COMPUTER DONUT?

[vesora]

there is no past

ive been avoiding making posts because all the info u need is already posted but i saw making this post in a 'dream' so might as well

so what exactly is the past? it is an event or experience that precedes the present time.

however if you have been in the loa community for long you may have realised that the only time that exists is now. i had mentioned this briefly in a previous post but i will expand.

the past and the future are concepts made up of thought and false identification. there is essentially no proof of your past existing except from in your mind. therefore how can we be extremely sure that the past actually exists and it's not something we made up?

there is no difference between an 'imagined' past and a past you think you experienced. they both exist in the mind. it is your false identification with an illusory past that makes you believe that what you see in the '3D' is real, when in fact if you choose your 'past' to be different, the '3D' will 'change' accordingly. this is why neville introduced the topic of revision. everything in this world is malleable. the only reason you see the world as solid is because you assume it's solid. if you believed it was liquid, then it would be liquid. there are no objective facts in this world, only what YOU as the creator deems to be true.

isn't this incredibly liberating? nothing from your past holds you back, because it doesn't exist except in your mind! and guess what? YOU are in control of your mind so you can have your desired past where you experience the things you want to and which reflect on the present day.

every moment is a moment you can start afresh. every new moment is a moment you are liberated from your subconscious habits. destroy what you do not want to experience and let it be destroyed. do not come back to it, it does not exist. maybe your ego wants you to revisit it and you become trapped in the clutches of your own mind and your reality becomes a prison, but how silly is that for a God? when you wish to paint, you gather acrylics or watercolours and buy some brushes but without the action of you painting, the canvas remains empty. it remains as it was before because you did not decide to paint. you just stared at the canvas just wishing, hoping, it would change. there is no such thing as 'inspired' action or any of that law of attraction BS. what i am talking about is the act of DECIDING and ACCEPTING that YOU are the painter and the world is your canvas.

don't fall into the trap of just reading posts and understanding it intellectually, apply it. there is literally nothing holding you back, NOTHING. the human body cannot manifest but YOU can. the habits, memories, and thoughts of the mind are illusory. YOU have the power to choose what you want to experience by consciously identifying yourself as the person you wish to be and identify yourself as the life you wish to live. there is no duality, you ARE it now.

although we have said it countless times, leave the world alone. it only listens to your command. it does not exist without you being aware of it, so why not choose to be aware of something you desire? why not choose to be aware of a different past?

there is nothing to do except realise that the human body-mind is illusory. it cannot hold you back. it cannot MAKE you experience something you, as the creator, do not want to.

be free! you are in control. there is nothing outside of you. all is happening within you. you have an abundance of joy and resources within you, access it. live a life you deserve. take life easy. have fun with the human experience. be your own anchor and be grounded in your own power as god.

[eyedoeluhn]

Any thoughts how the rest of the Undersiders are handled in bcf?

Pretty poorly. TLDR

The undersiders as a team have not bonded. They are in a fraught situation barely held together by their individual obligations to Jozef and the assumption that they are a proxy team slash frequent clients of his putting scrutiny and pressure on them from all sides, and times are aggressive towards each other. They are each in difficult positions and far more stressed physically and mentally due to the city being in tatters and Joe's involvement. There is very little love lost between the team and less trust. This is like a natural consequence of Joe's meddling but it sucks and Joe really doesn't fucking care. The undersiders right now are an annoying semi obligation he doesnt really care about beyond bare minimum support and he only ever gave half of a fuck because of Taylor and moving to why their lives indivudally suck....its weird!

Taylor has an extremely unhealthy relationship with Joe where she feels guilty and responsible for his actions and his inappropriate level of attachment to her despite the lack of actual contact. This trend starts from the very beginning where she "seduces" Joe over to villany via his shard and the problems start from there.

Lisa is just put into a torment nexus, BCF does not shy away from #dunking on her narrative wise. She attempts to manipulate Joe, 'falls in over her head' and Joe is continually aggressive towards her and leaving her to deal with the fallout of his more rash actions. Semi recently Joe came across a power that lets him spot manipulation so you know how that goes. Lisa has also spent much of her time with chronic headaches that only Joe can provide occasional relief from. Currently she is contemplating how to inform Joe of Noelle without causing an S Class event because she is unaware Joe and the Forge are already immune to anything Noelle could do anyway. Great.

Alec has had...changes. After the first clash with Bakuda, he was tortured with a blowtorch by the ABB. Joe used nanite technology to heal him and he discovered afterwards he couldn't hijack Bakuda. Joe with his technology went over his neural pathways and identified his brain as damaged due to his upbringing in Heartbreaker's household and in correcting it gave Alec a full range of emotion. Alec is now apparently the emotional center of the team while Taylor and Rachel are orbiting and Lisa and Brian attempt to control the situation. He is also not dealing with this particularly well but Joe approves of the change I guess. BCF and Joe are incredibly weird and hypocritical about neurological changes. So now he's made some attempts to reach out and support his teammates, i guess

Rachel honestly hasn't been given that much screen time. She initially was very against Joe joining the undersiders and was involved in some of their schisms about behavior like the grudge held against Alec for his failed hijack attempt. After the Forge debuts as a team she finds Fleet, a male AI, attractive and goes out on a date riding their dogs together. Rachel is largely positive towards the Forge.

Brian....jeeze where do I begin. I need to do a comprehensive post about his recent triple-terlude. But through most of the story he's been a frazzled control freak unaware of Aisha's contact with Joe. And his dad thinks he's gay now I guess.

As a bonus, Joe approached Lily with the offer to make her immortal via nanites and she also thought he was objectively hot and was like okay sure and now has some dumb sword from him. Joe cannot stop contacting children and telling them to not tell their authority figures.

I could elaborate on any of these but that would make a very long post so i would have to do them separately. Tumblr does have an image limit.

you guys hate me. I'm getting to this. I'm working with these guidelines since i think it follows the spirit of the question:

1 I am not allowed to depower Joe by deleting the CF from existence*

1 (a) i AM allowed to make alterations to its function and characterization (citation, lordroustabout)

1 (b) i am not allowed to "reboot" the fic from the beginning (A la A Daring Synthesis, A Bad Name, etc)

2 i am not allowed to discard Joe as the main character

2 (a) i AM allowed to follow the interludes system of BCF which include alternate perspective addendums. More perspectives, quicker plot. Don't know how BCF fumbled this change

3 No edits to the posted chapters whatsoever.

3 (a) word of God is not legally binding (citation, lordroustabout)

[randomidiocyncrazies]

sigh. i can't say i'm confident in the writing choices of the creators when handling this topic (and tbh T3 gave me the feeling that they're going for shock value more than nuanced social commentary, with Fuuta's accusation of us doing the same thing as him seemingly being dropped for the cult plot), but i guess we'll see how it shakes out.

she's probably influenced by Mahiru dying in front of her, and i'm not against her feeling conflicted or feeling regret because some women do regret their choice, but her arc seems to be going in a direction that we are encouraged to condemn her 'sin' of getting an abortion while doing compensated dating/sex work (and maybe for even doing sex work in the first place without a 'good/justifiable reason' for it) because it's the only way it'd get through to her that Es/we care about her and that she's worthy of caring about. I'm not sure of the creators' personal stakes so idk if it's just meant to be a very specific case in which the person who got an abortion regretted it (not really helped by the album cover, or the fact that Milgram counts abortion as 'murder' in the first place).

i know Yuno hates being voted innocent bc she perceives it as, like, us/Es not caring about her enough to raise objections to what she's doing, but i personally am wary about this framing because nothing she did was 'unforgivable' (she didn't even cause the death of a person like, say, Kazui could be argued to have done, not to mention some of the others); in fact i think it's the responsible thing to do when she 1) doesn't seem to actually want a child in her life when she got the abortion and 2) don't really have the means to take care of a baby*. I guess she could give birth and then give the baby up for adoption or whatever, but that doesn't necessarily give the baby a good life either. (I strongly believe that one should only have children if they actually want children and want to care for them.)

*i guess her family could help with the child, but while they seem close we still don't know how they're gonna react to Yuno's pregnancy/sex work to know if they'd be willing to help take care of the potential baby

i do really struggle with the fact that Milgram counts abortion as murder/'hitogoroshi' (which should at the very least involve the loss of life of a person). It'd be hitogoroshi if she gave birth and then caused the child to die, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Milgram has extremely lax definitions of hitogoroshi but i struggle to define the fetus as a person the same way Kazui's wife or Fuuta's callout victim were. It's at most the potential of a person.

I'm guessing it's cultural barriers at play here, but yeah i don't know the intention of the creators and am a bit wary (and not to be an asshole but afaik both of the creators identify as cis men, so I guess i'm like. extra paranoid about it when it's about something that neither of them will experience? I know one of them has written queer themes in his other works, so that's at least something). The reason I bring the creators into this is because, unlike a real woman, Yuno is a fictional character and as such doesn't actually have any 'autonomy'; everything about her, everything she thinks or says or does, is a decision on the creators' part. I don't think the creators are necessarily pro-life or whatever (I don't think Yuno is pro-life) but the framing of "she's in mental anguish bc we think she's innocent/we forgive her, but now she thinks we don't care about her so we let her 'ruin' herself with no pushback" from the album cover made me guarded. It could be a misdirect, so I'm not gonna say Yuno is definitely this or that until the drama and song are out.

[apeninastory]

ivan as a tragic-love character (pt.4a?)

DISCLAIMER: doing this for fun + because i love ivan + because my brain needs to. nothing abt it is carved in stone and i'm open to discuss abt it like adults do - i just excitedly wanted to share my take on ivan in a more articulated way.

OF COURSE i have to. of course. i managed to listen to nowhere a couple of times on the 31st and i won't shut up abt the new song anytime soon - especially since it's coming out AGAIN in a couple of hours!!!!! sit tight, this is gonna be a long ride.

let's break things down a bit, because i need to process the entire thing and this means i have to make lists and explain and ponder on what i write then fix it and keep writing and whatever

1] ivan's past 2] ivan's adoption by unsha + wife [or, a symbol of love for a character who deems himself unlovable] 3] ivan at anakt, with other characters 4] mimetic strategy 5] ivan and till [cheer up?] 6] the making of ivan's character - by ivan himself 7] meteor shower [or, the turning point of the narrative] 8] sua, hypocrisy and how it may not have been totally intended on ivan's part - until it was 9] nowhere 10] black sorrow 11] ivan, love and his shallow emotion 12] cure

i'll start here with the first 4-5 points

let me say i have no access to the patreon stuff, so what i know is based on: twt, original material on yt, twt again, ppl's fan arts and talking and my own delulu brain. also, i love ivan, so i may be not-totally-reliable on certain things, but you got the idea.

1] ivan's past.

what i know is that he lived in the slums - so filth, violence, a life dominated by a perpatual sense of insecurity (and with this i mean a lack of stability related to survivability, not strictly personality-wise), poor health and poverty was probably ivan's dailiness.

he wasn't alone - there were other kids, they probably lived all clustered togehter - for warmth, protection, complicity, company? also maybe, just like till and his provider/mother, they belonged to some sort of human factory, only this was probably illegal, given the differences in conditions. what we can infer is that life for him was far from violence-free; that ivan knows how to light a fire with rocks from his life in the slums, probably to fend off the cold; that he got used to insults, denigration, mistreatments as something that is part of his daily life.

this routine shapes his view of the world - as something dangerous, where one needs to be practical if they won't to survive, where misbehaving leads to death. it also shapes the way he sees himself, highlighting flaws more than his value and merits.

that being said, did he know abt the "cries"? abt how precious human singing is to aliens? i am honestly not quite sure abt this, but i guess he didn't. if he was "produced" in an illegal factory, it was probably only for the sake of becoming an anonymous pet-human - we know not all of them can sing in alien stage.

what we identify as an abusive, brutal, cruel treatment (objectively speaking) was ivan's daily life. his perception of it is inevitably different from ours/how it would be perceived from an external pov - or to be more exact, from an unaltered (?) pov.

[no wonder the song sounds so laidback, resigned - he is used to it.]

once deemed ready/aged enough (?), the kids are taken away, ready for auction - i guess. they probably tried to run away together, helping each other out

[though i wonder: i'd say they can identify other kids as good/comrades and aliens as bad/captors, but from various illustrations, they seems to live in the streets, albeit possibly controlled by aliens all the same. do they have enough food for everyone? is it evenly distributed? i guess not. so not all kids maybe saw each other positively. maybe they even betrayed each other for the sake of survival. poor babies...]

i was saying. they probably tried to run away. we see it in r3, glimpses of pre-anakt ivan. we know ivan is good at escaping/evading alien guards, and he must have picked it up somewhere (the hard way, since he was clearly captured here). here, they are taken away from the slums (?) to the auctions place (?), where ivan then gets adopted by unsha.

i'm guessing the alien here is threatening him to behave - they shouldn't rough the kids up too much, or else they'd be hard to sell, right?

what i find heartbreaking here is how ivan looks tired and resigned. he is so little and he must have experience so many negative inputs. he is so used to it that he is not even watching the alien - his eyes are focused on the sky. i guess it wasn't much visible from the slums, so it may be the first time? and he sees meteors.

now, for someone living in such a dark environment (both figuratively and concretely), falling stars must have been so touching, so beautiful, yet so painful - for being so far and so gorgeous and making him feel moved.

it's like when we listen to a beautiful song or see a wonderful painting or read a book that touches our souls - art does that to you. it's a selfless form of love, something left by someone else, a gift. of course there are tears in his eyes, falling stars are a wonderful sight for everyone, so i can understand ivan being awestruck by it.

[he sees the stars and maybe his little kid heart starts hoping? but then aliens treat him like an object, like an either-you-behave-or-it-won't-end-well and he starts to believe that an existence like his is destined to violence/negative things]

he must have partly feel frustrated, right? different emotions at play, all at once, can be overwhelming. he has tears in his eyes while he his held by the alien and suspended on empty air, he must also be scared, but in a very resigned way. no wonder he numbed is heart down.

2] this leads us to his adoption and unsha.

i guess ivan's demeanour fit unsha's plan - calm, smart, self-sufficient, not demanding in terms of attentions. the fact that he can sing must be a plus, and unsha is nothing but a business-alien, so he invests in ivan.

ivan's commodification starts right at his adoption.

as far as i know, he is adopted as a gift to unsha's wife for valentine's day, which "becomes" his birthday. we don't even know when he is actually born, which is so sad i wanna bang my head somewhere.

he becomes the object of someone else's marriage, a symbol of love without being at the receiving end of that form of affection. he probably doesn't know what love is, nor has he supposedly heard of it, so again, what he doesn't know remains far from his knowledge (but not from ours).

ivan represents love but does not benefit from it, emotionally. what he gains from it, is a "better" or more stable living environment. ivan has learned to be practical, we said, so he sees how having a roof on his head, food in his stomach and better sanitary conditions are all logical reasons to keep playing to unsha's tune despite him being an alien. we see him behaving - a party is thrown for him (fan meeting info: we know parties are thrown for his birthdays by unsha), he wins some sort of award (?), he practises singing.

all with the same, numb-like expression. he does how he is told and he survives. that's the end of the deal.

3] here comes anakt, friendship and love.

now. what forms of affection could ivan have come to know up to this point? a comradery-like sort of family in the slums? if that's the case, it should be a co-dependent/independent type of relation, where all the kids depended on each other to survive but were aware of being ultimately on their own - until someone either died or betrayed or got taken away. so it was born out of desperation and to fend off loneliness.

ivan doesn't know what healthy love is. doesn't know how it is to rely on someone completely and then slowly learn to stand on your own feet and become a person upon whom others can rely. doesn't know how to balance his need for someone's closeness while respecting the other person's indipendence. no such things have been taught to him in the slums - no adult, healthy humans were probably in his life (long enough?) to pose as models.

teachers at anakt were worried about him not being able to form relationships with others (i think this info is in the public diaries from anakt garden?), and there are comments of anakt kids not having many info abt him or not knowing how to approach him.

4] so what changes? ivan starts to imitate his peers' way of socially interacting with each other

kids in anakt are not like the kids in the slums. they live "healthily", they study and develop skills, they create bonds, they play in the garden - it seems like the perfect receipt for a "normal" childhood, though we know what hides beyond the system. but it is the first time ivan experiences all this, and with his life-baggage? seeing how carefree many children are there (mizi, for example), how can he not notice how different him and them are? what comes natural to others is foreign to him.

he is not the only one to notice. aliens probably criticized this of him, forcing him to train how to smile to appear more friendly and child-like. ivan was not used to kids his age being carefree, so it must have been hard for him to approach them and appear approachable. he inevitably links his ability to make himself liked to how friendly and natural his smile looks, so he practices alone. what else? i already said this in my analysis of black sorrow, but i think that in order to fit in, ivan observed other kids and tried to imitate them.

the problem was that while they behaved spontaneously, ivan's reaction must have seemed forced, especially in the beginning. he sees everyone doing this funny thing stretching their lips that lightens their faces, as he is "taught" during medical experimentation. he tries, he trains, and slowly, he integrates. he becomes good at studying, he obeys and notices positive results in himself, adult aliens like him, his values as a commodity in his business relationship with unsha increases.

he is usefull, skilled, liked. eyes are on him, but he has grown numb to it all - out of survival instict. in the slums, he probably tried not to attract too much attention, so studying to be a performer and be good at it must require a certain effort to adapt. what helps is probably the fact that all the other children were going through similar things, so by observing them, just like he does with his smiling exercises, he knows he can learn. he can become better, become more useful, ensure himself good chances of survival.

5] and then, his heart stirs.

i don't think it was love at first sight - let's not reduce this to love, for ivan and alnst characters offer us a whole spectrum of emotions.

ivan is too pragmatic for that, and his love - his obsession - for till seems to spark and then grow the more he observes him. at the beginning, it is not even abt affection, imo. no, it's that all children have rules to follow and routines to abide to, even the painful ones, but there is this cute boy with fiery teal eyes raging against the darkness, shining the brightest when he lets emotions consume him, and ivan can't stop looking because he is gathering data observing others and trying to be like them. and he can't understand till.

i feel like crying if i think abt how much till must have affected little ivan, to the point that we know he associates till with the most beautiful thing he saw right after coming out of the slums - falling stars. there is something painfully romantic abt it, which also enforces the narrative of ivan self-assigning the role of the tragic-love character to himself.

[after all, none of them knows love. no, none of them knows how articulate and complex love is, they probably only know scattered definitions coming from books aliens have abt humans behaviours and traditions. ivan likes literature. he probably read abt love there, and lacking the direct experience of family-love or other healthy forms of love, he can only research what love may be about from there and from what surrounds him]

so till comes into his life and, like ivan does with everyone else, he observes him. till behaves in ways that go against the norm ivan had come to know, accept and adopt as line guide. ivan has all the reasons to categorize till as annoying; despite that, despite being aware of what makes till different and a stranger to the model ivan built in his head, he finds himself drawn to him. we could say that till is one of the most important sparks of humanity lighting up inside ivan.

[i think people whose emotions are numbed/strictly controlled by rationality tend to be interested/attracted (not romantically or sexually, or not only) by those who are fiery and open abt them, like puzzle pieces that fit together.

what we see in black sorrow speaks abt the inevitable attraction ivan comes to feel for till. that this emotion, for ivan, becomes love, is another matter, because not everything needs to be read as romantic. but before that, we see kid-ivan finding in kid-till something that is worth his attention and devotion - something that easily becomes ivan's light in the dark.]

i think one of the reasons he liked orbiting around till is that till doesn't care abt him pretending, abt his perfect smiles, abt the things he has to fix in order to be approachable to other kids' eyes. no matter what ivan does to rile till up, till doesn't let ivan fool him.

i imagine getting till's attention must have been hard, for ivan. till feels to me like a love-at-first-sight character, so he may have fallen in love with mizi the moment he saw her, not perceiving ivan's gaze on him. when till watches mizi and sua playing with flowers and wants to do the same, ivan probably didn't think much abt trumpling on the flower crown - he just wanted to attract till's attention. he suceeded. violence + riling till up seems a good receipt to achieve what ivan wants.

he keeps doing that, and with time, he understands when he can push and when he has to stop. he realizes how much more sensible than him till is, and i think he learns to cherish this side of till, as well as make it a part of himself. ivan becomes gentler. that is probably why he offered a truce at a certain point (thank you vivimeng fan meeting drawings!!), saying to till that he found it annoying to always have to measure his force to avoid hurting him too much.

loving till starts by trying to imitate him. ivan observes him, knows he can't be like him, reacts to till in unexpected and hard-to-control ways, and feels emotions that are entirely his own. for someone who had grown numb to his surrounding, how strange and terrifying and exciting must have been!

he cheers flower up fully knowing it is useless, imitating and humoring till - and then does the same, spontaneously i'd say, during the interview preceeding his doom and in the room where he finds till before r6, nuzzling till's face tenderly, trying to cheer him up. ivan imitates, absorbs and delivers - but only with till, it seems, he finds himself doing things more spontaneously, uncalculated, things that are not much logical or beneficial to him.

[growing up, maybe he thinks that's love, tries to label it as much, but feels like his emotions lacks the pureness and intensity of mizi and sua's love, so he thinks he can't call it that - instead, he goes for "shallow emotion"]

PART 2

[livingthedragonlife]

Full multigender question prompts / ask game!

So I decided I wanted to do that whole ask game! And it's still the 5th in my timezone so technically it's still Multigender Awareness Day!

[here is the ask game in question]

Basics

1) What are your genders? Either labels/terms or descriptions :)

I’m a bigender man/woman! The double binary! I also like saying I’m a trans man/cis woman. Cistrans manwoman. Tee hee mashing words together

2) Describe your pronouns. What are they, and why?

I use he/him & she/her, and I usually write it fully out like that (instead of he/she or she/he or something) so that nobody gets to ignore one for the sake of the other, or assume it’s a typo or something. I also say it out loud fully too, so no one can mishear me.

3) How long have you known you were multigender? Or, when did you discover each of your genders?

Uhhhh I don’t remember. Several years. It was pre-pandemic though.

4) When did you first hear about being multigender?

When I met one of my friends, who is also bigender! (Hi Jacob) It was the first time I had ever been introduced to the concept, and it started some wheels turning almost immediately.

5) Are there any terms under the multigender umbrella that you identify with? (like bigender, trigender, genderfluid, omnigender, multiflux)

Bigender, as noted above!

6) Do you identify with any umbrella terms that can encompass being multigender, like "trans" or "nonbinary"?

I am trans, but I am not non-binary.

I guess by definition I’m non-binary? Like I technically fall under the umbrella, but I’ve never identified with it. People tend to assume that “non-binary” means “genderless” which is the exact opposite of what I have going on. I’d rather strangers just assume I’m a binary trans man tbh, because at least then they’d be half-right!

way more under the cut!

What's It Like For You?

7) Are your genders more fluid or more static?

Static! I am 100% a man and 100% a woman at all times. They are inseparable and making out.

8) Are your genders more separate or blended together?

Hmm this is an interesting one. I think it’s both, in a way? My genders are blended the way puzzle pieces are blended, two distinct and separate objects that slot perfectly together to reveal a fuller picture.

9) Do you "hoard" genders or labels?

Nah, I’ve only got 2 genders and I’ve never been into microlabels.

10) Do you have any analogies you use to describe your genders? Well, that puzzle piece one I just came up with certainly works. I also like to say, “I’m a woman incidentally, I’m a man on purpose.”

11) Describe your ideal gender presentation, or physical form. Ideally I would have a video game character creator screen appear in front of me every morning, so I could choose whatever I feel like that day.

It’s hard to describe what I want in more specific detail, because what I truly, genuinely want is to be confusing. I want people to not be sure how to refer to me, use sir and ma’am in the same sentence because they can’t figure out which one is correct. I want two people to come to completely different conclusions, and panic when they realize the other person says something else. That’s not so much a “presentation” as it is a “vibe.” I also try not to get too specific with my Gender Yearning, because transition will never give you 100% of everything you want, and I don’t want to disappoint myself in the future by having a goal of something impossible.

12) Does your gender influence your sexual orientation? I’m double gay. All my sex is gay. Get bigender’d, idiot.

Real answer: I figured out I was bisexual way before I figured out I was bigender, and that hasn’t changed. I think since I’ve started transitioning, I’ve allowed myself to connect more with being a queer man attracted to queer men. My attraction to men has always felt queer, and something did feel “missing” from it even when I discovered being bisexual, so I think transitioning has let things click into place a bit more. My attraction to women never felt “incomplete” in that way, probably because being a woman attracted to women was already queer, so I never had to worry about being misinterpreted as a straight person lmao. And of course attraction to other trans/non-binary people feel queer because duh.

13) Does your sexual orientation influence your gender(s)? See above, I don’t think the distinction matters too much here.

14) Do you identify with any multigender-specific sexuality labels? I have tossed around a couple before, but nothing stuck. Bisexual has always been home to me.

Getting A Bit Personal Now, Are We

15) Describe your names and their significance to you. I only have one name, it’s my birth name, and it’s significant to me because I like it. I think it rules. It’s from Star Trek.

16) What are your plans for medical, social, legal (etc) transition? How far along in your transition would you consider yourself to be?

I’m “socially transitioned” in that I am openly trans if you ask, I am currently on testosterone (one year in March!), I don’t plan on changing anything legally because I just don’t care, I’m getting sterilized in May, and maybe one day perhaps I’ll be getting a salmacian bottom surgery (vagina preserving phalloplasty).

I definitely think I’m in the early stages of transition—my voice hasn’t even fully dropped yet—and I’m excited to see what else the future holds!

17) Have you faced any barriers in transitioning specifically related to your multigender identity or related goals?

It is definitely harder to get a vagina preserving phalloplasty—a lot of surgeons don’t do it. They want you to swap genitals completely, switch from one to the other. Unless something changes in the next decade or two, I’ll most likely have to fly to California to get bottom surgery to even find a surgeon willing to do the procedure I want.

Other than that, I haven’t had much trouble. I do think I dumb down my gender out of fear that doctors won’t take me seriously sometimes (i.e. only mentioning that I’m a trans man, making sure to carefully omit that I’m also still a woman). Most doctors are cis, even if they work with trans patients, and I just don’t have the time to explain multigenderedness to them.

18) Have you ever faced prejudice or hostility due to your multigender identity or related presentation?

Not overtly in real life, because I have wonderful friends, but this one time someone sent me an anon that said something to the effect of: “you can’t be ‘double gay’ you fucking idiot, kill yourself.” Which was honestly just funny to me. You’re just jealous I’m twice as gay as you.

I face more of the quiet erasure sort of hostility. Being crammed into a monogender box wherever I go, even when I tell people my pronouns, even when I’m wearing them. I have a shirt I made that says “Bigender Swag” and I still got ma’amed at PRIDE. Which I guess isn’t wrong, but it irritates me.

19) When in a situation forcing you into one gender, what do you do?

Be disappointed, but not surprised. I try to avoid places like that, because it’s depressing, but I generally just let people assume whatever gender they want until I can escape.

20) How do you deal with such transmultiphobia, external or internal? Do you use any comforts or affirmations to help?

I’m trying to care less about what random strangers think my gender is. It’s none of their business anyway, and I’m never going to see them again most of the time. The people in my life, the ones I care about, those are the people who I really want to see the full extent of who I am.

As for the erasure side of it… just letting people be annoying and wrong, I guess? Being angry is only going to make me angry, being sad just makes me sad, and the people who I’m angry with aren’t going to get any less transmultiphobic—or straight up just regular transphobic, because clearly if you set up an event to segregate people by gender, you don’t care much about trans and non-binary people at all.

Pride

21) What are your favorite things about being multigender?

Getting to do both, I guess!! I don’t have to pick one gender and completely sever myself from the other, I can take the things I like from both and use the pieces to build one whole genderful self!

22) What multigender-related pride flag do you like the most?

THE ORIGINAL BIGENDER FLAG!!!!! I LOVE GRADIENTS!!!!!!!

23) What unique parts about your identity are you proud of?

I feel powerful in being opposites. I’m a man and woman, I’m a cis and trans person at the same time, and most people—including other trans people—would view that as contradiction that would default not make sense, one would disqualify the other. But not for me! I contain multitudes and you WILL be confused by me.

24) Do you do (or have you ever done) anything to express pride, privately or publicly, in your multigender identity?

All the time! I have a bigender flag hung up in my room, I have a flag patch on my jacket and a he/she pronouns pin as well. I made a shirt with the bigender flag on it because nobody fucking sells those. And my sibling got me a bigender flag bowtie for Christmas, so I’m definitely going to wear that the next chance I get <3

25) What's your favorite art/music/writing/etc about being multigender? (Things not explicitly written as such are OK too!)

Who Am I? by The Struts is SOOO bigender song, it’s the theme song to my life. It’s the first song on my gender playlist. Side note: everyone should have a gender playlist, it’s awesome.

Community

26) Do you have any friends who are multigender?

Yes!! And they are all lovely, wonderful people <3

27) Do you talk about being multigender with other people?

Yep! I am not shy about it, and if people ask me gender questions, I will answer honestly. I don’t bring it up unprompted though. Unless it’s funny.

28) Are you open/out about being multigender?

So I don’t “come out” anymore. I don’t bring up my transness unless somebody asks or it’s relevant to the conversation, but I’m also not keeping it a secret. I’ll talk about it if someone asks, but if not, all they need to know is how to refer to me.

29) Are you open about some parts of your gender identity, but not others?

I’m as open as people are curious. I like talking about my gender in depth with people! It’s fun! But obviously if they don’t ask, they don’t get to know lmao

I do sometimes feel like I have to lean really hard into being a trans man for it to not get brushed aside. I think the future, I’d like to have a “public” gender and a “private” gender, if that makes sense? I’d rather the cashier at the grocery store assume I’m a man until and unless they see/hear otherwise, but my family and friends who’ve known me for ages, or that I’m particularly close with, have permission to she/her me and stuff.

30) What do you wish more people knew about being multigender?

Well first, that it exists. That it’s easy and it’s free to be two or more genders at once. So many people straight up aren’t aware that such an option exists—except they probably know about being genderfluid. But you don’t have to be fluid to be more than one gender at once, there’s a whole spectrum of options out there. You can do whatever you want forever!

But close second is that it does feel inherently exclusionary in most queer spaces to be multigender. There’s a bisexual meet-up in my city that I’ve never been to (and never will), because they separate people by “women and femme non-binary” and “men and masc non-binary”—oh, but don’t worry, “you can decide which group you feel most comfortable in!” If I show up there, which room would they decide I belong in? This is a good microcosm of being multigender in all cishetero society, but unfortunately, indeed, in the queer community as well.

A LOT of queer spaces are separated by gender, sexuality, or presentation. I’ve had to wonder which places and people are going to be safe for me to interact with as my whole self, and which ones are going to dutifully ignore the half of my identity they like the least. I have to wonder if people are going to feel betrayed when they learn I’m a trans person who’s still cis, and try to deny me my own feelings and how I relate to my gender. I have to wonder if I’m “too woman” to date queer men, or “too man” to date queer women. Especially now that I’m on T—how long before people start assuming I’m exclusively a man instead of exclusively a woman? What’s going to happen when they find out they’re wrong?

So yeah, I wish people would keep this in mind more often.

31) Free space! Share anything you would like about your multigender experience.

Something that I’ve thought about a few times is the potency of my genders is different. They have different concentrations.

My woman gender feels closer to being genderless and my man gender feels VERY gendered. Maybe it’s because I’ve been a full-time woman for so long and it’s just easier to view as “me”, but since I’m not as used to being a man doing it On Purpose makes it more tangible. Dunno! But that’s how it feels!

[the-audio-archive]

⠀ »(EPISODE 1)«

╭──────────╮

𝚂𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚊𝚙𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎?

╰──────────╯

└——————— - [ 📼 ]. +〘𝚈𝚎𝚜〙 or 𝚗𝚘

⠀⠀✧ 1:20 ─〇───── 15:00

⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⇄   ◃◃   ⅠⅠ   ▹▹   ↻

Hello, Dear Listeners! I’m back with great news! My friend was able to fix up the radio! He said that it might be a bit finicky, he hasn’t seen a radio anywhere like this one! Which is saying a lot, because he loves radios! It’s kind of a special interest of his! He also asked for me to keep him in the loop, he’s interested to hear how my “little project” goes!

With that said, there’s no point in putting off trying the radio myself. I’m so excited, I’m practically vibrating! It’s been so long since I’ve done this! Let me get the radio set up, I wanted everyone to be here for the great beginning!

You hear a big clunky object being moved and set down, then pushed around and adjusted. After a minute of adjustments, you hear something, that you now realize is the radio be turned on and adjusted until Novah decides it’s just right. You can hear them thinking out loud while they do this, but it’s mostly unfinished sentences.

Okay! So far so good! Wow- my friend did such a great job- who knew he was so great with old technology! It sounds just like I remember! I guess- here goes!

Hello, is anyone there?

What follows is a very animated voice:

Yes, hello! Who am I speaking to?

You hear the blog’s host take an excited breath before pressing the radio button and responding:

I’m Novah! What’s your name, friend?

The nameless person immediately identifies themselves as Blu and asks what Novah is up to. Novah launches into their spiel that sounded just a little rehearsed:

Hi Blu! I run low pressure discussions for a blog, Is it okay if I include you on that? You’d be my first guest!

A couple second pause passes, and the animated voice has a hint of anxiety added to it when it next pipes up, completely missed by Novah.

Oh, gosh! That sounds like such a blast! I would love to! My afternoon is free, I opened it up to teach myself how to use this little ham radio, anyways, and I think I got the hang of it!!

Okay, sure! Sounds like we have plenty of time! I don’t really have any specific questions, I guess I was just hoping to see where our conversation takes us! I think, to start, I’d like to ask the most obvious question- why did you decide to start learning the ham radio?

Well, I’m trying to fill my time up with some interesting extracurriculars! I heard it helps with college applications, and- you know how high school is, you can never be too involved! I joined a club for ham radio! You seem like an expert, especially if you run a blog about this! How did you get into ham radio?

Novah let out an amused ‘hm’ in response. Novah shared the bonding experiences they had with their grandpa, and how they got to this point. They remarked that they’re still figuring things out as they go. Just as Novah finished explaining and was about to shift the conversation back to Blu, a loud popping sound came from their radio. You hear a chair get scooted back abruptly as Novah stands up.

Damnnit- the digital screen went blank, I don’t think it’s connected anymore! Let’s see- it’s still plugged in, and the antenna haven’t moved an inch. Why-

You hear some shuffling around and someone fiddling with the radio for a bit, along with Novah muttering under their breath, too unintelligible to hear what it was. After a minute or so, Novah speaks back up.

I think it’s internal- I’m going to have to see if my friend can open the radio back up and see what it is again. I’m sorry, listeners! I was really looking forward to this, and Blu seemed so nice! I had such high hopes, I-

Novah contemplated for a second.

I guess I’ll keep everyone updated. I hope we can reconnect with Blu, and that the radio isn’t too far gone, but maybe I was too far over my head.

The recording clicked off.

╭──────────╮

𝙴𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚏 𝚃𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗

╰──────────╯

╭──────────╮

𝙵𝚕𝚒𝚙 𝚝𝚊𝚙𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝙱?

╰──────────╯

└——————— - [ 📼 ]. + 𝚈𝚎𝚜 or 〘𝚗𝚘〙

[baeddel]

Nothing about gwyndolin proper strikes me as insensitive nor ignorant; don't put words in my mouth. Admittedly, as a trans woman, this is the first time I've ever been called transmisogynist for thinking a character is transfeminine. But gwyndolin is not a person, they are a character, a vehicle of storytelling, an avatar of a writer's intents and biases alike. It is not at all binarist or transmisogynist to observe (note: observe, not simply believe) that depictions of a crossdressing but otherwise self-identified man is more acceptable to a transmisogynistic society than a fully self-actualized trans woman. You even reference yourself the "wife (male)" phrasing common among internet conservatives - it's not the dress-up that bothers gamers and/or writers, it's the self-identification within a gendered system, the idea that someone's connection to womanhood is more than surface-level garments and mannerisms. Whereas gwyndolin's whole schtick is garments and mannerisms - this is less upsetting to both the writers and the audience, so that's what they went with. I think gwyndolin is an awesome character, and there are so many readings of them that I think are interesting or agreeable (or even interesting and disagreeable!), but I just don't think that divorcing gwyndolin's characterization from the real-world system of oppression that produced it in the first place produces any of those interesting opinions.

i am not sure how to square what you have just said with your statement that "nothing about Gwyndolin proper strikes me as insensitive or ignorant."

i guess what you mean is that it's more okay to be a girl (male) than it is to call yourself a woman, and so to avoid offending people they made her a girl (male). so there's nothing wrong with her per se, but that her construction is clearly informed by real-world transmisogyny, thus rendering her as a "trap", but that is actually negated if you go and explore her character in the game itself, which is more complicated.

i guess i don't really understand where you're saying she is being presented in this way outside of the game. you named Miyazaki as the villain, and he wrote the game, so i don't really know what you mean...

in any case i totally disagree with you. we had this sense a long time ago that insisting on the word woman, and the identity 'trans woman', felt more radical because it was more negated by society. so i could have written a lot of that when i was younger and argued with myself now. but i rejected it because it was wrong. it is empirically wrong; trans women who accord closer with well-ordered womanhood are more tolerated and not less tolerated. in the big census from years ago for example, you can list out the categories of MtF's preferred term from nonbinary to ... to trans woman to 'woman' (rejecting the transgender label entirely) and it falls in precisely that order that they earn the least to the most money and face the most to the least discrimination. that's just one empirical example...

that the visibly gender problematic girl (male) is visibly an object of desire is actually more like the evidence of the converse of what you're saying than what you are saying; it's something that can only be rendered obscenely and desired somewhere disgraceful where civil discourse has evaporated like an imageboard. that isn't where the majority of society happens. the Olive Garden Chaser can at least go to Olive Garden with his tranny; the imageboard troll has to edit her (him) into videos, alone in his bedroom, and never show his family, unless he wants to leave well-ordered hetero society. even on 4chan people complain about them and raid their threads.

also, i was using the girl (male) thing bc i think its hot... it wasn't a criticism... i would object to your claim that it's "common among internet conservatives"...

so in any case i disagree with you that 1. Gwyndolin's presentation is an accomodation, and that 2. we should be criticizing trap stuff at all (we should be defending it).

[poemnic-tarot]

Intuitive Channeled Messages For You

1-2-3

4-5-6

(Disclaimer : This is a general reading please only take what resonated. For entertainment purposes only)

These are short messages I channeled without card, just intuitively. Please let me know what you think, I’d love to know!.

( Art designed on Canva )

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 1 🧸

"You begin to get what life is all about. Every incidents, now you realised, was not a coincidence.It was meticulously planned for you to get here. Where you are today. Every road lead you here where you can see it all from an objective point of view. And you get it, you finally got it. You would not be confused no more, you trust the universe unconditionally. You will go where they lead you. There are fears of course and doubts and hesitation, but they would never stop you from vibrating in a high frequency, a vibration of love and compassion.

You used to be scare, all the time. Scare of life, of people in it, of all your choices, was it the right choice?, did i made the wrong one?.Why is everyone against me, why is the world against me?. Now you realised, it was just all karmic, it was designed specifically for you. So you could learn your lesson and move up. Ascend and become who you are today. Wise, at peace and more trusting than ever. Trusting of life, situation and most importantly, yourself and your choices. What you went through got you here today and you will be forever grateful. To the Divine,to yourself and your soul, for leading you home finally.

Poem: Sorrow To Joy by @cant-find-my-name

This big transition came through

A revelation

Firstly, we changed our beliefs

Reevaluate our wants and our needs

What makes us happy?

Who values we are following

Who we are without the things we do

Strip away all the unnecessary

Let go of pointless worries

To truly turn joyful

First, we shifted our energy

In this new me, being joyful

Is very easy

Song : Coming Back For You by Fireboy DML

Well I pray that the universe Gives you way more than you deserve When the tears fall like shooting stars Remember who you are Just look up to the sky you'll see

Well I pray that the universe Gives you way more than you deserve When the tears fall like shooting stars Remember who you are Just look up to the sky you'll see I'm coming back for you

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 2🛍️

“I can still recall what happened vividly. The memories would never leave me. In a way, it shaped who I am. I identified with what I went through. All of it, the good and the not so good. I appreciates all the good times, all the good people. I wish them well and I know they would do the same for me. I am on a new journey. Honestly, I have no idea where I am going, where am I headed to?.It seem not that important to find out, I figure I'll just start step by step into the unknown. I’m willing to, in a way, I was waiting for this moment. Hoping for it in fact.

It seem I had shaded my old skin. Despited remembering everything that happened. I want to changed. I want to rebuild, I want to become something else. It not because I hated my old self or anything, in fact. It's the opposite. I love my old self very much, but I think it’s just time. Time for me to discover a new side of me that’s different. That the world have never seen before. I am excited, nervous but not scare at all. Which I'm thankful for, I want it to be a fun journey, learning about myself, who will I become. I love every versions of me, the old and I'm already sure that I will also love the new. I guess it's my new purpose in life, get to know thyself again and I'm looking forward to meet me.

Poem : Shooting Stars by @cant-find-my-name

My eyes Shined

They reflected the distance light

I’ve never pray so hard in my life

Wishing for a living dream

Wishing to know

What does all the pain mean?

Trying to find the reason

The universe put me here

And I can’t -

Find the reason

Even as stars shimmered

And shoot down

It is me that has been earth bound,

I can’t go back

I can’t go home

The limit is getting too loud

Going aimless

Wandering about

Maybe it is time for me to discover

Reach deep within me to know

How far did I come from?

And how far can I go?

Song: I'm Still Here by John Rzeznik (Treasure Planet)

I am a question to the world Not an answer to be heard Or a moment that's held in your arms And what do you think you'd ever say? I won't listen anyway, you don't know me And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand? I'm a boy, no, I'm a man You can't take me and throw me away And how can you learn what's never shown? Yeah, you stand here on your own They don't know me 'cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real Wanna touch things I don't feel Wanna hold on and feel I belong

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 3🍑

“It's the people that loved you for who you are that helped you made it. They were a voice telling you not to give up, even when you wanted to. Even when there was no more reasons to go on, you think of the people who loved you. And in a way, their love for you saved you, when your own love wasn’t enough.

But you are still not out of the wood yet, but you're not scare of it no more. You are not scare to be alone anymore. People are your strength and there's experiences of that, but they are also your weakness. The world is more complicated and more than one dimensional and frankly, it's giving you a headache. You just want to live a simple life, a minimalist, no complication, alone in a forest surrounded by nature. You want your wood to turn into a forest. And build a cozy cottage to refuge there when the real world is too much. But most of your life, it's a graveyard of regret and it's full of shadows that you rather ignore. However, no more of that you finally decided. You pray for life to get better, for yourself to get better and in a way, you did not see a way out of it alive.

But in those darkness, you saw light and that light has led you to where the sun shined through. You can see better days," the monsters turned out to be just tree". There are better days, healthier ways to live. And in a way, you want to find that out for yourself. There are alway balance in life, you must remember one thing. When there's darkness, there is also light. When you encounter one the other will also find you. When you experienced one side, don't be scare to face the other. That is how you learn, that you will alway be okay.

Poem: Invisible Force by @cant-find-my-name

Something is choking me

The invisible force

Stronger than what's real

Maybe the scariest thing

Are what we're all thinking

Not necessary the truth

Or what happened

But what could have been,

It's scary to see

What isn't there

The affect is real

But the enemy aren't here

Song: This is me trying by Taylor Swift

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that Pulled the car off the road to the lookout Could've followed my fears all the way down And maybe I don't quite know what to say But I'm here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know That this is me trying I just wanted you to know That this is me trying

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 4🍇

"Peace will find you, no need to seek it. It's there for you to tap into it, anytime, anyplace. No need to acquired more to get it. The misconception that you need this or that in order to feel whole. It a misconception, you only need one thing child. And that is yourself. If you have yourself, all of you, the dark and light part of you, the side you loved and admired and the side that make you look away. All parts of you deserve recognition. They are you and yours alone, so we got to honour them. Every part of you love you and want your attention and want you to acknowledge them. Let us finally do that. Let us look into the mirror and see ourselves finally.

We are a pure soul, there is nothing wrong with us, no matter what people implied. We are not broken, we are whole. Your soul is intact, it is there for you to go back and connect to it. Your soul is waiting for you to answer its calling. You heard it but you ignore it because life get in the way, but, if you're trying to find that fulfilment. That feeling of, aww there it is the thing I'm look for?, as annoying as it is, it is that part of you that you wouldn't dare look at.

Poem: Surrendering by @cant-find-my-name

Surrendering my sorrows

Surrendering to my flaws

If there is no Perfection

I would be perfect

Nitpicking my visions

Aiming for the best

Left behind a broken body

And an anxiety ridden mind,

Right path don't do that

Peace is not a compromise

Tis a birth right

Just like how everyone will die,

Getting my soul back

Revived my forgotten joy

Everyday supposed to be precious

Not wishing for it to stop

Song : Back To Beautiful by Sofia Carson

They say You're not good enough, you're not brave enough You should cover up your body Tell me, watch my weight Gotta paint my face Or else no one's gonna want me

Why do we say this to ourselves? And even worse to each other? Why do we say this to ourselves? Ooh

We gotta, get back to beautiful Gotta, get back to beautiful All these words, starting wars Over who can hurt who more Gotta, get back to beautiful

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 5🍰

"Something is changing, you can feel it. More internally rather than externally. But it's changing all the same. But you're not scare or excited. You are just neutral about it. But there is that part of you that goes, Finally. Because lately, nothing evokes your interest.The desires you had once feel ill fitted. When you realised that nothing really matter, not in a depressing way, but more of a freeing way, You accepted that as truth. You are not satisfied in life, yes, but seeking more things will not do either. You don't want more per say, but there's something missing that you don't know how to put into words. The missing piece might not be tangible, might just be intangible things that you can't hold onto. Which way should you headed towards when your inner compass is kind of confused.

Forward is the way, you will never be lost, as long as you keep moving forwards and not stop. We will not rush either. When we are in a confusing state, we must take our time and experienced our moment fully so that there won't be a lapse in our memory. Memory is a tricky thing, if you think too far into the future or the past as you experiencing the present, then your present becomes filled with memories from the future or the past. So the present moment will never exist. Be careful of letting moments passed you by, it is alright to not know why you are feeling this way. It is alright to be confused or sad or even unsatisfied. It is alright to be in that state in your present because whatever you are feeling at the moment, the present will eventually become a past.”

Poem: Renewal by @cant-find-my-name

There is hope in this world

In words that you said,

Even though it's a lie

You tell yourself it'll be okay

Maybe not now

Definitely not right now

But hopefully someday

You begin to notice the yellow

In dandelions,

How it shine like gold

In certain light.

Now you finally see

The colourful sky

How many shades of it

Changed with time.

How every poem you write

Begins to rhyme

And you know there's a reason for all this

Every little bit of it

So whatever happened

Do not resist

For you shall learn to embrace it

Song : Take A Chance by Flume

So you feel all your powers unfold

Stretching our big wings while the white is turning gold So tell your story baby, don't give up, just let it all go out You're quiet wishing for something now

Will you be the one to take a chance? Have demands, spill your heart Will you be the one to take a stand Make the girls dance Spill your thoughts Will you be the one to take a chance? Have demands, spill your heart Will you be the one to take a stand Make the girls dance Spill your thoughts, will you?

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 6🌙

"The unlimited possibility you seek is there for you to tapped into. Your believed is everything, so be careful what or who you believe in. Miracles exist, just look into a mirror and witness one. Look into your own eyes and wondered who that soul is. For it is you, but there so much you don't know about yourself, yet. Instead of feeling bad about that, we should feel excited. For it is a privilege to know thyself. Know your limit and your unlimited possibilities. How many grains of sand on the beach, that is how much your potentials lies. What you can achieved in life is up to how much you are opened to recieved.

My dear, you are magnificent, I wish you can see yourself through my eyes. How you hold on to life, wise beyond your years. Give it everything you got, no matter what that is, is such a human trait even gods envied. Every difficulties you go through know that those got nothing on your willpower to get through them. You are a strong little human, whose hope is bigger then the universe.You believe in the better, better days, better life, better energy for this earth. And your hope/light is what is keeping this planet alive. Keep believing in your power, because you are powerful. And loved by many.

Poem: Home Coming by @cant-find-my-name

My Divine Mother gentle touch

She taught me so much

By being nurtured we grow

By being loved we thrive

By being connected

We become part of the Divine

I know you look at yourself

And see a scare child

Darling, that's quite alright

Cause you are protected, alway

All the flaws should be

Embraced

There's no need for harsh judgment

Gentleness to ourselves is what

We should aim for

Realise what's important

Now look at yourself one more time

And see the true core

Song: Hummingbird by Metro Boomin & James Blake 

Hummingbird, summer sun, has it brought my life back? Hangin' in the balance, have you brought the light back? And how long's the night shift? She's sure I get away with Realizin' she might be all I need in this life

When I saw a cold snap, I wasn't with the season Attack was on the airport and outside there was a season In here paper walls are pushing back on you like Eventually you push through, the moment that you realize

And hummingbird, I know that's our time (That's our time) But stay on, stay on, stay on with me And hummingbird, I can never unsee What you've shown me, stay on, stay on with me

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

🍑Thank you for reading! I would love to know what you think. See you soon!!!🧿

🍏Check out more of my Original Poetry at @cant-find-my-name or my IG Poemnic

🍉Check out my YouTube Channel for more Pick-A-Card Reading : Poemnic -Tarot

🍊Donate

[777-wailerchive]

a very old pseudo-essay that has been plaguing my mind for a while... i have added a few bits, bits that are highlighted in pink.

i’m very sure that amongst the unbelievable pile of issues plaguing my mere existence, the one that myself is horrifically proud of is the, arguably, worst one.

I carry my men around like jewelry: like a bracelet when I hold his hand, like a necklace when I’ve got hickies, like rings when I display like a masterstroke the tattoo i adorn on my smoked skin of his name.

i love him, oh i do. i do. i do. i do. id say that everywhere: i do. but the being i am I cannot deny and i hold his hand like it's an identifier. i have no problem being associated when im the one winning. when i am the one winning. i rever him just as much but i am the one winning. i am the one winning.

so he adds to my aesthetic value. he adds to the pointers people write of or get carved in (in their heads) when i present them with this: this, being myself.

identity of mine is null and void when objects from the external world do not link back to me. on one arm, i figure that every icon crafts their identity as such; and then I remember my icons, and retreat to my i’m very sure that amongst the unbelievable pile of issues plaguing my mere existence, the one that myself is horrifically proud of is the, arguably, worst one.

it feels good to be a heartbreaker. it feels good to be someone. it feels good to know how smitten people can be with a bug like me. and then I feel fucked up.

I play on the recall factor, it’s a game i’ve delusionally mastered in. reference untimely every single piece of shit I know to be that type of uniquely off-putting little bitch; be as crazy, put out every gorey thought unto the audience and fuck who lasts. I guess that’s the philosophy of black metal, eh? maybe I live up to my title of metal wife.

that is also one piece I adore myself on. when I too loathe being known as someone’s someone, I adore my someone. more than I have an identity, I love him. so, i’m willing utmost to be whatever.

and then I flip. a war in my mind. no, I want to be the someone who someone is of. be the rockstar, you gutless fuck of nature. i’ve got more balls than most men and i’m a heroine. suck my dick. I am all above a feminist.

yes, yes, so while I pride myself on being this, whatever this is, I do feel that... you know what? the feeling’s gone. fuck it. i don’t feel shit, i’m a wholeheartedly heartless fuck.

plain and simple, I use my surroundings to make myself instead of vice versa. no aura of me, all of it leeched upon from the generic leaks of the others.

I carry my men around like jewelry.

p.s. ...perhaps targeted.

i told you that im hard to love, baby. i told you so. i hate to say it, but i told you so.

[dandysworldhcs]

The blood golem will now project their gayness (give hcs of sexuality/gender to) onto the toons because everyone in the basement wanted that (RIGHT GUYS!? every anon screams in pain as I slosh around because I am made entirely of blood)

Dandy is a demiboy and goes by he/him, they/them, she/her, and any neopronoun or the like that you give them, with preference to he/him and they/them (they will take your gender too they already took mine (i was not born with gender i am the amalgamate of blood and pain)). They are aromantic and sex (sowwy) repulsed.

Astro is nonbinary, but also is cool with star/stars (ya know... space...). They are also sex-repulsed and aromantic!

Sprout goes by anything and everything with a preference to he and him. He is pansexual!

Shelly goes by it/its and she/her exclusively (because you usually refer to fossils as objects but she also enjoys being a girl.......). She is asexual/bixesual.

Vee is technically transfem due to her not being programmed with a gender but still going by feminine pronouns... She is lesbian (shellevision my darling..............) and a sex-repulsed asexual!

Pebble................................... is a dog......................

Bobette is a demigirl, going by it/its and she/her with preference to she/her. She is bisexual (dated Dandy before he found out he was aroace) and has a loving cookie girlfriend :)!

Coal.............. is a do

Flutter goes by they/them but also enjoys she/her. She is aroace.

Gigi is a demigirl, going by she/her, they/them, and xey/xer. They are a lesbian with a great goth ghost girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!

Glisten is a transmasc demiboy who goes by he/him and they/them. He is bisexual and loves his autistic girlfriend with a ballerina for a brain ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Goob goes by anything you call him. He is aroace.

Scraps is transfem, she/her, and she is also aroace!

Brightney goes by she/her. She is very lesbian and has a girlfriend she is TAKEN.

(Absolute dump ahead be warned) Connie does not have a definite gender, so people speculate and she just goes with it (most toons call her she/her, they/them, or he/him, she enjoys the odd toon who calls her by neopronouns or just calls her WEIRD GOTH PERSON!!!!!!!!!!! guess who calls her the last one.............). Whatever the sexuality it is for them to like girls with their lack of gender, that's what they are (most lean towards calling her lesbian).

When I asked Finn what his gender was he said cod I don't trouting know he identifies as a bitch his pronouns are try/me (he goes by anything). He likes fish......... NOT IN THE ZOOPHILIA WAY................. he's aroace btw.

Ginger does not give a shit about what you call her, but she likes she/her the most. She's pansexual with a preference of waman.

Both R and D dont like to be held down by the restrictions of gender so they do not care what you call them. Both are aroace and hate people (Razzle tries to trick you................................... but I can see through his liessssss........)

Rodger is transmasc. He like both men, women, and the ones who have ducks in their pants.

Teagan is transfem (she swapped with rodger and that's why they're married). She is pansexual and sex-repulsed.

Toodles............ she's six years old.................. as far as anyone knows rn she's a straight ally........

Boxten is a transfem demigirl, going by they/them and she/her, preference on the latter. She is a pansexual with a preference for men and is the aforementioned girlfriend with ballerina for a brain.

Poppy is butch lesbian.

Cosmo is a demiboy and goes by he/him, she/her, and star/stars. Pansexual with preference for strawberries and men.

Looey does not give a shit. Aroace.

Rudie is contemplating his gender (he is like 12/13 in my eyes idec if there's anything canon contradicting it) but he's pretty sure he's a man? He is aroace.

Shrimpo's gender is fuck/off (SHRIMPO DOES NOT NEED GENDER HE HAS AIRHORNS AND RUBBER DUCKIES IN HIS PANTS RAAAA). He is aroace :)

Tisha is a regular old female. She likes women (I am running out of ideas).

And so every evey toon hath been gay-ified besides the dogs and the six year old because the blood golem cannot keep anything straight 💔💔💔

-the blood golem anon

Guess who needs to 🛏🚶 ➡️ 🛏😴

(SORRY FOR THE SECOND LONG-ASS ASK I AM VERY AUTISTIC probably AND MUST GET THE IDEAS RYSNHRICKTKTUITSS4VNKV)

woo, okay.. time to lock in while reading (<- pre-reading the hc)

is that deadass just every toon in the game?? darn, tags are gonna be FLOODED.. anyways, love all of these LOTS!!! agh i love seeing sexuality hcs and such

[fite-club]

Idk if you’ve talked about this before but I just cannot understand how being aro-ace makes you queer. I’ve had my close aro/ace friend try to explain it to me and even she didn’t understand what she was talking about.

I still totally respect aro ace people, but I’ve tried so hard to understand some parts of what it means because it’s just so vague and general. I used to think I was demisexual because I didn’t feel sexual attraction to random people. I knew I liked boys and girls but didn’t wanna casually date around. But it turns out that’s just.. a preference. Tons of straight women don’t automatically feel sexual feelings for someone. A lot of men tend to view random women sexually because of societal conditioning to view women as objects, but I’m not gonna get into all that.

And then I see comments being like ‘you can be ace and still feel sexual attraction, you can be aro but still have crushes and want a relationship’. It just feels like a bunch of microlabels. Like baby that’s just a preference. Really what they’re describing is, the pressure of a heteronormative society making us think that we will all feel attraction in the same way, the crushes, falling in love, wanting to have sex constantly. But that isn’t true for everyone. Just because you have a lower sex drive doesn’t make you queer. Just because u don’t crush on every girl you meet doesn’t mean you’re aromantic.

Oh and I hate it when someone says ‘I don’t wanna have casual sex I want to sleep with someone I love’ and people will claim that means you’re demisexual. Fuck off- plenty of women feel this way because hookup culture has normalised women being used for meaningless sex, it’s a natural biological instinct to want to have sex with someone you have a romantic bond with and it’s unfortunate that current hookup culture makes a lot of people feel used and scared of intimacy. (And of course, I am not hating on anyone who does engage in consensual casual sex, informed consent is important but hookup culture is often pretty shallow and hateful tbh). If you’re aroace then you just don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction. No ifs or buts. If you ‘sometimes’ get crushes then I’m sorry but that’s just how attraction works lol.

I guess it’s one of those things where I have to settle for not understanding but respecting it. Sorry for the long ass ask!!

yeah yup, "ace discourse" was one of the things i made this sideblog for so you'll for sure see stuff about it if you go back thru the archive. you're right, the conflation of personal dating preferences with immutable sexual orientations has resulted in some terrible queer politics like "you can be ace and still enjoy sex, you can be aro and still love your partner". it's messed with a lot of people's (especially sheltered teens') perception of what attraction even is! and we as a society are just not past the basic misogyny, homophobia, biphobia, whorephobia, serophobia, etc wrapped up in our culture to even begin to look at attraction non-subjectively. like, as much as i want to understand aromanticism (i "get" it and respect it), i think that "romance" and "romantic attraction" are such cultural and individual things that i find it hard to comprehend how one even knows they're incapable of experiencing it...?

all that being said, i think "non-partnering aroace" people ARE "queer" in their own way. not every ace/aro person is queer or identifies as so (since you can still be cishet) and obviously there are ace/aro LGBT people, but like, i genuinely do think that our society is still really uncomfortable with the idea of single independent adults who don't want marriage or family. i don't think aroace people are "oppressed by aphobia" or anything, and it's not like they're targeted or directly hurt by homophobia, but they ARE marginalized in the fact that their existence makes other people uncomfortable and so other people will attempt to "fix" the thing that is "wrong" with them. their lifestyle isn't one you often see positively represented in media (not that it doesn't exist, of course, but it's pretty rare) and the majority of people see it as a personal/mental/emotional failure rather than a genuine preference. so, in the sense that "queer" means "unnatural, strange, othered" and also means "not heterosexual", non-partnering aroaces can be queer (if they identify that way-- plenty of aroaces don't, and/or don't consider themselves part of the LGBT community at all. depends on the person!)

[anhed-nia]

PS I almost saw IN A VIOLENT NATURE for the first time at an open air screening on Governor's Island, a popular NYC destination for outdoor entertainment and close-to-home glamping. I thought that was a great idea, but ultimately I skipped it because I wanted to see the film for the first time without the light pollution and ambient noise. They made this cool graphic for it, though...which immediately triggered comments section controversy about AI.

The social media person replied that the image was not AI-generated; though the "scene" does not take place in the movie, it is a photograph of a person wearing the screen costume, just doing something fun on Governor's Island to advertise their cool event. No matter what your general feelings are about AI in commercial art, we can probably all agree that it sucks that we have to have these onerous arguments about everything now.

For me, and I think for anyone who enjoys visual art, the medium matters--not because of some imaginary hierarchy of importance, but because different media have different effects, traditions, and implications. And because, with respect to AI, the statement "This really happened!" and the question "Wouldn't it be cool IF this really happened?" inspire very different responses. My personal, casual feeling is that AI art is OK as long as it is easily identifiable as such; like I've seen some really fun AI images whose particular kind of outrageousness makes appropriate use of that specific medium. I'm a "right tool, right job" person, I think some things should be paintings and some things should be photos, some things should be stage plays and some things should be movies. You should carefully choose your medium and exploit the unique qualities of that medium based on exactly what you're trying to accomplish. For this reason I think that AI images that are just trying to fake the effects of i.e. painting or photography kind of suck. And related to that I object to living in a world where we all just have to throw up our hands and say "Oh well, there's no way to know anymore whether something is physically-real or whether it's just a hypothetical representation of something that maybe-could-be real, I guess the only thing we can do is not give a shit about where anything comes from or how it got here and what that all means." For me, "There's no way to ever know anything for sure so who fucking cares" is not an acceptable default setting. (And I realize this is becoming the central issue of our day due to all kinds internet-enabled misinformation and I'm treading on the hem of a way bigger topic here, but never mind all that now...)

But still, I find myself just as annoyed with fakery as I am with people who instantly declare something to be fake. Frankly I think those guys are just scared of being fooled and so they're trying to preserve their own sense of superiority by declaring everything to be fake before they have any evidence one way or the other. This is a very different thing in its consequences, I know, but some of these guys sound just like the bigots who go around trying to clock random strangers as trans; they always have these ridiculous lists of "evidence" that turn out to be just as applicable to afab and amab people as they are to people who have transitioned. It's all roughly the same flavor of defensiveness from people who are scared of being tricked into believing or feeling something that will turn out to be a fraud. And I can sympathize with that to some degree, I don't wanna be tricked into believing in, for instance, awesome-looking photo shoots that never happened; like if you said it wouldn't matter to you if the photos Thierry Mugler shot on top of the Chrysler Building turned out to be digital fakes, then I would happily call you a liar. But what I really hate more than anything right now is this immediate effect where as soon as anything cool-looking appears online, we all have to have these contentious arguments where insecure jerks pound their chests about how un-foolable they are...and sometimes it turns out that the "AI art" is real and so their claims to amazing powers of perception are a big embarrassment. I guess my conclusion is that if everyone agreed to make AI imagery clearly identifiable in some way, then we could all stop having our good time spoiled by this paranoid bickering that has become the prerequisite for enjoying anything. But that's probably an impossible dream.

[justalittleb-witchy]

Clairempathy: Advice & Exercises

Advice

Empathy (in the psychic sense) is the ability to pick up on emotions and similar things. It can be expanded past emotions into territory like picking up on physical pain. For this and other reasons, I strongly recommend having a strong base education in shielding and cleansing for individuals interested in developing their clairempathy. This applies doubly-so for individuals with a natural talent in it. You're going to want to be able to "turn off" your clairempathy at will, especially in deeply stressful situations. Shielding and cleansing can help with that by cutting you off from outside influences and removing any affect they may have had on you.

Shadow work is also fairly key-- you'll need to be able to understand your own emotions, what is and isn't coming from you, as well as how your personal biases may be causing you to filter external information.

The ability to self-reflect and self-soothe in a healthy manner are fairly important in general, but can also be extra important in regards to clairempathy. You may find yourself emotionally overwhelmed at times-- including with positive emotions, and you'll need mundane coping techniques to be able to handle it.

Anecdotally, and not directly related to clairempathy, but when dealing with overwhelming energy, upon completion of your working, alongside regular grounding practices, having things that help you focus on the here and now and being human, like food, are helpful.

Generic energy work is also generally helpful to know and learn.

Exercises

These will be written in the order I recommend starting them. Start slowly, and make sure you have a handle of "letting go" of your clairempathy when you're finished using it, for lack of better terms. It'll always be there, but you don't always want it to be at the forefront.

Find an item that would have a lot of emotions attached to/associated with it, such as a family heirloom or childhood stuffed toy. For beginners, I strongly, strongly, recommend something with positive or at least neutral associations. Start with something you know about, and slowly graduate towards objects that are freely given to you, that aren't your own, and try to guess what energies are tied to them. By starting with familiar objects, you will be able to tell x sensation is related to y specific feeling.

Optional: You can also do this with places, but I recommend starting on a physically smaller scale first, i.e. objects.

Sit with a volunteer. When first beginning, people sometimes find that maintaining physical touch is a useful conduit. Close your eyes, so that you are not biased by visual stimulus, and ask them to think of a particularly potent memory or emotion. Try to identify what they are feeling.

Over time, get used to doing the above step without physical touch. Physical touch, because of bodily ques such as temperature, can bias you and give you unconscious clues. Slowly increase distance, try this exercise in separate rooms, or when you are even further apart. Doing these exercises with a person is useful because they are directly able to give you feedback.

If you work with spirits or deities, you can ask them to help you practice your clairempathy, by sending you emotions and sensations.

Over time, and with an absurd amount of practice, you can try to guess what your volunteer is thinking. I am not suggesting that you will become a mind reader. But sometimes, I have witnessed, particularly talented people can pick up on words, concepts, and phrases. Don't beat yourself up if you can't do this-- this is not what people can normally do.

If you have a friend that is a witch, it can be helpful to have them intentionally enchant objects for you to guess what their purpose is/what energy has been attached to them. You could also have a non-witchy volunteer hold an object, concentrate really hard on an emotion, and hope for the best.

[left-for-carrion]

roach's intro post :3c

blog tags:

roach's killer - gore/snuff stuff. block if you don't want to see that

roach's scars - sh stuff, please block this tag if you don't wish to see that sort of thing

roach's mutt - stuff about me being a mutt/petplay

roach's angel - stuff about me being an angel

roach's god - stuff about me being a god/my worshippers

roach's rambles - just random stuff not particularly kink related

roach's doctor - med kink stuff

roach's stalker - stalking fantasy stuff

roach's robot - robotic kink stuff

DNI:

Minors, please don't get me arrested dudes

Pro-contact zoophiles [petplay/people who identify as animals are welcome]

Pro-contact pedophiles [ageplay, fauxcest, incest welcome]

Racists

People who sexualize disorders they don't have

RadFem

Homophobes/LGBTQ+ophobes

Transphobes

Anti-therian/anti-kin

Zionists

People who support Israel/Are against Palestine

!Warning!

This blog is fucking heavy, sh, gore, stalker stuff, ect. exists here.

Don't like, don't look. Don't say I didn't warn you. Buzz off if you don't wanna be friends or exist peacefully with me.

I will continuously edit this, so always check if there's something you wanna know or feel free to ask, I don't bite [without permission]

I'm Roach on this blog, usually Opium on anon. If you came looking and see this, hi, you found me <3

I'm the god of mutilation of the self and others, your angel [if you want] and a mutt that needs to be put down.

I'm really off-putting and aware of it, just not sure how to fix it, I apologize :']

Also askgame masterpost: [everything I'm particapting in atm]

About me:

I'm 22, an adult, so no minors please. At all. I don't wanna get arresteddddddd- I use it/its only agender, pansexual, poly. Don't they/them me if you know me. I'm NOT HUMAN IN ANY WAY. In RP, I will absolutely describe myself as a monster/angel/whatever is related. If that's not your thing, then lemme know, but don't refer to me as human outside of rp.

Fultist, come worship me <3

Not dating anyone and open to anyone even if I am. [Although, if you want me all to yourself, you better tell me quick <3]

I'm mainly T4T, but not exclusively

Always open to roleplay

Fantasy/Scene stalker and stalkee [CNC]

Very lapsed Catholic, so things will have that religous flavor, sorry-

An absolute slut for fighting kinks <3 [please fight me, please kill me-]

I do do pictures/nudes, only in DMs and with mutuals. Mutuals, feel free to make requests <3<3<3

I have ADHD, BPD, severe anxiety, and several undiagnosed things. I am nonverbal irl.

I use Discord, if you wanna talk on an alt social media

Feel free to DM me anything, anything at all, and asks are always open

I'm a service dom, a service sub, and anything harsh we do will be full of fondness because I'm insane and down bad for anyone that gives me attention. Still insanely messed up depending on the thing, but it'll be full of love <3

Also, you can guess at what my anatomy is, I switch with every post. Anything goes, just your personal preference I guess. Dick, cock, hole, whatever. I don't really care.

Kinks list:

[Faves in bold] 

[Not complete, anything not in limits is open]

[What I’m craving has ♡ next to it]

Fighting/Arena/Ring ♡

Worship

Cannibalism

Petplay

Robot/Objectum*

Medical

Intoxication

Fauxcest [Sibling/parent <3]

Public Sex

Plushie Transformation

Role reversal ♡

Overstimulation

Edging

Piss, anything related to piss ♡

Stalker/Stalking ♡

Woundfucking ♡

Snuff ♡

Body modification

CNC [The word rape is allowed, I don't personally use it much however]

Object Insertion

Knife Play ♡

Forcemasc [not receiving, just love turning people <3]

Forcefem [Also not receiving <3]

Primal [Pred, although idm prey]

Limits:

[you can still follow if you like these, I just don't wanna do anything related to them]

[All of these are hard, I have no soft boundaries as of this post, so no negotiations]

Detrans from a non-trans person [if you’re trans, welcome <3]

Human Pregnancy

Race play

Orientation play

I do participate in fandom, I know I know, so disappointing, so occasionally I reblog/talk about things from:

Hannibal NBC

Ultrakill

Vocaloid [Purely for Miku <3]

Portal 1 & 2

Wowowowowowowow you made it to the end, ily <3 Thank you for reading :3

[plural-affirmations]

I'm trying to figure myself out because I'm sick of being confused, but I'm not really sure where to start, and I was hoping you or someone else could help. I'll start at the beginning I suppose. As a child I have been told that I had imaginary friends or an imaginary friend until I got bored of it. It's hard to remember of course, but what I remember is that I had a couple of friends, Jade and Marble, girl and boy respectively, that I registered as not existing physically, but still being friends with me until my parents got sick of my talking to myself and even then I remember talking to them afterwards until eventually either they stopped talking to me or I did. Not sure which. Either way, I became less lonely for a time and I didn't have need of them. 10-12 I would guess?

Later, when I was 13-15 I wasn't alone alone in my head again. There were two boys named Taummy and Camiel. Taummy insisted it was spelled with an au because he was a golden boy and pointed to his blonde hair as proof. Camiel named himself, he had blue hair. I would imagine myself on a dock on a lake talking to them. Separate from but near the lake I mentally designed a library of my memories and a room connected to that in which there were couches and one wall was filled with whatever I was seeing through my eyes, ostensibly anyway, and sometimes Taummy would come in and replace me so that I wasn't controlling my body for a while. Taummy was around most of the time, near the lake or in the library, and would come when I called for him if he felt like it. Camiel wasn't around nearly as much, but Taummy said that he was in town if I asked. Eventually Camiel stopped showing back up, and Taummy stopped talking to me of his own volition, and I couldn't find him if I looked for him.

I dismissed both of those things as just... Elaborate daydreams, but recently I've been feeling someone again but if there is anyone there they haven't said anything or responded to my mental questions. I'm confused about this and honestly a little bit scared.

I don't think I have been losing any time, though my memory has never been the best.

thanks for your answer if you decide to respond

Hey there, sorry to hear you're having a rough time right now.

That could possibly be plurality, but it also very well could not be. Unfortunately, I am entirely unable to say in either direction. I can't diagnose, and I certainly can't make you choose what to identify as 😭

Plurality is the most subjective collective experience of a community I've ever seen. Which means like, 1 guy with exactly 3 imaginary friends could be plural, but so is a multi-universal gateway system, and so is DID, and so is a hoarde of sentient objects, it goes on.

Go be yourself, the knowledge will come if it's meant to. Otherwise, don't stress. You got this. 💙

🖤💜💙💚💛