#I hope I haven't contradicted anything

[polkadot358]

I made some sprites and boss battle animations heavily based on the content made for the john loves you au by @zzoupz and @salmonandsoup . Big props to them for creating and expanding this au along with every other contributor who helped get my creative juices flowing! 

I have tagged it but just in case !!FLASHING LIGHTS!! for the gif below

Details, ideas and ramblings on the sprites are below the read more!(I am warning you that it is long and that this is my first time posting)

All sprites are facing to the right and are supposed to be the walking downwards sprites.

John: 

For John and Gary I just swapped around their bodies and kept their arms so that their silhouettes would be the same (or at least similar) to the ones in the Faith game. This made them a lot easier to design alongside the fact Zoup gave them distinguishable features (thank you!). The first sprite is John cloaked, second is uncloaked and third is his ‘action move’ like the one in game when he holds up his cross. 

For his phase 1 transformation I like to think this is when Gary and Amy are properly kicking his ass and Buer does not like that so John starts to fervently pray to his “angels” to save him. They do but start to transform John as they feed off his fear of failing his “God” and of being killed by Gary and Amy. As the protagonists deal with the “angels” John escapes (to mirror canon!Gary’s fight and highlight John’s cowardice) and prays in his private sanctuary where he can directly speak to “God”. 

Amy and Gary catch up, leading to John’s phase 2 transformation where Buer has had enough and directly possesses John at the peak of his terror, fully transforming him. You may notice in this transformation that John’s blood forms a cross, I did this because of  ~symbolism~. The flashing yellow references when canon!John first received the golden cross from Father Allred in the Martin house when his faith was strongest. For swap!John he is literally being given the cross directly into his chest and his faith is also at its strongest, although it’s out of pure blind faith to his “God” from fear rather than it being a conscious decision. It’s kinda mocking the canon flashing but its use still means “John” is becoming stronger. Also, the reason the antlers move is cuz I read an interview with Airdorf where he said he liked to keep his demons abstract to allow the human mind to make it horrifying. I know he was referring to the shapes of the demons but I took it and made the antlers move to allow people to think “oh, are those antlers or bloody hands?” Clever, maybe, I dunno.

Gary:

I’ll repeat what I said above but I just swapped John and Gary’s bodies and kept the arms the same. I made Gary look like he was wearing a cassock, gave him his hat and cane and voila, it’s his first sprite. His second sprite is his ‘action move’ where he whips out his bible and leans on his cane. salmonandsoup said how the AU would be a two player game, I could see this being done by giving Gary and Amy individual strengths and weaknesses. Gary would be a slow mover but would be the only one able to fully kill demons with his biblical knowledge. Amy would be speedy and could hold items but would only be able to stun or ward away demons.

Amy:

Humans in the Faith game all have that stick figure look outside of Garcia and Allred who get to be a bit knobbly. This is why Amy has a pretty basic look but I gave her some knobbly-ness in her arms as reference to her canon design and attempted to give her some shoulder length hair, this is her first sprite. Her second and third sprites give light to the idea I talked about in Gary’s section where she would be the item keeper. These aren’t her ‘action moves’ though cuz I imagine her swinging the crowbar around and maybe lifting the lamp higher.

Lisa:

The first sprite is based off of canon!Amy and canon!Lisa designs. I gave her that hanging hair that canon!Amy has and used canon!Lisa’s skinny and less connected arms to inform the rest of her limbs to make her more demonic looking. For the second sprite I made it closer to Zoup’s design for Lisa, giving her more wild hair and clawed hands.

Miriam: Another original look, I wasn’t too sure if she was a nun in this AU but gave her the mask that salmonandsoup mentioned based off of her face in her canon design. I decided to give her a nice grandmotherly silhouette, making her shorter than her canon sprite, giving her a bun and a nice dress to tie it together. Overall, just a sweet old lady with good posture. 

Garcia:

The least inspired of the bunch. I just took the hooded design of canon!Gary and slapped Garcia’s arms on there. I gave him his canon colouring even though the cloak should be blue because his grey head did not mix well with the blue clothing in his second sprite. Sorry, Garcia, at least he looks kinda like the grim reaper.

Last thing, I promise! I thought about the themes that the swap AU game could explore that would contrast those made in the OG Faith game. The AU game could explore how limiting faith that is too extreme can be or how faith can become twisted compared to the originals message that through strong and pure faith anything can be overcome. These are ideas that salmonandsoup and vendettapandav have talked about I just think they deserve to be key themes.

[ananke-xiii]

S9E1 Castiel being freshly human, not understanding a thing of what's going on, fully aware that a.lot. of angels would very much like to kill him just.because meets a random angel on the street (Hael) and he's like: LET'S GO SEE THE GRAND CANYON TOGETHER, WOO-HOOO!

[avirael]

Rain of Fire

As Rael looked up to the sky they strongly hoped that they hadn’t made a grave mistake. The red moon above had grown closer so fast and whatever the Garleans plan was, it was going to happen soon.

The first time Rael had noticed that something was wrong with Dalamud, they had been at the Thavnairian coast near the village of Yedlihmad. Suddenly the wind had freshened up and carried ominous whispers with it. Rael had looked up to the clear night sky filled with glistening stars and observed the twin moons. They tilted their head and wondered if the lesser moon shone redder than usual.

The next morning Rael had decided to return to Radz-at-Han as fast as possible because the feeling that something was wrong hadn’t left them the whole night and had followed them into their sleep with visions of fire-red Dalamud closer than seemed possible by it’s very nature.

The trip back to the city took longer than Rael had hoped and by the time they arrived the smaller moon had undeniably grown bigger or rather closer than it had been a few days ago. Immediately the Viera tried to gather as many information as possible and asked around for news they might have missed while they were out in the wilderness.

After another few days a terrible rumour reached Rael in hushed voices. It was said that the Garlean empire somehow found a way to use their Magitek technology to manipulate Dalamud and now planned to use it as a weapon of mass destruction by making it crash into Aldenard like a giant meteor. It sounded almost to crazy to believe but the way it made the Viera‘s skin crawl let them suspect that there at least was some truth to it.

Rael wondered what they should do next. Knowing things and drawing the right conclusions wasn’t the same thing, a lesson they had learned rather quickly after first being trained to harness their powers. What would happen if the Garleans succeeded with their mad plan? How far would the destruction of such an impact reach? Possibly not as far as Thavnair or Dalmasca, because that would mean that it would hit Garlemald too, and Rael doubted that they were crazy enough to destroy their own territory. But even if the destruction would be limited to Aldenard it would still have catastrophic consequences not only for the people there but also for the aetherial balance of the whole world.

Rael didn’t doubt for a second that they needed to do something about this but the question was how? The Thavnairians seemed reluctant to do anything about the situation. After all they were not only a comparably small nation but also had a non-interference treaty with the Garlean Empire.

But what was Rael supposed to do on their own? Where should they go? For days they tried to find the right answer or at least a hint at it, listening to the voices of the wind, the sound of the waves and rustling of the leaves but to their frustration their gift rarely showed itself when they needed it the most.

Think, think!, they told themself over and over again and went through as many scenarios as they could imagine. Going to Garlemald seemed senseless. Not only would it be far too dangerous but Rael was only one person. There was no way they could sabotage the Empire‘s plans all on their own. But who would have an interest in helping them other than the designated victims of the Garleans plan? Would there still be enough time to go to Aldenard? And would Rael be able to help them at all? Rael didn’t know any of that but at least they had to try. They had already wasted enough time and with every minute they hesitated the catastrophe got more and more inevitable…

Luckily Thavnair had lots of trade relations to all corners of Eorzea, including Aldenard, so it didn’t take Rael very long to find a merchant who was willing to risk a journey there and would allow the Viera to travel with them in exchange for their help. So Rael spent the rest of that day carrying boxes and bags with all kinds of local goods onto the merchants ship before it set sails early the next morning.

As they left Thavnair towards the west Rael stood at the stern of the ship and watched the land grow smaller and smaller for a while, listening to any kind of sign to prove their decision right. When Thavnair had vanished at the horizon Rael turned around looking forward instead. So they were really going to Aldenard. Further from their home than Rael had ever been.

After leaving the Golmore Jungle Rael had first turned to the north, traveling through Nagxia up towards the Azim Steppe. Then they had turned to Yanxia always careful not to catch the attention of the Empire. From there a merchant had taken Rael to Kugane. They had hoped to travel the various islands of Hingashi but were denied to leave the city, so after only a short time they instead decided to take yet another ship to Thavnair, where they had spent the last few months. And now they were headed towards Aldenard, Vylbrand to be more precise.

Rael had never imagined that their journey would lead them this far to the west, since they had always suspected the threat they saw in their vision was one closer to their homeland. But a meteor crashing down to earth probably proved that hypothesis wrong.

The way from Thavnair to Aldenard wasn’t a short one, even on sea. Only Rael’s journey from Kugane around the southern coastline of Othard to Thavnair had been longer. And all this time the red moon in the sky had grown closer and more threatening. Proportionally to the size of Dalamud the nervousness of the crew and it’s captain also grew.

The man had probably estimated a slower descent of the moon or a faster travel and by now he considered altering the course of the ship so they would make it to land in time, no matter where. Some suggested that it was best to head back to towards Cape Mete which they had passed a few days ago but the captain explained that they wouldn’t make it back there in time. There was no way to tell what would happen if the consequences of Dalamud’s fall would catch them on the open sea. So they kept heading west hoping to make it to one of the islands on the eastern shore of Aldenard and praying that there would be enough distance between them and Carteneau, the estimated area of impact on the western shore of Aldenard.

Rael cursed themself for being stuck on this ship, for not being fast enough, for not having known better than to try this hopeless journey in the first place. But what should they have done instead? Why was it so difficult to hear the voice of the forest recently? Had they strayed to far from home? But didn’t the Oracle intend for Rael to go out into the world? Didn’t they say that it would be the only way to save their home? Then why would the forest haunt Rael with visions of doom and then leave them clueless to fend for themself out here? Where did they go wrong?

No!, Rael desperately tried to silence the turmoil in their thoughts. There had to be something they still could do, there had to be a reason for all of this. The signs had been there and Rael had not entirely misread them for sure. They breathed in and out, slowly and deeply, sat down, closed their eyes and listened, carefully and concentrated for hours. But to their terror they found that there was nothing but the sound of the waves crashing against the hull of the ship and a storm growing closer in the dark clouds above.

"Land!", a man suddenly yelled down from the crow’s nest. "Land in sight!"

Quickly Rael jumped up and ran to the bow of the ship observing the horizon and indeed after a moment a landmass started to appear, dark against the evening sky filled with thunder clouds dimly illuminated by Dalamud’s ominous red and orange glow. A few of the sailors cheered with relief and for a second Rael almost regained hope. Almost.

Then the rumbling of distant thunder grew louder and along with it something else reached Rael’s ears and send a shudder through the Viera’s body. A faint distorted voice, strangely different from any they had ever heard before whispering in the wind. The voice was almost unintelligible and sounded far far away but at the same time it felt so much more intense than anything Rael’s gift had shown them since a long time. They didn’t understand what the meaning of this strange voice was but it was unmistakably important. Rael pressed their eyes shut and tried to listen more precisely. They understood bits and pieces but the meaning behind the words still remained mysterious to them.

Suddenly a loud crash made Rael open their eyes again and turn their gaze to the sky where Dalamud had almost reached it’s destination. Something was happening. Glowing blue lines spread across the moon’s surface like cracks but the pattern was way too geometric to be a coincidence. Nonetheless the moon seemed to break, it’s shards ablaze flying in all directions and crashing to the ground with fiery tails.

Once again Rael shuddered and their skin started to crawl. The eery voice faded to the background as dizziness took over and made them stumble to the floorboards, their vision starting to blur. For a moment everything went silent and black, then the rumbling thunder seemed louder than before and Rael could feel the heat of fire on their skin.

In front of their eyes a city appeared, built on a rocky island with a myriad of piers and wooden walkways connecting the different buildings. Fire rained down on it, crushing bridges and buildings were it hit land and making the water boil and rise were it hit the ocean, causing waves to swallow the lowest areas of town.

Then Rael’s vision blurred again and turned this way and that before coming into focus again. This time Rael looked down like a bird onto a big round city with lots of towers and domes and an enormous palace in its centre. Here the burning shards of Dalamud also crashed down and made thick stone walls burst like glass. Rael also felt like they could hear the panicked screams of the townsfolk fearing for their lifes in the distance.

Then another shift and this time it made Rael’s stomach turn. Below them a dense green forest stretched out pulsing with life, giant trees as old as time with all kinds of animals searching for shelter below their foliage. Then fire started to rain down on it, ripping gaping dark holes into the green and setting the forest around ablaze.

Just like their vision back at the Sanctuary in the Golmore Jungle. Had they been too late to prevent it? Had they failed? Was everything going to be destroyed now?

Rael started to scream. But the terrified shriek they heard didn’t sound like their own voice at all.

Maybe it was that scream that brought Rael back to reality or maybe it was the swaying of the ship or the person shaking them and trying to pull them to their feet.

"No!", Rael yelled and struggled, stretching a hand out to… to what exactly?

"You should go inside unless you want to go overboard!", the friendly voice of the merchant yelled loudly beside them. "Like this we are never going to make it to any of the islands."

Finally Rael started to focus on their present situation again. The ship was being tossed around by tall waves caused by falling fragments of Dalamud that landed in the ocean before and beside them. It was a miracle none of them had hit the ship yet. That was not all however. The fiery shards were accompanied by burning bright beams of light. Confused Rael looked up to the sky and couldn’t believe what they were seeing.

"Is that a…?"

"A freaking dragon? Yes I think so!", the merchant offered. "It hatched from the goddamn moon!"

That sounded crazy. But then again it didn’t sound much more crazy than using a moon as a tool of mass destruction. The beast hurtled through the air with outstretched wings sending beams of light down to earth destroying everything in its way. It was difficult to estimate the dragons size but from this distance alone it looked enormous.

Panicked Rael turned around remembering their vision and trying to orient themself. Aldenard and the destruction lay to the west, so that meant Dalmasca had to be exactly in the the opposite direction. Relieved Rael realised that only a few of Dalamud‘s fragments reach much further east than their current position. That meant the Jungle, their home, was probably safe, at least for now.

However that wasn’t supposed to be the most urgent of Rael’s worries right now, as the sudden surge of terrified screams around them proved. Quickly the Viera followed the gaze of the men back towards the sky over Aldenard. A massive burning chunk was headed directly their way, coming closer and closer every second. With a rough jolt the ship started to groan and turn.

"Everyone! Hold on tight!", the captain yelled down from the quarter deck while pushing all of his weight onto the ship’s wheel.

The ship made a turn to the right just in time to evade the falling meteor fragment crashing into the ocean only about a dozen yalms away. The water hissed and splashed and a tall wave crashed against the side of the ship making it tilt dangerously. Hadn’t Rael clung to the railing as tightly as they had, they would have fallen and rolled across the deck like some of the others did. Luckily none of them seemed to have gone overboard as far as Rael could see.

Once they dared to loosen their grip again Rael and the merchant stumbled towards the quarter deck, where the captain tried to hold the ship steady.

"What should we do now?", the merchant asked.

"We‘re going to head north, towards Gyr Abania.", the captain answered. "We‘ll never reach the coast safely like this. We have to get away from this rain of fire."

"Gyr Abania?!", Rael protested. "But that‘s garlean territory!"

The merchant put a hand on Rael’s shoulder trying to reassure them. "I don’t like it any more than you do, but staying on our planned course would be as good as suicide. Gyr Abania is our best hope right now."

Reluctantly Rael nodded. They knew the man was right. There was no way to undo the damage of Dalamud anymore, they had been too late. But what should Rael do, now that they were in Aldenard? That was assuming they safely made it to land to begin with…

Should they just continue their journey like they had before? They could travel whatever would be left of Aldenard once the dust settled and learn what this land had to offer. The least they could do was to try and help the people recover from this catastrophe and help them to prevent whatever the Garlean Empire had planned next.

With uncertainty they looked back towards the catastrophe unraveling in the night sky. Something called them there, they could feel it, but it felt different than before. Rael couldn’t stop thinking about that strange voice that was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time and that scream that still echoed in their head and that felt like their own but at the same time sounded like a cry for help from far away.

[anniviech]

When Imposter Syndrome starts feeling more and more real... 🫠

Me: *stumbles through the new job tasks, repeatedly being corrected/critiqued after getting differing instructions, and still getting ridiculously lost in hallways 3 weeks in, feeling like I'll never properly get the hang of things and am just flailing around, stressed out of my mind and overwhelmed at times - particularly whenever shoved in at the deep end*

Colleagues from security subcontractors: You're still so new?! You're doing a better job than some of your coworkers - no offense - who've been here for months, if not years...

Shift leader from my service subcontractor: *shows me around another new task area, just one day after I ended up in a completely wrong gate direction to meet a runway shuttle bus, and had to have airport security drive up to let me into the building again after I managed to disengage a door because I failed unlocking it properly* And this info point is also manned by us - you'll likely be sitting here as well once you got the hang of things, which we're all already presuming. *nonchalant*

Higher-up from the direct airport terminal management: *approaches me* Why don't you try applying directly with us? I've been watching you, and you seem very capable - we could use more people like you. Give it a shot; but don't tell your colleagues I suggested it, okay?

--

I–... I literally had a cry in the staff room one day, because I thought I'm completely failing in even my starting task and feeling completely overwhelmed with things, already questioning if I can continue this job...?

Is my own view of my capability really that off? 🫠

[suashii]

୨♡୧ MIDNIGHT CONFESSION — suna rintaro x reader. sfw. fluff.

requested by @nagicore for my rin round up event!

there's a knock on your door, loud enough for you to hear over the movie playing on your tv. it startles you; maybe because it's so late or maybe because the sound isn't one you're used to hearing. you've grown accustomed to suna's lack of knocking in your time living with him.

"come in," you shout, hoping your voice is audible on the other side of the door. it swings open, revealing suna in his pikachu pajama pants and an old inarizaki volleyball hoodie. they don't match in the slightest but that much brings a small smile to your face.

your eyes flit up to his. "I didn't know you knew what knocking was."

he shrugs. "I didn't want to just walk in if you were sleeping."

"how considerate," you drawl, turning back to your movie. from the corner of your eye, you can see suna standing still in your doorway. "what's up?"

"can I sleep in here tonight?"

the question catches you a bit off guard. it's not that you haven't slept with suna before, but it's never been intentional. you can't count the number of times the two of you have passed out on the couch after staying up late talking about everything and nothing or falling down the rabbit hole of strange youtube videos. the thought of him purposefully wanting to sleep beside you quickens your heartbeat, makes your mind race. "why? is something wrong with your bed?"

"i spilled soy sauce on my sheets," he admits, though, he doesn't seem embarrassed by his actions. "they're in the washing machine."

you shake your head at his clumsiness. "i told you eating in your bed would make a mess."

"is that a yes?" he asks.

you chew the inside of your cheek while silently contemplating your answer. suna's motives seem innocent enough—not that you imagine he would try anything. what you are worried about is the impromptu sleepover surfacing some feelings you've been trying incredibly hard to bury.

despite your concern, you can't find it in you to turn suna away. you'll just have to be careful to keep your silly little crush from making itself known. you pull back the covers and pat your mattress. "get comfortable."

finally, suna steps out of your doorway and into your bedroom. he kicks his slippers off before sitting beside you and swinging his legs onto the bed. even with your gaze glued to the tv, the dip in the mattress—just knowing suna's so close—makes the tips of your ears burn.

his movement still after a few seconds and you hope the lack of motion will be enough for you to calm down and compose yourself. you try to focus on the film you'd been watching before he entered but without even looking you can tell suna's eyes are on you. a quick glance confirms your suspicions.

you turn to face him. "why are you staring at me?"

"i'm not," he replies so quickly that it comes off as practiced. a direct contradiction to his words, he continues to look at you.

"you're literally staring at me right now," you argue with a shaky laugh. to be the subject of his intense grayish-yellow gaze makes it nearly impossible to act normal around him. "is there something on my face?"

suna shakes his head. "you're just really pretty when you're nervous."

the heat in your ears spreads to your cheeks and even further down your neck as you process his words. he couldn't have meant them the way your mind assumed. he's always been the joking type. "stop it. don't tease me."

you move to turn to the tv once more but suna's hand reaches out to cup your cheek, gently directing your line of sight back to him. his palm is cold against your skin, almost icy enough that you want to pull away from it. you don't though, choosing to cherish the touch you've never felt before.

"i'm serious," he says and you can tell by his voice that he means it. "you're really pretty."

your eyes scan his face and, just like his words, any evidence of jesting is absent. you blink to be sure and his expression is unchanging. this isn't how you imagined coming clean with your feelings would go—hell, you couldn't be sure that suna even reciprocated them. now, in the moment that he's made his stance clear, you're at a loss for words.

infinite responses bounce around in your skull but none of them make it to your lips. you fear that your silence may give the man the wrong idea so you spit out the first reply that you can manage to string together. "um, you're... really pretty, too."

suna smiles at that, one that reaches his eyes. “im glad you think so."

suna supposes he could have scoured through his closet in search of an extra set of sheets. he supposed he could have walked straight past your room and camped out on the couch for the night. but something compelled him to stop in front of your door—maybe his heart or maybe his curiosity. he figures both played a part in his decision to knock on your door. after all, he just wanted to see if you might feel the same.

thanks for reading! consider commenting or reblogging if you enjoyed ❤︎

[the-fandom-is-now-my-life]

Hi ! I wanted to say I love your work a lot, especially those stories about Tokyo Debunker characters going to the future !! Would you mind doing one with Sho please ?

A bun in the oven

Cw: Hyde slips a future potion into Sho's drink without him knowing, reader described as pregnant

Wc: 1,2K

Notes: if there is something in the new chapter that contradicts anything in here, no it doesn't (haven't gotten around to reading it jiji)

For some reason this doesn't read like I wanted it to but it's kind of cute sigh

Sometimes muscle memory takes over when Sho cooks, zoning out and looking at nothing while cutting vegetables or mixing batter, more than once freaking Leo out at his zombie like state.

It just came so naturally after spending so much time in his hobby, mincing garlic, salting water and reducing the sauce. It isn't until he dips his chopsticks in his mouth that he snaps back.

An horrible itching and burning inside his mouth waking him from his trance. He quickly throws aside the offending chopsticks and hurries to the sink to fill a glass of water.

Without a care, he throws his head as he chugs the water faster than he ever shotgunned a beer. Not even caring to wipe the droplets slipping from his lips to his chin and down his neck.

There is only one reason he would cook something like that, he thinks, god-damned Leo and his hellish spicy things. He always tells him that he won't taste anything but the chili oil and jalapeno but he just rolls his eyes and tells him to do as told.

That damned brat, how can he even eat this bullshit without losing his tongue? Maybe he lost his sense of taste after chewing on his special artifact so much, he insists it doesn't taste like anything but some anomalous chemical in it must have ruined his tongue.

Footsteps sound behind him but Sho doesn't pay it too much mind, must be leo, he thinks while swishing water inside his mouth and spitting it out. The last time he spits it out he is lucky it didn't go up his nose at the unexpected hug. Arms wrapping around his waist and someone's head resting on his shoulder.

A soft voice talks just behind him, the sweetness dripping from it too real to be Leo's “Thanks for cooking for me, love, I know you hate spicy with your whole soul after Hyde tricked you” was that…? If Leo was pulling his leg again he swears to God he will never tell him anything ever. Just one time he tells Leo he likes to spend time with you -maybe a little too much to be like friends- and he has never known peace since. Whenever Leo gets slightly bored his little crush is something so easy to exploit, teasing about white day's gifts, sending him photos of couple's discounts at stores, links to rings with obnoxious remarks like ‘Better hope they have cheap taste’ or ‘your food truck better be making some good revenue otherwise I see it hard. I'm not lending you even one yen’

Ripping him away from his thoughts, the muscles under his skin tremble and shudder as if an electric current went through them as your lips fall just beneath the angle of his scapula, an almost mockingly honest ‘mhwa’ follows as you get away. Luckily you didn't do it as he was pouring the blistering oil in the bowl or when he was cutting the garlic, Sho is sure he would have spilled oil all over himself or sliced his finger open.

“Whatever. It should be ready” he mumbles as he drags the cutting board and pot where the oil was boiled to the sink to scrub them.

Without a peep you grab the bowl and walk off to the kitchen island.

“So how was the truck today?”

“Hyde was hanging around all day and wanted to watch how I did everything, such a nuisance.”

“Like a little kid! Maybe that is why he was so happy at having a nephew, he wanted someone close to his maturity!”

Letting out a small laugh to let you know he heard you, his mind starts chewing and begins to understand what you said. ‘nephew’ stands particularly up, he is Hyde's only sibling, so that would mean… no, there is no way, is it?

And for once, he turns around to see you, not dressed in school uniform and loafers with tidy and neat hair but rather you are on the stool wearing a t-shirt he has been thinking about buying for a few days and your hair on a messy bun. But that is seen as normal over your hand, spotting a ring over the sage's ring, resting over a very noticeably pregnant stomach.

Oh, fuck, it wasn't a prank, that fucking masked creep truly got that damned potion. That is why he was so fucking annoying to get him to share a drink. He should have known it wasn't from the goodness of his heart. Was he getting back at him from when he stole his beers? Immature bastard.

“Huh? Is something wrong” lazily you lean back and look at him wondering.

“... No, not at all”

Leaving the dishes halfway done, he sits on the stool next to yours and stealing glances at you

“baby, he is kicking, have a feel” without giving him a second to pull away his hand lies flat against your swollen stomach, and soon is greeted by a harsh kick from the depths of your body “he is kicking like crazy”

“Are you sure it isn't because… he hates spicy” it takes him a second to not call that an ‘It’. He does like you, maybe enough to have a serious relationship and not just mess around like he always does but it's a wide jump from the ring around your fingers and having a fully fledged family.

“If that was why then your son shouldn't make me crave spicy food!”

“Are we sure it's not Leo's?” He jokes, unsure how to continue the conversation, and gets a smack in the arm while you laugh “hey, I think it's a fair enough q-” suddenly another smack lands on him but this time it's harsher and directly on his face, accompanied by such and annoying voice.

“Shohei-kun~~” his brother is hunched over him and slapping his face, there isn't much worry on his face as annoyance, as if him being out of it because of something he slipped in his drink “finally~♪ I would have thought ghouls have a higher tolerance to potions but doesn't seem like it”

Sho’s hands fly to Hyde's collar, or so he thought, his body must still be halfway asleep given how easily he dodged his grasp.

“No need to get so aggressive so soon! I just wanted you to tell me how your future was going to be but I doubt you are speaking, right?” Wobbly kneeling up Sho only is capable of snarling a string of curses making his brother, who rolls his eyes and helps him up on a chair.

“You should get better in a few minutes, how about you tell me all about your little dream when I come back~?” And hurriedly he rushes out of his own office to dodge a book thrown by his little brother.

Sighing into his arms, it seems that the only way to calm his stomach and stop his head from spinning was closing his eyes and anchoring himself to the desk. Stupid Hyde and his stupid potions.

Cracking his left eye slightly at the buzzing of his phone, he is faced by the only text he couldn't stomach to answer right now. Even a text from Leo or Hyde would be better.

Senpai: Sho, are you fine? I couldn't find you at recess

Senpai: call me when you see this, don't make me worried!!

He should call you but how could he look at you in the eye after that “damned masked freak”.

[murderthegods]

One thing I really like about I Saw the TV Glow that I don't see people talking about is the specific tone that "there is still time" takes on in it. Lots of people talking about that line ofc, but I see everyone talking about it as though it's unambiguously and only a message of hope.

The obvious thing to take away from "there is still time" is of course that you can still save yourself. As long as you haven't died yet, you still have a chance. You don't have to die like this. You can still live your life. And that's not not the point of the line ofc, but I'd argue it's missing something, and that's that you haven't left yet.

This is the movie about the fear of the known, the horror of there being no monsters, the fear of waiting. And in that context, a message of reassurance that I can afford to wait a little longer is awful! I don't want to wait any longer! I know I'm going to wait for as long as I can, but I want out! Obviously it's better than not having any time at all, but only because that would be the train hitting me. "There is still time" means I'm standing on the tracks like a deer in the headlights, and the train might be miles away but I can see it and I can feel in my bones that I can't move yet - or that I won't - and a voice tells me that I'll be fine, I can afford to stay on the tracks a little longer, it'll be fine, I'm not dying yet, it's fine, there is still time, but every second I still have time is a second I still can't breathe.

I've lived my entire life haunted by deadlines and the lack thereof, and to me the phrase "there is still time" contains just as much dread as the rest of the movie. If there weren't any time, then I could just, I dunno, power through it. I've written enough essays the night before, it's not fun, I hate it actually, but as long as I still have time I know from experience that I'm not going to do it yet. If I were on my deathbed then I could just make my dying words "I was a girl the whole time" and I wouldn't have to deal with any of the consequences because I'd be dead. In a way, that's the easy way out. Which, y'know, is the whole point! If I wait until I don't have any time left to start living, then I almost may as well have not done anything! That's what the movie is scared of.

I do actually have time, it is genuinely fine if I don't do anything right this second, or tonight, or this month, but how many years do I want to let that add up? I don't want to spend another year like this, much less ten! The scary thing isn't the idea of "dying like this" - how I am at the moment of my death is almost immaterial compared to how I am in all the years I'll have before then! The scary thing is every day I spend being like this, and none of them individually are all that scary but all of them is terrifying! I can't believe that I don't have time because it's not true and because then I'd be so paralyzed with fear and despair I wouldn't do anything, but if I actually fully believed that I did have time, I'd do what Owen did!

The more I think about it the more odd it seems that people are latching onto the phrase "there is still time" as a message of hope. It is pretty objectively a true statement in this context and it's even pretty inarguably hopeful, but it's also kinda obviously a phrase that can only be meant to encourage inaction. The point of it is that you don't have to do anything (yet). In a movie that we can all see is clearly about how you need to do something! It's created a fascinating environment where people say "There is still time, so go on hrt today!" seemingly without spotting any contradiction! If there's still time, I may as well start tomorrow, right?

Yes, if you don't believe you have time, if you believe your life is already over, then you're probably not going to do anything to improve it, but equally as much, who would ever take a risk to improve their life now if they think they have all the time in the world?

[astrophileblogs07]

Astro Observations pt.19

Hello guys!! Back after so long! I am sorry for not being active here...I am prepping for my med school entrance this year and so I have taken a year off. But since I missed you all, here i am ❣️

• People with Saturn ruling their 7th house/Leo risings or Saturn aspecting their 7th house lord in a good way, always, I mean ALWAYS have people come back to them in some form or way no matter how much time it takes. It is mostly due to any karmic ties with that person, either for the good or for the bad. (My mom has this placement and I have seen literally so many people who haven't been nice to her at first end up seeking significant help from her..). Saturn rules karma and the 7th house is not only about partnerships, but is also about open enemies, people who are bound to you by karma. • The second nakshatra(and the things related to it) from your nakshatra can help you to make money. Eg. If you are a Mrig, look at the next nakshatra i.e second from your nakshatra which would be Ardra. Even an Ardra person can help you gain money.

• This one is a bit weird (🤡)but people with strong Mars placement/ Mars dominant chart/ prominent Mars naturally have that aptitude of analysing 'flirting' behaviour(Idk what you call it when people are so observant and smart that they just know what your actions towards a particular individual mean and they also know why you're doing it 🙆🏻‍♀️). Also they learn that thing soooo earlyy in life....I have seen soooo manyyy kids with this placement when they are like 8 or 9 but their rizz level is 📈📈📈🔥. Even if there is no outside influence (like TV or people around them, or even if there is...they learn that veryyy fast and early in life). (IDK HOW Y'ALL DO THAT? 😭😭🤣🤣) {Mars is charming ✨✨)

# Here is this small fun fact about my life: (Saturn rules time and hence clocks). When I had my first Saturn dasha (Sade sati) I was in 4th grade that time. One of the effects of Saturn Dasha is that it actually makes your understanding and mind slow. (grasping power becomes slower than usual). And the fun fact here was, at that time, we were learning how to read time on clock (like time elapsed, time left and solving math problems on that.) but I was the only one who couldn't understand it properly and made so manyyy mistakes, got scolded by teachers and my mom lol 😂.

#I have noticed 2 things in an Ashwini 🐴🐴 1. They are the early earners of their family may be due to family issues (not usually) but most of the times coz they're ambitious.

2. They have some serious Daddy issues. Every Ashwini I have seen has a bad memory with their dads bruising/destroying their ego in the worst way possible (like for example: insulting you in front of public, targeting you and your insecurities). And the added cherry on top is they're the first people to pack their bags and leave/ move out early. Like anything they'd do to stay away from their fathers. 🤷🏻‍♀️🥸 3. Ashwini and Pushyas are match made in Heaven (after Bharani ofc)

# In my previous post i had mentioned about the moon and Asc getting along. That happens only when they're in the same sign. But one more observation which contradicts this one is that when your moon sign and the other person's asc are in opposite signs... that's ⚔battlefield ⚔ right there. 💀💀 (Me being an Aries moon, have literally had the worst fights with Libra asc.)

That's all from my side for today. Hope to return soon! (srsly wanna post more 😫) Thank you my Tumblr Fam!❤❤❤💕😘💖 Lotsss of Love to you all! (Bye, going MIA again 🤡)

[writing-for-life]

The Sandman Overture and Exiles: Omnia Mutantur, Nihil Interit

Everything Changes, Nothing Is Truly Lost—Not Even Hope

There once was a little girl (well, not a human girl) known by the name Hope Beautiful Lost Nebula, egg-daughter of Clearly who died in childbirth, sperm-daughter of Troubling World who was murdered by reavers. She is one of the most meaningful characters of the whole Sandman, so why does fandom hardly talk about her, not even those who have read the comics?

Understanding Hope, her story and her connection to Dream, is more or less understanding the entirety of The Sandman, and that's why I want to write about Hope and hope.

This contains major spoilers for Overture, Exiles and the ending of the Sandman, so if you’d rather not, this is your exit sign…

Pictures often speak louder than words, so I would like to start with these [I will add Alt text gradually, it’s a lot]…

If you haven't read Overture, you would not know that the words Dream speaks in Hell when he wins the Oldest Game are a direct mirror of Hope's words, down to repeating "I am...". It is not a sudden epiphany about how to win—it is a memory.

How much Morpheus truly remembers about the universe before the reset in Overture—it is something we cannot know for certain, and we have discussed it on here many, many times. I personally lean towards his remembering a lot more than we might think, and I've written about it in other metas before, e.g. here (super long with many tangents) or here. The narration is unreliable on this, because Desire in cat-form says in Overture that “there won’t be anything to remember”, but also that Dream will be “the only one to remember”. But whether he remembers every detail, or whether it is exactly the way Glory states in the above panel and it’s just that Hope's name is there for him when he needs it most, is secondary. What matters is that he does remember (side-note: It also matters because Dream promised her himself. And he never goes back on a promise, for better, for worse).

The above conversation with Glory is often taken as proof that there is no hope in the new universe, and by extension, the whole of the Sandman turns into a story with a hopeless ending. But in my opinion, that isn’t true. Yes, as a mortal being, Hope does not exist in the universe we are now in. But two very specific panels in Overture are directly contradicted by what happens in the later arcs of The Sandman:

The Star says here, after Hope's above statement that she is not nothing, that she is Hope, "As if saying that might ever change something." [And the Star’s tone is equally mocking than that of Lucifer Morningstar when they say, “What are you then, Dream Lord?”, but that just as an aside.]

And since Hope is killed in the very next panel (because Time pulled Dream out of that situation, so he wasn't able to protect her anymore. Who needs parents, right?), we might be inclined to believe this.

But by now, we all know that the Star is WRONG. These are not "three words that mean nothing." Once again:

And also this (I couldn’t find a gif with the bit where she says, “I will never give up hope,” but we all know she does say these words):

What else makes Dream/s prevail in Hell, what else are the dreams Morpheus speaks about here than hopes?

The Star is directly proven wrong. And so are we if we assume that Hope’s spirit doesn’t exist anymore. Because hope as a concept, hope as the thing that Morpheus remembers when he fights Lucifer/Choronzon in Hell, still exists. Even though this was said in the old universe before the reset, it DOES mean something. It DOES change something. Because Morpheus remembers.

Remembering Hope means to have hope.

And if we believe there isn’t any H/hope, we are also directly proven wrong by Time, who tells us that there will always be a universe in which Hope (the being) exists, and that there will always be one in which she doesn’t. And they, in a way, exist simultaneously. So even in a universe without Hope, her spirit, her memory, prevails. That is not a universe entirely without hope.

And that is also our tie-in to Exiles, because Morpheus and Daniel also exist simultaneously. Omnia mutantur, nihil interit—everything changes, nothing is truly lost.

Morpheus has moved on, but he still exists—in story, in memory of those who cared about him, in Daniel!Dream, in the “Soft Places” at the fray where reality and dreams meet. And it is exactly what H/hope is in the Sandman universe—it keeps on existing: In stories, in memories, in the “soft places”. Because to hope means to love, and to love means to hope.

Sometimes, you need to find hope…

Sometimes, she needs a bit of coaxing. Sometimes, hope means not to forget, so you keep going and remember what truly matters…

Sometimes, we lose her, and even Hope loses memory of who she was, but we can be reminded…

Hope might transform, but she never truly disappears in The Sandman.

On that note: I totally understand the attachment to Morpheus as a character. He is my favourite character, too. I cried buckets when I first knew what was going to happen (decades ago I dare say, and not at the end of The Kindly Ones, but during World’s End). And I think it is totally legitimate to want him to survive. Part of me does, too. It is a bit baffling to assume that people who read the story with acceptance and find meaning in it don’t care enough about Morpheus as a character to want him to survive, and that they are even a bit stupid for thinking The Sandman’s underlying message is one of hope. I don’t know many people who aren’t heartbroken in one way or another. But the story had to end the way it ended because it is not just about Morpheus and humanising him.

I often feel that by clinging to his character and person alone, we are losing sight of the deeper meaning, and we are closing our eyes to all the messages that are there, in plain sight, if we just let them speak to us:

The Sandman is not simply a story about Morpheus. He is the protagonist (even that could be argued), but he is also a vessel for the meaning and power of change, for letting go instead of clinging to what doesn’t serve us (and isn’t it ironic that by desperately wanting him to live and getting upset about the fact he doesn’t, we are doing exactly that instead of leaning into catharsis that actually has the potential to bring on change in us?).

Dream does not die because Dream cannot die. He changes. What dies is a point of view (symbolised by Morpheus). That’s it. That is the message. Omnia mutantur, nihil interit.

Hope is not gone. Not in this universe or in any other. Her spirit prevails. Because when she calls you out, when she touches you, you remember what matters:

“I’m not,” he says after thinking for a hot second, and proceeds to do exactly that regardless.

She touches him, she holds his hand, and calls him out.

She touches him, she holds his hand, and he is honest with himself, for once.

Hope touched Dream, but did she touch Desire in the same way? I already wrote about it here, and I think in certain ways, she did:

Hope prevails…

Hope is what saved the universe in the first place.

Hope is what Morpheus remembers when it matters.

Hope is what Nada finds again in A Hope in Hell after she gave up hope in Tales in the Sand.

Hope is what drives Unity and ultimately lets Rose survive.

Hope springs eternal in people like Rosemary who are willing to help and overcome their own fears. And in the TV series, that hope gets rewarded, and that’s important (I am glad they made that change).

Hope is even what drives Morpheus, but to see that, we need to take our eyes off only focusing on his having hope for himself, his having hope for his point of view (that does not serve him or anyone else, and he knows). If that’s the hope we’re looking for, we won’t find it. No, that’s not entirely true either. Because again, Dream can’t die. But the true reason is:

Morpheus is bigger than that. The story is bigger than that.

He has hope for humanity and sentient beings that are under his purview—what else are dreams but hopes? And Morpheus as the “point of view” understands that said point of view needs to make space for a better, kinder, more human (for lack of better term—human=/=man but human=with humanity) Dream to exist. And said Dream comes into existence with Daniel, but he also still contains all that was Morpheus. See it as having learned from experience and moving on with a new point of view instead of letting our hurt define us and holding on to it indefinitely. It is something we recommend in real life all the time—why can’t we find it in this story? Because it is right there, again, in plain sight: Omnia mutantur, nihil interit.

I am not saying this is how you have to see it. But I am saying that engaging with the story on this level makes it easier to come to terms with an ending that is commonly interpreted as hopeless because we can't see the forest for the trees.

Hope is hope. And she saved the universe and us. Not just once, but many times over. The new universe isn’t the hopeless, sad universe. The old one was. The new one has hope because it keeps existing. With Hope’s spirit and a Dream who has changed…

[a-whisper-in-the-forest]

Maybe

Part 1 (coffees and tips)

Part 2 (somebody I care about)

Civilian turns into the next aisle of their local supermarket. They got milk, eggs, something to eat for tonight…snacks. They need snacks. Some candy would be nice. Oh, no, popcorn. Yes, popcorn to eat with a movie. Tonight is going to be a good night. Their shift went well and they got a ton of tips, their toast didn't burn this morning and they haven't lost a single thing. Today was a good day. Only, Villain hadn't passed by the shop today, or yesterday, or the day before that. Maybe the fight with Superhero scared them off a bit? The coffeeshop is supposed to be a safe place for villains and a superhero that just bursts in is kind of contradicting. They really hope they can see them tomorrow, work hasn't been the same.

They turn into the other aisle and see a surprising figure ahead. They are dressed in some sweatpants and a hoodie, hair a little messed up but in a cute way and holding a shopping basket. Civilian’s heart makes a little jump. “Hi, Villain. Didn't expect you here,” Civilian says excitedly. Was that too much? Villain looks up a little surprised but then pulls their lips into a smile. “Hi,” they answer while putting a frozen pizza in their basket. “I normaly don’t come here, but I didn't have anything to eat so… deepfreeze chemical shit it is.” Civilian can't help but chuckle. “Don't you have henchmen that can cook for you?” Villain grabs another pizza. “Technically yes, but after three days of planning and scheming we could all use a break.”

“Oh,” Civilian answers, “that's why you didn't show up.” Villain’s smile turned into a smirk. “What? Missed me?” they ask stepping forward. “Maybe,” Civilian answers, not backing away. Villain hums in agreement and corners Civilian against the freezer door. “I might have missed you too, honestly,” Civilian feels that funny feeling in their stomach flare up again. Was it them or was the room getting hotter? “Really?” they whisper. They are so close together right now, they could practically taste Villain’s lips. Villain leans in even closer and whispers in their ear. “Every minute. I couldn't even focus on my plans, that's why it took so long.” Civilian’s breath hitches and they feel a blush creep up their neck. Villain lets out a soft, but deep chuckle. “Oh, dear, so easily flushed. I wonder…” Before Civilian could do anything, they felt a soft peck on their cheek. They turned as red as the tomato in their cart. Villain was still smirking and let out a satisfied hum. “I should stop there though, before you turn into a puddle.” Civilian didn't want them to stop, they wanted them to keep going. “Please, no, keep going.”

Villain’s smirl grew into a full smile. “That sounded pretty, but that's not for here. How about you go home and I drop off these pizzas to my gremlins that are apparently my henchmen. I'll come to your place later and you can ask me those nice questions again.” Civilian nods but they preferred the Villain coming straight home with them. As if Villain could read their mind they answered: “As I said, my henchmen are like gremlins and it's nearing midnight. Believe me, it’s only chaos that ensues.” Civilian just hoped they won't have to wait too long. “Will you hurry?” Civilian asked. Villain's cocked their head to the side. “Maybe.”

Villain obviously paid Civilian’s groceries.

Hi! This was the obvious poll winner so here it is! It's my first time writing something like this so go easy on me. As always I hope you enjoyed!

My are open if you want to ask me anything! (A snippet, a question, share a thought,... Anything!)

[antianakin]

hey! i'm a star wars newbie who finally watched the first 6 movies + kenobi show after years of absorbing the sw fandom via friends. i'd become so familiar with the popular fanon takes/characterizations that i was really confused because so much of it seemed contradictory...especially regarding the obi wan & anakin relationship. i was wondering if my take was somewhat similar to yours, as i was immensely relieved to read some of yours and know that i haven't somehow misunderstood the entire series... i realize after writing this all out that it's absolutely a gigantic ask and i totally understand if you don't want to post it! so sorry!

my big thing was that i'd become used to the idea that anakin + obi wan are...obsessed with each other? both platonically and in the ship dynamic itself, especially from anakin's end. obi wan would do anything for anakin, and anakin would do anything for obi wan.

i didn't get that at all. obi wan stands by his jedi ideals, but loves anakin, feels guilt and blames himself for darth vader. but anakin?? somewhat reasonable if it was that he'd do anything for padme - her potential death is what torments him in rots - but...for obi wan? the guy that anakin didn't care enough about to warn/save from order 66? padme brought him up first, going "what about obi-wan" and anakin's response is "uh no idea. a lot of people died. let's hope that he's loyal if he's still around!" i was blown awayyy by the nonchalance. even though he just said farewell to obi wan in a heartwarming encounter where his old master explicitly gave him the trust that anakin is complaining that he doesn't receive, going "i'm proud of you", etc. etc., that's his response. i don't think he tried to help obi wan, or felt any specific turmoil about his likely death. yes he's focused on padme and everything's going so fast, but if anything, it shows that between padme and obi wan, obi wan loses. he doesn't mean as much to anakin, or at least, he's not worth that effort, if that makes sense. or maybe i missed something, since this is my first watch?

my immediate reaction was that anakin 100% fucking knew that obi wan would never approve of the things he's doing and plan to do - and unwilling to face that disappointment, because he does care about obi wan's opinion, he takes the coward's way out and lets palpatine do his thing, probably justifying it through his passivity. he's not directly harming obi wan! he's not responsible! and if obi wan does die and doesn't get to learn or react to the fact that his padawan committed these crimes then it's sad and terrible, but also...more convenient for anakin's own state of mind. and if he's alive - well he better be loyal to the chancellor! everything is about anakin. that's why he turns on padme: because in the end, she mattered more to him than obi wan, but still not more to him than himself.

i have no idea if this is an extremely morbid, bad-faith take since it's so different from what i've seen even amongst non-shipping fans. the assumption seems to be "they loved each other more than anyone, more than themselves!" and in my head after watching rots i'm just confused.

and don't get me wrong: this is not me trying to hate!! the relationship is pivotal to the story, but it's interesting to me because of the huge contradictions in anakin's image of obi wan. how he tries to build him up as larger than life, puts him on a jedi pedestal, and blames everything wrong with his life on him. but also how he undermines obi wan's efforts, has this one-sided rivalry thing going on and thinks he's better than obi wan. and of course, all that mixed with the genuine affection and love he does have for obi wan as a father-figure and master.

and i get the appeal of the absolutely-obsessed-with-each-other trope as well! i just don't think it fits these two. unless you think of it as "obi wan loved anakin, but anakin only became obsessed with him (in a homicidal, resentful, you stand for everything i lost and i can't stand leaving you alone kind of way) later". and i don't think obi wan thinking of/dreaming of anakin years later should be treated as a similar "obsession" because yeahh it seems extremely reasonable for him to be haunted by his own padawan's horrific crimes. i guess if anything it's a twisted one-sided unhealthy obsession? anyways wanted your thoughts on their relationship, if you have any!

I will say that a lot of Star Wars fans pull a lot of their chosen interpretations of these characters from lore beyond the first six films. There's obviously the more recent Disney shows, but there's also plenty of novels/comics that were written both before and after the Disney takeover that people have read, as well as (perhaps most notably) the animated TV show The Clone Wars (2008, not to be confused with the animated webseries Clone Wars from 2001-2002).

I'm not afraid of a long post, but I know it can be frustrating to scroll past for some people, so I'm going to give a short TL;DR before the cut and if you would like to read the extended version, please feel free to keep going, but I'd like to note that this response got unreasonably long.

TL;DR: I think Obi-Wan cares for Anakin a lot and that his arc in the Prequels is about learning to have faith that Anakin will do the right thing and when that faith is betrayed, he has to let go of it in order to do what’s best for the galaxy. Having faith is not the same as obsession. I also think that Obi-Wan loves Anakin selflessly, the way all Jedi learn to love, and this means that sometimes Obi-Wan cannot prioritize Anakin above everyone and everything else, but that this is not an indication of Obi-Wan loving Anakin LESS. I think Anakin does care about Obi-Wan, but that love is always wrapped up in his desire for a different kind of relationship than the one Obi-Wan can provide and that creates a lot of friction in their dynamic and is what allows Padme to eclipse Obi-Wan in Anakin’s affections and priorities. I also think Anakin is absolutely obsessed with gaining Obi-Wan’s approval and while this can lean in a toxic direction, I think that it also manages to sometimes push him to be a better person and creates a healthier relationship between Anakin and Obi-Wan than Anakin has with anybody else in his life. I think that the intended reading of their relationship is intended to be positive right up until it isn’t, but that ultimately the writing in the Prequels didn’t always succeed at getting that across and their attempts at fixing it didn’t feel like enough despite the actors’ chemistry with each other.

So I'll start with Obi-Wan and why I agree with you that his feelings for Anakin aren't anywhere NEAR as obsessed or attached as people seem to think. 

Within the Prequels, Obi-Wan’s primary arc as a character is about learning to have faith, both in the will of the Force (TPM) and in Anakin (AOTC). By ROTS, he’s reached the end of that arc and we see the difference in how he reacts to things as a result. He’s a lot more willing to just trust that things will turn out okay, more willing to trust that Anakin will figure himself out and do the right thing if given enough time and encouragement. People have interpreted this as Obi-Wan being too soft on Anakin or blind to Anakin’s faults or being too attached to Anakin (and therefore perhaps being willing to OVERLOOK faults that he knows Anakin has because he’d rather protect Anakin from the Council’s condemnation). 

But I don’t personally see it that way and I don’t honestly believe it’s what we’re supposed to take from his behavior. Obi-Wan is quite critical of Qui-Gon’s faith in TPM and then critical of Anakin himself in AOTC, so it’s not like he’s just always been willing to overlook Anakin’s flaws and mistakes. Obi-Wan’s LACK of faith earlier on is clearly positioned as a flaw for him to overcome. Just because that faith is misplaced and his trust goes unrewarded in the end doesn’t necessarily mean that he was wrong to have it in the first place. Obi-Wan’s faith allows him to accept that Anakin has faults and will make mistakes and trust that Anakin’s compassion and Jedi training will allow him to overcome those faults and learn from his mistakes. This is, in fact, the OPPOSITE of attachment. This is Obi-Wan choosing to let go of all of his worries about the future and living in the “here and now” as he is told to do by Qui-Gon in his very first scene. He accepts that there is only so much he can do to control Anakin’s fate and the rest of it is up to Anakin. 

In The Clone Wars 2008 (TCW), the problem with analyzing their relationship is that the structure of this show is so episodic and disconnected that there’s generally no set-up and no aftermath to the things that happen to these characters in individual episodes or arcs (which are anywhere from 2-4 episodes long out of a 22 episode season). So instead of trying to analyze an arc across the whole show, I will look at one specific arc that is really the only one that focuses on Anakin and Obi-Wan’s relationship (and perhaps one of the more controversial storylines in the entire show): the Deception arc.  

In this arc, Obi-Wan chooses to fake his death as a part of the Jedi Council's plan to discover an enemy plot that would be particularly disastrous for the Republic if it succeeded and possibly cost them the war. Obi-Wan chooses NOT to read Anakin in on this plan and part of the plan actually hinges on Anakin reacting to Obi-Wan's death as though it were real in order to make it convincing to their enemies, so Obi-Wan dies right in front of Anakin and Anakin has no idea that it isn't real until some time later and he is, understandably, fairly upset about it.

I think that this arc shows a lot about how Obi-Wan approaches their relationship. Obi-Wan doesn't necessarily WANT to cause Anakin pain, but he is also perfectly willing to do exactly that if it's in the name of protecting the needs of the many. In this case, Obi-Wan believes that he is protecting the whole Republic from losing a war. Anakin's temporary pain cannot be prioritized above the very real consequences of the Republic losing the war to the Separatists. Obi-Wan is capable of making the hard decision when it comes down to it, even if it means hurting someone he loves, even if it might cost him that relationship. And I also think that the emphasis on Obi-Wan’s choice to deceive Anakin (something that Yoda and even Mace Windu seem a little uncertain about) gives some interesting insight. Obi-Wan and the Jedi basically had to look at Anakin and wonder if his inability to keep secrets well (they’re all aware of Anakin’s relationship with Padme despite his attempts to deny it) was a bigger problem than his unpredictability in the face of strong emotions like grief. There is a very obvious acknowledgement of Anakin's flaws here, and the difference between Obi-Wan and Yoda/Mace in this instance isn't that one of them can see Anakin's flaws and the other can't, but that they disagree on which flaw is going to be a bigger issue for the mission in the long term. Obi-Wan chooses to have faith that Anakin will manage his emotions but doesn't really believe in Anakin's acting abilities and OpSec sensibilities.

Because of the way TCW is structured, we have no real aftermath to this particular arc, there's no further discussion or exploration of how it impacts Anakin and Obi-Wan once the four episode arc is over, so all we can really do is analyze what happens DURING the arc, and I do think that it showcases the same theme of faith and a willingness to do his duty while acknowledging Anakin's flaws that we have seen in Obi-Wan through the Prequel trilogy. Obi-Wan prioritizes his duty over anything else, because to do otherwise is to fail as a Jedi and potentially to condemn millions if not trillions of people to death and torture and slavery. (Which doesn't mean he doesn't love Anakin, but simply that his feelings for Anakin do not eclipse that particular duty. Not everyone would make the same choice, and that doesn't necessarily mean that their love is automatically toxic or more selfish than Obi-Wan’s, but Obi-Wan's choice to place his duty over Anakin's feelings also doesn't automatically mean that he doesn't care about Anakin at all or that he cares less about Anakin than Anakin cares for him.)

The last thing I will say about this arc in this section is that fandom often misinterprets this arc as the Council FORCING Obi-Wan to lie to Anakin. This is explicitly contradicted IN THE DIALOGUE, Obi-Wan point blank tells Anakin that it was his choice and not the Council's and Yoda questions the decision early on and claims it to be have been a mistake later, so anyone claiming that the Council forced this on Obi-Wan is just wrong.

There's a lot of comics and novels that look more at this relationship that I have never actually read, so just know that some fans' interpretations of their relationship could be coming from having consumed these comics and novels as kids. The one novel I'll discuss a little is Matthew Stover's Revenge of the Sith novelization. I will fully admit I haven't read it myself, I've only read snippets of it, but it comes really highly regarded and well reviewed. The line in question here comes from an extended version of the conversation between Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Mace Windu where they're talking about Anakin as Yoda heads off to Kashyyyk.

“I think," Obi-Wan said carefully, "that abstractions like peace don't mean much to him. He's loyal to people, not to principles. And he expects loyalty in return. He will stop at nothing to save me, for example, because he thinks I would do the same for him." Mace and Yoda gazed at him steadily, and Obi-Wan had to lower his head. "Because," he admitted reluctantly, "he knows I would do the same for him.”

Now, the bit about Anakin at the top I think is completely accurate. But I do not buy that Obi-Wan would ever do the same for Anakin. We actually see so many moments that explicitly seem to prove this wrong, that Obi-Wan would NOT “stop at nothing” to save him. Obi-Wan seems to very explicitly prioritize doing his duty above Anakin when push comes to shove. Most obviously, Obi-Wan does actually go fight Anakin after Order 66 and tries more than once to kill him and ultimately leaves him to die on Mustafar. Obi-Wan does his duty when Anakin doesn't give him another choice. He's unable to land a final killing blow, yes, and this does seem to be a direct payoff to his claim to Yoda that he can't kill Anakin because of how much he cares about Anakin, but Anakin is pretty badly injured and ON FIRE by the time Obi-Wan walks away, so there's really no reason to believe that Anakin won't just die here (especially since Yoda is supposed to be handling Palpatine). He's willing to let Anakin die to spare the galaxy.

It doesn't even make any SENSE for it to be true, especially with the implication that Mace and Yoda both also believe it to be true. Obi-Wan is on the Jedi High Council and has the rank of Master, something that isn't just handed out lightly (as seen by the refusal to give it to Anakin when he hasn’t earned it), and the rest of this book goes out of its way to have the Council point out how much they love and trust Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan is THEIR DUDE, they think he's the best at everything ever and trust only him with the most dangerous missions because of how great he is. But somehow the two highest ranked members of this Jedi Council also simultaneously believe that Obi-Wan would "stop at nothing" (which encompasses so many things from just abandoning his duty to literally destroying democracy and committing genocides) to save one person. I don't see how these two things can both be true at once. If Mace and Yoda genuinely believed this about Obi-Wan, they never should've given him this position of leadership and I don't buy that they'd think as highly of him as they clearly do in this book. It's ridiculous. I'm sure the book is great, the prose in the snippets I've read of it do seem to be really pretty and there's plenty I've read that I've actually quite enjoyed, but this line just pisses me off. So it's possible you will see people try to use this line to argue that Obi-Wan was obsessed with/attached to Anakin, but I think that's kind-of bullshit and I don't think it even makes sense within the book it exists in.

And that leaves us with the Disney era, and the one thing we can really look at here is the Obi-Wan Kenobi show. 

Obi-Wan is obviously struggling a lot for the majority of the show and the core of it is what happened with Anakin, but it goes so far beyond that. He's lost his entire family, his community, his culture, his home, and both he and his people are being hunted down. The one person he feels he has left is being raised by people who won't even let them speak to each other. The only other possible connection he can make is with someone who died decades earlier and he's not succeeding at making that connection. Those failures eat away at him just as much as anything else does. It's not just about Anakin and it never is.

I’m also going to go back to that initial theme of FAITH for Obi-Wan. In the Prequels, his arc is about learning to have faith in the will of the Force and in Anakin. That faith was betrayed in the end, and so his faith is pretty minimal during this show at the beginning. But each time he’s proven wrong by a new person he meets, he gains it back a little more. He starts to trust that people ARE inherently good, that there’s a reason to keep fighting, and that he can believe in a better world. And he does try to bring that newfound faith into his confrontation with Anakin in the end, he apologizes to Anakin “for everything” and doesn’t take the opportunity to kill him when Anakin is defeated. But he does have to let go of his faith in Anakin, he has to accept that this is a faith that is never again going to be rewarded. He has to accept that he wasn’t wrong to have faith in general and that he SHOULD be more trusting of people in general, and Anakin made his own choices and will CONTINUE to make his own choices regardless of what Obi-Wan does or does not do. Just because Anakin chose to betray him doesn’t mean that Obi-Wan was wrong to trust him. Again, the end of this entire story for Obi-Wan is about recognizing Anakin’s inherent flaws and accepting them before choosing to WALK AWAY. 

The Obi-Wan Kenobi show is not a perfect show by any means, and I will never try to claim that it is. One of the issues with it is that there are some logistical issues in it that are a little confusing if taken literally. So one of the ways that I am able to make my peace with those little logistical problems is to see the show as more of a long visual metaphor for Obi-Wan's journey towards mental health rather than taking it literally. Maybe all of it happened exactly as we saw it, maybe it didn't.

The visions that Obi-Wan seems to have of Anakin could be taken literally as actual visions Obi-Wan is having, but it could also be interpreted as just a metaphor for Obi-Wan's guilt and pain and fear. 

The flashback sequence where Obi-Wan and Anakin are sparring together could be taken literally as a regular flashback, it could be interpreted as a shared Force vision between the two of them, or it could be interpreted as just a representation of Obi-Wan and Anakin’s state of mind in the present day as they engage in a battle of wits. It also reinforces that idea of a shared history and how Obi-Wan's strength has never been in pure power but in cleverness and resourcefulness..

And that final confrontation could have happened. Maybe it did. But maybe it didn't. Anakin is a representation of Obi-Wan’s faith and trust being betrayed, but he’s been re-learning that trust and faith in people IS rewarded more often than it isn’t, so his faith in Anakin wasn’t the issue. And even if it were, it doesn't really matter anymore. Even if Obi-Wan did make mistakes with Anakin, he was never controlling Anakin's choices. Anakin made these choices himself and is STILL making them himself and the responsibility for them should be placed squarely on Anakin's shoulders. Obi-Wan has to let go of his need to understand Anakin's choices in order to forgive himself for whatever part he may have played in them and learn to have hope for the future again. The confrontation between Obi-Wan and Anakin is, to me, just as much a confrontation between Obi-Wan and his own fears as it is a confrontation between Obi-Wan and Anakin. It's not dissimilar from the Dagobah cave sequence with Luke.

So, personally, I see this entire scene as just one giant metaphor rather than something more literal. Which is why I can accept Obi-Wan walking away from Anakin a second time, knowing that Anakin will continue to live and torment the galaxy as a result, rather than finishing the job when he has the opportunity and doing his duty. Because if it’s not really happening, then Obi-Wan walking away is just a visual representation of him choosing to let go of his guilt and his doubts and his fears, and not a complete failure on Obi-Wan’s part that condemns the galaxy to another decade under Vader’s thumb. I don’t see this show as proof that Obi-Wan is obsessed with Anakin so much as I see it as the show choosing to use Anakin’s visage as a representation of Obi-Wan’s feelings weighing him down. 

So, in conclusion, my interpretation is that Obi-Wan has FAITH in Anakin (and the will of the Force) in the Prequels, which constitutes acknowledging and accepting Anakin’s flaws while simultaneously choosing to believe that Anakin will be able to overcome them. This is the definition of balance in Star Wars, and something every Jedi is striving to achieve. That faith is severely damaged after Order 66 and Obi-Wan does flounder as a result, but is able to ultimately regain his faith in people and in the will of the Force by accepting that he can no longer have faith in Anakin and that Anakin made his own choices despite the support and training he received from Obi-Wan. 

Which brings us to Anakin.

I don’t find your take to be particularly morbid at all. It’s a little bad faith, but I will say that the thing with bad faith takes is that sometimes that interpretation comes from a problem in the writing creating a dissonance with the intended message. So while it sometimes doesn’t appear as though Anakin cares very much about Obi-Wan, the dialogue and vibes of the films are trying to let us know that he DOES care about Obi-Wan quite a lot and that it’s a pretty central relationship in Anakin’s life that he relies on (and, to some degree, takes for granted). I’m not sure that this always comes across super well, especially in the films (and most especially in AOTC), and that lends itself to more bad faith takes on their relationship. So despite my love for bad faith takes about Anakin, I will attempt to be as balanced as I can here.

I do think that almost all of Anakin’s canon relationships have an element of attachment to them, even the nicer ones, which means that there’s always some element of obsession and possessiveness to it, and Obi-Wan is not an exception.

Part of why I think he has this relationship with Obi-Wan is due to Anakin’s desperate need to have someone whose life revolves around him, replicating the relationship he had with Shmi. Despite the fact that Shmi was not attached to Anakin, their relationship was defined by the environment in which he was raised. Shmi’s entire world revolved around Anakin and doing what was best for him and making him happy to try to make up for the fact that they were enslaved as much as she was capable of providing. And, on some level, Anakin NEEDS that, but Obi-Wan never actually provides it (because Obi-Wan is a Jedi and cannot let his life revolve around one person and is attempting to teach Anakin those same values, not because Obi-Wan doesn’t care about Anakin or cares about him less than Shmi did). Obi-Wan is, for ten years, the primary relationship in Anakin’s life, but the frustration of not getting precisely what he wants out of it leads to resentment and obsession. 

Ironically, I also think that this also leads to Anakin’s relationship with Obi-Wan being one of the healthiest Anakin ever has. Anakin wants Obi-Wan’s approval and in order to get it, Anakin has to actually act MORE LIKE A JEDI, which generally involves a lack of attachment. So there’s actually multiple moments in both the films and TCW where we see Obi-Wan’s relationship with Anakin sort-of inspire an ability to act more rationally and selflessly than he does with other people he’s attached to (Shmi, Padme, Ahsoka, even Palpatine sometimes). 

My favorite example of this is actually in TCW. The basic premise is that Obi-Wan and Anakin (and Ahsoka and their troops) are on a mission that goes south quickly and they end up separated. Towards the beginning, Anakin learns that Obi-Wan’s ship crashed and so he’s probably pretty injured if he’s still alive at all, but Anakin and his troops are still pretty far away from where Obi-Wan is. It’s actually Ahsoka who protests when Anakin decides to ignore the information and just keep moving forward, and while Anakin initially snaps at her about it, he then immediately centers himself and turns back to explain that while they COULD run ahead to help Obi-Wan, it would mean abandoning their troops in enemy territory to do it, and they have to prioritize protecting their men and trust that Obi-Wan will be okay on his own. This moment shows not only that Anakin can actually make the right decision on his own despite how emotional he is about Obi-Wan’s situation, but also that when he DOES let his emotions control him a little, he is also able to center himself enough to explain all of this to his student rather than just shut her down. Being a better Jedi has the ripple effect of helping Anakin’s men and his student (as well as potentially ensuring the success of the mission in the long term by making sure that his men survive to bolster their forces later). 

So, I do think there’s an obsession on Anakin’s end of things, but this obsession doesn’t necessarily mean that he can’t be obsessed with someone else MORE or that the obsession can’t turn into something healthier and more mature with some effort. 

As far as Anakin's nonchalance towards Obi-Wan in the films goes, one of my biggest criticisms of AOTC is that the relationship between Anakin and Obi-Wan was not handled particularly gracefully. This is something that they did recognize in post production and tried to fix by adding in that elevator scene towards the beginning, but it definitely gets overwhelmed by the more negative vibes of their relationship in the rest of the movie. They spend most of their time arguing with each other or critiquing each other in conversations with other people. 

I do wish we’d gotten more of a positive dynamic between them in AOTC to help sell that these two characters cared about each other despite their disagreements, but we didn’t. But the fact that they chose to film an extra scene specifically to help make their relationship more positive tells me that the intended reading of their relationship is supposed to be positive even if they’re going through a rough patch within the context of that one movie.The other thing to keep in mind is that Anakin is supposed to be 19 years old in AOTC and this kind of… rejection of the parental figure’s authority at the same time as they are desperate for the parent’s approval seems fairly normal for teenagers, and we know that Lucas was trying to make Anakin a relatively authentic “whiny teenager” (I think Hayden Christensen said something to Lucas during filming about how the character came off as a whiny teenager and Lucas’s response was “but he IS a whiny teenager”). So while that bratty behavior tends to read as a lack of care, it probably wasn’t intended that way.

They do seem a lot closer during the Invisible Hand sequence at the beginning of ROTS where their banter feels less mean-spirited and they’re able to figure out compromises when they disagree. They feel more like equals with a greater confidence and comfort in their relationship. The problem for me here is that AOTC’s failure to really make it seem like Anakin and Obi-Wan cared about each other makes this sudden change to their dynamic in ROTS feel a little jarring to me. There is a three year time gap, obviously, but it doesn’t feel like quite enough, especially since his betrayal of Obi-Wan happens halfway through the film and that emotional ending is only earned if we bought into their relationship as a positive thing that mattered to both of them. 

This is where TCW steps in. I have… issues with TCW and the way Obi-Wan and Anakin are written in the show sometimes, but one of the things it did try to do was help bridge that gap between their rockier relationship dynamic in AOTC and the much more positive one they have in ROTS. In the earlier seasons, there’s still some of that rebelliousness from Anakin, that need he feels to one-up Obi-Wan by refusing to do what he asks and butting heads with him at every opportunity. By the later seasons, we see their dynamic shift more towards what we saw in ROTS, where their interactions feel more like friendly teasing and banter than butting heads. Some of the reason for this is just time passing, some of it is Anakin being Knighted and he and Obi-Wan able to be equals in a way that wasn’t as possible in their Master/Padawan dynamic, but the biggest explanation TCW provides for why their relationship shifted was Anakin being given a Padawan of his own which allowed him to mature and connect with Obi-Wan in a way he never would have otherwise. 

However, while Obi-Wan and Anakin’s relationship is intended to have stabilized and improved over those three years between AOTC and ROTS, he also betrays Obi-Wan four days later and then proceeds to try to kill him personally, so TCW also tried to provide an explanation for that. This is where we come back to the Deception arc and look at Anakin’s side of things. 

First off, the Deception arc does actually provide some solid evidence of how much Anakin truly cares about Obi-Wan and how he reacts to Obi-Wan being in danger when Padme isn’t a part of the equation. During the time period where Anakin thinks Obi-Wan is dead, he becomes very disoriented and fractured. Anakin has a tendency to mask his grief with anger (something we see pretty clearly when his mother dies in AOTC) and that is exactly what happens after Obi-Wan's "death." He is able to mostly control himself at the beginning of the arc (including stating out loud that he WANTS to kill the assassin who “killed” Obi-Wan and the only reason he doesn’t is out of respect for Obi-Wan’s memory), but he isn't really opening up to anybody and seems to be pushing away everyone who cares about him.

When Anakin learns the truth about Obi-Wan’s deception, he seems to mostly hold it together until the mission is actually complete, but his true feelings come to light when he speaks to Obi-Wan afterwards and they aren't pretty. He's angry with Obi-Wan for the deception, angry at the seeming lack of trust. But despite Obi-Wan telling him point blank that it was HIS choice to deceive Anakin rather than something the Council forced him to do, Anakin refuses to see this as anything other than a flaw in the Council, wondering aloud how often they've lied to both himself AND Obi-Wan. This clearly is intended to show a wedge being shoved into the relationship Anakin has with Obi-Wan and the Council, a breach of trust in the name of the greater good (something Anakin doesn’t truly believe in or respect much), and this adds to the resentment and frustration that Palpatine is encouraging in Anakin so that by the time they reach the events of ROTS, Anakin can convince himself to turn on Obi-Wan and the Jedi because they were “traitors to the Republic” and “trying to take over.” He knows it isn’t true, but the things that he knows were true in the past allow him to pretend that what he’s doing now is right. They were willing to lie to him and betray him once, why couldn’t it be true a second time?

This arc is interesting in how it sort-of portrays both the worst and best of their relationship. Anakin does manage to control himself at the beginning, specifically because he wants to respect Obi-Wan’s values even if Obi-Wan himself is dead. He wants to live up to the person Obi-Wan believed him to be, despite how much pain he’s currently in and how much he WANTS to hurt the assassin he thinks caused it. Keep in mind just how quickly he turned on the Tuskens and how little thought he put into killing them all until it was over, and then compare that to Anakin making the choice to hold himself back when it’s Obi-Wan’s death he’s faced with instead of his mother’s. But by the end, when it’s not regular grief he’s faced with but broken trust, we see Anakin find it difficult to see things from Obi-Wan’s point of view, we see his respect for Obi-Wan’s values disappear. But because he cares about Obi-Wan, he also then refuses to believe something that Obi-Wan is telling him very plainly because he’d actually rather blame the Council and aim his pain at the Council than face the truth that Obi-Wan lied to him and perhaps didn’t trust him the way Anakin thought he did. Anakin has a tendency to paint over uncomfortable truths with pretty lies instead of facing them and that’s exactly what he does here, perhaps to the ultimate detriment of his relationship with both Obi-Wan and the Council. 

Unfortunately, due to the way TCW is structured, there is exactly no further exploration of these events and how they impact Anakin and Obi-Wan going forward. We have no idea when or how Anakin chose to forgive Obi-Wan, and since this arc is pretty close to the end of the season, I don’t think we even see them in a scene together again until the following season when they seem totally fine around each other and there’s no lingering resentment or bitterness at all. I don’t know if this would make Anakin’s unwillingness to really try to save Obi-Wan from Order 66 at all make more sense or not, but I do think that’s part of the intent behind this particular arc. 

I often feel the way you do in my more bitter moments, like Anakin didn’t really care for Obi-Wan at all if he was able to betray him like that in the end, like Obi-Wan was always playing second fiddle to Padme and that should’ve been a bigger issue in their relationship than it was presented as, and like Obi-Wan deserved a better friend and student than he got in Anakin. I understand the appeal the relationship has for people, especially given how central it is to their characters, and I have enjoyed it myself in the past, but I’m just less into it these days. Even when I did like them, though, I don’t think I viewed them as equally obsessed with each other, and even if I did, that wasn’t why it appealed to me. To each their own, obviously, but the nice thing about the Star Wars fandom is that it’s large enough that there’s generally something for everyone to enjoy even if you don’t like all of it. If you’re interested in exploring more of Star Wars, I really hope that you go for it and find the parts of it that really speak to you! 

[notsohappynotsosad]

Emperor, Stelmane and Gargauth

Sorry I haven't been posting, I got hyperfixated on this theory. Drawings will resume from now

If you’ve completed the game, there’s a chance you know of the reveal that Emperor’s previous associate, Duke Stelmane, has been in fact his thrall. Upon further inspection you may gain some seemingly contradicting information and lots of questions with no answers. This post will be long, but I promise that at the end, most of these questions will be answered. Also, there are pictures.

TLDR: Emperor and Stelmane used to be besties before he enthralled her, but they couldn't defeat Gargauth with their power of friendship.

So, for the uninitiated, what are these questions?

Firstly, when the party enters Rivington and Dream Visitor is revealed to be the Emperor, he will tell us about his life, including that he was partners with Stelmane, though he doesn’t say anything about the thrall bit of course. At this point neither he nor the party knows the Duke is dead. As far as the Emperor is concerned, what he shared might greatly compromise him and he never shares such information when he simply could’ve concealed it.

If you poke around, other questions may arise, such as why was Stelmane’s condition improving after the Emperor's visits? Why was she asking for him? Why was she excitedly talking about him at the Tavern? Why did they hug? Why was she at Elfsong, where he could find her the most easily? Why did she drink wine, which he used to force her to do? Why didn’t she warn anyone about him? Why was she looking through people before the stroke? Why would the Emperor mind control her? Why does he keep her portrait next to his desk? Is he stupid?

Now that I have you hooked (probably), let's introduce our cast.

Emperor – The one and only, our favorite topic for daily arguments. Sluttiest waist in game.

Duke Belynne Stelmane – Gods’ most perfect princess. We all agree to fuck the Emperor for what he did to her (some of us literally). She used to be a member of the Council of Four[1] as well as leader of Baldur’s Gate branch of Knights of the Shield[2]. Had ties to Hhune patriar family, possibly even related. Low levels of waist sluttiness.

Gargauth – better known as the Hidden Lord, a powerful pit fiend imprisoned in the Shield of the Hidden Lord. His portfolio includes betrayal, cruelty, political corruption and power brokers[3]. The Shield has been kept underneath Baldur’s Gate for over a century, spreading corruption in the city due to his presence alone. Such is his influence, that on the condition he’s taken away from the city, the crime rate might drastically drop[1]. He is known to have been communicating through the Shield with a past leader of the Knights, providing him with valuable information and helping the order grow in power while trying to gain worship[3]. Only some of the Hhune family and the highest rank members of the Knights knew about his existence, though in the present day no one is aware of his infernal identity[2]. Gargauth will try to steer his current owner towards acts of cruelty and domination in hopes of condemning their soul to the Nine Hells[1]. In the “Descent into Avernus” ttrpg one of the baddies wants to use the Shield to drag Baldur’s Gate into Avernus in the same fashion it happened for Elturel, but a party of adventurers takes it away before this evil plan is realized[1]. No information on waist sluttiness due to being imprisoned in a shield.

Now that I established myself as a squid fucker and Stelmane as a leader of a devil-worshipping organization, I know what you’re thinking – I’m gonna say that the Emperor had to enthrall this evil cult leader to save the city. Haha, no. Keep reading. Here, have a meme so I don’t lose your attention.

I must begin by clearing some misconceptions. It’s easy to assume that because of the Stelmane scene, all the Emperor told us about her up to that point was a lie. It wasn’t. They had a functional relationship before the mind control took place. (If you already know this, feel free to skip to the next meme.) There are two notes in the game pointing us to that conclusion: a journal found in Hhune mausoleum commonly attributed to Stelmane and a transcribed conversation heard in Elfsong tavern.

This existence of a past relationship also explains the portrait of Stelmane that the Emperor keeps next to his desk and one of his dialogue options when the PC hugs him in act 2.

Later, in act 3, he also has some lines painting a vague picture of the relationship’s nature.

So she was beginning to trust him before he caused the stroke. This makes things so much more messed up.

There’s still one written document, which doesn’t make sense, namely Patient Log:

This is clearly written after the Emperor took mental possession of her and caused a stroke. Why then does he help her and why does she keep asking for him?

Have you ever gone into the Hhune mausoleum and saw this note?

After giving up on solving the puzzle and looking it up online have you wondered who is “HE”?

It’s Gargauth, the Hidden Lord.

In “Descent into Avernus” module the party may encounter an NPC who is a member of the Knights; she is kept by Vanathampur family as a leverage in case it transpires that Vanathampurs stole the Shield of the Hidden Lord from the Hhune crypt [1] – the very same mausoleum present in game. And it just so happens that the key to this very mausoleum is in the Elfsong Tavern’s Knights of the Shield headquarters, where Stelmane and the Emperor had their rooms.

That’s not all. When you solve the Hhune mausoleum puzzle, a secret wall will open, revealing a small room full of the Knights’ symbols. If the Shield hasn’t been stolen, the Hidden Lord would be revealed too, just like the note says.

And what is that on the table? It’s Stelmane’s journal I was referring to earlier.

Stelmane had access to the Shield. And if she did, the Emperor had too.

(Kudos, if you already know where I’m going with this.) Here’s my proposed order of events.

Stelmane and the Emperor meet. At the time she isn’t yet a Duke nor the leader of the Knights. Like any normal person she’s terrified at first, but unlike any normal person she’s willing to collaborate for the sake of the Knights and her own ambition.

Due to having an illithid ally she quickly climbs ranks of the Knights. She grows to trust him and vice-versa. Things are as good as they can be for a determined politician working her way up in a corrupt organization and a renegade illithid helping with this task.

They finally advance to the seats of power. Stelmane becomes a Duke and leader of the Knights of the Shield. Perhaps thanks to this position or due to Emperor prying into minds of the members, they become aware of the Shield of the Hidden Lord kept in Hhune mausoleum.

They begin speaking with the Shield. Neither of them knows the true identity of the entity within it and the Hidden Lord does everything to keep it that way. His information and advice is always good, so turning to it for guidance becomes a habit.

Gargauth being Gargauth makes every effort to corrupt them; it’s not particularly hard. Keep in mind they’re not good people to begin with. She’s someone willing to collaborate with a mind flayer for the sake of taking over an evil organization and he’s one DC 20 persuasion check away from enslaving the city. The devil causes their worst traits to flare up and pitties them against each other.

This results in a power struggle which culminates in the Emperor dominating Stelmane and causing her seizure.

The Shield gets stolen and soon after taken away from the city.

Without Gargauth’s direct influence they (especially the Emperor) realize the fuckup, but the damage has been done.

They recognize the fiend’s influence in this transgression. Emperor starts treating Stelmane, maybe they try to make their relationship how it once was, though it might not be possible.

Emperor gets taken by Gortash and soon after is sent on the Astral Prism heist. Events of Baldur’s Gate 3 happen.

That’s all! Have a meme!

Here’s an extra bit for the interested.

The see-through people gaze is most likely caused by Gargauth’s influence. And before that Wyll says:

Sounds familiar? And from one letter in the game we can learn that Stelmane has a mansion in the Upper City, where the patriar families such as Hhunes reside[2]. Could she be related to Thione-Hhune?

Huge thanks for reading it all! What do you think? Did Larian originally plan to have this side-story of an aftermath of Gargauth’s corruption?

Sources in order of referencing (sorry, I don’t have a better system)

[1] “Descent into Avernus”: p.162, p.174, p.225, p.5, p.40

[2] “Murder in Baldur’s Gate”: p.36, p.51, p.39

[3] “Lords of Darkness”: p.151 (all the info)

[serenestyles]

Pick me up.

Warnings- alcohol consumption, pet names and that's it really. Please let me know if I missed anything.

Summary- You and Harry haven't seen each other in a while, you're both head over heels for each other but neither of you will acknowledge it. You give him a call and he picks you up on his way home.

A/N- This is based on the unreleased song 'Pick me up' because its been stuck in my head for absolutely ages. This took me forever to write, I don't know why. I'm British so we use 'realised' instead of 'realized' etc. This piece is absolutely awful in my opinion but, nevertheless. I hope you enjoy :)

Feel free to send me any asks!🩷

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➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽➽

You sighed as you scrolled through your contacts on your phone, desperately trying to find his name. You and Harry hadn’t seen much of each other in the past few weeks. God, it was nearly a month. You were swamped with work and found yourself working late at the office almost every day. Harry was spending all of his time either in the studio, writing, at the gym or resting. He was exhausted from touring and you knew and respected that. 

You finally found his name in your contacts, Harry with a little pink flower emoji next to it. You smiled as you remembered the day you had changed his contact name to that. He had brought you some pretty pink tulips and taken you to the studio to play you demos of some songs that he had been working on (which had you smiling about it ear to ear for weeks). 

It was a Friday night and you had nothing better to do than lie on your bed and think about the man you so desperately wanted to be with. Your thumb hovered above his name. You contemplated pressing on it for a second until you finally took a deep breath and tapped it. You held the phone to your ear, listening to the first ring. You really weren’t too sure if he was going to pick up or not, you just laid there and hoped for the best. The second ring sounded through your ears, then the third and then the fourth. You were just about to lose hope until halfway through the fifth ring, you heard his voice.

“Hi sweetheart.” A smile graced your lips as a picture of him with his phone to his ear, leaning against the wall with a small smirk on his face popped into your thoughts. 

“Hi Harry. I’m sorry I haven’t called much recently. I’ve been rushed off my feet.” The feeling of guilt washed over your body.

“Don’t apologise. I'm always working, it’s a problem but I stopped as soon as I saw your name pop up on my phone.” Harry let out a breathy chuckle. “I wasn’t expecting a call but, uh, what are you doing right now?” He asked.

“In all honesty, I’m doing absolutely nothing. I was calling to see when you were next free. I’ve missed you.” The last party was said sheepishly compared to the rest of the sentence.

“I’ve missed you too, love. But lucky for you, I’ve just wrapped some things up in the studio so I’ll pick you up on the way home. You can stay at mine tonight.” Harry sounded certain on that and who were you to contradict? The last part of the phone call was a rush, you said something along the lines of ‘Okay, thank you. See you soon H.’ and then you both said your goodbyes. 

As soon as the line went dead, you jumped out of bed. You practically ran over to your wardrobe and pulled the doors open to find something to quickly throw on and grab some things to throw into your overnight bag. You didn’t have to worry about grabbing a toothbrush because you already kept one at Harry’s house. You settled for a pair of leggings and a grey slogan printed sweatshirt to wear since it was quite chilly outside. It was simple but it made you look cute. Harry had always said that you pulled off anything that you wore. 

You waited by the door for a text from Harry to tell you that he was outside. Your nerves had you tapping your foot and running your fingers through your hair. Why were you nervous? It wasn’t as if this was your first time going to Harry’s House. Your phone vibrated in your hand and his name lit up your phone screen. The text read ‘I’m outside. Ready when you are x’. You took one deep breath and walked outside. You saw his car and he turned his head to look at you. He smiled. You swore that you could faint any time you saw that smile. You locked your door and jogged down the steps in front of your house and towards his car. 

After shutting the passenger door and clipping your seat belt in, you felt the air become thicker. You two made small talk and spoke about things that had happened in the time that you hadn’t seen each other. It was then that you realised how seriously busy he had been. 

“You didn’t have to come and get me tonight you know. You could’ve told me how busy you were! I know I said I wanted to see you but I could’ve waited for a few days.” You felt awful. You wished he’d told you to wait until he actually had a free day and had at least taken time to give himself some rest. A smirk tugged at his mouth. “It was my choice to come and get you wasn’t it? It's been a while, that's okay though. Let's be honest, you called me and said you missed me. Of course I wanted to see you as soon as possible so I picked you up. Your house is basically on my way home anyway.” At that point, you questioned why you hadn’t made it official yet. You both so clearly wanted each other. 

You had both silently decided that you were each others after that night that you met. It had been casual for months since then. Neither of you had been with anyone else. You were basically together, you kept a toothbrush at his house, you would spend every night at one of your houses when you were both free and you would buy each other little gifts here and there but neither of you had actually made it official yet. You seriously wondered why but now wasn’t the time to bring it up.

Before long, you found yourself at the familiar door of Harry’s house. Excitement bubbled in your stomach at knowing that in moments you would finally be embraced by the home-y smell and feeling of his home that made you feel at ease instantly once again. 

As you walked in, you took your bag from off of your shoulder and placed it down. Harry walked into his kitchen and leant on the kitchen island, the open plan of his house still allowing him to see you putting your bag down and taking yourself over to him. 

You leant on your elbows at the opposite side of the island to him. You looked into his eyes. “Hi.” He said softly, his eyes creasing with a wide smile on his face. That smile. You were thankful that you were leaning on something that would hold your weight because your legs were honestly about to give out. That man made you so weak and he knew it. He just didn’t know to what extent. 

You two talked. About what? Literally anything and everything. Once Harry had cracked open a bottle of the red wine that he knew you especially liked, you two couldn’t stop chit-chatting. 

You started by reminiscing the times you had been out on little dates and how he had always brought you a bouquet of flowers when he showed up at your door to come and get you. Then the pair of you moved on to talk about all the random things that happened whilst you hadn’t seen each other. And then you let it slip that you’d had multiple fans ask you if you and Harry were a couple when you attended multiple of his shows. He didn’t really ask what you had said in response and had only just given you a smile sweeter than one you had seen all night whilst he let his gaze linger on you for longer than it usually did. From then on, you were too tipsy to recall most of what you had said.

The next thing you remembered was waking up the next morning in Harry’s bed with him. Your limbs were tangled around one another and he had you pulled against him in a tight hug. “Jesus.” you rasped. You saw Harry shift under you and heard him let out a breathy chuckle as you noticed the two nearly empty glasses of wine with the empty bottle of wine stood next to it on the bedside table. “We don’t need any more of that wine any time soon. We need water.” You stated matter-of-factly. When Harry opened his mouth to react, his phone started to vibrate. It wasn’t doing anything to help the great pounding in both of your heads. He frantically scrambled about to find the device whilst groaning at the ache that his entire body felt. “My mother’s calling.” He threw his head back as if he was in realisation of something. “Shit. It's Gemma’s birthday tomorrow and I forgot to pick up the cake that she ordered. I was meant to be there at ten” He swiped to answer Anne’s phone call and let himself fall back against the soft, plush pillows of his bed. You glanced at the clock on his bedside table. It was eleven o’clock already.

You raised yourself up slowly as Harry started speaking and decided to clear away the glasses and bottle of wine that the pair of you have left in the bedroom and tidy up any other mess you two had made throughout the night and into the early morning.

As you had finished cleaning the glasses that you had used and put them away, Harry emerged from his room. He looked unreal. You adored the sleepy smile on his face, the way his locks were all tousled and how his shirtless muscles flexed as he stretched his arms. He made his way over to you and started to speak in a sweet and audible mumble “I need to get ready and go m’love.” All he saw was how you looked over to him, poorly hiding the disappointment behind your eyes. He didn’t even need you to speak. He laced his arms around your waist and rested his chin on your head. “I know sweetheart. I know. I would rather spend most of the day here with you but I’ve got to go get that cake and then I’ve got a meeting at one and after that I’m going to Mum’s house.” You inhaled deeply and took in his scent. It puzzled you how he always smelt good. “When are you free again?” The sadness of your voice was slightly less prominent than you expected. However, you knew that he was a busy man and you were so grateful that he still made time for you. 

He unhooked his arms from you and stepped back so he could see you. “I don’t know, if I’m honest.” He sounded guilty and god, did you hate that. You looked up at him with a smile in an attempt to rid him of his tone. “That's okay. I understand. You’re a busy man H.” He looked down at you and his eyes lit up as if he had had an idea.

“Listen, I’m going to have an insane couple of weeks. I’ve got a load of shit to take care of but after I’ve finished it I’ll take a month off.” You went to protest but he silenced you before words left your mouth by placing both hands on your cheeks. “Don’t try and persuade me otherwise with your little ‘I’d feel awful’ thing. I want to take a month off and I want to spend every single day with you. Hell, I’ll take the rest of my days off if it means being with you” That man would be the death of you, you were sure of it. 

You met his eyes and yours lit up to match his. “Are you sure? You know how awful I’d feel and you’ll be swamped with so much shit to get done once you’ve had your time off.” You were so very clearly happy yet you still couldn’t stop yourself from rambling. Harry laughed. He fucking laughed. You stood there, mouth agape. “I was trying to warn you about how busy you’ll be when you get back to work, you dick.” He laughed again as he watched you shake your head and fight a smirk.

“I couldn’t care less about how busy I’ll be when I get back to work. I just want to spend time with you. I wasn’t laughing about you being concerned either, I just couldn’t help myself when you went on a rant. You are not going to convince me that this isn’t a good idea, okay?” You nodded in response with a massive grin like a Cheshire cat. 

You stood embracing each other for a few more minutes before you went and got a shower and Harry cleaned up the remains of the mess. The shower was refreshing and eased the pain in your head slightly. You changed into the clothes that you’d packed into your bag last night and made your way into the kitchen again. 

Harry had just headed for his shower. You sat yourself on one of the chairs situated around the island and patiently waited for him whilst checking your notifications that you’d missed. You’d had 12 texts from your best friend. Fuck. She definitely thought you were dead and you had some major explaining to do.

Harry emerged from his bedroom in a coral suit with a black button down underneath. Oh, he looked good. “Let me get you home angel.” He smirked before adding “You look good in that outfit y’know.” The blush that spread across your cheeks after was so prominent that you almost felt embarrassed. 

You gathered your things with his help and you both made your way to his car. You were almost disheartened to be going home, you craved more time with Harry but you knew that you didn’t have to wait too long until you had a month with him all to yourself. The drive was spent mostly in comfortable silence filled with the radio with the occasional little words between you .

The car came to a halt and you realised that you were home. You looked over to Harry. “Thank you Har, I’ve really missed you.” He beamed at you.“I’ve missed you too, I seriously have. I promise I’ll give you a call tonight.” He leant in to you and closed the gap between your mouths. It was a short peck yet was filled with emotion. You pulled back coyly. “Bye darling.” He beamed, once again. You said goodbye, grabbing your bag and exiting the car. You turned around and gave him a little wave. He returned it with a wink. You couldn’t comprehend how he kept getting more and more attractive to you as you spent more time with him. You unlocked your door as he drove off. When you entered your house, thoughts of him swam around your head.

You were utterly obsessed with him and you really didn’t know what to do about it.

[sapphic-agent]

Let's Talk About Hazbin Hotel

Just a casual review. Hazbin Hotel's been coming up on my Tumblr dash a lot, and there's been some controversy around it. So I decided to give it a try.

(Note: I haven't engaged with anything that came out before its Amazon Prime debut)

To summarize: it's pretty okay. The animation is great and the songs are bangers. The plot is pretty solid; there are some hiccups but in only eight episodes it does pretty well in world building.

Though I guess that's where we have our first problem. Eight 23 minute episodes doesn't mean a lot of time for our characters to be fleshed out. Sure Angel Dust, Husk, Sir Pentious, Alastor, and even Lucifer get their moments. And don't get me wrong, that's great. But I feel a lot of that could have been geared towards our main characters: Charlie and Vaggie.

Let me just say, I love Charlie and I think she's well-written for the most part. She's flawed, but wants the best for the people around her. And that's great. That being said, it doesn't feel like we've gotten a real deep dive into who she is. What gave her the idea to redeem sinners in the first place? How has she interacted with the people of hell prior to the hotel? We know she helped Vaggie when she was injured, did that come before or after her idea for the hotel?

(If any of this is answered in the pilot, I'm sorry. But there's a good chance new fans like myself didn't watch the pilot either)

The most introspection we get into her character are Husk's offhand comment about her bleeding heart who focuses on others' problems instead of her own and Rosie mentioning her "moxie." And those things are being told to us, not shown to us. It's hard to view her as complex, though I am holding out hope that we'll get more into her in the next season especially with Lilith's inevitable return. I'm eager to see her grow more as a leader.

(I also hope they explore her temper. For me, that's when she's at her most dynamic. Feminine rage ftw)

Now, onto Vaggie.

I'm sorry, but I really can't get into her character at all. She's mean and untrusting and... that's it? Unlike Charlie she doesn't seem to have any defining character traits. No goals or aspirations that don't have to do with Charlie's. And even then, she doesn't display a lot of confidence in her, consistently doubting Charlie's input and even outright refusing that some of the patrons can change. It's like she doesn't actually believe that sinners can be redeemed and only puts effort into the hotel at all for Charlie.

(This isn't a problem with Vaggie per se, but her encouraging Charlie to confront Valentino felt so off to me. She's supposed to be more levelheaded and rational than Charlie, so wouldn't she know that Charlie doesn't really hold that much power? Her and Lucifer are basically figureheads, the Overlords are the ones that really run Hell. Considering she's so distrustful of Alastor, Vaggie would know that right? So why push Charlie into being assertive against one?)

And this is a direct contradiction to what is being told to us about her character. She, as an exterminator, showed mercy to a sinner and paid the price for it. If she believed that the child she spared was worth sparing, she should have some optimism that sinners deserve a second chance. But outside of hyping Charlie up, that's never shown to us.

Even in Scrambled Eggs- an episode that was centered around her- doesn't tell us much about her. Just that she's a semi-competent fighter who learned trust the "hard way." But nothing about her growing closer to the residents- despite being entrusted to teach them trust- just a song about her love and devotion to Charlie.

And I know that this is supposed to be her parallel to Carmilla and that the duet sets up their meeting later. But Vaggie's goals being so focused on Charlie and not the hotel or the residents means that there's such a disconnect here. Carmilla is singing for her daughters (and even Zestial), but it's also for all of Hell. She wants to keep them out of unnecessary war. Her goal has different facets to it while Vaggie's is extremely one-way.

To put it simply: Vaggie is boring.

And it's because of these things that I really can't get into Chaggie. It's... Okay. I guess. There's so little focus on it that outside of the reveal that Vaggie's an angel, it doesn't hold a lot of relevance throughout the show, good or bad. They could have been best friends and nothing would have changed.

If I'm being completely honest, Charlie has more interesting relationships with everyone else: Alastor, Lucifer, Angel, and even Emily who wasn't even on screen with her for that long.

(Unapologetically a RoyalHalo shipper. Also an Emily stan)

Speaking of Emily, I love what they're setting her up for. It seems like she'll either Fall like Lucifer and join Charlie in Hell or take over Heaven from Sera and work with Charlie to bring a better system. Either way, I'm excited for what they'll do with her.

Although I have to say, even though I love You Didn't Know, I do have some things to say about it and the whole trial scene.

As I said, the Hazbin Hotel songs are good. There's no denying that. But a few of them- like YDK- kind of hinder the plot. There's so much going on in this scene- so many important revelations- that it being a song I feel undercuts that. Like Emily finding out about Extermination Day and confronting Sera about it could have used a lot more attention. Her and Charlie aligning themselves together, while freaking amazing to listen to, kind of comes out of nowhere. Even- especially- Vaggie being revealed as an angel to Charlie is a lot less intense being sung through a song.

(It still slaps though)

But a lot of songs also have the opposite effect. More Than Anything, Poison, and Loser Baby convey exactly what they're trying to. You feel the emotion and flaws of these characters, you feel the pure connection/strife.

(Songs like Hell's Greatest Dad and Respectless are for fun and do help move the story along. They also give us a glimpse into the characters. I could do without some of them, especially because that time could be better spent, but they're still fun to listen to and watch. Respectless is so fucking good man)

I'm excited to see more of Lilith and her relationships with Charlie and Lucifer. It's implied during MTA that she was the one fostering the distance between Lucifer and Charlie. I wonder if that was intentional or just through Charlie's/Lucifer's POV. Also, her being gone at the same time Alastor was is definitely hinting at her being the one who has him on a leash.

Sir Pentious in heaven🥹 I don't have a lot to say about it, it just made me happy

All in all... Pretty good. Enough to keep me engaged. Looking forward to the next season👍🏾

[kingofpuppets]

elden ring dlc spoilers

here's my 2 cents about the dlc and the reactions i'm seeing

i have no intention of writing a post analyzing in-depth the lore of the dlc since i've yet to go through every dialogue and item description as i did for base game – anything i were to write now would be incomplete at best – so this is not it. i just wanted to address the overall dissatisfaction i'm seeing from a lot of people. like, as someone who spent weeks after playing the base game reading every single line of text in the game, analyzing each environment, enemy placement and design, seeing the reaction people are having to the dlc lore is quite funny. i get being disappointed a character isn't what you thought they'd be but going so far as to scream "bad writing!" is a bit excessive. i even saw people claiming miyazaki changed the writing to pander to the fans and, seriously? fromsoftware never came close to doing that and there's absolutely no reason for them to start now. but anyways, as i mentioned before i'm a huge lore nerd, the kind with a huge mind map containing nearly all relevant item descriptions, there's nothing in the base game i haven't read, so i think it's safe to say i have a somewhat good understanding of what new lore piece in the dlc contradicts what lore piece in the base game. i'm in no way an authority on the matter – there isn't one – nor am i pointing fingers saying "i'm right, you're wrong" – i just don't understand. i've been through countless different theories before i settled on the ones i entered the dlc with and obviously i wasn't right about everything – especially because a lot of it is speculation not to mention there's not really a right or wrong, only different interpretations of the same materials – but nothing new i encountered contradicted the base game lore i had put together. if anything, it strengthened even more some of my theories. so many people are upset about miquella being the main antagonist or that he's evil (which i completely disagree with, especially some posts portraying miquella as some kind of cartoon villain which is more speculation than anything with actual support from in-game lore), but everything was leading up to it if not in the base game in the dlc (the moment i found miquella's discarded love i figured who the final boss might be, when i found st. trina i was sure). "but the radahn fight comes out of nowhere" maybe there's no direct mentions of it in the base game but it is hinted quite well albeit very subtlety what miquella wanted to do with him in one of the dlc quests – not to mention radahn makes the most obvious sense when you think of miquella/radahn as a parallel to marika/godfrey. and miquella using mohg is not even worth mentioning – i hope my fellow mohg enthusiasts are feeling vindicated, as am i. in short, nothing seemed out of place for me at all. so i was really taken aback when i went into the tags and saw the overall mood. everyone can have different opinions regarding their enjoyment of the dlc nor are there right and wrong theories in a fromsoftware game where the lore is so vague but it's quite upsetting seeing people talk about how "the dlc ruined miquella's character" or "the dlc lore has no connection to the base game" when that's simply not true. if anything, the dlc only added more depth to miquella and even if i was heartbroken at the death of my favorite elden ring character, it made sense thematically. if anything i'm more upset about the fight itself but that's a gameplay problem which is not the focus of the post.

[prismuffin]

A/n: Sorry this is a bit specific- I wanted to write smth for myself that I personally relate to and am dealing with. Made the reader gn so anyone at all can read this if they also relate!

Normal

Steven Grant x asexual(spectrum)!gn!reader

( summary: Steven and you had been together for a few months and he always wondered why you often pulled away from him whenever he tried to get explicitly touchy with you during intimate moments so he decides to ask ) warnings?: angst, pre-established relationship, talks of sex (no actual sex), reader is specifically portrayed to be both placiosexual (meaning they have no problem sexually pleasuring their partner but don't want their partner pleasing them) and cupiosexual ( meaning that the person often wants to experience a sexual relationship but can't for whatever reason) , reader being confronted about their sexual orientation, reader not being completely ok with their sexual orientation! !-!more under the cut!-!

You and Steven had been together for a few months now and everything had been perfect. You knew about Marc, accepted his flaws and quirks, were kind and loving, you were everything he'd needed.

Not too long ago he'd decided to ask you to get a little more intimate, it was clear that you were previously waiting on him to be ready which he appreciated. When the night finally came where you two were intimate it was a bit more one-sided than Steven had thought. It's not like he wasn't satisfied or anything, quite the opposite actually. You'd focused all your attention on him, making him feel good and completely disregarding your own satisfaction. He at first thought it was because it was your first time but now after being intimate with you for a while he realizes how uncomfortable you get with him when he tries to reciprocate any sort of intimate action towards you. Sure things like little love-bites are accepted by you but anything past that you shut down for the most part. It's gotten to a point where he wonders if its just him that you don't want to be intimate with, but the way you treat him, please him contradicts that entirely. So as you sat on the couch in your newly shared apartment he couldn't help but wanna ask.

"Y/n...?"

You hummed as you turned away from the random cooking show that played on the TV to focus on Steven. "Yeah?" You watched Stevens eyes fill with hesitancy as he looked at you. "Uhh, I just- I have a bit of a question.." He stated, speaking a bit quieter as he eyed you cautiously. You nodded, grabbing the remote and turning down the TV. This was obviously important if he's acting this nervous so you decided to give him your full attention. "What's up? Is something wrong?" You turned a bit so that you'd be facing him fully. "Not really, I've just been wondering about something for a while," He fidgeted with his hands before continuing. "I mean, we've been intimate for some time and I love it, I really do, but how come you never really let me..." He trailed off, gesturing between you and him a bit. "Let you...?" You questioned, you had a hunch where this was going but thought it'd be better if he clarified before you jumped to conclusions. "Let me touch you..." Your heart dropped a bit at the question, yup it was what you thought. You suppose that this was gonna come up sooner or later.

You usually only performed oral or manual sex on Steven, never really fully going all the way for your own comfort but you guess it can seem a bit weird after a while to perform only those things. "I...uh..." You hesitated, unsure of just how to go about answering this. You knew you were on the ace spectrum, placiosexual to be specific, but still there was something inside you yearning for a sexual relationship and though you technically have one you want to really feel it. But the thought of letting that happen sickens you. It's been an ongoing battle in your mind for years, you hope you'll eventually "grow out of it" but you haven't had many opportunities to try, anytime you do something in your mind just shuts the whole thing down. "I-I'm sorry, that was insensitive of me- it's ok you don't have to answer-" Steven stuttered out but you were quick to dismiss his worries. "It's fine, it just caught me a bit off guard ya know?" You chuckled dryly, nervously as you swallowed thickly and sighed. "It's uhhh, I'm sorry I'm just a bit...asexual..." Stevens eyes widened at the confession as he inhaled sharply. "Oh bloody hell- I didn't like make you do those things right?"

"No- Steven it's fine I was fine with all of that I swear." You smiled though your eyes held a bit of sadness to them.

"Are you sure? Don't asexuals not like to perform sexual acts like that?" He asked and you nodded. "Some don't sure, but asexuality is a spectrum Steven, I'm not completely uncomfortable with the idea of sex its just uhh it's a bit hard for me to receive any sexual favors." He nodded slowly as he took in your words, not entirely sure on how to respond. "So, how much are you comfortable with?" You hummed at the question, for some reason it made you want to cry though you bit back the thought before anything could show. "Well I'm Placiosexual, which means I'm completely fine with doing sexual acts on my partner, you." He smiled, grabbing your hand as you continued. "But when it comes to receiving those same acts from others I get a bit uncomfortable.." You looked down and he nodded, moving his head lower to catch your eye again. "What's wrong?" "It's nothing I-" "I accept you ya know? This isn't gonna change anything between us I swear." You were silent for a few seconds after that, you'd expect nothing less from Steven but that wasn't entirely the problem. "I know that." "Then what is it?" He rubbed the back of your hand with his thumb and you sighed, not being able to hold yourself back from tearing up a bit. "I just- Sometimes I really envy you." "Envy me?" "Yeah, you can just be ok with stuff that makes me extremely uncomfortable at times." You paused, trying to decide how you wanted to word this to get your point across. "I don't want to be this way all the time, I want to feel comfortable in those moments, to connect with someone like that but I just can't and I've always hated myself for it." You couldn't help the tear that escaped your eye, deciding to just let it fall. "I just wish I was...normal,"

"You are normal." Steven was quick to shut down your negative thoughts.

Looking at him directly you were shocked to see him tearing up a bit. "Steven..." "You're completely normal Y/n, nothings wrong with you, you just have a harder time getting comfortable with those things and that's ok, everyone's different love," "But I don't want to be different!" You choked out, more tears streaming down your face at the confession and he paused. Moving closer to you, he grabbed your face in his hands using his thumbs to wipe your tears as you shut your eyes. Leaning in he softly placed a kiss to your nose before sighing. "Who you are is completely okay love, and if you really want to we can try and take things slow for you alright? But you can't be mad at yourself for feeling the way you feel about something as futile as this." You sniffled, slowly opening your eyes though not looking at him directly. "What you do for me is enough already, I don't need to have sex with you to love you." That seemed to really hit you as you started crying again, moving to hug Steven. He stroked your back as you cried, whispering comforting words to calm your ragged breathing as you held back sobs. "I just don't wanna feel this way forever." You mumbled and Steven hummed, pulling back from the hug to look at you. You tried to wipe your tears but Steven had beat you to it. The small amount of affection making you smile briefly before you sighed. "Like I said before if you really want to try and change it we can take it slow," "I-I don't really know, I mean I want to try but I don't because I know I'll just feel disappointed." Steven offered you a smile as he continued to caress your face, ready to wipe away any stray tears that still fell. "Then we won't. Not unless you're 100% sure you want to try. And even if that day never comes it'll be alright." You were quiet as you took in his words.

Part of you hoped that one day randomly you'd just start to feel ok with it all but you know that's most likely never going to happen. But with Stevens words on your mind you feel a little less bad for feeling this way. Maybe you're not some weirdo after all, maybe you are just a normal person. Even if you never change the way you feel, Steven will still love you and at the end of the day isn't that all you really need?

----!----

( This was once again quite personal to me so I'm sorry that it's like so specific but I needed some comfort so I decided to make my own comfort fic LMFAO )

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