#I feel like I really can’t say this since I relapsed a week ago | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wooziorgans · 6 days

Text

moon song || ljh

warnings: post breakup au. ex idol!reader. reader has an implied suicide attempt(s) in the past. reader is implied to do something akin to relapsing at the end of the fic. ed talk. lots of pressure that comes w being an idol. clubs. drinking. seungcheol hates y/n for leaving. leaving the idol industry behind. seeing your ex after four years. hurt w very little comfort. right person, wrong time.

word count: 4.2k

a/n: vent piece mostly. abt my frustration of still being sick, abt my frustration of not seeming to get better, abt how it never seems to stop. abt all of my wasted potential as a person. all of it, none of it, everything and nothing at all. i am so tired.

please read with caution. this is just a lot of emotions all in one place.

The loud bass that hits your head as soon as you enter the club makes your head pound immediately. It’s been four long years since you’ve even been in this part of Seoul, let alone been in a club with this group of ex-colleagues.

Ex-colleagues is certainly one way to put it. They were all so much more, and you know that this is just an excuse for all of them to get drunk. You wonder briefly if Jihoon’s here. He never used to drink, but then again, he didn’t do a lot of things until you were in the picture. You wonder how much has changed now that you’re not.

The memory of him burns like a hot iron branding your back, and you head to the nearest table of refreshments to grab a drink. If he’s here, you’ll need all the alcohol you can get your hands on. Maybe that makes you no better than anyone else; no better than the scene you so desperately needed to leave four years ago. It doesn’t matter anymore.

You’re no longer apart of it. What you do now won’t cost you your career. If the night ends with you passed out in an alley way simply because you saw your ex at an album release party for an album he produced, so be it. He never comes to these things anyways.

At least, he didn’t when you knew him. You haven’t known Jihoon for a long time. It’s been four years after all; a lot can change in a week, let alone four years.

Like your decision to leave the K-pop industry. You had mulled over it for weeks, before you brought it up to anyone, and you didn’t go to Jihoon first. He was the last person you told. At least, officially, that you were leaving.

All those years of work as a trainee, just for it to be nothing. All of the tears, the angry screams into your pillow, the poverty your company forced you into in the first few years of your career because it was boarding on bankruptcy. All of this wasted potential. Maybe you could’ve been someone great.

You were, for a few years. Your group took off, and the first few years of success made all of the hard work feel like it was worth something. But as the saying goes, too much of a good thing won’t be good for long.

The pressure started to build, and it built until it boiled over and you were found on the verge of doing something terrible in your bathroom by your boyfriend and your manager after a week of unusual silence. Jihoon never was a crier, but god did he sob as he held you in the back of the ambulance. He had never begged for anything the way he begged for you to talk to him.

Please, god, please talk to me Y/N. Please, baby. I can’t— I can’t lose you.

It’s funny, really, how things work out. You dug yourself so deep into this hole of despair from the pressure of being an idol, that the only way out of it was to completely separate yourself from that life and start over.

After terminating your contract, you broke up with Jihoon. Or, you didn’t break up with him, only told him that you needed to take a break while you sorted yourself out. After being on a break for four years, is it still just a break? Or are you broken up at that point?

Both you and Jihoon know the answer to that.

Three years of no social media, no articles about you, none of your old friends reaching out to check in on you because they held a contractual obligation to be nice to you in the hallways. Three and a half years out of the spotlight. Three and a half years of peace, of healing, of sorting your life out and learning how to breathe again.

It’s been four years without Jihoon, and you didn’t really think much about the consequences that potentially sharing a space with him would have. But now they’re suffocating. All you can think about is the potential possibility of him being here, which, he wouldn’t be, right? He hates these kinds of gatherings. He used to skip his own release parties to watch shitty romance movies with you on the couch in his studio.

Does he have someone new to watch romance movies with? Or has he given up romance altogether? You know from the first few months, updates provided by Soonyoung, that he didn’t take the distance very well. You know that he missed you, and he worried about you constantly. You know you’re spiralling, and you know all those years of therapy will be for nothing if you don’t pull yourself out of it.

You don’t have to do that, because Seungkwan does it for you. “Y/N? You came!” He seems elated that you’re here, off his rocker, probably drunk.

“Of course I came! It’s your first album as BSS, Seungkwan.” You smile, and it’s not forced at all. You have completely forgotten how easy it is to fall into banter with Seungkwan. It’s almost like you never left in the first place.

Except something in his eyes seems off. That’s your first red flag to turn around and get the fuck out of this club, but you don’t. “My god. It’s been so long. How are you doing?” With anyone else, the small talk would’ve taken you out back and killed you. It’s different with Seungkwan.

Different how? He was one of the only people who consistently checked in on you when you first left. As you settled into your new life, the texts became less frequent; now, four years later they’re hardly anything to notice, but he’ll still send you a text on every holiday, and he’s wished you happy birthday every year since you met him.

“I’m doing a lot better. I’m… I’m good.” You laugh softly. Seungkwan smiles at you.

“That’s good. I’ve missed having you around— of course I don’t expect you to come back into this scene, but it would be nice to see you sometime.” Seungkwan squeezes your shoulder softly and smiles wider.

“Yeah, of course. I know I’ve been gone, but I’ll make it less hard to get a hold of me. I’ve missed all of you, truth be told.” You smile back. “I’ve just… been doing a lot of healing and I think it’s about time I finally start reconnecting with people. Is everyone here?” You ask.

“Oh, yeah. We’re all here! I kind of spilled that I invited you so everyone decided to come just in case you showed up.” The depth of all doesn’t really seem to cross Seungkwan’s mind; he’s certainly not thinking about Jihoon right now, or Seungcheol for that matter. You’re pretty sure Seungcheol would punch you if he caught sight of you. Maybe Jihoon would too. You have no idea how Jihoon even feels about you.

“Even, uh, Jihoon?” The smile falls from Seungkwan’s face.

“Oh. Yeah. He’s here too.” Seungkwan swallows when he sees your face shift. “You… he-he wants to talk to you. It’s not my place to really say, but he’s not mad. I think he just wants closure.”

So maybe Jihoon wouldn’t punch you. That’s a bit of a relief.

“Oh my god! Y/N! You came!” It’s Seokmin, very clearly drunk. You didn’t keep in contact with him, though he did send you a few paragraphs over text as he wished you all the best, telling you to reach out if you ever needed anything. You didn’t take him up on the offer.

“I did!” You smile, tilting your head as you look up at Seokmin.

“Can I have a hug?” He’s already opening his arms and you slide right into them. His hug is firm and warm. You’ve missed Seokmin a lot more than you cared to admit. Seungkwan grumbles about how he should’ve asked for a hug and you laugh, pulling him into one.

You catch up with Seokmin briefly before he’s being pulled away by someone you don’t know. You stick with Seungkwan, talking about your life, the album, avoiding the subject of Jihoon.

And then you turn your head at the bright sound of laughter, and you see him. You see him, and he’s not the same mess he was when you left him with no promise of when you’d see each other next. He’s not the scared man in his early twenties who had no idea if you were going to die on him. He’s not the man who stayed with you in the hospital for days on end.

He’s not the producer you knew who’d slide his headphones over your ears as he pulled you into his lap. He’s not the warm hand that held yours because you forgot your gloves again. He’s not the hushed giggles at four in the morning, or the hurried kisses, or the soft whimpers and praises as you tangled yourselves in his bedsheets.

Jihoon isn’t yours anymore.

You had hoped he wouldn’t be such a sore subject for you anymore, but seeing him in all of his glory four years later… god does it fucking hurt. You’ve done a lot of healing in the last four years, but in that time you never really had the time to process the loss of Jihoon.

Soonyoung spots you, and that’s when you know you’re doomed, because if Soonyoung is distracted, Jihoon always notices the thing that catches him off guard. You try to pull your eyes away from Jihoon, but you can’t. You swear he’s gotten more beautiful in the last four years.

He’s gotten bigger, physically— far more muscular. You can see the curve of his pecks through his shirt, one that isn’t even tight against his body. Jihoon’s always been a big fitness buff, but it appears he’s put more effort into himself. His biceps strain against the fitted sleeves of his long sleeve black shirt.

Jihoon’s face looks different too. He still has the same round cheeks you used to always pinch and prod at. His jawline is still soft, but it’s more defined. His eyes are bright, and the bags under them are still there. You wonder briefly if he’s ever gotten rid of them; if the skin under his eyes has ever matched the rest of his milky complexion.

His hair is longer than you’ve ever seen it. Dark and flowy, it’s reflective and healthy, half tied up with what would be his undercut hanging freely. A few pieces frame his face. It looks soft and healthy. Jihoon looks soft and healthy.

He’s smiling as he scans the crowd to find what Soonyoung is distracted by, and then he spots you. The smile is wiped off of Jihoon’s face faster than your brain can even register it. Seungkwan stiffens beside you, hand finding your shoulder to steady you as you stumble briefly, but the pull between you and Jihoon is too much.

Both of you start moving towards each other, pushing your way through the crowd. “Y/N.” His voice comes out in a breath, chest heaving and then he’s there, right in front of you, after four years.

You don’t know what to say, can’t process the fact that he’s in front of you, as beautiful as ever. “Jihoon,” you echo, “hi.” You can’t help the small smile that threatens to pull at your lips. The tension on Jihoon’s face eases, but he doesn’t smile back.

“Hi. How are you doing?” Jihoon asks, and if it was anyone else, it would’ve been a sad attempt at small talk. It’s Jihoon, so you know he’s asking how you’re doing now, if you’re better. A part of him is asking if you still feel like killing yourself. The answer to the last part is no.

“I’m… better. A lot better.” You laugh awkwardly. “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t doing okay.” Now, Jihoon actually does smile at you, and though it’s small, it’s still there.

“You look a lot better. Healthier. I’m glad.” Jihoon takes a sip of his drink as he looks down at you. He’s right; you’re much healthier now. There’s solid meat on your bones, your thighs touch and your ribs don’t show anymore. Your face has filled out, cheeks full and round. Your eyes don’t look as though they’re sunken into your skull, they’re brighter now; they seem to shine with life in a way they never have before.

Jihoon takes you in properly, and god, you’ve gotten so much more beautiful since the last time he saw you. It hurts. It hurts a lot to see how good you look now, without him. He knows it’s a lot more complicated than that, but it still hurts nonetheless.

You look healthy, like an actual person and not a skeleton, and you were never that way when you were an idol. You were never like that when you were with Jihoon.

“Oh, um, thank you. Should we… should we sit? We have a lot to talk about.” You laugh again to hide your nerves. Jihoon can still read you, and he knows you’re brimming with nerves. He knows you’re a little scared, probably more than a little, and he is too.

You’ve never breached the subject, hardly even talked about your breakup. Jihoon doesn’t like to think about it. He just doesn’t. He doesn’t like to think about how much worse you were doing, even if it destroyed him. The breakup was harder on you, tenfold, and you went through it alone.

“I- uh. Yeah, yeah, we can go sit. It’s probably about time we talk.” Jihoon laughs nervously, closing his eyes for a second. He wordlessly starts walking towards the vacant booths of the club. You follow close behind.

Jihoon sits down, and you take a seat across from him. It’s silent for a few moments. Both of you are staring at your cups, not drinking, just swirling your liquids of choice.

Jihoon speaks first, but he can’t look at you. “Why’d you have to leave me?” He asks, and his voice breaks softly as he says it. You certainly weren’t expecting that as the first question he asked, but you don’t really know what else he would’ve asked.

“I… I had to leave everything that had to do with being an idol behind. You… you included.” It’s a shitty answer, but you can’t think in Jihoon’s presence.

“I understand that, but I would’ve been there for you. I would’ve helped you get help. You didn’t have to do it by yourself, Y/N. I loved you; I would’ve done anything to make sure you were safe.” Jihoon’s bites at his lip, eyes sparkling in the low lights of the club. He looks like he’s about to cry, and god does it break your heart.

He loved you, past tense. It’s jarring. It stings, but what else did you expect? For him to still want you? That’s unrealistic and completely unfair to expect from him.

It hits you then that you might still be in love with him. That makes this next part so much harder.

“I know. I know, but it made sense to me at the time. I can’t- I can’t rationalize anything that I did at that time in my life. None of it makes sense, but I made a lot of choices that I regret and I can’t go back on them now. It’s too late for that and I’m- I’m so sorry for everything I put you through, Jihoon. All of it; everything, god, I’m so sorry.” You spill, and the soft burn in the back of your throat makes it hard to speak as you try not to cry. “You didn’t deserve to deal with any of it.” You whisper softly.

“Y/N,” Jihoon whispers back, “I forgave you a long time ago. I just want closure.” Closure. Jihoon wants closure, meaning he wants to move on. The tears in his eyes shine brightly, though they don’t fall, but he’s crying nonetheless, and that makes you feel worse.

“I don’t deserve that though. I don’t deserve to be forgiven for just leaving you. Seungcheol still hasn’t forgiven me; why the hell would you?” You swallow hard, and that seems to break the dam as the first few tears slip down your cheeks.

“Seungcheol has his own issues. We never told him the full story, and maybe that’s why he’s still… iffy about the whole thing. But I forgive you. I just, I want to stop hiding from you. I don’t want to be worried about running into you somewhere and not knowing what to say. I still care about you, so much, and, god does it fucking kill me to still worry about you when you’ve never made an effort to reach out to me.” Jihoon’s always been blunt, so you should’ve expected this, but it makes you feel worse; guilty. “I would’ve answered your calls, in a heartbeat. You know I would’ve.” Jihoon blinks, and the first few tears fall down his face.

“I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to call you after so long. I spent six months in and out of the hospital, and after that I had to get back on my feet. By the time I even had time to think about calling you, it’d been a year, and to me that was too late.” You close your eyes and exhale deeply, fingers twitching.

Jihoon used to hold your hands when you were upset to stop them from twitching so much. He used to pull your head close to his chest and wipe your tears with the pads of his thumbs. He makes no effort to do so now. Jihoon can’t even look at you properly.

He’s focused on picking at the calluses on his palms. Some things never change.

“You- six months? Y/N, fuck, I had no idea. I knew it was bad but, shit, really?” Jihoon’s voice breaks fully, and all you can do is nod. “How many more times? How many times did you—?” He can’t finish his sentence. His throat closes up.

“Four.” Jihoon has nothing to say in reply. He can’t, not with the deep hurt that settles in his chest, so you elaborate. “I really just wanted to die. The media was on my ass for the first year and it was just bad. I spent the next year after that in a rehabilitation program to fix my relationship with food and it helped a lot. I found a good therapist and I’m still seeing her. It’s helped a lot. I’m- I’m clean.” You pick up your cup, hand shaking, and take a large drink to calm your nerves.

“I’m really glad that you’re healthy now. Really, god, that’s such a relief.” Jihoon’s tears are steady now. He wipes at them with his sleeve. You mutter a soft thank you.

Outside of the booth, the noise has been blocked out by your conversation, but you hear something peculiar. It’s Seungcheol, his voice is loud and booming. He’s angry.

“What the fuck are they doing here?! Seriously, why did you even invite them?” Both you and Jihoon look up at the same time to see Joshua and Mingyu trying to deescalate the situation. Seungkwan is yelling back, face red as he tries to block Seungcheol’s view of the booth you and Jihoon are sat in.

“No, I’ve fucking had it with all of you. Defending them for just fucking leaving Jihoon without a word. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you bring them here?” Seungcheol is drunk and looking for a confrontation with you, and that’s enough of a threat to have you and Jihoon standing as he tries to usher you out of the club without Seungcheol seeing.

“Fuck, you should probably go.” Jihoon pulls you close to him, shielding you from Seungcheol’s view. You nod, walking fast beside him as you push your way through the crowd.

“Yah! You, get the fuck back here!” Neither of you listen as you push your way out of the door. You make the mistake of looking behind you to see Joshua and Mingyu physically holding Seungcheol back. Wonwoo is there now too, standing in front of him to prevent him from walking.

The outside air is cold and bitter. You shiver as you pull out your phone to order a ride. You and Jihoon are completely silent. He’s standing so close to you that you can feel his body heat radiating off onto you.

“I’ll wait with you. How long?” He asks, voice shaky.

“Two minutes.” You only have two minutes left with Jihoon. It’s so finite, the time you’re spending with him. If only you had more time.

You’re not afforded that luxury as you shiver beside him. “Can I- is it okay if I—?” You nod, unsure of what he’s asking. It’s a yes either way. Jihoon pulls you into his arms in a tight, warm hug. His hands don’t find their way into your hair, or rub your back. He just holds you. It’s all he can do.

Both of you ignore the mutual swell of warmth in your chests. You’re still in love with him, you know that, and that’s why the car seems to show up in no time. Your phone chimes as the car pulls up in front of the club as you reluctantly start to separate yourselves.

There’s so much you didn’t get to talk about. You tell him so. “We, fuck, I had so much more to say. I had so much more to explain. You, god, you were the right person, Jihoon. Everything else was just so wrong.” You thought the weight would’ve been lifted off your chest, but it only hurts more. You close your eyes as you turn away.

“Y/N, fuck, don’t do this to me right now.” Jihoon whispers, eyes filling with tears once again.

“I’m sorry Jihoon. I love you. I’ll see you around.” You open the door to the car.

“I, yeah. Take care of yourself.” Jihoon can’t look at you, no way in hell can he look at you as you close the door and drive off. He stands still in the cold, watching as the car disappears from his sight. He leans against the wall, head falling back as the tears start pouring freely.

As he pushes the door to the club open, it hits him hard, fills his whole body as a bone deep love for you settles. And it hurts, god does it hurt. Seungcheol’s calmed down, but the snide remark that slips past his lip doesn’t even register in Jihoon’s brain. All Jihoon recognizes is his tone, and that’s enough.

“I’ll punch you right in your fucking mouth, Seungcheol, I swear to god. Shut the fuck up.” Jihoon hardly ever makes threats, but when he does it has everyone going quiet. Seungcheol, Joshua and Mingyu stop in their tracks. There’s been enough drama for one night.

Jihoon grabs a new drink and chugs it, before he goes to grab his coat. He needs to get out of here before the sob building in his throat bursts.

You manage to keep your tears at bay until you enter your apartment. You find yourself in the bathroom, against the cold tile and the porcelain of the bathtub. You don’t do anything, just sit there and breathe as the tears flow freely.

It wasn’t supposed to end like that. You were supposed to have more time to reconcile with Jihoon. You and bathrooms have seen a lot of hurt. Most of your bad decisions are made in bathrooms. You don’t do anything, you just sit there for a few minutes as you cry.

Nothing happens the next night. Or the night after. A week after the release party, Jihoon still plagues your mind and that’s when you crack. Your old manager turned friend answers the phone.

“Hi. You okay?” Yena asks softly, voice ridden with sleep.

“Drive me to the hospital? I think I need stitches.” You laugh nervously. The adrenaline has worn off and all you feel is regret.

“Y/N.” She sighs, but it’s not disappointment. She’s seen a lot of things with you, and supported you through all of them. You’re the reason she quit being a manager and went back to university. You made her realize the idol life isn’t as glamorous as it seems, and you’ve formed a very solid friendship over the past five years. “You know they’re gonna keep you for a few days, right?”

“Yeah. I know. It was impulsive. Like, I’m fine now. I just couldn’t stop thinking.” You sigh.

“Give me a few minutes and I’ll be on the way. Cold water and pressure until I get there, yeah?” You laugh softly.

“Already on it.” The call disconnects soon after, and you look up at the mirror. Briefly, you imagine Jihoon standing behind you in a much different situation than the one you’re in now.

His thick arms are wrapped around your waist, head leaning against yours. He’s smiling in your vision. You smile softly in your reflection, though it’s strained. The blood on your hands pulls you out of it.

a/n: i wrote this when i was going through it. i’m fine now but i seriously can’t do angst like i used to so i might write a part two or something where they end up back together.

172 notes · View notes

aleksa-sims · 8 months

Text

Simselfstory

The next day D. & I went to my parents to pick up our cat and some of my stuff. Last night, we talked again. We decided to just stay together for now, to see..... how things will turn out.

There was also something else D. told me. Since he was getting better while he was away, he thought about starting his own business, bcs he quit his job. My Dad offered to help him.

The two had this in mind anyway. They talked about it months ago and now it was time to inplement things. I don’t want to go into too much detail rn. It will explain itself over time.

Mom: You have to take your pills regularly, D. This is important! The same goes for you, A.! The more time passes, the better you’ll be and hopefully..... forget what happend. 😞

Dad (to Daniel): The main thing is that you are safe & fine. Soon we have a lot to do and distraction is always good! But one thing I want to mention again. No matter what probs you two have, even if you relapse, talk to us!! None of us will blame you for asking for help. We want you two to be well, okay?

Daniel: Yea, I got it. 😔

Dad: And what about you A.?

Me: Yea, ok! But I want you to help D. with that job thing.

Dad: Of course I’ll help him. And actually we could start immediately, but if we proceed as planned and discussed, it may be that you and Daniel have to move. 😕

Me: Um... okay. I am prepared to do whatever it takes. 🙂(😟)

Daniel (to me): You...are really ready to move? To.... my house!? 😯

Me: We’ve talked about it before, and..... now that I’m pregnant, why not? You, me and.................. our Baby? 😳

Daniel: I love you, so I’ll love your Baby, too. Our Baby! And well, N.'s Baby. 🤨

Mom: Are you serious about this, D.? Can- and do you even want that?? 😟

Daniel: Yes!

Me: We decided to try and I have to talk to N. about it too.

Dad: However you decide to continue, together or .... separately, I will help Daniel. I’m just clarifying this, so you don’t make your decision dependent on that.

My Dad and Daniel kept talking about their new plans, while my Mom couldn't stop asking me questions.

Mom: You really wanna move? You know what kind of... strange things his mother did there. In that house! 😟

Me: It's a pretty house. I like it there. And she moved out, it's all fine. Besides, I have other worries rn, as you know.

Mom: That’s what I’ve been trying to make clear to you these past few weeks. But well, now you're pregnant. Either you two accept this and move on, or you’re really getting a divorce.

Me: He wants us to stay together. And actually I want the same. I don't wanna lose him.... I’m moving back to our apartment with him for a short while, see if Daniel and I can make it? And, I'm gonna talk to N. I don’t want to disappoint N. or hurt him. I have to come up with something. A soloution! 😟🤯

Mom: In other words, it's either/or? There is no other way out, A.!

Me: Who says that? You?.... I’m gonna do what’s right for me, Daniel and Nico, not for you or anyone else. 😒

Mom: What are you trying to tell me?.... You can’t do the same thing you did back then. This isn't normal!.. And you were unhappy! That’s not what you want! And I’m sure Daniel won’t agree with that. 😦

Me: I'm going to do what I got to do.

Mom: I know you A.! You won’t do anything. You will wait until one of them.......... goes nuts.

Me: I don’t think so. 😒

Just before Daniel and I wanted to leave, Ana also had some questions for me.😩

Me: Everything you are about to say, drop it pls.

Ana: Um.... ok! Have you had makeup sex? Or, no! I’d rather call it... homecoming-sex.🧐 I mean, you didn’t really fight, he just... took off.🤷‍♀️

Me: No, we didn’t!! We talked!

Ana: Then it's obvious! You want N.! With him you couldn’t wait even 24 hours. Plus, he knocked you up. 🤷‍♀️😬

Me: Ah...yup. You know, we'll see S. later. Are you joining us?

Ana: Nah! Sounds like a double date, I really don’t feel like it. I have other plans. And now go and have fun with your..... man. 😏

Me: Who are you having fun with, Ana? 🤨 Dennis?

Ana: Are you jealous of me for Dennis? 😜

Me: Ugh!... NO! 😖

Ana: Don't worry, sis. I’m not dating Dennis, a messed up guy. NO thanks! I have fun...... with myself. 😄

Me: Hmm?... I know you Ana! You have a secret. And you know me, baby sis. I'll uncover it. 😏💁‍♀️

Ana: Weirdo!

Ana really had a secret. At first I thought she was back with Adam or something, but no, it wasn’t Adam. Just that much, I get why she kept it a secret. 🤭

Previous/Next

#ts4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #rl story #myrlgameplay #cw addiction #cw pregnancy

19 notes · View notes

mingos · 6 months

Text

oof. so… hello.

i know i’m not obligated to explain my absences, but i figured i should anyway because this is actually a long-standing issue i've been dealing with that, god fucking willing, doesn't happen againーbut that is what i told myself three weeks ago before it happened again. basically, because it can sometimes be so common, kinda just want to give a heads up if i ever start acting weird or distant because apparently i've upset some people i didn't mean to.

that stresses me out because, as i've mentioned before, i kind of have this tendency to shut down completely during stressful situations and not speak to anybody, which eventually turns into friends dropping me for a perceived lack of interest (not their fault, my fault). i'm actively trying to break that habit & be okay with vulnerability, so i want to be honest about where i've been and where i could potentially go in the future if this shit happens againーin a few weeks, in a few months, tomorrow... it all just depends, it's not a situation i can control. i'm not trying to ignore people. i just deal with a lot sometimes.

content warnings immediately below the cut but idk maybe just don’t read this if you’re in a bad headspace, or a really good headspace that you don't want ruined. no one should read this, actually. just jump to the last two paragraphs. this is just me explaining i'll hopefully feel okay enough to be back by the weekend.

cw: alcoholism; cw: domestic abuse; cw: gen. bad mental health

　i currently live in a dysfunctional situation with an alcoholic & addict family member as the last person in our family yet to distance themselves/cut them off. reason being is they relapse a lot. like, “an average of at least once every 2-4 months since i was 14” a lot. this is a long-standing problem. they’ve been through quite literally every treatment plan imaginable and nothing has stuck.

i do love this person; the majority of the time they're not relapsing, they’re kind & loving. when it’s good, it’s good. but when it’s bad jesus christ… i gotta level with you and say i've feared for my life a couple times.

they become angry & spiteful when drunk and, as of the last few years, physical. mostly when i try to confiscate things i find because i'm "stealing their property" and it’s therefore, to their drunk mind, justifiable. this is a mindset i’m still trying to unlearn because of course i don’t deserve it—taking a wine bottle away from an alcoholic for their own good isn’t justification for them almost suffocating you in an attempt to get it back, or breaking the lock on your bedroom door—but it’s hard to internalize that sometimes when your brain is beaten down, y’know?

when not being guilted into silence so i don’t “ruin their life more” or get threatened with being removed from the house by police, i’ve pretty much exhausted any sympathy or help i get from the rest of my family. half of them either have my # blocked or don’t answer under the weird assumption my family member is going to… use my phone to contact them? which is something that’s never happened before. the other half kind of just shrug because i’m choosing to say here and am an adult with the ability to leave whenever i want, just like they did.

　but i can’t leave—because, like i said, it’s just me now. no one else checks on this person, no one else lives with us, and i’ve already had to call 911 for them multiple times. living with them during a relapse is hell but so is whenever i have to leave the house because if something happens to them or their dog that suddenly becomes my fault. basically, whenever these episodes happen it’s just several days (or weeks) of nonstop stress. but there's nothing else i can really do. i just have to put up with it & ride it out.

　things have finally calmed down again; apologies were made, talks were had, we cleaned out their stash together... i finally have some breathing room. kind of. i still have no energy to do anything because i've just been in survival mode the last week (& also sick), so hopefully i can be back to writing by this weekend but i really don't know. i'm still paranoid something bad is going to happen so maybe i'm not out of that mindset just yetーi need to decompress a little before i can feel normal again.

thank you for your patience, and for those who have checked on me & especially those who were understanding it was kind of hard for me to have the energy to talk outside of my one or two comfort people. i miss you all very many and hope nothing more for you all to be loved, warm & safe. love you all very many.

#‘ 001. ’ (out of character)#❛ 'what am i going to queue with law'? ❜ (queue)#will probably delete this eventually because this is honestly a level of Being Perceived that makes me uncomfortable because i feel patheti #but i've met at least two other people in similar situations to me so if there's anybody else out there i see you & love you.

13 notes · View notes

d1ssolvedg1rl · 18 days

Note

My heart breaks when I come across a page like yours with an owner the age you are because I see myself a decade ago. I would genuinely give my life to stop young me from going down the road I did and it all began with a small ed account similar to yours. I was thirteen then, completely sure this would be something I’d do for a few months and then be done with it. I’m now twenty one. I’m relapsing again. It has never stopped for one second. The voice is always there. There hasn’t been a moment since I created that first account where I have had a healthy thought about food or my body. Over the years, my view of myself has become so distorted that I don’t trust the mirror. I look at myself and am always unsure if I actually look like that. Or if I’m fatter or skinnier. I haven’t worn tank tops or anything with spaghetti straps since I was thirteen. If I wear leggings, I have to wear shirts long enough to cover my thighs. I delete photos from my family’s photo album because I hate how I look. This disorder stemmed from a traumatic incident, but as time as passed and I’ve gotten therapy, I’ve gotten over it, but this disorder lingers on. It sticks on you and takes a mind of its own. I plan my outfits for fancy events weeks in advance. I hate my family’s tradition of taking pajama photos in Christmas because I think I look fat in pajamas. I hate how I dress. I wish I could dress how I want, but I hate myself so much in it that I settle for boring shit. It holds me back from being healthy, authentic, and free. When I first created my account, I too get messages from older people saying the same thing I’m telling you now. And I also ignored them. I didn’t care and thought I wouldn’t let it get “that bad.” But, spoiler alert, just THINKING about starving yourself is “that bad.” My heart aches as I know you are starting a vicious cycle that will steal so much happiness. I wish I listened when I was thirteen. My only regret in my entire life is this disorder. The only thing I wish I could change. It is impossible for me to convey how much it isn’t worth it. You’re young. Delete this account and reach out ASAP. You’re doing this for a deeper reason than just weight loss (probably control). You have time before you’re doomed like me. Because that’s what I am. Doomed. This will always haunt me. I know I’m lucky if you even consider what I’m saying right now and I understand if you respond with a little “thanks but I’m too fat anyway xoxo.” I know you because you are me in the same exact path I was. I look on your account and it’s word for word, post for post, picture for picture of what I did. You don’t realize how much of a kid you still are and it just is heartbreaking watching you suffer. Knowing first hand the pain you’re enduring. There is a way out, but I can’t force you to take it. I can tell you life will be way easier if you get out now, or you can learn the hard way. It’s up to you. But regardless, I am sending all of my love to you. You deserve so much more and I am so sorry for whatever brought you to this state. Please stay safe and please hang in there. You will see this through and it will get better. Keep living❤️

Thank you, this is the sweetest message I've ever received. I don't know if I can stop. I don't know where this disorder stems from, maybe partially because I want control and partially because I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I'm perceived. It makes me sick. I've struggled with insecurity and restricting myself to lose weight since I was 12. The first time I saw a post on edblr, the first time I made myself throw up a meal, the first time I followed some insane diet and got this insanely euphoric happiness when I saw I lost 10 lbs in 10 days was may of this year. That's where it really started. It's just gotten worse and worse, worse than I ever expected. Originally I was gonna get to 130 and stop. Then 125. 120. 115. 110. I always told myself "nothing lower than 105. Too low." And now I have an insatiable craving to be 98 lbs. What happened? I don't know. I know it's bad, unhealthy, unsustainable. I know I'll cause health issues, my hair could fall out, lanugo, death, etc. I've heard it all. It doesn't scare me enough because I just can't stop. Partially because I always tell myself I won't let it get there even though it probably will. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I think it's already a lost cause. I can't stop. I've been addicted to hard drugs since I was 13. I've been nearly arrested. I've overdosed on opiates twice. I'm 6 months sober now, but against my will. A part of me thinks I swapped my drug addiction with an eating disorder. I don't know. I see a social worker, but I lie to her face. I have a lifetime of trauma that I can never recover from. I think maybe I'm broken, and it's my purpose to suffer like this because I can never seem to get better or stop. I always replace it with something else or get worse. I'm sorry you're struggling and you've been hurting for so long. I'm sorry you can't help me, you are so sweet for sending this in. I hope you're okay. I hope one day this won't haunt you anymore, because you deserve to be happy. You're beautiful. Sending you lots n lots of hugs 🫂

#asks 🌀#sorry this is poorly written and late #im at school #this genuinely means so much to me anon #youre the sweetest please be easy on yourself

0 notes

n0resistance · 5 months

Text

April

Spring is here and a lot of changes are happening including the weather. This time of year makes me miss my mom the most. She died in April, I haven’t seen her since February 2004. She was visiting the Philippines when she relapsed. We really didn’t expect her to die so suddenly. The week she was supposed to travel back home was when she passed. I was 12, my sisters were 16 and 21. I still had braces. My hair was still blonde.

I remember being on the way to the airport to go to Manila. My sister called my orthodontist to say I wasn’t coming into my appointment and to not charge me for a no show. She was the most responsible out of all of us. They asked her why? She said “because her mom died.” She hung up. That was the moment it was real. When you say it out loud it’s real. This actually happened. We don’t have a mom anymore.

The actual funeral, I felt her dead hand in mine, to give her a letter I wrote to say goodbye, right before they buried her. I don’t even know what I wrote. I never stopped writing or talking, or thinking about her. I wonder things like if she would’ve been proud of me. I do feel like she would’ve really liked my boyfriend as a person and would be happy that I found him. She would’ve really liked all my closest friends and the fact that I chose to live in New York.

I wonder what would’ve been different in my family and my life. Would my parents be happy? There was a lot of unhealthy things going on in the 90’s. I feel like that generation had a lack of education on how to take care of your body and emotions. Her diet, her stress levels, that she never processed her trauma, none of this made her life better. She really started to hate America and wanted us to move to the Philippines where she would have an easier life. My dad being a teacher didn’t want to give up his pension and career. His career in education made her have to stay. So it wasn’t going to happen. She didn’t like things like the prices, taxes, the winter, and all the work she had to do to be here.

I guess a lot of people come to America to “make it” and they go back home, but I think it’s difficult when your kids are American, as well as husband, and it’s not so easy to uproot.. Your husband has his job here, and you have too many attachments. I myself dream of living abroad and have my steady relationship and family grounding me all the time to stay home and do all the things I need to do here.

I have to say April 12, 2004 was probably the worst day of my life. Our entire life changed. We had to keep going without her. It wasn’t easy. Things got so bad with drama that I was so determined to come to New York for college. I didn’t care how expensive it was or how hard it was going to be. I had to do it. I had to have a better life, and a chance to escape all the bad memories. I just wanted a new everything and a chance to forget. Not to mention I am a pretty bad driver with anxiety behind the wheel especially on highways, so that made it hard for me to stay in New Jersey. NYC is the only place I know you don’t need a car to survive, really. When I turned 19 I was one of the few people I knew who didn’t get a DUI.

I miss traveling with my parents. I went shopping with them to get our winter home in the Poconos when I was 7. Every time they became more successful was a win. I miss my Mommy Leonie so much. She was an amazing grandmother. She cooked amazing food, loved I love Lucy, danced with me, put curlers in my hair, and was my best friend. She really knew how to take care of a family. I miss being a kid. I miss my family, the way we used to be. Now I’m old enough to start my own family. I don’t even know where the time went. Or how I would develop the capacity to do it.

My mom said don’t make my mistakes make your own. Which is exactly what I did. I can’t even compare our lives. We are so different with different circumstances every step of the way. Even though she died 20 years ago. I still feel like a child on that day who just wanted to see her once last time.

0 notes

alsjeblieft-zeg · 2 years

Text

154 of 2023

Random Secrets from Others 2! [True or False]

Created by joybucket

I have a lot of fun making these. These are random people's secrets that I have found online. Put an X next to the secrets that you share, and elaborate if you wish. Have fun! :)

Everyone around me is religious, but I'm an atheist, and no one knows. My friend told me he has cancer and will likely die within a year. ....and he told me not to tell anyone about it. I absolutely loved being pregnant and would gladly carry someone else's child. 🤰 I'm jealous of women who have a happy experience while pregnant. 🤰 I feel like I'm so far behind when it comes to dating that I never really had the courage to ask anyone out. I was raised super religious, and I started losing my faith when I was 23. (earlier) My first two years of college were the best two years of my life so far, and I wish I could go back and re-live them again. I've relapsed with my anorexia. ...I know I've relapsed. I know this could kill me. But it's not enough for me to overcome the messed up part of my brain that says "at least you'll die thinner." I've been dealing with an eating disorder for over a decade now, and it's not an easy battle. My parents don't know I'm gay. If they found out I'd end up homeless. My family doesn't know I walked out on my job nearly four weeks ago, and I'm too embarrassed to tell them, because I don't want any more financial help from them. My depression hasn't actually gotten any better and if anything, it has gotten worse. But I feel so guilty every time I talk to my friends about it, so I stopped talking about it, and now everyone thinks I'm doing better. I don't know what to do. My life isn't perfect. In fact, it's far from it. I just found out I'm pregnant. I haven't let anyone take a photo of me in years, because I gained weight. I haven't been able to feel genuine happiness for a long time now; I've only been able to feel stress, sadness, and anger. It's driving me crazy. I'm soon to be homeless. My high school best friend was gay. ....and he was in a leadership position in the local church. ....even when he was married to a woman, while at the same time sleeping with a man. I just graduated from college, and now I'm really depressed. I don't feel an emotional connection to any of my friends or family. Despite being really happy and satisfied in my current relationship, I still have feelings for my ex. I'm in love with my best friend. One of my biggest fears is losing touch with reality. I've been hallucinating, and I'm scared to tell anyone. I have a chronic illness and I'm making it worse by staying in the workforce, but I get so much of my identity from my career that I just can't leave it yet. I was sexually assaulted as a high schooler, and I still blame myself. I like drinking more than I have a desire to stop, and I'm not sure where that's going to lead me. I've had people wonder dumbfounded at how I'm still single. I'm bulimic. Only my wife knows, and not to the fullest extent. My grades have dropped dramatically since I went to college, and I'm too ashamed to tell my parents. I had feelings for a man that was older than my dad. I don't feel motivated enough to go back to college, but I'm afraid to tell anyone that, because they'll probably just brush it off by saying I'm lazy. I'm sleeping with my coworker. (he’s my husband lol) I have a boyfriend in another city. I weigh more than I care to admit. I don't love him. I just lust after him. I am sleeping with him for his money. I hate his new girlfriend, but I smile when she is around. I'm terrified of having children. I was raped. My best friend saved my life. I'm bisexual. ....and I feel alone at church because of it. I've stuffed my bra. I used to be a Christian, but I'm not sure I would call myself one anymore. I joined a sports team so I could see everyone naked. COVID taught me who my real friends are. George Floyd's death taught me who the true racists are. Technology today makes me feel like an alien. 💻👽 Gambling destroyed my last marriage. The problem with getting to know people is that once you know them, you might not want to know them anymore. I plan to end it all soon. Finally. I am asexual. ....and I don't know where I fit in! Most of the time I feel like a complete loser and failure. I'll never give up. I smoke pot, and I'm afraid I'm smoking away my future. My local public library played a crucial role in my recovery from severe depression. 📚 I am proving to my childhood self that I'm exactly who I promised who I would be. I'm really proud of that. I wish I had spent more time just being a kid. I think most adults are kind of boring...but they don't have to be. Honestly, I'm glad the weddings I had for 2020 were canceled. My friends' weddings were getting EXPENSIVE! 💒 Now that we are forced to be distant, I finally realized I am ready to be close to someone again. My ring is fake. I'm THAT lonely and THAT pathetic. 💍 I want to have ceiling stars in my bedroom even when I'm married with kids of my own. ✨ I feel helpless watching your mental illness destroy you. I'm cheating in my college classes. I'm trying real hard not to panic. Just for once, I'd like to be the pretty girl. It is so hard to make friends in college. College was easy for making friends, even for an introvert like me. It's the "real" adult world that shrinks your friend base. My dad used to spank my mom in front of us. I'm terrified that this might end with you killing me. Never once did I imagine that love might be so hard to find. Maybe it only happens to others. Some people plan vacations; I plan my divorce. I wasted so many years. I really want to be famous, but only so I can meet other famous people. My porn addiction made me unable to feel real love. I am starting to like myself fully for the first time. I've stalked my crushes on social media. My work friends are my only friends. I'm thinking of getting back together with my ex, so I won't have to spend the festive season alone. 🎄 I married a man I didn't love to wound the one who meant the world to me. I'd never known joy until I started traveling alone. Everyone envies that I'm traveling the world, when what I want most is for you to ask me to stay. My personality is dependent on coffee. ☕️ All signs point to God. But I don't WANT them to! I have a chronic disease that is slowly killing me. I'm mad at myself for taking so long to figure out it was rape. I've finally stopped trying to be perfect. I've never been happier. Now that I look the way I always wanted to look, I'm less happy than before. Words cannot describe how thankful I am that your suicide attempt failed. Being gay is much less fun now that we've forced them to accept us. 🏳️‍🌈 My life looks much better on social media. Truth is, I'm miserable. I want another child so badly.

#survey #bolding survey #themed survey

0 notes

tryingtobeskinnynow · 2 years

Text

Over Due Update

I started this blog years ago and never really kept up with it. I ended up moving over to Instagram for a time. However, tumblr never really left my life I just always tried to ignore this blog.

I guess I should give some warning before I continue this is a relapse entry I talk about how I was doing good and I've relapsed and how I use to feel and how I'm starting to feel now. I also talk about migraines and doctors. If any of this seems like it can trigger you please move past I'm just writing more for me to get release then anything!

I guess I thought if I ignored it but didn’t delete it I wouldn't fall back down the rabbit hole of my ed. Enough of a reminder of how bad I was getting. Yet, here we are clearly not working to the effect I would like.

I’ve been struggling again. I stopped eating most days. Enjoying be busy as it gives reason to “forget” to eat. I pick up too many shifts and if I don't I try to sleep the day away so I don’t feel hungry and end up binging.

I was doing good for a while eating well, being active but not overly so. I was... happy.

But I’m back to old ways. Some part of me always hoped this would stay in my younger teen years. That as I aged it would go away. I know that's not how it works but I wanted it to work that way for me.

I want to be normal, I want to be able to look at food and eat it without stressing about what its going to do to my body how it will add to my weight. I want to be able to eat something I love the taste of and not feel guilty because its carbs or full of sugars and calories.

Past few weeks I've been going to the gym. I noticed that as I start to get about 20 minuets into my workouts of any kind I get migraines. I've tried taking Tylenol or Advil as soon as they come so it wont effect my workout. It never works I end up going home taking a shower and hiding in my black room till I sleep and its gone or it passes on its own.

I’m putting this here about my migraines because I had a panic attack over the fact that if I can’t work out I'm gonna gain weight, I'm not going to get to where I want myself, where ill be happy with my self.

Its making me gain weight I'm even getting them if I get over exerted at work. My mom who I think knows of my ed but never actually says anything just try's to get me to eat. I think she wants me to go to the doctor.

How do I go to a doctor and say I get migraines when I workout or work to hard and it caused me a panic attack because I cant work or go to gym. She will laugh me out the room thinking I'm lying or being lazy.

I've suffered migraines since a kid. Yes, they are getting worse but my doctor never did anything before why would they now?

I feel lost again. I feel out of control. Like I'm spinning and every one around me is still and calm. I don’t want to go back to how I once was...

1 note · View note

shingia · 4 years

Note

Could I request Kuroo, Bokuto, Tsukishima, Sakusa, Miya twins, and Tendou with a reader who used to self harm but was sober for a while, only to relapse after they left bc of a huge argument then please and thanks? Sorry if that’s really intense tho. And thank u for being so nice🙂💞

[𝐓𝐖] 𝐒/𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅-𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐌

ok i reaaally hope this is what you expected. i didn’t know what kind of ending you wanted but i decided that you, my friend, needed comfort, so i gave you comfort because you deserve it ❤️️

i hope reading this will make you feel better! kisses on your nose ❤️️

type : (strong) angst | word count : 4.4K

warnings : mentions of self-harm, depiction of depressive behavior (plz do not read if any of these might trigger something, i want you all to be safe <3)

⇀ 𝐤𝐮𝐫𝐨𝐨

« fuck you, kuroo. fuck. you. ». those were the last words you had told him. they had hurt, but they were nothing compared to the last words he had told you, the words that kept playing over and over in your head as you slowly felt yourself drift to your old habits again : « i’m done with you ».

was it your fault ? did you push him over the edge ? you had many questions to ask kuroo, but he wasn’t there to answer anymore. so these thoughts were left spiraling in your head as you started to lose balance between love and pain. because his love used to be the cure to your pain. so now what ? what were you supposed to do other than going back to your old habits ? you couldn’t think of any answer.

on monday morning, you woke up thirty minutes earlier because, first of all, you needed some time for the swelling of your eyes to go down, and second of all, you needed to mentally prepare yourself to see kuroo again. it had been two days since your fight, and he had not manifested himself once. it seemed to be well and truly over ; and that thought had been the main cause of the collapsing of your mental strength over the last two days.

during your first period, although you were avoiding his gaze, kuroo couldn’t help but cast glances in your direction. because he knew you better than anyone, and he could only imagine how hurt you were.

but he really started to get suspicious when he noticed you were not raising your hand to correct today’s homework. he had helped you with that last week, and you had told him that you felt confident enough to propose your correction to the class ; which rarely happened. so why weren’t you raising your hand ?

he had a bad feeling about the answer… he didn’t care about giving you quick glances anymore, he just stared at your arms until one of your movements would make your sleeve reveal just a few inches of your skin.

and he was horrified to have his fears confirmed. the cuts that he had so often kissed while holding you in his arms were back. and he knew it was all because of him. and although his first thought was that it was not his job to heal them anymore, he couldn’t bring himself to act unbothered.

he had loved you for long enough to know that you needed him right now. or maybe he still loved you ? it was not clear, but it didn’t matter right now. what mattered was that he needed you to listen to what he wanted to say, even if that was the last thing you accepted to hear from him.

« y/n, we need to talk » he told you once you got out of the classroom. you looked up at him ; his face was unusually austere. he carefully grabbed your shoulder and took you away from everyone else.

« i can’t… i couldn’t walk out of there pretending like i didn’t see what your arms looked like » he started. « now listen, i know i fucked up, but i still care. and you still matter. whatever our relationship is doesn’t define you and most importantly, these don’t define you » he pointed at your wrists, his brows furrowed with concern. « so please, i’m begging you, keep in mind that i’m always here if you need to talk. always. and if you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine, but in that case, please find someone else. for the sake of everything we've been through together, don't let everything you’ve accomplished go to waste » and he wrapped his arms around you in the strongest hug he had ever given.

⇀ 𝐛𝐨𝐤𝐮𝐭𝐨

it had already been a week. and bokuto had absolutely no idea what to do. call you ? text you ? probably not. what would he even say ? « hi, sorry for slamming the door in your face after screaming at you for fifteen minutes. am i still your boyfriend ? » awful idea.

and while bokuto was pondering every option he had left to get in touch with you, you were left in the darkest place of your mind. and you hadn’t felt like that in a few months. because bokuto used to always be there, his number on speed dial whenever you feared you would relapse. and thanks to his unwavering support, you hadn’t. but was there anything in this world that was truly unwavering ? you really started to doubt it. and now that bokuto had left you, what could carry the pain away ? whatever the answer was, you were in no condition to think rationally about it.

you remembered how he used to celebrate every improvement in your mental health, how strong of a cornerstone he had been for you. and just the fact of not knowing where you guys were at after your fight was enough to make you feel like you were drowning again.

you were overflowing with emotions that you thought you couldn’t control, and apart from holding on tight to bokuto’s chest, you only knew one way to feel better.

you loved him, you really did. but after a week without hearing from him, you started to think that maybe his feelings were not as real as he pretended they were. and how could you not blame him for that ? for letting you down so fast ?

curled up in your bed, tears were streaming down your face ; because you felt weaker than you had promised yourself to be. you were exhausted, in every sense of the word, yet there was still a tiny bit of strength left in your body that made you grab your phone and open your conversation with bokuto. the last message was a bitter pill to swallow : « no problem babe, i’m always here for you ». it was just a week ago but it felt like an eternity had passed. your fingers started slowly typing on the screen and immediately hit sent, knowing that you would second guess your message if you re-read it. « can we talk? », just three words, it was the maximum you could get off of your chest right now.

but bokuto did not answer. for the simple reason that he was too busy catching his breath in front of your door. he frantically knocked, not stopping until you opened it.

« oh my god, are you okay ?! » he exclaimed, patting your entire body like he wanted to make sure you were well and truly there. and once he had made sure of that, he pulled you against his chest like he wasn’t planning on letting you go ever again. « did- did you… » he ventured to ask, not wanting to finish his sentence precisely because he was afraid of your answer. but when he heard you let out a muffled sob against his chest, his fears instantly got replaced by guilt. more than he had ever felt. « you’re alright, i got you. i got you now… » he murmured, his hands stroking your back tenderly. « we’ll get through this together, ok ? we’ll show the world how strong you are. because i know you are. »

⇀ 𝐬𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐬𝐚

yes, sakusa had run away. and he was glad he had. because he knew how hurtful he could be with his words, and he had enough respect not to inflict that to you. but as he made his way back home, doubt started installing in his head. what if he shouldn’t have left you after your fight ? he immediately shook the thought away. no, you were good now. you were better. nothing like who you were when he met you.

and sakusa could be very convincing when he needed to, including with himself. that’s why he didn’t get in touch with you for the next three days, because he thought you just needed some time for yourself.

but when he received a worried text from komori when he got out of the gym after practice, he changed his mind within seconds. « i just saw y/n, something felt off. maybe you should check on them ? ».

sakusa felt a wave of guilt descend upon of him. of course he should. it was his fucking job to offer you his help, even when he thought you didn’t need it. and especially when he knew what you had already been through. he cursed himself all the way to your house, where he could only imagine how lonely you felt. not wanting to waste any more time, he pulled out his phone to call you. and heaved a relieved sigh at the sound of your voice : « hey, are you ok ? like, right now are you doing ok ? » he asked hastily.

you sat on your bed and rubbed your strained eyes, fiddling with the cloth of your t-shirt. « i- yeah, i’m good… » you lied. « i’m at your door, open up please, i gotta see you » he said before hanging up.

you knew sakusa was not going to take no for an answer. so, after wiping your tears and putting on a long-sleeved hoodie and sweatpants, you went to open the door.

« hi… » you uttered quietly. sakusa didn’t dare to move. he had been so determined to get to your house, but now that you were standing in front of him, he wasn’t so sure of what he was supposed to do.

you decided to be the first to break the silence, « i’m okay. and i’m sorr… » « sorry. about everything. » he pre-empted you. seeing you like this made him fear the worst. so he gently grabbed your wrists like he wanted to hold your hands, when in reality he just wanted to confirm his thoughts. and when he saw you stiffen at his touch, he knew he had guessed right. « come here » he whispered before going in for a hug. but you pulled away at the last second. « can we… go to my room ? i- i feel better there » you asked timidly.

he didn’t even answer and simply wrapped his arm around your shoulder before taking you to your bedroom where you immediately curled up on your bed. you didn’t want sakusa to see you like this, but you were in no position to fight back anymore. quietly, he laid beside you and pulled you in a warm embrace, just tight enough to let you know that he got you now.

when he noticed you were trying to find something to say, to explain yourself, he shushed you with a kiss on your shoulder. « you don’t have to speak if you don’t want to. but i want you to listen to me very carefully : don’t ever think that you’re back to square one now. you’ve dealt with this before, you’ve grown and you can do it again as long as you promise yourself to get back up. and i won’t leave your side. you deserve so much more than what you give yourself, and i’m here to remind you »

⇀ 𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐚

tsukishima’s pride was important to him, everyone knew it. the only thing he valued as much as his pride was probably you. but during your arguments, the scale always tipped in his pride’s favor, you simply could not compete.

but surprisingly enough, it was you who had told him to go away after getting in the most heated argument you had ever had. and he didn’t have to be told twice : you had shattered his beloved pride, and he was not going to stay here begging for your mercy.

he still loved you, but he also had no problem ignoring you at school. yet for some reason, this argument didn’t sit well with him. well, no arguments ever sat well with him, but today felt different.

ignoring you was one of the most hurtful things tsukishima could ever do to you. he had helped you through so much, and suddenly becoming a stranger to him was slowly bringing you back down.

« it’s just one time, i won’t relapse » you thought the first time you tried to cope with the pain the way you used to. but you feared it wouldn’t be just one time. you were diving into what you had said goodbye to ; but now that tsukishima was ignoring you, there was no one to stop you from falling, right ?

well, that would have been true if he hadn’t kept a discreet but attentive eye on you. which is why he knew very well that you had gone back to your old habits. and he needed to do something about it.

but he wasn’t good with words, and he feared that actions would not be enough this time. he needed something more permanent, something that you could keep with you all the time. so he decided to do something he had never done before, and gave it to you as soon as it was done…

receiving a letter from tsukishima was definitely not something you expected. but what was written in it was even less expected.

« i’m not the best at this kind of stuff, but… i really need you to stop being so hard on yourself. i know it’s not something i usually say, but i fell in love with you because i learned to love your imperfections. and you have to start doing the same about yourself. please. and if you need to be held, to be listened to, i’ll be there. but i wanted to write something because i want you to be able to read this as much as you need, as much as you want. i want you to get better, but even more than that, i want you to want to get better. you can do it, i believe in you more than you can think. please come to me if you need it. i love you ».

the tears that streamed down your face had a salty taste, but for the first time in a long time, they tasted like hope as well. and the next time you came face to face with yourself and your thoughts, your eyes found find their way back to the letter, and you knew that there were people that still believed in you, counted on you, loved you. tsukki was just the first one of a long list. (<3)

⇀ 𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐮

he had been there through everything. more than you would have imagined. which is probably why you felt desperately empty ever since he got so angry at you that he left without looking back. but at the time, it simply had not crossed his mind that you would suffer so deeply from his words.

but you did. a lot. and that was the reason you found yourself crying on your bedroom floor, not even able to be mad at anyone but yourself.

still oblivious to the true damage, atsumu thought he could get back to you by pretending like nothing had happened. he often did that because, to him, what was in the past belonged in the past. except that today, and in your situation, it could not work.

« wanna grab something to eat ? » was the first text he sent you. and you didn’t feel like answering, so you didn’t. « are you still mad ? i’m not <3 » was the second one. but you still didn’t feel like answering. maybe it was your fault ? maybe you were overreacting while you were just supposed to play it cool like he did ? but you would have played it cool if you knew how to.

when atsumu decided to go to your house, it was initially to apologize in person. he had not planned on seeing you looking the way you did, which was a heart-wrenching reminder of the dark period of time you had gotten through together. but here he was, standing in front of you, feeling more helpless than ever. he knew too well the look into your eyes, one that he hadn’t seen in a long time.

he dropped the pack of snacks he was holding in his hands before cupping your cheeks. « oh no, no, no. i fucked up, didn’t i ? i am… so so so sorry. c-can you forgive me ? » he stammered, absolute panic in his eyes as he took you in his arms. why would i have to forgive you ? you thought. i’m the only one to blame.

but atsumu seemed to also hear the things you didn’t say, and he refused to let you feel guilty for anything. ever so gently, he took your hands in his before placing the softest kisses on your wrists that were still covered by the sleeves of your hoodie. « i probably won’t ever forgive myself for leaving you alone. but promise me you’ll always come to me if you need help, or any kind of support, hugs, kisses… you name it. i’ll be your coping mechanism, and i’ll be the best you’ve ever had »

and he kept holding you for a long time, at least until he felt your breath become steady again. and if you thought atsumu was doting before, prepare yourself to be even more amazed now.

⇀ 𝐨𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐮

fighting with osamu was not frequent, fortunately. but when fights occured, it was bad. really bad. he tended to think that you could endure as much as atsumu when it came to harsh words ; but you couldn’t.

kind of like his brother, samu had a tendency to leave the past behind and pretend like nothing happened when he got in touch with you after a fight. and that’s what he did a week ago, after one of the biggest arguments that you had ever had.

too happy that he seemed to still want to be your boyfriend, you didn’t have the courage to tell him how you had gone back to your old habits during the time you were on bad terms. but as they said, old habits died hard, and your destructive thoughts were still very present even when things seemed to have gotten back to normal.

yet samu was not blind, and he noticed that you were acting a bit more distant since last week, since your fight. but he still thought that your problems could be solved by just keeping on pretending like everything was ok. and eventually, things would turn out ok by themselves, right ?

you were laying on his bed, turned on your side as you scrolled on your phone. usually you would have had an arm swung around him, but you didn’t want to take any risk, so you kept your distances.

« hey, come closer baby. we’ve barely cuddled today » he told you before lazily wrapping his arm around your waist.

feeling nervous, you swallowed the lump in your throat before putting your phone on the nightstand. « i’m going to sleep, samu », you said, stretching your arm to turn off the light.

but he was quicker than you and gently grabbed your arm, careful not to apply any pressure on it. his eyes widened, he had barely seen your wrist but it had been enough to notice that the scars were recent. he put two and two together and looked at you dead in the eyes ; you looked ashamed, and it broke his heart. « when did y- was it because of me ? » he asked, his voice faintly shaking. you pulled away from his hand and held your arm against you, sinking in the pillow. « no, of course not. it’s nothing » you breathed out, looking away to avoid his gaze. but he was quick to make you face him again, with a slight pressure of his fingertips on your red cheeks. « there’s only one thing that i hate more than seeing you in pain. it’s knowing that i caused this pain. let me help you, y/n. please. you deserve to feel better. i’m sorry i didn’t give you as much love as you gave me. and i’m sorry for behaving like an asshole when you needed me. just… fuck, i just love you ».

tears started prickling the corner of your eyes, but he saw you trying to hold them back. with the most gentle look in his eyes, he proposed to turn off the light if it made you feel better. and you nodded ; you knew that you’d eventually had to have a face-to-face conversation with him. it was the only way to get better. but right now you just wanted to be held without thinking about what he’d see. or wouldn’t see.

so he turned off the light and let yourself get comfortable in bed before wrapping you in his embrace once again. his soft breath against your neck was obviously not enough to make all your pain magically go away, but it let you know that he had your back. and it was all that mattered.

⇀ 𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐮

« i don’t want to do this anymore, y/n ! » tendou had yelled, making this sentence the peak of your argument. six words, and they were on replay in your minds since four days. you couldn’t believe that almost two years of relationship had ended so abruptly. but you had to face the truth : tendou had enough of you. and obviously you linked that to the turbulent start of your relationship. you knew it hadn’t been easy for him to deal with your self harm when you had just started dating. yet he had managed to make you feel so much better that you had been sober for about a year, all thanks to him. but maybe you hadn’t been grateful enough ? maybe that was why he had decided to end things now ?

the only thing you knew for sure was that he was gone, and you felt like you had lost your anchor.

you had spent the weekend in your dorm, and it had been a painful weekend. so painful that you did not get out of bed on monday morning ; it was just too much to handle. deep down you knew that you were not handling your problems the right way… and escaping reality was not viable.

but little did you know that tendou wanted nothing more than to see you again in the hallways and finally have a heart-to-heart conversation with you. and when he didn’t see you in class, he started to freak out. he knew how it was to feel alone and rejected ; and he started to fear that he had caused you to feel exactly that. so he did not follow his friends to the cafeteria at lunch and headed to your dorm instead, hoping that you’d open the door.

and you did. thank god you did. but panic started bubbling in his chest when his eyes laid on your face.

« alright, come here » he told you with a forced smile before pulling you in his embrace. truthfully, he didn’t feel like smiling, but he knew that the last thing you needed was to think you made him feel bad. when he was with you, his main goal was to cheer you up, he’d deal with himself later. « angel… did you do it again ? » he asked, his tone being the furthest thing from judgmental. you muttered a quiet apology, your face buried in his white uniform jacket. but something lingered on your mind. angel ? it sounded right, but you knew it wasn’t. not anymore. « don’t apologize ! the only person you owe an apology to is yourself » he whispered against your ear. slowly, he put his hands on your waist before bringing you to your bed where he sat right next to you, still refusing to take his hands off of your body.

« tendou, you don’t have to do this… » you muttered, knowing that you weren’t supposed to be this close anymore. « i’m your ex, you don’t owe me anything ».

he immediately looked down to meet your eyes, an eyebrow raised in confusion. « your ex ? wh- you think i broke up with you ? y/n, when i said that i didn’t want to do this anymore, i was talking about fighting with you ! i’m sorry, i should have texted you these last few days, but i thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me »

a tear rolled down your cheek. tendou’s words sounded like heaven right now. maybe you weren’t alone after all ?

« now, do you need me to get you something ? band-aids ? anything ? » he asked, caressing your hair with his right hand. you nodded your head no and kept your head buried in his neck, like you were waiting for his scent to go to your head. « i know you’ve been through a lot, and i’m proud of you no matter what. but, you know… even though i have enough love for the both of us, i’d really want you to have enough love for yourself » he said and placed a kiss on top of your head, waiting for you to say something. but he sensed that you were not ready yet. and he was ok with that, the last thing he wanted to do was to pressure you. it was going to be a long path, but you had already done it, and you were going to do it again. and he’d be there the whole time.

ok so if you’ve read until there it probably means that you needed comfort (i hope i have given you enough) : so if you are in this situation yourself, PLEASE don’t be afraid to ask for help, you can and you will get better. i’m rooting for you like saeko roots for karasuno ❤️️

@toworuu (didn’t forget about you ^^)

#haikyuu #haikyuu angst #hq angst #hq comfort #haikyuu comfort #bokuto x trader #kuroo x trader #tsukishima x reader #sakusa x reader #osamu x reader #atsumu x reader #tendou x reader

1K notes · View notes

sorry-but-no-sorry · 3 years

Text

@ct-9904 @kaijusplotch you asked for it

Thanks @exhaustedtech99 for read-proofing!

I’m not a writer and it’s a tweaked copy past of what I wrote on the discord I’m in

Fair warning: indigestion of item, self arm, relapsing at the beginning

The inhibitor chip took a serious toll on Crosshair. Unable to move or think without the high ups’ say-so, it was torture for him.

But there was something Tarkin or Rampart couldn’t take away from him

It was this urge. This inexplicable need to have something in his mouth, something to chew, something to sooth, something non-nutritional, and it was, sadly, this something that he felt he still had a control over. Something even that chip couldn’t erase.

And well... he relapsed

He wouldn’t stop until his stomach started to ache, ‘good’ he thought as he kept going, if he became sick, that would stop himself from hunting down his squad, meaning this family would be safe from his actions, unwanted or not.

He couldn’t help but smile knowing that. Before the supply closet started to feel like it was spinning, then sinking, before fading to nothing..

Tarkin: now can you explain why a trooper found CT-9904 on the ground in the supply closet ?

Nala se: it seems that CT-9904 has ingested a dangerous amount of adhesive past, thin pieces of wood and plastic trinkets for the past week

Tarkin: that’s unusual

Nala Se: CT-9904 always had that defect but not with that amount in this sort time

Tarkin: no matter. how long do you think you can... ‘clean’ everything? I still need his marksmanship.

Behind the one way mirror separating the Grand Moff and the Kaminoan.

Crosshairs was laying on the med bed, sedated by the mindless droids beside him ready to fix the damage he caused in his digestive system.

While unaware and unconscious, his mind wondered to an old memory

There he was in his barracks, in his old training armor. He and his brothers were just finished with a very stressful simulation. Back then, Wrecker had 2 eyes, Hunter’s hair was short and Tech didn’t lose his, *oh marker, how that changed*

He remembered that he was sitting on his bed, fidgeting with the mattress to only pull out a bottle of adhesive paste. As he was about to take it to his mouth, a hand slapped the container out of his

Hunter: Cross, I thought you said you quit, where did you get that ?

Cross: kriff- my mattress ? Leave me alone, today was already stressful enough

Hunter: you know what I mean. Cross, we just got back from med bay, we can’t do this whole thing again

Cross: what are you suggesting then ?

Hunter: I.. I don’t know maybe Lula ?

Cross: i’m not a child anymore, I don’t need that doll !

Wrecker: you take that back !

Cross: I’m.. I’m not going to chew her ear again. I’m too old for that.

Tech suddenly got up and started searching through his boot locker “ah there it is” he said before trotting to Crosshair, handing him a worn metal tube.

Cross: what’s that ?

Tech: toothpicks, you said you were too old for Lula, and since a bounding chemical can harm you, like last time, I had planned an alternative for your stress coping mechanism

Hunter: are you insane, he can swallow them !

Cross: the box looks... * takes out a pick * worn, how long did you have this ?

Tech: a couple of months ago, never opened it

Cross: you had that this whole time and you bring it up now ?

Tech: you never mentioned it before

Cross: and what makes you think I won’t eat them ?

Tech: you don’t like how wood taste, you always complained about the tongue depressor during our regular check ups

Cross: you’re.... not wrong

Hunter: are you really sure about this, Tech?

Tech: of course I do.

He looked at Crosshair who started to chew on a pick

Tech: I trust you

#the bad batch #crosshair #crosshair bad batch #hunter bad batch #tech bad batch #tech #hunter #wrecker #wrecker bad batch #Nala se #wilhuff tarkin #Tarkin

148 notes · View notes

britswriting · 2 years

Text

Desire (10)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

I don't want to go too deep in her relapse in fear of triggers. This series isn't about her addiction. It's about her and Colby. It's part of her. So I plan to kind of fast forward a bit through this. I don't want it to get too triggering and dark for the readers.

T/W: Talk of relapse, rehab etc. You know the drill by now

*Leighton's POV*

I woke up that next morning in my apartment, Gemma sobbing next to me.

Everything felt hazy.

I grabbed milk from the fridge so I didn't have to wait for it to thaw from the freezer, starting the process of preparing her bottle and warming.

I ate a banana whilst I waited, and once her bottle was done, I walked back to my room and got my breast pump situated before propping up my baby and feeding her her bottle.

I quickly googled if you had to pump and dump with weed, and I swear my eyes were going to fall out of my head with how wide they got

6 days to 6 weeks?!

God damnit.

I hope she likes formula.

Fuck.

I chucked my phone against my comforter, extremely thankful that Gabe decided to go over to Chase's tonight.

I don't even want to think about what he's going to say about this.

I let myself spiral and dwell on how stupid I was.

Alcohol would've been more worth it, and it might not have counted for fucking up, but here I went and had to majorly fuck up.

Fuck.

I hated myself.

I genuinely can't believe I did that.

Who the fuck let me do that?

Oh yeah. I slapped Sam.

God damnit!

Why is it when I'm lacking what I'm craving I get violent?

He said I wasn't a good mother, and maybe he's right.. but I didn't smoke around her.

I didn't.

She was fine.

She was asleep the whole time..

I need to apologize to him.. but how?

Gemma's crying got me out of my thoughts, wanting to be changed and burped.

Once she was all done and I got her on her tummy time mat, I checked my phone and a certain notification caught my attention,

Colby:

Hey, can we meet up? I'd like to talk

Fuck.

Now he wants to talk? He couldn't have wanted to talk three days ago?!

Fucking Colby.

Fuck him.

I quickly replied, placing my phone down so I could do laundry.

When and Where

Once my laundry was going, I saw Colby replied with

Park near your place?

which made my heart race.

I also contacted Elisabeth so I could figure out where I go from here.

I looked over at my baby girl, and I really didn't want to go down this road again.. but it made all these feelings go numb, and made me more relaxed.. but it's not healthy, and it isn't good for her.

Gabriel's going to kick my ass if I have to dump my milk for 6 weeks.

God I royally fucked up.

I texted Cynthia to see if she was working, wanting to know if she could babysit, and much to my luck, she was indeed working.

Gabe was off work tomorrow, so I ended up asking Colby if we could meet up tomorrow instead, not wanting to bring Gemma to be there.

Thankfully, he agreed, and tomorrow couldn't come fast enough.

I spent all day beating myself up over my stupid stupid stupid actions and I planned on not telling Gabe right away.

I figured the best way to go about this is to talk to Elisabeth, get a plan, and then tell him. Tell him once I had all the details figured out.

You fucking idiot! We were doing so good! So so so good! Or so I thought..

That next afternoon, I got out of my car, my heart racing as I saw him sitting at the picnic table and slowly approached him, his back to me.

"Hey" I spoke softly, walking around him to sit down in front of him.

"Hey!" He replied in a cheery tone, his face lighting up. "How are you?" He asked and I pursed my lips, trying not to laugh.

"Small talk huh? Didn't think we were those type of people" I teased.

"I haven't seen you in what... 3 weeks?" He questioned and I nodded.

"Since before your birthday"

"So.. how are you?" He asked again and I laughed, folding my hands and resting them on the table.

"I've been..... okay" I breathed out, not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to tell him my dirty secrets.

"Yeah?" He asked and I gave a short nod, my lips in a tight line.

"You?" I returned the question and he stayed quiet.

"It's been weird for sure" He nodded and I sighed, hating how awkward this felt.

"How was your birthday?" I decided to ask, figuring that would open up some sort of conversation, but yet again, I was wrong.

"It was fun" Colby replied dryly.

"Yeah? I don't get any details?" I laughed and he chuckled, biting his bottom lip.

"Sorry" Colby apologized, sitting up straighter.

"Well, what did you do? You can uninvite me from your birthday but you can't just not tell me what you did" I teased and he laughed, nodding his head to the side in a way to say fair enough.

"We threw a party at the house. Hung out with friends, got drunk, fucked around. It was fun. Kind of kept the party going from New Years" He explained and I nodded, looking down at my nails.

I kind of miss having them done, but I was too afraid of not being able to open baby things or accidentally poking her.

It was quiet for a moment, birds chirping around us.

"I don't like this" I confessed, looking behind my shoulder before looking back at him.

"What? The park or?"

"This. Us. What's happening. I just.. I don't like the tension. I liked when we could sit here and eat french fries and talk about dumb shit, and now here we are in a public park, and it's like we haven't seen each other in 5 years" I rambled before taking a deep breath in and letting it exhale, "Why are we in a park?" I asked, trying not to look around too much.

Bad memories.

"I figured it was a good open space for an open conversation. If either of us wanted to leave at any point, we could" He said and I frowned.

"You're making it sound like we have bad intentions?"

"Sorry" Colby apologized and I groaned, resting my palms against my cheeks, my jaw pressing into my hands.

"This is frustrating" I grumbled.

"I'm sorry" He apologized and I shook my head.

"Stop saying you're sorry. You didn't do anything wrong"

"I mean.. I asked for us to have some space" He pointed out and I sighed, already feeling guilty that he's feeling guilty.

It isn't his fault that he put up boundaries. That he did what he thought he needed. For all I know, it was good for him, even if it wasn't for me.

"You did what you thought was best for you. I can't fault you for that" I told him, seeing the guilt bubbling in his pupils.

"Was it not best for you?" He asked and I shrugged, arching my back, trying to relieve some of the tension.

"Was it good for you?" I shot back, not wanting to answer his question.

"I definitely did some thinking" He admitted and I nodded slowly, not sure what to say to that.

"What are we wanting to get out of this? Are we looking to rekindle, or are we looking for closure?" I asked Colby, not sure where this "meeting" was supposed to be going.

"I'm hoping for rekindling. Are you looking for closure?" He asked me and I shook my head.

"I'd like to not lose your friendship" I told him, not wanting to walk away from this meeting without him in my contacts.

"I don't want to lose yours either"

"Okay"

"Okay" He copied and I chuckled, rubbing my face with my hands as I groaned which made Colby snicker.

"This is so stupid" I grumbled, laughing a little. "Why do we have to have a dumb talk in the park?" I asked, peaking at Colby through my fingers.

"I'm sorry!" he laughed and I removed my hands from my face, letting the silence sit between us. "Oh! Before I forget, I need to know if you want to go to Italy before like February 12th so we can book your ticket" He reminded me.

"Well.. it would be weird to go, if we weren't on good terms, no?" I asked and he shrugged.

"You could always visit your family whilst we film, and then we meet up to go home" He suggested and I shook my head.

"I don't want to abandon you guys in Italy"

"Why not? Endless Italian food, we're set" He joked and I smiled, my cheeks getting tight as I shook my head, not wanting to give into him.

"Well I've been to Italy before" I noted and he pinched his lips, nodding, glancing away from me. "I went when I was a kid. We used to visit my mom's family all the time"

"Oh yeah. I knew your grandparents were there, but I forgot that you used to actually go with your parents"

"Yeah. It was fun I guess. My mormor used to shove food into my face. I always had some sort of snack in my grubby little hands" I laughed, Colby joining me.

"How old are your grandparents now?" Colby asked and I thought for a moment, trying to remember.

"Like mid 80s I think?"

"Aren't Italian's scary?" Colby asked and I laughed loudly.

"What makes you think that!?" I asked, grinning, finding it amusing that he thinks my family would be intimidating.

He got along fine with my family in Minnesota.

"I don't know! Don't they fight a lot?" He asked and I snickered, biting my lower lip, trying to stop myself from laughing, "I mean, all families bicker. I guess it depends on personal experience if you think we're scary. Am I scary?" I asked and he cocked an eyebrow smirking.

"For sure. 10/10. Worse than a horror movie" He said in a serious tone, but the grin on his face gave him away.

"To be fair, I'm also Irish, so does that make me less or more scary?" I asked and his face perked up.

"Nah Irish people are cool. You guys just like to down beer" He joked and flashbacks of my night out with Alex and my mood immediately dropped.

I nodded slowly, trying not to let my change of emotion show.

How the fuck am I supposed to tell him what I did?

Do I tell him?

"You know how we talked about rekindling, and not wanting to lose our friendship?" I asked and he nodded, "What if we like.. planned a day or two a week or whatever, where we hung out. We did something together.

"We can do that" he agreed eagerly.

"I.. am interested.. in us being together, but I am apprehensive still. I truly don't want to hurt you if this is actually hormonal, so I'd like to keep being friends.. but maybe we do date like things?" I suggested and his face lit up, excitement twinkling in his eyes.

"So you want to go slow?" He asked, making sure and I shrugged, nodding.

"I'm working on trying to have healthy communication... So.. Can I ask you something?" I asked, nervous that I might be overstepping.

"Yeah, go ahead"

"Will you tell me if you want to see someone else? If you want to get laid, or go make out with someone?"

"What do you mean?"

"If you're bored, or if you uh.. want to do something I don't want to.. I don't want to hold you back. I'd like us to talk if feelings change"

"Isn't that what happened with Silas? You only had platonic feelings for him?" Colby asked and I nodded.

"I uh, saw him a few days ago actually" I confessed, not sure how he'd take it.

"Oh? How'd that go?" He asked, intrigued.

Well shit.

I did this to myself.

"Um... it went" I said apprehensively, not sure how I would tell him how it went without spilling all my dirty laundry onto him.

"What the fuck does that mean?" he laughed and I smiled sheepishly, shrugging. "Leighton, what?" He laughed and I wrinkled my nose, not wanting to tell him what I did.

I should've stayed quiet.

This week seems to be full of regrets.

"We didn't really talk. It was more of a high and bye type of thing. I definitely have a lot of questions for him though, but maybe I don't deserve answers" I confided, not expecting to admit that out loud.

"Everyone deserves answers. Closure is a healthy thing" Colby told me and I nodded, agreeing.

"I mean-" I shrugged and he looked at me weirdly.

"What's going on?" He asked and I stayed quiet, my mind reeling.

I felt my eyes start to sting as my throat closed, not wanting to admit my defeats or tell him what I've done.

What would he even say?

Would he be disappointed in me?

Understanding?

I know the only way to know is to just tell him.. but I don't want to see that look in his eyes.

The same look my ex-boyfriend had, my parents, my best friend..

They all have a variation of the same look.. and the last person I wanted to see that look on, is Colby.

"God this is so annoying" I grumbled, wiping the tears away.

"What is?" Colby asked, looking over at me, confused.

"Being so damn emotional all the time" I muttered, thankful I wasn't wearing makeup, or my eye makeup would be all sorts of smudged. "I thought this would all go away after having Gemma" I sighed, turning away from him.

"Have you ever thought about that, maybe this is just you?" Colby asked me, myself now turned back, looking at him confused.

"Me being emotional?" I questioned and he nodded.

"What were you like when you used to use?" He asked, catching me off guard.

"Why?" I asked back, confused as to why he wanted to know.

What does he know?

"Just answer the question Leigh" He chuckled and I felt my ears get warm, embarrassment spreading through my body.

"I um.. I don't remember. I know I wasn't nice to be around when I lacked it. I got mean, violent.. when I uh.. wasn't using" I told him, ashamed of my actions.

Definitely didn't bitch slap your best friend..

"Have you ever thought that maybe this is just you? That you are this emotional off drugs? You know Leighton, crying isn't a bad thing. You're not weak or pathetic, and you should allow yourself to cry. Its human"

"Shut up" I chuckled, sniffing a little as I wiped my nose.

"I'm being serious. You always get so pissed off when you cry. It's okay to cry. I rather you cry and yell than bottle it up and explode later. I'm fine. I can take it" He told me, sounding confident in his words.

"Tell me that when I'm on my period. I still haven't had that you know" I snickered, knowing I get pretty bad periods.

"Don't you get those like a month after?" Colby asked and I shrugged.

"I read that you might not get one whilst breastfeeding. I guess each body is different, so we'll find out"

We talked for about half an hour before I decided I needed to stop beating around the bush and just tell him.

"Can I be honest with you?" I questioned, my head leaning against my arm.

"Always. You should know that by now" He stated, never letting his eyes leave my frame.

"I uh.. I drank two nights ago" I said slowly, my eyes locked on the picnic table, not wanting the look in his eyes to haunt me when my own eyes were closed.

"Oh" Is all he said, and my heart started beating quickly.

"Yeah.." I trialed off, finally looking up at him.

I could see the small tint of the look I was talking about earlier, but there was something masking it. Surprise yes, but something else. Something I couldn't make out.

"Can I ask why?" He asked, seeming like he was now walking on eggshells.

"Of course. We said we were going to be open and honest.."

"I thought.. I thought you were okay?" He questioned, seeming to be reeling at this new information. I could see the guilt start to show across his wrinkled forehead, seeming to be blaming himself for something. "You.. you just celebrated a year, six months ago. You seemed fine? I.. I don't understand. You.. I know you were struggling with Gemma.. but.. is that why?" He asked and I pursed my lips, not sure how to answer.

"Maybe" is what I settled with, watching his forehead smooth out, but his eyes still seemed to be wandering.

"What does that even mean?" He asked desperately and I shrugged, looking away. "Leigh" he begged, forcing me to look back at him.

"I don't know. I'm sure it was a piece of the puzzle.. I just.. look, I know why, but I don't want to tell you"

"Why not?"

"I want to protect you"

"Bullshit"

"What do you mean bullshit?"

"Protecting me would be not telling me at all!" He argued, and I felt a pang of hurt go through my chest.

Is he mad at me?

"Are you mad that I drank or that I don't want to tell you why?" I asked, confused as to what was happening right now.

"That you won't tell me why"

"Because I don't want to hurt you!" I argued back, now getting mad that he wants to invade my privacy.

Why would I want to tell him that being alone is one of my triggers?

Is it unhealthy, yeah, but he seems to already feel guilty, why would I want to make it worse?

"You said I could ask you why, and not you won't tell me" He argued back and I groaned.

"I... Colby" I pleaded, really not wanting to tell him.

"Just tell me. Can we at least talk about it?" He asked and I sighed once again, contemplating what to do.

"Promise not to be bad or blame yourself?" I asked and his jaw clenched as he rolled his eyes.

"I can't promise that" He replied instantly.

"Why not!" I whined, feeling frustrated at the whole situation.

I wouldn't be in this situation at all if I wasn't fucking stupid.

"Because I don't know what my emotional reaction will be to the information until you tell me what it is Leighton"

"Fine" I huffed, "I've been having a really hard time with having a newborn, and I don't know if it is from the imposter syndrome or if it's moved onto post partum, I don't know.. but I'm struggling a lot with bonding, and I.. I don't even think I've told her.. that I love her? And I know I do. I want to protect her.. but I just.. it's been really hard. I know you can ask for help and that it's cliché that I don't want to, and I know you all keep yelling at me that being independent doesn't mean being alone... but not being able to do it alone, makes me feel like I'm failing. There are nights where she cries all night and I genuinely feel like I'm going to lose it. I've definitely left her crying in the bassinet after a while of nothing working, and went and stood in the hallway just to take a deep breath and clear my head. It sucked really bad to lose Silas as a friend. I really thought he was fun to hang out with, and I wished he understood, or has understood my reasoning as to why I didn't want to continue our relationship. I'm sure there are hard feelings somewhere, but I just.. I didn't want to lead him on" I explained and Colby nodded.

"That's respectable and a real man would know that" He chimed in.

"And so I lost Silas, and for some reason also lost Aimee and she was my only work friend. Logan is going to go on some sort of mission that he can't talk about, so he won't be around for a while. Gabriel is going to New York for school, Aaliyah and River are moving to Tennessee and you said you wanted space. That you didn't want to hang out for a while, and no, I don't blame you, and I don't want you to blame yourself either. It was my choice, and my fault. At the end of the day, I take responsibility for my own actions. You didn't shove the vodka down my throat, and for the record, Alex didn't either"

"Alex?" He questioned and I nodded.

"The girl I kissed in New Years"

"What does she have to do with you drinking?"

"She was there. She didn't know. She has no idea that I have an addiction problem. You can't be mad at her"

"Okay.." He trailed off, his eyes locked on me.

"If I was a normal person, I could go out and drink with friends and be fine. I don't blame her. I had every moment to tell her, and I didn't. I'm the only one to blame, okay?" he nodded, "She wanted me to let loose.. and we did some vodka shots together.. and it kind of spiraled from there" I explained and he nodded again. "It doesn't help that I can't get a job because of my damn criminal record, and I had finally gotten a job but then had to quit because I had a baby and I wouldn't have a long enough maternity leave.. and I'm pretty sure me and my problems can't just crawl back there and ask for my job back. I'm sure they have a replacement by now" I rambled, stressed out.

"So.. now what?" He asked and I shrugged, looking down at the rings on my hands. "Is that the end of it? You just drank that night or?" He asked and I gnawed on my lower lip. "Leigh" he said softly and a tear rolled down my cheekbone.

"I texted my dealer last night" I said softly and I watched his face fall.

"Leighton" he whispered and my lip quivered, hearing the disappointment in his voice. "You know I care about you, right?" he asked softly and I nodded, letting the tears fall, not wanting to wipe at my face to draw attention to the fact that I was crying. "Hey, come here" Colby said, standing up and walking around the table, wrapping his arms around me.

I collapsed into his chest, letting my cries get harder and just letting him hold me.

"I'm sorry" I whispered against his black shirt, the palms of my hands resting against the muscles of his back, feeling them move under my touch as he tightened his hold around my shoulders.

He held me for a few minutes and when my breathing calmed down, he reached down and the pads of his thumbs wiped away the stray tears, holding my face in his hands, staring in my eyes.

"You don't have to apologize for falling off the wagon" He said and I nodded slowly, Colby letting go of my face. He crouched down next to me, his knee hitting the side of the bench, his face wincing as he groaned which made me giggle a little.

"Ow, fuck!" he grumbled, rubbing his knee, ignoring my snickering. "Damnit, I was going to get all heartfelt and now my knee hurts" he chuckled and I grinned, rubbing my hands through his hair.

"Get up loser, you can sit here, just don't tip us. Your fat ass and my fat ass aren't meant to sit on the same side of this wobbly ass picnic bench" I chuckled, scooting back, giving him space to straddle the bench with me.

Colby slowly sat down against the bench, only to hit his knee again and this time I cackled.

"Motherfucker" he grumbled and I laughed really hard, not being able to keep it together.

"Dude, we gotta buy you some knee pads or something. I didn't know the park would be so dangerous" I teased.

"At least my jeans already have rips in them" He chuckled, rubbing his hands over the holes in his jeans.

"I mean, it could've ripped them more"

"Yeah, but I wouldn't notice" He chuckled and I grinned, shaking my head at him.

"Thanks for the comedic relief" I joked, rubbing at my nose.

"Was my pleasure" he joked back, shifting against the bench.

"Do we have to go back to talking about my problems? Can't you just bang your knee again?"

"No, let's talk about you getting drunk and high, leave me knees alone" he chuckled and I grinned, shaking my head.

"Nah, let's bang your knees again"

"Yeah?" he cocked an eyebrow at me and I felt my cheeks get warm as I looked again, hearing the suggestive tone.

"Shut up" I laughed and he chuckled, both of us letting out a shallow breath.

"I'm sorry you've been feeling so low lately" He said in a soft tone, his hand resting against my own knee.

"You don't have to apologize. You don't control my head"

"Yeah, but I could have helped. I could've been one less person to leave" He said and I shook my head, my hand placing on top of his own.

"I said not to do that. Don't be me. Don't go down the what if road. That road sucks" I let out a breathy laugh, squeezing the top of his knuckles.

"You can't take your own advice, but you'll give it to me?" He laughed and I grinned, nodding. "You're such a brat" he laughed.

"I'm a bitch, not a brat" I corrected and he shook his head.

"You're not a bitch"

"Colby, I so am a bitch. You can call me a bitch, it's fine"

"Why should I call you a bitch?"

"I mean-"

"Shut up, now what are we going to do about your addiction problem? This conversation was supposed to be more serious than this"

"Well, you smacked your knees so" I snickered and he rolled his eyes, a smile on his face.

"If I'm overstepping, let me know.. I've never had to deal with this sort of stuff.. but have you thought about getting help now, instead of having it get worse?" He asked and I shrugged, playing with the loose strings on his jeans.

"I mean.. I could.. but I.. what about Gemma?" I asked and Colby was quiet for a moment until his face lit up.

"What if we watched her?" He suggested and my face scrunched up.

"Huh?"

"Well.. is this something you wanted to do?" He asked and I gave him a weird look.

"Wanted to do what?"

"Did you want to drink, or get high?" He asked and my brows furrowed, not sure how to answer him.

"I mean, yes and no? I.. I would love to have kept my sober birthday.. I don't really want to think about what this means or I will spiral.. but I.. I mean, I've craved to get high since I was pregnant" I confessed, Colby's face showing surprise before he very quickly covered it, going back to neutral. "So I guess, in some way, I've wanted it. I think.. I think you'll always crave it. You'll always want it.. you just kind of... trade it out for things? I don't know. That's a hard question to answer" I told him honestly and he nodded.

"I selfishly want to help you" Colby said and I sighed, leaning my head on my palm, my elbow resting against the wooden picnic bench.

"One of my fears.. is that I won't ever be able to be helped. That I will always end up back here" I said softly, Colby's facial features softening as e gave me a sympathetic puppy dog eye look, "When we talked about looking for closure.. I'm not looking for closure in us, but in this. I want to move past this chapter in my life. I want to be done... and it's a constant feeling of dread to know that I will have to deal with these feelings for the rest of my life from time to time. It's tiring to know the rest of my life is going to be this constant internal war. I just wish I could tell High School me not to do it. Not to touch that stuff. Life wouldn't this hard if I hadn't made those choices. All Iearned from this, is that it fucking sucks" I grumbled, getting back to loathing myself.

"But Leighton, if you get the itch.. or whatever.. and like, how you got drunk or high.. maybe instead of ignoring those triggers or ticks.. you see someone. I'm not a professional.. but.. do you remember when I joined you in your NA meeting? And I thought I might've had alcoholic tendencies?" He asked and I nodded. "And remember how I mentioned that I was in therapy?" He asked and I nodded again, "Well, I brought it up in therapy, because I wanted to know if it was something that I needed to be concerned with, or if I needed to slow down or whatever.. and I spent a few sessions talking about it.. and what I got from it, is feeding into the itch in a healthy way. Now, I'm not an addict. I've never lived with an addiction, or have had to go through the mental turmoil but just doing it less often, and talking about it with someone has helped. I haven't been drinking as much since, and I genuinely think it has helped. I'm just saying.. say you feel the urge to drink or smoke or whatever.. and I know this is like, yeah yeah whatever Colby, everyone says that, but.. maybe you do need to get back into consistent therapy? Or going to meetings or even a rehab center for a while. Just acknowledging that you do have this disease, and you're working on bettering yourself, instead of letting the itch eat you alive?"

"So what... I go back to rehab.. and.. what about my baby? I.. I have to care for her. I have to pump and stuff"

"Well, we can do research.. but I.. I'm going off my personal experience, therapy helped a lot.. maybe try going back? I know you can't afford it, but.. Leighton, I'd be willing to pay you to go. If it will help you, I'll do whatever I can. And for baby G.. Leigh, if you and Gabe are fine with it.. I'll totally watch her. I say.. let's not get upset over the fact that it happened, and let's just fix it. Let's research good places to go, find somewhere that can help.. and if it comes down to it, I, single handedly am willing to babysit her. I just need to buy some supplies. I mean, we wanted to make her a nursery in our house anyway. Rehab is what, a month or two?" He asked and I nodded slowly, trying to comprehend what he was saying.

It felt like everything was moving quickly. I couldn't keep up.

"You're not mad about the fact that I got drunk?" I asked and he shook his head.

"From what I understand... Relapse is part of recovery. I can't fault you for falling back into old habits. They're habits for a reason. I say.. let's just figure out how to help. What we can do if it happens again, because clearly last time was a temporary fix"

I nodded slowly, feeling overwhelmed but somewhat at ease at the fact that he was ready to make a plan to help, and didn't feel like punishing me for my irrational actions.

"You said from what you understand...?" I trailed off and he nodded.

"Yeah.. I uh.. ever since I celebrated your one year with you.. I've been trying to learn about it" He admitted and I nodded, not sure how to react because my head was stuck on one thing...

I'm going back to rehab.

* * * *

Written on: July 17th, 18th 2022

Word Count: 5.2k

Part Eleven

#colby brock #colby brock fanfic #samandcolby #wattpad #wattpadrecs #colbybrockimagine #addiction

8 notes · View notes

inkedtae · 4 years

Text

fountain of fantasies ⇾ jjk. [M]

⟶ from the eros universe; you do not need to read eros to read this one shot

𝓅𝒶𝒾𝓇𝒾𝓃𝑔 ⇾ god!jungkook x curvy!reader (f.)

𝑔𝑒𝓃𝓇𝑒/𝓇𝒶𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 ⇾ s2l, greek mythology au, circa. 1800 au, historical au, light fluff, angst, smut, pwp, filth, 18+

𝓈𝓊𝓂𝓂𝒶𝓇𝓎 ⇾ you rather be engaging in heart racing activities than in heart breaking ones

𝓌𝑜𝓇𝒹 𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓃𝓉 ⇾ 15.6k

𝓌𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈 ⇾ dom!jungkook, bigdick!jungkook, buff!jungkook, winged!jungkook, longhair!jungkook, ponytail!jungkook, sub!reader, slightly insecure!reader, shy!reader, mentions and consumption of alcohol, unprotected sex (wrap it to tap it folks), rough sex, playful-ish sex, semi-public sex, fountain sex, dirty talk, creampie, multiple orgasms, slight degradation, overstimulation, exhibition, a lil voyeurism, praise kink, anal, edging, squirting, choking, hair pulling, bodyworshipping, a lil motorboating, a lil begging, water play, a lil spit play, a lil breast play, ass play, a fountain of filth :)

𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓇'𝓈 𝓃𝑜𝓉𝑒 ⇾ i’m too much of a hoe for greek god guk not to turn this into a mini-series...

⤜ banner by ↠ @thebannershop (thank you dearie~)

⤜ beta’d by ↠ @moonmintrails (my soulmate~)

⤜ le playlist ↠

Plump plum juices leak from your violet stained lips. You watch the storm rage through the balcony windows. Flashes of lightning, streaks of raindrops and the wall-rattling thunder only stares back at you. The noise of the world around you would be just the perfect cover for all the sounds he draws out of you. Teeth sinking into the fruit’s flesh, you take another bite and fix your stockings. Topless, you lean back in your plush seat and cross your legs.

You know he’s not coming. It’s been a week since his last visit, a week of staying up late only to fall asleep and wake up to a new toy. You glance at your bed. The collection of gifts under it do not compensate for his absence. You don’t want the ruby dildos or golden anal plugs. You can live without the silver tit-clamps and sapphire pearled whips. It’s him you won’t do without.

But tonight would be a perfect night of fun. You swallow your bite before taking another one as your mind circles every dirty thought you’ve been wanting to entertain for the last seven days. Staring out the rain stained windows, the one that appeals to you the most for tonight would be on that balcony, where it started all those months ago. The thought of being drenched in rainwater while he bends you over the railing makes you squeeze your crossed legs together. And the fluttering flap of his wings as they shake out the storm prickles your skin with goosebumps. Wet hands tangled in your wet hair. Loud moans blended in the loud thunder.

An urgent knock raps on your door. You sit up, letting out a shaky breath from the remnants of that fantasy. As you set your plum down by some grapes on the side table, you shoot to your feet to grab your robe.

“Bunny,” Mary, your sister, whispers from the other side.

The little childhood nickname brings a smile to your face. The two of you would play Wonderland in the garden as children and Mary would have you, Bunny, guide her down the right path. Now, she only ever calls you that when she’s nervous and struggling to admit it.

Tying the robe around your waist, you eagerly let her in. “What is it, Mary?” You smile as she rushes past you.

She doesn’t take a moment to properly greet you, darting to your little library instead. “Do you have that book about Mount Olympus?” She asks. Her freshly painted nails scrape over the spines of each book as you part your lips to reply. “Oh! Here it is!”

Returning to your seat, you watch your older sister skim through the pages. “Why the sudden interest in Greek gods?”

“Michael mentioned something about Hera and I just wanted to- I knew it!”

Chewing on another bite, you raise a brow at her. “I’m sure he’d be pleased to hear that tomorrow,” you chuckle around your food.

Mary pauses. Her eyes, previously gleaming with excitement, diminish into indifference. She clears her throat and shuts the book. “Mama says to never correct a man.”

You stuff your mouth with a big bite and avoid your sister’s gaze. There’s lots you have to say about your mother’s philosophy on love, but you know better than to voice those opinions.

Mary continues talking, despite knowing your reservations about your mother. She holds the book to her chest and tentatively sits on your bed. “Mama wants me to talk to you about something.”

Slowly chewing, you glance at her. You already know where this is going. It’s another desperate attempt on your mother’s part to make sure you don’t wear the dress he had gifted you. She knows full well how much it reveals and how well it’s designed. You don’t care for your mother’s opinion though; you haven’t for months. It’s Mary’s opinion on the subject that matters to you.

“But, I told her that I don’t want to lie to you.” She takes a moment to sigh then meets your gaze once more. “You’ll look gorgeous in that dress, Bunny,” she smiles. “And I have the perfect shoes for them too.”

A laugh bubbles out of your throat and you almost choke on your food. Mary laughs at your struggling state. “Oh, can we get ready for your party together?” You ask, perking up in your seat once you properly swallow your food.

Mary’s excited gaze wavers. She glances back at the book before hesitantly nodding. “Yes.”

“What is it?”

“Nothing…”

You give her a pointed look. Flopping down on the bed, Mary groans and stares up at the ceiling. “What do you think of Michael?” You part your lips to reply, but she continues, “I mean I know he’s from a good family, and can take care of me, and he’s so handsome.”

You bite your lip at the last comment. Michael is not exactly your type of heartthrob. But, then again, your senses have been obscured by a god, so now not a single person can look as handsome, as beautiful, as heavenly as your Eros.

“But, he says and does things I’m not exactly…” She trails off. “And I think his previous courtship with Linette ended horribly.”

Her half-sentence rings some warning in your gut. However, by the way she avoids eye contact to stare at your crystal chandelier, you decide not to address it. “What makes you think so?” you ask instead.

“Well, that’s what he told me.”

Resisting the urge to scoff, you simply quirk a brow. Mary may be a couple of years older, but she still hasn’t grown out of her naive tendencies. You’re about to tell her that everything will be okay when you catch a familiar silhouette on your balcony.

He’s here.

Mary shoots up off your bed. You fear for a second that she may have seen him, but then she asks, “So? What do you think?”

Gulping, you take a moment to collect your thoughts. Erasing the fact that he’s finally here from your mind, you try to remain focused on your sister. You want the best for her. You want her to be excited about who she marries and for the life she will spend with that person. And that’s why it takes you a world of restraint not to tell her that if she isn’t a hundred percent sure about marrying Michael, then maybe she shouldn’t.

“Do you love him, Mary?” You ask. “And I don’t mean that ‘nobility’ love. I mean that, ‘makes you cry just thinking about losing him’ love.”

Mary hesitates.Your eyes flicker to the balcony where he continues to stand. Inhaling deeply, you silently ask him to wait just a second longer.

“I think I do,” she smiles.

Your heart shatters at her phrasing. I think. Where is the room for thinking when true love is at your door? You want to tell her that there shouldn’t be any of this ‘thinking’ nonsense. You either do or you don’t, you want to say. But her smile is so pure and eyes light up just enough that you don’t have the heart to take it all away. Besides, maybe she really does love him.

“Then, I think he’s perfect for you.”

Mary grabs the book and jumps to her feet. “Let’s meet in my room at seven,” she smiles, ruffling through your hair on her way to the door. “Have a good night, Bunny.”

“You too,” you smile as she shuts the door with a wink. The gesture is unusual but you suppose she’s just excited about the party tomorrow. You’re not exactly sure why she did it and with a winged god at your door, you can’t find it in you to care for too long.

Darting to the balcony, you pull open the doors to be greeted by empty winds and heavy raindrops. Those wings are gone, balcony vacant of anything but despair. Not even a gift replaces his presence. You hold your tears back and swallow the growing lump in your throat. Your time is not one of his toys, nor is it free. You’ve run out of patience. You’re empty of reason, thriving on broken feelings.

Shakily sighing, you bury the hurt in your voice and whisper, “if you can’t stay, don’t come at all.”

Sparkling diamonds, glasses, and wine circle the ballroom. Sipping on your drink, you take in the gleaming marble floors and the arches of the grand windows. The Barbury Estate is twice the size of yours. You want to believe that your mother’s delight in Mary’s proposal has more to do with her happiness than the fact that her fiancé is riddled with more wealth than he knows what to do with. But, you know that your mother has a special bond with money. It’s the same relationship she has with social standards. Her philosophy is simple; the more, the better. Now, if only your mother felt that way about you.

No, wait. This night is not about you. An evening lost in a grand room of people only appeals to you when the occasion for such torture is your sister’s engagement party. Your chest swells with pride as you watch Mary dance with her fiancé. Michael Barbury is not exactly what you would call ‘prince charming.’ His jokes border on racism and thoughts are somewhat insipid, but he makes Mary happy. That’s all that matters to you. Her relapse in judgement last night does worry you. But you know that she’ll be happy with Michael. With Eros gone, you wonder how soon you’ll find a love like that too.

Mary’s graceful giggles cut you out of your trance. You blink once, twice until your senses fully return to you. Even the smallest thought of him throws you out of your consciousness. Settling your eyes back on your sister, watching as she basks in Michael’s unwavering attention and dotting devotion, you’re greeted with a sense of comfort. The guilt of not speaking your truth disappears and the fear of never finding love dissipates to the back of your mind.

“Miss (Y/N)?” Lee Kyon asks, waving his hand in front of you.

Right, you forgot he was there. Turning to face him once more, you flash Kyon a somewhat kind smile. “Yes, Mr. Lee?”

He furrows his brows. “Is everything alright?”

Perhaps everything would be alright if your mother didn’t constantly feel the need to set you up with the first poor man that accidently looks your way. Yes, you’re well aware of your mother’s behaviour and the fact that Kyon has no real interest in getting to know you. Judging by the way he continues to loop back to the same dull topic about the history of wine, you can tell that he is merely trying to keep the conversation short enough to be polite, but not long enough to be courting you.

It’s not as though you care for his company either. Kyon has half of Michael’s intelligence. Even though you were only half-listening to his rant, you already pick out the few historical inaccuracies in his unprompted explanation. Of course, the worst thing you can do to a man is attack his wits and pride; that’s what your mother tells you anyway. It’s what worried Mary last night too. And you’ve tested that theory enough to know how true it is and how fun it can be. Watching them grapple for the right words, flare their nostrils in frustration and demand you apologize will always be just as humorous as when they try to “teach” you about language or art or, in Kyon’s case, history.

Biting back a sigh, you nod and silently pray for a way out of this boring conversation and into something a bit more exciting.

Clearing his throat, Kyon searches for a way to fill the silence. He then half-heartedly mutters, “You look darling this evening.”

Glancing down at your dress, your face heats up. The tiger lily-peach layers of satin and tulle fall down to your ankles. The pleated skirt mirrors the petals of a flower. Cleavage on display, the long flowy sleeves fall off your shoulders. Finished with a green ribbon around your waist and gleaming pink jewels, this is possibly the best dress he has gifted you.

Your Eros left it, no wait- he’s not yours anymore. A friend left it hanging in your closet one morning after another passionate night in his embrace. It was a beautiful surprise to be woken up to and a manageable struggle to explain how it came into your possession. You can’t help but find it a bit ironic how your mother is desperate to set you up with the first man she sees, but hesitant to dress you up for the occasion. He must have known, must have felt your frustration towards your mistreatment.

It takes everything in you to fight off the smile playing on your lips. You glance back up at Kyon, parting your lips to thank him when he continues, “And how brave of you to wear such a dress.”

You pause. “Brave?”

Kyon smiles and nods.

Is he really telling you what you think he is? Is he really undermining your confidence, undermining the beauty you know you have by commending your ‘bravery?’ No, you mustn’t judge too quickly. Perhaps he’s admiring your choice to go against expectations of covering up with a shawl.

You swallow back your initial assumptions, and decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. “I’m not sure I know what you mean, Mr. Lee?”

“Well,” Kyon starts. He looks off to the side and raises both his brows before looking to you once more. His hazel eyes scan your figure, jaw clenching as he clears his throat. “A dress like this is traditionally worn by a woman that looks more like…” he trails off, eyes wandering as well. “Like Miss (L/N).”

A stinging chorus of hushed laughter strikes your pride. Your gut boils with shame and humiliation as your eyes bounce between the partygoers near you. You hadn’t realized they were eavesdropping. As a desperate attempt to ignore their maliciously amused looks, you follow Kyon’s gaze to Mary. Chewing on your lip, you ignore the urge to roll your eyes. This isn’t the first time someone has compared you to her, and you know very well that it won’t be the last. Even the utter disrespect of referring to you by your first name and your sister by your last name further displays their lack of recognition for you. In their eyes, you will forever remain as Miss (Y/N), the spinster-destined sister of Miss (L/N). And though you are certain that the twinge of pain and anger festering in your chest is for Kyon, you can’t help but be a little annoyed with your sister as well.

But then she laughs, smiling so bright and wide. She looks up at Michael and rests her chin on his bicep, reveling in his attention and embrace. You realize, in her moment of happiness, that you can’t find it in you to hold this grudge against her. Your love for her is greater than your pride. Besides, she plays no part in your insecurities. And, you decide as you turn back to Kyon, neither will this privileged upperclassman.

“How brave,” you sigh with a single shouldered shrug.

“What is, Miss (Y/N)?”

“How brave of you to believe anyone cares for your opinion.”

Kyon chokes on his drink. The partygoers, previously humoured by your embarrassment, relish in your courage to upstage Kyon. Gasping a giggle, you step back to avoid being spit on. He glares at you as he wipes his chin. You don’t hesitate to return that hard, hateful look in his eye. Raising a challenging brow, you dare him to attempt to embarrass you again.

He takes one step towards you, looking as though he’s about to grab at your arm when his stride is redirected. Kyon walks away without another word. You stare after him in confusion as he mutters an apology under his breath.

You’re not sure what caused this sudden change in his angry course, but you’re all too happy to be rid of him to dwell on the thought of his motives much longer. He must’ve known how offensive his words were. True, most people compare you to your sister, but at least they have the decency to do it behind your back. You rather be physically absent from a conversation like that. It makes it easier to ignore and avoid the negativity.

Confidence restored, you feel comfortable in your skin again. The dress is a perfect fit, the struggle to breath nowhere to be found, and sits well on your frame- despite what others think. However, you have very little time to revel in your victory as your mother stalks towards you.

“What have you done?” she hisses over your shoulder. Before you even have a chance to look back at her, she drags you by your arm to the edge of the room. “What did you say this time?”

A heavy sigh pushes past your lips as you clasp your hands before you and reply, “He insulted me.”

Your mother quirks a brow. “And?” She questions as if waiting for a more substantial argument.

“And?” You echo in confusion. “And he insulted me. I don’t see why that’s not enough of a reason to insult him back.”

She shakes her head and inhales deeply. You brace yourself for the disparaging rant you know is coming. Nothing good ever comes from a head shake and heavy sigh. But, instead of her usual ‘stay in your place’ harangue, your mother cuts to the chase this time. “Do you realize that might just be your only chance for happiness?”

Suppressing a dry chuckle, you lower your gaze to the floor. You know your mother is well aware of how her question sounds; you know she doesn’t care. Still, you ask, “Is that really what happiness looks like, mother?”

She falls silent. After a beat, you dare to peek up at her. Those once hard eyes soften as her gaze locks on Mary and Michael, locks on how they gaze upon one another with such adoration. Blinking repeatedly, she turns to you and sighs, “Yes, to some people that,” she pauses to glance at Kyon, “is what happiness looks like.”

A wicked pang of sad, lonely anger twists in your chest then tumbles to the pit of your stomach. Your gaze falls to the ground and heart shatters with that last shred of hope that your mother perhaps did want the best for you. Up until now, you truly believed that in some twisted way, she was just looking out for you, making sure you have someone by your side long after she’s gone. Her words now and that shameless look that matches that shameless confession only point to the painfully obvious fact you have tried so hard to ignore. Your mother’s need to make you look a certain way and throw you at any breathing man has never been for your well-being, but rather the well-being of her reputation.

“Go to Mr. Lee, (Y/N),” she orders. “Offer to freshen his drink, wipe down his shirt, and then apologize. Beg for his forgiveness if you have to; just make this right.”

With a deep breath, you trail your eyes back up and try to collect yourself. Your eyes flicker between the exit and where Kyon stands.Your mother clears her throat, drawing your attention back on her.

“Have I made myself clear?”

“Crystal.”

She returns to her friends, that gleeful smile plastered on her face once more. Your eyes fall back on Kyon with every intention of following through your mother’s orders. However, he only greets your gaze with malice. A wave of nausea overwhelms you.

With a shake of your head, you tear yourself away from his threatening demeanour and turn towards the exit. You just need to get out of his line of sight, out of that pretentious atmosphere. Something within you can’t seem to stop telling you that one more moment near that passive-aggressive punk will only make you feel worse. So, you lengthen your strides out of the ballroom and down the hall to put as much distance between you and them.

The pressure of their expectations suffocates you like no corset ever has. All you can think is how desperately you need some fresh air. It takes you a moment, but you navigate your way around the manor well enough to find the back entrance.

Cold air engulfs you the moment you step outside. A relieved giggle slips past your lips and you throw your head back to relish in the cool spring breeze. The sky reflects a swirl of silvery indigo. It lures you into its constellations and wonders with every other glance. Lowering your gaze, you scan the garden before you. A cobblestone path leads all the way down to a hedged maze. You can never resist a good garden. In fact, you had helped design the one back home. You hope that when your husband-to-be comes along, he’d have a garden too and maybe you can design it together.

Realizing you can maybe hold on to a few more moments of peace if they can’t find you, you decide to follow the path and hide away within the walls of the maze. You’re halfway down the cobblestone trail when you sense a strong pull dragging your soul closer to the hedges. Picking up your pace, you follow that tug faster, soon weaving through the maze like you’ve been through it before. It’s not long before you reach the centre.

It’s a large clearing, decorated with a variety of blooming flowers. In the middle stands a grand marble fountain. Three tiered, the fountain sprouts fresh water through the mouths of singing angels. A little smile plays on your lips as you click-clack your way towards it. The tranquil rush of the stream calms your previously erratic heart. You take a seat on the edge and stare down at the pool. It’s empty of floating flowers or little fish like the one you have at home, but still beautiful all the same.

“Miss (L/N).”

Your eyes well up the moment his sweet voice greets your ears. A shaky breath escapes you and you turn to find him. Did he not hear your words last night? Does he not care? Or is he here to stay this time?

Sitting atop the hedges of the garden maze and out of the moon’s light, he looks just as heavenly as always. Most details of his beauty are hidden, but you can make out his long hair and the way it’s pulled back into a ponytail, leaving loose, short strands to frame his face. And those soft wings are out, spread wide behind him as he stares back at you. Shirtless, he smirks.

You can’t help the smile stretching upon your lips at the sight of him. It’s an uncontrollable reflex, as is the wetness of your core when he’s around. He usually doesn’t arrive this early when he does show up. How long has he been there?

Clearing your throat, however, you subside the urge to smile upon his presence. “Mr. Jeon.” His name leaves your lips in a trembling breath as your heart’s aflush with desire. You have to remind yourself that you’re upset with his disappearances.

A sweet smile takes over his features. “I’ve upset you,” he notes.

Is this a joke to him? How many nights does he expect you to wait around for a maybe? You both know your time is worth more than that. And though you want to tell him that he’s done more than upset you, that he’s disappointed you, you confess something else instead. “I’ve missed you.”

“You know I miss you too,” he replies.

You resist the urge to scoff. “Are you working tonight?”

He shakes his head. “I just got off actually.”

Without me? You mentally scold yourself for your dirty thought. You can’t even hold onto your anger for more than thirty seconds without having the urge to spread your legs for him. “Lucky me,” you sarcastically reply.

“Do you like the dress?”

“I’d like it more with the gift from last night,” you glare at him. “If there was a gift from last night, that is.”

Hopping off the edge, his wings fan out to guide him down before you with ease. Your face falls as he stands in the moonlight. Thick mud coats his muscular body and those once white wings are stained with dirt and grim. His sharp face is scratched with little scabs as well. He looks like he fell from the sky.

“Jungkook,” you whisper as you reach out to caress his wounded cheek.

But Jungkook can’t be any less interested in his current state. His attention does not waver off you. Those kind eyes of his scan your frame, lingering around your breasts. “It looks even better than I imagined.”

You feel as though you have to ask him if this really is a joke to him this time. He leaves you for a week with very little behind and returns only to be caked in mud and peppered with wounds and has the audacity to pretend it’s not an issue. Now, you’re upset.

You blink back your tears, quietly asking, “What happened?”

Maybe it was the hurt in your tone or the worry flashing in your eyes but his usually cocky demeanor trembles just enough to comfort you. “It’s just been a long night, baby. I missed a couple of shots and it took a little more effort than usual to fix everything.”

Fidgeting fingers trail up the exposed side of his thick thigh under the stained toga-like skirt he wears. He shudders under your touch as your hands make their way up to his buff chest where they stay. You inhale deeply to settle your erratic heart. The earthy grim of the mud invades your senses. He doesn’t even smell like himself anymore.

Knitting your brows together, you ask, “Are you hurt?”

Jungkook’s entire expression softens. Shaking his head, he goes to cradle your body closer to his but stops before his hands reach your waist. You can feel his desire though, to touch and be touched. It’s raw and real, and purely Jungkook. This shared desire the two of you have roots deep within your souls. It breaks your heart to think that he’s not yours anymore, and maybe you made that decision rashly, in a moment of anger. But, you both know it’s not how you feel right now.

“I need to know your schedule,” you say in a quiet voice. He tongues his cheek, erupting your heart with a surge of want. You ignore the feeling long enough to continue, “I can’t just sit and wait, Jungkook.”

He stares down at you, eyes unreadable. You can tell that he’s mulling over your words, but have no clue how he feels about them. Finally, he cups your cheeks, staining them with dirt, and says “I need you to trust me when I say that I’m doing my best to get to you as quickly as I can, darling.”

Your heart cannot deny him when his gaze reflects such sincerity and honesty. Every ounce of trust, of belief is in him and only him. And maybe you are being selfish, but to be stranded without an explanation is heartbreaking. You know he knows that, or at least feels it in you when you think of him and pray.

“Just tell me I’m yours again,” he whispers, “and I’ll prove to you how much I’ve missed you too.”

Is that why he’s here? He’s afraid of losing you? Biting your lip, you can’t help but lean into his touch. It was mean of you to punish him like this and make him think that you were really upset with him when in actuality, all you wanted was a little more attention. You give him an innocent look through your lashes. He does his best not to swoon, but you know him well enough now to know that the little quiver in his lips means he’s on the verge of getting on his knees.

“No man of mine is this dirty,” you smirk, echoing the words of your first encounter.

Jungkook smiles and this time you have to keep yourself from swooning at the sight of his dimples. “I thought that’s exactly how you like them,” he purrs as he walks you back towards the fountain.

Heat rushes to your face. The marble edge of the fountain hits the bend of your knees but you refuse to sit down with Jungkook only inches away. His hands may still be on your face, rubbing that dirt into your cheeks, but his body is still too far away from yours. You move to take a step forward, desperate to have your body against his. However, Jungkook is quicker, most likely having read your mind, and moves back before you can even get half a step in.

Your eyes harden at the action. Pushing his hands off your face, you quirk a brow.

“I don’t want to ruin your dress.”

“A dress like this is meant to be ruined.”

He smirks. You can tell by the amusement dancing in his eyes that he’s enjoying the sight of you this needy and possessive. He decides to further test the limits of your composure, asking, “Don’t you have a party to get back to?”

He’s teasing. The mockery riddled in his features is enough of a hint, but the playful tone in his voice is still something you bask in. Taking a seat on the edge of the fountain, you let out a deep sigh and look up to the clouds. “A flight back home might do us both some good,” you suggest instead. “It’s not like there’s anything waiting for me at the party anyways.”

“Not even your sister?”

You shake your head.

“Mother?”

Face folding, you suppress the urge to groan and whisper, “Oh, gods no.”

Jungkook chuckles as he circles around the fountain. He dips his hand in the clear water, before asking, “What about Lee Kyon?”

Now, what would Jeon Jungkook know of Lee Kyon? A quick scan of his features doesn’t let you in on much besides the fact that he’s trying to draw a reaction out of you. However, what reaction is he hoping for? Is he looking for an explanation? He knows all about your mother’s habits and your relationships, or lack thereof, with mortal men. You never even have to say it; Jungkook knows there’s no one else for you but him.

“Mr. Lee is fragile,” you sigh.

His wings twitch. He likes what he hears. You curl in your lips to keep from smiling. Could he, Eros the god of love, lust and desire, really be jealous of an imbecile? Setting your visual tastes aside for a moment, you and Jungkook both know that Kyon, bless him, knows less than the very fountain you’re sitting on… The very fountain Jungkook is climbing into.

“What are you doing?” You ask, shooting to your feet as Jungkook makes himself comfortable. A giggle tumbles out of you, even though you tried to bite it back, at the sight of him washing himself like a bird.

Jungkook stops for a moment, that playful gaze meeting yours. This one look is enough for you to know he’s heard, and he’s most likely still hearing your thoughts. You wish you could dip in and out of his mind too. It might put an end to all the guessing on your end.

Continuing to splash his torso clean, he replies, “You’re sending me some mixed messages, baby. I thought you didn’t like me dirty.”

He has a point. Making your way over to him, you sit by his submerged frame on the edge of the fountain. Jungkook rubs his lips as he watches your jeweled fingers trace the curves of your cleavage. Your hand stops in the centre, just above the tied strings of your corset. You begin unlacing it when Jungkook tsks. Snapping your gaze to his, you wait for further instructions.

“What are you doing?”

“I want to get in with you.”

“So, get in.”

You move to unlace your corset once more, but Jungkook grabs onto your wrist. Catching his darkening gaze, you furrow your brows at his tilting head. He’s gesturing for you to get in, but won’t let you take off your dress. He can’t serious think you’d get in wearing it the water is filthy with his-

Glancing at the clear water, your thoughts are overtaken by confusion. You expected it to be tinted a dark brown from all the mud but it only reflects the marble bowl of the fountain, Jungkook’s legs, and that growing erection between them. You probably should question him on when he took that skirt off and why the water is so clean even after he went into it with layers of dirt coating his skin, but the heat between your legs is slowly growing more and more insufferable.

Your eyes flicker back to Jungkook’s to find him already staring at you, a smirk painted on his handsome face. He pushes his tongue against his cheek once more, knowing how much you love that move, then quirks a cocky brow. Kicking off your heels, you lift your dress enough to dip each stocking covered foot into the fountain. You hiss at the sensation of the soggy socks against your feet, but power through knowing how much Jungkook loves the way they look on you.

Your dress puffs up to the surface and you have to push it down and back to put as little space between you and Jungkook. “Your hair’s filthy,” you pout as you finally straddle his lap.

Jungkook lets out a little sigh. You first think it’s because his cock stands right in front of your pussy, but soon realize how wrong you are. His dazed gaze wanders over your features, unsure where to stop and what to admire first. Those large hands instinctively find your thick thighs. He rubs and massages them as you untie his hair and wet your hands enough to wash some of the dirt away. You tilt his head back and lick your lips. It’s a habit you have when concentrating. Jungkook knows it well.

“You’re absolutely beautiful,” he suddenly purrs. His voice is thick, saturated with lust and adoration. “Honestly, you don’t have to do anything, darling, just let me look at you for a little bit.”

You freeze, hands half tangled in his mud slick hair, and gaze back down at him. Dipping your head down, your lips catch his. You’re obsessed with the lack of hesitation between the two of you. Never has Jungkook thought twice about taking you as his when the two of you are this close. No matter how long he’s gone or how upset you may feel about that, when you find each other again, it’s almost like he never left. Your souls rapture in harmony and bodies tangle indefinitely. Eternity lies in the palms of your hands every second you're together.

“I’ve got to clean your hair,” you mutter against his lips. He only hums before kissing you again. Inhaling sharply, you let him have another sip of your breath before pulling away completely. And you realize, as you glance at his wings, that they could probably use a good scrub down too before the two of you indulge in the good fun you’ve been dying to have all week.

Before you can vocalize this, however, Jungkook is already readjusting your shared position. He tucks his wings tight behind him and shifts the two of you around so that the stream of the fountain washes down his back. “Hurry,” he orders. There’s very little room for negotiation in his tone. His appetite for a fun night is growing too and you can’t help but smile at the eagerness you’ve triggered.

Sticking your tongue out, you hook it under his chin and tilt his head back. Jungkook continues to gaze down at you as he gives into your gesture. “That’s hot,” he mutters.

This is new. He never talks this much when things start to heat up. Most of the time, you’re tossed looks and expected to decipher his mood, but you’re all too caught up in how gorgeous he is, you can barely understand what he means. Everything is always based on feelings and going with your instincts. But this time, Jungkook’s more vocal. It’s almost as if he’s thinking out loud.

His wings twitch again. You snap your gaze from his hair to his eyes and find he’s raising a brow. Didn’t you wish you could hear his thoughts too? Could this be his way of granting it to you?

“You know what I like most about you?” He asks as you continue to wash the mud from his hair. Grazing your nails through his scalp, you hum in reply. “You’re incredibly intelligent.”

Your fingers shudder against his head. The guilt of last night returns. Your sister should be with someone who isn’t afraid of her intelligence either. You should’ve told her not to follow through with this, not to marry Michael.

Jungkook’s hands trail up to your ass, gripping onto the plump flesh. The harsh gesture snaps you back into the moment. You jump a bit and let out a little squeal as your gaze meets his. “I much rather you don’t think of other men when you’re with me,” he groans.

Fighting off the proud smile tempting your lips, you nod. “Sorry; it won’t happen again.”

“Better not,” he mutters and that smile finally settles on your lips. “And don’t worry about your sister. She’ll be fine.”

A part of you wants to question him more about how he knows that, but the death grip he has on your ass and the way he’s looking at you does not leave much room for a sexless conversation. You rather your family stay out of conversations like this with Jungkook. His desire to be the only one in your thoughts makes a bit more sense to you now.

Smiling, Jungkook inhales deeply through his nose. “You figure things out faster than most people,” he says.

You kiss the little freckle under his lip to let him know you’re done cleaning his hair. “You spend too much time in my head,” you tease. Instead of in my… The rest of the sentence twirls in your mind for him to find it.

As you move to clean his right wing he chuckles and continues, “I’m serious, baby.” He kisses your neck as you stand on your knees and reach for his wing to properly clean it off. “Your mind amazes me. That’s why I spend so much time there.”

Barriers of the mind fall. They were trembling before but now, with every whispered thought Jungkook voices, you can feel those walls of distance crumble around your inseparable bodies. You’ve always melded perfectly physically and stroked the other’s spirit by caressing your souls, but mental barriers have always halted any real conversation between you and Jungkook. He’s always been able to know your next move, your every thought because of his immortality. And to have the chance to do the same only makes you feel that much closer to him. For this reason, you hope he doesn’t regret opening up to you and giving you a little peek inside his mind.

Your physical senses shock you back to the moment. His fingers soften their grip on your ass, rubbing it instead and your pussy reactively clenches at that pet name you love so much. Unsteadily inhaling deeply, you move to clean his other wing in silence. You decide you won’t talk this time. Your mind is open to him if he’s looking for your opinion, but tonight you just want to hear his thoughts and be the one tossing unreadable looks.

Jungkook chuckles against your neck, rolling his shoulders back as you brush your fingers through his wings. His lips trail down to your collarbone. He kisses his way down to your breasts and buries his face between them. Breathing in your scent, he sighs happily and mutters, “This is my favourite thing.”

Your breasts? By the way his hands always settle on your ass and the fact that his first hand-delivered toy was an anal plug, you always just assumed that his favourite feature of yours must be your ass. But you suppose if your breasts-

“Actually, I was talking about the way you smell.”

“It’s called soap,” you tease, earning yourself a light spank. He then bites on your right tit, sucking on the skin just because he can. You giggle and settle yourself back on his lap. Your ass, plush and plump, all but melts over his muscular thighs.

Jungkook stares at you. His brown eyes are vacant and lost in thought. He quiets under your gaze, only just shifting to pull you closer than you already are. Your pussy frames the length of his cock and you find it increasingly hard to stay still. Trying to read that dazed expression on his face, you wonder what happened with his devotion to thinking out loud.

Licking his lips, Jungkook finally breaks the silence. “Twenty-three.” He leans towards you turning the two of you back around so his back is against the fountain’s edge again. “I want you in twenty-three different ways, but I don’t think we have time to do all of them.”

You swallow thickly. Grinding your hips into his, you rub your needy pussy against his throbbing erection. Jungkook’s eyes slightly roll back and he has to hold your hips down only to look at you properly again. “Can we make time?” You ask. The desperate cry for more is evident in your voice and you know that, by the quirk of his brow and the shudder of his wings, he’s having trouble saying no.

“I wish,” he confesses. “My favourite ones take time.”

His fingers dig into your ass again, hinting at what his favourite positions might be. It’s no surprise that it has to do with your ass, you’re just worried that he’s going to ask for more than you’re ready for. Yes, you may have gotten used to anal plugs over time since he knows how to prep you for them, but his cock is an entirely different game. You are constantly reminded of how those other toys really are just toys because his cock is that uncomparable.

Jungkook relaxes back against the marble wall and watches you as you salivate over the size of his cock. He doesn’t need to read your mind to know you're terrified of whatever pain may come with it but excited because you’re just that much of a whore for him.

“You know you don’t have to do it. I have lots of other favourites,” he smirks.

As your thoughts trail off, he bucks his hips into yours. You breathe moan and clutch onto his shoulders. Every little movement makes you ache for more. A week without a single bit of sexual stimulation, even by yourself, is too long. He never told you that you couldn’t play around alone anymore, but when you have him, why the hell would you play with yourself? You know he’s going to come every night, or at least you hope he is. And the truth is, one he must already know judging by the pleased look in his eyes, even if he had told you he wasn’t coming, you still wouldn’t have touched yourself. Nothing can compare to his touch; you don’t need to try anything else to know this.

A shaky breath escapes Jungkook at your next mental confession. You don't think you were ever really mad at him. You just knew that acting out would get him to come tonight. Jungkook scoffs, looking up at the darkening sky as you wrap your arms around his neck.

Are you even really sorry? His eyes dart to yours as if wanting to see for himself if your thoughts are true. You don't know if you can answer this question with his eyes on you like that. But, that conclusion seems to be enough of an answer for him.

He shakes his head and wraps his arms around your waist. Pouting, he asks, “Do you know how worried I was?”

You mirror his expression, drawing a pout in your features as well, and press your chest against his. His breath hitches and body melts into yours, betraying his intentions. Noticing his struggle to stay upset with you, you pepper wet kisses under his chin and along his jawline.

Jungkook can’t resist you for much longer. He whimpers as his hips grind into yours. Bending at your every touch, he unravels beneath you. A giddy smile breaks your pouty features and it’s only then that he seems to realize how much he’s let himself go in front of you. His grip on your hips hardens. As you kiss up his face, you find his lust-stuck eyes dark with dominance. He hates being vulnerable to your touch this much.

“No, baby,” he rasps. You quirk a brow. “I hate how drunk you get off the power.”

A proud smirk twitches on the corner of your lips, confirming his words. You’ve barely had taste for the power he’s accusing you of getting drunk off of. However, the fact that you’re able to control him so well with such a small dose fills your heart with pride.

“You’re getting ahead of yourself.”

“I am?”

There’s a certain cocky pitch in your tone that rings sharply to his ears. His brows twitch, wings flutter, and gaze wavers. He may have been able to look past your exaggerations of dismissal and the way you tease him, but to speak to him with very little regard for his power unleashes something primal within him. You can always tell you’ve really pissed him off when he pouts, clenches his jaw, and breathes so steadily, you can barely hear him.

Jungkook watches you carefully. “One week without my dick and suddenly you think you own it?”

“Don’t I?”

A sharp smack lands on your ass. The slow draft of the water does not slow his hands down. In fact, it only increases the sting and accuracy. You gasp and fall forward against him only to be spanked again. Another moan leaves you, this time with your lips hovering over his. Exchanging breathes, a dangerous thought occurs to you. Your lips are over his. What’s to stop you from spit-

He growls. You tremble against him. The purely thunderous rumble in his chest rattles your soul. “I fucking dare you,” he hisses.

Though you want to heed his warning, you can’t help but notice how he keeps his mouth open despite his disapproval. You gather what you have in your mouth and pause for a moment, knowing that he knows what you’re about to do. His mouth remains open. You drop the wad of spit it without a second thought.

Jungkook swallows it almost immediately. “You’re going to regret that,” he breathes.

“I highly doubt that,” you smirk.

The cocky persona you seemed to have picked up from him crumbles when his middle finger pushes between your cheeks and circles your tightest hole. His words about his favourite ways to fuck you return to you in distant echoes. You arch your back and push your ass into his hand. His finger threatens to slip in.

“You’re barely ready,” he scoffs.

Do you harbour reservations based on fears that he just might be too big to fit in your ass? Of course you do; he’s huge. A fact of which he can’t help but always smirk at when you point it out. But, you’re hungry for him and you know that he would never do anything to hurt you. Letting out a shaky breath, you affirm, “I can take it.”

“You aren’t wet enough.”

“Then, change that.”

The continuous authority that drips in your tone has tested his patience for the last time. Reaching a hand out of the fountain, Jungkook grabs for something on the ground. You try to lean over him and sneak a peek at what he’s looking for, but the friction of your clit against his length has you shuddering back in place.

A little smile breaks Jungkook’s previously callous expression. He pecks your neck and laughs quietly against your skin as he mutters, “You’re adorable.”

Heat rushes down to your core instead of your face at the little praise. You lean down to press a gentle kiss to his lips when you catch a glimpse of something gold in your peripherals. Glancing up, you find him clutching onto his bow. Before you have the chance to ask what he’s planning, Jungkook only just drops the tip of his bow in to break the surface of the water. A misty rose gold tints the clarity. Little flicks of sparkling gold twinkle back at you as you watch the fountain filter the essence all around you.

You cautiously meet gaze. He always confirms new things with you before acting on anything, no matter how mad or horny he is. His rash decision to spike the fountain with an unknown substance chills your blood for a second. You start to shift back from him a bit when he breaks the silence.

“It’s just a lubricant,” he quickly explains. A relieved breath, you didn’t realize you were holding, leaves you. Shifting back against him, you nudge your nose against his. “Sex is a bit different underwater, baby, and I don’t have time to get you as ready as you need to be.”

A gentle nibble on his lip is all it takes for the rush of the fountain to be the only sound in the silence that settles upon you. His hands guide your hips against his, the fiction much smoother now with that hint of lubrication swirling around. You run a hand through his hand and tug his head back to be greeted with the sweet rumble of his laughter. You can’t help but giggle with him as you place soft kisses along the side of his neck.

Jungkook quietly moans in little whines and breathless gasps. Every shudder of his wings and furrow of his brows makes you want to rip your dress off and be just as naked and against him. But, then again, there’s something powerful to the taste of being fully clothed and still destroying a man’s composure. You barely have to do anything and Jungkook bends to your every will. You can now understand why he believes you’re so drunk on power, but the truth is you always had this power. He knows this, most likely wanting you to realize it too if he’s the one that suggested you stay clothed. The only difference now is that he’s openly displaying the ways you unravel him rather than keeping it to himself.

“Do you see what I mean now?” He asks in a breathless whisper. You trail your kiss up to his cheek and moan against it as he continues, “You’re so smart and beautiful and precious.”

Jungkook pauses, stilling your hips and pulling his face away from yours to look into your eyes. He parts his lips to speak but his words keep falling short somehow.

His words so far have already ignited an untamable fire not only between your legs, but within your bones as well. He is drenched in every part of you. Shifting to a softer touch, you untangle your fingers from his damp hair and cup his cheeks the same way he had done to you not too long ago. “Go on,” you tease, tossing him a playful look.

He doesn’t smile, doesn’t even smirk. His eyes, though hinted with amusement, continue to be lost in some sort of trance. He knows you’re curious, but keeps this little bit of thought to himself. Lifting your hips, he hovers your entrance over his erection and finally smirks.

“Beg a little,” he orders. Though his voice barely carries to the other side of the fountain, the authority in his tone is still as clear and hard as it always is.

Your power trip must have really messed with him if he’s having you beg without giving you a good reason to. An annoyed sigh fans against your collarbone as your body continues to hover over his. “Don’t play,” he rasps, “You know that’s not it. I can hear the truth before the lie, darling.”

That’s an unfair advantage but one you don’t mind too much if it means he talks to you like this all the time. He’s right too. You know that’s not what’s got him eager to hear you beg. It’s the way you beg that’s got him eager to fuck you. Clenching around emptiness, needy to be filled and ruined, you whine a tiny “please,” then a string of profanities as his tip strokes its way to your entrance from your clit.

“Again.”

Back arched, breasts against his bare chest, and hands clutched onto his biceps, you place your lips on the shell of his ear and blow a gentle breeze against it. “Please,” you mewl.

Jungkook’s hands tremble and he all but drops you on his cock. Pussy in an instant stretch, with very little room to adjust, you cry out in his ear. Though your voice may be broken and pitchy, Jungkook doesn’t flinch. When it comes to you, the usual results never qualify. You are one of a kind, as unique as him.

His muscles flex under your palms. Hands finding their place on your ass again, Jungkook guides your thrusts. He can practically feel your weakening body with every bounce and grind against him. You know he can. He shows it in every tightening grip on your ass and grunt in his moans.

The knot in your stomach is already twisting, conspiring against your better judgement on how long you think you can last. You’ve never been able to outlast him, cumming twice before he finally reaches his first orgasm of the night. He’s just so big and hits those right places way before the rest of him can catch up. How he manages to brush up against your softest spots within the first three thrusts will always be beyond your comprehension. He’s just that good.

The choked moan that leaves him resembles a chuckle. A frustrated whine escapes you. Is he still listening to your thoughts? It’s not like you’re thinking anything he already hasn’t heard you say, or rather scream, but it still somewhat embrassasses you to know that he will always hear how whipped you are for him.

“Tell me,” you plead with your lips pressed just under his ear. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

The sparkling water around you begins to splash out of the fountain bowl as Jungkook speeds up the pace of your bounces. Deciding your ass seems to be too much of a distraction to him, you pause mid-thrust and move his hands up to your hips. A shuddering gasp escapes him as you carry on with the bounces at his same pace. Your ass claps in and out of the water, thrashing water all around the ground.

Jungkook digs his short nails into the flesh of your hips, growling every time you whine at his tightening grip. Forehead against his, you catch his gaze and offer an innocent one. “I’m-” he cuts himself off, realizing how breathless and dazed he sounds. You nuzzle your face into his as a silent attempt to encourage him to continue. “Kiss me,” he begs.

If you weren’t stuffed full of his cock and extremely enchanted by the way he pretends to sound composed, you would’ve refused to kiss him and insisted that he finish that sentence. And that knot in the pit of your gut only tightens with the grip of your pussy. Pressing your lips against his, you slip your tongue in and let him swallow your moans.

The moment his tongue tackles yours, your legs quake. Thrusts hesitating, your body begins to spasm against his. Your hands grapple at his shoulder just to ensure you stay a float as your threatening orgasm continues to build.

“Jungk-” You break the kiss to tell him, to ask as he has taught you over and over again.

But Jungkook only latches his lips onto yours once more. You gulp down a moan or two of his before he hisses against your lips, “Just fucking cum. Now, kiss me.”

You may have been drunk off power not too long ago, but as you kiss him again, you realize that he is drunk off you. And that’s all it takes for your ograsm to finally rush over you. Jungkook lifts his hips up to meet your stuttering ones. Your lips fall off his. Face buried in the crook of his neck, you cry out his name and cream all over his cock.

“I’m thinking you’re such a good girl for cumming like this,” he suddenly whispers as you ride out your orgasm. Even with your ears ringing and mind shuddering from the second wave of cum gushing all over his hard, huge cock, you can still hear every dirty praise clearly. “My whore got herself off so well.”

The whine that escapes you from his words alone is borderline pornographic. Jungkook even feels it, arching his back so his chest collides with yours as well. “You’re so sexy,” he whimpers as you babble fountain water by his shoulder from exhaustion.

Wet, wet, wet; everything is wet. You’re both drenched in lube tinted waters, cum, and your desires. You can’t revel in it though, as the skirts of your dress float the surface and corset clings to your chest all too tightly. You can barely find it in you to breathe, let alone tell him that you need a quick break.

“No,” he groans, settling you on his thighs. Circling his hips into yours, Jungkook grips onto the nape of your neck to peel you off him.

Your heart stumbles as your mind races to figure out what you’ve done that was so wrong, he’s wanting to stop the night here. “I’m sorr-”

“You don’t need a break,” he sighs between moans. He sits himself up, his wings extending only to drape over the lip of the fountain’s bowl. All movements underwater cease as he digs his fingers into the bust of your corset. In one swift motion, Jungkook tears the first few laces apart, instantly sending a full batch of oxygen to your lungs.

Gasping, you gaze down at your torn dress before glaring at him. Maybe with just a wet dress, you could have explained your way out of whatever mess this is going to get you in when you attempt to return to the party. However, a torn dress will not be that easy to explain. You want to glare at him and tell him off but he shoves his face between your now exposed breasts and moans before you’re able to.

He moves your hands up his shoulders so your arms drape over them, then settles them on his favourite place; your ass. Two of his fingers push between your cheeks and stroke your hole. His touch there is much smoother than before and you suspect that it must be the bow-tipped lube.

You moan quietly, resting your chin atop his damp head as he kisses and bites at your breasts. Your pussy still hasn’t recovered from your orgasm seconds ago. In fact, truth be told, your entire body is having trouble recuperating after cumming that hard in a week. But you want more of him and he still hasn’t filled you of his godly load yet. And with his fingers circling around your asshole, you can’t deny him the second ride he’s patiently waiting for.

A slow grind of hips into hips is a good start, you tell yourself. You’ve never really had to deal with this before, since Jungkook would usually just keep pounding into you despite the fact that he knows your limbs are exhausted from one orgasm already. Clenching your jaw, you start to bounce again, ass clapping against his thighs in suppressed thumps underwater. The overstimulated pleasure brings tears to your eyes. You cry out his name and hold onto his wings.

He groans against your right breast from the contact. You’re about to apologize, knowing his wings are sensitive, when he shoves his fingers into your tightest hole. You freeze and throw your head back from how easily he slipped in and how fucking good it feels. Jungkook scissors his fingers within you, peeking a glance up from between your breasts.

“Are you okay, baby?” he slurs. He licks up the valley of your breasts, holding your gaze shamelessly.

“Mhm,” you mewl.

Resuming your thrusts, you feel your tears run down your face freely. You don’t even have it in you to wipe them away. Your hands, instead, centre around his back. You scratch at it for a bit until you feel him add a finger. Moans tumble into his wet hair as your fingers trail up the length of his spine.

Jungkook stiffens. A choked groan tears from his throat and he hides his face further into your breasts. They bounce around his cheeks with each hop on his cock. Too consumed by your own overstimulated pleasure to dwell much thought on his movements, or lack thereof, you mindlessly repeat the action. You stroke his spine once more and then you hear it.

He sobs a moan.

You still your hips, looking down at him. As you run a hand through his hair, you’re about to ask if he’s okay when the whooshing flutter of wings obscures your vision. One second, you’re straddling his lap with his fingers in your ass. The next, you’re the one submerged in the water with him hovering over you. Wings fully extended, face stained with tears, Jungkook makes sure your arms are resting over his shoulders like before then takes up a deadly speed of thrusts into you.

His speed defies the laws of physics, hips moving much faster than they should underwater. Half the fountain is on the ground from the force of his movement. All you can do is sob with him as your body becomes his only source of pleasure.

What’s gotten into him? He doesn’t even have an interest in your ass anymore, hands locked in a death-like grip on your hips. In a moment of pure animalistic pleasure, you just wish you knew what’s running through his head.

“You,” he growls in a pout. “You’re all I think about, you fucking whore. You’re all I can ever think about.” He swallows thickly before continuing, “You can’t go one second without thinking of me and now all I can hear is your voice. All the time; it’s you, you, you.”

You don’t know if you should apologize or cum from the simple confession alone. His voice, his words, his entire fucking attitude has you aching to cum all over again.

Jungkook stumbles over his chuckles. “You just love seeing me like this, huh? You love seeing me worship you, baby?”

Worship. Does he want you to cum that badly that he’s willing to lie? You both know he doesn’t worshi-

A sharp thrust derails your thoughts. Your eyes roll back as you moan out his name.

“You’re my goddess,” he confesses. “You’re my only goddess.”

He repeats the phrase over and over again until that’s all that rings in your ear, in your heart, in your soul. His release paints your tightening walls. The knots within your gut have unraveled long ago and it’s only when your blurred vision somewhat clears and convulsing body trickles into tremors do you realize that you’ve both cum together to the words he’s still repeating.

Voice a tiny, gruff whisper, Jungkook whispers, “My goddess.”

He’s serious. He must be. He truly worships you. The tears in his eyes, the break in his voice, the truth is clear and just as starkly bare as he is between your legs. His eyes suddenly flash with worry, almost as if he’s recognized what he’s said. He meant what he said, you realize, but he never meant to say it.

Jungkook gingerly pulls out of you as you try to seat yourself up. You pull your legs into your chest and watch him take a seat beside you. He leans his head back against the rim of the fountain and gazes up at the sky. You follow his gaze, noticing it’s gotten much darker out, the silver stream of stars piercing an indigo backdrop no more. A midnight black cloaks the world above you, a crescent moon lighting up your night and an array of stars twinkling down at you. Though your mind is still foggy from your recent orgasms, body still shuddering, you can’t help but think about his words. What makes him think you belong up there, amongst true gods and goddesses?

His wings twitch as they tuck themselves behind him. You know that combination well. He’s hiding something. Usually, you don’t ask, knowing he will only deflect the topic and shower you with attention and praises instead. But, his spoken thoughts are now looping around your mind, begging to be answered.

“Jungkook,” you mutter, shifting closer to him. Face still stained with tears, he forces himself to look at you. The questions are on the tip of your tongue; what, why, when? However, as you part your lips all you can bring yourself to say is, “I didn’t hear anything.”

You’re my goddess.

The words return with ten times the force they previously held. It’s almost like denying their existence is just as blasphemous as saying them. You swallow thickly and try to extract the words from your mind, but it's too late. They are as entrenched in your bones as your affection for him is. There is no undoing what has been done.

You bring a hand up to his face and wipe away the stray tears. He melts into you almost immediately. Maybe it’s best if you return to the party now. You can make up some excuse as to why you’re drenched and torn on your way there. Jungkook’s state is all but worrying and you feel as though you shouldn’t be witnessing this.

“I’m not done with you yet,” he finally says. His voice has regained composure and tone controlled. No more does he choke on his words or laughter. The authority he indirectly bestowed upon you has been returned to him.

You should tell him you’re done, that he shouldn’t say things he doesn’t mean to. You should tell him that he shouldn’t play with your feelings or your heart like this. But, again, the words wither away the moment you part your lips to voice them. And, instead, you ask, “How do you want me?”

Jungkook smirks. His hands snake around your hips and lift you up onto his lap. Back to his chest, you make yourself comfortable, leaning into him. He pushes the excess fabric of your dress aside just to get you as close as possible. Then, you feel it against your ass, pushing its way between your cheeks. His erection is just as hard as when you started. It’s no wonder why he’s not done with you yet. You suppose he didn’t just confess something he can’t take back only to still leave with a full hard-on.

“I thought you didn’t hear anything,” he whispers in your ear as his hands cup the underside of your thighs.

You nervously look at him over your shoulder. “I didn’t.”

He chews on your earlobe, warm tongue caressing your jaw. “I should stop thinking about it,” he whimpers against your skin. “I should stop thinking about you.”

I’m not a goddess, you want to tell him. But, by the way he sucks in a sharp breath, you can tell he’s heard and isn’t impressed. He opens his mouth to say something, maybe to scold you for degrading yourself, or to correct you. The words never arrive.

Jungkook shakily exhales. No more trips into his thoughts it would seem. He remains silent as he spreads your legs and swiftly lifts you up. You expect another harsh round into your pussy but his tip shoves its way through your asshole instead. Throwing your head back, you try to suppress your scream by holding your breath.

It doesn’t hurt as much as it usually does during the first initial thrust of a toy. Whatever he tinted the water with must be the result of a smooth entrance, and a deliciously blissful stretch. You let out a breath you held, along with a loud, high-pitched squeal. Jungkook folds you up well, holding the bend of each knee into your chest as he continues to slowly lower you onto him.

Once you finally take him all in, you settle your entire body back into him. Shuddering breaths, drifting eyes, you hold him deep within you and try not to completely lose yourself in a fit of moans and pleads. You don’t even know what you’d be begging for, just that a string of “pleases” will leave you.

Are you getting bigger, you mentally ask.

He chuckles and shakes his head as his nose nuzzles into your cheeks. He can’t get enough. Inhaling you deeply, you realize that he can’t get enough of you. He even said so in so many words. And you don’t have much of a problem with that considering you can’t ever get enough of him either. You’ve consumed all of his thoughts it would seem and he’s even lost himself to you so much so that he’s declared you his one and only god-

“Fuck!”

The stream of the fountain rushes down on your clit. He holds you straight beneath it as his hips move up and down against your ass. You’re at his total mercy, every thought of ever being in control a complete joke. You rest your head against his shoulders, trembling hands placed over his as a desperate attempt to control yourself.

Your first water wave induced orgasm hits you within seconds. You don’t know for sure, but you’re all but certain that you’re cumming. Your eyes have been screwed shut for a while, and body shaking since this endeavor in the fountain began. Only when you try to close your legs do you confirm that you indeed came.

Jungkook keeps them open though. He ignores your pathetic scratches on his knuckles as you try to explain to him that it’s all just too fucking much for you to take. “Just let me cum,” he tries to soothe between little hushes and murmurs about how good you’re taking his cock.

But then your second orgasm from the fountain hits and you can’t stop squirming in his hold. He keeps you folded and under the water’s subjection nonetheless, somehow even cooling the temperature down. As you shiver under the cold rush, Jungkook positions you higher against him so that the water pours into you instead. You realize, pussy clean of his cum now, that you’re getting fucked by a fountain; a fountain that he controls. And you fucking love it.

Then, there’s the fullness of your ass. Every inch of you is his. If you’re his goddess, he must know that he’s your god. Your one and only.

“Careful,” he warns against your thoughts.

You have an assful of his cock in you, getting off more times than you can both count in a fountain that does not belong to either of you; when have the two of you ever been careful? In fact, your recklessness is what brought you together. Had he not seen you on your balcony every night, he might not be here at all. Carelessness runs in your veins, laced in your tone as you cry out, “You’re my god!”

The clouds rumble above you. The heavens can warn all they want. Interrupting sexual endeavors would do them more harm than it would do you.

“If you want to cum, you’ll behave,” Jungkook hisses. His thrusts suddenly snap into something primal.

Your body bounces every time, water rushing down your clit once more. This time you feel your orgasm build, and fast. Toes curling, eyes rolling to the back of your head, you hold onto every twisting, clenching knot at the pit of your stomach.

“Ask!”

“Please?”

A particular ram into your ass lets you know that half-hearted plea won’t get you very far. He doesn’t deign to repeat himself. Instead, he lets his harsh movements and bone-rattling growls speak for him.

“Please let me cum, Jungkook, please.”

“Again.”

“Please, please, please, Jungkook.”

He doesn’t say it. But you feel it. You feel the approval in the form of a gentle kiss against your ear. Hips a craze, rolling against the wave, you clench your jaw and try to channel all your pleasure in a high-pitched moan rather than the cry your lungs are desperate to let out. Your cum gushes then, juices squirt seconds later. Entire body on fire, under the scrutiny of the stream as you try and fail to recollect yourself. You’re shattered, ruined, obliterated by his cock and this fountain of fantasies.

“That’s a good girl,” he coos. “That’s my good girl.”

His. His. Gods, the things you would do to be his always, not just under the cover of the night. Jungkook releases your legs, wrapping his arms around your waist as he grounds your ass over his hips. Load after load shoots within you, making your giggle and shake with ecstasy at the filling sensation of being stuffed so well.

“Ah-yah, baby,” he groans in a scowl against your jawline. “You’ve got the tightest little hole for me, hmm? If you weren’t so exhausted, I’d have us do this all over again.”

Exhaustion. Yes, that’s what you’re feeling. With your mind foggy and broken from the countless orgasms he’s sent through you, you can barely find it in you to breathe, let alone think to go for another round. Your body’s only excuse for staying afloat is the winged god behind you. He clutches onto you as if his only reason for surviving is you. And judging by his previous confession, that very well might be the case.

Jungkook rests back against the fountain’s edge once he’s done. Gasping for air, he continues to hold onto you, kissing your shoulder mindlessly. “I never really know how much I miss you until I have you,” he whispers. His teeth graze your supple skin.

Body limp, you can’t find it in you to reply. All you can think is after he pulls out, he’s going to fly back to Gods know where and leave you to hobble back to the party alone. After all, isn’t that how every night ends? You two share a passionate few moments, both have out of body experiences when orgasming, then you fall asleep and he sneaks away. What’s to say this night won’t be any different?

“I thought I told you to trust me?”

“I do.”

He scoffs. You don’t blame him. Your words are hardly convincing. It has nothing to do with the fact that you just came five or six different times. It’s the lack of commitment in your tone that tips him off. You hear it too. You really do trust him. He’s just let you down too many times to count.

“What more do I need to do? I’m with you every chance I get.”

Exhaustion. It’s not a physical one, not the one you’re still recovering from. It’s one of the mind. He’s exhausted with this back and forth. You are too. This isn’t exactly what you thought your first relationship would look like.

He pauses, body freezing beneath you.

Oh, right. He’s in your mind. He heard that. Is that not what this is, though? Isn’t this a relationship?

“Say it.”

“What?”

“Say it,” You repeat, looking at him over your shoulder.

Jungkook starts to soften in you. You’ve really set him off now. He lifts you up and off his cock, sitting you on his thigh and ignoring the way you hiss and whine at the discomfort. You turn to glare at him over your shoulder only to find him already glaring at you.

“Do you want me to come back?”

Is he threatening you? “Do I have to remind you who came here begging-”

“You lied!” He cuts you off with a shout.

“You knew that, though. You knew I was lying,” you point out, a pout starting to overtake your features. “You came because you missed me.”

“That’s never been a secret.”

“Say it then, Jungkook. Say this is a relationship.”

He falls silent. His once annoyed eyes can’t even meet yours.

“I know you’re jealous of Lee Ky-”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” he scoffs. Shaking his head, he forces himself to meet your gaze.

Sad tears vary drastically from blissful ones. Tears of bliss soothe the pleasure and make it bearable. Tears of sadness sting your eyes, pierce your heart and shed any part of you that can make such a situation bearable. Sad tears only remind you of your pain.

Your eyes sting with despair as he regards you with such frustration. Emptying your mind, discarding all thoughts, you ask, “Are you coming tomorrow?”

Jungkook sighs, but not a beat of hesitance affects his answer. “Of course.”

You raise a brow. See?

“Fine. This is a relationship,” he mutters. “What does that change?”

Nothing. It hasn’t changed a thing. You don’t even feel any different, any better. Maybe it’s because you forced it out of him? You don’t know. The tears only fall faster though, and you can’t bear to look at him. Your heart’s conflicted, shattered and replaced all at once because, though he is the cause of your tears, his presence is also the only thing soothing them. You wrap your arms around his neck and rest your temple over his.

You can at least relish in his company for a few moments longer. And his scent, that intoxicating waft of creamy coconut and sweet peony orchards returns now that all that mud and grime has been washed off. The scent is comforting enough for you to relax in his arms and forget your pain for a second.

“That’s not what I smell like,” he whispers. You tilt your head away to get a better look at him. A little smirk tugs on the corner of his lip as he says, “It’s what you smell like.”

Impossible. He’s always smelled like at the end of every night. You’d cuddle into his chest and inhale a breathful of the tropical scent. How could that be what you smell like if he reeks of it? The knowing look in his eyes is enough of a hint for you to realize you know the answer. He’s dripping with your essence every night because he spent the night in you. You wonder if you smell like him too.

He sighs, circling his arms lazily around your waist. He deeply inhales your skin, smiling against it, but doesn’t answer your mentally posed question. Damp hair clinging to the sides of your faces, you settle in the other’s company. One of his hands rises from the water and wipes away your tears. As you sniffle, he whispers, “I promise I’m-”

“Doing the best you can,” you croak, finishing his sentence with him.

Yes, yes. You’ve heard it all before. You don’t think he’s lying, your Eros is no liar. You do believe that he is, in fact, doing the best he can. But if his best is only a few hours every night, you’re not sure you can accept that. And, yet, you also can’t find it in you to truly, with all your heart, reject it as well.

He needs to prove his devotion to you in another way. A risky thought then tiptoes into your mind. Gulping down the lump in your throat, you take a deep breath and ask, “Could you do me a tiny favour?”

Jungkook’s hesitant to meet your gaze. He glances at you through his peripherals, otherwise keeping his gaze locked on your breasts. Whether he’s trying to distract himself or not, you still push them out a bit in hopes that they will grant you the “yes” you’re hoping to hear.

He nods.

With a little kiss upon his cheek, you stroke his shoulder with the soft tips of your fingers and ask, “Would you please escort me to my sister’s wedding?”

He turns his head away from you. Staring across at the other side of the garden, Jungkook withdraws from you. His hands fall off your frame as he heavily sighs. You press yourself against him, trying to regain his attention but he only shakes his head.

“Acting cute won’t make this any easier,” he grumbles.

You huff and slouch against him. “How about just the rehearsal dinner?” You try to negotiate. When he rolls his eyes, you quickly add, “I’ll be stuck with Kyon and honestly I don’t think I handle another minute of his incorrect reilieration about history.”

Jungkook snaps his head towards you at the mention of another man. You cock a brow to which he only scoffs at. “You’re being obnoxious,” he seethes. “And unbelievably selfish.”

“So?” you question before you can stop yourself. His words sting, slicing through your confidence all too easily. There isn’t much room for thinking and even if there was, he would be listening to them anyways. So, you might as well say what you want out loud. “Was it not selfish of you to make me wait-”

“For fuck’s sake,” he mutters under his breath. “I’m not going to repeat myself, (Y/N). You can’t keep telling me that you trust me only to keep bringing this up. I was busy. You had to wait. It didn’t kill you.”

Your tears have returned. He rolls his eyes at the sight. Whatever remnants of your heart you thought you had has been obliviated. “You make me feel so loved,” you whisper as your hands retract from his body.

Jungkook’s expression disarms all hostility. His eyes reflect regret but you’ve heard, seen all you need to.

“But why do you only make me feel this way when we’re naked?”

“You’re not naked,” he’s quick to reply.

It’s your turn to scoff. How can a god be this dense? “Aren’t I, though? Tell me, Jeon Jungkook, whose thoughts are open for the other to hear? Who is the one waiting, praying for the other’s attention? Who has been bare since first glance on the stupid balcony you left last night?”

Before he couldn’t meet your eye out of disinterest, but now he avoids your gaze out of guilt. Yes, you’ve been obnoxious, selfish, maybe even a little entitled. However, you’ve had a god to yourself for months. You’ve had endless moments of ecstasy that only end in soft cuddles and whispered sweet nothings into the night. Is wanting that attention when the sun hasn’t set yet too much to ask?

Jungkook parts his lips to reply when his eyes suddenly shoot up. He sits up, almost knocking you off his lap and snaps his head towards the very pathway you came from.

“(Y/N)!”

You gasp upon hearing your mother’s voice. The clicks of her heels draw further towards you and before you can look at Jungkook and ask what you should do, what you should say, you’re thrown into the fountain.

Ice cold waves engulf you as you inhale a good chunk of the fountain. Your lungs burn from the accidental intake of water. You only just get your hands under you and sit yourself up and out of the water as quickly as you can. Familiar shouts ring in the distance. Coughing up the fountain, you push your hair back and look around the garden.

Your mother is staring at you in utter shock, screaming at you to come out but refusing to help you herself. As you try to lift yourself up, you find the water has returned to its usual clarity and that Jungkook is nowhere to be found. He seriously left you to almost drown in the fountain by yourself? He’d be lucky to get more than a kiss from your tomorrow night. You can’t believe he has the audacity to yell at you then let you there like that. In a fit of anger, you send a lashing string after lashing string of profanities to him in the form of a prayer.

“Miss (L/N)!”

Your blood chills. Hands on the lip of the fountain, you turn towards his voice. Fully dressed in a dark blue suit, his wings nowhere to be found, and dry hair pulled back a neat ponytail, Jungkook rushes over to you. His strong hands settle on your waist before he effortlessly scoops you out.

All you can do is stare. Mouth agape, eyes vacant, you try to figure out why the hell he made himself all presentable and left you looking like a mess. You want to whisper your profanities and swear that he will never touch your ass for leaving you in such a mess, but all you can find yourself saying is, “Mr. Jeon.”

His eyes shoot to the sky as your mother rushes towards you. Nothing is making sense and you only wish you can read his mind to know what to do next.

“Goodness, (Y/N),” your mother hisses as she rushes towards you. “Cover yourself!”

Looking down at your bust, you gasp. Oh, right, he tore it. Crossing your arms over your chest, you look up at him and glare. But Jungkook only takes off his jacket and drapes it over your shoulders. It’s only when you feel your mother’s arms around you do you realize that you’re shivering.

“What have you done to yourself now?” she whispers in your ear.

Her eyes then settle on Jungkook. That look graces her face. That look of assessment. She’s scanning the unknown god up and down, looking for signs of wealth, status, and reliability. It doesn’t take her long to innocently smile and fall victim to his beauty, “Thank you kindly, Mr. Jeon.”

He bows his head then turns to you and says, “I told you not to sit on the edge.” Jungkook fakes a polished chuckle. He shakes his head at you when your eyes narrow at him. “I told her, Mrs. (L/N), I told her the marble is slippery. But, Miss (L/N) just had to get a better look at those flowers.”

You glance back at the fountain with your mother, finding an array of tiger lilies floating in the bowl. All this trouble to explain why you’re wet? You look back at him cautiously and wonder what the end of this conversation is meant to look like.

“Yes, she loves flowers,” your mother sighs. She then sets her sights on Jungkook once more and asks, “Jeon… I’m not sure I know of the Jeons. Are you from out of town?”

Jungkook charms your mother instantly with that kind, toothy smile of his. He nods and compliments her quick wits, to which she laughs, then explains, “I’m visiting for the wedding.”

The wedding? Does that mean?

“Miss (L/N) invited me. I’m rather glad to have run into you, Mrs. (L/N) as I was hoping to ask permission to escort your daughter to the wedding.”

One of your hands, previously covering your right breast, shoots up to cover your mouth out of utter shock. Did he orchestrate all this just to agree to your favour? You hope you haven’t guilted him into it. You’ve done that to get him here and admit to your relationship; you already regret doing that. You just hope he’s acting on his own accord right now.

Jungkook shoots you a wink as your mother fixes the jacket so that your uncovered breast is concealed once more. Sighing of relief, you offer him a grateful smile.

“Are you sure?” Your mother suddenly asks, looking back to Jungkook. “(Y/N) is the one you want to escort?”

He glances at you and smiles. “Miss (L/N) the one and only thing I’m always sure about.”

Your mother raises a brow at you. She smells something fishy, knows something is off about this entire encounter. You watch her carefully as she looks between you and Jungkook. And when you expect her to refuse, to lecture you in front of him, your mother adopts an opposite approach. She smiles upon the two of you and shifts you closer to Jungkook.

“I would be delighted to have you escort my daughter, Mr. Jeon,” she beams. “Do you mind walking (Y/N) to the carriages? I cannot let her go back and drip all over the Barbury’s rugs.”

Jungkook offers you his elbow, returning your mother’s smile. “It would be my pleasure.”

You stumble towards Jungkook, your mother practically pushing you into him. With a shaky hand, you take his arm and let him guide you out of the maze. After a turn or two within the tall hedges, you part your lips to ask him what he thinks he’s doing.

However, Jungkook fills the silence before you can. “I’ll buy you an entire bouquet of lilies, darling. Just promise me to never fall into a fountain again,” he laughs, exaggerating the volume of his voice.

This time, you pick up on his hints and realize that your mother must still be close by if he’s still putting up such an act. “I promise it won’t happen again, Mr. Jeon,” you innocently reply.

A smirk, you know is real, graces his features. He walks you around the manor and to the front of the house before breaking out of this noble character of his. “I think she bought it. Your mother is a very suspicious woman.”

You scoff. “That’s just one of many titles she holds,” you mumble under your breath. As you walk towards your family’s carriage, you can’t help but ask, “Why did you do that?”

Jungkook stops you before the door and takes both your hands in his. Those amused eyes linger around your exposed breasts. He chuckles a bit at the way you arch your back to keep them there, making you giggle along with him.

“Are you happy?”

You pause. Is that why he did this? To make you happy?

“Are you?”

He gives you a pointed look. “Answer the question, (Y/N).”

“Are you just doing this to make me happy, Jungkook?” You ask instead. “Because I will go back to her and tell her that we were both in that fountain and-”

“So what if I am?” He cuts you off. “I want you to be happy, (Y/N). Why is that so wrong?”

It’s not. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting you to be happy. But you want him to be happy with his decision. You’ve forced him into admitting things and meeting you. You don’t want to force him into this too. You want him to want to take you, to want to be with you. That is what true happiness is to you. It’s Jungkook unconditionally wanting you the way you unconditionally want him.

Jungkook cups your face. Leaning his forehead against yours, he whispers, “I’m sorry I make you think I don’t want you just as much as you want me.” His nose brushes against yours, hitching your breath as he presses himself against you and continues in a breathy whisper, “Watching you cry breaks me in ways I can’t describe. And being the reason for your tears just destroys me, (Y/N). I’ll do anything to see you smile again.”

Then, he presses his lips upon yours, reaching for the carriage door behind you. When he pulls away, he doesn’t give you a chance to reply, ushering you into your seat. “I’ll see you tomorrow night, baby,” he smiles.

You’ve misjudged him for the third time tonight. Thinking he doesn’t care for you, thinking he left you, and thinking he doesn’t want you. All you can do now is pray that he forgives you for all the curses you’ve hurled his way.

He chuckles and places kisses on both your hands. “It was very amusing actually.”

You nod. “I’m sure.” But, you’re still sorry.

With one last round of kisses over your knuckles, Jungkook promises, “I won’t be late.”

“I’ll be waiting regardless,” you immediately reply.

The next three words are on the tip of your tongue. He can almost hear them, judging by the twitch of his brows. You don’t have a chance to say them though as he clears his throat and shuts the door. You watch him from the window, shakily exhaling.

Jungkook calls the coachmen. The carriage jerks forward. The lasting image of his smirk, those sweet eyes and that muscular frame is all you try to see. However, in seconds, he’s pulled from view. The only memory you have of him remains with that sacrilegious confession in a fountain of fantasies.

note; please do not leave hate towards me or any other readers. please do not copy, repost, or translate any of my work without my permission.

#networkbangtan #btsguild #btswritingcafe #bangtanfairygarden #bangtanhq #goldenclosetnet #btsgoldnet #magicshopnet #jungkook smut #greek god au #jungkook fluff #jeon jungkook smut #jeon jungkook fluff #bts smut

2K notes · View notes