#I have to remind myself that I need to act more like a caregiver because I am one

[dadzawa004]

Maybe I wanna be babied, maybe sometimes I want help doing simple tasks. Maybe I want to watch cartoons I watched as a kid, and take long bubble baths— and maybe have bedtime stories read to me or being called Petnames. Or maybe get excited easily by a show on TV.

But in a caregiver way.

[outlandish-dreamer]

hai ^u^ um i was wondering if you had any toddler / baby regressor vanessa headcanons from the fnaf movie ? :00 or anything about her hehe , i'm an introject of her and i've been looking for some stuff :33

I do actually!! She's been on my mind a lot recently, so here's what I have for her :D

(I'm probably going to include some of my other headcanons just because I feel like they fit here as well if that's okay!)

Baby Regressor! Vanessa

She's not quite sure what her age range is, though she does know it's pretty small. Mainly because it's before she can remember all the things that happened with her family, so with being pretty young at that state, it's between 0-3.

Very independent, "I can do it myself !!" I feel like she wouldn't really care about having a caregiver, like it's not something she thinks she needs, but won't say no if it happens.

Because of that, she has trouble letting her guard down around others when she's regressed (mainly Mike). Feeling that vulnerable around someone else reminds her of when she was a kid, so it's hard for her to trust that he won't do anything to her.

Dealing with the trauma of everything is hard on someone that's as small as she is. Her brain doesn't know how to process it all and it takes a toll on her both mentally and emotionally. Sometimes she just cries and doesn't know why, but aside from that, she's not really an explosive or overly emotional kid. Mainly a little bit more sensitive than anything.

Is a little nervous when it comes to him acting like a sort of parental/brother figure towards her. She hasn't experienced that in a long time and ever since she's worried it would turn out just like her relationship with her father. That she'll be rejected, taken advantage of, or forced to "grow up."

Mike, being the ever-patient guy he is, wishes he could get rid of those feelings for her. He'd never hurt Vanessa and despite how much she questions it, he still reassures her that he won't.

Will tag along with him anytime she can. He's pretty much the one person she trusts with this and will take up any chance to be around him. Since she's content to pretty much sit and sleep or watch, he doesn't mind.

He also gets much more protective over her when she's little. It could be something as small as seeing a bug in the house or crossing the street, but whatever it is, he's making sure she's alright. That's his baby and though he's still figuring it out, he'll do anything for her.

Very tired kiddo, but hates sleeping alone. She spends most nights (if they aren't with each other) on the phone with Mike or falling asleep together (which happens more often than the former.) And he, having a similar problem, is cool with it either way.

Has a plush bunny (and later on, all the other animatronics) that she keeps with her at all times. It's small enough to fit in her pocket, so she can bring it in to work whenever she's having a rough day.

While her skills aren't as good as they normally are, she still loves to draw with Abby when she feels old enough to. Most of the time they're just scribbles and she's proud of it either way.

S O many forts. It's not even funny. They're her favorite spot to be in and there's no stopping her and Abby from building them.

Speaking of which, it was difficult in the first place to tell Mike about her regression, and it was even more so when it came to Abby. She was a kid and Vanessa didn't expect her to understand it, plus she worried that it would freak her out. They didn't exactly say it was that, but they pretty much put in a way that made sense to Abby. And she didn't mind, she was actually happy to have someone to play with, even if it wasn't someone exactly her age.

She never had a ton of pet names growing up, so Mike takes advantage of that. Mainly variations of her name like "Nessa", and he calls her ones he finds silly or funny. Like "Peanut" or "Munchkin." He does have a favorite though and ends up calling her "Little Lady" most often.

Much more comfortable with PDA/touching in general when she's little. Even if it's just small, subtle things like holding each other's pinkies or holding hands. It helps her feel safer to know that someone else is there like "Hey, I got you." And it helps both her and Mike open up more to each other by doing it.

the DNI banner credit goes to @geekgirl-33, I hope it's okay that I used it!

[o5-10]

I don't see any cruelty there! Taking care of the kid was not your responsibility or part of your skill set, so the task should've been taken to someone else

Here is my list of reasons that was absolute nonsense, taken from my rant at the entity who decided to be nasty at me for the crime of acknowledging my limits, as well as other conversations:

The child had a parent already. If that parent found they were unable to care for their child, that parent should be the one lining up a caregiver for the child. The child should not have been soliciting caregivers in the first place;

The child was not only not mine, but not even from my reality. My reality is my top priority. It is not in my interest to do favors outside of my ability that do not benefit my mission in any tangible way;

I am an O5, if refusing to act as a substitute parent is where the line is being drawn for cruelty, then that entity was clearly in the wrong place;

The implication that this entity had any idea what I was like at any point in time prior to my starting my blog. I need to remind everyone that when I first started my first blog, I was so much worse than I am now that I screamed Gino Sparks into a total emotional collapse before considering he and Katja Sparks may have been telling the truth. I do not bring that up as a point of pride, I am mentioning it to illustrate my point;

I did not have the time, energy, or ability to adequately care for any child, even ones from my own reality, who would have a far stronger argument to being my responsibility than him, though that argument would have still been weak at that time;

What comforts me, and therefore what I defaulted to at the time, is very much abnormal and can be actively detrimental to the average entity, especially children;

It takes most mental health professionals a minimum of six (6) years of higher education to obtain a license, these skills cannot be learned overnight;

At that time, I was actively undergoing treatment for the brain scrambling assassination attempt, I was not overly private about this fact;

I was addressing other issues I'd let fester for decades at that time, as well, I could not have cared for another being if I wanted to;

I was literally following my doctors' orders by prioritizing my own health;

The child was a reality bender, which is bad for my physical well-being due to my anomaly.

That version of that reality had asked at least four (4) favors from myself and Newport previously, two (2) were granted for various reasons, two (2) were refused. I can't remember one (1) of the refused favors, but the one (1) Newport refused was a nightmare. She responded the first time with "we cannot do that, this is why we cannot do that, this is what we can offer instead," only to be met with "well, what if we did this to cover for that problem," and then she pointed out that the proposed solution would cause more problems for us, and repeated what we could offer. This repeated at least three (3) more times. At that point, they had offered so many reasons we didn't need to worry about any of our resources being used for this favor that she suggested they use those abilities to handle the situation themselves, since they don't need our resources, though she said it more gently than that, and they got mad about it. I bring this up specifically because saying "no" to them up to that point had not been respected the first time. Obviously, this made the exchange that much more enraging.

I cannot say how much of this was known to that entity at the time, but they definitely knew I have a massive workload with little time for other concerns, that the child should have been being dealt with by his parent or entities trusted and selected by that parent specifically to care for him, that I am an O5 and need to make far tougher calls than "I cannot help this child", that I had made very clear I lacked the requisite knowledge and abilities, and that childcare cannot be learned in an instant. It is also highly likely that they knew I was unwell at the time, but most likely not to the degree.

It's infuriating to me because I am one of the sacrifices we are actively making to keep Armageddon at bay, and I have the audacity to say "I cannot do this, I do not want to do this, and doing this will cause problems for all involved parties," prioritizing myself for once, as I needed to for the sake of the mission, and I got slapped across the face for it. It was as though they thought I was supposed to be a free favors machine for their reality. I'm livid remembering this.

[springboggle]

No, I can't work and save up for Japanese language school and hunt for scholarships to study abroad, which literally would fit my major, I have to go to college here and get out of her hair, but also send my financial aid money to her when I need it to live because she's somehow always behind on food and bills and whatever the resident retard needs.

My natural hair is ugly and I dress ugly and you can remind me of that every time I'm minding my own business, even on my birthday, and you can go into a tirade about a window being open because my room is stuffy, but you can also take $300 of my food stamps when you have more than enough food and then you'll most definitely get mad if I run out/can't provide food for myself, as well as secretly expect a chunk of my financial aid for no reason when you start to see me dress how I want.

You'll take me out to eat and act like a friend and a changed man just to immediately isolate me, sexually assault me after the trauma of losing my car, my cat, and my relationship with my grandma, but me asking for a kiss is too much and so is being seen in public with you.

I'm so fucking exhausted. Be a college student, but also be a caregiver to me and your siblings but also be small but also if you ever say no I'll be mad or we'll starve but also launch yourself and your life. You can do this. I know you can because I had to and I don't want to give a shit about you and also you technically have it easier so this should be no problem

[asivenathi]

Reflect on how you have been a health advocate.

As occupational therapists, our journey is marked by moments of advocacy, where we stand as champions for our clients' rights, needs, and their wishes. This week, I had the privilege of witnessing the life-changing power of advocacy firsthand, as I advocated for a client recovering from a cerebrovascular accident (CVA), commonly known as a stroke.

During our initial session, my client presented with significant challenges—left hemiplegia, cognitive deficits, and impaired sitting balance. However, therapy and being determined, we witnessed so much progress in his rehabilitation journey. His static and dynamic sitting balance improved, trunk control strengthened, bed mobility became more independent and cognitive deficits improved. These milestones were not just markers of physical recovery but symbols of resilience and hope.

As his discharge date approached, I found myself at a crossroads—a moment where advocacy became important. Despite his progress, it was evident that my client needed additional support to transition back home safely and independently as he hasn't regained his ability to walk independently and needs a walking aid. Having knowledge of evidence-based practice and an understanding of his needs, I took the opportunity to advocate for an extension of his hospital stay with the help of my supervisor.

However, I feel like I took this action late as our supervisor emphasizes the importance of treating patients as if they are getting discharged tomorrow which means we have to think ahead all the time. In this situation, I feel like I dragged my feet which then led to me having to make last minute decisions and act upon them really fast because I did not think he would get discharged this soon. When treating my other patients that will be made a priority.

My advocacy efforts were a success, as my client was granted an extension until Monday. This additional time would allow for him to obtain essential assistive devices, the implementation of a tailored home exercise program, and the formulation of a comprehensive discharge plan. It was a victory not only for my client but for the principles of client-centered care.

Moving forward, I am determined to approach advocacy with even greater purpose. I will put an effort in being updated of the latest research and evidence-based practices, equipping myself with the knowledge and skills needed to effectively advocate for my clients. I will prioritize collaboration and communication, creating partnerships with interdisciplinary teams, clients, and caregivers to achieve optimal outcomes. (Pierce, 2021)

Reflecting on this experience, I am reminded of the profound impact advocacy can have on the lives of our clients. It is not merely about speaking up; it is about increasing the pitch of the voices of those we serve, ensuring their needs are heard and addressed. As I continue on my professional journey, I am committed to continue being a health advocate for my client's well-being.

In the words of Margaret Mead, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." (BrainyQuote, 2019). Together, let us continue to advocate for a brighter, more independent future for all.

REFERENCES

1.BrainyQuote. (2019). BrainyQuote; BrainyQuote. https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/margaret_mead_100502

2.Pierce, K. (2021, October 6). 6 Reasons Why Healthcare Advocacy is Important. GlobalRPH. https://globalrph-com.webpkgcache.com/doc/-/s/globalrph.com/2021/10/6-reasons-why-healthcare-advocacy-is-important/

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[sketchguk]

Hi! I sent the previous soonyoung nsfw ask. Thanks for answering! You saying their first time would be so soft reminded me of this ! He would do that .... With all the pet names and just ahhhhhhhhh 😭 I am way too invested in their s*x life LOL. I think mc will be a little frustrated because she doesn't know how to ask him , and he would think something is wrong and panic because he doesn't want to upset her! I wonder what will push him to finally act out his fantasy 😭

Your friend isn't single 🥺 all the good ones are always taken. But I'm ready to fight 🤺🤺🤺 . It's so cute you knew her first!!! It's so rare for me to find online friendships that last long ! So do you approve of her bf kjlhkjiojkj even though I know it's probably online and we can't comment .. whenever my friends talk about their bfs even online , I will sit here be like "he's not worth it" it or like he's so wrong for doing that ...... The standard for men is so low and most of my friend's bf's don't deserve them 😭😭😭 Like .. with my friends dating women, it's not the case! So it's just dating men that's the problem LOL I'm still waiting for the day I approve of my friend's relationships 😂

Can I get an emoji to put in asks if you don't mind? I think about this au headcanons a lot and I can just tell you instead of keeping to myself 😔

Soonyoung is a romantic at heart 💛 I feel like mc drops a bunch of hints about how she wants to fuck, sometimes subtle sometimes not. But Soonyoung is seriously oblivious, and he thought that she liked it sweet and soft. She does! Don't we all !!! But we need to change our palette sometimes. We need more flavor !!

She probably realizes that her hints are going nowhere and tells him in the middle of sex when she's already so desperate. She wants him so bad, she's literally aching !!! And who is Soonyoung if not a natural caregiver?? Whatever his baby wants, she gets !!! But he's sure to check in on her every once in a while, initiating a safe word or a color system just in case <3

LOL I told my friend what you said, and here's the update:

Omg I will take anon, please let anon know I'm single . I don't need smne as sweet as sexy as soonyoung,do they think i like soonyoung?😤 He's my archnemesis 😤

Ahaha ever since I've joined the kpop fandom side of tumblr, I've had some of the longest internet friendships I've ever had !! And I do like her boyfriend from what she tells me !! I won't comment too much on it because that's her business. But you're right,, I'm always wary of my friend's relationships (no matter the gender - I've heard of red flags from every and all sides lol) !! I'm the same way, thinking that my friends deserve the very best

Of course you can have an emoji !!! Which one would you like to use?? I hope to see you in my inbox whenever <3 It'll surely make my day chatting with you! I'd love to hear all about your headcanons too 🥰

[meisters-kleiner-fuchs]

For Those Who Don't Have a CG / Owner

Pet regression isn't completely bound to the idea of having a master or caregiver. You don't need to stop wearing collars because you don't have a CG either. There are many ways to still do pet play and pet regression and you can in fact perform self ownership.

So how do we start self ownership?

respecting oneself

self love

personal power

personal care

The basic ideas:

love yourself! YOU are the temple. Remember that you are important and have worth! treat yourself as such.

Remember to take meds each day and do some self care - you can! Your self care could be to do your pet regression when having a stressful day, go right on ahead and do what makes you feel good- don't let others have a say in your lifestyle.

remember to drink plenty of water and eat some healthy food. get plenty of sleep as well.

The nitty gritty and self collaring - a contract for the self:

self collaring can be used to make promises to oneself towards personal goals and desires. You can do a short collaring ceremony - buy a collar you like and start from there. think of a goal you are working towards and maybe even attach a jar type keepsake to the D ring so you can keep that promise inside as a reminder. the collaring ceremony can be elaborate or as simple as saying "I'm going to love myself more" and placing that collar around as a promise. (remember that you can use rings or even bracelets).

Punishments:

missing out on a sugary treat.

missing out on a beloved activity.

You can decide - but please do not harm yourself mentally or physically.

A roleplay guide for the pet with no CG:

Needed:

a bowl of water

a bowl of food - your choice

a warm comfortable bed

a toy or two

(if by myself and master cannot attend i like to have music going or a tv show)

Your collar and lead or harness...if you have those.

Method:

so you can do this for 1-6 hours at a time depending on how long you want your session to be. You can even do a full day - acting as both CG and Pet. I have written this out in 24 hr timing but you can arrange the times - its only a guide :)

12:00 - Prepare lunch as the CG and place in bowl

13:00 - you may like to start by eating lunch or grazing

13:30 - finish lunch and let food go down - have a short nap on the pet bed with a plushie (if you are not allowed on the couch sleep on the floor on your pet bed - I don't like pets sleeping on plane flooring as real life health issues can occur for humans from this).

15:00 - awaken from your slumber - a quick grooming session and onto chasing some toys and chewing up things which are questionable.

16:00 - you might like to go for a walk - grab your leash or a harness and take to the streets (you can hide leashes under clothing as well as harnesses).

17:00 - as it is getting later in the day - its time to prepare a warm meal as well as maybe set up a den. place the TV on or some music but have them on low to settle the animal mind.

19:00 - place self in your most comfy attire, brush teeth, brush hair etc and sit in your den with some cuddle toys - you can watch shows at this point and enjoy a chew toy during this time. a bowl of warm milk is also a good one for settling in for the night.

Basic Rules:

Think of a list of house rules you would like:

example list below:

No pets on furniture

No barking or yowling after hours

shoes are off limits

self care

Other Activities:

chasing pigeons

walks

audible stories for bedtime

pre recorded training commands by yourself - you can also time pre recorded messages like "walkies!" and "good girl" "good boy" "good pup" "good kitten". This might also help with constructive play and timing of activities.

bath time - fill up the bath or have a shower play with rubber toys like ducks and even rubber balls. (remember to soak in a vinegar solution afterward as they tend to mould inside)

If you live near a nature park you can go for a stroll and even stalk and pounce.

go to the local pool and fetch and retrieve sinking toys!

play in cardboard boxes and tunnels!

[just-some-gt-trash]

2.- Glitch

AND I AM LATE TO MY OWN OROMT LIST WUUUUUU

Tbh I underestimated how much my writing has improved since my last monthly list, and therefore how much time I need to write.

But here is day two! On day five!

Pairings: Lomoceit

Summary: Logan was created with the purpose of providing humans with all the knowledge they needed. Unfortunately, his creator passed away before he was launched to the market, leaving him activated on his old house. His existence has been pretty boring since then. Until a cute couple moved next door.

—————————————————————————

Logan was looking out the window as usual. It was one of his usual activities since he didn't really have anything else to do, but today was different. There was a couple moving next door.

Logan had seen them go in and out of their new house for hours. It wasn't like he had anything else to do, and it didn't exactly get boring either. He was analyzing the way they walked, the way they carried boxes, and every movement they made. He was programmed for that after all.

It didn't take long for the sky to get dark so he started the “night shift” for the house. It only turned on all the lights and made sure the energy saving settings were off. He didn't know why he was still doing it since there was no one living in the house, but it helped him establish a routine.

A soft nuzzle against his legs snapped him out of his thoughts. Well, the house wasn't completely empty. Perhaps saying there were no humans living there was more adequate.

Logan kneeled down to pet the head of the house dog, Thomas. He knew dogs were quite affectionate creatures, especially this one, so pets were the way to go when trying to calm it down. “It is still not time for your dinner Thomas”, he reminded it “I’ll make sure to feed you as always. Do not worry about that.” Thomas only walked away in response, most likely to go take a nap or something.

Logan sighed and looked back out. Apparently the couple decided to stop for the day. It was logical, they must be tired from working all day after all. Still, Logan couldn't really understand why he was so disappointed he couldn't see them anymore. He would have to wait for tomorrow.

There was some movement on one of the windows from the neighbor's house. One of the humans pocked their head through the window and looked out, making direct eye contact with Logan. The human smiled widely and waved at him. Logan only stepped aside and closed the curtains of his own house. Having a relationship with a human wouldn't be a good idea.

Patton was unpacking his collection of snowglobes. The shelf above the chimney was the perfect spot! He was loving every single minute of unpacking and redecorating their new home. Him and Janus had taken a big step when they decided to move together, and Patton couldn't be happier.

Well, he could. Patton noticed his neighbor had been looking at them through their window. Janus would freak out, but Patton thought they just looked lonely. He really wanted to go and introduce himself but didn't have the chance, until now.

Janus was out looking for a job nearby, so Patton had the house all for himself. He had spent the previous days trying out their new kitchen and had plenty of pastries to offer to his neighbor. So Patton packed some cookies up on a nice gift bag and headed out of his house.

Patton rang the doorbell of his neighbor’s house and waited patiently for someone to answer. A couple of seconds passed and Patton decided to try again, still nothing. “Hello? Is anybody home?” He was starting to get a little bit desperate and started ringing the doorbell multiple times in a row.

A groan could be heard from the other side of the door before it opened. A tall and slim man wearing formal clothes stood in front of him “Good morning. I politely ask you to stop playing with my doorbell and go back to your own house.”

Patton smiled at them “Hello. I’m Patton, he/him pronouns,” he extended his hand towards him.

Logan raised an eyebrow and sighed. He took Patton's hand and gave a firm handshake “You may call me Logan, and I suppose pronouns are not quite suitable for me but I’m mostly referred to as a male.”

Patton blinked “so… he/they?”

Logan shrugged “however you want to adress me is fine for me. It's not really something I’ve thought about before.” Perhaps he could look more into it later.

“Well, whatever makes you comfortable then!” Patton nodded with a wide smile. He had never met someone so formal with their words like Logan. He reminded him of an old fashioned butler.

Logan nodded back slightly. “Now as I was saying.” He felt a gentle nudge on his legs as he asked Patton to leave once again.

Patton looked down and gasped. “You have a dog?!” He kneeled down to pet it happily.

Logan was taken aback by Patton ignoring him. He looked down at them “I do, theoretically. Thomas doesn't exactly belongs to me but I do serve as it's caregiver.”

“It's adorable. Is it a golden retriever?” Patton loved dogs. He loved all animals but was unfortunately allergic to cats so he couldn't get one. He was halfway through convincing Janus to get a dog though!

Logan shook his head a bit. “Thomas is a red golden retriever, you may notice a variation on the color of its fur.”

Patton nodded, “that makes sense. You're so lucky to have a cute dog like this one.” Patton chuckled softly as he kept petting Thomas.

Logan hummed, “I suppose I am. It does need a lot of physical activity and special diet needs, but I’ve managed to accommodate its necessities.”

Patton smiled softly, “sounds like fun! This good guy must have the time of his life going on walks.”

“Ah,” Logan pushed his glasses up, “not exactly. Neither Thomas nor I get out of this house. It can run around in the backyard and I make sure to keep it entertained. I also built a rather complicated machine that helps it keep the healthy levels of exercise it needs.”

Patton looked up at Logan with wide eyes “woah. Wait, you seriously never get out of your house?”

Logan shook his head “I don't.” As much as he wanted to 'info dump’ on Patton, his purpose and functionality must remain a secret until his official release to the public. “I am not quite fond of being outdoors.”

Patton frowned a bit. “Well, maybe we could go out one day!”

Logan blinked “Pardon?”

Patton stood back up and nodded with a smile. “We can take Thomathy for a walk, or just explore the neighborhood together! Oh! And I can bring my partner Janus! I’m sure you two will get along!”

That… surprisingly didn't sound bad? Logan hummed as he tried to understand why. “As uh, lovely as that sounds, I’m afraid it won't be possible.”

Patton's smile dropped “oh, it's alright. I guess we can come visit again sometime then?”

Logan thought for a bit, having humans around wasn't a good idea. He wasn't supposed to be interacting with anyone without the host’s permission in the first place, but he knew he wasn't going to get it either way. “That can be possible.”

Patton’s smile returned, and Logan couldn't help but smile back at that. “Sounds like a plan then! Should I uh… give you my number?”

“You can. Just tell it to me and I’ll memorize it to call you later.”

Patton nodded and did that. “Then I’ll be seeing you and Thomas soon!” Patton gave one last pet to the dog. “Oh! And I almost forgot!” He handed Logan the bag of cookies, “I backed these earlier in the week but they're still good and I figured I could share some with you!”

Logan took the bag, he couldn't eat but it was just an act of courtesy. “Thank you Patton. We’ll be pleased to have you around again”

And with that, Patton made his way back home. He waved at Logan as he walked away.

Logan waved back and instructed Thomas to go back inside the house before closing the door behind them. He looked down at the cookies with a small smile. He felt something warm on his chest… and then it became pain.

Logan groaned and rubbed his head. He looked at his hand as it started glitching. The censor on the ceiling started beeping. “Thomas, I need to inactivate myself.” He walked to the living room and left the cookies on the coffee table. “I’ll be back to feed you.” Logan looked up at the censor and his physical form pixelated away until he disappeared completely.

Logan hadn't had any manteinece whatsoever since his creator passed away. He hadn't had any issues until now. Did it have anything to do with Patton visiting? Either way, he needed to rest and let the system analyze him.

Patton took the batch of cookies out of the oven just in time. They would be heading to Logan’s house to hang out soon and he figured he would bake for him again.

Janus wasn’t as excited as his boyfriend. “Are you sure this Logan guy wants me there?”

“Of course!” Patton nodded, “he never said you couldn’t come.”

Janus sighed, “that still doesn’t mean I’m welcome in his house.”

Patton took off his oven mittens and looked over at his partner. “Come on Jan, we need to meet new people. You haven’t been that friendly with your coworkers.”

“They keep misgendering me.” Janus defended themselves, “I don’t want to be friends with people that can’t do something as simple as respecting pronouns.”

“I do not believe there’s not a single person in that office that uses they/them for you” Patton walked closer to them as they talked. He took their hands. “I know you don’t like new people, but I already did half the work for you,” he chuckled a bit. “Logan is not a complete stranger, and he sounds smart! You could probably talk about techy stuff.”

Janus rolled their eyes a bit at Patton. “Fine, just because you say he’s nice.”

Patton smiled and gave Janus a quick kiss “I promise, we’ll have a fun time!”

Logan was freaking out. Not only was his glitch getting worse no matter how many times the system told him there were no errors, but his creator’s family finally found out he was dead.

Based on the information they shared with him, they weren’t really close to their family and they thought they were crazy for trying to be an inventor. It was no surprise for Logan that it took them weeks to hear the news, but he wasn’t expecting them to want the house either.

Logan didn’t know how, but he was scared. Those people visited early and even called a shelter to come and take Thomas with them. They weren’t even going to keep it! Logan was able to call them and cancel of course. One of his assigned tasks was to take care of the house dog.

If, no, when they manage to move in it’s not going to take them long to find out the censors around the house are apparently doing nothing and then they would get rid of them. The probabilities of Logan ending up in the trash was 85.6%. The other 14.4% were the probabilities of him being recycled.

They left about an hour ago but Logan didn’t know what to do. Those humans were… dumb, for the lack of a better word. They were used to farm life and most likely knew nothing about technology. Even if Logan revealed himself to them, they would be useless, maybe even a burden, taking care of him.

The doorbell rang, shit. With everything that happened, Logan forgot about Patton and Janus’ visit. Well he didn’t forget, but his processing system didn’t categorize it as a priority. Logan took a deep breath as if he needed oxygen and hoped he wouldn’t glitch while they were here. He would kick them out, but he was really looking forward to hanging out with them for some reason.

Logan opened the door and offered them a warm smile. “Good evening, it’s a pleasure to have you both here.”

Patton smiled back at him “Thank you for inviting us Logan.”

“You’re welcome.” Logan nodded slightly and stepped aside “you can come in.”

Patton nodded and walked inside hand in hand with Janus. Thomas ran to them excitedly and almost tackled Patton. “Woah there,” he chuckled, “it’s nice to see you too buddy.”

Janus held the bag of cookies so Patton could pet the dog. They smiled a bit at it and looked back at Logan. “I’m Janus, they/them pronouns.”

Logan nodded “It’s nice to finally meet you. Patton mentioned you in the little time we talked the other day.”

Patton blushed slightly and chuckled. “Well, they are the love of my life after all.”

Janus blushed darkly and gave Patton’s foot a slight kick.

Logan looked between them as he tried to analyze the situation. There was no way of making it less awkward but he was still going to try. “Would you like to go outside? There’s a back porch with a small living room where we can spend some time, and Thomas would get to run around and play with you if you want.”

“Sounds good to me!” Patton nodded. Thomas had gotten off him as soon as it heard ‘outside’.

Janus nodded in agreement “As long as there’s not any mosquitos attacking me.”

“The porch has an anti-bug system installed as well as a radiator and plenty of lighting in case the evening gets too cold,” Logan explained. “I can guarantee there won’t be any mosquitoes bugging us.”

Patton snorted at the joke and Janus rolled their eyes. “Great, you found someone with the same licking for dad jokes Patt.”

Logan raised an eyebrow, “I don’t think I understand.”

“Mosquitoes, bugging us.” Patton tried to explain, “don’t tell me the joke wasn’t intentional.”

Logan recalled his words in his mind and finally understood. “Ah, no, I’m afraid it wasn’t. But I can certainly make some jokes if those are of your liking.”

Patton smirked, “oh please. I love Janus’ annoyed face every time I make one” he chuckled and kissed his partner’s cheek.

Logan didn’t know what it was, but it didn’t feel quite right to see Patton and Janus interacting as a couple. He was well aware they were dating and all but seeing them being so affectionate with each other made him feel… glitchy. “Why don’t you go ahead while I put those aside?” He looked at the bag of cookies on Janus’ hands, “just go all the way down the hallway and you will see a clear door.”

Janus nodded a bit and handed the cookies to Logan before walking away, Patton and Thomas following behind them.

Logan hurried to the kitchen and closed the door behind him. He started to glitch again, the bag going through his hands and falling to the floor. This was bad, he couldn’t let Patton or Janus see him like this. He picked up the cookies and left them in the pantry next to the previous batch Patton gave him, which remained untouched, and went outside with the humans.

Things were going surprisingly well. Logan got the chance to get to know the couple better and even talk to Janus alone while Patton was in the bathroom. He hadn’t glitched again and was having a really fun time with them. Everything was perfect, but of course, it didn’t last long.

Logan’s sensors detected a car parking in front of the house. The same car that had been there earlier, oh no. Logan excused himself to go look outside, only to confirm that those humans were in fact his creator’s family again. Logan started one of the security protocols of the house and locked the doors. He had to figure out how to get Patton and Janus out of the house.

To make things even worse, Logan started glitching again. He was running out of time! His systems must definitely be overheating right now. He held down his glitches and would try to repress them as much as he could. He went back outside “Alright, I’m going to have to be completely honest with you two now.”

Patton looked at him with a confused look “What’s wrong?”

“I am going to explain everything that is going on, but you are going to have to trust me. There’s some people trying to come inside the house. We can’t let them know we’re here.” Logan tapped a specific spot on the ground and the coffee table rose up revealing a staircase going down into the ground. “No one knows about this place, we’ll be safe if we go down there.”

Janus stood up and pulled Patton with them. “What?! You seriously can’t expect us to go in there.”

Logan had started the ‘sleeping mode' on the house and the lights inside turned off. “Please. I am well aware that we don’t really know each other, and you have absolutely no reason to trust me. But I don’t want you to get in trouble within your first month of living here.”

Patton looked inside as the lights went off, them at the secret entrance, and then at his partner. “We have to Jan.”

“No we don’t. He could be trying to kill us or something,” Janus pulled Patton away. “We’re leaving.” They were about to open the door to go back in when they heard footsteps from the inside and stepped back. They looked at Patton, who gave them a reassuring nod. They sighed “fine, but I swear if you try anything sketchy.”

“I won’t. This is merely for your safety.” Logan made a hand movement towards the stairs, instructing Thomas to go down.

The humans gave each other one last look before going down as well. Logan followed them and made the entrance close behind them.

Downstairs was a secret bunker his creator made in case of an emergency. It was equipped with one of Logan’s sensors, tools in case he needed fixing, food and water for humans and dogs, and Logan’s ‘heart’. It wasn’t really a heart of course, it was just a large cpu that contained all his programming and archives.

Janus looked around the room, focusing on the cpu as they admired how advanced it was. “What is this place?”

“A bunker, technically.” Logan knew it wasn't able to protect humans from all natural or human created disasters, but it definitely made the chances of survival bigger.

“Alright, and why did we have to come down here then? Who are those people?” Janus was getting quite defensive. Logan was nice and all but this situation made them feel like their safety was at risk.

Logan let out a sigh. “I promised I would explain.” He stood under his sensor and looked up at it. “This house is not my property. All of this belonged to my creator.”

Patton raised an eyebrow. “Your creator? You mean your parent?”

“If you would like to see it that way.” Logan had never thought about it like that. “The thing is, I am not human. I am a virtual home assistant. There are censors all around the house that allow me to materialize in a room and control the different electronic devices such as lights or security systems. I was created to help humans with their daily tasks through the day, as well as provide knowledge about any subject of interest. What I do not know I can learn through the internet.

Patton and Janus looked at each other as Logan explained. Janus let out a dry chuckle “so you’re like Siri.”

Logan winced, “please don't call me that. Siri is not as advanced as myself and it's obsolete in comparison.” He fixed his glasses and spoke quite proudly.

Patton couldn't help but chuckle at that. He let go of Janus’ hand and walked closer to Logan. “You're a hologram then?”

“Not exactly. Every molecule of my body is digitalized but I do possess a physical form.” Logan reached to grab Patton's hand. “I am able to touch and interact with other physical stuff around me as long as I’m activated. There's also a setting that keeps me in ‘voice mode’ just like other virtual assistants.”

Patton intertwined his fingers with Logan’s “and you're here all alone? Well, with Thomas.”

Logan looked down at their hands and nodded, “I am. My creator passed away not that long ago, but their family just found out about it.” He glitched, making his fingers go through Patton's. “The censors in the house are the only thing that keep me… alive, in a way. If those people move here and don't uninstall them properly-”

“You disappear,” Janus interrupted them. “And even if they don't, without someone checking your systems, you'll keep failing.”

Logan nodded and glitched again. “There must be some kind of error on my program but I'm not being able to detect it.” He walked to his cpu, “the only thing I know is that it started when Patton first visited.”

Patton walked back to Janus, “you can fix him!”

“What? Me? Why should I? We barely even know him and I wouldn't even be able to decipher his code without any sort of help from the developer,” Janus explained.

Patton sighed, “we can't just leave Logan to die.”

“I wouldn't die, I would just cease to exist,” Logan looked back at them. “My creator had several journals where he explained all the process of my development. All the information needed for me to function is here,” he tapped the cpu a couple of times.

“Please Jan.” Patton took his partner’s hands and squeezed them, “we can't just do nothing. I would do it myself but I know nothing about computers and programming and all that stuff you do.”

Janus looked at between Logan and Patton, they sighed. “Fine, but it’s going to take time. I’m not completely sure when I’ll be able to activate you again. We would have to take the cpu to our house as well as the censors and install them there.

Logan nodded, “I understand. The cpu itself it’s enough to have me active on a monitor, so I’ll be able to guide you through the whole process. We can get started as soon as the people upstairs leave.”

And they did. Patton and Janus managed to move the cpu to their home and connect it to their computer. A digital version of Logan lived on the screen and he was still able to communicate with the humans. Besides working on getting Logan’s physical form back, they started doing more hanging up nights. They got to know each other better, but that only seemed to make Logan’s errors worse.

Janus made some significant progress and was able to activate a mini Logan using their phone as a sensor. He was even able to walk around the desk freely. But they still couldn’t find the cause of the glitching.

Patton made sure to help with what he could. He took care of Thomas, who was now living as their dog, and made sure Janus didn’t overwork.

During one of the many casual talks Janus and Logan had, the topic of pronouns came up. “How did you know you wanted to go by they/them?”

Janus shrugged, “It’s not really something like a big revelation or something. I just came across the non-binary label and different sets of pronouns, they/them just sounds right.”

Logan hummed. He had gone through all the articles he could find online about the topic and still didn’t fully understand. “Would it make sense for me to use them? I do not really have a gender and I’ve been thinking about that since Patton introduced himself. My physical form can be altered through my code and I don’t know how being a boy or a girl feels like.” He started rambling about his worries. Did he want this only because it was logical?

Janus listened as they kept working, they eventually stopped to look at the small assistant sitting on their desk. “If you want to try it, go ahead. It’s not a bad thing to change your label or how you want people to refer to you as you discover more about yourself. You become more sentient with every new code and every upgrade you get. I suppose it resembles your growth, not as an artificial intelligence, but as a person.”

Logan looked up at them, “that… makes sense…” He glitched, and an idea came to his, their? Their mind, “that’s it!.” Logan stood up and walked to Janus’ phone to go back into the monitor. They looked through the codes until they found what they were looking for. “I become more sentient with every upgrade, but I haven’t been upgraded in months,” they looked at Janus through the screen. “Somehow I was able to develop a wider range of emotions, more than the original intent. I’ve become more advanced than my last upgrade.”

Janus’ eyes went wide as they understood what Logan was saying, “you need an upgrade, one that allows your system to process those emotions as part of you and not as an error.”

Logan nodded, “exactly. Do you think you can do it?”

“Well, we’ve come this far. I’m sure an upgrade won’t be as hard as it sounds.”

Logan chuckled a bit and looked back at their codes. “You know, I do want to try going by they/them pronouns. The agender label sounds like the most accurate for me.”

Janus smiled softly and tapped the screen with one finger. “Welcome to the club then.”

Logan looked back at him and placed their hand on Janus’ finger. They smiled and glitched again as that warm feeling on his chest returned.

“Are you ready Patt?”

Patton bounced on his feet with excitement, he had Thomas running around him. “I am! Come on come ooon! Activate them!”

Janus chuckled and kissed Patton’s cheek. “Patton, darling, I present to you,” they tried to reach up to activate the sensor but underestimated how tall the ceiling was. “Oh come on!”

Patton held back a laugh and grabbed his partner under their armpits to lift them up. “There you go!”

Janus yelped and blushed, “this is the last time I let you pick me up…” They both knew that wasn’t true, but Patton would let them think it was. “As I was saying, I present to you” they turned the sensor on.

It glowed with a dark blue light and projected a beam of light under it. Several pixels appeared and fused together until Logan’s physical form was completed. “L.O.G.A.N 6.4!”

Logan opened their eyes and let them adjust to the light in the room. Their scanners recognized Janus and Patton as the new hosts, and Thomas as the house dog. “Greetings, your L.O.G.A.N 6.4 has been successfully upgraded and activated, please wait for previous data to download completely.” Logan stood still as they finished their upgrading process. They blinked once they were ready.

“Logan?” Patton walked closer to them, a bit worried something went wrong and they went back to default mode.

Logan smiled softly, “it’s me, hello Patton”

Patton squealed and hugged Logan tightly. “It worked! It really worked!”

Janus joined the group hug happily. “It’s so nice to have you back Lo.”

Logan wrapped their arms around the humans with a slight blush. They didn’t glitch this time, not that it surprised them since they fixed that issue, but it felt different than they expected it to feel. “It’s nice to be back.”

Their systems weren’t able to fully comprehend every emotion just yet, but Logan was sure of something. They never wanted to live alone again. No, they never wanted to live without Janus and Patton again.

[valiantarcher]

I have random and assorted thoughts on my Constance Savery reads over the past couple of weeks. I’ve categorised them by work (Magic in My Shoes, “The Waswytch Secret”, The Reb and the Redcoats, The Good Ship Red Lily, and Enemy Brothers) so those who haven’t read all of them have the option to (hopefully easily) scroll past the unread ones if they so desire. I have also put them under the cut due to length.

Magic in My Shoes: I enjoyed Sally as the narrator, and the premise was engaging even with me knowing the secret early in the book. I was a little surprised by the accusations of ill-nourishment and neglect against Aunt Persis, but in retrospect, I appreciate that realism - four growing children are not going to flourish off even generous portions for two of them. Which brings me to my main complaint - Tandy and his unwillingness to see gorging himself was selfish and wrong on many levels. Despite the thin excuse that he had been delicate and sickly at times in the past, I really expected Josset (with Laurence’s support) to put his foot down instead of continuing to baby him (after all, as someone remarked, triplets are all of the same age). Tandy didn’t ruin the story for me, but he made certain parts of it very irritating. I did love the plan involving ten-year-old Laurence becoming a schoolteacher and, when Aunt Persis declared that was nonsense, all the children bring up a moral tale with a six-year-old being so studious that she became a teacher as solid proof.

“The Waswytch Secret”: Given that it was in a collection of ghost stories (well, sort of - most had some sort of haunting element, if only a little, but I’m still not sure why “The Red-Headed League” was included), I wasn’t sure what to expect at first. It was thoroughly Savery, though, and an enjoyable read with an element of mystery. It felt slightly different from her novels, and I think that was due to the choice of one of the younger children as narrator.

Reb and Redcoats: This was a reread and I found it a pretty fun one this time around. Randal’s integration into and relationship with the Darringtons was charming. I couldn’t decide whether Tim Wingate’s inaptitude for stealth and secrecy was more irritating or amusing, but I swung towards the latter by the end, especially given his cheerful nature. My main gripe is that I still feel like the Patty switch was kind of cheating.

The Good Ship Red Lily: I struggled with this one a lot even past (or maybe because of) the tense start. Violet was a horrible child, and I loathed Ingram and disliked Sir Timon. Objectively, of course it’s good that there was reconciliation with Ingram and that he repented and asked forgiveness, but I could not make myself invested in it (though the tiny glimpses we had of it from Michael’s perspective helped a little). I enjoyed Toby as primary character a lot and especially appreciated his resolution to deny the pleasures when he felt accepting them would go against his conscience. I wasn’t very pleased with the treatment of Patience, though - Toby said the others didn’t join him in his denial because they were too young to understand; while that certainly makes sense for the younger ones (and Violet is a category in and of herself), Patience is a year older than him and - although not privy to all the knowledge and trust from their father that Toby is - was Toby’s confidant about plans to escape. She showed a lack of wisdom in following Violet up the chimney, but that could partially have been explained by her caregiving to the younger children. Regardless, especially since all knew about Ingram’s betrayal, I think Patience at least should have been given a reason for not seeing the pleasures as a betrayal of their father instead of being pushed to the side and under the general but false umbrella of “too young to understand”.

Enemy Brothers: Especially after The Good Ship Red Lily, I was afraid this one might not live up to the positive recollection I had of it - but it didn’t disappoint. I very much appreciated that, although Dym was the one who had a special connection with Tony, Tony belonged to the entire family and they to him. I know Tony takes it lightly at the end and chalks it up to their keenness for detective work, but James and Porgy cycling 60 miles after him and the German in the car was no small thing. And, while it bugs me a little bit that Ginger doesn’t recgonise Tony despite the marked resemblance to Dym, I’ll let it go with the idea that he thinks he’s familiar but his brain doesn’t provide the correct context while on ship. I have a new appreciation for Dym. On one hand, of course he is gentle and doesn’t take harm easily from Tony - he’s been searching for Tony for years and so he’s been choosing to love Tony for years. And, on the other, you can tell he still hasn’t forgiven Max’s Mutti for stealing Tony and just how much effort it takes for him to choose to tell Tony to still love her and that he will take him to see her after the war. I also appreciate the honesty that Dym had in discussing England’s past and how they were not always on the side of right but that this time, they were. Also, Dym was a bomber pilot! I don’t know the exact statistics, but this was an incredibly dangerous job. I’m sure it varied some between organizations and aircraft, but if you were on the crew of a US B-17 bomber doing runs, the odds were you would only make it halfway through the 25 runs (I believe that’s right for the year it was published?) you were supposed to before being killed, captured, or severely injured. Even if you beat the odds and made it through all those runs (as some did), you would have had multiple crewmembers who did not and so would not have kept your full crew together (Were there rare exceptions to this, crews who made it all together? I hope so, but I don’t know). At any rate, when Euphemia comments to Dym and his friends to leave croquet until the summer when it was warmer and the way they all looked at each other for a moment as if there was no certainty that summer would come hit hard this time. (Oh, I just found someone noting that the RAF flew night missions and had a higher casualty rate than the US bombers, though it did depend on the year, of course - if they weren’t in the worst year yet, they were heading into it.) And the moment when Tony finds Dym and comes up behind him, nervous and afraid, and whispers “Please, George, I’ve come back” is just wonderful. I think there’s an idea of fear and justice vs. love and mercy, along with the hope that the choice of coming back will make a difference, but I haven’t figured out how to put it into words. I’m actually kind of shocked this book has never been made into a movie or a mini-series, especially when WWII stories have been so popular in somewhat recent years. But perhaps the strong Christian threads have put producers off (...not that that’s stopped others from mangling or removing them from other works).

The Good Ship Red Lily and Enemy Brothers: Enemy Brothers feels like a kind of inverse of The Good Ship Red Lily. Both books deal with children meeting and spending time with family members (and because of kidnapping, no less) and making decisions as to where home is and who true family is, but the role of the family is drastically different. In Red Lily, the dapper uncle is the kidnapper. Ingram tries to act like he is filling the kind, wise, but fun adult role and the children do love him for that. However, he is directly and actively responsible for their kidnapping, for previous imprisonment of their father, and for the current attempt to capture their father. In Enemy Brothers, Dym is ostensibly in the enemy role (being English and responsible for Tony’s “imprisonment” in the White Priory), but his actions are kind, loving, and (mostly) wise. Even when Tony is hating him, he can’t deny there’s a magnetism around Dym that all the children, including him, recognise and respond to. It’s not quite that serious, but I am reminded of the exchange in The Fellowship of the Ring about the enemy’s agents seeming fair but feeling foul, while the good may look foul but feel fair. But where an understanding of Ingram’s true nature leads Toby to separate from him and his grandfather, a deeper understanding of Dym and his true character helps Tony to make the hard but right decision about his home and family. In both cases, repentance and returning bring about reconciliation and restoration, but Ingram is the one repenting in Red Lily, confessing and asking forgiveness of his brother. In Enemy Brothers, Tony is the one who comes back, finally seeking the brother who has sought him for so long. He doesn’t ask for forgiveness from his brother in words and indeed doesn’t need to because his actions speak so loudly of it, but is fully received with love and restored.

[cuddlepilefics]

9.    Glazed Almonds

Fandom: Monsta X

Little: Jooheon

Caregiver: mostly Kihyun

 Minhyuk’s POV.:

The dynamics of our group have changed a bit recently. After having to take a step back from group activities due to his anxiety, Jooheon had tried different therapy approaches. One evening him and Kihyun had gathered all members in the living room. Kihyun had also been the one to accompany the rapper to some of his sessions and his support was easier accepted by the younger than ours, for some reason our Honey struggled to open up to anyone except Kihyun and sometimes Changkyun. That particular evening, he announced, he wanted to tell us something but when we were all sitting there expectantly, he had freaked out a bit, not being able to say a single word. With the nodded permission, Kihyun had spoken up to explain what Jooheon had wanted to tell us. It was about one of his therapy approaches, the one that had helped him the most during his sessions and what he had used as coping strategy ever since. Kihyun had reminded us to be open-minded because the reason the rapper had freaked out was because he feared our reaction. How could we react in a negative way, if it is something that helps him? He probably never noticed but watching him hurt tore each and every member to pieces inside.

What they introduced us to, was a thing called age regression. Apparently, an individual acts, thinks and feels as though they are a younger age than they physically are. More accurately, an age when they had no worries. It was a bit difficult to grasp at first, it being hard to imagine Jooheon not being the Jooheon we knew. Nevertheless, we asked them to explain it in depth, so we’d be able to support our rapper the way he needed it. Not receiving the rejection he had feared, he had quickly slipped into his headspace, introducing all his plushies by name. It had been hard not to squeal at his cuteness but we were afraid of scaring him. While calmly playing along with Jooheon and his plushies, we had learned that Kihyun was something that’s called a caregiver to the little. Basically, a protective figure that looks out for the little, comforts him when sad or laughs along when happy. With the vocalist’s motherly instincts, it had only made sense that he’d take that role for Jooheon when he regressed. Jooheon had gotten tired quickly, falling asleep in his best friend’s arms. While the maknae had carried him to bed, tucking him in with his favorite plushie, we had asked Kihyun to teach us how to care for our member should he ever slip without his caregiver around. We had stayed up till late at night, receiving our lesson in How to care for a little.

Ever since then, we were all looking out for our Joohoney. Of course, only Changkyun could get as close with his fellow maknae as Kihyun but that was alright. Whatever he is comfortable with. It was fine, especially because we all get to cuddle and play with him. The cuteness that came with his younger headspace was overwhelming again every single time. I was so lucky to share a room with the rapper and Kihyun. I woke up early today, hearing soft whines and shuffling coming from Jooheon, something the rapper never did when he was big, so I figured he had regressed. That was alright, since we have no schedule today. I looked over at Kihyun but he was deeply asleep, unaware of his little’s distress. Nervously, I got out of bed, walking over to the messy bundle of blankets that probably also contained a regressed rapper. I gently started pocking the bundle, before pulling aside the edge of the blanket, coming face to face with the most adorable, squishy pout I had ever seen. “Well good morning, Honey”, I whispered, patting Jooheon’s sleep-ruffled hair. He gave be a dimpled smile before yawning and making grabby hands for me. I was a bit insecure because I had never been alone with the little before but I tried to just follow my instincts by picking him up and sneaking out to the living room quietly so Kihyun could get at least a bit more rest.

We were cuddling on the couch, watching cartoons on my tablet till the little got hungry. What do littles even eat? “Honey, what are you hungry for?”, I asked helplessly only receiving a frown. He wasn’t really the talkative one so I just carried him to the kitchen, letting him sit on the counter while I showed him different foods I deemed suitable for a little. Jooheon made his choice by shaking his head or pointing at the items excitedly. In the end we settled for a sliced banana and a chocolate pudding. Kihyun will probably kill me later when he learns that I let his little have pudding for a meal but if he has a problem with that, he should have woken up and handled the situation himself. His breakfast was messy and before we could go back to watching our cartoons, I wiped the table and we had to take a detour to the bathroom to wash the littles hands and face. I was actually surprised how entertaining cartoons could be and I was so captivated that Kihyun’s hand on my shoulder startled me as he seemingly appeared out of nowhere. “Momma”, Jooheon squealed giving his brightest smile. “Good morning to you too, baby”, the vocalist hummed, kissing his forehead. “Why are you up already?”, he continued, looking at me. “Well, I was awake and after a while I heard whining and noticed that our Honey here was awake too, so we went to watch cartoons together and let you sleep a bit longer”, I explained.

I offered to cook breakfast today because Jooheon had immediately taken his caregiver captive not allowing him to get up from the carpet where the two were playing. Slowly our members woke up one by one, shuffling into the living room. It was hard to get their attention off of our little but after a while I had gathered them all at the breakfast table. Jooheon sitting next to Kihyun, not really eating because he had already had a small breakfast but stealing small bites from Kihyun’s plate while the caregiver pretended not to notice. Changkyun on the other side of the table had secretly taken out his phone, recording them. We had no plans for today so we wanted to have some quiet time at the dorm and maybe try to get into the Chrastmas spirit. It couldn’t be too difficult to get into a joyous mood when you have a joyful little around you now, could it?

 Kihyun’s POV.:

I was really happy for my dongsaeng that he finally could regress freely around our members after having to do it in secrecy for weeks. We had actually planned for him to regress today, since we were free for the day. What I had not expected however was that, he’d wake up before me, so when he was gone when I woke up, I panicked for a second before my eyes fell onto Minhyuk’s empty bed. I calmed myself down, although Minhyuk has never cared for a little by himself, at least there was someone with Jooheon. I found them together in the living room and was relieved that my baby was actually being cared for well while I was asleep.

After breakfast, I convinced my group to occupy our regressed rapper for a while, not that they had a problem with that, rather the opposite was the case, so that I could busy myself in the kitchen. I knew glazed almonds were one of Jooheon’s favorite seasonal treats, never failing to make him feel nostalgic, so I figured it would be perfect for him to have when in little space, especially in our attempt to get into a festive mood today. Hyunwoo and Minhyuk went out to buy some Christmas decoration and plastic ornaments, while Changkyun and Hyungwon helped Jooheon pick out his favorite fairylights, hanging them up in the places the little pointed to while I quietly watched from the kitchen door. Satisfied that they were handling it, I pulled out a wrinkled paper that I had slipped between the pages of a cookbook my mother gave me.

Glazed Almonds

Ingredients:

·        200g unpeeled Almonds

·        200g white sugar

·        100ml Water

·        Pinch of salt

·        ½ tsp. cinnamon / gingerbread spice mix

Mix sugar, water, salt and spices in a pan and heat the mixture up on high till it starts bubbling gently.

Add in the almonds, stirring with a wooden spoon.

Keep boiling on high while stirring constantly till the moisture has evaporated and the sugar looks crumbly.

Turn the heat to medium and keep stirring till the sugar starts to melt again.

Turn off the heat and spread the almond out on a baking sheet, separating them carefully with a spoon to prevent them from sticking together.

Be careful, melted sugar is extremely hot!

 Hyungwon’s POV.:

We’ve been decorating the dorm with Jooheon, waiting for Hyunwoo and Minhyuk to return with more decoration since we barely owned any. The fun really only started when the two came back, emptying their shopping bags onto the carpet. Buying plastic ornaments was the wisest foresight anyone could have had, it was Kihyun’s idea, so what did I expect? The little was worse than any cat when it came to ornaments. He could stare into the shiny globe for minutes straight, before suddenly rolling it across the carpet giggling. Since we didn’t have to worry about anything being broken, we just laughed along, hanging up paper stars and setting up LED candles. We didn’t want to have any open fire with a little around. It was nice watching our second-youngest so carefree again, I had missed it. The dorm slowly filled with a warm and sweet cinnamon scent and I snuck away to the kitchen to check how much longer the vocalist would take, since Jooheon wanted to show his momma the pretty Christmas ornaments. The almonds already lay spread out on a baking sheet and I reached out to try on, freezing in my tracks as Kihyung who had just turned around yelled: “STOP! No touching yet. They’re still extremely hot.” I startled but pulled my hand back, trying to get my heartrate down after the shock.

Kihyun was still cleaning up when Jooheon shuffled into the kitchen, being lured by the smell. Like he had done earlier, he tried to sneak a bite, me only realizing what he was doing when it was to late. Alarmed by a loud cry, Kihyun shot over, pulling the little towards the sink to let some cold water run over his burned fingers as I stood in shock. A worried Changkyun popped his head into the kitchen to see what was going on, turning on his heels to fetch the first aid kit while Kihyun tried to calm the little down with their hands still under the water. When the maknae returned, pulling some ointment as well as two cute band-aids from the first aid kit, Kihyun turned off the water and gently dabbed the water of Jooheon’s hands, so the band-aids would stick, while shushing him quietly. The little was reduced to silent whimpers as Kihyun sat him down at the table. “Aww baby, what happened?”, Changkyun cooed, crouching in front of his best friend. “Ouchie”, the mentally younger boy whined, holding out his burned hand. “I see, let’s put some band-aids on that so that the ouchie will go away, hm?”, he hummed sympathetically, applying some of the ointment to the blisters forming on the little’s thumb and index finger before covering it with cute childish band-aids that he’d dug out from the bottom of their first aid kit. One of the band-aids was printed with a small bear while the other had a cute bee on it. Only sniffling a bit, Jooheon allowed his main caregiver to wipe his tears before pulling him in a hug. No one was going to scold the rapper, knowing he had learned from his mistake. Kihyun handed the little an ice pack that he could press his fingers against to numb the pain a bit, guiding him to the couch, where the little sat sandwiched between Minhyuk and Changkyun. Hyunwoo turned on a Christmas movie to distract his dongsaeng from the pain he was feeling. We all got settled in front of the TV and I picked up Jooheon’s favorite ornament that we weren’t allowed to hang up because he wanted to play with it and show it to Kihyun.

In the middle of the movie, the glazed almonds had finally cooled enough for Kihyun to fill them into bowls and serve them on the coffee table. He held out a small plastic bowl to Jooheon for the little to have his treat now. However, the little only shook his head refusing to eat any of it after they had betrayed him earlier. Minhyuk took the bowl and held it in his lap so his dongsaeng could easily reach it in case he changed his mind. We watched his eyes drift from the TV to the bowl longingly before blinking back up at the screen. After a few minutes, Kihyun had had enough. He got up from his spot on the ground next to the couch and picked an almond from the bowl, poking Jooheon’s pouty lips with it who shyly opened his mouth letting his caregiver feed him. The caregiver gently patted the littles head as he saw his eyes light up with emotion at the taste of the festive treat. Not as scared anymore, the little picked up an almond himself, holding it out to Kihyun who thanked him politely before the little got up to give each of his members one of his glazed almonds.

Settling back in his original spot he contently munched away, eyes glued to the TV as the movie reached its climax.

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Adults who suffer from developmental trauma may go on to develop Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or "cPTSD," which is characterized by difficulties in emotional regulation, consciousness and memory, self-perception, distorted perceptions of perpetrators of abuse, difficulties in relationships with other people, and negative effects on the meaningfulness of life.

How Does Developmental Trauma Impact Identity Formation?

Identity formation is an important part of normal development, and takes place across the lifespan. Identity — including one's sense of being good enough, integration of emotion and intellect, basic awareness of emotional state, feeling secure and coherent as an individual, and even the basic experience of who one actually is — is disrupted by developmental trauma, because basic survival takes precedence over, and uses resources ordinarily allocated for, normal development of the self. Early trauma shifts the trajectory of brain development, because an environment characterized by fear and neglect, for example, causes different adaptations of brain circuitry than one of safety, security, and love. The earlier the distress, on average, the more profound the effect.

The task of identity development in adulthood, challenging enough (though rewarding) for those with a secure, safe, and enriching upbringing, is especially fraught for those grappling with the aftermath of developmental trauma. Because of developmental delays and the adult consequences of trauma, which often include substance abuse, eating disorders, depression, higher risk for many health problems, behavioral issues, and difficulty in personal relationships and professional development, identity development gets stuck.

Identity for adults with unresolved developmental trauma is often organized around being a survivor and maintaining basic safety in relation to others, leading to re-traumatizing and disheartening repetitions, preventing growth-oriented experiences. Individuals in this situation become highly identified with a "traumatic self," at the expense of a more inclusive, flexible sense of self. People with significant developmental trauma dissociate from their environment and from themselves early on — a last ditch survival mechanism — and may remain disconnected from themselves throughout childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, only recognizing what has happened when there is no other choice but to do so.

With these considerations in mind, I am highlighting key ways that identity tends to be shaped by earlier traumatic experiences. Understanding these basic themes, which are often a result of dissociative effects on the traumatized personality, can help people recognize areas of difficulty so they can begin doing the work of recovery, repair, and personal growth.

1. Loss of childhood: "I never really had a childhood" or "I can't remember much from growing up."

People who experience a very distressing childhood often can't remember large swathes of their early life. They may remember particularly vivid moments, sometimes called "flashbulb memories," which don't have any context to them. They often don't have a clear story of themselves as a child, up through adolescence, early adulthood, and sometimes even later in life. This autobiographical sense is called a "coherent narrative" in attachment theory, and can be absent, underdeveloped, false, or oversimplified. Many people have told me that they feel like their childhood has been stolen, and without such a foundation, adult identity is compromised.

2. Missing parts of oneself: "I've always felt like something was missing, but I don't know what it is."

With chronic developmental distress, children often disconnect important parts of themselves in order to survive, a form of dissociation. They may come to rely on one major persona in order to have stability and make it appear as if everything were OK — such as being an exemplary student — while having little or no real personal life. Later in life, they may feel like parts of themselves are missing. Through personal growth and therapy, they may rediscover and even create anew these missing parts. Sometimes they are there, stowed away for better times if you will, but younger-feeling than their everyday persona. It's common for these missing parts to be associated with particular emotional states and memories, and reuniting leads to a fuller sense of identity.

3. Attraction to destructive relationships: "I'm the kind of person that always dates people who are bad for me."

It is not uncommon for people traumatized by key caregivers to end up with friendships, romantic relationships, and even work settings which are not good for them. They find people who fit their traumatic identity, even when they are trying to make different and better choices, leading to re-traumatization through repetition of the past.

They may end up being around emotionally unavailable people, abusive or narcissistic people, or end up trying to rescue and fix people they date. Consciously, they want to find someone who can provide what they intellectually know they need and want, yet unconscious influences lead them down unwanted, familiar paths. Frequently, there is a powerful "chemistry" with new relationships, which makes it seem like the relationship will be different, only to learn with disappointment that it is all too familiar. When friends try to warn them, it's not unusual for them to pick the new romance over a trusted friend. Repeatedly getting into destructive relationships can be disorienting and confusing, leading one to question one's self-understanding and locking one into the old identity, while preventing new identities from taking root.

4. Avoidance of relationships: "I'm someone who is better off alone."

Alternatively, people with negative developmental experiences involving intimate relationships may opt to avoid closeness and isolate themselves. Sometimes this starts early on and sometimes later, as an attempt to break the cycle of harmful relationships. But healthy relationships with other people are crucial for personal development, presenting opportunities for growth and change. Missing out on them in adulthood as a self-protective measure further impairs development of a fully adult identity, solidifying a self-perception of unworthiness and self-condemnation. There are many exceptions to the feeling that we are too flawed for others, who deserve better. Most of us have the capacity to offer more than we think we do, and thereby become more appreciative of ourselves. It's too complicated for here to talk about hope, faith in oneself, and how a long process of recovery unfolds. It's worth noting that sometimes we unconscious push people away, appearing to ourselves be a threat when we do not so intend.

5. ​Avoidance of oneself: "I don't like to think about myself; it only makes me feel bad."

Especially when childhood trauma was a defining component of key relationships — parents, siblings, and other important people — any reminder of those experiences may lead to efforts to manage painful emotions and experiences through escape from oneself. Taken to the extreme, this may lead one to self-destruction.

Connection with oneself, as with others, is a powerful reminder of prior trauma, activating memories and emotions which are often too much to handle. Self-care is impaired, and one learns to live apart from oneself as a matter of habit. They may not be able to reflect upon themselves at all, and flee from any encouragement to do so. Sense of self is often characterized by disgust and essential badness, reflecting a rigid traumatic identity.

6. Difficulty integrating emotions into one's identity: "I'm not the kind of person who has strong feelings about things."

When feelings had no place in one's family of origin, emotions become split from identity. They continue to have influence, leading to confusion and an unstable sense of self, because one is unable to predict, let alone manage, strong emotions. We need that emotional data to be fully ourselves and to make decisions. Emotional dysregulation leads to problems with impulsive decisions and gets in the way of forming healthy relationships with others.

People may experience a sense of emotional numbing or (paradoxically) feel they don't have any emotions at all. They may experience a limited range of emotions or feel muted emotions. They may, for example, only be able to feel vague emotions, such as frustration or boredom, or they may block out dissatisfaction until anger explodes. They may only feel negative emotions about themselves, such as disgust and self-loathing — and recoil from anything or anyone presenting a positive view of them, feeling uneasy with gratitude from others, "not knowing how to take a compliment" or feeling mistrustful when people express kindness. They may adopt an overly intellectualized identity, acting stilted or awkward around others.

This leads to difficulty in personal relationships, as emotions are required for intimacy and shape career choices, while often limiting advancement. Identity is narrow and flat, and re-integrating emotions into one's sense of self, while rewarding and necessary for growth, can be very challenging, full of fears and difficult learning experiences.

Moving Forward

While it can be disheartening to read about the effects of developmental trauma in adulthood, and daunting to contemplate doing the work of recovery and identity formation beyond that of the traumatized self, therapeutic efforts are effective. Addressing these issues pays off, though the fact that there are no guarantees is a therapeutic opportunity as well as a point where a lot of people get stuck.

Recovery, grieving, and growth often take place over a longer time period than one would want, and re-connecting with oneself has many layers. Developing a sense that long-term goals are attainable and worth working toward is important, even if it doesn't feel possible or true. Working toward getting basic self-care in place is a vital first step, as is working toward feeling comfortable seeking help when trust in caregivers has been broken. Developing compassion for and patience with oneself can be difficult, but useful.

[btsrecfics]

jhope-centric works: platonic

if a link doesn’t work, please send me a message!

- I don’t need your hate (part of They’re human too series) by CitizenoftheWorld; 3k status: complete #KickJhopeOutBTS is trending “You haven’t been smiling a lot lately,” was the reasoning PR came up with upon seeing the hashtag trending, “You should smile more. That may help. But whatever any of you do, do not address this directly.” [As Bangtan grows people start to love Hoseok more, but Hoseok has always been a hard worker]

- When The World Is Just too Much by soulmetalfairy; 364k status: complete Jung Hoseok always has his ups and down's, sometimes good, sometimes bad. When they are bad, they are unbearable days, days that he can barely function. Be it anxiety, or depression, or neither of the two, the other members will always be there for him. (The many times that Bangtan have been there for Hoseok when he needed them the most.) (Each chapter can stand alone.)

- Underwater by Talking_Cabbage; 47k status: complete Everything about Hoseok’s life defied statistics. He auditioned and somehow made it into BTS. Somehow, BTS became one of the most famous music acts in the world, breaking all kinds of records. Somehow, he suffered from a medical condition less than one in 10,000 people get a year. or Hoseok suffers from a brain injury that leaves him with debilitating side effects and a daunting recovery process. (I haven’t finished it because injuries like that ruin me emotionally and I can’t do this to myself)

- The Chaos of Control by smolkook; 11k status: complete It hurt. Of course it hurt, he’d just trapped his hand in a drawer. Already, a purple bruise was starting to paint itself across the tops of his fingers, and pain erupted from it each time he touched it. But tinting this pain was a relief so sweet that the boy found himself subconsciously rubbing his thumb across the injury throughout the course of the day, because it served as a reminder that he’d definitely checked the drawer that morning, and so he was safe to dismiss any anxiety that popped up about it. Hoseok wasn’t sure what he should have been more terrified of: the fact he’d just injured himself on purpose, or the fact that, knowing it had brought him relief from the urge to perform his ritual, he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. (triggering warnings, read tags! - also, haven’t read yet)

- If I don’t make it by Courtkpop123; 19k status: complete Hoseok becomes sick but ignores it, it eventually turns more serious than he could have imagined. -requested by Imogen This is in no means medically accurate. I will not be including family as I want to focus mainly on the boys. I’ve tried my best so please enjoy :) (haven’t read it, the theme is not a fave of mine:/)

- Under the waves, and the earth of an age by sugarboms898; 3k status: complete His heart is breaking in his chest, but he can’t move–can’t let them see. It was bad enough they heard him, but if they see what he is, he can never come back. Hoseok sucks in a sharp breath as the door to his room creaks on its hinges, Jimin’s tear-stained face peeking through the gap.

- above the water, we become swans (part of Don’t forget that I found you anyways [Fantasy AU] series) by silhouettedsilver; 8k status: complete [Six times Hoseok takes care of his new pack, and one time they take care of him in return.] Being in Bangtan is odd but also familiar. Due to that nature of packs, he’s spent his whole life around passionate people pushing for goals and dreams. The difference is those dreams have never truly aligned with his. He’d been in a pack primarily of teachers and caregivers, and so the closest he got to his own dream was one of his noonas studying music therapy. So it’s odd, because he’s been used to dancing and sweating and breathing heavily, but that had always been alone. There may have been other people with him when he practiced, but those were strangers or acquaintances. Never true friends, never people who bordered on family. So it’s strange, but a good kind of strange. A kind of strange he wants to grab and protect and hold close until it’s not just a part of his life that is strange, but his strange life.

- it’s such a hopeless world without you by raesjoonie; 1k status: complete Hoseok first solo trip to LA to shoot for a music video gets a bit lonely.

- EmpatHobi Drabbles by shenannagtions; 7k status: incomplete It was something he had known about himself for ages, but perhaps not fully considered it in the context of his chosen path in life. Hoseok was an empath - or an emotional sponge as he liked to call himself. He had a high tendency to many things related to his empathy but, most prominently, he would feel the emotions and intentions of people around him. Sometimes, it was great. When he had first met the boys that would be his bandmates, he could immediately sense a tentative excitement in them all. When he had met the CEO of the still small Bighit Entertainment, he had known the man would treat them well. In the early days of rooming together, he was able to immediately step into a peacekeeping and emotional support role. He truly loved that side of things. But then, like anything, there were bad sides as well.

[theselfcaresocialworker]

Note 2: What is the mythical unicorn called “self-care”?

Hello again lovely!

Let’s expand more on what “self-care” is. For me, it is both simple and complex with two basic layers to it. One obvious layer is internal/personal, it focuses on how we treat ourselves and the other layer is how we allow other to treat us, what we allow into our lives, how we allow the world to treat us.

I think that it, at its core, that “self-care” is the fundamental notion, the expectation that you are worthy of and deserve being cared for and that you must do it for yourself first. This is wide and general and applies to all areas of our lives but on the internal/personal level, this means that you must be your own caregiver. This means parenting yourself and saying, “Sara. We have food at home.” “Sara. You need to eat those vegetables (not in a shaming way but because I genuinely do feel better when I eat mostly vegetarian).” “Sara. You have been stressed and your body hurts. Take 15 minutes and do yoga.”

Good self-care is holding yourself accountable to your own care first.

On another level, self-care is also about caring about ourselves in such a way that you structure your life as a whole according to, “our own best interest to fulfill some sort of present and future need, independent of what other people think is best for us, and relies on our own inner wisdom and inner knowledge,” (from a previous post, Note 1). This level of self-care is about deciding what relationship, situations, and environments we put ourselves in. If we are in a toxic relationship, environment or situation, there is no amount of internal/personal self-care that will change the toxicity we are exposed to and acting on that fact is paramount. It is an act of self-care to make decisions about our lives, to advocate for a life we don’t need a vacation from.

In addition to these two levels there are two other areas to consider, short and long term. I feel like there is a lot of consideration on short term solutions that help us take care of ourselves. Some examples include bath bomb, treating ourselves, vacations, retail therapy, venting, substance use. I think as a society we are focusing more on self-care which is awesome, but it is often more about short term band-aids. I am not saying that these things are unimportant, they can be so helpful and a great tool. I am also saying that focusing on what we need in the long term and structuring our lives according to basic principles is also vastly important. Long term self-care ideas may include saving money to make a big purchase that will provide more opportunities later, ending a relationship because you want different paths, making a career change because you don’t see yourself in that field anymore, switching to a plant based diet.

               Now you will ask, “Ok Sara, now what?” Good question. Now that we have more of an idea of what self-care means generally, we can start talking more about what to do. In my opinion, in order to “do self-care” one must be able to hear and listen to themselves, and then act on what you hear in a way that is in your own best interest on both internal and external levels keeping in mind your short and long term needs.

               It took me a while to figure this out and it was only when I was forced to look at my life and think about what I wanted that I started thinking about my short and long term needs and how they fit )and didn’t fit) together. I would suggest taking some time and thinking about what YOU really want in your future. Get as specific as you can about that, create a loose timeline. Work backwards until where you are now and figure out concrete steps. This will give you some general goals and help to begin figuring out more guidelines to begin following for your life now.

               The biggest and first hurdle (for me at least) is being able to listen to ourselves in an objective way. Really hearing what our bodies, our minds, our hearts are saying is difficult and can take some time to learn. This is a fundamental skill that helps in all realms of self-care.

Example 1:

The other day, (let’s be honest this happens most days) I got done with work and moved 6 feet to the couch and laid down. I felt pressure in my chest, it was tight and heavy, the knots in my back were stabbing, my neck was tight, I felt antsy, cranky, like crying (hurdle one cleared,  I heard what my body was saying). My first thought was, “I need a drink, or a cigarette, maybe a little weed.” But then I realized I would be self-medicating (this was profound for me to have noticed this in the moment) and I was using those things as a way to ease physical and emotional symptoms instead of practicing moving through them on my own (the healthy long term solution to the challenge). So, I laid on my back on the couch, with the swamp cooler blowing on me, closed my eyes and put my hands on my belly. I took deep breaths and focused on my body with as little judgment as I could muster. How did it feel, where did it feel, what emotions were tied to the physical sensations? I kept going in and out of this internal focus, but when I noticed I had left I brought my attention back to my breath, back to my body, back to the physical sensation and the emotion and breathed into it, letting it move, ebb and flow. Slowly through 10 minutes the tensions and pains lessened significantly. I wasn’t as cranky or short or irritated, my body hurt less.

               This is an example of being mindful and present in a moment of discomfort, and for me this was a big shift. I knew I had a number choices in the moment, but I stopped and thought about what path I want to be on. Choosing the path that I did, was in the moment, the best “good self-care” option for myself at the time.  

               Example 2 Regarding day to day decisions that follow general long-term guidelines:

               Something I know I want in the future is a family and a house. This is a long way off but I know I want it in the next 5 years. I know I am not close to that and one thing I will need for that to happen is to have some money saved up. Something I do now, day to day, to help myself work towards that goal is being mindful of my spending. Previously, I would spend my money eating out, buying useless items etc to make me feel better in the short term (yes I still do this…). In a moment when I am looking at things lets say online, I have to pause and think about if it is something I really need or actually want. Practicing this self-control is immensely difficult especially during times when I am upset, hopeless or helpless. It helps to have reminders for myself of what it is I am working towards and what I want. I ask myself the question, “Would this money be better spent on my future?” Usually it is. Sometimes I actually need or really want something, and it would contribute to my quality of life now so much that it would benefit me and my over-all self-care. It depends.  

…

               I have also learned recently that sometimes your self-care needs will change day to day, but in general it is important to follow a guiding outline of what you know you need (see above). Even when you have a pretty good idea of what you generally need, this doesn't mean you will always follow that day to day; sometimes one thing out weighs something else and sometimes you don’t have the motivation to do the thing you know you should do. It is ok for your choices to change day to day.

               Example:

“The other day”, I was driving home after meeting with a friend at a park (2 self-care activities, seeing a person and being outside!). I had to figure out what I was going to eat for dinner. I have been on a vegetarian “diet” kick so I knew that eating something on the healthy side was good for my overall self-care guidelines. On the other hand, I was tired, and didn’t want to cook anything, plus I knew I didn’t have a lot of good choices at home, and my soul wanted something “not healthy”. I had to weigh all of this and make a good choice based on all of these things at one time. My self-caring choice was to get McDonalds. I made this decision since I had gone for a walk, already eaten well that day, was tired and my soul needed something not healthy. I honored what I needed in that moment, while also keeping all the information in mind. An example of something that would have been harmful for me would have been to not listen to myself and my needs in the moment and maintain a rigid sense of duty to self-care and go home and force myself to eat something I didn’t want to eat just for the sake of being “healthy”.

Making “good choices” day to day is difficult and it is where the bulk of caring for ourselves takes place. It is in the small decisions, how we respond to ourselves, our Yes’s and our No’s. This is why caring for ourselves can be so fucking difficult, it’s an all day everyday gig and it is exhausting. It is also super worth it (I hear).

Exploration activity:

1.       Look back at the last week or two. During that time, when were times you were at your best? What was happening that day, who were you around, what were you doing, where was your attention? Take note of those things and try an experiment, do those things again on purpose and see how you feel. Keep track of the things that sooth you, energize you, bring joy, bring comfort.

2.       What are signs that your body or mind shows you that let you know you need something? What is the sign telling you?

[justjessame]

The Deal Chapter 24

I know that Dad and some of the others aren’t as trusting of our new home as I’m pretending to be. I hear them whispering. I see their side eyes. I’m still doing my job. I’m taking care of Judith. And I’m sure Daryl is around, somewhere, and he’ll find me eventually.

Dad and the others want to walk around the community and check it out, but I beg off. I can feel their eyes on me, but I can’t care. Not really. The shower helped me feel something, but not enough, not really. And I don’t want to keep my mask in place. At least give me a break, I think, a minute where I can stare at the wall and just not.

Carl takes Judith and I lay back on the bed in my new room. Alone, I think, but then my door opens and Daryl steps inside. He’s still wearing the clothes we arrived in. He’s still sweaty and dirty. And there’s a part of me, deep inside, that sounds suspiciously like the old me. The one from before, that wanted to shoo him out. Tell him to take a shower and change his clothes before he ruined my new bedding. She’s inside of me, though, and doesn’t break through.

I think I must smile when he sits beside me. I must have, because he pulls me into his side and kisses my forehead and for a moment I remember how I feel for him. That I love him. That this type of casual touching and intimacy is normal for us. I know it’s there, and I can almost grab hold of it, but it flits away and I still feel empty.

Everyone has a job away from or for the community. Everyone except me. Deanna tells me simply that my job remains what it always was, caregiver for Judith. And I accept it. The role I’d taken on when Lori died. One that I don’t have to even think about doing. I just do. And I think that even Judith is fooled. That she doesn’t see that the games and stories are just an act. That I love her, and that I know, but I’m not here. Not really.

Dad’s the new peace officer. Michonne is his second. Daryl is resistant. Glenn, Tara, and Noah are supply runners. Carol is the community cook. And I’m me. Or I look like me, I must because no one pays attention or mentions any differences. So I slip back into my own little part of nowhere, and I go about the motions of life.

Deanna visits to lay out more information about the new roles and jobs everyone has been given. Dad’s role as security. Maggie’s position as Deanna’s assistant. A new government, here in this tiny unprepared community. And that there’s a welcome party tonight to welcome us all.

I don’t want to. I don’t want to mingle. I don’t want to pretend. I want to simply be. And I can see that Dad’s going to insist. And I’m going to agree.

It’s a party. And it’s just as I feared. My mask is firmly in place. Judith is in my arms, and I have to go through the motions of being grateful and hospitable. I have to smile and play the perfect older daughter to the new head of security. I have to stay aware, say the right things, play the role that I’ve been given. Seeing the smiling faces, the nods, I know I’ve succeeded.

Later, as I put Judith to bed in her crib and then tuck myself in my own bed, I wonder if Daryl was there. Was he at the party? Had he mingled too? Had he worn his own mask? And would he come to bed and sleep beside me tonight? He hadn’t the night before. He said he wanted to keep watch. He said he was too tense. He said so many things. What didn’t he say?

A run for parts to keep the lights on. And another loss. One for us, and one for them. That’s how to tally it now. The losses. Us vs Them.

Noah, the one who’d been with us the shortest time. The boy that replaced Beth, in a way. Gone.

It’s clear, as I rock Judith in the living room as Glenn recounts how Noah died, that these people are not prepared for the reality of this new world. Dad seethes. Not simply at the loss, but at the entitlement of thinking they know best, when clearly they don’t. Glenn wants to teach them. I’m not sure we’ll be allowed.

The next time I’m around for a confrontation, I witness Dad brawling with the community doctor. It reminds me of a school yard brawl, the crowd, the noise and then the good doctor strikes and hits his wife. What’s her name? Jessie. God, I had to think about it, and it’s my fucking name. I shake myself free of the stupor I prefer. In time to see Dad show the crazy side of him that he’d buried. And then Michonne, thankfully, knocks him out before we all get thrown back to the wolves.

Dad’s got some explaining to do. Or actually, a trial of sorts. Deanna is planning on passing judgement. On him and his actions alone. I’m sitting at his bedside, listening as Carol advises him of what to do, how to answer, and I find myself smiling sincerely. She’s done what I did. Say what they want to hear. Give them a bedtime story fit for Judith, and then put on your mask.

I see Dad’s focus shift to me and for the first time in a while, I feel like he actually sees me. When the others leave, he takes my hand to stop me from going. I sit back down and meet his eyes.

“You’re different.” He says. Not a question, but still a revelation.

I shrug, ready to make a joke about my new wardrobe, but I stop. He’s trying. “Aren’t we all?” I offer instead. The truth, but not too revealing. His blue eyes are squinting at me. “Not you, not-” He sighs, hand holds my hand. “Jessi? You’d tell me if you, if you needed help wouldn’t you?”

I nod. Sure. If it were killing a walker breathing down my back, I’d yell up a storm. “Sure.” I’m ready to try to leave again, but his grip on my hand tightens.

“I mean HELP, Jessi. Real help.” And I know that he’s seen more than I guessed. That the mask had slipped too far.

I sit back in my chair and smile. “What kind of help would I possibly need, Dad?”

And he stares at me. At the way I sit. At the way I’m dressed. And then, he refocuses on my face. My eyes. And I can see him taking stock. “Why didn’t I see it?” It isn’t a question for me. And I don’t answer it. “God, I failed you.”

That’s enough. “I don’t know what you mean, Dad. You’ve been the best dad a girl could ask for.” And I finally stand, pull my hand from his, and kiss him on the forehead. Enough show and tell, I think, and I give him one more glimpse, if only to keep him here with us in Alexandria. “Listen to what Carol said, Dad, give them the story that a child would like to hear. It works.” And waving a goodbye, I walked out.

Dad comes home later. I hear him greeting Carl downstairs, but I stay in my room, playing with Judith. Carol comes to my room, the day winding down, and tells me that I have to attend the meeting. I nod with a smile and she gives me a look that makes me wonder if I’d lost my mask totally.

I’m with Carol, Maggie, Abraham and Eugene at the place where the meeting is supposed to happen. Maggie’s asking for a delay until Glenn and Dad show up, but our new leader insists on going forward without them. The charges, the excuses, Michonne’s attempts to fix it. Carol takes a turn. Abraham gives his try to explain Dad and the world beyond the gate. Maggie’s turn comes, and hearing her talk about Hershel makes my heart clench. Everyone focuses on me, his daughter, when it finally happens.

Dad, coated in blood, carrying a walker corpse walks up and throws it down in front of them. And I hear his speech. I hear the conviction in his words as he explains the reality of our world. Of the danger. And of his absolute belief that he can teach them to survive. And I feel parts of me come back, not nearly all of them, not nearly enough, but some.

And then, the good doctor arrives drunk and kills Deanna’s husband with Michonne’s katana. As Reg, her husband bleeds out, she finally gets it. She understands, and with a nod, Dad finishes it. Pete’s dead. Reg’s dead.

And Daryl is back, although I’m not sure I knew he was gone. And another man has arrived. The elusive Morgan. The man who had saved Dad at the very end of before, and who had given up all of his weapons and ammo to us. And I can feel myself thawing a bit more.

[screen-slashers]

Hi, this is Dark-and-Night! I came across your blog while cruising tumblr and remembered you liked some of my fics 😁 And I saw you write for slashers too, so I thought this might be a fun question: How do you think your headcanons for Brahms differ from mine and/or the rest of the fandom? (sorry if it's an odd question but I notice that a lot of people draw a lot of different conclusions about Brahmsy 😅 )

Hi!! Ahh thank you so much!! Your writing is so lovely! 

So I’m weird to where I remember what I see, but also don’t... So I’m going to explain my personal headcanons for Brahms that aren’t influenced by others and hopefully that’ll be okay? I change around my headcanons for him to better fit prompts and I have different ‘versions’ of Brahms but this one is my headcanons for the most Canon Brahms in my eyes.

Sweetie’s Headcanons for Brahms!

- First and foremost, many people see Brahms as really impatient and horny, but personally? He was all good and well with the idea of living through the doll for quite a while, as you can see in the movie. He has a whole set up in the walls and it personally reminded me of a bomb shelter or something. Everything he needed was there. It looked like he was planning to stay in the walls, unknown for a while. The only thing that stopped him was Greta’s ex coming in and attacking Greta, and then an attachment to himself. 

- To the horny thing: Yes I do think that yeah, he’s probably really starved for affection, including sexually, but the fact that he is living vicariously through a doll of him when he was eight. When he speaks, almost every line is spoken in a child’s voice. When Greta is putting him to bed. He stands there, hands behind his back, obedient. His body language screams that this is a child in that moment. I’m definitely not saying he’s not craving sexual attention- see the Greta body pillow and the goodnight kiss- But it’s not the first thing on his mind.

- I don’t know if this is obvious or not, but there is no way Brahms doesn’t age regress. The only reason I’m putting this out there is, while people call him a ‘man-child’ or things like that, I personally have yet to see anyone say specifically that he age regresses. Again, the way he acts during the ‘bedtime scene’, I personally didn’t see an adult. That was a child in the room with Greta. Him making that sandwich for her. I don’t know about y’all but 👀.. The whole reason Greta was there in the first place was literally finding a caregiver for Brahms!!!! I personally think that Brahms is mentally regressed a majority of the time (also I’ve yet to see it for myself but) apparently in the fridge in one of the scenes there’s a sippy cup.. Even if people try to say that it was to try to further fool Greta, he was eight when he ‘died’ and last time I checked eight year olds aren’t drinking out of sippy cups still.

Now for some of the less ‘canon’ headcanons ;w; sorry y’all I get passionate..

- After his parents kill themselves, Brahms is really torn up.. He doesn’t understand why they would leave at first, and he’s really upset. But when he realizes that it was because of him, he loses it. After that he’s a lot more anxious and tries to be more self aware. He’s killed more than enough people. But knowing that his own parents would rather die than deal with him any more? It hurts more than you could ever know.

- He has anger issues and throws a lot of tantums, but afterwards he feels really bad about it. After his parents’ death, he throws a lot more tantrums, but feels even worse about them afterwards. This boy needs some therapy big time.. ;m;

I hope you found this decent ahh ;w; I would make it longer but it’s currently 3 AM whoops!

[lgalacticjayl]

Homestuck review pt.2 Beta kids

Spolier warning! And i am not finished the series yet so these are inital thoughts stream of consciousness style and just my opinion .

Lets talk about the beta kids!

First off they are portrayed pretty well in the fandom in my opinion. As being kids that kinda just got dragged into this but each taking it very differently. I Love the similarites between them with very wild realtionships with their caregivers is portrayed right off the bat but they are kids so their veiws of their caregivers are probably very different to how they actually act. As John later realizes his dad does have clowns to mock him but to try and make him feel seen.

Speaking of lets talk about John. As he is a kinda stereotypical main charcter kinda feel sometimes he definitely grows and you can see his personality in the things he is passionate about. His movies of course and his love for his friends. He really does subconscious pull the team together almost but really all of them somehow just work really well as a team anyways. John just seems like a very optimistic person and is very willing to accept most things even if he doesn't fully understand, seen in his alternate timeline where he died fighting the denizen and vriska shows him around. He is very ready to treat everyone as a friend no matter what they do. Vriska literally got him killed and he was still understanding that thats what had to happen. He just seems pretty calm in new situations but has his moments of just being a kid and goofy off, creating his pogo hammer, but can get pretty serious when it needs to be, when he wakes up on his sinking bed in the oil ocean was probably the closest he's come to like freaking out completely. He gets done what needs to get done and I respect him alot for that. His is very trusting which I personally don't love the trust he puts in Vriska as her motives are pretty self serving in the beginning. Him and Dave are fun to see interact cuz they've been friends forever and just goof around and make fun of each other but there is still a lot of respect. I do love his sibling relationship with Jade a lot. I just love good sibling representation thats not just fighting iver stupid stuff all the time cuz it reminds me of me and my sister's relationship. Conclusion John is a good boy doing his best.

Speking of Jade lets move on to her. Lovely gal at first I related to her cuz she just kept taking naps as i also can fall alseep literally anywhere. I fell alseep during a final last year for like a ten minute nap then just kept doing the test. I did actually cosplay jade as my first homestuck cosplay but only cuz I already had everything I needed. Anyway jade is a very sweet girl and I see her as very unafraid and willing to do anything almost like john, which is kinda why their dynamic works so well. The best jade moment so far is when she took off all her reminders cuz she felt she was no longer the one who knows all in the group and starts to actually share her feelings. Her yelling at Karkat is so good and like yess Jade! I love the stuffed octopi and would love to try and make them as well. Also her kinda being a furry is very fun. She comes off as very whimsical as she basically knows everything that will and did happen because she's the first to awaken in her dream but later as she doesn't know everything she seems like she's just trying her best to fully grasp this because she realizes that her dreams aren't just silly things but are very important. She also basically raised herself and fends for herself which i very strong and smart for a 13 year old and she kinda has to learn on her own. I also just love the frog aspect of the game and as a space player myself would love to breed frogs.

Now Rose another very powerful character like Jade but still very different. She seems to just soak in knowledge like a human sponge as many people do with things they are interested it. From the beginning Rose has wanted to know everything about this game and diverts in her original plan just to study more. She goes to being the most knowledgeable almost the opposite of Jade and kinda controls some major things from behind the scenes. Like John accidentally picking hammerkind her combining probably her 2 favorite items to make the grimdark needles has significant effect on the story. Her demeanor doesn't seem to change as she is still elegant and not too emotional in her speech but you can tell she got her self into some deep dark stuff like most teens getting into their emo phase but this has a huge impact on ending the game and potentially saving everyone. She feels she is the only one capable to complete the mission and tricks Dave so she can sacrifice herself something a young teen should not have to consider. She also tries to fight Jack at some point even tho she knows he will win. She is very thoughtful and planned out in every situation and I love that.

Now on to some of y'alls favorite Dave. I know a lot of gay/transmac people really conect with dave and as transmac myself i can see why but its hard to explain. Even tho he isn't said to be gay or trans his experience can be tied to a lot of things. He is very stoic all the time and I think he's been conditioned into not showing emotions cuz of Bro and he looks up to Bro as his only family figure. Like he does tey to seem cool with rapping and swords and while he succeeds and i think he does truly enjoy them he also sees them as his only way to be cool. Like for art for me I do enjoy it but I understand that there is also a level of attention i do want from it. Sorry this got a bit personal im realizing im relating to these characters too much. Anyway Dave does seek out reason for his actions and doesn't just intuitively follow them. He is actually smart even tho he has like a dumb boy persona going on but like he has to keep up with all these timelines. He also has a truly terrible moral dilemma when terezi makes him kill him and thats not something ordinary teens should have to go through. That and his grieving period when he finds bro dead are the rare times that he shows his emotions, through actions rather than words. And they are powerful moments. Hes not some emotionless cool guy hes a human child.He also has to literally mentor himself at somepoint and spends the most time in the game through time travel.

This event is traumatic for all of them in very different and similar ways and they all grow and learn so much its way more than I did at 13, It's powerful.

I will probably do the trolls next and some more characters then I would love to get into my thoughts on some specific events