#I need dean being super blunt

[taydaq]

I'm putting this one under a cut because I never know what tumblr is going to do AND IT'S NOT EVEN CRAZY. Just a small two panel ambreigns comic with ONE F word and a hand going places... LOL.

If it gets flagged, I'll move it to AO3.

Tagging: @catboymansion, @jackforshort, and @sickfxckmox! Again, let me know if you don't want to be tagged! Or if you do, tell me- I need more ambreigns lovers!

[dyed-red]

phyn! happy wincest wednesday! I am thinking about how Sam and Dean are both not great at sharing their feelings. they're inconsistent and bottle everything up until they blow up at each other. do you have anything to share about FEELINGS and the ways the brothers are similar, and different, in how they handle theirs? not sure where I'm going with this but have at 'er

mmmmmmm feelings. they taste so good when they're all suppressed and thorny. this is all opinion and initial thoughts and a super long post but here we go:

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Similarities

Compartmentalization is the big one, to me. Although there are some differences in what and how they compartmentalize, both of them are masters at it. Dean is a bit more blunt about this, especially early on, although I'd argue the pendulum sort of swings at a certain point and we've got Sam with more boxes of unacknowledged shit he's placed in carefully organized rows down in the depths somewhere.

they're also both far more likely to use problem-focused coping, sam especially in the early seasons despite how he tries to get others to acknowledge their emotions. from seasons 1-4, at least, possibly including s5, sam's main (only?) coping skill is to Solve The Problem. this often looks like identifying the issue, researching it, finding a solution, committee 200% to that solution no matter how insane it might be, and putting that plan in motion.

(see: driving the impala into a derelict house in the pilot, the entire episode of Faith, the way he throws himself at finding dad and then at the yellow-eyed demon all to the detriment of saving others and his own life until dean pulls him back from whichever ledge it happens to be this week, the way he approaches the special kids stuff, then the entirety of season 3, and especially how this manifests in both mystery spot and the period we see in 'i know what you did last summer' when dean was dead, and it's part of what makes him so susceptible to ruby who promises solutions, and part of how he ends up rationalizing blood drinking and the kill lilith at all costs attitude)

and i put this under similarities because while dean is actually honestly genuinely better at emotion-focused coping than sam is in those early seasons, he is very solution-oriented in how he tries to approach feelings and emotional issues. this is most especially true for the big things as well: he wants to solve sam's grief in season 1 and he wants to do it by throwing him at women, he decides to solve sam's death by selling his own soul, he even attempts to (re)solve dad's orders to kill sam if needed by trying to convince sam that they should maybe give up hunting early in s2 (it's a weak and half-hearted attempt but worth noting).

and then of course there is just straight-up suppression. play through the pain, push it down and let it come out through bouts of alcoholism and violence, Do Not Talk About It even if you acknowledge its impact on you (sam and his grief over jess, both of them over john's death, dean eventually and his time in hell). this is different than compartmentalization in that it's there on the surface in a huge way and it's plain as day and you know it and acknowledge it but there's nothing you can do about it so you just sort of ignore it and refuse to sit with it or talk about it and just... continue existing with this wound bleeding inward or outward.

(see: getting angry and breaking things, being reckless or self-destructive and endangering self and others, etc. this is not a tactic that works. this is bottle up and explode.)

distractions is one i should mention here too, as one of their core (more healthy and adaptive) emotion-focused coping strategy, but i'm tempted to talk about it more under differences because they have really different distraction methods except for one. they both use fresh/new hunts to distract themselves from whatever it is that is causing them stress or pain.

Differences

continuing on the thread of distractions, dean uses media and escapism through narrative in a way sam simply Does Not. dean watches scooby-doo and horror movies and explicitly says he enjoys the escape and knowing that the bad guy is going to lose in the end. he references books and quotes them far more frequently than sam, everything from aesop to vonnegut, and we know that he loves music quite a bit, probably part of how he drowns out reality or escapes from it when he needs to.

in general, i think dean also dissociates more than sam does. this is integral in some of that 'dean as object' stuff. he separates himself from his physical body and steps behind it and away, so that what is happening to his body isn't happening to him, often when a monster or demon is threatening and implying some sexual violence.

conversely i think sam rationalizes and medicalizes a fair amount. he wants to understand and be able to explain (at least to himself) what his emotions are and what he's going through, because / as if the ability to understand and explain it provides a degree of power over it. sam craves control, and rationalizing affords illusory control over his emotions, allowing him to convince himself he has mastery over those feelings even when he's in fact very off the rails and being dragged around by his emotions like a dog on a leash.

this tends to mean that sam is up in his head explaining and re-explaining his own shit to himself until he's got a handle on it, and dean is out of his head escaping.

sam uses distractions as well, as i said with a new hunt, and with reading the lore. the lore thing is two-fold though -- it provides a sense of control over things again, illusory or real, because that knowledge can help in a pinch, even if it's not related to a current case. so he can kind of convince himself he's reading for work or for a present problem or that it will be helpful, even when he's using it as a distraction.

sam also somatizes more, i think, which is when your psychological stresses manifest in your physical body. we're dipping a little into headcanon territory here but i picture him as someone more prone to headaches and stomach aches than dean as a result of stress and anxiety (dean's stomach aches are earned through eating food he shouldn't have).

i connect this partly to sam's clean living/eating/exercising more as time goes on, although that is also about control. much like reading the lore 'just in case' and developing encyclopedic knowledge of things they may encounter no matter how far-fetched, eating well and exercising affords a small advantage against monsters.

exercising as a coping mechanism more general can also be a way to distract oneself and is a good emotion-focused coping mechanism when used to get restless energy out and improve one's mood. i think sam does use exercise adaptively and healthily like this and it's generally good for him, but yeah that it can and does tend toward obsessive control/coping sometimes.

something i think they do in different ways is also their problem- and emotion-focused approach to 'tend and befriend'. we can cope with our own shit sometimes by getting out of our own heads and focusing on others instead -- helping them with their problems or giving them stuff or just generally socially connecting with laughter and fun.

on this, sam likes to find a person experiencing a problem, get them to open up, provide empathy or offer words of support, and in so doing, stop focusing or worrying so much about his own shit. he does this with dean but also with victims on cases and gets more out of hearing about their issues and offering them advice/support than dean does. dean will engage in the practice too, but it doesn't emotionally feed him the way it does with sam, who processes his own emotions through empathizes with others, and dean does it out of necessity more than anything.

in contrast, dean likes to solve another person's problems for them (see: trying to throw sam at women) or distract himself by hearing about what is going on with others (see: asking cas to distract him when crowley and gadreel are co-possessing sam). solving their shit allows him to stop worrying about it or allows him space to process his stuff, potentially by hearing about theirs and having his own churn themselves along alongside the other person's, or in the meantime.

relatedly, dean also tends to mother hen others, and in so doing he uses caretaking as a means of coping with his own shit. this is part of dean's illusory control methods, because it affords him the sense that he's doing a job and if he does it right then things will be okay. he engages in caretaking by identifying and meeting the needs of others, and this is distinct from him trying to solve their problems only in how it tends to be more emotional, whether that's being 4 or 5 years old telling his mom things will be okay, as an adult pointing out bobby's drinking and later giving him whatever speeches he needs after he's become paralyzed from the waist down, and manifests in so many ways with john and with sam it's not worth counting.

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tl;dr

while both brothers use compartmentalization, suppression, helping others, and distractions at a broad level, at a more specific level, both sam and dean have very different emotion-focused coping mechanisms, and different ways their problem-focused coping manifests.

sam hits his head against a problem until it cracks open, and does so rigidly and to his own (and the planet's) detriment until he is forced to learn some more emotion-focused coping mechanisms after the cage. he is always seeking a sense of control so he reads lore, eats well, pushes his body, and rationalizes/medicalizes until he can gain a sense of control. some of this is adaptive. eventually he learns to sit with his emotions enough to process them as they arise and threaten to overwhelm or overtake him, which allows him to compartmentalize them more effectively as needed.

dean copes with a similar sense of helplessness by distracting himself from the issue through hunting and the job, and sometimes through narrative transportation and by taking care of others, all of which can be adaptive for the smaller issues or one-off hurts, but causes him a lot more pain with the big stuff like his betrayal over sam going to stanford or his emotions about his father (john's death and his treatment of dean and their messed up dynamic all included) or what hell wrought on him. when bigger hurts stack up, much like sam, he is eventually forced to learn more adaptive or flexible ways to navigate overwhelming feelings, which i tend to think involves sitting with them and acknowledging them and allowing himself to think about them, something i don't think he did when he was younger except when he lost control over his compartmentalizing, but that allows him to go over them and then set them aside better, when ready.

for both of them, when circumstances demand or emotions overwhelm, they will open up and talk out or acknowledge the emotion. this tends to manifest in distressed sadness from dean and in distressed anger from sam, when they're at their wits' end, with dean expressing shame but seldom guilt, and sam expressing guilt but seldom shame. exceptions include how dean expresses guilt over ways he's hurt sam or others and how sam expresses shame over actions taken related to victimized aspects of himself. at the end of the day though, they both get better and more adaptive and healthy as time goes on at sitting with their feelings instead of trying to control or ignore them.

[nymph1e]

Let’s Talk About Storytelling

Hi @ronon-dex​ thanks for your super polite reply to this post! I was initally going to respond in the post, but it sort of turned into this whole meta, so I thought I’d transfer it here.

You do realize that the hero's journey and narrative symmetry doesn't ACTUALLY end with the characters in the exact same place, right? It ends with them going back to "normal" but with things changed.

I'll give you a good example of the heroes journey and narrative symmetry: Frodo in lotr. He starts out living in hobbitton happy, but he wants to leave and see the world and go on an adventure. He does that, but spends most of his journey wanting to come home. Only when he returns home he is so irrevocably changed that he can't find happiness in his home anymore and needs to leave.

Another good example of storytelling from the lord of the rings: Aragorn starts out denying his family legacy, and hiding from his destiny as a ranger. His story arc is about learning to accept his destiny, and take responsibility to be king. In the end, he grows as a character and becomes king. Now would his story have been satisfying if he'd gone back to be a ranger?

Another example, this time of bad storytelling, is Jaime Lannister, specifically in the Game of Thrones TV show. He starts off completely devoted to Cercei, and it's shown to be an unhealthy relationship. His character arc is about branching out as a person and separating himself from his toxic relationship with his sister. In the end, he dies with his sister, the thing he'd been fighting against the entire show. This was widely regarded to be a poor ending for his character.

So why is Jaime’s ending bad, when Frodo’s is good? Well the difference here is chnage, and satisfaction of story arc.

The Frodo ending works because while Frodo is off on his journey, all he wants is to go home, and when he gets that, it's not something he can have anymore. There's change in that storyline, even if on the surface it seems like he's come full circle, things are DIFFERENT. The plot of the story had an effect. Is it a happy ending? No. It’s tragic, but it fits in with the themes of the story.

Jaime’s ending doesn’t fit because nothing changes, and it doesn’t make sense in the story. The mesage of his story wasn’t “nobody can change” it was “anyone can change”, then it was destroyed when he doesn’t. Jaime could have had a tragic ending that made narrative sence, but his ending did not.

So does Supernatural’s ending fit with the story of Supernatural? No. Sam and Dean aren’t the people they were when that was their ending, but they're shoved back into it like round pegs into square holes. Does it sort of fit? Sure. But poorly.

Sam's character arc throughout the show has been him learning not to deal in absolutes. He believes that he can either be a hunter and have Dean in his life, or have a family, but he learns that he can have both through Eileen. So for him to end up with the white picket fence, alone, without his connection to hunting and his brother is dissatisfying.

Dean's story arc was about him learning that he wasn't just "daddy's blunt instument". That he was his own person, had his own fate and could be happy. So to have him die young while hunting is dissatisfying.

Now aside from the characters' arcs being left in the dirt from the ending, you also have the overarching message of the show.

For multiple seasons the message of the show was about carving your own path making your own destiny. So how exactly does them deciding to go full circle make any sense? I suppose you could say that the overall message of the show is "you can't fight fate", except its explicitly not, considering they defeated literal God the episode before.

Finally, since most people seem to think our problem with the end is about destiel, let's make a more narratively satisfying conclusion without it, hm?

First of all, don't have Cas confess his love in episode 18. If you're not going to follow it up in any way, then you shouldn't bring it up in the first place.

Sam marries Eileen, and they have a kid or two. They don't stay in the bunker, but they stay close, maybe they move into Lebanon. They still hunt, because Sam finds satisfaction in it, but it's no longer the sole focus of their entire lives. He get’s a melding of the two worlds he always thought couldn’t meet.

Dean settles into the bunker, but starts taking online classes, maybe he starts working in the mechanic shop in town. Cas and Jack live with him, because even without romance they're still family. Dean hunts a lot less, but starts coordinating hunters from the bunker. On weekends, he visits Sam, Eileen and the kids. He does what he always wanted but never expected to do: grows old and happy, surrounded by family.

Now look me in the face and tell me that's less satisfying then "Dean dies in a random hunt, Sam gives up hunting and marries a faceless woman".

[isoldmysoultojonahclemence]

hello! I was wondering if u could make a summary of all the suitors' flaws n how Jonah would react to them

I would be more than happy to!

SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT

Ray: his main flaw is his willingness to trust others that are close to him. That doesn’t really sound like a flaw, but in Seth’s route, even though he knew that there was a spy, he still refused to believe that his one of his friends could’ve betrayed him. That’s super nice of him as a friend, but I feel like Jonah wouldn’t consider it as a good trait for a King.

Sirius: he has the physical inability to express his feelings properly. Like, in his own route, he barely ever said “I love you” to MC, and I feel like he’s trying really hard to fit into the “mature and stoic guy” category. Jonah kinda struggles with the same things (can’t talk about feelings + tries to be cool), but I don’t think he’d appreciate them in someone else. 

Luka: he’s unwilling to change his own perceptions. For example, in his own route, one of the big things he struggle with is feeling unimportant because ppl don’t need him. That’s not actually true, bc he’s the Jack of Spades now and an entire territory is depending on him, but he’s so stuck in his own idea of himself that he can’t even see it in another way until MC comes along. He also applies this to Jonah, and strongly believes that Jonah abandoned him when Jonah was training to become Queen. I don’t know if Jonah will understand why Luka acts likes this, but he’s always going to be sad when his beloved little brother detests him.

Fenrir: he’s way too obsessed with fights. Look, I know that his description is “a battle-crazy gun maniac” and he uses magically modified guns and he doesn’t mean any harm by liking to fight bc he’s a super active guy, it’s still kinda unsettling (also bc I can’t actually think of any other character flaws bc Fenrir is a good boi). Jonah would definitely find this behavior untasteful, especially since Fenrir also comes from a good family.

Seth: probably how manipulative he is. In his own route, his mission is to “seduce” MC into joining the Magic Tower (remind you of anyone else???), and he succeeds in making MC fall in love, like, 10 parts in. He also fell in love with MC along the way, but he lured her with his body XDD. Jonah probably disapproves of some of his methods, but he can’t complain too much because he kinda did the same thing.

Lancelot: he’s too self-sacrificing for his own good. I mean, when Amon became a threat, instead of telling everyone else about it, he chooses to shoulder the burden himself. I can understand that he’s trying to spare those that he cares about, but he should know that the others aren’t exactly weak and fragile. Jonah would be super frustrated by this (like in part 23 of his own route), and he’ll try to help his King in whatever way he can.

Edgar: his shadiness oof. Like, at first you think that he can be trusted, and then you think that he can’t, but in the end you find out you actually can. He’s like an inverted oreo: white on the outside, black on the inside, but actually still white deep down inside. Being the honest person he is, Jonah probably struggled with Edgar’s personality at first. But they’ve known each other since they were children so Jonah probably got used to it over time.

Zero: you know what? After mulling over this for ages, I can’t actually think of any of Zero’s flaws. He’s literally the goodest boi in Ikerev.  

Kyle: his insensitivity to others’ emotions. He cannot read the atmosphere most times and he’s also one of the most emotionally clumsy people in the game (afsdfdf he’s adorable). However, Jonah is the type of person who needs to be handled with care, since he’s not the most emotionally able person ever. It would’ve definitely rubbed Jonah the wrong way at first, but just like how it was with Edgar, Jonah probably got used to it over time.

Harr: his unfrienliness probably. He’s literally the nicest person once you get to know him, but the emphasis is on once you get to know him. Unfortunately, not a lot of people have that privilege, and this is even before he became the infamous Joker. He’s just naturally introverted and aloof. Actually, pre-Joker!Harr reminded me of Jonah, because they’re equally tsundere and bad with expressing their feelings. Apparently Harr and Jonah didn’t get along great tho, so maybe Jonah doesn’t like to see his own personality reflected in others.

Loki: he’s a bit too clingy and has a tiny bit of yandere-ish tendencies (though I wouldn’t consider him as a yandere). Jonah would understand the clinginess to those he cares about (he’s the cling of hearts for a reason guys), and he could probably understand Loki’s desire to hold on tightly to people that are important to him.

Blanc: he’s a jerk because he’s only giving us glimpses of his backstory without any clarification and it makes me want to tear my hair out. Jonah is gonna march up to Cybird HQ and demand a route for Blanc.

Oliver: in Ikerev TW, one of his descriptions was “毒舌” and it literally means “poisonous tongue,” which describes Oliver pretty well. I get that some people are pretty attracted by his quick wit, but generally speaking, insulting someone every other sentence isn’t exactly a good habit to have. But like, just imagine Oliver and Jonah getting into an argument. Idek who’s gonna win.

NOTE: I don't really know that much about the next three suitors (Mousse, Dean, and Dalim), so I'll have to make my best guess about their flaws. If their route comes out (goodness knows when that'll be), I'll come back and see if I've got anything wrong!

Mousse: definitely his sleepiness and tendency to fall asleep in places other than his bedroom. I totally understand the desire to sleep all day every day, but I can see why it’d be super annoying. At any rate, Jonah certainly seems to think so, since he abhors laziness and Mousse is pretty much the epitome of laziness (unless it comes down to the things that he like, and then he turns super energetic).

Dean: his cruel and unusual ways of punishment that’s referenced many times throughout the series??? I don’t know much about him tbh (sorry to all the Dean stans!!!). Jonah has never complained about it (or even mentioned Dean at all), but he must’ve been Jonah’s teacher during some point in the Ikerev universe, especially considering that Jonah and Harr were in the same grade and Dean makes an appearance in Harr’s Class Companions event route.

Dalim: probably that he’s overly-dedicated to those he’s loyal to. Dalim knows that Amon is not a good person and what he’s doing is very wrong, but he still does Amon’s bidding because he is a firm believer in Amon supremacy. However, he has tried to save Cradle on multiple occasions, so I guess that makes up for it. In fact, I think that Jonah would actually appreciate this flaw, because he’s just as dedicated to Lancelot as Dalim is to Amon, and they both tried to intervene when they believed that their King/Lord was up to something bad.

THIS FOLLOWING PART IS FROM @theboredhawk!!!

You could also say that one of Dean's more obvious flaws is that he's very blunt. While he's a smooth talker when it's convenient for him, more often than not he doesn't sugar coat his words when he's pointing out other people's flaws.He says it like it is. This might lead to Jonah being offended on more than one occasion. On the other hand, i don't think Jonah likes Dalim's debauchery. He might think that he fools around too much. He might've chastised him at some point, but gave up when he saw that he wasn't listening. Dalim is hard to tame. There were a few times when he didn't listen to Amon's orders and he also did that thing at the end of Ray's ttlg route which proved that he's not as loyal to his lord as he seems.

BONUS:

Jonah: Jonah literally stated himself that he knows how reckless and stubborn he is, but he doesn’t have any intentions of changing that. And I just. That’s actually such a strong thing to do??? He legit accepts himself as he is without trying to change anything about the way he is. Self-acceptance level 10/10.

[carry-on-every-neverland-magic]

‘Come Out And Haunt Me’

Also on A03  for @aborddelimpala SamDean Celebration Week Day One: “Dad’s on a hunting trip and he hasn’t been home in a few days.”

He felt guilty. As Baby purred along the brightly lit highways, ever closer to Stanford, Dean couldn't help feeling that for once, in a twisted way, fate was on his side.

Dean pushed the images of John in danger to the back of his mind. Deep down he knew Dad would be okay, he was too strong, too hard to break. Whatever the reason was for his absence, Dean was sure he was in control.

That's what he was telling himself to drown out the voice saying how happy he was he finally had a good reason to see Sam, after all this time. Not just super late, half drunk phone calls, where the real words he wanted to say never escaped Dean's lips, and Sam, patient but annoyed, just said,

“Dean I have to go. I uh...thanks for calling.”

And Dean would hear the long tone of the phone hung up, he'd cling to the receiver imagining Sam was still there.

“Hey man, I miss this, I miss talking.”

Dean would gulp and whisper the words aloud to the empty receiver.

“Me too Sam. I''m...I'm sorry, I wish I hadn't just let you go.”

Silence. In Dean's imagined scenario and in reality. Then imagined Sam's voice would croak,

“Miss you jerk.”

Dean's eyes watered, he didn't even remember pulling into this bay and picking up the phone. A quarter was still in the palm of his hand and the phone just had a low depressing hum coming from it.

He replaced the receiver with regret, forcing out a “Bitch”, to the quiet night.

AC/DC was cranked up full blast, Dean tapping the steering wheel. The only time he could truly escape was in the minutes of a song.

It freed his soul, getting lost in his rock and roll.

As he approached Stanford, his stomach felt like it was full of pins and with each swallow, more discomfort. He'd thought naively, that perhaps being near to Sam would help, his nerves would dissipate. But it was the opposite.

All he heard now was “Get lost, Dean.”

After 2 years the pain of that night hadn't really waned and sometimes, no, often, Dean wished that that had been the time he stood up to John and stood by Sam, followed his heart and not orders.

He pulled Baby into the side, switched her off and everything went quiet. No more escape.

It was fairly early, approaching 9pm, and students were bustling in and out of the building, most with carefree smiles on their faces since they were celebrating Halloween and Dean couldn't help but smile back at a few bloodied nurses and a particularly sexy werewolf in a shredded skirt.

He got cold feet, the ringing in his ears of rejection was too much and he hopped back into Baby and decided to kill some time at a nearby bar.

Dean fingered the rim of the glass for so long that by the time he took a sip, the whisky was warm. He had no idea how long he'd sat there until he glanced at the clock and it was almost midnight. A pang hit his chest. If he couldn't do it tonight, he never would.

He felt Sam slipping further away from him with every month that passed, every phone call that he never made or the few that were just going through the motions, though Dean often missed that there was an ache in Sam's voice that would surface when a memory of Dean came back, like holding him in the back of the impala when their Dad was angry or Dean making him laugh when he was bored waiting around in the 100th motel room that year.

But Dean missed these moments that Sam broke because he hated himself for letting him walk out that door so all he heard was blunt goodbyes and I have to go.

A few stragglers were hanging about when Dean arrived back and this time he pushed himself forward into the building after leaving Baby in the parking lot nearby.

He tried to keep his mind blank and at first it worked. A step at a time, a floor at a time, a door at a time. Until he reached Sam's dorm. He thought he heard faint laughter from inside. Sam was still up and it sounded like whoever he was with, they were having fun watching a corny horror movie together.

Dean glanced at his watch. 12:15am

The amulet glinted in the light of the corridor and it caught Dean's eye.

He grasped it gently in his hand, then let it go.

He pressed himself against the wall and closed his eyes. Flashes of Sam came to him. Long rides in Baby, scary times they were left alone and Dean guarded the door with a shotgun, putting on a brave face for Sammy, rare times they got to relax, just them and a bad movie and expired candy from the vending machine. Sat on the sofa they'd voice over the movie, make fun of it and laugh and for an hour or two they forgot monsters existed. It was just them. Seeing Sammy smile had always meant more to Dean than his own.

Dean inhaled deeply, opened his eyes and slid to the floor. A student passed by and barely took notice of him. Head in his hands, Dean struggled to think what he would say. . Dean sighed, why would Sam help him? He didn't stick up for him when he left and his stupid stupid phone calls, always after he had drunk too much...no wonder Sam never called him. Dean hoped that Sam knew he wasn't just following Dad's orders and being a good soldier. He'd follow Sam into Hell if he had to whether he was told to or not.

Sam, at that moment, thought of when he had slammed the door behind, wishing and praying that Dean would have followed him. He gulped and Jess looked at him softly.

“You okay?” “Yeah”, he smiled back.. “Just tired. Let's get some sleep huh?”

Jess nodded as he kissed her gently and they slowly rose to get ready for bed. He had no clue that Dean was sat just outside but the Winchesters always did have a kind of unfathomable connection.

The words clawed inside Dean's heart. Why couldn't he just say it? I need you man, I want my brother back.

Yes of course he was here for Dad too but this...he'd waited for this day for two years, a real excuse to come and get Sam.

It was like the good kind of possessed (if there is such a thing) Those times where you go on auto pilot, your body and surroundings don't feel real and the thing you were putting off you just do it, because it's not really you at that moment.

He just knew he couldn't take the option of knocking on the door and Sam telling him to get lost, a quiet heartbreak. No he had to go in all guns blazing. Drown out rejection with chaos.

Dean didn't remember when he chose to make a move, when he went to open the window nor did he feel like it was his feet walking around the dorm. The scuffle even was a blur.

But as soon as he heard, “Dean?” and was looking down at Sammy, the face he hadn't seen in 2 years, Dean felt heavy and present again, his hand on Sam's, this was real, there he is.

…...........................................................................................................................................................

 “Dad's on a hunting trip and he hasn't been home in a few days.” Stay with me, Dean thought, I can't lose you, I'm begging you man, you're all I have, I want us to be together again, I miss you so much.

And Dean had flashed his trademark smile, though his heart hammered as he waited for Sam's response.

And Sam, despite the situation and concern over their Dad, had never felt happier to see Dean. Nothing compared. Not the moment when he beamed at him Christmas Day or seeing how much he loved the amulet, not when they had actually got to splash around in some motel pool for the entire day, not a care in the world, not when they pretended to be Ozzy Osbourne and put on a concert in some dingy motel living room, not when Dean had stayed by his side all night and calmly stroked his hair until he fell asleep and not even when he and Dean had taken Baby and driven to some out back town, played pool into the early hours and happy and giddy, returned to her, their home, and slept in the backseats, a smile on their faces after one of the best nights in a long time. No, not any of those memories could compare to this.

Sam realised, with how light his chest suddenly felt, how much he had missed his brother and that this night could turn out to be the best of his life. He couldn't see it being beaten.

But he didn't betray this on his face or in his words, he just silently thought, He came back. You came back.

And it was the bravest thing Dean had ever done for him.

[ywhiterain]

nitpicks

"The use of "can't" as opposed to, "doesn't" is noteworthy, but an explanation has not been forthcoming.

Hazel Domain, Legacy, on the 15x8 script

So here's the thing. Word choice is extremely important in prose and dialogue. Most script writes aren't super concerned about word choices outside dialogue or maybe important visual ques for the director. TV scripts, especially for ones who have been running for over a decade, are also less likely to add in flavor and intent like this. They trust the actors to do their jobs without explicitly telling them every emotion reaction the character they've been playing so long.

What I'm getting at is that you can't judge stage direction and what' basically flavor text to prose writing. "Can't" vs. "don't" might be significant in a novel or if a character is talking. But stage directions, not... really? Or at least not when it comes down to 'does Dean have romantic feelings for Cas'. The answer is pretty clear: no. The whys of the no are interesting, but it's still a no.

And even in context of the scene - whatever Cas wants from Dean (I do personally think it's romantic, but reading it as something human he wants despite being an angel is fine), he can't have. The emotional crux of the scene is that Cas is saying it and just having that feeling is enough.

I think PART of the problem is that... it's not exactly well done. Misha's acting became a meme for a reason. And the nature of the confession in context is fucking baffling. Dean, just ten seconds ago, was gung-ho about killing Jack, who Cas considers his child.

How do you think this man is the most kind loving person in the world when he cared so little for Jack. Cas is not really a character here, developing his character, going from point A to point B. It's like He's at point F, but wait we need him to be at point Z, but we don't have time to get to GHIJKLMNOPQRSTUV so we'll just... skip it.

So the only people who had any real emotional connection with the moment (outside of joyful laughter at how bad it was) are the ones who are already emotionally invested and ready to put in the work to make it make sense.

And that kind of really sucks. Because it's supposed to be Castiel's last stand, the endnote to his character. And it comes off so sloppy. So I've seen arguments like 'that's why Dean should return his feelings so it makes more sense.'

But then you'd be wrecking Dean's character development too! He spent the entire season pissed off at Cas and then had an apology in Purgatory before he was willing to make Jack a bomb to kill God.

Sure, Cas SAYS that HE KNOWS Dean isn't just Daddy's blunt weapon. He doesn't think Dean is a stone cold killer. But it's Sam who confronted him, Sam who had a gun waved in his face, Sam who talked him down from child sacrifice. Sam was the one thing he couldn't give up for revenge.

There's just nothing THERE with Cas for Dean's actual character development. Being in love with Cas isn't going to fix his issues. Dean died how he lived: obsessed with his baby brother 4eva. That was never going away. To the writers, that was the feature. Dean was never going to have a character arc where he becomes less obsessed with his Sammy.

No, his endgame was remembering that he loves Sammy and that Sammy believes he's a good man so he should probably live up to that expectation. Cas gave him an extra nudge? Good for him

[shirtlesssammy]

6x06: You Can't Handle the Truth

Then:

Soulless Sam was a psychotic work of art

Now:

Calumet City, Illinois

Jane, a cute waitress at Biggerson’s, talks on the phone with a friend about whether a boy likes her (Bechdel who?). “I just need the truth,” she implores, as the camera zooms in on her mouth. 

She gets the truth. After ending the call, her coworkers start telling her VERY mean things, and a customer admits to running over a homeless man once. People just poor their worst thoughts out at her. Feeling like she’s going crazy, she calls someone to pick her up. Her friend just throws out more mean things at Jane. It’s then that Jane pulls out a gun and kills herself. DARK. 

Meanwhile Dean’s on the phone with Bobby about Sam. Bobby says he’ll look into it more and tells Dean, “Don’t shoot him yet.” Once off the phone, Sam brings food and a case. 

They head to interview Jane’s sister. She tells Sam that Jane was having a bad day, and she tried cheering her up. Sam --ruthless and blunt-- calls her out on her lie and asks what she did. Dean watches, perplexed. The sister starts crying, and admits that she wanted to console her sister, but it’s not what came out when she talked to her. They leave wondering what could have caused the fatal exchange. 

At a dentist’s office, a man sits in the dreaded chair, chit chatting with the dentist. He suddenly admits to not liking his wife anymore, and he’s actually a raging pedophile. 

Dean’s back on the phone with Bobby, hoping for answers on whether it’s Sam or Satan that’s Dean’s copilot. Dean’s struggling with the idea that this could just be Sam. 

Sam comes back to the motel to report another death --this time a guy got drilled to death. (But by the “non-sexy kind of drilling”, as Dean points out. DUDE.) Dean tells Sam to go interview the dentist alone. He’ll stay behind and do research. Uh, not suspicious at ALL , Dean. 

Turns out, the dentist hung himself before Sam could talk with him. They’re thinking that all the truth telling around the deaths point to a curse. While Sam heads to the morgue to check out the body, Dean heads to the dentist’s office. Once there, he finds a receipt for “Harry’s House of Horns” and remembers that Jane also had frequented the store. 

He goes to interview the store owner.

The owner asks about progress on his stolen horn. It was a museum piece, a thousand years old, one in a million. It was stolen the same day Jane died. 

Later, at the motel, he looks up Gabriel’s Horn, and sarcastically prays to Cas to check out the “loose nuke”, not really expecting the angel to show. 

GUYS. I haven’t rewatched this episode in --forever!--and didn’t think Cas was in it. But HE IS. AND we get a “Hello, Dean.” 

Dean’s a little (!) pissed that Cas will come for this stupid horn, but not otherwise. Cas reassures Dean that Sam is not Lucifer while pouring him a consolation drink.

Dean asks Cas what’s wrong with Sam, but Cas doesn’t know (Like, doesn’t Cas honestly not know he forgot Sam’s soul or is he lying on purpose?). Dean then stares (and stares) at Cas. He wants to know what Cas’s deal is --when did he stop being human (*whimpering noises*). “I’m at war.” 

For Science:

Dean mentions Gabriel’s Horn of Truth and says they think it’s in town. Before he can continue, Cas is gone. (*whimpering noises*)

Dean takes a drink, and Cas is back before he can finish swallowing. He searched the town and didn’t find Gabriel’s horn. Dean turns his back and tells Cas, “Nice seeing you anyway.” Cas tries mending fences a bit by telling Dean that he does want to help with Sam. He tells Dean that he’ll “make inquiries”, and is gone. Dean looks around the room forlornly, and takes another drink. 

Sam takes a look at the dead dentist and asks to see the rest of the bodies. The coroner says, “They’re gone.” Gone gone. They’re gone. 

Dean sits at a bar, nursing his Cas wounds, and watches the news on the television. Sam calls with the news. He’s at a missing person’s apartment now --and since she died a whole week before the others, he’s thinking the curse started with her. 

Dean orders another drink for the road, and utters the words, “I’d just like the freaking truth.” The bartender unloads some serious truths on Dean --and he realizes that he’s cursed. 

He calls Bobby to test out his new cursed skills, and learns that Bobby’s drinking milk in the middle of the day and watching Tori and Dean. Lol, nothing to confess at all, Bobby! “I guess it does work over the phone,” Dean laments. Bobby also confesses to pedicures and that Dean’s his favorite (but Sam’s the better hunter). OOF. Said flippantly, but this is one truth siblings never want confirmation on. Dean tells Bobby that he’s cursed --and then he gets an idea.

Dean calls Sam strategically now that he’s carrying the truth curse, and asks him to call him when he has a chance SO HE CAN SPILL. Sam can’t come to the phone right now because he’s going over the case with Corey’s sister. She confesses that her sister was obsessed with finding out the truth about her potentially-cheating boyfriend.

Back with Dean, Lisa calls at the WORST TIME. She confronts him about his behavior - storming in and shoving Ben. “You've got so much buried in there, and you push it down, and you push it down. Do you honestly think that you can go through life like that and not freak out? Just, what, drink half a fifth a night and you're good?”

Lisa then tears into the reappearance of Sam, tagging the Winchesters’ relationship as unhealthy. As soon as Sam reappeared, she knew their relationship was over. Once everything’s laid out, Lisa pauses. “That came out so much harsher than I meant,” she says, softer this time. Dean absorbs her criticism like a towel specially designed for soaking up loathing. She tells him they’re done.

Sam tears through the bedroom looking for evidence. He finds a cat skull under the bed. “Yahtzee,” as they say. Dean storms in and demands the truth about the vampire hunt. Sam goes dewy eyed. He froze when Dean was attacked! And he feels super duper extra duper bad about it! For REALS. 

Later, they uncover the truth - quite literally - while doing research back at the motel. The cat skull was part of a ritual to invoke Veritas. Now everybody in town calls on Veritas whenever they demand the truth. Bombarded with the truth, victims kill themselves and become tributes. 

Cut to a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it montage of stealing a hard drive from the TV studio of Ashley Frank, local TV anchor. They (mostly Sam) watch cut footage until dawn.

For Pretty Motel Science:

Nothing suspicious appears until a barking dog makes an appearance on film. While the dog barks uncontrollably at the news anchor, they FINALLY notice an eye flash. Monster target LOCKED.

At Ashley Frank’s palatial home, they ready their weapons: blades coated with dog blood. (Sam does NOT want you to ask where he got it from.) The Winchester’s creep through her house, and finally locate an altar-like setup. There are candles, a sculpture of Veritas, and many cute widdle kitties. Veritas arrives and immediately knocks out the Winchesters.

Later, they wake to find themselves tied to posts. Veritas strolls in wearing a fabulous gold gown and gets right in Dean’s face so she can absorb some delicious emotions. 

Dean confesses that he feels better about Sam now, but before he thought he was a monster and wanted to kill him. Dean explains that the hunting gig is that you’re either covered in blood, or dying in it. He tells her that he’s good at slicing throats - he isn’t a father. He’s a killer. I SCREAM BECAUSE 15X18 AND 15X19 LEFT US A GIFT (and then 15x20, well……..doesn’t exist).

Sam tells Veritas that their lives are hard, but he and Dean watch out for each other. He’s EXTREMELY chill about the situation. Veritas listens to this calm analysis and then freaks out and accuses him of lying. She demands to know “what” he is, which is SO RUDE. 

They could stick around and talk some more, but Sam’s finally done sawing through the ropes holding him down. He escapes, then Dean frees himself as well. Veritas gets stabbed first by Dean, then Sam. She perishes dramatically, but after that foe is defeated, Dean raises a knife to Sam. Dean demands the truth.

Sam reveals that he knows he is “Sam,” but he understands that there’s something wrong with him. He lied, and he let Dean get turned into a vampire because he knew there was a cure, and that Dean could fight it. He admits that old Sam wouldn’t take the risk of Dean turning forever, or killing an innocent person. Sam tells Dean he doesn’t feel anything - and this is what makes him a better hunter. Sam concludes that he needs help. 

Dean knocks Sam to the ground and starts throwing several punches at him until he passes out.

The Quotes Hurt:

Dentist drilled a guy to death

I'm here hittin' the books while drinking a nice glass of milk, while watching Tori & Dean

I'm not saying don't be close to Sam. I'm close to my sister. But if she got killed, I wouldn't bring her back from the dead!

It’s the gig. You're covered in blood until you're covered in your own blood

 Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

[reblogging4thewin]

Relatively Blunt, Obviously Oblivious

Mick has to explain to Cas that he was flirting. Cas has some realizations about the things Dean has said to him.

-

Misha and Adam's comments at Momento Con this weekend were fantastic.

Ironically, Cas being in denial, oblivious!Cas from early seasons, and Mick's obvious flirting gave me a Casmick idea (it's still Destiel though of course)

I've never shipped Casmick, but the concept of realization via the transitive property compelled me.

Read on AO3

-

Cas called Mick asking to talk about a case, and they met up at a bar.

Seated on the stools at the far end, by the woodgrain wall, they began talking shop. Cas looked confused each time that Mick leaned a bit towards him or asked him a personal question.

Mick realized that Cas was still oblivious and decided to spell it out for him. Cas looked genuinely surprised.

"So, that was flirting?"

"...Yes. Quite bluntly, I might add."

Cas thought back to all of the similar things Dean had said to him over the years.

Well Cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that, I got laid.

So I'm Thelma and you're Louise, and we're just going to hold hands and sail off this cliff together?

On the other hand you, you're looking good.

...I needed a super strong dude in a trenchcoat...

There were many more things Dean had said that were loving, but Cas had assumed they were meant platonically.

If "I bet you could finish me off without breaking a sweat" was blunt flirting, according to Mick, then maybe Dean's "not for nothing," "Thelma and Louise," and "super strong dude in a trench coat" comments were in the same category.

Dean did tend to roll his eyes after saying these things, just like Mick had. It was even more interesting that right then, in the bar, Mick had been leaning into Cas' space and eying him strangely. Come to think of it, when Dean made the Thelma and Louise comment, he had come right up to Cas' face and given him a similar look...

"Whoa; earth to angel!" Mick was waving his hand in front of Cas' face.

Cas shook his head to clear it and looked back at Mick. "Um, should I be blunt here?"

Mick shrugged and gestured broadly. "Psh; by all means." Can he even be any other way?

"I am...not interested. You've given me a lot to think about though, so thank you for that."

Cas tipped his empty beer bottle slightly in acknowledgement and walked away before Mick could regain his composure and respond.

Cas had to do some "blunt flirting" of his own.

End notes under the cut

-

The trench coat thing is from a later season draft script, yes, but this is a canon-adjacent AU where either Mick lives and this happened much later, or Dean said the "super strong dude in a trench coat" line in season 12. Deal with it, lol.

Since Mick gave Cas his number in 12*09 and the near-death confession was in 12*12, let's say this happened in between those episodes.

-

I don't normally tag list for off the wall stuff like this.

@casmick-consequences I believe this is your niche, lol.

[frosty-the-killer-doll]

Just meanstiel things

Horror bingeathon nights

Meg and Dean share bubblegum all the time and just spit it straight into the other’s mouth. They also do this whenever one of them finds an incredibly weird/bad-tasting drink and instead of just giving the other the container, they just take a big swig and spit it directly into the other’s mouth. Yeah they nasty

On the contrary, whenever someone tells Mean they nasty, they immediately start acting like an old married couple calling each other “schnookums” and making kissing faces. Cas deals with it

Mg appreciates Cas’ blunt honesty. It’s a trait that’s slowly rubbing off on her, too, along with Dean

Meg once described Dean as “like if an alt-right southerner hate-fucked a real southerner and out popped a beanie baby that they then heavily traumatized.” As such, his nickname is “deanie baby.”

Meg makes them try crop tops. Bi panic ensues

Meg’s openly bi and polyamorous, so she really helps Dean to understand his own sexuality and the do’s/dont’s of polya

Dean and Cas are super fucking awkward after Cas is revived and god Meg just cannot stop trying to get those boys to make the fuck out already

Like. Seriously. I’m talkin’ mistletoes when it’s not December, I’m talkin’ forging valentine’s when it’s not February, I’m talkin’ Meg sending one of them a bouquet and signing it the other’s name. Sam’s in on it, but only because Meg doesn’t have the money for that type of shit. Before she brought Sam in, she’d just have Ruby mug a bitch

Destiel thinks Meg’s games are cruel, but as long as Destiel keeps coming up to each other just to ‘doublecheck’ that a new thing was Meg’s doing, they have a reason to talk about it, so Meg’s not letting it go because Dean’s a fucking idiot

Everyone knows Destiel’s real. The only ones that don’t know are Destiel. Cas thinks it’s unrequited, while Dean thinks he cannot possibly be into guys. Meg is a big reason why they figured their shit out, mainly because she walked up to them one day, kissed both, and said “we’re dating now” all matter of fact and both were too surprised to respond

Destiel first kissed when Meg dragged them to a bar and forced them on the dance floor. It was not a good kiss, or a long kiss, it kinda just happened because well their faces were so close to Meg’s and Meg was kissing them and it felt weird to not kiss the other. Destiel didn’t want to be rude y’know?

Meg was like fUCKING FINALLY and held their hands on the way to the bathroom so they could figure out how to have a drunken makeout session with three players

Mutually peer pressuring Cas into getting out of his comfort zone

Meg making Dean fully embrace his dorkiness

Dean: “hey meg can you,, teach me how to apply makeup” meg: “i’ve been waiting for this day all my life”

Cas just randomly giving them affirmations about themselves all the time. Like damn boy slow down or they’re going to fall in love w/ you (too late)

Meg and dean have so much pda. Just all the time. Please stop grinding in public you’re mentally scarring the children

Cas really likes holding their hands. Dean likes putting his arms around them. Meg likes hugging them. They’ve attempted to do all three at once multiple times. Bones are broken. They do not stop

Cas takes them to horror houses. First guy that jumped out, Meg decked em. Dean then kicked them. Mean then beat the shit out of this poor actor. Cas watched and did nothing. It has since become a tradition of theirs. They are banned from horror houses nationwide.

Cas and Dean are all sweet domestic bfs. Dean still sputters whenever Cas gives him a lil smooch or puts his hand on his back or matches his stride or puts his hand on his shoulder or they laugh together or when Cas smiles or laughs or breathes-

(and meanwhile Megan™ wakes up everyday and immediately chooses violence)

The biggest wedding. Giant as fuck. Their ceremony crossed multiple state lines

They have an awkward and long discussion about kids, Meg instantly outlining that just because her body is cis that does nOT mean she wants to deal with pregnancy and, quote, “dean your dick don’t work” (transgenderism). After this dramatic talk about their future, Meanstiel decides that Miracle is enough trouble as is, and they’re sure Claire and Jack will still need ‘em, so they’re great where they are now, child-free by choice.

Cas surprises Dean with comic con tickets. Dean makes them cosplay as Cyclops, Wolverine and Jean Grey.

Cas gets Meg really into podcasts

Cas acts as Meg and later Dean’s model for makeup and clothes

Cas is always showering them in gifts. Dean keeps sayin that he doesn’t have to, man, but he secretly really, really likes the look Cas gives Meg or him when they’re excitedly opening a new gift. Meg is always delighted at the presents, but feels just a tad, tiny bit bad that Cas never expects anything in return, so everytime Cas gets them something, Meg and Dean get him something, usually more flashy and more expensive. All three are now competing for best gift giver. It’s a vicious cycle

Meg crudely draws them nsfw art. Cas once tried to pin one on the fridge. So much screaming ensued

Dean and Cas usually fall asleep alone in their bed as Meg is a night owl, but always wake up with her in a dogpile that was definitely started by her

Meg once wore Cas’ suit. Dean was red for days

And if you’re wondering, Cas wore Meg’s clothes because she’d stolen his suit. Meg wears mostly leather and croptops. Dean was red for days

Meg is Dean’s “no personally I’m sexy as hell” to Dean’s “i wanna die lol.” Cas is their “what the fuck you’re both the most beautiful beings on this planet how could you, Dean, be so kept down by self doubt and depreciation and Meg, how could you let yourself be so wrapped up in yourself that you don’t see the pain around you? You’re better than this. Both of you. You’re so much better than what you think you are.” Meg and Dean instantly start crying

As Sam and his quad (eileen, rowena, gabriel) convert the bunker into a hunter center, the three eventually move out and conform to a somewhat normal life in the country, still wreaking havoc and kicking ass, but now they have their own little farm and flowerbeds and tree swing and are happy to be semi-retired from their previously batshit lifestyle. Of course, they take close cases and always help the hunters in need, but they spend most of their afternoons laying in the grass and cloudwatching and snuggling and picniccing and playing with Miracle and swimming in that nifty little lake by the forest’s entry. They’re sweet, and soft, and feel more human than ever. Most importantly, they’re so happy, with themselves and each other. Dean learns to appreciate the little things that make him great, Meg learns to deconstruct her ego and pay attention to what other people need, and Cas finally allows himself to feel all the things that humans feel, and to be honest about them without fear or doubt. They’re just… happy, y’know? They deserve that. They’re in love and they love it

[scarlettwitcher]

The Funny Thing About Life

Summary: Dean struggles with the aftermath of a difficult event in his life involving reader. (It’s super vague I know, but if I literally explain anything, it’s all spoilers. I swear it’s good)

Characters: Dean, Reader, Sam, Cas, OC!Leu, mentions of Ellen and Jo

Word Count: 5,300

Warnings: Angst up the wazoo, mild description of wounds, also some of the warnings are spoilers so I’m putting them in the tags lol

Author’s Note: Here’s this fic that I wrote a few weeks ago. I haven’t had a chance to post it till now. I was inspired after watching a youtuber play a game based on this concept. If anyone’s curious about the theme I was going for, let me know. I’m very glad to explain. I hope you guys like it, I haven’t written Dean in years lol. I apologize in advance if it’s bad, I’m not good at angst.

Death was inevitable. Dean knew that, Sam knew that, even Cas knew that but given the type of life they lived, they didn’t know when it was going to be permanent or if it was just a never ending cycle of lost heartbeats and gasps for air. Sometimes death was permanent and there was nothing they could do about it, watching countless friends and family pass away right under their noses. Sam and Dean somehow always found a way to cheat death though. Come back and walk the earth as if they hadn’t just been lifeless moments ago. Deal after deal after deal trying to protect each other from what was the inevitable end for the brothers. It wasn’t until you had just danced your way into their lives that they started to value life for what it was without trying to die. You traveled with the brothers for years, keeping them company in the back of the impala, cracking horrible joke after joke, offering your candy to a grumpy dean, or just sleeping the previous hunt away. To the outside world, it probably would’ve been weird just how comfortable the three of you became in a short amount of time but you just understood each other. The brothers had already lived a long and hard life before you came into the picture. They took their necessary precautions when it came to you but in a few short months, you had become one of their own. 

Living a life with the Winchesters was tough and sometimes downright impossible but you proved loyal to them every moment you could, sticking by through their hardest moments. Dean became attached not only to your beautiful face and appealing form but to your kind soul, your caring nature, your inability to give up. If he was to be completely honest, he fell in love with you the moment he first met you but he’d never admit it. He’ll never admit how much your smile can brighten his days instantly, how your laugh is his favorite song over Zeppelin and Jovi, how every moment with you is his favorite. He always had it bad for you since the moment you joined his misshapen crew. Dean could never understand how lucky he got that you even glanced in his direction, let alone fall in love with him too. He was terrified at first. He knew he had destructive habits, moments of lost clarity where he wasn’t himself truly. Having traveled with Dean for years before finding the bunker, you understood this, understood him. You were patient, loving, and Dean would never say it, but in a way you were his salvation. You showed him how to love himself first and how to better improve for himself and not only did he grow and achieve that, he learned how to truly love you. 

“Dean. Dean? Hey!” Dean snapped out of his thoughts of you to look up at Sam as he waved his hands in front of Dean trying to get his attention. Dean looked at Sam emotionless as Sam sighed, flipping his computer around to show Dean some camera footage. “There was a sighting of a man and a woman in New Mexico and caught police attention. Here they are passing through a gas station.” Dean clenched his jaw as he watched the tape play, the man they had been tracking for weeks walking across the aisle, motioning towards the girl to grab food for herself. The girl looked timid, almost broken as she grabbed a few bags of snacks, and water. Even though the tape was grainy and just a bit laggy, he could see the shake in her hands, the tremble in her body, the way her eyes looked everywhere in desperation almost as if she was waiting for someone to save her. The girl looked up at the camera, her eyes wide and teary, one eye clearly bruised up, cheek swollen, lips parted from what only looked like constant abuse. Dean felt the anger boiling inside of him as he pushed the laptop back at Sam, a bit more forcefully than he meant. Sam only let out a quiet click of his tongue as he took his laptop back, scrolling through a few more camera feeds. 

“When?” 

“Two weeks ago.” Dean grabbed the whiskey bottle as he filled his cup back up, throwing the glass back, the amber liquid burning his throat. Dean let out a quiet hiss before moving to refill his glass once more.

“Dean, how much have you drank?”

“Does it matter?”

“You know she wouldn-”

“Dammit Sammy, she’s not here is she?! She’s not here to tell me I shouldn’t.” Dean growled out loudly as he stood, chest puffed out as his breathing became more ragged and hard with every breath he took. Sam said nothing as he stared his brother down, trying to get his thoughts together. Dean was tense and if Sam pushed him, he’d probably break and take it out on him and that last thing they needed was to waste time they could be using to find you. 

“We’ll get her back, Dean. I know it’s only a matter of time but she’ll be home soon.” Dean only shook his head as he grabbed the whiskey bottle, leaving his cup on the table as he made his way towards his room which really was his and yours. Dean walked in, looking around, almost as if he was searching for you from instinct, searching for any movement, smell, any indication that you were in the room, hiding from him like you always did. He clenched his jaw, knowing you weren’t there and he felt the tension building in his bones again at the reality of the situation as he took a large sip from the bottle, trying to drown everything with the golden liquid. He wanted to drown his memories of you, thoughts of you, the smell of you, and forget. Forget you’re gone, out of his reach, forget that he didn’t protect you like he promised and had failed you. 

A month had passed since you disappeared. Dean couldn’t find you and after a week of no contact, he grew increasingly worried. It wasn’t like you to leave without a notice, without a call, or a note, or even a text. Saying that Dean was losing his mind was the understatement of the year. No one had heard from you and not even Cas could tune into your location. Dean denied it. He denied any idea that you had abandoned him, that you were fed up with your life with the Winchesters. He denied the thought that you didn’t love him anymore. Sam reassured him constantly that there was no way you had left him, that you were just as love sick as Dean. 

Another week passed and nothing. That was until Sam found something, or in this case, he was sent something. A video. Dean threw up after the first few minutes of watching the video and he couldn’t stomach watching the rest, leaving Sam to have to watch it, searching for any clues that could aid the brothers. The video was of you, bound and bloody, screaming into a mouth gag as the hooded man carved into your skin, making you sing songs that Dean would gladly never, ever listen to again. You looked like you had gone through hell and back. The man laughed in the video as he finally showed his face. “Hello Deaaanie! You’re probably wondering who I am. You can call me Leu.” The man chuckled as he moved closer to your exhausted form, wincing  as he grabbed your chin hard, making you face the camera. “Say hello to your dear husband sweetie.” 

Your tired eyes fluttered for a few seconds before focusing on the camera. Your lips parted slightly as you took a deep breath. Your throat was sore, like you had swallowed knives from all the screaming. “Dean, baby, don’t.” That’s all that you managed to say before the man slapped you hard, knowing the few specs of oxygen out of your lungs, leaving you almost breathless as you tried to breathe. 

“Well that was lame, I was expecting something more heartfelt. Oh well. Come and find me Dean.” The video went dark after that, Dean’s solemn and terrified face staring back at him. He grimaced and looked away, feeling the shame building inside of him more and more as the seconds passed by. He should’ve protected you better, should’ve been a better partner to you. Your blunt statement started ringing in his ears as he remembered what you said. Don’t. He knew exactly what you were talking about but he couldn’t bring himself to listen to you. How could you tell him not to when he had to and would. Sam had begun to do everything he could, tracing the video, searching for the mystery man in all of the databases, and unfortunately, re-watching the video for anything he missed, anything that could tip him off about your location. 

Dean laid on his bed as he stared at the bottle of whiskey, his anger boiling inside of him, his inability of being able to find you, adding gasoline to the fire burning inside of him. Sam had found a lead though and it seemed promising. He was about to take another sip but the loud call of his name had him running down the bunker, towards the main room where Sam was typing away furiously into his computer. “Dean, look at this.” Sam was about to show him another video feed before the video was interrupted, the skype window filling the whole screen, someone trying to call them. The name showed ‘Unknown Caller’. Sam sighed as he pointed towards the screen. “This is the third time this person calls.”

Dean grunted and clicked on the answer button ready to tell whoever was on the other end to go screw themselves but before the video loaded, there was a soft moan from a woman, one in pain, one Dean recognized all too well. The video loaded in and Dean was face to face with your broken body and the so-called Leu beside you. He had a large grin as he moved closer to the camera. “Finally! I really thought you were ignoring me for a second. Wouldn’t want to make our dear Y/n worry.”

“Son of a bitch! I’ll kill you!” Dean roared out, almost tempted to punch the computer screen but Sam was very ready to contain his brother.

“Now now Deano, don’t be so rude. We have a guest.” Leu walked closer to you, poking you with the knife in his hand. You stirred slowly, groaning as he touched another wound on your skin. You looked thinner, you clearly lost a lot of weight and that really worried Dean. “Don’t you dare touch her.”

“A little late for that remark. I really think I’ve created a masterpiece. So many different hues of blue and purple but my favorite is red.” Leu began to drag his hand across your arm, pulling grunts of pain from you before chuckling quietly as he walked back towards the camera. 

“What do you want?” Sam chimed up when he realized all of Dean’s focus was on you, watching as you struggled to breathe and move. Your bones ached with every movement and there was a point where you just stopped moving, the uncomfortable position better than the burning of your skin. 

“I want you to suffer.” Leu smiled wide as he turned and motioned to you. “It’s pretty easy really. The cycle of life, if you’d like to give it an official name. ”

‘You will pay for this. You will suffer as much as she has and worse.”

Leu let out a full belly laugh as he looked at the camera, wiping away fake tears. “Oh wow I’m definitely trembling in fear.” Both the brothers stared at Leu. If looks could kill, Leu would’ve been assassinated gruesomely. “ You can’t hurt me but I can hurt you. Enjoy this moment because after this, you will never see her again.” Just before the camera cut out, Leu blinked his eyes portraying the black eyes that constantly mocked the brother their whole lives. Demon. 

Dean felt his jaw clench and as he opened his mouth to speak, say anything, the call ended. The screen was blank and that was the last time he ever saw you just as Leu promised and that drove Dean just a bit closer to insanity. Dean didn’t waste a single second before moving back to his room and hastily packing his bag, shaving any clothes he could get his hands on in it. He grabbed his weapons and anything else he needed before moving back towards the main room where a confused Sam sat, typing away at his computer. He looked up as Dean dropped his bag on the floor, moving towards the bookshelf looking for something he also needed. 

“Dean, don’t.” 

“You can’t stop me Sammy.”

“She wouldn’t want this, you know that.”

“I’m leaving.” Finding what he needed, Dean grabbed his duffle bag from the floor before he hastily made his way to the garage. Sam knew better than to try to even reason with Dean. When it came to you, he would move heaven and hell a million times over to get to you. As Dean entered the garage, he threw his bag in the back of the impala, before slipping into the driver’s side, speeding out of the Bunker, a man on a mission. He knew the way to the crossroads like the back of his hand. He had done this countless times, he knew the drills. Crowley was no longer an option and he had to resort to old ways. Pulling up to the location, he moved on autopilot. He opened the trunk and pulled out a tin can, already prepared. Dean double checked it before making his way towards the middle. He set the trap in place before he dug the hole, burying the box.

“You know, we had a bet going to see how long I’d take for you to appear here.” Dean turned to face the Demon. Dean’s expression never faltered, if anything it became more menacing. The demon smirked as it watched Dean, walking around in the circle as she sighed, clearly already bored.

“Then you know why I’m here.”

“Yes… I do.” The demon moved closer to Dean, almost taunting him as her eyes flashed black. She chuckled quietly before clicking her tongue. “Unfortunately for you Winchester, I can’t make the deal.”

“Then get me someone who can.”

“That’s the thing pretty boy, we can’t.” Dean felt his lip curl in anger as he tried to stay composed but it was getting harder with every second that passed that he wasn’t getting what he needed. 

“I don’t want time, trade me for her.”

“I’m sorry Dean but no can do.” The demon was clearly amused and not an ounce of sympathy was in her actions. Dean licked his lips as he nodded his understanding. He rubbed his chin with his thumb before quickly turning and stabbing the demon straight in the gut. The demon flashed as it died on Dean’s blade but Dean showed no emotion. It didn’t matter how long it took, he would find someone who could give exactly what he wanted and what he wanted was you, safe at home. 

Demon kill after demon kill, Dean was relentless. Weeks and weeks of capturing and torturing any demon he could get his hands on. Then, they stopped appearing completely. The demons stopped appearing and Dean was losing his mind. He never had felt so out of loss of control as he did in that moment. He was sitting in his motel, staring at a photo he had of you and him. You were sitting at the bar table with Dean at your left side and Sam on your other. You all had chosen to stop at Ellen's for the night. Sam had gotten up to go to the restroom and left you and Dean at the bar. Dean thought it would be smart to say something funny and you were laughing hard as Dean watched you with a huge smile himself. Jo was working the bar and thought it was a cute sight and snapped a quick photo with her phone. Looking at the photo now, Dean realized this was when he really started falling in love with you. It was super obvious in the way he was smiling in the photo, watching you as you laughed your worries away. Dean ran his fingers across the creases the photo had from the wear and tear of being in his wallet. That moment felt like it was a lifetime ago when it really only was a few years old. 

Dean took a deep breath as he gingerly put the photo back into his wallet before tossing it on his bed. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey he had bought earlier, popping the lid, and taking a big swig of it. The amber liquid burned his throat but he didn't care. He welcomed the pain. He welcomed any distraction from his reality. Dean was no stranger to depression and feelings of inadequacy but this was a whole new level of low. Everything he promised he would and wouldn't do, he had done and that wasn't his biggest failure. His biggest failure was keeping you to himself when he knew you were worth more than someone like him and here you were, paying the consequences for his inability to admit that to himself. Dean felt the anger slowly dissipating, being replaced with the sorrow your absence created. He never wanted to know what life was like without you and now he did. He hated it. 

Dean never stopped looking for you. The days passed and he kept looking, pouring himself into his work, but each day, it was harder and harder for him. He'd drink his pain away, resort to the devil's liquid to get through his days. He became an empty shell of himself. Sam stopped calling after a few months of Dean ignoring his calls. Dean knew his brother deserved better too. It wasn't just losing you that affected him, it was losing his best friend, his hunting partner, his wife. Till death do you part. The few days he was conscious, those words rang through his head. Were you even alive? Had you escaped and just not come back? Was your body at the bottom of a lake? In a ditch? He didn't know and that's what sent him down his dark path. 

After a year passed, his depression got worse but he knew he had to return home. He wasn't Dean anymore and he didn't think he would be again. He felt numb at best. Walking back into the bunker by himself, was a new slap to his face. This was it. He had to accept that you were gone and you weren't coming back. Sam heard the door and made his way to the stairs, staring at what was left of Dean. Dean was thinner, he had new scars, he looked like he hadn't slept in months, and his eyes were just different. "Hey Sammy."

Dean would like to say it happened quick, that he was okay within a year, but that would be a lie. It took him years before he could even say your name again. Sam had finished making dinner and they sat in the library in comfortable silence as they ate before Dean pulled out his wallet, pulling out the photo of the two of you, dropping it between the two on the table. Sam looked at the photo with furrowed brows before looking up at Dean silently asking about it. Dean cleared his throat as he tried to organize his thoughts but in reality, he didn't want to. He was tired. He just wanted to talk. 

"Remember when we stopped at Ellen's? Y/n was just whining and whining about how much she missed her and Jo? She drove us crazy that whole drive?" Dean chuckled quietly as Sam nodded. 

"She said she wouldn't be your friend anymore if we didn't stop there."

"I couldn't believe she had even said that. Thought I was having a nightmare." 

"I mean, we both know she was just fibbing. Had she pushed just a bit more, you would've caved anyways."

"Yeah, she did have me wrapped around her finger, didn't she?"

Sam scoffed and smiled as he stared at the photo. "Since the first day we met her." Sam felt his smile falter a bit as he nodded towards the photo, his eyes flicking up to watch Dean, being careful with how he approached his next question. "Do you miss her?"

Dean felt his eyes water. He wasn't one to cry but when it came to you, the tears always flowed freely. "Always. Every day. I don't think I ever stop missing her."

"You haven't said her name since the day you came back."

"I know. I think I'm ready."

"To talk about her?"

"To let her go." Sam didn't need to ask what Dean meant. He knew exactly what it meant. Sam nodded his understanding before motioning for Dean to finish eating. 

By the end of the day, both boys had organized everything they needed, standing in front of the Hunter's funeral they had created. They didn't have a body to burn but had replaced it with all of your favorite things, everything that made you you. There was a plate with your favorite food, your favorite shirt, and little things you loved to collect. Dean stared at it all. This was it. Sam waited for Dean to ask him to stop. When the minutes passed and he said nothing, he threw the lighter onto the wood, watching as it all engulfed in flames. Dean accepted your death and hoped that you were in heaven, enjoying yourself. You deserved it. 

"Dean?"

"Yeah Sammy?"

"Wake up." Dean furrowed his brows as he looked over at Sam. 

"What?"

"Dean, wake up!" 

Dean jolted awake, pulling the gun out from under his pillow, aiming it at Sam's head as Sam jumped back with his hands in the air. "Woah woah!"

Dean groaned out as he put the gun down, sighing as he rubbed at his eyes. "What's going on Sam?"

Sam sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck, hating what he had to do. "Dean, come on. It's today." Dean felt the blood run cold inside of him as he looked up at Sam, feeling the anger raise in his blood. 

"Is Y/n ready?" Sam swallowed thickly before nodding his head. He felt his throat closing up before clearing it. 

"Yeah." Sam didn't want to talk more as he made his way out of Dean's room. Dean let his head fall back into his pillow as he stared at the ceiling. What a fucking nightmare he just had. He looked over at the picture frame he had on the small bedside table. He picked it up and stared at the photo before taking a deep breath. 

"When I come back, I'll tell you all about the nightmare I had. You won't believe it. It felt so real." Dean kissed the frame softly before putting it back on the table. He got up and made his way to the closet, pulling out his fed suit. He remembered clearly that you had asked him to wear his best suit, he had to dress up fancy. You wouldn't accept anything less. He chuckled as he could hear your words echoing in his head. "You better look good Winchester or else you'll feel my wrath. I won't even make you pie for a whole month." 

This feeling in Dean's chest was heavy, it felt like he had swallowed bricks and they were sitting in his lungs, ready to suffocate him. He grabbed a red tie you had bought him just for this. You had to match, you told him when you gave it to him. He stood in front of the mirror, going through the motions he knew all too well. Once he was done, he walked over to his dresser, slipping on his wedding band, smiling at the relief the known weight brought to him. Once he was ready he made his way outside where Sam, Cas, and you were waiting for him. He felt the breath in his lungs be knocked out of him as his eyes fell on you. You were wearing a beautiful red dress, your favorite dress. Your hair was curled and you weren't wearing any makeup, your natural beauty shining through. Dean swallowed thickly as he kept his eyes on you, committing the memory to sight. 

Sam nodded his head to Dean before looking over at you, feeling the swell of emotions bursting in his chest. The weight of the lighter heavy in his palm. He took a deep breath and threw it, watching as you burst into flames from the moment it made contact with your skin. The three boys stood watch as you slowly burned away, moving on to heaven where you wouldn't suffer anymore. "Goodbye baby." Dean murmured as he watched the flames slowly die out. The sky trembled and within minutes, the rain poured onto the men but they didn't care. 

"I'm sorry Dean."

"It's not your fault Cas."

"I should've done better.” 

"It's what she wanted Cas." Cas took a deep breath before turning back to the burned embers of where you used to be, of what's left of you. 

"She deserved better than this."

"That's the funny thing about life isn't it?"

.               .               .               .               .               .               .

"What's your name Sweetheart?"

You chuckled as you pulled your knife out of the monster you had just killed. "Wouldn't you like to know sweet cheeks?" Dean chuckled as he licked his lips. Sam joined the both of you as you all made sure there were no more threats. "But if you really long for this information, I'll indulge you. It's Y/n."

.               .               .               .               .               .               . 

"Dean?"

"Yeah sweetheart?"

"This isn't a one time thing right?" Dean frowned as he looked down at you as you laid on his bare chest. The fact that you even had to ask him hurt his heart. He knew in that moment he wanted nothing more than for you to wake up everyday in his arms. 

"Of course not. It never was." Dean kissed your head gently and you hummed your appreciation, slowly succumbing to sleep in his hold. 

.               .               .               .               .               .               .

"Dean we need to talk."

"You can't break up with me. We're already married." You let out a choked laugh as you tried to think of the best way to tell him. 

"I need you to be serious with me for a second." Dean felt cold. Whenever you said something like this to him, it was never good news. He didn't say anything and you took a deep breath, unknowingly speaking what would be your demise. "The doctor called me today."

"And?"

"I tested positive."

.               .               .               .               .               .               .

"So when do you start losing your hair?" You chuckled quietly as Cas grabbed your hair, looking at it like it would attack him. 

"When I start treatment. Doc said it would be aggressive." Dean sighed as he held your hand and you looked at him with a soft smile. 

"There's still time." 

"No Dean besides, I'm okay with it. I'm not scared to die." 

"But I'm scared to lose you."

"I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere." As much as Dean would've loved to push you, he knew he needed to support any decision you made. He owed you that much as much as he hated it. 

.               .               .               .               .               .               .

"We should name it."

"Name what?"

"My sickness duh." Dean looked at you like you grew a second head and you laughed. "Don't look at me like that?"

"Why do you want to name it?" Sam was also looking at you the way Dean was and you rolled your eyes, poking at your food with your fork. As the time passed, it was getting harder and harder for you to eat but Dean pushed you, trying to get you to eat anything. 

"To make it normal. For me." 

Dean took a deep breath as he watched you poke your food before licking his lips. "Alright, I'll bite. What do you want to name it?"

"Well I don't want to name it something outrageous. I was thinking about Leu. "

"Leu?"

"Short for Leukemia. I thought it was clever."

Dean smiled slightly as he nodded. "Very clever."

.               .               .               .               .               .               .

"Dean?"

"Yeah sweetheart?"

"Promise me that if you see a girl in a bar and she's hot you'll go for it."

"Now's not the time for jokes." You coughed quietly as you tried your best to scowl at him. 

"I'm not joking. I'm serious. I want you to have a life after me, after all of this." 

"There's nothing after you."

"Don't be such a romantic and promise me you'll live your life when I'm gone."

Dean sighed and remembered his promise to support what you wanted. "I'll try."

"Good. You need some friends." Dean laughed as he moved to get comfortable. Sitting next to the bed where you lay, surrounded by tubes and wires wasn't the best place for comfort but he didn't care. Before he could respond, your nurse came in to check on you for the night. 

.               .               .               .               .               .               .

The day you passed away, Dean was in shock, numb to the world. He never thought it would happen. A whirlwind of doctors running into the room, pushing him out so they could try to revive you, except they couldn't. You signed a DNR. Dean was left with himself, having to watch as you took your last breath. The loud dinging of your heart monitor making him feel like he'd lost his hearing, forever cursed to hear that sound. He didn't sleep that night. He couldn't. Returning to an empty bed, a bed you belonged in, was the icing on top of the shit cake he was handed. He broke a lot of furniture that night. 

.               .               .               .               .               .               .

"Yeah, I guess it is." Dean felt his lungs cut off his air as flashes of memories of you played throughout his head. Sam patted Dean on his shoulder, relaying his silent support. Dean nodded towards him in thanks. The sound of Sam's boots crunching in the dirt sounded behind Dean as Cas moved to stand next to Dean. 

"Did you dress her?"

"Sam couldn't and asked me to. She picked a nice wig. It’s really close to her natural hair."

"Thanks Cas, really."

Cas stayed quiet as he looked at the burnt spot on the floor. He didn't want to leave his friend alone, not during his weakest moments. He knew Sam left because he didn't want to cry with Dean around, it wasn't about him, it was about Dean. Cas smiled slightly as he thought of you. "You can go inside Cas."

Cas nodded as he pat Dean in the back. "I'll be inside."

Dean stared at the floor, the rain completely drenching him. His hair was matted to his head and a slight breeze made his teeth chatter but he couldn't move. He had to stay around just a bit more. His eyes were glued to the ash on the floor. He took a deep breath as his fingers fumbled with his wedding band, trying to figure out what to say. “I know I said I’d tell you about my nightmare later but I think now is a good time. You’ll probably laugh but it started with me and Sammy..”

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[zmediaoutlet]

I'd love to hear some of your thoughts about Nightmare Logic being a bad episode!

I'm trying to get better about answering asks/comments (ignore the terrifying creaking noises of my various overstuffed inboxes), so let me copy-paste some of my thoughts from that weekend on the pablum-shading-to-infuriating episode that is Nightmare Logic.

***

zmediaoutlet — 11/12/2018 Sam is not an idiot, and that sort of brings me to the whole problem with the episode for me: everything it's predicated on is either wrong or dumb. [7:43 AM] We don't care about Maggie at all, so balancing the whole thing on their worry for her is wildly thin; nu!Bobby holds about as much interest for me as wallpaper paste; the Mary/Bobby relationship is meh. I don't care about MotW 80% of the time, so spending so much time on the hunt itself doesn't work for me, especially when it's incoherent and also not remotely dangerous. [7:45 AM] So you've decided to do a new kind of djinn hunt, fine. Why is Mr Elaborate Nightmare Builder sending cartoonish versions of his first victim after strangers? Wasn't this advertised as a "woooorst niiiightmaaare" hunt? Okay, Maggie got something generic, fine, that fits her perfectly; why did Dean get the exact same thing? Why did Sam? Why did Daughter get a cartoon vampire, while Bobby got like a 10 point hit-you-over-the-head blunt nightmare scenario so we could learn backstory? And Mary got nothing at all, because I guess she was just there to provide support for her man? [7:47 AM] I'm not going to say the whole thing was horrible end to end--I did like the little convo between Mary and Sam in the woods because the awkwardness of it did feel naturalistic; I liked the mystery of whatever Dean's nightmares are 'hurting' (?) the djinn [tho see prev. paragraph again; how the hell did it get so detailed with Bobby with presumably minimal physical contact--ugh, whatever]. The writing was just so flawed in so many different ways, and in ways that would have been easy to fix had the writer bothered to put more than the bare minimum of thought into it. Like a lot of shitty fics, that way--"I had a neat idea! I'll just surge ahead on that one idea without bothering to support it at all." (The idea clearly being backstory for Bobby, and slopping on 37 more pointless minutes to fill time.)* [7:47 AM] I tried to see if I could get a refund on Amazon, but unfortunately no. [7:48 AM] Also, the one decent Sam-and-Dean scene was a rehash of old shit. Just to add insult to injury. [7:51 AM] but, per my "try not to dwell" philosophy, at least it is a good example of what not to do, as a writer. ...

*(I guess to be fair, point A is Bobby's backstory, but point B is 'somehow we're supposed to believe Sam is struggling with the leadership role, again'. Please stop going back to that well. It was dry when they tried to bring it up in s12, it's even drier now. Sam is good at this. They don't need to keep selling us on it.) If the goal with the episode was: a) they want us to learn Bobby's kinda boring backstory, b) see the Super Hunter Squad struggling with inexperience, and c) prove somehow that Sam wants to find Michael... even though this had nothing to do with Michael... ???... -- it was accomplished, in a way. in the same way that throwing a bucket of paint at a house is technically considered 'painting it' I don't think I'm gonna get turned around on this one, I'm still pissed that I paid money for it. It was bad in a different way to some of the other bad episodes, though, which is interesting to think about. Some of them are bad on execution--the Michael/Lucifer marionette parade comes to mind--whereas this one was bad from premise. Like LOTUS.

So, in rereading all that... yep, I still hate it, lol. It has some moments of brief competence -- a few scenes and moments that work -- but it's a great example of the things I hated most about the Dabb era, especially s14, to wit:

1) Sam and Dean should actually matter in an episode and arc and you're completely failing to make this show which is about them about them

2) where tf are the emotional consequences of anything, why did Michael not matter at all, jesus christ

3) please stop trying to convince me after the past 12ish years that Sam is stupid and incompetent.

and, for good measure, 4) who gives a fuck about beret Bobby???

[smol-and-grumpy]

Cross My Heart - CH.18

Pairing: Bodyguard!Dean x Reader; Chuck Shurley x Reader

Summary: After opening up a letter, the life as she knows it, changes forever. Her husband hires Dean Winchester to protect her but is Dean really who he said he was? And is her husband really worried about her safety?

Warnings: Fluff

WC: 2068

A/N: This is it. The end. Again. I’m always so sad when a story ends. Please, please let me know what you think about it. Feedback keeps me going. Thank you for reading the 18 chapters. I know it was a lot. I apparently can’t write short series anymore. 

SERIES MASTERLIST

Y/N has offered to pay and cover for Cas’ expenses if he wants to stay here while Dean’s still in the hospital — she got her bag with her things back too, because Bobby came in to see Dean before he left, and left her bag with Dean. She’s a little sad she missed Bobby, hadn’t really got to officially meet that man that Dean’s so fond of. He came in when Cas and her were out to find her some pants. Cas politely declined, though, because he needs to get back for his new job as a car salesman. 

She can imagine him selling a lot of cars to single women, to be honest. He has that charming smile and eyes that are blue as a clear sky on a sunny day.

*

The next day, when she goes in to see Dean, he’s already sitting up and talking on the phone. She slips into the room and sits on the empty chair beside him. 

He’s doing incredibly good for someone who almost died. It’s only the wound on his stomach that’s still hurting and he’s on painkillers. The doctor’s are happy with the progress he makes, and said that it’s rare that they see someone with his wounds recover that well. Guess Dean’s a super human, at least that’s what he is to her. 

Dean’s frowning while he talks but he smiles at her with his eyes, she can see it clearly. She likes that, likes the way he smiles and she’s able to see the smile reaching his eyes. It’s so rare to see that in a person. 

Y/N takes out her new phone which she bought this morning and begins to set it up while she waits for Dean to finish his call. She can hear that he’s talking to Benny.

She knows what Benny's telling him because she went in to see Benny this morning, as he’s still in town to wrap the case up. 

Apparently, Chuck’s company isn’t doing well (surprise!), and he’s close to losing it. And instead of selling or getting investors on board, he decides that it would be easier to kill off his own wife. She’s glad that her soon to be ex-husband is facing life in jail, to be honest. Because that’s what Benny has told her. They’ve got a strong case and the chances of Chuck ever getting out of jail alive, are slim to non-existent. That’s good. Really good. It’s just, she doesn’t look forward to going up into the witness stand. Especially when they could bring up her relationship with Dean, which could lead to other suspicions and would raise more questions, but knowing Dean, he’s going to be great in the courtroom. It’s her that’s going to need some coaching.

“Yeah,” Dean says, “Thanks for everything man. I owe you. Of course. Yeah, we should. Okay, bye.”

He hangs up and rubs at his ears. He’s probably been on the phone for a while, “Benny says hi.”

“I like Benny,” She says, looking up from her phone to grin at him.

“Yeah?”

“He ties with Cas on the list of my favorite people.” She shrugs.

Dean raises his eyebrows, “Who tops the list?” 

“Um,” She says, pretending to think, “There’s this guy.”

“Yeah?” He pats at the space next to him on the bed and she gets up and sits closer to him. He rubs over her thighs. Up and down.

“Yeah,” She smiles, “He’s quite alright. He took care of me so that brings him to the top of my list.”

Dean chuckles, pulls her closer by the neckline of her shirt to kiss her. 

He breaks from it and grins, before his face gets serious, “Jesus, I love you so much, you know that? It terrifies me. I’ve never felt anything like it.”

He’s so blunt about it, it blows her mind. Her cheeks start to flare up. 

“Me neither.” She says, because it’s true. What she thought was love? What she had at the beginning with Chuck? It was never like this. She leans forward, kisses him, smells him, tastes him, and smiles against his lips, “So, will you do the honor of being the first number I’ll save into my new phone?” She grins, holds the phone out for him to punch in his digits. 

Dean chuckles, takes the phone and thumbs over it, writes his name. When he’s done, he hands it to her and she looks at the contact.

“D?” She looks at him, “D. This is all you wanna be known as?” 

He shrugs, “Yeah, I don’t like people knowing everything about me.”

“But D, ugh.”

“Hey, I could have written The best D you ever had but that would have been inappropriate.” There’s a cocky grin on his face.

She sighs, “Fine, but ugh, I wanna put a heart next to it at least. So I won’t mix you up with all the other D’s that I’ll be having on my phone.”

“Hey!” Dean has to laugh, and is now holding his stomach and then he tries to think of something not funny, she can tell, because his lips are pressed into a thin line and after a couple of breaths, he manages to calm down. After a couple more minutes of even breathing, he reaches over to get his phone, and hands it to her, “I need your number too.”

“Why? Will you send me a dick pic?” 

Dean snorts at that and she can’t help but giggle. He’s holding his stomach again, and maybe she should really not be a pain in his ass. She just can’t help it and seize the opportunity when it’s there.

He raises one eyebrow then, “Would you like me to send you a dick pic?”

She should have known that karma will get her, because now, the one who’s blushing is her. With a shrug, she says, “It depends who’s dick it is,” 

“What do you mean, who’s dick it is? I don’t have pictures of other dicks. At least I don’t think I do,” He grins, pretending to think and she rolls her eyes.

Grabbing his phone out of his hands while he’s still lost in thought, she gets off the bed and begins to type in her number, had to search for it on the receipt she got, because she can’t really remember it by heart. But when she finishes, she sits back on the empty space she just left and hands the phone back to Dean, a grin so wide, like she’s really proud of it.

Y/N watches as Dean looks at his phone. His eyebrows meet in the middle and there’s a slight lift of one of them. 

“BAE LOML? So many hearts?” Dean looks from the phone to her and she really, really tries not to laugh. “What does that even mean?”

“You could google it?”

“I don’t think I want to know,” Dean places his phone back on the charger and turns his attention back to her, “I’ve talked to Sammy this morning.” 

Ah, he’s changing the subject because he’s embarrassed that he probably quite likes the name she just gave herself. At least it doesn’t seem like he would want to change it.

“Yeah?”

“He’s going to handle your divorce. If you still want to divorce that son of a bitch, that is,” Dean pauses, pulls her into him, so that she’s half on the bed and half on top of him on the side that he’s not hurt, “Which, I would hope that you will, because he’s kind of a dick.”

She has to chuckle.

“Sam’s going to prepare all the paperwork so the only thing you have to do is signing it.” Dean kisses her forehead.

“I will,” She nods her head. She wants to do it. Wants to move forward.

He looks at her, his hand tucks away a loose strand of her hair, “Do you want to go back to your house after all this? Live in the city?”

It’s the first time that he mentions the life after this nightmare. Honestly, she never thought about it. She doesn’t know what to do with her life at all.

“No, I don’t want to go live in that house anymore.” She says. She couldn’t possibly go back. There are too many memories. It’s too big, it’s too fancy. It’s too Chuck. Plus, she doesn’t have anything in the city anymore that could hold her there. No friends, no family, no Chuck. 

Dean’s smirking, it’s probably the answer he was anticipating to hear, “Can you imagine coming back with me?”

“Well,” She says and Dean’s smile turns into a straight line. She really doesn’t want to play with him when he’s still recovering, but it’s so easy to rile him up, “I don’t know,” She sighs, for the dramatic, “You’d have to buy me a drink first, I’m not that easy, Dean.” 

“Jesus fucking Christ, you almost gave me a heart attack,” He mumbles, curses some more but then he grins, kisses her lips bruisingly hard.

“Ugh, Liz won’t like me living there, though.” 

“Liz doesn’t really like anyone, and besides, that’s her problem and not yours.” Dean scoffs.

“She likes you.” 

“Baby,” Dean holds her face between his palms, squishing at her cheeks so she has a fish mouth and then he grins, “What do I have to do to make you see that you’re it? Huh?” He pecks her fish lips and then he lets go of her face, strokes her cheeks instead, and he gets serious again, “All I saw was you. I think I even dreamt of you when I was out and unconscious. And even in my dreams I made sure that you were okay. When I was there on the floor? I was angry at myself, you know? I was thinking that I was fucking stupid to have thought that Chuck wouldn’t have a back up plan. And when I heard the shot, I hoped and prayed that he didn’t shoot you.”

She says, leans in, nuzzles her nose against his stubbled jaw, “Okay, I move in with you.” Moving up on the bed a little, she lays on his shoulder, buries her face into the crook of Dean’s neck. 

“We could get a house. I mean, it won’t be as big as the one you’re used to living in but we can get a reasonably sized house in a reasonably good neighborhood.” 

She has to chuckle at that, “Sounds reasonably good. I don’t need big things.”

“That’s because I’m already quite big.” 

“Oh my god.”

“It’s Dean.”

Y/N punches his chest and he has to laugh and flinches at that. Good. He deserved it.

“Don’t you think it’s too soon, though? I mean, we don’t know each other for very long,” The question is not really weird? Is it? It’s true, they know each other for what? Two weeks tops? She doesn’t really know anymore but it feels like a lifetime. Although it’s only a question to rile him up a little more.

“I think I know you better than I know anyone else.” Dean says, and adds, “But I’m not pressuring you. I just wanna add that I’m here no matter what and you should know that by now.” 

She smiles, it’s so easy with him really, “If you know me, you should know that I’m ready to follow you anywhere by now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Dean places a soft kiss on her lips, “You let me keep you?”

She nods with a smile, “Promise me that you will,”

“Cross my heart,” Dean huffs out a breath, kisses her again, it’s soft and tender, pours all his love into it and she feels it. Feels it too. Feels the butterflies, feels the little bubbles getting bigger in her heart. And she thinks that Dean’s right. Sometimes things do happen for a reason. She looks forward to a new future, it might not be gold and glitter, but that’s not what she wants anyway. She wants someone who sees her as his equal, she wants someone who treats her right, who makes her want to be the best version of herself. She wants someone who can make her laugh, she wants someone who has her back, no matter what. She wants Dean.

FIN

[caffiine]

A BRIEF PAUSE

From my regularly scheduled content. I’ve got some shit to say, y’all (forewarning for spicy language and spoilers)

I thought about making this post on my fandom subblog but this show and this relationship have been TOO important to me for the past 8 years to not give it its proper place in my life. strap in bc im not sure how long this mf is about to be.

When i started this DUMB show at age 19 tortured soul “empath” dark academia me thought sam winchester was going to be my favourite character. and don’t @ me, i love sam now in his own right (and we deserve some SAILEEN PEOPLE). but after literally less than 5 episodes i KNEW dean’s character and his arc were going to be amazing and beautiful and he immediately became my favourite brother. The nuances of his character i.e. his shell vs his true self were so evident to me even in the first couple seasons. in my humble opinion, he had the most growth of the two brothers.

They all deserve to be happy, but for whatever FUCKING reason dean has the HARDEST TIME OF ANYONE being happy in this show. I know it’s his character. I know it was written that way. But FFS.  I kept wondering when they were going to wrap up his emotional arc and stop torturing the poor dude.

then in season 4 they introduced castiel and 1) I thought the new concept of angels as assholes was super cool and 2) I hardcore SIMPED over misha collins (still do). I watched benignly as cas and dean began to form this relationship that seemed pretty special. I started watching the show when it was in its eighth season and I binged the shit out of it for two weeks until I was caught up. By the time I was caught up I was CERTAIN there were some feelings between them and I LOVED it. I am bisexual and I was ECSTATIC for a potential queer relationship between two masculine-portrayed dudes. I went on tumblr to express my newfound theory, only to find out that this was a real THING. “Destiel” was already an idea that had absolutely and intensely BLOSSOMED in the fandom  for several seasons already. So many others saw what I saw and saw the potential of emotionally tortured/constipated “daddy’s blunt instrument” dean and the unfeeling daddy’s boy cas “crack in his chassis” Winchester being allowed to be happy together. I felt validated and hopeful. For a while.

Then it was season after season of hopefulness for them to be finally happy with each other while still fighting the ills of their world with sam and the other new members of their family that were added along the way, only to constantly have that hope seemingly teased away at the end every single time. By season 11 and the introduction of amara (not bashing, eventually loved her character and her development too) I gave up. I lost hope. I stopped watching the show. I didn’t want to keep watching my two favourite characters continuously abused by the story they were thrown into.

I know not everyone likes destiel, not everyone thought it was real. That’s chill, idc. Stories are so often meant to be (and sometimes inadvertently) left up to interpretation by the person experiencing and consuming them. It’s what’s so amazing about books and shows and movies that are able to make us feel so intensely about them and their characters. And I felt SO strongly about dean and cas. It was honestly really upsetting to me, the way the show was going with their relationship.

A while later season 13 had been going on and I started seeing some things pop up on my dash. Hopeful things. I did a bit of research and accidentally saw THE SCENE from season 12 and I couldn’t help myself. I restarted it. I watched the whole thing from the beginning again AND introduced it to my boyfriend I think partially as a way to ensure I wasn’t imagining shit (it took him awhile and a lot of me internally screaming during many scenes but by season 9 he was like “uh are they in gay love”). Fast forward to me finally catching up as season 14 was starting. I was still hopeful, somehow. And it happened AGAIN. Season 14 and the beginnings of 15 made me so sad. I HATED what they did with their relationship. I HATED the way it ended. I HATED the way dean treated cas and everyone around him. It felt like the show was taking his whole character arc back to day 1. I didn’t understand. I kept watching for a couple episodes after the big argument and cas left but the luster was gone and eventually I just stopped.

I love this show. It has meant so much to me as a story. So many of the characters are/were very dear to me. I know it’s a running joke with this show about character deaths and homophobia but the strength of the bond I felt was between cas and dean gave me a lot of hope. But it wasn’t enough. I felt betrayed one too many times. And for those of you who kept watching, for whatever reason, I don’t hold it against you. It’s still a beautiful and interesting story without cas and dean’s relationship. But I just personally couldn’t do it anymore.

I hadn’t planned on watching the rest of season 15 when it came back after pandemic hiatus, at least not for awhile. So imagine my FUCKING surprise when I was doom scrolling through twitter during election week on Thursday and I see supernatural trending right along with election shit.

What.

I couldn’t stop myself, I looked and literally SCREAMED and made my boyfriend spill his wine all over our couch. I didn’t know exactly what happened as I hadn’t seen the episode but APPARENTLY all my emotions and feelings had been at least partially vindicated. So I BOUGHT season 15 so I could finish watching where I had left off. I watched 8 episodes in less than 24hrs (don’t judge me there’s a quarantine) and I LIKED them. And it might’ve been bc I knew what was about to happen in 15 x18 but I really felt like the show was getting STRONGER as it neared its finish.

I was so excited for 15x19. I read so many posts from fellow fans, destiel and antis alike. There really weren’t a lot of bad emotions running around. Everyone seemed hopeful and excited like me.

I probably don’t need to go over 15x19 emotions but im going to anyway. I was disappointed. I was confused. I was angry. we are in season 15. The last season ever for this show that has had a HUGE following of fans who have loved it, sometimes unconditionally, sometimes even though it wasn’t the best (and sometimes less than good). A season and show that had just announced YES. CAS LOVES DEAN. ITS REAL. And I shouldn’t have to go over the nuances of why we would expect more after this, with two episodes to go before the show is done forever.

But I will bc im mad af.

Like I said in the beginning. Dean’s character arc has been incredible. His emotional growth – as subtle as it might’ve seemed – has been amazing. And dean has always been an emotional, loving person. he just felt like he wasn’t because the world made him feel that way. And that’s sad, y’all. Dean deserves to realize he DESERVES happiness. And in 15x18, we were finally heading basically directly there. With destiel, yes, but even if you’re anti, what cas said to dean about who he is and why he loves him obviously struck a fucking chord with dean. It obviously changed the way he viewed himself (RE: “that’s not who I am, that’s not who we are”).

But for WHATEVER reason that’s ALL we got in 15x19. One fucking SENTENCE about dean realizing maybe he’s not just built to kill people. And then jack leaves without a single mention of Eileen or cas or Charlie or literally anyone they ever cared about and dean rode off into the sunset alone with his brother while we watched a fucking FIVE MINUTE MONTAGE that made me want to hurl my own body into the sun they were driving toward. And cas is STILL DEAD.

BUT THERE’S STILL ONE EPISODE LEFT AND FUCK ME IF I HAVENT BEEN PAINTING ON MY CLOWN MAKEUP ALL WEEK. SO WHAT DO I WANT????

ONE: DEAN DESERVES HAPPINESS. REAL HAPPINESS. What the FUCK supernatural??? Wasn’t this the whole point of his arc??? And don’t get me wrong I REALLY want that happiness to come from Cas and a real spoken relationship of some sort between them bc it also ties in with my second point but tbh just PLEASE let dean be happy. Dean is a loving person and does everything for love as we JUST FOUND OUT. Dean would NOT be happy with everyone he’s ever loved gone for the rest of his life. I just don’t believe that’s fucking true. h elp him pls.

TWO: CAS DESERVES HAPPINESS. I know we got this whole speech about “happiness isn’t in the having it’s simply in being”  but like. Really. Castiel was supposed to be a throwaway character no one was supposed to care about. But we all cared SO MUCH that he lasted 11 SEASONS longer than intended and became a main character and an integral part of the story. Cas has arguably sacrificed more than anyone on this show. His last act was to sacrifice his life to save the man he loved. He knew where he was going. He knew he was finally going to be able to tell dean he loved him and then immediately be taken by the empty where we know now thanks to season 15 that everyone in there just gets to dream forever about their regrets and sadness. HOW IS THAT FAIR. HOW IS THAT A GOOD ENDING FOR CAS. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE – CHARACTERS AND FANS ALIKE –TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. Its messed up, supernatural. Y’all KNOW it is and I hope to HIGH HEAVENS this is going to be corrected in 15x20.

THREE: give sam Eileen back. 

Well that’s all I’ve got in me, folks. I’m absolutely and intensely dreading Thursday. Im scared and nervous and obviously still angry that this is absolutely going to be the opposite of what they promised – another “game of thrones” ending. Some of y’all are giving me hope with your posts about maybe they’re trying to keep the ending a surprise and maybe cas is coming back and how can they not and why else would they have done the second to last episode like that and I hope yall are right.

Either way, im glad I am not alone with my feelings. Thanks yall for the experience of this fandom and show. Let’s stick together on Thursday, no matter our differences.

 PS stop calling jensen ackles a homophobe or ill hex you. 

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

I know we are all discussing the latest episode of Season 16, but I need to wrap up 11 for my own sanity (because there is a LOT to discuss in my Season 12 rewatch already), so without further ado - more rambling for you.

I’m not going to include 11x20: Don’t Call Me Shurley because I think I’d like to do an entire Chuck - arc - series.  Rob Benedict is a gift; that dad mug kills; and I love that the fan theories about Chuck spinning around this fandom for years turned out to be correct after all (WEIRD HOW THAT HAPPENS WITH CHARACTERS EH).  Moving on.

As you will recall, two recaps and many many many crackhead other posts from my corner of super hell ago, I ended the 11x18 recap with this image of Amara realizing...”something” after Dean said Cas’s name (just before she took Casifer with her), Dean/Amara unbreakable connection be damned. Speaking of unbreakable connection this post is partially the AMARA DISSERTATION.  Buckle up.

FF to 11x21: All in the Family; the boys are shooting the shit with Chuck and in the meantime, Amara is torturing Casifer.  Important to note that just recently the actual Cas was enlightened that Dean wants him to cast Lucifer out, so I presume he is a little more active at this point, and that strengthens the following hypothesis.  Look how Amara is looking at Casifer here:

And here, right before she touches him on the chest.

It’s the same look she gave Dean. She’s trying to decipher something; trying to figure something out. 

She appears to Dean in the VERY next scene, to show him how she is torturing Casifer.  But the real point is, of course, to show him how its affecting the physical form of Cas, reminding him its not just Lucifer who is suffering.  It works.  

DEAN 

Amara is – she's in my head. [Sam looks at him sharply] Hey, I didn't ask for it, okay? She just showed up. But she's showing me visions of – of Lucifer. By Lucifer, I mean Cas, and he looks like crap – like she's really doing a number on him.

***Note, yet again, despite the *connection* Amara/Dean supposedly share, all he can think about and talk about is Cas.

And Amara knows it.  That’s the realization she has in 11x18.  Dean loves Cas.  Then, in 11x21 she realizes Cas loves Dean.  So, she uses it to her own ends.  Smart girl.  

Enter Donatello (I love him), prophet of (not) the Lord.  He, Metatron, and Sam set out to rescue Casifer while Dean distracts Amara.  If we start with the presumption she now has the prior additional insight, the following snippets of dialogue hit a little different.

AMARA

This place, this world hasn't been especially easy for you. Why not at least consider my offer?

*********

DEAN

You're right. I am drawn to you. And it bothers the hell out of me, 'cause I can't control it.

AMARA

Then why fight it? What you're feeling is that I am the end of your struggle. 

***AHEM, this was not the FACE CUPPING I requested.

What keeps Dean from having it all?  What is his struggle?  It’s not the monsters or the hunting.  Dean’s repeatedly shown he loves this life; he doesn't want anything else (and the one time he did try it in Season 6, it was half-ass at best, and he left the minute Sam returned to go back to hunting).  Dean’s KEY struggle in the show is internal.  He represses his feelings, pushes his pain aside, resulting in a cycle of self-loathing and anger.  That cycle keeps him from having it all - accepting he can be loved, allowing himself to give his heart to someone else.  And at this point, Amara not only knows that someone else is Cas, she knows that Cas feels the same way.  Girl, welcome to super hell.  Take a damn seat by Sam.

11x22: We Happy Few

I’ll skim through this one so this post doesn’t completely make your eyes bleed due to the sheer length.  

The splicing with the scenes of everyone assembling different factions to form the new “line-up” needed to trap Amara is excellent. I’ve already done a short post on the brilliance of Dean heading to get Crowley and the ex-boyfriend mood of it all (Dean, of all people, telling Crowley to sober up gives me an ENTIRE head canon of the Crowley/demon!Dean unseen dynamic in Season 10).   And of COURSE Dean knows exactly what to say to convince Crowley to get on board. I also enjoy our future Sam-witch as the emissary to Rowena (”three’s a coven” would be a great tattoo, TBH).

BONUS:

I love her.

Big fight scene with Amara ensues, but this isn’t the finale so she cannot be beaten.  However, right before she mortally wounds Chuck, she does this:

[Yelling, LUCIFER charges her from behind again, but AMARA flings him hard against a support pillar across the room.]

AMARA

Goodbye, nephew.

[She banishes LUCIFER. CASTIEL slumps unconscious to the floor.]

DEAN: Cas! 

(He rushes AMARA, but she flings him away without effort.)

***She banishes Lucifer.  She could have just killed him.  Ended him entirely, and Cas along with him.  But she BANISHES LUCIFER.  Because of what she learned in the prior episode.  Because of the pain she saw in both of those idiots.

She does this for Dean.

Anyway, thank you Casifer FOR YOUR SERVICE.  I miss you already.

11x23: Alpha and Omega

There is nothing more precious than Dean sending his brother to check on GOD while he goes to check on his boyfriend:

DEAN: [Grunting]

Check on him.

SAM: [kneels next to Chuck]

Hey. Chuck?

[Dean kneels down next to Cas and puts a hand on his shoulder. Cas stirs and looks up at Dean]

CAS:

Dean.

DEAN:

Cas? Hey, is that you?

***All the heart eyes for the reunion!!

*********ALSO SHOULDERRRRRRRR

Chuck is dying, Rowena bonds with him.  Crowley is gold in this finale.  I MISS YOU MARK.  This line is NOT in the transcript/script I used, and it potentially being ad libbed makes it even better.

Dean decides to deal with the end of the world by drinking ONE beer, then deciding there is “not enough” beer and grabbing Cas for a beer (and....*feelings*) run.

DEAN:

You know what? This isn't gonna be enough. I better make a run.

[Sighs]

No reason to die sober, huh?

[to Sam]

You want to?

SAM: [frustrated] 

No!

*********************

DEAN:

Be right back.

SAM:

I'll stay here, find our Plan B.

DEAN:

Okay. Cas, come on.

Nothing makes me more pleased than the assumption that of COURSE Cas is coming with him.  I mean, he just got him back.  Also, Sam is frustrated because he is back in super hell, obvi ;)   

***Now we have the little “you’re our brother” bit in the Impala beer run dialogue, but to me it’s because Dean doesn’t know how else to express what he’s feeling.  Repression, people.  

The look of literal PAIN on Cas’s face at the “brother” line makes me cackle.  Misha Collins DESERVES AN EMMY; he is doing the Lord’s work with his Acting Choices here.

This little part before is what really gets me though, especially with all of the WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:

[Dean and Cas are driving in the Impala]

DEAN:

How you doing? You good?

I mean, you know, the whole Lucifer thing.

CAS:

I was just... so stupid.

DEAN:

No, no, no. It wasn't stupid.

You were right. You were right to let Lucifer ride shotgun.

Me and Sam wouldn't have done that.

CAS:

Well, it didn't work.

DEAN:

No, but it was our best shot, and you stepped up.

CAS:

I was just trying to help.

DEAN:

Well, and you do help, Cas.

***ITS JUST SO LOVELY.  Dean asking Cas how he is doing (what Cas always asks Dean); telling Cas he wasn’t stupid (throwback to Cas telling Dean he was stupid “for the right reasons”); acknowledging that Cas does HELP.  That he is important and appreciated.  THIS IS SUCH GROWTH.  I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Speak his love language, King.

Anyway, then Dean turns into a human bomb because martyr!dean gonna martyr and be “daddy’s (Chuck filling that role here) blunt little weapon” and we get -

THE DESTIEL GOODBYE. Tell me they didn’t actually go canon for the FIRST time here.  I will fight you.

LOOK at Cas watching him in the background. 

These fucking desolate eyes. I’m crying.

THEY JUST GOT EACH OTHER BACK -  

(I recognize this .gif is meh quality but I love that he turns and walks to him and Cas just GRABS him in this crushing hug)

DEAN [accepts the hug good-naturedly but then looks sad]

Okay, okay.

***”good naturedly??? ok Jensen “Acting Choices” Ackles. That is not “good nature” that is BLISS.

AND THEN THIS -

SOBS IN ENOCHIAN.

***I literally had to remind myself that the reunion hug is coming; it’s just an episode away.  I’ll make y’all feel better too; here it is - A PERFECT PARALLEL. Curse this show.

MORE OF THIS “GOOD NATURED” HUGGING PLEASE.

Anyways, back to depressing subtext.  

DEAN:

Okay, look. I want a big funeral.

All right? I'm talking epic.

Okay? Open bar, choir, Sabbath cover band, and Gary Busey reading the eulogy.

*****This scene lives in my mind rent-free as PROOF 15x20 doesn’t exist.

I can’t skip over further growth in Dean’s goodbye to Sammy.

***He’s being serious. Seasons 1-3 Dean would never have admitted this.  I was a blubbering mess at this point.

So, Dean heads to Amara, and the rest of the gang heads to the bar.

CROWLEY:

Your round, Moose.

***I would love an entire bottle episode of Crowley, Sam, Rowena, and Chuck at that bar TBH.

And then, Dean saves the day.  BUT NOT by dying and sacrificing himself, letting himself be used as a weapon of mass destruction.  No, he fixes the DAMN WORLD by connecting to Amara emotionally, and bringing her and Chuck back together, because he understands that not to be alone is what she really needs; that her own struggle is the same as his - letting in love instead of raging against it and fighting her own need for companionship.   Because that’s where ELDEST SIBLING AMARA AND Dean Winchester CONNECT.  Amara isn’t in love with Dean.  She identifies with Dean.  She sees her own feelings in him, her own pain, and that’s why she exorcises Lucifer and saves Cas - FOR Dean.  Amara’s just a Dean girl, everyone.   And we know Dean girls protect Cas at all costs.

Yup.  Amara Dean Girl Darkness Heller.  

That’s it.  That’s the dissertation.

See you in Season 12, where I will attempt to figure out the reason behind the British Men of Letters, killing Hitler, the brain melt that is Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox, the comedy of errors that is Cas playing Dean hot and cold, and the Mary Winchester of it all. 

[isabeladraws]

harrington fam doodles 🌿🌟🌻 big headcanon dump below | ko-fi

jett phoenix harrington, air & metal att

thief player and very good at it (becomes captain eventually)

not so academic but get's good enough grades (beckett still pushes him a lot)

 loves to travel (one year he suddenly hates it)

 him and selene are T R O U B L E M A K E R S

 mischevious and playful

 knows the deans office like the palm of his hand

 popular at school

 takes every opportunity to show off like his mom

 sunday's clumsy twin

 cry baby

 runs hot and biggest cuddler

 loves animals. he would always bring an injured animal home to nurse them back to health

 sporty and energetic, can't sit still for very long

 kind and open minded

 has sunday’s chaoticness with none of becketts caution lol

 wears his heart on his sleave

 beckett was the only one that could calm him as a baby

he starts to thrive academically at penderghast after picking his major (there was a lot of comotion surrounding this because beckett wanted him to choose the right path and be involved but the friction in their relationship made it seem beckett was disappointed and frustrated with jett instead)

selene maeve harrington, air & wood att

daddy's girl tm

can do no wrong in becketts eyes

very good at school with not much effort

teachers love her. sunday taught her all the tricks

 her favorite subject is natural studies, anything with herbology and potions

butterflies are her motif

 veeeery michisvious and is never caught. atlas taught her a few tricks to get past professors/beckett (she cant fool sunday though)

 appears to be unapproachable but is very loving

 atlas is her favorite person

 loves to garden & animals (bugs especially)

 bff with shreya's daughter (shreya and atlas may or may not be married in my headcanon)

she likes to travel and meet new people/species

 keeps a journal that is spelled to leave you smelling like farts for 48h if you (jett) try to read it

 has sunday's chaoticness with becketts caution/awareness

 morning person, loves to watch the sunrise

 loveees to dance and beckett is more than eager to be her teacher and dance partner

 has beckett's snobby/expensive taste

 pro at skiing

 she hates how often dad pulls out his philosophy major card to scold them for using their powers on each other (they all do tbh)

 she names her plants

very curious bub

marlow archie harrington, water & metal att

the baby tm

a bit of a wallflower compared to his siblings

beckett sees a lot of himself in marlow

loovees water related books

enjoys being near the water a lot

has very specific interests, like we'll just spit out random facts at the dinner table and beck and sunday look at each other like ?? 

he takes long ass baths (very particular with his bath bombs too)

he can be a bit blunt and rude if he's flustered and with strangers

atlas taught him how to breathe underwater and he spends a lot of time exploring

the merpeople love him, he brings them snacks

mister know it all, the smarty pants

beckett doesn't seem to be as hard on him as he is with jett

lowkey hates to travel

he enjoys routine and being in familiar places

observant and forgetful

big video game fan

he's better at metal than jett but jett has a better grasp of other attunements than he does 

loves to sleep with his parents and it was a habit hard to kill

asked for a fish tank for xmas but felt bad for the fish so he released them in the middle of the night

he's the one that figures out the triplets together can make sun magick

sunday & beckett's grocery shopping buddy

loves to cook

vegetarian

he doesn’t have freckles like his siblings, just a bunch of moles

sunday & beckett as parents 

not sure what their jobs would be (i would love to hear your thoughts on magickal jobs?) beckett maybe would have a job that he could do anywhere since his major is magick philosophy? sunday i think could go on to do thief professionally for a while but quits after getting pregnant. i don't think she'd want to go back afterwards. i wish we had more info what could be done post uni or an idea of the majors we could take. i could see both of them teaching later in life though. 

in my mind, they travel aaaaa lottt. like maybe twice a year would be least they travel. sunday wants to see the attunned world and beckett is more than happy to give her that. they both love exploring and gives them opportunity to be espontaneous and nerdy at the same time. beckett loves teaching sunday about things he always knew growing up but she's only now discovering. it started when sunday was asked to join a pro thief team and beckett was studying away for his masters. they'd take mini trips almost every 2 months to escape their lives and have these unforgetable memories. they got the bug and never stopped since. 

sunday after getting pregnant - which i think they were parents quite young at 25 - she wants to stay with her kids, beckett too, and they both find this need to be home all the time. they want to be there 24/7 and not leave the kids with nannies or babysitters. do not get me wrong, they ask the pend pals and the family to watch them frequently for sanity and date nights. beckett officially went back to work after 1 year of staying home, he started working properly after 8 months of the triplets being born though. sunday didn't mind being at home with them. she found motherhood to be the greatest code she could ever crack. 

around 6 months of the babies being born, beckett and sunday tried to travel for a few days to a nearby lake town. there, they discovered marlow's affinity to water. they had a hunch, the kid loved bath time but being in untamed water sparked something in him. after that, they decided to keep travelling, to take their kids exploring. they went on a trip almost every 2 months after that. beckett went back to work and it was time to adjust a little and slow down.

sunday became an avid photographer. they had filled out 3 albums in a year. "they grow so fast!!" she would say when beckett made fun of her after pulling out the camera.

as you can tell, they travel a lot. after the kids get a big bigger, they try to stay places a bit longer, so they can really explore. they do settle when the kids reach school-age, but keep travelling during weekends, school breaks, etc. i think they'd make big moves every 3 years, until officially settling in in their forever home, before the kids join penderghast. (this could change, depending on their jobs. but yeah u get the gist)

sunday cant cook for shit when she becomes a mom. beckett is much better at that. she becomes better bc she cant lose to her husband, of course. the kids will say they prefer her food now over his.

WHEN DO THEY GET MARRIED? who knows folks jdsngk (secretly eloping after graduating penderghast?)

surprisingly, sunday is the one with an iron fist. she sets rules like cleaning up, curfew, no using their powers to hit or fight each other, etc and she’s the one the kids don't want to defy the most. beckett gets annoyed easily but settles down fast and lets them go do everything in the end. sunday doesn't disapprove of them exploring and doing kid stuff but she has a bit of fear given what atlas has been through.

sunday is the ultimate soccer mom. the kid's biggest cheerleader

beckett teaches the kids yoga super early, marlow and selene find it very relaxing

beckett makes the triplets wear penderghast's uniform

sunday packs them regular clothes so they can wear wtv they want when they aren’t visiting (beckett made a surprise visit once so now they have a backup uniform in their bags at all times)

every sunday of the month is tuneless food day. (get it) they usually also make trips to tuneless cities during weekends to get even more in the mood.

sunday and beckett collect postcards from wherever they go. they have a big wall full of mementos and family photos.

(i haven't decided on familiars for the kids and i kinda want a new type for selene *coughs* butterfly *coughs*)

sunday starts some homeschooling with the kids. being attuned to every element has its perks and she enjoys teaching them spells. they’re quite advanced for kids their age, magick wise

[itsbenedict]

Two-Faced Jewel: Session 1-B

(Part B, for length- see Part A first.)

Zero and @eternalfarnham are Looseleaf and Saelhen du Fishercrown, a mothfolk animist and a half-elf conwoman whose travels take them to Blacksky University, where the discovery of an unknown magical artifact sets them on the path to discovering the secrets of a shattered world.

Saelhen du Fishercrown has just involuntarily bonded with a magical bracer under false pretenses. The deans of the School of Natural Arts and the School of Arcane Arts have reached a compromise- send Looseleaf (equipped with a wand of Locate Object) to keep an eye on her. None of this bodes well for her plan to skip town and pawn the thing- if she doesn't follow the magical arrow, it's going to be hard to explain.

So... she figures she might as well find out where it's pointing, and see if there's a way to remove it and/or shake her tail at the end.

Saelhen du Fishercrown:Saelhen is best served by seeming a bit silly, here. So I think she's going to follow the arrow directly and just straight-up cross over the fences. Looseleaf:Looseleaf fidgets a bit. "I mean, honor has to tarry for things like, classes, and stuff, occasionally, right?" "Not to mention, you still, like, need to do a whole interview." "And you can't just- like, at the least I'd want to get the campus news department involved, y'know, put this in the news and stuff, right?" Saelhen du Fishercrown:"I will be proud to answer any questions you have as we go, Madam Looseleaf." Saelhen approaches the campus fence and begins to struggle over it. Looseleaf:Looseleaf is only vaguely sure that this campus has anything like a newsletter, but something about this lady's insistency on walking off into the sunset as quickly as she can is making Looseleaf's antennae twitch, a little bit. "Uhhhhhh," Looseleaf says. "Okay, sure, then."

They take a pretty direct route to where the arrow's pointing. On the way, Looseleaf puts the screws to Saelhen by poking at her cover story.

Saelhen continues to roll crazy good on Deception, vs Looseleaf's History, and Looseleaf can't find any fault in Saelhen's staggeringly-detailed hand-calligraphied forgery.

Benedict I. (GM): So- it seems like this was written by someone who's at least read A Flawless History of the Elven Peoples cover to cover. There aren't any obvious contradictions, and a lot of supporting details- it's hard to believe someone could've just made all this up. Looseleaf: But, okay, wow, Looseleaf is... absolutely engrossed in this book. This is the good stuff. Benedict I. (GM): You're familiar enough with the vagaries of the biographical tradition that there could easily be creative reinterpretations or doctored facts in here, but you don't have any way to distinguish them from reality. Saelhen du Fishercrown: Saelhen keeps up a running commentary while they walk. Looseleaf: But presumably there is no mention of any kind of accession ritual? Saelhen du Fishercrown:Jack nothing! Looseleaf:And definitely nothing along the lines of a stone bracer being involved in some kind of ancestral spirit worship ritual.

Yeah, something's fishy here. But it's a long book, and it takes a long time to read, and before Looseleaf can get through it, the arrow starts to swerve.

The bracer seems to have lead them to Yoshimimoto Plaza, a wide pavilion in the middle of a ring of government buildings owned by the Oyashio Port Authority- the city's secular government. Saelhen recognizes the design as remarkably similar to the floor of the Ryokou Temple in Kanzentokai.

The Ryokou Temple, hundreds of years ago, was once a great hub of teleportation, where travelers from all over the world came and went. Thanks to teleportation magic, the concept of "cities" and "nations" and "regional governments" didn't make a lot of sense back then, and the world was something of a fragmentary monoculture featuring several different competing governments- distributed governments which claimed authority over their members, not over geographical territories.

(If you've read anything of the Terra Ignota series, they were basically like the hives.)

Two or three centuries ago, though, something called the Blackout occurred. Teleportation magic suddenly failed- planar travel broke, as did the teleportation hubs in each of the world's major cities. Suddenly, the world was shattered into geographically distant territories, which suddenly had to administer themselves without contact with the rest of the world. The world as it is today was shaped by the effects of this Blackout, and how people rebuilt.

Yoshimimoto Plaza, now an unremarkable empty square, used to be the city's teleportation hub.

Saelhen, following the arrow, touches the bracer to the center of this plaza, and all hell breaks loose.

The bricks underneath them all suddenly fall into a pit, landing about twenty feet down on a squishy surface that yields under the impact. Despite the cushioning, Saelhen takes 5 bludgeoning damage from the fall. (Looseleaf can feather-fall with her moth wings, so she's fine.)

So, what you've landed on... first and foremost, it smells. It smells of mildew and decay, of something sealed up and left to rot. The walls of the pit aren't dirt or stone- you're not sure what they are. They're gray-green and porous, interwoven with what might be vines. The floor has a ton of bricks on top of it, but where those bricks fell unevenly, you can see the floor is a mass of these squishy vines- or maybe tentacles, it's not entirely clear.

What's not fine is the old man who was feeding the pigeons on the plaza, who's broken his legs and is screaming for help. Also not fine are a couple of Oyashio Port Authority guards, who were chatting there and are now very perturbed.

Also not fine are the walls of this pit- they've got holes in them. Holes from which horrible little fleshy winged creatures are crawling:

These bloodsucking fiends claw their way out of the weird porous walls, and begin divebombing people with unholy shrieks.

The party rolls for initiative! Saelhen readies an action to intercept the enemy, and it's a good thing- she downs one of the stirges with a hidden blade when it gets close. (Looseleaf notes how suspicious it is that a noblewoman had a hidden blade up her sleeve.)

Looseleaf uses Rend Spirit on another one- a magical attack that uses animism as a blunt force weapon. The spirit of something is different from its soul- a living thing has a mind, but it also has a spirit, which is just sort of a semi-sentient magical handle on its body and the nature thereof. The spirit of something's muscles says "I want to expand and contract in response to nerve stimuli"- and Looseleaf can tell the muscles "No, you want to snfdkdfrksfjklafdr." The muscles' spirit gets real confused by this and tries to make its physical host do some snfdkdfrksfjklafdr, which makes no sense and results in chaotic flailing and tissue damage. Or, uh, "force damage", D&D's vaguest damage type.

She seizures the other stirge to death, but three more crawl their way out of the walls. Two go for the guards, who call for help and manage to take one down- but the third goes for the defenseless old man. Saelhen whiffs her thrown knife to intercept it, and the stirge buries its proboscis in the man's side and begins to drink.

Looseleaf: Holy shit, this woman is going to get people killed. Her nonsense- and probably confabulated- ancestral quest is going to get people killed.

Saelhen follows up by charging the stirge and slaying it- but four more stirges crawl out of the walls. There's no end to the damn things!

Looseleaf, who has wings, remembers them- and also remembers her starting gear! When do players ever do that? She gets out her 50 ft of rope and drops a rope ladder to help people escape.

The stirges are on the move, though- those not distracted by the guards go for Saelhen and Looseleaf. One of them gets through and impales Saelhen- who only had 6 hit points left after the fall damage, at level 1. It rolls well, and she goes down.

One of the guards grabs the old man and begins climbing out of the pit, just as reinforcements arrive with crossbows- but it's too late for Looseleaf, who gets herself divebombed by a stirge, which beats her AC and latches on. She tries to Rend Spirit it off her, but fails- and its next attack finishes her off. Meanwhile, Saelhen is still down in the pit being fed on, and rolls a critical failure on her first death save, counting as two failures! The party is completely KO'd by these horrible bloodsucking monsters they uncovered.

*

Luckily for them, they went down... in the middle of the administrative center of a highly populated city, surrounded by emergency services personnel who were actively trying to save them. As a result... they wake up in the hospital, not dead.

Looseleaf: "When the inquiries come in, I just want to make it clear, miss du Surplus," Looseleaf says in her hospital bed, "I do not know you and I do not know who you are and I am pretty sure that this is all your fault." Her antennae are swishing furiously, which is moth for 'fuck everything about this'. Saelhen du Fishercrown: "In my defense," says Saelhen, "I have no frigging idea why that bracelet summoned infinite bats, haha." "Ow."

It seems- from the chafing on her wrist- that someone tried to steal the bracer off her arm while she was unconscious, to no avail.

Saelhen du Fishercrown: "If your university wants it back, you're maybe going to have to use a cleaver. Ha ha. You know, I've actually been to places where they chop off your hand for stealing." Looseleaf: "You better hope they don't decide to chop off your arm," apparently Looseleaf's got more of a vindictive bent to her than you'd expect! "You folk only have two arms." Saelhen du Fishercrown: "Gonna be a super dishonorable wound." Looseleaf: "Yeah, we're dispensing with the whole, elegant elf politese thing entirely now, are we." "Not that it exactly made sense for a dignified hyper-polite elf to run around with a dozen daggers tied to them under the robes." Saelhen du Fishercrown: "For what it's worth, if you weren't dogging me so closely, I would have probably screwed off, tried to sell it, found out I couldn't and... I guess left town with the next circus. Amazing halfbreed with bad taste in jewelry." "But it's obviously not your fault, right? No idea your actions would lead to that." "Yeah, the mysterious maiden of the orient thing gets old after a while but so many people buy into it." "I am disowned, though, if it helps."

Saelhen pretty much spills all the beans to Looseleaf- and tries to lay out a plan for how they can both avoid taking the blame for this. Looseleaf is shocked that Saelhen has the audacity to try to keep up the con, after what happened- and horrified at the implication that she was somehow responsible for this.

Looseleaf:"You're thinking of trying to keep up the scam," Looseleaf says in disbelief. "By Harmony, you actually want to double down." Benedict I. (GM):"...suspects, wanted for...!" "...my students..." "...jured patients!" There's an argument happening outside your door. Looseleaf:"Oh, there it is," Looseleaf sighs. She folds her arms and looks up at the ceiling of the hospital room and resigns herself to be utterly annihilated by terrible inexorable fate.

The door opens, and in walks... uh. A nurse? It's a round tiefling woman dressed in... not so much a nurse's outfit as a sexy halloween costume of a nurse's outfit. It's... a lot. She seems to be playing the part of an actual medical professional, though, and after a quick checkup, asks which of their two guests they'd like to speak to first.

Who are these guests? Well, the first one is Provost Hamori, from the school. The drow lady. Something in Looseleaf's moth bones shudders as she enters the room and the trailing of her dress masks a skittering noise.

Luckily for them, the provost is very happy with them! Earth-shattering magical discoveries that unleash hordes of blood-sucking monsters on the populace of the city are not at all occasions to be mourned, in her opinion. There's so much new research to be done! It's exciting!

Plus, apparently, while they were out, refugees crawled their way out of the tentacle-floor in the pit! Supposedly descendants of people who disappeared from the face of the Jewel when the Blackout occurred. They'd managed to survive in that sort of horrible Stranger Things-ass upside-down horror-world for hundreds of years! Very exciting!

Provost Hamori reassures them that everything will be fine, and asks them to tell the truth to the nice police lady who's about to have a friendly chat with them.

Said police lady takes her turn to speak to the hospitalized party.

Benedict I. (GM): "My name is Stella Lastwave. I am captain of the Port Authority city guard. I am required to disclose this information." Then she leans in. "Would the two of you like to tell me what the fuck is happening in my city?" Saelhen du Fishercrown: Good question! Benedict I. (GM): "Dozens of bloodsucking hellmonsters are menacing the citizens, a troop of ultraviolent feral children are wreaking havoc in the streets, and the Yoshimimoto Plaza is a ruined crater of necrotic energy!" "I have fourteen witnesses stating that you walked up to the middle of the plaza with a magic item, touched the ground, and unleashed hell on the innocent citizens of Oyashio!" "You're going to explain what the hell you thought you were doing, right now!" Looseleaf: “Um. It was an accident?” Looseleaf begins, and then hedges, because this intimidating cop lady is intimidating her, and all of her prepared lines of explanation have gone right out the window. Benedict I. (GM): "An accident." "Again."

Captain Lastwave is highly suspicious of Saelhen's story- as the de la Surplus family doesn't exist in any of the shipping records they have for the world's busiest port city. If they're not in the records, they either don't exist, or they're smugglers.

Saelhen du Fishercrown: "We have... fallen on difficult times as of late. It is a stain on our honor that we have failed to contribute to Kanzentokai's glory, I realize." Saelhen sighs. "...it was my hope that I might restore our reputation by completing the succession, when the means were lost to us for so long." Benedict I. (GM): "Yeah? And your 'succession' means siccing demons on a city of innocent people?" Looseleaf: “They just assigned me to her as an anthropology assignment,” Looseleaf babbles. “I was supposed to follow her doing her rite thingy and write it down and turn it in as an essay for my self-directed project.” Whatever the splash radius of this negotiation is going to wind up being, Looseleaf is absolutely making sure that she ends up outside of it. Saelhen du Fishercrown: "Strange are the ways of my ancestors. It is my hope that I will be allowed to serve the free citizens of Oyashio, as I have served those citizens long-imprisoned by the Blackout." Benedict I. (GM): "This is the seventh goddamn evil magic apocalypse that witch up in Blacksky has tried to wipe out Oyashio with! Even when it's not them, it's them, or-" "-what, are you talking about the murdercrazy teenagers running wild in the streets?" Looseleaf: Looseleaf looks at Fishercrown. ”Oh.” Saelhen du Fishercrown: "So I have been told." Looseleaf: "So that’s what the Provost meant by... whoof." "So, ‘we found humans on the other side of the portal’ was definitely a euphemism, huh.”

Thanks to Saelhen once again rolling absurdly high on Deception, Captain Lastwave lets them off with a warning, and leaves. They leave the hospital- or rather, the Temple of Karou, Heartlifter, God of Joy.

as you leave the Temple of Karou, you learn that the Temple of Karou comprises the upper floors of the building, 2 and up the first floor, run by the local bishop of Karou (Vermillion Hansen, the tiefling "nurse" you met) is the Pink Lips Pleasure House- an official government institution funded by the Ecumene of Joy. it is a brothel. the Ecumene of Joy is a little weird.

So with that crisis officially Not Their Fault, Looseleaf and Saelhen return to Blacksky, where the Provost- in exchange for keeping it Not Their Fault- will be having them conduct further research on this bracer- which has sprouted a new arrow, pointing off somewhere to the northeast.

Next session, we'll see what that research entails!