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If This Was A Movie: A Brief Retrospective
It's April 2009*, and Taylor Swift has been dumped over a 27-second phone call by Joe Jonas for half a year now. For whatever reason, despite performing the non-single track Forever & Always a LOT during this time (iconic move tbh), she now feels more wistful about that relationship and wishes he'd stayed longer. So she calls Martin Johnson, whom she's a fan of and collaborated with for that Hannah Montana song, and they get together and write If This Was A Movie.
After its release in October 2010, If This Was A Movie had largely flown under the radar, not least because it was a deluxe track. However, it has found some favour among more devoted fans (including a certain prolific YouTuber). Also, as Taylor never officially released the lyrics to this song**, occasionally there are debates on who Eli is, and whether that line in the bridge says "ever", "every day", "wary", "weary" or "worried".
We fast forward a bit and it's now November 2011. Taylor Swift has finally released the deluxe tracks of Speak Now on iTunes for purchase. One of these songs is Ours. It's widely known to be her next single, and she's just performed it live at the CMAs. It's also listed as the first bonus track so you can't miss it. So these songs debut on the Billboard 100, and...
Despite all the promo for Ours, it still comes in lower than If This Was A Movie, which debuts in the top 10. In 2011, streaming still wasn't as big of a deal, so rankings like these depended mostly on digital sales. This means that If This Was A Movie literally outsold Ours. By 17,000 downloads, in fact. Given that the songs cost $1.29 to purchase on iTunes, If This Was A Movie brought in $22k more from downloads within its first week.
Oh, and that old Instagram post I quoted above? It was originally posted on November 8, 2011, which was the first day the bonus tracks were available for download. And If This Was A Movie was already outselling Ours from the get-go.
So why hasn't Taylor Swift, a singer who puts a lot of effort into chasing chart figures, ever acknowledged the existence of If This Was A Movie? It's not like it's problematic like Better Than Revenge or emotionally raw like Dear John.
Here are three theories:
She plain forgot. She already forgot the lyrics to Mine, her lead single, on the Red tour, so it's the most probable reason. Boring though.
Something about Martin Johnson. If This Was A Movie is the only co-write on Speak Now. If Love Story is indeed about Martin Johnson like many people think, then it follows that Martin indeed the "creep" Taylor mentioned in that 60 Minutes interview in 2011, and maybe she doesn't want to give Martin any credit? But then again she performed This Is What You Came For after she split with Calvin Harris.
She doesn't think a co-written song fits on Speak Now, so she wishes it never existed. I will admit I added this after she retroactively added a song to Fearless TV. Maybe she didn't want to put it out but her label (read: Scott) forced her to? Well, I guess this is the correct answer now? Idk really.
Anyway, the song is good and it's a shame that she never performed it.
*or somewhere around that time, we can't know for sure
**that album booklet that purports to include the deluxe tracks is fake (so fake that it spells John Mayer's name wrong)
P.S. It really should be If This Were A Movie.
#i typed this post out a few days before she dropped itwam tv and it aged quite poorly#taylor swift#speak now#speak now taylor’s version#if this was a movie#ours
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Hm i love you?? Cause Age of Pleasure and SOS are perfect albums but i agree, the racism is strong in the grammy (sadly). (Still cant believe After Hours was treated the way it was).
But if Taylor win is good too for me, is just not my favorite. And Guts is fine, i guess but Liv has time to win in the future with a stronger album (imo).
(In the R&B i need to Janelle or Sza to win. If Sza doesn't win big categories, she can sweep the R&B and Rap thx)
(Also, i like Anti Hero but i kid you not when i say that What Was I Made For changed my life so i'm kinda rooting for it ngl)
The way After Hours was treated genuinely shocked me ngl. Like was I expecting it to win given the industry's racism? No unfortunately. But the lack of nominations really caught me off guard at the time given how massive it was. Like there were no grounds that it shouldn't have been nominated on imho and it being snubbed was like the most noticeable snub of the grammys ever for me personally.
But yes! Age of Pleasure and SOS are arguably my top two albums of the nomination period (I have about 10 projects that all rotate in and out of that spot, but these are the only two that made the album of the year nominations lmao) so I'm really hoping for them.
Midnights is a bit of an interesting pick for me now, not because it's unexpected, but weirdly I think it has more of a chance now that I considered before given no country artists were nominated. Like do I think that Taylor is gonna win it 4 times so quickly? No. But that's a far less confident no than I had 24 hours ago. But yeah I tend to agree that while I understand why it was chosen, it's personally on the lower half of my Taylor rankings (not saying it's bad, and hell 1989 is my lowest Taylor ranking and it won so yeah) and I personally think SZA and Janelle had much stronger albums, with SZA having the commercial success to rival Midnights, so again they're my top two picks for right now.
Olivia would either be my third or fourth pick (it flips with Midnights). Like this may be a bit of a hot take, but I think Guts is underrated due to its comparison with Sour and the unnecessary hate Olivia gets in general. Like to me it is a perfect teen album. Does that make it album of the year? No, but I see the vision and I wouldn't blame anyone else for voting for it.
And just because we're here, I may as well give my quick thoughts on the others:
Miley: - I'm a little surprised she was nominated to be honest. Like I genuinely feel like Flowers and to a lesser degree Jaded hard carried here. Like I expected her to flood the song nominations which she somewhat has, but I am a little surprised at the amount of album love. Don't get me wrong, the album was decent, it just was a little forgettable to me and felt like it didn't gain much general public attraction outside of Flowers.
Everyone else: - Just isn't for me. I get why they were nominated, I'm not saying they're bad, I just haven't found the right song/project from them for me.
As a whole, I feel like it's a very mainstream album of the year category this year, and I do wonder how that's going to play out, but yeah again, ultimately while I'm not going to be upset with any of them winning, I really do hope it's SZA or Janelle because they have the best two albums on the list in my honest opinion.
As for Billie winning, yeah I'm kinda rooting for her for song of the year too (I know I know, Taylor is long overdue, and I'm still bitter that All Too Well didn't get it but Anti Hero is not a fave for me) and for Kill Bill by SZA or Vampire by Olivia to get record of the year to be honest.
#grammys#this is so long i'm sorry. maybe i should just make a list of who i want to win all the categories i listen to lmao
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“Be” Tracklist Rankings
I had fun doing this for Blackpink’s album, so I thought why not do it for BTS as well. I literally just finished listening to the album, so these are all initial thoughts.
1. Dis-ease
Someone give Jung Hoseok his motherfucking Grammy. Like as soon as it started, I was screaming. Initially, I was like “ooh rap line killing this shit, they own this song”. But then I heard the goddamn bridge. Y’all, I cried. Like actual tears. This is why I’m in this Bangtan shit for life. Side note: this kinda gave me of “Dark & Wild” vibes. So if you’re one of those folks who for whatever reason think BTS peaked with that album, you’ll enjoy this song.
2. Telepathy
So before this album came out, I was really worried how Dynamite would fit into this. Like I really enjoy cohesiveness in albums. Anyway, I heard the first part of this song and it eased all of my worries. This song is sooo fun to listen to. Like I really want to see this live immediately. The only downside of this song is that it feels so short. It’s not, but it feels that way. Someone tell BTS to release a 10 minute version of this song.
3. Blue & Grey
Do y’all hear Seokjin in this song? Do y’all hear Taehyung? My boys killed it! I keep thinking of that one meme “it’s about the yearning”. Like the line “I just want to be happier” hits way too close to home. I feel some type of way.
4. Fly to My Room
This song makes me feel like I’m on a road trip or something. Like peak “staring out the window while on a deserted highway heading home” vibes. Like a couple years ago, I went on a road trip to LA with my aunt and my cousins and we drove this one area full of windmills. It felt magical. That’s what this song feels like. I initially wondered why it was so close to the beginning of the album because I thought it would be better suited towards the end. But I get it now.
5. Life Goes On
100% understand why they chose this as the single. It represents the album perfectly. It gives me strong Adult Contemporary radio playing at a coffee shop vibes. And the video felt like a GCF video with singing. Super personal. Like I low key felt like I was intruding by watching it. I really liked the end where they were all in the empty arena, sitting on stage. I like this side of BTS. One criticism, and maybe this was my fault for having these expectations, it did not give me Spring Day vibes AT ALL. Which is technically fine because we don’t need another Spring Day. But I wanted that same emotional impact I got when I first heard Spring Day and I didn’t get it. It’ll probably grow on me though, especially after the live performances.
6. Dynamite
This song has been out for a while. Thankfully I didn’t play it out before this album came out, otherwise I would have been sick of it by now. Like I said earlier, this song fits the vibe of the album a lot better than I thought it would. Musically speaking. Lyrically, not really. Dynamite did what she came to do and I appreciate her.
7. Skit
I have no idea what they were saying because I couldn’t find an English translation yet. But the boys sounds happy and that’s all that matters 🥺
8. Stay
To be honest, the beginning was a bit meh. Like I didn’t hate it, but it’s like Jamais Vu, where I never seek it out and will probably skip it on shuffle 75% of the time. BUT as it progressed, I think an EDM remix of the song would be pretty fun. Like if they ever perform it live, they need to lean into that. If it gave me more So What/Best of Me vibes or even Make It Right vibes, I’d like it more. Now I know that’s a controversial statement because I know a lot of fans don’t like any of those songs. But I do, so sue me. Unfortunately , it’s my least favorite. I mean, obviously, I ranked it below a damn skit. Oh well
Overall, I love this album. It almost doesn’t feel like a BTS album though, but I think that’s a good thing. I appreciate this side of them. It’s almost like their version of Taylor Swift’s Folklore. Good album, not necessarily groundbreaking (except Dis-ease and Telepathy are cultural resets), but a nice change of pace. And since MOTS7 was kinda disappointing (don’t kill me), so I’m glad BTS released an amazing album this year.
#bts#review#be#in my defense in my criticism of MOTS7; the only good OT7 songs are On and Black Swan. like I hate Louder Than Bombs#anyway stream Life Goes On#I know I ranked it in the lower half of the album but it’s still really good
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ODDINARY Poll Results!
On March 17, 2022, Stray Kids released their second full album, “ODDINARY”. A couple weeks later, STAYSTATS ran a poll (that pathetically lasted for a month, more or less) asking STAYs for their thoughts on the era in general!
Here are the results.
In total, 50 STAYs participated in this poll. Of those 50 STAYs, 36 of them (72%) consider Stray Kids as their ult group, with 26 (13%) saying that they follow other K-Pop groups along with Stray Kids. There was also 1 casual listener of Stray Kids, so thank you to them for participating!
When asked to select their favorite song in “ODDINARY”, these results were returned. For roughly half of the survey period, “Charmer” had half the votes! Ultimately, it gained 17 votes (34%) total. “Venom” is in second place with 8 votes (16%) total, and to my surprise, the title track “MANIAC” tied with “Waiting for Us”, both receiving 7 votes (14% each).
But what about their favorite parts in any of the songs in the album? Based on skimming through the comments, “Charmer”, “MANIAC”, “Muddy Waters”, and “Venom” appeared to have the most “killing” parts in the album! Some common answers included:
Changbin’s Pre-Chorus in “MANIAC” (”Poppin!”)
Rap Verses in “Muddy Waters” (more specifically, Felix’s beginning verse)
Hyunjin’s Rap in “Venom”
Changbin’s Beat-Boxing Rap in “Charmer”
Hyunjin’s “Ddang” in “FREEZE”
I also surveyed them on their favorite part of “MANIAC”’s choreography, but to nobody’s surprise, the pre-chorus (POPPIN) and chorus parts took the cake.
Time to focus on the members! It’s common in the K-Pop industry to associate a group’s era with a member, so who in Stray Kids claims this era as theirs? Literally no surprise whatsoever, it’s Changbin with 11 votes (22%)! Lee Know takes second place with 10 votes (20%), and Bang Chan somehow got 0 votes...? #justiceforchan
And then I asked STAYs who had the best styling overall this era, to which Felix won with 13 votes (26%). Hyunjin comes second with 10 votes (20%), and Changbin follows with 8 votes (16%). I also asked them for their favorite outfit, but these results have been delayed for far too long, and I cannot force myself to look for specific outfits spanning across tons of performances online. Sorry!
But where does “MANIAC” fall on their list of masterful title tracks? Was it any good to begin with? The answer is yes. With only 2 people ranking the song below an 8 on a 1-10 scale (10 being best), it’s safe to say that Stray Kids really nailed this comeback! 20 STAYs (40%) ranked “MANIAC” with a perfect 10 out of 10!
The album in general also lines up with the previous data, as “ODDINARY” received overwhelming positive rankings! 22 STAYs (44%) gave the album a perfect 10, with only 3 (6%) giving it a 7, which was the lowest score given.
How does “ODDINARY” fare with the rest of Stray Kid’s albums? I asked STAYs “Where does ‘ODDINARY’ fall if you were to rank the albums from best to worst?” After a brief skim through of the responses, a lot of STAYs did not put “ODDINARY” on top! Instead, they slid it in second or third place. Only a couple people, maybe 5 at most, put “ODDINARY” in the lower end of their rankings, though, so still pretty solid. There was also one or two who completely refused to rank the albums, and I think that says a lot about Stray Kid’s discography :)
Overall, the comments revolving around “ODDINARY” are extremely positive! Lots of STAYs pointed out how the album kept Stray Kid’s unique and authentic music while still taking a different approach on it, even saying how it sounds like 3RACHA’s predebut tracks. Quite a few mentioned the creativity put into the instrumentals and ad-libs, and generally stated how the album is cohesive and has no skips.
Thank you to those who participated in this survey, and thank YOU for reading until the very end! Currently, I am hosting a small poll in correlation to pride month, and would love for you to participate too (even if you’re not LGBTQI+)! Hope you enjoyed this research project of mine :)
- - - - -
@starrynpy @seungrachas @gwynsapphire @blueprint-han @sunflowers-rae @yoongisleftearring @dimplesnanon @crispy-chan @bossuns @ificouldhelpyouforget @hanjesungs @wingkkun @skz-said-stay @elizalabs3 @deafeninghoundcreatorweasel @solarswonderland @aroseharder @yoongle-boongle @peachy-flxwer
#stray kids#skz#stray kids chan#stray kids hyunjin#stray kids jisung#stray kids minho#stray kids lee know#stray kids felix#stray kids changbin#stray kids seungmin#stray kids jeongin#stray kids i.n.#stray kids in#stray kids i.n#bang chan#lee minho#lee know#seo changbin#hwang hyunjin#han jisung#lee felix#kim seungmin#yang jeongin#3racha#kpop#kpop stray kids#kpop skz#cb97#spearb#j.one
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[Zone Info]
Events:
Helium I - Fought between 1993 and 1998 when tensions between governments around the world finally turned to war. Nuclear warfare wiped out Northern-Middle Eurasia, most of South America, South-Eastern North America, and Southern Africa. The war ended when what was left of Europe and Asia surrendered.
The Rise of Better Living Industries - BL/ind started as a weapons manufacturing/power company that rose into a major monopoly and self-governing body that overthrew the US toward the end of the first Helium War. It immediately began an effort to bring “peace” to the nation by ridding the country of all individualism and “radical” beliefs, believing that different ideas would turn into conflict. This quickly turned into ridding the country of creativity and self-expression to make a perfect, crime-free society.
Helium II - Fought between 2006 and 2011 when Better Living Industries had taken control of what was left of North and South America and began attacking the rest of the world, trying to rid the planet of ideas that didn’t match theirs. The East Coast started rebelling against the West Coast, where BL/ind had established their capital in what was once Los Angeles but had been renamed Battery City. A wall of nuclear bombs was dropped around the Rocky Mountains and thanks to the radiation around the globe affecting the radio waves, no one knows for sure whether there is anyone else living on the planet outside of Battery City and its surrounding Zones.
The Rise of the Rebels - Since the very beginning of Better Living Industries’ reign, rebels had appeared. When Battery City was established as BL/ind’s capital city, settlements started popping up in the desert outside of the city. On the East Coast of North America, a massive rebellion effort was led against BL/ind during the second Helium War. As the years passed, more rebels started appearing in Battery City and moving to the desert, eventually renamed The Zones, especially after BL/ind seemed to have destroyed the East Coast rebels. Rebels in the Zones became known as Killjoys and rebels in the city became known as Juvie Halls. Rebels began attacking Better Living Industries factories and facilities, hoping to weaken the company but only resulting in angering BL/ind.
The Fires of 2012 - From April till August of 2012, Better Living Industries began lighting fires across the Zones in an attempt to destroy the Killjoys, as they had grown out of BL/ind’s control. The Fires got out of control and ended up spreading to some Better Living Industries camps and buildings that were still stationed in the Zones. As a result, BL/ind blamed the rebels for the Fires and denied any claims of the truth. The blame being placed on the rebels sparked the start of the Analog Wars.
The Analog Wars - Fought between 2012 and 2017 or, to some, from 2012 to the present. The Analog War wasn’t your usual war; it was mostly small battles in the Zones or sabotage of BL/ind or rebel facilities. Better Living Industries describes it as “an effort to suppress the rebels and their radical and dangerous ideals.” During the war, BL/ind established the Draculoid and S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W units.
The Pig Bombs of 2017 - On July 4, 2017, Better Living Industries dropped a series of bombs in Zone 8 to destroy the Killjoy farming communities that were settled there. BL/ind had previously withheld using nuclear weapons in the Zones because they didn’t want the radiation destroying Battery City so they settled for dropping them in Zone 8, although they ended up also destroying several important Better Living Industries facilities in the process. The bombs wiped Zones 7, 8, and 9 off the map, left some places in Zone 6 uninhabitable, and created a wall of radiation around the Zones and Battery City, trapping them and isolating them from the rest of the world. This marked the end of the Analog Wars, although some believe that since there was no official surrender or treaty, the war is still going on.
Places:
Battery City - The capital of whatever is left of the US that Better Living Industries can control. In Battery City, the citizens are required to take “Happy Pills.” In the city, BL/ind controls the weather, the way people dress, where kids go to school, and where adults work. Every citizen has a set routine, sent to them in the morning along with their medication. In the center of Battery City is the Better Living Industries headquarters which is the tallest building and largest complex in the city and home to the Director, the head of BL/ind.
The Underground - The subway systems under Battery City where many juvie halls live and plot against Better Living Industries. “The Underground” doesn’t always literally mean the subway systems and can be used as a relative term for anywhere juvie halls may live.
The Outskirts - The edge of Battery City, bordering Zone 1. This is where lower-class citizens live, along with some juvie halls, as this is the least regulated part of the city.
The Zones - The desert surrounding Battery City, where the Killjoys live. As the number of the Zone gets higher, so does the population, as the Killjoys like to be as far away from Battery City and BL/ind headquarters as possible.
Route Guano - The most used interstate in the Zones, running from south-eastern Battery City all the way out past Zone 6.
The Getaway Mile - The interstate south of Route Guano, which is shorter and goes more south but is often used for quick escapes from Battery City.
Death Valley - The area outside of Zone 6 that is dangerous and completely uninhabitable due to the extreme radiation.
Lighthouses - Well-known places across the Zones that provide sanctuary for Killjoys on the run
Train Station Avenue - A popular lighthouse along Route Guano in Zone 5 that is notorious for fights, food, and hitchhikers
The Nest - The largest lighthouse in the Zones, located next to DESTROYA in Zone 4
DESTROYA Site - The home of DESTROYA, a massive droid built by Better Living Industries to destroy the Killjoys during the Analog Wars but ended up malfunctioning and turning against them. The droid was shot down and has remained there ever since.
The Bunker - An underground bunker turned nightclub in Zone 6, popular for raves and huge amounts of attendees
Witch’s Hut - A small hut in Zone 6 where a supposed prophet of the Phoenix Witch lives
The Tracks - A race track in Zone 5 used for competitive drag races where parties are held and bets are placed for your favorite racers
Vocabulary:
Angel Cake - Killjoys who travel across the Zones selling food for cheaper prices
Audition - Initiation rituals that gangs in or outside of Battery City may have for you to be able to join. What you have to do varies from gang to gang
Babysitter - a term used to poke fun at a gang leader but also used as a genuine term for gang leaders who may be visibly older than the rest of the gang
Bacon - dead or dying Dracs and Crows
Batt out of hell - a term for new Killjoys but not used in a derogatory way
Batt Rat - a derogatory term used by Sand Pups to describe new Killjoys who just escaped the city and don’t know the Zone ways
Black Smith - someone who’s good at repairing or modifying technology or cars
Bifrost - places in the Zones that were so greatly affected by bombs, that the sand turned to glass
Blanket drive - driving at night with the headlights off, the windows down, and the music turned up loud
Carbons - The currency used in Battery City and the Zones. One carbon equals four dollars
Chilly - something or someone that’s suspicious
Clap - a physical fight
Cloud - A large group of Draculoids and S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W traveling through the Zones
Compass Rose - a Killjoy who knows the desert like the back of their hand
Costa Rica - things that went crazy or got out of control
Crash Queen - a daredevil or thrill seeker who is known for doing things that could easily get them killed and doesn’t care
Deadfaced - taking Battery Acid
Dead Pegasus - a fuel company in the Zones
Debut album - someone’s first love
Digital - An important moment shared amongst two or more rebels that they know they will never forget
Draculoid - droids and brainwashed Killjoys designed to kill rebels. Also called "bats" or "Dracs"
Drifter - someone who lives a nomadic lifestyle and strays from commitment in relationships
Drifting - A relationship that isn’t strictly anything but simply some sort of attraction between two individuals. A sort of go-with-the-flow, whatever happens, happens kind of relationship
Drive sidestreet - another way to tell someone to piss off. Also could use “get off the highway”
Dust Trail - an urban legend or a term used by non-religious Killjoys to describe religious Killjoys’ beliefs
ElectroKat - the most popular battery brand in Battery City and the Zones
Exterminators - High ranking Better Living Industries officials placed in charge of S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W units
Fact News - The one news program in Battery City, notorious for spreading lies to the citizens
Favorite Record - someone’s significant other
Firefight - a fight using ray guns
Fly half-mast - that state after having recently lost someone close to you
Gearhead - someone who’s obsessed with all things mechanical
Gemini - someone suspected of being a spy for Better Living Industries
Ghost Chase - Searching the Zones for someone who is possibly, or most likely, dead
Ghosted - killed. Also can use "dusted"
Graffiti Bible - A collection of religious writings across the Zones, mostly talking about how DESTROYA will come back to life and destroy Battery City and the Phoenix Witch
Gravehead - crazy Killjoys who have lost everyone and everything and throw themselves into dangerous situations
Gravity - anything that brings you down
Groupie - someone who travels with different gangs and trades favors for food, water, and protection
Halo Head - religious Killjoys who believe their beliefs put them above everyone else, especially non-religious Killjoys
Happy Pills - Pills issued by Better Living Industries that they say will lift your spirits and protect you from the radiation but make you more submissive and easier for BL to control. The rebels call them "Battery Acid"
Hit the red line - run away, usually from a bad/dangerous situation
Icy - when someone dies or goes missing in a suspicious way
Juvie Hall - rebels who haven’t left the city, usually because they can’t or because they’re working with the Killjoys to smuggle supplies out to the Zones and/or give them information from the city
Killjoy - rebels who live in the Zones
Lawyer - someone who ruins all the fun
Mailbox - small landmarks in the Zones where an old mailbox is painted and decorated and filled with letters, mostly to people that other Killjoys have lost. The more religious Killjoys believe the Phoenix Witch delivers the letters put in the mailboxes to the dead
Maple Plaza - Places in Zone 6 where radiation is still very thick and dangerous
Mega - interchangeable with "wicked"
Motorbabies - people who live and breathe all things car-related
Mousekat - a cartoon character from Battery City
Murder - a magazine in the Zones with Zone news
Pangea - A friendly gathering of two or more gangs
Paperboy - someone who travels across the Zones collecting news, gossip, and reporting deaths, usually for Dr. D or Murder magazine
Phoenix Witch - a supposed deity of the Zones, looking out for the rebels and carrying the souls of the dead into the afterlife
Pigs - another term for Dracs and Crows
Plus - A battery replenisher used by droids that are known for being highly addictive
Power Pup - a pre-moistened dog kibble brand that is often the only source of food in the Zones
Ray Gun - guns that shoot high-powered lasers instead of bullets. Rebels often customize them
Rebel - anyone who actively works against Better Living Industries
Ritalin Rat - drug addicts, usually used for those addicted to Happy Pills but can be used for Zoneweed addicts as well
Robin Hood Honey - party going Killjoys that look beautiful but don’t act like it
Rongee Kay - Killjoys who wander from party to party
Royal - something fancy or high end
Runners - juvie halls who smuggle supplies into the Zones
Sand Pup - someone born in the Zones or someone who has lived there most of their life
Sand Worm - a derogatory term for Killjoys used by Better Living Industries
S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W - BL loyalists specially trained to destroy anything they deem worthy of destroying. Also called "Crows"
Screwhead - someone who parties too much and thinks too little
Shiny Magazine - a magazine for mature readers in the Zones
Shiny - interchangeable with "awesome" or "cool"
Shower Curtain - A rare day when the sun is behind the clouds and the heat isn’t so unbearable
Smiley - someone acting suspiciously
Sour - something off
Squeaky - not having committed a crime against Better Living Industries but still wanting to rebel against them. Also used when someone seems to avoid fights or dangerous situations even though they’ve never done that before
Static - another word for sand or remote areas of the Zones
Trojan Horse - a painfully obvious lie
Tumbleweed - someone who wanders the Zones, living a nomadic lifestyle, having no home or gang
Vend-a-Hack - A device used by Killjoys to hack into Better Living Industries vending machines to steal various supplies
Vending Machine - Dispense a variety of items, including ray guns, batteries, ammo, stickers, stress toys, Plus, Power Pup, and water
WKIL 109 FMX - Doctor D’s pirate radio station that plays news and music
Zone Rat - a derogatory term for Killjoys used by Better Living Industries and some Battery City citizens
Zoneweed - a popular drug grown and passed around in the Zones
#mcr#my chemical romance#killjoys#the zones#danger days#better living industries#bl/ind#party poison#fun ghoul#jet star#kobra kid#death tw#drugs tw
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this is for beyonce enjoyers ONLY
[the rest of yall can stand guard or smth idk but u have to be #REAL to consume this piece of media!]
i just wanted to come on here and let y'all know that mammon has actually had virgo's groove on repeat since it dropped and no one in the devildom has had a single ounce of peace. he fully believes he is beyonce's chosen. he refuses to listen to reason. he really needed this win. if it helps, there are intermittent bursts of energy and break my soul. but you're gonna have to give him a few more weeks before he listens to anything else. his vibe is unkillable right now, sorry to say.
while i'm here, i would also like to inform everyone that barbatos has not turned the album off at all; he actually keeps it on a loop for emotional, moral, spiritual, and physical support, something that only beyonce can provide in these trying times. solomon and asmo tried to invite him to their private listening party but he has a ritual every time beyonce releases and he needs to perform it by himself. his favorite is "america has a problem" because that's exactly how he tells dia, "no." ;; he actually cannot rank the rest of the album, do not ever ask him for a second favorite. it's alien superstar. category: sex-y Bitch, HE'S THE BAR! [bonus: when he realized That Man wasn't on the album, he actually opened a bottle of demonus just for himself.]
so the opening monologue in alien superstar actually plays in lucifer's head whenever he gets ready. that's just true. he listens to beyonce holding herself in the Highest regard and applies it to himself because who's gonna tell him it doesn't apply. he IS that girl, MOVE! speaking of move, that's his second favorite song off the album. something about "move move move move, yeah you gotta move move—" really speaks to him [because that's what he thinks as he's walking literally anywhere with a lot of people. if he doesn't know anything at all he knows every1 better move out his way!]
dia's favorite is move as well because . he's the Prince . it is engrained into devildom customs that everyone has to move out of his way. as far as he's concerned ms carter made that song for him. and when she says "me and my girlfriends, came out to play" ? do not. do Not. that line is about him, lucifer and barb like WHAT. [bonus: his second favorite song is cuff it because he luvs a little feel good song, esp one about a night on the TOWN! also he sings "can i sit on top of you" directly to lucifer it's true it's- [GUNSHOTS]
levi won't admit it but he did listen to the album in private because he understands that he would be the worst kind of loser if he refused to listen to beyonce. his number one is cozy because singing it to himself enough does help him feel a little more comfortable being himself it's chrew it's the feel good beyonce effect! his second favorite is virgo's groove, but he thinks virgos absolutely did not deserve it. if he's being honest, barb deserved it; it should've been leo's groove, and he'll say it whenever he gets the chance but he still shakes ass trust and believe that.
satan's favorite is thique. don't ask him questions about it, her lower register does something to him mentally. his second favorite is he listened to the album on his own as well, and called barbatos as soon as he was done, just to say, "she's done it again." and the two of them met up immediately to listen to it together [they've been doing this since self-titled]. barb had him practice his club dancing again. [no, i'm never gonna let that go because why is barb such a menace and sexy abt it like MOVE!]
asmo has not let go of alien superstar or pure/honey. he refuses to turn them off. beyonce said "category: sex-y bitch, i'm the bar" and it was like she planted something in his brain. that woman said "bad bitches, to the left. money bitches, to the right. you could be both, meet in the middle, dance all night." and it was like she took half of his soul and bottled it to keep. he has a favorite song for every single scenario; alien superstar for when he's getting ready for school, pure/honey for when he's getting ready to go Out, thique for when he's getting ready to go see solomon -
so belphie heard "MOVE OUT DE WEY" and sat up in bed. like i was there and i watched it happen. beel can confirm because he was also at the listening party. he hasn't turned this album off either, quiet as he keeps it. it's all he plays in his headphones; he really does think beyonce laced it with something and that he's been enchanted [made worse by the fact that he does not care that he hasn't listened to anything else in weeks].
beel was actually eating during the listening party [so he could be in top form for beyonce] and then "flip-flop, flippy, flip-floppin' ass BITCH!" actually made him stop chewing. belphie can confirm. he is also very partial to thique because . come on . come On. he keeps thique, pure/honey, heated, and alien superstar on a loop whenever he works out; he has no room for anything else it's true. something about "all my pretty boys to the floor," "category: sex-y bitch, i'm the bar" and "ass gettin' bigger" really just . does something to him when he's in the weight room. no one has come within 20 feet of him while he works out since this album dropped.
solomon's favorite is all up in your mind. yes he thinks about lucifer whenever he plays it, which is 10 times a day. you know, he really just . feels like ms carter was reaching out to him with that one, like she knew what he goes through every day with lucifer because, really . all he wants to do is be in lucifer's mind and lucifer barely gives him the time of day >:[ . [bonus: solomon's second fave is move; asmo saw his eyes when beyonce said "me and my girlfriends, came out to play" and can confirm that move legitimately turned solomon into a pure-blooded demon for the duration of that line]
simeon's favorite is plastic off the sofa </3 . i literally don't even wanna write any notes like everything speaks for itself u just have to feel it to get it. no but he really likes her softer songs it's true he told me; he likes to listen to it on a loop while he cleans and makes dinner. [bonus: he was the last person to listen to the album [listened two days after drop], so mammon sent him church girl and told him he'd like it, as an incentive to make him listen to all of it. simeon was . Not expecting a song called church girl to sound like that, but it's his second favorite song on the album . don't tell mammon . his third favorite is virgo's groove. Do Not Tell Mammon .]
bonus : if you share a favorite song with any of these men it means your souls are holding hands. so if u share a top song with anyone other than your favorite man it's time to reconsider who your favorite man is
bonus bonus: luke is not allowed to listen to this album because it is for grown people. luke actually isn't allowed to listen to anything that doesn't have a kids version. he isn't even allowed to listen to single ladies yall it's bad 4 him!
#obey me headcanons#obey me mammon#obey me barbatos#obey me lucifer#obey me#obey me dia#obey me levi#obey me satan#obey me asmo#obey me solomon#obey me simeon#obey me beel#obey me belphie#obey me imagines
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Since you're basically Namjoon, I guess you're the second best person to answer this: on a scale of 1 to yes, how married is he and how many kids
Honestly it'd be good for me to know so that I can lower my standards back again
if he pulls a chen one day i wouldn’t be surprised, nor would the fandom be. this guy can break anything, condoms are no exception. jokes aside: i do think his married moni energy is strong and there’s no way this parental-complex-infested man becomes old without an heir to his presidency.
he’d use EVERY free minute he gets to spoil and teach his kim kiddo. if he’s changing diapers right now, my loves it’s not impossible. then again: namjoon is impossibly smart. smart people overthink entering relationships and live more isolated lives. and: he’s way too busy in the limelight.
remember: it’s always the one you suspect the least. the one that’s overlooked and kind of cheeky and cheesy, with less intense hype going for him.
taeyang pulled it off back then. he was always in the second row in terms of spotlight. chen was never at exo’s after-work dinners. guess why. he also ranks like 2nd last in popularity polls. cuz he doesn’t feel the subconscious need to present himself and affirm his desirability to a high degree, and expand the demand for him, and yearn — he got a lady at home.
meanwhile baekhyun is cranking out 4 albums in a row, livestreams half of his day, practices til 4AM and has a huge personality, is desperately bonk-level horny and everyone’s favorite because he pulls fan service to an extreme. and he talks about having kids a lot. chen never did. because he was too busy making one. the bts member that has talked the least about kids will be the better bet. it’ll be the one that comes as a shock.
i say jin is likelier than joon. hell, even hobi with yoongi the runner-up. especially because yoongles is THE (!!) master of privacy and household skills. a guy who installs that many doors and locks and puts a middle finger cat doormat in front of it has something to hide. and he was the first one to assure namjoon back then: “you still can have kids”. and he’s always tired. even if hoseok rings to bring him food, he never opens the door more than an inch. JESUS.
like... i guess we call yoongi grandpa because his kids already have kids 😂 if our sugar boy’s cover is blown quote me on this prediction. the truth is, it is i. i am yoongi’s wife. he’s sitting right next to me producing bts’ next hit song making the cute :| face. if i’m namjoon 2.0, what does namjoon do? stay by yoongi’s side after all. should i pass the yoong any greetings from you?
#yoongi#namjoon#crack posts#chen#taeyang#baekhyun#multifandom#bts analysis#rm#bangtan#anon#ask#cub mail 🐆
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Physical Fatality Part 9- Cruelty
18+ Hawks x fem, pro hero!reader
Summary: You’re a rising star in All Might’s agency. Hawks is the darling of Endeavor’s. By virtue of your job descriptions, the two of you are supposed to hate each other, or at the very least be cautiously neutral. For a long time that’s exactly what the two of you did. You stayed out of each other’s way and formed little opinion of the other. One fateful night at an HPSC gala changes all that. Based on the album Hopeless Fountain Kingdom by Halsey.
If you don’t want to see Physical Fatality content blacklist #hopelesspf
This story will have multiple NSFW parts so it is 18+ ONLY minors dni
Warnings for alcoholism
Masterlist
“No Hawks.”
“Why won’t you at least let me explain?”
“Because I suspect your explanation for why you ripped my heart out despite, supposedly, still being in love with me is going to piss me the fuck off and we have a red carpet to walk in a few minutes.”
“You always have an excuse for why we can’t talk. We never see each other at work anymore-“
“Hmm, I wonder why? It’s almost like someone’s bullshit got me kicked off the task force.”
“Not my point. I would talk to you at your place but your roommate stops me every time!”
“I always did like Mina.”
“Jesus you’re fucking impossible. I just want to make things right!”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have fucked them up in the first place.”
“I can’t change the past.”
“And I can’t deal with my feelings for you on top of trying to salvage my fucking career.”
“So you admit there are still feelings?”
“How is that your takeaway from that sentence?”
It’s been about three days since the article about you and Hawks dropped. You are about four minutes from a heart attack and you think Hawks may be a maniac but he doesn’t know it. Your ride to another bullshit HPSC event stops and your door is opened to reveal a red carpet and a hoard of paparazzi awaiting your arrival. You and Hawks had just been fighting in your limousine but they don’t know. They can never know. So Hawks steps out and carefully smooths out his designer suit before reaching a hand down to help you out of the car. You take his hand and gracefully step out in your equally designer shoes and dress. You smile at each other as if your love is pure and uncomplicated. You smile at the paparazzi as if they aren’t the bane of your existence. You smile as you make your way into the event as if you aren’t literally dreading it. It honestly makes you feel nauseous. But this is the reality of modern day hero work. It’s as much about image and politics as it is about saving people, no matter how ridiculous you think that is.
You wish Bakugo and Midoriya were here so you’d at least have some uncomplicated friendly faces but they’re probably off doing actual hero work. You get the honor of shaking the hands of wealthy donors to the HPSC and interacting with heroes you’d probably recognize if you hadn’t been black out drunk at the last ranking ceremony. “I’ll grab us drinks,” Hawks sighs in a rare break the two of you have between meeting people. “I think that’s the first smart thing you’ve said all night,” you reply. He resists the temptation to roll his eyes as he tells you he’ll be right back and walks towards the bar. He isn’t gone long before you hear a deep voice behind you say, “I heard you were removed from the task force.” It takes everything in you not to launch Endeavor through the window as you turn to face him. “Unfortunately yes. All Might felt it was unwise for me to be on a task force with someone I was romantically involved with,” you reply as professionally as possible considering you’re still trying to figure out if the satisfaction of yeeting this prick out the window would be worth getting fired. “So I guess your little plan backfired on you then,” Endeavor says smugly. “My little plan?” “Your plan to use Hawks to climb the hero charts and gain insight into my agency.” You stare at the man in front of you and blink at him a few times. “I’m sorry can you just say that one more time?” you ask dumbfounded. This throws Endeavor off for a moment but then he clears his throat and repeats, “Your plan to use Hawks to-“ “Ok yea no that’s what I thought you said,” you say cutting him off. “I know this may be hard for you to hear but uhm, not everything is about you,” you sigh exasperatedly. “I am aware but-“ “No, no. Shut the fuck up, no but’s. There was no plan. I was just dumb enough to fall in love with your stupid ass Golden boy. Some of us are actually content just saving people regardless of some dumb, arbitrary ranking.” “Oh.” A pause. “What the fuck do you mean oh?” “I don’t owe you an explanation and you should watch how you talk to me.” “No one is paying attention to us right now, I’m not watching shit.” “Regardless you risk causing a scene.” “Oh my god, did you share your little theory with Hawks?” you press, and the sheepish look on his face is answer enough but then Hawks returns to your side, two drinks in hand, looking between you and Endeavor curiously. “Am I interrupting something?” Hawks asks with a raised eyebrow. “Babe could we talk privately for a moment?” you ask with a saccharine tone. “Uhh, sure,” Hawks replies. Next thing he knows you’re tugging him away from Endeavor and out of the banquet hall.
It pains him to realize how like and unlike this is to the first time the two of you met. The sly look Kamui Woods gives him as the two of you pass by makes him a little nauseous in all honesty. Probably because if he hadn’t fucked up so royally then maybe the two of you would be sneaking away for the reason the other man thinks right now. Instead he’s sure he’s about to get an earful because of whatever Endeavor had said to you. Eventually you tug him into a supply closet, using your quirk to find and flick on the light switch before closing the two of you into the tight space. He realizes it’s the first time you’ve been this close to him without a camera or another person nearby. “Hawks,” you start and and it hurts. It hurts every time you use his hero name when the two of you are alone. He misses the way his real name sounded on your tongue. He misses the fondness you used to have in your tone when you used it. He misses the way you’d sometimes shorten it to ‘Kei’. He misses it so much so that without thinking he interrupts you to say “Don’t call me that when we’re alone.” You ignore the interruption and that hurts too. “Did you break up with me because Endeavor told you I was just using you?” you ask him and all the air rushes out of his lungs. Finally you knew what he’d been trying to tell you for the past few days since everything went to shit. “Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I never stopped loving you (y/n) but I got scared and I’m so sorry. I never should have listened to him,” Hawks sighs and it feels like a weight off to finally tell you. “So it wasn’t that you didn’t love me,” you start and Hawks feels his broken heart starting to put itself back together, “it was just that you didn’t love me enough to have faith in me.”
Wait, what?
No. No, no, no this isn’t how it’s supposed to go. Everything was supposed to get better once you found out the truth behind the break up. So why, then, do you look so distraught? “No, baby, no that’s not it,” he tries to assure you but you shake your head. “Isn’t it? You love me but not enough to hear out my side of the story before you dumped me. You love me but not enough to ignore the words of a man I’ve never had a full conversation with prior to today,” you point out. “I was just scared. He threatened my career and I just-“ “Just what? Hawks I can count on one hand the number of people who have genuinely had faith in me. That makes it really important to me. I thought I could count you as one of them.” “Hey, that’s not fair. I have faith in you but if you were in my shoes you would’ve made the same decision.” “And what shoes were those exactly?” “The shoes of someone hearing a man they’ve known and trusted for years tell them all the reasons why they’re an idiot to trust the woman they just met a few months prior.” “I didn’t realize I gave so many reasons for you not to trust me.” “That’s not what I meant and you know it. As dumb as I think the rivalry is it’s no secret that the lower ranks in both our agencies still believe in it and up until a year ago that was you.” “You could’ve asked.” “Maybe so but he also pointed out that there’s no way you couldn’t have fucking known who I was considering I’m the only hero with bright red fucking wings on my back,” Hawks grits out and as if on cue his wings are flaring and puffing up in the small space as if to emphasize his point. “Oh....” you trail off.
You have to admit he has a point on the last one. Sure, he could’ve asked. But Hawks never knew how problematic your drinking habits could be. Once the two of you got together you started getting sober so you hadn’t seen a reason to mention it. If he had asked you directly you don’t know that you would’ve been able to tell him the truth and that would’ve seemed to confirm Endeavor’s theory. “Yea, ‘oh’,” Hawks says and you almost wish you could hear more resentment in his tone instead of resignation because you are still so, so angry with him but you’re starting to see his side now and you hate it. At least if he resented you there wouldn’t be as much guilt for the blind rage you’d channeled his way. “That’s the one piece I still can’t make fit to be honest. Why’d you pretend not to recognize me?” he asks and if you didn’t still love him you’d probably give a half assed lie and be done with it. But you do, and he sounds so fucking heartbroken that you decide he at least deserves the truth. “I never gave a shit about the hero rankings. Who cares if you’re number 1 or number 50 as long as you’re saving people, y’know? So I never watched the ranking ceremony on tv and the one year I went in person I got black out drunk beforehand because Monoma was finally in the top 10 and he was being absolutely unbearable and I knew he’d continue to be for the rest of the night. So I drank and now I don’t remember any of it. I literally don’t know what any hero I haven’t directly worked with looks like. I know the names but couldn’t match them to faces for the life of me. Even with your ‘bright red fucking wings’. Bakugo actually gave me shit for it when I realized who you are,” you explain. “Would you have told me all that if I had asked you then?” he asks. “Probably not,” you admit. The kiss afterwards is unexpected but not unwelcome.
Hawks doesn’t consciously decide to kiss you. It’s just one moment you’re admitting you may not have been able to dispel his concerns and the next he’s reaching for you. He doesn’t regret it though. The moment your lips touch it’s like a missing piece of him has slotted back into place. It quickly grows heated and his hands find their way to your waist to reel you in closer and closer until there’s hardly any space between the two of you. He’s missed this so much it’s been a physical ache and he pours every bit of that pain and regret and heartache and love and hope, such agonizingly desperate hope, into the kiss, praying it will convey even a fraction of what he’s been feeling the past few days. Praying that maybe he can reach you and the two of you can go back to the bliss you enjoyed before he let Endeavor get in his head and ruin things. But then he feels wetness on his cheeks and when he pulls back to look at you he realizes you’re crying. “Why are you crying Love?” he asks as he reaches both hands up to cup your face and wipe the tears away. “Because if you feel even a fraction of what I feel when I kiss you, I don’t know how you could ever think it was fake,” you confess and it shatters his heart all over again. “(Y/n), I-“ “I wanna go home.” “Ok, I’ll fly us back to mine and we can-“ “No Hawks. My home. My apartment. I need... I need time.” “Ok.”
The two of you sneak out of the event. The tabloids will likely be flooded with headlines about how you and Hawks are so madly in love you had to sneak away for a supply closet tryst only to realize that wasn’t enough and decide to just bail on the event entirely. They’ll be wrong, of course, but it’s better they run that than the truth. Neither you nor Hawks says a word as he flies you to your apartment. Only once you’re standing in your open doorway does Hawks pipe up. “I have to leave tomorrow for a mission,” he says. “Task force?” you ask, although you’re not sure if you want to know the answer. “Yea. Task force,” he confirms. “Oh.” “Yea.” “Ok. How long will you be gone?” “I don’t know but at least a week.” “So I get a week’s break from the circus,” you say and part of you knows it’s a cruel thing to say, but another part of you says it’s only cruel if he actually cares for you as much as he claims to. “Yea, I guess so,” he says and he sounds so goddamn sad. You’re hurting him. You’re hurting him and you wish you could make yourself stop but you can’t. “Goodnight Hawks,” you sigh and then you close the door before he can respond. He stands staring at the closed door for a long while. You can tell by the shadow underneath the door. Eventually though he sighs and you hear him walk away with heavy, defeated steps.
Which is crueler: Him hurting you unintentionally because he never gave you the chance to explain? Or you intentionally breaking his heart the way he broke yours? You suspect you won’t like the answer so you go to the kitchen to grab a drink and try and forget you even posed the question in the first place.
You told Hawks his time away would be a break. In actuality it was agony. You went to work and then you went home. Bakugo and Midoriya were getting worried but work kept them busy enough you could avoid their questions and their concern and their judgment for the most part. “Why don’t you just talk to him?” Midoriya had asked one day. “She doesn’t owe him shit,” Bakugo had scoffed. “Maybe not,” Midoriya had acknowledged before turning back to you to say “but that doesn’t change the fact that the two of you love each other and you’re the one who decided to fake the relationship to the press. Even if you guys don’t start a real relationship again the least you could do is make sure you aren’t actively making each other miserable.” “I’ll think about it,” you had replied, but you decidedly didn’t think about it.
It’s been two weeks now since Hawks went away. You miss him. You wander into your kitchen, grab a bottle of Cabernet, open it, and are turning to lock yourself in your room when you nearly bump into an unfamiliar man with blonde hair with a single, lightning shaped black streak. “Who the fuck are you?” you ask once you’ve recovered. The man looks shaken by the question and a tad bit intimidated. “I’m, uh, Denki. Your new roommate? Mina introduced us the other day. You said hi, told me not to let Hawks in if he shows up, and then locked yourself in your room,” he explains sheepishly. You have zero recollection of this. You were probably drunk when it happened. “Oh... Well I’m (y/n) in case I forgot to mention it before,” you awkwardly introduce yourself before stepping around him. “See you around I guess,” you call over your shoulder before going back to your room and locking the door behind you.
You’re about halfway through the bottle of wine when it hits you what a sad sight this is. You’re wasting a perfectly good Saturday sitting at home alone and drinking by yourself in your locked room. The press would have a field day if they knew. You go to take another swig from the bottle, you’re far too sober to deal with everything you’re feeling right now, when you suddenly hear the sound of your lock shifting. You dismiss it at first as Mina trying the door to come check on you, but then it suddenly swings open to reveal Denki kneeling on the ground with a bobby pin looking accomplished and a nervous but determined looking Hawks standing behind him. “I thought I told you not to let him in,” you find yourself saying as you try to process what’s happening. Denki shrugs. “Seemed like you two could use a good chat,” he says before walking away. Hawks steps into the room and closes the door back behind him. “We need to talk. For real this time. I just.... Please give me a chance to explain or, or, to just prove to you that my feelings are real or something. Anything. Please,” he begs. Hawks has always been able to play you like a violin, hitting just the right notes to get your stubborn ass to bend, even if he doesn’t seem to realize it. A voice in the back of your head reminds you it’s doubtful he realizes considering all you’ve done is treat him cruelly since that tabloid came out. He deserves some of your ire. He doesn’t deserve all of it. “Don’t you think this is a conversation that should be had sober?” you ask, raising the half empty bottle of Cabernet for emphasis. “You just got off work a little while ago which means that’s the only bottle you’ve been working on. We both know it takes way more than half a bottle of wine to get you drunk,” he points out and he’s got you there. You’re out of excuses and honestly he probably does deserve a conversation. After all, Midoriya wasn’t wrong. You had no good reason to continue to deny Hawks at this point.
“Fine, let’s talk.”
Author’s Note: THIS HURT ME TO WRITE BUT WE OUT HERE. Hawks and (y/n)’s relationship is so complicated at this point and it’s interesting to write but it’s also hard and painful to write because you want them to be happy and in love but there is so much outside of them now that is involved in their relationship. Anyway suffer with me ig 🥲❤️
Taglist [open]: @akkaso @cathy8taffy @eeppff @iikillerkitteh @pixelwisp @pokesosa @lildockel @bread0nhead
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First and Foremost
Fandom: Big Time Rush Pairing: James Diamond x Mickey Mason (OC) Word Count: 5.7k Summary: Mickey goes to cheer James up after a brutal verbal beating by Gustavo. Contents: mild flirting, teasing, show-standard humor, sadness Tag: @mystic-scripture @foxesandmagic @witchofinterest @perhapspearl @raging-violets @lareiism @ocfairygodmother @ocappreciationtag
The bright orange vinyl began sticking to his cheek, trapping his heavy sighs against his warm skin but James didn’t care. Why should he care? It wasn’t as if he had a modeling gig to run off to so the inevitable red line pressing into his cheek could stay. It wasn’t as if he had an acting gig to prepare for so he could continue to lay flopped on the couch, feet dangling off the edge, wrinkling his clothes. It wasn’t as if he had a solo moment in a song to rehearse for so he could let his throat roll an agonized vocalization around in his chest.
He'd left Rocque Records hours ago and yet he still heard Gustavo’s shouts echoing in his head: “Stop smiling like that, I hate it!”, “A garbage disposal has better timing than you!”, “I could replace you with a mop and it wouldn’t make any difference!”, and his favorite, “Okay, do it again, but this time, SING ACTUAL NOTES!”
Clearly, Gustavo was wrong. …He had way better hair than a mop so, actually, it would make a difference!
James uttered another body wrenching sigh.
It just wasn’t fair. He spent so much time rehearsing, getting his vocals warmed up, loosening his muscles to better execute dance moves. He put his all into being a pop star! Okay, sometimes he could get distracted by the lights and the glitz and glamor but who wouldn’t? Pretty people wanted to dress him, sculpt his hair, perfect his image (not that they had to do much on that front), have them joint their ranks, put him in the spotlight where he belonged. Why was it a bad thing? When it came down to it, he wanted this. He always wanted this!
Kendall, Carlos, and Logan didn’t get it. He loved his buds, but that didn’t mean he didn’t see their eye rolls, hear their scoffs, or feel their dismissive aside glances when he talked about a potential modelling job or how he was, in fact, the best person to lead a song (or sing the whole thing, why split hairs?), or when he shared his dream of buying a house to turn it into a personal salon/display museum for his bandanas. (It makes sense to keep it all in one place!)
All he was trying to do was make his dreams a reality. It wasn’t as if he was pushing his buds off a cliff to get there. It’d happen eventually. It was inevitable. (The recognition, not the cliff-pushing.) He had the face, he had the voice, he had the talent, he had the body, he had the face. He was born for this life. He was meant to be doing this!
But no one else seemed to notice.
Groaning, James turned onto his side, tucked his arm beneath his head and curled his knees up to his chest. If Katie were around, she’d point and laugh at him, maybe say he was being a big baby or some other phrase with big words he didn’t understand. Thankfully she, the guys, and Mama Knight were off at an LA Kings game. He’d been looking forward to the game for weeks but going didn’t appeal to him after the day he had. He’d taken enough hits to watch other people get tossed around like a ragdoll.
Sometime later he heard the distinct sound of someone climbing the stairs to get to the swirly slide entrance and yet he still didn’t move. Instead, he watched dust motes float and around the shafts of gold light seeping in through the blinds.
“Hey, it’s just me.” Ordinarily James would’ve jumped up at the sound of Mickey’s voice, double-checking his reflection in his lucky pocket mirror to ensure he was presentable and his muscles were at their peak. He couldn’t let her see him at anything other than his best. He was James Diamond! He didn’t do mediocre! This time, though, he stayed still, listening as she came down the swirly slide, the rubber on her docs tapping against the ground on her dismount. It was the only time she didn’t knock before entering. The door was always open, and people came and went as they pleased, but not Mickey. She made sure to knock every time. It was polite, she explained, looking at them all as if they’d been raised by wolves.
He mentally followed her footsteps—always with that cute little bounce to it—around the back of the couch heading to the island until she came into view. She dressed comfortably as always: dread locks pulled back into a half updo with gold rings and cuffs, her favorite cropped white *NSYNC hoodie depicting the image of their first album cover, dark skinny jeans, pale blue docs and a makeup-free face. She never wore makeup except for occasions where it called for it such as appearances, interviews, and photoshoots. James never thought she needed it.
“I’m just picking up my Tupp…er…ware…” He watched as Mickey’s eyebrows collided and she leaned to the side, peering at him as if she didn’t recognize him on the couch. He didn’t blame her; he was sure he wouldn’t recognize himself if he could see himself right now. “James? Are you okay?” she asked, taking a few steps closer, tucking a lock behind her ear.
James’ lips pushed out another sigh. “I’m sad,” he replied. No sense in hiding the obvious. His lower lip already dropped to a pout upon uttering the words and he couldn’t fight the wave washing over him, dragging his mood further (if that were possible).
Shoving her hands into the front of her pockets she approached. “’Cause of Gustavo?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
He blinked. “That’s it.”
Her eyebrow arched. “No it’s not. I can see it all over your pretty face.” Sliding a hand out her pocket, she wiggled a pointed finger at him, motioning in circles around his face.
“Hmph. At least you think it’s pretty,” he mumbled.
She sat on the floor in front of the couch, turning her knees to the side, propping her elbow on the cushion and her cheek on her fist while turning to him. He looked back at her, taking in her freckle dotted nose. Her dark eyes squinted for a moment, mimicking the small pull to her mouth until they both relaxed. “What’s up? Besides the Gustavo part. I was wearing soundproof headphones while recording my bass lines today—I still heard him through it. And while that sucked, I know that’s not the only issue.”
“Maybe I just wanted to be alone.”
“James, you can’t go an elevator ride without needing someone to talk to.” Her mouth quirked in the corner, bolstering the tease to her words. He managed a small smile. “Speaking of which. Where are the guys?”
“They went to a Kings game.”
“Are you meeting them there?”
“I didn’t want to go.”
Her eyes widened, dark brown lighting to reflect her surprise. “You didn’t want to go to a King’s game?”
James twisted his mouth to the side, shrugging. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go. Of course he wanted to go. Everything about hockey appealed to him: the crisp air filling his lungs, the crackling excitement plucking his energized nerves, the sharp snap of wood smacking against rubber, the scuffing of sharp blades on the ice, the cold adding a natural blush to his cheeks, the hot girls dressed in jerseys, the warm nacho cheese sliding down his throat, the way the bright lights lit him on his good side (both of them). But, even with the Kings and Ducks matchup, it wasn’t enough to get him off the couch.
“Well, what about hanging by the pool? It’s Golden Hour.” She reached out and poked his cheek. “Your favorite time of day.”
That was true. Nothing made his selfies better than the effect of a filter without actually having to use one. He thought about it for a second, shook his head, and sighed again. “I don’t feel like it.”
“Wow.” Her lashes fluttered due to her rapid blinking. A hum sounded behind her turned down mouth and she reached out, squeezing his knee. He felt a tug somewhere in the pit of his stomach at her touch, like a cork easing its way out of a bottle. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” Silence. Then: “It just doesn’t make sense!” And it all came pouring out, the frustrations and grievances. Not just from that day but from the past year and a half, from the start of it all. How they didn’t want him, they wanted Kendall. How no matter how hard he tried it wasn’t good enough. How, even though he had the talent, and knew it in his bones, it didn’t match the “fire” they looked for. How he was dragged along to form a group in a business he’d always dreamed of being in. How he was constantly shuttled back and forth between his parents, passed along like a discarded accessory. How he was overlooked time and time again (which he still wasn’t even sure how that was possible with his height and face and style.) How he was dismissed and taken as being “dramatic” when he opted not to go to the Kings game.
It was that feeling, the want—or lack thereof—which kept him glued to the couch. It seemed everyone could direct it towards anyone and anything else but him. No one chose him. No one wanted him.
The entire time he spoke Mickey stayed quiet save for the occasional hums to accompany her head nods. By the end she offered up a clicking tsk and a welcomed, “Aww, dude, I’m sorry you had to deal with all that.” She looked at him and he looked right back, wondering for a minute if they were having some sort of staring contest until he got cross-eyed and had to blink. Her shoulders shook with a quiet laugh, lips curling upwards in the corners. Silence stretched between them. James’s eyes widened slightly, taking on a pointed look.
“Is that it?” James finally prompted.
“Is what it?”
“Is that all you have to say?”
“…Yeah.”
“You’re not going to tell me I’m being dramatic? You’re not going to give me some advice? You’re not going to give me some pep talk?”
Mickey snorted. “And what kind of advice could I give you? To just get over it?” James nodded rapidly. “You’re upset. Telling you to get over it won’t change that. Besides, I get it.”
“You do?”
“That feeling you have to work twice as hard just to get the recognition you feel you rightfully deserve only to be overlooked?” She let out a little bitter laugh, twisting the end of one of her dreads around her finger. “Yeah. I know that feeling a little too well; life made sure of it.” A second later her eyes widened and then squinted, as if seeing something in the distance. Her eyebrows furrowed and she clicked her tongue. In a flash, she got off the floor and James watched her make quick strides to the door, opening it with a flourish only to pull it shut behind her. He stared at the swinging jackets hanging off the key shaped holder, an incredulous expression popping onto his face.
“Well thanks for the talk, Mickey! I feel so much better!” James called out to the closed door. He rolled onto his back, unfurling his legs, staring up at the tall ceiling. Geeze, first Gustavo, then his buds, and now Mickey. He thought people cared about him but clearly he was wrong! Why did he even like her in the first place?
A knock sounded on the door. Uncurling himself, James sat up, head tilting in curiosity. A second later the door opened, and a sheepish Mickey stepped through it. “Forgot, I don’t need to knock for myself,” she muttered, rubbing her palms down the legs of her jeans.
Nevermind, she came back. He liked her again.
She drummed her fingers against her thighs and then headed for the kitchen. “I’m thirsty. Do you want a juice box?”
James’s head bobbed from side to side. Now that his chest didn’t feel as if it would cave in, it felt “Yeah, I could go for one.” She pulled one from the fridge and tossed it to him. He easily caught it with one hand as he swung his legs down from the couch, settling on the middle cushion facing the tv. He popped off the straw and stabbed it through the foil-covered hole on top. He didn’t pretend it was Gustavo’s face beneath the straw. Not at all. He took a long pull of the watermelon flavored drink and swallowed. It helped, but only a little.
He watched as Mickey closed the refrigerator and started opening and closing a few cabinets. She pulled a few bowls out of one and set them on the counter and then pulled open a few drawers, taking out measuring cups and spoons and knives.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Well, there’s really no point in bringing back Tupperware that’s empty is there?” She asked, eyebrows lifting. “It’s downright blasphemy.”
His stomach quivered at that. Food? She was making food? As much as a small part of him still wanted nachos from the Staples Center, he could trade it for whatever she made. If magic existed, she possessed it with how good her food turned out. Not that Mama Knight’s wasn’t a great cook herself, nothing beat her cheesy potato soup or Fishstick Fridays or her amazing snickerdoodles, Mickey just tended to make more on the dessert side. And while his body was a temple and he treated it right, sometimes the temple wanted a big fat slice of pie. To please the Gods. (Him, James was the God. No matter how much Logan disagreed, the peasant).
“What are you making? Can I have some?”
“It’s a surprise but sure. It’s gonna take me some time, though.”
James reeled in his pout and protest, as much as he hated having to wait history showed it tended to be worth it. Shifting off the couch, he opened the cabinet beneath the tv and looked at the array of DVDs staring back at him. He bypassed his usual go-tos—Die Hard, Bring it On, the Entourage series, Fast and Furious, Step Brothers, Zoolander, Marley & Me—stopping at the smaller cases on the end, holding white discs with Mama Knight’s handwriting scrawled over the surface depicting dates from a few years back. James shuffled through the cases as if they were a deck of cards, stopping on one he remembered from freshman year, near the end of the season.
The Meadowlark High Coyotes were 7-9; they needed to win at least four more games to make it to the playoffs before their season was cut short. They were down by three points at 4-6 against Willow Grove High’s Rams with ten minutes left. Kendall had been benched for fighting after getting his face smashed into the plexiglass on a breakaway (it was a cheap hit). Carlos was ejected for leaving goal to bum rush the player who executed the hit, trying to pants him. And Logan sat on the bench, his nose buried in his roster book, scribbling away, making notes for the coach to review after the game. That left him the lone wingman to turn the tide on a penalty shot and any scoring chance he obtained afterwards. Yes there was another wingman, but he may as well not have been on the ice with James taking the lead.
He popped it into the DVD player and fell back into the memory of the day, sank into the swell of cheers, the shrill whistles, the thudding beat of his heart in his ears, the rush as he glided over the ice, carrying the puck to the goal shot after shot after shot. And the chanting, oh the chanting, it may as well have been tattooed on his heart: Dia-mond, Dia-mond, Dia-mond! Only his stick slapping against the puck broke the cheering. Crack! Crack! Crack! James rushed the goal and sent the puck sailing through the air, nestling in the top right and left corners of the net, lighting the lamp. The crowd went wild. His team rushed the ice, lifting him up in the air as sirens and whistles went off.
James paused on the zoom on his face, the light in his eyes and the flush on his cheeks. Someone had yanked off his helmet so they could ruffle his sweaty hair, which still looked good compared to the others, thank you very much. (Helmet hair was not something he ever had to combat, he made sure of it.)
They won. They chose him and he won. When he was picked, they all succeeded. That was the point.
He scanned backwards, watching the play in reverse, pressed play, and watched their victory unfold. Again. And again. And again. Forward, back, forward, back. Shoot, score, repeat. Every watch brought back another shot of exhilaration, another round of satisfaction pulsing through his veins. Gustavo had drained that feeling right out of him.
“What’re you watching?” Mickey’s head hung next to his as she leaned over the back of the couch. “Is that you? Oh, you were all so teeny!”
James pouted. He wasn’t teeny. Yeah, he was a couple years younger than now and had a bit of a rounder face but all the days playing hockey he’d shed his childhood weight. And he’d hit his growth spurt, so he was already taller than the guys in their class. Despite the slight sting of the comment, he answered, “Freshman year hockey game. Against our rivals, the Rams.”
“Did you win?”
James scoffed. “Of course we did!” Big Time Rush didn’t lose. Once they all joined the team, they were a force to be reckoned with. “All thanks to me, even. Kendall and the guys were benched for ‘unsportsmanlike behavior’.” His finger quotes stabbed the air as he rolled his eyes.
“Why? What���d they do?”
“Watch.” Within a few seconds the scene unfolded again: Kendall on a breakaway, for all intents and purposes prime for a good shot. Then someone from the other team bashed into him, clearly committing a foul. Kendall bounced off the plexiglass as sharp whistles and booing jeers filled the air. Cheeks red, either due to the cold or anger, Kendall threw down his stick and gloves, whipped off his helmet, and charged for a Ram. He managed a hit on one before two Rams came up, grabbed him, threw him into the plexiglass again, and squished his face against it, dragging it from side to side. Mickey sucked a hissing breath in between her teeth, face scrunching up to a look of pain.
“That looked like it hurt.”
“Hurt worse when the guy wasn’t even called for it—the refs were from their town,” James explained at the look of disbelief crossing her face. “But I get the penalty shot and score more goals to clinch the win for us.”
“Bet that felt good.”
He shrugged. Good wasn’t the right word. Amazing wasn’t the right word. He didn’t think a word existed to properly encompass how that day felt. He paused the video and scanned it backwards again, his thumb hovering over the play button as his eyes took in their reflections on the tv screen. Namely how close she leaned to his head. Turning to her, he eyed her close-up profile. “If you wanted to kiss me, you could just say so,” James said with a flirtatious smile. Motioning to her with the remote he added, “You don’t have to come up with an excuse to get close.”
Her head tilted to the side, her studying him this time. “Would it make you feel better?”
He blinked. Uh…what? That wasn’t what she was supposed to say. That wasn’t how things went with them. He’d flirt, she’d rebuff him, he’d try again later. That’s how their friendship worked, among both agreeing blue was, in fact, a flavor (suck it, Logan!), her helping him with English homework while he helped her with vocal work, taking trips to the farmer’s market for fresh ingredients (her for her cooking, him for his organic, clean, homemade facial mask), and splitting the s’mores skillet at Fun Burger on his cheat day. Not that he didn’t like this turn of events, he wasn’t stupid. Okay, so he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the spotlight, but he wasn’t that stupid.
Still, he shook his head and pinched his arm to be sure this wasn’t some sort of dream, that she had, in fact, asked if kissing him would make him feel better. His fingers pressed into his skin and a pinch of pain shot up his arm. His eyes widened. He was definitely awake!
“Uh…sure?” He mentally admonished himself, hearing how unsure he sounded. Who talked like that? Not him, that’s for sure. He was much cooler than that. He cleared his throat, deepened his voice, turned his eyes to smolder, and said, “I mean, yeah. We could give it a shot.”
“Okay, close your eyes.”
He did as he was told, eyes slamming shut. James’ chest swelled and relaxed as he took in and let out a long breath. Not that he was nervous. He’d kissed plenty of girls before. Hell, once he’d kissed three girls in a half hour (thank you spin the bottle!) So this was nothing to worry about. No big deal. It’s just Mickey. Just the girl he’d been into for the past year. His palms sweating had nothing to do with it, that happened sometimes. Not a lot. Okay, never. Not when it came to kissing girls. So it had to be some sort of new medical condition he’d need to get looked at. Along with the shaking. And his heart thudding against his chest. He made a mental note to get that looked at too.
He felt her hovering in front of him, close enough for that strange sensation to itch and curl beneath his skin, anticipation cracking like a livewire. A strong swoop lurched in his stomach when she asked “Ready?”, so close he smelled something sweet on her breath. Vanilla? A lock of her hair brushed against the side of his face, sending a shot of something pleasant down his spine.
He nodded, swiping his tongue against his bottom lip. (Not too wet, not too dry. Couldn’t have her thinking his lips were like sandpaper.) Breath? He thought back. Last thing he ate were a few ants-on-a-log back at the studio. Peanut Butter wasn’t what he’d go with, but it would do in a pinch.
Okay. You’re James Diamond! You’re in a world-famous band! You have great hair! You have great style! You have great lips! They’re perfectly pouty and pink and fantastic. It’s just a kiss. You can do this. Annnd….go!
James leaned forward, pursing his lips. Something touched his lips. His eyebrows lowered. Huh, her lips were a lot colder than he’d imagined. Just as smooth, though. And a little…pointy? What? Before he could react, something gave way and shot between his teeth, heading to the back of his throat. He coughed, the object shooting forward, bouncing on his tongue.
His eyes popped open, granting him the sight of Mickey and her shit-eating grin. His tongue rolled the object around in his mouth, smooth on all sides except for one point. A rush of chocolate swarmed his taste buds. A Hersehey’s kiss. He blinked, staring up at her.
“Did the Earth move for ya, honey?” she asked sweetly, her soft southern accent igniting the teasing sparkle in her eyes.
“Very funny,” James grumbled, chewing the cold bit of chocolate into small pieces. It melted fast on his tongue. Pushing a hand through his hair, he flopped back against the couch, doing his best to avoid her gaze. But that smile, so bright and satisfied, drew him back in and he found his frown lifting upwards.
Still grinning, she dropped down on the couch next to him. He noticed the plate in her hands, the surface covered with an array of purple swirls and designs resting atop white sponge dotted with color.
Funfetti cupcakes. His favorite.
She was forgiven.
------
“She moves left, she moves right, she goes left again-oh! Fake out! She’s on a breakaway! There’s no one standing between her and the net! Will she make it?” With a lunge, Mickey slapped a pretzel rod against the Oreo in the middle of the table. James dropped to his knees, opening his mouth in time for the cookie to slide against the smooth surface, coast past his teeth, and land on his tongue. Goal! “She does! She scores! And the Missles are the table hockey champions of the world!” Throwing her arms into the air, Mickey danced a little victory jig, chomping the pretzel rod in her hand as if putting an exclamation point at the end of a sentence.
Chuckling, James chewed the Oreo. Ordinarily he would already be mentally preparing his routine at the gym the next day to counteract all the sugar he’d eaten but he could skip it for one day. Tossing his own pretzel rod onto the table—he wasn’t going to make an exception for sodium, not when bloat could set in—he stood, brushing any miniscule bit of dirt off his knees. “Why didn’t you go to the hockey game again?” he asked.
Mickey’s eyebrow arched and she waved her hand around the room, motioning to the table, the leftover cupcakes sitting on the kitchen counter, and Bring it On playing on the tv in the background “And miss out on all this fun?” She winked and took another bite of the pretzel rod. “Not a chance.”
James smiled, a rush of warmth spreading through him.
The door burst open; Carlos, Kendall, and Logan rushed in, hooting, and hollering, waving towels and hats in a flurry. Katie and Jennifer entered behind them, wearing identical expressions, half of amusement and half of wariness.
“Hey guys,” Mickey greeted them, walking around the table. “How was the game?” Her answer came as a wall of sound when Kendall, Carlos, and Logan screamed in her face. Blinking rapidly, she wiggled a finger in her ear as she leaned away from them. “That good, huh?”
“It was awesome!” Carlos shouted. “First the Ducks were in the lead and then the Kings caught up to them but then the Ducks were in the lead again! And during the ice cleanings Bailey and Wild Wing came out and got into a shootout. And then they played musical chairs which is silly, you know, because why would animals need to sit on chairs—ooh! Cupcakes!” Breaking off, he made a dashing dive for the kitchen counter.
“Those are mine!” James shouted, making Carlos freeze with a cupcake halfway to his mouth. A whimpering sound fell out of his mouth as he looked back and forth between James and the cupcake.
“Be nice, there’s enough for them to have one,” Mickey said, rubbing James’s arm. “Go ahead, Carlos.” She barely finished her sentence when Carlos stuffed it into his mouth, paper still attached.
“Dude.” Kendall bumped James on the arm with the back of his hand. “We had to keep Carlos from tackling Bailey the lion for thumping Wild Wing’s bill in the stands. Could’ve used you to hold him back.”
“Is that the only reason?” James asked.
Kendall scoffed. “Of course not! I had no one else to cringe with when they messed up the National Anthem. You weren’t there to list off every stat for the Kings or the Ducks—down to what conditioner they most likely used.” James pushed a laugh out of his nose. “After the game ended, they let us skate around for a bit. T’somethin’ I always dreamed about, skating one of the biggest NHL rinks. Wasn’t the same without my wingman there to catch my passes without fail.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “We’re sorry we didn’t take your feelings seriously. Gustavo was rough on you today. We should’ve stayed with you, made sure you were okay.”
“You didn’t think I was being overdramatic?”
“Oh no, we totally did,” Kendall said, making James roll his eyes, “but halfway through the game I remembered that you get like that when it comes to things that are important to you. And it’s not fair for me, for us, to push that aside. So I’m sorry. We cool?” He extended his hand,
“We’re cool. You know I can’t stay mad at my bud,” James replied, clasping Kendall’s hand to pull him into a quick hug.
“And on that note, it’s time for me to go,” Mickey said, squeezing past them. Clutched in her hands were two Tupperware containers filled with cupcakes. “Are you feeling better?” Kendall’s eyes quickly ping-ponged between the two; he mumbled something about needing to polish his hockey puck and backed away.
James’ mind quickly scanned through a list of things he could say to keep her around a little longer. He came up with nothing. “I am, yeah,” James admitted. “Thanks for sticking around and keeping me company, Mickey.”
“Any time. If you ever want a rematch against the Missles, you know where to find me. We’ll be ready for you Diamondheads.” Leaning past James, she called out “see you, guys!” only to get distracted hand waves back from Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and Katie as they watched the game highlight on the news. She shrugged. “See ya, James,” she said, quickly tilting her fingers at him in a rippling wave.
He waved back, watching as she left the apartment. The door closed with a soft click. James turned on his heel only to stop in his tracks, noticing every pair of eyes in the room pointed on him. Eyebrows crinkling, his head tilted to the side. Usually he deserved attention, basked in it even, but he wasn’t sure what he did to get it this time. “What?” he finally asked.
“You were here with Mickey alone all afternoon,” Kendall said. “What happened?”
James shrugged, approaching the couch. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Nothing. We talked, watched some hockey, and messed around.”
“So you never hit on her?” Logan asked.
Kind of. “No, not really.” Hershey kiss substitutes didn’t count.
“Dude! This was your chance!” Carlos sprayed bits of uneaten cupcake out of his mouth as he shouted. Uttering a noise of disgust, Logan wiped the side of his face, shooting such a scathing look at Carlos it made him behind Katie. James laughed at the sight.
“Yeah, that’s not like you, James. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” Kendall said.
“I’m feelin’ great, guys, really,” he assured them. “Gimmie another cupcake.” As he reached for the plate in Katie’s hand, he spotted something white under the pillow Kendall leaned against. He yanked it out with one strong pull. “Oh shoot,” he muttered. He got a series of asynchronous what?s answered him. “It’s Mickey’s sweatshirt. She forgot it.”
“Give it to her tomorrow. She’ll be at the studio,” Kendall pointed out.
James took in Kendall’s nonchalance with an incredulous shake of his head. He couldn’t do that. Well…he could but he couldn’t. Even if the built-in excuse for her to come back to the apartment was enticing, he wouldn’t feel right holding onto it. Not when he knew of her attachment to it, not just due to how soft and comfortable the sweatshirt was but to the band as well. When he thought about not having his Lucky Comb on him, even for a second, it sent shivers down his spine.
“No, I’ll just try and catch her at the elevator.” Clutching the sweatshirt tight in his hands, James dashed for the door. It barely opened far enough for him to fit through before he found himself out in the hall. He ran around a corner, nearly clipping it, slowing when he heard Mickeys’ voice.
“Thanks again for being so understanding. I know it was last minute…”
“Girl, it’s okay,” Jo said back. Hmm? James peered around the corner, spying Mickey and Jo standing in front of the elevator doors. She clutched a rolled-up script in her hand. “We can always go another day. It’s no big deal.”
“Thanks. James just looked so…defeated.” Mickey’s nose wrinkled. “It’s weird. I’ve never seen him like that before. I just…I didn’t want him to be alone.”
“I get it. I’m not going to be mad at you for being there for a friend,” Jo said, waving her hand in the air. “Buut…you’ll also be extra forgiven if I can have a cupcake.” Her eyebrows wiggled as she tapped a quick rhythm on the Tupperware lid.
Mickey laughed, popping the lid. “No problem.”
Jo eagerly dove for a cupcake, peeling the paper off halfway before taking a bite at the base of the treat. She brought a finger up to her mouth as she chewed, wiping away a stray smear of cream cheese frosting. “So…you must really like James to cancel going to that pie making class you’d been looking forward to for weeks.”
What!? James pressed his lips together, biting on them. The pulse of pain fell into sync with his rapid heartbeat. Jo’s lips curled in the corners and, beneath the hallway lighting, James swore he saw devil horns pop up on her head.
Mickey rolled her eyes. James squinted. Was that a blush on Mickey’s cheeks or a trick of the light? “Don’t even start with me, I gotta deal with all that at home.” The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Mickey stepped backwards into the elevator, jabbing at a button with her elbow. “…And I don’t not like him. But don’t tell anyone that!”
Jo mimed zipping her lips. “Your secret’s safe with me.”
Swallowing the yelp fighting to shoot up his throat, James turned and headed back to 2J. He slipped into the apartment under the noise of aliens and troopers getting blown up in Biohazard 5 and Carlos’ jeers as he held his hand in front of Logan’s face.
“Did you catch her?” Kendall yelled over the noise, eyes glued to the tv.
“No, I missed her.” James made a beeline for the bedrooms, a soft smile sitting upon his lips. “I’ll see her tomorrow.”
#let me tell you i have a ball writing james' internal dialogue#james diamond#mickey mason#big time rush#big time rush oc#not beta read#my writings#mickames#first and foremost
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my beloved <3 I dont think I know ur top 3 Taylor albums. may you share (maybe even a full ranking.... hehe.... I would also be interested in knowing your fav song/s on each one)
my love!!! oo good question!!
okok they consantly change but this has been the vibe lately, so this just mostly overall albums, taking into consideration how many favorite songs i have, how much of it i skip, and how much do i play the album.
i'd love to hear yours too <3
1. evermore
i just love the vibe!! itches my brain right!!
favs: champagne problems, gold rush, 'tis the damn season, tolerate it, dorothea, coney island, long story short, right where you left me.
2. speak now
it has so many of my favorite songs, it's like the best of fearless and red without being too much.
favs: last kiss, back to December, dear john, the story of us, long live, ours.
2. 1989
pop was my top genre for a reason-
favorite songs: style, all you had to do was stay, i wish you would, wildest dreams, this love, you are in love, you are in love.
3. lover
i like the production!! bops!!! putting it on shuffle is v fun!!
favs: lover, the archer, cornelia street, death by a thousand cuts, London boy, soon you'll get better, afterglow, daylight.
4. folklore
it's the type of album that grew on me!! i took me a time but i just love the more folk-y sound!! some songs aren't for me but i still wouldn't call them skips.
favourite songs: mirrorball, illicit affairs, betty, peace.
5. reputation
i don't listen to the first half of it much? but it does have a lot of my favourite taylor songs of all time
favs: gorgeous, king of my heart, dancing with our hands tied, call it what you want, new year's day.
6. debut
i'm kinda surprised that it's that high but I've just been digging it a lot recently?
favs: tim mcgraw, teardrops on my guitar, cold as you, mary's song, invisible.
7. fearless (tv)
so a month ago i would have def rated fearless (tv) lower than red (tv) but i think as re-recording this just hits for me? also bonus tracks beloved
fav songs: fifteen, beathe, the way i loved you, Mr perfectly fine, we were happy, don't you.
8. red (tv)
so dearly beloved!! i tend to skip a lot of it (oops) but the songs that are immaculate are immaculate..
favourite songs: nothing new, forever winter sad beautiful tragic, begin again, run, i almost do, and obv all too well (10 min version)
#putting red so low considering it used to be my top 3 feels so weird-#i'm not even sure if i like this ranking but this is the vibes#ana <3#asks#myle mumbles answers#myle's ranking
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Taylor Swift Albums Reviews
Hello my lovely blog readers,
I want to thank those of you who stick around through all my crazy rants and long Glee posts. You guys are the real MVPs and I will always appreciate you.
Anyway onto why we're here, in the wake of Taylor rereleasing her albums I found it fitting to take a look back at her discorgaphy so far! Thanks to my good friend Aly, I decided to relisten to all of her albums which the order was randomly decided. I will be talking about the deluxe editions so enjoy!
Let's start off with the first album that was drawn first which was Red.
One of my favorite albums right off the bat with probably her best album cover. I remember how excited I was for 22, mostly because my girl Dianna Agron's name was in the liner notes. Let's dive into what I thought now about 9 years later!
Favorite Track: Begin Again Least Favorite Track: The Last Time (featuring Gary Lightbody) Bonus Track I Wish was on the main album: All of them!!! Favorite Bonus Track: The Moment I Knew Album Ranking: 6th/9
Overall I adore this album so so much. The only track I didn't care for in the least was The Last Time. I think you'll find a trend with me that my least favorite Tayor tracks tend to be her duets (the exception being Everything Has Changed which is also on this album and is the purest of all). The album has held up and even moreso I love it than the first time I listened. Crazy. Anyway onto the rankings of each song. DISCLAIMER: These are just my opinions and you can disagree with them but please be respectful.
1) Begin Again 2) The Moment I Knew 3) State of Grace (Acoustic Version) 4) I Almost Do 5) Stay Stay Stay 6) All Too Well 7) Everything Has Changed (featuring Ed Sheeran) 8) 22 9) Come Back...Be Here 10) Red 11) I Knew You Were Trouble 12) The Lucky One 13) We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together 14) Starlight 15) Girl at Home 16) Sad Beautiful Tragic 17) State of Grace 18) Holy Ground 19) Treacherous 20) The Last Time (featuring Gary Lightbody)
Honestly I adore this album so much as a whole and ranking every song was so hard. Holy Ground honestly had a lot of potiental I hated the arrangement but if I heard an acoustic version I would be sold, much like State of Grace which I wasn't huge on the original but the acoustic I'm obsessed with. Moving onto our second album which is one of Taylor's newest.
folklore! Funny enough on first listen I wasn't as into it as everyone else was but trust me, the relisten definitely helped me change my mind. I also heard the lakes for the first time which I loved. Since it's the only bonus track I'm going to say I definitely wished it had made the main album over some of the other songs on it. Let's dive into my thoughts and rankings.
Favorite Track: mad woman Least Favorite Track: invisible string Album Ranking: 9th/9
1) mad woman 2) the 1 3) the last great american dynasty 4) mirrorball 5) hoax 6) peace 7) seven 8) august 9) my tears richocet 10) the lakes 11) cardigan 12) betty 13) illicit affairs 14) epiphany 15) this is me trying 16) exile (featuring Bon Iver) 17) invisible string
Okay I know cardigan and betty being so low is going make people unhappy but honestly I just loved the other songs better listed above it. So many gorgeous songs and a great era for Taylor. It's not my favorite era and still falls in my lower half of her albums but I can appreciate the tracks on it more than I did before with the relisten.
Now onto Taylor's most recent album which came up next in our randomization in evermore
Unlike folklore on original listen I absolutely adored this album and had it in my top tier Taylor albums but will that opinion hold up? Let's find out.
Favorite Track: no body, no crime (featuring HAIM) Least Favorite Track: gold rush Favorite Bonus Track: it's time to go Album Ranking: 7th/9
1) no body, no crime (featuring HAIM) 2) happiness 3) champagne problems 4) willow 5) cowboy like me 6) dorothea 7) majorie 8) evermore (featuring Bon Iver) 9) closure 10) long story short 11) ‘tis the damn season 12) ivy 13) it’s time to go 14) coney island (featuring The National) 15) right where you left me 16) tolerate it 17) gold rush Okay let's talk about the relisten, it still held up but to me the one thing I didn't love about the album was the bonus tracks didn't add much to the original album so I kind of see why they were bonus tracks. I enjoyed the album none the less and I do think that most of my opinions are somewhat popular. I only see people being mad about 'tis the damn season being so low but honestly 1-11, I loved all the tracks so.
Up next is the rerelease that started it all, Fearless!
Now let's see after 13 years (hey Taylor's lucky number) if my opinion of this iconic album changed. Back in the day I was so obsessed with this album so let's see how I feel now!
Favorite Track: You're Not Sorry Least Favorite Track: The Way I Loved You Bonus Tracks I Wish was on the main album: Forever and Always (Piano Verison) and Come in with the Rain Favorite Bonus Track: Forever and Always (Piano Version) Album Ranking: 4th/9
1) You’re Not Sorry 2) White Horse 3) Love Story 4) You Belong with Me 5) Change 6) Forever and Always (Piano Version) 7) Fifteen 8) Hey Stephen 9) Come in with the Rain 10) Jump Then Fall 11) Fearless 12) Forever and Always 13) The Best Day 14) The Other Side of the Door 15) Breathe (featuring Colbie Cailaitt) 16) Untouchable 17) SuperStar 18) Tell Me Why 19) The Way I Loved You
I still remember when this album was first coming out how jazzed and excited I was for it. It was highly anticipated for me being that I had fallen in love with Taylor from her debut album and listening back it still holds up as one of my favorite albums. The only two tracks I wasn't into back then and still am not into are Tell Me Why and The Way I Loved You. Other than those two tracks the entire album is incredible to listen to. I'm so excited to hear Taylor's versions of all these songs and who knows maybe my mind will change on some of them.
Moving onto the next album to be randomly selected which is almost every Swiftie's favorite 1989.
Funny enough, originally this album isn't in my top favorites so who knows if my opinion will change on a relisten. Let's find out!
Favorite Track: Clean Least Favorite Track: I Wish You Would Bonus Tracks I Wish was on the main album: All of them?! Come on Taylor what's up with 1989 and Red having like some of their best tracks as bonus tracks. I'm mad haha. Favorite Bonus Track: Wonderland (gee I wonder why) Album Ranking: 5th/9
1) Clean 2) Wonderland 3) Wildest Dreams 4) This Love 5) You are in Love 6) Welcome to New York 7) Shake It Off 8) Blank Space 9) Bad Blood 10) Style 11) How You Get the Girl 12) Out of the Woods 13) New Romantics 14) I Know Places 15) All You Had to Do was Stay 16) I Wish You Would
Okay listening back. I now get the hype behind it. Listening to it with bonus tracks honestly makes all the difference. No joke. It's a much better album with the bonus tracks added. Honestly if Wonderland and You are in Love were on the main album it would've been top tier to me. Thank God for the deluxe version but team Taylor what is up with you hiding some of her best tracks and only releasing them on the bonus tracks? I'm mad. Also speaking on Wonderland, I adore the song even without the rumours of it being about my favorite celebrity Dianna Agron. Had the bonus tracks been on the main album it would higher but as a whole I love the album.
And now for our next album, which is reputation!
This is probably Taylor's most controversial albums, some love it and some hate it. I actually am somewhere in the middle. I love some of the tracks while others I could've done without. Let's see where it goes for me listening back.
Favorite Song: New Year's Day Least Favorite: Dancing with Our Hands Tied Album Ranking: 8th/9
1) New Year's Day 2) Gorgeous 3) Don’t Blame Me 4) This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things 5) I Did Something Bad 6) Dress 7) Delicate 8) Call It What You Want To 9) ...Ready for It? 10) Look What You Made Me Do 11) King of my Heart 12) Getaway Car 13) So It Goes... 14) End Game (featuring Ed Sheeran and Future) 15) Dancing with Our Hands Tied
Okay I feel like my choices here are controversal especially Getaway Car being pretty low on the album. Honestly I liked the song just wasn't into the hype that everyone else said about it, sorry you guys. Also Dancing with Our Hands Tied on the ALBUM is my least favorie song. I absolutely adored Taylor's acoustic version that was in the rep Tour. Had she released that on the album it would be after Look What You Made Me Do. The arrangement on the album I just didn't care for and I prefer acoustic Taylor which I think a lot of you gather from my top picks.
Anyway moving onto to our next album that was randomized which is...Taylor Swift!
Ah yes the album that started it all. 15 years ago I discovered Taylor Swift via this album thanks to CMT. I was a huge country music stan back in the day who knew how this one album would lead to a career I've been following for 15 years. Now how does this album hold up? Let's find out!
Favorite Song: Should've Said No Least Favorite Song: A Perfectly Good Heart Bonus Tracks I Wish was on the main album: Invisible and I'm Only Me When I'm with You Favorite Bonus Track: Invisible Album Ranking: 3rd/9
1) Should’ve Said No 2) Invisible 3) Cold as You 4) Picture to Burn 5) Our Song 6) The Outside 7) A Place in This World 8) Teardrops on My Guitar 9) Stay Beautiful 10) Tim McGraw 11) I’m Only Me When I’m with You 12) Mary’s Song (Oh My My My) 13) Tied Together with a Smile 14) A Perfectly Good Heart
This album still holds up 15 years later and made me so nostalgic. This had to be the hardest album for songs to rank thus far. Taylor hit it out of the park on her very first album crazy. She set the bar very high, funny enough it's the first album that a bonus track is my least favorite track but the entire album is a great listen, especially if you love country. It's very different from anything else Taylor did but that's what's so charming about it.
And now onto our second to last album which is another one of my favorites and the only album Taylor wrote fully on her own, Speak Now.
The album cover is up there with Red as my favorite and I'm excited to listen back to this album. I remember how much I enjoyed it when it was first released. Excited to see what I think 11 years later. Let's find out.
Favorite Track: Haunted (Acoustic Version) Least Favorite Track: Last Kiss Bonus Tracks I Wish was on the main album: All of them. Dang it Taylor they deserved to be on the main album. Favorite Bonus Track: Haunted (Acoustic Version) Album Ranking: 2nd/9
1) Haunted (Acoustic Version) 2) Long Live 3) Haunted 4) Better Than Revenge 5) Back to December (Acoustic Version) 6) Mine 7) Back to December 8) Mean 9) If This Was a Movie 10) Innocent 11) Dear John 12) Speak Now 13) Ours 14) Never Grow Up 15) The Story of Us 16) Superman 17) Enchanted 18) Sparks Fly 19) Last Kiss
One of Taylor's absolute best albms and it was incredibly hard to rank these songs. I know people are going to be mad about Enchanted being low but I just didn't love it as much as the other tracks on the album, this after all is one of the best albums she ever released so it's incredibly hard to make the call.
Moving onto our final album which I've called my absolute favorite, Lover.
It's only been an year since its release but will it hold up as my favorite album? Let's find out!
Favorite Track: Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince Least Favorite Track: It’s Nice to Have a Friend Album Ranking: 1st/9
1) Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince 2) Paper Rings 3) Lover 4) Soon You’ll Get Better (featuring The Chicks) 5) You Need to Calm Down 6) The Archer 7) The Man 8) Daylight 9) Afterglow 10) I Think He Knows 11) False God 12) Death by a Thousand Cuts 13) Cruel Summer 14) Cornelia Street 15) I Forgot That You Existed 16) ME! (featuring Brendan Urie from Panic! at the Disco) 17) London Boy 18) It’s Nice to Have a Friend
Yep it held up. This album is my favorite thing Taylor ever released. It was a tough call because I loved all of her top albums so much. Miss Americana still is my favorite performance which is no surprise, I was obsessed when this song came out 2 years ago. It's Nice to Have a Friend is the weakest track on the album but by no means is it a bad track. The entire album is a great listen all the way through, the only song that's hard to listen to especially if you have a sick parent "Soon You'll Get Better" I literally bawled after I finished it. So if you don't want an emotional song that might make you sad, it's best to skip it even though it's one of favorite tracks.
And that does it for us here. Hope you enjoyed my album reviews! Just to recap here's the rankings of all of Taylor's Albums:
1) Lover 2) Speak Now 3) Taylor Swift 4) Fearless 5) 1989 6) Red 7) evermore 8) reputation 9) folklore
Excited to see what's to come with the rerelease of Fearless and to hear the songs released from the vault. I've heard a few of her unreleased songs and honestly there are quite a few that I'm hoping are released. Thanks for enjoying us on this journey as always be kind and always spread love <3
#taylor swift#fearless#taylor swift albums#taylor swift album#speak now#folklore#evermore#lover#taylor swift 1989#1989#taylor swift fearless#taylor swift speak now#taylor swift red#red#taylor swift lover#taylor swift folklore#taylor swift evermore#taylor nation#dianna agron#swiftgron#taylor swift bonus tracks#1989 bonus tracks#red bonus tracks#taylor swift 1989 bonus tracks#taylor swift red bonus tracks#rep tour#Taylor Swift rep tour#taylor swift debut#taylor swift debut album#debut album
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The Freedom of Expression Episode 23 - The worst album in the world rated highly by Kurt (Cobain) and (Frank) Zappa.
K: Hi this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, starting this episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san, welcome. Hows it going recently?
J: I've just had my wisdom tooth out, I'm still quite swollen.
T, K: Oh yeh, you are!
J: Its really tough getting your wisdom teeth out at 52 years old.
K: Its quite late to have it done, right?
J: Yeh, Im doing it late. What about you, Kaoru?
K: I don't have any left.
J: All four?
K: Yeh.
J: You had this hell already taken out?
K: Oh, it was awful with me!
J: When you had them out?
K: When I first had one of the bottom ones removed, it took about an hour and a half.
J: One hour...thats awful.
K: It was growing like this (*places fist horizontally against vertical palm)
J: Ahh, if its not growing like this..(*indicates vertical growth angle with hands). This type (*horizontal) hurts.
K: Then in the end, the anesthetic wore off. I had been given anesthetic, but it wore off.
J: Eughh!
K: Then after the tooth was out, my head hurt, my whole face hurt for about two weeks..I couldn't eat anything..It was hell.
J: You didn't have live shows did you?
K: No, not at all.
J: So, you had it done in your time off? Ahh, that sounds so painful. What about you, Tasai?
T: I still have mine.
J: Oh, you have them?
T: But after hearing this, I don't want to have them out anymore.
J: Hahaha
K: Are yours like this? (*growing horizontally?)
T: No, I think they are pretty straight.
K: Well, in that case, you don't really need to have them out.
T: Yeh, but yours sounds like it was painful, Kaoru.
J: For a hour and a half...that must hurt.
K: Yeh
J: Mine was out in ten mins, and Im still this swollen. I still have my lower left one remaining, Im gonna have to get that one out too...(*Kaoru smiles) Look at him! That face! Seriously!
Um, about Hanshin...
K: Hahaha
J: Didn't you say they would win by a mile, Kaoru?
T: He did.
K: They are...in last place by a mile. (*On screen note: 'The rank at the time of filming').
T: But they did win before now, so..
J: They did win before now?? He said they were gonna win by a mile!
K: Well, at the moment they've had two consecutive wins..then yesterday was raining, so that fell through, but..I think they are onto a good winning style now.
J: I see. From now on...
K: Mm, they finally got to the starting line.
J: Hahaha.
T: Starting with five in debt, right? haha.
J: This won't make them lose heart.
K: Well, cause they've only just started.
J,T: Well, yeh.
K: Everyone has ups and downs.
J: Thats true. Still, Hanshin are strong in the summer, aren't they?
T: Thats when they get consecutive wins, right?
K: Well, I mean, its always like this, last year was the same, but in the last month or so, they suddenly get good, its like 'Weren't you losing?' As soon as you realise, its like 'Eh?!, How'd you get that good already?'...kinda.
J: How come they can never get off to a good start?
K: Hmm, probably a lack of coordination, haha.
J: Hahaha.
T: Yeah, but at the start thier pitcher did catch corona and stuff, so they couldn't practice properly from the beginning.
K: Thats only an excuse.
J: Well, its tough, as expected. But, you know, I have zero interest in pro baseball, but this year..
T: You're watching it a lot!
J:...whether or not we'll have this event depends on it, so im putting my all into showing support. Still, it may be empty support, everytime I check the results I'm like, 'Whaaat?'
K: Oh, theres still a lot more to come.
J: Like, what was with those words you said with big subtitles, 'win by a mile'?
K: That was my desire. At the time this is broadcast, they'll be doing well.
J: I see
T: Right.
K: This will be broadcast in how many days? (*Works it out) Ah, maybe not by then.
J, T: Hahaha
J: Your attitude gets weaker and weaker.
K: Ok, lets have today's story please.
T: Ok, well this has been creating a bit of a buzz at Tokyo Sports, a really terrible band has been discovered to be in a list of Kurt Cobain's (of Nirvana) Top 50 albums. People who are into music might know this already, but the band is 'The Shaggs'. They are really terrible. I've also had a listen to them on Youtube, and you could say they sound like beginners, but I did think...Huh? Hang on a sec.
J: Hahaha. Like 'whats going on here?'
T: Yeah. But somehow ???*1, and since this has come out in the news, its become quite a talking point.
J: I see.
T: Like people are saying, 'In reality, they're really good', or 'On no, they really are bad', and stuff. Joe, do you know of them?
J: I do, yeh. I've played them on the radio before, and whenever I do, there is a big response. When people hear this novice-like performance, they really respond. There must be something more to this. The sound quality of the recording is quite high, so whenever I play it, people think 'Woah, this is so interesting! ...'. What do you think of it, Kaoru? Have you listened to it?
K: Yeh, I have. Well, I mean, its a type of expression, right? I doesn't matter whether they are skilled or not. I thought it was interesting. It leaves a lasting impression .
J: Conversely, right?
K: ???*2
J: But if you had to say if they were skilled or not, you would say not, right?
K: Well, if they are seriously trying, then they are bad.
J, T: Hahah
J: If this is thier best, then they're bad?
K: Yeh, cause this is thier recorded sound. In that case, they're bad. But someone other than the performers has actually recorded this, and said, 'yes, lets go with this'.
J: Yes
T: I see
J: No one tried fix it.
K: Yeh, they didn't try to do a re-take or anything. They wanted to make the record.
J: This is the completed version, right?
K: Yeh, so maybe it was meant to be like this *3
T: So, if you look into this story a bit more, by the time of thier second album, their performance technique had improved a bit, and conversely, they lost their uniqueness. It erased what was special about them.
J: Ahhh, thats tough. But growing up in the 80s, back then all the pop idols were really untalented, weren't they?
T: Haha
J: But they made a lasting impression. Its not really a case of whether or not they were skilled. But, on the other hand...who was that guy?... *sings* 'Watashi no ohaka no mae ni...'...Akiyama something-or-other (*On screen text: Akikawa Masafumi*), I played some of his more rocky stuff on my show, but it didn't resonate because he's just too good.
T: Ehh.
J: The songs require a certain kind of atmosphere.. and singing really well like..(*imitates a tenor's voice*), it didn't work at all. It was interesting.
T: Yeh, so there's something more to it, other than just skill.
J: I think so.
K: Well, it also comes down to who it is making the songs.
J: Yeh, that may have something to do with it.
T: I see
K: I mean, I don't know if these people (The Shaggs) wrote the songs themselves, but the songs are unique precisely because this band is playing them. This is how they do it.
J: But surely, if the songs were played properly, they wouldn't be that impressive, right?
K: Right! Haha.
J: Thier uniqueness comes from thier lack of skill.
T: Joe, can you understand how Kurt Cobain and Frank Zappa would appreciate this kinda thing?
J: I think so yeh. Like, Kurt Cobain, even in his appearance, he was grungy, like, appearing in public wearing pajamas and stuff. And in the 80s, slightly before his time, there was also that computerised music, like ???*4. Frank Zappa was also mentioned, and he was an artist with really experimental aspects, so I guess they would like this kinda of thing, the type of thing where there nothing else like it. I can really understand that.
K: Yeh, people who know nothing about music might listen to some super technical and progressive music, and then listen to this, and they might think they sound the same. One of them might sound a bit off, but the other might sound way off to some people. They might just look at them the same.
J: Ah, that may be, yeh. Well, to put it simply...its not your average music, is it?
T: Yeh.
J: Its quite interesting. Its like you said Kaoru, if the progressive stuff is too advanced, it will be written off, and in this case, this band may be regarded in a similar way for doing nothing special. Still, is it possible? Whenever novices like me do Karaoke, you have to do something, don't you? Like, impersonating the singer, or getting a bit excited..if you don't, it would be a kinda chilly performance. So, with this band doing nothing like that...are they not cooperating or something?
T: Well, its hard.
J: Maybe they are professionals *laughing*
Kami: Its interesting how thier Dad forced them into it, right?
J: Oh yeh.
Kami: Its like, why does he know this stuff. They were forced..Didn't they say that in an interview or something? Thats quite interesting.
T: So, from what I've heard, thier Dad was on a mission to strike it rich, in a kind of swindler fashion.
J: Oh, that was it.
K: Ah, I see.
T: And made his daughters...
Kami: Ah, he was an imposter?
J: He tried to be
Kami: So he was witness to the recording and gave it the OK then?
T: Hmm, probably.
J: He was after something.
Kami: They had no money to record, so he just said, 'yeh, this'll do', kinda.
K: The Dad didn't have any talent either.
J, T: Hahaha
K: Or maybe he did?
J: Which is it?!
K: I don't know.
J: Right...But even if it was a ramen shop or something, if it said, 'The Worlds Worst Ramen', you'd want to try it just once, right? Its maybe the same kind of pattern.
K: But it does stay in your head, this band.
J: It does, surprisingly.
Kami: When you listen to it, there is some kind of message, right?
T: I see.
J: Well, Punk had to contend with a lack of skill, didn't it?..in that respect. 70s punk didn't use very complicated chords at all. But when it became more advanced, it kinda faded out.
K: Yeh, people from that generation ???? *5 There's quite a difference, isn't there?
J: There is, there is. What is that all about? Its like, why all the irregularity? Well, they are seeking something different, for sure...Well, we are getting carried away, but if you search for this band, you'll find it. If you search for 'The Shaggs', you'll be able to find them. The name of the album is 'Philosophy of the World'.
K: Ok, let's finish here. Please subscribe.
J: Yes, please do.
K: Thank you very much.
T: Thank you.
*1, 2, 4 Couldn't catch
*3 Could't catch explicitly, but I think thats what he means
*5 I can hear what he's saying, but I just couldn't put together what he means. Feedback always welcome btw!
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5e Mordekaiser, the Iron Revenant build (League of Legends)
(Artwork made for Riot Games.)
K-POP IS TEMPORARY; IRON STANDS ETERNAL!
Guess I just don’t really want to make nothing but K-Pop builds. Been playing Morde a lot and he’s fun, and Morde in D&D is actually a build I’ve been thinking about for awhile. I don’t have to use Tasha’s content either for this build so I figured I’d make something other than eGirls in anticipation for Pentakill’s comeback album.
Please for the love of god give us a new Pentakill Mordekaiser skin, and actually turn his mace into a guitar!
GOALS
Shed the frailty of flesh; embrace the cold edge of iron - The iron revenant needs iron, with a giant mace and armor that can block even the strongest sword. For iron stands eternal.
In my clutches! - Those who try to flee will be brought back by Death’s Grasp. There is no escaping fate.
Accept your demise - Tired of your foes running? Bring them to a Realm of Death where they’ll have to fight.
RACE
I know that Mordekaiser is technically a revenant but in my continued attempts to make my builds “Adventurer’s League legal” while not using Adventurer’s League rules we’re going to go with a Warforged, because of course we’d pick the race made of metal. As a Warforged your Constitution increases by 2 and you can increase another stat of your choice by 1: bump up your Charisma to be just a little bit scarier.
As iron stands eternal you have Constructed Resilience for advantage against being poisoned, resistance to the poisoned condition, immunity to disease, and no need to eat, drink, or breathe. You also don’t need to sleep and can’t be put to sleep by magic: instead to sleep you enter a Sentry’s Rest, where you stand motionless for hours but are still fully aware of your surroundings.
But most importantly to resist all blows you have Integrated Protection. It flat out increases your AC by 1, and also makes it so that instead of “wearing” armor you integrate it into your body. While the armor is integrated into you it can’t be removed by any means.
Finally you have Specialized Design for a skill, tool, and language of your choice. For your skill I opted for Performance to show that you’re the chosen: you are the guardian, the guardian. (But feel free to take something more practical.) For your tool a Lute is the closest you’ll get to a guitar to lead a Yordle city destroying band. And for your language choose whatever you think the spirits of the dead would speak: I opted for Abyssal personally. Definitely not because Abyssal is the first option alphabetically.
ABILITY SCORES
15; STRENGTH - Iron stands eternal, and iron is heavy.
14; WISDOM - Morde speaks in very sagely ways, and this is a rather big requirement for one of our classes.
13; CHARISMA - Charisma is tied directly to being the scariest revenant around, and indirectly tied to kick-ass guitar solos.
12; CONSTITUTION - Twice slain and thrice reborn doesn’t happen if you’re not a sturdy fella.
10; INTELLIGENCE - Being alive for eons means that you would know a thing or two about history.
8; DEXTERITY - Iron stands eternal, and iron is heavy.
BACKGROUND
There’s a lot of potential backgrounds for Mordekaiser (I honestly really like the Knight background because Retainers are fun) but the most accurate one for abilities and lore would be a Soldier. You gain proficiency in Athletics but I’m going to suggest swapping Intimidation out for History proficiency, since you’re an ancient being who was around for many wars. You also gain proficiency with land vehicles and a gaming set of your choice, both of which don’t matter much: see if you can maybe grab another metal instrument instead.
Your background with a Military Rank means that your followers recognize you as their general (or possibly a lower rank if your DM isn’t a fan of OP level 1 backstories.) They defer to you if they are of lower rank, and you can use your military influence to requisition supplies as needed.
(Artwork made for Riot Games.)
THE BUILD
LEVEL 1 - PALADIN 1
An oath sworn to death is still an oath. Paladins get proficiency in two skills from the Paladin list: this is where we’ll actually be grabbing Intimidation, and we’ll also take Religion. Yeah turns out that Morde’s obsession with death is actually a religion.
Regardless Paladins at level 1 have Divine Sense. You can spend an action to sense any celestial, fiend, or undead within 60 feet of you that is not behind total cover. You know the type of being but not its identity, and you can also use this ability to determine if an area has been consecrated or desecrated. You can use this feature a number of times equal to your Charisma modifier plus one, and regain all uses at the end of a Long Rest.
You also have some healing for your Indestructible body with Lay on Hands. You have a pool of healing power equal to five times your Paladin level that you can spend to heal anyone you touch (including yourself.) You can spend any number of your remaining hitpoints on the heal, or you can spend 5 hitpoints to cure a disease or neutralize a poison. You can stop multiple poisons and diseases at a time (spending 5 hitpoints for each) but seeing as iron resists poison and disease you should be fine. Your puny allies however may need the help.
Now may also be a good time to mention what weapons and armor to take. For a giant two-handed mace take a Maul, and for heavy armor take heavy armor. For now that will just be Chainmail (granted by default with Paladin starting equipment) but you can transition to Platemail in the future hopefully.
LEVEL 2 - PALADIN 2
Second level Paladins get to choose their Fighting Style to augment their non-abilities. To be completely unbreakable take Defense for another +1 to your AC.
You also get access to Spellcasting. You can prepare a number of spells equal to your Charisma modifier plus half your Paladin level (rounded down.) The main spell we’re here for is Compelled Duel to force foes to face you and make it a lot harder for them to fight. It’s not a full 1v1 dimension but it works pretty well. Other than that if you want some Nashor’s Tooth damage Divine Favor will make your strikes a lot more painful, and if you want even more defense Shield of Faith will block any blow that may come your way.
Of course you can ignore all this and Obliterate your foes with Divine Smite, spending a spell slot and turning into magic Radiant damage. A smite with do 2d8 for a first level slot plus an additional d8 per slot above first, up to a maximum of 5d8 with a 4th level slot. If you hit an undead or fiend however the damage increases by another d8, for a maximum of 6d8.
LEVEL 3 - PALADIN 3
Third level Paladins get Divine Health which literally doesn’t impact you since you’re a Warforged, so instead we’ll talk about your Sacred Oath. As fun and flavorful as an Oathbreaker would be that subclass is kinda... bad? So instead look to the Oath of Conquest to shatter your foes!
You get the Armor of Agathys spell for some Thornmail, and the Command spell for Death’s Grasp. Telling someone to approach doesn’t have the same impact as grabbing them with a spooky ghost claw but it works just as well. You also get two Channel Divinity options. Conquering Presence will make everyone near you frightened, and Guided Strike will let you add +10 to an attack roll which will guarantee that you’ll hit in most if not all situations.
LEVEL 4 - PALADIN 4
4th level Paladins get an Ability Score Improvement: seeing as our Strength is uneven we can take a Feat like Heavy Armor Master, increasing our Strength by 1 and making it so that our foes’ puny non-magical weapons bounce off us like nothing.
You can also prepare another spell but we’re going to wait a bit on that.
LEVEL 5 - PALADIN 5
5th level Paladins get an Extra Attack, giving you enough attack speed to swing Nightfall twice before your opponent starts to run.
You also get access to second level spells. Oath of Conquest gives you Hold Person to keep your foes in place and Spiritual Weapon for a ghostly soldier to fight alongside you. You can also prepare a spell like Aid to further boost your health, making it even harder to slay you once more.
(Artwork made for Riot Games.)
LEVEL 6 - CLERIC 1
Despite being a big metal man Mordekaiser is an AP champ, but he also hits people quite a lot with his mace. Hence we’re going into the AP class that also hits people with a mace. Now you may think that we’d want to go into Death Cleric for a revenant... THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG FOOLISH MORTAL! IRON STANDS ETERNAL! FORGE DOMAIN! At level 1 you get Blessing of the Forge allowing you to turn a weapon or piece of armor into a magical +1 weapon or armor. My tip? More armor. Iron stands eternal.
As a Cleric you also get Spellcasting that relies on your Wisdom instead of your Charisma. You also actually get cantrips! You are the master of death and you choose when people die, so take Spare the Dying to make them not die. To make sure your subjects hear your words Thaumaturgy will let all hear you. And just because Mordekaiser is a melee champ doesn’t mean you can’t have a ranged damage option, so take Toll the Dead so none can escape what comes for all.
Check page something-or-other to see how many spell slots you have, but what’s important to know is that you can prepare a number of spells equal to your Wisdom modifier plus your Cleric level. As a Forge Cleric you also get Identity to find the perfect weapon, and Searing Smite to seal your foes away with Nightfall’s Kiss. To keep usurpers away Protection from Good and Evil will make it nye-impossible for them to harm you, and to command your allies as an army Bless will strengthen their weapons and resolve. Other than that? I mean someone should probably have Detect Magic. Truthfully there isn’t much we need from first level spells.
LEVEL 7 - CLERIC 2
Second level Clerics get Channel Divinity options that use the same Channel Divinity charges that your Paladin Channel Divinity uses. Luckily these ones are a little more situational: Turn Undead lets you... turn undead. (Please just read the ability’s description as I’m sick of explaining it in every Cleric build I make.) Artisan's Blessing meanwhile lets you craft something from eternal iron... or whatever other metal you may have. The cost can’t exceed 100 gold, but you can arm your soldiers with weapons and armor... within reason.
You can also prepare another spell but we’re going to wait for...
LEVEL 8 - CLERIC 3
Third level Clerics can prepare second level spells. As a Forge Cleric you have Heat Metal innately prepared, as well as Magic Weapon. This is why I suggested you use your Blessings of the Forge on your armor, because Magic Weapon will let you improve Nightfall. And Heat Metal is surprisingly one of the best spells to counter you, so good thing you have it in your arsenal.
Speaking of arsenal: for the power to carry all that iron Enhance Ability will make you the perfect being for anything you may wish to do. Warding Bond is perhaps not as useful for you, but strengthening your allies strengthens you through relation.
LEVEL 9 - CLERIC 4
4th level means more Ability Score Improvements. Strength is tied to just about everything we do currently (and is notably needed if we want Platemail) so increase that by 2, making Nightfall all the deadlier.
You could also prepare another spell but there isn’t much to take from second level either, so it would be good to wait for third level spells. You do get another cantrip though and even the strongest warriors can use some otherworldly aid, so take Guidance for that aid.
(Artwork made for Riot Games.)
LEVEL 10 - CLERIC 5
5th level Clerics can Destroy Undead of CR 1/2 with their Turn Undead Channel Divinity. Perhaps it’s odd for a revenant to destroy undead, but I’d rule it as culling the weak.
But more importantly you can prepare third level spells! Forge Clerics get Elemental Weapon for an upgrade to Magic Weapon, and Protection from Energy for an Adaptive Helm. May you rest in peace in Season 11. We’ve yet to get our passive yet, so to make Darkness Rise take Spirit Guardians to damage foes near you. And you know what we don’t have a lot of as an undead revenant? Undead minions. Animate Dead will bring forth your legion, so they can’t bring you down easily.
LEVEL 11 - CLERIC 6
6th level Clerics can use their Channel Divinity twice per Short or Long Rest, which is nice because this also affects your Paladin Channel Divinities. Additionally Forge Clerics get the Soul of the Forge for resistance to Fire damage and EVEN. MORE. AC!
And you can prepare more spells! Want to keep your domain safe? Glyph of Warding will deter anyone trying to stop you before you can awaken again.
LEVEL 12 - CLERIC 7
Level 7 in Cleric? Level 4 in spells. Forge Clerics get Fabricate to craft tools of war. But more importantly you can stop people from interrupting your 1v1s with a Wall of Fire! People can still butt in, but being surrounded by flames definitely makes it harder!
Additionally you can grab Death Ward, to stop anything from taking you down... at first. You may crack iron, but you can never break it.
LEVEL 13 - CLERIC 8
Level 8 gives another Ability Score Improvement which means it’s finally time to max out your Strength! This is great because you now also have Divine Strike to make Nightfall do an additional d8 of Fire damage on hit!
And how about more spells? Banishment is like your ultimate but you can’t join them in the Death Realm. And without you there isn’t much death. It’s honestly fairly harmless. But at least if they don’t belong in this realm you can hopefully lock them away for good.
Oh and your Turn Undead now can Destroy Undead of CR 1 or lower. So mind your minions.
(Artwork by Teddy Tarnando.)
LEVEL 14 - CLERIC 9
Who likes 5th level spells? As a Forge Cleric you know Animate Objects to bring unholy life to iron, and Creation to create said iron. For a burst of darkness that does Radiant damage Flame Strike is a good tool to level any battlefield.
LEVEL 15 - CLERIC 10
10th level Clerics may be blessed with Divine Intervention. You may pray to the god of death (or I guess the god of the forge too) for assistance before rolling on a percentile die. If you roll a number equal to or lower than your Cleric level, the gods intervene. If you receive aid you can’t use this ability for 7 days. If you aren’t heard the ability comes back on a Long Rest.
You know what else comes back after a Long Rest? Spell slots. You know what doesn’t come back after a Long Rest (normally)? The dead. So grab Raise Dead to bring the dead after a notably Long Rest. You can also add another cantrip to your list, and for times when iron doesn’t stand eternal you may want some Mending.
LEVEL 16 - CLERIC 11
11th level Clerics can prepare 6th level spells. Blade Barrier is perhaps not the most practical spell but it’s metal as fuck in more ways than one, blocking your foes with whirling death. Say it with me now: iron stands eternal! You can also now Destroy Undead of CR 2.
LEVEL 17 - CLERIC 12
At level 12 you get another Ability Score Improvement or a Feat... hey wouldn’t it be funny if we literally completely ignored our spellcasting modifiers in favor of just hitting things harder with our mace? This perhaps would’ve been stronger to take earlier but we’re finally grabbing Great Weapon Master for the hardest, most deadly strikes with Nightfall’s Kiss.
And more spells prepared? Well it’s perhaps not the most practical more undead minions from Create Undead will serve you well.
(Artwork by Sunny Pandita, Concept Artist at Riot Games.)
LEVEL 18 - CLERIC 13
13th level presents you with 7th level spells and damn there are a lot of good ones, but I’m actually going to suggest Regenerate to keep you or any allies in the fight.
LEVEL 19 - CLERIC 14
Another level, another spell. Even though there’s some really great stuff at 7th level you don’t have many spell slots there, so I’d instead suggest going back to fountain to resupply. Word of Recall (a 6th level spell) can help in a pinch to escape from danger and retreat to regroup.
Your Turn Undead now can Destroy Undead of CR 3 or lower. But most importantly: your Divine Strike now increases to 2d8 fire damage! So if Nightfall is a regular maul it’s doing 2d6 bludgeoning and an additional 2d8 fire damage on your first hit!
LEVEL 20 - CLERIC 15
15th level gives you an 8th level spell! You’ll only have one of these so make sure it counts! Clerics don’t have that many 8th level spells to choose from but you may be surprised to hear that I’m suggesting Holy Aura. Why? It’s the ultimate spell to stand eternally, making your foes attacks bounce off you like nothing while the weapons of your legion strike hard and strong!
FINAL BUILD
PROS
Flesh constrains; iron liberates - You know what’s fun? Having 20 AC with just (+1) Chainmail, and up to 22 AC with standard (+1) Plate! All I can say is that your DM will be thanking the gods that you didn’t decide to grab a shield.
Thus begins the slaughter - Ha ha Nightfall go bonk. If your sick of hearing people say that Martial classes don’t do a lot of damage show them a Martial character with Smites, Divine Strike, spells to boost their weapons, and Great Weapon Master to add a flat +10 to your damage! Not to mention that Guided Strike practically guarantees that you’ll land your blows, and you have two Channel Divinities per Short Rest!
I’m actually making a second paragraph for this: the most damage you can do in a turn (using two fourth level spell slots on Smites, a 7th level Elemental Weapon spell applied to your weapon, and assuming you use Great Weapon Master on both attacks) is... 4d6 + 36 Bludgeoning damage, 2d8 Fire damage, 6d4 Elemental Weapon damage (of your chosen damage type), and 10d8 Radiant Damage. This, on average, will do 130 damage! (Not accounting for Resistances.) To put this into perspective: Tiamat has 615 HP. A lot of resistances too yes, but not accounting for those resistances you in-theory are doing 20% of Tiamat’s health in one attack!
Power eternal - You may not have 9th level spells but you have 9th level slots, and tons of spells that will level the battlefield no matter how likely they are to hit. Buffing spells work regardless of your spellcasting modifier, and do so to great effect.
CONS
A fleeting delay of the inevitable - Hey you know what’s good to do as a spellcaster? Cast spells. Both your spellcasting modifiers are at the bare minimum required to multiclass. Perhaps see if you can build this character with Point Buy so you can dump every stat except for Strength, Wisdom, and Charisma. (Well Constitution is still good too.)
Such meaningless struggle - Dumping ability scores also means that your own saving throws are subpar, and unlike usual with Paladins you don’t have Aura of Protection to save you. Notably a -1 to DEX means you won’t be dodging any skillshots anytime soon.
Enter the crucible of anguish - You are a big, slow, bulky lad who needs to rely on a big smacc sticc to do just about everything. Anyone who can outrun you will quickly make you useless as you have to get closer to beat the shit out of people.
But you needn’t come to them: death shall befall them either way. They can stay away and hide from the inevitable, or approach and accept their fate. Nothing will break you, nothing will stop you. Twice slain, thrice reborn, you are Mordekaiser, and you stand eternal. Along with your kickass metal album.
(Artwork made for Riot Games.)
#dnd#dnd 5e#dnd build#dnd guide#League of Legends#League of Legends Mordekaiser#Mordekaiser#dnd paladin#dnd cleric#iron#stands#eternal#Iron stands Eternal#heavy#metal#heavy metal
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okay and are my live reactions to the fatal love album & my rankings bc i know u all care a lot !
love killa: SUCH a bop! one of the best line distributions i think? ive only heard it once but thats what it seemed like. the mv was soooo pretty and nice to look at. also its kinda a new sound for them i love it. jealousy.. is still ahead of it in terms of best mx title tracks, but this is deffo in top 3. i am not even going to talk about changkyun’s verse. i cant see therefore i cant acknowledge it
gasoline: VOCALS!!!!! way chiller than i thought it would be! but still so good. they all sound amazing omg. the bridge was too short it was so funky. also! i wish there wasnt as much autotune on the rap parts but its ok 😔
thriller: HELLO FAST RAPPIGN KINDA VOCAL LINE???? i loooovvvve the meoldy at the prechorus ALSO HYUNGWON IS BELTING GOD HIS TIME HAS COME THIS IS SOOOO GOOD. THE HARMONIES. god. the emotion in honey’s voice...... god. also minhyuk has one of the most gorgeous and unique voices in kpop, am i biased? yes! but im still right. this is also my fave so far
guess who: START IT OFF STRONG BEST RAP LINE IN KPOP!!!! vocals soooo pretty omg. OH THE CHORUS. THIS IS SO WEIRD BUT I RLY LIKE IT. i think ? the prechorus w the vocals building up is my fave part rn oooohh. i cant get over how good they all sounds though omfg. hyunwoo go off.... this would b so fun to watch live. BELTING!! KIHYUN GOD
nobody else: the warping noise in the bg is super cool oooh.!!!!!!!! THIS IS PRETTY OMG!!!! the verses sound like they would be in the bg of a club scene in a horror movie. very specific but. those are the vibes. THE BRIDGE OMG MY FAVE BRIDGE IN THE ALBUM SO FAR. shownu’s vocals ohhh my god. ALSO HYUNGWON PRODUCED THIS OMFG
beast mode: IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS ONE. THE VOCALS AT THE BEGINNING ARE SO COOL. the rapping ohhhhhhOHHHHH MY GOD. this whole album is just full of super cool melodies that use accidentals to kinda go out of the key for a second and it sounds so fucking good!!! this is going so hard omfg. THIS would be the one to be the most fun live i think rn
stand together: i have ONLY heard the intro but this might be my fave omg lets see. OMG NOT WHERE I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING BUT OKAY JOOHEON GO OFF! WIPLASH GOING TO THE relatively CALM VOCALS i love this. mini modulation oooohhh. omg this is so cool how theyre blending the vocals and rap even though they have rly different vibes ahh JOOHEON OH MY GUCKFJIHDJS RHT THE RAP THATS HOW IT ENDS?????
night view: CHANGKYUN SIGNIGNF THIS IS SO PRETTY I LOBE HIS VOICE SO KCUH. i am like 40 seconds in and i have already favorited this on spotify . THEY ALL SOUND SO PRETTY ONFG. the chorus oh my god A BOP!! i love when jooheon does the half rap half singing ugh i love his tone. “can we dance on the moonlight” oooohhh i love that lyric & the rhythm. the vibes of this one are immaculate. LIKE NOT TO BE A CHANGKYUN STAN BUT...
last carnival: the intro was so creepy and haunting but i loved it. OOH!! this is cool omg. THEIR LOWER NOTES OMG I HARDLY RECOGNIZED THE VOICES???? kihyun’s lower register is gooorrrrgeous omfg. this is so chill and pretty omg love it. i like the kinda creepy vibes at the beginning and end potent
sorry im not sorry: CHANGKYUN OPENING IT AGAIN!!!!! wait i love this. this. this sounds like it would be the last song in an indie musical.. MINHYUK.... god... and hyungwon his voice is absolutely perfect for this song. i looovvee this thisnis like kinda jazzy kinda pop kinda indie its so nice to listen to. and they soumd incredible. as always. THE HARMONIES. THEYRE ACTUAL HARMONIES AND NOT JUST OCTAVE DOUBLING OR AD LIBS
OKAY SO NOW THE RANKINGS. this is very subject to change and also depends on my mood ! & im gonna try to not use =. also i really live all these songs like. this might be one of their best albums minhyuk rly was not lying
thriller > night view > sorry im not sorry > beast mode > nobody else > love killa > stand together > gasoline > guess who > last carnival
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Unforeseen Chasm (Part 43)
Prompt: Two sisters fall for men that are absolute enemies. The love they have could tear all of them apart, or it could bring them together.
Word Count:3370
Warnings: Language, mentions of the past, mentions of the winter soldier, triggered ofc song for this part: Note: This is by far the longest thing I’ve ever written (including my novels). It’s a collaboration with the amazing @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo. It started as a funny “What if…?” and it evolved and got huge. This took two years to write. We are both proud and happy and we hope you enjoy it. It follows from Thor 1 to Endgame in the MCU. Some of the timelines may be off in order to fit certain people, and some characters may show up earlier or in different ways than they have in the movie. But for the most part, it follows the MCU. It also has a bit of crossover with some other Marvel characters throughout the story.
Masterlist for Unforeseen Chasm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once all the paperwork was filled out and signed, you were given the green light to head over to Nebraska. You set out packing your things and going out to get some stuff you knew you’d need since what you had wouldn’t keep you warm on those cold nights. About half an hour later Shannon got to the apartment and since she still had her key to it, she unlocked the door and headed in.
“Y/N! I was thinking we could hang out tonight and watch some movies before you leave,” she called out while she took her coat off but what she didn’t know was that the only person in the apartment was Loki and he’d been in the bedroom looking over pictures of you when you were in college.
Upon hearing someone in the apartment Loki walked out of the room with a dagger in one hand while the other opened the door.
“Who’s there?” Loki asked, his voice hesitant, yet confident. He put the tip of the knife between his skilled fingertips, readying it to fling it at the intruder. However, he just rounded the corner from the short hallway in time to see who it was. “Ah… It’s you.” Lowering the weapon, he quickly hid the dagger behind an illusion, and Shannon could no longer see that he was armed -- but she was sure that he was. In fact, she was entirely sure he was armed to the teeth, but he kept that all a mystery for her, and any other potential enemy.
She turned around when she heard the familiar male voice, her shoulders tensed seeing as he’d put away the knife but tried to play it off as if she hadn’t. “Hello, Loki, sorry for barging in, I had come over to… well you must had already heard what I yelled out. Is Y/N not here?” Shannon moved from one foot to the other.
“Does it look like she’s here?” he asked, his eyebrows raised as he gestured around the room sarcastically. When he saw her face morph into irritation, he backed off. He took a deep breath, and in a softer voice said, “No, she isn’t. She’s out getting supplies for her trip.”
Returning the sarcasm she replied, “Well it’s not like I can see through walls, if I could I wouldn’t have come up here.” Seeing the smidge of fear take over his features, she calmed down. “It’s alright. I probably should have texted her first.” She sat down in the one chair that you had kept that was her’s. “You didn’t want to go with her?” she asked, wondering why he was alone in the apartment.
“I promised to stay behind and clean the apartment for her. One less thing to worry about while she gets ready. Turns out cleaning actually turns into walking down memory lane…” He smirked, even laughing lightly. “Well, walking down her memory lane, that is. I came across her college photo album and got distracted.”
Shannon relaxed a bit, then she realized what he had said. “That photo album wouldn’t happen to be a fat blue one with white letters on the front would it?” She cringed hoping it wasn’t that one at all. She remembered all the silly photos the two of you had taken thinking no one but you two would ever see them.
He frowned slightly. “Actually, yes. You know it?”
“Ummm… yes actually, that’s the one album I thought we’d gotten rid of,” she said sounding a bit nervous. He didn’t know of her training from before her powers and many of the pictures she had saved in there were of her time in the Red Room. “You’ve probably gone through most of it, haven’t you?” she asked, wringing her fingers together.
He bobbed his head side to side. “For the most part, yes. Why? Is something the matter with it? It looks like you two had a lot of fun back then.”
“Well.. it’s not that there’s something the matter with it, it’s just that there are some pictures that Y/N had made me keep from.. From a period in my life before I became best friends with her that I would rather keep between me and her.” Shannon really hoped that she would be able to steer him away from learning the gruesome truth of who she really is or was in the past. “I guess it won’t really matter once you get to the back of the album,” she said, sinking further into the chair.
Loki took a tentative step toward her, eyeing her curiously. “Is there something you don’t want me to see?” He was about to give her a second to respond, but then he decided to add something to his question. “Because if there is, you can tell me and I’ll respect your wishes.”
Looking up at him, she never really got to know who he was as a person, which was something she had never really considered wanting to do. But seeing as he would eventually find out about her past, it might be time to know more about him. “There is in fact something that I would rather you not look at but I believe that it would help create a bridge of understanding between us as people who are a big part of Y/N’s life,” she told him with as much sincerity as she could muster at that moment. “If you don’t mind, would you bring the album over here? I’d think it’d be best to explain while showing you what I mean.”
He peered at her, intrigued by what she said, so he obliged. He swept out of the room, back to his bedroom, and retrieved the album. He handed it to her, gesturing for her to go on and explain what was going on.
Flipping the album open, she thumbed the pages until she found exactly what she was looking for. It’d been years since she had seen them. She pulled out most of them and put them in the correct order they belonged in. “These right here are photos of the past life I once lived years before meeting Y/N. The things I was taught and I had done has made me the woman I am today, or as Y/N/N liked to call me ‘femme fatale’.” She passed a few of the photos to him and let him take his time looking through them knowing he’d have questions.
His brow furrowed as he looked at the pictures of her. She was in all black attire -- a black t-shirt, black tactical pants, and black boots. In none of the photos was she smiling. Every photo she wore the same stoic face, which chilled him to the bone. “Was this some form of military school? Why were you there? And why are you telling me?”
She looked up from the picture she’d been looking at where it was Natasha, herself, and their instructor James. It’d been taken after a particularly exhausting training day but Nat had managed to get her and James somewhat smiling.
“It wasn’t exactly a school. It was a program where twenty-six of us were trained to be ruthless fighters and skilled in espionage,” she had begun when she pointed to one of the pictures that were laid out on the coffee table. “I was sent there as a young child by my parents thinking it was a program to help us become proper ladies, when really it was about us becoming skilled assassins.” She pointed to the other picture. “These two girls were the one in the highest ranks, which happens to be Natasha and myself. I’m telling you this because I believe you deserve to know the truth rather than finding out on your own.” She stopped to collect her thoughts and let him process what he had been told.
He slightly shook his head. “I don’t understand… Why does it matter whether I know, or how I find out? So you were enrolled in a young assassins class, what does that matter?”
“This is me trying to be honest about my past so that you and I don't have any bad standings.” She couldn't look at him, she felt as if she were too exposed to keep going. “When you told me you were looking through here fear came over me thinking if you’d find these pictures you’d try to convince Y/N/N that I shouldn’t be around her because of how dangerous I can be…” She got quiet for a moment. “I just got her back I don’t want to lose her again. She’s been that one constant person in my life since I had gone into college. It might be a bit clingy but she has no idea how much more I need her than she needs me.” Shannon felt as if a weight had been slightly lifted from her shoulders.
At this, Loki smirked quietly to himself. “Well, I can’t blame you for wanting to be around her. She is quite magnetic, isn’t she?” It was more rhetorical than anything else. “I… I may be a lot of things… but hypocritical is something I try not to be. I don’t hide the fact that I betray and deceive… which is precisely why your past doesn’t bother me.” He took a deep breath, thinking. “Y/N knows about your past, correct?”
She nodded.
“And she still remained your best friend…”
Again, she nodded.
“So… then why would I care?” Before she could answer, Loki continued. “I love her dearly, and I want to protect her from the evil in this universe, but I also respect the fact that she is an adult and can make her own informed decisions. If she knows of this past and chooses to be your friend, I see no reason to take that from either of you. Until you give me a reason not to trust you around her, I won’t do that.”
“You have no idea how much this means to me right now, Loki. I’ve never really thought about this but talking to you now like this makes me rethink about the person you are,” she told him in all honesty. “I believe there’s so much more to you than what you’ve shown us, and I’d like to make things up to you.”
Instantly, he was both touched and curious. “Oh? What would that be?”
“That’s what I’m still trying to figure out. I don’t know much about you aside from what’s happened here, and the fangirling Y/N/N had done about you when she was in Asgard.”
He couldn’t help but grin at this. “Fangirling, eh? Did she really mention me?”
She smiled seeing how pleased he looked knowing how he’d made you react when you first met him. “Half of the times she sent me a letter it would be her describing you and the type of person you seem to be,” she said. “Other times it would be her talking about your eyes and the sound of your voice, just don’t tell her I told you.” She laughed waving her hand. “She’d probably get flustered knowing you know.”
“Your secret is safe with me. I do wonder though, why she kept that from me. You would think I would find it endearing,” he wondered with a tiny smile.
“Thank you, Loki. Also wow what a total sap you could be!” she exclaimed a bit. Getting to know Loki like this was very interesting. “How are you doing now that you're living here and you're working with Stephen?” she asked, genuinely curious.
“Surprisingly, better, now that I’m not simply cleaning up his shop of relics. He’s actually telling me what things do, and I feel like I’m learning a lot. As far as living here, well... “ He looked around. “I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. I grew up with Odin and my mother, in a palace. Taken prisoner on Sanctuary, and then imprisoned here on Earth. I’ve never… I’ve never lived this sort of domestic life, especially with a partner. I have no idea what to do, if I’m doing a good job. I’ve heard a lot about ‘balancing work and home’, and I’m not sure if I’m doing that at all. I feel… guilty because Y/N went through all of this trouble getting this space, this home, set up for us and I don’t know how to properly care for it or live in it. I can’t cook. I don’t know how to clean or what cleaning product does what. Just the other day I tried cleaning the sink, and when Y/N saw me, she screamed in terror, telling me that I was using the wrong cleaner… I had no idea such a thing existed… I still can’t manage to work a computer or television well. This must be how she felt coming to Asgard,” he suddenly realized.
At that moment, his eyes seemed to shift to a far off point, as if he were reliving something.
“It’s a wonder how she ever survived my planet… our planet,” he corrected, remembering your true heritage. “Everything here is so strange and new and peculiar. It makes me worry that….” He stopped, not one for sharing his weaknesses, but seeing as Shannon had bared her soul, it was only fair. “It worries me that she will… want a normal life, with a normal human man from Earth. Someone she doesn’t have to explain everything to.”
She nodded her head knowing where he was coming from. “I was in the same position you were when I moved into the tower and Tony and I were still figuring things out. He was still getting used to the idea that he was in a relationship with a skilled assassin and I had to get out of the mindset of not having specific orders on how to do things. I was able to have a choice.” She went on to talk about how she’d felt the same way and tried to leave but Tony wouldn’t have it. “If you would like I could install one of the Al systems into the apartment to help you get caught up with everything? They could answer all your questions.” She waited to see how he would respond.
Loki waited a moment, contemplating it. He wasn’t sure using more technology to learn technology was a great strategy, but he also didn’t have anything to lose, and he desperately needed help.
“Sure. I would appreciate that. And if you could teach me how to do laundry…?” he asked in a hopeful, nervous tone. He worried Shannon would laugh at the fact that he needed help with something so mundane. If she said no, he would plan to play it off like a joke.
“I would be happy to help you,” she simply replied in a tone that she hoped would soothe his feeling of nervousness. “There’s no need to feel nervous about asking me about these sorts of things,” she reaffirmed.
“Thank you. It’s good to know that.”
A moment of awkward silence fell between the two of them as Loki nervously played with his hands.
“Is there something the matter? I can practically feel the nervousness pulsing from you.”
His eyes flashed to hers. “Actually… If I’m being honest, your presence makes me--”
“Uncomfortable?” she finished, knowing exactly how he felt.
“Precisely.”
“Guess it’ll take some time getting used to being around each other. I do however want to apologize for what happened at the sanctum. I didn’t think it would get that out of control or why Stevie didn’t pin me to the floor.” She felt guilty knowing that she caused this awkwardness between them and hoped to get passed it. “I’m still not sure when I’ll be stable enough to control it and not the other way around.”
He waved her off. “Think nothing of that. I’m not… referring to your recent… abilities. I’m more referring to… well.. Years ago. It’s hard not to look at you, and be reminded of how one moment you were my girlfriend, the next you’re literally stabbing me in the back… Kudos, by the way. Quite clever. It does remind me of something I would do. Perhaps why it frightens me... “ A fond smile played at his lips. “That was years ago, I know, but your training may have something to do with that… To be fair, I was trying to take over your home planet.”
She stayed quiet for a moment, she seemed frozen in the memory of that day all those years ago. In an instant, it began to pour outside, causing Loki to run and close the window.
“Shannon?” he questioned, concerned. While what he said was true, he didn’t want to cause her discomfort. He was just about to reach for her when she seemed to snap back to the present.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to cause you to fear me…” She paused, she knew there was nothing she could do to reassure him that she meant no harm to him but with the recent event that’s twice she’s attempted to kill him
He shook his head, waving her off. “It’s fine. It’s been years passed, and quite frankly it was deserved. We did attack you. However, the fact remains that you shoved a knife in my back.” Then, as if he remembered something, he commented, “Actually, I would say we’re even at this point. Y/N nearly killed Tony. You nearly killed me. Y/N shot and stabbed you. By now, I think the scales are pretty balanced.” For a split second, his face was serious, before it broke into a playful smile and chuckle.
Shannon paled at remembering all that’s occurred and the split moment with how serious he sounded. “I… guess we are balanced. Let’s just keep it at that, don’t you think?” She laughed a tiny bit hoping the awkwardness would fade.
He laughed back. “Yes, I think that’s a good idea. I… I would like nothing more if we could put the past in the past and move forward with a clean slate?”
“I think that is a great idea.”
“Good. I’m glad we could clear that up.”
Just as he said that, the door unlocked, and you stepped through the threshold. At first, you frowned, wondering what those two were doing. Then, it quickly became replaced with a gentle smile. Seeing the two people you loved the most in this world talking, possibly bonding even.
“Hey. What are y’all doin?” you asked.
“Nothing much, just looking at some of the old pictures you still have if us from college,” Shannon told you. She looked at the time and saw that she’d been there for two hours. “Oh shoot! It's late. I should get back to the tower.”
“Oh? Why? Where’s the fire? Did you come to see me?” you wondered.
“I came to hang out with you but when you weren't around well…”
“Well… what?” you questioned. “Did you two fight?” you noted, a little worried.
“Loki and I got to talking and we seem to be on the same page about things and have a mutual understanding of each other.”
“Well I’m glad to hear that. Are you sure you can’t stay?” you asked, starting to put your bags down on the floor.
“I would love to but I just realized there's a change I need to make to the invites list and get Tony to be okay with it,” she said going over to you and giving you a hug. “You and I will still get out a movie night before you leave, you hear me?” She kissed your forehead and turned to wave to Loki. “Have a good night you two.”
“What was that all about?” you wondered as soon as the door closed.
“Just some… mending, is all. Did you find everything you wanted?”
You wanted to inquire more, but you knew Loki would tell you everything, eventually. You launched into everything you bought, feeling elated that your loved ones were settling things between them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tag List: @essie1876 @magpiegirl80 @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @iamwarrenspeace @marvel-imagines-yes-please @superwholocked527 @missinstantgratification @thejemersoninferno @rda1989 @munlis @thefridgeismybestie @bubblyanarocks3 @igiveupicantthinkofausername @kaliforniacoastalteens @feelmyroarrrr @kaelingoat-blog @friendlyneighbourhoodweirdo @damalseer @heyitscam99 @yknott81 @sorryimacrapwriter @glitterquadricorn @xxqueenofisolationxx @little-dis-kaalista-pythonissama @bittersweetunicorm @alyssaj23 @sea040561 @princess76179 @thisismysecrethappyplace @sarahp879 @malfoysqueen14 @ellallheart @breezy1415 @marvelmayo @random-fluffy-pink-unicorn @cocosierra94 @hardcollectionworldtrash @capsmuscles @marvelloushamilton @paintballkid711
Loki: @lostinspace33 @ultrarebelheart @lenawiinchester @esoltis280 @tngrayson @wangdeasang @harrymewmew @jayfantasyatyourservice
UC: @lokis-high-priestess
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FREYAM DREAMS OF DUST - https://disparition.bandcamp.com/album/3-freyam-dreams-of-dust
I.
How much do you remember? Temple under the mountain Limetree in a shaft of light Gray robe on the edge of shadow Bare forearm dragging a branch along the floor The river of stones, the sound of their shells clicking together
II.
I remember. It was the same day they were captured out near Anchorstore. I was in my office, deep in the corridors of the High Marengo’s palacia. We didn’t know, of course, we couldn’t have and yet, all the same, there was a shift in the light, in the weight of the air.
My office was windowless, lit by two candles, but there were times in between Bells when I could move quietly along the outer edges of fasing departments and make my way to a forgotten balcony facing the arroyo. I had never seen anyone on or near this balcony except for the occasional fellow low ranking shirker from down the hall. I knew and was on good terms with all of my counterparts.
But that day there was someone else. I don’t. I still don’t know who. Couldn’t see them, but their voice was close. The only word they said was “Freyam” – a name I had not heard in decades and was forbidden from using myself. An old trap – and yet I nodded. And then nothing, and then nothing. And then that shift in the air again, a breeze trapped on the balcony, a piece of paper trapped in the breeze.
Like my ancient name, I had not seen or felt a piece of paper in a very long time. I still wonder what might have seent me out there, frantically chasing and flailing my arms. Luckily this scene was short lived. I stuffed the thing into my robes.
I backed into the maze of corridors, disoriented. Faces turned towards me, anonymous colleagues who’d ignored my passage all these years wore masks of suspicion, my gait altered by their weight of their eyes on me. By the time I was back within my own domains I was limping, my robe stuck to me with sweat.
Watcer stood in my door frame, long arm reaching inward, spindle fingers just beginning to wrap around one of my candles. Turning without moving, wearing my face – stale tricks – watchers finger retracted, grin wider than I’ve ever worn it, now limping to mimic my own movement.
I couldn’t take it. And before I knew it in my conscious mind was undoing the watcher. Pulling back into myself and unmaking.
Watchers, you know, they’re just us. That’s no secret. We’re conditioned to forget, but some part of me didn’t forget – I fell back in my mind to the making of my watcher and I pulled and pulled at the threads until the whole process had been undone, and there was nothing left to darken my door frame except remnants of my own doubts and guilt, pooling on the floor, streaming back into my toes.
This act, while not a violation of any written law, was all the same a breech – and one that would leave unwanted resonance far and wide. I could not linger in the office.
I took an old shirt out of a drawer and quickly wove a half vial of dust into it. Propping it over the desk with light finger and shadow work - cheap but it would last a few hours - I backed into the corridors and began my descent. We were pressing up against the Bell of Pink Light, and the air was already orange.
On top of everything else, I was behind in my work. In those days the Auric Coast was coated with a thick film of overlapping microempires, petty kingdoms, experimental societies, agricultural collectives, nomadic bands, and other forms of human organization to ephemeral to be contained by any terminology. The majority of these entities armed themselves with the usual aray of symbol, sign, and anthem. The realm of Pasaedian was no exception and in my days of relevance I worked directly under the High Marengo; for seven years I wove anthems of gilded synthesis and vast ambient cloud at the behest of the crown, performing far across this valley and the next for purposes of solace, sport, and war.
But that was years and years ago – we all fade. My work had become clerical in nature. Cataloging, analyzing, decoding the anthems, chants, and worksongs of our hundreds of neighbors. In this capacity I had memorized everything from the churning dances of Neomassilia to the piercing wail of Astoria, the plastic shining anthem of the Mouselands, the whispered hopesongs of the mountain witches.
So, I was behind in my work. These were the days of bitter rivalry between Pasaedian and Citadel, the High Marengo and High Priestess in constant skirmishes over scraps of the valley. The Ziggurat employed weavers and singers not only from the coast but from all across the rim, and I was barely able to keep up. Now I was thinking this encounter on the balcony – did it even happen? Yes I could still feel the paper within my robes – I was thinking it seemed more and more a trap, some Commersean snare. It would not be the first time I had fallen under suspicion.
Amid shifting tides of colleagues anticipating the next Bell I threaded my way through corridors and courtyards of marble, out into the Marengo’s garden. A green and violet iris in the ojo of the palacia, this garden contained the last living jacaranda trees on the coast. It was the middle of Sivan and they were in the full of their brightness, the ground thickly carpeted in purple and buzzing with sacred travellers. Stepping carefully to avoid them, looking down, I almost missed the clearing until I was at its edge, and then stopped. At the center, in a column of salmon light, lay Dmina, fourth under the name, High Marengo of Pasaedian, motionless, naked, and closeyed under a sheer gold cloth. Upon the cloth crawled sacred travellers, at least fifty, more than I had seen in this lifeline. It is.. difficult to think now of the age of paper, when they numbered in the millions, when one might see a hundred or two on any summer afternoon. In this garden the travellers were named and numbered, carefully tracked, each lived in its own glass. But their keeper was nowhere to be found. Three of the Marengian guard stood on the far edge of the clearing, intently seeing nothing.
I felt a pull, I felt it coming from beneath the ground, I felt the coldness in my tailbone and the heels of my feet, and the sense of forceful, patient inevitability – it was the pull of watersource. I shifted back into the trees, sinking deeper into the soft earth with each step. The little travellers were everywhere, their hum filled my ears.
The sky was darkening, streaked with lavender, and the Bell would be upon me soon. The gardens ran up against the southwestern gates of Pasaedian. I was out and among the free buildings before the ring reached me.
In those fractured days the formal sovereignty and firstlayr powers of a petty realm like Pasaedian would extend only so far as the physical walls of the palacia itself. The majority of the valley’s residents lived in freestanding apartment blocks and houses. Their legience – to Pasaedian, to Citadel, to Mouse or to Rome – marked by a small shield affixed to the right side of the doorframe. This shield could be scanned, the level of one’s legiency determining everything from their healthcare and conflict resolution to their business rights and miliia duties and the sources of their water and light.
Almost all of the doors in my building bore the same crest on their shield as mine – the dark horse forcene of the Marengo adorned with the rose of Pasaedian. But when I reached my door, it was gone. Nothing but a shield-shaped spot of unbleached paint on the frame.
When I was a child I had recurring dreams in which I was struck by lightning. I would die but I would not wake up; changed, I would drift through a photonegative world. In middle age, watcher over a corner of the valley, my dreams were stalked by columns of smoke steadily encroaching, inexplicable formations of machines overhead. Now in old age it was this cutting of lines that haunted my dreamlife, this sudden statelessness – even though I’d dreamed of statelessness all throughout the age of paper, argued for it, pulled for it. This was different. Living in this sea of shifting states, in this age they were no more a part of one’s identity than what used to be called brand loyalty – in fact they were the same thing. But in this valley of no particular consequence there were only two, and they took and took back, block by block by block. This was not the desert nor the vale of Joaquin – to be unlined in this place was death.
I did not touch the door. The lights in the hallway were already dimming. Out on the street I stayed under leafshadow, robes pulled close and matching the tone of the darkening air. Only then did I remember the paper, folded and curled in one of my pockets.
I kept moving until I was south enough and west enough that I could slip into a small park far from sound and light. Unseen, hopefully unfelt, I threw myself beneath a young pepper tree and drew a circle around myself in the rich soil. The velvet sky was lowering itself onto all of us. I pulled the paper from my robe.
It was an airplane ticket. Made not of paper after all, but a very thin plastic. A kind no one had seen for forty years, and the two ports noted on the ticket were less than half an hour apart by car – even in the days when flights existed, this flight did not exist. Even in the thin light of this moment the aged ink – suddenly exposed to it – began to run. In spite of my care, my hands were soon smudged with indigo.
Looking out from under the branches, I realized the ground had begun to tilt. Leaves and pebbles rolled down the street, followed by a pair of Commersean guard, yelling and chasing after some lost piece of equipment. Then, nearly silent and just against the edge of the park, a smooth and darkglassed van, door sliding open, driver unseen. A concentrated light shown suddenly on me, focused on the paper, or the stains on my hands, or both. The pull, when it came, was around the wrists and gently on the back of the neck, with a sense of urgent departure. This time, I let it take me, found myself lowered gently onto ancient cushioned seats. It felt as though the van never stopped moving during this process, and there was no sound of machine within it. Rather, I fell into it, and it fell down the street, along with everything else, as though the world had been wrapped into the shape of a funnel.
III.
A simple square of asphalt, wide and clear A ring of structures, facades of towers A defensible inheritance from an earlier time Fill in the gaps with cargo containers, trailers, and soil Dig up the center and plant
In our fear of each other and our pasts we will put up walls, Only to become restless, bound too close together, fractuous and Uncontainable.
Awake to the flows, these are days of liquid light Symbols of the previous age still wrapped around us in confusing patterns, False eyes to ward off predators As the old state falls apart, the hands of gold that owned it remain strong and grasping, seperated and naked, ever pulling, pulling through blood or tear, carving sigils into the raw stone
But Others, Others take to the mountains and the sands to undo their work, unthread their branding fromt the minds it holds.
The walled cities glow in the night, hundreds of different colours fill our hills and valleys, their webs reaching into the darkness in between
Beyond the reach of their light we still have ink and paper – and so into those bright spaces where we dare not show ourselves, we can still toss messages that will be delivered by the wind.
IV.
With concentration, the feeling subsided, and my internal tides regained their balance. With even greater concentration, the tint on the window began to clear, and I could see that we were rolling into Subcontractor City.
Already, low towers of glass and pale blue light surrounded us. Subcontractor City was an exclave of the Bubblestate hundreds of miles to the north. In this place, emotion was muted, the churning flows of life and death were distant, inaccessible. Somewhere inside the ancient walls of the van an engine sputtered to life and the whole thing shook, only to come to a stop minutes later.
The door was pulled open as if by human hands but when I stepped out there was no one. The nearest glass tower was identical to the others except the door was open, the sigil 3172A6 marked in clearscript on the glass panel above. On my way to the entrance I passed through a sort of courtyard - benches on which no one had ever sat ringed around a sculpture – three arcing, unpainted pieces of metal spanned by a tensionless spring. Whatever feeling it might have held for its creator had been stripped, it stood now as a monument to nonmeaning, a warning to all who passed.
Inside, the age of the place filled my nostrils. Very little had changed inside this structure for nearly a hundred years except for the accumulation of dust as the automated filters died one by one. A low ceiling of dirty white squares, occasionally out of place revealing darkness and clutter above. Outside and in the van I had felt alone, but in here I was increasingly accompanied by some unseen presence, a group of figures walking just behind me and in the periphery, heavy, moving fast, burdened with gear – and then the feeling of a finger pressed hard into the center of my back. In this manner I was escorted through warrens of cubicle walls, snaking cables, caved in CRT monitors, all sporadically seen under distant flickering tubelights, past darkened conference rooms and up several broad staircases. It was in these kinds of places the secret work of the valley was done. While there were no longer custodians or air purifiers, the stilling remained in place. Sympathy and resonance fell dead here. Only ambition and bitterness were allowed through the seive, in dull and muted form. Nothing here could take hold or pull and so tracking became difficult, remembering a near impossibility. The walls were covered with notes, details of the most insignifigant kind. I looked down and my hands were still covered in the ink.
As we approached a glowing door I was reminded of the other reason secret work was done here. A large conference table was covered in devices shining under the blue light. Portals to oceans of madness, full of the eyes of manufacturers in the rim states. Long since banned in the valley realms and most of the rest of the coast besides, we had rendered them dysfunctional. If you tried to bring one within the walls of the palacia it would turn to ash in your hand. But in Subcontractor City, they still worked.
One entire wall was covered in a screen, all the imagery in shades of blue, the room was drowning. A dizzying succession of scenes overlapped – singers of the mountain havens, lost in their visions, faces twitching and fingers wrapped chaotically but artfully around their instruments, a spinning map of the city of Avalon and the temple of salt below, the famous scene of the General Mia Marisol smashing through the fascist barricade on the Bridge of Mateo, the subject of thousands of murals and tapestries along the coast, her column of delivery trucks converted into tanks, chariots, once even a dragon, the face of the general herself fifteen years ago and now in her exile, a diagram of the old Grapevine wall, the coats of arms of realms and familias known and unknown, all colours stripped but shades of blue.
I was so entranced by this wall of shifting images that I didn’t see the shadowed figures seated around the table. As soon as I did, the wall went dark and the white tublights in the ceiling shifted into fullness. There were twelve others in the room. I recognized the High Marengo, two of the crowns of Neomassilia, an ambassador from the collective of Joaquin as well as one of their healers and, surprisingly, the High Priestess of Citadel. As far as I knew, the rulers of Pasaedian and Citadel had not been in the same room in a generation, but clearly I didn’t know what went on in Subcontractor City.
In the center of the table was a broad area cleared of all the devices – in it’s center, an empty glass, a small jar holding a tiny sacred traveller, and a translucent pitcher filled halfway with a clear viscous fluid. Voices came from everywhere but from none of them: “we just want you to taste”
From the centers of my feet through my fingertips, the pull was a creature of pure lines within me, a burning wire bent into the shape of my core, drove me as I poured the liquid into the glass, the glass to my self – a slow process, and then slower again – the lights began to fade, as did the presence of my observors. Only the little sacred traveller remained, buzzing in their jar, until the droning of the wings became all there was of reality – my self a loose knot of vibrations held together by pure feeling, falling further apart. The spaces in between the fragments filled with petal and vine, fractal windows into possible worlds. And I could feel all those eyes in the room again, pouring through me, tracking branches, looking for patterns, faces, signs. Cloud formations over the Sea of Cortez. Marisol, a general again, older, returned from exile on the Island of Qatal. Page after page of of flowing prophetic script from the Thinkers under the rock of Morro. A vine, thick and implausible, growing on the outside of the Bubblestate, living on the glass and radiation beneath. The sign of three moons glowing deep beneath the waters of the central Pacific, their light coming up from the depths and shining through blue wave after blue wave, flooding into the room.
The table was empty except for an old coffestain and broken telephone. The wall a loop of static. The corridors and rooms had filled with a pale gray light, subcontractors sat at their terminals, eyes half closed, processing. The scratchings on the wall were no longer visible. In silence, amid a world of machines, I made my way out into the natural light. When I held up my hand to see if the ink remained, it was on fire.
V.
All these years later I still carry a vial of dust That dust
In my memory, dust waiting to fall took the form of vast rectangular structures clustured on the edges of ivers and the junctions of arteries, sparkling with hours
O it waited and waited And you know, what we called, opening the eye
For a lot of people, really just a matter of knowing what was made of dust. A matter of tasting it. Feeling it.
#freyam dreams of dust#in a walled city#jacaranda#narrative#podcast#ambient#magick#future#wtnv#Welcome to Night Vale#alice isnt dead
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