#I know effectively buying a book two different times is kinda wasteful but like

[givemebishies]

Preordered the revised ABM ebook AND the physical copy so I can actually read the ebook and but also display the physical book on my shelf to prove that I read a real book lol

[vanillacaramelhoney]

Different (9)

Pairing(s): Five Hargreeves x Reader

Summary: "Put. Her. Down."

Warnings: Uh, none??

A/N: Sorry this part took so long, I just kinda lost motivation to write for a hot second there 🥺

Masterlist

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Repetitive noises typically annoyed people if they weren't the ones making it, but as YN laid, curled up on Five's bed as he wrote on the walls, the clacking of chalk against it was the only thing keeping her sane.

It gave her something to focus on- to keep her from thinking about Eudora's death, or the danger Diego was putting himself in, or what would happen to her younger self.

Upon seeing the traumatized girl, most people would scold Five for working on equations rather than comfort her. But Five knew her, and he knew that she needed time to process everything first. And when she was in need of comfort, he would be there- even if that meant not worrying about the apocalypse for a moment.

So, she laid on top of Five's bed, curled into herself. Five stood in front of her, writing on the wall behind her.

The writing stopped, and YN's thoughts started.

"Okay, I think I've got something." She looked up at Five at the sound of the sudden intrusion of his voice. "It's tenuous but promising."

YN watched as Luther walked into the room, confusion already present on his face.

"What is all this?" he asked.

"It's a probability map."

"Probability of what?"

"Of whose death could save the world." Five tapped on the wall. "I've narrowed it down to four."

"Are you saying one of these four people causes the apocalypse?" Luther asked.

"Their death might prevent it," YN explained for Five, her voice dull and eyes closed.

The sound of clacking came back for a moment as Luther glanced down at the girl.

"I'm not following." YN let out a hum as Five jumped into the explanation.

"Time is fickle, Luther. The slightest alteration in events can lead to massively different outcomes in the time continuum. The butterfly effect." Luther nodded. "So, all I have to do is find the people with the greatest probability of impacting the timeline, wherever they may be, and kill them."

Five dropped off the bed to look through Vanya's book as Luther came around to the other side of the bed. He looked over the names.

"'Milton Green,'" he read. "So, who's he? A terrorist or something?"

"I believe he is a gardener." YN opened her eyes to look at Five.

"You can't be serious," Luther said. "Wait, this is madness, Five."

Whatever words were about to follow halted when Five placed a case on his bed. YN sat up in curiosity.

"Where'd you get that?"

"In Dad's room," Five answered, unzipping it. "I think he used it to shoot a rhinoceros."

He pulled it out, looking it over. "It's similar to the model I used at work. Nice shoulder fit and highly reliable."

"But you can't- this guy Milton is just an innocent man!"

"It's a little distasteful, but his death could save billions of people," YN told him. "Besides, he'd just end up dead anyway."

"We don't do this kind of thing," Luther criticized.

"We are not doing anything," Five corrected. "I am. And if YN wants to come, then she's allowed to join."

"I can't let you go and kill innocent people," Luther said. "No matter how many lives it saves."

"Well, good luck stopping me."

"You're not going anywhere."

With a shriek, YN was lifted off the bed by the back of her shirt collar. She was shoved out the window and left dangling from Luther's grip.

"Motherfucker!" she screamed, kicking in his grasp as fury filled her body.

Five was quick to spin around, aiming the gun at his brother.

"Put. Her. Down."

"Put the gun down- you're not killing anyone," Luther countered. "I know she's important to you, so don't make me do this. It's either her or the gun. You decide."

"You know, I'm pretty sure if you drop me, I'll survive," YN continued squirming, "but that doesn't mean I'm fine with this."

It was silent as the two stared back at each other, waiting for the other to move.

Using his strength, Luther tossed the girl. She let out an alarming screech.

Five dropped the rifle and jumped forward to grab onto her.

He quickly pulled her back into his room.

"I can keep doing this all day." Looking back, Luther stood with the gun in hand.

Ignoring him, Five fretted over YN, having her sit on his bed.

"I know you're still a good person, Five," Luther continued. "Otherwise, you wouldn't have risked it coming back here to save us all. But you're not on your own anymore."

Five looked up at Luther. "There is one way, but it's just about impossible."

"More impossible than what brought you back here?"

Looking back at YN, she sighed, knowing where this was going.

Pulling to the side of the road, Luther parked the car, and Five unbuckled his seat. YN sat in the back, more interested in looking out of the car windows.

With a sigh, Five spoke, "I never enjoyed it, you know."

"What?"

"The killing," he clarified. "I mean, I was good at my work, and I took pride in it, but it never gave me pleasure."

It fell silent for a while.

"You think they'll buy it?" Luther asked, laying an arm on the briefcase.

"Well, what we do know is that they're desperate. It's like a cop losing his gun. If the Commission finds out, they'll be in deep shit. Not to mention that they'll be stuck here until they get it back."

"I should hold onto it," Luther said. Five hummed in confusion. "In case they make a move on either of you."

"Okay, Luther, but be careful," said Five. "I mean, we've lived long lives, but you're still a young man. You got your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it."

Luther stared at his brother, confused.

"There's a car coming up," YN announced.

Sure enough, a car appeared from behind a hill on the road.

"Here we go," Five said, the three climbing out of the car. They joined each other in the middle of the road, watching the car drive past.

"You sure you want to do this?" Five whispered to YN. "I can understand if you don't. You've been through a lot."

They watched as Hazel and Cha Cha exited the car, their creepy masks covering their faces.

"I don't really have a choice," YN responded.

With a sigh, Five walked forward to meet with their tailers, YN just a step behind him.

"The masks really necessary?" Five asked.

The two pulled them off and threw them aside.

"So, where is it?" Cha Cha asked.

"Wow, that's how you're gonna start," Five sassed. "You know, we can get back in our car and call it a day."

"You won't even make it halfway there," the woman said, pulling out her gun. She pointed it at Five, and Hazel raised his to YN.

"Maybe," Five said, "but as I'm sure you found out in your previous foray, my brother is not your average giant."

"He's right," Hazel said. "You dropped a chandelier on him, got right back up."

"You hurt us, and he'll destroy your precious briefcase," YN smiled.

"Probably us, too, right?" Hazel asked. "So, how do we help each other?"

"I need you to get in contact with your superior, so we can have a chat with her," Five explained. "Face-to-face."

"About what?" Cha Cha asked.

"Why do you care?" YN asked.

The woman took a deep breath. "Just don't tell her about the briefcase."

"Fair enough."

The four parted, Cha Cha and Hazel going to a payphone, and Five and YN returning to the car and Luther.

Five settled against the car, and YN sat on the hood.

"What now?"

"Now, we wait."

YN grabbed Five's hand to fiddle with while they waited. The sound of music typical to an ice cream truck had them confused.

Five grabbed YN's hand and pulled her down to his side as they looked back.

Everyone watched in confusion as it drove down the street, music echoing.

"Is that her?" Luther asked the two beside him.

YN's eyes widened in disbelief as the truck drove by.

Klaus sat in the front seat, smiling and waving out at them. In the passenger seat was Diego.

"What the hell is he doing here?"

The truck continued, Cha Cha and Hazel raising their guns to fire at it.

Luther covered Five and YN with his body, holding his arms out.

The two watched, however, as everything came to a halt.

They peered out from behind Luther.

"What the hell?" YN muttered.

Together, they walked out from behind him to take in the scene before them.

"Neat trick, isn't it?" Turning, the Handler stood there in all her unbridled glory.

She pulled back the net veil covering her face and removed her sunglasses.

"Hello, Five, YN," she greeted. "You two look good, all things considered. And I must say, I'm very sorry for your loss, dear."

She smiled at YN, who was held back by Five from doing anything.

"Good to see you again," Five said, whispering a warning back to YN.

"Feels like we met just yesterday," the woman said. "Course, you were both a little older then. Congratulations on the age regression, by the way. Very clever. Threw us all off the scent."

"Well, I wish I could take credit," Five said. "I just miscalculated the time dilation projections and, well, you know. Here we are." He briefly held out his arms.

"You realize your efforts are futile. So, why don't you tell me what you really want?"

"We want you to put a stop to this," YN told her.

"You realize what you're asking for is next to impossible, even for me," the Handler said. "What's meant to be is meant to be. That's our raison d'etre."

YN rolled her eyes, looking off to the side, and Five pulled a gun.

"Yeah? Well, how about survival as a raison?" Five gave a mocking smile.

"I'll just be replaced. I'm but a...small cog in a machine." As she stepped closer to the two, Five kept a close eye on her. "This fantasy you've been nurturing about summoning up your family to stop the apocalypse is just that- a fantasy. I must say, though, we're all quite impressed with your initiative, your stick-to-itiveness, really quite something."

YN narrowed her eyes at the flattery.

"Which is why we want to offer both of you new positions back at the Commission in management," she told them.

"Sorry, what's that now?" Five questioned.

"Come back to work for us again," she coaxed. "It's where you belong."

"The last time we were there, things weren't going that good," YN recalled.

"But you wouldn't be in the correction division any longer," the Handler corrected her. "I'm talking about the home office. You'd have the best health and pension, and an end to this ceaseless travel. You're distinguished professionals in-" she trailed off for a second as she looked down, "-matching schoolboy shorts. We have the technology to reverse the process. I mean, you can't be happy like this."

She reached over to push Five's gun down.

"We're not looking for happy," he told her.

"We're all looking for happy," she responded. "We can make that happen. We can make you yourselves again."

Five sighed, looking to the side. "What about my family?"

"What about them?"

"I want them to survive."

The Handler looked at Luther, then at the truck where Diego and Klaus resided.

"All of them?"

"Yes, all of them."

Without a word, they watched as the woman pulled out her sunglasses and put them back on. "I'll see what I can do." She held out her hand. "Do we have a deal?"

"One thing," Five said.

He nodded toward the gun lying on the road, silently telling YN to deal with it.

As she went to it, Five messed with a bullet that headed in Luther's direction.

YN unloaded the gun, throwing both parts to the sides before returning.

The Handler held her hand out again. Grabbing YN's first, Five took hers and shook it.

They were gone with a flash, everything returning to normal.

The bullet missed Luther, Cha Cha and Hazel fell to the ground, and the truck crashed into the back of the assassins' car.

Luther frantically looked around for the missing two, calling out their names in confusion.

Looking back at the assassins, he held up the briefcase.

"Come get it!" Cha Cha came running at him but turned when it was thrown to the side.

The man ran to the truck to help his siblings. They ran back to the car as fast as they could.

They quickly climbed inside, Klaus and Diego in the back, Luther getting in the driver's seat.

They were off in seconds, leaving behind the frustrated assassins.

----Taglist

@fancytravelerbird @megasimpleplan4ever @yikes-matey @we-all-are-strange @flowertoty @rasberrymay @lilacs-lavender @margotsfandoms @nibbles7192 @colie-babi @thegirlwholikestomanythings @halparkebitch @faith-quake @aesthetically-hailey

[thinking-in-symbols]

Quinquennial Life Assessment

So, it’s been a few years.  When I was 19 I posted a sort of “roadmap” for the evolution of my life on this blog.  Today I thought I’d revisit that.  I want to take a look back and see what progress I’ve made, and then in a separate post I want to turn to the future, think about how my vision for it has changed, and consider how I can reincorporate these goals into that vision.

This is the list of things I wanted to get done in varying time frames.  I’ve crossed off the things I’ve done to get a sense of my progress:

1 year:

At 19, my hopes were to accomplish the following things by age 20:

- Joined, and consistently participated in, at least 2 campus organizations that suit my interests, at least 1 of which should be competitive in nature - well, I joined the ISO and KVRX, my college radio station!  Neither of those were competitive, but in retrospect I don’t really care about that :-)

- Made concrete plans to study abroad - Nope, unfortunately I never did this.  I’m not quite sure I regret that, all things considered - I traded that experience for other things.  I did make plans to spend a few months abroad of my own accord, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling global pandemic.  But as it stands I haven’t done this.

- Learned C++ and python to proficiency - Hm.  “Proficient” is a relative term.  But I think I have a tendency to downplay my skills, so in the interest of counteracting that I’m going to count myself as “proficient” in these languages.  I think that’s fair.

- Gone on at least a several day road trip with at least 1 friend - I’ve gone on several trips with @meeshbug​, my very lovely girlfriend and best friend in the world :-)

- Decided on a concentration beyond the extremely vague umbrella of “computer science” - Unfortunately as far as my education is concerned I never really did this.  If anything my interests have *broadened* rather than becoming more focused.  More on this later...

- Made meaningful, ongoing contributions to an open-source project - You know what?  I’ve published the source of everything I’ve ever made, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can make stuff that’s not trivial.  So I’m giving myself credit for this one.

- Learned to cook enough meals to eat in most days and not get sick of my own food - I wish.  I’ve learned to cook a fair amount of stuff but I still get way too depressed and lethargic to apply that consistently.  Whether I consider myself to have achieved this honestly depends on the month.

- Learned to keep my living area clean - I’m much better at this than I was at 19, but at 19 I could barely clear a path to walk across my room.  So there’s more work to do.  More on these last two later.

- Gotten a pet - Meesh and I have a dog named Courage (after the dog of cowardly fame) and a cat named Jax!

2 years:

- Independently written a piece of software to completion and deployed it publicly - I’ve always pretty bad at actually seeing projects through to completion, but I do have a few full, independent projects under my belt at this point.  I’ve built a simple game engine, a pathtracer, plugins for games I like, and some other stuff.

- purchased and begun regularly using some basic amateur radio equipment - Ah man.  I got my license but I still haven’t gotten any equipment.  I guess I have to get on that...

- purchased and begun experimenting with some basic music recording equipment - This one I’ve done, but I haven’t done as much experimenting as I’d like.

- hosted a party - I did this for my 21st birthday and it’s one of my favorite memories!  Honestly this was probably the last time I had all my really close friends in one place.  I’m actually getting kind of emotional about that.

- done some kind of hallucinogen - I have now done this.  I definitely did get something out of it, albeit not what I expected.  This is something I actually only did pretty recently and it’s still having a pretty profound effect.  Maybe I’ll write a separate post about this.

- Gone camping with friends - Despite my best efforts, this hasn’t happened yet.  Pretty fucked up.

3 years:

- learned to play another instrument besides the piano (guitar?) - I don’t feel comfortable crossing this one off quite yet, but I went ahead and bought myself some guitar equipment and have been messing around with it lately :-) I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay for lessons if I’m serious about this, which I am.

- Written and recorded a song - Damn, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years and I haven’t even done this.

- Met a group of people I can play music with - nope

- Owned a leather jacket.  I can’t believe I’ve still never even owned a leather jacket - I’ve done this and wore it frankly too much.  Kinda cringe.

- Worked as a professional software developer - Yep!  Worked as a software developer for a retail company for a couple years.  I’m actually not working as a software developer right now, though; I’m working in a sort of adjacent position.  More on this later.

- Participated in research related to my field - That’s pretty ambitious.  Not sure I’ll ever do this, unfortunately.  But we’ll see.

- Been to a film festival - Oh shit, I totally forgot about having written this.  That’s a cool idea.  I should do this, it’s not like it’s hard (well, at least in principle.  I guess covid kind of changes the situation).

- Gotten a dog - Courage is one of those, I think, although he might also be part rat.

- collected 50 records - Lol, my dumb ass really thought I was going to buy $1,000 worth of records on college money.  No, I haven’t done this, but I’m on my way there.

- Purchased a desktop computer - Well, my dad gave me his old desktop.  That’s not really a purchase but I think it counts.

5 years:

- Begun accepting freelance development gigs - haven’t gotten here yet and I’m not totally sure this is a direction I want to go in my career.  Freelancing has its own stressors as I’ve come to learn from others.  No career path is sunshine and roses and I’m trying to internalize this fact.

- Participated in a student film - Nope.  I don’t even know why I wrote this down to be honest.

- Gotten laid by solving a 5x5 Rubik’s Cube in front of a girl because surely that’s gonna have to work on someone eventually, otherwise I wasted a lot of time - These are getting weird.  Surely I didn’t really expect this to happen, right?  Well, either way I now have a long-term girlfriend, so I don’t - wait, Meesh has seen me solve a Rubik’s cube and she saw it before we started dating.  So actually I’m going to give myself credit for it.  I’m the one who makes the rules here.

- Fleshed out my political opinions - Yes, I now know everything about politics and can answer 100% of questions on political issues.  Just kidding.  But I know where I stand.

- Participated in a protest or some other kind of political event - Done!  Went to a few protests as part of the ISO, participated in lots of their events, and attended some protests with friends as well.

- Studied abroad - Nope :-/

- Learned a language other than Spanish - I took a semester of French!  But I don’t quite want to give myself credit for this one because I really would like to learn a different language to something resembling fluency.

- Run a marathon - Lmao.  I am in much worse shape now than I was when I wrote this post, and even at that time I could probably do like 7 miles if I really pushed myself.  How sad.

- Gone hiking outside of texas - This is weird because I’d literally already done this when I wrote this post.  But I’ve done it more since then, so hey!

- Been out of the country with a friend - This I had also already done.  I guess the point is to have done it without “adult supervision” or whatever.  I haven’t done this since writing this list so I guess I have to leave it uncrossed.

10 years:

- Lived with a girl for an extended period of time - Meesh 🥰

- Spent at least 6 months living on the road in an RV, preferably with a dog and a girl - God, I am so close to being able to do this.  I don’t want it to be an RV anymore - those things are expensive.  But a van?  Still pricey, but doable, especially if I’m willing to sacrifice some comfort.  This has actually been front-of-mind for a while.  I’ll let you know when I get the balls to pull the trigger.

- Started making Real Money - Well, yep, I have gotten to that point.  I do have other thoughts on this, though.  Money is weird, man.

- Lived in a long-term living space outside of Texas (i.e. not including RV time) - How long is long-term?  Three months?  If so, I’ve done this by living in Boston with Meesh for a few months after she went there for law school.  However, I anticipate staying there much longer in the near future, so I’ll wait on this crossing this one off.

- Written a book about something, idk - Not yet.  I’m halfway to the deadline on this one and I have some ideas, but ideas aren’t worth all that much, especially to me, who rarely sees them through.  We’ll see where this goes.  It’s not exactly a priority and historically I struggle to get even my priorities done.  It might make more sense to replace this with recording a concept or narrative album, for which I also have ideas that I happen to take more seriously.

- Learned to solve a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Gotten laid by solving a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Lived in an apartment where I pay all the rent - Yes!  :-))) We love independence

- Earned an advanced degree (this one’s iffy) - This hasn’t happened, and whether it will ever happen is something I’ve been thinking a lot about.  I sort of decided half-way through college that I would be totally burned out on school by the time I graduated.  But in retrospect it takes way less time to burn out on work than it does to burn out on school, and grad degrees are a different kind of thing.  So it’s worth revisiting.’

- Given a best man speech (Sam, this means you have to get married within the next 10 years.  Good luck out there.) - Holy shit, Sam, you maniac, you actually did it!  Sam got married back in 2019 and I gave his best man speech! It’s another one of my favorite memories :-) 

- Gone on a cruise with someone I’m dating - Hmm, not yet.  I’ve gone on cool trips, but none on a boat.  Maybe that’s something to aim for after the pandemic passes :-)

Retrospective:

1yr: Completed: 5/9

More than half isn’t bad!  I’m not gonna worry too much about whether I got these things done within their assigned “time-frame”.  I’m a procrastinator in my heart and I don’t see any reason to put that kind of pressure on myself.  The point is, they got done.  That’s enough for me.

The things I did best in in this category were academic things, and things to do with relationships.  I’m proud of the academic achievements, I really feel like doing them has increased my belief in myself and my sense that I’m good at the thing I’ve spent the last four years studying.  And of course, I am so happy to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship that brings so many good things into my life.  I almost feel like the things I accomplished sort of fell into my lap - of course I’m gonna do programming stuff as a programming student, and getting pets / going on road trips are things I did as a result of my relationship with Meesh.  I don’t say that to downplay the accomplishments, but I do think it’s worth noting.

The things I haven’t done are more to do with personal development, which is disappointing.  I would like to be able to say, 5 years down the road, that I’ve done the personal development I expected to do in just a single year, but maybe that’s a lot to expect.  These are problems I’ve dealt with my whole life.  I think what this means is that I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap.  Those things are going to take real concerted effort to change.  I’m not quite sure how to go about that, though.

2yrs: Completed: 4/6

Two-thirds!  Even better!

Lots of these are one-time accomplishments, not so much long-term commitments to personal development.  The good news is, I did them, and I think those resulted in some development in their own right :-)

Again, though, the things I didn’t do so well are the things that require long-term, concerted effort.  For instance, while I crossed off the one about experimenting with music, it’s really only the initial investment that I’ve really done at this point.  It remains to be seen whether I’ll be able to follow through on the commitment to actually experiment and learn.

3yrs: Completed: 4/10

This category also follows the same pattern I’ve noticed with the last two.  The other thing I’m noticing is that so, so much of my effort over the past few years has been going towards developing a very particular skill: programming / computer science.  Music and art are so important to me, but I’ve done very little real development in those areas.  I mean, I’ve done some.  But not as much as I would have hoped for half a decade.

5yrs: Completed: 4/10

This is getting a little more fun because less of my goals have to do explicitly with my degree.  I’m starting to think beyond college, which is good, because the stage of life I’m in right now requires me to start thinking about the kind of life I want to build now that I’m done with school.  Also, I’m at the deadline for this one right now!  So this is a particularly interesting category because it really shows where I thought I’d be by this time.

The goals I accomplished in this timeframe are, again, mostly things I’ve done through my relationship, but politics also feature pretty prominently on this part of the list.  I spent a lot of time reading and researching political issues during college and really did look for ways to participate.  I honestly made politics a pretty big part of my identity over the last 5 years, and I think it will stay that way forever, but I’ve gotten to the point where I think I need to devote less of my mental energy to knowing more.  I know what I need to know.  It’s time to think about other things.

10yrs: Completed: 4/11 (and counting!)

There’s some career stuff in this section that I’ve been able to do, which is good news.  I’ve always been scared about entering the working world.  All things told, it’s gone more smoothly than it could have.  But I also have lots of lingering doubts about what I want to do in the long term.  So one of the most pressing goals I should aim for is to resolve those doubts.

Ultimately, I have a lot of time left, and I’m not even done with this time frame, so I’m not gonna spend much time dissecting the things I haven’t done.  What I’ll do instead is say that while I didn’t do everything on this list, I feel proud of the things I have accomplished.  I said when I first wrote this list that it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my life is moving in any particular direction, and I’m still feeling like that five years later, to be honest.  But looking back on these things has helped me see that I actually am making progress in my life.  Not in all the ways I want to, but that’s OK.  There’s still time.

In the next couple days I want to come back to this and reorganize this list into an updated set of goals, for the same time frames.  Maybe that will help me think through exactly what it is I want out of the next five-ten years, with the benefit of having analyzed the things that I did and didn’t do well over the previous five.

[doctor243]

The Girl Who Cried Wolf Chapter 9

Firstly, I'm so sorry it took me so long to update, the world has been kinda out of whack. But seriously, thank you to everyone who has been messaging me and commenting and checking in on me. It means the world to me and it motivates me to get off my ass and write. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Summary: 5 times MJ says ‘I love you’ and 1 time Peter says it back.

Characters: Michelle Jones, Peter Parker, May Parker, Ned Leeds

AO3

Fuck. “No.”

“Oh come on, this is gonna be awesome!” Ned laughed, holding up a pamphlet. “Queesnborough Community College Art Show,” he read, but MJ already knew what was written. “Listed artists: Michelle Jones. Yeah, we’re totally going.” Fuck.

“No,” she repeated, threatening his cunning smile with her cold stare. “You’re not.”

“How’d you even get a spot at the art show anyways?” Peter asked through a mouthful of sandwich, and she desperately wanted to pin his lips shut. “I thought they were only showcasing their own students.” Double fuck.

“I am one of their students,” she sighed reluctantly, pointedly staring at her book and avoiding all eye contact. Why couldn’t they just leave it alone? Showing her art to random strangers was one thing – she’d never have to see them again. But her friends? She wasn’t ready for that. “I’ve been taking classes with them part time.” She popped another French fry into her mouth before turning the page on Goodnight Mister Tom. Art was a revelation of the soul, and she didn’t know if she wanted her two friends to see that yet.

“WHAT?” she heard Ned cry out, oblivious to her inner turmoil.

“Oh we’re so going to this show,” Peter piped up.

The conversation immediately descended into chaos as her best (only) friends started yelling about injustices at the same time. It was difficult to keep track of what both of them were saying, so MJ just shut her book with a thud and looked up, effectively silencing them. “No,” she spoke.

“Okay, okay,” Ned laughed. “We won’t go.” She believed him.

“Oh, we’re totally going,” Peter argued, and unfortunately, she believed him too. Triple fuck.

“In fact,” he continued, as only he would dare. “We have to get the flashiest brightest suits we can find to pretend like we’re important art buyers-”

“Art collectors,” MJ interrupted in frustration.

“-you know what I meant-”

“And art collectors don’t necessarily wear flashy loud suits to art shows.” Please just shut up and don’t come.

“Still gonna do it,” he grinned deviously. Fuck.

“The art pieces aren’t even for sale,” she made a final attempt at resistance. “It’s just an exhibition to showcase the school’s students!”

“Still. Gonna. Do. It.” Damn you, Peter Parker, and that goddamn grin that makes my heart do funny things.

She sighed and pinched her eyebrows. “I’m gonna be so embarrassed,” she grit out. She ignored the flop that her heart did at the sound of Peter’s triumphant whoop. Fuck.

 ::::::

MJ plastered a smile on her face at the polite visitors who spared her work a glance. Behind her back, her fingers were nervously finding new ways to imitate spaghetti, and she held her breath in hopes that one would just stop and look carefully. Artists were, after all, contradictory in that manner. They desperately wanted someone to look at their soul on the canvas and understand them, but the chance was so small that they often dared not reveal the art. Please look at my art, they often cried out inwardly. Even though I’m afraid to show it to you.

Where the hell is Peter? She thought furiously, glaring at her watch that read 9 o’clock. Again, another contradiction. She had dreaded his presence at the expo, but now that it seemed he wouldn’t show, MJ felt the disappointment pooling in her gut.

She watched University recruiters and photographers talking to a few of her classmates, and others with their families, smiling and taking selfies with their works. Taking a deep breath, she looked at her watch again, albeit almost in vain. 9:10. There was 20 minutes left, so he probably wasn’t coming after all.

Her neighbours started taking down their canvases, and she saw Professor Latham helping some students clear up. Well, this was an absolute waste of everyone’s time. An evening down the drain. MJ sniffed softly as she felt her eyes sting from the warning of tears. Don’t cry. Not now.

“Aha! There she is! MJ!”

Her breath hitched and she dared herself to hope again. She turned around.

“Peter?” She whispered, almost in disbelief.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” he finally stopped, looking up to catch his breath. “There was a huge thing with the police and a baby and-” she could barely hear him over the thumping of her heart, but she assumed it was Spider-Man business. “Ah I’ll explain it to you another time.” You’d better.

“You came,” she tried to hold back her smile, but it turned into a sort of grimace.

“Of course we came!” He replied excitedly. “We came to see amazing art!”

Wait. Hold up a minute. “We?” MJ wondered out loud. Did Ned come too?

“Hey MJ.”

She spun around again to see the epitome of motherly love beaming at her with pride. “Aunt May,” She breathed. “You came too.”

“Of course, sweetie!” May laughed. “This is important to you right?”

“Well…I mean…Um…” she struggled out a stutter.

“Oh hush,” the older woman pulled her into a hug, and MJ would never admit it, but she always yearned for an Aunt May Hug. “We’re all really proud of you. Now why don’t you start showing off to us?”

“Ok,” she mumbled, eyes stinging even more than before, but her heart infinitely warmer.

She turned to explain a few of her paintings, but Peter was already staring intently at them.

“Holy crap you did oil paintings?!” He whistled. “This cannot be cheap.”

“Yeah I-” How do you know that?

“Dang, these are pretty amazing! Aunt May! Look, it’s Queens! You could see our apartment from here!”

“It’s not-” It is. That’s exactly what I was trying to get.

“How did you get such detail with oils? I just make a messy blur and call it interpretive art.”

“You-” You are overwhelming me with these compliments.

“And this one’s Midtown! You even painted the school?? I thought you hated school!”

“I-” I did, but now I love it because I get to see my favourite people every day. And my favourite person.

May placed a gentle hand over Peter’s mouth. “Let the poor girl talk, you’re overwhelming her.”

MJ just stared at the corner of the Midtown portrait and struggled to regulate her breathing. Be still, my heart, she scolded herself. One, two, three, four…

“Excuse me, sir, ma’am.” Oh good, Professor Chang.

Peter and May turned to regard her teacher. “The exhibition will be closing in 5 minutes. Can I help you with anything before we close?”

“Yeah!” Peter chirped up, the wonderful idiot that he was. “Is purchase of these art pieces allowed?”

Professor Chang smiled again, and was that a wink? “Purchase of the art pieces are between you and the artist,” she replied. Oh no, Professor Chang. “The purpose of this exhibition isn’t for the sale of art, but if the artist agrees, who are we to hinder their budding career?” MJ wished that the ground would open up and swallow her whole. Now she had to go over to the Parker’s residence and see her own work permanently? Talk about being mortified.

“Now, wait just a minut-” she tried to protest weakly, but for the second time that day, to no avail.

“Aunt May! Can we buy one please?” Peter interrupted, eyes shining.

“Okay, Peter,” she smiled. “Just one though, ok?” She warned. Was she allowing Peter to buy candy?

“Peter, you can’t,” MJ protested weakly. “These aren’t any good.”

“What’re you talking about?” He laughed. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re the best artist in this entire gallery!”

“I’m just a high school kid in a college exhibition,” she mumbled.

“And that’s what makes you amazing,” he replied, and she could tell that he meant every word. He turned around to choose while Michelle quietly struggled to process the sudden influx of emotions.

“This one. I want this one. How much d’ya want for it, Ms Jones?” He teased. She looked up and smiled weakly. Of course he’d choose that one. The New York skyline that she’d painted from her rooftop. From there, she could see Peter’s apartment building, and sometimes, she’d wonder if he could see hers too. The sun was setting, and she’d tried her best to incorporate every colour that had been present, but her oil paints were limited, and the sky was just too beautiful to be captured. Too free and wild to be held still in the four walls of a canvas frame. Too beautiful for one to do it justice. Just like the little spider in front of her.

“Nothing.”

The word popped out of her mouth before she could shut it, and she hugged him before her mind could deny her body. Here goes nothing. “Because I love you,” she whispered. She felt his body stiffen and she and immediately regretted her words. He didn’t speak for five seconds, and that was five seconds too many. Her throat seized up and her heart dropped. The buzzing in her gut turned into a scream and she squeezed her eyes shut.

Abort mission. She pulled away and flicked him on the forehead.

“I’m kidding, loser,” she smirked, even as her chest ached and the colours on the canvas looked sadder than they had before. “It’ll be 50 bucks. Do you have any idea how expensive oil paints are?”

“Yeah, I do,” Peter replied, clearly a little nervous. “Good thing I asked Mr Stark for some cash before coming here.”

“In that case, it’ll be 70.”

“Hey!” he gasped in mock offence, but she’d already hopped forward and given May a big hug.

“I love you, Aunt May,” she said, distinctively more audibly. And she meant it. Peter didn’t love her that way, so it was better if she didn’t give him any ideas that she did. The truth didn’t matter, as long as he was happy.

“Aww honey!” cooed May. “I love you too!” and while the words comforted her, she’d have preferred to hear them in a different voice.

Previous Chapter: Here

Next Chapter: Coming Soon!!!

Masterlist: Here

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[calamity-bean]

the angry prince of goofs

I’ve been thinking about Ziggy Sobotka, which was probably my first mistake, and especially about one little detail that’s demonstrated repeatedly but not really explored in depth: Ziggy is good with technology. 

Better than most of the characters in his orbit, at any rate; he understands computers, understands the internet, has to explain digital cameras and search engines to Nick, who still seems confused. And while, even for 2003, I wouldn’t claim he’s a technical genius, this detail stands out to me partly because it’s one area in which he’s expressly shown to be more capable than his cousin — typically the far more competent of the pair — and partly because he tends to get written off, both in-universe and out, as, well... an idiot. A stupid guy who does stupid things simply because he’s stupid, with no greater character depth or complexity than that.

And that... kinda irks me! Look, I get why Ziggy’s not exactly a fan favorite. He’s not cool. He’s not a badass. He’s immature and abrasive and makes a lot of frustrating decisions, and I get why so many viewers find that annoying, I really do. But although he can certainly be a dumbass, I’m honestly not convinced that he’s dumb, and I think it does a disservice to the writing of the season and to James Ransone’s performance (easily among his best work, imo, out of the roles I’ve seen him in) to boil Zig down to just a clueless annoyance with no regard for why he acts the way he does or his value to the overall narrative.

So I’ve been thinking about Ziggy Sobotka, and types of intelligence, and finding one’s place in the world, and how Ziggy’s character arc relates to The Wire’s overarching theme of a changing city at the dawn of the new millennium.

Twice, over the course of the season, Ziggy’s mentioned in connection with college.

The first time is in 2.06, as Frank chews him out about literally burning money at the bar — definitely one of those moments that baffles and enrages viewers, cause oh my GOD, Zig, Nick goes to all that trouble for you, and then you burn a hundred dollar bill? What the heck, man. But I love this scene with Frank. It’s Ziggy at his most subdued and collected; it’s one of maybe two substantial conversations between father and son all season; and it reveals that Ziggy is capable of being far more observant than he often seems. Frank, frustrated with the lack of employment available for Ziggy, vents, “Maybe if I’d have listened to your mother, cause she’s the one always talking about you should do the community college, like your brother.” Why would Frank let one son continue his education, but not the other? Well, I have to read between the lines here, but I don’t think it’s outlandish to guess that it’s because Ziggy is — or was supposed to be — Frank’s heir. We know he’s Frank’s firstborn, and we know that for Frank, working on the docks is more than an occupation; it’s a cherished family legacy going back generations and a huge point of pride. Ziggy was probably always earmarked to follow in his father’s footsteps, and he probably always knew it. “You wanna know what I remember?” he says, and describes the education he did receive: a life spent paying careful attention to his father’s world. “Everything. Everything.” College just was not a necessary part of the life planned for him.

But there’s absolutely no future on the docks for Ziggy, and by this point, father and son both know it. It’s a rapidly dying profession with scarce shifts available for L-series juniors, so maybe it’s no surprise Zig puts a lot more effort into being a thief and drug dealer than he does into being a checker. Unfortunately, despite seeming fairly adept in logical-mathematical intelligence (technical knowledge, facts/figures, coming up with plans), Ziggy fumbles in all these pursuits because of one type of intelligence that he definitely does lack: interpersonal/social skills — i.e., the ability to read a room and to play well with others. He constantly annoys people, never realizes he’s being tricked until it’s too late, and lets emotion get the better of him, leading him to be irresponsible and impulsive and seek instant gratification. This is, again, in contrast to Nick, who is much less tech savvy than Zig but far more personable and reliable. People like Nick. They trust Nick. Even Frank seems to have a closer relationship with his nephew than with his own son.

And this feeds into a critical difference between Nick and Ziggy. Nick, with Aimee and Ashley to support, is primarily motivated by a need for money; Ziggy, on the other hand, cares less and less about money as the season progresses and is primarily motivated by a desire for something Nick already has: respect. More broadly, Zig craves the validation of others, whether that validation comes to him as respect or approval or even just attention. This, more than immaturity and definitely more than a simple lack of intelligence, is what drives his behavior, including his most reckless or seemingly inexplicable acts. In some circumstances, it inspires him to act like a tough guy; in others, it manifests in childish clownery like whipping out Pretty Boy or waltzing around with a seeing-eye duck, as though he were a comedian playing to a crowd. It’s why he wastes his money on showy status symbols, like Princess and a $2,000 coat, or on buying rounds for the bar. And of course, it manifests in trying to show up his father, who seems to have plenty of time and money for all the other stevedores and yet, by his own admission, pays scant attention to his own son except when Zig screws up... which, needless to say, Zig has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about.

The irony, of course, is that the harder Ziggy tries to impress people, the less it works. His attempts to act tough get him trounced. The other stevedores are happy to let him buy drinks and play class clown, but they are very much laughing at him rather than with him, and the same guys who egg him on and flatter him always turn right around and scoff at what a fool he is after it blows up in his face. His biggest attempt to prove himself is the car heist... which actually goes off without a hitch! Like I said, Zig’s not bad at logistical planning; he comes up with a clever scheme and carries it out successfully. It should’ve been a triumph for him — proving that he could handle himself, that he didn’t need Nick or Frank looking out for him and deserved to be treated like a valid player in the game. But Glekas, like everyone else, saw Ziggy as easy to take advantage of and too weak to effectively retaliate. If it were earlier in the season, he’d have been right, just like every other time Zig wound up tricked and humiliated. Unfortunately for everyone involved, though, by that point, Ziggy — impulsive, hotblooded Ziggy — was “tired of being the punchline to every joke.”

The Wire: Truth Be Told (which I haven’t gotten to read beyond previews) calls Ziggy the “angry prince of goofs.” I think that, more than anything, Ziggy is someone who keeps trying on different costumes and never finds one that fits. He was supposed to carry on the Sobotka stevedore legacy, but the profession is dying, and even if it weren’t, Nick is far more an heir apparent to Frank than Ziggy is. So he tries to be a tough guy, but isn’t; tries to be the sort of cool, funny guy people like and admire, but can’t; tries to prove himself as a player, but makes mistake after mistake until he screws up so horribly that there’s no coming back from it. When Frank tells him that what he did to Glekas and the store clerk isn’t him, Ziggy replies incredulously, “It ain’t?” — because it is him, he did that! But he’s not suited to being a killer, either; he immediately falls apart with horror and remorse. So what is he? Who is he? Was there anything he could have succeeded at, any way he could’ve made better choices than he did?

In 2.10, shortly after Ziggy’s arrest, we meet Priscilla Katlow — the same girl listed on the fake paternity papers Zig gets pranked with in 2.07. In the earlier episode, Nick implies that Prissy is, to be crass, kind of the neighborhood bicycle, making it sound like she was nothing more to Zig than a one-night stand. I have a lot of feelings about the fact that it turns out she’s actually a childhood friend who’s visibly in tears over Ziggy’s situation when she finds Nick grieving on the playground of their old school. They’re maybe the only two characters we see who seem to not only care about Ziggy but genuinely like him, and they reminisce about a time, years ago, when he was supposed to buy them all some SoCo and Pikesville Rye. Instead, he bought Boone’s Farm — because, he claimed, “that’s what the college kids drank.” Then, while drinking it on that same playground, he shouted, “College kids ain’t shit!” And I know I’m really galaxy-braining here, really reading a lot into just a few lines, but I can’t help but wonder, like… This seems to have taken place toward the end of high school, since Prissy was driving her mom’s car and Ziggy could pull off a fake ID. Ziggy probably already knew that he was bound for the docks right after graduation, if he wasn’t working there already; Frank wasn’t even entertaining Zig’s mother’s wish that they send him to college instead. And I wonder if, to some extent, Zig resented that? Or resented not having a choice? Because this anecdote implies a mixture of wanting to emulate those college kids (drinking what he thinks they drink) while simultaneously deriding them — perhaps because he knew that he couldn’t be one, no matter whether or not he wanted to, and therefore had to act like the entire concept was beneath him.

I don’t know whether Zig would’ve done better in college anyway. I think that, contrary to popular opinion, he did have his own areas of intelligence and competence, but despite being in some ways the more “book smart” of the Sobotka cousins (Ziggy’s technical knowledge vs. Nick’s common sense), maybe he’d have been too immature to put in the work for school, too lazy or too proud to try. But I just wonder if he might’ve had a better chance at life that way, both in terms of staying out of trouble and of possibly finding a field that would’ve better rewarded his skill-set. Insofar as The Wire in general is about the changing face of Baltimore and how the shifting infrastructure of the city impacts the individuals within it (particularly the economically marginalized), and insofar as season 2 specifically is about the death of American industry and of the traditional blue-collar working class, Ziggy is an exploration of someone who fell through the cracks of that shift and, in that respect, was sort of doomed to failure from the beginning. James Ransone has described him as “very castrated” in terms of his power and potential for social mobility, the game being rigged against working-class people like him even with the advantages of being a white male. Ziggy’s brother, armed with a college education, might fare better in the 21st-century workforce... But even if Zig hadn’t ended up in prison, he probably wouldn’t have lasted much longer in the family business anyway. Johnny Fifty, a more senior checker, is homeless by season 5, and unemployment is the implied fate of nearly all longshoremen in the near future.

And honestly? Although I really like Ziggy, I appreciate that he’s a failure. I think one of the reasons I do feel so deeply for him is that the narrative never rewards his errors or glorifies his misdeeds. If it did, he’d risk coming off as one of those edgy, disenfranchised white guy antihero types, and I doubt I’d have found that nearly as sympathetic or interesting. By the standards of The Wire, Zig’s relatively small-time in terms of how much damage he causes and pretty notable for how extremely he regrets what harm he does do, but that still doesn’t excuse his actions, and the narrative doesn’t pretend that it should. Nor does it pretend that he’s not also worthy of our interest and pathos anyway.

Ziggy Sobotka is not cool. He’s not a badass. He’s not any of the things he tried to be during the season, and he’ll probably never get a chance, now, to be anything other than a murderer locked up for life. And I know he wasn’t entitled to any fate other than the one he earned for himself, but I wish he’d been able to find a better path.

[ticktickblog]

Minimalism: How I Finally Found the True Beauty of Living with Less

A couple of months ago, I saw a TV series called Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, where a Japanese lady Konmari visited families to help them tidy their homes. The tiding process normally starts from clothes, books to sentimental items. A rule she’s given is only keeping what’s necessary and discarding those that don’t spark joy anymore. The basic concept embedded in the Konmari method is actually similar to minimalism.

Minimalism is about living with less. This not only means getting rid of extra material possessions, like what they did in that TV series, but also includes reducing mental burdens, and decluttering other aspects of life, e.g. digital life. It’s a less-is-more mindset that gets you to reflect on the current state of your life and identify what is truly valuable. With a minimalist lifestyle, people can sort their life well to enjoy more peace and freedom.

Getting rid of excessive material possessions

Among all aspects of minimal living, what we could easily start with is probably the personal belongings. I know this may still sound like a big project, but here’s what I did:

Observing

The first thing I did was to examine how much stuff I actually own, and I started with clothing. I pulled over all my clothes from several wardrobes and piled them together, which was really appalling, especially seeing hills and hills of clothes and some were years ago but still with the label on. I came to realize that I was kinda a semi shopaholic that I never thought I was.

Decluttering

Then it comes to the decluttering. I had to decide what to keep and what to toss. Considering some clothes are still quite new, I spare another choice for donation. It was quite a struggle to decide which item should go, but I asked myself two main questions:

Functionality: is it still functional/wearable?

Sentimental value: is it something meaningful/makes me happy?

It became easier with these two standards. For example,

Pieces bought out of pure impulse: donate.

Sweater my grandma knitted for me: stay.

T-shirts with holes: go.

Same type of dress: keep the best, ditch the rest.

Trousers I haven’t worn for the last year: go/donate.

Tip: One thing I learned from Konmari was the thank-you ritual. Thank the item for its sweet company before letting it go. This can help reduce your inner guilt when throwing things away.

Organizing

What was also suggested by Marie Kondo was organizing stuff by category instead of by location.This simply means storing the same type of items together, rather than letting them scatter in multiple places. For example, all towels go to one box, and all T-shirts should be collected in the same drawer, sorted by colors if you’d like. This helps when I need to quickly search for something, and also gives me a clear idea of the number of same items I own, which then can prevent me from buying more than I actually need.

Maintaining

To maintain the cleared-out momentum, regularly check if anything becomes excessive or nonfunctional. Also, always ask yourself the hard question — Do I really need it?/Do I already have it? — before you fall prey to consumerism that encourages you to buy excessively. Some minimalists stick strictly to the “one-in-one-out” principle, which means when they add something new, another stuff they already had should go. I haven’t tried this, it might be effective, but also be careful that it can lead to a simple replacement too.

Cleaning up digital clutters

Compared with visible substances in real life, what burdens us in the digital world is perhaps much harder to be noticed. A quick self-check can be: unlocking your phone and counting how many installed apps there are, or go to the photo album, and see the number of photos stored in it. In my case: 187 apps and 19220 photos. Amazing.

I decided to start the purge from those little cute apps. First I created different folders to sort them out by category. Interestingly, I realized I’ve downloaded 14 apps of a single type — photography and editing. Never knew I had a true passion for that. To downsize it, something particularly useful was: keeping the multi-functional apps because these are the ones I use most, just like TickTick, an all-in-one productivity app. Then the others are just a waste of storage. Also, let go of those barely used, for me the recipe apps, because I seldom cook, and also the recruitment apps, which were only used when I needed to look for a job. When finishing the decluttering process, the size of apps on my phone was shrunk largely to nearly ⅓ of the past.

The same process then went with my photo album, which was downsized to about 6k from 20k, after all the meaningless screenshots and repetitive selfies were deleted, and all trip photos were moved into cloud drive. This could further extend to messages or emails, if those are the severely-hit areas in your case. God bless.

I literally felt my phone was thinner after the whole process. Try it.

Reducing the amount of information I’m exposed to every day was what I did next. I’ve tried more radical way like cutting my phone completely out of daily life for 3 days in a row. It felt terrible honestly, and I used it for more hours as a payback once I got it back. A common misconception there of minimalism might be the elimination, but I think the difference is minimalism is not telling you to avoid something forever, it’s always about striking a balance between your desires and capacity.

Therefore, I’m enjoying my digital life, but I’m also trying to weighing it against my capacity of information that I can take in. Articles with exaggerated titles but cheesy contents needed to go first; numbers of newsletters subscribed should be restricted; time spent on TV series was limited; scrolling on social media posts was also reduced; notifications from apps were minimized… so on an so forth.

Reducing mental burdens

Lastly I’d like to talk a little about the effects of minimalism on mental world.

Also take myself as an example, I used to be addicted to expanding my social network, because I’ve long been educated: one more friend, one more road. Therefore, I took very good care of my social media accounts like they were just many MEs living on the internet. However, the larger my network size is, the more exhausted I feel. The more I care about how many likes I get for a new insta post, the more anxious I get.

Then I just realized putting so much effort into building social personas and expanding so-called friendships did nothing good, but added on my mental burdens. Why not spending more time for myself, and people I really love and care about? Understanding the truth of quality over quantity, I decided to:

Unfollow people I met on a party but never talked in life since then.

Delete those using me as a “problem-solving machine” but nothing else.

Delete those who barely contacted me unless they became sales.

Let go of those in close relationships but ghosted for whatever reasons.

Share what I’d really like to share instead of what my online friends like.

After doing that, I felt so much more relieved than before, because I finally understood that my time and energy is the very limited resources I have in life and thus not everyone around me is worth it. I truly get the meaning of living with less: spending less time on the unnecessary and what consumes you endlessly, but more on what you really need and what brings you joy.

Talking all above, you might feel inspired and would also like to try the minimalist lifestyle. But before you go, I’d like to kindly remind you of three gimmicks of minimalism I’ve spotted:

It’s not a disposal competition. Focusing only on the number of stuff you’ve tossed or people moved from your contact is not what really matters. And there isn’t a rule saying the less, the better.

It’s not a promotion of expensive brands with minimal designs. Some products brand themselves with minimalism, making it a new aesthetics standard with normally a not-so-affordable price. How ironic.

Make conscious decisions when ditching something, or else you may find yourself end up in a replacement cycle that causes extra expenditure.

In a nutshell, minimalism is a way of life and a way of thinking. It encourages us to focus more on what’s truly important in life and avoid other distractions; it becomes an antidote that saves us from drowning in numerous goods and boomed information; it helps reduce mental loads and spare some room for inner happiness.

So thank minimalism, go and enjoy life!

[koszmar-zycie]

All of the fun, random questions! Do it!

Oh lawdy! To quote Ace Ventura: “Aaaaaalrighty, then!” - Apologies for the janky post, since I can’t space them without the site making the numbers all screwy.

Do you have any “yeah I’m good at it but I hate it” kind of skills? - hmmmm. To be honest, leading. If you buy into horoscopes, I’m a Dragon. And maybe it’s natural, maybe it’s theatre experience. But when I apply myself as a leader, I do AMAZING. The issue is that I generally like to be a support. Sometimes I like leading, but usually I’m not into the idea of being this focus or figurehead guiding the way as the leader. Whether projects or even fun, I tend to fall into a like... intermediate leadership role at best. 

If you could make one type of food cease to exist, what would you banish? - To be honest, I can’t do that. Even foods I’m not fond of are foods, and I would be remised if I were to remove any.  

You’re allowed to know everything about one highly specific thing/topic. What would you choose? - Deep sea thermal based biology. The deep sea is my 100% very favorite place on Earth. If I die and there’s an afterlife, I want endless ocean of all kinds. If I’m reincarnated, I want to be a Dragonfish or something. At any rate, I would do anything to have such a wealth of knowledge. Especially about something as fascinating to me as the ins and out of how the deep sea creatures that survive and thrive around the *extreme* heat and pressure of the vents. 

What’s a fictional character who you want to be like? In what way do you want to be like them? - I would love to be like Nathan Ford from Leverage. I want to be able to live my life as freely and wildly as he (though maybe not as illegally lol), and also pursue what I feel is right for me. Live through and persevere through hardship as well as he, even if he struggled.

If you had to live in and not leave a city for the rest of your life, what city would you choose? - That would be a VERY hard call between Avalon on Catalina Island USA, or Sedona, Arizona. While Sedona overall has more of what I love, Avalon has the sea. And I’d probably die without my ocean. 

Do you tend to say what you’re thinking? What would people think of you if you did the opposite?  - Usually, yes. But in a careful way. It WILL happen periodically, because I’m also an emotional hunk of waste. But in general I do a decent enough job of being honest without being harsh about it. When I’m provoked or something really gets to me, then I can just vent without thinking.

Is there anything that you’ve done/experienced so much you hate it now? Easiest to come up with are like, food or music. - Hmmm. Not really. Halloween got SEVERELY killed for me, though. I still like it, but Haunt people are by and large the most obnoxious and hypocritical. Since I adore haunt, I HAVE to deal with them. Hatred for Christmas and other holidays while spouting about Halloween has drained my interest in Halloween. So yes an no, because that’s really OTHER people killing it for me. But I’m also sort of involved because of my love of the haunt business.

Were you afraid of anything “silly”/irrational as a child that you’ve since outgrown? - Deep water. As a kid I HATED the deep end of pools. Now I’m obsessed with deep water and the dark, unknown, crushing depths. Funny how things work out! I used to hate going near the slope in a pool if it was even a little dark (lighted pools were fine). Now, the only thing stopping me from just continuing to swim down if I go diving is my tank limits.

If you were to impart one moral lesson (think Aesop’s fables, Golden Rule, etc) on the world, what would it be? - Treat others as you wish to be treated. It’s SO easy to say, and yet nobody does it. 

If you were a DND character or a game character (or something like that) what would your highest stat be? What would you want your highest stat to be? What about the lowest, to both of those? - HA. I think about this way too much. I’d be a sea elf druid. STR 10 INT 12 CHA 16 DEX 12 END 18 WIS 18 - If I were to apply myself logically as an analog of myself, I’d have good durability and understanding and social capability (again, in specific regards), but my outward strength and dex would be kinda average. I like to think that I’m decently intelligent, as I LOVE books, learning, and figuring things out. But I’m also far from genius. Hence my focus on Wisdom. I’m also surprisingly dexterous, but in certain circumstances more than others, so that’s also pretty average. I don’t think I’ve really have any “bad” stats, but I’d definitely mix average with a couple high ones.

Is there anything you judge others for when you probably shouldn’t? - Probably. I have a huge mistake of expecting others to be courteous and offer a common decency/open perspective on things.

Who are “your kind” of people? - Goths and hippies, my friend. If you want to know my style? Goth Druid. lol 

If you had to come up with your last words right now… what would they be? - “Don’t regret not accomplishing what you set out to accomplish. Regret having not tried. I do not regret trying, even if I did not succeed.”

Do you have any “weirdly strong” opinions about things that don’t really matter? - This is VERY obscure (I have others, but it’s late and this came to mind first) But if you play Fate Grand Order.... SET YOUR GOD DAMNED SUPPORTS.

Your goal is to completely confuse the people around you in as short a time as possible– what do you say/do? - Honestly, just start quoting Lorne from Season 5 of Angel. Or act like a Malkavian. One of my VTM characters was a Malkavian who got in a fight with a parachute he had. Her name was Kitten.

What’s the most comfy place you’ve been in? - I don’t know, actually. Maybe the Luxe Hotel in LA during Anime Expo?

Did you have any “silly” beliefs as a kid? Where did they come from (parents, friends, out of nowhere, etc)? - Not that I know of. At least in terms of anything that’d have changed or something. I’m sure there’s Something, but I honestly can’t dig anything up in my memories.

If you were to add or remove one physical feature to yourself… what would it be? Can be from animals, can be from imagination… whatever. - Hahaha, I ALWAYS think about this one. Right now, I’d want maybe the electro-vision of sharks. 

What could you happily give a two hour lecture on? - Ocean conservation, and what’s correct and what isn’t.

What would a mirror opposite version of yourself be like? It doesn’t necessarily have to be an evil version– any feature can be reflected! - Someone who’s mostly optimistic. More bright colors than dark, short hair. Focused on socializing and extroverted. More than happy in one place forever, without an interest in travel. 

What’s an occasion you’ve done a double take? - Anime Expo a number of times. Seeing weird or unexpected, or legendary cosplays. 

If you could only see one color (and its varying shades– dark/light) for the rest of your life… what would you choose? - Blue. Guess that was probably obvious. But it’s a cool color and associated with calming. Between dark midnight and navy blues to vibrant aquamarines pressing towards green (without actually going into it), I feel like there’s a happy spectrum of all kinds that would be enough to get through without going too crazy.

Do your friends all share certain qualities? Major or minor! - Despite my.... unique personality, and preference towards quiet etc (INFJ), I have a lot of radically different kinds of friends. I honestly don’t think I could put any one thing down. Other than that I choose my friends carefully on who I think I can trust and is a good persona at heart. To a sufficient degree anyway. That’s also a huge part of my downsides, too. By being sensitive (and having certain conditions), when a friend does something that hurts me, it REALLY hurts.

How do you motivate yourself to do things? - Oh man, that’s funny. It is entirely circumstantial. As an artist/writer/creative (I use artist in the broad sense, but I figured I’d add that to help specify) I can VERY easily just have motivation on a moments notice. So it’s often pretty random. But if not, I jut need to think of why. I Looooooove gardening. Weeds need pulling? I think about what’ll happen if the roses or tomatos or lemon tree don’t get their water because of weeds sucking it up. Need to write? I’ll never leave my creation for *any*one if I don’t at least crack down on notes, and make slow and steady progress if nothing else. It’s usually just a small thing I think of to act as a spark, but it’s usually very effective.

What’s one of your favorite jokes? Tell it to us!  - Okay, so this isn’t a joke, but it’s seriously STILL making me laugh just thinking about it. I was going to reference an old comedian in a previous post (I didn’t end up doing it, but still). Anyway, I was really confused as to why I couldn’t find him in google. It turns out, instead of looking up “Groucho Marx”, I was googling “Marco Grouch”. LOL That’s probably not quite as funny to y’all, but for some reason it’s killing me. XD

Hooooooeeee! Well, that was long, but actually really fun! Thank you @scatteredstoryteller! That was like... an essay. lol But definitely fun. I love asks. XD

[brodoswag2]

Cary Kenner Late Night Talk Show

"With your host! Cary!"

"Good evening everyone! Good evening you! I know everyone's kinda curious tonight and kinda misses this dude too, right? right? I know you are don't be shy. Anyway he's an award-winning actor-producer-director also produced the new movie The Mind of an Idiot that will be showing tonight, please welcome Cary"

"Hey, Good evening and thank you for having me"

"Thank you for coming, welcome to the show. I know you're kinda tired from the traffic around your head so please have a tea"

"My pleasure"

"Hey, why won't you greet our audience that came here just to see you."

"Hey! Thanks for coming, I know you miss me. I know, I do too."

"So I heard you got a new movie coming up, The what's it called? Uhm yeah, The mind of an idiot"

"Yes yes the mind of an idiot"

"So we've seen the trailers, it was so complex I think most of the audiences didn't get it, can you give us something about the movie"

"Yeah I know, that's why it's the trailer, we don't want to give a lot away. Anyway, it's about a boy, who lived a very comfortable life. he's kind of a smartass, a genius perhaps, academically"

"Yeah we've noticed that too, and it kinda weirded out a lot of people because the title just doesn't fit"

"I know, but the thing is, there's a lot of geniuses in this world but in different aspects. you can be a genius in music but really bad at math, you can be a genius in a lot of things but I doubt that you'd be great in other subjects. that's just not how the human mind works. Meaning, you can still be a genius, and an idiot at the same time."

"That makes sense"

"Right? so this kid knows a lot of things, passes the exams, impresses his teachers, getting the grades, winning the school tourneys, getting all these achievements but also doesn't know what he's doing. all he knows is that he wants his parents happy. Unfortunately, his father is kind of a perfectionist, he always wants his kid to be the best, so even if the kid is getting all these achievements, it does not make him proud. so the kid keeps on pushing himself to be the best just to get his fathers approval. Fortunately, the one that is always by his side is his mother. His mother was that kind of a woman where she's in touch with her emotions and is very creative be it writing, painting, anything that involves craft and also very caring and very religious, she's also the kid's main motivator and is always around when it matters. so the kid didn't mind growing up but still, he has this lingering fear around him because of his father."

"Looks like most kids life these days"

"Not really, the thing is his father was abusive physically and mentally and his mother was also afraid of the father to the point that she can't do anything."

"Man I think I know where this is going"

"I know, thus the title The Mind of an Idiot. He's smart but because of his father's mental pressure on him, he doesn’t know anything about life thus making him an idiot. get it? so many years passed. The kid graduated as the top of his class and on his way to college. His father wants him to take this course because it was very in demand at that time. Oh did I mentioned that this kid wanted to be a writer? but his father won't agree because he said it was a dying job"

"Why would he do such a thing? Man if I was the father of that kid, I would let him do what he wants because I don't want my kid to have any regrets when he grew up, and the best part of it is he'd get to wake up doing what he loves. You know what they always say Choose a job that you love, and you will never have to work in your life"

"Yeah, I know? What an idiot. but still, the kid agreed without complaining. Years passed, his parents were in a bind, and is almost in bankruptcy, so the kid did what he had to do and dropped out of his class, plus the kid wouldn't want to finish his educational program anyway. And at that time, he felt the universe was with him. Oh right! This kid was also in a relationship, they were high school sweethearts! and she was also the kids first love. So the kid only has one thing in his mind, yeah it's every kid's dream. To be rich! he had this dream because he thinks it was the ultimate goal due to their family's situation, unknowingly it's also his reason to gain his father's approval, but he didn't understand that yet. Another year passed, this kid was working his ass off, her girlfriend was also very supportive of him so she also dropped out of her class and followed the kid wherever he goes."

"That was so sweet, I wish I have someone that supportive of me"

"What are you talking about, last time I checked you have a wife?"

"I know, unfortunately, things fall apart if the foundation is not that strong plus we have never married anyway so... let bygones be bygones"

"Man I'm sorry about what happened"

"Dude, Don't be! I haven't felt this alive ever since I was young, and I know someone is out there for me; so about your story"

"Yeah, right. Then luckily they found an opportunity to reach their goals easily, they joined this Pyramid Money System, which is at the time was very successful because you just have to invest some of your money and invite some people and poof, it would become a lot of money"

"Wow! didn't think it was that effective back in the days"

"I know right? Unfortunately, it gained a lot of bad reputation due to their way of getting people, promising a lot of money and some of them would waste their investments because you have to have your own system in order for your money to grow, thus those idiots who were unsuccessful would lash out and throw shade in public just because they couldn't manage their money well. But the kid was different, due to his charisma and business IQ he would get a lot of prospects from every part of the country. So he became successful when it comes to business, which he never thought he would be great at"

"You think I can be great in the business too?"

"Of course, the fact that you can do interviews like these can make you hella convincing when it comes to business talks"

"Thanks, one day I'll make you buy my products"

"Sure, as long as its practical and useful"

"So, what happened with the kid?"

"Oh. yeah, One day he had an idea where he could get more prospects, he would fly out of the country getting OFW's to sign with him. It was a long ride and the process of getting the prospects grouped up could be really long. Weeks passed and he flew back to his country. he never took a rest, once he got back he immediately goes back to his work"

"He sure is very hard-working"

"Oh wait till you hear the whole story. Due to the success he had when he went out, he took his girlfriend out for dinner so they can celebrate. So they went to a nice restaurant, ate what they ordered and went home. Along the way the kid noticed that his girlfriend was being aloof, she would only give this short replies, and couldn't maintain eye contact. of course, the kid would be bothered with what's happening around this girls head but every time he asked about it she would say nothing. Knowing the girl could get easily annoyed, the kid never bothered asking anymore"

"Oh sounds like she has some hidden agenda, I know that reaction, my ex-wife does that all the time!"

"Dude, chill your wife and the girl had different reasons"

"How'd you know?"

"It's all over your social media"

"Oh, right. So what was the girl's reason?"

"Yeah, the kid never understands the reason at first, he thought her girl was just stressed because she too has a lot of people to manage. But days passed the kid would notice that his girlfriend would only change his facial reaction when it comes to her upline, or let's just call him her boss. and she would follow him around wherever he goes, even in lunch breaks where she should be with the kid. So the kid would grow suspicious about what's happening, oh this kid also has great intuition and can read you like a book, but of course, he wouldn't decide on anything unless he is 100% sure that there something's going on."

"Sounds like he's getting paranoid"

"I know, I can't blame him tho. Anyway, this part of the story is gonna be damn crazy"

"Ooh that sounds exciting"

"One day, they were in need of more prospects to keep the money running, so the kid suggested that they would give out flyers and they would have partners to do the job so he'd partner up with her girlfriend. Then they would give out these flyers every morning and would target college kids and salary people that needed more money and it would be implemented starting the next morning. Then the next morning came, the kid woke up early as always, he decided to ring the girl to wake her up, unfortunately, she never answered. Then he would call her again saying that she doesn't have coverage. Then again, and again and again, with the same pattern. It would ring then suddenly the next call, it won't"

"Hmm interesting, why would that happen? it doesn't make any goddamn sense!"

"Whoa, calm down"

"Yeah, right. sorry, it triggered some of my memories. my bad"

"It's okay, we all had baggage I know."

"Thanks for understanding"

"No biggie, so back to the story. The kid asked the same questions as you asked, then suddenly it hit him. It can only mean one thing."

"What!?"

"The network coverage is inconsistent!"

"Oh My God!, then what?"

"He knew that at her house she has consistent network coverage, so it doesn't make sense that suddenly there would be a problem calling her. He was thinking and thinking until it drove him crazy!"

"It made him paranoid"

"Who wouldn't, till suddenly he remembered, the only place he knew where they can get that low network coverage is her bosses home."

"Whoa! holy shit! I never would've thought of that"

"Damn sure you wouldn't!, So he drove fast and parked in front of her bosses house. He had two phones for personal use and business use so he tried if his theory was right. and guess what?"

"DAMN HE WAS RIGHT!"

"Damn right he was right!, So he rang the house's doorbell, at first nobody would answer. So he ranged again and again because of his frustration. After a few minutes, someone came out, the bosses sister. the kid asked if the boss was around, and she said he came out early. He finds it weird since it's still 5 am and the morning! and their meeting time was at 8 am! the kid also noticed that the sister was lying but he doesn't want to cause any commotion that early, so the kid went back on his car and waited for at least an hour, then suddenly the sister was going out of the house in a uniform, he figured the sister was going to work. Knowing the sister was protecting his brother, it was the best time for him to wait until the enemy's protector is long gone."

"Man this is getting intense"

"I know right, So the kid rang the house bell again, no one would answer so he'd ring it again and again until someone came out. An old man. Figured it was the bosses father since the kid already met him sometime before. The kid asked if the boss was around, and luckily the fucking old man doesn't know what's going on! And he damn pointed out that he was sleeping in his room!"

"God damn family! listen to this people! don't ever cover up anyone who's an asshole! even if they're your family!"

"I'm not so sure about that. Anyway, the old man let the kid in and pointed out the bosses room, the kid was nervous and angry as fuck! he don't know what he'd even do if his thoughts were right! The kid knocked on the door, no one was answering so he knocked again with force. The door opened and there he saw his girlfriend on the fucking bed, and the bosses soul suddenly woke up surprised, knowing the kid in front of him is the one he's making a sin."

"Damn! I can't go through with this man! This shit is crazy!"

"I'm almost done. With all of the emotions the kid was feeling, he thought he'd go crazy, but no. He just stood there looking disappointed, waiting for the girl to pick all her stuff up and damn he never spoke a fucking word."

"*speechless*"

"He picked her up, drove her home and never spoke a word. He went home, called the week off stayed at home and all of the people that knew him never heard anything from him. The betrayal drove him crazy, he felt like it's better for him to die, he thought he was doing all that effort for their future. He felt how a big of an idiot he is. All the thoughts consumed him inside-out, it was his first heartbreak."

"*crying*"

"One day he woke up getting a lot of calls and messages from his colleagues that he needs to come back or their group would never function. He'd ignore them, but he would still think of his colleagues because they have dreams too. One day, he came back but the Hopeful, Enthusiastic, Funny, their Great Leader is long gone. He only came back to say goodbye and to liquidate his earnings. The boss was against this decision tho because this kid group was the biggest of the bunch and without the kid, his money would never function. I guess that was the kid's revenge."

"Go get em kid!"

"For years the kid would just hibernate and stay in his cave, he didn't function properly after the break-up. His friends tried to get him out, unfortunately, they had no luck. I mean they would, sometimes, but it would only let him find a way to kill himself, his friends tried to stop him every time it happens. Suddenly everyone got tired of his whining and his constant torture of himself and would tell him to just die instead."

"That's is just harsh!"

"I know right? but it also made him come into his senses. Then the idiot climbed on the roof of his house! Everyone was panicking and some of them would cry and plead him to go down. But little did they know it was also the last time they'd see him throw a fit."

"Wait, if he's not gonna kill himself then what was he doing on the roof?"

"He was just looking at everything around him, appreciating the cold breeze, his friends, his mom, the stars, the moon, and the universe. appreciating how he was lucky to live in this world, and he realized that life was not really a straight line, he realized that this had to happen to him to know that there's a lot of things more important than love. Oh! I forgot. He also thought that the reason he had to experience all that because the universe was preparing him for something GRAND!"

"I know right! The universe moves in mysterious ways and it won't let you end up with nothing. As long as you want it of course. So that was a long story, stay tuned and we will come back after the break"

TO BE CONTINUED...

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

My girlfriend and I are squeamish about physical affection so I'm trynna come up with different ways to express emotional affection. I asked her if she knew any and she didn't. Any ideas?

I will state outright that I tend to be a largely physical person, so I'm approaching this question with bias. So if you read what I say here and you're just like, MEH DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT ONE CHIEF, that's probably the reason. Take these answers with a grain of salt.

Really though, the ways you need to appropriate your affection emotionally needs two things. 1) It needs to be agreed upon as affection, and 2) it needs to be appreciated.

To the first point, you both have to accept it as affection. Affection means different things to different people, and as you both agree that touching each other is not ideal modes of affection, you also have to confirm whether the thing you're doing emotionally for them is affectionate. For instance, one method I'll mention is gift-giving. For instance, let's say you want to surprise them to show them affection. That's great... if they like surprises. I, myself, hate surprises. If you plan me a beautiful candle-lit dinner, but don't tell me about it beforehand, then you're literally just muddling my perfectly coordinated plans that I spent a week prepping for; no matter how nice it was for you to do that thing, I just will be unhappy because my plans were messed up and now I have to work around YOUR surprise to make sure the things I want to do can actually get done. Make sure that anything you'd like to do as affection is actually appreciated before you just start forcing it on someone else.

Secondly, it needs to be appreciated. This is similar to the first point, but with a slight nuance. Another nice example of emotional affection is a gift. Gifts work great. But there is so much variety for gifts. For me, I don't care for gifts too much. I'm not against them, but I really need to WANT the gift, or else I will feel like it was wasteful. For instance, if you buy me something you know I've been talking about and pining about for months, I'll be so appreciated. But if you're just like, "Yo, I bought this random book at the bookstore, because I thought of you," I'll just assume you wasted your money and will actually feel a little guilty that I have to accept this thing that has no value to me.

So just make sure you're confirming those two points with your partner before you actually gift those types of affection. Talk with them, and try to decide what actions make them feel all mushy inside, and if it doesn't dingle any of their dangles, then try something else. Now, onto the main event.

Pet names - Honey, sweety, baby, darling, etc. Make pet names for each other! Simple and effective.

Acts of appreciation - Wish them good morning or good night. Tell them they did a good job on that thing they worked hard on. Tell them you make them happy. Tell them you're glad you can spend time with them. Little turns of phrase that are true to boost their mood.

Acts of romance - "I love you." "You're perfect." "You fulfill me." Doesn't matter what the line is, just express your passion and romance to them. Every relationship is different, but do what works for you.*

Gifts - Get them a neat thing! Depends on what they like, but it can be anything. Flowers, candy, a thicc cheeseburger, a dope video game... doesn't matter! Get them something they like!

Unplanned Surprises - Be sneaky and spontaneous. Do things that'll throw them for a loop. Invite them to the park for no reason other than to enjoy their company, go out to see a movie at the theatres, go out on the town and walk or drive around with no destination, cook them a meal without telling them, plan a scavenger hunt.

Date Night - Basically, dates. It doesn't have to be more creative than that. Just play it up for fun! "I really want to take you out on the town. Let's get all dressed up fancy to do something fun." Make it a show! Dinner and a movie where you wear your nicest clothes. Romantic walk in nature. Out to a swanky café or bar. Whatever suits your needs.

Long-distance Date Night - Wanna have the same as above, but live far apart? Doesn't matter! Have a fancy date-night, where you dress up super cute, and then spend some time in a call together. Show off your smexy outfits, share a nice meal together, and then sync up a movie and watch it together, all from the comfort of your nearest couch, floor, or bed!

Sexy Pics - This is kinda self-explanatory. But if you're into each other, show off all you want! Get as lewd or nude as you feel comfy with.

Share Experiences - Do something completely out of the ordinary. Similar to surprises, but more organized. Go skydiving together, go scuba diving together. Maybe rock-climbing or hiking a mountain. Go to a concert or go camping together! This really depends on where you live and what amenities are around. But the point is to share moments that can't be recreated.

Share Interests - We all have things we like. Share them! Get your partner and watch your favourite movie. Then watch theirs! Read the same book together, play a multiplayer video game together, make music playlists for one-another and listen to them together... the options here are kind of limitless.

Share Hobbies - Work on something together. Paint a painting together, learn a language together, go to the gym and work out together, cook and then clean together. Again, kinda limitless.

There are so many other ways to show, but these are some super simple and straight-forward ways to share your affection for and with your partner. And if you're smart, most of this can be free or ultra cheap, so it doesn't bother your finances at all. But remember, it all depends on what they want and like, and same for you! Have a nice talk about the things you'd like to do and share with each other from this list, and then have fun!

[vanaera]

Petals in Envelopes

25. Things you said in writing

Synopsis | Misunderstandings happen when Jungkook expresses himself aloud so instead, he opts for writing, the medium that you know best, even if he has to hide under a different identity. (Or this is where you start to receive love letters from The Little Prince).

Genre | Tooth-aching flufffff I'm not even joking, oh and an attempt to humor because I’m suffering and I wanna laugh

Wordcount | 3,333 (I did not intend this but WOW)

Read more of football!jk drabbles in The Prince and His Rose

           If Jungkook would compare his locker to yours, there is always one single thing that sticks out like a sore thumb and it has always been there since kinder – the obnoxious, cheesy, overrated, sickening love letters.

           When you were in kinder, you always asked yourself how does your bestfriend always receives letters any time of the day when he’s always been nothing but an annoying “buttface.” Jungkook would watch you pout at the emptiness of your locker just to have the chance to poke your side and tell you to stop frowning because your ugliness will only drive more boys away. Of course you’re not one to be challenged so you chased him away with a shoe in your hand that almost whacked him out when you threw it his way. To sum up that fateful event, Jungkook realized the locker topic is not one to be brought up ever again. Anyway, that day didn’t stop you from mulling the thought over and over again. The frequency of the arrival of pink letters only increased as you two grew up to the point that Jungkook’s locker in high school is always expected to burst with the annoying pinkness every Valentine’s Day. Even when you reached college, the letters still came, though it wasn’t as intense as the previous years, but nevertheless, they are still there.

           You’re not jealous–okay when you were a chaotic five year old, of course you are–because it’s nice that your bestfriend gets some admiration here and there that unfortunately just makes his ego, that is already larger than his head, only grow. What only frustrates you is–why the hell does everyone seem to admire him and not you?! You’re much attractive than your dumbface of a bestfriend!

           “It’s because the Jeon Effect is irresistable!” Jungkook declares which only earned him a playful slap on the shoulder. He decides he’ll forgive you for that as consequence for always messing up your hair when you meet.

           In his defense, Jungkook admits that he’s really irresistible. What great ego he has, right? But anyway, most of the reason why there are zero letters in your locker centers around him and him only and yep, you’re not supposed to know that because you’re gonna beat him up when you finally learned the truth.

           You see, Jeon Jungkook always has a problem when it comes to you.

          You always had this effect that makes people gravitate around you and as his bestfriend, he doesn’t want to feel left out. It’s selfish he knows but what can you do when you’re five and another guy or girl kept hogging your attention to tell them stories, leaving him less time with you than the usual? Shouldn’t he be given more attention and more exposure to your storytelling as privilege of being your bestfriend? The answer is “yes, he should be” and he kept that mentality through high school and now, in college. He always drives off the boys that just so much attempt to slip in the damned pink envelope in the crevice of your locker and he keeps you away from those who are adamant to have you for themselves. He knows it sounds kinda paranoid but for him, it’s his form of his expression of affection, and well protection as evidenced by the Lee Taeyong Incident that will not be brought up now. Some other day will do, okay, just not now. He wants to indulge in the fluffiness of his stupidity for today.

           Anyway, Jungkook’s expression of affection, as introduced above, is quite peculiar. Soft sentiments are a luxury Jungkook can't easily afford for everybody, except for his family, close friends, and yeah, especially you. In a sidenote, that practically sounds like everyone but Jungkook swears it isn’t. Going back, Jungkook’s expressions of endearment for his family and friends ranges from bear hugs, bro hugs, fist bumps, and sometimes playful whacking of necks but when it comes to you, he doesn’t know why the hell he seems to be a new person. For Jungkook doesn’t spew intended mean comments at anyone but everytime he opens his mouth in front of you, Jungkook's supposed-to-be compliments turns to insults or…unusual nonsense he cannot even understand. And most of these instances involve his admiration for the little things in you.

           Your usual petty arguments most of the time revolves around his fondness for your (a bit) small, terribly cute height. He loves how your height contrasts against his in an endearing way that makes him look–actually he is someone you can (literally and figuratively) look up to and depend on. He loves how your head falls against his shoulders when you sit side by side in a perfect puzzle fit that makes him feel he's the only piece out there that can complement you. He just loves you and your height, okay.

           And all he could muster to say almost everyday was, "Your short legs are cute."

           The smile on your face when you met him falls into a frown. "Great way to say 'Good morning, Y/N', Jeon. I already know my legs are short, you don't have to inform me again and again."

           "But- But I said they're cute!" Jungkook tries to explain but you already walked far from him and towards your first class.

           "It's a compensation for your remark!"

           After agonizing over the fact he hadn’t received his morning hug from his bestfriend, he has to endure seeing you ignore him for a half a day for unknowingly ruining your morning, which to be honest, always starts out unfortunate. Anyway, after a class and two, you happily bounced to him and demanded him to treat you as an apology. It's always your go-to tactic when he upset you since you're in kinder – the feet apart, hands on your waist pose, a.k.a. the power stance, and the "you have to treat me as your 'sorry'" is all too familiar. He’s never run so fast in his life just to buy you that carbonara in Mark’s that you always crave. And oh, he also buys you a rose from the nearby flower shop. The color of his face competes the redness of the pimple that erupted like a volcano on the corner of his hairline, which he sure as hell covered with his fringe to keep it away from your sight that may or may not weaken the Jeon Effect, when he gave the flower to you. It wasn’t the first time he gave you a flower but the effect of the first time still remains. The songs in his chest goes on and on through day and night and they only increased in tempo when he finds out the next day that you already pressed the petals of the flower in your notebook, the one filled with your poems and proses, so as to keep the rose permanent.

           “So as to remind you that would be the last time you will insult my legs!” you huff.

           Well, Jungkook can’t promise he would actually stop. He loves your height too much.

           Aside from your height, another thing Jungkook finds very, very weakening to his heart is your utter clumsiness. Your entrance in rooms or anywhere when he meets you is punctuated with you tripping on your own foot, or a tornado of papers falling from your clutches, and if not papers, then books or the tray from the cafeteria which is very much more alarming. No wonder everytime he sees you, he feels his heart shaking - from anticipation or worry, he doesn't know. He just muddles it up together as fondness for you, his small, chaotic bean. And he wants to be the reason why you will blush or why your heart will skip a beat but the circumstances just has to topple over the proportion.

           One day when it's your turn to bring the tray containing your foods to your table, Jungkook speaks out his mind. "I don't know why I always have to watch for my heart when I'm with you."

           You face him, brows almost bunched together. "Why? Am I bad enough to cause you heart attacks now?"

           Yeah, heart attacks from your cuteness. "No but you will because you're gonna trip on yourself-" and you do. Luckily, Jungkook has his hand on your arm and the other on your tray before anything spills or gets wasted on the grimy floor. The momentum has your back pressed close to his chest, too close for his heart. Your natural scent fills his senses and Jungkook thinks he may die too early for his age. You were supposed to feel the overwhelming cardiovascular palpitations from this very cliché romantic move in movies, not him-Oh my fucking god, she will hear my fucking heartbeat-

           "Thanks, Kook,” you said as Jungkook helps you regain your balance, hands on your shoulders to keep you steady.

           Jungkook breathes out, "You're welcome" and composes himself. The beating of his heart has still not stabilized so he immediately does his go-to mechanism: be the cool dude. Jungkook wills himself to try the eyecandy move and smirks. "I hate to say I told you so but I will still do so. You should just leave the tray business to me."

           You glanced at him, placing your tray on the table. His effort – The Smirk™ unnoticed. "But I don't want to look like I can't do this simple stuff without you.

           Jungkook decides to rest his case. The Jeon Effect is not working so he’ll go back to his usual self. Settling on his seat, he tells you, "I know you can. I just insist because I want to. Otherwise I would just leave it to you - like our pair project that I'm too lazy to do."

           Your forehead furrows in worry. "Hey, you're not going do that are you? Don't you-"

           Jungkook laughs. Of course he can't let you do a two-people-project on your own like the past people who did just because "you're a writer, you can do this stuff easily." Anyway, he just shrugs, a smug smirk on his face that irritates the hell out of you. "I'll think about it."

           "HEY!"

           Ah, you're just too cute for his poor heart.

           And there's a whole lot of things that he loves about you, like your fascination for fashion, how your eyes sparkle - really sparkle when you talk about writing, how you hold up yourself to everyone and be intimidating like the badass that you are. Honestly, you possess million things he adores to every bit and Jungkook thinks he has to spend a lifetime to tell everything about you that he loves and learned to love.

           Going back to his main dilemma: So far, everything is good - pining for you, impressing you, earning attractive points when he attempts to be "eyecandy" again, except for one (excluding the unforeseen obstacles like Kim Jongin sneaking behind his back to get to you because that is a separate problem Jungkook will have to deal with in another day). Yes, he's courting you, but he can't make you feel like he's actually doing so because, quoted from his friends, "his mouth always has to fail him." And this could be illustrated in numerous instances.

            Your have such a nice smile. "You have nice teeth.”

           You give him an incredulous look. "Thanks?”

            You styled your hair so pretty today, I wanna touch it. "Nice hair! Lemme touch," Jungkook pats the curls you did and you swat his hands in annoyance.

           "Jungkook, stop messing my hair!"

            You really look good today, ethereally good everyday. "Wow! You look nice today!"

           "Just today?"

           Jungkook scrunches his nose. Why are you asking? You do look good today. "Yeah."

           You only scowled at him. "I hate you."

             "Why can't you just say nice words to her that will make her heart go doki doki?" Taehyung asked one Friday during their practice.

           "I've said nice words!" Jungkook pants in between intakes of air, still breathless from their play. "And okay, I'll appreciate your attempt for kawaii eventhough you're being far from cute."

           "Hey!" Taehyung claps his back and Jungkook snorts. "As I was saying," Taehyung hands Jungkook a water bottle, "You've always been romantic. You're even clingy to us!"

           "I am not! I-"

           "Then what do you call that day when you thought Namjoon was going to accept the overseas scholarship, and you bawled your eyes out like your parents are putting you up for adoption."

           "That's -"

           "Or that day when Yoongi went out to get lamb skewers alone and you practically hogged him when he went back to our hangout place and you're like,” Taehyung makes crying poses, “'never leave me alone again, hyung.'”

           Jungkook runs his hand over his face. "Oh my god, that was only one time!"

           "Anyway, that's not the point," Taehyung looks at him, serious now. "You always fuss when Y/N is not by your side, act like the drama queen that you are, or tell us countless of times how 'Y/N is so amazing,' 'Y/N is so hot'-"

           "I'm not like that!"

           "Same context, though, Jeon," Taehyung giggles before finally drinking his water. After wiping his lips, he continues on. "Why be affectionate behind her back and act like a dumb, annoying jerk when she's in front of you?"

           Jungkook freezes. "I act like- like a jerk in front of her?"

           "A dumb jerk," Taehyung emphasizes, "You're not rude okay. You just say dumb things that make you look like a jerk."

           "I don't get you."

           "Don't worry, I also don't get myself." Jungkook scrunches his face at this and Taehyung breaks into a fit of giggles. "Jokes aside, you're being a jerk because you make mindless comments that make her feel bad or confused."

           Jungkook looks down, biting his lip. It's true though. His attempts of romance only make you frustrated or bewildered. Not once has he made you blush. Not once has the Jeon Effect been actually effective on you. You only laugh at his silliness but it's not something he can regard as his special effect on you when you easily just laugh...at everything. You already break out into snickers just by the sight of his face.

           Jungkook sighs and shakes his head. "Honestly, I don't know what to do, hyung. You said that I should try to compliment her smile and I did. I noticed the details she put on her hair and I said them aloud. I complimented how she looks that day and I really worked on the courage to say it. But everything always has to go down the drain. I can't voice them out the way I want them to be and I feel bad I'm making her feel like this."

           "Of course she'll react that way. It's not everyday that someone repeatedly informs you your legs are short or that your teeth is nice." Jungkook's glare makes Taehyung chuckle and finally think of something sensible to say. "For the record, I'll give you full points for determination and effort.” Taehyung pauses, enjoying the sight of a very lost Jungkook. And then a light bulb suddenly goes off in his mind and Taehyung’s smile widen. “If you can't voice out your feelings, have you ever thought of an alternate medium? Do you really need to say them aloud?”

           That's when a similar light bulb goes off in Jungkook's head. "Oh man holy shit, hyung."

           Taehyung smirks and drinks from his bottle, his other hand reaching for a fist bump to which Jungkook reciprocated, smiling. "How come I've never thought of that?"

           “It’s because you’re dumb.”

           “I hate you. Okay, I’m not gonna hit you as a sign of gratitude for the one sensible idea you have ever given to me.”

             Jungkook has thought of a perfect plan and approximately just two days later ("That fast?" "Yes, hyung, that fast. It's the Jeon Effect."), he sees his plan come into reality the moment you open your locker.

           "Eh, what is this?" you grab the lone pink envelope laying flat on top of your books. You don't remember having any stationary that matched the pink paper and the small golden? (It’s yellow with glitters so it’s golden according to Jungkook) crown drawn on the bottom left. How did it end up here? Quickly, you turned around and flashed the strange object to your bestfriend."Jungkook, look what I found."

             Jungkook's eyes widen, his lips splitting into a grin. "Oh my god,Y/N, you got a love letter! For the first time in forever!"

             "Love letter?" You frown.

             "Of course, Y/N! It's pink and it's in your locker, of course it's a love letter!" You look at him funny before deciding that yeah, maybe, this is a love letter. Jungkook received tons of them in high school, and actually until now, and given with his experience, maybe he's right. But you still won't know until you see it. Excitement bubbling in your chest, you set down your bag on the floor and hurriedly took off the heart-shaped pink tape that secured the flap of the envelope.

      "Wow, finally someone started to get attracted to you! It's about time you start considering not to become an eternal maiden, Y/N!" You could hear Jungkook tease you behind your back but your mind was too focused on opening this hell of an envelope. The moment you finally opened it, a small piece of a vintage-looking stationary paper is folded inside and your hand carefully pulled it out. You spread it open, your eyes drinking in every detail like a map that would lead you to a hidden treasure. The margins of the paper contain seemingly hand-drawn planets and one single rose, but apart from the wonderful illustrations your eyes cannot tear itself away from the handwritten letters penned as if to make it an entire art itself.

 " Dear princess,

I know you may be wondering who I am but for the mean time, let me just be the prince who loves you from afar. Sorry this might have come too sudden, but please let me admire you from a distance until the day I finally have courage to reveal myself. This is in no way how princes write letters so to compensate for my lacking skills, I will try to be more romantic:

The roses will be in a losing battle trying to rival your beauty and comparing you to an ephemeral entity seems pointless when I could spend the rest of my days dreaming about an eternity with you. Nevertheless, I just wish for you to know how wonderfully beautiful you are in every possible way.

 This may be cringey but I hope I made your day a little bit better.

 Your admirer from a faraway land,

The Little Prince."

            "So, what did it say?" Jungkook asks, grinning at the way you seem to not hear a word he's saying, too focused on the love letter, too focused on his words. The sight of your blooming grin makes the birds in his chest flutter. He's finally done it right! The Jeon Effect is working -though not directly – it’s fucking working and that's all enough to appease his poor love-sick heart.

           The glow you suddenly had makes Jungkook weak in the knees and when you finally tore your eyes away from the letter, Jungkook knows he's done for.

           "Oh man holy shit! Jungkook I finally have an admirer!"

           Jungkook smiles, leaning on your locker to watch you do a little twirl and giggle, letter clutched by small hands, pressed close to your chest.

           I'll always be your admirer and it will only be about time until I have the courage to finally say it right.

 Y/N, you're pretty. "Y/N, you look hot."

"What the fuck, Jungkook?"

"Sorry, I–my brain is malfunctioning."

"O...kay?"

"Damn it, why can't I say it right?"

"What do you mean?"

"U-uh- nothing."

"...Are you sure you're okay?"

I actually don't know. "Yes!"

 A/N | Hi anon, I hope you enjoy this! I was already writing this when your request came and the coincidence is amazing!

On a sidenote, I’m editing through the fics I made for the requests so be prepared for the onslaught of my replies and keep sending me requests for Things you said and Songs to Read Playlist!

And also, talk to me, hons! Hit me up with a message! That would be greatly appreciated! :D I hope you have a great day/night and thank you for all the love you have showered me :*)

 All Rights Reserved © Vanaera. No reposts, modifications, and translations of content are allowed without direct permission.

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 3x07-- The One Where Diane and Liz Topple Democracy

Yes I’m still writing these

“Admit it. You like having me here. I mean, you didn’t think you would. But then, gradually, you realize that Blum is like a shot in the arm,” Blum tells the viewers. I mean, the partners. But he’s definitely talking to the viewers. See, we are supposed to ENJOY him. We’re supposed to find his terribleness cute and endearing. We’re supposed to be captivated by him. Here’s the thing: I’m not. I just want him to go away and stop being loud, which is how I have felt from the second he first opened his mouth. And when he was silent and I didn’t know how loud he’d be? I still wanted him to go away.

Does Blum work better than most of the past attempts at Blum-like figures? Yes. He’s leaps and bounds better! Is he still an annoying ass pest? HELL FUCKING YES.

Blum compliments the partners on being “clean” and “articulate” because he’s racist and wants everyone to know it. It’s cute!! So cute and charming!!

Why are the partners having an end of the year meeting? Is it the end of their fiscal year? Is it December? I want to know.

Blum attributes a Machiavelli quote to Martin Luther King Jr, which is actually kind of hilarious. Even if I don’t like him I can appreciate when they write him well.

Blum decides he’s joining the firm and the partners ask for time to confer. Marissa is still wasting her time following him around.

Liz calls Blum a cancer and says they need to get rid of him. I agree! Adrian is on board, but wants to delay him. I’m sure that’s going to end well.

Lucca is singing Baby Shark again, which means it’s going to be stuck in my head for another day. Diane comes into her office with a task. Because Lucca’s on hold with the Sweeney divorce, and she has NO OTHER BUSINESS IN THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT  SHE MANAGES, Lucca also gets Blum duty. So now Marissa AND Lucca, two of the firm’s best employees, are stuck dealing with his bullshit. A+ management, RBL.

Is there NO OTHER EMPLOYEE at this firm that can do this task? “We had four associates on it. He sent them out on errands,” Diane explains. What the fuck? Did you not prepare them to deal with him? You gave him a staff, observed him doing no work for three weeks, and were just like, sure, associates, go run errands for Roland Blum!? What kind of management is that?! Surely there is someone at this firm other than Lucca who can ensure that lawyers do lawyering.

“Blum is seductive. We need an adult in the room,” Diane says. I don’t know which concerns me more: the fact that Diane is only just now realizing they needed to manage this problem or the fact that Diane doesn’t think any of her employees are capable of acting like adults. If that’s true, that’s also a management problem, and YIKES.

Julius is a horrible liar.

Is Blum talking to himself this week’s soliloquy? If so, kinda meh.

Rachelle has brought Liz and Diane a class action about vote rigging in 2016. Isn’t Rachelle’s job something in strategy? Shouldn’t she be distancing herself from this case and making sure it seems like she’s never met Liz or Diane?

Yes, the episode just answered it for me. Rachelle is a pollster. This seems dangerous. I also feel like Liz and Diane haven’t really made an independent choice since they started working with Rachelle.

Rachelle acts like this case is for real and not a set up. I understand that she’s effective, but she’s done so many cagey things in just a few episodes that I would cut all ties. You met her through a literal con artist, first of all. And beyond that, do you really think someone who’s going to force clients upon you to further their agenda and mess with the dynamics at your firm is not also going to give up your names if and when things get rough?

I may say this again later, but what I dislike most about this episode is that the stakes are so high, and they’re so real-world. Diane and Liz aren’t debating the ethics of voter fraud in the abstract. They’re committing a federal crime.

Lucca deals with Blum by… doing work. Blum’s “associate”-- actor Gary Carr, playing himself-- assists her. Lucca doesn’t realize he’s an actor and puts him to work. He clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing (because he’s not a lawyer).

Case stuff happens. Diane is instructed by Rachelle to ask for the software architecture, but she doesn’t find this suspicious. I know I do. Does the client usually get to tell the lawyer what evidence to request? Seems weird to me.

After court, Diane and Liz ask Rachelle why she needs the software. Uh, after they asked for it in court they ask her why she needs it? They didn’t think it was actually relevant and thought the request was suspicious and went along? Also, PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS THAT ONE REASON TO WANT THE ARCHITECTURE OF A SOFTWARE IS TO HACK IT.

Lucca tells Diane that Gary Carr is doing good work. What? Taking it seriously I get, but good work? Good enough that Lucca would recommend Carr to Diane? All we’ve seen him do as a “lawyer” is misidentify a piece of evidence that Lucca just had to glance at to understand.

As Lucca walks from her office to Blum’s, she overhears some associates talking about Gary Carr. See, he’s an actor and he was on Downton Abbey, a show I never watched more than a few episodes of. Lucca clearly hasn’t either. Are any of these associates really weirded out by Maia’s presence at the firm? Wasn’t she on Downton too?

Lucca confronts Gary about lying and asks him to wait in reception. There’s some awkwardness/sexual tension (the Kings’ favorite way to show sexual tension is having people be exceedingly awkward around each other) as he leaves. This plot is fun and fine, but I’d love for Lucca to get something more substantive.

Book Club meets again and Polly suggests hacking the voting machines. Diane and Liz are stunned. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Diane says, and… credits!

Book Club’s gotten pretty big. Diane’s completely against vote rigging and everyone else (except Liz) is like BUT WINNING IS MORE IMPORTANT. Polly decides to frame it as a “correction” for gerrymandering and voter intimidation. This is a more convincing argument. But it is not an argument for why Diane or Liz would risk their lives and careers for this.

Diane and Liz talk, away from the group, and Liz makes a fantastic point: “You know there are counties right now where black people are so terrorized that they can’t even show up at polls? Look, in Georgia, in 2018, a bus filled with black senior citizens was stopped by the police so they wouldn’t be allowed to vote. 53,000 voter registrations of black voters were held up by the Georgia Secretary of State. Diane, you don’t [know]. Look, we share a lot of things, but we do not share histories. I have a college friend who was kicked off the voter rolls in Ohio. And my uncle was denied the right to vote in the last election in Wisconsin. I mean, at some point, these stories become more than just anecdotes. They’re something bigger. This democracy you talk about, this doesn’t exist for a lot of us. It didn’t exist for my grandparents, it didn’t exist for my parents, and it is slowly being taken away from me.” Diane interjects that they should fight it in the courts. “The courts. The courts that overturned the Civil Rights Voting Act in 2013? So, excuse me if I just need a moment to reflect on this unique possibility. One person hits a few buttons and suddenly black voters are re-enfranchised. That means something very different to me than it does to you.”

WOW. I had to write out that whole speech because it’s great. It calls attention to a very important real world issue (if you want to learn more about voter suppression, I highly recommend One Person, No Vote by Carol Anderson). It doesn’t convince me for a second that hacking the voting machines is the right approach, but it’s enough that I understand where Liz is coming from and why Diane’s idealistic speeches don’t sway her.

Even if I don’t think this speech does a good job of making me understand why Liz is willing to jeopardize her career (tbh I have a bit of trouble believing Liz would be drawn to Book Club in the first place), it’s so good as an explanation of voter suppression I don’t really care.

Rachelle is a master manipulator. She decides to add an amendment to their plan-- only enough votes to offset disenfranchisement of black and Latino voters will be changed. Uh huh. I don’t buy it. And even if it’s true, this is so clearly manipulative it’s ridiculous. What about Rachelle is so trustworthy Liz would risk her career to help her?!

I’m stuck on this, I know, but I can’t see Liz making these choices, no matter how good the arguments or how noble the cause.

The group votes and things don’t go Diane’s way… but she acts like now that they’ve voted, she has no choice but to break the law. I don’t understand. Why is her allegiance to this group when she (and Liz) are the ones who would be most directly responsible for leaking the software architecture?

“You signed on for this. The ends justify the means, so don’t get all outraged that we’re willing to follow through,” Rachelle tells Diane. This sounds a lot like the “we’re defense attorneys, therefore we have to represent Lemond Bishop” logic I hate so much.

Oh goodie, it’s the weird scene in which I thought Lucca was going to start masturbating, and a Good Fight Short about Downton Abbey. This plotline does nothing for me. When I say I want Lucca plotlines, I don’t mean I want weird romances. I mean I want to see Lucca making friends, raising her child, and navigating the workplace.

I will take all the Lucca plots I can get but please, something with substance next time!

Blum is mad and sniffing around Reddick’s sexual harassment issues. Should’ve just gone public when you had the chance, partners.

Adrian physically attacks Blum, which is… a way to handle this. Go away, Blum. Adrian also decides to go after Blum’s illegal courtroom tactics.

Have I mentioned that I love Liz’s office bathroom?

Adrian suggests threatening Blum and Liz responds “that’s like threatening a bull with a red flag.” If it weren’t for the fact that she’s done nothing to prevent him from infiltrating her firm, I would say Liz has by far the best reactions to Blum.

“We knew this day would come, Liz,” Adrian explains, referring to the day when the allegations against Carl Reddick would surface. Well if you knew that WHY WOULD YOU PAY OFF THE WOMEN AND MAKE IT LOOK WORSE FOR YOURSELF???

They managed to write a Lucca plot I don’t feel like recapping. That’s really amazing.

I care even less since I know how it ends.

Diane insists on being the one to argue for obtaining the software architecture, since she’s a lawyer and it’s her job. She gives a passionate speech that’s about the sanctity of the vote but it’s really, of course, her argument against voter fraud. The irony!

I don’t get why Diane continues to tie herself to this!!! None of this plot makes sense to me from a character POV!!! Well, except the part where Diane gets so angry she follows a con woman to a resistance group. That makes complete sense.

Diane distances herself from the group AFTER arguing in court for the architecture? Okay. Sure. So noble.

Here’s the best part of this Lucca-dates-Gary-Carr plot: Marissa recognizes him from The Deuce and not Downton Abbey, which is a little detail that’s verrrrryyyyyy Marissa.

Hey, it’s the subpoena guy! (Yes, I care more about that than watching Blum get a tattoo.)

RBL wants to get Blum disbarred. I want him to be disbarred too, so he can become irrelevant and go away.

Jay finds a Republican hack in the software architecture. Gasp!

Blum starts screaming and banging on windows and everyone ignores him. This scene is an accurate representation of how I feel about Blum. The louder he is, the less I care about him.

Will never be a fan of three way call split screens.

WHY ARE Y’ALL TALKING ABOUT HACKING VOTING MACHINES ON THE PHONE!? Y’all are smart enough to know how to hack a voting machine but not smart enough to think of burner phones?

And why hasn’t Polly already found this malware?

And why do I care?

Rachelle calls Liz “Diane” over the phone. Liz is making Diane’s arguments, but I think it’s telling Rachelle sees them as almost interchangeable obstacles. She doesn’t really care if she’s talking to Diane and Liz, as long as she’s talking to a lawyer who will get her the software architecture and argue her case.

I do not understand Jay’s testimony in court. One, why is Jay testifying instead of a computer science expert? Two, why do his political leanings matter if he could point at an actual section of code?

So this plotline can receive more consistent development than Lucca Quinn herself, Lucca offers to let Gary Carr shadow her.

This episode is a exhausting. I didn’t like it the first time and I am having trouble getting through it. Every supporting character who shows up makes me think, “ugh.”

Oh! This is the scene with the random unnecessary nudity! If she was going to be topless in this scene why even bother with having her cover up after sex? Either don’t show it or go all in. Now I’m nitpicking a thing that usually doesn’t annoy me.

Oh and THIS scene, with Adrian and Diane’s terribly thought through confrontation of the judge! You don’t have to be a genius to know this was the wrong approach. Diane doesn’t even know Adrian’s reasoning for believing there’s judicial bribery.

How many damn times can we do this, “these are REAL LAWYERS, not TV LAWYERS” bit? I’m sick of it. Also, Lucca doesn’t like TV? Boo.

Diane and Liz don’t win their case. Which is a win for Rachelle.

Now Diane’s ALL IN!!!!! On vote rigging and wants to push the button to make it happen. Whatever.

Well, that’s over. I really have three more of these to write?

[youswiminmywater]

reflections on past jobs, for no particular reason

for the past few days, i’ve been trying to shake off a funk, a slump, one of those holes you can fall into if you’re the depressed type. where you spend entire days in bed, or crawl out at 2pm to eat a pile of leftover mashed potatoes between a mindless barrage of youtube videos or sudoku puzzles. just drowning yourself in distractions until you finally get fed up with it and start down that familiar path of Self-Care, which is probably a little different for everybody. for me, it involves leaving the house (which i’m convinced has some paranormal draining effect on my soul, or perhaps just dust, mold, cat pee, dandruff around the house intensifies my doldrums on a base physical level), going out to eat or sitting around in a coffee shop to read. reading is always my touchstone for “getting better,” like i’m flexing some intellectual muscles that i’d been neglecting for the past few weeks, or even months. i’ve said before that i’m a terrible english major, and have a lot of trouble starting books let alone finishing them, but i just think it’s a habit that needs developing, a habit that can replace the easier, mindless ones like scrolling through tumblr or playing through a game i’ve played through a thousand times. 

a friend of mine suggested the other day that reading is equally a waste of time as playing a video game, though, a comment that really kind of fucked me up and made me feel embarrassed for trying to use it to cheer myself up. i think i’ve come to a point now where i can disagree, heartily, with that comment. no video game inspires this much thought in myself, or makes me want to write. maybe it has to do with the TV screen itself. i’ve read that the blue light TVs have sort of a trance effect on you, like how the fluorescents at the supermarket make you want to browse around and lose focus, or how phone screens trick your brain into staying awake because it’s the same kind of light that comes from the sun. it does feel like a trap sometimes, an addiction. and some video games really do manipulate you to play them as much as possible, some are just designed that way. i’m not ashamed to say i’d throw video games out of my life entirely if i could, they never have made me feel better about myself. they’ve never inspired me. maybe i’ve just had some poor experiences with them, skipping homework to play games, staying up too late, getting angry at certain levels, forgetting to eat or go to the bathroom. they just command too much attention and force me to forget about myself entirely, don’t allow me to think about anything other than the game itself. the only real positive influence they’ve had on my life is that it’s something to do with other people if i can’t physically be with them. like virtual worlds to hang out in with your friends. even then, though, it’s more about spending time with people i care about in a setting that’s comfortable for me, not about the games themselves. ANYWAY that’s my argument for THAT

like i was saying, shaking off a funk. i was at this coffee shop today, maybe been there three or four times. i don’t really drink coffee, and coffee shops have never really been my scene, but they’re great places to just sit for a couple of hours to read and write, and nobody even bats an eye at you. can’t really do that at a sit down restaurant, it’s too easy to feel self-conscious, especially if there’s a waitress depending on flipping your table as efficiently as possible. 

but the point of this story is to talk about the doughnuts they were selling at this particular coffee shop. big, fat doughnuts, a few with outlandish glazes, strawberry glaze, for example. one was just entirely purple. and when i say fat doughnuts, i mean like, when you see it, it’s golden brown on both sides, and then it has that pale ring around the outside that the oil just never got to when they flipped ‘em in the fryer. that ring is the sexiest part of the doughnut, it’s like a stretch mark to show you how plump and decadent that particular doughnut is gonna be. not all doughnuts have those rings either; if you go to kroger or something, their old-fashioned doughnuts? just dry brown rings. probably a lot of factory doughnuts lack that pale ring, now that i’m thinking about it. it’s really a sign of some gourmet shit happening behind the scenes, somebody hand-cut that doughnut and fried it themselves. that’s how you know you’re eating something nice. probably worth the $3.50 i paid for it. well, maybe, that’s still kinda steep. 

my imagination was going like this the entire time i was at the coffee shop. i had seen them when i came in, and resolved to get out only on my way out, maybe two hours later. should i ask the cashier where they got those doughnuts from? would he even know? maybe they even made them in house, i thought. now THAT would be exciting! they did have a few food options on their menu. i think one lady next to me had some fried plantains or something. that would suggest they had a fryer, right? but then i figured, there’s no way, a coffee shop this size just wants to deal with a few baristas and that’s it, any fancy gourmet stuff would be brought in. it would be such a hassle to hire a pastry chef just to make doughnuts and scones, i don’t think the sales at a place this size would justify a batch of anything. i did daydream a little, however. made me want to work there so that i could figure out the secrets behind the counter. maybe there’s a real master doughnut-maker back there, and i could pick up at least that juicy little talent from working there, if nothing else.

this is what sent me down into a spiral. flipping through all of my past jobs, half regretful, wondering what exactly i took with me when i left. the job i have right now is the only one i’ve ever formally considered to be a real skill builder, a real job that actually means something. yet that doesn’t mean i’ve just been wasting all my career-building opportunities up until this point, does it? i always imagined that jobs through high school college were just, in general, real time wasters, real whatevers. you could literally have whatever job you wanted and not feel a tinge of regret about it, as long as it paid something. internships were for rich kids, kids that had their parents plan out their careers for them and finance it all the way through. retail jobs, cashier jobs, delivery jobs, these were there for kids who were gonna figure it all out later. normal people. looking back on it now, though, i really would do it differently. i would at least like, have a theme to the kinds of jobs i was going for, you know? jobs that logically led from one to the other, building up tips and tricks that would make you way more impressive to your coworkers down the line. this is probably also a false regret too, because there are those people that change their career paths like, really late in their lives. like they were a nurse for 30 years and now they wanna learn how to be a real estate agent, just from scratch. it’s brave, and i’m sure they sometimes wish they could have gone back and done things differently too, just started with the thing they loved before they knew they loved it. or maybe not, maybe they needed to hate something before they learned what they love...who knows.

what did i learn from my jobs then? i just wanted to go down the list and put together little stories, or sketches, rather. i know this isn’t exactly the most readable thing, and i don’t really expect anybody to read it. it’s entirely biographical and probably entirely boring, but it’s a fun exercise for me, at any rate. if you’re the kind of person that enjoys this sort of thing, i’m beaming on the inside for the both of us. anyway, here we go!

1. Goodwill Associate. Cashier, stock guy, master of all trades. Or at least the shitty ones this was my first ever job, I guess when I was 18 the summer out of high school. I had a couple of school-sanctioned volunteer roles when I was younger, but I don’t really consider those as anything in a career sense. Just an extension of school. My first actual job was here in retail, and kind of like really on the bottom of the totem pole, retail-wise. It was minimum wage. There wasn’t any real structure to the product, no departments, no red tape, no security wires on the expensive stuff. It was just bare bones, donated stuff, a little bit of a Wild West vibe, if i’m being honest. prices were determined by managers in the back. they’d just write the prices on everything in marker. anything without a price tag like that, like most of the clothing, the cashiers would just guess at what products were being handed to them and ring them up like that. looks like a unisex shirt, 1.99. pants with women’s sizes on the back tag, 3.99. customers sometimes would try to haggle, and sometimes they’d succeed! you can’t do that at sears. people would just buy fake stuff knowing it was fake and not be bothered by it. the main purpose of the employees was just to clean up the mess, and make everything look somewhat organized, keep stuff off the floor.

there were a couple of roles you could take working at a place like this. first off, everybody was a cashier, but you weren’t supposed to linger at the cash register. the primary thing you’d do is run clothes, which meant, rolling out a rack from the back full of clothes that had been already “processed” and just transfer them onto the racks out on the store floor. basically until the racks on the floor were jam-packed and you couldn’t do anymore. this was my least favorite thing, and to be honest i don’t remember doing it much. the rolling racks in the back were called “z-racks,” because the bottoms of them were held together with metal  shaped like z’s. probably my first brush with industry-specific terminology. they have z-racks in culinary too, but they’re something different, still with the same z-shape on the top and bottom holding them together. 

then there was “housewares,” which meant basically that you wandered around the housewares department all day, making an attempt to organize everything within reason. put everything upright with the price clearly visible. this was a real nightmare job, but a relatively stress-free one. sometimes a haitian family would stroll through and ruin your entire day’s work. the kids really just did whatever they wanted and left every toy in the middle of the floor, the parents paying absolutely no attention. it was a real thankless job, akin to hanging out in tartarus rolling rocks up a hill over and over again just to see it roll back down the next day.

cashier was the most rewarding part, i think, just because it’s the only aspect that forced interaction with the customers. that’s still my favorite part of most jobs i’ve had, i think, the opportunity to meet people and interact with someone new. of course, at a place like goodwill, you weren’t really all that excited about most of the clientele, but you could definitely walk out of there with a few stories. i was pretty young back then too, so i was prone to developing crushes on a few regulars, even attempting to flirt now and then, which became mostly nonexistent in my later jobs because it’s just, i don’t know. inappropriate, i guess. crass. unprofessional. and, in this day and age, a little creepy. but cashiering was an easy way to pick up at least a few social skills, whether you’re arguing your way through a stubborn customer who’s trying to save a dollar on some kid shoes, or shooing away a 35 year old gay man who, for whatever reason, has the hots for you. it was a nice exposure, though certainly removed from most retail experiences, just given the nature of the place. 

i never worked retail behind the counter again after that, especially after i started working in a couple of malls, because ACTUAL retail cashiers, the ones who make commission on their sales and have quotas for how many credit cards they get people to sign up for, they always seemed like real prisoners to the system. that notion always scared me, and kept me looking towards the background areas, the stock rooms and employee-only hallways. when you got into REAL retail, i didn’t want to be a part of it.

2. Von Maur, “Stock and Housekeeping,” stay in my department? this whole damn place is my department!

this job was a nice one, i stayed for a whole year before moving on. that doesn’t sound like much, but i’m pretty sure it’s my second or third longest running job out of all the ones i’ve had. von maur was a department store at one of the malls around here, a store they call an “anchor” because it’s on the edge of the mall complex. malls are usually designed to have multiple anchors, big stores for general shopping like macy’s and sears, with a bunch of little stores all scattered throughout, stores with more specialized targets. you often have to walk through the anchor stores to get in and out of the mall to one of the parking lots, so they’re usually stores with multiple departments, something for everybody.

von maur is considered kind of a high-end store, more expensive than macy’s, more upscale brands, but it’s not like walking straight into a coach store. it has a very old-fashioned customer service feel to it. the cashiers are all required to dress in formal wear, suits and dresses, clean-shaven. very strict dress code. the customer service section is a long desk in the back of the store with multiple ladies there to help, tables right behind them for gift-wrapping, especially during the holiday season. the clothing racks are all shoulder height or lower, you can see every department from any part of the store, and each department has gilded gold lettering above each register area, with different colors of carpets indicating when you were leaving one section from the other. and each department had a special name too, not just “men’s” or “women’s.” it was Juniors. Traditional. Contemporary. Gifts. very classy categorizations that made you feel a certain way just standing there, albeit sometimes they were kind of arbitrary.

it seems silly to even point out these kinds of things, but i’ve grown an immense fondness for this clean kind of layout now that i’ve spent some time in a few other department stores. most places make no fucking sense whatsoever, they’re designed like mazes to get lost in. pillars everywhere, obstructions going all the way up to the ceiling, no way to determine exactly how big the entire store is or where your next stop should be. pay attention next time you go to a jc penny. it’s a real shitshow. even the employees seem like they’re just stranded and forgotten about on little islands, and only the real savvy ones know their way back to the stock rooms without getting lost. at von maur, you could wave to your pal in the “Better Sportswear” department without having to step a foot outside of your designated carpet area (which you actually weren’t allowed to do, unless you were going to the bathroom).

i did not work in any of these departments. i was in charge of cleaning the place, bathrooms and dock areas, sweeping the vast floors, spot removal, light bulbs. you name it. all the custodial stuff. i worked nights, so i had minimal involvement with the trucks, but i did collect transfers to other stores at the end of the night, and pack up trucks with this product. it was the first job i had where you could really get in hurt, or in trouble, if you didn’t follow procedures properly. had to lock up the truck a certain way. had to fill out the paperwork just right. had to get the million pound brick of cardboard out of the bale machine without getting crushed. had to make sure the trash compactor didn’t get all fucked up, had to make sure you were using the right chemicals on the carpets, had to learn the most efficient ways to clean all four bathrooms before any customer even noticed you closed them down. it was a very self-reliant, self-sufficient job. managers stayed out of your face because they didn’t really know what all it was you were responsible for. you carried a radio because you could be anywhere in the store at any given time, even on the roof. you were completely unfettered, you could run errands for the feeble sales associates who couldn’t leave their sections, but only if you really liked them that day. 

it was great, and the organization of the store itself helped shape your own daily routines. i worked with a few assholes, and the pay was still minimum wage, but i had a couple of pals that i looked forward to seeing every day. it was behind the scenes, but not too behind the scenes. you didn’t have to be responsible for any of the customers because your uniform said hey, i just clean the toilets lady, buzz off. the only areas of the store that really interested me were the areas i wasn’t allowed to access, which would irk anybody who has almost complete access to any room, see rooms that most managers wouldn’t even ever see. the “other” behind the scenes groups. the alterations department. the loss prevention room. there was one room called like “display” or something, which just had all of the various props and baubles they used to decorate the store with year round. they even had an entire staff dedicated to that job, but i’d see them around pretty rarely. it fascinated me seeing people who were even more hidden away than i was, and i was the guy doing shit people just took for granted. like polishing the water fountains, or cleaning the employee lunchroom microwaves.

in the end, though, it was basically a dead-end job, i mean there’s only so much you can learn about glass cleaner before you feel like it’s time to move on. some people stay at those jobs for years, whole lives, and that just doesn’t make sense to me.

3. Pizza Delivery Guy, the famous Two-Dayer

there isn’t a whole lot to say about this one. this was when i was “between colleges,” and the first time i ever tried to have a job on college campus, a school that i was not going to and had no familiarity with. it was also my only ever “spite job.” here’s the scenario leading up to it:

i was probably like twenty years old, or 19. i was involved with this high school girl i had met through??? facebook maybe, she was a quick friend of mine. her family was a real Business Starter type family, her dad and uncle had a string of restaurants that they had tried to start up here and there, with varying success. i met her around the same time i started first cooking for myself, and it was something that brought me enjoyment, so the prospect of going to business with these guys was something that began to grow on me. her uncle had just started up a new place on campus, i think it was called Fito’s, named after her grandpa. this peruvian joint with authentic peruvian street food. the first place i had ever eaten yuca fries, and i think they had an award winning salsa at some point. anyway, the plan was for me to work there as one of the cooks, which was exciting to me! because i would have a mentor and i’d be getting into a new field that i was at least partly interested in, and i’d be developing a skill that i could apply to everyday life. i was gonna be a cook. i would pop in here and there all the time, before they actually got the place up and running, having small meetings with her dad, her uncle. i wasn’t really as involved as all that, i mean, i was still just a kid.

long story short, they hired this other guy to be the cook. whatever. i didn’t have experience anyway. they wanted me to do delivery instead. i said fine, at least i get to be involved with a place i actually kind of care about. walked me through where the delivery area was going to begin and end. hadn’t quite worked out all the kinks. come back for another meeting. i’d show up for another meeting, they weren’t there, come back tomorrow. not there again, having work done. come back later. the restaurant opens. still working on setting up the whole delivery thing, just wait on it. at some point, i got really frustrated with getting yanked around by the dick all the time, so after one failed meeting, i walked two doors down the street and landed a job as a driver at this place called New York Pizza Department the very same day. job search done, you can always find an easy job in the city. i think i even started work that very same day.

the trick to the story? never trust a place that hires you the same day they meet you. if they’re that desperate to fill the role, the role probably sucks ass. and it did. my first day was on saint patrick’s day, and i did a 12 hour shift from 6pm to 6am. i was expected to learn register and some minimal oven work, but mostly do garbage work like sweeping the floors, folding boxes, yada yada. it was all kind of vague. nobody in particular trained me. i was told to just stand over somebody’s shoulder and learn how the ordering works, which didn’t do anything for me. nobody explained a damn thing. i spilled ice all over the floor trying to refill the machine, nobody had taught me the trick to it. it was a really frustrating experience because i expected to like, shadow someone, at least for like an hour or something, but there was no guidance whatsoever. i mostly sat out by the back door and pretended like i smoked. i was never introduced to the chefs, they were all mexicans that didn’t really speak english, as far as i could tell, yet i was expected to ask them for stuff. my car was parked in a mud pit in the back, and i would ruin my pants every time i climbed in. i got two parking tickets. i used my gps for everything (the days before i had a smartphone), which was unreliable, especially when some asshole student wanted a pizza in one of the address-less school buildings. it was a real mess.

i felt kinda ashamed, especially after my second day when i delivered a pizza like 2 hours late because i couldn’t find the damn place. my dad had been a delivery guy for years, and it felt really dumb that i couldn’t pick up the job for myself. it felt like i was really, really wasting my time, and the dumb place was not worth it to begin with. i only got the job to make the other guys jealous, i think. my third shift was supposed to be a 19-hour day, so i skedaddled with my sub 100 buck paycheck, where my name was misspelled. both the peruvian place and that pizza place are gone now, replaced by something else.

honorable mention: Graeter’s Ice Cream, stealing jobs from children

barely even remember this one, but i did do an ice cream kiosk at the mall for like two weeks. i quit because scooping ice cream was making my wrist hurt pretty severely, and i wasn’t aware at the time that eventually the pain stops if you just keep at it. all of my coworkers were high school kids, even the two or three people that outranked me, and it was half humiliating, half hilarious. a lot of people there were very specific with training me properly, i think teenagers love telling older people what to do, but they all said different things. i don’t think any of them actually knew the exact details of their job duties, they were all just kind of winging it. they gossiped a lot about boys at their school, which i’m pretty sure was some isolated suburb school outside of the city proper. i was 22 or 23 at the time and had very little to contribute. i don’t think i ever took the job that seriously, and pretty much quit on a whim. it was a little bittersweet, though; the day before i left, they were just about to get a real hardass old lady manager that was about to whip the place back into shape. i regret not being around for that so that i could actually figure out what i was meant to be doing, but you can’t pretend to be a kid forever, no matter how cute and young you look with your little hat and name tag.

4. Macy’s fulfillment center, dissociation at it’s finest

this job was during a kind of sad point in my life, and it was largely a desperation move on my part. i think i had just graduated college, sent out hundreds of applications for jobs “in my field,” and heard back from none of them. i had bills piling up, from somewhere, and i really needed to get back in the saddle. malls are always reliable places to get jobs, if you ever need one quick and easy, and i just wanted to get back out into the world again. i wasn’t meeting new people anymore, didn’t have any classes to look forward to, and my education was proving to be rather useless. getting back into the mall system was kind of an eye roll at this point, but i knew it was something i could do, back of the store stock work.

this time around, i was exclusively a morning man, which comes with its own requirements and adaptions. we unloaded trucks three days a week, processed damages and transfers and returns and whatnot all the other days. broke down cardboard. the entire job was basically opening up boxes, removing plastic from copies of the same coat in multiple sizes, tearing styrofoam off of handbags, clipping security rings on the expensive stuff, and calling it a day. separate everything by department and run it out onto the floor before the store opens. usually by the time the store opens, it’s time to go home. michael kors was a bad word to us stock guys, because all of his handbags had like seventeen separate pieces of plastic, tape, and styrofoam around all the various pieces of each purse, protecting every part of the bag’s anatomy from damage, dust, whatever. it was ridiculous. there were mummification jokes somewhere in there. in any case, it was a job any idiot could do. i think i was marked as a “seasonal” employee too, so i really wasn’t given a whole lot to do, or very many hours. i did eventually get a few more duties as time went on and the dock manager grew more trustworthy of me. he was this big bald guy that listened to a lot of rock music, and didn’t put up with bullshit. he had me go around the store changing the lightbulbs a few times, which is not something you just let a dummy do. at von maur, i had to maneuver this massive industrial ladder and bring a dozen different bulbs with me, know how to mark lights that had bulbs changed and needed new ballasts, knew how to remove things from various sockets, open up skylights and reach through ceiling tiles, all while not falling to my death or getting shocked. that’s how i knew this guy trusted me.

this coincided with what i would consider a mini “internship” with the duties on the second floor, where the fulfillment offices were located. fulfillment means dealing with online orders, pulling specific products and getting them processed for delivery. and by “office” i mean a room with two computers, scanners, printers a shit ton of different sized boxes and bags, bubble wrap, packing tape, and apparently a whole lot of stress. there was a single dude working up there, and during christmas time, he was overwhelmed like crazy. i think he was actually going kind of crazy, to be honest. he knew the system pretty well, but still struggled with a lot of stuff, complained like a motherfucker, sang along to the radio but made up his own lyrics because he thought it was funnier. he was annoying but i liked having him around because he knew all the secrets to this job. like a gatekeeper. i could go to any other manager in the store and they wouldn’t really know what the fuck was going on in that office, couldn’t make sense of how or why orders showed up on those computers, couldn’t navigate them without calling another store to guide them through it, which they never did. it was really weird seeing what i thought was a polished corporate system so damn shaky beneath the foundation.

anyway, the dude quit that job before things really ramped up for the season. i was the only one in the department for a long time after that, and i barely knew what i was doing. he was the gatekeeper, and he left go back to his job at the waffle house pretty much overnight. i struggled for a while. most things got sent out ok, but i had a few “express” and “two day priority” packages that sat around for a few weeks through christmas because they required some special wizardry to get those specific labels to print off the computers. basically at the beginning of each day, you’d have a list of items to collect, and would spend the rest of the time hunting for those pieces out on the store floor, bring them back to the office, bag and box them up, and process the correct labels and gift cards for each and every one. and it was a real ball ache sometimes because certain items were just impossible to find, especially if they were returns that we didn’t normally carry in the store, clearance items, fucking women’s shoes, comforters with specific thread counts, dresses with the wrong picture, or no picture at all...

i took charge, though. i stuck around, i made uncomfortable phone calls to post offices, i got down a technique for folding and packaging shirts and dresses and all kinds of random stuff, got better at finding items that would normally be lost to the void. i could find shit in departments that people who actually worked those departments could not find. i became the epitome of efficiency. i was the new gatekeeper. at the end of every day, i’d have a blank order list, because everything would be accounted for, or passed on to another store. no bullshit. definitely the most involved i had ever been at any job. nobody at that store knew how that system worked better than me.

long story short, i was still the “seasonal” guy, and i think my bosses expected i didn’t plan on working there very long. they kept replacing the fulfillment manager with other people who barely knew what they were doing, essentially requiring me, the gatekeeper, to train my bosses, which to me was just absurd. after a few months, outraged, i quit to work at a cafe, and told my manager why i was upset that i was being shafted, not given the responsibility, the hours, the sweet sweet full-time position. she was surprised, apparently, and told me she absolutely would have given it to me if she knew i was interested. a missed communication. it was too late.

i’m glad i didn’t get promoted there, anyway, or else i would probably still be stuck there. i think that position got phased out of the system (along with the entire store, eventually), replaced by having the department managers coming in like, an hour early to pick all the orders out of their separate departments. probably more efficient. and in the end, i was really only interested in the complete and total power, not in the job itself. it’s still only retail

5. The Cornerstone Cafe, welcome to the family

this was my first actual job in the food service industry, at a cafe that i frequented pretty regularly, and this was also the first place where i properly ascended “through the ranks,” as they say. my longest lasting job to date, spanned about two and a half years, i think. it was owned by this married couple from indonesia, and i was hired on to replace one of their drivers. obviously i had to fudge the details of my previous driving gig to get this one, and i still kind of lacked confidence that i was really up to the task, but at least it was in a neighborhood that i was vaguely familiar with. i was also finally working at a place where i really cared whether or not they were successful. at someplace like macy’s, graeter’s, you’re just a cog, and not a very special one. at this place, they had maybe 5 or 6 employees in total on any given day, including one or both of the owners, and each of you had to be versatile, knowledgeable, and basically on top of your shit at all times. 

even as a delivery driver, i was informed and trained on at least 3 or 4 different roles. here’s how to be a cashier. here’s how to wash the dishes in a 3 compartment sink. here’s how i need you to sweep the floors, run food to the customers, here’s how to make this drink and that drink, here’s the size of the small salad, here’s the size of the regular salad, and when you fuck up, you can be sure as hell we’re gonna get on you for it until you do it the right way. no funny business. it was the kind of direction i enjoyed, something that makes you feel secure and stable when you get it down. i memorized the menu fully in maybe two weeks, which was no small feat. on the driving side, i picked up a lot of info about how streets are laid out, which ways were east and west, which side of the street certain numbers were on, which houses tipped and which houses didn’t, which addresses were businesses, which were apartments, etc etc. every customer has a different expectation and the job trains you to adapt. think quickly. work quickly. multitask and do a dozen jobs at once. this was not a slow restaurant, folks, and if you spent too long trying to learn something, you were dead weight. a lot of dead weight got fired. a lot of dumbasses got hired, snorted coke in the bathroom, and got fired because they weren’t paying attention. even people who had been there for a few years struggled sometimes, or at least got flustered. it was hard work and really shaped my work ethic, moreso than all the nothing jobs i had before.

also the most money i’d ever made up to that point, and i felt like i was almost making like, a living? of course, i wasn’t, i just happened to be in possession of a lot of cash, like some drug dealer. delivery drivers carry a lot of cash, tips mostly, or ways to break twenties and stuff like that, and that’s what makes delivery driving one of the most dangerous jobs out there! that’s what i read, anyway. i never got mugged or anything, but i’m pretty sure i was working in a pretty pussy neighborhood. driving was the easiest part, it was easy money compared to the madness of the dish room, the front counter, the kitchen line.

it was also an intensely intimate work relationship. it was a family business. i knew every single person that worked there. i was pals with all of them. i was out of school so i could work any shift, every shift, every position. i got trained to work in the kitchen, picked it up quick. learned a lot of prep work, picked up a few dozen different ways to cut an onion or a pepper. cooked batches of hard boiled eggs like they were nothing. made sandwiches like a madman, smacked people on the hands for trying to steal a french fry, threw cashiers out of the kitchen if they were getting in my way, and made my mark as a pillar of the establishment. they really grew to depend on me, which had its positives and negatives. 

the relationships grew very personal too, which also had positives and negatives. sometimes people really grated on me, personality-wise, and i endured them the same way you would an annoying uncle. others trusted me with stuff they really shouldn’t have, became incredibly comfortable giving me their secrets. i gave rides to people. took people grocery shopping, to do their laundry, mailed packages for people, made phone calls for people who weren’t confident with their english. more than once, i’ve had to drive home the guy who makes the chinese food because he would come into work mad drunk, and he only spoke spanish, so i would have to drop him off at a kroger nearby where i thought he lived. i knew a few people pretty personally, even the owners who still cheer and recognize me to this day, still let me go in the back and make my own food if there are no objections. i’m permanently a part of that family, and i worked my way into it fair and square. they still ask me to come back and work a weekend every now and then, and i always refuse.

it was one of those jobs where eventually, you just learn how to do everything, because at some point, you gotta do everything. there were days when i would both be the sandwich chef and the driver, a really sketchy balance. days when i would be covering three people at once. there is such a thing as being too dependable, too good at your job, because then people start taking advantage of you. people calling off for nothing knowing you could probably cover for them. your boss asking you to work an extra 5 hours on any given day. the head cook quitting for a month, forcing you to do his job when you really had no interest in firing fifteen dozen bagels at six in the morning, seven days a week. and being in a position like that makes it a lot harder to leave, even when you know you have to move on to bigger and better things, when you’ve learned everything and don’t want to be stuck in one place. that was really the hard part about that place, leaving your family to figure it out for themselves. in the end, though, it’s not really your family, it’s only business. i was starting to get this idea in my head about becoming a pastry chef at the time, and i was getting antsy about being stuck there.

i quit the job on the excuse that i was going back to school to study culinary, came back a few months later anyway to work 20 hour weeks. eventually made a connection or two in college that landed me a job on the pastry team at the convention center downtown, where i work now. but i think those stories are best saved for a time when i’m not like, employed by them. i’m still looking ahead, though, and again growing anxious about moving on to develop more skills.

probably why i was thinking about those damn doughnuts at that coffee place. i feel like there’s still a lot of pastry-related stuff i need to learn, stuff that i could have picked up on along the way before getting into The Big Leagues. bakeries and cafes and grocery stores i could have worked in. tricks of the trade i missed out on. granted, i am getting a lot of that now, but the job i’m currently holding is much more suited for somebody who already had a wealth of knowledge to build off of. maybe that’s why i’m taking this weird sojourn into “well, what have i actually learned so far?” trying to work at a bakery at this point feels like i’m going backwards, settling for less money to pick up skills i should already know. the next logical would be, i don’t know, a country club i guess? people always ask about starting my own bakery, and i know i’m not ready for that. sometimes i feel like i still don’t know a damn thing about food creation, how flavors go together. the more difficult techniques, decorating cakes and sugar work. even with simple techniques i’m sure i could use some refinement. and i’m always worthless when my boss comes to me for help with writing a menu. i don’t have tricks in my back pocket beyond what i’ve learned there, and i’m not as studious as i should be with trying new recipes in my personal time. depression gets in the way of that pretty regularly.

anyway, that’s all i can think to write for now. i know it’s a pretty worthless read, but sometimes you just gotta write for writing’s sake.

[hahaha1d0that]

Let me start by saying that I apologize for the coming post. I know a lot of people love the Star Wars sequel trilogy and characters, but I’m angry about this right now.

Disclaimer: This argument is based solely on the movies, NOT Resistance/comics/books/etc.!!

As a Star Wars fan, I am very disappointed in the sequel trilogy. There are many problems with it.

The fact that J.J. Abrams admitted that the trilogy would have been better if they had a plan

The three movies are not very cohesive in telling one story/there seems to be no one superior goal in mind to accomplish by the end of the trilogy

The characters development is nearly nonexistent and honestly pathetic

The characters had so much wasted potential

The amount of fan service was astounding and it still doesn’t make up for the other atrocities of this trilogy

The story wasn’t very compelling

Making money was the primary objective

There are many good things in the trilogy and things that I liked but overall it is my least favorite part of Star Wars. It makes me angry simply because its so repetitive and confusing.

Was Snoke a Sith Lord? If he was, why wasn’t it made clear to the audience in the movies he is supposed to be a major villain in? If he wasn’t, then bringing Palpatine back breaks the Sith Rule of Two. How did he rise to power? Who is he? Where was he throughout the franchise?

These are questions about one character, that anyone might have after just watching the movies.

Who formed the First Order and when? How did it become as powerful as the Empire? How was the New Republic reduced to almost nothing over a couple decades?

The storytelling is so incomplete. There are so many gaps and plot holes.

The antagonist across the trilogy is whiny, not very intimidating, has a poorly developed origin story, and questionable motives that are so vague that it is difficult to inderstand his reasoning and beliefs. In the end, he is redeemed only to die after some slight consideration and persuasion from the main protagonist. So he rethinks his entire life and trauma because a woman told him he could do better? That’s not how real disturbed people think…

The main villain of the third movie wasn’t even present (or even known to be alive) for the first two movies in the trilogy. The movie starts and all of the sudden “somehow…palpatine returned.” That’s it?? That’s the explanation? How did he survive? How did he get to Exegol? How did all of those star destroyers get on Exegol? The Empire was gone, his army was dismantled, few lotalists remained. Was he cloned? Because honestly, I’ve seen the movie several times and I’m still confused. It doesn’t make any sense.

Not only is Palpatine alive, but the main protagonist is his granddaughter. So much for ‘you don’t have to be somebody to be important, as long as you work hard, you can achieve anything.’ Now Rey has force abilities that she never had before (or that didn’t even exist in the franchise before this)?

Rey’s character is so tragic because she had so much potential and it was wasted. She was abandoned as a child and is forced to scavenge around dangerous wreckage to make a living supporting herself on one of the worst planets in the galaxy. Does she hold that against her parents? No, she hopes that her parents will come back for her. She gets anxious when she’s been gone for a while because she’s afraid they’ll finally come when she’s away. She never let herself become bitter or hateful. She was hopeful, innocent, and passionate. However, her character develops to make it her personal mission to take on the First Order and Kylo Ren if it’s the last thing she does and she’s plagued by stubbornness and self awareness of her power and strength as a Jedi.

This annoys me deeply. Her character never really progressed from this from TLJ to ROS either. It’s almost like its a different person from TFA Rey, despite TLJ immediately following TFA in the timeline.

I’d also like to point out that Poe’s character was also shit on by the writers, especially in ROS. For the first two and a half movies his entire character can be summed up as: I’m a hotshot flyboy; I want to fight no matter the consequences; I fly X-wings; I have an adorable droid that I am highly protective over. That’s it. And then, in ROS, suddenly its revealed that he was a former criminal and drug smuggler?? Poe? Poe Dameron?? What?

How about Finn’s character only being in the background to yell “REYYYY” whenever she puts herself in harms way (which is often). The amazing lightsaber duel against Kylo Ren? In which Finn held his own for a decently long time considering he had little to no training with a weapon of that kind against someone proficient in the ways of the dark side (which typically made force users more ruthless in their attacks)? Doesn’t matter. The hints of his force-sensitivity? What hints? Finn, a Jedi?? Hahaha, no.

Dont even get me started on Rose. Great backstory, sister sacrificed herself for the cause during a desperate hour and saved the day, but in doing so left her grieving sister behind. Beautiful. Rose was such a big part of TLJ’s plot and then she’s just kinda there for ROS...it’s sad. Not to mention the romance between Rose and Finn that was never developed??

You know what, all of the protagonists were done dirty, as well as their actors. It’s clear what Disney’s goal was: making money, and lots of it. How do we convince people to buy movie tickets/merchandise/toys/etc.?? Well, let’s cast some minority actors/actresses to make people think they’re going to be represented only for the white man‘s character to be the most developed by the end of the trilogy. Daisy Ridley (a woman), John Boyega (a Black man), Oscar Issac (a Latino man), and Kelly Marie Tran (an Asian woman) were cast as protagonists. And who got the most attention/praise/development? Adam Driver (a White man). Dont get me wrong, Adam Driver is a great actor and he did an amazing job with what he was given, but really?

Even the returning characters were poorly handled. Luke’s character development is controversial so I’ll stay away, but Han?? So they decided after ROTJ that Han was the type to leave his wife and son to travel with his best friend?? Uh ok

The sequel trilogy’s plot, if you can even say that, is so repetitive to the original trilogy it’s embarrassing. A force-sensitive main protagonist, whose parents abandoned them and left them to live on a desert planet to avoid the truth about their family heritage, met an old guy that was significant earlier in his life, went on a quest with him which effectively roped them into fighting the fascist dictatorship controlling the galaxy that they previously didn’t give a shit about, teamed up with an ex-imperial deserter along the way, was trained by a different old guy that was also significant earlier in his life but decided to exile himself and live in seclusion because some of his padawans were murdered by the Skywalker villain, learned the truth about their family and the darkness within their blood, became a great unofficial Jedi knight anyways, destroyed weapons capable of obliterating entire planets, and eventually defeated Palpatine by teaming up with the main Skywalker antagonist that sacrificed themselves to save the main protagonist’s life. Sound familiar?

It’s truly sad. If you look into George Lucas’ plan for the sequel trilogy before he sold Star Wars to Disney, you’ll find that it’s much better different from what we got and it is actually pretty similar to what The Mandalorian is trying to portray. (Maul was brought back from the dead to be the sequel trilogy’s big bad guy but we never got it)

[sobdasha]

i got caught up with this not because i did better but because i’ve had no time/watched some tv

War for the Oaks, Emma Bull I began reading this book at the same time as The Innkeeper's Song, listed below. I started out dragging my feet on this one and racing through TIS. But one book got progressively more amazing while the other book got progressively less impressive and my better book is this one. This was the roomie's first brush with urban fantasy, and one of her friends got her a second-hand first edition paperback, and so she talked about it a lot until I finally picked it up and she said "Uh but also I haven't read it in forever so I uh. Don't know how it holds up." (She rightly fears me because as you will have noticed I am a Very Particular Reader.) Reasons I disliked this book at first: - fashion choices that scream "1980s" and fashion choices that scream "lesbian" are incredibly similar and guess which of the two I am not getting, seeing as this was published in 1987. - Eddie is breaking up with her garbage boyfriend which is good but she has an incredible amount of chemistry with Carla which is disheartening given that I know I won't get sapphics and Eddie will end up dating some other boy with whom there is no chemistry. - This is a book about rock-n-roll bands I don't know any of these songs (okay I might know these songs but I don't know artists or titles so I may as well not know any of these songs) it's kinda wasted on me. - oh boy I'm so excited to watch her and the phouka fight like Kagome and Inuyasha or any other pair with this dynamic yaaaaay /sarcasm Reasons this came to be a Good Read: - Everyone dresses so goddamn queer in this book that you know what, everyone except that jerkass Stuart is queer. He's garbage so he can be straight or whatever. It's my reading experience I do what I want. There's no way these people aren't bi. Also it's canon because everyone takes one look at the phouka and assumes he's gay. …………………………with slurs but still. - Good supporting cast. - I both failed to give the phouka a deep voice and also to sustain a Stereotypical Gay voice (which, the dialogue will totally 100% support), but I did accidentally voice him with Tatum's dub of Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss which was completely appropriate in the "vaguely gay vaguely British unambiguously prissy" department, and also entertaining because it reminded me of the dynamics in that anime but, y'know, better. - I almost gave up when the romance hit hardcore but it turned out later that was actually a fake-out that was meant to be garbage and set us up for the endgame much later, by which point Eddie and the phouka actually had the same level of chemistry as Eddie and Carla, so I could actively enjoy the ship. A win! Anyway it was fun. It may not have aged the best in the sense that it strove to be accurate to time and place (see: homophobic slurs), but the character dynamics held up pretty dang well. I would definitely read this again and enjoy myself; in fact I plan to.

The Innkeeper's Song, Peter S. Beagle I was very excited to read this because I was so blown away by The Last Unicorn but the more I read the more disappointed I got. Half the time I feel like that weeb who is like "hello I only like your fanfic you wrote when you were 13 and high on pixie stixs, all your stuff now sucks", and half the time I tell myself, "Maybe there is a reason I've only ever heard of The Last Unicorn and had no idea he'd actually written other books." As you have probably picked up by now, I have a knee-jerk dislike of first person PoV where it must prove itself worthy to me first, despite the fact that I like plenty of things written in first person. I also have a knee-jerk dislike of "I will change the narrator every chapter and announce loudly who it is instead of doing it subtly but unmistakably in the content of the text itself." This book had both. Despite all my harsh judgment, it would be incorrect of me to say that this writing choice is not valid. That this writing choice cannot be used to amazing effect. I do not believe that is what happened here. I did not feel it was adding much to the story to begin with (other than being the shortest and straightest path to advancing a narrative with many fronts), and I was definitely unimpressed when we got to the string of chapters, all of them less than a page and some no more than a paragraph, during the orgy scene where the 3 women have sex with 1 teen boy who's been thirsting after them, and they pay him a lot of worshipful attention in the orgy even though none of them actually like him, and also this is when we reveal one of the women is a man in disguise in the most confusing way possible so my cringe got even deeper as I waited for Beagle to fuck up a trans storyline. (It was literally just "I'm on the run so I'm magically dressing as a girl" but it took a really long time to clarify that after.) In addition to not liking the narrative structure, I just wasn't interested or invested in the actual plot. It didn't feel very urgent or important and at the end I was like "what even happened and also why did it happen." I was underwhelmed. I was definitely the wrong audience for this book. Oh also because I was not enjoying myself I started to get really irrationally annoyed by the way fantasy fauna and flora would have fantasy names and they would be italicized. In a first person PoV. Where the narrator is literally speaking the language that this word is native to. It half felt pretentious, and half highlighted what felt like a loose thread: everyone is literally narrating to someone (presumably collecting the story, after everyone has gone their separate ways) and this has all been woven together into a proper narrative, but our story collector is absent despite addresses to such a person. What purpose does this serve? Does it make it more ~authentic~ fantasy? Because I don't buy it. Now my suspension of disbelief is snapped; I'd have preferred it was either left out entirely, or made into a brilliant framing device like in The Name of the Wind.

Giant Bones, Peter S. Beagle This one was short stories "set in the same universe as The Innkeeper's Song", which basically meant some city names were reused, as well as all those italicized fantasy names and the "I am narrating my story to an audience in-story" frame. You know, all the things I didn't particularly care for. I pressed on to see if there was anything I might like, but since I can't remember, I assume there wasn't. Because this left me wanting, and the title was Giant Bones, I went to reread Conservation of Shadows by Lee instead, starting with "The Bones of Giants," which was greatly preferable, so much more my speed. That's when I did the write-up for the last round of books lol.

Nimona, Noelle Stevenson This has been on my list for Forever but I'm bad at reading new books. Anyway! Nimona was very good!! It felt, hm, very self-indulgent in the way that is amazing, where the creator gives themself whatever they want and the work turns out brilliantly because of it. I didn't think I was into friends to enemies to lovers but apparently I love it wen Stevenson handles it (see: She Ra reboot). Speaking of She Ra, I probably would have figured out where the end game was going if I'd read Nimona before looool. I know people referenced it when they talked ships but I just….didn't...pay enough attention. There was found family stuff I enjoyed, dad stuff, I'm finding that I am liking a lot of takes on monster girls, etc. Anyway it gave me a lot of feelings, it was funny, it was good, I need to get a copy.

The Dragon Pearl, Yoon Ha Lee The first time I talked about this book I mentioned something about the pacing and suspending disbelief or whatever, but I want to note that this time the pacing felt perfect and the plot didn't seem weird at all, it flowed very smoothly. I don't know if that's because it was a reread and I knew where it was going, or because I just read it awkwardly the first time. Anyway. Something that stood out to me this time is that, near the end, I realized this story is a bit animated Disney Mulan. There's even the "you broke this you broke that you impersonated a soldier but also you saved China so thanks" bit. Where The Dragon Pearl is wildly different from other Mulan-type stories that I like (see: Monstrous Regiment) is that it is entirely ungendered. (There are some mentions of gender in the book. These amount mostly to, "most foxes choose to be female because Tradition but one of my cousins decided to be male like my brother and no one mocks him for it" and "official name tags also include handy signifiers of which personal pronouns a person prefers.") What I'm trying to say is, a lot of other stuff when dealing with/trying to deconstruct gender stereotyping, ends up reinforcing it in a way. In order to illustrate why the stereotypes are wrong, they end up repeating the stereotypes a lot in order to argue against them. The Dragon Pearl, on the other hand, is genderless in a way that doesn't reinforce the gender binary. There are no gendered clothes. There are no gendered bathrooms. There are no gendered hairstyles or accessories. There are no gendered actions or emotions or stereotypes. There are no gendered bodies (the differences highlighted between Min and Jang-who-she's-shapeshifting-into are of build ie, height, center of gravity, not of private bits). No plot points revolve around the maleness of the person Min is impersonating; no plot points revolve around the femaleness of Min. And they/them? It's never explained why any person uses that pronoun. They just do so that's just how it is. I just think this is amazingly neat and I wanna applaud Lee for this finesse.

The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue, Mackenzi Lee I put this on my list because Queer and people were recommending it, but it was not well-advertized to me. I was expecting shallow teen romance, but dressed in historical clothes and unsubtly, unabashedly, unashamedly GAY. So I was expecting some gay. I was not expecting gay pining I actually enjoyed, I was not expecting call-outs for privilege of wealth and class and sex and color, I was not expecting the drama of the romance to not be stupidly fabricated misunderstandings but instead be driven by the need for character development and personal growth, I had forgotten I was expecting people of color, people with disabilities, badass women, I was not expecting a nuanced call-out of ableism ("I don't believe I need to be well to be happy", etc). I was not expecting a reversal of gender stereotypes that avoided saying "X gender is bad." Like, Monty is the team weakest link. Monty faints at the sight of blood. Monty is romantic and emotional and swoons at the slightest provocation. Monty uses his wiles to seduce people, that's the main skill he actually brings to the party. Monty cries. Aside from probably Monty's asshole dad who hates him for being gay, no one else nor the narrative calls these traits out as being Feminine (And Therefore Bad). Like, haha, We All Know These Are All Stereotypes Of Women At The Time, but no one says it. I find there's something really nice about no one saying it. Meanwhile, Percy and Felicity are competent and cool and I heart them. (What the hell, I heart Monty too. He really grows on you. He's so soft and in love and pathetic.) Anyway going back to the privilege thing, I love that Percy and Felicity and others constantly call Monty out on his privilege and refuse to coddle him over it. But they also care about him and they are very tender to him, not because of his privilege, but because he is a person who deserves basic person things, when he has his own issues. Your issues don't excuse your behavior, but yikes we deeply underestimated the sheer depth of your PTSD and we're gentler with you because of it. So try to stop being an ass. This book is just super wholesome and I can already tell this will be one of my new go-to's when I need a comfort book. Like Ancillary Justice etc.

The Gentleman's Guide to Getting Lucky, Mackenzi Lee This is not a fanfiction in the sense that is it written by the author and not a fan, but you need to understand, as part of me selling this to you as earnestly as I can, this is a fanfiction set after The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue which involves hijinks as Monty and Percy try and fail hilariously to have their first time having sex together, Felicity tries to wingman, there are miscommunications and nervous breakdowns and tender resolutions and it is absolutely a perfect indulgence. Because it was written by the actual author everyone is 100% in character and the narrative voice is spot-on. Kudos!

The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy, Mackenzi Lee Ace/aro Felicity???? ACE/ARO FELICITY!!! TBH I only vaguely remembered the descriptions for this one, ie "this time it's lesbians," and I was reading this going "there is a suspicious lack of lesbians but so much platonic vibes and also…..maybe…..maybe…????" and like I got both lesbians AND ace/aro Felicity????? Lee wrote this book? As a gift? For me???? I cannot believe I was blessed with "not like other girls"!Felicity as a vehicle for calling out the internalized misogyny inherent in the Not Like Other Girls mindset, and it is glorious. You can like pretty dresses and running around doing science, or you can hate dresses and only love science, or you can only like pretty dresses, or you can like whatever the heck you want in whatever combo, doesn't matter you're still a girl you're still valid and this shit isn't mutually exclusive. Much as I don't wear makeup (I've slowly learned to wear dresses again) in real life, gosh I love Johanna for being like "I love dresses and I love science and what if I was a badass adventurer but also got to be rescued a lot" because that was bitty me. Gimme a princess dress and a sword and a bow and arrows but also a tower to be rescued from and then various adventures. I want it both ways! And that's okay!! Also this is a critique I have apparently wanted since at least 3rd grade, see this proof from my daily journal prompts, I apologize for my lack of attention to spelling and forming letters: "Girls are what ever girls are. Girls like different things so I con't judge them all. Some girls like barbies. Just becaus you my not like barbies dosn't mean those girls aren't girls, it means they like more things that hove barbies. I like nintendo and I'm a girl." Apparently I was a Not Like Other Girls who thought Other Girls were still extremely valid. (that's kind of hilarious though because like, child, you had Barbies and didn't hate Barbies, you are just bad at playing with dolls and props. You're also bad at playing Nintendo.) Other stuff specifically, hm, it was refreshing to not have "I am skinny and perfect and clearly ugly" or even "I am legitimately ugly." Instead we have, "You do realize my torso is a solid rectangle, it laughs at this corset which I guess we are going to put on anyway, also my football player shoulders are going to literally pop the sleeves off that dress" and "I am built like a corgi dog, this is simply a fact of my proportions." Like, Felicity definitely has Issues with her traditional femininity and lack thereof, but I feel like it was never specifically tied to "my body shape is ugly." Also to go back to this book being written for me personally. You know they always say to write things that only you could write, that are self-indulgent, write what you want to see? It's really hard to do without a template to follow. Right before I picked up this book I realized that maybe The Thing Only I Would Write would be saying "a Skadi-and-Njord marriage is in fact a valid happy ending," but I've never seen that before and I don't know what it would look like even if I kind of understand the concept. All the media I consume, if not ending in romantic soulmates, is at least found family. If you are a loner, if you like being alone, your happy ending is to get a manic-pixie-dream-anything (girl, grandson, grandma, dog, whathaveyou) and integrate back into being social. There are no happy endings where a loner stays alone, where you get married but live separately and see each other very rarely because you love them but can't stand to live with them and you need to be alone to exist as you. And Mackenzi Lee just up and wrote it. It's valid to want to live in a house by yourself filled with bookshelves and have friends. It's valid for a girl to marry another girl who is a pirate and sails around most of the time and only comes to visit on occasion so you don't get sick of her and you keep loving her. This is an okay thing for an ace/aro to want, and it's valid to be happy with this. I can't even, y'all. I'm still marveling. I finally have seen a picture of the life I know would make me happy, and it's finally been acknowledged that I can be happy. (The amount of time I've spent, knowing I hate being social, and wondering--how many years down the line, when I'm living alone and content, will the switch suddenly flip? How many bridges will I have left behind when it turns out that I actually feel loneliness, and I'm miserable and unable to make friends and it turns out there are no manic pixie dream whatevers in real life and I fucked myself over forever because I was wrong and I should have been maintaining these social ties now and turning into someone I'm sure I'm not? What if people like me, who don't really get lonely without people, don't actually exist??) Anyway representation matters. Also Felicity being blindsided with Callum's proposal was, wow, okay I should have caught on to ace!Felicity then because that was so very accurate to my life experience minus people cutting fingers off. Look I was quoting stuff at the end to a friend and she was like "maybe that's why there's aces on the cover" and I am a very stupid ace okay. Felicity and Johanna's intense queerplatonic friendship that they keep trying to take up again in among the same sort of "you need character growth" drama that Monty needed re: Percy is also just, chef kiss, god I love this book. I need to buy this book. I haven't yet so what I did is I renewed all the books so I could immediately reread them after I finished them the first time.

[buzzmemes]

I hate this

I hate this : Memes

your passport photo and copy of passport At my school, the homework was to color the picture. So very true... In my school it’s so bad, the teacher projects it on the whiteboard ah, nightmares Soo true XD They say that because you cropped it out. And that is a fact They use plotters I get it! Lol that’s good shit Im sory Toad The homework that steals your time and your lunch money 99% of sane teachers shows u the color image on smart board No teachers want to show u crappy print Just understand it. Color printer is expensive. You’re telling me that teachers give out free black children? Bet, already got three in the basement itsa me, Noir-io Facts tho It'sa me, a-Copyo! We all make mistakes in the heat of passion, Jimbo. Come back in ten years And they pop in a “do you see the ... in the picture” question Why mario on the right looks like he's about to wake me up at 3 am saying with deep demonic voice It's time for me to turn you into my spaghetti Is this the new "We have ____ at home" ? Since im in school this is to relatable The math graphs were the worst though 30 years of saving princesses, 30 years of smashing brown mushrooms. And for what? Cake? Mario!? Why does this remind me of the fearsome Llapp Goch Master. There's a good chance this is unique! I checked 103,921,185 image posts and didn't find a close match Whenever I got bad copies I'd always split the best copies around the room so every student was at least near a good copy and keep a bad one for myself... Remember when you were the chosen one to go out of class and get em papers wonderful If Mario was in Papers, Please AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA printer companies: see you little shits? this is why your printer needs colored cartridges! My name is paublo Yes Is that pablo It's supposed to be not centered Based on a true story Itsa me, Marijuanio! he looks so sad:( NVM took a secound look he looks like he bout to ask me if i wanna buy WEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDD Kinda looks like Hitler though Noah get the Death Star. My kindergarten teacher wife has to print shit at home for this reason. Effectively costs $300/year in paper/ink and another $100 to replace whatever broken down color ink printer we have in a given year. I want her to transition to laser, but haven't been able to convince her. More like the board of Education, principal and superintendents wanting another raise so the kids get B&W copies. At our large school we have 1 color copier, the rest are black and white. More often than not, kids are not getting color copies. Budget. Why is this too true Don't you be knocking LaserJet. Those things were a tank whose toner lasted a long time. DeskJet is what you are looking for. Made with HP LaserJet 100 color MFP Same Mario on the right side looks like sleep paralysis demon, ngl. Mario and Noireio. Top 10 hollywood stars ruined by drug addiction. It looks like if he ran into me he'd try to stuff me into an animatronic suit where I belong Mario looks like he's going to go on a mugging spree Too true Me looking at my paper: HERE WE GOOOO One more gram common u can do it is fentanyl the new drug to go? i only appy the fentanyl patches on them cancer patients at work, so they don't suffer 24/7. a couple of months ago there was a problem at our elderly home, bc some crazies tried to dig them used patches out of our trash..have fun with patches which are covered in shit and piss You should have done 64 or 69 Bro youd die before you even got through half a gram of fentanyl wtf do you even know what fentanyl is lmao A true epic gamer moment God I wish I had some pure fent Issa me, Black tar heroin Mario! Come with me and meet my gang of druga dealers! I really Was expecting a rickroll lmao And this is probably what he's listening to on his alone time https://youtu.be/ijBrulQXE2U It me mrio I jst snrted one mre grm and I jst deid DO IT FOR THE GRAM Go ahead and do another gram just one more gram Legendary The homework that steals your time and your lunch money............... Luigi says: do the coke to get the smoke Betta tell your moms your dads your ministers... WOOOMP WOOOMP WOOOMP!!!! Justa what me the Doctor Mario prescribed Mama mia I a need a more of that a shit YAHOOOOOO!!!! And remember kids - when you do drugs, you go to hell before you die! It’s a me druggooo Mario! I have snorted 68 grams of pure fentanyl and I am going to die. Itsame itsame I’m literally studying for an exam right now and my professor put that on his own notes... like bro nobody gives a shit about your stats notes I had a professor just say “don’t waste your money on the book. Just google book name pdf and it should be the first link.” Then he did in in class go show us And then you have the ones that sell their own 40 page notes in 2 sections for €20 each at the college book store. Or the ones that make class notes and give them out in the first class. Even better are the ones that accidentally send a pdf of their own book that they make no money on due to a shitty publisher to one or two people in the class. my favorite kinds of professors A full commitment is what I'm thinking of A lot of emulators come with a warning like "Use a bios file from your own console. Do not download one for free from the Internet!" I saw something on TIL a while back, during the prohibition era of the United States, some companies sold grape concentrate. They had a warning on them that said something to the effect of "after adding the concentrate to water, do not let it sit for two weeks as it will ferment into wine." As if...they wanted you to do it! That's a pretty calculated statement for them to make. *mobile errors I had calculus profs who would tell us 'I legally cannot advise you to steal copywrited material so under no circumstances should you go to this website and torrent the textbook for free instead of buying it from the overpriced book store and wasting your money' I always love those blank pages that just have in like size i font "Do not write here" for no fucking reason. Then the teacher tells you that they didn't see it I like when it’s in huge, WHITE print in the middle of the fucking page so half the assignment is cut off I like when it says on the side of the paper COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL DO NOT PHOTOCOPY OR DISTRIBUTE BY ANY MEANS Or the "here's a form that was made in Excel, if you could fill it out so that we can input the information back in Excel that would be great." "yeah..." "But the image gets worse!" Work in Japan. Teachers give me a copied paper. "just copy it. They have the file on their damn computer. Which is where we are sitting. -20 points. I can’t even read the damn question At my school, we get lectured for printing a class set rather than just a master. They say it’s about toner being cheaper and the copier cartridges are much much bigger. There are also a lot of places where teachers don't have access to a shared laser printer like that and don't have any option but to make photocopies, so stuff like the OP can be unavoidable sometimes. Genuinely not a problem in my school - we have a fleet of MFDs for bulk printing. We have an admin assistant in charge of the reprographics room who can interrupt jobs if needed as well. It's just an old mindset that they can't get out of. Yeah but then you have to be the asshole that released a print job with 200+ pages while others are waiting to use the copier since this is the only one you can print to. What is full sending? huzzah, a man of quality Have you tried full sending it? From an IT perspective, usually it's not that they want you to know what triggered the problem, they want you to provide concise information on what exactly you were doing up until the issue occurred. Though I do understand that IT technicians are notoriously unsociable lol I'm sure thats a great suggestion but that's the thing is that IT acts like its up to the enduser to already know whats causing the issues and what needs to be done to fix it. Also this doesn't solve his/her issue of getting staples on the copies. Have your IT reinstall your driver and you can select the options that your printer has. likely you are on a global driver, or it wasn't installed correctly! Or if I want staples. We can only select staples on our copier itself. It would be easier if the print queue thing was reliable. But I can't keep running back to my room if it didn't send it, so I make extra copies from my first one. Or if I need front/back from different originals I work in IT support for a school - teachers, for some fucking reason beyond my understanding, seem to print one copy of something, then photocopy it for their classes. Telling them that just printing it for everyone keeps the quality better doesn't sink in. It costs the same, comes out of the same device, and it's less work, but I'm the insane one. Th s rin er se ms o æ run ing lo n ink To the knee And my axe! And my sword! Take mine too! Fuck off take a useless arrow Actually it seems this printer is low on incas. Damn u incas "I'm so sorry kids, our ancient printer is not working properly again" Read the full article

[curlyshepards]

LITERALLY i want all of them for curly shepard

IM SORRY TO THE MOBILE USERS WHO THIS WILL NOT APPEAR UNDER A READ MORE FOR

What does their bedroom look like?

idk why i’m such a firm believer of this BUT: tim and curly share a room, so typically half of it is clean and the other half (curly’s half) is a fucking mess all the time

Do they have any daily rituals?

every day for lunch at school him & his friends just go under the bleachers and drink. unfortunately curly has no limits so when lunch is over he usually just ends up ditching the rest of the day to go continue drinking somewhere else

Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

he doesn’t make a conscience effort to exercise, but he walks basically everywhere when tim has the car. so he’s in pretty good shape bc of that & bc of fighting

What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

curly has never made dinner a day in his life and will never make an attempt to nor does anyone want him to. if theres nothing already made at the house he’ll either just go without or go to the diner

Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

he’s a generally messy person, but he takes pride in his looks so he takes care of himself. he’s always clean shaven and smells really good. his room, however, is a disaster scene

Eating habits and sample daily menu

usually not awake for breakfast, and for lunch he’ll scrap up whatever he can find in his house (probably ends up being a sandwich or cereal) and for dinner he’ll follow tim somewhere and make him buy him dinner. he loves eating at the diner and never underestimate his ability to eat breakfast meals at 11 o clock at night

Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

his sole reason for going to school is to waste time (thats what he tells everyone at least but its rlly because tim will not let him drop out) but if hes not in school then he’s probably just walking around his neighborhood w/ his friends or hanging out at the strip trynna start fights

Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

dont.....really know what this means. all im thinkin about is that chocolate stuff. but he likes chocolate so lets go with that. he could eat 50 kit kats in a row, probably

Makeup?

makeup sex? absolutely. he’ll start a fight with his boo just for the sex

Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

i honestly dont see him having a mental illness

Intellectual pursuits?

intellectual isn’t really his thing. BUT  i can see him really liking labs and stuff

Favorite book genre?

he hATES reading, but mostly because he’‘s dyslexic and he was brought up thinking that he was dumb bc he had trouble reading. ponyboy is the one that ends up helping him, though, and sometimes he’ll read to curly (action books bc they’re the only ones that’ll keep curly’s attention. there are numerous times he regrets the decision bc curly cant keep quiet for more than a few minutes.)

Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

(i can already see the purly supporters @’ing me yikes) but PERSONALLY i think he’s straight. idk what this means by thoughts on s.o. in general but im bisexual ??? idc about sexual orientation ??

Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

he’s got a lot of scars, mostly on his knuckles but a few up and down his arms. he’s deathly allergic to seafood but doesn’t care bc it looks gross to him anyway.

Biggest and smallest short term goal?

biggest: honestly just making it through another day is an achievement to him

smallest: he swears that one day he will beat sodapop curtis in a drag race

Biggest and smallest long term goal?

biggest: being as respected as tim is when he’s older

smallest: he will own a puppy at some point

Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

white t-shirt, jeans, tennis shoes, and if its not too hot then a leather jacket. he hates jean jackets tho and WILL make fun of anyone who wears them

Favorite beverage?

beer. but also pepsi. hes weird.

What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

we’re about to get deep. on good nights he just thinks about his day. there’s never a boring time with him, so he’s always got a lot to think about. he could be thinking about a girl he’s met or just hooked up with, or about what his friends got into. on bad nights though, he thinks about his dad and how he never got to know him. he thinks about how maybe he’ll never be like tim, and he’ll never be the brother that angie falls back on (that doesn’t bother him as much as it should, but it still pops into his mind) the number one thing that keeps him awake is never amounting to the shepard name

Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

just stupidity. he broke a lot of bones, needed a lot of stitches, and was bed bound too many times to count. there was one incident that tim loves to tell: the first time curly got into a fight. the guy was two times bigger than curly, but he didn’t care. the fight was done in 5 minutes, and curly had his first broken nose

Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

turn ons: i can see him really liking outgoing girls/ girls that are upfront. also neck kisses, collarbone kisses, hair pulling, back scratching

turn offs: daddy kink (seriously, its gross, stop forcing this on my son. he already has enough daddy issues) but nothing else really he will do basically anything

Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

either a very crude & poorly done drawing or a sign that says “curly is the hottest shepard”

How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

he is NOT. it doesnt really bother him that hes disorganized, but it drives tim up the wall. he’s always getting onto curly for being a slob

Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

he doesn’t really care, but since he’s forced to go to school he might as well enjoy something, which ends up being the labs in science. he likes the dissections, mostly, but he thinks looking into the microscopes are cool too (mostly bc him and his friends make shapes out of the slides)

How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

alive, hopefully

Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

he kinda just takes it day by day and doesnt care about the future. hes a strong believer that things will fall into place if theyre supposed to happen

What is their biggest regret?

probably being too emotional and not toughening up enough when he was younger

Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

SO this is an OC but his best friend is a guy in the gang named brian. his worst enemy is also in the gang and his name is jimmy and he fucking hates that kid.

Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

he’s probably the one that caused the disaster, so he immediately tries to fix it on his own. which usually works, but it leaves a mess behind that he’ll attempt (and fail) to cover up. a few hours later he’ll get chewed out by tim.

Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

so lets say tim dies. tim is the only person that curly is really close to, because if there’s one thing that he learned from his brother it’s to never let anyone too close. but he always thought that tim would be there for him so he worshipped him. but ANYWAY tim dies and curly shuts down. i can honestly see him losing it bc tim was all curly ever knew, he was always there to fix the mess curly got himself in and now he’s just kinda alone in the world. he’d still have the gang, but they’d remind him too much of his brother, so he’d eventually cut ties with them. it’d take a major, new person to bring him out of his stump, and thats if he ever really brings himself back to normal

Most prized possession?

the hand-me-down leather jacket tim gave him

Thoughts on material possessions in general?

doesnt really care about them bc he doesnt have a lot. he likes the things with meaning, but couldnt care less about expensive & nice things

Concept of home and family?

hes VERY family oriented and a huge mama’s boy, but he hates his step dad. he’d do anything to protect angela and anything that tim asked him. family always comes first with him

Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

it kinda depends. on his sexual life hes really TMI, but about emotions and family and secrets he’s really private. you could count on one hand the amount of people that he’s told private stuff to, and even then they don’t know the full story. i think the only people who would ever truly know him are tim and his significant other

What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

football!! and hes actually good at it. tim never plays tho so the only time he gets to is with the curtis gang

What makes them feel guilty?

fucking up on a gang job and letting tim down

Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

more emotional!! that’s the biggest difference between curly and tim. tim will think of the long-term effects before making a decision, where curly is more of an “act now, think later” type person. his decisions are usually the wrong ones, but they make for a better story

Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

i’d wanna say type B, because he is super laid back and easy going and isn’t really competitive (unless its for a joke)

What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

getting away for a while. he loves driving and ive always seen him as having a little secluded spot that he goes to by himself during his teenage years. eventually though he finds the right person that he can take, and just being with them makes him feel better

Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

neither tbh. he may think that he’s better than some greasers (because honestly he is) but he doesnt think of himself as above other classes. he finds it unfair that socs and middle class people have a superiority complex, so it’d be dumb for him to have one. he just thinks everyone should be equal (but he knows theyre not, and for that reason he’ll fight any soc he can get his hands on)

How misanthropic are they?

hes very easy to get along with if you come from the same type of neighborhood. he’s open to everyone that’s cool with his gang, but he’ll be the worst kind of person to rival gangs and rich people. so he doesnt dislike people, because he can be a really cool guy, you just have to come from his streets

Hobbies?

football, fighting, drinking, poker. y’know, d00d stuff

How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

he graduates high school and thats it. and he definitely values self education more, the stuff he’s learned by himself ahve been more useful to him than the Pythagorean theorem ever will be  

Religion?

he believes in a god but never really thinks about it. hes not religious by any means but i think it kinda comforts him knowing something comes after life

Superstitions or views on the occult?

he doesnt believe in superstitions imo!!

Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

both. he’ll talk a big game and then follow through with his promises

If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

THE QUESTION IVE BEEN WAITING FOR OK if curly ever fell in love, it’d be with someone making him feel okay with being him. they’d make him want to be a better man & not just a mini tim. they’d have to accept that curly would always idolize his brother, but they’d also help him detach a little. they’d love him for him and accept the fact that they can’t change him. they’d probably be just as wild as he is, bc they’d have to keep up with his lifestyle. they couldn’t take life too seriously and would never know what the future had in store for them. i can see curly eventually being able to be romantic, but it’d never be in public

How do they express love?

kisses, holding hands, little acts of kindness (giving them something that reminded him of them, asking how their day was, remembering little things)

If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

daddy came to win

Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

nah i dont think he is. i think he’s kinda accepted that there is a very real possibility that he won’t make it past 30 w the way he’s living, so that’s why he takes it day by day