#I figured I should update the blog once in awhile

[tak-unbound]

I suppose humans had the saying right when they said boots with the fuzz.

[cinamun]

Tumblr refused to post today's update <- because they prolly thought HoJay was fuckin. You know how staff be watching me. Anyway, once my post passed the review board I figured I should update my new friends on just whose pickup looks about to run directly into a shoeless Mercy in the snow

I actually madeover Rory awhile ago, but once I posted them, some of my friends were intrigued because ... obvious reasons.

Then @beebeesiims sent me an ask that turned into an AU where Things™ occurred....

So yeah, if you don't recognize the pickup driver, you might be new and that's okay. If you search the "what if" tag on my blog you'll find all parts of the mini-story inspired by my friend Bee's ask.

While Rory Oaklow is now a guest star and this little situationship is officially canon, I think we should still stay tuned because Rory is quite literally a beast. Meaning....

Mercy has went from one precarious situation to another.

[imfinereallyy]

🧡Oh hey there!🧡

Welcome to ✨my blog✨. I'm Rae and I'm just trying my best here. My main topic here is Steddie and Stranger Things all around. I have completely spiraled and hyper fixated on it since Volume 1, and it's been consuming my brain ever since. This post is mainly to say hi!, let you know a few things and give you access to my main posts.

Let this be known as a safe space (especially for the LGBTQ+ community) and I will not tolerate hate. This is a place for kindness and creativity.

I love making friends so feel free to message me, or send me prompts! 🥰

Some of my writing does involve mature themes, so keep that in mind while scrolling. I am 24, and despite feeling like I'm stuck at 16 some days, I am an adult. So please proceed with caution when necessary. I will try my best to properly tag things.

If you want to check out my work on ao3, which has a mix of stuff from tumblr and new stuff, you can click here.

Here is the masterlist of my fics so far! *updated 7/26/23 completely, in process of update 4/26/24

Series:

Father Figures (completed and available on ao3)

pt. 1

pt. 2

I wonder if you look both ways (When you cross my mind) 🐝･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･✦ʚɞ (ongoing)

pt. 1

pt. 2

pt. 3

pt. 4

Tattooed Steve (ongoing)

pt. 1

pt. 2

The Long Con (ongoing) (available on ao3)

pt. 1

pt. 2

Sibling Adventures of El and Steve (ongoing)

(still steddie heavy, and can be read stand-alone, not majorly connected)

Dad's going to be angry

Sleep Demon

Quality Time

more el and steve

✧˖°.AO3 FICS✧˖°.

Craved Oblivion Series (Hunger Games AU) *ongoing*

A Martyr's Lullaby *completed*

tbd

tbd

Better Late than Never (Just Don't Make Me Wait Forever) 

But You'll Have This Place to Call Home, Always 

Father Figures 

The Long Con *ongoing*

Huggin' and a-kissin', dancin' and a-lovin'

One Shots:

Say "I love you" before you go

Father's Day

Good Morning

Is This Okay?

First Kiss

“You Hurt Me” (real title pending)

Take the Crisis Back

Emergency Kiss

Deja Vu

Drugs are Kicking in

Eavesdropping

Placeholders

Celebrate Softly

After the Beep

Track 7

Birthday Parties and Secret Signals

(these are more popular ones/or really recent ones I have too many to list! There are plenty more in my blog if you’re curious. Most should be tagged with #mywriting or #writingprompts)

I also have plenty of writing prompts, as my brain runs a mile a minute, and I adore it when people feel inspired by my writing so feel free to explore.

I hope you enjoy! Get comfy and stay awhile :)

Things I would like to note: Homophobia, Transphobia, Sexism, Racism, etc. are absolutely not tolerated here. As stated earlier the idea is to create a safe space for everyone. If I or anyone that interacts with my blog upsets you, please don't feel shy to message me. My asks (with anon) and messages are open, even if it's just to chat (also keep in mind once again I am an adult). Don't bully the children either, they are just trying their best. Please and thank you. 💖

[birdbrainweekly]

Research blog until GSA: Day 11 of 25

I have good news and bad news,

the bad news: I didn't wake up sick this morning

the good news: last night while I was toiling away on perplex, it finally happened. The golden ratio, a beautiful small window where cordierite and rutile coexist with a realistic ferric iron ratio.

I will say I slept like a rock after that, I felt like my woes had been answered,

only to half to go in in the morning and be like "Okay was the iron ratio realistic though?"

It should be hard, but the way I use perplex makes it a bit more tedious, I think that I mentioned in the beginning of the series that perplex typically used major element oxides, but I can't use that for everything because want to understand what phases are in the fluids, so instead of using H2O? I use H2 and O2, and instead of adding Fe2O3 and FeO, I have to put my total iron into FeO and add the amount of O2 to oxidize it to the proper ratio. Its no big deal really until you have to check your work.

Anyway! after about 2 hours of tinkering I was satisfied with my little diagram and I moved on to tackling the raman! The issue we were having with the raman, is running a spectrum analysis and it always reading as "Almandine", I tickered with it for awhile and fixed the problem and began analysizing some of my minerals (practicing on ones I knew the ID of) and figured out good ratios to run the laser power at to reduce background.

I was also having some issues with it caring more about the magnitude of the measurement more than its distinguishing peaks, which was once again just something that had to be changed in the settings. Overall, it felt really good giving myself enough time to explore my thin sections and learn the instrument, because most of the interactions I have had with it since we got it was just calibrating it, zooming around a little bit and then shutting it down because I had other work to prioritize.

I will try to take more images of it next week as I work hard to really refine how to use the instrument for basic analyses.

Anyway, I went home, took a walk, and I was planning to work more this evening, but I am thinking I just want to end the day on a high note where everything went right today.

(I will be working over this weekend btw, so still expect updates)

[d3-iseefire]

I Have Done A Thing!

When the pandemic hit it kind of wrecked the industry I work in, which led to me needing to pick up a second job which THEN led to me not having much time to write (I looked for a new job outside my industry but it was one of those things of “you’ve worked so long in one thing that your skills are outdated and you can’t afford to go back to school and no one will hire you in a new industry unless you have experience, which you can’t get unless someone hires you!”)

Anyway, I’m doing okay with the two jobs, but I’ve been sad that I couldn’t write as much and one of my close friends suggested that, since writing is my passion, I should try making that my second job and see how that might go. They also suggested starting a Patreon for if any of my readers want to see the process of me trying to write an original story. I created two other tiers for short stories and just blog style posts soooo, yeah, it’s there. Obviously, zero pressure or obligation - my original book will be released eventually on Amazon once I get it done (if you subscribe to the Patreon tier I’ll probably make like a PDF download of the completed file for you at the end of it so you’ll have a free copy).

So, yeah! I do want to keep trying to write my fanfiction, but I’ve also, even before the work stuff, been wanting to focus more on my original stuff and trying to make a little bit of a living off it so this has been coming for awhile.

Anyhoo, I’m just starting out on this and will definitely be trying to find my way so apologies in advance if it’s not totally polished and such right out of the gate. For anyone who wants to subscribe and follow, THANK YOU. I can say my imposter syndrome is strong right now but I’m trying my best to step outside of my comfort zone and see how it goes! :D I’ll probably be updating once a month for now but, in the future, I’d like to try and update more often. We shall see what happens!

Ok, so that’s that. As mentioned, zero obligation or pressure or anything like that, and I don’t plan on being annoying or pushing this a lot. I just figured I’d put it out and see how it goes!

https://patreon.com/Amber_Christine_Knight?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=join_link

[captzexx]

2024

Here we go 2024.

I've made it to level 40, I guess I get a mount and extra talents. I'm still waiting for something to rear it's head appropriately for that.

So far it's not.

But if you're arriving or been for some time expecting me to do something that I say I'm gonna do, well shit. I'm sorry.

This blog is hub for all my would be writing stuff and delusions of roleplaying/collaborating with other writers in the comforting hellscape that is Tumblr. Once again I'm sorry as I can't make any promises of getting better at it.

Still down a third of myself from last year but the fear is growing as my waist kind of gets settled and muscles continue to atrophy with my growing apathy. My brain is still on a downswing as much as I fight at it punch drunk and mildly stoned.

As sad and angst laden this may be, I'm just in a mood and figured I should do a quick update as we're well out of 2023.

Onward to the content and hopefully a constructive manic episode or two.

THE BLOGS

@eldridgecandell - This is it. She ain't much, but she's the one that died and came back that I keep trying to focus on. Join me on a short explanation:

Eldridge Candell, Inquisitor of the Order of Embers, has returned to Azeroth from beyond the Veil and bein lost in the great Astral Sea. As the worlds began to collapse and the collective haze that had been the Shadowlands Conspiracy blew away so did Candell into a new world.

But it wasn't his.

Never should be or could be. He belonged where he had always been doing the thing that he was truly good at. Unfortunately that road would have be walked alone and with a whole new slew of problems. Missing students, apathetic governments, bureaucracy, and the general march of time as age catches up to any soldier.

This blog focuses on Eldridge primarily but it is not exclusive to him as I suffer/revel in alt-aholism causing me to make up a diverse cast of characters to play with the witch hunter. From Cheryl Duun a disgruntled and lost Inquisitor; Josiah Nubern a fellow apprentice of Candells who has gone over to the edge; the wandering vengeful shadow of Alfred Klaudin, a Forsaken zealot who refuses to give up his Dark Lady. More remain and are open for interaction as I make up a new cast list for them all if anyone is ever interested in playing with my version of the Order of Embers.

ON HOLD

@acrowamongsparrows - an AU of Eld as a Witcher; the show burned me so hard but every once in awhile I look at the books and wonder.

@conduitdreams - cyberpunk with robots and mecha; it just never really took off like I wanted it to or hoped others might have been interested.

@withanemeraldeye - sword and sorcery pulp adventure based around a lot of Conan Exiles and lore; another quiet experiment that is in the back of my head

@sailsonaseaoffate - the final resting place of Zexx Candell and his family, letting them sail off into the sunset among the stars in my version of Spelljammer; I might go back to it as well depending on what strikes me

@memoriesofivalice - my poor Final Fantasy 14 story blog for an AU Zexx and company; big plans but no execution as I just couldn't get enough into the game

THE FUTURE

That more or less sums up where I am at in February of 2024. I'm trying but stumbling dragging as much as I want to be productive and creative. I'm so sorry for all those I've let down in the work and play, maybe I can make it up to you and prove I've got something to say. Just need to figure out what can charge me up. Ideas are always welcome and patient words of affirmation are always gratefully appreciated.

Here we go with the rest of the year.

[bumblingbunny]

Quick Life/Blog Update

Hey guys! I hope you all are doing well! :D I’ve been wanting to write this update for awhile but have been either too tired or distracted. The reason why I let my gameplay queue run out is that I got a new job and last week was my first week! It’s been really good, but it also means I have a lot less free time than before. I’m going to do my best to keep things going on here, but it’ll probably be a little slow while I get used to working full time again.

Below the cut I have updates on my saves/plans! I tend to ramble so I feel free to skip, but if you’d like to check on something, it should be mentioned below!

Yuka and Cheli’s Save - I do have more pictures to sort/edit for this save, but I haven’t gotten a chance to play them recently because I’ve been waiting for the toddler glitch to be fixed. :\ But who knows when that will happen. I’m hoping to return to them soonish though since their kids would be the perfect ones to play through high school with!

Since gameplay is the easiest to post, you’ll probably see them again soon, but I think I’m going to start by sharing the other gameplay save I have...

Globetrotter Challenge - I’ve been wanting to play this one for a long time and have finally started it! I figured it was the perfect time since toddlers really aren’t needed for this. I have taken a bajillion pictures so far and I’ve only just started Sulani. Hopefully this will start posting later today or tomorrow!

Love and Conquest - Probably the save most people are interested in. I am still working on it and have gotten the gameplay and a lot of the planning for round 1 done. However this is easily my biggest/most intense project - and when I was feeling anxious from job searching, I just wanted to chill in CAS making pretty sims instead. I did have an idea recently though on how I can keep it to smaller and more manageable scenes that I'm probably going to go with. It’ll mean more editing, but I think it’ll be worth it!

NSB2 - This will probably return with L&C. It’s not my most interesting project, but I would like to show Harlow’s childhood especially since I’ll be continuing with her generation at some point.

S-Pop Sims - I have been inspired by @simmancy‘s spop sims and jumped on the bandwagon! I don’t know much about the industry beyond the game Idol Manager, but both Kit and Elle (@lazarish) have been helping me out a lot. My idea for this story is a lot different from my other ones, so you’ll probably see a group of posts for it here and there once I get it started.You’ve already gotten to see a bunch of the sims I made for it with my Beach Babe edits that just finished.

So these are the main saves I’m focusing on for the time being... Although I do have an idea for @samssims‘s Camp Sims theme. It requires a bit of planning but I’m hoping you’ll see that sometime in August.

If you’ve read to this point, thank you! I know that was long. I hope you have a great day though! :D

[onewomancitadel]

Hiya, it's been awhile lol

Just wanted to pop in I suppose, my classes ended so I've finally got some spare time now.

I might not send as many messages here anymore but I am still around, during my classes I'd usually message if you updated Skimming Eye but I wanna be clear I do read your other posts, it's just you put a shit ton of effort into your chapters it feels like I should give at least some base impressions rather than reading it and going "Neat."

I don't just pop in here just for fic updates, not sure if you care about that kind of thing but I wanted to tell you just in case

Speaking of Fics though, I left a Review on Wet Fire....

Horny jail is calling you home Onewomancitadel

🤣

Hope you're doing well 😄

Hi, it's great to hear from you again.

No worries, I figure some people come for my fanfic and some people come for my blog and the two don't necessarily crossover. You're free to come and go, since it is fandom and supposed to be a fun hobby, after all. I'm still here though. (:

Thank you for leaving a comment on Wet Fire! I'm not checking my inbox/replying to comments on AO3 until I've posted the next chapter of The Distance Which Fools the Skimming Eye. It's very kind of you though, and I look forward to reading it as a treat once I'm done.

I know how much effort it is to write comments, especially line-by-line (I often use Word Document for that myself), so I really don't have expectations beyond just asking for people to move on if they don't like my work. I really appreciate hearing from people who enjoy my fic though, so don't feel pressured to write comments in a certain way. Thank you for recognising my effort though, I do try really hard.

It is rather damning to be subjected to such a line I wrote in Wet Fire since I have been recently accused of being improper for shipping Knightfall as R/WBY is a kid's show and Cinder is evil. So, not really helping my case there.

I have some bad news though, I don't believe in horny jail, so you can't condemn me to that. I do think there's a difference between appropriately tagged (M-rated) fanfic of a pairing about two people in love and someone, say, with a hentai icon on a public website. (:

Hope you have a nice break! Thanks again for leaving a comment on Wet Fire. (:

[bmdrama]

My bf 30 and I 25 have been together for almost 3 years now. The main issue we've had is his bm. Now I love his son 5 years old, but she's something else.

The first time I met her was when we first started dating and she called me a fucking whore. So we haven't had the best relationship.

For a while I was doing what she wanted I stayed away whenever my bf had his son over and eventually she was fine with me being there. Everything was going good for awhile until covid got really bad. That'd when she stopped letting him come over at all.

She started claiming that he was terrified of me and he didn't want to come over. She claimed a lot of things at this point such as; I was walking around the house in just my bra and underwear around him (I don't do this even if no one's home let alone when he is over.), I told him she wasn't his mom, we apperantly took him over to someone in my family's house (both my parents are dead and I dont really talk to anyone else.).

We worked through it and he started coming over again. Which lead to half of his medication went missing. We never figured out what happened to it but for once she didn't blame it on me she blamed our roomates (which honestly I can see because one of them didn't clean like ever but this particular weekend cleaned like half the house then got really sick after).

It continued for a while of the off an on mess for a while. Then December of 2021 we broke up for a little while and he was dealing with a bunch of mental stuff and got into therapy. Between then and mothers day she was refusing to let his son come over constantly making up excuses. She let us take him out for dinner on Friday before mother's day since she wouldn't let my bf even have a single night.

That brings us to last weekend her latest excusing being he is severely allergic to cats (he never showed any reaction when we've had him around cats but whatever.) And that he was sick with a fever. If he was actually sick that'd be one thing but he showed no signs that he was off at all and he was out with her family before we came to pick him up. If he's sick should he really be around a bunch of people some who have bad health conditions and could die if they got sick.

Anyway we went to pick him up and didn't give her any other option and we had a really great weekend.

I'm using this blog to keep track of events from now on. I just need somewhere I can vent. I'm tired of the excuses it's always something. Mind you at one point I was allowed to pick him up from them by myself and then all of a sudden she wasn't ok with it anymore. I will keep updating as more bullshit happens.

[hiraeth-kittyboo]

Hey All 👋

Just felt I should do an update, as some many don't know. Why I've been super inactive w/ Tumblr...

My life presented me a major disappointment and new challenges. Including finding work I'm capable to do ("accommodation" spells failure in this economy) asap. So I've been very distracted and busy.

To any who see this - especially MOOTS! - I am not "ignoring,forgotten,or dislike" any of you! And certainly not "gone,dead,left or over" this blog! I will never leave my beloved fandom site nor friends made here💜

My focus just needs to be elsewhere right now. Know that (tho I'm not interacting) I support+love your creations and support you doing all of it🌺 moots or otherwise🤗😚 I'm figuring lots out at once that needs doing and I to be better doing it. Queue has got had stuffs and I'll still pop in for a bit maybe do somethin >3> now n then~

Feel free to still interact/tag/ask/whatever with me here cuz I will get it! Just slowly💁‍♀️ Here's to aiming for the future and hoping im not forgotten!! 🙏

-Hiraeth I'll add updates below as I make them

UPDATE click dis ->

[narumi-gens]

hi!! so i just started writing fanfics, and i was just wondering -- how do you deal w/ numbers and the whole posting online thing? while i know that i should be writing for fun and stuff (bc it is!) and that im literally JUST starting out, BUT i just.. im someone who really heavily relies on validation, and when people don't really respond to my works well (or at all), i kinda just.. feel bad ): idk.. do u have any tips?

🥺 You came to me for advice on this, anon? 🥺 Thank you so much! I’m more than happy to pass on what I’ve learned and help out a new writer. I’ve been reading/writing fanfics on-and-off in some form or another for like ten years, but especially over the last four and am happy to share some tips. There are five main things that I think can help grow your follower count and the amount of feedback you get:

Don’t feel bad about wanting validation.

Consider the platforms where you post.

Write for active fandoms and popular characters.

Post frequently.

Interact with other authors.

This got rather long so I have more info under the cut about each of these. 

1. Don’t feel bad about wanting validation.

There’s this dumb trap that we all fall into as writers that tells us that validation isn’t important and that what matters most is our love of writing. While I enjoy writing, if my stuff got no notes and no feedback then I would definitely have gotten discouraged and quit writing awhile ago. Why would I put all that effort into something if no one seems to appreciate it? There’s nothing bad about wanting people to let you know they like your writing! I get so happy when I see someone left a comment on one of my fics or went crazy in the tags or sent me an ask. And when something doesn’t get any feedback, I get depressed about it and second guess whether I should have bothered writing it. So, definitely try not to get caught up feeling bad because you want people to tell you that they liked your work. 💕

2. Consider the platforms where you post.

I only use AO3 and Tumblr, so I can’t speak to any other platforms, but posting my writing on both of these are widely different experiences. Part of the culture of AO3 is giving kudos and leaving comments, so you’re more likely to get feedback there than anywhere else. I slowly built a following on Tumblr because of my AO3, even when I wasn’t posting anything on Tumblr itself. I would really recommend checking out AO3 if you’re not already on there! You do need to request an invitation, but it only took me a couple of days to receive one. I also have 8 invitations that I haven’t sent out, so DM me if you want one and I can give you one! 

I’m sure you’ve already seen posts about this, but the unfortunate thing about writing on Tumblr is that the feedback is absolutely minuscule and I’m not sure why. There’s this awful culture on this platform of people only liking content and not reblogging it to make sure it gets shared with other users. So, you end up really reliant on your own followers and the tagging system for your works to reach people. And the tagging system is a mixed bag. Sometimes your posts don’t show up in the tags or they will but only after a couple of days. If your post gets enough notes then it might go to the top of the search feed but then only for a few days at most. 

As a sidenote to readers, this is why reblogging is so important! Even if you only have five followers or don’t leave a comment, just reblogging it means a lot to content creators!

Here are some of the tips I have for the mechanics of Tumblr:

Use the tagging system, as imperfect as it is. I think Tumblr now reads the first 20 tags in your post, so use that to your benefit. I usually always tag at least: [character name]; [character name x reader]; [fandom]; [fandom x reader]. You can always also try things like: [character name genre], [fandom genre], [fandom fanfic], [character fanfic] as well.

Make sure your blog is easy to navigate and have a masterlist that’s easy to find. If a reader sees your content on their dash and decides to check out your other works, if they can’t find them on your blog then they’ll probably just leave.

Self-reblog as much as you feel you need to for your followers who may have missed your post. I self-reblog a lot for new content over the first couple of days and then even will do a few icymi self-reblogs later as well. It also helps to have a list in your profile somewhere of your recent updates so people can easily see if they’ve missed something. 

3. Write for active fandoms and for popular characters.

This might seem like common sense, but I think it’s something to keep in mind if you want to grow your follower count and your chances of getting feedback. And there’s nothing wrong with prioritizing a fic over another just because you want more feedback. I actually really want to write something for Chainsaw Man but the fandom is so small compared to the other fandoms I write for that I’m putting it on hold until the anime comes out. 

That’s not to discourage you from writing for characters or fandoms that are less popular -- I have a bad habit of writing for niche characters and fandoms. But I always see my activity spike when I write for more popular characters. Another tip is to try and figure out which characters people are thirsting over but where there’s a lack of fics for them. You’ll also find that some characters or fandoms just have louder fans than others. The stuff I’ve written for Gojo has gotten a lot of likes and notes, but not so many comments or much feedback. But the amount of asks and thirsts I’ve gotten for Naoya is wild. This is something you’ll learn over time as you keep writing!

4. Post frequently. 

This one is annoying because writers have lives and real-world responsibilities and we can’t just write 24/7. But when you’re trying to build a following, even if you can do a couple of short drabbles a week, you’ll really start to see your follower count and feedback grow. I’m not sure if people tend to like longer or shorter fics more, but overall people are just hungry for content and if you can give it to them on a frequent or at least regular basis then they’re more likely to interact, especially if you’re taking requests. 

But don’t prioritize writing and posting content at the cost of your own well-being. As authors we’re all guilty of this at one time or another, but your followers will understand if you have writer’s block or you need to take a step back! Taking care of yourself is more important than getting feedback or interaction. ❤️

5. Interact with other authors. 

Building relationships with other authors is a big one, but it’s also probably the hardest because a lot of us (me included!) are just so shy about reaching out! It’s like asking someone on a date or trying to be friends with someone you really admire. I know it’s scary to come off of anon (I still sometimes send asks on anon!), but authors recognize the names we see often in our notes and in our inboxes and we’re all really nice, I promise! 🥰 And I’m much more likely to read the fics of my mutuals and the people I follow than I am to be searching through the tags.

And I think there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to an author you love and politely asking if they’ll read your work. I think it’s totally okay to send something like, “I really love your writing and wanted to know if it’s alright if I share this fic I just posted with you? I’ve seen you thirsting over [character] and think you might like it if you have the time to read it!” The worst they can do is turn you down. I would never be upset over getting an ask like that as long as it was polite and the person was understanding that I might not have time to read their fic. But, I know that this is really scary to ask of someone. I’ve only done it once or twice, so maybe I don’t have any ground to stand on here, but I really think you should try it even if you need to send the ask on anon first.

Please just be mindful of an author’s rules before reaching out.

Another added bonus is that authors are more likely to reblog and give you feedback on the stuff you write because we’re in the exact same boat as you! We’re the perfect audience. 

And don’t forget...

Growing your follower count and reaching the level of feedback you want takes time. If you’re just starting out, don’t get discouraged. The more you write, the better you get so even if you’re not getting the feedback you want now, that doesn’t meant that you never will! 

And of course, pay it back in kind. Just how you want people to interact with your fics, we want the same. I always try to leave comments on the fics I read on AO3 and always reblog the fics I like on Tumblr and try to go wild in the tags so that the author knows that I loved their works. 

I hope you found all of this useful, anon! Best of luck with your writing! 💕

[sarah-serendipity-other-things2]

An update and temp goodbye from this blog

I made this blog recently in an attempt to let some stuff out that I couldn’t even work through with friends or family. Because I was just not being honest with myself fully or even them to the level an anonymous blog would allow me to be. Essentially for a long time. Longer than I would care to admit. I’ve been ignoring my heart and operating in a way that, to be clear, was me. But wasn’t the me I like to be. When I date someone. Or at least when I dated my first love I am all in. Nobody and nothing else matters to me in a room alone with that person. Like. He was my world. I would have done anything for him.

And a lot of my personality in general. I would do anything, like Jump in front of a train for anyone I love. I just hate to upset anyone and I want to just protect everyone. So. Long story short. I ran from my first love. And he ran from me and blocked me out. And in so many ways we were just kids in a love that we both knew would lead to marriage and we both got afraid, because we both had so much trust in the other and as a result so much fear. And since him. I would laugh as I dated other people and be like damn I got some commitment issues now why is that. And would just laugh it off. But in reality and what I realized through these last few months. I had commitment issues because my heart was never fully with me. It still in many ways belonged to A. So I never really stood a chance with anyone else. And it wasn’t fair to them.

I dated another amazing guy for many years but he and I have been honest with one another. And we knew for awhile things were not okay. But he’s such a great guy he wants nothing but to see me succeed and figure out my mental health as it has declined to a level that scared him and my family and friends. Unfortunately the reality of the situation with him is. I have to focus on me and my mental health but he also knows fully. I’m in love with my first love. In a way. Idk how to explain. It has always felt. Like. I was attached to him by a string. And it makes me cry to even start to write this. Because I think in some silly way I hope one day he stumbles upon these words. But I know he probably never will.

But people have been asking me why I’ve dropped off the face of social media. Gone MIA. been so sad. And all I say is. Oh I’m just going through it. But how do you say: the man I’ve been with for years wanted to marry me and I could never agree because I recently let myself feel what needed to. And I haven’t felt the same about anyone like I did with A. And knowing I hurt A and yes he has hurt me in ways that have broken me, but fundamentally knowing he was hurting and felt the same way as me this entire time we just weren’t brave enough to pull the plug. Knowing I ever caused someone I love and respect and admire so much, pain, has been overwhelming. And the boy I have been seeing. Knowing I caused similar pain to such a great guy because I mean. He can’t be A. and I can’t keep hoping he will somehow become A. It isn’t fair to him. Knowing I’m gonna be single for awhile.

It’s heavy. As an empath knowing all this pain has been caused feeling it all and your own at once. I mean. If I’m being honest it nearly killed me. And I’ve had really bad days but I’m feeling like. I’m finally working my way out of it. But before. My friends and family almost had to call doctors. My best friend was so desparate watching me drop so much weight she did something I can’t even be mad at her for. It’s just been a wild journey. I’ve never been so heart broken and overwhelmed. And i can say it now. Because i hope and pray I’m out of the thick of it. But I was contemplating ending everything, and taking myself out of the equation. Because for me I just felt everyone’s pain and I was like well I guess I caused this by not realizing what I realize now so I should just remove myself to make everyone’s lives easier. And it was a super dark place. One I don’t know if I’m fully out of. But. I’m healed enough to talk about it here more. But it was scary. My family almost lost me. And I say this praying this isn’t just a temp fix and I don’t go back to that place.

So. I say all this and tbh. I could keep ranting for years. And I’m so happy this is private. But. There’s so much more to it. Today I feel like giving up. Like I’ve fought the fight for my person I’ve done so many months of praying and hoping and checking whatever I can to make sure he’s okay. And today is just. I had dreams all about him. And it feels like. If this person is meant for me then I leave it to the universe now to make it happen. I am killing myself trying to be apart of his life. Show him I care. But at some point he’s gotta show me the same. Neither of us are gonna be successful in any future relationship if we don’t heal or. If we don’t admit the truth and try if it is as special a connection as we both had believed. Then fuck let’s try.

But I can’t make that type of decision for both of us. So I’m not giving up on him fully. But I’m releasing or giving up my focus on him doing what I hope I want him to do. I believe in him. And I love him. And my god when he smiles. And laughs. I feel safe and happy. And I know. If he was ever truly honest with himself, If he pictured me walking in a room with him. What would he do? I know he would hug me. And we would run to one another. The intensity in our connection physically and mentally is just unmatched. But unfortunately distance plays a role that allows him to mentally distance himself from me.

And unfortunately I can’t keep putting words and emotions in his mouth. He has to speak and have the courage to say what he feels so we can heal together. I love him in a way I will never be able to explain to anyone. And I want him back. But I need to let the universe and him. Take control of his own life.

So this leads me to this blog. I loved this blog for awhile but lately it’s been a bit of torture seeing so many sad quotes I relate to. Seeing love quotes and songs that make me think of him. It’s just becoming a bit much. So I’m taking a temporary hiatus. I’m trusting in the universe and him. And I’m not going to be posting for as long as I mentally need to step back

I hate the word giving up. So for now I’m just. Stepping back. And I love and pray. The solution and resolution is on its way. I love you A. And I’m sorry things got messy but if I’m ever going to be ready for any love like ours if it can’t be with you, I need to heal myself too.

Bye for now.

[ddaenghoney]

chapter eleven

masterlist link in blog description.

As a successful songwriter, you want nothing more than the acknowledgment that the chart-topping musical pieces are your own creations. But contracts, relationships, and the difficulty of facing the stakes involved head on, keep your mouth shut until pressure builds too much.

Pairing(s): Park Jimin x Y/N, Min Yoongi x Y/N

disclaimer: any characters depicted do not represent the actual personality of the respected idol in real life.

Series warning(s)/genre(s): Chapter-based written fic, Slow-burn relationship(s), Fake-dating, Unrequited love, Songwriter/producer!oc, idol!Jimin, idol/songwriter/producer!Yoongi, friends with benefits, drama, romance, smut, angst, fluff (updated as needed)

Chapter warning(s): none; just that sweet, sweet character growth.

Word count: 5302

if you enjoy please, please let me know!

You slide two fingers along the trackpad of your laptop, scrolling to the next page of song lyrics that you just finished the evening before. A more somber mix of words to fit the ballad that the group needed for their next album. You rub your jaw as you count syllables, checking the rhyme scheme, then your head tilts as you begin to discern whether the whole thing sounds understandable. Though the track’s ambiguous nature gives it character, deluding the true intention entirely isn’t what you want.

“You know,” Your eyes narrow at the interruption Namjoon’s voice brings, along with some cups of variously colored froths. He hunches over the bartop casually doodling art atop the latte’s white foam top as he continues along, “I think you should take a lawyer with you this time around.”

“What’s the point if I’m just going to resign to, likely, the same terms as before?” You sigh, curling a lock of hair around your finger as you think about the meeting upcoming in a few days. If it was like the first one there would only be Yerin, her secretary, and the company’s primary lawyer that wrote out the first contract.

“But that’s what I’m saying; if you bring along your own lawyer, then they can help argue some change.” He says in a small voice that’s mostly focused with perfecting the lines of a dog image. “It can’t hurt to try, right?”

“She’s just so dead set against any of what I’ve said about receiving credit before though.” You mumble, trying to get back to your own work with hope that he’ll drop the topic that he’s been bringing up periodically ever since you received notice of the meeting.

“You’ve worked for them for five years now.” Namjoon lifts up his head from the design, eyes decisively staring into your own as he speaks with conviction, “They owe you change, even if it isn’t a complete one-eighty from how things have gone so far. They’re shitty people if they don’t treat you like a human by this point.”

You smile at him, dryly speaking the reality, “They’re a business.”

“They’re only doing well because of you. That’s undeniable.” He smiles in return, bringing forth a bit of pride for you as his friend. Namjoon straightens up, stretching his arms as he nudges the drink towards you, “If you threaten to leave then maybe they’ll change their mind about the contract? Here take this, I’m still not good at this kind of latte art.”

Your chin rests on your palm while you glance to the drink. It presents a cute fluffy blue dog, with admittedly oddly positioned eyes. You refrain from laughter. “Looks better than the flower you tried last week. Thanks, Joon.”

Namjoon nods, moving the cups off with a smile as he turns to the sink behind him. Figuring he’s bugged you enough about the lawyer idea for the day he leaves it be, returning to the atmosphere before as he turns down the bar while Jinsol exits with two plates of food for customers.

“Yoongi was also telling me that I should get a lawyer.” You say on your own, not thinking that you could potentially give Namjoon hope that you’ll eventually agree with the two of them by keeping the conversation going. He turns back to you, wiping his hands dry on a rag. “Even said he’d get his lawyer friend to go with me if I wanted. Someone named Kim Taehyung.”  

“How much does he charge?”

“Yoongi said he’d do it for free as a favor to him,” You shrug, taking a slow sip of the drink to see if it was too hot. “They’re good friends and have known each other for awhile.” Namjoon nods, arms crossing as his eyebrows furrow in consideration to the news. “But you and Yoongi need to stop acting like Yerin won’t just drop me if I start talking about changing the contract this seriously.”

“Y/N, you’ve given them more than ninety percent of their musical repertoire. That’d be the most idiotic business decision she could make.” Namjoon frowns, trying to find a reason for why you’re unable to see how much of an asset you are for SoundWave even though they treat you oppositely.

“And I’d take away one hundred percent of their reputation if the public finds out how much I have to do with that, Joon.” You trace the circumference of the ceramic with your index finger, eyeing the art that had further disfigured after you took a sip. “They can go on without me involved, and there’s no reason to keep me if I’m just going to destroy everything they’ve worked for. Cost-benefit analysis is what they call it in the business world, right?”

“Well, no, but close enough,” Namjoon leans back against the counter. “To be honest, even if they give you just a few pieces credited here and there, that would be a big improvement, don’t you think? You could start there.”

You nod, hearing your phone vibrate beside your laptop to alert you of a text, but ignoring it so you can explain the most recent nail in your coffin. “But since I’m now ‘Yoongi’s girlfriend’ any credits they give to me are going to look suspicious as hell.” You watch Namjoon blink evidently not considering that idea before. He all the sudden sighs gruffly and rubs his neck,

“Fuck, I bet that CEO did that on purpose too.” You nod as his bitterly spoken assessment, having come to that conclusion previously. Considering how frighteningly calculative Yerin is, that’s definitely within the scope of possibility. “She really pisses me off, Y/N.”

“Me too, but, fuck, she does her job well, right?” You huff and then take another long gulp of the latte while Namjoon’s head shakes slowly in contemplation. “I can see why the board lets her handle so much stuff independently of them. She has everything figured out.”

A part of you is willing to believe she set the past five years up like a chess board, strategizing from the advent of their song contest. Perhaps only looking for one or two interesting enough songwriters to trap into the pawn slots and lead the company to success at exponential rates. The lens that seemed clairvoyant and absent of illusion in the pitch to work longer in the company, all selected carefully to tie into the bigger picture Yerin created.

With how finely woven the company is, collectively seemed together to stop the outside from seeing what truly goes on behind the scenes, it’s almost believable in retrospect that Yerin had this picture in mind from the beginning.

You’d like to think there are things unforeseeable, however. Hopeful in that respect, though you can’t grasp a thought of what would shake up Yerin’s disposition so that she would agree to new terms in your contract.

“Maybe I’ll take Yoongi up on his offer…” You ponder aloud, not catching Namjoon’s eyes open wider with excitement at your voice. You finally go to your phone, checking it to see a new message,

Yoongi, 4:56pm: If you’re not busy can you call me?

“You should.” Namjoon’s blurt is out into the air as an uncontainable rambling. One loud enough to catch the attention of other patrons if only for a quick glance. You smile at your friend’s eagerness to jump onto that little sway of opinion, watching him nod longer. “If you’re dealing with legal stuff you should involve a lawyer-- even if you don’t think it’ll help. Why not, right?”

“Legal ‘stuff’, huh?” You giggle when Namjoon rolls his eyes smiling despite you cutting him off to tease. “He wants me to call him, so I’ll ask.”

“Wants you to?” Namjoon raises an eyebrow, though the lightness of his lips insinuate he’s somehow pleased with your news. It’s your turn to roll your eyes, and then attempt shooing Namjoon off with your hand, but he doesn’t budge as he questions with a large smile forming, “Bet he misses you like you miss him-”

“Stop, you know it isn’t like that.” Your lips frown, wishing he wouldn’t bring that subject up even as a joke. Namjoon’s lips clamp, but his teasing expression remains, seemingly undeterred by your weak rebuttal. “Not actually dating, Joon.” Namjoon only nods to which you sigh, shifting on the stool to face slightly away from him. “He probably just wants to complain about it being cold where he’s at.”

“Okay,” Namjoon nods again, stepping once down the bar to start assisting with a newly entered party. “Warm him up with your voice then-”

“Fuck off!” You watch him scamper off like a startled cat, and shake your head at him hitting his hip against the corner of the bar. You bite your lip when Namjoon glances back at you with a pained expression from the collision, but nonetheless gives you a thumbs up to cheer you on in your phone call endeavor even though you think he’s acting ridiculous.

It takes only a moment to open the message thread with Yoongi, then click into the contact information to call. You skim through the lines on your laptop screen as quickly as you are able to while the line buzzes in wait. Three beeps and Yoongi’s voice registers in an answer,

“Hello?” He sounds somewhat puzzled and surprised and there’s a small moment that you think you should’ve texted him first, but you go ahead and respond,

“Hey, you wanted me to call?” The screen before you becomes a blur, its shine leading you to shut it close as you listen in on Yoongi’s voice when he says back sheepishly,

“I did, yeah. Just because I’m kind of bored here,” His volume lowers into a mumble as he goes on, making you smile gently. “Ah, but if you’re busy then don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not. Just looking over some lyrics, but I’ve been messing with them since yesterday practically nonstop, so I should probably take a break.”

Yoongi hums, recalling the texts back and forth the day before where you’d mentioned the words not sounding just right. Lying back into the armchair in the green room, he stretches an arm, voice as comforting to your ears as usual, “You at least went to sleep though, right?”

“Yeah,” You tighten your lips after the response, feeling a beat pass as you try and mumble the next part quickly and quietly, “At four, but-”

“Four?” Yoongi chuckles begrudgingly, rubbing his face with his hand, and then sighs in discontentment, “You’re worse than I am.”

“Is that a compliment?” You ask him innocently, trying to navigate away from the potential reprimand for your sleeping habits as if you hadn’t done the same in response to some of the unruly hours Yoongi has said he’s fallen asleep at too. He just laughs on the other side of the line, causing you to bite your lip and try a new conversation that you’re sure would be something he’d react to like Namjoon, “About the lawyer friend of yours… Do you think he’d still be available for the meeting?”

---

Kim Taehyung stands pleasantly in the lobby of the company when you arrive days later. He greets you with a bright smile that makes you wonder if he can actually be as intimidating as Yoongi stated he is in contractual meetings. With his perfectly wrinkle-free suit, clearly tailored for himself, and luxuriously bronze leather suitcase, you can at least say his appearance is telling enough that his finances at least back-up a success record.

“So just to make sure we’re on the same page from the conversation on the phone,” He gestures for you to enter the elevator before himself as he speaks, following you along inside. “I’m here mostly for appearances, correct?”

“Well,” Your voice is high, smile sheepish from the verbiage used to describe Taehyung’s involvement, “Yeah-- but I’d still like to argue a little for it, but,” You pause, thinking that your own disposition seems weak and not positive for the outlook you want to search for in this meeting. “I just don’t want them to fire me for arguing too much, if that makes sense.”

“Although it’s certainly not proper for them to fire you for something as common as negotiating the terms of your contract, I understand why you’re apprehensive to speaking up about it because of the inherent hierarchical differences between you and the CEO. Nevertheless, I’ll take your lead for how much you would like to push for adjustments.” Taehyung speaks with ease, words flowing like silk. Relaxing as it is to have someone like him ready to discuss details on your behalf, you still find the idea daunting.

Even if by some grand means you succeed in somehow regaining all the rights to songs you write and music produced, what will that make the company think of you? Beyond Yerin and the board of directors, exists coworkers you know fondly, some as friends, and some simply respected. People with their own ambitions and work that they try to build high like yourself, and now you stand in an elevator on the way to an office to potentially crack the glass of the established.

As you exit from the elevator on the top floor, Yerin’s head secretary rises from her desk with a smile of familiarity. She gestures across from her to empty waiting chairs, stating pleasantly that Yerin is currently busy, but the meeting is expected to go on as scheduled. You simply nod at her words, sitting in the seats with Taehyung while your mind wraps around the situation about to unfold.

You aren’t so naive to believe that she’ll shut you up from the first word of contention, but where beyond that she’ll let it wander is unknown to you. It’s unimaginable that Yerin’s face would even concave with any shock or fret about this topic, because there’s never been a moment that you’ve witnessed her out of control. The way that the company operates, is organized, stays on top is thanks to her collectiveness. Ethical or not.

Your phone buzzes, jolting nerves across your spine that collected in tense shoulders.

Yoongi, 1:57pm: Hopefully you’re not already in the meeting room, but I just wanted to tell you it’ll all be okay no matter what happens.

You exhale through your lips, reaching to fiddle with your hair as a smile tries to force its way on your lips.

Y/N, 1:58pm: About to go in. Thank you so much Yoon.

“Ms. Y/N,” Your eyes lift from your phone as the secretary calls out to you, “She’ll be ready in just a moment.”

You begin to nod, smile politely in return though the action freezes when the doors to Yerin’s office open. Because of the oddness of coincidences, you stare in a stunned silence as black boots clatter on the tile while Jimin walks out of the office, bowing his head in goodbye to those in the room as he does so. Profanity of different calibers jumble around in your mind, rising in internal volume as the door behind him shuts and Jimin’s eyes find your person.

A moment feels like it freezes, as though crossing paths is unheard of to the both of you. In reality, you’ve both spoken to one another since the party, as short and dismissive the comments in various meetings were. But outside of that space, there’s something unnatural about passing along each other still. You know it’s mutually felt, because Jimin’s eyes remain on you longer than they should, returning your stare that unconsciously questioned what he would do.

Then you wonder why he left Yerin’s office to begin with. Though she is not absent of communication with employees, the setting appears more formal, rather than a casual check on how he’s been. With his manager nowhere to be seen, it leaves the question unanswered as Jimin finally steps along.

Returning focuz from you, he goes to the elevator unspoken. Like he would’ve months ago while you were both secretly involved, but in the current time, it leaves your throat with a tiny knot. Words and actions of the party flash through your mind, and you try to shake it off when the sound of the elevator dings off to your side. You just look at your phone,

Yoongi, 2:00pm: Let me know how things go afterwards, I’ll be here to listen.

Jimin steps into the elevator, turning on his heel to face the front and reach to click the button to his floor. His eyes moves reflexively towards you once more, curious of why you sit evidently waiting to speak to Yerin. He bites his lip, worrying in his thoughts of what she had just mentioned to him, but the tension in his jaw subsides as he takes in your expression. A soft curl of your lips gazing down at your phone, reminiscent of times in the past, Jimin can’t help but remember in that moment.

As the elevator door shuts, he feels every morsel of air filling in his chest that wants to be expelled, but his lips stay in a blank line, while Jimin stares at his blurry silhouette reflected in the elevator door. He has no right to feel the prickling that fights with the oxygen in his lungs, but the image of your brightened expression is infectious to his focus in a way that doesn’t feel good. Regretful.

Jimin shakes his head, sighing as long as possible. He watches the reflection’s arm move with his own as he strokes back his hair, suddenly hit with a harder wave of that emotion. The emotion that was never about you and always about himself. Unchanged still, as he learned from that meeting that went absolutely no where he wanted it to but to further doubt his own capabilities in his career.

He blinks, lips pursing into a frown only to stop a groan from escaping. He instead clicks his tongue, stretching his neck as the elevator stops on his floor. No matter what you’re there for, Jimin hopes you get what you want out of it. The thought strikes him into a standstill when he steps through the door. Jimin’s lips part, wondering why the selfishness escaped from his mind just like that.

In the waiting area before Yerin’s office, the secretary rises as a man exits the elevator. You know from past times that he’s the head contract lawyer, and the memories of his snarky way of speaking nearly cause your eyes to roll outright, but you just hold it in exhaling a breath instead. Taehyoung looks through his phone beside you, presumably through his calendar from your vague glimpse to it, so he’s unaware of the lawyer feet away casting him a look that turns into a stunned stair.

Your eyebrow raises in interest, gathering that in one way or another through the lawyer community, you suppose, that he recognizes Taehyung. You leave it be to speculation, not taking the initiative to alert Taehyung to the lawyer’s somewhat hostile stare because he quickly scampers off into Yerin’s office anyways.

Any kind of reputation to garner that reaction you’re happy with, if you’re honest. That lawyer always pissed you off with his disrespectful deposition anyways.

“Ms. Baek is ready for you both now.”

Taehyung stands before you, doing nothing to question the long sigh that you make. Gathering that you loathe the meeting and are evidently nervous, he thinks the reaction is rather common. Still he’s encouraging when you finally stand beside him, smiling optimistically at you with a thumbs up acted out with his free hand.

The contrast of the other lawyer’s reaction to how mellow Taehyung acts towards you makes you snicker, and return the thumbs up. A little lighter on your feet from his easy to along with personality and Yoongi’s gently comforting texts, you lead the way this time, entering through the doorway as the secretary politely opens it for the two of you.

“So he was her to represent Ms. Y/N, after all.” Nam Dohyun greets the two of you before Yerin who sits calmly in her desk chair ignoring the jab-like remark of her lawyer. “Kim Taehyung independently representing two of our employees now. How coincidental, I wonder if you’ve asked your other client to hand out business cards for you.”

You think the argumentative way Dohyun speaks to Taehyung is odd, considering the fact that meetings like this tend to have outside lawyers assist the employees. Up until now, you’ve likely been one of the odd few who have refrained from seeking independent advice, so perhaps there’s animosity in the business relationship between the two that you don’t know about. You assume the other client Dohyun referred to is Yoongi, which allows your mind to speculate shortly that in the merger maybe there had been alterations made in Yoongi’s contract or other negotiations. Definitely something if Taehyung is already seen in a threatening manner as Dohyun leads you to believe.

“Referrals only, actually.” Taehyung smiles pleasantly, though rather feigned as Dohyun and you feel the chill he sends out. Yerin sighs, standing from her desk,

“Mr. Nam, watch your tone.” She gestures with her hand to the long table set aside for smaller meetings such as this one. “Let’s continue this there, since there are more people than anticipated.”

“This should be a short meeting, I believe.” Dohyun speaks first as the two parties sit across from one another. He reaches into his suitcase to bring about the paperwork as he continues along. “Because there’s been no true push for change, I’m happy to assume that the terms of your contract are still very suitable to what you want out of your position here, ma’am. Financially, I’m positive it will only become more lucrative as the company continues to grow and your royalties continue gathering how more money than someone such as yourself would know what to do with.”

Your lips tighten into a line as Dohyun’s insulting, calm voice rambles irritably along. Refraining from showcasing the annoyance, you try to keep your mind occupied on Yerin as she sits across from you poised. Her eyes follow the path the contract makes across the table, and she’s empty of fervent emotions, simply monitoring the ordeal until her voice is needed.

Taehyung slides the top copy in front of you, while he takes the bottom one for himself to skim through. You finally break away from trying to extract any information about the state of Yerin’s attitude from her expressions, and join in a fast read through. Entirely similar to the first one you signed years earlier, but the percentage of earning through royalties is raised by a considerable margin.

You consider its new amount as a move from Yerin. She knows you’re dissatisfied, and even if Dohyun acts oblivious to that fact, you believe the entire board would have information about the fact. So this increase in revenue, which would tremendously strengthen your financial assets is put in place as an attempt to nullify your mouth. Maybe Yerin thinks money is where the discontentment stems from.

“I’m sure you recognize the pay increase you’ll be receiving through royalties in this new version of the contract. All other terms are kept the same. However, because of the assistance your work has done to bring so much success to the company, we believe that you deserve more recognition through improved finances. It’s quite a lucrative opportunity for someone as young as you are.”

Though you pay little attention to the verbal ego stroke of Dohyun, you nod absently to his words, flipping the page as you try to search for any other changes. Even though he said royalty percentage is the only difference, you give a chance that there is more. A surprise alteration that would actually make you ecstatic in the way that money would never do. But there is no such thing.

It makes you bite your inner cheek that you’re so hesitant now to sign again where years earlier you were so eager you barely cared about listening to Dohyun ask you to take a few minutes to consider. Perhaps it’s maturity, or just dissatisfaction.

You glance towards Taehyung who sits waiting for your reactions to the contract. You slide the paper back to him, not catching Yerin’s eyes narrow slightly from your actions.

“My client is actually interested in adjustments to the contract that are unrelated to finances.” He says fluidly, pushing their contracts to the center of the table so that there is space for his briefcase as he sets it down. “Using her last contract, I revised it with new points of what she desires to change.”

Yerin takes the contract from Taehyung as he stands to properly hand them off, while Dohyun snatches it with a small, unhidden glare. She reads through it silently, while you watch with an increasingly heavy heartbeat. Trying your best to ignore the rumblings beside her from the company lawyer, you instead cast all your attention to Yerin who undoubtedly is more important for how this will play out. She sets the contract down, prompting Dohyun to sit upright and ready himself to speak until Yerin raises her hand to keep him quiet,

“Y/N, I’ve told you before that allowing you to receive public credit for songwriting and production will only lead to dissent from the public. It’ll irredeemably tarnish the reputation of SoundWave and every single idol or group that works out of the company, as well as those of us involved in the original terms of your contract from the beginning.” Her hand rests back on the table as she finishes her direct speech, nothing more than the smallest crease of her brows to indicate that Yerin is at the most irritated that you have continued to bring this argument up.

You feel Taehyung’s eyes as he looks to you, waiting further to gauge how far you’re willing to take this attempt. But the indecision of what you want feels like a tormenting battle, because what she says is true. Undeniably, there would be so much negative repercussions for this change, especially if any word gets out that the artists have all been simply lying about how much they work for themselves.

Even if you are rightfully owed acknowledgement that the creations are yours, it’ll come at the cost of so many careers and reputations that it feels greedy. You know it’ll do more harm for SoundWave than good for you in the public’s perspective, but it hurts watching everyone around you claim what you made is theirs.

“I realize that.” You say carefully, hands in your lap knotted into fists to help you maintain composure. “That’s why the contract only specifies that a certain percentage of music would be properly credited to me. The idols will still largely be seen as the songwriters and producers that the public think they are, I’ll just be added in like some of the other names you allow into the credits.”

“Which songs? At your discretion or ours?” Yerin asks rhetorically, earning an irritated glower from Taehyung who still sits beside you in silence to let you lead. “And what happens when this contract’s terms aren’t enough to satisfy your selfish desire to have your name in all of the albums? Are we simply supposed to grandfather out the perception that our idols are self-sufficient until it has transferred to being completely engineering by songwriters and producers behind the scene, and assume the public will simply be on board to go along with such an outrageous idea?”

You sit still, watching as Yerin’s sentences end leaving her with visible scowl. Clearly annoyed now. Similar to the anger that she expressed towards you, Yoongi, and Jimin months earlier, but presently it’s because of your own stubbornness. Though her own unyielding demands are also to blame, so tension releases from your fists and your eyes tighten into a glare,

“Your plan right now is to continue to lie to the public. The reputation of this company is already destroyed, it’s just waiting for them to find out. Keeping me locked in a contract that forces me to lie with you all isn’t my fault. I didn’t make the original contract that puts business gain above public trust. And frankly, I’m not trying to ruin SoundWave right now, I just want my name next to my songs. The artists still sing them, perform them, make money from them-- this whole company capitalizes ridiculously off of my work, and all I’m asking for is my name to be public.”

Beside you Taehyung watches curiously, a bit surprised that the eruption of a speech left you with such an intense disposition opposite to how nervous you were when meeting with him at the lobby. But this closer resembles what Yoongi mentioned about you to him.

Yerin’s erect posture falters as she reclines back into her seat, eyes fixated in angry slits towards you still. Not as menacing, shifting towards a bothered stare as composure appears to regain itself in her.

She examines you, knowing you’re miles from your comfort zone, having never spoken to her like this before. There’s not a single moment in the history of you at the company where you’re appeared so set in the fire of argumentation, and on one hand it’s mutually respected by her because she realizes completely that you’re just trying to fight for what you believe necessary. Yerin can’t fault that when years earlier she’d done the same for herself to get her to where she is today, but at the same time it isn’t a quality that she can reward in this situation.

“With the addition of your public relationship with Min Yoongi, it’s even more unlikely that the public will give positive attribution to your name should you begin to be credited outright. Your first exposure will be put under scrutiny because people will assume you’re using him for the work, or that he’s manipulating the company for his own gain. In either scenario, you won’t be well received. On top of everything else it’ll do to SoundWave’s reputation. For the sake of the company, and all of its employees, including you, I can’t let your terms be agreed to.”

Candidly said as it is polite, Yerin lets her decision take over the ambience. Spilling into every molecule of air, you’re left with no choice but to consider what she says as unchangeable. Just like you expected all along. From the first time you started to ponder the idea, you knew the outcome would be as it is now.

An uncredited employee is the extent of what you can be in SoundWave.

“While I understand you’re upset,” Yerin starts again, entirely calm. Like she’s won. “There can still be made adjustments into your salary and the royalties you earn as a way to mediate your frustration-”

“It’s not about the money.” You’re voice is calm too; flowing like drops into a lake that don’t disrupt the water. And your eye contact into Yerin’s is direct as well. Incomparably challenging from that of any you’ve made with her years earlier. You can tell by her slightest of frowns that Yerin realizes this is different from other times. Unwavering like you would have been even months earlier at the beginning of the year.

Yerin opens her mouth, to try another angle, but your head shaking is enough to make her stay silent, listening as you finish the meeting in a cut,

“I won’t renew my contract then. Once the time stated in it ends, I quit.”

if you enjoy please, please let me know via ask, comment, rb with tags– however ! i’d just really appreciate feedback 🥺 i hope you enjoy the series, i’m working really hard on it! : )

tag list (send an ask to be added): @jaiuneamesolitaiire @tsvkino-usagi​ @xionysus @baebyjoonie

[kaleidiope]

September Project updation post in October because, well, i’m silly

This post I’ll mainly talk about my plan for my stories, and the things that’ve changed along with my plans for them and such. This was suppose to be in September but, I procrastinated, so yeah!  And, a ‘keep reading’ line to keep things tidy looking! Also, I actually had this as a draft, but forgot about it! Also, also, please don’t mind all the spelling errors that i’m sure is in here, this is quite long, and i’m so sorry for all of that!

You all know the drill, this is an update for the story I've been working on. It was made in roughly February of 2019. Or at least, that’s when I got the idea for it. I’ve been working on it seriously since September of 2019. So, for about a year. On this blog you can find a good bit of random things about it, including drawings. A lot of the drawings I've done I never posted, maybe one day, probably never, but still! A lot of this Blog has actually been WIPS of my story. And, since those past updates, story pitches and such, a few things have changed, and that's what this is about!

First, for those who don’t know, I feel in love with One shot, Deiland, Moonlighter, Borderlands, and a few other games. Mainly One shot for it’s vibe, it’s feel. I loved it, maybe too much? And, really wanted to make something like it. I don’t see that atmosphere much, personally. On Music box maniacs, a lovely site, I was given the idea to make a melody for a character. And that’s how Umber came along. Over time, I kind of made Umber, and left her. Started trying to get into digital art, but without a tablet I tried to create a character that would be easy to free hand with a mouse. Which became Pax. Over time, I feel in love with Pax’s design. I drew him a lot, he was my first, and only OC. I’ve drawn random people and thing’s before, but he had a name. An age. And soon, a back story. He was set in a different world than Umber’s. Which, at this time, is almost abandoned. He was a potion seller’s child who only wanted to go on the adventure’s the customers where experiencing. And one day, he’d face a dragon, and possibly his fate. But that was scraped because each time I drew him, more and more, the backgrounds reminded me of Umber’s story. So, he became a child in her story and his was abandoned.  Umber was suppose to be a child traveling with no family trying to get awareness of her light to others. And once meeting Pax in another shop, he agreed to help her. So, you could say, Pax was Moonlighter based, and Umber was One shot based. The idea that her light was a bad thing and there were ‘”bad people” didn’t come until later. Though, Crimson was suppose to be a bully type of person who mocked, and even at times, almost hurt Umber. Because also, at this time, everyone was children. Once it was thought over for awhile then did we get the story line we have now. Umber was an inventor in a world suffering a seeming eternal eclipse. which was ruled by a corporation that was money hungry and didn’t care for the greater good. The world had glowing bugs that somehow emit a good amount of light, and through time and a lot messing and discovery, oddly power? Which is what the corporation sells, Starworm lights, and “batteries” of a sort. The bugs also allow some things to grow, but with them being harvested as much as they are, the corporation is killing the world. But, that won’t be their problem, they’ll be dead by the time it’s an issue. Now, we have a lot of characters and general world building stuff, along with the flora and fauna and how things work. So, let’s begin! (Yes, this is going to be a long post. I’m so sorry!) But, I have since changed a few things, which I will now state. I was pretty heck bent on giving them ages, but, I don’t wish for them to have any, anymore. This is not earth. It’s a planet without a sun. Keeping track of time is easier than days, let alone years. So for many, it’s just a toss up on how long they’ve lived for. Just a mere, rough, idea. I wanted ages for personality comparisons and height ideas for when I draw them. Which, was never my idea at first. This was just for OC’s to draw, yes, but then it became a story for them, along with for my own enjoyment and somehow it became more than that. Which, I oddly love. But, ages were more for an even sillier reason I've since abandoned as well, and I think the story’s better off now since then. Also, they were all children at a time. Adults wouldn’t even have names or faces, All adults were originally suppose to get full face masks. Instead of half masks. But Indigo ruined that, and after that, some of the characters were being made older. To fit with the personalities, for say, Talos. He was also a child, who I didn’t feel being a child would fit the character and mainly, their job in the story as a whole. So yes. The story itself wasn’t the main idea. Having OC’s to draw were. But I was given a lot of support on MBM with my story pitches, also, I enjoyed making them. So I continued. And I really enjoy this. World building has been the hardest, trying to make things make sense, like the eclipse lasting years. And the fact a moon bigger and that much closer to the planet would most likely make the planet itself, the planet’s moon, and the moon, the planet. And how is life still possible, along with, isn’t it cold? And to that, yes, yes, yes, and maybe XD Mainly, this is fantasy, yes, I do want it to make sense, yes, this isn’t earth. The people’s races aren’t our races, calling them human might just be an insult to them. I mean, they don’t even have pupils. (Thanks, odd drawing style.) So, my answer to a lot of this is, it’s not earth. This is fantasy. I’m doing this for fun. And I’ve done a lot research for something that was never suppose to be as much of a thing as it is, but i’m having too much fun to stop now. And with that as well, yes, a lot of my characters are suppose to have a deeper skin color. Talos, Mauve, Indigo, and so on, are suppose to have a more deep olive color. But, at the time of drawing a lot of them, I didn’t have the faith to execute other skin tones correctly. So I just didn’t. Just like drawing illustrations for my story. I didn’t think I would because I didn’t think I could, but i’m now willing to try. So, here is where we stand so far! I want my characters to have a rough age, but it could be depicted to give of take about three years. I’ve said I wanted Pax to be about 11, but I also see him to act older for his age and such. The idea of him being any younger seems odd, but if you wanted to give him a 9-15 age for an example, that’s more than cool. That goes for all my characters. I want a lot of my characters to look like their own character, i’m working very hard with redraws to make sure there’s noticeable differences with their noses and eye shapes and such.  I want different skin colors and face shapes and so on, but the idea of different races on such a small planet and even the idea of tanned skin in a world without the sun to give one a tan seems odd to me? But there will be differences, because I always wanted there to be. This story will indeed cover some heavy topics. Including but not limited to, alcohol, death, suicide, murder, mental and physical disorders and illnesses, such as DID, alzheimer’s, dementia, memory issues, abandonment, and a form of racism. All things are not straight out talked about or referenced, but lightly implied.  I took inspiration from a lot of things. (including places, animals, other stories and people) And I will not refer to any of it within my story, such as DID. There is already too much falseness and other wrong info on that and other things. I do not trust myself to paint it in a good light, nor a correct light. And will re-frame from actually stating a character has an identity disorder. The idea this world knows of DID and would use the same word is also something I question. But the characters disorder is based on DID. (Also, it’s Tobias.) The idea of genders is something that’s a toss up. I’ve never said anything of the sort and would rather not say anything. The idea that they have genders or sexuality is just something I don’t really want to think about and is rarely mentioned. The idea of love and such is mentioned, purely more for a joke/bit. But still I don’t wish to think of my characters with genders or those parts no matter what I refer to them as. Not mention these characters still aren’t human. I do use She/he/they pronouns for my characters and as of now have used phases like, “That guy” But, it’s become a personal running joke I want to make clear at the start of my story that it was translated and adapted to fit this worlds standers of word form. There are roughly 25 characters as of now, only five main characters, or should I say, five characters that get there point of view expressed. And about six support characters, and the rest are minor support characters. Some of these characters are only mentioned, or referenced, as an attempt to build the world. Questions are always open, and this story is undergoing many changes and constant consideration. As I learn, grow and improve my skills.  I have no hope or want for this to get big or anything of the sort. this is for fun. 100%. If it looks like I talk about this a lot, but never have anything to show for it, it’s because I want it to be perfect or close to it before I show anything. Which will be never, because I can never make perfect. I’m just trying to do the best I can and am pushing the limits of my skills to get there.  I should note, I am fine, I’m not “Pushing” myself. Which is why it’s taking the time it is.  I am really working on character personalities and keeping them coherent and sane along with the same. And talking about all this helps with that. As for now, I know what I want to do, and where I want my story to go, i’m just figuring out how to execute it best.  I’m more skilled in writing where I describe things, mainly emotions and the scene it’self. Along with script writing. I’m not skilled with writing conversations which is a large part of my story. Same with drawing backgrounds or anything that isn’t people. So my story so far reads a lot like a script due to how the conversations are laid out and due to how I describe how each thing is done. This is something I want to get a bit away from because it was purely so I wouldn’t get lost and confused with who was talking and the emotion/feel of each scene.  That’s because I have the attention span and instruction following skills of a carrot. I use my characters names far too many times along with a lot of other things I use for self help clarity which I hope to fix by the end. I do think it’d be cool to start dropping parts of the story and other things of what I have done, with the note that it could change. I feel it’d be fun, but i’m very hesitant to do so.  I do wish to make character bios and such for them all at some point and just have a post that lays down what has been decided so if anyone wants they can follow along with the process. But, that’s all a toss up as of now. Thank-you for reading, and for your time, I hope you have an amazing day! And I dearly apologize for this length! 

[loftyloftyloftyloftylofty]

2020 - Updates for January -  Week 1

Proper implementation of parent/child relationship for onscreen sprites

Previous behavior: On destruction of sprite, check all other sprites’ values for Parent, set NULL if pointer matches culled sprite

New behavior: Each sprite has a list of pointers to child sprites that is updated automatically when parented, destroy children upon destruction of parent

Probably should have been this way in the first place, but when I first implemented the sprite class I was still new to C++ and couldn’t figure out why it was crashing the game (modifying vector contents while attempting to iterate the vector) so I built a slower (but thorough and just as effective) hack into the renderer to manually decouple sprites instead.

The Linux build has some issues due to capitalization in file names (among other things lol)

I’m currently working on a small tool to identify and automatically correct this issue with all of the game’s assets and this should be fixed sometime tonight or tomorrow, which leads me to...

Updates are in progress for the Patreon page

It’s been awhile since I’ve touched up my Patreon. I’ve updated a few small sections and plan on doing a more thorough pass later this weekend, including updating the main page with links to stable demo versions for Windows and Linux.

Once I’ve ironed out the asset issues with the Linux build, expect some updates to the Patreon page.

It’s over here, by the way. Love you, etc.

I’ve also been working on my own blog

Some of you might have already seen it. It’s almost ready- I’ve got a few more things to fix on the back end before I publish it though.

Tumblr has a great set of tools for setting up and maintaining a blog, but I think it’s better for creative people to maintain their own websites. 

Relying on huge platforms like Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, etc puts everyone at the mercy of what advertisers think is profitable, and that’s becoming more and more restrictive every day.

You can check out the prototype over here if you’re interested - your browser will probably yell at you though because I’m still using a self-signed SSL certificate during development.

More updates soon - more details below.

▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ ▄ SPOILERS AHEAD - Click the Keep Reading link to continue

Robot garden (???)

One of the midgame areas in Cat Story will be an overgrown facility that was once a well-kept garden.

In order to really drive the point home, I’m introducing the player to a miniaturized version of what the garden might have looked like when properly maintained so that they really understand the difference when they enter the overgrown one.

One of the planned endgame areas is a weapons research and development silo that will use modified versions of each of these bots as defenders, so I also want the player to be moderately familiar with how each of these bots moves and what roles they serve in a passive context so that they’re better equipped to handle the hostile variants later.

Setting up this gardening process is a disproportionately huge amount of work for what effectively becomes background props that just move around and do their own thing.

So yeah, the last couple of weeks have mostly been spent making this needlessly contrived garden. I’m really happy with the result so far, and I’m hoping that the amount of focus I’m putting into making each environment express relationships through context (instead of feeding the player text) will make the world more immersive.

I chose a handful of crops for this garden, two of which may be familiar to you folks already (Reds are getting a facelift soon, but I’m happy with how the golds turned out):

In keeping with the tradition of flowers as unusual plot devices, I’ll be adding my own, too. I’m still undecided if I want them to be blue or purple. Perhaps black? Black sounds cool.

Anyway, I’m out of important updates so I’m going to get back to work.

See you nerds soon

[thejourneytolovefrancisrose]

i made this today and i loved it...

but in this is some updates for this blog...

sso i got really behind on updating my life and everything the second half of last year, but i will try to sum it up briefly now, even though im not sure anyone pays any attention to this tumblr lol

1: I NOW IDENTIFY AS A NON-BINARY MAN/MXN.

Since top surgery, I still get some strange feelings, way less than before, about whether this is the kind of chest I want. I have have some friends that are transmen, nonbinary and/or agender say that its very normal to have those kinds of feelings post surgery, but especially so if you don't actually feel you identify as a binary transperson. And... I had to admit to myself that all the signs pointed that way. I don't want bottom surgery and really never did. I still include the man/mxn after nonbinary because I am still heavily leaning towards that male/man side, just not in any binary definition of what i want my male/man body to look like.

I now use "they" pronouns in addition to "he/him" pronouns and will be getting the X marker on my new ID once I get everything I need for getting the ID for the state I just moved to and thats gonna be a pain in the butt since they want all kind of identification. Its got nothing to do with the gender marker though and everything to do with them making their state ids compliant so they will be usable for domestic flights and trvael to canada and mexico once they new travel laws take effect this year.

2: TOP SURGERY UPDATE

So, I know have SO MUCH MORE feeling in my chest. A bunch woke up a couple months ago and, at first, it stung and had this staticky feeling. Also, it would hurt when i would go to brush crumbs or something off my chest and I dont know if maybe I was brushing harder before since it was numb or if it was just sensitive. Certainly was a shocker the first time it happened. Its adjusted a lot now. There are still some numb spots along the sides and where they made the incision, but a lot of it is back. My nipples also no longer look all shriveled up, but the flesh is still tight. Hoping that eventually I will be able to pierce them, but I have awhile to go still since a piercer told me i should wait 2 years.

3: HRT

I went on and off hormones a lot in that last half of the year. I spent almost two months off at one time and I wasnt sure I wanted to get back on... but eventually I did. My hairline is starting to recede, but for now, i think its that normal amount that testosterone does to give you a more masculine hairline... but im keeping my eye on it. im hoping, with the new year and all, to get back in the gym soon and hope the hormones help with the body sculpting. im also just so curious about how much more body hair im gonna grow. stomach hair that started near my pubic region is creating a tower and is climbing above my belly button now. theres some hair growing around my nipples and some on my feet. how much more will sprout up???

4: NEW YEAR

So, I finished college in December and this month I turn 29. I got some stuff to figure out, but I think I want to spend a significant amount of time in the next some years working on writing and art. I went to school for education, but I have been inspired to be brave and really push myself to go for my passions, which has been writing and art forever. Im gonna look into some masters degrees about art business and publishing. Might apply for that next year, who knows. We'll see just have to wait and see.

I'll be posting my new years resolutions/goals after this and maybe some more pics/videos and stuff. 😊😊😊