#I am very glad I know trans women and butch women and queer women and gnc women and women 5 inches to the left

[drdemonprince]

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and willingness to explain how queer spaces can be a lot less transphobic than discourse within the trans community can make it seem. A lot of the past few years for me have been spent closeted out of fear that reactions around me would be uniformly hostile. Things are obviously going to be different for me as a transfem, but I have a much easier time being optimistic now!

I am so glad! Listen, the people who post online all the time about how miserably hard it is to find a place for oneself as a trans person create a kind of reverse survivorship bias. They are the people who have already convinced themselves it's best to forever remain closeted or that forging any kind of accepting community for oneself is impossible. Often, they are also people who once harbored unrealistic fantasies about just strolling up one day into a pre-existing community that was perfect for them, not realizing that we must form our relationships painstakingly one by one (it tends to be the white eggs/unhappy lonely trans people who are most prone to thinking of community in that way). there's plenty of trans guys who are doomers like this too and they really tend to actively encourage one another to remain locked away. it's like incel kind of behavior when it's taken to its most extreme form. sometimes, it can be outwardly really nasty homophobic shit too (especially among "afabs" who complain about "cis gays" never accepting them and being super privileged). in its milder form, it's just extreme trauma brain.

The people you do not hear from so much are the people who are busy out in the world going on dates, acting in plays, getting their asses spanked in dungeons, playing tabletop roleplaying games, and going to farmer's markets with their three also transgender wives. Those are the people who know (that is to say, have learned!) how to interact with their fellow queer people, have spent some time out in the community, and in all likelihood have many rich friendships with cis lesbians, cis gay men, enbies, asexuals, bisexuals, straight ish poly people, and everybody else under our big umbrella.

I don't want to be overly pollyannaish because of course trans people have a tough time, and especially trans women have unfortunately to be on the lookout for really vile transmisogyny. But I think when people are wounded and traumatized by these things, they sometimes make the entire world sound incredibly unwelcoming, which creates a self-limiting feedback loop of isolation and mistrust. That is what trauma does! But it is not the truth. and we only learn otherwise when we give other people the chance to prove our worst fears wrong.

Like, just for an example, this Sunday I was at a silent book club at Dorothy, a gay bar on the west side that skews lesbian but is for everyone. I'd never been there before but it was an absolutely charming experience! Dozens upon dozens of lesbians draped over couches and curled up in chairs with their books, quaffing cocktails, alongside a few random dots of gay and/or trans men. Trans women were just a natural completely unremarkable feature of this environment. I couldn't even tell you how many t girls were there. It would be like counting plus sized girls or butches at this lesbian function. If it's a good lesbian function, there's gonna be a diverse crowd and it won't be weird or a big deal to anyone, they'll just be like any other women there. a lot of the big lesbian events here in Chicago (like Strapped) are organized by trans women, so of course there's a robust trans femme presence there.

And all of these groups at this function were getting laid. the couches were overflowing with women, so many that girls were grabbing pillows to sit on and huddle together with their books on the floor. Girls canoodled and cuddled on couches. I saw a cis alt girl covered in facial piercings flirting with a very prim and proper trans girl who was dressed like a victorian governness. they didnt know one another, but after the silent book club hour was done, they left for a while together, then came back with some food. across from me and my friends, i watched them gathering up on the couch, the space between their bodies slowly closing up into nothing over the course of the evening. they flirted and touched and then left the bar together to (and im no expert on body language but i could pick up on this one) fuck eachothers tits right off.

and of course plenty of other lesbians and wlw paired off or tripled off and had their fun too. again, just like steamworks, fat people, thin people, black and brown people, white people, disabled people, neurodivergent people, trans people, older people, younger people, everybody was there. like any good queer space, it was just a reflection of humanity. there is always more that can be done to make these spaces more broadly accessible to full community. but part of that is by putting ourselves there.

again i dont mean to make it sound like finding and making one's space is easy! especially not for trans women! but I also don't want people to get seduced by the hopeless jadedness that some foment online. there are spaces that some trans women I know will never go to -- even an explicitly trans affirming bookstore like Women and Children First gives many trans women I know bad vibes they cant quite explain but all feel (the store is owned and run by old white cis lesbians, it's not surprising to me that it's a little fucked no matter their good intentions) -- and ive heard people say transmisogynistic stuff at events, particularly from "ill date anybody but cis men" type t boys (my brothers, i hate you). shit can be tough. very tough. but also, the world isn't all uniformly as hostile as it's made out to be. there are people who are desperate to meet you. I hope you will come out to find them.

[genderqueerdykes]

What are your thoughts on lesbian separatism and the rules some try to enforce today from that, especially that no bi person can use butch/femme terms?

Coming from a bi butch who struggled to use that term for myself because of those people

hello there! i'm really glad to took the time to ask, I have a lot to say on this subject!

lesbian separatism is bullshit! the "movement" started to exclude lesbians who are attracted to men, lesbians who are men, transgender and transsexual lesbians, and lesbians who socialize with men. this community has also expressed heavy amounts of butchphobia

butches who were men or partially men were cast out, as were butches who were transsexual or transgender, wanted to take hormones, or get top surgery or sex reassignment surgery. butches who didn't identify the way lesbian separatists like were chucked out of or heavily discriminated against in these spaces.

the "movement" was an attempt to make it so that lesbians who identified as bisexual were discredited and removed of their lesbian status. even lesbians who socialized closely with men were often seen as "traitors" to lesbianism. the idea that lesbians could not be men, even partially, was also introduced during this time, and there was a call to push trans men and transmascs out of lesbian spaces.

there are a lot of folks who are trying to put up barriers between lesbians and bisexual women/people, but those lines shouldn't exist to begin with. a lesbian is a lesbian regardless of who else they're attracted to. no one gets to tell someone what their identity is, and they certainly don't get to strip it away because of outside factors!

butch and femme are terms that have been used by the queer community for decades- they began seeing very popular usage in early 1900s america. these terms have been used for all queer people- feminine gay men were also called femmes and masculine gay men were also called butches.

femme was and is meant to used the queer presentation of femininity- whether that be a femme lesbian, a drag queen, a trans girl, a feminine trans guy, whoever it may be, if you are queer and primarily feminine or express queer femininity, the term femme was/is used

butch was and is meant to be used to refer to the queer presentation of masculinity- butch lesbians, drag kings, bears, trans guys, masculine trans girls, as long as you are someone who expresses queer femininity, the term was/is used

i am very sorry that you have been affected by this rhetoric- a lot of people have, especially now. i know that there are very vocal and angry people online right now trying to say what's right for the lesbian community, but separatism definitely is not it. you do not have to fuss over whether or not you can call yourself butch or femme as a bisexual lesbian- you are queer, and these terms are not tied solely to lesbianism. even if they were, you would still be allowed to use them, because you are a lesbian

a bisexual lesbian is a lesbian. a pansexual lesbian is a lesbian. a polysexual lesbian is a lesbian. an omnisexual lesbian is a lesbian. lesbians are lesbians regardless of how many genders we're attracted to. spreading us across numerous communities won't help- sticking together keeps us strong. acceptance of and love toward all lesbians will be what unites us

hope this helps! take care, stay safe, if you have any more questions, feel free to ask!

[dead-dog-dont-eat]

content/to warn: acephobia, queer exclusionism, and usage of outdated terms along with bigotry (click below to read more)

Hello, everyone! I know that this is very sudden, but I PLEASE urge you to read this of a certain user here on tumblr. This has been bothering me and kinda triggering for a while, so this needs to be said. I also went and did my first try on using image descriptions in ALT for the images I am about to show you so I tried my best.

During Pride Month a while ago, I posted one of my headcanons that features one of the characters, Millie from Helluva Boss, to be a heteroromantic sex-positive asexual woman. Though, as the post was there, it has caught attention to a tumblr user, @/starry-cow, and they replied to this:

Listen, I respect those who have different opinions on a character they like, but if you're going to be disrespectful, then just don't say it(?). So I went and replied to try and defend my headcanon; please note that when I was trying to define being sex-positive, I might've worded incorrectly a bit so I apologize.

If you know me, you would probably know that I am demisexual, which is a label under the ace umbrella. I am also under the aro umbrella, making me aroace. Plus I'm a nonbinary trans boy who is polyamorous with my attraction towards women/fem-aligned|presenting individuals is queer. Though, not everyone thinks that as they replied once again:

This is VERY outdated, and it invalidates me as an ace-spec person who is both sex-positive and sex-favorable. I have talked to another aro/ace person about this and it (<- one of zer pronouns) said that this was merely more then talking over to someone who is ace and saying that every asexual/ace-spec person is indifferent. Not to mention that they brought up exclus saying that "lesbians can't date men" when there are masc-aligned/presenting/multigendered individuals who use that label. I find it ironic that they brought up on how lesbians cannot be attracted to men when in, my headcanon post, it included of Blitzø being a pan gay (being both pansexual AND gay). So I also replied once more. Trying to educate them along with asking if they were asexual as well.

I am a transgender boy whose considered to be multigender and also at the same time not--my attraction to women is both straight AND queer. Even though my attraction is equivalent to me being a transhet, I still identify with the lesbian label because I still have ties with it and don't want to let go of the label itself and consider myself multi-spec because of my attraction to nonbinary people and also my platonic relationship with binary/cisgender men. And it was also my confirmation that the person is not asexual (greatly assuming allosexual) because they avoided my question on if they're ace or not.

I refused to respond, and afterwards they post this on their account because I was checking if they mentioned they were ace.

This is very bigoted in many ways. While they say that they support he/him lesbians, but yet they do not support masc/men-aligned + presenting lesbians. Because there ARE lesbians who look like men and/or are men. I am one of them; I am a futch, butch-leaning masc-alinged/presenting transfemasc enby boy. I blocked them. And after getting curious, I found that they replied to an anon ask:

They have openly admitted on not caring if they are a queer exclusionist along with using outdated terms that were ALSO used by exclusionists/TERFs. The replies are not there anymore because after I blocked them, the replies disappeared so I am glad to screenshot them.

On other notes, I should've said in the beginning that the person goes by the name of Beth and uses they/them pronouns. I have looked at their bio and pinned post and there was nothing said about them being ace. I am sick and tired of people making me feel bad because I am ace-spec and sex-positive along with my gender and how it affects my attraction and labels being "problematic/can't exist" when they have been around since forever.

[vaspider]

I have a question, and you seem to be very good at explaining things. My understanding is that transfemme/transwoman/femme? are all the same, and mean someone who was assigned male at birth, and currently identifies as transgender. And the same for transmasc/transman/masc. Just, yknow, the other way around. Is that correct? Or am I getting my terminology wrong? I've always been kinda shakey on that, but wasn't sure who to ask without seeming rude, or like I was mocking them.

"Femme" is a word with multiple meanings. It can mean:

"Woman" - since it's just the word 'woman' in French, and this is where all of the other meanings come from.

"A femme lesbian, that is, someone who fits the 'femme' dynamic or presentation within a butch/femme relationship, or simply on their own." - This is regardless of actual gender, pronouns, cis, trans, whatever. Butch and femme in this context come to us from Polari, which is a theater cant from the UK commonly used by Travellers, theater people, sex workers, and queer folx (and all the intersections thereof). The butch/femme dynamic in lesbian (and gay!) relationships and communities goes back at least seventy-five years. This has way more context to it than I can cover in this, but, like, if you look at movies like Paris Is Burning or read any of the older lesbian zines, you'll see many many examples.

"A transfeminine person, that is, someone who was assigned male at birth and is moving in a feminine direction with their transition, or presents feminine rather than masculine OR a person who presents feminine regardless of gender." - 'Femme' is often used as a catch-all term for anyone who is "femme of center" when discussing gendered issues. This can include cis women, femme non-binary people regardless of gender at birth, binary trans women, and many other varieties as well.

You'll sometimes see "women and femmes" used to describe who belongs in a particular space, but this is falling out of favor, thankfully, as it was often used as a low-key misgendering of AFAB non-binary people and trans men. What people usually meant by that is "people with vaginas and also trans women I guess," and it ended up with a sort of 'woman lite' implication for the word 'non-binary' and excluding non-binary people who didn't present feminine enough (usually meaning 'they have a dick and are non-binary'). The whole phrase is a mess and I'm glad we're moving more toward talking about "marginalized genders."

My wording on this may not be perfect, and it may not match every single use of femme as other people understand it -- and I'm sure I've forgotten some usages of it. The point is that it's a contextual word. What it means often depends on the conversation at hand, who's having the conversation, what community they're part of (whether that's the lesbian community, the queer community, the trans community, what region or country they're from... ), etc. If you're confused by someone's use of 'femme' contextually, it doesn't hurt to ask for more information. (Though I would avoid saying things like 'define femme' bc that's often the sort of thing that TERFs and the baby-TERF exclusionists do, and you may come off unintentionally as one of them. Asking 'hey, I know this word has lots of contextual different meanings, would you mind clarifying for me' is probably better.)

That's one thing, honestly, I think we need to get a lot better at as a community -- and here I know I'm going on a tangent -- recognizing that a lot of our words are contextual, lots of them don't have single, fixed, universally-recognized meanings, that the US isn't the single defining experience of queerness and other countries use other terms which are as correct as ours, and that even regionally there are lots of different terms or slightly different definitions. This sort of dogmatic 'there is absolutely only one definition, and it's mine, and I'm going to redefine your experience and your identity if it doesn't fit my definition' is something I've seen far too much of lately, especially from younger queer folx.

I know it's like, really tempting to want to have singular rigid definitions for every word, but that doesn't fit people's experiences of gender or sexuality, and the trend I've seen toward literally telling people "you are not X, your experience doesn't fit X, you are Y," is some nasty-ass stuff and it really needs to stop. I've seen it most often with younger lesbians telling older (in some cases decades older) lesbians "you're wrong, you're bisexual/pansexual, you're not a lesbian," but I've also seen it with gender, people telling others what their gender is, and that's the shit that TERFs and other transphobes do, we can't be doing that to each other.

Anyway, femme means a lot of things, depending on context. Ask people if you're not sure. And before I hit post on this, let me make clear that I don't tolerate discourse around whether butch and femme are "lesbian exclusive" terms. They are not, they never have been, and if someone comes into my notes trying to start that old bullshit up again, they will not get the serotonin of a reply from me. They will get blocked without response.

[takaraphoenix]

Have you seen Love Victor? If not, do you plan to?

I just finished binging it! So I’ll use this to talk about it. Which means: Spoilers ahead! ;)

Overall, I liked it. I really liked the characters, I liked that they all got their own depth and problems. I liked the family and their dynamic (though kid brother came very short, but it was only 10 episodes so there’s that).

I was skeptical at first, naturally so - I mean, a spin-off show from Love, Simon but with zero of the characters from the movie? That’s... odd. What’s the point of that then? Just make it its own thing? Especially considering I had heard from book-readers that one of the girls was bisexual, so I was a bit put-out that they do a spin-off, but not about that - which would have been a rather natural way to go.

I think it worked very well though. I really loved the way in which it did tie into Love, Simon. Having Simon as his mentor like that, building up their friendship - I was very happy to see both Bram and Simon again! That was a surprise, I didn’t expect them to show up at all, to be honest.

There were things they didn’t handle very well, in my opinion. Namely the cheating. One kiss, in the heat of the moment, still confused and trying to figure him out? I’ll give him that. But the second kiss and then ultimately the third, which Mia saw? That went too far.

And making Mia see it was just such a bad move. I like their dynamic, I think Mia and Victor could have a great friendship, but I don’t... see them coming back from that, because that was humiliating. On the dance that Mia was looking forward to? Having to see it?

I wish they hadn’t forced that to be so unnecessarily dramatic, instead of just giving Victor the chance to come out on his own terms - seriously, it was my biggest upset with Love, Simon already, the forced outing. So that Victor now had Andrew overhear things and Mia witness things... I just hope they don’t turn Andrew into a total jackass who does out Victor to the school, but even on the small two person scale, it was already... too much, for me. Especially with Mia.

Had Victor gotten the chance to tell her on her own, that could have been so great. But this cliche of “and then someone walks in and something More Dramatic happens so the person puts it off and they put it off so far that the secret gets out on its own oopsie” is so cringey and so overused.

When the end came around with his parents and he turned to go to bed, I got very mad there for a moment because seriously, they pull it twice? I’m glad he came out on his own. I still don’t really like the how, because seriously he wanted to tell his parents something and instead of listening to them, they’re like “please sit down and let us go first and tell you that we’re separating”. No, don’t make it about you when your kid declares they have something to say to you?

That cliffhanger leaves me very anxious about how his parents will take it. If they do another beat by beat of the movie and have the dad be cute and awkward and apologize for his previous behavior, which would be better but is also a bit of a let down for they just repeating themselves again, or if they do have him double down on the homophobia, which wouldn’t be very stellar considering the fact that the white boy protagonist from the movie got his happily accepting family so making the POC protagonist of the show actually have a hard-set homophobic dad... would be disappointing.

I kind of wish Victor would have confided in Pilar independently, on the way back home - especially since they walked there, that’d have been peaceful and enough time for him to tell her. I really want to explore their dynamic more next season and see her be a supportive sister, see them grow closer.

I gotta say, I wasn’t big on that Felix/Lake thing. It was such a cliche of “nice nerd pining for the hot girl but never being noticed until guy she likes treats her bad and She Notices Him”... Very tiresome straight nonsense that one.

There was one small thing that bothered me and I don’t know if that is a cultural thing and I am just not actually familiar enough with American terminologies - but when Bram was Victor’s guide into all things gays and he kept using femme and butch for gay men, that... really bothered me as a lesbian. Those are women exclusive terms, aren’t they? I can see the femme being used for feminine gay men, but I have never in my life heard a dude be referred to as “butch”. Especially since “butch” has certain visual connotations to it - but those guys were simply regular gay men, who shocked Victor because they “don’t look gay! :O”. But male jocks aren’t... butch...?

I just think that a show that is supposed to be about discoving yourself and discovering the community... should be a way of introduction for the audience too so the baby gays watching it can learn from it. So I do think that such things should be... used properly, because these “coming of age”-stories do owe the viewer something introductory because the target audience are kids who are in that age and they should be able to look at these things for at least some guidance into figuring themselves out.

And, on that topic, I do wish they had paid more focus to the “figuring out” section. That was an under one minute montage of internet pages with big labels of bisexuality, pansexuality and... foot fetishes. That was it and it was kind of discarded after. This would have been a great opportunity to actually have Victor explore those identities, read up on them, try them out on himself, see if any of them fit - bisexuality or pansexuality or heck after he tried to have sex with Mia but it didn’t click he could have also come to explore asexuality. It was such a quickly discarded moment and while I can read that as him internally already knowing his truth, knowing he is gay and doesn’t really need to explore, I still think that in the overall story, at least one episode of focus on identities and how confusing figuring labels out can be... would have been great.

I also do hope that season 2 will add... more diversity on its LGBT representation. We have two Gay Boys on the show that is a tie-in to a movie around two other Gay Boys. Give me a bisexual, a pansexual, a lesbian, a trans character - just something else than the gay guy that’s been domineering the franchise so far. I think a TV show has the opportunity and time to focus on that in side-plots and not be suffocatingly straight outside of the gay main couple.

So, that’s where I hope they take season 2. His parents coming around on it, him and Mia mending things somehow, more on the sibling dynamic and hopefully some queer friends for Victor to up the rep and variety of queer storylines a bit more.

[bi-bobbysoxxers]

Heyy y'all! I was tagged by @meiyanaalexia Thanks for the tag, fam!

Rules: List ten of your fave female characters from your ten fave fandoms and then tag 10 other ppl!

This list is by no means comprehensive or a ranked list, as i think all my fave characters are equally bad betches, in their own right xD alright let's get to it!

-Tamari and Lady Tsunade (Naruto/Naruto Shippuden)

Tamari's one of the more cool, levelheaded female side characters in naruto and idk, she's very much Gaara and Kankuro's rock, and idk, i like that. I view her as a very strong female character, and i think she carries a lot of badass masculine energy. Plus she's a badass fighter as well. (((And she's hot but that's beside the point lol))) I like Lady Tsunade a lot, but i admit, i wasnt a fan of her at first. But now that I'm seeing her character unfold in Shippuden, I like her a lot. I like the concept that she's kiind of a grouchy, reluctant leader of the leaf village, cause that makes her seem like a very reliable leader, in a way. I think she's hella underrated as a strong character, tbh. Plus i like that she's a healing ninja, cause it seems so opposite to her outward personality. The more i watch naruto the more i'm really liking more of their female characters, tbh.

Quotes!

Tamari: "Sharpen your karma at sunset."

Tsunade: "People become stronger because they have things they cannot forget. That's what you call growth."

-Lucy and Kiyoko (Bungou Stray Dogs)

oh wow, uh, not gonna lie, i really like this anime more for most of the male characters, but Lucy and Kiyoko have alswas been in my faves list. I didnt really understand Lucy's character in season one but as the plot thickens, so does her issues with wanting to morally become a better person, but still being fairly new to learning to become selfless. I think a lot of people can relate to her because she can be fairly emotionally erratic, and she struggles with the whole "forgiveness thing." But later on you see that all she really wanted was a true family and friends that value her. And i think that's something we all want, deep down. Also, her powers are highly unnderrated and badass and i love how she is slowly becoming a protector for ppl like Atsushi, which really shows her growth as a character.

I also put Kiyoko on this list because i think she is equally as good of a female character as Lucy is, but for dif reasons. I loveeee the whole concept of "initially bad" characters soon wanting to become good. There's a simplicity in her character that i think models Atsushi's in a way, i mean they're both damaged, but both yearn to do good and make a comeback with the chances they've been given in life. If Lucy was a Tarot Card she would be the Fool. I also love how steadfast she is in her newfound family and how much she believes in everyone in the ADA now. It's very wholesome and pure :3 also i love her and Atsushi's relationship, it kinda reminds me of me and my BFF's ride or die relationship, lol.

Lucy: "Make sure you survive...Then come back for me. I'll be waiting."

Kiyoko: "I saw a bright world. I cannot go back to a time when I didn't know such a thing existed."

-Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter)

Ugh, there's so many things about this character that I have always loved and adored. Her character design, her quiet whimsical weirdness. Her determined loyalty to the people that accept her. Her lovely simple wisdom, at times. Like Harry said, Luna is just "...coooll." She kinda reminds me of me when I was a teenager but way cooler lol.

Luna: "My mum always said things we lose have a way of coming back to us, in the end."

-Lara Croft (Tomb Raider movies and videogames)

Laura is....a simple character by design. If anything, the plotlines and video game design of the Tomb Raider franchise are way more intricate. And yeah...there's her misogynistic character design (Note: the impossibly snatched waist and bOoBiEs in earlier games.)

BUT. I still stan her for a multitude of reasons. Growing up, there were may more princess characters than female warrior characters and ya know, I'm really glad I was exposed to Lara Croft movies and the Tomb Raider: Legend video games as a kid. I think Laura taught me that you can definitely embrace your feminine side and still be a badass and follow your dreams. Even now, after me finally figuring out i'm not cis, i know, that she's still an icon for most kids out there. And for me too. She was a symbol of bravery, intelligence, as well as still being a character of emotional depth, grieving the loss of her parents while vowing to continue to do what she loved, which is exploring. Cultural and moral problems with her character aside, i still find both her and her stories very inspirational, both as a bigender queer person, and as a designer.

Laura Quotes: "The line between our myths and truth is fragile and blurry."

"The extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are."

-Scorpia (She-Ra)

Oh wow, i could go on for days about how much i love thus character. If you're queer or fun in any capacity you've probably watched the final season fo She-Ra by now and spoilers aside, i just love the journey this character went on from start to finish. Scorpia is so genuine and nice, and sometimes that puts her in situations where she has to make hard decisions. And idk, those decisions just made that character so much better for me. On a lighter note, Scorpia is great queer rep, especially for butch lesbians, lesbians, trans ppl, androg ppl, and gender nonconforming ppl. She's always said things that have resonated with me as a queer person and aside from that, she's a very excitable and fun character. She just excudes so much curiosity and joy that you really can't help but like her, lol.

Scorpia: "I am brave, strong, loyal, and i give great hugs!"

-Sypha (Castlevania)

Altho I personally don't view Sypha as a cis woman, (I see her as nonbinary or agender), I think the way characters treat her in the show is indicative that in that period, they view her as a woman. So i figured I could put her on this list as well lol. Anyways, uhhh wow, Sypha is great, there's so much I love about her that it's hard to put into words. I love that she regards herself as a "scholar" of magic, but still views herself as a heretic, I just find it pretty funny and very sexy of her lol. Aside from that, I think Sypha is a great character who always seeks out logic where there usually ends up being none. I love her cheeky remarks to both Alucard and Trevor, and I love her can-do attitude. At the end of the day, she's one of those characters you love just for her great energy she carries for herself within the show. There's really no rhyme or reason to her, she just, is. She subverts many female mage character tropes as well, being a natural badass. Also her god jokes are so damn funny.

Sypha: "See?? God hates me!?

-Aunt Sarah (Derry Girls)

Okay first of all, if you havent seen Derry girls, pleaseeee watch it, holy shit it's the funniest show i've seen in a longass time. Second of all, my friend and I are still going thru the show, but Ajnt Sarah has started to become one of my favorite characters. She's one of those very aloof characters that you kinda ignore at first but then her character just has these amazing one liners and she really grows on you. Also she is very caring about her family and she's cute as hell???? I'm sorry but like her aesthetic is just on fuckin point, like??? Go off babe?? Anyways yeah she's cute.

No quotes for her since that might ruin some of the better punchlines if you end up watching the show lol.

-Marga (Cable Girls)

Yeah, if you want a really good 1920's drama that focuses on women, go give Cable Girls a try! It is very poetic in its direction lol. Anyways, Marga is one of the "new girls" at the beginning of the show and she is just, so earnest, and genuine, and pure. And I love her. She's very nice to the other girls working and she's got some great one liners. She's that timid, cute character that slowy comes out of her shell throughout the show lol.

-Kiki and Sheeta (Studio Ghibli)

I loveee Studio Ghibli films, and one of my two fave films of Miyazaki are Kiki's Delivery Service and my ultimate fave, Castle in the Sky. I adore Kiki as a character because she is your quintessential cute witch, and her journey with finding and grasping her full powers are very relevant to me, and my journey with upholding my creativity as a designer. As well as being a great movie with a great lessom for all artists, Kiki is a very passionate and genuine character, who's resilency has inspired me in hard times. I love her relationship that she has with other ppl as nd creatures, especially with her cat Gigi. She's cute, i love her lots.

Sheeta, I love for different reasons. Sheeta is one of those rare instances where a quiet protagonist, really works. I love her calm and humble, yet powerful energy surrounding her. I love her background, and how there has always beem magic inside of her, even if she's not a practicing witch. She is so very humble and a very introspective character. There's not a lot of female protagonists quite like her. Plus she's adorable as well, lol.

-Aunt Hilda, Zelda, Prudence, and Lilith (CHAOS)

I'm not gonna get into super specifics since i love all these characters equally, but I will say that all these characters absolutely MADE this series for me. I personally found Sabrina's character very annoying and slightly egotistical (i mean she's allowed to be i suppose,lol) but these characters were just so much fun!

I love Aunt Hilda for her soft personality and great revenge comebacks. I love Prudence for her aesthetic, character design, and amazing characrer development throughout the series. I love Lilith, for being both a BAMF and. MILF, lolz. And finally, i absolutely adore Zelda's character, for being so poised, calculating, blunt, and yet so very badass and loveable xD I love everything about her character, tbh.

There's so many good quotes from each character, so just watch the show, lol.

Andddd i think that's it! Sorry this was super long, I wanted to state my reasoms for why these characters were on the list, lol. Hope you liked some of my character analysis, feel free to screech with me about shows anytime lol. I'd love more good show recs!

You def don't have to go as hard as I did on this but I tag:

@heathen-beast @iquotetheravennevermore @sweet-communist @gardiewithyou @sawayakakuns @shortlady72 @thatonegirluniverse @thatlowkeyhipster @letting-and-living @beauxxxtifullies @catastrafey

Anyone else can participate if they feel like it! Have fun lol. Let's love our great women characters lol.

[cowboyjen68]

can you recommend any good resources for learning how to deal with internalized homophobia? i have a butch lesbian friend who i love dearly but i always say stupid and insensitive things to. i grew up in a very religious home and was pretty sheltered so i just don’t have the vocabulary to speak to her without saying something insensitive. if you could recommend any articles, books, etc. that would be incredibly helpful. thank so much!

I don’t really know any up to date resources that specifically talk about being a better ally to butch lesbians.. I did a google search of “How To Be an Ally to Lesbians” and nothing came up.. it all defaulted to LGBT or specifically Trans allyship. Some of these same ideas may or may not apply. So I am going to give you some of the points I use when speaking to people who want to help and be better friends to their Lesbian friends and family. 

 Internalized homophobia is a term that refers specifically to the feelings that LGBT people have inside of them. Self hatred or disgust can be big and noisy in our heads.Subtle things that seep in from society can be less obvious but consistent.. things like we feel predatory when we are attracted to women or “we are just like men” if we are butch. Or “Lesbians are perverted”. So your issue is not internalized homophobia but more of a lack of knowledge on language and a lack of insight about the struggles of being a lesbian.

First..don’t feel bad. You don’t live in our world and there is no way to expect you would know our language or cues or how we function in the world.A lot of ldbt people forget.. most of the population does not live in our “gay” bubble. So meeting people where they are is important if we are to bridge the gap and gain allies not enemies.

So you are to be commended on the hardest step.. wanting and seeking to be better. 

Specifically for lesbians. Talk with your friend. Ask her if she uses lesbian and butch… ask her what those mean to her.  

Contrary to the tumblr line “it is not our job to educate”   It pretty much is.. if not us than who? Of course we can say “google it, not my job” but that is a road to incorrect information and misunderstandings.Personal stories are the best way to make allies and educate others.

Be kind to yourself.. allow yourself forgiveness for making mistake.. and if your friend is a friend at all she should be able to do the same. IF she is constantly offended or rude when you are showing good intentions, consider if there is worth in that relationship.

Don’t assume we want to meet every other lesbian (or that we know them.. I mean we might) but ask. 

Butches are  not men. Butch women are very much women. 

Butchness is internal and natural we are not performing it..and clothes and hair cuts help express ourselves but we are butch no matter the outfit or hair. We cannot take off our masculinity like hiking boots.

Don’t use words like queer or dyke or bull dagger to describe us unless we have let you know that is a term we prefer. 

Ask your friend which lesbian flag she prefers and why. Let her tell you some of her personal feelings about that. 

If you are close enough to crack some jokes.. I have big sense of humor about being a lesbian  but not every one does. Avoid jokes that demean women. Avoid jokes with slurs. 

Talk with her..ask what is nice of you to say (does she mind cute or prefer handsome when telling her she looks good). Lesbian culture is wide and varied but talking with your friend is the best way to find out what works and what doesn’t then do the best you can going forward. If you are corrected, apologize and move on. Don’t make excuses or say you are sorry over and over.. once and move on is plenty. 

If you have some specific things you have questions about.. I am glad to address them.

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

I'm glad we are talking more about "gay genders" and the way that being LG can often produce genderweird experiences, which aren't exactly transgender but are also not uncomplicatedly cis. It's always been true, but I'm happy that there's more discussion and visibility.

But team, the next step is absolutely to consider bisexual people. We are comfortable seeing cis[ish] gay men and women embrace these complicated gender places, it kinda figures, it makes sense, it feels organic. But why shouldn't this be equally true of bisexual people? (It's because on some level, we are seen as essentially straight, as straight people who sometimes have same-sex relationships)

there's no real reason why, if we accept that gay people often develop ideosyncratic genders, that bi people wouldn't too. Possibly, the gaygenders of bisexual people would be even more peculiar, because they are passing through straight and gay spaces, through same and opposite sex relationships, it's super messy.

I've thought before that perhaps we might understand the development of genderqueer, non-binary, agender identities as a bisexual thing. This isn't to erase people with those identities who are monosexual; but I guess I would like to survey how many "straight in every possible way except my gender" people are in these communities, because I suspect it's...very few. On the other hand, I think both bisexuality and asexuality would absolutely predict people who grow up watching gender on the television, and thinking "I'm not really any of these genders". Or, in reverse, I think being non-binary or genderqueer would predict people who can't exactly say whether they are gay or straight, and who would grow up watching gender on television thinking "I have no idea how I fit into any of these relationship structures".

And some partial evidence for this is looking at bisexual community heroes - Bowie, Prince, Janelle Monae, Lady Gaga, Annie Lennox - and observing that not only are they all subverting gender, they're doing it in similar ways, they're part of a recognisable bi genderweird tradition. This includes being kinda circumspect about whether or not they are gay while giving off gay vibes; artificiality and theatricality, but not quite in a camp way; and gender non-conformity. You've got Bowie and Gaga presenting their bodies as alien/other; you've got Lennox and Monae in suits, but in a very sharp and dapper way - not your traditional comfy/earthy butch, it's far more theatrical; you've got Prince's abundance of gender cues, combining feminine dress and styling with almost parodically heterosexual lyrics.

Gaga draws from drag culture, and I think you could also understand Monae as a drag queen (but both of these are gay male artforms). Gaga makes explicit reference in Telephone to the rumours that she is is a man (that people are making assumptions about her gendered body; but this is transmisogynist). Gaga is out as bisexual; she's a cis woman (as far as we know), but her stage persona is being understood as similar to a trans woman, or similar to a gay man. We aren't able to find words for where we place her gender and sexuality, because we aren't recognising that this mess of gender cues...could be a bisexual gender thing. Monae is non-binary, and has written het songs and sapphic songs and a stomping bi anthem. But, for the longest period of time, wasn't putting a label on any of this, aside from that one song about how "I want to be a queer/queen". Queen, of course, being another male-pattern-gay community term. Being a "no labels bisexual" isn't necessarily internalised biphobia or a superiority complex; it can reflect a genuine feeling of vagueness and uncertainty about where to plant your flag. A vagueness which is perhaps inextricable from an equally vague sense of how to fit into a binary gender. Meanwhile, Lennox is heavily involved in AIDS activism. She's clearly identified gay and bisexual men as "her tribe".

Lennox and Prince - who, as far as we know, are straight - but they seem pretty gay - and isn't that the bi experience in a nutshell, isn't that part of their appeal for specifically bisexual audiences? All five performers are characterised by...being simultaneously very out and very closeted. Again, I think that's relatable: a profound desire to be visible, but also a lack of certainty/confidence/ability to define what kind of queer you are. Bisexuality is inherently mute: you are assumed to be what you appear to be. Should we be surprised, then, if bisexual genders seem to take the pattern of "I don't know what I am or where I fit - and neither will you"

So I don't know whether I have the evidence to argue this, but I do think there's an...afab bisexual gender which is blending cues which say "I am a gay woman" and "I am a gay man", or rather, "I am a queer person, and queerness is indivisible from who I am, and so I see myself in queer people who date women and in queer people who date men". And that we should not be at all surprised or disdainful or judgemental or gatekeeping to see bisexual and genderqueer people L existing in this "I'm simultaneously L, G, B and T" place. That's the reality of having a gender/sexuality that never really fits anywhere, which can never really be visible or articulated as it's own thing. One knows one is queer, one reaches for whatever representation and visibility one can get, and it's a magpie gender.

(I don't have any evidence of the opposite dynamic, of bi men being very into lesbian culture or identification or modes of behavior. Perhaps this is a counter argument. But you often can't map the experiences of queer men and queer women neatly together (gay ones, transgender ones...), so maybe this is another example of that. But I would not be surprised at all to find out that femme bi men were into butches, for example.)

CONCLUSION: it is intuitively correct to me that bisexual people would experience genderweird as part of their bisexuality, just as many gay people do. I have some theories about what these genders might look like, but I want to emphasise that I don't think they are objectively correct (there are non-bisexual people in the gender spaces in describe; and I would not dream of beginning to try and gatekeep them as bisexual-exclusive). At the same time, I think it would be politically valuable and personally helpful to bisexual people to develop a sense that bisexual genders exist; that they can be a source of pride rather than embarrassment; that our genders aren't just a mimicry of gaygenders or straight ones but can have characteristically bi elements and be part of a bi tradition; to have confidence and joy in the ways our genders don't fit neatly into straight or gay frameworks, and that we might have additional needs in relationships to affirm our gender place; that being bisexual might bring on actual dysphoria, that being bisexual might bring on things which makes neither cis nor trans frameworks a fit for you...and all that jazz. Bi people may very well develop genderweird that is similar or indistinguishable from gay genderweird; but also produce unique genderweirds of our own.

TL;RDR: being bisexual can produce genderweird, just as being gay does. We should assert this more confidently. It might produce uniquely bisexual genders. We should explore and document these possibilities. We shouldn't do this with a goal to be an asshole to others, because gatekeeping things helps nobody.

[theficpusher]

I am on my way, can't stop me now, and you can do the same by SilverShadow1 | E | 1014 “Oh, I almost forgot!” He heard Niall snort as he took his pin out of his pocket and placed it on his shirt. It read: Fuck You, I’m Gay. “Understated,” said Niall, dryly. Harry elbowed him. “Shut it, I like it. I’m here and I’m queer and anyone who doesn’t like it can bite me.” OR Harry and Niall go to Pride and make friends with Louis and Liam.

Glad to be Gay by Stria | T | 2667 It's the same old story all over the world When a boy meets a boy and a girl meets a girl We all come together cos we're happy to say It's a natural fact that it's good to be gay [Or, it's the 80s. Harry and Louis are together.]

Kiss the Boys by FallingLikeThis | E | 8281 “Being able to blatantly kiss pretty boys out in the open is my favorite part of Pride,” Harry says without preamble, leaning into Louis’ space, inviting pink lips quirking up as they get closer to him. “You up for it?” “Um,” Louis glances at Zayn for help. He’d thought for sure after the way he’d just seen Zayn and Harry kissing, there had to be something more going on there. The last thing Louis expects to see on Zayn’s face is a knowing grin. Harry leans closer and for a split-second, Louis wants to meet him halfway but then he thinks better of it. He doesn’t know the landscape here and in just a couple of weeks living with him, he’s already learned that Zayn is really bad about holding his feelings in. He doesn’t want to risk stepping on the toes of his closest friend here at Uni. So, at the last second, Louis raises his empty hand and covers Harry’s mouth before the boy can complete his mission. “Sorry, Curly,” Louis says jokingly, “I just don’t know where that mouth has been.”

Prelude to Forever by AlwaysAqua | M | 13503 @StylinHarry: So I kinda fell for a boy yesterday at #ChiPride. Kissed & fireworks went off. Literally. He’s a drama teacher. Goes by “Louis” but I prefer Sunshine. Very pretty. The prettiest. Got separated & I’m a fucking idiot who forgot to get his number. Anyone know him? #helpfindsunshine Or, Louis and Harry meet at Pride in Chicago and spend the day falling for each other before getting accidentally separated.

Let The Boys All Sing And The Boys All Shout For Tomorrow by Lunarrua | M | 18429 It's February 1988. Thatcher is in power. There's a new drug sweeping through the clubbing scene. In Manchester, it's the eve of a major protest and a new musical movement. And when Nick finds Harry looking lost outside his favourite chip shop, it's the start of a weekend that will leave an indelible mark on both their lives.

The Changer and the Changed by homosociallyyours | M | 59496 It’s the spring of 1977 and Harry Styles has just moved to New York City after graduating college. She knows she’s a lesbian. She just needs to figure out how to meet other lesbians. Louis Tomlinson works at a popular women’s bookstore in the Lower East Side, Womon’s Direction, where she spends her days reading feminist literature, writing poetry, exchanging friendly barbs with her boss Niall, and dreaming of finding someone to love. When Harry and Louis meet, their connection is instantaneous. Slowly but surely, Louis welcomes Harry into her community of women. Stonewall veteran and old school butch Niall; Liam, a land dyke who’s moved to the city for love; and Zayn, a lesbian musician who’s been ostracized by a vocal part of women’s community for being trans, welcome Harry with open arms, ready to help her find her place in New York City’s bustling lesbian scene. It’s a time of growth for everyone involved.

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[acesian]

Am I the only one a bit pissed about how this website ignores bi people? Maybe its childish of me but everyone in here loves to talk about gay people and lesbians and us bis are supposed to try and squeeze ourselves in that. Every character has to be gay first and only when they have a straight partner the rest of us have a chance to headcanon. Tumblr really does make me feel like a Gay Lite. Nothing against lesbians and gay people I'm glad for them but I want to feel good about my sexuality too

it’s…. a complicated issue imo

like yeah, I definitely think there’s some bi erasure on this site. I’ve seen a couple of blogs (run by TERFs, mind you) that explicitly exclude bi people, even if the blog’s main focus is on issues we all face. bi erasure is one of the reasons I don’t like to use the terms “gay attraction/couple/relationship” and “straight attraction/couple/relationship” to describe myself. 

knowing that there was a “bi discourse” fairly recently does not make me feel comfortable, either. (and some things are still being debated, like whether bi women can use butch/femme/d*ke, whether pansexuality is biphobic, whether we can use the term “monosexual”, etc.) I still have seen posts from people complaining about bisexuals talking about their partner if the relationship doesn’t fit their standards. (in line with this, there was that one screenshot from instagram of the queer couple that was made fun of for “looking straight”)

I’m also very tired of seeing all the bi posts that are like “I’m bi but I wish I wasn’t attracted to men”. It makes me feel like I have to put down one type of my attractions to be accepted into the lgbtq+ community. (also why I dislike the “lgbt is sga and trans” definition, because it feels like I’m only in here because I’m “half gay”. not to mention that it leaves out the issues m-spec people face for being m-spec itself)

so yeah, I do sometimes feel like there’s a lot of restrictions on how we’re allowed to talk about our bisexuality.

however, I think you may want to check up on who you’re following. since there’s so many users on this site, I think you could probably find more bi friendly blogs. for the fandoms that I’m interested in, I haven’t really had issues with the headcanons because the blogs I follow aren’t like that. (and I don’t go into the tags too often.) it’s a shame that we do have to make sure blogs aren’t biphobic, but that’s a problem with biphobes.

I also wonder if lesbians and gay men have different forms of expressing themselves than bi people. like, I’ve seen a lot of jokes about “x person [thor] being a lesbian icon”, while I’ve seen more “puns are bi culture” from our community. obviously lesbians and gay men aren’t to blame for being more visible, but these differences could affect our perceptions.

anyway, you aren’t “gay lite”, being bisexual is a wonderful and good thing, and I hope you find more people who support you and of your bisexuality. 

[csykora]

I wanted to say this in a way that isn’t directed at anyone, but at this point I also very much want to say it. I want it to be out there for other people to know and hold.

Here’s where my metaphor breaks down. There are ways to judge the relative value of goalies’ skill, and there is no way to judge the value of women. The backup also doesn’t need to be lifted up, and trans* voices do.

I’d also like to say I’m baseline vaguely terrified of what’s going to happen if I write about this. So I’m asking that if you feel like reading it, and then it doesn’t feel at all familiar or true or worth considering in the future, just nod and say, “huh, that’s someone else’s life” and move on. These are mostly personal thoughts that I want to get out and would also kind of like other people to have the chance to see and consider, but if you’d like to respond, I’d probably be happy to chat. I’m not going to debate the basic premises, though.

Trans*misogyny isn’t bad because it exists in “The Lesbian Community”, it’s bad because it’s trans*misogyny. (It exists, and sucks, in other communities too, but right now I’m focusing on a particular thing that happens here a lot.) The problem is that trans*misogynist ideas managed to creep into strongholds of certain lesbian communities, without other corners of the community agreeing, managed to co-opt the language and imagery of lesbian pride, and have been able to grab hold of a particularly strong voice in the larger queer and feminist communities.

The existence of trans*misogyny within certain communities is not individual women’s or feminists’ or lesbians’ fault. It’s not an individual woman’s fault that when she uses the language of WLW pride, I have to doublecheck how she defines “women” and whether I’m going to be physically safe around her. And it’s not her fault that WLW are a majority in the queer community, and so I have to be on guard against this particular problem a lot of the time.

I know a lot of women in this fandom are in college and pretty new to being out and loud and having a lot of fun, and that’s great. What I wish I could encourage individual women to do, in addition to sharing their own pride, is to start looking around at who’s in the room a little more closely. See who is and isn’t speaking, and hold onto that knowledge for a bit, what it might be like for the person who doesn’t have anyone else like them.

I’m not going to talk about the open, active rhetoric here right now, or even the types of assumptions I often see people in the fandom making. I’m just talking about one thing that’s weird, and real, and sometimes hurts a fair bit, and that feels entirely changeable but that I have no power to change.

Athletics are pretty damn embodied. I post about my body, and implicitly about what it’s like when I walk into the room, a lot. And I get a lot of replies from people who identify as wlw in their url, their header, and in their messages, saying things like,

‘I wish I could build muscle like that so I could look more butch.’ 

or,

‘male athletes are dumb and misogynist. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with them and my women’s team was really supportive when I told them I’m a lesbian.’

Each of which are well-meant. (Well, I will not agree with the use of intelligence-based insults, but I understand where other people are coming from). But ladies. Gentlewomen. Cowgirls and butches. I want you to kind of just be conscious that I’m getting these messages from dozens of you, and daily.

I have never gotten a response from another trans* or intersex or physically GNC person saying, “I have to deal with that too!” 

And I can count the number of, “huh, I don’t have to deal with that, but that’s interesting” messages I’ve gotten on one hand. 

Each message is coming from an individual voice. But because of the relative numbers, they add up to a chorus that can make it pretty difficult to hear if anyone else is talking about what I am, and it starts to get hard to hear myself.

The fact that you have a loving community in athletics is awesome. Sometimes, in some places, there are some ways of talking about it that can throw into sharp relief that some of us don’t. “Talking about your life, joyously, in your own space” can slide into “talking about it at me, and over me,” or just, “talking about it when it would be lovely and helpful to acknowledge someone else’s life right now.”

What I see in my inbox reinforces the narrative that lesbian women have a claim and a natural place in sports, and I don’t. That my body and my thoughts are worth something when they’re Relatable, and not worth acknowledging when I’m different. That if I want to belong and be respected, well, I should give up my complicated attachment to Men’s athletic spaces and easily jump to Women’s, just erase that pesky trans* part and my history. (Okay, I get that less now that I primarily write about NHL hockey, but it’s still a narrative I see in fandom and very much run into in real life.)

That, the whole situation, hurts. I kind of want to know what it occurs to people to do when I say, “here’s a thing that hurts.” I’m not saying, “don’t reply to my posts” or “don’t be proud” or “you personally are Bad and responsible.” I’m saying this is a team sport and it’s hard to play it alone, but right now some of us are.

[laundryandtaxes]

hey, i hope this isnt too invasive but im struggling w my identity and id like ur persepctive. how did you know u were a butch lesbian and not a transman? im attached to my lesbian identity and my relationship to womanhood but i also often feel dysphoric and want top surgery. how do i reconcile these things that i feel are diametrically opposed? how do i know i am a butch lesbian vs a transmasc nb lesbian person?

Thank you for sending this message and reaching out- I know it can be hard to talk about, I’ve been there myself as someone who disidentified for several years, and I’m glad you reached out to talk about it rather than hold it in. Just to get this out of the way, I don’t think these things are diametrically opposed at all.

The first thing I think you should consider is whether you really consider womanhood an option. I know that sounds a bit silly but so many of us absolutely did not realize it was actually, really, physically possible to grow old as women, to have sex as women, to have friends as women, because so many of us either had no friends like us or, in many cases, had friends like us only to see absolutely all of them stop identifying as women. I think there are a number of forces pushing in the direction of disidentification- it is hard to be a gnc girl and this leads to many of us not having solid senses of self as adults, it is hard to not see anyone who looks like you want to claim community with you specifically as women and this can make you feel like you literally are not real, it is just materially more appealing to be perceived as a non gnc man than a gnc woman and if you can pass 100% of the time it’s an appealing option because it means a better paycheck and safety when you walk down the street and so on, it hurts when your friends literally don’t treat you like they treat other women, and in many queer circles right now it is popular for people to straight up either ask when you’re transitioning or tell you that being a boring cis woman is regressive and not even possible if you see yourself as masculine, and the proper thing to do is to at least change your pronouns and pick up a gender identity that’s not regressive. This is a really confusing mixture of social impulses and material impulses, but I don’t think that we should always see the drive to disidentify as an individual decision with no social input having happened- there are lots of forces that make a lot of us, butch women especially, give up on a womanhood which people keep telling us we are doing wrong. So I would ask yourself what you think there is about women that means you can’t be one- there’s nothing wrong with being a woman who isn’t feminine, or even a woman like myself who primarily sees herself as a masculine person, and I think perhaps more now than ever we all need to at least be told that this in an option.

The second thing I think you should consider is what those terms mean to you and I think you should understand that none of them have one agreed upon definition. The way that I see myself is absolutely the same as how some people who identify as transmasc see themselves, down to my experiences with dysphoria, and honestly I have had conversations with more than one trans man who’ve told me our experiences and senses of self are more similar than different . I think the idea that you’re obligated to pick a term and then, if you should happen to pick the wrong one, you’re suddenly cut off from any community with women and lesbians is stupid and cruel. I think it is cruel to call straight trans men lesbians en masse but it is undeniable that there have always been and will always be trans men who still see themselves as very connected to women, who see themselves as living a certain kind of lesbian experience, etc- and the drive among those people to retain communities that have brought them up is not nasty male predatory behavior, it’s a desire to keep community with people they see as similar and important to them, and that’s fine. So this whole issue of picking the wrong term and then being shunned by lesbian communities of course has some basis- if you plan to date other lesbians then transition will shorten your options because there will likely be physical changes and social changes that most lesbians are just not going to be comfortable with, whether that is calling you her boyfriend or you growing facial hair, whether you see yourself as living a kind of lesbian experience or not- but when it comes to just retaining friendships and friend circles and not pretending you don’t relate to butch writing anymore, I don’t think that is a predicament you should be facing at all. Culturally, you probably will right now and that’s sad and unfortunate and I think encourages people to draw lines along identity politics rather than who you feel to be your people. But as far as I’m concerned, if lesbians are your people then we’re just you’re people and that’s that, and that space is generally there in some capacity if you want to claim it. But really the primary differences between myself and a “transmasc nb lesbian person” are literally just the terms we pick to describe ourselves (which is minimally important to me personally) and, in some cases, transition itself. To be perfectly clear though, I don’t believe there are hard lines between terms that refer to gender identity anyway- they’re terms that make us comfortable or uncomfortable, but one experience can go by a million names and you never know except by talking to individual people. If you want to call yourself an nb lesbian that’s totally fine, just know that your experiences are shared by lots of women who just call themseves butches and that you can have community there if you want it.

And then, lastly, I don’t think transition (social or physical) is a worst case scenario at all, or something you should see as a last ditch effort. It will come with its own set of challenges but honestly you’ve already faced many of those challenges as a gnc woman, and the others you should hopefully find communities of other people to help you out. In some communities, you will certainly be pushed away if you start seeing yourself as trans in some way due to concerns about you suddenly becoming a totally different person who wants to infiltrate women’s spaces. I think that’s stupid and, ironically, transphobic in its implication than transition will somehow make you a worse person than before. But in many communities, you will absolutely not be pushed away and I don’t think you should be. This is a matter of your comfort and your health, and I hope the women around you respect that.

This got long, sorry, but I wanted to give you a full answer because I’ve been there myself and didn’t call myself a woman for several years (I know almost no butches who didn’t disidentify at some point, including some who either transitioned and then stopped or are just living stealth as men still while reidentifying because that’s the cleanest option for them) and I think this sentiment is really common among us for right now, but really all I needed to read and respond to is “im attached to my lesbian identity and my relationship to womanhood” because that’s it, then! No matter what you call yourself I’ll consider you a sister or sibling of mine in some capacity, but I want to stress that there is nothing about you that is not true or cannot be true of at least some women, and if you want space here, which you just told me, it is here for you whether you’re dysphoric or end up choosing top surgery or whatever. If you know that your people are here then I’m quite happy to have you as one of us, whatever that means to you and whatever makes that easier for you. I honestly get the feeling that, like many of us, you are asking for permission to hold space with other women and other lesbians, and you absolutely have it. Much love your way, and keep in touch somehow!

[rustbeltjessie]

“Have you heard?”      That’s what my straight family members kept asking me when the news broke about the Pulse shooting.

“Have you heard?”      Of course I’d heard.      It was the first thing I’d seen when I’d logged onto Facebook that morning.

“Have you heard?”      I’d felt it, woken in the night in a cold sweat with a fist-sized knot in my stomach, right around the time all those people were massacred.      Woke almost screaming: “We have to get out!”      I didn’t know who we were or where we had to get out of, but I felt it.      Some astral connection to the rift that violence created in the world.      I couldn’t fall back to sleep. “Have you heard?”      For days beforehand, my head had already been filled with other traumas.      The Stanford case--a reminder that survivors are never believed, and that if your rapist is a wealthy white boy, he will get away with nothing more than a slap on the wrist.      Amber Heard--a reminder that if you’re bisexual that will be used against you, and that everyone will come to the defense of your abuser because he was in some movies they liked.      Christina Grimmie--a reminder that you could be there, meeting your fans after singing your songs, and someone could just decide to take your life.      And then the Pulse shooting--a reminder that you could be in a place that is supposed to be safe for you, a place where you can celebrate both your queerness and your culture, and someone could be so full of hate that they decide to take your life and the lives of your friends and lovers and family members.

“Have you heard?”      Of course I’d heard. Of course I knew. It was just one more reminder that people like me--women, femmes, queer and genderqueer folks, mentally ill people--are not safe in this world. One more reminder that people like some people I love very much--people of color, trans women, trans women of color, LGBTQ people of color, more outwardly gender non-conforming people, physically disabled people--are even less safe than I am.

“Have you heard?”      Yes. I’d heard. And I didn’t want to talk about it with them--my straight family members, my straight cis dude partner. No matter how well-meaning they might be, there’s no way they could have understood what I was feeling, the mix of terror, rage, and grief roiling in my guts.

***

At Milwaukee Pridefest, no one asked me if I’d heard. We didn’t even talk about it. We didn’t have to, because it was everywhere. There were messages in multi-colored chalk written just inside the gates: We love you Orlando. We are Orlando. I’ll never forget. Say their names. Words that couldn’t express the depth of what we were feeling, but we wrote them anyway, adorned them with hearts and rainbows, because we had to do something. There was a shrine set up, too--more words of grief and prayer written on scraps of paper, kept from blowing out across the lake by roses (both real and silk) in all colors of the rainbow and novena candles in white and red and gold, some in plain glass, others printed with images of Jesus and La Virgen de Guadalupe and various saints. It was everywhere. It was written on our faces, that flick of fear and sadness in our eyes that couldn’t be masked by glitter or smiles.

(Fear and trauma create such powerful cognitive dissonance. Before we could go through the gates, we had to have our bags and boxes x-rayed and our bodies wanded, just like you do when going through security at an airport. I thought of the Pulse shooting and the man who had tried to get explosives and guns into the L.A. Pride parade, and I thought: I’m glad security is so tight here. I feel safer. Immediately afterward I thought: Wait. No. Fuck. Tighter security and policing only makes the most marginalized among us less safe. I don’t want to see cops waving rainbow flags. I want to build a world without cops.)

Yes, the fear and sadness were there, but so were beauty and fierceness. There were short butches with their arms wrapped around their tall femme girlfriends; there were older gay men who may have lived through the AIDS crisis, who brought with them long histories of loss and strength. There were people with curvy hips and flat chests and shaved heads, people with beards and skirts and lipstick. There was a black drag queen in a sequined gown, followed by an entourage of giggling black girls with gold glitter on their faces and fairy wings on their backs. The bathrooms all had signs that said things like: This bathroom is for all genders or This bathroom has been liberated from the gender binary. And there were us poets and performers and workers at the Wominz Spot stage--black and brown and white, fat and skinny and in-between, butch and femme and genderqueer, playing accordions and drums or dancing burlesque or speaking our truths, serving drinks or working the soundboard. All of us so beautiful and strong I could hardly stand it. I love us, I thought. I love us so much.

I wanted to cry a few times during the Spoken Word Showcase. I got a lump in my throat when Destinny Fletcher read her poem “The Children’s Garden,” a poem about the beauty of Milwaukee and the freedom of childhood and how that gets ripped away by violence against black boys, by death and loss. I nearly cried during my final poem, the one I wrote after/for Diane di Prima, almost a decade ago. My voice cracked as I said: “...women are still raped, beaten, killed,” and again as I said: “...work toward the day when love and sex won’t have to be a political act.” I held it together, because I knew that if I opened the floodgates I wouldn’t be able to close them back up. I looked at the lake shimmering in the distance, sipped my whiskey and lemonade, let the breeze caress my arms.      I held back my tears, but other parts of my body had other ideas about release. As I stood on the small stage, I felt a clench below my abdomen, then something warm and sticky on my thighs. Afterward, I ducked into one of the all-gender bathrooms, and sure enough, my period had started. There I was in an all-gender bathroom at Pridefest, trying to clean the menstrual blood off the boy-cut undies which I had on under my ripped fishnets, which were on under my black sundress. I smiled at the bizarre poetry of that, the weirdly perfect representation of my gender/queerness that the universe decided to throw my way.

Blondie was the headlining act that night, and that, too, was synchronous--a decade ago, someone called me The Debbie Harry of Poetry. I thought of staying to see them, but I had no one to hang out with--the friend I was supposed to meet up with had bailed a couple hours earlier. I thought about staying anyway, singing along to songs I’ve loved since I was a child, spending a few more hours surrounded by my beautiful strong queer kin--but I was exhausted, and I wanted to get home so I could start writing down the thoughts I was having, and so I could drink without having to drive anywhere afterward.      I let the tears out on my way home, cried while driving south on Highway 32 with the windows down, listening to Debbie Harry sing: I’m not the kinda girl who gives up just like that.

-Jessie Lynn McMains, from Reckless Chants #23: What Cannot Be Said (available for purchase here)

[loveisofthebody-blog]

Regarding recent history in queer fiction

I’m writing because of a book I read that isn’t young adult fiction. Sort of. It’s not going to take the form of my normal reviews, either. What is this blog even.

So: Lost Boi by Sassafras Lowrey. It’s a queer and trans contemporary (??) retelling of Peter Pan. I read another similar title earlier this year, Peter Darling by Austin Chant. Piracy and maritime radicalism and their intersections with queer identity and politics are on my mind these days, so it’s no surprise I was itching to read them both. Neither was published for a teen audience: Peter Darling imagines an aged Pan/Hook pairing; Lost Boi is largely about teenagers and young adults, but it’s also BDSM erotica so it’s sold in the adult market. Peter Darling I enjoyed but am not going to write about much: it was a very enjoyable romance novella, with a lovely metafictional bent. I’d skip a review of Lost Boi, but I have Feelings about it, for one, and also there are actual queer and trans teenagers out there who are into BDSM etc who might feel like picking this up even if it’s not being advertised to them.

I’m going to show my age here. For folks who were in or around far-left lesbian social circles in the early-2000s, this approach to queer community is going to be extremely, maybe painfully, familiar. I think this is a less-common thing now (god I hope so) but back in the day TERF-and-adjacent feminist ideology was rampant in the lesbian scene. Trans women and other AMAB trans folks were ignored or derided outright. Butch/femme was sometimes obnoxiously rigid. Trans men were considered extra-butch lesbians, and thus were fetishized without being respected (bois rather than men, etc). It was a dark time for some of us, and at the same time it was a part of our queer history and a lot of us lived through (and grew out of) it.

There’s no indication of the year in which Lost Boi is set, so even though there’s no reason it couldn’t be 2016, it feels like 2003 to me. Probably because its social world is comparable to my own 2003. There are queer open mic slam poetry nights at cafes, grimy queer/trans kids (almost all of them AFAB) dumpster diving and arguing about veganism and ignoring each other’s substance abuse problems. TMI, probably, but oh well. I can’t tell if this is nostalgia or not. I can’t tell if this is historical fiction, or if Lowry never left that subculture that fit so many of us so poorly. It feels like the latter.

Regardless, Lowrey’s not a teenager. Ze’s an adult writer who is likely writing about hir youth. And this is something I see frequently in teen fiction. Sometimes it’s done explicitly, like in Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. Sometimes it’s done clumsily, as in instances where teens in an apparent 2016 are still religiously devoted to U2 or Elliott Smith or Tupac or whatever (yes these are callouts, but they are mostly benign idiosyncrasies). But in instances like this, when a historical setting is not explicitly stated, and is implied not by its more nitpicky cultural artifacts (there continue to be collectives of crusty queer and trans punk kids and I continue to know and occasionally hang out with them) but by its gender politics, which are never interrogated at all, I feel a little bit testy.

Lowrey is obviously not interested in conventional morality. Hir BDSM scenes (“battles” in the parlance of the Lost Bois) are poorly negotiated, if at all, and often include extremely sketchy age-disparities. There’s a part of hir unwashed decadence that I can’t help but admire. But at the end of the day it feels like a glorification of a time I’m very glad has passed, and can’t help but wonder how it would be read by a younger person who hasn’t lived through that scene. Whether a young trans reader would feel the same alienation that I and many of my friends did back before we knew there was an alternative. As a (comparatively) older trans reader, I certainly finished the book with a sour taste in my mouth.

Tell me your feelings! Older folks and younger ones: the politics and rhetoric of gender and sexuality change so quickly that this becomes a really interesting question. Do these inconsistencies grate on you? Are younger readers able to recognize old and likely-outdated ideas when presented in an ostensibly contemporary context? Did you read this? Shout at me!

[emilyjanestuff]

So when/how did you know you were trans? Part Two

Trigger Warning for suicidal thoughts, isolation, loneliness, biphobia and self harm.

Primary School had its ups and downs, some good things and some challenges. But Secondary school was awful. I wasn’t just unhappy like everyone claims to be in Secondary Schools. Rather I was extremely dysphoric and depressed. At times I would even self harm and was suicidal. But I didn’t talk about any of this for a long time. I internalized everything I was going through and everything I was feeling. Why didn’t I seek help? Because I had no way to say what was inside me.

I knew what the word transgender was by now but it wasn’t something I had applied to myself yet. Well without further a do lets start from the start. Which is in the way starting from the end: Leaving Primary School. When starting at Secondary School I remember thinking it was time for a new start. I remember being excited at first. But the first thing that went wrong was when I learned sports were compulsory. I felt shocked when I heard that. I had said I didn’t want to go to a school where I had to play sports. Secondly while I hadn’t wanted to go to an all boy school I had gone along with it because I was told I was going to a good school.

The second time I can remember of experiencing  real and strong dislike for my body become more and more masculine after my voice changing happened after P.E. class. I was thirteen and one of the boys in the class saw that I had started to grow a facial hair. He thought it was cool, they all did. But I freaked out. I ran into the bathroom and pulled the hair out with a pair of tweezers. Every other boy in my school enjoyed the idea of getting taller, bigger and more hairy. I hated it but didn’t know why. In the end I suppressed such feelings deep down. I buried them. I didn’t know what else to do with them.

To be fair in many ways the school was a good but it was not the right school for me. I hated sports of any kind as a kid and as a teenager. By the end of my first year I had stopped being part of the sport and the school had stopped trying to make me. I spent six year at that school. Why that particular school? Because it was good for people with learning disabilities. That’s the only reason. So this is where I ended up. I became reclusive and isolated very fast. I disliked the people in the school and would often spend large amounts of time in my room. I would be reading or else I would be on the internet.

Books became my escape. Through them I visited many different worlds and mate many different characters. I read books on every topic and any genre I could get my hands on. It was through books and the internet that I first came across the label bisexual and applied it to myself but later on would redefine my sexuality as gay. The reason for this being that I could never see myself as being with a girl as a guy. I couldn’t see myself taking on that masculine heterosexual role that was well established in my mind. There was also the matter that there was a lot of biphobia both within my school and otherwise. People doubted bisexuals existed especially bisexual boys. So by that strange set of thought patterns I must be gay. To me this explained everything, why I was different to my classmates and felt so isolated. I was the only gay boy in my year. That was why I was so lonely.

The first person I approached about this topic was my school guidance counselor. When I was in third year. It was just after a SPHE class on being gay. We talked about it for a while in her office during which she made me feel a tiny bit better about the subject. It was her who first gave me the idea to ring a gay hotline. So when one afternoon I sat down and called Gay Switchboard Ireland. For the second time I started talking to someone about my feelings around my sexuality. I also started going to an LGBT youth group where I mate other LGBT teenagers and was supported. So a happy ever after right? No, alas things turned out to be more complicated then that.

On meeting gay guys my own age I felt like I wasn’t really one of them either. But alas I kept going to the group. I’m glad I did because it was there I mate other transgender people for the first time. Trans guys, trans girls and non binary people. I also started to make friends at the groups. For the first time since Primary school I was able to function socially.

So where does the word transgender fit into this? I knew what transgender meant by before I went to the youth group so why did I never apply it to myself? The reason for that is actually rather simply. I only had one image of a transgender person in my mind. That being a trans woman who felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body (I really hate that expression). Before transitioning/coming out this woman would have worn women’s cloths in secret, she would have had feminine mannerism, loved the color pink. I didn’t start wearing cloths from the women’s section until I was nineteen after I decided to transition. I certainly wasn’t camp or effeminate. My hair had always been cropped short.

But when I began to meet other trans people I learned that the above story does not fit everyone. Sure it might be true for another trans woman and that’s fine but it wasn’t true for me. From meeting and learning other trans women I learned they could femme, butch, tomboys, writers, hairdressers and mma fighters. That we come from all backgrounds and many different cultures. Two books I read that also helped me along were Whipping Girl by the before mentioned Julia Serano and In Search of Eve by Anne Bolin. I learned the experiences of hating my male development was something known as gender dysphoria and that there was a way out of it: by transitioning.

I came out to my friends and took a new name and pronouns for myself in the youth group.

What did this mean for my sexuality? One of my friends asked me if transitioning now made into a straight girl. All I could say was that I didn’t know. Well at the time I wasn’t really sure but then I met this girl and had my first crush on a girl. This didn’t make me feel like I had to fit into a position I wasn’t. For once. So you might think that I would now identify as bi? No would the answer. I had friends who were bisexual and would often say I was an ally for bi people but not one myself. I instead said I was a lesbian (keeping my past attractions to boys as belonging to a time before I came into my own). Why did I do this? Because I had absorbed a lot of biphobia from a lot of places. I learned these ideas from people in school, my own home and even from other queer people. I just didn’t want to be something that didn’t exist and it took until I was twenty one to realize that it didn’t matter society thought of my existence. My own happiness was more important.

So that is how I knew I am transgender and bisexual and a woman. How old was I ? Seventeen for figuring out I was a trans girl and twenty one for accepting my bisexuality. I hope that answers the question.