#I don't want to drive the eight hours total. I'm SORRY.

[yxngbxkkie]

lake house vacation (h.j)

so i listen to rain sounds to help me sleep, and i found one (that's pictured on the right) and i thought of this idea with hanji 🥹

feedback is greatly appreciated 🥰

You're quite nervous, but Jisung is also pretty nervous as well. It's the first time you're attending a vacation with all eight members. The two of you have only been dating for a month, and you just met the rest of the boys about three weeks ago.

"Do you want anything?" Jisung asks you through the open car window.

One of his hands rests on yours as you think for a couple of seconds. "I'll just have water," you tell him softly.

Jisung nods his head before bringing his hand to your cheek, pinching it lightly. "Okay. I'll be right back," he mentions with a smile.

"Okay," you whisper, watching him walk into the convenience store with Felix.

Your heartbeat quickens in your chest as you're left alone with Minho and Jeongin. You glance back and forth between the two before picking up your phone.

"We're not making you uncomfortable, are we?" Minho asks you, causing your head to snap up.

Your gaze meets his through the rear view mirror, and you provide a shy smile. "N-No! You're not," you reassure him and look towards Jeongin. "I just have social anxiety."

Minho chuckles softly and nods his head. "I thought Hannie mentioned that. You don't need to be nervous, alright? We're all pretty nice," he cheers you up, calming your nerves slightly.

Jeongin nods his head in agreement. You release a deep breath, and you begin to feel a bit better. "That's great to know. Hanji has told me a lot about you guys," you tell the two members, tapping your fingers against your phone. "I also want to thank you for allowing me to come."

"It's no problem, Y/N. We're happy that you're coming. The kids are excited to get to know you," Minho tells you, turning his head to look at you.

The door beside you opens up, startling you. Jisung ducks his head down and apologizes for scaring you. You scoot over to the middle seat before he slides into the seat you were once in.

"Here's your drink, jagiya," your boyfriend hands you the bottle of water.

"Thank you, Hanji," you whisper before kissing his cheek.

Felix climbs into the passenger seat, shutting the door afterward. "You guys are disgustingly cute," he teases the both of you after buckling his seatbelt.

Yours and Jisung's cheeks blush at Felix's words. The three members giggle before you hear Jeongin mumble how cute you two are. Jisung's hand finds yours as soon as Minho starts driving again, his fingers intertwining with yours.

You tilt your head to look at him, smiling softly as he looks out the window. You lean your head against his shoulder, casting your gaze down to your conjoined hands.

The drive to the lake house takes almost two hours, and when you arrive at the place, the sun begins to set. You stretch your arms out as soon as you get out of the vehicle. Jisung smiles at you before poking at your tummy.

"Stop," you laugh, covering your stomach with both arms.

He giggles as well, and the two of you walk back to the trunk. Minho opens it and hands you both your bags. You thank him with a smile, and Jisung grabs your hand, tugging you towards the house.

"I do have one question," Jisung mumbles as you walk up the porch steps. You hum in response, allowing him to continue. "How do you feel about sleeping in the same bed?"

You halt your steps after almost tripping on the last step. "W-What?" You stutter, feeling your cheeks blush. "We have to share the same bed?"

He sighs, closing his eyes for a few seconds. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I can totally sleep on the couch if it makes you more comfortable," Jisung mentions while gently rubbing your forearm.

Minho and Hyunjin walk past the two of you, and you move out of their way. "No, i-it's okay, Hanji," you tell him, not wanting him to sleep anywhere uncomfortable. "We can sleep together."

He looks at you, and it makes your heart flutter. You smile at the blush on his cheeks, raising a hand to stroke it. "Have I ever mentioned that I like you so much?" Jisung breathes out, leaning into your touch.

"You've mentioned it once or twice," you giggle, biting your lip softly.

Jisung leans forward to capture your lips in a sweet kiss. "Let me remind you," he whispers after breaking apart. "I like you so, so much."

He kisses you again until someone clears their throat. You pull away from Jisung to look over your shoulder. Chan wiggles his fingers at both of you, a chuckle leaving his lips afterward.

"Come on," you mention, adjusting the strap of your bag. "We can make out later."

-

It's been a few hours since you arrived at the lake house. Some of the members decided it was time for a drink, an alcoholic drink. You sit on one of the couches, watching the boys interact with one another.

"They're a bit chaotic today," Jisung whispers into your ear.

You laugh and nod your head. "They are, but it's okay. They're excited to relax," you say with a smile, turning your head to look at him.

He provides a small smile, and you notice the anxious look in his eyes. The smile on your lips drops, straightening your back. "I'm okay," Jisung reassures you, resting a hand on your forearm.

"Are you sure?" You ask him, clearly worried.

"Yeah, jagiya," he whispers, tracing his finger along your arm. His movements halt after thirty seconds, and you watch Jisung stand up. Your eyes follow him as he stands in front of you. "I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay," you whisper loud enough for him to hear, squeezing his hand before he's able to walk away. "If you need me. Come find me."

After he kisses the back of your hand, he walks up the stairs. Your gaze returns to the other members, seeing Hyunjin's eyes on you. You give the man a tight-lipped smile before waving.

He moves from his spot, making his way over to where you are. "Is everything okay?" He asks you, glancing towards where Jisung went.

"Yeah, yeah," you tell him, nodding your head. You also glance back towards the stairs. "He's just feeling a little anxious."

"Ah," Hyunjin mumbles, sitting down beside you. "Have you witnessed his anxiety attacks?"

You nod your head in response to his question, clasping your fingers together. "I-It's actually how we first met," you inform him.

"Really? Oh, wow," the taller brunette hums, leaning back on the couch. "I'm surprised he let you help him through it."

A chuckle escapes you, and you glance towards Hyunjin. "As someone who also has pretty bad anxiety, I can be pretty stubborn when it comes to it."

Hyunjin grins and stands back up. "Hey, why don't you come get a drink? Come mingle with the rest until he comes back," he tries to convince you, holding his hand out to you.

"Sure," you reluctantly agreed, grabbing his hand.

He drops it as soon as you stand on your feet, leading you into the kitchen area. Hyunjin opens the fridge before turning to face you.

"Feel free to choose whatever you like!"

You look through the various cans of alcohol, picking one that sounds the best. You thank Hyunjin again before opening it. You take a quick sip, humming in delight at the taste.

"That's good," you mumble, looking at the can again.

You mingle with the rest of the members, laughing at some stories they're telling you. You check your phone after a while, noticing it's been an hour since you've seen your boyfriend.

The smile on your lips drops again before quietly excusing yourself. You set your drink down on the counter and walk towards the stairs. Just as you're about to ascend them, you notice a figure sitting out on the back porch.

You step off of the stairs and make your way towards the back door. Jisung's gaze meets yours as you step outside. "Hi, baby," you greet him with a smile.

He smiles at you before patting the seat next to him. You move to sit next to him, and Jisung rests a hand on your leg. The warmth of the fire tickles your skin as the two of you look out at the lake.

"How are you feeling?" You ask him, gliding your fingers along the back of his hand. "How long have you been out here?"

Jisung checks his phone, noting the time. "Like, ten minutes ago," he informs you. "You looked like you were having a good time. I'm really glad the boys like you."

"I'm really glad they like me too," you smile, glancing towards him. "But, like I told you, if you needed me. You could've come get me."

"I know," he squeezes your leg gently. "I appreciate you so much."

You turn your body a bit so you're facing him. His gaze stays on the lake as you bring a hand to his hair. You comb your fingers through his hair while leaning forward to kiss his cheek.

"I appreciate you too, Hanji," you mention.

He turns his head to look at you, the smile on his lips widening. His eyes drop to your lips, and his cheeks start to blush. "Can I be extremely honest with you?" Jisung asks, his eyes flicking up to look into yours.

"Of course," you whisper, feeling your stomach twist.

Your boyfriend takes a deep breath while bringing his hand to your face. "I fall more in love with you every day," he whispers to you, his thumb stroking your cheekbone.

Your breath hitches in your throat, and your eyes widen. "You do?" You ask quietly.

Jisung nods his head before leaning in to kiss you. Your heart beats wildly in your chest as you kiss him back, your hand moving to the back of his neck. You can hear the whistles from his members, causing both of you to pull away.

He looks through the window, seeing smirks on all his members' faces. Your cheeks blush at the attention, turning your head to look out at the lake.

"They like to tease," Jisung whispers, leaning in closer to you. "I'm sorry."

You chuckle and shake your head. "It's okay," you reassure him, feeling his lips ghost along your cheek. "I'm also falling deeper in love with you."

The brunette pulls back and he smiles fondly at you. "I'm glad you're here with me," he sighs, placing a kiss on your forehead.

"Me too."

~

tagging: @strawboorybunny @reddesert-healourblues @spacegirlstuff @moon0fthenight @foxinnie8 @like-a-diamondinthesky @prettymiye0n

[iisasarcasticlittleshite]

Hi, this is my first time requesting anything on this site holy fuck.

could you write a Sukuna x M!Reader? it's a struggle finding any lol. I don't really have anything specific in mind but it would be cool to read a fic where he's not to OOC and lowkey treats the reader like shit, but it's completely up to you hehe

I am so sorry this took so long! I re-wrote this like ten times before finally deciding to just keep it simple and spicy!

Be warned: This is Sukuna people, it toes a line, it gets suggestive, no actual smut though. Proceed at your own risk.

You groaned, reluctant to be awake at this hour, much less to the sound of someone sneaking into your room. Again.

'Dude, it's like 8:30, what're you doing in bed?'

You cracked one eye open, scowling at the pink haired vessel stood over your bed. He had no idea what the hellspawn he hosts does to you after dark.

Yuuji has total control of his body, most of the time, except, as you've learned, if he sleeps too deeply. Sukuna can occasionally slip through, and though he can't go running wild and waking up Yuuji, he can, and will make his way to your room, and keep you awake until all hours.

You won't be telling Yuuji about this because the poor guy would trip over his own guilt, so this leaves you here, sleep deprived at eight in the fucking morning.

'Sleeping, what's it look like?'

'If you don't get up Gojo-sensei's gonna come poor water on you again.'

You whined, driving your head into the pillow before reluctantly throwing the covers off yourself. 'Fine fine, stave off the blindfold demon.'

Yuuji chuckled, throwing your uniform at you, followed by an apple. 'Just hurry up, you promised Maki you'd spar with her today.'

'Oh fuck!'

Eyes wide, you dressed in a panic, hoping the adrenaline would help wake you up. Sparring with Maki is not something to be half asleep for. Never mind that you only had ten minutes to meet her.

Yuuji rolled his eyes, throwing an apple at you next, oblivious to the fact that he's the reason you've been struggling to be a functional human being.

He's also the only reason you manage to get to any one class these days, so as far as you're concerned, he evens out his evil twin pretty well.

'You were impressive this morning.'

A sigh left your lips, spitting into the basin as you hurriedly finished brushing your teeth. 'Evening to you too, your majesty.'

'Attitude, brat.' Sukuna purred, his claws brushing across your bare back, watching the shivers shoot down you spine and the gooseflesh ride in his wake. 'Why you bother covering up during the day is beyond me.'

'I'm well aware of your opinions on shirts, Sukuna.'

Slowly, you turned to face him, wary of any sudden moves the curse may interpret as an attack. He's half naked, as usual.

His upper lip curled in a sneer, sharp teeth almost reflecting the moonlight pouring in through your window. 'Ridiculous things, how you fight in them is beyond me.'

'Is that true? Or you just wanna show off?'

Over the weeks that Sukuna's been paying you these night-time visits, you've grown desensitised to the danger you're actually in. You know you'd be dead if he wanted you dead, so why not have a little fun with it?

The curse's grin could have swallowed you whole, his hand suddenly clasped around your throat, forcing you to his eye level with his other hand digging into the flesh of your back, leaving you to wonder of he drew blood.

'You like what you see, twisted little brat.' His breath fanned your face, presence looming over you. You can feel the power rolling off him in waves, power you couldn't possibly rival. You were helpless compared to this creature.

So why go out crying?

A smile curled your lips even as he restricted the air in your lungs, making your head feel floaty. 'I'm starting to think you do too. You haven't killed me yet, bastard curse.'

Sukuna laughed, and now, you're sure he's drawn blood, you can feel it sliding down the curve of your back in tiny rivulets from where his nails broke your soft skin.

'You don't have the power to back up this kind of foolishness, boy!' He snapped.

Your heart stuttered with the growl in his voice, and despite any kind of better judgement, you melted into it further.

'Then why come here every night?'

'Why haven't you told the sorcerer?' Sukuna countered, his grin turned knowing. 'The brat, the Six Eyes, any one of them could stop me from doing this, you've had ample chance, and you've told, no one.'

You averted your eyes, ears growing warm as Sukuna eased his grip, only to yank your head back by your hair, teeth and tongue assaulting your neck.

This. This is why you've told no one. Gojo would know in an instant that you'd let the King of Curses in your pants, or worse, Sukuna would tell everyone himself, and you couldn't stand that kind of embarrassment, even if the choice had been amazing sex, or die.

Sukuna laid you out on your bed, stealing the breath from your lungs as he nipped at your ear lobe.

'You'll tell no one brat, because you're mine now.'

[jaehyunsbreadbasket]

Snowed In With You: Chapter One

Mark Lee x Fem!Reader

Synopsis: You and the boys set off on your road trip to Chenle's cabin, and when you finally arrive, rooms are assigned. Chenle, realizing that there are lot's of things he needs to make this trip perfect, takes some of the boys on a grocery run, leaving you and Mark alone.

Word Count: 1.1K

"Where's my coffee!?" Jaemin whines towards the front of the car, he and I being seated in the last row of the van.

"Here take it! Shut up now." Renjun yells back as he passes the drink to Jisung, who's sitting in between Chenle and Jeno. Jisung then hands it to Jaemin.

Jaemin relaxes in his seat as he begins sipping on his deadly eight-shot americano. He holds the cup with two hands like a baby would a bottle, "Do you want some?" he asks me with wide eyes, angling the cup towards me.

"I'll pass, Jaem. Thanks though." I give him a smile that he returns, happily going back to his drink. Mark chuckles from where he sits on the other side of me.

I sit scrolling through my phone as some Michael Jackson song plays in the background, "The driver gets full aux privileges" Haechan had said when we first got into the car. We've been driving for about two hours now. What Chenle had failed to mention when he was promoting this lovely holiday trip was that his cabin was four hours away from Seoul. Four. Hours. Four hours of listening to Renjun and Haechan's endless bickering from the front seat; four hours of listening to Chenle and Jisung's bickering from the second row; and four hours of Jaemin resting his head on my shoulder, babbling on about anything and everything as he experiences his caffeine high. Occasionally reaching in front of him to bother Jeno, who's sitting quietly, playing a mobile game.

Suddenly curious, I peek next to me at Mark's phone, wanting to see what his car ride pastime is. He's typing something, it appears to be a poem of some sort, but before I can read it, he's closing the tab and going to scroll though his Instagram. My eyes quickly move back to my own phone screen, worried that he might've caught me snooping. The way that he leans closer to me and cocks his head as he looks at my phone screen lets me know that he did, "Sorry," I say softly, my embarrassment clear.

"Don't be, you're totally fine. Some people just can't control their nosiness, you know my friend Johnny is like that." Mark gives me a teasing smile, his playfulness clear on his face. I scrunch my nose as I look away from him, busying myself with something else.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"I love the smell of money!" Renjun says as we enter the Zhong cabin. High ceilings, with windows that reach them all the way from the floor; huge leather couches; a perisan silk rug that certainly cost more than my rent. The thought of spilling something on any of the furniture here terrifies me. I halfway expect a maid to come out of the shadows, accompanied by bellhops offering to take our luggage to our rooms.

"Me too!" Haechan chimes in as he drops his bags and launches himself onto the couch.

"I'm glad you guys like it," Chenle says as if there was any doubt in his mind. How could anyone dislike this? "There's four rooms down here and three upstairs. Y/N will have her own room of course, so one of you guys will have to share." Chenle explains.

"How about you and Jisung share?" Jeno offers. Renjun and Haechan nod their heads at that.

"You know I like the way you think." Renjun says, squeezing Jeno's shoulders.

"If you think his brain's so sexy then you guys can share a room." Jisung replies.

"I second that notion. I'm obviously getting my own room, seeing that it's my cabin and all."

"And so it was written," Mark says, "I call upstairs."

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

A view hours have passed since we've gotten here, and we have all been unpacked. Haechan and Renjun & Jeno taking the other rooms upstairs, while Chenle, Jisung, Jaemin, and I take the ones downstairs.

My room is massive, far too big to be occupied by just one person. The thought of this house being empty for most of the year is insane, if I was Chenle, I'd convince my family to rent it out during the year.

"Are there any streamers here?" Chenle yells from down the hall, I peek out of my room to see him rummaging through the shelves of the hall closet.

"I love how you're asking us when this is your house," Renjun yells from the living room.

"Shouldn't you know what's in your own house, Chenle?" Jisung adds.

"You should really know what's in the house and what's not before just you go around inviting people," Haechan scuffs loudly as if Chenle has just asked the most ridiculous question in the world.

"Why are you guys attacking him like that, stop it" Mark laughs as he comes down the stairs.

"They're so mean to me Mark, do you see how they treat me?" Chenle puts on a huge pout, sniffling dramatically.

"Aww, poor baby," Jeno says as he comes over to Chenle and rests his head on his chest, "It's gonna be okay, we'll get you some streamers. Anything else you need?"

Chenle wanted to have two parties over the course of this trip: one for Christmas, and one for New Years. And yet he made no arrangements to get any decorations beforehand.

"Cookie mix, snacks, confetti canons, and all the things for Christmas dinner," Chenle lists off his holiday necessities.

"I need markers, " Renjun yells.

"I want ice cream" says Jaemin as if it isn't 30°F outside.

"Skis."

Everyone's head snaps to Jisung. "You came on a ski trip without having skis?" I ask him.

"I didn't know what kind to get," He defends.

"Well I'm only getting the things that I need, so anything extra you'll have to get yourselves. I'm leaving in five." Chenle goes to living room to retrieve his coat and hat before making his way towards the door.

"Wait for me!" Jisung says.

"Me too." Renjun adds.

Jaemin grabs Jeno's hand and leads him out the door with him, despite Jeno not expressing need for anything. Haechan gets up from where he sits on the couch as well.

"Haechan, where are you going?" Mark asks.

"I want an adventure," Haechan spreads his arms out as he walks out the door, closing it behind him.

"Guess it's just us, then," Mark sits down where Haechan was previously sat and looks over at me.

"Yep, just us..." I cross my hands behind my back as I look back at him, rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet. We stare at each other for a moment, neither of us quite knowing what to do next. We both seem so cautious for some reason.

All of a sudden, Mark breaks the eye contact, and I can't tell if that makes things more or less awkward. He turns on the TV and flips through the stations a bit before deciding that nothing better was on than the evening news, "I'm sure they won't be gone long."

Prologue ⇐ ➠ Chapter 2

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[groenendaelfic]

Regarding the Fate of As Long as We Have Each Other

Dear Anons,

First let me say that I absolutely love your wonderful messages and compliments. They give me life and I treasure them and few things cheer me up more than a nice word or two about my fics and knowing I'm not just typing into the void.

I'll keep trying my best to answer asks if they include questions or bring up interesting points others might be interested in as well (in fact there are quite a few I have been putting off answering because I want to do it properly and that'll probably take an hour or two each, but I haven't forgotten about them!) and you can always message me with other stuff so I don't have to answer publicly (although admittedly it sometimes takes a while for me to reply because irl and anxiety), and I don't want to sound ungrateful, but please,

PLEASE stop sending me melodramatic asks regarding the fate of As Long as We Have Each Other. I get that you are impatient, but they aren't helpful and I got eight of them over the past ten days.

Don't get me wrong, a 'btw I still love that fic, will there be an update anytime soon?' is totally okay and appreciated, those are not the kind of asks I'm talking about.

Now I'm not sure if it's one anon or multiple ones, but my answer hasn't changed so let me copy/paste it from a previous post:

I have decided to finish A Pack of Two first,

Not because I love it more, but because it'll be a MUCH 'shorter' fic than ALaWHEO and I simply cannot keep switching between feral!Wille pov and official boyfriend!Simon pov, especially because both have a very narrow pov and are only aware of like a third of what's going on, and it's driving me bananas.

So yes, As Long as We Have Each Other is going on a short break, but I will definitely get back to it once APoT is done because I'm as enthusiastic about the story as I was on day one, maybe even more so.

ALaWHEO is my favorite fic across all of my fandoms and my baby, but I simply cannot write both it and APoT at the same time. I thought I could or else I wouldn't have started APoT, but I can't and so I had to make a choice.

If it helps, both my notes doc and my outline for ALaWHEO have grown significantly over the past seven weeks and it will definitely end up being over 400k, but only AFTER APoT is done.

Also in all my 23 years of being in fandom (in fact my fandom anniversary will be in 4 days! wtf is time even?) I have only ever given up on posting one fic that made it over 20k and that was because the fandom was an absolutely toxic dumpster fire and not because I lost interest, and even that fic I one day plan to go back to and post in its entirety once the fandom has shrunken considerably and all the 'I might not speak the language or have ever been to the country, but I've read a fan translation with footnotes and a few background posts and so now I totally know the time period and topic you've written your thesis on better than you' people have lost interest. So I promise ALaWHEO will get finished. I'm a completionist. I have all Civ6 steam achievements and believe me that was not fun. The only reason ALaWHEO will not be finished is if I am suddenly for whatever reason unable to write anymore (aka dead or gravely ill).

Anyway. Sorry for the rant. I don't want to call anyone out or seem unappreciative, but my anxiety can only handle so many versions of 'have you completely abandoned ALaWHEO? do you hate it? do you hate me personally for once stating that I didn't like abo fic? I don't know how my poor heart will be able to cope if you give up on ALaWHEO forever and ever but my hope lives on' (no that was not as much of an exaggeration as you might think)

So please stop or I'll disable anon asks, which I'd hate to do because I love hearing everyone's thoughts and comments and also it'd be unfair to everyone else who has been so absolutely lovely, motivating, encouraging and most of all inspiring.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk. (are those still a thing?)

[shadowynn]

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! THIS CHAPTER WAS EVERYTHING AND MORE * inhuman noises * * intensive flailing * 🥹😍😍🤩😍🤩🫠🫠🫠

(sorry for screaming, I have a lot of feels for this chapter). Yunho part was so soft and sweet and perfect!!! (Words can't describe. As someone very insecure I can totally relate to the OC and the way he reassured her was so on point.)

And San (ugh need me a man like him) I felt his worry and concern, and it was nice to see that there was still some level of jealousy between them but they can be rational and above else put the OC well being first.

Thank you for this chapter, you are such an amazing writer ❤️ Just * chef's kiss * . I'm also glad you found joy in writing this chapter. Hope it continues that way 😊

thank you!! it was literally so much fun to write, so i'm glad you enjoyed it!!

it's actually kind of funny because this chapter also made me do a lot of self-reflection on myself as someone who is very insecure and has intimacy issues. at some point, i was sitting there and was like, why won't mc kiss them? why are they so distant? like, i know they have a fear of intimacy, right? so, like what caused it, what is the explanation here, you know?? and then i literally had to sit down and be like, there doesn't have to be an explanation. mc has a fear of intimacy and it doesn't need to be reasoned out, you know? like, i don't have to sit here and spell out completely why mc won't let herself get close. the fact mc is afraid of intimacy is a reason itself. it's a fault and it can be frustrating, but it's reasonable.

ooooo, and san. i was not at all planning on writing any of that. it wasn't until i was about 2k words into this chapter that the idea popped in my head and i knew at that point i couldn't add it in here. it also made me think a lot about how there relationship all worked out and, overall help develop it a bit more. jealousy is inevitable, but i had to remind myself just how close each of them are. they've spent the past eight decades together in a life that practically made them brothers. they've gotten each other through difficult situations and would, without a doubt, lay their lives for each other if it came down to it, so though they wish they had mc all to themselves, they know what exactly the bond to mc feels like and could never deny that to the others. because they care deeply for mc, but also deeply for each other. so, yeah, jealousy is bound to issue, but deep down, they truly only want what's best for mc and even each other.

also, i don't know if you've ever watched the tv show hannibal (literally one of my favorites and i am forever sad it stopped) but the whole time yunho was talking to san about kissing mc, my brain kept thinking about the scene in hannibal when will literally drives an hour one way in the snow just to tell hannibal he kissed alana, and hannibal is just like, why???

but, once again, thank you so much!! your words and kindness mean the world! <33

[iero]

I know I’m speaking from a place of privilege here, but I’m taking the train for the first time in a LONG time tomorrow and I’m so fucking nervous it’s not even funny. 

[blueicequeen19]

Innocent Pt. 14

He leaves and I quickly call Leah to meet up at my house. No way was I staying here alone. I feel sick as a I approach the front door of my house. Even though I know nothing awaits me today. I glance at the update my mom sends me but I don't care. Leah arrives just as I'm making sure nothing has been messed with after I put on clothes of my own. I quickly go with a T-shirt to mask the bruises from Rafe.

"Bitch, what the fuck? I thought you were dead." Leah snaps, plopping down on the couch as I make sure windows are locked. Not that it would stop a Basehead from breaking in.

"No, I'm fine." I laugh, turning away when I feel my blush creep in.

"So what happened? My mom said your dad was in an accident. Totaled his truck or something." Leah asks and I sit down next to here. I couldn't remember the last time I was in this house and not hiding in my room.

"That's all I know. Mom says he's in a medically induced coma, bleeding on his brain or something." I say softly. Leah reaches for my hand but stops, knowing I don't like to be touched. She offers a smile instead, her eyes sad.

"I'm sorry. That must be hard." Leah says and I nod. Only Rafe knows about the abuse. My father warned me so many times that I'd only get it worse if I told anyone so I never did.

"Yea, mom says to keep the store closed so it's just school for me."

"And Rafe Cameron." Leah wiggles her brows at me and I laugh. "Speaking of which, why didn't you tell me his sister is clearly not dead?" I freeze at her words.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, trying to sound surprised.

"I just saw John B and Sarah with the Pogues at the liquor store. Both still very much alive." Leah shrugs like it's no big deal. My heart is racing in my chest. If they're back then Ward will have to choose between Sarah and Rafe. Sarah won't let John B go down for killing the sherif. I jump to my feet and Leah follows.

"Where are you going?" Leah demands, following me outside.

"I'll text you. I need to check on the store and pick up something's for my mom." Leah nods, not bothering to fight me. I hate lying to her but this is too big of a mess. I have to protect Rafe's secret. I give her hand a comforting squeeze then drive off.

Hours tick by and I'm sick with worry. It's dark now and I still haven't heard from Rafe. Why am I getting caught up in a mess that's not mine? I have my own shit to deal with. I'm leaving the store when Rafe texts me.

"Come to my fathers boat." I roll my eyes but find myself driving to Figure Eight anyway. I park and walk quickly down the dock to board the boat. All the lights are off and I don't hear the hum of the engine as I head down into the cabin.

"Rafe?" I call out, fumbling for a light switch.

"Why weren't you at the loft?" Rafe's voice damn near gives me a heart attack as I spin around in the dark. I can't see anything. It's just like at the church. Is the power off? There's a breeze coming from somewhere. Maybe a window was open?

"I'm not staying there." I snap, my knees hit something and my hands fumble until I realize it's the bed in the center of the room. I hear him sigh angrily. I jump when I feel the heat of his body behind me. His breath fans my neck and I shudder as heat courses through my body.

"I expect my whore to do as she's told." Rafe's word infuriate me. I spin around and shove him.

"I'm no one's whore." I growl. The moonlight peaks in from a window and I can make out his form a few feet away from me.

"You were my whore the moment you spread your legs for me. You gave up your virginity so easily. I didn't have to do a thing." I slap him and he groans like it was what he wanted. It did things to me too. I was embarrassingly wet. Fighting him was addicting.

"You lowered your tight little pussy onto my dick without any hesitation at all. You were desperate." I slapped him again and I swear I catch the whites of his eyes as they roll back. He wants me to hit him.

"Do it again." Rafe snarls. I hesitate, torn between my own anger and being whatever he needs right now.

"Now you hold back? Do. It. Again." Rafe demands so I slap him again, feeling the sting in my palm. I pant as I watch him slowly unfasten his shorts and let them drop to the floor with his boxers. I don't need light to see how painfully hard he is right now.

"I bet my little whore is soaked right now." Rafe rasps, sinking down onto a couch.

"Stop it." I shout but he only smiles as he strokes himself.

"Make me." I don't hesitate as I straddle his lap and slam my lips to his. His fingers dig into my hips as I yank on his hair, forcing my tongue into his mouth. Rafe groans into my mouth, kissing me harder. I grind my clothed pussy on his cock and he jerks, gripping me tighter. I'm so angry I can't think straight as I pull my panties to the side and sink down just an inch.

Rafe gasps, his body trembling in anticipation.

"Oh, fuck." Rafe moans loudly and I lift off of him. I smirk as I do it again, just teasing the tip. I can feel him twitching, eager for me to sink all the way down. I roll my hips as I continue to tease and I grip his face between my thumb and pointer finger.

"Now who's desperate." I snarl and I feel the growl rumble through his chest. "I never begged for your cock but you're practically begging for my pussy." I continued to roll my hips then lift off of him.

"No one is begging. You probably couldn't get me off anyway." Rafe grits his teeth and I know he's baiting me. And I'm letting him. I sink down hard and both of our heads drop back in pleasure. I sink my nails into his shoulders as I immediately start to bounce as hard as I can.

Rafe tips his head up to kiss me but I grab his throat and push him back against the cushion as I continue my movements. I squeeze harder as I feel the orgasm quickly building in my stomach. Each stroke had him grazing my sweet spot and I could hardly think. Being in control was making me more turned on than I'd ever been.

"I'm gonna cum." Rafe croaked, his hand clamped down over mine, encouraging me to squeeze harder.

"Beg me." I slowed my motions and Rafe's lip quivered, his eyes squeezed shut like he was in pain. "Beg me or I'll stop." Rafe's hands dug into my hips painfully at my words. I slowed even more, I was right there too.

"Please, Em. Make me cum. Don't stop." Rafe tossed his head back against the chair, eyes rolled back as I picked up the pace. Barely a moment passed and I cried out, digging my nails into his neck as I rode out my orgasm. He yanked me flush with his body and thrusted up into me, yelling loudly as he came. We both shook against each other, our bodies slick with sweat. Rafe broke the silence first.

"I went to John B's tonight to kill him. I was going to kill them all."

[julemmaes]

Like I'm Drowning

Rowaelin Month, Day Twelve

A/N: Sorry about this, blame @thewayshedreamed, she's the one who wanted more angst.

This will have a fourth part, for obvious reasons;)

part one, part two

Word count: 3,874

It was two days after Aelin had left their home. It was about eleven o'clock in the evening when the walls of what had once been his favourite place had shaken with the force of Lorcan's fists on the front door, shouting at Rowan to let him in.

He had not answered.

He couldn't have done so even if he'd wanted to because his legs had stopped working and the muscles in his neck had been reduced to jelly over the last forty-eight hours, sip after sip of whatever alcohol he'd found in the cabinet.

He lay on the floor, his face in a pool of his own vomit, too heedless to care, too sore to move. In any case, he had stopped smelling the stench hours ago.

Another ten minutes had passed, in which his best friend had threatened over and over again to call the police if he didn't open the fucking door, before Lorcan had slammed his shoulder into it.

He hadn't been able to move in time when the door unhinged from the wall fell partially on him, hitting him in the head with one of the now splintered edges. He grunted in pain and could smell the blood as it began to trickle down his forehead, onto his nose, and he was relieved - he wasn't dead. Rowan had not been sure of it until that moment.

The other was there an instant later, taking the door off him, leaning it against the wall.

And the sharp breath he took was a dagger straight to Rowan's heart.

He didn't want him to see him like this.

He had never heard Lorcan's voice like that. So shocked, so worried. Whatever emotions he was feeling at the moment were blocking him from approaching him. Almost as if he was afraid of scaring him. Of breaking him more than he already was.

Rowan shook his head what he could, he didn't want him to see him like this. He didn't deserve his help.

"God, Rowan, what have you done?"

The relief at finding out he was still alive lasted a moment though, as the pain in his chest hit him so hard it took his breath away and he pulled himself up onto all fours before yet another wave of gags shook his body. He opened his mouth, hoping that this time something would come out, but he choked on nothing. His eyes filled with tears and Rowan wondered how that was possible.

There should have been nothing in his body.

He’d been in this conditions since the day before.

He felt a hand settle on his back, rubbing up and down as Lorcan tried to figure out what was going on, and his brain betrayed him, showing him images of a life he had taken for granted all along, from the second she had been his.

Him on the bathroom floor a few months earlier.

A box of somewhat-too-spicy Chinese food on their coffee table.

And Aelin.

Her hands on his back.

He shook off Lorcan's hand, "Don't touch me."

The words burned his throat and another gag went up his esophagus.

He stayed in that position for a few minutes, his back rising and falling frantically with each breath where he seemed to be unable to get enough air in.

"Rowan."

He didn't look at him. He couldn't.

"Rowan, you hear me?"

Lorcan ducked down, crouching beside him, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, but he seemed to remember what he'd just asked him not to do as soon as he gave him a startled look. If he touched him again, he didn't know what his broken mind would show him. He was terrified of it.

With a grimace, Lorcan clenched both hands into fists and took a deep breath, closing his eyes as the sour smell of vomit and what Rowan was ashamed to admit was his own piss reached his nostrils. When he opened them again there was a distinct determination in his gaze and Rowan had to pull his eyes back to the floor.

He thought he had found a sort of calm in which he might even be able to answer Lorcan's questions, but he was wrong. He was so wrong.

"What happened?”

“I feel-” he tried to speak, failing, “I feel like I’m drowing.”

“Why? What happened?” he asked again. And then the final hit, “Where's Aelin?"

There was no stopping the first sob. His vision went totally blurry, blackening everything in front of him until all he could see was the image of her, and his chest constricted to the point where breathing was no longer even an option. He fell to the side, against the wall, and there was no stopping the desperate crying that washed over him.

***

It was three days after Aelin had left their home. It was eight o'clock in the evening when Elide and Lorcan had asked him if he would like to go back there after leaving the hospital. It was twenty past eight when they had reached his street and he was counting down the seconds till he got to smell her perfume in the air again.

He had entered the house and tried not to breathe through his nose, realising he was not ready to remember what her scent was. He noticed how everything had been cleaned, tidied up or fixed and he didn't have the mental or physical trength to turn around, hug his friends and thank them.

He looked towards the kitchen, on the table. The letter was no longer there.

"Where is it?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

He hadn't spoken in the last few hours. Not to the couple he knew was staring at him from the doorway.

He'd been forced to answer questions from the doctors, from his coaches asking him how much time he needed. Lorcan had warned him that he'd lied for him, that he'd told them someone dear to them both had suffered a serious injury and died.

Rowan had looked at him and said a simple thank you while he lay on his hospital bed, despite knowing how much a fuckup of that magnitude risked not only his career, but Lorcan's as well.

It was Elide who had the courage to answer him, "What?"

"The letter."

"Oh." she whispered, "I put it in your room."

He nodded. Running a hand over his face he turned to them, noting how they both looked ready to launch themselves forward if they thought Rowan was going to crumble once more time.

He saw Lorcan clench his jaw and then look away before saying, "You won't find any alcohol, I threw away what was left."

Elide smiled at him with watery eyes, trying to change the subject as fast as possible, "If you need anything, you can always come to our place. You know that. We have-"

He interrupted her abruptly. He didn't look at her as he said in a harsh tone, "Thank you for everything, you can go now."

She took a sharp breath, nodding dryly and turning, hurrying out of the house. Lorcan followed her with his gaze the whole time, telling her he would join her in the car in a moment.

When he met Rowan's gaze again, the voice was the one he'd used all the years in high school when he'd been his captain. It gave no room for argument.

"I don't know what you're going through. I don't even want to begin to think about how painful it is to lose someone so important."

She didn’t die, he wanted to say. She left me.

I gave up on her. I don’t deserve her.

The steel mask Rowan was wearing seemed to be already starting to crack. He needed Lorcan to leave before he couldn't control his emotions.

He had already done too much for him.

He didn't deserve any of what they were offering him. He didn’t deserve anything.

"I can hardly imagine what I would do if I were in your position. If Elide-" he paused, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry, for what's happening. It's not easy, I understand, but whatever you're doing right now, it's not the solution. Treating me and Elide like this isn't going to drive us away, and before you tell me you don't need anything, let me just say that finding you lying in a pool of your own vomit completely hammered, out of your mind was one of the most horrifying things I've ever had to see." he took a step forward, placing a hand on Rowan's shoulder.

He had the instinct to pull away, but the grip on his jacket tightened, pinning him in place.

"I'm not letting you go, okay? I'm not going to let you throw away your career like this," he told him, looking him straight in the eye. "I'm not going to lecture you about what happened the other day. I know I would have done a lot worse, but you have to promise me that it won't happen again."

Lorcan's voice faltered at last and Rowan was surprised to see his eyes glaze over.

He nodded, his mouth slightly open, shocked at his friend's reaction.

"Promise me."

He hurried to whisper, "I promise."

Lorcan nodded, pulling Rowan to him and hugging him. He closed his eyes as the man in front of him held him together without even realising.

When they pulled away, they pretended not to hear the way they were sniffing, or the tears on both men's cheeks. They said a simple goodbye and then Rowan was alone.

Again.

He climbed the stairs slowly, walking like a dead man down the corridor filled with memories of him carrying Aelin in his arms on that very floor, and when he reached the door to their room, he hesitated.

He brushed against the knob, gripping it in his hand.

He stared at the wood in front of him and felt panic assail him.

Rowan turned on his heel, running for the stairs, the exit, hoping that Lorcan had not already left.

He threw open the door of the ghost-filled house and ran out, intent on never returning.

***

It was two weeks after Aelin left their home. Eleven days since he'd run away in a panic. Ten days since Lorcan had convinced Rowan to go back there, at least to pack up his things.

Nine days since Rowan had destroyed their room, screaming and sobbing as he tore the curtains from the windows and threw what little of her he had left against the wall.

Every ornament, every picture frame.

He'd screamed at Lorcan when he'd tried to stop it.

He hadn't succeeded. Rowan had razed their home to the ground, shattering every happy memory they had created over the years in those four walls.

Only when he'd found Aelin's ring had he stopped, bursting into tears so loud that the first sob had startled Lorcan, holding the small object to his chest.

They had gone back to Lorcan’s, and Elide had stood there looking at him with wide eyes, before running to get the first aid kit to clean the wounds Rowan had caused himself. More or less deep cuts, which his friends said should have been stitched up by actual doctors, but Rowan doubted they wouldn't lock him up in the psychiatric ward if he went to the emergency room for the sixth time in such a short time.

Especially if he came in with shards of glass between his fingers.

He hadn't kept his promise to Lorcan.

He'd drank again. He'd gotten into a couple of fights. He hadn't been back to the rink.

He hadn't skated in a fortnight. Longest period of his life off the ice.

But he couldn't do it.

He couldn't do anything. And it was all his fault.

***

It was three months and one day after Aelin had left their home. He had called Lysandra every day since Lorcan had forced him out of his and Elide's house, finding him a place right outside their team's arena. The woman had never given him any real answers, only reassuring him that Aelin was fine and that he should start moving on, too.

That too had broken something inside of him. The implications that Aelin had found someone else.

He couldn’t even bare being in the same room as another woman knowing they’d all be looking at him trying to get in his pants.

Aelin had always been the only one who wanted him for who he truly was, not his money. Not his status.

She had wished all those things gone so many times.

And she had left him.

He had let her go.

The team had sent a physiotherapist to his house every day for the first month, and then every week, accompanied by a shrink. Rowan had managed to drain them all. One after the other.

He was sure Lorcan had lost all hope too, but he continued undaunted to help him, going to his house every day after practice, without ever missing one day.

Rowan knew that Aelin had called him one night, almost a month before. Lorcan had told him, how she had begged him to tell her that he was alright, even though it wasn't true. His friend had also told him that she'd seemed to be drunk, and when she had hung up and both he and Elide had tried to call her back, Aelin had blocked their numbers.

From what he knew, she'd only unblocked Elide's, but she hadn't given him any kind of information about Aelin and he knew she'd never say anything.

He had hurt her - Elide. Rowan knew he'd treated her like little more than trash, both her and Lorcan, but however much he'd hurt her, it didn't seem to bother him in the slightest.

He should have felt something for his friends who had given him everything in the last period, but Rowan could not care less than what they had to go through for him.

Now he was waiting for Lorcan, sitting at the table, to show him he was alright. Putting on his daily show and reassuring his friend that everything was going great, he just wasn't ready to skate again yet. The other one would look at him, yell at him a few minutes before walking out of his miserably empty flat slamming the door.

Rowan was just waiting for the day when he wouldn't show up or when he would tell him he wasn't coming, saying goodbye one last time.

He knew it would happen, one way or another, and Rowan didn't know how to stop the mess that had become his life.

That day it wasn't Lorcan who entered his house, but someone else. Rowan opened the door and saw his agent, his team president, and his coaches, along with the athletic trainers.

They had given him an ultimatum.

Either you go back to slacking off after Christmas break or we break your contract, you're off the team and you lose lots of money.

The president had been particularly emphatic on the subject of money, but for Rowan that would be the least important thing.

It wasn't until the evening after New Year's Eve that he had made a decision.

Lysandra, whom he hadn't seen in person in more than two months, had entered his house looking like someone who hadn't slept in years. She had forced him out of bed, shouting at him to wash up, to clean his house. She had made it so Rowan couldn't talk back, never letting him speak, pushing him left and right.

She had taken him outside, something he hadn't done in weeks, so much so that the sun had hurt his eyes for the first two hours. She had forced him to buy new clothes and all the missing furniture in his house.

She had stayed with him for three days.

Three extremely long days in which she had swore at him, insulted him in every possible way imaginable by the human mind. They'd nearly come to blows when she'd touched a sore spot and Rowan had threatened to call Aedion to haul her away.

She'd dragged him to the party Fenrys had thrown for the New Year and for the first time in months, Rowan had smiled.

Elide had started crying when she'd seen him, Lorcan on the verge of tears as well. They had both hugged him and Rowan had begged for their forgiveness.

That night, Rowan thought things would be different for him for the first time.

He'd been wrong.

Again.

***

It was four years and twenty-seven days after Aelin had left their home. Four years since he had received no news of her. Three years since he stopped asking.

Rowan had been zapping through channels for so many hours now that the glaring light of the TV didn't even bother him anymore. His eyes were slightly glazed over as he stared at the screen, not really looking at the images in front of him. He caught a glimpse of a sentence here and there, ignoring the constant tinkle coming from his phone that warned him that Lorcan still didn't give up on talking to him every day from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep. Even when he was on holiday with his now wife.

They had won yet another cup. The third win in a row.

Sometimes Rowan could hardly believe it.

Three Stanley Cups.

On his dream team.

He should have been excited. No, not excited.

He should have been the happiest man on earth. He should have been out celebrating with his teammates, vacationing on a tropical beach like Lorcan was doing, surrounding himself with girls ready to offer him anything to spend even just one night with him.

But Rowan didn't want to.

Rowan felt nothing – he had not felt anything in the last few years of his life. How did he expect to start now? For a measly win.

He hated hockey. He hated the sport. Hated the fans, his teammates.

He hated his life.

He was about to turn off the TV, confident that he would be able to sleep tonight without the help of the meds the team kept giving him to keep him from collapsing during the games, when his finger froze on the remote.

He didn't know what he was watching, but it seemed to be a channel about gossip, and Rowan felt a pang of anger well up in his chest. It seemed to be the only emotion he still felt from time to time.

Shocked and pissed that someone had felt the need to devote an entire channel to minding other people's business, he stood up, ready to pass out in his cold bed, when the words of the man on the screen stopped him in his tracks.

"And now to the latest news, straight from the social of the Toronto Maple Leafs' rookie player, Chaol Westfall, who has announced his marriage to the stunningly beautiful girlfriend, Aelin Galathynius. She has never been very active on social media, in fact, for somebody with such a charm, she'd be perfect in the role of influencer, but-"

Rowan stopped hearing.

He felt his body's reaction in time, and rushing to the kitchen, he managed to get everything his body was rejecting in the sink. He heaved in there till the last bit of what he’d eaten a few hours ago.

His heart was racing and he had to grip the counter to keep from kneeling on the floor.

That couldn’t be true.

Aelin was getting married.

Aelin was getting married to an hockey player.

The anger blinded him as her words flashed before his eyes.

I can’t do this anymore.

I’m weak. I’m so tired.

This isn’t the life I wanted for us.

I wish I could be your “’till death do us apart”, but I can’t.

The sound that came out of him was not human as he ran to his room and snatched the ring from the drawer next to his bed, the letter that just went wherever he went and raced out of the flat that never felt his own anyway.

***

It was four years and thirty days after Aelin had left their home.

Rowan stood in front of the journalists. Everyone was gaping at him, his teammates on the sidelines were looking his way as if he’d grown three heads.

And he couldn’t blame them, but he had needed to do this a long time ago.

He’d talked to his agents, the team’s president, everyone he had needed to to make this happen and he hadn’t felt such freedom in so long.

The questions just kept on coming and coming and he couldn’t distinguish the words. But he didn’t care.

He only needed to make this statement in front of everyone.

“I’m aware that leaving this team right now is a foolish and completely insane idea, but this world has taken too much from me already. My contract with the Senators ended with this season and I know everyone was expecting me to say which team I’m heading off to, but I’m quitting.

“I should have done this a long time ago and I’m sure the person this is for won’t even see this interview, but I love someone who thought she wasn’t enough for me. She told me four years ago her love wasn’t enough. I’m leaving cause hockey has not been a source of happiness in a very long time and it ruined everything good I ever had.

“I thought I loved playing cause of the adrenaline. The pride in a win. The chills when you score. But no, it wasn't that.”

I loved seeing her smile whenever I scored for her. The way she used to put medications on my wounds and bruises whenever I got hit too hard. Or the way we used to get all cuddled up after a long flight, after weeks of not seeing each other. I loved how my jerseys fit her – the way my clothes fit her.

He turned to his teammates, the people he owned a lot but couldn’t bring himself to care enough of to stay with them, “Being on this team would only make it worse. I’m sorry guys, I hope you can understand. This isn’t what I want right now.”

And right before he could get off the stage that had been set up for him, someone screamed from the crown.

“What are you going to do now?”

He didn’t stop to reply, avoiding everyone’s gazes and keeping on walking until he reached the exit of the arena. The chill air hit him hard as he went out on the street and got on the car.

This was the last time he’d be able to use one of the team’s cars.

The driver looked at him in the mirror, “Where to?”

“The airport, please.”

The man nodded and started the engine and Rowan felt something he hadn’t felt in years.

Hope.

Now, I’m going to get her.

tog tag list (if you wanna be added or removed, just dm me or send me an ask)

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[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ A PARTY ❜

Final chapter of ‘Text’, a serie with Obispo ‘Bishop’ Losa.

Word count: about 600.

Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!

Gif credits: to my wonderful @sonsofeorl ✨

Masterlist. You can subscribe to my broadcast list, to be notified whenever I post a writing!

📲: hey you

It's the first message he has sent you since eight hours ago.

📱: thought you were dead

📲: something like

📲: fucking long day

📲: and having a party

📱: it's allowed for mummies to party?

📲: forgot how funny you are pendeja

📱: im currently running away from the circus

📲: come hide in the club so i can have some fun or i swear im gonna die of boredom

📱: your friends should call you la reina del drama instead of el rey de los mayas

📲: cmon

📲: i wanna see you

📲: and you can meet my friends

📱: sounds like meeting the cast of the walking dead

📲: well i cant eat you after that

📱: naughty zombie

📱: i would love it

📱: but im tired and need some rest after a ten hours shift

📱: wanna come after your thriller party ?

📲: sure

📲: rest bgirl

You know he's bothered. You know that he really wants to see you, to finally meet his friends after almost a year together. And you're decided to do it tonight. Continuing your driving to the Romero and Bros scrapping, you stationed the black car by a side of the hallway. Stepping out, dressed with your uniform from the Hospital, you have a look of the crowded yard. You can't see Bishop anywhere, intuiting that he must be inside of the clubhouse. Just in case, you stop the first guy you find; one with a prospect patch on his kutte.

“Hey, you must be Ezekiel”.

The man frowns somewhat confused, until he notices your clothes, drawing a huge smile. He knows you. And you don't know why, but this feels like relief. Bishop has really talked about you to them.

“Prez is inside”. He tilts his head to the club, before offering you a hand to be narrowed by yours. “Cool you're real”.

“Yeah, serving my country by taking care of old asses”.

EZ laughs, shaking his head, before grabbing some boxes of beer to continue with his main task. You continue your way, earning some curious looks, until you reach the porch. Holding the doorknob, you have a deep breath, before getting ready to come in. Suddenly and dramatically opening the door, you try to look more desperate than never in your life.

“BISHOP? BISHOP, WHERE ARE YOU?” Looking around until you find him choking on his beer, totally confused. “OH MY GOD, BISHOP! ARE YOU OKAY? HOW YOU FEEL?”

Palming his chest under the attentive looks of the other men, he doesn't know what to reply.

“OH, GOD! SAY SOMETHING! DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT! CAN YOU HEAR ME? DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!”

He breaks into a loud laughter, while an older man comes closer towards you.

“Brother, are you okay?” He sounds worried.

“OF COURSE HE'S NOT! HE'S DYING!”

“Wha—What?” Another Mayan choking on his drink.

“Yeah, of boredom, you old-asses. This party looks like a geriatric”.

Your boyfriend surrounds you with both arms, not being able to stop laughing, as you stick your cheek to his chest smirking to his friends. They seem disconcerted, until they put their eyes on your white uniform and the comfy sneakers.

“Holy shit… YOU ARE REAL!” The oldest says.

“Why all of you thought I wasn't real, ah? The prospect said the same”. Wrinkling your nose, you raise your orbs to the darkest ones. Bishop kisses your forehead with a gentle gesture.

“Weren't you tired?” He asks puckering his lips, slightly arching his moustache.

“Weren't you dying? 'Cause you can't until my name is in your testament”.

“Good point”. He replies tilting his neck.

[fitzs-trained-monkey]

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Red Roses, Red Roses

Rated: 16+ For graphic descriptions of violence and gore, brief mentions of rape, mentions of torture, mentions of abuse, and disturbing images.

Masterlist

~All the pretty girls, they find

A way to keep you on my mind

I swear I heard you singing along

Cities pass like candy stores

And you're the one

I'm looking for

And so

I'm just a boy

Who's telling a girl

That when I grow up I'll buy you a rose

When I grow up, I'll buy you a rose~

"Okay, but what is the proper plural form of Nephilim?" I asked from the back seat of the Impala as it drove through the winding roads from the bunker and into town. "See, 'cause ' Nephilims ' sounds weird. So, is it ' Nephili ' like ' octopi ', or could it be ' Nephilice ' like ' mice '? I need to know this, guys."

The car was silent. Sam, Cas, and Jack were all thinking over the answer to my question and Dean was just rolling his eyes in the mirror.

"Maybe-" Sam started slowly "-Maybe it's just 'Nephilim'. You know, like ' moose '?"

"Yeah, that kinda sounds right, I guess." I nodded. Dean laughed and shook his head, glancing at me in the mirror. "What?"

"Oh, nothin'." He waved a hand. "I just don't get ya' is all."

"Yeah, neither do I." I shrugged and Jack must have found something funny because he snickered. "But what is it that you don't get?"

Dean shrugged. "I mean, I know you get rattled; Felix scares you and I get that. But you just take  everything else  in stride! How do you do that? I just- I don't get it."

"I told you this, Dean. I'm good at hiding my reactions to things and if I can't hide them then I use them to gain sympathy from others." I glanced at Jack, catching his eye. "At least, that's what I do until I can really trust somebody."

Jack smiled a little and tugged me closer into his side. He had been acting sorta weird since we'd all piled into the Impala for the drive into town. Jack had wrapped his arm around my waist and held me tight against him, almost as if he was keeping me away from the trench-coated angel on my other side. He kept shooting Cas these weird glances and I couldn't help but wonder what they could be about. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought that Jack was being possessive.

Not that I was complaining about our close proximity or anything! Jack was really warm and winter in Kansas was, shall we say, not. Who was I to turn down free cuddles? Although those cuddles did kinda make me want to sink my teeth into him. He smelled so sweet and his skin looked so frustratingly soft. Maybe one of these nights I could sneak into his room and get a taste. That could make things better, I mean, half the torture of being around him was the curiosity of not knowing.

"And we're here!"

Sam's voice knocked me out of that potentially devastating train of thought and I followed Jack out of the car. Okay, ' followed ' is the wrong word. Jack pretty much just pulled me out of the car with him. He didn't let go of me. Weird.

The town of Lebanon, Kansas reminded me quite a bit of Copper Harbor. The main difference was that Lebanon was bigger... A lot bigger. The buildings were small and friendly, made of red brick and wooden doors and windows with glass that bulged out at the bottom. The streetlamps were iron and curled over the street as they should and there were planter boxes underneath display windows. The whole town just breathed in a way that said ' stay awhile '.

"It's Christmas time," I noted aloud, "I almost forgot."

There were colorful lights wrapped around poles and wreaths hung on doors with bells that jingled when they opened. There were even speakers placed outside that filled the air with all sorts of holiday music and I felt a smile split across my face as I started to sing along.

"Oh, no. Don't tell me you sing too," Dean chuckled as he held open the door of a discount clothing store. I was about to say something witty as a response but Jack beat me to the chance.

"She does! She sang to me last night," He said, smiling down at me. Dean raised an eyebrow, glancing at the acute lack of space between us. Jack noticed and let go of my waist.

"Oh yeah? And how was that?" Dean asked, smirking.

Jack's brow's furrowed and his head tilted as he eyed me like he was trying to remember something.

"It was..."

' Please don't say anything that'll get me dead! ' I pleaded silently.

"It was  magical ."

Sam, Dean, and Cas all shared a strange look, but before anything more could be said, the shopkeeper waltzed in from the back room.

Her silver hair was cut short and straight with the ends tucked around her chin. She was a short, thin woman probably in her late forties or early fifties with a not-a-hair-out-of-place sort of attitude. I would bet twenty bucks that her name was Christie spelled with a 'Ch' that she would be sure to remind us of. Click-clacking her way over to us in a pair of atrociously hot pink six-inch heels, the woman regarded us over the tops of her thick, rectangular glasses which hung on a chain around her neck. She flicked her eyes over each person individually in a way that reeked of silent judgment and when her eyes landed on me I was tempted to flip her off. When she was satisfied that she knew everything there was to know about us, the woman fixed a painfully fake smile onto her face and greeted us, speaking slowly like we were uneducated simpletons.

"Well, hi there all! My name's Christie with a 'Ch', you know, like in 'Christmas'? What are your names?"

Called it.

"Hey, Christie. I'm Dean, this is my brother Sam, standing really creepily behind me is Cas, and this one here is his son Jack." Dean pointed as he introduced everyone, sounding annoyed as if this was his tenth time meeting Christie which it probably was. "We're lookin' to get Marty here some warm clothes. Got anything, ah, petite?"

I shot Dean a pointed look to which he just smirked. It wasn't my fault he and his brother were so freakishly tall. In front of us, Christie ignored his request to do business and kept on chatting.

"Sam and Dean Winchester? I remember you, boys. Why didn't you tell me one of you had a daughter as pretty as this little vision? Is she yours, Sam? She looks a bit like you," She cooed, stroking my hair as if that was a socially acceptable thing to do. I almost bit her hand off but smiled instead. Her question caught Sam off guard.

"No, no. Marty's not my daughter," He chuckled nervously, shaking his head.

"Oh! My mistake. Is she yours, Dean?"

"What? No! O'corse not!"

I nearly smacked my face with my palm. Were these guys  trying  to look like kidnappers? Considering their age and the way I was dressed, oh yeah, this totally looked like a kidnapping.

Christie frowned and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to her side. Jack reached for me but Christie pulled me further away, glaring at him.

"Oh, dear me. I shouldn't be calling the police on you boys now, should I?"

Sam and Dean glanced at each other, trying to come up with some sort of excuse and Christie was already pulling out her phone. A very Isaac-like idea popped into my brain. I rolled my eyes and huffed, pushing away from Christie.

"Ugh! Why do you guys have to be so weird about it? I mean, if you have to dress like child abductors then you could at least  try  not to act like it!" I turned to Christie, shaking my head. "Yeah, sorry about them, ma'am. It's a really long and scandalous story and you probably don't wanna hear the details, but I'm not being kidnapped, I promise."

Christie perked up at the mention of scandal, she was probably just itching for some juicy gossip to spread around at one of her knitting meetings.

"Well, I should probably hear the whole story just to make sure," She said, almost buzzing with excitement.

"Are you sure?" I baited, "It's pretty bad!"

"Oh, you can tell me, hon! I won't tell anybody."

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

"Alright, so long story short, my mom is Cas's aunt and she's a slut who cheated on my dad, who's a straight-up loser. So, he only found out that I'm not his just last week and filed for divorce within two days because he finally has an excuse to get rid of me now. Except, surprise-surprise, my mom never wanted me either because I'm a useless mistake and so they both threw me to child support which Cas here saved me from because he's a decent human being!" I finished my rant of bull crap and inhaled deeply. Christie had bought every word.

"Aw, you poor baby! You get a discount, sweetheart, and if one of your parents ever comes in here I'm gonna wring their neck!" She continued babbling as she led us through the store while Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack all stared at me like I had eight heads. I smirked at them and shrugged a little.

Five hours and six oversized bags of clothes later and we were out of that store. We crossed the street and collapsed on some benches outside a diner, remaining silent for a while.

"That was worse than Hell!" Dean complained, tugging his boots off and rubbing his sore feet. "If I had to hear that woman talk for one more minute, I might have slit her throat!"

The rest of us made noises of agreement. Well, all except Jack who just shrugged.

"I thought she was nice," He said, though he too looked worn out.

"That wasn't nice, Jack. That was prying," Cas corrected him.

"Yeah," I agreed, "I wasn't sure how much more crap I could spout about your aunt, Cas!"

"Yeah, um, speaking of," Sam cut in, "You had that whole thing pretty handled, Marty. Where'd all that stuff come from anyway?"

"I've been on my own since I was nine, Sam," I lied, lowering my head and picking at my jeans.

"I get that, but-"

" Since I was  nine ,  Sam ." I glanced up to see Sam's mouth form into an 'O' of understanding. I looked away again, quieting my voice. "I know how to make up excuses that people won't question."

"Ah."

"You are  quite  the liar, Martina," Cas spoke up with a tilt of his head. The way his words curled in on one another made it impossible for me to tell whether his statement was one of praise, suspicion, or both. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Jack eyeing Cas, his lip curled in a scowl that looked unnatural when displayed by his gentle features.

I didn't look up at the angel sitting in front of me. A tight smile tugged at the corner of my lips as I tapped the pads of my fingers against my knees.

"You don't trust me do you, Castiel?" I asked, trying to keep my voice neutral. Cas sighed and shook his head; I watched Jack's hands clench into fists.

"No. No, I don't," He said, eyeing Jack's reactions as well.

"Why not?" I still didn't look up, feeling the angel's gaze shift to me.

"You lie so easily to others, and you do it very well. What's to stop you from doing the same to us?" For once, Castiel's tone didn't seem accusatory. He sounded truly curious and... understanding almost. His words were something close to gentle.

"Nothing, really," I answered honestly, "For five years, it was just  me . I had Isaac but I still felt  so  alone . I felt so small and scared and  purposeless . All I did was run and hide, it was like I was just waiting to die. So, when you guys offered me protection, I couldn't say no. I couldn't say no, even if I didn't actually need it."

"Didn't need it? What's that supposed to mean?" Dean asked, leaning his elbows on his knees. I shrugged.

"You guys saw a small kid getting attacked in that alleyway and you helped her out. You just made the same mistake that everybody does."

"And what mistake is that?" Cas pressed, squinting curiously.

"Thinking that small means the same thing as helpless," I took a deep breath, shaking my head, "It doesn't, and I'm not. I told you I was clever, you just never stopped to think about what that meant. What you guys don't seem to get is that I survived for  five years . I was just scared that if you knew then you would leave me there alone and I- I just couldn't."

"So, you lied to us?" Sam asked with a frown. I nodded.

"I did. I lied to you and I'm sorry."

"We wouldn't have turned you away, Marty," Jack said, softly grasping my hand.

"I think somewhere deep down I knew that. There were just these things I had to do to survive and I was so scared that if you knew about them, then you wouldn't want me. So, I lied. Because the only thing I could think about was how I just couldn't be alone anymore." I laughed in spite of myself.

Jack nodded solemnly before glancing up and getting distracted by something across the street. His face lit up as he let go of my hand and stood, bounding towards whatever had caught his attention. I didn't bother to watch him.

"Look, Marty," Dean sighed and shook his head a bit, "You seem like a pretty sweet kid and I like you, a lot. Now, I may not know everything about your past, but I know from experience that the only thing that can make up for your mistakes is trying your best to do the right thing now. I wanna trust you, Marty. We all do. But if you keep all these secrets, then we can't do that. So, can you promise us just one thing?"

"Name it."

"No more lies?"

"No more lies," I lied.

"Good." Sam smiled. "So, is there anything else we should know about you?"

There were so many things. None of which I could tell.

"Well, there might be one thing."

"What?"

I opened my mouth to speak but I was cut off by a flower being presented before my eyes. The flower was a rose and the rose was white. It was gorgeous and perfect, there wasn't a single flaw on any of the smooth petals and it was just one step short of full bloom.

There was a hand attached to the rose and I plucked the flower from his fingers, twirling it between my own.

"What's this for?" I asked as I looked up at Jack who beamed down at me the way I remember summer sunshine being like.

"It reminds me of you," He said simply.

"Why?" I chuckled.

"Um, because you said that you pretended to be innocent and helpless because you thought that nobody would want you if they knew otherwise. So, um, I-" He gestured to the rose's thorn-covered stem. "Well, t-this one has spiky-things on it."

"So, it does." I nodded, giggling at his strange explanation. Jack flashed me a grin and continued.

"At first, I thought it was just beautiful, like you, and I didn't see the spiky things until I picked it up. When I touched it, it hurt, but I took it anyway. See, it's still beautiful - even with the spikes - I still wanted it. So, I want you to know that even if you have spikes, I still want you."

Around. There was an ' around ' tagged on the end of that sentence, he just forgot to put it there. Right?

"Thank you, puppy. That was very sweet," I said, catching a glimpse of the flower cart across the street where he must have gotten it. The cart was unattended. In fact, the whole street was oddly empty. It was Christmas time, the street shouldn't have been empty, but it was and that gave me a very bad feeling.

Jack smiled so innocently it made me want to cry.

"You're welcome!"

"You paid for this though, right?"

Jack's face immediately told me the answer. "Is it not for free?"

"Nope, you stole it. You're criminal now," I joked.

"Oh." Jack frowned for a moment. Then he shrugged. "Well, when we grow up, I'll buy you one."

I had the chance to say something witty, so naturally, I replied with:

"Cool."

I mentally slapped myself. Of course, he says something cute and all I say back is ' cool '. My brain hates me.

I felt my cheeks heating up, so I ducked my head down. Deciding that we were in a shaded enough spot, I tugged the light-teal-colored baseball cap off my head. (I had been using it to hide my face from the harsh burning of the sunlight that drifted over the town.) The cap had a manatee sewn on the front and was one of the few things I had brought with me from my past life on the sunny shores of Florida. Laying the hat in my lap, I pulled my thick black braid over my shoulder and proceeded to weave the rose's stem into it loosely. Then, I flipped my hair back and smashed the baseball cap back on my head.

Meanwhile, the angel boy just smiled down at me as if he  hadn't  just said some of the kindest words I'd heard in five years. My cheeks felt like they were on fire and suddenly my shoes were extraordinarily interesting.

My attention was drawn away, however, when out of the corner of my eye, I watched Cas's back go ramrod straight. His head tilted to the side like he was listening for something, his eyes narrowing to one-quarter squint power.

"Cas?" Dean called to his friend. More like  their  friend, really, Sam and Jack were his family too. I guess I couldn't bring myself to call the angel my friend while I was lying to his face about everything I was.

"There are monsters somewhere here, I can sense them," Castiel said quietly. Jack stopped and tilted his head like Cas, focusing.

"I sense them too," He reported, glancing at me, "They're vampires." I sat up a little straighter.

"Put your shoes back on, Dean. You cannot rest while enemies are nearby," I said, smiling wryly and letting an edge of nervousness creep into my voice.

"How many are there?" Dean demanded, already taking charge.

Cas squinted harder. "Seven... Wait, no. There are eight."

"Where? C-can you sense that?" Sam asked.

"No-" Cas shook his head before turning to his surrogate son. "-But Jack can."

Cas sent a small nod to Jack who nodded back and directed his gaze upward, stretching out a hand. His eyes flicked into glistening gold and I could feel my hair stand on end as the air became charged with raw power. For a split second, I almost thought I saw the outline of feathered appendages sprouting from the boy's back. Then, Jack's eyes flickered back into their crystalline blue and I shook the after image away. Whatever I had thought I'd seen was gone before I could register it.

"There are two of them hiding in an alley about thirty yards that way-" He pointed to the left "-and there are five more. They're waiting for an ambush? I think? They're over there. In that really suspicious-looking grey van parked four cars down." He jabbed his thumb over his shoulder and I leaned over to glance at the car. Jack had been right, the van totally looked like it belonged to the mafia or something.

"What about the last one?" Dean pressed, his eyes shifting around to examine his environment. Jack shook his head.

"I-I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I mean, I can sense it - I know it's here somewhere - but it's cloudy. I can't tell exactly where; it's like it's everywhere and nowhere at the same time."

Jack called the vampire an ' It '. Of course, he did.  It  was a vampire.  It  was a monster. What else does one call a monster? What else does one call  a thing  like that? After all, that's all  it  was; that's all  I  was. A  thing . Not a someone, not a person, not a  friend . A  thing . A  pest , a  nuisance , a  parasite  to be eradicated. Skrew all Jack's kind words and endearing actions; they didn't mean anything! He could never really love me back. It was only a matter of time before he realized that. It was only a matter of time before he started calling me ' It '.

' How long will that be, I wonder .'

I was pulled from my thoughts by a scream. It rang, high and sharp, and it echoed off the brick buildings.

"HELP! HELP ME!" A woman's voice cried.

"Max?" Jack whispered, his eyes going wide. I didn't know who that was and apparently, neither did Dean as he flung his strong arm out in front of Jack who began to sprint towards the sound.

"Who?" Dean demanded. Jack struggled to push past him but Dean wouldn't budge.

"That-that's Max! She's my friend! Those things have her! She needs our help!" He explained impatiently. Dean's face scrunched up.

"Wait, wait. Max? Teenage girl? White hair? 'Bout yea high?" The elder Winchester made a height comparison with his hand and Jack rolled his eyes.

"Yes! Now, come on!" Jack huffed.

"Oh ho! So that's why you're not going for abandonment issues over there?" Dean teased. Letting go of Jack, they started towards the sound of screaming. "Does Jack-Jack have a girlfriend?"

Jack stopped and faced Dean, confusion written across his brow. "Max already has a girlfriend."

"Oh."

The two dorks were brought back to reality when that Max girl screamed again.

"SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP!"

Her voice was followed by another, a boy this time.

"HEY! HEY! HELP! ANYBODY! HELP US!"

"That's Eliot!" Jack took off down the street at a full-on sprint. Dean, Sam, and Cas hot on his heels.

"No, no! Please, go on ahead without me," I muttered, sarcastically, "Save the damsel! I'll just... wait here then."

Huh. Max and Eliot. I felt like those names should be switched around, but then again, I go by Marty, so who am I to judge?

Out of nowhere, I felt a stinging pain in my shoulder. A syringe. I knew the feeling well. Before I could react, the pain suddenly doubled, rapidly spreading all throughout my body like a viral infection.

Dead man's blood.

I whipped my head to the left to meet an all too familiar pair of brown eyes.

"What's bouzzin' gousin?" An accented voice jeered.

Then everything was black.

***

The vampires were taken care of rather easily. Jack felt like a Jedi Knight as he suspended them in the air, stringing them up like the murderers they were. They didn't even struggle. Like convicts dangling from a hangman's noose, the vampires knew as soon as they saw Jack's glowing eyes, that their deaths were nigh at hand. Jack thrust out a hand and caught them in the pulsing rings of his grace, a sound like drum beats underwater reverberating off the alley walls. With a grin, the boy clenched his hand into a fist and the monsters splintered into not but dust.

With the threat eradicated, the glow in Jack's eyes flickered out and he turned to the high-schoolers who he considered his friends.

"Hello, Max! Hello, Eliot! It's alright, you're safe now," He chimed, nodding to each kid in turn and lifting his hand in greeting, though he refrained from actually waving it. Upon seeing him raise his hand, the kids shared a look of sheer terror and backed away. Jack frowned at their reactions, lowering his hand. "No, no! Wait, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you!"

Max and Eliot paused, trying to determine whether or not they believed him.

Unbeknownst to Jack, Max and Eliot didn't actually like him. ( After finding out about the supernatural, the teens were disappointed when the Winchesters refused to tell them more about spirits and monsters. Enter Jack, and his unfortunate lack of talent in terms of keeping his trap shut. ) Max and Eliot had only hung out with Jack once, and that was exclusive because they knew that he lived with the Winchesters. Against his better judgment, Jack had shown them a glimpse of his powers and though they thought his telekinesis was cool, the teens had agreed not to search the boy out again.

There was just something about Jack that unsettled them, frightened them,  terrified  them. Just like every other human who had seen what Jack could do; deep down, they were all afraid of him. Because he wasn't normal, he wasn't right,  he wasn't human .

"What did you just do to those guys?" Eliot asked, staring with eyes as wide as quarters. Jack thought it would be better not to answer that question.

"It's okay! They were monsters," He reassured.

"He disintegrated them," Cas deadpanned. Dean shot the angel a look. "What?"

"YOU DISINTEGRATED THEM?!" Max screeched loud enough to make Jack flinch.

"Yes?"

"You didn't just, like, proof em' away or something?" Eliot added, a little quieter.

"Um, no. No, I didn't."

"COULD YOU DO THAT TO US?!"

"Most likely, yes," Jack answered, thoughtfully, "I've never tried it on humans, though. But I would never hurt you guys, you're my friends!"

"You're really freaky, dude," Elliot said, shaking his head slowly, "And, like, not in a good way."

"I know." Jack hung his head. They were afraid of him. They hated him. He shouldn't have expected otherwise.

"I'm never gonna be able to un-see that," Max muttered, staring at the cement.

That gave Jack an idea, maybe there was a way to undo this.

"I know you're probably freaking out, but I think I know a way to make it better," He said, trying to sound reassuring.

"Nah, man. I don't want any of your freaky Aquaman powers used on me!" Eliot shook his head.

"No powers." Jack smiled despite how badly their words hurt. "I promise."

His stomach twisted with the lie, but they didn't need to know that. Max and Eliot shared another glance.

"Okay..." They agreed, hesitantly.

"I have a friend. Her name is Marty," Jack explained, leading them back to the bench where his family had left the girl. "She's right here!"

Except she wasn't.

That's when the Nephilim's phone rang.

It was a picture message. Marty sat unconscious tied to a chair in some shack. The text read:

"I really would hate to incur the wrath of the Winchesters, so consider this a ransom note. All you have to do is find her in time. Tick-tock. ~ Felix "

Max peered over Jack's shoulder.

"Hey! I know that place!"

***

"Welcomb back to the land of the livinc' where the livinc' are, in fact, dead!"

Okay, so she knew I was awake. I kept my eyes closed anyway and canvassed my new environment. Having grown up blind, I didn't need my eyes to see.

My hands were bound with zip-ties to the arms of the splintering wooden chair I sat in. The space around me was large but not cavernous as there was no echo. This was a shack of some kind judging by how the metal panels making up the roof clanged against one another in the wind. The shack was also dark to protect vampire skin from the sun, and in winter, no sun meant freezing temperatures. There was a weight covering my lap; someone had given me a blanket. I caught the scent of hay among other less pleasurable farm smells. I could hear the shifting of five pairs of feet surrounding me in a circle. This was going to be fun.

Opening my eyes, at last, I was met with the sight of a young woman around the age of twenty-two, lounging on a few hay bails. She was long, lean, and muscular with a round face displaying a crooked smile. I could see the end of a tie-dyed shirt sticking out beneath the fluffy black coat she wore. Her green and purple hair was chopped short in a punk rocker pixie cut that stuck out in at least five different directions. If I wasn't mistaken, a few of the strands appeared to be scorched on the ends. Her cheekbones were low and prominent and plenty rosy. She had full lips and a button nose that was home to two tiny diamond studs. The woman wore her dark green eyeshadow with plum-colored lipstick unapologetically. Her eyes, which were set deeper than most, turned down at the corners and sparkled with mischief. They were accompanied by thick dark eyebrows, the left of which had apparently gotten a third piercing since I had last seen her.

"Ah hah! So she  is  alive!" She said, her thick Dutch accent coating her words, "I was begininc' to worry that you had follen asleep... Again."

I shrugged despite my restraints.

"Yeah, well I can only sleep-in so long."

"You never were a morninc' person, were you?" The woman sighed, shaking her head. I watched her arrow-head pendant as it swung back and forth from her neck.

"Nope."

"And dat's why we're frien'ds!" She chirped.

"We're not friends, Elwyn." Okay, so maybe that was a bit harsh but it was better than pretending like everything was fine and dandy between us. Elwyn faked a gasp.

"You used my fuoll name! You muss be serious. Why so c'old,  mijn lieve ?" She asked, tilting her head.

"Spending five years as a walking corpse will do that to you," I answered, smiling thinly. "Why are you here, Elwyn? What's this act for? We both know that if I wanted to walk out of here right now, I could do so without a scratch on me. What do you want?"

"You might 'ave been able to woltz out of 'ere if you had a full tanc', dat's true." Elwyn nodded, in agreement. Then she tilted her head and frowned at me with pouty lips. "But you're quite weak now. I'm sorry, hones'ly. I t'ought dat you'd be able to 'andle dat much dead man's blood but you still look pale an' shaiky!"

"Well, I've always been pale," I replied, narrowing my eyes. Elwyn sat up, crossing her legs and putting a fist to her chin. Her brows furrowed and she looked at me with what seemed to be genuine concern for my well-being.

"How lon'g has it been since you fed,  liefste ?" She asked in a gentler tone.

"A little over two weeks," I answered honestly.

"Two weeks?! Nothinc'? Not even somethinc' piffy, like a ra'bbit?"

I shook my head and shrugged.

"Oh,  jij arme ding ! I know you ha'te it, but how could you do dis' du yourself?!" She cried, shaking her head in dismay. I looked away. Deep down I knew that Elwyn really did care about me, albeit in her own strange way. I was being harsh with her and that wasn't exactly fair. She was Felix's prisoner too.

"I more than hate it, Ellie," I said, speaking softer now, "But I just couldn't find a good opportunity. Besides, I can take it."

Elwyn rolled her chocolate-brown eyes.

"No you gan't, Mardina! Look at yourself! You're runninc' on foomes and it shows!" Elwyn huffed, her accident becoming more prominent as her emotion shown through. "Be hones'd wit me, dis is because of dose Win-kesters, isn't it?"

"Not exactly," I said, picking at a splinter on the wooden arm-rest. I knew the real reason and it was a stupid one. I mean, of all the ways to try to be better, starving myself to the breaking point probably wasn't the smartest. But I wanted to be good, pure. I wanted to be human. For him.

"Ah, I see." Elwyn smiled softly. "I was told aboud dat Nephilim boy, the rumors were wrong about him. I was watchinc' you two today; he's not a ragink' monster at all."

"No, he's not." I shook my head.

"He's a  zoet wezen , no?" Elwyn chuckled to herself, "Sorry, I don' know de word for it in English."

I nodded. The closest translation of her Dutch was ' sweet creature '. It fit.

"What's his name?" Elwyn asked without the slightest bit of hostility.

I smiled. "His name is Jack."

" Hou je van hem ?"

"I don't know," I said, shrugging. Elwyn smiled knowingly.

"Yes, you do. And if what I saw was any indication, he feels the same."

"No, he doesn't, Ellie," I sighed and gestured to the child body I was trapped in. "He can't. Just look at me! I'm just a sister to him and if he knew what I really am then he'd hate me!"

"So, dat's what dis is about." Elwyn nodded with understanding.

"What do you mean?"

"You t'ink yourself bad, so you want du be good for him. Dat's why you 'aven't been feeding," She explained, sounding matter-of-fact.

"Yeah, I guess so." I looked away.

"Well, das not good!" Elwyn leaned forward and cut the zip-ties that held me to the chair. Then she reached behind her and fished around a bit until she pulled her arm back and held it out to me, a blood bag resting in her palm. "Have a snack now and your  engel jongen  will never know!"

I glanced at it for a moment but it didn't take much to break my willpower. I snatched the bag from her hand and ripped it open, downing it like there was no tomorrow.

"You gan slow down,  geliefde.  I brough't more." Elwyn chuckled.

"You did?" I asked looking up.

"I had a sneakinc' suspission dat dis was goin'c du 'appen." She shrugged, tossing me another bag which I ripped into also. She reached behind her again, this time tugging around a small cooler full of the stuff which she pushed over to me. "I admire your willpower, Mardina. I don t'ink I'd have de kinda strengt for what you're pullinc'. How'd you do it?"

"Do what?" I asked, halfway through my second bag.

"Live with dose 'unters day in an' day out!" She exclaimed, "Esspecialy dat e ngel jongen ! Da kid smells like garamel chocolate! I envy your gontrol. How'd you stan' so close to him? I was eighty-feet away and I gould 'ardly gontrol myself!"

Well, at least I wasn't the only one.

"I gotta keep up apperences, Ellie. You know all about that." I knew I sounded guarded, but this subject made me uncomfortable.

"But you gould still get a taste. I know you gan make pepole forget t'ings."

I sighed, finishing my second bag and grabbing another.

"You know, Elwyn? You almost got me." I smiled, shaking my head.

"What do you mean?" She asked, feigning obliviousness.

"For a second there, I almost thought you were still my friend."

"I  am  your friend," Elwyn insisted, "I defied Felix for you!"

"Then you ran right back to him the second I turned my back."

"I had too," She spoke, her voice regretful.

"No! No you didn't! You  chose  too. You chose  him  over  me !"

" Hij is mijn vader !  Ik moest !" Elwyn cried. Tears brimmed in her eyes.

"I don't care!" I shouted back, "We were free! We both could have been free! But no, you chose to leave me all alone in the middle of the woods!"

"I knew you'd be fine," She whispered. I shook my head, pressing my lips together.

"No, you didn't," I growled. "Do you have  any idea  how long I wandered for?!"

"You made it out."

"Not in one peace. I lost things in there, Elwyn." I shook my head. "You left me there." Then, I let out a harsh, rasping, laugh and spat my next words. "And for what? To run right back into the arms of the father that never even loved you!"

Elwyn hung her head. " Het spijt me zeer.  I'm so sorry."

"You should be," I said, cooly. "Why do you always run back to him? And don't give me any of that ' he's my father ' bull crap."

"I don know. But what I do know is dat I am still your friend."

"Right." I nodded, smiling through tight lips. "Why are you really here, Elwyn?"

She took a deep breath, wiping away the tears that had slipped down her face, and looked up. "I game 'ere to save you," She said.

"Excuse me?"

"From dose 'unters!" She explained, "Felix told me dat you were with de Win-kesters and I begged him to let me c'ome rescue you. An' he said yes! He's so much kinder den he used to be; he promised dat he wouldn' make you do anyt'ing you didn' want to!"

Elwyn smiled at me and took my hand.

"Oh, yeah?" I scoffed, "Then what was that phone call, huh? What? Is killing my friend supposed to win me over?"

"Hey, I said dat Felix is kinder den he was." Elwyn sighed. "He's still Felix though. He was tryinc' to intimidate de Win-kesters into letting you go."

"I'm not being held hostage!" I insisted.

"But you are still in danger!" Her eyes softened, "Dey will kill you if dey find out what you are."

"I know."

"C'ome with me," She pleaded, "C'ome with me, an' Jack will never find out about you. C'ome with me an' he'll never break your heart."

I paused. Was there really any chance?

No. There was no chance. No chance that Felix could ever change. It was one in a million. There was no chance and  no choice .

"If you're really here to save me, then what's with your little posse?" The five other vampires had been unusually quiet for idiots of their caliber.

Elwyn shrugged. "In case t'ings get messy."

"We'll, then you better plan on things getting messy because I'm not coming with you," I said with a smirk.

"Why not?"

"Because Felix wants me dead, Elwyn, and that's not going to change."

The woman's face fell.

"I know you didn' mean to kill Madra," She whispered, gently. I shook my head and frowned.

"I didn't kill her," I hissed, "Felix killed his soulmate, not me."

"And he sees dat now. He knows dat it wasn' your fault, dat you couldn't gontrol it. He realises dat and he forgives you!" She smiled a little.

"And how many times did he have to beat you before he realized that?"

"C'ome on, Mardina!" She sighed, though I could see the pain her eyes hid. "Dis is an olive branch! Jus' take it!"

I shook my head and I laughed. I laughed long and loud and hard. I laughed like a girl gone mad. I had told Elwyn that I had lost something when she had left me in those woods, I wanted her to know what it was.

"No," I said. Then I stretched my bloody lips into a mad, humorless grin, "I don't want your olive branch."

"Why not? Its your best chance! Don you want peace?"

"Peace?  PEACE?! " I spat, "You know what he did to me, what he made me! You think after every thing he took away, that I would want  peace ? You think after what I did, Felix would offer me peace?"

"I don't want peace," I said, beginning the rhyme I'd heard when I was still alive, "I want war and I want my enemy's head hung like a boar. I didn't come for money and I don't want his crown, see, I've come to burn his kingdom down. So, come one, come all, to take a dance with the dead and stain the petals of the white roses red."

"Mardina, please!"

The other vampires in the room shifted, readying for a fight. But I was faster.

Launching myself from that splintering wooden chair, I threw my body forward towards the stack of haybales Elwyn had previously sat on. I had to jump to avoid the vamp that tried to grab my legs and that pushed me forward a little too much but it wasn't something I couldn't compensate for. Landing on my hands, I shoved my body up, and over the hay bales in a vamp strength enhanced backflip. I landed on my feet and flipped my hair back. The shed's door was in front of me. Sure, it was locked but the lock was only one of those slidey metal bars which are super easy to break and if I was going to fight five vamps at once, it would be wise to keep my back to the door that way I might be able to be thrown through the door and land outside instead of pushed into a dead-end wall. Also, if I was going to fight five vamps at once, I was going to need the proper tool for the job. Beside the door, my eyes landed on a tool rack. I spied my weapon of choice. This was going to be fun .

It was one of those weird four-prong rakes that I'm not completely sure is called a rake. A label on the shaft said it was a soil cultivator but I didn't care what it was called because I was fighting for my life. The four prongs were about five inches long and although the shed wasn't new, the equipment in there thankfully wasn't that old, so the four steel prongs were still wicked sharp.

I ducked, dodging the arms of another vamp before rushing for the tool rack. Another vamp sprang in front of me, blocking my way and I paused. This one had bleach-blond chin-length hair. I knew him. I remembered him from when I was in Felix's cage. This one's name was Boyd and he liked to touch things that didn't belong to him. I couldn't fight back then, but I could now.

"How's it goin', Boyd?"

"So, you remember me, do ya?" He jeered, beginning to circle me like a predator circling its prey. Little did he know, he was not the predator here.

"Oh, I remember you alright. See, Boyd, I'm not a good little girl-" He used to call me that, "- not anymore. I don't do what I'm supposed to. See, when it comes to bastards like you, I don't forgive and I most certainly don't forget."

"Well, I guess its a real shame that I forgot your name, then. You were one of my favorites!" He laughed, "Only thing I remember 'bout you now is how loud you used to scream."

I gave him a cold smile and lunged straight for his legs. Grasping his ankle, I twisted and pulled, sending him crashing to the floor. Then I lifted his leg, rolled over, and slammed my arm down on his knee. There was an ear-splitting snap and he screeched like an animal.

"Who's screaming now, Boyd?" I taunted. I sprung up and stomped down on Boyd's throat, crushing his windpipe. As a vampire, that wouldn't kill him which was good because I wasn't done with him yet. I was going to make him hurt. Why would I want peace when I could have revenge? Revenge felt good.

I rolled away when a red-haired vamp took a swing at my head. I bolted for the four-prong rake and brandished it the way you would a staff. The rake was long, about three inches taller than me, but I easily found the balance point. I spun it around in my hand as I circled the other four vamps.

"Mardina, we gan talk aboud dis!" Elwyn tried, grabbing my arm. I threw my head back and laughed.

"No, Ellie. We can't!" I flipped the rake over, using the blunt end to whack Elwyn upside the head with supernatural strength and speed. She was knocked out. "Stay down. You're not like them and I don't want to kill you."

The red-haired vamp ran at me again and I spun out of the way, flipping the shaft again and swinging it down as he passed me. Two of the prongs buried themselves in the base of the vamp's spine, judging by the position, between two vertebrae. He howled and tried to claw at my arm but I easily avoided him. A female vamp shrieked for her friend and lunged at me from the left.

I rolled my eyes. Pushing on the shaft of my rake I distanced myself from the redhead vamp and ducked away from the female's fangs. I reached out and grabbed her shirt, using it to pull her down towards me. I slammed my head into hers once, then twice to daze her. She stumbled as I let go and switched to grabbing the hair at the base of her neck.

"Night-night, cupcake!" I chirped. Then I slammed her face into my knee and tossed my weight over her shoulder, sliding my arm around her neck. I pulled backward.

That blissful crack was the sound of her neck snapping. Jumping up and using the wall to gain some momentum, I twisted the vamp's head all the way around. It was easy with nothing but tissue and tendons in my way. Her body dangled limp from where I held her by the hair, so I opened my mouth, letting my fangs extend, and I bit her head off.

The redhead vamp with my rake still stuck in him cried out and tried in vain to reach me again. It was pathetic, really. Grinning, I wrenched the rake upward, severing the vamp's spinal cord and pulling the prongs along with two of his vertebrae straight through his back. He fell to the ground, paralyzed from the waist down because two of his bones were missing.

Just as I was about to remove his dreadful cranium from his miserable shoulders, one of the other vamps jumped at me, managing to rake his grotesquely long fingernails along my back. I released no cry of pain as he tore through my skin before grabbing me by my shoulders and hurtling my body at the wall. My face slammed against a pole built into the metal siding as the rest of my body just hit the wall. I landed on the ground with a jarring impact that I was sure had broken a few things. But I couldn't feel the pain. I was too focused on my rage. I was seeing red, and for the first time, I welcomed it without fear.

"Not so tough now are ya?" He called out.

My body was broken and yet I stood. I felt invincible.

"I know I'm not tough," I laughed. I wiped away the blood that was dripping from my mouth and nose, looking up to smile pleasantly at the vamp. "But you wanna know what I am?"

"What?"

"I'm insane, and that tends to make up for the rest."

The vamp charged me but I twisted around and Spartan kicked him into the wall. Then, using a few hay bails to step on, I vaulted into the air and brought the rake down on the vamp's head, piercing through his skull and embedding the prongs in his brain. The spray was a little gross but I didn't care. He deserved it.

"You're next, pumpkin," I called to the last vampire left standing in the room.

I crossed over to him and he managed to block my first two blows but then I smashed the blunt end of the rake into his face a few times and he was unconscious. I heard a groan and turned on my heel.

"And that brings us back to you, Boydie-Boo!" I cheered, stepping on the paralyzed vamp's hand as I passed him. I leaned over Boyd who was still on the ground, gasping for air. "Hello, sweetie. How are we today?"

All Boyd did was gasp and choke, he couldn't speak as his vocal cords had been stepped on.

"Aw! Did you get a boo-boo?" I pouted at him.

Then I grabbed Boyd by the throat at lifted him into the air. He struggled against my grasp but could do nothing. He couldn't even beg.

"What's wrong, sweetheart? Can't you scream for me?"

He shook his head and spat at me. So, I threw him into a wall. Boyd fought to stand, using the wall to stagger upright.

"Come on, Boyd! Fight! Are you going to let yourself be beaten by a girl?!" I taunted him and pulled on the fear that was already constricting his mind. Revenge felt so good.

"You-you're not a girl," He panted, "You're a monster!"

I hummed, tapping my chin with my finger.

"I guess history will have to be the judge of that, now won't it, buddy-Boyd?" I dragged my rake along the ground, though all the blood of his friends. There was a wonderful metallic grating noise as the prongs scrapped across the concrete.

"Please don't! Please! I'll do anything!" It felt good to hear him beg.

"Unfortunately," I continued, "I don't think you'll be around to plead your case!" I hefted the rake.

"No! PLEASE!"

"Bye-bye, Boydie-boo!"

I swung the rake upward with all my might and with a sickening crunch I rammed its prongs up through his jaw. I said I wanted him to suffer. Pulling him by the prongs in his face I brought his screaming form over to the tractor sitting at the back of the room. I rammed the shaft of the rake through two spokes of one of the tractor's wheels. All it took was the flip of a leaver to send the wheels spinning.

Turn, turn, turn and scream, scream, scream, then a nice snap, crackle, pop, and then suddenly, Boyd's head and body were two separate objects. I was very happy. Then, the random vamp I'd knocked out woke up and yanked on my hair, throwing me over his shoulder.

I tried to land on my feet but failed, tripping and stumbling backward. I landed on my back and scrambled to get up. As I did, I noticed the perfect white rose that Jack had given to me had fallen out of my hair. It lay on the ground in a pool of blood. Jack said it reminded him of me, of the way he saw me. Well, it wasn't innocent or perfect anymore. But neither was I, so I think it matched me better now.

The vamp rushed me and tackled me to the ground, pinning my arms to my sides as he snapped at me with his fangs out.

Bang... Bang!... CRASH!

The door burst open and light from the setting sun poured in, falling directly on the last vamp's face. He cried out and tried to scamper away, like a rat from a cat.

"It's about time! You guys are late to the party!" I shouted.

"Yeah, sorry!" Dean said from the doorway, "Who would've thought there were so many old sheds in this town!"

I didn't get a chance to reply.

I felt the air prickle and spark, charging with a tambour of power that I recognized but had yet to experience to this degree. I turned my head in time to see Jack, eyes glowing gold, passing by Dean with his hand outstretched. Golden waves of energy shot from his being with a sound like drumbeats from the depths of the sea. The waves caught the fleeing vampire and time around him slowed to a crawl. He was lifted into the air and revolved to face his reckoning. The Nephilim's lips tugged into a cruel grin as he saw the fear in the vampire's eyes.

Suddenly, the pulses of energy stopped and the vampire was flung towards Jack, landing face-first in the dirt at the boy angel's feet. Jack knelt down, his expression seeming to consider the trembling, pathetic thing in front of him.

"P-please!" The monster managed to choke out. "Mercy!"

Jack looked up at me, his eyes soaking in my bloodied face. Apparently, that was all it took. Jack's eyes hardened and he turned back to the vamp.

"You. Hurt. My. Friend."

Jack grabbed the vampire's head in his hands and started to squeeze. The vamp screamed as the pressure increased until his skull just couldn't take it anymore. There was a crunch and a wet sucking noise as the vamp's head collapsed in on itself. I liked that sound.

"That dude's still alive," I said, casually jabbing my thumb at the red-haired vamp I had paralyzed. Jack turned to where I had pointed, ready to squeeze another brain out of its shell.

"Jack!" Cas called from behind him. "No!"

The Nephilim scowled at Castiel and I admired the rage I saw in his eyes. This wasn't my Jack but I liked this version just as much. No, Jack wasn't human, was he? He was more like me than I'd thought. Jack snapped his fingers and the red-haired vamp crumbled into dust. The sight was actually sort of pretty.

When Jack turned to look at me his eyes were completely soft and full of concern. There was my Jack.

"Are you afraid of me now?" He asked in a whisper.

"No," I replied flatly, shrugging my shoulders, "Why would I be?"

"I killed them." Jack hung his head. "Right in front of you."

"Am I supposed to care?" I smirked, hoping my voice didn't sound as harsh as I thought it did. I was just barely beginning to come off my rage-induced high. Jack eyed me with confusion and relief.

"You're hurt," He observed, moving over to me.

"Me? Nah! This is nothing." I gestured at the bodies scattered around the shed. "You should see the other guys!"

"Stay still." Jack placed his soft, gentle, hands on my face to examine my injuries and I felt a warm tingling as he healed them. "There. I fixed you." He whispered. It was more to himself than anything but I still heard it. It made me laugh on the inside.

Yeah, no. Nothing could fix me. I was broken beyond repair. It was my insanity that held me together. Does that sound like the sort of thing that can be fixed?

"Thanks, Jack-Jack!" I chirped, smiling brightly at him.

"You're welcome, Marty," He said quietly. Jack's eyes flicked down, focusing on my lips like he wanted something but wasn't sure how to ask.

"Um, M-Marty?" Sam's voice broke whatever spell the two of us had been under and I glanced over to him.

"Yeah?"

"Did you, uh," Sam pointed to the carnage surrounding us, watching me with weary eyes. "Did you do this?"

I shrugged, jabbing my thumb over my shoulder at the tractor. "Yeah, mostly. But the tractor helped."

"I'm guessing the tractor did that?" Dean pointed to Boyd's head with its jaw still run through with the prongs of the rake. I walked calmly over to the severed head, grasping it by the hair and pulling it off the prongs before returning with it back to the boys. Sam, Dean, and Cas all stared at me with eyes as wide as quarters as held up the head.

"Dean, this is Boyd," I said, keeping my tone as sweet as possible.

"Huh."

"Say hi to Boyd."

"Uh...Hey, Boyd..."

"Good." I grinned as if I was holding a puppy instead of a severed head. "Now let me tell you about Boyd. Boyd liked touching things that didn't belong to him. He worked for Felix and Felix liked hearing little girls scream and cry. So did Boyd. Boyd was very good at making little girls scream and cry, little girls like me. Weren't you Boyd?" I asked the mutilated cranium in my hand. I moved the severed head up and down in an enthusiastic nod, holding it by the hair as if it was a marionet.

"You were very good, yes you were!" I cheered. Then, like the flip of coin, I snapped my focus back to the Winchesters, wiping my face and tone clean of all emotion.

"So, I used a tractor to rip his head off because he deserved it and now he won't ever make another little girl cry ever again. Right, Boyd?" I asked the severed head. I grabbed the head's bloody, splintered jaw and clacked it's teeth together like you would a ventriloquist dummy. "You bet your britches!" I made the head answer, mimicking Boyd's voice.

"D-did he-" Sam stuttered. I flicked my gaze back to him, allowing all three to see the harshness in my eyes.

"Whatever you're thinking, the answer is probably yes."

"Marty?"

I turned to Dean. "What?"

"Put the head down."

I dropped Boyd's severed head.

"Come here." The hunter opened his arms and I faked a sob before accepting the hug. "You weren't gonna tell us about that, were you?" I shook my head. "It's okay, sweetheart. You're safe now."

"Thank you for not throwing me away, Dean," I said softly. The elder Winchester chuckled.

"Don't thank me, Marty. After all, how could we throw away someone so Bad-Ass?"

"Am I awesome now?" I asked.

"You were always awesome."

I laughed and the Winchesters trusted me more than ever. Their mistake.

"Dean, that one's moving," Castiel called our attention over to Elwyn, who was just waking up.

Jack was quick to react, sending a golden blast of power to throw her against the wall where he kept her pinned.

"Wait! Wait!" She cried, "I didn' 'urt Mardina! I swear!"

"Do you work for Felix?" Dean interrogated, pushing me behind him.

"He's my fah'der but I'm not like him! I want du 'elp her! I jus a messenger!"

"Whaddia say, Sammy? Should we shoot the messenger?" Dean asked, keeping his cold eyes on Elwyn.

"No! Please!" Elwyn begged, tears slipping down her face. "I didn' 'urt her!"

"You know, if we shoot the messenger, Dean, it sends one Hell of a message." Like his brother, Sam could turn on the killer inside him like a switch.

"Felix is in Floree'ida, okay? Dat's all I know, I swear!" And it was all she knew because Elwyn had never had a backbone. There was no strength in her.

"Guess its up to you, Marty," Dean said, turning to me. Elwyn looked at me with wide pleading eyes. I regarded her with ice in my own. No second chances. Monsters don't get second chances, I know I never did. I knew I never would.

"I'm your friend, Mardina! Tell dem I'm your friend!" She pleaded. I shook my head.

"You only cared about me when Felix wasn't looking." I was almost shocked by how apathetic and passionless my voice sounded. I watched her without compassion. "You were never my friend."

"No!" Elwyn screeched, "No! I 'elped you! I 'elped you when dey beat you!"

"But you never tried to stop them."

"What?! No!" She sobbed. I smiled at her slightly.

"Go tell Madra I'm sorry."

I sent Jack a nod and with a snap of his fingers, Elwyn was nothing more than flecks of grey drifting to the ground.

Turning around with a sigh, I could feel the eyes of the four others as I bent down and scooped up the rose Jack had given me. I cradled the precious flower in my hands, watching as the blood dripped from its petals in big heavy gobs. It had been perfect once. It wasn't perfect anymore. It would never be perfect again. Or perhaps it could be, just not the right way. Because the blood was oddly beautiful with the way it stained the petals and pooled in the center of the rose.

"I can get you another one," Jack spoke up, "And I'll pay for it this time!"

I turned back to him, smiling down at my little rose.

"No, its okay, Jack. It's a crooked kind of perfect. I think I like it better now."

~All the pretty girls, they find

A way to keep you on my mind

I swear I heard you singing along

Cities pass like candy stores

And you're the one

I'm looking for

And so

I'm just a boy

Who's telling a girl

That when I grow up I'll buy you a rose

When I grow up, I'll buy you a rose~

Lyrics from: Buy You A Rose by AJR

(Author's Note: You may or may not have figured it out by now, but Martina Imogene Linville is insane. MARTY IS NOT THE HERO OF THIS STORY. SHE IS NOT A GOOD PERSON. Marty also had Borderline Personality Disorder before she went insane. So, even at her most stable points in this story, she is not to be trusted. Remember, she manipulates peoples emotions. She makes them feel what she wants them to feel. Any other character's actions may or may not actually be their own. Please keep this in mind going forward.)

[rpbetter]

Sorry if this isn't the place to ask but I'm in need of advice. I have a canon character I truly adore, but I haven't gotten muse or any opportunity to write them at all. My blog is collecting dust and the fandom is kinda dead at this point. Not to mention, it's hard to find compatible writing partners, especially with how picky I can be. I'm honestly considering deactivating the blog (for the nth time), but I don't want to lose the writing I have. I know I could archive, but I hate having blogs just sitting around.

In short, I really want to write the muse/keep the blog but I'm not getting any incentive to do that.

Hello, Anon, it’s totally the place to ask!

I will say, though, that since finding and keeping muse can be flavored rather personally, I can’t promise that what works for me is going to work for you. I’ll even confess that in over two decades, I’ve never personally lost muse. I don’t know if it is due to underlying, neurodiverse style, fixating, or if it is due to keeping myself continually invested in both my muse and writing regardless of what else is going on. (Probably a combination of both, though, and the things I do to keep myself highly in touch with my muse I’ll be recommending.) I’m definitely happy to try to help, however.

That really is a very frustrating spot to be in, wanting to write the muse and keep your blog active, but logging in every day to be reminded of what little reason you have to do so. Since we’re drawn to the characters we are for reasons of personal appeal and writing in itself is a pretty personal form of art, it can also feel depressing on top of the frustration.

However, that’s also the good news, in my opinion, because your incentive here is, or can be, yourself.

You were drawn to this character because you connected with them. They mean something to you, you can relate to them, maybe they have qualities (good or bad) that you wish you could experience. Whatever it is, there’s a reason why you had this draw. Writing is like that as well, there’s a reason why this is a hobby that drew you, that you get enjoyment out of. Again, though all art (it doesn’t matter if it is a hobby) has personal bits of the artist in it, writing is uniquely personal. When you write, you’re exploring thoughts and feelings, giving them life in a character that matters to you. I know, all of that sounds really convoluted and hokey, but it’s true.

And it’s good! That means you always have a reason to write and that you have the tools necessary to find and keep muse without any outside push necessary.

I’d say, firstly, work on getting muse back.

Get back in touch with your muse the next time you feel a particularly strong urge to write. Instead of spending time trying to find people in a silent fandom or forcing yourself to write something you don’t want to, just do some exercises that will help you get back into your muse.

I don’t know what media type your character comes from, but especially if it is something like movie or show that you can have on in the background of what you’re doing, do that. If it’s a comic or a book, think about your favorite scene and read it over first. If you’ve ever made some playlists for writing/your muse, you can always do that instead or as well. The point is to do something passively inspiring while you actively create. Now, that creating...

You want to do something that requires you to think about your muse so you can get in touch with them, not something that is going to make you feel overwhelmed and shut down. So, maybe don’t pick writing prompts for this - you can work up to that. Try out headcanon and character development memes and other question lists instead for right now. Things you can scroll down a list of, find questions that jump out as interesting (or even simply answerable to you at this point, you’re jump-starting a dead battery, it’s alright) and answer them. You can also do something as simple as write down what you like best about the character or their story, or put down the basics of filling in missing information that has always bugged you.

The beauty of this is that it is all on your own terms, your only objective here is to answer what you want, as much as you want. You can stop any time, but you can also answer a single question for three hours, making it eight pages long if the inspiration strikes you. It’s only about recharging your inspiration and establishing a connection with your character again. (This is also going to help you with getting back into writing, or approaching it for the first time, with a more internalized focus of interest.)

When you feel like you’ve done that, you can branch out on these exercises more. Answer the memes more in-depth, answer more of them/the ones you don’t have immediate answers for. You can also try writing out scenes from the character’s canon from their perspective, if it wasn’t already so, adding in their thoughts and feelings, or changing the scene in some ways that would be interesting to write out. This is the point where it’s a good idea to try a writing prompt or two, as well! Take the prompt as a sort of starter sentence from a mutual, you’ve got the situation, fill in with your muse.

Write when you feel like writing. The RPC is great at saying this when it comes to muns not wanting to write, but kind of ignores the other side of the equation. The side where you want to write, have the inspiration and muse to do so, but it might not be the best time. As in, you’re not home/wherever you usually write, with whatever device you tend to write on accessible. No, you’re not going to be able to get as much done, but you can write without the usual situation and device regardless. You can write a scene or ideas down using your phone or tablet, or go old school and use a notebook. If you’re at work and your job isn’t applicable to being able to get down a single sentence, that still doesn’t mean you have to wait 8+ hours to get home; while you’re taking your break, write a little bit. It is a break, and writing is your hobby, it isn’t work. It’s good to do things you enjoy on breaks, and far more fulfilling to have also accomplished something you happen to enjoy.

Not writing when you have the drive to do, putting it off and holding it in until “the perfect moment,” is a great way to lose your inspiration and never actually have that moment. If you feel like doing it, that means it is the perfect moment. Life is restricting, don’t impose even more restrictions on yourself by having to be at home, in a specific spot, with a specific device, at a specific time, on a specific day. Was that annoying repetition? You’re right, it was. And that’s how your creative mind processes all the crap piled onto it that doesn’t allow for creativity.

Now, the other problem, the fandom situation.

There isn’t anything you can do about that, to be absolutely honest. I’m not going to blow smoke and tell you to be positive, wait it out, maybe the fandom will spring to life again. You know, maybe it will...but you could be waiting literal decades for that to happen. Not cool. Please, take my word for that, it’s personal experience that it blows even more than you imagine it will.

What you can do is take the matter into your own hands in other ways; putting yourself out there with more availability in multiple ways.

Are you a single-fandom blog, or are you crossover friendly? If you’re not crossover friendly, try to think of a single, relatively popular fandom that you enjoy. Don’t look at it like a hassle, but rather, just another creative exercise. A serious pitfall of creating alternate universe versions of muses is to take the simplest route, merely picking something you want from that other universe and applying it to your muse with no relevant changes that would naturally occur from it. It isn’t just reductive as hell, it’s not remotely creative, it’s like sticking a sticker on your muse’s forehead and saying that’s a whole different muse. It’s neither attractive to potential partners nor going to sustain your own interest for long. You want this to be a passionate investment on your own end, for yourself.

What not to do:

Let’s say the fandom you picked to do crossovers with is based around magic, the main characters are witches, and they are divided into factions based on how their magical talents display and develop. Not only do you decide to make your muse a witch, you pick the most badass faction. It’s the one full of assassins and action and (metaphorically or literally) sex appeal. Well, that’s also going to be the most popular faction in the fandom. That means there will not only be plenty of big name canons there but also that there’s going to be a plethora of OCs designed just for this universe...and other crossovers from other currently active fandoms.

While that might sound like it’s great for maximizing interaction chances, it’s really not when you’re just starting somewhere new with a character from another fandom that might not be known or liked. It can also take a minute in another fandom’s RPC to identify where the good partners are. Every now and then, it is the most popular and over-populous era/faction/etc., but most of the time, it isn’t. People who write with considerable dedication and talent fairly rarely are in the popular kids club even in their fandom choices. By inserting yourself into that area, you might be bypassing (and being bypassed) by better partners on the assumption that their characters are simply going to bore you to death since they’re not within the scope of your focal point.

It’s not a situation of not being allowed to be picky, you not only have that right regardless of your situation, you also should be. This is not a “beggars can’t be choosers” situation, you’re not beholden to anyone on the basis of being new and bored. However, some of my best, and longest lasting, writing partners over all 23 years I’ve been RPing didn’t/don’t fit with all the exact surface details that automatically draw my interest. It is as true within my own fandom as it is in dealing with crossovers. Opposites (with enough similarities) really do attract and work out well together!

Don’t judge and write people off for anything that isn’t an issue of compatibility with your muse, your writing, or yourself. Decline someone because they do one line only and you are novella, they write topics that are upsetting to you, you can see no way your muse and theirs can interact without instant murder, or because you cannot stand writing with someone who is pulling 90% aesthetics and purple prose. Not because their muse is a witch who uses life-based magic, loves nature, is a healer, and into their health...while your muse in this AU is all about the death, only appreciates an urban environment and is grossed out by animals, kills as an occupation, lives on cheeseburgers and caffeine. You see what I’m saying? Don’t limit yourself unnecessarily!

What to do:

Did you consider if, in that hypothetical idea of a fandom, your muse based on their purely canon self would even fit into that faction? Or is it just something you wanted to see? If you didn’t consider this, or it was the latter, fix that. That’s bad.

If you’re not absolutely dead set on that and only that, think about what really does fit the muse better. Maybe, they would be better as a healer, someone who messes with the very fabric of reality, or someone who manipulates natural elements at will. Then again, they might not even be a witch. They could be more mundane in terms of power, but more accurate and interesting as a normal, human (or whatever). They could even be greatly opposed to the use of magic and witches. Use your muse’s original canon as a base to decide these things.

If you are absolutely dead set on it, though, you have a lot of work to do making the character into what amounts to a markedly different one while still retaining some recognizable aspects of themselves. Consider what events, in this new universe of fandom, might have happened to alter the character thus. Keep in mind that even small changes can have great consequences in a character’s development, and you might need to think about the myriad ways in which that can display, how it changes still more things for this character.

While that job becomes so much more intense when you haven’t planned out a path that matches your muse’s canon characterization at all, it is still an important part of constructing an AU, of any kind, in general. Ask yourself what experiences led to the character you know as you already know them (including your own headcanons, yes). Then, find similar possible experiences within your new fandom verse that can have the same effect. Again, though, it’s important to understand that you are never going to have an identical set of experiences, so you need to explore relevant changes still.

When you do this, you’re allowing your muse to more seamlessly fit into this other universe in a fleshed out, interesting way. Interesting both new partners and yourself.

Okay, next obnoxious question from me! Do you have multiple verses, or are you single-verse?

Whether you are already exploring new fandoms or not, by creating a variety of verses for others to interact with, you’re increasing your chances for interest and activity. When you have a verse from a different fandom you can then, additionally, advertise your presence in both that fandom’s tags when you do a promo or applicable open starter and on active RPer lists for that fandom.

Every popular fandom has such lists. You can get on them by messaging/sending an ask to the blog or by reblogging their post to be added, following the directions. I haven’t seen one yet that doesn’t allow for crossovers. You simply have to tag it as stated in the post, such as “your canon’s name here - original fandom name - crossover.” By tagging your open starter or promo as “-insert fandom here- rp” and “-fandom here- open starter” you allow people in that fandom to find you to interact. Either way is excellent for getting started in totally new places with a character others might be unfamiliar with.

Please remember that if you tag a promo as “promo,” it’ll not show up in searches off of your blog. You know, where it actually needs to be searched. Thanks, tumblr, for being janky! Being more specific as to the fandom and character will help others actually find you. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by tagging it as “promo.”

Make your verses accessible on your blog itself, in the nature of those verses, and how you set up your page or post that lists them.

Don’t put any page behind an impossible or complicated aesthetic. You really shouldn’t anyway, but when you’re needing interactions, it’s actively hurting your chances. Many people don’t want to have to play a game with your theme, it’s a turn off. Try a pinned post that lists all of your links to important pages like rules, verses, and bio instead. It means that, even from the dash, that information can quickly be found while other muns are first interested, and also that anyone who might be using the app can access it more expediently. (I’m genuinely not a fan or big supporter of doing google docs for rules, verses, bios, etc., as it forces people off site, so I can’t personally say, in good conscious and honesty, that I’d recommend it, but you do you!) You want to keep things quickly accessible is the idea here; when people are interested, you want to catch them right then and there before they have a chance to forget and lose your blog.

As to the nature of the verses themselves, give people real options. Don’t have 20 verses that all read same way. Same themes, plot possibilities, and backstories, or incredibly similar names. Have a diverse list of verses that can act as foundations for a variety of different muns. As many fandoms as you can reasonably have a good portrayal of, and different types of fandoms; not all the same genre (all fantasy, all horror, all scifi). Verses where your muse has substantially different goals, occupations, and other life situations that will involve another muse; don’t make your muse A Warrior™ in every verse, you can keep plenty of those aspects without being that literal. People love “modern” verses set in our own universe and, usually, in our own era. That doesn’t mean you have to go stereotypical or otherwise bore yourself by doing the standard “high school/college verse,” for instance. You don’t even have to designate that sort of thing, let alone make it the focus; simply create the verse by considering what your character really would be like if they existed within your reality.

As a final note on verses as pertains to this point, when you’re doing crossover verses, it’s alright to do some verses where your muse from their own canon existence somehow ends up teleported or whatever to another fandom’s reality, or even our own. Just don’t make every verse like this, it puts the onus of a great deal of creativity and effort onto the other mun by default; your muse has cluelessly dropped into the universe, and while it is high drama time for you, the other mun has to babysit, educate, deal with fallout, etc.

On making the list of your verses accessible, you want to focus on ease of browsing and not being overwhelming. People tend to look through a verse page and not read every verse listed, rather, they look at the titles and breakdowns to see if it is of interest, then read it. Don’t try to make everyone read them all, it isn’t going to happen, and shouldn’t change your effort any as the right people are going to find the verses that interest them...if you make it clear and easy enough.

Have a basic format you stick to, firstly. I do it this way: small verse banner, title of verse (linked to its overall tag so that muns can look through the tag at headcanons, aesthetics, pictures of the FC, and threads), muse age/age range, small blurb, possible triggers found uniquely or just heavily within this verse. In that order, one following the other in a simple, but pleasing way. Below that, is a more in depth breakdown of the “verse canon.” Sometimes, that is giving a brief rehashing of canon itself and anywhere my muse differs, be it in this verse only or overall, ending with where my muse is in this verse. Not literally where. I mean their present occupation, emotional and general state in life. At the very end, I provide any other relevant links and/or an expansion on the triggers mentioned at the top of the verse description if they’re that serious/recurrent so that muns can decide this isn’t the verse for them. I happen to have a potentially triggering muse, triggering verses, and writing triggering topics, though. That’s not something everyone needs to do.

Secondly, group your verses in a sensible way. I do my short list of default verses first. (And, I do mean short, you don’t want this be any more than four or five, it is overwhelming right out of the gate.) For me, that is two default verses of canon at different points on the timeline, one default AU that is a bit of a reversal of canon, and one default “modern” verse. Then, I list the verses that are in line with the altered canon one, just different possibilities, changes, points in history. After that, the different “modern” verse options. Then, verses for other fandoms, the crossover verses. And so on. This way, a potential partner can find the type of verse that might appeal to them and have an easier time picking from those possibilities and getting ideas.

Lastly, don’t be so succinct that you give too little information and underwhelm, but also don’t be so excessive that it takes all of the mystery of interaction away and overwhelms someone. It can be a difficult balance to strike, and some verses require more information than others, just experiment a bit. Additionally, it’s fine to link to pertinent information for the other mun to view aside from this, but don’t just link people to a fandom wiki as your “description/bio.” That isn’t giving information on how you write this muse, approach this fandom, or what another mun can otherwise expect. Keeping your descriptions interesting is important, you’re not giving a boring lecture, you’re trying to inform someone while making them hyped for their choices. It’s more interesting, and informative, to read if you do them with an ear to the “tone” of your muse in that verse. Is it a sad one? Sound that way. These can, indeed, function as snippets of your writing, so be sure you are writing them with the same care you should be giving your replies; spellcheck, good word flow and use, mind the grammar, and read over what you’ve written for common, easy mistakes.

Again, by giving a genuine variety of verses to choose from, you’re allowing for a greater reach in potential partners. Everyone from those still in your original fandom to those in new ones, all the way to fandomless muses will be able to interact with you this way.

Finally, in regards to what you can change or do when you’re in a dead fandom and seeking interactions; make sure you are increasing your reach by using proper tags, being honest about what and how you write, and don’t wait for others to stumble across you.

When you use tags properly, you’re increasing your chances of being seen at all. Every time you post something at all applicable on your blog, tag it with relevant things. Tag as described above with whatever fandom it is and “RP,” your character’s name, “open RP,” character name and RP, indie RP, open starter, and so on. Be sure you are optimizing your tags by placing the most relevant to finding you in the first four, those are what show up in site-wide searches only. Anything after that isn’t going to appear in a search across all tumblr.

By tagging your character’s name, as a canon, you should know that you are likely to get personal blog interaction. I’m pretty against being nasty to personal blogs for no reason, as I don’t appreciate personal and fandom blogs being shitty to me for the sole reason that I am an RPer. Please, use clear, short, attention getting directions for them. If you want no interactions with them, put right in the description of your blog “RP blog, does not interact with personal blogs.” When you say things like, “personals dni,” or “personals blocked,” you’re not doing anyone any favors. Personal blogs often don’t even know what the hell a personal blog even is! They do not denote themselves this way, to a personal blog, they’re just a blog. By designating first that you are an RP blog, you’re making it clearer that they’re the personal; they’re obviously not an RP blog, so that must make them a personal. Follow this up in a pinned post, right on top. Give a note to personal blogs that describes them as “any blog that isn’t an RP blog” first, then either tell them in brief what they can and can’t do or that you don’t interact and will block.

I don’t recommend taking your blog off of being findable, however. That’s alright once you have the RP activity you are looking for, but until then, it’s working against you. Other RP blogs cannot easily find you either, they will only find you if you’re on a list or appear in their recommended blogs, if you interact with a mutual, or are recommended by a mutual. You’re not just lessening your chances of personal blogs finding you, so if you have that turned off, turn it back on.

Don’t entirely rely on others finding you regardless, though. You can’t be 100% passive when you have no interactions, and by relying solely on serendipity you’re far less likely to get them. I know that everyone here is terminally shy, but seriously, you have to do more than put your silent will into the universe that someone perfect find you. You have to make this happen. Once you get a few people, you can afford to be more passive. Not only do you have some people to write with, you will be more visible to their mutuals, and more established as a presence. I’m not saying this is easy, or that it will become easy, not awkward or stressful, if you have a legitimate issue behind the shyness. Just that it is the only way to really proceed, and I believe you can do it!

So, go looking for interesting blogs. Be crossover and OC friendly (again, this doesn’t mean “accept everyone,” there are valid reasons for not accepting people you won’t work out with that have nothing to do with their fandom or being an OC), and search those fandom’s RPCs, following any blogs you think you might work out with upon reading their rules and other pages. Search for fandomless OCs and do the same thing. Fandomless OCs aren’t just floating around in the ether, they just weren’t created expressly for a particular fandom and within its confines. What is excellent about that is their ability to have a wide variety of verses and many possibilities to fit into any fandom or verse. So, don’t count them out solely on the basis of being an OC and fandomless. It doesn’t mean what people seem to think it does!

Do not stop at having followed 50 blogs. I mean, other than that you probably should stop following people for a bit. That you should do, as you need to be building writing relationships here, not following so many people that you cannot get to them. Don’t just stop at the follow, though. Since you’ve read their rules and information like a good RP partner, you should have some idea of what their interests are and where they align with yours, as well as how they prefer to be approached, if they accept memes right away to start, need plotting, have a rules password. When they’ve followed you back, proceed with interaction!

Ask if they’d like to plot when they have time, you’re really looking forward to writing with them. But...have some idea of a plot, please. It is a serious turn off to have someone message you wanting to plot, only to reply and get “lol I don’t have any ideas, anything works for me/whatever you want to do.” That isn’t plotting, it’s one party coming up with ideas and constructing a plot while they’re being told “I’m fine with anything.” That may be true, but it’s disheartening and a red flag for many people. If you genuinely can’t come up with anything, pick verses that match up well and suggest doing something within them.

“When you have the time, would you be interested in discussing writing? I was looking at your verses, and I think your verse -name- and mine, -verse name-, would mesh well.” Is a good way to start. Once you have a discussion flowing about the verses meshing and the muses, it’s typically easy to organically develop some plot ideas to go off of.

If both you and the other mun are alright with plot-free interaction and memes, you can send a meme any time. If you can’t find any memes on their blog, look for a wishlist or navigation page that shows you the tags for memes/wishlist. Still can’t find it? Ask them if they’ve got a wishlist or meme tag you can look through.

Additionally, if open starters are a thing you both do and are alright with, find some of theirs and respond. Post your own, tag it appropriately to be found in general and on your blog, and reblog it once or twice. Don’t excessively reblog it, and don’t get upset on the dash if no one interacts with it or any memes you reblog. Both are demanding to outright guilting, and not a good way to get partners. Just provide them with the ability to easily interact by making the posts available in the first place and by making them findable on your blog search and navigation.

Provide something for potential partners to see. Since you said you already do have writing, that’s great! That’s content on your blog that your partners can view. However, since you’re also having the issues you’ve stated, it’s likely that you haven’t many new posts. Show that you are active, interested in being here, and how you write your muse (and in general) by posting some newer content. For original content, do a headcanon or some meta, or post about new verses you are adding, the changes on your blog, a promo. For reblogs, things pertaining to your muse like canon imagery, fanart, quotes from canon or that generally express your muse, and aesthetics relevant to your muse are all excellent things to queue.

Use that queue. Not only do very few people appreciate having dash spam of similar content for the comparatively short time you might be around, but also, running these things on a queue means you spread that out for maximum view. While there are hours of heavier activity, you’ll have mutuals who are on at unusual hours due to their life and preferences or their timezone. This way, you’re not appearing inactive, if not outright invisible, to those mutuals. It’s not a bad idea to use a queue tag so that people know if they interact with a post that’s been queued, you might be here to quickly respond.

Ultimately, to fix your fandom and lacking partners problem, you just need to up your availability and reach beyond that fandom alone. Be proactive in following and approaching, decline blogs based on not working out only, utilize tags and fandom RPer lists, have everything on your blog easy to follow and not overwhelming, and have your verses meet as wide of a range of people as possible while also not being overwhelming.

Try updating your promo, as well, by the way. They’re not dead, they just really tanked when people kept making them based solely on aesthetic principle instead of being at all informative about the muse. They do seem to be coming back, so it’s a thing to consider.

Yes, make it visually appealing, it will draw people to reading it. No, do not just use a song lyric or quote with words highlighted linking your rules, verses, bio. Tell people basic info like the age of your muse and yourself, if you are multiverse and multiship, your muse’s canon verse and a couple of big interest verses of other major fandoms or themes that tend to be of interest to people, and what kind of RP you write - one line/para/multipara/novella. Absolutely give links to rules, verses, bio, and either memes, wishlist, or open starters, but give them just like that; make it very clear what this link is to. Put a very short statement of interest on there denoting that you’re expanding to new fandoms and looking for writing partners.

Do not sound desperate, demanding, or devaluing of yourself. Don’t say shit like “because my fandom is dead,” “trying this before I give up and delete my blog,” or “I suck at interaction/writing/ooc interaction/being a person but welp giving it a try, so follow and hit that heart.” (Conversely, calling yourself derogatory things and implying that your partners are too, such as the “we’re all just losers here” shit.) All of the above are not attractive, and they’re not even surprising enough to stand out anymore. It’s another reason to scroll right by that promo because nothing at all was different or of interest.

And as a wrap-up/rehash of the first topic, getting muse back: try starting over at the beginning by approaching the media involving your muse that has really stuck with you emotionally over the years, and exploring and developing your muse again.

Don’t tell yourself you can only write, for example, at home, on the laptop, after 7pm, and with a pop toy staring at you. The best thing about writing, as opposed to so many other hobbies, is that you can do it anywhere! So, do that. Do it any time you both feel the inspiration to do so and aren’t going to get fired or expelled for it. This isn’t work, it’s something enjoyable that does take effort (like literally all creative activities and skills do), but approaching it as though you need to follow novel writing advice from someone who has never published anything of note and isn’t you on the internet, with strict rules for success makes it feel that way. So does being frustrated with a dead fandom, no interaction. It’s disheartening, feels as annoying and fruitless as work often does. You probably need to break out of that mindset, and you can only do it by beginning to allow yourself to be creative on your own terms, entirely for yourself.

Do write simple things at first that you are inspired to do (you can’t get a scene out of your head, or a bit of dialogue), and/or headcanon/character development memes and question lists. Build from there as you get back in touch with your muse, writing things primarily or entirely for yourself still. Expanding on headcanons, doing some meta, or maybe writing out a missing piece of canon or what you’d be interested in seeing happen in canon if some event was altered.

Doing this sort of thing, you are getting in touch with your muse again and back into the real spirit of writing creatively, simultaneously.

Whatever you find most inspiring, do it. If it’s watching the movie or show again, do that, have it on while you write or simply think on the character’s actions, thoughts, and emotions during those scenes. If it’s reading the material again, do that, and read snippets of personal importance before you write. Maybe it’s some past playlists you can have on while writing, or even while you’re cleaning, walking the dog, driving or riding somewhere. It could even be your own previous writing! Go ahead and re-read that, it sounds like you still appreciate it, and that’s truly promising. If you find that you’re horrified by some of the things you’ve written in the more distant past, hey...that’s not just valid as hell, it’s natural. You know what else it is? An inspiration. You can clearly see that you could do better, that means you now know how to do better and are ready to do so. Validate yourself, prove it to yourself by rewriting or fixing something.

Don’t delete the blog or archive it. It is unpleasant to have a dead blog around, but don’t keep it dead. Use the same blog and simply transition it into wider things that will net you more partners and the interactions you deserve.

Look, even if you weren’t the most popular blog in your fandom before it went quiet, you really appreciated the blog, muse, and writing you were doing. You’ve defined that it wasn’t something you did to cause this situation, you just had the shit luck we all run into eventually of being in a fandom that ran out of material or interest. People are really fickle, so by taking a wider approach and fixing on the writing and muse instead of fandom now, you’re stopping this from repeating. Seriously, on a long enough timeline, every fandom dies or goes into hibernation. If you make a whole new blog with a different muse, it is going to happen again eventually.

So, don’t feel like you’re ridiculously clinging to the past and need to move on, you’re just sticking to something and can continue to stick to it through the next five fandom deaths. Just because it is the most popular thing to do to drop muses, constantly add new ones, and have this attitude that you can “blog refresh” your way out of recurrent, and inherent, problem doesn’t mean it is actually the right thing to do. It’s not even the most sensible, and certainly not the best thing to do with anything you’ve spent time and effort on.

That’s your incentive; yourself, the time and care you’ve put in, and your continued interest in writing and the muse. You’ll find good people, and bluntly, everyone else can fuck right off when you’re incentivized by yourself. It becomes a self-fulfilling activity at that point, I swear, and it feels really nice.

Just get back in touch with your muse and writing itself so that you can begin to expand and start interacting again!

[nothingbutfangirlsmut]

The Girl out of Time

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Background: Willow Roffe was born and raised in Brooklyn. She lived her life as happily as she could with her two childhood best friends Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers. When they both left her to join the military she tried to continue with life but that didn't get to happen for her for the simple fact that she meant something to James Buchanan Barnes.

Rating: Story will be overall MATURE but not every chapter. There will be strong language, talk of both mental and physical abuse, some good ole angst, and smut. There will be a warning at the beginning of the chapter when it includes smut.

Chapter 39

*Two Years Later*

It's been a total of five years since the snap and half the universe turned to dust. Five long years that Steve, Nat, and the remaining avengers have been trying everything to fix what happened. The only one not invested in fixing things was Tony. I couldn't blame him though. He had everything he ever wanted. He had a nice quiet simple life with Pepper and their daughter. He hasn't lost what he loved most like some of us.

As much as Steve wanted me to keep faith in him it had slowly slipped away. I trust Steve with my life and my daughters life but I don't believe he can fix what happened. The people we lost in the snap are gone forever. Everyone just needs to accept that so the universe can try to move on.

"Uncle Stevie!" Sarah shouted as she ran through the complex.

I noticed it wasn't an entirely playful shout or run. She seemed to have an actual purpose. I got up and followed swiftly behind her into the office where Nat and Steve were clearly in the midst of something.

"Uncle Stevie!" Sarah shouted to get his attention.

"Yes little soldier" he sounded exhausted.

"Someone's here" she said matter of factly.

"What?" We all questioned her at the same time.

"Someone's here. I saw the van driving up the road." She said sweetly.

Just then the speaker crackled. The monitor lit up showing us a view of the front door. A man appeared on screen. He looked familiar but I couldn't place him.

"Oh! Hi! Hi! Is anyone home? This is Scott Lang! We met a few years ago! At the airport! Germany. Antman!" The man shouted towards the camera.

Nat, Steve, and I all shared a confused look. Steve took off towards the door while Nat and I stayed back with Sarah. Sarah tugged at my shirt until I looked down at her.

"Who's the funny man?" She asked.

"He's another friend of ours from work." I told her simply.

"Another superhero?" She asked perking up instantly.

"Yea, apparently he's Antman." I shrugged glancing at Nat.

We met up with Steve and Scott in the lab of the complex. The guy looked completely lost and kind of out of it. He mumbled to himself as he paced back and forth. Steve and I shared a confused look.

"Scott, are you okay?" Steve finally asked.

Scott rubbed his hands together as he turned to look at us. He looked completely freaked out.

"Yea" he rubbed his face.

"Have any of you guys ever studied quantum physics?" He asked suddenly serious.

"Only to make conversation." Nat answered.

"Okay, so, five years ago, right before, Thanos. I was in a place called the quantum realm. The quantum realm is like its own microscopic universe. To get in there you have to be incredibly small. Hope, she's my, uh, she was my, uh, she was suppose to pull me out. And then Thanos happened and I got stuck in there." Scott explained

"I'm sorry that must have been a very long five years." Nat said softly.

"Yea, but that's just it. It wasn't. For me it was five hours. See the rules of the quantum realm aren't like they are out here. Everything is unpredictable. Is that anybody's sandwich?" Scott suddenly stepped over to the desk and grabbed the half of sandwich laying there.

"I'm starving" he added.

"Scott, what are you talking about?" Steve asked him.

"What I'm saying is, time works differently in the quantum realm. The only problem is, right now, we don't have a way to navigate it. But what is we did? I can't stop thinking about it. What if we could somehow control the chaos? What if we could navigate it? What if there was a way that we could enter the quantum realm at a certain point in time then exit the quantum realm at another point in time? Like before Thanos." Scott explained quickly.

"Wait, are you talking about a time machine?" Steve asked.

"No, no, of course not. No not a time machine. It's more like, um, yea, like a time machine. I know it's crazy. It's crazy. But I can't stop thinking about it. There's gotta be some- it's crazy." He stopped shaking his head like he was defeated.

"Scott, I get emails from a raccoon. So, nothing sounds crazy anymore." Nat said simply.

"So who do we talk to about this?" Scott asked.

“Tony?” I asked turning to Steve and Nat.

“Definitely” Steve nodded.

I gathered up Sarah to put her in the car. By the time I had her buckled in the others were coming out. Steve drove us to Tony’s cabin which he now called home with Pepper and their daughter Morgan. It would be nice for Sarah to get at least a few minutes with another kid.

When we pulled up Tony was stepping up onto the porch with Morgan in his arms. He turned around knowing who was here immediately. I unbuckled Sarah then stepped back letting her run over to Morgan.

“Sarah!” Morgan cheered happily.

The two girls collided in a hug and giggles.

“Why don’t you take Sarah inside and show her all your toys.” Tony told Morgan.

The two girls nodded then ran hand in hand into the cabin. We stepped up on the porch to talk to Tony. There was a moment of tense silence that was broken by Pepper bringing out a tray of glasses and a pitcher of what looked like tea. Once Pepper was inside Scott instantly started explaining the time travel scenario to Tony.

“We know what it sounds like.” Scott finished when he saw Tony’s face.

“Tony, after everything you’ve seen, is anything really impossible?” Steve asked.

“Quantum fluctuation messes with the Planck scale which then triggers the Deutschland Proposition. Can we agree on that?” Thank asked as he poured a cup of tea.

He handed the cup to Steve.

“Thank you” Steve said softly.

“In layman’s terms, it means you’re not coming home.” Tony said flatly.

“I did” Scott pointed out.

“No. You accidentally survived. It’s a billion-to-one cosmic fluke. And now you wanna pull a.. What do you call it?” Tony asked Scott.

“A time heist?” Scott said as a question.

“Yea, a time heist. Of course. Why didn’t we think of this before? Oh, because it’s laughable. Because it’s a pipe dream.” Tony said in disbelief as he sat in one of the wicker chairs.

“The stones are in the past. We could go back, we could get them.” Steve told him.

“We can snap our own fingers. We can bring everybody back.” Nat told them.

“Or screw it up worse than he already has, right?” Tony corrected.

“I don’t believe we would.” Steve said crossing his arms over his chest.

“Gotta say it. I sometimes miss that giddy optimism. However, high hopes won’t help if there’s no logical, tangible way for me to safely execute said time heist. I believe the most likely outcome will be our collective demise.” Tony explained.

“This is ridiculous there has to be a way to do this.” I told Tony.

Scott turned to speak directly to Tony.

“Not if we strictly follow the rules of time travel. All right? It means no talking to our past selves, no betting on sporting events.” Scott started to explain.

Tony put his hand up.

“I’m going to stop you right there, Scott. Are you seriously telling me that your plan to save the universe is based on Back to the Future?” Tony asked him in disbelief.

“No” Scott said slowly.

I rolled my eyes. This is ridiculous.

“Good, you had me worried there. Cause that would be horseshit. That’s not how quantum physics works.” Tony told him like that was a fact everyone knew.

“Tony, we have to take a stand.” Nat told him.

“We did stand. And yet, here we are.” Tony told her.

“I know you got a lot on the line. You got a wife, a daughter. But I lost someone very important to me. A lotta people did.” Scott told him softly.

“Like a husband and father. You have no idea how hard it is to tell your child that her father was turned to dust trying to be a hero.” I said interrupting Scott.

“Now we have a chance to bring her and him back. To bring everyone back, and you’re telling me that you won’t even-“ Scott’s voice started to rise.

Tony sat up instantly cutting Scott off.

“That’s right, Scott. I won’t even. I can’t.” Tony told him sternly.

I heard the door open and close followed by two sets of tiny feet. Morgan ran to Tony jumping into his lap. Sarah came to sand next to me.

“Mommy told me to come and save you.” Morgan told her dad.

“Good job. I’m saved.” Tony said then hugged her.

He stood from his seat holding Morgan in his arms.

“I wish you were coming here to ask me something else. Anything else. I’m honestly happy to see you guys, I just, oh, look, the table’s set for eight.” Tony said softly.

“Tony, I get it. And I’m happy for you. I really am. But this is a second chance.” Steve glanced at me.

“I got my second chance right here, Cap. Can’t roll the dice on it. If you don’t talk shop, you can stay for lunch.” Tony said then walked into the cabin.

We all sighed collectively then slowly went back to the car.

“He’s scared” Nat said.

“He’s not wrong.” Steve admitted.

“Yeah, but, I mean, what are we gonna do? We need him. What, are we gonna stop?” Scott asked in disbelief.

“No, I wanna do it right. We’re gonna need a really big brain.” Steve said with a small smile.

“Bigger than his?” Scott asked clearly confused.

I patted his shoulder.

“We know a guy.” I told him.

—

[80s-roger]

Not On My Watch (pt 7)

Pairing: Dad!Roger x Mum!Reader

summary: you’re divorced with queen’s roger taylor due to constant cheating and irrational behaviour towards you. but u have one person in common: your daughter, Laura aka your favourite human on earth. Your marriage with roger had its ups and downs but laura was the happiness in it. Now that she’s 8 and starts to realise how your terms with roger are, you finally tell her that you’re seeing another man except her father and she took it really warmly. She seemed excited to meet the new man unlikely your ex husband who accidentally learns about it by Laura, the weekend you would leave her at his place: on weekends you had some cute getaways with R/N because the court decided that Laura could stay or visit her dad on weekends and stay with him for five days each Christmas and easter vacations. On summers he has the right to be with her for two weeks.

catch up: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6

masterlist //dialogue prompts

taglist: @madeinheavxn @namelesslosers @stacymaytaylor @drwse @cherries-n-rocknroll

words: 3,336

warnings: some tense in the middle hehe and woman talk.

It was around seven in the morning. Your head was dizzying and took you ages to get out of bed after blaming the wine for the headache you're feeling now. Roger was a sleepy angel with his blonde messy hair and his back covering his bedside. You had to fix and prepare yourself for work. It's nice going to work from Tuesday to Friday but the work you put in within these eight hours as an accountant in the bank, is exhausting.

"Roger, I have to go..." you knell next to him, softly playing with his hair. His face was turned against yours, you could see him sleeping deeply. What a cutie he was.

"Mmm?" He asked on his sleep, without being aware of what you said.

"Babe?" You kissed his forehead. You haven't done that for ages. Your relationship starts involving again. After the short name you called him, he opened his eyes and seemed kinda lost.

"Wh- where are you going?" He asked again after stretching himself.

"I have to go to work..." you explained.

"I can drive you off." He offered himself.

"No, the public should not see us together, you know, the paps." You narrowed your brows. They always annoyed you.

"Yeah, that's right... I'll have to go to work in a couple of hours too. I'll call you from there. I think I have your office's phone number," he scratched his head and looked at you focused.

"I think you do, yeah. We'll see each other later?" You asked, wishing to be true.

"What a stupid question, of course." He smiled and came closer to you for a kiss. "Laura will be here when you arrive." He slightly squeezed your cheek.

"Nice." you stood on your feet again and attempted to walk away but his hand stopped you.

"Last night was amazing. So refreshing for us, right?" He stated, waiting for your approval.

"Couldn't agree more." You laughed.

"You look so freshly fucked by me, I can see that." He joked and a giggle escaped your mouth.

"Is that visible?" You asked, checking yourself at the mirror.

"Yes, you're happy." He wasnt laughing anymore, he was serious about it and with that, you turned to him smiling. It's true, you were feeling happy. You were happy everytime he gave you pleasure. You give him soul and body, he gives you pleasure and happiness after it. You wanted to feel like that. You needed it by him. You didn't say a word. Just a simple smile to him and it made his day and yours too.

Your work to bank was going to be productive but an unpleasant surprise sooner or later would ruin it all.

At your launch time, you walked with your colleague, Mary, at the bank's restroom, where you can calmly drink some coffee and chat.

"I tried to reach you last night but you wouldn't pick up." Mary started and sipped a little of her coffee. "I was thinking you'd come over at my place to drink some wine and listen to jazz." She added.

"I wasn't home actually and I don't think I'll be again." You nodded your head in refusal while the little spoon you used to mix sugar with coffee was thrown at the sink.

"Wait, you're moving out?" She asked confused.

"Basically I'm moving back to Roger's house. I was living there before the divorce." You answered.

"Holy s-" she was a little louder than she wanted to be but she already covered her mouth with her hand. You made her the shush gesture with your finger. "Holy shit!" She whispered close to you fully excited. "So you two are..." she winked.

"Yes, I think so." You smiled.

"I'm so happy about it, I mean you look happy too, I haven't seen you like this since..." she stopped. "Wait, I haven't seen you like that." She came a little closer to your face trying to check your eyes. "What happened last night, naughty girl?" She winked again and teased your arm. She was open about her relationships to you and so were you to her. She's probably the closest friend you have.

"Mary, that's personal!" You laughed trying to hide your excitement.

"It wasn't so personal to you telling me about R/N's poor sexual skills." She sarcastically raised her brow.

"Yes because he lacked on that, I wouldn't come if I didn't masturbate after-party, y' know?" You hinted and she totally understood. "I wanted to share this problem with you."

"Too pity, he only likes flexing around his cars but on sex, poor guy..." she started. "But you know, I never liked this man. How come you, Roger Taylor's ex-wife and current girlfriend date a man like R/N?" She reminded your standards and she was right. It was all about your image and your dignity.

"I guess I was too hurt by Roger, I couldn't see clearly. I always loved him." You stared at the floor and sipped from your cup.

"And you're back again which is perfect than before. I'm sure Laura will be happier." She smiled.

"She already is." You nodded and smiled back.

"Hey ladies, you have some work to do out there, what's taking you so long?" A colleague of yours, came in the room demanding you to get back to work.

"Sure, we're going back, sorry for that." Mary took the lead and left the room, now both of you went back at your posts.

At the studio

Roger was on studio with Brian and John, fixing their instruments before starting recording. Freddie was yet to be seen so John asked, knowing what was happening. "Everything alright?"

Roger finished fixing his drum kit and turned to John's side, "If you're talking about last night, you better be sure about it. What about Laura?" Roger asked.

"Vera drove them off to school earlier, she said she will pick them up. She'll be in our place." John replied.

"Oh nice then, sure, I'll pick her up, I'm thinking of a fancy dinner with Y/N and Laura at some restaurant." Roger was arranging a dinner with his beloved family, thinking something big.

"Oh, I'm curious to find out!" John smiled.

"Rog," Brian took part in the conversation, coming closer to his bandmates. "You should book a table if you're going to do what I'm thinking." He pressed his hand on Roger's shoulder.

"What do you think I'm going to do?" Roger asked confused.

"Sweet lord," John gasped. "Wait, you're not going to propose her again, right?"

"Why not?" Roger asked in disbelief.

"Roger, it didn't work all this time. Just because you spent two days together doesn't mean you'll be like that again." Brian was negative about Roger's thought.

"And why not? I changed my mind, I was immature, I know. But now I'm different." He tried to defend himself.

"Roger, she might feel pressed if you propose her again." John was trying to explain.

"No she won't, she won't see R/N again, I know it. She ran to me the moment he raised a hand on her." Roger protested.

"He what?" John was shocked. "Y/N would never let a man hit her, what are you talking about?" John couldn't believe his ears.

"Her cheeks were burning when she ran to me and-" Roger was feeling tense.

"Roger, you won't let him get away with it, will you?" Brian crossed his arms.

"What can I do? I am not the one who was assaulted." Roger loudly said, feeling ready to explode.

"Who was assaulted?" Freddie's voice echoed in the studio and his bandmates' gave him a death stare. "What? I'm not late." He arrogantly raised his brow and smoked a bit of his cigarette.

"We were having a conversation about Roger and Y/N." Brian made a briefing of the situation.

"Oh, I'm all ears, did you have sex?" He winked to Roger.

"Yes we did, but that's not the thing." He shook his head in total confusion.

"Alright, alright, what's the matter? I heard about someone getting assaulted?" Freddie asked concerned.

"Yes, Y/N was. He spied on her on Sunday night because she didn't want him to stay there." Roger started.

"Oh, you drove Laura off that night, didn't you? At her flat." Freddie asked, recalling the facts cause he was there that afternoon, at Roger's house.

"Correct. So, Laura kind of wanted me to stay and Y/N made her the favour, but I prepared our ground, I fixed a drink she was relaxed and we ended up making love." Roger felt like missing you right now.

"Oh, that's, that's good!" Brian commented.

"Yes, it is. And what happened next?" John asked, trying to learn all the details. They all wanted actually.

"Well yeah, the next day things were a little awkward between us but in the end it wasn't anymore. That asshole, went at her home, raised a hand on her and my girl ran to my place." Roger said.

"Who the fuck does he think he is?" Freddie gasped. He was nuts.

"She obviously ran to her shelter." John made a romantic comment

"She won't leave it unpunished, will she?" Freddie asked.

"I don't know." Roger thoughtfully said.

"Well, fucking call her," Freddie yelled.

"Stop yelling at me, okay? I'll do it." Roger yelled back and Brian with John shared a laugh.

Roger grabbed the phone and dialled your office's phone number. He was impatient to call you, but at least he had a reason to do it. You picked up from the other side, too busy from your work. "Hello?"

"Y/N?" Roger's voice was unsure and unsteady. He barely spoke to you on the phone. He would call at his early days while on tour.

"Roger? Hi!" You smiled after recognizing his voice. "Are you at the studio?" You stopped archiving loan papers and focused on him.

"Yes, Freddie just arrived." He tried to remain calm.

"Oh, tell the boys I said hi." You giggled.

"Of course." Roger cleared his voice before getting to the topic. "So um, about yesterday, when R/N appeared at your flat, will you sue him or something?" He asked fully concerned about your safety.

"How come asking me this?" You asked confused.

"I was talking to the boys about it, I needed some advice. Will you sue him?" He asked.

"I don't know, Roger. I don't think he'll appear again. Not after what happened. I guess he knows we are starting over." You explained.

"But what if he appears?" He asked.

"Don't panic me, please. I don't want to work in fear."  Now that Roger gave you a reason to be scared, it wouldn't leave your mind that R/N would come again to hurt you. He has shown some red flag signs at the time but you never really paid attention because they weren't a big deal.

"I just care about you, y/n. I want to feel sure that you're not getting hurt or approached by him." His voice lowered but his head was thinking many things.

"Nothing to worry about. I'm happy that you called." You changed the subject trying to talk about something else.

"Um, y/n?" He asked while playing with phone's wire.

"Yeah?" You playfully asked while opening clients' folders to verify their deposits.

"I was thinking if you'd like us to go for dinner tonight, as a family." He finally said kicking out his stress.

"That would be great!" Your eyes got wide opened. You liked the idea.

"Perfect. We'll talk about the details when we get home. I mean, at my place." He clarified.

"Sure. Do you think I should move out?" You asked.

"Yes, come where you were staying first. At my house. I'll help you with that." He offered his help which you couldn't deny.

"Nice then." You said. "Y/n, can you sign these client's papers, please?" A female voice was heard from the back.

"Should I hang up?" Roger asked.

"Yes, we'll talk later! Bye!" You were rushing to hang up.

"Love y-" you hung up and left Roger wondering if you heard his last words. "You." He ended it, being sure now that you didn't hear that. "How did it go?" Roger asked Fred.

"Better than I thought." Freddie giggled.

---------

Recordings today, finished earlier than expected, Queen brainstormed more than usual, making some good progress. They were free to go.

"Should we go to the pub downtown?" Brian asked.

"Sure, I haven't planned anything," Freddie answered and John nodded.

"Roger?" Brian turned to the drummer.

"Go and I'll catch up with you." He smiled and they all left the studio.

Roger was on his way to the bank you work. He parked at the opposite corner waiting for you to finish your work. He wanted you to join him and the rest members at the pub, like the old times. But an unpleasant surprise gave him all the negative vibes he had gathered for a long time. It was R/N who was suspiciously walking towards the bank. Roger knew something was wrong. He carefully checked the road before crossing it.

You were ready to leave, said bye to your colleagues and at the entrance door, the man you used to date for a short period of time stood at your sight.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" You asked trying to remain calm.

"What do you mean what am I doing here?" He let out an evil smile. "I'm here to pay my fucking bills." He was ironic. He didn't mean it literally.

"We're over, R/N. Deal with it." You had to remain quiet and calm. You work there. Gazes started to turn to you two, making you feel embarrassed. You attempted to walk away but his hand stopped you. He was holding a newspaper photo; probably from The Sun, it was Roger and you in it. Oh shit, here we go again you thought. The press smelled gossip.

"You ran to your rock star husband? Wasn't I enough?" He shouted pointing out the photo. It was you and Roger five years ago, exiting a club in the city, but the title caught your attention: Roger Taylor and y/n  y/f/n spotted together after divorce!

"Stop shouting, I work here!" You warned him to stay quiet but he wouldn't. He was risking your job permanent position.

"You don't need to work when your rich husband can give you a luxurious life!" He mocked you and now he pointed to Roger, ready to read the article out loud. "Queen's drummer Roger Taylor was recently reported sharing a not-only-steamy kiss with his ex-wife but a steamy night at his place in West London" Clients and colleagues turned around and saw you standing there fully ashamed and embarrassed. Of course, they knew who you were married to. You really wanted to die. You couldn't handle the situation. "You want me to continue?" He asked with a smile on his face.

"Fuck off." You whispered close to his face and he seemed to enjoy it.

"I think I'm the one who should have said this." He raised his brow. This man is a pure toxic thing. "You take cocks like they're dinner or something, is that your talent?" His voice was louder than expected and all you could do was slap him. That sound was probably heard to the restroom inside. He was pushing the limits and your boss came out of his office, staring at you shocked.

"Mrs Taylor I think you should discuss your personal issues somewhere more private, don't you think?" His voice was strict and you thought that being fired is the most possible scenario.

"Yes, of course, have a nice evening." You tried to walk fastly out of the bank but a gentle hand stopped you. You looked who it was and it was Roger.

"She's not Mrs Taylor. Not yet." Roger defended your place, with R/N, your boss, your colleagues and the clients standing there with their mouths wide open. "Boss, how on earth do you let your employees be disrespected like that?" Roger came closer to him but you tried to stop him. "That asshole right there disrespected your employee and you did nothing!"

"Roger, please stop, I'll lose my job, fucking stop!" You tried to pull him back but he wouldn't do it. "Stop!" You yelled and then he stopped and looked at you.

"I'm trying to defend you." He whispered at your face, he noticed how upset you looked.

"Please. Everyone's looking at us. Let's get out of here." Your eyes begged him to leave as soon as possible.

"And what about this asshole?" Roger pointed out R/N.

"He can't do anything, let's go, please." You wrapped your hands around his arms, not letting go. You walked out of the bank and the man followed you. Oh, shit.

You were walking towards your cars, but R/N wouldn't leave like that, without provoking Roger. He would lose temper in any second.

"According to the musician's neighbours, the previous night was like some Queen concert. Really loud." He was reading out loud the article and Roger looked at him with his one and only death stare.

"Roger please, let's go, don't give him the satisfaction, he's trying to make you lose temper! Don't hit him!" You stopped him. Now people from the bank and pedestrians would whether at Roger and you or R/N.

"What would y/n 's  y/f/n  current partner say about today's hot issue? Can't wait to see more! This couple is so promising. Whether married or not, they never fail to excite us!" He laughed after reading the article. "They paid me thousands for this article. What do you think?" He asked.

"What?" You asked shocked.

"I'm a journalist, you knew that. But I'm also a jealous and a possessive mate, I don't like my partners to fuck around." He came closer to you. He was threatening. Roger would kill him at any second.

"But you hit me. You weren't violent, you despised that." You answered.

"I surely despise violence. But violence brings violence. You betrayed my trust." He yelled.

"That wasn't a reason to hit her!" Roger yelled back.

Paps noticed the drama and clicks were already heard. You were about to be on headlines tomorrow morning.

"But you fucked her! Aren't your groupies enough?" R/N shouted.

"Shut the fuck up! They're taking photos of us and they'll have us on headlines tomorrow, I don't want that!" You pushed him but he wasn't playing.

He was about to push you back but Roger protected you, standing in front of you and getting on hands with R/N.

Three policemen noticed the tense and ran through your place. "What's going on here?" One of them asked.

"He's a random man saying weird things, he won't let us leave!" Roger lied.

"He fucks my wife!" R/n lied back.

"What the hell, you're not my husband!" Your life was such a drama right now, you wanted to go home and hide under your pillows.

"Enough sir, we'll have to keep you at the police station today. You caused enough trouble today. Let the celebrity man with his wife go to the court." The policeman was aware of yours and Roger's status. Roger's fame probably saved your asses for now; Not including your boss firing you the next day, though.

"Um, are you alright?" You asked while hugging Roger.

"Yes. You?" He pulled away to check on you.

"Kinda..." you were feeling upset. You just had to play it cool.

"Listen, the boys are waiting for us at the pub we met, mind joining us?" He whispered at your ear, not wanting the paps to hear you.

"I think I'll need a drink to calm down." You nodded.

"Alright, get on your car and follow me, we'll have to get rid of everyone. They'll follow us." He kissed your lips and that was the second the clicks were heard the most.

Roger smiled at the cameras, acting as if nothing happened and finally drove off.

[finnwolfhard7137]

The Art of Falling in Love-Finn Wolfhard

Chapter Five is here...

Chapter Six: The Grand Canyon

Chapter Seven is coming soon...

Word Count 2k

Warnings: Cussing, Pure Fluff

When you awake, you feel the sense of two arms tightly wrapping around your torso. Some black curls were tickling your neck but you do not move, you simply sigh in peace. You reach down to the floor and grab your phone, viewing the time: 10:13 a.m. You unlock it and text your mother a good morning text. By the time the message delivers, Finn's arms move and he rolls you over. 

Finn "Mornin' babes." He places a kiss to your forehead.

"Morning babe, how did you sleep?"

Finn "Fucking amazing," you both start laughing, "How 'bout you?"

"Really good...I don't even remember what we fell asleep to-"

Finn "It-oh wait…" he thinks for a moment, while you twirl one of his curls. "OH! The Office!"

"Oh yeah! As soon as we hit the bed I was out."

Finn "I know, as soon as I have you in my arms, I am just so content that-" you stop his sentence by crashing your lips to his. He kisses you back with pure love and affection. Using his thumb to trace design patterns on your cheek. When he pulls away, he kisses the tip of your nose as you giggle.

Finn "I think you already know what I was gonna say, don't you?"

"Yeah, and I feel the same way." He kisses you once more, before rolling out of the bed. 

When you two get dressed and cleaned up, Oakes knocks on Finn's trailer door.

Finn "Come in, Oakes!"

Oakes "Hey! How was you guys' night?"

"Really good, and yours?"

Oakes "I didn't stay up past 9…"

Finn "So pretty fucking good?"

Oakes "Yeah dude! I haven't slept that good in a while." 

Finn "We can say the same. Are you ready for going out today?"

Oakes "Uh yeah, I think so. Are we coming back tonight? Cause if not, I need to pack." He laughs.

Finn "Nah we will come back. I just wanna go to the grand canyon! I mean we are in Las Vegas...we have to!"

"I've never been, so I'm down!"

Oakes "Okay, then yeah I'm ready."

Finn "Okay, let's go."

__________________________________

Since we were already deep in the desert, it only took an hour and a half to reach the canyons. 

Finn "We are almost at the park, you guys see it?!"

"Yeah!"

Oakes "You can tell by the way the valleys are getting taller and then deeper."

Finn "Oh, I see where we can park!" 

Once he parks the car, you jump out of the car in excitement. You feel like a kid at the amusement park. You hear Finn laughing at you, making you blush and stick your tongue out at him.

Oakes "Alright, you lead the way Finn. You've been here like what...eighty times?"

Finn flips him off, "No! Like twice." He puts his backpack on his back: that is filled with water's and snacks. You wait for him to get situated and then he walks right next to you, grabbing your hand in his. 

Oakes chuckles "damn..I should have thought this through."

"What do you mean?"

Oakes "I am third wheeling so hard right now!" You laugh into Finn's side and he laughs with you. You didn't think about that either, making you feel kind of bad.

Finn "Here, you wanna hold my other hand?"

Oakes "Fuck you." 

…

You guys walk for about ten minutes until you reach the sightsee spot of the canyon: the ooh aah point.

"Oh..my god."

Finn "Beautiful right?"

"Yeah, I've seen so many photos but nothing compares to seeing it in person."

Oakes is already taking pictures of the view while you and Finn take it all in first. The birds are flying above, some below the canyons. You spot a river and immediately feel the need to go down and see it.

"Can we go down there?"

Finn "Yeah, of course. It'll take a bit to hike all the way down but we'll get there."

"Okay."

Oakes "It is so beautiful out for this!"

Finn "I know! The last time I was here, it had to be over ninety degrees, it was miserable. Today is perfect though."

You take so many photos: some zoomed in and some capturing the whole view. Once you all are done that, you head in the other direction to find a path that leads down to the river.

You three hike for almost four miles before taking a snack break. Where you three settle at, was breathtaking: a curve in the canyon, overlooking the vast hills. Finn sits first, taking off the backpack and sitting it in front of him. You form a circle around him, unpacking the goodies that you guys brought.

Oakes "I feel like my legs aren't gonna work tomorrow.."

"That's a promise."

Finn "Hey, it's worth it-" You look where he points, "Look at our view."

"Yeah, totally worth it babe. Thank you for taking us."

Oakes "Yeah, thanks man."

Finn "No problem. When we go to Amsterdam, we should go sightseeing there too."

"We definitely should! We can see everything because we aren't filming."

Oakes "That's right, I forgot. John literally just invited us...that like never happens."

Finn "Well we're special that's why."

Oakes "True that, we are the best. No one can tell me otherwise." After you guys take a long break, Finn gets up and puts his backpack back on.

"You want me to carry it this time?"

Finn "No, babe. I got it, I want you to have a good experience, not a backache."

"I've carried heavier, let me help please. You've been carrying it for over five miles." He hesitates but eventually gives in.

Finn "Fine but if it starts to bother you, give it back or give it to Oakes."

Oakes "Yeah Y/n, I don't mind taking a turn." 

"Okay, let's go!"

…

By the time you, Finn and Oakes reach the water, you all fall to your knees from exhaustion. You are out of breath and your ankles are giving out. Finn pulls you into his side for you to lean on him for support.

Oakes "Holy shit guys...how the fuck are we going to get back to the car?!"

"Oh fuck.."

Finn chuckles, out of breath "Well it'll just take us longer but we'll get there."

"We have to rest all day tomorrow."

Finn "Babe, I'll carry you all day tomorrow if you can't walk." You giggle and kiss his cheek, when you pull back he kisses your lips. Oakes leaves you two so that you guys can have a moment. He whispers sweet nothings in your ear as he holds you from behind. The river is going slow and the sound is mesmerizing. The water is so blue it is shocking. 

Finn "Y'know that river is beautiful but you are way more beautiful than any sight I have ever seen baby."

"You are so cheesey!"

Finn "Yeah but you love me for it."

"I do." He kisses your lips and then helps you up off of the dirt. Oakes walks closer and closer to the water, bends down and puts his hand in the stream.

Oakes "Guys.."

"Hmm?"

Oakes "It's so nice.." 

"Really?"

Oakes "Yeah..it's not freezing or too warm!" Finn looks at Oakes and then at you and smirks. You all strip down to your underwear (thank god you wore a bra today..) and jump into the lake.

"Shit you're right!" 

Oakes "I told you!"

Finn "God we needed this.."

Oakes "Damn right. I was like, fuck I need to cool off..so I stuck my hand in and I was like...oh hell yeah!" You three laugh and enjoy the sunset in the perfect river. The sky was orange and yellow. Fading perfectly together and you take in this amazing moment with your best friend and your boyfriend. 

Finn "Hey Oakes, think fast!" He splashes him so quick that he couldn't even comprehend what Finn was doing. 

Oakes "Ah, you fucker!" As you could imagine, this turned into a splashing battle. You guys are literally having a water fight in a river in the grand canyon...talk about a perfect evening.

After the swim, you three dry off in the last bit of sun that you had left and put your clothes back on and head back to the car.

__________________________________

Eight full miles later, it is dark out and you three are absolutely exhausted. 

Finn "Well it's a good thing that we didn't have to drive too far to get here in the first place."

Oakes "That's true. I had fun today, Finn. Thanks for inviting me, I know you didn't have to do that."

Finn "Of course, Oakes. I'll always invite you if it isn't our date night."

Oakes "Thanks." Once you get in the passenger seat, your legs go completely numb. You think to yourself, well Finn might just have to carry me all day tomorrow.

…

Oakes fell asleep in the backseat while Finn drove us back to the trailer park. You stayed awake with Finn, talking about how amazing today was and how relaxing tomorrow will be. The radio was low, just high enough for you and Finn to hear. The windows were down and the moon was shining bright. Finn's hand rested on your thigh as he continued to drive.

Finn "Wake up Oakes..we're home."

Oakes "Oh shit...sorry for falling asleep."

Finn laughs, "It's fine man, go on, go to bed we'll see you tomorrow."

Oakes "Good night guys."

You and Finn "Night!"

Once Oakes gets into his trailer, Finn notices your struggle to walk.

Finn "Hey, you stay right there."

"Huh?"

Finn "Just do it." He laughs and kisses your forehead and walks into the trailer while you lean against his old jeep. You wait for him to come out and you look at him confused, until he swiftly picks you up: bridal style.

"Aw babe.."

Finn "I told you I would, babe." 

"You're too good to me, Finn."

Finn "Only because you mean the world to me."

"You mean the most to me, Finn" He kisses your lips quickly and then gets you two into his trailer. He places you down on the bed and starts to head out the door again. "Where ya goin'?"

Finn "I gotta get my baby clean clothes. Anything you want in particular?"

"No, you can just surprise me. Thank you."

Finn "No problem." 

You can't get over how sweet he is to you. He has only treated you with such kindness, love and respect. You aren't used to getting this much love and attention because your past relationships were horrible. The guys were absent most of the time, barely showing you affection. They were barely boyfriend's because they didn't really treat you like Finn treats you. When Finn returns, he is holding the pair of pajamas that he met you in. 

"....Finn-"

Finn "I told you, babe. You looked great." You almost tear up because he is literally the sweetest guy you have ever met. You quickly put them on and he takes in your appearance. "Yup..just as perfect as I remembered."

"You're just saying that-"

Finn "No I'm not, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever met Y/n. You could literally be wearing a trash bag and I'd show you off like you're a model on the runway."

"How did I get so lucky with you, babe?"

Finn "I personally think that it is fate. This is the art of falling in love, angel. It is unpredictable."

"You are so right." You walk over and wrap your arms around his neck and he leans down to kiss your lips. 

Finn "Let's get into bed."

"Read my mind." He pulls you onto his chest and you melt into his embrace. 

Finn "Good night, angel."

"Good night." He kisses your forehead and you both fall asleep holding each other. No show on the laptop, no sound at all, just peace and quiet. 

@moriartysringtone7137 @spidey-starky @mariskata @itlittlefangirl @softiediana @saataanaas @gayreddie @okokdot

[villainsblog97]

Stray Kids Reaction: Kissing a Stranger on New Years

Summary: What's so bad about kissing someone on New Years? Well... it helps if you know who they are...

Warnings: some language and use of alcohol

Scenario: Pure Fluffy Balls of Fluff!!!

Bang Chan

"What's your name?" The aussie asked you.

"Where's the fun in that, if I leave you to keep guessing... you'll stick around a little longer" you smirked.

To say that he was enchanted by you would be a total understatement, you were definitely driving him insane, and the more you two hung out the more he wanted to know you.

"Countdown in 15 guys!!!" A guy called out.

You two met at a new years eve party, you had to help Chan get lose, he told you he didn't really do a lot of partying, but you helped change his mind, when he saw you it was like time froze, you were the only thing on his mind, and thanks to Jisung and Changbin, he finally got up the courage to talk to you (okay more like Jisung and Changbin pushed him towards you).

3 hours lead you to here, you found out he was producing music with his friends and hoping one day to make it big, you told him that you came from a small town and were a city girl stuck in a country world, so you packed it up and followed your dream.

Now you stood beside him, with 2 minutes left on the clock.

"You ever kissed anyone on New Years?" He asked.

"Its so overrated..." you yelled over the music.

The song ended and the Hyped up DJ began to start the countdown.

"Ten...Nine...Eight....Seven" your eyes drifted off to Chan's lips who were counting down with the crowd, they looked so soft and plump, made you really curious of the taste of them.

"Five...Four..." Chan looked down at you and caught you in the act, his mind went blank, maybe it was the rum and coke in his hand or maybe just the way you looked, but his eyes met your lips, and he couldn't take them off.

"Three....Two....One! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!"

"What the hell" he smiled as he pulled you in for a long 2020 kiss, you stomach flipped as you kissed him, he knew what he was doing, and it was driving you wild.

"Now will you tell me your name?"

"(Y/N)", "I'm Chris... but everyone around here calls me Chan"

Lee Know

This boy was already a tease, constantly hinting how badly he wanted to kiss you, but he also had a couple shots, so he was feeling pretty good.

"You know... you're suppose to kiss someone on new years...." he hinted.

"You don't have to..." you rolled your eyes.

"Its tradition!" He protested.

"Its lame..."

However as the alcohol set in, he was looking more and more delicious.

"I will admit, you are freaking hot" you smiled.

"Oh really?" He smirked.

"Little bit"

The guy called out the countdown was about to begin.

"Three.....Two....ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!" you looked over and put your hands on his face and leaned up on your tip toes and planted a big kiss on him.

His eyes widen as you pulled away, but he'd be damned if he was just gonna let you go.

Changbin

After the fourth short joke, he was getting tired of being near you, but somehow everytime he tried to leave, he'd always run right back into you.

"Following me now pip squeak?" You smirked.

"Quit with the short jokes you're not that much taller!"

"Yes but I'm still... taller"

"Whatever!" He threw his hands up and walked away again.

Forty minutes later, he saw you again, he tried to avoid you but it was no use.

"Hey! Quit following me Amazon!" He glared.

"Amazon!?"

"Yeah! AM-A-ZON!!!!"

"You're starting to piss me off!" You yelled out

"That makes two of us!" He agreed.

"Five...Four...Three...Two...ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" you yelled at him.

"Yeah! Same to you!" He said before pulling you into his lips for a harsh, yet satisfying, kiss.

You both froze in your tracks... (talk about sexual tension)

"Instead of Pip Squeak....why don't you call me Changbin"

Hyunjin

He was a flirt, no doubt... he could get any girl he wanted, except you, you were a challenge, and he liked the challenge.

"What is it about you that is so different?" He asked.

"Maybe I just don't fall so easily..."

"That you don't... but still..."

You gave him one last smile before walking away, because truth was, he was getting to you... and you couldn't have that, but at the same time you wanted to.

He was unlike anyone you've ever met, totally gorgeous, funny, and that smile.

Girls kept coming over, hanging all over him, he would politely deny their request, he knew what he wanted.

"Let's start the countdown!!!" A girl started cheering.

Everyone started the countdown, you looked around for the mystery guy, kind of hoping you could start your new year with him, but he was out of sight.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!" the crowd cheered as people started to share a kiss with their significant other, you felt a hand on your shoulder and spun you on your heel, you met his eyes for only a second before he pulled you into his sweet, perfect lips.

"Call me Hyunjin"

Han

Jisung was a shy little bean, he didn't usually talk to girls because it would come out more incoherent gibberish than anything.

But he saw you and wanted so bad to know you, absolutely beautiful was what he saw and he really wanted to know more of you.

"Just go talk to her!" Felix said

"Yeah right... unless she understands jawa..."

"You don't sound like a star wars creature when you talk!"

"No it just comes out h-yo-ah-go-na- bye!"

"Okay so maybe that is a little Jawa..." he shrugs, "look mate... 2019 is almost over! Go now or forever hold your peace!"

A few minutes later, He was up talking to you, not doing too bad when talking to you.

Drinking has helped.

You couldn't help how adorable he was, and how he just melted your heart everytime he smiled, you two spent pretty much the rest of 2019 together, laughing, talking and occasionally staring into each others eyes.

You were falling.

And so was he.

"Ten...Nine...Eight...Seven...Six....Five...Four....THREE...TWO....ONE!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!" Jisung looked down at you with nervous hands and a shaky voice.

"Can I kiss you??" He yelled over the loud music and equally loud cheers.

"Yes!" You yelled back, with that His shaking hands reached your face as he leaned down and kissed you ever so softly.

"I'm Jisung" he smiled

"(Y/N)"

Felix

Felix was having fun, spending new years with Chan at a local little club in Australia.

"2020 resolution!" Chan said as he sat the shot glass down.

Felix downed the shot and sat it beside him.

"Awe why mate... those never happen!"

"Come on come on, just play along!"

"Okay I..... holy..." his eyes widened

"More....religious?" Chan asked

"If my religion is her..." he sighed out as you approached him.

"Nice hair" you smiled.

"Hair.... " he was in a trance by you.

"What my good mate here was trying to say was, thank you! And I'll leave you two to it then!" Chan slipped away leaving you and Felix to talk, you told him you just moved here a few weeks ago and saw him around a couple days ago, you blushed as you told him he had an enchanting presence that made you want to get to know him more, he blushed a bit too.

Few hours later, you two were hitting it off well... Chan stood back and watched his friend like a proud mom.

"So any new year resolutions?" You asked as you took a drink.

"Nothing I can think of... I'm not really a new years resolution kind of guy"

"Oh come on.... everyone has a new years resolution" you laughed.

"Well let me get back to you"

"Countdown in Ten.....Nine...Eight!!!" The DJ called out.

"We better get over there!" You called as you grabbed your drink in one hand and took Felix's hand in the other, dragging him to the crowd.

He grabbed a hold of his drink as he followed you.

"Five...Four..." you both chimed in.

"Three...Two...One... HAPPY NEW YEAR!" without even thinking Felix leaned over and placed a sweet kiss on your lips, you weren't complaining, he was gorgeous, and his lips were the perfect taste.

"You know how I said I'd get back to you on that resolution?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I just found it..."

Seungmin

From the get go Seungmin was hypnotized by you, he pretty much ditched all his friends to go talk to you, but it was worth it, he found you exceptionally beautiful, and couldn't take his eyes off you.

You two were talking and enjoying each others company, when you unzipped your jacket to reveal a Day6 T-Shirt.

Seungmin then knew he found his soulmate.

"You like Day6!??!?" His eyes lit up.

"Of course! Die hard My Day since day 1!" You smiled.

"I love them! Their music is so..."

"Amazing!" You both said in unison

"Whos your bias!?" He smiled.

"Oh hands down Jae! He cracks me up!"

As if you two weren't already getting to know each other, now it was getting serious, Seungmin was falling for a total stranger, he didn't even know your name.

"Hey... I'm Seungmin" he smiled as he held out his hand.

"I'm-"

"Start the countdown!!!!" Everyone cheered as they counted down to the new year.

You and Seungmin joined in counting down with the crowd.

"Three....Two....ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!" Seungmin leaned down and kissed you, then froze.

"I'm sorry... I was....lost in the moment"

You leaned up on your toes and returned the kiss to him.

"Its okay... also... (Y/N)" you smiled.

I.N

When it came to Jeongin, girls were the last thing on his mind, he wasn't exactly scared of them... he would just... run away from them.

However you were different, he was talking with you all night at the party his friends dragged him to.

It wasn't so bad when you started talking to him.

You found out he was the same age as you and only a couple months older than you, but he was adorable, and his smile killed you.

You told him that some of your friends dragged you along too, you were the youngest of your little group too, you both had a lot in common and the countdown got closer and closer.

"Anything you wanna remember from 2019?" You asked.

"Well... definitely you!" He grinned, your heart shook, no one ever said that to you.

"I wanna remember you too" you smiled.

"Let's start the countdown!" Everyone cheered.

"Jeongin! Let's go!!!" Some of his friends came by and pulled him along, he made sure you followed him.

You two stood close and slowly laced your fingers together.

"Three....Two....One! HAPPY NEW YEAR"

Jeongin looked at you with those soft, heart melting eyes, you nodded a little, knowing what he was asking for, he held both your hands and leaned in to give you a new year kiss.

"THATS MY BOY!!!" you heard one of the members call out.

"So... I'm Jeongin" he smiled, light pink dusted on his cheeks.

"(Y/N)"

"Happy New Year (Y/N)"

[itsmyonlydaytobefancy]

11.4.17- journal

HEY SO IDK/IDC ENOUGH TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE READ MORE THING WORKS ON MOBILE SO IF YOU DONT GIVE A SHITB(WHICH YOU PROBABLY DONT WHOOPS) YOU CAN JUST WHIZ ON BY. SORRY THIS POST GOT SO LONG

Okay, so I already made a post about how I'm kinda happysad today. But I'm gonna write about everything that happened.

So, a little after 8 he came to my house to pick me up. We drove to Kingston to see the new IT. On the way up we talked and listened to some of his favorite tunes.

Almost an hour later we arrive at the theater. We park kinda really far away from the entrance because we thought we could go in through a different door. Nope whoops. But it's okay.

We go in and he takes his phone out so the lady can scan his prepaid tickets, which is cool. We hit the concession stand and we get two bottles of water. He insists on paying but I tell him no. He gives in but then changes his mind again saying he wants to pay. I handed my card to the cashier quicker so HA! There 😌. We head into the theater and he asks me where I want to sit and I shrugged and said idk, he then asked, further back, or the front? And I said back. And then we get a row up and he asks further? And I was like idk, you pick. So we ended up going to the top. They were actually really good seats. Especially for a spook like this.

The ads were just getting over at this point and the movie started. I kind of knew the beginning part with the kid and the boat and the clown like SUP GEORGIE. TAKE THE BOAT. But I jumped anyways. I jumped A LOT which is embarrassing. Fuckin spooks. Like, I kinda joked with myself earlier,being like "oh this would be the perfect opportunity to make a move and cling to him like how petty girls do in the movies™️" but I DIDNT MEAN FOR IT TO ACTUALLY HAPPEN. I THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE IT. NOPE. IT DID A SPOOK. I COVERED MY EYES AND DID A SQUEAK AND I FUCKIN LEANED INTO HIM LIKE THE DAMN SCARDEY BITCH I AM. BUT HE PULLED ME IN SO THAT WAS REALLY GREAT. AND WHEN THERE WERE MORE SCARY PARTS HE WOULD PULL ME CLOSER AGAIN AND RUB MY SHOULDER. LIKE. JESUS. HE ASKED IF I WAS OKAY AND STUFF. AND WE MADE JOKES TOO. LIKE AT ONE POINT THE FUCKIN CLOWN SAYS "EGGBOI". LIKE EGGBOI. IT FUCKIN GOT ME. IT GOT HIM. IT WAS GREAT. EVERY TIME THE KID FROM STRANGER THINGS MADE A UR MOM JOKE, WE WOULD DAB. WE FUCKIGN DABBED.

ANYWAYS, THAT SHIT ASIDE, movie was really good. I liked the music. I liked the cast. I liked the story. I probably should read that shit, but hoo spooks. But with words. Spook.

Anyways, we headed out and back to the car, seemingly further away than on the way in to the theater. It was so quiet and not windy. Not overly cold either. He said it was a nice night out. I agreed. We talked a lot on the way back. And we listened to more music. His 2016 favorites on Spotify to be exact lol. We talked about school and what got us both interested in biotech. And other things too but still. He gave me a cute lil pep talk on continuing with my classes. Just to get em out of the way. I'm not totally sure I can do that. I wish I could, just to make him proud, but I think it's too late to save em. I just don't have enough energy right now to write these damn papers. He says he gets it, and I don't doubt he does, but hoo boy my brain has totally shut down for now. I need to get back on my feet. But his pep talk was super cute anyways. So cute and sweet. He means so well.

Eventually we pull up to my house and he pauses, asking if I'd like to drive around for a bit. Just an extra 10 minutes. And I say YES OF COURSE. So we drive all around town. From my house, to the high school, to sea street. We went through the rotary by the package store probably seven or eight times, going back and fourth through town. He kept saying "...okay, one more round" and "okay, only ten more minutes". It was so cute. Like he actually didn't want to leave. AND HE HAS SUCH A LONG DRIVE TO DO TO GET HOME. ITS LIKE TWO HOURS. LIKE THIS CUTE ASS BOY DRIVES TWO HOURS TO PICK ME UP, ALMOST TWO HOURS TO KINGSTON AND BACK FOR THE MOVIE, PLUS THE EXTRA HOUR OF STALLING, TALKING TO ME AND THEN HE HAS ANOTHER TWO HOURS OF DRIVING TO GET HOME. LIKE, THIS BOY. THIS B O Y. THISBOY.

So then it's almost 2 am and we decide that we gotta stop this shit. The night must end. I give him an awkward car side hug and he tells me nah, he'll get out to hug me. He's tall and I was kinda on my tip toes and I kinda tipped over when we backed away from the hug. And then he was like, "oh man, we can do another hug" sO WE DO ANOTHER. AND THEN A FUCKING NOTHER. He tells me that he had a real great time. I agree. We talk about it a bit. And then I told him that he has to come closer because I got a damn secret (this is my fucking trick for dealing with tall people. It's a great idea. Learn from me) and so he leans closer and I do a damn smooch on his cheek. And he was like "ah I was kinda afraid of that happening" and I was like fuck oh no. Hes gonna give me the boot. And he continues on to say that it's hard to like, see where this relationship is going. He said his mental state is all over the place (understandably though! Something bad has happened to him. He's going through a real tough time this poor boy.) and that we live so far away and that we're kinda in the same boat with school and that It might not be a good idea if we like, kinda kept this up? He said he might be able to see me next week but probably not(because of sad thing) and I think he kinda hinted at like, not really ever? Or not for a long while. He said if he stops messaging me, don't be alarmed. He said he'd probably keep it up because we click so well but still.

And then after that talk we hugged again and we said goodnight and goodbye. I told him to "drive safe and stuff" and then he question/mocked me "stuff?". We laughed and we said bye again.

Im just so happy and so sad. Like I get it. I really do. But I just don't want to let him go like this. Like, even if we could just be friends and we see each other like every other week or even once every month I'd be happy. I also want to make sure he's okay. He's so good. It really sucks he's going through such a hard time. Like, I feel like, he's dealing with it p well, but he might just be like, blocking it out? Hoooo boy. I really wish, like REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPE that he doesn't drop me. I really don't want to lose him. I fucking wish I could drive. I swear I'm gonna scream of I don't get my permit on Monday.

It sucks that I have him on my brain so much. And he's gonna be even more in there because now I'm worried. Like, I know my ocd definitely plays a role in things like this, but it's also just like, wow. He's such a good in my life right now. Like, I guess I'm kinda selfish but maybe, he feels the same way? Maybe he just doesn't want to get my hopes up or something? I mean, again, scramble brain but ST I L L.

Anyways, FUCK.