#I even struggle with culture dysphoria to this day

[hiiragi7]

Purple and Yellow-Colored Transness - An Intersex Trans View of Transition

It is strongly my opinion that an intersex lens is fundamentally necessary to understand transness, as much as race, disability, class, & culture is.

Yet, much of the time, when intersex is applied to transness it is used as a fetishization - and use without consent of the used is abuse. (Audre Lorde, Uses of the Erotic)

Our perisex trans siblings so often use us as a tool for pornography, as an object to shove insecurities and pain and desire onto, as a temporary escape from dysphoria and thought, as an imagined excuse to supposedly avoid oppression. Afterwards, we are discarded, much like an object that has fulfilled its purpose.

Intersex people do not exist for the purpose of abuse, incestual or otherwise. Intersex is power, intersex is love, intersex is experience.

As a group so deeply harmed and betrayed by our perisex trans siblings, it is no wonder why so many of us reject any lens which suggests there is intersexuality to be found in transness - I doubt that many of us have ever seen what it may look like outside of as an abuse of our bodies, our identities.

And yet, I cannot help but feel that there is an inherent intersexness to be found in transness. Rather than rejecting this, erasing this, I feel it is absolutely necessary to embrace without conflating or fetishizing this. This is not to say, however, that we are one in the same; in fact, within our differences is where I find a lot of our power lies. It is our ability to share experiences without using one another which is vital.

I struggle with this feeling, knowing so much more work must be done, knowing it cannot be fully expressed yet.

When my trans sibling is excited over newly developing traits we now both share, I would love to partake in that joy not only as trans joy but a joy of intersex traits as well. When sex characteristics I have been shamed for my entire life for having naturally becomes something which another person not only seeks out but actively falls in love with as it happens, is this truly only trans love? Is it not also an intersex love?

And yet, at the same time, I find myself choosing my words carefully; I fear they will be stolen from me, used as a weapon against myself and my community. We are still made so fetishized, so invisible, so abused, even amongst siblings. Because of this, I fear the answer to my question is that we are not yet at a point where trans love is an intersex love, but rather what I am seeing is a trans love of traits detached from any intersexuality at all. Even in cases where our bodies may look so similar, you don't see all of me - You only know me as trans, never intersex. You only know my variant sex characteristics as something possible through transition or pornography, and have erased any mention of me in them.

I see my trans self reflected in my intersex self, and my intersex self reflected in my trans self. My body no longer produces its own hormones; I get mine from a clinic that provides gender affirming care for trans people, the same place where just two days ago I had to spend time educating a nurse who learned the word intersex for the first time that day because of me. The surgeries which I both have gotten and will get in the future are both as trans as they are intersex. The letters from my doctors to appease insurance say I am transitioning and that this is a requirement for treatment of gender dysphoria, some of my medical papers say I am intersex and seeking a urethral reconstruction. Both of these hold truth to them.

There are intersex people and trans people who share scars in the exact same places, from procedures which were similar, but were done for different reasons. One grieves where the other celebrates. One tells a story of their identity being stolen from them, one tells a story of finally being able to be themselves. In some cases, both of these are the same people at different points in time in their life.

[spiderfreedom]

my suffering is profound and legitimate, yours is frivolous nonsense

Just reading a blogger I like but I had to laugh because she was talking about how beauty practices are bad for women's mental health, and she left a note saying "unlike gender affirming care! gender affirming care improves people's mental health and it's nothing at all like cosmetic practices."

TIL, when an older woman gets botox to remove her wrinkles and avoid facing the inevitability of decline and death, her problem is spiritual/structural and she needs to Do The Work to deprogram her ageism, unlike people with dysphoria, who of course have legitimate claims to cosmetic alteration.

And it is cosmetic - no part of the body that is altered by HRT or SRS or any of the feminization/masculinization surgeries is failing to function or functioning poorly. The problem is with the brain, which perceives the body parts as foreign or undesirable. We may sympathize with someone struggling with such a condition, but that does not change that the body parts being altered were already healthy and the alterations are cosmetic, and the relief being brought about is mental.

But plenty of trans people openly admit that separating body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria is a losing game. Contrapoints's video on "Beauty" (transcript) has the observation that she feels least dysphoric when she is meeting feminine beauty norms:

But I also think that trans people often talk like gender dysphoria is this intrinsic, personal experience that's always 100% valid and never has anything at all to do with the external pressure of beauty standards. But in fact, gender dysphoria is not sealed away in a vacuum away from the influence of societal ideals and norms.  [...] When I try to psychoanalyze myself, I find that my desires to look female, to look feminine, and to look beautiful are not exactly the same, but they're woven together so tightly that it's kind of difficult to untangle them. And the opposite is also true, that for me feeling mannish or dysphoric usually goes along with feeling ugly. I don't have a lot of days where I walk out the house thinking "well, I'm giving femme queen realness, but apart from that I look like absolute shit". 

Max Robinson's book "Detransition," from an FTM perspective, points out how the prospective trans man views his suffering as unique from and distinct from women's, even as the surgeries they seek are not especially different:

The stereotypical cosmetic surgery patient is seeking to become closer to being perfectly feminine - she wants to be beautiful. Transitional cosmetic surgery, on the other hand, is widely understood to mark the patient as ex-female and therefore unfemale; this is part of the meaning FTMs seek to create through surgery. FTM desire for cosmetic surgery is positioned as something totally different than the stereotype of a woman who 'merely' seeks beauty at her frivolous leisure. FTMs are deemed to have a rare affliction that needs urgent, life-saving treatment. Conversely, there is nothing more common than for a woman to become obsessed with her socially-deemed 'unsatisfactory' looks and desperately seek to change them, believing that such a change is the only thing that can restore her quality of life. This comparison will feel like an insult to the FTM. It will feel that way because we believe other women's suffering doesn't matter, and recognize how much ours does. Women's suffering is ordinary but ours is extraordinary. For us to matter, we must be differentiated from the silly little woman who wants to be pretty so badly she'll pay thousands of dollars (now billable to credit cards and loan programs designed to pay for elective surgeries!) to risk her life and health. These women don't need to be fixed; we do. FTMs know that we don't deserve a woman's fate but have not yet realized that no woman does.

I have more to write on the topic of the relationship between gender identity and beauty culture, but I'll end this one here. It makes sense that somebody who is identified with the opposite sex would also be affected by the standards of beauty expected of that sex. (Non-binary identification is more complicated and requires separate treatment.)

[butch-reidentified]

I notice a lot of radfems claiming that trans community is a cult now that I'm in gender critical spaces and I guess I can see why because they silence dissenting opinions and keep engaging in their homophobia, ignorance of sex based oppressions, supporting problematic people and etc. When I was in the trans community, they say that radfems are a cult. I don't know why that is though. Do you know why they say that radfems are a cult? I just think radfems don't want trans people to promote misogyny, homophobia and whatever bigotries they keep spouting

I've seen that once or twice when I was in trans spaces too. It doesn't make sense to me either, but I can't say I'm surprised since every single other thing they believe about radical feminism is also laughably inaccurate.

Looking at these images, and going through each point in context of radical feminism vs transactivism, there's a lot that's interesting. Where we encourage critical thinking, doubt, questioning, and dissent, TRAs actively discourage and punish it. They no longer even tolerate trans people who disagree on very minor matters - I remember when it was generally agreed upon in trans spaces that dysphoria was a defining aspect of being trans & everyone made fun of "tumblr genders." Now, the "truscum," "transmed," and old-school transsexual types are also called transphobic bigots and told they aren't welcome.

We have no involvement or desire to interfere in other radfems' family or personal lives; transactivism often encourages people to cut off family members for minor infractions like questioning anything about the person's transition or identity, not adjusting quickly enough to new pronouns/name, and the like. TRAs have often claimed parents who do any of those things are transphobic and abusive. TRA culture also frequently encourages trans people to socially engage primarily with other trans people (but only the ones who share their views!), date other trans people, live with like 7 other trans roommates, etc. Most trans people I knew who subscribed to the full gender ideology package rented a place with 2 or 3 other genderist roommates. They also discourage relationships of any kind, including friendship, with anyone who doesn't fully share the genderist perspective.

TRAs certainly view "any outside criticism as proof of persecution." I don't know any radfems who have an issue with criticism of radical feminism (that isn't straight up misogyny ofc). "Outsiders who question the group are hostile enemies or inherently evil" is transactivism to a fucking T. Radfems don't claim anyone is inherently evil, and idk any radfem who thinks that outsiders who question or disagree with radical feminism are hostile enemies. I doubt many even feel that way about TRAs; we just don't tolerate misogyny. I don't think they're inherently evil or anything lmao. In fact, most radfems I've known actually have a lot of empathy for people who struggle with dysphoria, gender nonconformity, mental health issues, etc.

"The leader's transgressions are explained away or ignored." In many of these quotes, if you swap "the leader" for "trans women" or male nonbinaries, you'll notice it's pretty dead on. Eli Erlick for example, or Sophie Labelle, and so many more. They will defend a serial rapist transwoman over a gender critical MTF transsexual any day, and that's pretty culty behavior to me - not to mention it proves that this isn't about literally being trans, but about the ideology. Though they will usually take a trans woman's side in any situation, if the trans woman does not subscribe to gender ideology, they'll demonize and attack instead. In rad spaces on the other hand, I see women consistently held accountable when they do something wrong, and if it's a serious moral transgression, they'll be kicked out of the space no matter how popular or influential they were.

"Unquestioning commitment" to the ideology and "practices are the binding truth and law" (insert binding joke here). Extreme "polarized us vs them mentality" and "black-and-white views and right-or-wrong thinking with no gray areas." All of this is accurate of transactivism. I have not experienced or witnessed this type of thinking in rad spaces.

"Leaders use deception both to the public and to its own members." I mean the entire ideology is based on deception and denial of reality. Gaslighting is fundamental to convincing people that sex isn't real/can be changed, that sexual orientation is based on attraction to people's invisible internal identities and is inherently fluid and has nothing at all to do with sex or really any physical traits, that women/girls are oppressed because they identify as female or because patriarchy hates femininity (I've seen them claim "masc privilege" is a thing and butch lesbians benefit from it wayyy too many times) - or that women & girls are not oppressed at all. Flaunting that you've had sex with someone without disclosing that you're trans (aka deception) is fairly common in some of the more extreme genderist spaces as well. I'm not sure how this could possibly apply to radical feminism. We are generally pretty committed to accuracy and reality, and deception is not in line with those values at all.

"Members are discouraged from getting information from non-group sources." This one actually lowkey gave me chills bc it's really true. We all know they don't understand what radfems actually believe, they have block lists and block radfems/gender critical people on sight, even in the absence of any negative interaction. A whole lot, if not most, of the statistics and data they like to cite are from their own organizations, or even from information someone spread on social media years and years ago and everyone just doesn't question its authenticity or origins. "Non-group sources are held to be liars with sinister motives." That's practically word for word how they react to statistics, info, etc., from non-trans organizations. And gender critical people certainly know how often they call us liars and insist we want trans people dead. These especially don't apply to radical feminism. We encourage engaging with all kinds of people and content, and we don't rely on or use data/information from other radfems or radfem organizations much at all.

Now, regarding the point about special vocabulary/shorthand/buzzwords. Both TRAs and radfems use such things. However, radfems do not use them to "substitute for rational analysis." But a mantra like TWAW is exactly that. Even "TERF" and "transphobic" are thrown around extremely quickly and easily, in situations where they often don't really apply, and the intention underlying that is putting an end to any doubt/questioning going on, shutting it down by claiming bigotry.

Using "shame, guilt, and/or fear to influence and control members" absolutely doesn't happen in radfem spaces. Not that I've ever seen or heard about. It was definitely something I experienced a lot of in trans spaces, though.

I don't have the energy to do any more of these breakdowns of the points, sorry. But you get the idea. Additionally, TRAs tend to make it their entire identity and lifestyle. It's all-consuming. Not to mention there's no such thing as wrongthink in radical feminism like there is with genderism. I don't constantly monitor and police my own thoughts and feelings for "problematic" ones like I did when I was involved in all that gender stuff. Plus, they actively seek to recruit people, especially young, mentally ill, traumatized, and/or otherwise vulnerable people. Radical feminism doesn't really recruit at all; women and girls tend to find it themselves most times.

I hope this more or less answers your question

[brucewaynehater101]

ok here's another wingfic au but taking it in the opposite direction from the last one. (different person from the original op btw)

what if tim and all of the bats did have wings but instead of the surgeon adding wings they actually removed them from tim?

now tim has to deal with the experience of losing his wings and not being able to fly anymore. maybe it took away his instincts so he can't reciprocate anymore despite once being able to do so with ease. or maybe he still has his instincts but the others find it hard to reach out to him now that he doesn't have wings anymore.

but tim is a stubborn fuck so what if we combined this with that one fake wing au where tim learns to build his own wings bc he refuses to never be able to fly again.

and maybe tim manages to pull it off to the point where no one even knows that tim ever lost his wings in the first place until it's revealed in a traumatizing manor idk.

the fake wing fic i was talking about is called "Loading and Aspect Ratio" by JUBE514

Oof. For some reason, I can't read fics where someone loses their wings. It's such an important part of their identity and being that losing it causes an insurmountable amount of grief. To me, I imagine it to be similar to a vital part of someone's culture being taken away from them (like forcibly cutting hair for some cultures or preventing someone from having access to an important part of their identity).

However, I would so be down for a fic where, after Tim loses his wings, he creates prosthetics. It would not be the same, but Tim could learn to find himself again in the pile of wires and metal he fashions into his ability to fly again.

I think this prospective fic could have many different themes it could address:

One, Tim would probably be pissed at people treating him as fragile or lesser because he lost his wings. This could be a great allegory to how people treat disabled individuals, especially after an incident that changes the person's ability. It could also address how folks interact with people who have gone through traumatic and life changing events.

Two, the experience is going to absolutely suck for Tim. Even when he creates new wings, it's not going to fix everything. They will probably cause him pain, the scars will hurt, he will be going through all the stages of grief rapidly and repeatedly, and they might malfunction. There will be days he destroys his wings in anger and despair. Sometimes, he won't leave his lab, won't get out of bed, or refuses to eat. He might get dysphoria or imposter syndrome, might lash out at loved ones, and will probably isolate. It will be a very rough transition for him.

Three, there might be social stigma against "fake" wings. Maybe it would ping the others' instincts wrong. They might struggle connecting with Tim before and after he gets the prosthetics. I would also imagine that Tim would need to implant a chip into his body/spine/brain (idk robotic prosthetic science) to have the wings work correctly. I doubt he would tell them before doing it.

Eventually, his family would rally to support Tim's choice for the fake wings. It's the dealer's choice on whether Timothy Drake is known for his fake wings or not. On one hand, Tim could be the face of WE's prosthetics department and providing support for people who have lost their wings (and he could address the lack of Cyborg rights currently in law [companies can reclaim prosthetics if you go bankrupt effectively taking a part of you]). On the other hand, it could address how people don't have to publicly embrace aspects of their identity. They are a person with unique experiences and don't need to fit themselves into boxes or become the poster child of a movement (it sucks, but sometimes embracing your identity means you get limited down to that subjective experience in how people see and identify you).

If the Waynes don't know about Tim getting his wings taken away and then replaced, that kind of reminds me of a fic I read where Tim's arm was replaced. He built it with YJ and his family didn't find out for years. I don't remember the name, but it was really good.

I haven't read that fic you mentioned, but now I'm excited to check it out ^^

[aspd-culture]

I apologize, i know this is a “culture is” blog but i was wondering if you had any tips on unmasking? Its a huge struggle for me and its effecting my treatment and mental health severely.

This culture is blog definitely is in massive part a place to ask and answer questions too, no worries at all!/gen

The biggest thing for me that helped was first working on the masked piece that told me I was supposed to give a fuck about what people thought of me. I learned that manually over a long period of time, having next to no sense of embarrassment as a child and early teen. I found that once I got back to "I really don't give a fuck if you like me or think I'm a shit person or what, and if you think I should be constantly putting on some act for you, then you're an exhausting person and I'm glad to see you leave my life so bye", the rest of unmasking has come easier.

The second biggest thing builds on this; making sure you're not filling your life, especially your personal relationships which are supposed to be caring, supportive, and filling your battery vs draining it, with people you can't unmask around. Massive red flag if they can't get past the easy symptoms like flat affect and need for emotions being clearly communicated after a conversation or two and maybe some reassurance if they are more sensitive or have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. If the people you value push you to hide your disorder, you will no matter how hard you try not to. ASPD makes us cling tighter to bad people sometimes, because we know that we hate the social dance of trying to find someone else even remotely trustworthy, let alone that we can tolerate spending time around. This goes 10x for any Exceptions.

The third is letting yourself get a little angry. You shouldn't be spending your energy trying to hide symptoms you never asked for and that hurt you more than anyone else. This disorder doesn't show up without the failure of *at minimum* a few adults in your life for many years without resolving it. If they don't like you being like this, then maybe they should have done their job. It isn't your job to hide their mistakes. It isn't your job to hide their *failure* to do a simple job of keeping a kid safe and secure. If you look up the percentage of needs being met that leads to a secure attachment style (which ASPD is not compatible with), you probably will find the getting mad portion of unmasking pretty easy. The bar was in hell and the majority of the adults supposed to take care of you in your childhood played limbo. That's worth being upset about.

To be clear, this isn't the go ahead or encouragement to get violent, abusive, or destructive, but if your symptoms are inconveniencing someone vs hurting them, then fuck it. You deserve to breathe and just *be* sometimes instead of starring in Normal Person, Director's Cut all day every day.

Once I got those things under my belt, most of the rest of unmasking for me has just been reminding myself that I will burn out if I keep making myself fit in a box that does not fit me. It was not my choice to end up a square while everyone else is a circle, and no matter how much it might bug anyone, that won't make a square fit through the circle hole.

Just in case no one else in your life says this to you, I will. You deserve at least some amount of time - and while sleeping does *not* count - without the mask at least some of every day (with maybe exceptions for like the occasional holiday with family or work trip or anniversary or something) without masking. There are plenty of symptoms of this disorder that do not cause harm to anyone, they just don't like it because they aren't used to it (for example flat affect) or because it causes them to have to put some effort in (for example, needing to communicate their emotions vs playing a bs game of Guess Who? with the clues read in a language you don't understand). Those symptoms can and should be unmasked sometimes.

Plain text below the cut:

This culture is blog definitely is in massive part a place to ask and answer questions too, no worries at all!/gen

The biggest thing for me that helped was first working on the masked piece that told me I was supposed to give a fuck about what people thought of me. I learned that manually over a long period of time, having next to no sense of embarrassment as a child and early teen. I found that once I got back to "I really don't give a fuck if you like me or think I'm a shit person or what, and if you think I should be constantly putting on some act for you, then you're an exhausting person and I'm glad to see you leave my life so bye", the rest of unmasking has come easier.

The second biggest thing builds on this; making sure you're not filling your life, especially your personal relationships which are supposed to be caring, supportive, and filling your battery vs draining it, with people you can't unmask around. Massive red flag if they can't get past the easy symptoms like flat affect and need for emotions being clearly communicated after a conversation or two and maybe some reassurance if they are more sensitive or have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. If the people you value push you to hide your disorder, you will no matter how hard you try not to. ASPD makes us cling tighter to bad people sometimes, because we know that we hate the social dance of trying to find someone else even remotely trustworthy, let alone that we can tolerate spending time around. This goes 10x for any Exceptions.

The third is letting yourself get a little angry. You shouldn't be spending your energy trying to hide symptoms you never asked for and that hurt you more than anyone else. This disorder doesn't show up without the failure of *at minimum* a few adults in your life for many years without resolving it. If they don't like you being like this, then maybe they should have done their job. It isn't your job to hide their mistakes. It isn't your job to hide their *failure* to do a simple job of keeping a kid safe and secure. If you look up the percentage of needs being met that leads to a secure attachment style (which ASPD is not compatible with), you probably will find the getting mad portion of unmasking pretty easy. The bar was in hell and the majority of the adults supposed to take care of you in your childhood played limbo. That's worth being upset about.

To be clear, this isn't the go ahead or encouragement to get violent, abusive, or destructive, but if your symptoms are inconveniencing someone vs hurting them, then fuck it. You deserve to breathe and just *be* sometimes instead of starring in Normal Person, Director's Cut all day every day.

Once I got those things under my belt, most of the rest of unmasking for me has just been reminding myself that I will burn out if I keep making myself fit in a box that does not fit me. It was not my choice to end up a square while everyone else is a circle, and no matter how much it might bug anyone, that won't make a square fit through the circle hole.

Just in case no one else in your life says this to you, I will. You deserve at least some amount of time - and while sleeping does *not* count - without the mask at least some of every day (with maybe exceptions for like the occasional holiday with family or work trip or anniversary or something) without masking. There are plenty of symptoms of this disorder that do not cause harm to anyone, they just don't like it because they aren't used to it (for example flat affect) or because it causes them to have to put some effort in (for example, needing to communicate their emotions vs playing a bs game of Guess Who? with the clues read in a language you don't understand). Those symptoms can and should be unmasked sometimes.

[monsterkin-culture-is]

Im not good with asks but please may we have some zombie kin help? I've just been struggling with it grrrr , thank you . -📼

Sorry for the delayed response!

This is my first time doing kin tips so it might be a little hit-or-miss but see if any of these are helpful! I'm assuming this is in the context of ways to combat dysphoria/incorporate your kintype more into your daily life.

Raw Meat Diet: Obviously human flesh and raw meat isn't a viable option here unfortunately. @/forests-creatures created a good list of alternatives: Beef jerky, rare steaks, safe raw salmon & dried fruits. For sweet options, I'd say the red tongue-staining lollipops could work, as well as pink or red chocolate & red popping candy. Please research that what you're eating is safe beforehand! Tumblr is not a reliable resource.

Sunglasses & Sunhats: This tip was inspired by a similar vampires list! I'm not sure if your specific zombie kintype has a sensitivity to sunlight or is associated with the night but if so, incorporating sunglasses or tinted glasses into your day-to-day wardrobe might be an option! Sunhats don't blend in as well in the winter but there are rain & sun hats such as Tilley hats and other alternatives which you could use instead.

SFX Makeup: I used to do a lot of this a few years back! I absolutely encourage you to learn special effects makeup to create wounds or even just look a little more corpse-like. This is definitely not for the day-to-day but it's a fun hobby if you're okay getting a little messy! It can also lead into a potential career path. You can do some pretty effective stuff with some fakeblood, toilet roll, glue & foundation so it doesn't always have to be pricey. It's almost halloween so it should be the best time of year to gather supplies!

Apocalyptic Wardrobe: Ripped jeans are your friend!! I know not everyone loves skinny jeans (I certainly don't) so don't be afraid to find an old/cheap pair of cargos or wide leg trousers and make your own tears with some scissors. I'd recommend arm/leg warmers & fingerless gloves, which shouldn't look out of place now we're coming into autumn. Handkerchiefs can also look a lot like bandages. If you like to present more femininely, then messy ribbons & colourful braids in your hair can give the desired vibe.

Try Meditation: Zombies are sort of known for their head-empty, distant feeling from being undead so a healthy way of manifesting that could be through meditating! It's definitely a challenging skill to build but following a youtube guided meditation is a good place to start. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if there were themed ones! (Maybe that's a new business idea for me... horror meditation...)

Go on a walk/hike: This is a common kin tip via the idea of connecting with nature. However, I think it works especially for zombiekin because you can recreate that feeling of solitude from the apocalypse.

Onto the more generic advice! I always recommend making a moodboard for your kin, which you can then use as the cover for a kin spotify playlist. Watching movies of your kintyoe is a common recommendation. In this instance I'd say include other apocalypse films/tv too!

A generic but less common tip is (if it's your sort of thing) make an oc/kinsona for your kintype and play as them in a game or roleplay as them online.

I hope a couple of those ideas were helpful! Let me know if you try any. Also thank you for your other culture-is submission, I'll add it to the queue!

If I have completely misunderstood your ask please send another one and I'll see how I can help!

[thenightfolknetwork]

Im a nypmh. A forest nymph specifically. My days are spent dancing and singing and existing in the forest I was born to. Its great really. My forest is even protected so I dont need to worry about any sapios coming in an bothering me!

But Im also trans. Im a guy. But nymphs are supposed to be feminine and Im. Not. Ive already felt myself loosing connection with this forest as I begun transitioning. Im scared that if I fully transition, Ill lose it entirely. Can that happen? Or is the forest just disappointed in me?

Should I stop my transition? Ive tried to communicate with the forest but she wont respond to me when I bring it up. Im just not sure what to do

I'm sorry your forest seems to be struggling with your transition, reader. However, I think there is plenty of reason to stay optimistic here. You know as well as anyone that, if a powerful nature spirit really doesn't want you around, you'd know about it. The fact you still have a connection with her means she still wants you to have a connection with her.

You're correct in saying that nymphs tend to be female, but my understanding is that this is a linguistic matter rather than a biological one. The word we use for females of your genus is “nymph”, while males with similar cultural identities tend to be referred to as “satyrs”.

Your feeling of disconnect are very likely more related to how you perceive yourself rather than how the forest is perceiving you. The fact is, you cannot simultaneously think of nymphs as inherently feminine, and of yourself as a nymph, while also respecting and celebrating your own masculine identity.

Your forest can feel that inner conflict. She can see you're no longer comfortable with your identity as a nymph, but doesn't have the tools to help you through that discomfort. All she can do is try to give you space, loosening her hold on you and allowing you the freedom to make your own choices.

So, what are those choices, exactly? For one thing, I certainly don't think stopping your transition is a good idea. Your gender is not defined by your body, and a lack of medical transition won't make you any less male.

It also won't solve the underlying issue – that you, as a man, do not feel able to identify as a nymph. In fact, I suspect it will serve to disconnect you even more from your body and your forest, with the pain of dysphoria acting as a constant reminder of the authentic, masculine self you're trying to hide.

Instead, I recommend either unpacking your gendered assumptions around being a nymph, or embracing a positive, male alternative identity for yourself. Do you feel able to say of yourself, “I am a man and a nymph and these do not contradict each other”? Or would you be more comfortable identifying as a satyr or some other identity that feels more affirming?

There isn't a right answer here. You need to find something that works for you. But you do need to make that decision, and try to heal this conflict inside you.

As you do, I feel certain your connection with your forest will bloom anew – different than it was, perhaps, but also more authentic, connecting not with a mere idea or aspiration, but with the man you truly are.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[delighted-mirage]

rotating trans leif trans bert bert and canonically trans nonbinary verge in my head.

rotating leif being a trans woman and constantly fending off the pressure of being born a man and feeling constantly out of place in her own world, so she takes a ticket out to the stars.

rotating trans man leif struggling under being born a woman in male dominated spaces and fearing being stuck remembered as a woman for his work as well, and taking that same trip on up to finally leave everything behind and figure himself out.

rotating bert bert having to prove himself as a trans man and most likely have the added pressure of his mother either being supportive or strained that bert bert again doesn’t fulfill her expectations (and subconsciously putting another terrifying label on her back. gender varies but I imagine if it’s like earth enough there’s still bigotry and transphobia in certain cultures.) and adds fuel to the fight between them.

rotating also bert bert feeling more left out if his mom’s tangle is still the same one and feeling like he isn’t a good enough child.

rotating trans woman bert bert and the fact leif commented on her muscles as large and maybe feeling some dysphoria there.

rotating also the reunion of two trans ppl finding each other with no clue about the other’s past, only their identities, and the relief from dysphoria leif and berts could have felt knowing gender presentation doesn’t matter to each other. the universal feeling of knowing relief when you’re with your kind.

rotating vapians maybe still having a gender binary, although loose and in between, and verge finding themself through all that they’ve been through. rotating how they carry their identity with them and sometimes still hear an echo they’re betraying their culture by being themself over adhering to their ex-culture.

rotating them not hearing those echoes when they’re around leif when they see him/her being so unabashedly Leif, exuding that wonderful personality that’s so vibrant and s/he doesn’t even know it.

rotating verge carrying that feeling from that part of their time together even when their heart is broken and they know they need to forget leif to survive.

rotating verge realizing how to be unabashedly Verge, the monarch of cunning and crime, and maybe taking the experience to realize all they want is peace.

and rotating the hopeful idea they some day get it. <3

[womenstruation]

one of the best things i ever did to help get rid of most of my body dysphoria and dysmorphia was to work at a summer camp for girls.

Growing up fat, I always had body issues. I was the fattest girl in class, the biggest baby on the delivery ward, I had to wear boring adult clothes while everyone else didn't. When I hit puberty and I lost weight, the compliments were endless so of course I started starving myself. Puberty also brought with it breasts and I hated that. I started puberty early, by nine I was wearing bras and it was just another thing that made me different.

at sixteen, I was a proud vegan aka I loved having an acceptable reason not to eat. I also started boarding at a mixed sex, white majority sixth form-it was hell. I was no longer the teachers pet but now part of the "gang" of Black girls. It was such whiplash going from an environment where we were just girls to one where boys in class had a discord for ranking girls by race and exchanging stolen nudes.

My hatred for being a girl only grew. I would say to myself, if only I was male, I could fit in, I'll be the one rating girls and all the other boys would be falling over themselves to get street cred for having a Black friend. I started wearing a binder but I was too scared to tell my friends- I was afraid they'll think I was trying to steal their thunder by identifying as trans too.

I got into university, fell out with my friends and had a very underwhelming first year. But i randomly saw an ad for a summer camp and applied. That summer was one of the best of my life, it was as if my body had been longing for an all female environment, I felt at peace. I still struggled with all my body issues but I didn't have time to think and ruminate like before.

I also was surrounded by so many different types of women. So many of the co-workers i became friends with shared my experience, I didn't feel so alone anymore. One of them was so like me, it was scary, we were even born a day apart. Then I began to think, if my experience is so common, why does it make me somehow not a woman, why did I feel like a supposed failure to be a "woman" meant I had to identify as non binary or something else.

I got more into feminism and began to stop fixating on my body, on who I was. I stopped seeing myself as separate from my "flesh sack" , stopped seeing things to correct. I grew more secure in my homosexuality, it didn't seem that "queer" or even interesting when most of my middle aged "boring" bosses at camp were women married to women.

I still do find it difficult at times however. It's hard when I'm surrounded by so many women constantly chasing their next diet (my mum is a tummy tuck ambassador lol) and being from a culture where it's normal to point out how much weight someone has lost or gained. It's also hard to still struggle with what being a lesbian is, especially as more and more lesbians I know are now some flavour of trans, and see me as the enemy. But i'm getting better everyday, I don't think little me ever imagined that I would ever stop longing to change every part of myself.

[apollos-olives]

wow thank you again for the great reply. i honestly never knew gender dysphoria could be like that so please forgive my ignorance. i was aware of it's existence but like we both said, my not being trans will never truly understand your being trans. i also appreciate the analogies because that does put it into perspective as well. Suicide of course should be prevented, and if transitioning is truly the only way to prevent it, then Allah knows best.

religious trauma is something i greatly identify with - having attended a Muslim school and being subjected to blatant misogyny as well as being the daughter of a revert who married into a culturally Muslim family, and growing up in a household that didn't really practice either - i totally understand why queer Muslims may feel distant from Islam and I do not judge them whatsoever because someone leaving the folds of Islam truly says more about their community. However, what I learnt from my own trauma and healing from that is that at the end of the day, we do have our own choices and we can choose whether to open our hearts back to the religion or not. ofc this statement is easier said than done.

Regarding queerness and children - I did not word myself correctly and forgot to mention what you have mentioned. I don't believe that being queer is inherently sexual and I apologize if it came out that way. You are right in saying people don't have a problem when heterosexual people make assumptions but will immediately have a problem when someone who is non-hetero does. It is hypocrisy and I admit that, I am not against children learning about people who are queer or even what queer means, my concerns are merely with people who hypersexualise under the guise of being lgbtq+ activists and in the same breath I will say that I feel the same way about heterosexual people who sexualise kids.

Where I stand, as long as Bi'dah is not committed, for example, free mixing in salah or roles of men and women interchanging when it comes to the practices of Islam, I genuinely have no qualms with anyone.

I have honestly learnt so much more in these two replies than I have learnt through media and discussions with people who identify as part of the community and for that i am truly grateful. many of your points allowed me to question my own perspective of queerness as well as to challenge myself regarding how I actually view people who are different than myself.

All in all, my stance on lgbtq+ hasn't changed much in the sense that I can agree with anything and everything that the community preaches but I have become more aware that not everyone who belongs to it shares the same opinions and not every Muslim who is queer/non-hetero hates or blatantly chooses to reject Islam. I do think that this discussion has been fruitful and it's a conversation I'm glad to have had, especially since it's civil, hopefully from both our perspectives.

Allah truly knows best, regardless of my view or your view and we all are Muslim and hopefully striving towards the end goal in the Hereafter. We should focus on the issues on hand and spread Islam through its meaning and not on our own prejudice because you as a queer Muslim may be doing much more good than I, a heterosexual Muslim, am currently.

Thank you for the discussion and may Allah bless you ♥️

no worries thank you so much for being so respectful and understanding! most muslims i meet aren't willing to listen to people they don't agree with so it's very refreshing that you're being so open to trying to listen to me. it's very heartwarming :)

alhamdulillah i'm glad you understand the struggles of being trans and how queer muslims may stray away from islam because of religious trauma. and you're absolutely right that at the end of the day, allah knows best and it is always up to the person to choose the right path for them.

and thank you for clarifying your stance on the whole children situation. and yes you are correct that people do use the lgbtq+ community to try to get away with stuff that is deemed unacceptable! unfortunately the community is facing hardship because people are abusing the openness and acceptance of the community and sometimes are using it as an excuse to do bad things, which most people in the queer community condemn and are actively trying to fight against! and even then, those situations are kept to a minimum and are handled as best as possible, and the occurrence of those problems are not as common as people think, actually. but i do understand how you may be concerned and that's totally fine, but i want to assure you that it's not common at all and most of the lgbtq+ community want to protect kids as much as possible!

i don't have much of an opinion on bi'dah and whatnot, but your beliefs are very valid and i totally respect them as well :)

i'm so happy that i could help educate you and give you insight about how queerness affects me and other muslims. i'm so glad that you were open to listening. it's totally okay if my insight hasn't changed your opinions very much, i'm just glad to have been able to be given an opportunity to share my perspective as a queer muslim. and you are right that the muslim community as a whole must drop their prejudices and all reach to strive for jannah in the afterlife. inshallah we can all have good discussions like we did in jannah as well :)

[qweerhet]

i think most feminist gender theory is woefully behind the material reality of trans people’s lived experiences these days. like, no matter how much we try to retrofit “men as oppressor class, women as oppressed class” to be trans-affirming, it still doesn’t map to the material experiences of nonbinary, non-passing, gnc, and genderqueer trans people.

like... i’m thinking about how i’m subject to social transmisogyny, personally. and it doesn’t matter that i’m not a trans woman. people see “facial hair, deep voice pulled into a nasally falsetto, dark body hair, broad shoulders, shows off tits, wears dresses, uses she/her sometimes” and put me in the Pervert/Freak/Gender Outcast/Failed Man categories and interact with me as such. like, materially speaking, i think if i did start going solely by she/her and referring to myself as a woman, my social experience wouldn’t change all that much.

people would still over-criticize every behavior i display. they would still view me as a threat to women and view my actions through that lens accordingly. they would still view my existence as sexual, and interact with otherwise pretty typical behaviors as if they were displays of my personal fetishes. they would still only conditionally accept me insofar as my behavior acquiesced to patriarchal ideals of what womanhood is (regardless of how allegedly feminist the space supposedly is). like, all the transmisogyny i could possibly be a target for, i already am. my innate identity shifting to “trans woman” wouldn’t add anything to my material experience that i’m not already living.

now, allegedly, radical feminism is supposed to address this failing of mainstream feminist discourse by boiling gendered privilege down to solely sex characteristics, but the thing is, i don’t think that radical feminists have a good framework to address this, either. sex characteristics are fluid and read differently in different cultural contexts. not even getting into how, regardless of presentation, internal identity does have an effect on someone’s experience with gendered privilege and oppression. a closeted trans person is having a markedly more disprivileged experience than a cis person of their agab, just by virtue of constant paranoia and vigilance, possible strong dysphoria and all of its associated health risks, and the high probability of them experiencing frequent background-noise transphobia that’s preventing them from coming out in the first place.

so like... no, shifting entirely to a presentation-based yardstick by which to measure oppression isn’t materially useful, either. but the current feminist discourse ethos isn’t built to talk about men who have breasts and vaginas and solely use she/her. it isn’t built to talk about people who are simultaneously straight men and lesbians at the same time. it doesn’t allow us to take seriously and mark as significant the experiences of intersex amab trans men, of nonbinary people who have simultaneously male and female identities, of agender people who have no gender whatsoever while presenting in a gendered way.

under how we currently talk about feminism and gendered oppression and privilege, these experiences are treated as outliers that we don’t need to change the rhetorical framework to include explicitly; there is a ruleset, and these experiences simply fall outside of the ruleset. but the thing is, trans people need a way to talk about gendered privilege and oppression and misogyny and the patriarchy because those are the core of our oppression. it isn’t enough to talk about ourselves like we’re outliers and exceptions to the rule; our fundamental class struggle is based on the patriarchy and the things that feminism is laid out to address in the first place. if the current discursive space carved out for feminist rhetoric isn’t addressing our material lived experiences, that is a problem with those discursive spaces, not with our experiences,

[haywire-hetfield]

For trans James suggestions I would love to see something sweet between him and Dave, maybe when he explains to Dave that he's trans or maybe their first time and he's nervous but Dave is chill. I'd also like to see him maybe struggling to deal with being trans and being famous or like his early fame just starting out on the road and stuff and having to deal with like wearing his binder too long and his period (if he still gets his period idk I kept getting mine even like a year on T) and living in such close proximity with the other guys (not in a creepy way of course but in an uncomfortable way I guess?) I don't know if any of this makes sense I'm trying to put my thoughts to words and it's hard I'm sorry.

Sure thing! Hope you enjoy it! :)

Hand Of Gold That Lays Waste To My Love

Warnings: Dysphoria, top Dave, bottom James, dom/sub play, sub Dave, dom James, safe sex, cunnilingus, gender affirmation.

Words: 2,144

To James, Dave Mustaine was an inspiring person simply by existing. 

He thought Dave was objectively pretty. Pretty in the way James had always been told girls were pretty. He had smooth skin and long hair that he took a lot of pride in. He’d wear shirts that showed his stomach and things that accentuated his body in a way James didn’t normally see with guys. 

At the same time, there was no denying Dave was a guy. He was as loud and brash as James had always been told men were supposed to be. He was strong, albeit he was mostly lean muscle, and he wasn’t afraid to fight. And in all the time that James had known Dave, he’d never known him to be insecure in his gender. 

That had always given James a sense of comfort, seeing someone so confident in themselves that they didn’t even care if something about them was perceived as feminine. It had made him feel more confident in himself as well if he was being honest. 

There had been more than one time when Dave had kept him from cutting his hair short in a moment of distress. Once his dysphoria had subsided and he’d calmed down, he was always grateful that he hadn’t cut his hair. He liked it long, he just didn’t always like how it made people look at him. He hoped that one day he could care as little about that as Dave did. The way people looked at him never seemed to matter. 

There were a lot of things that seemed to come easier to his band than it did for him. Wrestling came easier to them. It felt so entrenched in the culture of being a boy so to speak. He’d always seen guys play fighting, even from when he was a young child. 

He’d never been allowed to do that, of course. Both physically and mentally. 

When he was young, his mother had always discouraged him from fighting with the other boys because it was “unladylike” and he’d “ruin his good dress.” As he grew older and could make the choice for himself, he’d still shied away from it. 

He didn’t want to be that close to someone, especially not another guy where he could feel every difference between them. He’d wrestled around with Lars once and had hated every second of it. Every time he noticed just how much stronger Lars was, despite their height difference. Each time Lars pressed at a curve or soft spot on his body, he felt too open and too exposed. 

Sometimes, he wished he didn’t feel that way. He wished he could just fight with his friends the way they always did with one another instead of sitting on the sidelines. 

He found himself thinking about it while they were all enjoying a day out at the beach, watching Ron and Lars roll around in the sand. One would laugh and pin the other before finding themselves in the same position a few moments later. It seemed fun, he just couldn’t. 

He’d found comfort with Dave sitting beside him, their shoulders leaned against each other. They were both just watching the scene play out in front of them, both silent for a long time. 

“They’re never going to get all that sand off,” Dave said finally and James laughed, nodding in agreement. He already could imagine Ron complaining about the sand sticking into his curls or Lars whining about how his skin hurt after rolling through the harsh sand all day. 

James knew Dave had no problem fighting, but he was glad he’d decided to sit this one out with him. 

He didn’t imagine Dave knew exactly what it felt like to be in James’ position. When James had first explained himself and his identity to Dave, he could tell that didn’t exactly get it. He’d been supportive, telling James he was whoever he wanted to be and not whoever the world told him he was. Over time, he understood it a bit more, but James knew he’d never get it. And deep down, he was jealous of that. 

There were times when James could set aside his worries with being touched and being close to someone, and Dave was almost always involved in those times. 

James was laid on top of him in the shitty motel room bed that they shared, kissing him like it was the last thing he’d ever do. Dave’s hands were beneath his shirt and clinging to his hips. James was very aware of the curves there, the ones that were absent on Dave’s own body, but he was able to bite down that feeling for now. 

There were times when he couldn’t and Dave understood that, but now, he was doing fine and he was determined to keep that up. 

“I wish I could fuck you,” James murmured against him once he’d pulled away a bit. And he meant it. He wished his body was just how he wanted it to be, wished he could press against Dave and let him feel how excited he was in the way that Dave could. It was rare he opened up about that, but the words just came out now. 

“Do it then,” Dave told him as though it was simple and he went to protest, although Dave cut him off. “Just trust me on this. Get off me for a second,” James’ eyebrows furrowed and he decided to trust Dave. He was confused about what was happening, but he slid away from him and watched him. “Get your clothes off,” He told him and moved away from the bed, going to look for something. 

James obeyed and tried to just focus on Dave instead of the feeling of awkwardness that set over him as he lost layer after layer. He paused and hesitated before taking off his binder, wincing as he did. His chest hurt a bit and he found himself rubbing at the sensitive skin along his ribs. 

“How long are you supposed to wear that thing?” Dave asked as he returned to the bed, tossing a condom and lube down onto it. He was looking at James now, really seeing him, his own eyebrows furrowed and frowning a bit. His head was tipped to the side as though it would give him a better understanding of the situation. 

James just gave a shrug of his shoulders at the question, although he knew the answer. 

He knew he should wear it less often, that it was dangerous for him, but he didn’t care. Without it, he struggled to even be around other people. There was no way for him to exist publicly without it and fame had thrust him into the public eye far quicker than he’d anticipated. It was a total culture shock for him, his entire life changing so much that it was unrecognizable now. 

Luckily, Dave didn’t push it. 

“I have a really fantastic idea. Take your boxers off,” Dave told him as he stripped off his own shirt and went to work himself out of his jeans. James did as he was told, though he was definitely paying more attention to what Dave was doing. His eyes felt hooked to his skin as it was exposed to him, pale and soft looking in a way that made James want to reach out to touch him. 

Dave looked up and smiled at him, pushing his own boxers out of the way and climbing back into bed with him. He grabbed the lube and condom on his way, laying flat on his back and offering them to James. 

“Get on top. You can be in control and it’ll kinda be like you’re fucking me,” Dave suggested and James supposed it wasn’t the worst idea. He really wished he could just actually fuck Dave, but that wasn’t an option and James knew Dave was trying to make this easier for him. It wasn’t like the idea of riding Dave was unappealing either, that definitely wasn’t it. 

“You’re so romantic,” James said sarcastically. “Put them on yourself,” Dave didn’t argue against him and watching him move was a pretty visual. Dave slid the condom down and his long fingers wrapped around his cock, stroking himself to spread the lube over. 

“There you go, your majesty. Better?” Dave scoffed out a laugh when James nodded, smiling as he moved to straddle the other. It was a bit awkward to maneuver for both of them, neither used to this position, but Dave finally got himself lined up and eased inside. The stretch was a bit uncomfortable, but not painful. Dave was thick and it had been a bit since last time, although James adjusted to it quickly. 

“You look so handsome like this,” Dave told him and James could feel his cheeks heating up, turning a light pink at the praise. He tried to distract himself by starting to move. It was an awkward movement to get the hang of, but he found a pace that worked best for them eventually and Dave didn’t seem to mind.

His head was back against the pillows, strawberry blonde hair spread out like a halo around his head. He didn’t seem to be holding any noises back, whining and moaning whenever it felt particularly good, and that added to the illusion that James was the one fucking him. He wondered what Dave would sound like if James was actually fucking him, if he’d arch and squirm just like he was now. 

“Harder,” Dave managed to get out and James complied easily. He pushed down against him harder, faster, rolling more once he got close to Dave’s hips. Each movement was so close that his clit dragged against Dave’s hair and skin every time, sending shockwaves of pleasure through James. 

He wondered if this was close to what Dave felt when he was fucking James. If every press of his cock felt similar to each rub of James’ clit. Maybe this did feel closer to actually fucking Dave than he thought. 

“You feel so fucking good, Jamie. You’re fucking me so good,” Dave rambled to him and James couldn’t help but smile. He watched each expression that went across Dave’s face, feeling satisfied when Dave’s eyes rolled back, knowing he was the one who caused it.

It was over too quickly. Dave’s hands tightened at his waist and he was coming with barely a warning, but James didn’t mind. He rocked slower as Dave came, moving off of him before he could get too sensitive. Dave tied the condom quickly and tossed it aside to be picked up later. 

“Come up here,” Dave instructed and reached out for James, moving his hips around. He decided to go wherever Dave directed him, ending up on his knees close to Dave’s head with one leg on either side of his head. “I want you to fuck my face,” Dave told him simply, piushing his hair out of the way before leaning in. 

James didn’t have much time to react before Dave’s tongue was sliding against him, attaching to his clit and beginning to suck. He’d gotten more bottom growth than he’d ever expected to, although it still wasn’t enough to satisfy him some days. Now, he couldn’t bring himself to care. Staring down at the mess of red hair between his thighs, it was easy to imagine he was just like any other guy, albeit he was fairly certain no other guy had ever gotten his dick sucked by Dave Mustaine. He was happy to be different from other guys in that way. 

His fingers knotted into Dave’s hair, knowing the right amount of pressure to apply to have Dave moaning against him. He looked so perfect like that, felt so perfect. It was like he was made to go down on James. His hips rocked forward to chase the feeling, although Dave never went too far. He warned Dave that he was getting closer when it happened, but Dave just gave an acknowledging hum and kept going. 

Dave wanted him to come down his throat and-

“Fuck,” James hissed out, pulling his hair tighter as he came at that thought. The image of coming down Dave’s throat stayed with him as he rode out his orgasm, keeping Dave held close until he was done. The redhead was a good sport about it all, not complaining about the grip that was a bit too tight or being held in place.  Dave was laughing when James finally released him, both of them parting away from one another. James couldn’t even form a coherent thought, he had no idea how Dave was able to react to this moment. He’d just had his brain short-circuit on him and Dave was over there giggling. But James did feel better.

[theteablogger]

Same anon re: costuming. CW for weight gain/loss & mentions of EDs

Yes, just as a couple of examples of things which I’ve dealt with which sprang to mind reading about Andy’s history and made me go “yikes”, from school:

- When taking measurements, were taught to *ask* people if they wanted to know them or not (if not, we wrote them down but didn’t say it out loud). I once had someone say before I could ask, “Please don’t tell me, I’m recovering from an eating disorder and can’t know stuff like that”.

- Re: not commenting on weight, that included changes. I re-measured someone from a start of the first semester show to end of the second and she looked significantly different. She kept apologizing because her measurements were larger and finally said that she’d actually lost a bunch of weight because she’d been sick and that’s why she’d been smaller before. I stuck to saying I was glad she recovered, but she was clearly scared of being judged for how her body had changed.

Those are just two things, but thinking about how he habitually talks about weight gain/loss, fatphobia, beauty standards etc around women—the negging, backhanded compliments and lectures from 2018, but also some of the stuff he reffed in that thread (and further back the way those types of situations were exploited for abuse!)—you can see why I find it alarming to think about that being a voice of authority in the context of an industry where actors are (far more than in the context of an art school) consistently under insane pressure with regard to diet and exercise culture, often at the expense of health.

With regard to stunts and SFF/Adventure genres, see here: https://amp.theguardian.com/film/2016/jun/29/why-stuntwomen-are-in-more-danger-than-men

The TL;DR is that tight-fitting costumes which cover less skin, high heels, shape wear etc all make it way easier to sustain injuries. I point it out mainly because it’s a pretty obvious difference between cosplay and actually doing things other than standing/walking around in costume, and also because it’s indicative of a culture where people are far less likely to be held accountable for safety than for making sure it’s all aesthetically pleasing. The “nightmare scenario” is always someone arguing over safety and comfort concerns (whether or not stunts are involved) because of the look and a performer not being able to overrule, and that tragically happens far too often. Even professionals don’t necessarily “call it out” among their peers, same with lookism & fatphobia from those who consider being skinny part of the job description.

It’s the very fact that AB’s online persona these days is all about awareness and sensitivity towards those issues that makes me both REALLY hope he’s serious for once and worried about who might suffer for it if he’s not, and it’s another case where “sensitivity” is used as a matter of knowing people’s “weaknesses”. That’s part of why learning the source of the thread shook me up so hard: it was because the ‘progressive’ industry language was almost right but just slightly off—and then “slightly off” was “Oh okay so when you say you’re intimately aware of people’s body image struggles, did you mean your job, or those times you psychologically tortured your exes? Or set off others’ dysphoria repeatedly? Or…” you get the picture :/

Thanks for writing back, anon! It's always helpful to get perspectives from people involved in costuming.

It’s the very fact that AB’s online persona these days is all about awareness and sensitivity towards those issues that makes me both REALLY hope he’s serious for once and worried about who might suffer for it if he’s not, and it’s another case where “sensitivity” is used as a matter of knowing people’s “weaknesses”.

Well put, and I agree. His persona has been this way at least since he appeared on Tumblr in 2011, and he's definitely said and done plenty of shitty things since then. That's one of the reasons it's always so hard to believe that he's changed: he performs sincerity very well, but when he feels like he can get away with something (like in the summer of 2018), he doesn't practice what he preaches.

[shillelaghxsorcery]

as promised here are some Druid Thoughts TM

bree's hcs about druid culture and/or silvius in general:

Communal living makes one very not body shy, as such he can often be found unapologetically naked just around camp. Yes he has dysphoria, but he was raised to value everyone's form and to think nothing of being naked. So yeah, he does struggle a bit, but after his top surgery, he's really far more confident in himself and sometimes just. is naked. because new chest. i just feel being naked isn't an issue at all for druids. they often have to be told that someone is uncomfy with it and then they'll cover up like. druids. i love them.

touchy feelyness: i feel druids are very close knit even amongst their sister circles that don't live with them all the time like. its just another facet of being in such a close knit culture and constantly having someone around you all the time. he understands that not everyone is like that though and unless hes romancing someone he will do his best to tone it down, unless its another druid in which case hes always excited to see them and will definitely be physically affectionate with them.

druids using wild shape and wrestling around with each other as a way of blowing off steam or just showing they're super happy like on feast days and such where wine and moods are running high and in excess of the normal mood.

casual wildshaping. just. wildshape. druids who prefer being that way to process trauma, or because they just really enjoy the close bond it gives them to nature and silvanus himself. wildshape as a form of worship ritual to be as close as you can get to silvanus. its a gift, adn it can be taken away if not stewarded correctly. its venerated the first time someone is able to do that. highly celebrated.

okay so gender. as mentioned druids are communal living creatures and very touchy feely with one another. gender or its fluidity or lack of gender are nonissues with druids. you're trans? fine, we'll help you with your surgery etc. you're genderfluid? cool, silvanus' blessings on you friend. you're poly or gay or anything regarding to the spectrum of sexuality? amazing. fine. wonderful. the spectrum of gender and sexuality is often discussed as a spectrum and it's a very embraced thing to be very chill and very supportive about that stuff among the druids. rare to see that outside druids in other parts of faerun.

druid cuddles? touching foreheads, hands, shoulders. constantly using physicality to ground each other and check in. again, they're closer to one another than literally any other community so they show affection and concern through touching and hugging etc. i just have to put this in here more than once because its very important to me

sil in specific: he's trans so his wildshape form is a female mountain lion rather than a male one. yes this does distress him from time to time. he does still have his cycle as well, prefers to be in wildshape for that so he can manage pain (he's got endometriosis its not great for him and yes i am self projecting here)

if i remember any of my other ones i am adding them to the list later but this is what i got for now

[acorpsecalledcorva]

Identity Dysphoria

Reading The Sisters of Dorley before during and after TDoV has honestly completely unmade me and reminded me how fragile my identity really is.

For those who don't know The Sisters of Dorley is a serialised novel posted on AO3 but since published in print form that's essentially the extreme version of this post

It's a subversion of the force feminisation trope that takes aim at toxic masculinity, the patriarchy, misogyny, and particularly the transmisogyny implicit in the institution of medical transition.

The narrative is shown through the PoV of multiple characters, starting with Stef, a transfem egg who noticed her town has a "missing person/slightly higher than average height female population" problem and wants to be inducted into the hall. Christine, an inductee in the program in her 3rd year of feminisation struggling to fully embody her new identity, and Aunt Bea, the matron of the organisation and her experience with the previous much more brutal and sadistic regime.

Something that's very common and very carefully explored throughout is all the troubled boys history of trauma and abuse and the incredibly complex relationship that can have when interacting in a cisnormative Patriarchal society.

Essentially these boys have all been victims in their lives, something which society historically has no place for. That identity, of being a victimised male, is rejected at every turn and so they reject it internally as well. Pushing it to the deepest parts of their psyche and replacing it with something else. The thing that media and culture and the legal system have been screaming at them is what a man is supposed to be.

Dorley Hall offers an alternative. A really fucked up abusive and arguably even more traumatising alternative, but an alternative nonetheless. To let go of the "driftwood" they've been clinging to all their lives and learn how to create a completely new identity for themselves that's free from the intense pressures of masculinity.

And uhhhh yeah, that's a lot to think about as a AMAB person with DID that has been through the medical transition system in the UK.

Because hey guess what, realising that my current identity isn't really working out, rejecting it and burying it deep inside me and then coming up with a brand new identity to embody and explore is something I have done many many many times throughout my life.

I have tried to become multiple different kinds of male/masculine person over the years, none of them were sustainable for more than 18 months. Some were queer, others were painfully compcishet, often I thought about the possibility of womanhood and femininity but the conversations around trans people at the time just weren't receptive to the feelings I had and it was very clear to me that being trans was the only way you were allowed to do that.

The doors to feminity were eventually opened just enough for me to slip in (if you wish you were a trans girl then you're probably a trans girl) and so that's the identity I chose for myself. I came out to my wife, I went to the GP to get my referral, and then I just...waited. A 2 year waiting list before my first appointment was welcome at the time to give me a chance to try to understand myself and decide what i wanted, but things are never simple.

This new identity as a trans woman still felt wrong. Presenting femininely and being viewed as a woman was something I very much aimed for, but made me deeply uncomfortable. I told myself it was the dysphoria, that my issues with my body were exacerbated by feminine clothing that stood in contast to how I physically looked. That when I got on HRT this would change and I'd feel better, I just need to trust in the programprocess and one day I'll get there.

Two things happened at the same time. I turned 30, and got my first appointment. Turning 30 made me panic at the idea of spending another decade as who I was and pushed me to order DIY hormones, and I got the letter for my first appointment which meant it was time to start socially transitioning.

Because the NHS does not believe that you can make physical changes to your body without also changing your social status. You have to be out to family and friends and work and college or whatever, you have to legally change your name and have lived experience to prove that you are committed (in reality it's not that harsh but the message is very much that your life will be much harder and you'll be viewed with more suspicion if you don't do these things)

So I was a good little tran and did what was asked if me. And if there's one aspect of my transition I regret? It's that. Because no matter how affirming and inclusive the message from the community is, society doesn't work that way. By coming out as a trans woman, I told the world to expect something from me. And there are much higher expectations placed on trans women for performative feminity than there are on cis women, there just are. A trans woman is a very specific object in the eyes of most people in wider society and I am not that, like, at all.

I hate my legal name and title, showing my ID makes me cringe, going to the doctor and having F on my record and then showing up as me is physically painful. I hate that I feel pressured to dress a certain way when going to events with other trans and queer people just to communicate to them "no no I promise, I'm one of you, don't look beneath the mask please don't look beneath the mask"

Because truthfully? I'm not. I'm not trans. I'm not queer. I'm not anything. Because I was never allowed to be anything.

My trauma extends back to infancy, my development has never progressed in the absence of it. I am completely and comprehensively informed by it. If I'm anything it's Assigned Traumatised at Birth. My identity as a child was formed as a reaction to an unstable environment and trying to survive it. My teenage identity was formed as a means to escape my childhood and trying to become the kind of adults that were more than happy to let a troubled teenager hang out with them. My adult identity was formed as a reaction to "oh shit I'm supposed to actually function now fuck how do I do that" and the many ways I failed. My internal female identities were formed because what happened to me isn't supposed to happen to boys so I made up a girl for it to happen to instead. And my trans identity formed because fuck, what else is there left for me to try? If we wanna get really really real with it, transition was an act of suicide. The attempt to completely obliterate who I was so that I could try to become something new.

The problem is that none of these identities are me, because there is no me. I never formed. I am only and have only ever been a collection of attempts to survive, a reflection of the society that's attacked and assaulted me at every turn. That constantly views me with suspicion because they can tell that I'm not being genuine. Because I can't be genuine.

I never can.

[abigail-rytel]

I wish there was more nuance to the Trans Experience (tm) aside from the categories of "I have either sought or am doing everything in my power to seek physical transition; it is wonderful and I finally, truly feel alive" and "It's okay if you're not there yet not everyone experiences dysphoria not everyone wants to pass it's not a race it's okay you're still valid." (Whatever "valid" means.)

Because, like: do I consider myself trans? Yes. Do I experience dysphoria? Likely not to the degree that some do, but yes, frequently. Do I desire HRT? Strictly speaking, if I must choose a binary answer, yes, but...

Is physical transitioning a priority for me? No. Am I actively seeking it out? No. Would I be content going the rest of my life without it? As much as I can be content given various circumstances, yes, I would. At the very least, I'm willing to accept the possibility.

If money was no object, and HRT was freely available, and there was no social stigma or other risks involved in my transition, would I utilize it? 100% yes. But that's not the life in which I live. Not only is it not affordable or easily acquired, but the consequences of being publicly out in the first place risks leaving me jobless and homeless if the right people decide that they don't like it. I have no safety nets and have to tread cautiously with that in mind.

So... I do what I can. I make my online persona as trans-forward as I can. I alleviate my dysphoria as best as I am able with the tools available to me. Given mental and physical struggles that make it hard to work and have hobbies and take care of myself in ways that have nothing strictly to do with being trans or queer, I push forward day after day. I get by. I survive. I play the hand I was dealt.

And yet it constantly, consistently, feels like it's not good enough. Like I'm not good enough. Whenever I mention that I'm not strictly in Category 1, I'm immediately pushed by others into Category 2, which is not only factually inaccurate (I do experience dysphoria, I do wish I could pass, it's not a race because I'm not even running) but often feels like them saying "well you're not as good at being trans as us but it would be a social faux pas to say that so we'll just hide it in platitudes instead."

I am a trans woman. I am trans now, I have been trans for years, and I will continue to be trans even if I continue to resemble the "before" pictures that people openly call sad and ugly and cringe. I am trans even if what I desire and what I am capable of are incompatible. I am trans even if I don't embody the Trans Experience (tm) or hit every step of the Trans Journey (tm).

But in the end, my own self-assurance means nothing. It means nothing because I will continue to be cut off from trans culture and community unless I conform to the typical, conceivable trans concepts (or choose not to conform in ways that are themselves typical and conceivable). My opinion of myself is irrelevant in the face of those with authority who can simply tell me "no," and there are many such people out there, and it is only after they shut the gate that I will learn their identity.

Coming up next week is the anniversary of the day I chose my name and began to socially transition. It is a day that I celebrate with all the pomp of my birthday (which I actually care little about; what difference does it make what day my parents gave birth to their son?) I told a queer-focused chat about this once, and was immediately hit with "actually, you're supposed to celebrate the anniversary of the day you start HRT. That's what I do."

Supposed to.