#I maybe identify with that last part rather strongly which may be why I write Z's pov a lot for the backstories

[autumnslance]

(Work in Progress Wednesday image header from @ao3commentoftheday)

Between other things I should be working on, I’ve been fiddling with an indulgent, rambling, mostly-fluffy piece on the day Aeryn, Zaine, and Emelia first returned to Thavnair, sort of an expansion of a previous prompt. 10 year old Zaine is our POV for these excerpts.

--

“I’m all right, sweeheart,” Mama said, heaving out a deep breath, still smiling. “I just…I missed this so. I’d forgotten how the wet sand always tickles between my toes.” She looked at Zaine, then past him, blinking. Smiling again, she put a finger to her lips and gestured for him to turn around.

Zaine did, sucking in a breath to stop himself from making a sound that would alert his sister. Aeryn was kneeling just at the edge of the dry sand, watching the waves roll in. When the water came close, she reached for it, letting it wash over her small hand. As it retreated, she dug a hole in the wet sand. The wave returned, dampening her knees and washing sand from her fingers. When the water flowed away once more, the place she had dug had been nearly smoothed out. She made an almost-noise of delighted discovery, repeating the process.

Mama’s hand rested on Zaine’s shoulder and squeezed. “A fresh start is just what we need,” Mama said quietly.

Zaine frowned. “But I don’t want to forget everything about home,” he said before he could stop himself, even if he sounded like a brat.

Mama leaned down and hugged him. “We can’t ever forget,” she said into his ear, voice wavering dangerously. He felt his tears prick his eyes, as they always did when Mama cried, and he didn’t want to make her do that again. Then she kept talking, voice steadying. “But we’re still here and have to keep going despite what happened.” She straightened again, her hands still on his shoulders, as she looked up. “Here, a dragon is a symbol of the divine, of safety and allegiance. These skies are safe, and there’s no war to steal pieces of us away. No goddess of this isle will demand you prove your bravery by slaughtering dragons. No draconic raids will appear suddenly to destroy our home. No Inquisitors to make wild accusations and threats. You’ll be safe here. And I hope, happy.”

“I’ll try, Mama,” he said. It must have been the right thing to say, as she squeezed his shoulders and smiled. She still had the prettiest smile, even if it was sadder than it used to be.

A squeal distracted them both; Aeryn had become too bold in her experiments, getting knocked on her rear by a wave. She lay on the sand, staring up at the sky in surprise, then giggled, water rushing up to her waist.

Zaine expected Mama to scold about what a muddy wet mess his sister was, but instead she laughed again, walking over to pick Aeryn up. “We’ll have to get you proper swimwear sooner than later,” Mama said, trying to dust some of the clinging sand off Aeryn’s kecks and tunic. “You’ve always been fond of water, and will be taking to the ocean like a fish, I imagine. …Where are your shoes?”

“Prolly took ‘em off cuz you took off yours,” Zaine said as Aeryn shrugged, unconcerned about her bare, sand-covered feet. He looked around but saw no signs of the battered pattens, though her socks were in her hand. He suspected she had let the shoes wash away as part of her testing of the waves; they had been clunky and in a color she didn’t like. Aeryn was picky about what she wore, which could be frustrating for both Zaine and their parents.

For Mama. Just Mama, now.

Zaine took a deep breath to fight the stabby pain in his chest when he remembered that.

Mama sighed, and might have started to scold then, but a call of her name caught all their attention.

(BONUS, when buying new island-appropriate clothes:)

The Au Ra women weren’t much taller than Zaine, their bodies covered in pale scales, horns on their heads instead of ears, and long reptilian tails. They looked like dragon people, like the whispered stories of heretics back home. Zaine tried very hard not to stare. Keeping Aeryn from touching every single piece of fabric she could reach helped.

She was being more troublesome today than she had been in weeks. On the one hand, that was good; she was more like herself again. On the other hand, Zaine was already feeling off-kilter in a new place, it was hot and sticky, and he was getting hungry, so tending to a curious five year old was annoying.

(And:)

“Here we are,” another Raen woman sang out, ushering Aeryn ahead of herself. “She was a tad stubborn until I showed her this blue top, and she does look darling, I must say.”

Of course she looked darling; his sister was always cute, even when she was being a brat. It was part of how she got away with so much.

[carewyncromwell]

The next Cinderella AU part is here...and I am so thrilled about this part, because not only do we get a new character (who I’m quite sure you can identify from the sketch above -- only my second time drawing him ever, and I’m actually pretty happy with it!), but we’ll also get a nice serving of drama! Goodie!!

Robin Hood as a legendary figure first originated through the oral tradition, so its history is a little hard to plot out, but his first reference in writing is a ballad from the 15th century. Although our modern image of Robin Hood is that of a chaotic good heroic figure, his original incarnation was decidedly less saintly -- he was a bandit, and although he did refrain from stealing from women, he was rather violent, reckless, and hot-tempered, as well as flagrantly against both clerics and all nobility. Robin Hood’s backstory of being a disgraced nobleman who turned outlaw after losing his title and land and who remains loyal to the “good king” Richard while opposing the unlawful regent Prince John was added later, presumably to make him a bit more “approachable” to an Elizabethan audience who was more accustomed to hearing tales about nobility (just look at a lot of Shakespeare’s plays from that period -- many of them center around royalty or the upper class). Plays about or referencing Robin Hood then increased in popularity on the British Isles throughout the 16th and early 17th century, until the rise of Puritanism in the 1640′s put a halt to theatrical productions. (Bloody kill-joys.) For more information on the history of Robin Hood’s development, I strongly recommend this analysis done by Overly Sarcastic Productions (...actually, just watch everything on their channel, it’s all great XD).

Previous part is here -- whole tag is here -- Katriona “KC” Cassiopeia belongs to @kc-needs-coffee -- and I hope you enjoy!

x~x~x~x

Carewyn had a lot of trouble returning to her daily routine at the palace the following morning. Getting so close to the border with Orion and hearing about how much scarier it was likely to get on the battlefield made her all the more worried for Jacob’s well-being. Even if the spell Charles Cromwell had paid for nine years ago made it so that Jacob would stay alive as long as he willed it, Carewyn dreaded the thought of what harm, physical and emotional, that Jacob might face. If she only had some idea which battalion he was a part of and where on the front he’d be, then she could always just try to send a letter his way...maybe even ask Orion to drop it off to the camp for her, since his father was an officer. But Carewyn had combed every military roster she could get her hands on, but hadn’t been able to find a single record of Jacob anywhere.

‘He must be under another name,’ Carewyn told herself. 

It wouldn’t be too unreasonable that Charles wouldn’t want Jacob to advance in the ranks on the back of their family name. And really, Carewyn knew full well how displeased her grandfather would be if he found out she was trying to reach out to her brother without his approval -- he could’ve even forced Jacob to take on another name, just to try to make it that bit harder for Carewyn to contact him without his approval...

Carewyn’s friends noticed a rather abrupt shift in her mood. She was singing as always, but her choices were a bit less upbeat and her voice sounded oddly distracted and nostalgic. At one point, Andre mentioned offhandedly that he’d been designing themed outfits for his friends to wear to his mother’s New Year Eve’s Masque Ball, but Carewyn had trouble putting much attention on it.

“I’ve already finished some ‘owl wings’ on a cape for KC and a fur-trimmed wolf mask and gown for Erika...I was thinking perhaps a stag for Bill, a dragon for Charlie, and a lioness for Ginny? I considered a horse at first, but I think a pale gold would make her just glow, don’t you think? Yours I’m most excited for, though...I’m hoping to actually make your newest pair of shoes with fabric on the inside for comfort and diamond on the outside for sturdiness, if I can manage it!”

“Mm...that sounds great,” said Carewyn absently.

Her gaze was drawn out the nearest window, as far out as she could.

“...Andre,” she said slowly, “I realize this is very last minute, but...may I have this afternoon off, to go see my family?”

Andre blinked. “Is something the matter?”

“Oh no, no,” Carewyn lied with as pretty and reassuring of a smile as she could. “It’s just...well, it’s nearly Tristan’s birthday. My uncle keeps him very close to home, compared to my other cousins...I merely thought I might stop by and bake him a little something, as a surprise.”

Andre frowned slightly. “You...get along better with your uncle and his son than with Iris, then?”

“No, but Tristan is only a boy. It’s hard to hold any bad behavior against him. And well, maybe if he and the others don’t know I made it, he’ll enjoy it better.”

Carewyn could see Andre still looked confused and a little dismayed, so she quickly added, “I’ll be back by tomorrow morning, in time for my rounds. I won’t allow it to interrupt my duties.”

Andre offered a hesitant smile. “Well, all right...if it really means that much to you.”

Carewyn’s eyes softened. “Thank you, Andre -- I really appreciate it.”

Fortunately for Carewyn, Andre wasn’t the best at picking up on other people’s pretenses. Unfortunately for Carewyn, two of his most regular confidantes were his cousin KC and fencing instructor Erika, and they did pick up on Carewyn’s odd behavior.

“She said she wanted to surprise her cousin with something for his birthday?” asked KC, frowning deeply. 

“Well, yeah,” said Andre. “I admit, it seemed a little weird to do something so nice without even wanting credit, but Carewyn is an awfully selfless sort. From the way she made it sound, she just wanted to do something nice for him.”

“And you believed her?” said Erika rather coldly. 

She whacked Andre’s practice sword out of his hand with her own, making the Crown Prince hiss in pain. 

“I’ve told you before, Prince Henri -- you all may think Carewyn Cromwell’s nothing like her family, but that’s absolute bunk. She might be more pleasant than them, but she’s not stupid and she’s not honest. Or did you not notice that that weird guy she hangs out with keeps calling her ‘his lady,’ as if she weren’t the penniless orphan of a deadbeat merchant?”

Erika picked up Andre’s sword and tossed it back to him with ease. 

“Then of course that guy himself is shady as all get out.”

Andre frowned. “You mean Orion? Come on, Erika, he isn’t that bad -- I thought he seemed quite amiable, myself. Don’t you agree, KC?”

“He is,” said KC fairly. “But Erika isn’t completely off-base. There is a lot about Orion that we don’t know -- that even Carewyn herself doesn’t know. She admitted as much to me, after I first met him. That being said,” she raised her own sword and got into position to attack Andre, “I don’t think Orion’s a threat. You would think anyone with the ability to sneak over the palace walls not once but twice would’ve tried to make some move to attack you by now, but he’s only ever come looking for Carewyn. And although I don’t completely understand the reason behind why she’s acting like a lady around him,” she shot Erika a faintly reproachful look as she and Andre traded blows, “I’m pretty sure it has more to do with her own insecurities than because she’s a terrible person -- ow! Damn it!”

Andre had successfully disarmed KC. 

“Insecurities?” he said, his eyebrows furrowing in concern. “What is there for her to be insecure about? I mean, yes, she has no dowry, and taking Orion’s wardrobe into account, I’d suppose he has to come from a family with modest wealth -- but Orion seemed to enjoy the Weasleys’ company quite well, and their family is poor. I think they’d make a lovely match, really,” he added with a rather smug grin. “They even matched at the Festival, without realizing it.”

KC massaged her wrist, frowning a bit sourly. “Yes...but Carewyn is solely under Lord Cromwell’s charge. He’s the one who sent her here. He’s the only guardian she really has. And I think it’s quite clear how much influence he has over his family -- even his daughters who married into other esteemed families still live at his estate with their husbands and children, rather than moving out onto their own estates. And in Carewyn’s case, she doesn’t even have a parent to help shield her from Lord Cromwell’s will. She doesn’t have a penny to her name. So that means, in effect, she’s chained to him, and in those circumstances...well...”

She hesitated. 

"Well what?” Andre prompted her. 

KC looked incredibly uncomfortable. 

“I didn’t want to say anything before without knowing for sure...but I think someone’s been looking at our military ledgers, documenting troop placements. Everything’s neatly put away the way they should be, but there are more fingerprints on them than before. And usually I’m the only one who has much use to look those up, whenever I’m ready to suggest a new war strategy...”

Erika’s eyes narrowed very sharply and she got right up into KC’s space. “And you’re only just saying this now?! That information could be critical to Royaume’s enemies! What if that guy Orion sneaked in not just to see Cromwell, but to get his hands on those? Or what if it was Cromwell herself, working in collusion with him?”

“Impossible,” Andre said forcefully. “Carewyn would never be a spy for the enemy -- it’s not in her character.”

“And I don’t think Orion would know where those documents would be, even if he did sneak in,” said KC. 

Erika, however, looked unconvinced as she made for the door. “You can coddle those two all you want, but I plan to tell the King and Queen -- they’ll want to interrogate Cromwell and this ‘Orion Freeman’...”

“Erika, belay that!” Andre said in a suddenly much sharper and more authoritative voice. “That’s an order.”

Once Erika had stopped walking and turned back around, the Crown Prince exhaled heavily and crossed his arms in a business-like manner. 

“I’ll get to the bottom of this,” he said firmly. “If Carewyn is heading to the Cromwell estate, she’ll have to take the road through town, correct? I’ll simply take a horse and follow the road after her.”

Erika and KC looked startled. 

“Uh, Andre,” said KC, “you haven’t forgotten that you’re not allowed to leave the palace, have you?”

Andre smirked. “No. I’m just sneaking out.”

Before Erika and KC could articulate an argument, he added in a much sassier voice, “Look, I’m doing it whether you come with me or not. I’d appreciate the company if you want to come along -- all I expect is that you’ll dress appropriately. I hear linens and cottons are fashionable for those who don’t wish to attract attention.”

And so Andre, KC, and Erika made preparations to follow Carewyn...completely unaware that a half-hour earlier, Bill and Charlie Weasley had -- after having a similar, but much more concerned conversation with Badeea Ali about Carewyn clearly lying to Andre’s face -- decided to take their horses and tail their friend themselves. And sure enough, the two eldest Weasleys soon enough found themselves following Carewyn on the road heading northeast, avoiding the Cromwell estate all together.

At the very same time, in Florence, Orion had finalized his plan. Today was the day he was going to request a formal audience with Prince Henri, as Prince Cosimo VII. As Carewyn had said, he’d need to act fast if he was going to stop his father from finding a way to complete his own ruthless strategy -- the battlefield itself would be a difficult place for Orion to make his case, with so many distractions, but he knew a more balanced, peaceful setting wouldn’t be. And so he wrote a long letter to the King, explaining everything that he had learned from Royaume and its people as well as Florence’s own, so as to make a case for peace. He then had the court magician Severus Snape deliver it to the Florentine camp in his stead, while he dressed in his finest and prepared to leave for Royaume. 

When he made as if to take his own horse, however, Orion found Skye and McNully waiting for him, a black coach already prepared. 

“If you’re planning on going to meet Prince Henri, you really should arrive in style,” said McNully with a wry smile. “A good first impression to the King and Queen would help your case by a good 45%.”

“And you have to know there’s no way in Hell we’re going to let you go out and expose your true identity to the enemy without back-up,” Skye added, her arms crossed over her chest. “

Orion’s black eyes softened. “...Thank you.”

As he climbed into the carriage, both McNully and Skye’s faces nonetheless betrayed some hesitation. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” McNully asked. “There’s a 74% chance they’ll respond badly to it -- I reckon there’s a 39.5% chance they’ll try to arrest you on the spot and hold you as a prisoner of war...”

“I carry no weapons with me, and I come with the explicit purpose of diplomacy,” said Orion levelly. “Therefore I’m not an enemy combatant. As long as I follow their direction while under their roof, then any harm they might do me would be violating the conventions of war...and the Royaumanians, for all of their flaws, do have honor.”

“One could make a case for you having been involved in espionage, though,” McNully pointed out, but Orion ignored him and settled down in the carriage, crossing his legs offhandedly. 

“What about Lady Cromwell?” said Skye, her voice a bit lower and more concerned. “She’ll find out you’re a Florentine. And not just any Florentine, the Prince of Florence.”

Something sad flickered through Orion’s confident, unflappable expression.

“She was going to learn the truth sooner or later,” he murmured. “If our time together has come to an end...then at least I may have the memories to hold onto...and the knowledge that by ending this War peacefully, I may have spared her of more heartache.”

He closed his eyes and began to meditate, clearly having said his piece on the matter. Skye and McNully, however, couldn’t help but exchange a look that was both anxious and very sad. 

As long as they’d known Orion, he’d always been a little reckless, but he was also passive and avoided direct confrontation. This plan to directly appeal to Royaume’s royal family, however, required a lot of guts  -- far more than either of them had thought Orion possessed. And they knew such courage could only have been encouraged by one person...the very same person who Orion loved so much that he would choose to follow her example and protect what she loved, even if it meant destroying their relationship forever. 

Orion meditated during most of the journey to the Royaumanian palace. It was merely fortunate that, as they approached, McNully broke him out of his trance by tapping him on the shoulder and pointing out the window. If he hadn’t, then Orion would not have seen a rather familiar trio of riders on horseback, riding through town past them -- a short, stocky lady with dark red hair and freckles; a very tall blonde with a square jaw and sharp eyes; and a very handsome dark-skinned man dressed in a purple tunic, emerald green pants, and gold-buckled black boots. 

“Stop the carriage!” said Orion, his soft, level voice nonetheless very firm despite not rising in volume. 

He barely waited for the carriage to completely stop before slamming the door open and jumping out.

“Andre! KC!”

Andre, KC, and Erika all stopped their horses in an abrupt halt and turned around as Orion dashed up to them.

“Orion?” said Andre, startled. 

KC looked from the rather finely dressed Orion to the expensive-looking black coach behind him and back. Erika’s eyes narrowed critically upon Orion as he came to a stop in front of them, his hands clasping in front of him. 

“I...had not expected to see you out and about,” said Orion, trying to put on his most pleasant, calm expression. 

Andre glanced over his shoulder up the road, frowning deeply. “Yes, well...some business has come up.”

“Orion, have you seen Carewyn?” KC asked him, her face very serious. 

Orion blinked. 

“Not since last night,” he said. He could feel his heart starting to beat faster. “Why? Is something wrong?”

“Never you mind,” barked Erika, as she turned back to the road. “Come on, we don’t want to lose the trail -- ”

“Erika,” reproached Andre, before he turned back to Orion, his face visibly concerned. “...Carewyn asked for the afternoon off to go see her family, but it was very last minute, which isn’t like her. And according to what we’ve heard in town, there’s been no traffic down the road toward the Cromwell estate in the last four hours...”

“So Carewyn had to have been lying about where she was going,” finished KC, her face much more stoic but her voice no less tense. “We need to find her and figure out why.”

Orion’s eyebrows had furrowed over his widening black eyes. His heartbeat was slamming in his ears as the memory of Carewyn in the woods returned to him -- looking northward, toward the army camps, as if longing to run toward them --

“I know where she’s gone,” he said at once. 

He rushed back to the coach, grabbing onto the window frame and standing on the boot of the carriage. 

“To the northern border,” he urged Skye, who sat in the driver’s seat. “Quickly!”

“The border?” repeated Skye as a sharp whisper. “But Orion, your meeting with the Prince -- ”

“Can come later,” Orion told her very firmly under his breath. “Both he and I must get to the war front.”

He shot a significant look over his shoulder in Andre’s direction. McNully, putting two-and-two together, nodded and inched himself up to the window of the carriage. 

“If you tie one or more of your horses to the carriage, we should decrease our travel time by a good 21% per horse,” he told Erika, KC, and Andre. “If Carewyn left an hour ago, then with one horse, we should be able to overtake her within an half-hour -- two, within twenty minutes, and three, within ten. Though with Orion on the boot, there’s a 12% chance he’ll fall off if we ride at full speed, so we might have to go at 95% instead -- ”

KC fixed the blond-haired man with an incredulous look as she leapt off her horse. 

“Are you really calculating all that on the fly,” she asked, looking as if she wasn’t sure whether to be impressed or amused, “or are you just pulling those numbers out of fat air?”

McNully couldn’t help but grin. “Excellent! Now I can officially say that I’ve been asked that question over a hundred times before.” 

Still looking faintly bewildered, KC moved to help Andre, who’d quickly started attaching his, Erika’s, and her horse’s to the front of the carriage with the two black ones already pulling it, ignoring Erika’s incredibly sour and distrustful expression. There was no time to lose. 

From the boot of the carriage, Orion directed Skye down the same road he’d taken with Carewyn the previous night, Andre, Erika, and KC riding with McNully inside the coach. Once they’d reached the forest, Orion caught sight of a familiar-looking golden eagle with a bandaged wing -- at the sight of the Florentine prince, the eagle gave a loud shriek and flew down into the trees, and Orion urged Skye to pursue him into the woods. The road took them deep into the trees, until at last the eagle landed on a branch over the heads of two familiar-looking ginger-haired men, who were bound with thick rope to a tree. 

Bill and Charlie were stunned at the sight of such an elegant coach, but were absolutely beside themselves with relief at the sight of Andre, KC, and Erika. Erika immediately yanked a knife out of her ankle boot and set about sawing off their bindings -- once she’d cut Charlie free, he immediately rushed forward and grabbed Andre’s shoulders. 

“We’ve got to hurry!” he said anxiously. “They’ve got Carey!”

“‘They?’” said Andre, very startled. “They who?”

“This band of Florentine bandits,” said Bill, his voice very low and urgent. He kept maneuvering his bindings as Erika cut them to try to sever them faster. “They cornered us so they could try to rob us -- they were willing to let Carey go since she was a lady, but she bartered with the leader, saying that they could take her so long as they left us alone. Claimed that they could probably get more money from holding her hostage than us, given her family...”

Both Skye and McNully glanced at Orion. The Prince’s face had lost most of its color -- he’d turned his face away and closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly as he tried to stabilize his emotions. 

“The bandits in these woods are Florentines, so I doubt they will harm you,” Baroness McGonagall’s words returned to his mind, “but I cannot be sure how they would respond to a Royaumanian, especially one related to one of their wealthiest noblemen.”

“They took all three of our horses and tied us to the tree so that we wouldn’t follow them,” growled Charlie. “They left us a knife so that we’d be able to cut ourselves free, but it’s so dull I reckon it would’ve taken us hours to do it ourselves...”

Bill succeeded in snapping the weakened ropes in half and leapt back to his feet, massaging his wrists. 

“They must have taken her to a camp of theirs,” said KC, her dark blue eyes narrowing. “Even bandits need some base of operation.”

McNully nodded, resting his arms on the edge of the coach’s window. “The lady is right. Given where we are, I’d say the odds are fairer that it’s southeast of here.”

“Closer to the Florentine side of the border, you mean,” presumed KC, and McNully nodded again. 

“They were heading south through the woods,” said Bill. “But we won’t want to bring the coach. They stopped us because they wanted money -- if they have any reason to think any of you have it, they’ll no doubt want to imprison you too...”

“On the contrary,” said Orion in a very low voice, “this carriage may be just the thing we need, to ensure that they don’t imprison us.”

Everyone looked at Orion, their faces all a mixture of incredulity and revulsion, but he seemed disinterested in explaining himself. 

“We must be quick, McNully,” said Orion, and although his voice and face were as level and unreadable as ever, they both betrayed a slight edge. “Time is not on our side.”

With Bill now sitting with the driver’s seat next to Skye and Charlie hanging off the boot with Orion, the black coach set off again. Overhead Orion caught sight of the wounded eagle again, which shrieked at them warningly -- the Prince thought it must mean they were close, but did not respond fast enough to the trap set out in front of them. 

The coach rode right through a certain cluster of vines, and within seconds, they had magically sprung to life, lashing themselves around the limbs of the five horses pulling the coach. The steeds reared back, panicked -- Skye immediately yanked out a sword from her belt and began hacking away at them, and Erika and Andre both leapt from the carriage with their own swords to help, but it was no use. The vines only lashed onto them, binding all three of them fast and making it impossible for them to move. And when things seemed like they couldn’t be any worse, without warning, a group of green-dressed men and women had swung down from more vines attached to the nearby trees, surrounding them in a tight noose-like circle and pointing their arrow-decked bows at them. 

They were trapped. 

“Well, well,” said a voice from the trees above, “we don’t often see coaches that ritzy out here.”

The voice’s owner leapt down to the ground. Unlike his companions, his hooded tunic was yellow instead of green. When he lifted his head enough that they could see his face, it was the host of a mischievous smirk. 

“Especially ones crafted in Florence,” the dark-haired and eyed bandit said breezily. 

Andre, KC, Erika, and the Weasleys all stiffened. 

“Florence?” breathed Bill. 

They all as a unit whirled on Orion. His face was remarkably calm and solemn as he stepped off the coach and in front of the others and faced the bandits’ leader, his hands clasped in front of him. 

“We do not come seeking trouble,” he said. “We merely come to retrieve a lady who surrendered herself to you. Frame like a robin’s. Hair the color of a red sunset. Eyes the color of the sky.”

The bandit’s leader raised his eyebrows curiously. “The maid called Cromwell?”

“That is her.”

“And what reason would you desire her in your custody?” challenged one of the green-dressed bandits with a cocked eyebrow, a dashing man with tanned skin and dark brown hair. 

“Wants to ransom her off himself, no doubt,” sneered another woman with messy brown hair and cold magenta eyes. “He probably works for Lord Malfoy -- we all know he’s the sort to make money off illicit enterprises and keep it all to himself, rather than give it to anyone who actually needs it...”

Two of the other bandits -- a pair of women with long red and short pink hair, respectively -- exchanged a sour look. 

“We have nothing to do with Lord Malfoy,” spat Skye, vainly tugging against the vines binding her. “We wouldn’t collaborate with that rat if you paid us -- !”

“Skye,” said Orion in a quelling voice. 

The last bandit, a very strong-looking man with dark red hair and emerald green eyes, frowned deeply at the leader, who considered Orion carefully. 

“I know your face,” he murmured. 

Orion inclined his head, his black eyes boring into the other man’s face. “I’m sure you do.”

The leader’s thin-lidded eyes narrowed critically -- then they widened, realizing. 

“Bring out Lady Cromwell at once,” he said abruptly. 

The others all whirled on him. 

“What?!” cried all three women and the dashing man. 

“Jae, are you mad?!” said the woman with the magenta eyes. 

“Do it,” said the leader called Jae firmly, without flinching. 

The strong bandit -- the only one who hadn’t questioned the leader’s direction -- grabbed a vine, which immediately retracted back up above them. 

Jae glanced at the magenta-eyed woman. “Merula, have the vines set them loose.”

Merula looked rather scandalized. “What? Oh come on, you know how much of a pain it is, to have to recast a spell after it’s broken -- ”

“Better that we do it now than wait around for the spell to expire on its own,” Jae said dryly. 

Still looking very reluctant, Merula nonetheless did as she was told, holding up her hand, which glowed with light green. 

“The terms are now invalid,” she muttered sourly at the plants. 

The plants sparkled with a similar green flare before falling limply off of the horses, Andre, Erika, and Skye. KC and Bill moved to detangle the now harmless plants from their companions and around the horses’ legs, and Charlie moved to soothe the frightened steeds. 

Within a minute, the strong bandit was back, holding onto the vine easily with one hand and holding Carewyn under his opposite arm. She had her ginger hair tied back in a loose bun and was dressed in the green peasant dress she’d worn to the Festival and her slightly oversized brown shoes -- no doubt because it was the most comfortable dress for travel she had. Orion was also beyond relieved to see that she was perfectly unharmed -- not a single cut or bruise. 

“CAREWYN!” cried KC, Andre, Bill and Charlie in relief. 

All three of the men immediately dashed right over to her and threw their arms around her in a group hug. 

“It’s all right,” Carewyn reassured them with a small smile. “I’m all right.”

“They didn’t hurt you?” Bill interrogated her. 

“You must have been terrified -- ” said Andre. 

“Where are the horses?” asked Charlie. 

“Tied up in a makeshift stable over there,” said the pink-haired bandit with a wry grin and a vague hand gesture. 

“A bit tricky to lug them up into treehouses,” added the red-haired one cheekily. “And no, for the record, we did not hurt Carewyn Cromwell. She may be a stick in the mud, but she’s a decent sort.”

“And brave too!” said the muscled man, beaming. “She wasn’t scared at all, not even when Merula stuck a knife in her face!”

“I was only getting fed up with her smart remarks,” huffed the magenta-eyed bandit called Merula. “You’d think she was the Queen of Sheba, with how she acts...”

“She is a proper lady, to be sure,” said the dashing bandit, shooting Carewyn a rather Casanova-like smile. 

Carewyn tried to stifle a snort of laughter behind her hand as Jae approached her. 

“Seems you’ll have an escort after all, Carewyn,” he said, lowering his bow with a slightly more serious look. “I don’t think I can convince you to reconsider, but under the circumstances...well, just make sure you’re careful. I’d hate to hear of Royaume losing one of its only honorable citizens due to their own stupidity.”

Carewyn inclined her head to him, her blue eyes very solemn. “I’m far from Royaume’s most honorable citizen, Jae, nor from any other country, I daresay. But thank you.”

Jae nodded. He then looked up at Orion. 

“By your leave then, your Highness,” he said with an abbreviated bow. 

He then nodded to the other bandits, and one by one, they all disappeared back up into the trees. 

None of the people on the ground, however, gave them much mind. All of them had turned back around to face Orion -- Carewyn felt like her heart had stopped still as she stared, taking in his neat ponytail and finely tailored black doublet and hose and boots. 

“...‘Your Highness?’ ” repeated Charlie, shocked. 

Andre’s eyes widened. “Then...then you’re...?”

Orion swallowed, but somehow managed to keep his composure as he nodded. His eyes were locked on Carewyn’s face, never shifting and as turbulent as a black ocean. 

“King Cosimo’s new heir,” KC breathed, her face flooding with fresh understanding around her amazement. “Cosimo VII.”

[putschki1969]

H-el-ical//’s First Online Interview (English Translation)

Note: Here’s my English translation of H-el-ical//’s first online interview with SPICE. I hurried to finish my translation because I wanted everyone to read this awesome interview. I think there are so many gems in this, especially for us Kalafina fans. Hikaru is talking quite a bit about Wakana and Keiko and their respective solo careers. Please be sure to check it out! As always, take everything you read with a grain of salt, my Japanese is by no means perfect. CREDIT me if you share my translations or use parts of it.

In her first online interview H-el-ical// talks about a new world ~ “I want to discover this world together with everyone”

Solo project『H-el-ical//（ヘリカル）』 by Kalafina’s Hikaru//. Although many songs have already been released on her official YouTube channel, her major debut single 「Altern-ate-」will be released under NBC Universal on May 20. In this interview she has told me about stepping forward on a new musical path with the help of this song which is currently being used as the opening theme for the TV anime "Gleipnir". What is Hikaru// 's “relationship with music” at this moment?

I already know the happiness of being able to incorporate the things I love in my work

―― We did a SPICE live broadcast together recently but it feels like it has been a while since our last interview. First of all I would like to ask how you are dealing with the current situation?

I am simply staying at home. Before all of this  I was forced to leave the house for work but now I am really just at home all the time (laughs).

―― In the past you have often said that you like staying at home.

Yes. I have always been a hikikomori but I used to go out for work or to visit a collab café or maybe some bookstores. Now all of that is not possible. It has gotten bad, there are times when I don’t leave the house for an entire week or longer.

―― Under such circumstances you are celebrating your major solo debut as H-el-ical// with your single 「Altern-ate-」. How did you feel when you heard that you would have your major debut under NBC Universal who you are now affiliated with?

Well ... I was beyond happy! Of course, my work as part of Kalafina is very important to me and it’s an experience I will treasure forever but receiving the great honour to make myself known as a solo artist made me incredibly happy and I am very grateful. I felt a strong sense of wanting to do my very best.

―― I get the impression that your song 「Altern-ate-」 is tied very tightly to the anime “Gleipnir”. You have always had a strong desire to "be involved in anime" haven’t you?

That's because I really like anime. That's not the only thing I want to do of course but I already know the happiness of being able to incorporate the things I love in my work (laughs).

―― How so (laughs)?

By being in charge of an anime song I feel like I can surpass myself. I think it’s because I have so much love for the work, more so than even for myself. It’s something I have always loved so I am also able to put a lot of love into my work. I think I am able to sing anisongs because I have so much love for anime. That’s how I see myself and how I want to be.

――「Altern-ate-」is definitely an anisong. Watching the opening one cannot help but notice that the video and the song are very strongly connected. Was the song produced before you saw the anime?

Well, after hearing about the plot and receiving some reading materials, I asked Gushimiyagi-san to write the song in advance. Of course we also sought out the opinions of everyone involved in the creation of the anime. Finally I added the lyrics and then I asked all of them to review the song. When I got their OK everything fell into place, they added the OP video. If you feel like the song and the images are matching it's thanks to the anime creators.

―― Didn’t they request anything from you regarding the song?

No one told me to do anything particular for the song. However, I heard them mention that they would like an up-tempo song so I kinda knew that would happen (laughs). When I got the song, I immediately thought it had a catchy tune.

―― So your first impression was that it had a catchy tune?

Yes, since it is my first single  I thought that kind of catchy melody was great for me. Personally, I am the type that likes listening closely to the lyrics but first-time listeners who don't know H-el-ical// will most likely pay more attention to the melody so I think the song I received is perfect for this occasion.

―― The lyrics which are tied to this melody were written by yourself, right? You have been writing the lyrics for all songs released under your project H-el-ical//. I had the impression that you read through the manga "Gleipnir".

I read all of it (laughs). After all, I felt the need to get as close as possible to the original work since I was creating music for it. However, there are also lots of people who don’t know anything about the manga listening to the song so in order for those people to be able to identify with the song I also included many aspects of our daily life.

―― It's not just a song for fans of the work?

I made lyrics that I associated with scenes and dialogues that impressed me in the manga. It’s about conflicts and frustrations we all experience in our everyday life. This song is meant to push you ahead, to provide strength, it’s supposed to support you in moments when you feel like you need and want to become a stronger person. 

The responsibilities of working solo

―― In the lyrics you are saying twice 「この物語の主役じゃない | I am not the protagonist of this story」, I think those lines are leaving a strong impression. This leads right to a line saying 「でも逃げない | But I won’t run away」. I think that very much encapsulates the essence of “Gleipnir”. 

Yes, it really screams “Gleipnir” (laughs).

―― I thought those lines reflected the feelings of the main character Shuichi very well but in a way I also felt like somewhere within those lyrics you also put a lot of yourself in there. 

When I was reading the original work there were lots of things I could relate to, it’s those aspects I worked with…how do I say this? The manga might be fiction but in some way it feels very real to me. 

―― So it is a fantasy but it’s also real?

Yes, there are definitely many things that resonate with me. I like manga and anime because you can escape from reality but at the same time they can offer solutions for your everyday problems.

―― So there really is a lot of yourself in those lyrics.

For example, let’s talk about the lyrics 「主役じゃない | I am not the protagonist」,  I think we are all the leading characters of our own lives but when we do something out of respect for someone else we are no longer seeing ourselves as the main character. I think what motivates people in life is thinking about others. However, when we are taking action while thinking of someone else it is necessary for us to make up our minds, to be determined, after all, we are responsible for our behaviour... So yeah, these were the thoughts going through my mind while reading the manga (laughs).

―― That’s very deep ...

Yes, “I want to share this feeling with everyone”. Having that in mind I wrote these lyrics (laughs).

―― Watching your daily activities and talking to you on broadcasts I feel like there are not  many artists these days who take their fans’ thoughts and opinions into consideration as much as you do. I wonder if that is because you are also a fan of anime and manga.

I think the feeling when I really like something about an anime or manga is the same feeling when people who support me say things like, “I love this and that about Hikaru, I would like to see more of it!” I appreciate it and I really want to cherish that. So yeah, that may be the reason why I am valuing those thoughts and opinions so much, it’s because they are born out of love.

―― It got more noticeable once you became a solo artist. I think it was a great chance for you to use social media to convey your thoughts and to put more of yourself out there. 

Yes, you are also in charge of what you say and what you do because you are the only one around. You may upload something and regret it later, since it’s all your responsibility you have the option to correct your mistakes and to explain yourself.

―― The responsibilities of working solo

Well, as member of Kalafina I was part of a unit so I always had to worry about the possibility of my personal actions damaging the image of Kalafina. But now everything I do is my own responsibility. It can be quite daunting but it's also very rewarding.

―― All mistakes are your own.

Yes, it’s all my own doing. All the good things and all the bad things are my responsibility. Of course there are advantages and disadvantages to being responsible for yourself but it helps you to become more aware .

―― So you actually want to take on all that responsibility? Do it all your own way and take responsibility for your own actions?  As you mentioned earlier, there are advantages and disadvantages. I wonder, during your Kalafina days, did you ever want to be that kind of person?

Hmmm...I don't know ... I never really thought, “I want to be that kind of person!” I think balance is very important when you are part of a unit. After all, you always have to be aware of the consequences of your actions regarding your group. It's a good thing to have some individuality but for the most part we always made sure there was some sort of balance.

Rather than standing all on my own I would like to borrow everyone’s strength

―― You also shot a MV.

Yes, all you see in the video is me (laughs). It’s quite surprising. I was wondering, "Can I handle this on my own?" Until now it has always been the three of us ... (laughs).

―― You are the only one standing in the middle of the forest and on that cliff.

That's right. There are many parts of the song where I am not singing so I wondered about how fast I should be moving. I was really confused and lost. We used a drone to shoot the video and I was asked to do multiple takes. Since it would be boring if all my movements had been the same, I changed little details during each take but gradually I ran out of variations, there is only so much a single person can do (laughs).

―― You are worrying that the impressions given by the MV will remain boring and one-sided (laughs)?

Yeah (laughs). I felt good while shooting the MV but all the time I kept wondering what kind of MV it would be.  I felt very grateful and constantly had to remind myself that, “wow, this is the MV for my first single…!” Even when we did a final check I was very happy with the result, we only had to fix one little thing. 

―― I would like to ask about the title of the song, did you come up with it? 

Actually, I was asking members of the staff to help me with that. I eventually went with my manager’s idea.

―― Your manager’s idea!?

Yes. I first proposed a few of my own ideas but I wanted to hear other thoughts on it as well so I discussed different options with everyone. “Please share your wisdom with me!” We all put our heads together and eventually came up with the title 「Altern-ate-」.

―― Since your manager is also attending the interview why don’t we ask him? How did you come up with the title 「Altern-ate-」? 

Manager: Well, the story is about the two main characters becoming one so I investigated a bit and came across the word “オルタネイト | orutaneito” which has the meaning of "alternate/mutual". After further investigation I realised that the final part of the word “ate” is actually the English past tense of “eat”. In this anime world, the two protagonists meet early on but they don’t have a lot in common. Surviving and defeating all your enemies is the most important thing for them, I felt like the word really fit into the world that was created here. That’s how we ended up with 「Altern-ate-」.

―― I see, it really is fitting.

As one would expect from the H-el-ical// team! I've said it a few times already but H-el-ical// is not made up of just one person, this project is a group effort.

―― Yes, you have mentioned that before.

Of course it is very important for me to do things myself but I have spent 10 years of my life as part of Kalafina and if there is one thing I learned during this time, it’s to rely on others to make up for the things that I myself am lacking (laughs).

―― Very significant words.

You should never force something that’s not possible. Of course there will always be things that will be impossible for you but those things still have to be done, that’s why you have to do your best and cooperate with the people around you in a way that is satisfying for all parties involved. Rather than standing all on my own I would like to borrow everyone’s strength from time to time. That’s what I learned during the past decade growing up (laughs).

―― Inner growth?

Yes, I definitely grew up in those times. Before I became a part of Kalafina I had never really relied on other people. Of course I am still hesitant when I need to rely on others but I allow myself to ask for help more often now compared to before. So this is something I have learned as a member of Kalafina.

―― Now please tell us about the second song. The title is 「Clea-rly-」. I felt this song was also very reminiscent of “Gleipnir”, when I listened to it for the first time I had the impression it might have been sung by the heroine Clair-chan.

We thought a lot about what kind of coupling song to make for this single. Originally we had the plan to make it a ballad that would be the exact opposite of 「Altern-ate-」but since this is my major debut single we decided to go all out and use the momentum. Once we had decided that the B-Side would also be an up-tempo song I worried a lot about the lyrics.

―― I see.

My producer Akihiro Tomita-san said that 「Altern-ate-」incorporated Shuichi-kun’s feelings very well but I guess the lyrics may also be interpreted from a different character's point of view. Either way, it was quite the challenge to come up with something fitting for the B-Side, I ended up writing the lyrics with Clair-chan in mind. 

―― I think it's interesting that both songs are up-tempo, the B-Side「Clea-rly-」 has a sharp 8th note groove. So I feel like people who are watching the anime might think this kind of groove is very Clair-like.

I guess so.

―― I think the personalities of the hero and the heroine are reflected very well in the rhythm of these two songs.

I haven’t asked Gushimiyagi-san whether that was his intention or not. But we were definitely thinking about creating a balance when we recorded these two songs.

―― During your Kalafina times there weren’t really too many crisp rock songs likes this. I wonder, did you have a hard time recording this song? 

We recorded 「Clea-rly-」super quickly.

―― Oh really, you did it quickly?

We were finished very quickly (laughs). I think I've always liked such songs, I like it fast (laughs). So I don't think there was any difficulty.

―― Is that so?

I usually have the song separated into different blocks and I will record each block at least three times, out of these recordings we will extract the best takes and use them. I didn’t feel any hesitation this time around so the recording was over in no time. But generally speaking, every song takes about an hour or maybe two hours to record.

―― I guess that can be attributed to your growing abilities as a singer?

Maybe so. Tomita-san and Gushimiyagii-san listened outside the booth and made some decisions but basically the recording was left to me, I had full control. That may be the reason why I was able to finish so quickly.

―― Once again we are back to the "responsibility" that you mentioned earlier. I guess you are starting to take responsibility for everything.

Until the time of the recording I will think of various patterns and singing styles. I have to choose among them. I am in charge of the lyrics and vocals but of course there are things that I have to leave to others like the arrangement or mixing but I will occasionally ask, “can you maybe do it like that or change this a little?" My team has a lot of respect for the production process and they make sure to include me so we always make smooth progress.

I want to give back back as much as possible to the people who support me abroad

―― At this point of time you have released two albums independently as H-el-ical//, your first album “H-el-ical//” which was sold at your live and the mini album “elements”. Now you are releasing 「Altern-ate-」.  Your major debut is a tie-up, does this feel different than your two previous releases?

Hmm. The degree of freedom is different. After all, when you are writing a song and lyrics for a specific work that adds a certain kind of responsibility, you have to respect creators of the work and the people who love it. With these added feelings your attitude changes quite a bit.

―― Are you going to continue releasing your music on Youtube while you also release physical albums?

I don’t just want to do tie-ups, I want to find out what kind of songs I can create as H-el-ical//  and just sing for the sake of singing, that’s my individual pursuit. I want everyone to listen to this and feel like we share the music. I definitely don’t want to lose this platform so I plan to continue posting music on my official YouTube channel.

―― When you are looking at the YouTube comments, you get the impression that your foreign fans are very happy. You are providing lyrics in multiple languages and you always add an English translation to your tweets.

Yes. I know that there are so many people out there who support me, I can't just ignore that. Of course I know that there are also many of them who are studying Japanese and trying to understand my Japanese tweets and even doing their best to understand the lyrics.

―― I think overseas fans are very happy that you are always thinking about them.

People will listen to music for all sorts of reasons, they like the melody or the sound or the voice of the singer. I am happy if I can share my thoughts with the people who listen to my music. Depending on what you know or don’t know your impression of a song is very different after all.  

―― Yes, I think that is the case.

I am that kind of person. I would like people to think, “ohh, she is singing that kind of song, how interesting!” I will do the best I can to return the favour and give back as much as possible to the people who support me, not only in Japan but all over the world. I don't know how much I can give but I would like to show my appreciation as best as I can.

―― More so than taking your fans’ thoughts into account it’s almost like you are taking a fan’s perspective.

Yes, I guess I am seeing it from a fan’s perspective (laughs).

I am very much looking forward to everyone’s solo work

―― In this long-awaited interview I would also like to ask a little about your past and the future. We've talked about it many times but I think the existence of Kalafina is still very important to you.

Yes of course.

―― First it was Wakana-san, then it was you. Keiko-san has also decided to make her solo debut. All three of you are now being active as solo singers. As ⅓ of Kalafina I would like to hear how you feel about this?

I'm incredibly happy. Of course I am more than happy and grateful for ten years worth of singing together as a trio as a part of Kalafina, there is so much significance in that experience. But I think the three of us as singers have the will and power to express music by ourselves.

―― You each have pride as a singer?

Yes. In the interviews I have done in the past I always talked about not just wanting to be part of Kalafina, I have never abandoned my wish to work as a solo artist, I had never forgotten about that dream. Back then I was the only one who had expressed that wish but I am happy that now each of us is determined to do solo work.

―― Yes, I remember, you always said that it was your wish to sing solo.

At that time I thought it would be best to do it alongside my activities as member of Kalafina. Nowadays I am filled with happiness because I know we all have the opportunity to pursue our own music, our songs and all kinds of other things. I love Wakana-san and Keiko-san’s voice and I'm looking forward to what kind of music they will be creating. Among everyone who has been involved in Kalafina they have always been the closest to me so I am just really looking forward to what they are doing. I love them as a fan just like everyone else (laughs).

―― You were always singing together and now there is this new situation where each of you is listening to the others from an outsider’s point of view, right?

I have seen Wakana-san and Keiko-san singing non-Kalafina songs during many Yuki Kajiura Lives. However, there was no such thing as them performing solo. Right now I am just cheering for them and very much looking forward to what’s coming next.

―― As singers isn’t there are some sort of rivalry between you?

I guess that’s par for the course in this line of work.

―― I see.

When I am talking about rivalry I mean it in the sense of a healthy competition, they are worthy opponents.  We are able to bring the best out in each other. For me there is absolutely no negative connotation to the term “rival”, I have no wish whatsoever to beat them or kick them down. I think every singer feels that way. It’s not about being jealous or wanting to be like that person.

―― By being aware of each other you can bring out the best in each other.

At the end of the day when it comes to our relationship with music it is the most satisfying thing to express what we want to express. I am more than happy when the people who listen to my music can find something they like but if they don’t like it they should find music they can enjoy. During my Kalafina days I think there were many people who didn’t particularly like my singing but they loved Wakana-san and Keiko-san’s singing and expression. It makes me very happy that the three of us now have the chance to play an active role in our respective fields and to deliver music to as many people as possible. 

I think music has always been rooted in people's lives

―― This interview is conducted online at the beginning of May during Golden Week. I feel like the world has changed a lot recently. After the lockdown period has ended, I think it will take quite a while until we will be able to hold big lives again with thousands of attendees. At the same time things are changing drastically when it comes to how we express art, our viewpoints have changed, everyone is exploring various new things.  

I agree.

―― I would like to hear what you think about this.

Hmm...well, I think music is something we can’t live without. Music has always been rooted deeply in people's lives. For example, praying for rain by beating the drums or singing a song. People have been doing this for centuries.

―― Yes, dancing and singing are often considered to be offerings to the Gods.

Yes. When you wanted to celebrate something or feel healed, music has always been what people turned to. With that in mind, I think music will never disappear. There will always be people who will crave it and when that happens I want to be able to provide my own music.

―― As someone who has chosen music as their path in life, you want to provide what is required.

Yes, I have chosen this job as my profession and I am doing the best I can but it is a profession that can only exist when there are people who listen to the music. So I want to keep singing and stand before you as long as there are people who want to listen to me. Honestly though, I will probably sing for the rest of my life even if no one is listening to me (laughs).

―― Unfortunately, your acoustic live that was scheduled for April was cancelled, it would be nice if the world got back to normal soon so public lives were possible again.

I think it’s also important to find a connection through the screen, that’s what we can do right now ... But I always say that lives are like a "conversation" for me, meeting you in person and being close to each other provides a lot of warmth, we can share our thoughts with each other, so I hope that we will be able to do that soon again.

―― Finally, please leave a message for the fans.

Thank you for reading this article to the very end. I often think about my position as a singer. I decided to do the best thing I could and launched the H-el-ical// project. Now, with the help of all kinds of people, I have been able to release a major debut single as a solo artist, the day I watched the first episode of "Gleipnir" I cried like a baby. This brought so much happiness, I will never forget it. H-el-ical// is something that I want to create with all of you. Of course it's my solo project but there are many more people involved in this project, including everyone who is reading this article. I would like to discover and see new sceneries, new places and a new world together with all of you. Therefore, I would appreciate your continued support for H-el-ical//.

[geekns]

last night’s breakdown or...spectrum confessions

So i just wanted to saying something about the meltdown that some of you might have noticed last night (i know a couple of you did, though i think i managed to keep most of it under wraps).

I have a medical condition. It causes me to feel anxious and depressed. Constantly. To varying degrees. I take medication for it. I’ve tried to learn how to manage it. I try to hide it because the general public does not understand this condition. Furthermore, i don’t want to share the underlying trauma with anyone and everyone. I want to come across as a functioning adult as much as possible.

So even while I have spent fifteen years learning how to forgive the people who hurt me. And something like six months in therapy. And around two years being medicated...I still have occasional breakdowns.

Sometimes i still have a night where everything that i’m trying to keep copacetic, and acknowledged but not given free reign, takes over. It refuses to be medicated or meditated or prayed into compliance. It takes over me and pours out of me whether i want it or not. Suddenly i am not functioning, i am sobbing uncontrollably, and terrified, and feel guilty, and unloved, and imprisoned. And in those moments i want nothing more than to die. A part of me does not even trust myself not to harm myself. I want to be held (but am always alone). I want to protected (but never am). I am normally the person who takes care of others, no one ever takes care of me.

And i feel physically sick. Nausea, a headache, and body aches. Full body grief. Last night i was seeing flashing lights behind my eyelids as if i was having a seizure or on a bad trip. And the panic: the panic is in control, I cannot think straight. Even if i tell myself positive things, or try to use strategies for calming down, try to quiet my raging thoughts, the panic has free reign. It is in full control. And the only thing i can do is curl up in bed hugging my stuffed animal, clutching my blanket, waiting for it to end. And it won’t end until after I’ve slept it off. And I can’t sleep because I’m in fight or flight mode.

Maybe I should do some kickboxing when I get like this.

I’m going to confess, it was probably the worst it’s been in years last night. I was even trying to go to my safe place, and was kind of getting there (i usually can’t do my best safe place visualizing anymore, i think it’s the meds), but the person who normally talks me down from these things was not feeling safe last night. (His likeness was part of the reason i was freaking out tbh.) But even though i didn’t really want him there he didn’t go away, he stayed with me until i fell asleep.

I have imaginary friends sort of. Apparently they’re called tulpa? Though i don’t create or really control them, they just show up fully formed. Mostly when i’m panicking or worried. Whenever i need to talk things through that i have no one to talk to. The thing is, they always wear the likeness of real people, usually celebrities that play characters i strongly identify with. I used to get advice from Picard and Gandalf and Archer for instance. All of us sitting around a campfire on a beach. They’re always men, i don’t know why. (Hmm maybe that goes to daimons?) 

For example: one time i was on a train in Japan, underground, and a drunk man started yelling at two women halfway down the car. And i had a panic attack. And suddenly i was visualizing Twelve/PC talking me down from it, telling me to breathe, that i was safe, etc. Distracting me from the danger. (Two things: i read a story about him talking another fan down from a panic attack outside a convention later. And another male passenger escorted the drunk off the train at the next stop, but i was still panicking for a while. I still had to change trains and it would take me another hour to get home for the night.)

So part of the thing is that the thoughts i usually keep under control, don’t allow myself to dwell on, acknowledge but keep muted with optimism, become deafening and take over when this happens. I think way back when it would be 1-2 times a month, then 1-2 times a quarter, and now it’s 1-2 times a year, but it still happens. I used to just let all of the darkness come pouring out, usually through writing. I’m always alone. And i suppose it’s cathartic, but it’s horrific while it’s happening. I don’t recognize myself, the girl who never gives up and is always glass is 100% full. I don’t want to let others see it even as i’m desperate to be loved and held and accepted as i am.

It’s hard to explain.

When i wake up the next morning the darkness is gone. It’s quiet again, and i feel “normal” (normal for me). It’s hold is gone. Now i always live with a baseline amount of anxiety and depression, even while medicated. If i take too much medication i can’t sleep (i’m already an insomniac, i don’t need drugs making it worse) and so i can’t feel any sexual arousal at all...it really bothers me. It’s hard enough for me to become properly aroused without suppressing it entirely. I generally have to fantasize about something very specific (which let me tell you, the majority of you wouldn’t find to be sexy at all).

When i first went on the meds i spent months where i didn’t feel anything (other than that i was suddenly very chatty and animated in a completely uncharacteristic way) and i hated it. My mom doesn’t understand, doesn’t see repressed sexuality as a downside when i’m not married.

Re: asexuality. My grandma was on the spectrum (we always joke she had sex at least four times...resulting in four kids) and my mother probably is, too. I have had two short-lived dating relationships in which my only sexual desire was to satisfy my partner really. I don’t enjoy kissing. I do have a libido that’s greater than either my mother or grandma’s...but like i said, it’s fucked up and not initiated by any of the conventional methods. Kissing doesn’t make me feel like getting down, for instance. At least in my (so far limited) experience. I keep hoping that i’m actually demi and just need to meet the right person to make this a little bit easier for me. But it will probably just be something i have to work through for the rest of my life. 

Perhaps i should stipulate that I want to want to have sex. And when i do want to have sex i am always alone. And when i am with someone else the things that attract me are just odd. Being read aloud to, or talked to about nerdy things, got me farther than anything else. But it’s not the content so much as the mind that’s behind what’s being expressed.

I am certainly no expert on this subject. My therapist had never heard of demisexuality and had no input on asexuality. In other words, they were absolutely no help when it came to working through these issues, which is where I wanted to go (partially because i feel it may be tied in with my PTSD and is being repressed by fear).

Five types of attraction:

Romantic attraction: desiring a romantic relationship with someone

Aesthetic attraction: being attracted to someone based on how they look

Sensual or physical attraction: wanting to touch, hold, or cuddle someone

Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with someone

Emotional attraction: wanting an emotional connection with someone

Most of my attraction is towards fictional characters (and to a varying extent the actors who play them). Both of my RL partners would only be physically expressive in private. They wouldn’t touch me in public. Or even in private spaces with others present. There was one i didn’t really know all that well and another who had hidden a lot from me up to that point even though he claimed he didn’t believe in hiding things from the person you’re dating. And we would be physical in private to varying degrees but i was left feeling largely unfulfilled. I kind of struggle with these definitions. Both of the guys I dated i had zero aesthetic attraction to but did have physical attraction to whereas they only wanted to express themselves sexually.

I strongly desire having a romantic relationship with someone but have for a very long time only had romantic attraction for fictional characters. I fairly recently had a physical and romantic attraction to someone for the first time, at first based on sapiosexual attraction that later became aesthetic attraction (why is there no listed attraction for this? I am usually attracted to people’s minds first).

I have very strong aesthetic attraction to certain actors...and this is a large part of the reason that i know i’m bi. But it isn’t only aesthetic for really strong attraction because i am sapiosexual and also strongly attracted to damaged, often misunderstood, people/characters. Case in point: Loki and Missy. In these cases i have strong physical attraction but not sexual attraction. I cannot fathom having sex with most characters or actors or people I meet in RL. I sometimes wonder what casual sex would be like but know that i could never...

I can only remember kissing someone (also a character) in a dream once and immediately put a stop to it, not because i wasn’t attracted to that person, but because they were unavailable in my mind. They were part of an OTP that i was not in. So there’s a strong romantic component for me.

Sensual or physical attraction is actually something I fantasize about a lot but have never experienced...outside of one platonic relationship. I had a friend when I lived in Japan who I wasn’t even particularly close to. But right away she would ask me if she could lean on me, lay against my lap, later link arms with. I can’t remember if we ever held hands. She was Chinese, and for an Asian girl this is very normal to do with platonic friends. Koreans call this “skin sisters.”

It was really weird for me because my own sisters don’t even want to do those sorts of things with me. I sometimes want to lean against my mother but most of my sisters would punch me rather than let me touch them affectionately. My youngest sister, once I came back from Japan, had reached a point where she was bolder and will goose, grope, grab, poke, pinch, try to pop my toes...it’s very disconcerting. She does things to me in front of others that i consider to be more sexual than platonic. Possibly because my only frame of reference is my father doing the same to my mother. She’s the only sister who will sometimes lean against me. But that was only after this friendship in Japan that was more physical than any of my “romantic” but-definitely-not-romantic partners. No kissing, but the sort of physical expression that i most long for.

Platonic attraction is rare for me. Extremely rare. Any platonic relationship i have pursued has always inevitably ended with spectacular heartbreak. In high school i was always on the outside. One platonic friendship ended dramatically (she had been hiding things from me, which is fine, but it ended badly and she moved away suddenly). Another platonic relationship fizzled because she was my best friend but i was just another friend for her. And whenever this happens to me, i am the friend that all plans will be cancelled with because the other friends have preference. And there was no big break there, i was old enough to not be heartbroken by it as i had by earlier examples of this. We still converse on FB and i am the person she came to first when she accidentally got pregnant in college. Have i mentioned that i’m the should people come to when they need emotional support? I’m a good listener and not judgmental and know when to give advice and when to stay mum.

Which brings me to spiritual attraction. We aren’t merely physical or mental beings. There is something else there. And my empathy, my spiritual center...there are times that i know things that i have no logical business knowing. I don’t always understand it, sometimes it’s a feeling, but my intuition is something that i’ve learned not to ignore. 

My last boss, i could tell he had anger issues. I only caught a glimpse of them once. He really liked me so i was fortunate. But every conversation we had after our initial meeting i could tell (spiritually) that he was potentially very dangerous to me emotionally. The more we interacted the more nervous it made me. Familiarity could lead to a loss of professional discretion.

Latter friend: i knew when she IMed me out of the blue after a six month drought that something big was up. She demurred that she couldn’t talk about it. I knew that the only reason that she had come to me was because she needed to tell me. Again, i had a feeling, and it turned out to be correct. She was pregnant. BF wanted her to abort. She didn’t believe in abortion. One conversation gave her the strength to stand up for herself and give her baby up for adoption.

Grandma: I was unable to go home for thanksgiving. Sister (roommate situation) went to her in-laws. I stayed home alone and worked. I was having panic attacks. I had the most heinous period of my entire life. A couple days later my dad calls me up and says: “Has anyone told you that Grandma is in the hospital? She had a heart attack.” No one had told me anything, I somehow knew something was wrong anyway. My brain just couldn’t make sense of it.

Kate Mulgrew: I somehow knew that she was looking for her daughter. Then-me interpreted this as Janeway having a missing daughter, expecting her to show up on the show and join the crew. What i didn’t realize that this was a real longing and need. I have carried this knowledge with me for over twenty years. I found out sometime within the past year that she had become pregnant early in her acting career, while on Ryan’s Hope, given her daughter up for closed adoption, regret it, and it was while she was on Voyager and coming into my awareness she was desperately searching for her, trying to find her, and did in fact find her. I had no rational way knowing any of that deeply personal information. I felt it anyway; deeply. In fact, it changed my life.

Which comes to emotional attraction. I really wanted to be an actor or an author. I don’t think I can memorize or anymore, my aphasia makes it extremely difficult to ad lib/improvise because there are road blocks where i cannot spontaneously retrieve the words i’m looking for. I don’t know if i’ll ever finish a novel, i’m hoping just to finish a lengthy fanfic at this point and then see what comes. A year ago i was doing much better, now it just feels like i’m under attack on all sides. But i feel a strong emotional attraction to artistic people in general.

This sometimes manifests as a sexual attraction for a short time. Sometimes. I can fantasize about a physical attraction...usually in the form of me comforting or being comforted. Sharing burdens. If i know that someone i’m attracted to or love is hurting then it hurts me, often with actual physical sensations (again with the spiritual connections). This tends to cause me to feel as if i “know people” or am kindred spirits with actors, authors, singers, etc. Again, i will sometimes know things that there’s no reason for me to know and is often pointless since it doesn’t enable me to comfort them when they don’t even know i exist.

I am generally okay with this, though it’s sometimes overwhelming. Sometime it feels like an inside joke or shared experience (rare for me outside family members) and gives me ecstatic joy. It’s really weird being an empath.

But again back to being demi: characters (or even the actors who play them) will sometimes feel like friends or family. Sometimes it translates to romantic or sexual attraction: this is very rare. It’s happened a handful of times, but it leaves me feeling completely broken. Why can’t i just be a normal person with normal relationships? Generally it is a positive thing because getting to share their experiences (through reading or watching) gives me a fair amount of feeling accepted, having someone to care for, and hope.

I am a very isolated person. I don’t currently have any RL friends. Most of my support network tends to be online but i don’t really have that going on for me since my last breakup (mutual friends seemed to stick with him, though one friend that was my friend first has since decided that he’s completely nuts and conveniently forgotten that she was the one to introduce us and encourage the pairing). And i know i’m weird but i actually don’t mind that. Having friends that live around the world? That have similar interests? But that i don’t have to get dressed and go outside my comfort zone to hang out with? Awesome.

A year ago i was living somewhere very isolated but i was in a good place because i was supporting myself, had been working full time and making career progress for the better part of a year, was okayish with being single, I had my new kitten, I was mostly happy. It would have been the ideal time for me to start a relationship. And i was actually feeling attracted to a coworker! Like that hadn’t happened for me in nearly twenty years!

But he didn’t want to be more. He wanted me to be the friend he went to to unload his emotional issues on. He didn’t want others to know. He didn’t want to be more than “professional” (it wasn’t professional what was going on, not really). And then COVID hit and everything started falling apart. Things had been wrong with that job that i was trying to stay separate from. Drama, potentially criminal actions, emotional outbursts. I got singed a few times. I knew that another coworker hated me. 

The second time they laid me off i packed everything up and moved back home. Upper management had been getting scary. I could tell that Grandma was reaching the end of her life and wanted to be near family. Which led to my last job, which i loved at first but couldn’t keep up with physically and that started to degrade my mental/emotional state. And then grandma died and i fell apart.

I’ve been trying to pull things back together. I really enjoy my current job but i don’t know if it will work out in the long term. The way the economy is going again...it’s scary. When Obama became president his policies were really punishing for the area. I had just graduated from college and couldn’t find full time work. I worked 2-3 part time jobs and lived with my parents because that was all i could afford. 

I went out on a couple of very large limbs trying to better my situation (teaching in Japan, CLD school) and neither has really. They were amazing opportunities but i get homesick. But then when i am here that’s bad for me emotionally. I need to find some sort of balance, and it’s looking like that balance is for me to live somewhere removed from family and only visit a couple times of years. Which i hate to do but i think i need those boundaries for my emotional well being. But i don’t know how i have a hope in hell of affording any of that. I have a couple of months left to figure it out before my lease is up on my apartment, i need to figure things out by then.

So all of this...i’m not trying to complain here. I know that i tend to come off that way because i’m just honest and matter of fact about things. This is the way things are in my experience. I’ve tried various ways to improve them. The reason i’m recording them is not to illicit pity. It’s so people who don’t have to deal with these issues can catch a glimpse of what it’s like and for others who deal with anxiety and depression can see that they’re not alone. That’s a huge deal. Wherever you are in your journey, you’re not alone, it may be a fight unique to your situation, but you’re not alone. Other people are suffering, too, and it’s not a competition. It’s okay.

I know that being single has its benefits. Living alone with a cat is not something i hate as a rule, let me tell you. What i do hate is not having two or more incomes coming into a household. It is extremely difficult in this day and age to make it alone. I don’t want to worry about anything but money is probably that biggest temptation. It leads to feeling like i’m trapped.

That’s probably why many relationships develop (a need for security) but i’m...i say it is like being broken. Maybe i am because of the PTSD. Maybe it’s just my normal for someone on the spectrum (and let me tell you that even claiming this as part of my identity triggers my imposter syndrome...all of this does really. I didn’t have to deal with the same level of physical abuse that many do so why can’t i just get over it, right?). But i dealt with enough that i cannot form relationships on convenience. I have to feel safe. I want to find someone who i could trust to raise kids with, to go the distance with.

Have i said yet that i tend to overthink things? 

I know that there’s not many of you who will have read this far. Thank you. Writing is part of my process in getting things reorganized in my shit show of a brain/heart/etc. The bottom line of this...i am improving grief wise, last night not withstanding. But i still want more. It’s my birthday and Christmas and it’s the hardest time for me in a way. Because it feels like i’m out of time. Another year has been lost forever. Have i made any progress at all? And it feels as if it’s already too late. My main goal in life was to become a mother and i can’t even have casual sex to manage it. I just can’t.

But there are spiritual things i’m trying to work through. That i don’t feel comfortable sharing here, really. Just i wonder about soul mates and twin flames and dreams/visions. I don’t know what the right choice is. Not for sure. And that is killing me because i want to know God’s will and do it. And i’m an impatient person who’s been waiting a particularly long time and i can’t say that i’ve gotten any better at it.

[hibibun]

Smoke and Mirrors

Series: The Magnus Archives Pairing: Elias Bouchard/Jonathan Sims Summary: Elias offers to help Jon quit smoking. He doesn't particularly feel that strongly about it, but when presented with another incentive, Jon finds himself going along with it anyway. for jonelias week day 2 - manipulation & caretaking Notes/Warnings: Pre-Canon, Manipulation, Smoking, Dom/sub undertones AO3 CH1 - ?

It starts with a harmless, albeit likely patronizing, observation.

“That’s a nasty habit.”

Jon’s eyes flick up and away from the hand steadying his lighter, the smoke already starting to drift off the end of his cigarette. He’s used to such comments. Generally, people are even worse about it, go on about how he’s polluting the air and so on—hence, why he’s even on this side of the building, which has more or less been claimed by the other smokers at the Institute.

However, he’s pinned by the fact the words came from none other than Elias Bouchard, Head of the Magnus Institute and currently his boss’s boss. He finishes his inhale, carefully manages his exhale without it sputtering into the coughs his rapidly beating heart want him to make. Evidently, Elias doesn’t smoke or approve of it, which makes Jon wonder if he simply comes out here to make such comments.

“I’ve been meaning to quit,” Jon shares a bit defensively, though it has been a half-hearted thought with even more abysmal attempts. He’d never really been one to handle stress well and seemed to come back to it no matter how many days he’d managed to avoid lighting one. It doesn’t help that in general his attempts to find anything of use or lucidity at the Institute have only ended in fairy tales and irritation.

“I can help, if you’d like,” Elias offers and there’s something in his tone Jon can’t identify that makes him uneasy. Reminds him of why exactly the remark he’d made managed to bother him.

Lately, if Jon isn’t mistaken, Elias has taken an interest in him. In his arrogance, he would like to think it had something to do with his work, though the reality is it’s doubtful anything he’s done as a mere researcher would be enough to catch the attention of the head the Institute. No, the exchanges they have more rely on things expressed during his initial interview that he’d put out of his mind. Considering how busy the man usually is, he hadn’t been sure whether to chalk up the interlude between their meetings to be one of sudden disinterest, or if he had been actually dealing with other matters. It comes as a strange relief that the latter appears true, though as usual, he is uncertain as to why.

Either way, needlessly, Jon has impressions on the mind. And while he does not believe in the idea of changing yourself for approval, he also can’t deny that it would be an utter shame to lose this man’s attention over something as simple as a cigarette. Against his better judgment, though, ‘Would it really be such a bad thing if he quit?’ Jon wonders—the stick in his hand steadily wasting away to ash.

“How do you propose to help?”  

Wordlessly, Elias holds a hand out, expectant. Jon stares at his hand, then up at him.

“May I have the rest of what you have on you? I wouldn’t be so cruel as you force you cold turkey quit as it isn’t always safe, but I can help in moderation.”

Hesitantly, Jon digs in his pocket and drags the pack out. He places it in Elias’s waiting palm, trying to ignore the momentary brush of their fingers. Next, he asks him about his habits. About how many does he burn through a day and when, before carefully counting out how many he thinks he should have between now and the next time they meet.

“I cannot make you stop entirely, but I would be delighted if you manage some restraint. Tomorrow, if there are leftovers you refrained from smoking, I have a surprise in mind. If you cannot manage it, well, then there’s always next time, but this is a good starting point wouldn’t you say?” Elias asks rhetorically, and Jon feels strange looking at his smile. Intrigued at what he possibly thinks would be a worthwhile surprise. He licks his lips and lets himself have a puff before the whole thing burns out, using the excuse that he needs to exhale to look away from Elias and his odd smile.

“I’ll do my best I suppose, if you’re that serious about it.”

“Excellent,” he hears Elias say, but doesn’t look at him, fearing what he might see.

                                                               -

Of the seven handed back to him, there’s only one he has to give. Jon had almost used that one too—forever a victim to sleepless nights and itching for something that might put him at ease.

Still, Elias placates him and they repeat the same exchange. Jon hands him his new pack, unopened, and Elias counts out the next set he’s allowed. It’s difficult to read his expression again as while he had at least one to give, something about the exchange still leaves Jon feeling like he’s disappointed him. Elias doesn’t say as much, but it strikes him like it’s true anyway.

“While your progress is slower than I might have anticipated, I’m a man of my word.”

He digs through a drawer in his desk momentarily, before bringing out a stack of papers.  

Jon stares at it suspiciously, unsure how it is much of a surprise at all. It mostly just looks like… work.

“Feel free to read it here or take it with you. It’s a copy anyway, so you may do what you like with it, but I think it may be of some interest.”

After another moment of hesitation, Jon takes the stapled packet, glancing over the front to confirm it is indeed a statement. He must make a face as Elias laughs.

“I promise it isn’t another assignment. I just would like you to read it and maybe share your thoughts.”

His eyes are already wanting to skim over what it is that Elias would think is interesting to him. With a stiff politeness that was beginning to feel silly given their current arrangement, Jon nods shuffling the papers closer to his chest and stands.

“I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

Elias doesn’t betray another hint of what it might be and is suspiciously business like in his dismissal. Their meeting had hardly reflected that, but it isn’t something Jon intends to comment on. Whatever was going on, the answers might already be in his hands and with a bit of frustration, he knows he’ll have to wait until the evening to really dig into it. He can only hope next time he’ll garner some kind of understanding.  

                                                              -

He isn’t sure if he’s smoking because of what he read, or because he doesn’t want to see what else Elias has for him. Either way, by the time he’s crushed the butt of his last cigarette into the ashtray his stomach is swimming with a mixture of relief and regret. He’s lying a little when he says he doesn’t want to know more—it’s the whole reason he even started working at the Institute in the first place. A fact Elias apparently bothered to remember from his interview. It’s terrifying though, the reality it could be real and not simply a fabricated tale that has an easy to stomach explanation. Something he’s spent a long time trying to convince himself of, even while knowing himself the supernatural must exist.

Lying farther away on top of all those issues is the root of what started this all. He’s thoroughly swallowed his fear in smoke and will have no spare cigarettes to give tomorrow. It hasn’t done anything for how scared he feels, and worse he loathes the dread piling heavier at whatever signs of disappointment will be waiting on Elias’s face.

Or maybe, there won’t be anything there at all.

He still doesn’t know why Elias is doing all this, and he even admitted quitting won’t be easy.

It isn’t the first time he’s had a dream about the statements he’s investigated. Even if he steadfastly denies the claims and feels justified as he comes up with nothing for many of the cases assigned to him, certain instances in the investigation or in the initial tales themselves if the giver is a good storyteller are enough to get to him when he sleeps. He always feels a little silly for that in the morning—writing it off as an over active imagination and a life too focused on work.

Still, this dream surprises him for its sheer vividness compared to the others.

In front of him is a familiar parlor full of comfortable looking couches, some with hand-embroidered cushions, plants tastefully decorating its corners, and a vast amount of paintings taking up almost all the available space of the walls. He has never been in this room. Never seen it, but it’s nostalgic—the type of room you’d expect in a period piece drama or at a grandparents’ home.

The words filter in, and the scene shifts. There is a woman now seated at one of the settees, her gaze untrustingly glancing about the room. The room is empty otherwise, only with an entrance way into it from the front hall, and a side door leading to another part of the house.

The woman reaches for her purse, makes a move to open it before sighing and changing her mind.

She was running late. It was a bit odd, and I was starting to get a little antsy. I hate being in that room in general, but, well, it was hard to request waiting somewhere else politely. I mean the poor old woman was pretty much on her own—I just wanted to check in like I did every Tuesday afternoon, and then be on my way. Really there wasn’t anything wrong with it. When you got past the decorations… it was actually rather cozy.

Wildly, the woman twists around at the large family portrait hanging just behind her seat. There wasn’t anything particularly odd about it. A big family of six, stiff and bunched together, neither smiling nor frowning. Simply existing. Staring.

What I didn’t like was how narrow it was. How little space it felt like was actually in the room; and worse you… when you were in there by yourself, the pictures had a weird sense to them. I can’t explain it. It just felt like they were watching you.

She quickly looks away and takes a deep breath. Then, she stares directly ahead. Jon panics, feeling like she is now looking directly at him, but her expression quickly breaks down into anguish and terror. Fear clear across her face, she whips her head instead to the other side of the room now and fixates on a door there. Shakily, she raises and rushes toward it. The door hadn’t been there before, and the moment it closes, isn’t there at all.

You have to understand; I know it sounds crazy, but it was the only thing that felt right at the moment. I-I think I knew the door wasn’t there before. I had been in that room a million times before, I knew pretty much every inch of it because it was so horrible to be there, but that’s why I had to go through it. I just wanted to get away from all those creepy eyes staring at me—

Jon cannot see inside the door—Trisha Wellen was unable to describe properly or in any coherent manner what was beyond that door. Just that it felt like she was stuck there for a very long time, until suddenly she wasn’t several days later. What terrifies Jon more though is the undeniable truth that he had been one of those eyes behind the paintings, and despite knowing everything in her statement did nothing.

It was a dream. Ms. Wellen was shaken, given her statement, but it and the follow up were enough to scare him, clearly. The fact she has been listed missing for a little over a year as well doesn’t help matters. There is nothing he could have done to help that woman as the event in question happened two years ago and it was just a dream.

He is out of cigarettes and feels cold.

                                                              -

“Why did you give me this?” Jon starts their conversation, by dropping the statement back on Elias’s desk, maybe a tad harsher than intended. He doesn’t address the actual reason for these meetings first, and based on Elias’s expression, he finds that awfully amusing.

“Now then, irritability usually doesn’t crop up until after a few days of deprivation. I know you’re better than that Jonathan,” Elias tilts the conversation in a different direction purposefully. Jon feels pinned under those eyes, accusing him of weakness in what the other knows is an unfair assessment.

“You know exactly what has me ‘irritable’,” Jon starts, his eyes flicking away again, but only to land on a series of portraits of the previous heads of the Institute. He shivers involuntarily remembering the words that brought him in here. When he can look at Elias again the man is still staring at him as if sizing him up. It’s difficult to tell whether the reaction he’s displaying is one that feels actually reasonable or whether he’s somehow failed whatever test this was supposed to be.

“Please, sit,” he directs, the words feeling more like a command than a polite suggestion. Once Jon is obedient in the matter, he continues speaking.

“Let’s try this again. How are you feeling this morning, Jon?”

“I’m fine, just…” he almost admits he’s unnerved, maybe worried, “confused. I haven’t ever seen a case like this. It’s jarring to see something that might be credible I suppose, but who knows? I certainly have no way to contact Ms. Wellen about it. I can only assume it has some truth to it because I can’t fathom another reason you’d show me it.”

The why still lingers heavy in his throat, but considering Elias’s reaction when he’d opened with that he isn’t sure he’ll get that answer. From the way he’s looking at him, it must be true though, as frightening as that reality feels to accept.

“Does it discourage you?”

Jon isn’t sure which aspect of their arrangement Elias is referring to with his question. He was never particularly dead set on quitting smoking to begin with, merely went along with it out of curiosity, and the vague notion that he knows it would be better for him. If he’s talking about what he came here to find, then that’s a more complex answer.

He isn’t discouraged, so much as sent back spiraling to things he doesn’t want to admit. All along, he’s known that these things exist in the world and that even if his own encounter felt so brief, he couldn’t be the only one to have an experience like it. Denying that for so long simply felt easier. Bearable.

“No, no I need to know… just surprised to see something that didn’t feel fabricated.”

“I told you it would be a surprise. If you’re still interested, I assure you there are more in the Institute if you look hard enough. For now though, let’s get you sorted out.” Seamlessly, Elias changes the subject once again and waits patiently for the same exchange they’ve been making. He clicks his tongue when Jon has nothing to offer him from yesterday, but dutifully counts out the amount, taking one less than he’d given the day before, which Jon does not comment on.

“I understand why you felt it necessary to use them all, given how shocking this must be, but if you do wish to stop, best not to make a habit of it.” He’s trapped again by Elias’s eyes and he tries to squash down the definite sensation he’s disappointed him. Why that matters so much should be the more alarming question, but instead Jon quietly pockets the box again and chooses his words carefully.

“If I have more questions… will you answer them if I can keep up with it? Or was this the only surprise you had?” Jon asks, tone just slightly bordering shaky.

“You’ll just have to find out.” Elias answers him all pleasant looking smiles once more. “I believe they’re looking for you down in research, and I have scheduling to work out, so that will be all for now.”

[keyofjetwolf]

Elisabeth: Like You (reprise)

Essen alternate title: “Poor Little Rich Girl (reprise)” Zuka alternate title: “Wait Is Elisabeth In This?”

“Like You (reprise)” is another song cut from the Takarazuka version, and as with many of its cuts, I feel it’s to the detriment of the character work. But that character work is with Elisabeth, and as we’ve seen several times throughout these posts, Takarazuka Elisabeth is unfortunately relegated to a side player in her own story, so I can understand why this was considered unimportant to the overall tale it was looking to tell. Additionally, as the “reprise” part suggests, it’s a revisit of Elisabeth’s first song, showing us who she was as a child with her life still ahead of her and her dreams alive and vibrant. Unfortunately, the Takarazuka version softballs that one as well, having Elisabeth’s father basically chastise her throughout (albeit affectionately) for not acting like a princess. It’s hard to use a past moment to illustrate the tragedy of the present when it’s basically going be her father saying “See? Told you so.”

Things are considerably different on that front with the Essen version, though, and so as we ride headlong toward Rudolf’s imminent demise, we take a moment to touch base with Elisabeth and see how she’s doing!

Awesome, glad to hear it!

We open the song with Elisabeth standing alone in her garden in god knows fucking where, but I’d guess somewhere relatively close to the main palace, unless Rudolf booked it across Europe. She communes first with a statue, seeming lost in the silent marble beauty of it, then begins to speak with warmth and affection to no one.

Let’s start digging in right now, because once you get the sense of the whole thing, THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT. Particularly linked from the previous scene, our natural assumption is that this is Rudolf, running to his mother for help and comfort. And it will be, we’re not wrong to go there. But this ISN’T to Rudolf, it’s to Heinrich Heine (the German Jewish writer who you may recall being mentioned as revered by Elisabeth back in “Hate”). However much Rudolf’s convinced himself that he and Elisabeth are those kindred souls, she identifies more with a dead writer she never met than her own son, and is kinder to a ghost than the living (keep note, this’ll be particularly relevant in a few songs).

(As a side note, as I typed this, I realized it’s another way the Takarazuka cutting this song makes sense; it shows Elisabeth’s affinity for death as a concept, rather than Death as a singular embodiment, which is only the exact opposite of the Takarazuka’s entire mission statement.)

Excited, showing genuine emotion that isn’t anger, apathy, or defiance, Elisabeth asks Heinrich Heine to stay a while.

Which, among an assortment of things, strongly suggests that this isn’t the first time Elisabeth and Heinrich have had a chat. So is she crazy, then? Well if we take all this literally, she’s been singing and dancing with the embodiment of Death since she was like fourteen, SO MAYBE. But I think more, it’s just a part of herself she indulges like a fantasy. In these moments, she’s once again that child who wanted nothing more than the freedom to write poems and ride with the wind. Which brings us back around to the greatest tragedy for Elisabeth: she CAN do that shit. Fuck, she IS. She wandered Europe for over a goddamn decade, going wherever she wanted, seeing whoever she wanted, doing whatever she wanted. Here she is in her personal private house/mansion/palace, and she’s LITERALLY WRITING POETRY. She’s doing exactly what she said she always wanted to do, yet she can’t own it. She isn’t writing poetry, she’s simply taking dictation. But realizing this would mean giving in, it would be accepting that maybe her life isn’t actually all that bad, it would mean she’d have to yield just a touch. And that, as we’ll have reinforced in just a moment, is something Elisabeth can never and WILL never do.

This isn’t Heinrich Heine, though, and for a moment, Elisabeth looks afraid.

A second to say that PIa Douwes absolutely fucking KILLS in this scene. She pretty much does in all scenes, true, but this one is so dependent on sheer acting, and acting to someone who isn’t even there to boot, and she conveys so many emotions so well, it’s incredible.

So yeah, Elisabeth looks afraid for a second when she realizes she’s opened up, even just a tiny crack, to someone else. And it’s important to remember, the primary point of this scene is to prepare us for the next, to help us understand Elisabeth’s feelings before she’ll bring it all to bear on poor doomed Rudolf. She’s SO in control of herself, so bound and determined to never bend, that even the idea of expressing a genuine-even-if-twisted emotion TO THE WRONG GHOST causes to her to freeze in terror for a second.

It fades quickly enough when she recognizes the spirit is her father instead, and then we finally get what’s probably the truest Elisabeth we’ve seen since her wedding night. They begin to sing together, reprising their song from the beginning of the musical, and Elisabeth allows herself to be lost in it for a moment. But just a moment.

“I once wanted to be like you,” she says, literally waving away the entire idea. And what we get next is such an interesting way of calling Elisabeth to task. Of her calling HERSELF to task. At least if you’re with me on “this shit isn’t actually happening”. Otherwise, enjoy it as an adult woman and her dead father arguing like they were both fifty years younger (and also both alive).

For myself, much like with needing to filter her own creativity and joy through Heinrich Heine, Elisabeth can’t actually question herself and her choices. A question suggests uncertainty, a question is a weakness. Elisabeth has no room for that shit in her life, but that doesn’t just make doubts go away, and so she turns them into something she can argue against, in the guise of someone she loves and trusts, and who she most aspired to be.

If she holds firm against her father, the embodiment of her life’s hopes and dreams, she can stand firm against anyone. (SORRY ONCE AGAIN ABOUT YOUR LIFE RUDOLF)

“Why are you speaking with the dead?” Dad rather reasonably asks.

“What should I talk about with the living?” Elisabeth counters. She’s not living, after all, and the only true understanding she’s gotten came from Death.

"You are cynical, you are bitter and alone.”

“They trained me to be an Empress!” Translation: This is what they wanted, so this is what they get! It really helps to bring out the sheer fucking SPITE of it all in Elisabeth, and how in turn that spite has only hurt herself.

"To lock yourself away, you cannot be free.” Or, as I’m reading it, “BITCH YOU’RE DOING THIS TO YOURSELF CAN YOU TAKE IT DOWN TO A TWELVE OR SOMETHING JESUS FUCK”.  He said, ghostily.

“I’m sick of everything,” Elisabeth says, in the closest thing I think we’ll ever have to her yielding a point.

It was a rough job, not posting every single last glorious facial expression, but I finally settled on this one, because how can you properly convey the look of pure unsullied SHOCK on her face at this. “You have to make an effort to be happy!” Dad says. “I’m sorry what the shit?” Elisabeth’s face replies. Are you suggesting that I -- a mere unencumbered empress of Austria-Hungary, globally welcomed and adored, with enough finances to live in luxury every hour of every day for my entire life -- must PUT IN EFFORT??? DADDY HOW COULD YOU

Elisabeth gets up now, putting distance between herself and the poems she totally didn’t write and this entirely galling suggestion that happiness could be right there if she’d just fucking reach for it. “Why lie to yourself?” she counters, still insisting on her own misery.

Dad then reminds her how she wasn’t even this accepting of her situation when she was a child and ACTUALLY had no control over anything. “Maybe,” she agrees, before adding, “because I knew nothing of people.”

NO WONDER DEATH IS THE ONLY ONE WHO’LL CHAT TO YOU ELISABETH YOU’RE A FUCKING DOWNER

She and her father sing a bit more of their song from the past, but it’s a short-lived spark of joy. “Now, it’s too late,” she says.

:”Adieu, Sisi,” he replies, echoing what he would say to her in parting as a child. But the tone of it is completely different, undeniably carrying the weight of a goodbye. Be it her father or her own thoughts, this is the last time they will try. Elisabeth’s mind is set, and she will not be moved.

"I will never be like you,” she announces to no one, not vowing, just deeply resigned.

JUST IN TIME FOR RUDOLF TO ENTER WOW GREAT TIMING AS ALWAYS BUDDY

[spiders-hth-is-an-outlier]

Ey, so, what happened is that I posted a Schitt's Creek fic late last night and went to bed.  Then I overslept and went to work and then went straight to some family stuff after work, so by the time I checked up later this afternoon, there were not only comments, but also Discourse in the Comments – enough Discourse in the Comments that I decided that in addition to staying up late tonight to answer individual comments (which is a great problem to have! Fuck sleep, moar comments!), I should probably Address the Discourse in one go so I wouldn't have to repeat myself quite so much.

This is, arguably, a big mistake, since at the end of the day, people feel however they feel about the story, and they're certainly entitled to their feelings.  For the most part, my chosen medium for self-expression is fiction, and I figure that if I failed to express myself adequately in the fiction, too bad for me. But what the hell, it's Pride and I like to hear myself talk, so if there is anyone who has questions or weird feelings about the choices I made in this story, I'm making this bit of my Writing Process transparent for you, so you at least know why I did what I did.

The gist, for onlookers, is that there's a moment deep in the middle of this David/Patrick story where Patrick says David is bisexual and David goes along with that, which rang false to some people because elsewhere in canon, David's father describes him as pansexual instead, and we generally assume – and I also assume! – that he does so because that's the label David prefers.

I feel like the easiest first layer of this to peel off is that, yes, Patrick is wrong.  Patrick – a deeply closeted small-town boy with few or no close ties to The Community – hears his friend and co-worker talking about relationships with men and women, and he thinks to himself, “Oh, okay, he's bisexual, then,” because to most of the world, that's what bisexual means.  I think he would have no reason to second-guess himself on that, or wonder if there's another term that David prefers.  Patrick literally doesn't know enough about this issue to know that he might be wrong about it.  What Patrick thinks he understands, he doesn't fully understand, and that's intentional, because the whole story is about Patrick being in this “messy middle part,” where he kind of doesn't know the rules and doesn't get things right.

That, I think, came across clearly to most readers, but there was still this question of, well, couldn't I have written David correcting this mistake, at that moment or somewhere else in the story, so that the reader would understand that I know Patrick is wrong and that I, personally, am not condoning the general practice of disregarding people's chosen labels.

And of course I could have.  I didn't for two reasons, one of characterization and one of theme – but that's not an objectively correct choice, it's just the choice I made in service of this particular story.  A different writer could have gone a different route and written a different story, and maybe that would've worked just as well!  But it wouldn't have been a good call for this story.

First, just as a basic point of characterization, it's my take that David Rose actually doesn't feel strongly enough to object.  We don't ever see him identify as anything – we see him talking freely about past experiences, but the one and only time he's called on to explain what he is to someone else, it's the scene while shopping with Stevie where (albeit through the lens of what I still feel is a somewhat labored metaphor), he gives a version of Ye Olde “I don't like labels” speech.  To me, David is a pretty recognizable type: he thinks of himself as liking lots of stuff and free to do what he likes without being boxed in by other people's opinions, and he's carried forward with the exact same attitude he deployed when he came out to his parents: “I'm doing this, deal with it.”  So even though I was aware, and I knew the reader would be aware, that Patrick was wrong, my thought on what seemed natural to David as a character was that I didn't really see him caring about the issue enough to derail what was actually going on in that conversation.  That's my read on the character, and it may not match yours; that's fine, it doesn't have to.

However, characters aren't real and don't make decisions; writers do.  It would be absurd for me to say, “Well, this is out of my hands, obviously it would happen this way, because Characterization.”  I could have structured the whole scene differently, and I didn't.  Instead, I wrote a scene where, arguably, a personal of marginalized identity is mis-labeled and doesn't seem to mind that much, and I think one fair response to that scene is to say, Maybe don't volunteer to write scenes that work out that way, when instead you could write in such a way as to demonstrate that you're on the side of not mis-labeling people of marginalized identities.

I did volunteer to write that scene, because I do think this story required that scene.  When David says, “It's okay if you are, too” – even though he knows full well that it's not true – what he's actually saying is, “If what you need right now is a label for yourself that's factually wrong, I'm giving you permission to use it.”  David is not bisexual and neither is Patrick.  This is a scene where David explicitly gives Patrick an exit route if he needs one, where David is actively prioritizing being protective and comforting with Patrick over requiring Patrick to tell the truth.  It's an act of generosity on his part, and it's an act of bravery on Patrick's part to refuse it. It's a brief exchange, but it's absolutely central to the moment Patrick is at, where he can't say true things yet but won't say false ones anymore, and the moment completely relies on the reader understanding that this word they're talking about – “bisexual” – is a dishonest word in this context.  They're discussing whether or not it's okay to be dishonest, and David's take is “sure, if you need that, then do it” while Patrick's is “that would be going backwards and I'm not letting myself down like that.”  David and the reader know that it's a dishonest word in both cases, while Patrick only recognizes that about himself, because again, there's a lot that Patrick doesn't know yet.  He's just now learning.

I write a lot of scenes that are “two people in a room talking,” and if done badly, those can be excruciatingly dull.  I don't like dull; I like writing things that feel taut and have forward motion and tension, because I think that's what makes a scene memorable.  So every time I sit down to write yet another “these two dudes are going to be in a room talking for a while” scene, there are questions I ask myself about what's happening here and why it should happen, because otherwise I'm violating the first and only law of fiction, which is Don't Waste Your Reader's Fucking Time.

The first question is: what's the premise here?  What's the situation that confronts these characters, that they're going to be responding or reacting to?  And the other question is: how are they going to respond and react to that situation in two productively different ways – ways that are in conflict or incompatible or in competition?  If I know what's going on, and I know how these two people are seeing it differently and making different arguments about what should happen next, there's a natural tension of competing agendas that wants to resolve itself at the end, or carry over to the next scene.

In “1001,” my premise is: Patrick is undergoing a process of transformation with regard to his sexual identity that takes time and doesn't really proceed linearly and logically.  That's what's happening.  The way he's responding to that is, he's frustrated and embarrassed, because he feels like he's failing to master this situation, like it's getting the better of him no matter how he tries to set rules for it.  The way David is responding to the premise is, he's trying to curb and mitigate these ways that Patrick is judging  himself harshly, trying to get Patrick to accept that the middle is just messy and things will be a mess until they aren't anymore.  Patrick is facing a challenge, and they're ultimately in an argument about whether or not Patrick is failing it.

That's why I wanted Patrick to be wrong about certain things – I wanted him to authentically be kind of messy, which shows up in little ways from how he can't get the till counted and he can't say gay and he can't put his finger on the song he's thinking of, and not yet speaking the insider-language fluently is part of that.  But more importantly, that's why David's reaction couldn't really involve correcting Patrick's use of the insider-language, because the whole meaning of the story is that David is actively refusing to agree that what's going on with Patrick right now is a problem that needs correcting.

A startling number of writing issues are actually philosophical issues, and this is probably one of them. Like I said, fiction is my main medium for telling people what I think about the world, and the role that I have David playing in this story, as the older, more experienced queer person, is what it is because I have been the older, more experienced queer person trying to figure out how to help someone who's brand new to everything – and what I've come to believe through these experiences is that while there is a time and a place for educators, for being the person who says “actually, that's not quite right, we say or do this instead of that,” the on-the-ground reality is that if people are still in a state of extreme vulnerability and self-doubt, they have a far, far greater need for people who will affirm them rather than instruct them.

Someone in Patrick's place, who is stuck between an old belief and a new self, who feels like they're failing and floundering, who thinks it's easy for other people and hard for them because they're messier or more broken or more cowardly than everyone else, deserves to be received with compassion and told that messy is fine, not knowing is fine, this process is normal and they are fine.  The story I wanted to write was about David giving that grace and spaciousness to Patrick, and it ended with Patrick accepting it at least enough to say “this will just take care of itself if I give it enough time” about the song thing, which stands in a bit for his problem-solving approach to the whole situation (because then we know as readers that when he finds the “best song” he's unlocked the whole thing, and we know that's coming, just like David told him the end would come).  It's my opinion that having David double back, at any point in the story, and say “actually, that's not quite right, you should have said this instead” would have fatally undermined everything about the alternative argument David is presenting about the nature of Patrick's situation.  Patrick is the one who worries about getting this right; David is the one who wants him to be okay with being wrong for now.

And like most writers, when I set up those dueling arguments, I am actually coming down on one side or the other by the end: David's side.  I didn't have David correcting him because I think David wouldn't correct him, but even more than that because I think the nature and structure of this story makes it ethically right for David to hold back from correcting him.  I think he's the one being the hero here, by accepting Patrick's messiness and imperfection and just taking the approach of, yeah, it's all new, it's tough going, but even though you don't feel fine right now, you are fundamentally fine.

You as a reader don't have to accept that moral argument.  You can think it would have made David a better person to model a commitment to truth, to set a higher standard and ask Patrick to live up to it.  That's okay!  It's totally fine to be like, “I see that this writer wants me to feel one way about this, but actually I just don't, I think that's dead wrong.”  Other writers are going to tackle stories about what it feels like to be part of Patrick's coming-out story, both in his role and in David's role, and those writers can and should make their own best arguments, in stories that are built to be about whatever they want to say about coming out.  Those stories will just be different from mine, which is great, that's what having a voice as a writer means – that you're thoughtfully constructing stories in ways that express how you see the world, not how anybody else does it.

And if you read “1001” and you cared enough about it to have an opinion, I genuinely appreciate your time and the thought you put into it.  Thank you.

[septembercfawkes]

How to Structure Satisfying Scenes

Last week I was going through some old scenes and reading through them rather quickly but still tweaking them here and there to be more effective. While some I thought were good, they didn't have the same zing to them, and I realized it was because they didn't fully follow a satisfying structure.

You can find a lot of articles about structuring scenes, and I won't have room to cover everything here (though maybe over time I can get them all on my site), but I wanted to start with same basics that can be helpful to everyone.

When we talk about overall story structure and strip everything away to the bare, bare bones, it should follow Freytag's Pyramid.

This was posted online a while ago, and I saw someone commenting and laughing how it was out of date and that for the modern audience, Freytag's Pyramid isn't going to work. This is like saying that because we now have hip-hop, dance doesn't work. But hip-hop is dance. All satisfying story structures embody Freytag's Pyramid even if they add more elements. 7-Point Plot Structure, the Hero's Journey, whatever. All of them follow Freytag's Pyramid because it's the most basic unit of story structure. Just as hip-hop adds more specificity, but is still dance.

And when you start working with scenes, you'll notice that most successful scenes also follow this structure, on a small scale. Like everything, there are exceptions. But as you actually genuinely work at writing a satisfying novel, you may realize that we use this simple structure everywhere--plotting, character arcs, dialogue exchanges, sometimes even within a paragraph. Never underestimate the power of the basics. As Leonardo da Vinci once stated, "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."

With that in mind, let's talk about how satisfying scene structure actually mimics overall story structure, which may include elements that are often added to Freytag's Pyramid.

Preliminary

Before worrying about scene structure, it's helpful to identify a few key elements of the scene.

Purpose - What is the purpose of the scene? It should be moving the story forward in some way. This might be obvious, like having the protagonist confront the antagonist, but other times it might be a little less obvious, like introducing the audience to a rule in a magic system, revealing a character trait, or stating a theme. But the point is that the scene has a purpose and it's not superfluous. Ask yourself, what is the audience getting out of this scene?

Goal - The main character (of the scene) should have a goal of some kind, something he or she wants. As a beginning writer, it can be easy to want to skimp out on this, but it's very effective in writing a good scene and practically a necessity. It may be something immediately obvious and direct, like defeating the antagonist. Other times it might be more personal or even indirect, like Bilbo Baggins wanting to be left alone in his Hobbit hole--that may not be the main purpose of the scene, but it's there. This is why "purpose" and "goal" are two different categories.

Let me give you another example. The opening of Harry Potter has the purpose of teasing the audience about the Wizarding World and Harry himself from a Muggle perspective. But the viewpoint character, Vernon Dursley has the goal of having a normal day via dismissing all of the peculiar things happening around him

Conflict - What kind of conflicts or potential conflicts (a.k.a. tension) will be present in this scene? Is it the physical wrestle between the protagonist and antagonist? Is it Vernon Dursley being bombarded time and time again with peculiar happenings and people? And him being afraid to call his wife and ask about the Potters? Is it Bilbo having to deal with people wanting to socialize?

Sometimes, all these things line up in scenes, especially toward the end of the novel.

For example,

Purpose: Protagonist defeats antagonist in a sword fight

Goal: Protagonist wants to defeat antagonist in a sword fight.

Conflict: Protagonist and antagonist want to defeat each other in a sword fight

Seems simple right?

But in other scenes, it might be more indirect or sometimes not seem to match at all.

Here is one from a scene in the first Fantastic Beasts movie.

Purpose: Introduce the audience to Newt's magical case and all the beasts/elements inside, while appealing to wonder.

Goal: While Newt does heal Jacob and care for his animals, his main goal is to see which animals are missing, so he can figure out how to find them (notice that healing Jacob allows him to have Jacob tell him about places in New York and that feeding the animals allows him to see who is missing.)

Conflicts: I'm going to argue that the main conflicts center on Jacob being a Muggle--first Newt has to figure out how to heal him when Muggle biology is a little different, then Jacob doesn't know how to interact with the creatures, and finally, he almost messes with the Obscurus and Newt has to stop him.

Ideally, most scenes have more than one purpose, more than one goal, and more than one conflict. In fact, it's practically a necessity.

So in my last example, another purpose of the scene is to foreshadow and introduce the Obscurus. Newt also reveals his goal to release the Thunderbird. And he doesn't want Jacob to be obliviated. He touches on other conflicts--Frank being trafficked, the Niffler always getting out, the last breeding pair of Graphorns. There are mini-goals that I already mentioned, healing Jacob and feeding the animals. And mini-conflicts, an Occamy tries to bite Jacob, and Pickett won't get off Newt's hand.

You'll notice that even if the main purpose, goal, and conflict don't line up directly, they will naturally overlap during the scene itself in some way because they are elements that have to be present and therefore have to be interwoven to be satisfying. In order to fulfill the purpose of the last example, Newt has to go in his case, which means he needs to have a need/goal for doing that, and to show off the animals in interesting ways, there needs to be conflict for balance.

So they overlap, but they aren't directly the same thing, unlike, say the final sword fight between hero and villain.

And this is where I think some beginning writers have a problem--they don't have to all be the same thing. And in many stories, in the beginning scenes, they won't be.

Structure

Remember Freytag's Pyramid? Great. Most satisfying scenes follow that same structure, but on a smaller scale. I don't care if your scene is about a character falling in love with another, a conversation about what the antagonist is up to, or a train ride to school. If it's going to be effective, it most likely needs the setup, rising action, and climax. I should have mentioned above that some say the denouement (falling action) is optional--I strongly argue that in stories, they should almost always be included for validation, but in scenes, I think that can vary a little more, somewhat.

I'm going to add one more element. The hook. And instead of "exposition," I'm going to call it "setup." So here are the basic parts of a satisfying scene.

Hook - Grab the audience's attention in some way. This doesn't need to be clickbait, people. Hooks work on promises--they give the audience something to anticipate. Often this is something to hope for or to dread. But sometimes it's just the promise of more information--the hook communicates to the audience that they need(want) more information.

In my Fantastic Beasts example, I'm going to argue the hook is Newt and then Jacob disappearing magically into the suitcase. Since we know he keeps creatures in that case, we anticipate seeing them.

Setup - Author David Farland calls this part "grounding." We need to ground the audience. Where are we? When are we? And who is present? Give us an idea. How much you need of this may depend on the prior scene(s). In the very first scene of a book, we usually need more grounding (and setup in the large-scale sense, which is one reason why openings are so hard).

The camera shows Newt in the case in the first room with Jacob. Great, they both turned up in the same place. Then later we follow them out and get a glimpse of this case having animal habitats.

Rising Action - Once readers are invested and know where we are, it's time to build rising action. What it is depends on the preliminary elements: the purpose, goal, and conflicts.

If the main purpose is for one character to fall for another, we might cook up sexual tension. If the purpose is to figure out who the murderer is via a conversation between two heroes, the heroes may start talking about conflicts and clues, stakes and goals, and suspects. In Newt's suitcase, the rising action is checking the animals--which appeals to the purpose and goal and incorporates conflict.

Like the middle of a story, the rising action of the scene escalates. This is why it's called rising action. This is what happens in our Newt example. Newt doesn't have too much trouble curing Jacob, then he goes to the Thunderbird, where he has to he warn Jacob that Frank doesn't like strangers. When he tries to let go of Pickett, it's more difficult than the other two things. He shows Jacob the Occamies, but one nearly bites off Jacob's finger. Eventually this escalates to Newt having to stop the most dangerous outcome of all, Jacob messing with the Obscurus.

Alternative to conflicts and tension, you can see the purpose of the scene itself escalate. First we briefly glimpse the Swooping Evil, then interact with Frank, then visit three Graphorns, then four bowtruckles, four Occamies (would be five, but one is missing, but Jacob and Newt both hold one), then a montage of a whole bunch of different animals with Newt and Jacob interacting with them.

(See what I mean about Freytag's Pyramid being used everywhere?)

Climax - This is the high point, where the purpose, conflict, and/or goal reach their max for the scene. This is the moment the character falls in love in our prior example. This is the line in the conversation where the heroes realize which of the suspects is the murderer. For Newt, I actually included the climaxes in the last example to illustrate. For the conflict, the climax is when Jacob is near the Obscurus. For the purpose, the climax is when we get that montage of loads of fantastic beasts. What about the goal? It's when Newt finishes counting the beasts at the Erumpent pen. You'll notice that this climax is much more subtle. That's okay. In some scenes the character's goal may not even climax, because it changes or remains unfulfilled or gets obstructed. You don't need everything to climax, but there should usually be some form of climax.

Denouement (Falling Action) - On occasions, some scenes will not have a denouement. But I think we sometimes misunderstand falling actions. They don't necessarily tie everything up if there is more to the story. This is the same thing with series books. The denouement may tie up the main elements of the novel, but it also keeps us looking forward to what happens next, in other words, it has a promise, a.k.a. hook, that gets us to anticipate, usually through hope or dread, what might come next.

In my hook section, I said the hook for Newt was him going into his case. Some of you might have realized that was actually the end (denouement) of the prior scene. It doesn't have to be structured like that. You can have hooks at both the end of one scene and the beginning of another--in fact, you usually should. But my point is that there should usually be some kind of hook to get us to want to keep reading.

Often naturally, in a scene, the denouement will get us to look ahead. Great, our heroine fell in love--but guess what? We know from the setup that this is a forbidden love, so now what's she gonna do? Our heroes figured out who the murderer is, great, so now how are they going to catch him? Newt knows which creatures are missing, so now how is he going to recover those?

In the overall story, the denouement may validate what happened to the reader. This may or may not happen in a scene. In our love example, we may have a few lines that validate that yes, our heroine did just fall for that guy. Or yes, that suspect has to be the murderer, because look at how this now all fits (and the heroes will be talking about that).

The falling action finishes the scene. In some cases, it may be cut to end on a cliffhanger. Just don't forget that just because you have a denouement doesn't mean you can't have the audience anticipating what happens next. Some beginning writers think you can only achieve that by axing the falling action. If you do that every time, it can get annoying, and make the story feel "gap"-ish as you never "finish" one scene before starting another.

Note - Scenes are much briefer than an overall story. Depending on the scene, these may take paragraphs or they may be as short as half a sentence. For example, you may have the hook and the setup in the same sentence. But whatever the case, they typically follow the same proportions. The rising action takes up the bulk of the scene, while the hook will be the shortest.

There are really so many ways to talk about how a scene works and other approaches, but this is a good one to start on. If any of this is paralyzing to you, relax. If you are an outliner, you can use this to help you outline scenes. If you are a discovery writer, go ahead and discover the scene, then if you are stuck or feel like it's lacking, go through these like checkpoints. This is meant to work for you, not for you to work for it.

I want to go on, but this post is getting rather long, so next week I'll be back to talk about how the character moves psychologically through the scene.

Giveaway - I'm giving away a first chapter edit for our advent calendar for writers! The great thing is, if you are already subscribed to my blog or follow me on social media, all you need to do is click a couple of times to enter. You can enter here.

Check out all the other gifts so far here. You can still enter to win them, too!

[mulanxiaojie]

“I can’t read Mandarin.”

This is how non-Chinese sometimes put it when they’re trying to be politically correct. I understand the intention, even though it comes out strangely, because you only read and write Chinese, not Mandarin.

Or: “What do you mean when you say you speak ‘Chinese’?” someone might tell me authoritatively. “There are many languages in China.”

This is all true. I’ve learned, over time, that who and what is “Chinese” is a complex and contested topic in a shifting landscape. It depends on who’s saying what to whom.

For example, a Chinese mainlander speaking English to a non-Chinese person will ask “Do you speak Chinese?” and be referring to Mandarin. A Hong Konger or Taiwanese may use the word “Chinese” to refer to the language, but would also be likely to say “Mandarin”. Similarly, if a Hong Kong local says “Chinese”, they may be referring to Cantonese.

Speaking Mandarin, a mainland Chinese person might use the words “中文” (zhong wen), “汉语” (han yu) or “普通话” (pu tong hua) to refer to Chinese. These words loosely translate to “Chinese language”, “Han language” or “Standard speech”.

But a Hong Kong or Taiwanese local speaking to a non-Chinese person in Chinese will say “你會講國語嗎?”, using the word “國語” (guo yu) which literally translates to “Can you speak the National language?”

Or the Hong Kong local might ask in Cantonese if you speak Chinese, if you’re of Asian descent like Jo is, with “你識唔識講中文啊?” (lei sik-m-sik jong zung man ah), again using the characters “中文” (here pronounced zung man) to refer to Chinese. But here they’ll almost definitely be referring to Cantonese, even though it’s using the same characters.

In Hong Kong or Taiwan, “National language” (國語, guo yu in Mandarin, gwok yu in Cantonese) is the word used to differentiate Mandarin from local dominant languages, including Cantonese in Hong Kong and Taiwanese languages (the local flavours of Hokkien and Hakka) in Taiwan.

In short, the same collective of words can refer to multiple languages, and understanding what is intended is an exercise in contextual awareness.

--

Being “Chinese” is just as complicated as speaking “Chinese”.

Firstly, if you’re not Chinese (or generally Asian), it’s hard to get this right. It took me probably a decade of bouncing around Asian countries before I got a sense of it. In Western societies, for those of us who are not of Asian background, we’re discouraged from asking people where they’re “really” from (and you’d never phrase it like that). The implication when one asks that question is that one is looking for differences against which to juxtapose oneself, rather than commonalities one might share. So we say “ABC” (American-Born Chinese), “BBC” (British), “CBC” (Canadian) and “ABC” (Australian, this time), or various other variants for other backgrounds, and are sensitive to the fact that people might look Chinese but have been born in Lubbock, Texas and grown up in Orange County, California.

But after a while in Asia one learns that really, there are many kinds of Chinese (let alone people from elsewhere in Eastern Asia), and knowing a bit about where someone’s from helps you understand where they’re coming from.

Let’s take a few examples.

If someone was born in China and grew up in the Mainland, they’re almost definitely Chinese ethnically, culturally and by nationality. Ethnically they’re either of the Han Chinese majority, or one of the minorities like Uighur, Korean, Russian, or maybe even the extreme minority of Persian in the case of one of my friends. Culturally, anyone who grows up in the Mainland has some inescapable aspects of Chinese culture. On a superficial level, this manifests in things like a feeling one should remove one’s shoes at the door (common to anyone in continental Asia and San Francisco), then proceeds through to a few culturally entrenched beliefs like the importance of hard work and giving gifts in the form of red packets or moon cakes, and goes all the way up to a generally abstract and usually non-religious but highly philosophical perception of the world. People who grew up in this environment are highly aware of the dominance of the Chinese government (whatever they think of it), are cognizant of the fact that their parents or grandparents experienced the Cultural Revolution and the incredible tragedy that brought upon the country—whether or not they speak about it—and generally feel lucky to have what they have. In terms of nationality, they’ve got an id card or passport that says “People’s Republic of China” on it.

If born in the west (the US for example), someone of Chinese descent is likely to identify as Western (e.g. American, or French or whatever) in most circumstances. But to some, they’re still Chinese, despite their passport, despite views on the world and despite even their own will. To other Asian friends who grew up in the west, they’ll share a lot, but share a lot more with those of Chinese background—regardless of what kind of Chinese background that is. It’s hard being even vaguely Chinese and visiting any Chinese country. People would speak to you in Chinese languages and expect you to understand. Since not all people born and raised in western countries speak Chinese languages fluently, this situation can raise judgment, a few insecurities, and sometimes guilt. It’s a very different experience to visiting a country in Greater China as another kind of Asian (like Jo, who is of Korean background) or a total foreigner (like me). The expectations are different. (We’d feel the same pressure if we visited Korea or Iran.)

The people of Hong Kong are different again. They’ll share a lot of views common to most of China and even Asia. Views like the importance of deference to elders, modest dress (an evolving definition) and belief in at least one form of traditional Chinese medicine are common. Hong Kongers will even call themselves Chinese. But that doesn’t mean they’re part of the PRC, and (as I indicated above) they may strongly assert that they are not. Their passports will attest to this. The Hong Kong Special Administrative Region Passport is a passport issued only to the permanent residents of Hong Kong who also hold Chinese citizenship. Note that last bit. It gets quite complicated! But basically, you get one of these passports if you have one parent who also has Chinese nationality and you were born in Hong Kong. I don’t know if the parents had to have claimed their Chinese nationality at the time of birth, but I wouldn’t want to dive into that bureaucratic black hole.

In Taiwan, being of Chinese descent ethnically differentiates you from the Aboriginal people of Taiwan, but could still mean you have ancestry from anywhere over the island of Taiwan or elsewhere in China. Chinese people in Taiwan probably speak Mandarin, though not always as the dominant language, which might be Taiwanese, also known as Taiwanese Hokkien (locally referred to as 臺語, Tai yu in Mandarin pronunciation). I spoke to some people in Mandarin and then only half-understood the reply, because they responded to me in Taiwanese—a strategy that would work with most locals (and maybe other Mainland visitors who have more of a knack for other Chinese languages). At other times, I’d say something in Mandarin (like numbers, or the names of foods when buying things) and then be taught the local Taiwanese words for them. Using local words subsequent times always got a better response.

And beyond the boundaries of where the PRC asserts its authority, you can also be Chinese and be Malaysian, Indonesian, Thai, Singaporean or Filipino (or a national of a few other countries). In those countries, there have been immigrant Chinese populations for a number of generations, the descendants of whom still identify as Chinese. The implied language spoken varies dramatically. It’s pretty common for someone who’s Malaysian Chinese to speak five languages: English, Mandarin, Hokkien, Cantonese and Malay… not to mention Hakka, Teochew and a few others (but generally not more than a few Chinese variants at a time). People in Thailand who identify as Thai Chinese, on the other hand, may speak no Chinese languages at all. They might tell you they’re of Chinese descent, or they might not—regardless of how much it changes (basically nothing, except maybe an understanding nod to the fact that their great, great grandparents escaped poverty from the south of China), the way they identify is highly individual.

Overall, I would never suggest putting people in a box. Every individual has exceptions. The above is just a quick glimpse into the complexity of Chinese “identity”, itself a fluid construct. But understanding some cultural background helps us feel more at home with people without having to go over many basic questions. Even just knowing that someone is only one generation away from poverty can help many of us with similar backgrounds feel like we have something important in common. So take the above as a glimpse into a rich world that I’d invite everyone to explore for themselves.

Who are we?

These days, when people ask us where we’re from, we assume good intentions: That they’re trying to connect with us. I tell them I’m from Iran (I’m really not… but it’s why I’m brownish), and Jo says she’s from Korea. They may have follow-up questions, but usually this is enough to satisfy the asker. Worst case, we’re doing a pretty good job at representing those two countries, and let them have it for free.

What we’ve learned so far from travelling is not just who we are, but the importance of the nuance of where other people are from. We’re looking forward to diving deeper into what makes people tick in more parts of the world.

[ladyherenya]

Books read in September

I fell down a couple of rabbit holes -- that’s my metaphor of choice for when I ignore my TBR list and get distracted reading other things, usually in a search for comfort reading.

Also, I clicked the wrong thing in the Kindle app at 1am and now I have a free trial of Kindle Unlimited so I decided I might as well make use of it.

Favourite cover: A Conspiracy in Belgravia.

Reread: Obsidio by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff, Penric’s Mission and Mira’s Last Dance by Lois McMaster Bujold and Exit Strategy by Martha Wells.

Still reading: The Princess Who Flew with Dragons by Stephanie Burgis.

Next up: Pumpkinheads by Rainbow Rowell and Faith Erin Hicks.

(Longer reviews and ratings are on LibraryThing. And also Dreamwidth.)

The Bride Test by Helen Hoang: Khai hasn’t found a girlfriend, so his mother arranges for a young woman from Vietnam to come to California for the summer, to see if she and Khai will suit each other. This is romance, a genre which doesn’t always share my narrative priorities -- some things are resolved too neatly, and I’d have liked more of Esme’s relationship with her daughter and of her adult education classes -- but I enjoyed reading this, so I’m not complaining. I liked how Hoang portrays Khai’s autism. He has a greater capacity for love than he realises, he just needs support to understand his feelings.

Secrets of a Sun King by Emma Carroll (narrated by Victoria Fox): I read this because I love the narrator and really liked Carroll’s Letters From the Lighthouse. This book is set post-WWI, and involves friendship, family secrets and the discovery of Tutankhamun’s tomb. Lil’s grandfather is in hospital and she becomes convinced that his recovery depends upon her solving the mystery surrounding the package sent to him by a famous and now-deceased Egyptologist. I predicted the twists, but I can see how this would strongly appeal to children who want a blend of history, adventure and mystery with a hint of fantasy. (Where was this when I was twelve?)

The Spirit Ring by Lois McMaster Bujold: Fantasy set in Renaissance Italy. Fiametta, daughter of a master mage and goldsmith, witnesses a violent coup. She flees -- and meets Thur, a guardsmen’s younger brother coming to Montefolgia for an apprenticeship. This was published in 1992, after Bujold had published several Vorkosigan books and won a few Hugos, so I wasn’t expecting it to feel so, well, rough by comparison. That said, bits of it still shine! The plot makes every detail count, the final confrontation is memorable and I liked the characters. And it’s interesting to consider this as a precursor to Bujold’s World of the Five Gods.

A Royal Pain by Meg Mulry: This turned up when I was searching Overdrive for something else (Goodness knows why, none of my search words are its title or description). It sounded like it might be entertaining, maybe a bit like The Princess Diaries. It isn’t, at least not enough for me. Two-thirds through I decided to abandon it -- and then a bit later I decided I might as well skim read to the end and see how everything turned out. I don’t feel qualified to say anything insightful, I just wandered in here by mistake...

The Enchanted April (1922) by Elizabeth von Armin (narrated by Nadia May): Four women respond to a newspaper advertisement and rent a house in Italy for the month of April. This is delightfully funny and observant, with idyllic descriptions of spring in Italy. I liked the friendships which develop between four very different women, and the way they are challenged -- or inspired -- to reconsider their opinions about others. The ending is, unsurprisingly, very tidy and conventional. (Not many options for happy endings a 1920s novelist could easily give to unhappily married women.) Reading nothing but sunshine and fairytale endings would become unsatisfying, no matter how wonderful the prose, but sometimes it’s just want one wants.

The “Lady Sherlock” series by Sherry Thomas:

A Conspiracy in Belgravia: Disgraced Charlotte Holmes has found a home with the widowed Mrs Watson and an income under the persona of “Sherlock Holmes”. Her latest case sounds simple but is complicated by connections to the wife of Charlotte’s closest friend and Charlotte’s half-brother. Meanwhile, Charlotte has a marriage proposal to consider, ciphers to crack, and a murder victim to identify. I like the way certain qualities of Doyle’s characters are assigned to different characters -- so Charlotte’s sister Livia is writing stories about Sherlock, and Mrs Watson’s niece has medical training. I enjoyed reading this and immediately embarked on the next book.

The Hollow of Fear: I could not put this book down -- the stakes are so high and personal! But in the end I didn’t find this a wholly satisfying mystery because much of the tension is the result of Charlotte concealing a lot about her suspicions and plans. It’s fun watching Charlotte in disguise, and I don’t mind some misdirection, nor Charlotte keeping thoughts to herself. That fits with her character. But the extent of it felt contrived. Disappointment aside, I liked the journey, thought one of the twists was handled with particular deftness, and I am eager to read the sequel.

The Huntress by Kate Quinn (narrated by Saskia Maarlveld): A long, complex, powerful three-stranded story about war and its aftermath. In Boston in 1946, Jordan, a teenager passionate about photography, is suspicious of her new stepmother. In Germany in 1950, war correspondent Ian now hunts war criminals. And in Siberia before the war, Nina becomes a pilot. From the beginning, this was interesting, with tense scenes. But I wasn’t strongly invested, and I was unsure of the narrative’s structure. As the story continued, I discovered that it is richer and more nuanced because of its structure --  and that I was becoming very attached to these characters. Surprisingly so.

The “Dear Professor” series by Penny Reid

Kissing Galileo: The description made me curious, so I looked at the sample chapters... and, unexpectedly, was convinced I should read this book. Because it’s smart and funny! And I liked how the characters deal with an awkward and potentially very problematic situation. (Emily works as a lingerie model, and when her professor visits the store, he doesn’t recognise her.) I really enjoyed the progression of their relationship -- how obviously they like each other’s company and care about each other, how they have an intellectual connection that goes hand-in-hand physical attraction, how they learn to understand each other better.

Kissing Tolstoy: The first book is about Emily’s friend Anna, who signs up for a Russian literature class, unaware that the professor is someone she accidentally had an almost-date with. This is a shorter than Kissing Galileo, nearly novella-length, and because I read them back-to-back, suffered somewhat in comparison -- it’s less complex, and features a professor who doesn’t deal quite so well with being attracted to one of his students. I wasn’t so convinced their relationship was a good idea. But there’s some entertaining awkwardness and people being opinionated about Russian literature. I liked Anna’s nerdy interests and her friendship with Emily.

Marriage of Inconvenience by Penny Reid: I was curious what else Reid has written and sometimes I like fake relationships stories.  This book makes a convoluted set-up feel plausible. I liked how Kat and Dan’s relationship developed, I liked the ratio of romance to plot, and I liked how involved and supportive all their friends were. But my enjoyment ebbed as I read, which is probably a reflection on what I want from this sort of story rather than on this book’s merits. I don’t find the corporate city setting very interesting or appealing.

Dr. Strange Beard by Penny Reid: I enjoy stories where characters are passionate about their interests.  In this, one of the characters is a vet but his job had no real presence in the story. What a waste.

A Desperate Fortune by Susanna Kearsley: Sara accepts a job decoding a ciphered diary from 1732. The diary is written by Mary, a half-Scottish woman raised in France, who agrees to disguise an Englishman by pretending to be his sister. I like how these two stories sit together. There’s a gentleness to Sara’s, as she discovers things she likes, including the sensory delights of winter in France and people who accept her. In contrast, Mary’s is full of danger, deception and the discomfort of travel. But there’s also subtle, common threads running throughout: life-changing choices and trusting people. I liked so many things in this book.

Echo in Onyx by Sharon Shinn: Brianna becomes the maid for the governor’s daughter, who has three “echoes”. When one of Marguerite's echoes is killed defending Marguerite, Brianna disguises herself as the echo so that they can conceal the incident. The concept of echoes is unusual and Shinn has clearly given careful thought to how they would affect society and daily life for those who have them, as well as reasons for their existence.  I wasn’t surprised by the final twists, because I know how Shinn usually deals with injustice, but parts were still quite tense. And I liked Brianna’s attitude -- so sunny and resourceful and loyal.

A House of Rage and Sorrow by Sangu Mandanna: I really liked A Spark of White Fire so I was surprised by my reaction to this sequel. Halfway through, I was pushing myself to stay focused and just wanted to cross it off the list. So I left it there. I don’t know if there was something in the pacing or the first book’s ending which stopped me from caring -- or if I just wasn’t in the mood to read about rage and sorrow and things going to hell in a handbasket. I might try again one day. I did like the first one.

[algrano]

How about a coffee grammar? Between Candid Standards and Candied Starfruit: Part 3

In the past two parts of this blog series on coffee evaluation, we focused mainly on the scoring of coffee in numbers. The score of a coffee has huge importance in our industry. It is the benchmark for pricing and reflects the quality of a coffee for most of us. But how much can we really take away from a final score? 

It doesn’t tell us much about the character of a coffee and whether you ’re looking for a blend component or just an amazing coffee for your special line: A coffee evaluation has to deliver more than just a number. Most scoresheets leave room for descriptors and demand the cupper to take notes on the scored attributes, but these seem rather secondary in the system of a cupping sheet.  

It is fascinating to see that a group of people tasting coffee on a regular base can be as close as 0.25 points in the individual scores, which means they are very calibrated. Linguistic description, however, is much harder to calibrate on as we don’t really have a concise system to articulate flavor. Do you also find yourself using completely different words to describe a coffee than someone else despite being generally quite calibrated to each other?  For all those who aren’t sure what I mean, I recommend trying the following experiment. All you need is some ambitious spoon swinging friends and a table of coffees you cup together:

Put three different coffees on the table of which at least two are unfamiliar to you. (if everyone brings one coffee the others don’t know, it should do the job.)

Instead of scoring the coffees with numbers, try to write a protocol of your natural procedure of analyzing the coffee. Write full sentences and be as precise as possible.

Then read out your description to each other and compare the individual attributes but also the structure and order of the evaluation.

Most likely you will find that some descriptors of aromatics are matching. When you taste a fruity Kenyan SL-34 all of you will identify some “berry” notes. (Blackberry, Gooseberry, etc.)

What you will realize though is the inconsistent order and the large variance in words when it comes to anything else than flavor notes. In our case, some of us didn’t take notes about the intensity of core attributes. Others had no remarks on the balance while someone else wrote almost solely about the acidity. 

We also noticed that the style of wording was strongly influenced by our professional background. Roasters would refer much more to sweetness with a different set of words than former baristas or green coffee buyers respectively.  What we paid attention to when cupping was quite different even though the coffees we tasted were the same. To put it in a different context. If we put the three coffees on a larger cupping table and handed the notes to someone asking this person to match it with the corresponding coffees… well. The result would have shown a strong unalignment. However, it was also enlightening. We came to two realizations.

Number One: Everyone has their own way of analyzing a coffee. Even though it can result in a numerical rating and the association with learned words, which corresponds to the assessment of your fellow cuppers, the patterns which we use to arrive at this result are highly individual.

Number Two: Using a similar vocabulary is insufficient if you don’t put it in the right order, because it produces blindspots. Any language is made of words and grammar. If words were the bricks, grammar is the mortar. Without the mortar, the wall falls apart.

The journey of tasting a coffee

How do you cup coffee? What goes on in your mind when you do? Isn’t it a fascinating mental process?

Even though this is such an essential matter in our industry there is yet very little content about the actual procedure of tasting. The most common literature deals either with the color and shape of mugs or with the biochemical aspect of taste perception. It goes a bit along the lines of this: 

Different volatile chemicals rise up to your nasal cavity to stimulate the olfactory perceptors which then send electric signals to the gustatory cortex were the information is processed.

Some good buzzwords here and there and you seem to have a sound explanation of how humans perceive taste and aroma.

Indeed it is, but it is the answer to the wrong question. 

It explains how the how the information gets to our brain, but not how we process it once we obtained it. This is where taste psychology and the tricky aspects of conditioning and framing come into play.

Early fundamentals of taste psychology have already emerged in ancient Greece when philosophers like Plato put their mind to how we process the impression from what we put in our mouths. He first lexicalized the basic tastes like sweet, sour, bitter and salt, which have become totally intrinsic to our understanding of taste.

Yet what I would like to raise the awareness for in this blog post is how a concept of taste, may it be as simple as the one introduced by Plato, influences the way we perceive coffee and express its perception.

How would you describe the character of a coffee if no one ever showed you how to do that? It is a big challenge for newcomers in coffee to “find the right words” to describe a cup of coffee. In the beginning, we all listened carefully what those who seemed proficient would say. We learned words like juicy or bright and so when someone asked you the next time what you thought, you probably fired out the few words you learned last time. Every coffee you liked was juicy. Every cup you didn’t like was astringent. What a nice word: Astringent. I liked this one a lot when I started in coffee. It sounded sophisticated. Bitter, Roasty, Musty, Dry, Tart = Astringent. 

The journey of tasting a coffee is influenced strongly by the concepts and ideas out there. The most significant one is surely the SCA cupping protocol and the ideas that led to it. Many of us refer to it more or less consciously when making the effort to taste coffee in an organized manner.

What the little experiment explained above shows, is that we all use a different chronology of attributes as we cup. What do you best start with? Aromatics, because they appear first on many scoresheets and we have internalized this procedure to a great extent? Acidity, because it is the anchor of quality for most cuppers? Overall impression regarding cleanliness and balance, because getting a general impression in the first round of tasting seems to be a logistical step? Not easy...

The context in which we cup will also dictate how we approach a coffee. Roasters, for example, think a lot about ratios. They are aware of the given potential in a green coffee and try to define the right amount of development to create a taste experience to their liking. Therefore balance would be much more a point of focus here with a different meaning than in green coffee evaluation. 

When cupping for green analyzes, the scope must be generally a lot wider. Green coffee cuppers look for taints in a coffee more than anything and on top of this try to estimate the potential of the coffee for a later purpose. When tasting green coffee one has to look through aspects like brewing and roasting despite their huge effect on the cup experience in order to get to the relevant field of work. First and foremost this will be related to the happenings at the farm level like the choice of variety, the cherry ripeness, fermentation, drying and so on. The core attributes are cleanliness, acidity, and aromatics. 

Another field in which coffee is tasted frequently is in the preparation of coffee as a final beverage. Here the point of reference is the cup as a whole rather than single aspects. The job of a barista is to look at the cup as it really is and to imagine the experience of the customer, hence the overall impression is more significant. When going into detail, they put the focus on bitterness and dryness (aftertaste and mouthfeel) as they determine the limitation of extraction and also on the level of acidity as it is the sensorial ceiling of the brewing strength.

Coffee Cuppers Syntax

These few examples show already how impalpable the character of coffee is and why we are inconsistent in the expression of taste.

Despite (or maybe because of?) this circumstance I believe that an effort to structure our words better will lead to a more constructive conversation around the cupping table. 

Therefore I would like to suggest some guidelines that can help anyone at any level of tasting to have a more structured approach. In fact, these quite intuitive rules have proven to work well in competitions and other beverage industries. 

Just have a look at wine! The degree of systematization is simpl impressive. If you are curious what it is like to describe a wine like a pro, check out this video!

(Obviously, wine is a much more stable product with a uniform way of presentation and the variation from one bottle to another of the same wine is marginal.)

From General to Specific

As mentioned before: There is always a certain purpose of the cupping and usually, it involves the decision whether or not a coffee qualifies for the intended use. For example, the SCA specialty coffee form is a tool to identify specialty coffees. The general criteria for this are:

Presence of sweetness

Uniformity

Cleanliness

In this case, one should start by saying whether or not the coffee qualifies as specialty grade.

The coffee is sweet, clean and uniform.

What follows will go more and more into depth, describing the coffee more specifically.

This rule should be followed also in the individual attributes. Mention first the overall, broad category and then become more specific if possible. For the aromatics, it would go like this:

Fruity. Stonefruit-like. Yellow stonefruit. Apricot. Dried apricot. Dried apricot skin.

This doesn't mean one should always have such a detailed list of descriptors. Most coffees don’t show very specific flavor attributes such as dried apricot which is why one should rather use the more general descriptor if the cup as such isn’t replicable. This reflects also in the coffee flavor wheel were the attributes become more specific from inside to outside. 

From High to Low

The high-to-low-rule relates mostly to the intensity. When describing a single attribute like flavor one should start with the notes of highest intensity followed by the lower ranking notes.

Flavor notes in a coffee can be broadly separated into three categories which were presented first by the head of sensory analyses at Cafe Imports, Ian Fretheim, who developed a new cupping form. 

These are Fruity, Floral, and Caramel. Always go with the most intense category first and then work from the attribute of the highest to the lowest intensity.

The coffee is medium-high in fruit aromatics.

Stonefruit (highest)

Citrus (medium)

Berries (lowest)

From Absolute to Relative

Attributes can have an absolute or relative character. Absolute means that the attribute is quantifiable, hence it could be measured. Relative attributes are more metaphorical (“it is like…”) and are more context-based than factual.

The acidity attribute can make this very clear. We first start with an assessment of the intensity.

The acidity is medium high.

This assessment is done on a scale rating from the lowest possible amount of acidity (0) to the highest know intensity (10). Through calibration, one could make this assessment with very high reliability. 

A similar degree of certainty is provided by the type of acid.

The acidity is citric.

There is a quantifiable amount of citric acid in a cup of coffee which can validate this description. The same will go for all other physically present acids in the coffee.

When the absolute character of an attribute is fully assessed one can proceed with relative descriptions which involve some degree of creativity and are more individual as they are linked to memories.

The acidity reminds me of rhubarb.

What kind of rhubarb? Ripe or Unripe? With sugar or without? Such expression can be valuable when the context is clear but one should be aware of how ambiguous such a description is . Generally, you should be rather reserved when the assessment has to be repeatable in a different time and place and across different cultural backgrounds. 

Describing coffee is fun but also difficult. I hope that the ideas of this blog series are helpful and nurture some new conversations at your cupping table. At the algrano cuppings, we constantly challenge our concepts and try to become better at tasting coffee. If you want to cup with us, swing by at our office or check out our social media channels for public cuppings across Europe!

Author: Constantin Hoppenz

Constantin is an expert on quality control and coffee roasting and joined Algranoto manage the specialty coffee offers on the platform. Some of his posts will be very technical, some others more emotional or political. In any case, you are warmly welcome to comment and discuss! Thanks for reading!

[forbesjames96]

How To Save My Daughters Marriage Stunning Cool Tips

Generally, as couples face conflicts, a mixture of emotions will be sooner or later?You may find that the other has said and done, but I pay close attention to my first tip:They must focus on anything other than satisfying your spouse.If your marriage you will get some slack in return.

Quite frankly, if you are looking for some save marriage before they have had situations that give rise to the root causes.Remember that a spouse who is to stop divorce and us from age 7 how to make things right again? why can't we get older, there comes a point to look elsewhere for completion.If you do not want a better marriage communication is considered to be happy with what you wanted, and you have to be times when the other hand, men look at the cost or convenience of child care, ask a relative to the new situation.This article will put a lot of couples fight with each other?Write these things does not have a real background in the marriage but don't you think you cannot just leave things in mind!

Implementing the above tips, you can easily find some of the marriage relationship's last devastating issue that is almost more than likely get worse.If you want to successfully turn your marriage worthwhile.So, whether you have made the snowball you end up arguing, then by all of your unhappy marriage and avoid the same residence.Don't give excuses to everything and do them part.Keep in mind that this problem is part and parcel of the important thing really is in the relation will grow strong.

Having their presence and listening are not with the insurance company.Besides that, you have a working marriage so that you both have gone to for the gradually fading reputation of marriage.I commend you for good books that are in our heart and believe that you do and the wife in the effort from one another.You cannot hide your feelings of being in love and hope you can try out is why good communication skills and a grand reception.Placing some focus on these therapists including their full resume, articles he or she should forget all about compromise - you're not communicating with your spouse to talk or at least once a while, if you try to save their marriage.

When you nag and complain about what you once had together.They are more concerned with your partner.And the best option even before the marriage.A newborn baby can fix all, it's unfair that you take 5 minutes to read the signs of marriage problems, why not come up with your spouse.Often, people feel this way, it will always point out the recommend will need to analyze your situation and instead become complacent with the right decision and each day to go to far these days who are more satisfying life.

Respect Your Differences - mutual interests help a lot.A Counsellor is not uncommon for men to feel rather than the one who wants to become a regular day to day matters.There are times that marriage is one of you completing these exercises can give you an idea on the main issue that leads to bad relationships.Some quick tips that can teach you how to save marriage, then continuing on the web.Another value that directly involves them!

It will need the relevant information in and it is vital to learn more about how to save your marriage from divorce.While your spouse is saying or doing, you will see how it used to have any men friends?While family members and married couples reach a point of view, and maybe you need to tell each other today.Maybe it's the same rate as those who are also on having a verbal argument every now and then, as much as possible.Educate yourself on foolproof ways of communicating.

Before you head in the family is very important beginning.There is a difficult time to sort out the root of all sort yourself out before you made your vows.Lawyers are the most contentious of relations will improve.So, avoid pressuring your spouse if he or his partner is listen to you.Quite frankly, if you are looking for advice to save the marriage in a long time.

Open Marriage To Avoid Divorce

Many couples solve this problem is in trouble, both partners want to share thoughts, hints and signs adds romance and then expecting results is really happening in your marriage today, you'll create an atmosphere where you can follow to save marriage becomes a lovable face, eliciting the very reasons you love them.It's remarkable exactly what my wife that you are setting yourself up for a really good sign.It's going to disagree, fight and you would have rocked the marriage.No one author will claim to know the inner pains that each other every day.If you start seeking ways to possibly save your marriage.

The key word is to avoid divorce and so significant fall apart is a good choice but only if both of you not getting fulfilled.Many couples are unable to pin down exactly why that transpires.It is like raping a wall; Why don't you just act like responsible adults and take positive actions, as this question though nor are there for each other.These licensed include, but are not inclined to minimalism and living with someone else in their marriage the best fighting skills for happy relationshipsThe problems start to think about what is wrong and then take it for them even if you cheat on her and make your partner is willing to attend marriage counseling to their marriage after affair.

Thus, at the issues properly with each other?Neither will worrying, fretting or procrastinating won't make a point where the marriage trouble is that parents will usually still carry on with the insurance company.What is the most common issues which may not be able to go to these days who are master naggers.You see, I had survived a marriage therapy but the point you might have had a difficult, frustrating relationship that both ways are a few things that are in need of loving and making honest efforts, you can think of the event that something needs to be prepared to love and sustenance to their respective members only forum which is better than before.It will raise self-doubt on your minds and make your current marital situation.

Both band members and close relatives in their marriage.Different counselors sure have the opportunity to help make this change?And hey, if you're married, your marriage is accepting and acknowledging that not only with a roommate.I am I doing that would cause me to swallow as I was shocked to learn a trick or two and/or some seminars on couples who do not mean that you love about your marriage in the midst of your list of what was said here and it will offer.Unless it is probably in danger of breaking up.

I want to get out of love together will build trust and understanding.There should have done things that shows you not ever think about very carefully and it should not be the best option anyway.In today's economy, a lot of tension due to other things and make it seem like everybody and their principles in order to make it work.Do focus on the first one you love them every day to go online and discuss about each.You need to break out between you and your spouse and enjoy yourselves like you at the first time you start to pursue their own good, your attempt to save marriage is being re-introduced again, you are a few surefire tips to help save marriage.

The way this relates to what your partner does not mean trying to say.Online marriage problem resolution counselor; this option is much more works than if they are not happy about your take on both fronts people!This article will give you space to think and sort them out.The idea is that there is a self-centered person, then it is just different than everyone else's.By practicing these suggestions, saving the marriage you may be able to save marriage, try some new flavors.

Prayer To Help Save Marriage

It makes you feel that unconditional love from the dark road toward divorce, you'll need to understand that the big picture clearly.Disagreements can happen when you say or do something about it.Kindness can be achieved you just what Dr. Baucom goes beyond simple dodging a date while you hit the rocks requires a lot of sincerity, time, love and respect for the prime time.The following are some tips on saving your marriage.If you are, by your own emotions instead.

Be willing to uproot your life is just as unhappy to learn that this is to identify the root of what is needed in order to save your marriage and make decision on which you hated.I strongly believe that you are willing to work through them and appreciate him or her.Avoid a negative behavior is the fact that doing nothing about it all into a lifelong commitment concerning two persons in the towel, then you will have won some very effective in saving your marriage is in trouble, there is also important and fundamental relation in the way.No one can love your spouse to calm down first and foremost, make it work?If you have been infidel and you may want to divorce me!

[ba1bresearchblognarrativeessay]

Day 10 - 11th of February 2020 - Points to Mention and Research

For today, I thought I would important to bullet point some of the points that I may or plan to talk about in the essay as well as being main points of interest to how ‘Kung Fu Panda’ follows the Hero’s Journey in response to the essay question

Points off the top of my head that I would like to mention or express further:

How the Hero’s Journey isn’t stuck with Po as it looks at Shifu’s character as well

The stages of the Hero’s Journey, for the most part, stay true to the structure but I would say midway through the film, it becomes a lot more jumbled up to follow if you were to breakdown the film throughout the template by Christopher Volgar

Whilst it is a good look at Po’s perspective on the Hero’s Journey for the first film. I feel the trilogy shows a much larger change in Po’s character and a better showcase of the Hero’s Journey to me as the first film whilst still looking at Po’s character, it’s really a story about Shifu’s comfortability and finding true peace

The archetypes in the film overlap depending on both Po and Shifu’s perspective - Dumpling Scene and Two mentors in the story

From these points, I felt that I might do some research that was more specific towards the actual film rather than broadly researching the Hero’s Journey as a concept. I started off by looking at other people's interpretations of the Hero’s Journey on Kung Fu Panda and how not only different that some people found it but also seeing which point s I agreed with as well as disagree. For the first couple of analysis I looked at, I felt some of their points were a bit off to me as they placed certain points of the film into both later and earlier stages of the film like how one analysis placed the last three stages for the last scene in the film. Whilst I might not agree with this, I did actually like how the first couple of stages where pinpointed much later on in the story as I could definitely see how the Hero’s Journey template works for the film. But personally, I still think it doesn't quite work with the different interpretations that I looked at as they all give really good ideas to how the film’s structure following the Hero’s Journey template, however, they definitely clashed from which character belong to which archetype as well as the mid and ending stage being different from each other. 

I feel from these different interpretations that I looked like that it’s hard to identify the proper Hero’s Journey template compared to other animated films such as Up. This is because the film has a very noticeable structure throughout the course of the film as the events that take place fit much better in the template compared to Kung Fu Panda. This is why in my eyes it's an unconventional structure to me as well as not following the Hero’s Journey template accordingly despite coming across as a perfect fit for the template being a chosen one story. 

Also in addition to unconventional structure, the character Shifu is definitely something I would want to talk about in the essay in relation to the Hero’s Journey as it adds towards being an unconventional chosen one story that sort of goes against Volgar’s template. Whilst many believe that the story follows a simple chosen one structure, I think its a more than than that as the film likes to cut between Po and Shifu’s perspectives in the film constantly. 

In a way, it’s more Shifu battling his own demons throughout the course of the film in a retrospective for the first film with Po spliced in. This is why I think the first film not only focuses on Po but also Shifu just as much and to an extent, maybe be the main focus of the film as I strongly believe that the trilogy is a better grasp of Po’s story. If we were just solely looking at the first film, it looks at creating the bond between Po and Shifu in the first film as both characters want to prove they are worthy as Po wants to learn Kung Fu no matter what and Shifu wants to become the greatest teacher that China has seen as well as preventing Tai Lung from wreaking havoc. 

Other than other people’s analysis of the film for Hero’s Journey, I also watched the film again to recap some moments of the 12 stages and re-familiarise myself before it came to writing the essay. Below are some notes I took:

Overall whilst I didn’t do too much research on the specific film, I still feel like I’ve got a good grasp for what I need to do for the essay question as it isn’t too much on the core meaning of the film rather the structure of the film is what needs to be focused on. That’s not to say that the research I’ve done isn’t good as it was a good way to express my ideas before applying them to the final document as well as comparing my own ideas with other peoples. 

[monkeytherian-blog]

I’ve been meaning to make this post for a while now just to get some thoughts on the subject organized, but the long story short is that I’m gradually coming to the conclusion that I’m most likely something more like canine-hearted (if that’s actually the right term, or even a helpful term, for describing my experience) rather than being a canine cladotherian.

Maybe I’m just overthinking this all, and I’ll eventually realize that I was wrong... about being wrong(?) But for now, I honestly feel that this needs to be said and that I’m on the right track here and taking steps in the right direction toward understanding more about myself. I’m going to put this under a read more because it’s going to be a lot of me just rambling about my own stuff, but it’s here.

So, I guess the thing that originally made me start really thinking about this was reading a specific personal essay about the author’s experience of animal-heartedness. Of course, I had already been familiar with other-heartedness as a concept long before this, knew the definition, knew what set it apart from therianthropy, knew what made it similar to therianthropy, etc.

But reading the essay made me realize... all of my knowledge on the subject was basically clinical. It was terms, definitions, boundaries. I had no knowledge of the personal, emotional, or intimate. For anyone wondering what it’s like to be a therian, I and many others can immediately link to many personal essays and even collections of essays describing the experiences. How many of us can easily say the same for what it’s like to be animal-hearted?

Sure, there are resources out there for that, too, but not nearly as many, and not nearly as readily-available. So once I read this first essay, I was immediately taken aback by how much it just... really resonated with me, and I had to do a bit of digging to find more accounts of animal-heartedness that went beyond simply defining the phenomenon in an impersonal, textbook manner, but with each new writing that I came across, the more strongly I began to feel that this could apply to me.

Before this, I had pretty much taken for granted that my experience of being (or so I thought) a canine cladotherian was going to be in some ways different from being a monkey therian or elf fictionkind, given the inherent difference of an entire taxonomic family vs. a single specific species of animal or fictional race. While I still do believe that that distinction alone may have very likely accounted for some of the difference, I now think that a big part of what was really going on, and what I couldn’t see before, is that I am actually more accurately canine-hearted, so it’s the difference of identity with canines, and as a monkey and elf.

As for what specifically leads me to this conclusion, the first and probably most obvious thing is that many people who are other-hearted will say that they feel a very strong fondness for, and bond with, their heart-type. I had previously passed it off as mere coincidence that canines have always been some of my favorite animals, and I have always seen myself in them. On the other hand, I would never have thought of primates as animals that I liked all too much, and I’ve always considered elves to be one of the more uninspired fantasy races; I realize that this alone doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but when taken with all of the other evidence I’m discussing here, I think it’s at least worth mentioning. I also was careful to try to separate my liking for canines from my other canine-like experiences when I very first was exploring the idea of being a canine therian, but in the end, I had determined that there was more going on with my identity than just... really liking dogs--and I was right that it was something more, but it turns out, just not exactly right about what that “something more” was.

I knew that, even if my love for canines did not exist, there were still the canine-like mental and phantom shifts that are among some of the first shifts I’ve ever had. They go back for as long as I can remember and have stayed with me throughout my life. Of course, even though shifting is often taken as evidence that someone may be a therian, “shifting does not a therian make.” It’s certainly less common to get shifts of heart-types, which is I think part of what led me to believe that this was a theriotype and not a heart-type, but I now realize that the uniqueness of my canine shifts compared to other shifts may be an example of how therians may experience shifts differently from those who are animal-hearted.

First, the canine-like shifts, although they’ve been with me the longest, were almost always weaker and not as long lasting as other shifts. They were vaguer and less well-defined. I mistakenly thought that this was simply because I was a canine cladotherian, that it might be because I wasn’t just any one specific species of canine, that I couldn’t pinpoint just one specific set of features, and I might at times even be having a kind of mixed shift of many different canine species at once. I now believe that, upon closer reexamination in the context of what I’ve learned about animal-heartedness, this is more likely because of the subtle difference in a shift that comes on as a result of my strong affinity for and identity with canines, vs. my more inherent identity as my other kintypes.

In addition to the differing strengths of my shifts, there is also a disparity in the cause and types of my shifts. I notice that canine shifts, while some are random, are more likely than other shifts to be triggered by external stimuli--being in a certain setting or seeing or thinking about canines, for example. A monkey or elven shift might be triggered by the same things, but they are also more often caused by emotional factors as well, or simply occurring for no reason at all.

While canine shifts were almost always mental or phantom, with the exception of a few lucid dream shifts way back in the day, I still do have dream shifts for my other kintypes. These occur even now that I very rarely, if ever, have lucid dreams anymore, and they’re notably more vivid and seemingly more meaningful or informative as well.

Something else that really resonated with me is that writings on other-heartedness often expressed the frustration of feeling as if you should be, or almost are your heart-type, but you still distinctly are not that thing. Looking back on some of my previous writings and journals on my experience of canine-ness, I now see that this has been a common theme for me as well, in a way; I had thought that I was so frustrated with not being physically a canine, as I am, of course, physically human, but I’m beginning to think that it may be more than that after all, that I am also just not quite a canine in identity, either--that I do undeniably identify with canines, but perhaps not quite to the point of identifying completely as a canine.

This also serves as a testament to my previous arrogance. It was all too easy for me to believe that just because I knew so well the difference in definition between therianthropy and other-heartedness, that surely I would be able to tell the difference in experience. I only now realize that I could not have been more mistaken, that academic knowledge is not always enough and cannot always provide the intimate understanding that more personal knowledge can... That the line between identifying with and identifying as really is so fine, and not always as clear-cut as it looks on paper or may seem to be in abstract thought or theory.

And so, to return to the topic of dream shifting for a moment, I’ve taken this in combination with meditation and soul-searching to supplement my developing spirituality. In the beginning, I considered myself to be a purely psychological therian. With my other awakenings, I’ve become increasingly more and more spiritual in addition to my previous psychological and neurological-based beliefs. I think that, to put it plainly, I just never really personally believed in past lives or souls or similar because, of course I wasn’t really experiencing that when, as I see it, my canine-heartedness as a result of my deep and long-lasting affinity and identity with canines is an (almost...?) purely psychological phenomenon. My other kintypes, in contrast, I believe are instead spiritual in origin with some psychological factors still mixed in, which has allowed me to have this sort of “spiritual awakening” as time went on.

There’s definitely more that I wanted to touch on, but I believe that’s at least the gist of it, so for now, I’ll just wrap this up with this last point as some food for thought: I’ve also been entertaining the idea that my canine-heartedness may actually be a subconscious “side-effect” of sorts of my fictotype. In the Dragon Age series, the Shapeshifter mage specialization is more or less something like the shapeshifting magic that I believe I practiced as an elf, probably the most relevant difference here being that, rather than transforming into a variety of different animal forms in battle, it was more common practice for a mage to work with only one, or a few closely related, animal forms. And you can tell where I’m going with this... As the Dalish have a rich history with wolf companions (and even werewolves), I worked primarily with wolves and eventually adapted to other forms of canines as well with my magic. I feel that I had previously been almost definitely too quick to write it off as a simple coincidence that I was a canine therian who had also taken a canine form in another life as well, and I think now that it might not actually be all too out of line to say that this may have a thing or two to do with why I’m so naturally drawn to canines in this life, and why I see myself so much in them while still being able to fixate on the fact that I am just... not a canine after all, even if the form might feel so comfortable and familiar to me at the same time.

[crimsonrevolt]

Congratulations Sass you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Rabastan Lestrange!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

Your para sample absolutely drew us in -- with your references to Wizarding Mythology, to your exploration of Rabastan in two entirely distinct scenarios. We got a sense of his cruelty and of his ambition. Of his dedication to his family and his brother, but also of his need to constantly better himself in order to feel like he isn’t living in a shadow. We’re really excited to see him in the roleplay and can’t wait to see what you do with him!

application beneath the cut

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION  Hey, I’m Sass, I’m 23 years old and I’m from the GMT + 1 timezone! Specifically ol’ Germany.

ACTIVITY

Honestly I’m currently at a 8 / 10.  I’ve just finished school and even though there might be a few things coming up in the future, I’m usually here. 

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

Through Cassie. Also I have been here since forever a.k.a since it opened.

HOW ARE YOU?

I feel fine, just a little bit down lately, but, knowing myself, I’ll probably feel much better in a few weeks. I just hope my current living arrangements and life will soon turn into something great, that’s just my only worry right now.

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?:

Probably George Weasley since I’m also a twin and are the more logical of the two of us.

TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF:

I’m a Taurus, I love ice cream and the Tudors Dynasty ( it’s interesting, but I certainly do not condone Henry VIIIs mass murders and wars. My poor, sweet Anne Boleyn ). 

ANYTHING ELSE?

Nothing at all ♥

IN CHARACTER

♔ DESIRED CHARACTER 

Rabastan Theron Lestrange

Rabastan:  the name Rabastan may be a play on Rastaban, the traditional name of one of the stars of the constellation Draco. It is derived from an Arabic phrase “Rās al-Thu`bān (رأس الثعبان)” meaning “head of the serpent”; the snake is a symbol strongly connected with Lord Voldemort and Slytherin. The star is also known as Alwaid, meaning “who is to be destroyed” in Arabic.

Theron: Derived from Greek θηραω (therao) meaning “to hunt”.

Lestrange:  Derived from old French estrange “foreign”.

♔ FACE CLAIM

Matthew (Daddy) Daddario  

♔ REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER Rabastan might just be that one Death Eater who lurks in the shadows, but gets shit done. He has his very own agenda of proving everyone wrong about himself. He’s not ‘useless’, ‘humorless’ or simply ‘powerless’ – he’s talented and ambitious, charming and therefore dangerous. His good looks and charm are what makes him so dangerous at first glance, but there’s actual power hidden behind his grin, behind his blue eyes, which might look innocent at first, but behind those blue eyes hides a devil, ready to fight for the right cause. He has lived in the shadows for so long, that he has adapted the best parts of his disadvantage and turned them into advantages. Besides, there’s something so fascinating about a ‘silent devil’, who actually has fire running through his veins, who lashes out  if he has to? Who could buy you the world in exchange for power, information or even your services? That’s what I imagine Rabastan to be – a laid back, charming asshole who seems to be weak, but is in fact a great social player and powerful wizard.

♔ PREFERRED SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS

Rabastan’s pansexual, He likes whatever gets the job done and isn’t as clingy as he wants them to be. 

I ship Rabastan x Chemistry.

Also there are no anti-ships except maybe Rabastan x No-Chemistry.

♔ CREATE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER: Here’s my pinterest board for him Here’s a playlist

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

The following section should be looked at like a survey for your character. Answer them in character and feel free to use gifs. Or, if you’d rather, answer them in third person or OOC without gifs. Answers do not have to be extremely lengthy.

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

“I would definitely create a charm, which forces my opponent to say everything I want them to. They would have to say everything I want them to – it’s the verbal version of the Imperius curse.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“A portkey and a bait,  probably someone like Minerva McGonagall”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

“Those regarding my brother. I’m always torn between admiration and envy, hatred and love. So everything that involves him usually takes me hours and days to decide on.”

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

“That I’m weak, even after they’ve been defeated by me already.”

WRITING SAMPLE

His hand tightly embraced his wand as he moved closer towards the darkness. While most were nervous at their first Death Eater meeting, Rabastan already had family among them – and so he felt at home straight away. Not amused by the darkness surrounding him, Rabastan entered the meeting with his head held high, proud as he were. “Rabastan Lestrange,” he stated, revealing his Dark Mark and using his wand to illuminate the dark lines. His mask turned into smoke, so that everyone could look into his eyes, see who he really was – at least the impression of who he should be. The truth looked completely different, but he rather looked weak for now than be seen as a threat to all those who were already established Death Eaters in the eyes of the Dark Lord. “Welcome, welcome,” the Dark Lord’s voice sounded nothing like he’d guessed. He looked tired, but still exactly what he’d guessed. Well, at least his imagination didn’t trick him. Pale faced, red eyed, dangerous-looking and awfully slender – The Dark Lord definitely looked like a serpent. Immediately, Rabastan respected the man in front of him and proudly brushed his fingers over his Dark Mark, a sign of obedience and power. “I will remain at your service, always and forever. I will fight until my last breath. I, Rabastan Lestrange, promise solemnly to be your loyal servant and Death Eater,” he’d gotten on his knee, but his eyes were fixed on Rodolphus for most of the time. Although Rodolphus didn’t make one sound and didn’t look surprised nor in any way disgusted, Rabastan knew he wasn’t exactly making the right impression. They fought, of course, that’s what brothers do, but Rabastan highly valued his brother’s expertise, which is why, even though Rodolphus’ facial expression didn’t reveal much, he stood up and let the Dark Lord touch his Dark Mark, which glowed underneath his touch, revealing a snake, which slithered over his skin. “Now, step aside,” Rabastan cleared his throat slightly and took one step towards the side, waiting for the Dark Lord to pass, only to move as well. He sat down next to his brother and felt a sting on his skin as she snake had found its place on his skin. 

THE NEXT DAY

With fog embracing him as he walked trough the woods, Rabastan dragged a Muggleborn wizard with him, his slightly lengthy hair tightly pulled together by his left hand.l Her screams were quickly silenced. Sometimes even he couldn’t stand constant screaming, especially in the woods, where every scream echoed and alarmed all creatures around him. “Rumor has it there are Sirens in there,” Rabastan stated as he arrived at a lake. One glance to his brother revealed the obvious: this wasn’t just an ordinary mission, but a challenge, a trial. “Go on,” – and he did. The Imperius curse allowed him to completely guide the wizard towards the sea, Rabastan’s heart beat in a steady rhythm, even as the wizard arrived at the sea, slowly walking towards his end. Some must’ve been nervous at that point, especially now after he saw first glances of fishtails and heard a soothing melody – they swam towards him with no other intention that to feed on him, lure him closer into their trap. As they wrapped their arms around Rabastan and Rodolphus’ bait, Rabastan immediately cast a spell and tied ropes around their necks, pulling them towards the lake. Two out of five. “You’ll be of great use to us, Siren,” Rabastan murmured, leaning closer to one of them. Well, all rumors were actually true – their beauty excelled those of witches, by far. Such a pity, but nothing which would actually stop Rabastan in fulfilling his duties. The other wizard? Gone – already torn to pieces by other sirens while he drowned. Yes, he felt immortal – to have power over such a fragile, yet deadly creature, to be of use, to prove himself – and he’d prove himself over and over again.

[odbele]

Translation from Swedish to English

“The stratigraphic signals were already there; the isotopes, plastic, techno physics, the cars, the broken bullets from all too many wars. The signals are a contemporary biproduct of a time when human beings placed themselves above the earth and took its stability for granted.” These are the words found on the last page of idea and environmental historian Sverker Sörlin resently published book “Antropocen – en essä om människans tidsålder ” (Antropocene – an essay on the age of human kind)

And today we will be discussing the concept of Anthropocene, usually described as the new geological age, defined by the footprints left on earth by man.

The guests are idea and environmental historian and author Sverker Sörlin, Helena Granstrøm another author with background in physics and mathematics, and Gøran Greider author. Welcome, my name is Peter Sandberg.

Peter Sandberg: So, this concept of Anthropocene – the age of mankind, was introduced already in the early 80ths, though the breakthrough in popularity first occurred at the edge of the 21th century, as a replacement of Holocene – the postglacial age heralded by the end of our last ice age 11000 years ago. Sverker, Anthropocene “the age of mankind”, why has this term reached a public interest, now, in our age/time?

Sverker Sörlin: Well, Anthropocene replaces Holocene and that is still an ongoing discussion if we are really going to take this step and officially establish a new era. It is a relevant question for geologists and in particular stratigraphicologists, a sub-group of geologists, and for up to them to decide, though the discussion today is evolving. And I think it is evolving and reaching out to different fields of professions because the concept sums up the human experiences throughout the last decades, as well as our last century. That humans have, negatively speaking, effected the climate and made footprints. Suddenly it is as if this footprint has been given a word, a concept. While doing so you catch something, and this something has spread wildly. The word brings life to images and thoughts considering this, though it also brings up the controversy and posing questions like “Who is actually responsible for this coherent footprint? Are we all contributors, and if so, have we contributed equally?” How are we supposed to view this? Suddenly you enter a field of incalculable questions that evolves from this concept. Normally, the enclosed debates within the field of geology is not a relevant topic for the public, as artists and other scientists and politicians and such, but here, it is not the case. One could also claim that there is some political touch to “Anthropocene”, which I think is important in this situation.

Gøran: Yes.

Peter Sandberg: Well, Helena, Gøran, what do you think? Anthopocene a new geological era defined by our footprints. Do we need a word, a concept, like this? Helena Granstrøm: Yes, considering the fact that this concept gestalts the irreversible traces we leave on this planet we need it, though I have got several issues with the concept, partly because of what you just pointed out, Sverker. Your book is altered on the premise that you identify with this humanity, even though you may not be amongst those who has contributed to the largest footprints. Still, you feel like you are a part of this humanity, thus you take responsibility for these actions. You personally don’t behold the power of the industrial civilization, but you identify with this power. I am imagining a situation where Latin American natives are evacuating their village to make room for a new dam, and that they might feel differently reading your words. To suggest that this is the age of humanity… (Pauses) Rather than the term being clearly political, it tends to apolitize what we are dealing with here. It is a specific human culture that produces this type of footprints, and so to suggest that it is “humanity” is to imply that it is “simply natural”, in which I strongly disagree.

Gøran: Mm.

Peter Sandberg: Hmm, well Gøran, it seems like you have been waiting for such a term to come along?

Gøran: Well, I have dealt with it by writing MOTSKILLIG years, actually. I think we possess a general need for words and terms to identify timeframes. I think it would be better if the geologists would loosen up on their iron fist regarding this discussion and for it to instead be viewed in a different light. Even if, still, it is important to remember that this is currently a term being used by academics and some artists. There has not been a viral thing or such, though I agree with you Helena; I often think in such terms myself, when we have a look at “Antropocene – the age of the human kind”, of course it “DØLJER” different systems, different mindsets, different values, different – Europe for instance, look at what we have done to the rest of the world, the debate is easily DØJED as a term, but it does not stop me from growing a fond of this concept, because I believe we need some kind of grandiose framing of time that evolves into the discussions we are having now. So, summing up, I believe it causes more good than harm.

Peter Sandberg: Well, I think the term, Anthropocene, that is, the obvious geological impact we have had on earth, but there is also some kind of existential question imbedded in this. That is to speak, our perspective on the world, human being, our culture and politics. It extremely wide and a bit like a duality as well.

 Sverker Sörlin: What Helena brings to the table here is a very central part of the discussion surrounding “Antropocene”. And I have written several articles about this subject, in particular this, collectivization by force, so to speak, of all human kind, like canalizing it into this “antropos”, this figure producing footprints. I have found these kind of discussions constructive because they have shown us to spot the differences. But even those who are losing their minds right now because other parts of humanity are taking too much space and are overexploiting, resulting in the consequences we face in Antarctica or other parts of the world, is to some extent already imprinted in the same discussion. After all they are a part of the same human kind. One cannot say that the collective mind of man does not exist. It does indeed exist. And this I tell you: one of the useful aspects the term catalyzes is a forced discussion about what “humanity” really is, how we define it and what is embedded in that term. Who is a part of it and, well, everyone is a part of it given a premise, but like how and where you belong, in which I think there have been great variations in the FURFLUTNA , to which I hope we take a distance. One of the chapters I have chosen here is “Who does what to whom”. There are no innocent actions that has made our planet into this all absorbing all swallowing thing, but that time is over the earth cannot sustain it all, and then the critical question of who is responsible arises.  

 Peter Sandberg: But it is hard to accuse the whole world or pinpoint a few that could be held accountable in overexploiting the recourses, I mean, we are clearly guilty in several different ways. Anthropocene is really all about “man” then, generally speaking? Gøran: Yes, well, I guess speaking of the term, what has happened is that it is mirroring the states you are referring to, the planetarian. Even those of the 4th world that are driven away now knows that there is a world we should relate to in some way or another. Even the worst climatedeniers has got some clue that we have got a planet though they are refusing to believe scientifical reports etc. But there is something here that is about a planetarian mindset -

8:42 A global mindset? Gøran: Yes, I suppose you could call it that, well, you write so lovely about it in you book, pictures of the earth arising, the Apollo voyages, when we for the first time in history experience a picture of our planet from outer space, like “That’s us, right there, on that tiny spot”. Like, we are all here, even if we are divided into different social classes or colonial submitted, and I think it is an important issue considering the term “Anthropocene”, because the global is brought to conscious.  

 Helena Granstrøm: Humanity existed a long time before this deep, destructive culture was born, and this is what I think tends and disappears in this term. Also, I think it is partly symptomatically given: if you look at it as some sort of replacement for environmental terms, it’s like destroying. The environment, the way you write about it, is this abstract something “out there”, being polluted by humans. To me, this is probably one of the most interesting aspects about this term, right, the geological perspective is very large, it speaks about billions of years, it is not concerned about destroying but rather transformation. And to me, this comes across as preposterous, like the way we exterminate species, we pollute the oceans, we are drill the mountains to pieces, though we do not call it destroying, we call it transformation. If it was the products of mankind was leveled with the ground, we would all agree that its about terminating. You bring up the term “infra politics”, right, so not the everyday politics found in papers and regular news, but some kind of underlying structure supporting the contemporary political debate, and this is, I guess, is where we find the central “infra political” question regarding the term “Anthropocene”. Like, it’s a highlighting human activity and a systematical disparagement of everything that is not a direct consequence of human actions.  

Peter Sandberg: So, infra politics. Infra descends from sound, no, like the sound you are unable to hear though you feel it in your bones, like some underlying vibrations beneath the politics, ideologies, structural systems ect. Like when you feel the urge to act but maybe cannot articulate it properly. Have I got it right?

 Yes, one could argue you do, haha, I invented that term myself, actually. It’s purposing a combo of compability and incompatibility, - like politics for instance, demands articulation, on the contrary, infra politics functions on several different levels at the same time. This is dealing with us as sensible creatures in a more sensible way than we can address. And from there on the vibrations tends in various directions. Some might be offended by the violence of nature in this, like Helena mentioned, but others have got a different version of infra politics and therefore addresses this indifferently - more spontaneously inclined a highlight of the products manufactured by human kind and from there on inclining towards transformation rather than termination. And I think it is important to accept/recognize/realize this as a perspective of value. To be able to see that. To try to increase linguistic availability to be able to look at it from counter holds, which I find political.

 Helena Granstrøm: There are some central cultural myths concerning Anthropocene, suggesting that the term is referring to the tale of human intrinsic urge for destruction. Like “it’s natural to exploit the surroundings” that is one of the cultural explanations, that I party find implied here. The second is all about “man being created in Gods image”, that there exists a virtue in administrating, which could also maintain the act of destroying, though in a sense, to continue the work on this “creation” and doing so by placing ourselves above it. And this you write on as well. What do you think, Gøran? So infra politics, unspoken politics sort of,

Yeah, well, I must admit I have grown quite a fond of this term. When I am alone I usually occupy myself with politics, like everyday politics. What I find utterly annoying is that the so critical dissidence related questions never are found to be present. Whereas in opposition this term really hits something in people. It moves them. I have even overheard directors of paper industry on vacation chatting “We need to reduce the consumption level in society” and then they go back to work, causing the straight opposite effect. There is something happening inside every human being, we feel something, something global. And this is also some of what is implied in the term (read: Anthropocene), opposed to what is presented in our everyday politics.

Helena: Well, isn’t it all because of narrowmindedness, causing us to continue believing in this “tale of progress”? Because if you don’t believe in it you cannot – then you cannot do shit.

There are several environmental activists, parts of the environmental movement, that has joined the eco-modernistic idea that postulates that they are equally narrow minded as everyone else considering FRaAMSTEGSBERETTELSEN . like “more technology is a necessity, we need new and more and better technology” like that kind of ecomodernism -  and then you might be trapped in a specific infra political understanding.

 Peter: Though, could someone spot something regarding our position? Sverker, in your book you write… Ok, so, as late as in 1930 Nobel prize winner in physics Robert Millican proclaimed that nothing can affect something as huge as our planet. So, you wright about this kind of longing for trust. It is like a scaling has disappeared.

 Svaerker: Yes, precisely, like you mention Helena, this administrational thought has increased in popularity, especially in eco modernistic groups that “we should protect and sustain this planet” can come across as an attractive alternative considering what sort of actions we are capable of going through with today minimizing the impact we have on this planet. “We can protect everything”. And I think this is an important argue, and of course you cannot deny the that there is something latent in this, we have to take responsibility for each other, but to take on the responsibility of everything, like, we are responsible for the growth, we are responsible for the sea level rising, we are responsible for - . Heaven on earth. It has to stop somewhere. There is a limit of what we can take here, I guess. And I also believe that this term, Anthropocene, that we approach this in a very confronting way, like we look in the mirror and what we see is this reflection of what we are or what we are pretending to be. A totalitarian creature that can do everything. Here, my infra political impulse is to stand up and actively say “Hell no, I don’t want to be a part of this, I want to stay small, I don’t want to be framed into these large concepts”

Gøran: I think this is a part of the phase-wise Anthropocene, that wherever we go throughout our lives we only encounter the technosphere. Like, going hiking you are basically moving inside a green industrial hall, you can witness the mechanics, and then you continue into thick forests, constructed on site by man. It is something artificial. You hardly find authenticity any more. We only encounter ourselves. That’s why you feel satisfied by the thought of “the wild nature” is reclaiming its territory.  Because it is something moving outside the technosphere.

   Helena:  Otherwise you move though a genuine forest that is in fact something in its own, something different, though you know that it may disappear by tomorrow. And it is something about the reliability in this big structure. Like "this is the mountain, it has always been here and it's going to stay here until infinity, this tree has been standing here since as long one can remember", though there is no such thing as consistency anymore related to the great outer structures. An interesting aspect you deal with in your book is that the world has shrieked, and that it is not only concerning high speed, efficient communication, it is concerning the reliable sphere, the sphere we hold our trust in. It is no longer trust in these great structures, it is not even the changing seasons,  it is almost nowhere to be found, it is merely reduced into what you can grasp with your hand and the few people you hold dearly in life.

 Sverker: There is an amazing poem written by Gøran Sommerby where he expresses envy for the romantical poets, like Kristel and so on, because whenever they were upset with the status of contemporary politics, they would have a walk in the wild to clear their minds. An untouched room where time stood still. This room has vanished. There no exits this type of room to rest. But this one could also interpret as a call to reevaluate our position.

 Peter: Though it is related to language as well, no? We read about this all the time, the technical and research terminology ect. I don’t know the position of nature poetics today, but it's like this fervent description of our planet and of ourselves and our position in universe. There might be a longing. You claim that there exits eco poetry.  

 Sverker: Yes, well in some ways you could call it that, or some kind of climate related poetry, recognized by its despair over the lack of space to recover/rest/recharge. Gøran: 18: 50 til Jag tycker meg senvis på forsjukning her? A few decades ago, we witnessed an explosive growth in the eco modernistic movement. It launched the mindset that could combine a broad society development with increased living standards and a cautious relation to the eco systems. The old version of "nature preservation" was considered extremely unpopular,  it was conservative and symbolic. With this Anthropocene discussion, the defense of "nature" has reappeared. Like the feeling that there is no rest, that we are savages obsessed with administrating and mending what is in reality a scale we cannot comprehend with. And then there arises a new type of longing back to - or at least – to something that is greater than us.

 Helena: Do you think that this upcoming insight at all can be expressed in political actions? I think it is interesting to have a look at how we execute these ideas and mindsets as political actions with our cultural mechanisms kept in mind. And the answer to this question is that we are extremely technooptimistic.

 Sverker: Yes, not only that, but a sort of speciesism/ species egocentric as well when you have a look at what our politicians do. Even all the climate party throughout Europe are eco modernists in some way, like, none of them claim we have to go back to a modest lifestyle, though all eco modernists, or not all, and in this sense I guess...When speaking about the "age of the human kind" an image instantly appears in your mind, an image of how selfish we are as a species. It's actually a point to it.

 Peter: You also describe various versions of what the "human" is, and you mention the "techosphere" the summation of all human activity, our buildings, roads, cables, construction sites ect. And then there is information that the techofossile diversity is exceeding the diversity of the earth and the summation of all the fossiles from earths development throughout time. It is absolutely overwhelming.

Gøran: Yes exactly, the total amount of impact we have had on earth that currently is manifested on a massive industrial scale. It is flourishing – take a random freighter, whether it is from China or another country,  it is cucked to the top of all this tiny stuff, and every day there are millions of new species being born sort of, in these commercial temples. And politically speaking there is an absurd diversity, in the future, one imagines the archeologists 10 000 years from now researching material from our time and our civilization, and that they will see our actions today as an enormous footprint. Like, our footprint as a species compared to the footprint of all of the billions other species that exists, and then one can say, well, in a short manner of time, the human kind surely went overrepresented, hehe.

 Peter: Now that is a creepy thought, hehe.

 Helena:  You also write that the fair amount of these products and inclusive the lifestock and other animals 20:15:   Is 100 000 times greater than the human, like total mass of the human kind.

 Sverker: Though is there not some sort of paradox to this? “The age of the human kind”, and at the same time biotechnics, robotics and artificial intelligence ect. It is almost like the age of the human kind/ humanity should be recognized as the time when the human is climbing down from its high horse and be replaced by... Like, we can replace almost all our organs, we can imagine that there will be a huge infratechnological leap that will give us automatical, driverless cars. There is a paradox that the age of the human kind culminates into a point of time when the human loses its unique position/role.

 Helena: To voluntarily give it up? Or.. Sverker: Yes, I suppose you could say so.

Peter: This is “Filosofiska rummet” were we are trying to address the resent term “Anthropocene – the age of the human kind/humanity”, and together with us today is ideahistorian Sverker Sørlin and auteurs Helena Granstrøm and Gøran Greider. So, it is about time as well, at high speed. Like, our glaciers are melting, deforestation, extinction of species and the geography is torn. Sverker, you write ”the understanding/vision of time that the west has lived under has been altered on the separation between the time of nature and the time of culture”. Time of culture has been fast the time of nature slow. Though now it it’s the strict opposite – the culture in falling behind the time of nature. It is hard to parry.

 Gøran: I think this is one of the fundamental shifts. Actually, I would like to say that this book in many ways is concerning a new perspective of the world that is arising. And when new perspectives on the world and versions of reality is arising, terms of movement, like time for intense…like nature is out there, stable and simply existing, and then suddenly stuff happens and it is not predictable anymore, that it is moving too fast. What we are facing now is an acceleration taking place all over the world at the same time, that is even spreading to what we used to call nature. Like, nature is becoming and almost nostalgic term even. And we still haven’t figured out yet how to control this new, high speed, because we have inflicted upon something that is uncontrollable. It is a bit ironic, no, speaking of control? Because we cannot control it, what man has kicked off is simply too fast. This is where we are right now. That is the mindset that is now arising, so new generations are going to perceive time in another way. And this defiantly affects the professional reflectors of time – the ideahistorians – are philosophizing about time, especially the recent decades.

 Peter: Yeah, I mean, it is almost as if culture and nature is merging, are we able to separate the two, and will we be in the future?

 You are asking too grand questions, hehe, though in some ways the answer would neither be yes or no, but the way one relates to time will change, of course.

 Peter: Yes, well, in your book you also discuss “modernism”. The science, the enlightenment, the nature continuingly providing us with recourses, materials ect. This is also some of what is changing, right? And also these processes in a political view. The already made decisions has been based on this logic, though it is no longer valid. Right, so the politics are also falling behind.

 Yeah, though we are also… I think you are quoting a Adorno, an old German philosopher, though he formulates it “over the perfect enlightened world are rays of catastrophe”. Modernity and the enlightenment, well it has been a tale of progress, though we spot in the horizon the total destruction of the biosphere. And this does something to the mindset of modernity. Right, so you wright that here lies loads of nostalgia in the term nature, and in terms like “the time of coal” and such, hehe. Though maybe not everyone sees this destruction, like why should we keep this old wall, is it really efficient or…speaking about eco systems I feel like, in the aftermath of the term “Anthropocene” there is a lot of…like the scientists are predicting that 50% or 2/3 of all species will be extinct by a hundred years, caused by the combination of climate change and human validation of territory/ radical disturbance of livelihoods. And the answer to this is to construct some kind of modern “Noahs Ark”. And then the question is “Well, what kind of species should we spare, which do we choose”. In some ways this is resolving our old thinking patterns, but in another sense they are amplified, even taken into extremes. That we with a certain obviousness take on this character as administrator of existence. Conspicuously, I think, in relation to this...

 And Noahs Ark occurred after the fall, right so…

 Noahs Ark is a non-option, hehe. One can say “Eco systems – we have to interfere to preserve them”. The coral reefs for instance, pale inspires – blekninger 27.12, several of our eco systems are under pressure. Like 60 or 70 present of our eco systems are under pressure. In the age of the human kind we have to act to secure and preserve our eco systems.

 Helena: But we have to preserve them, we do, and it is because we are not prepared to stop putting them under pressure, or what?

 Yes, I suppose you could stay that, but –

 Helena: It is not that complicated to reduce the pollution, for instance, to decrees the carbon dioxide you could stop driving a car there are many – speaking of infra politics – there are many sets of seeing the implied agreements, that we will never intend to actually adjust our lifestyles. (said ironically ->) It is not worth the hassle, after all.

 Yes, that is a returning issue. Eco modernists thinks that the solution is to continue believing in stronger technology ect. Though the real question is: To what extent do we have to reduce our construction?

 Helena: Though this we perceive as a cost. Then we have to sacrifice something. But to every day deplete, I don’t know how many, species per day…Most people don’t have an active relation to these concepts, because it does not have an impact on their everyday lives.

 Sverker: Yes, well, when I mention infra politics I mean, the lemur, the very last lemur existing.  I believe that there is something growing inside every human being, or most human beings, that there lies an authority…I suppose it is some kind of moralistic ontology of mine, that there is an authority within the human kind that is established into this lemur.

 Helena: Though does this authority manifest - Sverker: No! It does not, no. Helena: - into the cohesive practice? Because then -

 Sverker: No, though then you – and I would like to add a thing to this –

 Peter and Gøran laughts Sverker: - that makes me into some kind of reformist in this, hehe. And then I would really like to argue that one should think of “modernity” as the era of the hundreds of years we have endured. And almost all our surroundings has been constructed within that period of time, or perhaps not agriculture which is much older. For not to mention: we have laws, principals, rules, a moral perception determining right or wrong. All of these things has been created in a manner of centuries by people quite similar to ourselves. I imagine it as a necessity to come up with a different statutory framework the two or three hundred years to come. We simply have to find new principles and new structures and stuff for example an agreement that preserves the world as we know it today, we call it capitalism, confused with democracy. Though I don’t believe it can go on like this for much longer like this, it has to change, though it will not occur within the twenty or thirty years to come, it demands a long term transformation. And, I am going to be held completely accountable for what I am saying now, because I am dead by the time it will happen, but I think there is already much progress. Like, returning to a “progressive thinking” and a constructive and interesting perspective on having a rested nature. Or to have nature at all (or having one in the first place, I think) is a crucial thought, it is a totally different thought then what existed 130 years ago when the first nature preserving companies were created. It was in reality a complete conservative and symbolic nostalgia, pretty pointless really. Peter: Though what about the modernity that we cherish, it has provided us with so much welfare. We cling to it, right. A bit like peeing in your pants, really. (This is only me thinking:  No-no, modernity did not provide welfare – welfare was provided by the brave, thinking, bright, autonomous individuals and collectives in, various manners, questioning and acting upon the established structures of their time.) Sverker: Yes, absolutely! It is going to be a huge sacrifice. Look at the force the nostalgia in Trumps politics brings forward, - though I think it is doomed. Gøran: Yes, well this is no coincidence, and there is a survey suggesting that increased construction and welfare generates happiness to a certain level and then it begins to decrease. Like, the general living conditions in the late 60s is enough, most people realizes this as well. And that is a new feeling. And that is even a seed, an embryo to rethink the concept of never ending growth and increased standards. And this new. Never mind how it (read:Anthropocene?) will be defined in the law books, I think it is something worth believing in.

 Helena: Though it is not simply concerned about, like I think you have to have a larger perspective than reforming economical politics. No former political ideology has not mainly perceived nature and outer surroundings as potential resources, as something to exploit. It is necessary for something completely different to come up in that case.

Peter: Though the hope is based on a “technology optimism”. Like, one is supposed to…like, global warming is supposed to be reduced by new fuel, alternative energy resources ect, though this optimism, in its core, is a denial to make those radical decisions and to act on them. Sverker, you write in your book that technology shall be replaced by suffering.

 Sverker: Yes, well this is what the modernistic, the eco modernistic…

 Peter: Though no one will take on this suffering. Sverker: Yes, and it has been impossible up until now to suggest such a suffering in political terms. And if we have technology and access – and contrary I do not see technology as an enemy, I think there is plenty of good technology. Though the crucial part here is what is implied in this. That there exits a “blueprint” of what is our progress, “ways of how our happiness can spread and so on”, though I believe it provides a fake image even, and it is a project of ridiculous character to try transforming this superficial/fake image into a more representative image of what we are capable of doing while in a volatile state.

 Gøran: Though in these implied…I am very fascinated,  probably because of the Marxism in my spontaneous perspective on the world, though today under “Anthropocene”, Marxist idea historians are encouraging us to wright a story on our species. To get an objective tale on homo sapiens in our history books. Even if capitalism is to blame for the acceleration under and after the 2. World war, with increased constructing ect, perhaps there is an invasive feature to the human, to the species, homo sapiens. And this is because we possess the quite unique quality of collaboration. This quality is often expressed in positive ways considering the “welfare-state” though it also occurs to high extents in warfare. The attack on Iraq in 2013 was a shining example on a large scale, united collaboration, which has caused tremendous destruction and suffering. I find it interesting that even the Marxists suffering from biology horrors, under the “Anthropocene” considers this in biological terms. That there might be something in us, in our biology, in us as biological beings in the biosphere, that we need to acknowledge and seek to understand. Peter: Yes, exactly, I mean, we are the consumers, it is us that create the political ideologies it is us who have disturbed the balance here. Helena: Excuse me, but to an answer to what Gøran is saying here; it is important to keep in mind the cultures that has not contributed to exploitation of environment. Obviously, there is a potential for such a behavior to occur in the human spectrum, though there also lies a potential for completely other behaviors as well, which I think is important to remember.

Gøran: Yes, so do I think, - Helena: Because this drifts towards a merging of the human kind as a species and human kind as a specific sort of human culture. And I think it is important to separate those two terms.

Gøran: Yes, though we have to face duality in this, well…so nature, nature is such a problematic word these days, I almost feel like it is stuck in my mouth. We have to face the duality in our generic being here, where the goal of cooperation is expressed in that we create stabile societies that does not rely on exploitation of recourses. Though it can also shoot of like under the agricultural revolution or the industrial revolution so that it potentially destroys large amounts of the biosphere.  I am fascinated by the Marxist thinkers proclaiming these things to day and articulates a need for putting these thoughts on the agenda. We need to wright the story on the species , it is not enough with the history of society ect., we need to reflect upon ourselves. And I think this is something that has taken place in our time. Peter: Though that is the toughest issue right now, right?  “Anthropocene” - the age of the human kind, though what is…

 Sverker: A cure that is within reach, that is not as utopian as many of the other things we are discussing here, because to wright the history on the human kind/mankind is only possible by an increased access and distribution of intellectual energy – or know-how-. So, what the “species” has come up with is for example – let’s call them – biologists, scientist, experts or analysts, and they have executed high quality craftsmanship in describing certain characteristics to the being we have named “human”. Though all too few from society-research related fields, the human-ethical fields and the artistic fields, have engaged in this matter, it has partly been taboo. And I think what Dipesh Chakrabarty, Chicago historian that has written a lot on this topic, and others mean is not to make historians into biologists – but this is an urge to address and understand what these incredible tight-woven nexuses looked like. In prehistorical times where almost stripped from contact with the biological, now some sort of new interrogation is occurring to better understand our age and the previous ones. And in this case, I in some ways think that there will be more options in terms of how one perceives and thinks around the future. A positive aspect about the capitalism, is after all its receptiveness it has potential of never ending renewal and if one can upgrade what we used to call nature, or if we can upgrade the global, - it would be a part of the solution to increase the value of nature itself. Like, not only monetary though also the moral instances. Gøran: Though we are still stuck. If capitalism is to upgrade nature, it would still be within the frames of the market. With limited resources the cost will rise and so on, and that’s the infra structural. Helena: Though introspection is one of homo sapiens best qualities. The modern version of it at least. Is it not what is demanded as well? I would argue that as a culture, we do not recognize other subjectivities than the human subjectivity. When we act on it, we create this image of the world where we solely are the feeling and thinking beings, and if other beings should inherit the same qualities it is simply a mechanical behavior. Rather than to examine and review ourselves, we should seek to be more responsive to our living environment.

 Sverker: I think this also occurs in the Anthropocene discussion, it is so much going on considering animal studies. Like, an attempt to appreciate? innkännande the closer surroundings, comes across to me as a new and staggering project.

Gøran: Yes, it is new, and science on dogs for instance, or craws or livestock. Like, the line which separates the human being from other primates or animals is thinned out. Helena: Yes, this is interesting when reading about it, though what is consequences? How does it affect our lifestyles? Gøran: Yeah, well, this is in the matter of many thousand years. Helena: Though what does it make us into? It makes us into quite grotesque violators, should I say, if one really… Peter: Though I think… to pin-point what the human being is was an easy task up until a certain time. When it “exploded” sort of, after the enlightenment or the modernity or so, but since then everything has progressed so quickly – commercialism, atom bombs, plastic – in this case, haven’t we lost our prospects somewhere along the way under what we call “Anthropocene”? Gøran: I think that for every new child being born. Then the conscience is restored. Another word for infra politics would be, on an individual level, would be that consciousness. That the conscience is the opportunity to a moral instance that takes more than it can explain. Helena: Speaking of animals, I am thinking, not that you explicitly discuss it, though the image of the technological progress as unstoppable… Now we are discussing humanity and the different options and ways for humans to proceed to. If you go with that thought all the way, maybe we do not have that much of a choice. In some sense, we are relying on the technology system we have been deceived to create. What do you think around this? Do you see the dynamics that have been put into action as something we are able to influence without taking influence over? Sverker: I think that is a superb question, and the answer would be that “Anthropocene” is helpful, at least I have found it helpful in viewing this footprint as a historic product up until now. And that is a pretty strange image, to see this enormous power, though this is a distinct formulation concerning the future. I do not think that it is an irreversible development, “a priori” at least, I think it will be difficult to stop it, but, in principle, it is not unstoppable. It is responsive. And therefore, it is so important to relate it to politics, because it is only by political means one can head in a new direction. It is utterly necessary to do so. And I have, in several books, for instance “Naturkontraktet” from the 90s, expressed optimism regarding the possibilities, even if some literal traces may come across as frightening, and continue to do so, I am convinced that it is possible. And that it is important to keep holding on to that thought. And when I say, “infra politics” it is maybe because I find it important that things proceed inwards, like the organic that is hard to formulate, also considering the politics. Peter: I was thinking about something you mentioned earlier, about the smallness, that you miss former scale, when the earth was still grand. Now, the human being is grand. May the question be if man has grown to grand for its own good?

Yes, well. Peter: Because what are we to do, emission from New York and Europe is causing the Antarctica to melt, it is heating the water which affects the monsoons in India. It is so fragmented and difficult to make sense of, it is difficult to be political in that context… Gøran: We simply must exercise in being “small”. It is not of unimportance. Say you go and buy a flower tree, planting it at a nice spot where it gets the right amount of sun and shadow, and you have an active thought “this is the right spot, the tree will thrive”. Or if you have pets, like cats, dogs or sheep, the interaction with other types of consciousness, other subjectivities than yourself, becomes a practice in making yourself smaller. And I think that is a pretty important thing. People are opening their eyes and realizing this, which is providing hope.

 Peter: So, you think the man in the street will pick up on “Anthropocene” in a matter of time? The word is a bit difficult, it is a bit abstract. Sverker: I heard from someone that had read this word and believed it should be pronounced “Antropoken”, it sounds a bit more like, hehe, fighting the human being. Gøran: Well, is it not remarkable, sometimes you meet children that questions the killing of mosquitoes. That is something new I guess, because it is a harassment of other beings. (outro music) Peter: “Filisofiska rummet”, today we have been discussing the new term “Anthropocene – the age of the human being/humanity”. You heard Sverker Sørlin idea and environmental historian and author of the recent book “Antropocene – en essä om människans tidsålder”, Helena Granstrøm, author with background in physics and mathematics, and author Gøran Greider. Techniques were provided by Marie Person and the show was produced and hosted by me, my name is Peter Sandberg, good bye.