#I don't want to die in misery without ever knowing anything different

[no-one-hears-me]

I've spent too much time on the verge of suicide to be here today

[bonny-kookoo]

Can we see a LO!Taehyung possibly? And his deviant human? Id love to see how shes fighting back.

It seems like I have finally awoken the interest in the LO-Universe (I am so happy)

"I'm not a pet." You threaten, sitting next to him, light but strong chain held by his hand, connected to a leather collar around your neck.

"Hm you are correct." He agrees. "Pets are domesticated. They follow their master. They are docile." The young king says. "You are none of that."

"And I'm not going to ever be any of that." You huff to yourself, arms crossed now. "Why are we here? And why the stupid collar?" You ask, annoyed, and he just smiles at you.

"Hm, we are here because humans need sunlight, I have been told." He explains to you. "And the collar.. well, I want you to have your hands and feet free. But you do not listen to a word I speak, so without it, you'd surely run off. Again." He adds at the end, making you look away.

Yes, you've escaped before. More than once- so it's no wonder he doesn't trust anything you say when it's about staying at his side.

"I will look into.. different ways to keep you secured soon enough. For now, this will have to do." The king tells you, wind of the salty seas blowing through his hair.

"Just get it over with and execute me." You say, but he looks almost offended at that.

"No." He denies. "You have done no crime that would require me to do such a thing." he tells you, before he shakes his head. "We are not blinded by rage like your kind. We are in control of it."

"Tell that to the last guy you murdered in your throne room-" You challenge, but he's quick to shut you down, green eyes staring you down.

"He made a threat to the throne and knew the potential consequences." Taehyung explains. "He challenged me, knowing that I would defend myself, knowing that he would die if he did not succeed. That is not murder-" He defends himself, "-that is simply the way of my people."

You look away at that. You don't want to admit that he has a point.

"Why do you refuse to accept your situation as what it is?" He asks after a moment, looking out to the seemingly endless green seas in front of him. "Denying what is reality right now will simply make you stay stuck in your own misery. You will never move on." He shakes his head.

"Maybe I don't want to fucking move on." You huff, hugging your legs.

"Well.." Taehyung simply says, before he slowly gets up, and tugs surprisingly gently on that chain connected to you.

"I will be here when you are ready."

[cayennecappuccino]

It's been a while since I really posted anything. Like, I love to write, but recently I've been focusing my energy in other places and it has left me feeling exhausted. I think I need to take a break, a step back and remember why I started going onto social media. Originally it was for creative writing, but there were so many social issues all over the world it felt like nothing I did would feel important or relevant enough to grasp the attention I wanted. I had just about given up posting my craft altogether for the sake of social issues as though somehow my own individual voice had the power to make it all go away. That isn't to say that posting about social issues isn't important, but what is important is to remember that as much as you speak up, you need to remember to take care of yourself. This might come off as insensitive, but you can't help or save everyone. No matter how hard you work, how much you scream, there is not ever going to be enough of you to go around. Now, with that in mind, all the energy you put out into the world, remember to keep some for yourself so that you can do what you love. So that you can continue living, surrounding yourself in all the misery of the world without reprieve will only exhaust you. When it gets to that point, remember that you are human and it is entirely okay to step away and recuperate. Jesus, rambling like this I kind of feel like an asshole because I'm wholly aware of the many things going on such as, the issues pertaining to my country in the United States, the issues with Israel and Palestine, the conflicts in the Congo. It feels like a shitty thing to do, but unless you can physically make your way either to the white house or the locations and are willing to die in order to make a difference you need to at least be in control of where you draw the line for your energy. Maybe it's just me, but it's something my therapist mentioned a while ago during covid. If you've got any further, I don't know, commentary to make on social activism and the emotional burnout that can come with it go ahead and comment. Please, though, remember to be civil and respectful.

[haleigh-sloth]

What are your thoughts on Gran Torino calling Tomura a “thing” and saying that his death will be his salvation, so Deku shouldn’t try that hard to save him? I’m worried that the story is going to end up agreeing with him in the end.

I've talked a lot about that line. Of course I can't find the most recent post I did where I talked about that line, love tumblr.

My bottom line is: It won't happen.

There are only a handful of characters who I have doubt for in my mind in terms of their arcs being satisfying to the max potential, and Tomura, Touya, and Toga are not on that list.

Gran Torino said that in chapter 309/310 (can't remember exactly which one and I don't feel like checking), and he has not been remembered/acknowledged by the protag or the narrative as a whole since.

I might be wrong and he may have shown up once?? But I'd even go so far as to say I think he's literally had 0 panel time since then, and we're on chapter 385.

Meanwhile in comparison you have Izuku remembering Tomura's pain in that one moment where he realized it was there, and remembering what he said he would do in chapter 305 MULTIPLE times, over the course of 80 chapters later. Now, which one has more narrative importance?

The thing is, the question of "can he be saved" is already there. Tomura's done a lot of damage, left a lot of death, misery, and mourning in his wake. The only positive force he's had in the manga is bringing the League together so none of them died alone, and which has resulted in half of them meeting their about-to-be-heroes. It's really not HARD to wonder "CAN HE BE SAVED??" The question is already there. Which, to me, explained why Gran Torino has been so ignored since he said that.

I know a lot of people try to play the argument of "oh the author did this good writing thing on accident", and no. He didn't. Everything in BNHA is intentional, that is a lesson I've learned. A frustrating, painful, but much appreciated lesson lol. Gran Torino saying it in the first place was intentional. Yes you are supposed to wonder if Izuku might think he has to let Tomura disappear or die. There's gotta be some level of doubt, even if it's not very convincing (and to me it's not lol). And then, Gran Torino being ignored for 80 chapters after is also intentional.

Izuku thinking about Tomura multiple times, asking if he's still there in his own body, knocking him out of his "tomb"--which Izuku referred to it as and emphasized the fact that it was a tomb--and falling to the ground with him to face him in the security of not having everyone else who wants to kill him around, is intentional.

The art is intentional. Look at the most recent panels with the two of them, and look at Izuku's general attitude toward Tomura in comparison to what it was during the PLF war arc. It's a complete 180, it's entirely different and way more full of determination than it is rage and anger. That wasn't on accident.

Anything that involves Tomura dying results in the main protagonist's arc ending in complete failure. The story has not once validated the "kill to save" take, nor has it once validated Gran Torino on anything, ever.

I use this same argument when I talk about Touya. Ochacko saving Toga--which lots of people seem to be more accepting of now, finally--will not happen without Shouto saving Touya and Izuku saving Tomura. None of those three will succeed while one of them fails on the side and mourns their failure to save someone who was crying---which those three villains are all crying. It just won't happen.

Obviously I'm not Horikoshi. But this is seriously one of the things where I am 0% concerned about where the story is headed. Tomura is the best written character in the manga, he's been rewritten time and time again, redrafted time and time again. My confidence that his arc won't be trashed at the end is really high. I am not worried.

[deng-yi-deng]

a quick note on my feelings about the ending of Till the End of the Moon. A counterpoint to those who were unhappy with it (which it seems like many were) - under the cut for the spoilers

Was it a sad ending? Yes it was. Did I cry? Yes I did. I do not usually cry for dramas, but I'm still tearing up over six hours later. Also, I won't be comparing anything with the original novel since I didn't finish and consider them to be totally different beasts.

Some of the critiques of the ending that I'm seeing are along the lines of 'TTJ deserved a HE because he suffered so much' another is 'we don't watch fantasy/xianxia to have to see the terrible suffering we know is happening in the world'.

Those are also things I said going into this drama - and that it sets a bad precedent to always have BE to be 'memorable' or 'profound' and that we could all use a HE these days. But I changed my mind, and therefore was satisfied (broadly) with the ending. (Yes, I have quibbles with some of the editing, but I have for many of the episodes.)

The reason I'm ok with the ending is twofold - one, though it is sad, I don't think it qualifies as a Bad Ending because the hero(es) achieved their aims. Li Susu did change Tantai Jin's heart, and she killed the Devil God. And Tantai Jin had an end to his suffering, and found love - not just from Susu but also from a father figure in Immortal Zhaoyou and from his sect brothers. TTJ's happiness was very short-lived and yeah, that really sucks. But he had the most amazing character arc ever.

His life was filled with cruelty and misery, and he had every reason and opportunity to choose to reflect that back into the world, but he didn't. His love for Susu led him to also love the world. Every good thing he did was a reflection of her, and to try to impress her. He managed to outsmart the Devil God, thanks in part to Ming Ye, and he died knowing that he had won! He had not totally fulfilled Devil God's prophecy, he had taken as much control of his life as he could, and he turned it around - he destroyed the All-in-Distress-Way instead of unleashing it on the world. He also died knowing that Susu understood what he had sacrificed, that he loved her and she loved him and even though she wanted to die with him he was also able to save her!

The other reason I feel this isn't a BE is that unlike some xianxias which are mostly romance focused, TTEOTM was at its heart not a romance. That played an important part, but the main story was about the struggle to save the world from certain destruction. This changes the nature of what qualifies as a BE vs HE. In the Bo're dream arc, we see the 12 gods sacrifice their lives to stop the Devil God. In the end it was Susu and TTJ trying to save the world, together. Their love is an important element, but it's not the story. TTEOTM is high stakes, it's gods vs. demons good vs. evil - and good wins, the world is saved. One individual's life is important, but they are just part of something greater. To focus on a typical married+kid HE for one character seems out of balance.

The drama articulates this point when Susu the goddess and TTJ are on the Celestial Pillar looking out on the world. Everything looks small, mountains are like peas. Only the gods get that view, and even the gods are finite. They are both part of something larger, something infinite. TTJ dies with a peaceful look on his face, knowing he's chosen this end, and that Susu and the rest of the world will go on without him.

The message is also part of the particular aesthetic that TTEOTM cultivates. With the Dunhuang look, they've also introduced Buddhist moral and philosophical concepts into what is normally the Taoist space of xianxia. Suffering is everywhere, the result of karma. The only way to break out of this cycle of suffering is to see and understand the nature of the cycle- at which point you can choose to leave it or stay to save others. (I am condensing an entire religious system into one sentence very badly don't at me). TTJ tricks Susu into following the Heartless Path again and become a god so that she can kill him and end the All-in-distress Way. He chooses to save others by destroying himself. His suffering is ended, along with the future suffering of the people. And it won't happen again. This is huge! 500 years later, the world is peaceful.

I'll agree there are other ways they might have done the end, but I'm personally satisfied with it. And since a little of TTJ's consciousness is in the scale, he could eventually come back. I guess in one version of the script he does, and so some are rightfully upset that was cut.

[1-1-s1ay-2-2]

The Scorpio Code | Explained

Confirmation...it's NOT just me. #popularopinion #majorityrules

1 - Scorpio

"There wasn't much debate that this is the most hated zodiac sign. "Scorpios are moody and cagey characters," states Clare. "It can be impossible to get a gauge of their emotions, and they are manipulative when they want to be." Their calculating ways come from their deep intuition. This can be a good thing if you're a loved one, but if you've crossed a Scorpio, "they either get what they want or they get even," warns Barretta.

What makes people more turned off by this mysterious sign is how long they'll hold a grudge. "Most other signs, with a few exceptions, can learn to let go of a conflict for the greater good of a relationship, but Scorpios hold their pride to such a high degree that it can be incredibly challenging to reconcile with them after a fight," explains Clare. It could be best to keep the Scorpio in your life at arm's length if you fear their intensity."

*ahh haaaa moment* 🏹 ♐ #archersup #archingfortruth

So, there you have it. Is it any surprise that by marrying two different Scorpio men since I was eighteen years old, my life has been a living hell of nothing but darkness, despair, and perpetual misery? ♏

The majority agrees...Scorpios suck buckets. 🕳

There were other signs that made this list, but Scorpios made number one. Speaks volumes doesn't it. Needless to say...but I will anyways because apparently, people like me need it drilled in their brains, as I've married two of these creeps. Do not marry a Scorpio. You will live to regret it, or you won't live at all. You will die inside a little each day proceeding on the ship you enter with a Scorpio.

The Scorpio Code is a real thing. It's the code these bastards live by.

Do not be fooled by their deception because they are masters at deceiving. They will deceive you while you sleep and not miss a wink of sleep themselves. They believe in one thing, their own existence...and nothing else.

Do not let their "mystery" aka habitual need to lie and use lies to gain power over others or to impress in order to get their way in any situation -- no matter who it hurts or what it destroys -- allure you.

The tricky manipulators use pseudo charm to entice you into believing they are "mate" material. They are not. They want you to first believe they make good boyfriends, fiances, husbands, and life partners. They do NOT.

It's part of their psych/ego power-tripping game. They don't know how to express their emotions in a healthy way, so they just don't.

That's their philosophy...just don't. Don't give a damn about anything but themselves. Don't care a rat's crack about other people's feelings, not even if that Scorpio claims to love you will he truly care about your feelings, or how he hurts them. He will use any power he has over your feelings and emotions to keep you emotionally attached while he remains cold, distant, and emotionally detached.

Scorpios are master gaslighters. They will always flip any situation that is bringing a negative light upon them, by using their darkness against you. They will lie straight to your face while looking you in the eyes, without even blinking or twitching their smile. And they don't smile much so I don't even know why I said that. Their sense of humor is basically non-existent. You could be on the moon and face an easier crowd than in a room with just one Scorpio alpha male. At least on the moon, you'd get a laugh outta somebody...yourself.

But with a Scorpio, their sense of humor resembles that of a log floating down a river, so getting them to laugh is a daunting task.

You end up embarrassing yourself, and the whole moment, which started as a lighthearted gesture, ends with you feeling awkward and out of place in your own existence.

Getting them to smile isn't any easier. Do not go to a comedy show with a Scorpio. They will be the only straight-faced person in the room while looking for the nearest exit. You will be left alone to laugh on your own and they will be nowhere to be found. Until they come around to boost their ego via their power over you.

Scorpios are MOST HATED for a reason. Look for my future book:

The Scorpio Code My life with the most hated men alive.

Because living with a Scorpio alpha male is like swirling slowly through the intense oblivion of a black hole. It's not like Friday with nothing to do and nowhere to go, no, it's like knowing you're in hell and you're never gonna escape. It's like being violently ripped apart at the seams of your being like a scene from the latest Hellraiser.

Do not pass go. Do not proceed beyond the boundary line. This is your first and last warning. Enter at your own risk and be prepared to face the consequence. And there will be consequences to loving a Scorpio. There will be years of your life wasted to the darkness of their energy as it consumes your heart and soul with a negative intensity. Their controlling love and brutal nature leave you in a state of forever longing. Longing to be free. Longing to have never known them. Longing to never see their face again as long as the sun shines upon the earth. Living with a Scorpio and worse yet, truly loving a Scorpio is the worst prison sentence you could dish out to yourself.

Hear me now, save yourself a life of regret and turmoil by asking a person their sign as soon as you meet them, and if anyone you meet is a Scorpio, and they don't actually lie about being a Scorpio, then say bye and go on your way. Your future, happy self will thank the could've been, miserably depressed version of you, had you allowed that Scorpio to engage beyond hello.

[tragically-broken]

ventinggg

honestly, I'm just irritated with my gf and need somewhere to put this so here I go. sometimes she goes out of the country and when this happens there is a 24hr time difference which makes communicating really hard. surprisingly this time wasn't as bad as others have been but ever since the trip we've been out of sync. she often goes through these bouts of depression periods where she sleeps all day and I mean that literally. like she will actually literally be asleep for more than 24hrs. she's going through one of these periods rn and I thought tonight we would finally get to talk and catch up but we only chatted for like 30 min and then she decided not to eat dinner and just go to sleep instead. i don't want to make her feel bad about this bc lord knows that will prob just make her depression worse but also how is this fair to me? shes applying for jobs rn which I think is really contributing to the issue for sure. a few months ago she got fired which was secretly such a blessing bc that job was making her miserable and her boss was a nightmare. for about 4ish months she was doing the depression sleeping SO much and everyday she would tell me how miserable she was which as someone who loves her is really hard to hear. i kept gently nudging her to quit but it never took but she got fired thank god. anyway all this to say is that ever since then she's been sooooooo much better! She's not telling me she wants to off herself all the time and she wasn't sleeping nearly as much. however now that she's getting a full-time job again I fear this is going to happen again. I can already feel the emotional distance, her misery, and how much she's sleeping and skipping meals. i truly can't live this way and that scares me bc I love her so much and can't imagine life without her. and maybe most people would say just talk to her but how am I supposed to have this conversation without making her situation/depression even worse? but then at the same time, what am I just never gonna say anything ever? i don't really know what to do. then there are the everyday issues that are really starting to annoy me such as her being in NY during the winter yet refusing to wear a sweater or turn the heat on despite the fact that she's terribly cold! she hates sweaters for whatever reason and she won't turn the heat on bc of "money". btw she's not in a poor demographic to where she would actually have to worry about this but she grew up poor. i get old habits die hard but it's like stop constantly telling me how miserable you are when the solution is so simple you just refuse to do it!!!!!!!!!!!! i will never understand. now that I've gotten all this out I feel a bit better. i prob just need to chill. i know relationships ebb and flow and things will most likely get back to being okay again and eventually good again. i think im just feeling neglected. like maybe I have needs!!!! maybe I need to feel connected and spend time with my gf when shes not miserable!!! imagine that!!! uhhhg! i feel kinda mean but also valid in what I'm saying. i can love her and be frustrated with her at the same time. im just tired and want to be happy and id like her to be part of that happiness.

[chironshorseass]

honestly tragic we never got so see percy fight (and win) against Mars. Imagine defeating the same god in different versions TWICE!

ahh yes. the legendary story of perseus jackson, the godkiller.

percy did not kneel for mars when he was at camp jupiter. mars, the protector of rome, second to only jupiter, and percy!!! did!! not!!! kneel like the rest!!! percy also says something along the lines of "i fought you before" but he doesn't remember, and as mars, the god tells him that he could not beat him. as ares percy could've won in the fight maybe, but he could never win with him as mars. so imagine if percy's like "bet." and challenges him to a duel and they swear on the styx to not go against the other in any way shape or form after if they survive...... and mars laughs bc duh, he'll just kill that little shit who dares go against him. whatever. so he agrees LOL and the romans see all this unfold w horror, but they cant do anything. another LOL.

they fight and percy fucking beheads him and after he regenerates (bc he's a god) he can't curse him LOL. BUT mars doesn't need to bc the romans all attack percy, and he fucking dies, but since the doors of death don't fucking work he comes back from the dead à la centurion gwen. so, funny story. That Happens, and still frank asks him to join his quest to return the eagle or whatever, reyna and the senate discuss this, and percy's like "uhhhhh did y'all just kill me and now y'all want me to help rome survive?? ok awkward. i'll only do it because i like frank and hazel and they'll probably die without me xo u can all go to hell." off they go on the quest. hazel tells percy first about pluto's curse and that she's from the 40's bc she just trusts him a lot and also because he can relate since he also died and came back. frank is a bit scared of him but they quickly reconcile.... like it's ok. u beheaded my dad, but he can be a dick i get it :) and the funniest shit ever is that, when the eagle is retrieved, the romans make him praetor.

*camper voice* then he steps down from his role as praetor because "eh, it's no biggie" and proceeds to fall into tartarus with his girlfriend. even funnier story..... the primordial goddess of misery tries to kill him but he flips an uno reverse card and kills her instead by making her choke on her own tears. haha. yeah that's what i heard, anyway. they don't call him perseus jackson the godkiller for nothing. um so yeah i think even monsters and gods are scared of him and yeah he could've already died and started another war in the process, but nepotism is strong and so is his daddy. also, who knows? maybe he's impossible to kill. maybe he's a god himself. oh!! rumor has it that poseidon and sally jackson had another baby together. yeah i know what u think, but she's hot. i saw her with mine own eyes. let's pray for the future of mankind, amiright?

[genderqueerpositivity]

On Monday I'll be officially nine months on testosterone. I had an appointment with my HRT provider yesterday and that went okay.

My next appointment will be in March at one year. Time is flying by.

CW: changes from testosterone, mentions of weight, genitals, periods, mental health, suicide, etc

Changing are happening slowly which is fine with me. Sometimes I feel impatient, but I look at the progress I've already had and remind myself that this is what I've wanted.

I'm very happy with the physical changes. Some I wish would happen faster and others I'm fine with happening at a slow pace. I've had no more changes to my voice and no more bottom growth, but I'm still growing new body hair everywhere. At some point I expect the hair creeping up my belly and down my chest to meet in the middle somewhere. I've definitely had some fat redistribution, especially around my belly. I've gained some new muscle in my upper body.

I've had some small changes to my face shape and hairline. My skin still breaks out and ingrown hairs are still happening everywhere, so I'm still searching for exactly the right skincare routine.

My periods haven't returned. I have occasional random cramps, but nothing nearly as severe as I used to have. I don't miss it and I don't miss the mood swings and sensory issues I used to deal with during my periods.

The biggest changes aren't physical. I think sometimes about how much time I used to spend wondering what it would be like to be on T and wishing that were me. And now it is. I don't have to wonder anymore. I used to think about it almost everyday. I used to lay in bed at night trying to imagine myself on T and debating if it would be the right choice for me. Now I get that brain space back because I know and I don't have to wonder anymore. It's freeing.

My dysphoria is quieter and smaller overall. Even my chest dysphoria, even though I know that I still need top surgery in the future. If anything, being on T has made me even more certain of that. But I can shower now without being totally miserable. I look forward to seeing the changes instead of dreading undressing.

I'm not on antidepressants anymore and for the first time since I was a teenager, I don't feel like I need them. I don't want to die; that is no longer my backup plan for escaping from the misery.

I definitely still have terrible anxiety (that antidepressants never helped with anyway). I still have occasional meltdowns and shutdowns. I still deal with stress at work (although that has improved a lot lately too). I still have a bad days with my dysfunctional ass family. I don't want to die.

I'm not sure exactly when the change occured, but it has. What a gift. I don't want to die. Sometimes I'm just good. Okay. Steady.

I think I'm going to be on T for the long term. I originally imagined that I'd do this for a few months until I reached some unknown point where I'd decide I've seen enough changes. I feel differently now. The idea of this being for life doesn't bother me anymore and I feel like it would even be a good thing.

It was never really about passing for male for me because my gender isn't binary, but passing is a gender euphoric experience for me. It really varies what gender I'm perceived to be by others and that is also weirdly fine. The thing about being on HRT and having most of the people in my life not know is that it feels like this is really for me and not about anyone else. I'm less bothered about being misgendered than I ever have been before. Maybe because I'm more confident in my own gender and transness than I ever have been?

Overall I think that going on T has been one of the best decisions I've ever made.

[bitch-for-a-rainbow]

So there's a blanddcheadcanons post that says that "Kara is the mortal avatar of Rao" and I really don't like it, especially in the context of SG 3x04 (The Faithful). At best, as was pointed out to me by a friend with whom I discussed this post, the House of El is likely blessed and somewhat sponsored by Rao, which probably doesn't do much but produce Krypton's greatest heroes, given what the word "El" **means** in Kryptonian. I'm interested in your thoughts on this (pls post your answer).

    I reject the headcannon solely because if it were true it would mean Coville was right and I fucking hate that bitch.

     In all seriousness, though, this is an idea I've seen a lot and I'm not a huge fan of. I don't know much about Raoism beyond what appears in the show and that which can be inferred off of the show. One thing I would point out though is that El in Kryptonian (while obviously being intended to mean God by the original comic writers) can mean Sun or Stars, and since the Kryptonians in the show are, as far as I can tell, monotheistic, and worshipped only one particular star, the El family is not necessarily named God. It would, however, signify their enormous prestige on Krypton and contribute to the famous El pride (or rather, arrogance). I’m not sure it would necessarily have to mean anything more than that-- that the Els are a respected house who have produced a variety of successful politicians, civil servants, and scientists. And (this time reaching a little bit) that they are perhaps so old and respected that their house name was once a title. 

      There is a certain allure to the theory, for sure. Kara is a paragon character. She always, always does what she thinks is right, regardless of the cost, personal or global, and regardless of what other people might think of it. She has a very direct moral compass, and there are only a handful of times when she doesn’t follow it, all of which involve saving Lena. Ship who you want, but it is notable that Kara routinely prioritzes Lena’s life over that of others given the rarity of that happening otherwise. She never even considered breaking Rick Thompson’s father out of prison when he kidnapped Alex, and all he’d committed was bank robbery. Kara has lines she does not cross (though murder is clearly not one of them). She is a character that has seen some of the worst that sentient life is capable of, has seen more death and suffering than most people could imagine, and she came out of it with an all-encompassing desire to protect others. She lives to give people hope. Plus, the humor of having Kara-- the one person most offended by the idea of being an Avatar of Rao-- turn out to be an Avatar of Rao is great.

       But, I would also say that having Kara want to do good because she is the avatar of a benevolent god is reductive and not particularly true to her character. It is true that helping and protecting people is a large part of the core of who Kara is. But there is a difference between altruism and the self-destructive, bordering of suicidal desperation to save absolutely everyone that Kara practices. And to anyone who doubts the suicidal bit, I direct you to the season 1 finale where Kara literally goes on a goodbye tour because she thinks if she goes out to fight Non she’ll die. She still goes because she has hope, but that hope is that she can at least save Earth with her life. She doesn’t fight because she is certain in the ultimate victory of good and justice. She does it because she more afraid to lose another family than she is to die. Kara doesn’t become Supergirl and risk her own life because she believes in good, she does it because she can’t stand to listen to people suffer-- because she has suffered. To use Alex’s words in 1x13 “You fight everyday to keep people from struggling like you have.” Notably also in 1x13, Kara wakes up from the Black Mercy and her first words are “Who did this to me?” and then she goes after Non in what could arguably be described as a homicidal rage-- a rage that is fueled entirely for personal reasons, not the greater good of Earth (though that comes as an added benefit), which is.... not very befitting the avatar of a benevolent god. 

     A major part of season 1 is Kara dealing with grief and rage. She nearly breaks a guy's arm in episode 6 because he screamed at her for damaging his car, to hell with the children he'd almost hit with it. In season 3's Midvale flashbacks we see her first put both hands through a lunch table, then attack Jake when she suspects him for Kenny's death. She gets better at controlling it as the seasons progress, but during Crisis she very nearly melts Lex. Also not particularly godly of her. 

     Then there is the fact that so much of who Kara is is shaped by fear: fear of the government, fear of humanity, fear of abandonment, and fear of herself. In her civilian life, Kara is, for the most part, unnoticeable. She's polite, soft-spoken, doesn't wear a lot of bold colors or styles, and is often a pushover. As shown by her encounter with Red Kryptonite, Kara would not dress or speak the same way to people without the pressure of hiding her identity (though much of her dialogue is purely the loss of her "don't be an asshole" filter, some of it is stuff she had every right to say before and just didn't). I have always found that episode to be very interesting purely for the fact that Kara doesn't actually seem to be seeking harm on others so much as seeking their attention. Her argument with Alex is almost entirely about how much she hates having to hide and pretend to be less than she is. Kara drops Cat off the balcony and then catches her. She attacks the police when they point weapons at her but doesn't kill or even hurt them that badly, instead of destroying the car they're using as shelter. Red-K removed her inhibitions, made her angrier, yes, but if her goal was to actually hurt people, she could have done so-- would have done so, and with great ease. She goes to a public bar and uses super strength to smash bottles by flicking peanuts. Why do that at a crowded bar? Why not just flick potato chips at the windows in her own apartment?

      This is Kara at her absolute worst-- but does she seek out the DEO agents who shot her out of the sky? Does she go after Maxwell Lord or Non? No. She tries to make people pay attention to her. Her most shameful and hideous desire is for people to give her respect. (Admittedly, respect gained through fear, but still.). Kara's a nice person-- much, much nicer than average-- but a lot of that "nice" is just her avoiding conflict to avoid attention.

      Kara is a good person. Kara inspires people. But that is because Kara gets up every day and chooses to be good and to inspire. It's one of the reasons I enjoy Non as a villain so much-- he and Astra are Kara's narrative foils. They also remember Krypton and grieve its loss. They also were trapped in the Phantom Zone. But where Kara had the Danvers to convince her that some good people existed and would risk themselves just to help others, Non and Astra had Alura sentencing them to eternal suffering rather than helping them save their planet (through the means they thought necessary) and then landed on Earth and found it headed on the same path as the planet they'd just lost. Kara had people to help her grieve. Non and Astra were surrounded by misery. They lost hope. Kara discovered it.

     Kara is the Paragon of Hope because she has been hopeless. Because she has suffered so much, seen so much, and because she chooses to believe in a better future. She didn't have hope her first time in the Phantom Zone. She didn't even have hope for a while on earth. From what we can gather, Kara's choice to start actually believing in the future was a gradual shift that occurred sometime after Kenny's death and has lasted her ever since. For Kara, hope is learned. She chose to hope and she won't let it go, and to assign that incredible victory off to her being a God is an insult to her growth and to her character. 

   Now I personally thought “The Faithful” handled this concept very well. 3x04 is one of my favorite episodes of television in general, let alone in Supergirl. Season 3 is my second favorite season, and that says a lot for its good episodes when the bad of season 3 is so, so very bad (To say nothing of the episode to episode production value, we have the waste of Argo, Mon El’s return as obviously he’s grown he has a beard Mon El, and whatever the hell was going on with Kryptonian genetic engineering eclipse causing witches). To this day I don’t know why Kara had magic dreams. The show did nothing to explain it and I can’t imagine up a reason. 

     But “The Faithful” works because it highlights the whole paragon part of who Kara is. When you realize that every person in the room of Coville’s cult is a person she has personally saved-- that hits hard. Especially since only a fraction of the people she’s saved would ever set foot inside that building with the totally not-creepy, entirely wholesome way they deliver the invitations. (“Your daughter is special. She has been chosen. As have you.”) It works because it focuses on how the average human must view Kara, the ones who don’t see her argue with her sister over potstickers and crush her phone when she gets mad. It works because of how desperately hard Kara tries to be a human. It works because the writers know that we, the audience, do not see Kara as anything but a regular person with irregular abilities: a kind and remarkably devoted person, but not a god. 

[icharchivist]

Lucilius fucked Belial up so bad, there's no fix-it or au I can even begin to imagine where Belial doesn't turn out like this unless Lucilius himself sorts his shit out. Like, you can't external influence your way into it being better.

Honestly? Yeah.

Like it's just beyond comprehension at this point. Lucilius just set up Belial to this sort of suffering and i genuinely don't think Belial could have been any different, even if Lucilius had survived, unless Lucilius was just a drastically different person.

If external influence could have helped Belial, he wouldn't "hate" Lucifer that much. (and "hate" is such a big word bc man their relationship.....) He wouldn't have betrayed Sariel at the first turn in 000.

And tbh it's so hard to see him eventually come around and accept to get fixed, helped, or anything, because he's devoted himself to Lucilius for too long, his vision of his purpose is twisted beyond repair and unfortunately Lucifer played a part in making sure Belial would never attempt to challenge his purpose (else be like him?? who killed his beloved???? rather die, rather being the most twisted monster of the universe and stick to his purpose than evolve like the one who took his beloved away from him).

It's just. so sad. Because the more you look at it the more Belial is just an inherently broken person who was set to this misery from the start, from the way Lucilius had programmed him and had treated him as a result. The absolute cruelty to show only disgust at the one you designed to be your loyal servant, and only love and care at the one you designed to develop free will. Which is of course indicative of Lucilius's own search for free will and everything

and tbh i think that he probably set Belial up like that so Belial could play his part in the best way. Belial was the one who had to reunite the Fallen Angels and with the way he recruited Sariel, i don't think he was expecting that the ultimate goal Lucilius had with this endeavor was to condemn all of them to a fate worse than death. But by making sure Belial is so blindly loyal to him, that Belial is just always craving his care and attention, he makes sure that Belial would betray all of them in a heartbeat just for Lucilius. Setting up Belial in a task that can call to his good heart, and then asking him to rip it open. And Belial would and Belial did because he was starved so much for Lucilius's love and attention that of course he'd do anything Lucilius wanted.

And all of that for what? For Lucilius to still look at him with disgust, to still constantly bring him down, to consider him worthless. He's accepted his purpose for Lucilius, dirtied his hands for Lucilius, destroyed countless of lives for Lucilius, antagonized Lucifer in the hope that in this rivalry Lucilius may pay attention to him, triggered an apocalypse for Lucilius, did everything Lucilius ever wanted. all of this for Lucilius to still being disgusted by him, hating him. For Lucilius to rather die with a smile if Lucifer was the one to kill him.

.... honestly all the angels need therapy at this point, i'd say Lucifer is the only one who had a bit of mental stability but between how he had to cope with the sudden loss of the three people he cared the most about and that his whole storyline revolves around how he was so perfect he kept failing the people he cared the most about, i think he needs it greatly too.

Man.

But yeah i genuinely don't know how Belial could have been better. And even know it's hard to even see how he could get any better now that he has Lucilius back. He doesn't care Lucilius is treating him like shit again as long as he's with him. though dk if you checked his GBVS song but

"Drown in my soul, give yourself all to me, and wander no more. I need you back beside me, hollow fool that i am. Grant me just one wish, i beg, please take your servant's hand.(...) This two as one, shall wreak vast, new creation. A million night could pass without a trace, so long as you’re mine."

Even with Lucilius's back, and even with his convinction that he cannot outgrow his purpose and change, that he is forever doomed to be what his master created him for...

still he's begging for this one selfish wish. To be loved in return.

and as long as he's still hang up on Lucilius he'll never allow himself to grow. But he's also convinced himself that he can never outgrow his love for him.

And i genuinely don't know how he'd ever manage to outgrow that.

Even if Lucio or Sandalphon confronted him, i think Belial would win a lot more forcing them to see that they're more alike than not, than either of them would by showing him he doesn't have to be this way.

Truly my only hope is and will always be in Sariel, since Sariel did love Belial unconditionally in a way that always threw Belial off.

But even there Sariel can't do everything and i don't know how he could even convince Belial that Lucilius is worth leaving behind.

MAN BELIAL IS JUST SO SAD MAN.

[kanri-tea]

Jakurai dies! AU (part 2)

Jakurai dies and the world keeps moving.

OR: Ichiro, Samatoki, Ramuda and Yotsutsuji in the aftermath.

The aftermath isn't pretty, but death never is. They're all still in shock, Jakurai's death still replaying in their minds even hours afterwards.

"...It's all your fault."

It's Yotsutsuji, and god, just seeing him makes them all realize that the boy has no one left. Not his parents, not sensei, not anymore. Death has claimed them all.

"I wish you had died instead." (We do too.)

Yotsutsuji takes up Jakurai's microphone. It's heartbreaking to see the microphone in his hands, too achingly familiar, yet so different.

The TDD split up. They were always meant to, but in one universe, they split on bad terms, each one at odds with another.

In this one though, their wounds are too raw, too painful. They've already lost one, what if they lost another? It's not something they want to contemplate. They make up. They communicate.

It makes all the difference in the world.

For Ichiro, losing Jakurai hurts. The man was the closest thing to a parent that he'd ever had in a long, long time.

Everything aches, but Ichiro knows he has to move on. Even if not for his own sake because he doesn't deserve it then at least for his brothers, for Jiro and Saburo. His brothers worry, but Ichiro keeps a smile on his face. They don't need to be burdened with his woes. He keeps an eye out for Yotsutsuji, because, if nothing else, he can do this much. For Jakurai's sake.

The aching doesn't go away though. The guilt doesn't fade. Ichiro helplessly mourns, unable to move on and dreams of Jakurai's death plaguing his nights.

For Samatoki, Jakurai's death brings him back to desperate times, time of helplessness. It spirals him into guilt and "what-if's."

Nemu has turned her back on him. Jakurai dies protecting him like his mother. It feels like the world is trying to tell him that he can't protect anything. He has to keep going though; time stops for no man. Samatoki can tell that his new teammates are worried, but frankly, he couldn't give a shit what the rabbit cop thought, and well, who the hell knows what Rio is thinking? He keeps an eye on Yotsutsuji - it's the least he can do.

His mind keeps going back to that day. The memories prey on him, the gunshots haunt him, and shadows of Jakurai are at every turn. Samatoki isn't sure he knows how to keep going anymore.

For Ramuda, it's like his heart has been torn out and ripped to shreds. While he and Jakurai might not've been lovers, not exactly, there was something there, something intense.

He turns his back on the Chuuoku. Somehow, he manages to run away. It's difficult at first, medicine not being a commodity and government agents and clones at every turn, but he manages. Surprising, it's Amayado that gets him a way out. Ramuda is free, and he forms Fling Posse. He has to keep walking, because Jakurai is dead and he can't keep living his life wallowing in misery. He keeps an eye on Yotsutsuji though, because Jakurai cared so much for him, and Ramuda could do this much, at the very least.

The memories haunt him. Every wisp of purple reminds him of the kind man. Ramuda doesn't think he could ever love anyone as much, not again. The guilt, the pain, and the heartbreak is overwhelming and Ramuda isn't sure if he can keep on walking.

"Would you care to join me in changing the world?"

Yotsutsuji smiles. It's a small one, one that shows no teeth and exudes kindness.

It's the same one that sensei used to have, the one that he practices everyday.

Everything hurts now. It's hard to get up in the morning knowing that he'd have to face another day without the kind doctor.

In front of him are Kannonzaka Doppo and Izanami Hifumi. Jakurai would've found them interesting, Yotsutsuji thinks fondly.

The Division Rap Battles are approaching, and without a shadow of a doubt, the others will be there too. Just the thought of them infuriates him.

They'll pay, he thinks, for killing sensei. For killing my family.

In the distant corner of his mind though, he knows they're not at fault. That Jakurai wouldn't have wanted him to blame them. But it's so much easier to lay the blame at their feet, to think that they caused his death and not Jakurai choosing to die for them.

Excerpt from a letter to Amaguni Hitoya from Jinguji Jakurai, post-mortem.

Hitoya-kun, if you're reading this, I suppose that means I'm dead. I wish I could've seen you once more, but fate, it seems, had other plans.

I should get the point, shouldn't I? You never did like pointless dallying.

I'm sorry.

I can't really tell you what I'm sorry for or why, but I am.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I've done to make you leave. For you to completely sever communication.

I... I know I'm not a good person. I wish I could've been better. But what I must've done must have been really bad for you to leave entirely.

You might not think the same anymore, but I really do love you. You were my best friend meant a lot to me.

You really are amazing. I heard about that trial, the one with the mob boss. You did so well.

I wish I could've told you in person.

I hope you'll forgive me one day, but it's fine if you don't. I don't deserve it.

With love,

Sincerely,

Jinguji Jakurai

[spicyfoodboi]

petals covered in blood

Genre: angst

A Tetsuro Kuroo and Kei Tsukishima x reader

A hanahaki disease AU

Synopsis: seeing them falling in love with someone else, soon enough, they start coughing up flowers.

a/n: hey guys! Yes, I said that was taking a break but I felt bored and asked bby sam from @cadekagi for suggesting hanahaki disease and for proofreading and correcting my BS. Hope you guys enjoyed it! Requests are open so please don't be shy in leaving anything in my inbox! Let's get on with it.

 Tetsuro Kuroo

Kuroo felt something coming up his throat as he tries to conceal his barks into his fist, pretending that it was just a cold. He stumbled out the gym doors and out in the hallways to go to the nearest sink.

  He could feel it scratching his throat as another fit of coughs and hacks crashed on top of him. He felt something liquid in his mouth as he opened the door to the boys' bathroom getting to the sink just in time to hack out a whole rich red marigold, the yellow in its petals coated with blood and mucus.

 He visibly retched as he looked at the sink after he finishes up choking on the last remaining petals. He looked down, taking the marigold into his hand. It wasn't like this was the first time he saw the same bloody flower in his palm. He started rasping up when he realized that you fell in love with Nekoma's libero, Yaku. He’s felt agony in his heart and now his throat and lungs for 3 weeks at least. He couldn’t really remember anymore. Even though he already experienced hacking up this flower for weeks now, he still felt the pain in his throat; not only that, he felt unbearable pain in his heart.

 Kenma walked in, his switch tucked into his pocket as he looked at Kuroo with a concerned look. Kuroo told him about the flowers that were blocking his airway, coming up when he had violent coughing fits like this. Kenma scoured the internet for answers, solutions to the problem his best friend was facing. He learned that it was hanahaki disease, a deadly sickness that affected the people falling in love with others that don't love them back.

  Kenma found out that there was a surgery he could get to remove the pain and unfortunately, the feelings away too. Time and time again, Kenma tried, pleaded for Kuroo to get the surgery but he refused every time.

 Tetsuro would rather die with blood-soaked flowers coming out of his lips instead of losing the warm feeling in his chest every time he sees you smile.

 He flashed a smile at Kenma before he felt another coughing fit coming on. He bent over the counter, coughing up leftover petals. Kenma walked over and handed him a tissue. "kuroo, your life is on the line. Please, for the love of god, get the surgery." He looked away from the raven-haired boy. He didn't want to see the sorrow swimming in his eyes. He didn't want to see the pain written on his face. The way his best friend’s face contorted into misery every time he felt the marigolds scratching up his throat, the way he tries to put on a smile seeing you with Yaku, making sure not to show anyone what was happening to him.

 Kuroo sighed, looking at his best friend, "I would rather die than forget the feeling I get when I see (y/n)," he said hoarsely. His vocals were ruined from the flowers coming up his throat. He could deal with all that pain. He could deal with himself losing his life on the tile floor with blood and petals in his toilet bowl- as long as he dies feeling that same warm feeling in his stomach every time he thinks of you.

 They found him in that very same position in his house the morning after.

 Kei Tsukishima

You felt another fit coming on. You bent over to shoot all the blood and crushed white petals in the toilet bowl. In the toilet were 3 white roses, covered in blood. You wiped your mouth with your sleeve hastily. You don’t want anyone to know. You felt disgusting, gross. A girl vomiting flowers isn’t a good thing to be known for.

 You've been vomiting out roses for weeks now. It was ever since you saw Tsukki with another girl on a date that you started feeling these things. You felt immense pain, first in your heart, and now scratching up your throat as you coughed out the white petals. Your best friends were begging you to get the surgery, and once you saw Tsukki kissing the mystery girl, you decided to get it over with.

 It was the last day you would have to see these crushed up roses in your toilet bowl. This was the last day you would feel the pain.

 The pain of hacking up these bloody flowers.

 The pain of seeing Tsukki with someone else.

 You couldn't wait to get it over with.

 A few days after your procedure, you felt as happy as ever. You recovered and went back to managing the Karasuno volleyball team. Everything was going well for you. You could talk to Tsukishima again as friends without feeling your heart getting crushed by jealousy.

 Tsukishima didn't feel well as soon as he found out that you went under the knife.

 He developed a cough that got worse and worse until he spat out a white rose, covered in blood. His eyes widened. What was this? What was happening to him?

 He kept it secret from everyone. He kept it from his brother Akiteru, Yamaguchi, his now ex-girlfriend, and you. He started wheezing, feeling his airways get blocked by roses. Roses that he thought would be soft, gentle but they kept scratching up his throat, pain shot through him as he coughed them out in the sink.

 So this is what it felt like.

 This is what you felt before you followed in with the procedure. This was what you felt when you knew that someone in this world would never love you back. He was glad you got the surgery.

 He was hoping, praying, it wasn't he who caused you this amount of pain, but when you came back, you were a whole different person. You weren't flirty or clingy with him anymore and it hurt him. That's when he felt it. The first cough, followed by the first white petal.

 He caused you this pain. It was his fault. And now it's time for him to suffer, just like you did while trying to hide these petals from him. This was what he gets, He should've been honest and told you how he felt but it was too late now.

 You'll never feel the same way, so why confess? He deserved every single wheeze, every single flower. This is what you went through. He has to go through it too.

 He never recovered.

 This was one of the rare fics that I worked on for 2 days compared to my same-day uploads. I know I said that I won't post this week but eh, I was inspired and bored so why stop? I will still be taking a break this weekend just to get into that headspace and I might extend it up to Tuesday since I have exams. Hope you guys understand! Love yall so much ❤❤❤❤💕

[kationella]

To Be A Sun

This is me ranting about the symbolism of the Sun Arcana characters in Persona. Ok, thanks.

As of Persona 5, our Sun characters have been Tatsuya Suou, Akinari Kamiki, Yumi Ozawa, Ayane Matsunaga, Sho Minazuki and Toranosuke Yoshida. Unlike the Justice characters, the Suns seem to be completely different characters with no similarities. At least, at first glance.

The themes of this rant will be the following:

1. Loyalty

2. Solar Eclipse

3. Center of the Solar System

4. Supernova

5. So...

Loyalty

I will begin with a trait that the Suns have in common: Loyalty; although they don't have the same brand. Whether its loyalty for a certain person or their personal ideals, the Suns will stick by them to the end of times.

Coincidentally, this also means that it will be extremely difficult to change their mind about the object of their loyalty. Stubborness is a side effect of this.

Let's review.

Tatsuya's loyalty lies with his friends, especially Maya and Jun. The latter tried to kill him and Tatsuya forgave him the same day. Not to mention that Tatsuya stubbornly clinged at the memory of his friends even though it meant the possible destruction of Earth.

Though we meet Akinari near the end of his life, we get a glimpse of his loyalty to the protagonist in the way he was always waiting for him each Sunday afternoon and how he strived to say goodbye to the protag even after his death.

Yumi's loyalty is towards her mother, getting angry at her father on her behalf and forsaking her role in the school play to help her.

Ayane is an example of the other type of loyalty; the one dedicated to their ideals and beliefs. Even though she develops it late in her Social Link, she learns to stick by what she wants for herself.

Meanwhile, Sho and Minazuki are devoted to one another. The entire plot of P4AU is them trying to be alone together.

Old Man Tora shows the two types of loyalty. The first one towards his firm ideals and the other one towards the people he means to serve. This is what makes him the only politician I believe in.

A Sun Arcana is one of the best friends you could ever get. The ride or die type of friend. The problem with this is that, in their effort to stick by their object of loyalty, they forget to take care of themselves. It would be extremely dangerous for them to align their loyalty with a toxic person or dangerous belief. More on this later.

The Suns need to find their inner source of happiness so they can properly shine. Something no outside force can take away. And talking about external threats...

Solar Eclipse

The Suns already start with a distinct shine of their own. Something they were born with. However, when we met them there is always one external influence that blocks their sunlight.

And so, we have the Solar Eclipse effect, where a character from the Sun Arcana feels inadequate due to factors outside their control, not realizing they are perfect the way they are.

It's common for a Sun to have a certain individual related to those problems who serves as their blocker.

Whether it's some dimensional game you're a piece of (Nyarlathotep and Philemon), your parents' dispute (Yumi's father), a lost opportunity to show your worth (Original Trombone Player), experiments made on you (Ikutsuki) or a scandal you were wrongly accused of (Kuromoto).

The only one without a certain person would be Akinari, but to be fair it's hard to blame someone else for a genetic terminal illness. Ironically, his last days were spent talking with someone who had a piece of Death inside him. Who knows. Maybe if Akinari had known that Minato was related to Death itself...

Especially if we consider that almost all of the Suns had an amiable relationship with their blocker at one point or another.

Philemon was Tatsuya's guide through his journey.

Yumi felt gratitude towards her father for bringing her to the world.

Ayane did return the trombone solo to the original player.

Ikutsuki was the closest thing Sho had to a father figure.

Kuromoto was Yoshida's old mentor.

Once that blocker moved on with their fate, the Suns started to shine again. And what to do now that the heavens are their own again?

Center of the Solar System

The most basic fact about the Sun (besides the fact that it's hot) it's that it is the center of the Solar System. Every other planet rotates around them. The Sun stays firm, with a shinning light for the rest of the system.

In the same way as that, the Sun Arcana characters have the potential of becoming leaders and the protagonists of their own stories, setting an example for the rest of their acquaintances.

Tatsuya is the most obvious example. He is the main protagonist of his own game. Nothing to say that isn't already known.

Akinari writes a storybook that would become the inspiration of a new generation of children, if Nanako's love for it is anything to go by.

The whole point of theatre is to lead the audience through a story and create emotions in them through a character. Something Yumi excels at.

Ayane's Social Link is about being more selfish and grasping the opportunities presented to her.

Yoshida is the most literal example, being a politician and all.

Sho still has to find that *something* that will end up making him an example to others but he is on the way.

A fully developed Sun will be able to be a charismatic leader, who earns the loyalty of their team through kindness and generosity. Sunlight is meant to help others see the world around them, in the same way Suns will help others see their potential and own inspiration. You just can't take your eyes off them since you literally gravitate towards them.

This is the main point that separates a Sun from a Star. Those with the Star Arcana need to learn they can shine brightly for themselves, while the Suns learn that they can shine for others as well. They all start with low self-esteem, but their pride will keep developing as time goes on.

Suns have a natural talent for initiative. Through their stories we helped them realize their own potential but now its up to them to do the rest.

Supernova

As we all know, fire needs fuel to burn, but what happens when you allow your inner fire to burn you from the inside out and leave nothing behind?

You get the case of King Leo, the Reverse Sun.

So far we have only one Reverse Sun character but we can determine a lot from him. Basically, Reverse Arcanas are the "corrupt" version of their original personalities, so what happens when a Sun becomes corrupted? Well...

See, King Leo or Sudou fits all the criteria that defines a Sun.

He is extremely loyal to both Kashihara and Joker. However, this loyalty only brought him misery when both abandoned him. Sudou poured so much in them that when they disappeared, he had nothing left.

Sudou thought his Solar Eclipse was caused by Tatsuya and Maya, when in reality it came to be thanks to Nyarlathotep and his father. A life of hallucinations and misery caused by these two.

Sudou's position as an executive in the Masked Circle shows his leadership aptitude and potential to become the center of his own system.

Sudou spent so much time eclipsed that, in his desire to shine as bright as he could to break free, he ended up burning everything in his path. He literally exploded in a fiery rage and collapsed.

At that point it became mercy for Tatsuya to kill him.

His is a sad case, especially when comparing him to the other Suns and realizing his lost potential.

A similar case outside of Persona where the "Inner Fire Burns All" applies would be Azula from Avatar. Now that I think about it, she would make a good Reverse Sun Arcana... hmm.

So...

The Sun Arcana is such an interesting card. By all accounts, it symbolizes happiness and joy. A common mistake is to think these are given. No, a true Sun Arcana *fights* to achieve that happy ending. Once they reach it, their victory will be the sweetest of all.

Celestial Arcanas in general have the tendency to be a guiding light to everyone else (although some of them do it unintentionally).

There is also the matter of the writing parallels between the Suns and their Moon counterparts, but that is a theme for another time.

And now you'll ask me: "Kationella, what was the point of this analysis?"

Well, it all comes down to one question that has been plaguing me for days:

Would it be ironic for Suns to wear sunglasses?

[talesofsonicasura]

Fallen Royalty

*warning: contains vivid curses and slight gore*

Trust is a very fragile thing. It can easily be shattered by misdirection, lies but the most devastating were secrets. And something very important is kept from someone by those they consider family, it can make a soul fall unto a very different path.

The Snatcher, a legendary and powerful spirit who ruled the Fallen Kingdom known as Subcon. He used to be a human prince married to a princess of a different kingdom named Vanessa. Before the prince and Vanessa lived happily ruling their kingdom but this wasn't a happy story. A misunderstanding had brought out a dark side within the princess. Her love unknown to the prince was actually toxic.

Anything that stood in her way of the prince had met brutal ends. Not even the young man himself wasn't safe. He purchased flowers for his sweetheart only to be accused of cheating by the insane princess now Queen. She locked the prince in the dungeon and unleashed dark magic all over Subcon freezing the land solid. The residents were cursed to live as spirits and the dark magic gave birth to the Snatcher from what was left of Subcon's prince.

Snatcher reigned over his fallen domain that became consumed by the forest around it. His magic kept Vanessa's frost contained in her castle and locked the witch away. Through his magic, the cursed citizens were given new bodies in the form of wooden puppets Snatcher crafted. Subcon Forest was created and its denizens lived in peaceful solitude. Then came the Demon King Satan.

Subcon brewed with so much magic that powerful demons sought it out. Demons dwelled in Gehenna and could only reach Assiah, the realm of man, through possessing an item there. However Subcon Forest's powerful magic could grant demons easy access to Assiah by harvesting its mystical energy. Something Satan wanted and wished to discuss with Snatcher himself. The discussion didn't turn out good for Satan.

The powerful specter had immediately been ready to refuse the Demon King access to Subcon's magic. Even though Snatcher hated outsiders, he understood the balance between their worlds and saw Satan as a threat! Being devious, Snatcher had the Demon King signed a contract. Before realizing what it read, Satan had already signed the paper. The demon began screaming in pain unaware of his own folly.

Snatcher could create powerful magical contracts that become true once signed. He had tricked Satan into hurting himself and his schemes greatly. The first was Satan could never possess any nonhuman for his power will burn it to ashes and humans will die from his possession. Second was the Demon Lord couldn't touch or set foot in Subcon for eternity and neither could his servants. And finally, a chunk of Satan's power became Snatcher's own along with a particular possession the Demon King would acquire in the future.

Satan cursed Snatcher before being banished back to Gehenna while the King of Subcon laughed. Though the spirit knew it wouldn't be the last time he'll see the demon or his schemes. The ghost didn't know what this key possession the Demon King would seek but he had enough time to prepare so he could eliminate it. However, he didn't suspect this.

A small boy ran through the busy crowd of Kyoto, Japan. He had dark blue hair and the brightest blue eyes leaking tears down his cheeks staining his white shirt and black shorts. His name was Rin Okumura and today wasn't a good day. The boy knew he was always different from everyone else. He was much stronger than what a 7 year old should be also he was more aggressive and easy to lash out at those who anger him.

People from kids to adults would look at him like a monster and call him a demon. He thought he could trust his foster father Shiro Fujimoto and his twin brother Yukio but clearly it was a lie. Rin had come back home a bit earlier than he usually did to see his Father and brother talking. What he heard broke his heart. Demons were real, Fujimoto and Yukio were exorcists that killed demons and Rin…was the bastard son of the Demon King Satan.

Rin had Satan's flames and they were sealed in a sword along with half of his soul, his demon half. Yukio being trained to kill demons by Shiro himself. His mother killed by exorcists the day they were born. A whole basket of lies and secrets hidden under his nose. It didn't take long for Rin to slip out of the monastery that served as home his whole life and run away. The boy didn't care where he was going but he had to get away.

Tears blinded his sight and sorrow messing with his rationality, Rin ran into the woods specifically a section banned from the public. A part of the forest where people disappeared and never came back, the Snatching Woods. After a few minutes of nonstop running, Rin sat on the ground and cried. He didn't notice how the forest around him had transformed into something otherworldly.

Glowing mushrooms of yellow, pink and red shining in a garden around him, a large picket fence with spikes lit in flame, a large marsh like pool surrounded by pumpkins, wisps of blue, green and orange floated about and finally the large tower shaped mushroom house that the boy currently sat on the front doorstep. Something large and dark purple began to slither through the home, no doubt searching for the crying source.

The dark purple thing was a large ghost. He had a noodle like body with thin arms each carrying two large claws, a mane of fluffy fur around his head, bright yellow childish looking eyes and a jack o' lantern smile with two small fangs. The towering ghost looked at the small crying child in utter confusion. "Hey kiddo? How the peck did you get all the way here?" The ghost questioned with his raspy and light static echoing voice.

Rin looked up from crying to see the ghost hovering above his head. "I don't know and I don't care! Rather die lost in a forest than live a lie." Rin cried. That clearly got the ghost's unwanted attention. "Why the peck do you want to die because of a lie? What kind of lie would get a kid this depressed?" The ghost asked as Rin looked back at the spirit. He definitely had to know the kid's story.

"I lived in a monastery with my twin brother since I could remember. I never knew that Father Fujimoto and my brother were keeping secrets from me. I walked in to hear their conversation about me. Demons are real and evil. Father Fujimoto teaching my brother to be an exorcist and...I'm the bastard son of Satan! My mother was killed because of it and I learned half of my soul was stripped out then sealed away." Silence carried through the woods once Rin spoke that last sentence.

The ghost figured Satan would find a new way into Assiah but...this was going too far even for him. And he was Snatcher, a spirit that ate unlucky souls and toss their husks away like a banana peel! However, he would never use his own child, even though he didn't have one, for a sick game like this. A particular girl and a purple hat flashed through his mind. He was going to regret this but he didn't care. No way in hell was this kid going to suffer from his bastard old man.

"Then to hell with them!" Snatcher exclaimed grabbing the boy's attention. "Kid, I ain't a good person but even I know common sense. Just because you are the son of an idiotic peckneck demon doesn't make you him! The fact that your own foster father not only kept important information like this from you but now your brother is wrapped around his finger. Not all demons are evil. Some of us are mischievous or just want to be left alone." The ghost began.

"You have the right to know your origin and your own mother. Plus, that peckneck doesn't know the damage he has done sealing half your soul away! Your power even though suppressed is unstable without your demon half. It messes with your mind making you aggressive as it fights to the surface. You are a walking infernal bomb capable of wiping out half the continent and yourself by reaching a major mental meltdown! You are a person, a child for pecking sake! YOU ARE NOT SATAN!!!" Snatcher exclaimed voice roaring with irritation at the cause of the boy's misery.

Rin stood shellshocked at what he witnessed. Other than Father Fujimoto and his brother, no one ever helped or cared about him. To see a ghost he just met get so angry at his mistreatment made the pain in his heart fade. "Thank you." Rin said as Snatcher looked at the boy. "Boy, what's your name?" Snatcher asked as Rin wiped his tears. "Rin Okumura." The boy replied. "Rin Okumura? You can call me Snatcher, boy. How would you like to stay with me in Subcon Forest?" Snatcher asked as Rin had a look of surprise.

"You aren't safe staying with an exorcist who sees you only as the Son of Satan and potential threat but also filling your brother's head with half baked truths. That kind of person can turn your own sibling into your potential murderer even as an unwanted consequence. I can teach you how to forge your own path and control the power within you. You see, I met your blood father and suckered him into giving up part of his power and any potential of escaping Gehenna." Snatcher explained conjuring a ball of blue flame in his hand.

"Pretty." Rin said looking at the glowing blue flame. "This pretty flame can also be used to craft some powerful spells as well. Along with fixing your unstable power, I'll be teaching you magic and the ways of Subcon. This place will be your safe haven and no secrets will be kept from you here. A clone crafted from my magic will take your place so no one will suspect a thing. What do you say kiddo? Want to live with me in Subcon Forest?" Snatcher asked offering the boy his hand.

Rin looked at the hand and remembered all the years living with Father Fujimoto and his twin brother. What glittered gold slowly rotted away to faded gold paint old wood. The boy reached his hand towards Snatcher's and took it. The deal was struck as blue light surged throughout Subcon forest. Many unaware of the single act that sent ripples throughout the world and it's future. 9 years later…

A 16 year old Rin Okumura was being attacked in the home of True Cross Monastery. A powerful demon hunting him had attacked the boy out in public forcing to realize he wasn't normal or human. Father Fujimoto had taken him back to the momastery fending off hordes of undead demons coming after them. However, one demon possessing a teenager had crashed a truck into the monastery giving it and other demons easy access to the sanctuary.

Rotten dogs, growing demonic fungi and any other unholy creature bridled with maggots, rot and decayed flesh were creeping towards the young man, head priest and his follow exorcists. Father Fujimoto faced Rin who wielded a blue scabbard sword in hand. Running a hand through his short gray hair and dark eyes was prepared to shove Rin into the hidden basement for safety only for the boy to push him down.

"Rin! What's the meaning of this?! You have to run!" The man shouted only to be confused when the boy began chuckling. "Why should I listen to the words of a liar? I'll handle these pecknecks myself." Rin spoke earning confusion from Fujimoto and the monastery men. "Pecknecks? What kind of insult is that?!" The possessed boy laughed only to jump back as a burst of blue flames erupted from under him.

"If I knew you guys were going to attack me earlier than I would have put on my best clothes already! Oh well! A quick costume change won't hurt. Ain Soph Aur!" Rin said before snapping his fingers. He ignited into blue flames to the group's horror and absolute confusion before it died down. The young man was completely changed from head to toe. His suit was replaced with a dark violet long coat with azure flame, a dark blue tunic bearing a peculiar symbol that looked like a spirit surrounding a burning tree, black tights often seem worn by royalty, fancy black Italian shoes, white gloves and a violet top hat with a yellow ribbon.

His ears were pointed as he had small vampirish like fangs and hints of yellow in his blue eyes. He was also much taller having 5 inches more than Fujimoto's 6'5 height. In his hand was a long dark blue umbrella with dark violet flame like flares on the fabric and a yellow handle. The air Rin now carried was of royal but very ominous and eerie compared to his cheerful street punk one. "Rin?" Fujimoto questioned.

He was caught off guard by Rin's sudden change but the boy merely ignored. "I'm giving you demons a chance to leave with your souls intact. I can't guarantee you'll even survive the trip to Gehenna if I slay you instead of the exorcists." Rin said with a wicked glint in his eyes despite his jovial smile. "You think we are afraid of your clothes change and a dumb umbrella? Sorry brat but you're going back to Gehenna to your father Satan!" The possessed boy laughed only to suddenly flinch.

The air was flooding with instant killing intent that leaked from Rin as he looked at the demons with a disturbing malice filled smile. "I gave you a chance but you spat on it. Prepare to die because your contract has just expired!" The young man laughed as his voice sounded distorted saying the last few words. Rin suddenly vanished from sight only for a group of demonic fungus to explode in blue flames!

Rin burst out from the burning blue mass almost as if he teleported from underneath them. He faced his umbrella at the demons he hovered above as blue flame spheres manifested at the tip before firing them like a gun. Multiple ghoulish corpses and vile living fungus ignited which crashing sphere burning in pure anguish. The horrifying part to the child possessing demon was the flames were actually destroying the demons instead of sending them back to Gehenna!

Demons possessing objects or people couldn't die in Assiah since their real bodies existed in Gehenna but Rin's fire was burning both through their souls! The chilling part was Rin was singing with the carnage. "Run along this forest trail. Now you'll find you'll failed. Never gonna reach that goal, now give me your soul! Some advice, don't think twice! Should have known I wasn't nice! Off with your head! Tata, your dead!" The boy sang as he continued his carnage. However the next few lines was when the demon truly realized that initiated a fight with someone that Satan himself couldn't win against.

"Got no more use for you! When you sign that dotted line you should've thought it through! Your subconscious holding on clinging to your fear. Every haunt just moved along but now the SNATCHER'S HERE!!!" The demon's face along with Fujimoto's grew dramatically pale. "You?!! You know the Snatcher?!" The demon questioned shivering in terror within his host's body. Rin merely laughed at the demon's frightened words.

"Know him? More than just that little peckneck! He's my true father! Not your dumbass king or this lying priest bastard that kept so many secrets from me! He treated me like his own son and taught me all I know. He was honest with me and actually gave a crap about me for being myself, Rin Okumura, not Satan's bastard son!" Rin roared as Fujimoto looked a bit hurt. "And don't think Satan will pop up here either. My father's magic will immediately expel him upon possession. It was listed in the contract the Demon King was tricked into signing." That had gotten the demon to literally piss itself in its host body.

"Enough talk! Time for the finish!" The young man shouted as he began waving his umbrella and danced as if he was on Broadway. "And the weird and the wild should have left you all beguiled. That is that, you little bastard child. Rid my jobs that took time and bask! Now it's time to take you to task!" A ring of blue flames surrounded the remaining demons preventing any chance of escape.

"As the ink is slowly drying, it's time you get dying! Your contract has expired, sleep now in the fire! You gonna meet your match! Your soul belongs to Snatcher! Now let's sing higher!" The flaming ring grew smaller as the flames burned brighter and more intense. It was so bright that Rin's face was shadowed revealing a terrifying jack o' lantern eyes and mouth smiling at the torture.

"AND THE WEIRD AND THE WILD SHOULD'VE LEFT YOU ALL BEGUILED. THAT IS THAT, YOU LITTLE BASTARD CHILD. RIP MY JOBS THAT TOOK TIME AND BASK! NOW IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOU TO TASK. THE INK IS SLOWLY DRYING AND IT'S TIME THAT YOU GET DYING! YOUR CONTRACT HAS EXPIRED! SLEEP NOW IN THE FIRE! YOU HAVE MET YOUR MATCH! FOR YOUR SOUL BELONGS TO SNATCHER! BURN TO ASH IN MY MELODIC BONFIRE!!" With those last lines, the ring of fire exploded into a large burning blaze.

Every demon and their host burned away until their screams became silent and bodies turn to ash. The young man snapped his fingers as the blazing blue flames extinguish themselves before Rin glared down at Father Fujimoto. "Rin…" Fujimoto spoke only for Rin to interrupt him. "Don't say a word. I learned about the truth coming home 9 years ago. I watched you through a clone crafted by my father's magic and gave you multiple chances to tell the truth." The boy started.

"Did you know that sealing my soul's demon half made my power so unstable that I was a walking timebomb? Not only did you kept secrets and lie to me but you put everyone in danger. You didn't see as a child or son but a potential threat because of my damned sperm donor. If you did, you would have told me and trained me to be an exorcist than just Yukio. I wanted to die that day but Snatcher saved me from potentially killing myself." Fujimoto flinched and looked truly hurt once realizing what he had done.

"I won't kill you or get revenge for keeping secrets because you spared my life instead of killing me or my brother on the spot when we were babies. However, you, Yukio and everyone in this room are no longer my family. A true family would see me for me, not some bastard son of Satan or a potential threat. And if you go after me, I won't protect you from the full might of the Subcon Kingdom! You have been warned." Rin explained as he took the sword that contained his power before stuffing it in his hat like a magician.

"Rin! Please don't go! I'm sorry! It was for your own good!" Fujimoto cried out but Rin merely ignored him. "Goodbye Shiro Fujimoto." And with those last words, Rin Okumura disappeared in a flash of blue fire. Shiro Fujimoto fell to the floor and weeped. Secrets were a dangerous thing and he didn't listen to his friend's warning. The price he paid was his own son's trust now in the hands of the infamous Snatcher. Yukio came home to his weeping father and the approaching pike of mistrust that crucified his father's heart. It wasn't anyone's day at the True Cross Monastery.

And that's it! This was written last year so if the writing style looks different then that's why. Blue Exorcist was one of the first Mature mangas I ever bought, I got Volumes One to Three.

And honestly, I feel really bad for Rin. His brother tried to kill him, his foster father kept TONS of secrets, his friends immediately turned on him for his heritage despite him saving their asses and trying to regain their trust, or just being marked as a target for existing. I mean WTF?!

Poor boy needs better friends and a hug because I don't think Kuro or Ukobach(from the anime) could help for so long. This was also one of my early attempts into writing Snatcher before I got the game myself.

I did watch someone play it quite a few times but limited my experiences to the first three end chapter bosses and Snatcher's area being Subcon Forest. This was something I usually do before deciding to buy a game.

Snatcher honestly felt perfect for this especially taking the dad role. When you take his experiences in the ghost's past life to now, betrayal and mistrust are two big factors.

Even if Snatcher is an antagonist character, he does have some morals and personality than just the common soul eating specter with a grudge. This also takes place after the events in a Hat In Time.

And yes. Rin was singing 'Your Contract Has Expired' cover by Man On The Internet although the last bit was abridged on purpose. If this Rin had a theme, it would be the Phase Two Version theme of Your Contract Has Expired.

Anyways, until next time folks! Smell ya later.

This is an Phase Two Version of Man on the Internet's Your Contract Has Expired, done by Ben Newsome. Please read the description because they cited this song belongs to their original owner and not stole it. Poor guy doesn't need anymore accusations involving copyright.

[askultimateluckytrash]

    They pulled him out of the Neo World Program abruptly.

    For a second, smashed back into his own body against his will, dazed and confused, he staggered and swayed and had no idea where he was or who he was. For a blissful moment, he was nameless with no past and no present. But the illusion was shattered soon enough.

     They berated him, but he didn't even hear it. Their words pummeled against his ears, swollen and distorted like he was underwater. He didn't remember what they said. Why did he care? He felt so horrible already. Surely these people who he didn't like and didn't know couldn't possibly make him feel any worse.

     They took him to a hospital bed and made a full examination. For the most part, aside from the big bump on his head, he was unharmed. A full recovery. No adverse side-effects, mentally or physically. What bad luck.

     They made him wait in the hospital for a while. Then they pulled him from the room and made him wait in a lobby. Then they took him to a therapist, who asked him a bunch of questions, and he gave the best answers he could, dazed as he still was. They took him to a different lobby. He awaited punishment.

     Part of him hoped that they would simply put him back in the Neo World Program, though he knew that wasn't likely. What else could they do? Would he have to stay here for another 6 months of therapy, like before? He wouldn't mind that too much. The island was beautiful, and therapy at least gave him something to do every day, if nothing else. Or would he go to prison this time? Was his clemency finally at its limit? Prison wouldn't be so bad either. He would get chores to do every day, and be distracted with a strict schedule.

     Either way, he would still be gone. That was what he wanted. That was what they didn't understand. He wanted to be gone. Anything they did to him, so long as they didn't send him back home, would still feed into his goals.

     He wanted to be gone. He wanted to be completely severed from his life and his identity, his friends, his past, his disappointing future, his expectations, his responsibilities, his crimes, his guilt, all the people he was hurting, all the things they expected of him, his name and personality, his memories...everything about his life. He wanted it gone.

     The easiest way to do that, of course, was dying. But he couldn't do that. He had made so many promises to so many people-- which was something else that he wanted to escape. Why was there so much pressure on him to live?

      But he hated his life, and all he wanted was to end it. If he couldn't die, he could still end his own life, right? If he severed himself from it completely. Gave up everything, broke it all off, and ran away from everything that made up 'his life'. At least he wouldn't have to deal with the pain of living it anymore, even if he couldn't completely erase it from his mind.

      If they sent him to prison, he wouldn't have to be 'Nagito Komaeda' anymore. He would just be another faceless criminal, with his sole life being harmless jail chores and a rigid schedule. Nothing about Despair, or the Neo World Program, or the 77th class, or Hajime Hinata. And if he stayed here, well...this place might still be connected to his old life, but at least he wouldn't have to see his classmates here, or see Hajime, or be forced to think about his miserable future and be forced to do work to take the steps to make it there. As if a future that tortuous could possibly be worth even sticking around to see, let alone doing so much work for. It was so tiring, and all for what? For more torture. More pain. At least if he didn't go home, he didn't have to face the future.

       He waited. The more he thought about his punishments, the more his head cleared a bit. Either of those was a good option. Already, he was planning how to make himself at home in prison or here. Planning what to do afterwards. Move someplace else, buy a small house, and live out the rest of his days in bored, lonely obscurity? With no one knowing who he was or where their annoying, hated classmate Nagito Komaeda had gone. The idea of the misery gave him pleasure. This will be your punishment, so you can stop feeling so guilty. You'll be truly miserable, but at least this time, you won't get your hopes up just to have them shattered. At least this time, you won't have to see all the faces of all the people you hurt, and love them knowing that they hate you.

      Or maybe they would give him the death penalty, and he could die without knowing that he was letting everybody down.

      When they delivered the final verdict to him, he nearly fainted.

      "What?" He mumbled, his voice numb with disbelief.

      They repeated their instructions, but he still couldn't register it.

      "What do you mean?" He shook his head, getting to his feet a little unsteadily.

       "We'll send someone to the hotel to pack your things for you, and then meet us at the airport for your flight home." The employee explained, glancing at a clipboard he was holding.

     Nagito blinked again. "Home?" He stalled a little and his voice cracked. "You're just...sending me home?"

     Maybe he didn't sound as thrilled as he should have. The two employees exchanged confused glances. "Yes. It will be good for you."

     "No." He disagreed calmly, shaking his head. "I don't want to go back."

     "You have to." They insisted. "The Future Foundation thinks this will be the safest--"

     "I don't want to go home." He said firmly, shaking his head again. "Don't make me go back home. Send me somewhere else. I'll pay for it." He clasped his hands together, crushing his palm between his fingers. The idea of going back home was suffocating.

    "This is where the Future Foundation wants you." The employee matched his tone. "That's where you have to go."

    He grimaced a little. The idea of going back there-- it made his stomach turn. That place is a prison. Don't make me go back there. He could feel his hands starting to shake, so he squished them harder. "I don't...want to." That was the only argument he could give them. How could they possibly understand in any form of words what it felt like to be at home? But he knew that wouldn't be enough. They wouldn't listen to him. They would pack him up and ship him back anyway...He'd rather have gone to prison. Would it have been much different?

    The employee shook his head, making it clear that Nagito wasn't going to get his way. "We're sending someone to pack up your things right now. We'll meet them at the airport." He put a hand on Nagito's arm and began to pull him forward.

     Nagito wanted to resist. He started to pull away feebly, out of instinct, and let off a nearly - silent whimper, but he knew there was no getting out of it. He had no right to get out of it. Didn't he have to face the consequences of his horrible actions just like everyone else? He stumbled forward numbly, slipping into a daze again as the employee tugged him along.

     The thought of going home was suffocating. Going back to that place, that house, with all those wonderful memories that were past and gone. Seeing the rooms where he used to be so happy with his family and knowing he would never have that again. He would never have a family, or be safe, or be loved. And seeing Hajime again was equally crushing. He'd be angry and disappointed and hurt, and he'd take it all out on Nagito with his withering looks, his telling silences, a few well-placed comments here and there. Nagito would have to look at the face of the person who used to be his best friend and his hope and know that what he dreamed of was never coming true. Just like with his house. Remember all the good times with Hajime, when it seemed like it could be possible for them to be friends. Remember when they used to talk. When maybe, possibly, Hajime might've loved him. Remember all the dreams he had of then being together, and how happy he would be, only to find out that it wasn't true. His dreams were...stupid and ridiculous. Hajime would never love him. And even if they were together, Nagito still wouldn't be happy. Hajime was never around. He never talked to him. He never spent time with him. There was no relationship there at all anymore.

    Home really was a prison. He was stuck there all day, every day. With no friends to distract him or take him out. No boyfriend present at all. Alone only with the thoughts of all the things he missed and all the things he dreamed of that he would never get. Knowing that nothing would ever get better and that he had nothing left in his future but suffering. It was...helpless, suffocating, stifling, claustrophobic. Like being stuck in a straight-jacket. Constantly alone, with no one to talk to and no way out. Going home was the worst punishment he could ever get.

     He froze in his spot, so abruptly that the employee jerked and glared back at him.

     That was the point. Of course! How had he not realized it sooner? Ahaha! How stupid and blind he had been! Of course this was the worst punishment. Of course that was the one he would get. Obviously. This was punishment. That was the point. This was the punishment he deserved. He deserved the worst possible punishment in the world for what he'd done. He deserved to have everything he wanted dangled in his face, held just out of his reach forever. And if he ever got closer, his hopes would get further away. What a cruel, fitting punishment! What a deserved torture for someone as worthless as him! He should know better than to dare to hope. Hope was for people better than him.

     He cracked a smile and let off a tiny laugh. All at once it hit him how ridiculous he was being. It wasn't his lot to complain about his life. He had no right. What happened to the version of him from the killing game? The one who could take any punishment, any misery, any despair and still smile. Still keep going, perfectly happy, content in his deserved suffering. Why was he being such a baby now?

     Had he spent too much time around Hajime, and allowed his resolve to weaken? That must be it. He had grown too used to being happy. He had been basking in hope so much that he couldn't handle despair anymore. But that wasn't him. His lot in life was despair, forever, until the day he died.

        And he shouldn't be complaining about that! This was a good thing. He was getting the punishment that he deserved. Hope was prevailing. Good was prevailing. He should rejoice in knowing that, in seeing that fact played out every day before his eyes. Every bit of suffering he went through just meant that hope was still winning. Every time he suffered, it should renew his faith in hope. A worthless piece of garbage like him was being punished. And he could take pride in his punishment and resolve. Take pride in going through all this despair for the sake of hope. Because didn't that prove his devotion? And his strength, what little of it he had? And if he got punished for all his horrible crimes, wasn't that a relief? Didn't that ease the guilt? He might have done bad things, but at least he was suffering for them. This punishment was a blessing!

     He should revel in every bit of misery he got. Be proud of every horrible feeling and every instance of bad luck. It was time to be strong again. To stop complaining. To stop being so spoiled. It was time to stop expecting more than he deserved. To go back to being happy and content with his despair. His worthlessness. His misery. And he would go to the airport quietly, and they would see if Hajime would be late to pick him up, or if he would even bother to show up at all.

     Time to smile at despair in the name of hope.