#I just gotta figure out what to do with myself in the meantime...

[shima-draws]

MAN I don’t think I’ve ever had art block this bad. It’s at the point where even sitting at my computer thinking about opening a canvas to draw just puts my brain in “Shima.exe has stopped responding” mode. I know I haven’t been doing art recently anyway but now I’ll just make an official announcement and say I’m going on an art hiatus for a while. At least until I can kick this lol

[torukmaktoskxawng]

Headcanons if Avatar!Grace lived and raised Kiri alongside the Sullys and adopted Spider:

"Jake Sully, I know damn well that you didn't just ground your son for recklessness! 'You wanna hear about reckless? How about the time you taunted a baby hammerhead titanothere and its mother before being chased into the jungle by a Thanator like the asshat you are."

Spider is depressed because Neytiri has yet to warm up to him. Grace gathers him up like he's still a baby and since she's a Na'vi and he's a human, it's so easy to do: "Give her some time, kiddo. Neytiri has lost more than most to the Sky People. In the meantime, go find your sister. I think she's been wanting to show you her newest verse in her songcord."

"Neteyam, sometimes you gotta just ignore your father. He's a jarhead. No. I'm not telling you what that means."

Kiri when she's vocal about her insecurities and how she feels different from everyone else. Grace silently listens before saying: "You hear Eywa? Normally, I would call you crazy from a scientist's perspective... but after what Eywa has done for me... After she saved all that I am in this body while the human one died, and after she gave me you, I don't think it sounds as crazy anymore. You're a miracle, baby. My sweet little miracle. You and your brother are so special, and any moron who says otherwise must have a death wish."

Ever watch Once Upon a Time? Remember this scene between Regina and Emma? ⤵️

Quaritch: He's my son-!

Grace: HE'S NOT, HE'S MINE!

"Jake, Lo'ak came to me traumatized because he walked in on you and Neytiri."

Jake: It was an accident. But at the same time, he can't just walk in without announcing himself.

"No? Huh. That's funny. Hey, I think Norm should go talk to your son about the time you wheeled in on him and Trudy--"

Speaking of Norm, Grace has a hard time being able to fit herself in their portable biolab due to the size so Norm and Max build a large greenhouse and lab meant for Grace's new height difference. They can't change the fact that the microscopes are still too small for her hands, however.

"If my hands weren't capable of crushing the damn thing I would've done it myself instead of letting you idiots tamper the samples with your saliva AGAIN."

She still teaches all the village kids how to speak English among other human customs. A new school is built in the mountains and Tuk is her best student, obviously.

Grace vocally admits she prefers Jake in a wheelchair because he was easier to push around. To which Jake responds: "Woman, you know damn well you still push me around."

Here's some more angst: Kiri and Spider are arguing and I believe this scene comes from the live action Mowgli movie:

Kiri: You're my best friend, Spider. I understand what it's like for no one to want you. I don't have any friends neither. But we have each other and we're like the same--

Spider: We're not the same.

Kiri: We are. Because- you're special, and I'm special--

Spider: WE'RE NOT SPECIAL! Don't you get it?! We'll never be one of them! We're freaks! You're not special, Kiri! It's just something Mom tells you to make you feel better about yourself BECAUSE YOU CAME OUT WRONG!

(Side note: Wow. I just made myself cry.)

Grace would be beside herself. She's trying to comfort Kiri after the fight and trying to figure out what to do with Spider. She knows she should ground him, but at the same time, she knows where he's coming from and why he finally snapped. With Quaritch hunting them and likely trying to take Spider back, the boy is beyond stressed on top of still trying to fit in.

Lo'ak ended up being the one who got Kiri and Spider to make up after giving each other the silent treatment for a week. Lo'ak understood them better than Grace ever could.

Grace, with Rotxo, probably: If you break my daughter's heart, then I'll break your tail.

Jake is trying to get his whole family to behave alongside the Metkayina so that they could stay there and not get kicked out. He didn't realize he'll have to make GRACE AUGUSTINE behave on top of that.

Ronal and Grace have MAD respect for each other you can't convince me otherwise.

I NEED to see Avatar!Grace riding a skimwing with the brightest smile on her face that would be so amazing.

Tsireya buddies up to her immediately, sticking to her side like glue and asking a hundred questions, usually followed by "Can I take Kiri and Spider swimming?"

Ao'nung keeps a good several feet between himself and Grace. He's suspicious and she straightens him out with one glare, ESPECIALLY after he bullied her kids around for being freaks.

Grace even got Tonowari to laugh when she came dragging his son home by the ear for talking rudely to her.

Grace is like a second mom to Neytiri when they're so far away from home.

And finally:

"I'm too old for this bullshit."

Please reblog and add your own headcanons! I need more Grace

[shopcat]

On a Tuesday afternoon, Steve announces, with no drama at all, "I'm going to kill myself."

Dustin spins around to face him so cartoonishly fast that Steve kind of expects a Looney Tunes-style sound effect to follow. "What? Don't say that," he says, voice pitching up high like it gets. "Don't say that!"

Somewhere to their left from the tucked-in, cozy depth of the Henderson's new kitchen, Steve hears the echo of Lucas's laugh.

Lucas gets him.

Steve turns, hair flopping, and screws his face up at the world's saddest baby cow impressionist standing above him. He's lying on the floor of their carpeted lounge, lazing like a cat in a sunbeam. Man, Mews 2 has it all figured out, if you think about it.

He can't remember what the invitation was originally headlined as – like most days lately, they kind of just want to make excuses to hang around each other and cling on like little freaky leeches and the starring act tends to be whatever bullshit they manage to get up to in the meantime. It’s in that codependent way that he hopes is endearing, and a healthy coping mechanism of solidifying bonds and not, like, weird. Dustin was like, "come over, you graduated a Scoops alum, we can make sick sundaes!" but they've just been lying around (literally!) waiting for that little unreliable shit second-act Wheeler to turn up with the supplies he said he would totally have covered, totally!

"Sorry, bud," he says and laughs like ah, what can you do? "I know you see me as like a– like, some sort of an older sister slash, ah, father figure, and this will be hard for you–"

Dustin moves to kick him, going right for his softest bits. "Hey!" Steve yelps, jolting away instinctively, ending up rolling around on the carpet. "You're such a bully!"

"Dickhead!" Dustin argues, "You're a dickhead!"

He's really getting out of control. "Be nice to me!" Steve whines and presses his face into the scratchy rug he landed on. He can feel the vibrating scrape-scrape of Dustin's shoes tapping around his head. "You gotta be nice to me. This isn't how you should be responding to someone who's trying to open up, you know, mentally–"

"Mentally?" Dustin cries over him. "You'd need a goddamn brain!"

Steve cracks an eye open. "You're a little fucker," he says like it's a compliment. "You want me to come up there? That window is pretty close, you know. And you're a little guy," he pinches his fingers together with a little impish squint of his eye.

"Cliché! Gonna throw me out the window, you goon? Or what, is it assisted suicide now?" Dustin blusters and scoffs, but he shrieks when Steve hauls himself up using the window ledge. Steve gives him a look like hey, c'mon, because hey, c'mon, tells him, "That's just straight up murder, dude."

Dustin huffs, hands on his hips, and there’s a little phantom tap on Steve's shoulder pointing out his sudden similarity to Mrs Henderson, which: cute.

"Ah, look, I'm just messing around with ya," Steve apologises, hand settling on the ledge and leaning back. "It's not a big deal. I get job rejections all the time. Worse comes to worst... we can set up a lemonade stand or some shit. Or like, walk dogs." He swirls his wrist around nebulously.

"You don't like dogs," Dustin argues.

Steve grins. "I put up with Munson, don't I?"

Dustin gasps, then laughs, then gasps again like he can't believe he betrayed his little friend. Or like, his big friend. Whatever. "You have something dark and twisted in your mind," he tells Steve solemnly, and Steve cackles. "And you're a– a little B-word, because you don't want to look for jobs without Robin holding your hand. Ha! Or, actually, your," Dustin looks around conspiratorially at exactly no one, then mouths: "Dick!"

Steve stares at him. Huh. Well, ew. "B-word? You mean, like... bitch?" he whispers, mocking, then pulls up. "Also, ew."

"What do you mean ew?!" Dustin exclaims, throwing his arms up. "Dude! Robin's a totally rockin' babe! Also, yes, the frickin' B-word. I respect women now, man."

"Wh– now?" Steve laughs out, shaking his head. "Like you didn't before? Also, don't look at me like that! It's ew because I don't want you talking about that stuff! It's gross!" He makes a little eurgh gesture as he says it.

"Also, are you fifty? Who says rockin'?" he goes on, sneering a little on the edge of too meanly. "I can't be the only one seeing the irony here that you just totally disrespected a woman, like, just now. Like not even a second ago!"

Dustin pulls a face at him, 'cause Steve's the one being unreasonable. "Robin's not a woman, Steve. She's a beautiful creature-girl starving among the toxic, governmental backwash fuelled, boot-licking sheeple we call Americans. And she doesn't say the B-word either."

This kid. Also, not even true – he's pretty sure Robin was the one who kept writing "bitch boy" on his fifth-draft resumé under "life skills". That or like, the librarian Hopper hopped on is mean as hell in a super unexpectedly wounding and targeting way.

"Munson is teaching you bad words! Naughty, naughty fucking words!" Steve yelps, feeling weirdly like he’s being a grass or something. "What happened to being American heroes, huh?" The question, with a voice rasping like a drowned man, is directed to the slowly spinning ceiling fan.

Dustin grumbles something nasty that's definitely naughtier and definitely another tried and true Eddie-ism in the syllable count alone. Steve ignores him bravely, flopping down onto the couch and stirring up the same sort of warm perfumey smell Mrs Henderson favours. He slides down 'til he's comfy and crumpled up. Mews 2, who up until now was dozing on the knit-cover cushion, is in dire need of being scooped into his arms and held like a wittle baby.

"Anyway," Steve sighs. "Enough with the Robin stuff. There is no Robin stuff, I told you. It's just hard to find part-time hours right now, ever since, y'know."

"Y'know," Dustin repeats solemnly, nodding. He rocks back and forth on his heels, making the red afternoon sunbeam coming through the window shift and flick across the room. Steve shoves his face into the cat's fat little belly, sighing through fur and domestic cushion smell.

"Maybe I can sling ice cream again," he suggests, muffled, "It's not that hard. Actually, it's not hard at all." He lifts his head, scrunching his nose up. "And I probably don't have to wear a dumb little outfit at, like, Dairy Queen."

In the kitchen, Lucas drops something that skitters around in a way that can’t be good for the new French tile. He doesn't know what they're cooking in there, exactly, but through hearing Lucas knocking about like he's tripping on dustbunnies (like his Grandpa Otis would say, 'cause old people are always just inventing crazy shit to say) he can deduce it's something messy and/or gnarly. He also knows Max is nursing some sort of herbal tea because of the five-minute argument over, like, the amount of sugar she takes he listened to unashamedly before. Totally not the dramatic teen drama sesh he thought it’d be when he initially tuned in, though.

The drawers have ceased crashing open and shut in that grating, teenaged way – ambient noise for the single mothers and Adderall-soaked babysitters of the world – so he assumes whatever culinary delight it is is wrapping up.

He thinks to himself, with a fond little tug at his dumb bleeding heart, that Lucas has known how Max likes her fancy Californian tea for years now. He’s just like, like that.

In his peripheral, Dustin beams and crashes down next to him – hey – and tells him: "I loved your little outfit. Everyone loved your little outfit. The little outfit made the job. It was... cute! And, you were totally kickass and beat the shit out of a Soviet guard in that outfit!"

"Yeah," Steve suffers out. "It was pretty awesome. But I think I got zero play for a reason. And I'm all game!"

That uniform rode up like crazy, too, and not even in the kind of like, coy and coquettishly sexy way that he’d like to believe he could pull off if given the chance. He always felt like one, too-quick popping of a squat to grab another weird sticky bag of caramel topping from the storage closet would split the seam hole to pole. (Hole to hole?). Plus, according to the magazine he read forty minutes ago on the floor of Robin’s bedroom, that shade of blue so didn’t go with his skin tone. He’s an Autumn.

"Well, you'd have to wear a dumb hat again at DQ," Dustin points out, because he hates him. "And, gross. Don't gross me then– then gross yourself."

Steve carefully flattens Mews 2's ears down with his palms, then exclaims, "That hat!" He groans. "Gag me with a spoon, I think I really would kill myself if anyone saw me in that thing again. All I was missing is a fruity little lollipop."

He sees Dustin's eyebrows rise and the way he repeats fruity to himself quietly. "You are getting way more homophobic lately, Steve. And you're a misogynist," he declares, all puffed up.

What!

"What!" Steve splutters. "I'm not misogynist! I love women. And girls. All women, and girls, and ladies a-and moms. I love your mom! Okay– sorry. I got flustered."

He rubs the bridge of his nose with pinched fingers. "Also, I meant, like, fruity like strawberries and cream, not, like, a strawberry with, y'know... cream," He adds coyly with a little eyebrow wiggle.

Dustin sits there for a moment, then goes a little red and starts laughing, which makes Steve feel, like, nice. It's always a little thrilling when he can actually get any of these kids to laugh, for some reason.

"Shut up! This is what I'm talking about!" Dustin complains.

Steve turns his head, hiding the slip of his smile in the couch he's pillowed into. "I'm not homophobic, man," he tells him, trying to really show he's earnest through tone alone. Honestly, the very la-a-st thing he needs is Henderson actually believing this in one way or another, if not for his own lavender coated, closeted well-being then for the integrity of their weird little friendship. "You know that. If you ever catch me being actually homophobic you're allowed to fucking, I dunno, just kill me dead. Outsource it to Nancy or something. Or, hey, Mike!" he says, bringing his head up with his aha! moment accompanied by a click of his fingers.

"Mike?" Dustin repeats, acting out one of his exaggerated jeez, this fucking guy! routines, flapping his arms around like crazy. "First of all, if I was outsourcing your murder – which I can't buh-lieve this conversation has come back to, by the way – Mike would be last on my list."

Well that’s a little mean, maybe. Steve looks him up and down and decides to really ham up his disbelief. He clutches Mews to his chest all dramatic, like a fuzzy pearl necklace. "Why? Because you wanna murk me yourself? You're sick, dude!" he says.

"No!" Dustin shoves him, and Steve repeats, "si-i-ick!" until he shoves him again.

"I could never assassinate you, Steve. We're brothers in arms. You'd have to, like, be really evil. And even then, it'd have to be really evil stuff. No, I've thought about this," – and he ignores Steve, going up three octaves, You've thought about this?! – "You're forgetting we actually know a superpowered death weapon who can explode your mind into goo in like, uh, a nanosecond. But, well, El likes you too much…" He clicks his tongue like, darn.

This is kind of news to Steve. He's always gotten the impression that El, while cute as a button and much like some sort of fucked up amalgamation of this adorable, curly-headed baby deer and velociraptor, didn't think of him in any sort of particular way. But maybe he's always been too busy feeling that weird mix of genuine fear and genuine aw whenever he's around her to really focus on like, the dynamics.

Dustin is saying, "I don't know if Robin would do it, but she probably knows you the best so she'd be able to figure out the perfect way. And she'd be really nice about it, too, because of your big, freaky bond. But that wouldn't stop her," he book-ends, nodding sadly.

"It wouldn't," Steve says with a sappy smile. He loves her, not that he'd ever admit that outside of his like, car. She'd probably lace his favourite drink with something, then freak out that he wouldn't feel like peach-flavoured iced tea that day, and end up lacing his whole fridge. Then it wouldn't even be poison, it'd just be like, sleeping pills, and she'd just put a pillow over his head. Slit his throat with a freshly plucked thorn from a rose, or something. Or, maybe she'd just go super-crazy-murder and cut him up like the fancy cheese her mom likes.

"Mike could snag a piece from Nance's stash," Steve suggests, to attempt to derail where he knows this is going, and because he kind of believes this, really. The ka-chik finger gun gesture he does stops Dustin from talking about whatever he was saying about Max throwing his body in the quarry "like, for the irony" just to shriek until his voice cracked.

"Why are you so caught up on Mike?" Dustin slaps his hands down. "Mike would shit his pants!"

"He's got hidden depths," Steve protests, feeling weirdly protective now. It's not Mike's fault he's sixteen or whatever. Plus, he's got a shit dad, too. Steve likes Mike. "He's loyal," he nods, like he's convincing himself now, gesturing with a closed fist, thumb folded like a politician would. "If someone needed to take me out, he wouldn't want anyone else to get blood on their hands. He thinks about that stuff!"

Dustin's got his face smooshed in his hands, but he's sunk down into the couch alongside him by now, pressed against his side. Steve's warm at every angle, sandwiched between a boy and his cat. "He wouldn't do it. He's squeamish. He'd only do something like that for, well, Will, probably?" And that's a little interesting. "No, no, Mike wouldn't do it. But Eddie would."

"Munson?" Steve gapes. "No way, man! It took two months to clear his name for a murder he didn't even do! And that was with grodie government guy help, too!"

Dustin waves him off. "No, listen. Listen! The aftermath isn't in play here, okay? Eddie would kill you so-o-o good, no questions asked. He's got the means, he'd have the motive, he's bigger than you–"

"Oh, get real, you know that's a lie!"

"– he's scrappy, and! He'd like it." Dustin finishes, leaning in and slapping it down like a period on a sentence, and something fizzy oozes around Steve's insides, and, uh. Suddenly he remembers the way, last Fall, that a shattered beer bottle was held to his neck instead of "hello," and now he’s a little on edge, he thinks. Is it being on edge when you’re like flushed and squirmy? And scared? But like, nervous-scared? Like, why does the thought of Eddie not liking him make him want to throw his guts up?

Steve clears his throat. (Is it like butterflies? Or something?) "Okay, you're crazy," he says. "Are you saying Munson hates me, now? Or is this some sort of, like, my dad can fight your dad thing?”

Dustin flushes and says no emphatically, but Steve doesn't fully believe him. "I'm not saying he hates you. I'm just saying he's your best bet. And that he'd think it was super punk rock. It's like, y'know, cemeteries. He'd turn your skull into a bowl or something."

"What do you mean it's like cemeteries?! Also, that's not even punk, it's like, goth," Steve corrects, a little too quick to not be suspicious, but barely thinking about it all the same. "Plus, you're saying he doesn't hate me, but now you're actually making me feel worse about it. Munson doesn't hate me! He likes me!" Steve's eyes widen, a little comically, and now his heart picks up oddly, and he looks into Dustin's eyes like the man starved for validation he is. "Wait, Dusty. Eddie likes me, right? Right?"

Dustin's smile turns strained and ends kind of serial-killery, which fits the conversation but doesn't pan out well for Steve, predictably. "Um," he starts, slowly, and carefully says, "Okay, you seem to be freaking out. Don't freak out."

"What do you mean, don't freak out!" Steve picks at it, feeling totally justified here – he's been hysterical before, he feels pretty entitled to screaming and crying in response to the occasional state of the world that seems to try to eat him as the worst bi-annual event ever, and he feels this is almost tantamount to that. Almost. And he’s nervous! "You just told me Eddie Munson actually wants to knife me!"

"That's not what I said," Dustin protests quickly, placing a hand on his shoulder, soothing, and tells him, all smiles, "I said he'd be happy if he had to."

"I thought we were friends!" Steve whines. "I gave him an apple last week and he said thank you, that's significant! It's friends! We're totally friends!"

Dustin says, "Steve, Eddie's allergic to apples," in that obnoxious tone of his, and the last of Steve's sanity is smothered in its sleep.

[fangirlingfromdownunder]

A.P.U Comfort

Summary - Part 18 in the Comfort series

Pairing - Dean Winchester x Reader, Reader x Sam (platonic), Reader x Bobby (father-figure)

Warnings - mentions of miscarriage

Series Masterlist | Masterlist

A/N - G’day guys, I just wanna start by thanking you for all the likes, reblogs and follows since my last post, I really appreciate it. I hope you like this one too. Beware though, this one is a little longer than usual – I got a little carried away as I had a particular episode in mind that I wanted to rewrite for this situation. The GIF below is a major hint at what we're diving into. Until next week, enjoy! 

Meanwhile in Sioux Falls…

“I don’t know what to do, Bobby. I don’t know how to help her feel better when I don’t know how to shut off the pain myself. She’s a shell of herself…I just want to see her smile again. She would’ve been an amazing mother, you know.”

“For a start, you don’t shut it off. You share it. You confide in your girl. Let her confide in you. ‘Cause you’re no better. Sam said it’s like living in a morgue and now I can see for myself what he means. You will both be great parents when the time is right. Neither of you is the type to give up on anything when it comes to helping others, you just need to apply that same passion to yourselves and each other.”

“How?”

“You love her and you let her love you. In the meantime though let’s go see what Jody claims is so urgent.”

They gear up and get into the Impala and drive 20 minutes to a cafe in Hartford, where Jody had said to meet her. 

“Howdy boys, thanks for meeting me.”

“Anything for you, Sheriff,” Bobby says as he exits the car. 

“Hey, Jody.”

“Hey Dean, glad to see you’re holding up okay. If you and Y/N ever need a home-cooked meal or company be sure to drop in. I’m here for both of you.”

“Thanks, I’ll be sure to let her know when I get home. So, what’s the case?”

“This is a small town. Only crime to speak of being the occasional cow tipping. Then last week...four people go missing.”

“All right, so, what makes you think this is our kind of weird?” Dean asks

“I've got a witness who says he saw someone lift an S.U.V. to nab a girl last night. Now, normally, if somebody would tell me that one guy lifted an S.U.V., I'd tell him to take a flying leap, but after what I've seen…”

“Nothing's impossible,” Bobby says.

“Uh-huh.”

“And this matches up with the other missing how?” Dean asks.

“Well, four abductions, strong evidence left at every scene -- literally,” Jody says as she pulls out a folder full of photos and case reports and spreads them out on the table between them.

“So, the first vic was a pastor?” Bobby confirms.

“Yeah. The door of his study was punched in. And then, the next two…an engaged couple.”

“Locked bedroom window was ripped open,” Dean reads out.

“Mm-hmm. And then we have our waitress here with the topsy-turvy ride.”

“Any other connection among them?” Bobby asks.

“Yeah. They were all members of Good Faith church here. My, uh, my church group back in Sioux Falls was in a tizzy over it.”

Dean gives her an inquisitive look and says, “I didn't peg you for churchy.”

“Yeah. You know… all this stuff I’ve seen recently kind of makes a higher power seem relevant.”

“Okay, so, we have, uh, missing church folk and super strength. Maybe angels harvesting vessels? Could be a Buddy Boyle type thing,” Bobby says.

“Wh-- angels? You're joking.”

“Don't get your pants on fire. They suck,” Dean says, “you said there was a witness?”

“Yeah, well...more or less.”

“We’ll be needing to meet him,” Bobby states.

Jody scribbles an address down on a napkin and slides it across the table to Bobby, “This is where you’ll find him. Not sure how reliable he’ll be. Anyway, I’ve gotta get back to work. Good luck, and keep me updated,” she says as she gets up and makes her way out of the cafe.

Dean and Bobby tidy up the files and head back out to the Impala and drive to the address Jody gave them. They walk up to an alley filled with makeshift tents and trolleys full. They walk around the back of a restaurant and find a messy-looking man sitting on the ground leaning against the brick wall. They clear their throat and flash their fake FBI badges at him.

Dean takes a seat on the couch the man led them to and says, “So, tell us about this missing girl you reported.”

“Honor. Her name was Honor. Nice girl. Always left me meatloaf.”

“Why don't you tell us what you saw that night?” Dean says.

“I heard a big noise, got woke, and there's somebody over there lifting a car up.”

“And did you happen to see who it was?” Dean asks.

“I was too far. But I saw a light go off.”

“A white light?” Bobby asks

“Blue. Blue like fire. But not. Then she was…she wasn't there.”

“Could you think of anything else?” Bobby asks.

“No.”

“Okay. Well...thank you for your time,” they both say as they stand up and see themselves out. 

As they get into the Impala Bobby says, “Okay. So, no white light.”

“No angel. So Jody said that they were all part of the same church?”

“Yeah.”

“Ready to get your worship on?” With that, Dean pulls out into the street and speeds off towards Good Faith Church in the centre of town. He pulls into a park in front of the large religious building. They take in the multicoloured stained glass windows showcasing stories of the bible as they walk through the heavy wooden doors. A short lady with shoulder-length blonde hair welcomes them.

“Welcome to Good Faith Church, I haven’t seen you at our services. Are you new to town?”

“Something like that,” Bobby says as he shakes her hand.

“Well then, can I interest you in a tour?”

“Sure,” Dean says with a nod.

They follow her around the halls of the chapel and listen as she tells them stories of their faith. At the end of the tour, she leads them into an office and offers them to take a seat. “We hope you enjoyed the tour. Any questions before we get you boys registered?”

“Uh, yeah, look, Ms Futchko,” Bobby says.

“Oh, please... Bonnie will do just fine.”

“Bonnie. Okay, we...love the church. We do. But...Well, we've heard that a few members have gone missing, and, to be honest...that kind of scares us.”

“Let me assure you, with our increased security, Good Faith has never been safer. And those people who have gone missing, well, they are front and centre in our prayers.”

“What a relief. Now, you must have been, uh, close to them,” Dean cuts in.

“Well, we do share the A.P.U. bond.”

“The A.P.U.?” Dean asks.

“Our chastity group...‘Abstinence Purifies Us.’”

“Oh. W-wow. You mind if we sit in on that, maybe see if it's for us?” Bobby asks.

“I'm afraid it's members only. I'm sorry, but it can get pretty personal.”

“Then count us in,” Bobby says.

“Well. I'll be a squirrel in a skirt. I'll be back in a jiff with the papers.” Bonnie walks out of the office to collect the papers, leaving Dean and Bobby sitting alone.

“A chastity group?” Dean asks.

“Dean, listen, if all the members were in A.P.U., then maybe whatever took them is stalking virgins.”

“And that Slim guy said he thought he saw fire. So, what are you thinking, dragons?”

Bonnie returns with two clipboards interrupting them. “All righty. You can just sign there, and your purification can begin.”

“Purity pledge?” Bobby reads out.

“It's a commitment to your virginity.”

“I don't think we can really un-ring that bell. You know what I mean?” Dean states with a smirk.

“Oh. I see. Well... If you just ask for God's forgiveness for your sins and make a new vow of chastity, well, then, you'll be born again as a virgin in his eyes.”

“So, you just hit the "virginity do-over" button, and all is good with the man upstairs?” Dean asks.

“It's not a button. And...this isn't just a piece of paper. I mean, this is your clean slate, your chance to be a virgin until marriage.”

“You know what, I’ve had my shot. Been married and all that, so I’m out. But you’re recently engaged, might be the perfect time for you. Sure your girl would be thrilled with the prospect of a pure white wedding,” Bobby says handing back the clipboard unsigned.

“Well, you had me at clean slate. Let's do this,” Dean says as he signs his name and hands back the clipboard.

“Congratulations, Dean Winchester. You are now a virgin.”

Dean gives her a tight smile and glances at Bobby. Bonnie takes the clipboards and leaves to start setting up the session. 

“You think Y/N will forgive me for this?”

“Depends…you planning on honouring your pledge?”

“As you said, it might be just what we need right now. Gives me more incentive to get her in that white dress already. Clean slate, new plan, the start of a happy future for us.”

“Alright. Well, you go get pure. I’m gonna hit the library.”

Dean hands Bobby the keys to the Impala and makes his way to the room Bonnie had shown them earlier where the meetings are held. When he enters the room he sees a group of women setting up folding chairs in a circle and laying out trays of food and coolers on a couple of folding tables along one wall. He helps set up the chairs before they all take a seat.

One of the ladies claps her hands and looks around the circle smiling. “Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Suzy. I thought we'd begin with a silent prayer for our missing friends.”

Everyone closes their eyes in a silent prayer except for Dean who is still watching everyone. After a moment he joins in and ducks his head quietly.

“Amen. Now, does anyone have anything that they would like to share?” Suzy asks. “Why don't we hear from our new friend? Dean, what brought you here to reclaim your virginity?”

“Uh, hard to say, exactly. Yeah. Sex has always felt, I don't know, good, you know? I mean, really, really good. But, uh...Sometimes, it just makes you feel bad, you know? But, you know, when you get down to it, what's the big deal, right? I mean, sure, there's the touching and the feeling all of each other, my hands everywhere, tracing every inch of her body, the two of us moving together, pressing and pulling...Grinding. Then you hit that sweet spot, and everything just builds and builds and builds until it all just...Yeah. Uh...But the whole thing was just a little too, uh...sticky. So, uh, I got my V card back. The end.”

The meeting continues with an air of discomfort after Dean’s confession. Dean watches everyone intently for the rest of the meeting. Once it’s over he helps tidy up the chairs and create small talk with some of the ladies to search for leads. 

He makes his way over to the leader, Suzy and says, “Hey, Suzy right? Great meeting. But I uh, I gotta say you look so familiar.”

“Yeah, I-I'm pretty sure we've never met, Dean.”

“Alright.”

“Wait, you're new in town, right?”

“Uh, yeah. New to town. New to this whole chastity thing.”

“Well, I provide individual counselling. If you ever need to talk.”

“So, everybody in the group, they dish to you?”

“They confide. Abstinence is – it's really rough without support and education. Hey, you know what? I have some great books on the vow that really helped me. I-I live close. I'll just go grab them.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. With a, uh, with a kidnapper on the loose?”

“No, I'll be fine.”

“Tell you what, why don't I walk with you just to be safe, okay?”

“Alright, if you insist.”

They walk side-by-side back to her apartment. When she opens the door for them she says, “Make yourself comfortable.”

Dean watches as she takes off her hoodie leaving her just wearing a camisole. She sits down on her couch with her back to Dean. His cell phone rings, but he declines it quickly. He approaches Suzy on the couch and notices that she is crying.

“I can't stop thinking about my friends. I'm so scared for them. Will you pray with me, Dean?”

“Sure.” She takes his hand in her own and bows her head. Dean lightly squeezes her hand and awkwardly bows his head in response. 

After a while, she gains her composure and stands up abruptly. “Well, I’ll get you those books. Just give me one minute.”

Dean gives her a soft, awkward smile and stands up. He looks around the room. He sees a drawer slightly cracked open. He opens the drawer wider and in shock pulls out two Casa Erotica DVDs. His phone rings again, and when he sees the caller ID he’s quick to answer.

“Hey, sorry I left without saying anything, I had to come help Bobby with something.”

“I know, it’s fine. I just need to ask you something,” Y/N says over the phone.

“Shoot,” Dean says as he places the DVDs on the cabinet and makes his way into the hall.

“Is there more to our relationship than sex?”

“What makes you ask that?”

“Just tell me the truth, Dean.”

“Of course. You make me feel safe, happy, and hopeful. All feelings I haven’t felt since I was four. You make me want to be a better man. You give me a reason to live and fight harder to get to the other side of this dangerous, messy life we lead. You make me believe there is a way out. I don’t tell you every day, even though I should, but I love you.” He looks back at the door briefly, the images from the DVDs filtering through his mind distracting him. “I just…since you lost the baby…I guess I’ve felt lost. Like maybe there isn’t a way out or a future for us.”

“Dean…don’t say that.”

“You wanted the truth…I knew I never should have got my hopes up. You let me believe and then you let me down, again.”

“Don’t you dare blame me! I wasn’t sure either, and you’re the one that convinced me! You’re the one that told me it would be okay. I know you’re hurting, Dean, but so am I.”

“Hunters just aren’t meant to have relationships or families or futures.”

“Dean, baby, please. That’s not true.”

“Look around, sweetheart, it is.”

When the line goes silent he puts his phone away and goes back into Suzy’s apartment.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Tag list: (Leave a like or comment on this post or let me know below if you want to be added to the tag list for this series)

@bitchwitch1981, @muhahaha303, @justrealizedimmascifygurl, @mcdowell-123, @leigh70, @marvelsmarauder, @losa12308, @tapedeck-hearts, @luvjaida, @peachtxa, @ambearsstuff, @shadow-of-a-cloud, @slut-for-buck, @iprobablyshipit91, @sassy-pelican

[rottenshotgungames]

This one is less about the game itself and more about my personal struggles with it

Dev Blog: Maps

I’m currently deep in the trenches of writing the next Footfall adventure and I’m running into the same wall over and over again: I didn’t design Footfall for me to enjoy running it, I designed it for me to enjoy playing it. I’ve never been great at creating fleshed-out interior maps, and I’ve never really lived in a dense, urban environment. I’m inexperienced with what it takes to run this kind of environmentally interactive stealth action, and I think it shows in the current lack of GM advice on the subject.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s gonna be a step-by-step procedure for making areas, and advice on what-to-do and what-not-to-do and all that good junk . . . I just gotta figure it out first, and that means running my game even more than I already have. More than that, it means publishing a larger adventure with a bunch of premade maps. I need solid example material, for readers and for myself.

As it stands, I have a vague idea of how that step-by-step is gonna look, I just gotta put it to work and iron out the kinks. Hopefully you’ll see Nos o Trawsnewid (the new adventure) in a few months, and hopefully I’ll be able to start implementing more GM chapters after it releases (probably gonna be the big 0.2.0 update).

In the meantime, thank you so much to everybody who has downloaded Footfall and given it a read. It means a lot to me that it’s hit over 170 downloads. If you haven’t yet, I would love some feedback in the comments on the itch page or in my discord server. If you have any questions about Footfall, you can ask them in the aforementioned places, or on here if you’d prefer; I’ll get around to addressing any confusion or concern as soon as I get the opportunity to do so.

Once more, I hope you have a great night and a great day

[ivystoryweaver]

Decadent chapter 12

prev || Fic Masterlist || My Masterlist || next

Summary: Miguel loves you, but will he actually feed and accept himself the way you do?

Pairings: Miguel O'Hara x f!reader

Word Count: 3.5k

Content: nsfw, 18+ , cursing, blood consumption, scratching, wounds, dry humping, hand job, p in v, self-worth probs, not beta'd

PREVIOUSLY on Decadent...

“You love me?” He whispered, his eyes wide as his lungs tripped over the next few breaths he attempted to take.

“Yes,” you tearfully laughed out. “Yes, isn’t it obvious? I love you so much.”

Miguel’s eyes glistened as he touched his forehead to yours. “I wasn’t sure. I could only hope that this was more than just…” Pressing a sweet kiss to your mouth, he stopped his own rambling. “I love you too.”

This was it.

Miguel had actually agreed to feed.

You were alone with him, in the lab. You had drawn blood from your own arm (not in his presence) and Miguel was going to drink it, still warm and fresh.

He didn't want you to be hurt or cut, so this was what he was willing to try. And he worried that if he was near you while the blood was being drawn, that the temptation to....well - attack you? Might present itself.

As soon as you handed him the container of blood, his eyes flashed bright red and he jerked it out of your grasp.

"Do you have to watch me do this?" He asked, his lips pulling into a pout.

"Clinically, yes - "

You didn't need to say more before he drank the whole thing in one greedy gulp. When he was done, he set the container down and licked his lips clean, his hungry eyes finding yours.

"I know it's probably not enough, but we can do it again," you explained to him, stepping closer to examine him. "How are you feeling?"

"No, stay back," he warned, pushing off the stool he'd been resting on. Holding his hands out warningly, he put several feet of distance between the two of you. "That was just enough to make things better and worse. I'm really hungry right now, mi corazón. You should probably go."

"Let me draw some more blood, okay?" You proposed. "Just...wait in your office and I'll do it here and then - "

"No, not yet. I don't want to take too much too fast."

"It's ok, I only took about 250 cc's. I can still do about another 300. Then in a few days, I can do more," you explained. "And if we need to find another source, then that's what we'll do. We have to get you better."

He listened to you. He actually listened. You drew more blood and presented it to him. It was the maximum amount you should take from yourself for probably the next 3 days. Ish.

So you and Miguel formed a plan. He was going to take a few days off and try to stay home to see how he felt. The blood should make him stronger, but also hungrier, at least for now. He had to stay off the streets to keep from hurting anyone, and he was absolutely adamant about not seeing you - not until it was safe for you to draw more blood.

In the meantime, he would keep you updated constantly, in a clinical way. You would also be worried about him personally, obviously. You would try to figure out alternative sources of blood that could be fresh for him, without it being too much from you, and without Miguel having to break any more of his moral code than he already had.

The idea was to get him well enough to where he could go back to a safer feeding schedule, while continuing to look for a cure.

"I can't believe we have to spend three days apart," you pouted, safely keeping your distance in Miguel's office doorway while he grabbed some things from his desk before leaving early for the day.

"Lo siento, mi hermosa angel de la guardia." He smiled softly at you. "Safer this way."

"I know, but can't I at least kiss you before you go?"

He shook his head. "I gotta go, baby. I can't be here right now. I don't trust myself."

Definitely not worth an argument at this point. Not after he'd finally fed.

Day 1:

You analyzed and poured over data. You worked through lunch. Miguel video called you a few times to answer questions. Each call ended with him rattling off something lovely in Spanish.

You were so exhausted by the time you got home that you fell asleep in your work clothes.

Day 2:

You woke up to find Miguel had texted you late last night. It simply said,

'Miss you. Love you.'

You could squeal, you were so ecstatic.

You called him immediately.

Then you got to work, which included another call and a lot of questions about how he was feeling.

Hungry. He was hungry. But stronger.

You advised him to try to drink blood bags. He complied. Finally he seemed to be listening to your professional advice.

You saw Jackson at lunch. He wondered where you disappeared to at the gala and said he'd missed seeing you at work.

"I only skipped lunch one day, Mr. Watson," you playfully reminded him.

He told you he was going to make it his mission to make you eat lunch every day, even if he had to track you down himself. You appreciated the sentiment. Should you tell him you were with Miguel now?

Were you with Miguel now?

After all, you did sleep together again, he'd stayed at your house a few times recently, you declared your love for each other. Wasn't that 'together' behavior?

Probably should clarify...

Day 3:

Miguel was feeling better. The blood bags weren't ideal, but they were helping. He didn't need to feed every day. Back when you first met him, he could go days and days without blood, but that was on a more...well-nourished schedule.

He asked to see you...tomorrow.

Day 4:

You arrived at Miguel's house ready to pounce, absolutely desperate to see him. He did not disappoint you.

As soon as you made it off the elevator, his lips curled into a knowing smile.

"I missed you so much," you breathed as he lifted you up into his strong arms, causing your feet to dangle off the floor.

"Si, mi corazón," he agreed, sealing his lips to yours. The heat of his tongue made you weak as his hands worked their way over your body.

Sinking your fingers into his tousled hair, you practically climbed him, sucking on his lip, which elicited a groan of approval from him.

His hands traced down the curve of your back to scoop you up, hoisting your legs around his waist. You didn't make it far because he shoved you up against the nearest wall.

You gasped out as his erection pressed hard against your clothed core - memories of what happened up against the gala wall floating through your memory.

"Need you," he murmured against your mouth, the heat of his breath sending chills down your entire body. He gripped your hips, thrusting against your heat, his lips trailing across your jaw.

Your breathing quickened into shallow panting as the tip of his fangs scraped lightly against your throat. His tight grip on your hips almost hurt, but the way he pulled you roughly against his cock made you shake with anticipation and desire.

The lace of your panties rubbed across your clit roughly, creating a delicious friction as he demandingly dragged you back and forth while sucking a bruise into the skin of your neck.

"Miguel...yes," you panted, rocking your hips in time with his.

You felt his lips curl into a smile. "Come for me like this," he lowly growled into your ear. "Don't even have to touch you."

He felt so good. The tip of his thick cock strained against the thin joggers he wore, moistening the soft fabric as he rubbed you just the way you liked.

"Faster," you whined, twisting your fingers through his waves and yanking hard. Your hips ached from how hard his own were pinning you to the wall.

"Yes, fuck...yes," you moaned, your eyes fluttering closed as he found that perfect rhythm - the friction against your clit causing heat to flare out all over your body. You gasped for air as wave after wave of pleasure crashed over you, your body shuddering and going limp in his arms.

Miguel held you in his securely against the wall as you came back to yourself, touching his forehead to yours.

"You missed me?" He whispered, a knowing smile curling his lips. His fangs adorably poked out of his little smirk.

"Every second," you breathed, using your grip on his neck to pull his mouth back to yours.

You and Miguel decided to order dinner, so you could spend all your time...well, together, rather than cooking and cleaning up the kitchen.

Miguel did, however, make his signature margaritas.

You offered to slice some limes, which was probably the absolutely stupidest offer you could have made to your boyfriend - a blood drinker.

Unfortunately, you sliced your finger instead of the lime.

Miguel immediately halted salting the rims of your glasses. His crimson eyes shot open as his chest heaved. It took him a moment to get his bearings since he couldn't really think very clearly. Only he didn't get his bearings.

"Shit, shit," you hissed, dashing to the sink to run your dripping finger under the faucet's flow.

Too late - he came barreling at you, fangs and talons bared and eyes wild and glowing.

"Miguel, I-I'm sorry - "

He jerked your hand to his mouth, wrapping his lips around your finger and sucking vigorously. It stung a bit, but you supposed there was no real harm in him having a little blood. It wasn't as if he wounded you to get it, so he wouldn't have to feel guilty. And he had been starving for weeks, after all.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad for him to drink some of your fresh blood -

"Ow!" You gasped as his fang tore your flesh, deepening the wound on your finger slightly. Damn, that might need stitches.

He was unbothered and oblivious to your hiss of pain, sucking your finger relentlessly. He roughly grabbed your opposite hand, pushing your fingers between his legs to show you how hard he was. After all, it was you who had a mindblowing orgasm in the hallway. Now he wanted some relief.

Your finger really fucking hurt, but you honestly didn't want to discourage him feeding. And the paralytic hadn't kicked in yet because he hadn't exactly bit down - his fang had scraped you. So you slid your hand into the waistband of his pants and wrapped your fingers around his aching, hard cock, wishing and hoping things could be like they once were - with him feeding and fucking and using you.

He groaned appreciatively as you stroked him, using your fingernails to faintly tickle the base of him before giving him a few firm tugs. He still held your sliced finger in his mouth, his eyes closed in ecstasy as you roughly jerked him faster and faster.

It occurred to you that your finger wasn't burning with the initial searing pain you'd felt. In fact, if felt a little numb. Then you realized you were starting to feel spaced out. Your movements slowed, despite Miguel desperately attempting to thrust into your fist.

Your body started to go limp as the venom set in, and it was only when you started to collapse that he finally snapped out of his feeding frenzy.

He caught you in his arms, of course. He would never let you fall. But as he scooped you up, you could see the panic in his wild, red eyes. His lips were covered in your blood - a sight you not-so-secretly loved, despite the horror it made him feel.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he brokenly whispered, carrying you to the living room to lay your paralyzed body down on the sofa. He didn't seem to care that your blood was dripping all over his expensive flooring and furniture.

He went into triage mode, gathering a towel which he wrapped snuggly around your hand to stop the bleeding. You could see that he was horrified, but there was nothing you could do in this state. By the time the effects of the venom wore off, he would probably have completely panicked.

But he surprised you by holding the towel around your hand and waiting. He didn't try to clean up his face or make a bunch of apologizes. He just waited for you to return to your normal self, while he stopped the bleeding.

Your eyes lazily blinked a few times as you regained feeling in your extremities. Your finger hurt, but it was nothing compared to the puncture wounds and scrapes that used to litter your body when he would fuck you and use you like a toy.

He didn't say anything but you could see he was clearly distressed. You started to sit up, wondering how ruined this night likely was.

He assisted your efforts, swallowing hard as his gaze found yours. Your eyes flickered down to his crotch and then you realized he was still hard. The look in his eyes was desire and confusion regarding what to do about it.

He had knelt on the floor beside the sofa as he helped you, but now, he eased to sit down beside you. Holding his gaze, you dropped the towel from your bloody finger and climbed across his lap.

"It's your day to feed anyway," you softly purred, rolling your hips, pushing your core against his clothed cock. He groaned as his eyes fluttered closed.

Standing on your knees, you pushed down your pants along with your lace thong, standing for a moment to get them off your feet. You reached for his hand, pulling his fingers to the apex of your legs, forcing him to drag his fingertips through your soaked folds.

"I want this as much as you do," you quietly explained. "So don't you fucking dare pull away from me."

He sucked in a breath, seeming to teeter on the precipice of either giving in to this or completely shutting down.

You didn't wait, using your good hand to pull at the waistband of his joggers. "Take these off," you ordered, hastily working with him. "And this," you added, yanking up the hem of his soft t-shirt.

He stared at you, bewildered for a moment, but you encouraged him by wrapping your hand around his cock. Standing on your knees, straddling him, you guided his tip through your pussy lips, back and forth, tempting him.

"Do you want this or not?" You whispered, lowering yourself down onto his cock, hissing at the perfect stretch you felt as his heavy length filled you.

"Fuck, you're so wet," he groaned, his hands squeezed into fists by his sides as he struggled not to lose any control he had left.

"Because I love fucking you," you breathed against his mouth, pushing up on your knees before dropping back down hard, "And feeding you. But you won't let me."

He absently nodded, only half registering what you were saying - so focused on needing to feel more of you. It was a lot to take in - the fresh blood he could still smell from your cut finger - the way you were seducing him. He couldn't stop this even if he wanted to. Talons extended, he tore through your shirt and bra like tissue paper, before scratching lightly up the curves of your body.

You moaned at the sting, but nothing prepared you for the feeling of him scraping just above your nipple, drawing a few droplets of blood. Using his tongue he laved your hardened peak, spreading red warmth around your nipple before sucking it into his mouth.

Oh fuck - that felt good. His talons didn't secrete venom. He was drinking from you without paralyzing you. Just the notion of it had you fucking yourself down on him at a furious pace, rolling your hips and squeezing your cunt around him with each thrust.

"Don't stop," you begged him, threading your fingers through the hair on the top of his head, forcing his mouth to stay on your breast. But he shrugged you off before dragging his index finger over your other soft mound, just enough to sprinkle your beautiful skin with fresh red drops of what he craved.

The next few moments were a frenzy of furious thrusting. You came suddenly as soon as he took your nipple back into his mouth. Miguel had wanted to suck you like this for so long and once he felt your cunt fluttering around his cock, he completely lost it, emptying himself deep inside you as your cries of ecstasy echoed off the vaulted ceilings.

He buried his nose in the crook of your neck, inhaling your essense. Retracting his talons, he ran his hands over the curve of your back, pulling you against his chest, loving the feel of your breasts mashed against him. Your bodies remained joined as your harsh pants started to quiet.

Then he completely surprised you, saying, "I really needed that."

Easing back, you locked your wrists behind his neck and granted him a soft smile. "Yeah...you did. So did I."

He smirked disbelievingly. "I don't know if I understand that, mi vida."

"Understand what?"

He let out a sigh, hoping to explain without upsetting you. "How you could need...this. Me. And...what I just did to you."

Before you could really answer him, the food delivery arrived. So you excused yourself to the restroom to clean up, wash up, get dressed and bandage your finger. Miguel had shredded half your outfit, so you wandered up to his bedroom to find a t-shirt, which fell down your legs to almost knee level.

Miguel joined you with the delicious food delivery, smiling warmly at the sight of you, comfortable in his room, in his clothes.

"Thought we could just eat in here," he nonchalantly informed, "since we'll probably end up here the rest of the night anyway."

"Miguel O'Hara," you playfully scolded, secretly thrilled that he seemed to be okay with what happened downstairs. This would honestly be breaking new ground for the two of you - if he could drink your blood - wound you, even, and not push you away.

He winked at you before setting up the food on a small table in the corner of his expansive bedroom. As you started to eat, his eyes drifted down to your bandaged hand.

"I'm sorry," he softly uttered, setting down his fork. "Does it hurt a lot?"

You reached across the table with your opposite hand to squeeze his wrist. "I'm okay. It was just a scrape and it was my fault it happened anyway."

Slowly nodding, he joined his hand with yours, interlacing your fingers. You took this as a good sign.

"Miguel...don't shut me out. I can't survive it. Not again," you voice choked with emotion. "You can't take your guilt out on me."

He frowned. "I'm not trying to do that. But I can still feel sorry that you're hurt. What's so bad about that?"

"Nothing," you passionately returned, squeezing his fingers. "I'm just...I feel like I just got you back and I don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to lose me," he quickly refuted, his dark eyebrows shifting with concern. "You're never going to lose me unless you leave me. I love you."

Your heart did somersaults inside your chest as your lips parted with a sigh of relief. "I love you too. I love you so much, and I want you to see yourself the way I see you."

His crimson eyes widened with a bit of curious confusion. "How's that, mi corazón?"

Easing out of your chair, you circled around the table and knelt down in front of him, taking his hands in your own.

"You're perfect exactly the way you are." You could already see him getting ready to protest, but he had met his match when it came to stubbornness. "Don't argue with me, Miguel. I love you exactly how you are. That's the truth."

He swallowed hard, averting his eyes, but he didn't let go of your hands.

"I'll help you with whatever cure you want," you promised him. "I'll support you, but there is nothing wrong with you in my eyes."

Before you could profess anything further, he pulled you by the arms to sit in his lap.

"Come here," he whispered, nuzzling his nose against your throat before kissing your cheek tenderly.

"Thank you," he breathed on your ear. "You really are my guardian angel. It's just hard for me to not feel like a monster around someone like you."

"You're not," you insisted, brushing his unruly waves out of his eyes as your gaze found his. "Nothing is wrong with the things we do to each other, as long as we're both okay with it. I love it," you explained. "But if you don't, I'll respect that."

One of his fangs pulled at his bottom lip as he contemplated your words. "You're sure? You're okay with...what we just did - when I cut you and..."

"And scratched me and sucked me and drank my blood?" You shrugged one shoulder, easing your thighs across his lap. "I can see how it sounds when you say it out loud," you admitted, wrapping your arms around his neck. "Maybe it's you who needs to accept the monster in me."

next

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@pockcock @minigirl87 @uncle-eggy@cookielovesbook-akie @wyldeflwr

@animechick555 @tiffanypooh @thexsanctuaryx @majestic-jazmin @rosecentaur1916

@deezisnotreal @serren-diamandis @alexxavicry @onefinnedwonder-fm @spidey-3

@stevengmybeloved @just3rowsing @howellatme @dowbastan @lonelyisamyw-0love

@twiggoblin @toobular

@lilacspider @imonmykneessir @saints-and-sinners @steven-grants-world @aquaarietes

[b-blushes]

hater moment (just some complaining hahaha it's brewing within me so i must release it lest it fester)

really in the struggle zone today and gritting my teeth trying to be niceys....... it's sooo hot. had a super cursed night of 'sleep' (woke up at 2am with no feeling in one arm and had to bring that guy back to life, mischievous jackdaws knocking on the roof waking me up at intervals, forgot to turn on my air purifier when i went to bed so couldn't breathe properly and didn't realise what was going on until i got up, vivid dreams, chronic pain OTL). also doubled one of my meds this week. all of these items have me feeling hazy as hell 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 extremely lucky to have a portable ac but also cursed with 'using the ac makes me ill in different ways for some reason' so it's like. only for 'i think i am physically having a panic response about being too hot' or cooling a room when i'm not in it moments or it seems like i just make myself sicker 😅 trying very hard to be like 'there are some design flaws with this being (me) (<-nasty)' but like. brain too melted to anything. BUT we stay silly!!!! had a really compelling collage idea last night that i'm soooo excited to execute. gotta figure out when i'll start that. once again i'm really not sure how to anything right now but i DO have a vision for it. working on another fun project! i could go outside and sit and gaze from the shade? idk. feeling very feeble creature mode which is not a state i feel like. very loving of myself in. in a couple of days it'll get cooler again though and in the meantime if slug mode supreme is the best i can do then that's still doing my best!!!!!!!

[quaranmine]

Hi yeah its me again, sorry for the spam, not my fault you made cool and inspiring stuff. This time actually, i couldnt help myself and have made a short crackpodfic of an alternative universe which is basically 'AU where Mumbo is frolicking in the wild and Grian doesnt exist cause itd be too sad for him to do so, so hes gone.' Its stupid, ist badly written (literally my first ever creative writing work other than a 300 word school asignment) but like idk. if you dont want to or cant read it (cause its so bad and burns your eyes out) you can just not read it xd idc honestly but decided to maybe give you the choice of reading it or not. Excuse my weird and unusual ways of writing dialougue and monolouges This is part 1 of 3

Jellie meowed cutely, demanding for food most likely just as a familar figure walked into his cabin. —Oh Hello Cub! It's wonderful to see you again! How was the trail, you're earlier than usual, no? — Scar exclaimed happily, looking at the sweaty man now standing before him. The air was hot, the many glass windows of the watchtower could make a great greenhouse. The open windows allowed for a warm flow of the early summer's air to pass by and refresh the mostly closed space. —Hey hey. Yeah the traffic was better than usual, but there was more sand in on the trail today. I think it could be the Sahara desert dust that was supposed to get carried in with the wind. — Cub said, taking his backpack off and pulling out a rag to wipe his head off. No matter how many times he hikes through this trail it never gets much easier. — Oh, Cub. The Sahara desert was blowing on Europe! And also it's the 80s and this specific situation you're referencing is gonna happen in late March of the year 2024! That's at least 35 years into the future! —Oh yup I forgot. Sorki bout that —Cub, you silly silly man! — Scar said in a singsong tone. Both of them started laughing and looked straight into the readers eyes, smiling.  Hi reader they both thought and went back to laughing looking at each other. — Actually, Scar, while hiking I heard some tourists talking about some newfound cryptid roaming these parts, what's up with that? – Eh nothing special, some bikers saw a 'humanoid lanky bugman' or something. — The man said — I've seen it all over, people come, they see a black bear or a deer in the shadow and think it's a newfound species. But honestly! I gotta give credit to the bikers relating said encounter cause the guys were better than most at storytelling! The missing food cans, rustling in the bushes all around them, the feeling of being watched.. Truly creepy stuff! And then — Scar took in a breath, talking so much in one long exhale left him almost dizzy —the moment when they saw it fully...They described it as 'particularly lanky with black fur' and something about purple-pinkish fingertips as well as residue on its paleish naked face with a weirdly shaped snout. 'Like a Walrus' they said! A crazy comparison for a bear, but you know, human mind can do wonders! — Scar clapped at the last statement and closed his eyes smiling charmingly at his companion who was now drinking the rest of his water.. After a while, comfortable silence filled the watchtower as both of the men enjoyed eachothers company. Jellie was now purring against scars leg and promptly jumped on his lap demanding more pets as Cub had finally spoken up — Any new paintings done in the meantime? I don't recognise these two, are they new or recycled? — He asked, curiosity clear in his voice, lookin at the, indeed, two new paintings decorating the cabin. One of them depicting a landscape with a sunset. From where Cub was sitting, he could watch the same, now hidden under an overcast, mountains and trees. The other painting was of a group of three tufted titmice sitting on a branch. Cub took out his American bird field guy and read a couple of paragraphs to scar on what kind of bird has he drawn exactly. It's weird that he saw these birds cause apparently they don't live in that part of the US! Crazy.

HELPPPPP this is completely insane the best way, thank you. Love that Grian doesn't exist here because it'd be too sad for him. Love the fever-dream quality to the writing. In all the best ways you're taking me back to the crack fics I'd read on ff.net in 2013, it's great. Love the breaking the fourth wall abou the Sahara dust and the (assuming) European birds. You've got a certain hint of Douglas Adams flavoring happening with the switching to an "above" perspective for a moment to give a wry little fourth-wall comment.

Mumbo Jumbo, new forest cryptid. I can see it. If Hermitcraft!Mumbo eats redstone, do you think forest cryptid!Mumbo would eat like...rocks??? dlfjskfljslkfs

[izloveshorses]

I'm in a bit of an in-between period rn of what i'm focusing on writing, so.... do you guys have any preferences what i work on updating next? (no promises, i cannot write on command/ i do not control what daydream we hyperfixate on etc etc but i can at least Work On what you guys vote for) so peruse the list of drafts here, some published, some not quite ready yet, and pick something that sounds intriguing.

propaganda under the cut if you want something a little more descriptive! otherwise you're welcome to ask questions/ leave your reasons in the replies :)

sleep on the floor: angsty road trip, modern au, etc. i made a whole gifset for this and a pretty banger playlist if i do say so myself.

notting hill au: anya is a famous movie star, dmitry is a nobody bookstore owner, and they cross paths randomly one day when anya is hiding from paparazzi, they hit it off right away, but dating is hard. just one chapter is up so far. i gotta decide on something that happens in the film i was thinking about changing but we could write some other things in the meantime

art heist au: unpublished! anya works at a distinguished gallery, a painting from her late parents' collection they thought had been lost in a tragic fire just recently sprung up into the public eye again, but it's being auctioned off soon and anya isn't happy about it, since she thinks it contains the secrets of what really happened to her family. dmitry visits the gallery in attempts to steal it, but she catches him in the act and they decide to strike up a deal-- if he helps her forge a copy, she'll let him have the original to sell once she does more research and sees if it actually ~contains the secrets~ she's looking for. it's about the intrigue, the drama, the mystery, the reluctant alliance turned romance. good stuff. as long as i can figure out a plot structure aslhkdf

post breakup/get back together fic: unpublished. slightly inspired by the song 'if the world was ending,' but instead of an earth quake it's a snow storm and talk of the world ending with the new year. set during new years eve, anya visits him for the first time since they broke up a year ago and Talk about things that happened, interwoven with some flashbacks of their relationship from beginning to end. i also made another banger playlist for this guy.

equestrian au: dmitry and vlad are show jumping trainers down on their luck, anya is the new stablehand dmitry finds sleeping in the stall with her ugly horse (pooka <3). but when vlad decides her hidden talent is worth sculpting into a refined show jumping career, the three of them team up to make it to the FEI world cup in Paris, where Marie Feodorovna will be watching and contributing to the winning purse. maybe anya will find the home love family she's looking for idk.

crazy rich asians au: inspired by the movie, but without the hazing and the drama and the angst, so it's mostly just a meet the parents au of a sort with some nice and fluffy established dimya. anya's sister is getting married and she wants to use the event as a way to introduce dmitry, her long time bf, to the family. dmitry is excited about potentially asking for the Family Ring (👀) and leaving new york for the first time to visit the homeland (would the wedding be in russia? or would they get married in the french riviera or something a bit warmer?) until he figures out just how wealthy anya's family is. he knew she came from wealth, but not quite to this extent, and gets a little insecure about it. shenanigans ensue.

[aprillikesthings]

A thing I've written more than once: "I refuse to admit to myself that I'm in love with this person" and/or "I've admitted it to myself but I'm not going to do anything about it because I don't think they feel the same."

A thing I have not written, which as it turns out! is far more complicated!: "I refuse to admit my true feelings for this person, even to myself, because it would mean also admitting I'm gay and I cannot bear to face that yet."

And I really need to figure out when they each realize it, in my historical au.

I feel like Catra figures it out sooner, and it makes her bitter and angry for a while, partially out of an assumption that it's not returned, but also out a reasonably justified fear (which is why she punches a dude for calling her a dyke and then lies about why she punched him)

And meanwhile Adora's doing that "well she was my best friend growing up and I'm just rather fond of her" and when she feels actual attraction she just tries to ignore it, ha ha this fine, nothing to see here. I'm just not ready to date yet, gotta go to college, no reason to start now :))) I miss Catra so much because we were such close friends, that's all :))), and meanwhile Glimmer and Bow are like. Uh. Do you think...nah we gotta let her figure this out herself.

I'm probably going to have a scene at some point of Adora sobbing at Glimmer and Bow like "I think I'm a lesbian and in love with Catra" and they're both like "Oh thank god you finally figured it out, christ"

("that's not historically accurate" listen. There were always people who were fine about it. I've decided both Glimmer's parents are artsy "bohemian" types and yes, Bow still has two dads, but to the rest of the world Bow's bio dad just lives with A Good Friend.)

BUT in the MEANTIME I'm trying to write a scene in which Catra and Adora are having an "oh my god I'm having? feelings? what are they? wait no I don't want to know NOPE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS not even thinking about it HA HA I'M FINE" *runs screaming in fear*

and it's a PAIN IN THE ASS

[jobrrr]

Hobbies and interests are weird sometimes.

Like sometimes you see something and you just know that’s what you want to do, and there is no looking back from that point. I remember seeing Magic the Gathering for the first time, and it was like 4th grade, I knew. And lo and behold, I'm 35, still playing magic. But like sometimes it just kinda happens by accident, like you don't mean to get into the thing at all.

I think it was mid 2021 and I just stumbled on the Blackwargreymon gunpla kit online. Digimon was a big deal for me as a kid, I was pretty young when it started, like 10?, and I have always had a soft spot for it. So this thing looked really cool, I didn’t really have anything on my shelf for digimon even though it was a big deal for me as a kid, and it wasn't that horrendously expensive, even marked up on amazon. I don’t think I had ever done a plastic model kit before, so I started poking around to see what it would need, and I found a pretty decent entry level set of tools, clippers, some tweezers, some sanding tools and so on. So I went, what the hell, I did something nice for the kid in me. I think it’s important to do a lot of nice things for the kid in you, just good life advice. So I took the plunge. The closest thing to compare to I guess was lego, it’s kinda the same process, you just gotta cut out your pieces and clean them up, but after that you just put it together. Lego was another thing I really liked as a kid.

This kit was so much fun, I went into it with the just expectation that it will look good, and it does, very good. Ok I have to stress this, I don’t think there is anything on the market that looks even a fraction as good as these kits do, and at such a better price, it’s ridiculous. But the Kit was so much fun to put together, it's just meditative, and very personal. You slowly work your way through it, learning how the plastic feels and reacts to the cuts, shaves and sanding you do, and you make mistakes, but you work through it and learn. It’s imperfect in a very personal way. And then I finished it. And sometimes you just finish something and then you are like, ‘this can’t be the only time I do this’. I knew I was kinda hooked on it.

Thankfully there was a bit of backlog on the kits available. I think at the time the upcoming one was Machindramon, and I ended up picking the other kits in the meantime, Omegamon/Omnimon & MetalGarurumon. And so over that year of the pandemic it was a treat for myself, as I slowly built up this shelf of great looking digimon figures that I put together myself. When I got the Gallantmon/Dukemon kit, I took an extra chance on it, and decided to re-paint it with my minis paint, giving it a more classic color scheme. It’s probably the most time I spent on one model, and I haven’t tried painting one again since them, but I’m still immensely proud of it, there was a lot of little mistake I made, and a spoke on his shoulder broke that I had to drill a metal rod to reinforce as well as putting some extra epoxy putty in, but it was more lessons learned. As a prep I spent a bunch of time looking up videos of people painting gunpla, and as a side note, some folks do amazing jobs with that, like absolutely fantastic.

I wanted more though, and I was waiting for new digimon kits to come out but you are waiting. I think it was around the time the pandemic restrictions were loosening, and I was starting to maybe just explore places a bit again. I went into a Game Stop for the first time in a while, and was surprised to see a gunpla kit there. It was the master grade Barbatos kit, and it was a very reasonable price, like I want to say 60ish CAD. I was paying more for the digimon kits cause I was mostly getting that stuff through amazon and often it was imported from japan and extra shipping fees etc. So I went what the hell? I never really was that interested in Gundam before, I had a friend who made me watch an Iron Blooded Orphans OVA, and I honestly could not tell you anything about it, I was so checked out. But it looked cool, so I took another chance. I figured it wouldn’t look bad on a shelf.

That kit is a killer kit. I remember being so impressed with it, when you are building it you start with a skeleton and then you put the armor on top of that. It was so novel, and so cool. It’s a master grade, which is kinda the 2nd highest tier of kits available. 

I guess as a little aside, the entry level is High Grade, HG, this is 1:144 scale, and is a great entry level, kits can be very cheap, as low as 15ish up to 30ish (CAD prices, your can figure out your conversion, USD is going to be less). Next up you have Master Grade, MG, these kits are 1:100 scale, sometimes they are different names but 1:100 is size. These guys are pricier, but a big jump in quality, not to say the HG are bad, HG are pretty impressive, but the jump is very noticeable. MGs are very nice, and the prices I noticed are usually 60 to 90. The next typical grade up is Perfect Grade, these are 1:60 scale, and very big, and very complex. I have only done one so far, the Exia. It was 280ish I think. For these kits I think the floor is around 200ish, and can go up quite a bit from there, I think some push 500+.

Back from that tangent, this kit felt like the perfect entry for a more experienced kit. I had already done quite a few digimon kits, and it's the same stuff, just different franchise. Like literally the same, Bandia makes both of these kits. So this was easy to get into. And it really was cool, to say it again. I was like damn, this is neat. So I let that stew, and for a while that was the only gundam I had and I was pretty content for that to be the case.

Then a new boon arrived, I found a local gunpla store. I had actually been there a few times before, but before It was more focused on anime, but I guess in my absence over many years it shifted, and grew its gunpla selection a lot, the wall of bluray and dvds became a wall of boxes of gunpla. And They had digimon kits too. And the prices were very good. I made the switch, as it became a lot more accessible, just even the ability to browse and not do shipping, chief’s kiss. So I picked a few kits I didn’t have, and continued to get new ones there. But I started to see the rest of the gunpla, and I knew the Barbatos was cool, and they had such a big selection, even a lot of older stuff. 

So I started picking up a few. It was kinda neat, just jumping into this franchise that I really only knew on a visual level. Like I know it’s been around for a long time, and there are a lot of series, like OG, Wing, Seed, ect. But after that, I know nothing about the Gundam, they fight in big robots, that’s it. So I was in the odd position where I was free to just pick them up blindly if that makes sense, I wasn’t beholden to any lore or preference outside of ‘it looks cool’ and wow I kinda realized I don't have something like that. Like how often do you enter a fandom in a backwards kind of way. Like typically you get into something because you are a fan of it, you like the story, setting, characters and then that kinda informs how you follow up everything after. Like you get the figure of the character you like. I’m sure I’m not the only person who just gets (outside of WFM lol) the kits as kits with no real attachment to the source, and I imagine it's not even that small of a portion. Like people don’t need lore to do train kits or w/e. Anyways it was just a neat perspective, and like I said, freeing. I was allowed to pick stuff from w/e series, and mix and match cause I didn’t care.

So yah, i just went on picking up more kits, the prices of HG were such a great thing too. Like on average 20 bucks a pop for a kit, easy sell for me. So I started having a gunpla shelf, and that was cool.

I guess the next phase kinda happened. I had heard of Witch from Mercury (WFM), way back when it first announced, and the only take away at that time I had was it was going to feature a female lead, I remember going, I guess that’s cool, but you guys have been doing this for how long, and this is your first? I had another thought but I will come back to that later. So I just kinda filed that away as whatever, I wasn’t really that interested in it as a show, Gundam as a series just didn’t really feel my thing, I am still quite ignorant outside of WFM, but I guess I have more of a sense of it now. Anyways it comes to the point years later, and WFM starts airing, I think I even had a CR sub cause I wanted to watch spy family. I slept on the first 2 episodes. I had just met with a friend again that moved back, and he mentioned it’s queer, that Suletta gets herself engaged to in the first episode.

What. This was not what I expected. The point I mentioned before? So I'm a sucker for W/W ships, always have been. I very much had a thought when I first heard WFM years before, ‘it's not going to be sapphic though, it’s going to be some hetero stuff’, and it was a pessimistic take at the time, but I just felt burned out from everything being like that. Everything is fucking straight all the time. Like I just want more queer stuff, I hope everything ends up being queer, but realistically it’s not. And it’s Gundam, this is a big franchise, It’s not going to push further than female protag, so I just stopped my expectations there. But is it? And well fuck, I have to give it chance now. And it was, like not even in the subtext kind of way. Suletta was Miorine’s groom. The show had Utena in its DNA. I was very cautious though, feeling like this isn’t going to happen. I felt like I was going to get the rug pulled out, there certainly were a lot of guys vying for either of the two girls at the beginning. But I stuck with the show, a bit of pessimism and caution, but wanting it to happen. 

And the little things started happening. After the third episode I think there is a shot of Miorine’s room, and it's a mess. I told myself, then, in a very gut feel way, If Suletta cleans her room, it’s real. I carried that thought going forward. Unpacking it later, I realized how true to the characters it was, Miorine didn’t want to be there, her room was a prison to her and she didn’t let anyone into her life. And then she asks Suletta to clean her room in ep11, and god that episode. I threw out caution, I was ready to sink on this ship if it would after that. And shit, 12 was a hell of an episode to finish on, and then the wait for the second cour. Ooof. Like it was real now, very real, feelings were vocalized and it wasn't just reading into characters. It was firmly the TEXT, no room negotiation. This show was very intentional about everything, I could start to see how everything was now feeding into the rest of itself. God this show.

The wait for the second cour took a while. I was talking about gunpla before, wow. Sure, let's get back there for a bit. I was pretty moderate with picking up kits, I got just Aerial, and Suletta and Miorine. I honestly felt a little embarrassed at the time, like it was an admission that, yah, I’m getting the feels hard now. But that was it, I got some more unconnected gunpla but I was mostly just stewing on my feelings till the second cour hit.

And wow, did those feelings come in hard once the show came back. Not to sound old here, i’m only 35, but it’s easy to forget what watching a show weekly is like with how much bingin it like with the netlix model of shows was the norm for so long. But letting a show really sit with you, to digest it, let it stew and think about before moving to the next episode. For some shows that can be magic, or at least that’s been my experience. I don’t think this would have been a good show to binge, and if anyone is going to watch it, I don’t recommend just burning through it really quickly. This is a show that really lets you take it apart and analyze the moments. It felt like everything could be read into for more meaning. Tomatoes, The move forward, gain one, the growth of characters, how Suletta and Miorine treat each other. It’s a gold mine for essay lol.

Or this whole ending credits to Red:birthmark. This is is basically the whole character arc of Suletta.

I guess that sorta leads to onwards. I had dipped out of tumblr way back when things went south and everyone dipped. Like myself maybe not right away, but like it felt like 90% of folks were gone and I was soon too. I would sometimes check back in, but never stayed. Then things started to just get real bad with twitter. Like i never liked it as a social site, or reddit. It just feels bad. I had only really started to use it and reddit cause tumblr died, and they did not serve the same way. Like there are few decent subreddits. But they never really did what I wanted. So I started to maybe check in here again, more frequently. Then I remember the day it really stuck.

Bees happened, Yang and Blake kissed. I was not super invested in RBWY, I bounced pretty quickly way back. I like the fandom though, it has always been strong and I'm sure people will have different feelings, but w/e. I always found them charming, and I think it was what made me try watching the show way back in the first place. So anyways Bees happened, that was a big surprise, and it kinda hit hard. Like it was beautifully awkward in a real way, it felt genuine. And I saw it here on tumblr. And good fucking win for the fandom, I tried watching some of the more recent episodes, and I am not going back to watch old stuff but boy does Ruby have some trauma to unpack. Whoof, even missing context that hit hard. The fanfiction is great. Dug around in there and there are some really good ones. Bless the fandom. I started with Bees stuff since obv, but I also dug around into Ice Rose too. Maybe it’s too much to hope, but that show will be cooking if it also does that.

Anyways I guess I was back on tumblr. There were a bunch of oldies still here, and I could dive into the tags. And It really made me realize how much twitter was kinda just making me miserable. Like there is just so much more positive here, and over there it’s just miserable. And WFM was starting up again soon. Perfect storm. I wish I had been here for the first cour. But I was here for the second cour.

I had originally joined tumblr way back after Korra ended. I was not ready to let the show go when it finished, and this was a good place to celebrate the show. It was so fundamental to my early days here, I followed so many people because of it. Fan art, people talking about the show, even years later, fan fiction. Like I said, it was a celebration of the show. I still treasure a lot of those old moments, and followed a lot of those artists onto twitter and pateron. Hopefully I will start seeing them here more as twitter implodes.

It’s been very nostalgic here again, as we finish WFM. It’s like being back to that moment with Korra. I loved seeing all the art here again. I loved seeing all the talks, musing and speculation as the second cour went on. I started to follow people again that I kept seeing popping in the tags and It reminded me what it’s like to slowly learn a bit of someone on this site. I missed that old bleeding of interests you get. The cross contamination of fandoms. I got to see someone younger share their experience with Sailor Moon in real time through this site. I love it, I was a kid when that show first aired, it is so cool to get these new perspectives. 

And now WFM is finished. I said this before, I knew at the start of the second cour that this show is going to stick with me for a long time. Remember the gunpla, well I have perspective now, I have been picking up more of those because I now have feelings to contend with, lol. Not a bad problem to have. It hit hard, the show, episode 16 left me heartbroken, god. And now we are here, they have rings, they had the wedding. Eri is the sister in law. God it happened and it feels like this was plucked from a better timeline. This show is such a fucking win, I’m not letting it go any time soon.

I never really did much of this before, sharing that is. This is a lot, hell I’m even considering if I will post this as I draft this. I mostly just reblogged things and avoided putting my own words on top of them. And that’s fine, but idk, it’s never too late to try new things right, and you can always do things at your own pace, so maybe I can share a bit and it resonates with someone, and maybe it ends up being no different than existing in the void and never being posted. I spent too much time being self conscious of the things I like. I want to spend more time just making the kid in me happy you know.

Being around this all again has been nice, I feel motivated to be creative, more so then I was before. I have always had ideas for fics just floating in my head, and I think I might actually post a Persona 5 fic at some point, it's in the works. I recently played through it again with the female protag mod, and bless that mod, but now I feel compelled to write something about Makoto. Hell, maybe even some WFM stuff later. There is a really obscure doujin that I want to write something for as it felt criminal that it only got one entry. If you made it this far, thanks. Let yourself enjoy stuff.

John

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello ! This is pukey Saeyoung anon.

I’m comin off anon bc honestly that shit is too much work. Pretty sure being sick this long has fried any last sense of inhibition or shame in my brain and I think everyone deserves to know how much I love Saeyoung smh. The extent to which that is my Mans. I will publicly gush if I so please. 😤😤

Plus! I’m pleased to report that I haven’t actually thrown up in about two weeks! So like. Hashtag recovery life I guess. 💀

But that’s what I came here to update you about. :’D

I feel like I kinda left you with a cliffhanger there with the whole bone cancer thing. (If it makes you feel any better, the hospital did too 👁👄👁)

November was very much,,, a terrible horrible no good very bad type of month. I spent nearly two weeks waiting for them to get back to me about my dumb bone marrow autopsy only for them to cancel my appointment last minute. And in the meantime I was just getting sicker and sicker… I ended up in and out of the hospital again a couple times,, but by the third time I was scared to go back bc the second time I went they didn’t even admit me overnight. They basically just charged me $700 to take a four hour nap. And cha boy doesn’t have that kinda money. 😭

But it got to the point that I really physically couldn’t take it anymore… I have never been in so much pain and discomfort in my entire life. Which unfortunately with the life I’ve had,, that’s a high ass bar lmao.

And it was just CONSTANT… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t look at any screens. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stand. I was literally too weak to even pull a blanket up over myself. I literally was spending every night sobbing/shivering/barfing myself to sleep. It was baaaaaaad.

Luckily my roommate at this point had probably started to get annoyed by hearing me crying from pain all night and was like “dude I’m taking you to the hospital again”

And my third hospital visit !! They FINALLY gave me an answer as to wtf is going on!

Good news is…? Not bone cancer. I don’t have to enter my Deadpool era Quite yet.

Bad news…? Apparently I’ve got fuckin Lupus 🤡

Which is super cute and fun because,, you know. Incurable lifelong chronic illness. I’m literally gonna be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. :)

But like. It’s a perfectly livable disease. As long as it’s, you know. Actually being taken care of and treated. Which I now have enough info to actually do haha.

(Hit the self-loathing so hard that even my own fuckin immune system was like, oh shit we gotta take this bitch DOWN 💀)

I’m soooo glad to be home and back from the hospital… but it’s been very strange too. I’m still really sick and I can’t really do much on my own and,,, my brain physically doesn’t know how to process being like,, taken care of. Honestly it kinda sets off alarm bells in my brain 😳 but I’ve had to accept pretty damn quickly that,, I don’t really have a choice rn. I’m so used to just being on my own pushing through all my pain and just. Waiting till it goes away on its own. But if I do that in this case… the pain will just get worse and my body will quite literally shut down on me and I will literally die. Sooooo like,,,, 🤡 I guess maybe I can stand to be taken care of for at least a little while.

Doc says with all the damage that’s been done to my organs and stuff this past year, they caught it early enough that the damage is reversible. But I need to undergo a really strict recovery treatment,, and they estimate it’ll be at least 18 months before I’m able to get back to my ~normal healthy baseline~. Which is insane… like am I really gonna be out here living like a sickly hermit for a damn year and a half?? I’m gonna keep feeling better, I know. And I’ll slowly be able to do more again. But I can’t go back to my job. It was causing me waaay too much physical and mental strain. :( so that’s gonna be fun to figure out.

They also put me on literally 12 new medications when I left the hospital to help control my symptoms. Each of which I have to take 1-3 times a day. So that’s super exciting. Love a big bowl of pills for breakfast every morning.

It was torture at first because I hate swallowing pills. But it’s been about a week and I’m honestly getting used to it already. And better yet? Even after only a week… they’re noticeably helping my symptoms… and I’m actually starting to be able to do things again… I *almost* feel like, 60% of a normal human person again,,, maybe even 65%! I’m slowly starting to regain my appetite finally… and I can do little things again… like play the new Pokémon game, or watch anime, or draw, or call a friend on the phone. Which… god what a relief 😭 words cannot describe how good it feels to be able to do those things again… frankly,, it was traumatic having to spend the last few months watching my body physically deteriorate in real time… so now that I’m starting to feel like myself again, if only a little. I’m like. Hey?? I actually love myself so much???? I think I’m a pretty cool fun interesting person. Thank GOD I’m making a comeback 😭😭

Saeyoung of course has been a great source of comfort for me throughout all of this… he always is one of my biggest sources of comfort in life… literally even just imagining him being in the same room as me is enough to put me more at ease…

When things were at their worst a big part of how I dealt with shit was vividly daydreaming about making up silly stories with Saeyoung to distract me. This is something I’ve done for years when I’m too upset or stressed to sleep,,, it’s been a reliable source of comfort for me for a hot minute. But it’s never gotten to this extent haha.

We have a whole ass story going,, I’m actually starting to get pretty attached to the story and the characters… which is stupid AF because it’s literally just. Me and Saeyoung Choi as fantasy self-inserts wherein he’s a court jester and I’m a knight and we’re going on a quest to ~find a cure for my mysterious illness~

But a part of me is like 🥺🤔 what if I actually wrote the story tho? Lmaoooo

Amongst other coping mechanisms and distractions,,, I’ve also been falling HARD into my online shopping addiction. But also, idk, can you blame me…? I’m a material gowrl at heart and I haven’t been able to go shopping in person for months 😔😔 I need little treats to get me through the day.

Mostly I’ve been spending an UNGODLY amount of money on plushies. Like… idk if I could count them and I don’t even wanna THINK about the prices fhdhdjd-

Mostly Pokémon and Sanrio characters. But a few other random critters as well.

And tbh?? I don’t regret a single purchase. They’ve literally all helped me feel more comfortable and joyful these past couple months, which I’ve really needed. So, even if my bed is starting to look RIDICULOUS from sheer volume of plushies…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m living my best life

A few days ago I got a giant charmander plushy… and like. Ordinarily I’m not even the biggest fan of charmander (shut UP ABOUT CHARIZARD GAMEFREAK. IM OVER IT. GEN 1 IS POPULAR WE GET IT)

But I swear to god this young man is changing my life. It may be the softest squishiest most huggable plush I’ve ever encountered. I’ve been carrying him almost everywhere,,, starting to feel like the “ahh yes. Me, my partner, and their life sized mareep plushy” meme for real 💀💀

((How do you think Saeyoung would feel about me turning our bed into a literal mountain of plushies? Or having to compete for attention with my charmander? Hehe. ))

THERES ONLY ONE MORE THING I WANTED TO SAY…

If you’re actually taking the time to read all of this,,, holy shit thank you. And thank you for providing lonely bitches like me this outlet c’: to be able to talk… and share comfort… and express our deep love for these characters without fear of judgement. It’s really just such a lovely blog and I can never thank you enough.

But the last topic I wanted to touch on!!!

Ugh,,, I read your answer to the ask about Saeyoung with an MC into pastel goth fashion and…

That made me so happy 😭😭❤️❤️

I love fashion,,, so much. Truly one of my greatest joys in life is getting into a really cool fun outfit and strutting around Knowing that I’m cool as fuck and I look like a sexy badass 😤😤 it’s simply the most powerful feeling.

Love when I’m wearing an outfit I know looks fire and I can’t stop smirking haha.

And I just,,, love being flamboyant and silly and having fun with it. I’m 100% the type of person to walk into a store and go “this is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. The colors and patterns are such a mess they’re practically nauseating. I NEED IT.”

I have a collection of tacky button up shirts that could probably blind a man lmao. And JACKETS?? Don’t get me started on jackets. Boots,,, cargo pants,,, earrings,,, big colorful sunglasses. Ugh. <3

Since I’ve been so sick I haven’t been putting much effort into my appearance. My outfits were so joyless for a while… and then, well. I’ve spent the last month and a half wearing exclusively Pajamas and Hospital Gowns 😭

Considering that my main fashion inspirations ordinarily fall somewhere between Elton John, Lil nas x, and Jojo’s bizarre adventure…

Quite the glow down haha

I don’t think I realized fully how much I missed that until I read your ask…

You inspired me to go looking for some fun new clothes online. And now I’m feeling so excited and impatient for them to get here because I can’t remember the last time I got to put together a fun outfit… I actually wanna like,, get up and get dressed for the first time in so long c’: if only to waltz around my apartment a little bit and take a few selfies.

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get back to my FULL level of glamour,, my inflammation is still pretty bad so my face and body are kinda weird and swollen and lumpy right now 🥴 and again,,, standing and walking are still very much a challenge. Idk if I could wear heels right now haha I’m wobbly enough on my feet already.

But I can’t wait to get back into it…

Like you were saying in that ask too… another part of why I love fashion defs has to do with my gender expression… and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when people bring that up with Saeyoung 😭 it always makes me grin and fills me with so much adoration to think about Sae getting to have fun and experience that euphoria with clothing and fashion as well… and especially the thought of us getting to do it together….? c’:

Literally a concept that is SO important and special to me 😭❤️❤️

Idk what kinda wonky matching outfits we’d be putting together but I know that we would look so fuckin cool and hot 😤😤 and best of all we could have so much fun. Which… tbh, there’s nothing more I could ask for in life.

Plus of course,,, there’s always the added fun of self indulgently getting to imagine Saeyoung admiring and complimenting me on my fashion :’D and like,,, thinking I’m cool or whatever 😭

Anyways! Those are all the things I wanted to say.

If you’re still reading this,, //what’s wrong with you bahaha I’m such a rambly mess

But like. Thank you. And deadass if this is too long to read or respond to feel free to leave it in your inbox or just delete it.

Honestly it was just really nice to be able to type out all these thoughts just to sorta. Get it out and decompress, ya know…? c’:

I hope you have an absolutely beautiful day.

While I am happy to hear that you have a better understanding of what's going on in your life, I'm sorry you're going through this transitional time when you discover that you have chronic illness. That has to be the most difficult time for a lot of people. You have to make a lot of adjustments and make changes that you may not be happy with to make sure that you're taken care of. I empathize and understand this because I deal with multiple chronic illnesses. If you ever need a safe space to vent about it, this is always a safe spot. Whether you want it to be posted or not, you can always scream into the inbox.

I hope you don't beat yourself up over the new limitations and changes that are coming into your life. It'll be hard for a little while to get used to everything. But it'll be okay. I can't promise that it'll be easy in the long run. This journey is a lot different for everybody. I think what helps when you feel lonely and isolated in that regard, is to find comfort in the things that make you happy and if that is this video game, then I'm glad that you have it. It's been there for me through all of my experiences so I'm also grateful for it.

I know what it feels like to be lonely and afraid. Having my blog like this... it’s a place where I’m able to help everyone’s dream. It’s simple, it’s small, but I know even the smallest response of “Yes, your favorite character would do this for you today!” means the world to someone on their worst day. I hope that you’re able to find some spoons to dress up and feel good very soon. It’s hard to find a good day sometimes, but you’ll have soon, I’ll cross my fingers for you.

Imagine that, I mean, imagine Saeyoung gushing over you because you found the energy to get up and show off your new outfit. There’s dazzling sparkles in his eyes as he looks at you. His hands are pressed to his mouth, and he looks like he’s going to keel over in delight. He’s absolutely enamored and in love with the sight of you. “You’re so handsome! I can’t take it! I’m in the presence of the best lover! I think I’m the luckiest boyfriend in the world!” Cue him pretending to faint before you ask him if he’s getting dressed, too.

That’s when he springs back up: “Wait, wait, wait, I’ve got the perfect dress that’ll match this. I’ll even let you pick my hair style for the day!”

[marshart]

Alrighty, this time, I actually am going to take a break from writing so that I can get my head straight and figure out what I’m doing with the fanfic sobs. Just to make it easier for myself haha. So yes, there will be a wait :-)

In the meantime, I was thinking on doing a small Q&A for the characters in the fanfic (Starting Wednesday!). I won’t answer each question, but I’ll try my best ^^

This is only a Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared Q&A! (Within my AU) However, If you have any questions personally for me, that’s okay too :-)

I’m alright if you ask early. But again, it won’t be answered immediately. I’ll just pin it down and answer once I’m ready ^^

Thank you for understanding, the fanfic will be back soon, I just gotta fill some holes heh.

[pokemenlovingmen]

HELLO??? HELLO?? POKEMON MLM BLOG?? RUN BY A TRANSMASC MOD?.? holy SHIT it’s like you read my mind or something………… I Will be sending in a request when I can think of one . In the meantime I wish you so so much good luck from one guy to another （≧∇≦）🐉 (this is me claiming dragon anon b4 someone else gets there first lmao)

Yaaaaay!! We gays gotta stick together! I was worried sticking myself as a purely sfw blog on top of being exclusively masc GN or outright male reader content would make me a bit too niche and hard for the broader community to request from, but heaven help me I'm just getting the kindest responses. It's nice to meet you, dragon anon!

I lowkey have an addiction for writing stories with themes of just... the queer experience because even if I'm being a bit too realistic with my funny fighting monsters game, I grew up in a conservative podunk and including all the ups and downs of being queer is therapeutic for me. Well, that and gender affirming. X reader stuff is so fun to read but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish there was more content out there of my Pokemon man-crush *coughcoughADAMAN* where he falls for a guy no matter what anyone else has to say about it and outright calls the reader handsome, his boyfriend, other masculine-oriented terms that just make my euphoria SOAR--

On one hand the gender binary is a social construct and we should strive to not limit ourselves to it but on the other hand HOOGA HOOGA CALL ME MASC TERMS IT'S LIKE CRACK TO ME

But yeah I physically cannot manage getting into real relationships irl so I funnel all this gay lovesickness into fictional men who are MUCH easier to figure out than real people. So my demographic for this blog is myself, pretty much, but it's a delight seeing so many people who apparently share my taste!!

I've got tinkering around the blog to be doing but I should add an anons page now that you mention it.

[dark-muse-iris]

Pre-dystopian era truly encapsulates pre 2020 now doesn't it? 😂 The things the last 2 almost 3 years have brought forth in humanity is 👀 disappointing at the best of times.

I'm surprised to see just how the app has changed, as I haven't had the chance to hop on desktop just yet. It seems...almost functioning? No more character limit on asks is nice as now I don't have to break this into 6 different messages 😂 New settings and everything else to try and figure out.

I've turned 24 this last July, and the last time I was truly active on here I was 21 so the personal growth and loss that have come with that is interesting for sure. I've lost both my grandmas in the past year and my living grandfather has already remarried (oh boy the family drama that caused), moved twice and live with my boyfriend of 3 years, have gone NC with his narc family and LC with mine as best as possible, started a job that has me earning the most I ever have financially but definitely have cost a part of my soul 💀😂 and I'm trying my best to get to a place in my life where I'm debt free and in a industry I actually love and care for (cannabis and growing it) and get my boyfriend the disability coverage he needs but I'm sure you're well aware that its a poor joke of trying to get that approved. So on some notes, its been good and I've changed into a better person but also if anything bad happens in 2023 I'm very fragile about it 😂😅

I understand the "striving for mediocrety" as a workplace mentality, and just how exhausting it can feel with wanting to bring better things to the office and just getting shot down. The old dodgers of "this is how we've always done it" dont always seem to realize that doing the same thing for 40+ years only works when the system isn't as broken as it is (or if it even worked in the first place). Is being remote going to give you the chances to take care of your sleep issues and anything else health related thats popped up for you? Ik last I checked you were doing the testing to see if it was more than standard narcolepsy.

(I'll probably message again and finish my thoughts but I am night shift and my break just ended so I gotta head back. It's so nice talking to you again ☺️💕)

I’m sorry to hear about your grandmas. I lost two of mine since 2020 and it’s been really hard on the family. If my grandfather had remarried that quickly, I’d be scratching my head as to how they were able to make it happen. My grandfather doesn’t appear to be dating, but that’s likely because 1) he cooks, and 2) he’s got stage 4 cancer, courtesy of U.S. chemical warfare in Vietnam.

As someone who works in a soul-sucking job that pays well, let me just say: it’s worth it. It is absolutely worth it to have a full belly and warm place to sleep during recession years. When I worked in industries I loved and didn’t have enough to eat, I resented my dreams and hated myself for having them. Letting those dreams go gave me the chance to have other dreams and I’ve been able to forgive myself for being so hard in my early 20s. It can take years to get the life you want, so don’t let anyone shit on you for doing what you have to do to eat in the meantime, especially anyone of the older generations who did their part to suppress our standard of living.

The insistence on clinging to broken systems of the past is one big reason I transferred jobs. There’s a lot of that still going around. My managers were panicking and kept asking why I was leaving; I think they finally understood how far I’m willing to go to make sure “office culture” won’t waste my time anymore. For me, being a remote employee streamlines my workflow and reduces my workplace accommodations for narcolepsy by half. It’s also much easier to manage my ADHD at home where I can remove distractions. In the office, no one was working on our job shit; everyone just gathered around to talk about their kids or health problems or ridiculous work drama they didn’t plan on fixing themselves. I had forgotten how much time people wasted just bitching for nothing. When I hear a complaint, I want to fix the problem and get rid of it, but that wasn’t a good fit. My colleagues wanted free therapy from someone their kid’s age because *surprise* their kid isn’t talking to them anymore.

I’m hopeful for cannabis and glad you’re pursuing the field! It’s not fully legal where I live, but I have many chronically ill family and friends who rely on it because they can’t take meds or afford the healthcare they need. I have some family who are growers in different states where it’s allowed and they’re happy with the work they’re doing. I never had the green thumb for that; I’m the only who would take dead grass and make a basket out of it.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3039

my everything hurts. but the good news is the bone in my hand is more or less back together. if i poke it, it doesn't act or hurt like it's broken. sure it's tender there, but it's still healing, of course it still hurts. so back on with the brace and still no using it until next tuesday's appointment.

i washed my laundry today. it was much needed.

i realized that just wearing a sweatshirt probably won't cut it for most of the winter. i need to figure out what i can do to avoid that.

i mostly did things at home today. we pulled up the christmas boxes and started decorating today too, but christmas music wasn't playing so it was mostly okay. i'm grateful for the one station here that doesn't play christmas music yet. i owe them my life.

we put up the tree, the new window candles, and the wreaths inside. we moved the living room back together, and planned out how things will be arranged for the christmas party which is rapidly approaching. i have too much to do before that happens.

i have to call the doctor tomorrow to reschedule an appointment i have this week.

i also had class this evening - we talked about what our sections have in them to the head of the company, and i also ended up sending my professor and update email about my hand and stuff.

i also grossly overestimated how much strength and function i'd have left in my fingers after the brace time was up. as it stands, i can barely move my pinky (which makes sense) and my ring finger hurts like hell and gets in the way too much when typing for it to be useful. so i am going to struggle, likely, with writing my essays on my phone. a deadline is a deadline, and i gotta get it done soon. like, tomorrow. so i'm hoping to get a bunch done tomorrow, if not all of it. i think i'll need to find my battery pack so i can keep typing throughout the day. and if i can get my bluetooth headphones charged,'i'll use those and the cable charger to deal with things.

but i need time to myself first. so i'm hoping to get some of that tomorrow, but it's not seeming likely.

and in the meantime, i overdrew my bank account because a charge took a month to go through one account that i used yesterday, and im Displeased. so im also waiting for my refund to come in from the school, so i'm not a sitting duck when it comes to paying my bills this month.

im such a mess.

the good news is that i should get to see joel on wednesday. once i get there i'll probably take a nap lmao