Buck waits until they're back at the loft before he brings it up. He waits until Eddie rids himself of his ridiculously hot blazer and rolls up the sleeves of his turtleneck in a way that makes Buck's stomach flip. He waits until Eddie takes one look at his couch before turning around and leaning back against the kitchen counter next to the sink instead. He waits until the soft eyes and heavy looks Buck has been subjected to all night become unbearable in the stifling quiet of his loft.
"You were bluffing," Buck murmurs into the dimly lit kitchen.
"Well, yeah, we were playing poker, Buck. Hazard of the game, you know?" Eddie says it like a challenge, like a dare, like he's desperate for Buck to call him out on it.
"Eddie," he breathes, "when Mehta mentioned the shooting, and you said you didn't remember anything, you were bluffing."
"Yeah?" Eddie fiddles with the clasp of his watch, the gold one his dad had given him for his birthday in a harried attempt to make up for everything all at once, the watch that had Eddie shaking his head but smiling because his dad was trying.
"Yes."
Eddie looks up at him, head still tilted down towards the floor, dark eyes dangerous in the moonlight cutting its way into the loft. Buck gets a little breathless over it.
"How'd you know?" Eddie raises an eyebrow, another challenge.
Tell me you saw me flinch when Mehta asked about how long it took you to get all the blood off you. Tell me you saw the white knuckled grip I had on the edge of the table when the Chief asked you if getting struck by lightning hurt. Tell me you saw all the words I bit back in the kitchen that night you asked me to be honest with you. Tell me you remember it all, and I'll tell you how I tried to pull you up the ladder because I was certain that I could bring you back to me.
"Did Zeus give you telepathy as well as mental math?" Eddie goads him once more, the first time he's pushed instead of waiting Buck out for a long time. "Could you read my mind? See what I was thinking? Is that how you know?"
"I know because I know you, Eddie," Buck says quietly, unwilling to rise to Eddie's bait. "I knew you were lying the same way I knew you had a good hand because you'd tap your thigh twice under the table. I knew you were lying the same way I knew you were bluffing because the corner of your lips always twitch when you're teasing. I knew you were lying the same way I know all of your tells. Because I know you, Eddie."
"Then, why didn't you know I was lying in the kitchen?" Another challenge, another plea, another mask.
"Because I don't think you were lying then," Buck whispers. "I don't think you did remember. I think Mehta said just the right, or wrong, thing and you fled to the bathroom because you remembered everything all at once." Buck takes a careful step closer to Eddie. "But even if you had have been lying then, I don't think I would have known because I wasn't asking for the truth. I was asking for you to give me hope, and that's exactly what you did. You gave me something to hold onto, but, Eddie," Buck lets his voice crack, lets the sound bring Eddie's eyes back to his, "I've been holding onto the memories of that day for so long. Please don't make me carry them alone anymore."
Eddie's face doesn't crumple, it doesn't melt, Buck's honestly not sure there's a word for what Eddie's face does in answer to that. Its like the mask falls away all at once. His eyes fill with tears, but he doesn't look away from Buck as he takes a trembling breath.
"I don't know how you've carried it all," Eddie breathes, eyes wide and desperate. "One moment I was looking at you in that red suit, the next you were covered in my blood. I didn't- I couldn't-" Eddie wipes the back of his hand over his mouth and takes another breath. "I needed a minute, so I went to the bathroom, but then all I could see was you in a hospital toilet trying to wash the blood off your skin before you went to see Christopher. And it was so quiet, too quiet. All I could hear was you begging me to hold on, to stay with you." Eddie tilts his head up to the ceiling like he's asking for salvation.
"You asked me if I was hurt," Buck chokes out, the one sharpest memory he has of that day, the one soundbite that plays on loop in his head underscored by Eddie's scream of pain during his worst nights.
"Yeah, I did," Eddie sighs, eyes fluttering closed. Buck is transfixed by the long line of his throat as he swallows. "I had to know you were okay."
"For Christopher?" Buck asks, his own challenge issued this time.
Tell me what you needed without hiding behind Chris for once. Tell me my survival only mattered to you because of that legal document hanging over our heads. Tell me the real reason your girlfriend hated me was because I was the first person you asked for when you woke up. Tell me you remember reaching for me, and I'll tell you that I'll never ever let you go again.
"I needed to know what kind of world I'd be fighting to come back to," Eddie shrugs. "I don't know if I would have made back without knowing you were there waiting for me."
Buck feels it like a lightning bolt, like a large calibre round to the shoulder, like forty feet of earth coming down on top of him, like a ladder truck toppling over onto his leg.
"Three minutes and forty-three seconds," Buck whispers.
"What?"
"One minute and forty-six seconds to get you into the engine, three minutes and forty-three seconds to get you to the hospital, five hours and twenty-nine minutes to find out if you were going to pull through." They're numbers he knows well, not a product of lightning-induced memory enhancements, but mantras he'd repeat to himself in the aftermath of the incident. Reciting the saviour of Eddie Diaz in temporality because its the closest he could look at it there in the dark of the night on the couch, just waiting for Chris to wake up screaming for his dad.
"One minute and forty seconds to get you down, three minutes and seventeen seconds to get you to the hospital, five days to find out if you were ever going to wake up." Eddie looks at him with terror in his eyes, and Buck understands all at once that this isn't how you measure your life - in your best friend's death. "I had to count," Eddie's voice breaks again. He takes a deep breath, clenches his fists by his sides. "I had to count to know how much of you I'd lose. I had to count because my heart had stopped beating too. I had to count because I was the one driving your heart to the hospital, and I needed to know how cruel to be to myself if your heart never started beating again."
"Eddie."
"Truth is, Evan," Eddie shakes his head, purses his lips. "I don't think I had to count at all. I think my body just instinctively knew how long it had existed in a world without you in it."
And Buck hears what he's not saying because he's not saying it either.
I spent my whole life feeling like I was living with a clock ticking down over my head, but it stopped taunting me the day I met you. That's when my life really started, and the clock started ticking again when your life stopped. My life lives and dies with yours.
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Could we have some Zima relationship headcanons :]
;R1999 ZIMA - Relationship Headcanons
Compilation of headcanons about Zima in a romantic relationship.
ofc you can nonnie, ty for the request! Zima was the other character that got me into the game so he's very dear to me
also also, I'm not sick anymore so I have some steam to work on requests, hehe <3 still working on the sleepy fics though, don't worry yall!
I haven't done a proper analysis/HCs post on Zima yet, so as usual I'll be talking a little about his character before getting into the whole relationship aspect of things!
The portrayal of Zima as a stereotypical, shy introvert feels extremely reductive to me, especially when it's all attributed to his speech pattern - the pauses, the stuttering... None of it is an indication of timidness. We have to remember that Zima's native language, like many other characters, is not english and he struggles when speaking it. That's the reason he speaks in such a way, there's a language barrier he's constantly fighting against in order to communicate with others and yet he's clearly trying.
There's an emphasis on loneliness, isolation and avoidance in his character that is impossible to ignore, which seems to add to the whole portrayal of Zima as a "shy baby". But again, this is something that comes from an important part of his life - the exile he went through. Him being socially inept is a result of a punishment, years of being alone with no one but animals to keep him company. It doesn't come from a sense of inferiority or insecurity such as Charlie, but an absolute lack of human contact.
When examining his voicelines, we also see that he's opinionated - criticizing the Tsar and the poor living conditions of the people, speaking of the beauty of nature and so on and so forth. He explicitly writes poems on any surface like trees, rocks and snow, even if he knows they'll be washed away overtime.
I understand that it's extremely easy to dismiss Zima when it comes to romance because of all of these details, his isolating ways and all, but he's a poet first and foremost.
While he may not be romantic in the more traditional sense we're used to, he's extremely insightful and takes a lot of care to appreciate the small details that often go overlooked, but that make life feel more lively and rich. In the context of relationships, given his age and his lifestyle, Zima would bring a completely different type of vibe - for comparison, most of the characters I talked about already lean towards high emotions, the fun of discovering love for the first time, etc etc...
Pavia's love is a whole rollercoaster on his own because there's always the chance of either getting hurt or having the time of your life, Forget Me Not's feels exactly like being hungover in the morning. But Zima's love is more like coming home after a long trip, knowing there's a warm meal waiting for you. It's familiar and calm.
On the subject of Zima falling in love.
Zima is used to introspection, so I genuinely believe he has a strong sense of self and a good grasp on his emotions. He quickly realizes when he's fallen for someone and he accepts it easily, despite the lack of romantic interactions in his life. This is because the object of his affections is, most likely, someone he already cherishes, and who puts the effort into maintaining a good friendship with him - so the idea of being in love with them feels natural!
I can't see Zima pursuing romantic relationships with strangers and/or those outside his close circle, not even a surface attraction beyond artistic appreciation for someone's looks. He strikes me as the type who can only fall in love with those he trusts and knows.
And even then, his behaviour wouldn't change much!
It's obvious that he lacks friends, so the very few people he does have are extremely important to him - even so, Zima does not need to constantly orbit around them and will gladly spend days (and weeks if you don't actively seek him out) without seeing them, content to catch up with them whenever their paths cross. He shares what little he has to offer with everyone, practical things and knowledge. Zima is 100% that friend who disappears for months and returns as if nothing happened.
When it comes to you, it's the same. Sure, if you ask him to stay a little longer then he'll oblige you. And if you're the chatty type or find his work interesting, then he'll put the effort into having a conversation with you despite the language barrier. But that's about it, the changes aren't noticeable no matter how much he loves you, because all of that happens when no one is looking.
If you happen to stroll around in the wilderness, getting lost in the forest and all, then you might find your name carved on trees along with many, many poems. If you don't speak or read russian, then all you'll be able to recognize is your name - the very first thing Zima taught you in his native tongue - but these are all declarations of love.
The animals are kinder to you, curious even. They follow and treat you like an old friend, as if they knew you, because everything they've heard from you comes from Zima himself. They speak about everything and anything with him, after all.
Zima lacks the initiative to confess or even consider being in a proper relationship with you - I insist, he's genuinely content with being a close friend - but he also lacks the restraint to keep his feelings to himself and thus puts them on display in the only way he knows how: as a poorly kept secret between himself and the nature that surrounds him.
Not many think of him as a romantic because of how stoic he is, but when Zima is in love, he sees you in every flower, in the snowflakes that fall and kiss his nose. You're the gentle summer breeze and the crystal clear rivers once winter ends. You're right there beside him in spirit when he sees little chicks take flight for the first time, or when all the other forest critters wake up after hibernating. Zima finds beauty in every aspect of nature, and he sees you everywhere he looks.
That said, there's no way he'll take the first step. That's entirely up to you, to pick up all these things and confront him about it - that's the only time he'll be open and direct about his feelings. Because you already know how much you mean to him!
Zima would love to teach you his native language.
This is partially me projecting because english isn't my native language either, but I do like to think that Zima's english is all self-taught. He understands when others speak english, but isn't as fluent when speaking himself. And that's why it's sooo infuriating and frustrating for him, as a creative person and poet.
Not only because it's harder to communicate with others, but because his work and poems - the most important part of himself - can't be fully understood. Therefore HE can't be fully understood. Some translations, while good, can't even come close to their original meaning. As his partner, Zima wants you to understand the full depth of his affections and thoughts.
I do think that the process of learning would also be quite organic, starting with Zima simply pointing out at things and teaching you the way they're named in russian, basic stuff he does unconsciously. If you pick up things on your own from his work and his translations, Zima will be over the moon and would ask you to repeat yourself to make sure your pronunciation is right and because he loves the way his language sounds with your accent.
But if you approach and ask him to properly teach you? He's gone, instantly overwhelmed with emotion and thoughts racing in his head, trying to organize a million different things - what would be the best way to teach you? Should he start with the alphabet? You want to learn this brand new language to understand him better, that simple gesture is a huge deal for him.
Once you have a pretty good grasp on the language, at least enough to have basic conversations with him, it will feel like Zima has gotten a little bolder - addressing you with pet names, being generally more blunt and talkative... But in fact, he's just finally able to express himself in his totality.
This also goes the other way around - Zima would love to learn your own native language, whether it's english or something else. It's yet another language he can use to express himself, so it's a win-win. And I know that it's common for us multilingual people to start confusing and mixing all the languages we speak, but I think Zima would have an easy time keeping them apart, so to speak!
On the subject of Zima and how he acts when he's in a relationship.
You two were close friends before you were lovers, so Zima doesn't feel any sort of pressure to live up to some dating standards like fancy dates, gifts or grandiose displays of affections - once again, it's all about what feels natural. You two know each other more than enough to simply fall into a comfortable routine that works out for both.
He does make the effort to drop by more often, to find a middle ground until he feels more comfortable and used to being around large groups of people. But he would also insist that you accompany for his walks in search of inspiration for his work!
When it comes to showing affection, I think Zima might be a little touchstarved - casual physical contact such as someone hugging or patting him on the back as a greeting still catch him by surprise, but affectionate gestures with those he trusts and loves is a novelty that leaves Zima starry-eyed.
He has a lot of things that he needs to slowly get used to again now that he's not exiled in the middle of the woods, but having you shower him with affection is something that he grows to like rather quickly. When you pet him, pepper his face with kisses, hold his hand when walking or hug him - it doesn't matter, Zima will always stand there, fascinated with the way you make him feel, so very warm and safe.
He would appreciate a warning before being touched, and he always makes sure to ask before initiating anything himself - it doesn't matter how many times you tell him that you're fine with this sort of contact, he's going to ask for permission anyway. Just out of politeness. Personal space is important, after all.
I think Zima would try to stick to a routine he can follow without overwhelming himself, especially if you're the type to need more attention (again, Zima will literally disappear for weeks if left to his own devices). It's more of a short list of things he needs to remember to do before the day is over, the two most important ones being greeting you in the morning and wishing you goodnight.
As for more general aspects of a relationship, I don't think there's much to say! Arguments with him rarely happen because he's patient and careful with his words, he communicates his needs and boundaries as well as he respects yours and all. Zima isn't that talkative, but his more "eccentric" traits are something you're probably used to on account of that initial bond and trust.
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Okay I just need to say that I knew I'd like this Tailstube as soon as I saw the thumbnail (after all, I am a Sonadails enjoyer, and Tails is literally in the middle of them in the thumbnail)
But I think probably something that stood out the most to me when I watched it was just
The hints that Shadow and Tails have a relationship outside of Sonic??
The first thing that tipped me off to this was that not only did Tails convince Shadow to join in on his show, he also convinced him to stick around to its natural end?? You know, Shadow. The guy you can't force to do anything and frequently will just dip if he's bored or doesn't want to be there. But even while Sonic was annoying him and he made it clear he wanted the "interview" over with, he still never made a move to chaos control out of there because of any of this.
And the second thing that tipped me off was this:
When Shadow is both confused and annoyed at Sonic, he chooses to complain to Tails about Sonic. And so Tails steps in to try to "explain" what Sonic meant by what he said (i.e he told Shadow something much nicer in the interest of getting them to be on better terms). The fact that he looks to Tails to complain to about Tails' own best friend and possibly even to explain that which he does not understand in a social context tells me just how highly he regards Tails. And since both Shadow and Sonic are being childish here, it's amusing to see Tails regarded as something closer to a trusted figure with more power here.
From an objective analysis standpoint, of course this means they have their own friendship. And this is a prospect I enjoy (The idea that Tails and Shadow are good friends)! It actually means a lot to me that Tails could form a frienship or bond with Shadow outside of the context of Sonic (in terms of who initiates it and for what reason it's initiated).
But, my friends, from a biased standpoint, I'm shipping trash. And to me this Tailstube was a fun show for Sonadails fans. Honestly, Tails staging this episode to get Sonic and Shadow to talk and "bury the hatchet", as well as how he acts during the show, read a lot to me personally like a guy trying to get his two boyfriends (who happen to be rivals) to get on better terms, if not just tolerate each other. I quite like the idea of Tails dating both of these idiots and just trying to get them to play nice when they're all together (although frankly I think the ideal scenario for Tails in my biased reading is that Sonic and Shadow get together as well).
This is also not to mention the dynamics showcased here! Sonic and Tails as best friends, with Sonic assuming that he and Tails were gonna talk shit about Shadow behind his back, and Tails trying to get him to play nicer. Shadow and Tails as friends, with Tails trying to convince him why he and Sonic are in the perfect position to become friends and helping him out socially, and with Shadow choosing to do something he doesn't want to because of Tails, as well as looking to Tails to complain to when Sonic is annoying him or when he doesn't understand something. And then there's Sonic and Shadow. In short, their relationship in this episode reminded me a lot of the dynamic I plotted out for that Sonadow post I wrote up where the two just beat the crap out of each other. In slightly longer terms, I find interesting how Mr. Flynn maintained Sonic and Shadow's dynamic during SA2 (with Sonic bothering Shadow and trying to fight him, while Shadow is just annoyed that Sonic won't leave him alone) while also showing the audience that they are rivals. And in longer terms...Sonic was clearly seeking a fight during this episode. And the facial expression, the mocking, his tone of voice, it doesn’t really matter whether or not he actually dislikes Shadow and believes they could never be friends. He's trying to annoy Shadow and goad him into a fight because he wants to fight Shadow so badly it makes him look stupid. And we can tell by how he expresses his confusion to Tails that Shadow is just not getting this. To him Sonic is just being annoying and confusing. Sonic is targeting him specifically, and Shadow shoots back with his own words. And so it's also pointed that Shadow reciprocates/actually decides to fight Sonic when Sonic specifically challenges him. He doesn't respond to Sonic trying to goad him on, but when Sonic challenges him specifically he's much more interested in opposing him.
Anyways guys I love Shadow and Tails having a soft on the side relationship while Sonic flirts by convincing Shadow to fight him somehow😂💖
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