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sleepyfan-blog · 2 months

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Malachai In the Snow

Author’s Note: This is the fourth part of a mini-arc in which Cedric will be (trying) to patch up injured Primaris Black Templars as they appear on Ancient and Holy Terra! For other adventures click here. First. Previous. Next. Thank you to @gallifreyianrosearkytiorsusan for allowing me to borrow Hura and Zariel! And thank you to @c-u-c-koo-4-40k for allowing me to borrow Pyrus!

Tagged: @egrets-not-regrets @kit-williams @bleedingichorhearts @i-am-a-dragon34

Warnings: blood, injuries, character death, ask me to tag something if I’ve missed it/it bothers you

Summary: Jophiel comes to Cedric, with a prophecy of a dying brother on his lips.

“Cedric… Cedric I need you to wake up!” Jophiel called out as he shook his Brother-Cousin awake.

The young Black Templar grumbled a little wordlessly as he yawned and stared blearily at Jophiel “What is it? It’s really late…” He checked the clock, which read just past one in the morning. The Blood Angel was sniffling a little and shaking. Cedric frowned and pulled him in, hugging him tightly “Did you have a nightmare?”

“I… Sort of. Not really, because it’s a vision! One of the clearest I’ve had in a while.” Jophiel answered, shaking his head a little before burying his face in one of Cedric’s shoulders. He allowed himself a moment to compose himself, feeling safe in the Apothecary’s embrace.

“... Do you want to talk to me about it? Or should I get one of the older librarians, to help you try and figure out what the vision meant? From what you’ve told me, not all of the visions you have are straight forward, nor easily understood.” Cedric asked, reaching up and starting to run a hand through Jophi’s long blonde hair.

“That wasn’t the case for this one. I’m… I’m pretty sure I know what this one means.” Jophiel murmured, leaning more into Cedric. “Another Primaris Black Templar is going to be coming to Holy Terra soon. Snow was falling on his body, and his blood was staining the white. He was all alone as he died, beside a lake that had a view of a mountain, and there were trees everywhere.”

There were thousands of lakes across Holy Terra at this point in time, many of them having forests and mountains nearby, with snowfall being possible. “I… I see. Do you have any idea where on Ancient Terra he might show up? Or when specifically?”

“Remember that lake we found last week, while we were hiking through the woods? I… I’m pretty sure it’s that one, and I did check before waking you up. It gets cold enough in the winters here to snow on the valley floor.” Jophiel answered, voice shaking a little “But I know that I should probably report this vision to the older Librarians. They’ll be able to help me figure out better when and where this incoming brother is likely to land… And they have the pull to ensure that he’ll be found before he dies.”

Cedric’s first reaction is to try and convince Jophiel to stay quiet. That between the six of them they should be able to find whoever was near the edge of life and death before he died… But Terra was a large planet, and if their silence on this matter killed this Brother… His death would be on Cedric’s hands. “... If there are older librarians who you feel that you can trust with this vision… I trust you to spread this warning to those who need to know.”

Jophiel nods, frowning a little “I… There are a couple. And since, in my vision, he’s not got his full armor, it’s not like I need to tell them that this nearly-dead Brother is a Primaris Marine, necessarily. I.. I should be able to keep that part to myself. I think.”

Cedric nodded, leaning into Jophiel a little more “Alright. Do you feel the vision is urgent enough to wake them now?”

“Unless a freak snowstorm rolls in tomorrow, I don’t think so. It’s still early autumn, after all…” Jophiel murmured, yawning a little “It’s too far to get to my room… M’sleeeepy Ced!”

Cedric smiled a little, chuckling a little “Do you want to finish sleeping with me, then?” He knew how much visions took it out of Jophiel, especially on Ancient Terra, where the Warp was much more difficult to reach and use.

“Yes please…” Jophiel yawned, closing his eyes and promptly falling asleep.

Cedric smiled again, making sure that both of them could sleep relatively comfortably before falling himself to sleep as well.

Weeks later found Cedric as part of a patrol of Imperial Fists and Salamanders, as the group made their way to the lake mentioned in Jophiel’s vision. The weather forecast was predicting heavy snowfall, and it was apparently very cold to those who were warm-adapted. Cedric found the cooler temperatures invigorating and refreshing. There was a light breeze that rustled the ever-green pine and fir trees that they were walking between, and the late afternoon sun was being swallowed by dark clouds that promised heavy precipitation.

Pyrus was walking alongside next to Cedric, as his warband was visiting the base and nudged him a little “So, any ideas as to which time period this injured Brother might be coming from? Or chapter and/or legion?”

Cedric could answer those questions, from what Jophiel had told him. But should he? Jophiel had been as vague on the specifics of the marine in question apart from the dire state of his injuries and how under-equipped he was for the cold and snowy weather. “Jophie said that the armor he had left was a dark color, nearly black, where it wasn’t bloody or covered in snow.”

Pyrus hummed, nodding thoughtfully “Ah… That doesn’t narrow it down. Lots of chapters have darkly colored armor. Hopefully he reacts well to us, if he’s awake enough to realize we’re there. If he’s a Black Legionnaire we’re gonna have to use the tranq gun on him so he won’t try to murder us while mostly dead. Stubborn bastards.”

Snow began to fall from the sky, the whispery quality of the snowflakes falling on the ground and the tree branches were distracting. Watching the ground quickly become covered in snow where the trees did not provide shelter, or where the wind blew the frozen water. Cedric silently wished he could enjoy watching the snowfall, but he had a Brother to try and save. He hummed noncommittally. Part of him really did want to tell Pyrus what he knew of the injured Primaris marine who they were hopefully going to find in time, but doing so would reveal that Jophiel had deliberately withheld information and Cedric wasn’t about to throw him under the bus. Especially when he was the one to ask Jophiel to withhold that information. “Hopefully they will react well, or at least neutrally to our presence.”

“... Are you alright, Cedric? You seem a bit… Distracted?” Pyrus asked, squinting at him, concerned.

The young apothecary successfully suppressed his desire to fidget with his hands - which was a dead-giveaway for the uncertainty and worry running through his body and making his hearts race “I’m concerned for whoever we may find today. We marines are pretty tough, it takes a lot to-”

The direction of the winds shifted as Cedric was speaking, cutting him off as it brought with it the sharp, metallic scent of fresh blood.

All six of the marines on patrol stopped in their tracks, including Cedric himself, turning towards the source of the smell.

Cedric was the first to start moving, running as fast as the dense underbrush and trees would allow him, dodging around large patches of underbrush and jumping over and across the occasional fallen log or half-rotted tree stump.

It took both an eternity and no time at all for Cedric to find the badly injured Primaris marine. The other was leaning against the base of a tree, gold-flecked blue eyes focused on the partially frozen lake. He looked in Cedric’s direction as the apothecary reached over.

He smiled a little and rasped out “Good… Evening? Cedric. Is this the peaceful embrace of the Emperor? It’s… Beautiful.” Malachai asked, before turning partially and coughing, splattering the snow with his blood, vivid and dark against the white substance, even as the heat of his blood began to melt it. “Wish I hurt less, though.”

“Malachai, you aren’t dead, not yet. Where we are is a… Complicated situation. But stay still, I have a first aid kit, which will help me stabilize you. Then, with help, I can get you to a place where you can be properly treated.” Cedric answered, dropping down onto his knees next to his badly beaten brother, opening the kit and starting to clean and bandage his wounds.

Malachai chuckled and then coughed violently, his whole body spasming a little before he reached up with broken fingers to try and push Cedric away with what little remained of his strength “You shouldn’t. The fucker beat me with the intention of making me one of his grisly reminders for the rest of us.”

“He has no power here. Not really.” Cedric half-lied. While it was true that Petras wasn’t in control of Ancient Terra, he held a distressing amount of sway amongst certain Crusades of Black Templars, and he really didn’t want to find out what his reaction would be, should he discover that several of the marines he’d killed were on Ancient Terra, alive and aware of the depths of the chaplain’s cruelty.

“... Don’t. Don’t lie to me, Cedric.” Malachai gently scolded him, reaching up and squeezing one of Cedric’s shoulders, leaving bloody fingerprints on his jacket. “More astartes are coming. I don’t want you to be punished for trying to help me.”

“Those are a patrolf of Salamanders and Imperial Fists. They won’t punish me for trying to help you. The entire reason why I’m in this forest is to find and try and save you, Malachai. Stop resisting and let me help you!” Cedric hissed, hating the way that his eyes stung badly enough to blur his vision as tears streamed down his face. He continued to do his best to patch up the stubborn bastard wheezing at him “Things are different here. I haven’t been ordered to watch you die this time. So I’m not going to, if I can at all help it.”

Pyrus came barrelling into the clearing, followed closely by the rest of the mixed squad of Imperial Fists and Salamanders, their armor patterns showing that they were from multiple different time periods of the Imperium. The Salamander knelt down on the other side of Malachai and asked “What should I do to help?”

“Keep him still for me, please? He’s resisting treatment because of when he was brought to Holy Terra from.” Cedric instructed Pyrus.

“We… We’re on Terra? How is that… How is that possible?” Malachai wheezed, a stunned expression on his face.

“Short answer? Warp shenanigans. If you want the long answer, such as we’ve figured out, you’ve got to live to learn it.” Pyrus answered with an attempt at a reassuring smile on his face. “Are you a Black Templar, like Cedric?”

“Yes, I am.” Malachai rasped out. He nodded a little, before a whimper of pain left him. “I can’t. Feel my legs. The worst injury I got was on my back.” He paused for several seconds, closing his eyes and taking in several steadying breaths before continuing “Just above where the armor I was allowed to keep… I heard the snap of bone and a lot of pain before… Before everything went dark and I woke up here. I’ve tried moving my legs and… Couldn’t manage it.”

“... Fuck that’s right. I remember now. He’d snapped your spinal cord in three places. I’m… I’m surprised that you’re breathing as well as you are, given the locations of the breaks.” Cedric murmured before he could stop himself “We’re going to need to immobilize his neck and spine as much as we can, to avoid further damage. Would two of you please set up the stretcher, while everyone else helps me move Malachai? Once the stretcher is ready will need to be careful to move him at the same time, so I will provide a count down from three to one. When I say now after, we move him at the same time. Any questions?”

“Me, I have one. Why are you bothering? The bastard has decided that my mouthy bastard ways mean that I have to die. Why refuse him? I hurt sooo much where I’m not numb.” Malachai huffed, squinting up at Cedric.

“Mal, I mean this with all the love and care in my hearts, shut up. You’re being rescued and treated whether you like it or not. The one who did this to you has no power in the base we’re bringing to you, and it’s my job to keep you alive and as intact as I can.” Cedric growled at the other, eyes flashing in irritation and worry.

Malachai laughed until he started coughing, his body spasming with each cough. “Yeah, yeah. I know. M’ sorry, though. I don’t think I can… Hold on much longer. S’ cold and breathing hurts.”

“Why does it look like someone kicked his ribs with armored boots until they broke?” Pyrus asked, a frown on his face. “Among other things?”

“Because he was kicked by someone’s ceramite-clad boots until his bones broke. Now is really not the time for these sorts of questions Pyrus. Help me put this splint around his chest so that when we move him it doesn’t fuck up his back or lungs with the wandering bone shards more than they already have.” Cedric answered, having done his best to shut down his emotions and clinically look at the situation. “Ignis, Ralos, Sven, Pyrus I need you to lift his torso up several inches so I can get this splint under him on the count of three. Is everyone in position?”

“Ready.” Called out Ralos, the Imperial Fist sounded calm through his vox communicator.

“Ready.” Calls out Sven and Ignis, though both seemed concerned.

“Alright, alright. I’m in position, and ready for the count off.” Pyrus grumbled, moving so that he was in a useful spot.

“Three, two, one, up!” Cedric called out. The four marines were able to easily lift the injured Primaris at the same time and the apothecary applied the splint as quickly as he could.

Olik and Char were ready with the stretcher, so Cedric directed the four marines who were holding onto Malachai to pivot slightly as the stretcher was maneuvered so it was directly underneath the badly injured Primaris Marine and he was lowered back onto the stretcher.

Cedric aided in carrying Malachai to the nearby field surgery tent that had been set up, as the Librarians had divined that Malachi would die, if he were to be taken all the way back to the nearest hospital, even in one of the emergency flying vehicles. Cedric very much wanted to be part of the team who worked on trying to put Malachai back together but his hands were shaking too much from the adrenaline and guilt running through him.

It had not taken long for them to get to the field surgery tent. Cedric helped heave Malachai onto the surgical table.

The other Primaris marine shifted uncomfortably as several Imperial Fist Apothecaries approached him. “Cedric… What’s going on?”

“These Apothecaries are going to put you back together. I’m-” Cedric started before being cut off by Apothecary Melinth.

“You are going to be waiting outside of the tent, Cedric. You are too close to this patient to be working on them during such a delicate and risky procedures. Besides, I can see the way that your hands are shaking. Do you wish to risk his life?” The Imperial Fist asked bluntly.

Cedric swallowed hard and flinched back, eyes downward cast “No sir, I don’t.”

“Good lad. Leave the immediate area, while we sterilize the field and get to work. You’ve done well. We’ll do what we can for him.” Melinth ordered.

Malachai made a pained sound, one hand reaching out for Cedric “Wait… Please sir…”

Cedric hesitated before grabbing Malachai’s hand, gently squeezing it with both of his “Do what they tell you, alright? I’ll be right outside, waiting for you, once you’re out of surgery.”

“... You better be.” Malachai grumbled, managing to send a half-smile up at his brother.

“I will.” Cedric promised before letting go of Malachai’s hand, gently setting it back on the table and leaving the tent, his whole body shaking at the intensity of emotions running through him. He sat down heavily on a fallen log less than twenty-feet from the entrance of the surgical tent, listening to the shallow breathing and uneven stutter of Malachai’s hearts beating.

“Hey… Cedric… I couldn’t help but notice that you knew exactly how your fellow Black Templar had gotten injured. While I was running over, I caught something about a punishment… Do you… Do you want to talk to me about it?” Pyrus asked as he sat down next to Cedric, having appeared out of nowhere.

Cedric lost concentration on listening to Malachai’s. “... I’d really rather not.” The temptation to curl into a ball of self-loathing and recrimination was strong, but he was already being eyeballed by several firstborn marines as it was.

Pyrus, instead of taking the unsubtle hint to leave the topic alone, scooted closer to Cedric. The Salamander was pressed against Cedric’s side. “Was he on a penitent crusade, which is why he didn’t have his full armor?”

“... No, he hadn’t been sent on a penitent crusade. That would imply a measure of honor that he wasn’t afforded by the one who… Who did that to him. I really don’t want to talk about this right now. The last time I saw Malachai like that, he died in M42. I… I’m hoping that with more skilled apothecaries, his fate will be changed.” Cedric murmured, his shoulders hunching a little as he buried his face in his hands.

“... Aren’t Black Templars who taken on an Apprentice, like, super protective of them? And swear righteous vengeance against who or whatever killed their apprentice?” Pyrus asked, wrapping an arm around his friend’s shoulders.

“That is how it’s supposed to work. It doesn’t always.” Cedric admitted quietly. It felt almost as if he was betraying his chapter by admitting that much… But his hearts hurt and part of him was very tired of keeping the secrets that he was. Maybe… Maybe he should ask Arnault and Roland to have a quiet but serious conversation about certain matters. Maybe it would help?

Pyrus started to speak, but several crucial, subtle sounds that Cedric’d been straining to hear, even over the sounds of his conversation with the Salamander scout had stopped. The world narrowed unpleasantly and something was shaking him.

Wait.

Someone.

“Cedric. Cedric! Easy. I promise I won’t ask any more questions. You back with me, buddy?” Pyrus asked, a frown of concern on his face, his bright orange-red eyes seemingly peering directly into Cedric’s soul.

“I can’t. I can’t hear Malachai breathing. Or his hearts. They’ve. They’ve stopped. I can’t hear them anymore. I… I need to… I need to help them get him back.” Cedric heard himself say, as the many intense emotions screaming through his hearts nearly overwhelmed his mind. He was trying to stand, but something was keeping him sitting down.

Pyrus was still holding onto him. “Cedric, you need to calm down. I get that that’s probably one of the three things you want to hear least right now, but running into that surgical tent covered in forest germs and dirt isn’t going to do your Brother any good whatsoever, and you bursting in on them suddenly might startle one of the other apothecaries into making an unfortunate mistake.”

Cedric could feel the growl in his chest, and the desire to fight and claw his way over to his Brother as his body coiled and tensed… But his good sense kicked in, and the young Black Templar sighed unhappily and went limp in the other’s firm grip. “You’re right. Much as I hate to admit it. You’re right. I-”

Any other words or thoughts he’d been trying to say or think died abruptly as Apothecary Melinth walked out of the tent and headed towards him, a grim expression on his face.

“Apothecary Taniel, I am here to inform you that your chapter brother, Malachai has died. His injuries were too extensive for us to treat. Do you feel up to assisting us in harvesting the organs that can be utilized as well as his gene-seed, if it is still viable? You are allowed to refuse, if you feel you are not up to the task. Losing a Brother you’re close to is difficult.” Melinth informed him, no emotion showing on his face or in his voice. The other’s icy blue eyes staring down at him dispassionately.

Several ugly and likely untrue accusations lingered on the tip of Cedric’s tongue as he stared up at the firstborn Marine. Cedric had no proof that Melinth and the others didn’t try their utmost in order to try and save his life. The fact that he had died meant that they had access to more Primaris organs and geneseed to study and use as they saw fit. How… Convenient for them, to be able to have a second dead primaris marine to study to their hearts’ content. But he wasn’t going to say any of that, as it was an awful thing to accuse someone of baselessly. “MY hands are still shaky. However, once you’ve removed everything you think is of use and value out of him, please stitch up my dead brother and allow me to take the remains to Ramiel, so he can get his final rites.” He really hoped that his voice was as bereft of emotion as he had been aiming for, rather than the seething fury and implication he could hear within his own voice.

Melinth stared down at him for several seconds before answering with a flat and emotionless “That will be done, Apothecary Taniel.” And then the other left, turning on his heel.

Cedric was briefly tempted to lash out at the older Apothecary. To hurt him in a fraction of the ways that he and his Brothers had been hurt by at best uncaring and apathetic firstborn brothers. But the urge for violence passed when Melinth was out of his sightline.

“Hey… Cedric…Why don’t we go for a walk? It’s still snowing, and the forest is really beautiful right now. And some movement might help with sorting your emotions, yeah?” Pyrus gently prodded.

He shook his head “I want to be here when they are done usi-... Done with Malachai’s body, so I need to be here.”

“... Alright. Do you mind if I wait with you?” Pyrus asked, still holding onto Cedric.

Cedric was grateful for the half-restraint, half-hug. It was helping ground him “If you wish to stay with me, I have no complaints. I do like you, Pyrus… And the snow is lovely.” He watched the snowfall with Pyrus as he waited the seeming eternity it took for them to be done harvesting from his dead brother.

They were even kind enough to have sent a message to Ramiel, ten minutes before they were done, so that the young Chaplain in training could prepare everything and gather the others before Cedric arrived on base with the body.

#oc: malachai #oc: cedric #oc: pyrus #oc: Melinth #warhammer 40k #space marine husbandry sentience #my writing #space marine husbandry #black templar #imperial fist #salamander #oc: jophiel #blood angel

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jerzwriter · 1 year

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A Moment in Time... (Trystan's POV)

Part one of this short series was written a couple months ago when we didn't know the ending of Crimes of Passion 2. Now that we do, I retrofit the initial part, just a little, to make this an alternate ending AU. What if Trystan had become king? Because in this world, he did. It's now two years later, and he's about to be wed. The whole world, including Carolina, can't escape the coverage, and he can't escape the regret he has over the choices he made.

Part One: Carolina's POV can be found here.

Now, let's explore Trystan's thoughts as he approaches the big day.

Book: Crimes of Passion 2 (Post Series) Pairing: M!Trystan Thorne x F!MC (Carolina Rose), Past Rating: Teen Category: AU/Angst Words: 3,280 Summary: Please see above. A/N: This was initially going to be an open-ended, two-part story. But I've changed it so we will have a conclusion. So, Part 3 will be forthcoming. Participating in @choicesseptemberchallenge2023, Day 4, They've been secretly in love with each other for a long time.

I hope you enjoy the story!

Please note: If you read the original story in the past, Part 1 has been changed very slightly to accommodate for things that took place in canon. I hope you enjoy this!

The silence weighed heavily in Trystan’s room. So much that the gentle tap on his door sounded like a thunderclap as it reverberated off the cavernous walls.

“Come in,” he called out, never turning to meet the servant’s gaze.

He was trying to concentrate on the crowd assembling beyond the palace gates; they seemed to double in size by the hour. Boisterous and draped in the colors of the Drakovian flag, the festival-like atmosphere was a vivid contrast to the mood inside Trystan’s chambers.

The clattering of the fine china teacups landing on his marble table echoed through the room. Marguerite smiled politely, acknowledging the servant with a gentle nod before they took their leave. She raised the cup to her lips, hoping the fragrant mix of spices would provide some comfort; then, maybe, she would be able to give her brother the comfort he desperately needed. But one look at his forlorn expression, and she was already hanging her head in defeat. Comfort was a tall order; at most, she hoped she could help him through.

Joining him at the window, she rested her head on his shoulder just as she had when they were kids when watching a celebrating crowd was an enjoyable event. Lowering her arm, she clasped his hand in hers. For there wasn't an ounce of joy present today.

“Well, the public is certainly in support,” she observed.

“Yes. The world is so eager for a fairytale that they’ll accept any farce. Yet, heaven forbid they should see the real thing.”

“How do you think it feels to be a normal person? You know, people who don’t approach their wedding as if it were a death sentence?”

“I don’t know, Mags,” he replied sadly. “I’ve only had a brief taste of normal, and it was only borrowed time.”

The rehearsal was over, and the cocktail receptions for dignitaries who had arrived from every corner of the globe were now behind him. All that was left to do was get dressed and show up at the cathedral tomorrow. The only silver lining right now was that his mother and betrothed were far too busy to have any time for or interest in him; if only every day could be this way. He intended to spend it alone, but he should have known Marguerite wouldn’t allow it, and as she led him to the tea table in the corner of his room, he almost broke a smile.

“I had them make badambura,” she smiled. “I remember you loved them when I was a child.”

“When we were children,” he corrected, biting into the flaky almond treat. “A simpler time, when the world’s ails could be soothed with a pastry.”

“That’s only because we didn’t know better,” she declared. “How are you holding up, brother?”

“I’m doing what is necessary. That's what I was born for, isn't it?”

Marguerite placed her cup on the table and crossed her arms defiantly. “Save that answer for the rest of the family. I’m worried about you, Trystan. Even as a child, I found the... arrangement... our parents had to be... peculiar, but looking at it from this angle, I can see our father probably needed it just to survive. But you don’t have that; you’re doing this alone, and it can’t be easy.”

Trystan placed his hand lovingly atop his sisters and offered a reassuring smile. “It’s all right, Mags. I’ll manage.”

Manage. That’s the most he had been able to do since that day. He managed. He lived up to his duties and gave performances worthy of an Oscar. Most seemed to believe it, or had little concern for it’s sincerity, for it was his role that mattered to them, never the man. But Mags was different, and as Trystan fell silent, she knew exactly where his mind had traveled.

He looked at her from the corner of his eye. His heart had yet to accept the fate that his mind knew was inevitable. He spoke with his father... begged his father... to see if he could alter the rules to allow him to marry Carolina. While Trystan didn’t have much hope if he was going to survive this day, he had to push those thoughts aside, and what better distraction than the beautiful woman at his side.

“Could you hand me those cufflinks?” he asked.

Carolina lifted them and watched as the Drakovian royal seal embellished on them glimmered in the light before she helped fit them into his cuffs.

“Have I mentioned how handsome you look?” She smiled. “I wasn’t the kind of girl to daydream about fairytales often, but I still managed to have one or two. And I swear the handsome prince looked just like you.”

“Like me,” he feigned astonishment. “Perhaps you should have aimed a bit higher.”

Taking her hands, he pulled her in tight, savoring her touch, filling his senses with the jasmine scent of her perfume. This was all he needed, a life full of tender moments like this with his love at his side. Should that be too much to ask?

“Thank you,” he whispered, sorrow creeping into his voice.

“Happy to be of service to the King of Drakovia,” she grinned.

“I’m not a king yet.”

“Trystan... let me fantasize a little, would you? I don’t get to play handmaid to royalty often.”

“After everything you’ve seen in this palace, how can the thought of royalty still entice you?”

She ran her hands down the front of his dress uniform, leaning into his touch.

“Because I happen to like this royal.”

“And I thank my lucky stars for that every day.” Kissing the top of her head, he allowed the moment to linger, but the ticking clock reminded him that it was growing short. Clearing his throat, he looked at her earnestly. “I know you and the others booked your flights home. But... we haven’t heard from my father yet. Perhaps you could stay until an answer is reached.”

“Trystan,” she started, “you know luck probably isn’t on our side this time. If the rules could have been changed, your father would have changed them for him and Eveline...”

“They were different times,” he interrupted. “And my father isn’t me. And even... even if things can’t be changed... all I ask is that we remain together. Partners. Lovers. Whatever you want to call us... I just can’t lose you, Carolina.”

“That wouldn’t be much of a life,” Carolina responded, diverting her eyes. “You’ll be required to marry and have children, and I wouldn’t be able to be more than a consort to you, and I don’t know if that’s enough for me, Trystan.”

“I would never let that happen to you.” His voice was commanding, but they both knew the decision wasn’t his. Taking her face in his hands, he committed every curve to memory. Then, a muffled roar drew their attention toward the windows.

“Mother will be pleased,” he spoke bitterly. “After all the chaos of the past few weeks, she was afraid people would be sick of us. She underestimated how loyal... and how proud... her own people are.”

Carolina wrapped her arm around Trystan’s waist. “They’re so lucky to have you.”

“I’m not sure,” he faltered. “Vasili wasn’t wrong about me. It doesn’t excuse what he did, but I never wanted to be king. I never took the idea seriously.”

“You were practically a child then, Trystan. You’ve grown so much.”

“But is it enough? I don’t know that I love Drakovia the way a King should. Sometimes, I believe that...”

A rap on the door interrupted them, and Lydea entered, nodding politely. “It’s time, Trystan.”

“Of course. Duty calls.” He turned to Carolina. “Please tell me you’ll be at the coronation. I need you to get through this day.”

“And if you need me, that is exactly where I will be,” she smiled.

Lydea remained in the room as Trystan exited, and something that appeared to be sincere sympathy was present in her eyes.

“I don’t want to trouble my brother before the coronation, but I should let you know. My father has returned from his conference with the Council.”

“And you know their answer?” Carolina asked gravely.

“Even if I did, I wouldn’t be at liberty to say. But I thought you should know.”

The women exchanged a look that spoke louder than words, and Carolina smiled bravely as she swallowed back tears. “Very well. Now, you need to get Trystan to the cathedral.”

Trystan didn’t realize how long he was silent or how long Marguerite sat patiently, waiting for him to return to her. When their eyes met, a moment of truth passed between them. Marguerite’s face was riddled with fear and pain, but she had put the moment off many times, and she couldn’t allow it to pass again.

“Have you ever spoken to her, Trystan? Did you ever speak with Carolina after she left?”

Trystan’s eyes widened. Though her name was etched in his mind, no one had dared to mutter it to him in years gone by. Carolina’s memory was treated like a page in the book of his life. A page that was torn out, crumbled, and discarded as if she meant nothing at all. No one understood that as he handed them the pen to script the remainder of his story, she would still occupy every page. No matter how hard others tried to write upon them, they could never take her away. His life was no longer his own, but no one understood; he surrendered so much of himself, but he would never cede control of his heart. No one understood... except for his beloved little sister.

“Once,” he spoke so low she almost didn’t hear. “I’ve heard her voice exactly once since the day she left. I reached out to see if we could remain friends because the thought of her being completely absent from my life felt unbearable to me... it still does.”

“And...” she asked anxiously.

“She said she’d call if she ever fell out of love with me because, unless she did, being just friends would be too painful." With a mournful sigh, he lowered his face into his hands. “And I’ve spent every day since knowing my greatest wish and worst nightmare are one and the same. Every time my phone rings, I pray her name will appear, every time. But, now I know, if that day should come, it will mean she no longer loves me.”

“Oh, my dear brother. Then I’m afraid you will never get that call.”

“I know,” he smiled sadly, eyes flooded with tears. “I know... and Carolina will remain no more than my most precious memory.”

“Trystan, I have to ask... I know the Council refused to overturn the rules... but you’re the king... you could have issued a decree at any time and changed everything. You could be preparing to marry Carolina tomorrow and not...”

“NO!” he answered defiantly. “No. Why should I change the rules, Mags? So she could tell me no matter how much she loves me, but she can’t live this life? Or for her to accept and give up everything she loves except for me. Then she could come here and serve as queen, and I could slowly watch everything that I love about her, everything that makes her the extraordinary woman she is, slowly die before my eyes. Would that be better?”

Mags reached for his hand, but he walked to the window with an exasperated sigh. Pulling back the curtains, he took in the adoring crowds, all waiting for him and Jia to complete their elaborate farce. He accepted his fate, but it still felt surreal.

“Leaving things as they are, I can tell myself we had no choice. That fate was cruel, and we remain a story of true lovers ripped apart by fools who could never understand what we shared. But if I changed the rules... then I’d have to accept that we chose not to be together, and Mags, I can’t live with that.”

He waited patiently. Waited for her words of comfort or perhaps a loving touch, but Trystan underestimated his youngest sister.

“You already do!” She spat; her words felt like a dagger. “You had a choice, Trystan. Albeit, a difficult one, but a choice nevertheless... and you chose the crown. I’m not even faulting you; I would never want to be in the position you found yourself in, but the truth is... you had a choice.”

Trystan turned to her with fire in his eyes, and Marguerite prepared herself – for his rage or her need to offer consolation – but she didn’t expect what followed.

“Then I chose wrong,” he muttered. “I made the worst mistake of my life. A king should love his country above all. He should view any sacrifice he is forced to make on its behalf as an honor. I love Drakovia, Marguerite... but I love Carolina so much more. If I had to sacrifice one... it should never have been her.”

A slow smile spread on Marguerite’s face as she placed her hand on his shoulder. “From where I’m standing, big brother, you’re not dead yet... so there is time to fix this.”

“Mags,” he snorted. “Look out the window. I’m to be married tomorrow. If I tried to leave this palace today, Mother would have me dragged back by rabid dogs.”

“Then don’t tell her. Come on, Trystan, you’re smarter than that. I know walking away will be terribly hard, but what’s the alternative? You already said if you have to sacrifice something, it shouldn’t be Carolina. And, Trystan, you shouldn’t sacrifice yourself, either.”

He nervously glanced around the room, his breathing quickening. It's an electrifying moment when a person realizes that they crafted their own cage, for it's the same moment that they understand that they also hold the key. Freedom, sweet, precious freedom and all the promises it offers is now within reach, and the feeling is as intoxicating as it is horrifying.

“I can’t take the family’s plane...,” he stuttered, “and the airports... I would never be able to board a flight...”

Marguerite was already on it. “No, but fortunately, your lovely sister has many friends with private jets. Some of them even owe me favors.”

“And they’d be willing to take on the Queen’s wrath?”

“Pfft,” she scoffed. “You think some American multi-millionaire cares about Queen Viktoria? Are you kidding? They’d much rather play a pivotal role in one of the greatest love stories of all times.”

Trystan stood before her astonished, as realization washed over him; he wanted to run but found himself paralyzed.

“Come on!” Mags clapped her hands, snapping him out of his fugue. “I’ll make the arrangements, but you need to get dressed!”

She stopped what she was doing for a brief moment; she had to take her brother in. She knew she’d never want to forget the smile that crossed on his face. Trystan Thorne was almost free.

~~~~

It wasn’t until he was safely aboard the luxurious private jet that a horrifying thought crossed Trytan’s mind. What if Carolina didn’t want him? What if the two years apart taught her she was better off without him? What if she couldn’t forgive him for not putting her first?

“Bloody hell,” he muttered aloud in the empty cabin.

Being a runaway groom who turned his back on his country for the woman he loved seemed a romantic notion.... unless she decided she didn’t want him in return. Then, he’d just be a fool. But even if Carolina didn’t want him, his choices from this day on were his own. For the remainder of the flight, he chose to remember the beautiful memories he shared with that snarky detective in New York. And the more he thought of them, the more he felt at ease. She had to still love him, too. She never called him like she said, so she had to. Right? He closed his eyes and tried to rest. There was a long flight ahead, and he’d have his answer soon.

~~~~~

It was just after midnight on the day he was supposed to be wed when his plane touched ground at Teterboro Airport. By now, the palace must have known he was missing. Then again, he was of such trivial importance his absence might go unnoticed until he was expected to wake. At Marguerite’s suggestion, he turned off his phone. He’d have to deal with the mess his leaving created, but right now, all that mattered was seeing Carolina. The thirty minute cab ride to the Drunk Tank felt like an eternity, but when he saw the soft light emitting from it's windows, it felt as if he were arriving home. The fear and dread that had consumed him was replaced with a a warmth he had long forgotten.

“Is this the place?” his taxi driver asked. “Looks like it’s already closed.”

“Yes,” Trystan replied, offering several bills to the driver as a tip. “This is the place... thank you.”

“Hey, wait a second,” the driver nodded. “I know you! Aren’t you the king of that little country no one knows about? The one who solved the Hand of Mahra case, right?”

“Yeah,” Trystan grinned, pulling several larger bills from his pocket. “And if you wouldn’t mind not sharing that information with the rest of the world for at least a day or two, I’d truly appreciate it.”

“Hey," the driver laughed heartily. "Keep these coming my way. I’ll forget I saw you myself!”

Trystan leaped out of the car and stared into the pane-glass windows. A plethora of happy memories from another time flooded his mind. He stretched his neck in hopes of catching a glimpse of Carolina, but it was someone else who met his eyes.

“Trystan?” Tommy opened the door with a raised brow. “Is that you?”

“Yes,” the wayward monarch smiled, stepping inside, "It's me."

Tommy locked the door behind them, bewilderment visible in his eyes. “Aren’t you... supposed to be getting married today?”

“Yes, something like that... I can explain later, but I need to see Carolina immediately. Is she here.”

Uncle Tommy took a step toward the stairs leading to Carolina's apartment, confusion replaced with a protective glare as he crossed his arms.

“Now look, Trystan,” he started. “I always liked you. I really did. But my niece has been through hell and back since you split. And I’m not about to allow her to be hurt again.”

“I understand,” Trystan replied pleadingly, “and I hope you'll understand that's not why I'm here. Hurting Carolina is the very last thing I want to do. I'm here to make things right. But it’s around seven in the morning in Drakovia. If they haven’t already, someone will find my bed empty soon... just hours before my wedding was to begin. I’m not here on a whim. I’m not here to cause pain. I’m hoping I can end the pain for me... and Carolina. If she’ll have me, I will make her the center of my world for the rest of time. Giving up a kingdom is nothing compared to giving up our love. I swear to you, Tommy, on all that is sacred... I’ll never hurt her again.”

Tommy looked Trystan over, then reluctantly stepped aside. “You know where her room is. But Trystan, pull anything funny, and so help me, Jesus...”

“Tommy, you have my word.”

He didn’t remember rushing up the stairs or the way he took two steps at a time to get there. He didn’t look around when he reached the landing and had no recollection of walking down the hall. His feet delivered him to the space in front of Carolina’s door as if they had been programmed to, and in a way, they had. He had walked this hall before, then dreamed of it every day from the moment she said goodbye.

His palms were sweaty, and his blood felt as if it had gone cold. His heart raced so fast he was certain it would burst out of his chest. But with sheer determination, he raised his hand to knock on the door, and it swung open much sooner than expected...

“Wow, that was fast!” Carolina. That voice. He'd know that voice anywhere, and when his eyes met her, his shoulders went limp. He was home. At long last, he was home. He hoped the look of astonishment in her eyes would turn to one of joy, but before he could say a word, she gasped.

“It’s... it’s you.”

~~~

@choicesficwriterscreations @choicesbookclub

Tagging others in reblog.

#choices fanfic #playchoices fanfic #crimes of passion #crimes of passion 2 #crimes of passion fanfic #tyrstan thorne #trystan thorne x f!mc #trystan thorne x mc #playchoices #choices the stories you play #choices fic writers creations

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sunflowergirl522 · 2 years

Text

New Years Eve

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Superstitious!Reader

Summary: It’s New Years Eve and Robins bringing her cousin to Steve’s party.

Word Count: 4406

Eddie Masterlist

“Are you sure you don’t mind me bringing Y/n to the party?” Robin asks Steve for what feels like the millionth time to him.

“Yes Robin I’m sure. I’ve only told you I don’t care everyday for the past week.” He’s laughing while he speaks, tossing some more popcorn in his mouth.

“Who’s Y/n?” Nancy comes back in from making another bowl of popcorn, this one for her and Jonathan, and Eddie points her way to show he’s wondering the same thing.

“She’s my cousin, she’s a little bit older than Steve but she was homeschooled and was basically raised to be a shut-in or something so there’s no way you guys have ever met her. I’m shocked her mom’s even letting her out for this but she asked if she’d be able to tag along with whatever New Years plans I had. So you’ll all meet her tomorrow night. Fair warning though, she’s a bit of a whackjob. It’s how she was raised though and if I hear any of you call her that we’ll fight.”

“Don’t worry, Robin whack jobs are my specialty.” Eddie points to himself with his thumb while leaning forward. “What kind of whack job are we talking here, ditzy, space invader, total weirdo?”

“She’s a little ditzy I guess. Mainly she’s just extremely superstitious.”

“That’s like witchy stuff right?” Steve speaks through a mouthful and barely pulls his attention away from the movie on the tv.

“No it’s like believing that black cats are evil and stuff like that.” Jonathan comes back from the bathroom just in time to correct Steve before Robin can hit him on the back of the head for being stupid. “My mom believes in a few superstitions like crossing your fingers and broken mirrors.”

“Why does believing a few superstitions make her a whack job Robs?”

“It’s not a few or a handful even Nance, she lives by them. Like she didn’t go to public school because she was an extremely clumsy child and her mom believes that tripping over something on your way somewhere means you have to turn back and go home and she didn’t trust that when she was younger she’d listen to it. So homeschool her whole life was somehow the answer.”

“Seems like a lonely childhood.”

“Yeah, she saw me a lot growing up but not much of anyone else.”

“What’s in the bags Y/n?” Robin asks as you get in the car she borrowed from her parents excited for your first party.

“Oh grapes and noisemakers. Mom and I went out to get them today in case there wouldn’t be any there. Where are we going again?”

“Right. Remember I told you about my friend Steve?” You nod. “He’s throwing a party for our group of friends and a few people that he only barely knows through like Eddie and Nancy.”

“Okay.” It’s quiet in the car after that and Robin glances your way to see you playing with the hem of your dress where it rests on your thighs.

“Are you okay? Do you wanna just go to my place and we’ll have our own party just me and you?” As much as Robin wants to spend the night with her friends her love for you outweighs it and she’d rather you be comfortable.

“No! I’m just a little nervous I guess. I mean this is my first party and what if your friends don’t like me or think I’m too weird? And what if I didn’t bring enough grapes for everyone?”

“They’ll love you! You’re literally the sweetest person I know, I mean who worries about bringing enough grapes for people they don’t even know? Besides, we're all a bunch of weirdos. Jonathan is a total loser in the best way, Eddie is so weird that the whole town thought he was a satanist, Steve’s just a complete idiot and like all of his friends are kids. The most normal one out of us is Nancy but even she’s a little odd. And the kids are like drawn to oddballs, not that they themselves aren’t odd but they feel right at home with others and I’m sure you will too. Besides you look cute the boys will-” Your laughter cuts her off and she looks at you. “What?”

“You’re rambling Robs. But thank you I do feel a little less nervous.”

You were still nervous though of course. The only person you’re going to know will be Robin and as excited as you are to meet her friends and hopefully make some friends of your own finally you can’t help but think about how you and your mom don’t even go to family gatherings anymore because of how often family members would try to get you to be ‘normal’ and not believe in her superstitions. Your dad's side of the family was the worst when it came to it and you used to get bullied by your cousins so you stopped going to those long before your mom’s. Thankfully Robin's mom and dad were more understanding because if you didn’t have Robin who knows what kind of a sad hermit you would be.

“I’m glad to help. Really though they’re gonna love you, don't stress about it. And I’ll be right there next to you most of the night.” Robin parks the car in front of Steve’s house and turns to you squeezing your knee in support. “Do you need help with those bags?”

“Could you just take the noisemaker bag? I’ve got the grapes.” She nods and takes the bag you hold out for her before getting out of the car. You’re quick to follow her holding the bags in one hand while the other smooths down your dress that got all bunched up in the car.

“Guess who’s here dingus!” Robin yells out as she bursts into the house ushering you in behind her.

“You’re late Robin, even Eddie beat you here.” Steve rounds the corner and pauses when he sports the two girls in the entranceway bags in hand. “What’s all this?”

“Steve, this is my cousin Y/n. Y/n, Steve.”

“Hi! I hope you don’t mind but I brought noisemakers and grapes.” You wave and hold the bags in your hands up. “I hope I brought enough for everyone to have twelve at midnight.”

“I’m sure you did. You can uh put them in the fridge or something, Eddie will help you figure it out he’s in the kitchen now. It’s just down that hallway to the left.”

“Okay.” You cast a glance towards Robin who nods reassuringly at you before leaving her side. There goes your plan to follow her like a shadow.

“Where do you want the noisemakers?” Steve’s response is low as you make your way down the hallway he pointed to and you don’t hear it. When you turn into the kitchen there’s just one guy in there with his back facing you dumping chips into bowls.

“Stupid Harrington putting me on goddamn snack duty.” Eddie mumbles to himself not sensing a presence behind him.

“Um, excuse me?” He jumps at your voice and whirls around. His eyes go wide as he takes in your form wrapped in a white dress with small light blue polka dots adorned on it. “You’re Eddie right? Steve said you’d help me.”

“That’s uh, that’s me.” He stumbles over his words as he fights with himself to make his eyes move to your face instead of where they’re fixated on how snug the top of your dress is. When his eyes meet your own your breath actually hitches at how pretty he is. “What do you need help with darlin'?”

“I brought grapes and Steve said to put them in here somewhere. Like the fridge or something like that.”

“Well then I guess I’m the man for the job. Harrington put me on snack duty even though it’s his house and his party. So who are you?”

“I’m Y/n. The grapes aren’t-” You take a few steps closer to where he’s searching the cabinets for another bowl.

“Robin's cousin right?” He perks up at recognizing your name and smiles when he sees a small one form on your own face.

“Yep.”

“And you’re superstitious right?” Oh boy, you think to yourself, this is where the teasing will start. “Is that what the grapes are for, or did you just really have a hankering for them?” His response is so unexpected that you can’t help but start laughing partially out of relief and the other part at how he said it. The way he looks at you like he’s genuinely interested keeps the smile on your face as you answer.

“You’re supposed to eat twelve grapes at midnight to bring luck into the new year. Each grape stands for a month.”

“Huh.” Eddie hums as he brings a bowl down. “That must be why I’m so unlucky all the time. I only eat grapes by the handful if I need a snack on my way out of the trailer. We should probably take them off the stems right?” He looks between the grapes now on the counter and you who’s now right next to him.

“We can, it’ll make it easier for everyone to grab some.”

“Then let’s get to work.” He moves the bowl in between the two of you and grabs one of the bundles from a bag. You both work in silence for barely two minutes before he’s talking again. Eddies never really been good with silence; it's why he’s talking all the time or always listening to music. “Is it rude to ask why you believe it or if there’s any truth behind it?”

“Oh, I don’t think so. I was just sorta raised with it. My mom says that she used to peel and mash them up before feeding them to me as a baby. As for the truth behind it, I'm not sure if there actually is but once when I was younger my dad miscounted his and only ate eleven, his dad then died later in the year.”

“Shit really?”

“Ya, but he was pretty old and sick anyway.” You shrug. “He didn’t like blame himself or anything because of that. And between you and me my dad never really believed the stuff the way my mom did. He just did it all because it meant so much to her. But that really solidified it for me.”

“Are there any other new years things I should be following?” Your eyes narrow at him not able to tell if he’s genuine or not in his curiosity.

“Are you messing with me?” He gasps as if it’s the most outrageous thing and his hand flies to his chest.

“You wound me, do I really seem so awful that I’d do that?” He then drops the act of being hurt to assure you even more. “This stuff is just genuinely interesting to me.”

“So you actually want to know about other new years superstitions?” The hope in your voice nearly breaks Eddie’s heart because he can just tell it means people have gotten your hope up in the past.

“Really I’d like to know about more than just those specific ones but ya. Wanna just start with the new years ones since that’s what today is?”

“Okay!” You bounce slightly as you start ripping grapes from the stems and Eddie finds it absolutely adorable. “Well there’s the twelve grapes one, um then there’s one about making noise at midnight to scare evil spirits away. I brought noisemakers for that too. That’s actually probably why people set off fireworks and stuff each year.” Eddie nods to show he’s listening and continuously looks over at you as he fills the bowl up. “My outfit is actually all superstition based.”

“Oh yeah?” His eyes rake over the dress again hoping you don’t catch him in the act.

“Mmhm, the white is for good luck, the polka dots are to bring wealth, abundance, and success, and red underwear is to bring luck and help you find your soulmate.” Eddie chokes on his spit at your last comment.

“You still good in here Y/n?” Robin comes into the kitchen and pulls your worried look away from a still coughing Eddie to her.

“Yeah I was just helping Eddie with the grapes.”

“How about we leave Eds here to do it and I’ll introduce you to everyone else?” You look back at Eddie and he clears his throat, nodding.

“Go meet the crew, I'll be out of here and joining the party in no time.” You basically skip over to Robin in your excitement to meet everyone else after seeing how nice Eddie, the supposed satanist, is.

Steve comes into the kitchen soon after the two of you leave and crouches to dig through his lower cabinet.

“Did you come to take me off snack duty?”

“Nope, Dustin’s demanding I find something to put the cookies his mom made on other than the tupperware he brought them in. So I need to find one of my mom's nice pie plates or something. Did you meet Y/n? She’s cute huh?” His voice is muffled as he shoves his head and shoulders inside to find the one he’s looking for.

“Yeah, she’s sweet. Told me the color of her underwear.”

“What?!” Steve bangs his head against the top as he tries to rush out and look at his friend in bewilderment. “Eddie, even I know not to ask someone what color their panties are.”

“I didn’t ask!” His hands go up in defense before quickly going back to dealing with the grapes so he can finally join the party. “I just asked about other new years superstitions and it came out of her like it was the most normal thing to talk about with a stranger.”

“Huh, I guess Robin did say she was sorta odd. So what’s the thing with the grapes, did you ask?” Steve also lets out a little ‘aha’ once he finds the plate he was looking for and stands after he speaks.

“We’re supposed to eat twelve at midnight for luck next year. Each one is a month.”

“I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t that.” Steve rubs the back of his head grimacing as he does so. “It’s nice of her to think of everyone to bring enough.” He starts helping taking over the bundle that you left behind.

“Yeah, it seems like sharing this stuff with others makes her happy.” Eddie smiles as he thinks about how you lit up like how the sky will be tonight as you told him about the different superstitions you believed in.

You’ve been talking with Jonathan about the superstitions his mom believes in for the past fifteen minutes. You could barely contain your excitement when he told you his mom believed in some so he knew about a few of them. You had immediately started asking questions about it while Robin chatted with Nancy. She was nice and Robin was right she did seem like the most normal one, though you haven’t really met the kids yet you were brought over to Nancy and Jonathan first.

“Who wants snacks?” Eddie sings out as he makes his way into the big living room. One of the kids goes straight to him and takes a bowl of pretzels right out of his arms before rejoining the group on the couches. Eddie rolls his eyes before moving to put the rest of the bowls on the fold out table set up in the corner opposite where you’re all standing before crossing the room to join the group. “What’s going on over here?”

“Letting Y/n get to know these two before moving onto the nightmare that is the kids.”

“I’m sure they’re not that bad.”

“They’re annoying little shits.” Eddie chuckles into his can of beer as he speaks. “Dustin’s the worst of them!” He says it loud enough for his friend to hear him and is awarded with a pretzel flying at his head.

“Henderson, what have I said about throwing food in my house?” Steve comes in just in time to see the pretzel land on the floor. He holds his hand out to you once he joins the group. “We didn’t get to meet properly before, I’m Steve and Robin has told me a lot about you.”

“Y/n, Robin’s told me a lot about you too.” You take his hand and he covers yours with his other one as he shakes it.

“All good things I hope.” You nod with a polite smile. “Is your band coming Eddie?”

“Nah, they decided to go to Gareth’s place like we normally would. I was over there for a bit before coming here.”

“You’re in a band?” There’s a sort of awe in your voice that has Eddie bristling with pride even though you’ve never heard of them before. He feels like as long as you keep looking at him like that he doesn’t need to be a rockstar.

“Yeah Corroded Coffin, we play at the Hideout once a week.”

“That’s so cool! I’ve always wanted to see live music but I never know where I should go and I don’t really have anyone to go to concerts with.” You’re a little embarrassed mentioning just how little people you know but you remind yourself that that’s why Robin’s helping you branch out.

“Well maybe you could come watch us at some point.”

“That would be great!”

Robin watches the two of you interact with a smile on her face. You’d think she’d be upset with Eddie taking such a liking to you already but she’s just happy that you look right at home with the metal head. She knew that her friends would be accepting of you in a way that she knows you’ve never really had before. She didn’t realize how quickly you would bond with Jonathan or get Eddie basically wrapped around your finger so soon after meeting him though. She should’ve, you’re a sweetheart and have such a warmness about you that she’s always shocked when you tell her about how some people treat you.

“Eddie’s getting pretty cozy with your cousin there Robs.”

“Yeah.” She answers Nancy with a smile on her face turning her attention back to her group of friends.

“Why are you so happy about it?”

“I think they’re gonna be good for eachother, whether that be them just being friends or it leading to more. I mean Eddie’s still dealing with the chaos of people still not quite believing he’s innocent for killing Chrissy and Y/n deals with being labeled as a loon basically on the daily since most of the town knows her mom or at least who she is. I think they’ll be able to relate to one another on a level none of us really will.”

“Huh, when’d you become deep?” She rolls her eyes at Steve’s words.

“I just know who they are. Are your newspaper friends coming Nance?”

“Yeah, they should be here around nine.”

“Argyle will probably be here closer to ten. Thanks again Steve for letting me invite him.” Argyle had moved to Indiana right after graduating and he and Jonathan got an apartment together soon after.

“Yeah no problem, just make sure he doesn’t smoke in the house. I don’t want the living room to reek of weed again.”

“Do you have any new year's resolutions?” You and Eddie sit in the corner of the dining room while the others who are there and have shown up play drinking games or talk to each other. The kids are still taking up the couches in the living room but now they’re watching Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin’ Eve to entertain themselves while everyone else drinks around them.

“I want to make some friends because I can’t just depend on Robin to be there for me all the time. Not that she wouldn’t be, I just don’t want to put all of that on her. Besides, I’m gonna be twenty one next year. I should have more than just one friend who’s my cousin.” You take another sip of the mixed drink you’ve been nursing for the last twenty minutes and Eddie smiles at how you sort of ramble the same way Robin will sometimes. “Do you have any resolutions?”

“I didn’t really, but now I think it’s become your new best friend. Before you know it I’ll be taking Robin’s place.”

“I’d like that.” You beam at him. “But you should know that no one can take her place.”

“Hate to be the bearer of bad news but I need to steal her away for a bit.” Robin comes up next to you and pulls you out of your seat.

“Why?”

“Because you’ve been hogging her all night Eddie and I’d like to introduce her to the kids before the new year rings in.”

“Wait, what time is it?”

“Eleven thirty eight.”

“We have to start explaining the grapes and bring them out then.”

“I’ll do that darlin’ you go meet the menaces in the living room. I’ll meet up with you in a bit.” You nod at Eddie extremely thankful and a little shocked that he’d do that for you before letting Robin pull you into the next room.

By the time Eddie joins you in the living room bowl of grapes halfway gone in hand there’s five minutes till midnight. He had enlisted Nancy’s and Steve’s help with putting grapes into smaller bowls twelve in each to hand out to people as they explain what it’s for. He didn’t bother separating the rest once everyone other than the kids, you and Robin had some. He figured you could explain it to the group and he trusted them enough to grab the right amount.

“My mom believes in the breaking a mirror and opening an umbrella inside ones. So I tend to follow them too.” Eddie sits next to you on the couch to catch the middle of a conversation between you and Will.

“So you’re Jonathan's brother right? We were talking a little bit about what superstitions he knew earlier.” Will nods and before anyone can say anything else Eddie chimes in.

“Speaking of superstitions, have you explained the grapes to them yet?”

“Not yet, I find it easier to do with the grapes.”

“Alright.” He nods but keeps speaking before you can explain it yourself, his attention going to the eyes looking his way. “You’re gonna eat twelve grapes at midnight to bring you good luck each month of next year. I’m not missing anything am I?” You’re in awe at how he remembered after you mentioned it once hours ago so all you can do is shake your head no, your lips parted slightly. Normally people would choose to forget about it because they didn’t find it important or they thought it was just some silly thing you did.

“Now all of you just take twelve.” He hands the bowl to Max to start the passing around.

“Did you bring the grapes yourself or did Steve happen to have them in the fridge?” Dustin asks while taking the bowl from Lucas and counting out his grapes.

“I brought them, I really hope there’s enough for everyone though.” You go to look around the room at all the others to see if they got any but get distracted when Eddie places his warm hand on your bare knee.

“Don’t worry we handed everyone else some before I came over here. There should even be some left over after everyone has twelve.”

Everyone starts to trickle into the living room as it gets closer to midnight for the count down. With each pass of the bowl more and more enter the space and by the time it’s your turn to grab the grapes everyone is there. Eddie takes his grapes just as the countdown and ball drop starts on the screen.

“Will you be my New Year's eve kiss?” You rush out between fifty nine and fifty eight.

“What?” Eddie asks in response, confused at fifty seven.

“It’s a superstition I forgot to mention before, a kiss at midnight wards off a year of loneliness and I’ve never had one before. And I’m just so sick of having years of loneliness.” You explain it as simply as you can between fifty six and forty three.

“So do we eat the grapes before or after the kiss then?” Eddie tries to get it right before giving you an answer between forty two and thirty eight.

“Mom and dad always did it after the kiss but I’ve always just had the grapes so I’m not sure about the right way to do it. I’m pretty sure the two superstitions aren’t normally combined though.” You answer and think back on all the previous years you had watched your mom and dad do it between thirty seven and twenty six.

“Oh, okay.” It takes him a second to answer as he ponders it between twenty five and twenty. “I’ve never had the grapes and I don’t normally have a kiss so I can’t be of any help with this.” He continues on between nineteen and twelve.

“Eddie!” You get his attention back to you at eleven just before people around you start to chant down from ten. “Can I kiss you?” You ask again between ten and seven.

“Yeah, yeah of course.” He finally answers between six and four. You let out a relieved sigh at three and beam up at him at two. As everyone screams happy new year you’re connecting your lips to his own in quite possibly the sweetest kiss he’s ever had. It doesn’t last long before you’re pulling away to start popping grapes in your mouth. He follows your lead and makes sure you have a noisemaker in your hand once the grapes are gone because he remembered what you told him about evil spirits earlier.

You and Robin leave shortly after that since you wanted to be with your mom for a little bit to celebrate too but you make sure to give Eddie your number with a wink telling him to give you a call if he wanted to know more about your other superstitions.

Eddie Taglist(Closed): @sadbitchfangirl @notbeforelong @munsonswhore86 @navs-bhat @emotionaldreamer @magicalchocolatecheesecake @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @fangirling-4-ever @gaysludge @audhd-dragonaut @eddiethesexy @mazerunnerrose @tvserie-s-world @midnightsgetawaycar @goldylions @spacedoutdaydreamer @livslifeonline @mushroomelephant @hb8301 @ginnupp @saramelaniemoon @kaylshunter @nojamsonmytoast @vintagehellfire @esoltis280 @cole22ann @spikedhe4rt @let-love-bleeds-red @siriuslysmoking @ladybug0095 @toobsessedsstuff @3rriberri @alana4610 @gretavanfleas @sparkletash @herejustforjj @aactuaaltraash @gloryekaterina @quixscentsposts @wormm-mom @eddiemuns0nl0ver @spookyemorockbabe

Everything Taglist: @bejeweledmastermind @matchamunson @bubsonnobx @practicalghost @katsukis1wife @crustyowos @yourfavdummy @protecteddiemunson4vr

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x you #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson #eddie x reader #eddie stranger things #stranger things imagine #stranger things x reader #stranger things #eddie munson stranger things #Eddie munson x superstitious!reader #eddie munson x fem!reader

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granulesofsand · 4 months

Text

Well yes, but actually no

🗝️🏷️ emotional, RAMCOA

I called the domestic violence hotline earlier today, but I couldn’t get through. They have a text line, so I spoke to someone there who told me to call back in 10 minutes so someone would be free. Terrifying, I want to curl up somewhere dark and simply fade into the abyss. I hope it goes well.

They’re very nice. I had to borrow a phone because mine has RTT/TTY software the can’t get past the keypad redirect. The elevator music while I’m waiting to see if the shelter will take me is vaguely tropical — this is hilarious, the stress making me hysterical.

They’ll take us, but it has to be before 8am tomorrow (it’ll be long passed by the time this goes out). Pack pack pack. I don’t know the address, it’s gonna be Uber to the shelter. Scary. So close. We can stay for 7 days unless we get in trouble, then about a month and a half max if they let us. Wanna puke. The last page of our system notebook has the details of what to do. I have to get ready. Leaving, packing.

It took us 13 hours to get an Uber. The shelter staff wanted to speak to us before ordering it. We told them our address at least ten times, between the hotline that was doing the Uber and the hotline that was getting us shelter. The person said there was no lower bunk for us, then there was no bed on the first floor, then we couldn’t go at all. They told us yes, make sure to get here by 8am. Then they told us yes, we’ll extend it to 11am. Now we have to redo the screening in two weeks and hope it’s still a yes, we have a bed.

It is safe-enough in the dorms. We have a bed and a bathroom (sometimes), and we only get hurt bad once or twice a month. I thought they were taking us anyway, but they were just confused. I have to take the stuff back upstairs, probably unpack and repack if they ever do say yes again.

It stung. The constant inability to secure transportation was stressful, plus already having called a DV hotline. Back to bleak hope. I want to cry. I thought we were leaving, I thought we were safe. They didn’t even stay to talk about getting our legal documents or how to reach a case manager. I feel like they stayed too long and noticed how bad we are.

Two weeks. We have to stay alive and not tell on ourselves for two weeks. If they don’t take us, we’re running on foot. I can’t decide whether I’m angry or ashamed. I hate you, don’t leave me.

Okay. It was a rollercoaster, but we can still get through this. I’m taking the bags up, then I’m taking a nap. It’s been almost two days since we last slept. It’ll be alright. One way or another, we have to keep moving.

#ramcoa #tw ramcoa #did osdd #osddid #traumagenic system #cdd system #adaptive system #cds system #active trauma

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dialovers-translations · 2 years

Text

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Azusa Dark [Prologue]

ー The scene starts in the living room of the Mukami manor

Yui: ( I’m not going to leave Azusa-kun’s side. )

( I want us to stay together, forever... )

Azusa: ...Eve, what were you thinking of just now?

Yui: You, of course.

Azusa: ...I see.

ー He steps closer

*Rustle*

Azusa: Thank you...You’re always on my mind as well.

Yui: Fufu, that makes two of us.

( I’ll continue doing my best to try and make up for his one missing arm. )

( I want to live alongside him after all... )

Ruki: Anyway, make sure to prepare thoroughly for our set-off tomorrow morning.

Yuma: Kou, ya better not oversleep.

Kou: Geezー I know!

ー The other three brothers leave

Yui: Azusa-kun, shall we get going too?

Azusa: Yeah. I’ll come to your room once I’m done packing, okay...?

Yui: Fufu, thanks.

*TIMESKIP*

ー Yui arrives in front of Azusa’s room

Yui: ( I wonder if getting ready is taking time...? )

( I finished packing first so I came to his room but... )

*Knock knock*

Yui: Azusa-kun, I’m coming in, okay?

ー She enters his room

*Thud*

Azusa: Ah, Eve...

I’m sorry, I know I said I would come to you...But I can’t seem to decide what to pack...

Yui: ( Wow! His bag is overflowing with all sorts of things... )

I’ll help out. What are you unsure about?

Azusa: Let’s see...There’s just so much I want to take with me...

Azusa: A change of clothes, a towel....my bandages...

The album which has photos of our family...also...

Yui: Fufu, you can’t take that many things with you, you know?

Azusa: ...You think so too?

Yui: Let’s pick out only the absolutely necessary things together.

*Rustle*

Yui: For example...Don’t you think they’ll have towels ready for us to use at Eden as well?

I do think a change of clothes and your bandages are necessary, but...Ah! I’ll let you borrow my hairbrush, okay?

Azusa: ...But...I don’t want to leave all of this behind...

Yui: Why?

*Rustle*

Azusa: Take this towel, for example. It’s the same you used to dry my hair...

Also, this brush is also...the one you usually comb my hair with...

Yui: That’s impressive, Azusa-kun. You remembered all of those moments together...

( It’s honestly a little embarrassing... )

Azusa: I mean, the fact that we’re able to live together like this...is pretty much like a dream come true to me...

That’s why I recall all of them. They’re all happy memories, no matter how trivial they may seem...

Yui: ...Azusa-kun...

Then let’s put all extras in my luggage.

I’ve got a bit of free space left. I’m not sure if everything will fit though...

Azusa: ...Are you sure?

Yui: Of course.

Your precious memories are important to me as well.

Azusa: ...You really are so kind.

ー Azusa embraces her

*Rustle*

Azusa: Thank you, Yui-san. For being with me...

Yui: ...!

Azusa: I lost...my left arm but I promise that I’ll try even harder...so we can stay together forever...

*Rustle*

Azusa: So please, stay with me. Yui-san...Nn...

Yui: ...Ah, wait...

( His fangs are... )

Azusa: I’m sorry...I just got overwhelmed by happiness, making me crave for your blood...

But...You feel the same way, don’t you...?

You want...to be with me, right...?

Yui: ...Yeah...

Azusa: Fufu...Then you don’t mind, do you?

Nn...Nnh...Nn...

Yui: ...Uu...

*Rustle rustle*

Azusa: This side’s up next...

*Rustle*

Azusa: Ah...

Yui: ( The bandage around his arm came loose...! )

*Rustle rustle*

Yui: One second, I’ll wrap it back around real quick.

*Rustle*

Azusa: ...Ah...

Yui: There you go, all done.

ー Azusa steps back

Azusa: ...

Yui: ...Azusa-kun? What’s wrong?

Azusa: Oh no...It’s nothing. Thank you, Yui-san.

Yui: No need to thank me, really.

( He’s acting a little weird...? I wonder if he’s tired from everything which happened? )

Hey, Azusa-kun. Why don’t we call it a day?

Let’s finish packing tomorrow morning?

Azusa: ...Yeah, good idea.

Yui: ...

( Azusa-kun...There really is something off about him... )

( He was having so much fun packing his things up till now...I wonder what’s gotten into him? )

ー They move to the bed

*Rustle rustle*

Azusa: ...

Yui: ( I want to help him however I can. )

( I wonder if it’s okay for me to ask if there’s something weighing down on his mind? )

Azusa: Hey, Eve. Can I ask you something...?

Yui: Sure, what is it?

Azusa: Am I...unreliable to you...?

Yui: Of course not. In fact, you are very reliable in my eyes.

Azusa: ...I see.

Yui: ( Azusa-kun...Seems like he’s still worried about something. )

( Even though I told him how I feel, perhaps my answer wasn’t quite satisfying. )

L-Listen, Azusa-kunーー

Azusa: Goodnight, Yui-san.

Yui: R-Right. ...Goodnight.

( I feel like I got brushed off just now...Or am I just overthinking it? )

( Azusa-kun already has enough difficulties now that he’s lost his left arm. )

( I have to at least make it so he doesn’t need to worry about unnecessary things... )

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the gate to the Demon World

Ruki: ーー Everyone’s here, right? We’ll be setting off to Eden soon.

Kou: Sure thing! Well then, Yuma-kun, take good care of these~

*Rustle rustle*

Yuma: Ah? ...Yer luggage?

Kou: I mean, I’m an idol, remember? You can’t expect me to walk all the way to Eden carrying such a heavy bag!

Yuma: Aah? And what makes ya think Imma be yer personal porter? If ya can’t carry it yerself, you’re gonna have to leave it behind.

Kou: Ehー!? That’s so petty of you, Yuma-kun!

Yui: ( Those two never change. )

( It almost makes me forget that danger is lurking in the back... )

Azusa: Ah...Eve. I’ll carry your bag...

Yui: It’s fine. You’ve got your own luggage as well so carrying both must be tough, right?

Azusa: ...Yeah.

Yui: ( ...I did the right thing, no? )

( I won’t cause him any worries if I carry my own weight. )

Monologue

The journey to Eden,

was even longer than I thought.

After making it past the underground waterway,

and walking through the forest of the Demon World for a while,

we were hit by a sudden downpour.

We had faith in Ruki-kun’s prediction,

that it was most likely just a quick shower,

as we decided to take a small break,

inside a nearby cave.

ー The scene shifts to the cave

Yuma: ...Doesn’t seem like this rain will lift any time soon.

Ruki: It can’t be helped. I suppose we’ll set up camp here for tonight.

Yuma, come with me. We’ll go and gather some branches to make a fire.

Yuma: Sure.

ー Ruki and Yuma leave

Kou: Uu...These wet clothes feel icky...

Azusa: Eve, are you alright...? Won’t you catch a cold at this rate...?

Yui: Oh no. I’m totally fiーー Achoo!

I-I’m sorry...I guess it’s a little cold after all...

( Shame on me. I can’t believe I’m worrying him by sneezing right off the bat. )

Azusa: You should probably wipe yourself dry...

One second...I’ve got a towel in my bag...

*Rustle rustle*

Azusa: ...It won’t open...

Kou: Give that to me, Azusa-kun. I’ll open it for you.

Azusa: Eh? But...

Kou: Oh come on, don’t mention it! We’re meant to help out each other in times like these, no?

Azusa: ...Yeah.

ー Kou opens up his bag

Kou: ー Ah, there it is! Here, M-neko-chan.

ー Kou hands her the towel

*Rustle*

Yui: Thank you, Kou-kun.

You too, Azusa-kun.

Azusa: ...

Yui: ...What’s wrong? You seem a little down...

Azusa: It’s nothing. The rain’s...just making me feel a little gloomy, that’s all...

Yui: ...I see. I’m sorry for asking a weird question.

( I wonder if it’s really just because of the rain? )

( I feel as if there’s something else behind it as well... )

L-Listen, Azusa-kun. If anything’s bothering you, you canーー

Azusa: ーー Eve. I’m fine...

Yui: R-Right...

( ...Seems like he didn’t want me to ask. With how he acted yesterday as well, I guess he really is avoiding me... )

Kou: ...

Hmー ...I’m not sure what’s going on here, but why don’t we go look for some dry branches as well?

Let’s collect a bunch more than the other two guys so we can rub it in their faces. Okay?

Yui: G-Good idea.

Azusa: ...

Monologue

ーー The next day.

After somehow making it all the way to Eden,

the scenery which awaited us there,

was that of the Castle,

which had clearly known better times.

ー The scene shifts to the flower field

Kou: ...I guess this place is no better. I honestly didn’t think Eden was in this dire of a state...

Azusa: ...

Ruki: It would appear that Sakamaki Kanato is unstable after all.

Yuma: Whatcha mean by that?

Ruki: Eden is spiritually connected to its owner, Sakamaki Kanato.

The Castle has fallen into ruin because both his mind and his powers are unstable.

Kou: So we need to ensure that Kanato-kun gains control over own emotions and powers for Eden to return to normal?

Hmー ...That might be pretty difficult. I mean, it’s Kanato-kun we’re talking about...

Ruki: Yes. Not only has he always been emotionally unstable, he is not the type of guy who would listen to the advice of others.

I feel that if we were to try and inform him about the situation at Eden, it would only make the situation worse.

Yuma: So we’re out of options?

Azusa: I wonder...if Kanato-san needs Eve perhaps?

Yui: Eh?

Azusa: I mean, I’m sure for him to become stable...He needs to become Adam...

To achieve that...He needs Eve. In that case, I...

Yui: Y-You’re wrong, Azusa-kun...!

I chose to be with you, remember...? So please don’t think that way...

Ruki: She’s right.

Besides, if Sakamaki Kanato were to deem Eve necessary, I am sure he will come to steal her sooner rather than later.

You don’t need to worry. Okay?

Azusa: But...

Ruki: Sure, you cannot become Adam. ...However, you love each other, don’t you?

You are the one Eve needs. Don’t get that mixed up.

Kou: Exactly, Azusa-kun! You shouldn’t be too pessimistic!

Yuma: If that gremlin tries to take her away from ya, we’ll beat his sad ass for ya!

Azusa: Right...Thanks, guys.

Yui: ( I’m glad Azusa-kun seems to have calmed down... )

( But...Will everything be okay? )

( I can tell something has been weighing heavy on his mind this whole time. )

( I just hope that he won’t keep thinking so negatively... )

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

#diabolik lovers #dialovers #azusa mukami #lost eden #diabolik lovers translation #leazusadarkprolog

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barneyandthepoetrymuse · 1 month

Text

bullies

Growing up seemed to take me forever

I wasn’t invisible enough to be clever

Lead like a ballon and light as a feather

Fast on my feet but frozen by terror…..

All that I thought was all that I knew

So began decades of life to undo…..

Unearthed, unravelled, outdone and used…

Nothing to gain, everything to prove…

As kids we were told what we needed to know…..

Then all those figures just happened to follow…..

I’m so young, am I safe, what is it I feel?

Maybe I won’t even make it to tomorrow?

All that we missed out on still lingers…

And best years are something I’ve borrowed…

All I ever wanted was to be whole…

And not feel empty, insipid and hollow…..

Our friends are the others kids on the estate

Their parents let them all stay out late…..

On the other side of our bedroom windows

They’re outside laughing, our curtains are closed…..

Who can I trust, is there anything to hold?

It’s dark and I know I must do as I’m told

If I run out of breath or run out of time…

Will you rescue me from my own mind…?

At school I’m a window with blackened out glass

Nobody sees through this many masks

I hide from the playground and recoil in class

Don’t tell the kids, don’t tell the staff!

Hide in the library, hide in the coats

Don’t throw me outside where I hate it the most

They’ll have me for dinner, have me by the throat

They’ll be waiting outside unless I’m a ghost…..

The surveillance police with their little chest badges

Take out the small fry with their hitler moustaches

They were exceptional in class so rewarded with power

Placed on the doors during every lunch hour…..

Cheap trainers, outgrown trousers and no zip on my coat…..

Don’t leave me out in this rain getting soaked…..

There’s no ifs on the butt of all of these jokes…….

Everyone knows it’s me on the ropes…

Wait for the bell or get out before

Run for the bike sheds, pull it from the rack

What’s the combination, I can’t take anymore…

Head for the gate with my bag on my back

Don’t try to be big when everything’s bigger…..

You’ll soon know it’s your place to be small

They told me it would all be gone in a flicker…..

I thought I’d never escape it at all!!!!

Who are my friends and who am I?

Where are the enemies, why is it me they want to fight?

I want to be you, I don’t want to be this shy

Don’t make me look small in front of the girl that I like……

Avoiding the cracks I’d step over the stones

Watching my back as I took myself home

If you head this way, that’s the way I’ll go….

I don’t want this trouble, I just want to be on my own……

…..Ducking the punches you throw…

They’ll put coward on my headstone…..

Person of interest, skin and bone……

They’ll think I was nothing and they’d be right

Nothing of substance, too afraid to fight

I used to wish I could go back in time

Be somebody else, care less if I died……

Nothing you did I didn’t survive…..

I managed to get out and found places to hide…..

0 notes

jodilin65 · 29 years

Text

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 1995 Well, the kids hit the front yard late today, but that was cool cuz I knew they wouldn’t be out for hours cuz they came out at 5:30. They were only out a half hour to 45 minutes. Not surprisingly, it was after Tom came home and we were sitting in the living room together. God, are You sure you aren’t trying to tell us something?

We had pretty good sex earlier. Naturally, he didn’t cum. He conked out as I was getting really close, so he finished me off orally.

No call from Goldie and Al, so I guess they got hung up and will try tonight.

I can’t sleep just yet so I’m gonna go either read or do word puzzles.

I feel as if I’m forgetting to mention something of importance. Can’t think of it now, though, so I’ll be back later.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1995 Well, it’s now 19º in Springfield! I called and told Andy who was cracking up with me.

I got two letters from Bob today and I began letters to him, Kim, and my parents. Bob says there’s snow there. Tammy says it’s cold, but there’s no snow. She also said something about Bill’s car getting rammed while she was in the doctor’s office. She said she presented her evidence in court, swears it’s not his fault, but the judge threw it out. Her insurance company denied the claim.

Tonight, Goldie will be calling. In about an hour.

I exercised yesterday, so I’ll be typing and maybe watching TV.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 1995 All is still pretty quiet, but it’s that time when they’ll be on their way out till sundown. I have the music on now.

A few minutes ago I finished working out.

The pool temperature is on its way up to 70º.

Andy mentioned possibly needing to borrow $200 from us for his teeth. Now’s lousy timing to ask us, cuz we won’t have any extra money until a week or two from now. He also mentioned possibly needing a co-signer for his dental plan. They won’t let an out-of-state person sign, but at least his mom did say she’ll pay for anything he needs that he can’t take care of on his own. I left Tom a message and asked him to let me know what he thought. He said I was right, there’s no extra money right now, but we’d lend it to him if we could. Also, he didn’t mind co-signing, but his credit may not allow him to.

Andy and I talked today. He said he understood perfectly well and was able to get overtime as well as accumulate enough money from some change he rolled.

Later…

Now I’ve got some shocking news about Tammy and some unfortunate news about Goldie and Al. Goldie called saying Al and his sister had so much to deal with in the way of lawyers and banks that they wouldn’t be able to see us this time around. She’s gonna call tomorrow evening at 6:00 to say goodbye to both of us, as they’re leaving for Massachusetts on the 1st. In the meantime, we updated each other on our lives and she said she was thrilled for me to have a guy like Tom and she adored us both.

I also got the story straight. I had thought it sounded like she said they had their car flown from Vegas to Sun City. Well, what they really did was have their car shipped on a truck.

She said Ma said something about coming out here this summer. That’s news to me. I thought Dad said the end of this year or the beginning of next. They always mention all kinds of dates, but who really knows when they’ll be coming?

Ma’s looking for a place for them in Florida for next winter. They don’t know when and if they’ll be returning to Vegas. Maybe in a couple of years. They want to be near their sons and their families who are in Boston.

As far as Tammy’s concerned, Bill’s going into the hospital next Saturday for two months.

Guess who came to visit her? Larry and the kids. Sandy didn’t go, though. I’m really amazed. I really didn’t think he’d ever get there. She agrees with me that Larry’s always been a good worker and good with the kids, but there were hardly any words spoken between the two unless she asked him a question. She mainly talked to little Larry. Lisa and Jenny were inseparable and they’re calling each other tonight. Becky and Larry were playing and teasing each other.

Later…

I just tried to call Larry, but there was no answer. I called Dad instead. They’re doing OK. Mom was out playing bingo.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 1995 Already I’ve done quite a bit today. I did laundry and I’m doing more now. I made our beds, did some typing, and made Tom an ice cream parfait with vanilla ice cream and whip cream. I also made mashed potatoes and later I’m gonna make us pork chops and tater tots. Tom’s making chocolate chip cookies now with a recipe he got from his mom.

I wish I had more to say, but I just don’t right now. Only that today’s a great day. Been productive and in a good mood.

Goldie and Al will be calling anytime now, I guess.

This has been a very peaceful and quiet Saturday. That’s fine with me, though. They’re out front, no doubt, but I’ve got the music on anyway.

Well, I believe I’ll go do some typing on 59 now.

Later…

Today’s been a great and productive day, but Tom’s gone to bed. He has to get up early. I’m giving my feet and back a break right now.

Our disrespectful neighbors who may as well own this block have company. They don’t ever go anywhere, so someone’s come to them. I heard them out back barbecuing and I thought I heard a ball game start up, but it stopped, thankfully. All’s usually peaceful till late afternoon, but I’ll have to deal with them till June, unfortunately.

They’ve been there long enough for me to observe something else. That guy over there works 6 days a week from 6 - 7 AM till 7 - 9 PM. Guess that’s the price you pay when you have so many kids to support.

All the other houses are so quiet with older people, so why God? What are You really trying to tell me? Is it just like with the “men” signs? Are you trying to say You want me to get pregnant, but have no control over when I do, if I can? Or is it that You want to taunt me with what I can’t have? Well, believe me, I’ll take one of my own over a million of someone else’s any day. True, I may be sorry I ever had a kid if I did and wish I could have this life back, but oh well. I still believe that You God, are the planner. I believe I can keep myself from getting pregnant, but I can’t make myself pregnant. That is up to You.

If and when Tom starts cumming, and after several months of that, then my questions will be answered, won’t they? As far as what is or isn’t meant to be, I mean.

Come on Goldie and Al! Call me. I’m anxious to know when we’re getting together. I hope we leave shortly after Tom’s home so we can bail out of the bulk of tomorrow’s street party. At this time of year, they’re mostly out front from late afternoon till sundown, but I have a feeling they’re on their way out back. That’ll make tanning, smoking, and hanging out there a real pleasure. Yes, I’ve thought of talking to them, but what good will that do? They can’t keep them inside 24/7 and I’m sure they really don’t give a shit. People with kids think they own the world. They think that their rights come first and that their rights are all that matter.

Later…

Yeah! All’s quiet and peaceful now and the company just left. That wasn’t too too bad. Only 3-4 hours of their shit. It sure beats the 24/7 activity of the NHA. The most important thing of all is the fact that I can sleep and that our houses aren’t attached to one another. Now I can be myself, though, and not feel controlled. Just cuz I love music doesn’t mean I always want to hear it just to drown noisy neighbors out. To me, music is for listening or singing to, not for drowning out other people’s noise or sleeping. Thank God I haven’t had to sleep with it in over a year or have heavy metal concerts forced on me. I still hope that someday real soon they get sick of being cramped in a 3-bedroom house, find a way to make more money, and split. Then we need a nice old couple or person to move in who hates company.

Nah - if they move, God will have someone or something else get on my nerves.

Later…

I have a slight headache now from wearing my hair high up on my head in a braid all day. I took an Ibuprofen which will be taking care of it soon.

I just left Andy a message. I hope his teeth aren’t killing him.

I typed a letter to Larry today and worked on 59 a little.

Can you believe that it’s barely after 8:00 at night and I’m already beat? Can you also believe how much more of a day person I’ve been? Lastly, can you believe how much less my schedule flips around and how much quicker it flips around when it does? Maybe God really is helping to prepare me for something. All I can see right now is the business and the singing being prepared for, but who the hell knows? If I fall asleep soon, though, it’ll be hard to stay up late tomorrow to see Goldie and Al if we are seeing them tomorrow. Whenever we do, though, we probably won’t get home till after 10 PM.

Tom and I exchanged interesting opinions. He feels that things aren’t going to stay the same. Things will be changing that are more than little things. I, on the other hand, believe things will slow down and fall into the same pattern for a while cuz I just had so many changes in the last couple of years. We’ll see who’s right. If the changes are good ones that I can handle, then I hope he wins this one. I don’t mind being proven wrong if it’s for the better.

I just listened to music, so what shall I do now? Should I type more story drafts? Type more of 59? Watch TV? Edit? I’ll think about it as I come to an end in this journal and go begin my next one. I think I’ll do some word search puzzles after I get my next journal started. Yeah, why not?

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1995 Right now I am in a foul mood. I’m stressed out, I’m worried and I’m confused. Not only have I got the stress of surgery over my head, but the date of my surgery is when I’m due for my period. It’s still hard to keep that neutral attitude. I still have scary visions of myself at age 40-50 saying, “I knew I couldn’t get pregnant, so why didn’t I have that operation to get my insides removed?”

I feel I’ve done a lousy job taking care of Tom who’s sick with a cold.

I’m stressing out over next door. I know that for 3-6 hours they’re gonna be raising hell.

I also feel like a lot of the time Tom gives off mixed emotions about having a kid, too. When we were discussing my period being due on surgery day, I realized he was talking about it as if he knew. He knew I’d be getting my period. He knew he wouldn’t be cumming. If he doesn’t by June, then I’ve got to do something. I can’t keep saying I’ll give it a few months, then a few more, then a few more. Why don’t I set a tentative plan for myself? If nothing’s changed by this time next year I’ll at least go get info and set up a consultation for a hysterectomy.

Later…

Well, my foul mood is all gone and I feel a lot better. I’m back to taking things one step at a time.

I did the dishes and worked out a little. Last night I did every single exercise on one of my tapes, amazingly enough. Already I feel the firmer, slimmer difference. The question is, will it last? Even if I keep up with it?

It’s very windy out and it looks like a storm could be rolling in. I have mixed emotions about storms. They’re kind of neat out here and they keep the kids away, but they don’t help my asthma and allergies.

We got our state tax return today of $117.

No letters today for me. I sent Bob 3 self-addressed stamped envelopes. He better use them.

Speaking of address labels, though, I just used the very last cactus label. I’m not using any others now, so I’m back to highlighting entry dates. In the next book, I may use one of the ones with both our names on it. We’ll see.

I just asked Tom if he’d mind my using the splash labels as entry dates since we’ve got a million other labels. He said to go ahead. There are 90 of them. Anyway, I’m off to do some computer work.

Later…

The house smells really good now. I just aired the place out and it’s that time of year where you can smell the orange blossoms even though they don’t smell like oranges.

Tom just went to bed. He still feels pretty yucky, but he’ll hopefully be better tomorrow. He said I did an excellent job taking care of him. Well, I made him his lunch and dinner, but I’ve really never cared for a sick person before, so I hope to do an even better job tomorrow.

Andy’s having problems with his teeth and I hope he’s feeling better. He mentioned moving in with this girl Cindy who has a house, to share their expenses. This house is all paid for. I’ve spoken to her once and she seems nice. I hope they continue to get along and that it works out, even though there are no definite plans yet.

Tom even felt well enough at one point to go to the library and the hardware store. I went, too. I never could get into the last two library books I returned today, but I got one, unexpectedly, and I really like it.

At the hardware store, he got stuff to work on the cigarette machine with, electrical tape, and stuff to shock the pool with.

I didn’t hear any kids out today cuz I had the music on. It was a nice day, though, so I’m sure they were out.

Later…

I just heard something fall and went to check it out, but all seems to be in place. It must’ve come from Tom’s room. He went into his room for the night at 7:00.

I asked Andy if he still believes in praying. He said yes cuz he asked God for temporary relief till he got more money to take care of it. He said he also wouldn’t give up on God just cuz he couldn’t always get his way. Will I ever pray again? I don’t know. I still believe that things are either meant to be or not meant to be, whether or not you pray. I also feel that I’m still making an impossible request (the baby).

I guess Goldie and Al will be calling tomorrow at some point. I told Tom that if he’s still sick on the 26th or 27th we’ll cancel. He says he’ll be fine and there’ll be no problem going.

Later…

Glad I just did a #2. I was worried I was in for another few days of constipation. That usually happens to me a couple of times a month.

Next Friday I’ll be picking up a journal for book 4 of my story, cuz I don’t want to use any of these dazzling books for it. The one I’m using now (#89) is going faster than I had anticipated. Even though it’s got the most number of pages than any others (something like 192), it’s the smallest. Even smaller than 41. I’m using normal-size writing, too. My writing in my paper journal is only slightly smaller cuz there are lines and they’re pretty close together. I believe this is the longest-running journal I’ve had in a while and it’s jammed-packed with no charts or anything else other than “life.”

I had gotten a very abrupt, quick feeling about either getting pregnant or finding out I was in ‘96. Do I still have this feeling? Logically speaking – no, I don’t, but we’ll see as I get closer to it. The stronger my feelings are, the more accurate they are. For a short time at the end of last year, I had a feeling I’d have a kid in November of this year. Shortly after New Year, I had a very, very strong feeling that said - oh no I won’t. Obviously, I was very right on that one.

As far as Tom ever cumming? I really don’t know what to make of it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he never ever did. Also, despite how honest he’s been about everything else and despite what he’s told me about this, who knows what’s really going through his mind? He says the block isn’t about anything to do with the kid. He says it’s about the pressure of cumming. He says as he gets close (and I know he gets close) he tells himself to concentrate on cumming to make me happy and that’s why he can’t. I understand all about blocks as well as pressure, but I’d think that with him as attracted to me as he says he is to me on both the inside and out that that’d make it hard to keep from cumming. I still have a faint feeling of him cumming in either April or June, so we’ll see.

Later…

In the library, there was a book on Linda Ronstadt. I doubt I would have liked the pictures in it when I was younger. They were pretty lousy. The younger ones of her were with her hair short, or they were very dark. They were in black and white and the clothes she wore were gross. There were also a few of her older and fat.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1995 I am at the doctor’s office now and not too thrilled about it. I’ll write more later after I get this shit over with.

Later…

Andy probably has no faith in God right now. His teeth are in massive pain right now, so he’s on his way to the dentist. Earlier he had left a message wishing me luck today. He said when he gets back he’ll let me know all about it and wants to know about my ear which is good news. Dr. Joganic’s gonna hack it off! I’m beat now, so I’ll get into it later.

Later…

The kids just hit the front for the next 2-3 hours, so I turned on the tunes to write.

Jackie, the one who schedules surgery just called. I still have to see Dr. Nielsen on 3/2, but it’s no longer a pre-op appointment. It’s just a regular one. My pre-op has been upped to 3/20 at noon. Then on 3/21, I’ll have surgery at 10:30, but I’ll have to be there at 9 AM. The operation should take two hours and both doctors will be operating on me. On 4/4 at 1:30 I’ll be at my follow-up appointment.

Later…

I just ran outside for half a smoke. It’s quiet back there. The backyards are all 3/4 shaded now, so that’s why the kids have run out to the front till it gets hot in or out of the shade. I wish the sun set at the back of the houses on this side, though, cuz it’d keep the pool warmer for longer.

I’m gonna go write up the grocery list for tomorrow.

Tom’s been in his room sick with a cold, so I’m gonna leave him a note with all my surgery dates on it. I mean, surgery and appointment dates.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 1995 Due to the storm, I woke up pretty wheezy. Luckily, I got it under control pretty fast and was nowhere near the ER.

I began the third book of my story.

Dr. Joganic’s office called to verify tomorrow’s appointment. Tom and I have to finish the paperwork they sent us.

Things are just beginning to dry up outside.

Next door has their doors or windows open as always and I could hear a few sentences occasionally. I think I heard a parrot squawking over there, too. Also, I know their dog’s name is Muffins cuz I heard one of the kids calling him about a week ago.

These people definitely have money in order to pay for and support 5 kids and 2 animals. Not enough money, though, to live in a house where they’re not so tightly cramped and packed in. I don’t know how the hell 7 people fit into a 3-bedroom house, and I just know she’s pregnant now with number 6.

I finished typing Journal 58 and am working on 59 now.

I left Kim a message too, since I haven’t talked to her in a long time.

Last night I really got to thinking about Paula B. Does she ever think of me? Did she ever wonder about trying anything with me? How’s her life now? I hope she’s doing well and is happy. The same goes for Jessie and Cassandra. I wonder why I’ve never heard from Cassandra. Did she lose my number? Or did she decide she didn’t want to have a friend so far away? Did she ever decide she couldn’t deal with only being just my friend no matter where I lived? Should I ever try to contact any of these people? Or should I just leave them in the past?

Later…

Well, here’s what I just did. Jessie’s still living in the area and I doubt if I have her current number. I could make contact with her through her mom in Longmeadow, but she and Cassandra are closed, but great memories of my life.

There’s no Paula B listed and I’m not at all surprised. She probably can’t afford a phone or has a huge bill and there are no B’s in Longmeadow where I think she might’ve lived at one point. I know she had a brother Paul and a sister Brandy, but there were none listed. The operator gave me the number of an Ed B. The wife answered saying there was no relation to Paula, so I don’t know what else to do. I’m not gonna ask the operator for every B listed and she said there were several.

She moved to West Springfield after I moved to S. Deerfield which was when I last spoke to her. Where she is now, who knows? She had a second kid when we last talked, too. Another boy. I don’t remember her ever talking about moving out of state, but she may have also had family in Enfield, CT, too.

I could be very wrong, and I hope I am, but I can’t picture Jessie or Paula’s lives being any different than they were when I last knew them.

I also wonder how Steve and Jai are? I wouldn’t be surprised if Jai left Springfield long ago and is in New York City. Jessie mentioned that Steve lived in Chicopee and was to move to California when I was in Norwich, so who knows?

I never wonder what’s going on with Kacey and Brenda. Kacey’s probably still at Monsanto, either in long-term relationships or dumping people after just a week or two. Brenda’s still probably on psych pills and crack. Probably still quiet, troubled, and hanging with losers.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 1995 I was gonna say, so much for that bulb I planted out back, but Tom said it’s not the time for it to come up yet. The front and backyard need lots of work. The weeds are back in full force.

Not a peep out of next door. Great.

Later…

Right now there’s a serious thunder/lightning and rainstorm going on.

When the doctor did the skin graft on my arm, he did it in the shape of a square. I wonder if he can do it in the shape of a heart. It’d be cooler to have a red heart for a while, rather than a red square.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 1995 Aaarrrggghhh! I’m getting so big! My clothes are getting tighter. I really believe that little by little my thin days are ending whether I exercise or not. It’s ironic how Andy said I looked more solid when he was here. Well, it may be expensive, as I’ll have to be buying bigger clothes, but being chunky won’t kill me. If I was getting into the 130s, then I’d see if I could do something about it. For now, I’ll just look more like the typical wife does.

I just did a major project that was fun and well worth it. I only wish I’d done it a long time ago. Between both Linda and Gloria, I had tons of sheet music of their songs that was torn out of the books. They were all out of order and some songs have pages missing. This is cuz there were pictures on certain pages that I once had. I put them in the best order that I could, punched holes in them and put them in a big black binder. This way, we can set it up on the music stand. I’d be totally lost without that music stand. That’s what I use to type up my journals. Just think how hard it’d be for me to keep the pages open without it. I put address labels on the songs I like to sing that are in my range and style.

It’s a hot day of 86º today. I didn’t lie out for too long today so as not to receive a dose of sun poisoning. It’s very windy out today.

Later…

I just made spag and typed up letters to Kim and Bob. I wonder if I’ll ever hear from Minnie again now that she’s got a kid.

Speaking of kids, and the last two days before today, well, things weren’t too cool for a while there. I feel a hell of a lot better now, but here’s what Tom and I talked about.

While PMS alters your thinking and feelings, I admitted to him that I’ve always had a problem with conquering my fears and going for the stuff I want, figuring I probably won’t get it. Sometimes I even punish myself and I told him that I feel really bad that I punished him while punishing myself and that I was determined to stop doing that and follow my heart, dreams, and desires.

It’s hard to wipe out of my head the shit Tammy and others have said to me about all they go through as mothers. I need to do what I want, regardless of who says what, and have a mind of my own. I have to stop being afraid to succeed and afraid to go for things I want cuz of my own fears and doubt and the ones others have planted in my head. I need to be more hopeful and positive. Yes, there have been things I said I’d never get, like the kind of relationship I have with Tom with a woman and I was right. But I’ve also been wrong on things I said I’d never get that I did get.

I told Tom the “light is green” no matter what I say, no matter how much I may PMS, and no matter how much I may be feeling negative at times like we all do here and there. I want a baby and he does too. We can’t guarantee that and we can’t put a date on it, but we’re gonna go for it as soon as we can possibly get pregnant.

Every day I’m gonna work on my attitude and again, I understand this could take a while. Just like it did with losing weight. And other things. I don’t think it’ll take too long, though, cuz an attitude change is quite different than losing lots of weight.

I conquered my fear of relationships and other things, so I know I can do this. Especially with Tom’s never-ending patience, understanding, faith, and encouragement. Our talk yesterday was great cuz he remained calm and positive. Didn’t get frustrated with me or throw anything in my face that he asked to hear.

I prayed to God for the third time a couple of nights ago. I not only asked him to help me get pregnant, but to be able to deal with not having a kid if it’s gonna be a while yet or if I never can. So far it seems more than a coincidence that I’m more relaxed, peaceful, and hopeful about it, yet patient and understanding that it takes a long time for some people.

What else has got me in a fine mood? Well, yesterday I sang and played the guitar and keyboard. The keyboard, though, was quite rusty. I had to stop and hear the songs in my head that I’d forgotten. Little by little I’ll remember stuff and be like my old self. Still, I’m way more of a guitar player and even much much more of a singer. Later that day Tom and I played both instruments and harmonized together. Our voices harmonize really well together. He plays the keyboard better than the guitar and that’s good so we can balance each other out in a way we couldn’t if we both either played the guitar or the keyboard better. My fingertips are doing better. Today they feel like they have a low-grade fever, rather than like they were just placed on the stove.

What luck I had earlier. I just hit the hotkeys to save a whole page’s worth of stuff I typed when we had a one-second power failure. Gotta reset the clocks soon.

I just realized that I have yet to mention Andy’s visit. He came over at 5 AM on the 16th. He didn’t stay too long cuz he had to get home to bed, but he really liked what I gave him for his birthday. Thank God, cuz I was worried and not sure if he would or not. He was shocked at the 63-page journal I did up for him. I said I figured he’d save it, mail it to people, or give it back to me to send to Bob bit by bit. He said it was so adorable, though, that he may keep it forever.

He also liked the crayon can and was shocked at how many NPN envelopes I had for him. There were about 45-50 of them. He opened one here and dumped all of them in a mailbox on his way home. I also gave him 30 NPN cards I wrote out to Nervous for magazines, pamphlets, and all kinds of catalogs and info.

He didn’t bring me my stuff cuz he came from a friend’s house and didn’t know if he was gonna come over or not. But he looked up the name of Gloria’s daughter for me. Her name is Emily Marie. How boring!

I also gave Andy the tape with the Lindsay Wagner movie and the soap awards I taped on it too, for him. Also, the magazine with the Phase-Out ad.

We called for and received info on getting a business license for a small home business. We need about 3 different licenses that’ll cost between $75 - $100 bucks. We’ll probably use the money from the severance package he’ll be getting at the end of March.

We also got two new ribbons and a bail of pine sawdust to mix in with the cedar sawdust the other day. From now on, though, we’re ordering ribbons by mail. It’s cheaper that way.

Got a letter from Kim the other day, and Alex and I still continue to chat over Prodigy. Still no recipes from Tammy and I’m not counting on that. Still nothing from Marla, either. Andy says they’re probably having trouble installing it and using it. Probably so.

Several days ago Tom and I had awesome sex. Never have we done so many positions in one “screwing session.” We did about 4 different ones that time.

Now for the most uncool news of all. It’s that time of year when the kids next door rule the front yard. This is better than the back, as it’s easier to drown them out with the stereo than it is with the boom box out back. They’re out from noon or 2:00 to sundown and I know they will be quite often till the intense heat comes in. In March or April, they’ll run to the backyard, but in June I should hardly ever hear them. It’s mostly on weekends and sometimes late in the afternoons, but I hope they’ll go to Idaho again in June.

The reasons it pisses me off are the same. I feel controlled and that their noise is being forced on me. Their noise should be for their parent’s ears only. Not others. I shouldn’t have to hear them or anyone else in my own house. It’s just like when that band was a constant problem across the street. I felt his music was forced on me in my own home where if I want to hear music it should be mine and mine only. I’m 99% sure they can’t hear my music next door, but if they can, I don’t feel sorry for them about it at all. Also, like I said before if I have to listen to a kid scream, I want it to be my own. However, I plan to do whatever I can to not let our kid get out of control like that.

It’s just a pity these people can’t wake up and realize that these houses are very close, and what they’re allowing their kids to do is rude and disrespectful to others. If we did have a kid, I’m sure there’d still be enough noise from ours that’ll blend in with theirs, cuz I understand that kids are kids, but for now, while there’s still no kid here, why should other’s noise be forced on me in here? The bulk of the time they’re quiet. It comes and goes in cycles and I know their patterns now. I can have months of peace, but then there are a few days a week for a few months when it goes on for hours. It really irks me. Especially when I’m sitting here trying to have a conversation with Tom and every few minutes a screaming fit breaks out. It’s hard to concentrate. With that shit in the background, I mean.

Do these people ever go anywhere other than to church for a few hours on Sundays? I realize that with so many kids there’s not a whole lot of money left over to go have fun with, but why can’t they go to a nearby park for a day? That wouldn’t cost anything.

I heard another story I heard a million times on TV yesterday. A woman was saying she wanted to leave her 4 kids cuz all they did was steal her life and make her fat. Again, my head says to listen to these stories and be grateful I probably can’t have a kid. My heart says I’m gonna do what I want to do anyway.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 1995 It’s gonna hit 80º or so today and I beg God to death that it’s not a wild rowdy day out there today. I really hope I can enjoy it in peace. They’ve really been a hell of a lot quieter, though. Instead of being directly outside our windows, they’re more towards the house on the other side of their house. There are fewer screaming and no obnoxious ball games. I think I’ve figured out why they’re out front in certain parts of the year. Well, they don’t seem to come out till later in the afternoon, say from 3 PM - 6 PM. Well, the sun sets at the front of the house, so it’s usually warmer out front. Now that they’ve been quieter, I’m not at all looking forward to when they move to the back cuz then they are ear-piercingly loud for endless hours. They shouldn’t hit the back until sometime in April and I hope they go to Idaho again. The weird thing is, though, she said she hated the heat really bad. Then why did she and the kids only leave for the month of June and not July and August?

No music from across the street for ages! I love it! I think that kid did move out cuz I haven’t seen him. Plus, I’d surely know if he was there cuz every time he’d drive in and out I’d hear his car stereo loud and clear. Maybe he and his mother moved cuz I haven’t even seen her.

Today Tom’s working on the cigarette machine. I think I wrote about that, but I will anyway once it’s done.

We may also go out today to the pet store to pick up a bale of regular pine sawdust that I’ll mix in with the cedar chips.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1995 I can’t remember if Tom’s working today or not. His job ends March 10th and he’s saving his sick days and vacation days for my appointments and surgery. Our benefits go through until June.

Andy left a message shortly after 3 PM yesterday, but by then I was conking out. He was telling me he was on his way out and would call, but I haven’t heard from him or talked to him. I left him a message a couple of hours ago. He was on the phone then talking to someone cuz the phone only rang once.

He told me earlier how he got a huge book from his sister Linda in CA on All My Children. His favorite soap.

What was his advice the other day? Well, he believes in praying to God and says it’s worked for him before. He said praying to win the lottery isn’t something you’d pray for, but he’s prayed for toothaches and stuff like that to go away. He said no, not every prayer will come true, but I should pray to God about having a kid. He said to have a conversation with Him, tell Him why you want a baby, but don’t pick the time frame cuz only He knows when the time is right.

Does He? I guess I believe He does in most cases. Especially with stuff pertaining to me and my life, but how can He allow countless teens to get pregnant and feel the time for them was right?

Anyway, I’ve done this twice so far in the way he recommended.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1995 Back to using address labels as date separators. Well, for now anyway. We’ve got so many labels right now that this is why I’m doing this. I have this set and the jewel-toned one with just my name on it. Tom’s got two with just his name on it, then we’ve got two sets with both our names on it. Next time we order new labels, from now on I’ll order them all with both our names.

Andy’s 33 today. I talked to him last night and told him I wasn’t sure if I should feel bad cuz I made him his presents (the booklet journal and crayon can), rather than buying them. He said don’t feel bad at all. Also, he couldn’t afford to buy me anything in Dec. for my birthday, but now he can and wanted to know what I wanted. I told him about the puzzles and the dog mugs at the art store.

I told him to call me today when he got up to see about coming over. I don’t know if I’ll be too tired or not. He’s always way later than he says he’ll be, so I may very well be tired. I’ve been up since midnight last night, but I can’t believe how much faster I can move my schedule around nowadays.

Today I finished typing 50 and it would’ve been done yesterday or sooner today if it didn’t crash on me. Luckily, I didn’t have too much to retype. I omitted a few trivial and non-important things so I wouldn’t have to spend too much time typing stuff I’d already typed.

I called Dr. Nielsen’s office today and she was fixing to call me today. Dr. Driscoll’s taking care of the referral for Dr. Joganic. Dr. Nielsen and Dr. Joganic talked and they are gonna operate together. That much is good news, so hopefully, I’ll need one more operation, not two. My pre-op appointment with Dr. Nielsen is 3/2 and I called and set up an appointment with Dr. Joganic for 2/23 for the consultation. She’s sending me paperwork to fill out to bring to the appointment.

Tom called and brought up a very good point and question. How come Dr. Joganic already agreed to do the operation without seeing me first? He said he thought we’d have choices and one of them would be no surgery on the outer ear. Maybe when they talked with each other, Dr. Joganic said that doing nothing about it wouldn’t be a choice and that he has to operate and do something about it. He also asked if Dr. Joganic’s appointment was my pre-op with him and why they didn’t give me a date for surgery.

Beats me. Guess we’ll find out on the 23rd about the outer ear choices and then on the 2nd, if not the 23rd, about the date of the surgery.

Tom and I had a discussion this morning about my feelings and doubts about getting some of the things I want. He told me that the best thing for me to do would be to try my best to remain in the middle. Meaning, don’t give up but don’t plan or count on things. It’s hard for me not to be more doubtful than hopeful and he understands that.

I guess I misunderstood him when he said to wait two months and I’d be pregnant. He meant if I try not to have it be such an intense obstacle in my mind, cuz that can make it harder. Yeah, he has a point and I see and know what he means about that. I wish I had his attitude, but a bigger part of me is saying to forget it as much as I can and to move on to other things in life, whatever they’ll be.

He said the reason he mentioned that two-month thing was cuz he really does believe that. Believe that no matter after which two months I don’t pressure myself with it I’ll be pregnant? Or in two months from now meaning April? I think he meant any two months like April or May or July and August. Whatever. I’ll still try to take his advice. He said it’s OK to talk about wanting it, just don’t say stuff like it’ll never happen, cuz that may make it harder. He also understands that saying it will happen doesn’t mean that’ll make it easier, either. I guess with me it’s a woman’s intuition. I can’t help but get bad feelings about sterility. I will try to think less and worry less about it, though.

I talked to Andy about it who reminded me never to say never. Don’t think there’s something out there that’s gonna say, “You’re being selfish for wanting this, and don’t think you’re gonna be blessed yet again, cuz you’ve been blessed enough.”

Yeah, perhaps I shouldn’t for I’ve been cursed more than I’ve been blessed in my life.

Some other time I’ll get into some advice Andy gave me which I followed last night. I also have another idea that I feel kind of silly about, but I’ll discuss it later.

Before I go, here’s a note on the flip side of my doubtfulness. This may also sound silly and off the wall, but sometimes I get a feeling about finding out I’m pregnant during journal 86.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1995 Yesterday I typed up Tom Valentine’s letter and boy did I get the sweetest surprise from him. On one piece of paper, in the center of it, is a big heart that says Happy Valentine’s Day. Around that, he typed: To the most beautiful, lovely, pretty, attractive, gorgeous, good looking, beauteous, ravishing, sexy, intelligent, bright, sharp, smart, clever, talented, gifted endowed wife in the world. I hope you will be my Valentine forever!

This was so wonderfully sweet. Especially the words, sexy, smart, talented and gifted.

Later…

I just left Andy a message who I still haven’t heard from and read him the Valentine’s letter from Tom. I also typed it into my parents and Tammy’s letters I just did.

Later…

Tom’s on his way out to work, so I thought I’d write a few lines.

I got a letter from Bob, and due to him writing his letters towards the center of the paper; I punched holes in it and put it in the binder.

Later…

I have so many thoughts and ideas going through my head right now. I know some could be right, some partially right, and some way off the wall. I’m just doing what I do best right now. Analyzing and figuring. Remember how I said that a part of me would think Tom didn’t want a kid and part of me would think he did? Well, I believe way way way more that he does. I can tell by what he’s told me and all the opinions and feelings about it that he’s expressed to me. Well, it has been my experience that things either take forever to happen, if they happen at all, or they all happen at once.

There are only two reasons why I didn’t get pregnant when we met as well as around the time of our wedding or my surgery. One is cuz under one of Murphy’s laws everything happens at once. The other is due to all the “kid” signs all around me and thrown in my face for so long just like guys were for so long. Remember how I said it was quite obvious many years ago that God wanted me with a guy and not a woman?

It’s not that I can’t go to Tom and ask him about his feelings and that he’s not honest with me, it’s just that I don’t want any mixed messages to confuse me more. We can all give off mixed messages even if the feelings are basically the same. Even I have. For example, yes, I do want a kid way more than I don’t, but right now I probably appear to not want one. Truthfully, I don’t on a day like today. What I mean by that is that there’s no way I could keep up with it today till Tom got home. I’ve been up since 9:00 last night. Tom said that if we had a kid, I wouldn’t be in a situation like that, but I don’t get that. I don’t think having a kid will make it any easier for me to always be the day person I’d need to be or get up day after day, night after night, every hour to change and feed it.

Well, I know that Tom mentioned that my being 30 and the year being 1996 appealed to him. He also said a long time ago that June was a good month to get pregnant. This morning I said that March would be a good time to have it to keep it away from the busy months of June and December and he said, “Yes” in a tone I know really well. A tone that said he very much agreed and that’s what he was planning on. When I calculated it, I realized that dropping a kid in the month of March after a normal 9-month term would mean getting pregnant in June.

I thought about it and realized we were supposed to be in business a long time ago and have so many other things done a long time ago that aren’t done yet, or we did get things done, but way later than we planned on. Not that either of us is lazy or deliberately putting stuff off, but still, that’s the usual case.

I told him this morning that I can’t deal with prospective dates anymore. To please not say stuff like, “If you just wait two months, you’ll be pregnant.”

You know how I said my “feeling” of having a kid in November went away? Well so did conceiving in April. The reason why his saying this got to me is cuz I know it’s not true and I don’t want to go get myself all psyched up for nothing. He’s said he thinks we’ll have a kid in the fall. Now it’s the beginning of 1996. He’s said he was gonna cum in the winter of ‘94, then the spring of ‘94, then the summer of ‘94, then the winter of ‘95 and he still says he will cum. I can’t deal with this shit. I know he’s not out to play head games with me, but I can’t deal with bullshit dates.

I need to keep realistic here and remind myself of the fact that I probably can’t get pregnant even if he came in there daily. And that if I can and do, it’ll no doubt drag on for years. Meaning I probably couldn’t get pregnant before 1½ years or more from now. I’m sure he’ll cum when he’s ready to make that kid, but he’s also dropped hints here and there as far as me being right about the much later timing.

One time we were discussing sleeping together. I said it’d be best to do so when we have a kid cuz then I’m gonna be woken up constantly and not sleeping much anyhow. He said he disagreed. I asked if the reason why was cuz it’s so far away and he said yes, that was partly it.

But a month or so ago he said he thought we were just casually screwing without planning dates till it was discovered that I was pregnant. I always said, “Well, Tom, that’s fine, but you’ve got to cum for that to be likely.”

I’ll discuss someone else’s opinion on that later.

This morning we made a deal. He said, “How about it if we do this, but this is only tentative. We can change our minds. Despite the surgery, we’ll take care of the dentist in April and the GYN in May. Cuz then if you aren’t pregnant, you’ll be making very serious plans to be.” Then he went on to say stuff as if I’d way more than likely not be and he knew it. He mentioned asking if all looked OK to get pregnant at this May appointment. At this point, it’s getting harder and harder to think about it in a positive, hopeful way. I’ve had my share of letdowns in my life. It’s not that I’m not used to them, aren’t prepared for them, or can’t deal with them, but I sure don’t want to. If I’m not pregnant by June, then I will definitely wonder about both of us. I just don’t want to be getting my hopes up and all psyched up for nothing. It’s just too damn tiring. I think it’d be best and easiest for me if I think and have the attitude that I’m not gonna have a kid and that if I do, it’ll be years from now.

Lastly, I’m still not 100% sure about what’s up with his not cumming. I’m 98% sure he’s waiting till we make the kid, but there’s that 2% chance that there’s something wrong and he won’t admit it out of embarrassment or whatever.

I finally decided I would call a nurse and ask some of these questions at a medical info line. She did say I should ask a GYN these questions also, and to me, her answers are her opinions that aren’t necessarily right. She’s not in Tom’s head or a guy any more than I am.

Here are the quick answers first:

No, the KY won’t prevent pregnancy but could hinder it somewhat. More so, it won’t be a problem.

She doesn’t know about DES, but has heard of it and has heard that it’s supposed to affect having babies.

Now, as I figured and was told before, my meds won’t affect getting pregnant.

A nurse I once talked to when Tom and I first met said the chances of conceiving without a guy cumming is 10% - 15%. This is also what we had thought. Tom said the reason why there are millions of sperms is cuz one isn’t likely to make it. Well, the nurse said that all it takes is one and that we’ve been beating the odds cuz guys leak (and yes, he does) and there are millions alone in there. In just the leakage from the pre-cum, I mean. This makes me more convinced I’m sterile if it’s that possible and this much easier than I thought.

She asked how I knew he didn’t cum. Cuz he always says he was “so close” and I never feel anything leaking out of me. She said maybe it depends on how soon after I get up. I asked if she noticed it leak out of her when she’s with someone. She said she didn’t know, doesn’t pay attention, but that a GYN could tell if it’s possible for a guy to cum without discharging anything.

There’s also stuff like when he said, “This feels so good that it makes me never want to cum,” a few months back. He also said that if it were all up to him, he’d move in slow motion which is nice some of the time but boring all of the time. I usually tell him to be more aggressive. Go faster and harder.

He constantly goes from hard to soft and always has an excuse. He’s tired, he’s got a cramp, a headache, a sinus ache, etc.

She asked how he relieves himself and she can’t understand him going that long without relieving himself. I assume he takes care of himself and he’s told me he has wet dreams. She then said she agreed with me that his not cumming is psychological. She also went on to say that he could have a deep-seated fear of having a baby that he won’t open up about due to his ego or being sensitive in certain ways. Men have more apprehensions about having a baby than women, he could be afraid to lose me, etc. Yeah, I’ve heard it all. It’s not a guy thing, kids are for the mothers, it’s too non-macho, silly, and the guy’s turned off cuz the woman’s fat and feels jealous and left out due to the affection being on the baby. Yes, Tom has displayed sensitivity, jealousy, and feeling left out, but all this other stuff doesn’t fit him. If anyone has more fears and doubts about it I think it’d be me. I’m the one that always said I was afraid of losing him due to being tired, bitchy, and fat. I was afraid we’d have no time and no lives together. I was afraid the kid would come in between us, worried about affording it, etc. He’s said he’s not nervous about having a kid; there are more rewards to it than bad, and all kinds of positive things about it. I have to believe what he says. I mean, can he really be that much of a liar?

At this point, I’m gonna try my best to look at it like it’s never gonna happen as I said I would. If I’m not pregnant by the time June rolls around, then I’ll wonder if that nurse was right. Then I’ll go from thinking he’s holding off for now to he really does not want a kid. If he cums and months go by and I’m not? Then I’ll believe the DES did get the best of me and God doesn’t want me to have one for two possible reasons. One, it’d kill me. Two, I’d be such a good mom that doesn’t “qualify” in this day and age.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1995 I can’t believe I typed up all of 43 in a day, but I did. I worked on it for about 8 hours. All my journals total 2 megabytes. I’ve got a total of 53 typed up and together they total 556 pages. I need a new binder soon. Real soon. In fact, I could use one now. Not counting this journal or ones with letters or that are already typed, I have 14 left. 76 will probably take forever.

No message from Marla yet, but I’ll check again later today.

I typed Tom up a sweet, romantic Valentine’s letter.

Yesterday I talked to Larry. Believe it or not, he had no new jokes for me.

He said it was cold with 14” of snow.

Jenny got her first bra, he said, and is changing overnight from a little girl to a young woman.

Sandy didn’t want Jenny to cut her hair, but Larry, like me, doesn’t believe in making kids have their hair a certain way or eat foods they don’t like. Mom and Tammy are the other way around. Anyway, Jenny cut her hair up to her waist, but Larry says he thinks she wants to cut it again.

He says he’s happy to be spending more time with his family, but missed the freedom of the open road. He says he loved Phoenix, the desert, and the sunsets. He still says, though, that if they ever do move, it’d probably be to FL. He doesn’t mind the humidity.

I told him I’d soon be having another operation, but didn’t have a date. March second is my pre-op appointment.

Haven’t heard from Andy since shortly before midnight on the 12th. I hope he hasn’t had any more 4 AM visitors knocking on his door.

Yesterday I also finished 88. The second book of my story. I can’t believe it. This is the longest story I’ve ever stuck to. Plus, those 42 pages it began with that are scattered throughout 82 & 83. I don’t know where, when, and how it’ll end, but I’m not really caring or thinking about it now.

I’ve only got 3 more pages to write in Andy’s birthday journal that’s got 63 pages altogether. God only knows when I’ll be seeing him to give him that, his crayon can, his Lindsay Wagner movie, and his magazine with the Phase-Out in it. He should be getting the birthday card I sent him in the mail today if he checks it. He doesn’t check his mailbox every day.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1995 I just hung up from talking to Andy and Marla. They just got Prodigy, so Marla and her husband Evan will soon be sending messages. Then I’ll reply.

Andy said that last night at 4 AM he had a bad feeling about being murdered and he also felt like something was telling him to wash his hands. He was very tired, though, and then there was a loud knock on the door. He said he was terrified, wouldn’t open the door, and whoever it was only knocked once. Then, after a few minutes, they gave up and left. He doesn’t know who it was or how many people. No one he knows would come over at that hour. Especially without calling first. He says he has no known enemies at this time. He said whoever it was probably would’ve killed him for sure and that the reason he had this feeling of something telling him to wash his hands was to make it easier for a coroner to do an autopsy.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 1995 Not much has happened since I last wrote.

Tom’s almost got the cigarette machine done. He said, “Not only will you cut down with this, but you’ll quit, too. Someday we can show our kid how its mother quit.” I don’t think so, but that’s fine if he thinks that.

I finished typing 42. I’ve begun 43 which should be done in no time at all. Some of it has printed-out stuff glued in and there are also several pages with each journal’s starting/ending dates and entry dates. I won’t be typing this stuff up. Not the chart, I mean, cuz there’s no need or reason to bother.

I spoke with Andy last night and let him know what’s going on with my ear.

His friend Sarah who moved to CA had left his outgoing message. He wanted me to tape it and leave him a new outgoing message with my voice calling him Mark and I did.

I saw the Miss USA pageant last night. Texas won. MA was from Wilbraham, another stuck-up little bedroom town with money 20 minutes away from Longmeadow. Mary C was from there. The gay staff member from Valleyhead who was leading me on while she was with Annie L, another staff member. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were still together.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1995 I swear I’ll never watch another talk show again. They’re too depressing and infuriating and I’ve had it with the fucking teenage “bad girls.” This admitted dope head said she won’t quit doping out just cuz she’s pregnant. Her mother, meanwhile, is sitting there saying there’s nothing for teenagers to do in the town they’re from. I can see a pregnant woman smoking cigarettes, but alcohol, pot, and other hard drugs - please!

When I was talking to Andy about how God seems to give all the wrong people kids, he said that those who believe the world is near its end say that’s supposed to happen. Yeah, I know. It’s quite obvious this is “supposed” to happen. Well, maybe I would be one of those wrong people to have a kid cuz I’d have certainly beat the shit out of a couple of kids today at Dr. Nielsen’s office had it been up to me. There was a woman with a 12-year-old boy who was well-behaved. However, these twin boys who were about 8 were the biggest animals I’d ever seen. Totally off the wall and out of control. All kids are naturally loud and wild animals, but I don’t blame the kids. The mother definitely needed some serious discipline-teaching lessons. I could tell that even Tom thought they were quite wild. Back when I was a kid most kids could never get away with acting like that. Fewer kids did act like that back then cuz they were better disciplined and I don’t necessarily mean by being beaten either.

Anyway, of all people I’ve known, Tom’s been the least into saying things he or we’ll do that either don’t happen or take forever. Still, the more I think about his having said, “If you just wait two months, you’ll be pregnant,” it makes me wonder. He says he isn’t trying to force patience into me and doesn’t believe in forcing anyone into anything. This isn’t the point, though. Even though I’ve known how he’d prefer me to have a kid at age 30, the year be 1996, possibly begin cumming around the month of May, and was always in control of cumming or not, it irks me. It really irks me. If I wasn’t sterile the guy would have to cum 1-2 times a day for many months before I could get pregnant. Hell, it may even take years. Also, I feel like this is one of those things that is just talk. Do you have any idea how many times he’s told me he’s gonna cum? Practically since we met. Every week and or month since we’ve been together he was supposed to cum. I know he’s not deliberately doing this to me, but I still feel led on. I feel I handled it OK in my mind cuz the second he said I’d be pregnant in two months, I told myself, no, I won’t. It’s like he’s making excuses to tide me over in between the times I get upset over the situation.

I’ve heard people say that God won’t give us any more than we can handle. Well, I don’t buy it cuz of those who’ve committed suicide. However, if there’s any grain of truth to that and I never have a kid, I can only come up with the same theories as to why. Maybe I truly couldn’t handle it, as I always feared despite how normal my fears are. Maybe he doesn’t want anything to come between Tom and I. We sure as hell don’t. Lastly, there’s always the fact that I ain’t no teenage bad girl. I’m not a druggie, violent, etc. Well, I’ve handled stuff before I never thought I could and have been made to eat my words before, so we’ll see. Time will tell. Maybe God’s saying, “Hey! You’re selfish to want and demand more than you’ve already got. You can’t have it all. You can’t have everything you want.”

I can’t believe I’ve kept my schedule steady for this long and have made it to all my appointments. There’s no way I could’ve and would’ve done that when I was back on my own. Guess what, though? Tomorrow I sure as hell am sleeping as late as this body wants to till it awakens on its own.

Later…

I just did some more story typing and more typing of 42. I also typed up letters earlier to my parents, Tammy, Bob and Kim.

Tom and I spoke to Dad earlier to fill him in on the latest ear scoop. Ma wasn’t there, but Dad will fill her in, of course.

Dad’s going up to Brimfield in May to help the E’s out with their flea market up there. I remember them and the flea market there. Mom and Dad have flea marketed there, so to speak, a few times. At least Tammy will be happy about that, cuz of course Dad we’ll visit her and everyone else. All the family and friends, I mean.

I know I wrote about this, but back in ‘89 or ‘90 when I still lived in Springfield on Woodside Terrace, Dad and I were at the E’s house for dinner. They lived right by the flea market. Boo and Max were there too, and Max wouldn’t shut the fuck up and let me have hardly any time with Dad. Then they drove me back home and Boo asked me about Mom. She wasn’t too pleased when I said I didn’t know too much since we hardly ever got along. She asked, I told her. This was the only time they ever got on my nerves, though.

Dad said Mrs. E flew out from Hartford the other day at only -2º. Dad also said they had a record low of 36º in Florida. In Bob’s letter, I got today, he mentioned the 10-15 inches of snow, as Alex did a few days ago through Prodigy. I certainly don’t miss that shit, even though it’s chilly as all hell out there right now. Our afternoons are gorgeous and warm, though.

It’s nice right now to not have to give a damn what time I fall asleep or wake up. Like I said before, though, I’m sure I’ll sleep the day away tomorrow.

I’ll probably work on my story tomorrow, read, write, and do whatever. I still haven’t finished my music puzzle, but there’s no hurry. It sure will be a challenge, though, as the remaining 50 pieces or so are all black.

My next appointment to see Dr. Nielsen is set for March 2nd at 4 PM. Glad it’s not the 26th or 27th of this month and I hope Dr. Joganic’s isn’t either. I haven’t got a date yet on when we’ll see him. Dr. Nielsen’s office will let me know. Joganic sure is a funny last name. It’s even cornier than mine.

Tom said he could have sworn he heard a woman at work say her GYN at the main Cigna building’s last name is O. Well, Jews seem to either be doctors, lawyers, or the black sheep of their families!

Did I mention that I accidentally taped about 10 -15 seconds over that Terry Jacks song? Well, I did and tried for hours on two different days to get them to play it. When I called the station, the DJ said he would, but that’s people for you.

Guess I’m gonna go have a smoke now, then maybe I’ll hit the sack.

Later…

Today I got up at 3 PM. I’m surprised I didn’t sleep till 5:00, but I feel great.

I’m doing laundry now and I’ve typed up more of 42.

Tom’s working on the computer for a while till we have fun. I think he’ll want to go down on me, but even though I just changed the sheets, I know I can count on him not to mess them up. That is if we screw, I mean. It’s not April, but April’s still just one big joke to me till and if I ever see differently.

Dad mentioned on the phone yesterday the possibility of them coming here at the end of this year or the spring of ‘96.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1995 Got a Valentine’s card for both of us from mom and dad and a letter from Bob.

In the car, on our way out to the appointments, I nearly killed Tom with this journal. The sun reflected in his eyes, nearly blinding him.

Actually, I really want to go get some letters written. Typed, I mean, so I’ll come back later and write.

Later…

OK, all about my appointment now. My hearing has increased by almost ½, but it could’ve been better if my ear canal wasn’t squished shut. The inner ear is still looking great and the skin graft has healed well, even though it’s not as thick as he’d like it to be. In 4-6 weeks he does have to operate again to re-open the outer ear canal. The good news is that this operation will take only two hours and not 5. Recovery will be speedy and virtually painless. Nowhere near as rough as the last time. No pressure strap either! I hated that thing. He thinks that that’s what may have caused the plastic piece in the frame to poke through. He had to do it, however, to stop the major bleeding. He’s gonna vaporize the area with a laser. The two reasons he’s got to operate are so I don’t get a deadly infection, which would most definitely happen. Also, so I can hear even better. He bluntly admitted that his territory is the inner ear only. At least we know he doesn’t have an ego. We’re being referred to a Dr. Joganic who does the outer ear stuff. They’re gonna see if they can team up together so they can both do their stuff in 1 operation.

I’ll probably have 3 choices as far as what can be done about the plastic piece that’s exposed. 1. To hack off the upper ear completely. This is probably what I’ll do cuz it seems to be the quickest and easiest thing. So, my ear will be uglier than all hell. Oh well. 2. Is to rebuild it from scratch. Supposedly the doctor can take cartilage from my ribs. Having an incision in my belly area probably won’t tickle, but at least I don’t care about the scar. Not when I already have a million scars and stretch marks and other skin defects. 3. Is to do nothing about it at all if that’s not dangerous.

Dr. Neilson said he’d do another skin graft from the same area under my left upper arm. The scar tissue apparently built up and squished the ear canal shut, so this is why he’s got to re-graft the outer canal. He said there’s a 98% success rate for the second operation keeping the canal wide open.

I had been worried that I wouldn’t be able to get on with my life and that I’d have a million doctor’s appointments a month for the next year or so, but he said not to worry and to go ahead and get on with my life.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1995 I got 15 minutes of him playing van next door for the first time in a week or two. Must be my compensation for the kids being quieter, but I’ll take that over the kids. The guy’s so weird, though. Must’ve been doing something he didn’t want his family to see. Or maybe he was taking his sweet time as far as entering a house with a million screaming kids after a long day of work.

Yesterday I finished typing up 37 and began 42 today. All the ones between 37-42 are either done or just letters.

Amazingly enough, I pulled myself out of bed around noon again today. Can’t believe I’ve been holding the same schedule now for over a week. Tom’s gonna wake me up tomorrow shortly after noon. I have those two appointments tomorrow. I am not looking forward to them!

I had pork chops and tater tots ready for when Tom got home. I did my nails and vacuumed after Tom fixed the vacuum, and that’s really about all. I’m not in the mood to read or finish up the puzzle, so I guess I’ll go do some computer work.

I wish I had been more organized when I first began editing. I should’ve made a list and edited one convo at a time. Due to my having jumped around so much, who the hell knows where I am? I believe I’ve edited almost everything I’ve got and am far from being as backed up as I thought.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 1995 I haven’t been as consistent with my writing lately, have I? Where do I begin now? Well, with whatever comes to mind, I guess.

Very late Sunday night I was talking with Andy. He called the Springfield weather line and I called his machine so we could tape it. Sure enough, it was 0º with an expected high for the next day only in the middle teens. We were cracking up and I played the tape for Tom and Tammy after I taped it onto a regular tape. At that time it was 62º here with an expected high of 82º for the next day.

I laid out today, but not for very long at all. It only takes me about 45 minutes to start getting sun poisoning.

Next door’s been great.

Got a message from Alex the other day and a letter from Kim. She had also enclosed a “love letter” she got from Bob who I haven’t been hearing from too much.

Yesterday I finished that 1000-piece puzzle and am almost done with the 500-piece one.

I have been having to set my clock for noon so as to be able to make it to my appointment OK. It’s been hard, but I’ve been doing it.

Later…

Wow! I guess I really can tell when I’m ovulating. The book said something about slight quick cramps and higher temperatures. Also, your fluids are runnier. I thought this would normally all happen at once, but about 4-5 days ago I was “runny” for a few days. Then two days ago I had a few cramps and right now, 14 days after my period, my temperature’s 99.1.

Not surprisingly, Tom’s beat and is going to bed.

When I’m mid-cycle, he gives off just as many mixed messages about having a kid as I sometimes do, though not nearly as much as he does. I’m sure everyone does this at some point, but I can think of lots of things he’s said to indicate he does want a kid and lots of things he’s said to indicate he doesn’t. He’s told me that he likes the idea of it being 1996 and my being 30 when we have a kid. Therefore, maybe in April or May, he’ll let himself cum. He’s still “always close.” If he doesn’t cum by April or May then I’ll wonder if he really does want one, even though he says he does, or if there’s anything wrong with him. He’s said he’s cum before, so I still assume he’s holding off.

We did screw around last night and it was great. Once again I was able to cum as long as I fingered my clit.

Tomorrow evening I’ll take my temperature again to see if the higher temp lingers on and for how long.

Later…

Tom and I had a productive talk before he went to bed. We always communicate and talk, but this was different and I’m glad to be enlightened, so to speak. As smart as I am, I felt really bad and stupid for not understanding a certain thing, but Tom told me not to think I did anything wrong or bad. He said he wants a kid really bad, but to understand how pressure can make things hard for you, even if it’s all about something you want to do. I want to be more of a day person, but it can be stressful. I want to cut down on my smoking, but that can be stressful, too. He said if I just wait two months, I’ll be pregnant. I’m so so so sorry if I’ve appeared to be pressuring this man. He understands, though, that I never meant to pressure him and that’s OK to discuss something you’re interested in (despite my fears about it) like how he and I constantly gab about computers and music. I didn’t realize that this is a different kind of pressure and I’m glad I can see that now for both of our sakes. Otherwise, he and I are doing fine and getting along just great.

Tom’s hairdresser had really nice long beautiful hair. Mine’s an inch away from the crack of my ass, but she really inspired me to keep up on mine. I sat back and said to myself, hey, why are you doing this? Why are you neglecting your hair when you don’t have to worry about money and you’ve got a perfect hairdresser living right here 24/7? So, on March 1st, I’ll probably have Tom take 2” off. Then 1” every 6 weeks. I’ve been using the detangler which is very heavy. She recommended something called Ensure by Nexus and says it’s lighter and works better.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1995 Where shall I start tonight with my update? Well, yesterday Tom and I went out and he got his hair trimmed. He has curly hair and when you pulled it straight it was in between his neck and the middle of his back. He got a few inches trimmed, but it’s still kind of long.

We went to the library. He got a book on how to fix CD players and has begun fixing the CD player I had bought with my rent deposit from Russ. That was the very end of March of ’91, a few days before I moved to S. Deerfield. I got a regular-print mystery book and a large-print romance novel. Large print is really cool, but I just couldn’t get into this romance book, so I’ve just begun the mystery.

While he was getting his haircut, I went to the art store nearby with a $20 bill he gave me. There I got another silk-like flower and a long leafy vine-like thing. I’ve got that strung across the living room/hall doorway. We still plan to get some wire mesh someday, more flowers little by little, and build an arc of flowers in one of the doorways.

I also got a mug with a picture of a collie. They have tons of dog mugs there and little by little I’d like to replace my mugs with them.

Lastly, I got a 500-piece puzzle of a piano, sheet music & violin. They had several nice puzzles and I’m almost done with the one I’ve been doing. No more 1000-piece puzzles, though. They’re a pain in the ass. Especially on a regular-size table with no room to spread out the pieces to see them better.

Tom picked up tax forms at the PO after his hair was done.

Tom showed me where the nearest regular mailbox is. It isn’t too far from here, but I still wish there were one on this street corner.

Today Tom and I went to Scottsdale (Snottsdale) for a job fair at Wells Fargo Bank. He wasn’t impressed at all and said they pay pretty shitty dough.

Later…

Next door has been wonderful. The last week has been warm to even kind of hot in the low 80s. I was really afraid I’d get no peace out back, but all’s been just great. They’re moved to the front of the house as they do at this time of year. Why I don’t know, but there’s been no ear-piercing screaming or ball games.

Got another Prodigy letter from Alex and I replied back.

Tammy told me about a week ago she’d put some recipes on Prodigy. Yeah, right. Does she ever do anything she says she’s gonna do? Not since I’ve been out here.

Late last night I rearranged the living room. I was afraid it might be a bitch, but it was a piece of cake. It looks really nice, but we still want and could use an entertainment center.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 1995 Our winter here is definitely on its way out. It was 82º today and it’ll be 84º tomorrow. I laid out in the sun today and yesterday for about an hour. I began to get sun poisoning on my thighs, though, so I have to not lay out, but I can still go out and do whatever. I do have more color, though.

Yesterday I finished typing 36 and now have 50 journals typed up. It’s amazing that I’ve typed up my life on Oswego St. and Woodside Terrace in Springfield, then S. Deerfield and Norwich. Then the two apartments I was in at the Vista and now I’m right where I just moved in Crystal and just met Tom.

Larry called last night. Sandy and Jennifer got their cards yesterday. I talked to all 4 of them there and I was laughing at Sandy. We’ve been having beautiful weather and it’s freezing there.

Larry and I exchanged jokes as usual.

That tennis player Martina Navratilova was found drowned.

They found her face down on Ricki Lake.

After a cigarette break and a change of pens, I’ll write more bad news about my ear.

Later…

The doctor was worried that this plastic thing they put in my ear frame in Boston may poke through. Well, it did, so now I may have to see a plastic surgeon cuz he only deals with the inner ear. Great. Just great. I’ve really had enough of this. It makes me just want to forget about continuing on with my ear, fuck the dentist, and fuck having a kid. I don’t really know if I’m even gonna bother with my two appointments next week. If I did, it’d only be cuz of how much it means to Tom.

I talked with Tammy today who didn’t get a call from Larry last night. I knew she talked to little Larry a few times and I had thought she had also talked to Sandy and Jenny, but she’s never talked to them.

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hispipsqueak · 3 years

Text

Sweet Little Sister

Tenya Iida x F!Reader x Tensei Iida NSFW

TW: STEPCEST. I cannot stress this enough. If you do not like stepcest, skip this fic my friend. Reader is the Iida brother’s new stepsister and things get wild. All characters are 18+.

Other TW: unprotected sex, threesome, a lot of little sister/big brother type stuff, slight yandere Iida brothers, oral F and M receiving.

WC: 4k

A/N: Y’all have no idea how long I have been putting off writing the ending because it was HARD and I have like one brain cell. This fic has been the bane of my existence and I’m exhausted. I really hope you guys enjoy this. Please send me love....and snacks. I’m gonna go to bed now.

You fixed your skirt for the millionth time. You were going to finally meet your future stepbrothers for dinner tonight and you were a bundle of nerves.

Your mom had been dating a new man recently who she was head over heels for. They had been spending so much time together and he spoiled her, flying her abroad on weekend getaways all the time. Apparently, he had popped the question when they were in Greece last week and the two of them were flying in tonight to celebrate with both families. All you knew was he had two sons, both a little older than you. However, since the romance had been so quick, you hadn’t met them yet.

You were the last to arrive for dinner, and as you pulled up to the house, the house that you soon would all share, your jaw dropped. It was MASSIVE, nothing short of an estate. You knew your future stepdad was rich, but this was certainly a step up from your measly 2 bedroom apartment you shared with your mother.

You rang the doorbell, patting down your outfit one more time before the door swung open. A tall man opened the door and your eyes widened. His white button up stretched over his broad chest and you quickly pulled your eyes up to his face. He had navy hair, neatly combed back and a bright beaming smile.

“You must be Y/N! I’m Tensei!”. He pulled you into a tight hug and you were pressed into his chest. He smelled like pine and clean laundry and you felt your heart race. He let go of you and smiled, his blue eyes sparkling.

“Sorry! I just figured, since we are going to be brother and sister, we better get close!”

Right. Brother. This was your big brother and you could NOT think of him any other way. You forced a smile on your face, and nodded.

“You’re right! It’s great to finally meet you.”

“There you are – oh hello. I apologize for my interruption! I’m Tenya Iida.” Tensei’s brother, a literal carbon copy of him, just with square glasses perched in front of his blue eyes, walked into the room. You looked up at both of them, and felt very small.

“Tenya, no need to be so formal. Y/N is our new little sister, and we should be bonding!” Tensei teased, poking Tenya in the ribs. A bright blush crept on his cheeks and the two of them argued.

“I’m glad the three of you seem to be getting along well!” A man who resembled the two, only older with a grey streak in his hair smiled. Your mother stood next to him, the sparkly diamond standing out on her hand.

“Let’s get to dinner.”

Somehow you ended up sitting between Tensei and Tenya at the long table. Your parents were too busy being lovestruck teenagers to really pay the three of you any mind, and you ate your dinner in awkward silence until Tensei began speaking.

“Y/N, I hope you like your bedroom here! It’s on the top floor but it’s between both mine and Tenya’s so if you ever need your big brothers, we are right next door!”

You giggled, “Thank you. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”

Tenya nodded solemnly, “It’s our duty as older brothers to protect you! We will take this responsibility seriously!”

You bit back a laugh. “Thank you Tenya. I already feel very welcome and safe.”

The three of you continued talking and soon, dinner was over. Both of the brothers insisted you head up to your room as they cleaned up, and your parents headed to their room which was thankfully, in another wing of the house.

You made your way up the stairs and opened the door that Tensei had directed you to and it was very...pink. There were pink lilies on the nightstand and a huge baby pink comforter on the bed surrounded by fluffy pastel pillows. A white vanity sat in the corner with a matching chair and white and pink dressers stood against the wall.

You supposed they were really glad to have a little sister and you smiled at the card that your new older brothers signed. You pulled your overnight bag open and searched for clothes to sleep in. The rest of your stuff would be arriving tomorrow, so you were stuck wearing shorts a little too small and a tank top that left very little to the imagination. You looked in the mirror. Maybe you could ask Tensei for a shirt to cover up, As if reading your mind, a knock at the door interrupted your thoughts.

“I just came by to…say goodnight!” Tensei’s eyes trailed down, before he blinked and looked back at your face. You could see his ears reddening and crossed your arms in an attempt to hide your cleavage.

“Um, actually I was wondering if I could borrow a shirt, Tensei? I’m so sorry, it seems that I haven’t worn this in a lot longer than I thought.” You laughed nervously.

Tensei straightened up.

“Of course! I’ll uh, be right back!” He sped off and returned with a large grey t-shirt that you immediately threw on over yourself. As you pulled it over yourself, you didn’t see Tensei’s eyes roam down your exposed legs. You turned to him. “Thank you so much Tensei. Sweet dreams!” You said, giving him a tight hug. He nodded and headed back to his room, passing Tenya in the hallway. Tenya gave him a curious look and Tensei just returned a tight-lipped smile before locking his door and collapsing on his bed, his cock straining against his boxers.

------

The next morning you woke up refreshed and wanting to thank your new brothers for their hospitality. You headed out to the hall to see if they were awake. You opened the door to see Tenya standing there.

"Hey! I was just looking for you! Good morning Tenya." You smiled at him.

"Good morning." He said looking at you curiously. "Is that Tensei's shirt?"

You looked down and gave a sheepish grin.

"Oh! Yes, I had another shirt on but it was a little too small so he let me borrow this last night."

Tenya had an unreadable look on his face. You cocked your head to the side.

"Um...so anyway, I was wondering if you wanted breakfast? I wanted to show my appreciation for the warm welcome to my new brothers and I love to cook so it's my pleasure." You smiled at him. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, then just nodded.

"Uh...thank you, Y/N that would be wonderful. I'll show you around the kitchen." He said, placing a hand on your shoulder. He pulled back. "Apologies!"

You laughed.

"Tenya, please. We live together. I want you to feel comfortable around me!" You pulled him into a hug, your face in his chest.

Tenya's heart raced and he prayed you couldn't feel his growing erection. You were so soft and smelled so good and fuck you looked incredible in those tiny shorts, though he felt a strange pang of jealousy over you wearing his brother's shirt.

She's your sister. Your little sister. That's disgusting and disgraceful.

His head raced with thoughts and he felt so ashamed but the taboo aspect fueled the fire burning inside him.

You pulled away, looking up at him with those beautiful bright eyes. His heart thumped in his ears.

"Oh, good morning!"

Tensei's door swung open. He stood shirtless in a pair of red flannel pajama pants and neither of the brothers missed how your eyes were drawn to his muscular chest before you composed yourself.

Tenya glared at Tensei, who gave an easygoing smile in return.

"I hope you slept well, little sister." Tensei asked you. You nodded and thanked him again for the shirt.

"I hope you're hungry. I'm making breakfast." You grinned as the three of you headed to the kitchen. Tensei chuckled.

"That sounds wonderful Y/N. Do you need any help?"

You shook your head. "Nope! Let me treat you both as a thank you. I've always wanted older brothers to make food for and dote on." You giggled. "Maybe I watch too much anime but I always loved that idea."

Both brothers sat at the island in the kitchen watching you as you flitted about grabbing ingredients and utensils to use. You reached for a box of flour on a high shelf and your shorts ran up even higher, giving them an eyeful of the curve of your ass. Tensei bit his lip, and Tenya cleared his throat. "Allow me!"

You spun around, "No way! I told you. I can handle making my brother's breakfast!" You turned back to the cabinet, jumping up to reach.

Even though you had Tensei's shirt on, your breasts jiggled and bounced with each jump, and you made soft panting noises as you attempted to pull the box down. Both of them were grateful for the island that prevented you from seeing their cocks fully aroused now.

You, having finally gotten everything you needed, turned away from them again as you began to cook on the stovetop. Tensei had finally had enough. As you talked about whatever it was you were talking about, he slipped his cock over the waistband of his pants, palming it slowly. You just looked so fucking nice, and for a moment Tensei could see you as his cute little housewife and not his innocent little sister.

Or maybe it turned him on more to think of you as both...fuck what was the matter with him? He couldn’t think about it too long as he had more pressing matters at hand, literally.

Neither you nor Tenya seemed to notice he was preoccupied and you continued joking and laughing. Suddenly you whipped around to face him. His hand froze on his cock and he coughed to cover his discomfort.

“Tensei, how do you like your eggs?”, You asked innocently, completely oblivious to the death grip he had on his cock underneath the island.

“Uh...erm, anyway is fine! I’m sure they’ll be delicious if you cooked them.” He stammered out, praying you didn’t continue the conversation. You smiled, and turned to ask Tenya his preferences. Once Tensei was sure you were distracted, he slowly pumped his hand up and down his cock again. Precum leaked from the tip and knowing you could catch him, knowing you were less than 5 feet from him, only fueled his arousal. What would you do if you caught him? Would you be disgusted and upset? Or would you offer to help, offer to take care of your big brother?

God he was so close, so close imagining your hands wrapped around him, your beautiful face looking up at him, so sweetly, so innocently –

“NHGG!” he groaned, shoving his cock in his pants as his cum spilled over his hand. He could feel the fabric spreading his seed all over his cock and he felt uncomfortably sticky.

“Are you okay, big brother?” Your eyes were wide with worry. He turned to face both you and Tenya.

“Y-yes! Sorry, muscle cramp in my leg. Happens sometimes, Sorry!” He smiled reassuringly as the cold fabric stuck to his softening cock. You still looked worried and he flashed you a bright grin. “I promise, I’m fine.”

You nodded and turned back to the food. Tensei met Tenya’s stare, the younger man’s eyes narrowed to slits.

Oblivious, you plated the food.

“Let’s eat!”

--------

The three of you navigated your new sibling relationship as well as possible. You loved your new older brothers and fussed over them daily, cooking for them and doting over them any time they were home. Your mom and stepdad, seeing how well the three of you got along, often left the three of you home while they jetted to far off countries on lavish vacations.

The boys loved the attention from you. Their packed lunches, your soft hands rubbing their shoulders or playing with their hair as they laid on the couch after a long day. You were so sweet and beautiful as you flitted around the house, cooking dinner or doing chores. And those days where they would come home to find you lounging by the pool outside? Your tiny swimsuit leaving little to the imagination? Well those were just bonuses.

Those nights, as you slept soundly in your bed, on the other side of the wall, Tenya gripped his cock tightly. Your curves ran through his mind and he spat on his throbbing cock as he thought about you. Your soft touches and giggles replayed in his head. Thoughts of when the two of you were alone and you’d curl up against him on the couch as you watched a movie, or fell asleep on his chest. You trusted him so much to protect you and love you like an older brother should and here he was, fantasizing about stretching your sweet little pussy on his cock, about making you cry out his name.

Fuck, or when your cute little voice rang out each morning, “Good morning big brother!”. He wanted to hear you scream for him, beg your big brother to fuck you harder. He wanted to ruin you and make you his. He panted as he picked up speed, fucking his hand. His hips jerked and he was so close.

A noise came from your room, a soft mewl. Tenya pressed his ear to the wall. He could hear movement and another soft sigh. Were you touching yourself too? Were you imagining his cock filling you up? He strained to hear and made out your cute little breaths and another low moan. His eyes rolled back and he groaned as his cum shot over his abs and chest. He listened to hear if you were awake and heard nothing more from your room. Sighing, he reached to his nightstand to clean himself.

-----

Days passed and you had been in an exceptionally good mood. At first, Tensei and Tenya both thought you were just in a good mood. But they started to notice you looking at your phone more, giggling and blushing at the screen. When they would ask, you would mumble “nothing” as you typed a response. You also spent more days out of the house than usual, saying you were spending time with friends or running errands. Finally one night, as the three of you sat at the table, you spoke up.

“I met a guy.”

Tenya’s fork clattered to his plate and Tensei gritted his teeth.

“His name is Kaito. He’s really sweet and really cute. He wants to take me out to dinner this week but I wanted him to meet you two first.” You smiled, looking up at your older brothers who were glaring daggers at their food.

Tenya spoke first.

“Where did you meet this man?”, he asked, his eyes burning a whole into the tablecloth.

“At the store as I was getting some groceries. He helped carry my bags to the car.” Your eyes flickered to both your brothers, confused at the tension in the air.

“So this man just picks up women at the grocery store?”, Tensei asked, his tone cold.

Your skin prickled.

“What? No, of course not. He saw I was struggling and offered to help me. Then we got to talking and…”

Tenya looked at you, his eyebrows furrowed.

“If you are having difficulty getting groceries, Tensei or I will join you so these men don’t prey on you. What if he had followed you home? Or attacked you in the car?”

You squeezed your eyes shut. How was this the conclusion they were reaching?

“Nothing happened! And clearly he is a nice man, as he wants to meet you and take me out.” Your voice wavered as 2 pairs of navy eyes stared you down.

“Is this who you’ve been texting?”, Tensei interrupted you.

You looked at him questioningly,

“Why does it matter who I’m–”

“ANSWER THE QUESTION.” Tenya’s hand slammed on the table.

Your lip trembled. Fighting back tears, you whispered. “Yes.”

Tensei looked exasperated. Closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, he reached out to you and you flinched.

“We are just worried about you. You’re our sweet little sister and we want to make sure no one hurts you ever.”

Tenya reached out to your other arm.

“I apologize, dear sister. I just want you to be safe and unharmed.”

You stared blankly at the table, before turning from both of them and walking to your room, slamming the door.

------

As your phone buzzed on the couch that night, it wasn’t too difficult for your older brothers to figure out your password. And it was even easier to find this Kaito guy online and threaten him until he agreed to cut contact with you.

After all, your big brothers would always protect you.

-----

The next day, as you read and re-read the messages from Kaito, your heart broke. You curled up against your older brothers on the couch.

“You were right.” You sobbed into Tensei’s shoulder, Tenya’s chest pressed against your back. “I should have never argued with you two.”

The boys held you close between them.

“Shh, it’s okay. We’ll take care of you. Your big brothers are here for you.” Tenya pressed his lips to your hair as Tensei pulled you into his chest. You could hear his heartbeat through his thin shirt. You felt Tenya rub soft soothing circles on your back and you sniffled, turning so you could face both of them.

“I’m..*hic* sorry for being *hic* so emotional.” You choked out, rubbing your eyes. You blinked and both boys looked at you. They both had such adoration in their eyes and looked at you like you hung the moon. You knew they would always be there for you.

You kissed Tensei on the cheek and turned, kissing Tenya on the cheek. Both boys blushed furiously and your breath caught in your throat as they each pressed a kiss to your cheeks, slightly closer to your lips.

Maybe it was the overwhelming emotions that filled you right now, or maybe it was always there, lying dormant inside of you. But you felt a tingle in your core and pressed another soft kiss to Tenya’s face, this time ghosting the edge of his lips before placing an identical one to Tensei.

Your body stilled as you waited to see what they would do. Tensei looked in your eyes before pressing his lips to yours. Your hand clutched at his shirt as he licked your lip. You opened your mouth to him and he hungrily tasted you. You broke apart, and Tenya took this opportunity to pull you towards him.

He slammed his lips to yours as Tensei kissed down your neck and collarbone. Where Tensei was confident in his kisses, Tenya was desperate. You moaned into Tenya’s mouth as Tensei bit a particularly sensitive spot on your neck. Your bodies were so close and you could feel Tenya’s erection through his pants, pressing against your thigh.

You pulled back.

“We shouldn’t...I’m so sorry, this is…” You stammered,

Tensei kissed your temple and Tenya pressed his hand to your cheek.

“Let us take care of you, little sister. Let your big brothers make it all better.”

Flustered you gave in to your body and continued reaching down, palming Tenya through his slacks. You felt his body shiver as you ran your fingers up and down the shaft. Pulling away from both of them you pulled off your sweater, revealing your body to them. Their cocks ached so much for you, and seeing you like this, in a way they had only imagined, turned them feral.

Tensei tugged at your legs, pushing you onto your back. You looked up at your big brothers and your eyes widened.

“You’re so beautiful.” Tensei whispered, his fingers tracing your belly. Tenya nodded, his eyes trained on your breasts in the lacy white bra you wore. He slid the strap down your shoulder and when you didn’t protest, unhooked the clasp in the front. Your breasts spilled out and he ran his fingers over your hardening nipples.

Tensei tugged down your legging and panties and you were naked before them, looking like a sweet lamb between two hungry wolves. He pressed a kiss to your lower belly, and you whimpered. His cerulean eyes met yours and you gave a soft nod for him to keep going. His lips met your folds and he lapped at your slit hungrily. Your hips bucked involuntarily and you could feel his grin against you.

“Easy now sweetheart, your big brother is going to take care of you.” His hands pressed your hips down firmly as he continued to devour your cunt.

Your eyes rolled back and you met Tenya’s eager eyes. His erection was pressing painfully through his pants and you tugged at the fabric, silently begging for him. He threw off his slacks and you could see the wet mark on the front of his boxers. Running your fingers over it, you opened your mouth and looked at him expectantly.

That was all it took. Tenya slid his boxers off, pressing the head of his dick against your soft lips. You gave kitten licks, staring into his eyes as best you could as you were still being tantalized by Tensei’s tongue. Tenya let out a grunt as you continued to tease his cock, slowly taking it deeper into your mouth. Tensei plunged his tongue deep inside you and you let out a loud moan around Tenya.

“F-fuck...so good, princess.” Tenya choked out, pulling you closer onto his cock. You felt yourself getting closer to climax as Tensei flicked his tongue over your clit. You gasped around Tenya’s thick member and he used this opportunity to push himself deeper down your throat. Stars danced in your eyes and your thighs strained under Tensei’s grip.

“That’s it baby girl, cum all over your big brother’s face.”

His lewd words, the taboo nature of it all, and the helplessness you felt as you choked on Tenya’s cock and were being held down by Tensei...you cried out as you gushed all over Tensei’s face.

“Mmm….that’s it sweetheart.” Tensei murmured as he guzzled down your arousal. Your eyes fluttered and you whimpered as you Tenya lazily fucked your face.

Tensei looked at Tenya and wordlessly, the brothers switched places and you were flipped onto your knees. Tenya’s thick cock was pressed against your entrance and you gulped at how big it felt. He ran his hands over your hips.

“Shh...be a sweet little sister for your brothers.”

Tensei’s cock was in front of your mouth and he tapped it on your mouth. You parted your lips and both brothers slid inside you. You gasped at the stretch and tried to turn your head towards Tenya, but Tensei gripped your face, and you swirled your tongue around his cock.

“So tight...god...such a perfect little girl.” Tenya groaned, his fingertips digging into your skin. Tensei tugged your hair as he plunged deeper into your mouth. You bounced between the brother’s cocks as they worshipped your body, praising you for being their good girl.

“So beautiful, Y/N. You’re so good to us.” Tensei whispered.

You could feel Tenya’s thrusts getting sloppier as he pounded into you faster and faster. He pulled your arms behind your back, so you were at their mercy. Tensei’s cock was slamming the back of your throat, and Tenya was fucking you so deep you felt like you were going to pass out. Your limbs felt like jelly and the only thing holding you upright was the sheer force of them fucking you from each end.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck...gonna cum.” Tenya breathed out, his grip on you was almost painful and your arms were sore from how hard he tugged on them. Tensei seemed to be reaching his peak too, as his breaths were becoming ragged. You swallowed around his cock and he let out a deep groan, spilling his seed down your throat. You clenched around Tenya and he swore as he shot ropes of hot cum deep inside you. The twitching of his cock set you off and your muscles clenched as you whimpered out. You felt like sparks were fluttering from your nerves and the boys held you as you came down from your high.

Your eyes closed and you could only faintly feel them cleaning you up and someone carrying you to your bed. Your hands reached out and you felt the bed shift as each man climbed into your pink bed on either side of you.

Content, you fell asleep between your big brothers.

#tensei iida smut #mha smut #bnha smut #tenya iida smut #tensei x reader x tenya #stepcest #iida smut #tw dc #tw yandere #tw stepcest

2K notes · View notes

shigarakisbabyy · 3 years

Text

Dabi x ftm reader headcanons! Nsfw at the end

Warnings: nsfw at the end, mentions of trauma, mentions of murder and arson, mentions of transphobia, mentions of surgery

He literally doesn’t know what you’re trying to tell him when you come out to him. He’s hardly even familiar with a single lgbt term. All he knows is he likes dudes and that’s it.

When he does understand it he’s chill though. It would take a bit if convincing, I think he might be transphobic at first but only because he doesn’t understand. With thorough explanation he’d apologize for his previous behavior

He’d be pretty intimated dating someone

He doesn’t know if he’s doin a single thing right

The man turned off any and all emotion for a very long time, give him a break

Due to his trauma, he finds it a bit hard to be vulnerable with you.

Instead of telling you that he loves you, he’ll probably do it with actions. But if you need words too he’d probably muster up some bravery for you

If you also had shit parents, he’d absolutely let you talk to him about it and he’d try and relate to you

He can’t promise they’ll still be alive tomorrow tho

If anyone makes a transphobic comment, they’re burnt. Flame. Dust. Ash. Immediately.

He probably lets you borrow his clothes if you don’t have any male clothes

He’d probably try and get you a doctor for hormones/surgery if you want it, but he’d find it being a tad difficult because of your guys’ villain status. You’ll have to help him lmfao

If anyone misgenders you on accident he’ll correct them, but if they do it on purpose its flame time baby

He absolutely loves working with you out on the battlefield

He’s a bit scared of losing you though, so you might wanna leave the more dangerous stuff for him to do for his own sanity

He’s not very big on pda. He has an image to uphold, y/n. It’s not because you’re trans or because you’re both men, he just doesn’t like people other than you seeing him so vulnerable

He is a big ass cuddle baby though

If you trace his scars or lovingly pet them he WILL cry

Whenever you’re feeling dysphoric, he probably won’t understand it at first

“But you’re already a guy, y/n. Why are you upset?”

You’d have to explain it to him

He’d probably cuddle you (if that’s what you want) and or listen to you ramble about it

He’d try his best to be there for you, even if he doesn’t understand it

Whenever he first sees ur binder he’s a bit confused on what it is

If you’ve had top surgery or bottom surgery, he’d trace your scars and kiss them

If you got insecure over ur scars, he’d reassure you that they’re beautiful and he loves them

He’d either watch you inject ur T or do it himself

“I don’t want you to mess it up and hurt urself”

That’s a fucking lie and you both know it, he just likes taking care of people

He likes to be babied too though

“Y-y/n? I’m gonna be little spoon tonight.”

Might be a bit aggressive with it

OKAY NSFW TIME

He’s def into more rougher sex.

He’d make sure ur comfortable and take ur time

If you get dysphoric, he’d stop immediately until you calmed down, and if you don’t want to do it anymore he’d probably go jerk off in the shower and then come cuddle you

He’d be a bit sad if you didn’t want to be fully naked but he’d get over it, ur cute moans make up for it

He’d complain and complain that y’all couldn’t fuck for a little bit if you get surgery. Whiney baby to the max

I feel like he’d be into honorifics a LOT. Specifically master/sir

He’d be into degrading you, but he’d never step into the territory or misgendering you/ being transphobic.

After care is absolutely phenomenal :)

#mha #bnha #dabi smut #dabi fluff #dabi x reader #dabi x you #dabi x y/n #dabi x ftm reader #dabi x ftm y/n #dabi x ftm

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tarosin · 3 years

Text

the great adventures of y/n tommy tubbo wilbur and phil - i’ve got a (paintball) gun

this is part 12 to the great adventures series

an: ranboo was possibly in the Uk at this point however I don’t know when this vlog was actually recorded so I’ve decided that he’s still in the us at this moment in time i also didn’t proof read

tubbo stood near you occasionally shooting you with a nerf gun whilst you were filming a cooking video making it rather hard to focus

“you alright there Tubb-ow that fucking hurt”

“let me be in the video”

you rolled your eyes before moving to the side so tubbo could be in frame, earlier on you both went to a butterfly house and since the pair of you would have to get a train tomorrow to go record a vlog with Tommy it made more sense for him to stay at yours for the night. it took a lot longer than expected to film the cooking video as tubbo absolutely destroyed the plan you had for the video after he found out what you were making

“Surely not. you have pizza in the fridge let’s cook that instead”

“tubbo no fans voted on what is make and they chose something from the great depression cookbook it’s not my fault…heh how do you know about the pizza I got it yesterday”

“I made myself feel at home”

eventually, the pair of you finished the recipe unsurprising food from the great depression didn’t taste great so you put it in the bin whilst tubbo put the pizza in the oven. the rest of the night was surprisingly chill compared to earlier on when filming (probably because after you both had eaten you were exhausted and had a long day ahead of you) the pair of you created a song together which would never see the light of day as it was a mess but nonetheless it was a memory you would never forget, you asked your parents to take some pictures of you both so you could add them to your scrapbook you ended the night by teaching tubbo how to create a scrapbook.

at 8 am your alarm went off at 8:30 you made it to the train station a few hours later you finally arrived at your destination

“what are we doing today tubs”

“I have no idea but tommys over there with Phil and will”

tubbo dragged you over to the three of them where you were met with Tommy holding a paintball gun whilst yelling that he has a gun and that it’s ‘gun time’ tubbo went to go get the pair of you a paintball gun with the others whilst you offered to help Tommy continue the introduction

“y/n you’re going to be with tubbo and Phil sorry you can’t be on the winners team with me and will”

“oh no how will I ever survive, you seem rather confident that you’re going to win so let’s make I deal if I win I get to pick the next vlog if you win you can pick the next vlog for my channel”

“have fun facing your fears in your next vlog y/n as I’m going to win”

“sure thing tom however I never lose so have fun at the trampoline park”

tubbo ran up to you as you finished your sentence and handed you the gun that’s when you split off into two teams and made your way to start the game

“you both ready”

“I'm going to be shot several times the answer is no”

“I’ll protect you y/n”

you laughed shaking your head as much as you adored tubbo there’s no way he’d be the one protecting you in paintball you stood picking up rocks putting them in your pocket not realising the game had started until tubbo hit you with a paintball

“OI DICKHEAD THE GAMES STARTED”

“WERE ON THE SAME TEAM HAVE YOU CONSIDERED SHOUTING THAT THE GAME STARTED”

you ran straight to the bunker leaving tubbo and Phil behind simply because you had already been shot and it hurt like hell, you managed to hit Tommy a few times and occasionally was able to hit will. it didn’t take long for tubbo to catch up to you

“oh hello tubso”

“hi y/n. OW WHY DID YOU SHOOT ME”

“giving you a taste of your own medicine”

“I'm telling Phil”

tubbo found one of the grenades on the floor throwing it towards the hiding spot Tommy and will were in dragging you through the now colourful smoke which resulted in Tommy shooting you both with paintballs several times as will encouraged him to shoot wildly into the smoke

“phillllll tubbo used me as a human shield my body hurts where are they I’m getting revenge”

“tubbo…maybe don’t use y/n as a shield “

you stood with tubbo as Phil shot a paintball towards Tommy you assumed he hit him as you heard Tommy shout in pain and tubbo laughing next to you, you noticed as you continued walking to hide, tubbo was picking up the grenades putting them in his pocket

“I have rocks in my pocket tubs if I ever run out of paintballs I’m just going to throw the rocks it’ll probably hurt less too”

“y/n don’t encourage tubbo to throw rocks at people”

“quick over there we can team up against Tommy”

and that’s exactly what you and Phil did god knows where tubbo went however it did allow you to secure a win.

not long later the second round began however this time it was just you and Phil

“where the fuck is tubbo”

“I can’t believe they took tubbo he’s the best of us and they knew it”

“they took my tubbo I’m getting revenge also rude I’m pretty damn good with a gun”

you both ran to the next hiding spot creating a plan to get your best friend back and hopefully win the game, you ended up hearing tubbo shouting in the distance, you and Phil agreed you'd run first probably getting their attention and Phil would follow about a minute later

“hang tight tubso I’m coming for you”

the plan worked you successfully made your way to where tubbo was guaranteed you got hit with paintballs a lot but you also managed to get some good hits back as did Phil. as soon as Phil made the grenade go off you quickly climbed up the steps and made your way to tubbo whilst hitting the others with paintballs whilst Phil made his way up after you

“I ran out of paintballs tubbo can I borrow your gun”

“we surrender we surrender”

“Phil…y/n you saved me”

“I am in pain”

it was now time for the third round

“I've played capture the wool in hypixel don’t worry guys I’ve got this”

“y/n you lost every game”

“tubbo didn’t you get captured for the entirety of the last game…hmm”

“will you two stop and just run to the tower”

tubbo ran straight to the tower but you decided to ‘accidentally shoot tubbo’

“Y/N”

“SORRY I WAS UM JUST TESTING IF MY PAINTBALL GUN WORKED YOU JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN THE WAY”

once in the tower you and tubbo aimlessly shot at the others while Phil left to go capture Tommy and wills flag

“so tubbo how’s your day”

“not too great bossman I got captured, shot, betrayed by my so-called best friend”

“betrayed…you’re so dramatic”

“I'm leaving”

“I’m not defending the flag then”

you laughed as tubbo left the tower standing next to Phil coming up with a new plan

“tell me you didn’t leave y/n to defend the flag”

“I CAN STILL HEAR YOU BOTH”

tubbo and Phil ran to attempt to capture their flag whilst you stood defending the flag, you put up a decent fight getting strong hits on Tommy however he was able to capture the flag before Phil or tubbo could capture their flag, you continued to hit Tommy several times as he ran back to his team’s tower, however, in the end, he was able to make it back scoring a win for his team

“don’t even think about blaming me you two”

it was now time for the final, you had one aim and one aim only…defend the briefcase

“oh these little shits”

you and tubbo looked at each other before nervously laughing you all had been shot enough and honestly you were all in pain you just wanted to win and get this over with.

“We have 10 minutes guys we’re fine”

“y/n I admire your optimism”

“I could be brutally honest and tell you both that we’re probably going to lose if we don’t come up with a plan”

and with that the three of you started creating a plan which wouldn’t be used as you were going to end up staying close to tubbo, you all started pretty strong you and tubbo stayed together the entire game giving the pair of you extra strength compared to the others as you worked together. you and tubbo left Phil to do his own thing mainly because you had forgotten the plan you created earlier.

“y/n here’s the new plan wherever I go you go and we have to defend each other”

“hey tubbo look I found a shield…you stay behind me and tell me where to go as I can cover us both”

you ended up losing that round but it doesn’t matter you had faith you would win the next round

“so all we have to do is defend the briefcase”

“y/n stay with me”

you and tubbo proved to be a great threat as tubbo would point to where either will or Tommy was and the pair of you would shoot at them whilst Phil would aim for the other person

“good shot Phil”

“thanks y/n”

you were all doing a pretty good job of defending the briefcase you would often whisper to tubbo that you were convinced they were about to surrender

“surely not”

“tubbo look at them they’re in pain they’re going to surrender I bet £10 and being the first to hug ranboo at the airport that they’ll surrender deal?”

“deal”

you all aimed at will scoring many hits practically encouraging them to surrender, Tommy eventually got wills gun and started aiming at you all mostly hitting you and Phil making tubbo laugh

“I hate you right now tubbo”

“sure thing bossman”

you noticed Tommy was in serious pain and started feeling bad for him however you pushed that feeling aside as you really wanted to win every bet you had made earlier so you continued to aim for your best friends

“YOU WIN”

you looked at Phil who was clearly proud of his team before looking at tubbo before tackling him into a hug

“we fucking won I told you they’d surrender you now owe me £10”

“I'll give it to you when we go to pick up ranboo”

after putting everything away you made your way to Tommy to check that he was okay

“you okay Tommy? you did great, that was a pretty smart tactic during capture the flag”

Tommy pulled you into a side hug as he thanked you before congratulating you on your win

“you and tubbo best make your way to the train station before you miss the train, call me when you're at tubbos”

“will do see you soon!!”

“see you after you’ve finished isolating”

“…heh”

tubbo walked over to you both laughing as he noticed everyone but you knew what was happening from tomorrow

“your parents dropped off a bag of clothes etc at mine so we can just get the train straight to my house we should probably sleep earlier as we have to get up ridiculously early tomorrow to pick ranboo up from the airport”

time flew by rather quickly as before you knew it you were sat on a bench with tubbo waiting to meet ranboo

“tubbo ranboo just sent me a text he's here”

taglist:

@fuzzycloudsz @wtfwriter @bearytime @milkydisaster @dumb-chaotic-bi-energy @uselesssapphickitten @l0ver0fj0y @etheriaaly @xx-smiley-xx @hawarun @kylobensgirl @cawcaw-pretty-thing @reverse-iak @renleicrashed @augustine-is-joy @c1loudee

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inkandpen22 · 3 years

Text

The Princess and The Pogue (pt. 3)

Pairing: JJ x Female!Reader / Topper x Female!Reader

Warnings: underage drinking, mild swearing, mentions of drugs

Words count: 2k (it’s short but the next part is long)

Part Summary: As the night dwindles away, JJ feels pressured to secure a place in your life. His chances grow times ten when Sarah arrives with some interesting news.

Masterlist

You and JJ share a log around the fire. His arm rests over your thigh, his hand gripping your knee slightly. Your chin rests on his shoulder as you two exchange whisper back and forth, making the Pogues sick with how lovey-dovey you two already are becoming.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” JJ asks, kinda hoping he could ask you for real date but he’ll understand if you already have plans.

“Hanging out with you,” you cheekily answer, earning a blushing grin from him.

“Oh! cool, cool...” He presses his lips together with a faint laugh, finding it hard to hide his childish grin.

You giggle at his bashfulness. He’s so shy around you and you can’t help but find it adorable.

"Here comes Sarah!" Kiara announces as he spots their friend's car rolling up the drive.

You and JJ finally break your hype-focused attention away from each other. Almost to make up for the lack of verbal communication, JJ shifts closer to you and plants a quick peck to your temple.

"Hey! Sorry for the delay!" Sarah announces as she walks over from her car. John B rises from his position, trying to intercept Sarah before she sees you and JJ. Once she reaches John B, she notices how you and JJ are sitting. Her brows scrunch together, but she does her best to mask her confusion. "My parents were having a hissy fit about me borrowing the car. I told them and Y/N's parents that we were staying the night at Kiara's since she doesn't feel well. I hope that's okay, Kie," she asks as she gets closer to the bonfire.

"Yeah, no problem!" Kiara waves her hand, not caring at all.

"Wait, so what's the game plan?" You ask Sarah, but also everyone else for their input. You're thankful for the group's help, but weren't exactly prepared for an overnight stay. You understand why Sarah did this nonetheless.

"You all can stay here tonight," John B shrugs as the Pogues do it all the time.

"Your parents believed it," Sarah assures you. "I would just text your parents to help it seem more legit."

"Okay! I'll text my mom," you comply with enthusiasm.

Hey, I told Sarah to tell you but in case she didn't, we're staying over at Kiara's tonight. I had to drive her home in her dad's car because we think she got food poisoning or something. I'll text you when I'm heading out in the morning. Sarah can drive me home or something :)

"Finally! It'll be nice not being the only girl! I was kinda hoping you and Sarah would stay over anyway," Kiara adds, offering you a kind smile.

"That makes two of us," JJ whispers for only you to hear.

"My folks were pretty pissed about me ditching on the party, so I feel no urge on going home," Sarah huffs, right as John B asks for her to help him inside real quick.

You and JJ watch as John B escorts Sarah inside by the arm. They try to be nonchalant, but it's so obvious they're freaking out. Sarah's whispers aren't exactly quiet and John B's doing his best to fill her in on what he knows.

JJ turns his face toward yours with a smirk, suppressing his laughter. "They're definitely talking about us."

"Oh for sure!" You nod slowly with a snicker.

You two share in your amusement as your friends slowly lose their minds. A Pogue from The Cut was caught kissing the Princess of the OBX. If your friends from the other side of the island found out they would have an even more dramatic reaction.

Your phone buzzes in your lap and it's from your mom.

Ok. Text me when you wake up.

"All set!" You voice to everyone remaining around the fire. "I doubt they'll even care since "I'm still on the Figure 8,” you make air quotes.

"Yay!" Kiara claps her hands.

"I say we watch a scary movie tonight!" JJ suggests beside you.

"The Conjuring!" You vote swiftly, earning a laugh from JJ.

"No!" Pope instantly refuses. "Nope! Last time we watched that you guys made me sleep on the porch and I heard creeks all night!"

"Aw, I'll stay with you tonight Pope," Kiara offers, reaching for her friend's hand with a pout. "I'll keep you safe from all the ghosties."

JJ leans in brushes his lips against your ear. "You gonna keep me safe?"

You smile softly, turning your head toward him as you nod slowly. "I'll have your back if you have mine."

His beautiful eyes meet yours in the gold flickering light of the fire. "Always, Baby." He plants a kiss to your lips, this time slow and comforting, as though you two have been doing it forever.

___________________________________________________________

All six of you are gathered in the living room, watching The Conjuring. John B and JJ insisted that all lights in the house must be off, much to Pope's dismay. Kiara and Pope are positioned on the carpet, their backs against the couch. Pope has been hiding in a ball with his face behind the blanket he shares with Kiara. Sarah and John B are sprawled comfortably on the couch, well invested in the movie. You and JJ share the old red recliner, tucked close in a ball under a comforter. Right before the movie starts to get interesting, you shift forward in your position. JJ whines, disappointed in the loss of contact. His pouty face makes you giggle and he playfully tries to keep you close by holding onto your wrist.

"I need another drink, anyone else?" You offer quietly, making sure not to step on Kiara or Pope on the floor on the way to the kitchen. You receive various forms of declines as you do your best to navigate your way through the dark and unfamiliar house.

Finally finding yourself in the kitchen, you make yourself a glass of water. The moonlight shining through the window over the sink acts as your saving grace. Suddenly, you feel a pair of arms slip around your waist, causing you to jump.

"Hey, Gorgeous," the blonde whispers against your neck.

"JJ!" You gasp your heart racing.

"Did I scare you?" He chuckles quietly to not alert the others.

You spin in his hold and nudge him on the shoulder playfully. "You did that on purpose!"

"Not really but-" In one swift motion, JJ picks up and places you on the counter. He parts your legs to stand between them. His palms glide up and down your thighs. "That I did mean to do," he smirks, biting down on his lip.

"JJ! Y/N! You're going to miss the wardrobe part!" Pope shouts, his voice shaky with fear.

"I wish I had spoken to you sooner," JJ confesses abruptly, completely his friend in the next room. All he cares about right now is you.

"Dido," you smirk, placing your arms over JJ's shoulders.

"Really?" He voices in disbelief. Despite how much you've reassured him or have reciprocated his affections, he still isn't convinced that you truly like him.

"That first time I saw you at the Cameron's?" You recall with raised brows. "Um, yeah! You looked hot in that pale green Ron Jon shirt."

"I can't believe you remember that," he shakes his head, leaning in closer to you. I thought there was no way you'd know who I am."

"JJ," you say his name in a mild groan with a toss of your head. How can this boy not see how amazing he is? "You're definitely worth remembering."

"It was at the Boneyard," he states a matter-of-factly.

"What was?" You grin.

"The first time I ever saw you," he tilts his head back slightly, relieving his sharp jawline. "You were dancing with Topper on the wall. The fire made your skin glow and shimmer like bronze. You wore a navy blue bikini with ripped white booty shorts. Your hair was half up and all I could think about was how much I wanted to run my fingers through it. You were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen," he tells you, never once breaking eye contact.

"That was last summer!" You can't believe he remembers that.

"I know," he replies as though it's completely ordinary.

Your jaw drops, "you're saying you've been waiting to talk to me for a year?!"

"Okay well, when you put it that way," he tries to play it off and be cool now.

"Aw JJ!" You express a little too excitedly, bringing your hands to his cheeks.

JJ is quick to press his hand over your mouth. "Shh, Baby. Before you alert everyone in the living room!" Mischievously, you plant a kiss on his palm, catching him off guard. JJ swallows hard, peering down at you with hooded eyes. "Okay, now you're just teasing me."

You place your hand over his and remove it from your mouth. "You make it too easy," you giggle in a whisper.

JJ simply stares down at your lips as he bites down on his own. Before you have a chance to react, he hungrily presses his lips to yours. Ever kiss up until now has been gentle, new, and hesitant. Now, JJ is forgetting his nerves and is acting on impulse. He breaks away from you and moves his assault to your neck. You comb your fingers through his thick blonde hair, gripping the strands on the back of his neck.

"JJ," you pant breathlessly as your eyes fall shut. "What are you doing?"

"Making up for lost time," he breathes against your neck. I'm really kicking myself right now."

"It's my fault too," you try to speak as JJ makes a track down your neck to your collarbone. "I could've at least said 'hi' instead of smiling like an idiot."

"At least you were nice," JJ mumbles against your chest. "I was a statue. Plus, I always thought you and Rafe may be-"

"Ew! Don't even finish that sentence," you scoff in disgusts.

"You were always at the Cameron's. He's always on top of you and watches you like a hawk," JJ explains as he pops up for air.

"He's had a thing for me for a while now. I've turned him down," you inform him.

JJ frowns in confusion. "Why?"

You figured it would've been obvious, especially considering how much JJ hates Rafe. "He's an arrogant ass. He thinks he's invincible and I hate people like that."

"Well, you can tell him you're taken now," JJ grins, leaning in to kiss you.

"Oh, I am?" You question playfully against his lips.

"Yep," the boy nods as he begins to glide his lips across your jawline. "You're mine... and only mine..." He whispers, making you bite your lip with anticipation. Boy, this kid knows how to get you turned on. "I'll make sure everyone in the OBX knows it too," he declares as he starts to suck on the sensitive skin on your neck. At the rate JJ is going, he's certain to leave a mark or two, just as he wanted.

"You guys!" Kiara calls this time.

JJ huffs with annoyance as he appears out from your neck. "Coming!" He shouts, completely unfazed by what he was just doing. "Got you're so sexy," he plants a quick peck to your lips. "I hope you know I'm going to be dying through this entire movie."

Ever the gentleman, he grips your waist and helps you down from the counter. He slips his hand into yours and grabs your water with the other before leading the way back into the living room.

"She couldn't find the sodas in the fridge. I had to grab a new box from the back," he conjures up as you two cross the living room toward the recliner.

"Sureee," John B and Sarah say in unison with amusement.

"Sorry guys, what did we miss?" You ask while you and JJ get settled.

After you take a quick sip from your water, you place it on the side table between the recliner and the couch before getting comfortable again with JJ.

"Nice water, Y/N." Sarah giggles as she peaks over from the couch at your hand, earning an eye roll from JJ.

"The crazy demon lady jumped on the daughter. I hate this!" Pope rushes out to answer your question.

"Oh my God! You're fine, Pope!" Kiara groans, not hiding her annoyance.

"I wish it wasn't so dark in here!" Pope shouts dramatically.

"I kinda like it," JJ purrs in your ear.

You turn your head to the side and he plants a kiss on your lips. As the others watch the movie, you and JJ spend most of the time whispering back and forth or too caught up in each other physically to talk at all. Of course, you two are respectful of your friends and keep it PG. Yet, you can't get enough of each other. It's all so soon, energetic, and freeing. As the thought of tomorrow morning lingers in the back of your mind, you’re starting to dread the idea of parting from JJ.

__________________________________________________

Masterlist

Tags: @starkeythinker @bethii1 @thegunnerkelly @cc13723things

#jj maybank fic #jj mayback x reader #jj maybank imagines #jj maybank fluff #jj #john b routledge #sarah cameron #rafe obx #pope #kiara #topper obx #obx jj #obx #obx fanfiction #outterbanks #outer banks #topper outer banks

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edenmemes · 4 years

Text

horizon zero dawn starters

❝ you can sense it. you already know you’re going to lose. ❞ ❝ did you want to be alone? ❞ ❝ you wouldn’t be so eager to speak with me if you knew me. ❞ ❝ that will draw attention. we won’t have this place to ourselves for long now. ❞ ❝ it’s a world worth fighting for. not just here. everywhere. ❞ ❝ trying to live up to glorious pasts has a way of getting people killed. ❞ ❝ never celebrate a victory before it’s earned. ❞ ❝ i crave vengeance. do you? ❞ ❝ my comrades weren’t so lucky. i might shed a tear, if they weren’t all cutthroats and cheaters. ❞ ❝ i’ll always have a minute for you. maybe even two. ❞ ❝ you walk on the edge of life and death. i can tell. ❞ ❝ what is a gift but an award you did not earn? ❞ ❝ so many voices to listen to, it must make your head hurt. i promise my voice will be soft and soothing. ❞ ❝ i wish i could borrow some of your courage now. ❞ ❝ i’ve always wondered. are all your kind hunters and fighters, or just a few? ❞ ❝ no one doubts your determination. but you need to rest. ❞ ❝ a bold claim. i wonder if you’ll live up to it. ❞ ❝ why would someone name a knife? ❞ ❝ so you’re alive ! we should celebrate! drinks on me! ❞ ❝ try not to forget me, while you’re out there saving the world. ❞ ❝ when we spoke earlier, you winced, then looked like you were in pain - or frightened. ❞ ❝ i’m really not one for crowds. ❞ ❝ so - how are we gonna do that? oh, wait, i forgot. we won’t. i do all the dangerous stuff. ❞ ❝ i knew there was something about you. hammered from the stuff they make leaders out of. ❞ ❝ no matter what happens, i will not intervene. do you understand? you are on your own. ❞ ❝ it’s always a pain in the neck when you show up, girl, one way or another. ❞ ❝ you’re bleeding, let me have a look. here, hold still. ❞ ❝ just don’t think this means i enjoy it. ❞ ❝ i don’t want to jinx it, but we might be in the clear. ❞ ❝ when i start a fuss, i like to finish it. ❞ ❝ i promise to look solemn at your funeral before i hit the bar. ❞ ❝ what could go wrong? turns out, a lot. ❞ ❝ let me come with you! i won’t be a bother. i know how to stay out of sight. ❞ ❝ now i’m supposed to fill ____’s shoes. and instead, here i am, stumbling around in them. ❞ ❝ we need to talk - alone. and you need to pull it together. ❞ ❝ i guess growing up means putting what you should do in front of what you want to do, right? ❞ ❝ oh, are you going to shut your mouth now? because that would be a surprise. ❞ ❝ i will come to you in secret. no one will see me, so i won’t get in trouble. ❞ ❝ it looks like something chewed you up and spat you out. ❞ ❝ these are the true wilds, with threats unlike any you have ever faced. ❞ ❝ that moment the door opened and you were standing there, and the way you smiled... i had to look away or you were going to see. on my face. what had just... blossomed inside me, you know? ❞ ❝ i’m not afraid of you - i’m not afraid of anything. ❞ ❝ stop being evasive? you might as well tell me to stop being charming. it’s impossible. ❞ ❝ what a waste. at least he died better than he lived. ❞ ❝ i’ve been looking up at the stars a lot, and the only story i see written across them is that we are small and insignificant and will soon disappear with hardly a trace left behind. it’s a hard story, and i don’t like it much.. ❞ ❝ if i’m going to stand for something, it’ll have to be something i believe in. ❞ ❝ the strength to stand alone, is the strength to make a stand. ❞ ❝ soon it’ll all seem familiar. like home. ❞ ❝ now i see that i was just lucky to get a minute of your time. ❞ ❝ i know my duty to them - and to you. i’m here. and wherever you go...i will follow. ❞ ❝ you're really good at making it impossible to like you. ❞ ❝ i’ve missed our little talks. ❞ ❝ will change happen at all, while men live in palaces? ❞ ❝ confidence is quiet. you’re not. ❞ ❝ you’re not a very convincing liar. ❞ ❝ i already have all the friends i need. i don’t need the bother. ❞ ❝ all right, cool your fire. i got nothing to hide. ❞ ❝ i see you don’t recognize me. well, it was a long time ago. ❞ ❝ you will turn back - or bleed. your choice. ❞ ❝ when we met, i thought i was a big shot talking to a pretty girl hidden away in the middle of nowhere. ❞ ❝ you would speak ill of the dead? truly you have no shame. ❞ ❝ truth is, i get lonely once in awhile. there. i admitted it. don’t think less of me. ❞ ❝ do you have any idea how dangerous it is out there? ❞ ❝ but i don’t know anyone here. ❞ ❝ come on, stop. you’re going to make me tear up. ❞ ❝ i feel like i should drop to my knees and worship you. ❞ ❝ think i’m done? think again. i’ve gotten out of worse scrapes. ❞ ❝ it’s hard to imagine where we’d be without you - and i don’t want to try. ❞ ❝ if we’re to fight together on the brink of life and death, i’d prefer to do so with your forgiveness. ❞ ❝ trust is for fools. it shifts and crumbles like sand. ❞ ❝ what will you do while i risk my life? ❞ ❝ you can smile, can’t you? ...no, that’s a grimace. ❞ ❝ you killed that demon...pulled its guts from the carcass! ❞ ❝ the sooner you’re gone from here, the better. ❞ ❝ for now, all you need to know is that i’m a whisper of reason in this howling pit of insanity. ❞ ❝ i heard the rumors, but i didn’t know for sure until saw you just now. i’m glad to see you’re okay. ❞ ❝ no barrier can now stay you from your sacred task. ❞ ❝ i won’t deny i risked your life. but it was the only way. ❞ ❝ they can’t shoot if they’re dead. keep them busy, i’ll find an angle. ❞ ❝ comforts are weakness. ❞ ❝ as for honor, sacrifice-- true sacrifice, the kind rulers know nothing of -- it’s all a fat joke. ❞ ❝ i’ve been sharpening my blade, anticipating the scent of the fight. ❞ ❝ you’re not just a traveler. that armor was fitted for you. and the way you hold your bow... ❞ ❝ i’d expect to see some tomatoes fly, maybe rocks. hopefully not spears. in any case, be ready to duck. ❞ ❝ i’m not here for the price on your head. ❞ ❝ for a moment, i was a child again, rapt from stories told by hunters at the campfire. ❞ ❝ this...attachment to me will only hold you back. ❞ ❝ whatever you do, don’t let their shabby looks fool you! they’ll kill you as soon as look at you. ❞ ❝ i’m doing what i love. and what could be wrong with that? ❞ ❝ when the arrowhead passes between armor and skin - that’s the place i belong. ❞ ❝ right. why would i expect an answer? it’s so much more exciting to keep it all a mystery... ❞ ❝ oh, it’s a story all right, but it takes a while to tell. maybe another time, over a drink or three? ❞ ❝ why are you talking like we’ll never see each other again? ❞ ❝ i’ll wager you don’t scare easy - it’s a good quality. ❞ ❝ there will be people celebrating, and feasting. more than you've ever see in one place. ❞ ❝ i didn’t bring you here to answer questions. i brought you here to deal with that. ❞ ❝ ...you’ve...put a lot of thought into this. ❞ ❝ i do not want to hear this talk from you again. doubt is heavier than a week’s snow. ❞ ❝ bandits are drawn to here like infection to a wound. ❞ ❝ i guess you’re doing the right thing for the wrong reason. ❞ ❝ i thought you and i were agreed: only enjoy the killing as much as the challenge. ❞ ❝ rumors spread like blood. ❞ ❝ they would steal from us, chase us through the night, laughing. ❞ ❝ leave it too long, your fingers itch for the bowstring. ❞ ❝ you’re strong, shrewd, capable... i could use someone like you on my side. ❞ ❝ you defeated it? alone? ❞ ❝ grasp your grief. and kill it. ❞ ❝ at least i’ll have a fire to keep me company. ❞ ❝ only survivors scar. after everything you’ve been through, you keep going. ❞ ❝ just stop being evasive and tell me who you really are. ❞ ❝ i don’t mind putting my worthless ass on the line. but not yours. ❞ ❝ i’m not here to intrigue you. ❞ ❝ how about you? who do you think i am? what will you remember of me? ❞ ❝ everything freezing. the ground, the air... me. ❞ ❝ you lost someone you care about. that leaves a wound. the sort of wound a lot of people don’t recover from. ❞ ❝ the only thing i know i’m still fighting for is...you. ❞ ❝ i didn’t earn this mercy, but i will die to make myself worthy of it. ❞ ❝ to say you have my gratitude feels woefully insufficient. you saved my life. ❞ ❝ makes you wish you could kill them more than once, doesn’t it? ❞ ❝ why did you act so strange when we spoke earlier? ❞ ❝ being smart won’t count for nothing if you don’t make the world a better place. ❞ ❝ to serve a purpose greater than yourself...that is the lesson you must learn. ❞ ❝ if a big, meaningful talk is what you’re after, move along. ❞ ❝ that carcass! what sort of beast was that? ❞ ❝ what are you doing out here all alone? where are your men? ❞ ❝ you’ve obviously heard of me. you know what i’m capable of. why do you think this will turn out well for you? ❞ ❝ there’s so much to discover before the world ends. ❞ ❝ i couldn’t wait to see you again. it’s like...i’m dead and only come alive when i’m here with you. ❞ ❝ some even say you have a conscience. how extraordinary! ❞ ❝ do you always accuse people you’ve just met of lying? ❞ ❝ if you ever visit, look me up. i’ll show you around, make introductions. it’d be a whole new life, if you want it. ❞ ❝ it had a name once, not that it matters now. i was born there. ❞ ❝ i always knew you were different... i think you’re a blessing. ❞ ❝ no one hears your prayers anyway. ❞ ❝ this place is difficult even for the prepared. ❞ ❝ i underestimated you. i won’t make that same mistake again. ❞ ❝ oh. is that supposed to sound scary or something? ❞ ❝ look, maybe i shouldn’t say this, but it’s obvious that you don’t belong in this... backwater. ❞ ❝ were you kept hidden away? did you have overprotective parents or something? ❞ ❝ hmph. don’t go soft on me. ❞ ❝ i prefer the company of spirits. or my own. ❞ ❝ blood spilled calls for blood spilled! if the ground is cursed, then let our vengeance sanctify it. ❞ ❝ so many people here, all talking at once. how does anyone think? ❞ ❝ why is it that every time something bad happens to you, someone else tells you something bad that happened to them, as if that makes it any better? ❞ ❝ i’ve never seen armor like yours. ❞ ❝ the wrongness here jags at me like an arrowhead. ❞ ❝ when you found me, i was trying to eke out a glorious death. but now a glorious life seems more preferable. ❞ ❝ tomorrow, may the sun rise on the world. ❞ ❝ you saved my epitaph from being ‘a fine soldier but a fool of a man’. ❞ ❝ i don’t think i know you at all. but i’d like to. ❞ ❝ i don’t like this. it feels...wrong. ❞ ❝ oh, i’m grateful for this wound. it’s a lesson i won’t forget. ❞ ❝ you’re a clever one. but not so clever as to heed my warning, i see. ❞ ❝ not everyone follows the law like you do. ❞ ❝ how many times have i pulled you from danger by your neck? made excuses for your behavior? ❞ ❝ for what it’s worth, i’m glad you’re coming with me. ❞ ❝ what have i ever given you but struggle? ❞ ❝ it’s starting to feel real, you know? that we might actually get out of this place. ❞ ❝ i’ve never been part of anything. i serve my own interests. always. ❞ ❝ i apologize for my...behavior. i thought i was dead. ❞ ❝ look, i don’t even know your story. must be a good one. if you ever feel like telling it, look me up. ❞ ❝ when my anger has thawed, i will feel nothing. ❞ ❝ i can’t remember when i had this much fun! i should be thanking you! ❞ ❝ you gave him a quicker death than he deserved. ❞ ❝ that...could be the last creepy thing you’ve said to me. ❞ ❝ something’s really bothering you. if you think i’m gonna abandon you, you’re wrong. ❞ ❝ surprised you saw me, the way you keep looking every other direction to make sure no one’s watching. careful there, or you’ll sprain your neck. ❞ ❝ remember how the blood pounded in your ears? they’ll ring later, in the calm. it’s a call to arms, from your inner desires. ❞ ❝ ___’s dead. i was ready to go through anything to make that happen. and i did. ❞ ❝ is there a reason why you’re acting so cranky today? ❞ ❝ you hold your grief close, like a tailsman. ❞ ❝ i hope you can find peace. ❞ ❝ you don’t know who i am, do you? ❞ ❝ you know there’s always been dirt on my hands. now there’s blood too. ❞ ❝ i want to be strong like you. but... ❞ ❝ i hadn’t given up on hope, but i’ve forgotten the taste of it. ❞ ❝ just...don’t start singing again. ❞ ❝ you’re sparing me? after all i’ve done? ❞ ❝ i don’t intend to die today. ❞ ❝ it will take many good deeds to make up for the crimes you’ve committed. ❞ ❝ but why should you have justice, and not me? ❞ ❝ such a voice... a cold, awful jangle that scrapes your bones and hollows your guts. ❞ ❝ one more word, and i’ll throw you in jail myself. ❞ ❝ only in the struggle against death do we find, even for a moment, the spark of life. ❞ ❝ the war changed you. changed us both. we’re not kids anymore. ❞ ❝ i can’t sleep, i can’t breathe knowing you could be out there...hurting... ❞ ❝ now i’m left to wear my sins. for me, at least, they hang heavy. ❞ ❝ but what does a girl like you know of loss? ❞ ❝ it’s a good thing you’ve got brains. because your personality could use some work. ❞ ❝ i was going to ask you to leave with me...to go somewhere out in the sun where no shadow could reach us. ❞ ❝ they didn’t need to disgrace my name. i did it myself, serving a rotten throne. ❞ ❝ you don’t approve? well, i have a secret for you. neither do i. ❞ ❝ perhaps you are not an evil man. just a weak one. ❞ ❝ losses can feel... overwhelming. but they remind us of our connections to others. ❞ ❝ i don’t exactly see anyone beating down the door to spend time with you. ❞ ❝ if i had known, i would never have spoken to you. ❞ ❝ forge a new life. one of better make. ❞ ❝ impossible odds, fine company, killing without consequence --- how could i resist? ❞ ❝ look at me. i can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but you don’t have to go through it alone. ❞ ❝ i wish i had known, all this time, what you were going through. ❞ ❝ i’m with you. until the end. ❞ ❝ i thought you just wanted to have tea and conversation! is there a battle coming? i wasn’t informed! ❞ ❝ we’ve only met a few times, and yet you know me so well. ❞ ❝ are you going to drive me off, too? it’s okay. i’ve dealt with worse. ❞ ❝ now i know the kind of person i want to be, watching you. ❞ ❝ it’s so...bittersweet. like a smile through bloodied teeth. ❞ ❝ i swear i saw my ancestors... they said: ‘we’re not surprised to see you here’. ❞ ❝ more mercenaries? what kind of person sells their loyalty? ❞ ❝ keep moving or you’ll die! ❞ ❝ this is the kind of place you’d take someone if you want to lose them forever. ❞ ❝ if that’s destiny, i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. ❞ ❝ i’ve thought about what you said. every time, the wound you gave me caught on my ribs. ❞ ❝ i’ve never seen such disregard for personal safety. ❞ ❝ the most important thing is what you’re not like - your father. ❞ ❝ i’m never lonely where there’s killing to be done. ❞ ❝ my past - and my secrets - are my own. you’ll do well to remember that. ❞ ❝ only to you do i extend the courtesy of a warning. ❞ ❝ if the war’s not over, i’m not done. ❞ ❝ a long kiss, the best kind... i can still remember the feel of your hand on the back of my neck. ❞ ❝ it would be a worse fate to bow our heads to the challenge and say, ‘too much’. ❞ ❝ let’s not say farewell. i’ve had enough of that to last me a dozen winters. ❞ ❝ have your wounds even had time to heal? ❞ ❝ you can stop worrying. the secret’s safe with me. ❞ ❝ just to be clear, i have no plans to murder you, alright? ❞ ❝ you’re an idiot. a dangerous idiot, but an idiot. ❞ ❝ i’m kicking myself for not seeing your potential from the beginning. ❞ ❝ for your sake, you must go where you will never find me. this is goodbye. ❞ ❝ so that’s what this is? a tantrum? a cry for attention? ❞ ❝ change won’t come in a single sunrise. ❞ ❝ this place may not seem like much, but we’ll make the best of it. ❞ ❝ no murderers here, if that’s what you’re asking. ❞

#rp meme #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #i'm playing through this game again !!!! & this time im rlly taking it all in

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