#I can do more than I think I can! true! but it requires complete compartmentalisation

[hobisexually]

x

[akillysheel]

TENUOUS. ❜ ( 2 )

Summary:  Kuro asks the important questions before he and Cthugha decide on a starting point for their investigation. Warnings:  N/A. Notes:  N/A

    'I need to think about it.'

    Kuro slouched in his armchair, the events of the morning playing on loop in his head.  After Cthugha's untimely arrival, the Sheriff had taken it upon himself to take the rest of the afternoon off in an attempt to compartmentalise his thoughts.  He seldom ever took breaks, but when he'd emerged from his office as white as a sheet, his colleagues had ultimately pulled the plug on his hopes of remaining at work, advising insistently that he should go home.

    'Fine.  But you just remember, every minute you sit around ruminating about your stupid little life, that's another minute that this girl is missing, and that means it's another minute closer to doomsday too.'

    Could it be true?  Doomsday?  The end of the world?  It sounded to him like the paranoid ravings of a conspiracy nut...  yet he'd spoken with such calm authority, countered every one of the problems he'd had with a rebuttal of his own.  Every one of his questions had an answer;  everything he'd said about Raku  ( at least as far as his limited understanding of Gods was concerned ) was true.

    Mia Vanton's case sat on his lap.  It was a thin file, one that spared details for there hadn't been many to uncover, but in that moment it felt heavy.  Cumbersome.  As if he'd been shackled to the floorboards.

    This thing's been shut since 2001.

    One calloused thumb traced over its front, teasing the corner away from the papers inside.  He really didn't know whether he wanted to look at it or not.  It felt oddly like picking at a scab wound, baring himself to old pain that needn't be revisited.  Did he have it in him to feel as hopeless as he did twenty years ago?

    He grunted as a headache set in. It had steadily been growing for the past two hours, fostered in his brain like a bad habit.

    Is there any point in opening this up again?  Surely if she was to be found, she'd have been found by now.  This year marks the twentieth anniversary of her disappearance.  In two weeks, in fact.

    Was that relevant?  He couldn't help but consider it.  As much as he wanted to push Cthugha's prophecy aside as garbage, the fact was that he was impressed  -  and a little worried.  He knew things that nobody could have known, and deep down he knew that his colleagues wouldn't sell some random kid information.  Huron's task force was known for being small, humble and honest, and it's good service had been a near constant hallmark for the district's deep sense of peace.  There had never been a recorded incidence of internal corruption--  not even with other, less composed Sheriffs in the front seat.

    How else could he have known about Olivia?  About Raku, even.

    The Sheriff let out a deep sigh as he closed his eyes, knowing already what he had to do.

    “I’ve decided t’help y’.”

    “Thank.  God.”   The statement trembled with sarcastic frustration, Cthugha’s cobalt eyes all but grey on account of the storm that had entered them.  He sat in Kuro’s chair, his feet propped up on his desk.  The rubix cube--  the one that had previously been half-completed--  sat in his hands, its coloured faces now perfectly arranged.   “While you were busy jerking off to the end of all life in this realm, I was busy compiling resources that might help us stop it.”   He paused to reach inside of his jacket, retrieving a file of his own, before he dropped it unceremoniously on the desk.   “You’re welcome.”

    “Where were y’keepin’ that…?”

    “Just look at it.”

    Kuro hesitated briefly before dragging the file closer, opening it up to find himself staring at a myriad of newspaper clippings, interview transcripts and photographs.  It was makeshift work, by no means tidy, but the sheer wealth of information was staggering to him.  Even so, as he skimmed over them briefly, he realised that there was nothing there that he didn’t already know.

    Of course there isn’t.  Why would there be?

    I don’t know.  Maybe I assumed he was an agent of God or something.

    “Aside from all that,”   Cthugha started, rising from his commandeered seat.  In what felt like a flash, he’d moved from the desk to the far corner of the room, grabbing a hold of a whiteboard on wheels before reappearing where he had been.  Kuro blinked hard.   “We can rule out all the places you already searched in your previous hunt for her.”   Feverishly, the rifter began to fill the board with haphazard notes.   “That means you don’t have to trawl through Whit’s a second time, nor do you need to bother checking their home or questioning her papa.  He came up clean, remember?”

    “Yeah…  he was so dedicated t’findin’ his daughter that he all but singlehandedly led the search party campaign despite us tellin’ him that it was dangerous.  Had t’bust him outta a few compromisin’ positions fer his efforts...”

    “Exactly.  Also means that the tunnels are a bust too, so you don’t have to waste time trawling through the underground like a family of sewer rats.  Wherever she is, she’s somewhere ya didn’t think to comb through.”   He paused when he found his whiteboard pen beginning to run dry.   “Damn it--”   Much like before, he flickered away, a brief rummaging sound filling the quiet office before he reappeared before the board.   “Okay, so--  here’re all the places you don’t gotta worry about that I can think of off the top of my head.  There’s…  what?  Why’re ya staring at me like that?”

    “How’re y’doin’ that?”

    “You can write too, Kuro.”

    “I mean the…  disappearin’-’n’-reappearin’ thing.  Obviously.”

    “Oh, that.  Yeah, I guess that makes more sense…”   It was the closest to sheepish that he’d seen Cthugha thus far;  a break from his smug attitude was certainly refreshing.   “It’s just a teleportation shtick.  Think of it like…  instead of macro-leaps, I’m performing micro-hops in time.”

     "Huh,"   said Kuro, deciding not to question it.

     In truth, the more they talked about the Vanton case, the more he began to recall.  Kuro seldom ever forgot a victim - even though he'd been the Sheriff of Huron for over three centuries, and a police officer for even longer than that - but he wouldn't say that the details were as long-lasting.  There were simply too many nuances in too many cases--  too much information for him to store everything tightly away.  His brief read over the case file before he'd come back to the office that following morning hadn't helped much either, if only because there hadn't been much for him to garner in the first place.

    "I do have a question though,"   Kuro spoke up as he handed Cthugha a cup of coffee.  He wasn't sure whether he was trying to placate or subdue him.   "... or a couple."

    "Are they constructive?"

    "Maybe.  I mean--  y'mentioned parallel timelines 'n' shit.  Couldn't y'just…  hop into one where I found her 'n' tell me where she is?"

    "Parallel timelines are born out of choices, dummy.  Unless you're admitting that you purposefully didn't find her, that isn't gonna help at all."   A swig of his drink was taken, the rich flavour seeming to soothe his annoyance somewhat.   "Nah.  You're thinking of alternate timelines."

    "Then what about that?"

    "We're not really supposed to dip into those if we can help it.  Definitely a last resort sort of deal.  It creates the possibility for people to run into themselves;  fractures the separation between realities.  Doppelganger action is a one-way ticket to hell for the Universe.  Also the fact that, like parallel timelines, there are MULTITUDES of alternate timelines where everything's the same except one little thing, meaning it'd take a shit-ton of time to comb through 'em all--  most likely more time than we’ve got.  There're several versions of you out there, Kuro, but you're this one.  You should focus on that."

     "This's all real confusin’…"   the Sheriff mumbled, deflating a little.  He was so sure he'd had a good idea under his belt, but hell, what did he really know about the way that reality worked?

    "Mm.  Anything else?"   Cthugha asked tersely, eager to move on.

    "Just one more thing,"   Kuro affirmed, shifting in his place for a moment before deciding that brevity was more favourable than kindness.   "... how does this girl stayin' missin' end the world?  People go missin' all the time.  Some come home, some're found dead.  Some’re never found, yet the world keeps on spinnin’.  's just a cruel fact’a life."

    For the first time since their meeting, Cthugha fell silent.  A harrowing emptiness entered his eyes as he thought about the bleak future that awaited them if they did nothing.  A hazy field of fire, the once clean air ashen and thick.  The destruction spread like cancer, first exploding in Huron before it gradually spread outward.  What was perhaps even more frightening was that the one responsible for it seemed impervious to the herculean effort required to topple a district;  by the time he was done with Huron, he was already looking for a bigger, more developed fish to fry.

    It wasn’t the first time he’d seen the Universe in ruins by far, and he doubted it’d be the last.

    That didn’t mean he was accustomed to seeing it though.

    “Well,”   he said softly, whiteboard pen twirled absentmindedly in between his fingers.   “... let’s just say, grief does things to people.  Do you have any clue who Mia’s father is?”

    Slowly, Kuro squinted.    “Aside from knowin’ his name ‘n’ his daughter’s case?  No.  Should I?”

    “No.  That’s exactly why ya should be worried:  he’s got nothing left to lose.  Do you think he’s going to care about hurting anyone when he’s hurting this much himself?  He’s got no children to provide for;  no public image to protect.  When he loses his mind, he does it for real, and damned’re the consequences, get it?”

    “Got it…”   Kuro muttered.  He knew all too well about people like Mr.Vanton.  While an anonymous existence was ultimately a peaceful one, when crime was brought into the mix, it became a dangerous shield.  Who suspected the nobody?  Nobody, that’s who.   “Then we gotta get movin’.”

    “I have to ask,”   Cthugha started as he stepped towards the chair he’d been sprawled in, reaching for his jacket and shrugging it on.  Now that he had a little time to look over him properly, Kuro noted its strange cyan decals and the symbol that he’d never seen before adorning the right side;  two parallel lines with a small triangle beneath the centre point of the bottom one.  It looked vaguely like a seesaw with two slats on top instead of one.  "What made you change your mind?"

    “Well, I guess I never got over the fact that I couldn’t solve it.  D’y’have any idea how hard it is t’look a parent in the eye ‘n’ tell ‘em that the search fer their child is over?  There was nothin’ else I could do, but I still felt guilty.  I figure, even if yer full’a shit ‘n’ this really is some heartless stunt all fer yer own amusement, I can at least make sure that there really was nothin’ else I could’a done fer the Vantons.”

    The rifter hummed softly as he adjusted his tie.   “Heh.  Ya really are a good person.”

    “Y’had doubt?”

    “Who doesn’t?  Much easier to expose a bad person who’s pretending to be good than to find an actual good person these days.  I guess it’s just an unfortunate byproduct of evolution.”

    “Yer wrong,”   Kuro said firmly, pulling his black coat closed.  The gun at his hip was touched briefly before he pocketed his hand, satisfied that he had everything he needed.   “There’re a lot more good people in the world than bad.  ’s just that the bad leave behind their messes t’clean up.”

    “Well, whatever the truth is, it’s clear we’re dealing with a bad person here, huh?  So, got any bright ideas?”

    Already were the gears in his head turning.  With the compiled notes to aid him, he knew of the place that he wanted to start with.  It may have been a dead end--  wishful thinking more than anything--  but he wouldn’t be able to progress until he knew he’d upturned every stone on this property.   “We should head t’the Valerie Vineyard first.”

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: Forged Through Fire (5/13)

Summary: Amestris. Once democratic, now a military dictatorship. Prohibition is strict; personal freedoms curtailed. All alchemists must be state-licensed or face imprisonment. Foreigners are met with suspicion. It’s a grim place and a grim time, but there are some people able to bring a little light to the world. Behind an innocent-looking bookshop, speakeasy proprietor Chris Mustang has formed an unlikely alliance with unlicensed alchemist Van Hohenheim to provide alcohol to those who want it and medical care to those who need it. When Riza’s newly complete tattoo becomes infected, Roy brings her into this underworld, little knowing the way it will change their lives in the future – uncovering the secrets of the mythical Philosopher’s Stone and the schemes of a Fuhrer hell-bent on achieving immortality, all whilst navigating what they mean to each other.

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Rated: T

[One] [Two] [Three] [Four] [AO3]

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Forged Through Fire

Five

“I’m telling you, there’s something going on that they’re not telling us.”

“Hughes, we live in a military dictatorship and we’re both part of that military, of course there’s something going on that they’re not telling us.”

“I’m not talking about the secret police or the compartmentalising mentality that goes on. I’m talking about something strange and illegal.”

Roy sighed. Hughes had been on about this ever since they had left Central Command earlier in the evening and he really needed a break. At least it made a change from him talking about Gracia. It was far later than either of them had intended to leave Central Command, but an accident at the Third Laboratory had pulled in every available officer to run damage control and prevent whatever had been happening in there getting out to the general public. 

This kind of thing was a common enough occurrence that Roy wasn’t all that worried about it. The alchemy laboratories were always doing something or other. As an alchemist himself, he’d been involved in more than one experiment in there, and honestly, everything that he had seen so far had been very boring and would not have caused any kind of a stir if the public had found out about it. Most of them wouldn’t understand it. Even Roy himself only half-understood it. 

“If it’s the military doing it then it can’t be illegal,” Roy pointed out. “Even if it’s illegal for everyone else, everything that the military does is allowed. You’ve been serving long enough to know that.”

“Maybe illegal was the wrong word. Something strange and… immoral? No, that’s not right either, who in the Amestrian military has morals? Something strange and disturbing, we’ll go with that.”

Roy didn’t respond, because as much as he was trying to block out Hughes’ latest conspiracy theory, he had to admit that his friend did have a point. There had been something about this particular incident that had seemed different, with even the alchemists being shepherded away from it and no one being told the full truth of what was going on. To make matters even stranger, Fuhrer Bradley had turned up to oversee things personally, so naturally everyone was on edge. It was strange for him to leave his ivory tower in Central Command at the best of times, and this really wasn’t the kind of thing that needed his attention. 

Maybe it was a secret science project after all, but a secret science project that involved the Fuhrer really wasn’t one that Roy wanted to know anything about. Bradley wasn’t an alchemist himself, and the laws concerning state registration that he had brought in after he came to power would have fooled a novice into thinking that he wanted to stamp out alchemy altogether, but since joining the military, Roy knew better. Bradley was fascinated by alchemy, and it was clear that all the legislation requiring alchemists to be licensed and all their arrays to be registered was an attempt to harness all of their raw power at his beck and call, as if he couldn’t bear the thought of there being someone out there whose alchemy he did not have access to. 

Roy thought of Hohenheim, living under the radar with his tailor chalk and alkahestry. He’d never asked how old he was, especially since Roy couldn’t remember him ever looking any younger than he did now, but he’d amassed a huge wealth of knowledge over the course of his career, and Roy really didn’t want that ending up in Bradley’s hands. He shuddered at the thought, trying to pull his attention to happier things, but Hughes was still expounding next to him. 

“Do you think it might be part of Project Xerxes?”

“What?”

“Project Xerxes. I told you about it last week.” Hughes gave him an accusatory look. “I don’t know if you were listening though.”

“I might have zoned out at the beginning of the conversation when you were talking about your and Gracia’s interior decorating plans and not zoned back in again.”

Hughes opened his mouth to say something, and since Roy knew that it would be related to the newly-acquired apartment, he cut in quickly. “I’m listening now though, so tell me again.”

“I don’t know anything concrete, it’s just some whispers that I heard when I happened to be passing Bradley’s office and he had all the generals in there.”

Roy sighed. “Did the ‘passing’ involve stopping and listening at the door?”

“Only for a second.” Hughes looked offended by the accusation of eavesdropping however true it was. “Anyway, Project Xerxes is all very hushed up and Tim Marcoh was overseeing it before he died. Or faked his death and escaped to Xing – I’m starting to believe that rumour more and more. It was all being done out of the Fifth Lab.”

“The Fifth Lab doesn’t exist.”

Hughes raised an eyebrow. “Mustang, if you believe that you’re an idiot. Anyway, do you know anything about Xerxes?”

“It’s now mostly desert with some city ruins halfway between here and Xing and it’s supposedly where the Philosopher’s Stone was made.”

“Yeah, that’s about all I know too. But since it’s likely that this is all tied up with alchemy and since the Philosopher’s Stone is the only thing that Xerxes is famous for apart from, you know, suddenly ceasing to exist as a civilisation for no reason, do you think they might be trying to recreate the Philosopher’s Stone?”

“Hughes, if you believe the Philosopher’s Stone exists then you’re an idiot. It’s an alchemical cautionary tale warning us all against experimenting with forces we don’t understand in case we accidentally wipe out the entire country.”

“And the whole elixir of life and transmuting lead into gold thing is just a myth, then?”

“Transmuting lead into gold isn’t hard for a metallurgy alchemist, it’s just not allowed because it would destroy the economy,” Roy pointed out. “Even if we were living in the most equitable and democratic country in the world, transmuting gold still wouldn’t be allowed. And no, I don’t believe in immortality.”

Hughes shook his head. “No, I still think that there’s something going on there.”

They had finally reached the bookshop by this point; the lights were still on, and Roy could just about see Riza sitting at the counter at the back of the shop, bent over a book with Hayate snuggled up on her lap. He smiled at the sight. She’d become part of the furniture around the place so easily after she had moved into the shop last year, and now no one who frequented the speakeasy could imagine it without her. Hayate was a relatively new addition to the extended family, but he was gaining a reputation as a guard dog.

They entered the shop and Roy flipped the closed sign behind him; it was getting towards the time when they would stop letting new customers down into the bar. Instead of going straight through towards Riza and the back room, Hughes vanished off into the shelves.

“Hughes? What are you doing?”

“Research!”

“I swear you must be the only person who actually uses this bookshop as a bookshop. Even Rebecca’s here for the booze more than the books these days. If you’re looking for information on the Philosopher’s Stone I don’t think you’ll find any.”

Hughes shot him a look over his shoulder as he scanned through the worn spines of the books on the shelves. They were still all packed in without any order; Riza had devoted a large chunk of the last year to trying to organise the place to make it look more like a shop and less like a front, but she was still nowhere near through inventorying the entire place. 

“Mustang, if any bookshop in Central is going to have extremely forbidden books in it, then I think the one above a speakeasy is the best bet.”

“I think I’m missing something here.” Riza came over to Roy and they both watched Hughes for a while. “What’s going on?”

“He’s on a mission to prove that the Top Brass are trying to make the Philosopher’s Stone.”

“Right… You know, maybe I shouldn’t have asked. I’m just taking Hayate outside for a pee break, can you hold the fort?”

Roy nodded, unable to help himself watching her leave. 

“I’ve got it! Roy! Roy?”

Hughes came over to him with book in hand and joined him in staring at the door. 

“And you thought I had it bad with Gracia.” He patted Roy’s shoulder. “At least try and ask her out before one of you expires.”

“I’m not! I mean, I don’t, I mean…” Roy gave up; there was no sense in digging the hole he’d got himself into any deeper. Hughes just gave him a knowing smile. 

“You’ve definitely got it bad, Mustang. The worst part is you can’t even see it yourself.”

Roy decided that it was best not to reply to that. He’d been wrestling with his feelings for Riza ever since she’d come back into his life, and Hughes wasn’t making things better. He’d hoped that things would plateau since she moved into the shop and became part of the family, but if anything, seeing her on a regular basis and getting to know her outside of the roles they’d always been in when he’d known her first and foremost as his teacher’s daughter had made things even worse. 

“So, have you found something?”

Riza was back, and she peered over at the book Hughes was holding. 

“Potentially. It’s an old world history and there’s about three sentences on Xerxes. ‘According to local legend the country was destroyed in an alchemic explosion that resulted in the creation of the Philosopher’s Stone, a large red rock resembling a ruby that was then later taken to Xing by merchants travelling home from the outpost that would become Amestris.’ So, that tells us nothing. What is it with missing things ending up in Xing? First Tim Marcoh, now the Philosopher’s Stone.”

“I think you might be clutching at straws here, Hughes.” Roy shook his head in despair. “Let’s go down. Are you coming, Riza? Most of the gang should be there, although Falman got stuck with all the paperwork and Breda said he had other plans, so you can bring Hayate.” The memory of Breda vaulting over the bar to hide the first time he’d met Hayate would forever be a fond one in Roy’s mind. 

“All right.” Riza locked up and followed them down into the bar, switching off the shop lights as she went. She’d become part of their crew easily even though she wasn’t military herself.

Armstrong waved them over as they came in, not that they really needed any indication as to where the group was sitting when he was in the bar. 

“Good to see you among us, Riza. It’s Havoc’s round…”

“What? No it’s not!”

“… What can he get you?”

Havoc groaned and got up, taking everyone’s orders as Roy, Hughes and Riza squeezed in around the table. The conversation soon turned back to the mysterious events at the Third Laboratory and Bradley’s sinister presence there. Hughes’ theory received mixed reception, but the general consensus, one that Roy would admit to sharing, was ‘don’t put anything past Bradley and the Top Brass’. 

Throughout the evening, Roy found himself very aware of Riza’s presence next to him. It was hardly the first time that they had all shared a drink together, sighing over the paradox of them being military officers in an illegal bar as proof that prohibition was a terrible idea, and it was hardly the first time that Roy had been very aware of Riza, whether she was next to him or not. The difference this time was Hughes’ words to him from earlier. 

Would there ever be a good time to ask her out? When it came down to it, he wanted to, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he really didn’t think he should want to. He was reminded of it again when the talk finally moved away from military conspiracies and ended up in the direction of general gossip, everyone asking when they were going to meet Havoc’s new girlfriend. (Since Roy knew that Riza had recently introduced Rebecca to Havoc, he got the feeling that they had all already met Havoc’s new girlfriend and just hadn’t realised yet.)

Hughes really wasn’t helping on that score, especially not when the night began to draw to a close and he started ushering everyone out of the bar under the shoddy excuse that they all had to work tomorrow. Roy knew that he was trying to leave him and Riza alone together in the hope of something happening. Unfortunately, Riza also knew that. Once they were the only ones left at the table, she gave a soft huff of laughter.

“Say what you will about Hughes, he’s not at all subtle.”

“No, he’s always been more the ‘smack you round the head with a brick’ type, which is ironic considering we have Armstrong in our circle of friends. Not that he’s all that subtle either, but at least with him he’s so ridiculously unsubtle all of the time that when he does try and be sneaky, it works quite well.”

“He’s a sweetheart. I have no idea how he ended up in the military with you lot.”

“Careers in the military have been passed down through the Armstrong family for generations.”

Riza shrugged. “Well, I suppose it’s as good a reason as any. Anyway, you can’t deny that Hughes’ plan worked, and he’s managed to leave us alone together.”

“No. No, that can’t be denied.”

“Although you also can’t deny that we all have to work tomorrow. Even if I live above my workplace and don’t really do all that much actual work on a daily basis. I should probably still be sharp enough to be able to spot potential trouble and I can’t do that if I’m face down snoring on the counter.”

“No, that makes sense.” Roy didn’t know whether to be sad that he wasn’t actually going to get any time alone with Riza, or relieved that Hughes’ ploy hadn’t seemed to work. She wasn’t showing any signs of actually going anywhere, after all, and since Hayate looked so cute asleep under the table, she might not want to move him. 

“Still. It’s been a while since it was just the two of us.”

Her soft brown eyes were smiling, and it was good to see her looking so calm and happy. It had taken a long time for the haunted look that she had worn at her father’s funeral to leave her, and although he did still see it occasionally, she seemed to be making her peace with his legacy now, enjoying becoming her own person. It had been great to see, and he didn’t know how to articulate that to her without coming across as a complete idiot. 

He didn’t realise that she’d been leaning in until her lips were on his, and although he was surprised, he didn’t resist. Her hand was warm against his cheek and he interlaced his fingers with hers, about to deepen the kiss when she pulled away, searching his face for something. He had no idea what she was looking for or whether she found it, as she moved away then, giving Hayate a little shake to wake him and picking him up. 

“I should get going. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Roy nodded. “Till tomorrow.”

He watched her leave the bar, and then planted his face in the table with a groan. What was that? Had that just happened? How was he supposed to interpret it? 

There was the thunk of glass on wood and he lifted his head an inch or so to see a shot glass of clear liquid in front of him. He could already tell it was the good Drachman vodka. 

“Drink.” Chris took the seat opposite. “Drink, then talk. God knows someone needs to get you two to get your act together, and that might as well be me.”

Roy sat up again and downed the vodka, shuddering against the burn in the back of his throat. 

“Did she really just kiss me?”

“Yep.”

“I wasn’t dreaming?”

“Nope.” Chris gave him an amused look. “So, what are you going to do about it?”

“I have no idea.” Roy stared up at the ceiling, before remembering that above the ceiling was the shop and above that was Riza’s apartment and staring down at the table instead. 

“I think that it’s a pretty clear situation from my point of view. You like her, she obviously likes you, so perhaps start dating. Like I have told you to do several times.”

“I know. I know. I just feel like we can’t.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “For the love of God, Roy, why? It’s not like you’re studying under her father anymore. It’s not like she’s still living with her father anymore. It’s not like that odd period when she was seventeen and you were nineteen and you were completely paranoid about the implications of that. She just kissed you, boy, what more do you need?”

Roy shrugged. “I still feel responsible. Everything will be going great and then she’ll have a bad back pain day and I’ll remember that afternoon… Maybe if I’d done it when she asked me to, things wouldn’t have been so bad.”

“Roy, I say this with all the love in the world but you’re a goddamn idiot. Her back would still be burned, she would still have pain, you would still have had to call Hohenheim in a panic to come and make things better, and you’d have the added gnawing knowledge that you could never be rid of, the knowledge that it was you who did it to her. Considering how much you’re antsing about over not doing it, do you really, honestly think that you’d feel better if you had?”

“No. You’re right. That wouldn’t have helped.”

“You’ve got to let go of the guilt at some point, Roy. Maybe you could have done more to help her when she was still under Hawkeye’s thumb. Maybe you couldn’t. The point is, you can’t change the past, however much you might want to, and if you don’t get that stick out of your ass and stop worrying about the things you can’t change, then you’re just going to spend the rest of your days wallowing in misery and self-pity, denying you and Riza something you both want out of a misguided sense of worthiness. I can just about deal with you moping, but I can’t have two of you engaged in ridiculous mutual pining when you’re both perfectly aware of each other’s feelings and just won’t do anything about them.”

It was the longest and most vehement speech that Chris had ever given him on the topic of his love life, and it shook Roy a little. Normally she would just tease him like the rest of the girls, or occasionally drop in the odd bit of sage advice. She’d never yet staged this level of intervention on his behalf.

“It’s too late and you’ve had far too much to drink to do anything about it now, but you need to at least talk to her about it tomorrow. Don’t make me lock you in a broom closet, we haven’t got one, and Trisha would murder me if anything happened in the dispensary.”

Roy laughed. There was definitely something in Chris’s words. If Riza didn’t blame him then there wasn’t a lot of point in blaming himself; it wouldn’t make either of them feel better. They’d never talked about their feelings before, and Riza had certainly given him an opening tonight. 

He’d talk to her tomorrow. Well, as long as he didn’t have to investigate any more weird goings on in the Third Lab. As much as he didn’t want to admit to Hughes being right, he was definitely uneasy about whatever might be happening off the books. The Philosopher’s Stone might be a bit far-fetched, but something was up. 

Roy pushed those fears to the back of his mind again, returning to happier thoughts. 

Thoughts of Riza.

[melacka]

Hey @crisblcklst​! I tried to answer your ask and then experienced a whole range of rather frustrating technical issues. Isn’t tumblr fun?!?!

Anyway...

You asked for Lizzington and NAP for the i love you prompts.

‘i love you’ prompts

Thanks for the prompt! It took me a while but I got there! I have written you a Season 3A, on the run, bed sharing, accidental date night fic. Also, it is way longer than I planned. Hope you enjoy!

You can read it here on AO3 or keep reading below.

Title: Date Night by Melacka

Summary: “Who would’ve thought that one thing that would come  out of this whole thing would be an evening spent on the couch eating  Chinese food and watching Casablanca.” Liz laughed and scooped some  noodles into her mouth. “Next thing you’re going to tell me we’re going  dancing.”

Liz and Red share an accidental date night while on the run.

They’d shared a bed a few times since they’d been on the run. The necessity of it made it easier for her to deal with. She could compartmentalise this fairly easily. It was absolutely necessary that she share a bed with him and therefore she would make it no more difficult than it absolutely had to be. They were closer now than she ever thought they could be, he had allowed her to see parts of him that he had kept so carefully hidden before. Another necessity most likely requiring compartmentalisation on his part. She knew that there were probably lots of secrets that she was not yet privy to. She knew, too, that she might never really know the whole truth about him and his history with her. She tried to make herself be okay with that, but it was a constant battle.

She suspected that he was uncomfortable being this close to her all the time, but she didn’t know if it was the same discomfort that he would feel with anyone or if it was specific to her. She tried to take her cue from him, tried to make things easier for him, but he was always so good at hiding what he was thinking that most of the time she had to rely on her own instincts. It bothered her because her instincts had become alarmingly unreliable recently. She didn’t have the time these days to indulge her self-doubt too often, so she was just doing the best she could. She watched him closely for any signs of discomfort or unease and tried to adjust her behaviour accordingly. She was so completely dependent on him right then and she couldn’t afford to jeopardise the fragile peace they’d achieved in the midst of all the chaos.

When he told her that they would have to share a bed for the first time, she could tell that he was worried about her reaction. She made a point of smiling reassuringly at him and tried to keep her instinctive panic from showing in her eyes. She hadn’t shared a bed with anyone other than Tom in years and she’d recently become so used to sleeping alone again. Her sleep was often disturbed by nightmares that she struggled to wake up from and she worried about Red seeing that. She didn’t even want to think about what secrets she might reveal just by sleeping beside him.

That first time had been difficult. Apart from that one night in the shipping container that they never spoke about, she’d rarely even been in the same room as him while sleeping, let alone the same bed. They were both almost ridiculously considerate of each other, respecting the other’s space and maintaining as much distance as possible in the small bed. Liz went to bed first and, by unspoken agreement, Red waited long enough for her to get settled and have a chance at falling asleep before he joined her. She was still awake when he quietly entered the room nearly an hour later, but she kept her face turned away and her breathing as deep and even as she could manage. She doubted that it fooled him, but the fiction was as much for her benefit as it was for him, so she’d kept it up until she’d actually fallen asleep. She’d felt a strange comfort in having him beside her, the warmth of his body and the rhythmic sounds of his breathing made her feel almost like she was home again.

The second time they shared a bed was better. Easier. Red was more matter of fact and there was less of an air of apology in his face and voice when he told her. She reacted better as well, she had been more prepared for the possibility and slightly more comfortable with the idea. She still feigned sleep when he came to bed and wore a lot more clothes than she’d normally bother with but told herself that it was only for security reasons. She figured that the few extra seconds it would take to put on her pants could be crucial in their escape, should it suddenly become necessary. Besides, Red slept practically fully clothed as well.

The third time they shared a bed, it wasn’t because they had to.

Red had been required to go out to meet a contact and he had encouraged her to stay at the safe house. Liz couldn’t figure out if it was because he was worried about her being seen out in public or because he just needed to have some time away from her. Either way, she’d been perfectly willing to go along with it. They’d been on the move almost constantly for the last three weeks, and she was happy to have a quiet night in. Relatively speaking, of course.

Two hours after he left, she felt like she was going out of her mind. She’d become so accustomed to Red’s presence that she felt jumpy and on edge with him gone. She checked and rechecked all the locks on the windows and doors and kept her gun close by her side. She tried to watch TV but found the noise distracting rather than soothing and so switched to reading a book. Every safe house they stayed in at least some books in it and she’d read more in the last few weeks than she’d managed to in the last three years. Her job and all its resultant distractions and dramas had kept her from some of the simpler pleasures she used to enjoy.

Just as she was headed to the kitchen to fetch a glass of wine, she heard the front door open quietly. She moved quickly to the dark hall and silently extracted her gun from her jeans. She stood, tense and ready, waiting for whoever it was to move into the light. Liz slowed her breathing with an effort and forced herself to calm down. It was probably just Red, but one thing she’d learned on the run was not to trust probabilities. And if it wasn’t Red, she’d need a clear head to extract herself from the situation.

“Lizzy?” Red called out. “Where are you?”

She let out a breath, relieved more than she cared to admit that he was back.

“Hey,” she said quietly, stepping out of the hallway and into the light.

Red raised his eyebrows in surprise when he noticed the gun in her hands. She slipped it back into the back of her jeans and smiled.

“Can’t be too careful.”

“Very true,” he agreed, moving quickly to the kitchen. “I’m just glad that your abundance of caution didn’t lead to any unfortunate accidents. Bullet wounds can be terribly awkward to explain away, you know.”

Liz stared after him, open-mouthed, unable to find anything to say in response to that.

“Are you hungry? I’ve brought you some food.”

She trailed after him curiously, peering into the plastic bag as he got out plates and cutlery.

“What is it?”

“Chinese food, Lizzy,” he said quietly. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself and as much as I dislike the idea of encouraging bad habits—”

“Since when?” she scoffed.

“Bad eating habits,” he continued smoothly. “I want you to eat something tonight, and Chinese food seemed like the safest option.”

Liz grinned and hopped up on the counter, extracting one of the containers of food and opening it eagerly. Red took it from her with a disapproving frown, closing it quickly as Liz scowled at him.

“Hey!” she protested. “I wanted that!”

She tried to grab it but he held it teasingly out of reach.

“Now, now, Lizzy,” he chided. “Do be civilised. How about you go and select a movie for us to watch and I will prepare the food?”

“You want to watch a movie?”

“Yes, if you don’t mind?”

“No! Of course, I don’t mind,” Liz said quickly, not quite able to cover her disbelief. “And you want me to choose it?”

“Well, I chose the food, it seems only fair.”

He shooed her out of the kitchen, and she left without complaint. When he joined her a few minutes later, she was just sliding the DVD into the player.

“Tell me the truth,” she said, sitting on the couch and picking up the remote. “Did you let me choose the movie because you knew that all the movies here are ones you would want to watch?”

“Really, Lizzy, this suspicious nature of yours—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Just give me my food, okay?”

He handed her a plate and she pressed play on the remote. He smiled at her and she grinned back.

“Who would’ve thought, huh?”

“Who would’ve thought, what?” he asked curiously.

“Who would’ve thought that one thing that would come out of this whole thing would be an evening spent on the couch eating Chinese food and watching Casablanca.” Liz laughed and scooped some noodles into her mouth. “Next thing you’re going to tell me we’re going dancing.”

“Dancing, Lizzy?”

“To really make it a proper date night,” she said teasingly. “Dinner, a movie, and dancing.”

“I’ll take you dancing any time you want to, Lizzy,” Red replied softly. “Just say the word.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” She looked down at herself and shrugged. “You should probably give me more warning, next time. I can make myself look more presentable if we’re going dancing.”

“Nonsense,” he said gallantly. “You look beautiful.”

Liz blushed and looked down.

“You’re not just saying that because you feel sorry for me?”

“Why would I feel sorry for you?”

“You’re kidding, right?” she said incredulously.

Red shrugged and kept his eyes on the screen as he spoke.

“You made a choice, Lizzy, and you’re living with the consequences of that choice. Do I wish you hadn’t been put in the position where you felt the need to make that choice? Of course. Do I feel sorry for you? Absolutely not.”

Liz watched him in silence, chewing thoughtfully on her food.

“Besides,” he said in a lighter tone, “do you know how many women would kill to be in the position you’re in right now?”

Liz choked slightly and then burst out laughing.

“I’m going to ignore that appalling choice of words, Red, and instead focus on the message behind them.”

“Very wise,” Red agreed solemnly, settling back on the sofa and balancing his plate on his knees. “And what message have you chosen to see in my words today?”

“Today, I choose to believe that you have my best interests at heart and that I should be grateful for the opportunity to have a quiet night in with you. How’s that?”

“Very near perfect, Lizzy.”

She nodded her satisfaction and leaned back on the sofa next to him, allowing her body to brush up gently against his. It was practically a real date night, after all. No reason to maintain strict distance between them. He casually draped an arm along the back of the sofa, and she took the hint, settling herself into his side with a sigh.

“Lizzy.”

“Hmm?” she said sleepily.

“Lizzy, it’s time for bed, sweetheart.”

Liz mumbled something incoherent and drifted off to sleep again.

“Lizzy, come on.”

“Red?”

“Yes, I’m going to take you to bed, okay?”

Liz grinned, her eyes still closed, and said, “Like a real date night.”

“Come on, now,” Red said quietly, ignoring her comment. “Stand up.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“Lizzy,” he sighed. “Please.”

She finally opened her eyes and realised that she was cuddled into Red’s side, her face mere inches from his. She lurched back in surprise.

“Oh!” she cried. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“It’s alright, Lizzy,” Red reassured her with a gentle sigh. “Let me take you to bed.”

She stood up shakily and smoothed down her hair, noticing that the movie had ended.

“How long was I asleep?”

“About an hour.” Red stood up and stretched his arms quickly. “I thought it was better to let you sleep.”

“Thanks,” she said, still feeling embarrassed.

“I’m just going to tidy up in here,” Red continued briskly, piling up their plates and glasses on the table. “Why don’t you go and get ready for bed? I’ll just do a quick security check and then go to bed myself.”

Liz nodded and wandered off to the bathroom. She washed her face quickly and brushed her teeth. She could hear Red in the kitchen and was just about to go and offer to help him when he knocked gently at the bathroom door.

“Lizzy?”

She opened the door and smiled at him, absurdly shy all of a sudden.

“I’m going to do a sweep of the house. Can you make sure you check the locks on the windows in your bedroom?”

“Of course.”

He nodded and walked away. Liz sighed and wandered into her bedroom. She quickly changed clothes and checked the windows were still securely locked. Then, hesitating slightly, she opened the door to her room. She was hoping that Red would come by to check on her once more before turning in.

She sat on the bed and started to brush her hair, the slow, rhythmic strokes calming her agitation. After a few minutes, Red knocked on the doorframe and peered inside.

“All secure,” he reassured her.

She nodded and put the brush down. She looked at him with a smile and patted the bed next to her. He hesitated for a moment and then entered the room, taking the space next to her. She reached out and grasped his hand, holding it tight in her own.

“Lizzy? Did you need something?”

“Red,” she whispered, not quite knowing what had come over her. “You said you were going to take me to bed.”

“Lizzy,” he said, a warning clear in his voice.

“You don’t lie to me, Red,” she continued, unperturbed. “Take me to bed.”

“Lizzy, please, don’t—”

She turned his face towards hers and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. She pulled back and searched his face, looking for any indication that he didn’t want her to continue. He looked at her seriously but didn’t try to stop her when she leaned forward again. This time, she kissed him for longer. His lips parted and she moaned in relief. He allowed the kiss to continue for a few more moments before he pulled away again, his breathing heavy and his eyes wild.

“Lizzy,” he gasped. “I will not take advantage of you like this.”

She smiled and shook her head. She trailed a hand down his shoulder, exploring his arm with interest.

“Red, how would it be taking advantage of me? I’m the one who started this.”

“Things happen when you’re on the run, Lizzy, things you might think the better of later.” He grasped both her hands in his, preventing them from wandering any further over his body. She pouted at him playfully. “I won’t be something you regret, Elizabeth.”

Liz froze, a blush rising in her cheeks.

“Oh.” She looked down at their joined hands and bit her lip. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Red said. “But now isn’t the time for this to happen.” He released her hands and cupped her face gently, encouraging her to look at him. “When this is all over—”

He left the sentence unfinished and she felt a small hope kindle in her chest.

“When this is over?” she prompted.

“If you still want—” he trailed off, looking vaguely uncomfortable.

“If I still want you, you mean?”

“When you’ve had time to think it through, think about what you really want.”

“And if I tell you then that what I really want is you,” Liz said shrewdly. “Will you believe me?”

Red smiled at her, but it was a pained smile.

“You should go to sleep, Lizzy. We’ll have to move on in the morning.”

“Will you believe me?” Liz searched his face desperately, not willing to let this go just yet.

Red sighed and nodded slightly.

“I’ll try.”

Liz leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek.

“I guess that’ll have to do,” she said sadly. “For now, at least.”

Red chuckled and stood up.

“Good night, Lizzy.”

“Red?” she said quietly, almost timidly. “Will you stay here with me?”

He considered her in silence for a long moment, seeming to wage a furious battle within himself while she waited. Hopeful. Eventually, he nodded.

“Get in bed, Lizzy,” he said quietly.

She flung the blankets back and lay down, still looking at him apprehensively, like she expected him to change his mind. He tucked the blankets around her securely and pressed a kiss to her lips.

“Oh, Lizzy,” he breathed against her lips. “What you do to me.”

He switched off the light and then slid quickly into bed beside her, not removing any clothing. Liz smiled in the dark as he lined his body up beside hers, spooning her carefully, his hand resting gently against her stomach.

“Don’t leave me, Red,” Liz whispered once they were settled. “Don’t ever leave me.”

Red pressed a kiss to the back of her head.

“Don’t worry, Lizzy,” he murmured. “I’m not going anywhere.”

[antivirusprogram2020]

I am an antivirus program (2020)

> CHAPTER 2 The new human type cannot be properly understood without an awareness of what he is continuously exposed to from the world - Theodor Adorno. Minima Moralia, 1951 We can not change the medium as the medium is predicated on the message (use my square space code for a 10% discount)- we are fixed in this web 2.0 and the control of knowledge will be met with the streamlining of UI and UX design. Design tools like the adobe programs will continue to increase their premium and their monopoly hold on the design space - to be a designer is to be implicated with this process, regardless if you pirate software or notThis is where I raise flags against the tepid conglomeration of blog sites and web in general, the astroturfing of the internet has only amplified the feedback of Graphic Design. You’d typically call this commercial design. Commercial design fits the criteria of an evolving media world, “It is important to note that this ultimate stage of pictorialization was a reversal of pattern. The world of body and mind...was not photographical at all, but anonvisual set of relations”1. Commercial Design started to drive an efficiency science behind it’s aesthetic - you make the access mode immediate and your engagement success is far higher, and you do this through the pictogram, and when photography came about, that too was made into a design appendage. “To understand the medium of the photograph is quite impossible, then, without grasping its relations to other media, both old and new. For media, as extensions of our physical and nervous systems, constitute a world of biochemical interactions that must ever seek new equilibrium as new extensions occur.”1 This is potentially a valuable understanding of media, and thus design, presented by media theorist Marshall Mcluhan, commercial design (and all art and design in a sense) are schizophrenic presentations of the world, they accumulate meanings outside the presented scope of an advertisement, or typography - they link the relational experience of the mass media consumer, as Mcluhan states. However, this is not all, he states an ‘equilibrium as new extensions occur’ - in my context now this weighs with a great importance, we know the new extensions already, something that Mcluhan unfortunately didn’t get to experience fully, and that’s the web, the modern computer, the pocket mobile device. These are in their own rights mediums, your OS (operating system) is a computer language medium that dictates other program mediums, the access mode to the rest of the systems of design, websites contain live feeds and streams to distant realities, it’s all so lucid but at the same time it feels like an astral projection. At times this can feel nauseating, that collapsing feeling of ‘space’ and ‘time’. This presents a wider problem with modern design, technology has embedded itself into the core of the practice since the dawn of paper and pen, stone and chisel etc. The problem being that while technology has stopped gapped connectivity, it refuses to go further - refuses to return the creativity of a design practice unless commandeered. This has led to the necessity for the designer to code, and script, to kit bend and utilise AI - once again “fragmenting” the work role. “Under conditions of electric circuitry, all the fragmented job patterns tend to blend once more into involving and demanding roles or forms of work that more and more resemble teaching, learning, and “human” service, in the older sense of dedicated loyalty.” Graphic design namely has done well to adapt and reshape, showing its versatility in the age of digital design. Not only that, it hybridizes aesthetic models much like a fashion season generates new styles, which keeps design itself fresh and alive, while sometimes slipping into the contrived and over-saturated. But is the “human” service really what Graphic Design is becoming? It certainly hints to this with the proactive design studio model. Interaction and Bureaucracy, it’s an efficiency tactic. All design requires hierarchy even if that hierarchy is to not have one. I see the office space, I remember the spider plant, I see the shore line, I see the whitecaps. The workers space is a micro-territorial space of capital politics and a grab for faux socialism in most cases, in some, it is an honest attempt to form comradery - the cafeteria is an effective grounds to reinforce or detourne this thinking. People like artist Olafur Eliasson effectively install a commons space for the studio team to interact and communicate, job roles are made equal in that space. “The studio, as much as we don’t like it, means working in your own little departments, compartmentalised. And there are hierarchies even though everyone’s a part of the democracy. The kitchen is a nice leveller.” It’s a universal ideology that falls into a majority of Eliasson’s work that provides an effective future-proof for how the operations of studio practice should be carried out (see the Auteur myth). My cynicism is only symptomatic of the consumerist prerequisite that allows design to exist in the first place - a degree in the topic definitely is met with a careerist sentiment, to be financially viable within a milieu of art and design subjects. Graphic Design should not try to divorce itself from this grouping, it stands stronger with the complex wovings and multitudes that allow it to bloom as an individual practice that arranges the practice of others. The efforts here are a concern with the design practice no less, and how ethics and politics are sequestered by a shifting responsibility of effects, how and why Graphic design mutated into the corporate virus that it is now. ”All media work us over completely.”8 This is Mcluhan’s sentiment from his writings in the 60’s, and It stands up true to this day, more so than ever. Algoration (the use of data algorithms to curate a web feed) are notorious and globally implemented into most ‘social media’, but outside social media, it’s used as predictive data. This is the “reversal pattern”, Graphic Design puts a face to this slippery coded underbelly. The automation of design media has become an efficient business strategy to overmine its user base data, and subsequently requires illustration. To be concise, the study of the Graphic Designer is in part the study of Media, the study of media is the lens of relational activities and connectivity. And this is the permitted virus. Adversely, the antivirus program is a research protocol invested in studying the autonomy available to a Graphic Designer, and an extended hand to all fragmented sectors that require a similar reclamation. Language dictates media – media manufactures consent, therefore language manufactures consent. A small quibble no less, that the Graphic Designer goes to bed with media every day. And in the morning they arise with vast spawns of editorials, emailing lists, content posts - lots of fucking content posts by content creatures. The homogeneous sprawl of media is a compounded expository of new design conditions. “Today, the mass audience can be used as a creative, participating force. It is, instead, merely given packages of passive entertainment.”8 The passive entertainment is reflexive of its audience, an audience that is content on not being challenged when engaging and consuming media, not being challenged when creating and releasing it - the language logic is a false preposition - things don’t have to occur in the forefront of our percepts, media can be a stealth operation for critical theory or a dog whistle for nazis. Even a glass of milk is steeped in meaning. “The photograph is just as useful for collective, as for individual, postures and gestures, whereas written and printed language is biased toward the private and individual(s) posture.”1 Mcluhan and designer Rapheal Roake seem to fit perfectly in collusion with one another here, “All design is a political act”, this fits Mcluhan’s collective principle for the photograph precisely, as this explicitly gives backing to the relational dynamics of media itself, it sits in the collective sphere - the global village. It all begins to feel like a fever dream, the spectres of Helvetica, Comic sans and Papyrus jumping on your chest as you’re paralysed in a waking dream. Blink and you’ll miss the horses head 144hz refresh rate. The grid settings of your life are closing in tighter and tighter as you cant kern in a moment for peace, please adobe I’m plugged in to your creative cloud let me use my kettle already, yes dear, they’re wacom tablet plates, we threw out the cutlery and replaced them for tote bags and ironic panel hats. The decoherence of the 21st century is here and it’s got anthropocene smeared all over its lips. Everyone wants to fuck their OLED displays, the screen is constantly flirting with me, it bulges and writhes along with it’s circuitry like an obscene Cronenburg slide show, and with a tilt of the hinge, it rips my hands straight off the bone. It’s simultaneously psychosexual and completely meaningless, but there doesn’t seem to be any Big Other alternative, can you see the demons wearing the guise of post-modernity, and where they emit a solar flare? Just tryna game the system can’t you see, if I shake it at just the right moment, at the right angle, I’ll get an additional diet coke. You don’t understand how fucking much I like diet coke. A man who finds himself among others drinking diet coke is irritated because he does not know why he is not one of the others drinking diet coke. I have graphic design Stockholm syndrome, what do you mean you don’t know who Gerrit Noordzij is? At this point going outside will trigger my flight or fight response, I’m afraid of being swooped by seagulls while I’m bound on a rock, I sleep in a bed with a faraday blanket, I’m absolutely glowing, washed in sunlight. “As for the anticipation of reality by images, the precession of images and media in relation to events, such that the connection between cause and effect becomes scrambled and it becomes impossible to tell which is the effect of the other” These collective postures translate into all modern media and are littered with effects. One is singular and rhizomatic in any given instance of engagement towards media and the invisible hand of the ‘designer’. And on the contrary the medium is an assemblage of arborescence and is later politicised in the factory line assembly - a by-product of ‘essential’ capital labor. The capital fiction is overwritten by the post-market mythos of a company and it’s figureheads, it’s in-house publishing team use individual members to feature in nice magazines. Effects, we are overcome by so many different effects daily, to the extent that we become desensitized to the potential the subsequent causes and effects, modern reality makes sure to compound these consequences of media to a sensory overload of hysteria, the neurotic ones take to pinterest to organise themselves. We like to order things, It gives clarity and comfort within the dysphoria and entropy of our lives, pinterest, tumblr, are.na, instagram are all negentropical solutions in an overstimulated digital environment. “Instant communication insures that all factors of the environment and of experience coexist in a state of active interplay.”8 To understand this I need to clarify that the medium, the message, the photograph and all subsets of visual and nonvisual information are communication - it goes without saying - but this establishes the politicised and astroturfed space of Graphic Design, a designer is expected to make commercially viable work to thrive, and usually this is achieved by co-opting styles to any degree appropriate to a brief. This results is the parody, the hyperstition and hyperobject - an overly ironic and self aware ventilation apparatus that keeps the gimmicks of Graphic Design alive. The overtures of a design piece can appear stark placid and regurgitated. It’s very much easy to default to a ctrl-c, ctrl-v automation process. Reinforced no less by an autodidact push of some educational institutions - more concerned with juggling design briefs than focusing their teachings on a core design system (despite their ever love for the Bauhaus - yes huni the library is open). Of course, with the new emphasis on a technology dominated world we are expected to rely and reinforce the techno-dependent designer (work smart not hard). And we are yet to catch up to this mutation in design, where design was once a phylogeny of different features that collected to assume a physical medium, centrered on type, constrained by fibres and ink and oil - these components have congealed onto the Macbook, the ergonomics of physical/digital unbound the Designer from the difficulties of a physical medium. So why do we remain in the realm of rehashing typefaces and conventional media, why are we tied down to the revolving doors of design trends - surely now than ever we have all the components, all the tools to produce new design movements, this can’t keep up “When the circuit learns your job, what are you going to do?”8

[gdc2k19]

What is imagination?

Imagination is creativity in action. It can be using our brain and our senses to create an image within our mind.

Imagination draws on our experiences and knowledge of the world around us and combines them with the complete unknown to make something new.

It allows us to explore beyond the constraints of our environment and our reality, into a world of dreams, where creativity and invention are at their strongest.

How does it work?

Science has long held that the complex nature of imagination must involve more than one area of the brain.

The idea and the proof have been hard to amalgamate but recent studies using advancements in the monitoring of complex neural interactions within the brain provide new evidence for this theory.

The findings from this study suggest that imagination uses a large portion of the human brain, creating an interconnecting network of activity across many different areas.

Imagination really does light up our brains!

Is imagination unique to humans?

It would appear that imagination (at least in its complete form) is a uniquely human experience.

It has allowed us to modify and develop our surroundings and to create and invent new ideas, new structures, new technologies.

Imagination also allows us the very human emotion of empathy as we can literally imagine another person’s life experience without ever having actually experienced any of it.

In the words of JK Rowling… “Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and, therefore, the foundation of all invention and innovation.

In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared.”

The evolution of imagination

Our early ancestors, the hominids, showed basic levels of imagination in their tool making abilities, cooperative hunting skills and social interaction and colonisation.

It would appear that their level of imagination was limited, though, perhaps with respect to their brain size and their compartmentalised thinking.

As modern humans evolved, scientists have reported an increase in brain size, advances in technical skills and creativity, and a development in social complexities. Farming, sophisticated tool making, complex language development, the performance of rituals and the development of art and crafting all required a complex development of thought and mental interaction… Imagination!

A more developed neural network within the brain, connecting the different areas of brain function, must have had some part to play in all this.

The majority of these changes evolved between 500,000 and 200,000 years ago, to the eventual emergence of the modern human.

The importance of imagination in development

As a parent this is the part that I am most interested in.

What part does imagination play in my children’s development?

Science has shown that imagination stimulates brain function and activity.

It literally expands the mind as it encourages connections between so many areas within the brain.

Both neurologists and psychologists agree that play in early childhood is necessary for children to develop at a normal rate and to reach their full potential.

Imagination and play have been shown to increase brain development and growth in children.

At a neurological level imagination can increase the number of neural connections within the brain, linking different regions.

These links need repeated stimulation and activation to be maintained.

Imagination is an activity that used the whole brain rather than isolated, individual sections.

Use of the whole brain in this way increases a child’s problem solving abilities, emotional development and social interactions.

Early childhood (between the ages of three and six) is usually when children are most actively involved in their imagination.

Through pretend play children create their own imaginary world, allowing them to develop and learn from the new experiences they explore.

When children start school there is often a shift in how they play, moving towards games with more social interaction and rules.

These games still engage the children in creative play, often with a more cognitive imaginative thought process.

Imagination and learning

Imagination is a vital learning tool within the classroom.

Children will learn and remember more powerfully when imagination is included.

Imagination will create more neural links within the brain, engage more regions within the mind and it will bring the subject to life!

This holds true for all subjects not just the ones we consider more creative.

I have always loved maths, for example, and I remember from a young age that each number took on a personality for me.

This probably increased my enjoyment of the subject and certainly would have increased my memory and ability.

As children grow it is important therefore that their imagination is constantly stimulated and encouraged.

As they enter their teenage years imagination will allow better social interaction and social awareness as it encourages a better sensitivity to the needs and feelings of those around us.

Imagination can also decrease stress levels as it encourages problem solving and the possibility of positive outcomes and solutions.

A powerful imagination is a wonderful skill to have and a very important one to nurture throughout all stages of life.

To really reach our full potential I believe imagination and play should be as important in our daily lives as love, nutrition and health.

How can we encourage imagination within our children?

We all have imagination within us, that is what makes us human.

We do not need to instil it within our children but perhaps we can encourage and assist what is already there.

Starting from a young age we can encourage pretend play, imaginative fantasies and the belief in some things unknown.

An imaginary friend can be encouraged rather than feared.

Dress up clothes are a great facility for a child’s imagination.

There are many simple toys that can assist a child in a wonderful make believe world.

It is also a wonderful reinforcement for children to see their parents actively involved in the imaginary worlds that they create.

[rosarenn]

Abuse & Trauma & Denial

I don’t want to talk about trauma.

So let’s talk about trauma.

Am I traumatised?

Well, yes, that’s easy. I have the symptoms, I have the signs, I can recognise these things in myself and I can say with some confidence that I am traumatised. That’s about me, and only me. That’s about my internal reality.

But have I experienced trauma?

The first requires the second, and yet, I hesitate to state it affirmatively.

This is about external reality. This can be evaluated, questioned. This is subject to interpretation by others. There are many who would dismiss my experiences and reject my perception of trauma.

But am I asking others to believe me?

I can state that I had experiences in my childhood - being screamed at, dismissed, shamed - and in my relationships - being ignored, having holes punched into walls beside my head - that traumatised me. But to claim the label of trauma, to state that these experiences were traumatic, this is harder.

First, there’s the certainty.

Labeling reduces the nuance. It’s black-and-white: trauma and not-trauma.

Of course, reality is more difficult than this. And yet, we do this moment-to-moment, each time we use language, without flinching from it. So while it is true that it simplifies - grossly - the reality, this is a necessary feature of language. We cannot state our perceptions of reality without framing it a certain way, without dismissing other possible viewpoints, without losing nuance. This is a necessary trade-off.

Trauma.

I feel - I think - that I don’t have the right to claim this label. Trauma is war and death and torture. Trauma is being locked in a closet for years, having your fingernails pulled out, being burned with cigarettes. Trauma is big, loud, rare, and attention-grabbing.

Except it isn’t.

Being born is trauma, and we all experience that. Life is pain, suffering - trauma. It’s everyday, it’s nondescript. Trauma is traffic, loud construction noise, being jostled in a crowd. Trauma is being rejected, being cast out from the tribe. Trauma is everywhere.

But if it’s everywhere, then why am I struggling where others aren’t?

Except everyone is struggling.

They just don’t call it trauma. Most don’t even know that it is trauma.

They struggle in silence, like I did, wondering why they don’t fit in, why they’re having a hard time. They don’t understand what’s happening to them, and they assume they must be the problem. I did this for years.

Most people have experienced trauma - maybe all people have experienced trauma - and are struggling with it. We have different experiences and some might have more trauma than others. Some may be more impacted than others, for reasons we may never be able to completely pin down.

Next there’s a fear that I won’t be believed. That I’ll be rejected, ridiculed - punished.

It’s a rebellion. It’s a line in the sand. It’s declaring that, actually, no, things were not OK. It’s declaring that I deserved better.

There’s a fear of retribution, of punishment - of being a naughty child. A good girl wouldn’t accuse her parents of abuse.

Everyone suffers trauma, but does everyone suffer abuse?

No - there is a distinction between single instance trauma and ongoing repeated trauma. Ongoing trauma would usually be abuse - certainly the other way around is true, abuse is ongoing trauma.

So do I have a right to state that I was abused?

It feels dangerous. There’s doubt. The same thoughts - I wasn’t abused enough, I don’t have a right to these thoughts - my perception is invalid.

The thoughts of others are given more weight than my own thoughts.

And where did I learn that?

Oh, right, at the hands of the same people I struggle to even claim abused me.

How convenient.

Isn’t it possible that this isn’t my thought, that this isn’t my feeling? Isn’t it possible - isn’t it almost certain - that this thought was put there by someone who has a vested interest in keeping me believing that?

And isn’t it true that it is in their best interest - not mine - to avoid these words, these phrases - these truths?

What’s in my best interest?

Acknowledging the truth of my experiences. Learning from them, grieving them, and using them to strengthen myself.

Why don’t i want to accept these words?

Grief. There’s huge pain there, being held back by the thin film of denial and compartmentalisation. I can feel it, barely contained now.

Accepting these words means accepting just how bad it was. It means no longer hiding behind qualifiers - that it was bad but not that bad, that others had it worse, that my parents were people who made mistakes, not abusers.

It’s bleak and terrifying. How can I take on so much pain?

But I have the tools now. I know how to grieve. I know that grieving is not endless. That being hurt and angry and sad and afraid won’t hurt me. I know that I can protect myself now, that I don’t need to accept bad behaviour - abuse. I know grieving can bring relief. I know it takes time. I know it’s hard but I know I am strong enough for this.

I was emotionally abused.

[yogaunearthed-blog]

The importance of self discipline for a yoga teacher.

To fully understand why discipline is such an important requirement for a yoga teacher, we first need to understand what yoga is. Let’s jump right in.

What is yoga all about anyway? To give you a quick summary – Yoga is, as described as in Patanjali’s ancient text the Yoga Sutras:

मोगणि वणृ  णनयोध् ॥ २॥ or ( the process of ) Mastering the tendencies of the mind

Restricting the fluctuations, learning to have control and focus the mind, despite it’s tendency to draw our attention onto memories, emotions, sufferings, attachments, aversions, thoughts. And why do we do this?  It is believed that as we learn to have focus and control over our mind in meditation, we move through a state of stillness, towards higher states of awareness – called Samadhi. In the different states of samadhi, one travels deeper into one’s true nature, peeling away the layers of old structures and stories of the mind, and eventually reaches a state of complete detachment from the mind, the body, the ego – and realises one’s true nature. They become one with all that is; Brahman, God, universal spirit, consciousness, whatever your preferred term is. Yoga was created as a means for one’s soul to achieve enlightenment, total liberation of their soul from the cycle of life and death. Consciously or not, whether a yoga practitioner is wishing to reach samadhi in their lifetime, many are still being led by the objective of calming the endless fluctuations of their mind. Many find themselves practicing yoga as a means towards increasing Sattva,  a step  that must be undertaken before one can reach enlightenment. 

Sattva is one of the three Gunas, qualities of which everything in our reality abides by. Describing the mind, a sattvic state is one of harmony, balance, stillness – whereby the mind can fulfil it’s purpose of knowing. Knowing the true nature of the way that things are.

The 8 limbs of yoga describe the path towards enlightenment, whereby one practices Yama (Moral vows), Niyama (Positive duties/observances), Asana (the physical practice we know as to be yoga in the west), Pranayama (Control of the breath), Pratyahara (withdrawal of the senses), Dharana (concentration), Dhyana (Meditation) and Samadhi.

The Yamas (Non violence, truthfulness, non stealing, sexual restraint, non acquisitiveness) and Niyamas (purity, contentment, austerity, self study, surrender/contemplation to God) are extremely important to strengthen one’s focus, bring more energy into their practice, and purify their mind and body. Without this, a path towards stillness is practically unachievable.

Thereby to practice yoga, one must practice discipline in the form of a continuous, persistent, determined practice and life. The mind is strong in it’s fluctuations, in it’s constant desiring towards pleasure and away from pain. To train focus and complete stillness takes hard work.

Discipline creates stability – the opposite of which is fluctuation.

As a teacher

As a teacher of yoga – whether it just be asana, pranayama, or philosophical theory, it is even more important to have discipline with your own practice. Your self practice comes before teaching. Think about it – how could you teach something that you did not know inside out. Unfortunately, there is much of this going on in the west. We think that to go to a retreat and get a 200hr yoga teacher training certificate is adequate to end our own practice, and go forth to teach others? This is where the true nature of these traditional practices gets diluted and obscured. To know an asana well is to continue learning from it. As my Acharya (teacher) Venkatesh has said – never think you have learnt all there is to learn about an asana. There will be many days which bring you a deeper understanding of your alignment and body, and if not anything else, an insight into your internal processes.

Regular, consistent self practice is where we learn to still our own minds, we learn to focus our attention on the breath, and strengthen our ability to not react to discomfort or pain. In essence, we learn to be able to turn our attention away from the constant noise of the mind.

To teach yoga requires incredible mental focus. Imagine you have a class of 20 students – each of which have their own limitations, injuries and preconceived ideas of how to practice based on their experience with other teachers. You need to be aware of each student as an individual, able to identify misalignments and possible risk for injuries constantly. You also need to be aware of the entire class as a whole, the procedure of getting into and out of an asana and breath, and how much information the students are retaining. This, as my acharya Hema has explained, takes the ability to be able to compartmentalise the mind – designating different parts to different tasks. Compartmentalisation takes advanced levels of focus, something that requires consistent work to develop. If you are unable to leave your own personal problems and fluctuating thoughts at the door (which once again takes incredible control over your mind), how could you possibly teach a class in this way?

A teacher must have great control over their attachments and aversions, completely leave themselves behind, if they are to teach others with full respect and attention.

And this, my friends, is what we learn in our own practice. Through the consistent, dedicated work of regular asana, meditation, and discipline over our attachments in our lives – we are able to have the focus and mental restraint that is required to be a teacher of this ancient practice.

Self discipline means self practice, on and off the mat. It means dedication to being present and conscious in each moment.

My own experience with discipline at Atmavikasa, and how it has helped me.

How has learning self discipline helped me? For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a slave to the sufferings that my mind has created. The endless chatter, the negative self talk, the addiction to suffering, the aversion to feeling anything uncomfortable or unpredictable – I lived with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, whatever you want to label it. Life was pretty unbearable. I was drawn back to yoga in my early twenties, revisiting my years as a child – stretching into different poses after dance class, only to find a state of peacefulness as I lay down on the mat in Savasana. My mind was completely still. Yoga classes were a place of refuge from my unstoppable mental chatter. After time I began practicing at home – every morning I would roll out of bed and onto my mat, where I would stretch my body this way and that. But after some time the chatter came back. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong, but I knew that the way in which I was practising was not improving my mental strength. I would give in constantly to the noise, believe that I was weak when I was told, and practiced fast vinyasa to try and beat the mind at it’s pace. I was running a race I could not win, as I sped up my practice so too did my mind. There is only so much stillness exhaustion can create. I was unable to take any of the principles I was attempting to learn off the mat into my daily life, as I found myself still pulled back and forth between the highs and lows of pleasure and suffering.

Coming to Mysore and practicing traditional Hatha Yoga – I’ve learnt what discipline means. Discipline means practicing the same thing, without fail, every day. No matter if you wake up tired, grumpy, sick or sad. Discipline means telling your mind you are strong when it tells you you are weak. It means showing up everyday, without fail, to strengthen your ability to be present and focused. These things take continuous, constant effort – otherwise the mind’s weakness begins to grow. If you take today off because your mind is telling you you’re too tired, or if you shorten your practice because your mind tells you you are weak – it will only scream these words louder tomorrow.

Discipline has meant looking at my fears face on and telling them NO, I will not give in any more. It has meant sitting in meditation with pain shooting down my legs, telling my mind that NO, I will not move. It has meant no longer giving in to my addiction of suffering, my attachment to weakness.  And what has come out of this all?

For the first time in my life I am seeing an improvement in my ability to not listen to the nonsense that my mind spits at me. I’m choosing to be happy rather than suffer, choosing to overcome my eating disordered behaviours, having the energy to focus my mind on thoughts and activities that bring me purpose and true joy. I am moving consistently towards deepening my meditation practice, excited about the depths of which I am heading. Without building this strength through the yogic lifestyle, I would be still living in the cycle of suffering I had grown to know so well.

So in that way – self discipline is important for anyone (not just a yoga teacher), who wishes to liberate themselves from the sufferings, fluctuations and attachments of the mind.

A final note Self discipline does not need to be unenjoyable work, no matter how serious it all sounds. In fact there is nothing more liberating than being free from the attachments and aversions, the addictions and fear, the ropes that bind you to your mind. When you are able to create a constant flow of satisfaction from within, rather than being pulled up and down on the roller coaster of pleasure and pain, you are able to fully appreciate what it’s like to be truly happy.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 H xx

Course studying at http://www.atmavikasayoga.in

[crystalracing]

Under the skin of the enigmatic Raikkonen

KIMI RAIKKONEN IS ONE OF THOSE BLOKES WHO polarises opinion, that people seem to either love or hate. Ironic really, considering he is the epitome of getting on with doing his own thing, not manipulating anything, staying clear of boring politics and not worrying about things he has no control over. As a private man who can be difficult to read – not to mention one who a proportion of Formula 1 followers think has passed his best –he is, as our cover suggests, F1’s enigma. Which is why Ben Anderson’sin-depth 14-page feature, beginning on page 14, is probably the best and most-balanced thing you’ll ever read about him. Based on interviews with Raikkonen himself and those around him, it properly assesses his role on the F1 grid, and in the paddock. Ferrari announced a one-year contract extension for Raikkonen on Tuesday – after the last page of our feature had gone to press – but one thing for sure is that he is closer to the end of his F1 career than the beginning, and this week’s Autosport also provides a study of a talent at the opposite end of the spectrum. There hasn’t been a buzz this big about a young British prospect since Lewis Hamilton was rising the ranks, and Kevin Turner’s chat with Lando Norris (p28)tells us all about his cracking recent F1 test with McLaren. It was good timing that the interview coincides with two more wins in the Formula 3 European Championship at Zandvoort (p40). Funny to think that Norris hadn’t even been born when Raikkonen made his Formula Renault UK debut in 1999, and was only a toddler when Kimi first raced a Formula 1 car…

“IF YOU STRUGGLE, PEOPLE SLAG YOU OFF, BUT IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME”

It is very rare that a driver comes along who challenges preconceived notions of what it takes to be a Formula 1 driver. But when a true prodigy breaks through into grand prix racing through sheer force of talent, they often create a sort of butterfly effect.The world we thought we knew before is suddenly changed, and will never be the same again. Kimi Raikkonen should go down in F1 history as one such driver. It has taken Max Verstappen’s remarkable recent ascension to motorsport’s pinnacle to further redefine the boundaries of possibility – so successful in one season of junior single-seater racing that he simply must be in F1 immediately. Since 2015, Verstappen has been thrilling fans, threatening reputations, and rewriting rules with his fearless and superlative brand of racing. Fourteen years earlier, Raikkonen laid the template –arriving with Peter Sauber’s eponymous team after a brief but highly successful stint in Formula Renault. Raikkonen had competed in fewer than 25 car races; surely he couldn’t be ready for such a monumental leap.Yet there he was – 13th on the grid for his debut in Australia, within four tenths of a second of sophomore team-mate Nick Heidfeld, scoring a point in his first GP, finishing not much more than 12 seconds behind his team-mate. Raikkonen looked immediately like he belonged – a driver so naturally gifted he could bypass F3 and F3000 completely, turn convention on its head, yet be immediately and properly competitive in F1. Truly astounding. The question with all prodigies, in any sport, is what next? Will they fully harness that ability, show the necessary will and dedication to ally proper craft to their genius, and transform themselves into a truly unstoppable force? It is this unique blend that tends to define the ultimate greatness of an athlete – whether they burn out early and fade away in the Wayne Rooney style, or evolve into an era-defining machine in the mould of Cristiano Ronaldo. Raikkonen’s stats suggest he’s something of an underachiever. This weekend’s Belgian Grand Prix will mark his 263rd grand prix start; only four drivers – Rubens Barrichello, Michael Schumacher, Jenson Button and Fernando Alonso – have started more. For a driver of Raikkonen’s ability and longevity to have scored ‘only’ 20 wins and 17 pole positions, plus a single world championship achieved in fortuitous circumstances in 2007, seems out of kilter. Damon Hill would not consider himself to be the most naturally gifted driver ever to grace F1. Raikkonen could make that claim, yet Hill achieved more wins and poles than Raikkonen has, in much less than half the number of starts. And yet Raikkonen is still good enough that he is still racing for Ferrari – F1’s grandest team – at the ripe old age of 37, and Tuesday’s announcement that he will remain for 2018 means he will continue doing so for another season at least. That shows Raikkonen still has something serious to offer in the eyes of those who make the biggest decisions in Maranello. Sport is always about much more than pure numbers. Personality and style also count for as much sometimes. Raikkonen commands a strong and loyal fan base, energised by his ‘Iceman’ reputation, one he says he’s done nothing conscious to cultivate. Publicly, Raikkonen comes off as a cool, aloof, anti-hero character – a no-nonsense antidote to the clean-cut corporate image of modern racing. His ‘wild-child’ early years curry him huge favour with those followers of F1 who pine for the era of James Hunt, when drivers partied away the nights and drove by the seat of their pants in the day. But even lovable rogues like Hunt and Raikkonen are driven by a fierce competitive instinct that belies their devil-may-care reputations.We are left with a confusing picture. How to reconcile the incredible natural ability that once redrew boundaries at Sauber and McLaren, and claimed a historic post-Schumacher world championship for Ferrari, with the later seasons of struggle: bettered by Felipe Massa, outpaced by Romain Grosjean, destroyed by Alonso, now playing second fiddle to Sebastian Vettel? Herein lies the enigma of Kimi Raikkonen.

BLAZING A TRAIL AT SAUBER

Raikkonen’s first season in F1 was very strong by conventional standards for a rookie, but when you consider his fundamental lack of experience in car racing it was truly exceptional. His results were very good – four points finishes in total, twice finishing fourth (in Austria and Canada) and placing inside the top 10 in the world championship. Raikkonen made a vital contribution to what then constituted Sauber’s best F1 season, but it was his raw speed that caught the eye. Third time out, Raikkonen qualified only a tenth behind Heidfeld in Brazil, and thereafter matched his more experienced team-mate 7-7 on Saturdays. Not only that, Raikkonen performed with a calm assuredness that belied his lack of experience. “Kimi was very young [21] and not experienced at all – it was very risky,” says Sauber driver trainer Josef Leberer, who worked with Ayrton Senna at McLaren and recalls his season alongside Raikkonen with fondness. “A lot of people said, ‘I don’t understand why Sauber were doing this’. But it worked. “He’s not the kind of guy who sits days and hours on the computer. Such an intuitive driver, his instinct is incredible. This way I would say he’s one of the best. It comes naturally. No bullshit. Just wanna be fast, no excuses. “He was not spoiled, so you could talk with him and be straightforward, and he was an incredible, cool guy. Doing the massage in the morning we had to wake him up and he said, ‘Let me get an extra five minutes of sleep before the race’. I’d never seen this – the second race in Malaysia and he wanted to sleep an extra few minutes! Can you imagine being like this in your second race? “He made such an impact. We had a feeling and he was fast immediately. You could see he had the requirements to be a top driver.” Raikkonen’s extraordinary ability to drive an F1 car quickly without the educational foundation enjoyed by his peers left a lasting impression on the paddock. Renowned motor racing journalist and author David Tremayne was Sauber’s press release writer during Raikkonen’s rookie campaign. He recalls a driver aloof and reserved in public, but completely different when hidden from the glare of a camera lens. “He was very quiet, like he is now,” explains Tremayne. “You thought, ‘What is this kid like, is he going to be another Mika [Hakkinen]?’ But he clearly wasn’t in terms of the way he conducted himself – he wasn’t forthcoming. Kimi didn’t want to do any of the other bollocks. He wanted to get in the car and get on with it. “[But] at Monza I heard all this raucous laughter on top of the media bus at Sauber. I went downstairs and it was Kimi, Peter Collins, and a guy who turned out to be Kimi’s kart mechanic – and it was Kimi doing all the laughing. “It was the only time I ever saw what you might call ‘the real Kimi’– with mates, completely relaxed, no need to be protective of anything.

I think he has the ability to compartmentalise. There was a lot of fire in him but you didn’t get to see it. He’s very self-reliant. I don’t think he needs an entourage. “As a driver, he was wonderful to watch. Felipe came in the following year and he was quick but always on a different line. Kimi was just cool and calm with it – not pushing the car or wrestling with it.”So many drivers dream of being world champion, work hard to achieve that dream, but never even make it onto the grid. Others carve out opportunity but become overwhelmed by expectation or consumed by pressure. It seems Raikkonen benefited not only from exceptional natural ability behind the wheel – after all there are many drivers who share that sort of skill – but also a mental resilience and confidence that helped strip away the extra burdens that might have destroyed someone of a different character. Raikkonen never dreamed big or got carried away by the prospect of fame and fortune. It seems it was this aloof attitude, bordering on indifference, that made him so perfectly suited to thrive in F1. “It was a good team to be in; nice people – I still have lunch there,” Raikkonen tells Autosport, relaxing into his seat as we discuss the first stage of his long career in F1. “For me, it was very easy in someways because I didn’t really expect anything.“I didn’t know anything about F1. I never went to see a race. The first time I saw it live was when I was in a test myself. So for me it was like if you just go to Formula Renault [for the first time]. I had nothing to worry about – what’s the point? It either goes well or it goes bad. What can you do?” Ultimately, it went very well indeed for Raikkonen, who made such an impression that he was poached by Ron Dennis to replace retiring double world champion Hakkinen at McLaren for 2002. Even a wunderkind like Verstappen had to wait four races into his second season before earning promotion to one of F1’s biggest teams… 

McLAREN: WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN  

Some paddock insiders consider Raikkonen’s five-year stint at McLaren to be his absolute peak. His first grand prix victory at Malaysia in 2003 briefly made him F1’s youngest winner since team founder Bruce McLaren. Raikkonen won eight more times for McLaren in those five seasons, as well as taking 11 pole positions and 36 podiums from 87 starts. He quickly established himself as one of grand prix racing’s most exciting stars, but a world championship title eluded him. He was second to Alonso in 2005, but came closest to breaking through two years earlier, when Raikkonen lost out to Schumacher by just two points. “Back in those days he was massively quick,” recalls Pat Fry, McLaren’s chief engineer during Raikkonen’s stint with the team. “It’s a shame car reliability and engine reliability didn’t work for him really. If you look at him through the early 2000s, he was right up there with the best, wasn’t he? He was absolutely outstanding driving the McLaren through 2003, 2005. He should’ve won the championship in 2005.” Raikkonen was unfortunate in that his time at McLaren coincided with Schumacher’s most dominant seasons at Ferrari and latterly the brief but potent rise of Alonso at Renault. Only once during that period, in ’05, could McLaren be considered to have produced the absolute quickest car on the grid, and senior personnel admit it was too unreliable to ultimately get the job done. In this context, Raikkonen achieved much of his success against the odds. Apart from his first year with the team in 2002 – when he was paired alongside stalwart David Coulthard – Raikkonen was never beaten by his McLaren team-mate across a season. He won many admirers inside the squad for his fearless style of racing. “He was blindingly quick – sometimes the circuit wasn’t big enough to contain him in those early days, but he was pushing to the max and everyone liked it,” remembers McLaren’s chief operating officer Jonathan Neale. “He used to scare me. He scared me because he was so completely fearless. You just knew there was no way he was going to give anything less than 110%, and I don’t mean that lightly. He was just a force of nature.” Out of the car, McLaren found a “completely uncompromising” driver, whose “maverick” style didn’t always sit well with the team’s clean-cut corporate image. “We struggled to find out who he was as he didn’t say very much,” adds Neale. “[But] everybody underestimates him at their peril. He did have a fantastic sense of humour. If there were two drivers going on stage, to do a presentation or a question-and-answer session, he’d be sitting in the back and he’d do an amazing mimic. He had the voices and the phrases, all of that, so he was a sharp observer. “There was never a dull moment, but he was a great racer –somebody who is still spoken of highly in the team for what did with us, for us, and the style in which he did it, which was uncompromising. It was uncompromising in the car, it was uncompromising in the set-up, he was uncompromising on whether he wanted to be with a sponsor. It’s not always easy, but isn’t it refreshing when you find somebody who is brave enough to be candid and frank and not prepared to cower to conformity?

“He wouldn’t suffer fools. Everyone was taken at face value, no airs, no graces, nobody standing on ceremony, what you see is what get, very grounded, but enormous following with the mechanics and engineers – real loyalty. “Because that fire burns very intensely, it was kind of polarising –either you got it or you didn’t. It is quite difficult getting engineers close to him – to be able to have that rapport and reach him without being too much, too little, not a fool. “Any whiff of bullshit and you were toast! But [race engineer] Mark Slade was very good with Kimi and they had an understanding. Mark knew when to leave him alone, and when to push him and there were occasions when Mark was quite assertive with him, but because he built up that trust he could be. It is easy to be intimidated by somebody of that temperament.” Slade has worked with Raikkonen twice through the Finn’s F1 career – first at McLaren and later at Lotus. Slade responded well to Raikkonen’s no-nonsense attitude and fussiness for precision. He says the Raikkonen that drove for McLaren arrived at Woking “well-rounded” and was “massively impressive”. “He knew how to manage tyres, he knew how to set up the car – it was like working with someone who’d done it for five years,” Slade recalls. “He knew exactly what he wanted. It was not like working with a new driver. “The only aspect that was a little bit ragged early on was in qualifying, when we had to put the fuel in the car for the race, so 2003. He had a little bit of a tendency to want to be on pole regardless of the amount of fuel in the car. And there were a couple of races where he went off trying to achieve too much. “We basically banned him from watching the other drivers’qualifying laps. We just told him, ‘Go out and drive the car as quickly as it will go’. We did that for the rest of this season and he didn’t do any more mistakes.” Raikkonen is often portrayed as a lazy driver – someone who simply relies on his natural feel for the car but isn’t particularly interested in doing anything other than driving. Slade argues that’s a misunderstanding of Raikkonen’s approach. It’s not that he is uninterested, rather that he sees clear delineation in responsibilities within teams, and wants to trust those around him to do their jobs properly without interference. Slade admits this approach can compromise Raikkonen when internal politics arise.

“There were times at McLaren when things didn’t go the way they should have for Kimi and if he had been just a little bit more involved, that could have swapped things around a bit,” Slade says. “In the middle of 2005 there were certain things happening with the design direction of the car that didn’t suit Kimi and there was a lot of tension and pressure. I was having to fight Kimi’s corner, because he wasn’t really doing much himself. That was quite stressful. “He didn’t like hanging around in the office for very long. His debriefs were very short, but he gave us the important points and that was almost perfect for me, because it meant we didn’t spend lots of time talking about what was not relevant. He won’t rant about it. It’s just, ‘That’s what we need to fix’. Simple as that. “If people try to push him in a different direction, it’s not going to work because you need him on board. You need to be on board with him and he needs to be on board with you. For me, it was enjoyable to work with him, because it was logical and straightforward. “One of the biggest difficulties with drivers who are less consistent with their approach is trying to filter out this inconsistency. It becomes very difficult very quickly. If he came in saying there’s something wrong with the car, the chances are there’s something wrong with the car – even if you can’t see that on data. Ninety-nine percent of the time he’s right. “When we were doing Michelin tyre testing, they desperately wanted him to do the testing. They told us at one point that he was the best test driver that they worked with. They used to give a little array of tick boxes for different characteristics of the tyre – what the tyres were doing, what the characteristics of the different compounds were. They said there were some drivers who got most of the points correct, but he always got them all correct. “And his consistency of lap time when we tested eight different compounds – his baselines would be within one tenth, and that meant that they could properly analyse the lap time data as well as the driver’s comments.” Slade says he’s never seen anything else like Raikkonen’s “extraordinary level of sensitivity” to the car, to the point where Raikkonen could detect problems with McLaren’s traction control so aware the engineers couldn’t see in their trackside data. The chase for a ‘perfect car’ can be a real curse when too many things aren’t working correctly, but this degree of feel made Raikkonen a formidable weapon during F1’s tyre war between Bridgestone and Michelin. “That played a big part of how it went,” says Raikkonen. “I was very happy to do the tyre tests. We could test 20 different sets of tyres and choose exactly what you wanted, whatever you feel is best for you. It was one extra thing that you could use.” Raikkonen does not agree with those, such as Williams technical chief Paddy Lowe, who would say his McLaren years represent Raikkonen at his peak. But he was certainly unfortunate not to win at least one world title with McLaren, and Slade recalls some truly stunning drives by Raikkonen during that period. “No doubt Michael, Fernando and Kimi were the three guys,” argues Slade, who feels Raikkonen could have won “15 straight races” in 2005 with better reliability. “Then, just slightly behind, DC, [Juan Pablo] Montoya and a few others. When it came to the driving and his racecraft, Kimi was right up there.“In the middle part of the [2005] season the car was phenomenal and he was driving phenomenally well. At Monza, he qualified fastest with the full tank of fuel [before a grid penalty]; at Silverstone, he was half a second per lap quicker than Montoya, who won the race; in France he started 13th and finished second. Japan was awesome because he came from the back and won. “One of the best races he ever did was Indianapolis in 2003, when we were on the Michelin wets and the Michelin wets were rubbish. He finished second. It was fantastic. He just drove his heart out. He didn’t win the race, but it was an absolutely phenomenal drive. “Nurburgring 2006 – the engine was terrible that year and he finished fourth. I remember him coming to the bus afterwards, sweat pouring off him, and he said, ‘I just drove 60 qualifying laps’, and you could see he had. We knew he had to drive phenomenally well to achieve that with the car we had then.” By now Raikkonen had grown increasingly frustrated with life at McLaren and reputedly made an agreement with Ferrari as early as late-2005 to join the Scuderia for 2007. “He signed with Ferrari two years before he moved to Ferrari,” confirms his then-Ferrari team-mate Massa. “I remember when I signed for Ferrari, Kimi already has his contract; the only way I stay in Ferrari is if Michael stops.” Schumacher announced his first retirement from F1 after winning the 2006 Italian GP at Monza. Thus, the way was clear for Raikkonen and Massa to usher in a new era at Maranello.

MARK SLADE RAIKKONEN’S ENGINEER AT McLAREN AND LOTUS

Does Kimi have particular traits in his driving? He’s very, very smooth, very gentle, very precise – minimal inputs into the car. He wants the car to do the work. Most drivers tend to be a bit more aggressive with inputs, which can have benefits when the tyres are hard and difficult to get into the working window. The other thing is power steering. He came to us and complained about power steering. We spent a lot of time fixing it. Then he went to Ferrari and apparently complained about power steering there. Then he came back to Lotus and complained about power steering. So the feel of the steering is very, very important. He doesn’t want any friction in it. He doesn’t want any play on the brake pedal. Also, Mark [Arnall] always carried a special cloth to clean the windscreen, because if there was a slightest finger print or scratch, we had to change it.

He says he hates understeer and you often hear him complain about the front… Even at McLaren there were occasions where we did have issues. Canada was a good one in 2005. We were slower on new tyres than on used tyres because he couldn’t get the new tyre temperature to work. The start of the lap can be a real problem if he just hasn’t got the front grip that he needs to get the car into corners. I would say that’s probably the only real weakness. There were times also that was an advantage, because he was a lot more gentle on tyres. When we won the race with Lotus in 2013 in Melbourne, he just walked away with it because he could do one stop. Those tyres were absolutely perfect for him, then Pirelli changed the tyres and that disadvantaged him unfortunately.

Why does he often seem to make mistakes in qualifying? He takes a high-risk approach to qualifying. It’s all about corner entry speed. And if you get the corner wrong you tend to drop a lot of time. Other drivers probably prioritise the exit a little bit more. He’s trying to carry speed through; that is high risk. 

WORLD CHAMPION THEN DITCHED BY FERRARI

Raikkonen’s Ferrari career got off to a dream start – pole position and victory in his first race in Melbourne, and of course he went on to claim the championship as Ferrari backed his bid to overhaul the McLarens of Alonso and rookie sensation Lewis Hamilton. Raikkonen succeeded in this mission by a solitary point when team-mate Massa moved aside for him to win the season finale in Brazil.“For me it counts much more than any others – if I had won with McLaren or with somebody else,” Raikkonen says. “Ferrari is Ferrari.I got close a few times in the McLaren. I mean yes in some people’s eyes I [could] have won three championships. I didn’t deserve it.In the end, whoever gets the most points deserves it. “Would I be happier with three championships? It makes no difference. I am happy with what I have achieved.” It felt as though F1 almost owed Raikkonen that championship– regardless of the peculiar circumstances – as payback for the disappointment and near-misses at McLaren. But although he finally conquered the world in his first season as a Ferrari driver, Raikkonen never fully established himself as the team’s number one. Raikkonen says his biggest concern before coming to Ferrari was having to adjust to Bridgestone tyres after years spent honing his car on Michelin rubber, but according to Rob Smedley – Massa’s race engineer throughout Raikkonen’s first stint at Ferrari – the tyres were “never the limiting factor” for Raikkonen during this period.“In terms of raw talent he definitely was one of the best drivers on the grid when he came to us,” Smedley says. “[But] he very much needs a particular set-up. He needs the front to work for him very positively. He turns the car in very early, a little bit like Michael, like Fernando, like Valtteri [Bottas]. They turn very early in the corner, and due to that he’s very demanding on the front-end in that phase of the corner.“He needs to start sending the car into the apex almost immediately when he starts thinking about the corner, especially in medium-speed corners. When he first came to us, it took us a longtime to understand what he wanted. “He’s the driver who, probably the most I’ve ever seen of anyone, is absolutely and entirely unfazed by rear locking at the start of heavy braking. To be able to deal with that and not to be fazed by that is something quite incredible. “We spent a lot of our time in that winter of 2007 attempting to understand how on earth he was putting the brake balance so far rearward. He was running probably 8% more rearward than Felipe and the other drivers – that’s another planet. “We were quite surprised by that, but actually what he was trying to do, in his own way, was to make the car turn as soon as he asked for it.As soon as he asked for response out of the steering, he wanted the car to turn. He had a particular way of driving the car and I think it took us a little bit of time to understand that. Once we did, we got performance from him.” But not consistently. Raikkonen was closely matched with Massa through most of 2007, but would likely have been asked to support his team-mate’s own bid for the championship had Massa not suffered a damper failure while running ahead of Raikkonen in that year’s Italian GP – and narrowly leading Raikkonen in the standings. Massa, who describes Raikkonen as “for sure one of the strangest people I’ve met”, was a fan of the Finn’s honesty as a team-mate, but rates Schumacher and Alonso higher: “Definitely Michael and Fernando were stronger – not quicker, but more complete.” The following year Raikkonen was cast into the supporting role, as his title defence fell apart amid a run of four consecutive non-scoring races in the second half of the season. Massa was unlucky not to become world champion in ’08 and was Ferrari’s leading driver through the first part of a difficult 2009 campaign too, before he suffered a terrible head injury during qualifying for the Hungarian GP. “We never were really comfortable – like if you drive and you have to try and do things that are not normal,” says Raikkonen of his first stint at Ferrari. “We never really found it and put things together. We changed the cars a little bit, but we just struggled compared to what we did in the first bit.” Raikkonen showed flashes of form in a very difficult 2009 Ferrari, which was not a strong answer to the regulatory upheaval of the previous winter. He qualified on the front row and finished third at Monaco, but he wasn’t proving so relentlessly impressive as he had done in his McLaren years– against a team-mate not rated as one of the absolute best on the grid.

“In ’08 Felipe was still in the stage of rapid improvement and overall Felipe was pretty much quicker than him, definitely in qualifying,” adds Smedley, who reckons Raikkonen’s “pure natural talent” made him better than Massa at looking after the rear tyres in races.“That was one of the things that really surprised me, because I expected him to come in and be blisteringly quick but not really manage things in such a mechanically sympathetic way, and in fact the opposite was true. One of the strengths he’s always got is that he can take the tyres further than anybody else and, wherever he goes, the team tries to exploit that.“It’s never a matter of application with Kimi – you just plug him in and he just does it. You often wonder [what would happen] if he had the level of application of others with his level of natural skill and tenacity, [but] one thing you can say about him is that he doesn’t bring any politics. The guy is absolutely apolitical.“I think that comes a little bit from not being interested in this world. The thing that is really important to him is going racing on a Sunday afternoon, qualifying, trying to be better than anybody else. And all the other periphery bits do not interest him. “And that’s kind of where he probably differs to 99.9% of the rest of us in F1. You wake up thinking about it, you go to sleep thinking about it – much to the annoyance of my wife! But that’s how we are– constantly striving to do better and be the best. I don’t think Kimi has that. I mean, he likes it here, he comes and drives his car, then he goes home, and doesn’t think about it a great deal after that.” The feeling inside Ferrari was that Massa was establishing himself as the quicker driver, and that messed with Raikkonen’s head. Raikkonen’s form certainly picked up following Massa’s accident. Kimi was on the podium at Budapest, Valencia and Monza, and beat Giancarlo Fisichella’s Force India to victory at Spa. His performances were made to look all the more remarkable by how badly Massa’s stand-ins Luca Badoer (who qualified slowest of all at Valencia and Spa) and Fisichella (who took over after Spa) struggled. But it wasn’t enough for Ferrari, which elected to pay Raikkonen out of the final two years of his contract to bring Alonso on board for 2010. Raikkonen is still guarded about the events that unfolded behind closed doors at Maranello, but says he was keen to get out of F1 in any case. “I have nothing to hide really,” says Raikkonen, who originally never planned for a long career in F1. “That’s how it played out and I was happy at that point to say, ‘OK, that’s fine and I’ll go’. Honestly, somethings happen in life and I didn’t feel bad about it. Obviously, I had a contract, but that got dealt with. They obviously wanted something else at that point, and for me that’s how it goes sometimes. I wanted to do something else anyhow.”

RETURN FROM THE WILDERNESS

Raikkonen was temporarily done with F1, but F1 wasn’t done with him. Throughout his two-year stint experimenting in the World Rally Championship, proposals were made for his return. Eventually, Raikkonen realised he missed the joy of wheel-to-wheel competition so began thinking seriously about a comeback. He held talks with Williams – “I had a meeting with Toto [Wolff]; he came to my home” – and Lotus, before opting to make his comeback with the Enstone outfit.“The year before I got people asking me if I wanted to come back– there was a lot of talk but I felt if I want to come back I needed to have a current team that people will at least try to put the money into,” Raikkonen explains. “I didn’t need the money, but I wanted a car and a team that actually had some chances to do something good, rather than just being there.”Raikkonen enjoyed a superb first season with Lotus. He finished every one of the 20 races held in 2012, was on the podium seven times, and claimed a victory in Abu Dhabi – the infamous GP where he told the team to “leave me alone I know what I’m doing” over the radio while preparing for a safety car restart.Then-Lotus team principal Eric Boullier recalls a driver who was“a bit rusty over one lap” at first, but “brilliant” in the races, despite spending two seasons out of the game.“His capability and racecraft was amazing,” recalls Boullier.“The good thing for him [was] he had Grosjean near to him, and he [Grosjean] was very fast on one lap but not as good [overall].The most amazing thing about Kimi is he has a great understanding.He has a GPS in his head. He’s doing his own strategy, it’s amazing. ”Boullier recalls the 2012 Hungarian GP as the perfect example of Raikkonen’s craft, where the Finn came from the third row of the grid to beat Grosjean (who qualified on the front row) to second by saving his tyres and running longer in each stint. “You just have to guess sometimes what he wants, because he’snot the best communicator in the world,” Boullier adds. “Kimi gets quite stressed sometimes; he needs people who understand him and can handle him.“He is charismatic – actually, his charisma is strong enough to make people fans of him. What would be better would be to have more motivation to push people around him. He’s not as complete as maybe a Vettel, but he is a great driver. Some drivers need support. He’s one of the guys who can do it on his own. He’s incredibly talented.“He’s quite easy [to work with] to be honest – as long as you give him space to breathe and you’re not on his back all the time.

That was key – to let him live his life. ”Reuniting Raikkonen with Slade (who came across from Mercedes to work with Kimi again) also proved crucial in helping Raikkonen get the most from his comeback, and Lotus get the best out of Raikkonen. “When he first came back, he was really enthusiastic,” remembers Slade. “Unfortunately, he got messed around a bit on the salary side of things. That was an annoyance, but in terms of the driving, I felt he was still exactly the same. I don’t think it’s any secret that he’snot a big fan of the F1 paddock scene and the stuff that goes with it.”It seemed those two seasons of F1, racing on the most extremely fragile rubber of the Pirelli control tyre era, also suited Raikkonen’s particular skillset. Often he would score a big result by making fewer pitstops than his rivals, but Raikkonen himself reckons the design of that generation of Lotus – conceived by James Allison’s team around the Renault V8 engine and exhaust-blown downforce – made more of a difference, giving him the “pure front-end” grip he needs to drive well. Whatever, the combination gelled superbly. Raikkonen added eight more podiums to his tally in 2013, winning the first race of the season in Melbourne and finishing second six times. An unfortunate retirement at Spa that year (thanks to a visor tear-off blocking a brake duct) broke an incredible run of 27 consecutive points finishes stretching back to the Bahrain GP of 2012. “He’s relentless,” says Slade. “I’d say Fernando is the closest in terms of achieving consistent results.” But into the latter part of 2013, Grosjean began to establish himself as the stronger and generally faster of the two Lotus drivers,even though he was twice defeated by Raikkonen overall in the championship. Grosjean describes Raikkonen as “the perfect  benchmark” and says he learned a lot from racing alongside the Finn. “As team-mates we didn’t talk much – maybe three times in two years!” Grosjean says. “Everybody thinks he doesn’t give a shit; he actually does. He works. Same as Fernando – the only thing he thinks on Sunday is 2pm, how to get the car to where he wants it to go.“Once I had a rear soft spring for a race and Kimi tried it and liked it. He was pushing to get the springs. He was trying even though you think he doesn’t [care]. It was interesting that everybody thinks he [just] comes and drives the car and goes. He actually works. ”Their head-to-head record as team-mates is also skewed slightly by the fact Raikkonen skipped the final two races of 2013 – quitting the team over a financial dispute and electing to have surgery on a long-standing back injury, legacy of a testing accident during his first season in F1 at Sauber. “Unfortunately the whole thing [was] destroyed by people that, in my mind, were just stupid to be honest,” Raikkonen says. “They had a great thing on their hands. “It’s not my business, but I left there purely because I didn’t get paid. Without it, who knows? But then obviously I got the offer from Ferrari. I never had a bad feeling with them when I left, despite people thinking that. You know how people always think it will end in a mess, but they offered me a new deal and I went back.”

WHY RAIKKONEN OWES HIS SECOND F1 CAREER TO RALLYING AND NASCAR

Kimi Raikkonen’s two-year sabbatical from F1 in 2010-2011 led him to try his hand at other forms of motorsport he’d long wished to dabble in but never had the time to do so while fully absorbed into grand prix racing’s goldfish bowl. Having sampled Rally Finland in the summer of 2009, Raikkonen contested most of the 2010 World Rally Championship as part of the Citroen Junior Team, and nine rounds of the 2011 championship with a DS 3 run under his own ‘Ice 1 Racing’ banner. There were many incidents, but also many top 10s. “I always wanted to try the rally stuff, because it looks so difficult,”says Raikkonen. “I wanted to see how it would go and I was happy to have the help from Red Bull to do it. I still think it’s a great sport, it’s so difficult. The problem is that it needs time – experience counts a lot more in rallying than in circuit racing.“In rallying you have to put the same effort in driving, but you [also] have to listen to your co-driver. The most difficult thing is that you have to think about what he says and then react. That takes too much time. When that starts to happen automatically then you can go faster, then it gets easier.I was close to getting to that point,then things happened and I ended up back in F1. ”Raikkonen also travelled Stateside in 2011, to try his hand at NASCAR. He contested the lower-tier Nationwide and Truck series races at Charlotte, qualifying mid-pack for his Nationwide outing.It was this experience that refired Raikkonen’s enthusiasm for circuit racing and accelerated his F1 return. “Without that happening then I would definitely not be here today,”he says. “I would never have lasted this long if I hadn’t had a few years doing something else, trying things.

MARANELLO COMEBACK

It was during Raikkonen’s financial dispute with Lotus that he agreed a two-year deal to return to Maranello. Initially, it looked as though signing Raikkonen was the perfect insurance policy for Ferrari,which seemed in danger of losing Alonso after failing to carry the fight to Vettel and Red Bull in 2013. But despite publicly criticising the team and being admonished by company president Luca di Montezemolo, Alonso stayed put (for the moment) and he and Raikkonen became team-mates for 2014, as Massa departed for a fresh start at Williams. Raikkonen’s first season back at the Scuderia was a real struggle.The first year of F1’s current V6 hybrid turbo era was Ferrari’s least competitive since 1993. The car was bad, Raikkonen couldn’t adapt it to his driving style, and was demolished in the championship by Alonso, 161 points to 55. Jonathan Neale recalls how McLaren found its suspension development pulled “in two different directions” owing to Raikkonen’s demand for instant steering response from its cars, and Pat Fry, who was Ferrari’s chief engineer when Raikkonen returned in 2014, found his team coming up against an age-old problem – one exacerbated by stiff and hard Pirelli tyres that Raikkonen often struggled to get working for a single flying lap in qualifying. “He has a very smooth driving style – you’ve got to get rid of the understeer in the car,” says Fry. “You can obviously play around with suspension geometries and stuff like that to try and give him the feel,and sort out power-steering and all that stuff. ”The process was made trickier by Alonso’s long-standing presence as Ferrari’s number one driver, which inevitably led the team in a development direction that suited Alonso, before he departed for the ill-fated McLaren-Honda project.“In all the years I’ve worked with Kimi, the year I saw him struggle the most was that first year back at Ferrari,” says his long-time trainer Mark Arnall. “Coming from Lotus, where he had a good front-end on the car and had podium after podium after podium, it’s not like he suddenly forgot how to drive – he just couldn’t get a balance with that 2014 car.” But Raikkonen commanded the faith of technical director James Allison, with whom he worked at Lotus previously, and knew that he would have to play the long game at Ferrari to get back to where he needed to be.“I knew what I was getting into,” Raikkonen says. “With the engineers, I wouldn’t say they were bad – maybe the fit wasn’t what I wanted. It just didn’t work, I suppose, and our car was not very good.

“The front end has to be right there. If it’s not right, it’s not right,unfortunately. When it’s right things are very easy. Even when you have a good year, it’s a little percentage that’s perfect. There’s always something. There’s so many things that you have no control over.“Some days everything goes perfectly fine, and some days whatever you do it seems to be against you, but I’ve been long enough in the sport to know it. People look at you in one race and if you struggle they slag you off, but I’m used to it so it doesn’t bother me too much.“I want myself to do well and I know what I can do. That’s more important for me. Obviously, it’s not nice when you are in a team like Ferrari and the results are not coming, [but] I had no issues with them and I knew that things would turn out to be just fine with time. It just took some patience.” Raikkonen’s form has gradually improved since that annus horribilis, during which time the Ferrari senior management has changed, the technical structure has changed, the identity of his team-mate has changed, and so has his engineering group. Drafting in Dave Greenwood as his race engineer at the end of 2014 has made a massive difference for Raikkonen. “The car has been getting better and better every year, and a big part for me has been the people,” Raikkonen explains. “Dave is for sure one of the greatest guys that I have ever worked with. I would compare him with Slade – I very highly rate them. “For me it’s important that when we do something, everything has to be exactly like it should be. A very easy example: the ride height,if it’s [supposed] to be 20mm, it has to be 20mm; it can’t be 21mm or 19mm.“When everything is ‘close enough’, and you have five or six things like that, we all know in F1 how much difference small things make,then suddenly the lap time is not so perfect anymore.”Vettel has generally outperformed Raikkonen since arriving at Maranello in 2015, but their similar set-up demands and harmonious working relationship is helping drive Ferrari’s development in a single direction, and the Scuderia is now finally carrying the fight to Mercedes in the world championship – though it is Vettel leading the charge rather than Raikkonen. “Of all F1 drivers, he is probably closer to him [Vettel] than any of the others,” says Arnall, who arranged for Vettel to travel with Raikkonen on a private jet when Vettel was first in F1, and recalls Vettel’s rapid progression playing badminton against Raikkonen. “Kimi always liked Seb and I think Seb always liked Kimi. They are good friends – as much as you can be in this sort of environment. “The thing about Kimi is that he is not political at all, so I think to be a team-mate of, he is actually very easy as he doesn’t stir up any shit in the background – he is very transparent. Harmony in the team is something that is massively underrated. It makes a huge difference.”Paired alongside Vettel, Raikkonen’s own performances have steadily improved too, to the point where he has earned three contract extensions, which will keep him in F1 until after his 39th birthday.Questions about his ultimate speed and consistency remain, though, stoked further by occasional criticism from Ferrari president Sergio Marchionne, who has described Raikkonen as an occasional “laggard” in races. But Raikkonen’s pole position in Monaco proves he can still be faster than anyone when things are right, and his pernickety obsession with car set-up and tyre behaviour, plus the deep levels of valuable experience from F1’s tyre war era he can bring to bear in an age of severely limited testing, make him a valuable commodity, even if the price is the odd lacklustre performance.“I think Kimi is one of those guys that if he thought, ‘I just can’t drive one of these cars as quick as I used to’, he would stop,” reckons Arnall. “Kimi brings a shit load of experience,he’s very good with the development of the car, very non-political, an easy team-mate for people to have, so I think as an overall package,he is [still] very good.“I think his belief is that he can still compete near the top. He is very honest with himself – if he didn’t think that was the case, he’d stop.”Many would argue that he should have stopped a while ago, that his continuing presence on the grid, in such a coveted seat, is baffling when you consider he hasn’t been definitively quicker than any of his last four team-mates in F1. But what does Raikkonen himself think – does he believe he is as good a driver now as he ever was? “That’s so hard to say,” he replies. “I feel that I can drive as well as 2007 and 2001, or whatever people think has been my best ever [year]. For me, if I didn’t feel that I can drive well, or couldn’t win races or championships, I wouldn’t be here, because I don’t have interest to waste my own time and everyone else’s time. “I value my own time too much to use it on something that I wouldn’t be happy with, or that I wouldn’t think that I can actually do well. Plus, all the other people who would waste their time and money or on something that I just want to be part of. It’s not the most friendly place to be if you don’t really want to be…” That Ferrari continues to place its faith in Raikkonen suggests it feels, beyond the headline results and numbers, that he is still fundamentally among the very best drivers in the world, and that it recognises those deeper layers of style, character, substance and ability that make Raikkonen something more than the sum of his parts. He is enigmatic and mercurial, hasn’t been world champion for a decade, but clearly possesses extra qualities that F1’s biggest team finds are still worth investing in. He may lack the single-minded dedication of some of his peers,he may not be the out-and-out fastest driver on the grid anymore, he may well be too Button-esque in his over-reliance on particular car characteristics to drive quickly. He may not be as adaptable as some of his rivals, and F1 may only be a job to him, rather than an all-consuming obsession – but what’s wrong with being naturally gifted enough at your job that you don’t feel the need to take your work home with you every day?His critics will argue that’s not good enough, that Raikkonen has long outstayed his welcome. If Ferrari hands him another contract extension, they will no doubt be outraged if this enigma is given yet another lease of life. But one thing is for sure, Raikkonen will not care what they think. “I can live my life very happy,” Raikkonen says. “Obviously, my aim is to win races and I’m not happy when I’m not doing well. My biggest issue when I’m getting older is that I care too much. In the past, I didn’t care much. Now, when I have a bad weekend it’s more painful because I care more. Before it was still painful, but I got over it very quickly. “I never tried to be anything else than myself. If people like it, that’s good; if people don’t like it, that’s fine. As long as I’m happy what I’m doing, that’s my only interest. I’m not trying to please people because then I don’t live my life as I should. I live my life for myself. “I always said I have a life and that F1 is just a part of that. It’s not like F1 is all your life and then you have nothing. In my mind, I have the opposite. I mean F1, yes I love it and I enjoy doing it, but it’s not my life. My life is outside of it, and that’s how it should be.”

MARK ARNALL- RAIKKONEN’S LONG-TIME PERSONAL TRAINER

How does the Kimi of now compare to the Kimi you first knew back in 2001?

He didn’t really care too much about the PR stuff, he wasn’t interested in that glamour side of it, being famous, I think he would much rather be anonymous! Every time he got in the car all he wanted to do was drive the crap out of it. When I started working with him, I could never imagine him being a father. Now seeing him with two kids is a phenomenal transformation. He is fantastic dad. I think all drivers, everyone learns, go through life and grow; experience teaches a lot. If you look at Kimi, the PR stuff he does now and what the sponsors say, everyone is super happy with him, and he’s got a global following of fans.

He doesn’t give much away in public; is he a shy character?

I think that mysterious side to him is intriguing for people. I don’t think he is particularly shy – the whole fan side of things,he obviously understands Formula 1, knows he is a popular driver, but it is not something he deliberately tries to play to, he just tries to get on with the job and what comes with it comes with it. One area he is very good is with kids. There was a guy who come up to me in Spa once, with this charity, to say this girl has cancer and she’d just love a picture with him or to say ‘hi’, and he spent 25 minutes sitting down and talking to her.

Is he quite a difficult character to work with? He polarises opinion – some people get him and say he is brilliant,others say he is completely closed off, difficult to work with…

The nicest thing I’d say about Kimi is what you see is what you get. Zero bullshit, zero politics. Kimi’s always been his own character and will always make his own decisions. He’s got a very strong head on those shoulders, so if he doesn’t want to do something, it is really difficult to get him to do it.

It sounds like he is not too demanding, quite independent and knows his own mind.

That is quite an accurate description of what he is like. I think he is probably the opposite to what most people think. If I was to describe Kimi, it would be ‘Mr 110%’. Goes into the gym and goes 110%. If he is lying on his sofa, he’ll go 110% horizontal! When he drives anything, it would be 110%, if he goes out it is 110%. I think that is just the way he lives his life.

The public persona is the ‘Iceman’: cool, disinterested, closed-off. Is he really like that?

In most situations, he is like that, but Kimi is actually a very warm, big-hearted character, and he has got a phenomenal sense of humour, but that is not really something people see. He needs to like people as well. If he doesn’t particularly like being with someone, he doesn’t do anything other than just ignore them.There is no bullshit, if he doesn’t like someone, he is quite straight about it. I think I’ve seen all the different versions of him, but I wouldn’t carry on working with him if I thought he was an arse. I actually really like him. I think he is super genuine, superkind. That is something people don’t really see so much.

[misselaineousme-blog]

Reading List

In my last blog entry I mentioned the book How to do Everything and Be Happy and how it made a positive influence on my monthly schedule. Following up on it, I thought this would be a good opportunity to provide a list of some of the books that I have found helpful or interesting over the past few years. They range from productivity hacks to using behavioural science to improve your day to a few that are from way out in left field. Curious? Good! Let’s get started …

How to do Everything and Be Happy (Peter Jones): This is one of the books that kicked things off for me, making me realise that there are simple changes you can make to put yourself in control of your own life.  The writing style is engaging and is a good first port of call if you’re interested in adding a bit more organisation and happiness into your life.

How to Have a Good Day: The essential toolkit for a productive day at work and beyond (Caroline Webb): In a related vein, How to Have a Good Day uses a solid scientific base to examine many aspects of modern working life, with helpful tips and tricks to help you construct a better work day. This book will make you look at your day-to-day interactions in a whole new light.

59 Seconds: Think a little, change a lot (Richard Wiseman): Don’t feel you have enough time in the day to read the other books on this list? Then this one is for you. These bitesize nuggets of behaviour change are worth considering.

Do It Tomorrow and Other Secrets of Time Management (Mark Forester): This and the author’s Get Everything Done and Still Have Time to Play take a new approach to time management.  I freely admit that my current job is not compatible with the system he describes, but if you have more control over your schedule, then this is definitely worth a look.

The 12 Week Year (Brian P. Moran and Michael Pennington): This is a completely different approach to productivity, goal setting, and scheduling than I’ve come across previously, I am still trying to get my head around the system (it’s not that complicated, I’ve just had a rather full plate recently!), but I can see how it can help increase both work productivity and personal accomplishments ... if you can make the time to implement it.

The Power of Habit (Charles Duhigg): Nearly 40% of what we do each day is down to habit. This books provides a great overview of the habit cycle—cue, routine, and reward—and the wiring of the brain that allows habits to form and to be overwritten.  [Related to this is S.J. Scott’s Habit Stacking, but I prefer the approachable science behind Duhigg’s book].

Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us (Daniel Pink): What makes you tick? This book provides an excellent background to the science of motivation, both intrinsic and extrinsic drivers.  For example, job satisfaction tends to be motivated by the intrinsic factors of autonomy, mastery, and sense of purpose – not the size of the pay check.

Flow: The Psychology of Happiness (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi): This is a classic book that examines the commonalities that occur when people are so wrapped up in an activity that they want nothing more than to continue doing it. Why do some activities cause this “flow” state and some do not? I am only about halfway through the book at the moment (and some of it is hit or miss to be honest), but if you’ve followed me this far, it is a good companion to many of the books on this list.  

Authentic: How to be yourself and why it matters (Stephen Joseph): I think many of us spend our lives compartmentalising ourselves, for example by presenting one face at work and another at home. Yet the tension between the two can be stressful and difficult to manage in the long term. This book helps focus on what actually drives us as individuals, and I certainly found the exercises eye opening and thought provoking. It also has given me something to strive for: eudaimonia, living life to its fullest potential.

Inside the Nudge Unit: How small changes can make a big difference (David Halpern):  The idea behind “nudging” is in the sub-title: small changes can yield a big difference when applied to various social problems.  For example, requiring people to opt out of a desired behaviour (e.g. enrolling on a pension scheme) instead of opting in leads to greater uptake. This book originates from Nudge (which I have not read yet) and is a good overview of how the techniques have been tested and applied in the UK.

Black Box Thinking: The surprising truth about success (Matthew Syed): This was a standout from my reading over the past year. It makes you reconsider failure and how an organisation’s approach to mistakes can either help or hinder it on a systemic level.  Incredibly thought provoking.

Be a Free-Range Human (Marianne Cantwell): If you are tired of being trapped in the career cage and are seeking an escape, or are just starting to test the waters of life outside the cubicle, then this book is for you. I have read a number of books about starting a business or freelancing, and this is hands down my favourite.  

Making a Living Without a Job (Barbara Winter): As I said, I have read numerous books on this topic!  This is another very good one; sometimes it feels a little behind the times (I don’t recall the internet or social media getting a mention in the edition I read), but she has some solid ideas for how to escape the 9-to-5.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking:  As an extreme introvert, I found this a fascinating read about how culture shapes whether introverts or extroverts are prized and how each deals with the world in very different ways.  A must read for introverts or people who live with, work with, or teach introverts.

The Big Necessity: Adventures In the World of Human Waste (Rose George): I did say some of these would be from left field … I was probably predisposed to like this book as I spend quite a bit of my time thinking and writing about a different type of human waste (i.e. litter), but the importance of proper hygiene and sewage, and its place in history, makes this both an eye-opening and engaging book.

All of these come with the caveat that the books are products of their time. Some behavioural science studies have recently been shown to have less of an effect than originally supposed, and the jury still seems to be out on techniques like priming. Like I mentioned last week, be curious: don’t believe everything hook, line, and sinker, and instead dig a little deeper if something sounds too good to be true. And, finally, these are all Amazon affiliate links; feel free to use them or go elsewhere if you’re interested in reading these books.

[elsanna-shenanigans]

August Contest Submission #19: Budding Romance

Words: ca. 3,000 Setting: mAU Lemon: No CW: None

Elsa doesn't even look up as the door to her little shop opens; not because she's rude, or disinterested, or ignorant, but rather because she's spent the last fifteen minutes counting the petals on every flower in a daisy bouquet for a very pedantic customer, and she knows she won't survive if she has to restart. Again.

The newcomer doesn't immediately approach the counter, instead moving to have a look at a few of Elsa's pre-made bouquets. She's eternally grateful, and within thirty seconds, Elsa manages to finish counting the last flower with a sigh of relief. It's perfect – just what they want.

Moving the bouquet to the side, she greets, "Welcome to Nip It!" a warm smile on her face as she finally looks up. "Oh, Anna! Hello." The smile, still warm, relaxes and becomes softer. "That time of the week already?"

Anna offers a shy chuckle. "You know it," she says. She's standing near the aromatic bouquets today – lavenders, gardenias, and hyacinths, among others. They provide a lovely frame, a backdrop to her own energy and beauty, and Elsa wishes she could capture the moment on film. "These are new," Anna continues, unaware of the thoughts running through Elsa's head. "Your design?"

Now, the smile is proud. "They are! Freshly cut only yesterday, too. Are you interested in one?" The question is only a little insincere; after three months of weekly visits, Anna has yet to buy a single bouquet. Though she's probably bought almost every flower at this point, Elsa muses.

Anna approaches the counter before answering. She seems to be giving it serious thought, biting her bottom lip. "Nah. Not today, I think. When I get a bouquet, I think I want it to be a little more... specific."

"Specific flowers, or for a specific someone?" Elsa smirks, chest light, glad for reasons she cannot name that Anna's refused. Anna remains silent. She's blushing red, and Elsa shouldn't enjoy teasing her this much, shouldn't enjoy this friendly banter that isn't quite "professional-and-client" anymore. She can't honestly say she has many "regulars", though, and a shocking number of clients buy flowers from her as apologies for infidelities or tragic circumstances. Anna's a breath of fresh air in that regard. "Well, we did get some new stock in yesterday, too. Fancy ones." Anna's eyes light up, and she leans in a little closer. She doesn't have to say anything for Elsa to know what she wants.

Shooting her a wink – an overtly brave gesture Elsa immediately regrets – she heads out the back of her little shop. There's another workbench out here, and messy shelving full of pots and ribbons and other decorations. Elsa soundly ignores it all in favour of pausing to put her head in her hands. Just for a moment to address her own burning embarrassment before neatly compartmentalising. 

Once she's had her moment, Elsa returns to the actual reason she'd come back here: a huge selection of flowers, ready for her to work her magic and build outstanding bouquets. She doesn't bother – that's not her goal – and instead plucks a single flower from amongst the mix before heading back out to the front room.

It takes her a second to find Anna; she's standing amongst the sunflowers. Elsa doesn't interrupt yet, spending a few seconds committing the image to memory; camera or no, she wants to remember this.

Anna jumps when Elsa does finally approach, clearly not having heard her return, and Elsa holds out the flower with a proud, "Ta-da!". Anna's eyes widen as she takes the purple flower gently from Elsa's hands. "Oh, Elsa. This is beautiful. Is it for me?"

With an easy smile and a small shrug, Elsa nods. "You, or whoever the mystery person you always only ever buy one flower for," she says. Then, because she doesn't want to linger on that last thought, she adds, "That's a crocus – I had to put in a special order for it, so take care of it."

"It's very pretty," Anna says softly. Her eyes are glued to the delicate purple petals, ranging from a deep regal shade at the base to a simple pastel at the tip. It's a glorious design, and to see the pretty blush on Anna's face makes it well worth the additional cost in getting them here. Anna brings it up to her nose, inhaling lightly. "Oh, this is wonderful!"

Elsa steps back, a little bubble of pride expanding in her chest. "It's my favourite flower. Especially the purple ones."

"I'm not surprised." Anna smiles. There's a comfortable silence that perhaps lingers a little too long, but it doesn't seem as though Anna minds. She's the one to break it, though. "You know, Elsa," she says, holding up the crocus. "I actually... think I'm ready for that bouquet today. Do you have any more of these?"

Against Elsa's expectations, Anna seems to have a pretty good idea for what she'd like in the bouquet. Usually, Elsa has to poke and prod and piece together the perfect arrangement because people have no idea what they want. Given that Anna's spent weeks here with no clear intention to purchase an one, Elsa had thought she'd be the same. Not so: it's clear she's been planning it for a while.

Anna's going for something really special.

She keeps looking at the flower in her hand, smiling. It makes sense that she wants the croci to be the centrepiece, and Elsa's glad that they could be used in such a heartfelt display. She is! She's glad Anna has chosen them, that she's asked Elsa to make a special, specific bouquet; the perfect bouquet for the perfect person. And yet, even with that truth – for it is, most certainly, true – Elsa still has a niggling sensation in the back of her head. Doubt, perhaps, or regret, or some other unnamed emotion. She tries her best to ignore it, and instead just bathe vicariously in Anna's good cheer.

"The magnolias, obviously," Anna says when Elsa asks what other flowers she'd like. Of course it isn't obvious to Elsa, but she won't complain. Magnolias are lovely, one of her favourites to work with. "And I know you mentioned the calla lilies not that long ago, said you were getting green ones in? I think she— I think that would be nice."

She. Elsa bites the inside of her lip. "So, purple and green theme?" A strange choice, but intriguing. "Sounds fun – and you know how I feel about fun." She makes a note on her pad, and says almost absent-mindedly, "I'm glad you're not going for the traditional roses."

Anna tilts her head and gives an odd smile. "Oh? Why's that?"

Elsa looks up. "Why's what?"

"Why are you glad I'm not going for roses?"

For a very long moment, Elsa doesn't have an answer for her. "Oh. Just. This is more fun for me." She looks away, back at her notepad. "Anything else? Something aromatic?"

At that, Anna shrugs, biting her bottom lip in thought. "I'd like to, but I don't know what she'd like. Recommendations?"

Elsa looks at the list. She'll probably use Lady's Mantle and Baby's Breath as a filler, so... “Heliotropes? They go with the colour scheme and smell divine."

"Sounds like a plan. Oh, this is so exciting!"

Letting out a little chuckle, Elsa finds she can't quite look at Anna. "It shouldn't take me long to do this up," she says. "If you'd like to wait? Or come back after lunch?"

"I think I'll wait, if that's okay? I just." She sighs, and for once, doesn't seem very excited. "If this," she says softly, nodding at the crocus still in her hand, "doesn't go well, I may not be back for a while." 

Elsa nods in understanding, looking down at the list in her hand. She wants to say something encouraging, but her chest has become unexpectedly tight, and she doesn't know how to cheer Anna up when she herself is feeling so unexpectedly low.

"I'm sure it will go well," she says eventually. "I can't imagine anyone turning you down."

And then, before either have a chance to dwell on those words, she turns around and heads out the back.

By the time she returns, Anna's moved again. She's still standing by the counter, but now she's off to the side, looking at a display of cards. They're all handmade by a local artist, so they're a little pricier than grocery-store cards. Elsa could bulk-order from Hallmark fairly cheap, but she likes supporting a good cause.

They are really gorgeous cards.

"Hey, do I have to pay for this first before I write in it?" Anna asks. She's got a selection of cards, trying to narrow down the perfect one, and a thoughtful frown on her face. 

"For you? Nah," Elsa says. And maybe that'll come back to bite her, but she trusts Anna. The grateful smile she receives in return is well worth it. Might be the last time she sees it.

The thought is sufficiently depressing, so she sits on her stool and gets to work. There's enough furniture-as-shelves for Anna to find a space to sit down, too, once she moves a few flower pots. Usually Elsa would head out the back to do this – it requires more concentration than people think, and customers are distracting – but Anna's perfectly polite and considerate. Still distracting, but for completely different reasons that Elsa refuses to dwell on. She only interrupts twice; the first is to get Elsa to choose the card because she can't make up her mind, and the second is to get an approximate price so she can move some money around.

"The card is ten. The bouquet... forty?"

Anna frowns at her. "The bouquet is definitely more than forty," she says. She points at one of the pre-arranged displays. "That one is forty."

"Fine, forty-five."

"Els..."

Anna actually looks angry with her, which is the last thing Elsa wants. She's just doing a good turn for a... customer. Anna's just a customer.

"It's fine, Anna. I'm not losing out, and you gave me a chance to work with all my favourites."

Anna still doesn't look happy, but she says nothing. She turns back to the card, planning whatever she wants to write on a spare piece of paper Elsa had given her. Elsa had offered to write the message herself – part of the service – but Anna declined. She thinks it'll be more special, more personal, if she does it herself, and Elsa tries not to think about it very much at all.

Instead, she focuses on the flowers in front of her. Anna's chosen the perfect amount – not so many that it's too busy, nor so few that it's bland and boring. The fresh heliotropes and magnolias add to the dusky scent in the small shop, and the new buds cover her fingertips in pinheads of soft pollen, a warm, familiar cocoon around Elsa's senses. It's almost enough. Almost.

Why did she have to show Anna the crocus? If she hadn't, Anna wouldn't get a bouquet today and Elsa could still look forward to seeing her next week. Her eyes flicker up, and then away again when she makes eye contact.

"Almost done," she calls out, as though that were an excuse for having looked. "Got your message ready?"

Anna stands up and makes her way over. "I think so," she says. "I mean, I was just gonna write 'please date me', but I don't think that would fit with the aesthetic."

Elsa lets out a snort, adjusting the position of the magnolias around the lilies. It looks rather good. She doesn’t look at Anna. "No, probably not. Still, there's something to be said for forthrightness. Certainly seems your style."

"Yeah, well," Anna says. "I don't think it's hers, and I'm trying something new, I guess."

Nodding, Elsa maintains her focus on the bouquet and not, at least outwardly, on the woman in front of her. There are only a few finishing touches left; ribbons, mostly, but she also has this special glitter dusting that's biodegradable and makes all the petals shimmer. It's normally an extra cost, but for Anna... well, Elsa wants to do it. Delicately, she applies it, and though the urge is there to paint every petal, she knows that in this instance, less is more.

"Ta-da," she says gently, much more muted than earlier. Anna's eyes light up when Elsa lifts the bouquet from her workstation and onto the counter-top.

"Oh, Elsa..." she says, voice bordering on reverential. "It's stunning."

Elsa smiles weakly. "I think it's the best one I've ever done," she says. It's true. She almost wishes it weren't. "So, card?"

"Oh! Um, gimme a sec," Anna says. She's blushing now, bright red, and it manages to drag a smile to Elsa's lips. Only for a moment, and Anna doesn't see it anyway because she's turned back to her previous seat, hurriedly scribbling out her message onto the card before stuffing it into the envelope. When she returns, she keeps her gaze down, focused squarely on the little envelope in her hands. It sounds like she really likes this person – must do, if she's going to all this effort. Elsa finds her chest to be suddenly heavy, and she can't quite hide the melancholia before Anna looks up.

She notices straight away.

"Hey. Everything okay?"

Swallowing, Elsa finds it takes a little too long to find her voice, so she nods first. "Y-yeah. Just... thinking. About what you said earlier, about your visits. I hope whoever this is for appreciates it, Anna."

"I'm fairly sure you're the only one able to truly appreciate what you've made today, Els," Anna says seriously. "And I... I don't know. I think it'll go well. She seems interested in me, which means I'll have to keep coming here." Anna's beaming. Elsa offers a pathetic imitation in return.

"You better get this to her quick, then. No more wasted time, eh?" She pops a little plastic card-stand into the bouquet, holding out her hand for the envelope. Anna doesn't pass it over – she slots the envelope into place herself. There's no name on it. Elsa distracts herself with the till. 

"No name?" she comments mildly. 

"Nah. She'll know it's for her," Anna says, pulling out her debit card. The pay-wave flatlines, the beep a death sentence, and Elsa's throat tightens. She offers a smile, because it seems appropriate, even if it doesn't reach her eyes.

"Good luck, Anna." The words are heartfelt and sincere, despite the heavy thudding in her chest. Anna smiles that beautiful smile before looking away.

"Thanks, Els," she says, "But... I don't think I need it."

And then she turns around and walks out of the shop.

It's so sudden and unexpected that Elsa's momentarily at a loss, knocked off kilter by surprise and disappointment. She knew Anna had to leave, but she'd expected at least a "see ya!" or a "catch you later!". Not... this.

Blinking rapidly, she looks away.

The bouquet is still on the counter.

The bouquet is still on the counter.

Elsa's breath catches in her throat as she stares. Looks up at the door, shut behind Anna and seemingly with no intent to reopen. Looks down again at the bouquet. It seems to be mocking, and if this had been any other customer, Elsa would have chased after them, trying to minimise their embarrassment at their own forgetfulness. This time, she finds she can't. She can't even bring herself to look away.

A Mexican standoff that she was always destined to lose, she finally, shakingly, reaches out a hand towards the envelope Anna had only just positioned. Her brain seems to be working double-time, never staying on one thought long enough for her to acknowledge it, let alone dwell. 

No. No, this has to be some kind of– no. Anna's just forgetful. She'll be back soon, laughing at herself.

There's no way she planned this.

And yet, Elsa knows she's wrong. Those affirmations don't stop her from plucking the envelope from the display, as gentle as she'd pick a flower from her own garden. It isn't sealed. 

I've waited three months to find out your favourite flower. It's been worth every second. I almost wish it had taken longer. If you're willing to share, Elsa, I'd love to learn even more. Anna xx

Elsa chokes. Anna planned this?

Holding the card tight, Elsa darts around the counter. She heads for the door, wishing she had chased after Anna because there's no number, no address, no nothing to find her now. Such a bald declaration and yet Elsa can do absolutely nothing with it. Wrenching the door open, she finds herself coming to an immediate, hard stop.

Anna's standing on the footpath, facing the shop. She holds the crocus Elsa had given her earlier in one hand. She's bright red.

"So..."

Elsa inhales sharply. She doesn't want Anna to speak yet. "Are- are those… for me?" she asks, staring with wide eyes. There's no doubt as to what she's referring. She hardly dares to believe it, but there's no other possibility – at least, not one she can see. "You got me… to make a bouquet... for myself?" Her voice is, despite the earlier inhalation, breathless.

Anna lets out a short chuckle, hand coming up to rub the back of her neck. "It um. It seemed like a good idea in my head," she says.

Elsa lets out a sniffle and a bark of laughter. "You didn't have to go to all this trouble," she says, and now she's started, she can't stop smiling. It's for her. Anna had been doing exactly what she does; poking and prodding and figuring out, all so she could make the perfect bouquet. All she'd needed was one last ingredient: Elsa's favourite flower.

"Like I said," Anna began, moving towards her. "Forthrightness isn't her style, and I'm trying something new."

Nodding, Elsa looks back down at the flower in Anna's hand, and thinks back to the bouquet still on her counter. "I've never received flowers before," she says softly. Then, setting her jaw, she looks back up. "Let me try something new, too," she says. "Because there's a girl I like, and she's usually very direct. Anna," she pauses to swallow, to stall for the courage to be blunt. "Anna, please date me."

The grin Anna gives her, full of affection and mirth, is as beautiful as the sunrise after a devastating storm.

"I don't think I've ever wanted anything more."