#I love this image of sisko so much

[star-trekster]

Sparkle on! It’s Wednesday! Have fun and be yourself! 🌟💫

[foone]

So if Threshold happens to different Trek crews, who gets who pregnant? Voyager is one of the few shows where it makes heterosexual sense, (for lack of a better word, "sense" not being the word anyone would use to describe threshold)

So for Voyager, it being Paris (pilot) and Janeway (captain) makes sense through that lens. Paris, sure, because he is a pilot. We could pick a Science Guy to do it, but then it might be B'Elanna who does the flying fast, and then who is she going to kidnap for Lizard Sex? Harry? ... Yeah it'd be Harry. Anyway once you've picked Paris, you've got to figure out which woman is funniest to have him abduct into Lizardry. B'Elanna? No, not funny enough. She'd be a Klingon lizard and beat him up instead of mating, even if they did get married later. Besides, what if she evolves into a super-advanced Klingon, not a lizard? *claps* PUT TUVOK ON THE SHUTTLE. Kes? No, they already did a Tom v Neelix episode. Seven of Nine isn't on the show yet, so Janeway it is.

Ok so for other shows, we gotta pick a pilot or science guy (who might be screwing around with transwarp, and thus get Lizarded) and someone they could turn into a lizard to have babies with. The show is assuming heterosexual pairings here, but we know about things so we are not so limited.

The original series: as much as I'd love to say Sulu and Uhura ("I'll save you, fair maiden!" "sorry, neither"), I think TOS was much less of an ensemble than later Treks, so it'd need to be Spock. Spock is doing some science stuff, he gets hyper-evolved, and he picks someone else to hyper-evolve and turn into his lizard bride. As much as I want to say "Kirk", I think it's more likely that he runs off with Uhura and then Kirk has to rescue them. Kirk was always about being the one who rescues people, having the Enterprise come rescue Lizard!Spock (is that antisemitic?) and Lizard!Kirk and it's called commanded by McCoy? Nah.

TNG: the direct analogy to VOY would mean we have Wesley and... Picard? No, no, and no. Sorry. Frankly, we already had this plot on TNG (Genesis), and canonically the answer is Worf and Troi. The problem with it being a pilot thing is that Wesley is a child and Data (the official science guy) is an android, so he can't really be hyper-evolving. We could go with Geordi, the other Science Guy, but then we've got the image of a black man kidnapping a white woman. Uhhhh no. We already did that episode and it is an example of Deep Shame for the show. So Worf and Troi it is.

DS9: so this is what inspired me to make this post. We all agree Sisko would be a damn good father to his lizard babies, but would it be him? If so, with who? You could have it be Dax, and she lizards first and kidnaps him, which makes some sense given that she's a Science Guy. But you also have to consider Weird Guys. Every Trek series needs a Weird Guy so that whenever an ancient alien artifact turns the whole crew into Muppets or whatever, they can be the one who isn't affected and can thus solve it. This is all to say, Odo/Kira could be done. We've had a few episodes where he's been shown to do very extreme things out of his pining for her, so it makes some sense. Odo/Quark would be funnier but given how the DS9 writers handled Profit and Lace, I really don't want to see them do a gay mpreg episode.

ENT: the series with canon mpreg! Direct translation of would be Mayweather/Archer. Mmm. Probably not. I think it's gonna be a rarepair: Trip/Hoshi. Trip/T'Pol is too canon to be funny. The next best option is Archer/T'Pol and that's just kinda bleh. It makes sense but it's just the kind of thing they'd do and it'd be bland. We can do better. Honorary mention: Trip and Reed.

I've not watched enough of the New Treks to have an opinion there. Maybe SNW: Ortegas and La'an. Don't ask why.

[ecoamerica]

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

[magpieandpossum]

*knock knock KNOCK* HELLO!!!

Hi sorry to suddenly appear and break down your door with excitement but I am a botanist and a DS9 fan and I like Stardew valley quite a lot (plus it's my sister's special interest) and I cannot tell you how excited I am for your game. Please let me help you alpha test it or something. Please let me talk about theoretical xenobotany. Let me babble on about the Keiko polycule

HELLO THERE!! I'm overjoyed that people like this game concept/design so far, I didn't expect so much love and excitement for my little coding/design project, I love y'all so much!! <3

Plus, I'd literally love anyone to talk my ear off about xenobiology, Star Trek, or anything in-between! I'm still in the very early stages of everything, somewhere in stage 1 of the roadmap below, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't been fiddling around with the plant mechanics quite a bit! The most difficult part of everything is 100% always the NPCs, less so the questlines than giving them schedules and little routines. I'll keep updating everyone who's interested with any progress I have! @enbyhoneyfluff @timetot @feral-pigeon-art @thelastgenderbender And thank you all here for tagging the original as "Starfleet Valley", I am shamelessly stealing that as a nickname for it until I can settle on a title <3

[Image description: Timeline graphic titled "Starfleet Valley Roadmap" with four boxes in chronological order, descriping stages of game development. First box reads: "World Tilemap, Player-character animation and design, object collisions, area transitions". Second box reads: "Day/Night cycle, weekday schedule, ability to grow plants, stationary Keiko and main botany questline". Third Box reads: "5 Main NPCs (Odo, Sisko, Dax, Bashir, Kira), NPC animation, NPC schedules, NPC side quests, NPC rapport". Line marked "first beta-testing". Final box reads "Player character customization, planet exploration" with a sidenote that reads "These are long-term things I want to add to the game, but aren't necessary to play a complex story!". *End image description*]

[mswyrr]

Star Trek: Voyager, 4x26 "Hope and Fear"

This was so refreshing. It was this moody contemplation on choices and consequences without any villains, without moral simplifications.

-Arturis isn't a puppy kicker the way he'd be in, like, MCU style stuff. His problem with Janeway is clear and has limits. He's not here on a rampage, though he is driven by a grief that has clearly broken him inside. When Janeway cannot convince him out of it though - I couldn't blame him, I couldn't say he was wrong. That final image of him entering Borg space (the place that used to be his home, where everyone he loves is now dead and dismembered by the Borg, where he too soon will join them in that living death) is gonna haunt me, in a good way.

-People constantly jump Janeway for her moral decisions but I think this episode puts a neat point on something here which is that, oftentimes, there is no purely good decision for her to make. Just a choice among a bunch of bad decisions. She doesn't have the might and resources of the Federation at her back, she doesn't get to make clean and pure decisions. Every option has problems, consequences she cannot foresee, but she has to make a decision or they lose people, they lose the chance to get home.

As Sisko put it re: the Federation. "It's easy to be a saint in paradise." But Janeway, like Sisko, is not living in paradise. She tries very hard to be a decent person, but she doesn't have the resources necessary to make that easy.

I LOVE that she isn't a saint, a perfect Mommy, or a devil. She just is and this -- this is the best she can do in the circumstances she's in. It hurts and it's not good. But there it is.

Her shift from a kind of predatory rage--once she realizes Arturis is playing and deceiving her and he's a threat to her people-- to grief over what she's inadvertently done to Arturis and his people and the way he cannot be persuaded out of his decisions was beautiful.

-The lovely, funny J7 shippy moment actually captures the episode's themes beautifully:

Janeway: In a brig, nine months ago, I severed you from the collective and you weren't happy about it.

Seven: No, I was not.

Janeway: In case I never get a chance to say this… I realize that I've been hard on you at times, but it was never out of anger, or regret that I brought you on board. I'm your captain. That means I can't always be your friend. Understand?

Seven: No. However, if we are assimilated, our thoughts will become one, and I'm sure I will understand perfectly. [a beat] A joke, Captain. You have encouraged me to use my sense of humor.

Seven is another imperfect decision Janeway has had to make - a person who exists (and has a sense of humor! because of Janeway) and yet continues to have the right to complicated feelings about being made to exist in this way by Janeway's decision.

Perfect choices - perfect understanding - those aren't possible. (Not even for Starfleet captains with all the resources Janeway does not have). Unless you're Borg and have the absolute unity (and erasure of personhood) that involves. Unless you are, as Arturis puts it, more like a storm or a force of nature than a person, the way the Borg are.

Instead of perfection we have a spectrum of what is possible here and now, for Janeway - Arturis and his people, destroyed and unreachable, due to Janeway's decision. And the grace of Seven, who is alive and in front of her and reachable but not fully, not totally at peace with what she's done and maybe Seven never will be. Janeway has to accept that; a choice had to be made, there were no perfect options, the only thing she can do is face the consequences with as much decency as she can muster.

(People who say she never faces consequences confuse and befuddle me so much - but enough of that lol)

[sshbpodcast]

Character Spotlight: Kira Nerys

By Ames

We’re moving on in our character spotlight series from our favorite war criminal captain to one of the most well developed characters from the onset, Colonel Kira Nerys. From the moment we meet her in “Emissary,” we know exactly who Kira is, and the show wisely sends her on a complex journey within that grey area between terrorist and resistance fighter. Get you a Bajoran who can do both.

Ensign Ro may have set the mold for the Bajorans, but Kira grew outside of it and we’re so glad to get her perspective. So pick up your Bajoran phaser and get ready to take aim at some fascists as we celebrate A Star to Steer Her By’s favorite crinkly-nosed, red jumpsuit-clad militia officer in our Best and Worst Moments list below and on this week’s podcast (jump to 56:47). Walk with the Prophets, my child.

[Images © CBS/Paramount]

Best moments

What other show gives you a zombie space pope? There’s more going on for Kira in season one than for other characters because she really rocks it from the start. And Nana Visitor has the chops to give that special nuance to a character like this, especially in emotional scenes like her breakdown when she accidentally gets Kai Opaka killed in “Battle Lines,” and the moment she has with her reanimated corpse is nothing short of stunning.

If I leave here, I’ll die Speaking of great moments from season one, Kira makes the hard decision in “Progress” to save Mullibok’s life by ruining said life. Over the episode, she bonds with the obstinate Jeraddo farmer by helping him build his kiln only to destroy it in the end and set fire to his house to force him to relocate, and it’s clear it tears her up inside. Bajorans really never win.

Enough good people have already died. I won’t help kill another. But perhaps the best thing to come out of the season (and to some, the whole show overall) is her character arc in the stunning “Duet.” Kira spends so much of the show battling her Cardassian demons (figuratively and literally), that seeing her grow to accept that some individuals may be redeemable is captivating, heart-breaking, and truly impressive (and have we mentioned it’s only season one?).

A new meaning to being selfish We would be remiss if we didn’t include at least a mention of the excellent and mesmerizing performance Visitor gives as Intendant Kira in episodes like “Crossover.” Say what you will about the mirror universe (and we have), but Kira is a wonder to behold and the chemistry between her and herself is like lightning in a bottle. Zap!

Cardassians LOVE cosmetic surgery Speaking of mirrors, imagine waking up and the face looking back at you in the mirror is the thing you hate most. Kira’s relationship with Cardassians continues to evolve in the wondrous “Second Skin,” in which she bonds with her fake daddy Tekeny Ghemor, foils a Cardassian plot, and discovers a resistance cell within Central Command – her favorite!

I was playing a married woman This is one of those cute little Kira moments from the show that tickles us, but in “The Way of the Warrior,” it is just too hilarious that her response to being wooed by Lancelot (assumably while playing Guenivere) in the holodeck is to slug him. It’s so in character that we have to applaud it. Kira is always the first to choose violence, after all, though sometimes that can be a downside.

Major, tell me another story Kira spends the second half of “Starship Down” tending to a badly concussed Sisko, and working through character conflict. As I harped on in the Sisko post, Ben is double-fisting roles as both space station commander and Emissary to the Prophets, and that comes with deep significance to Bajorans like Kira, and this is her chance to talk to him about it. Love that for her!

The life you’re choosing isn’t for her There are a ton of great moments between Kira and Ziyal, from saving her life in “Indiscretion” to encouraging her painting in “Sons and Daughters,” but the one we’re highlighting comes from “Return to Grace.” Kira sees that Ziyal is on a dangerous path if she stays with her father, and the bond they’ve established makes her advocate she move to DS9. There’s truly no safe space for the girl, but Kira does all she can.

The baby just had a change of address Thank the Prophets the show didn’t introduce yet another baby when Nana Visitor got IRL pregnant. That’d be way too many babies, so it was rather ingenious to move the O’Brien baby over to Kira in “Body Parts.” And it also highlights just how like family this crew has become. Kira really takes one for the team by agreeing to incubate Kirayoshi for Keiko. Now if only their characters talked more…

I owed it to my father to get it right this time Yet another great character-development episode for Kira comes in “Ties of Blood and Water” when she learns that Tekeny Ghemor – her fake dad and one of our favorite Cardassians! – was up to some shady stuff in his past. And while this alters the relationship between the two of them, Kira again accepts how he’s changed since then to be with him as he dies.

Romulans gotta scheme! Come season seven, the Romulans have gotten added to the mix thanks to some nefarious doings by Sisko and Garak. And Kira is left to deal with their constant scheming. Typical Romulans! Throughout “Image in the Sand” and “Shadows and Symbols,” Kira stares down Senator Cretak in a huge game of galactic chicken, and Cretak blinks first.

Don’t drink the Kool-Aid Our final great Kira moment is also the last time she ever sees Dukat. In “Covenant,” he’s leading his own little pah-wraith cult, and when the going gets tough, the tough gets really Jonestown-y. Kira literally leaps in and stops the whole assembly from ritual suicide, revealing that Dukat had a placebo pill for himself and he’d had them all charmed. Stupid sexy Dukat.

—

Worst moments

Maybe the ends justify the means? One of Kira’s strengths is also frequently one of her biggest faults, and that’s how very wide her ethical grey area is. She’s able to justify doing lots of pretty messed up things, like a certain captain I could name, and we see this pretty early on in “Babel” when she intentionally infects Surmak Ren with aphasia disease and holds him hostage to find a cure. That’s pretty brutal.

Bajor is not Kentanna For most of “Sanctuary,” it’s rather nice watching Kira befriending Haneek and the other Skrrean refugees. Until they express interest in immigrating to Bajor, and then Kira’s NIMBY side really comes out. It’s not a good look, Kira, especially for someone whose people were in a very similar plight until very recently. And frankly, Bajor could use the laborers.

It’s like stepping on ants, Odo Because of that wide ethical grey area, we’ve noticed that Kira is almost always the first person to advocate just killing whatever the danger of the week is, no matter the consequences. In “Playing God,” an episode about killing Cardassian voles, she’s quick to jump to the option of killing the tiny proto-universe, even when Dax expresses she’s found sentient life in it. Yikes.

The people have chosen Winn We know from “Battle Lines,” mentioned earlier, that Kira has a super soft spot for Kai Opaka, and also probably feels guilty for trapping her on zombie planet a little. But it’s just a bad idea to let Bareil take the fall for some shady doings in “The Collaborator” because it sets up Winn for the win (wow, I didn’t even try to do that) in the big kai election, lest she sully Opaka’s name.

The distant memory of a touch It would be an understatement to say Kira’s taste in men isn’t great (and that’s not even including the fascist she ends up with!). The first of her various men is Bareil, who’s fine but boring as hell. Certainly not worth forcing Julian to keep him alive against all his medical ethics in “Life Support.” But Kira’s into the vedek, so we’re forced to watch her push his existence to the edge of morality and cringe at what he’s becoming.

Do you like me? Check yes or no. Lucky for us, Bareil is a thing of the past by season four (for now), opening up the opportunity for Kira to make more bad dating decisions. While Odo weeps, she sets her sights on Shakaar in “Crossfire” and viewers at home roll our eyes at how high school the whole ordeal is. Why have these resistance cell leaders downgraded to petty relationship drama? It’s beneath them.

Kira’s edgy artist phase We’ve said it myriad times before, but Bajor is a cultural disaster. When Akorem shows up in “Accession” and declares he’s making Bajor great again by reinstating their rigid caste system, it’s clear that Kira is uncomfortable but still refuses to oppose it. This is a Sisko episode, after all. Even though she can’t sculpt worth a damn, she goes along with the d’jarras like a sheep.

A little lower While Kira is surrogating the O’Brien baby, she and Miles randomly develop feelings for each other only because of their constant proximity in “Looking for par'Mach in All the Wrong Places.” That’s just gross and unnecessary. Nothing again Miles, but men and women are allowed to be friends without wanting to bone. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones.

The phantom of Cardassia This one always bothered me. After several seasons of growth as a character, Kira seemed to have chilled out a little in her constant desire to murder Cardassians. So when “The Darkness and the Light” introduces a blast from the past whom Kira would otherwise have at least some empathy for, it strikes me as a character regression for her to fall back on thoughtlessly killing like she used to.

Same face, different universe Kira regesses again in “Resurrection” when a new Bareil is barking up her tree. Oh mirror universe, what have we done to deserve this? Sure, mirror Bareil is at least less bland than the original recipe, but who the hell is this Kira immediately falling for a boy in less than a day? That’s just not the character (that’s Jadzia, if anyone, whom we’ll discuss next week). Kira’d kick his ass.

That’s not what your mom said last night I may have given Sisko a little bit of guff for allowing this too, but I’ve got to give Kira even more. Whose first reaction when Dukat makes a yo mama joke in “Wrongs Darker than Death or Night” is to GO BACK IN TIME to check  on your mother’s sexual history??? What the hell, Kira??? Now the bigger debate is whether she should or shouldn’t have blown Dukat up. And fight.

Foul ball! Finally, I need to continue venting about “Take Me Out to the Holosuite.” Somehow, Ben held tryouts on a station full of beefy Bajorans, and still put Kira on his baseball team when she can’t even catch a ball. Kira plays springball in her spare time. She’s a resistance fighter. She was raised to have street smarts. How in the firecaves does she not know how to catch a freakin’ ball???

—

Praise be to the Prophets, that’s all! Keep your subspace communicator focused here for more character spotlights. We have someone who’s multiple characters in one next week when we discuss Dax! You can also go to warp five with us in our watchthrough of Enterprise over on SoundCloud or wherever you podcast, grab some hasperat with us on Facebook and Twitter, and maybe take up sculpting if it’s something you’re actually into.

[boypussydilf]

Can I get a Julian Bashir for any of your character asks

YESYOU MAY. i was gonna do both the bingo and the text game but there turned out to not be many bingo squares thst fit julian (gay person ido not respect, mommy & daddy issues, and genuinely compelling <3) so it was kind of sparse to use a whole image on. so ill just post this one

Sexuality Headcanon: hes bi and for some reason people want him

Gender Headcanon: HES SO TRANS MAN. thats a trans guy right there. i dont think he was intentionally trans coded at all the genetic engineering bit was. something else entirely but “jules-“ “dont call me that” hes trans. him trans

A ship I have with said character: Garashir <3 of course <3 garak looked at this random jumpy kind of insensitive medical twink and went I can make him worse. and i can fuck him too

A BROTP I have with said character: MILES!!!! miles n julians friendship is so fun lol. it can be gay too if u want. theyrejust. theyre besties for real. so proud of them. also jadzia <333 bi+trans solidarity…. the arcs of both these friendships in ds9 r SO GOOD FOR REAL lol

A NOTP I have with said character: dax. jadzia or ezri. its just. its bad from a writing perspective. i dislike julian/ezri less bc as an abstract concept, as just the 2 characters, itd be cute, but. the Context. pleaaase i need 2 attack eberyone in thr writers room who thought it was a good idea. who thought jadzia ever shouldve or wouldve been like Actually i AM interested in julian. He had this whole arc of being into jadzia and coming on way too strong and then eventually valuing their actual friendship more and !!!! making them date each other. invalidates it. bad

A random headcanon: its an obvious one but hes so the autism. also i dont remember if he ever cooks in the show? if sisko makes him assist or anything? I want to think he would be bad at cooking bc. mildly amusing

General Opinion over said character: i like him :) hes just some guy but if just some guy was not just some guy. hed be soooo normal except he was genetically engineered and hes getting dragged into fucking secret dubious starfleet operations and the assignment he decided to take on for heehee funsies and “frontier medicine” turns into a fucking war outpost and an ex spy. is trying to make out witn him. and he goes through So Much Shit. he is no longer just some twink. but he is some twink. i love him

[talvenhenki]

For the character headcanon ask, Julian Bashir and 5, 13, 18, 20?

(I still haven't watched the show and you'll probably need to either come to my place or to kidnap me while I'm in helsinki region and make me watch it because I don't seem to get to it myself :P but I know you love him so I wanna hear your headcanons anyway :D)

Aww thanks :D Worry not, I am mentally constructing a collection of episodes to show you once I manage to crash your place :P

5. Guilty pleasures

Weird, colourful clothing made from nice fabrics. Let's face it, Julian's wardrobe is a disaster outside of work (save for that very nice blue-violet shirt that was probably chosen by Garak) and he just feels like a guy who would prefer a nice-feeling fabric over fashionable colours. Maybe he just has a few materials that don't cause overstimulation or something?

13. What gets them flustered

Whenever Jadzia calls him 'a nice young lad', for sure :--D Garak's jabs don't usually make Julian flustered, unless Garak is reminding Julian of Julian's virtues (which are actually many but Julian is a fool who has a self-image that is way too low, that fool.)

Also whenever Sisko praises Julian, Julian loses his words because Sisko is the closest Julian has to a father figure and Julian knows that Sisko never lies about his opinion on someone.

18. Things they’ll never admit

How much it sometimes hurts to see all the happy families and couples on DS9. Julian has been so used to lying that he always thought he'd never find anyone who'd accept him as just a flawed, insecure Julian instead of the carefully crafted image of a young man Julian has created.

That is, until Julian and Garak actually realise that they have feelings for each other. After that, Julian will never again admit to himself that he actually thought he'd spend the rest of his life all alone.

20. What-ifs/Alternate Timelines

I am. So fond of the alternate timeline idea that I think protectspock (I suddenly can't tag wtf?) came up with, where Julian never got taken to Adigeon Prime, never got those genetic enhancements done to him. I used it in my fic A two-way mirror and I just. It makes me so happy!! Like I adore the idea of Julian having a family that supports him instead of those two awful people that hurt their son because Julian was not bright enough?? We stan good parents.

Also a what if that I've been thinking about is a lil episode/fic where Julian and Nerys get stuck in a cave during an earthquake and something (those hanging types of rocks I forgot their names) falls from the ceiling of the cave and injures Julian. Nerys helps him the best she can but she, quite obviously, is scared and starts praying cos that's the logical way to her. Instead of scoffing, Julian actually asks her if she'd let him join the prayer even though he barely knows any Bajoran because he knows it comforts her and he knows better than to dismiss religion because, frankly, Julian is fascinated by the concept and the fact that the Bajoran gods are actually confirmed to be real, existing beings!!

Actually, I just want a series of Julian and Nerys being friends

Oh and one more!! Julian visiting a new alien planet and studies their herbal remedies because he wholeheartedly believes in them and would never in his life dismiss something just because it has not been scientifically proven :^)

[basingstokemercury]

well that was an odd dream

either this time period or a post-apocalyptic version of it

Dukat was releasing Pah-Wraiths trying to get the crew possessed

(the crew included Sisko, Jadzia, Julian, Kira, probably Miles, and some lady called Alysa who kind of looked like Melora and somehow lived on our era's Earth despite clearly having face ridge things)

this got quite long, the rest after the cut

My dreams do tend to have a tendency of replaying the same story with slight variations trying to get it right so I got a few loops

Constants included:

Alysa getting turned (I assume because my subconscious knew she was disposable despite seamlessly tacking her onto the team ala SG-1 The Fifth Man)

Julian apparently getting possessed, causing the part of my brain watching this as a story to panic, but turns out he's a better actor than I gave him credit for and was pretending so he could switch sides

I think Jadzia also got turned once or twice she definitely got captured

Rough progression of events over the dream:

First repetition, I have no idea what to expect. I think I revolted so hard at the idea of Pah-Wraith!Julian that my subconscious had to retcon and go "not really". From then on I knew that whenever he seemed to have switched sides it was an act.

Except that it wasn't entirely an act, there was one loop where I got his viewpoint during the deception and he was fighting so hard to keep control of his body. I was very proud.

Then there was the time Dukat captured everyone and for some reason they were all tied up upaide down hanging from an empty swingset frame?

And he pulled Julian aside for 'special treatment' (ow)

And Sisko was like "why" and Dukat gave some nonsensical clearly wrong explanation

And Sisko realises this is payback for Cardassians (the episode)

At this point my brain thought I was watching the s7 finale and went "finally! they're acknowledging that Dukat ought to be resentful over that!"

And then there's the iterations where we're playing by D&D rules.

Dukat has been replaced by an evil wizard played by a sixtyish Christopher Lee (now that would have been an interesting casting, but I do love Marc Alaimo)

And Julian, as the team's magic healer, appears to have become his apprentice. He reads over a spell of great power, as the rest of the team lie almost defeated around the battlefield...

Surprise! It is a spell of great power, but the power is a healing one! It heals/gives some kind of advantage to everyone on the battlefield allied with the caster.

And we know who Julian's true allies are...

(I remember making a note to look up that spell because it wasn't familiar, must have been homebrew)

Even a spell that powerful could only do so much considering how dire the situation was, but they got away and hid.

Now, things get creative.

This campaign had a homebrew mechanic where a spellcaster out of spell slots can sacrifice some of their own HP to craft a healing potion in emergencies.

This very much was not supposed to be used more than once or twice. Because obviously, if you lose all your HP, well...

But Julian, the adorable idiot that he is sometimes, decided this was a desperate situation.

He was alone in the safehouse for a bit while the others scouted, and he used that time to put all his HP into healing potions.

All of it.

The cast must have been incredibly high level because he had 625 at this point (it made seventeen potions don't ask me how that maths works out)

And the crew come back to this kind of surrealist image of Julian lying there dying surrounded by the classic bright red healing potions.

I think at this point they insisted that he take one himself or something? Because when Dukat discovers the safehouse he's alone and can hardly move, but alive.

Cut to an online platform that's like if Tumblr had a Discordesque chat feature, Jadzia and Kira are shown as online, waiting to get a check-in from the teammate they had to leave behind.

Oh right! This is a D&D campaign!

And the person who likes playing healers? Me!

The person who likes Julian? Also me!

Ergo, the player behind the Julian Bashir PC?

I show up in this chat thing going "uh I'm dead what do I do now"

The weird thing is only I was a player using my online username, Jadzia and Kira seemed to still be themselves

So yeah my brain makes the oddest choices sometimes.

[jimintomystery]

DS9: "Shadowplay"

While investigating an omicron particle field in the Gamma Quadrant, Lieutenant Dax and Constable Odo encounter a sleepy little village where no one ever leaves, but people have been mysteriously disappearing. Back on Deep Space Nine, Major Kira tries to keep Quark in line during Odo's absence, but a visit from Vedek Bariel proves to be rather distracting. Meanwhile, Commander Sisko convinces his son Jake to take up a job as Chief O'Brien's apprentice.

The Odo story needs an excuse for him to be in the Gamma Quadrant, so we get a throwaway line about him hoping to learn more about where he came from. If Odo routinely did this, I suppose I'd buy it, but as it is it feels like he's taking a shot in the dark.

Everybody in the village wears loose white clothing and the men wear big poofy hats, so I can't shake the feeling they're all dressed like old-timey people getting ready for bed. I suppose that plays into the image of a quiet little town where nothing ever really happens. In particular, Kenneth Mars's performance as Protector Colyus really enhances the feeling we're in Mayberry RFD...in Space!

There's not much to the Kira plot, beyond the fact that she and Bariel hook up. Was Quark counting on that, or did he just think an important religious dignitary would keep Kira busy in an official capacity?

Sisko pitched the apprenticeship idea to O'Brien in "Paradise," where he takes it for granted that Jake will pursue a career in Starfleet. So I probably should have seen it coming that Jake doesn't want to follow in his father's footsteps. I like how this father-son business is resolved, although it would seem to undermine the rationale for the apprenticeship. Despite this, Jake will be seen assisting O'Brien well into season three.

If Jake's not going to Starfleet, then I don't see why he needs to have a job. Star Trek has insisted that the meaning of life in a post-scarcity 24th century society is to find something you love doing, and do it. (Jake ends up doing just that down the line.) I appreciate that 24th century human parents still have to convince their teenagers to stop loafing around. But I would have expected a better pitch than "your Ferengi buddy has a job, so you should too."

[catboyelimgarak]

A bit of what I have of a fic where Julian is transformed into a Cardassian for a top secret mission with Garak, and our dear tailor losing his mind at how gorgeous Cardassia!Julians is. All thanks to this lovely piece of fanart and idea by @starshiplamaupin

There may be changes to some small things here as I think of a decent small story, like changing Sisko to Kira for post-war, or fitting this somewhere during the war. Def will be quite Noir which I see as Garak’s genre type (the opposite of Julian’s spy genre). It’ll be awhile before more is written or decided on.

This had been a mistake. A grave, miscalculated mistake Garak only had himself to blame. All his planning had expected only one outcome for his doctor, yet Sisko seemed to have other ideas; it was always him who bent the rules of Garak’s games with intellect only a fellow Cardassian could hold. The captain was the variable to all of his plans, and he was proving once more to have been underestimated by one of the Obsidian Order’s finest.

“You look so good!” A giddy grin from Jadzia when she caressed a hardened cheek.

“I actually think it fits well, you definitely don’t look like the bastards I had to put up with back on Terok Nor.” Kira’s arms crossed, nodding as her dark eyes inspected.

It was Miles O’Brien who had spoken truth. “You’re mad to think this will work, or that you look nice.”

And for one of the scarce times since knowing the red-faced human, Garak agreed. Yet, he also felt that tight puff of indignance in his chest. The idea may have been ill-thought, but Julian was nothing less than gorgeous. He always was, smooth brown skin or not — the CMO held a beauty that transcended species. Eyes that — now with post-war experiences — drooped like a wiseman; a long face with sharp cheekbones; and an elongated neck that tempted the strongest of people (the most collected of the Obsidian Order), all of them translated perhaps too perfectly with scales adorning each centimeter on his tall form.

For all intent and purposes, Julian Bashir,  his dearest doctor, was now toting a Cardassian appearance like he had been born that way. A five hour process where the nurses oversaw the tearing, adding, and sewing of silky dark flesh. The break and mending of bones to deceive scanners into believing him of Cardassian flesh and blood. A tense five hours where life on the station went on as usual, but Garak was left forcing himself busy in his old shop with a closed sign up. As he mended a few threads in his own clothing, he thought of how Julian was being under needle and laser in Medbay, and had to stop when the image became too much. In the last two hours he realized he’d have to tend to new outfits for the doctor when he was out of surgery and a few inches broader with scales that needed certain fabrics so no agitation took place.

By the time Jadzia trotted to the store, knocking on the display window, Garak had finished a tunic; the creation had been filled with the sound of a rushed heartbeat and a heat in his cheeks as he pictured his doctor in it.  A point to the medbay and a grin, Jadzia took off once more — leaving him to abandon his work and do his best not to look like he was in a hurry.

And when the small crowd parted, there sat Julian Bashir: all grins and pretty scales glistening under the artificial light. And there went Garak’s breath, control and mind. Silence was all he knew, eyeing the doctor’s new grey form. His eyes had not changed in shape, rather they were enhanced, holding a lifetime of stories and secrets that’d attract many looks. The color of them had, though, now a honey-brown that laid in Cardassian genes, but dormant to the point of rarity. An overlook due to Bajorans working on him and no advice sought from the sole Cardassian on Deep Space Nine. It’d cause problems later on, but Garak’s mind had already thought of reasons for the outrageously good looking Cardassian with honey eyes and lanky form to exist and not be known anywhere on Cardassia.

He also thought of how he’d have to intimidate others from attempting seducing his doctor.

“Well, Garak? How do I look?” Julian jumped off the biobed and outstretched his arms as if to bring the tailor in.

It took a summable amount of strength to reply in a normal time. “It’s an improvement, all that lankiness put to use, if I am being honest. But poor decisions on aesthetics, which is only natural when a different species is sewing one up.” And he wouldn’t be xenophobic to say Bajorans, unwilling to stoop to the lows like Dukat, nor insult the people on the station who he embarrassingly (because he was an obsidian age for Guls’ sake!) owed much to. He had seen how they suffered, and he would not add to that even after what everyone had been through.

Still, that didn’t mean he could avoid hurting Julian’s feelings in either way. And oh, how enticing the reborn Julian looked as his honey-brown eyes fell and practically narrowed at him. The tired, deadpan, face exciting Garak — a promise, an opening, all for a heated argument. 

“Of course you’d criticize my nurses. It’s hard to make something when there is scarcely any reference or information on the model.” 

Valid points, but he wouldn't admit it. “And yet, none of them came to me: the sole Cardassian on the station.”

Julian rolled his eyes and shook his head that now bore inky-black locks, curly after laying on the biobed for hours. “I wonder why.”

Yes, this had been a mistake. A bad, unforeseen, hiccup in his plan to not only help Starfleet against rebel aliens, but to also gain alone time with the good doctor. Instead of Julian keeping to a ship orbiting a station where dozens of scientists of multiple species would be discussing a top-secret device, he was to now join Garak ship-side —  partaking in his espionage mission. What would have been a day at most would now be three, in which not only Romulans and Klingons and multiple other species would eye the now scaled doctor, but fellow Cardassians as well.

The aspect of having to watch leering eyes he knew so well look Julian up and down with thoughts of trailing their claws down his new pretty scutes (marking him with bites) sent a flush of hatred through him. A jealous anxiety he could identify as if it were a panic soon to happen hallowed his stomach. 

“If you’re done being an ass, I would like to put my new stomach to good use.” Julian stood beside Garak — still such a tall being compared to him.

“You can’t, doctor. It needs to settle before you try to eat like normal.” A nurse came close, handing over a PADD for his CMO to read.

Ocular ridges furrowing (still making that little u-shape between them where softer scales laid), Julian quickly scrolled over the contents. “Oh that’s just mean! If I wasn’t meant to eat after the surgery, why am I then so damned hungry?”

There was something to be said in reply, but Garak caught the empty spot where none came. Instead, the nurse turned away and put his attention to the computer connected to the biobed — pressing a button so a blue light sanitized it. “Liquids, and perhaps some crackers as long as you eat them slowly. Nothing with dairy either, but that’s because Cardassian physiology can’t tolerate it.”

“I’m lactose intolerant now?!”

Garak allowed himself a snicker, enjoying the wide eyes and open mouth he received from Julian. Poor boy didn't even know what Sisko had done to him. 

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 3/15/22

huh my original fun little quip got eaten. whatever. come for a turn about the garden with me as opposed to our leisurely long ramble

listening the Franz Ferdinand song The Fallen off the album You Could Have It So Much Better.

LOVE a jaunty rollicking hook. LOVE some stupid little bible puns. no real chorus in this one but some fun phrases to shout in a car while you’re doing an inadvisable speed down a turnpike

Did I see you in a limousine Flinging out the fish and the unleavened 

and i have had to Really Think about how to pronounced “unleavened” ever since. does NOT rhyme with “limousine” in the common vernacular

undefined

oh right how did i find this: i went to high school from 2010-2013 okay this band was unavoidable, popped up in my sp*tify releases bc they rereleased it. think i originally originally discovered it from a CD at the library, specifically (sigh) the tim burton take on alice in wonderland’s soundtrack, they did a song about the lobster quadrille iirc? as was my wont, i promptly ripped that cd to my ipod touch and then went back and looked up more albums of the artists i particularly liked. and here we are today.

reading lobdell and rocafort’s red hood and the outlaws. i am part way through the third collected volume out of seven or eight, bc batman comics reliably turn my brain off at night. not that they make me sleepy, but i’m just invested enough in them to want to read them but also be able to put them down at random. if that makes sense.

the art in this thing is pretty great. very bad chronic case of tits and ass (not even equal opportunity tits and ass, which is a shame), but the linework is crisp as hell. i don’t really remember how i came across this, it’s been on my list for a while but got bumped up to the top bc i cannot yet pirate a good quality cam of The Battinson.

watching just as fnv is baby’s first leftist video game, i feel like ds9 is baby’s first leftist tv series? even tho sisko is not Not a cop? anyway i am fully “wow cool space station!” about this show (did i make that joke last week? i don’t care). i’m on s2e5 and bashir is. bashir is trying. he’s in his first job out of med school and he’s twenty eight and an idiot. he is slightly more of an idiot that me, who is twenty seven and in her first job postgrad.

also watching killing eve and losing my whole fucking mind but what else is new??? ep 1 has been out for a full month so i do not feel these are spoilers: did not super care for s2 and s3 but watching eve slowly become more and more and more like carolyn is delicious. also love her progression of bond girls and boys. love a bisexual disaster who goes “this is what i want and i’m doing it” with no real thought to if the thing she wants Is Actually the thing she wants. DELICIOUS you’re doing amazing eve

also the fact that villanelle did a born again christian thing to try to persuade eve she’s a good person? even is not religious why would that convince her??? did villanelle literally google “how to be a good person” and show up at the nearest church??? what a delightful mental image

these two shows could not be more different and i am having an outsized reaction to them this week bc i’m playtesting a bunch of really insipid stuff for work and it’s nice to be like! oh! these are grownup shows for grownups with lots of conflict and gray areas!!!! good for my brain!

playing love on the peacock express, the mystery train milf dating sim. love trains, love milfs. content specifically for me. it took me about one lunch hour to play through four endings, so i assume for people with a normal reading speed who don’t habitually skim it’s more like a three-hour dealio.

this is a light romance with some incidental mystery instead of a mystery-solving visual novel, which i do not think the itch.io page is great at conveying. you do get handed the mystery as you go along, but it’s a solid little visual novel with all the quality of life tweaks one expects from a much larger team. i admire this game’s commitment to not giving you icon customization. you’re a private investigator, that’s what you look like, deal with it. all the ladies’ routes are fun (i liked the butch’s route best bc i am a simple woman, there are platonic and romantic endings) and the bonus hidden route dipped the most into the private investigator schtick i think. pwyw on itch.

how did i find this?: a tumblr post from the devs i can no longer find :(

also i am obliged to point out the ukraine game bundle with some big fuckin names (celeste! fatum betula! wandersong! baba is you! the sword lesbian ttrpg!) and note that some of these folks are my dayjob clients but i cannot tell you which ones

making i made some more curtains but i’m unhappy with them. did finish the kitchen ones tho and attached all the fucking pom pom trim and AM happy with that set. also put up a knife strip but that’s not very photogenic. once i figure out how much the next round of doctor’s appointments is going to cost, my next unwise kitchen purchase will be whetstones.

[ecoamerica]

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

[redcheekdays]

I'm actually enjoying picard s2, and although that statement comes with a big "i don't know what their endgame is and if I'll agree and be satisfied with it" disclaimer, it's given me so much food for thought about picard and q and seven of nine and ultimately, i love when tv makes me think.

and after the last episode, I'm thinking a lot about

"all humans are stuck in the past"

set alongside

"you exist here"

picard s2 is dealing a lot with picard's childhood trauma. we're getting a story about repressed memories, unresolved trauma, and how when we build walls to protect ourselves we are in fact limiting our full, human, emotional potential. a story about confronting the inevitable end of your life and having to ask yourself how well you have spent your time — not just to other people and the larger universe, but with yourself. how we need meaning in our lives, and meaning comes from emotional truth.

"the only way to truly be free is to love nothing. how meaningless would that be?"

anyway I've been thinking about this because picard is having this moment of realization, this journey, at the end of his story. i can't help feeling like "all humans are stuck in the past" is a direct callback to sisko's confrontation with his own emotional stagnancy at the beginning of ds9; the beginning of his true character journey.

I don't actually know where I'm going with this except that it's juicy food for thought. i think it's also tied up in a lot of thoughts i have about sisko's story ending and the post-ds9 trek landscape that are,, largely negative. (imo a failure, to be clear, of modern trek's refusal to acknowledge ds9 in the way it needs to, the way ds9 deserves.)

but i don't mean to say here that sisko is better than picard or vice versa; they are different characters. tng and ds9 told stories differently. and pic is telling its story in a 3rd way, sort of bridging the gap between those two styles: it wants to be taken seriously the way ds9 demanded it be taken seriously.

anyway ultimately i just think mirroring-image stories are neat i guess

[spaceoperajay]

i can barely explain how much i love deep space 9. thinking about it makes me feel so much at home. like imaging talking snarky technobabble with dax. or listening to garak and bashir being up to philosophy shenanigans. or seeing kira fighting for bajor her truth she is rightfully angry about. fatherly advice from sisko. or listening to odo talk about order like the autistic coded character he is. or nog trying to be the best he can be despite what everyone thinks.

[sshbpodcast]

Character Spotlight: Quark

By Ames

Do you have the lobes for business? This week, we’re putting our knowledge of the Rules of Acquisition to the test with one of our favorite Ferengi characters: Quark! He really does it all: he tends bar, he runs a profitable casino, he romances ladies who you’d think would be way out of his league, he snarks with a certain gooey chief of security, and he schemes! Boy, does he ever scheme.

The Ferengi overall are a bit of a mixed bag, what with their ultra-capitalist, extremely misogynist society, but Quark proves throughout Deep Space Nine to be a complex and well-written person, full of contradictions and character growth. So read the full contract below and listen to this week’s podcast episode (jump to 55:53) as A Star to Steer Her By takes a seat next to Morn to try to catch the ear of the bartender. Come to Quarks, Quark’s is fun, Come right now, Don’t walk: Run!

[Images © CBS/Paramount]

Best moments

Make him an offer he can’t refuse Ferengi-centered episodes are typically goofball comedies and worth a laugh or five, and “The Nagus” gets us off to a quite funny start. Quark’s performance as Zek’s successor is full of funny little touches, and the allusion to The Godfather with Quark stroking a gilvo as if it were a lapcat is a good joke indeed. Quark would make a fine nagus, I say. And a decent godfather.

Who wears the clothes in this relationship? Quark may start out as a typical Ferengi, but we see glimpses of his development to becoming a better person due to hanging around all these hoomans. In “Rules of Acquisition,” he’s prepared to pay Pel ten bars of latinum to set her up in a new life, and then outthinks the Nagus when she reveals herself as a female. It’s a small step, but a big one for a Ferengi!

Being with you was the happiest time of my life Somehow, Quark is at his best when paired with reciprocating love interests. In “Profit and Loss,” (not to be confused with “Profit and Lace”), he earnestly attempts to get Natima Lang to safety when the Cardassian government is after her for being a dissident. Sure, it starts off one-sided and creepy, but Natima and Quark’s love turns out to be mutual and really sweet!

Behold the power of math! Yet again, we’re highlighting an episode in which Quark is romantically paired with a kickass female and he comes out looking swish! Not only does Quark battle D’Ghor in “The House of Quark,” but he also exposes the fraudulent bookkeeping D’Ghor had done for Grilka’s house. Quark allows Grilka, one of our favorite Klingons, to realize her agency and be her best.

If they want their money back, give it to them? People give Sisko all the credit, being the Emissary and all that, but in “Prophet Motive” we get to see Quark go into the wormhole to talk to the prophets himself! To save Zek from whatever personality rewriting the denizens of the celestial temple had done to him, Quark takes it upon himself to ensure that Rule of Acquisition #10 remains true: Greed is eternal!

The bigger the risk, the bigger the win Quark’s lobes might only be rivaled by his spine, as he demonstrates an absurd amount of bravery when he disarms the bomb that had Kool-Aid Manned into the ship in “Starship Down.” The thrill of gambling with their lives is perfectly captured in the scene and you feel both the relief and exhilaration when Quark and Hanok don’t explode into little bits.

For a minute there I thought you were talking to me as a friend As we said in the Odo post, the relationship between the constable and the barman is one of the best explored in the series. We can read between the lines how much they respect each other but just can’t say it. So when Quark (in his jammies!) goes to Odo when he’s hurting over Kira in “Crossfire” and pretends it’s just for his business ventures, we all know what it really means.

I claim the Right of Proclamation One good episode with Grilka deserves another! When the ever-glorious Grilka comes to Quark seeking financial advice in “Looking for par’Mach in All the Wrong Places,” Quark goes above and beyond to win her favor. He even practices how to fight with a bat’leth and learns some of the basics of Klingon culture, all while remaining true to his Ferengi identity! Qapla’!

Let me pour you another By the time we get deep into the Dominion War, Quark is keen to play both sides, but he does his part for the little resistance band too. In “Behind the Lines,” he slyly gets Damar shitfaced enough to spill all the information he has about taking down the cloaked minefield. Like another good bartender I could name, Quark’s main role is to tend the bar and to listen.

Nobody moves except you Soon afterwards when everything in the resistance is going headlong downhill in “Sacrifice of Angels,” Quark practically single-handedly (okay, with Ziyal’s help) saves the day! He tricks a guard using a hasperat soufflé and then straight up shoots two Jem’Hadar goons and rescues everyone from the brig. If it’s not the first time Quark has deliberately killed, he sure plays it that way.

Ferengi can be just as tough as Klingons Quark’s choice to assemble an all-Ferengi elite squadron to rescue Moogie in “The Magnificent Ferengi” may seem hare-brained (it’s a goofy Ferengi episode, after all), but it also speaks to his pride in what Ferengi can accomplish. There’s also a pure familial love for Moogie that is worth all the latinum in the Nagus’s reward (minus the finder’s fee, of course).

My, what big ears you have Finally, Quark would want to flaunt how he turned out to be right in “The Siege of AR-558” when the standoff with Jem’Hadar soldiers results in massive casualties, including costing Nog his leg. But Quark staunchly protects his nephew and uses his superior Ferengi hearing to detect incoming Jem’Hadar soldiers and blow them away before they can finish Nog off.

—

Worst moments

A contract is a contract is a contract We could really, really, really have done without this detail. Sarda, one of the Dabo girls, reveals in “Captive Pursuit” that Quark has sexual favors written into their contracts. It’s one thing for the Ferengi to be misogynists and kinda sleazy, but it’s a whole other level for him to engage in sexual manipulation, harassment, and assault. And for the writers to play it as a joke!!!

You Ferengi, you think you’re so clever but you’re stupid We gave Bashir a pat on the back the other week when he saved Jadzia’s life in “Invasive Procedures” when Verad and his hired goons kidnapped the Dax symbiont. But remember that it was all Quark’s fault that these worm snatchers got onto the station in the first place! In his greed to make another illicit deal, Quark let them through the docking ring. All for a little latinum.

I’ve been waiting for you Can we all agree that it’s a bad idea for the holodeck to be able to create holo-images of real people because it will always get gross? Geordi did it in “Booby Trap,” Barclay did it in “Hollow Pursuits,” Odo did it in “His Way,” and in “Meridian,” Quark violates Kira’s privacy to create a sex object for that creep Toran and make a little profit, which is a running theme with him.

No nephew of mine is going to disgrace our family name by joining Starfleet The way Quark scorns Nog for wanting to follow his dreams and join Starfleet is also a pretty bad look for the boy’s uncle. First he tries to forbid Nog from applying to Starfleet in “Heart of Stone” and then he rigs up the holodeck to ensure he’ll fail his exams in “Facets.” Quark just comes across as an overstepping asshole when it comes to his nephew in these cases.

Quark’s Treasure, ready to depart Shocking no one, Quark is looking to make another deal in kemocite which he couches in generosity while bringing Nog to Starfleet Academy in “Little Green Men.” And of course this gets them stranded in the past in Area 51 for a while, breaking the Temporal Prime Directive and perpetuating the trope that Quark will put profit over his family members at any cost.

Great Exchequer, take me now! I like to call “Body Parts” “Missed Opportunities: the episode!” When Quark learns he owes his desiccated remains to Brunt, Quark just… gives up on life and plans to get himself killed by Garak. And this is supposed to be a comedy! This is so not in Quark’s character and I lament that we didn’t get an episode of Quark faking his own death, which would be infinitely funnier and better!

Why, Quark? Why did you kill my baby? While most of Quark’s schemes are just typical goofy Ferengi shenanigans you’re meant to roll your eyes at and accept with a snicker, Quark actually sidles up to committing atrocities when he gets into the arms racket in “Business as Usual.” When even Jadzia, who’s the most forgiving of his Ferengi ways, won’t talk to him anymore, you know he’s gone and done wrong.

Oo-mox for Fun and Profit After years of development into a slightly better person, and just when you start thinking “maybe that episode in which Quark put sexual favors in his Dabo girls’ contracts was a fluke,” “Profit and Lace” comes along. The teaser shows Quark asking Aluura to consider giving him oo-mox or he’ll consider firing her. And by the end when he should have learned better, he’s right back at it. VOMIT.

You’re the worst thing that ever happened to the entire Ferengi Alliance Speaking of “Profit and Lace,” there’s more to hate in this deplorable episode. Quark gets into a screaming fight with his mother, blaming her radical feminism as the cause of all their problems with Brunt dethroning Zek as nagus. It’s an ugly fight in an ugly episode, and Quark cruelly goads his own moogie until she has a heart attack, jeopardizing their plan to reinstate Zek. And nearly killing her!

The REST of “Profit and Lace” I’m not done shitting on “Profit and Lace.” It should be obvious why we rated it hands-down the worst episode of Deep Space Nine, and Quark’s depiction of Lumba is at the heart of it. It’s like Quark has never seen a woman before and concocts the most demeaning caricature. The hormones are inexplicable. The walk is atrocious. The whole thing flies in the face of any message of equality the show might otherwise champion, all for the sake of a Ferengi joke.

I loved Jadzia as much as anyone in this room After pining for Jadzia in season six almost as much as Julian, Quark weasels his way onto the mission to get her soul into Sto-vo-kor. Throughout “Shadows and Symbols,” it feels like all he wants is to one-up the grief of the actual widower in the room, Worf.  Quark makes Jadzia’s death all about him and whines that Worf isn’t gracious enough that he’s there being underfoot.

Someone has to speak up and I’ve decided that someone is me As if all the ogling of Jadzia wasn’t enough, poor Ezri gets targeted by Quark once she arrives on the station. Quark butts in and advises her not to get involved with Worf in “Once More Unto the Breach,” and it’s none of his damn business! The scene plays it off like it’s romantic and funny and cute, but it’s all self serving because he fancies her. Ugh, why did only men largely write this show?

—

All bets are final and there will be no reimbursements. That’s it for our Quark chat, but we’ve got more Ferengi characters to spotlight on the way (save me). So make sure you’re following along here, keeping up with our watchthrough of Enterprise over on SoundCloud or wherever you podcast, place your drink order over on Facebook and Twitter, and you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

[abigailnussbaum]

How to do Garak/Bashir in Canon DS9

Yesterday there was a fun tweet asking people how they would remake DS9 if they were given the option today.

Which led to some fun discussions (you can see my answers here). Obviously one thing that pretty much everyone said was “canon Garak/Bashir”. That’s generally considered one of the show’s big missed opportunities, with both Andrew J. Robinson and some of the show’s producers expressing regret over never having gone there. But it did get me thinking: how would you tell this sort of story? Because look, it’s one thing to write Garak/Bashir in fanfic, filling in gaps in the canon or changing the entire tone of the story to suit your ‘ship. But if you’re retelling DS9 along basically the same lines - the end of the Cardassian occupation, the discovery of the wormhole, the Jem’hadar, the Dominion, the war with Cardassia - and with the personalities of the characters and the tone of the show largely unchanged, how do you fit Garak/Bashir into that story?

There are some obvious issues with trying to work this ship into the show’s story and overall tone. For one thing, Bashir is a Starfleet officer. We like to make fun of his early, annoying incarnation, but even in that form he is clearly a decent, principled man with strong values. It’s one thing to flirt (literally or figuratively) with a mysterious, sexy spy, but getting into a relationship with him would not only be stupid, it would run counter to Bashir’s image of himself. You could go in a dark direction with this - Garak seduces Bashir purely as a way of gaining power over him (and perhaps out of force of habit); maybe they end up in a kind of Hannibal/Will relationship. But that doesn’t seem sustainable in the long-term, or congruent with the type of show DS9 was. Bashir can’t trust Garak, and Garak has done things that Bashir would consider disgusting. That’s something you have to take into consideration if you want to write them as a long-term couple.

It’s also worth considering that, as much as the Garak/Bashir pairing lingers over the fannish perception of the show, it’s not actually that prominent in the series itself. The last episode that I would call a Garak/Bashir story, “Our Man Bashir”, is an early S4 episode, well before the Dominion War happens. And Garak is absent for a lot of the later developments in Bashir’s life - “Doctor Bashir, I Presume” (you’d think Garak, with his complicated relationship with his father, would have something to say about Julian having been illegally genetically enhanced by his parents) or “Statistical Probabilities” (a troupe of savants who claim to be able to predict the course of the war would surely be of interest to Garak). In most of these stories, Bashir is accompanied by O’Brien, a much safer option as far as suppressed sexual tension is concerned (it should go without saying that this feels like a deliberate choice on the show’s part, to undermine any idea of a Garak/Bashir relationship). Meanwhile, Bashir is absent from most of Garak’s important Dominion War stories - his relationship with Ziyal and her death, his position in Damar’s rebellion, “In the Pale Moonlight”. So if you’re going to retell DS9 with Garak/Bashir as a real ship, you'd have to rewrite a lot of these stories to take that into account.

Finally, you’ve got the show’s ending, which is an extremely dark one for Garak, who gets everything he thought he wanted - his position restored, a place of honor in Cardassian society - just at the point where Cardassia is decimated and, in his words, left dead. Working a romance with Bashir into this ending would be tricky, and risks ending up with the final scenes of Man of Steel - two people making out atop a mass grave.

(Obviously, I’m taking it as a given that this hypothetical version of DS9 is much, much better at writing mature, complicated romantic relationships than the real one. Most actual DS9 romance was painfully juvenile, and the one exception, Sisko/Kasidy, was also an extremely low-drama ship - Sisko literally sent Kasidy to jail and the next time they met they were like “so, that was a bit of a bump in the road; dinner later?” It should go without saying that Garak/Bashir would not be a low-drama ship, so the writing would need to be there to support it.)

Anyway, complicated but obviously not impossible. This is what I’ve come up with for how I would rewrite the show with Garak/Bashir as an ongoing couple. I’m sure there’s plenty of fanfic with other, better ideas.

To start with, lose the claustrophobia business. Or, you know, keep it, but the reason Garak was expelled from the Obsidian Order and banished from Cardassia is that he’s gay. (To be fair, I feel like “claustrophobia” was pretty clearly code even in the original show.) A lot of people in the upper echelons of the Cardassian hierarchy know this - Dukat certainly knows - and miss no opportunity to harass him about it.

Obviously, in this version of the show Cardassia is deeply queerphobic. I don’t think this is a huge leap. Cardassian society is deeply conformist, and family-oriented in a fascist-adjacent sort of way that prioritizes the father as the master of the home. It’s hard to imagine a society like that tolerating deviations from gender norms, and it seems fair to assume that reprecussions for such deviations would be severe.

Garak doesn’t actually have a problem with this - or at least, not that he expresses. Garak’s defining trait is that he believes in, and loves, Cardassia deeply, and espouses its chauvinistic (in both senses of the word) values to anyone who will listen. But at the same time, he’s smart enough (and enough of an outsider) to know how hollow and destructive those values really are. So Garak will explain to anyone who challenges him on it that Cardassian homophobia is right and proper, while knowing that he has fallen victim to it himself.

Bashir is out. Though “out” might not be the right word because the Federation is so nonchalant about queerness that the notion of being closeted doesn’t really exist anymore (this is a version of Star Trek where we actually follow through on the promise of a more progressive future). But at any rate, to Bashir and the other Starfleet characters, him being gay is so unremarkable that it doesn’t even come up until his and Garak’s frienship is already established. This deeply shocks Garak - he knew humans were perverted, but the good Doctor, his friend? Bashir, meanwhile, wastes no opportunity to needle Garak about his society’s barbaric homophobia (Garak: “humans may be prone to such... urges, but Cardassians are made of finer stuff”; Bashir: *rolls eyes so hard he can see the back of his head*). But at the same time, and without being entirely willing to admit it to himself, Garak is intrigued.

And so we continue for about five seasons. Garak flirts with Bashir, partly because he thinks this is a way of unsettling the good Doctor, but really because he wants him. Bashir assumes that it’s all an act, and plays along with it a little because, hey, sexy spy. But he never imagines that it could go somewhere real, and probably wouldn’t follow through if it did.

And then Bashir gets replaced with a Changeling (this is a version of DS9 where that idea was seeded throughout the first half of the fifth season instead of being decided on five minutes before “In Purgatory’s Shadow” started shooting). And the changeling takes one look at Garak, sees an obvious in, and seduces him. Which clearly causes some awkwardness when Garak finds the real Bashir in a Dominion prison camp.

Bashir finds out. Worf tells him (this is a version of Worf who isn’t weirdly sexist and judgmental about other people’s sex lives). (Bashir: “why is Garak being so weird around me?”; Worf: “he and the fake you were doing it”; Bashir: “what”; Worf: “they were boning”; Bashir: “WHAT”; Worf: “they were engaging in sexual intercourse”; Bashir: “that's not possible. Garak only flirts with me to keep me on my toes”; Worf: *shrugs* “if that’s what you want to call it”.)

So now Bashir is upset because he’s spent the last five years bugging Garak about Cardassian homophobia and it turns out that Garak was a victim of it, plus he’s now been victimized by someone wearing Bashir’s face. And Garak is upset because he let his attraction to Bashir (Garak: “my base lust!”) blind him to the fact that his friend had been replaced by a changeling, leading to him being comromised as an agent (I will leave it as an exercise to the readers which one bothers him more). And, well, if you can’t get from there to romance on your own, you may not have read enough fanfic in your life.

Then you get the war, and honestly, I don’t know. You could do an on/off thing. You could make it a very casual relationship in between the two of them trying not to die and/or lose the Alpha Quadrant to the Dominion. You could have Bashir say “fuck it, I might die tomorrow and this guy makes me happy; who cares if my boyfriend is a liar and a murderer”. You could even go the Worf/Jadzia route and have them muse romantically about having a life together after the war. But either way, they spend more time around each other than they did in the original series.

But! When Garak goes back to Cardassia to help Damar’s rebellion, there’s a lot of tension between them, because Damar heard from Dukat that Garak is a pervert (you could still keep Ziyal’s death and Garak’s anger at Damar over it; those two always made more sense as friends anyway). And then it turns out that there’s an entire Cardassian queer underground, and in typical Cardassian fashion they’ve turned it into a whole spy network with operatives at every level of government. (Garak: “why did you never approach me?”; queer Cardassian underground: “dude, have you met you?”) And they’re willing to work with Damar if he promises that in the new Cardassia, they will no longer be persecuted (I think this dovetails pretty nicely with Garak’s observation that Damar needs to be disillusioned about the flaws of Cardassian society). So all of a sudden Garak is looking at a future where what he is doesn’t make him a pariah anymore.

And then you get to the destruction of Cardassia, and, again, I’m not sure how that combines with Garak/Bashir. The entire ending of DS9 is pretty rough on romantic pairings in general, but at least when Kira/Odo and Sisko/Kasidy break up, it’s bittersweet, and in service of other new beginnings. Garak’s ending is just bleak, and I’m not sure how you deal with a romance on top of that. The best I can come up with is Bashir saying “yes, this is horrible, but you can rebuild, and if you need my help with that, I’m not far”, leaving a door open for them to reconnect in the future.

Thoughts?

[stephantom]

i rewatched some of “favor the bold” and “sacrifice of angels” again (thinking i might make some gifs), and god everything with odo makes me so mad. 

that 7-episode arc was really good. but then. the writers never satisfyingly follow up on any of it, which makes it terrible. 

odo and kira have one long, off-camera chat in a closet at a party, and then everything is ok??? her anger and disgust in “favor the bold” is so real, and now at the end of the season, they’re... ? and the holographic image of her? she doesn’t care, seriously? (we had a whole episode about that, come on. even if that’s one of the episodes i like to pretend doesn’t exist.) she just needed him to be “fun” and “confident” to realize out of the blue that she reciprocates the feelings she seems to have been regarding as confusing and unfortunate for the last 5 years? 

odo gets handed this happiness in the way that like, 80s high school romcom protagonists get handed happiness. here’s your protagonist, he’s a nerd (so project away, lonely dudes) and he’s obsessed with this girl, and of course he’s a good guy (he’s you), so if he just believes in himself, he must get the girl. she’s so pretty but it turns out she’s shy and nervous too! now that he knows that, and now that she knows the real him, everything is great! 

they didn’t develop kira’s side of the story adequately at all. she just suddenly is attracted to him? there has never been any real suggestion of that before, except that she thinks he’s cute when he’s trying to do people things and break out of his shell. which has potential, don’t get me wrong, but they did not build that up convincingly to “oh i guess i’m in love with you!”

and what about the fucking treason? what about blithely condemning them all to die?? i know he wasn’t really wholly himself, but he should be explaining that to people and we should see him feeling bad and questioning himself. why does he get to give advice to sisko about the war still? why does he get to tease quark about not being a war-hero like bashir and o’brien like it’s the old days and not like quark very recently actually literally went up against two dominion soldiers and won, saving the lives of rom, leeta, jake, and kira, and potentially the whole quadrant, while/because odo was committing treason??? 

and i know it will never be fixed in canon. lol. there is good fic, but i know in broad strokes how the show goes, i know what their last scene is, and ughhhh. 

in conclusion, odo sucks. and the writers suck because apparently they did not notice how much they made odo suck.