#I feel very weird.... kinda like asking for help to the void

[tubbytarchia]

Thoughts on the dynamic between TIES Tango and BB Jimmy? Or even the silly rivalry they have in SL? There’s just so much adorable fluffy potential there and I’m just 💭

- 🧚🏼‍♀️

YOU'RE RIGHT THERE IS AND I LOVE THEM. SL ranchers are SO cute and precious its off the charts. Limited Life however...

Ok drawing that hurt a bit so I'm immediately following up with this

Limited Life is so carefree in general it's SO fun and probably the least angst material out of any of the Life series to me (of course there is still plenty, can't underestimate the traffic fandom's ability to find angst in everything) including Tango and Jimmy. They're so fun and you're right that it's a lot of fluff potential, mostly because Jimmy being a "bad boy" is so funny. BUT THE, MAN. TH The fact that this is the one after DL, after Jimmy so desperately wanted to apologize to Tango for how they went out and who knows if he got to do that or not. I love the idea of them reuniting in some temporary afterlife game or dark void following their deaths, but also what if they didn't get to talk... maybe it was only Tango's distant messages "you're still here? It's over. Go home. Go" that reached him and then he just didn't dare to talk about it other than the one time he instinctually called him "rancher" again. I can't help but be filled with angst when I think about LimL ranchers but I trust that where there is angst, hurt/comfort is sure to follow.... If not then I just die I guess

The bad boy sunglasses are very convenient to hide the look with which he gazes upon Tango from a distance... But then oop Tango hops through the nether portal on top of bad boy mansion and Jimmy decides to go for it, to try and harken back to how they used to be to gauge how Tango will react when he goes "The boogie's being chosen, you're here with us now, we have to look into each other's eyes!" (paraphrasing) and then he's like "oh Impulse is here too" lmao and then that's just kinda it. And then TIES blows up bread bridge and auughhghhh you know??? I'm so bad at expressing how I feel, sorry this is a ramble. But I love them so very dearly and I could absolutely imagine inconspicuous moments between them. Like whenever I think of potential LimL rancher fluff my mind goes to this one fanfic about Jimmy being sleep deprived and he just kinda ends up at TIES and Tango puts him to sleep. Stuff like that

And idk what more to say about Secret Life. Their little rivalry is so funny and literally idk if it's the fanart that has absolutely fucked with my head but every time I think about them I imagine them awkwardly flirting on complete accident and just being kind of weird but. very lovable. They had only two notable interactions and those two interactions left me permanently deranged

ANYWAY THANKS FOR THE ASK ANON

[crushedsweets]

Can you draw or talk more about Toby and Eyeless Jack or even the X-Virus?

YESSSS i can. heres a lil doodle to get me started.

OKKKK the little concept in my head has slender's MAIN GOAL being to prevent any paranormal/supernatural stuff coming out to the general public. hence his proxies being made to get rid of tapes, evidence, and kill if Necessary. sometimes slender makes paranormal/supernatural ppl help out his human proxies "as payment for refuge" in his forest. SO that sorta explains how toby and jack know each other and why jack helps at all. he can't rlly go out to the public so he's stuck with these assholes. it's not really supposed to be a 'mansion' trope, moreso random cabins and shelters littered about the forest, but it could work in the mansion au too

Imma ramble abt toby n jacks friendship (in my head) under the cut + a random x virus doodle

as for toby and jack specifically. toby is impulsive, aggressive, can't feel pain, and doesn't know what's good for him, so he's forced to get help from jack a good bit. for a long while there was hella tension between them since, again, jack isn't helping these guys out of the goodness of his heart. he's helping them bc the forest their boss resides in is the only place he's relatively safe. jack has a weird mix of a inferiority and superiority complex, since he envies toby's humanity but also feels like he's 'better' due to toby's own . . violent habits. toby thinks jack is pretty cool from the get-go ('wooow ur grey..') but he gets pissed off with jack's questions and demands of 'DONT RIP UR FUCKING STITCHES' and 'u have a concussion don't fucking scroll on your phone for 5 hours a day'.

toby has no idea if these demands come from actual concern or annoyance, and frankly, neither does jack. regardless, toby's with jack a decent bit. partially since jack makes a lot of people really uncomfortable so it's easy to go hang out with jack when he doesnt wanna deal with anyone else but still wants company. eventually theyre capable of some decent banter and conversations. theyre both mamas boys so thats a very weird touchy topic that they kinda dance around but both feel very deeply and know the other relates. THEY MISS THEIR MOMS SO BADLY.. :( mayhaps one year toby helps drop off flowers to jack's moms house for mothers day. jacks way too ashamed to even get within a 10 mile radius of his mom. that's kinda the moment things really shift between them and they actually become friends.

toby also asks abt university. lyra was at community college until she passed, and toby never considered college as an option, so he gets curious on what he missed out on. he also likes to share stuff abt lyra and their old shenanigans. tim and brian have used his childhood against him multiple times before, and it's not like he's gonna trust ben or jeff with that information. jacks sort of like a void he could talk into. jack feels uneasy talking about his life before the sacrifice, since he misses it so unbelievably bad, but toby accidentally got him to talk about it while treating a burn before.

ok and to top this fucking essay off heres xvirus. i had no idea he existed until this year and someone sent me an ask about his updated design, so he's some scribbles for him :9 his concepts super cool tho so maybe ill get more into him later on

[mimiyewaffles]

A FEW INTERESTING THINGS

I guess I need help

So if y'all dont know, I'm trying to revise my boyfriend's d3ath.

It's been two months since I have been affirming and a few days since I got into the concept of void. Now, I'm trying to get into the void.

I've noticed a few crazy things, that I would love to share.

I've always affirmed that “everyone will forget about my boyfriend's demise because it was just my nightmare and no such thing ever happened. He's all alive and healthy” So I guess my affirmations are kinda playing out.

1.

When I got to know about his demise, I sent him like 100 texts that day, I was so emotional and poured down everything to him. He not only is my boyfriend, but also is my best friend. The bestest friend ever and it was the worst day of my life. I was never ready to lose him.

I sent those 100 texts to him on Snapchat and obviously, my texts were just delivered. Nobody read them because that "nobody" Was long gone. I'm talking about feb, 2024. So I checked his snapchat after a few days of emotional ranting, and those texts didn't show up. I thought it might be a glitch and now after like 3 months, I went back to check on him because I missed him and guess what? ALL OF THOSE TEXTS ARE GONE!

Now idk if I'm tweaking but wtf? Snapchat has this feature where messages get deleted after 24 hours of being seen. But nobody saw my messages to begin with, where are those texts????

Like... All the snaps, that were sent before those texts and even after those texts are still in delivered, not seen.

Can anyone tell me if this is a glitch? This couldn't be, right? It's been 3 months to that incident, if it were glitch, it would have been fixed by now but idk-

2.

My bf would post about his travelling and stuffs in Instagram reels and I often visit his account to look at him all alive once again and one day, I noticed one of his reels cover has changed 💀 and I even showed it to my sister and friend and they were shocked too. I thought it might be a glitch too. But it stayed like that for 3 days and then switched back to what it was before.

This might be a glitch idk honestly but my friend said it might be a "timeline/dimensions overlapping"

3.

Two of my close friends are really logical minded and I never told them about my manifestation/shifting to a reality where my bf never got into an accident, because they wouldn't believe me. They don't even believe in multiple realities... So, not worth it.

A week ago, I texted one of these friends, saying that I feel like my bf is alive (emotional ranting) and all she told me was to hold up and move on, I'm thinking way too much 😮‍💨

And that's that. We didn't talk much about it.

After a few days of that, she texted me herself telling me that she feels the same. She feels as if my bf is alive too and maybe faking a death. We didn't get into the conclusion but yeah, we are still in doubt.

Also I would daydream about meeting my bf once again and i would make infinite possibilities to proof my reasoning mind that he's alive. So one of my imagination was my friend texting my bf's brother (they have nothing in common, they don't even know each other yet I imagined them talking) and his brother would say that my boyfriend is actually alive. And that scene exactly happened, except for the alive part. my friend talked to his brother to get his "last" Pics and guess what? They don't have that. Which is super weird because that accident just happened this year and those photos are gone. I texted one of his other brother who always replies to my texts and always give me updates about how their family is grieving but when I asked about pics, he left me on seen— again very weird.

Moreover, all of them (his family members) have moved on completely. They are enjoying and travelling. Idk how but like in a month of my bf's demise, they started partying a stuff which is super weird to me.

.....

I guess my affirmations are kinda becoming true. My 3D is maybe conforming slowly (?) Idk 😭

Lemme know what y'all think. Any tips on revising such thing would be appreciated. Thanks for reading 🎐

I'm sorry if I don't make any sense, I'm probably being delusional. Sorry for the rant 🥲🤌

[kineticallyanywhere]

Matt "I can and will remind everyone that Link is REALLY wierd about Normal with like no real explination at this point" Arnold out here like "let me see if I can underminine my entire point in this character arc defining interaction" and I unironically love him for it Link is SUCH a messy b word rn

(this turned into a long response, let's talk Fascinating Character Flaws!)

I dont think it's so much that he's weird about Normal, if I'm understanding what you mean by 'weird', especially in this episode. I feel like it circles back to what I keep thinking about, which is his newest teen fact. the one where he-- does this count as poisoning? he made other children ill in a fit of jealousy for anyone having any time with his dads.

listen, I've had many homeschooled friends. At one point in college I was the "actually went to public school" member of the friend group. People can go in and out of homeschooling and be... not whatever the heck Link has going on. I was excited for him when that fact started, like, "oh he was part of a cohort!" until uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

(the following are thoughts that I'm still developing in my head as I type and probably after I post)

whether it's due to the overprotective parenting or just Link's nature or a Symptom of a Condition (op has their own Condition but is not a psychologist) Link's got an issue with like. not getting what he wants? not usually in super obvious ways, it's not spelled out, he doesn't throw tantrums or anything. unless you count the thing at Normal about Normal not wanting to do "cool plans." and most of the time he doesn't want anything complicated, his wants have been pretty straight forward and in line with what anyone would want in these circumstances. he wants people to not die is the big major one, he wants to not feel betrayed again, he wants his friends to stop fighting, he wants to get this over with NOW. and he's been going through so much of not getting what he wants (COMPLETELY REASONABLE THINGS TO WANT, IN THIS CASE. TRAUMATIC THINGS TO NOT GET) that he seems to not know what he wants at all anymore.

like, his understanding of the world has been rocked so bad that he's pretty sure all those things I just listed just aren't things he can have. in the past whenever he needled his parents or acted out or did certain things he'd get what he wanted. not to say that he's spoiled but uh... okay yeah I am saying that a bit. but mostly in the ways that it keeps him from developing the coping mechanisms for when you ask something from life and it punches you in the teeth instead.

So in a world where he doesn't know how to get what he wants and maybe he isn't sure what he even can want, he's kinda just shutting down internally. In the mean time, he may as well make sure his friends get what they want, and then maybe at some point he'll want something again. so, in a way, what he wants is to feel and want something, so that "wants what he wants" part of him snapped out again at Normal with "well at least you're feeling something." in other words, "you have the thing that I want right now, and I'm gonna sound pretty bitter about not having it myself" which is an effed up thing to say when that thing he's having is a mental breakdown.

Link. Buddy. Bud. Kiddo. Pal. you need Help.

tl;dr and conclusion: imo for their mental health the party should split into Link & Taylor and Scary & Normal again for an episode or two. Norm and Scary for hopefully obvious reasons; and Link and Taylor because while Taylor is unquestionably a rich kid spoiled for material goods who is very good at wanting things, he is also a kid who's mom knows how to say "No. Absolutely Not. Give me the knife right now I don't care what seppuku is" and who's dad left an emotional void for over a decade that he is clearly adept in coping with and he could give Link some pointers.

also because it would be a cool callback and parallel to early episodes to do those pairs again. see how they've changed and stuff

[transingthoseformers]

Omo anon here! Don't worry, when I said omo I was thinking about pee in general, not just desperation and squirming, I'd like to hear any other idea too! I get now that 'wasteplay' may be more accurate word. I have my own ideas, but they are kinda weird, there's a wedding dress in one of them 🙈 Sorry if robots in human clothes is not your thing! I know that some brides' dresses are very tight, or complicated, and it takes hours to put them on. I remember some blogger telling about her friend who wasn't able to use the bathroom in her dress and they didn't have time to take it off and put on again, and this person just helped her friend to relieve herself into a paper bucket. I imagine Drift wanting his and Ratchet's Conjunx Endurae ceremony to be perfect. He orders a big beautiful dress, that turns out to be really hard to put on. Dresses for transformers are even more complex that human brides could have because of their frame shape. And Drift has been nervous since early morning, because it's such an important day, the starts of his new life, and he completely forgot to void, and he drank a special energon tea to calm himself down, and now his need is growing. The preparations are almost over, the ceremony is going to start in less than half and hour. Drift asks Rodimus to come closer and whispers 'I need to go' into his audial. At first Rodimus is confused and asks 'Where?', and Drift loses his patience needed to be subtle and polite. 'I need to piss', he says wincing. By this time his waste tank is so full that he has to try hard not to squirm. He's terrified by the idea of ruining his beautiful dress and the ceremony, but putting the dress off and on again will take forever! He's begging Rodimus with the look of his optics, and Roddy gets the idea. He orders everyone to leave the room and looks around for anything Drift can use. He sees a bucket that Swerve used to carry energon snacks in. It's empty now, so he takes is. Drift is blushing. He has done things much worse and dirtier in his life, but it was so long ago, it was a low life un the Dead End. At the day of his ceremony, in his gorgeous white and golden dress he feels nothing like that Drift, but he has no choice. He lifts his dress and opens up. Rodimus crouches in front of him and holds the bucket between Drift's slightly parted legs. With a shudder Drift unleashes a hissing torrent into the bucket, blushing even deeper at the sound and the pleasure of finally letting go. He thinks that Rodimus must be lookin away, but when he looks down he sees not only his stream filling the bucket with waste fluid but also his friend lookin at his valve. Rodimus giggles and mutters 'Sorry' in a husky voice. The bucket is almost full when Drift stops, he tries not to think about how weird and uncomfortable Rodimus must feel holding a bucket, heavy with his friend's waste fluid. Rodimus moves awkwardly away, checks if Drift is fine and excuses himself to the bathroom, joking about his waste tank taking an example of Drift's. He's lying! 😅

Oh i am here for this

I'm down for robots in clothes, too

Oh drift...

[luveline]

Hi lovely 🫶🏼 I asked if you’re ever afraid of running out of dialogue. I write too but before I wrote actual fics I used to really struggle with dialogue. So far it hasn’t happened yet but I do write a lot and I’m worried at one point I’ll run out of things for the characters to say, you know? Where do you bring dialogue inspo from, do you take inspiration from tiktok and media and stuff, do you ever reuse your own dialogue that you wrote in previous fics? Also do you think it matters for you which character you’re writing for and how do you kind of know it’s in character? That’s kinda a lot haha sorry, but sometimes I let my characters ramble to fill the void then I’m like but is this something they’d actually say? Anyway thank you so much, any help would be really greatly appreciated!!🩷

Ohhhh okay so. Yes for sure I end up reusing my own dialogue, and yeah I’m inspired by media and other things but I think most of my dialogue is actually written directly because it is attempting to stay in character! like, the conversations I right form AROUND the characters personality! I think it helps to be super conscious as you’re writing of who you’re writing for!! But sometimes you’ll of course write dialogue and afterwards wonder if it fits like you said, and there’s no harm in changing it or occasionally having a character be OUT of character, because characters are just like real people were we act weird and not like ourselves under different circumstance. Hotch is a super grumpy character but he’s not gonna spend all his time glaring at his significant other, does that make sense? So the way he talks would be soft, even if that feels wrong for him occasionally (maybe a poor example cos Hotch is demonstratively very tender in the show at moments my bad) but does that make sense? Like, if you can write an action or a reason to support the dialogue of the character that coincides with the person they are, you can’t run out of things for them to say, or at least that’s how I feel!

[shannonallaround]

Knuckles Show Thoughts

This is just an overview but here we go. Spoilers ahead.

Parts were a fun experience. I cringed so much during this show though

Really liked all the ex-GUN bad guys 😈

Genuinely enjoyed the first two episodes for the most part—particularly the evil humans trying to get Knuckles, and Knuckles' interactions with the other Wachowskis.

We didn't get enough of the Wachowskis 🥲🥲🥲

Pachacamac—WHAT THE HECK. I mean it was funny in principle, but also so weird??? I didn't know how to feel about that. I'm just gonna say that Knuckles was meditating and that's what he experienced, and Wade's vision was a fever dream. Wades bowling alley vision was so cringe.

I loved Wade's mission-impossible vision of himself that was hilarious and awesome 😂 Honestly that whole episode was just fun and cool.

KNUCKLES GLIDING WAS COOL

The writing quality REALLY dropped in the third and fourth episodes. They felt like filler and much more amateur in terms of acting direction and pacing. It felt like the human actors were asked to improv, but they were given way too little direction within which to improv, and then their stuff wasn't cut or edited through enough afterwards. The pacing was very off as a result, especially in the third one.

Genuinely hated Wade's sister for the entirety of the 3rd episode. However, I think a lot of her character's despicableness was again a symptom of too much improv and not enough thinking through her character's behavior in advance by the writers.

I totally thought Wade's sister was gonna end up having lied about her position in the FBI, or was gonna end up being a janitor there or something, because she wanted to impress her family and suffers from the same self-doubt Wade does. I think that actually would have been way cooler for her character growth.

The one part I truly loved in the 3rd episode was the Jewish folk music during the epic fight around the candles! :D That was by far the best part of the episode.

Wade's mom really grew on me by the end. I like her a lot.

Overall I enjoyed the last two episodes. THE BAD GUY LORE WAS SO INTERESTING. It was really cool worldbuilding! I wish we could have gotten more of that. The bad guys talking to each other about their motivations relating to GUN was one of the neatest parts of the series and it lasted for about 5 minutes.

I really liked hating Wade's dad (as I was supposed to). I was very suspicious of him from the beginning and honestly did not want him to have a redemption arc, and I was not disappointed. Westley my beloved he was fantastic.

LOVED how Knuckles secretly knew about the bad guys' plan to have Wade betray him through using Wade having him use his earpods that was so genius and made me happy

The rings becoming an endless loop void thing was cool.

Knuckles' fire abilities were not nearly as cool to me as they probably were supposed to be. I get they were a reference, but it changes things a lot in this universe lore-wise and I'm not sure I like that.

The ending was kinda cool, but it felt very rushed. Wish we could have seen that cool battle mec for longer, and that guy could have been a direct opponent for longer. And Knuckles passing out was angsty and dramatic! But it felt like that moment deserved a lot more time.

KNUCKLES' ARC WAS NOT FINISHED. Whyyyyyy did we not get a scene at the end where Maddie, Sonic, and Tails are frantically looking for Knuckles and they're super worried about him?? Knuckles should have come back to them all freaking out that they can't find him anywhere and it's been like THREE DAYS, and he goes up to Maddie and humbly explains to her where he's been (helping Wade) and that he's sorry he's left, but that he realized that he had somewhere to return to. That he has a home. That the Wachowskis are his new home. And he is sorry; he will go back to being grounded. And there should have been a sweet sibling moment and momma moment between them all where they hug or something ahhhh. Again, WHY did we not get this??? I must write a scene to fix it.

More about the previous point because I'm not done. In the first Sonic film, the climax of Sonic's arc was when Tom said "he was my friend", but the actual completion of that arc was when Tom and Maddie invited him to live with them and be their kid. With Knuckles, we only got the climax of his arc (Wade saying he had a home) and not the conclusion (returning to his family and home). We were cheated!

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO THE GUY KICKED ONTO THE MUSHROOM PLANET IN EP. 1?

[justasupportunit]

Not Just Yet (Ryoji Mochizuki x Oc)

OC KISS WEEK!!! I missed two days so I kinda combined three.

Day 1) Almost (with a hint of Day 2 and 3 (Rain and Sunrise set))

TW: Attempted/Implied Su1c1de, mentions of death throughout. (If there's any more please let me know so I can add them!

Notes: The OC isn't named here, but their name is Lucian, this is kinda for a fic I'm writing about them!

This is it, you thought to yourself. Your feet staggered on the edge as you looked to the sky. You couldn’t help the tears that fell from your eyes. Why now.. Why now were you afraid of death’s kiss?

 You had no answer for yourself as you watched the sun begin to dim behind the horizon. ‘I’m sorry, but I have to go now.’ were the very words you wrote and left for someone to find. But where was it you wanted to go? You didn’t know. You swear you could feel someone watching you as you painfully let out a laugh. “W-why don’t I know…?” you stuttered. You haven’t even taken your shoes off yet, just the act of doing so scared you. It would push you further to something you were now doubting. You looked down at the ground, almost feeling faint looking at it. How did you not realize until now how high up you were? It felt like the whole world's eyes were on you, like death itself was waiting for you to do something– anything. 

You pictured your friends' faces. Mitsuru and Akihiko would definitely stop you right now, and maybe that was for the best. But.. they have their whole lives ahead of them… I.. I barely even know if I’ll have tomorrow. When all your days blur together… when time seems to drag on for eternity as well as all too fast, is that living? You didn’t know. Maybe there was something you could do to change it, maybe you could trust Akihiko and Mitsuru to help? Maybe… maybe you shouldn’t do this now.. 

You clenched your fists and hit your thigh with one. You couldn’t stand this hesitation you were now facing. But, you might be right, maybe now's not the time, maybe you can give it another day, see how things go. You wanted to scream. You were here again with no clue what to do, the feeling you dreaded the most, the feeling that made you want death's embrace in the first place. 

You don’t know why you even fell.

You didn’t scream as you did, you just looked at the sky. The sunset… Has never looked so beautiful…  You wished you could be there to see every beautiful sunset, every sunrise that would now never come, every starry sky that fascinated you to no end. Falling… really doesn’t feel fast… huh..

You saw something yellow appear in your vision, something that looked like a scarf. Weird. Then a ghostly hand grabbed your own. Before you knew it, you were falling with another. They smiled at you, their black hair flowing in the wind. For some reason, you felt relief in seeing them. Was this death? 

Your whole world began to dissipate, being swallowed by a void of rain. You watched as the sky disappeared, leaving you alone with death. You looked down, the ground hadn’t disappeared yet, and you were steadily approaching it. You felt your muscles tense as you prepared for impact, until you felt a hand redirect your gaze. Death forced you to look at it, before closing it’s eyes, bringing it’s lips close to yours. You felt your eyes grow heavy, shutting them shortly after. 

Yet, you weren’t falling when you re-opened them. 

“Hey sleepyhead~ Gonna get up?” you heard a voice call out to you. You looked around the unfamiliar terrain until you spotted a lanky guy with a yellow scarf, black hair and piercing blue eyes looking back at you. 

“W-who’re… who’re you?” you asked, your voice feeling almost foreign to yourself.

“Oh me? I’m… Ryoji.. Do you not remember me?” he asked. You shook your head causing him to pout. “Daw… well it’s okay! I’ve been watching you for quite some time now.. So let’s get up, yeah? You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.”

My… my life? Y-yeah… yeah. That’s right… my whole life…

You reached for Ryoji, only for him to partially disappear when you tried. “H-huh?”

“Oh.. sorry.. I’m kinda.. Not fully here. But don’t worry! I can still help you! Just.. picture me as your imaginary companion! Here to always protect you.” Ryoji flashed a smile towards you. “Now, let’s find a way out of here… so we can see that sunset again, yeah?”

[rikitachiquita]

come back… be here | ni-ki

✧ synopsis: working at a cafe can be really fun: the customers being nice, cracking jokes with your coworkers, singing while brewing coffee and so on. but it's even more fun when two members of the staff bicker and fight all day and keep everyone entertained. that's what  hybe cafe is like, thanks to ni-ki and y/n.

✦ warnings: me info dumping about taylor swift and bottling up feelings (?)

⋆04 he is losing it (written 1k)

''you look bored'' said jake while looking at ni-ki. the two best friends were taking a break during their shift, since there weren't any costumers. the whole day had been dull: the weather was cloudy and it kept drizzling, ther air was very cold, especially for a september day and the lack of costumers was getting to the two baristas.

''it's cause i am bored'' replied ni-ki. he had been snappy and on the edge the whole day and jake was trying to understand the reason behind that behavior. if you asked him, he would tell you that that was just his job as a best friend.

''are you sure it's just that? you have been bad-tempered all day'' tried pushing a bit jake. maybe the younger would crack and tell what was going through his mind, even if he kinda had an idea on what it was.

'' it's nothing, don't worry''

''sure cause i will actually believe that''

ni-ki let out a sigh: maybe talking about it would help him. ''do you ever feel like you are lying to yourself?''

''yeah, it happens sometimes, usually when i can't accept something i make myself forget that thought. other times i just put it aside and don't act on it, even if it's not a healthy way to deal with itchy subjects... is something bothering you that you want to talk about?''

at those words ni-ki started thinking: was his brain making up those thoughts cause he was spending too much time at work? maybe he was too tired? it had been a while since he saw all his friends or went dancing. yeah, maybe he should just dance for a couple hours that would clear his mind-

''i think i am weirdly jealous of y/n''

jake was now looking at ni-ki's face, trying to read his emotions, but he wasn't showing any, his face was blank, a void of sentiments ''what do you mean by that?''

ni-ki took another long pause again ''i feel like i should be the only one that can annoy her. it's kind of our thing you know, annoying eachother. it bothers me when someone else does it. it's maybe a bit silly but i don't want to loose our bickerings and little fights cause they make my life a tiny bit more interesting''

''is that all?''

''yeah... do you think it's weird to feel like that?''

''no... as you said those quarrels are your thing, so it's normal to appeal entitled to it. are you sure there is nothing more to it tho?

after a few beats ni-ki decided to shift on another topic, since the discussion was going in a direction that he wanted to stay away as much as he could ''yeah don't worry. do you think that eunchae is going to come and give as a visit?''

jake let the conversation drop, still knowing that there was more to it but waiting for a better moment to dig more into it ''i don't know, she usually texts you, you should check''

ni-ki did as his friends said and as expected, there was eunchae's text: she was going to be at the cafe any minutes.

and five minutes later, there was eunchae in all glory. she went to hug the two guys and ordered her regular: an iced maple latte

''you know chae, maple latte is the drink taylor swift ordered while on a date with the ex that made her write one of her best song ever?'' said jake

''which song?''

''all too well''

''which version?'' asked eunchae. don't get her wrong, she wasn't an actal swiftie but she enjoyed the singer, i mean who wouldn't. she also liked to hear jake (or anyone) talk about their interests, but you would never catch her admitting that.

''i mean every single one but we all know that atwtmvtvftvsgavralps is just superior''

''what does that even mean'' interrupted ni-ki. a loud gasp was heard and that's when sunoo had appeared. of course he would appear in the moment that his favourite singer was mentioned.

''you have been working here for months and you still don't know what atwtmvtvftvsgavralps means? that is all we listen to basically!''

''ohhh he is losing it'' whispered eunchae: she knew that ni-ki would drive the two fans mad.

''no i don't. can you guys explain what it means?''

'' it's 'all too well 10 minutes version taylor's version from the vault sad girl autumn version recorded at long pond studios' '' explained jake

''put it on, i want to hear it since you act like it's the best song that ever existed'' declared ni-ki, and so sunoo did.

he would never admit it out loud, but they were right: ni-ki thought that the song was really good. not just good but actually touching and somehow it kept you curious, even with it's vast lenght.

after that they kept talking while the three baristas did some small chores or served the few costumers that came by.

at one point jake and eunchae were left alone for a few minutes, so jake caught the opportunity to bring up what was bothering him.

''eunchae, i think ni-ki as some kind of feelings for y/n''

''wait why?''

''we talked for a bit earlier and he said something about being jealous when other people make fun of her and how he feels like he is lying to himself''

''oh my god i actully had some suspicions, but you telling me this makes me believe that i'm probably right. i'll ask him in a few days tho, since we are having a sleepover at mine, so he might open up. it's not good when he bottles up his emotions'' she said, sounding a bit concearned

''that's why i brought it up, i know it talks to you about this type of subjects''

''yeah he does, cause i am like cupid''

''omg yes stream fifty fifty''

prev - masterlist - next

✧ note: fun fact, iced maple lattes are actually my favourite drink ever

✦ taglist: open! ask to be added@juyomiao

[talesofanaudhdnothing]

Introduction

Good morning, it’s 1pm.

I’m a vlogger at heart and hope to keep up with my channel but thought I would try another avenue of connecting? Anyways the point of that was to explain how I got so used to saying good morning to my camera that I would accidently do it at 4 or 5 pm on my way home from work in the video diaries I would make (not even to upload, I just like to talk but only to myself). Eventually I just started to do it on purpose and while i’m sure no one actually cares, I personally find it hilarious so I have claimed it as my thing.

I’m Bee and this is my blog! Could I tell you what I’ll be posting here? No. Basically, this is just a void for me to shout into just like my youtube channel. I like to think I can offer a pretty realistic and relatable perspective on life and that’s why I like to share. Because I like to consume content I can relate to, and I want to be that content for other people. I crave connection into the world I feel like an alien to. I have autism 🎉 !!! I’m not sure if it’s related but honestly, it checks. Before we go any further let me give you the alphabet soup recipe:

Level 1 ASD 

Combined ADHD

Generalized anxiety

depression

And probaby cptsd, arfid, dyscalclia ????

Aaaand as of now that’s it but give me another month or so of introspection and observation and i’ll get back to you. It’s weird taking a piece of yourself and focusing so hard to figure out what it is like that. Things I thought were just normal, aren’t. Everyone isn’t having the same thoughts and feelings and emotions as I am. Everyone is not having as tough of a time as me. I’m also hyper-independent… for some reason so that doesn’t really help with ever asking for the support I need. Weird, right?

I was officially DX with audhd on april 4th, 2023 through some place online that I still kinda squint my eyes at. But I got my silly little paper that says i’m autistic so that’s really all I needed. And tbh I could have paid for and had the best ASD evaluator in the world and I’d still be like “ ok but like..are you positive bc?”. Not because I don’t want to be autistic, god no. I was RELIEVED to discover I might be autistic. And I totally respect everyones feelings and they are very valid but I never understood being upset. To me; If you are autistic, you’ve BEEN autistic. Having the words to it isn’t going to make it worse. It doesn’t give you autism to say you’re autistic. But what it does is validate that you aren’t crazy or weird or just an outsider. You aren’t alone and now you know how to help yourself. Why would I be upset to learn that the reason I get so irrationally angry and deeply terrified when someone revs their motor is because I’m autistic and I’m not just being dramatic???

Maybe I just guessed all the right answers. I don’t do XYZ or experience XYZ like other people who are autistic so maybe I’m really not and i’ just weird and destined to never fit anywhere. What if I’m just faking symptoms (not for attention because I keep it private because I’m embarrassed). 

But I know it has to be true, deep down and it always has been and always will be. And I just want to share my experiences and my knowledge. I want to help other audhd people like me. So I want to start this blog to talk about myself; Share my experiences, pass along my knowledge, and share the good and the bad. I want people to better understand us because I know I feel chronically misunderstood. And I just wanna have fun man. I have a lot to say when it’s on my terms and I want to say it!

[poupeesdecirque]

Photo Challenges - Why I do them & why I do them alone

Time for a new blog, my topic this time: Photo Challenges!

With the new year a lot of people attempt to do the "A Doll A Week" a weekly photo challenge, some are even that ambitious to do the 365-Challenge, a photo for each day.

Back in 2014 I started my very first attempt to do a photo challenge, I got a DSLR as gift 1 1/2 years in before and kinda wanted to do more with it than just taking photos here and there. The weekly challenge of the ADAW seemed fun. On the top of this entry you can see my very first entrance for it. As you can see it started with a quite random photo.

I can tell I didn't make the full 2014 according to the ADAW but as I checked my files I noticed I indeed took photos each week?! Therefore I failed but .. also did not. It was somehow weirdly motivating for me to see that I can do it.

2015 was the first true attempt for me to finish the ADAW, this time with more effort. Because just taking photos is boring right? Aside taking more photos I wanted to feature each doll I had, around that time that was still very much possible with 52 photos for the 52 weeks of the year.

I was prepared, this was the first pic of 2015 .. well.. no. It wasn't I took it in advance and this is one of the points I later on disliked how I approached the whole thing. I was in a flickr group for some time and the same theme was going against my own liking, that people just took 20 photos at a time, posted them (all looking alike) and were finished with the whole challenge within half of the time.

I asked myself if this was what I wanted? The whole thing started to frustrate me, as I tried to come up with cool ideas and I saw other people half-assed their entries. Of course each to their own but no passion for the project, 'cheating' with multiple photos from one photoshoot just to make it "full" that seemed wrong for me.

But I managed to finish 2015! My first year with 52 weekly photos taken. The next year started with a photoshoot as well but I didn't use it for the ADAW.

Instead I took a break to regain and started with another idea:

Names! Like this one was named "ADAW 01 - Frost Pattern" I made it into an own challenge to add creative titles to go with the photos, also I added more and more photos, not just one but multiple. This was to challenge myself more and more. Still I tried to be motivated by others and motivate them but somehow... it still was turning me off that people approached the whole thing less .. uhm.. strict? I can't really put it into words, I just can tell as I later on within the years tried to build up a guide how to do the ADAW I got so demotivated seeing others doing it that I had to put the thread in the forum on full ignore and do my own instead? It's super weird.

What really got me going though was that I started to print my photos. 2 Photobooks for one year, having my photos printed made them more precious to me. I still make photobooks and last year I reached the maximum page count for the books and uhm.. might need to do three a year if that continues.

I can tell I got hooked by photos. Sometimes it felt hard to start over though, to start with "nothing" all over again, as I tend to null & void my own progress in my mind and well.. "new year, nothing done" got me hard sometimes, that's why the first days of the new years were hard for me to find ideas.

Also the fact that I still tried not to feature a doll twice got harder and harder even given I had more than enough dolls. But you know how it is, right? When you restrict yourself you want to do exactly that what is restricted.

Did I feel drained in the process of taking photos weekly? Oh yes, I did. Especially because I decided I have to take WHOLE PHOTOSHOOTS and sometimes even posts with outtakes to share fact about the characters. Some weeks I was so demotivated.

But a thing that helped me going was ... routine. And the photobooks. I picked a day during the week I was taking photos, which for me is Saturday, and it's still mainly Saturday to be honest.

It was 2019 already and you can see I returned to taking new year's photos, 2020 was similar. But I got tired of the ADAW thing, because it was kind of still setting to close borders for me. Taking photos weekly was becoming easy for me because I did it for so long. I still kinda tried to keep up with other hobbyists but in 2020 with the pandemic I cut ties with my local community and decided that 2021 would be the first year of me not doing a 'A Doll A Week'

Wait? What? Yes, you read that correctly.

Welcome to my own challenge the ... Weekly Photo!

This might seem not much of a difference but allows me to take photos, not just of dolls but of landscapes, people, animals and that was important to me. I still mainly use it for dolls but I wanted to do an own challenge, without any link back to the 'rules' of the ADAW and without the mental connection to the community I had left behind.

With the Weekly Photo I started to thrive. No more (own set) boundaries, every doll could be featured, even 20 times in a row, no rules, no titles, no themes, just me and my camera. For the sake of being creative.

And that's what I can tell you about my challenges... do it for the creativity, do it to challenge yourself. Don't be that dumb like I was and think you have to stick to what everyone else does or that you have to do it a certain way.

Now taking photos became so easy for me I see it as challenge to use the seasons as canvas to come up with something, to learn what light/time is the best.

I can tell my photography has envolved because I dared and tried, I challenged myself, revisted ideas but didn't try to set boundaries to my own creativity.

To be honest I now see photo ideas everywhere and almost have to stop myself from taking TOO MANY PHOTOS because .. I still need to sort them out :')

Oh a little thing that still is a rule for me ... I didn't bury them all: the first photo has to be taken in the actual year. Yes, I stayed up super late to take Tamani's photos as the first set of 2024 just to be sure I have that done.

I'm not sure if this entry is helpful for someone, for me looking up the old photos (I put in one for each year of a challenge) was super interesting and with a super busy week and weekend behind me I wanted to do a lighter topic for once.

I can tell writing down really helps me to reflect the hobby and to think through some decisions.

[onlyplatonicirl]

i have so many error hcs because he is the silliest billiest guy to ever exist

this is more so just a hc i have about like every glitched skeledude and that is they function a lot similar to like computers/robots if you get what i mean? like they are very strict about their logic and any deviation can cause them to break down, i.e. crash and reboot

since they can peer into the code they can also use it to their advantage, whip out a command terminal and ask it all the questions youve ever wanted too such as why is my ex wifeboy such an annoying bitch?

error is a glitch he lives outside the code, code is often translated in binary, if he lives outside that he is then nonbinary, although i like to think he throws the idea of gender completely out the window, agender error real and true

he can speak both english, spanish and french, spanish because he felt he needed to watch his novellas in the og language (subs not dubs) to properly understand them, and french because he was paranoid ink was insulting him to his fave whenever he spoke in french in front of him

my guy has no senses, his eyesight, more like eyeshite, taste? nope, bro eats tin cans for breakfast, hearing? also poor, try having a million people screaming in your head day in day out, common sense? certainly not

he does however have a heightened tactile sense, all errors/glitches do, in a meta sense i suppose you could say his hurtbox is slightly too big because he'll flinch and pull away if you get a bit too close to him

on that note, autism, all skeletons originate from sans and that man is autistic

he will burn anything containing he doesnt like so if you wanna get him some nice clothes for his birthday, which he does not at all recall the day it was (he choose 4/04 because it was funny), you better make sure it isnt crush velvet or sherpa

he gets very easily overstumulated because hes spent years in the antivoid which is a blank white void that is always silent and nothing ever changes, i swear to god cq this man is so autistic was this intentional??

needs glasses, refuses to wear them

cant really feel temperature differences, he'll rock his stylish socks and sandals in -10°C (im sorry im british)

a lot of his old memories from his life before he became a glitch are gone, or are incredibly fuzzy, it also doesnt help that he's lived for so long since that there are plenty of more memories he can pull from, so for error a lot of things are new to him, the first time ink showed him a bath bro was flabbergasted, stayed in there for 6 hours didnt even care the water was cold

he had a cat but yknow the anitvoid is uhhh a big open, endlessly infinite void of white nothingness so he kinda lost it, he cried for 7 weeks straight and still does everytime hes reminded

error starts with negative friendship points with everyone, doesnt matter if youve done nothing untoward him, he hates your guts

as much as he hates to admit it, hes picked up a lot of inks traits, and he tries desperately to do the opposite of everything ink does because god no he cant be like him hes annoying and weird and silly and kinda funny and cute?

i like error 😐👍

ALL OF THESE ARE SO REAL AND TRUE AND A LOT OF THESE ALIGN WITH MY OWN HEADCANONS!!!!

BUT THE CAT ONE...... OUGH...... AUGH........... THATS SO SAD................ waAAAAAAAAAA

[insufferable-talkstuck]

(HELPP sorry bro gonna ask this blog instead mb 💀😭)

helloo can u classpect me pls (idk heo to do this 🔥) including a little bit of vent for the sake of classpects

basically i am reclusive, secretive, spacey, knowledgeable but not in an arrogant way, creative, pretty absent minded, and very awkward :]

my main interests include TMNT, MBTI, experimental music, psychology, and marine life. (probably says nothing)

i also like drawing but sometimes i get mad jealous over other ppls art

i also have a strong interest in leftism, anti-racism and anti-capitalism. idk what that says tho

i can get RLY obsessive about my interests and i will NOT shut up about whatever im hyperfixating on

i find it extremely difficult to grasp social cues, in other words i am socially inept

i can have a lot of trouble with empathy usually, not saying i have no empathy tho

no social life. 0. not even one (1) friend. offline or online.

if i had a social group tho i think id be the weird one who is very awkward and does not get jokes 😭

i like to consider both logic and emotions when making a decision, but i tend to value logic and rationality more sometimes

i have a tendency to stay up really late, like really late (it is 5 am as i am writing this

(idk of the text below counts as a vent or not but read idk)

ive always been really bad at explaining, wording, or identifying my own emotions, idk why but its just really hard to come up with words that can accurately describe how i feel, which is why im shit at venting

nvm i think im just bad at wording my own thoughts in general, it makes me feel kind of dumb, im just as bad at that on text too 😭😭 communicating is hell

(vent-ish thing is over)

supernatural stuff is pretty cool too idk

ive been told im dry and very monotonous in person 💀 like a robot n shit

i also dont like being wrong but not in an arrogant know-it-all asshole kinda way ❤

idk what else to put here.

Seer of Void

I'm not picking up any sign that you would *want* to be assigned a void player but I don't tell people what they want to hear.

- dissection -

‘ basically — :] ’ in this paragraph you list off some traits that could easily be associated with void

‘ i can RLY — tho ’ classpects aren't political stances and tho some classes and aspects are described as more devoted or revolutionary it doesn't specifically tilt it towards any view on these things. go girl give us nothing

‘ i find it — jokes ’ you're listing traits of autism, not something that could help me classpect you. However in all technicality "lacking" so many things can be written off as void

‘ i like to consider — on text too ’ okay, Dirk strider moment I guess, if you had only left this paragraph i would have given you prince of heart and left it at that

- dissection over -

why I think you're a seer of void

seers struggle to grasp their aspect at first, how it works and how they could relate to it escapes them, but once they learn it they're comfortable in it. you talk like youre rampaging to find fragments of a personality, sloppily putting paragraphs about yourself together, but if you were to take a step back and relax I think you'd be relieved and find comfort in the nothingness, and along with it the unlimited potential you'll master but.. baby steps

bonus round

i think there would be a destructive heart player and/or a mind player in your session, you seem torn between the two, I don't see this talked about amongst the classpecting population but I do think the aspects of the players in your session would affect you. with all my evidence of that coming from the kids and trolls sessions I mean the bond is just so clear

[the-whispers-of-death]

thinking about the non-human ocs stumbling their way onto earth and meeting your ocs... (what a coincidence, i know)

most importantly thinking about Elly (it/its), the most human looking of the bunch. only things setting it apart are... the fact it has no visible face (covered by black... goop?), has 3 eyes, and has antennae that look like those from old TVs and tail with an electricity plug at the end. oh. and like. 4 arms. and is fully intended to be a "glitch in reality" sorta thing.

idk i think its really funny to think about this creature that looks like straight out of a nightmare, just sorta bumble around and and like an everyday teen. cuz. thats what elly is, in essence. its just chilling. being both a computer bug and looking like an actual bug (6 limbs = bug. like. like that centaur post states)

imagine just the crew going about their day and. *splat.sfx* and. oh whatthefuck. HUH. okay sure the.. 4 arms and tail/antennae could be explained, surely. just a weird... hybrid mutt situation. but the face. how does it speak. (it doesnt. you just have a gut feeling you Know what its saying). imagining like a faint static/buzzing going on (maybe humans cant even hear it) every time Elly "talks" so by the end of the day everyone has an inexplicable headache.

i feel like all of my ocs who are non-human embody body horror and surrealism if you look too deeply at them. like. i already described Elly but then theres still just.

oh thats void, nice! a goat hybrid!!! not too bad. just. dont ask what happened to their neck. their mouth. their nose. their body. do not ask why every time you see them you Know youre being watched (you are) and dont ask why they can talk while mouthless and neckless. and do not ask why they avoid the divine and holy.

aye that my good buddy vast! a... centaur. yeah... with.. one eye. thats. also a mouth. and... sometimes theres.. an eye *above* him.. uhm. what. are those.. *screws*...? metal-- okay yeah. dont.. look too deeply into it. or why you.. suddenly cant quite remember something.. oh well. its.. probably.... nothing. yeah :)

their parents are lowkey just. kinda normal and dont have much going on for them, except the crushing truth of knowing they unknowingly allowed one of their kids to. die. but. yeah dont worry about it too much. void is fiiiine :)

((a bit funny how theres 2 ocs named void here. but the name has been around since 4 years ago and im.. not.. changing i))

~ rusty

Kali: Stone, Stone call Orinothicor.

(Orinothicor's going to regret giving Stone the coin to summon him.)

Stone: I don't think Orinothicor can help us here.

Python: Am I high? (You've never done drugs, Python.)

Sarabi: No one make any sudden moves.

Nala: What do we do?

Simba: Maybe if we befriend them, it'll be okay.

Ladder: Yeah I go with befriending them!

Fariz: Perhaps it would work.

Cerberus: I'm very scared, Sarabi hold me. (Bestie, what.)

Hellstorm: I wish I wasn't sober for this. (You're not a drinker, Hellstorm.)

[rubyscarbuncle]

VENT POST FEEL FREE TO SCROLL PAST

content warnings: dysphoria, self-loathing, depression

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.

.

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I'm not really asking for advice or help, not really looking for people to feel obligated to read this, just kinda screaming into the void. I wouldn't turn down that, but if anyone does decide to read this for some reason, I don't want them to feel obligated to say anything. This is just a post to just... Get it out.

dysphoria has been beating my ASS recently. I feel like I'm out of the honeymoon phase of hrt if that makes sense, where the progress has slowed down a lot. Everything feels a lot slower and more incremental. I finally felt like I look femme enough to pass (a feeling that honestly I don't even believe on most days now) and tried to do voice training, but kinda stopped.

it's hard, on good days I can tolerate or ignore my voice but on most days I just don't like it at all. I think it's one of the reasons that I've been nonverbal more often recently. Although it's also due in part that I'm actually allowing myself to do so on days where I just don't feel like talking, but I think if I wasn't so dysphoric I'd at least be able to manage to just keep my mic on at least. Or at least squeeze out a few words. But I just don't like my voice being perceived. I think it sounds fake and wrong and a lot of other things. I know I wouldn't be feeling this way if I did voice training, but to do voice training I have to listen to and focus on my voice, and I hate my voice, but it can't change unless I do voice training, but to do it I have to listen and focus on my voice, and thus the cycle repeats and as I feel the cycle repeating my motivation dips lower and lower. It sucks. Like a lot. I feel like I'm in this weird fucked up stage where it's just enough to not present as outwardly masculine but is still very easily detectable as masc. I know passing isn't tied to gender, but it's a shitty feeling nonetheless.

I just wish I could bundle myself up and just never have to be perceived until my transition is complete. But I feel like I'm forced to walk around like a caterpillar that's halfway morphed, one that should still be in its cocoon but is forced to walk around anyways. It's a really shitty feeling that I don't know if I could describe to anyone that doesn't have to deal with it any better than that.

I put on make-up recently and felt not very good after putting it on, like I looked somehow more masculine in the way that you could tell I already didn't have a standardly feminine face but also had shitty make-up applied that feels deeply unfeminine, I got complimented by someone I know who signed to me saying "you look beautiful" and chat I can't lie, my first thought was "damn I can't believe they'd lie to my face like that."

It also sucks, because I feel like I'm nervous to be or act like myself outside of really close friends or else I might be seen as "not feminine enough" or something. But that in it of itself makes me feel like I'm just faking it or something and I feel like people can tell that which sorta makes its own vicious cycle.

I just wish I could just be put in some kind of vat like the healing pod for goku but for transitioning. Just sit in that vat and let the changes wash over me until it's over.

Don't get me wrong, I still love being trans, I love the community, I love the perspective it's given me, I love meeting supportive people, I love so much about it, but the dysphoria (and not to mention the transphobia) aougoughhhhhhhhh, it's debilitating.

[atlascripts]

Warnings: angst, hurt comfort

forgiveness of oneself

The days bled into one another, things seemed mundane and dull and yet you were realizing every time what reality felt like after having been stuck in a dream for years. Your life felt very empty and bleak though, you didn't have friends your age you were nervous about going out into the world and getting a proper job so you stayed at the humble little records shop you worked at in Hawkins. Life was strange, at its extreme normalcy, you could feel the absence of so many things, warmth, comfort, love, friends, and family. You were so alone.

You'd zone out often, there was such a deep sense of emptiness within you, a void that was never filled by anything not even briefly. It's like you still searched for him in a sea of crowds. The suede jacket of his, his blond hair, that demeanour, the walk he had. But really he was nowhere and when you had convinced yourself that he won't come back, you'd sit by the bedside conversing with yourself in your head. You wanted answers, why, why'd he do that? you wanted an apology, you'd tell yourself. Always pushing away the evident ginormous question of, ‘do I still love him?’ hanging in the air. You were scared to ask because you knew the answer, and it bothered you more how problematic it sounded. And so you would end up crying yourself to sleep, how many days had it been where you slept like this by yourself with not even a pet in your vicinity to make you feel like you weren't alone. 

Your dreams were still plagued by his presence, but not in a haunting way, in longing kind, in a yearning way. You'd see yourself in his made-up world, your old place, a chilly night with the yellow lamp illuminating the room and his back facing you as he sat by the bedside. You reached out your hand and he'd look over his shoulder but his face was all static like white noise almost as if you were once again forgetting the contours of his face. But when you'd wake you'd sit up in bed with tear-stained cheeks and close your eyes firmly to recall his face, recall every little detail, and you committed it to memory because you never wanted to forget.

~

'How are you feeling?' El asked and you smiled briefly, 'Fine,' was all you replied and El sighed looking at Mike and then at you. Mike kinda excused himself leaving Will and El in the room with you. The kids would come to check on you once in a while, as much as you wished to befriend El you also felt awkward and lost, she was a memory from the past you felt drawn to due to familiarity but she had her own life now and you were just an awkward grown up. 'Look we're asking because we think we have a lead.' Will said then.

'Dr Owen said that if you are feeling fine, like completely normal then it means he's not fine..' Will trailed and you looked up at him concerned and confused, 'I think he's hurt, and he needs help but we can't find him.' El spoke sitting by your side.

'You are saying he's alive and here?!' You questioned with a strange sense of hope and spark and the weird bubbling anxiety but you didn’t let it show on your face. 'I sensed him a few times, but when I tried to find him...I lost the beacon.' El replied. 'I think he's struggling to keep himself hidden, he used everything he had to keep you alive in that place and now he...he needs help.' Will finished. 

There was silence for a while before you stood up and paced around, 'Why do you want to find him? Why do you care? He wronged you, he wronged me! He's the bad guy here so I don't see why you would tell me this.' You were agitated pacing back and forth until El held you in place, 'I want to help you,' She spoke and pulled you in a hug and you couldn't help but hug back anxiously. 'I know we all hate him, what he did was unforgivable but if we can find him and just talk to him maybe he-'

'He would stop wreaking havoc?' You asked, 'You still think he's dormant so he can strike again?' Your question was more of a statement and Will and El looked at each other like you caught on to them. 'It's fine, he's accountable I won't deny it so yeah sure we should find him.' You muttered away unsure of what to make of this entire conversation.

~

You had walked far into the woods that day, reaching the meadowy hills to sit there and just be left alone with your thoughts. You didn't know what to make of what the kids had said, clearly, the truth had spilt. But then if that was the case, you didn't want him to be found, if he was weak and dormant, anyone could hurt him, she remembered him being the docile Peter he was due to the soteria. You remembered how easily people misused him, you'd be damned than let that happen but then you wondered, is he really out there?

In times like these when you'd be alone, you sometimes stopped your thoughts to look around you, no you didn't sense anyone, you deliberately looked around as if hoping to see him, somewhere in the shadows, anywhere. Tears rolled down your face as you sighed and just lay there curled up in the flower field.

~

You were on a work break and had walked a few stores down to the thrift store, you looked around for clothes going through racks of pretty sundresses. 'We have a sale for that side.' The sales boy spoke from behind the counter without looking up, you just picked out a few dresses and brought them to the counter. Eddie looked down from the comic book he was reading and was pleasantly surprised to see you. 'Oh hey there,' He had smiled your way putting his book face down and leaning forward, 'What can I do for you?' He had a sweet way about him, you couldn't help but smile back. 'I am uhm on a work break, so I  thought I’d do some shopping.' You replied softly handing him the dresses, he went through the tags casually and asked, 'Oh really? That's sweet where are you working?'

'At the record shop near your-' and you cut mid-sentence asking instead, 'Are these jackets for sale too?' You were sifting through the racks of the denims and leathers. 'Oh no I'm sorry sweetheart those aren’t but,' and he finally walked over to where you were, 'I can help you pick one!' He beamed cutely as he held out a nice leather jacket and a denim one posing them both for you but you picked out the only suede jacket the rack had. 'This one,' You said. 

As Eddie totalled your things he saw you try on the suede jacket and he could have sworn you seemed enamoured with it. You did buy one denim jacket per his suggestion, but as he saw you leave with the shopping bags he immediately recalled the suede jacket that boy had worn too and it kind of seemed to connect for him before he went back to reading his comic book.

~

You woke up due to the small pitter-patter of rain and realized you had dozed off in the flower field on the hill again, you got up got your bearings and knew if someone found you here they'd scold you for being so careless. The rain was light and you trudged back home through the path in the woods. You remembered walking inside your home and just sitting by the bedside in your room in front of your window, you reached your hands in the pocket for warmth from the sudden chill in the weather when you felt something in the right pocket. You pulled out a folded piece of paper with a flower pressed in it and a very shakily scribbled, 'i'm sorry' written on it.

Your eyes widened and your heart dropped unable to believe what you saw, you looked out the window and then rushed downstairs and out of your door onto the main road looking left and right. The rain picked up and you were starting to drench, seeing the parchment get wet you immediately went inside and kept it on the table to dry not wanting to lose it. You found yourself taking off the jacket and bringing it close to your face to cry softly into its fabric and embrace what you felt was left of Peter. As if this was the same jacket he had worn, that suede jacket of his.

~

In the days to come, you decided to do one thing and that was to renovate the dreadful place, it was your home and you couldn't have it feel so unpleasant to return to. The resolve to do so had you do a lot of things on your own that helped you gain a little confidence in treading into the world outside. You had strapped up your boots to at least fix what was in your control and you truly liked how the house was coming to look like.

The busyness kept you from thinking about the void inside you but once it was all done the feeling seeped in as slowly and unnervingly as a chill under the skin. You sat by the floor cushion with your hot cup of cocoa, you had a pen and paper in your hand and you had been meaning to write something, a response to that little note you had found a few weeks back.

What does one say? How does one approach it? You had wanted an apology, a reason, but if it were true then he had truly apologized and if you recalled faintly from your memories, he apologized a lot. His confession of that time was etched onto your heart and you wondered if the need to confront him was just an excuse to find him, to keep him. After thinking long and hard and scribbling and scratching out you ended up with a mere few words. 

'I forgive you,'

'I love you,'

You had folded the paper and slid it in the pocket of the jacket with the weird odd hope he'd find it. It was silly to think that but you did so regardless of the dread that followed, after every little hopeful event you felt as if you were moving further in life and that your chances of finding him were growing slimmer. You couldn't express how painful that feeling was, it was the only time you felt you could fill your own void with grief at least. You remember growing numb from always crying so often, you lay down on the rug staring up at the ceiling hoping the exhaustion would help you go to sleep.

~

It was a lucid dream, after so long. You saw yourself in your same little vintage-looking sundress and that jacket. You were running on the road of Hawkins and into the highway, a dense forest lay ahead of you and you kept running regardless. Until this point the dream felt like a dream, out of your control, you remembered falling through the thicket of the woods and getting up pushing past the branches and the growing vegetation. You eventually pushed past with minor bruises and cuts on your skin and fell onto the ground. When you got up you felt more in control of your dream, you knew this wasn't real it was the feeling of the illusion Peter would create. A dream where you're actually present. 

You seemed to be in a weird space, the sky had tearings in it that made no sense to you and around you in the woodsy rubble were the remnants of the old room you used to be trapped in. There was the old lamp, the chair now broken, the discarded curtains. Some things were seen floating around like the electric kettle and torn-up pillows. And it all felt moonlit yet you couldn’t see the moon in the sky anywhere, just stars. 

In the middle of it all you saw him, Peter, in the same look you had last seen him in. Except he looked weak, he had bruises and wounds all over, and he sat barely leaning on the bed's frame. His blue eyes had dulled out and he didn't move as you walked closer. Your hands gently reached out to hold his face, he felt cold to the touch but he felt real, oh so real, that you sighed from relief closing your eyes and letting your forehead touch his. 

'Peter..'

'Come back to me, please...'

Your voice felt distant to him, like a far-off echo, you tried shaking him a little trying to get a response. You had kissed the corner of his lips to ignite some warmth and tried to feel if his heart was even beating, for sure, it was, he was alive but he wouldn't respond. You eventually embraced him and broke down in your desperation, clinging on to him as if he would disappear.

'I am not leaving you,' You had said resting your head against his shoulder, after tiring yourself out from your crying. Your eyes were swollen now and your face was stained with the salt of it.

'I forgive you Peter, please forgive yourself too..' You spoke as your own voice came out tired while your hand brushed over his heart. 

It felt like he had slowly responded to that statement, it rang true, he had broken himself down under the weight of it all feeling irredeemable. Maybe he had not forgiven himself first and foremost.

'We'll run away, start over, nobody will know..' Your voice however still felt like a faded echo as he was slowly coming to, a tear rolled down his own eye followed by another. You looked up to see his face and noticed your vision blur just then, your hands were foggy all of a sudden. You were disappearing out of the dream you realized, you tried to call him out to shake him but you were fading slowly and along with you the remnants of the past that had haunted him also faded.

You woke up then with cold sweat and sat up immediately, hurrying up to get water, you were trying to process it all feeling as if the whole thing had drained you. Your heart was beating so fast and you had to sit down to calm yourself while you chugged another glass of water down.

You hadn't even gotten your bearings back when you felt a single fairy light flicker and then the other, a little pattern almost leading your eyes along it. You were sure you were in reality now as you noticed that it wasn't a one-off thing, they were flickering in a pattern. You followed the path slowly, as it switched to the light over your head on the stairs and then to the little lamp on the floor above, there were only two rooms upstairs but it stopped near yours.

You opened the door to your room that was shrouded in darkness and saw a silhouette by your bed frame, sitting facing away, you weren't taking any chances of illusions playing with your mind this time and you immediately opened the lights. Your heart almost leapt out of its cage, it was him in the same suede jacket. You walked forward seeing Peter there before you in flesh and blood. He stood up wordlessly and turned to you, he was very much alive and you couldn't believe your eyes as you stepped forward and traced his arms slowly and then his body making sure he was real. 

He held you too and you felt the warmth emitting from him as he pulled you close, 'It's me darlin', I'm here,' His hands traced around you to hold you closer and closer as if he too couldn’t believe this was happening.

His voice was the soft gentle tone you had known, his eyes didn't feel as dull and lifeless as you remembered caressing his face all the while holding back choked sobs that hurt your throat. And he pulled you in a firm embrace as you clung on to him and eventually let it all out, you had had breakdowns before, but none like this, you were crying with audible sobs and wails as if you had found a missing part of you, the gap in your void had found its closure. Peter despite his stance and journey on the path of self-healing and forgiveness realized he still wanted to protect you as one does with loved ones, he realized he couldn't do that if he stayed away. You both needed each other, come what may, no matter how bitter and dark the past was, he deserved a second chance at life from scratch. He'd do it for you first even though he craved it too, the normalcy of things, both of you were beyond repair in many ways but you two made it this far. He wasn't letting go this time, he was also very tired and just needed to lay dormant next to you. He hid his powers in the farthest corner of his mind somewhere so he could live life normally and not even subconsciously use his abilities to exert exhaustion upon himself. He had used the last bit of it to close the last gate, he had ended the nightmarish yearly curses Hawkins would befall.

~

El stood before your house that was now up for rent and she held a letter in her hand that you wrote just for her, with a yellow and white daisy wrapped inside neatly. El didn't tell anyone what she read in its contents and as mentioned she discarded the letter in the lake there.

You moved away with him, to start new, in a small little place in Lenora Hills, California. The sea was closer from here, you could see it from your home up on the hill. The sunsets were even more beautiful as you and Peter were curled up in a hanging hammock chair on your porch. Legs entangled and your body resting on his. The turbulent storm of a life you two lead finally seemed to settle to dust, but the calmness that was so foreign was also so gratifying and forgiving as it lulled you two in its arms. Your hand was resting by his face, your thumb running gentle circles over his skin while his hand ran up and down your back in a feathery touch. Words weren’t needed much, the gentle kisses you both stole, the loving glances you shared and the beckoning of your souls to fall into each other’s arms seemed to do all the talking. Just you and Peter.