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everything-laito · 3 years

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hey,,, i've seen this controversial opinion about laito not being sexually assaulted by cordelia. . .as the only opinion of laito that matters, what are your thoughts on it? i know you've made some posts in the past about cordelia and laito's relationship, but i think that now would be a good time to i guess, remake a post or clarify your thoughts so people could follow along?? i hope you enjoy your day.

*proceeds to crack all my knuckles at once*

This isn't really my own "response" cuz oh boy I'm sick of this petty ass drama lmao. To begin, SKLDJF I'm very flattered that you hold my opinion in that high of regard! I'd say there's others that have interesting interpretations of him too though :) but again, thank you :') glad you enjoy what I have to say!

I know I've already kinda responded to this via a screenshot here, just to hold you––and others reading this––over. As much as this is a great time to talk about a how-to-analysis, I’ll still put that as a separate post eventually, but I still will go over the philosophy of truth and writings etc. But anyways, to answer your initial questions, they’re under the cut!

And no, I’m not specifically calling anyone out here. These are just issues with the fandom that I find as a whole, along with some extremists. Thus, I’m not going to be putting tags for people to easily find this post because I don’t want to be wound up in this drama––once again this is just more commentary on the fandom as a whole, which hopefully you can apply to people you find!

I have a lot of my own thoughts about Cordelia and Laito’s relationship here (just in case if people need it):

1. Goes over potential grooming of Laito, facts about Cordelia and what happened before she did stuff to Laito, and when did she rape Laito for the first time?

2. Stuff about incest and how any relationship out of a parental/child relationship is abuse even if it’s not penetrative sex, more incest stuff, and just more thoughts on their relationship

3. Neuroplasticity, trauma, Karlheinz, and isolation

4. What does sexual trauma look like? And some stuff on Laito’s facade

5. More stuff on his facade, and projection on Yui

6. My thoughts on Laito’s dark fate vampire ending + Conclusion

7. Answering some inbox stuff relating to Cordelia

Sure I realize I might be missing some stuff but that’s just my whole analysis on them. I’ll probably make some follow up posts eventually but I’m not sure when that will be.

But as for this analysis/ramble, I’ll divide it up into sections:

The issue of hypocrisy in the Dialovers fandom:

I- oh dear god. Ok, just saying, there’s a lot of people being like “oh I hate Cordelia because she was abusive” then ??? yo??? Why do you like the boys?? They’re abusive and we see more of them than Cordelia??? I just personally hate hypocrisy. However, it’s okay to hate Cordelia! It’s okay to love Cordelia! It’s okay to hate the boys and it’s okay to love the boys too. But recognizing that you don’t like one or the other just because “they’re abusive” is a fallacy at that point.

The reason why so many people hate Karlheinz/Cordelia/Beatrix/Christa/Richter (or at least start off hating them) is because they are written as the villains of the story! Karl’s the main villain, and the rest (including the diaboys and Yui) are kinda just tragically wound up in his plans. You sympathize more with the boys because you spend more time with them and watch them grow! It’s a whole “us vs them” situation. Since those people were awful to the boys/the boys hate them, you’re like “yeah they’re bad!” But the issue with the whole “us vs them” situation (as in real life) is that people tend to excuse the actions done by the “us” party.

Same thing goes with extreme Karl/Cordelia/Richter fans (I’ve never seen a hardcore Beatrix/Christa fan but they’re probably out there). Some hate the diaboys but love the people in that party. They’ve also done some shitty stuff too! Bro, even Yui has done some terrible stuff! But that’s because she was a product of the events she was thrown into––and same with everyone else.

Karl has been the mastermind of all this, and for me I don’t have any sympathy for him, mainly because we’re not shown anything to sympathize with (except that he just is tired of living but idk why he wants to create a whole new race like lmao science nerd ig, I feel that king). A lot of people like him for his looks, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing––he’s a fictional character, objectify these characters however you want. This is more of a personal opinion of mine though. And maybe people do just sympathize with his outlook on life, that’s totally fine.

But since these characters are all attractive in their own regard, they all get the treatment of “pretty-boy” syndrome (Idek if that’s the exact name for it). Which is just the privilege pretty people get. But again, this is fictional, so it’s not necessarily important in this case. Bro I got into DL cuz of “ooga booga hot vampires” and stayed for the complex lore and characters (especially one complex character, wonder who that could be). I imagine most people got into DL because of that, or out of sheer curiosity.

Ok, I’m throwing out a lot of points but not really connecting them. Lemme give you an example: I don’t like Reiji. His character doesn’t vibe with me most of the time aside from the fact that he’s hilarious. But I just am very neutral/neutral-negative on his character. But I’m not like “oh cuz he’s mean/abusive” cuz LOL EVERYONES MEAN IN THIS GAME. Sure you can still say that, it’s just not a very strong claim. Hypocritical claims tend to be like that. Same with a lot of Yui haters. In this case, they’re more jealous that she’s there and not them, which I’ve explained a lot in this post about toxic femininity and Yui in the fandom etc. But it’s ok to just not like a character! It’s alright! I know someone who just doesn’t vibe with Subaru. She doesn’t know why, she just doesn’t vibe with him. There’s no need to defend it either. But the use of hypocrisy is my main issue, and I’ll get to that in the next section.

(There’s a really good post explaining this too but I cannot find it for the life of me. I think it was made by @/abottleofkarlheinz or @/the-madame21)

How opinions of fictional universes left unchecked can effect real life:

I’ve said this a little bit in that Dialover PSA post I’ve made about Yui that I linked a couple paragraphs ago. But the reasons why people say they hate Yui is concerning. If you don’t like Yui, that’s totally fine! Again you don’t need reasons to hate on a character or defend it. But if you do choose to defend those characters, make sure what you’re saying isn’t out of some other place in your heart. Let me explain.

In that “Yui PSA” post I made, I say how your attitudes in being critical of a fictional universe usually does reflect on who you are as a person, at least when you’re making certain claims. In that Yui post, I say that the hatred on Yui is a result of the “other girl” mentality. On top of that, it erases her experience as a survivor. Yes, this is a fictional character, but bringing that into real life can have some dire consequences if you don’t differentiate them. If you have the same attitude of Yui with other survivors if the “abuser is hot” then thaaaaaat’s so fucked up.

For example, there’s people who have crushes on real life serial killers! That- that’s absolutely disgusting! Those real people killed living people and effected so many lives and families. Dude I have fictional crushes on fictional serial killers, and that’s different, because it is a removed universe. It’s why I can still call myself a lesbian but still have crushes on fictional male characters, for a further example (and vice versa! I have straight friends who crush on fictional characters of their same gender! But that doesn’t make them any less straight. And no, I’m not erasing bi people here either, just clarifying in case if you needed that).

Not being able to differentiate your opinions of a fictional universe can get very toxic. Like I love Laito, but I’m not like “omg I wish he was real so he could do that stuff to me uwu” like no!!! UH!!! I wouldn’t want to date anyone like him in real life! That’s literal abuse! And if Laito was here in real life it’s not a controlled environment, he’d literally be able to do anything with you, etc. That’s what makes a fantasy, a fantasy. They’re controlled.

Also vice versa, some people get really triggered by Dialovers, specifically Laito’s route. A lot of non-consensual acts that he does have been experienced by people in real life in any extent, myself included. For me, it’s a personal escape from that, because it is an environment where I am prepared for those events and can control my exposure to it. For some, they are reminded of the reality they had to experience. Fictional universes are inspired by real life, no matter what way you look at it. Real life people are making it, after all.

I feel like I’m going in so many circles, but trust me, I’m getting to the point.

I- I can’t explain this enough but it is most definitely implied that Cordelia had raped and sexually abused Laito. If it was explicit, DL would be an 18+ game, but they cannot do that in Japan. I’m not going to like defend this point because so many people (myself included) have defended this point. It’s implications carry over into Laito’s character and why he’s like this. He’s a textbook sexual abuse survivor. I just,,,, cannot explain this enough. Same thing with overwriting the abuse of Yui. They get jealous of Yui. Sure I’d say a good chunk of people have ravishment fantasies here. At least the 18+ people in the fandom who are into that stuff. But oh my dear god, ravishment fantasies are super super dangerous to enact in real life. It’s possible to do them, but it would take years of building up to that point in kink. That’s a whole other discussion though and I’m not incredibly comfortable talking about it knowing that minors read my blog (I’ll also have to say here: no minors in kink--its alright to educate yourself but pleaaaaaaaaaase don’t enact on any of those activities until you are of age, and even so that still can be dangerous right as you turn 18).

But anyways, saying that Yui should enjoy this because she’s experienced the ravishment fantasy you’ve dreamed of? Oh fucking hell, if you leave that opinion and mentality unchecked and it goes into real life, that’s incredibly awful. Abuse apologists are absolutely terrible people, almost as much as the abusers themselves.

If you twist the narrative that Laito loves Cordelia or Yui loves the boys at the end of the first game, that’s still––ughhhhhhhh. Especially when it’s so obvious that Laito has so many mental issues with Cordelia. His whole monologue and breakdown at the end of Dark Fate definitely tells us that he has had such an issue with Cordelia. And MB+ Laito is still Laito. As for Yui, dude she literally goes through stockholm syndrome in the first game like it is so goddamn apparent idek how to explain this at this point.

Ok dear god lmao wow, uh I think that’s answering the first couple of questions?

The philosophy of truth:

“Truth” has been an incredibly debated topic in philosophy for years. Truth is more of a subjective item rather than objective. Sure you can have personal objective truths, but they may not be the same truths for others. For example, a tomato is red. However, that tomato is red to me, because I am not color blind. A red-green color blind person may see the tomato as being brown or more muted in color. That’s their truth. They can’t really imagine what red is (ok depending on severity of their color blindness), considering they have not experienced the color red in the same way people who don’t have color blindness do. God uh, here’s a whole ass essay about truth, I’m cherry picking some of the things in there that are relevant to this.

Basically what I’m saying is, truth is very subjective. However, there are philosophers arguing a more objective truth. But that’s a whole other discussion. Also, this isn’t to support any political opinion, but I can use that as an example. Let’s go for well... The death penalty. I’m in America, we have the death penalty in some states. Yes, this is a very controversial topic, and no I’m not arguing the ethics of it here. Just hear me out.

If you live in Europe for example (except in Belarus and Russia––ok when I looked it up they consider Russia in Europe and technically it is but also there’s the whole chunk that is not- lmao even the truth of geography can be subjective), you might be like “yeah what the fuck are Americans doing?” (a common sentiment that I also share lmao). But yeah, what the fuck are we doing? Why is the death penalty still in existence? Yes, there’s statistics that prove that it doesn’t deter crime, but even crime rates is caused by a lot of different things too. Even statistics aren’t always accurate, because of many different factors. They’re not objective either, although good statisticians try their best to get good results and not skew the data. (please try to see where your data is coming from and who it is sponsored by––it matters a TON)

I’d say the closest thing we have as an objective truth to argue the death penalty or not is money. Money, although the concept is subjective, is a very objective currency. It’s why artists hate “exposure” compared to “money” as sole currency. The death penalty is very expensive, and not even used that often.

So, although money is currency made by us, and is technically 75% linen and 25% cotton (in America at least) with some funky dudes n numbers printed on it, it doesn’t sound that special. However, it would be considered as a baseline of some type of “objective truth” in ~society~ because people are typically on the same page of what money’s worth. Even so, this baseline of truth is still subjective! If Bill Gates accidentally has a $20 bill fall out of his pocket, that’s nothing to him! But if someone who’s working very hard to make ends meet loses that same amount of money, it could deal a lot of financial damage to that person.

Ok, hopefully you guys kind of get my drift. There are a lot of theories of truth, I’m just explaining one (honestly I forget the name of this theory) because it is the closest to the types of truth we are dealing with. And in this case, it’s called “canon.”

What the fuck is analysis:

The concept of “canon” is the objective truth that we have when analyzing universes. They’re our bread and butter of interpretation and extrapolation. The art of analysis clings to this notion of an objective truth. It needs a baseline. I’m going off of Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle, because that type of analysis I have the most experience with.

This is called rhetorical analysis. Rhetoric is the use of words in a persuasive fashion, and the analysis part is a breakdown of how words are used in order to achieve persuasiveness. I don’t typically use a lot of explicit rhetorical analysis in my personal writings, but I guess a version of it. Which typically has to deal with intention and execution. A lot of analysis on language has to do with this. Language is incredibly subjective. Certain words carry individual meanings to people. I have gone over the difference between real and lexical definitions before, and I’ll do it again.

I’ll just copy and paste what I’ve said before here from this analysis:

To put it simply, lexical definitions are the definitions you find in the dictionary. This is an “official” and “agreed upon” definition. Real definitions (quite a misleading name in my opinion) is the definition that’s more kind of “felt” in a way and how you internally interpret the word in context (these can be through individuals or any niche group). What I mean by this is that when you say a word (for example) to convey a feeling, you usually won’t know the dictionary definition off the top of your head. You say that something’s “savage” for example when you want to describe something violent or gruesomely awesome (it depends if it’s in a slang context or not) but there’s many lexical definitions (and outdated lexical definitions) of the term. But the first definition that usually comes up is “adj (of an animal or force of nature) fierce, violent, and uncontrolled.”

But people typically don’t think of the lexical definition when they learn what a word means; they usually learn the context of it and apply it as such. And that’s what a “real” definition is. Laito has a differing definition of what affection and love is, and that’s his own meaning and what it means to him.

I’ll even add another example to that too. The word “cunt” in english refers to a vagina. That’s just it. It’s lexically synonymous with “vagina,” “pussy,” etc. However, “cunt” has a subjective meaning to it. This is where “real” definitions also come into play. Many people view the word as vulgar and dirty. And that’s cuz we live in a ~society~ lmao. Our use of language has shaped what this word means in a context outside of the dictionary. I’ll do you one more. The Japanese word マンコ (manko) is also vulgar slang that’s kind of like our word “cunt/pussy.” Sometimes I say “cunt” for jokes, but I don’t use it that often to begin with since it’s just a very strong word to most (albeit it’s not that strong of a word for me). However, マンコ is a strong word to many Japanese people, but if I hear it even though I’ve been learning Japanese, it doesn’t have that same effect as hearing “cunt” for me is (which still, idc if I really hear it depending on context) because I haven’t been shaped in a culture that uses Japanese.

Even so, tone, intention, and context is HUGE in this. If someone called me a “useless fucking cunt” when they’re angry at me, I’d be close to crying. If someone told that to me as a joke, I’d be like “lol yeah you right, bitchass” and if someone said that in a consensual sexual context, it would certainly tickle my masochistic heart.

DSLKFJ also sorry if you don’t like hearing that word, I just had to utilize a strong example for this. But anyways, now let’s change the lens to Dialovers.

No, it never explicitly says that Cordelia rapes Laito. It doesn’t. However, there’s this WACKY thing called being able to infer, reading between the lines, and identifying implications. Those are kind of all the same things. However, indirect exposition is used a lot in effective creative writing. The utilization of this type of exposition is more preferred when writing a story, because direct exposition is kind of referred to as “info-dumping” when used excessively. Forgive my jargon: this is just showing vs telling as we’re taught in every writing class. I’m personally very bad at it, which is why I stick to writing these, and stick to reading creative fiction. (NOT SAYING IF YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT THIS TO NOT CONTINUE TO PRACTICE CREATIVE FICTION, I JUST DONT HAVE THE CURRENT MOTIVATION TO GET GOOD AT IT)

Dialovers uses a LOOOOOT of showing. And even so, its “showing” ability is very minimal considering the Japanese language can be vague on its own, it’s medium (visual novel) does not show a lot of things explicitly most of the time (and even when it is shown it doesn’t convey a lot). There’s several CGs of Laito and Yui where it doesn’t show the amount of pain or the dire situation Yui’s in, compared to what she’s saying she’s going through.

When I made my whole breakdown on Laito’s HDB route from Yui’s perspective, I got several comments about how they didn’t realize how bad his route really was. That’s either because people might not have experience with verbal abuse themselves, can’t exactly see Yui’s body language except her head (and even so, her expressions are limited), or don’t know a lot of gaslighting/verbal abuse techniques/have done research into it. Honestly verbal abuse is kind of hard to realize, so I’m not calling anyone dumb here. Despite me knowing a lot of the signs, I didn’t know I went through it––and even so I’ve denied it. And that’s what is so effective about this game though! Especially Laito’s route! Because you’re also sucked in with limited knowledge because you’re seeing this through Yui’s perspective, and on top of that it’s isolating. You can only make so many choices, and I feel like Dialovers is perfect as a visual novel. You get caught up with a lot of shock value things that Laito says, which serves as a perfect distraction for your first time through. But anyways, I’m getting off track.

For example, many people found his Maniac 07 chapter to be very confusing. I broke that one down here as well, and even so I was confused at first (also I was like 14/15, dear god). It tells you SO little, but you know that Laito’s incredibly upset at Richter for some reason, and even so, Yui comments on it a little too. Laito is shown to still hate Richter in DF, but he talks about it a tad more.

Here’s a further example from my writings in that first part of the Cordelia/Laito analysis series but I have bolded the terms I use to convey this rhetoric:

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance.

That’s what rhetorical analysis is. You take the contextual meaning of the words, the tone they use, and extrapolate what they imply. On top of this, we know that the term “love” here is sexual, implying that they did something sexual. We are not given the details of this, but considering we know that Laito uses “love” before he rapes Yui in the game, we can infer that’s what happened (or something similar) to himself with Cordelia, considering he projects on Yui quite a bit.

I was going to go over what is good/bad analysis, but I think I’ve implied it anyways here. Utilizing separate information from different sources of canon in order to make sense of something is good analysis. That’s our objective truth: canon. I’m not saying I’m the best at analysis, but I am fairly confident in it. It’s how I’m able to attempt to answer some of your “how would Laito react” questions without it being specifically hinted in the game. You cannot cherry pick specific sentences and go off of that alone for analysis. It’s context. It’s reading tone. It’s knowing the characters attitudes towards things, how they speak, etc. There’s a lot going into analysis in general. I know I didn’t elaborate on Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle right now, but that’s for another date I suppose.

Oh dear god I hope I didn’t lose you guys, I know this is a lot of information, but if you have any questions/comments/clarifications, as always, please let me know!

Hope you enjoyed! -Corn

#analysis #ask corn

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itsmeevie01 · 3 years

Text

A Moment in Time- Ch 11

MASTERPOST

wow, this took a while! in all honesty? it was the effort it took to get back inside Tim's head. moving on, please check the A/N at the end, for the rest of the going ons and comments on the...cannon compliance. or lack of, therefore. a warning? I threw cannon out the window before I started. oh! and this ch mentions kind of vague suicide? so, if that's a trigger, skip the headlines about Adrien. (don't worry, I haven't killed him..yet)

While Marinette was giving Adrien a heart attack, across the ocean, the girl was also giving Tim Drake one.

It had been almost 24 hours since he had heard from the very prompt Marinette. After their last email, he had gone to bed. When he had woken up the next day, he had lunged for his computer only to find that his inbox sat empty. When he had checked it again after his first coffee, Tim was again disappointed.

After that, he had set his inbox to notify him if something from his friend came in.

Now, as he sat in his car after work, Tim anxiously hovered his finger over the email icon. He had stayed late to distract himself and had fallen asleep at his desk. It was 11 at night, and his phone had gone off with a call from Alfred. The butler had been trying to get in contact with him, concerned that he had been kidnapped again.

Hesitantly, Tim thumbed his way into the drafts of his email and looked over the top one.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Marinette,

I apologize if you feel that I have overstepped in the past 24 hours. I truly did not intend to find out from Jason. I had intended to ask you when you came for the Gala.

I know that we usually average 2-3 emails a day, but I wanted to give you some space to process if you needed.

I look forward to you joining us in Gotham, in a few weeks. I know that with all that is going on with Hawkmoth, you must be relieved to leave the city for some time. Alfred will probably reach out, but I was wondering if there was anything we could do to make your stay more enjoyable? Times around the galas are always a bit hectic, and I don’t want to make your life any more difficult. On another side note, will you be traveling alone? International travel can be quite hectic, especially if you are flying somewhere new.

It turns out that my father’s company likes to throw curveballs, and I will be flying to Paris in the next week. If you have time, maybe we could sit down and talk?

I was reading back through our emails and realized that you may not have heard. Jason and Gina have left on some sort of adventure. The only thing that they said was that we should start checking Italian news. Do you have any idea what that may be about?

I hope to hear from you soon.

-Tim

P.S. is the offer for the super coffee recipes still open? Those coffees are sounding more and more appealing.

After hesitating one more time, Tim hit send and watched as the message disappeared from his screen. With a sigh, the teen turned his car on, and made his way out onto the late-night streets of Gotham.

When he rolled out of bed the next morning, Tim blindly reached for his phone. Before he could open his email and look for a message from Marinette, a notification caught his attention.

ITALIAN GANG EXPOSED AS ROOT OF GOTHAM DRUG ISSUE

Rolling his eyes, Tim opened that headline. There the story went into more detail and the young CEO was able to see his older brother’s fingerprints all over the discovery. At the end, it mentioned two ‘biker vigilantes’ who had ridden through town and mostly done what they could to defend those who needed help. The author noted that the duo was gone by the time the gang had been brought to justice. It was rumored that they had been the ones to take the gang down.

With a roll of his eyes, Tim sent Jason a screenshot of the story and a good job, before flipping to his email.

There, sitting at the top of his inbox was…nothing from Marinette. A frown worked its way onto Tim’s face as he refreshed his email again. When nothing came up, he moved to his computer. As he navigated to the French news site he had bookmarked Tim reminded himself that there were heroes in Paris and that there was nothing to worry about.

He quickly revised the thought as he looked at the top headline.

ADRIEN AGRESTE MISSING.

The next one read very similarly.

GABRIEL AGRESTE CLAIMS SON RAN AWAY! IS HE HIDING THE INNER BEGINNINGS OF SCANDAL?

With a click, Tim opened another news site based in Paris.

A MOTHER’S SUICIDE. A SON’S DISAPPEARANCE. A FATHER’S ABUSIVE NATURE. AN UNFILTERED LOOK AT THE AGRESTE HOUSEHOLD FROM AN INSIDE SOURCE.

Worry settled in the pit of Tim’s stomach. If there were legitimate news sources running this kind of thing, something must be going on. Marinette hadn’t mentioned anything about the boy, and most likely they weren’t friends. Hell, they probably didn’t even know the other existed. He tried to brush off the headlines as the media overdramatizing things again. However, his gut just wouldn’t let him.

With a sigh, Tim opened a separate tab and set up his computer desk for the long haul. He was going to dig into the Agreste kid. After he checked on Marinette.

It had been a lot easier to find what he was looking for than he expected. Within the first hour, Tim had tracked down the people Adrien was close to because of his father and moved onto the boy’s school friends. When he had pulled up the school the missing teen attended, Tim froze.

It was the same Lycée that Marinette attended.

In a flurry of typing, Tim pulled up the school records. There was Marinette. A few familiar faces. And then…there! in the same class was the missing blonde boy. As the young vigilante stared at the class roster, Tim felt his stomach sink. Adrien and Marinette were in the same class.

While Bruce had shrugged off the worry that Tim had, the teen knew that he had a valid concern. There was a sinking in his gut, a tightness that he couldn’t explain. All Tim knew was that this connection between Adrien Agreste and Marinette was going to change the situation in Paris, drastically.

It was at three in the morning when Tim’s email box binged.

The teen’s head was resting on the keys, his arms slack at his sides. On the screen, where the cursor was blinking a line of unintelligible letters was running. As the bing went off again, louder, and Tim jerked up in surprise and blinked owlishly at the screen.

He had begged off patrol in favor of looking into a ‘case’. He had spent the entire evening camped out at his desk digging further into all things Paris. On one window, he had the files he was compiling on the names that kept coming up, while in another he monitored three different news sites known to report on Akumas. In one of the windows that was hidden behind piles of rabbit holes, was a file with one line typed

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG

As understanding ran over his face, Tim opened a new window and clicked into his email. There, waiting for him at the top of the inbox was an email from Marinette.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Tim,

I am so sorry that I disappeared! One of my friends had a family emergency and I have been spending time with him helping with the fine details.

I appreciate the apology, but I can’t really blame you when Jason was being an idiot. It feels good to know that you now understand why and how Jason and I know each other. As for my older brother, last I heard, he was coming back to Paris on his way to Germany. He promised to be back in Gotham in time for the annual Holiday Gala.

You mentioned that you were coming to Paris before the Gala? Is everything ok? I would enjoy meeting you if there is time. Of course, much of my schedule will be revolving around finals, so maybe an ice cream break would be in order? Let me know when you arrive, and we can make plans!

That reminds me, I won't be on my computer much and I've been enjoying talking with you. If you want, you can text me at XX-XXX-XXXX-XX.

Have a good day,

~Marinette

P.S. I was going to send you the coffee recipes, but it would be better if I gave them to you in person!

Tension ran out of Tim’s shoulders as he reread the email. Marinette was ok, she didn’t hate him. but, as the teen reread his friend's (were they friends?) email, he realized that there was something off with her email. He couldn’t pinpoint it, but the young vigilante chalked it up to his exhaustion.

With a sleepy smile, Tim clicked out of his email and stood from the desk. A moment later, he was tumbling into bed. For once, he was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

As Bruce Wayne climbed the stairs to the upper levels of the Manor, his eyes caught on a computer bag that had been left in a nook off the stairs. With a small smile, the billionaire picked up the bag and collected the notes that had been left from whenever Tim had last worked there. it was late, and the teen had begged off patrol tonight to work on his own projects in preparation for his trip to Paris. At this time in the early morning, it would be hit or miss whether he would still be awake. Many times, when Bruce would check on Tim, the teen was passed out at his desk or on his bed surrounded with projects.

Bruce knew that Tim was working himself to the bone before his trip to Paris. The teen had dug into the supervillain problem that Jared Stone’s niece had mentioned to him. Bruce really hoped that Tim hadn’t put together that Jason was related to the girl, because that could cause problems within the family. Not because of the actual connection, but the secrecy that he and Jason had used to handle it.

With sending Tim to Paris there was a certain media risk. The only reason that Bruce was willing to risk the media was the fact that his son was the most informed on the supervillain situation. That, and there was actual clean-up work that needed to be done after finding corruption in their Parisian office.

As the billionaire cracked open Tim’s door, a smile crossed the man’s face. The teen was curled up in bed, his desk cluttered with work, his computer still running. His shoes were kicked off to the side, and his skateboard was leaning against the wall by the closet door. At the end of the bed was his carry-on, open and partially packed. At the top of the bag, just visible from the door was a box that had been wrapped. In Tim’s (surprisingly elegant) script was the name ‘Marinette’. Bruce studied the box for a moment, before shaking his head and nothing to ask Tim in the morning.

Leaving the door cracked, Bruce stepped into the space and put his son’s bag and cacophony of papers on the top of his dresser, where he would look when it was time for him to pack his bags in the morning. With one last glance at the sleeping teen, Bruce closed the door to let the boy sleep.

Skater Tim? Skater Tim.

hiiiiiiiii! I'm back! what did you think of the look back into Gotham? I wanted to do something that would look at things from outside the little bubble of Mari and Tim, so we got some Bruce time. am I keeping Bruce as a good dad? yes, I am. I think that *technically* Tim didn't get adopted (I looked it up, but dudes, I got every version of yes and no out there. if ANYONE KNOWS FOR SURE, LET ME KNOW.). ANYWAYS I decided that I was throwing out any and all cannon early on, so if you know what the official version is, lmk, but it's really only so that I have references to work off of for character references.

now that we are expanding the miracusquad, should Tim get a Miraculous? which one? also, the reason that Mari is kinda...distant, is because she is planning on how to kick hawkmoth's ass.

Luka is getting his miraculous soon! will I actually follow cannon for once? Nobody knows!

tag list! @moonlitceleste @redscarlet95 @ultimatetornshipper @mochegato @liquid-luck-00 @maskedpainter @trippingovermyfeet @nathleigh @m0chick0furan @susiej1118 @t1dwarrior-of-earth @sassakitty @remy-289 @solangelo252 @corporeal-terrestrial @woe-is-me0 @toodaloo-kangaroo

#a moment in time fic #maribat #timari #sibling!jasonette #timinette #Chaotic Marinette #cat miraculous! Marinette #cat!marinette #My writing #im back!!!!!#hiiiiiiiiii its been so long #and tim is going to paris

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the-blind-geisha · 3 years

Note

im sorry you weren't treated well in some fandoms. I hope that the next season of Overlord comes out to refresh you!! 👐

I'm sorry this sat in my inbox for a time, anon. I... really wasn't sure how to answer it, but I dunno. I guess reaching my wit's end here, I'll speak out a bit.

I also kinda hate I've been encouraged (both by myself and others) to be quiet, but no. Drama shouldn't be silenced if you're the one being directly/ indirectly harassed and stalked.

This is... this is intense. I've never known someone to be this insane before and then have people support said person thinking 'she's a good person deep down'. Yeah, manipulative people are like that. They say and do things to make you believe they don't have a gun ready to shoot and kill somebody that isn't flattering them.

Ignore the stuff below if you don't want drama, but I will eventually post screenshots of all the info I have with timestamps and all anybody needs to see my side of the story in a public google docs.

But please, do NOT go out of your way to flame and harass this person. Just leave them alone. Seriously. That's not what I'm trying to get across with this. This person just wants an engorged ego, and it shows. I'm just explaining my side, because--fuck man. It hurts enough. I've done nothing to you, but you still wanna be this creepy...

For those who don't know or weren't made aware: I was (and still am at times) being stalked by someone who got very, very angry that I wrote a story similar in concepts but vastly different in delivery than their fic. They made it a point in their older fic to spit on anybody who dared write characters a certain way (the loving/powerful Supreme Being was oh so cliché and dumb in her eyes), and then when I came along to basically be identical to her in how I enjoyed writing Demiurge with a human character, I was somehow 'stealing' from her.

That person is—well—I cannot say directly, but you can look in Contract's Chapter 4 reviews to see everything you need to. (And I have that all screenshot on my hard drive as well as her 'bad past' she insisted I deleted because of 'anon hate' she got, so yeah.)

Flames erupted and accusations... all while she was pretending to be my friend and on my side on Tumblr.

It was abhorrent. I was new, dipping my toes into the fandom only to have my first Overlord fic be attacked by her and then have my Amnesia fic have her glare at and say it was a 'spite-fic' (because...only her character can have amnesia/memory problems, I guess??) Which... I have screenshots of my Amnesia fic's origins dating years back when I was very into the game Amnesia: A Dark Decent—Lilyodin's name included—to where she didn't even have her fic(s) posted. 2014, if you want to know the exact year. Hell, Contract's earliest conception is marked on Instagram where I began my comic Dancing with the Devil. Her fic came out in early February 2020 if I remember right. She claims to have begun it on another site, but never tells anybody what that site is called, because… lies. And even then, how would I steal from her when I don’t know where the hell that fic is located to begin with?

She can claim it wasn't her, but the irony is she eventually unbookmarked Contract and, shortly after, I got another flame. The moment I made a vague threat towards her on my Tumblr, she blocked me, ran and tried to approach people she thought could protect her from my more outspoken behavior. When she did this, all flames stopped. (Though, glad to know all I have to do is mark flames as spam, and AO3 deals with it).

She rewrote her story into a ‘reader insert’ though, really, it was her OC Lilith, and then made 40 dummies to boost her numbers. Some of them were ironically made with specific likes around times I was reblogging or answering a specific ask about something on my Tumblr to show she was block circumventing and spying on me. The icing on the cake was her taking anons on my fics and using their usernames on her new fic story to boost her comments and pretend she had my anons. Whenever I would update Contract, I was told she was updating on top of me shortly after—always. I was told by friends she seemed to do this late last year (2020), but I chose to ignore it till earlier 2021 where I caught her doing it... twice (and besides, she confessed that’s what she was doing to a person between us so yeah–she cannot lie her way out of that one). Even as we're now in two different fandoms, she still goes out of her way to unironically update about the times I do, because we (of course) share the same tags. The girl is just... something else. She can claim that's me being paranoid, but given how often she goes out of her way to 'magically do (X) thing' like I do, yeah... how can I NOT be and how can I trust her?

What further made me almost hit the 'fuck you, I'm calling you out’ post was when I wrote to my original Naga story where I put Zul'te. She saw some of the tags, saw the insane boost in kudos and bookmarks, how shocked I was people loved it in one chapter, and she took some of the tags to mirror them. Honestly, she was confused and furious I somehow got tag surfers where Contract was concerned. Seriously, I would say 80% of my readers on Contract aren't Overlord fans, so she tried to mimic what I did to gain that attention too.

All she wants is people's love and support. Nothing else. Her actions there show this. It was... gross. Whatever she can do to try and stay near me like a damn shadow and try to boost her numbers and flatter her ego, she'll do it. (Hell, she's still doing it apparently).

She was warned she's not safe from me—that I do literally have a whole folder full of her nonsense to show my side of the story. From the indirect accusation of me 'stealing from her' before I got the anon accusation on my fic, to her updating on top of me, her dummies, her crappy comments before we told her that wasn't cool to say about people (sad we gotta smack her hand and tell her 'no' before she realizes something isn't cool to do...), the aggressive things she said to the prior writers she tried to chase out, to her tags added to reflect mine, the works.

That was the only thing that has kept her at bay...but only for a few months, and then she was back on her shit, apparently. And, sad to say? That folder is never getting destroyed. She can pray my PC has a malfunction but I got a backup hard drive with those screenshots. It's never going away.

With all of this? I hope to the gods she gets better. I don't know what's going on in her life, but a lot of what she says she is about—I found it all to be fake. She made the trails all too easy. She's not as clever as she thinks she is.

But by god... I want her to just move on and away from me already. I know her constantly mimicking the things I say and do are her trying to take back whatever power she thinks I stole from her, but I stole nothing. If I was inspired by someone or something, I sure as hell am going to tell people. I'm not ashamed of that.

Even in the new fandom she's apart of? I was made aware of that she basically copied my other Tumblr name for a fic of hers... only changing one word, and that's... yeah. Creepy as fuck.

But because of all of this, it made writing to Overlord (Contract and Amnesia especially) very hard. I feel like if I deleted them, she'd be happy and fuck off all ready. But no. I'm never going to give her what she wants.

She's psychopathic, and I don't know why people defend her but. Eh. Whatever.

I've been doing my best not to let her chase me out of what I love doing. That's for damn sure.

I will still write and enjoy Overlord. That'll never stop.

#i wasn't sure what to say #because i was battling with myself not to be open and honest #but no #this person is just so next level insane...#i don't know what her damn deal is but my god she needs to let it go #if i have to FORCE her to i will #i know she was mad i never deleted the chapter 4 comments but they're never going away #ever #deal with what you did and learn to do better #and go get some therapy geez #important #stalking #fandom woes #mod answers #long post #anon

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botwstoriesandsuch · 4 years

Text

[Image ID: A screenshot of an anon asking saying “I just wanna say that your tags whenever you rb art and fics are so cute 🥺 you reblogged something of mine the other day and the tags were just so nice and innocent??? It’s like watching a little kid at an aquarium 😝so as an artist I thank you, hope you don’t take it as cringy” End ID]

- - - - -

Cringey?? nonononono I may be a young kid watching the pretty fish swim aimlessly in the aquarium but I will

recklessly enjoy other people’s content don’t test me

I try to keep it in the tags cause I don’t wanna take away from the op’s original work, plus it makes it easier for other people to rb it from me, but I will amp up the love and appreciation when the situation calls for it. You could straight up come into my inbox or messages and just ask me to give you a reblog and I will do it, I do not care I love you, content creators.

Cringe Culture is dead it’s time to gush plus if I do this often enough people might do it more for me so it’s a win win hehe

Legit, I got a super sweet comment on one of my fics quoting something I wrote and it made me so happy so I was like “huh, guess I’ll do that more often then” and now I’m doing that, that’s how impressionable I am asdfghjk

Also hello?? specifically *my* tags helped you out?? I am a nobody, CLEARLY not enough people are doing this smh, allow me to teach the masses for a sec here

How To Make A Content Creator Happy: the world’s simplest guide to spreading serotonin through a keyboard

Step fucking one) You reblog it. I mean, that’s a given. You’ve all seen those “reblogs help creators out and likes do nothing” posts so I won’t rant too much. Likes are good, but reblogs are like handing someone a stack of a hundred dollars and all it takes is one click!

(PRO TIP: Hold down the button and swipe for mobile, and hold the left alt button and click once for computer [though it will only rb to your main blog. if you want it for a side-blog then you’re stuck with two clicks but HEY two clicks to help out a creator you like is nothing!])

You share it! Just share stuff. Share the ao3 like, please do it. Don’t repost, don’t just mention it, give the links especially when you’re just in conversation or talking about it around plz I swear it does wonders

Ok moving on to the super simple stuff for commenting and putting stuff in the tags because I guarantee that the op will read them

write A N Y T H I N G and I literally mean anything just fucking:

!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sdjflksdjfkjh

?!?!?!?!!?

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghhhhhhhhh

:OOOOOOOOO

prettyyy

<33333333333333333

just fucking go ham, go nuts, it doesn’t need to be coherent it just needs to EXIST the very existence of someone enjoying someone’s content gives so much serotonin so stop being silent cowards and give us a smiley face from time to time

uh what else what else....hmm [golden rule is treat others the way you want to be treated, so if you’re a creator yourself, just give whatever you would want seen in the comments of your stuff! I mean that’s how I came up with all this...]

Point out the details! I mentioned earlier about quoting stuff from fics (that stuff is just 👌👌👌 so delicious) but I’m pretty sure (I’m not an artist myself don’t quote me) that the exact same effect is present when you talk about details in art or something. So talk about that pretty snowflake in the background! Or that piece of dialogue that made you laugh. Just a simple nod to the details is a big difference between saying “I like this” versus “I like this thing that you took the time to make the effort you put into the details did not go unnoticed”

just ALL the feedback please and thank you

this might vary from person to person, though personally I love when people are like “The way you write imagery is so good please do more!!” so just give a little nod to someone like “The way you draw this character is amazing please do more” or something like that

I wouldn’t go as far as to give criticism (although personally I’m the type of person that loves the occasionally critique for future reference, cause it means that you care as much as I do about the quality of my work)

But along the same lines as the details thing, a nice nod to a creator about what they’re doing right is sooooo good! makes the butterflies flutter

~~~~~~Did that post give you emotions?~~~~~~

G O O D

~~FUCKING TELL US~~

THE ACT OF SOMEONE WRITING A SET OF LETTERS, OR SOMEONE SKETCHING A BLOB MADE ANOTHER DISTANT HUMAN BEING DEVELOP CHEMICALS IN THEIR BRAIN?? SURE WOULD LOVE TO KNOW THAT BECAUSE WOW THAT’S AMAZING!?!??

just go “I’m so happy” or “I’m so sad” just “TT__TT” just fucking “:OO” or just “I hate this” [HUMOURISTICALLY] and “I can’t believe you’ve done” just give it yes tell us the emotion that you have felt we love it

I don’t think enough people understand how amazing that is???? You were once in a normal, neutral state, and then a piece of content that I created just made you smile or laugh or cry like WHAT that’s amazing omg

Ok so that’s pretty much the simple stuff right, that’s your elementary classwork right there

Just give something, literally anything and just go “I love this so much!!!!!” bam done, you just murdered the op with your love, great job

So yeah, that’s that. Pretty simple stuff, no?

...but you wanna graduate to master class?

You wanna fucking go ape shit

you wanna just

g o t o town?

I said this was gonna be a simple guide so don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell you that you have to write a full length essay on every post that you come across

[BUT IF YOU WANT TO DON’T LET ME STOP YOU THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE AMAZING?? HELL WRITING OUT A PARAGRAPH OF A COMMENT IS ALREADY JUST *CHEFS KISS* MASTERCLASS OF MURDERING THE OP WITH LOVE JUST ANALYZING THE SHIT OUT OF THE COLORS AND SHADING AND FRAMING OR JUST POINTING OUT THE THEMES AND SUBTEXT AND CHARACTERIZATION --part of the reason I love betaing stuff so much because I can analyze shit and shower it with premature love while also helping fics to be even better than they were originally ugh so cleansing for my literature heart-- SO YEAH GIVE CREATORS A PARAGRAPH, DARE I DREAM OF PARAGRAPHS, BECAUSE WOW YES PLEASE YES]

...ahem anyway

the way to graduate from good to great as a receiver of content is

to do all this

any of this

any of this simple stupid amazing shit

and just

put it in an ask or message

that’s literally it

Let me tell you why that’s so amazing, it pumps up the already amazing dopamine dosage of these actions alone, and multiplies it by a hundred, let me tell you why

Let’s say you read a drabble. You loved it, you reblogged it, you gave it hearts and emojis and ranted for a few tags about how it made you drop your muffin on the ground. Fantastic work, you just made the op pass out.

Then you go about your day and that’s the end of that.

BUT

if you do all that

and then put it in an ASK

dare you even a direct message?? (probably not most of us on here are cowards I get that)

but an ASK, anon or otherwise?

The message you just sent to the op was “I interacted with the post you made, and I loved it so much that I went the extra mile of going to your blog to make extra extra sure you understand how much I liked your thing”

There’s a wordless wall with every post! You like and reblog the thing and move on with your day.

But the fact that YOU sent a HEART a SINGLE sentence about how you liked a thing? the fact that you BREACHED that wall and just fucking keyboard smashed in the inbox? the fact that you did that is the most amazing thing in the world

you just ambush the op with good vibes. we were expecting the bare minimum in the comments and tags, but the fact you when out of your way to make it a message or ask???? superb, outstanding, the sheer SHOCK of it will shift tectonic plates

you’re my fucking hero if you do this. you’re a godsend. I would kill for you,👏people👏would👏kill👏for👏you.

AT LEAST THEY WOULD KILL FOR YOU IF THIS ACTION DIDN’T ALREADY MURDER THEM

BE A MURDERER, NAY, A SERIAL KILLER. MURDER CONTENT CREATORS WITH LOVE

BE RECKLESSLY KIND AND LOVING YOU PIECE OF SHIT, ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE CRINGY TO STARVING AND DYING WRITERS AND ARTISTS WE WILL TAKE IT ALL GOD DAMMIT

YOU ARE A CHILD STARING UP AT AN AQUARIUM IN WONDER.

MAKE YOUR HAPPINESS STIR THE TIDES, LET YOUR PRESCENCE BE KNOWN PAST THE REFLECTION OF THE GLASS.

THE FISH ARE LOOKING FOR YOUR SMILE.

#I had to write this post in ANTI-ADHD format so that people would actually pay attention to it so apologies to the neurotypicals #IMPORTANT #👏give👏content👏to👏content👏creators👏#cause unlike for you guys the content we want doesnt need to be the highest quality #we just want a sentence about how it made you feel is that too much to ask?#just one keyboard spam plz #idk what else to tag this as #its 1 am and i have thoughts #art #not botw #writing #i just realized the analogy of fish and creators is a bit weird #i dont mean to imply that our entire existence relies on your feedback #i mean it kind of does #BUT #we're not animals and we don't OWE you content #so uh #all the more reason to give people a heart every now and then right?#this is getting a bit ranty #i'll leave before i embarrass myself further #long post

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drethanramslay · 4 years

Text

Voicemails (part 1)

Pairing: Ethan x mc

Word count: 5.5 K words (damn that's the most I have written

Masterlist

Warning: ANGST

Taglist: @miyakokurono @trappedinfandoms @openheart12 @sekizincimektup @junggoku @ethandaddyramsey @edith-eggs1 @ethanramseysgirl @samihatuli @loveellamae @x-kyne-x @paulfwesley @zeniamiii @binny1985 @an-urban-witch-ig @ramseyegerton @noboundariesplease @mrsdr-ethan-ramsey @newcolonies @theodorepjames4 @unluckygs @choices-love-affair @kaavyaethanramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @ohramsey @virtualrain202 @squishywizardhq @junehiratas @lilyvalentine @nooruleman @itsgoingnuts @cordonianbleu @agent-breakdance @jamespotterthefirst @choicesfanaf @temptress-of-death-and-desire @ac27dj @rookiefromedenbrook @gaiusimp @theeccentricbibliophile @oofchoices @hatescapsicum @sanchita012 @edgiestwinter (if you want to be added to the taglist, let me know ☺️)

Author's note: Well I know I said I was going on semi hiatus but, my studies are going great so I decided to post 🤪 also, shout out to @kittykatchoices for helping me in bouncing ideas( she is amazing)

also I went full out and posted screenshots and dividers sike

Songs: Callin by Alec Bailey is my main muse but I made a playlist too

Forgive me if there are any errors

Day 1

Ethan was jolted awake from his slumber as the flight touched down. It continued to speed down the runaway when it eventually reduced to a slow crawl and he saw the glass facade of the airport, glinting in the afternoon sun.

AEROPORTO INTERNACIONAL DE MANAUS EDUARDO GOMES. The banner read and Ethan let the reality sink in that he actually was in the state of Amazonas, South America.

"Welcome to Manaus International Airport. The weather here is partly sunny with 98% chance of precipitation. The temperature is..."

Ethan zoned out. His back was killing him and the need to stretch was becoming unbearable. Even though the WHO team of doctors had settled in comfortably in the plush seats of the private jet, it was a very boring flight.

There is a certain restrictions to the number of boring and wasteful romantic comedies you could watch in a 40 hour flight.

They did have 2 stops for refueling but they weren't allowed to step out of the plane.

God I want to go on a run so bad. He thought mentally as he massaged his spasming neck.

The doctors kicked back and relaxed, ocassionally discussing the cholera epidemic break out in Tefé, a small city on the riverside. It was very productive and they did manage to make a dent in the treatment plan but, when everybody was asleep and it was just him and his thoughts.

And his thoughts mostly revolved around the reason why he volunteered to join these prestigious doctors to battle the epidemic.

It wasn't out of selflessness, or the need to save humanity or for some mindless award.

It was an opportunity.

An opportunity to run from the girl who has invaded his head and heart, and resided there.

Leah.

You are doing this for her own good. You are doing this for her professional development. You are doing this for her success. Feelings are fleeting, they will fade away. Ethan repeated those sentences like mantra, trying to ingrain it in his mind that he was doing the right thing leaving her behind.

No call, no text. A clean break.

But no matter how much you lie to your brain, you can't lie to your heart.

Ethan you know you are running away from her because she confessed that she loved you, stop lying to yourself. The snarky inside voice spoke up.

But, if he paid attention to it closely, it sounded just like Leah, calling him out in his bullshit.

He shook his head, trying to erase all the thoughts in his head as the aero-bridge connected to the door and they were opened. Standing up, he stretched his sore muscles and took out his duffle bag.

When he reached the exit, the air hostess with a face caked with makeup, gave him a polite smile. "Hope you had a pleasant flight doctor."

Pleasant my ass...

As he walked through the corridors towards the baggage claim area, he switched on his phone.

As he stood there waiting, he saw an influx of messages from Naveen and his dad.

But that was not what caught his eye.

Leah🌞

(3) missed calls (1) voicemail -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was midnight here and around 1 am in Boston.

Ethan walked out of the bathroom, exhausted to the bone. It had been a long day for him. The moment they had landed they had been rushed to Tefé, where they dived straight into work. The hospital was already flooding and there was so much pain and suffering all around.

Ethan has the emotions of a block of granite but, seeing so much misery and sadness, made his energies drop low.

And it did not help that the pocket in which his phone was kept, was weighing him down.

(1) voicemail from Leah🌞.

He wanted to delete it immediately but every time his finger hovered above the delete button, he just could not. So, he let it lay there in his inbox as a heavy reminder.

The moment Ethan's back hit the mattress a huge sigh of relief escaped his lips. He was weary and his body ached.

But, sleep didn't come to him.

He just lay there staring at the ceiling, seeing the different shadows casted by the moonlight. He saw the shadows of the trees swaying and the reflection of the Amazon.

His eyes landed on his phone on the bedside table and he stared at it for a long time, contemplating if listening to the voicemail was worth it or not.

You don't have to respond...

But, then my resolve will weaken...

His logic and conscience went back and forth but there wasn't any clear winner.

If this is what having feelings for someone is like, I don't want it...

But, you would take a 100 leap of faiths for Leah, won't you?

"ARGH!" Ethan threw the comforter off and got up. He started pacing around the room, trying to work off his restlessness. He walked around the room, his eyes trained on the phone as if it was a bomb. He clenched his jaw and tried to not let one insignificant notification affect him, but it was getting harder with every passing minute.

"Ah fuck it." Ethan said as he picked up the phone to listen to the voicemail. Leah's uncertain and raw voice flooded which forced him to lie down because of the emotions which bubbled to the surface.

"Umm.. hey Ethan, Leah here. I..uh heard that you went to the Amazon to fight the cholera epidemic from Naveen today... And I am proud of you but, I know that is not the reason why you ran, is it?

It's because I said 'I love you' three days ago, isn't it?"

Leah's voice cracked as she took a deep breath, before continuing.

"Are those three words that scary?

I had prepared myself that you would ignore my very existence and shut out all the feelings and that would have been painful but bearable, but... You literally ran to another fucking continent?!"

She bitterly chuckled and Ethan's heart squeezed.

"I don't even know what to do at this point. Don't they say that you should confess your feelings the moment you realize them, otherwise you will regret it? But... I can't help but feel regret... Why do I even try? I should have just shut the fuck up and get on with my day but NO! I had to open my mouth and here I am here talking to your answering machine.

I just can't help but feel that I let you slip away from me...

Anyways, it's okay.. I will wait. I promised you I would always wait.

Just...come back to me..okay? Bye."

The phone beeped, signalling the end of the voicemail. Ethan lowered his hand to stare at his phone's screen.

"I love you Ethan. And it's okay if you don't say it back. I know you need time and I will be here waiting for you..."

That's what she had said three days ago. And as much as they lifted him, it pained him. He was confused and just couldn't think straight. He needed some space.

But, he could feel his resolution weakening. The itch to dial that number and talk to her was irresistible.

You made a promise to yourself Ethan. You can't go back on that now.

He let out a deep sigh and ran his hand through his brown locks. His eyes landed on the table on which there was the complementary stationary provided by the b&b. An idea slowly bloomed in his head and he nodded to himself.

Sure I can't call her. But atleast I can write down my reply so that it won't keep on being a burden on my shoulder.

With that being said, Ethan sat down on the desk and poured his heart out on the loose sheets of papers.

DAY 10

For the next ten days, Ethan would keep an eye on the phone for any notification.

And by any notification, it meant a voicemail or a message from that one particular woman who had him in the palm of her hand.

He would get excited whenever his phone would ping but, his hopes would immediately crash when it would just be a message from the telecom company telling him about his telephone bill.

After he got his seventh 'Bem-vindo à Amazônia'(welcome to the Amazons,) he just let out a sigh of disappointment and turned his phone off and got on with his day.

I am such a moron... Look at where the mighty have fallen. The person who hated texting looks forward to a text. Ethan chastised himself as he entered the local hospital for a busy day.

Around noon when he headed to the cafeteria down the street, he turned his phone on to find a notification that made his heart beat faster.

(1) voicemail from Leah🌞

He pressed the button and brought the phone to his ear.

"Hey Ethan, just wanted to update you on the hospital and your patients. Everything is running smoothly and all your patients are alive. Chief Naveen and someone named Dr. Hirata are managing them. Mrs. Rodriguez went home today and she left you some cookies which I may or may not have stolen because well... they might catch fungi and that's sure would be a tragedy. Also, you don't even like anything sweet and would have given it to me anyways."

Ethan could imagine her shrugging as she stuffed her face with a cookie. That mental image was way too cute and Ethan couldn't help but melt a little. He sat down on his designated seat in the cafeteria and Leah continued.

"Also, Mr. Agarwal from room 456 was taken in by Harper for emergency brain surgery. He had an aneurysm and is in recovery. So far, he is showing great scope of a full recovery.

In short, everything is fine and smoothly running in your absence.

To be honest, I don't miss you that much. It just feel like a normal day when you are in one side of the hospital and I am in the opposite side. But... When I cross your office before clocking out, instead of seeing you working on your desk or lounging on the couch in your office, I just see emptiness.

And then that reminds me of the emptiness in my chest... But fuck that, who cares?!

Seriously, I don't miss you at all. But... That doesn't mean it's an invitation to stay in the Amazons indefinitely.

I would very much like it if you come back to me...okay? Bye."

A grin decorated his face and it made him so happy that his cheekbones were hurting. He shook his head as he put his phone down on the wooden table.

I don't miss you at all...

Who are you trying to convince sunshine?

Those words may be biting but he also knew his sunshine pretty well. He knew that she also missed him the way he did but, both of them were stubborn and had their heads all the way up their asses.

Neither of them were going to cave in and confess.

It's a tiring game and Ethan often wondered how long is he going to last.

So with his head full of thoughts, he took out the hotel stationary and began writing his response.

DAY 19

"Put the patients in bed number 4 and 25 in the recovery ward and ask if they are willing to provide blood for plasma therapy. Bed number 20 is going downhill so increase the dosage of the narrow spectrum antibiotics from 100mg to 250 mg every two hours. And..."

Ethan turned around and let his eyes run over the different patients. He was covered from head to toe in scrubs and goggles donned his face. The mask muffled his speech.

"Bed number 40 should move to another ward because it isn't too severe in her case. And can you update me on the patients in the gymnasium?" Ethan asked as he looked up from the clipboard.

"Most of them are infected sir. We have been segregating them from the healthy ones. We made the banquet hall the centre of testing and if anyone tests positive we are either sending that person to the hospital or to the gym. We have even initiated lockdown to prevent the spread of the disease." The doctor spoke with a heavy Portuguese accent.

"Good. Keep me informed about the patients in bed 12, 39, and 26 throughout the night."

"Yes Dr. Ramsey. Boa noite!"

"Good night."

Ethan walked out of the isolation ward and headed into the locker room where he could sterilize himself. Getting out of the numerous layers of scrubs was a task in itself and he felt so suffocated in them.

As he pealed out the layers off his sweaty body and removed the mask he stepped into the shower cubicle and turned the tap on.

He sighed in relief as the cold water washed over him, washing away the day's dirt, grime and sadness. Working in the isolation ward was never easy. It was always filled with fear and despair. Ethan would try his best to make them comfortable but, he never had a knack of people's skills.

If Leah was here she would have them laughing in no time. The thought rushed through his mind.

Leah.

Ethan was missing her terribly. The first few days were easy to handle the absence but now? Good lord, he craved her.

She was his sunshine and she always knew how to lift his spirits up when he had a rough day be it by cracking awful dad jokes, her infamous puns or her just being around him.

He missed those hazel eyes which would fill up with concern the moment she noticed his discomfort. He missed the way she would reach out for his hand and squeeze it twice when they were in broad daylight. He missed the way she would wrap her arms around his waist and lean her head against his chest when it was just them.

He stepped out of the cubicle, water dripping down his toned abs. He slipped on a fresh pair of jeans and a plain tshirt. He was about to pick up his messenger bag when he saw the screen of his phone light up with a notification.

Leah🌞

(1) missed call (1) voicemail

Ethan gave a small smile before pressing the button to hear the message.

"So apparently now I am Jenner's emergency contact, huh?"

Amusement laced her voice and Ethan groaned, hiding his face with hand. He hoped that Leah would never have to know but now the secret is out and all he wanted to do was curl up and hide.

She chuckled before continuing. "Don't be embarassed Ethan. I think that it is cute and I am so glad that you can trust me with your girl. Look at you, growing up and trusting people."

Ethan chuckled and Leah's tinkling laugh joined his.

"Basically, Jenner's dog sitter had to go out on an emergency so she called me to go to your apartment and feed her. Not going to lie but... I am scared."

She sighed before continuing.

"It's just that once I cross the threshold and see the cold empty penthouse shrouded in darkness... It would confirm that you are actually gone and that I can not continue living in the state of denial.

So, if you are getting calls from your neighbours that there is a hobo muttering to herself and pacing in front of your door, that's me."

Nervous laughter resounded on the line followed by another sigh.

"...you know what, fuck it. It's just a door."

Jingling of keys was heard on the line and it was shortly followed by excited barks.

"Oomph!" Leah was cut off by Jenner tackling her. A crash was heard, which might probably be the phone falling down on the ground.

Ethan smiled. He liked seeing his girls interacting.

Leah's coos were heard along with barks and whines from Jenner. Leah's voice sounded faraway as she spoke to Jenner in a baby voice.

"Oh girl... Don't be sad. I know he hurt you by leaving you here all alone. But you are not alone. Well, he hurt me too. So, don't worry we are on the same boat girl."

Those words were like a sucker punch in the gut and Ethan could not help but sit down on the bench as an after effect.

Don't worry... He hurt me too... Those words continue to echo through his head. He knew that Leah didn't say those words intentionally but, it just made him realise just how much of a facade she had put up, to hide her pain.

God, sunshine...

Leah's voice continued. "Well Jenner misses you too. We are okay, aren't we?" An excited bark sounded throught the phone and Leah chuckled.

"Sorry to disturb you. Go back to do your job of saving lives. You are doing a service to humanity Ethan, and I am super proud. You are so brave."

There was a pause before Leah blurted out.

"I- I miss you Ethan. A lot. And it hurts not seeing you here. But don't worry about me, I am a strong cookie and I will stay strong... For you. I just have one request though..

Come back to me soon...okay? Bye."

You have reached the end of the voicemail. If you want to hear agai-

Ethan immediately pressed the button and he heard her voice through the speaker of his phone. As she spoke, Ethan hauled a taxi to take him to his b&b.

You are doing a service to humanity... You are so brave..

Oh sunshine, if only you knew... it wasn't bravery.

I miss you a lot...

I miss you too sunshine...

Ethan sat and stared out of the window of his cab, a turmoil of emotions just running wildly in him as the words of the woman he loved, ran in his mind.

DAY 28

It was 12 am in Tefé and Ethan sat on the edge of his bed, staring at his phone's screen with narrowed gaze.

C'mon Ethan, don't be a pussy. It's just a message.

And that one message will be the breaking point for all of my will power and resolve. Might as well catch a flight home and personally wish her.

You are blowing things out of proportion... His inner voice reasoned.

"Shut the fuck up." Ethan exhaled, clenching his jaw, the muscle ticking as his eyes again landed on the blinking cursor, mocking him.

It was the 29th of April.

His sunshine's birthday.

And Ethan sat, twiddling his thumbs, contemplating what to type and send.

His thoughts went to last year when they were so at ease and could stay up and talk for hours but now, here he was, not able to formulate a single text message for the girl he had feelings for.

What have we come to?

Ethan couldn't help but feel guilty all of a sudden. Doubt clouded his mind and he wondered if running to the Amazon was really a good idea or not.

I needed space to think and figure out this 'love' thing... Right?

Shaking his head, he cleared all those lingering doubts and looked down at his phone again and wrote what came to his mind.

When did the great Ethan Ramsey get so cheesy? His inner voice snickered.

As he continued to read and re-read the message again and again, he started hating what he wrote.

"This is utter garbage. Who in their right mind uses emojis? Fuck this." Ethan muttered as he erased the entire message. He locked his phone and placed it on the bedside table before getting comfortable in the sheets and slipping into a deep slumber.

11:57 am Ethan had finished his rounds and was just taking a five minute break before he headed into the conference room where the team of doctors would discuss their approach.

The condition did improve a bit here on Tefé, but it was a massive outbreak and things were getting harder to control. It was a stress fest 24/7 and Ethan could feel his brown locks greying by the second.

In this five minute break, instead of grabbing something to eat and regroup his thoughts, he stood in the hallway, looking down at his phone. He had typed another message with lesser mixed signals.

Well... This sounds robotic... No wonder Leah called me Dr. Terminator the first time. Ethan snorted as he shook his head, disappointed.

He was about to type more when he heard his name being called by one of his colleagues.

"Dr. Ramsey, we are good to go."

Ethan looked up and curtly nodded. "Yes, I'm coming." He locked his phone and slipped into the pocket of his denim jeans, diving into work again.

7:16 pm Ethan was sat down on the bench outside the hospital and let out a breath of relief. He had been on his feet since the last 5 hours, running between the gymnasium, the hospital and the banquet hall.

The mask and goggles he had worn, had left bruises on his face and he just needed a fresh breath of air. Ethan took big gulps of the humid air which had hints of rain.

The thing about Tefé was that it rained everyday, without doubt. He enjoyed the rain but hated the humidity which was an inconvenient side effect. Though it was relatively cool at night, Ethan's shirt stuck to his chiseled body due to the excessive sweat.

Ethan took his phone out of the pocket and opened the messaging app again. "Short and sweet is better." Ethan mumbled as he started typing again.

He was half way through the message when his phone died due to the low battery. Ethan just looked up at the sky with defeat.

Was this the time to come at me karma?

He was about to head to the locker room to put his phone on charging when he heard panicked voices calling him. "Dr. Ramsey!"

"Yes?" He got up and started jogging to the entrance.

"Five patients in isolation ward CC-23 are deteriorating and they need help ASAP. We are short-handed and-"

"Say no more. We have lives to save."

12:00 am It was a stressful evening to say the least.

The patients kept on flat lining and Ethan and the staff tried bringing them back to life by injecting them with adrenaline. After a giving quite a few scares, they were finally stable and moved to the ICU.

Ethan dropped his duffle bag on to the sofa in his b&b and stretched his arms above his head, cracking his neck to release the tension in his shoulders. He fished his phone out of his pocket and immediately connected it to the charging port.

His screen lit up after sometime and he saw a notification which made his heart sink.

Leah🌞 (1) voicemail

I could not wish her...

Ethan opened his notifications and pressed on the voicemail she left, preparing himself to face the music.

"Uh..hi Ethan. I hope things are going as smooth as they can over there. I have been reading the news and keeping up with the situation there. I ain't worried about that because well... You are Ethan freaking Ramsey, the best diagnostician of your generation!"

Nervous laughter flitted through the phone speaker before it turned into a sigh.

"I know you are busy with the epidemic and all but... You missed my birthday. And- and I don't want to sound like those middle school teenager crying over an unwished birthday but... It hurts when the love of your life doesn't do it.

I have been trying to reason with myself that you could have forgotten but, I know you. I know that you never forget... And I didn't expect an elaborate gesture or anything! Even a small 'happy birthday Leah' message could have made my day... And I know you are caught up in your work but... How long does it take to type three words?"

Leah's voice cracked and Ethan felt regret gripping at his throat.

"Ethan- I am running out of reasons to convince myself. I am running out of those optimistic reinforcing shit. I am running out of the the number of benefits of doubts to give you. I am running out of faith that you feel the same way as me.

The longer I am spending time without any communication from you, the more I am loosing myself into the vicious cycle of doubt and self loathing.

I am angry at you and I hate you so much right now. I want to burn down your sweater in my closet and throw away the sun pendant you gave me. Just forget that you existed and go back to being the old happy me."

Ethan gasped, feeling breathless all of a sudden. The heavy burden of her pain and his self loathing was crushing his chest, making it difficult for him to breathe.

In a soft, broken voice Leah spoke.

"But I won't. I don't have the strength to yank the necklace off me. Even though it burns me and is a reminder of the person who left me, I still wear it. Even though your name hurts me, I still want to hear it...

...I love you Ethan, so damn much that it hurts me. I need you Ethan, I really do and I know it's selfish of me but...

Just come back to me... Please. Bye."

Ethan leaned his elbows on his knees and let out a breath which rattled through his body. He put his head in his hands and let out another breath, trying to breathe through the heart shattering pain.

I am so sorry sunshine...

So fucking sorry...

DAY 36

It had been eight days since the last voicemail and Ethan had been tormented, swimming in gut wrenching guilt.

Most of the times he found himself reaching for the phone to call her, but he would just clench his fist and resume his work. All the words left unsaid, he would just pour it out on to the loose sheets of paper. That was the only thing that prevented him from slipping into insanity.

He was never one to understand the sentimental reason behind having a diary or journal. From a scientific perspective, he knew that it has long lasting effects in mental health and helps get rid of the anxiety.

But now, whenever he felt like he was going to get crushed under the guilt, he often found himself writing.

If he wasn't writing, he would be working. He started staying at the hospital longer and worked for longer hours so that he could tire himself out. That way, when he went to sleep, he would immediately fall asleep.

But still, no matter how much he tried, his thoughts would always go back to her.

Funny how one person could make or break your life.

It was 4:45 am and Ethan was in the lab, checking in on the newest vaccine that they had worked on. The doctors had been utilising the plasma of the recovered patients to formulate vaccines using the antibodies created in defense. And so far, it had been helping them. They were already vaccinating the asymptomatic people and it made a huge impact.

But still, there was a long way to go.

"Dr. Ramsey, why are you still here?" Dr. Batra, a 50 year old woman from India asked, her voice laced with inquisitiveness.

"Just working on the vaccine strains, Dr. Batra."

"You and I both know that those strains are highly effective." She said as she leaned against the door frame.

"Never hurt to be perfect." He shrugged as he leaned back from the microscope.

"But it does hurt when you over work yourself."

Ethan sighed as he took his glasses off. He rubbed his face.

"How long have you been awake Ethan?" Dr. Batra asked, the maternal concern evident in her tone.

Silence.

"Ethan..." She gave him a stern look.

"Yeah, yeah I will go now. After some ti-"

"You do know that avoiding your problems won't make them go away, right?"

Ethan's eyes snapped to her and immediately looked away not able to hold her gaze. She reminded him of Naveen and how he could never hide anything for him.

I wonder how he is doing...

"But I am delaying the inevitable, as most doctors must do."

"Ethan... I have known you for a very short duration but, I know for a fact that you are not a man who gives excuses."

Ethan sighed. "It's complicated."

"As must all the things in this universe."

"It's just... There is this girl, and she confessed her feelings for me. And the intensity of the feelings scared me. So here I am, taking a break. But... There is this small pain in my chest whenever I think about her. She fills me up with euphoria but can also break me down. When I reflect back on all the happy moments, I get light headed, as if I am on drugs. That is why I am here, to analyse and figure out my feelings whilst helping with the epidemic."

"Well... I think you know the answer but, you are just living in a state of denial."

Ethan sighed as he looked down at his hands. "Don't I know that?"

"Well, if you know the answer then what's stopping you?"

"I-" they were interrupted by the shrill ring of Ethan's phone. He saw the name 'Leah🌞' and pressed the silent button immediately.

"You won't take that?" she asked eyeing the phone.

"I don't think I am strong enough to do that."

"Love is for the brave Ethan. Remember that." She got up and patted his shoulder before stepping out. The sun rays filtered through the gigantic windows of the lab, slowly illuminating the clinical set up with its golden rays. Ethan picked up the phone and saw that Leah had left another voicemail.

Picking up the phone, he stood in front of the window, letting the warmth of the sun wash over him. Be brought the phone to his ear and he heard her.

"Hey. Its 6 am here and I was bored so I decided to call you. Or leave a voicemail because you never pick up my call. I was just feeling lonely so here I am! Kinda ironic but meh.”

Ethan could hear her shrug though the phone.

“I have been taking double shifts all week and it's been so productive. The cool cases I have done and solved, the lives I have saved... they have been giving me my quota of serotonin.

Literally nothing interests or makes me happy now. So my job is the only thing which I look forward to. The things I used to enjoy doing, seems like a chore.

Everything seems like a chore.

Sleeping, eating, breathing, everything seems like an exhausting task. I don't even like sleeping anymore. Because whenever I sleep I dream fo you and when I dream of you, it's like I am being stabbed in the heart.

I don't even want to go home, because whenever I am home, I see your sweater and then my mind goes back to the numerous night outs we had, working on our cases.

The hospital is okay but, every corner I turn I think I see you which, I am going to blame on my sleep deprivation. Don't worry, I am not going into self destruct mode. I still force myself to eat three square meals a day and I get around 4 hours of sleep for every 48 hours I am awake.

So it's okay... I am okay.

I maybe a ticking time bomb BUT, I am not a working hazard. I am alert at all times and all my patients are in tip top condition. I think I should give credit to the two energy drinks I downed along with a cup of coffee.

Don't worry, my heartbeat is under the safe limit of 180 BPM.

In short, don't worry. I am golden.

I hope you are taking care of yourself too! I just hope that you come back to me.

Bye. Love you."

"FUCK!" Ethan exclaimed as he threw he phone with a thud on the table. He placed his palms on the cool granite countertop, breathing heavily.

Shit, shit, shit.

He started pacing in the lab, playing with his beard, his mind racing with worry and concern.

This was not supposed to happen.

Ethan stood and gripped the counter again closing his eyes, trying to centre his breathing but it was futile.

I need to do something, anything! His conscience egged him.

He opened his eyes and it landed on his phone.

Well, I guess it's time to make a call.

well, I hope you guys liked it!

do you think Ethan finally caved in and called her?

like, comment, reblog and let me know what do you think :))

271 notes · View notes

breadclubrising · 4 years

Note

Why do you believe another gl reunion would make Ibushi fulfilled? Bc last time he seemed pretty annoyed by the end of it, saying he was just being tossed aside as "Kenny's replacement" and "I have nothing else to do in this tournament" and ofc the "I've always been alone". Why would it be different now?

wellllllllllll because the GL story has a surprising amount of nuance for a wrestling storyline, and has kind of deliberately mixed kayfabe with real life in such a way that you can’t talk about them separately a lot of the time.

i DEFINITELY didn’t say he ‘needs’ it to be ‘fulfilled’, because that is a thing that would give me hives to say. i have many times said he doesn’t need Kenny and that’s been the point, is that they both totally can be great without each other, but they keep choosing each other and even if they’re successful in their careers, they are unhappy when they’re apart. if you find that disagreeable, please email kota (i know for a fact he does not check his email because of course he doesn’t). What I said was: it is how their careers will play out because they literally say that will happen and they have gone to LENGTHS in real life to make it happen.

i saw someone on twitter who bothered to take a screenshot of some galaxy brain on reddit finally figuring out that ibushi and omega see each other as endgame, and captioned it something like ‘golden lovers is the worst story in wrestling please stop.’ which is totally an opinion you are welcome to have but also, the part about them being each other’s endgame is a thing they both have said and kenny in particular will never let anyone forget. i do not understand why people give it the ‘lol shut up fangirl shippers’ treatment when it’s a thing that has been telegraphed since the beginning of time, unless you are calling ibushi and omega fangirl shippers, which you actually probably should bc no one ships GL more. anyway, i actually completely get why people who don’t like the storyline, or don’t like kenny, or whatever, have a different reading of the actual events that took place. but it means that you asking me this question isn’t going to get you a satisfying answer, and that makes me feel like you’re just asking me this to make me feel bad for liking a thing incorrectly.

but you did ask, which is totally on you, so: Ibushi said (explicitly, in interviews, and on twitter) that he was frustrated with himself for not Reaching His Potential. He never expressed frustration with Kenny, or even with NJPW’s booking. He wasn’t even officially signed until a couple months after Kenny left.

It was like this: he was an outsider in the company. He was always paired with the guy who is like, certified by the belt to be The Best Wrestler In The World. That guy had a problem like the bus in Speed, except instead of having to maintain a speed of 60mph to avoid exploding, the bus has to constantly say its boyfriend is the coolest. So Kenny, the best wrestler in the world according to kayfabe, is like ‘actually my mans here is the best wrestler in the world’ and kota’s like ‘thanks i love you too but i’m pretty sure you’re the one with the belt and the pwi cover and 437 meltzer stars you fucking labradoodle.’ (I’d bet money Kota does not know what a labradoodle is.) Kenny’s stanning was sweet and well-intentioned but to Kota it only highlighted the achievement gulf between them. And it did not help that his mentor Tanahashi was like ‘allow me to highlight the achievement gulf between you and your genetically inferior labradoodle boyfriend, whomst i don’t like for Reasons.’

And that made Ibushi be like ‘i’m 36 (at the time) years old and I have every muscle and yet, no accolades. the fact that i have not yet managed to be the unequivocal best and that i foolishly had a body and feelings is shameful and weak.’

That’s how he is: he beats himself up about stuff like goddamn taking time off to heal from neck surgery and a mental breakdown, and the unforgivable sin of not being quite sure what direction he wanted to take his career. It felt really bad! It deffos did! But his frustration was not directed where you think it was! But that’s the part I said you’re not going to agree with me on, so!

There was so much going ON in this story and it was really GOOD! Like all the stuff with Tanahashi was incredible and heart-wrenching and you just wanted to both smack and hug all three of them and it was a really good story!

Sometimes I just need to remind myself of that bc people who dislike the Golden Lovers are very reductive about why they assume people like the thing they do not like. But yes, it actually is a good story, now that I type a tiny part of it out like that; not my fault some people seem to have missed the epic heroes’ journeys forest for the gay love story trees. Not that there’s anything wrong with gay love story trees; also very much part of the forest.

Anyway Anon, part of the reason earlier on I speculated that you just came to my inbox to try to make me feel sad for liking things in a way you did not was that... honestly. HOW did ANYONE watch Ibushi say “I was always alone, before” after he won the 2019 G1 and go “king said ‘new career who dis’ and deleted kenneth’s number from his phone! 👏always 👏alone 👏before 👏!!!’

Like yeah those are the words he said but, you know, words can mean a lot of things! and personally, I think it’s relevant that those words were enveloped by a heartbreakingly pained smile that says ‘GREAT question Tokyo Sports, i WILL cry RIGHT here at this FUCKING folding table if you do not IMMEDIATELY pretend along with me that my existence began earlier this evening when I entered this arena. thanks in advance!’ Like!

Yep, look at that smug fuck pretending not to know who his shitty ex is! Prolly thinking of some good labradoodle jokes.

(On the real i know that not everyone is good at ascertaining emotion from facial expressions. I get that, and I’m not gonna dog on anyone for it, because I myself am often not great at it. And honestly? If he meant this in the “I don’t know her” sense, I would probably have loved it, bc I am a Kota Ibushi fan first, a human second, an antifa supersoldier third, and then a Golden Lovers Scholar like somewhere in the low 20s. But... I can’t even pretend that reading works for me. I hate looking at these gifs. That’s how much this reads to me as Having A Bad Time, like this man’s face is among my favorite things to view on this horrible planet and my heart feels like it’s being poked with a broken toothpick every time these gifs loop.)

And finally, because of the thing I said in the first paragraph that I wrote when I was like “i’m just gonna write a quick answer to this ask” like some kind of fucking fool who has never seen my own blog: it would not “be different now”, it has always been this story, and both Kenny and Kota say that when they are able to. It mixes kayfabe with real life, and in real life it’s really clear that it’s endgame for both of them, and I’m very sorry to GL haters but please direct your displeasure with the narrative to the two nerds who are determined to continue it across decades and oceans.

#kota ibushi #golden lovers #has anyone ever been on their bullshit as much as me right now?#why would you ask me this question #you just hate me and wanted to make me look at the sad angel gifs :(#well played #Anonymous

35 notes · View notes

angelichl · 4 years

Note

how am i in the wrong? saying that people who use the label Larry make you uncomfortable is just so odd to me as you wrote fics under that relationship but then you get to criticise others for using that term? like i just don’t think it’s that serious? and the fandom isn’t bullies?? idk, i think you getting pressed and righting essay responses is lowkey over the top when all I’m saying is that it’s shitty to be like Larry makes me uncomfortable and imply that the fandom is bullies/toxic

Anonymous said: like this community has been so positive, I’ve got to share my art through it and make friends with similar efforts and getting labelled as bullies/toxic/people that make others uncomfortable is shit. im sorry if I pissed you off but like your tone comes across as criticising a fandom and telling them they’re not as chill/respectful as you because them shipping Larry is “extreme”. can’t always get tone from writing tho so im sorry if i misinterpretated what you said

Anonymous said: also never threatened to dox you? and if that did happen, I’m sorry because that’s super fucked

ok first of all I’m glad your fandom experience has been positive!!! that’s really great

moving on- you’re twisting my words up / still not getting what I’m trying to say. I’ll try to word it differently. this all started bc I reblogged a post where someone screenshotted their inbox, which showed it was full of variations of people asking “are you still a larrie?” in different ways and I related to that bc that’s what my inbox looks like. I’ve always ignored those messages or replied to them vaguely (which makes some people mad) because of what I’ve been trying to explain: I personally don’t want to use the “larrie” label for myself. I’m not judging other people who claim that label, I’m not criticizing them, this has nothing to do with them, it’s all about me lol. the label comes with a set of beliefs that I personally do not follow, beyond thinking HL were probably/definitely in love at least at one point in time. I’m trying to be a more casual fan, enjoy their music and the content they create without getting wrapped up in their personal lives. thus I feel like the term larrie does not suit me, and that’s a personal decision, we’re just talking about me here, I’m not judging anyone else. what i am ‘judging’ or being critical of is the bullying that some people (not everyone! there are many kind people out there and I think you are one of those kind people!!) engage in, that I want no part of. thus I have, for the past year or so, distanced myself from that part of the fandom when I used to be very invested in it. I get that this can sound preachy or like I’m on my high horse or whatever but i promise that’s not my intention, I’m just trying to explain myself, the only people I’m being critical of are the people who are legitimately mean. in my experience this fandom is toxic (despite the many many lovely people!) but like, so is every fandom so idk. taking a step back.

also I get that it’s a bit murky in a fandom for real life people instead of fictional characters, but I personally prefer to draw a line between fan fic and real life stuff. what I’m trying to say is that when I write fan fic, I’m ‘shipping’ two people together like one would do to fictional characters, not writing about how I believe reality truly is. in my mind there are very separate parts of the fandom — writing fic vs. theorizing about the intricate personal details of harry and louis’ real lives. I used to do that but I don’t anymore, I am a more casual/chill fan, I’ve set boundaries for myself etc and the fun thing is everyone gets to decide where they set their boundaries. I’m not judging other people, just explaining that I’ve set my boundaries in a different place which is why I don’t reblog certain text posts which is why I then have people in my inbox (not you) demanding I declare I’m not a larrie anymore.

idk what I’m even saying anymore, but I think it would be nice if our side of the fandom was more critical of itself. I’m not saying you personally are bullying anyone. I’m saying that I’ve seen a lot of rude to straight up mean/cruel replies to otherwise harmless asks. I’ve seen a lot of name calling and pressuring/coercing everyone to believe the exact same thing (i.e. this all or nothing mentality where if you don’t believe HL did x y and z then you must be a solo stan). idk

and lastly, since the beginning of 2020 I’ve had 3 separate people threaten to dox me which like.. idk might not seem like a big deal but it made me super anxious and paranoid at first and now I’m just annoyed. I’m not even a big blog. I’m just here to listen to music, get excited for tour, and maybe write fic. I feel like doing none of that when I get bombarded with all these messages saying “just admit that you’re ___ and that you hate ___” and when people threaten to use personal information against me. so yeah maybe i am criticizing this fandom, but I’m doing it because I’ve witnessed and experienced some very concerning behaviors and im trying to fix it so that I don’t have to leave

#most of what i’m talking about has nothing to do with you anon -#i’m just trying to explain that i’ve experienced and witnessed toxic behaviors #i hope this makes sense #adri answers #anonymous

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missfaber · 5 years

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author interview

I was tagged by @orangeflavoryawp, thank you so much!

I already know I’m going to enjoy this way too much, writing is such a lonely endeavor and I just love talking about it, sooo... I apologize in advance for rambling.

name: Madeline/Maddie

fandoms: this is complicated because there’s fandoms I very much consider myself a part of because they’re just a huge part of my life, even though I don’t contribute content to them, and then there’s fandoms I do create content for. So idk where the line is drawn!

fandoms I contribute/ have contributed to: Avatar the Last Airbender, Game of Thrones, Merlin BBC, Once Upon a Time, Legend of Korra

fandoms I haven’t contributed to but are so dear to me: Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings (my two favorite things ironically lol), and lots more

where you post: AO3, used to be ff.net and livejournal too

most popular one shot: by kudos, it’s as if death itself was undone (zutara, atla: katara wakes up to azula in their house and wants to find out a) why she is welcome b) why zuko is acting so weird)

most popular multichapter: by kudos, it’s soldier, go bravely on (jonsa + gendrya, got, complete, rewrite of the last episode of got with sweetness and angst and action, and may i say some common sense?)

favorite story you wrote: fuck omg this is difficult lol! because I both criticize and love all my stories in equal measure, I honestly don’t write anything that i don’t love, that doesn’t give me butterflies / actual chest pain (from angst). I feel like I’m being asked to choose a favorite child lol. so I’ll try to justify these picks somehow...

closest to my heart: soldier, go bravely on (also mentioned above). this is the fic that brought me back to writing fic, and to tumblr even! I was on hiatus (that I didn’t know was a hiatus because I had no intention of coming back) for six years before writing this fic. I wrote it so quickly after the got finale, it was such a passionate and fevered few days and it just sucked me back in to everything I used to love as a teenager. It was also a nice stretch out of my comfort zone, because of the dialogue (which was so tightly planned it’s ridiculous, I wrote the whole fic as a screenplay type thing first to make sure there wasn’t a single dialogue word not needed) and tv-episode style. It’s also such a wish-fulfillment fic that I can’t read certain parts without getting a bit teary. for all those reasons and more, this fic will always be so special to me.

most proud of: wolf, circle north (jonsa, got, alternate season 7 & 8). this is the longest fic I’ve ever attempted and the number I’ve hours I’ve sunk into it is astounding and i should be ashamed. It’s going to be obscenely long (my outline is 70+ chapters) and when I pull it off, best believe it’s going into a bound book so I can look at how thicc it is and be like, “I did that!” lol. The range of POVs is one of the most challenging but most rewarding part of this fic, and why I’m so proud of it. This is another wish-fulfillment fic for me, not just because it’s another fix-it fic but because I have been writing bits and pieces of this fic for about three years. I kept thinking of jonsa scenarios and little scenes I would have loved to see after season 6 and writing them in a little secret doc, just for me, as I never thought I’d write fic again. After writing “soldier” i had already broken my hiatus and I realized this fic was an actual possibility, so I put it out into the world. I couldn’t be more happy that I did that. Not only did it give me the chance to be in such an excellent, lovely fandom, but the feedback I get is so validating after having this be my secret little project for so long.

most formative: Coffee & Cigarettes, (merthur, merlin bbc) I’m ashamed to list this and the merthurs reading this 100% want to kill me for having the audacity because it’s incomplete and hasn’t been updated since 2013 when there’s only one chapter left so what’s my excuse? I call this the most formative for me because until I published this I didn’t really have a fic that people followed and liked, eagerly awaited updates for, and commented regularly on. I was writing a lot of one-shots and atla stuff on tumblr (I used to RP lmao I was like 15 ok?) This was the first time I experienced so many fic-life things, like being excited to get AO3 emails, etc. This was the first time I started to really focus on character which is so important to me now, my writing is completely character driven. Not to mention Merlin and Arthur’s dumbassery and sheer attraction and denial is just... *chef’s kiss*

guiltiest pleasure: my recent foray into nedsei, who am I??? one more word and you won’t survive, just international hate sex

story you were most nervous to post: ummm idk I’m usually excited not nervous, since for me fic writing is just fun, I write things I’d enjoy reading and that I’m proud of. I read my own fics more than anyone else does, I guarantee it. am I a narcissist? who knows I guess I’ll say “soldier” again because I hadn’t posted fic in six years.

how you choose your titles: wow the hardest part of fic writing for me!!!!! thanks!!!!! lol. Okay so for my work titles, which are always terrible and I literally regret them immediately after posting, it’s usually just some words I play around with and string together that are somewhat thematic and related to the work... they’re always terrible lmao, I hate making titles. I mean, look at “soldier, go bravely on” and “wolf, circle north” for god’s sake, I hate them lmao. But I have to pick a title to post, so!!! For chapter titles and one-shots I’ll usually go with a song lyric, and especially for my chapter titles I spend so long seeking out the perfect one that reflects some thematic or emotional content of the chapter somehow. I’m very proud of my chapter titles for wolf, circle north. I have a doc on my scrivener just for chapter titles that I created in the very early stages of writing it, where I just dumped HUNDREDS of song lyrics that I thought I might use. Then by them I wrote some scenarios where they could work. here’s a screenshot:

It’s so helpful now. Sometimes posting an update will take an hour more than necessary because of me going through that doc, finding the perfect lyric.

do you outline: OH, DO I OUTLINE... Hell Yeah, I outline. I couldn’t live without outlining. I love outlining. My outlines have outlines. I’m a planner centric, calendar centric, bullet-journal bitch so of course I love outlining. In all seriousness though: I write out of chronological order. I feel my writing is best when I write the scene I’m in the mood to write- unfortunately this scene could be ten chapters down the line from the chapter I’m gonna post next. This is the biggest reason outlining is necessary for me. If I didn’t have an outline, my story would be a non-post-able mess.

I wasn’t kidding when I said my outlines have outlines. For wolf, circle north I have, um, a few. Character/location centric outlines where I bullet every scene that needs to happen for that plot to happen cohesively (these were all more or less completed before I even started writing the fic), then a “loose” outline that I copy everything from the other outlines into for some semblance of chronological order, then a Polished Final Outline that I write from. I know that sounds psychotic. It’s how my brain works. Some photo evidence/explanation:

And here’s a screengrab of my Final Outline, this is pretty much how it is all the way down- The POV character is italicized in the front, I talk to myself a lot in there, let myself get carried away, will sometimes write out whole segments of the scene if they come to me while outlining. Spoilers for chapters 1-3 of w,cn I guess!!!

Then, because scrivener is awesome, I get to see this outline in the corkboard view (I input every scene as a card) and so I get to see every part of my outline as a Synopsis on the right hand side of the doc where I’m writing the scene:

The POV and status tags (which are completely customizable) on the lower right are helpful too. This post is just a scrivener ad.

complete: 9 works

in progress: 4 works

coming soon / not yet started: I have so many fics in the works, I’m an indulgent person so if an idea comes to me I usually go with it for a time. I’ve had a very not-serious Jonsa PLL AU I’ve been writing on and off since summer. I have three different fairytale AUs (also jonsas) I’ve been working on and one time travel AU for @sunbeamsandmoonrays. I can’t say when or if any of these will see the light of day, because my priority is my WIPs and my original writing. But the most prevalent are my Halloween fics (one jonsa, one gendrya, one merthur) which I really want to be able to put out this month, but only if I meet some other goals. I’m trying to rein in my indulgent ass, ya’ll.

do you accept prompts: no. sorry! but I do workshop ideas with friends, for example the nedsei fic happened that way by talking with @flibbertigiblet. But I don’t take writing prompts in my inbox.

upcoming story you are most excited to write: my halloween merthur fic. it’s witchy, sassy, and I’m so excited to get back into the heads of these characters.

Tagging! @uchihabat @anniebibananie @noqueenbutthequeeninthenorth @sailorshadzter @vivilove-jonsa and any other lovely writer soul who wants to do this!

#askjshssj thanks for reading this lol i went off!#my writing #writing things #jonsa #merthur #zutara #fanfiction #fanfiction writing

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parisiansulfur · 6 years

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How Not To Commit Art Theft

Because this is tumblr and people can’t read, I’m gonna start this entire post by saying this:

I DO NOT BELIEVE PEOPLE WHO COMMIT ART THEFT IN 2K18 ARE DOING SO MALICIOUSLY. I SINCERELY BELIEVE PEOPLE SIMPLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS WRONG, AND THAT NO ONE IS DOING THESE THINGS TO BE AN JERK OR BECAUSE THEY WANNA STEAL.

Good?

Read that again.

Alright, let’s move on.

So, art theft. People get accused of art theft a lot, especially now, especially on tumblr, especially in relationship to anime and manga fandom. Let’s talk about what is and what is not art theft.

In the past, art theft (especially on DeviantArt) was a thing where Person A would post an image, and Person B would trace it or color over it or do some other sort of manipulation to it (or not! people are crazy), then post it as original art. Someone would accuse Person B of art theft, Person B would argue that they changed the art significantly enough that it wasn’t theft (or not, who knows), and then there would be Drama.

This isn’t at all what I’m talking about.

Art theft in 2k18 is different than in 1998.

Art theft in 2k18 looks like this:

I’m using this as an example, and while I realize this looks like a callout post, it’s not meant to be a callout. But I need some sort of indication to show. No falsified example is going to show exactly what the problem is as clearly and precisely as something that is exactly the problem. (To point, I have tried, through multiple channels, to get in touch with the person from this blog, to no avail. So on we go.)

Let’s call this a teachable moment. Let’s call this a chance to be better. Let’s call this an example in a fandom that is, frankly, fraught with this kind of stuff.

Let’s call this an explanation of why art theft is so prevalent and common that it can be hard to recognize.

Moving on.

“How is this Art Theft?” you demand.

Well, chitlins, gather round.

Here’s the source of the screenshot above:

http://grimtwin.tumblr.com/post/177119081910/summer-twins

Let’s look at this image. This is an image, posted on a blog that is not owned by the artist. The blue text underneath is a text, which leads here:

https://twitter.com/yuyu_hamu86/status/1021016848622481409

If you click on that, you can go to the artist’s twitter page, with the image:

So how is posting a picture on tumblr art theft?

First, let’s talk about what was done.

The person who posted this on tumblr went onto this twitter page, downloaded/saved the image, then went back to Tumblr, uploaded it, posted a link with the translated name beneath (the artist’s name is NOT in the link), added some tags (including the artist’s twitter handle as a tag), and posted it.

Now, let’s talk about what this means. As of this posting, the tumblr post has 1310 notes. The artist’s post, on twitter (this particular artist also has a pixiv account, but this image was not posted there) has 563 retweets, and 1643 likes, for a combined total notes of 2206 notes.

The tumblr page has 1310 notes that the actual artist will never see.

“So what?” you might say. “It’s exposure, and there’s a link to their twitter. What’s the problem?”

Well, for starters, don’t just decide for someone else what they want and don’t want. Artists who want their art shared are pretty vocal about it, but for the most part, most artists clearly state: Do not reupload onto other sites. Most image sharing sites like Pixiv (a closed service, meaning you need to have an account, agree to the Terms of Service, and be logged in to view images) clearly have it in said Terms of Service to not do exactly what was done above, to the point that Pixiv has it as the second point in a highlighted section at the very top of their Terms of Service that you must not repost an artist’s work without permission:

So even if you willfully ignore both the will of the hosting site and the requests of the artist, even if the art is posted somewhere without a terms of service, and even if the artist doesn’t explicitly say 'please don’t reupload my art elsewhere,’ the best policy is to move in respect for the artists, and understand that if they wanted their art on other sites, they would post them there themselves.

And also, since you really should want to ask permission in the spirit of like, you know, the kind of consent we’re always going on about on this site, you can always ask the artist.

Here’s a really great breakdown on why asking the artist matters.

Please also understand that fandom is not monolith. Just because YOU don’t mind exposure doesn’t mean someone else feels the same way. Just because your friends don’t mind exposure doesn’t mean someone else feels the same way.

Anecdotal: I had a eastern-fandom friend whose family found out she drew BL doujinshi semi-professionally. She was outed, and she was kicked out of her house, lost support from her family and close friends, and basically had her life ruined for a good chunk of years because of it. There are still consequences to this, despite it having happened some fifteen years ago.

Anecdotal: I have several fandom friends have their work shared onto sites like Facebook and Tumblr, where they’re found by people they work with/family, to the point that they’ve left fandom altogether because the risks were too great.

“But Paris, the person above put a source, a link to the twitter where they found the art!!! You’re just splitting hairs!” you say. “The artist is still getting credit! Don’t be a bully!”

Nah, boo. I’m not being a bully. I’m trying to educate you, darling.

What you have to keep in mind is that even by putting a source, you’re still committing art theft, because you are taking away the ability to choose where an artist puts their art.

“But Paris, like, what about unsourced art in like museums?! Are you saying we shouldn’t put anything in museums if we don’t have the artist’s permission?”

Listen, I can’t believe I’m honoring this absolute garbage with a response, but you and I both know there’s a huge difference between a piece of art from a lost artist, and an artist publicly asking for their art to remain under their control, and people deciding to ignore them.

“But Paris, you big old jerk,” you ask, "how can I have pretty things on my tumblr if I don’t just download art and post it?”

Well, one of two ways:

1) You can contact the artist and ask permission to post. Here’s some cute templates for how to do so. If you don’t like these, there are others, or, you know, you can use Google Translate. It’s not hard, and even if it was hard, that’s not an excuse. You can even reach out to people like me or other multilingual people to help you if you aren’t comfortable trying to contact them in English.

"But what if the artist says no because they’re a giant meanie who doesn’t want free exposure?"

2) The second way you can keep your blog full of pretty shiny things is by linking to the image properly. On tumblr, when you link to things, an image shows up. For example, if I copy the above twitter link and post it as a twitter link here in tumblr, I get the following:

This allows the very cute art to appear on my blog, without having to going out of my way. Anyone who clicks on it will go directly to the twitter page, and it includes the artist’s name as the primary part of the caption.

If the link is from pixiv, it looks like this:

(Please notice how Pixiv has been so fraught with art theft that at this point, they have an automatic filter that appears on the art itself, with a hard link to the image and the artist on the bottom right. This is because art theft is a huge problem.)

We have an obligation to the artists who enrich our fandom lives with their beautiful, beautiful porn art, to treat their works with respect. We can respect the wishes of the artists for the totally selfish reason of wanting to encourage them to make more art, but it should be enough to say we don’t want to be assholes. I mean, it’s simple niceness, people. I don’t know how to explain to you that you should care about other people.

If someone says, “Please don’t repost my art,” don’t repost their art. If a site says, “Please don’t repost the art found here,” don’t repost the art. Simple mathematics, kids.

“But Paaaaaaaaris!” you wail. “What am I supposed to do when I come upon stolen art on my feed? I wanna reblob it! :C And since I’m not the one who posted it originally, it’s totally okay to just reblob it, right? :D Right?”

Well, darling, you have a choice. You can just hit that big ol’ reblog button and continue to perpetuate the same issues I’ve rather clearly delineated above. OR YOU CAN FOLLOW THE GUIDE ABOVE AND MAKE A NEW POST. For example, let’s say I really like the “Summer Twins” image above. I could just hit reblog and move on with my life, who cares, la-dee-da, or I could go to the source, and post a link from there.

The choice is yours, fandom. It’s all about the kind of world you want to surround yourself with. If you want to be a person who treats others with respect, you shouldn’t repost or post stolen art. If you want to be a person who is a credit to the fandom, follow the guides above, educate yourself, and make changes to the way you interact with content.

IN CONCLUSION, I WILL RESTATE MY THESIS: NO ONE WHO IS COMMITTING ART THEFT IN THIS WAY IS DOING SO TO BE A JERK. THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS WRONG. BUT KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, AND WE SHOULD ALL STRIVE TO KNOW BETTER.

DON’T STEAL ART.

DON’T REPOST STOLEN ART.

More reading, because I know y’all love to read:

http://raspomme.tumblr.com/post/68028153710 http://raspomme.tumblr.com/post/69226532697 http://chocoleeto.tumblr.com/reposts

And sources that can help you find out where that stolen art is from:

https://saucenao.com/ https://www.tineye.com/

Thanks, and my inbox is open, and ready for hate. 😘

#fujoshi discourse #art theft #stolen art #pixiv #yyh #art theft is a serious issue on tumblr #i may do more of these PSA type things if y'all can behave #i may do more of these PSA type things if y'all can't behave #we'll see what happens

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everythingwrongwithsao · 6 years

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EWWSAO Update

Yo it’s been 3 years since I shut down this blog. I haven’t visited it in almost 24 months, so it was a surprise to me how much endearing messages there are in the inbox. Some backlash, as expected, but mostly just nice comments from people who’ve discovered the blog while I’ve been away and enjoyed that their distaste for SAO is being validated.

So thanks for the nice words guys!

But now, there are some things I myself have to say. This not just for approving readers but also for the SAO fanatics who threw harsh criticism at this blog back when it was active.

Honesty below the cut.

Behind the curtains of EWWSAO You haters were right: Writing so much spiteful criticism every day and fighting with SAO fans was draining the life out of me. However, you lacked sympathy for me and what I was saying simply because I was saying bad things about a show you liked. It was a two-sided train wreck. You thought I was stupid and evil. I thought you were naive and blind. It was not a fruitful platform for anybody. But maybe we can understand each other better in hindsight. See, I DID really love writing criticism. I DID really enjoy posting and arguing. I never lied about that. In the middle of a harsh breakup with a lifelong friend, struggles in my long distance relationship and difficulties in finding treatment for my mental illness EWWSAO gave me something to focus my attention to. You could say this blog was my coping mechanism. Not a good one, not a healthy one, but something to pour my brain energy into. And because I never looked up anyone else’s comments on the show it felt like my criticism was important. It felt like I was important. And I got to drag on a show that my nasty friend liked. That’s what kept me going. I have not been the same after I quit - this blog changed me That might sound a bit too extra, but I’m not kidding. Before and during the runtime of EWWSAO critical view and analysis was what I lived for. I could watch a bad movie with a friend and go on for hours about its pros and cons, loving every moment of fruitful discussion. But after running this blog stopped serving the purpose my mind had given to it (aka. after I found out many other people have worded the problems with SAO more thoroughly than me AND without referencing the despicable dumpster fire that is CinemaSins) it drained me out so quick I had to quit it. It was a very good decision. I wanted to have some time off to get my critic energy back. But... it never returned.

To this day I have not recovered the bottomless analytical energy I had when I started this blog. It drove me crazy. “What is wrong with me? Why am I worse than what I used to be?” I looked back at this blog as a personal failure - something I left unfinished and didn’t succeed with - and as an enemy that stole part of my personality and never returned it. That’s why I tried coming back a time or two, but my inner workings had changed - I couldn’t. My understanding grew over time. Now I can see that my spirit breaking down wasn’t because of the blog, or SAO, or the hate, but because my critical energy was coming from a place of entitlement. “I am better, therefore it is my divine responsibility to point out the flaws others can’t see”, was perhaps not my exact thought process but on some level I felt like my criticism was needed. My life crumbling around me forced me to look at the errors in my logic. If I was so miserable, how could I be better than other people? If many others have pointed out the same things, why would my analysis be needed? The inner conflict forced me to change as a person. Painfully, but for the better.

Three years later Funnily enough, despite everything I still don’t feel any different about the things I’ve said on this blog. Kirito is still the worst, the abhorrent romance plot screams of Kawahara’s immaturity and the game mechanics make no sense. But these days I really don’t give a damn whether people see that or not, as long as they don’t hype the show in my face. SAO has become an ironic meme and I wouldn’t want it any other way. As what comes to my personal life, the friend that started all this by hyping this show was out of my life for a solid year before returning with apologies and a new start. I’ve built a whole new set of friends around the local video game community and we’ve started organizing events in several conventions. Building a growing following there. I’ve also put my graphic design skills into better use than taking screenshots of a bad anime in the form of doing posters for the community, heh.

What now? Will I be coming back? No, it’s obvious at this point. Will I delete this blog? No, as I still agree with most of its content and I want to preserve it as a record of this dramatic piece of my personal history. The messages from the past two years also confirm that there is enjoyment to be found in it for other people, so I’ll leave it here for them. Have I seen the SAO movie? No, but I saw the video Mother’s Basement made on it. That’s about all the time I want to invest on the matter.

I... somewhat want to know if the people who dragged me into furious arguments have changed over these years too. I’m eager to meet my old enemies and shake hands on the fact that whatever we raged war on is in the past now. I want to move on. But if you don’t share that concept with me it’s fine too, I won’t be checking in on anyone over this. I just want to say I don’t hold any grudges. (except against the person who said SAO can’t be criticized because it’s art. your soul will burn in the deepest parts of hell for the sins you have committed against this world)

See you. Be well. And don’t watch CinemaSins.

#Everything Wrong With Sword Art Online #Everything Wrong With SAO #Sword Art Online #SAO

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velvetchen · 7 years

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Anonymous | pt. i

[ back to masterlist ]

Scenario: Tumblr AU Pairing: Chanyeol/Reader Word Count: 1671 Rating: T

Summary: You just shot to tumblr fame when the latest chapter of your webtoon went viral. Messages start flooding in – hundreds of people saying things good and bad alike. One anon catches your eye, and you find you just have to reply to them…

next part >>

You found out when your friends all started calling you. That morning, you woke to your phone bursting with notifications – your twitter, tumblr, texts, everything. You picked up your friend Jia’s next call, your groggy hello met with the sound of her excited screaming. “Y/N! You’re famous! You’re all over the internet today?”

Groaning, you rolled over and checked the time. 8:37, too early for anything. “What?”

“I said, you’re internet famous,” she said. “Strawberry Shortcake just hit it big.”

That shot you awake. You jolted upright and pulled your laptop towards you, logging in and opening your tumblr. “What? Oh my god.”

“I know!” Jia squealed. “Oh my god! You totally deserve it, Y/N, you’ve worked so hard on it. Congratulations!”

Your activity page had numbers you’d never seen before. Reblogs with comments. Your inbox, full. You felt dizzy. “I’ll call you back, Jia,” you said. You didn’t wait before you hung up.

What had just happened?

Opening a new tab, you typed ‘strawberry shortcake tumblr’ into the search bar – and nearly fainted at the results. The first link was your tumblr. The second was an article about it. About you. About your webtoon.

You didn’t know what to feel. The webtoon you’d been working on for more than six months, so far resigned to a few reblogs and barely more than five hundred followers, was suddenly famous.

We Can’t Get Over This Super Cute Romance Webtoon, And Chances Are You Won’t Either

Strawberry Shortcake, a super sweet love story written and illustrated by the owner of the strawberryshortcakecomic tumblr – known only as S – is something we just can’t get enough of. The cute story, light humor and to-die-for cold-hearted, bad-boy-with-a-heart-of-gold love interests will have you rushing through the chapters and smiling like a fool. The webtoon is available in English on Tumblr and translated to Korean on LINE Webtoon.

You scrolled down to the comments.

iluvBTSxox: aha wow so cute ~ ^o^ prettyboy88: ㅋㅋㅋ so nice blossom3bunny: i love it so much, thanks mika-chan for recommending it~~~

So that was how it had gone viral. Mika-chan, another webtoon artist, ultra-famous for her anime-style webcomics on LINE and tumblr. You felt flattered beyond belief. Immediately, you pulled up her tumblr – and there it was – her reblog of your latest episode along with the caption “one of my favorite webtoons ;o;”.

strawberryshortcakecomic asked: mika-chan!!! Thank you so much for liking my webtoon ;;;;;; I’m so happy you liked it <3 I hope you enjoy my work in the future too!

You’re welcome ㅋㅋㅋ it’s very cute

You couldn’t believe she had replied to you. Much less reblogged your work. It felt surreal. Opening your tumblr inbox, you got to work answering, still on the high of your newfound fame.

Anonymous asked: author-nim~~~~ the last chapter is so nice, please update, when does jinho take yoon ah on the date

I will be updating soon! thank you for liking it

Anonymous asked: that lake scene is so sweet omg

Haha I know right! Thanks :)

Anonymous asked: I CAN’T WAIT ANY LONGER OH GOD THE FEELS!!!

You won’t have to wait much longer, the next chapter will be up soon !!

You moved to the kitchen with your laptop, setting it down on the counter and opening the fridge to get some yogurt and fruit for breakfast. You sat back down immediately, intent on answering as many new messages as you could.

snsd-superfan asked: i love jinho he’s so hot ugh

;)

Anonymous asked: mika-chan brought me here and can I just say I’m in love with you and your work

Thanks! Love you too anon

The next message stood out, because while so far you had only seen one-liner compliments and messages about your work, this one was much longer. You read on, intrigued:

Anonymous asked: Dear S, I’ve been following you almost since the beginning of Strawberry Shortcake and I wanted to congratulate you on your newfound and very well-deserved fame! I know how hard you’ve worked and how much effort you put into making the chapters for us, your readers. I’m so happy to see you get the fame you were destined for! Now, about the last chapter, hmm. I feel like something is going on with Seong-jin...is he plotting something behind Yoon-ah’s back? Sincerely, C

You thought a minute before you wrote out your reply, pausing in between words to make sure it was perfect. This ‘C’ person had obviously put a lot of thought into their message. At least that’s what it looked like.

Dear C, Thank you very much for your long and thoughtful message! Honestly, I feel extremely surprised. I don’t know what to do with all this fame, haha. I’m so flattered you think I deserve it, and that you’re a long time fan. How long have you been here?

As for the plot...you’ll just have to wait and see. I have a lot of things in store for Seong-jin!

Love, S

You continued scrolling through your inbox, but that was the only message of its kind - which only made you more intrigued. When a reply popped up, you felt yourself swell with a strange excitement.

Anonymous asked: Dear S, you’re very welcome for the praise ^^ I’m sure things will only get better from here. I meant it when I said you deserved all the fame. I’ve been following your blog since the third or fourth episode I think. That was a long time ago! You’ve come so far since then. Your art has improved a lot too. I can’t wait to see what you have planned for Seong-jin. He’s my favorite character (yes, I don’t like Jin-ho! I think he is too perfect...something’s wrong...haha) Sincerely, C

Was it too soon for you to reply? Shrugging, you started typing anyway.

Dear C,

Aw thank you, you’re making me blush lol. Thanks so much for your support! And wow, since the third episode? I don’t even remember that far back, you’re right when you say we’ve come a long way. Thanks for the comment on my art, do you really think so?

I should be offended you don’t like Jin-ho, but maybe you’re on to something ;) kidding, kidding, I don’t want to give away any spoilers. Seong-jin is my favorite character too, he’s very close to me. He was the first character I came up with for SS. At first he was going to be my main character but I made Yoon-ah the main character at the last minute.

Love, S

Anonymous asked: Dear S, I clearly remember the day I found your comic. It was actually reblogged by one of my real-life friends. I was crazy about webtoons so I was super excited to find a new one to read. You didn’t disappoint :) Am I really on the right track about Jin-ho? I mean, he is a vampire, but he still doesn’t have any flaws. I’m guessing that’s intentional. Maybe he’s hiding some dark secret lololol. I hope Yoon-ah ends up with neither of them though, they’re not that nice to her :( Sincerely, C

Dear C,

Oh, please thank your friend then! They must have known me from my other blog ^^

You’re right, it is intentional, but there aren’t any dark secrets coming up...yet. Haha. Jin-ho is that very cliche k-drama character isn’t he! Hot and cold and handsome as hell. I have a lot of fun drawing him. ;) And yeah, neither of them treat Yoon-ah right, but that’s plot progression for you. I’ve already confirmed on this blog that she will end up with one of the two. The ending is still a long ways away but I hope it’s satisfactory!

Love, S

Anonymous asked: Dear S, yes, I’ve been following your other blog too since then! You’re very private haha. But you’re very nice and friendly too ^^ Jin-ho is total eye-candy! My friend has lots of screenshots of all the shower scenes lol. She sends them to me. He is definitely a cliche character, but those can be very fun to read and write too. Even if there aren’t any dark secrets I’m sure he’s still hiding something. Oh well, I hope Yoon-ah ends up with the right one then. I like her a lot and hope she gets a good relationship. I don’t doubt in your ability at all to come up with an amazing ending :) Sincerely, C

Dear C,

Am I private? I guess I must be, since I don’t even have a proper pen name! Aww, you think I’m nice and friendly, thanks, you’re not too bad yourself :)

Your friend has good taste lol. I’ll draw more shower scenes just for her ;) You’re right about cliche characters not having to be one-dimensional. I put a lot of thought into Jin-ho when I was creating him and he’s actually very similar to me. Stubborn, secretly caring, introverted (unfortunately not I’m not as hot lmao). You seem to know a bit about this writing thing, do you write?

Yoon-ah will get the happy ending she deserves! She’s my precious little flower baby.

Love, S

Anonymous said: Dear S, it’s okay, you can be as private as you want,. I’m just warning you that fans can get a little crazy about finding out who you are...so be careful. No, I don’t write, unless you count writing music, which is a lot different from making webtoons I imagine :) Are you really similar? I guess I’ll have to start paying more attention to Jin-ho from now on. Sincerely, C

Dear C,

Thanks a lot for the warning! (wow, do you have experience with this fame thing?) I know, just a couple of hours since the explosion and I’m already getting hate. Writing music could be like making a webtoon, hmm...you’re making a story without words. Or with only dialogue. Huh, I guess not really.

Oh no, have I revealed too much? ;)

Why don’t you come off anon? I’d love to talk to you some more.

Love, S

a/n so a little background - like all the scenarios i’ll write this is set in an ambiguous location with no set culture/mix of cultures, so you can take it to be anywhere (i intended korea). webtoons esp. romancey webtoons however are pretty popular in korea so a bunch of the comments and etc will be like on a korean website. after this part the story will mostly be told through a collection of messages, articles, posts & dialogue. also i know asks don’t let u write that much but bear with me ok

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cinnamon-suncat · 7 years

Text

An Announcement and a Little Concern

Hello all! I’m sorry to put drama on your dashboards, but yesterday some information was brought to me and I need to be entirely clear and open about some things in order to protect myself, and hopefully to protect you guys too.

I have only one character in the game, Syrena Kalihd, and that will never change. I am not Selene Kalihd (also known as @jaybartram / @princess-zeldaluna / Zelda Luna), and I have no ties whatsoever to this person. They are a pathological liar who lies and manipulates to knowingly and purposefully take character appearances and names, and then attempts to paint themselves as an innocent and unwitting party to gain sympathy. After the recent occurrence of someone making a duplicate of a character named Empress Quistis and using the false blog to slander that person’s name by sending hateful messages, I am more than a little wary of people taking other people’s character names and faces, and I feel I need to make it 100% clear that they are someone who made a willful decision to copy me, and they are not in any way an alt or secondary character of mine.

I am not someone who feels that similarities in character appearance warrant upset; the ffxiv character creator is fairly limited, and coincidental similarities or even duplicates are to be expected. But an active attempt to copy my character’s appearance and name is something that I’m uncomfortable with, and I am made even more uncomfortable by the fact that when questioned, Zelda claimed she doesn’t know me/has never seen me/did not copy me, despite that all of this is clearly untrue.

I will be presenting evidence; not because I am upset at the copying, but because I am upset at the lying, double dealing, and manipulation this person has exhibited, and I need to prove that this is not a coincidental similarity.

Buckle in guys, this is gonna be a bit of a ride.

For the purposes of ease of reading, I will be referring to Zelda as a ‘she’ due to the character’s sex. All named parties save for Zelda herself have given their consent to be left uncensored.

In January this year, Zelda messaged me multiple times from her personal blog Jaybartram, begging me for my character Syrena’s sliders and appearance information. Two of the asks are still in my inbox, unanswered, so I can show you at least those two.

Two sidenotes: firstly, here is the first incidence of her lying; she claims to not play on Balmung. She also does demonstrate that she knows that running into a lookalike would be unpleasant, and in order to get my sliders, she attempts to reassure me that it won’t be a problem because she doesn’t play on Balmung.

Secondly, here is proof that Jaybartram and Zelda Luna are the same person.

I don’t give out my character sliders, but I’m more than happy to assist with minor things like sharing Syr’s skin tone. So that’s what I did. [Here] is the published ask. The links within the ask should also take you to other posts where I answered this person’s repeated requests.

Zelda Luna appeared shortly later on Balmung looking near identical to Syrena; I didn’t mind much. I don’t love it, but in the end I’m flattered if people are inspired and like my character enough to want to look similar. So I let it go from January, and was happy to leave it be until now; because she has now name changed to Selene Kalihd.

The appearance and the name together coupled with the knowledge that she’d begged for my sliders and the fact that she knew that “running into a lookalike” would be upsetting was too much for me to let slide, though again I wasn’t angry, just uncomfortable. I messaged her stating that I was disappointed in her and I asked her for an explanation of her behaviour. She responded by acting confused and claiming that she doesn’t know me.

I caught her in a lie, and she backtracked then accused me of harassing her.

I spoke in short to one of her two FC leaders to ask for information; they were very helpful and offered to investigate a little bit themselves, and suggested that I speak to the other FC leader, Alrik Dotharl, as well. I said I would the next day, as I had a prior engagement I had to get to.

This morning, I was contacted by Alrik. After the two leaders had spoken at length to Zelda and caught her in several lies (including her attempting to claim that Kalihd is her last name in real life), she eventually admitted to copying Syrena.

I stated to Alrik that while I was uncomfortable with the copying, what genuinely upset me was Zelda attempting to cover up her lies with other ones, and then backtracking and reacting with aggression when presented with irrefutable evidence.

She was then, I’m told, removed from the FC: not for copying, but for lying to her FC leaders and attempting to manipulate their perceptions of her.

And now? She’s made a pre-emptive ‘callout post’ about me (in which she does also admit to copying me), which you can find here:

https://princess-zeldaluna.tumblr.com/post/160610758518/cinnamon-suncat-aka-syrena-kalhid-deleting

However, as she will likely delete it, I’ve taken the liberty of screenshotting it for your viewing pleasure.

There is a lot I could say to refute this post, but I think it kind of speaks for itself.

Zelda has a long history of this behaviour -- there is a long, long list of people who have had their character identities stolen by her -- and every time she is caught she reacts either with proclamations of innocence and “I didn’t mean to/didn’t want to hurt anyone”, or with unwarranted, self-righteous aggression (or one and then the other), then vanishes, only to reappear with a new stolen character and the same lies and excuses shortly after.

Those of you who know me know that I am very careful about tumblr drama. I don’t like to participate in it, and I never start it. I have been a victim of lies and slander and identity smearing in a previous game at the hands of someone who had a personal grudge against me, and I know from personal experience how incredibly awful it can feel to have someone accuse you of things you did not do and attempt to run you out of the community. I was badly hurt by it.

This is not that. I hope the evidence I have provided can speak to the fact that this is not an instance of me being petty and possessive over a coincidental similarity, but an instance of me feeling uncomfortable with the systematic and purposeful duplication of my character, followed by unrepentant lying and frankly, rather shoddily constructed manipulation attempts on the part of my doppelganger.

My intention with this post is not to hurt Zelda Luna, but I do feel at this point that her behaviour is a problem and members of the community need to be aware of her actions in order to protect themselves from her; I am not angry at her, just very uncomfortable and very disappointed in her, as I’ve tried to help her multiple times in the past while she used other identities, and I handled everything with her privately for her protection. I’ll admit, I no longer have high hopes that she will do anything different following this; either she will cling to the character, or she will delete it and every trace of her blog, before resurfacing with a new name and face shortly. Because that’s what she does.

Still; I honestly hope that Zelda learns from this and manages to find her own happiness in the game, with her own face and her own name, rather than one stolen from someone else.

youtube

#please don't send Zelda any hate or rude messages #I don't want to cause problems #I just want to make sure you are all informed so you can protect yourselves #and so that there's no confusion as to whether 'Selene Kalihd' is me or not.

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stolenbythegods · 8 years

Note

Why do you feel like nobody likes you? You seem really nice.

Thanks nonnie, that means a lot.

This is probably going to get very long, and I know nobody asked for it, but I feel like maybe having an explanation as to why I’m insecure might help? Or not, there’s the possibility that nobody will care, but just in case, I’ll explain.

I’ve been RPing on this site since 2013, and in that time I’ve had a lot of experiences. Most good, but there are a few bad experiences (3 major ones specifically which i will be talking about) that have ultimately contributed to the anxious mess I am today, and why I don’t approach people even though there are a fair few people I really would like to interact with.

The short version, for those that don’t wanna read through heaps of text, is this:

-I was strung along and eventually ignored by somebody I looked up to who couldn’t just tell me they didn’t want to interact.

-I was blocked by somebody I considered a friend for reasons I still do not know.

-I was accused of copying somebody else’s OC which resulted in me losing a ‘friend’ and ultimately made me quit writing for almost a year.

If you want more detailed explanations of what happened in each experience, you can find them under the cut. Warning: It’s very long. Feel free to ask for clarification if things seem unclear. There’s also a bolded part at the end which you can read that kind of… ties things together, I guess?

The first experience is the reason for my ‘Don’t ignore me’ rule. Back when i was still fresh to this site and didn’t know how things worked, I came across this amazing marvel OC, and I fell in love with the writing. They were my first ‘tumblr senpai’, as the term used to be. My mind was blown when they actually followed me back, and I was very excited to write with them. So I did the logical thing and sent a message. They responded positively; I was over the moon. We had one or two very brief interactions, and I guess those were enough for that person to decide they didn’t want to interact with me. Now, if they had just come out and said that, things would’ve been fine. Yes, it would have hurt, but I would ultimately have understood and moved on. Instead, they strung me along.

Any direct requests to interact were responded to with excuses about them not having the time for new threads, which does happen, so I understood, but they ultimately promised me that we would interact when they had the time. But after a while, I noticed the memes I sent in would go ignored, unless they were just headcanon stuff, and despite saying they were busy, they still had time to interact with new people. I still gave them the benefit of the doubt and guessed maybe tumblr was eating asks, or they just didn’t know how to respond or initiate a thread with me. It only clocked with me that they were avoiding attempts at interaction and ignoring me when I responded to a short open starter they posted, and everyone who replied to it got an answer except for me. This was the point I realised they didn’t want to interact with me but just didn’t want to say anything, possibly as some odd way to avoid hurting my feelings. Now you might be wondering if this was me pestering somebody I followed, but I just want to say that me and this person were mutuals right up until I realised what they were doing and made a PSA saying if you didn’t want to interact with me, then you should just tell me instead of being rude and ignoring me. After that, we stopped being followers and I pretty much did everything in my power to make sure I didn’t have to see them on my dash ever again because I was hurt.

Their intentions may have been somewhat innocent in that they didn’t want to hurt my feelings by rejecting me, but ultimately they hurt me far worse than a simple ‘I’m sorry but I don’t feel like interaction is going to work between us’ ever would’ve. In fact I recently discovered this experience still has an effect on me, because that same person crossed my dash just a couple of months ago and It felt like I had been punched in the gut and I had to take a moment to just breathe. So yeah. This experience enforced the part of my anxiety that now tells me that just because we are mutuals does not mean they want to interact (even though selective following is now a thing).

The second experience happened not long after the first. I had followed this blog, and we had a bunch of threads going together. 4, maybe 5, and we were in each other’s inboxes a lot with memes or just general shenanigans. One day we were talking, can’t remember what about (followers? I think? something to do with followers idk) and they suddenly disappeared off my dash. I though tumblr had just freaked out, but after realising they were no longer following me, it dawned that I was blocked. Now, I was still very much an ‘assume the best in people’ kind of person, so I messaged them on a different blog like ‘Hey, i think you may have accidentally blocked me?’. No response. I tried again, and nothing. I was… very confused, and was starting to feel a sense of dread. So i messaged a mutual friend/follower and asked them if they could find out what was going on. She also got nothing out of them, this person was essentially ignoring all mentions of me. Now what I did next might not have been smart, but I was very upset. I messaged them once more on another blog, asking them to please just tell me what I had done wrong. Maybe I should have just moved on and gotten on with shit, but I had thought we were friends and I wanted answers. I never got them. This experience is the reason why I constantly fret over whether or not people actually like me, and why I’m always afraid that one day everyone is just going to turn around and start hating me.

The third experience was the most recent, and by far the worst. So In 2015 I got a message from a ‘friend’ of mine. I had been on hiatus for a while because I had been feeling insecure and had decided to fall back on some older methods of RP and take a break from the tumblr RP community. I had just gotten back, when they messaged me stating that a person they had started roleplaying with while I was away with had noticed some similarities between her OC and mine. Now, I had no idea who this person was prior to this. So I was very confused, and I said as much. My ‘friend’ went on to say that this person thought I had stolen her OC and that they also agreed, and also that the time I made my blog had been about the same time this person had decided to go on a long hiatus. Now the similarities were this; We both had the same FC, both our characters had abuse in their background, they were both UK born, and they both had interests in cooking careers. I thought this was fairly weak evidence, and said as much. They then countered that there was one more thing I had ‘stolen’ from this person and they sent me an image. And I was shocked.

You see, when I had still been in college, one of my assignments had been to make a floorplan of a vet surgery. Now because I suck at drawing, I found a pretty nifty site called floorplanner.com. And while working on my assignment, my brain piped up and said ‘hey, we could use this site to make a floorplan of our OC’s apartment!’. And I thought that was a great idea, so I did it. Now, the image my ‘friend’ sent to me was none other than that very floorplan I had made. The person accusing me of plagiarism was claiming it was theirs. I said no, I definitely made the floorplan, and I was responded to with information about the exact date the person had saved the image to their computer. Not only did I send a screenshot of my account on the site and the floorplan itself open in the floorplan creator, I also countered with an image showing that the date I posted the floorplan to my blog preceded the date the person saved the image to their computer, but I was brushed off by being told ‘dates can be edited’ (yeah, cuz I’m totally smart and skilled enough to do that??).

Anyways, by this point, I was extremely upset. I talked about it on my blog, but I did not mention names or URLs. I was then told my accuser was apparently getting anon hate (though they never posted any) and their friends kept coming into my inbox to tell me to ‘call off my followers’. One even made a public post and tagged me in it. I was beginning to get really stressed out, so I messaged my accuser and asked if we could just talk about this privately. I got no response, but they did make a lovely public post about how I was being emotionally manipulative and that they had 0 doubt I had copied them and about how they were so hurt by this whole thing.

I asked my ‘friend’ why they didn’t believe me even though i had at the very least proven the floorplan was mine, and their response was that ‘of course they were going to believe the person who talked to them every day over me, who didn’t talk to them very much’. Looking back, I realise this ‘friend’ was not good for me at all. My reasons for not talking to them came down to a few things. First, I did not feel safe talking to them about my depression. The one time i did, i got some rather intensive comments. And you remember the break from tumblr I mentioned earlier in this story? I had spoken to them privately about it and explained my reasons had been I wasn’t feeling the most welcome, and that I needed some time away. They decided to take this as a personal attack, and when I had updated them about what was happening with me on the other site, they kind of flipped out and accused me of shitting on something they loved (tumblr) because I was criticising some of the uglier parts of the RP community (cliques, elitism, anon hate, the stigma towards OC’s over canon characters etc.). After that, I didn’t feel like I could talk to them, so I kind of stopped.

After all this had happened, I tried to move on with things. But the fact is, it really affected me. My ‘friend’ was, and still is I believe, a very popular RP blog with a lot of weight. My accuser had a fair few friends too, and my name had been slandered about. I removed all links to the blog this happened on from my other blogs out of fear, but even then I felt scared. Every blog I wanted to follow would be checked first to see if they had any obvious connections to my ‘friend’ or my accuser. If they did, I would make note of them, their other blogs, and the main people they interacted with all to avoid the chance of somebody knowing me and deciding to bring the shitstorm back up again. Eventually, i was so scared that I just… couldn’t find my love of writing anymore. It was tainted by anxiety, and I finally made an announcement on all my blogs; I was quitting. I didn’t delete my blogs, but I made the message clear that it was no guarantee that I would ever come back.

I made that post in September 2015. It was only after reconnecting with a very old RP partner back when I was still new, that I finally was convinced to come back to tumblr in May 2016. My writing quality had fallen during my hiatus, because I barely wrote at all for the majority of those months. It still isn’t what it used to be, and the style varies wildly from day to day.

These experiences, along with some milder ones, have ultimately shaped me into the anxious mess that I am now. My anxiety constantly reminds me that friends can turn on you, and that sometimes people might just be being polite when they compliment me or seem willing to interact. I do try my best to ignore it, but there are times it overwhelms me. It’s nothing personal to the wonderful people who follow me, it’s just my own inner demons that like to torment me. I found my love of writing again, and I would like to be the confident person i once was. I just need.. patience, honesty and some people willing to put up with my awkwardness.

This is horribly long and I’m very sorry, but I hope maybe it cleared some stuff up about why I am how I am. I’m open to more questions, if anybody cares enough to ask lmao.

#Anonymous #ask #psa #I might reblog this later on too #just so.. idk people can see it if they wanna #long post

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