#I now fully understand the autistic person I see when at work

[saunne]

Pros : The ADHDon't medecine is working. I can hear myself thinking and generally are much aware how scattered my brain is. My impulse control is still crap but at least I'm a lot more aware of it. Like I stop in the middle of doings Things™ sometimes and goes "why the fuck did I started doing that while I was doing that other thing instead". The "dry mouth" side effect is actually useful cause I drink three times more and are for once correctly hydrated.

Cons : It worsened my hearing sensitivity. Worsened as in doubled. In a week and half span. It's terrifying. The lowest sound level on my phone became "too much" after more than ten minutes. Even with the headphones in my ears but no sound, I am still far too aware of all the sounds around. I can't watch TV with my mom anymore because the constant sound changes drive me crazy. I almost had a panic attack at work again. Because of a phone ringing in a "bad tone". Children's cries turned into a weapon of mass destruction for my hearing and I have to work around children so if it keeps going it will become difficult really fast. The sounds I hear now have a direct influence on my mood: I listened to the same song almost constantly on repeat yesterday from 9:30 a.m. until 2:30 a.m. the next day because it put me in a "zone". I had "zone" sounds before but not to that extent.

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

my frustration with “going nonverbal/nonspeaking” (as a fully nonverbal person)

transcript: my frustration with “going nonverbal/nonspeaking” (as a fully nonverbal person)

this written for instagram because of this post. but thought tumblr may like it too. “you” means general you, no one specific.

the instagram post and this on wordpress

this disclaimer is for instagram but also for anyone new to this discussion:

in full honestly, don’t know how to write this. am tired, language and complex ideas too much at time of writing, and general exhaust at having to argue same thing over and over again and justify own existence. tired of being minority within minority, wish there are others to do these work for me so i don’t have to do it all by self, singlehandedly advocate for everyone (not to mention problem with that—i can’t speak for everyone).

so honestly, if you don’t have anything nice to say, especially if you speaking (yes, even if you lose speech. include you), just don't say anything at all. move on.

online actually autistic community (AAut) dominated by white, lower support needs. level 1, speaking, late diagnosed, high masking autistics. find people like you is great, what not great is you treat your very narrow community as “voice of all autistic” and your experience as ultimate autistic experience. i write plenty about that, many more elaborate than this, if you not familiar with this concept.

many people in this community experience times when cannot speak, sometimes because overwhelm, shutdown, dissociate, or anxiety (situational mutism), but do not struggle with act of speaking rest of time (some struggle with speech all the time but still can speak - more on that later). the community call “going nonverbal/nonspeaking,” or even “when i am nonverbal nonspeaking” (not talking about those nonverbal as child and verbal now older), after clinical term “nonverbal” (nonverbal autism) and term coined by apraxic nonspeaking autistics “nonspeaking.”

both of which talk about it as an “all the time” experience.

when i search nonverbal or nonspeaking because i want community too, want see people like me too, two category i see: 1) parents of nonverbal nonspeaking children, whom can’t relate to because age, who can’t write own experience because their age and developmental ability. and 2) overwhelming amount of speaking autistic talk about going nonverbal going nonspeaking.

and the very very few fully nonverbal nonspeaking voices. drowned out. cannot find anyone.

nonverbal used to be term to describe us, people who can’t speak or cannot functionally speak beyond few words. medical term, alright, so some of us don’t like. so some of us reject that and create term all of our own, called nonspeaking. created by nonspeaking autistics with severe apraxia and brain body disconnect, describe their own experience of able to think in words able to spell out words (with great dedication and work and support), just cannot do that with mouth. their term. they create.

and you take it? without knowing context? without reading anything by those same nonspeaking coiners?

when is last time you purposely seek out nonverbal nonspeaking voices? when is last time you accidentally came across us? can you name any nonverbal nonspeaking advocate that talk about their experiences? one? two? three? a BIPOC person, a (specifically) Black person? a Black woman? a trans person? a physically disabled person? a person not from western world?

same narrative over and over. “i can speak for nonverbal autistic i understand their experience because i am autistic i can’t talk sometimes” no you cannot. as someone who was able to speak when young who lose speech (”go nonverbal”) but now have no speech to lose because full time nonverbal. no the experience not the same. not comparable. you gain it back. i don’t. you can explain with mouth words what happen when you get out. i can’t, i only have AAC. countless nonverbal nonspeaking people without AAC or sign cannot, at all. you never experience daily small and big struggle of casually being nonverbal all the time.

your experience of lose speech unique from my nonverbal. but if you so insist to compare and equate, you only guest to my experience, my daily life.

“when i go nonverbal and no one understand so have to force to speak” i cannot force words out. know you don’t mean to say this, and not saying you at fault for this, but nevertheless accidental perpetuate and reinforce idea that anyone who don’t speak can just be forced to speak if try hard enough. but often not how it works. and this exact harmful rhetoric devoid and delays nonverbal nonspeaking people given access to AAC, because “need try to force words out first, AAC unnatural so last resort.”

this may be new concept for you. new concept to instagram, to tiktok. to other places. it may seem i only one with this problem, “i once saw a nonspeaking person’s account and they don’t have problem.”

yeah, because we are not monolith. some nonverbal nonspeaking people don’t care. some nonverbal nonspeaking people may even welcome “go nonverbal nonspeaking” or “when i am nonverbal nonspeaking.”

but don’t be fooled into believe i only one. have many nonverbal/nonspeaking and/or higher support needs friends on tumblr, who talk about this who have been saying this for years. *years*. years before i joined. i am not creator, i only bring message here, because many of us are too high support needs too disabled to do anything else. many of us only stay on our small corner of tumblr because it most peaceful, because at least some listen, because least hostile, because need to defend our experience against our own community the least. (but it happens less doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, we still exhausted.) many of us only stay on our small corner of tumblr because that all we can handle, or because we not allowed or shouldn’t be on other social media because age or abilities or both.

i cannot handle conflict i do not do well and i shouldn’t be here. but if not me, who else? if i don’t do it, who else is going to?

some nonverbal nonspeaking people and parents of them may question, why you start debate about useless term when so many nonverbal nonspeaking people don’t even have access to communicate, real problems. to that i say i do those work too. and to that i say this is real problem too, because am autistic so online actually autistic community should also be my space too but it not. but it hostile. because am lonely because seeing yourself so crucial because don’t know anyone in person like me don’t have any friends in person like me, so i go online to find people like me and i cannot because no own term to search and what used to be term many people without similar experience insist they understand and can speak for me because they say we have similar experience. because this aloneness and the unique difficulty from being full time nonverbal and the struggle of future and the unique mistreatment from both outside but also inside community have drove me over edge many times and it is presence and knowing their presence of my tumblr nonverbal nonspeaking / higher support needs friends that gave me hope to stay. because so many people don’t listen and instead speak over. terminology only a symptom of problem. address roots, sure, but part of address roots is address symptoms.

‘well nonverbal people are never around” maybe it because you don’t make it welcome for us to join.

“fully nonverbal rare anyway” estimated 30% of us nonverbal nonspeaking, which this statistic probably only count those nonverbal since birth. even more are minimally speaking or without full functional communication, abilities limited to requests. sure, 30% still not majority. but significant amount never the less. speaking lower support needs autistic without intellectual disability not majority anyway too but your experience still deserve heard. ours too.

“see less nonverbal people because they don't have ability to communicate and use social media” yes, many nonverbal nonspeaking people not given access to communication (like AAC), forced to live in silence (because body language communication not enough alone!). silence from birth to teenage years, to adulthood, even until they die. some cannot understand social media or AAC because intellectual disability or cognitive ability. some not allowed on there because safety, some not allowed on because presumed incompetent and abused. all true. do you advocate for them too? or is it just talking point against me, pretend you care?

but not all of us, we exist. some of us thankfully supportive parents all along, parents given resources, us given resources, so we access to AAC since beginning. some of us became nonverbal later in life (which not same experience as those early in life, i acknowledge). some of us after years of forced silence, finally given access to AAC and can now communicate and advocate! some of us on social media - do you listen?

but you see none of us in your community anyway. maybe one token person.

you can go nonverbal. i cannot go verbal. see difference? you can come close to my experience, but i never will have (future) ability to go to yours.

it frustrate that have to specify am nonverbal **all the time** when write this, because if don’t do that will be assumed otherwise. frustrate that when in neurodivergent space stranger see me AAC they assume i can speak because they only know part time users (know part time users frustrate too because people assume they cannot speak and get surprised when they do. me being assumed automatic part time is not fault of part time AAC users.)

even been told am privileged to be nonverbal nonspeaking, privilege over speaking autistic who lose speech because in their mind it mean i get all support i need i get all recognition get all the representation. which. couldn’t be farther from truth.

all that. is fraction of reason i frustrate at “going nonverbal nonspeaking” and “when i was nonverbal nonspeaking.”

so many other words. lose speech. intermittent speech.

just want have own sub community where can find people similar experience.

[sualne]

Crocodad AU Story overview from mid prologue to the end of Arc 2, checks out the current timeline of published comics to remember where we left of. Does not include the Strawhat whereabouts. Anything is up to change but that's the gist of it.

Warning for blood, injuries and general angst.

Luffy is easy to read as autistic and dyslexic in canon, i wanted to see what it would be like accumulating learning disabilities in an AU where he's expected to study, the struggles that comes from it. Again, disabled ppl being disabled is important to me, all that.

Not mentioned here but Luffy is upset with his father already with his constant plotting, all the plants are dead now and there's a lot less ppl outside when he goes out with Robin. He doesn't fully understand what's going on but know it his fault and in order to take over Alabasta. On multiple occasions he makes it clear he doesn't want to be prince or have anything to do with Baroque Works.

That feeling of helplessness born from Crocodile's disregard for his feeling and really, own sense of personhood, is a problem through the whole of the story until Arc 7 when Crocodile has to face the fact that his kid is a whole person. The actual quote in my note is "once again he's incapable of seeing luffy as his own capable (unhinged) person".

Also Miss Mini Sorbet gets injured trying to protect Luffy when he's being tied up, that's how she gets her scar and why Crocodile insist she's not a bodyguard.

Unlike in canon Luffy doesn't magically recover from being stabbed, he still magically survive and recovers pretty well considering he's been impaled but still, i like when things have a little bit of consequences health wise. The exact nature of his new condition stays a mystery until Arc 4, though there's plenty of clues through the arcs.

Arc 2 is all text. I didn't want to draw an entire crowd of ppl fighting but there's lots of vivid imagery in my mind.

[pinktrashgoblin]

SERIOUS POST.

This may have some uncomfortable topics. But please read this whole thing. It’s important to be transparent, and I don’t want Cin to spread more shit.

my deepest apologies to people who are just here on my blog and reblogging my work for fun.

EDIT: I can’t believe I have to say this but don’t fucking harass anyone mentioned in this post. That just reflects on YOU.

Alright, Cin. Since you want a response so bad, here ya go.

So what is this whole thing about?

User @/cintagonisupset is going around telling people this.

I’m already seeing the impacts, having my friends come to me about this. You’ve got my hands tied, so I’m making my statement.

First and foremost: I‘m not going to pretend that I didn’t make dirty jokes in my server in the past, before my birthday when I was 17, a minor myself, and before I banned such jokes last year. With 100% earnest I know this was a bad idea, and I have taken the time to be more careful about what I say around certain audiences. I am not perfect. But in his haste to fuck me up, he left out some crucial details.

1: I was 17 at the time, a minor myself, and was and still am in high school. I was a high schooler, making high-school-tier jokes in a server of other high schoolers. I am not ACTIVELY MAKING THESE JOKES like he says I am, and I do not condone the idea of doing so.

2: I am autistic. I struggle with social cues, with decision-making and so forth. I am only recently 18, but that does not mean I am mentally or emotionally mature, far from it. Mentally I am still a child. I struggle more than the average person with judgement, and often slip up around those I let my guard down around. I am working on this to avoid things such as this.

3: I am incredibly susceptible to peer pressure. In a place where those jokes were made, I wanted to feel like part of the group. So, as I often do, I mirrored behavior to feel like I fit in. I wasn’t sitting my high-school ass down and going “Let’s make raunchy jokes with kids!”, I was thinking in terms of “Maybe if I talk like them, they’ll like me and I’ll fit in somewhere” without fully realizing what everything meant, and without being able to properly process the social queues associated.

4: This was MONTHS ago. I do not actively do these things, nor condone them, I think it’s fucked up and I’ve done everything I can to be better than that. But to misrepresent the situation as me actively doing so isn’t great either.

So with that out of the way.

Do I think it was a good idea? No, absolutely not, but let’s not pretend that this is unheard of in high school and definitely on the internet. Since the dawn of time kids have made stupid jokes with one another. I was a middle schooler once and a high schooler now, I know exactly what goes on in those places. Let me restate: that doesn’t make it good, but let’s not pretend I’m the only high school kid who’s ever made a joke like that around their peers.

My point is, once this thing has become so normalized all over the place, in school, in media, it becomes difficult, especially for a neurodivergent such as myself, to deduce what to and not to do. I have fundamental principles and rules, but that does not mean I am not susceptible to being pressured into this sort of thing.

As I mentioned: I am not emotionally, or mentally, mature. I don’t know everything. I don’t fully comprehend the nuances of things. I am not always aware of what I am saying. I cannot understand social queues in the same way you do.

Make your conclusions as you will, but this is my stance, and this is the truth.

Also, maybe don’t tell people to kill themselves and that nobody likes them? Just a thought. (BTW: As mentioned I am autistic, it’s not as simple as “grow up”.)

TL;DR: I made raunchy/dirty jokes in my server when I was 17, in high school, with a bunch of other high schoolers, and Cin is telling me to end my life because of it.

Please consider my words. I have worked hard to build what I have, and feel it is important to be transparent. I want nothing but to make a positive impact on this community and the people within it. This does not mean I am perfect, but I am trying my best and my intentions are good.

Feel free to ask me, or leave opinions in the reblogs and replies. This is a conversation, not a preaching.

Also, about the art thief thing: I genuinely have no fuckin clue what he’s going on about there.

Edit: I have deleted the “P.S.” section regarding a suspicion I have to avoid further conflict.

[daytaker]

NightBringer Satan is a Gift.

I understand everyone has their own opinions on how good/not good NB is as a game or a story or whatever, but in my opinion, Satan's characterization is soooo enhanced by it. I know that this isn't an opinion that everyone shares, but to me, Satan felt emotionally artificial sometimes in the original game (more on that below).* He felt kind of awkward and like he wanted to connect with MC but something was blocking the kind of connection they develop with some of the other brothers. (Disclaimer: I've only done season 1 of OG, so I can't speak to how he's characterized later on. I know, I know, shame. But I'm trying my best.) Getting to see what Satan is like when he doesn't have any control over his emotions makes the stiffness and artificiality make more sense to me, and they become admirable because we get to see just how hard it is for him to get everything under control.

I think they did a really good job with the pacing of his development in NB too. Satan in Lesson 1 and Satan in Lesson 19 are different, but there isn't a moment where he suddenly starts controlling his emotions better. I think there's a lot going on behind the scenes with him as far as his emotional growth and self control are concerned.

Also let's not forget some very important things about Satan that make him, IMO, one of the most interesting characters to work with as a writer:

Satan was never an angel; he had no fall from grace.

Satan was created from Lucifer's wrath---he is literally the product of trauma and self-mutilation.

Satan is significantly younger than his brothers.

He spent the first year of his life more or less trapped in a castle with his deeply emotionally wounded brothers.

He has a deep resentment towards Lucifer that sometimes defies reason---he wishes he didn't dedicate so much of his time and energy to him, but it's basically a compulsion.

He hates his deep association with Lucifer, and he hates that he has a lot in common with him.

And these lead me to some headcanons that live rent-free in my brain every day of my life.

Satan sees himself as a reminder of the Great Celestial War and everything his brothers lost in it, including Lilith.

He is divine retribution against Lucifer for his failure, for leading his brothers to failure, for letting his sister die.

He acts as a counterbalance to Lucifer's pride by bearing the weight of the shame that Lucifer can't fully accept now that he is the Avatar of Pride. Even if Lucifer pushes it out of his mind, Satan never forgets that he failed in the worst way possible.

His biggest aspiration is to become a full and complete person outside of any association he has with Lucifer. He feels like some sort of parasitic tumor that exists only in opposition to his brother, and he wants desperately to escape that role that he feels he was born into.

Anyway, Satan is great, hail Satan, all that good stuff. Did you know I have a lot of thoughts and opinions about Satan? I know, shocking. For more of my takes here's my fic about him (on AO3).

*I think Satan almost metaphorically represents certain elements of autism---emotions that don't come out the way you intend, masking and its limitations, hyperfixations that are barely under control. In Fandom Discourse(TM) there's sometimes a level of focus on more 'cutesy' autistic traits that we find endearing in characters, like social obliviousness and gleefully indulged hyperfixations. But emotional control, emotional masking, emotional seepage, emotional artificiality---these are also real and messy and often times they aren't cute and they're uncomfortable to see in yourself or in someone else. I really don't like diagnosing characters so I'm not about to claim Satan "is" autistic, but as someone who has been called essentially 'spectrum adjacent' by doctors, I relate to the awkwardness and the desire to appear normal despite knowing you're not and emotions spilling out in ugly ways---um. That got really long and personal.

[halfusek]

i was reading the end part of abomination and was wondering three things ,1-what is the meaning of Joey changing from his real world self to his story world self ? Since it appears that joey died,does this mean that his real world self and story world self fused ?, 2-how does joey control over the story world works ? is he aware of what the story version of hackenbush has become or he is independent from joey's actions ?3 What would happen if the little devil darling cartoon has played ?

answers to all of these could potentially be "well you're supposed to come up with some interpretation yourself" but i do have things in mind as answers to these questions :)

real joey didn't die (yet), so it's not them fusing - i realize that it might be a bit confusing story joey has been created soulless however as you can see in the ending this happens

i don't mind people coming to the conclusion that story joey has real joey's soul but if you would like to hear me out on what i precisely have in mind for this

[becomes an unskippable cutscene]

so when you look through the seeing tool in batim you can see these floating gold particles

to me it's joey's soul scattered through this entire ink dimension because he is the storyteller of it and influences the way it's been made and how it functions

and that can also include some creatures

creatures that "fully" have their own soul like susie!alice don't have anything to do with him but ones that don't have a full soul of another person? or no soul at all?

the ink demon (squish) and story joey have been created but not with an use of a sacrifice

they are soulless but they are a physical manifestation of joey's soul that really has been used for creating this entire world

however he is "anchored" to his ink counterpart and that's what it stands for

that's why story joey's and bendy's "souls" join together

because in the story that joey is telling ink creatures are made/perfected via sacrifice and via using people's souls in this process - so technically story joey is "supposed" to have a soul

...yeah i know it's a bit complicated but you must understand. i'm very autistic. njknjknkjnkj

2. joey's control over the story mostly boils down to creating situations, events, enforcing themes, introducing new characters and in rare occasions tweaking character's personalities

however all of these abilities have their limits and they don't just rely on his skills as a storyteller because those aren't really that bad, there is also some ink magic fuckery involved :)

for example story joey is NOT written how he would have liked him to be - all characters become a more exaggerated/cartoonish version of themselves - and through the lense of his regret and self hatred he has made out quite an asshole out of himself

like he already was one but he's managed to make him even worse

task failed successfully

3. little devil darling. is. something, alright

it's the first bendy cartoon to exist

and yet... we've never seen any of it. it's not up there with all the other cartoons in bendy's throne room in chapter 5, nor all the other rooms inside of the giant ink machine

however. there are two things

this image is a screenshot of @lucky-dreamfisher 's theory because their eye for details really helped me with some of my own theory/headcanon crafting :)

and i agree with the conclusion they reach here - since this cartoon is missing, the very first bendy cartoon, it means that bendy is prevented from reaching perfection

and preventing joey/bendy from reaching perfection just seemed like a great revenge to come from susie!alice :) additional points for the fact that i associate "who's laughing now?" with alice since this message also appears next to boris' corpse in chapter 1

i'm not saying that story joey would have made a perfect bendy otherwise, but this way the process will never be perfect from the technical side either

but also speaking of little devil darling

there is a poster of it inside of the giant ink machine while there are no other posters

i just thought that's interesting

[conarcoin]

Congrats on finding your white whale. I'm excited to see what comes next from either sharing, or keeping it to yourself.

This fic is definitely one of those pillar fics that created this reaction that we can still see the repercussions of today. And the negative attention the author received in wake of the fic was not something that they deserved. I must admit I am curious to see what that fic actually holds because I stayed away from that side of the mcyt fandom at the time because of personal reasons

Whatever decision is made with the fate of the fic, I will fully understand and support it. Knowing that the fic still exists in its entirety is enough for me.

But also. Were you around at the time of the fics original publication? And how much did the reactions to this fic actually set a tone for the rest of the fandoms interactions with content creators?

I was not! I was a lurker - for personal reasons I was inactive on social media from around 2017 to 2020, if I'm remembering correctly. However, I have done an absurd amount of research into MCYT fandom history to the point of digging through thousands of old SMPtwt tweets, since I'm very autistic about SMPLive and MCYT as a whole.

SMPRonpa directly led to the creation of the blog smp-boundaries, as it was singled out and used as an example of inappropriate fan content by CallMeCarson in his stream "Let's address fan culture", which was the reason the blog was made. Said blog would continue to be updated into the early Dream SMP period and is still cited today despite being filled with misinformation. SMPRonpa is frequently referenced as an example of "what not to do" by other fans - I remember Among Us and Squid Game AUs being heavily criticized with this "remember SMPRonpa" narrative.

Creators didn't really care about it besides Carson, and plenty of them were openly positive towards it! SMPtwt also for the most part loved it, while SMPblr considered it gross and inappropriate. Because of how Carson talked about the fic, people now have the incorrect belief that a majority of creators involved were super uncomfortable with it - when that isn't the case at all - you had them actively replying to the creator and discussing the fic with fans, cracking jokes about their in-fic deaths and kills, it even ended up with Poke playing Danganronpa which you can still watch on his channel!

It's a very odd piece of fandom history to me that goes to show the damage you can do to your community by interfering with and publicly shaming fan content you don't like. I feel like the community around SMPLive seemed way more friendly with their creators before the stream, and it never really was the same after that, unfortunately.

You also have to think about Carson being later stated to be manipulative and at times downright abusive to his friends, especially the three he lived with in 2019-2020 (Noah, Cooper, and Travis - Noah's talked about it in length in an interview that's up on YouTube somewhere) - I feel like this is an important detail to consider given how his concerns were made into "all of our concerns" in the stream. Creators besides Carson were largely uncomfortable moreso by the stan culture surrounding them rather than any individual fan works, at least from everything I've publicly seen.

[heraldofcrow]

Do you have any specific neurodivergent headcanons for bb characters by far?

Yep!! Sorry for the wait on this, I was adding to it little by little.

Without further ado—

Wait, I forgot, I need to clarify something. I don’t really believe neurodivergence refers strictly to autism and ADHD like many often try to say, so with that in mind, my answers might be more varied.

• Rom

Rom is my main headcanon for neurodivergence in Bloodborne because I suspect something is up with her basically being called the “mentally disabled spider” in Japanese, while also having been the only person in Bloodborne to have ascended. With that in mind, I see her as an autistic savant. Perceived as a fool due to stunted outward development, but a genius beyond what others could even understand.

• Laurence

This one is maybe odd, but I have Laurence as someone with bipolar disorder and autism. I don’t have some in-depth explanation for this one other than it fits with the character I wrote for him.

• Gehrman

Clinical depression, like from the time he was a really small kid. He was just different from the start and saw far more than he should have. He was never a very hopeful or upbeat person.

• Bloody Crow

I write Crow with severe psychosis that stems from schizophrenia. There are signs of him being autistic as well, but his schizophrenia is the main thing he struggles with. It is NOT what makes him a villain later on, but when his delusions get out of control and trigger his mania…well, you don’t want to pair it with hatred and anger. Sadly, Crow is overflowing with both.

• Micolash

Micolash was not brought up in an environment where he was able to develop empathy for others, so he was always a bit sociopathic. This wasn’t actually much of a problem for years though, because he tried and learned via others about socalization and interpersonal relations. Sociopaths are not inherently dangerous and neither was Micolash. He was a decent person for a long time.

However, tragedy always strikes, and darker emotional issues and beliefs were what allowed Micolash to eventually weaponize his own sociopathy, committing worse and worse atrocities without feeling the pain of his victims. I like to imagine he was fully aware of how he thought about the process. The problem wasn’t his lack of empathy, it was his choice to utilize it in an evil manner.

• Adeline

Adeline has both Borderline Personality Disorder and clinical depression. The traumatic experiences in her youth left her with a lot of unresolved emotional tension, poor kid.

• Maria

I have her as Crow’s biological sister, so as siblings, they both actually struggle a bit with the same mental challenges. Maria doesn’t really have schizophrenia like her brother, but she experiences severe bouts of depression that can lead to hallucinations and psychosis. She also deals with extreme memory loss at times and heavy PTSD.

• Ludwig

Ludwig has ADHD but people can’t really tell because he is hard on himself about keeping his focus intact. People like Maria absolutely notice his struggle and his periods of low self-esteem. He is too tough on himself :(

• Eileen

This one is actually my favourite headcanon, but Eileen has DID and has at least one other alter that she formed when faced with a horrifically traumatic event as a child. Her alter is a stiff, austere military officer-type, who is comfortable with emotionlessness and treating Eileen’s line of work as a task that must be completed.

Eileen’s alter is harmless and she is aware that she is different in this sense. It’s actually what draws her to Bloody Crow, who is already so terrified of his own mind that he finds comfort in knowing his mentor and mother-figure is not too different.

—

Some of these might change, but I am happy with most for now. I love psychology and studying it, so I think of it as a worthy challenge to try to write characters with unique mental states and accurately so. It can be a little scary because I know people really care about how several of these mental illnesses are depicted, but hopefully I am not screwing anything up too much. 😅

[mazyb0i]

Someone on Reddit tried to say that Rick only truly loves Beth, and to prove them wrong, so here I am!

tldr:

Character analysis of Rick Sanchez from an autistic fans point of view, understanding his attachment styles.

He'll do anything for BP, if season 6 proves anything, it's that he'll die for BP. He literally admitted to loving him, which I have not heard him tell or say about anyone before in the show. When

he does say stuff like that it is significant. Bird person is the only character on the show he has been openly genuine with.

If season 7 proves anything, Pers is the only one that can sneak up behind him and grab him out of nowhere without getting some snarky comment, mean look, or a left hook. They both care about each other deeply, that is clear. Rick was extremely

upset by the wedding with Tammy. Rick told the bird person how much he respected him more than anyone, even when he contradicted himself by saying nothing matters, he wanted to be with Percy. He wanted to travel with him and spent every moment with him.

--

"Then why did you help me?"

"I respect you, and I wanted you to know that you could respect me too."

" But if nothing matters...?"

"You matter! You matter to me."

"Uhhh- Rick... the relationship we have-"

"I never used that word!" - Rick (denialism)

--

It's funny how after this he calls him a judgmental dork, and not something much harsher.

--

"Why the fuck are you risking your life for that asshole!?" - Memory rick

"Because, you love him."

"You do maybe, but I don't."

"Yeah, yeah, you're real cool. Now, come help me save his life or fuck off, because I don't need you.

(Very much so loves BP.)

--

--

"I'm sorry Rick, but we cannot choose the ones we love" - Pers

"You got that right! Why do you think I'm still fucking down here!?"

--

Birdperson mentions that he would be dead if it wasn't for Rick, this also accounts for multiple times now since he brought BP back to life recently. Rick has stuck his neck out for the man so many times contradicting his "nothing matters" front, because that's what it is, it is a horrible coping mechanism to ignore your problems and pretend they don't exist because 'nothing matters'.

Its a problem that I have and I'm working through in therapy myself, it's called Denialism. Because 'if you shut yourself out from the world and your problems, then nothing can hurt you, and they don't exist'. You convince yourself you're in control when you're not, you have the least control, and it fucks you up. Rick isn't truly and fully nihilistic, or else literally nothing would matter to him. He makes sure to keep his Morty alive, he constantly brags on about how he can just get a new family, but he has the same Morty that he's had since the beginning and sticks his neck out for him as well.

--

"No, Morty. Because you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner, because I never made you a true partner."

--

--

"I was afraid if I jumped in a hole you would just stand there and watch me, you wouldn't even jump in after me!" -Morty

But then Rick in season 1 literally jumped in after Morty when he fell through the garage floor into the Schrodinger's cat void.

"Be good, Morty, be better than me."

--

--

And when Rick starts crying at his memories of Morty in season One, but he refrains from expressing it so that Morty does not become, as he puts it, "cocky" (denialism)

I would also like to point out I feel like in the later seasons he starts calling Morty 'buddy' more?? he's a lot nicer to him than he used to be, and just recently allowed Morty to hug him without pushing him away, actually hugging back. He's also stated that he respects summer very deeply, which if he says that about someone, it really means that he does. He sees his Diane in Summer, and he also implies that summer is like a cat, her affection and respect needs to be earned; unlike Morty's dog like affection that is just given away. But we also hear Rick say that Morty reminds him a lot of himself when he was younger, this implies a lot of parallels.

Memory Rick brought out a lot of Rick that we didn't see previously, a person who wasn't fully tainted by the lack of treating mental Health issues, coping issues, unhealthy attachments, and all the other things that led up to Rick being the way he is. he said his heart broken so many times, he's been backstabbed, he is very hurt person. This doesn't excuse all of his actions but is a very good explanation and reason for why he is the way he is and the way the human psyche copes with it's environment to protect itself. it's like walking up to a caged animal with a taser, these are his defense mechanisms, it makes him look like a dick on the outside but currently it is the only thing that he knows how to do on instinct for protection, and that's why he's in therapy. This is why I believe he's genuinely trying to get better, he can get along with his therapist more than ever, even if he has sly remarks he genuinely listens to Mrs. Wong.

--

"I don't like being told where to go or what to do. I consider it a violation."

--

"There's a lesson here, and I won't be the one to figure it out"

--

"I don't discuss problems, I incinerate them"

--

"It was charmingly analog. For a sec, you kind of made me like myself." - Mem Rick

"You'll grow out of it." - Rick

He resents his younger self for helping him and makes sure to mention that he "grew out" of his ability to like himself, Rick has some extreme self-hatred. it's hard to fully love someone or Express a healthy relationship when you can't even have a healthy relationship with yourself.

--

"You act like you're the one that got stabbed in the back!" -Morty

"Because I AM THE ONE, Morty. You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that stupid knights of the morning sun thing!? I SAID don't take the fucking sword! And you were like "Whatever", like I'm our neighbor Jean or David Arquette or something!! You called me boring! I've become dog shit to you! That's what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you! They touch your shit, they screw things up, they KILL your fuckin family! Go ahead and trust them, you're gonna learn the same fuckin thing." -Rick

--

[lolliepops-rox]

It's very interesting to me, as a newer Homestuck fan, to see all the extensions for the offical-unoffical archives that 'fix'/remove 'problems' or 'problematic' parts of Homestuck. I was on Tumblr when Homestuck was at its peak and reblogged all the cute ship art, follow the outrageous ask blogs, my best friend did read it as it was still coming out¹. But I never actually read the comic itself, just kind waves from the sidelines. But I wasn't there to experience the big controversies in real time (i.e. 'peachy'). Hussie is not above critique, but I don't think he's a bigot or even a bad person. What he is, is a troll. A classic 2006 'I said something fucked up not because I believed it, but to get a reaction.' Which, I can see to someone who missed that time of the internet, and only knows now. In which people say those fucked up things, to get a reaction and cause they believe it.

And so to see people younger than me, but have joined the fandom at the same time as me, not understand this context, it feels wrong. The things people are willing to sweep under the rug cause it conflicts with their morals vs the things they condemn and blame Hussie for.

Homestuck is a very long, very complicated, but very important piece of art. To not consider every facet of it does it a disservice.

For something made by a 2006 troll, it put a lot of queer characters worth caring about in it. The alpha kids & trolls both exist to be parodies of their beta counterparts. This is partly why Dirk is queer, and that Dirk refuses a label. But is still allowed to opening like, then date, then break up with a boy. It's a response to how the fandom wrote & treated Dave. For those who know it, compare the S19Ep6 of South Park, Tweek X Craig. Matt & Trey, who in my opinion embody the same sort of troll sense of humour Hussie has, handle fandom making their characters being gay quite differently. Tweek & Craig in this EP aren't treated as genuinely queer characters, but the kids trapped in what the town has decided are wacky hijinks of this week. It's not necessarily bad, but compared to Dirk it feels way less genuine.

There's topics I can't talk on fully like the way Hussie's racial biases appear in various characters, as I'm from a completely different country. But in my very non-american opinion, it reads more as 'someone who has never thought to question the stereotypes they were raised with', than as someone who is genuinely and actively racist. There is a difference, and as a mixed kid that's important to me.

I'm not really sure how physically disabled people feel about the way Hussie wrote their physically disabled characters (but if people have written about this I'd love to read and linked to me) but he definitely uses mental disabilities/illnesses as a substitute for the word 'quirky' without thinking much about it (i.e. Nepeta is off-handedly called autistic) it's not really great, but the bar is so low when it comes to these things that my tourettic ass cling to Mituna like a lifeline.

Maybe I had a further point here. Maybe my point was just antis in the Homestuck fandom is still weird to me when there's canon incest. Maybe I've drunk a fair bit of vodka while writing this. I have work in the morning. Good night beloved tumblrinas.

¹she gave me classpect and everything, and it's the one I use to this day, despite having a completely different theory on how classpects work. I also joined a cosplay ask blog despite never reading Homestuck (at the time) cos she asked me to (simp) and bought black lipstick to do AMom.

[jojotichakorn]

khabkhluen from 'star in my mind' - your next autistic fave

so, the mlm drama 'star in my mind' that came out in 2022 didn't gain much popularity (and when i post my review on it in a couple of days, you might understand why) but with the release of adjacent our skyy 2 episodes, the polls that make us decide upon which bl character has the most autistic swag over at @bl-bracket and due to the fact that i keep insisting on khluen being my favorite character specifically because i relate to him on a big level as an autistic person, there is no better time than right now to discuss this.

without further ado and in no particular order, here is a list of things that have explicitly happened in the drama 'star in my mind' that made me consider khluen being autistic canon:

♾ khluen is very particular about things

when one of the characters describes khluen's routine in high school, it has huge "we are introducing an autistic character" vibes, because he says khluen comes to school every day at the exact same time and his breakfast consists of the same sandwich and the same juice every single morning. by the way, two years later, he still only drinks that juice (at least as far as we see during the events of the drama). when khluen moves into the dorm and needs to unpack, he opens the closet and starts to place hangers in exactly the same distance away from each other (which also prompts one of his roommates to joke if he "needs a ruler for that"). according to his own words, khluen also doesn't like mess and needs things to be exactly where he puts them. he also pays attention to the smallest of details and sort of absent-mindedly expects that everyone else notices those tiny things as well. he also says that he never changes himself and doesn't like to readjust and have a lot of change in his life in general.

♾ khluen takes everything others say very literally and expresses himself literally as well

any questions khluen is asked, he does not even imagine reading into them and thinking they might be implying something other than what is being explicitly stated. at one point, khluen's partner actually says that khluen is "interpreting [something] wrong", which seems like a pattern for him. whenever he responds to questions or simply says something on his own, he expresses himself very literally and says exactly what he means as well.

there is one important-to-the-plot conversation that happens in the middle of the series and that hurts my brain and khluen's brain simultaneously and that is very relevant to this section. in essence, khluen's conversation partner does not say a single thing directly and relies fully on implications that allistics would typically recognize and understand. during that conversation, khluen is visibly confused - he tries very hard to understand what the other person is trying to say but he is failing. this alsoleads to him coming to the wrong conclusions because he is simultaneously forced to make assumptions in order to comprehend anything that is being said but is given absolutely no direct information to work with. along with this, he continues to answer questions very directly (e.g. when his interlocutor vaguely asks if he has rejected someone who has confessed to him in the past, implying his own confession, khluen misses that implication entirely and instead just honestly says "yes", as he has previously rejected someone else).

by the way, upon reflecting on the time he actually rejected someone, khluen says "i said it directly, i didn't hesitate, i didn't spare her feelings", which is not only a reflection of shitty things that other people say about him rubbing off on him (which i will talk about later) but also simply of him being self-aware as to how literal he is.

♾ khluen only speaks when he wants to and when he finds it necessary

this manifests in many different ways. first of all, he is almost entirely silent while his crush is confessing his feelings to him, and on many other occasions when he is in the middle of some emotionally taxing conversations, he speaks in incredibly short sentences, often uttering no more than three words, while the other person has already uttered a hundred. second of all, when he is asked questions that would prompt allistics to expand on the subject under discussion, he answers very directly and therefore with few words, never offering any extra information that he isn't explicitly asked for (e.g. "do you have any talents?" - "i have some"). third of all, if someone asks khluen a question he doesn't want to answer, he simply says nothing: he offers no explanation for why he doesn't want to respond, doesn't even say "i don't want to talk about it". he very literally remains silent.

♾ khluen either explains nothing at all or overexplains himself

in connection with not saying much and often preferring to stay silent, khluen is - most of the time - annoyed that people demand an explanation for everything he says, does, wants, etc. however, whenever khluen is having an important conversation with someone, he provides excessive and most of the time unnecessary clarifications (e.g. he explains that his crush had no personal impact on him breaking up with his girlfriend, because though he did it because he realized he fell in love with his crush, the crush actually had no direct hand in it - now, this is obvious, because he and his crush have literally never spoken at that point, and there was just no way in which he could have affected khluen's relationship directly and intentionally).

♾ khluen is not familiar with unspoken social rules and can't read social cues

this manifests in about a thousand different ways.

khluen isn't entirely sure how to interact with people he knows indirectly (he picks up his crush after class and his friends, who khluen kind of knows through that crush, are there but khluen has no idea how he is meant to interact with them, so he just ends up slightly awkwardly ignoring them while talking to the crush). in connection with him having a hard time identifying different levels of relationships and behavior that typically corresponds to them, there is a scene where he tries (and fails) to explain the very platonic nature of the relationship between him and one of his friends (which is later consicely and extremely accurately described by said friend as simply a sibling-like relationship).

whenever he is asked some sort of personal information, he is genuinely baffled as to why he should reveal anything to people he doesn't know that well. khluen also asks very direct questions that are sometimes considered impolite or simply wouldn't typically be asked in the given context by someone who understands social rules better. while playing a game with his friends, where they have to reveal the first impressions of each other, khluen does not sugarcoat his initially negative impression of his friend. khluen also gets into an argument with one character because of a secret he had to keep (that wasn't his) only to find out later that he was apparently stupid for not realizing he could reveal that secret to that specific person in that specific situation despite promising to never tell anyone because there are exceptions to everything in this world and khluen just doesn't understand them. one character very explicitly tells khluen that "he seems to be the only one who can't tell how [his crush] feels about him", because others are able to deduce it through his body language and other implications, which are clearly foreign to khluen. this is also why he says that he always feels like he is "one step behind" in his relationships.

in connection with this, khluen also relies on other people to read the social situations that he is in. he literally asks his crush in the middle of a very serious conversation if he can call his best friend to consult him so he could make sure he doesn't say anything wrong during the very important conversation (which does not seem like a joke on his part, it seems like something he's genuinely done before). in general, whenever someone reveals some sort of information to khluen that he knows he is unlikely to understand himself (e.g. someone liking or disliking another person), he accepts it as truth right away because he feels like there is no way for him personally to deduce that kind of thing.

♾ khluen does not really show his emotions through facial expressions during particularly heartbreaking moments

so, first of all, as not just a khluen fan but also as a fan of the actor who plays him, archen, i can confirm that this is indeed not chen's typical acting style. in fact, we can see him being very expressive even as khluen in this drama - just not in particularly heavy moments. the way khluen's face is entirely blank while his very serious crush confesses that he likes him back in high school and the way he once again isn't showing any feelings with his face while finally having a real, honest conversation with the guy he's been in love with for years are the biggest examples of this.

♾ khluen does not know how to express his feelings in a way that other people want while being very honest and direct about them

he is self-admittedly "bad at talking and expressing himself" (to allistics, i'd like to add, because i understand him quite easily). when he is asked how he felt when he fell in love, he very seriously answers "i felt love, what else was i supposed to feel?" because there is a bit of a disconnect between what he's actually feeling and how to put it into more words - he directly states that he is in love and isn't sure what else he could say otherwise. in connection with expressing feelings (in a way that allistics do) being something that is difficult and overwhelming to khluen, he also says that he is "stupid when it comes to love" (and unfortunately "hates himself for it", which fuck the world for making the boy feel like the way he expresses himself is wrong).

♾ khluen is afraid of hurting other people because he does not fully understand their boundaries and implications

khluen is very acute to any discomfort or annoyance that he might cause to the point of being anxious about making someone uncomfortable at the smallest sign of it (e.g. one of the characters mentions he is bothered by strangers shipping khluen and him, and khluen is afraid it could somehow be his fault). when his friend (jokingly, according to her) tells him that "he shouldn't be with anyone [romantically]" precisely because of his misunderstanding of other people's signs, he takes it to heart, echoing the sentiment as potentially true multiple times throughout the series. there are several moments in the drama when he cries at the thought of having hurt someone else emotionally because that was not his intention at all, and there is even one time when a character calls him out on the "emotional damage that he has caused", to which khluen desperately responds that "he means well", while not really understanding what he has done wrong in the first place. khluen also apologizes all the time, many times, for anything and everything he can, almost always feeling like he's not quite doing or saying the right thing.

♾ there are certain things that other characters say about khluen which give us an idea of how he is perceived by society in general and those he is close to

people mention on multiple occasions that he seems proud and cold. one character says that he feels like khluen is "judging him with his eyes", while khluen is very confused at the comment, as he is just standing there, looking at the character normally. the same character says khluen is "tight-lipped and likes to make stoic faces". one of khluen's friends says that "people are afraid to approach him". she also says that he is "book-smart but otherwise a dumbass", with the latter part referring to the way in which he doesn't understand other people's signs well and also doesn't express himself in a way that most people (read: allistics) understand.

however, there are two characters who percieve khluen very differently from the rest, and i think this contrast is incredibly important for the bigger picture. the first one is khluen's mother, who is a lovely woman and a great parent. though she does not directly state anything antonymous to what i've described in the previous paragraph, she does understand khluen's signals very well and also clearly perceives him as the opposite of what the majority of characters describe him as. another one is khluen's best friend who he has known for years, noel, who once again does not directly wax poetic about khluen, but who supports him in a genuinely helpful and understanding way (e.g. he suggests khluen should go to the bar where his crush is, but when they actually go there and noel notices the first signs of discomfort, he explicitly apologizes for taking him there and asks if they should leave). needless to say, neither of the characters ever expresses any opinion that is even remotely close to what is described in the first paragraph of this section.

♾ other facts about khluen include...

... him often being unintentionally funny by just saying what he means; his best friend pointing out that he overthinks all his social interactions; him being praised for his acting skills (which duh - so much practice with masking); sunflowers likely being his special interest; and (though this is debatable as the camera angles don't allow to say this for sure) he seems to rock back and forth to calm himself down in stressful situations.

closing statement

i believe i have provided all the information i could on why i not only personally headcanon khluen as autistic, but genuinely consider it canon, despite simultaneously being sure that this was not deliberate on the part of the writers (and unfortunately we often get the best, most authentic representation when allistic writers don't realize that the label "autism" is attached to it). that being said, i would pay anything to interview the writers on their process of creating the character and also see how the director dealt with chen on set, because khluen is seemingly unintentionally one of the most relatable autistic characters i've ever seen on screen.

as promised, @sparklyeyedhimbo

[thefandomboysblog]

some thoughts after a day since the news;

(it's long, but important, imo)

y'know what's the worst thing of this whole mess? i don't know if anyone's said yet, but I'll say it. i am sure that with varying degrees both in the team at large and steven, shane and ryan, all of them were very excited and hoped for the best and that all of them hoped that the audience they've grown, that i assume they love deeply, for what we've done for their careers at large for all the content they make and they are passionate about, supported them in this like we've done, for so long. they said it on the video but i assume they also think that personally, and it isn't a white lie because none of them strike me personally like i've stated before as fake online creators.

...they've done this; they have put this out into the world and turns out we don't support that, at all. i mean we do, or at least I hope most of us do since the reasons are very understandable and yet most won't be able to do it monetarily which is precisely what they hoped for apart of the chance to create better and bigger content and i can't imagine how that must feel. scratch that. i do.

I have got Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), as an autistic person, and for example right now I don't have money because I'm unemployed, and I have to work so everytime i search for jobs it feels like a chore, like I'm giving up some freedom, and I'm losing control of my own life, because any job at all is not what I want to do, and I don't want my actual passion and I want to do as career, which is writing, to become a hobby. Trust me that feeling, it's awful. I am sure it doesn't feel like what it does to me but I can't imagine it feels good. However in this economy, i must.

they want to do something and it's so big, and like everything in this godforsaken capitalistic world it costs money. they want to be able to do it but for now in YouTube it seems imposible, even if it isn't, because that is why we're saying it's a bad choice; in their perspective, or because they haven't been adviced better, it's what they see.

so they come up with this, and their only support, their fanbase, they say that it's not good. Not only that and I don't want to name names here (people who hate Steven or in general just want an excuse to be mean), they say they hate them for it, that it is a dumb move from them. so they are absolutely bashing them, everywhere.

As individuals, as human beings, because some of us forget they are people and not characters, that must genuinely be heart breaking, perhaps even, i don't know, it feels like we've betrayed their hopes and their trust.

Which is exactly what they've done to us. And this is where our problem appears... They've lost touch with their fanbase and we, because, sadly, we lack context and that's their fault as well, aren't able to fully understand their perspective and their needs and what they actually can give us in exchange so it is, for both parties, worth it.

My point is, just be humane about this. Just try to understand all of them as people, although it feels like they've bretayed our trust, whatever happens, wether they backtrack or keep going; people can and will make mistakes and well sometimes those people have to learn the hard way. Lift them back up, if and when they fall. These are, still, the same people, some of us, have followed for many years, however long you've been a part of their journey, I am sure you have a special place for them, in your hearts.

[disabledbutchblues]

it fucked me up a little bit that the only thing that people seem/seemed to find worthy about me is also the thing that disables me the most. my brain.

as a kid i was lucky to not be fully dehumanized, unlike some other disabled people (especially those with high support needs and/or intellectual disabilities), because my "intelligence"/intellectual ability was recognized and allowed people to still see me as somewhat worthy despite my (undiagnosed) disability and despite all the ways i was very annoying and weird to them. they didn’t exactly see me as human and they only saw me as a potential for something, but they still saw me as a person, i think. someone to stare at and mock whenever i displayed symptoms, someone whose emotions did not matter that much, someone to yell at when i did weird things or cried, but still someone.

my brain could potentially get good grades, could potentially produce good ideas, which meant i could be useful. i taught myself i was worthy only if i was intelligent. i had no emotional abilities, no relationship abilities, no physical abilities,… i just had my brain, that could potentially be something good. good grades, good student. read a lot of books and use clever words. am very lucky i was able to have that, i recognize the privilege. but suddenly, two weeks into high school, my brain started to. fail me. couldn’t do things i used to be able to do. couldn’t do "basic" things. couldn’t understand "easy" stuff. everything wrong, was all stuck. reading books was hard, understanding anything at school was impossible.

i just stopped functioning. i was diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, then with adhd and, the worst but also the one that explained everything for me, autism. had been low support needs my whole childhood, was suddenly experiencing terrible executive dysfunction/autistic catatonia. i realized the one thing that was really wrong with me, what i had always been searching for, trying to understand why i wasn’t normal, why i couldn’t be normal, was my brain. my fucking brain isn’t like a "normal human brain." i’m disabled because of my brain (and maybe physical stuff but. not the point here).

i felt so betrayed.

i still feel so betrayed. the only moments i feel worthy as a person, the only moments i see myself as deserving of something, is when i do something clever. when i get a good grade on a test or when i analyse a book or when i learn about something. i hate myself unless i can use my brain for something deemed intelligent or useful by society.

because my body is weak and often in pain, i have no empathy, i can’t form relationships, i’m not good with coordination and crafts, i just have my brain but fuck it, of course said brain is also the source of most of my problems. i can’t do all the other things because of my brain. i hate it so much. it makes me hate myself.

i’m working on the internalized ableism. i really am. it’s also so weird because i never apply my logic to others. other humans are worthy no matter what they produce or how well they can learn/think/do things. they’re inherently deserving of rights.

but me ? i was told so many times that i was all wrong "but at least i could be clever." at least if i worked really hard i could be gifted ! i could be good ! i could maybe even be enough ! (i never was.) and i burned myself out trying to do this when of course i couldn’t because i was never gifted and my brain was never especially intelligent at all.

i just thought differently than other people, and i am lucky that for me, in some situations, it was sometimes useful. it made some things easier to learn (and others really damn hard).

it’s like i had the same intellectual abilities my whole life : as a kid they seemed high for my age, and now they seem kinda low, or at least weird. as a child i was told i was "mature" (except when i cried or showed inappropriate emotions or couldn’t tolerate normal things), now i am told i am childish and dumb and dependent and a burden and that it’s really annoying for everyone that i am so incompetent.

it’s like i didn’t grow but now life demands so much of me that i don’t even know how to do things i used to be able to do anymore. it’s like everything is wrong with me and i don’t know what i’m supposed to do with myself. i hate it. i have it so much better compared to some people and i know it but. i still hate this. i don’t know how to live

(am ok with advices or people relating or adding experiences or anything really)

[rainstormcolors]

hi! im curious how u feel about. Kaiba's ending in dsod as a devout kaiba fan

bc quite a few ppl ik *arent* rlly big on it for reasons that include but arent limited to "it ruins the message of letting the dead go and moving on like Yugi did" and etc which i dont agree with for sm reasons but im curious abt ur thoughts on the matter too 😭

Hello.

I’ve talked about DSoD and DSoD’s ending quite a bit over the years. I've come to understand the ending of DSoD to be layered on several levels, and it actually tackles several themes in the original work from different angles at the same time, and I think trying to force the ending into one neat "this is what definitely happened" box stifles that complexity. It’s deliberately open to interpretation. I also want to make room for fans who do not like DSoD. We have our preferences and individual concepts we value from canon, and carry personal experiences we relate to canon in different ways. Please understand to those reading this that it’s alright to omit this film from your internal design of canon.

I can talk some about my own relationship and journey with DSoD. I’ve loved Yu-Gi-Oh! for a long time. I watched the show as it aired and read the manga as it was released within the United States. One of my parents died when I was young. At the time I felt very disconnected from both that event and from the other people in my household. We never talked about our feelings and I was always vastly terrible at interpreting my own emotions and behaviors. The further catch here is we were seeing a grief therapist some, and I’d been in and out of therapy for a while before that as well. I just could not parse out any feelings at all and I didn’t know how to talk to other people about things. I was disconnected from it all. We flash forward to the release of DSoD. And to my surprise, something I didn’t expect from myself, I was talking to people. I was talking about what grief looked like even if a person wasn’t labeling it. I was talking about how sometimes we can’t name what we’re feeling. What I saw in DSoD were people grieving and I understood this. And I was communicating my ideas and emotions that had been so foggy up until then. I suppose this is the strange power of an autistic interest paired with personal experience – and I was actually trying to talk about feelings and trying to bond with other people.

And I was truly pondering on and reflecting -- not on a subconscious level but on a fully conscious one now -- on the loneliness and struggles the other people in my household had felt back then too. There had been a suicide attempt at a certain point which was something I had refused to let myself think about but I was now thinking about that too.

I like stories about the experience of grief over stories that are PSAs about grief. It was going to take a grief story with teeth and bite to awaken this piece of me, not a cutesy PSA on grieving. For me, it can feel like fandom at times has this idea that everyone has it in them to just talk about their feelings and reach out and that everyone has that, and that is just not true at all. (What a further surprise to me to discover later on why I was also drawn to elements of Death-T back then, back while I still felt so disconnected from “the experience of death.”)

I’m especially drawn to and touched by Seto’s narrative, but I think Yugi’s own story in DSoD harbors this as well. As I read this line, “it ruins the message of letting the dead go and moving on like Yugi did,” I think of how I feel the story was also about Yugi accepting that it’s okay for him to draw from the strength Atem gave to him and to feel inspired by Atem even though Atem is “gone” and that this is the meaning of why Atem joined Yugi in battle in that grand final showdown in DSoD.

As I said, there is the potential of multiple layered interpretations inside the film’s ending. There’s the theme of the power of friendship and love being able to break through the universe, that friendship can be so meaningful the barriers surrounding us can’t stop those feelings. It is love as a powerful force and Seto -- who had rejected others and feelings for so long, who has felt so disconnected from everything but those brief burning moments of winning -- has embraced love and what Atem meant to him. There is the hyperfictionalized portrayal of grief and its forms like emotions as art, and how grief stays with us but evolves and matures: Death-T as angry scarred grief and the negative impacts of the departed “villain” on the living “villain”, the Ceremonial Duel as the acceptance of grief and the positive impacts left by the departed “hero” on the living “hero”, and DSoD as finally seeing and understanding the departed one as just a person just as you are a person. And grief is a permanent marker on us. It doesn’t really go away. There’s the metaphorical portrayal of closure for the survivor finally being able to say goodbye to the one they love, to see that person outside of their grief for who they are and it’s painted in an artful and literal way, and it gives Seto the tools to move forward in life carrying Atem inside his heart. And there’s the wonder of science fiction as technology and humanity and the soul are fused. Our voices and images travel across the world through technology in our reality – could it travel even further? What are human beings capable of? And it’s about Atem still possibly being savable from this place, that death wasn’t his answer because people care about him. Someone wanted to see him this badly. There is no duel, no words we see exchanged, because this gesture already says everything. Seto being here to see Atem says everything.

It’s also a possible commentary on how scars don’t go away and sometimes we can’t save someone. Sometimes someone isn’t able to break free of their ghosts and it’s possible to wish peace for that person or to be left scarred by them or both at the same time. People can be warped by their trauma and not overcome it because it’s a hard hard road to walk. To only harbor any sympathy for the survivors who are healthy, cute, and palatable belies a very conditional idea of compassion. This isn’t to say the harm isn’t real or that people don’t need to be accountable for their actions, but they are human beings who have struggled and struggled. The wounds of trauma are not shallow and healing can be hard. Seto is only 18-years-old in DSoD.

Death and love are weaved throughout Seto’s entire story in canon.

While I understand what people mean as they say “Seto needs to face the consequences of his actions and should have a strain with Mokuba," when it’s employed as a critique of the movie, I also feel very strange and think, "That's just the way grief is. Or rather how it can be and how it is for a number of people.” As I said, my own family was horrible about any talking about our feelings in the wake of grief and then that suicide attempt. There was no PSA-type talk between us. For me, the mess of DSoD comes across as real even if it’s an exaggerated presentation.

I’ve also had very dark periods in my life, terrified of having no one understand me ever again, and this also grounds me into how Seto’s head and heart may have been working. I didn’t know how to talk to people about emotions, including my family even though I loved them, and everything felt dark and like I was endlessly sinking.

And I had a moment of truly understanding how profoundly alone my father must have felt when my mother died, as my father was just as friendless as I was and didn’t have outside family to help at all.

I had felt I was incapable of connecting with other people and I felt I saw that trait within Seto, and so watching canon tell me “the bond between Seto and Atem is real, it meant something” was very very moving for me. Even if you don’t know how to talk, you can find connection through what you do understand.

I do think it’s quite understandable for people to feel put off by DSoD and its ending. I think it’s quite fair that people root for Seto and Mokuba together and that they’ve hoped for a journey of healing. People become upset on Mokuba’s behalf. I personally connect with the messiness of grief and Seto’s conflicted heart and the artful and challenging portrayal of a person spilling over in grief. I do personally hold interpretations of Seto returning, so my answer here is also shaded by that. Even on Mokuba’s side, I’ve sort of been there and it allowed me to talk about that experience which isn’t an experience many people talk about. It’s very hush-hush in our day-to-day lives and it’s not easy to talk about.

Does DSoD reward Seto’s self-destructive behavior too much? I would say I’m not here for moral lessons and life is full of so many contradictions, so many tangled complicated layered emotions. It’s fair to hold this as a personal gripe with DSoD, but given the amount of audience backlash and discussion over this ending I don’t personally feel it’s actually a fully rewarding message. It’s more layered and thematic than that to me.

For a film for a big money-making mainstream shonen franchise, DSoD is unusually arty.

Again, people have their own experiences and people need different things from art. Someone else will carry a different relationship to DSoD, and someone else may need different things to come to terms with grief.

Thank you for the ask. I hope this answer wasn’t too wordy. I think it’s good to form your own opinions too. Thank you for reading my rambling.

[weebatron9000]

I actually enjoy a lot of Romance movies but this is my vibe right now.

So I know there was a whole scene about how Wade would “know this wouldn’t work” if they couldn’t touch, but i sort of just see that as an obvious, like? They could have DIED?. (And I made a post about this, but even as someone who dislikes touch, I definitely shed a dozen tears when they held hands because god was it cute)

But they were already completely in love before that scene, and they still would have been no matter how that scene played out. And the thing is, they likely aren’t Ace, so touch was important to them. They wanted it, they wanted to be able to express whatever forms of physical affection that they both desired.

But they didn’t need to.

As in, it wasn’t a prerequisite (god let’s hope I used that word right) because they were still fully capable of having feelings without touch.

And I don’t know? As someone without any real sexual desires, both because of my Asexuality and Autistic related aversion to touch?. That was kinda nice to see?. I’m not really a big romance person when it comes to my own life, and part of me wonders if that’s because Romance has always seemed so tied to touch? And I know I wouldn’t enjoy that.

So it’s nice to grow up and see stuff like this, cute animated movies that maybe convey something that wasn’t particularly meant to be so deep? Especially since Disney is sorta only dipping its toes in the water when it comes to diversity ?.

(Which is kinda funny when you consider that this is a movie about Fire and Water falling in love).

I…don’t really understand a lot, about a lot of things. Even when it comes to myself and my many spectrums, but I enjoyed this movie, and I probably would have enjoyed it even without any of This.

Then I saw some posts and hey! I had some thoughts!. So I’m gonna leave them here and go look at fan art.

\(^•^)/

[trkstrnd]

Ya know, i find interesting that once Carlos realized TK was "the one," he really just fully assimilated into the 126 crew and TK's circle and just kind of checked out whatever and whoever was left of his past personal life. It's almost like he was searching his entire life for the life line that he had and then that was it for him.

It's just real interesting to me, because it kind of actually really unhealthy to do that (or it is in real life)- BUT, I do think with TK, it's the only time he has EVER been truly happy.

i agree with you nonnie

and this may not be something that you might be looking for, but i feel like this is a perfect example of why i am pretty positive that carlos reyes is autistic.

i guess tw fan headcanoning mental illness but i have done such a dive into this as an autistic person myself.

i don’t know how it happened, but i’m pretty positive that carlos is my special interest, so when i look at him, i like to break down and analyze every facet of him and his character.

this means who he is how he dresses how he acts what he does, and this current canon plot (even though i hate it), really hammers it home for me.

carlos always grew up different, too “soft” for gabe. he was constantly outcasted by his family, and now by canon standards we are pretty sure he only had one friend in school (that we know of). so when we look at all of the things that went into this (shitty ass) plot point, we see the following.

-outcasted

-low support system

-loner

-people pleaser

-one really good friend

-acting out in ways that will make him fit in.

when you look at these together: they form a mask.

carlos has been masking his entire life, trying to be big and strong for his dad, trying to be the perfect son for his mom. he had one single friend who knew everything about him and he never really branched out because he was afraid of inconveniencing or burdening other people. his entire past life was one big neurotypical comphet mask that he lived until he found tk.

he’s absolutely terrified that any small minute shift in that mask will ruin things with everyone he cares about. it’s why he told his parents tj was his friend, and why he deflected when to got upset and asked why. he didn’t know what his reaction would be, so he took the only way where he knew the outcome. he knew tk was going to leave either way, but if he refused to tell him the truth, then the truth couldn’t disappoint him.

furthermore, he’s hyperexpressive (another learned trait in his masking) and he sometimes lets it slip for just a second, and something comes out (2.08: “but you seemed so happy.”). he tries his best to react normally in high stress situations, but it’s a lot more difficult in their personal life because he feels safer with tk and feels like he can be himself around him (2.13, the specific expression he has when tk tells him that copper is at the door), but when he’s in work mode, the only thing you’ll get from him most of the time is a jaw clench.

and he’s not fully unmasked around tk all the time. he’s getting there, but the rage punching was a perfect example of him not necessarily knowing how to regulate or process his emotions, so they manifest into rage and he takes it out on the punching bag.

and HOO BOY he stims. he rubs his hands together, rubs his knees, tends to clasp his hands in public or cross his arms.

he also hyperfixates on things to a point where it can get unhealthy at times (3.05, watching that nanny can until the /sun was up/, not sleeping?). it’s why he’s a good cop and possible detective. he’s pushy and not easily distracted and he doesn’t let anything get in the way of what he wants, because he’s chasing the dopamine.

he hates when his plans are derailed or ruined. he knows when something is wrong because he’s good at picking up patterns in people since he is so hyperaware. it’s a defense mechanism.

he also has a hard time understanding nuanced situations like cooper and the whole friend from work debacle. he tends to over or under react because he’s not sure how to navigate the situation and his feelings.

and finally, relating back to the ask, i agree that carlos never was truly happy until he found tk, because tk kind of helps him navigate the world that is good for both of them. the perfect example of this is in 3.18, while he’s trying to give the speech, and paul and marjan and nancy interrupt because they know where it’s going. carlos looks like he’s about to murder someone for a split secind and he whispers something to tk, but tk is giddy and squeezes his hand because the message was received regardless of the heartfelt speech.

tk is his lifeline. he helps him navigate and understand the world around him, and carlos is able to be his fullest and truest self with him.

i think you’re right, nonnie. he wanted to get rid of his life before because he finally found something worth living for.

tl;dr: carlos reyes is autistic and never fit in until he found tk and realized he doesn’t need to fit in to be loved.