#I don't even know the proper tags anymore because it has been so long

[americanphancakes]

I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

[winterzsurprise]

Change My Mind [2]

Pairing: BTS x reader

SUMMARY: As a make-up artist, you were expected to glamorize your clients with brushes and products that cost a week-worth of food, not to befriend them outside of work, let alone have them save you from dates yet here you are five years later as one of their closest confidants.

Being a stylist of the world's biggest boyband is no easy feat, someone is doing flips, someone can't stay still and one's asleep but its fine, you can work around their chaos but what you can't do is accept the fact that they're your soulmates.

Tags: Soulmates AU, Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Not Beta Read, Slow Build, Polyamory

Words: 8.6k

I posted this a day later than the one on ao3 because I forgor :''DD

Seeing the support and comments from both website got me off my ass to fix the storyline, even made a lot of changes on the chapters I've had preserved.

this chapter got rewritten a LOT, and was longer than it initially was so I hope y'all don't mind long chapters.

[1] [2] [3] ...

__________

There's been times where your heart has truly fluttered for a man throughout your lifetime. Too many times has it been because some of your bosses (read: Jimin) flirted with you but you have never felt anything remotely giddy for anyone else outside the group.

Except for the man now sitting in front of you, flashing you a dimpled smile after handing out his card with an ease you only see in your friends and male leads in dramas. An action more attractive than any kabaedon or flexed muscles.

He's attractive but you don't like like him.

Yoo Guwon came to you as a bashful giant, rubbing the back of his head whenever he’s flustered and a constant sheepish smile featuring his deep set of dimples indented on both cheeks. He’s charming and articulate with his words just like a lawyer would be. Everything about him reminds you of another gentle and clumsy giant probably hunched over his music equipment back in the BigHit building.

It’s only been a few hours but you surprisingly covered most of the basic grounds of first meeting conversations during the short time you drove around Han River in a two seated bicycle. From the meager questions of ‘what dreams do you have?’ to the more complex and deeper ‘If the world falls into ruin, will you burn my body when I die?’. 

Too graphic for a first date but you wanted to test the waters and you concluded that he’s too perfect.

He knows the right words to say, the proper way to act and it makes you suspicious. Your mother has never recommended you to a good guy before, having a track record of ten shitty suitors who all ran their mouths about their mediocre achievements, and dared to ask you about your purity before ranting about how dirty you are for not saving yourself for your husband the moment they find out you're not a virgin anymore. Then all of a sudden, she led you to good boy Guwon.

And it makes your skin crawl.

What did that woman eat? Has your father fed her something bad this time? What is she planning? It’s scary how she has finally advocated for an actual nice guy.

After taking you to a museum you're sure Namjoon has visited once, he drove you both to the Han River to rent a double seated bike to drive around with before ending the night with a nice reservation somewhere in the Seocho district.

The place is as sophisticated as fine dining areas usually are. With an intimate lighting, marbled tabletops matched with soft cushioned seats and high ceilings to make space for modern glass chandeliers, the restaurant was no doubt expensive, the type you have to reserve a spot two months prior to be able to experience its greatness. The point was driven home when you saw the amount of zeros it cost for one can of soda. 

You asked him how he managed to get a table and he went down the rabbit hole of the many advantages he got from successful cases, ranging from a free monthly subscription to fruit baskets to a free week-long voucher to a five star hotel somewhere in Busan. 

Going back to the butterflies, while not as wild as it got when Hoseok possessively wrapped an arm thrown around your waist to pretend as your boyfriend to ward off a persistent suitor, they're there, albeit subtle.

Very subtle.

Maybe it's in the way he didn't think twice to hand out his card towards the waiter in the most suave way with the thick golden watch decorating his wrist, sleeves neatly folded up to reveal the thick cords of veins on his forearms with his hair strewn messily and a dimpled smile that made you react like that.

You ignore the voice comparing his uncannily similar traits to someone else.

Meeting Guwon wasn't like how the movies illustrated love at first sights. They talked of fireworks exploding in the background and hearing the sweet chimes of wedding bells upon eye contact but for him, it's just that. A meeting far more formal than you'd like. He has a lot of qualities that check your list of husband material traits yet instead of butterflies, you could only feel an echoing hollowness in your chest as you listen to him list out his future plans. 

It felt like surrendering to the fate the divinities had weaved out for you which is being an untethered forced to love someone you don't even feel any spark with.

He's a nice man who’s offering a comfortable future and you're just a woman who wishes to live a lavish life at home while your husband wastes his years away in the office. You might be a hopeless romantic who wished for soulmates and the like but you're not blind to the opportunity Guwon offers you.

You haven't texted the gc anything during the date other than the selfie you took before you left for the date but there's been constant vibrations in your purse and it's no doubt the guys asking for updates but for a moment you wanted to try to focus on the man before you.

Not that it wasn't hard to try with Guwon anyways.

Whenever the man spoke of his achievements and hobbies with a humble approach, he never forgot to ask you for your opinion or input on the topic. You also noted how he has never cut you off and let you speak whenever you wanted, listening with an eagerness only your friends usually show. He asked relevant questions with a genuine curiosity, eager to know more about you. 

So when he asked if you wanted to go on a second date that night, it came to no surprise for anyone when you accepted it albeit the heaviness in your heart.

It was funny how eagerly you searched for a husband you could bring to your parents' doorsteps but the moment someone with all the qualities you seeked came, it felt disappointing. Boring even.

But you can learn, this man is your ticket to living without working anymore.

It came to no one's surprise that your mother was overjoyed, she wasted no time calling you before you could even change to squeeze the memory of today out of you.

The shrill scream of victory she let out that night was unforgettable because finally, a suitor you actually liked. Your dad even congratulated her off-screen for her matchmaking achievements before telling you to bring Guwon home to meet them.

Logically, you’re aware you've won the love roulette—Guwon has it all, he checked every box on your list, yet it felt like defeat and it tasted foul, bitter on your tongue.

You couldn't tell them that it was you deciding to settle, that would break her heart.

Tapping the end call button felt like the dam breaking and all the water held onto for so long flowed out. You fall lifelessly on your bed with a heavy sigh. Taking a couple evening breaths, you finally opened the group chat with an overwhelming number of unread messages.

[Today, 08:49]

[08:49] Mimi: I'd run my bank dry to take you on dates if you'd dress so pretty like that, noona~

[08:49]Tete: We're really seeing this for free when the poor guy has to pay for it. #livingapriviledgedlife😁👍

[08:49] Hobi: Wow noona🤯

[08:50] Yoongs: 👍

[08:55] Tete: Wait, I don't think those shoes fit you, go back home and change it😁

[08:56] Jinnie: Hey, you're showing too much skin on the first date! Go back and change!

[08:57] Joonie: Ignore these haters noona, I hope you enjoy your day😊

[Today, 21:48]

[21:48] Jinnie: are you home yet? You haven't seen our messages in HOURS.

[21:48] Tete: NOONA DID YOU GET MURDERED?!😱

[21:50] Joonie: Let's be rational guys, don't jump to conclusions. The date might just be going great if she's busy enough to not check her phone😊.

[21:51] Mimi: doing great? don't scare me like that hyung😵‍💫

[21:51] Tete: BUT WHAT IF SHE GOT KIDNAPPED HYUNG????

[21:51] Hobi: please reply soon, we're worried🥲

Jungkook's absence from the conversation didn't come to you as a shock, the kid doesn't even reply to you for a week despite being one of the people who raised him. Nonetheless, you sat up from your bed to record a quick video of you giving them a thumbs up and turning the camera to show your room.

The latter was an assurance to Taehyung that no, you also didn't get kidnapped into someone else's house to be someone's housekeeper, and no, it wasn't a clone either.

The moment your message gets sent, the replies blow up your phone almost instantaneously.

[22:28] Mimi: noona you're alive!

[22:28] Joonie: How did the date go?😊

[22:28] Jinnie: how nice of you to remember to update us PEASANTS.

[22:28] Mimi: How was Guwon?

[22:29] Tete: I KNEW WE SHOULD'VE WENT WITH YOU ANYWAYS

[22:29] You: Shockingly, he's a pretty nice guy. Not too bad on the eyes, and pretty smart. I think you'd get along well with him, joon. He's a lawyer so he covered most of the expenses today😁

[22:29] You: Overall, it was great, we're gonna go on a second one. He's pretty cool.

Instantly, messages from the members, even Jungkook’s to your surprise, flooded your screen.

[22:30] Tete: Noona you've been cursed! We need to bring you to the nearest shaman to break it!!

[22:30] Mimi: don't joke with us noona

[22:30] Mimi: I just got goosebumps!

[22:30] Joonie: Congratulations are in order then? Will we be expecting him around you soon?

[22:31] Yoongs: I need to meet him, need to know if he's good enough

[22:31] Yoongs: men are trash, I need to see him for myself before I decide

[22:32] Yoongs: and you know what they say about lawyers, they LIE. I wouldn't trust him 

[22:32] Jinnie: WE need to meet the man who managed to steal your heart! I want to talk to him😊

[22:32] Mimi: don't use that emoji again, hyung

[22:32] Hobi: SCARY JWANN😱

[22:32] Joonie: Let’s not threaten anyone please.

[22:32] Joonie: But I'm really happy for you 😁.

[22:33] Tete: Those periods really scares me hyung…

[22:33] Tete: Somehow, I don't think you mean it…

[22:33] Joonie: What makes you think that, tae?😁.

[22:33] Tete: 😰

[22:34] Ggukie: a few drinks will fix you up, noona😁

[22:34]  Mimi: you'll invite me this time right?

[22:34] You: I don't know, you already used your mischief hours this week, I doubt Sejin would be so kind next time.

[22:34] Hobi: if he does that right now during practice, I also wouldn't be so kind to him😊

[22:34] Mimi: you are scaring me hyung…

[22:34] Hobi: good😊

[22:34] Tete: Hyung, are you just gonna ignore Jungkook leaving?!?!!?

The messages continued for a good five minutes, mostly consisting of holding Jimin back from leaving practice and him sending pictures of the infamous Hoseok death glare from across the room before your doorbell chime rang, making you shoot up straight.

A beat. Then it continues in three quick successions, the knocks almost in sing-song and sounded like two hands were used to produce the tune, giving you an inkling on who might be visiting you at this late hours of night.

Padding out of your room, the front door suddenly swings open without warning and you yelp. By the doorsteps stands the intruder, a tall man in a black coat with his face hidden by a mask and a cap. Your body would've frozen a thousand times over if you didn't know this stranger who's hugging two paper bags, one overflowing with snacks and the other a breeze away from tearing apart from the weight and water drenching the material of the bag.

"Hi noona!"

After today, seeing Jungkook felt like a cure, his presence alone repelling the heaviness in your shoulders and you ushered him inside and he wandered into your home with ease, approaching the coffee table to place down the shopping bags. 

Suddenly you remembered what he had scheduled prior.

"You're putting me on Hoba’s punishment rotation, what are you doing here?" 

He giggled. “We both know he won't, hyung loves you more than me.”

He falls on your couch with the ease of someone who has visited your space numerous times throughout the years, propping up his feet on the back support and folding his arms underneath his head before staring up at you, expectantly.

"Anyways, I brought us food and drinks, don't I deserve a little praise?" 

Sometimes it's easy to forget how young Jungkook really is, forced to grow and act mature to blend in with his surroundings, you've always seen him stand with pride alongside his hyungs. Seeing him awaiting for your praise so eagerly like a pup fills your heart with awe.

"Yeah yeah, good job. Now move over, let me sit down."

You tapped his arm, motioning him to move over so you could sit next to him, something he obeyed without resistance, busying himself in removing the contents from the soiled paper bag instead.

“Couldn't you have put some effort into it? At least sound grateful.” He pouts. Placing down the cluster of beer cans, you turned to him and pinched his cheeks.

“Oh my dearest darling, thank you for saving this noona of yours. Such an amazing baby I have here.”

Despite being the one who asked for it, Jungkook only rolled his eyes with a barely held back grin as he slapped your hands away, making you laugh, and turned to the bag holding the snacks he bought. You didn't miss the redness dusting his cheeks or the cheeky grin that tugged his lips wide as he spilled the contents of the last bag onto the table.

There's a significant amount of sweets and snacks laid before you, as well as stacks of canned beers and you turned to him with furrowed brows.

"Wouldn't this ruin your diet?"

He waved you off with a huff. "I work out enough to eat all of these in one sitting."

Instantly, your mind brings you back to white walls and gray furniture, faced with manager Sejin who warned you about interfering with the idols' diet at the start of your career. If it wasn't for Bang PD waving off their concerns, saying they needed to be rewarded for their hard work anyways, you would've been long booted out of the company.

It's a matter long settled yet it remains to weigh heavily in your head.

Seeing the hesitation in your eyes, Jungkook continues.

"I can show you proof of my efforts," 

He then reached down to the fabric of his shirt tucked into his jeans and tugged it up, flashing you the tightly corded muscles in forming on his abdomen and the thin happy trail you often see when patting his sweat down during concerts and you hastily pulled it back down with a yelp, cheeks growing hot while he laughed.

As he throws his head back in his mirth, you couldn't help but notice the way adulthood has taken away the fullness of his cheeks and has sharpened his features. A far cry from the sensitive young boy who cried his eyes out every time his hyungs got hurt. 

There was no denying that Jungkook had grown without you noticing and it makes your chest swell with pride knowing he's been raised well by the others, in extension, although not so much, you as well.

"Don't worry so much about me, noona. I can handle the consequences now, you leave the reprimanding to me."

Under the warm overhead light of your living room, even with the exaggerated puff of his chest and his nose turnt up high, Jungkook's shoulder had never looked sturdier, reliable, in your eyes. You smiled, reaching to pinch both his cheeks making him grin wider than he already was.

"Look at you acting so cool, when did you grow so much?"

He rolled his eyes, pulling your hands away from his cheeks and entangling it with his. “I've always been cool, you just don't pay attention to me, noona.”

Before you could reply, he's already moved to reach for the beverages on the coffee table, popping two of them open and handing you one can, immediately you take a swig.

The beer fizzled in your tongue and left a trail of burns down your throat. The sensation is refreshing nonetheless and you place it down next to him before picking up the large bags of chips and standing up.

"I'll go put these in a bowl, go put something on the tv."

"Can I play anime?"

You waved at him dismissively, unable to find it in yourself to say no to him as you head towards your kitchen to transfer the junk into a bowl when a shrill tune from your bedroom cuts through the air, someone was calling you. You look over to Jungkook, scrolling through his phone, no doubt looking for a movie online.

"Gguk, can you pick up the call for me? My hands are busy right now."

There's a shuffle of feet behind you and in a moment, your phone quietens down. Finished with filling one bowl, you turn to find Jungkook leaving your room with a deep look and your phone in hand. His jaw set tight as he stood there with furrowed brows, eyes lit with irritation.

Looking at his reaction, you asked about your mysterious caller.

"Who was it?"

When he turned to you, the tick in his jaw dispersed. All of a sudden, he's smiling at you with mischief twinkling in his eyes, the change giving you a whiplash.

"It was the others, didn’t answer their calls cause I want you for myself tonight, noona."

(Later on, you'd find yourself staring at the many unread messages and two missed calls from Guwon, wondering in your drunken state if you've muted your phone at some point earlier.)

Hearing it from his lips now, your body locks, heart stuttering in your chest and butterflies exploding in your stomach, spreading a tingly feeling throughout your body and you laugh. 

"Where did you hear that line from, brat? You just activated my fight or flight!"

"Taehyung says that and gets thanked but when I do it, I'm punished?" He pouts, stomping as he approaches the island counters and crossing his arms on the marble surface.

It reminded you of a bunny you saw from a video on the internet, angrily thumping their feet at their owner when it was being purposely ignored.

“In his defense, he does it while he’s acting like my crazy ‘exes’ and saves me from dates.”

“That’s just favoritism! I saved you once from a date!”

You threw him a deadpan stare. "Throwing me over your shoulders and kidnapping me isn’t the same as Tae and Jimin acting crazy enough to make the other guy uncomfortable to save me.”

Hoseok had your favorite troublemakers kneeled on the floor with both their hands up and facing the wall at the time, punishing them for being an hour late to their practice. He had called you in, asking if they had been accompanying you during —they weren’t. 

Long story short, you didn't risk sharing Hoseok’s wrath with the two and took Jungkook instead, a decision you quickly regretted later on in the night when instead of approaching to act like one of your exes when you gave him a signal, he hoisted you up onto his shoulder and ran away while your date only watched in terror.

“Now that’s blatant favoritism! I didn’t kidnap you, we ran away together into the sunset! It was romantic!"

"Not for the other guy, no! He was shitting bricks when he called my mom. She got me squatting the entire afternoon when we met again."

Mentioning it alone made phantom pains throb in your knees and thighs, you shivered. If torture wasn't a socially unacceptable and punishable offense in the modern world, you were sure your mother would have stripped you down to your underwear and made you squat under the sun in front of your family house instead. 

The absolute fury she unleashed on you that day is enough proof that she would've done it with no hesitation if it was lawfully appropriate.

"That's too much for a failed date."

"No reason to dwell on it. Main point is, don't take notes from dramas anymore."

With a last roll of his eye, Jungkook then picked up the bowls and brought them to the coffee table following you who had returned to your seat ahead of him. Once the two of you are situated back on the couch, he navigates through the streaming app for an interesting title before eventually settling on the romance anime he claimed to have heard amazing reviews about.

Without hesitation, Jungkook navigates himself into a familiar between your legs and leaned back on your chest, head finding his rightful space under your chin with a precision gained from doing so for years.

It goes without saying that Bangtan is affectionate. With the pressure they had during their rise to fame, it wasn't shocking that they comfortably seeked each other's comfort and spared no skinship. As one of the only staff within constant exposure that's close to their age, you too became one of their pillars of serenity. 

It was the reason you had crushes on everyone at least twice during your time as their make-up artist, not that any of the boys knew nor does it matter.

Stability and work takes precedence over something as shaky as love.

There's only so much comfort another man can offer, your mother says from years before.

Jungkook more than anyone else in the group. 

As a boy who sacrificed his childhood and time with his parents to pursue his dream, you felt more inclined to watch over him than the others who were adults by the time you joined. You were there for his first heartbreak, his first drink, his high school graduation; the point is, you were there and you held him every time he struggled with problems—mostly girl problems—he's too shy to seek his hyungs for.

But now with his growth spurt, cuddling up to you like he used to when he was younger with his gangly legs awkwardly hanging from the couch, carelessly leaning his head in between the mounds of your breast while his large hand mindlessly drew circles on your knee, you found yourself wondering about the appropriateness of it all.

A man and a woman alone in a room at night in close proximity, body leaning against each other. Society would argue they wouldn’t end the night as friends anymore after the encounter.

You paused mid-drink and grimaced.

It must be the beer talking.

"Noona."

"Yeah?"

"Wrap your arms around me, it's cold."

You raised an eyebrow at him. "It's not though? I always keep my house warm." 

He let out an exasperated groan before reaching behind to grab your arm and roughly slinging it on his shoulders.

As time continued its cycle and episodes started to fly across the screen, the pile of opened beer cans on the table expanded. You really tried to focus on the movie but the feeling of his fingers tracing stars on your bare thigh left you oddly bothered. Jungkook has shifted his position higher at some point during the movie, his body now turned sideways, successfully squeezing himself into the small space between you and the back of the couch, legs entangling itself with yours while an arm is thrown across your body.

This position puts his nose closer to your ears and it makes you shiver. The feel of his hot breath fanning across your skin has given you more goosebumps in under an hour more than you've had throughout your life.

Even drunk, you could feel the building tension thickening around you and the will to tell him to off ebbs away with every caress of his fingers.

Gone were the innocent traces of stars and hearts on your thigh, his hand now grabbed onto your waist almost possessively, thumb rolling slow circles on your bare stomach; the motion conjuring the most unholiest of thoughts known to mankind.

When the credits started rolling, you knew you had to draw the line before you lost yourself to intoxicated thoughts and end the night with regrets.

"Time for you to go home now, your hyungs must be looking for you."

You tried prying his hand from your waist so you could reach for your phone on the table only for him to tighten around you, stopping you from moving away. He groaned, head nuzzling closer into your neck and his lips grazed your skin. 

Instantly, electric jolts shoot through your body.

"Jungkook, I need to get my phone and tell someone to fetch you from here."

"Can't I just stay the night? I'm too comfortable right now…"

The gruff in his voice and the sensation of his lips moving on your skin has your stomach fluttering and you're too drunk to address the growing heat in your abdomen but thanked the sense of professionalism seeping through the fogs of your intoxicated mind.

Managing to pry him off, you reached for your phone and opened up SMS to tell Jin to pick their youngest up.

           [01:21] You: Jwannn

           [01:21] You: can you pick up your kid from my house? He's drunk and stinkyyy

           [01:23] Jinnie: your knight in shining armor is on the way!

“Just let me stay the nighttt,” he whined into your skin.

"I don't have any more spare beds other than this couch for you to sleep in, Gguk. I turned the other room into a closet, remember?"

"I can just sleep with you on the bed, we used to do that, didn't we?"

He attempted to reach around you again but you pushed his limbs away once more before slapping his arm.

You tried not noticing how thicker and harder the muscles felt, you really did. 

"But it's different now, Gguk. Come on, go wash up and drink water, I've already told someo—"

The moment you rose to stand, his arms shot around your waist in record speed and pulled you flush to his front, nuzzling his nose on the back of your neck before he sighed. When the first hot exhale hits your skin, you flinch away but the limbs wounded tightly around your middle restrict you from moving.

You try to ignore the heat simmering under your skin but it was hard when you felt the press of his plush lips on your nape as he leans closer into your skin. 

“You always smell so nice, noona.” He whispered breathily, the sensation of his moving mouth sending shivers down your spine and you shivered.

“I-I can give you my lotion brand later, let me go so I can get it.”

“But I'm comfortable here…”

Mustering every strength left in your body, you manage to pull an arm out of the death grip he had on your body and slapped his hand. Jungkook easily ignores it.

“Come on Gguk, let me out now. This isn't appropriate.”

"How is it different now?"

The alcohol intoxicating your system loosened your grip on your inhibitions and your lips regrettably moved faster than your brain.

"You're a man now, Gguk. Honestly, we shouldn't be even doing this right now. It's inappropriate."

You try to stand once more, managing to pry him from your waist and standing up before his arms hooked around you once more and tugging you back down, this time on his lap as he burrows his head onto your back.

"Gguk?"

"Yo-you see me as a man, noona?"

As a child your mother has taught you how words could heavily influence and drastically change a situation, now as an adult, you've mastered the art of speech. But as you sit still on his thighs, body warm and inhibitions blurred by the alcohol, your loose lips have led you back to the very thing you try to avoid.

"It's hard not to think so when you've grown up this much."

In a flash, Jungkook is now hovering over your face as he places you back down on the couch, his nose a hair's width from touching yours and his hands planted on each side of your head. 

There's a feral hunger swimming in his eyes as it stared into yours, desperate and intense before it fell to the plush of your parted lips and his gaze darkens. All of a sudden, you're a prey pinned down by an apex predator who's ready to devour you at any given moment.

Fire alarms blared in your mind and you regained control over your senses.

“Jungkook.”

"Noona."

You tried wriggling out of his grasp but it was no use, he's stronger. "Get off of me, kid."

“How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not a kid anymore?”

“I'm not hearing anything out when you're acting like this, Gguk.”

He scoffed. “I just want to sleep here, in the same bed, nothing else is gonna happen. Why is it such a bad thing?”

“It's different now, Gguk. Come on, let me go.”

“How is it so different? You and Jimin hyung cuddle sometimes, I've seen you fall asleep next to Hobi hyung once, why is it different with me?”

“It's different because we're both drunk and things could happen.”

“I wouldn't mind it.” Jungkook responds with a cheeky smile. His grip on one of your wrist loosened enough that you were able to hit his arm and he giggled in response.

“But I do. It wouldn't be fair.”

Even something as small as letting one member stay at your home without the others can be the loudest announcement for the rest of the group. All those times you've rejected your friends, with reasons like ‘I don’t want to risk everything’, and ‘I don't want to hurt the others’, to turn back around to accept their youngest would be hypocritical of you.

He scoffs. "You tell us about all your stupid dates, don't you think it's more unfair for us?”

A familiar weight grows in your chest. Guilt tasted like rust on your tongue and dug into your heart with a ribbed knife. Your own late night thoughts manifesting before you and you pushed him away.

After everything, you were all friends, you trusted them more than you do with your other circle. There's not a secret left undiscussed between the eight of you so it was no surprise that you had indulged them with the details of your quest for a husband. Nobody ever raised any complaints with you sharing your days so you never thought twice about it.

It's been five years since Jin had confessed, three for Taehyung. Their eldest had confessed for the sake of him finally being able to move on after your rejection and with how he acted after, you had believed him. It was different for Taehyung who had continued to act like normal after his confession, neither dejected nor did he show signs of letting go but he did introduce a date to your group once, a year later, so you had assumed the same.

Were you wrong after all?

“Jungkook, we're drunk. Let’s talk about this tom—”

“I've never been more sober in my life than I am right now, noona.”

You didn't respond, couldn't reply.

What were you supposed to even say?

Jungkook usually obeyed you and his hyungs without hesitation, happily offering his aid whenever he could. He's the type of friend who's run himself dry just to fetch you a cup of water from the other side of the world but now as he hovers over you, he became a whole new person.

Greed has always been an irritating parasite that eats away at a person's morals but somehow in your drunken mind, you thought it looked so good on him. It fits him and his generous character the way one light clothing molds well with the dark fabrics. His familiar scent of vanilla and coconut clouded your senses, calming your panicking mind into a hush, leaving nothing but the thoughts of how his lips tasted and wondering if he’s as sweet as he smelled.

He let out a shaky exhale from through his mouth as he watched your parted lips with a rapt attention as if hypnotized by the way they subtly trembled with every breath that passed through.

In the pregnant silence of your room, his voice cuts through like a knife.

“Can I kiss you?”

He whispers against your lips, voice breaking in the middle from the weight of his request, honeyed and pleading, as if your kiss holds the answer to the problems of the world and holds the power to break him.

His hand travels up to cup your cheek oh so carefully like you're fragile china yet you feel yourself shatter under his touch.

You are losing grasp on your sober thoughts as lust starts to cloud your already compromised judgment, his request far too tempting to ignore.

Maybe a kiss wouldn’t hurt. 

But wouldn’t it be unfair for the others who have expressed their romantic intentions to you since years ago? 

It was a last ditch effort to reason with your mind and your body froze from the cold wave of realization. In the short time after his question, you recall the confessions you turned down to not ruin the relationship Bangtan has established for themselves and the bitter taste it left on your tongue.

“Jungkook… we can’t.”

Watching his expression contort into confused hurt almost made you want to take your words back, but your mind takes you to memories of apologetic and understanding smiles you’ve received throughout the years and the aches from those moments resurfaces, squeezing your heart in a tight grip.

“I-I’m sorry I can’t control my feelings, I just wanted to tell you about it… Thought that maybe after this, I could move on.” An apologetic voice whispers, the memory of premature confessions in the middle of a cleanup resurfacing.

“I can’t—I can’t do it to them, it’d be unfair.”

You pushed him back and he relented, letting himself be sat back onto the other side of the couch defeatedly. Despite it, his tight grip on your waist remained, pulling you flush to him and burying his face in your chest as if trying to hear the lie in your words through the beatings of your heart.

“I’m also seeing Guwon now.”

“Then don’t let me meet him. I-I don’t know if I can take it.”

It was heart wrenching and at the same time, left an uncomfortable twist in your stomach. Jungkook never had to beg since you first met him, everything he could ever want was given to him by you and his hyungs without hesitation. Hearing him plead for you to never bring Guwon around if fate had actually paired you both, it was a different kind of pain.

It felt like thorns growing and rooting its stems of pointy ends into the deepest parts of your heart. You hated this, but you don’t want to hurt any of your boys by accepting one.

Relief comes in the form of Taehyung when he busted into your apartment while Jungkook has excused himself to your bathroom to sober up just a moment before. Seokjin trails behind him, calmer than the younger man who declared his arrival with a deep voice and a loud bang of the door. You immediately thought of the elderly couple and the new family of three living next to you and internally facepalmed.

“Noona! We’ve come to take Jungkook away!”

Kim Seokjin’s face has never been more handsome when he closed the door behind him, and you verbalized your thought, leading his ears to glow red in embarrassment.

“Am I only handsome to you when I’m closing the doors?! This face that people fawn over all over the world?!”

“It’s your true calling, door guy.”

“Oh shut it hyung, you’re making my head hurt.” Jungkook mutters as he reentered the living room, looking far better than when he left.

The tension was palpable, the effect of a rejected profession still raw and thick in the small joined space of the living room and kitchen and you caught Jin's eyes as the two youngest bickered, there’s a knowing look passed between you, an unsaid ‘let’s talk later’ hanging in the air.

“Hey, just because you got to escape Hoba’s practice without scratch doesn't mean you're hot shit, show me some respect!”

Seokjin scolds, accompanied by a playful kick to their youngest’s butt. Immediately the stuffy air dissipates and Jungkook responds in kind; by kicking him in the shin, hard enough to launch Seokjin into another lengthy nag.

It was a quick retrieval after his rant. Jungkook lets himself be towed out of your apartment by an oddly enthusiastic Taehyung who's going on about a new game trailer he saw online while Jin has offered to be left behind to clean up the mess. It was no doubt obvious, the familiar awkwardness and tenseness brought by a rejected confession lingered in the air when they arrived, it only took him one look at you and he already knew. 

The moment the door slams shut behind the boys, he immediately began:

“Did he admit it?”

His voice was soft yet it rang loudly in the pindrop silence of your living room. The sigh he let out echoed more when you nodded.

“I told him to not do it, you know? But you know how stubborn he gets.”

You didn’t reply. You simply move, walking to the trash bin to put the empty beer cans in and Jin follows close with the bowls stacked on top of each other to place in the sink. It was a brief moment of reprieve. He let the moment from earlier simmer in your stomach, let the smoke from it fill your lungs and weigh your heart till you burst.

Out of the seven boys, you've always turned to either him or Yoongi as they're older than you, so it came to nobody's shock when you break and told him.

“It just never gets better, I always feel guilty even if I didn’t choose. I’m just lucky I didn’t have to suffer through seven of these, I don’t think I could take it and just quit.”

It was a thought you’ve entertained when Taehyung came to you with his heart in his hand, giving it to you carelessly despite knowing how you’ve handled the other confessions. He was all dopey smiles and flushed cheeks, it continued even when you’ve pushed his heart back to him with an apologetic look.

Seeing the happy creases in his eyes iron out despite the huge boxy smile continuing to play on his lips, the existing pressuring guilt reawakened. Taehyung’s heart that gleamed and glowed gold, vulnerable for you to take and use from where it settled in the middle of his offering palms. You could’ve taken advantage of it all as they were rising in fame, when they were facing discrimination from the other companies and had found comfort in you but you didn’t.

Even with the attraction you've felt for them, you were nothing but a makeup artist to the company. Another asset to deploy and replace if it got annoying to handle. You couldn't risk your career on uncertainties, this is your dream job.

You loved them all equally and held them in the same regards as the others, they’re your best friends, chosen soul companions even without the marks to solidify it. 

They loved you and you loved them all but you wouldn't bet your life on an uncertain future.

“You should give us more credit, you know?” 

He says from the kitchen sink, the sound of water slowing into a halt. Seokjin didn’t move for a while. When he did, it was to place down the plates, washing his hands before turning around to face you.

“We’re grown adults now, we can handle rejection so don’t feel too bad about it. You can choose and we’d even help you keep it a secret from everyone besides us eight.”

It was genuine. Even in the haze of your intoxication, those words felt like a cool balm for your aching heart. While Namjoon’s words were cited research, formal and factual and Yoongi’s were calming droughts to ease the discomfort of sadness brought by gloomy thoughts, Seokjin speaks from the heart, true and unbiased but says it with a gentleness and care. 

Guilt sets like a boulder on your heart. Being able to feel, to experience such a privilege when all you've done is break his heart since your hunt for a husband, the weight in your chest multiplied and tears sprung from your eyes.

You wanted them but you couldn't risk your dream job, couldn't risk a friendship as precious as theirs for kisses and hugs that eventually has its ends.

You didn’t even notice it when he crossed the distance between you both and pulled you plush to his chest but you recognized the familiar sensation of plush lips pressing against your forehead.

If it lingered a few seconds past what's platonically allowed, you didn’t mention it.

Seokjin’s muted scent of freshly baked cakes brought silence to the rampaging waves of thoughts in your mind and if you pressed your nose flush to his chest to bury yourself in his fragrance, he didn’t say anything, bringing one hand behind your head protectively.

“I'm sorry to put you through this pain, Jinnie. I-I didn’t know.”

“I knew you didn’t know but I'll be fine... eventually.” He breathes out before leaning down to bury himself into the nest of your hair. "As long as you're happy, then I am too."

It was heavy, being loved and held so preciously even after you’ve turned him down, it felt cruel, sadistic even. But like the selfish woman you are, you accepted it. Soaked in his affections greedily.

“You know, he asked me to never show Guwon around you guys.”

He sighed. “I knew he would.”

“Do you want that as well?

Silence followed but you heard his answer loud and clear.

The second date happened after the first leg of the tour in Seoul.

Although planned suddenly, you appreciated the downtime after being lost in the haze of rushed outfit changes, reapplying makeup, and patting sweat from foreheads. If anything, you were thankful you could loosen up after earlier. The awkward tension didn’t go amiss, it only took Namjoon and Yoongi one look between you and Jungkook before taking charge on how the night progresses.

Yoongi didn't waste any time waving you over to ask for help for his makeup, even when he was already being prepped by one of your older colleagues, Ji hae. Thankfully, the woman lets you take over, saying she wanted a snack anyways.

The man didn't bother asking you what happened and settled comfortably in his chair but not before offering you the snack he bought earlier and was laying neglected on his lap. Yoongi asked about Guwon in a hushed voice, because while you were living in a reverse harem with most of his brothers, he was genuinely curious about your boyfriend-to-be.

Maybe it was the fact he has never admitted his affections for you that made it comfortable to discuss topics you could never talk about with the others with him, but you let your tongue a little loose.

And he listened.

Yoongi has always been a man of action not words, his love language has always been opening water bottles, blankets appearing from nowhere when you're passed out on their couch, and listening attentively. Despite what the world says about his nonchalance and silence, in your eyes, he's the sweetest guy on the roster—not that you'd tell Jimin that of course, he'd riot if he were to find out.

By the end of the concert, Guwon asks you on an impromptu date. A simple late night walk on a market nearby because there's apparently a food fair, and as usual, the expenses are on him. Hungry with a principle of never turning down free food, of course you accepted. 

Though you had a long time deciding whether to go or not with Jungkook’s confession still fresh.

Minutes later, he's waiting for you by the exit. The scene of him leaning on his Mercedes, waiting for you to reach him at the bottom of the stairs looks like it was pulled out of a kdrama.

Oddly enough, they didn’t question your lack of updates in the group chat but Jimin reached out later on and you suspect he told everyone your whereabouts instead, hopefully minus the date part to spare the others (read: Jungkook) from heartbreak.

The fair looked like a mirage of a paradise in the night hidden away in a small gently-lit up alley. The path was lightened up with gentle lanterns hung above you, the warm colors setting a more intimate scene. It wasn’t as luxurious as dinner from yesterday or as calming as the bike ride around the Han river but you appreciated it nonetheless.

You’re ready to drop dead but you pushed through, you wanted this relationship to work. Because then, maybe the monsters—your mother and her wide selection of personalities as well as aunties, her friends, trying to refer you to their horrible sons—haunting you from under your bed will finally leave you alone.

It was cruel that you’re using someone else to erase the memory of being professed to by one of your best friends.

Guwon was happy enough to take charge the whole date, leading you from food stall after food stall, ordering whatever your eyes lingered at which is half of what the fair offers. He understands your lack of responses as it is, tired from work, and talked enough for the both of you. Which you are grateful for.

He talked about his job and what happened that day, willingly telling you about the story of how he and his co-workers clicked back in College, never to part till now in the field they wanted. He spoke of his dreams, how he envisioned his dream home by the province surrounded by nature and the cat named Nabi waiting for him at home.

There's nothing more blatant of a signal than the last part, whether you accept it or not depends on you.

Normally, you would've frowned at the thought, immediately thinking of running away but as the night deepens and stalls start to close, the idea grows more and more tempting despite the logical voice in your head disagreeing. Seeking a distraction and possibly leading on a kind man is cruel, both to him and you.

But at the end of the day, it’s just an escape from the reality you're stuck in, a temporary answer to a long time problem. 

How harmful can it be? 

People had hookups before, you’ve had hookups before your mother has started a hunt for your husband this year so what are you so reluctant for? 

If this man is to be your husband, you should check your physical compatibility right?

You shivered. God, you sounded like one of those shitty guys you’ve dated before.

"Hey, the stalls just closed. Are you fine with me driving you back to your house?"

His voice cuts through your deep thoughts and you turn to him. Even in the dimly lit corner of the alley, Guwon looked attractive as ever with his dimpled smile and laid back attitude, his soft eyes gleaming under the lanterns, affections overflowing from his gaze and you. shuddered from its weight. 

Staring at the man, you wondered if you'd ever fall in love with him as he seemed right now.

Soon enough, you both arrive in front of your apartment building. However, not every plan goes through as you thought it'd go and you find two familiar figures rushing down to meet you. 

Taehyung didn't hesitate to run up to you with open arms and a wide smile. He didn't even care that you both almost toppled over if it wasn't for Guwon hand supporting you from the back.

"Wh-why are you two here? Shouldn't you guys be resting?"

Jimin shrugged but you caught the mischievous glint in his eyes as a small smile tugs his lips. "Hyung got so worried and wanted us to make sure you got home safely."

"Even a thumbs up would be great but you ignored every text and call! Jin hyung panicked and sent us out, if you didn't come home, he would've had a huge manhunt for you." Taehyung chimed in, pulling away but keeping his hands on your shoulders as he stared deep into your eyes, as if trying to hypnotize you into believing them.

Jimin snickered. “Yoongi hyung was an hour away from declaring you missing so the good dongsaengs we are, we decided to camp outside your apartment.”

You would've accepted his explanation, it was logically sound yet the dark glint of mischief and something else in his eyes as his gaze bounced from you to Guwon told you a different story.

They've always had to interrupt your dates when it becomes sour but this was the first time they've confronted a potential partner outside the intentions of ruining a date because you wanted it to suck.

This was them laying their claim over their own, a silent statement. A declaration you try not to think so much about, fearing you'd dig yourself deep and fall to your death.

“These must be one of your kids?” Guwon asks from behind, reminding you of his presence and you turn to him with an apologetic look.

“Yeah, Taehyung and Jimin. I practically raised them.”

Jimin scoffs and your head snapped to him, widening your eyes in warning to which he ignored. “Just because you’re a year older, doesn’t mean you could say you raised us you know?”

“See what I deal with everyday?” 

Guwon laughs lightheartedly before patting your head to get your attention. “Since your kids are here to protect you, I should get going now.”

“Drive safely.”

“See you soon?”

“Definitely.”

Then he placed a haste kiss on the edge of your lips, catching you off guard and you froze. Guwon was already in his car by the time you realized what happened and turned to chastise him. You couldn't even knock on the passenger window when the arms coiled around your shoulders tightened and tugged you close.

Letting Guwon kiss you in front of one of the men who confessed to you once was the first mistake, second was looking up at Taehyung whose hug is starting to hurt.

Gone were the usual giddiness and child-like enthusiasm that would pour from his eyes. It was replaced by a colder glare, almost blank and emotionless as it narrowed behind you and jaw locked tight. There was something primal in the way his hand behind your head was pushing you closer to him as if he was hounding over his game from another predator.

Goosebumps prickled your skin awake.

If butterflies exploded in your stomach and ignited a molten heat in your abdomen at that very moment, it's a secret you’d take to your grave.

“Tae?”

“Noona, I think we should head inside. It's getting cold.” Jimin’s sweet voice sounded forced and you resisted the urge to look at him.

While their reaction to being challenged is obvious, you couldn't, for the life of you, figure out why he should feel like that when he’s been seeing other people since his confession. From your past dates where he attended as one of your escape plans, he’s  never expressed such an intense show of displeasure so you thought his fleeting crush had passed.

Until tonight.

When Taehyung pulled away, the traces of his hostility were gone and you had to double take at how vastly different he's appearing now. He has his lower lip pushed out into a pout, eyes wide with mirth as he reaches up to cup your cheeks, his warm palms heating your cold-nipped skin.

“Aigoo, you're so cold noona. Let's go in and binge that foreign show you've been following.”

With hands now intertwined, he leads you inside the building where Jimin was already standing inside and was holding the door open for you both. You were being tugged into your own home yet you couldn’t help but feel tense as Taehyung and Jimin welcomed you back in with the same dark look you saw earlier.

[glitterypin]

tagged by bestie @snugsunresplendence (sorry to arrive so late to the party but work has been an absolute whore)

1) were you named after anyone?

I grew up knowing I was named after one of my father's aunts (whom I loved very much as a kid - she died when I was 12). A lot later I found out that my grandmother wasn't my mother's biological mother and that my mother's biological mother also shared the same name, so there was some intent there, as well.

2) when was the last time you cried?

I teared up a bit after therapy today but the last proper cry with full sobs and snot was Saturday after work byecause work lately has been an absolute WHORE.

3) do you have kids?

No and I don't want them.

4) what sports do you/have you played?

I played volleyball when I was a kid. I'm not at all sporty and I'm also super fat and out of shape that even though I wish I could run or hike, my body just can't.

5) do you use sarcasm?

Quite a lot, since I was very young. Not in a cruel way anymore, though. Like, I'll be sarcastic like "such lovely weather we're having!" when the weather is very obviously shitty.

6) what's the first thing you notice about people?

I don't even know. The look on their faces, probably.

7) what's your eye color

Dark brown.

8) scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings, I don't believe in recreational fear.

9) any talents?

I'm very smart, good with words and I have a good instinct for narrative structure. Sadly, I am wasting all of this in discussing other people's writings instead of writing my own things, because I counterbalance my talents with an unhealthy level of laziness.

10) where were you born?

A hospital in Athens, Greece.

11) what are your hobbies?

I like watching films, reading, writing (small things, nothing that requires any level of effort or commitment), baking and also doing absolutely nothing, sometimes accompanied by music.

12) do you have any pets?

No. I'd like a cat but I don't feel ready for the responsibility of taking care of a living thing, yet. I got a pot of basil a few months ago and right now it's a pot of soil with two brown sticks sticking out that I still water every few days, pretending that it's just a phase and that I haven't actually killed the very dead thing.

13) how tall are you?

166cm, I think

14) favorite subject in school?

Chemistry, probably. I'm sure it wasn't the same every year but I was a lot into chemistry for a long time, I remember as much.

15) dream job

Well, screenwriter, I guess. Except I'd also need my dream personality to go with this dream job because the way I am now I just can't.

tagging! @gothic-goon @yourfluffiestnightmare @ivankaramazov07 @santacoppelia @lavend3r-mo0n

[maochira]

Are you crying in pain, or are you crying in joy? (big brother!Shidou & younger sibling!reader)

Synopsis: Your brother has never been great at telling what you feel and never knows when it's time to comfort you. Even when you reunite with him during his break from Blue Lock, he doesn't understand the reason for your tears.

Tags: gn!younger sibling!reader, reader is highly sensitive and cries very easily, big brother!Shidou

This is part of my Shidou birthday countdown event!

"I'm home!" Your brother's voice appears out of nowhere. It's so sudden, for a moment you doubt if it's real and think you might be hallucinating. But as soon as Shidou calls out again, you snap back to reality, realizing he's really returned to home.

"Where's my favourite idiot?!" Shidou opens the door to your room without knocking first and immediately jumps on you, who's sitting on the bed, and tackles you down before he starts a tickle attack on you that immediately makes you break out in laughter.

Usually, you'd be used to that. But it's been so long since you've seen your brother, it catches you off guard for a moment. And as soon as you gather yourself, you start tickling him back, turning the situation into a little tickle fight. Shidou isn't actually that ticklish, but you know the back of his neck is his weakness.

"That sure is a way to say hello." Your brother chuckles as he gets up again and looks around your room. "Hasn't changed much. Still looks as shitty as before I left."

"You say that as if your room looks any better." You stick your tongue out to him for a moment, but you're not that much in the mood for teasing right now. Emotions about seeing your brother again are starting to build up on the inside and you already know you're about to break into tears.

Shidou quickly notices your expression softening a little and sits back down on the bed. "So, what did you do while I was gone? Got into any trouble?"

You raise an eyebrow. "Do I look like that?"

"I don't know," Shidou shrugs with a grin, "Maybe you finally turned into a rebel without me around to protect you. Or are you still a sensitive little baby?"

"H-hey!" Although you're protesting against it, Shidou's teasing makes it a bit easier to hold back your crying because it makes you laugh. "I'm not a baby!"

"Of course you are!" Shidou leans a bit towards you and pinches your cheek. "You'll always be my little baby sibling. Always." Even though he's teasing you, there's a slight tone of affection and protection in your brother's voice.

"I'm not even that much younge-"

"I don't care! You're my baby sibling!" Shidou is quick to interrupt you and reaches his other hand towards your face as well, now pinching both of your cheeks. "My little baby sibling who will always need their big brother to protect them."

As the affectionate tone grows a little more prominent, the heavy emotions in you grow at the same time and you keep getting close to just bursting out in tears.

And then, before you even notice it, you're crying. Not just a little. A lot. Tears running down your cheeks uncontrollably.

And that's when Shidou is out of words. 99% of the time he can talk like a waterfall but as soon as you start crying, it's as if his brain can't form a proper sentence anymore. And actually, he can't even properly comprehend why you are crying in the first place.

"I missed you so much..." You pull your big brother into a tight hug and start sobbing onto his shoulder. "So so much..."

"I missed you as well, but uh... why are you crying?" Shidou ruffles your hair gently before wrapping both of his arms around you. "You were laughing just a few moments ago."

"I just got very emotional again..."

While Shidou may not understand why you're crying, he's still concerned about you. He's always a bit helpless when it comes to comforting you, though.

"But like... are you crying in joy, or are you crying in pain?" His embrace tightens a bit when he notices your sobbing doesn't stop yet. It's a bit of a stupid question to ask because you're obviously not crying with a smile on your face. Shidou just doesn't know what else to say.

And also, he just needs to ask to be 100% sure.

"I think... both? Maybe...?" Your answer surprises Shidou a little, but he's glad to know you're not having a breakdown right now. "I just... I missed you so much and I hated being without you..." You continue speaking between your sobbing. "But... I'm also very happy that you're back home."

"Hm..." Shidou pulls you a little closer. "Then I'll make sure you're only crying in joy, alright? We've got two weeks to spend together now! And I'll be with you the entire time, alright?" A slight teasing tone mixes into his voice again. "But right now you can cry as much as you need... Babies cry all the time anyways."

You immediately pull away from the hug. "Hey!" A few tears are still running down your cheeks, but your brother's teasing caught you a bit off guard. "I told you I'm not a baby."

Shidou chuckles and gives your cheek another pinch. "And I told you that you'll always be my little baby sibling, idiot."

Taglist (sign-up link): @starhrtz @kaineedstherapy12 @zyuuuu @luvcalico @truegoist @vanitasbrainrot @mafuyudonutt @acacIa @futuristicxie @bluelock4life @https-archangel @ririgards @depressed-bitchy-demon

[writingjourney]

I’m in need of some advice and kind words. As a fellow writer I’m really struggling to believe people will and want to read my stuff. There’s no real engagement anymore and I’m worried that if I post my long-form fic that no one will give it a chance. It’s really bringing me down because I love it so much but it feels like no matter what I try to do my stuff just doesn’t get seen or liked? I’ve even thought about changing my entire way of how I do things since I don’t think the way I write is working for the masses. How do you keep up the motivation as a popular writer and do you have an advice?

Hello anon!! I feel like this is something many of us currently deal with. And first of all I seriously hope that you do share your story!! ♡

To be completely honest with you the lack of engagement in the fandom has for sure impacted my own motivation which is why I haven't been putting as much time into longer fics (nor the Friday Nights series or IKNBS, I do write but I refuse to force myself). I don't feel any urgency because uploading fics hasn't made me as happy as it used to. It feels like only other active writers are reading fic atm and it creates a lot of pressure on creatives to stay super active.

I'm aware that I'm insanely privileged to have the engagement that I do have, that the type of stories I want to write are also the type of stories that generally seem to appeal. However, engagement tells you NOTHING about the quality of your work, only how many people are active in a fandom or like a specific pairing/character/trope. Your own unique voice matters more than numbers.

I also notice that a lot of people who used to read my works have disappeared which I completely understand. The fixation can ebb away during times of inactivity or when a certain hype dies down. People just don't get that dopamine hit anymore and move on. It's also entirely possible they get tired of a certain style of writing and prefer other writers at times, what do I know. I definitely don't blame anyone for that. First and foremost people should read for their own enjoyment and engage with fandom in a way that makes them happy. It makes no sense to pressure people into engaging. A huge issue right now is people overthinking these things which makes support transactional instead of genuine.

I don't care much about notes but I REALLY miss the feeling of sharing a fic with people who are excited for it, that sense of an active community. BUT the activity will come back – the movie will come out, new music and videos, heck even a whole new Papa!!! That's the natural flow of things. We can't be excited and super active all the time, we need phases of calmness as well (which is an act of rebellion in the capitalist hellscape of overproduction and churned out content. I am honestly glad Ghost is taking it easy).

Now, I recommend you write your story exactly how you want to!!! do NOT change it for the sake of popularity because it will lose its very soul and you will struggle to be happy with it by the end. You know how you want to tell your story and nothing else matters. It will find its readers or you can wait and share it at a later point. I recommend that you approach other writers and readers and intensify that contact, make friends and talk to them about your stories, hype each other up, share snippets. It's even more meaningful to know people you like enjoy what you do. I am currently working on super niche fics for non-Ghost characters and I'm honestly having a great time chasing that dopamine by just writing what I'm really into and sharing it with friends. Fandom is community, fandom is fun and we can work to make it better for everyone.

A few general tips when it comes to making stories accessible: Format them to be readable (paragraphs!!), add a "read more" break, add proper content information and a nice summary to draw people in, add some visual appeal like a banners or stock image edits (like i do for IKNBS) and then tag the fics with relevant tags (and only those). Also make sure to tag the OG post, tags on reblogs do nothing for reach. Engage with the community when you feel like it and it's likely that the community will engage back. Being supportive is worth it, being kind is always worth it even if it amounts to nothing.

[hemi-demi]

Making a proper blog intro because I think I should? Idk anymore

Hi! I am a person on the internet that is way too autistic about a specific show, and now I'm making it everyone's problem.

Side blog: @fulldemi for just art posts

Links, tags, and more below cut:

What you'll see on this blog:

Right now, it's all TMA/TMAGP all the time, as this has gone beyond hyperfixation and right into special interest, and I do not want off this ride anytime soon. Most of my content will probably be JMart related, but I like talking about most of the characters in general.

I've been getting into Malevolent lately too, so it might come up. Not sure yet, time will tell.

I make art and fic. I'll post random thoughts and reblog other artists I enjoy.

I post SFW and NSFW art here, so refer to the Tags below for filters.

Eventually, you might even see animation and fan game stuff from me here. Who knows? I don't. I have no control over my life. I just go where the dopamine tells me. And right now, it's hurdling towards the wet cat acespec British man and his fog-cloaked teddy bear boyfriend, and I don't get a say in that.

Tags

My art: #hemidemi art

My NSFW art: #lewdemi

Text posts and rambles: #demirambles

Links

Pillowfort - HemiDemi

Lewd art too hot for Tumblr goes here

My AO3 - *Slaps Link* This baby can fit so much JMart fic in it! Most of my fic is 18+

If you were to check out any of my fics, it would of course be the stupid long Porn with Plot fic where Jon and Martin can share lucid dreams and get into fun little nighttime adventures together in the Highlands. It's silly, it's fluffy, but also so plot heavy and full of horror, as it should be.

Lucid - Rated E - Words: 341,700 - Chapters: 44/44

I post (spoiler-free-ish) art from this fic here often as well, so you'll be seeing it referenced a ton if you hang around.

Okay, I think that's enough now, byeee love you, mwah <3

[mirjam-writes]

20 questions for fic writers

Tagged by @suavissimapenna <3 Sorry it took so long!

How many works do you have on ao3?

7 for Sherlock and 23 Good Omens that are completely mine. 6 collaborative fics I have either partly written, or just made art for. So, 36.

What's your total ao3 word count?

380,863

What fandoms do you write for?

Good Omens! I used to write for Sherlock too, but that's now in the past.

Top five fics by kudos:

Truth Or Dare (E, 6.5K words), my first proper smut ever! Post s1 gettig together story.

Angel Of Justice (T, 9.5K), my first ever Good Omens fanfic. Post S1 from Michael POV, A/C as a background couple.

!False (It's funny because it's true) (E, 5.4k), an office romance human AU set in software company.

A Stable Relationship (E, 9.9k), horse rider AU with trans Aziraphale. Friends with benefits becoming a romantic relationship.

Girls Just Wanna Have Sun (G, 1.7k), outsider pov scene about Robin's day at the beach, where she meets two weird gentlemen who have never been to a beach before.

Do you respond to comments?

YES I DO! Slowly, possibly, but yes I do, and I read and reread them!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Uhhh... angsty ending? What is that? Technically Be Still My Soul: The Rift, but does that count if it's a middle part of a trilogy? That's definitely my angstiest fic of all time BUT I tried to write the happiest ending possible to it. But also, yeah, people died in the war (just not A or C), so maybe I'll count that story.

Edit: WAIT NO! To Love Somebody, a story from Shadwell pov about how he fell in love both Aziraphale and Crowley, and how that changed him. That's sort of angsty and the ending is bittersweet!

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmmmmmm. I have so many. I can't compare. Maybe Watching You (Watching Me), it's the porniest porn i have ever written, and it has...uh... several happy endings :D

Do you get hate on fics?

Not so far!

Do you write smut?

Yessss. I'm in my porn writer era at the moment :D

Craziest crossover:

I did some super weird anime crossovers as a teen (I hope those are long lost) but haven't dabbled on that since apart from very vague blink-and-you-miss-it references.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

One of my Sherlock fics was translated into french in 2018!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Only for one round robin event, which produced four stories! Not sure if that really counts as collaborating since we weren't allowed to talk about it when we did it, we just got the fic, read it, and added 600 words and gave it to the next one! It was super fun though.

All time favorite ship?

Aziraphale and Crowley. No competition there.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't usually start posting unless I'm 100% confident I'll finish the story, so I don't have public wips.

I had one pretty cool Sherlock post-apocalypse story idea, which I'd love to talk about if someone is interested, but writing it? Hmm probably not. But it's not really a wip, if I have only like two bullets in a doc?

What are your writing strengths?

I think I write pretty good bickerflirting and humour even in dark situations. And, uh... historical research.

What are your writing weaknesses?

LONG ASS SENTENCES. I need to cut them down. Chop chop chop. Also, I over-use commas and em-dashes.

Also, not being a native english speaker, but I think I've got a lot more fluent during the past years, so maybe that's not my biggest weakness anymore.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I have done it myself, in a situation when my pov character wasn't supposed to understand what was being discussed, but I did only a couple of lines.

My languages (apart from english) are finnish, very rough swedish, and teeny tiny bit of german, but many fics I've read that have used another language in dialogue, use French or Spanish (which are popular languages for English speakers to learn in school!), and with those I'm woefully lost!

But honestly, i don't need to understand every fic under the sun! You do you, I bet there are people who can understand whichever languages you'd like to mix in your story, and that will be amazing for them!

First fandom you wrote in?

The Book Series That Must Not Be Named. I projected so much of my teenage angst into wizard school drama.

Favorite fic you've written?

You monster! Making me choose. Uh.

Okay, fair. It's easy. Be Still My Soul, hands down. @be-still-my-soul-fanfic

No pressure tagging: @hkblack, @ambrasue, @tawnyontumblr , @ack-emma and @zehwulf and anyone else who wants to answer!

[eossa]

How I'd Make Tumblr More Profitable

Yes, this is going to be controversial, since I know nothing about the behind-the-scenes spending, economics, and all that jazz. But I've been on Tumblr for long enough to have a rough idea of the userbase wants - which is what positions Tumblr in a niche other sites don't really utilize. Most of the points I list here are about improving the experience of existing users, as keeping users might be harder for tumblr than attracting new ones.

Please note that this posts reflects my personal opinions and some stuff I've seen people complain about it. Do not attack me over anything I've written here, it's not worth my time and I will resort to blocking if I'm being bothered. Constructive criticism is fine and encouraged!

[under the cut because this got quite long] [last updated 20th July 2023]

Features to Add

Block posts. Xkit has/had this feature, it was great. Sometimes I just don't want to see a specific post, and others probably agree with that.

Send asks and replies from sideblogs. Would literally make a lot of things easier and better.

Delete individual reblog additions from a post. Sometimes, you have a post where there is one"relevant" addition, multiple "irrelevant" additions ("yes!", "[repeated phrase in bold]", "this is a must reblog"), before there is a "relevant" addition again. But right now, you can only remove all reblog additions, not just individual ones. I feel like this would be a neat feature.

Direct blocking of anon hate which also tracks the IP and blocks the associated account(s). No rights for cowards, that's all I'll say.

Features to Bring Back

Reblog chains. Prev tags are the backbone of lots of interactions on here. If I click on someone's username in a reblog chain, I want to see that post on their blog, not their blog starting from the newest post. The loss of this feature is one of the things people constantly complain about in the replies of @changes.

Several text formatting options. As a theme maker, it would be nice to have proper preformatted text again - it makes code so much more legible. Other formatting options I miss are marked/highlighted text and text lines, which are really helpful to visually break apart passages of text.

Features to Ditch

Tumblr Live. There I've said it. If I want to see stuff like that, I have TikTok, IG Reels, Pinterest Reels, and YouTube Shorts. Twitter also has something like this. It's oversaturated, and aparently there are still enough cyber security concerns that it's not even accessible outside of the US and Canada.

Ads in lightboxes. Especially on mobile, there are already more than enough ads on the feed, no need to add more nested inside other elements.

Features that Make Money

Pay for NSFW. If this site allowed full nudity etc. again but hid it behind a paywall, we'd kill two birds with one stone: The site would probably still be allowed on the App Store, and the money influx would be huge. The userbase would also increase again.

(If Tumblr Live is kept.) Pay to snooze Tumblr Live permanently. It's the most complained about thing in changes' replies, so I feel like people would pay on a subscription base just to not see TL anymore.

Pay to increase limits. 250 posts per day is the maximum that can be posted - and there are people hitting those limits. If there was an option to buy a higher limit (500p/d, 750p/d, etc.), people might generally use it. Like those add-on charges for mobile data. Same goes for posts in the queue, posts in drafts, images in a photoset and so on.

Pay to pin posts at the top of a tag or search result. Ebay Kleinanzeigen has this neat feature where you can push your small ads to the top of a search query so that more people can see it. This could be a cool feature to try, as it would work in a more content-aware way than Blaze does.

Pay to buy inactive URLs. There are some really cool usernames on here that are taken by blogs that haven't updated for 5+ years and only have one post (or none at all), and I feel like it would be neat to be able to buy one of these cool usernames attached to an empty account. To make sure that usernames attached to redirect or something else don't get bought, tumblr should send an e-mail to the username owner - if the user doesn't react to that for 3 months, the usernames changed owners. [added 13th July 2023]

Existing Features to Improve

NPF posts. I feel like a combination of legacy and NPF would be neat. Think selecting a main element like in the legacy editor (e.g. video, image, audio) and then adding a caption that can add different content types like NPF does. Or at least create a better overview over NPF variables and release the full base code with documentation to make things easier for the web designers on here. There are more issues with the NPF format but I won't list everything people dislike about it here.

Block people. The block feature should make sure that the person being blocked doesn't see any posts made by the person they were blocked by, even if those posts were reblogged by another user. Also, like IG does, there should be an option to block either just a specific blog or the IP address attached to block side-blogs and other accounts of that user.

Color palettes. The color palette options for the dashboard are generally a nice idea but I think it would be better if there was a dropdown menu to choose a palette from rather than having to click through all the different options. For example, if I want to go from Cement (light mode) to Dark mode, I have to click through 10 options until I reach Dark again. There has to be an easier way. [added 20th July 2023]

Other Improvements Needed

Nuke spam bots. Users are reporting all the spam bots, yet, it doesn't seem like they are dwindling in numbers. Also - at least this is how it's being perceived by the userbase - tumblr isn't doing enough on their end to reduce spam bots. This is definitely something that needs to be fixed.

End hateful and criminal activities. It's the year 2023, yet there are still outright N*zis, violent tr*nsphobes, literal p*dophiles, and other people committing to the daily bit of hate speech and other illegal activities (fraud too considering all those fake GoFundMe sites) on this website. I'm not saying free speech should be banned but there is a bright red line between what is free spech and what is hate speech (or should get you jailed considering fraud and p*dophilia).

A through-out, perhaps even interactive, beginner tutorial. "The site is too complicated to use for new users!" – then explain how it works in easy terms, with examples, images, and videos. Every other application or web app has walk-throughs, just do the same here.

Improved ad relevancy. The ads I see on tumblr are usually so out-of touch with the userbase, and many of them feel like the sort of stuff you see on a spam-ridden torrenting site. I feel like increasing the relevancy of ads to what the users usually blog about would cause a higher click-rate and turn-over-rate than the current ads do.

Summary

There is probably more I could add, but that's it for now. Should I make any later additions directly to this post, I will mention it to prevent misunderstandings. If you have any ideas or constructive criticism, let me hear about it in the replies or reblogs of this post.

[morganlefaye79]

Playlist meme

Thank you for the tag @pandorasaquariumm this took me some time to put together although I have a Playlist for all of my oc's. I wanted to do this differently however, because I did this already for all my oc's.

I took my personal playlist, and looked for the song that I would give them + the explanation why I give it to them.

I have a song for Kerry, when Val is on the brink of death from the Relic. I always considered him to have listen to Linkin Park as a kid/ young adult.

You don't know what you've got Oh, you don't know what you've got No you don't know what you've got Until it's gone

Kerry is in my hc so used to loosing people and things that are important to him that he sometimes doesn't even realise it anymore. Losing Johnny (I'm a Silverdyne simp) traumatised him deeply.

'Cause finding what you've got sometimes Means finding it alone And I can finally see your light when I let go

And since Val came into his life with Johnny in the backseat it was not surprising that he fell for Val. Val knew it that Johnny was more likely the reason why Kerry kept him around and only when Johnny was gone for good and Kerry had closure and a proper goodbye, he could let Johnny go. Knowing he would loose Val soon as well, but he chooses to be happy even if it is short term, than to give up on all that. Because let's be honest, he will get hurt either way.

And since we takling about pain, we can switch to Val who never wanted to be a killer but was forced into it.

He is mentally very unstable, not only from his time at Arasaka but also the whole Relic desaster. He is already on a real bad guilt trip because of the many people he assassinated. Then on top of that he gets his lovers (Vicco) best choom (Jackie) killed. He knows it was an accident but it doesn't make the situation any better. The relationship with Vicco was already on edge and now he doesn't think there's anything left to fight for. But that is just the problem with Val. He needs something however small it is to fight for to keep going…

When the demon that's inside you is ready to begin And it feels like it's a battle that you will never win When you're aching for the fire and begging for your sin When there's nothing left inside, there's still a reason to fight

We all know how Johnny is at the start so no need to say that he doesn't help at all but makes the whole situation even worse. By the time Kerry comes around, Valaire already had said his goodbyes as far as he was able to. He was sure he would either die of the Relic, being shot by someone, or do it himself if no one was kind enough to take this task away from him.

Val has always been a Kerry fan so meeting him improved his mental state a bit, but not enough to keep him safe. By that time Johnny and Val got along somehow and Johnny told Kerry about Val and his mental state. Because Kerry himself was suffering severe depressions he knew how it felt and had some long talks with Val and it worked for some time. By the time Val is convinced to die soon because of the Relic, he will have a few times that he will vanish and Kerry thinks he is gone. But Val has still reasons to fight for, so he won't give up in the end.

When there's nothing left inside, there's still a reason to fight I'll be your reason to fight Give you a reason to fight

Joris already knew for many years that he had a twin, but he was told that his family in the NUSA was horrible, so he actually never felt the need to go and see them. Until the day he could see through the scemes his uncle played:

No more games And no more lies No one to blame No alibis I am ashamed to be part of your apathy All that I couldn't see A part of this system of greed

Joris was always kind of a rebel and the only one that never judged him was his aunt, when she died he was devastated. When he found out years later that his uncle had her killed because she was a "bad influence" on him he snapped. He killed his uncle in a fit of rage.

Nothing left to say as all your will decays Nothing left to do, but put an end on you

He was sure that someone would come for him, but no one did. He started to dig deeper and found out that his uncle wasn't well accepted at Arasaka HQ in The Hague, most that had to work with him rather felt hatred and so no one was sad or upset when they heard the news.

Joris inherited everything his uncle owned, most of it was sold off as quickly as possible by Joris. He didn't need houses and Villa's around the world. He also only kept one car, his uncle's Caliburn. Which his uncle nearly to never used.

Then he went to the NUSA to find his twin brother. He actually wanted to join Arasaka in NC, but when he found out that his brother was the one that blew it up a second time, he reconsidered this idea. Slowly he found more puzzle pieces to the mystery that was their family. Which left him with even more hate towards his uncle because he was also responsible for the death of his mother, who died in a house fire. The same house fire that had nearly killed him as a toddler and which scars were still visible on his face.

Vicco was a tough one, because they can be everything and do have so many facets to them that it is very difficult to take just one song to describe them. As a joytoy that has clients in the upper class of NC they have to fake many things.

This place is a circus, you just see the surface They cover shit under the rug You can see their faking

Vicco loves to play their game and for someone that never went to school he is good enough with most topics to not make a fool out of them.

Vicco is also good at getting informations out of someone, just by asking harmless questions. Rumors and informations are worth a lot of money.

Sip the gossip, drink till you choke Sip the gossip, burn down your throat You're not iconic, you are just like them all Don't act like you don't know

Vicco knows full well who and what they are. Their behaviour on the job is completely different from their private life. Only when he marries Joris he will stop working as a joytoy. But he will stay close enough to the biz to get informations still because joytoys always get the best informations while doing their job. He will later on work as a model sometimes even with Joris together. So he will keep his fake smiles for the people of NC.

I love me some good oc lore. And so I tag:

@dreamskug @wraithsoutlaws @vox-monstera @faepunkprince @a-pirate @maimaiapologist @ghostoffuturespast @gloryride @dustymagpie @wanderingaldecaldo @jaymber @fereldanwench

As always no pressure :)

[rockinlibrarian]

WIP Game

Tagged by @littlerit to do this:

Rules: Post the names of all your works in your WIP folder. Let people send you asks based on those titles and any that especially intrigues them, and then respond to them. Lastly, tag as many people as WIPs you have.

Okay! This Scrivener binder includes a lot of FINISHED pieces as well, which I am not including, but it also contains some Notes files, which I am, just because. So this is everything in there that has not yet seen the light of Internet:

In the "Legion" subfolder:

"college story"

"Crack"

"Cary and Carrie and Kerry and Carey Go To the Fair"

"The Magic Man of Oz"

In the "Not Legion" subfolder (which itself has several subfolders):

5. "Blossom"/6. "Alexander" (two sides of the same story, Ghosts I Have Been)

7. "Child of Hypnos" (Riordanverse)

In the "Howl's Moving Castle" sub-subfolder:

8. "The reunion"

9. "Cats"

In the "A Captain With Seven Children...What's so Fearsome about that?" sub-subfolder (which became a general Umbrella Academy sub-subfolder, though there's only one non-"CaptainWith7" WIP in there at the moment):

10. "Climb Every Mountain?"

11. "So Long"

12. "Outline"

13. "Deleted Bonus Scenes"

14. "Script of Movie"

15. "the punk band one"

16. "transcripts"

In the "Tesseract" sub-subfolder (A Wrinkle In Time/MCU):

17. "New Mexico"/18. "New focus in Florida"/19. "Florida family life"/20. "Some parental conversations" (four separate docs that are all little parts of the same chapter. It's a mess which is why the fic hasn't been updated since late 2021 even though quite a lot of it is technically DRAFTED)

21. "The Whole of the Universe Stretched Between"

22. "Epilogue"

23. "Marvel Canon"

24. "Wrinkle Canon"

25. "Outline and thoughts"

26: "Bonus Scene: Mr. Jarvis babysits"

Now it doesn't SAY this is specifically for FANfic, so I guess I'll include this original bit: IN the "Ian and Billy et al" subfolder (ie more attempts to finally give Billy 'Arrison a proper story):

27. "The day Ian Schafer"

28. "'Is William here?'"

And not in a subfolder, and I'm not really sure why it's still here:

29. "overbites," ie, notes about my kids' orthodontics, because all I had was this to take notes on at the time. Don't ask me about this one. It's boring.

Yes, the definition of "In Progress" is very debatable for most of these! But ask away!

Okay, I do not even think I have 29 writer friends on here at all, let alone still actually use Tumblr, so let's tag: @steeple-sinderby , @alihahdnaid, @stephsageek , @vovat (I don't know why Tumblr won't pull you up and link to you), Rit did you already tag @assaily? I've gone and closed that post. Well @assaily only if you haven't been tagged before; @uniasus ; and that's as far down in my notifications I can go of people who (I'm pretty sure) are writers before I hit a long line of people trying to argue with me in the "Best Overplayed Songs" poll about the validity of "Here Comes the Sun" (as if anyone could argue with me about that!) so I'm not scrolling anymore, feel free to also play this game if YOU desire, too!

[lesbian-in-leather]

20 Questions for Fic Writers!

Thanks for the tag, @accidentallylita!!

How many works do you have on AO3?

Forty-two! (christ when did that happen??)

What's your total AO3 word count?

111,491

What fandoms do you write for?

Oh god okay I've published for What We Do in the Shadows, A Series of Unfortunate Events, School for Good and Evil and Harlots (but I don't think I'll write anything else for that). But I have WIPs for some others (CBS Ghosts, several for the Hunger Games, etc.) and honestly I am constantly in danger of being sucked into a new fandom to write for

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

That's Not the Point

His Good Lady Wife

What a Way to Spend the Evening

An Eternity With You

A Matched Set

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always try to! I really appreciate anyone taking the time to comment on my work, and I like to thank everyone ^.^

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh god that's not an easy question to answer. Probably either Insistent or Under The Moonlight, but honestly all of my asoue fics are entrenched in tragedy (as is most of my writing). There's also The Final Thoughts of Charlotte Wells, but I don't count that as much because the ending is explicitly canon so it feels less angsty to me

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Uhhhhhh okay well I don't have a lot of happy endings—That's Just How the Story Goes would have been my go-to if I'd kept it as the oneshot I wrote it as, but I was convinced to continue and now we're midway through a very long plot so it hasn't actually ended anymore lmao. Maybe His Good Lady Wife?

Do you get hate on fics?

Not thus far, thank god

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I haven't published any smut but... yes. Thus far I'm too scared to let anyone read it though ahaha

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Again, I haven't published any, but I do have an AU WIP where asoue characters exist in the world of the Hunger Games if I ever get around to finishing that

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I am far too much for a control freak and nowhere near enough of a planner for that to be a viable option lmao

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Oh god you want me to choose? I can't even choose my favourite ship in some fandoms and you want me to pick one overall??? Okay okay I guess I'd have to say either Eswell or Beasme but I cannot narrow it down more than that

What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Hmm... maybe the Villainous Violet AU? I've mentioned it several times on here, but I've barely written anything down and as much as I love it, I'm not very good at multichapters :(

Oh, or my WWDITS rewrite! I was really mad, but the show is sort of slowly driving me away so I'm not sure I'll write anything else for it (we'll see how mad I get when I finally have access to the new season lmao)

What are your writing strengths?

I've gotten a lot of compliments on writing in-character dialogue, and on my angst, so probably one of those? I am. Still not great at being nice to my own writing ahaha

What are your writing weaknesses?

Oh god okay well I am awful at making anything happy (I tried to write a fluff fic once and it. Did not go well), but also exposition is literally so hard??? Either I just do a massive clunky paragraph of description or I fully do NOT tell you anything about the environment I'm so sorry

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't think I'd ever do it because I cannot speak another language (and every attempt to learn thus far has failed spectacularly), and I like being able to have the proper implications and nuances when I write dialogue, which I obviously can't do if I don't know what they're saying. I think the only way I'd do it is if a character was temporarily speaking in another language for like, a specific purpose, which I don't think really counts

First fandom you wrote for?

Okay, the first fandom I published for on this account was WWDITS, but I've been writing fanfic (in my head at least) for as long as I can remember

Favorite fic you've ever written?

Oh god um... I personally really like Under the Moonlight, but I'm not sure I quite got across everything I wanted to in it. I also think A Prior Engagement and Correspondence With A Duchess are pretty good so maybe one of those? I don't know, reading back my fics always just makes me want to fix them 😭

Tagging @virginian-wolfsnake, @changelinq, @downton-not-downtown-smh, @gray-zelle and anyone else who wants to do this!

[fratboykate]

so with the strike, are you going to have time to write more... I can't think of a better word, "proper" entries to kyfbau? Like I'm rereading the wedding and I can't really cry anymore for some reason, but the idea of these two dealing with the asshole Bishop parents is just... its so good.

If we strike I won't have shit to do for however long we're out so...yeah. We should've had a strike in 2020 but these greedy fucks were SO LUCKY with the pandemic. Our contracts are negotiated every 3 years so the last time it was up was May 2020. They played victims with their "oh no the pandemic we can't do anything for you" and obviously the world was in shambles then so we gave in. The work conditions have only deteriorated since then. With inflation, TV writer pay has gone down 23% in the last five years and 17% for films. Showrunners are making less money now than lower levels were ten years ago. A LOT of the people writing your favorite shows and movies are literally on food stamps. The model is abusive and it's not sustainable. Pretty soon only the kids of celebrities and other nepo babies will be able to afford to make a career out of this. That's the last thing we want. There's this huge misconception that everyone who works in the industry is rich and a lot of shitbags on twitter are ragging on writers for wanting to strike and calling us greedy/elites/whatever. That idea is WRONG. Probably less than 1% of all actors, directors, writers get paid millions of dollars. Everyone else was supposed to be "middle class" but that has disappeared in the last decade. Ten years ago a fraction of people worked for minimums (basically the equivalent of union minimum wage) and now MOST people including showrunners work for minimums. Minimums used to be the floor of what writers got paid and studios have now turned it into the maximum regardless of experience or previous success. They've been trying to hide behind the "streaming is not profitable" to do ENDLESS shady shit that I won't go into but that you can find if you scroll through the union tag on twitter. We don't even really get residuals for streaming. If a writer writes for a streaming show, your show could be watched millions of times across the world and you quite literally get residual checks worth cents. Meanwhile people who write for broadcast or cable get a hefty check every time their episode airs. That's one of the least offensive things they've been doing for the past few years.

All of the unions have contracts up this year and it's so bad that you might just see a cascade of strikes back to back. But writers are known to not be afraid to shut shit down so, while we're never the first up to negotiate (that's typically the DGA) other unions this year delayed their negotiations to see how it would go for us so they can basically ride our coat tails and get better deals for everyone. The 2007 strike lasted 100 days and it was so devastating many writers even lost their homes because they couldn't pay their mortgages. Writers are terrified but based on everything I'm seeing, when the Strike Authorization Vote results come back on Monday it's going to probably be close to 100% yes. We're fucking fed up and we're willing to risk everything because if we don't fix this shit now, it's only going to get exponentially worse. It's going to be devastating for a lot of people who are already financially struggling but this is the best long term alternative. No way around it. Soooo if we do strike…be kind to writers. Be kind to writers in general, all the time. People online love to pretend they know how this industry goes but you have NO CLUE unless you work in it. None. If you don't like what happened on a show or you have opinions, pretend it's 2001 and keep it to yourself. We get enough shit from the business to also have to deal with pedantic idiots online.

[izanyas]

Hi Ro! I'm a "long" time reader, not really in there grand scope of things, but I've been around since March 2020 and that feels like ages in social media time. And my question actually wants to address that if that's ok? Maybe it is not a struggle for you, but how do you manage keeping your artistic vision and taking time on your art? I'm sure there are people who started reading atc and by now are not even into danmei. I myself have a "long" fic (just over 100k words) that has taken me over two years and it's only around 70% done, and it sometimes gives me grief of how many people that would've been interested about it are not even now, or dropped it, or moved on with their lives. I write for me yeah, but I haven't found my "community" that likes what I write outside of ao3's comments. So sometimes it's discouraging. Sorry for the long ask and I may not be making sense. I love atc and know that whenever the story is concluded, I'll be there for it even if I'm not into wgxn anymore ❤️

hello, thank you so much for sticking with me for so long! ❤️

i think i understand what you mean. i'm not sure i have a good answer for this unfortunately... in truth, i'm not actively into mdzs fandom anymore and haven't been for several years, but it doesn't mean i can't write for it :) just like i haven't been following bsd in years but still enjoy writing fics for it. sometimes people go back to fandoms they've left behind (like me right now shoving fma fics into my mouth for weeks now lmao) and people who love your fics will not hesitate to come back and read them again, even long after leaving the fandoms they're for.

i don't know if there's any good trick to finding a community who likes your work specifically... but making this very blog that's dedicated to my fics has been such a nice experience! people will follow you for that if you give the link at ao3 because they want more of your writing :) and they can send you messages or otherwise communicate with you in ways they can't at ao3.

i think tumblr is better than twitter or discord if you wanna make a space for your readers to follow you and interact, since it allows for anonymous messages, and a lot of people are too shy to go out and say things openly. i can't guarantee that it'll be a huge success or anything but this blog is my favorite space online. make it strictly for fanfiction business (this one is a sideblog, my main blog @tahwan is where i do regular blogging) so you don't overwhelm your followers' dashboards with posts that aren't what they follow you for. allow anon asks. don't hesitate to post links to all your fics with proper tags and everything so more people on here can see them. or straight up post them on tumblr as well! there's no rule saying you can't post the same fic in 5 different places if you want to.

i hope this helps... i know it's very difficult to find a real regular readership for your work with fanfiction. i'm extremely grateful for all my followers here and how lovely you all are. but with time i'm certain that you'll find fans of your stories who want to read everything you write, even for fandoms they're not a part of haha, and who'll want to build a community with you.

[champagnepodiums]

1d fan here 🙋

I gotta say, that though I've watched f1 for a while, I joined the online fandom around the time dts first aired and watching it evolve over the past few years is really something. (particularly here on tumblr) i feel like in 2018 or so, the fandom was so small so you sort of knew what was happening with every driver, I don't think that's the case anymore because now I only follow other fans of drivers that I support. Also, in the early days the fandom "rules" were to be nice to all drivers, kind of like the 1d days were you had to support all the boys even if you had a fav else you'd be branded a fake 1d fan 🤣 so was interesting to watch as 2019 progressed how more and more people on here started to openly talk about which drivers they disliked etc because it was like it happened overnight (and just like in 1d fandom (and I guess every other big fandom) it started with those "problematic lists" listing all the reasons this driver is problematic and needs to canceled - I'm so glad we don't do that anymore)

Anyway, my one gripe about f1blr, and I think we've discussed it on your blog before, is the misuse of the tagging system. The crosstagging of drivers and the tagging of long fics/imagines without a read-more has made the use of tags impossible. I do wonder if it's because this is a lot of people's first proper fandom experience and they don't know the etiquette.

I'm jealous that you witnessed the evolution of the F1 fandom, I won't lie. I've gotten to see a bit of the IndyCar fandom sort of organize which has been pretty cool.

PROBLEMATIC LISTS phew I'm glad I missed those.

But yeah, I'll admit that I've had to learn how to tag because F1blr is the first time I've actually spent extended amounts of time in a Tumblr fandom and done more than just lurking so it's been a bit of a learning curve.

Has anyone done a F1blr demographics survey recently? (I know I asked about origin fandom earlier) I'd be so interested to know the age breakdown and to know if this is their first fandom experience or not.

(This post is in response to this prompt)

[euphoric-melancholyy]

On Sleepless Roads (1/3)

This fic is a love letter to the characters of Emma Swan and Killian Jones. It is a fic that has been in the works for over nine months and I am so excited to share it with everyone. It started with filming spoilers of our favorite female protagonist being stabbed on a dark, foggy night in Storybrooke and it grew from there. Season 6 Canon divergence. 

(Tagging @acrobat-elle and @lovebecomeshim upon request.) 

Ao3    FF   Part 2  Part 3

One night of peace is all they were granted before the next crisis began. One night to recover from the aftermath of darkness and secrets, hell and death, before Mr. Hyde made his presence in town known. But with Killian by her side, it didn’t seem to matter in the long run. The moment she saw him above the place his body had been laid to rest, a question in the call of her name, she decided to fight for her own happiness. Maybe the savior could have a happy ending as well. Maybe this was it.

That was what she had believed before she found herself here.

“Ah, the infamous Savior. Do you really think yourself a match for me?” She can’t see his face, the cloaked figure that’s far too reminiscent of past Dark Ones. With the edge of his blade threatening Henry’s throat, she draws her sword, sighing in relief when the action grants her son’s release. Killian grabs Henry the moment he’s near.  

Cold air bites at her skin, slips into the gap between her sweater and back, leaving a trail of goosebumps. She tightens her grip on her father's sword. “I think you’ll find yourself surprised.”

“Perhaps. But you can’t fight wounded.” She feels the ground give beneath her first - knees stinging with a thud as they hit concrete. There’s a thick sticky crimson covering her hands where she’s holding them at her side and oh god -

The dagger poking out of torn flesh burns - a hot searing pain that stifles her breathing. It hurts. It aches, throbbing with a sharp pain paralleled by nothing she has felt before. Her cry is a high pitched wince as her body curves into itself and dammit it hurts. She tries to focus on the roughness of the unpaved road at her knees, but she can feel the sensation fading, can feel herself fading with it. The moment she moves, a small shift as her legs give out, it comes back with a fury.

Muffled words grow louder as the world around her comes back into focus, Killian’s panicked voice the only thing she can hear.

“What’s wrong? Emma, Emma, love talk to me!”

Her eyes burn too, and she tries to blink against the dust clouding them, moaning in pain at the knife lodged into her side. “Killian,” she breathes, leaning into his chest as his arms wrap around her. Magic pulsates beneath her palms but does nothing to heal the wound or stop the bleeding. “Son of a bitch.” It's gritted between closed teeth, and she tries again to no avail.

Killian’s hand is cold as it roams across her shoulders and down to her back, frantically searching for something he can’t seem to find. He repeats her name, a panicked fear she can feel rise in his chest with every inhale.

“I’m-” His hand finds hers with calloused fingers pressing further into the wound - adding kerosene to what might have been a dulling spark. She reels forward as the lights flicker on, an anguished cry at the contact. It seems to summon Henry, the absolute last person she wants to see her in this state. But before she can tell him to leave, he's scavenging for keys as Killian lifts her into his arms. Her request would have fallen on deaf ears anyway.

“Come on, Swan. I’m getting you to a hospital.”

-/-/-

She wakes to white, blinking in finally clear vision. The persistent beeping from machines and wires twisted around her arm only add to her disorient and she hears more than feels the familiar crinkle of leather shifting next to her. Curved, cool metal rests atop her hand that she now registers as being interlocked with Killian’s. It’s a second of blissful peace - another stolen quiet moment that only a couple nights ago, she thought they’d never have again. She turns her head to his, thumb reaching up to smooth the worry lines etched into his forehead. Reality, however, is setting back in, and with it is a rising panic. “What happened?”

“Your faithful pirate and son brought you in a few hours ago,” Dr. Whale begins. She wants to laugh, or cry, at the fact that he seems to be Storybrooke’s only doctor. In the end she settles for avoiding eye contact. “You were pretty out of it, something about being stabbed. But whatever it was, you were in a lot of pain. So, I sedated you and ran some tests.”

“What are you talking about? I was stabbed.” She looks to Killian, the confusion furrowing his brows creating a deep anxiety in her chest.

“Hook, would you like to tell her what you told me?” Whale asks.

Killian nods, squeezing her hand just a little tighter. “Love, what do you remember?”

“We were in front of Gold’s shop and Hyde had one of his minions there, a guy in a black cloak, so I couldn’t see his face. He threatened to hurt Henry, so I pulled my sword and the next thing I know, he stabs me. Then you brought me here.”

“Emma,” It’s barely a whisper, his face breaking. There’s an unease that settles in the silence that follows. It’s the first chance she gets to really look at him. His leather jacket is hanging on the arm of his chair, and instead he’s donning a pair navy pajama pants she bought him with a plain white tee. His hair is a complete mess and she itches to run her fingers through it, tame what sleep and worry has done. He gives her a soft smile, saddened blue eyes staring into emerald, and she bites her bottom lip. “We were sleeping- you woke up screaming. . .You weren’t stabbed.”

“Oh.” It’s all she can muster. When Henry first came to her door, telling a tale of a cursed town and parents that loved her and sent her through a magical wardrobe to protect her from the doom they were to face from the Evil Queen, it was the first of many times where Emma Swan had difficulty in discerning reality from fantasy. Everything she knew was flipped on it’s axis, and yet her gut told her it was right. But this. . .

She would have put everything she had on it being real. How could something so vividly painful not be? It’s not as if Emma is unfamiliar with nightmares-- she spent the majority of her life learning to differentiate between the shadows in her dreams and the ones in her waking hours.

Maybe her sanity was left in the Underworld.

“You’ve been through a lot lately, between all that drama with your parents and then becoming The Dark One. Not to mention losing our boy here-”

“What exactly are you getting to, Whale?” She interrupts, the fear and anxiety shifting into anger.

“Maybe I’m not the doctor you should be seeing. Maybe, and I’m not a psychologist, but maybe your subconscious was channeling what happened with Hook, how he died, into your dream. You’ve been under almost constant stress. Saviors aren’t exempt from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

“Yeah and doctor’s aren’t exempt from bad dye jobs.”

“Emma! You're awake!” Snow exclaims as she walks into the room with David. Dr. Whale takes their entrance as a chance to exit and Emma sighs. As welcome as her parents interruption is, there are still questions about what the tests read that she would like answered. But mostly she dreads telling them it might have all been in her head.

“Is Henry okay?”

“He’s fine.” David replies, sending a small smile in Emma’s direction.  “A little freaked out and worried, but we all are. How are you feeling?”

“Better...Can we go home now?”

Her eyes find Killian’s at the end of the question, her heartbeat evening out at the understanding reflected back. It’s their own secret language, reading beneath the surface of what words are not spoken. The words that are laced with worry and anxiety, that say I’m scared and tired. She wonders if he feels it too.

“Aye, love. But first,” he unhooks her from the machines that keep her bound in the small, fluorescent lit room. “We wouldn’t want to take this bloody, beeping contraption with us.”

“Are you sure?” Emma can see the hesitance written on her mother’s face before she speaks. It's obvious by the bags under her eyes that Emma isn't the only one who’s had difficulty sleeping lately. “I mean, what did the doctor say?”  

“It’s nothing.”  Emma knows they’re worried for her; even with it being nearly quarter to five in the morning, she doesn’t miss the pinched expression flash across her mother’s face. But her head is swimming and her stomach churns with what she’s afraid to admit and all she wants is Killian’s lips pressed to the base of her throat, his arms tightly wrapped around her middle, holding her together from a wound she didn’t receive. “Can we just talk about it in the morning? I’m really tired and I want to get out of here.”

“Uh,” Snow nods, glancing over at David before continuing.  “Sure. Why don’t you two come stay with us tonight? I’ll make breakfast in the morning.”

“Rain check? I kinda just want to go home. But I’ll see you all later, if that’s okay.”

“Of course. You’ve had a long night.”

She hugs her parents before departing with her arm snaked around Killian’s waist and her head resting against his shoulder.

They move slowly through the streets, Emma leaning her full weight against her pirate. He keeps his arm tight around her, though her grip is tighter, humming softly to her as the birds wake and harmonize. It’s not until he’s helped her up the stairs, his kisses soft against her hairline and his fingers moving deftly to disrobe her jacket and clothes, that she realizes it’s a lullaby. She wants to ask him where he heard it, if his own mother sang it to him, if there are lyrics, but he lifts her into bed and lies down next to her. She forgets her questions and shuffles until her ear is pressed against the hollow of his throat, his pulse replacing his tune as her own heart starts to beat in time. It’s enough.

-/-/-

He finds her in the kitchen, fingers tapping against her coffee mug - the one with an anchor and “a pirates life for me” embroidered in black. She had bought it during their six weeks of peace, offering it to him with a bright grin and a terrible impersonation of his accent as she asked him “What do you think of this one, love?”. He wishes she still wore that infectious smile now and not the worry and exhaustion lacing her brows. He had fallen asleep once they returned home, but she had not succumbed, choosing instead to curl up in his arms long after the first sign of light shone through the window.

“You made breakfast?”

“Yeah, it’s still warm,” she sets the mug down to place the plates she had prepared on the table. He’s by her side before she reaches her destination, hand clasping around her wrist, thumb gently circling around the ink of her tattoo.

“Swan, talk to me. Trust me, drowning yourself in your thoughts never ends well.”

“What if Dr. Whale was right? What if I'm just slowly going insane and that's my fate as the Savior?”

He frowns at this, fury mixing with a sharp ache. Confessions made in the dead of night and mused with tales of her past create a chasm of self doubts as deep as his own. Still, it takes him aback to see how easily she discharges her own credibility. It was real. The pain she was in as real as the house they now stood in.  And he tells her as much. “I was right there with you, remember? That pain was real. I’ve seen magic do terrible things. We might not have been able to see it, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t feel it.”

“You think this was some sort of dark magic?”

“Aye.” He smiles at her, trying to convey his belief in her, but she sits a bit warily and he thinks he might’ve missed the mark. He drops to the table and swirls the fork in his hand. “Perhaps we could take a trip to Regina’s after your parents.”

Emma’s shoulders drop and she nods. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

-/-/-

Regina's house is surprisingly clean, considering. In the small amount of time between leaving the Underworld and Zeus reviving Killian, Emma had managed to tear her own house apart. (She had been able to keep herself together during the day as she searched, but nightfall crept in, with every inch of pain singing of a lost future, a lost true love, and grief consumed her. With the evil half of Regina gone, she can only imagine how she’s coping.)  

Henry nearly knocks Emma over with the force of his hug (When had he gotten so big?) and she laughs, ruffling his hair. “Hey, kid. Is Regina around?”  

“Yeah, she’s in the kitchen. Are you feeling better?”

“That’s actually what I am here to talk about. Can you hang with Killian for a bit?”

Henry nods before leading Killian upstairs, likely for another pop culture lesson. She can’t help the smile that brightens her face whenever her true loves are together. It’s small miracle, she thinks, that two of the most important men in her life have formed such a strong bond. They seemed to have developed their own language, with jokes she doesn’t quite get and secrets shared while drifting away at sea. Killian has become such an integral part of Henry’s growth into a young man and it warms her burdened heart to know that no matter what Henry has Killian to lean on.

Emma grants herself one last look up the grand staircase before trekking through the house in search of Regina. She finds her elbows deep in a sink brimming with suds and dirty dishes. “I thought you’d be too refined for dishes.” Emma remarks, offering a small smile.

“Yeah, well I’m a mother too. And mother’s don’t get the privilege of skipping these tasks.” She fidgets with the faucet until the water comes to a stop, drying her hands on a towel next to her. “So,” Regina pauses, noticing the downcast expression on her face. “Wait, what’s wrong?”

“It’s. . .Do you know anything about a dark magic making a dream feel real?”

“Like a sleeping curse?”

“Not exactly. More like, if you’re injured in a dream, once you wake up, you can still see and feel the effects of that injury. . .”

“Did you go to the hospital last night over a nightmare?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know what it was. I thought I was stabbed until Killian told me I wasn’t. Whale wrote it off as PTSD and stress, but I’m not crazy. I know what I felt, what I saw.”

“Start from the beginning.”

And she does. She tells her of standing in the street with the black cloaked man, her family behind her and the knife to Henry’s throat. She describes the best she can the unbearable pain that took over when that same knife pierced her side, the blood pooling at her hands even as Killian had lifted her into his arms, the blade still lodged into her flesh. She recalls how she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see through dust that blocked her vision and burned in her eyes and -

“That doesn’t fit. You wouldn’t feel dust burning in your eyes from a stab wound.” Regina interrupts, her eyes widening as she pieces together a possible diagnosis.  “In the storybook Henry took from the library, there was this one story that I could have sworn was merely legend. What do you know of the sandman?”

���Oh Mr. Sandman bring me a dream, make him the cutest I’ve ever seen?” Emma singsongs.

“In the book, the Sandman is a generational curse. I bet you those dreams don’t have to be happy.”

“Wait, so you think that the Sandman is haunting me?”

“There are so many new residents in town, Hyde and his untold stories...it has to be him.” The former queen bounces out of her chair before making her way to the other side of the room. She reaches up onto a shelf, pulling out a book similar to Henry’s. “Take this.”

“Thank you.” Emma replies. It feels inadequate as she stares at the eloquent writing across the cover of the book - Once Upon a Time - knowing that a piece of Regina’s happiness has been so recently ripped away. And yet, she’s still helping, not retrieving into grief as Emma had done.  “Seriously, thank you. And if there’s anything I can do-”

“Just go home and get some rest. You look like hell.”

“Yeah, okay.”

-/-/-

When sleep comes, so do the monsters. This time it’s magic slamming her against the clock tower, her head throbbing with an intensity that carries past the dream and into the real world. Killian awakes to the sound of her soft moan as she rolls out of bed and stumbles to the door.

“Swan?”

“Go back to sleep, Killian. I’m just getting some ice.”

Instead of listening, he runs after her, helping her down the stairs to retrieve the treasure she was seeking, sitting her down on the couch. She feels warm in his arms, almost as if she could succumb back into slumber once the pain dulls. (She knows she won’t, but hopes Killian does.)

Maybe that’s the Sandman’s plan.

[heavenlybarnes]

giving your lover their hoodie back, the one you swore you'd never return, because you don't feel like wearing it anymore

i don't wanna ask u to write this but could u?? I'm so scared

remember me in red | bucky barnes one-shot

summary: you swore you'd never return bucky's henley. but after your breakup, hanging on to it is just too damn painful.

word count: 1.1K

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

tags: angst, angst, angst... yeah that's it

a/n: hi there my love!! thank you so much for the request! please don't be scared, i'm always happy to write stuff for you all :) i hope you don't mind that i changed the hoodie part to bucky's red henley!!

He'd always said red was your color.

According to him, you'd look pretty in anything you wore. Pretty even if you wore nothing—especially if you wore nothing—all soft skin and innocent eyes, sultry whispers suppressed behind delicate hands and a tight-lipped mouth. You drove him crazy when you did that, when you acted like you didn't drive him crazy, even though you knew you did.

Because Bucky thought you were pretty, and he made sure to tell you so. Especially when you wore his red henley.

The first time you put it on, you'd thought nothing of it. It was draped over the back of a chair and it was soft and all your clothes were in the wash and so you'd thought, he won't mind. I'll give it back tomorrow.

You hadn't.

Well, you'd tried, but Bucky hadn't let you. Keep it, he'd said. Practically begged. Please? I was gonna buy a new one, anyway.

Secretly you knew it was because he liked looking at you in it, that he had no plans to buy a new shirt. You almost had to laugh at the desperation leaking through his voice, words sticky with pleading; the furrow between his brows when his eyes met yours.

So you kept it because he asked you to, but mostly, you kept it because it smelled like him.

It's hanging in your closet now, color so faded it looks more pink than red. Like half-melted ice in a glass of cherry coke. One of the buttons at the top is coming loose, and there's a hole in the sleeve, big enough that your finger pokes through when you wear it.

But you haven't worn Bucky's henley in a long time.

You can't recall the last time you put it on, only that it was months ago, before your breakup. That afterwards, for a long while, you'd fallen asleep with it tucked close to your chest, laid it over your pillow at night just so you could remember what he smelled like. But then that smell had rubbed away, replaced by the flowery scent of your shampoo, and you hadn't taken it out of your closet since.

Until now.

Now, because you think you've finally moved on, because you're happy. Because the new guy at work asked you out for coffee next Friday and you told him yes, even though you haven't been on a proper date in almost a year. Because Bucky's henley has been staring at you, mocking you, for so long, and every time you look at it hanging in your closet you miss him all over again.

And missing Bucky isn't like missing an old friend. It's like missing a limb—a raw and physical ache you can feel down to the tips of your toes, the marrow of your bones. Missing Bucky is like falling a thousand feet in the air without the relief of death.

And you're sick of it.

It's why your hands fumble to slip your phone out of the pocket of your jeans, find his contact name from your address book and type the words without thinking twice.

Hey.

Is it okay if I stop by your place to drop something off?

It takes only a second for him to respond.

Hey.

Sure. That's fine.

Just four words, and your heart aches at their simplicity. There is no us in his response; only you and me. You don't know why you expected anything more.

Okay, you type. I'll be there in twenty.

You don't know why you expected a response to that, either.

Bucky answers after the first knock.

Your fist is still hovering over the door when it swings open, and you stumble back in surprise, back brushing the wall behind you. Bucky reaches out a hand as though on instinct, to steady you, and at the feeling of his fingers against the skin of your wrist you suck in a sharp breath.

He pulls away so quickly you think you imagined it.

But you didn't.

You know this because you can feel him, everywhere. Pinpricks of warmth trickling down the bare skin of your arm. Piercing the soft flesh of your heart. Where he touched you, there is a fire, hot and bright. A burning.

"M'sorry," Bucky blurts, cheeks pink. He flexes his fingers and runs them through newly-cropped hair. You liked his hair long, but you like it like this, too; briefly, you wonder how it would feel to slip your own fingers through it, tug on the short strands. If maybe it would feel the same as the first time you did it, two years ago. "Didn't mean to scare you."

You shake your head. "Don't worry about it. I—um. It's fine. You're fine." Stop talking. Your own cheeks heat.

Silence elapses between the two of you, then, the smothering sort. It molds itself in the space between your bodies like wet cement, thickening the air and making it hard to breathe.

Maybe coming here was a bad idea. You could've easily dropped the shirt off at a Goodwill. He probably won't want it anyway, it's so old, he probably forgot you still had it—

"Everything okay?"

Bucky's still blushing when you look up at him, but there's a new furrow between his eyebrows, a slight tilt to his head. He's looking at you the way he used to when you were still together and something was bothering you; the way that made you feel translucent. Studying you like you are a butterfly in a glass jar, not only to memorize, but to learn and set you free. And you love—well, loved—him for it, the way he knew you like you were a part of him. A sliver cut right from his soul.

You used to tell him everything. You want to tell him everything, still—how being here with him after months apart is suffocating, yet not being with him is equally difficult. How, ever since you split up, you've had to teach yourself how to live from scratch: using one tablespoon of coffee in the morning instead of two. Ordering alone at restaurants. Waking up to half the bed already made and wondering where he went, if maybe he left while you were sleeping. But he left months ago, and you were awake when it happened.

You want to tell Bucky that this henley is the last piece of him you have, and giving it away would be like giving him away. And you thought you were ready for it, you thought you were ready to leave the past behind you, but now he's looking at you like he looked at you when you were together, like you're a butterfly in a glass jar, and fuck everything if you don't want him to stop. You want him to touch you. To kiss you. To love you.

But Bucky doesn't want the same.

It's why you bunch the shirt up in your hand and hold it out to him, eyes downcast and glassy.

"Everything's fine," you say.

It sounds like a prayer.