#I know it'll be okay but I'm also sick to death of saying it'll be okay and just grinning and bearing it

[freakwiththeknifecollection]

When Dean said I need a damn win. Emotionally I am there

[rockatanskette]

Semi-related to my post on how human conservation practices, but I have a cold today, and it's got me thinking about biological altruism—the biological imperative to put other creatures ahead of yourself, to benefit the group.

When talking about possible interactions with other species, we talk a lot about humans being crazy and thrill-seeking and impossible to kill. Never use a warning shot as an incentive to keep humans out of a fight; it'll just make them angry. And that's true. But a valid criticism I've seen in the "Earth is a death world" community is that according to our understanding of evolution, every planet must be some form of death world. Competition fosters evolution—the wolf with sharper claws survives when its litter mates die. You can't reach space travel without some casualties along the way.

But the dog survives because it makes friends with the strange ape carrying a sharp stick. And the strange ape survives because it befriends the wolf. Underneath the death world is an inextricable and undeniable layer of the bond world; the love world; the world, together.

I imagine some worlds are not death worlds. They're peaceful and tranquil. I suspect there are worlds far more deadly than Earth, where the skies rain diamonds, harder than any substance we know with the species to match. And I imagine that they are united in their confusion at the duality of humankind.

Today is a great example: I have a cold, and I want someone to take care of me, but the people who would are immunocompromised, also sick, or live 8 hours away, respectfully. I also want no one within the walls of my apartment or I will eat them. I feel gross, I feel tired, and I don't want a single human being anywhere near me, even if they did bring soup.

In my constant scrolling through my phone today, I decided to look up why the hell I feel so bad—why everyone feels so bad when they're ill. And the answer surprised me. I always thought it was because your immune system is active, so it's using a lot of your energy. That is part of it. Another part is that your brain and body are communicating across the blood-brain barrier to fight the infection, which is rare and energetically expensive.

But that doesn't explain everything, and according to more current research, it could also be what's called the Eyam Hypothesis: that we feel so gross, so we instinctively isolate from other people. We're too tired to deal with others, and so we don't infect them. Misanthropy for the good of the species. Of course, it can also backfire: one of the criticisms of the Eyam Hypothesis is that humans also instinctively care for each other. If my brother has a headache, I drive to the store for Advil.

Personally, I think it's a little bit of both: biological altruism. Either way, the majority live on. The first thought I had this morning when I woke up wasn't "I feel gross" it was "there's no way I'm going to work today." And while that might not be everyone's first thought, you don't even have to be a particularly altruistic person to not want to leave your home or your bed when you're sick. It's inborn.

And so when the human named Ismail comes down with a case of the interstellar common cold, his alien friend Dyos grows very concerned. Ismail is usually intensely social, almost off-puttingly so. Some crew members joke about how his quarters are for sleeping and prayer only; if he's home alone? You should be worried. But when Dyos demands an answer to the severity of Ismail's malady, the other humans just nod knowingly.

"Nah, he's okay, the medics already cleared him. It's not a severe infection."

"But there are so many...fluids. And his body has changed color."

There is a moment of confusion there until they remember that Dyos's species can see in the infrared color spectrum.

"Nah, that's just a low-grade fever. It should break in the next couple days."

"But he doesn’t want to play chess today," Dyos insists.

"Ohhhh," says human Claudia, finally understanding. "No, that's normal. Humans don't like being around other people when they're sick, it's supposed to be one of the major evolutionary advantages. Protect your community from your illness and the genes live on."

"So we're just going to leave him alone?" Dyos is troubled by this. He can go for weeks without speaking to another life form, but he has seen Ismail grow despondent when unable to participate in social gathering.

"Oh, no," human Claudia says, laughing. "We're going to employ one of the other most longstanding human evolutionary advantages."

There are many to choose from and Dyos settles on, "middle age?"

"Sort of," human Claudia opens up a small shipping container and holds up a brown paper bag tied with a colorful ribbon. It glows brightly in Dyos's vision, almost as brightly as human Claudia's smile. "His nanni's hot soup, express delivery."

[gojocp]

no surprises

cw: angst, geto just makes me so sad bruh idek, post riko arc featuring: suguru geto

a/n: this song is so sad and i feel sad and yeah i dont really know where i was going with this. also i need someone to like super deeply analyze geto and his character and his morals and everything, cuz i don't think i did it right but whatever. lmk how this is !!

"a job that slowly kills you, bruises that won't heal.." ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

'exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume. over, and over, and over again.'

'exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, consume, exorcise, cons-'

"suguru! you got the curse?" you call out.

he slowly turns towards you, a blank look on his face. "yeah."

"hmm.. they don't taste good?" you half-heartedly joke, wiping the curses blood off your hand.

"they're curses, what do you think they taste like?" he questions, tired from the day of missions.

"i don't know, you tell me.." you say, giving him a soft smile.

after he moment of thinking, he responds, "like a rag used to clean vomit."

"oh!.." you pause, "how about we head back?"

wordlessly, he walks past you and heads in the direction of the school's building. .・。.・゜✭・.

"you look so tired, unhappy."

"you okay..?" you ask, as suguru crawls into bed. he never takes more than 15 minutes in the shower, always complaining that you're wasting the water. but recently, he's been in the shower for over an hour. you know that it's a way for him to drown out his worries, but frankly, you feel worried.

he's changed since riko's death. and not for the better.

"long day." he responds, turning away from you.

"hmm.. you wanna talk about it?" you ask, laying down next to him and wrapping an arm around him and pulling him to your chest.

"i'm.." he sighs. "i'm so sick of this. i've had enough of the sorceror life. i know how it'll end."

"it was so much.. pressure. just living. because i was one of the strongest, i had to look out for the weak. i don't get it. humans are the cause of the curses. it''s their own fault. why should we have to protect them from something they caused?! there's no point!"

"i mean, they're causing their own suffering. and i can't stand it anymore."

"i've made up my mind, (y/n).." he sighs, "i'm done."

"well..." you start, "there's always a reason, suguru. i know how you're feeling, and i promise you, it gets better. you just need to pull through."

and he tried, but maybe that wasn't the answer he needed. maybe he didn't need one at all, and just needed someone to listen. because when you woke up, he was gone. and an entire village was massacred.

[bee-writes-n-spins]

Hi :> I have never requested anything on tumblr before lol. But I wanna see a Nagito or Izuru x (Ultimate fashion designer) (Fem or gender neutral) reader!

It can be oneshots or headcanon or WHATEVER!! But I really wanna see one of them both :)

Thank you for your time!!!🎀

a/n: uhhh sure. i have been pretty busy with winter guard rehearsals so im getting all my requests done at once lmao. and i have no idea how to write izuru. but anyways, enjoyyyy! notes: ____ is just a better way of saying y/n

nagito

so to start, i've said this before, but he will absolutely attend all of your runway shows! hell, he'll even model for you. let him be your mannequin.

he loves beautiful things! like your designs!

and he's a rich boy.

you need a really expensive type of fabric?

done.

a rare color?

already bought.

he just wants to see you be happy

you're sitting facedown at your sewing machine, frustrated about your upcoming show this weekend. things can't go any worse. three of your models got sick, one had to cancel because of a family emergency, and, to top it all off, the lace you ordered isn't gonna come in till next week!

suddenly, you hear a soft knock that breaks you out of your frustrations.

"____..? you okay?" it's the sound of your boyfriend's raspy voice.

"no. this show's got me in a tough spot and i'm literally about to scream," you grumble into the table. your mind is numb at this point.

he silently stares at you, worried for both your physical and mental health. he tip-toes over to you and gently plays with your hair.

"how 'bout you take a break..? i know it might not be the best to spend time with the likes of me, but i think you should decompress a little..."

you look up, eyes red and puffy from crying. you slightly nod.

"yeah.. i think that's for the best.."

izuru

he would genuinely be impressed

someone with an actual fashion sense?

finally, someone who doesn't bore him to death.

in all seriousness, he wants you to succeed.

so, he'll do anything to get you there

even if it means doing some... unsavory things

he is the ultimate everything.. and that includes murderer

you aways wonder just how rival designers go missing when you need them to or why a venue that initially turned you down came crawling back...

also, being the ultimate everything, he'll probably know some tips on how to do that really complex sewing pattern you've been trying for ages to figure out.

he might not like most people, but he certainly does like you.

you're relaxing by the fireplace, drawing up sketches on your tablet. winter is almost over, so it's high time you start working your spring collection.

already cozy, you feel an even cozier presence sit next to you. you smile warmly, immediately recognizing who it is.

"i see you're all warm now, my love," you giggle, giving izuru a small peck on the lips.

he nods slightly in response with a faint blush on his face. "yes indeed," he pauses for a moment as he peers over your shoulder to silently study your sketches, "don't use tool there, it'll make it look tacky."

you shrug him off. "yeah, yeah.." you say as you throw your tablet aside and cuddle to him.

he just stares down, a small smile on his face.

[mrsnancywheeler]

Also I’d love to see how you’d picture Eddie telling Billy he loves you in front of the whole band and their reactions. Cause I’ve got some ideas 😭

okay so I imagine it happening after this blurb took place, so like you've been gone for a while. and billy's at rehearsal a couple weeks later knowing damn well that you haven't picked up the phone, weren't at the house when he came by, and now he's back at rehearsal and everyone's confused on how you're not back yet. well I mean there's a sentiment of she finally had enough of his shit.

"what, she not agree to come back to you? finally done with you?" daisy's asking, knowing full well that you've been staying at her place.

billy is very annoyed, but smiles, "she's just out right now, I'll stop by later tonight, she'll be back"

and the next day, she's still not there, and billy is snappier because he's nervous. either something really bad happened to you or you meant what you said, you're actually done with him, and he's not ready to give you up.

eddie is seething because not only has billy chased you off, but you're missing, you haven't answered his calls either. so he's snapping

"maybe if you treated her well, she wouldn't be m.i.a."

"what the fuck do you know about how to treat a girl, roundtree."

"a lot more then you do."

"really? because she's always coming back to me, she may have fucked you, but she's always choosing me."

"that's because you fucking infest everything man, at least I love her."

there's a silence, warren mumbles a small, "well shit"

karen's offering a, "maybe we should take a break"

and then billy is laughing and everyone is on edge because, what the fuck, "I'm sorry, you wanna repeat that for the class? really pathetic eddie, you think you love her? you don't even exist to her, it's always been me and it'll always fucking be me"

"well evidently, it's now always you"

"shut the hell up, roundtree." the way he says it is chilling, puts everybody on edge, "I'm only gonna say this once. she's never gonna love you the way she loves me, I don't care if you think you're the end all be all, that you love her to death, I love her more. don't you dare even think otherwise. get your fucking nose out my business and stay the hell away from my girl."

"can't stay away from her when nobody knows where the hell she is because of you, billy. if you love her so much she wouldn't have run away, you're just possessive"

and graham's standing closer to billy, ready to pull him back if he even tries to go in, and billy does try and graham's instantly grabbing his arm. "you don't know anything about it." and now karen is insisting they split everyone up to cool off. so they are and eddie's fucking sick because basically everyone except daisy is telling him that it wasn't cool to pull. and he can't understand how nobody sees that he would in fact treat you better, but they do understand, but tensions are already high and this just makes it worse.

finally they rejoin, ready to tensely rehearse when billy, who won't tell anyone he was crying, informs them that, "if she's not back tonight then I'm going to the station." last he saw you, he'd literally had to force you to call a taxi, so now he's more worried. that you're done and in danger and he can't help you. "end of fucking story, let's just rehearse"

"oh my god, billy, you're so damn dramatic. I've heard from her, she's fine."

and well yeah this is kind of a cliffhanger because billy does in fact force it out of daisy eventually

[lootsofathousandsworld]

Life of a Pirate Chpt 8

Here's another chapter for you all! :D

Hope you like it and sorry if grammers are wonky.

Warning a small hint of anxiety

    After an hour or two of rest, I was up and about. After eating a quick snack, which its the bread, I was relieved my stomach wasn't sick anymore thanks to the medicine.  

Making my way up the deck to continue my chores, I find Billy waiting for me. I bite my lips to see him walking over to me. About the time he came, he asked.

"Feeling well, lass?"  

I nod slightly. "Yes, sir. It was just an enteriumn sickness?" 

After my reply, he hums. "I thought so, many pirates and spacers tend to get this sick. Mostly when it's their first time.

My eyes widen to hear that last part. "Their first time?" 

"Aye," Billy pulls his cigar out with a lighter." I swallowed. Not knowing this sick was pretty much a way of saying it's your first time going on a voyage. Felt my worrying coming, I asked another question. 

"So does that also mean...even let's say.. spacers go on many voyages, they tend to get sick?"  

"Aye?" After Billy blew smoke out, he looked at me now puzzled by my act. "Something wrong, cabin girl?"

"Nothing!" I gasped, almost making my voice loud. "I-I mean nothing, sir. I was um, wondering that's all." He looked at me long and I forced myself to make a smile, hoping that'll somehow distract him.   

Soon Billy frowned and said. "Wipe that grin off yer face. Get back to your work and I don't want any more accidents you hear?"    

"Yes sir," I nodded fast and didn't hesitate to pass him. While he wasn't looking, my hand was on my chest to ease my heart which was beating rapidly.  

"It's alright," I muttered to myself. "You shouldn't be worrying about this. Your overreacting. It'll be okay," I took a couple of breaths before heading over to do my work. 

Third person POV

After watching her walk away fast, he raised his eyebrow in suspicious. The way the woman tensed after he mentioned the sickness. And that smile she made was something every man does when they feel guilty over something.   

"Now why would be feeling guilty over being sick?" He muttered before inhaling his cigar.   

Ash POV

After finishing my work. I took this opportunity to relax until Billy assigned me to do another job. So I casually walk and scan my surroundings. It honestly feels a little strange to walk on the ship. In the movie, it was all broken down with hoards of gold.  

This time era is not, instead, the ship is in good fair condition. And I find it now hard to remember what this ship was like when it was shipwrecked. Then I passed the crewmen who were like me taking a small break.   

I had my head down to avoid their gaze but I caught a glimpse of a monkey alien giving me a death glare. Guess he didn't let go of the grudge about his pants. Swallowing, I walked fast until I didn't see them anymore.  

Sighing heavily, slowing my walk, I stop at the edge of the ship. I looked out beyond the galaxy and couldn't help to smile. Since I've been staying on a ship. I didn't get a chance on good glance out at the wonders of the universe.  

It was breathtaking. The enteriumn universe is beautiful. I couldn't get my head around how I'm able to breathe in space. And it was my lifelong dream of seeing the galaxy up close. I sighed and followed my gaze up until I saw the red sails along the black pirate flag being carried by the wind.  

I stared at the Jolly Roger flag. Where it towers over the ship and gives full appearance to its mortal enemy. The more I looked at it, the more I felt my fear of how long I could keep my secret hidden. While being surrounded by gruesome pirates under the order of Flint.    

With this much worrying I tore away from it. Rubbing my arms, I sigh heavily. "I wish the merchant ship comes soon,"  

"Hi, Ashy!" I gasped in startle and turned around to find B.E.N beside me.  

'Oh you scared me," I said. I watch him rub his robotic back neck. 

"Didn't mean to scare you, I just want to see how are you doing," He smiled sheepishly. "I heard you weren't feeling well," 

I nodded. "Yeah but I'm better now," I smiled a little, kind of glad he was here to talk to. Wanting to keep this conservation going I asked him.  

"So are you on your break?"  

He shook his head. "Eh not really, the only I can come out only if Captain Flint is out with me." I looked over his shoulder and sure it was his Captain was standing by the helm with the other pirate that was steering. 

"Oh, I see," I gulped and glanced back at him. "He doesn't give you much freedom?" 

He shook his head, "He only does if I fetch him something." I look at him with sympathy, I couldn't imagine how horrible it feels to be trapped under him. Being watched over like a hawk. 

"I'm sorry," That's all I can say. Then B.E.N made a laugh.

"Sorry? Dont be. At least I'm feeling safe, no men would dare to take me away."  

Like how Flint did. I thought as I recall, he stole him away from his former owner or his own free will. Whatever it is, I find this unfair he has to suffer this for more years until 100 is up. He didn't deserve this. He should be out enjoying life.    

Then B.E.N clears his throat. "So Ash I wanna ask you something,"

"Yes?" I question.  

"Are you really from Montressor?"  

I blinked but felt uneasy. "Um, yes? Why you ask?" I wish I'd taken back my ask that my face grew pale when he told me this.

"Well one member, Pew admits you weren't from there." 

"What?" I asked

"He has this powerful scent where he can sense a person's location. He caught your smell and...he says you're not from that planet."   

B.E.N finishes, looking at me with a hurt expression. "Ash, why did you lie to me about where you come from?" My breath was shaken and I caught my glimpse over his head on Billy walking up to Flint. My heart was pounding hard as I watched him speaking to his Captain about something. 

My mind was already set on him talking about me. The way he says on my acting earlier. Right when Flint turned to where I was I froze for a second. I glance back at B.E.N as he waits for his answer.  

Feeling much terrified I back a little. "I-I need to do some dishes," I spun and ran to the gallery. 

"Ash?!" I heard B.E.N shout with confusion. "Ashy wait!" I didn't listen as I splint down the gallery.

------------------------------------

As I made it I clenched my head and was breathing rapidly.  

"Keep it together!" I muttered under my breath. "H-he doesn't know anything." I pace back and forth to calm myself. 

"Ash!" I perked up and saw B.E.N with a worried look. "Ashy what's wrong? Did I say something to make you upset?" 

"No you didn't do anything," I breathed. "I just.." I shut my eyes and finished. "I just want to get out of here," I sat on the bench. I felt him sitting beside me and my face was planted on the floor. Unable to look at him.  

"I know it's scary to live on his ship but I promise once you get used to it like me it won't be bad.." He tries to reassure me it'll be okay but I clench my teeth and interrupt him. 

"I don't belong here!" He was taken aback by my voice raising. Feeling my heart sank at his expression I let out a sharp sigh. 

"Please B.E.N try to understand I can't live here. Pirate's life is not for me. I want to go home,"   

"I understand," B.E.N sighed. "Everyone has a different taste," He looked down. "And I thought this was my chance to have a best friend on board." My heart felt heavier at his words. Feeling like a bitch as if I'm ditching him for selfish reasons.    

Then I made this decision to tell him the truth. I felt he had a right to know why I was desperate to leave. 

"B.E.N, I do want to be your friend really. I'm sorry I lied to you." He turned his head to me and I smiled at him sadly " The reason is that I wasn't sure you could be trusted but you proved me wrong. "

"But you can trust me," He replied. "I'm good at keeping secrets, 

I nodded. "I know, that's why..."I stop when we hear a man shouting from out of the gallery. 

"Captain! Merchant ships straight ahead!" My eyes lit up and I looked at B.E.N with my heart beating with happiness. "It's here. I'm going home."   

"You are," He looks down glumly. Before I get up to leave I hug him. He gasped in surprised as I spoke gently.

"I promise we'll see each other again. I will never forget you," Slowly I felt him returning my embrace.  

He tries not to break the tears he says. "Then I hope I'll see you soon Ash." I let my arms free and he gave me his sad smile.   

"I'll see you soon too friend," I give him the same expression for a second and with that, I left the gallery. 

---------------------

When I got out, I saw men running and preparing but I didn't pay attention to them. Right now, my paraly is coming to an end and my freedom is this close.   

I found Flint still up with the helm I came up to him. As I reached him, his eyes were set on his men. 

"Captain our bargain?" I reminded him. "Remember you promise no plundering while I aboard the ship?" I watch his facial unfazed. Slowly he turned to me and I felt uneasy the way he looked at me. 

"They're a bit of change lass," 

Not like the way he says it. I asked quietly. "What do you mean?"   

"I mean is about your little paraly. I'm breaking the deal." My eyes widen to hear this, and he finishes it with his eyes glowed. 

"Yer staying on my ship. This is your home now," 

[darkprincecait]

sorry, heavy talk under the cut. i'm not really in the best way.

heavy warning for existential and death talk if you read this, sorry. please don't worry about me, i'm having a moment more than anything.

i think i've talked about this before but i have bad death anxiety. like to the point where it has become outright debilitating at spots in my life. i've had several major episodes where it threatened to cause me to shut down completely and i'm having another one right now.

i have a tendency to borrow grief from the future, like far into it, as if that's going to help anything. and i'm doing it again, and i know part of it is just the nature of my job and what i have to handle but also

mom was 32 when she developed the cancer that eventually claimed her life. she survived chemo but died from the aftereffects. she had 21 years instead of seven, but it still ended up taking her. i grew up fearful it'd happen to me, and i'm 34 now. as far as i can tell i'm healthy. as far as i can tell, i'm going to be okay for now.

but what if? what if? that's been following me around since i was a teenager and realized how vulnerable i really was. what if i get sick? what if the vehicle i'm in gets into an accident? what if any number of things go wrong? i don't know what to do there. i feel like i have to hold onto the edge of the world to keep from falling off right now. it's why i was afraid to learn how to drive and to do any other number of things, as if there isn't an awful possibility of other stuff.

i'm trying. i'm trying to take one day at a time or to learn how to again. i'm jealous of mom in a sense because she was never afraid to go. she was a religious woman. she was confident she was going to see her deceased loved ones again. she was in terrible pain and she let go. i'm nothing like her. i never got to tell her goodbye.

idk what i'm trying to say here and i know if i bring this to my job, the reaction is going to be 'okay, but we need you to make these client calls' and they're right, of course. i'm not in the void that 24-year-old cait thought they'd be cosigned to. i'm at least on my own two feet and getting through life, as if everything isn't going to collapse.

i'll have to learn how to be okay again, just like i did when i was 16 and realized i was mortal and just like i did when i was 20 and lost great grandma ruby and just like i did when i was 27 and had my mom just slip away in front of me while i panicked and cried and had to be told "she didn't want to live like this" over and over by my dad and then spent the day struggling to make my brain understand gone forever.

but it'll take a while. it always does. and this will always, always be a part of me, and i'm just going to have to live with that.

[nukenai]

(eventually) pet death mention stuff.

It's been a rough couple days for Striker. Not particularly worse than any of his usual "bad days", but the "bad days" are more frequent. He really just never bounced entirely back from getting sick a little over a year ago. He still can get up fine on carpet and outside if he happens to tumblr, which is occasional, but... Things are hard for him. Getting outside on time is pretty much impossible for him now. He gets up a lot for no reason like he's restless. His heart murmur isn't affecting his respiratory rate or anything, but his paws are staying awfully cold. He's still eating, he loves treats especially, but he's been so weird about water (literally only drinks from the cat fountain he has to walk across the house to get to).

He just seems very tired and sort of done. My brain keeps trying to convince itself he can still hang in there, because he moves pretty quick and well outside when he goes out. But he never liked spending time outside, and especially with winter coming... I just don't love the idea of a frail dog with a weak hind end having to go out in the freezing cold for months on end. I hate the idea of losing ANOTHER pet this year, but I think it's what's right for him. I don't want to make him hold on until the new year because of arbitrary shit humans made up. And maybe it'll be nice to start a year "fresh" y'know. My sister even made the pretty blunt (but correct) point of "the last thing I want is for him to drop dead on Christmas or something". Which, GOD. Like I need that. We're not doing holiday stuff this year but still. Just... no thanks.

Striker has been an ordeal for 14 years, but 14 is a very good run for a border collie. It sucks, it sucks so much and it'll always suck, and I'm like "ugh the timing" but like. When will there be GOOD timing? Closer to Christmas I'll just say "omg it's close to Christmas". Then the new year and. Well, we're taking another trip at the end of February. And I don't think I want to have to put him through boarding again! It's just so stressful for the both of us.

And honestly, it makes me feel so terrible because I ALWAYS put my animals first, but I have to think of me. I have to think of what an extreme burden Striker's issues have been for 14 straight years. But I can give myself some credit, because I always DEALT with them and never gave up on him. A lot of people would have but I didn't, and I should be proud of that. I've taken care of Striker pretty much exclusively by myself since he was 2. No one COULD help me with him because of his issues.

I think the best time to try to do something like this is when I'm okay. And sorry this is corny but it's a post by me. But it's like-- I have the SMRPG remake right now. I have Sammie right now and all my other pets. I also have concerns about my cat Lucas, because he's SIXTEEN. And he's gotten skinny too, but he doesn't have any kind of daily issues I have to help him with at all. If I wait too long with Striker, god forbid something happen to Lucas soon after that, you know?

Again it fucking sucks. It's going to suck SO HARD no matter what and there's no "good" time to put down a dog you've had since you were in fucking high school. And there's that added baggage of like, "Striker and Lucas are the only pets I have now that I've had since before my mom died", but like. I can't put that burden on them. I honestly don't think about it a ton but it's for sure a thought.

I know I'm rambling but it's just helpful to get all the thoughts out and get my head in line. It's a weekend so it's hard to get ahold of anyone, but I emailed my vet to see if they do at-home euthanasia. I'm not sure if they do. If they don't, there is a mobile vet that does it that I've heard wonderful things about. So I definitely have options.

God if you read all this sorry for ruining your fucking day. sfjghsjkdfgh.

[thebreakfastgenie]

😅💋🍦🍷, if you haven't answered them already!

Thank you!!! Seriously I know I keep reblogging these but I need the entertainment. I've spent the whole day either napping or having no energy to do anything like I can't even focus on watching anything. I'm not even like for real sick either I mean I don't have a cold or anything but something is fucking wrong with me!! Anyway!

😅 What’s a story or scene you’ve created that you’re a smidge embarrassed exists?

I've been writing fic on and off since I was fourteen, okay? I'm not ashamed of it, but I am embarrassed by it. I've written NCIS (infused with teenage angst), Supernatural, and Hamilton (not embarrassed by that though because the writing was good). I would have said my abandoned destiel high school AU but I reread it recently and you know... it's not bad, all things considered. There are things I've started writing and never posted that are more embarrassing than anything I've posted. I did write an NCIS fic back in the day where Gibbs's canon love interest for a while, Hollis, straight up tells Jenny they should be together instead and Jenny is all no, it won't work.... that's embarrassing. It's only on fanfiction.net, though. Everything I'm embarrassed about on my AO3 I have the attitude of, well, I know better now.

I'm not embarrassed they exist but I am embarrassed by how rushed Wonderful and Six More Weeks are because I wanted to finish both by midnight on those days and I had, like, work. I don't edit fics once they're posted besides fixing typos, but if they continue to bother me I might do some minimal edits.

💋 First kiss fics. Love em or hate em?

Neither? I don't write a lot of them, because with MASH I'm happy being a gen writer right now, and in my other fandoms, I've mostly ended up with ships that already have a first kiss. Josh/Donna, for example. My original ship, jibbs, were exes, so any kiss I wrote wasn't technically their first. I did write a Kirk/Spock first kiss once, to slot into the Starfleet Academy Shatnerverse book (I never posted it). When I was writing destiel, I don't think I ever actually wrote a first kiss, but I was into the idea.

If I do jump into writing shippy MASH fic I'm almost certainly going to start with hawnk, which also already has a canon kiss, though perhaps it's not their first...

🍦 What’s the sweetest fic you’ve created so far?

Uh...sweet... have I written anything sweet? It's probably 'Til Death (Un)does Us Part, a silly fic I wrote about Kirk and Spock trying to get remarried after Spock came back from the dead.

I do have a note that says "write a fic where Hawkeye and Radar eat waffles and nothing bad happens" so someday maybe it'll be that.

🍷 Do you drink and write?

I try to because I always think it will loosen me up and help with my perfectionism, but I always get too sleepy before I get anywhere.

[izzy-b-hands]

Fish

Wanted cute Rizzy stuff, but also partially inspired by the legend on that one post who gave himself the nickname Fish in college, and then it got sad by the time I came back to this as a WIP weeks (EDIT 3/7/23, make that uhh a month or more lol) later so...yeah. Please heed the TW below. There is some cute and soft and sweet in here, but it's more bittersweet overall than I'd previously planned.

TW for emetophobia and the death of a child.

---

"Ed sent you?"

Izzy frowns. "Yes, Edward sent me. He said you needed an extra pair of hands, then spent about ten minutes joking about how I would be best because-"

"Izzy Hands," Roach finishes with a chuckle. "That is funny."

Izzy shrugs, but a smile almost makes its way to fruition.

"Great, I have four patients here in a two patient shack," Roach sighs. "Come on in."

Inside he has his two adult patients sharing the one cot, the colicky baby in the cradle, and the toddler-

Immediately throws up on Izzy's shoes.

"Hi," Izzy peers down to the toddler. "Bad night?"

Roach watches as the kid looks up, sniffles, and breaks into a wail.

His plan was to have Izzy keep an eye on the adults, but before he can say a word the toddler is scooped up and on Izzy's hip.

"I get it," Izzy sighs. "Feel any better?"

The kid smashes his face into Izzy's shoulder and whines. It's adorable and sad, considering how long the parents said the kid had been sick like that. Long enough to scare Roach and wonder how much he could actually do for him.

But for now, he's being comforted and that means just maybe he can finally get medicine down his throat.

"This is..." Roach frowns. "Fuck, they didn't tell me his name."

"What do they call you?" Izzy asks the kid, a hand rubbing his back. "Hm? Give us a name."

"Fish," the kid mutters.

"That..." Izzy hesitates, and Roach can tell he wants to say something about how that's probably not actually the kid's name.

"That's a nice name. Do you get to go out to the beach and see the crabs and fish?"

A nod as Fish lifts his head from Izzy's shoulder.

And vomits on him again.

"I am so sorry," Roach winces.

"Not the first time I've been covered in sick, mine or someone else's," Izzy sighs. "Won't be the last I'm sure. Just be grateful I don't sympathy puke like Ed."

"What?"

"He's never told you? He and Jack would get horribly sick after a week of drinking nothing but rum, and they set each other off every time they heard the other vomit," Izzy replies. "Then again..maybe don't tell him I told you that."

Roach nods. "Might lose another toe otherwise."

Izzy smirks, but there's fear in his eyes.

"Fish," Roach turns his attention to the toddler. "Can I give you something to make you feel better?"

"No."

"It'll help," Izzy coos. "Roach is a nice doctor, let him help you."

He's almost too much in shock to snag the bottle of unfortunately bitter medicine, as Izzy sits himself and Fish on a chair in the corner.

Fish wriggles not unlike a fish out of water, but Izzy keeps him on his lap.

"I know," he murmurs. "But once it's down, then you can lay down and sleep. I bet you're tired."

"NO!"

Izzy chuckles. "Yeah you are. But okay, what do you want to do after the medicine instead?"

That seems to take Fish by surprise. "...beach?"

"I bet your mum and dad would take you to walk on the beach after this," Izzy says. "For a little while at least."

Roach has a million questions. Clearly Izzy has been around kids before, enough to withstand the grossness and tantrums that came with them. But what was the source? Siblings? Did he have kids like Stede, hidden away somewhere? And with who?

But he shuffles them away and kneels in front of them, bottle and a spoon in hand. "I promise I'll give you some water right away after if you keep this down, okay?"

Fish nods, but a little hand grasps Izzy's thumb tight before he opens his mouth for the medicine.

They both wince as Fish closes his mouth around the spoon, lets Roach pull it out...

And promptly vomits it back onto Roach's face.

"Okay," Izzy says. "Second time is the charm, maybe."

Roach nods and breathes through his nose as he lifts up a corner of his apron to wipe the foul liquid off his face. "One more try."

"Can we put anything else with it?" Izzy asks. "Something to mask the flavour?"

"I don't have anything," Roach replies. "Or I would."

Izzy wraps an arm around Fish to keep him in place before pulling a small wrapped square out of his pocket. "Here. Chocolate, meant to be for Ed, but I'm sure Bonnet's already bought him some."

Roach shakes his head. "I...okay. Sure. Thank you."

The second go around they work like a well-oiled machine: Roach tips the medicine into Fish's mouth, Izzy gently tips Fish's head back with a finger to his chin, and when he bobs back down with tears in his eyes, Roach pops a sliver of the chocolate into Fish's mouth.

"Oh," Fish sniffles, then reaches for the rest of the chocolate.

"A little bit more," Roach hands over another sliver. "Don't want you eating it all if you can't keep it down."

He expects Izzy to ask to leave, patience finally exhausted, or at least to insist on helping with the adult patients instead.

But he walks Fish around the room in his arms, patting the toddler's back and talking about sea creatures in the softest tone.

"Sleeping?" Izzy whispers after a few hours.

Fish is out cold on his shoulder, drooling.

Roach nods. "Let me see everyone else out, then I'll help you with him."

The adult patients head out, sufficiently treated and supplied with additional medicines and instructions. A while later, the colicky baby's mum returns bearing an aunt happy to help them for the next few nights.

Then, it's just them and Fish.

"I'll put him on the cot," Roach whispers as he gently tries to pull Fish from Izzy's arms.

Fish wraps his arms around Izzy's neck in response.

"It's okay," Izzy coughs, a hand reaching up to carefully loosen Fish's grasp. "I've had worse nights."

Izzy winds up sitting up on the cot, with Fish snuggled against him.

Even if it wasn't adorable, Roach would be doing his best to keep awake in case Fish gets sick again, or if his parents should show up ready to try and take him back home.

But as it is, it's surprisingly cute, and Roach can't take his eyes off of them.

--

"Roach."

"Roach!"

Roach stirs and frowns at the sun streaming into the shack. "Shit."

"It's okay," Izzy says, standing beside the chair Roach is slumped in. "I mean...his parents came by."

"They did," Roach sighs and yawns. "Good."

Izzy frowns. "Roach. He passed a few hours after that. His parents seemed to know. They said their good byes and asked if we could cover the burial. I told them yes."

Roach looks over to the cot, and his heart breaks.

A motionless little body, wrapped in a sheet from the cot.

Fish.

"I should have tried something else," Roach says. "I knew that might not be enough-"

"His parents tell me," Izzy groans as he kneels by the chair. "He'd been sick like this for a good month. Sometimes there's only so much that can be done."

"I know-"

"And I know that you know," Izzy interrupts, a hand rubbing Roach's back. "But a reminder never hurts. You gave him a safe place to rest, medicine to try and help, and a treat he might not have had much of before."

Roach nods, leans forward, and drops his head into his hands. "It should get easier."

"It should. But it doesn't," Izzy sighs and stands again. "They marked a spot near the beach. So they'll know..."

Izzy's voice drops, then returns with a slight shake. "So they'll know where he is."

"Who did you hire, for..."

"I didn't," Izzy says. "Not the first person I've buried. Won't be the last."

He carries Fish as if he might break apart in his arms, following Izzy out of the shack and down towards the beach.

There, Fang and Ivan stand with shovels.

Izzy nods and takes both from them. "Help him get the little one ready."

"You did your best," Fang murmurs as he helps Roach sit on the grass and dirt of the little patch just before the beach. "And Fish knew it."

He nods. It's what he can manage. He hasn't lost a young patient in a long time.

He forgot how much it hurts.

"Izzy had us pick up some things from his parents," Ivan adds, setting a burlap sack down beside them. "Things they'd like with him."

Another blanket to wrap him in. Hand stitched, clearly a baby blanket. The name Elias stands out in black thread.

Fang cries with him while they wrap him up further.

A few soft toys, that Ivan tucks into the folds of the blanket with the gentlest touch.

The plush fish is what does it.

"I'm sorry," Roach whispers while Fang and Ivan lift Fish, rather, Elias, into a small wooden coffin.

"You don't have to be sorry," Ivan says as he sits back by Roach, watching Fang argue with Izzy over taking a turn digging. "Mate, you did more for that kid than probably half the doctors that have been through here in the month before us. Don't beat yourself up."

"He wanted to go to the beach," Roach says, as he realises tears are flowing down his face. "He didn't get to see the fish again like he wanted, and we told him if he took the medicine-"

"He's at the beach," Izzy hands the shovel over to Fang mid-argument, and heads over to Roach and Ivan. "See? As close as he can be without the tide taking him."

He doesn't know what to make of this Izzy, who lets vomit dry on his clothes without a second thought, makes up impromptu silly songs about fish and crabs and eels to make a kid smile, and who wraps an arm around Roach now.

But maybe it doesn't matter, for now at least.

He leans into Izzy, and takes his offered hand when they stand again.

"Take a walk," Ivan nods. "Both of you. Then, and I swear I mean this kindly-"

"A shower, bath, something," Izzy finishes. "We will before we come find everyone. Can you let Ed and Stede know..."

"We've got it," Fang calls. "Stop worrying!"

"You know they don't know how to do that," Ivan says, turning to Fang. "Especially Izzy. He worries about worrying."

Fang gives a knowing nod, and Roach lets Izzy lead him on down the sand.

Maybe they'll see some fish. He hopes so.

[noortjelanterfanter]

Hormones

I actually opened tumblr on my laptop to properly type up a blogentry. Because I kind of have a lot going on.. And it might not really seem that way because my regular updates have been very minimal. It's summerbreak, which means no work. Which is good, because I've been exhausted. However, it also means no therapy. The last time I saw my therapist is when Mr Books and I just started dating. By the time I'll see my therapist again it'll have been 2 months, give or take. Everything has been overwhelming lately, I just haven't stopped to actually process it. I found out 2 weeks ago that I'm going to be around 5000 euros in debt. Not out of making bad decisions mind you. It's from government assistance I turns out didn't qualify for after all. And then wellfare, because I got more money than I was supposed to get. And the last one I was aware of, so that isn't an issue. However the other 3500 is quite a big chunk and I barely work so I have no idea how to afford any of that.

Besides that I obviously have my attachment style to deal with. And all the past trauma that Mr Books is triggering and somehow he hasn't left yet. He's sat through several meltdowns and he hasn't left yet. My brain has a really hard time accepting that he says he's not going to leave over that. Because I'm convinced that eventually he will. I explained a few days ago why I'm so convinced of that, and it's because my first boyfriend of 4 years said that to me, 2 days before he broke up and apparently already had another girlfriend, which I'm not allowed to mention btw. But anyway, that's why I am utterly convinced he's going to leave over me having meltdowns. Which I will always have to deal with to some degree. Although I have hopes they will become less severe or at the very least less frequent.

So we went to Amsterdam last Sunday. Which was fun, I loved it. I haven't been able to be myself so freely in such a long time, especially with a partner. But it was a long day, with a ton of people and not a lot of time to properly relax, so by the end of it I was pretty overwhelmed. He handled me being the way I am on the way home like a champ. He dealt with the hangry side of me that wants to get from point A to point B as efficiently as possible, which isn't a particularly patient or nice side. But eventually, after eating and sitting for a while I felt better. He then dealt with the major fucking meltdown I had when I got home. I was hyperventilating and not terribly able to speak. He just sat with me, comforted me, checked if there was anything he could do. Asked if I wanted to be alone or not. And I know that technically these are very basic and bare minimum things, but I haven't encountered many people who dealt with me being in an absolute state so well. With this much patience and compassion. All he really said was that he had a really fun day and that he felt bad for me that the day had to end on that note for me, but that he understood that it all was very triggering and tiring. And I appreciate the way he handles the situation, but I'm so scared that, although he's handling it vary gracefully now, he will in fact get sick of it and leave me for these episodes...

But yeah. On top of all that I'm in the week before my period, which means my pmdd is acting up and as I had predicted due to me bettering my diet it is an absolute menace. So for the past 2 days I have felt like absolute death. I cry over something silly or not so silly roughly every hour. I swear, it makes me so mad that the main reason we don't have a solution at all to pmdd is because men don't have it. I'm just angry and sad in general. Mr Books is coming back tomorrownight, so that'll help me deal with the sense of impending doom... Still I'm okay, I will be okay, but I'm not having a good time with life today.

[dailyaudiobiblechronological]

12/10/2023 DAB Chronological Transcription

Romans 11

Today is the 10th day of December. Welcome to Daily Audio Bible Chronological. I'm Jill. It's a brand new sparkly shiny brand new week ahead of us and the possibilities are looking really good. We have . turned the page and the story of our lives. We've also turned the page and the word of God and that brings us to Romans. Today we're starting a brand new translation this week as we start a brand new week and we're reading this week from The Voice. Romans chapter 11. 

Prayer:

Jesus, thank you for being here with us another day with another mercy and also another opportunity to serve you and represent who you are to the world who is in need of hope, with the need of love and who is in need of great mercy and grace. All of the things that we have been given and freely taken. Help us to remember as we go through this week that there are people in need of the same things that we have needed- compassion, forgiveness and sometimes truth but truth always in love. We give you this week that is upon us and invite you to do what it is that you long to do in our hearts and our minds, in our lives. We pray this now in the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Announcements:

 I'm Jill, looking forward to a beautiful week together as we turn the page and I'll meet you back here tomorrow. Until then, love one another.

Community Prayer Line: 

This is Pamela Resting in the Lord in Pennsylvania. I'm calling for Ebony God Songbird I can't remember it that's the right way to say it and I can't remember why I called, but God will speak through me. The holy spirit will speak through me to you because my brain doesn't always work. You know that you are loved- he wants you to know that yes you were completely healed of migraines that day when they laid hands on you and it's okay if symptoms come back, but we don't have to receive them. We can fight the enemy. It's the enemy who is doing this to us and God has given us every single tool to live free of the enemy in full victorious living with the abundance of heaven. Everything God has made that possible through the death and resurrection of his son Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. But we have to learn what the Kingdom of Heaven is and we have to learn how to operate in it. He brought it down. Jesus brought the Kingdom of Heaven down when he came and it is still here and we are seated in Heavenly places with him. I'm praying for you sister and it's okay. Rest in the Lord. It's okay if you get a migraine. It's okay if you still have a migraine. It's okay- it'll be okay. 

This is Candy and revealed by God's grace. This prayer goes out to Mindy in Nashville and for her mom. And also want to pray for all those who are still suffering from the loss of a loved one. Heavenly Father we come before you lifting up these Lord God who are still suffering father God from the loss of their loved ones, especially for Mindy in Nashville and her mom. Lord God the only father Lord we just thank you for your complete healing of these who have gone before us Lord God who have struggled God for so long with sickness. Lord God, lord you know that even knowing this our hearts break and their presence I miss Lord God their smiles and their laughter. It is for all those left behind Lord God struggling with their loss that we pray. Father help them to feel your comfort as you hold them close- your strength to get them through the difficult days, your courage to keep them going and your inner peace to know that you will carry them through until they meet again. Father God we give you all the honor, all the glory and all the praise knowing that all these blessings will flow from you in this season of need and we thank you Lord in Jesus name. Amen and amen. I love you my DABC brothers and sisters. Peace be within you. Bye. 

Salutations, this is his little Songbird from Alberta Canada and I want to lift you up in prayer. Heavenly Father I come before you right now and I lift up my sister to you. Father you see how she's been contending with these migraines and you know for how long and just as you have blessed me with the release and the freedom from migraine headaches, Lord we believe that you have done the same for her so I want to give you all the praise and all the glory because you are such a good father to give us such wonderful gifts and you don't take them back, they are to keep. So I give you all the praise and all the glory in Jesus name I pray. Amen. Anytime you feel this pain in your head rising up do this- claim out loud start praising the Lord saying I know you have healed me from these migraine headaches and what I feel is nothing more than the deceit from the devil trying to give me this horrendous gift because that's what he gives his horrendous gifts back to you so that you would claim it. Never never call them my migraines. Don't claim it. That's not a gift you want so you say it out loud and your ears will hear it and the demons will hear it. You'll believe it and they'll run. I love you my sister.

[kurokoros]

Do you really think Steve will die? I want to stay positive, but you all make me physically sick with those posts. Death wouldn't be a satisfying end to his arc even if he dies a hero. Plus the whole Dustin grieving storyline could prevent Steve from dying because it's just too much and Dustin would do anything to protect him, so full circle moment. Idk I just don't want to see him dead and still hold on to the positives :/

Okay, so I'm going to start off by saying I in no way want Steve Harrington to die, and I'll be very disappointed if the writers go that route. That being said, I do think there's a distinct chance that if any characters are killed off in S5, it'll be Steve. S5 isn't even filming yet, so it's way too early to seriously speculate on who might die. No one can see death flags until the season is airing. Now, as a writer myself, and someone that's taken screenwriting classes, there are a few reasons that I think it would make more sense for Steve to die than other characters, namely: Steve is the perfect blend of fan favorite character and combatant/protector. This doesn't mean I actually think he'll die, it's all just speculation and meta.

Steve is very well loved by the fandom. A lot of the characters in Stranger Things are very well loved, but not all character deaths are created equal. I believe that, of the main characters, Steve's death would have the most potential to make the audience and the other characters grieve. I could do a bunch of analysis here, but I won't, all we need to know if that Steve's death would be extremely upsetting to fans of the show and would at the very least would devastate characters like Robin, Dustin, Nancy, and probably Max, Lucas, and Erica as well. Being a fan favorite automatically has setup for killing a character for an emotional moment, but it's also the final season of the series, so the Duffers wouldn't have anything to lose or risk by killing off Steve. Personally, I think Eddie's death had more emotional weight than it deserved to, and the scene would have made more sense if it was Dustin and Steve instead. To me, it seemed like they wanted to kill Steve in S4, but chickened out do to the potential of backlash. Same with the writers choosing to not kill Max.

On top of that, Steve is one of the characters that put themselves in harms way on a regular basis. Steve, Hopper, El, and Nancy are the series combatant characters. Of those four, I can't see the writers killing Nancy, and Hopper and El have already received fake out deaths. I could see El maybe dying in the final confrontation with Vecna (or whoever the final boss ends up being) because narratively the Upside Down and everything supernatural has to disappear for the series to have a neat ending, but I also think killing El off would be extremely cruel, so she'll probably just lose her powers again, if anything. ANYWAY. Steve is the melee fighter that's injured every season, with those injuries increasing in severity. S1 he's in a fistfight that he's able to walk away from. S2 he's in a brawl that leaves him unconscious. S3 he's tortured by Russian soldiers. S4 he's mauled by monsters. The only way to take things up a notch would by outright killing Steve or mutilating him in a way that can't be healed or just forgotten about in the next episode.

I also think that narratively the Duffers have no where for Steve to go, purely by their own writing faults. The Duffers aren't very good at fleshing out characters beyond their debut, so a lot of characters are just there with nothing to do. Steve doesn't really have a plot of his own, and the writers don't know what to do with him aside from romantic plotlines and continually rehashing the fact that he was an asshole in high school. This could be a reason to kill him off, but it wouldn't be very good from a writing sense. You don't kill off a character unless it provides an important beat in the story, or the character has had an otherwise complete and satisfying character arc.

Steve's death wouldn't be closure to his arc. The narrative has repeatedly punished him enough for being a jock and an asshole. And, as you said, it would be like rehashing Eddie's death in terms of how it would affect Dustin. Personally, that would deter me from killing off Steve, but I haven't been happy with the Duffers' writing since like mid-S2, so I keep my expectations low.

TLDR: I don't know if Steve will die. It depends on if the Duffers want to kill any main characters in the final season. If that's the route they choose to go, I think Steve could be a contender for character deaths just based on the fact that he's one of the series primary fighters. And if Steve does die, you'll be getting plenty of fix-it fics in your future.

[st4reintoabyss]

Dear Diary

Dear diary,

I'm so excited! Tomorrow is finally my 18th birthday and I get to be inaugurated into the coven. I know it's not a huge deal, which Mom has told me a dozen times cuz she doesn't want me to be disappointed. But I can't wait to finally be a part of it.

Dear diary,

Today's the day! Mom bought me a beautiful black dress to wear tonight and she's going to do my makeup, too. I can't wait. I'll tell you all about tomorrow.

Dear diary,

Something terrible has happened.

Everything was fine at first. There was a whole chant, so many candles, and we had a celebratory meal. Then we moved over to doing our main ritual.

Mom put a hand on my arm as aunt Jean went into the other room to get something. "This is a bigger one," she said. "We don't do this all the time, okay? Don't be too scared."

"Scared?" I asked. Just then aunt Jean appeared back in the room holding a hutch carrying a white rabbit in one hand and a very large knife in the other.

My heart began to race. No, it couldn't be. They wouldn't be doing this. All the little rituals Mom taught me before were harmless. Was this a cruel joke?

Mom saw my face and patted my arm. "I told you," she whispered. "It's more often a rat or something smaller, though. But once you get through this it'll be easier." She had the audacity to smile at me.

"You never told me," I had replied weakly. "You never told me you did things... things like this..."

Mom took both my hands in hers. "Of course not, sweetie. We wait until you're an adult. Then you can understand."

I stood up angrily. "Understand what? That you're animal abusers? That you're sick in the head?" The entire coven turned to look at me as I said this.

Mom chuckled. "Animal abusers. No. The rabbit will die a quick, painless death, and we will honor its memory in our sacred ritual. I know it seems strange to you, but you must offer something to get something in return."

"It's barbaric!" I screamed. "Get what?"

"Don't you want your cousin Carol to have a baby?" Mom gestured in Carol's direction, who was staring at me angrily, but staying silent. I felt the urge to vomit. I knew Carol had had two miscarriages. I also knew killing a rabbit would do nothing to help her.

"Killing that rabbit won't do that," I said weakly, with ten hostile women staring at me.

Mom sighed. Aunt Glenda spoke up. "Come on, let's move along," she said. "The time draws near."

Mom leaned in closer to me. "You have to," she said. "You can look away." She sat me back down.

"NO," I yelled, lunging for the rabbit hutch. Aunt Jean and Glenda quickly had both of my arms. "Look, kid, if you don't do this, you're out," Jean grumbled.

"I don't care!" I yelled and squirmed, until Glenda stepped painfully with her heel on my foot. "Ow!"

"Out," Glenda said. "You leave the family."

I looked at my mom, sure that she would say otherwise. But she didn't. "I'll take her," she said quietly.

"You can't seriously mean -"

"Let's talk outside," Mom said, grabbing me.

And we talked. And then I gathered up my clothes. And now I'm in this shitty motel, an hour away, with a wad of cash, and I have to find a place to live and a job. Just like that.

I wrote it down so I can read it tomorrow, because I can hardly believe it happened.

Dear Diary,

It's been a long time since I wrote. It was too much to bear. I've moved in with a couple of nice twenty-something college students who live off-campus, and I work at the campus cafeteria all week. It's barely enough to make ends meet, but it works.

The worst part is I can't talk to anyone from home, other than my best friend Alice. Everyone else was told I was having a mental health crisis. And everyone was told it was a lie, what I was going to say. Alice believes me, but she can't help me. Every day is so hard, but I am doing my best.

Dear Diary,

Today I opened the mail. There was a package for me, but it must have been hand delivered because it had no return address. It was really small, so it couldn't be too dangerous, right?

When I opened it, a fake rabbit's foot charm fell out, along with a piece of paper. All the paper said was, "we dedicated one to you :)"

I don't think they dedicated it to me having a baby.

[books-and-catears]

Hello! You probably won’t see this, but I recently found your account and it’s been my safe space! I’ve been having really bad days and when I read your stuff I feel a lot better, so I would like to thank you. I actually downloaded tumbler because of you! So, here’s my question, how would the brothers react to a Suicidal MC? Or MC saying they don’t want to live? I’m sorry if this is too heavy of a concept or dumb, I just wanted to ask cause I haven’t been doing great. Love your account! :)

Oh dear, I'm so sorry...*hugs tight* I'm so grateful that this could be your safe space, and I'm so sorry about what you're going through. You don't deserve any of it, and I'm sure it'll pass. And this is not a dumb concept at all, I found myself thinking about writing it a few times too.

Thank you for your ask and kind words, I hope this brings you whatever little comfort it can. Wish you nothing but happiness and love. And if the bad thoughts get too much, please reach out to someone near you okay?

Tw: Suicidal tendency mentions, Harsh language

Hold On to Me

It doesn't really go away. That voice at the back of your head, telling you to end it right now. The easiest way out of misery. It'll just be like falling asleep, a little pain and then nothing more.

How long had you been standing on that ledge of thought, simply frozen in place? Not falling, not pushing yourself back to safety. Living with seven more people doesn't help either.

Because who had the time to sit down and talk about it? Atleast that's the excuse you used to never tell them about it.

Until you accidentally let it slip.

They were visiting you in the human world. You were so happy initially. And then things just started going wrong...you didn't know how to stop it. It was all barelling so fast out of control. You were sick of it. Tired. And it reached your eyes.

And one of them noticed. And they followed you to your room only to keep on asking. And you couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I just want to end it. I'm tired. Tired of everything. I don't want to live anymore."

LUCIFER stares at you with wide eyes. Wide scared eyes only for a second before he clears his throat.

"Do you have plans tomorrow, MC?" He asks, his grip tightening on the buttons of his coat.

"Not that I can think of." You said.

"I'd like to take you someplace. Please join me tomorrow afternoon. And get some good rest tonight." He said, before leaving the room.

He took you by the hand to an old garden in Devildom. It was overgrown, dried petals of flowers long dead graced the grey grass.

"This is where..," Lucifer paused and threaded his fingers through yours. "This is where I saw Lilith for the last time."

"...." You listened silently in awe.

"We had lost the war. Whoever joined me had fallen. I was the leader who doomed them all. So this is also where I almost joined Lilith in death." Lucifer said softly.

"I looked at my brothers, in pain and bleeding, their wings and body burnt and figured. It was a long fall. But then something saved me. Saved all of us. Diavolo..he changed everything."

"...."

"If I did go on to end myself, Lilith would never be reborn as human, my brothers might have followed me into death, and I would have never met you."

"Lucifer...I-"

He stands in front of you, placing his arms in your shoulders and pulling you closer.

"I don't know if I can save you from what you're feeling. But you can be certain I'll give my all. You're not alone. Just like I wasn't alone."

_____________________________________

MAMMON shook his head softly, furrowing his eyebrows, like it was a bad nightmare he was trying to wake up from.

"No.. oh no no no, not you MC..." It was like the mere thought of you permanant absence gave him a million ounces of pain at once.

"Mammon... you're shaking!" You help him onto the bed, refusing to take his eyes off you.

He didn't say another word. He simply leaned his head forward and onto your shoulder. Your shoulder felt damp and his breath was unstable.

"If ya end it...I...who am I.. going to protect? No, I have to protect you from this feeling. I'll protect ya from it. I know just what to do! Come with me!"

"Mammon wait- wait, you're not stable! Where are you taking me?!" He was desperate and erratic. Keeping his eyes ahead, he carried you through the skies, taking you someplace you had no idea about yet.

"I've seen it okay?! I've heard humans say this shit and then be gone." His jaw clenched. He was fighting back panicking tears.

"I've seen them jump off buildings and swallow pills and more horrible things. They wanted to end it, they said. And they almost ended up doing it! But there is a way to save them...they need to talk to these 'specialists' who make these thoughts go away, I know it!"

"Mammon..."

"Just talk to them okay? I don't know how long it'll take but it'll go away! I know it will, MC...just please. I don't want to lose you to it."

______________________________________

LEVI dropped the whole pile of manga he was carrying for you. As you sighed and turned around in exhaustion, Levi crept up behind you. He stood closer now looking dead serious.

"It's not worth it, MC. It's really not worth it." Levi said gravely. "The people who hurt you or never cared about you will make a great big show of lies of how much they cared about you. And the people who actually cared will suffer in silence."

"Levi....You almost sound like you-" You cup his face. He hangs his head leaning into your touch.

"Right after the things had gotten peaceful in the Celestial Realm. When there was no need for the Navy or it's Admiral, I-" He paused.

He never planned to tell you this story. What if you think of him as weak? Or weaker than he already was.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's okay Levi." You insisted. But he saw the same tired look he saw in himself, on you. He had to tell you.

"I went off to the human world. By myself. Hoping to get lost or something. I'd never that useless before."

"...."

"All I did was worry my brothers. The only people who never made me feel like shit for not having anything to do anymore. It didn't feel good you know?"

You stood there in silence still absorbing his story. He blushed deeply realizing how bold he had decided to be suddenly and freaked out. You almost laughed.

"I- I- Did I say all that?! Oh no! I don't know what I was thinking - forget all of that MC, lets just go read the new manga I got!"

__________________________________

SATAN stood there silently for a minute before he sat down on your bed. He looked at you and patted the mattress next to him, asking you to take a seat.

"Would you like to talk about it? It helps more than you realise." He said.

You sigh. "It's... it's a lot. I don't know."

"What would you like to do right now? At this very moment." He asked, nudging your shoulder with his.

"I...I just want to rest, I guess. I can't think of anything else." You said, throwing your hands in the air.

"Then let's rest." He falls back on the bed, holding his hand out to you. You take it and he pulls you down too.

You both lie there, staring at the ceiling in silence, his fingers softly caressing your knuckles. You felt yourself calming down, an odd sense of calm filling the air.

"This feels better?" He asked, looking over at you. You nodded.

"There's always things you'll want to do. And they will give you happiness no matter how much." Satan said, inching closer.

"Please don't deny yourself that happiness, MC. You deserve every bit of it."

"Satan..."

"And if you're feeling overwhelmed, I'm always here. I'll hold your hand and do whatever makes you a little happier. You mean too much to me, MC...I don't want you to feel this way alone."

________________________________

ASMO's eyes brimmed up with tears within seconds. "Don't... don't say things like that, MC..."

"Just leave Asmo. Please, I'm sorry I'm just not in a good state of mind." You said, exasperated.

"That's all the more reason I can't leave you alone, darling." Asmo moved ahead and swiftly put his arms around you, his head resting on top of yours.

"I can't talk right now, Asmo. I need some space okay? I don't any control what I might say to you and hurt you." You prodded. Everything felt unpleasant and suffocating.

"I don't mind MC." Asmo smiled. "You humans have such a self destructive pride - you push others away when you need them most. And hide your sadness with rage. A few of my own brothers do too."

"...."

"You can say whatever you want to me. Be as angry as you can. Curse all you want. I know you won't mean it."

He smiles the prettiest smile, pressing a chaste kiss on the top of your head. And you relax into his hug.

_________________________________

The TWINs had come together and they exchanged horrified glances. Beel moved first and stood right before you. "MC..."

"Not now, Beel...just please, let me be awhile. I'm too tired for this." You try to reason.

He simply cups your face, stroking a stray tear running down your cheek. When did you even start to cry? "You're hurting inside. This is why you haven't been eating?"

"I'm just not hungry, Beel. That all."

"And you haven't been sleeping well either have you?" Belphie reached out a stroked the bags under your eyes. "Stop doing this to yourself, MC."

You move back letting both their hands fall off you. Too much at once. You couldn't take it right now.

"You don't get to tell me what to do or not do with myself. Besides I'm fine. I just need to be alone for a while."

"You need space, we get it. But please don't do anything stupid. We're right on the other side of the door." Belphie tugged at Beel's jacket. "Let's go Beel. MC just needs some alone time."

Beel dashed out only to come back within seconds with a handful of snacks and your favourite ice cream. "Please don't starve yourself."

"....I won't Beel, don't worry. Thank you for all this."

Belphie puffed up your pillow before he left. "I enchanted the pillow. You'll have a good sleep and no nightmaresa. We're right here when you need us."

"Thank you Belphie..."

[soft-pine]

Timeline of Every Anecdote from Dean's Childhood in Supernatural

winc*sties this is not for you. i'm a survivor of familial CSA and i don't want to see you in my notes.

This is super open to feedback and suggestions if I missed something. This also includes a few quotes and things from a couple of the tie-in novels where they don't conflict with canon.

Content notes: death, child abuse, alcohol

1983

Dean is 4

John & Mary used to call Dean their “little piglet” because he liked to eat so much. [1]

Dean played T-ball. [2]

Mouse Trap is Dean's favorite game. [3]

Mary would feed Dean tomato-rice soup when he was sick. [4]

Mary would sing "Hey Jude" as a lullaby. [5]

Dean really likes Mary's meatloaf. He doesn't know she gets it from Piggly Wiggly. [6]

Between May and November John and Mary had a fight and John left home for a few days. [7]

November 2 - Mary Winchester dies, Sam is 6 months old.

November 6 - Mary Winchester's funeral. Her uncle arranges a headstone even though she doesn't have a body. [8] John Doesn't go. [9]

Before November 16 – They're staying with friends, Mike and Kate. [8] John Meets Missouri. [11]

November 16 – John walks out of Mike & Kate's. Takes boys to Julie's. Goes to see Missouri. Julie gets killed. They leave Lawrence. [12] “Got the hell out of Lawrence. If I never go back, it'll be too soon. Not for Dean, though. The first thing he wanted to know was when we would go remember a home [sic]. But we don't have a home anymore, Dean. The sooner you get used to that, the better.” [13]

John leaves a box of pictures in the basement of the house. [14]

November 20 – Dean sees John kill a shapeshifter. [15] “Dean walked out of the roadhouse right when I put the final bullet into the shape-shifter's head. And he said, 'Why'd you kill him, Dad?'” [16]

November 21 – Boys are with Pam & Bill in Elgin. John's first night away from them. [17] “Here's what I wish I could say to Dean – Your brother's too young to understand any of this, but you're beginning to. And that scares me. Since your mother died, I've seen unspeakable things, and now you've seen them and that's my fault.... Until then, I can only pray that you're strong enough to look after Sam. One of us has to be.” [18]

November 25 – John meets Pastor Jim. [19]

November 29 – John gets the boys from Elgin & leaves. [20]

December - Dean still hardly talks. He never budges from John's side – "or from his brother. Every morning, Dean is inside the crib, arms wrapped around baby Sam. Like he’s trying to protect him from whatever is out there in the night. [21]

December 11 - Sammy has finally started sleeping through the night, and now that Dean shares a bed with him, he’s out like a light as well. [22]

December 25 - "a crooked two foot tall plastic tree, a bunch of junk food stuffed in the stockings, and a pile of sports equipment for the boys… football, basketball, soccer." [23]

December 29 - “Dean hasn't been the same since he saw me kill that shape-shifter. I don't know how to talk to him about it. He's not even five years old. Most kids his age don't even have a clear idea what death is, and he's seen it up close and personal. What do I say to him? How old does he have to be before I tell him the truth?”[24]

13.21 (okay this is technically in a dream of Sam's)

http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/John%27s_Journal_(diary_entries)

14.17

5.13

5.13

12.2

5.16

2.04

"John's Winchester's Journal" by Alex Irvine

http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/John%27s_Journal_(diary_entries)

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

1.09

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/John%27s_Journal_(diary_entries) & John's Journal

http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/John%27s_Journal_(diary_entries) & John's Journal

http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/John%27s_Journal_(diary_entries) & John's Journal

John's Journal

1984

Dean is 5

“I realized I can't leave [Dean] in school... I know he should be able to run around with other kids, who don't know how to field-strip the Browning. Well, Dean doesn't either, yet. But he's learning. He's got a talent for guns. I can see it already. And he'll need it.” [1]

May 2 – John meets Daniel Elkins. [2]

May 17 - “Sammy took his first steps yesterday. He walked toward Dean, then fell flat on his face and started crying. Life is tough, kid. Do I sound like a proud dad? I am.” [3]

1-3. John's Journal

1985

Dean is 6

January 24 - “It's been more than a year since he saw me kill a shape-shifter. He doesn't talk about it anymore. And he's stopped asking when he's going to go to school. Maybe this year, now that he's a little older, now that he knows a little more about things. I've been teaching him. Not the worst stuff, but enough so he knows that there are things that go bump in the night.” [1]

September 7 – Dean's first day of school. [2] “He asked on the way in whether kids in school learned the same stuff he'd been learning. I had to tell him that maybe it wasn't a good idea for him to talk about Dad's job on the playground. He came home on the top of the world, and he brought me worksheets with the names of the different parts of a fish...” [3]

November 2 - “Dean saw something on my face, or maybe it was just that he knew what day it is. When I got here, he came up to me and asked if I'd had a tough hunt. I couldn't talk for a minute.” [4]

November 14 – John takes Dean shooting the first time. “Took Dean shooting. If he's big enough to try to comfort me, he's big enough to start learning the tools of the trade. I only let him fire the .22, but he is a deadeye marksman. My drill sergeant would have taken him over me in a second. Times like this, I sure am proud of my boy. I have a feeling it will be different with Sammy. Maybe he's just too young to show it, but I don't think he's got the same kind of killer instinct.” [5] John takes Dean out shooting for the first time, using bottles as target practice. According to Dean, he "bullseyed every one of them." Dean remembers this story as him being “6 or 7." Dean cites this story as one of the fonder memories of his father. [6]

Rufus spent the whole year being nice. It was the worst year of his life.

1-5. John's Journal

6. 2.06

1986

Dean is 7. “For his seventh birthday, I took Dean shooting again. He wanted to fire one of the big guns – that's what he called them. I let him shoot the Browning, but I steadied his hands. Sammy wanted me to help him make Dean a card.” [1]

Dean starts having a crush on Daisy Duke. [2]

April 16 – Bill Harvelle dies. [3]

May 2 - “Sammy is three years old today. We celebrated with ice-cream cake. He was still wearing most of it when he fell asleep. Dean's sleeping too, the two of them in the same bed. The room only has one bed. I'll sleep on the floor... Some nights it's enough to watch them sleep, and know that if they start having a nightmare, I'll be right there to stop it.” [4]

September 5 – Dean starts second grade. “I watch him like a hawk. He makes me swear that I'll take good care of Sammy before he'll go to school. God, I love that kid.... Sammy's a very different kid. He hasn't taken to the idea of hunting bad guys, and he's still too young to really understand what it means to avenge his mother.” [5]

November 2 – “Dean watches his little brother like a hawk every minute, with an expression on his face that says he's willing to die to keep Sammy safe. [Mary] doesn't know how it tears me up inside to see that expression, and to know that it's there because I have drilled it into Dean that Sammy is his responsibility. He's eight [sic] years old, and I've told him his brother's life is in his hands. Mary, I didn't have any right to do that. But what else could I do?” [6]

John began the masked vampire case - looking into killings and kidnappings along Route 77. [7]

John's Journal

11.13

2.06, 2.14 & John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

15.20

1987

Dean is 8

January 24 - Dean's school has a party for him then John takes them to Chuck E. Cheese's. [1]

John takes Dean and Sam on a donkey ride at the Grand Canyon. Dean’s donkey is very flatulent which Sam finds very funny. [2]

May 2 – John has to pull Dean out of school because a demon knows where they are. “Dean understands.” [3]

May 17 - “I'm starting to figure out you can move a kid from school to school every month, and the schools deal with it because they have to. A part of me wonders how the kids deal with it. But sons have to be soldiers. And soldiers adapt.” [4]

July 13 – A hunt goes bad for John in Portland, Maine. “We were almost to the New Hampshire state line and I'd told Dean a little about what had happened, because I was so frustrated and ashamed that I had to talk to someone. Sammy was asleep the whole time. Then Dean asked me one of those killer questions that little kids come up with. 'Dad,' he says, 'Won't the manitou go after other people now?' That's a hard thing to face. Not that he asked the question, or that he was right, but that he had a better sense of right and wrong than I did.” [5]

November 2 - “Dean asked me today what she looked like. He never talks about her on any other day but this one. I couldn't even show him a picture, so I told him what you tell a boy who asks about his dead mother. I told him that she was beautiful and kind and she loved him and Sammy more than anything in the world.” [6]

Dean has begun hunting. [7]

John's Journal

8.21

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

11.08

1988

Dean is 9

January 24 - “We're on our third move, so he might not finish third grade. He calls himself the New Kid all the time. He's been to three schools already this year. Who knows how many more.” [1]

May 2 - John is hunting a Shtriga in Wisconsin when he leaves Sam and Dean alone in a hotel room. Dean gets bored and goes out and comes back to find the Shtriga attacking Sammy. John returns in time to scare the Shtriga off. [2] “I could blame Dean, but it's my fault. There's enough blame to go around. I missed the kill, and I left Dean watching Sam, and he couldn't pull the trigger when he needed to. I haven't taught him well enough. If he is weak like that again, my boys will die... but what kind of father am I to put my a nine-year-old boy in a situation where he might have to kill to protect his brother? I'm the kind of father I have to be. I'm the kind of father who teaches his boys that no man or monster can kill their mother and get away with it.” [3]

They know Pastor Jim by this point. [4]

Dean and Sam (5) were playing dress up as Batman and Superman and jump of the roof of a shed. Sam breaks his arm and Dean took him to the E.R. on the handlebars of his bike. [5]

May – John knows Bobby by now. [6]

December 5 - “Dean's teacher called to tell me that he got a subscription to Weekly World News, and had it delivered to school. How is he paying for it? I could ask him, but he's already too sharp to give me a straight answer. And I could force him to, but there's no point. If that makes him feel more at him in this world...” [7] (Dean later misremembers the name of the newspaper.[8])

At some point before now Dean is given his first beer by Fred Jones in Salt Lake City. [9]

John's Journal

1.18

John's Journal

1.18

9.15 (mentioned again in 11.08)

John's Journal

John's Journal

2.03

8.08. He also apparently gives Sam his first beer too but it's unlikely it was this same time?

1989

Dean is 10

January 24 - “Dean turns ten today. Regan out of office.” [1]

Dean knows how to drive. [2] “Not young like I was when he actually taught me how to drive.” [3] (If Sam learned to drive by 9 (see 1992), it stands to reason Dean would have learned at least that early if not sooner.)

“When I was 10, I got my first B&E from borrowing some family's pay-per-view so I could watch the cage match between you and the Tower of Power.” [4]

May 2 – Sam turns six. John sends him to kindergarten. “He's such a different kid than Dean. Quiet, watchful. He's learned that there are things to fear in the world, but where Dean wants to fight them, you get the sense that Sammy watches, learns.” [5]

July 4 – Dean & Sam are in a day camp. Staying nights with Pastor Jim – camping in his yard. “On the fifth day of the camp, Dean was canoeing through an easy rapids on the Blue Earth River. Things went bad. Dean swore to me when he came back that he'd seen something – only he said 'someone' – capsize the canoe. I didn't think about it too much... until the next week when another canoe went over and the counselor paddling it died.” John pulls them from camp. [6]

Dean: "You couldn't been more than 5— you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom? Why do we always have to move around? Where'd Dad go when he'd take off for days at a time? I remember I begged you, "Quit asking, Sammy. Man, you don't want to know.... I just wanted you to be a kid... Just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you... Keep you safe... Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job... I had one job..." [7]

November 2 - “Today I overheard the boys talking about her, about her death. Sammy's old enough to be asking hard questions, and I think that's making Dean think about some things that he'd put away until now. He's a tough little kid, Dean. Like me. But he's also like me in the way he holds things in. Now his little brother is asking him things and he's got to figure out a way to protect Sammy while Sammy's questions put him through the emotional wringer all over again.” [8]

Bobby takes Dean to play catch instead of “practice with the double-barrel” as John had instructed Dean. In the flash back Rufus guesses the year is around 1989. “No, we didn't shoot rifles, as a matter of fact. We threw a ball around. He's a kid, John. They both are. They're entitled.... Yeah, I know I ain't their dad.” Bobby hangs up and throws the phone down. [9]

John's Journal

http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/Origins_1

11.04

11.15

John's Journal

John's Journal

2.22

John's Journal

7.10

1980s General

(i.e. there isn't a specific date mentioned for this but I'm guessing from context that it happened in this decade)

Sam sticks army men into Baby's ashtray. [1]

Dean sticks Legos into the vents. [2]

Dean eating all of Sam's Halloween candy sometime. [3]

John taking them to see World of Wrestling. Sometime before Dean is ten. Dean calls it “one of the nicest things” John ever did. Sam remembers John getting drunk. [4]

John takes Dean fishing. When Dean tells Jack, Jack feels from his tone that it's his happiest memory of John. [5]

Dean telling Sam a stupid joke to distract him from ripping off bandaids when he was little. [6]

The first beer John shared with Dean tasted like "crap". [7]

Sam's memory of Thanksgivings: “We had a bucket of extra-crispy and Dad passed out on the couch. [8]

"I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up." [9]

Dean says he believed the TV ads about Sea Monkeys having families [10]

Dean mentions a babysitter, Mrs Chancy, who was obsessed with the TV show Dynasty [11], which ran until 1989 when Dean was ten. This could be a lie he's just telling a kid to get him to open up about his babysitter though.

"Alright, here we go. John Winchester's famous cure-all kitchen sink stew. There you go. Enough cayenne pepper in there to burn your lips off, just like Dad used to make."

"You used to read to me, um, when I was little, I— I mean, really little, from that— from that old, uh... Classics Illustrated comic book. You remember that? ... Knights of the Round Table. Had all of King Arthur's knights, and they were all on the quest for the Holy Grail. And I remember looking at this picture of Sir Galahad, and, and, and he was kneeling, and— and light streaming over his face..."

5.22

5.22

12.11 & 14.04

11.15

14.17

15.01

15.20

5.16

1.22

5.06

5.06

8.21

8.21

1990

Dean is 11

January 24 - “Dean turns eleven today. He asked for his own gun, and I got him one. A Seecamp LWS .32 automatic, the smallest gun I could find that offered any kind of stopping power. Dean and I poured silver slugs for it ourselves and we loaded it with alternating silver and Winchester hollow-points. He's got it in his pocket now.” [1]

January - John is injured on a hunt in Windom, Minnesota, and goes to the hospital, where he meets Kate Milligan. [2]

May 2 – They've moved around enough that Sam is behind in school. John thinks he should do more like home teaching. “I'd ask Dean to do it, but there's only so much you can pile on a kid. Having Sammy's life in his hands is enough for Dean; he can't be responsible for home-schooling Sammy too.” [3]

September 29 - Adam Milligan is born. [4]

At some point Dean makes a sawed off. He's in sixth grade. [5]

John's Journal

4.19

John's Journal

4.19

3.03

1991

Dean is 12

February – Winchesters go to Albuquerque for a few months. Dean “even talked about wanting to play basketball this spring, but I'm not sure he's serious. I think he's taking cues from me, talking about everyday stuff when I try to keep us in one place. Then when we're on the road again, all he can talk about is hunting.” [1]

March – Sam played a sunbeam in the school play and talking about a science project to enter into the school fair. John working construction. [2]

March 17 – The kids play soccer. [3]

April 1 – John quits his job. Mrs Lyle kidnaps Sam – taking him to a regional science fair but not. “Dean came through. I don't have any words for how proud I am of him. His brother's under some kind of spell, there's a giant monster made out of train parts coming after me, and he has the presence of mind to find the journal and read the exorcism out of it. I almost lost both of my boys today.... How am I going to explain to Sammy that we're not going back to school?... To top it all off, I had to give Sammy a sharp lecture on not talking to strangers. While I was on the phone with Bobby, he just got out of the car and went up to a black Seville. I read him the riot act – Dean too, since he let it happen and it's his job to watch Sammy. All Sammy would say about it was that the guy wanted to know where we were going.” [4]

April 7 – At Bobby's. [5]

April 18 – Silas, friend of Bobby's tells John Sam is special. [6]

April 19 – John taking Dean deer hunting. “It's out of season but the Dakotas are lousy with Deer and Dean needs to pull a trigger to sharpen him up.... The hunting trip was nearly a disaster. Dean missed the shot. I sent him after the buck, a beautiful twelve-pointer, and he dropped the gun when he tripped on the trail. Then out of nowhere comes Sammy, who picks up the gun and lays that big boy out. A seven-year old... well, almost eight. Then he tells me that the deer had taken Dean's gun, and that Sammy had to protect him.” Sam got a ride from the Black Seville to the trail. They go back to see Silas. Dean & John leave for an hour but they see the Seville. Go back to Silas'. John leaves Dean outside with Sam on the porch but John finds Silas butchered inside. [7]

Dean to Bobby: “You used to take us hunting. Remember? Dad had a case, he'd just dump us on you. Shoot, you must have taught us most of the outdoor tracking we know.” Bobby: “Yeah, what I could get to stick. I never could get you little grubs to pull a trigger on a single deer.” Dean: “You’re talking about Bambi, man.” Bobby: “You don't shoot Bambi, jackass. You shoot Bambi's mother.” [8] (This interaction isn't directly referencing the story above but it adds context, I think.)

April 20 – John has kidnapped Anderson, from the Black Seville, stolen the car and Dean killed Anderson. “My oldest son is blooded.” [9]

December 25 - Sam (8) and Dean are at a motel in Broken Bow, Nebraska. John is hunting while Sam and Dean spend Christmas alone together. Sam reads John's Journal and finds out that Mary's death was supernatural, monsters are real, and that John hunts them. He confronts Dean, who confirms it. Sam gives Dean an amulet. [10] John suspects Sam has been reading the journal. Says he left them presents. Dean stole night vision goggles from the gun show in Amarillo to give to John from him & Sam. [11] “They're both starting to act out a little, because we're apart so much. Sam gets resentful and has trouble keeping his temper. Dean tries to fix everything and keep us together as a team.” [12]

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

7.09

John's Journal

3.08

John's Journal

John's Journal

1992

Dean is 13

January 24 – they celebrate at Mama Janer's in Flint, Michigan. [1]

March 30 - “I thought the lesson was learned back in Wisconsin, but the same thing almost happened again. I left the boys next at the beach in Two Lakes State Park and went looking for a skinwalker, and then it was Ichi all over again. Only this time the skinwalker took on the appearance of a park ranger it had killed, and nearly got the boys to come with it because they trusted the uniform. I still can't completely trust them on a hunt. I took it down, and lit into the two of them. Especially Dean. I have to be hard on him because one of these days I'm not going to be around, and he's the one who's going to have to look out for his brother. He's a badass, though. I thought I was tough when I was thirteen, but Dean would have kicked my ass six ways to Sunday.” [2]

John buys a Playboy featuring Anna-Nicole Smith, both boys end up reading it. [3]

June - Sam tells John he is afraid of the monster in his closet and John gives him a .45. [4] Sam sleeps with it under his pillow and sleeps soundly for 5 nights in a row. [5]

Sam wants to go hunting with Dean. Dean says John said no. John calls to ask Sam to come. [6]

Sam learns to drive when he's nine. [7]

John's Journal

John's Journal

7.22

1.01

John's Journal

11.08

John's Journal (mentioned in 1999)

1993

Dean is 14

January 24 – Dean goes to the movies with "girlfriend" (according to John) Katie. “Quite the ladykiller that kid. Like I was at his age.” John thinks Dean is like him and trouble. “He's like me. If i'm not careful with him, by the time he's twenty he'll have left a trail of kids and arrests warrants all over the country.” [1]

January – Motel Baba Yaga case. Dean says, “I was babysitting you when I was your age”. Sam says "I'm pretty sure that's illegal." Dean sees the nest, a pile of dead kids and has "nightmares about it for the longest time." [2]

May – Sam has been on a soccer team. He had a game and John took him bow hunting instead. They need to learn weapons because “there are demons after Sammy. He needs to know how to fight them, and Dean needs to know how to protect him.” [3]

Summer - John takes them hiking in the Rocky Mountains. One day he fills packs for Sam & Dean and takes them up a mountain and leaves them around dark, telling them to wait for an hour then try to find the way back and that he doesn't expect them for days. They find the packs are full of mostly useless supplies. John says it's a lesson not to trust anyone. [4] (DM me if you want the full quote. It's really sad.)

December 25 – Joplin, Missouri. Sam & Dean give John a book on theosophy which John guesses they stole. [5]

John's Journal

15.16

John's Journal

"Witches Canyon" by Jeff Mariotte, 195-198

John's Journal

1994

Dean is 15

January – Dean helps John “take out a spirit haunting a grocery owned by an Indian family in Erie, Pennsylvania.” It wasn't as simple as burning bones because of different traditions. [1]

May 2 – Sam asks for a computer for his birthday. John gets him a Macintosh Performa. “Looks like Team Winchester just took a big leap ahead when it comes to gathering information.” John mentions Bobby helped him get fake credit cards. [2]

Summer - Sam and Dean spend part of the summer being looked after by Donna, a babysitter (and maid at the Mayflower) in Housatonic, Massachusetts, while John hunts. One time John is gone for two weeks. It is the summer before Sam enters 6th grade, and he assigns himself a summer reading list. Dean possibly has a crush on Donna. [3]

October - They are living In Bismark (North Dakota?). Sam has a crush on Andrea Howell & has a really bad experience at her Halloween party, throwing up. Sam hides in the woods until Dean comes and gets him. [4]

Sam still believes in the Easter Bunny until close to here. [5]

John's Journal

John's Journal

5.12

14.04

10.12

1995

Dean is 16

January 24 – Montana hunting a werewolf with bows. John says he'll let Dean take the lead on the hunt the next day. [1]

January 25 – Dean does very well. Good shot. [2] Dean's first Werewolf. Sam go to the body burning. "So. I pick up this crossbow. And I hit that ugly sucker with a silver-tipped arrow right in his heart. Sammy's waiting in the car, and uh, me and my dad take the thing into the woods, burn it to a crisp. I'm sitting there and looking into the fire, and I'm thinking to myself, I'm sixteen years old. Most kids my age are worried about pimples, prom dates. I'm seeing things that they'll never even know. Never even dream of." [3]

Dean spends two months at Sonny's Home for Boys after being caught shoplifting. [4]

April 20 - Dean's award for New York Wrestling Champion. [5] John is in Oklahoma City hunting. [6]

Sam spends all of his time on the computer or arguing with John. “He wants to be in one place, live a normal life. The older he gets, the more he wants it. But the older he gets, the more I'm going to need him to help on the hunt. He's got to understand that.” [7]

November 13 – Sam's soccer team won division championship. John writes that he's proud of him and that he'll keep the trophy. [8]

November 24 - Sam has his first traditional Thanksgiving dinner at his crush Stephanie’s house. He has been attending a school called McKinley for two weeks. [9]

John's Journal

John's Journal

2.03

9.07

9.07

John's Journal

John's Journal

3.03 & John's Journal Book

5.16

1996

Dean is 17

January 24 – John takes Dean shooting. Then sends him to hunt. “I've let him take the lead before but I've always been there to back him up. This time he's on his own. Partly it's a test, and partly I wanted some time with Sammy. Should be no problem for Dean. Ghosts of two nuns haunting St. Stephen's Indian Mission in Riverton, Wyoming. Simple salt-and-burn mission. Nuns in love with each other, then discovered. Killed themselves. We scoped the situation out, figured that something must be left behind that's now a focus for the haunting. Bible, rosary beads, some small article that's hidden somewhere in their room. I figured Dean would take care of it no problem, but I still stayed close by with Sammy.... Dean took care of the nuns just like I thought he would, but I don't think I'm going to be sending him on any more solos soon.” [1]

Sam finishes sixth grade a year late. He's mad about it. [2]

July 4 - Dean and Sam set off fireworks in a field and almost burn it down. [3]

At some point when Sam was 13 he ran away for two weeks while under Dean's watch in Flagstaff, Arizona, living off pizza in a cabin and befriending a dog he called Bones. Dean scoured the whole town looking for him and worried he might have died, and John was furious when he found out. [3]

John's Journal

John's Journal

5.16

5.16

1997

Dean is 18

January 24 – John gives Dean the Impala. “I've taught Dean a lot of what I know about working on cars, which was everything until 1983.... He knows I'll still be driving it, but he's a man now, and since he's already made his share of kills, this was the only right of passage I could think of. He goddamn well better take care of it.” [1]

When he's 13, Sam briefly wants to be a magician. [2]

May – Sam has been having strange dreams. “Plus now that he's hitting adolescence, he's a giant pain in the ass. Dean just chased girls and snuck around with beers in his coat pockets.” Sam just shuts down or wants to argue. [3]

June 16 – John claims Dean graduates high school & gets a diploma. John says Sam will be graduating when he's nineteen and will be mad about it. [4] But Dean didn't graduate high school. He got a GED. [5]

July 4 - Sam and Dean “burned down that field” when they set off their own fireworks display. [6]

Summer - The Winchesters hunt a werewolf. [7]

November - Sam and Dean attend Truman High in Fairfax, Indiana, for 3 or 4 weeks, while John is on a hunt that was originally supposed to be 2 weeks but ended up taking longer than expected. Dean is in 12th Grade. It is the third school they have attended since September. [8]

John's Journal

4.12

John's Journal

John's Journal

5.01

5.16

4.13

4.13

1998

Dean is 19

Sam is a mathlete. [1]

Summer - While John and Dean are off hunting a Kitsune, Sam stays in Lincoln, Nebraska, and does research for them. While there, he meets a girl and has his first kiss - only to discover that John and Dean's hunt has circled back on him. [2]

May – John feels Sam is shirking his duty. Dean and Sam don't get along as well. [3]

July - Dean goes on a solo "five states in five days" road trip, but ends up spending most of it in Cicero, Indiana, with Lisa Braeden. In the meantime, John & Sam "tie up a hunt" in Orlando, Florida. [4]

Dean meets Rhonda Hurley, she makes him try on her pink, satin panties and he likes it. [5]

At some point they spend time with Travis, the hunter. [6]

4.04

7.03

John's Journal

3.02

5.04

4.04

1999

Dean is 20

January 24 – Dean in Ohio. “Hasn't called in a couple of days. Tracking a possible poltergeist. He's supposed to call in every night. Mission discipline is critical.” [1]

John's Journal

1990s General

Dean trying to cook Winchester Surprise on a hotplate with food (baloney and sliced cheese) that it seems Sam shoplifted in the rain. John gets home and throws it out. [1] In Lebanon John tells Sam he remembers this and apologizes to Sam for it. [2]

Sam and Dean visited the Cleveland Botanical Gardens on a field trip. [3]

Dean going to CBGB "way underage" and John coming to get him. [4]

Hunting the chupacabra in Mexico. Sam is an olderish teenager when he says this happened the year before. [5]

John making Dean be bait, [6]

Dean used to live on “Nerve Damage” (“10 times the legal limit of caffeine”) as a kid. [7]

Escalating prank wars? [8]

Could be 80s too: Dean: “Remember that wreath Dad brought home that one year?” Sam: “You mean the one he stole from, like, a liquor store?” Dean: “Yeah, it was a bunch of empty beer cans. That thing was great.” [9]

14.11

14.13

5.16

10.09

11.10

14.14 production draft. Corroborated by 1.20. Putting this in 1990s and not 1980s is very generous imo.

13.08

1.17

3.08

2000

January 1 – Dean has a terrible hangover. Immobile. John is also hungover. [1]

January 24 - Dean is 21. “I'd buy him a beer if I thought it would be something new. He's also old enough to buy his own guns now. I tried to raise him right, and it looks like I did. He's a scam artist, a ladies' man, and an absolutely loyal son. He knows what's right and doesn't hesitate to do it. I'm proud of him. Now that he's hunting on his own I don't see as much of him, but I know he's out there. When I call him on a job, he's right there every time. I've spent the last sixteen years afraid that I was going to screw him up somehow. Maybe now I can forget about that.” [2]

May 2 – John buys Sam a Mac for his birthday. [3]

1-3 John's Journal

2001

Dean is 22. He's away from John in Arkansas. [1]

May 2 – Sam & John aren't getting along. “He hunts when we need him to, but he's never committed himself the way Dean did. Dean's never known any other way to live, or if he has, he doesn't act like it. He's playing the role he was born to play.... I've given [Sam] more slack that I ever gave Dean.... Dean never even thought about college. We used to joke about it once in a while.” John wants to convince Sam not to go to college. Sam helps hide their trail of credit cards. [2]

Sam smokes weed maybe. [3]

John's Journal

John's Journal

11.19

Pre-2002, 2000s General

Sam & Dean driving 1,000 miles for an Ozzy show. [1]

Driving two days for a Jayhawks game. [2]

John catches Lee and Dean 'wasted' on a hunt. [3]

John plays Dean and Lee “Good Ol Boys” before hunts. “Listen up boys this is real music. [4]

Sam used to try to get him & Dean to do 'honest work' rather than hustling pool.[5]

The Las Vegs annual trip. [6]

Sam ran tech for a production of Oklahoma. [7]

5.22

5.22

15.17

15.17

5.22

7.08 (this seems like a stretch, imo)

10.05

Post-2002, 2000s General

Dean sleeps with Annie. [1]

Dean sees Lee while Sam's in college. [2] Possibly the 'cult thing in Arizona' 'what that thing did to that family, those kids.' Because Lee does one more job after that in Texas and retires.

At some point Dean hunts a Vetala and learns they usually hunt in pairs. [3]

7.19

15.17

7.11

2002

Dean is 23. John imagines he feels physically invincible. [1]

March 8 - Sam says he's leaving hunting to go to Stanford University. John says if he leaves to stay gone. [2] “And now he's going to college? He can go to hell, is where he can go.” (“Dean has always responded to discipline because he believes in the mission”) [3]

June 13 – Sam graduated high school (he's 19). John thinks he's mad it took him a year longer. [4]

August 31 – Sam leaves & John tells him to stay gone. [5]

September - Adam Milligan meets John Winchester. [6] (This could be any time from now til 2003 but I think it would be now because John will want to feel he can replace Sam or do something right.)

John's Journal

1.01, 1.20

John's Journal

John's Journal

John's Journal

4.19

2003

Dean is 24

January 24 - “I was twenty-four when I married his mother. Sorry, kid. Every boy has to cut the apron strings sometime, and for you it's not going to be until we kill off a supernatural entity that seriously needs killing.” [1]

Dean dates Cassie Robinson in Athens, Ohio, for a few weeks, while she finishes up her senior year of college (at Ohio University). Cassie breaks up with Dean after Dean tells her about hunting. [2] It lasts less than two months. [3]

May 2 – Dean & John are leaving Ohio. John overhears Dean on the phone talking about Sam. John notices Dean has been in a rough mood. [4]

June 13 – Dean hears about a succubus in Brooklyn from Richie and heads out quickly. [5]

June 21 - Dean is involved in a hunt for the father of Cole Trenton, in Nyack, NY. [6]

October 9 – Poltergeist case in Kittanning, PA. [7] John mentions that he's been visiting Palo Alto but not like seeing Sam. [8]

John gets taken from this year into the future in "Lebanon." He is sleeping in the Impala and Dean calls him and he tells him he'll be back soon. [9]

John's Journal

1.13

5.11

John's Journal

John's Journal 3.04

10.02

1.04 & John's Journal

John's Journal

14.13

2004

Dean is 25

End of June – John visits Palo Atlo & sees that Sam has a girlfriend. [1]

September 29 - John takes Adam to a ballgame for his 14th birthday. [2]

John's Journal Book

4.19

2005

Dean is 26, dude.

January 1 - “When I was twenty-six, I'd been married for two years and had a toddler. Dean's never been with a woman for more than a couple of weeks at a time. I've prevented him from being a father.” [1]

January 24 – John mentions he's been telling Dean more about the demon stuff he's learning from Bobby. [2]

Summer - John teaches Adam to drive using the Impala (this is after John gave Dean the car for his 18th). [3]

September 29 - John buys Adam a beer when he's 15. [4]

October 3 - John cuts off contact with Dean (John is in Jericho, Dean in New Orleans). [5]

October 28 – John leaves journal in Jericho & goes after demon. [6]

End of October – Dean comes to get Sam.

Dean: "I must have stood outside your dorm for hours... because I didn't... I didn't know what... What you would say. I thought you'd tell me to... to get lost or get dead. And I don't know what I would've done... if I didn't have you. 'Cause I was so scared." [7]

John's Journal

John's Journal

4.19

4.19

1.01 & John's Journal

John's Journal

15.20

General Comments

(i.e. just quotes and things that are either too general to place in time or give windows into Dean's feelings about John at various points)

Toni Bevell saying about John's drunken rages and weeks of abandonment. Also pointing out that Dean & Sam didn't tell Mary about it. [1]

Dean says he & Sam could have benefited from a mother's dating advice. [2]

Sam talks about worrying when John & Dean would be out on a hunt and he wouldn't hear from them for days. He thought about what he would do. [3]

Sam saying it seemed to him Dean & John bonded over hunting. [4]

Dean's allusions to liking dancing/wanting to be a dancer. [5]

John saying hunter gatherings were trouble and in general keeping Sam & Dean away from them. [6]

Dean: “I know things got dicey… you know, with dad… the way he was. And I just… I didn’t always look out for you the way that I should’ve. I mean, I had my own stuff, you know. In order to keep the peace, it probably looked like I took his side quite a bit. Sometimes when I was… when I was away, you know it wasn’t ‘cause I just ran out, right? Dad would… he would send me away when I really pissed him off. I think you knew that.” [7]

Dean: “Ah well, growing up it was a… it was always nice to check out once in a while. I like to watch movies where I know the bad guy is going to lose.” [8]

“you know kids, no matter what they still want the old man's approval” about an abusive dad. Dean agrees to it. [9]

Dean drinks to “crappy childhoods”. [10]

Dean: “Jo, you've got options. No one in their right mind chooses this life. My dad started me in this when I was so young... I wish I could do something else... Jo, you've got a mother that worries about you. Who wants something more for you. Those are good things. You don't throw things like that away. Might be hard to find later.” [11]

Sam: “his drill sergeant thing worked with you but it didn't work with me.” [12]

Sam: “Dad always said it was temporary, Dean. He said it for 22 years.” [13]

Dean: “And I get what I've been doing lately, you know, what with the yelling and the acting like a prison guard. It's just, that's not me. You tell yourself you're not gonna be something, you know? But my dad was exactly like this. All the time. It's scaring the hell out of me.” [14]

Sam: “I wish I could have that kinda innocence.” Dean: “If it means anything, sometimes I wish you could too.” [15]

“I'm starting to get why parents lie to their kids. You want them to believe that the worst thing out there is mixing Pop Rocks and Coke—protect them from the real evil. You want them going to bed feeling safe. If that means lying to them, so be it. The more I think about it...the more I wish Dad had lied to us.” [16]

Dean says he's been wanting John and Mary back together since he was four. [17]

Dean learned to use CB radios to look for leads from truckers. John used them all the time. [18]

“Growing up on the road, no matter where Dad dragged us, no matter what we did, there was always a TV. And you know what was on that TV? Scooby and the gang.” [19]

Sam: "And when we were kids how many times did we tell dad we were fine just to make him happy?!" [20]

Sam says explicitly that they had to hustle pool to eat. [21] Additionally, Sam says John made them do this. [22]

Travis: "you ever been really hungry? I mean, haven't-eaten-in-days hungry?" Dean: a 'yeah' so emphatic his voice cracks. Sam: silence. [23]

John: “You know, when you were a kid, I'd come home from a hunt, and after what I'd seen, I'd be, I'd be wrecked. And you, you'd come up to me and you, you'd put your hand on my shoulder and you'd look me in the eye and you'd... You'd say 'It's okay, Dad'... You shouldn't have had to say that to me, I should have been saying that to you. You know, I put, I put too much on your shoulders, I made you grow up too fast. You took care of Sammy, you took care of me. You did that, and you didn't complain, not once.” [24]

12.21

11.12

11.18

12.20

7.16 & 15.10

2.03 & 12.06

14.12

14.04

13.02

10.12

2.06

13.04

6.02

6.02

1.18

5.06

14.13

13.11

13.16

14.16

15.11

1.08

4.04

2.01

Shoutout to these great timelines as well! http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/Timeline_(Pre-series) & https://supernatural.fandom.com/wiki/Chronology_of_Supernatural