#I feel so erased in these discussions and like my side of things don't matter

[miraculouslumination]

Honestly I kind of don't like the way some people talk about tone tags on social media - like it sometimes feels like people are two steps away from returning to the "x accommodation isn't useful for ME therefore it's Morally Bad and Cringe and I'm going to make fun of anyone and everyone who uses it" such as what happened with fidget spinners and other stuff like that

And all I can say is that tone tags are literally just that. An accommodation. Specifically, a personal one

Yes, there are a lot of acronyms, and I do agree it's kind of ridiculous to expect people to remember all of them! Especially fellow ND people with bad memory or even anxiety over having to remember each one! However, literally like everything else, especially with accommodations like this, please remember

What works for you, does not always work for others

I am a highly anxious autistic ADHD person, and I often have had many high anxiety episodes because of something friends would text me and then say "it was just a joke" - when I am already in the height of anxiety, telling me later that "I was joking" hardly helps

For example, I once had a friend say "all of [my] OCs are cringe ass babies" (literally a direct quote from our DMs)

This fucking sent me down, emotionally and mentally, into the crust of the earth - and I told her that "hey, you said something really rude, and I didn't like it" as I could feel my chest growing heavy and tight and my body shaking because this HURT - a LOT

And then she says "wait - what? I'm sorry I was just joking" which she meant genuinely, but my brain still questioned it

Now, for me, personally, if it was "your OCs are a bunch of cringe ass babies /j /lh" then I would be able to decipher and read her message as a light-hearted, poke-to-the-ribs type joke. Otherwise I cannot tell what someone's tone is at all, and with a comment like that, my anxiety (coupled with the fact I've had people irl maliciously attack me for my art + character design skills) will just assume the worst

I have read countless Calm messages as Loud and Angry, and I have read Upset messages as Bored and generally just got confused by them, and it has always created problems that could be so easily solved with an accommodation such as this

I, personally, suck at reading tone. And I've seen some people say "well, you can just slap tone tags on anything, even if you don't mean it" and....yeah. That's the flaw of any language. I can say that I'm not mad at anyone in my friend group, even when I am absolutely furious with one or multiple of them. I can say "jk lol 😂" and "omg it was JUST a joke 🤣" after calling someone's mom a fat, lazy cow who belongs in a barn and subsequently making them upset, even if I was being insulting.

ANYONE can do this. Language existing means people are going to use it to lie, to make themselves and their intentions look better. Hell, everything online revolves around this constant chance of "maybe the 22 year black butch autistic lesbian I'm donating money to online is actually a 40 year old upper class white cishet allistic woman who just wants to scam a bunch of queers"

And yeah, some of the acronyms do have multiple meanings from previous generations of texting lingo. However, again, that's just LANGUAGE!! Especially in the online world!

Hell, ASL and ASL exist. One is Age, Sex, Location? - a question often asked online about another person! And the other is American Sign Language.

And even for text lingo, you'd have so many overlaps!

FTW and FTW - one meaning For the Win, and the other Fuck the World.

Just...I don't know, I think I take all these little "jokes" so personally because I am one of those people who needs this accommodation. I don't expect everyone who interacts with me to use them, and I don't think we should expect everyone to use them - ESPECIALLY some of the more specific ones.

And yes, some people are fine with substitutes, such as saying "genuinely, please stop sending me photos of bugs. I'm not angry, I just don't want to see them" or even "he is my little bastard man (affectionate)" or whatever!

Just. I don't know. I'm just asking y'all to not make tone tags into the next "lol cringe autistics and their fail accommodations" thing. Even if you don't like it or need it.

[booksandmate]

aziraphale and crowley: sexless beings who can make an effort

there are a couple of things that i find really weird about all the discourse going around so i will use this post to summon my thoughts the best i can without writing an essay. this is not meant to be a completely new take on the topic, it's just mine, that has been occupying my mind far longer than i can take pride on.

so, the root of the matter is in this line from the book: "angels are sexless, unless they really want to make an effort". this is basically a rule containing its own exception. people who deny the possibility of any kind of sexual intimacy between them generally go for the rule, while people that think it possible go for the exception.

the first group of people would say "why would they?" and the second one, "why wouldn't they?" both valid. a rule is there for a reason, but so is an exception. if they would have wanted us to believe it impossible to think of sex between angelic beings, they wouldn't have included the exception. so, what we have so far is the possibility for both. therefore, it's as valid to think that they wouldn't have sex as it is that they would.

we had, however, other things. as it is them being able to do things in the human way despite it not being necessary for their nature, engaging in earthly pleasures such and eating and drinking, and other general activities such as reading. gardening, listening to music, driving, doing magic, etc. does this prove that they would want to have sex? of course not. it does prove, however, that they will do things outside of their nature just because they find them enjoyable.

so at this point, we know that is both biologically and voluntarily possible for them to desire sexual intimacy. they are not incapable of it in any way, which only leave us to say (from the denial side that they simply wouldn't want to. the main criticism to the take that they could and they would have sex comes from people who think of them as ace representation.

the thing is, asexuality is a spectrum. saying they would enjoy sex does not directly deny that they could be ace (in my mind, for example, crowley is demi) so when you say that people are "erasing ace representation" you are thinking about a very specific type of asexuality. one that is totally valid, but does not represent the feelings of the entire ace community towards sex.

it's not the best idea to project yourself into bits of the characters that have not been confirmed nor denied by canon and then be mad when other people think of them in a different way that you do. if you are ace and you don't engage in any kind of sexual activity, that's totally valid. as aziraphale and crowley have not been confirmed to feel that way towards sex, no one is erasing anything by saying that they would.

so to conclude this thing that ended up way longer than i originally intended, it's okay to see them as ace or not ace. it's okay to think that they wouldn't ever at all be interested in sex. what is not okay, is to accuse people of erasing representation (or even be mad at what is made canon) just because of the way you like to think of the characters.

the story is there. the possibility is there. you can't be mad that people hold on to the possibility.

i would like to add (because i feel it's a problem specially in this fandom) that anything that the author says that directly contradicts the story that has been told so far, it's not to be taken seriously. authors are people who need to money to live. and for people to give them their money, they need to please them. as the author of this story is in direct touch with fandom requests, it's not crazy to think that he would take a place on this discussion to please a group of people. we have a story, that’s what matters.

[soo-won]

Yona and Keishuk as representations of Suwon's feelings and pragmatism.

Disclaimer: Yona, Keishuk and Suwon are obviously their own persons with dozens of more layers than what I talk about in this post. The scenes I use as examples are also about much more than what I use them for here. All of this is just one way I like to read things and I don't claim that the manga is meant to be read that way at all (the contrary honestly). This is just me having fun overanalyzing everything.

Something that has been on my mind since chapter 232 now, is the idea that Yona and Keishuk represent perfectly the duality inside of Suwon. I have loved this trio for all the potential they hold since the castle arc now, and I didn't get as much as I wanted with them at all but this specific page of chapter 232 still makes me "oooooh".

(Long post under the cut. sorry)

I know the important part comes just after with the "You are needed." Suwon-Yona scene, but I think the composition is super interesting here. Yona and Keishuk are having a full conversation, debating over what to do about Mei-nyan, and Suwon doesn't participate at all (he only enters the conversation next page but doesn't say anything on that matter specifically until chapter 233, when he makes his decision). As if quietly listening to both sides and considering all the points they present. Yes saving Mei-nyan is a bother, why should they do so much for one captive? Yes it's also dangerous to let her in enemy hands given the informations she has against Suwon. It's not farfetched to imagine Suwon can agree to both of their statements. Suwon is hidden by the bubbles of their conversation, erasing himself to give room to their discussion. It's as if we were inside Suwon's head and being a spectator of his trains of thoughts, as if Yona and Keishuk were two parts of Suwon's psyche. They're obviously their own independant characters outside of that with their own merits and personality etc ect but I think it's still interesting to read their dynamic this way.

After all, didn't Yona always represent for Suwon his own feelings? And Keishuk the lack of them? Discarding Yona (and Hak, but I think Yona especially represents that) has always been synonym to discarding his feelings. By discarding her, Suwon discards that he is not a 100% impartial human being that loves (and hates) some people more than others, and that he actually cares and cannot always 100% control his heart. The reason he discarded Yona when the coup happened is because his feelings don't matter from that point on and are directly in the way of his goals. And one of the reason he rejected her so much in the castle and kai battle arcs is exactly because she means something special to him and she keeps trying to appeal to Suwon's heart and feelings (by making several references to Yonhi for example, but also simply by being herself and asking Suwon to save the prisoners, etc) and tries to make the situations personal, two things that Suwon forced himself to stop and not do for a plethora of reasons I won't develop here.

(About Yonhi, the manga has made a connection between Yona and Yonhi a few times? One thing is Yonhi's hairpin that Yona also wears on one of the magazine cover, and there are the few mentions Yona makes of her in front of Suwon. I don't think the manga tries to say that Yona=Yonhi at all, but rather that Yona acts as some sort of reminder of her to Suwon? After all, there's close to no one left in the world who knew her, and even less in the castle and around Suwon in contrast to how Suwon grew up and is surrounded by Yuhon's faction and people admiring him. But most people forgot about Yonhi or never thought much of her. So I assume post-diary Yona tries to balance things out a little bit on that aspect, showing that even if people see Suwon as Yuhon's successor, he is also at his core his mother's son and it's sad to pretend he is not.

In parallel, even if not as explicitely as Yona (as I don't remember Keishuk ever mentioning Yuhon in front of Suwon?) Keishuk is one of the many reminder of Yuhon to Suwon. Keishuk definitely isn't Yuhon either, but the way he thinks and his ideology are similar enough. So you could say that Yona and Keishuk are Yonhi and Yuhon's voices in the present.)

In parallel Keishuk represents the exact opposite of listening to your feelings. Keishuk needs analysis posts for him alone, but even though he is obviously not without emotions at all, his place and role by Suwon's side is precisely to present him things as objectively as possible and make the most practical and efficient decisions, leaning towards machiavellianism (and I love him for that <3). Plus, contrary to Suwon, Keishuk doesn't have any emotional attachment for Yona and Hak, so while Suwon can rarely think straight when it's about them, Keishuk can, and is essential. Suwon would have never made it like he's engaged to Yona, he would have never proposed an alliance with her in the first place, nor would he have asked her to support him on the battlefield on his own. Before the alliance, Keishuk also investigated on the DDHHB behind Suwon's back, and tried to kill Yona and Hak several times because he knew they would be/have become a nuisance, while Suwon overlooked what Yona could/does represent because of his feelings.

Keishuk takes the decisions Suwon can't. And I think a part of Suwon is aware of that. Keishuk is like a point of reference and the reason he has Keishuk by his side and lets him do all these things is because he agrees that these actions are sounded and benefit Kouka in some way. Suwon would have never imprisoned Hak himself, but when Keishuk tells him about it, Suwon doesn't object. When in chapter 2 Keishuk tells Suwon to kill Yona, he doesn't object either, and readies himself to do so.

Keishuk is Suwon's speaker. Suwon rarely voices his true thoughts but Keishuk as a proxy often gives us an idea. His personality makes him more snarky and they don't agree on everything, but Suwon knows that Keishuk will always absolutely prioritizes Kouka as a whole over everything else and he can trust that. And that's also why I think Keishuk can represent one part of Suwon's psyche. He is the part of Suwon that shows no remorse for his colder decisions and is resolved to make any sacrifices needed for the sake of his goals. He is the part of Suwon that refuses to let himself be moved by his emotions and unable to make sound decisions because of it, the part of himself that won't prioritize someone only out of love or compassion.

And Yona is you could say the speaker of Suwon's feelings. Take the Hak imprisonment fiasco for example. This is a moment that shows a bit of Keishuk's vulnerability, but if you decide to read every interaction between Keishuk and Yona as some kind of metaphor of Suwon's inner conflict it's also super interesting. Keishuk wants to kill Hak because he is a threat to Suwon's life: simple and straigthforward. Keishuk doesn't love Hak and is still afraid of the danger he represents for Suwon's life at that point and very much doesn't like how Hak tries to get closer to Suwon without his approval. These are points very specific to Keishuk as an individual, related to his backstory and his personality. But this very reactive answer to Hak suddenly getting too close to Suwon is also very befitting of how Suwon feels imo. Suwon doesn't know Hak was here at that point sure, but on a meta level rejecting Hak so extremely the second he gets too close and sees him at a weak point just makes sense. Hak was the very last person Suwon wanted to be seen by this way. And him not objecting to his imprisonment is for me a sign that he is okay with things this way. He doesn't want Hak to get close. It's better like this. If Hak gets close, he can't think straight in more way than one. So let's discard him.

But then Yona enters and stops Keishuk. This scene is meant to show Yona's development and how she is able to protect Hak her own way and how Hak's life is not something she will ever compromise on, things that are distinct to her as an individual as well. But if you see Yona's rise in the castle as the rise of Suwon's closeted feelings, getting harder and harder to repress, it also shows that it got to the point where these feelings directly clash with his usual mindset, that these feelings for Hak have enough power to put a curb on the "discard every piece in your way" ideology.

Suwon is a secretive person who learned to keep most of his thoughts and feelings to himself. He is by nature someone who doesn't react to tragedies the way you would expect him to, looking detached and unconcerned. But what Akayona showed again and again is that by no mean this is equal to him being indifferent and not feeling anything at all. This is just his way of processing and dealing with grief(I'm not gonna go on a tangent on how he can be read as neurodivergent but yeah. he's so real for that). Being openly emotional like Keishuk and Yona is just not who he is as a person, it happens but only rarely, so the two of them are the perfect proxy to show the turmoil going on in Suwon's heart. Whether it's when Suwon is annoyed and angry, or when he's worried about Hak's whereabouts, they're his voice. (Interestingly Keishuk seems to be the only one convinced Hak is dead and thinks as such. Something something Suwon swaying between hoping that Hak is still alive somewhere(like Yona) and giving up on that hope(like Keishuk).)

But Suwon is not Keishuk. And actually a lot of times when Keishuk advises Suwon to kill someone, Suwon compromises to only capturing and imprisoning them or even lets them escape in Yona and Hak's cases. And one of the way I choose to interpret the Kai battle arc like is that it's all about Suwon accepting his own feelings, that even if he agrees with his father's ideology, he is his own person and he can't keep discarding the part of him that cares and loves and worries and feels. He can't keep discarding Yona and Hak. Yes Yona is needed, his own feelings are needed.

And he is not Yona either. That's why he still sees saving Mei-nyan as a nuisance. Suwon is Suwon, and being able to look at things calmly and evalutating the risks and costs of an action over another and making his decisions based on that is still very much a part of him that you can't remove.

He is somewhere between Yona and Keishuk. A King who inherently prioritizes the bigger number over a few individuals, and yet someone who genuinely likes the people around him and can be swayed by his own emotions. He is very much both his parents' child. And he has to learn to reconcile both, without discarding one or the other.

Going even further, Yona being a proxy of Suwon's feelings fits perfectly the role she has now. She always tries to help the people that Suwon discards for his goals and he used to not let her do so, as a symbol for closing himself off completely, but now he accepts it (with still some reluctance but hey!) and knows he can entrust her with it. I don't think this is inherently a bad thing and it works well with Keishuk as a parallel again, as Suwon always entrusted him with all the logistics and the things he doesn't like to think about. Keishuk also often carries the bad role and direct the negativity at him (on purpose or not) so it doesn't reach Suwon. So like, to each their own role.

TDLR: Yona and Keishuk are like the little angel and devil on Suwon's shoulders respectively telling him to save and kill.

[transingthoseformers]

RODIMUS: Hey Mags, I've got a concern about fraternization.

ULTRA MAGNUS (pained): I applaud your attempt to handle this professionally. Perhaps Rung or Ratch-

RODIMUS: Nah, Mags. I trust you and your kind of in the know. So you remember the whole Getaway Thing?

ULTRA MAGNUS: Yes. I do recall your intial announcement of a former sexual relationship. And the follow-up intoxicated discussion about the "subpar spike" you have endured since. Ratchet has denied my requests to assist in the deletion of these memories.

RODIMUS: Cool, so we don't need to recap. I know I didn't mention it but the breakup wasn't...it was pretty bad. Whole relationship. Like messed me up for a while. Bad bad. Not Nyon Bad. But definitely Doubledealer Bad. Kup had me on watch for a bit for "self-destructive tendencies".

ULTRA MAGNUS: I–One moment Captain. (Types something and the doors lock) I have fully booked my time for the next hour for this discussion.

RODIMUS: Thanks Mags. Anyway you just gotta know it was bad. I was bad. He was bad. It was all just...

ULTRA MAGNUS: Bad?

RODIMUS: Yeah. But like the interface was good. Like really, really good.

ULTRA MAGNUS: (Clenches his teeth but nods)

RODIMUS: And I thought if it was it had to mean something. It, eh. It didn't.

ULTRA MAGNUS: Captain, does Getaway need to be removed from the ship? I haven't approved his transfer I can defer him to be returned to Cybertron.

RODIMUS: (hesitates) No. We're all about second chances, right? The crew gave me one. I'd be pretty hypocritical if I didn't give him one. 'Sides, Skids is here and Atomizer. 'Cept Prowl, Getaway doesn't really have other people to help him move post-war.

ULTRA MAGNUS: That is very mature of you.

RODIMUS: (smiles) Thanks, Mags. But anyway, I have an actual reason. I need you to swear on your Spark no matter what happens. No matter what I say, no matter how drunk I get, do not–I repeat do NOT let me frag him again. It will end total emotional devastation, at least three deaths, and potentially the destruction of at least one species.

-

GETAWAY: If I try to frag Hot Rod shoot me.

ATOMIZER: Will do.

WHIRL: Happily.

SKIDS: Okay? I–Can't you two just talk?

GETAWAY: No.

He's trying

Mags is trying desperately

Sdfhjk. Mags please don't encourage Domey to do mnemosurgery just to erase an unpleasant convo

Rodimus that's definitely not making him feel better

roddie you know this is a bad idea but you're doing it anyway. Great.

The way they keep going on about "don't let me frag Getaway/Rodimus" tells me they're probably going to frag again at some point.

[erithel]

Ok so this might be just a me thing but am I the only one feels whenever Allura is brought up in talks like these people always seem to harbour feelings of resentment towards her. Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not all that into her either and people have their preferences. I just feel like whenever she's mentioned in discussions about character writing and development , there's this feeling of genuine hatred (and I use that word VERY lightly mind you since I don't know who genuinely hates her) which I don't seem to get as much with the other characters and I'm not sure where exactly it comes from. Like something about her vibe just rubs people the wrong way? Again, could just be me but what are your thoughts on the matter?

It's definitely not just you. I've noticed it, too.

And I have two theories as to why people tend to harbor these feelings towards her.

The character people relate to most on a personal level is Lance, and they can't get past how she treated Lance in the later seasons.

Her character development was written in such a way that it didn't just halt – it backslid.

Both of these go hand in hand, actually. And it's pretty sad because I think Allura started out as a character with so much strong potential, especially for a female of color in a leadership role. She was commanding, but also had a fun side. She was powerful, but compassionate. She was strong, but she also had some amazing moments of vulnerability.

And then she got into a relationship with Lance for no reason and she became a stereotype, in my opinion.

She became the typical female character who chooses a guy she has no romantic chemistry with – who she has shown no previous interest in – just because she's supposed to be paired up with someone.

I think people resent her because they way her character was written in the later seasons made her seem like she was using Lance as a rebound when she was definitely still not over Lotor, and that made her seem manipulative.

I think they also resent her, because the choices the writers had her make in the later seasons basically erased what she had been and could have been.

She was the strong, female protagonist who…oh, well, I guess she actually did need a man. Oh well.

I feel like recently I've been wanting to write Allura more than the other secondary characters (behind klance lol) because I want an Allura who is strong but also playful and a gossip. I want an Allura who will have fun, but will also command the attention of everyone in the room.

Of course, there's also the reason for people disliking her that she "got in the way of klance," but that's a petty reason, so there's not much more to be said about that.

[best-enemies]

ok. you know what. ill bite. what are your thoughts on the master

Oh anon I have neverending thoughts about the Master. Took me a few days to write but I'm having a day off work, thank god. Sorry this is a long one but you asked for it lol here we go:

One, I have this personal meta that there were multiple factors that made the Master evil, all due to a) things that happened to him, be that trauma, betrayal, etc. b) the environment he grew up in, as in the Time Lord society in general. A society that dismissed feelings as weaknesses and treated mistakes as if they made one unworthy of dignity and at the same time turned a blind eye when necessary and swoop their dirt under the rug with corruption and murder, something they didn't seem that bothered by.

By the way, what I'm saying doesn't erase the Master's actions, he's fully responsible by what he does (and he owns it proudly!) and I'm not condoning those things (I shouldn't have to clarify that but you know how it is with fandom lol). But I mention this because, if you need an example, just take a look at the first Doctor, especially during his first serials, and how he was willing to kill a caveman with a rock (oh if that rings a bell lol) and has made some pretty selfish/poor decisions. But he changed, and he was willing to change. I don't think he was a bad person within his core, but those traces were a reflection of his upbringing and his culture. He kept choosing to be a good person, and that's what drives him, while the Master keeps choosing to be a bad person.

What drives the Master to be like this? Why does death and chaos and destruction give him so much bliss, even though he knows he'll suffer the consequences and they're mostly negative? Did he find comfort in those things or did it become so addicting that, as per the scene in the Timeless Children episode, it is a way to calm all the rage he can't/doesn't want to deal with (and not even those things work anymore)?

By the way, Verayne - aka one of my all time favorite authors - wrote a scene in this fic where the Master and the Doctor talk about it in bed and it's my favorite moment of them in this story (and one of the best scenes I've ever read in fanfiction). By the way I recommend all of Verayne's stories, they're fantastic and give some great insight on their relationship, especially Tensimm.

The topic of the nature of the Master is something I LOVE to discuss about. I've been a fan of the show for a decade and it's like I keep unfolding this character more and more. He's that interesting.

Two, there was an interesting moment from the War Master's first boxset that still lives in my mind rent-free. I can't remember exactly which audio, but he says that he's an observer, someone who sees the universe the way it is, a realist. That line just gets me. It actually says a lot about the Master as a survivor. For me it's actually a better description of him than someone who's just 'evil'. He knows the universe can be a terrible place, has lived through the worst, and thinks that the Doctor is living an illusion, that he doesn't see reality the way it is. That the good he sees in people is fake. That may be a reflection of his own experiences (not what his approaches might have helped). Or maybe the Doctor isn't deluded - he's just trying to prove a point to himself. That he's good. I mean, he is trying to be good every day and that that is what matters, but I'm trying to see it through the Master's eyes here so don't give up on me lol.

He knows the Doctor is lying to himself. Here's my whole point: the reason the Master exists is because he's here to make the Doctor confront himself. He's been in the Doctor's life ever since they were kids, he knows the Doctor better than anyone else. He's seen his best and his worst.

By his worst, I mean the side that the Doctor doesn't show anyone else, like his companions and friends in general. All they've got is glimpses of it. And they won't like or approve that side of him. And the Doctor knows that.

And that's why he hides it. But the Master is here to expose that side and to tell him that he likes it. He wants the Doctor to accept that side of himself because it's the one that's most like the Master. The reason why the Doctor is different from anyone else in the universe, the reason why he's special, is because out of everybody, he's the one that's most like the Master. As the Twelfth Doctor puts it: "She’s the only person I’ve ever met who’s even remotely like me."

Identity is important. Seeing yourself in someone is important. Because the Master needs to be understood, and to be seen, and as the Lumiat put it, like every beast, he just wants to be loved. He doesn't think he's wrong in his ways. He doesn't want the Doctor to heal him, he wants to be loved the way he is, a monster, because he loves the monster in the Doctor as well. And the Doctor loves the good person inside the Master, the one he knows that's still there. I mean... there was good in Missy. But a huge part of that was her love for the Doctor. That's why she tried at all.

So we see how the Timeless Child thing hurt the Master. That was one aspect of it. One, was because the Master is proud, and that's his biggest capital sin. He believes that now, the Doctor is greater than him. Two, he thought that he had someone in the universe who was just like him, whom he shared a history with, so that there was something in his life that mattered. Their history mattered. But now he thinks it doesn't anymore, because the Doctor has had a history before him, and therefore he's just a spec of dust in the Doctor's life now, just like the humans, a passenger.

He throws that anger at the Doctor because the Doctor always thought of themselves as special (and in the Master's vision, he'd always thought he was more special than the Master too), and now it was true, and the Master feels like nothing. It hurts him deeply that, in his mind, he no longer holds the importance in the Doctor's life that the Doctor has in his. And I think that he's angry at his own feelings for the Doctor, perhaps blaming himself, but he can't help but try to attract the Doctor's attention at all costs, because he needs it, he's addicted and maybe she'll give it to him and he'll have some importance in her life. Maybe if he does something grand enough, if he's the one to kill the Doctor, it'll be worth it. He'll be the one to have killed the Timeless Child, the Doctor. Now imagine how much it hurt so that he asked her to kill him too, to die with him. Maybe that's how he figures they can finally be together. Who knows.

I added some tags to this post, which I very much agree with, with my words about how the Doctor can be very controlling about their relationship, trying to make the Master something he isn't so he can feel not guilty about loving him.

Aaand here's my thoughts about The Doctor Falls and the scene I believe to be the most important Thoschei moment.

I also wrote this about the Master and how his jealousy plays out in his feelings for the Doctor, and I mean not only by wanting him but wanting what he has.

Long story short: the Master is a romantic he just takes bad flirting to a whole different level (destroying galaxies to get his crush's attention)

[lookotherway]

When Encanto came out and some fanartists drew the characters in a particular copic shade which was Not the same exact shade as the animator posted and it was Americans who heckled them while actual South Americans were saying we don't see a problem, the art isn't offensive and being annoyed by having actual voice silenced. Also my god how many kept complaining when One Piece SBS had Oda say Jinbei who is a whale shark fishman was Indian with fans saying all fishmen are black coded coz f slavery

*and the thing one piece is very school so it's got a lot of what is now problematic but it's the same with all old stuff. Buthat's the thing some of the fishmen do look black while all mermaids are white but Jinbei looks like a komainu and is a whale shark so was expecting Okinawan but India works too and Luffy is Brazillian from "Goa". But say one word how nice to see mention of your country and get replied only with that it's false and means nothing coz hes black it's antagoninizing

*and thats the thing for some the whole looks and race ofcharacter doesnt matter in the same coz appearance isn't bringing in the relatability of culture, religion, experiences anything even characters who are literally drawn to represent other countries coz there's Japan and west centric even in anime and it just never captures some foreign culture unless it's a well researched manga like Bride Stories. And the concept of lack of representation moved Hollywood to->anime??

gosh i remember all of this started when some people attacked artists and cosplayers when they couldn’t portray darker skin accurately. they could just leave a polite comment and remind the artist and maybe hear the reasons, but instead they wrecked the comment section and even went to screencap it and brought to other platforms so they could drag more people into bullying the said artist. it happened so many times to artists and cosplayers.

then it went downhill as the first thing artists who do blackwash replied to comments telling them shouldn’t rewrite one’s racial traits, was “stop being a racist”? can you image how enraged japanese and chinese on twitter were when their works were racially reclaimed but somehow it was them who’s wrong and racist?

like, everything would be fine if artists and cosplayers who do blackwash treat people who question them with respect and consideration. because color is something variable on the techniques, everyone does art knows that. because skin is biologically unalterable so we’re actually fine with who cosplays who despite skin color. because in the end fiction is but fiction, it’s nice to see more cultures around the world being portrayed, fictitiously or accurately.

but no. they claim the creators purposely wronged “their representation”. they entitled themselves the right to fix a representation they deemed wrong but it turned out they were just assuming the culture based on their false assumption. they act as if only them exist with a tragic but glorious history and belittle other races. they even dared to call us racist and act victim just because we didn’t yield to their double-standarded reasons. how disrespectful.

it’s their actions and attitude that turned blackwashing into a racist thing to us. yeah so blackwashing is your fandom culture? no crime? then why you instantly seethe your fur when asian question it, when you could politely explain or discuss cultures with them, when you could listen to their reason of why they feel uncomfortable looking at your works? why you call them racists, when it’s you who erased their racial traits?

american or who, i’m not gonna stand these people.

if we think we are wronged against, we will fight it ourselves, no need for people of the other side of this world to teach us what’s wrong and right.

[kithtaehyung]

Hey Ryen! Sooo I reread 3tan1 after reading Anytime and I apologise in advance for all the quotes I'm going to put here, it just feels like I'm annotating one of my favourite books so bear with me please.

I loved going back to seeing things through Yoongi's pov, that man sets the bar for all humankind I swear.

After seeing Yoongi going soft for MC in the next chapters I had almost forgotten that he has the bad boy/player side to him too lol

It's great to see how easily they can understand and read each other from the start even if they haven't seen each other in years and their previous interactions were pretty shallow. It just goes to show how well they match and how much attention they pay to each other. "And ever the avid reader, he could sit and read you all day." I mean this line just...

I love that from the start Yoongi tries to make MC erase any doubt she has about herself and that that's what pushes him over the edge and makes him give in to her demand in the first place.

"Never have you been so taken care of first—or at all—before." 🥺🥺🥺 It feels so good to know that MC finally has someone who is willing to show her that she deserves to be treated right beacuse she really really does.

Also reading “In my pussy, you son of a bitch!” makes me laugh out loud every time I read it. I love when MC gets impatient and forgets to be shy and overthink things lol.

Obviously everything Yoongi says is extremely hot and considerate at the same time, but having developed this huge soft spot for MC while reading all the next parts makes me stop at every one of her lines and just 🥺🥺🥺 “I’m liking everything with you”🥺🥺🥺

"This kiss isn’t like the others before, or like anything you both just did. It effectively calms you and starts to scrape at the hardest pieces of doubt caked on your brain, not relenting until they’re fully dealt with." Nothing will ever compare to the way Yoongi recognises and eases MC's worries with everything he does and says.

"What matters is that you were shown self-worth that will never leave the marrow of your bones, nor the deepest recesses of your brain." I simply have no words after reading this I just love them so much.

Overall, seeing the progress of MC with her being able to voice what she wants just in this chapter, let alone thinking about how much better she gets at it later on makes me soft and I can't wait to see her being even more confident in herself in the future too.

Also this time around, my mission is also to pay more attention to all the details that we get about bro since I still don't have a concrete theory about who he is yet.

Thanks for putting up with this rant lol I just love your writing and can't keep all these thoughts to myself. I hope you are doing well and being kind to yourself 💞💞

-🥝

KIWI!! argh, i am so sorry for getting to this one a bit late. things were hectic surrounding the chicago trip and i finally have some actual downtime to create a proper response. so here we go! hopefully you end up seeing this.

i love when it feels like your annotating, though! those are the best bc it fosters genuine discussion (which i love.) and yoongi's povs are my faves<33 AND RIGHT LMAO like we see yoongi's personality around reader that when we get back to the parts where he's his fuckboy self, the duality hits like a train! i'll put the rest under a cut bc i have a lot more to say dfhskfjl

i'm sighing reading your review bc it's taking me back to working on the original 3tan :')) the very start of their journey (at least, their new one) that's full of both uncertainty and understanding each other right away. and the avid reader line, yeah.. gosh.

what's also cool is that we do see reader being demanding here! she really had nothing to lose at this point so we saw that side of her before all the rest. i can't wait to revisit that side, even though i'm certainly not ready for it lol AND HER CURSING WHEN IMPATIENT LMAOO you just know that will get yoongi every damn time, too.

the contrast between yoongi's fiery lines and reader's super delicate ones? i loved working on. because it makes yoongi pause and reminds him about reader's personality. he's just starting to see how she is, and that's why it gets him hooked.

the lines from the end, though! i intended for this to be a one-shot with an open ending, but i'm honestly so grateful we kept it going because these two have come to mean the world to me. like you, i'm ready to see reader grow and show off that confidence we all know she has!

oh gosh, you never need to apologize for long messages like this. it's not a rant at all! i absolutely love reading and responding to commentary like yours, so you are definitely okay💞 i'm doing well and i hope you are, too. thank you again!

[carelesstemper]

What would I even say?

This isn't just about one or two situations or discussions. It isn't about what you said one time or how you acted one time. It's an accumulation of things that just built up to how I feel now. It might just be one sided and that I can deal with. That I can get over because I'm used to that. which is a very sad thing to say but it's true. I can just distance myself and forget all about it. What's confusing to me though, is the things you say when you're drinking. I can't trust those words. I can't trust those actions no matter how much you say you mean it. You can't possibly think that's fair to me. It's also not just how you are when you're drunk either. When I'm around you I just read into things and that might be my fault and that's why I had to just stop being around you. I don't trust myself to go back to how it used to be cause every time I do, it just gets worse to force myself to try and walk away. The worst thing about this all is that it might not just be one sided. I am terrified that this isn't just one sided because what then? what would happen? I would absolutely hate myself if that turned out the be true because I would feel like I took something from someone who wasn't ready to let that go. Shit happened and there's not much to do to erase that. I hate that I don't even know what this is. There's so much in the air that it's like what do I even call this? It feels like heartbreak but on the outside it just looks silly. Like a stupid dramatic back and forth between children. I finally feel I have outgrown this type of attention. Attention from the guy who doesn't know how he feels about me. I'm done trying to read between the lines and scrape up a story that makes me feel loved. A story where I finally get what I want. It's so unfair that you come running to me on the weekends wanting to talk. Like it doesn't hurt after that I go back to what I'm doing and you get to go back to her and pretend it didn't mean anything. I know I am not crazy to think that. When I'm around you I feel valued. For the first time in my life I feel like I genuinely matter to someone in a way I've been chasing my entire life. I know that's a lot to put on someone but honestly, you became my favourite part of my day, week even. I can't do this with you. I just can't. If I am the one to walk away, then I don't have to hear about how you're sorry, and that you were unintentionally leading me on. If we don't talk about this, I don't have to hear the things I know you're going to say. I can walk away from this on my own terms. Whether that gives you closure or not. I don't need that. I want it. I don't need it.

[arthursfrienddragon]

Snow Queen: The 53-hour adrenaline induced by giddiness Blogpost

Distortion and Inversion are one of the two things brought upon by the demon unto our world via the mirror he created. Once shattered to million pieces, it acted like a plague that would cloud and darken one's perspective and feelings as the examples given where beautiful things either shrink or become grotesque after being reflected in the mirror, or how Kay, who had a grain of broken shard of the mirror going inside his heart became a completely different person who showed wickedness and hints of cruelty. Stories such as the Snow Queen collection could only be found in a library mostly in the children's section if my memory from elementary serves me right. These stories have valuable lessons that isn't particularly accessible to majority of the population because not everyone would have an interest in visiting the library or the luxury of owning a book, but right now it can be easily accessed and for free with one tap of a finger for it has been adapted to the internet as an e-book. Right now these stories who have failed to touch the minds of those who aren't able to get their hands on the books can be read and understood by almost everyone. The impact of these stories being available online would entirely depend on whether the user of the internet would stumble upon it or even bother reading it, but it will never be a problem understanding and absorbing them for it is simple yet interesting. The Emperor's New Clothes, a story I most vividly remember because I used to read this over and over when I was… I don't know. 1st or 2nd grade? At that time I was but a child who couldn't even recite the multiplication table except for 2, 5, and 10 was able to understand the moral of the story which is not putting your complete faith to someone and to believe in yourself more as some times it is better to trust your own eyes and gutfeel rather than those around you as they might trick you like what happened to the emperor. What I'm saying is, that these stories hold so much value and it would only take at least 10 working brain cells to understand that way it can easily affect and benefit everyone who potentially has access to it. But enough of this fad over the classic stories being available online, let us also discuss the dark side of things. As it is common knowledge to everyone that the revolution started by digital publishing would one day kill and erase the presence of hard copies and traditional reading experience, there might still be some other things that would pose as a hurdle of challenge when it comes to e-books. Yes, they are accessible anytime and can fit tons of them into your gadget but what if there is no internet connection at the area, or your battery run out. Those were situations where traditional books come in handy. And not to forget the biggest problem we all our facing currently, each of us at least spend 4 hours in the internet looking, watching, reading something that it overclocks your brain to a point where you can no longer fir whatever the hell you read 1 hour ago because of too much information. Our brain can only retain memories of the ones we deem as interesting no matter how important something is if we find it boring, poof sayonara kiyoku-san! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ That is why at times I still think writing something down will be retained longer in your storage as it was in a different medium and whenever you try to remember something that is on paper, there would be no competition and it would most likely appear immediately.

[caeawr]

The Ethics Of Paradise

We as humans have always been raised to pursue one thing, and that is happiness. The root of all actions can be found in the natural human desire for joy, no matter how morally unjust. People often say "as long as it makes you happy", we all live by an untold law that happiness is the ultimate goal.

Many like to think of a utopian future, one in which every living creature is happy. A world with no hatred and anger, no suffering, and no prejudice. Whilst this seems to be perfect, upon further thought one sees that a utopia cannot ever truly exist.

We as humans are all so wildly different. I'm not a poet for declaring every human unique, plenty of people have said this, however, this raises my biggest concern with a utopia. For example, for me, a utopia would include no prejudice or war. For someone else, they'd prefer a world with no minorities and constant conflict. Our ideas of happiness clash to such an extent that we cannot co-exist and live in happiness, one side must be chosen, leaving the other person in a world they perceive as nightmarish. For that person, they live in a world of constant suffering, contradicting the notion that utopia is a place where everyone can be happy.

The solution? No option is ethical, but you could choose from three choices:

• compromise with both parties and reach a middle ground, leaving both not truly satisfied.

• remove one party from existence

• forcefully alter one party's opinion

Although you may jump to say that option A is the obvious option, this isn't actually possible. By forcing the parties to reach a middle ground, you are forcing them to accept a reality they see as subpar. Why should everyone else enjoy paradise whilst they live resentful of a missed opportunity to live in a world they see perfect? That is not a utopia.

Option B is self explanatory. Yet by performing this, you are committing a targeted genocide. Why should people be wiped from reality to satiate people you deem as morally superior? This was attempted in history once before, wasn't it?

In reality, option C seems to be the more viable solution to the dilemma. I don't think you need to be told what the problem with this is, though. Brainwashing those you disagree with may be the most "ethical" solution of the three provided, but it isn't close to making people happy. They may think they're experiencing a paradise, but you're simply erasing their sense of self and deluding them into "contentment" as you see fit. At that point, you're just bending the minds of people who may protest your dictations so force them to accept what you deem to be a utopia. Brainwashing should not exist in a place that promotes freedom and joy.

Why do we as humans believe our opinions are definitely correct? Why can we not perceive that people derive happiness from things we don't enjoy? Why do we live in a world where someone would hope for a reality of their entire dictation and be called selfless and not a sociopath? Are we accustomed to selfishness? Do we desire to settle for a theoretical fulfilment?

With that in mind, lets move onwards to the main question I feel this raises. What is heaven?

Before we continue, be aware that I will be discussing religion and criticising religious beliefs and speaking negatively of God. If that bothers you I advise you stop reading here. Thanks for making it this far, and enjoy your week.

This only applies to literalist views, so let's say that heaven is a physical place where the soul goes after bodily death. If it's a place of happiness, who defines what that is? Is it God? A being we don't clearly understand? Why strive to spend eternity in a place you can't understand?

Perhaps heaven is tailored for each individual based on what their cognition of happiness is, in which case, how does this work? If we all coexist in heaven but perceive it differently, how can we understand one another? Is heaven a social or isolated place? This brings us back to the first problem - if someone thrives on socialisation, they can't be happy in a place of either miscommunication or isolation, so for them, that's hell. Could a benevolent God send its followers to a place they'll be miserable under the belief that it's "something they'll deal with". Think back to "option A".

I have no real answer to any of these questions.

In conclusion, paradise cannot exist. We have grown to thrive on disagreement, so a reality where everyone is happy isn't possible. We cannot live in harmony. We cannot all be happy.

This might seem like a negative, I am saying that we cannot all be happy and that a reality of utopia is impossible. However, I don't regard this as a negative. If we were all completely satisfied, we wouldn't have any aspirations or wants, as they'd be fulfilled. If so, what would we be driven onwards by? We need negative emotions, we need to be devastated, we need to feel rage, we need to be jealous, we need to not be happy. Else happiness would mean nothing.

Paradise cannot exist. And that's a good thing.

|`|

Thank you for reading! This is my first time actually constructing my thoughts and posting them online so I'm sorry if it's a little all over the place.

I have a writing in the works about religion and God so if you think you might be interested please drop a follow :) I appreciate everything. You can also drop a follow if you might want to look at pictures I take of the countryside once a year.

Have a lovely week.

- C

[mimzy-writing-online]

You probably know this by now, I don't know if you keep up with Whumptober, but one of the prompts this year includes "blindness". I'm not blind but based on your posts about writing blind characters, and based on how I would feel if one of my disabilities were used as a whump prompt, I'm not super comfortable with it. I was wondering what your thoughts are on blindness being a Whumptober prompt.

(unironically and with feeling) thanks, I hate it.

Yes, I’m familiar with Whumptober, but I’ve never participated myself and I haven’t seen this year’s prompts.

Edit: I later did see the prompts and check out the blog. I think it's a good set of prompts and I look forward to all the promising content, especially since some of my favorite tropes are there. To be clear before you read this, I have no problem with Whumptober2021 or whump in general. This is not the first time blindness has been included for a list of whump prompts, and it won't be the last.

This post directed at the concept of "blindness" as a whump prompt and why I think it's a bad idea. The intended audience is individual writers thinking about future projects.

The timing of this is almost too perfect because I read a fanfic earlier this week that would meet that prompt exactly. Tags included whump, blindness, and angst with a happy ending. Now whump, hurt/comfort, and angst with a happy ending are tags I enjoy reading, but blindness as whump has a specific message to it.

To explain that message, I want to discuss what whump is. Many readers are already familiar with the genre, but I think taking the specific definitions and picking apart what it means and what expectations we carry when reading whump fanfiction

Urban Dictionary defines it as: taking a character and putting them through physical and/or mental torment and is typically followed by the same character being treated for their traumas. To indicate the characters place in the situation they’d typically be called a whumpee (the character being hurt/comforted), the whumper (the character that causes harm and trauma), and the caretaker (the character designated the helping/healing/comforting the whumpee).

Fanlore has a page for whump that explains it in depth, including where it started in fanfiction, examples of whump, and even a list of “popular targets” in different fandoms. (Warning: you might find yourself called out on the popular targets list)

“The term whump (or whumping) generally refers to a form of Hurt/Comfort that is heavy on the hurt and is often found in gen stories. The exact definition varies and has evolved over time. Essentially, whump involves taking a canon character, and placing them in physically painful or psychologically-damaging scenarios. Often this character is a fan favorite…”

To add to that, I think an important detail is the distinction Fanlore makes between hurt/comfort and whump:

“While some communities and fandoms may use whump as a synonym for hurt/comfort, there is still a recognition that whump refers to darker and more extreme scenarios. And there are still whump fics been written that have very little, or no comfort at the end of the story.”

The big appeal of hurt/comfort is getting to both explore the darker sides of pain and then experience the catharsis of being taken care of, of being supported by your loved ones as you recover from the trauma. The character is the proxy for experiencing those highs and lows while you yourself are safe at home.

I personally don’t read much/any whump without some h/c involved, but I’m happy there are stories out there for people who do enjoy it. I’m not here to judge what you like reading or what you do to your characters.

What I want is to express how blindness, my disability, used as a whump prompt personally makes me feel and what message it sends to me, to others, and how that message affects my daily life.

Whump undeniably involves watching a character suffer through something painful and traumatic.

My use of the word “suffer” is what I want you to focus on.

Vision loss can be painful and traumatic. I personally developed an anxiety disorder in response to vision loss. Others experience depression. For some it might result in relapsing into old, maladaptive coping mechanisms like drug use, self harm, or eating disorders.

A big part of my anxiety was how people reacted to my vision loss. It was a cause of their stress. They were worried because they genuinely believed I would never live a happy life without normal vision, and that my life would only be struggle and pain.

I recently saw an old friend who hadn’t heard about my vision loss. The conversation was awkward, but the worst part was how they reacted as though I had experienced an insurmountable tragedy. And even when I assured them I’m happy with my life, they clearly didn’t believe me. They acted like I was just lying or in denial.

I love that people want to empathize with my situation and ask themselves what they would do in my situation, but I hate when the conclusion they come to is something along the lines of “I could never do that, I’d be too miserable thinking about everything I lost, I’d never be able to do anything I enjoyed ever again.” But I did go blind. And I’m not miserable, I’m actually happy with the direction my life is going, and I still enjoy my hobbies, even if I engage with them differently.

I’m not suffering. My life didn’t end with vision loss. It’s not ruined, broken, or worthless.

I read a fanfic that was tagged with whump, blindness, and angst with a happy ending. A general synopsis of the plot: the whumpee had gone blind due to a curse. It was true love’s kiss that broke the curse. Even from the summary I knew it was going to end with whumpee being cured somehow and that I’d leave that fanfic vaguely dissatisfied no matter how good the rest of the fanfic was.

I can say this for the fanfic: the whumpee had already accepted that they would likely be blind for the rest of their life, but everyone around them was treating it as a tragedy that needed to be fixed, working tirelessly for a cure despite the whumpee’s protests that they didn’t have to.

It actually hit home to my personal experience.

I still left it dissatisfied with the ending. I might love curse fics in that fandom, and I love the “true love’s kiss” trope, but it wasn’t enough to distract me from the fact that: an actual person out in the world thought the best happy ending, maybe the only happy ending, would be if the character got their sight back.

(note: I clicked kudos and exited out of the story's page because no fanfic writer deserves unsolicited critique or hate, especially for content I consumed for free and at my own volition.)

Why read a story I knew would disappoint me?

Because blindness representation is so damn rare that I feel like I’m wandering in a desert, dying from thirst and desperate for that oasis. But sometimes that oasis is a mirage and the author is unintentionally telling you that your life is actually awful and you’ll never be fully happy like this. And that is a shit mentality to walk through life with.

I don’t appreciate blindness being a whump plot. I hate it. Hundreds (thousands?) of fanfictions featuring blind characters are about to enter the internet and the overall message is going to be “You poor thing! You must be in so much pain, you must be miserable! Who’s going to save you? Who’s going to comfort you? Wouldn’t it be terrible if there was no one in your life to take care of you? You poor helpless thing!”

And I feel objectified. I feel trivialized. The mirage in the desert is going to become a starch, empty room filled with dozens of water bottles, almost all of them poisoned. My representation is going to hurt me personally, and it’s going to reinforce that idea strangers have about how awful my life must be.

(I returned to school this past month, and every day I’m hesitant to tell someone I’m visually impaired because I don’t want to be treated differently. If I’ve managed to pass as sighted this whole time and then suddenly reveal “oh yeah, I’m visually impaired” I feel this instant silence, this pause of awkwardness as people suddenly question how they’re supposed to treat me. They treated me like a person, and now I’m something strange and unfamiliar.)

I’ve worked so hard to improve representation for blind people, to give internet strangers the exposure to a blind person they need to normalize blindness because I hope that if they’re ever so lucky as to meet a blind person, they’ll treat that person with respect. That hope that another person in the blind community will find a friend they feel comfortable and accepted with. I hope that I’ll meet people who accept my blindness as just another aspect of me (like being bisexual or gender fluid or a writer or a cat lover).

Please don’t turn me and my community into a caricature. Don’t erase everything I’ve worked for with this blog.

To be clear, this is not just me saying "I hate the cure trope" again. This is me saying "the purpose of whump is to painfully hurt your favorite character, and I hate that your idea of pain and suffering is my daily (wonderful) life."

[nightswithkookmin]

Jimin is a pretty bOY

This is a continuation of our discussion on my last post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me, I think I agree with all of it.

Not sure how I feel about the calling eachother out bit or near scolding of others in the comments. Please let's be welcoming and respectful of others's thoughts regardless of whether or not we agree with it. It's ok to hold diverse views. We do after all come from different backgrounds and have accumulated different experiences and I think it plays out in how we see things. Everyone's opinion is valid. Plus, I purple yall.

Now, do I think he is trying to pack on muscles........? Yes. He said so himself in Festa when he said he would rush to the mirror when he thought he had gained some muscle only to find out his biceps looks like a muscled kindergartner.

He also said lately he's into exercising and staying in shape which is true because for quite sometime now since early this year he has been talking about how "weak" he is in their Vlives and have even given instances of him not being able to do certain things- certian simple and easy tasks- which is typical of him I'd say. He's always talking about how "weak" he is especially around JK and juxtaposing that with "but JK is so strong" which I'm sorry but I have to smirk at right now cos it's such a typical gay pick me simp thing to do. We've all been there.

Do I think he's trying to be a muscle bunny or revert back to his body shape around debut? Absolutely not. But I do think he is straddling the line of toxic masculinity which is what the conversation is about.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to stay in shape or even enjoying work outs. Last night I ran downstairs because I had left my stew on the stove and now this morning I called renew my gym membership because I discovered running can be actually fun to do... No. No it's not. The gym instructor would have to come for me kicking and screaming.

RM have said even though JM looks skinny and fragile he is one of the strongest within the group. Besides, this is not the first time he's expressed interest in working out and building his body- hello, on Era?

I remember people complaining he looked too buffed up in that period on SNS and PJMs quickly jumping in to clear the searches for it. The choreo for On required agility and endurance and required the members- not just JM build up some definition in their muscles.

We've seen them go through all that. So it's not simply a matter of black and white staying in shape or doing it because he feels pressured to do so. Especially, when you consider that he's undertaken some pretty unhealthy measures in the past in attempts to lose weight or soften out his body post these muscle building, weight gaining periods and we've always chalked it up to his dance and how as a contemporary dancer he has to look a certain way or this or that to try to justify and make sense of it. Next you, know there are six chapters of break the silence of him talking about all the dark places he's been, the pressures to look his best for his fans or for his job and all these other painful stories he's shared with us over the years. And it's like, but why? Why do this to yourself?

I'll never forget the look he gave JK when JK was talking about wanting to build muscles in one of the interviews for the promotion of Be- I think I made a post on it. When JK noticed JMs disapproving glare he backtracked saying he would want to stay skinny after gaining all that muscles.

I mean if I'm to be honest, he was bound to crack at one point. The signs were there being surrounded by all these men who adhere to the traditional aesthetics of a masculine body- from Namjoon to Taehyung.

I wish y'all will steer the conversation in this direction and make it more about gender norms and expressions and breaking stereotypes and diversity in the body aesthetics of men.

Jimin is a man too. He just isn't what people traditionally will label masculine. Androgynous is more an apt word in my opinion. How many times have I said, I think Jungkook hetero passes because his body aesthetics is quintessentially what most associates with a masculine man?

Breaking gender barriers is not just about embracing feminine apparels- that teeters on cross dressing quite frankly and can be a bit performative and baity. Then you have to consider their culture in itself has an inherent pro gender diversity feel to it.

Now, let me explain my problem with the Klout ad campaign a little bit.

Do you see how Tae stands out? And I'm not saying this to fuel the "Tae was their fav" debacle. It's the 007 feel... I'll explain in a bit.

Most often, alcohol advertisers as well as most advertisements intended to sell to men often try to appeal to men's internalized ideals of masculinity or try to shape and define what a man or masculinity should look like. These ideals are so often toxic and detrimental to men and mostly women too.

Take a look at these ads for example. All I had to do was google search ads for men.

Real men drink milk and look at the image they present as real men. This blatantly implies if you don't look like this, if you are not a strong cliff climbing man with abs you are not a real man.

The second image is subtle. I call it the 007 slash Kingsmen-esque ideals of masculinity. It portrays men as sexy cool badass- works out but isn't too buff, filthy rich or middle class, wears Rolex, designer clothes, is kind but has a mean exterior and is every 13 year old wattpad girls's dream of a man. In fiction, you see this kind of masculinity in characters such as Edward cullens to Christian Grey. And a lot of ads for men alternate between these two ideals of masculinity.

Do you see how they modeled Taehyung in these ads after this kind of masctheme? Tae looks the same in almost all the ads. 007 sexy cool badass.

Now, I may not be a makeup beauty guru or MUA or whatever, but one thing I've picked up on especially when it comes to makeup for men- BTS and Kpop idols mostly is that, they soften out the harsh features on their faces and make them appear more androgynous or effeminate to suit the Kpop look and they ditch it entirely in different settings.

So for instance, Tae and Kookie's natural hawkish eyebrows tend to get softened around the arch and edges- don't know how the fuck they do that- but it appears less in your face intense most times when they wear make up in kpop related contents.

However, in certain other contents that lean towards a certain gender theme those features are emphasized. Not to say hawkish features are masculine features. Just saying in men, Kpop idols, my observation is they soften those features out with makeup or surgery.

Now, take a look at JM in these ads and look at everything from his posture, make up, hairstyle and brows. It's as if someone took an eraser to his androgynousity and erased his feminine side. Take a look at his photo above and compare it to the ads.

I am not a man. But I feel the gender look they went for, intended to appeal to men, tapped into a rather outdated stereotype of what man and masculinity should look like.

What is a man?

What should a man look like?

What aesthetics of masculinity is Jimin gravitating towards now? And I'm not talking clothes, I'm talking the expression of his gender. Time and again, he's talked about how looking a certain way made him uncomfortable in the past because he was constantly fighting his feminine side. He is androgynous. Sometimes he leans more into his feminine side. Other times he leans more into his masculine side but this is the only time he's leaning into his masculinity that makes me uncomfortable to watch because like I said it bothers on toxic masculinity.

He's said whoever he was, the version fighting to look masculine, that wasn't him. So forgive me if I worry whenever i see him suppressing his feminine side and acting like 'one of the boys.' Him staying in shape is not synonymous with him erasing a valid part of himself or suppressing it. He can stay in shape, celebrate his masculinity and still be FILTER.

What I'm saying is, this not a conversation about him exercising. This is a conversation about an ad erasing his feminine side and boxing him into a narrow expression of his gender and how that might be affecting his view of himself especially in the way he's been gravitating towards a certain masculine aesthetics and how that could be toxic.

Tae has said the same thing and BTS have agreed the JM as of 2019 was the real JM according to them.They said he was that way- suppressing his feminine side, because there weren't much songs and choreos that suited him and so he had had to bend himself to fit with the others.

And so when I see him leaning a certain way I tend to wonder if his exterior environment is playing a role in that. I hope you can understand that.

He is a contemporary dancer and strength and flexibility are prerequisites for his craft. The company go out of their way to incorporate contemporary dance in their choreos for JM's sake which helps solve that problem of him trying too hard to look a certain way.

May be I'm projecting. May be my little brother is effeminate and I've always recommended Jimin as a role for him to tell him not to try to look different just because other boys look different. May be I've seen him try one too many times to kill himself in the gym trying to build on muscles and getting frustrated with himself because he ends up looking like someone else. You can't gym the queerness away. Society will never let you be who you want to be so you might as well flip it the middle finger.

These boys are being shaped by their environment. I hate to say this but the environment they are in isn't exactly progressive and the longer they stay in there cut off from the outside world...

Flying out helps. Meeting different people and being exposed to different cultures and conversations on gender expression helps.

Anywho, these are just concerns I have. Will have them till I see that's not where he is headed towards. But let's not act like these ad campaigns do not and can not psychologically impact these boys especially as these advertisers are not looking to tap into their own definition of gender and masculinity but shape it and redefine it to appeal to the demographic they intend to market to.

I think this is just a grey area for me. Rather than try to change JM to look a certain way in order to sell alcohol. I think the ground breaking thing would be to have a man who looks like JM show us how someone like him would sell a can of drink. I think that would be revolutionary.

Signed,

GOLDY

[illyaana]

Cursive Ink - Yamaguchi Tadashi

Collab: Pain Tolerance by @haikyutiehoe

Thanks for making this collab, hun! the idea of pierced and/or tatted anime characters got me squealing~! Do check out the other works involved in the collab in the link up there~

Tags: Yamaguchi's POV, Angst, Fluff, Yamaguchi x Tattoo Artist! Reader, Binaural

Synopsis: Love never really goes the way we plan it to be - and Yamaguchi was no exception. His failed confession to his former best friend left him heartbroken. However, his decision to go to a tattoo parlour may have been the best (and craziest) choice he's ever made in his life. (I also believe Yamaguchi is pansexual, so don't get so confused XD)

Word Count: 2552

A bit of context: In Japanese, 'Yama' means mountain, 'Tsuki' means the Moon

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Want to get a personalized drabble about your love life with an anime character you like? Check out my 50 followers event's post here! You can choose any character from BNHA, Haikyu!!, AOT, JJK and Kuroko no Basketball <3

“Yamaguchi, no,” Tsukishima said, pulling his hand away from my hand.

“Why are you lying to yourself? I know you feel the same way, Tsuki - don’t lie to yourself.”

“I don’t, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said, eyes turning cold, “I am not gay - I am a straight, heterosexual male. I love women and women only.”

Lies.

You are lying to me.

You are in love with me.

You are already mine, Tsuki - just wake up and see it.

I know you can.

what was that kiss under the tree when we were kids?” I whispered, not wanting my voice to break, “If you never loved me, why kiss me, Tsuki?”

“We both agreed that it was a mistake, didn’t we?” The blonde male said, anger rising, “We both agreed - not just me.”

I said yes - I know I did.

That doesn’t mean I meant it.

You know me, Tsuki - I’ll agree to everything you’ll say.

Why aren’t you realising it?

I’ve waited for so many years for you to ask me out, but you never did.

I’m here, right in front of you, asking you to be mine - just say yes.

I don’t want to wait anymore - it’s too painful.

“I lied, okay?!” I scream, “I loved you ever since we were kids, Tsuki. I want to be the one you come back to when you leave, the only one you kiss, the only one you hug, the only one you dream about - I want to be that to you. Is that so hard to believe?!”

I hugged myself, not wanting to break down anymore.

That small hug was the only thing stopping me from letting all hell break loose.

I had kept this in ever since I knew Tsuki - ever since he saw him in that park.

I knew everything about the tall male. The way he smiles, the way he hides his anger when he wants to be respectful, his secret love for dinosaurs, his soft side, his small quirks - I knew it all like the back of his hand.

I knew what he needed to be the middle blocker’s lover, and I was willing to sacrifice myself to be the best thing for Tsuki.

One thing was clear in my head; Tsuki felt the exact same way.

“Yamaguchi, I’m sorry. I don’t love you the way you want me to,” Tsukishima said, kneeling beside the green-haired male.

“I don’t believe that.”

I forced his lips on Tsukishima’s.

I closed my eyes, trying to memorise how the lines of his soft and pale lips felt on his - how it softly caressed my lips without even responding to the intimate kiss I was trying to initiate.

I felt Tsukishima trying to push me away, but I didn’t let go of the male’s collar.

He already took my first kiss - what is the difference if I took another?

The second our lips left each other’s, Tsukishima punched my nose.

Blood dripped from my nose, but I couldn’t care less.

“Don’t you fucking call me Tsuki ever again, dumbass. Better yet, don’t call me.”

My last day of high school ended with blood and tears, but the pain in my heart from losing my best friend hurt more.

⁜

⁜

⁜

I stared at the stars, lying down in the little treehouse we made as kids in my backyard.

I tried to cry it all out, but I couldn’t.

I feel cheated by you, Tsukishima Kei.

You made me make you my everything.

My voice was tuned to calm you down.

My hands we moulded to keep you warm.

My life was made to keep you safe, but you don’t need me to be you.

But I do - I need you to be me.

One-sided crushes are the worst form of love, aren’t they?

You give it all for that one person - to please and cherish them.

They just think it’s just a form of showing how strong your friendship is, but you want more.

You are the only one who wants more.

You are the one crying at night about how you wished they were by your side.

You are the one craving for their touch.

You want them, but they don’t want you.

I don’t care about you bruising my face, Tsukishima-san.

I care about you fucking me up like this.

I will no longer wait for your messages.

I will no longer look at your tweets and be the only one giving reactions.

I will erase you from my narrative, Tsukishima-san.

You can wonder about how much you’ve hurt me when I have reached somewhere you can’t even touch me.

⁜

⁜

⁜

“You are absolutely sure about this, right?” Hinata said, worry laced in his words.

I open the doors to the tattoo parlour and I was instantly mesmerized. The walls were filled with such intricate designs - sizes ranging from as small as a finger to as big as my whole body. The smell of fresh ink slowly hit me, reminding me of my schooling years.

“I am sure, Hinata. I was planning to do this ever since I was small, either way. I just wished it was under better circumstances,” I reply, eyes locked on all the flower motifs.

I always wanted a tattoo - it didn’t matter how big or small it was. I always thought of how beautiful the idea was - to have something permanently inked on your skin to remind you of who you were. Flowers drew with such hidden meaning, curved lines speaking words of poetry, ideas brought into life - tattoos are an artist’s masterpiece meant to paint on my skin as a canvas.

“Do you want me to stay? I don’t mind waiting here with you - “

“Weren’t you supposed to meet up with Kageyama later today?” I remind him, chuckling.

“That man is late for everything. I think he can handle me coming late for once.”

“I’m seriously okay, Hinata! Go get ready, I’ll send a picture when it’s done,” I say as I push him out of the shop.

“Okay, okay - make sure to send me that picture!” He said as he ran out of the shop.

Why follow me if you’re itching to leave?

“That friend of yours has really bright orange hair - is it dyed or natural?” I hear someone say.

Holy shit, you’re hot.

“Oh - uh- um- It’s natural,” I say, forming some space between us.

Holy shit, you’re hot.

You tied half of your hair in a small bun, showing me the small, intricate designs on your neck. Flowers decorated your soft skin, moving down under your shirt’s sleeve. Small golden piercings decorated your ears. They were encrusted with gems of various colours that shifted under the soft lighting gracing your skin.

You looked so beautiful I couldn’t stop staring.

“So, do you have an appointment?” You asked, breaking my train of thought.

“N- no.”

Stop stuttering, Yamaguchi Tadashi.

“First time, huh?” you smiled, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. The pain is different for everyone, but I think you can handle it.”

“T-Thanks.”

God, stop stuttering.

“God, you’re cute,” you laughed while looking at my frazzled face, “Don’t worry, my dearest client - you’re in capable hands. Come - let’s discuss your design, shall we?”

You grabbed my wrist and brought me to your corner, leaving me blushed mess.

Cute.

They called me cute.

I’m breathing, right?

Okay, I’m breathing.

As we were walking, I got to see the back of your neck - more specifically, a part of your tattoo.

It was a blossoming rose - a huge one. It had vines that grew from it, encircling your whole neck, moving down your shirt and reaching the tips of your fingers. Smaller roses grew from it, branching even smaller vines surrounded by leaves.

I wanted to know the story behind that tattoo. It looked so beautiful yet so dark. The thorns that came from certain vines alarmed me, but I kept my thoughts to myself. My attention was brought to your piercings - more specifically, the design of the encrusted jewels. They were flowers, as well. In the middle of each jewel held a line of gold that branched out, just like the vines of your tattoo.

“Oh, you’re looking at my tattoo and piercings, aren’t you?” You ask, eyebrow raised.

“Is it okay if I am?” I ask, worried.

You laughed.

“Of course it’s fine. Who would get a tattoo and not prepare for all the staring? Not going to lie, here - these piercings and that tattoo help me fuel my ego. After all, everyone’s staring at them,” you joke, playing with your hair.

You sit on your chair, pointing at the one opposite you.

“What are you waiting for? Sit.”

⁜

⁜

⁜

“So, you want some small vines surrounding a moon, right?” You ask as you brought out your tablet.

“Yeah, on my middle finger.”

I had enough of his little orders - I’ll twist his words into something much more meaningful. If the Moon isn’t willing to dance with the mountains, let the vines make the Moon feel the mountain’s pain from its rejection.

“That sounds really pretty,” you say, smiling at me, “Give me a minute - I’ll do a rough sketch and you can tell me if it’s to your liking.”

You took out the tablet’s pen tool and began to sketch. I eyed your eyes as you continued to sketch what would be my tattoo.

Thanks to the light from the tablet, I could see a part of another tattoo hidden under your shirt.

It was multiple birds flying across your collarbones, but there was one bird that moved to your neck. It was a smaller bird - much, much smaller. However, its wings were bigger - bigger than the other birds’.

“My family isn’t very appreciative of my more artistic side,” you began, knowing I wanted to know the story behind it.

“I love art - all types of art. Writing, drawing, painting - I loved how you could make a whole new world just with a few lines. My family…” you paused, “As much as they loved me, they couldn’t see a world where I could make a living from it. They tried to throw away this side of me, but the more they pushed it away, the more I needed it.”

You raised your tablet, showing me your sketch.

I loved it.

It was a crescent moon, wrapped in vines. Vines grew both upwards and below, accompanied by stars. Small buds were growing from the ends of the vines, leaves surrounding them.

I don’t know how you did it, but you captured all I felt about him in a few minutes - it astounded me.

“I took a few creative liberties, but-”

“It’s amazing - don’t change it.”

You’re amazing.

You smiled, getting off your chair.

“Head to that room,” you pointed to the smaller room right beside us, “I’ll get all the tools ready.”

⁜

⁜

⁜

“You ready?” you said, placing the pen right above my middle finger.

Why did I choose my middle finger for my first tattoo? It’s literally right on a bone, it’s going to hurt like hell.

“I guess…” I whisper.

“It won’t be that painful - trust me. People overexaggerate,” you say, trying to calm me down.

People weren’t overexaggerating - it hurt.

It hurt a lot.

I bit my lip, holding back the scream on the end of my lips.

“Hold on,” you said, removing the pen.

You soon came back with candy and began to unwrap it.

“Open your mouth, my liege.”

After chuckling, I opened my mouth and you plopped the sweet in my mouth.

Ooh, mango.

“Focus on the sweet, okay?” You said, patting my back.

It felt less painful, surprisingly. Focusing on the sweet rolling in my mouth helped reduce the pain significantly.

I raised my head slightly so that I could see your intense focus on my finger. You were biting on your lower lip as you slowly moved the pen on my finger, following the temporary tattoo you made earlier as a guide. You were annoyed by a strand of your hair that refused to stay behind on your ear - your anger-filled expression said it all.

Using my other hand, I pushed it behind your ear to help you focus.

A soft thank you came from you as you continued.

Blood rushed to my cheeks the minute those words left your lips.

So cute.

“You didn’t finish your story…” I asked, trying to end the awkward silence.

“It was that interesting to you?” you smiled.

You’re interesting, Y/N.

I nod.

“I asked them if I could draw again. I didn’t want to lose that skill I finetuned all my life - it felt so wrong. They thought I’d never succeed in life if I focused on ‘these useless hobbies’ and shouted at me. I remember crying for hours, but they didn’t care,” you say as you turn off the pen, wiping the tip.

“I began to spend more hours in school just so that I could scribble and draw. They’d never know what I did there - all the drawings I did, all the stories I wrote, all the songs I sang. I am not like my parents. I strayed from the thought of ‘art is useless’- I am the bird moving away from the flock,” you said, turning your chair towards me.

“Why did they hate art? It’s something that makes you happy - If it’s something you like, you should do it,” I said, slightly pissed.

Thank God they didn’t listen to them.

“Best part - they have paintings all over the house,” you snickered.

You sighed, stretching your arms in the process.

“I don’t really care about their opinion about it, anyway. I’m no longer under their wing - I’m my own person. I get money by doing the thing I love, and that’s so fulfilling. The only thing they’re paying for right now is my college education - that’s it,” you said as you pressed a wet cloth to my new tattoo.

“Wait - we’re the same age?”

“Yeah, we are,” you smiled.

“I expected you to be way older,” I say, embarrassed.

“I am utterly offended, sir,” you say, feigning sadness.

“Come on!” I say, laughing.

“I am expecting a tip,” you say, walking towards the door.

You’re amazing, Y/N. I just wish I met you earlier…

⁜

⁜

⁜

“Well, it was nice meeting you, Yamaguchi Tadashi,” you say, closing the cash register in front of you.

“And I you, my friend.”

I walk to the door, gripping on the door handle.

I want you in my life, Y/N. Even if we spent just a few hours together, you’ve made me so happy. If you are open to the idea, I want to be friends with you - and who knows? We might become something…

I walk back to the cashier.

“Oh, did I forget something?” You ask, worried.

“No, no…”

Come on, say it.

“Hey, wanna exchange numbers? I wanna hang out with you - of course, only if you want to,” you say smiling.

Holy shit.

“Yes, please.”

You held back your laugh the minute you saw my face.

How many times have I made you laugh just by you looking at my face?

“Here’s my number,” you passed me your card, “Message me so that I get your number, too!”

“Okay!” I smile.

Holy shit. I did it.

“See you again, ‘guchi.”

⁜

⁜

⁜

[transmascissues]

a lot of gender studies professors do have a blind spot when it comes to trans men, but mostly from what i’ve found, they love it when people point out that they’re less knowledgeable about us because that just means they get to learn something new, something they haven’t considered before. getting over that initial hurdle definitely can suck, but it’s really satisfying to have people be eager to get into the weeds and become educated. being kind and being open about your experiences, and pointing out where you might fall short and how you all can do better is something any good educator will do—gender studies especially. wishing you the best of luck and that your classes will be a fruitful endeavor. 🍎💕

i 100% get what you're saying, and i'm really glad you've had good experiences with this stuff! (/gen)

that said, i do want to sort of use this as a jumping-off point to talk about how some people who come into conversations about erased communities with an "excited to be educated" attitude aren't always doing it in good faith

because, in my experience, that "excited to be educated" attitude (from professors or anyone else) can be a great thing, or it can be indicative of a few not-so-great things, like...

them expecting the person who brought it up to educate them instead of looking into it themselves

them viewing us more as an interesting subject than as actual people experiencing actual oppression that they've been complicit in

them planning on using their excitement to deflect any criticism because they think their ignorance couldn't be transphobic as long as they want to learn now

would any of those be the worst thing in the world? no, i'd rather have all that than someone who refuses to learn at all, but they do reveal a level of privilege and distance from the issue that could (and should) be better kept in check, especially by someone in a professional position like a professor

and maybe this sounds harsh, but i honestly would hope that, if i were to come to a professor and do the work of telling them that they've excluded me and my community from their curriculum, their first response wouldn't be super positive and excited - when you find out you've been complicit in the erasure of a marginalized group, especially while in a position of power, that just feels like a weird initial reaction to have

i would expect remorse, a level of frustration with themselves, a serious expression of desire to do better (without all the embellishments of an upbeat excited attitude to soften it) - because i feel like you shouldn't really get to have fun with learning about a topic like that until you've felt the weight of the ignorance you've had until that point

once i've seen that initial acknowledgement of the seriousness of the issue, THEN i think really positive excited reactions to learning more are fantastic - i just think, when that's the first (and often only) response, it feels a bit performative or insincere

and i do want to clarify, this isn't an attack on you at all, i'm not saying you shouldn't be happy with the experiences you've had with your professors because if they were positive and satisfying for you that's what matters! i just wanted to discuss this because i do think it needs to be discussed more, even if not everyone feels the same way about it that i do, so don't let this dictate how you feel about those experiences - i know i'm a bit more "old man yells at cloud" than a lot of people, and i certainly won't be changing any time soon, but i fully support everyone who prefers to stick to the bright side when it comes to stuff like this

[kreidewaltz]

top of the castle | t.k.

pairing. tsukishima kei x f!reader

about. your only goal is to be on top of everything. every change he gets, he pushes your buttons and does things that stirs something inside you. it's totally not your heart beating wild in your chest.

word count. 6.3k (this is my baby)

genre & warnings. fluff. angst. swearing. sky castle and highschool au. lots of swearing. happy ending. parents are kind of a jerk. subtle pining. enemies to lovers. bestfriend!kuroo. film major!tsukishima and y/n.

author's note. ik i posted this super late but here it is!! this is part of the promptly yours collab by issy :D ty for being understanding kisses you !? this is my first time writing an e2l go easy on me pls :( quick overview: sky castle is a neighborhood for the rich, and they do everything to be ahead of the other families! big thank you to @rintsuru for beta-ing this mwah i'll edit some stuff here tomo :') reblogs & feedbacks are appreciated ty <3

part of the promptly yours collab ✪

“during the dinner, entertain the guests, and kaa-san will be proud of you.” your mom says whilst brushing your hair multiple times. she sends you a threatening smile in the mirror which forms annoyance in your mind, yet a fake smile ghosts your lips. you clench your fist on your pockets, fingernails digging hard into your palms. last night she came to your door, unannounced, and mentioned that she’ll be having a private party after sending your applications to SNU Medical School.

“time to relax after working hard, a reward too for the parents.” you recall her saying, while running her fingers on your head before she shuts the door. the excitement evident in her movements when you hear the repetitive clicks of her heels. you play with the hem of your pajamas as you mimic your mother’s voice in distress, huffing after while you cross your arms on your chest. if she sees you roll your eyes or heave a disappointing sigh, expect a lecture about manners that'll go on for a few minutes.

when you entered middle school, she started to be strict and always repeated that you’re “only going to be successful when you’re on the top of the castle”. the metaphor she often forces in your mind—enjoying your success and growing money. watching other people force their way to the entrance, but this is where her persona morphs into something sickly sweet. she uses her shit ton of money to compromise, and those people leave as if they never disturbed your castle. in her eyes, you’re the embodiment of an independent, hardworking, and stepping on others kind of student which is something you want to erase.

“sit straight, act interested, act modest—”

“bring down the rivals, except kuroo.” you cut your mother off while a subtle smirk appears on your face, running your makeup brush on your powder blush before putting it to your cheeks. she stops for a moment, the silence makes your palms sweat on your school blazer, but relief washes over you when she murmurs okay, good. the moment is interrupted when your dad screams on the other side, assuming that he’s finding her and checking the table set-up for approval. she gives your shoulder a harsh squeeze before leaving you alone in your room, looking at yourself in the mirror.

“bring down tsukishima.” raising your brows, you try to keep yourself sane because people saying his name irks you. his stupid voice and looks down on you just because of the height difference. he looks down on you when he’s done harm to you years ago, and to the Hara family. when the school year started, you had no clue that he attended Yongsan School for Seoul. his presence immediately annoys you to your bones and when he talks, you have the urge to tape his mouth and watch him struggle and enjoy that he’s suffering. when he enters the room, you almost stand up from your seat and protest but you keep your lips shut. attempting to bottle your resentment and continue with the basic introductions and orientations for the school year.

what he did in middle school is the main factor why you resent him.

-

“your highness!” he yells as soon as you enter the classroom, sending tsukishima a sarcastic smile before you sit comfortably. you try your best to not be grumpy at eight in the morning. good thing that the teacher isn’t here, or you’re in for another lecture about that you should get along and be humble with your classmates.

lame lame lame.

“yeah, i’m a princess hm!” you point a finger at him while you put on a grumpy expression before putting your hands on your waist. huffing a few seconds later, you look through your bag and prepare your cute notebook and pencil. you begin to check the schedule for the day on the first page before reviewing the past few lessons, skimming it with attention that you mentally practice yourself, and clench both of your fists in excitement when you got the right answer. you cross your legs while checking your notes, eager to start the day because you're feeling productive, and seeing the stamps of stars on the first page makes you ecstatic.

-

“hara y/n, did you hit tsukishima?” your teacher’s voice is stern which scares you, but what frightens you is your mother hearing about the issue. you fiddle with your fingers as you rub your eyes, desperately trying to hold the tears threatening to fall. you and tsukishima are left alone in the classroom, with the teacher sitting across from you. the beautiful sunset view from the window is giving you temporary solace, releasing a sigh before answering.

“no, sensei! he- he hit me!” your voice unintentionally going higher, not realizing that you’re getting defensive. you stand from your chair and stare at him, fuming with anger when you see the smirk forming on his face. the teacher sighs in disappointment since he knows you’re one of the top students this year. your attendance streak is all green, never missing a day. what they don’tknow is how your mother forces you to always go to school no matter what happens, that school is the only path to success.

i hate tsukishima, hmph.

“she did, sensei. you saw her holding the book.” your patience is on thin ice because he has the audacity to lie in front of the teacher when he knows he did it. he slaps the book against the back of your desk and you feel the impact on your shoulders, resulting in a high pitched scream and break the momentum of your classmates writing and your teacher narrowed his eyes at you, shaking his head in displeasure before writing on the blackboard. then you hastily grab the book he's holding and about to throw it on his desk but gasps echo on the room. from their perspective, you're about to hit tsukishima with his book while he's looking across, focused on the discussion that's interrupted.

"you hit me with the book!" frustration slowly seeping out while you bounce on your desk angrily. your pigtails get tangled which fuels your irritation. life likes bad boys, you thought while mocking him by copying his expressions, forgetting for a moment that your teacher is watching you make faces on your own. tsukishima waves his hand, fisting his other hand to put it in the pocket of his purple jacket. the loud bell rings and ends the discussion, and you sulk on your seat while he prepares his things. your teacher walks out of the classroom to call your mom, you assume, because of the way he takes a glimpse at you while holding his phone to his ear.

i don't want to go home.

-

“i didn’t do it!” you keep repeating the same sentence as you set a foot in the house. your small hands clutch the strap of your backpack tight, agitated on what she’ll have to say on what happened. your teacher called your mom and had a quick discussion while you bowed to your mom before going home. the awkward silence caused you to grab your backpack and stand behind her, looking down on your shoes to distract yourself. when the both of you entered the car, she didn’t spare you a glance, even on the rearview mirror. the good thing is your favorite song is playing which soothes your worries temporarily. but the car ride was mentally exhausting and your nervousness kept boiling in your chest.

-

"the one time life is well! and you had to do that." sitting on the edge of your bed, disappointment and frustration join forces in your head while you clench your fist tight. tears trail down your cheeks freely and you have to grip your shorts so you wouldn't explode. hearing her sigh loudly makes you look at your hands to distract yourself from thinking while you sniffle quietly to yourself because your mom tells you to mask your true feelings with other people.

"i'm your princess! i didn't do it!" bouncing on your bed to defend yourself while she doesn’t say anything. she goes to your study table and grabs some of your books and pens. you looked at her in distress, tears forming in your eyes, since your mom's punishments are something you avoid if you have the chance.

-

“ah long time no see! come in!” your mom cheerfully greets when you see the Oikawa family entering the house, bowing down in respect with a sickly sweet smile plastered on your face. he acts like a prince charming when he bows, trying to charm your mother. she acts as if she’s swooned by his alluring smile before she rushes the family to enter the extravagant room, eyeing oikawa while he fixes the buttons of his school blazer. you and oikawa had a while you’re flipping the pendant of your necklace, the loud banter on the stairs a few meters away gets your attention.

“oh! kuroo looks dashing as usual!” she clasps her hands together, the gold rings on her fingers clashing and creating light noises which only you could hear. after they pick up on your mother’s voice, kuroo abruptly stops arguing and casually puts his right hand in his pocket. his mother gives you a soft wave and pecks your mother on the cheeks. you’re not in europe. the thought comes to mind while they chit chat. his father comes to the dining table, leaving you with kuroo for a few minutes. you extend your other leg in the front, putting your hands on your waist, and when you catch his monotone gaze. kuroo looks to the side while the tip of his ears slowly become red.

“ah! i’m glad our parents are okay.” you whisper in front of him while you pat your cheeks and put on your serious expression because your mother always tells you to act elegant when there are guests. a sympathetic smile appears on his lips, knowing why you changed your face in seconds—because you have a reputation to hold.

“mhm, okay talk to you later.” he says before lightly bumping your shoulder with his fist which you return with the same force while a smile dances on your balmed lips. the both of you don’t notice his mom’s gaze softening because of your brief chat.

“yuuji! you should’ve brought your vest!” your mom giggles when she hears the voice of the Terushima family. her covers her mouth with her hand (also her way of showing off her accessories). his mom’s voice is pretty loud so you hear her clearly when they’re on the stairs. a childish whine leaves his lips while his almond eyes begin twinkling in excitement seeing the grand decoration on the entrance. “oh hi y/n! pardon me, and yuuji.” his mom is always enthusiastic and humble.

you raise a brow when you notice the piercing on terushima’s ears. “you pierced?” you point a finger at his ear before the smirk on his face grows, knowing that you’re not allowed to get pierced or tattooed under your parent’s household.

“yeah, you want one?” he leans in with a teasing smirk on his face and slowly licks his bottom lip, and you get a glimpse of his tongue piercing. a tsk leaves your lips before you push him away with your clenched hands. your mom intrudes in your conversation and pulls you to her chest. your mom’s thoughts about you not listening to her and actually getting piercings are running like a hamster on a wheel. his mom covers her face with the palm of her hand, thinking that she won’t get used to terushima bragging about his piercings and possibly influencing his friends to get one. your mom giggles about him and repeatedly pats his back, escorting the Terushimas to their seats at the table—a long and wide one she bought for this day, and a few hours later, the cleaners will struggle to put the furniture back on the basement.

“ah n/n! wait for tsukishima, alright?”

your mom waves her fingers with a smile plastered on her face, leaving the entrance in your hands. going rebel sounds intriguing but you decided to go against it. you intertwine your fingers together and put them behind your back, walking around back and forth along with an occasional twirl because the black skirt whirling is satisfying for your eyes. annoyance bubbles in your chest when she mentions his name, and the fact you’ll escort them all the way to their seats at the table. relief courses through you when she picks their seats further away from your vision.

good, i can’t stand his golden eyes at—

-

“dear y/n, always elegant like her mother!” your dad mentions while the food is being served. the maids delicately hold the plates even though the appetizer only consists of green leaves, a drizzle of oil and other vegetables mixed in. a confident smile comes to your face while the boys giggle along with their parents, knowing that they nudge their waist to go with the flow and attempt to be your parents’ right hand and be their disciple. kuroo kicks your feet under the table while a subtle smirk on his face, and before you could misunderstand his intentions, he eyes the other parents then quickly rolls his eyes after. the clanking of the plates and forks begin to ring your ears and you immediately connect the clues on what he likes to say.

look at them, trying to get on your parents’ side.

you lightly slap his knee with your foot to get his attention, and you successfully do so while not realizing that about to take a bite of the vegetables. while kuroo thinks about embarrassing himself, again, despite that your parents and the other boys are lost in their own conversations, you take a big bite of everything that’s on the plate, not noticing your mom’s stern gaze on your figure. when he’s finished fixing his hair, he raises his brow while you cross your arms over your chest, nodding in defeat while rubbing your forehead, mimicking those disappointed adults you’ve seen in dramas. he covers his mouth while his eyes crinkle, controlling the laugh he desperately wants to let out. you massage your shoulder for a moment because it’s getting uncomfortable but you have to keep your act—act like you have your shit together in front of the guests.

“oh! oikawa-kun, how’s the japanese lit for you?” initiating a conversation between your rivals while the parents reacted quietly to themselves, as if they’re going to witness harsh exchange with words until emotions overtake your head. this is the sky castle, you think while straightening your posture, satisfied when you get a glimpse of him jolting on his seat before putting on his charming facade and entertaining your question.

“easy peasy! bet i’ll get a perfect score.” he runs his hand through his hair, fixing his school blazer and acts mighty with the other people around.

terushima begins to tease him by making faces to push oikawa’s buttons, and you tap your mouth with the tissue before dropping the bomb and witness his face morph to dread. “you know that i check the papers too, right? you’ve got three mistakes already.” bring down people so you can walk forward, you think while oikawa’s eyes are large like the globes you use for geography class. you loosely intertwine your fingers as you press your cheek on your palm. your mom peeks at you, amused, at your actions that she fights the urge because a smile is threatening its way on her deadpanned face since the beginning of the dinner. the other parents whisper to themselves, especially Oikawa’s parents who look at you with distaste occasionally when they talk. the maids are astonished with your attitude since you're a sweetheart, in the time where your mom is out and does her daily shopping to further decorate the house.

as the dinner continues, you're mentally patting yourself on the back for doing a great job to keep your castle undisturbed. you didn't notice the blonde fighting the urge to smirk to himself because it's the first time he witnessed you being brazen. he takes a big sip of the water, stretching his hands and resting it on his back as he catches your eyes which widens his smirk. resulting to strengthen your rage—and the fact that you're enjoying how attractive he looks.

ugh, let's get this over with.

-

“what? never expected me to be on top?” a condescending tone laces your voice as you cross your legs, the exhaustion you carried throughout the dinner is dissipating when you rest your back on the chair. feeling a certain pair of golden eyes piercing your soul, you intentionally ignore the sweating of your palms and curl your toes inside your shoes because you keep moving as long as you feel his eyes focused on you. the sassy persona you’ve worked hard lasting long is crumbling, as if tsukishima is taking his time to disassemble the pieces.

“finally we’re away.” terushima whispers to no one before running his fingers on his hair. all of your parents settled on the tea room as your mom calls it to chit chat and relax for a few hours and you know she'll subtly brag about your achievements in school and the furniture around the house that are only available to the rich she quotes.

"away from our parents who force their dreams to us? hell yeah." oikawa added before stretching his neck, the table erupting into laughter because what he said is the truth.

"hey! too mean." narrowing your eyes at him and seconds later you realized how contradicting you are. you scold the brown haired for being mean (when he only said the truth) yet you call oikawa earlier on the dinner for having three mistakes on the test of film studies. the silence stopped you from saying something further so you sit back, looking at the lights and decorations hanging on the wall so you won't embarrass yourself further.

we're even i guess, oikawa whispers under his breath before looking at you, his smile not reaching his eyes. you slap your cheeks while you're looking hard at oikawa, not noticing how the blonde plays with his fingers before looking at you, his eyes glimmering of mischief. since tsukishima knows what pushes your buttons and he always uses it to his advantage.

"stop the good girl act. you feel that way too, idiot." he cleans his glasses with his vest while his eyes narrow and look at you. as you look up and stare at him, you’re perplexed seeing him without his glasses and get amazed on how golden his eyes are. while your arms are flat on the table, his words earlier came back crashing on your head. good girl.

“good girl act, huh? why? you want me to be a bad.. bad girl tsukishima-kun?” you retort back quickly, and you’re pleased with your counterattack since hearing low whistles and gasps beside you fueled your ego. you raise your brow with a mocking smile on your lips to taunt tsukishima even more, intentionally ignoring the repetitive beating of your heart. you felt kuroo kicking your ankle under the table but you dodge his kick since you didn’t want to be bombarded by his remarks because you know he’ll never let you forget about this moment.

“and what if i do, princess?” he raises his brow in return, resting his chin on his palm while cocking his head to the side, amused with your response but he wouldn’t let you know that. you’re obviously dumbfounded, hating the way he uses that nickname casually in a conversation. the uneasiness you’re feeling doesn't go away when you feel eyes on you, eagerly waiting on what you’ll have to say. you clear your throat and you’re about to say something when-

“okay! y/n you got ice cream?” terushima jumped in the conversation before the tension rose on the table. at first you’re bummed when he cuts you off suddenly but you’re glad because you’re not going to talk to tsukishima after this. nope, you keep repeating to yourself. you nodded and led the way to the kitchen, slapping your cheeks lightly with your fingers to snap out of it.

-

“y/n, suck it up and do the first move.” kuroo murmurs louder to mortify you before taking a bite of the ice cream from the glass, his smug expression makes you want to punch him right there. you playfully kick his chair while you mindlessly mix the spoon on the glass, the ice cream melting as time ticks by.

“what- i’m not- you jerk!" their eyes fall on you since your voice tends to get loud when you defend yourself, and you forget about that while kuroo annoys you on purpose. you grumble shut up under your breath, cupping your cheeks while a frown takes over your face. you angrily grab the scooper to get more desert, also denying the thoughts running in your mind and shake your head in the process while whispering no, that can't happen!

"you're screwed, my friend." kuroo waves his spoon in front of you and you grit your teeth in annoyance while a frown takes over your face. a part of you wants to give in and admit you’re feeling something for him but you’ll stick on what you’re good at-denying. you pout in defeat and sulk in your seat, your eyes falling on tsukishima sitting in the corner. he’s in his own world, taking a bite of the ice cream and repeatedly tapping his foot on the floor. you assume it’s because of the music he’s listening to because of his tangled earphones put on. when he caught your gaze you turned away a little late meaning he saw you. shame clouded your head and desperately try to distract yourself from him, and look at oikawa acting high and mighty, anything, so you won’t spiral back to your thoughts full of tsukishima.

“the hell!? no i’m fin-” he waves his hands and doesn't listen to your stalling, since he knows you’re doing that to convince yourself and not him. you scowl at him and cross your arms together, chanting to pull it together since you get aggressive when someone’s caught you so you cross your arms together and clench your fists. (you thought you’ll have wrinkles earlier than others because of how much you’re frowning).

“i saw what happened, don’t even.” he cocks his head to tsukishima’s direction with a grin on his face and he knew he conquered victory between the banter. you sent him a sarcastic smile before checking the others chat to themselves and hear the faint laughter of the adults in the other room. your mind starts to imagine what it's’ like to talk to your crush.

no didn’t say that!

“this is fun.” he added, which deepened your scowl and you clearly heard the teasing tone laced on his voice. you roll your eyes playfully while he ruffles your hair, and you’re bummed because you know he is right. don’t pull the bad girl card, he murmurs and twirls the ends of your hair. your thoughts halted when you heard the two words that brought you back to the situation earlier. you hold your breath while stretching your arms straight on the counter, hurriedly thinking of a witty response.

“hey! he looked good…” you closed your eyes quickly then you got a glimpse of tsukishima smirking and the way the nickname, princess, rolled off his tongue is making the tip of your ears faint red and sensitive. where’s the y/n that hates tsukki with all her guts? kuroo whispers and laughs hysterically after which caught the attention of the others. you know he’s teasing you for fun since you two often have light hearted banters. the urge to punch him in the face crosses your mind because there are times he knows and you know he’s right, it’s on you not wanting to admit it. his hand ruffles your hair once again before smoothly interrupting oikawa’s bragging, while your thoughts go on an overdrive in your head.

-

"miss pres! wait for me!" you stopped in your tracks and waited on the right side when you heard akari jogging to you. a dejected pout appears on her lips. she hangs onto your arm and grips it tight, catching her breath because you didn't wait for her outside after the film classes ended.

purposely digging her nails as her payback, because you didn't wait for her outside after the film class ended.

"damn, it's hard being the best friend of the student council president." she says with a defeated tone while fixing her skirt. your face scrunched up in response before walking together on the hallways. akari begins her rambling about the upcoming output your professor mentioned. you tightened your hold on the folders, frightened that the stack of folders will slip out of your hold since fate can be cruel, you muse while pushing the folders close to your chest.

"i can carry folders too, you know." her laughter echoed in the hallway when she saw your reaction! furrowed brows, a pout on your lips before you hesitantly gave half of the folders in her waiting hands. before you could explain what the folders are, you hear her gasp when she sees the title, in bold letters—CLASS 3 FILM STUDIES TEST RESULTS. she overheard you and the professor and learned that you're also checking the papers because professors trust you that much. akari likes seeing you lose your cool in public so she lifts the side of the folder. though it gets exhausting, you endure akari and her antics since despite her teasing she knows her boundaries. she's a good friend because holding the titles student council president, and top student scares away potential friends you could have. students gossiping about your family and status doesn't make things easier. so when she approached you in the library and blunty said you're taking her seat, you're grateful despite interrupting your study session.

it's safe to say that you didn't give each other good first impressions.

"miss pres, faculty room right?" akari's voice breaks your train of thought and wonders how you didn't hit anyone along the way since you take a few turns before seeing the faculty room.

"mhm."

-

“kari! let’s go back! i can convince sensei.” you whine quietly and stomp on your feet, you’re definitely ignoring your heart about to jump out of your chest when you see a glimpse of a blonde in front of the faculty room. after the party you held a few days ago, you didn’t pay attention to him and avoided him at all costs because you’re trying to figure out if feeling something to your rival is a big deal or not. you tighten your hold on the papers, a pout coming to your lips while akari is amused on what’s happening right now. she’s clearly not expecting you to go to the other way and avoid confrontation with the blonde.

“he’s there! i can’t face him!” you added and jutted your lips into a pout. in your head, you could roast him with other people because you have a perfect reputation to keep. she sighs for a moment while you stand there, she transfers all the folders in her other hand before smacking you in your arm. a shriek leaves your lips, not expecting your friend to hit you in the hallway. you knew you lose the disagreement when you see her as if she’s saying really? i’m done with you through her face. she puts a hand on her waist while she steps on the floor. a habit of hers that you noticed through time. you fix your hair that’s blocking your sight before nodding your head.

“fine… whatever.” you narrow your eyes and point a finger on her direction, acting like you’re threatening her but it didn’t have an effect at her. both of you silently walk towards the faculty room and finally see tsukishima in all his glory. he’s slightly slouching in front of the door because of his height. you quickly look at the other classrooms, acting as if you never saw him and ignore your heart beating at a quick pace. you’re in front of the room, just behind him and realize how tall he is. he looks back and catches your gaze before he smirks and waves at the professor inside. (they are clearly victims of the good boy facade he puts, you think). akari whistles to herself before going inside and gives the folders to your professor while you follow behind.

“ah thank you y/n! and akari. you can have your lunch now.” you bow quickly and smile before you shut the door gently. you fix your blazer and pat your skirt before going to the cafeteria with akari. on the way she keeps teasing you about how you daydream of tsukishima when you’re in class. she keeps mentioning his smirk when you’re eating and you almost choked on the food, since yes, maybe his smirk is attractive you think, maybe, you repeated.

-

“how’s life with rich people?” she whispers since she accompanied you to the library because you’re planning your scenes already and what emotions you’ll pick for the montage output. you stopped writing and closed your notebook, and rolled your eyes playfully because you know what she really wants to ask.

“i know you’re asking about oikawa, so go.” you say while crossing your arms on the wooden table, and stretch your back after writing for twenty minutes. on the time you’re working, she’s humming random songs and twirls her pen on the papers she brought, scribbling lines and occasionally add doodles on the paper.

“tsk, at least i’m proud of it.” she comments while you gasp, wondering why kuroo and her keeps forcing you to admit you like him. it wasn’t that you’re uncomfortable, your answer remains the same, you have a reputation to take care of.

“anyway! i heard you were mean to him.” she adds while burying her head in her open book, it’s obvious that she’s bored but she accompanied you nonetheless. you stopped twirling your hair and you processed what she said. how did she know, you lamented to yourself while your brows furrow.

“terushima… he doesn’t shut up. he might’ve mentioned that.” akari massages her scalp while looking at you, she’s attempting to relieve the minimal pain she’s feeling in her head. you continued to write on how the scene will go but your sentences ended in scribbles. you’re terribly annoyed that terushima talked about the party even, it wasn’t necessary, you thought while biting your lip.

“agh! whatever. it’s the truth.” you cried out after contemplating for a few minutes. you lean back on the chair, drinking from your water bottle to hydrate yourself once in a while. you sigh in satisfaction when the cold water goes to your chest, awakening your sleepy eyes. the silence helps you gain your focus and plan your outfit and makeup on the montage, but akari breaks the silence with a question.

“yeah sure.. the truth. so when are you gonna admit that you actually like tsukishima, huh?” akari prompts her elbow while a cocky smile goes to her face. you hum and stopped writing, utterly confused with her expression.

“well i like him but- what?! you and kuroo should be locked away somewhere.” you rambled after realizing her true intentions of why she asked that question. you kicked her foot slightly under the table to get back at her. she hisses slightly while you bow quickly to apologize. you sigh before grabbing your phone and usher akari to take a selfie in the library, even though her face looks funny on the picture, you’ll still keep it. while she looks through the photos you took, you look at the window and many thoughts keep overlapping but one thought stands out. should i finally admit that i have a crush on him? what if he doesn’t like me though? those are the thoughts you pondered on on the way home and the next few months.

-

it’s been five months since those thoughts spiralled on your head, almost haunting you every night. this day marks the start of vacation, no more school work to do and you’re not pretending to be a good student on campus all year. it's been a few months since you passed the montage output and you remembered how your professor’s mouth is open while watching yours, it boosted your confidence. you picked unrequited and longing which seems two complicated emotions to work on a montage but that’s what you like about it. when you did your shoot months ago, you couldn’t forget the horror on kuroo’s face when he saw the smudged make-up on your face while your dress looked elegant.

you waved him off that time and continued to film the flowers dancing to the wind, the group of birds flying high, and you accidentally filmed tsukishima walking away while the sun hit his direction and it created a warm yet nostalgic vibe. that time he didn’t give you insults or anything but god, he was cocky. kuroo and oikawa noticed how things changed on the two of you, because normally they’d be seeing you going at each other’s throats. but you did your own thing, and you didn’t complain about filming him and instead he saw you giggling to yourself while looking at the camera. the black haired finally connected the puzzles together and came to a conclusion: you’ve come to terms that you like tsukishima.

-

“i really like him! believe me.” you defended and hugged the pillow laying on the couch. you invited tsukishima to your house to convince your parents that you like each other even though you’ve been together for a few months already. when you often walk with your boyfriend (calling him that still makes you blush), you always see oikawa and kuroo snickering to themselves, and you teased kuroo that he replaced you with another. sadly, your mom didn’t like the idea and she went to another country to calm down, you think. that time you realized where you got your sulky attitude from. your dad acts casual and asks questions one at a time. you’re grateful because you couldn’t handle many questions at once and the accusations you’ll hear from your mom isn’t what you wanted right now. your dad giggles when you act pouty and defensive, while tsukishima bounces his leg to relieve the slight to little nervousness he has, he convinces himself. it didn’t help when kuroo grip his shoulder tight and give a little speech on how to protect you and show how to care.

“she does… unfortunately.” he whispers the last word which infuriates you and hits his head with the pillow lightly. your dad didn’t hear what he said so he glares at you, shaking his head, as if he’s saying not to hit your boyfriend. you pout and cross your arms, and give him the face that’s supposed to threaten people but it doesn’t work for him. (one time, you realized you’re friends with people who have resting bitch faces).

“do you want me to be your enemy again?” you threaten him but you fail because a big smile goes to your face. you fix the hair clip on the back of your head to keep your hair away.

“sure if it means i can see you be angry but look cute.” he retorts back and while you're about to explode, from your peripheral vision you see your dad giving him a big thumbs up and an awkward wink. he sends him a nod and acts cool.

"hmm, now i get why you like each other y/n." your dad comments he pats the space beside him. tsukishima gently rubs your lower back before letting you go, even though his heart is beating wild in his chest. you sit beside your dad before tightly embrace him, relieved of his reaction to your new relationship.

"thank you dad. we'll protect each other, don't worry. you can kick him if he broke up with me though." you whisper the last part so the blonde wouldn't hear you (he's suspicious based on the narrowing of his eyes and the gaze you feel at the back of your head). he pats your back while giggling lightly and stand up. he enjoys seeing you lost in your world and see the genuine happiness glowing in your eyes. this is something he should've done sooner, he thought because all these years you're caged in this house, alone and lonely.

“tsu-ki-shima-kun, let’s go?” you tease him because he once told you that calling him like that stirs something inside him. you giggle and look to him softly, an indirect way of asking permission to loop your arms together. you respect his boundaries, always, even though it didn't seem like it a few months ago. he nods and pushes his glasses, and you loop them while seeing his ears down to his neck go a little red.

“hey, let’s go to the library. it’s quiet there.”

you get out of the house and wave to the idiots (kuroo and oikawa) as you call them before going to the library with him. you had nothing to study for and you knew why he wants to go there, with you, you just know.

this is the sky castle, the place where you bring down people to walk forward. but after thinking about it, walking together with tsukishima doesn't sound bad.