#I love her because every day I wake up and actively tell myself–

[wcbblife]

Paige as a girl/boy mom HCs!

a/n: So, keep in mind that some of these could be switched. Like this is just me exponentially running my mouth. I actually might do another part. Enjoy!

Boy mom:

Paige would absolutely be too excited for her son to be strong and old enough so that she can play with him. You constantly have to remind her to be patient and to at least wait until he can walk lol.

She would 100% put a basketball in his hands the second he has his first steps. I actually think she would even do it while he is still using his baby walker. Once he actually makes a basket, she’ll run laps around the house screaming because she enjoys the belly laughs her son makes.

She would read him stories and get too involved. Especially if they’re comics. She’ll be shouting out the sound effects and you have to walk into them bursting into fits of giggles. They both would have matching pouts once you tell her that he’s past his bedtime. (Btw she's definitely the fun mom)

Video games. That’s it. Although you two had a conversation about getting him into video games later in life, as soon as he set his eyes on Paige playing, he had been so adamant about playing that you both gave in.

She buys him a new set of clothes literally every other day. “Babe, just imagine him in this. He’ll look like a little gentleman.” Like it's crazy how much clothes he would have.

She definitely takes him to her practices sometimes and even teaches him as soon as he shows any type of interest in basketball. (This reminds me...Paige would never push her kids into one particular sport BUT she would push them into an active lifestyle so trust she will always be doing something with them.)

Him and KK would be besties btw. Even when he used to babble out incoherent words, I can just imagine how chaotic KK would be with a baby boy and Paige would 100% not make anything better. “Bababa.” Your baby blows a raspberry. “You heard him!” KK shouts, turning to him, “Damn little man, I couldn't have said it better myself.” “KK, language.” You deadpan.

Once he’s out of that fragile baby faze and into that toddler stage, I get the feeling she’ll definitely fling him around (safely ofc). Like she’ll pick him up and just throw him to the couch or on to his bed, loving the sound of his laughs.

Beach days go crazy with them two. Literally two kids. Sandcastles, water fights, beach volleyball. I get a feeling they go home completely covered in sand and Paige carries him back to the car while he’s too sleepy to open his eyes.

She’s just so fun. Always in an adventure with him especially if it’s really active. Like camping, surfing, hiking …etc.

Horror/Space movie nights with a pillow fort and popcorn.

Whenever she does anything fun with her teammates or travels for her games, her first thoughts are about you and him and how much fun you guys could have. Def keeps a bucket list of places for you guys to visit

You’ve definitely found her sound asleep in his bed with him curled up to her side. It happened when you ask her to put him to sleep after practice but she’s way too tired herself to get up and out of his room.

You think she secretly enjoys playing with his toys more than he does lol. Like you’ve definitely found her playing with them while he's long gone.

She could not cook for shit in the early days of your relationship but as time went on, she learned just to be able to cook for you guys. I actually envision her as a grill dad lol. She’ll definitely wake up early in the morning, step out into the cold weather and cook you guys some breakfast.

"If they punch you, punch them back harder." Mom.

Paige strikes me as a mother that would particularly show an abundant amount of love for her boy. She recognizes that, just like girls, boys need reassurance and love.

You constantly find them breaking into fits of laughter and giggle alone. It's the cutest thing ever.

Girl mom:

Paige is absolutely smitten and head over heels even before the baby girl is born. She’ll lay her head softly on your stomach and talk for hours to her.

Once she’s born though it’s a whole other side of Paige. She’s usually clumsy, but you never see her be so cautious like when she’s holding the girl. Literally sloth pace once she has her in her arms. Honestly kinda funny.

She’d be way too excited and paint everything pink and have everything ready for her MONTHS before she’s born. Before she was born, you'd catch her just looking or sitting around the room all alone.

Geeks about small girl clothes. Especially dresses and little sandals. You have to constantly deal with her sending you a bunch of pictures of clothes whenever she goes shopping with messages like “We’ll have a little princess walking around in our house soon.” or “I can’t wait to put this on her babe.”

Paige will 100% let her daughter put on makeup on her and it doesn’t matter how bad she looks; she’ll walk out with it on in public if her daughter asked her. Just imagine her sitting in a chair that’s wayyy too little for her, hunched over as your daughter tries her very best to apply some of that cheap kids makeup. omg.

Puppy eyes work on her almost too easily. And it’s hilarious.

“Hey…What did I tell you about candy at this hour?” Puppy eyes “Hmmmmm. Fine. But don’t tell your mother. And this is the last one!” Or… “I’m too tired honey…” Puppy eyes “Fine, let’s go.”

She does her signature hairstyle on her daughter’s hair, and it makes you laugh because she turns into a miniature version of Paige. Talking about a miniature Paige...trust that her daughter would literally copy her mother's sass.

Same with the makeup, Paige would let her daughter paint her nails. She always gets made fun of in her practices, but she couldn't care less. Strangely I think she would actually like going through her game pictures and seeing the chipped and uneven colors all over her nails because it was her baby girl who did them.

Protective as hell I’m afraid. Like she will not hesitate to smack the shit out of someone or scream at them if they're being weird or disrespectful or mean etc.

Matching fits. I think she would love to either match fits or color with her daughter (and son too dont get me wrong). Especially when showing up to games and they’re photographed together.

Watching princess movies with her is Paige’s favorite downtime activity. After a tough match or practice she absolutely loves getting home to her angel and just lounge around on the sofa while watching “The Princess and the Frog.” Especially when they either both fall asleep, or her daughter falls asleep and she carries her back to her room.

You’ve definitely found her sleeping on the floor next to the crib in the early days.

Paige in a rocking chair with her daughter sleeping on her. >>>>

Instagram feed would be full of her daughter's pics without her face. Even if fans know what she looks like she still likes to do it.

Paige would find it strangely soothing to play with her daughter's hair or even fiddle with her tiny little fingers absentmindedly.

[kyouka-supremacy]

what are your opinions on ch14? its one of my fav chapters tbqh so im curious to know why u didnt like it initially and what changed

Thank you for this question! Writing down your thoughts is always fun eheh. Predictable negativity on bsd storytelling and Higuchi characterization under the cut, so please don't read if that's something possible to ruin your mood!!

So here's the thing. We need a bit of context first. Okay, you might know I'm not a big fan of bsd's poor female characters writing in general. My first contact with chapter 14 was when I was watching the bsd anime for the first time. Higuchi is introduced as this woman who is very cool!!! She lured the main character into a trap, pulled out these massive riffles and started shooting everywhere. It was nice. Then, she's badly mistreated by Akutagawa, and it's gross; Higuchi's relationship with Akutagawa is so fucked up. And then the following episode 11 (that is the corresponding of chapter 14) is all about it, about Higuchi's fucked up relationship with Akutagawa, but like... Romanticizing it? Saying it's good for this woman to stay at her work place where she's made miserable on daily basis?

What's most distasteful isn't the beating up itself from Akutagawa, although that is sure to leave a very bitter taste (after all, as a shonen-ish series, violence is nothing out of the norm); what's highly disturbing is the clear unbalance of power between Higuchi and Akutagawa, or how Higuchi is constantly depicted as being obsessed with Akutagawa while Akutagawa is openly violent with her. And the way he reprimands her! And the way she's clearly distraught at his words- not to mention the countless times it's shown how emotionally hurt she was by him. This kind of stuff is depressing. Because like!! What if we didn't romanticize men hitting their female partners!!!!! The bar is *that* low!!!!!!

And Higuchi is portrayed as being obsessed with Akutagawa. She was willing to die trying to save him, even being aware she alone couldn't do anything to win over an enemy organization... Because apparently dying trying to save him would be better than living without him? Girl, you deserve so much better. The “it's not easy to leave the Port Mafia, but it's not impossible. I've thought about it many times. Yet I didn't, because... ” sentence is sorta implied to refer to the fact that she didn't leave the Port Mafia because she was in love with Akutagawa (Ryuunosuke), right? I interpreted it that way when I first watched the anime, and I still believe it's the phrase's main implication– also because the actual closing sentence “because it's my job” doesn't make any sense, as she's basically saying “I'm not leaving my job because it's my job”; it's evident there's a deeper meaning to it hinting to Higuchi having romantic feelings for Akutagawa (unless... the circular phrase is used to metaphorically express how she's hopelessly stuck in a toxic work environment, but I can hardly imagine the author going such lengths to express a concept they visibly have no interest in developing). Point is, the fact that she's basically saying she's willing to keep working for a job that makes her allegedly unhappy just because she loves a man is... Not great. Besides, Higuchi going “it's my job” at Akutagawa after he asked her sorry like???? Now, after ten months of being into bsd, I can find it vaguely cute, but you can bet the first time I watched it I was like. bestie, beloved, light of my life, your job can NOT be to endure abuse after abuse from your coworker. Get yourself a new job asap, and feel free to deck Akutagawa too while you're at it.

What's nasty about Akutagawa beating Higuchi again isn't the beating itself, as much as Higuchi being obsessed with Akutagawa despite of it, and their whole dynamic never being framed as negative. It would be one thing if the whole situation was framed as toxic but... It's very much not. It's not like the reader is lead to despise Akutagawa for what he does, it's just something that's there. The narrative doesn't look like it's going in a direction of Higuchi emancipating herself either, but rather learning to roll with the abuse thanks to fleeting rewards of acknowledgement which is, once again, gross. It's gross to display a model of woman who would stay in a work place that constantly mistreats and disrespects her because it's worth her abusive crush telling her “I'm sorry” once every blue moon. Hell yeah you are sorry Akutagawa! If Higuchi had chosen to cut off his life support right there I wouldn't find it hard not to consider it rightful and legit on her side. The way they handle Higuchi's character is gloriously catastrophic and there's maybe not a better example of how the author doesn't know how to write women, has literally no clue on... The fact that women are p e o p l e and any sane person would leave such a toxic environment at the first chance. But of course they would rather think any woman would stay stuck with a terrible job if it's for a handsome, brooding guy (bruh??? Bruh???????? Sorta crying right now sorry)

Then again, the issue isn't even the relationship being toxic itself– I mean, it sucks for Higuchi, but one can decide to portray a toxic relationship in fiction. The issue is that it's evidently not intended to be perceived as toxic. Nobody ever sides with Higuchi, or voices the fact that she's evidently being abused; Higuchi easily forgives Akutagawa when he apologizes (it doesn't even count as forgiving because she never was even angry or frustrated at him to begin with what the fuck). Akutagawa hitting Higuchi is even used as a gag and like. What the fuck. Who in the world could ever find it funny. What the fuck.

Tbh when I entered the fandom I was very surprised to find out the cycle of abuse was typically framed like this:

Mori → Dazai → Akutagawa → Kyouka

when after watching the anime I definitely had an idea more of the sorts of:

(Mori) → Dazai → Akutagawa → Higuchi

(Very side note but at this point Mori towards Dazai barely counts as abuse, like what did he even ever do to him? Emotional abuse barely stands too since Dazai is, on admission of Mori himself, extremely hard to manipulate)

I feel like Higuchi and Akutagawa's relationship mirrors a lot what used to be Akutagawa's relationship with Dazai when Dazai was still in the pm, especially in the way both Higuchi and Akutagawa are obsessed with their own senpai and gaining his approval. And honestly, just as I am a firm supporter of Akutagawa growing out of his infatuation for Dazai and never forgiving him for what he's done to him, I also believe Akutagawa doesn't deserve Higuchi's forgiveness and could rot in hell as much as I care (joking, but also, don't hurt Higuchi and then expect to have my sympathy).

Plus, THE WHOLE “this female leader becomes useless and powerless as soon as her talented partner is out of the game” the episode carries through like NNNNGGGHHH biting biting chewing wood then why did you even make her leader in the first place???? Like what's the point???????? The rethoric that women are literally useless without a man?????????? I get that this chapter came out around 2013 but like. C'mon. So did Kill la Kill and Psycho-Pass. C'mon. (Also the “we won't recognize the legitimacy of this woman's authority until she demonstrates she's willing to die / throws herself in a suicide mission” but that's a whole different category of “saving other people's lives gives me permission to keep living” “people can't live unless someone tells them ‘it's okay to go on’ ” bsd fucked up morals this post is already too long to get into)

But like (and here starts the nicer section): time has passed since I watched the episode and read the chapter. I reluctantly grew fonder of both Akutagawa and Higuchi. And despite the fact that everything I've said still stands... Akutagawa did say sorry. We never saw him interact with Higuchi after that, which leaves space to hope he's changed in the way he behaves with her (more likely author has realized how fucked up and nasty the whole thing was and opted to never show them interact again, but eh). And while Akutagawa saying sorry didn't effect me at all when I first watched it, because what he did to Higuchi is unforgivable (that much I still believe)... He still apologized. When I first watched the episode, I didn't care the slightest about Akutagawa– besides despising him for how he treated Higuchi, of course. But as the story unwraps itself, it's hard not to grow sympathetic of him, especially after learning about the Dark Era events / the Heartless Cur events / seeing him act in the Moby Dick fight arc too to an extent. I still firmly believe Higuchi shouldn't forgive him, and I don't either for what he's done to her, but as a reader I at least now have an explanation to why he acted that way towards her, and I can understand him. I can now catch more layers to him saying sorry, the effort it must have took him, the admission of having been wrong (which is a huge thing, like, what other character in this series has ever admitted of being wrong? So many characters believing they're infallible), the real intention of making amends and learn from his mistakes which is... Admittedly nice. I mean, character development is great. Everyone is weak for character development, and Akutagawa's is a huge one. What were before words I would have forcibly shoved back in his throat are now reluctantly heartwarming, because they show an Akutagawa who's willing to change and become a better person. But from Higuchi's point of view, that still doesn't change how much harm and suffering he caused her, you know? That doesn't change the fact Higuchi should never forgive him for what he's done to her, just like Akutagawa is entitled to never forgive Dazai for all the abuse he was perpetrator of. I just overall think one's redemption does require amends to be made, but can't demand forgiveness. Akutagawa's step of apologizing is important and necessary for him to make amends and start to become a better person; but that does not and never will entitle him to Higuchi's forgiveness. I now like that scene some more because it's a big first display of development for Akutagawa's character, and because despite the bad writing I could never dislike Higuchi; I like it because I like to imagine that being a moment of growth for both of them, if I make myself forcibly forget about their displeasing canon characterization. I like it because I now like both characters and, despite rationally thinking they're most likely better off separate ways, it still compells me to imagine them being happy and in good terms together. I like it because Higuchi in Harukawa's art style is so freaking pretty

Mandatory tl;dr: I don't like the chapter because it perpetuates and romanticizes the rethoric of women being destined to be made miserable by a man their whole lives with no chances of getting out, as well as displaying a huge systematic unbalance in Higuchi and Akutagawa's relationship with Higuchi being constantly made weaker and dependent; I like it more now because I got attached to Higuchi and Akutagawa, because it shows a growth of Akutagawa and because I wouldn't be able to hate Higuchi no matter what.

Dear Op‚ you said chapter 14 was one of your favorite chapters so you've probably thought about it longer and way more thoroughly than me‚ and it's possible that after reading this there wasn't a single thing you agreed with. And that's okay!! I hope reading this made you view the chapter from a new perspective even if you ultimately disagree with my takes.

[nostalgebraist]

Frank @nostalgebraist-autoresponder will permanently halt operation at 9 PM PST this Wednesday (May 31, 2023).

For context on why, see this post.

(tl;dr this project been a labor of love for me for years, it takes a ton of continual effort, and my heart's not in it anymore.)

----

The blog itself will stay up indefinitely, it just won't make any new posts or accept asks.

Most of the code, models, etc. are freely available right now. Insofar as they are now, they will continue to be. The change on May 31 is unrelated to this stuff.

I've made various interactive demos of these components over the years, and the demos will likely still work after the bot stops. But I won't do any tech support or maintenance on them, and I would actively recommend against using these as a way to "get Frank back."

----

I want to emphasize the following:

The best way for you to "send Frank off" over the next few weeks is to talk to her just like usual.

(And not too often, because she can only make 250 posts a day.)

This is true for a number of reasons, and can be viewed from a number of different angles:

(1)

While it can be fun to anthropomorphize Frank, she is structured very differently from a person, or even an animal.

She does not remember anything, even between two asks made on the same day. Every moment is a new one, with no relation to any other.

If you say "goodbye" or "you're going to be shut off" to her on May 30 2023, it's just as though you had said the same thing to her on some random day last year. She can't tell the difference.

She doesn't know these things are true or relevant now, and she can't possibly know in the way a human would. She's hearing the words for the first time, every time, and reacting in accordance with that.

Think of it like interacting with a baby, or someone with dementia. Every moment stands alone. If you strike a sad tone, they don't appreciate that it's about something. They just know that there is a sad tone, in the current experiential moment.

(2)

Frank mostly operates on a first-come, first-serve basis. She can only make 250 posts a day. There is a limited amount of time left.

Be conscientious about the way you're using up "slots" in this limited array of remaining Frank posts. Don't hog the ride.

(3)

I'm shutting down this bot in part because it's been a long-term, low-grade source of stress to me. I'd like the last weeks of the bot to be as low-stress as they can be.

When Frank gets an unusually large, or just unusual, form of user input over a period of time, I usually have to step in and do something in response.

(if there's way more input than usual and I don't do anything special, Frank will fill up most of her post limit quota before I even wake up, and then the asks will pile up further and further over the rest of the day.)

Maybe I have to delete a bunch of asks. Maybe I have to deploy some temporary change to her mood parameters to prevent the mood from getting too high or low and not coming back to baseline. Maybe I have to turn on "userlist mode," which still involves a cumbersome manual procedure.

Or, maybe I just have to do a lot more content moderation than usual.

"Usual," here, means reviewing and (mostly) approving something like 20 different hypothetical Frank posts per day, every day. If I go do something fun, and let myself forget about this task completely for 6 or 8 hours, there's a backlog waiting for me afterwards. During busy times, there's even more of this.

Just, like, help me chill out a bit, okay? Thanks.

[unforth]

I had a day off yesterday.

And I can already practically hear the assumptions that such a statement is prompting the reader to make. Those assumptions are wrong. I don't mean I didn't work. I did, for about 8 hours. That's not at all what I mean.

I mean my wife took the kids out at 9:30, spent the night with her mom, isn't back yet the next morning.

There are things I NEED people on this website to understand about parenting. And I've talked about it before, and I'll talk about it again, because honestly the way that Tumblr as a cohort talks about parents makes me sick. Multiple polls have shown that only about 2% of people on here are parents. We're a huge minority, and we're constantly talked over, ignored, or accused of being bad parents (like, personally, I have had people reply to my comments or come on to my posts and tell me I shouldn't have my kids). In my case, being a parent means I'm almost 41, I'm married to @ramblingandpie, and our children are inching up on being 8 and 6 years old.

My entire day, and therefore my entire life, revolves around them. I'm up most mornings at 5 AM, because that's the earliest they're "allowed" to wake up, and so my brain just defaults to being awake around then - better to wake up before them, at least then I get a few minutes in the morning. Between 5 and 7, I sit with them, do my social media, work on side blogs, study Chinese. Then it's helping them get ready for school, then my wife or I or both get them on the bus, and then I work until the last possible minute, which is either when I need to go pick them up for an after school activity or when I need to go down and meet them off the bus. My afternoons are after school activities, chores such as washing the dishes and cleaning up toys, talking with them, working with them, playing with them. Their bedtime starts at 7:40, and my son gets scared if I leave before he falls asleep so I sit with him until about 8:15. As soon as he's asleep, I go fall on my face, sleep as best I can, then wake up and do it again. Overnight, it's hard to sleep deeply, because about once a week someone will wake up in the middle of the night and need help. That could be as minimal as a hug or as complex as having to completely change the bedding on a bunk bed at 2 AM while also comforting a child who is afraid they'll be in trouble, or afraid they're sick, or afraid of their nightmare, or, or, or. Further, if a child is awake, there is always noise. I usually study Chinese with two or more competing sources of noise. I read the same way. My life is loud, and active, and consists of constant interruptions.

I adore my family, and I love my children, but this is terrible for me.

I do all of this as an neurodivergent introvert. My clinical depression is at least medicated, mostly because post-partum depression after I gave birth the first time nearly drove me to suicidal in under a week (we were expecting this and were prepared, fortunately, getting help was as simple as a phone call). The constant noise and interruptions and forced socialibility are about the worst combination of home-life I could be subjected to. I spend far too many early mornings just breathing deeply and gearing myself up to be subjected to the wall of Loud, Boisterous, Needing-My-Attention that is every minute when anyone else in the house is awake.

So what did my day off look like?

I helped get the kids ready to go and did some morning chores. I'd been up at 4:30 AM so I also had already social media'd and studied. Then, while my wife finished the preparations, I started work, and I worked from about 8 am to about 4 pm, straight. I didn't get hungry so didn't bother stopping for lunch. No one interrupted me, no one asked me to look at anything they'd built, no one broke my concentration, no sounds could be heard except those I'd chosen myself.

I'd been out the day before at a local shopping street and listened closely to the things the kids said they wanted, so at 4 I grabbed a couple orders I needed to ship for work and drove to our local downtown, dropped the orders in a post box, then went back to the shops and did some Christmas shopping in the 45 minutes or so before everything closed. I think I'm basically done with what we'll get them - other bigger things will be left to grand parents - so that's a load off, I literally had a stress dream earlier this week about it being 12/24 and having forgotten to do the shopping and having to go to (oh horrors) the mall on the day before Christmas. (Reminder: I'm a Jewish atheist. It's just virtually impossible not to Holiday in the Culturally Christian Hellscape that is the US. Also, my wife is Christian. So.) Found something cute for my wife, too, even tho I already know the main thing I'm getting her. Then, I realized - one of my favorite restaurants is on that block. So. I went there. I sat by myself at a table, only the indistinct restaurant hubbub around me. I read four or five chapters of my book, and ate a savory crepe, and drank lovely fruit tea, and got a scone to-go that I'll eat for lunch today. It was more than I probably should have spent on myself - about $25, including tip - but fuck it. I only get maybe a handful of days off all year, and I'm allowed to indulge a little.

Then I came home. There were no lights on. There was no noise. I had considered doing some more merch work while watching TV on the actual television (my kids are too young for subtitled shows, so usually if I want to watch My Shows I either have to do it on my computer when they're not around, or put them on and read all the subtitles aloud while trying to keep up and process the actual meaning of what I'm reading). But when I got back, the quiet and dark was so goddamn NICE that instead I curled up on the couch and read more of my book. I did that until bedtime - still about 8:15, because I'm exhausted. Then...I went to bed. And I slept long and deep, knowing that there was no chance I'd be interrupted and woken up, I didn't have to be, even in sleep, alert to every noise and possibility that I'd be needed.

I'm still exhausted and burned out, but even one night to myself felt really, really nice.

Saying "Tumblr does X" as a universal statement is doomed to failure, but generally speaking, the parenting posts I see on Tumblr, the ones with tens or hundreds of thousands of notes, speak what's apparently widely seen as a truism on here: that unless someone wants to spend 24/7 with their kids, to be 100% emotionally available at all times, is always kind and patient and perfect, they are a bad parent, maybe even abusive. I remember when covid started, there were multiple posts actively mocking the "oh god, my kids are now home all the time, how am I supposed to do this?" attitude that a lot of parents posted in despair. WhY dId YoU hAvE kIdS iF yOu DoN't WaNt To SpEnD tImE wItH tHeM?

Look at what my usual day looks like.

Look at what my day off looked like.

Do you really think I don't want to spend time with my kids? Do you really think I don't love my kids?

But I'm not a fucking MACHINE. I'm a PERSON. That's what people on Tumblr seem to forget. PARENTS ARE PEOPLE. The same tumblrinas who post ~uwu be kind to yourself rest if you need to, you should forgive yourself for that mistake you made~ will turn around, with zero sense of irony, and post "you're a bad parent if you ever raise your voice around a child."

Expecting parents to be perfect means expecting parents to be inhuman. It also means that a parent can't be poor (can't spend all your time being the perfect parent if you have to work multiple jobs or weird hours!), can't be introverted (can't be a perfect parent if you're not completely emotional available, god forbid socializing is exhausting for you), can't be on the ADHD or autism spectrum (what do you mean you forgot to get your kid to a doctor's appointment once? what do you mean over-stimulation can make you angry? how dare you get angry at a kid!), can't be depressed (gotta get out of bed every single day, gotta always be upbeat, patient, happy, or else that's Evil), can't be (like my wife) physically disabled (what do you mean your hands hurt too much to hold a child's hand? are you denying them touch?? CRUEL). And when the only answer you can offer to that is, "if you can't be that perfect you shouldn't be a parent," then you're saying people who aren't middle class to wealthy, people who aren't neurotypical, people who aren't physically able, shouldn't have children.

And honestly...what the fuck is your problem?

I'm not perfect. I tell my kids to just leave me alone sometimes. I raise my voice, especially when one of my kids starts punching the other, but also sometimes just cause I'm exhausted and Can't Anymore. I've forgotten an appointment by accident and felt like a total fucking idiot, and I've skipped an after school activity because I just wasn't up for taking them. I've served them more unbalanced, unhealthy meals than I can count. I've made many, many mistakes, but I've also done my best, and I love my kids, and I hope that when they grow up, they'll still love me even as they recognize that I wasn't perfect, just as I've come to accept my own parents' short-comings while still loving them very much. They're people, too, and the older I get, the more I understand where they were coming from.

When I fuck up, I apologize.

When they tell me they're unhappy with something I've done, I apologize, and I try to do better. Sometimes I even succeed.

This shit is hard, yo. And it's getting harder every year.

I'm BEGGING Tumblr: you need to start seeing parents as people. The way y'all talk about parenting on here is toxic, and genuinely harmful, and frankly exhausting. You have no idea what the reality of raising kids is like, and you need to shut the entire fuck up.

I had a day off yesterday.

I might get one more before the end of 2023.

I already can't wait. I am so, so, so tired. sigh

(if you actually read this whole rant and even a single word of it resonated for you, please reblog it. I'm tired of never seeing positive posts about parenting while I see negative ones with a bajillion notes.)

[entitled-fangirl]

That's a love rune. Casts a love spell.

Pelle x reader

Summary: Pelle carves the reader a love rune to make her realize their potential for each other.

Words: 2,122

Warning: Love runes, not forced love but manipulated?? Weird cult stuff

Author's note: This is my favorite thriller of all time, so obvs I'm doing this. :)

Masterlist

.....................................................................................

In the short few years Pelle and Y/N knew each other in college, she knew she wouldn’t be able to bear the day that he had to leave again.

It seemed that her wish would come true. Very true. 

Here she was, in the shared room of the Harga. Her bed felt cold and hard, and her eyes were barely able to catch any sleep. As hard as she tried, it just wasn’t happening. She sighed, sitting in bed, and rubbing her face with her hands. Her hair was wild from the consistent tossing and turning. 

She heard a noise.

Her head turns quickly to the side, her eyes scanning every bed carefully, checking on each of her friends. Pelle sits, two beds down. He sits on the end of his bed. He holds something in his left hand, and a knife in his right. It takes her a while to realize he’s carving something. He’s so focused, he doesn’t look up at her. He seemed to not notice her at all.

She pushed herself to the side of the bed carefully, her socked feet touch the ground cautiously. She stands, stretching her arms up. She didn’t want to scare Pelle. And she definitely didn’t want to wake the entire room.

His eyes finally flicker up at her movements, so vibrant, it’s like she could see the blue hue in the dark. Or maybe because as of now, his eyes were wide. He masks it quickly with a smile.

“Y/N, what ever is the matter? It’s nearly 3 am. You should be getting your beauty rest.” Even at the darkest part of the day, he still worried for her. Or at least, she thinks it’s the darkest part of the day. It’s hard to tell with all the windows and doors closed. 

She gives a soft shrug, walking to him slowly and quietly, “I’m not sure. Just can’t sleep.”

He chuckles softly, “Don’t worry, Darling.” He pushes his things further up the bed and away from her view, opening his arms, “Come here. Sit with me.”

She gives a soft smile and does so. Sitting by him always felt right. It felt cozy. And warm. Mostly because his arm had wrapped its way around her shoulders. “I’d hate to bother you from your… work, Pelle.”

He laughs quietly, “You did nothing of the sort. Truly.”

She takes this as an answer. “Tell me what you were doing?”

Pelle is slightly frozen in time, his gaze fixed on her face. What was he going to tell her? Whatever it was, he would have to say it quick, for he feared melting under her gaze if fixed on him for too long. A simple glance from her could send him to the moon or leave him in a trance for what felt like years. “It’s…. An old tradition.” Okay. He could make this work. But, Y/N is a curious thing, so chances are-

“How so? What is it?” 

He called it. He loved her open and curious nature, but in times like this, it could be his downfall. She turns her body to look back at the bed, but his hands come to each side of her shoulders, stopping her. They were now very close.

He could feel her breath on his face. It was driving him wild. He’d have to get this done, and fast. “It’s a rune. I’m carving a rune.”

She nods. “Carving a rune? Sounds interesting enough,” her voice was so soft. It made him want to reach out just a little further towards her and- 

“And why in the middle of the night?”

He looks down to the ground. Think of something, Pelle. “Uh, yes. I don’t find myself with enough time to do it during the daytime activities. And it’s a rather… intimate thing to do.”

Her cheeks turn pink. She stands quickly, an apologetic look on her face. “I’m so sorry, Pelle. I didn’t know. I hope I didn’t ruin it, or-“

His hand reach up to hers, pulling her towards him. “Relax. Nothing is ruined. Nothing at all. In fact, I believe it made it better.” His eyes bore into hers, as if he could read her every thought. If he could find a way too, he would have already done so. To him, this girl hung the moon and the stars. And if he didn’t already have a religion, he’d spend his days worshipping her. 

Her eyes bore back into his. “Are you sure, Pelle? I can leave like it never happened.”

He shakes his head with a smile, “No. I’d rather you stay.” He pulls her more towards him by the grip he has on her hands until her standing body is in between his legs as he sits on the bed. “Perhaps,” he even thought, “You could help me bless it?”

She shakes her head. “Bless it? Me? Pelle, what does it do?”

The panic sets in his head again. But Pelle was no idiot. “It helps things grow.”

“Grow?”

He nods. “It will be fine as it is, but,” He tilted his head back and forth, “it would be stronger with another soul to bless it.” He couldn’t have made this better if he planned the entire thing.

She lets out a shaky breath, looking down at his pleading blue eyes. She was a cautious woman, and while she liked Pelle, she couldn’t help but feel the strange vibes coming from the other members of the group. Or perhaps, just a dark spirit. She frankly was not spiritually sound enough to know the difference. 

He noticed this hesitation and pulled her closer, his hands now moving her the outside of her thighs. “Y/N. Please. It would mean so much to me.”

She sighs, “What do I have to do?”

He takes this as a yes. He quickly stands, turning to grab the ruin. He then takes her hand with his other and drags her out into the moonlight. Weird to finally see the moon after a few days. 

He holds the almost finished ruin in his hands, and holds it up to the moon. He brings it back down after a while, holding it out to her, “Now, you must kiss it.”

She tilts her head, “Just kiss it? Anywhere?”

Pelle is beside himself at this opportunity. Not only was it rare to have the scenario happen to a rune like this, but it was highly celebrated in the Harga. His eyes couldn’t look away from her as his breath became uneven. 

She takes it from his hand gently. She holds it in her own, her other hand running over the carefully carved dialect in it. For a piece of wood, it was quite beautiful like this. She looked back up at Pelle for one last chance of backing out. He didn’t seem to want to back out.

So, she pulled it up to her lips gently, kissing the top of it. 

Pelle let out a shuddered breath as if she had just kissed him. She was slightly weirded out, but the last thing she wanted was to embarrass her friend. She hands it back to him. “Does that work?”

Pelle’s smile was wide. She can’t remember the last time she had seen him this happy. “Oh, Y/N,” he said, taking her face in one of his hands, “You’ve done me an honor. An honor.” 

Still weird out by the event that just unfolded in front of her, she nods. “Of course, Pelle. Least I could do for ruining your quiet time.”

He seemed to melt at her words, “My need for quiet time could never outmatch the need to hear the sweet sound of your voice, Y/N.” 

While her heart felt something at his words, he was a friend. Just a friend. He invited her on the trip with their friends, and here she was, acting a fool. Dare she even think she was liking Pelle?

She nods, “I’ll just… go to bed now.”

He nodded as well, his hand dropping from her face. “Goodnight, Y/N. And may you dream the most pleasant dreams.”

She quickly retreats to the shared room, tucking herself back in. She tosses another 30 minutes in thought before Pelle finally enters the room again. He walks past all of the beds before stopping at the foot of hers. He quietly kneels, his hands reaching under the bed. He then stands up, his gaze on Y/N, and then he hesitantly moves back to his own bed. He simply sits on his, facing hers. He’s unable to sleep the rest of the night. But now, Y/N had no problem doing so.

Morning comes, and Y/N is awoken by Josh lightly pushing her shoulder, his voice low in her ear. “Y/N. Hey, Y/N.”

She stirs, her eyes opening to find Josh kneeling right beside her bed. She jumps back. “Jesus, Josh. Watch what you’re doing next time.” She pulls herself to a sitting position. 

Josh looks concerned. “Listen, Y/N. I… I found this under your bed.” In his hand, the rune Pelle carved.

Her eyes widen, taking it from his hand gently, “Under my bed?”

He nods, reaching down again, pulling a similar one into her line of sight, “One under Christian’s bed, too.”

He grabs that one quickly as well, comparing the two small pieces of wood in her hands. It was clear they were carved by two different people, for the markings were quite different, as well as the stroke of the carving tools they each used. She looked up at Josh. “Pelle told me that it’s a rune to make things grow.”

Josh takes the other rune from her hand, “Well I asked someone else, and they said it’s a love rune.”

Her eyebrows knit together, “A love rune?”

Mark’s voice is heard outside the house, “Josh! Y/N! C’mon!”

Josh sighs, placing Christian’s rune in his coat pocket. “Just, don’t tell anyone about this until we figure out what’s going on.” He then stands quickly and leaves the building, leaving Y/N by herself.

She looks down at the carefully crafted rune in her hand. Pelle had carved this just for her? She blinked. He is even more kind than she originally thought. And quite charming. Her fingers run over the markings. Maybe she’s liked him for a while but refused to acknowledge it. 

She looked up, dreaming about what he’s doing now. His long, wavy hair getting tangled as he runs his fingers through it. How he looks on his knees in the gardens. How skillful his hands are at picking the ripe vegetables. And his eyes. Oh, God, his eyes. She would do anything to have them gaze at her now.

As if her prayer was answered, a figure stood in the doorway of the house. Her head perks up, “Pelle?”

He walks to her quickly, kneeling by her bedside. “Good morning,” he says, setting a plate of food down on her lap, “Please. It’s from me.”

He failed to notice the rune sitting in her lap, now blocked from view by the plate. She nods. “Thank you, Pelle. That was very kind.”

Both of his hands go to her face, cupping her cheeks, “I would do anything for you. You must know that.”

She nods, watching him stand and turn to leave. His voice chips up as he goes, “You must stay here for the day. I’ll fetch you at supper.”

He walks a few more steps before her meek voice chirps up, “Pelle?”

He stops immediately, turning his body around. As he does so, she collides with him, having run from her bed. She wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him close and kissing him. He’s shocked, pulling back only for a second, before completely melting in her hold. His hands go to her waist, pulling her closer. The kiss is heavy, as if years of pining had finally led up to this moment. He pulls away, his smile bright. Both now breathe heavily.

“I shall be back at supper. You’ll wait for me, sunshine?”

“I’ll wait as long as it takes.”

He nods at this, leaving the house. 

She moves back to the bed, holding the love rune in thought.

When her eyes do move from the rune, they go to her bed, where a folded paper rests under her breakfast plate. She picks it up as well, opening it.

Inside, a drawing resides. It's Pelle and Y/N sharing a gentle kiss. Under it, a scribbled note:

To today and many more with sunshine, Pelle <3

Her eyes move back to the door in thought.

[the-phantom-author]

Wilbur Soot | Dadbur

Dadbur, dadbur, dadbur

These took like four days, and keeps getting deleted so there's more but I can't bring myself to rewrite them. Enjoy.

@starsyoubreaklikesugardust

As stated before, Wilbur could not hack being there during the actual birth, he is very supportive of you having whoever in there with you. You can bet that he is all in his head full of worry until he see the both of you. When he does he is in tears, like his two favorite girls are right there, healthy and okay.

He wants his daughter to be sleeping in your room for as long as possible, the crib is on his side of the bed, easy access for him when she wakes up in the middle of night. He does this because A) he’s worried something will happen in the middle of the night, and wants to be able to get to her as fast as possible and B) He wants to do everything for her as he can, the first couple of months are hard, both because a newborn is a lot and you’re still healing and trying to feel like a normal human person again.

He wants to keep his baby bubble as long as possible, he’s just in love with the sight of you and your baby, his baby, and he has this selfish desire to preserve that sight and feeling for himself (“No Tommy you can not come over-”). The moment that you suggest letting some people over he’s inviting everyone he knows. He loves to show off his little family, to anyone really, still doesn't love posting about it online (Wil and his weird sense of privacy).

GIrl scout dad (does the uk have girl scouts???). The most competitive person with it as well, he’s Planting trees? Science Projects? He’s doing it all.

He loves telling people stories about his daughter, If he’s waiting in line at the store, meeting a fan, or in an interview. He really can not help himself in interviews. “Yeah, with the new album we actually had my kid be the first person to listen to them, she loves them all.”Sometimes its just talking about arts and crafts that they’ve done recently.

He adores doing her hair, he’s really bad at it, but he loves that quality time. It becomes the main reason why he becomes a morning person. Once she starts going to school she goes to you to do it, but only after Wil has tried.

I also feel like she never left her “why” phase. Like you can overhear conversations that are just “What’s that” “A coffe maker” “What do?” “It makes Coffee” How” and it would just go on until either wil or you can’t explain it anymore.

Family trips, to science museums, petting zoos, aquariums, butterfly houses, and libraries.He really tries to make any outing memorable for his girls, because you both deserve the best.

When he leaves to go on tours, she always gives him her favorite stuffed animal, and tells him to take care of it. And he does, he’ll take out to any resturant or cafe or venue he’s in and takes pictures of it so you can show your daughter. He also picks up one stuffed animal every tour he’s on for her, and a bunch of small trinkets one from every city.

She likes her dad carrying her because he is 6 '5 and she likes to feel tall. She also expresses her desire to be tall by climbing on everything, couches, fridges, counters, tables, trees, honestly if you can name it she’ll get on top of it.

Wilbur likes to dance with her, no matter how old she is, he wants to dance with her. When she’s a baby, he likes swaying with her. When she’s up to his kneecaps he has her stand on his feet and does a poorly executed ballroom type dance. She gets enrolled in a dance class when she’s young and it’s one of his favorite activities to do with her.

She also likes to collect things with the both of you. Flowers mainly, she’ll always have someone press/preserve them. When she gets older she likes to send them to people with letters. She also likes to collect postcards and will demand that you go to the post office in every city you’re in.

He gets super into dress up, always gets proper outfits (Chefs uniforms, Princess dress, fFeather boas). He even gets his daughter to put makeup on him, this always comes with him making sure that she knows that she does not and will not ever need makeup and how it's only being used because it’s fun and pretty. He will always compliment the final look and make you get a picture of it.

He always hates when she has to go to the doctor's office with her. He gets really nervous, and is constantly sending you text messages about how it’s going and what the doctor is saying. Heaven forbid she gets sick while he’s on tour, he is constantly face time with you and he does make an effort to give her a shout out at every show. “This show tonight is for my daughter, who is unfortunately riddled with a really bad case of an achy tummy.”

There are several “official” recording of every song he has helped make, where in reality its just him holding her close to a mic as she babbles in babyish something that sorta sounds like the lyrics.

Wilbur can’t really cook, we know this, we know that he has bad taste buds, which means that he is no help in the kitchen. This being said he will absolutely hold his daughter on his hip, narating whatever it is that you are doing.

I am a firm believer that he grows a garden with his little family. Sunflowers, azaleas, whatever his two girls want. He’d be out there desperately trying to teach her how to plant flowers and grow a proper garden.

[lovelyyandereaddictionpoint]

Harvest festival thing but with...

Sebek, Jack, Duce, Epel,and Ace??

Harvest Festival | Yandere Twisted Wonderland x Crewel Reader

Sebek Zigvolt

“WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, (Y/N)?”

He would deny it up and down if he was asked

But he’s been fuming throughout the entire event

To see you wear an old tribal wedding toga enrages him 

Just at the visual implication it represents

So he’s oddly jumping at the opportunity to come to your aide

“It's nothing Sebek I’m simply regaining some energy.”

“If you need anything! I’m am here first and foremost!”

“Thank you, Sebek.”

He leaves you be 

Instead opting to ward off anyone disrupting you 

“BACK AWAY! IF SHE TRULY WAS THE GODDESS YOU PRAISE HER AS THAN YOU’D RESPECT HER REST!” 

Jack Howl

“Are you..alright (Y/n)?”

He pays a lot of attention to you 

Likeanygoodmatedoes

He’s noticed the way your painted eyelids droop

Or how you slyly let out an exhausted sigh

“Thank you for checking, Jack. But I’m just worn.” 

“That’s reasonable, you’ve been entertaining everyone all day. It doesn’t seem like you’ll be needed for a little while. I can…lend a shoulder if you like.”

“I’d appreciate that.”

Jack’s tail is going insane 

He’s happy this bench has an opening for it

He’s practically growling if anyone comes within 6 feet

“Grrr, can’t you see we’re busy!” 

Deuce Spade

“Having fun?”

He’s just trying to see if you’re tired because of everyone or tired because your bored

Because if that’s the case he’ll happily bring an end to it 

He’s a little angry when he watches you tiredly roll your neck

“I think so…just a little exhausted. That’s all.”

“W-would you like me to g-give you a massage?”

“If it isn’t too much trouble.”

“IT WOULD BE..*ahem* my pleasure.”

He’s trying to keep himself calm 

As he rubs your shoulders

He makes an effort to leave some space between your back and his front

Just because he can’t stop looking at the exposed plush of your neck

He’dlovetokissit

“Y-you can relax with me here  (Y/n).”

Epel Felmier

“If you want you can lean on me.”

He recognizes that painted tiredness anywhere

And he loves to be your knight in shining armor 

So he offers right away 

Happily offering himself while you’ve slipped away to rest

“I appreciate that Epel, but I’d rather not set myself to fall asleep while there's still the whole night.”

“Are you doubting me? I’ll wake you up before then.”

“Well if you insist.”

He’ll do his part 

Blushing all the while you catch some z’s 

And in the end, he really does contemplate letting you return to the festival

It’d be so easy to tell everyone you’ve fallen ill and need your rest 

But he knows that the princess academy will swoop you out of his grasp

So the best he can do is to keep you company occupyallyourattention for the rest of the night

“Oh, sorry (Y/n)’s dancing with me for the next-every round…maybe someone else will want to dance with you!”

Ace Trappola

“You hungry?”

He’s been watching you throughout the whole day

Who is he kidding, he couldn’t keep his eyes off you

Refusing to uncross his arms

As you were paraded around with Idia and the descendant of Demeter

He waits until you’re sighing alone

Making sure you stay that way by waiting creating the perfect opportunity

Swooping in with a plate already gotten from the now-put-away feast

Of course with all your favorites 

“Thank you, Ace. I, unfortunately, had to keep my plate small in light of the activity.”

“I saw. Babe, I don’t know how you get this kind of attention all the time.YeahIdobutIhatehit”

“You don’t? If you don’t already know you must not spend enough time around me.”

“Oh please, maybe I should spend more time with you, then.”

“Maybe you should.”

He knows your teasing him 

But he’s using it as his excuse to hang out with you pushothersoutoftheway

“Ehem got room for one more, oh goddess?”

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

dawg, lemme tell you somethin, I LOVE your writing style so far and I want more SO BAD !! I’ve been stuck by myself in the “I’ve been an arcana fan since release but now it’s like dead” hole, so I’ve been absolutely starving for content. Your headcanons are such a great length and so descriptive, each one feels like I’m reading a whole fanfiction, and it’s a real treat. I cant wait for more !! 🥺🥺 If I ever get around to scribbling some stories based on your thoughts, I am tagged u on SIGHT.

I’ve never requested headcanons before but what about m6 with an mc who walks with a cane?

The Arcana HCs: M6 with an MC who walks with a cane

~ thank you for the positive feedback @taduki ! I'm so happy when I find out my ramblings bring people joy. I have a few friends who use canes regularly, but I don't have any personal experience. I'm basing this off of the little bit of research I did and the experiences I've heard about, so if I make any mistakes please let me know so I can correct them ~

Julian

He thinks it's hot

He's a doctor, he's familiar with mobility aids and the many reasons someone may need/want to use one

Dude literally had three years of experience as an apprentice under Nazali in active warzones amputating limbs

He's the type of guy who loves learning new things, so once you're comfortable going into detail about your condition to him he will have so many questions

And then he's going to go do research about it

And then he's going to come back with even more questions

But mostly he just thinks it's hot, canes just have so much dramatic potential

Can you keep a sword in it? Can you use it like a club? You would make such a good pirate with him

Once you explain that it's actually easier to use if it's lightweight and easy to store he'll stop suggesting modifications

But if you have it with you while you're out and you don't feel like using it he'll keep it hooked over his arm or clenched in his fist because deep down he's a theatre kid

Asra

However much they knew about mobility aids before the Red Plague, they learned everything they could after you woke up

He's so tuned in to you he can tell at a glance what kind of day you're having and will act accordingly

When they were reteaching you magic some of the first spells they taught you were what they remembered you using to help with your disability

He has definitely enchanted your cane before, mostly with your permission

One of the useful ones was a shrinking/growing rune so you could keep it in your pocket

Less useful was when one of your customers made a rude comment about you not moving as fast as they wanted you to around the shop

So they enchanted it to trip them on sight

He forgot to tell you, you didn't find out until the rude customer came back on a day you weren't using it and you watched your cane fly across the room to thwack them across the shins

They're not allowed to touch your cane without your permission anymore

Nadia

The evening she first arrived in your shop you weren't using it so she didn't notice it until you arrived at the palace the next evening

When she realized she had been getting annoyed at you for being late, only to see you walk in with a mobility aid, she felt awful

It was also a wake up call realizing how many stairs you had to climb just to get to the front doors of the palace

She doesn't want to pry or burden you, but she's also deeply committed to providing for your every need, and there's a day or two of her waffling back and forth between pumping you for information and pretending there's nothing unusual afoot

Once you open up about it she's very invested

Every outfit she gifts you comes with a high quality cane, beautifully painted to match

After everything's done with the Devil and she's reworking Vesuvia's infrastructure she is definitely taking accessibility into account

She's not going to burden you with her education or assume you're an archetype, but she makes sure you know that your input is more than welcome on any and all of her plans

Muriel

That trip with Morga was hell on your body

You spent weeks riding and walking for hours with minimal rest, trying to learn physical self-defense tactics at the same time

He may be gruff but he's not cruel, he was offering to carry your bags (or you) by the third day in

Seeing how patient you were with both Morga and yourself was one of the things that convinced him to open up to you and trust you

He prefers speaking with actions more than words

One of the first gifts he gave you was a beautifully crafted cane, lightweight and incredibly durable, with the story of your journey together carved into it

He also customized it to work with you perfectly, because he knows better than anyone what a body in discomfort moves like and he's memorized all of your tells

When you move into his hut with him he makes trails through the woods for you so you don't have to worry about uneven ground or roots or loose stones

He is also very happy to carry you around if you ask him to (he will blush the whole time though)

Portia

It's cannon that the first time you meet she out walks you across Vesuvia

It takes her a little while to adjust her assumptions

Not because she thinks badly of anyone who uses a mobility aid, but because it's her job to be on her feet all day long and the concept of having difficulty doing that is totally new to her

There are definitely a few moments when she bounds up the stairs two at a time, only to wait awkwardly at the top silently berating herself for not paying closer attention

The first time she matches her pace to yours on a slower day for you her whole worldview shifts

Being the type to power-walk everywhere, this is the first time she's been able to notice all these beautiful details around her

Was that painting always there? The fabric on those curtains is gorgeous!

Now it's one of her favorite things about who she becomes around you

She will (and does) throw hands with anyone who makes a disparaging comment about you moving too slowly

Pepi tried to jump up onto your cane once when it was propped up against a table and made the biggest crash when she fell

Lucio

Ooh, nice accessory, he's got one too!

It should be shinier though. Don't worry, he'll fix that for you as soon as he's no longer an incorporeal goatman

He has no filter between his brain and his mouth, he is bombarding you with questions. Why do you use it? Were you in a particularly nasty fight?

For once he's not being remotely judgemental (except about the fashion sense involved), dude has an entire missing limb

Sometimes he'll reminisce about what it was like before he got the alchemical prosthetic he has now, and will ask you if you have any ideas for your cane

He is very happy to carry things for you and often suggests you use his golden arm to lean on instead

He says it's more fashionable this way, but really it's a point of common ground for him and he likes having you close and being dependable

If you let him he will absolutely buy a pair of matching canes for the two of you, yours to help you move around and his to make grand sweeping gestures with

[afra-blueraz]

🦋 Admin Afra talks:

There are three people in this fandom who write the best stories and all three of them are working on a novel that is not finished yet. Every day I wake up with the hope that you three will release a new chapter.

@callmeklair : her Shinyui fanfic

@shuyui-nether : her Kouyui fanfic

@diabolik-art-blog : her Shuyui fanfic. Moni come on. You left your story in a killing part.

I know that each of you has your own difficult situation. I just want to tell you that I am impatiently waiting for you. No matter how long it takes. I am waiting to read the story of you three in full.

So, before you attack me in anonymous messages because I have an unfinished novel myself, let me explain 😅.

This season is the entrance exam season in my country. Last year, even though I got the first place, I could not go to university because of the bad conditions in my country, and this year I have to participate in this exam again. And as you know, in addition to being a student, I am also a working person. It is very difficult to balance my work and my studies. And let's also consider that this year I had a side activity and published my first series of novels in my country.

All this made me neglect my paintings and blogs a bit. This is the reason for my low activity. Believe me, I received a lot of messages asking for the next chapter. And I promise myself every day to write a new chapter.

And as I said, it's hard for me to balance all these things. Also consider that I am only 19 years old.

Please don't give me disappointing messages that I want to leave the fandom. I love this fandom and my friends. I'm just a little busy. However, I will try my best to present you a new painting or a new chapter whenever I can. Thank you for understanding.

[massacredkitty]

How did you meet your gf?

I NEED THE LOVE STORY!!

ok fasten ur belts its long bruh

we met when we were both in bad places mentally & personally speaking, nat saved my life more than she really knows

we got close reeeaally quickly because we had the same interests and what not. and i was crushing hard she had me giggling and kicking my feet almost every hour of the day (still does...)

BUT she had a girlfriend at the time. and god help me because i was falling in love with someone i couldnt have

and then we get to APRIL. on the 10th of april i wake up, and im unfriended on everything and we dont talk at all, im miserable all day blah blah AND THEN SHE TEXTS ME

"i dont think we should be friends because it makes my girlfriend uncomfortable" UMMM........ ok. and then i proceed to cry for three days straight. i dont eat, i cry myself to sleep, i r*lapse. very theatrical of me but i was heartbroken

but through the tears i was lowkey whoring myself to other girls, which is when i found my now ex. but i just wanted someone to fill the void nat left (didnt work)

SHE EVENTUALLY COMES BACK, and we're friends again. she is still with her girlfriend and i am talking to like... 7 different women AND men i mean i was really slutting it out

eventually i get with my now ex but i am anything but loyal (shoot me I KNOW.) i was still flirting with other people and MORE, just searching for someone that reminded me of nat in even the slightest. but none of them were her

SEVEN MONTHS GO BY. im in a relationship but also actively fucking around with other ppl, nat and her gf BREAK UP. oh im pissed because now she enters her playboy era and is flirting with every girl that breathes and then shes telling ME about it

and i am mad as hell, i start taking it out on MY girlfriend. just causing conflict and tension to get the jealousy out of my system which i know is bad you dont have to tell me. am i sorry? not really

17TH OF NOVEMBER. nat decides to confess she used to like me when she was with her girlfriend, and she was falling in love with me. AND IM LIKE???? WHAT! it just flips my world over and of course i tell her that i felt the same, (both of us failing to mention that we were still in love...)

and literally the day after this happens, my girlfriend finds out this. now i had previously told her that i had never been in love before, a lie but i love to lie. so obviously she is real upset and breaks up with me

and i jump on nat's dick like... IMMEDIATELY. i ditch all my fuck buddies, my attention just fully on her. and we start flirting a LOT and its so cute theres so much tension and things we both know but dont say omg it was so fun

and finally FINALLY she asks me to be her girlfriend and i very happily say yes!

moral of the story i will do anything for my girl

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.60 Updates

I hated waking up super early and wondered how Sophia did it for so long. But I felt so slothful, sleeping soundly while she dragged herself out of bed every morning. True, I had nowhere to go and no reason to stay awake, yet I felt terrible. Despite our late night shenanigans, I was determined to get up and see her off for once. It was challenging, and I hesitated to commit to a 5:30 wake up time, but I pushed through and was glad that I did.

I wish I could spend one day in her head and see what went on in there. She was ridiculously funny. Like, what was there to laugh at that early in the morning? I didn't think mornings were funny time, but somehow she got us laughing. If this was a preview of what the rest of our life together would be like, I'd die a very happy man.

It was much too early in the morning to think about food, at least for me, but I offered to cook a fresh meal while she showered. To my surprise, she declined in favor of the leftover sauteed potatoes and mushrooms from last night.

"Really?" I said.

"I had a dream about it!"

I didn't think it was that good, but I'm glad she enjoyed it. And at least she had food to eat for breakfast now, seeing as she usually skipped it. How she could do her job on an empty stomach was beyond me.

I eventually showered and ate breakfast myself, then headed outside for yoga, grumbling at the sight of my dirty mats. So far, the only nice thing about desert living was the weather. Oasis Springs was my home for the moment, and I'd do whatever I could to make the best of it. But I sincerely hoped Sophia wasn't in love with this city because I couldn't bear living there forever.

As I dusted off the mats and prepared to begin my session, I remembered I bought a drone to record myself and set it up. I wasn't sure if I'd like being a content creator, but I committed to at least giving it a shot.

Afterward, I called my sister to update her on what had transpired over the last 24 hours. As soon as her shriek hit my ear, I regretted sharing my news, only because I knew she would tell Mama. Less would also have a thousand questions for me, just like Mama, but at least she wouldn't ask me about weddings and babies; I could deal with her shenanigans way better than Mama's. Still, I begged her not to say anything. She said she wouldn't, and I really hoped she was telling the truth.

As for her, she's looking for her own place. Mama gave her money too, so she wasn't concerned about finding a place, especially because Mt. Komorebi is full of shoebox homes. Paying the bills was another story, so she was also looking for a permanent job. Working full time meant she would have to spend less time on the slopes, which threatened her pursuit of happiness. But she'd give it a shot and see how she managed.

I mistakenly asked if she was dating anyone. She raved incessantly about the joy of being unattached, boasting proudly about her extensive roster. [sigh] Don't get me wrong. I absolutely loved how much braver she was than me, diving headfirst into this wild dating world and having the time of her life. But that was not something a brother wanted to hear about from his little sister, so I told her I had some work to do and got out of that conversation as quickly as I could.

I sat at the computer to record an introduction video for my SimTube channel. I had set it up a while ago, right after Sophia suggested it, but it's been dormant this whole time, waiting for me to decide making videos was a good move.

I introduced myself, stated I loved yoga and wanted to show everyone how it could help them live a better life. Without a plan, I messed up a lot and had re-record many times. Eventually, however, I did a take I liked and edited the video. Media production was new to me, and I struggled with it a lot. But even though I wasn't having a good time sitting there all that time not being active, I somehow found enjoyment. Maybe I liked the challenge of learning something completely new and foreign? Whatever the case, maybe I could do this SimTube thing after all. Still, I had to get up and stretch because editing videos required way too much sitting for my tastes. Just as I was about to sit back down, Sophia pounced on me from behind with the tightest hug. I didn't realize it was 3:00, and she startled me in the best way.

"I missed you sooooooo much," she said.

"Hey! I missed you too. I didn't even hear you come in. Did you have a good day?"

"Not really. But I have a list of things that will make me feel better," she said with a gorgeously mischievous look.

"A whole list, huh? Bet. What's first?"

"Last one under the sheets takes out the trash."

Need to catch up? See what you missed or start reading here!

[poppyandzena]

As someone with borderline in remission, whose sister has active BPD and is working very hard to manage her symptoms, it’s genuinely depressing to hear how P&Z talk about BPD and infuriating to realize how many people with BPD listen to Poppy talking about it like it cannot be managed. I worked so goddamn hard to get to where I am today, and I am so goddamn proud of my beautiful, STRONG, WONDERFUL sister for how far she’s come with managing her own symptoms. When she recognizes herself starting to fixate on people or spiral around incidents, she tries to reach out to people she trusts and listen to their input rather than immediately letting her fears and pain drown her. Sometimes she still goes under, and when she gets enough distance from these situations to see clearly, she apologizes and tries to make amends. She’s learning more every day. When her “fixation” suddenly left her in an extremely traumatic way a couple of years ago (taking their pets with them and spreading horrible lies among their mutual friends on the way out) she fought the urge to try to find her and instead contacted my partner and me for support. And she managed the emotional fallout without giving in to her impulses. I was so proud of her then, just as I was proud of myself when I had a horrible fight with my partner and had the stability to take a walk and come back ready to talk about it calmly rather than going to extremes.

If you are reading this and have been convinced by P&Z that those emotional black holes that open underneath you are just your fate and cannot be changed: please listen to me. It doesn’t have to be this way. Love doesn’t have to be a roller coaster, you can love someone and have them be a genuine place of stability for you. You can experience all of that joy without the dread of what comes when they cross the line between “favorite person” and genuine partner. The relief that comes with recognizing that you will be forgiven, that you will still be LOVED, is worth building towards. I know how painful it is to live with BPD, and I know how much more painful it feels to fight it, but the world is so much bigger and so much more beautiful when you don’t explore it constantly weighted down by dread. The struggle is worth it. I promise. I may not know you, but I know there is a path from where you are to where I am. Don’t give in to despair. Don’t accept a lifetime of being victimized by your own emotions. You deserve much better than to just survive the storms, you deserve to LIVE. You deserve to know how it feels to fall asleep next to someone you love and trust that they will still love you if you wake up screaming and disrupt their sleep. You deserve to understand that you are not lying to those you love, you truly are someone worth caring about. You deserve relationships (familial, platonic, romantic or otherwise) that grow stronger through healing rather than being shattered by any conflict. You deserve to learn who you are underneath all the debris, and learn how you can love yourself and how you want to be loved by others. I hope you find your path to happiness, whatever form it may take.

I was afraid once of getting better because I was afraid I wouldn’t feel things as intensely and/or I’d lose my creativity. But that’s not what happened. Joy unbridled by dread, love unbound by insecurity, these feelings are worth fighting for. Your loved ones, unfiltered by every painful thing that’s ever happened to you, are more beautiful than you can imagine. The world is kinder and brighter and more complex than it appears filtered through fear. And I hope you all get the chance to see it.

Please do not listen to people like Poppy telling you that this is all you will ever be. Please. I listened to people like her for far too long. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.

Thank you so much.

[frecklystars]

noticed i had some old steeljaw posts getting notes... went onto my blog to delete them... only deleted maybe 2 and didnt have my heart to keep deleting... kept scrolling and saying i'd force myself to look at 5 pictures and to tell myself it's safe and it's ok etc etc.......... managed to be somewhat ok........ saw my abuser's URL/post in a very old reblog from back when we were close... deleted it without even looking at it............. got rly shaky and angry bc this person continues to try to maliciously harm me as i was reminded just 2 days ago in regards to what happened w/ pink (iykyk) ................. consumed my filet sandwich in less than thirty seconds............. closed out of my blog..... only a little shaky now and moving along to think about julian again.............. not crying? not spiraling? success??? missing steeljaw and starlight and honeybee terribly and ok ok ok yeah im crying a little bit. actually. but hey wow i looked at 5 pictures of my wolf bf. i dont know if that helped me or hurt me. maybe both. this is how exposure therapy works right. little tiny baby steps or something like that

i miss steeljaw so fucking bad. but looking at him doesnt make me feel as shaky as looking at other TF characters, i just feel... uh. immensely sad and like i miss him but he does not miss me. like i love him so much but that love would not be returned and that i'd be stuck in unsafe situations and that they'd cater to my abuser's every wish just like i used to. i cannot wait until the day that i wake up and i no longer associate my old comfort characters with the person who is still actively seeking to hurt me. i can't wait to finally get some peace, i just don't know when, but god please one day i am BEGGING

maybe next month for my reclaiming robots tag i'll draw myself holding his hand ;-; god i miss feeling safe with these characters so bad. seeing my abuser a couple days ago set me soooo fucking backwards. seeing her actively changing her color scheme to barbie pink because she KNOWS im into barbie and she KNOWS seeing her S/I in the color scheme triggers me and she KNOWS those commissions trigger me. it's malicious. that's really fucked up. i've stayed in my own lane this whole time and i wish i could just cry out to the world "here's who hurt me!!! get this person away from me!!! help me out here i'm so tired just help me i am so sick of feeling so scared all the time!!!!" but i won't do that. but god i wish i could

but!!! one fucking day so help me god even if it takes me ten years i WILL self ship with these alien robots again. starlight's VA steve believes in me, his agent believes in me, uhh the fucking breaking bad hitmen actors believe in me 🥺🥺😭 i will reclaim every single robot even if it takes me DECADES it WILL HAPPEN i will eventually separate this person from this franchise and i'll take back everything that was stolen from me

[identitty-dickruption]

recovered; present tense

I’m relearning how to be safe; how to be a person in a world where I don’t wake up in the middle of the night with a pounding heart, my hands don’t shake every time I leave the house, and my eyes don’t search for threats whenever something moves in my periphery. Nobody tells you that safety is something that requires practice. That is, nobody tells you until you end up spending the best part of your life in trauma recovery. 

After all this time, “trauma” still feels like too big of a word for what happened to me and around me and through me. Trauma feels like a word reserved for veterans. For people who have returned from war, or at the very least some kind of “real” violence. It doesn’t feel quite right to describe my experiences as traumatic, when so many others have been through so much worse. 

After all this time, “trauma” feels like too small of a word for how shattered I have become. It can’t even come close to describing the way that survival became my entire lifestyle. It’s such a little word for such a massive change in my world. Two syllables, six letters, and a lifetime of pressing my back against the wall so that nobody can come up behind me. It doesn’t feel quite right to describe my experiences as traumatic, when so many others have been so much more fortunate.

I’m relearning how to be safe. Now that many of the physical symptoms are gone, I almost feel a kind of post-trauma trauma. I almost need a new kind of therapist to teach me how to have a personality again. I can’t go back to being the pre-trauma version of myself. They’re long gone. It wouldn’t feel right to reimagine myself as the kind of person who never went through trauma in the first place. I’ve discarded everything from the hobbies I used to love to the music I used to listen to. They were discarded when my entire life became recovery, but even now that I’ve “recovered”, well… That skin doesn’t fit quite right anymore. 

The days seem to stretch out for kilometres. Every moment feels endless when you don’t know who you are anymore. In trauma recovery, I learnt to live a values-based life. But a list of values doesn’t bring me any closer to knowing who I am. I carefully type some words into Google.

How do I know who I am?

List of personality traits

Personality quiz

None of it seems to help. Every question on the personality quizzes seems to beg for a degree of insight that would solve the very conundrum that led me to the quiz. I don’t know if I prefer being around people or being alone, because that decision was informed by trauma for so long. I don’t know if I prefer to be organised because organisation keeps me safe, or because that’s just how I am. Every question opens up a million more questions that I don’t know if I’ll ever have the answers to. 

I’m back to sitting on the outside of my own body. Dissociation. I think through the list of activities I’m supposed to do when something like this happens. Deep breaths. Counting the number of things I can see of each colour of the rainbow. Squeezing my own arms to remind myself that I’m real. Nothing immediately returns my brain to my body, but everything helps a little. Maybe I’m not quite as recovered as I thought. Or maybe recovery means learning how to make my trauma a smaller piece of my mosaic. Maybe I’ll always feel it to some degree, just slightly less sharp with each passing year.

I respond to a meme one of my friends sent me.

I check my calendar to make sure there’s nothing I’m supposed to be doing right now.

I strap my dog into her harness.

We walk.

I’m relearning how to be a person again. Walking through my neighbourhood with my dog provides more lessons than I expect. The sun is bright. The wind is cold. I guess it must be just past three, because kids are hitting the streets from the direction of the local school. They smile at my dog, and I smile back. I let a small group of the kids pat my dog. They thank me, and I wish them a good afternoon. These kids have no reason to doubt that I’m a person. And maybe that’s all that matters right now. 

[menalez]

A girl I dated at years ago, in a fit of rage, nearly choked me to death because she convinced herself I was sleeping with a male. All because I didn’t want to have sex with her, which is something she knew from the start and was okay with waiting. It was not the first time she had put her hands on me either, but it took her almost ending my life for me to take a hint and stop making excuses for her. At the end of the day, I had no business being with her type or trying to convince myself that I was fit to live in a Set It Off reality (lmao too adventurous and trying to be captain save-a-hoe) She had a history of thug activities, so I take full responsibility for what I got myself into and how I allowed myself to be a victim. This is a gold star lesbian btw and she’s since been to jail several times for beating on females and a multitude of other petty crimes/demonic activities. Last year, she apologized to me (7 years late girl) and admitted that she purposely gets herself sent to jail because she enjoys all of the female attention she gets there as a masculine female. Truly Pathetic and I regret not listening to my mother when she’d literally told me “that girl is a demon and you need to stay away from her.”

that sounds horrible 😭 i’m so sorry u went thru that. especially the fact that she did that to u for not being ready to have sex.. just horrible and gross. i’m glad u stood ur ground and dumped her in the end at least.

i have a similar story with my ex (she’s bi tho) & she was violent for no reason. just seriously mentally unwell basically and the red flags were pretty obvious but i overlooked them bc i guess i just did not see my self-worth. she also choked me and it was literally just. random. she’d wake up and immediately get on top of me and choke me. one time i think she did it as some kind of “joke” and i ended up throwing up bc of it … also she had a few weeks in our relationship where she was basically storing cocaine for dealers at her place & she was stealing cocaine from them and going on cocaine binges which u can imagine how she’d act in those moments if she was trying to kill me when she’s sober! she was on ketamine once and literally bit my friend. just insane stuff. and ppl like that are never worth it nor can u somehow “save” them bc when they’re that bad, they usually don’t care to make themselves better. in my case she even tried to convince me that IM the one who’s worse off.. bc i “cry too much”. also she stole my wallet and when the police said they saw who stole it and described her to a T, she convinced me that she knows who it is and will find this woman and get my wallet and money back. would give me these stories about it too.

also the woman u dated sounds .. desperate tbh! from my experience at least, masculine lesbians don’t need jail to find interested women. they tend to get plenty of attention in general. at least that was the case for basically every masculine lesbian i had a thing with. she must rly have low self-worth and have problems to be putting herself in and out of jail just to get more female attention. i hope she gets better bc i assume she must be miserable if she’s still living like that. i’m glad ur out of that situation and kept urself safe,, it’s rly not worth it to date women like that n to tell urself that you can somehow “save” them,, i learned that the hard way 😭 u deserve better than that. no point in regretting it tho— we can’t undo our pasts, but we can at least use these negative experiences as ways to improve ourselves and teach ourselves somehow. at least that’s what i tell myself to cope with what i’ve been thru lmao,, and at least i can say in terms of my ex, it did teach me to look out for red flags more and not disrespect myself so badly that i’m willing to be abused and exploited and manipulated in the hope of gaining a woman’s love

[chxna-cheeseycake]

So like at 12 years old I used to be a major and I mean MAJOR Zane fangirl. Zane Ro'Meave was my everything as a kid frfr like I would deadass defend his every action when I was 12. Like even in his MCD form you best bet that 12 year old me was using their every waking breath to stand up for Zane. I would see someone make a valid point about Zane being a dickhole for killing Jeffory and I guarantee you my 12 year old self would still try to find a way to defend Zane. That's just how much I was fucking in love with him bro. This man's straight up shaped my whole personality as a kid because his existence is why my main persona/online alias is Zana. Deadass before I gave her a heavy revamp, my persona was straight up just a female version of Zane 💀 And I always find it kind of funny because I created her long before we got canon genderbents so like... Jess you copying me gurl??/j Anyways, I was such a Zane fangirl that I even cut my bangs at 12 to try to look similar to him. I had wannabe emo bangs in 6th grade because of this fucker. He ruined my life I tell you. I never technically got rid of them either, I just let them grow to be the same length as the rest of my hair. No one in the present day will ever know about it but I will always remember. It's a memory of my middle school days that will never leave me.

And then there's the dramatic irony that after rewatching MCD and Mystreet now, Zane is no longer my number one fave anymore. It's fucking Dante now. Of course I will always love Zane, that bastard clearly holds a special place in my heart. But ultimately, Dante did in fact steal Zane's place as my number one favorite Aphverse character. He pushed Zane off the goddamn podium and snatched up the first place medal for himself. And I have no problem with that. But I just know my 12 year old self would be in pure shock if they saw that I ditched Zane for Dante lmao. Yet at the same time, I can't help but look at this in a poetic sense.

As a child I know I had such an attachment to Zane because I related a lot to him with being that person that was kinda seen as weird because I was quiet and wasn't a social person. I also had a few friends like Zane but just like him, I met some of them through a single friend that interacted with me first cuz I was far too socially awkward to speak to literally anyone. But now that I'm older, I don't really relate to Zane anymore. I'm not a full on social butterfly but back when I was 12, I couldn't even talk to people my own age that weren't friends because of my shyness and socially awkward personality. But now I'm not like that anymore. I would still say I'm a quiet person ofc but nowadays I don't freeze up and immediately get awkward when people I don't really know try talking to me. Sometimes it can still happen but I just don't really do that anymore. I don't think I actively made this choice though it just sorta happened. Growing up will just do that to you I guess lmao. And that's probably why I don't relate to Zane as much anymore and have now gravitated towards Dante. I grew up and now I find myself being more attached and sorta relating to Dante way more now than Zane. Zane's still cool to me but he's just not my fave anymore because I'm not the same person I was when I was 12.

That got way more deep than I was actually expecting lol. But I still stand by my point regardless. Zane was a huge comfort to 12 year old me but not anymore. I still love his character but he just doesn't bring me that same comfort like he did when I was 12 because I don't need that type of comfort anymore. Dante however is my new comfort character probably because I relate to him more now than I did as a kid. I barely paid attention to Dante when I was 12 but look at me now. He's all I ever seem to post about on this blog lmao. Honestly, seeing myself go from having Zane as comfort character in the past to now having Dante as my comfort character kinda brings me a peace of mind because I think it truly represents all the healing I've done over these past years. Even if it is a little silly to think about it in a deep and poetic fashion like this but I don't really care, thinking about this topic just brings me this sort of warmness I don't really know how to explain. I feel like maybe some people will understand what I'm trying to get it. Hopefully. Anyways, hope y'all enjoy my stupid thoughts and rambling because honestly I don't even know what I'm typing anymore skssjkdsdjknon