#don’t know if I’m expressing myself as properly and as articulate as I’d like

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

Begging swifties to understand that Taylor didn’t write reputation and Lover with the knowledge of how the relationship was going to end and that trying to “excavate” those albums for evidence to prove a specific theory as to why it ended is not how they should be viewed. Taylor wrote those songs feeling a very specific way because that’s what she was experiencing and she is now reflecting on them with hindsight and relates to them differently than when she first created them. These conflicting emotions can exist; how she views it now doesn’t diminish how she felt about it when she first released it.

[old-acc-discourseisdumb]

I didn’t start identifying as queer so I could be diagnosed with a label. I’m not an animal being classified under a biological term, a taxonomic group which has a criteria so rigid it will only be changed with mind blowing biological evidence, only to be met with criticism and doubt still. These are feelings, language and culture.

Feelings can be straightforward, such as happy, feelings can be charged with layers and layers of experiences and years of history behind them, such as anger, and feelings can be conflicting or not quite fit with any known word. That’s how people make up new words based on old, well known concepts, such as bittersweet. Gender and attraction are feelings.

Language evolves, yes, but not in the same way as animals. It’s not coincidence after coincidence and survival of the fittest. Most of the time, it’s forced, purposeful changes. Take the word ‘okay’ — once upon a time a small group thought the feeling they were trying to communicate wasn’t properly explained with the phrase ‘all correct.’ People began to misspell it ironically as ‘orl korrect’, which was shortened to ‘OK’. A few decades later, ‘okay’ came about, because ‘OK’ wasn’t communicating what people wanted anymore. Language is changed and added to when someone wants something to be known and has no current way of articulating it. Sometimes it’s ridiculed, such as some slang, different dialects, and English variations. Gender and attraction are expressed through language because it’s a feeling.

Culture should be viewed through the lens of an anthropologist — someone who studies humanity. Witness without judgment people using whatever confusing and contradictory labels they like, if any at all, and together we can study those behaviours to discover why they bring such comfort. After all, you can’t properly study the behaviour of people who you’re forcing to act a certain way. Gender is a part of culture because of it’s significant role in language.

Queerness should not be about rigid criteria, exclusion, or checklists. It’s a beautiful, colourful feeling on a spectrum which can only be expressed through words in an attempt to summarise it.

I’d like to draw specific attention to the following:

Identities outside the binary, such as bigender people.

Contrasting identities, such as a woman who experiences gay love for men.

New and uncommon identities, such as xenogenders.

The use of the term ‘non-men’, which chooses to describe lesbian identities in relation to the exclusion of men instead of in relation to a unique, feminine love of women. Being a lesbian is least of all about men, so I don’t see why it should be defined in relation to them.

The arguments against such identities are recycled queerphobia. Men who are also lesbians—and others who don’t neatly fit into binary labels—do not need to pick a side, just like bisexual people don’t. Neopronoun users aren’t cisgender attention seekers trying to be special, just like the non-binary people attacked with those words or the binary transgender people before them. These are just some of the awful things I’ve heard about the less accepted side of our community.

Such people, including myself, may not be practicing queerness in a way well-known by the mainstream, but it should be expected that as more and more identities become common, more are discovered. If you want to take a torch into the darkness to welcome the people you know are hiding there, expect to see an entire world you were blinded to.

[rosesloveletters]

I don’t often speak openly about my father F/O, Terry, but since it has been one year since I met him, I felt obligated to share some thoughts. The only person who knows him perhaps as well as I do is @ajokeformur-ray and I want to thank you for letting me tell you all about him and share with you all of my crazed imaginings and thoughts about who he is and what exactly he means to me. 

From a young age, I’ve lacked a sense of belonging. I do want to clarify that I deeply appreciate, love and care for my real family, make no mistake. Only, I cannot look at either of my parents and see much, if any, resemblance to them, in physicality, personality, etc. I am very much my own person and I prefer it to be that way, even though it can be isolating and leave me feeling like I don’t belong much of any place. There were parts of myself I never fully understood, personality traits that are so far removed from what I felt I should be and I often felt there might just be something wrong with me or that there might be something missing from who I’ve grown into and become. I hold myself back from expressing all of these things because it feels silly to say out loud. 

Self-shipping of this kind has allowed me to feel more comfortable with who I am, for who I am. I don’t have to pretend to be satisfied with the bare minimum or compromise my own worth. Because of Terry, I feel as though I belong somewhere. I can be proud of the woman I have become and develop those aspects of myself that I’ve been either ashamed of or have felt made me less than. He’s changed my life for the better and I’m so lucky I have him in my life. I feel more secure and more loved because of him. 

It’s no hidden truth that sometimes, for one reason or another, within our real lives, our families, friends or others cannot always meet our needs. Terry has helped me recognize what those needs are, the type of parental relationship I desire now that I am grown. Parent-child relationships are so difficult to navigate and they don’t get any easier once a child grows into an adult. Having emotional needs which are left consistently unmet are equally difficult. I did not realize a year ago how profound my need was for a parental F/O, but with a year’s perspective, I understand how lucky I am to have Terry. My connection with him strengthens the connection I have with myself and through him am I able to better understand the person that I am meant to be and cultivate the best and healthiest possible environment for myself, especially now that I am living on my own, which was a huge life change in and of itself and I’m so so grateful I met Terry around the time I moved out. 

Terry has given me back a very large piece of myself and I am oh so protective of it. I have a sense of belonging because of him and I trust myself a little more. Where I once was uncertain, I feel much more confident, which speaks for itself since confidence is not quite what I am known for. I at least feel as if I know a bit better about who I am and why I am. I suppose self-shipping of this kind is a way to “make up for” what I felt like I needed or perhaps what I still need or want. All that which matters to me are the positive emotions which he evokes and the missing piece I allowed myself to put back into place when he came into my life. 

I cling to him so vehemently because of all he has done for me. He guides me and is the reason I strive to be better than myself. He is a very grand F/O to have to try to live up to, but for him, I’d move mountains. I love him, but even those words are not enough to properly articulate what he means to me. 

[sykilik101]

Third Wheel

Ash was never one for expressing his emotions with any kind of subtlety. Courage, pride, anger; he only knew how to articulate his feelings at max power. As it turned out, that also applied to being love-struck. Between all the flushes of red on his cheeks and the ways he’d keep glancing in Misty’s direction, it wasn’t hard to figure out how he felt about her. That, and the picture of her I caught him staring at last week.

It had been an accident, naturally. He’d scrambled to hide the evidence, but at that point it was obvious to us both that I knew. Well, I’d known sooner, but he didn’t need to know that. Not right away, at least.

After taking a vow of silence for his sake, I’d expected Ash to never bring it up again. He hadn’t actually admitted to liking her, and I didn’t feel like coercing a confession out of him. I assumed he’d just deny anything if I asked, as he’d often done to everyone who ever teased him about liking her.

And yet...

“Brock, are you even listening?”

I nodded, swirling the wooden spoon through the stew. “Yeah, sure.”

“Really? Then what did I just say?”

“You think Misty is pretty.”

“...I already said that.”

“You’ve said it every night this past week, after all.”

“Well, that’s because it’s true!”

The night after my photographic discovery, Ash had approached me, his head down and his smile sheepish. Misty was bathing at the river, leaving the two of us alone. Ash coming to me during my preparation of dinner was common; the fluster written all over his face wasn’t.

Before I could say anything he’d simply blurted it out. “I like Misty.” No build up, no warning, as blunt as I’d come to expect from him. I’d nearly fumbled my knife from shock, which would have been terrible; that would mean leaving dinner to them two, and I actually felt like eating that night.

“You...really?”

He’d nodded, his smile losing its hesitancy and growing in joy. What followed was a spiel of Ash putting all of those amorous glances at her into words. Even as my focus had been on making sure our dinner was cooking properly, he went on and on about Misty’s traits that had apparently become flattering practically overnight. Every night since, whenever Misty was off bathing, Ash used that time to unload all his sappy thoughts onto me.

Well, I guess it’s not like I hadn’t seen it coming a mile away.

It was funny how Misty was quick to call Ash dense when she’d never caught on to all the ways Ash had started falling for her over the years. I’d certainly noticed, though, like how he always made sure to eat next to her or set his sleeping bag by her side, things like that. I don’t think Ash consciously knew how he felt right away, but he must have caught on at some point, and Misty was none the wiser to any of it.

Ash prodded at my arm with further annoyance. “You’re supposed to be listening here, Brock.”

I offered what I hoped was a sympathetic smile. “Sorry, just focusing on dinner. I’ll listen this time for sure, promise.”

He crossed his arms and huffed, though his face quickly shifted to a more morose expression. “Do you think...does she really only think of me as a friend?”

“Are you talking about earlier?”

For the millionth time over the span of our journey, someone had interpreted Ash and Misty’s antics as romantic, and in the usual fashion they both denied it vehemently. Her remarks revolved around Ash simply being a friend and traveling partner, one who still owed her a bike. It was a common dismissive comment for her, and I’d allowed myself a glance at the little twitch in Ash’s eye when she said it.

“She’s forgotten about it before, so I kinda assumed that she actually likes traveling with m- us.”

I grinned at his little attempt to keep me included and I shook my head. “If it makes you feel better, Ash, I’ve enjoyed traveling with you up until this point. If she’s the Misty that we both know, I think she feels the same way, too.”

“Well, why does she keep bringing it up? Can’t she just say we’re just friends? Not that that’s any better…”

The last sentence was more mumble than exasperation. I gave the pot an extra stir. “She’s probably just used to saying it by now. Y’know, a bad habit. I can’t think of many other reasons she’d stick to the bike excuse.” I actually could, but I didn’t want to assume anything.

He didn’t answer right away, opting to lean forward on the log and lace his fingers together. I could hear him inhale slowly, but sigh sharply. “What do you think she would do if I actually paid her back?”

“How are you planning on doing that?”

He shook his head. “I’m not saying I can right now. I’m just thinking, do you think she’d stay on this journey with us?”

Being so used to Ash’s musings being upbeat and, well, gushy, it was off-putting to hear his tone get so down with regards to Misty. I didn’t have a real answer, but I could at least encourage him. “Y’know, I’m pretty sure she would. Don’t forget, she wanted to go on a journey to become a water Pokémon Master, right? I’d say she’s doing that and being with us. And besides,” I allowed myself another grin, “I’m sure she’d find some excuse to stay by your side even if you got her another bike.”

His face began to brighten. “You really think so?”

“You bet. I could imagine her saying that you’d never win another badge without her help.”

His first laugh of the evening resonated through the campsite and I savored my own delight at having cheered my friend up. “I could win any badge I wanted to all on my own. But…I’m really glad to have her cheering for me.”

“You know, you don’t hear everything she says during your battles.”

“What do you mean?”

I almost felt guilty at how quickly his mood shifted just by giving different context to Misty and her different relations to him, but since I was using this power for good, I swept it under my mental rug. “Sometimes you’ll make a mistake and she’ll say ‘don’t do that, Ash’ or ‘get it together’, you know, stuff like that.”

In a flash his grin plastered itself back onto his face, though it had brought along a pair of rosy cheeks. “Does she really?”

“Mhm, all the time, especially when you’re losing.”

It was like a twinge of annoyance had momentarily tried, but failed, to break through his smirk. “Lucky for me I haven’t lost a match in a while, huh?”

I nodded, sensing that Ash’s ego was starting to flare up, which was a funny thing to happen when talking about a crush of all things. Then again, I’d never gotten the impression Ash would know what to do with romantic feelings if he ever developed them, so I couldn’t say I was surprised.

Actually, what was Ash planning on doing about his crush?

“Are you gonna tell her?”

“...tell her what?”

“That you like her?”

Ideation of his recent win streak was clearly still on his mind and his brain hadn’t processed the question yet. Seconds later his mouth twisted as he sputtered out what I assumed was an answer, but it sounded more like the cry of some Pokémon that hadn’t been discovered yet. I checked the taste of the stew to hide my smirk. “I’m gonna need you to repeat that, Ash.”

“I’m...I’m gonna tell her. Eventually.” I wasn’t really convinced, and judging by his new expression he could probably tell. “I’m just not really sure of the right time. I kinda wondered if it would be okay to tell her when I got her another bike.”

“Whenever that is.”

“I’m really gonna pay her back, okay?”

“Are you worried she’ll say no?”

“To me getting her a new bike?”

“Ash.”

His thumbs began rolling in slow circles, the rest of his body still aside from his breathing. He nibbled at his lip. “Even if Misty doesn’t like me back, I don’t think we’ll stop being friends because of it. It’s just...when I think of liking Misty, it makes sense to me, you know? It’s the same with me liking Pokémon. I can’t really explain it, but I know it. I guess I’m kinda scared that I’ll lose something that makes sense to me.”

I gave the stew one last good stir before setting the spoon across the top of the pot. The conversation had gotten to the point where Ash deserved my full attention. “What would be the best case scenario if you told her?”

“I guess...she’d say she likes me back.”

“And then?”

He leaned his head back, a thousand-mile stare matching his now reddened cheeks. It took him a few extra seconds to break away from his fantasy world. “I guess we’d do what people who like each other do. Y’know, holding hand and...all that stuff.” A sudden look of realization straightened his face out, blinking before turning to me. “Actually, Brock, you always seem able to hold a girl’s hand or talk about being in love with them so easily.”

I chuckled nervously, touching my fingers to the back of my neck. “W-well, my case is a little different from yours, that’s all.” I wouldn’t say jealous was the word, but while I was fascinated in finding an everlasting love somewhere out in the world, it was obvious to me that Ash had already found his. He just needed a bit more time and courage to get to her.

He didn’t look fully satisfied with my answer, but shrugged all the same. “I just wonder if it should even be this hard. I want her to like me back, but every time I think about telling her, I get all tense.” He smirked. “That’s kinda why I wanted to tell her when I got her another bike. It’d be like...I’m not just telling her, but showing her, you know?”

It was always my view that Ash was dense to romance, or at the least didn’t understand when it applied to him specifically. However, that little grin and the way his interlaced fingertips started bouncing back and forth said enough about how natural it was for him, at least with regards to Misty. Knowing him he probably didn’t even consider what he’d just said as an act of love, just a solution to his nervousness issue.

“If you think that’s the best move, then that’s what you should go for.”

What else was there to say? My gut told me he’d probably succeed no matter what he did, but if he wanted the bike to be his vehicle for delivering his confession, I didn’t have much room to say otherwise. Not after that kind of admission.

He nodded, but before he could say anything else the sound of footsteps cut him off. “I’m back.”

Our attention was pulled towards Misty re-entering the campsite, her hair down and still damp. Without missing a beat I glanced towards Ash, newly appreciating that giddy little smile he was clearly trying his best to hide. Twice now he’d gushed about how Misty looked with her hair down, but the look on his face said it all.

I still had no idea how Misty hadn’t figured it out yet.

“It’s your turn, Ash, and don’t just jump in and out. Actually clean yourself for once.”

“Misty, I always clean myself! At least I don’t spend forever taking a bath like some people!”

“For your information, I need to wash away all the dirt and sweat from walking all day! Didn’t your mom tell you to clean yourself properly?”

Their squabble was going to last another minute or two, and I used the chance to check the stew once more. Perfectly done, ready to eat.

With a huff, Ash meandered towards the river. I hadn’t noticed if he won the argument, but then it never really mattered between the two. If anything, as I watched Ash vanish around the corner, I could probably imagine the smirk he was wearing. I chuckled to myself; I’d probably have to deal with his nightly gushing for a long while.

“Hey, Brock?”

Misty took a seat next to me, returning her hair to its normal ponytail. Her hands fell to her lap, an uncommon awkwardness plastered on her face.

“What’s up, Misty?”

Her fingers tensed and relaxed over and over as her gaze glued itself to her knees. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth and I felt a strange sense of déjà vu. The sole of her foot bounced up and down, flatting the dirt below it.

“Can I talk to you...about Ash?”

She turned to me with the same reddened cheeks I’d just finished looking at not a minute ago. Same discomfort, same wavering eyes. I almost wanted to fall back in my seat in disbelief, but I settled for a small grin that elicited a curious look from her. Shaking my head I patted the log next to me, turning to face her.

“I’m all ears.”

I guess I wouldn’t just be dealing with Ash’s gushing for a while, either.

I initially wrote this fic just because I wanted to write about the idea of gushing, but then I ended up using it to practice a slight deviation of my writing style. Hope you all enjoyed it!

[sherlocking-out-loud]

after watching the 5th episode I’m confused about the vibes I’m getting from the show (and it’s not about the possible selfcest, though that irks me to no end)

(continues under the cut - spoilers and rambling ahead)

so far we have:

- Loki is confirmed as gender fluid, yet we never see him actually express it

- Sylvie seems to be the only female-born Loki ever!?

- since meeting Sylvie, the protagonist-Loki has learned that he can change, he’s stronger than he thought, he can love and be loved, trust is a good thing

this put together is giving me the impression that the main role of a female Loki is to improve the protagonist-Loki. 

I can’t articulate it properly... this is barely a conscious thought, actually, it’s more of a feeling I got left with at the end of the episode.

i’m not very knowledgeable when it comes to gender and sexuality language (specially in English, which is not my mother tongue), so forgive me if I commit any blunders.

I was born a woman and I identify as such... but my presentation can vary according to my... mood?.. sometimes I feel like getting myself into a dress, high heels, makeup, painted nails, etc and I feel awesome... but (most often) I like to wear jeans, woodies, heavy boots or sneakers, no makeup at all and I find myself moving and sitting in a more masculine way and I feel just as great doing so. I never given much thought about it, it’s just who I am, so I just do whatever I feel like doing. is this gender fluidity? I don’t know... but it makes me think that if I feel like changing and if Loki is gender fluid why doesn’t he?

if Loki is gender fluid shouldn't we get to see some of the Lokis at least switching their presentation/form or see more female presenting Loki’s that chose that form because they prefer it?... and wouldn’t Sylvie, being also a Loki, be also fluid, presenting herself as male sometimes?

then being born as a female wouldn’t matter and wouldn’t be a nexus event because there would be others, maybe not by birth but by choice, but still female?...

or the TVA cares about which reproductive organs one is born with?? 

as I said, I’m mostly confused.

but the only female Loki (so far) being the “thing” that makes the protagonist-Loki into a better version of himself, as a mirror of what Mobius told Loki that was his role regarding the Avengers, it’s something that I can’t stomach.

Loki was always my favorite character (Bucky is a very close second), and I’d hate for this to be the only Marvel show I dislike but if this is where this is going I won’t be watching another season, that’s for sure.

[porkchop-ao3]

A Thrill I’ve Never Known (Chapter 51)

Visiting Hours

Arthur expresses his concern over reader’s sickness (yes I wrote this purely to address an idea that I think I accidentally put in people’s heads last chapter lol), Dutch receives a letter, and Arthur and Sadie go to break John out of prison.

Tagging @emily-strange ❤

(All chapters tagged with #ATINK and also posted on Ao3, username PorkChop)

-

Arthur made it back as everyone was adding the final touches to camp. As soon as he arrived, he carried me over to his tent, laying me down on his bed, insisting that I take it while my leg healed. I couldn't bring myself to decline, laying down on the ground for as long as it would take for my leg to be functional again was about the last thing I wanted to do. Miss Grimshaw told me that it wouldn't be too long before I should start getting up and moving around a little, just to do chores. It would help make sure I had plenty of mobility in my leg once the skin healed, and I certainly wasn't about to argue with that. I was ready to stretch my legs, and it'd only been a few days. 

When I told him I'd been sick, Arthur was concerned. Like Charles, he immediately began checking for signs of an infection, only being slightly relieved when I reassured him that that probably wasn't the cause. He stared at me for a moment, his mouth opening and closing a number of times as he crouched down by the side of the bed, leaning close to me. 

"I feel much better now, it's okay. I just got a little travel sick," I shrugged. He gnawed on his bottom lip. "What's wrong?" I frowned, rolling onto my side to face him properly.

"Are you sure it's travel sickness? You've never been ill when we've moved before," he pointed out. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Sure, but I've never been in pain when travelling before. What else would it be?" I asked.

"I'm just– what about your– could you be–" he stammered, and I stared blankly at him, waiting for him to articulate. "Have you been… bleedin'... normally?" He asked in a very hushed tone, his eyes dropping away from my face with a little discomfort. 

It took me a second to understand what he was asking, immediately thinking about the wound on my leg, which hadn't really bled much at all… It soon clicked, though. 

"Oh, I... I don't think it could be that," I murmured. 

"I just know sickness can sometimes be a sign and we've… are you sure?" He asked. 

"I'm sure," I nodded.

"I don't mean to tell you about your own body, I'm just– when was the last time?" He scratched at his scalp, clearly feeling perturbed by the topic. 

"Currently," I finally told him with a sigh, trying not to feel too embarrassed by it. "It began this morning. Hell, that might've even had something to do with my sickness, sometimes I feel a little off."

"Oh. I see, that's… that's that then," he gave a breathy laugh, perhaps what you'd call relieved. "Do you need anything?"

I shook my head, "I'm fine, thank you. And don't worry about that, I think I'd notice if something was amiss."

"No, of course. I'm being silly," he shook his head. 

"We've been careful, as well," I said, my tone light. He met my eyes again.

"Careful or not, it could still happen, princess," he whispered, reaching out and brushing his palm over my hair. I frowned a little, wondering if he was about to tell me we couldn't be with each other like that anymore. "Don't worry. I'll always look after you, whatever happens. I just want you to be okay, you'll tell me if anything like that happens, won't you?"

"Of course I would," I whispered. He pressed a kiss to my forehead. 

"If you wanna stop all'a that till we're free of this place, we will," he said, and I shook my head before he'd even finished the sentence. He chuckled at that.

"I couldn't, I love you. I want all that, it means so much–" I began, my voice rising high enough for him to gently shush me with an amused smile on his face. 

"Well, I'm glad I ain't the only one," he breathed, leaning in and kissing my temple, my cheek, my neck–

"You want me to draw the curtains?" A very loud, very drunk Karen said as she staggered by. She was clearly making the most of the fresh stock of alcohol Pearson had been out and fetched. Arthur breathed deep and slow as he pulled back, sitting down on his backside and leaning against the crate next to the bed with a content little smile.

"Dutch! There's a letter here– Molly. There's a letter from Miss O'Shea, I thought you should read it," Uncle was calling as he came shuffling into camp. He waved the thing in the air as Dutch got up from his reading spot to meet him half-way. I watched him as he did, his face a hard, creased frown, his moustache almost covering the narrow line of his mouth. 

Everyone seemed to stop and stare, and Dutch didn't notice, or care. He took the letter, peeled the paper open and scanned the page. Everything was far too quiet as his eyes jerked back and forth over the words, his expression unchanging. His hand lifted to idly rub at his moustache. I felt Arthur glance at me only for a moment, before returning to join everyone else in waiting for Dutch's reaction. 

It was a long letter. Either that or he was reading it over and over. My curious side reared up and I was desperate to know what she'd written. 

Eventually, Dutch reanimated, lowering the letter, lifting his eyes to look at everyone. He realised, then, that all of the attention was on him, and he cleared his throat, lifting his chin minutely. "Miss O'Shea… has returned to Ireland," he said slowly, emotionlessly, matter-of-factly.

So, she had gone home. In the end, she'd made her choice. A smile appeared on my lips before I realised, even as Dutch wordlessly turned and strolled back over to his tent, disappearing inside. 

A beat passed, and then everyone began to murmur.

"Shit," Arthur breathed, turning to me. "When did that happen? I hadn't even– it's been such a whirlwind of a few days…" he trailed off. 

"She left while you were away. I thought she might've gone home," I admitted. "She… she and I spoke a little."

"You did?" He seemed surprised by this. 

"She weren't happy. You know that," I said, and Arthur nodded slowly. "I told her she's gotta do what's right for her. And she did," I said with certainty, perhaps a little coldness. 

"Maybe I should go speak to Dutch," he said under his breath, thoughtfully. I opened my mouth to protest, to tell him that Dutch brought it on himself by brushing her off constantly, so he should leave him to wallow. But I softened my words at the last moment. 

"His ego'll be bruised. He probably needs a minute."

"Mm, you're prob'ly right," he mumbled, resting back against the crate. "Still, can't believe she actually went. She was a fool for that man."

"Yeah, but she weren't a fool, full stop. She knows when she ain't appreciated. Much as she didn't wanna accept it in the beginning," I sighed. Arthur hummed quietly in agreement. 

"At least she don't have to deal with any of this anymore," he said. I tilted my head to look at him, then dropped my open hand against the bed, clapping my fingers against my palm until he slotted his own hand there. 

"Hopefully we won't, soon," I whispered. He watched me for a while, his expression unchanging. Then he moved forward, turning my hand and pressing a row of kisses across my knuckles. 

"I love you," he told me softly, then lowered his voice further, "it's about time for me to go. Meetin' Sadie down by the Lannahechee River, we're gonna get John–"

My eyes widened. "Today?" I gasped. 

"Shh, shh, you can't tell no one. Dutch don't know we're going," he moved onto his knees again, hunching over me as if to conceal the noises I made.

"Who's going?"

"Jus' me and Sadie."

"Just two of you?" I squeaked, panic rushed through me and unsettled my stomach again.

"Trust me, it'll be better with just two," he whispered reassuringly, stroking my hair. "Relax, baby, we got it. We're gonna bring John back to his family."

"Oh, please be careful. Make sure you bring yourself back, too," I pleaded, squeezing his hand tight. 

"I promise," he said. I shifted up, sitting upright, and wrapped my arms around him. I squeezed him so tight, focusing on the warm press of his chest against mine, the push as it expanded with his breaths. I never wanted him to leave my sight, I never wanted to feel like I did back when he was in Guarma, unsure if he would ever return to my embrace.

"Please," I whispered, feeling my throat ache with the urge to sob.

"Princess," Arthur cooed, concerned, "it's okay. Come on, you know I'll always do everything I possibly can to come back to you."

"I'm just scared. I'm scared for you! You're going into a–" I caught myself and lowered my voice significantly– "a heavily guarded penitentiary. They're gonna wanna keep you there!"

"We don't plan on makin' a scene. We're gonna grab him while he's out in the fields, there'll be a couple'a guards at most. Trust me, sweetheart."

"I do trust you," I sniffled, pressing my face into his shoulder where his shirt absorbed the few tears that managed to escape me. "It's the people who point their guns at you that I don't."

"I'll be fine. When I come back, maybe we can sit in here and do some more drawing together?"

I was quiet for a moment, then released him, shifting to lean up against the side of the wagon as best I could with my leg stretched out sideways across the bed. "I'm sorry, I'm acting like a child. You ain't gotta promise me a reward if I'm a good girl."

Arthur chuckled quietly, shaking his head. "I didn't mean it like that," he said with a grin, "don't you wanna?"

"Of course!"

"Well then, just look forward to that," he teased, stood up, and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. "You just relax, you ain't been well today. You don't need to be stressin' about me."

"I'll try my best. Now I ain't gonna keep you no more, go and do what you need to do. You better be safe," I said, handing him his hat from where it was sitting atop a storage crate by the bed. He settled it on his head, his eyes on mine. 

"I'll do my best for you, angel," he smiled. "See you real soon."

I nodded and smiled back, not wanting to speak in fear that he'd hear how scared I really was. He turned and left, and I watched him speed over to Jet, who he fed an apple to and gave a quick brush before mounting, and riding out of camp. He disappeared between the trees and I sighed, knocking my head back against the side of the wagon. I decided to stay sitting up, despite the awkward angle my leg was at, because I was sick and tired of laying down. People tended to avoid me like that, perhaps thinking I was sleeping, or unfit for visitors. At least sitting upright made me feel a little less like an outsider to the camp, just a patient, waiting to recover. 

The camp was quiet now that everyone had settled in and found their place in the new location. Jack and Tilly were playing with the dominoes (whether an actual game of dominoes was going on, I couldn't be sure). Mary-Beth and Susan were trying to get Karen to stay put on her bedroll, she’d thrown up twice since arriving, the mix of beer and whiskey not settling right in her stomach after all the stress. At least I wasn't the only one to have christened the new spot with my stomach contents… Micah was loitering around outside Dutch’s tent (which was still closed off, concealing him from the rest of us), and Bill and Uncle were sitting at the table nearby. Everyone else was dotted around doing little jobs or guarding the camp. I wasn't sure where Charles was, but he’d set out on Taima not long after we’d arrived. 

I slumped in my seat, not really sure what to do with myself. 

“You feelin’ any better?” Lenny appeared by the side of the tent, coming around from the back with a bundle of books in his hands. I smiled at him widely, glad to see him again. 

“Much. Thanks for sitting with me on the way over. That was real kind of you, and you made the journey much better,” I told him, and he shook his head with a smile.

“No problem. I got you some books, I don't know how much of a reader you are. There’s a couple of mine, but I asked Mary-Beth too, thought she’d have some of a little more interest to you,” he said, and I was touched once again by the kindness of those around me. 

“Oh, Lenny. Thank you,” I beamed, taking the books from his outstretched hands.

“Well, I know how it feels to be laid up with a bad leg, remember?” He gave me a little smirk and I nodded. I glanced at his ankle.

“How’d that heal up, by the way?”

“Fine, I can barely tell it even happened,” he informed me, much to my happiness.

“Oh, good, I hope Maggie made amends,” I laughed.

“Oh, sure, she’s been real good. Ain’t even tried stealin’ apples from Pearson’s wagon once since then,” he snorted, “anyway, I better go take over from Javier. Hope those books give you a little entertainment.”

“Alright, thanks again, Lenny,” I gave him a little wave as he headed off.

“No worries,” he called back.

I looked down at the pile of books and began sifting through them, reading the titles. Nothing grabbed me until I came across a pale purple book with golden words on the cover, and I stopped to tilt the thing back and forth to admire the way it caught the light. How pretty! The Castle in the Field of Lavender, it was titled. I put the other books aside, and flicked my chosen one open to the first page.

-

It was definitely one of Mary-Beth’s books. Well, it could have been Lenny’s, but I just couldn't see him reading about the beautiful, French, enigmatic Mademoiselle la Comtesse and her love affair with Pierre, the Duc of La Mochelle. I couldn't put the damn thing down. I was engrossed, turning page after page all afternoon, for hours, making it over half-way through the book in one sitting. It was undoubtedly the most entertaining book I’d ever read.

I was so engaged with it that I didn’t even hear Susan approach. I just winced when light suddenly hit my eyes, and then I realised that it had become dark, the sun almost completely set! Susan placed a newly-lit lamp down on the crate next to me. 

“If you’re gonna keep reading, you’d best have some light. You’ll strain your eyes reading in the dark,” she said.

“Thanks,” I smiled, watching as she peered at the cover of the book, seeing what I was reading.

“Must be a good book.”

“It’s absolutely dreadful,” I told her bluntly, “but it sure is entertaining.”

“How’d you mean?” She seemed puzzled, frowning at me and cocking her head.

“Well, Mademoiselle la Comtesse’s horse, which is the colour of a French horse, just whinnied Frenchly,” I explained, and Susan chuckled, shaking her head.

“That’s one of Mary-Beth’s,” she nodded in understanding, “now d’you see why I get so irritated with her reading those things instead of doing her chores? Filling her head with nonsense. I hope I ain’t gotta worry about you, now, as well.”

“It’s harmless,” I grinned.

“If you say so,” she shook her head, tutted, and wandered off. 

I giggled to myself, glancing down to find my place on the page, though I was soon distracted by the sound of hoof beats at the edge of camp. My heart pounded when I saw two horses galloping in, the first of which carrying Sadie, and behind her, John. He was dressed in a striped jumpsuit, fresh from the penitentiary. Arthur was close behind them, the orange glow emanating from the camp catching on the sweat on the high planes of his face. A burst of energy crackled down every limb, my heart jumping, something close to joy erupting in my chest at the sight of them all. John: home at last, returning to Abigail and Jack. Arthur and Sadie: both safe and sound and able to pat themselves on the back for pulling off what might seem like the impossible. 

I was so happy, I swung my leg over to rise up to my feet, collapsing straight back down with a hiss of pain when I was reminded of the state of my leg. 

"Fuck," I growled to myself, my hand going to the dressing, fingers wanting to claw into my leg as if that would make it better when it obviously wouldn't. I felt a little embarrassed, and gingerly scooted back onto the bed with a quiet whimper, pressing my lips together. Luckily no one saw my stupidity. 

I sat back and watched as the three of them dismounted, and Abigail rushed over to give John a hug. He caught sight of me from over her shoulder, and I flashed him a big, welcoming smile, which he returned. It fell, though, when Dutch reappeared from his tent at the sound of all the commotion.

"John, what are you doing here?" He shouted across the camp, closing the gap between them.

"It's good to see you too, partner," John replied with a bite to his tone I was surprised to hear directed at Dutch. Arthur strolled closer to them, and he, John and Abigail faced Dutch – flanked by Micah – like they weren't a gang of friends. Like they were against each other. My eyes widened and my ears strained to hear what they were saying, but I couldn't. Only when someone raised their voice or used a sharpened tone did I catch it.

Dutch was talking, his brow furrowed in anger.

"Yeah, I know what you said," I caught part of Arthur's response, his tone irritated and, frankly, tired. 

Dutch didn't like whatever Arthur was telling him, he spoke in a low voice, gesturing to himself and then I heard; "what then, Arthur?

"I guess we'll have another fight on our hands," Arthur's response was gravelly and pissed off. I began to sweat. This wasn't what I expected to happen when John was finally home. I thought Dutch would be at least a little happy to see him, alive and no longer threatened with the noose!

"I had a goddamn plan!" Dutch yelled. Then he addressed John.

"They was talking of hanging me, Dutch–"

"They was talking… and now they may come and hang us all!" Were Dutch's final, dramatic words before he retreated with a swagger to his steps like he was far more intimidating than he actually looked. Micah shook his head like a disapproving elderly and trotted away behind Dutch, his lips practically puckered at the man's behind. I was surprised he didn't have a snarky comment.

Abigail, with a face that was likely potent enough to kill, tugged John by the arm away into their shared tent, shutting the world out behind them. Arthur lingered in his spot for a moment, watching Dutch disappear inside his tent once more, his jaw set solid and tense, likely doing his teeth no good. I called out his name, and he looked over at me, his expression loosening just a bit. There was a pause, he glanced around at the others in camp who were only just beginning to stop staring in shock, then he was approaching me. 

He freed the curtains around the tent, letting them drop closed around us, shutting off our private little space. His back was to me, and I could see his shoulders expanding quickly with heavy, shaky breaths. His fists were clenched tight. He was practically shaking. 

"Arthur," I whispered softly. He didn't respond, and I heard him trying to steady his breath. I gave him time.

"Sadie and I risk our necks to save one of our own, and that's the thanks we get?" He said under his breath, tone gruff. "Marston gets back after being gone weeks, locked up and facing death, and this is his welcome home party?" His voice raised a little. 

I kept my mouth shut, knowing that he was completely justified in his anger, and not wanting to make things worse by spitting poison about the man who'd caused it. 

"I just–" Arthur spun around to look at me– "he ain't who I believed him to be all those years. The Dutch I know ain't like this. He's always spoutin' off about loyalty, but it seems that only matters when it's his ass that's bein' kissed! Damn the rest of us."

"I know," I whispered in a small voice. Arthur sighed loudly and gave his head a sharp shake. 

"If it was up to him, I'd still be swinging upside-down in the O'Driscolls' den, and John'd be swinging from his goddamn neck," he muttered, then stormed over to sit down on the edge of the bed. I sat up and rubbed his shoulder. "How can he call us family? How can he look John in the eye, tell him he's his brother? His son?" He scoffed, lip curling in disgust. 

I kneaded his shoulders with my fingertips.

"I jus' don't understand," his final words were defeated. Sad, more than angry. I leaned forwards, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to his temple. 

"Perhaps in the morning he'll have changed his tune," I suggested, nestling my cheek against his. 

"Mm," he grunted disinterestedly. 

"Thank you for rescuing John. He saved my life, he's the very reason I have you in my life. It's so good to see him reunited with his family. If Dutch don't appreciate it, who cares? You did the right thing, and that's what's important," I told him. His hand raised to stroke my forearms. 

"Yeah, I s'pose that's right," he mumbled. 

"Don't think about Dutch. You can't change the way he acts, so just focus on the people who ain't questioning you, who know why you do what you do."

He took my hand, interlaced our fingers and lifted the back of my hand to his mouth to press a sweet kiss there. He hummed softly with a sigh, then tilted his head to look at me from the corner of his eye.

"You're good at that," he said, and when I looked at him blankly, he elaborated, "at calmin' me down."

I didn't say anything, I just kissed his cheek. 

"How're you feeling now?" He asked. 

"I'm feeling fine, now you're back. Spent the evening reading one of Mary-Beth's books," I told him, lifting it up and showing him the cover. The corner of his lip curled up. 

"One o' them romances? Hope this ain't giving you unrealistic expectations of me," he teased. 

"Not in the slightest," I snorted, dropping the book down on the bed. 

"Knock, knock," a husky voice came from outside the tent, and I smiled at the sound of John's voice, even happier than I thought I'd be to hear it again. 

"Come on in," I called out, detangling myself from Arthur and leaning back on the pillow. "It's good to see you," I grinned at him when he slipped inside.

"Glad someone is," he laughed darkly in response, then gestured to my leg, "Abigail told me 'bout what happened to you. Sounded pretty nasty."

"Well, it weren't no fun," I snorted, "but I'm getting there. I'll just be glad when I can get out of camp for a little fresh air."

"How is it? You in a lot of pain?" He asked me with a small wince on his face. Arthur glanced over his shoulder for my response. 

"A bit," I shrugged slightly. It was more than a bit, but there was no point in making everyone feel bad for me.

"Well, I guess you've got an excuse to drink a lot of whiskey," he laughed, trying to find a silver lining I suppose. I laughed, but I struggled to pour much genuine humour into it. "I uh, I know these last few weeks ain't been easy on all'a you. Abigail said you was real good to her while I was away. Thanks for being there for her."

"She did the same for me," I told him.

"Yeah?" He smiled, then glanced at Arthur with a playful gleam in his eye, "well, ain't that nice, Arthur? The wives're getting along."

Arthur breathed a quiet laugh, hanging his head between his shoulders and idly scratching at his wrist. I rolled my eyes in amusement.

"Anyway, how was it in prison?" I asked him. He grunted.

"About what you'd expect. Pretty awful. But hey, ain't had such a solid roof over my head for so long in a while, so I guess you could say it was uh, a bit of a novelty. Wore off pretty quick, though," he explained, pushing a smile onto his face that didn't strike me as genuine. 

"You were in there for what, a month at least?" I noted, and he looked down at his shuffling feet. 

"Yeah, I guess it weren't all that long. Least I was dry, and in the country. Just about, anyway," he laughed, meeting Arthur's eyes. 

"A month is a long time," I disagreed. "Anyway, I'm just glad to have you back. Now we're all together again, things'll get easier, I'm sure."

"I sure hope so. I don't know what Dutch's grand plan is, but I'm about ready to hear it."

"Ain't we all?" Arthur muttered. 

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Matchup ♥

Heyo!! Hope you are all doing well! and I HOPE YOURE TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELVES ♡︎ 

Heyooo! I would like to request matchups for Inuyasha, Fairytail, and Fire Force, please!♡´･ᴗ･`♡

I am a heterosexual female!

I’m a Leo, and a combination of ENFP/ENTP (if that helps with characterization), but I’m becoming more ambivert as the days go by. But I still act like a crackhead (making up new words, making random sound effects out of boredom and roasting people playfully, having airhead moments, for examples) and a lot of people irl do get put off at how “obnoxious” I can get, but I do know when to “flip the switch” and become serious/quiet.

I have really low standards for humor idk I laugh at my own jokes it’s honestly astounding, but cursed memes/images are somethin else💀 Dark jokes are always open in my ally👀

Ironically, I canNOT stand horror, I will legit be so paranoid or freaked out and start overthinking and just cry and DIE—

I’m very open, almost TOO open, but ask me literally anything and I’ll usually tell everyone my honest opinions/thoughts, but I know how to deliver words tactfully and articulately. Debating, (public) speaking, writing, and understanding concepts are my strong suits; likewise I suck ass at math (I have no idea how tf I passed my Calc ap exams, I just— 😭)

Speaking of writing, I write poems whenever I feel like it, I have a whole collection HAH. My love of expressing comes from my tendency to play the devil’s advocate in interpreting and arguing for almost all perspectives in topics. So you can probably guess how I don’t get offended really easily and welcome both playful and serious banter (despite the crackhead persona, I’m very observant of people and their values expressed and how they tick, so I know when to back off especially when they get uncomfortable with my aggressive debating/personality). Need advice? I can use what I’ve gathered from different people and help anyone in their particular situations.

I know I can be overwhelming to alot of people at first impressions and I CAN get very passionate when talking about many things that might scare the hell out of people, but if they tell me to tone it down, I’ll gladly do so; again, I’ll honestly notice if they’re not comfy with it/are overwhelmed based on body language and even from the way they text…. super intuition or something?

And speaking of expression, I love fashion and makeup! I love being able to express myself through use of presentation and have fun while doing it! hehe (k-fashion, asian beauty 👀) HELL YEAH I’M DOWN FOR SHOPPING—

I like to dance yeehaw, and I was on a competitive dance team (well that was before when the corona hit the milly rock a little TOO hard and put all the dancers out of commission😔🤝😭) I’ve also been in my own highschool’s dance club for 4 years!!

I’m a console gamer :0 Big fan of winding down with video games, but books are the best if games aren’t an option.

Music is a huge part of my life; I played the flute and the viola for years before and been surrounded by music through dancing as well; while I’ve been in a choir before, my vocals aren’t stellar oof, but at least I’m not tone-deaf.

Can’t cook to save a life ooooof, that’s where my airheadness REALLY kicks in. I literally burn myself making instant :>

I’m not phased by sexual innuendos/conversations/kinks because I see them objectively as unique characteristics of every person, but I’ll crack up at a sex joke or a cringe flirt line with friends. And like I’ve said, I’ll share them myself without objection if ANYONE asks. But the moment someone actually TRIES to make a move on me (like what!!¡¿), I’ll first play it casual but then bolt for the door because it’s hard for me to actually imagine that ANY guy would see me in a romantic light LOL but i’d get used to the advances quick and if it’s someone i liked back, i’d tease them the same or raise up the antics ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

Hello and thank you for submitting with us! I hope that you are also taking good care of yourself as well, and I also sincerely hope that you like who I match you up with!

I’m sorry this is so late!

>Admin 𝕋

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

𝐼 𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽…

I ship you with the sweet Arthur! I feel as though with your energetic personality and his somewhat energetic yet dimwitted personality could really mesh well! If your humor is everywhere and lowbrow, then you should see Arthur’s! Your and his sense of humor are quite alike, and you both can definitely laugh at the weirdest things, but it’s cute! He will think you are cute because of it! And Arthur, he is open minded too, he is a very accepting person, and he would be very accepting of you and your quirks! And he will also be impressed that you can be so articulate, unlike him lolol. 

He will think it is so cool that you write poetry for fun, and how you love expressing yourself through the arts. He may not fully understand the extent of your content, but he will understand that they are very important to you, and will cherish them too! Arthur will love the fact that you are so intuitive and observant of people, because well, he isn’t. That’s why he think you are so cool, because he wouldn’t be able to pick up on those types of cues! He will also be so impressed with your fashion and how you express yourself through clothes! Arthur will definitely like if you wear medieval inspired clothing! A queen for his king!

He will think being in a dance group would be so cool! He himself can’t dance to save his life, but he would love for you to teach him, so that he can get good enough for you to dance with him! Arthur will also love the fact that you love games! He loves playing them, and would like to play with you! He would show off his favorite video games to you! 

You’d tell him that music is important to you, and how you play the flute, and he’d definitely relate it to the medieval times in some way, and would want to hear you play something from that time. And when you do, he would find it amazing, impressed with how well you play!

All in all, with his own airheadedness and bravery, Arthur would be such a good fit for you! He is kind, and warm, and someone that you can rely on when you need someone to lean on! He will be impressed with everything you can do that he can’t! Arthur will treasure you as his Queen!

I choose manly and chivalrous Koga as your Inuyasha boyfriend! I know this might seem like a good pair, but when I was reading through your description the first person that came to mind was Koga. He is someone that can be super serious in one second and super lighthearted in the next! He will see your airheadedness as something that is cute and charming, but he will also appreciate the fact that you are super observant and have great intuition! He would love for someone like that to be his wolf tribe leader wife! He would love to use your power to help the tribe communicate better! He will see it as a very beneficial characteristic and will be quite impressed!

Koga wouldn’t understand the notion of poetry, or reading, or writing, but when you explain to him, he will then think that it is pretty cool. Something that he wouldn’t actively pursue, but he will see that it is something that you very much enjoy and will do anything in his power to make sure that you have the tools you need so that you can properly be artistic! He will also see that your artistic expression also goes to your clothes and makeup and would be very impressed with the fact that you work it so well! He would comment saying that he could never look that good in makeup, saying you are the most beautiful he has ever seen in it, you just do it so well!

I believe that once Koga founds out that you dance and play flute, he will get super happy. Seeing as he the leader of a big demon tribe, he will have the need for entertainment in his down time, and guess what! You’re the entertainment, but in a good way! He will want to listen to you play the flute, and see what kind of melodies you play! Later on, he will have someone else who can play, so he can dance and teach you traditional demon wolf tribe dances!

All in all, Koga is more serious and calm, but with your loud energy and kind-hearted soul, he will just be sucked in by it. You will be the one to show him how to really have a good time, and you will be able to show him that sometimes you just need to take a breather and forget about the difficulties in life, especially when you are a demon leader!

I chose the loud and energetic Natsu of Fairy Tail to be your boyfriend! Seeing as you are super energetic and he is super energetic and loud, you guys would be the perfect pair! Natsu will see that you are so boisterous and can’t stay in the same place for a long time, because he is the same. So he will feel a sense of bonding! When it comes to you being serious and quiet, and knowing when to be, he will think it is really cool of you, only because he doesn’t have a filter, and doesn’t know when to shut up, so maybe you can teach him a few tricks! 

When he sees how open you are, he will feel happy about that! He has been in dark times, and so have many of his friends, so when he knows that you are accepting of any type of person, he will love that, and would feel comfortable introducing you to his friends! Natsu will also be surprised yet impressed with the fact that you are so observant. He is only really observant when it comes to battle, and not really when it comes to people in everyday settings, so when you show him what you can do, he will have a shocked expression the entire time! He will also love the fact that on the other end of the spectrum you can be very loud and passionate!

When he sees you are very artistic with poetry, writing, and reading, and even with your makeup and fashion, it would show him that you aren’t afraid to express yourself and be yourself, and he would absolutely love that! He will want to see the things you write, and the things you read, and the things that make you you, so he can get a better understanding of you! And when it comes to the dancing and the music, and the fact that you can play the flute, he would be impressed and hella jealous that you can do such amazing things! He would definitely ask you teach him in the future!

All in all, I think that he would be a very loving and very accepting boyfriend for you! He will take you on all of his adventures and tell you all of his secrets, and treat you like treasure, like you deserve to be treated!

[zombriekid]

Moments in the Fall: An Iota of Respect [Alucard/Gender Neutral Reader]

Series: Hellsing

Summary: request “where murray earns a little of alucard's respect or when the reader is wounded, the bleeding wont stop and they use a nearby house on fire to heat their knife and cauterize it.” from alucard’s perspective again, y’all

Warning: some mentions of death and gore

The battlefield belongs to the warriors; a playground that bears witness to a dance as old as man, it reeks of rotten flesh and congealed fat and curdled gore as a disgustingly sweet perfume that stains the very earth. The spectators are the players, though no one ever genuinely leaves the terrain a champion- you either lose with the taste of blood in your teeth or your victory is infected by the weight of the lives that you’ve cut short. Because battle, be it hundreds of years ago or the here and now, is an immutable game, and gutless weak faint-hearts have no business acting as contenders.

This is a fact that Alucard knows intimately, something that he figured out a long time ago back when death was still a reality for him, and it’s the very reason that he looks upon you now with the utmost disdain.

You, a powerless, feeble human; you, the residential “medium”; you, who wears the familiarity of a future lost to him. A “monster hunter” is what everyone calls you, yet here he stands as a jury to your incompetence because you don’t belong here.

Bleeding out from a hunk of shrapnel lodged in your side. Crumpled on the floor, skin clammy, and whimpering like an injured dog.

Pathetic, he thinks to himself before he turns away. Maybe he’ll radio in some assistance for you- if he can even be bothered to “remember” after dealing with the target because who will think twice of you dying out on the field anyways? Certainly not him. And certainly not sir Integra. His boots meet the ground a mere pace or two from you before you pitifully whine his name.

“M-mister Alucard, I n-need your help.”

Oh... of all of the languages he’s fluent and yet none of them can properly articulate how much he hates you.

He takes another step forward with the full intent of ignoring your plea because the battlefield is no place for the meek, and if it’s meant to claim you as yet another victim then so be it because, again, you do not belong here. But then the sound of shredding and snapping cotton fibers grazes his ears and he promptly stops in his path.

When he turns to see what you’re doing he immediately notices a portion of your shirt is missing- the portion that’s dyed red, and how the scrap of fabric clutched in your left grip matches in color and material. He watches on as you drape the piece of your shoulder, pop open the pouch on your hip, and retract a small, rectangular object made from metal from within. A lighter.

“I need to... to stop the bleeding,” you moan between grit teeth, “and I d-don’t have the... christ- I can’t stitch it up!”

Then your blood encrusted fingers wrap around the knife’s hilt strapped on to your thigh and you wrench it from its sheath.

“So I’m- ugh, I’m asking you to remove the shrapnel for me. I’d do it myself but-” you flip open the lid of the lighter “-I g-gotta cauterize the wound, and I can’t do both.”

Because, he repeats yet again within the confines of his head, you. do. not. BELONG. HERE. Except... you do. It’s in the harsh, deep lines that wrecks the skin of your brow, the way your lips peel so far back over your teeth that it nearly rips your cheeks open. It’s an expression that he knows, that he remembers dressing in back when he was made of flesh and blood. The look of a warrior who’s defying death with a sneer. The plumes of rasping, gasping breath being wrenched from your aching lungs aren’t the whimpers of defeat because before his very eyes you’re carving your foothold on the battlefield.

“If nothing else... heh, if nothing else, this is gonna hurt like a mo-mother fucker and you’ll be part of that.” You say with the faintest hint of a smile, not for a lack of trying either. You’re honestly attempting to make light of the situation.

Maybe, Alucard considers as you thumb at the lighter’s spinning switch, you’ve had a place here already.

His feet move of their own accord until he’s standing before you and his fingers curl around the jagged edges of the shrapnel, either actions his brain isn’t entirely aware of, not even when he’s this close to you.

The revenant. The living reminder. Their descendant.

“Try not to faint from this.”

Before you bite down around the shred of fabric, you flash him a quick- albeit weak- grin and promise him nothing.

What follows are muffled, agonized shrieks and the odor of cooking pork.

_______________________________________________________________________

a/u: so this takes place earlier in the series, some time after the proverbial olive branch and power. eventually i’ll compile a proper chronological list of these pieces to help any newcomers to the series. but anyways thank you guys so much for your continued patience with me, and if you liked this bit then please show it some love through likes, reblogs, comments, and/or criticisms! 

[yellow-beacon]

Making Love Out of Nothing at All

A/n:  Just to be clear, this is not a y/n fic because I seriously can't write in "you" form (or whatever you call it) to save my life. Oc/Reader is a woman in her mid 20s living in Europe, working as a Barista. She is nameless, without any clear info about her or her personality. Here’s a link  if you want to read this on AO3 instead.

Pairing: Hongjoong/ Reader 

Genre: Porn with Plot, Angst, Hurt/comfort

Words: 12,759

Summary: This is just porn with angsty fucking plot. I supply wetness in your eyes and wetness in your pants. Reader is a barista who happens to meet someone she recognize just before closing up, is it fate? Probably not. Is it going to be happy ending? Probably not. I can't write summaries for shits but give it a shot, you're gonna love it ok, uwu

It'd been a quiet day with rain pondering down since lunch. The few patrons that were in the shop shuddered slightly from the sudden cold spring weather. They were scattered with a fair distance between them, as people often sat at cafes. I was cleaning the espresso machine and the working bench underneath, looking up from time to time to scan the perimeter of the cafe and making sure to be at close hand if someone needed something. A man standing outside in the pouring rain caught my glance. He was probably in his thirties and holding a big fancy camera, pointing it towards the cafe. I guessed that he was just a tourist that wanted to take a photo for future memories. I smiled for myself and went back to my cleaning. Looking back up 10 seconds or so later and the man was still there, taking photo after photo. A sudden rush of discomfort washed over me. My face was probably in all those photos and I just got the feeling that he was up to no good. A phone call seemed to interrupt his snapping and he hurried off quickly. I exhaled, maybe it was just me being paranoid. Time moved quickly, I was closing, finishing the last touches of cleaning when the last patron waved goodbye, “Thank you, bye” I yelled and waved back, hoping that she’d been the last one for today. I didn’t really have the time to help another patron. Another 5 minutes passed, and I was just about to go back to the office and get the keys when the doorbell emitted a soft clang as someone entered the door. A man, just slightly taller than I entered. He had a mysterious, almost cocky feeling about him, dressed in ripped washed outs, a grey trench coat and a black cap covered his eyes. A face mask covered the lower part of his face as well and I couldn’t see him properly until he was standing in front of me at the other side of the desk. I inhaled sharply when I recognized the chocolate browns that met mine. My stomach jumped and I gripped onto the desk hard, to secure my footing, an embarrassing gesture but I couldn’t care less at that moment. “Hi” He said, as confidently as he could, but the accent still broke through. I gulped, not really trusting my own voice just yet. There was a pause for only a few seconds, and the man pulled down the face mask down his chin revealing a cute button nose and lips that were pulled in an uncertain smile, “You know me?” he asked, a bit hesitant with my lack of reaction. I bit my lip and cleared my throat, feeling how my face heated up, suddenly self-conscious of my looks. The 9 hours of sweating, messy hair, smeared makeup, syrup on my hands and underarms and with coffee powder covering my body like a sheen layer didn’t do me justice. Because the man was someone I'd only met in my dreams, a man I admired, looked up to and loved, and my heart skipped before I opened my mouth, “Yes, I know you. You are Hongjoong” he gave me a relieved look. I looked around; I couldn’t understand that he was there. I’d entered some fan competitions lately, but I think I'd remembered if the prize would’ve been a private meeting. Was there a hidden camera? I looked over at the door, prepared for my friends to run in, laughing. I asked him about my suspicions and while he laughed, my heart pounded. I bit my lip, nervous that I’d made a bad first impression for making assumptions while he waved his hands in front of him. “No no, no camera, no prize, Just me. I need… to see you” It seemed like even though it took him a moment to articulate the words, he understood what I said. He let out a small noise of frustration, “How should I… are you Yeodonseang or Noona?” I felt my heart skip, and my face flushed, “Noona” I answered and Hongjoong nodded slowly, biting softly on his lower lip, seemingly lost in thought for a moment and my still confused heart was racing. I blurted out before I could stop myself, “What are you doing here?” I swallowed, hoping that I didn’t offend him with my straightforwardness. He didn’t mind but also didn’t seem to understand exactly what I was asking, “I had concert yesterday. Today we have… free time” I nodded and pressed on, “But what are you doing here?” emphasizing the “here” He opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted when the bell above the door rang, marking that someone entered. Hongjoong froze and quickly pulled the mask over his mouth again. He didn’t have to worry though, a big man in his fifties looked over at us and I yelled out a small, “Sorry, we’re closed” “Doesn’t look like it” He scoffed under a big moustache, eyes squinting and beer belly peeking out from underneath the shirt he was wearing. “I was just about to get the key” I lied, gave Hongjoong a glance which he returned, eyes peeking up from underneath the fringe, the twinkle in them made me breathless and I turned on my heel quickly. I took the chance to change into my civil clothes when I walked past the changing room. Taking a moment to remove the makeup under my eyes with a paper towel and wash my hands. A pair of ripped blacks hugged my legs and I thanked my lucky star for deciding to wear an Ateez band shirt before I grabbed my bag and jeans jacket as well. I grabbed the key in the office, my heart was doing somersaults and I took a deep breath before walking back in. The man was gone but Hongjoong wasn’t. The locks from his mullet peeked out from underneath the cap, resting on the collar of the coat as he was standing with his back toward me, watching the rain outside, protected from curious eyes by the one-way shaded windows. “I’m just going to…” I trailed off and walked to the door, locked it and then turned around to see him smiling at me. He motioned with his hand at my shirt. “You are Atiny, I know... I” he fought to find the right words while I killed the main lights, setting a dim and cosy atmosphere. I motioned for him to join me on the sofa in the far back where we would be basically invisible to the people outside. He removed his cap, running his fingers through the long hair, “I saw you yesterday, driving past us in the city. You like loud music, I heard “Say my name” You were singing, dancing, rapping” He wiggled his shoulders, a playful smile on his lips. I bit the insides of my cheeks, ashamed that I both, were so lost in my mind that I'd totally missed them, and that Hongjoong had seen my awkward dance moves because God knows I couldn’t dance at all. A sound of regret exited from my lips and I hid my face in my hands as my face flushed an even deeper red than before. “No no, you very cute, don’t hide” The playful smile turned into one with warmth, “So, I want to... talk” “Talk?” I asked, getting increasingly more confused where things were going to go. He ran his fingers through his hair, an awkward expression on his face and he wet his lips, “I want to meet you, not only see you. Want to hear your voice, make you laugh” I couldn’t help but stare, still in disbelief that he was sitting there in front of me, and now talking about how much he wanted to see me that my heart jumped, my breath choked and the ends of my ears matched the colour in my face. He played with the ends of his hair, almost shyly and with the same look of disbelief in his eyes that were in mine. Like I was the famous idol he’d been longing for. “You are very beautiful. My heart…” His voice had dropped an octave, from embarrassment of not being able to explain how he felt. He drummed softly on his chest in the rhythm of fast heartbeats and I wanted to hide my face in my hands again, “You seem so happy, listening to us. I've had dream, all day, planning how... I could meet you. I needed to be… careful. My members... didn’t want me to but… I had to” My heart was beating fast in my chest. If he’d been anyone else, a normal everyday human, I’d run as fast as my legs would take me. But Hongjoong wasn’t just an everyday person and even though he was from a smaller company, still fresh from debut, he couldn’t risk being seen like we were right now. Therefor the silent stalking and planning. The whole situation was still so unreal, and I pinched my thigh to make sure that I hadn’t fainted on work and this was all just a dream. It hurt, my brows furrowed from the pain and I played it off like confusion. The whole situation seemed so random. Thinking back, I couldn’t even remember a situation yesterday where they could’ve hidden out of my sight, and the fact that only a minute top had been enough for him to want to see me again made butterflies explode in my stomach. “How did you find me?” I asked, curious. “My manager” he answered, almost proud of his accomplishment of finding me, a smile on his lips again and I remembered the man that had taken photos of what I'd thought was the cafe earlier. Seemed like my gut was right about that one. Hongjoong rested his face on his clasped knuckles and watched me like I hung the moon and all the stars. I’d gotten an explanation, but I was still as confused as ever. I know I looked good with a face of make-up and body in certain angles, but I was all and all just an average girl, with average looks, average weight, height, living an average life… And he was, well, Hongjoong. What else could I say? He looked amazing, from the tousled mane of hair, to the challenging twinkle in the brown of his eyes, the pink tinted lips. I didn’t even need to get started on his body. He had that casual feeling of just throwing something on and look amazing, his clothes slim and form fitting, giving me a nice view of how well he was built. I suddenly got conscious of my own body as his seemed to not have one ounce of fat. I bit my lip and averted my eyes, suddenly shy. Still finding the whole situation bizarre, the man I'd been daydreaming about since their debut last year was just sitting there, watching me with a small smile on his lips. I finally found the courage to ask what I'd been wondering since he introduced himself. “Why me?” “Ah, Jagi” He sighed, overdramatically, like I was insane for ever questioning it, “Why not?” My mouth clamped shut. I didn’t have an answer for that. I couldn’t really argue when I didn’t know how I looked in his eyes. I must've worn a surprised expression because he half whispered, half chuckled "Cute" in Korean and before I realized what had happened, he took my hands in his across the table. The feeling of electricity ran through my body and my mind paused to process what was happening before it screamed at me to let him go, that I shouldn't touch him. His breath hitched, it was subtle, but I noticed and wondered if he felt the same feeling. I tried to let him go but he kept me there, comforting but firm, locking his gaze with mine and I could feel myself melting. “I… know how you feel. I’m idol… but I’m human, like you, ok? 10 fingers, like you…” He rubbed the palms of my hands with his thumbs, tracing across my fingers with his “A beating heart, like yours” He pulled me closer, across the table and pressed my open hand over his heart. It was beating fast, possibly even faster than mine. “Why you Jagi? Why not the girl I saw on our concert, she was cute too. Singing, dancing, rapping, like you…” He paused and gulped, eyes flickering from my eyes to lips since I got significantly closer from him pulling me over the table. “You are… special, you are something else… Noona” He breathed out the last word, face flushing and let his tongue flicked out, licking his lower lip before softly biting down on it, a shaky breath leaving his mouth. The warm, playful feeling that we’d had going on was blown away and I felt something else resonating in me. I’d never had an age kink, especially not on guys younger than me, but the way Hongjoong looked at me with the same intense look a predator had watching its prey, lit a flame in my body and I felt how my pulse picked up. The primal feeling of want and lust drenched me like a cold shower, the hair on my neck standing. He bit his tongue and gave me a look that reminded me of how he’d look at stage. He could feel what I felt, and he knew, was so sure of his charisma that it made him cocky. This was dangerous, the air around us suffocated me, his whole being had changed instantly and I didn’t yet know if I was nervous or excited. My tongue darted out to wet my lips and his fingers found their way to my face, stroking softly down my cheekbone with his fingertips, butterfly light over my throat to my neck where he stopped to grab a handful of hair. I choked out a moan and he chuckled breathlessly. “So sensitive. Good girl” He praised and guided my hand to his chest again, pressing it there for me to feel his racing heart again, encouraging me to come closer. “Not here, come” I said, and he followed in my steps as I guided us to the office in the back. I turned around with my back against the edge of the writing desk, the sight of him taking off his coat and throwing it to the side, running a hand through his hair and biting his lower lip, undressing me with his eyes already, made my knees weak. He slammed the door behind him close, hard enough to make the walls rattle and I clenched the edge of the desk behind me, thrilled and nervous. The light in the ceiling remained turned off, the only light in the room came from the window behind me, where natural soft light flowed in. He caught me in his arms and lift me up on the desk, separating my legs by standing between them. His forwardness made it hard to breathe and I gasped when he held onto me, the feeling of his skin against mine, made me shudder. How many times hadn’t I dreamed about this moment? For us to get lost in one another, devastated and ravaged until we couldn’t think. How many times hadn’t I fantasized about feeling like I did right now when his mouth placed butterfly kisses on my throat, his hands on my hips and mine pulling on his hair, my eyes towards the ceiling and my arousal already burning in my core. “Ah, Noona” He moaned in my ear and I gasped, placing my hands around his waist, urging him to come closer. He placed a hand on my chest, pushing on me to lay down and I inhaled sharply at the weight of him on my body, his lean figure pressing on me. I could feel how the muscles in his abdomen clenched to keep him up and make sure that I had breathing room. The picture I had of him changed in an instant. Hongjoong was strong, the parts of him that wasn’t lean was pure muscles and I shuddered. Both because the very apparent boner that poked against me and the realization that if he wanted to, he could do whatever he wanted to me, my own strength not even comparable. My legs rubbed against the sides of his hips wantonly and I pushed him forward with them slightly, grinding slowly. He realized, paused and locked gazes with me, suddenly shy that I could feel all of him. My stomach flipped and I feared that my neediness scared him, but I realized quickly that it wasn’t the case. The chocolate brown that previously had shined with cocky mischief and warm affection were now almost blown out. The black of his pupil had swallowed almost all. The tension between us could be cut by a butter knife and I gulped. The sound of it loud in the dead silent room. My heart was beating in my ears so loud that I was sure Hongjoong could hear it as well. “I’ve been waiting… to have you like this...” He brushed his hand over my cheek, and I leaned into his touch which earned me a small smile. “How did you know that this would happen?” I asked and he chuckled. “I hoped that you want me. We are 8. I’m lucky” I placed my arms around his neck, fingers playing with the long hair in the back, pulling on it softly, scraping my nails down his neck. He shivered involuntarily and I exhaled a smile, he was so sensitive to my touch. He was just about to dip down to place more kisses underneath my cheekbone again when the melody of a phone call made us both jump. He gave me a longing gaze that begged for forgiveness when he realized it was his that rang and took a step back away from my body. I immediately felt the loss of warmth and curled up on myself, sulky while he answered the call. I tried to not check him out but damn, he was making it hard for me, strutting around in those military boots, a clear dent in his pants still. My fingers itched to give myself some release, but I fought against the reflex, my arousal tense like a cord. I sat up again, still watching him with hooded eyes. Hongjoong answered the other person with a pout on his lips, a pout that soon changed into him biting his own tongue when he realized the intensity, I was watching him with. He finished the call, muttering things that sounded like swear words. He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “I… have to go. It was my manager; I must go back. We have… how do you say it… we can’t be outside alone for long" “Curfew?” I asked, a bit sad. My arousal still burning uncomfortable between my legs while Hongjoong nodded solemnly. The disappointment on his face made me yearn for him even more and I sighed, knowing there was nothing I could do. The sudden silence was deafening, and I felt tears in my eyes. Was this it? My dream, this moment, over? I know that I was the luckiest any Atiny had ever been but at the same time it sort of felt like I'd been desperately let down. “Don’t feel sad Jagi, I…” Hongjoong started and I was happy that he’d changed back to calling me Jagi, fearing that I’d jumped him then and there if he called me Noona again, “I’m not supposed to but maybe…” He grabbed a block of sticky notes at the desk and wrote down a number, and two names, “This is my room, my manager, and my… fake name. I have staff in the reception” He told me the name of the hotel and made me repeat it a few times to make sure that I remembered it. He gave me another look of longing, put on the cap that had been resting on the table we sat at and fished the face mask out of the pocket of his jacket. “Two hours Jagi” He said, and I could only nod, excitement making my heart pound. I unlocked the door and let him out, before collecting my own stuff and was out the door in the same moment I saw him rounding a corner.

..........

I’d taken a shower, thankful to the manager I’d been cursing earlier, feeling more confident while clean. I looked over my collection of underwear and lingerie. Was there really something that was too much in a moment like this? As much as I wanted to make him speechless, I didn't want it to seem like I was dressing up too much. Like he’d said before, we were both human. I scoffed, frustrated because time was ticking, and I'd rather die than being late. I reasoned back and forth with myself finally deciding that I only had one chance to make an impression and the matching black set that I only saved for special occasions hugged me in all the right places, the lace and cotton soft on my skin. I decided on simple black slacks and a woollen grey sweatshirt, blow dried my hair and put on basic makeup. If things went as I hoped, I didn't want to leave half a face of makeup in his bed. Time passed quickly and soon the taxi I’d called as soon as I got home, waited for me. I took a final glance in the mirror in my hallway, my heart pounding with excitement. I told the hotel name to the driver and we were there in less than 15 minutes. It was a five star one and the taxi driver gave me a subtle look of suspicion, checking out my clothes while I paid, as if I wore a cocktail dress underneath. My hands shook a little when I entered the reception, holding onto the sticky note Hongjoong had given me as if it was my lifeline. As I closed in on the desk, I remembered that I didn’t had an idea how Hongjoong’s manager looked like. I never got a good look at him when he was taking those photos outside in the rain earlier today and when I scanned the reception, no one there looked even remotely like him. My heart sank like a boulder to the bottom of my stomach. I was not going to give up, however and decided that I’d fight my way in if I had too. I started with the woman at the desk. She gave me a small pleasant smile, more so because she had to than her being happy to see me, eyes scanning my clothes with the same suspicion as the taxi driver. “Hi, there is someone I'm looking for. He’s supposed to show me to a room?” The woman squinted at me, a curious look of perplexity and concern in her eyes which quickly changed when I handled her the note with the name and supposed alias. She gave me the kind of respectful and slightly jealous smile that you’d give a person that’d just won something and reached for the phone on her desk. She called out a name and within 10 seconds a man excited an elevator at our left. I recognized him and he called out for me with an awkwardly long distance between us. “Hey beautiful girl, come with me” I wanted to sink through the floor when at least 15 people turned their heads towards us and I hung my head, embarrassed. “The note” The manager ordered as soon as the doors closed and I gave him the sticky note, he looked at it from a longer distance than needed, as if he was farsighted but refused to wear glasses. He nodded and gave it back to me, “You should be honoured. You’re the first on this tour, he has been holding out surprisingly long, considering we’ll be done in a few days” My whole body froze to ice when he mentioned that I was the first one, meaning that there had been others in the past and most likely would be more in the future, probably more than he could remember. I cursed my stupid heart for thinking just for a second that I was special in any way. He was an idol, and with the look and charisma he had, fans were ready to serve themselves on silver plates for him. Just like I'd done. The manager noticed the change of mood and reassured me, “Don’t worry, you might still be the only one this time, it has happened before” “Thank you” I forced out, just as the elevator stopped, the words left a bad taste in my mouth. “Go left and then right at the next corner” The manager said and bowed slightly. I bowed back, simply because it felt better since he was my elder. The feeling of conflict weighing on my shoulders. I walked down the corridor, my steps heavy, pausing when I reached the door and checking again if I was at the right room. I stared at it, debating on whether to knock or just turn away and forget about this whole situation. I didn’t want to be just one of many, no one did, and it didn’t matter that he was an idol. Everyone wanted to imagine that they were special. Was the reward good enough? I asked myself. I felt like my heart was breaking and tears threatened to swell over. But if I walked away now, he’d find someone else and I honestly couldn’t live with the fact that I could’ve had the night of my life. I took a deep breath and tapped at my tear canals, as if the movement would force the tears back. I knew that this was one night, and then he’d be gone. This was their first time in Europe, and I was hellbent on being the only one he’d come back to. Telling myself this as a mantra helped and I knocked on the door. Only a few seconds passed before it was pulled open and he was standing there, looking as wonderfully ethereal as a dream. He’d changed as well, wearing a grey dress shirt and black slacks, only sock and barefaced. I wet my lips, wondering how I even considered walking away. He smirked, gave me a playful look and I swallowed down the nervous feeling that threatened to take my voice away, “We’re matching” He said, voice amused and husky and chuckled when I realized as well, “We sure do” my voice shook a little from the pressure of choking down tears earlier and the anxiety of my thoughts. I wanted, needed for him to remember me and only me. Ready to seduce him with every might in my body, I turned it into a play that immediately turned out to be harder than I thought when Hongjoong’s expression changed. A look of worry made his eyebrows furrow and mouth to be pressed into a thin line as he stood aside to invite me in. “Are you ok?” He asked and the concern felt like an arrow to the heart. I paused with my answer as I entered the room, everything from the cream coloured walls to the crisp white sheets on the bed spoke of luxury and I glanced out the window. We were on the 20th floor and the city lights was like an ocean underneath us. I nodded slightly before taking a deep breath, talking while exhaling. “Yeah, I’m fine” Hongjoong sat down on the bed, legs crossed, and I bit down on my lip, imagining how he’d look, laying on his back, hair sprawled across the pillow and the same blown out black eyes he’d had earlier at my shop. I licked my lips and fought the urge to jump him then and there. He motioned with his head to the place next to him and I felt a familiar flame crackling in the pit of my stomach. “Tell me” His voice had a dead serious voice and I realized I’d been busted, “My members don't like talk. But... I know" I pressed my lips together, feeling how my ears flushed red from the shame. I looked down at my hands, the anxiety made my hearth race. I took a deep breath and decided to just get it over with it. Hongjoong was determined and I know that there wasn’t an idea to try and convince him. “Can I… be your only one in Europe?” I muttered and Hongjoong squinted, not able to pick up a word I said. I looked away; my heart pounded so fast that I could hear it in my ears. I fell back on the bed in a weak escape attempt from his burning eyes and looked up at the white ceiling instead, taking a deep breath while I felt my face heating up, “I said, can I be your only one in Europe?” “My only one?” he repeated, puzzled. I imagined the small wrinkle that showed up between his eyebrows when he didn't understand something but refused to look at him, scared that I'd chicken out and be unable to continue, “Your manager told me, that I was the first on this tour. He seemed surprised, almost impressed that you’d managed to hold on for so long and I really thought that I…” I swallowed, and sighed heavily, trailing off, “I’m just stupid, imagining things that weren’t there… I'm, I'm sorry… I’m making a fool out of myself” I hid my face in my hands feeling how the flush had crept down my neck, ashamed of the whole situation. Soon I felt the bed dip and I could hear how he moved over to my head, carefully removing my hands from my face, a small smile on his lips. Eyes crinkled with warmth and I gasped breathlessly as his touch send ripples across my skin. “I said before, I like talking...” My eyebrows furrowed and I looked over at him as he scooted back slightly to lean against the headboard of the bed, “I talk with Atiny… I surprise… them, we talk” I could hardly believe my own ears, was this really what the manager thought we were going to do as well? Just talk? Was it just my own nasty thoughts that believed him to have a girl in every capital? I felt even more ridiculous than before; I had seriously been on my way of walking out on a fantasy I'd had for 6 months because Hongjoong was a sweetheart who cared about his fans. “Told you, you are special Jagi. If you want, you will be the only one... this time” He smiled from ear to ear and I could honestly cry but fought against it as he motioned for me to come up to him. I laid next to him instead, my head resting on his chest and his fingers in my hair and it felt like I was blushing from head to toe, “I choose you and I know I made the right choice” he whispered now, leaving kisses and nuzzled into my hair. The pace of his heart picked up and looked up at him, only to get a kiss on the forehead instead. I bit down on my lips from the sudden sweet gesture, holding back the sudden shyness that flooded through my body. Hongjoong chuckled softly and lied down properly, pulling me on top of him. The sweet moment was over in an instant as the sudden change of position send small shockwaves through my body. His hands on my hips felt like they were made to be there. I supported myself with one hand on his chest, feeling his heart fluttering like a trapped sparrow underneath. I couldn’t help but reach forward to swipe a strand of hair from his forehead and his brows furrowed like I’d burned him, he chewed softly on his bottom lip, eyes hooded. “Noona…” He whispered and I hummed a response, “I choose you because I hope you can… teach me” “Teach you?” I couldn’t help but ask as I leaned forward, planting a kiss just below his ear, where his carotid artery was. His pulse just next to it picked up in speed and I continued. My kisses sloppy mixed with soft nibbles and soon he was gasping underneath me. “Noona, please listen” He whined but I didn't, couldn’t. I loved the sounds he made and simply couldn’t control myself as I started to unbutton his shirt. I only undid one or two before I was manhandled to the side so that we switched positions, him holding me down at my wrists and coming dangerously close to my face, locking his eyes with me and I choked out a gasp. “Listen” He ordered, dominance radiating from his whole body as he pushed his entire weight on me and I submitted without question, his eyes black and hooded, and his half hard cock pushing against my clothed cunt. I gulped, the burn that my arousal emitted made me want to rub my legs together and I fought against it. The man that had been writhing underneath me was gone and I felt like this version of him was a force that could not be reckoned with. “I…” He paused, closing his eyes as his cheeks flushed but I wouldn't dare to make fun of his embarrassment now, “I have never… I mean, I have been close but never” He wet his lips, closed his eyes and took a deep breath before locking his gaze with mine again, “You are... my first” I choked on my breath, it felt as if I’d been punched in the stomach and Hongjoong looked away, ashamed of his lack of experience. My heart swam over with affection. I didn’t care whether it was about the time or opportunity or that he’d been saving himself up for a special moment, this was it. With me. I’d punch the air in victory but decided it was inappropriate and my conscious silence seemed to bring down the man still very much laying on me, down. I wet my lips and cupped his face in my hands. “Words can’t explain how happy you just made me. It’s an honour, and I know how I sound but you… you’re perfect, you’re lips, your eyes, your nose” My fingers brushed against his lower lip before traveling down his sides, “And this body…” My fingers reached forward, and I continued to unbutton his shirt, slowly, like I was opening a gift and I paused after pulling it over his shoulders. I’d imagined this moment more times than I could remember but nothing, not my wildest dream could compare with how he looked. He bit his lip still a bit shy but loving the attention I gave him, drank my desire for him like it was the only thing he craved and I placed my hands on his chest, feeling the muscles underneath the soft skin on his stomach, flex under my touch, “You’ve dreamed about today, I’ve dreamed for 6 months, about you…” I planted kisses on his throat again, earning a sharp inhale that turned into a gasp as my hands travelled across his chest, muscles clenching again under my light touches and I bite my lips at the sight, “Imagined you a thousand times, imagined a moment like this, getting myself off with a photo of you in my hand, never be able to have a one night stand without fantasizing that they were you” I raise my legs and rubbed my inner thighs against his hip, finally submitting to my own lust as my hands reached for my shirt before I pulled it off. A sharp inhale and his breathing sped up as he gazed down on me with hooded eyes. I took his hand and placed it on my hip, guided it down my thigh to the place between my legs where I craved his touch. “Why don’t you find out how wet I am for you?” Something snapped inside of him and he cupped my face, almost threatening to hurt us both with the level of intensity as he finally pressed our lips together. I gasped at the feeling, letting out a small sob and he growled almost animalistic in response, grabbing a handful of my hair to pull me closer, licking his way into my mouth and I obliged. He tasted like americano and toothpaste and I drank him up, gasping against his lips. It was sloppy, all lips and licks and nibbles and the sound of us bounced on the walls and I got drunk on it, on him. The desperate sounds he made as he softly grinded down on me drove me crazy and I responded with his movement, rolling my body against his, the smell of his cologne surrounding me made me weak and I took deep breaths of it, tried to memorize the smell of him in my mind. With one hand still in my hair, the other stroked down the side of my body and I flinched, slightly ticklish. He chuckled into the kiss and stroked down my skin again, putting in more pressure this time. “Fuck” I gasped for air against his lips, his hands where all over me, eager fingers slipping into the edges of my pants and he moaned against me when my fingers travelled from his chest, over his navel and the button of his slacks, finally cupping him over his pants. I couldn’t help but gasp when I got a better understanding of how big he was, licking my lips and gulped, my arousal coiling and butterflies of excitement fluttering in my stomach like something was chasing them. He didn’t waste a second and began to immediately dry humping my hand, greedy for the friction he craved. My heart jumped and I couldn't help but gasp again at his impatient action. “Noona… tell me what to do” He whined, keen on giving me as much of him as I gave him of me. I reached behind me and unclasped my bra but didn’t have to give him instructions before he leaned down and flicked one of the sensitive buds into his mouth, sucking lightly and let his teeth graze against them, a playful smile on his face when he looked up at me from underneath long lashes. Playfully teasing the other with his fingertips before switching. I was a gasping mess within seconds, fingers burrowed into his hair, pressing him closer and begging him not to stop. “You sure you haven’t done this before?” I asked, voice shaky and he chuckled, deep and guttural as he held me in place. My mind flashed back to a few moments earlier when we talked about my feelings and he was the sweetest person I’d ever talked to. That man was blown away and Hongjoong, the man that seemed possessed while performing, the one that had thousands upon thousands of girls quaking, had taken over. He was here, between my thighs, rutting against me without a plan to stop and my heart pounded in my ears, on its way of bursting with bliss and ecstasy. My lips found his again, and he panted between the kisses, lost in a trance, his body shaking as he grinded down on me again and I moaned, tears formed in my eyes from arousal. “Tell me what you want me to do” I whispered while planting wet kisses against his collarbone. He was unstoppable now, a complete mess and I pulled on the lining of his pants. Korean sputtered from his lips in a desperate rant and I interrupted, “English please” “Help me” He choked out, making eye contact with me and I choked on air. Eyes glazed over and cheeks flushed pink so gone in his own lust that it drove me crazy. I didn’t waste a second and pulled down the zipper of his slacks before closing it around his hard cock. He cried out, face contorted, mouth open and his face burrowed in the crook of my neck as if he was ashamed with how lost he was already. I gave his cock a few tugs and my mouth watered as I imagined how he would feel inside me. “Please, please…” Hongjoong gasped and pushed on my shoulders. Any other words weren’t needed, and I rolled us around again, so that I was on top. I kissed his collarbone, down his chest and stomach, taking my sweet time and lapping and nibbling on his skin as I went, soaking up the sound he made. The last kiss was placed just below his navel before I made eye contact with him again as I closed my hand around his cock. He bit his lip, head thrown back at the pillows and his hair sprawled out on it as beautifully as I thought it would. He left me breathless and now it was up to me to do the same to him as I took him into my mouth without a second thought. What sounded like a whole list of swear words in Korean fell from his lips as the tip of his cock hit the back of my throat. I hollow my cheeks and pressed up my tongue at the underside of him before licking my way up to the slit where I dipped my tongue. I couldn’t help but let out a moan at the taste, his taste, and felt my eyes tearing up as I watched him lose control. My own arousal was soaking my panties, but I didn’t care, placing all my focus on the man writhing underneath me. I went down on him again, repeating my action, bopping my head up and down, slowly but surely dipping him lower and lower into my throat until my nose touched his pubic bone. I swallowed around him, focusing on breathing slowly through my nose, saliva coating my chin and I looked up again, making eye contact with him. His eyes glossy, lips red from biting into them too hard, panting out short breaths and face and chest flushed pink and I moaned to the sight of him, sending ripples across his skin as he felt the vibrations of it, just laying there and taking all that I gave him. He placed his hand in my hair, gently and I melted in it, bopping my head again and he thrust once, slightly to see if I minded. I usually did, but this was different, I knew that I wasn't going to be his only one. For this tour maybe, but I was going to be the first of many. He was just testing his waters with me and I was hellbent on making a perfect example on just how you were going to do it so that he never, no matter how many he’ll end up sleeping with, will find someone that was as good as me. So, I let him, and the thrusts got deeper, his hand pushing me down on his cock, using me only to get himself off and I could feel tears running down my cheeks from the stress it was causing in my throat. “Noona… please… I’m…” I paused, swallowed him down into my throat again and watched as he came undone, face contorted, his other hand twisting the sheets, body convulsing underneath me as hot spurts of cum ran down my throat and I choked and let him go before I could swallow. He cursed, hair tousled, chest heaving and cock twitching still, and I snapped a picture of this moment in my mind to carry with me. The sight of him in the tears of my eyes as magical as an aurora. I gave him a minute to come down from his high and felt my heart flutter when he opened his eyes again, meeting mine and rolled them at the sight of me, his tongue flicking out to wet his lips as he smirked. He pulled himself up to meet my lips again, kissing me chastely, teasingly and I swallowed, my heart pounding as he pushed gently on my chest. As soon as my back hit the bed, he was on top of me again, tasted my lips and moaning at the taste of himself on my lips. He let his mouth travel and placed butterfly kisses from my neck to my belly button, each of them leaving me shaking for more and I choked when he finally popped the button to my slacks. Taking the moment to fully undress himself as well. My panties were soon to follow, and he grinned from ear to ear when he realized how soaked they were. I hide my face in my hands, clenching my legs together, embarrassed by his eyes on me as he threw our clothes aside, voice hoarse and deep. “Let me see” He rubbed my thighs comfortingly and I separated them, earning a guttural growl from him when he finally saw my naked self, and the effect that he had on me. His fingers traced the inner side of my thighs and I clenched around nothing, so sensitive that the butterfly touches almost hurt. “Tell me…” He said, needing guidance in how I wanted him to proceed. “Touch me” I managed to get out and pressed two fingers at my clit, lazily rubbing myself, melting under my own touch. I grabbed Hongjoong’s hand and he mimicked me with the two fingers. I guided him and choked out a sob at the feeling of being filled exploded my senses when he reached beyond the folds, pushing his fingers knuckles deep into me. He seemed surprised by my reaction, thinking he’d hurt me and flinched away, but I kept him there, still with my hand around his wrist, “It’s good, don’t stop” I cried out softly, and felt my eyes roll back as I pumped his fingers. A gasp emitted from his lips at my sudden neediness, and he got the idea quickly, softly removing my hand and picking up the speed. “Good?” He asked and I nodded frantically, never wanting him to stop. My breathing uneven “Can I… taste?” He met his eyes, black from lust and couldn’t help but look down, gulping when I realized that he was already half hard again. Damn, I’d missed youngers guys and their infinite stamina. I nodded again, “Yes, God yes. Please” He bit down a smile of amusement at my enthusiasm before going down on me, pressing his tongue flat over my cunt, humming at the taste of it, still with his fingers inside me, his movements slower and I sobbed, bucking into his mouth. My reaction seemed to encourage him because he took another lick, pressing his nose against my pubis bone, a small smirk on his lips as he began eating me out and God, was the boy a natural. I was shaking within a minute, the sound of slurping as he drank my juices made my legs turn into jelly and stomach clench. He gently sucked my clit into his mouth, and I was a writhing mess underneath him. He came up for air, wet chin and hooded eyes and felt my eyes tearing up from the vision. He noticed my intense stare and licked his lips, loving the taste and asked, “Did you dream? About this?” I bit my lower lip, nodding, not trusting my own voice at all and he smiled, a warmth in it that left me breathless. He slowed down his movements again and I really thought that was it but Hongjoong had other thoughts as he laid his other hand flat on the lower part of my stomach, letting out a small “Woah” and I chuckled at his reaction, “I can feel” he said, fascination in his voice and I smiled, a smile that changed into a groan when he dived back in for another taste, keeping his hand on my stomach, putting pressure on my uterus while at the same time pulling the hood on my clit up to make it more accessible . There is no way he hadn’t done this before, but I couldn't be bothered how right now, only thankful that he had the knowledge as he threatened to push me over the edge. His grunting became louder with mine and I raised myself up on my elbows, curious, only to curse when I noticed how he, in pure frustration, humped the bed, desperately craving friction. The look of him, so wantonly lost in his lust and him softly sucking on my clit again send me over and I grabbed his arm as I came, convulsing under his touch. He drank me up before pulling his fingers out of me, a look of fascination in his eyes when he separated his fingers and a string of cum connected them. He put the fingers into his mouth, sucking on them like he wanted to have every drop of me, and I gulped as he gave me a look, still with his fingers in his mouth. He went back with the same fingers, smearing the wetness there before bringing said fingers to my mouth, I obliged and took them in my mouth. His eyes blinked, eyelids heavy and on half-mast as he suppresses a moan behind clenched teeth. He climbed on top of me, not giving me a chance to breathe, before he caught my lips, mouth open to welcome my tongue and I groaned at the feeling of us finally laying skin to skin, his weight on me so good that I had a hard time controlling myself. “Ah, wait” Hongjoong suddenly exclaimed and jumped off the bed to a shopping bag in the sofa at the other side of the room. He pulled out a package of condoms and I bit down on my finger to suppress a giggle at his adorableness, the mixed feelings of wholesomeness and devastation crossing in my stomach as he stood there, in all his glory. Honeyed skin, lean muscles, the long hair that reached passed his shoulders and cock stiff like a rock, blood filled red and smeared with pre-cum. I scooted up to the headboard, throwing myself on the pillow and reached down to play with myself, taking in every part of him and took a mental snapshot. Hongjoong finally looked up, not any wiser with the wrapper and took a shaky breath at the sight of me. He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth before chewing it softly and I reached out for him as he joined me on the bed again. I broke the package and then showed him how to put it on, earning a gasp as I rolled it down. I laid down again, separating my legs and he placed himself between them, he leaned forward, grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers as I guided him in, cm by cm, adjusting to the sudden size and he burrowed his head in the crook of my neck, a cry erupted my his lips. I held my breath, and my back arched when he was finally sheathed inside me, the soles of my feet on his back, pushing him until he was balls deep. Shaky puffs of air in my ear made my skin prickle and I rubbed my thighs on the sides of his hips, stroking his chest with the hand that wasn’t being held and the touch seemed to wake him from the spell he was under because he snapped his hip, just slightly but I choked on my breath from the friction. He repeated the movement, more and more bold with every snap of his hips and soon he was thrusting into me, deep and dangerously slow. He cupped my face with his free hand and pressed his lips upon mine, it was sweet, loving and I turned into putty in his arms, rolling my body with his. I moaned with him as he picked up speed, locking his gaze with me as he pounded me into the mattress, his hand cupping my face still. “God Noona… so beautiful” I whined and grabbed a handful of his hair, pulling him down to my lips again, softly nibbling on the bottom and he inhaled sharply at the surprise. “Don’t be bad girl” He chuckled but I saw how a different fire had lit up in his eyes when I did that. I was going to push it as far as I could. I took the hand that cupped my cheek and placed it on my neck instead and he almost paused as I made him close his hand around it. His mouth fell open and his eyebrows raised, a cocky expression and I inhaled sharply when he picked up his speed again, showing no signs of getting tired. I reached between our bodies and pressed down on my clit, my head falling back against the pillow at the euphoric feeling of him so deep within me. The shortness of my breath spurring him on as he caressed my neck with his thumb. He licked his lips before leaning down again, darting his tongue out to lick across my lower lip before meeting mine and it was so sloppy and nasty, our breathing mixing together and I was close, I could feel it in my core desperately pushing down on my clit, Hongjoong looked like he wasn’t far from tipping over the edge as well. A few more thrusts and strokes over the hood of my clit and I fell, harder than I'd done ever before, my hearing blown out, body shaking and my vision blurring. “Hongjoong” I gasped out on the top of my high and he sobbed into my shoulder when hearing his name slipping from my lips. It only took a few more seconds and he was gone as well, head thrown back and he screamed silently as I felt his cock twitching inside of me. He collapsed on top of me, breathing hard into my ear and I closed my arms around his back in an embrace. He nuzzled into my neck, mindlessly placing a kiss there and I giggled softly at the ticklish feeling. We lay there for a few more seconds until the overstimulation of being inside of me became too much and he pulled out, earning a groan from both of us, before rolling off the bed, feet light on the floor as he walked to the bathroom. He motioned me to join him and I entered the room as he started the shower. He extended his hand and pulled me under the shower head, the other hand placed on my hip and a sudden domestic feeling washed over me as he reached for the soap, helping me with my back and shoulders, massaging them softly. I returned the favour, his hair reached longer than expected when straight and wet and I combed my fingers through it, earning a small moan of satisfaction. He turned around, and I could hear myself gasp still not believing that I got to share this moment with him, and he smiled, giving me a peck on the mouth before placing his arms around me, "Thank you, Jagi" I swallowed, realizing that this was the beginning of the end and felt tears collecting under my eyes, thankful that we were standing under the shower, "No, thank you… for trusting me and for giving me your first time" I rubbed the tears that threatened to fall, out of my eyes, determined not to cry. We dried up and I was just about to reach for my clothes when Hongjoong's hand on my arm stopped my movements. "Stay?" He asked and gulped, voice almost a whisper and I looked up at him, surprised but over the moon and I could only nod as he led us to the bed again, pulling the covers around our bodies. He held me close, took the role as the big spoon and intertwined our hands over my chest. He placed a kiss on the nape of my neck, and I took a deep breath, feeling my heart racing from the butterflies in my stomach, endorphins pumping my brain full of serotonin and I leaned back against his chest, feeling his breathing as his chest rose. "Sleep Jagi, I'm here" Hongjoong whispered in my ear and I melted at his words, letting my body relax.

..........

I suddenly woke up not even realizing that sleep had overtook me, it was still dark outside, the room slightly illuminated by the moonlight above and city underneath, bathing us in dim lighting. I guessed that I'd only slept for a few hours. A groaning made me aware of what woke me up and I turned around, just as Hongjoong caught my gaze. His eyes were glossed over and his breath caught in his throat when he realised, he'd been busted. I licked my lips, my arousal turning on like a light switch and I reached my hand underneath the covers, placing my hand on his chest, trailing my fingers down his frame, earning a pitched gasp. He was fucking his own hand, pulling on himself while grinding, movements erratic and I wondered how long he must've been awake, watching me and slowly losing his composition. I swatted his hand away and he let out a moan when my fingers closed around him instead. His eagerness, the clenched eyes and biting at his own lips, savouring the feeling, had me wet in seconds, the burn ticking between my legs made me squirm. He groaned as I let him go to push a finger inside myself to make sure that I was wet and slick for him. The dirty look he’d send me changed soon as I climbed on top of him. He inhaled shakily, placing his hands on my hips, and I could feel him shaking from controlling his need to grind up against my ass. "I have an IUD, it's like a condom but already inside me. We could do it without… I understand if you don’t want to… but I'm healthy and I can't get pregnant… it's your choice" He sucked his lip into his mouth, eyes heavy and cheeks flushed at my proposition, his cock twitching at the thought of coming inside of me and licked my lips, resisting the urge to roll my body back against him as he nodded, his hands gripping my waist harder as he rose me up. I guided him in, my head thrown back and pant coming out in short breaths as I felt him naked inside me. Hongjoong let out a choked sob from the feeling of being so deep into me again and I clenched around him, teasing him and he inhaled sharply, bucking his hips into me, head thrown back, blinded by lust. He pulled at my waist, encouraging me to move and moaned, guttural and hungry as I did just that. I placed a hand on the bedpost, the other in his hair as I ride him, arching my back and he placed both hands on my ass, helping me with the rhythm, his breathing laboured. He wouldn't last long, already ahead of me before we even started and I pushed my hand between us to furiously rub my clit, racing the finish line with him. I leaned down to catch his lips and he cried into my mouth, the thrusting irregular and offbeat and I clenched around him, urging him on as my tongue met his in another open kiss. His hands on me tightened and I brushed away hair that stuck to his forehead just in time to see his face contorted, just a beautifully as it had the first time. His back arching and head burrowing back into the pillow as he stilled his movements, his whole body tensing up from shooting his cum deep into me and I gasped at the feeling, riding out his orgasm, milking him completely dry. He pushed me away soon after and I was only offended for the few seconds it took for him to place himself between my legs. I gasped as he wasted no time, pushing three fingers into my cumfilled cunt, smirking from ear to ear at the squelching sound it made and my fingers immediately pushed down on my clit, happy that he'd noticed and was down to taking care of my orgasm as well. He pushed me over the edge faster than I wanted to admit, praising me with soft words making sure to not leave my body until I was down from my high. We breathed deep for a minute before he leaned down, placing a soft kiss on my lips, "Sorry" his voice deep and husky and I sighed a smile, not believing what his was saying. "For waking me up?" I asked, eyebrows raised, and he nodded, an apologetic expression on his face and I cupped his face in my hand. He leaned into it, eyes closed, taking a deep breath and the intimacy of it made my heart jump. My other hand combing through his messy hair, small beads of sweat had collected at the roots and I could help but kiss him again, keeping him there for a little longer than necessary, breathing through the nose and revelling in the feeling of his lips pressed against mine, my hand combing through his hair again, pulling on it softly and he took a shaky breath against my lips. He leaned over me, supporting himself with one hand and placed the other on my chin, forcing my mouth open with his thumb, deepening the kiss, sneaking his tongue into my mouth. I couldn't help but moan, my hands traveling from his head, down his ribcage to his waist where I pushed him closer to me. He took another shaky breath, his hand on my chest, feeling my heart picking up speed. I got drunk on him, his taste, his smell, the way his body moved against mine send ripples over my body and I could feel how goose bumps covered my skin. He chuckled at my reaction, spurred on by it, sipped on my desire like a fine wine, his hands and lips moving over my body, making me come undone. I placed my legs over his waist, and he dug his fingers into my thighs, leaving my lips to sit up, basically pulling my lower half into his lap. I groaned at his impatient yearning, relished in him getting this worked up for me again, barely any pause in this never-ending appetite of his. I met his eyes, pupils dilated, and I could feel his heartbeat ticking in his wrist where he held me down. He looked ashamed again and I felt how his half-hard cock poked against my entrance as he broke eye contact. I was quick this time though, not letting him escape, cupped his face and turned his head so that he looked at me again. “It’s ok” “I can’t control myself… not with you… like this” He groaned, breathing shaky and he bit down hard on his lower lip, threatening to draw blood when I couldn’t help myself from spreading my legs and he gulped at the sight of me, wet and lost in indulgence. Cum from our previous session oozing out and I pressed two fingers against my clit, back arching involuntarily as pleasure shot through my body. His grip on me tightened, a moan escaping his lips and I felt him twitching against me, pearls of pre-cum dripped from the tip and smeared on my inner thigh. My heart fluttered at the sight of him losing it again, eyes black from the incitement and I choked on my breath when his hands rubbed circles towards my waist, taking a hold of them instead. I met his eyes, nodding silently as he lined up, keeping the eye contact as he entered me for the third time this night and I muffled a cry by biting down on my lower lip, feeling like I was going to explode. His hand reached for mine and I grabbed it, lacing our fingers together as he paused. The feeling of being fully inside me again made him shudder and he paused to feel the sweet moment of just staying connected as well. It was different this time, the intimate feeling that radiated between us made my heart clench and I pulled him down for a kiss before urging him to move with a snap of my hips. The obscene sound of cum leaking out of me to make place for his cock made him whine against my mouth, his thrusts hard and slow. He sat back up, head thrown back, the hand that wasn’t holding mine gripped my hip and he moved agonizingly slow, taking his time with me, watching my every reaction. A devilish smirk on his lips as he picked up the speed, and I cried out softly from the friction. But then he slowed down, almost immediately and choked out a chuckle when I swore at him. He adjusted, looking for my sweet spot and then groaned with satisfaction when I sharply inhaled, my fingers reaching between us. He had a perfect view from his position, eyes flickering from my face and to his cock, watching how the lips of my cunt swallowed around him as he pounded my body into the mattress. I held into him, my breathing coming out in short pants. “So beautiful Jagi, my Jagi... mine” he whispered, letting go of my hip to place the hand over my cheek, engulfing my body with his to kiss my lips again and I sobbed into them, pouring every feeling I’d ever felt for him into that kiss. Every minute of every hour that I’d been cheering him on, wanting nothing but success for him, for them, never being able to do much more with a minimum wage and loans over my ears. Loving him, or at least the version he displayed for the fans, fascinated by his work ethic, his passion for the music, the way he did everything he did so effortlessly, be it rapping, singing, dancing or composing. Hoping and praying for him and his health for these past months and all it took was just a minute and he decided to share all that was him with me. I held onto him, breathing every word that I wanted to tell him, every feeling that I couldn’t express because I didn't want to push them on him. We shared a moment now, a moment that would change when the sun went up. “Don’t stop” I whispered, feeling how I was standing at the edge, ready to topple over at any second. He moaned, closing his hand around my throat in a soft grip, putting pressure on my windpipe with his thumb. There was a wildfire in those black eyes of his and it felt like I was dancing with the devil, and I threw my head back, submitting to the feeling of falling. Hongjoong choked out a gasp at the sight of me, picking up his speed to chase down his own high and I forced my eyes opened to watch him as he reached his limit. Mouth falling open, eyes squeezed shut and body involuntarily jolt against mine, erratic, filling me up again and I held onto him. The sight and my feelings shook me to the core and tears filled my eyes faster than I could stop them. He slumped against me, not bothering with the courtesy of holding himself up but I didn't mind. The pressure of his body on mine felt good and I bit onto my lips, my fingertips caressing his back and I looked out the window to see the moon lower than when I woke up. Just a couple of hours, two at most and the sun would be up. I swallowed and swallowed again, feeling how a big lump of anxiety formed there pushing my tears to fall and I blinked, tried to fight the feeling off but it couldn’t be helped. It only took a moment for Hongjoong to notice my uneven breathing and he hoisted himself up, scared that he’d hurt me, fear in his eyes and I waved my hand in front of me, “It’s not you, don’t go” I whined, cringing at my own desperation as I pushed him down on my body again with a hand on his back. He gave me a worried look, “Jagi…” he trailed off, not knowing how he could express his concern to me in English and I smiled, “I’m fine really, I just... “I looked out the window again and he followed my sight, “I don’t want to go back to sleep” He nodded, a sombre look on his face before he stood up and walked towards the bathroom. “Come” He ordered, and I followed him, feeling how the mixture of cum and discharge trickled down my leg, hearing the shower faucet turn on. He turned away quickly as soon as I entered the lit-up room. Eyes strained at the bathtub as he adjusted the temperature before sitting down in the bathtub and made place between his legs, motioning for me to sit down as well. “If you want to clean” He gave me the shower head and looked away, holding the drain stopper in a death grip and my heart swelled with gratitude as I cleaned myself, holding back a moan when I realized the amount he’d put in my body. I could feel him tensing up behind me at the wet noises I produced, and I was impressed with the self-control he had. I handled him the shower head again and he gave me the drain stopper before putting on the faucet at full power, the lukewarm water nice and chill on my heated skin and I leaned back at his chest with my eyes closed. He moved away my hair from my shoulder, placing a kiss over my collarbone and I wanted to pause time, to put this memory in a treasure box and keep it safe so that I'd never forget it. Minutes passed as the bath filled up and I probably would’ve fallen asleep if the water was warm and my back would be pressed against anyone else then Hongjoong. His breathing was soft and regular against me and I was sure that he’d fallen asleep, but his voice told me different. He turned off the faucet, the water dangerously close to the edge and asked, embarrassment in his voice, “I never ask you, your name?” I snorted, amused as I realized the same thing and told my name without hesitation, smiling from ear to ear when he tried, and failed, to pronounce it. He asked me about my age, my family, both the one I was born into and the one I’d created with people closest to me, where I grew up. I asked back, curious about his life, about his pain and passion. We got up eventually and dried up, not stopping the endless conversation about everything from where the universe began to what I was going to watch on Netflix that evening. We were so lost in conversation that we didn’t realise the sun painting the sky a white yellow. The noise of knocking, however made us froze and the voice I recognized as Hongjoong’s manager said something in Korean that I couldn't make out, only guessing that he wanted him to wake up and get ready to continue traveling. Hongjoong answered and I could hear how the manager's shoes clambered away down the corridor. I looked out the window, first now realizing that time was up, “It’s time, Jagi” Hongjoong said what I was thinking and gave me a sad smile. I felt my heart broke, landing in the bottom of my stomach like glass shatters on stone floor, violently and piecing sharp and it was as if I got gutted, losing my breath completely as tears swelled over in my eyes, “Don’t cry Jagi, I promised. Only you this time, no one else” I nodded, feeling like I couldn't even swallow back my agony, the lump in my throat aching and I tried to breathe deep, to calm down, embarrassed by my reaction. This wasn’t a breakup; we’d had our moment, but I still felt empty as I took another deep breath and looked up. He took my breath away, standing in front of the window, the young morning sun like a halo surrounding him and I bit my lip as he took two fast steps toward me, embracing me with all his might before locking his lips with mine in one final kiss. I felt like we were in the climax of a movie, holding onto each other like two star struck lovers. He cupped my face, deepening the kiss and I sobbed breathlessly, tasting the salt from tears on my lips as he flushed his body against mine, gasping for air when my hands clasped the hair in the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me. We parted, eventually, panting for air, still holding onto each other. He moved a strand of hair that felled into my face, brows furrowed, wearing an expression of grief and I wondered silently if it was because he was going to miss the sex or if he felt the same electric feeling shooting through him, one that made his heart flutter and butterflies fly around like crazy in his belly, that I felt when I touched him. I decided that I didn't want the answer since both would only make it harder for me to leave. “I will see you again Jagi, I promise” He held out his pinkie and I took it, taking a deep breath and turning around to walk out. “Wait” He exclaimed and walked over to his travel bag, rummaged around for a bit before he pulled out a simple black sweatshirt, “It's cold… I trust you, this my favourite. Keep it… safe. Until next time” I pulled it over my head and the smell of him surrounded me and I couldn’t help myself from sniffing the collar, his perfume present and I nodded, “I will” He gave me a smile and I opened the door, looking both ways to see if the coast was clear, giving Hongjoong one final look before stepping outside. “Bye Jagi” he said, and I swallowed again, “Bye” My voice broke and I looked away, my walking quick as I almost ran towards the elevator. Not being able to stay any longer.

.........

2 months later and I was watching Tv when the notification signal on my phone went off. There was a new retweet from Ateez, originally from MPD, hashtagged #Ateez1stWin. My heart jumped and I watched the snipped of them blowing out the candles on a cake and my heart swelled, proud over them to get the recognition they deserved. My eyes lingered on Hongjoong, the red hair and white clothes made him seem unreal, like a dream. Sometimes I questioned that I ever met him that cold, rainy day in April and seeing him, them, like this, on their way to become famous artists only made the feeling more distant. Gifs of them kissing the cup appeared and someone tweeted "Finally these boys can have their phones back" with an angel emoji and I put away my phone just as it buzzed again, another notification dropping in and I suddenly remembered one of the last conversations we had the morning before my departure. I’d asked why he didn’t have his own phone and he explained, as well as he could, that it was something that all companies did to keep their trainees and rookies in shape and to work collectively towards one goal; A first win. My heart pounded when I opened the notification that was sent from an unknown number:

[15:06] Jagi?

[toas-tea]

Hi, this might be coming out of left field here but to me you seem like the easiest person to vent this to. I'm one of the lurkers in the Jorleesi fandom and am more comfortable admiring posts, metas, fics, from afar. I think I read somewhere you used to be an introvert but your personality suggests...otherwise? I don't mean for that to be offensive, I just get no BS vibes from you and honestly? I'm envious. Especially with your most recent post calling out the people tagging IG hate. Idk how

(cont) you do it. I don’t know how to properly articulate my thoughts. I guess what I’m trying to get at here is how to properly express myself again. I used to actively participate in fandoms until toxicity got the better of me. I’m a very sensitive person. so when I got my first few hate messages a few years ago for expressing opinion (Sherlock BBC fandom) I just…stuck to myself and eventually slipped out of the fandom. I’m so sorry about the length of this and if this is weird.

(cont) I’m assuming your 23 so talking to someone who is closer to my age and most likely understands what I’m going through is comforting for me. This fandom is so kind and I wish I had more confidence to actively participate like you and the others.

This is going to be an intimate answer so I’ll keep it under the cut. 

I’m gonna be honest with you, YES. This definitely did come out of left field and it’s the last thing I’d ever expect to get in my ask box. It’s a surprise, but not a bad one in the least. I’m honored to know you felt comfortable enough to share something personal with me - another stranger on the internet. I’m definitely not a sage and I definitely feel like I’m not the right person to ask this, but I’ll for sure try my best for you. This is all from my personal experience and if it helps you then great. If it doesn’t, I at least hope it’ll let you know you’re not alone and inspire you in some way. Don’t worry, it’s not weird at all. 

Just to clear things up, I’m still an introvert. I can socialize to an extent and out of obligation (ironically I work customer service), but I definitely value/prefer my alone time. I have a threshold with everyone, even with my best friends and they luckily respect that. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m completely satisfied with my preferences and how I am. 

I’m not sure if this means much, but I had to hit rock bottom for me to realize I wasn’t going to last much longer being passive. I spent at least 11 years of my life insanely oppressed. I did things I didn’t like because I wanted to feel accepted by people who shouldn’t matter to me. I cared too much about how people perceived the way I dress, talk, act, etc. I was also verbally abused a lot by my coworkers at my previous jobs. I was in 3 toxic relationships before my current one. And I know all too well how much it hurts to have friends who turned out to be fake af in the end. 

I express myself as freely as I want to, especially here because it’s the internet for pete’s sake. I play certain games because I can despite half of the world probably hating it. If who I am doesn’t cause cancer but people still have a problem with me, that’s not my problem. Who I am now wasn’t an overnight process, I can tell you that for sure. Learning not to let other’s perceptions of you fuck with you wasn’t an overnight process. I’m not sure how to explain it properly. I just snapped some time after my first college and started doing something about it for myself. I had enough of everything, the passiveness, the doom and gloom I was basking in. Again, I didn’t develop this in a short amount of time whatsoever - it took me 11 years and being only 23, that’s substantial portion of my life. No friends, family, or lovers to help me. Experience and time paved the way for me. I’m not guaranteeing it will be the same for you, since everyone heals and learns at their own pace. 

I’m sorry if this wasn’t the answer you were looking for. I hope it doesn’t take for you to hit rock bottom to realize something needs to change. I didn’t talk to anyone and had to learn myself. I know a lot of people encourage you to talk to someone, but that’s fine if you don’t want to. But from what I’ve learned? IF you’re not going to do that, then you need to do something for yourself before you get swallowed whole by what’s weighing you down.

[treasure-my-aurora]

Making Love Out of Nothing at All

A/n: Putting this on my side blog instead. Don’t you worry, yellow-beacon is my main. Sorry not sorry for putting this out in the tag again ♥

Pairing: Hongjoong / fem!Reader

Genre: Porn with Plot, Angst, Fluffy af 

Words: 12,767

Summary: This is just porn with angsty fucking plot. I supply wetness in your eyes and wetness in your pants. Reader is a barista who happens to meet someone she recognize just before closing up, is it fate? Probably not. Is it going to be happy ending? Probably not. I can’t write summaries for shits but give it a shot, you’re gonna love it ok, uwu

It'd been a quiet day with rain pondering down since lunch. The few patrons that were in the shop shuddered slightly from the sudden cold spring weather. They were scattered with a fair distance between them, as people often sat at cafes. I was cleaning the espresso machine and the working bench underneath, looking up from time to time to scan the perimeter of the cafe and making sure to be at close hand if someone needed something. A man standing outside in the pouring rain caught my glance. He was probably in his thirties and holding a big fancy camera, pointing it towards the cafe. I guessed that he was just a tourist that wanted to take a photo for future memories. I smiled for myself and went back to my cleaning. Looking back up 10 seconds or so later and the man was still there, taking photo after photo. A sudden rush of discomfort washed over me. My face was probably in all those photos and I just got the feeling that he was up to no good. A phone call seemed to interrupt his snapping and he hurried off quickly. I exhaled, maybe it was just me being paranoid. Time moved quickly, I was closing, finishing the last touches of cleaning when the last patron waved goodbye, “Thank you, bye” I yelled and waved back, hoping that she’d been the last one for today. I didn’t really have the time to help another patron. Another 5 minutes passed, and I was just about to go back to the office and get the keys when the doorbell emitted a soft clang as someone entered the door. A man, just slightly taller than I entered. He had a mysterious, almost cocky feeling about him, dressed in ripped washed outs, a grey trench coat and a black cap covered his eyes. A face mask covered the lower part of his face as well and I couldn’t see him properly until he was standing in front of me at the other side of the desk. I inhaled sharply when I recognized the chocolate browns that met mine. My stomach jumped and I gripped onto the desk hard to secure my footing, an embarrassing gesture but I couldn’t care less at that moment. “Hi” He said, as confidently as he could, but the accent still broke through. I gulped, not really trusting my own voice just yet. There was a pause for only a few seconds, and the man pulled down the face mask down his chin revealing a cute button nose and lips that were pulled in an uncertain smile, “You know me?” he asked, a bit hesitant with my lack of reaction. I bit my lip and cleared my throat, feeling how my face heated up, suddenly self-conscious of my looks. The 9 hours of sweating, messy hair, smeared makeup, syrup on my hands and underarms and with coffee powder covering my body like a sheen layer didn’t do me justice. Because the man was someone I'd only met in my dreams, a man I admired, looked up to and loved, and my heart skipped before I opened my mouth, “Yes, I know you. You are Hongjoong” he gave me a relieved look. I looked around; I couldn’t understand that he was there. I’d entered some fan competitions lately, but I think I'd remembered if the prize would’ve been a private meeting. Was there a hidden camera? I looked over at the door, prepared for my friends to run in, laughing. I asked him about my suspicions and while he laughed, my heart pounded. I bit my lip, nervous that I’d made a bad first impression for making assumptions while he waved his hands in front of him. “No no, no camera, no prize, Just me. I need… to see you” It seemed like even though it took him a moment to articulate the words, he understood what I said. He let out a small noise of frustration, “How should I… are you Yeodonseang or Noona?” I felt my heart skip, and my face flushed, “Noona” I answered and Hongjoong nodded slowly, biting softly on his lower lip, seemingly lost in thought for a moment and my still confused heart was racing. I blurted out before I could stop myself, “What are you doing here?” I swallowed, hoping that I didn’t offend him with my straightforwardness. He didn’t mind but also didn’t seem to understand exactly what I was asking, “I had concert yesterday. Today we have… free time” I nodded and pressed on, “But what are you doing here?” emphasizing the “here” He opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted when the bell above the door rang, marking that someone entered. Hongjoong froze and quickly pulled the mask over his mouth again. He didn’t have to worry though, a big man in his fifties looked over at us and I yelled out a small, “Sorry, we’re closed” “Doesn’t look like it” He scoffed under a big moustache, eyes squinting and beer belly peeking out from underneath the shirt he was wearing. “I was just about to get the key” I lied, gave Hongjoong a glance which he returned, eyes peeking up from underneath the fringe, the twinkle in them made me breathless and I turned on my heel quickly. I took the chance to change into my civil clothes when I walked past the changing room. Taking a moment to remove the makeup under my eyes with a paper towel and wash my hands. A pair of ripped blacks hugged my legs and I thanked my lucky star for deciding to wear an Ateez band shirt before I grabbed my bag and jeans jacket as well. I grabbed the key in the office, my heart was doing somersaults and I took a deep breath before walking back in. The man was gone but Hongjoong wasn’t. The locks from his mullet peeked out from underneath the cap, resting on the collar of the coat as he was standing with his back toward me, watching the rain outside, protected from curious eyes by the one-way shaded windows. “I’m just going to…” I trailed off and walked to the door, locked it and then turned around to see him smiling at me. He motioned with his hand at my shirt. “You are Atiny, I know... I” he fought to find the right words while I killed the main lights, setting a dim and cosy atmosphere. I motioned for him to join me on the sofa in the far back where we would be basically invisible to the people outside. He removed his cap, running his fingers through the long hair, “I saw you yesterday, driving past us in the city. You like loud music, I heard “Say my name” You were singing, dancing, rapping” He wiggled his shoulders, a playful smile on his lips. I bit the insides of my cheeks, ashamed that I both, were so lost in my mind that I'd totally missed them, and that Hongjoong had seen my awkward dance moves because God knows I couldn’t dance at all. A sound of regret exited from my lips and I hid my face in my hands as my face flushed an even deeper red than before. “No no, you very cute, don’t hide” The playful smile turned into one with warmth, “So, I want to... talk” “Talk?” I asked, getting increasingly more confused where things were going to go. He ran his fingers through his hair, an awkward expression on his face and he wet his lips, “I want to meet you, not only see you. Want to hear your voice, make you laugh” I couldn’t help but stare, still in disbelief that he was sitting there in front of me, and now talking about how much he wanted to see me that my heart jumped, my breath choked and the ends of my ears matched the colour in my face. He played with the ends of his hair, almost shyly and with the same look of disbelief in his eyes that were in mine. Like I was the famous idol he’d been longing for. “You are very beautiful. My heart…” His voice had dropped an octave, from embarrassment of not being able to explain how he felt. He drummed softly on his chest in the rhythm of fast heartbeats and I wanted to hide my face in my hands again, “You seem so happy, listening to us. I've had dream, all day, planning how... I could meet you. I needed to be… careful. My members... didn’t want me to but… I had to” My heart was beating fast in my chest. If he’d been anyone else, a normal everyday human, I’d run as fast as my legs would take me. But Hongjoong wasn’t just an everyday person and even though he was from a smaller company, still fresh from debut, he couldn’t risk being seen like we were right now. Therefor the silent stalking and planning. The whole situation was still so unreal, and I pinched my thigh to make sure that I hadn’t fainted on work and this was all just a dream. It hurt, my brows furrowed from the pain and I played it off like confusion. The whole situation seemed so random. Thinking back, I couldn’t even remember a situation yesterday where they could’ve hidden out of my sight, and the fact that only a minute top had been enough for him to want to see me again made butterflies explode in my stomach. “How did you find me?” I asked, curious. “My manager” he answered, almost proud of his accomplishment of finding me, a smile on his lips again and I remembered the man that had taken photos of what I'd thought was the cafe earlier. Seemed like my gut was right about that one. Hongjoong rested his face on his clasped knuckles and watched me like I hung the moon and all the stars. I’d gotten an explanation, but I was still as confused as ever. I know I looked good with a face of make-up and body in certain angles, but I was all and all just an average girl, with average looks, average weight, height, living an average life… And he was, well, Hongjoong. What else could I say? He looked amazing, from the tousled mane of hair, to the challenging twinkle in the brown of his eyes, the pink tinted lips. I didn’t even need to get started on his body. He had that casual feeling of just throwing something on and look amazing, his clothes slim and form fitting, giving me a nice view of how well he was built. I suddenly got conscious of my own body as his seemed to not have one ounce of fat. I bit my lip and averted my eyes, suddenly shy. Still finding the whole situation bizarre, the man I'd been daydreaming about since their debut last year was just sitting there, watching me with a small smile on his lips. I finally found the courage to ask what I'd been wondering since he introduced himself. “Why me?” “Ah, Jagi” He sighed, overdramatically, like I was insane for ever questioning it, “Why not?” My mouth clamped shut. I didn’t have an answer for that. I couldn’t really argue when I didn’t know how I looked in his eyes. I must've worn a surprised expression because he half whispered, half chuckled "Cute" in Korean and before I realized what had happened, he took my hands in his across the table. The feeling of electricity ran through my body and my mind paused to process what was happening before it screamed at me to let him go, that I shouldn't touch him. His breath hitched, it was subtle, but I noticed and wondered if he felt the same feeling. I tried to let him go but he kept me there, comforting but firm, locking his gaze with mine and I could feel myself melting. “I… know how you feel. I’m idol… but I’m human, like you, ok? 10 fingers, like you…” He rubbed the palms of my hands with his thumbs, tracing across my fingers with his “A beating heart, like yours” He pulled me closer, across the table and pressed my open hand over his heart. It was beating fast, possibly even faster than mine. “Why you Jagi? Why not the girl I saw on our concert, she was cute too. Singing, dancing, rapping, like you…” He paused and gulped, eyes flickering from my eyes to lips since I got significantly closer from him pulling me over the table. “You are… special, you are something else… Noona” He breathed out the last word, face flushing and let his tongue flick out, licking his lower lip before softly biting down on it, a shaky breath leaving his mouth. The warm, playful feeling that we’d had going on was blown away and I felt something else resonating in me. I’d never had an age kink, especially not on guys younger than me, but the way Hongjoong looked at me with the same intense look a predator had watching its prey, lit a flame in my body and I felt how my pulse picked up. The primal feeling of want and lust drenched me like a cold shower, the hair on my neck standing. He bit his tongue and gave me a look that reminded me of how he’d look at stage. He could feel what I felt, and he knew, was so sure of his charisma that it made him cocky. This was dangerous, the air around us suffocated me, his whole being had changed instantly and I didn’t yet know if I was nervous or excited. My tongue darted out to wet my lips and his fingers found their way to my face, stroking softly down my cheekbone with his fingertips, butterfly light over my throat to my neck where he stopped to grab a handful of hair. I choked out a moan and he chuckled breathlessly. “So sensitive. Good girl” He praised and guided my hand to his chest again, pressing it there for me to feel his racing heart again, encouraging me to come closer. “Not here, come” I said, and he followed in my steps as I guided us to the office in the back. I turned around with my back against the edge of the writing desk, the sight of him taking off his coat and throwing it to the side, running a hand through his hair and biting his lower lip, undressing me with his eyes already, made my knees weak. He slammed the door behind him close, hard enough to make the walls rattle and I clenched the edge of the desk behind me, thrilled and nervous. The light in the ceiling remained turned off, the only light in the room came from the window behind me, where natural soft light flowed in. He caught me in his arms and lift me up on the desk, separating my legs by standing between them. His forwardness made it hard to breathe and I gasped when he held onto me, the feeling of his skin against mine, made me shudder. How many times hadn’t I dreamed about this moment? For us to get lost in one another, devastated and ravaged until we couldn’t think. How many times hadn’t I fantasized about feeling like I did right now when his mouth placed butterfly kisses on my throat, his hands on my hips and mine pulling on his hair, my eyes towards the ceiling and my arousal already burning in my core. “Ah, Noona” He moaned in my ear and I gasped, placing my hands around his waist, urging him to come closer. He placed a hand on my chest, pushing on me to lay down and I inhaled sharply at the weight of him on my body, his lean figure pressing on me. I could feel how the muscles in his abdomen clenched to keep him up and make sure that I had breathing room. The picture I had of him changed in an instant. Hongjoong was strong, the parts of him that wasn’t lean was pure muscles and I shuddered. Both because the very apparent boner that poked against me and the realization that if he wanted to, he could do whatever he wanted to me, my own strength not even comparable. My legs rubbed against the sides of his hips wantonly and I pushed him forward with them slightly, grinding slowly. He realized, paused and locked gazes with me, suddenly shy that I could feel all of him. My stomach flipped and I feared that my neediness scared him, but I realized quickly that it wasn’t the case. The chocolate brown that previously had shined with cocky mischief and warm affection were now almost blown out. The black of his pupil had swallowed almost all. The tension between us could be cut by a butter knife and I gulped. The sound of it loud in the dead silent room. My heart was beating in my ears so loud that I was sure Hongjoong could hear it as well. “I’ve been waiting… to have you like this...” He brushed his hand over my cheek, and I leaned into his touch which earned me a small smile. “How did you know that this would happen?” I asked and he chuckled. “I hoped that you want me. We are 8. I’m lucky” I placed my arms around his neck, fingers playing with the long hair in the back, pulling on it softly, scraping my nails down his neck. He shivered involuntarily and I exhaled a smile, he was so sensitive to my touch. He was just about to dip down to place more kisses underneath my cheekbone again when the melody of a phone call made us both jump. He gave me a longing gaze that begged for forgiveness when he realized it was his that rang and took a step back away from my body. I immediately felt the loss of warmth and curled up on myself, sulky while he answered the call. I tried to not check him out but damn, he was making it hard for me, strutting around in those military boots, a clear dent in his pants still. My fingers itched to give myself some release, but I fought against the reflex, my arousal tense like a cord. I sat up again, still watching him with hooded eyes. Hongjoong answered the other person with a pout on his lips, a pout that soon changed into him biting his own tongue when he realized the intensity, I was watching him with. He finished the call, muttering things that sounded like swear words. He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “I… have to go. It was my manager; I must go back. We have… how do you say it… we can’t be outside alone for long" “Curfew?” I asked, a bit sad. My arousal still burning uncomfortable between my legs while Hongjoong nodded solemnly. The disappointment on his face made me yearn for him even more and I sighed, knowing there was nothing I could do. The sudden silence was deafening, and I felt tears in my eyes. Was this it? My dream, this moment, over? I know that I was the luckiest any Atiny had ever been but at the same time it sort of felt like I'd been desperately let down. “Don’t feel sad Jagi, I…” Hongjoong started and I was happy that he’d changed back to calling me Jagi, fearing that I’d jumped him then and there if he called me Noona again, “I’m not supposed to but maybe…” He grabbed a block of sticky notes at the desk and wrote down a number, and two names, “This is my room, my manager, and my… fake name. I have staff in the reception” He told me the name of the hotel and made me repeat it a few times to make sure that I remembered it. He gave me another look of longing, put on the cap that had been resting on the table we sat at and fished the face mask out of the pocket of his jacket. “Two hours Jagi” He said, and I could only nod, excitement making my heart pound. I unlocked the door and let him out, before collecting my own stuff and was out the door in the same moment I saw him rounding a corner.

..........

I’d taken a shower, thankful to the manager I’d been cursing earlier, feeling more confident while clean. I looked over my collection of underwear and lingerie. Was there really something that was too much in a moment like this? As much as I wanted to make him speechless, I didn't want it to seem like I was dressing up too much. Like he’d said before, we were both human. I scoffed, frustrated because time was ticking, and I'd rather die than being late. I reasoned back and forth with myself finally deciding that I only had one chance to make an impression and the matching black set that I only saved for special occasions hugged me in all the right places, the lace and cotton soft on my skin. I decided on simple black slacks and a woollen grey sweatshirt, blow dried my hair and put on basic makeup. If things went as I hoped, I didn't want to leave half a face of makeup in his bed. Time passed quickly and soon the taxi I’d called the moment I got home, waited for me. I took a final glance in the mirror in my hallway, my heart pounding with excitement. I told the hotel name to the driver and we were there in less than 15 minutes. It was a five star one and the taxi driver gave me a subtle look of suspicion, checking out my clothes while I paid, as if I wore a cocktail dress underneath. My hands shook a little when I entered the reception, holding onto the sticky note Hongjoong had given me as if it was my lifeline. As I closed in on the desk, I remembered that I didn’t had an idea how Hongjoong’s manager looked like. I never got a good look at him when he was taking those photos outside in the rain earlier today and when I scanned the reception, no one there looked even remotely like him. My heart sank like a boulder to the bottom of my stomach. I was not going to give up, however and decided that I’d fight my way in if I had too. I started with the woman at the desk. She gave me a small pleasant smile, more so because she had to than her being happy to see me, eyes scanning my clothes with the same suspicion as the taxi driver. “Hi, there is someone I'm looking for. He’s supposed to show me to a room?” The woman squinted at me, a curious look of perplexity and concern in her eyes which quickly changed when I handled her the note with the name and supposed alias. She gave me the kind of respectful and slightly jealous smile that you’d give a person that’d just won something and reached for the phone on her desk. She called out a name and within 10 seconds a man excited an elevator at our left. I recognized him and he called out for me with an awkwardly long distance between us. “Hey beautiful girl, come with me” I wanted to sink through the floor when at least 15 people turned their heads towards us and I hung my head, embarrassed. “The note” The manager ordered as soon as the doors closed and I gave him the sticky note, he looked at it from a longer distance than needed, as if he was farsighted but refused to wear glasses. He nodded and gave it back to me, “You should be honoured. You’re the first on this tour, he has been holding out surprisingly long, considering we’ll be done in a few days” My whole body froze to ice when he mentioned that I was the first one, meaning that there had been others in the past and most likely would be more in the future, probably more than he could remember. I cursed my stupid heart for thinking just for a second that I was special in any way. He was an idol, and with the look and charisma he had, fans were ready to serve themselves on silver plates for him. Just like I'd done. The manager noticed the change of mood and reassured me, “Don’t worry, you might still be the only one this time, it has happened before” “Thank you” I forced out, just as the elevator stopped, the words left a bad taste in my mouth. “Go left and then right at the next corner” The manager said and bowed slightly. I bowed back, simply because it felt better since he was my elder. The feeling of conflict weighed on my shoulders. I walked down the corridor, my steps heavy, pausing when I reached the door and I checked again if I was at the right room. I stared at it, debating on whether to knock or just turn away and forget about this whole situation. I didn’t want to be just one of many, no one did, and it didn’t matter that he was an idol. Everyone wanted to imagine that they were special. Was the reward good enough? I asked myself. I felt like my heart was breaking and tears threatened to swell over. But if I walked away now, he’d find someone else and I honestly couldn’t live with the fact that I could’ve had the night of my life. I took a deep breath and tapped at my tear canals, as if the movement would force the them back. I knew that this was one night, and then he’d be gone. This was their first time in Europe, and I was hellbent on being the only one he’d come back to. Telling myself this as a mantra helped and I knocked on the door. Only a few seconds passed before it was pulled open and he was standing there, looking as wonderfully ethereal as a dream. He’d changed as well, wearing a grey dress shirt and black slacks, only socks and barefaced. I wet my lips, wondering how I even considered walking away. He smirked, gave me a playful look and I swallowed down the nervous feeling that threatened to take my voice away, “We’re matching” He said, voice amused and husky and chuckled when I realized as well, “We sure do” my voice shook a little from the pressure of choking down tears earlier and the anxiety of my thoughts. I wanted, needed for him to remember me and only me. Ready to seduce him with every might in my body, I turned it into a play that immediately turned out to be harder than I thought when Hongjoong’s expression changed. A look of worry made his eyebrows furrow and mouth to be pressed into a thin line as he stood aside to invite me in. “Are you ok?” He asked and the concern felt like an arrow to the heart. I paused with my answer as I entered the room, everything from the cream coloured walls to the crisp white sheets on the bed spoke of luxury and I glanced out the window. We were on the 20th floor and the city lights was like an ocean underneath us. I nodded slightly before taking a deep breath, talking while exhaling. “Yeah, I’m fine” Hongjoong sat down on the bed, legs crossed, and I bit down on my lip, imagining how he’d look, laying on his back, hair sprawled across the pillow and the same blown out black eyes he’d had earlier at my cafe. I licked my lips and fought the urge to jump him then and there. He motioned with his head to the place next to him and I felt a familiar flame crackling in the pit of my stomach. “Tell me” His voice had a dead serious tone and I realized I’d been busted, “My members don't like talk. But... I know" I pressed my lips together, feeling how my ears flushed red from the shame. I looked down at my hands, the anxiety made my hearth race. I took a deep breath and decided to just get it over with it. Hongjoong was determined and I know that there wasn’t an idea to try and convince him. “Can I… be your only one in Europe?” I muttered and Hongjoong squinted, not able to pick up a word I said. I looked away; my heart pounded so fast that I could hear it in my ears. I fell back on the bed in a weak escape attempt from his burning eyes and looked up at the white ceiling instead, taking a deep breath while I felt my face heating up, “I said, can I be your only one in Europe?” “My only one?” he repeated, puzzled. I imagined the small wrinkle that showed up between his eyebrows when he didn't understand something but refused to look at him, scared that I'd chicken out and be unable to continue, “Your manager told me, that I was the first on this tour. He seemed surprised, almost impressed that you’d managed to hold on for so long and I really thought that I…” I swallowed, and sighed heavily, trailing off, “I’m just stupid, imagining things that weren’t there… I'm, I'm sorry… I’m making a fool out of myself” I hid my face in my hands feeling how the flush had crept down my neck, ashamed of the whole situation. I felt the bed dip and I could hear how he moved over to my head, carefully removing my hands from my face, a small smile on his lips. Eyes crinkled with warmth and I gasped breathlessly as his touch send ripples across my skin. “I said before, I like talking...” My eyebrows furrowed and I looked over at him as he scooted back slightly to lean against the headboard of the bed, “I talk with Atiny… I surprise… them, we talk” I could hardly believe my own ears, was this really what the manager thought we were going to do as well? Just talk? Was it just my own nasty thoughts that believed him to have a girl in every capital? I felt even more ridiculous than before; I had seriously been on my way of walking out on a fantasy I'd had for 6 months because Hongjoong was a sweetheart who cared about his fans. “Told you, you are special Jagi. If you want, you will be the only one... this time” He smiled from ear to ear and I could honestly cry but fought against it as he motioned for me to come up to him. I laid next to him instead, my head resting on his chest and his fingers in my hair and it felt like I was blushing from head to toe, “I choose you and I know I made the right choice” he whispered now, leaving kisses and nuzzled into my hair. The pace of his heart picked up and looked up at him, only to get a kiss on the forehead instead. I bit down on my lips from the sudden sweet gesture, holding back the shyness that flooded through my body. Hongjoong chuckled softly and lied down properly, pulling me on top of him. The sweet moment was over in an instant as the sudden change of position send small shockwaves through my body. His hands on my hips felt like they were made to be there. I supported myself with one hand on his chest, feeling his heart fluttering like a trapped sparrow underneath. I couldn’t help but reach forward to swipe a strand of hair from his forehead and his brows furrowed like I’d burned him, he chewed softly on his bottom lip, eyes hooded. “Noona…” He whispered and I hummed a response, “I choose you because I hope you can… teach me” “Teach you?” I couldn’t help but ask as I leaned forward, planting a kiss just below his ear, where his carotid artery was. His pulse just next to it picked up in speed and I continued. My kisses sloppy mixed with soft nibbles and soon he was gasping underneath me. “Noona, please listen” He whined but I didn't, couldn’t. I loved the sounds he made and simply couldn’t control myself as I started to unbutton his shirt. I only undid one or two before I was manhandled to the side so that we switched positions, him holding me down at my wrists and coming dangerously close to my face, locking his eyes with me and I choked out a gasp. “Listen” He ordered, dominance radiating from his whole body as he pushed his entire weight on me and I submitted without question, his eyes black and hooded, and his half hard cock pushing against my clothed cunt. I gulped, the burn that my arousal emitted made me want to rub my legs together and I fought against it. The man that had been writhing underneath me was gone and I felt like this version of him was a force that could not be reckoned with. “I…” He paused, closing his eyes as his cheeks flushed but I didn't dare to make fun of his embarrassment now, “I have never… I mean, I have been close but never” He wet his lips, closed his eyes and took a deep breath before locking his gaze with mine again, “You are... my first” I choked on my breath, it felt as if I’d been punched in the stomach and Hongjoong looked away, ashamed of his lack of experience. My heart swam over with affection. I didn’t care whether it was about the time or opportunity or that he’d been saving himself up for a special moment, this was it. With me. I’d punch the air in victory but decided it was inappropriate and my conscious silence seemed to bring him down. I wet my lips and cupped his face in my hands. “Words can’t explain how happy you just made me. It’s an honour, and I know how I sound but you… you’re perfect, you’re lips, your eyes, your nose” My fingers brushed against his lower lip before traveling down his sides, “And this body…” My fingers reached forward, and I continued to unbutton his shirt, slowly, like I was opening a gift and I paused after pulling it over his shoulders. I’d imagined this moment more times than I could remember but nothing, not my wildest dream could compare with how he looked. He bit his lip still a bit shy but loving the attention I gave him, drank my desire for him like it was the only thing he craved and I placed my hands on his chest, feeling the muscles underneath the soft skin on his stomach, flex under my touch, “You’ve dreamed about today, I’ve dreamed for 6 months, about you…” I planted kisses on his throat again, earning a sharp inhale that turned into a gasp as my hands travelled across his chest, muscles clenching again under my light touches and I bit my lips at the sight, “Imagined you a thousand times, imagined a moment like this, getting myself off with a photo of you in my hand, never be able to have a one night stand without fantasizing that they were you” I raised my legs and rubbed my inner thighs against his hip, finally submitting to my own lust as my hands reached for my shirt before I pulled it off. A sharp inhale and his breathing sped up as he gazed down on me with hooded eyes. I took his hand and placed it on my hip, guided it down my thigh to the place between my legs where I craved his touch. “Why don’t you find out how wet I am for you?” Something snapped inside of him and he cupped my face, almost threatening to hurt us both with the level of intensity as he finally pressed our lips together. I gasped at the feeling, letting out a small sob and he growled almost animalistic in response, grabbing a handful of my hair to pull me closer, licking his way into my mouth and I obliged. He tasted like americano and toothpaste and I drank him up, gasping against his lips. It was sloppy, all lips and licks and nibbles and the sound of us bounced on the walls and I got drunk on it, on him. The desperate sounds he made as he softly grinded down on me drove me crazy and I responded with his movement, rolling my body against his, the smell of his cologne surrounding me made me weak and I took deep breaths of it, tried to memorize the smell of him in my mind. With one hand still in my hair, the other stroked down the side of my body and I flinched, slightly ticklish. He chuckled into the kiss and stroked down my skin again, putting in more pressure this time. “Fuck” I gasped for air against his lips, his hands where all over me, eager fingers slipping into the edges of my pants and he moaned against me when my fingers travelled from his chest, over his navel and the button of his slacks, finally cupping him over his pants. I couldn’t help but gasp when I got a better understanding of how big he was, licking my lips and gulped, my arousal coiling and butterflies of excitement fluttering in my stomach like something was chasing them. He didn’t waste a second and began to immediately dry humping my hand, greedy for the friction he craved. My heart jumped and I couldn't help but gasp again at his impatient action. “Noona… tell me what to do” He whined, keen on giving me as much of him as I gave him of me. I reached behind me and unclasped my bra but didn’t have to give him instructions before he leaned down and flicked one of the sensitive buds into his mouth, sucking lightly and let his teeth graze against them, a playful smile on his face when he looked up at me from underneath long lashes. Playfully teasing the other with his fingertips before switching. I was a gasping mess within seconds, fingers burrowed into his hair, pressing him closer and begging him not to stop. “You sure you haven’t done this before?” I asked, voice shaky and he chuckled, deep and guttural as he held me in place. My mind flashed back to a few moments earlier when we talked about my feelings and he was the sweetest person I’d ever talked to. That man was blown away and Hongjoong, the man that seemed possessed while performing, the one that had thousands upon thousands of girls quaking, had taken over. He was here, between my thighs, rutting against me without a plan to stop and my heart pounded in my ears, on its way of bursting with bliss and ecstasy. My lips found his again, and he panted between the kisses, lost in a trance, his body shaking as he grinded down on me again and I moaned, tears formed in my eyes from arousal. “Tell me what you want me to do” I whispered while planting wet kisses against his collarbone. He was unstoppable now, a complete mess and I pulled on the lining of his pants. Korean sputtered from his lips in a desperate rant and I interrupted, “English please” “Help me” He choked out, making eye contact with me and I choked on air. Eyes glazed over and cheeks flushed pink so gone in his own lust that it drove me crazy. I didn’t waste a second and pulled down the zipper of his slacks before closing it around his hard cock. He cried out, face contorted, mouth open and his face burrowed in the crook of my neck as if he was ashamed with how lost he was already. I gave his cock a few tugs and my mouth watered as I imagined how he would feel inside me. “Please, please…” Hongjoong gasped and pushed on my shoulders. Any other words weren’t needed, and I rolled us around again, so that I was on top. I kissed his collarbone, down his chest and stomach, taking my sweet time and lapping and nibbling on his skin as I went, soaking up the sound he made. The last kiss was placed just below his navel before I made eye contact with him again as I closed my hand around his cock again. He bit his lip, head thrown back at the pillows and his hair sprawled out on it as beautifully as I thought it would. He left me breathless and now it was up to me to do the same to him as I took him into my mouth without a second thought. What sounded like a whole list of swear words in Korean fell from his lips as the tip of his cock hit the back of my throat. I hollow my cheeks and pressed up my tongue at the underside of him before licking my way up to the slit where I dipped my tongue. I couldn’t help but let out a moan at the taste, his taste, and felt my eyes tearing up as I watched him lose control. My own arousal was soaking my panties, but I didn’t care, placing all my focus on the man writhing underneath me. I went down on him again, repeating my action, bopping my head up and down, slowly but surely dipping him lower and lower into my throat until my nose touched his pubic bone. I swallowed around him, focusing on breathing slowly through my nose, saliva coating my chin and I looked up again, making eye contact with him. His eyes glossy, lips red from biting into them too hard, panting out short breaths and face and chest flushed pink and I moaned to the sight of him, sending ripples across his skin as he felt the vibrations of it, just laying there and taking all that I gave him. He placed his hand in my hair, gently and I melted in it, bopping my head again and he thrust up once, slightly to see if I minded. I usually did, but this was different, I knew that I wasn't going to be his only one. For this tour maybe, but I was going to be the first of many. He was just testing his waters with me and I was hellbent on making a perfect example on just how you were going to do it so that he never, no matter how many he’ll end up sleeping with, would find someone that was as good as me. So, I let him, and the thrusts got deeper, his hand pushing me down on his cock, using me only to get himself off and I could feel tears running down my cheeks from the stress it was causing in my throat. “Noona… please… I’m…” I paused, swallowed him down into my throat again and watched as he came undone, face contorted, his other hand twisting the sheets, body convulsing underneath me as hot spurts of cum ran down my throat and I choked and let him go before I could swallow. He cursed, hair tousled, chest heaving and cock twitching still, and I snapped a picture of this moment in my mind to carry with me. The sight of him in the tears of my eyes as magical as an aurora. I gave him a minute to come down from his high and felt my heart flutter when he opened his eyes again, meeting mine and rolled them at the sight of me, his tongue flicking out to wet his lips as he smirked. He pulled himself up to meet my lips again, kissing me chastely, teasingly and I swallowed, my heart pounding as he pushed gently on my chest. As soon as my back hit the bed, he was on top of me again, tasted my lips and moaning at the taste of himself on them. He let his mouth travel and placed butterfly kisses from my neck to my belly button, each of them leaving me shaking for more and I choked when he finally popped the button to my slacks. Taking the moment to fully undress himself as well. My panties were soon to follow, and he grinned from ear to ear when he realized how soaked they were. I hide my face in my hands, clenching my legs together, embarrassed by his eyes on me as he threw our clothes aside, voice hoarse and deep. “Let me see” He rubbed my thighs comfortingly and I separated them, earning a guttural growl from him when he finally saw my naked self, and the effect that he had on me. His fingers traced the inner side of my thighs and I clenched around nothing, so sensitive that the butterfly touches almost hurt. “Tell me…” He said, needing guidance in how I wanted him to proceed. “Touch me” I managed to get out and pressed two fingers at my clit, lazily rubbing myself, melting under my own touch. I grabbed Hongjoong’s hand and he mimicked me with the two fingers. I guided him and choked out a sob as the feeling of being filled exploded my senses when he reached beyond the folds, pushing his fingers knuckles deep into me. He seemed surprised by my reaction, thinking he’d hurt me and flinched away, but I kept him there, still with my hand around his wrist, “It’s good, don’t stop” I cried out softly, and felt my eyes roll back as I pumped his fingers. A gasp emitted from his lips at my sudden neediness, and he got the idea quickly, softly removing my hand and picking up the speed. “Good?” He asked and I nodded frantically, never wanting him to stop. My breathing uneven. “Can I… taste?” He met my eyes, black from lust and I couldn’t help but look down, gulping when I realized that he was already half hard again. Damn, I’d missed youngers guys and their infinite stamina. I nodded again, “Yes, God yes. Please” He bit down a smile of amusement at my enthusiasm before going down on me, pressing his tongue flat over my cunt, humming at the taste of it, still with his fingers inside me, his movements slower and I sobbed, bucking into his mouth. My reaction seemed to encourage him because he took another lick, pressing his nose against my pubic bone, a small smirk on his lips as he began eating me out and God, was the boy a natural. I was shaking within a minute, the sound of slurping as he drank my juices made my legs turn into jelly and stomach clench. He gently sucked my clit into his mouth, and I was a writhing mess underneath him. He came up for air, wet chin and hooded eyes and I felt my eyes tearing up from the vision. He noticed my intense stare and licked his lips, loving the taste and asked, “Did you dream? About this?” I bit my lower lip, nodding, not trusting my own voice at all and he smiled, a warmth in it that left me breathless. He slowed down his movements again and I really thought that was it but Hongjoong had other thoughts as he laid his other hand flat on the lower part of my stomach, letting out a small “Woah” and I chuckled at his reaction, “I can feel” he said, fascination in his voice and I smiled, a smile that changed into a groan when he dived back in for another taste, keeping his hand on my stomach, putting pressure on my uterus while at the same time pulling the hood on my clit up to make it more accessible . There is no way he hadn’t done this before, but I couldn't be bothered how right now, only thankful that he had the knowledge as he threatened to push me over the edge. His grunting became louder with mine and I raised myself up on my elbows, curious, only to curse when I noticed how he, in pure frustration, humped the bed, desperately craving friction. The look of him, so wantonly lost in his lust and him softly sucking on my clit again send me over and I grabbed his arm as I came, convulsing under his touch. He drank me up before pulling his fingers out of me, a look of fascination in his eyes when he separated his fingers and a string of cum connected them. He put the fingers into his mouth, sucking on them like he wanted to have every drop of me, and I gulped as he gave me a look, still with his fingers in his mouth. He went back with the same fingers, smearing the wetness there before bringing said fingers to my lips, I obliged and took them in my mouth. His eyes blinked, eyelids heavy and on half-mast as he suppresses a moan behind clenched teeth. He climbed on top of me, not giving me a chance to breathe, before he caught my lips, mouth open to welcome my tongue and I groaned at the feeling of us finally laying skin to skin, his weight on me so good that I had a hard time controlling myself. “Ah, wait” Hongjoong suddenly exclaimed and jumped off the bed to a shopping bag in the sofa at the other side of the room. He pulled out a package of condoms and I bit down on my finger to suppress a giggle at his adorableness, the mixed feelings of wholesomeness and devastation crossing in my stomach as he stood there, in all his glory. Honeyed skin, lean muscles, the long hair that reached passed his shoulders and cock stiff like a rock, blood filled red and smeared with pre-cum. I scooted up to the headboard, throwing myself on the pillow and reached down to play with myself, taking in every part of him and took a mental snapshot. Hongjoong finally looked up, not any wiser with the wrapper and took a shaky breath at the sight of me. He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth before chewing it softly and I reached out for him as he joined me on the bed again. I broke the package and then showed him how to put it on, earning a gasp as I rolled it down. I laid down again, separating my legs and he placed himself between them. He leaned forward, grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers as I guided him in, cm by cm, adjusting to the sudden size and he burrowed his head in the crook of my neck, a cry erupted from his lips. I held my breath, and my back arched when he was finally sheathed inside me, the soles of my feet on his back, pushing him until he was balls deep. Shaky puffs of air in my ear made my skin prickle and I rubbed my thighs on the sides of his hips, stroking his chest with the hand that wasn’t being held and the touch seemed to wake him from the spell he was under because he snapped his hips, just slightly but I choked on my breath from the friction. He repeated the movement, more and more bold with every snap of his hips and soon he was thrusting into me, deep and dangerously slow. He cupped my face with his free hand and pressed his lips upon mine, it was sweet, loving and I turned into putty in his arms, rolling my body with his. I moaned with him as he picked up speed, locking his gaze with me as he pounded me into the mattress, his hand cupping my face still. “God Noona… so beautiful” I whined and grabbed a handful of his hair, pulling him down to my lips again, softly nibbling on the bottom and he inhaled sharply at the surprise. “Don’t be bad girl” He chuckled but I saw how a different fire had lit up in his eyes when I did that and I was going to push it as far as I could. I took the hand that cupped my cheek and placed it on my neck instead and he almost paused as I made him close his hand around it. His mouth fell open and his eyebrows raised, a cocky expression and I inhaled sharply when he picked up his speed again, showing no signs of getting tired. I reached between our bodies and pressed down on my clit, my head falling back against the pillow at the euphoric feeling of him so deep within me. The shortness of my breath spurring him on as he caressed my neck with his thumb. He licked his lips before leaning down again, darting his tongue out to lick across my lower lip before meeting mine and it was so sloppy and nasty, our breathing mixing together and I was close, I could feel it in my core desperately pushing down on my clit, Hongjoong looked like he wasn’t far from tipping over the edge as well. A few more thrusts and strokes over the hood of my clit and I fell, harder than I'd done ever before, my hearing blown out, body shaking and my vision blurring. “Hongjoong” I gasped out on the top of my high and he sobbed into my shoulder when hearing his name slip from my lips. It only took a few more seconds and he was gone as well, head thrown back and he screamed silently as I felt his cock twitching inside of me. He collapsed on top of me, breathing hard into my ear and I closed my arms around his back in an embrace. He nuzzled into my neck, mindlessly placing a kiss there and I giggled softly at the ticklish feeling. We lay there for a few more seconds until the overstimulation of being inside of me became too much and he pulled out, earning a groan from both of us, before rolling off the bed, feet light on the floor as he walked to the bathroom. He motioned me to join him and I entered the room as he discarded the condom in the wastebin underneath the basin before he started the shower. He extended his hand and pulled me under the shower head, the other hand placed on my hip and a sudden domestic feeling washed over me as he reached for the soap, helping me with my back and shoulders, massaging them softly. I returned the favour, his hair reached longer than expected when straight and wet and I combed my fingers through it, earning a small moan of satisfaction. He turned around, and I could hear myself gasp still not believing that I got to share this moment with him, and he smiled, giving me a peck on the mouth before placing his arms around me, "Thank you, Jagi" I swallowed, realizing that this was the beginning of the end and felt tears collecting under my eyes, thankful that we were standing under the shower, "No, thank you… for trusting me and for giving me your first time" I rubbed the tears that threatened to fall out of my eyes, determined not to cry. We dried up and I was just about to reach for my clothes when Hongjoong's hand on my arm stopped my movements. "Stay?" He asked and gulped, voice almost a whisper and I looked up at him, surprised but over the moon and I could only nod as he led us to the bed again, pulling the covers around our bodies. He held me close, took the role as the big spoon and intertwined our hands over my chest. He placed a kiss on the nape of my neck, and I took a deep breath, feeling my heart racing from the butterflies in my stomach, endorphins pumping my brain full of serotonin and I leaned back against his chest, feeling his breathing as his chest rose. "Sleep Jagi, I'm here" Hongjoong whispered in my ear and I melted at his words, letting my body relax.

..........

I suddenly woke up not even realizing that sleep had overtook me, it was still dark outside, the room slightly illuminated by the moonlight above and city underneath, bathing us in dim lighting. I guessed that I'd only slept for a few hours. A groaning made me aware of what woke me up and I turned around, just as Hongjoong caught my gaze. His eyes were glossed over and his breath caught in his throat when he realised, he'd been busted. I licked my lips, my arousal turning on like a light switch and I reached my hand underneath the covers, placing my hand on his chest, trailing my fingers down his frame, earning a pitched gasp. He was fucking his own hand, pulling on himself while grinding, movements erratic and I wondered how long he must've been awake, watching me and slowly losing his composition. I swatted his hand away and he let out a moan when my fingers closed around him instead. His eagerness, the clenched eyes and biting at his own lips, savouring the feeling, had me wet in seconds, the burn ticking between my legs made me squirm. He groaned as I let him go to push a finger inside myself to make sure that I was wet and slick for him. The dirty look he’d send me changed soon as I climbed on top of him. He inhaled shakily, placing his hands on my hips, and I could feel him shaking from controlling his need to grind up against my ass. "I have an IUD, it's like a condom but already inside me. We could do it without… I understand if you don’t want to… but I'm healthy and I can't get pregnant… it's your choice" He sucked his lip into his mouth, eyes heavy and cheeks flushed at my proposition, his cock twitching at the thought of coming inside of me and I licked my lips, resisting the urge to roll my body back against him as he nodded, his hands gripping my waist harder as he rose me up. I guided him in, my head thrown back and my breath came out in short pants as I felt him naked inside me. Hongjoong let out a choked sob from the feeling of being so deep into me again and I clenched around him, teasing him and he inhaled sharply, bucking his hips into me, head thrown back, blinded by lust. He pulled at my waist, encouraging me to move and moaned, guttural and hungry as I did just that. I placed a hand on the bedpost, the other in his hair as I ride him, arching my back and he placed both hands on my ass, helping me with the rhythm, his breathing laboured. He wouldn't last long, already ahead of me before we even started and I pushed my hand between us to furiously rub my clit, racing the finish line with him. I leaned down to catch his lips and he cried into my mouth, the thrusting irregular and offbeat and I clenched around him, urging him on as my tongue met his in another open kiss. His hands on me tightened and I brushed away hair that stuck to his forehead just in time to see his face contorted, just a beautifully as it had the first time. His back arching and head burrowing back into the pillow as he stilled his movements, his whole body tensing up from shooting his cum deep into me and I gasped at the feeling, riding out his orgasm, milking him completely dry. He pushed me away soon after and I was only offended for the few seconds it took for him to place himself between my legs. I gasped as he wasted no time, pushing three fingers into my cumfilled cunt, smirking from ear to ear at the squelching sound it made and my fingers immediately pushed down on my clit, happy that he'd noticed and was down to taking care of my orgasm as well. He pushed me over the edge faster than I wanted to admit, praising me with soft words and making sure to not leave my body until I was down from my high. We breathed deep for a minute before he leaned down, placing a soft kiss on my lips, "Sorry" his voice deep and husky and I sighed a smile, not believing what his was saying. "For waking me up?" I asked, eyebrows raised, and he nodded, an apologetic expression on his face and I cupped his face in my hand. He leaned into it, eyes closed, taking a deep breath and the intimacy of it made my heart jump. My other hand combing through his messy hair, small beads of sweat had collected at the roots and I could help but kiss him again, keeping him there for a little longer than necessary, breathing through the nose and revelling in the feeling of his lips pressed against mine, my hand combing through his hair again, pulling on it softly and he took a shaky breath against my lips. He leaned over me, supporting himself with one hand and placed the other on my chin, forcing my mouth open with his thumb, deepening the kiss, sneaking his tongue into my mouth. I couldn't help but moan, my hands traveling from his head, down his ribcage to his waist where I pushed him closer to me. He took another shaky breath, his hand on my chest, feeling my heart picking up speed. I got drunk on him, his taste, his smell, the way his body moved against mine send ripples over my body and I could feel how goose bumps covered my skin. He chuckled at my reaction, spurred on by it, sipped on my desire like a fine wine, his hands and lips moving over my body, making me come undone. I placed my legs over his waist, and he dug his fingers into my thighs, leaving my lips to sit up, basically pulling my lower half into his lap. I groaned at his impatient yearning, relished in him getting this worked up for me again, barely any pause in this never-ending appetite of his. I met his eyes, pupils dilated, and I could feel his heartbeat ticking in his wrist where he held me down. He looked ashamed again and I felt how his half-hard cock poked against my entrance as he broke eye contact. I was quick this time though, not letting him escape, cupped his face and turned his head so that he looked at me again. “It’s ok” “I can’t control myself… not with you… like this” He groaned, breath shaky and he bit down hard on his lower lip, threatening to draw blood when I couldn’t help myself from spreading my legs and he gulped at the sight of me, wet and lost in indulgence. Cum from our previous session oozed out and I pressed two fingers against my clit, back arched involuntarily as pleasure shot through my body. His grip on me tightened, a moan escaping his lips and I felt him twitching against me, pearls of pre-cum dripped from the tip and smeared on my inner thigh. My heart fluttered at the sight of him losing it again, eyes black from the incitement and I choked on my breath when his hands rubbed circles towards my waist, taking a hold of them instead. I met his eyes, nodding silently as he lined up, keeping the eye contact as he entered me for the third time this night and I muffled a cry by biting down on my lower lip, feeling like I was going to explode. His hand reached for mine and I grabbed it, lacing our fingers together as he paused. The feeling of being fully inside me again made him shudder and he paused to feel the sweet moment of just staying connected again. It was different this time, the intimate feeling that radiated between us made my heart clench and I pulled him down for a kiss before urging him to move with a snap of my hips. The obscene sound of cum leaking out of me to make place for his cock made him whine against my mouth, his thrusts hard and slow. He sat back up, head thrown back, the hand that wasn’t holding mine gripped my hip and he moved agonizingly slow, taking his time with me, watching my every reaction. A devilish smirk on his lips as he picked up the speed, and I cried out softly from the friction. But then he slowed down, almost immediately and choked out a chuckle when I swore at him. He adjusted, looking for my sweet spot and then groaned with satisfaction when I sharply inhaled, my fingers reaching between us again to lazily rub myself. He had a perfect view from his position, eyes flickering from my face and to his cock, watching how the lips of my cunt swallowed around him as he pounded my body into the mattress. I held into him, my breathing coming out in short pants. “So beautiful Jagi, my Jagi... mine” he whispered, letting go of my hip to place the hand over my cheek, engulfing my body with his to kiss my lips again and I sobbed into them, pouring every feeling I’d ever felt for him into that kiss. Every minute of every hour that I’d been cheering him on, wanting nothing but success for him, for them, never being able to do much more with a minimum wage and loans over my ears. Loving him, or at least the version he displayed for the fans, fascinated by his work ethic, his passion for the music, the way he did everything he did so effortlessly, be it rapping, singing, dancing or composing. Hoping and praying for him and his health for these past months and all it took was just a minute and he decided to share all that was him with me. I held onto him, breathing every word that I wanted to tell him, every feeling that I couldn’t express because I didn't want to push them on him. We shared a moment now, a moment that would change when the sun went up. “Don’t stop” I whispered, feeling how I was standing at the edge, ready to topple over at any second. He moaned, closing his hand around my throat in a soft grip, putting pressure on my windpipe with his thumb. There was a wildfire in those black eyes of his and it felt like I was dancing with the devil, and I threw my head back, submitting to the feeling of falling. Hongjoong choked out a gasp at the sight of me, picking up his speed to chase down his own high and I forced my eyes opened to watch him as he reached his limit. Mouth falling open, eyes squeezed shut and body involuntarily jolt against mine, erratic, filling me up again and I held onto him. The sight and my feelings shook me to the core and tears filled my eyes faster than I could stop them. He slumped against me, not bothering with the courtesy of holding himself up but I didn't mind. The pressure of his body on mine felt good and I bit onto my lips, my fingertips caressing his back and I looked out the window to see the moon lower than when I woke up. Just a couple of hours, two at most and the sun would be up. I swallowed and swallowed again, feeling how a big lump of anxiety formed there pushing my tears to fall and I blinked, tried to fight the feeling off but it couldn’t be helped. It only took a moment for Hongjoong to notice my uneven breathing and he hoisted himself up, scared that he’d hurt me, fear in his eyes and I waved my hand in front of me, “It’s not you, don’t go” I whined, cringing at my own desperation as I pushed him down on my body again with a hand on his back. He gave me a worried look, “Jagi…” he trailed off, not knowing how he could express his concern to me in English and I smiled, “I’m fine really, I just... “I looked out the window again and he followed my sight, “I don’t want to go back to sleep” He nodded, a sombre look on his face before he stood up and walked towards the bathroom. “Come” He ordered, and I followed him, feeling how the mixture of our cum trickled down my leg, hearing the shower faucet turn on. He turned away quickly as soon as I entered the lit-up room. Eyes strained at the bathtub as he adjusted the temperature before sitting down and made place between his legs, motioning for me to sit down as well. “If you want to clean” He gave me the shower head and looked away, holding the drain stopper in a death grip and my heart swelled with gratitude as I cleaned myself, holding back a moan when I realized the amount he’d put in my body. I could feel him tensing up behind me at the wet noises I produced, and I was impressed with the self-control he had. I handled him the shower head again and he gave me the drain stopper before putting on the faucet at full power, the lukewarm water nice and chill on my heated skin and I leaned back at his chest with my eyes closed. He moved away my hair from my shoulder, placing a kiss over my collarbone and I wanted to pause time, to put this memory in a treasure box and keep it safe so that I'd never forget it. Minutes passed as the bath filled up and I probably would’ve fallen asleep if the water was warm and my back would be pressed against anyone else then Hongjoong. His breathing was soft and regular against me and I was sure that he’d fallen asleep, but his voice told me different. He turned off the faucet, the water dangerously close to the edge and asked, embarrassment in his voice, “I never ask you, your name?” I snorted, amused as I realized the same thing and told my name without hesitation, smiling from ear to ear when he tried, and failed, to pronounce it. He asked me about my age, my family, both the one I was born into and the one I’d created with people closest to me, where I grew up. I asked back, curious about his life, about his pain and passion. We got up eventually and dried up, not stopping the endless conversation about everything from where the universe began to what I was going to watch on Netflix that evening. We were so lost in conversation that we didn’t realise the sun painting the sky a white yellow. The noise of knocking, however made us froze and the voice I recognized as Hongjoong’s manager said something in Korean that I couldn't make out, only guessing that he wanted him to wake up and get ready to continue traveling. Hongjoong answered and I could hear how the manager's shoes clambered away down the corridor. I looked out the window, first now realizing that time was up, “It’s time, Jagi” Hongjoong said what I was thinking and gave me a sad smile. I felt my heart broke, landing in the bottom of my stomach like glass shatters on stone floor, violently and piecing sharp and it was as if I got gutted, losing my breath completely as tears swelled over in my eyes, “Don’t cry Jagi, I promised. Only you this time, no one else” I nodded, feeling like I couldn't even swallow back my agony, the lump in my throat aching and I tried to breathe deep, to calm down, embarrassed by my reaction. This wasn’t a breakup; we’d had our moment, but I still felt empty as I took another deep breath and looked up. He took my breath away, standing in front of the window, the young morning sun like a halo surrounding him and I bit my lip as he took two fast steps toward me, embracing me with all his might before locking his lips with mine in one final kiss. I felt like we were in the climax of a movie, holding onto each other like two star struck lovers. He cupped my face, deepening the kiss and I sobbed breathlessly, tasting the salt from tears on my lips as he flushed his body against mine, gasping for air when my hands clasped the hair in the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me. We parted, eventually, panting for air, still holding onto each other. He moved a strand of hair that felled into my face, brows furrowed, wearing an expression of grief and I wondered silently if it was because he was going to miss the sex or if he felt the same electric feeling shooting through him, one that made his heart flutter and butterflies fly around like crazy in his belly, that I felt when I touched him. I decided that I didn't want the answer since both would only make it harder for me to leave. “I will see you again Jagi, I promise” He held out his pinkie and I took it, taking a deep breath and turning around to walk out. “Wait” He exclaimed and walked over to his travel bag, rummaged around for a bit before he pulled out a simple black sweatshirt, “It's cold… I trust you, this my favourite. Keep it… safe. Until next time” I pulled it over my head and the smell of him surrounded me and I couldn’t help myself from sniffing the collar, his perfume present and I nodded, “I will” He gave me a smile and I opened the door, looking both ways to see if the coast was clear, giving Hongjoong one final look before stepping outside. “Bye Jagi” He said, and I swallowed again, “Bye” My voice broke and I looked away, my walking quick as I almost ran towards the elevator. Not being able to stay any longer.

2 months later and I was watching Tv when the notification signal on my phone went off. There was a new retweet from Ateez, originally from MPD, hashtagged #Ateez1stWin. My heart jumped and I watched the snipped of them blowing out the candles on a cake and my heart swelled, proud over them to get the recognition they deserved. My eyes lingered on Hongjoong, the red hair and white clothes made him seem unreal, like a dream. Sometimes I questioned that I ever met him that cold, rainy day in April and seeing him, them, like this, on their way to become famous artists only made the feeling more distant. Gifs of them kissing the cup appeared and someone tweeted "Finally these boys can have their phones back" with an angel emoji and I put away my phone just as it buzzed again, another notification dropping in and I suddenly remembered one of the last conversations we had the morning before my departure. I’d asked why he didn’t have his own phone and he explained, as well as he could, that it was something that all companies did to keep their trainees and rookies in shape and to work collectively towards one goal; A first win. My heart pounded when I opened the notification that was sent from an unknown number:

[15:06] Jagi?

[things-we-used-tc-share]

Something Wild

“If you’re lost where the lights are blinding,

caught and all the stars are hiding,

that’s when something wild calls you home,” -Something Wild, Lindsey Stirling

Warnings: A little teensy bit of sadness, not really angst though

Ship: Logince

Plot: Logan had been in a bit of a rut until he runs into a childhood friend and remembers what home feels like. 

Logan was extremely tired today. Actually, it wasn’t just today he’d felt tired for the past few weeks now; a new occurrence for him given that he keeps to his sleep schedule like a machine that plans dates and times perfectly. He’d not done anything new to his general life, and quite aptly deduced he was emotionally tired. Stressed and...lonely. 

He’d never had time for loneliness before, committed to the life of a man who very rarely interacted with others nor saw the light of day outside of his office walls. It was only natural, given that Humans are social animals, that eventually he would start to feel the effects of this. 

Logan did not like loneliness, nor boredom, nor the way his body aches when he wakes up like he hadn’t slept for a full nine hours. 

He pulls his headphones over his head and walks. The music makes him hum along as he traces his steps to a cafe not far from where he lives and works, he’d never been before but now was always a good time for a new experience. Even if that experience is the coffee shop around the corner. He sees a man wearing an apron who looks as though he wants to dissolve into the wall outside, smoking a cigarette and paying as little attention to everyone around him. He catches Logan’s eye and the designer offers a small smile of comfort. The stranger smiles back with a tired expression. 

The inside of the cafe is dimly lit, with fairy lights and soft lamps shaped like cacti and flamingos. He offers a short laugh as the combination should not work as well as it does. The walls are in shades of pastel blue, little pictures hanging on the walls for sale and couches in replacement of the usual chairs he’s used to seeing in this setting. “Hey there!” The barista, whose smile looks like it might break his face, gives an excitable wave “Welcome to the Pat-isserie! It’s a pun because my name is Patton and I own it,” 

Usually, Logan hates people who are sunshine and rainbows, but he slides his headphones completely off his ears to hand around his neck to pay attention to the overwhelmingly happy young man. “That’s clever,” He supplies helpfully “Could I get a cappuccino please?”

“Of course,” The man sets about making his order, but continues talking “I don’t think I’ve seen you here before, and I never forget a face,” Logan hums in response, watching as the other begins to make the drink at rapid speed, he can barely blink before the drink is placed on the counter. 

“It’s my first time here,” Logan confirms as the man begins tapping on the till “Card please,” With a hum, Patton pushes the card machine towards him “It’s quite atmospheric, calm music, nice pictures, aesthetically it’s pleasing,” The brunet beams in response.

“Thanks! I designed it myself, I figured I wanted a place I’d enjoy being in,”

“A wise decision,” He sips the drink, it’s really nice, and he’s very particular about his coffee. “I might come back sometime, thanks Patton,”

“No problem!” As he’s walking away he catches the other’s beaming smile and notices his own spirits lift a little. Perhaps a change of scenery was what he’d needed. He sets down in the corner with a book, placing the drink on the table as he relaxes and starts where he’d left off. He doesn’t get far in before he hears a sharp inhale and a slight squeal. 

“Logan Sanders?” He looks up, recognizing to some extent the other, but it takes him a second to register the older version of a familiar face. Same dark brown eyes, full lips, dark skin, but with stubble and hair pulled back into a bun with an undercut. Despite the sharper edges and taller height, he couldn’t quite forget a friend he’d all but abandoned. 

His own fault really. 

“Roman?” He mutters, dreading the encounter given his history. It was as if Roman had never realized the elder had just disappeared out of his life as he’s tugged into a hug. He’d grown, a lot, and he was certainly more muscular than when they’d last met as teenagers. Logan swallows and pats the other’s back. 

“Logan, oh my God, how are you?” His smile certainly hasn’t changed; Logan wondered if distance would have changed the way his heart skips a few beats in his chest but no, years later he still had this obnoxious infatuation. The elder sighs and offers a tired smile before sitting back down. 

“I’m good Roman,” His throat feels so dry. Are his hands shaking? His hands are shaking. “How are you?” He sounds almost robotic but Roman either doesn’t notice or doesn’t want to notice, as he starts to talk. He still talks at a hundred miles an hour with a smile on his face and his hands waving around as he tries to articulate his life. He’s an actor. Recently separated. Lives alone about five minutes away from here. Absolutely adores Patton’s cookies (Homemade) and he’s Vegan. And Gay. 

Logan feels like he’d just been sat in a lecture theatre and should have been taking notes by the time his old friend has run out of steam. “And look at you! You finally cut your hair! You’re paler than I remember,” The elder remembers how long and curly his hair had been and lets out a short laugh as he looks up at the much tamer curls, neatly trimmed. 

“I...uh...I run my own business, a studio actually, Design studio,” Logan smiles “I don’t get out much,” Roman laughs. Logan blushes. It really is a nice sound. That much had not changed.

“I’m just going to go order, don’t run away again,”

And there it was, Roman had not forgotten. Which meant he’d forgiven Logan. He watches the other man bounce up to the counter and greet Patton like an old friend; the urge to run is strong. This man now had an entire life, a life that didn’t involve Logan ruining it again. 

See when they were younger, teenagers to be exact but they’d known each other since they could talk, Logan had a bit of an issue. His parents had not been the kindest nor most loving and the only way he’d known how to win that love was to be clever. His entire life he’s been temperamental like his father, isolated like his mother and smarter than both of them. Roman had dealt with the other’s lack of emotional reception to situations and they’d simply accepted oddities as part of their friendship (Logan would grow older to realize it was an issue, not an oddity). 

And then he’d fallen in love with Roman. He’d never have admitted it then, instead, he did a 180-degree spin and ran far and fast away from the other, cut him out completely, breaking not only his own heart but Roman’s too. 

And yet here he was walking back towards him with the biggest smile on his face as though none of it ever happened. Despite the therapy he’d attended, he could not quite understand why Roman would be happy to see him. He gives in and asks him because it’s eating him alive. 

“Still as blunt as ever specs,” The smile on his face falters and he stares at the spoon as it turns in the cup. “You were my best friend Logan, I’ve missed you, no-one could compare to you,” Logan’s heart stops beating for a moment, all he can hear is static. 

It had never occurred to him that he’d meant as much to Roman as Roman had meant to him. 

“I’m sorry,” He mutters gently, closing his eyes “I panicked,” He doesn’t explain further, and he can tell by the way his old friend squeezes his hand that he’d always known why he’d run. Roman was the king of romance, and he was neither visually impaired nor as oblivious as he pretends to be sometimes. 

“I know, with your parents I would’ve panicked as well,” He sighs “But I’ve long since forgiven you, it was a long time ago and I’d known somehow, someday, I’d see you again, when you’ve finished having your years-long panic attack over your sexuality,” Logan blushes but he smiles, properly smiles for the first time in a long, long time. 

“I appreciate...” He trails off, he doesn’t even know what he’s trying to say “You,” He finally says “And your forgiveness, it means a lot and I don’t really deserve it, my situation may be understandable but that doesn’t mean I should’ve done it,”

“No you shouldn't, but I’m good at giving second chances,” His hand is so warm, resting on top of Logan’s “But you won’t get a third,” Logan’s smile felt like happiness, his body feels warmer, he feels warmer, like he’s finally found home. Again. 

“I can deal with that,”

(A week later, when he finally finds out how kissing Roman feels, and how his sadness seems to have flown away, he knows something had called him to that shop that day, something beyond his understanding)

@analogical-mess //  @unikornavenger // @mycatshuman // @creativity-killed-thekitten // @theresneverenoughfandoms //@charmingprincey//@aclickonapostwillchangeyourlife// @heck-im-lost //@k9cat//@stilljittery//@romansleftshoulderpad // @sanderssideslibrary // @max-is-tired//@therealmoshar //@punsterterry //@trashypansexual//@miserykillme//@demigodnamedathena //@sevencrashing //@misunderstood-shadow//@aphriteblack // @jemthebookworm //  @sandersandthesides//@penguinkool

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[triptych-schift]

Life update i suppose.

Can’t remember the last time I updated...

My mind feels glitchy for lack of ways to articulate what I’m feeling precisely. I’ve been on and off medication for periods of time. I’m conflicted with having to take meds because of the stigma of dependency on drugs, although I do feel better when taking it. When the effects wear off, the shitty thoughts and feelings come back. But how much of it is in my head? How much of this am I imagining? What if it’s just a placebo effect? Idk...the same could be said of my depression. Am I imagining it? Is this real or am I just actually awful and it something that can’t be fixed? Or even worse, can be fixed without meds and I’m just too crooked to see/do it?

I have been running low on my meds and have been skipping doses in case I do feel particularly horrible. I just don’t know if I should keep taking it. Is it bad in the long term? I’d have to schedule yet another appointment and that’s another day off work. There’s been a period of time I haven’t been taking it and I feel like it’s coming back. It makes me sick. At some point I had like a mini episode and just stopped functioning. I sat on my bed and could get myself to move and place cleaned sheets back on it. It was such a simple task but I couldn’t do it. I’m worried of reverting back and potentially losing whatever progress the medication has helped with. But does that mean I’d have to keep taking it for as long as I live?! I don’t even know why I’m like this???

Idk man... in terms of identity and self discovery, pride month is always something. It’s very inspiring to see others overcome their personal struggle and their development. I can relate in different ways. Sure I may not have some sob story, maybe I wasn’t bullied or experienced violence for those same reasons or even to the same degree, but the overbearing fear is too relatable. There have been quite a few things I’ve come to realize. I don’t really have something I’d call a “family”. There’s the people you were born from like blood relatives and there’s a family you choose like the ones you trust and are close to regardless. By nature I keep things to myself, I push people away, I’m so severely closeted, I live in constant fear of losing what little “happiness” and normalcy I have. I realize I feel alone. The environment I’ve subjected myself to and created is not helping me. I saw a quote not too long ago saying something along the lines of “you cannot heal in the same place that hurt you”. I’ve been in the same place this whole goddamn time thinking I could fix myself, desperately trying to make things work but honestly I’m starting to realize I’m running out of options? The reality of possibly losing everything is very real, and that I’ve been saving money and planning for when that does happen. But its either that happens and I am living truthfully or continue living a lie and struggling to please everyone at my own expense.

For a long time and even now I don’t know 100% what I am...but I’m slowly discovering things that add up. I don’t have much opportunity to talk about things like this. (Yet the only way I do express myself is anonymously though the internet to strangers that may not even be reading LOL) The number of people that know my situation I can count on one hand. But I am so very very grateful for each one of you (you probably know who you are). I probably take this for granted and don’t seem appreciative but I really am grateful. It’s a small amount of relief that there are people I can be open to. But it’s very difficult to balance that with people who don’t know. And there are very rare occasions I can be comfortable. I’m constantly harangued by a name I don’t want. Hearing it kinda pisses me off tbh but I’m constantly worried that by trying to correct this it will unintentionally out me. It feels pathetic that coworkers and strangers refer to me more properly than my own blood.

But I am so so grateful to have people who respect these small nuances. I’ve been feeling low, possibly because I’ve been refraining from medication or due to dysphoria... idk. But recently I noticed a good friend of mine had taken the effort to idk "lead by example?” around their child, just by referring to me by my name and pronouns in their presence. I don’t think I pass normally, but its hard not to notice small things like this especially when most everyone doesn’t use my preferred pronouns, again for fear of being outed. At some point that day I think this child realized people kept switching pronouns and directly asked me for clarification. To be honest, when I heard that question get dropped I felt everything sink and get quiet. Again for fear of being outed in a space I wasn’t comfortable with I had to stupidly play it off. “I’m whichever. It doesn’t matter. I’m an ‘it’.” A joke. Laugh it off. But this child decides “hmm I’ll call you him.” Its a small thing. Words don’t normally bear much meaning for me. Nonetheless words from a child. Not really something that could be considered powerful or life changing. But as someone who couldn’t speak for myself in that situation it made a load of a difference. Validation for someone who is invisible is a sentimental thing. A small bit of happiness and a step towards a future where we don’t need to hide.

....well this has been sitting in my drafts for a while but I’ve finally refilled my prescription. I’ve been obscenely tired and could probably do well with some time off. And I’ve inquired about transitioning. Idk when that will happen but I hope soon. There are a few hurdles to go over before that. But having to choose between work and going to an appointment has made me realize how low I prioritize myself over other things :/. Like I struggle to decide whether to cancel a blood work appointment or tell my coworkers I can’t make it to some meeting that day. And guess which one I ended up doing OTL... now I gotta schedule another appointment like 3 weeks out just for blood work TvT.

[pr-ay-the-gay-away]

Hi, just wanted to ask your advice/opinion on something. I'm bisexual, but I've noticed that guys don't seem to like me, but gay/bi girls usually do. The only guy that's ever shown interest in me was bisexual. And I've been called bitchy or a bitch by quite a few guys, but most girls say that I'm a nice person and sweet. So, I'm not sure if there's something about my attitude or personality that guys find unattractive, but girls don't mind. (1/2)

Or maybe it's something about my face or appearance that guys don't like, but girls are ok with? It's really confusing. I know you don't know me, so you don't really have a good way of knowing what it is, but I was just wondering if you might have any suggestions or theories about what it could be? Or if you or someone you know has experienced anything similar? (2/2)

- - - - - - - -

“guys don't seem to like me”

Like, romantically or platonically as a person?

“but gay/bi girls usually do”

And what about the straight girls?

“The only guy that's ever shown interest in me was bisexual”

Ok

“And I've been called bitchy or a bitch by quite a few guys”

Calling someone a “bitch” or “bitchy” is not constructive feedback. If these guys are responding in this way when you interact with them, you might want to ask them to give you a more concrete example/explanation for why they think this about you. You’ll then either find out if there’s been a misunderstanding/miscommunication, or if they’re just incredibly immature/shitty.

“but most girls say that I'm a nice person and sweet”

Does that include the straight girls or just the gay/bi girls who like you? Because if the straight girls respond to you similarly as the guys who call you “bitchy” do, then it sounds like maybe unconscious bias stemming from homophobia.

“I'm not sure if there's something about my attitude or personality that guys find unattractive, but girls don't mind. - Or maybe it's something about my face or appearance that guys don't like, but girls are ok with?”

That ain’t it. That kind of essentialism between men and women, I find, tends to lend itself towards conservative thought and values. Which people do have. There will be people who believe that, and behave in that way. It’s not universal though. So I wouldn’t subscribe to those ideas because honestly they’re just not true everywhere.

If the straight girls think you’re a nice person and sweet, and it’s just the guys who are calling you a “bitch” and “bitchy”, I wonder whether they call all girls “bitches” or “bitchy” too? If this is the case, then it sounds like they’re a bunch of entitled assholes who feel like they hold the power to put girls down with the use of that word. Red flag, avoid dudes like these.

On the other hand, assuming that you’re the only girl being called this by the guys, maybe you’re behaving differently/treating the guys differently than other girls usually do. And if this is the case, then the guys probably have developed an unconscious sense of entitlement of how they expect other girls to respond to them. This might not even be a sinister thing - it could be like a guy who is used to girls laughing at his jokes out of politeness, and then one day a girl doesn’t laugh because it’s genuinely just not that funny, and because all of his other data points have pointed to all the girls he’s known laughing at his jokes, and even his guy friends who do it out of politeness too (groupthink), so that immediate response to not seeing you laughing of “Oh no, maybe I’m not actually funny” incites such a strong feeling of insecurity that is so uncomfortable that in order to protect one’s own ego, they’ll quickly skim over other data points and come to the defensive conclusion “Everybody else laughed, I am funny. This girl is just a bitch” instead of considering other hypotheses to be explored like “Maybe I can’t rely on my other data points - is there evidence that they could be conditioned to respond to something other than my joke, such as a desire for social cohesion? How might I go about verifying this? Maybe by asking them whether their laughter was genuine? Can I trust their answer?” like, no-one’s going through that thought process then and there (maybe they are at like 3am at night). However if it IS a sinister thing, eg. you’re a bitch because you don’t seem “easily available” to them for whatever reason, that’s a red flag once again, avoid dudes like these.

You haven’t given me any concrete examples of their behavior or the situations, so I’m completely hypothesizing here.

“if you or someone you know has experienced anything similar?”

I know people who have been bullied by guys (and girls) in high school. Because they subscribed too much to what these “friends” thought of them, it impacted them very deeply. What’s funny is that when you talk to people who have been bullied, you find out that they often have very good friends and people in their network too. Usually people they spent time with to get away from the bullying. And then you wonder “well, why not just ditch the bullies and hang out with these better friends instead?” But bullying does that to a person, especially when you place trust in someone and they betray that trust. You can’t fathom it because you would never have done the same to them. If you’re being bullied, try to see a therapist about it. Talking about it to an impartial third-party can help bring perspective and validation for the stuff you’re feeling/experiencing.

As for me, most people I know used to throw around the term “bitch” and “bitchy” in high school to describe other people, usually women. Growing social awareness and emotional/mental maturity lead myself and a lot of the people I associate with to grow out of it. Sometimes I find myself or others falling back on it, but we usually try to catch ourselves/call ourselves out and apologize straight after, and then try to explain in more articulate terms the point or the feedback that we’re actually trying to get across. Because “bitch” and “bitchy” are not useful at all. They don’t tell me what someone is actually doing or has done. They just tell me that the person who uttered the words is too immature to express themselves properly. Maybe it’s situational and they’re in a very emotional place right now and they need to calm down a bit. But maybe it’s a function of their character and they’ve never developed the awareness to recognize that it’s a very un-constructive and destructive term, and also gendered AF. If it’s the latter case, that’s a red flag. Do not put up with people like that.

Oh and that bit I wrote above about not laughing at dudes’ jokes. Yeah that was me lols. And those were my friends lols. I don’t hang out with those people anymore, I don’t know what they’re like now and whether they’re any different in that particular aspect of their awkward laughter groupthink behavior, but I can look back at the behaviors from then and see how it was driven by insecurities and egos.

You move through different social groups and communities as you progress through life. You are exposed to more people as you venture out and away from what you knew and experience more of life/the world. The people you know right now are an infinitesimally small sample of the world, and there’s heaps more types of people (and dudes) out there. Keep the people who positively grow with you, and say goodbye to and let go of the ones who don’t.

If you’re trying to get attention from men based on your looks alone, well then there’s entire industries dedicated to selling you products for that :\ But if you’re just trying to find men who could wanna give you the time of day without calling you a “bitch” or “bitchy”, it’s possible you just need to meet more people to find those men. If you’re in school at the moment, you will inevitably meet more people once you’re out of school (school restricts who you meet because of it’s structure taking up your entire day and exposing you to the same set of people for years)

I wouldn’t stress too much about it. I’d focus on the people around you who do like you and treat you well, rather than spending all of your time thinking about the ones who don’t and why.

[thatwritingho]

Momento Mori

Chapter 3

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Olive had been given all of 24 hours to pack her things and make arrangements before she was flown out for her two week trial in Mordhaus. Now, after a day to settle in and go over various rules and regulations and what seemed to be a ridiculous amount of health and safety waivers, she found herself in a rather lavish, gothic styled guest room, her bags tossed randomly across the floor, clothes strung out on the bed as she fretted and mumbled to herself over what to wear for her first meeting with the band.

“I don’t want to look too formal, but I don’t want to seem too casual either, oh my god why didn’t I pack more options I don’t have shit to wear fuck fuck fuck… should I wear something kinda sexy? I want them to think I’m hot but I don’t want to look like a fucking groupie either, this is supposed to be a professional meeting after all… god damn it…”

Dark eyes shot over to the plastic tub serving as temporary housing for her ball python, and she quickly approached, popping off the lid and lifting the snake out.

“What do you think, Apophis? Is this outfit ok for a first meeting?”

Said snake was draped over her neck as she walked to the mirror, turning this way and that as she mentally critiqued every little detail of her appearance. Her makeup was done, skin appearing flawless, dusty rose and grey eye shadow with matching rosey lips, and a dusting of gold highlight to compliment her skin tone, nails done with pointed tips and shiny black polish.

Her hair was proving to be as wild and unruly as ever, natural curls refusing to be tamed and forming a large pink mass on the left side of her head, a stark contrast to the dark brown stubble on the right. She longed to be able to pull it back in a classy french braid, but exposing the left side of her scalp was absolutely out of the question.

The grey, short sleeve turtle neck was tight and hugged her curves in all the right ways, accentuating her large chest without being revealing enough to be considered inappropriate, and the high waisted, black pencil skirt with equally black belt cinched in her waist before smoothing over her hips and coming to a stop at a modest-but-not-grandmotherly length just below her knees.

She had chosen short sleeves to highlight the sprawling art that made up the tattoo sleeve on her right arm, as well as the rest of the singular pieces littered across her other arm and both legs.

The ensemble did wonders for her figure, but it was still a bit plain. Missing something.

Boring.

And that was the last thing she wanted to seem when meeting her favorite band.

“If only I could wear you as an accessory, Apophis,” she sighed, walking over to the messy, tangled pile of metal that her jewelry had become in her haste to pack.

“Now… how to spice this up…”

After much frustration and cursing herself multiple times for not taking the time to properly store her necklaces, Olive finally managed to untangle her statement piece. It was simple, but beautifully crafted; a medium sized, smoky glass pendant attached to a long silver chain, a few shades darker than her top. To compliment, she fished out a plethora of silver studs and hoops to fill in all of her ear piercings, choosing plain black tunnels to make her stretched lobes stand out.

Slipping on a pair of black closed toe heels, she did one last turn, jolting a bit in surprise at the knock on her door, a muffled voice addressing her through the heavy wood.

“It’s time, miss.”

Nerves set heavy in the pit of her stomach as she returned the reptile to it’s home, and she bounced in the balls of her feet for a few moments before working up the courage to open the door, smiling politely at the Klokateer who was stationed outside her room, the very same one, it turned out, whom had been her mystery stalker a few days prior.

“Are you ready, miss?”

Olive cleared her throat awkwardly, nodding in response as she didn’t trust her voice not to crack, and began to follow after the rather large fellow who’s name she didn’t know, heels clacking against the stone floor as she fought the urge to vomit. He had introduced himself as a number, twelve-thousand-and-something, which was honestly very unnerving, and had her questioning whether she should be working for a place that dehumanized it’s employees so, but had decidedly disregarded the matter. It was probably easier for everyone involved, with the sheer amount of people they employed, to go by number instead.

Lost in thought as she was, she barely noticed as a large, medieval style door came into view, two more large, hooded men posted up on either side, and sucked in a few, hopefully discreet, deep breaths as it dawned on her that this was actually happening. Behind that door await the most famous, most musically talented men in the entire fucking world. Waiting to evaluate her. To judge her. To decide if she was worthy of their time. Worthy of their presence.

Oh, she was absolutely fucked! What had she been thinking? There was no way in hell that she was actually qualified for this!

Stalkateer, as she had dubbed the behemoth of a man, rapped gently on the wood, addressing her before entering.

“Please wait here, miss.”

Heart slamming against her chest, pounding in her ears, stomach about to implode, a cold sweat breaking out all over, she fought the primal urge to fucking run.

God I need to get myself together. I can do this. It’s just like any other stupid business meeting. Only this time it’s with fucking Dethklok. Oh god oh god…

After what seemed like hours but was in reality mere thirty seconds of Olive trying her damndest to avoid eye contact with the two guards, the door creaked open and Stalkateer reemerged, taking up post next to one of his coworkers.

“The masters are ready for you.”

.

Charles took a steadying breath, assessing the band members in various states of inebriation before him. He had requested they be sober for the first meeting with their potential physician, so of course none of them were, although he would give them credit for all being awake and semi interested, which is more than he could typically say about their usual alertness during meetings.

“So.. you uh, you really found someone, huh?” Nathan looked at him with mild skepticism, slouching in his chair, beer bottle in hand.

“Ah, yes, yes I did. And I can assure you that she meets all of your, ah, conditions.” 

“Scho then sche’sh hot, right?”

“And knows how to, uh, like, cut up corpses and stuff?”

“She’s ams a nice ladys too, rights? One whats know hows to haves fun?”

“Boys, boys, settle down,” Charles raised his hands in a silencing gesture, attempting to quiet the rapid fire questions, “why don’t you all make the call yourselves? I’ve asked her to do a two week trial, to, ah, see how she gets along with everyone. She should be here any moment now, actually, for me to introduce to you all.”

As if on cue, a knock sounded at the door, a Klokateer entering and bowing before his masters, announcing the arrival of the woman in question.

“Ah, very well. Thank you, Number 12945. You may let her in.”

All eyes turned to the door, the click clack of heels approaching the only sound in the room as a small figure appeared, dark eyes glancing over every person in the room once as she made her way to stand next to Charles, looking every bit as cool and collected on the outside as she felt nauseous on the inside.

“Everyone, I would like you to meet Olive Axworthy, your new personal doctor.”

.

A deafening silence filled the room for a few moments as Olive stood before the band, all eyes on her as everyone was frozen for a beat, a bit shocked at just how very young, how very small, and how very pretty of a doctor Charles had managed to pull out of nowhere. She fought against the need to fidget under their stare, standing straight and proud with a neutral expression like she had been drilled to by her adoptive father.

“Dood. Are ya even, like, old enough ta be a doctor?”

Finally, the awkward silence was broken, Olive’s eyes snapping over to the owner of the voice and nearly squealing in excitement as she met the gaze of fucking Pickles the Drummer, frontman of Snakes n’ Barrels turned best drummer in the world, who was talking to her.

Oh sweet jesus, he was talking to her!

Respond, you idiot!

“Oh, um, yeah. I graduated early.”

Great, real articulate, Olive…

She could have smacked herself for giving such a lame answer, but he merely raised a pierced brow at her in response, and she nearly died from how ridiculously attractive it was.

“Scho are you like schome kinda geniush or schomethin?”

Dark eyes slid over to the person sitting next to the redhead, and she felt her heart flip at the sight of William fucking Murderface slouching in his chair, arms crossed and eyes racking over her body none too subtly.

Oh my god, he’s checking me out, holy fuck.

“Uh, technically, yeah, I am.”

“Huh. How ‘bout that.”

On the other side of the table, someone cleared their throat, and Olive was sure every person in the room could hear how loud her heart was pounding as she met the eyes of Nathan god damn Explosion, his broad form even more appealing in person.

Lord, how I’d love to be pinned under him…

“You, uh.. You can, like, work on, uh, dead people, right?”

Shaking off her perverted train of thought, Olive couldn’t help but smile at that, relaxing a bit as the topic turned away from her and to corpses.

“Yeah. I’ve been working in a morgue for the past year.”

“And you, like, take out all their, uh, organs and blood and stuff? You can do that?” He had leaned forward in his chair, becoming more attentive at the change in conversation.

“Yeah. I can do autopsies, embalming, cremation.. pretty much anything.”

“Oh, wowee! That ams so cool!”

Olive practically salivated at the sight of Toki Wartooth grinning at her from beside Nathan, his long, silky hair shining beautifully as he stared at her in fascination.

“Ja, how cools ams it tos cuts open people whats already died?”

“Yous ams so means, Skwisgaar! It ams too cool!”

Said blonde scoffed at Toki, fingers plucking away at the strings of the guitar in his grasp as his icey eyes sized up the woman before him, much slower and with much more purpose than Murderface had.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf. I’m in the same room as Skwisgaar Skwigelf. He’s so beautiful. This isn’t real.

Despite her Inner Fangirl blabbering away like an idiot, Olive managed to push aside the urge to jump the blonde and ride him for all he was worth right then and there on the table in front of everyone, instead shrugging as his eyes finally met hers.

“I mean, it’s pretty fun. Better than dealing with most living people, y’know?“

There were a few chuckles around the table at that, and Pickles stole her attention once more, a sexy, crooked grin on his face.

“Fun, huh? Is dat what ya cahll it?”

Olive grinned a slightly devious grin back at him, eyes glinting in mirth.

“Yeah, I’d say so.”

“Whoah. So, like, can you, uh, show us? Like right now?”

Nathan’s face was lit up with childlike excitement, and as she glanced around the table, so were the other member’s, even Skwisgaar.

“Sure, why not?” Dark eyes turned their focus to the suited man next to her, who had been silent for this entire exchange, and he eyed her with slight suspicion as she smiled mischievously at him. Oh god, what had he done, putting this woman and Dethklok together? And with her next question, it cemented in his mind that she was going to be nothing but trouble for him.

“Got a body?”

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

[theamberfang]

Journal 51

From my goals yesterday, I stipulated that I should write this earlier. That hasn’t happened, but the spirit of it when I wrote it was that I should write this journal entry before I’m dead-tired, which is happening. Unfortunately, this also means that I still feel awake at a later time, further meaning that my sleeping schedule has effectively continued to shift back by a couple of hours. Waking up at around 800 did still leave me plenty of time to to get morning routines done before my scheduled time for IDA, but that may not be the case if this shift continues, so I might need to set an extra alarm for 900.

As for the only tertiary goal I set for myself today, I actually accomplished it. Well, the primary part at least, of actually reading the 4 day old message from WANMWAD. It wasn’t that bad in the end. There were things he actually sort of agreed on, though still believing in Free Will. I did still hesitate quite a bit beforehand though, so I read it late in the day when I simply don’t feel like articulating an actual response.

What pushed me past my hesitation was a surprise event that put things into perspective: Christian (maybe not the correct spelling), the neighbor kid that my father suggested I could tutor, came by to say hi. The kid does seem very nice and polite, but I found myself quite bothered by my father through the whole exchange. Ostensibly, Christian came to meet me, but my father dominated all of the conversation and stuck around until he had to leave. While I learned a bit about Christian from his answers to my father’s questioning, Christian certainly didn’t learn too much about me.

The most upsetting thing was my father using my dead name and hearing it used to introduce me to someone. Admittedly, I haven’t made clear that I want to use “Amber” universally, but my father has also made clear that he is not going to use it with me even in private. I will still also grant that I haven’t made clear to my family just how important it feels to have them accept a trans person’s new name and to drop the dead one.

Regardless, it still hurts in the moment. I was on the verge of tears for awhile, but now it’s just a dull, hollow pain. My father has told me in the past that he “supports my identity,” but persisting to use my dead name despite being asked several times to stop doing it is the exact opposite of that. He says it “hurts him” to refer to me as “Amber,” but I’ve even requested that he simply stop using my dead name and simply refer to me as something more generic if that’s the best he can do, but no. Instead he continues to use the name that actively causes me great emotional pain to hear.

Again, I will grant that I have not properly expressed how deeply painful it is for my dead name to continue to be used, but if he was really supportive, would he have not done a bit of research? I imagine the topic is one of the first to show up. Admittedly, I haven’t done much research myself on the topic, but I’m the one with irrational anxiety that worries if I start making any progress in that direction then the bigots will start coming for me. I legitimately don’t feel safe to even research the topic, as nonsense as it is. I do live in the American South though, which may be simple enough explanation for my fear.

This will likely be another thing to keep me up at night, and unfortunately it’s not something quite as easy to resolve as my other recent flare up of social anxiety. This isn’t the first time I’ve been upset about this subject though, and it has passed before, but it is something that I’d be better off dealing with somehow. I’m not up for brainstorming right now, but it’s a topic I’ll likely revisit in the future (maybe even tomorrow, who knows.)

Tomorrow Goals:

Journal

IDA; 1000-1200

Finish “Secret Grooves” Breakdown; 1400-1500

Actually continue conversation with WANMWAD

Extended Goals:

Compile and edit Groove Breakdowns

Nuclear Throne Breakdowns

Finish Loose Talk: Monogatari series (part 1)

Read more of Dune

Read the latest chapter of Ouroboros and comment

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