#I originally thought that up at work in like 2017-2018 because I was cleaning the floor and got cold

[jaejoongs-nipple-piercing]

Hopefully I’ll have a chance to work on some fanfic writing later today in between cleaning and moving photos from iCloud to my computer. If I can bust out the 8 I had planned earlier last month plus a couple others that would decrease what’s in my drafts. Which would be a good thing because I have too many.

[sweetbillwriting]

The Real Deal

Part 9 - Skarsgård

Characters: AU Single Bill Skarsgård. A version of Bill where he becomes single 2017 and with a different timeline. AU Skarsgårds and others. The rest is my own original characters.

Setting: The story will jump from 2001 until present day. This chapter jumps between 2018 and 2020.

Warnings: 18+, smut, alcohol, drunkeness, sex work.

Cassie walked through Bill's apartment. It was only the second time she had been there even though he had owned it for more than a year and a half. It was obvious it was newly renovated but it was still quite modest. Cassie did like luxury and extravagance but when it came to Bill she really liked that he was so humble. There were luxurious apartments in Stockholm, even in Södermalm but he still lived in the old neighborhoods close to his family and where he had grown up. The apartment wasn't that big and it even was a bit cramped where he had the big dining table and even his bedroom.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Bill said so Cassie stopped in her steps. "Take off your shoes!"

Bill had taken off his outerwear, a long coat and boots while Cassie just walked in with her high heeled boots and puffer jacket.

"I just wanted to look around," she said apologetically and moved back to the hallway.

"Not with shoes, especially not heels, you can ruin the carpet. And I just cleaned." He took a hold of her luggage, he would never roll the dirty wheels inside.

"Have you cleaned by yourself?" She smiled and took off her jacket.

"What? Do you think I would hire someone just to clean this place?" He faked offensiveness but smirked a bit. "My mom would have never let us become like those sort of people, who can't clean up after themself. I was in charge of cleaning the bathroom in my teens." He started to carry the luggage to his bedroom. Cassie smiled to herself and walked behind him. His place was cleaner than hers but she knew it wouldn't be if he lived there more and she would have come unannounced.

"Are you hungry or something? He asked when he turned around to her. She walked closer to him and encouraged him to bend down so she could kiss his lips.

"Maybe," she said teasingly and continued to kiss him.

"Can I make an omelet for you or something? A salad? Pesto pasta? I made pesto yesterday," he continued even if he could see what Cassie thought of. She still made him nervous, he had never been with a girl so instatiable and he himself was use to not having that much sex. She played with the zipper of his jeans while biting her lip. When her fingers moved in under his sweater to drag her nails through his happy trail he shuddered with delight. He kissed her lips again and looked at her with heavy eyes when she cupped him between his legs.

"So no pesto?" He asked and dragged his hands over her back.

"I don't know how you serve it. Maybe it could be fun…" she teased and kissed him again. Bill made an amused exhalation and hugged her waist. When she continued to kiss him Bill's hands moved up and took hold of her head and controlled the kisses to angle her face just the way he wanted. He was a great kisser and knew exactly how to do it to make it tingle down her spine.

They had been together for three months now and even if some time had been over Skype it had been really good. Cassie was surprised how easy it was to transition from being his friend to his girlfriend and quietly wondered if they maybe always had been a bit over the line. They had always flirted, teased one another but she had always thought many did it that way. But she had never really had a partner she had really cared for. Bill on the other hand has had several and Cassie wondered what they had thought about her. She knew the latest didn't like her, it was obvious because of her restraining of Bill's contact with her but she also wondered if the others had felt the same. Was that a factor to them losing contact while he filmed the series in Canada?

They had moved to the bed, the bed Bill had bedded so nicely in beige linen sheets. Their clothes laid in piles next to the bed, even Bill's socks that he could forget to take off sometimes. Cassie had made it clear to him that he must take them off because they were so unsexy and he had started to learn, his exes had never been so picky about it. He watched her body closely while she rode him. He loved doing that, seeing every jiggle, how good she took his cock. She held his hands over his head like she had the power even if they knew he easily could flip her around but he liked her acting like she had the power. She even talked dirty. Called him names and talked about his cock in a way no girl had before. When he complimented her body, her eyes and movement she could smirk and call him needy. It was different but fun. He blamed his Swedishness as to why he had a harder time talking that way, why he wasn't comfortable taking the power fully. Sure, he could spank her but he always did it and then gave her a loving kiss, like he always was a bit scared to go over the line, to do something wrong. She changed the position to reversed cowgirl and he looked at her amazed by her confidence.

"I know you want to see my ass, filthy boy, you always look at my ass."

He spanked her lightly but sat up to kiss her neck and back and with strong hands helped her move against him.

"I always have. Your ass is perfect."

"So let me work it. Little boys like you should just lay back and take it.” She pushed him away until he laid back again. She didn't need help to move her hips, she did that so well all by herself. He watched his cock going in and out of her and her ass and hips. As always with Cassie he sounded out more than he was used to. She really didn't need any help, she let his cock glide almost out of her before taking him fully again. She played with his balls with one hand while doing it and he could feel in his stomach how close he was.

"I'm close, can we…" he said with a strained voice.

"No. Just take it, baby," she said and clenched around him. Bill felt powerless under her but it was a nice feeling and she really took care of him. He felt spoiled. He came not long after that but he fingered her at the same time because it was important for him that she came too, especially because she had once read to him a comment by a one night stand that he hadn't succeeded in giving them an orgasm. He never wanted Cassie to believe he was so egoistic.

They laid together in bed, Cassie on his chest, playing with his long fingers.

"Is this weird?" She asked just when Bill was close to sleep.

"Hm?" He said without opening his eyes.

"Is this weird? That it is so natural to do this?"

"You're just really good at it," he said with a tired voice.

"What?" She asked and Bill opened his eyes. She wasn't talking about the same thing.

"Hm?" He said again. Cassie smiled and kissed the scar on his cheek.

"Is it weird that it is so easy being a couple?"

"Oh, hm. Maybe. Should it be weird?" He asked and looked at her chest. He just wanted her again and could feel himself fill with blood again.

"We have been friends for twenty years."

Bill nodded and dragged his thumb over her nipple and it made her giggle. He smiled boyishly and did it again.

"Are you in this conversation?" Cassie asked and searched for his eyes but she was just amused by it all. Suddenly he was sixteen again.

"Can't we just… play again?" He said and moved the cover so she could see his hard cock. "This time I can be in charge." He took her hand and embraced it around his hard shaft.

"You're such a dirty boy. I can't even have a grown up conversation with you. You just think about pussy. Wet warm pussy,"

He dragged a hand over his face while she slowly started to jerk him off.

"Let me be in charge."

"You ask for it? You don't ask for control, you take it."

She dragged her thumb over his tip and his leg jerked.

"Are you already close? Come on, what is this? You can't even hold it in a couple of minutes." He just smiled at her words and let her jerk him off until he came over his stomach.

Cassie felt her heart beat hard. Sure, she had done this with many men but to see Bill becoming a little boy in her hands, that boy she was in love with in her teens was amazing on a whole other level.

×

The hair laid in different directions, some of them were too long while others were shorter than the others. It wasn't the best mustache she had seen, it was too sparse and looked like the mustache her brother had when he was eighteen. He took a gulp from his beer and looked at Cassie when he felt her intense stare.

"What?"

"Are you keeping that mustache now? Sure it suits your face but you look like you are fifteen."

"I’ll shave it off soon. I just don't want to shave it off before I know we don't need to redo any scenes."

"Is it the same with the tattoos?" She nodded to his hand. Bill smiled and flexed his hand.

"I think they look a bit cool."

Cassie smiled and shook her head. Close up it was obvious they were fake. She took a gulp from her beer and took his hand to look at them, in the movement his sweater sleeve rode up revealing a red mark on his wrist.

"What's that?"

"Oh, it's from the handcuffs." He touched the mark and then showed her the other one. Cassie looked confused at him and Bill laughed.

"I got handcuffed to a bed. By a crazy lady that wants to rape me." Cassie made a face and laughed.

"This movie sounds insane."

"It is, but fun."

Cassie touched the imprint on one of his wrists and smiled to herself. She had also had similar marks but was better at hiding them. Bill had never seen them. Maybe Bill was a bit proud of his while she wasn't. He had only used some pink furry shit his ex had once but they broke as soon as he pretended to try to break free and he definitely hadn’t ever been arrested. He hadn't even gotten a parking ticket.

It was fun to pretend he was a bit more dangerous than he actually was. He looked around at the pub, he couldn't put his finger on it but he suddenly felt watched. He saw the girl in the corner of the pub. She sat with some girlfriends who looked a bit at him too, but not nearly as much as that girl. She had beautiful, dark ebony hair and red lips. She reminded him of Hedy Lamarr or some other vintage actresses. He turned away and took a big gulp of his beer. Cassie looked at him fidgeting with a coaster and looking towards the girl who sometimes still stole glances at him just as intensely as before.

"She's looking at me, right?" He said to Cassie. Cassie felt her annoyance rise. This was their night but now it felt like she had lost his attention to a girl with perfect eyeliner.

"It looks like it…" she just said and pretended to be bored.

"Can I walk up to her? In this sort of place?" Bill looked around and met the girl's eyes again. Cassie looked down at the bar.

"I thought you didn't like picking girls up at bars?"

Bill smirked.

"She's…" he kissed his fingertips. "Sometimes you must…"

Cassie looked behind Bill and there the girl stood. When Bill saw Cassie look behind him instead of at him he turned around and met the girl's eyes.

"Oh, shit, hey," he said and dragged a hand through his hair. The girl smiled, she looked a bit nervous but like she tried to hide it. Cassie didn't want to look at them but couldn't stop herself. Bill smiled that big contagious smile and straightened his back to show off his height. She could just hear some words here and there when they spoke but for her it was obvious. The girl knew exactly who Bill was even if she pretended she didn't. The girl dragged her fingers over the mark on his wrist just like Cassie had and then down over the tattoos. Cassie heard him explain that it was for a movie and the girl feigned a surprised interest even if it was obvious it didn't come as a surprise at all. Cassie took a big gulp from her beer and ordered a new one. She almost regretted that she had met Bill instead of meeting a client. She didn't find it being a fun night watching some girl fool Bill. Bill wasn't easily impressed by girls but just as other dudes he sometimes just thought with his dick and it was obvious the girl was pretty.

Bill went back to Cassie’s when the girl disappeared, he had a swagger in his steps.

"Ehh… I’ll probably head out soon," he said carefully but with a mischievous smile. Cassie raised an eyebrow and looked at him. Bill swallowed hard. He knew it was awful behavior to leave her but he felt he had a big chance to get laid.

"Really? With a fan again?" Cassie said, giving Bill a pointed stare. He looked at her in silence then laughed a little.

"She isn't a fan, she doesn't even know who I am."

Cassie shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"She doesn't, we’ve already talked about it." He scratched his elbow and Cassie could see that she had annoyed him. She didn't say anything but she could tell that Bill had a tinge of worry growing in him.

"Whatever you say, I just don't want you to get all anxious again." Cassie shrugged her shoulders and continued to drink her beer.

Bill was quiet a while then snatched her beer because his glass was empty.

"I'm going to take a piss but tell her I’ll be right back, okay?" He said it clearly like he was afraid she would destroy things for him but Cassie rolled her eyes again.

The girl came out while Bill was in the bathroom and looked around worried when she didn't see him.

"He's on the toilet," she said and faked friendliness.

"Oh," said the girl and giggled and walked up to Cassie.

"Because you’re looking for Bill, right?" The girl blushed a bit.

"Yeah."

"Skarsgard?" Said Cassie with a neutral voice and the girl started to giggle again. Cassie looked at her annoyed. She wasn't just annoyed that the girl tried to fool Bill but also her insane giggle. Was she twelve years old?

"Look honey," said Cassie, patronizing and faking a smile. "Bill, he is a great guy–"

"Oh is he your… date or something?"

Cassie sighed. Now she also was annoyed that the girl had interrupted her.

"He doesn't want any… connections with fans, okay? And I get that you are one so I think this isn't a great idea."

"Are you his girlfriend or something? Or why are you trying to decide who he should sleep with? I thought he had been single for months now." The girl said with an aggressive voice now. Cassie looked at her pontingly, she had just exposed herself as a fan but also proved she was even prepared to get angry just to get a piece of him.

"Just let it be. If you go now you will be able to escape before I tell him you lied to him and know about his dating history."

The girl looked annoyed at Cassie but then turned towards the toilets.

"We have been friends for twenty fucking years, he will listen to me, not you," Cassie said with the same hard voice, then drank up her beer and stood up on her high heels so she became taller than the girl. She never felt unstable or exposed on heels; they just made her become that bad bitch she wished she was when she was younger.

"Fine." Said the girl, annoyed as she walked to her friends to tell them to leave with her. Bill came out just when the girl left, Cassie saw them look at each other but the girl looked away quickly but not before giving Cassie one more angry look. She had just destroyed her chance to sleep with Eric Northman's brother.

Bill looked at Cassie, not with confusion but with a tired look. He knew she had taken care of it for him. The time in the bathroom had made him look at the conversation with the girl again. She had "guessed" he was from Sweden. She had never heard about IT, even if she loved horror. She laughed at every silly thing he said. He wasn't that funny. Not even his height could make him that appealing. He was relieved Cassie had taken care of it but annoyed she was right and had acted after that guess.

"Don't give me that look. I just don't want you feeling bad tomorrow," said Cassie and gave him his bomber jacket.

"Yeah, yeah… Fuck, I really thought I could get… a hand job or something..!" He said it with a painful voice like he was close to tears.

Cassie just watched Bill amused and shook her head. She would gladly fuck him but that offer would probably destroy their friendship. They took a cab home to Cassie’s in silence. The both of them thinking about sex. The both of them thinking about each other.

×

He walked in front of her like he was walking on a catwalk, made a pose with his hands on his hips and a douchey but contagious smile. She knew it was for the character as were the striped bell bottoms and the tight t-shirt. "Spola kröken" it said on the t-shirt, meaning "dump the booze" even if she knew the character was unsober fifty percent of the time.

"You're looking good, mister," she said and let Bill walk the catwalk again. They were in a fitting room trying out all his costumes for the series. Bill wasn't a fashion lover but it was obvious he liked the clothes and to embrace the 70s and the loveable criminal. He walked up to Cassie and laid his hands on her waist.

"You don't want to… nuppa lite with Clarken, beautiful?" He said with a heavy Swedish accent and Cassie couldn't stop herself from laughing.

"What does that mean?" She asked and laid her arms around Bill's neck then watched her with heavy lidded eyes.

"You know, baby making," he said like it was something sexy he had just said. Cassie dragged her hands down over the t-shirt and down to his pants.

"These are very low, do you have underwear under them?" She pulled up the t-shirt to look at the low raised pants. She could see that Bill flexed his stomach.

"See something you like?" He continued to talk in that swedish accent and Cassie laughed with a sigh and kissed him to shut him up. Maybe that was the reason Clark got laid, because they just wanted to shut him up? They kissed until one of the costume designers came back and then Bill became himself again, changing into his own black slacks and long sleeved t-shirt.

"So do you feel ready for this now?" Bill asked, watching Cassie fix her make-up in one of the fitting room mirrors. She looked at herself then at Bill in the mirror.

"Nothing is new, right? Yet still everything feels new," she said and smiled nervously. Bill leaned against the wall and continued to look at her with big searching eyes.

"It's not like it will be unpleasant. They already love you."

Cassie smiled and took Bill's hand.

"Okay…"

They were invited to dinner at his fathers, the whole family was and for the first time in forever all of the children would come. It would be cramped around the table and Stellan had cooked all day. It was also time for Bill and Cassie to tell them all about them now being a couple. They knew Cassie well, really well so Bill wasn't that nervous. It felt like just a thing they needed to know but otherwise it would be the same as before. Cassie was already a part of the family. She on the other hand was quite nervous. She just wondered if they would be just as positive to her as his girlfriend now rather than as his friend. Bill would be the only one with a partner that didn't speak Swedish. She had learned to recognize some phrases and words but when they all spoke at once, like they often did, she couldn't follow the conversations. Maybe they would feel a non Swedish girlfriend would complicate their dinners. Bill's ex was Swedish and she had probably been able to be a part of everything they talked about.

When they came to his fathers everyone was as friendly as they always were, they hugged and talked and invited her into conversations. It wasn't anything like her own family who just spoke when they complained over something. Bill caressed her back when he went by, taking her hand when it was time to sit down by the table. No one reacted to it because they had always been that way to each other. They remembered the summer the two of them met when they were eleven and how Bill would take her hand to make her feel comfortable with them but also while being in other Swedish situations. He took care of her when she was young and nervous, when they became older she took care of him when he got stuck in his own head.

They all ate and drank. Stellan was an amazing cook and everyone ate too much because it was so good. They talked all at the same time because it was impossible to have one conversation with the whole table. After Bill had drunk four glasses of wine he suddenly hit his glass with the backside of his knife. Cassie swallowed hard because she knew that it was time but also because she knew Bill had drunk just enough to make a thing of it. The whole family turned their attention towards Bill and he looked smug, he looked like he had done when he acted like that character. Cassie didn't dare to look at the others so she just watched Bill. He played with the knife in his hand, threw it up in the air and caught it. On the third time he missed and it hit his plate with a loud bang and Alex was fast with commenting on it. Both Eija and his girlfriend hushed him because they wanted to hear what Bill would say.

"I'm just going to say this because fuck it, you don't need some long explaination." He looked down at Cassie with a dopey smile and she couldn't stop herself from smiling back and laughing at him.

"After almost twenty years as friends, Cassie is finally my girlfriend!" He said and raised his glass to her and then the others. Alex and Valter started to bang the table like they were at a soccer game when Bill dragged Cassie up to kiss her. She just laughed into the kiss so it became all messy.

"Finally!" Shouted Gustaf and joined the slamming and shouting the others created. Even Stellan joined the chaos but Bill's mother just laughed and gave Cassie a heart warming smile. Cassie felt her heart beat hard in her chest and how the tears were close. She hadn't expected at all that they would react the way they did and couldn't help herself from kissing Bill again, a bit too inappropriately in front of his whole family but he didn't react and just lifted her from the ground while kissing her.

A bit later when the family had become calmer and some had gone home, Bill sat with Alex and his father at the balcony while Cassie and Valter helped Stellan's wife with tidying up. The men shared a cigar, an expensive one his father got from a director friend and talked lowely in Swedish.

"This explains why you just celebrated your thirtieth birthday with her. I had thought we would get some sort of party but I guessed you had your own," said Alex and smirked teasingly at Bill. Bill smiled a little, the alcohol had left his blood now and he was more quiet again but also tired.

"It wasn't like I really could have a party. It's a pandemic."

"Meh, we could have found a way to walk around that."

Their father laughed a bit and shook his head. He knew Alex wanted a party more than Bill.

Bill disappeared in his own thoughts while Alex started to talk about having a party for him after the pandemic. Bill was pleased with the way he had celebrated with Cassie. They had rented a suite and were just eating and drinking good while she was dressed in one of her little numbers. He had shuddered in delight just by seeing her. He looked down at the vintage Omega watch around his wrist. He had got it as a gift from her. He had felt it was a bit much and had a hard time accepting it because he could tell it was expensive. He knew she didn't earn that much and knew she must have saved a long time to give him such a nice gift.

When Stellan had walked in Alex turned to Bill again.

"Can you satisfy all her needs?" He said with a funny voice.

"Hm?" Bill wasn't prepared for the question and rubbed his eye.

"What do you mean by that?" Bill laughed a little uncomfortable.

"I think we all know that girl is… passionate. And I guess she's passionate in all ways," said Alex and wiggled his eyebrows. Bill smiled to himself then gave his older brother a smile that said it all. Alex laughed but then they left the subject.

"We are searching for an apartment," Bill said and took out a snus to put under his lip.

"Really? In New York?"

Bill shook his head and played with the snus box in his hands.

"Here in Stockholm actually. Cassie felt we should be close to family." He smiled warmly to his brother who gave him the same smile back. The both of them liked to hear she thought of them as family.

"I can check around if you want? How big?"

Bill changed the position in his chair and thought back on Cassie's expression when they had discussed the same thing.

"Three bedrooms. So we can have it for a long time."

He didn't really want to say the reason to Cassie why he wanted to have such a big apartment because he knew she would be stressed but he knew what he wanted. What he wanted with her.

Alex just nodded. He didn't react so much to Bill's words.

"So she's looking for jobs here?"

Bill did a loud exhalation and smiled.

"Yeah, Eija just said she would help her. But… I don't think it's that important?"

His brother gave him an amused smile.

"You really want to live like dad did when you were little."

Bill licked his lips and opened the snus box then closed it again when he realized he already had one under his lip.

"I just want to have her by my side and when we get… I mean, it would be easier with that sort of life."

Alex sighed with a smile.

"Is she really the right girl for that? She has never seemed that interested in having a family and she has always had her fashion dream."

Bill didn't say anything, just looked at the houses surrounding them. Of course he knew Cassie wasn't the kind of girl to give up her career and even if she said she wanted the glamour she did like to earn her own money and get it for herself. He just hoped she would feel differently now that they were a couple. That she would want to be with him all the time, care for their children and let him take care of her. But she was so independent that many times he felt like he didn't know everything about her. Sometimes he wondered who she was without him but it was also the thing that kept him curious.

"I think everything will sort itself out. We have had a twenty year long foreplay. We're ready for this."

×

[tay-bee]

Fresh Start!

Finally finished cleaning this blog! Yeah I could’ve just picked up where I left off, but I wanted a fresh start (plus I didnt want cringe highschool Tay out there eagh)

I deleted all my reblogs up until the last few things- ive left up my own fanart I still kinda like, might keep some of the original art up but idk yet.

I think im going to update my theme but that can wait-

According to dates the last of my activity was 2018- not as far back as I thought! Some life updates below:

I turn 29 in a few days. Ive had this blog since I was 16?Wild!

It still feels like im stuck at 25- Its been hard ngl. Depression makes it hard to keep trying sometimes, but I just keep myself busy.

It was strange going through all the old posts- seeing things from old friends who kinda vanished from my life, old fandoms I used to care so much about. I could see every era of my life and it made me nostalgic as HELL.

I make fursuits full time now! I remember posting my first attempt here in 2017- somehow that escalated to full time self employment!

Its not exactly what I wanted as a career, but hey its close enough!

Art is still my passion though. For a long time it was really hard, my confidence in my work is still broken and im slowly picking up the pieces. Ive been drawing a lot of fanart thats doing well on twitter, but now that site is burning down so trying to get established elsewhere (fuck you, Elon. You’re putting my livelihood in danger because of your midlife crisis)

I would also like to use this blog as a place to kinda put my thoughts into the world maybe? I always felt so afraid to on twitter cause text limits and how public it felt. And I cant afford therapy sooooo-

I miss comics, I really do. I know a good chunk of this blog for a while was just shilling my comics. I still really want to finish Sea Children, at this point I think I need to in order to move on with my life. But I just dont have the time, and its hard to get in the mindset to put that amount of work into a project for the large possibility no one sees it, or that I might end up at square one of feeling like no one cares.

But! Im feeling better about my art, and want to start sharing it again. Gonna start slow, so If anyone cares, might be seeing that soon!

💖💖💖

[cyberjaiee]

(｀Δ´) ﹒ ❋﹒📦 ﹒manifestation lesson one !? ﹐✩

⠀

# WHAT THE HELL IS MANIFESTING . . . !!! 🩹 ★?!% ft. my personal manifestation back story

⠀

i was reading a post on pinterest one day and i fully realized just what it is when i’m manifesting. unfortunately, the post had no credits ( it was cropped out because ppl tend to think that’s a good idea.. ) but if u think i’m referring to your post, shoot me a dm and i’ll edit in credits !!

thankfully, i wasn’t in my law of attraction phase for long. i practiced law of attraction beliefs when i had first started shifting in 2018.

i thought i needed to take a shower, read my script, clean my room, stay happy, all of the law of attraction bullshit, in order to shift. i thought i had to do all this before attempting to shift in order for it to be a successful shift. of course, that never worked because like i said, it’s bullshit. so since it didn’t work i took a break, for a couple of years lol. i didn’t get back into shifting until 2021 when i had became unhappy with my body bc of personal experiences, so i desired change. yes, when it blew up on tiktok. i became reliant on it because i wanted to do anything i could to get away from my void ( current ) reality. i was using shifting as a desperate escape, i became obsessed. then i stopped again, because obviously it wasn’t working. then, i started hating my body again as old memories started resurfacing. they started to haunt me more and more.

in comes : subliminals.

i’ve known what subliminals were since 2017 when i started listening to subliminals to improve myself mentally, in hope my parents would be proud of the person i had become. i’m not going to get into that at all in this post so anyways-

when i started hating my body in 2021, i started listening to subliminals for a flatter chest, flatter stomach, tiny waist, abs- yk…. the things dysphoria can do to you. my desires where all over the place as i was still unsure what my gender identity was. one day, while listening to subliminals, a video was recommended to me.

in comes : hyler.

i love hyler with my entire being. without her i probably wouldn’t have found the law of assumption for a while. to this day, i still watch hyler just for fun, i love her energy and she frequently adds a new perspective with how i manifest. but anyways, hylers full explanation on what the law of assumption was, was the video that i watched. instantly, i fell in love. i loved the law of assumption and had more faith in it. since discovering, i binged all of the videos she had posted at that time was able to manifest plenty of things, but all of the ‘big’ manifestations came in ‘late’.

for a while i stopped consciously manifesting but would still watch hyler until she mentioned another youtuber and i checked her out as well.

in comes : sammy ingram.

i started watching sammy for self-concept and physical appearance related things. i liked her confidence so i listened and with this i was able to work on my self-concept a bit, but no major changes. after a while, i started wanting my ex back…. an embarrassing era tbh.

now i don’t watch sammy anymore, i personally do not like what she teaches and you’ll understand why very soon.

this is not with the intent to start drama or throw any types of shade. i’m simply stating some beliefs i had which, tbh, where both me and sammy’s fault.

now that we’re done with my goofy ass manifestation origin story, let’s get back on track. the pinterest post. sammy often preached about ( past tense bc idk what she talks abt now ) saturating your subconscious mind. she would talk about keeping a mental diet, affirming as much as you could, etc etc. and back then, i took it as truth. subliminals would talk about the same thing, saying : listen at least 30 mins a day, stick to your playlist, only listen to one topic then flush etc etc. now, i realize how untrue all of this is.

i would make subliminals with affirmations like ‘ive always had clear skin’ or ‘i already have my results’ but i would always look at it as revision affs. the truth is, i have TRULY always had clear skin. i actually do ALREADY have my results

every version of yourself from every reality you exist in is morphed into you. you are every single version of yourself that is possible. once you realize this, you’re at your highest power constantly. reality exist, the physical reality is real, just not in the way you think. its a real reality but not 'your' reality. not the one you're meant to be conscious of. you are able to shift anywhere easily and instantly, there's literally nothing that can stop you. there are infinite realities, there is a change in each reality. even the smallest changes exist in another reality. the small fact that a piece of your rug is facing another direction in this moment, is a reality in itself. everything is the same, except the fact that a piece of your rug is facing another direction, right now. any change that could possibly exist, no matter how many changes there are, it does.

when you shift realities, you are not yeeting your body into some other dimension with the possibility of being stuck, no. a shift in reality is simply a shift in consciousness. in one reality you aren’t even reading this post, in another you stopped reading a few seconds ago, but in this one, in the reality you are consciously aware of, you are still reading this. you’re constantly shifting, each moment you are shifting to a reality where you are doing what you are doing right now, thinking what you’re thinking right now, ykwim ?

ok that was a lot.. are you still with me ??

when you shift, you become aware of another reality that simultaneously exists with the one you are aware of right now. you don’t create anything, it already exists. you are simply unaware of that reality.

like i said before, you are one with every you in each reality always. you are never GETTING anything, it has always been yours. listening to subliminals, affirming, etc, it’s all just a reminder of what you already have. for example, i tell myself : ‘i have a tiny waist.’ of course i do. there is a reality where i have a super tiny waist and all i’m doing is becoming aware that it’s something i have. everything is the same, but instead, i now have a tiny waist. i'm in that reality now.

i used to think you’d have to work on your self-concept to manifest. when really, i don’t need to do anything but become aware. you don’t need to do anything but occupy the state of having your desire. you do not need to remove all your limiting beliefs, you don't need to saturate your subconscious, you don't need to go on a mental diet, you don’t have to fully believe or work on your self-concept, stop trying to be so perfect and stop abiding by these rules that never existed. trust yourself, know that everything you want is already yours. once you occupy this state, once you realize you are just shifting to a reality that you already exist in, you will realize just how easy and effortless this all truly is. when i listen to subs i’m reminding myself of what i have, same with visualizing, affirming, etc. my physical ( 3d ) reality has already conformed, i am just becoming aware of the reality where that is obvious. i’m not getting my desire, i’m reminding myself that i’ve had it for as long as i wanted.

this is why people say thinking of your desire brings it to you. it’s not an exaggeration for fast results, it’s true. the moment i desire something, i realize that there are infinite realities and infinite versions of me that already have what i desire. so, by getting into the mindset of having my desires, my reality will shift to give me my desires. i persist in the assumption that i already have what i want and instantly there is evidence of it in my physical reality. whatever i keep assuming manifests because my subconscious will find it true and will make me aware of the reality where that exists. i just change my thoughts.

in the next post i will explain what i do to manifest,, yk so that its fun and extra <33

side note - when i was checking my timeline i came across these angel numbers lol, was scared as hell to post this but i am seeing this as reassurance,, if u like this pls lmk :

© @cyberjaiee - 2022

[9worldstales]

MCU: Loki and Midgardian clothes

So, I’ve seen some fans wondering how could Loki fix Mobius’ tie since Asgardians clearly do not wear ties…

…and it made me wonder ‘is this a mistake or Loki was actually familiar with Midgardians clothes?’

So let’s start with the sources at our disposition to answer this question.

SOURCES MENTIONED:

Movies: “Thor” (2011), “The Avengers” (2012), “Thor – Ragnark” (2017)

Series: “Loki” [More exactly a scene from: “Marvel Studios' Loki | Official Trailer | Disney+”] (2021)

Comics: None mentioned

Direct-to-video animated film: None mentioned

Motion comics: None mentioned

Books: “The Art of Thor” (2011), “The art of The Avengers” (2012), “The Art of Thor: Ragnarok” (2017), “Marvel Studios: All your questions answered” (2018)

Novels: “Thor: Ragnarok - The Junior novel” by Jim McCann (2017)

Webs: None mentioned

Others: “Thor” old movie script

Okay, now we can start.

So, as weird as it might seem at first, the second answer, which is that Loki is familiar with Midgardian modern attires, might be the intended one, right from “Thor”.

Let’s go back to that movie.

Thor is clearly unfamiliar with present day Midgard as a whole, and so are his friends.

We’ve various moments in which Thor shows he’s unaware of present day Midgardians customs, like when he can’t realize he’s in doctors’ care and thinks they’re attacking him (in a deleted bit, when they tell him they’re trying to help him, he demands they bring him healing stones, showing he has no idea how Earth’s healing system work), or when he breaks a glass asking another believing he’s showing appreciation for the drink, or when he enters in a pet shop, demands a horse and when they tell him they’ve only dogs, cats, birds, demands one of them big enough to ride.

It doesn’t mean he never went to Midgard, in the movie there’s the implication he had been on Midgard before...

Thor: We're going to Jotunheim. Fandral: What? This isn't like a journey to Earth where you summon a little lightning and thunder, and the mortals worship you as a god. This is Jotunheim.

...and there was a cut scene in which he recognized being on Midgard and even calling it ‘Earth’.

Thor: Blue sky... one sun... This is Earth, isn't it?

And there’s another cut scene that says that yes, Sif and the Warriors Three had been on Earth… but a thousand years ago.

Volstagg: Is it just me, or does Earth look a little different to you? Sif: It has been a thousand years... Volstagg: Things change so fast here. You leave for a millennium, and it's like the whole neighborhood's gone.

Now, Loki was a babe in 965 AD and “Thor” takes place in 2011. Sif likely doesn’t mean exactly 1000 years but, what’s more, we don’t know how exactly Asgardians age in the MCU.

Does their childhood last as much as ours and then their aging process slow down so as to allow them to live 5000 years? Or their aging process is proportionately all slowed down and they remains babes for years?

I tend to think their childhood is fast and then they have a slower aging process once they reach a certain age, but anyway this is irrelevant. Even if Loki visited Midgard 1000 years before and was familiar with its customs back then, well, things, as Volstagg points out, are changed a lot.

So… where do we can get an idea if Loki is familiar with Midgard or not?

When Loki goes to see Thor, he shows up dressed up in 21st century Midgardian attire.

In “The Art of Thor” is said:

Said Craig Kyle, “Loki wants to look good, he’s a man of style… Loki actually has three looks, Thor has one.” In addition to the three costumes he wears in the otherworldy realm of Asgard, Loki also makes a brief appearance in a suit and tie. Said Tom Hiddleston, “When he turns up on Earth in the movie, [he’s] very GQ.”

(For who, like me, is not familiar with the term GQ, it is used to describe a guy who is dressed nicely, very sleek, or very sexy to the ladies, The term comes from the men's fashion magazine named GQ (=Gentlemen's Quarterly).)

They don’t really explains why Loki decided to dress up like that, but the fact he chose to is meaningful.

Loki was going to see Thor, and he only let Thor see him.

He appears in the room Thor was, presumably after waiting for a while inside it but invisible since he complains about how he thought Coulson would never leave. When Coulson is back, Loki has magically disappeared again.

People doesn’t see Loki, not even when he tries to lift up Mjolnir.

Long story short, Loki’s attire is not to disguise himself as a human among humans and walk among them unnoticed, as he just doesn’t let them see him at all, and if he were, his very fashionable outfit would likely draw more gazes than anything else (compare it with Coulson’s plain suit), especially when he tries to lift Mjolnir while all around it there are scientists dresses in scientist garbs and guards dressed in guard uniforms.

So we can see Loki didn’t need to dress as a human to see Thor, he could have very well gone there in his normal Asgardians clothes, like he does when he goes to visit Laufey...

...though he could have forsaken the armour when visiting Thor, and just show up in his normal attire.

Instead Loki picked up a stylish Midgardian outfit to go meet his brother. Be it an illusion (more likely) or real clothes, Loki knew how a fashionable 21st century Midgardian would dress and decided to dress as such even though there was no need for it. This implies a familiarity with Midgard, or at least with its dressing style, which I genuinely doubt could have been a topic of study for Asgardians... even though Odin too was familiar with Midgardians attires as, when he bans Thor to Earth, he changes his clothes into modern, ordinary, definitely not fashionable Midgardian ones.

Loki knows the secret paths between words, it can be he travelled to Midgard and, once there, grew to like the elegant style we have.

But yes, this doesn’t necessarily mean he could learn how to fix a tie, as his clothes might be an illusion.

The final bit of “Thor” is a bit of a confusing thing as it shows Loki (dressed in Asgardian clothes) invisible to other people’s eyes controlling Selvig...

...which is confirmed by “Marvel Studios: All your questions answered” which describes that scene as:

Loki controls Selvig as he examines the Tesseract.

If Loki had controlled Selvig for an extensive period he might have learnt to tie ties as Selvig wears one.

However, although this scene was created and directed by Joss Whedon, this scene is kind of forgotten when “The Avengers” rolls around.

In it Selvig is free from Loki’s control until Loki uses the sceptre with the mind stone to turn him into his servant.

Now… “The Avengers”.

The story starts by night, with Loki arriving in the S.H.I.E.L.D. research center in which Selvig is studying the Tesseract.

Natasha Romanov, Bruce Banner, Steve Roger and Tony Stark are all warned during night. It’s possible it’s the same night, maybe it’s the night after.

It’s full day when Steve Roger travels with Coulson. The following scene shows Loki remembering his talk with the Other and then we’ve Steve reaching the Helicarrier and meeting up with Natasha and Bruce.

Then Loki shows up at Stuttgart Museum again dressed up in 21st Century attire with his sceptre disguised as a cane. This time Loki is sort of disguising himself, as he’s actually planning to draw attention on himself but, at first, in a subtle manner so it makes sense he dressed up as a Midgardian to move among Midgardians so as not to alert common people but end up being tracked by SHIELD because they can see him on monitors and recognize him… something they wouldn’t be able to do had he been invisible.

Loki drops his disguise only later, after he has sent a holographic image of Dr. Heinrich Schafer’s eye to Barton. He confront with Steve and Tony and vanish his armour… remaining in Asgardian clothes. He’s short after taken by Thor, who then argues with Steve and Tony until Thor decides to get along with them and Loki is carried on the Helicarrier all in the same night.

Natasha takes care to inform us Loki killed 80 people in 2 days. This should mean Loki is on Midgard by two days.

Why all this is relevant?

Again Loki dressed up as a stylish Midgardian,

...his clothes similar to the ones he had in “Thor” yet vaguely different (in “Thor” the coat is green, in “The Avengers” black and the scarf motive is slightly different) and even knew that, in order to disguise the sceptre, he can’t mask it as, let’s say, a pitchfork but a cane. It’s true, since he’s been on Earth by 2 days, this time he could have gotten that knowledge by Barton or Selvig.

“The art of The Avengers” again doesn’t tell us much apart that:

“Joss and Kevin both wanted a different look for Loki in The Avengers, in part for the fans and in part to serve the story,” Visual Development Supervisor Charlie Wen said.” For Loki, his costumes evolved from the super-clean look of the Asgard from Thor to a much grittier and more lived-in look to show the changes he’s gone through since then.” “For Thor and Loki, much of our inspiration came from Jack Kirby’s original character designs,” Wen said. “Loki represent mischief. He is a cultured traveller.”

But, if we put clothes aside, Loki is also aware of how:

Loki: The humans slaughter each other in droves, while you idly threat. I mean to rule them. And why should I not?

It’s something Thor didn’t seem to know/realize.

This seems to imply Loki knows about Earth’s history or, at least, of its present situation. Yes, he might have had a crash course in history of Earth courtesy by Clint or Selvig, but he might have also learnt it by himself in trips on Earth since Odin didn’t seem interested in Earth beyond protecting it from some attacks from creatures from other realms (he helps against the Frost Giants, however he doesn’t seem aware of the Skrulls and Krees walking on its surface nor he cares to check what humans do with the Tesseract doing nothing when Red Skull uses it to produce weapons) so he might not have bothered having his son learning about Midgard’s history and situation.

The last time we see Loki dressed as a human is in “Thor: Ragnarok”.

In it his clothes are much more simple than usual as he only wears a black suit, no scarf, no coat.

In “The Art of Thor: Ragnarok” there’s actually not one but 2 arts for more elaborate suits with coat but they were clearly discharged as Loki never wears them in the movie.

“Thor: Ragnarok The Junior novel” which is based on an earlier script says:

They were dressed in regular Earth street wear – shirt and slacks – and Thor carried an umbrella. His hair was swept back into a ponytail. Loki’s magic was projecting an illusion onto the duo.

...which seems to imply the scriptwriter originally didn’t even think dressing Loki stylish… and anyway mostly focused on Thor... so it’s possible Loki’s attire in the movie is a compromise between the scriptwriter, who though to dress Loki in shirt and slacks, and "Thor: Ragnarok” Visual Development Supervisor Andy Park who wanted to put him in an elegant and stylish suit as the other Visual Development Supervisors had done.

Still, the scriptwriter too thinks Loki is aware of how, if Thor wants to keep an object in his hands, it has to look like something ordinary and how an umbrella can fit the bill. As it didn’t rain during Loki’s short permanence on Earth, the fact he knows umbrellas exist and is acceptable to carry them around seems to imply Loki has an idea of how Earth works.

So all this to say… yes, Loki might be more familiar with Earth than it looked like and he might have learnt how to make a tie or, at least, how to fix it since this is more what he seems to do in that scene in “Marvel Studios' Loki | Official Trailer | Disney+”

We can only wait and see if “Loki” will give us more explanations about this scene or it will just toss it in and not bother to explain it at all.

Meanwhile I’ll have fun thinking before things went wrong Loki used to come on Earth and look up on fashion magazines and love the idea of how good he would look in such clothes that he began to dress up according to Midgard fashion style each time he got to set a feet on it.

[tolkienmetallist]

Dwarrowdelf

Music Style: Epic Black Metal

Country of Origin: England

Years Active: 2017-Present

Current Member: Tom O’Dell - Everything

Discography: The Sons of Fëanor (2018) Of Dying Lights (2019) From Beneath the Fells (2019) Evenstar (2020)

Tolkien Band Name Reference: Dwarrowdelf is the Westron translation of Khazad-dûm (aka Moria), the greatest city of the dwarves

Website: No official website, but does have a Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/DwarrowdelfUK/ and a Bandcamp: https://dwarrowdelfuk.bandcamp.com/

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCACeKNdo9QeNh-tQ7M5Wxog

Spotify Monthly Listeners: ~850

My Thoughts: I hope you like European black metal solo projects, because we’re looking at another one today. While I did enjoy all of Dwarowdelf’s albums, I will primarily be focusing on one in this discussion. Before I get to that, overall, I think O’Dell’s strengths are his clean vocals (especially when he layers multiple vocal tracks) and his guitar work.

I want to spend a little more time on Dwarrowdelf’s debut album, The Sons of Fëanor. Before I even listened to this album, I was super excited for it. The Silmarillion as told through the fates of the sons of Fëanor is an amazing concept for an album. But even more amazing than the concept is the execution. O’Dell clearly has a deep understanding of not only the lore, but the tragedy of the Silmarillion. There a glimmers of this thread of tragedy throughout the album, starting from the very first song, “Amrod”, where Amrod says his “life is penance for the kin that we have slain”. The tragedy kicks up at the halfway point with “Caranthir”, when Caranthir seems to become aware of the direction this story is going. “Glorious sons of Fëanor, / What have we become? / Marching ever forward, we all fall one by one”. In my opinion, the climax is in the penultimate (and shortest) song, “Maedhros”. In this moment, the moment of their victory, the moment when he finally has a Silmaril in hand, his past cruelty catches up with him, and he commits suicide. The pain and sorrow of Maedhros really shines through in O’Dell’s vocal performance. However, while that is the climax, the most painful song is probably “Maglor”. It is one thing to die a tragic death, but another thing to be forced to endure with no hope of the release of oblivion. The album leaves Maglor on the shores, crying out for the return of his brothers. “Oh bring back my brothers to me, / From senseless tales of tragedy / I await them by the shores of life “

On that cheerful note, I highly recommend The Sons of Fëanor. If you want something a little lighter in topic, I would recommend Evenstar, which is primarily a character study of Aragorn.

[spade-riddles]

"Adjusting Expectations" Post

This submission received a lot of responses and 120 notes, so I thought I would compile the comments here.

Anonymous said:

Adjusting expectations anon was so good. If their timetables are right and we do just need to be patient a little longer, can Kaylor please send us a sign? I guess it would be too loud to slip "adjusting expectations" into social media posts, but maybe they could both do something with playing cards? To show they are card sharks right now but they'll find their way home eventually? That would reassure people. And it would fly under the radar.

casuallycruel131313 said:

I agree with a lot of this but I think the main issue right now is that moral and ethical lines have been crossed and there's no coming back from that. In these post-Trumpian insurrectionist times it's unfathomable that they could continue the Kushner narrative I no longer care if or when they come out, I enjoy the music and I'm happy to observe from a distance because I'm interested from a PR/marketing point of view but my opinion of T &K as people has changed irrevocably and I don't see how they can clean the tarnish off.

@theprologues said:

Agree with most of not all if this but I would like to say as a Kaylor the toe Grammy stunt didn’t phase me. I was not crushed by that by any means. I just shrugged and honestly expected it. It was the attributing Betty and exile to him during the LPSS in November that bummed me out and really made me go...really?

rockcrow20 said:

Have to say I also agree with most of this.

I no longer have any expectations on anything changing any time soon and have not been surprised by the recent events its to be expected after everything over the years really

Nothing has really changed (bearding narrative wise) since I fell down the rabbit hole in 2017 (except that great night in nashville 2018 rep)

Honestly I can't say I am as invested anymore about them ever coming out as I was.

I think the wb/Joe thing was the last moment for me and the continual kushner connection just troubles me like many others.

I mean my kaylor motto for awhile now has been hope for the best but expect disappointment.

Low expectations = limited feelings of disappointment.

original-cypher said:

@rockcrow20 the WB was a breaking point for so many. You are absolutely right. There are just so ma'y contradictions that feel like absolute whiplash. (I know I seem to have been the only one experiencing that with Gorgeous but... that was a big one for me, too) But like. You go on a whole PR campaign about speaking up and standing up for yourself. You say you're capable and tired of men trying to take ownership of your success and profit off of your name. And you credit you literal damn work to a bloke? Bitch, 'consistency'? Look it up. It grossed me out. It would have felt iffy if I believed they were real. But since I wasn't born yesterday it just sent me the message "this is how far I'm willing to sacrifice my principles to not be queer".

rockcrow20 said:

@original-cypher exactly why it bothered me and I know alot us so much. Such mixed messaging of being a strong fighting for your rights female and then oh hey let me attribute some of my best work to my pr boyfriend and the pr pics where she is walking behind all the time like 🙄 The Betty thing that was big one for me too!

rainbowdaisy13 said:

This write up and the comments are spot on. I don’t have much to add other than like @original-cypher said, Miss Americana is tainted for me now and seems like at the very least, it was released too soon in the plan. I get we think they have had to pivot but man, that doc, and including her literally saying “gay rights make me me” at the end was such a false flag. To see her wax poetic about not taking shit from men anymore and then see her do the same old hetero weak woman song and dance routine with the WB shit for albums that are of her genius mind has been so disappointing. I still believe Kaylor is real and I hope they get a chance to show the world that. Karlie posting that cardigan pic in the woods before the folklore release cemented for me they are still together. Adding a baby makes me feel all kind of weird ethical things but I hope I live long enough to see it play out and wear my I Told You So shirt 😁

@kellykaylor said:

agree with your post... I dont care about toe stunts but what really pissed me of was hetwashing betty 🤮! beautiful post tho anon!!

roameroo said:

Totally agree with these all comments especially the strong messaging of MA only to turn around & pull that WB = my "bf" crap. I was disheartened by her mentioning him at the Grammy's only bc he's getting credit for sh*t he doesn't/didn't do. That is what irks me the most about this, giving him credit for her life's work.

always-the-last-word said:

Can I throw my pennies in the pool ?? Taylor will put out the big three first Fearless, RED then 1989 that should bring us to about August. This is where the excitement should begin. If Taylor preps and waits for National Coming Out day it's a no lose for her. Lover her money making machine will go through the roof !! If things go bad or good in the public eye she'll have REPUTATION Taylor's Version ready to release. It will be epic and she'll own it and be FREE.

@karlie-what-you-want said:

always-the-last-word I like this take a lot! I try not to be too optimistic but if she wanted to come out sooner rather than later, I think this plan would satisfy both business and PR needs (at least on Taylor’s end). Remains to be seen how Tay will help Karlie dig her way out of the mess they made together regarding the K*shners.

always-the-last-word said:

Always remember that Taylor has a PLAN. Some of her plans are year's old (easter eggs). Taylor's one and only LOVE is her music, everything else comes second. If KK wants to change and be with her full time she'll make moves around the same time frame. That's if she chooses to. In any event Tay will be open and own all her music. I've seen this film before and WE might not like the ending.

chosetherose said:

I’ve been going back and forth for a day trying to figure out what I wanted to say when I reblogged this post. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I understand I’m owed nothing by Taylor or Karlie. I understand that circumstances out of their control have caused the girls to pivot over and over again.

But, the root of my frustration in the past months stems not from me battling with the trivial (e.g. pap walks, etc.) but with my personal principles. I fiercely believe credit should be given where it is earned and I uphold this in my career regularly. To see Taylor crediting Toe with her art was deeply disappointing. Watch the 1989 and folklore acceptance speeches back to back and tell me it doesn’t upset you. I believe the K******s have blood on their hands and that their actions during the pandemic have killed people. To see Karlie still associating with one of them disgusts me.

I can’t help but think back in frustration - Would you really fall from grace to touch her face? (And in the brilliant words of @9w1ft) But would you die for her in public? I go back and forth feeling like questions like this aren’t fair at all and thinking they are sort of valid. At this point, it sort of feels like Taylor would only fall from grace for her lover if all the stars and facets of her life aligned perfectly. But perfection like this does not happen. Such is life. So why am I here?

I do question why Spade left certain messages in their final days. I am still holding hope a fervent revolution exonerates everyone. I so desperately want Taylor to regain control of her masters or re-records. Maybe this is the plan they thought was best with multiple goals in mind (re-records, having a family, coming out of the closet one day etc). I’m trying to remain patient because Spade told us to trust her endless yearning. But WOW it is asking a lot of us at this point.

Anonymous said:

Despite being a pragmatist kaylor and oftentimes getting into arguments with fellow optimistic kaylors (owner of this blog included) I think it's quite unfair -at this point- to say to the optimists who have patiently sat through the worst kind of stunts with the most terrible kind of people (yes I'm talking about the Kushner's friend group too) that they should have seen it coming. Besides, if it weren't for the optimists we the cynicals would have burned this fandom down by now.

Anonymous said:

Even if we ignore that an insurrection happened partially because of the family karlie's still working for and getting paid from, she literally said before the pregnancy debacle unfolded that j*sh was her last client while talking about cutting hair and doing a cutting gesture. How should we have interpreted that? 😤That a year later she would be more stuck with the Kushners than ever? We don't wake up on day and decide to have unrealistic expectations. She feeds into them. 😠

Anonymous said:

I have no expectation of Taylor coming out anymore. Zero. None. I have no expectation of her dropping Toe or even of Kaylor publicly reuniting. It doesn't even matter that much anymore. But I - do - expect 1 thing. Karlie to drop and completely dissociate herself from the Kushners and this has nothing to do with kaylor. It was everything to do with me being unable to support a person who willfully assists (now using her baby too) and receives money from a family that has made so many suffer.

Anonymous said:

A quick word from an ex-kaylor (who will never become an anti). A year ago, when the Trumps were still in power and untouchable and there was no baby, I was excusing and turning a blind eye to many things Karlie did for the K*shners. Even that dinner in September. I had also made peace with the truth never being revealed. But a year later the Trumps are gone, Karlie is still on full stunting mode now with a baby in the mix, a baby that is already being used by the Kushners, and I've really run out of excuses. Now the only thing that could possibly keep me on board is if I knew there was a good chance that the full truth would come out, so that Karlie's inexplicable and honestly borderline immoral actions could eventually make sense. But as your sub said, this is an unrealistic expectation, thus I became an ex-kaylor and I'm not planning to come back even when they reunite. 😕

Anonymous said:

What baffles me is that Taylor has explicitly expressed her regret about not giving her lover the credit she deserves and her doubt whether fame is worth hiding her true love: "when I walked up to the podium, I think I forgot to say your name", "what's a lifetime of achievement, if I pushed you to the edge". But yet again she didn't do anything to change this. I didn't expect her to acknowledge Karlie, but a nod or at least not falsely crediting her beard would be a good start.

Anonymous said:

1🙁 Let me chime in re: "expectations". I'm one of the kaylors who ever since the pregnancy reveal was trying to tell everyone there's NO way she was gonna dump him soon after birth let alone before that. It would bring too much unnecessary attention and Jerk would have never agreed to something that would make him look like a bad guy/husband. For the exact same reasons, I was also saying there's no way he wasn't going to post about the baby. All the above against the popular opinion back then.

2🙁 So I agree that the day of the birth post was known to T, not the timing though. Simply bc Kushner-leaning outlets made sure to note that detail. If they wanted it to go unnoticed, why draw attention to it? That being said, kaylors would have been more patient with this mess, if Karlie hadn't gone overboard with her freedom "smoke signals" last summer and Tay's "insiders" hadn't been insinuating that the end is VERY near. Both of them SHOULD have known by then how we would react to these.

3🙁 So it's natural that everyone feels played and has no patience for any more bullshit. Another sore point is how Jerk AND the Kushner-Trump klan monopolize the baby news. This isn't just to make it realistic, it's an abuse of Kaylor's baby's name to garner good pr for the worst family in America, with Karlie's blessing. In order for her marriage and split to appear realistic she's putting a LIFETIME burden on her child's back. Unless you believe she's eventually gonna say Jerk isn't the dad.

4🙁 So "we’re in a position we should realistically have been able to see coming". But we did see it coming, that why some made these extreme scenarios, bc this is the worst possible outcome. "Good people try to make it work, even in bad relationships." Ultimately this isn't just a "bad rs". It's a horrific association that should have been resolved ages ago, not one to bring your child into, doom it to suffer a similar fate, and expect people to sit idly and watch. That's what frustrates most.

[narastories]

2020 Creator Wrap: Favourite Works

I’ve been tagged by @kholran weeks ago. Thanks for the tag, and I’m terribly sorry for putting it off so long.

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works.

For all The Shit that happened in 2020 from a fanfic-writing perspective this has been an amazing year for me. I’ve added 19 (!) works to my AO3 page, which I’m actually pretty proud of. At this point, I want to give a HUGE thanks and shout-out to @outlanderbingo and the two wonderful admins @levisqueaks and @mistresspandorawritesthings. You’ve made my year! <3 Thank you!

I’m actually struggling to articulate how much this means to me. Most of you are aware that English is not my first language (not even the second in terms of order lol). The 3 works from 2017 and 2018 on my AO3 all have been translations - as in I’ve written them first in my native language, posted it on my old LJ blog, and then later translated them and published them on AO3.

I found the process very slow and tedious (even though I have not regretted it - A bed and a penny had gotten so much love over these two years, it makes me tear up). When I found the Outlander Bingo Challenge I knew I would struggle to keep up and get even 5 stories out if I wrote them in two languages. Besides, OL was never big in the fanfic-writing community I was part of in my native language (that was part of the reason why I stopped writing in this fandom, and also probably why I still have so much to discuss and write about ^^” I never had people to talk about these characters in-depth okay??? :P)

1. So, as number one I will name whatever this may be simply because this was the first ever completed piece of prose I’ve written fully in English (not translated from my own writing). Again, I don’t think I can fully articulate how much this means to me.

I’m not living in my country of origin anymore and when we made the move (before shit hit the fan in March thank goodness) it was very much with a permanent intention. I wasn’t happy in that place, I’ve found a lot of things toxic in general and even in the writing community. This kind of made me confront the idea that I may never publish my writing again even online, because even though I could with the marvels of the internet, I simply needed a relatively clean cut and lots of time away. I’m just not in the headspace where I can keep engaging with that community.

All this to say, that I’ve made my peace with this prospect and would have been kind of fine writing only for myself. But then you all came along and inspired me to try... and the knowledge that I get to do this, that even though my grammar is crap and I mix up words and probably write bs half the time, I have a voice, that my writing voice translates into English, that’s pretty huge for me. That knowledge is the biggest gift you could have given me. Okay, back to the list, Nara, don’t make yourself cry...

2. rum, spices and river water - oh Lord John and wee Byrd... they have been my new-found love in 2020. I’m not nearly done with writing about them :P I like this one because it’s just tooth-rotting fluff in Jamaica, and they deserve to be happy.

3. two years without, one with (you) - this broke me in the best way possible. John/Percy fix-it during BotB. I didn’t even like Percy that much but then I started listening to the audiobooks and Jeff Woodman narrated him in such a way that I suddenly saw the potential.

4. wasting wine - come on, I can’t make a list without having something exceptionally explicit on it :P You could say this is the best of both worlds a John/Percy/Tom threesome. This was when I still thought I wouldn’t write anything else with Percy btw.

Okay, last one and I’m going to be terribly selfish, but this is my list, deal with it :P

5. his brother’s coat - I feel like the holiday blues pushed me off the deep end, but this was just such fun to write. After a brief dilemma of can I? and am I allowed to? I’ve written this little piece of Alex/Jack Randall fic, and I’m not going to lie, I’ve enjoyed every second of meticulously polishing the words on this terrible little idea :P As much as I love fluff and fix-it, I do want to get better at writing some darker and/or bittersweet flavours. Just because those are the stories that stay with me the longest, and I genuinely like reading those.

That’s my wrap-up for the year. Thank you all so much for your support, for your kindness, for the fun we shared this year <3

I have lost track of who has done this, so consider yourself tagged if you haven’t!

[punkwixes]

didn’t make a new years retrospective really, haven’t ever done it in the past. but now that i’m almost 5 days late, i’m like, sure! what the fuck! here’s what’s happened in my life in the past year for anyone who might be wondering where i’ve been:

weirdly, the pandemic didn’t affect my life too much, except that my job was different for about six months. it was fine. increased risk of getting covid but that’s basically everywhere [i could get a job] these days, so i don’t regret trading retail for a nursing home back in 2018. at least the nursing home is really responsible about it all.

march-june didn’t really exist for me lmao

went back to college. majoring in social work and gerontology rn, Maybe That’ll Change, we’ll see.

the pandemic affected that. everything’s been online, my first in-person class is two weeks from today. 

got diagnosed w adhd because of The Above Reasons mostly

got a 4.0 for my first semester. i think i ended my freshman year at onu with a 2.8 or some shit so this is pretty good!

honestly doing Okay with depression and stuff. still struggling with executive dysfunction, juggling chores and cleaning w/ life, and i’m sure working full-time while doing full-time college isn’t, like, helping.

just been busy, mostly.

haven’t done a lot of art and shit, but i’m proud of what i did do!

i AM (as of, like, three days ago) writing fic again, though. so... we’ll see. it’s been three years since i’ve published something that wasn’t original! wrow.

i think my practical resolution is to be better about cleaning & keeping up with chores, do things before i get overwhelmed b/c i HAVEN’T done them. this includes homework.

other resolution is that i really do want to publish fic this year! i want to put whatever bullshit i want out there on the internet! i’ve mostly been writing original fiction for Exactly Two People over the last few years & it’s a very lonely existence.

i guess... the only other thing i wanna say is that i was thinking abt how i haven’t been here b/c i, like, escaped my Shit Family in 2017 and moved states (OH -> NC) and that was hard! it still is hard! it was a weird transition to go from, like, “what i do when i come home from college is listen to a podcast and write fic” directly to “what i do when i come home from work is lie facedown on my air mattress and think about doing dishes and worry about what time i have to take the bus tomorrow”. luckily, things have improved since then, and i’m glad for it!

so i’ve been posting less and less just because i have a lot of irl stuff to do! (and also because, i’m living with the person i usually reblogged stuff for on here, so, like, when i want to show her a post i just slide my phone over)

but now that i’m three (???) years out, i can safely say that it’s worth it. i was talking about this with laura the other day, i think? there’s something about being An Adult (lmao) that i never thought about, which is the freedom to just... do what i want. this can be good or bad, obviously, but it’s been three years and i’m still getting hit in the face with the fact that i make my own money and i can do stuff like buy new clothes without needing to justify it. that’s something i didn’t feel when i was in college the first time, and i wish i could go back to december 2, 2017 and tell myself that it’ll all work out.

[oopsabird]

IFD Author Showcase - oopsabird’s SamiCharlie (Wonder Woman 2017) Works

Hello all! Since today is February 15 was International Fanworks Day, I thought I’d get around to something I’ve been thinking of doing for a while, which is a masterpost of all the Wonder Woman (2017) fics I’ve written for the pairing Charlie/Sameer! Yay!! Shamless self-promotion time!!

Click under the cut for all 15 of my works for this ship in the order I originally posted them! Plenty of reading to fill up your reading week or procrastinate whatever you “should” be doing lol

Unfortunately this probably won’t show up in the tags due to the amount of links it has, so reblogs would be super super appreciated, as are comments and kudos from those of you who click through!

These works represent the small public part of the huge amount of writing growth I have had in the last two years, and a big effort to build a ship tag from the ground up with my friends, and I am so so proud of them!! Every word of a comment or kudos means the absolute world to me, as making these fics has helped me rediscover my creative self again after so many years of being estranged from that part of me - they are an expression of creative joy.

Hope you enjoy!

1. And In The Morning [1838 words]

If that snowy night in Veld had been the calm before the storm, this sunrise was the stunned quiet in the wake of the hurricane. The moment to look around and take stock of what made it through the vicious night - and what didn’t.

Missing scene/coda: Sameer at the airfield, after.

Warnings: N/A | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Sameer, Charlie, Chief, Diana Prince | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer | Date Posted: 28 Nov 2017

Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Pre-Slash, sober Charlie

2. je le veux [7697 words]

Diana believes in love the same way children believe in fairytales - with optimism and wholehearted conviction.

or;

Over the course of their mission in Belgium, Diana deduces from watching Sameer and Charlie that they obviously must be a devoted married couple. This conclusion would in fact be news to everyone else on the team — including Sameer and Charlie.

Warnings: N/A | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Diana Prince, Sameer, Charlie, Etta Candy, Chief | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Diana Prince/Steve Trevor (mentioned), Charlie & Sameer, Etta Candy & Diana, Wonder Squad Found Family Feels | Date Posted: 27 Dec 2017

Addtional Tags: Mutual Pining, Intimacy, cultural misunderstandings (of a sort), Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Recovery, Grieving, well-intentioned meddling friends, Diana Prince vs 20th-century homophobia, aka Truth Coming Out Of Her Well To Shame Mankind, Fluff, Get-Together Fic, Post-Movie, non-explicit references to homophobia, sober Charlie

3. gambit [7390 words]

gambit: in chess, a sacrifice used to gain an early advantage in space or time at the opening of a game.

or;

Sameer does something arguably reckless, and consequences ensue.

Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Sameer, Charlie, Chief, Etta Candy | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer, Wonder Squad Found Family Feels | Date Posted: 3 Jan 2018

Additional Tags: Canon-Typical Violence, liberal mis-use of historical timelines and the field of medicine, Hurt/Comfort, a dozen tropes stacked together in a trenchcoat, Mission Fic, Minor Injuries, Serious Injuries, Interrogation, Get-Together Fic, Post-Canon, Whump, epilogue compliant, sober Charlie

4. To Burn And Keep Quiet [5660 words]

Sameer and Charlie tell their secrets, yet still keep them secret all the same. Etta gets caught up in the middle of their mess, and prays for patience.

Warnings: Chose not to use | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Etta Candy, Sameer, Charlie, Steve Trevor (Mentioned) | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Etta Candy & Sameer, Etta Candy & Charlie, Charlie & Sameer | Chapters:  2/2 | Date Posted: 19 Jan 2018

Additional Tags: Mutually Unrequited, Mutual Pining, Friendship, Miscommunication, Pre-Canon, Post-Canon, yes it can be both, oblivious idiots in love, Hospitals, Etta gets caught in a minor moral conundrum, Secrets, Pining, Male-Female Friendship, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Period-typical attitudes towards homosexuality, (not Etta because she's a good person), Bisexual Character, Pre-Slash, epilogue compliant, sober Charlie, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism

5. so much like stars [6668 words]

Sameer gets Charlie back from the drink - and all that which comes with him, too.

or;

How the rest of the team spent that night in the village.

Warnings: N/A | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Sameer, Charlie, Chief | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer | Date Posted: 31 Jan 2018

Additional Tags: Pining, Canon Compliant, Mid-Canon, Missing Scene, Undressing, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, the result of watching the "evening in Veld" scene way too many times, Friendship, Unresolved Romantic Tension, probably some UST too but it's subtle I think, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Diana/Steve Trevor (mentioned), sober Charlie

6. Next To Me [2604 words]

After the war Charlie's drinking stops, but the nightmares don't. Luckily, he has people who’ll take care of him - if he can learn to let them.

Warnings: N/A | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Sameer, Charlie, Etta Candy, Chief | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer | Date Posted: 18 Mar 2018

Additional Tags: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Nightmares, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Friendship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Angst, Mutual Pining(if you squint), Team as Family, Charlie and the fight against toxic masculinity, epilogue compliant, sober Charlie

7. take my heart (clean apart if it helps yours beat) [4147 words]

This thought more than any other makes Sami’s heart twist in his chest; he wishes he could turn back time, lift the troubles from Charlie’s mind and give him the peace he deserves. Steve says this new mission of theirs could end the war, and while Sami isn’t quite naive enough to wholeheartedly believe this, he quietly hopes that it can be true, because he isn’t sure how much longer they can hold on otherwise. A small group of missing scenes from the last night in London before the mission.

Warnings: N/A | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Sameer, Charlie, Steve Trevor | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer, Sameer & Steve Trevor | Date Posted: 1 May 2018

Additional Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Canon Compliant, Missing Scene, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pining, Miscommunication, Etta and Diana appear briefly but not enough to tag

8. a degree of difficulty [2603 words]

Without the drink to cloud his judgement, Charlie finds himself prone to worry.

or;

A small cutscene preceding the battle at the airfield; a moment of reassurance.

Warnings: Chose not to use | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Charlie, Sameer, Chief, Steve Trevor | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer, assorted minor/background team feels and friendships | Date Posted: 27 Aug 2018

Additional Tags: Ficlet, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Slash, Friendship, sober Charlie

9. i don’t know if you would listen [2509 words]

After the village battle and before the celebration, Charlie seeks out absolution in Veld's broken church.

Warnings: Chose not to use | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Charlie, Sameer | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer | Date Posted: 5 Oct 2018

Additional Tags: Character Study, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Canon Compliant, Religious Discussion, Pre-Slash, Friendship, Sami being beautiful in the twilight (again), Mid-Canon, time to unpack my massive box of Charlie feels (again), Prayer, sober Charlie

10. dìon [1944 words]

dìon — Scottish Gaelic; verb meaning “to protect”, “to safeguard”, or “to shelter”.

or;

Sami vs the forces of winter.

Warnings: N/A | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Sameer, Charlie, Etta Candy | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer, Etta Candy & Sameer, Etta Candy & Charlie | Date Posted: 8 Jan 2019

Additional Tags: Winter, Pre-Slash, mild whump, Fluff, Mutually Oblivious Pining, Sharing Clothes, epilogue compliant, sober Charlie

11. let me come with you [12,013 words]

the woods are lovely, dark and deep (but i have promises to keep)

or;

When things go awry on a mission in Italy, it's Charlie's turn to risk everything for his family, and pray they'll bring him home. Sequel and mirror to gambit.

Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Charlie, Sameer, Etta Candy, Chief | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer, Etta Candy & Charlie, Charlie & Chief, Etta Candy & Sameer, Wonder Squad Found Family Feels | Date Posted: 4 Apr 2019

Additonal Tags: Mission Fic, Established Relationship, Action & Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Interrogation, Team as Family, Canon-Typical Violence, (maybe a bit above that), Whump, tropes tropes and more tropes, sober Charlie, Serious Injuries, Post-Canon, epilogue compliant, liberties taken with medical accuracy, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Peril, Romance, Multilingual Character, i love Charlie and i am terrible to him, Torture

12. a small enough love [1016 words]

 i don’t want to die. i just want    a little goddamn rest    and a small enough love    that i can breathe around it.

Charlie sleeps. Sami keeps watch.

Warnings: N/A | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Sameer, Charlie | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer | Date Posted: 20 Aug 2019

Additional Tags: Napping, Pining, Friendship/Love, Pre-Canon

13. (you say it best) when you say nothing at all [2073 words]

Sameer prides himself on knowing over two dozen languages (and counting) — yet somehow, he has never really needed any of them for him and Charlie to understand one another perfectly. 

Warnings: Chose not to use | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Sameer, Charlie | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer | Date Posted: 14 Oct 2019

Additonal Tags: Post-Canon, Getting Together, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Racism, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, mild whump, aka Charlie gets his ass kicked a bit, No Dialogue, sober Charlie, Sameer makes a fuss, Charlie doesn’t actually mind, Angst with a Happy Ending, but like mild angst, Men Crying, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss

14. remedy [4027 words]

Sameer has spent a long time pretending he doesn't hear Charlie's nightmares, both to shelter his friend's pride and hide his own feelings.

Then the war ends, and Charlie gets sober, and damn near everything changes.

Warnings: Chose not to use | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Sameer, Charlie | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer | Date Posted: 12 Nov 2019

Additional Tags: Pre-Slash, Post-Canon, Mutual Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, sober Charlie, Paris (City), Sharing a Bed, Accidental Cuddling, Repressed Idiots, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-War, Tenderness, Mutually oblivious

15. and if the night comes (and the night will come) [2164 words]

well at least the war is over

~

Charlie isn’t the only one who has his share of nightmares.

Sameer just happens to be a lot quieter about it.

Words: 2164 | Rating: G Warnings: N/A | Fandom: Wonder Woman (2017) | Characters: Charlie, Sameer | Relationships: Charlie/Sameer, Charlie & Sameer | Date Posted: 26 Mar 2020

Additional Tags: Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Role Reversal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Singing, Established Relationship, Post-Canon, Post-War, Cuddling & Snuggling, Multilingual Character, sober Charlie, Sameer is painfully selfless, Charlie is Trying His Best god bless him, Lullabies, Tenderness            

If you’ve made it this far and still somehow want more, please go check out the 17 other works for this ship by my dearly beloved friends and muses Elri and Kaye, and my pal Bug. Hell, check it out anyway. Couldn’t have done all this writing without them, I simply couldn’t <3

[vinylandcoffeecollection]

Notes On a Conditional Form- The 1975

(This is my review of Notes, which, obviously, I adore)

People tend to have a fixed idea of what the 1975 are, love or hate them. To some, they’re a plastic pop band who write (great) 80s-influenced songs like “The Sound”. To others, they’re the millennial Radiohead or U2 (pick your comparison depending on how much warmth you feel towards Matty Healy), obsessed with chronicling and holding forth on the State of the Nation, embodied by perhaps their best and most critically lauded song “Love It If We Made It”. The mixed reviews of their fourth album probably stem from the disappointment of both camps above: for the first group, superstar single “If You’re Too Shy (let me know)” is evidence that the band could continue to be great if only they mined this genre more. The second camp desperately searched for proof that Notes... has Something to Say, didn’t really find it, then concluded that it’s a weak or inferior album. In reality, though, 1975 are neither of the ostensibly polar identities above. As they are fond of saying, they create as they consume, and they consume a vast landscape of music constantly: it’s their life’s passion and one that has been apparent since their earliest EPs. Even though their last two albums appear on the surface to be perfect examples of the plastic pop (ILIWYS) and political polemic (ABIIOR), in reality each blends both and throws in some ambient instrumentals and other left field moments for good measure. No one who has heard Matty Healy and George Daniel talk about their creative influences and processes could ever confuse them with any other conveyor belt pop band or be in any doubt about their commitment to their art.

Following up 2018’s critically lauded A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships was always going to be a tall order but the 1975 can always be relied on to do the unexpected. This is a band who by the point of becoming massive had given up on ever actually becoming massive, so made a first album full of songs that they loved, that they now admit they might never have made if they had had any idea that global stardom was beckoning, because it’s just a bit weird. They apply the same kind of logic to Notes...: on the back of huge critical acclaim from A Brief Inquiry...they went inwards and simply made the kinds of music they loved consuming and playing, heedless of expectations. Notes.... has long been spoken of by the band as a metaphorical notebook, a looking back to their roots, collected and recorded around the world on their global tour last year. Originally due in May, then August 2019, then February, then April 2020, it’s been a beneficiary rather than a victim of unimaginable global circumstances, more relevant and strangely prescient than ever now. It turns out it does have something to say, but in lowercase rather than capital letters, and it’s a better album for it. Any capital-lettered statement, after all, could only have appeared completely outdated and irrelevant in the midst of a global pandemic.

Conditional verbs are “if” verbs, used to imagine events in certain conditions, and this is what Notes... is: a collection of songs posing questions and examining sets of circumstances and relationships that make us who we are, for better or worse. It’s an ending to these four albums of sorts (“I just wanted a happy ending,” Matty pleads in “If You’re Too Shy,”) but also an exploration of the impossibility of tidy, definitive endings. The final track of A Brief Inquiry... , the vital and unexpectedly uplifting “I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)”, began with the line “I bet you thought your life would change but you’re sat on a train again.” That’s where we are on Notes and why its third track, not the final track, is called “The End”, to underline the point. This instrumental re-works the instrumental track “HNSCC” from the band’s 2013 EP Music for Cars, making it more orchestral. It’s a lovely way to develop this theme: that everything that happens to us is conditional to other events in the past, present or future. It also explores the idea that concepts of linear growth as people are artificial. Notes... embraces the lack of any kind of coherent narrative in life that we can tie our experiences together neatly with, the struggle to know and accept yourself, to be that person that you present to the outside world.

Anais Nin wrote: we do not see things as they are; we see them as we are. A Brief Inquiry.... is a great album but it also captured a moment in time both culturally and for the band, particularly Matty Healy personally. Having derided him for years, there seemed to be a huge will amongst the press to make this album succeed because of everything he had been through with addiction and rehab between 2013-2017. That was the narrative- he’d fucked up, now he was clean, gleaming and healthy in tasteful fitted jumpers and suits, with the haircut of a Mature Man, and they’d made a Political and Important album. The band were apparently finally deserving of the acclaim afforded to serious artists. But there were notes of caution: an interview Matty did where he spoke of being wary of being a poster boy for sobriety because he hadn’t been sober for long enough. I remember worrying about him when listening to all of this- what if he couldn’t hold it together? What then for him and the position in culture that he and the band were now occupying? It was almost a relief when he confessed in a 2019 interview to briefly relapsing: it was honest and it was real.

Notes sees Matty embracing the honest and the real like never before, and it’s apt that the album moves through the idea of Endings to “Frail State... “ “Streaming” and “The Birthday Party”, a hauntingly beautiful song about sobriety, questions of shifting identity, growth and relationships (“We can still be mates because it’s only a picture,” is the narrator’s rejoinder to a friend taking the piss out of him for buying an expensive artwork that the friend can’t relate to). It’s a song that narrates a tale, in the tradition of A Change of Heart, Milk or Paris, that is both humorous and devastating, particularly in its last line: “I depend on my friends to stay clean. As sad as it seems.” Maybe you do need to be knowledgeable about the band’s personal circumstances to understand that “The Birthday Party” isn’t just a dull and over-long tale about being bored at a party, as Rolling Stone appears to have taken it, but to paraphrase “Frail State of Mind”, it seems unlikely. In any case, Notes.... is a deeply honest album, one that paints Matty Healy in as unvarnished a form as he has ever appeared, talking candidly and literally about piss, shit and erections. As he has said, it’s an album without ego.

Appropriately for an album looking back, making notes on all those “if...then”s, Notes... is more eclectic than ever before, a distillation, as the band say, of their previous sounds as well as the music that has inspired their own creativity over the past nearly two decades. The reaction of the album’s detractors to this has been to see it as a jumbled mess of Too Much-ness, which is to completely miss the point. Notes... is deliberately and thoughtfully structured, each track including threads and connections to other songs and iconography of the band’s world, an intertextuality that is sometimes darkly humorous, sometimes poignant and very much underlining that theme of honesty. “I never fucked in a car, I was lying,” opens “Nothing Revealed/Everything Denied”, Healy lacerating his ego by referencing Love It If We Made It’s memorable opening line as well as their early song “Sex”, and later “you can’t figure out a heart. You were lying,” undercutting the swagger of 2013’s 80s-maximalist “Heart Out”. More poignantly on “Roadkill”, again recalling the lie of linear growth and maturity, he sings “if you never eat you’ll never grow. Should have learned that quite a while ago,” looking back to one of the band’s most loved and most “apocalyptic adolescent” songs, as they term it, from their debut album, “Robbers”. The intertextuality is there in the music too, from the re-working of instrumental track “HNSCC” in “The End” (a connection missed, unforgivably, by seemingly every critic) to the inclusion of original demo of standout track from A Brief Inquiry... “It’s Not Living (If it’s not with you)” at the start of the surreally titled “Shiny Collarbone”. This is the largely instrumental EDM track sampling Cutty Ranks that for a number of critics seems to represent the fact that the band have lost their way and just started putting out random filler. They haven’t on either count, and the sample is a lovely reminder that even when farming seemingly the furthest reaches of the 1975’s discovered land, the music is always quintessentially theirs.

Perhaps the farming metaphor isn’t the most appropriate though. The band have spoken before about the choice that they have as artists to be “cowboys or farmers”, to keep re-working old ground or move forward and discover new places. To the charge that the songs here are just not as good as their earlier albums, well that depends on your perspective. Even the poor reviews aren’t quibbling with the strength of “If You’re Too Shy...” but truly that’s not the best songwriting on display here. The 1975 can write songs like “Too Shy” while knocking about having a laugh, stoned out of their heads. As they say themselves, it’s not a stretch. They’d rather push themselves, which they do. Regardless of genre, though, any band will stand or fall on whether they can write a catchy tune or not. The 1975 have always been able to write a catchy tune and it says something that over 22 tracks, each one has that catchiness and each one is distinctly itself. “Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy)” begins with a pitched up sample of “Just my Imagination” by the Temptations, it’s a love song in the 1975 tradition: bouncy and irresistible major key melody juxtaposed with an emotional sucker punch: “She said they should take this pain and give it a name.” They cleverly subvert the genre, pairing the beauty of the melody with the brutally honest: “Tonight, I think I fucked it royally.” It’s one of the best songs on display here and another perfect example of how the 1975 can take that most over-done of genres, and make it completely their own.

Because of the evolution of the album, seven songs, not including “The 1975” with Greta Thunberg, were already well known before its release. “People”, the first of these after Greta, is fantastic pop punk, a track that has lost none of its impact in the 9 months since its original release. “Nothing Revealed/Everything Denied”, the self-referential track referred to above, is a catchy treatise on the search for meaning in our lives, fusing a soaring choir-sung chorus with Matty’s witty rapping. A trio of tracks explore what some critics have labelled “emo garage”: a thread that begins with the pulsing and affecting “Frail State of Mind” (“Go outside? Seems unlikely,” and is followed through with the standout “I Think There’s Something You Should Know”, surely a future single that would be perfectly at home on Radio 1, and “What Should I Say?” In the instrumental vein, the George Daniel-created masterpiece “Having No Head” transports the listener to another sonic world. There are several throw-backs to the band’s previous emo-indie incarnation Drive Like I Do with “Then Because She Goes” and “Me and You Together Song”. And then there’s a couple of gorgeous ballads: the profound “Jesus Christ 2005...” and the love letter to the band “Guys”. In a way this closing track is almost a microcosm of the band: love them and this is a beautifully turned love letter to friendship and loyalty in the face of life’s challenges. Hate them and it’s a cringeworthy, naive irritation.

Of course, there is no happy ending or neat bow tied round Notes.... at the conclusion of its 22 tracks. We leave Matty still struggling with himself, life and his conflicted desires but with two tracks- the gentle “Don’t Worry”, a Tim Healy- penned song that is performed as a father/son duet, and “Guys”- we are reminded that it’s our relationships that will help us through, the connections we build. We are all conditional forms in this sense.

The vinyl of Notes... is poignantly inscribed with the words 'If this is to be read in the future, please know that this was us trying'. It would be very easy at this stage in their career for the 1975 to put out albums filled with variations on “Chocolate” or “The Sound”, and it might make some fans and critics happy, but they don’t want to. They are triers. Perhaps it’s this very workaholism, their obsession with pushing boundaries and experimentation, speaking up and refusing to stay in their lane that so riles up those ready to sharpen their critical knives. They are those too clever and too keen kids at the front of the class, annoying the fuck out of those who can’t be bothered or just can’t compete. Having spent last year taking political stands on issues ranging from misogyny in music to abortion laws in the US to the treatment of the LGBTQ& community in the UAE and doing their bit for the environment by commanding fans to be quiet and listen to a Greta Thunberg monologue for five minutes at their live shows, selling recycled merchandise and planting trees for every ticket sold, they are still unable to rest in the midst of a global pandemic, engaging with fans through Twitter listening parties and an interactive website called Mindshower where fans can create their own music and artwork and reflecting on what live music might look like in the future when we can finally get out there again. It all sounds a bit like Radiohead in the 2000s, except Radiohead never made an album as sonically beautiful or coherent as Notes... either immediately post-OK Computer or in the 19 years since. The 1975 are many things but they’ll never allow themselves to become stale or apathetic or lazy and for that at least they should be recognised: they simply care too much. And as for that vinyl inscription, in the future they won’t just be remembered for trying but for achieving what most bands never do even in a lifetime of striving.

[amphtaminedreams]

Paris Haute Couture Week 2019: Favourites at First Glance

Hi to anyone reading,

And before we start...let me clarify.

Listen, I’m not Luke Meagher. I didn’t go to fashion school. I did history, philosophy and ethics, and psychology at A-level. Not a trace of even textiles experience in sight (I mean, I did it until we picked our GCSE options but I don’t feel that counts, lol). The only “fashion” knowledge I have is from coffee table books, youtube videos and twitter. AND I LIKED MARIA GRAZIA’S 2019 DIOR HAUTE COUTURE COLLECTION.

I think Haute Couture week is probably one of my favourites of the year because I’ve always been good at spotting a pretty dress I’ll never be able to afford and to be honest, not much else. And to me, the Dior collection is everything. Sure, it might not be the most groundbreaking or technically advanced thing ever, and yes, some of the shapes might not be the most flattering, but the best pieces (picked out above) are classic Dior. See, I’m not sure what my idea of “classic Dior” is actually based on other than a vague cultural knowledge but I feel this year’s haute couture collection fits in with that schema a lot more seamlessly than Grazia’s 2018 or 2017 collections, as much as I enjoyed them too. The colour scheme, the lace, the netted veils, the heavy eye makeup; these are dresses for turning up to the funeral of the rich husband you just secretly poisoned in/Eva Green would’ve worn in Penny Dreadful and I’m here for it. The spiked feather detailing that crops up a lot gives me Natalie Portman as the Black Swan and regardless of how flattering they may or may not be (because I'm kind of tired of fashion being thought of as a way to showcase a woman’s figure), I like the Edwardian inspired two pieces. I may be a bit biased, chokers, berets and some kind of netting are 3 of my favourite additions to an outfit, but I do think that as a collection, it all comes together beautifully and I commend Maria Grazia for that. I think now that she seems to have found her footing in terms of producing looks that are recognisably Dior, we only have increasingly creative efforts to look forward to.

Similarly, I adored the styling at the Schiaparelli show. As weird and wonderful as ever, you can see the influence of nature and possibly the visuals of flowers in bloom on Daniel Roseberry’s designs and styling. My favourite thing about this collection was its presentation: for his debut show, Roseberry took a seat in the middle of the runway and sketched out his designs as they appeared on the models in real time. I can’t think of a better way to introduce the fashion world to your vision and creative process.

Moving on from the Schiaparelli collection, it only feels right to talk about Guo Pei next, whose collection also has that characteristic organic feel, almost like the designs could’ve grown right out of the ground of a Tim Burton film. My favourite is definitely the second from the right on the top row, which wouldn’t have been out of place at the 2018 Met Gala. Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination is without a doubt my favourite theme of the last few years. Ornate as ever, each look displays a renaissance painting level of intricacy and craftsmanship; not that a plunge that deep would ever be remotely flattering on me, like there’s a reason I feel a certain type of way about belly button piercings and low rise jeans, but I am obsessed with the detailing of the dress on the far left of the bottom row. That being said, I don’t love this collection quite as much as Guo Pei’s 2018 haute couture offering, however, I think that’s just down to the colour scheme and structures of the latter.

Next is Chanel’s haute couture show, which right off the bat I’ll say I was a big fan of. Surprisingly, I’ve seen a lot of people say they don’t like it but I think it’s a welcome departure from the past few collections which (in my very design naive opinion) were beginning to get a bit monotonous. There’s only so much unnecessarily prissy detailing I can take before it gets a bit like...did they run out of ideas? I think for Virginie Viard’s debut show this is a return to the fresh, clean, functional and even slightly androgynous looks that I think we forget Chanel was originally known for. We still had a couple of the classic elegant dresses too, as seen in the two middle shots I chose, which pays homage to the haute couture collections of the past couple of years. Again, as with the Dior collection, I love the Edwardian/early 20th century influence and the library setting is a fucking perfect backdrop to the collection.

It probably feels a bit contradictory, me going on to praise this year’s Armani Prive collection considering I just criticised the past Chanel collections for being unnecessarily decorative but I see a clear direction with these looks. And yes, I generated a meme to describe how I probably sound right now:

Alternatively, I could’ve just put “how I sound right now”, semi colon, and then insert a photo of a clown underneath, but I’m clearly into 2018 memes, okay? 

I’m not going to lie, the basic bitch in me loves these looks because I just know how good they are on the red carpet. Very Disney princess and I’m into it. I’m easily pleased: pastels, faux fur (I hope it’s faux though to be honest, I’m not quite sure), sequins and satin and I’m calling it a masterpiece. So it’s probably best to move on before I expose myself for just how much of a high fashion novice I am, if I didn’t already do that in the first paragraph by praising Maria Grazia. For the same reason, I was obviously a big fan of these looks from the Georges Hobeika haute couture 2019 collection:

And of course, all of these beautiful Ralph and Russo designs:

The dress on the right end, second row from the bottom is honestly probably my favourite of all the 2019 haute couture looks. Like frills!? PASTEL frills!? TIERED, PASTEL FRILLS? Fucking sold. Giambattista Valli is obviously the king of this:

Though I think I’m right in saying that the slightly more unconventional, exaggerated nature of Valli’s dresses elevate them in the eyes of the fashion community that little bit more. Personally, I love the touch of the black bows and the Elizabethan style neck collar of the look second from the right on the top row. Next is Zuhair Murad:

If I'm being brutal, I was a bit disappointed with this collection. I always love Zuhair Murad and love his dresses regardless but I found myself getting a bit bored with a lot of the looks this year considering how excited I was to see them. Though these are my favourites and they are still stunningly elaborate (clearly a lot of work went into the embroidery and stoning), I don’t feel as if any of them, apart from the green and silver jumpsuits, are really anything I haven't seen before. I thought the tribal/nomadic elements of some of the looks could’ve been slightly more conceptual. Like, I get that Zuhair Murad’s dresses, at face value, aren’t really about telling stories but I think if you’re going to go down the mildly culturally appropriative route, you should do it in new way. I read that he was inspired by a trip to Marrakech and I do see that, but it more seemed like an afterthought of throwing these details onto his usual style of dresses rather than the observations influencing the very basis of the collection. Elie Saab’s 2019 haute couture collection is, in my opinion, a good example of how to do this right:

Everything about the construction of these dresses from the padded shoulders to the Mandarin collars draws on the dreamiest possible incarnations of the wardrobes of Chinese royalty, and to watch that translated onto the runway in such a stunning way I hope is a pleasure to see for those who do consider their culture’s past to be a part of their identity today. The jewell tones, the baroque-like patterns, the defined silhouettes, the hair and makeup, I am in awe of EVERYTHING about this collection. I’m glad that Saab had so many East Asian models showcase his designs too; I don’t think it would’ve been right any other way.

Talking of structure, next is Iris Van Herpen:

Like, I need to know the SCIENCE behind these dresses, because I know there was a shitload (lol jk, I really don't want to know anymore science unless I have to). I mean, aside from a few more unconventional, bubble-like shapes that I wasn’t necessarily such a fan of, I can’t fault this collection at all. It really speaks for itself; every part of each design is as mesmerising and as hypnotic as the next, from shape and structure to the colours chosen. Even the more “simple” numbers such as the golden dress second from the left on the bottom row looks like it’s permanently caught in the wind, and I can imagine it on the statue of some Greek goddess whose name I cannot in this moment be bothered to check I’m not pulling out of my arse. You know, Aphrodite, Athena...one of that lot, lol. Finally, let’s talk about Valentino, Givenchy and Fendi, starting with my least favourite of the three, Valentino:

It’s not that there weren’t some wonderful looks. Of my favourites above, the white kimono style dress on the left of the bottom row, the blue dress with the cape and the green floral coat with the matching mesh dress underneath are the stand outs. It’s just that this collection isn’t particularly my style as I’m not much of a fan of block or primary colours; it’s personal preference and that’s not to say it’s a bad collection by any means. I can still appreciate that more thought and work and general energy than I’ve probably ever exerted in my life went into it.

Next is Givenchy:

LOOK at that dress on the right on the row second from the bottom. LOOK AT IT! The pastel pink cape! The layered houndstooth dress! The feathers! The neckline of that top on the right, second row from the bottom! The MENSWEAR! I want it all. It’s modern and it’s cool and it’s wearable but it also looks like me or you could never bloody afford it and that’s how you know it’s Givenchy, lmao. It’s not hard to see why this collection was so popular within the fashion community; it really is a masterclass in less is more which takes a lot to admit because I’m usually a more person. 

However, overall, my favourite collection of the three has to be Fendi:

The 70s are my favourite decade for fashion and so this collection is absolutely delicious. I love the warm tones contrasted with a splash of almost metallic cools or pastels every so often and throw some faux fur (again, I don’t know if it is faux?) over anything and it immediately looks 10x more glamorous in my opinion. Half the looks are giving me groupie to a rock band and the other half are giving me bored Hollywood movie star in her Beverly Hills mansion, walking round with rollers in her hair and a pornstar martini. As you can probably tell if you’re still reading, outfits that give me a story are the ones that I love the most, lmao. The perfect balance between opulent and effortless, in an ideal word I would absolutely own and wear every single one of these outfits, regardless of where fashion critics stand on them, and feel like a badass bitch.

And to kind of round off the post, isn’t that what’s most important? That an outfit makes you feel empowered and like you could dramatically slap the shit out of anyone who disrespects you (FEEL being the keyword here, I’m really not recommending anyone goes round slapping every person who disrespects them)? I definitely do want to be more educated on fashion and its history, after all, I’ve always been a history student, but at the same time, I don’t want to suck the fun out of it for myself. Most of the time I don’t want to look at a dress and compare it to every single collection of years past or scrutinise who did what better, I just want to marvel at it. I think one thing that bothers me is that within something as relatively harmful as fashion, it seems kind of elitist and hierarchical to categorise opinions as good and bad based on how much education a person might have on the topic. Let’s be real, fashion isn’t really a realistic career path for most of us. The average person hasn’t always got time to research the history of a fashion house before they make a statement about one of its pieces. They’re working, lmao. If your career is in fashion, lucky you. But in a lot of cases, as within a lot of creative industries, luck is really just privilege, connections, money, leisure time and choice and only a select few people have those things, and I don’t think we should let those people dictate who has style and who doesn’t. These things are subjective. Let people like what they like without equating that love of something to a lack of taste, you know?

In a broader sense (and I really don’t know how I got off on this tangent) something makes you feel beautiful and YOU think you look hot af, WEAR IT! 

It’s a bit of a cliche as a closing statement but if anyone read until the end, I hope you enjoyed the post. I am always totally open to hearing other opinions and points of view so feel free to send an...ask? Message? I’m not sure what it’s called in 2019, lol. Anyways, feel free to do whatever that function is called nowadays and rant away.

Lauren x

[callioope]

Good Things in 2019

@theputterer and @the-strongest-stars tagged me in the awesome annual end-of-year Good Things meme! I’ve done this in 2018 & 2017 and always think it’s a fun exercise of both reflection and looking forward.

Oh boy, though, my first thought was, what even happened in 2019? (Looking at a calendar helped! It reminded me of a few things I forgot)

It’s been a Rough Year, friends. Between OCD and basically travelling almost every weekend in the latter half of 2019, I am very much ready for a new year and hopefully a new slate.

But this is about the positives!

Personal

Played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons! I am now officially in two campaigns. This year, I endeavored to recruit more women to play, including the wonderful @allatariel. I play both my beloved cleric, Maritsa (who I’ve been playing her years now) and my new character, Noara, a ranger elf with a red panda familiar (yeah, my DM let me do that for funsies, so I could get an animal sidekick but also still try out the Horizon Walker subclass). 

Speaking of red pandas, I accomplished my LIFE GOAL of meeting a red panda face-to-face. I got to feed Harriet at the Cincinnati Zoo for 30 minutes. She was adorable. 

Completed all my dental work and had a clean bill of dental health two cleanings in a row! 

Attended DC’s Around the World Embassy Day event, always fun

Attended Star Wars night at a local library, where I got to participate in a short demo/lesson on how to fence with a lightsaber!

Attended 50th Anniversary Celebration of Apollo 11 / landing on the moon (dude they projected the rocket on the Washington Monument and it looked so cool)

Returned to the NY Ren Faire and upgraded my ren faire garb

Celebrated at THREE friends’ weddings and got to catch up with old friends I hadn’t seen in awhile

Ate ice cream at the Ben & Jerry’s Factory in Vermont

Went to NYCC for the third year in a row. Got to wear 2 costumes this year: a 1920s flapper interpretation of an occamy and my Endor!Leia costume (repeat of 2017). Learned the True Pain of sewing. Created feather shawl for my occamy costume. Learned the True Pain of crafting.

Celebrated one year anniversary with hubbie down where we got married: visited the museum we got married in and actually got a chance to enjoy the exhibits, went to our favorite brunch place down there, got to check out Fleet Week and tour an aircraft carrier and uh... I think it was a missile cruiser? 

Went up to PSU for a women’s hockey game for sister’s birthday (made embarrassing HAPPY BIRTHDAY sign for the cameras); also it was an absolutely wonderful fall drive on the way up there

Got to see The Rise of Skywalker in IMAX at the Smithsonian Air & Space Center with the awesome @allatariel! (thank goodness we had each other to get through that movie lol) also got to reuse my Endor!Leia costume. I did my own braids for the first time ever! (usually my talented sister does them) They looked like braids done by a n00b, but I didn’t care because they were passable and I did them myself and that was a Big Thing for Perfectionist Me (to not just... say screw it and undo it and just. give up. but to just let them be as is)

Worked hard at therapy and self care

Got a Sleep Number bed and holy shit let me tell you. i can actually sleep now.

OH! I almost forgot!!! Started playing Assassin’s Creed! I’ve only ever really played the LEGO Star Wars and Harry Potter video games so like. This was big for me. 

Writing

Finally finished Learning Curve. TBH I was a bit shocked that this was in fact the only fic I published in 2019. What a travesty.

However! I have been writing

@allatariel & I sat down, overanalyzed You’ve Got Mail, and drafted up the outline for my in-universe AU, something I’ve been dreaming of starting for years. Have about 4300 words so far.

Just under the wire, I did manage to start my NatGeo AU, which I’ve been dreaming of since my honeymoon in Nov 2018

Started editing/revising my original young adult fantasy novel

Poked a little at my epic fantasy pirate travel novel idea

Books

I read exactly one book, Among the Red Stars, which I enjoyed. It’s about women fighter pilots in Russia in WW2. Inspired by real people.

Music

Saw Panic at the Disco! in concert. I went along with my sister. Not like a huge fan, but they put on a pretty fun show!

Saw Waitress on Broadway!! OH MY GOD. And Sara Bareilles was starring in it. Amazing. I freaking love her music (”How does she know / what a heart sounds like?” gahhh). She was so good, and the show was so good. I literally cried all the way through it just because I was so happy to be there, but also because of the content. Man.

Saw Sara Bareilles again, in concert, in Philly. I love her so much.

Television

Finished Critical Role Campaign 1! Oh man, what a ride. Gosh, I love that show. I really need to catch up in C2 now. I’ve started it but I’m only on episode 26 or 27.

I’m not sure whether I finished The Clone Wars in 2018 or 2019. I think it was early 2019. This show was amazing and this was the character development that Anakin Skywalker needed. I love Ahsoka Tano. I cannot wait for the last season.  

Finished Rebels!!! AGAIN, what a ride!!! I still love Ahsoka Tano. I also love Hera Syndulla and Sabine Wren. Sabine’s Darksaber arc was fantastic.

The Mandalorian OMG BABY YODA!!! Yes, I have succumbed to the adorableness of Baby Yoda. Most adorable SW character forever. But also just an enjoyable story in general. This, this is how you craft a story. still NOT over the darksaber omg. 

The Good Place is continuing to be good. Not as crazy about season 4, but I’m so glad they decided to limit the seasons.

Got my sister to watch Rebels!! And then even a few episodes of The Clone Wars!!! Mwahaha >) 

Finally got around to watching The Great British Bake Off, what a sweet show!

OMG I ALMOST FORGOT Anne With an E!!! Gosh what a wonderful wholesome delightful show. No I haven’t watched S3 yet because I am Lawful Good to a fault and just patiently waiting for it to come on Netflix

Film

So, I woefully neglected to mention The Aeronauts in this post about my favorite movies in the 2010s and that was a Mistake. Because I really enjoyed this one

But otherwise probably check out that list. Because I don’t go to the movies that often, actually, and anything I really loved from 2019 is most definitely listed there.

Did I meet my 2019 Goals?

Writing: Fandom

Finish Learning Curve YES

...and How to Lose a Spy in 10 Days Uh, no, not so much

Begin and complete the in-canon universe You’ve Got Mail AU YES, it is begun but no it is not complete

Try to knock out a few other projects on my 30+ SW ideas Umm, I did start / poke at a few things in addition to the YGM and NatGeo AUs, but nothing really “knocked out”

Try my hand at creating more visual fan works (like moodboards/photosets, step 1, learn proper terminology) ahahahah, no. 

Writing: Original

Query more agents for my completed original novel YIKES, No. But I wasn’t anticipating that I’d decide to heavily edit/revise my manuscript.

Actually get around to deciding which idea I want to work on next and work on it Yeah, sure, I decided. How nice of past!Liz to make this goal so reachable as “deciding” lol

Reading

Be more supportive in helping my friend run Book Club so that it can actually meet more regularly HA, oops. Book Club died, but kind of in favor of being able to start a second D&D campaign. At least that’s the trade off I’m looking at. I had some OCD-related glasses issues this year that inhibited reading a lot.

Try to read at least one book for myself outside of Book Club lol WELL the one book I read this year was not part of Book Club sooo

Goals for 2020

Writing

I’m not going to make this a completion goal, but instead...

...I’d like to just focus on creating a regular writing schedule/habit. Whatever the project, I just want to make sure I carve out significant time each week just to write. I don’t want to set a specific goal like “x hours a week” for now, but I want to make sure that I am writing each week.

To achieve that (because what are goals without maps):

If the words don’t immediately jump onto the page, then I’m going to try outlining or summarizing. I’m going to let go of overthinking how sentences are phrased, and just pretend I’m describing the story idea to a friend.

That blank page is staring at me and I’m just going to fill it with words no matter what I might think of them!

And I’m going to let everything else expand from there. And see how that works.

Edit my original manuscript

Query more agents re: original manuscript

Look into the idea of perhaps forming or joining a writer’s group for original writing oh gosh that is so scary

Other

Get back into reading

Develop a routine for working out

Eat healthier

Continue focusing on therapy goals

Get around to watching: Black Sails, Mad Max: Fury Road, Arrival

Get better at responding to things in general

Tagging: @allatariel, @magalis, @mythologicalmango, @skitzofreak, @threadsketchier, @brynnmclean, @ruby-red-inky-blue, @siachti and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it!

Happy New Year y’all!

[austerlitzborodinoleipzig]

Favorite programs 2019/2020 season - Pairs SP

Interesting phenomenon here. On the whole, most of the pairs brought good choreo to the table this season (except of course, russian senior pairs, but that’s a recurring issue imho). However, if the general level was good, I did not really fell in love with most of the SP. Good quality all around but less stand-outs. 

6 - Miriam Ziegler/Severin Kiefer - Sunshine on Leigh, choreo by Mark Pillay (vid from Euros)

For Euros, they brought back their 2017/2018 and that was really a good decision. This is a charming program. Choreo is basic, but come on! A short program to a remix of 500 miles! If that’s not enough to get on my list, I don’t know what will. Also great performance there, on home ice. 

5 - Cheng Peng/Yang Jin - Alegria, choreo by Lori Nichol (vid from 4CC)

Originaly, I loved the choreo, hated the music. Now that the season is behind us, I don’t mind it. I love how they chose to get a circusy program. Clever choice that made them stand out this season. I love the choreo elements and the final pose. They have nice elements. They are really becoming quite the pair. For the past two seasons Peng has matured in quite the performer on the ice, and I always thought Jin was a great actor, with great expressions. They are polished, they always have decent to great programs... Tech content may have hit a ceilling (those pesky jumps), but in terms of PCS, they should be way up there. 

4 - Alina Pepeleva/Roman Pleshkov - L.O.V.E., choreo by Natalia Pecherskaia (vid from RusNats)

One of the most pleasing to watch young russian pairs of this past seasons. Only surpassed perhaps by Panfilova/Rylov, because Panfilova’s lines are to die for. Rylov’s lines...  Not as good. 

Anyway, back to Pepeleva/Pleshkov. They have gone through some pains this season. First half was not really successful. They struggled to skate clean, had problems with a couple of elements. And in the second half, Alina got injured so they missed Junior Nats and possibly worlds. But please, check out their performance at RusNats, because they were outstanding there, placing 5th overall. 

P/P have that quality that’s called in russian “tantzevalnost”. The ability to dance. They have that ease and freedom of movement on ice. They have the posture, and the sense of rythm. Their elements are also nice. Big twist, great lifts, solid throws. And that SP just showcases their best qualities. 

It’s your classic light, groovy, dancefloor program, but it’s filled with nice transitions, dance holds, and steps, and all-around delightful. A small gem, and really one of the highlights of the season imho. Check out their entry into the death spiral. It’s nicely done. 

3 - Evgenia Tarasova/Vladimir Morozov - Boléro, choreo by Charlie White (vid from RusNats)

It’s really unfortunate that when T/M made a massive leap in terms of quality of the programs, they started to struggle with the technical aspects. Because they have the best programs of the Russian team. By a long shot. 

T/M and Boléro is a match made in heaven. Powerful classical music. Rythm and effective build-up, allowing them to showcase their gorgeous elements (in theory). It’s a program that’s entirely build to produce that Wow effect. That type of aggressive, take-no-prisoner, kill-the-rest-of-the-field program. A bit like the Rachmaninoff SP which was until this season their best program, but on a whole other level. 

Gorgeous transitions. Those face-to-face squats into the death spiral, the side-by-side slides into the spin, the exit pose on the SBS jumps. The whole program is constructed like a spiral on the ice, that gains in intensity. Their new lift and dismount is great. I like how cohesive everything is.

They still really struggled this season, and I think we only saw Bolero performed at most at 75% of their capabilities. I’d like to see more energy and confidence, more sharpness, more unisson on the step sequence from them, but even at that level it was still very effective. 

2 - Ashley Cain-Gribble/Timothy LeDuc - A Storm is Coming, choreo by Misha Ge (vid from Skate America)

C/L have come a long way. They are currently my favorite american pair, and perhaps the most interesting one. I was shocked when I watched their skates at Skate America. Yes they did not podium, but despite the mistakes, they were on a whole other league, and the difference in terms of performance and quality of the choreography with the rest of the field was striking (with the exception of Peng/Jin).

I really, really love this SP. I love the music choice. I love the choreo, especially the step sequence. Timothy LeDuc doesn’t get enough credit for being able to do an I-spin. I love Ashley’s arms. Mostly this is a program that just screams Cain/LeDuc. They have a clear idea of the type of programs they want to skate, of their strength and weaknesses as a pair. Yes, I understand those who think they still skate like two strong single skaters, and not really like a team. Rewatching their SP for the purpose of making this post I thought :”that’s really the type of choreo I could see a single skater skate”. It doesn’t bother me. Works for them, and it sets them apart from the rest of the field. 

1 - Wenjing Sui/Cong Han - Blues Deluxe, choreo by Lori Nichol (vid from NHK)

Honestly, not S/H’s best short program. Not that original as well. Another Blues program, but with the sexyness dialed up 100%. It works great tho. I had no doubts Sui would be able to pull it off, but Han is convincing as well. 

Anyway it’s the most intricate program in the field, and they execute all the steps and transitions effortlessly. Not even execute. They are dancing it out. I read a post from someone once that the only team right now that could compete on the same level as Papadakis/Cizeron is Sui/Han. They have the skills, choreo, musicality and posture. 

Honorable mentions : Hamon/Strekalyn (Bang Bang), McIntosh/Toste (Everybody Wants to Rule the World), the Knierims (At Last)

[sciencespies]

Cicadas Are Delightful Weirdos You Should Learn to Love

https://sciencespies.com/nature/cicadas-are-delightful-weirdos-you-should-learn-to-love/

Cicadas Are Delightful Weirdos You Should Learn to Love

Around this time of year, Marianne Alleyne hosts dozens of houseguests in her basement. Far from using camping equipment or cots, they sleep upside-down, clinging to a curtain. The entomologist at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign has collected cicadas, those bizarre and misunderstood cyclical insects, for four years.

“In Illinois, we have 20 species, and hardly anything is known about them,” Alleyne says. “We know very little about what they’re doing underground.”

Cicadas have a longstanding reputation as loud, swarming pests that keep obnoxiously particular schedules. In the United States, they got a bad rap from the beginning, as early colonists misidentified these clouds of emerging cicadas as locusts. “They were thought of as a biblical plague,” says John Cooley, an assistant professor in residence at the University of Connecticut. That impression has been a lasting one: a group of cicadas is still referred to as a plague or a cloud. “The question I get the most is ‘How do I kill them?’” Cooley says.

Chris Simon, an entomologist with more than 40 years of experience working with cicadas, says that feeling has changed—somewhat. “Some people freak out,” she says. “But the other half…they take their kids out, they go watch [periodical cicadas] come out of their shells. They think it’s amazing.” As another group of cicadas awakens in some U.S. states this spring, experts still have much to learn about them. What we do know, however, is that they are delightfully weird, and researchers across the sciences are studying these creatures to answer big human challenges.

Cicada moulting while attached to a curtain in Marianne Alleyne’s basement.

(Marianne Alleyne)

Prime weirdness

Cicadas spend the majority of their lives underground. They spend years developing into adults before they can emerge to sing, mate and lay eggs. For a majority of the nearly 3,400 cicada species, that emergence happens every two to five years and can vary from cycle to cycle. The strange periodical cicadas, on the other hand, are very different.

Periodical cicadas like Magicicicada spend 13 or 17 years underground, and millions of them surface together. To make sense of it all, biologists classify the periodicals into one of 15 existing “broods” based on their species, location, and—importantly—which years they emerge. This year, for example, Brood IX is emerging in North Carolina, West Virginia and Virginia for the first time since 2003.

Once cicadas do emerge, the sheer volume can be overwhelming. Some people wake up to find millions of cicadas blanketing nearby cars, trees, and houses. According to Cooley, when male cicadas sing in a full chorus on a hot sunny day, they immerse you in sound from every direction. “It’s the most unusual sensation,” he says. Many species sound pleasant, but the periodical cicadas “are like a jet engine or a buzz-saw.” Only a handful of weeks after emerging, the chorus fades away with the cicadas. They leave behind only calories for their predators, nutrients for the soil, and eggs destined to repeat their multi-year cycle.

But why do cicadas emerge in 13- and 17-year cycles, anyway? One hypothesis with much buzz among mathematicians is that it’s because both numbers are prime; the theory goes that the cycles prevent specialized predators from springing up. Cicadas are easy prey. They’re not hard to catch, Cooley says, and “anything that can catch ‘em will eat ‘em.” But predators, such as foxes or owls, whose populations cycle up and down every one to ten years can’t sync up with such irregular prey.

Cooley sees the merits of the hypothesis but is skeptical. Of the thousands of cicada species, only a handful are periodical. If pressure from predators was exceptional enough to make these species periodical, then why aren’t all cicadas periodical? He says we just don’t know.

“This work has been characterized by a hell of a lot of surprises,” Cooley says. “Every time you come up with a great idea for why [cicadas] are periodical, it’s pretty easy to just blow a hole in it. And they do have specialized predators—fungus.”

1930 illustration of a 17-year Magicicada cicada

(Robert Evans Snodgrass)

Zombie cicadas

In recent years, researchers have unearthed peculiar and sometimes horrifying relationships between cicadas and fungi. Massospora fungi infect cicadas and hijack their bodies. The fungi can even synchronize to the cicada’s life cycle, staying dormant until the cicada is ready to emerge. Once active, they take over the bottom half of the cicada’s body while somehow keeping the cicada alive. The infected cicada flies away, spreading spores that infect future generations.

“Once the host is neutralized, it’s a walking zombie,” says Cooley, who was involved in the work. “It is the walking dead.”

That’s not the only fungus to wreak havoc on cicadas. Ophiocordyceps fungi also invade the underground cicada. But rather than keep the cicada alive, this fungal parasite coaxes its host to crawl upwards towards the forest floor and die. With nothing in its way, the fungus grows to sprout a mushroom out of the soil—all from within the cicada’s body.

Despite these wild parasites, cicadas are far from doomed. Recent research suggests some cicadas have flipped the script and domesticated their fungal parasites. Rather than turning into a fungal flowerpot for the parasitic Ophiocordyceps, a few species live symbiotically with the parasite. The fungus gets a home and probably provides the cicada with essential nutrients in return. This has happened in species all over the world, but the origin of this arrangement is a mystery.

Simon says this fungal relationship is currently her lab’s major project. “Maybe it’s the fungus that decided to give up its parasitic ways and live inside a comfy cicada.”

Massaspora cicada

(Wiki Commons / TelosCricket under Creative Commons 4.0)

Endlessly adapting

While periodical cicada broods are enormous and remarkably synchronized, once in a while some “stragglers” do come out early. In 2017, for example, periodical cicadas clouded the East coast four years early. This May, Brood XIX crashed the party ahead of schedule, too, leaving scientists curious as to whether climate change has played a role. “We’ve predicted that the warmer it is, the more we’re going to see these four-year accelerations,” Simon says. If these 17-year stragglers keep emerging early, they may permanently synchronize to a 13-year cycle.

Or perhaps they will change in more unexpected ways. Because 17-year cicadas are so abundant, their fussiness makes them living, breathing gauges for the environment. “They’re sitting down there integrating 17 years’ worth of data on what the forest is doing,” Cooley says. “And if the forest is screwed up or broken, that’s going to show up.”

Cicadas develop differently in cities, too. In 2018, a group led by DeAnna Beasley at the University of Tennessee-Chattanooga showed that urban cicadas grow larger. Urban areas use more fertilizer, and their concrete and population density turn them into “heat islands” that can be 5 degrees warmer than rural areas—stimulating conditions for these insects. (Cicadas develop faster with more warmth and nutrients.)

But it’s not yet possible to conclude how (or if) climate change threatens cicadas. Since historical data isn’t as reliable as current data—Cooley says that scientists are essentially still establishing the starting point. “So if we want to be able to consider these to be indicators of forest health, we’ve got to do the legwork to figure out what normal is.”

Learning from cicadas

Scientists have been looking to cicadas to solve human-sized problems. That’s because cicadas’ late-life wings are covered in a natural engineering marvel: minuscule uniform nanopillars that repel water, kill bacteria and self-clean. The germ-killing wings inspire chemists and engineers who want to harness these properties.

Some try to design these nanopillars as glare-free, self-cleaning surfaces for solar panels. Others, like Susan Kelleher, a chemist at University College Dublin, were captivated by the antibacterial surfaces. “Controlling cell behavior is not only so interesting but essential for biomedical science,” Kelleher says. “The next step is to translate what we learn from the natural world, into a scalable and manufacturable material.”

For years, engineers have focused only on the dimensions of the wing patterns. Recently, though, Marianne Alleyne’s team of biologists, chemists and engineers looked deeper. They published evidence that specific chemical compounds secreted by cicadas are essential to building and maintaining those ingenious nanopillars. The work shows that for those seeking to design technology with cicada-inspired antibacterial traits, it’s not enough to mimic what the cicadas look like—the secrets lay deeper. Revealing those secrets, Alleyne says, means working with biologists to actually learn how these mysterious cicadas build what they build.

“Sometimes the engineers can go like, ‘we can make this better, we can do it in a clean room’,” Alleyne says. “But insects can make this material out of nothing, right? Maybe we can be inspired to do it that way.”

When she goes out to collect cicadas, Alleyne makes a point to bring the engineering students along. All the collected nymphs wind up in Alleyne’s basement. Overnight, they inch their way up the curtain and spread their wings. “Now and then, one of them mysteriously disappears, and that’s when my family is not happy with me. ” Alleyne says. “But it’s all for science.”

#Nature

[twilightvolt]

And so, another year has come to pass.....almost. ^  ^

Remember when i said i was branching away from Digimon back when i drew up Venom fanart? y’know, “I wanted to be more than what i used to be.” that being “a Digimon artist.”

2019 was basically just that. lots and lots and LOTS of fandom hopping.

If last year was me recovering from the pain and crippling anxiety of 2017, then this year was me finally getting up again, learning to stand up and live for myself rather than in fear of those i shouldn’t care about anymore. life still hasn’t been too kind to me even though, compared to last year, we’re in a better space. but i’ll get into more detail about that while i go through everything month by month on the clock.

Before we begin, if you’d like to see the previous years, here’s the links!

2018:https://twilightvolt.tumblr.com/post/181732950569/i-kinda-was-saving-this-for-when-i-had-the-time-to

2017:https://twilightvolt.tumblr.com/post/171806337539/a-3-month-late-art-summary-featuring-art-that-i

Might wanna grab your popcorn, my dudes. this is a long one.

January: On the Web

Coming out of 2018, things were pretty ok if i remember. i don’t remember much from this month aside from a few doodles i did like this one from when Spiderverse was the hottest thing. this was one of the last things i drew in my old style. before i decided to officially change things up in the next month.

February: Gotta Kick it Up

Pokemon Sword & Shield were announced and things were hype! oh, how things soured as the months went by. lol

But yeah, this was me taking that experimental sketchy pencil style from that Smash Bros. drawing and rolling with it all the way! it’s become my new go-to style and even though it’s still hella sketchy at times, i feel like it looks better in comparison to my old ink outlined drawings.

March: The Overdrive Dweebanoids

Oh right. my old Ben 10 phase that lasted for a millisecond in 2016 returned with a vengeance. and it was glorious. lmao

It spawned an AU that i didn’t delve into much, but if i ever get that spark for my favorite alien watch bearer, i’ll get back to it.

April: True Blue Lizard Bois

My Ben 10 streak continues and i was crankin’ out art left and right for it. i luved all the “doodle dumps” i made, but this drawing was wholesome and i picked it because of that.

To some extent, this could be a comparison between my past and my present. that being Overdrive!Ben being what, at the time, was my current obsession while Digimon!Vivi was a representation of where i used to be, back when i was starting out and entering Digimon OCTs on Deviantart.

May: Return to the Realm of Sleep ~HD ReMIX

Now THIS i feel was one of the grandest drawings i’ve done this year. hell, i even made a wallpaper out of it.

like, it was just a redraw of an old drawing from 2017. but to me, it was a way to tell me just how far i’ve come since then. and i couldn’t be happier.

This was also the month i rebooted my DA after a long time of inactivity!

....Iiiit didn’t really work much, but i’m still working on it. though i highly doubt it’s worth it considering most of the ones i used to hang with there are either people i don’t wanna associate with or people who left while i was gone. seriously, it’s a ghost town there.

June: Art Fight 2019 ~Dreams Vs. Nightmares~

Ahh, my second year of Art Fight. for this year’s event, i wanted to be a tad more grandiose. like drawing up this banner. i like being extra and stuff even if it kills my drawing hand, so yeah. lmao

...

Florida thunderstorms are friggin’ terrifying. idk HOW anyone can get used to that.

July: - BREAK DOWN -

Oookay, it was hard picking my favorite attack this year cuz i pretty much was satisfied with all of them. but i had to go with this attack because the artist i drew it for was someone i really admired for years and i’m just happy i could finally have an opportunity to draw them something. like, i luv how it came out, so yeah.

This was also the month i forced myself to finally do the thing and let go of the constant fear i felt towards certain people i used to hang with. while remembering 2017 will never NOT hurt, i can’t let that fear rule over me forever. i have to take control and not let it stop me from doing what i want. and that’s exactly what i did.

August: Ricky ~Sapphire, Emerald and AlphaSapphire

Oh yeah! after Art Fight ended, i returned to Pokemon randomly cuz i wanted to go back to my roots for a moment. revamping Ricky, formerly Ragna, and Yagami was something i’ve been meaning to do for awhile and it reignited a waning love for a series i started growing distant towards since Gen VII.

I used to really like Ricky’s old design even though i barely ever used him. but i guess this just shows how much more original i’ve gotten in terms of character design. ^  ^

September: Heartbeat Inferno

Now, i haven’t really talked much about what’s been going on life wise for most of this post, but trust me when i say irl, things weren’t really.....happening. like, it’s hard when you live (or rather, lived now) in a place with little job opportunity and you have NO experience whatsoever. the lack of progression must’ve hit something in me, so the week i drew this was me just....shifting moods, feeling everything at once. one day i’d be agitated as hell, the next i’d be so depressed i took a some odd hour nap and didn’t wanna get out of bed. like, for most of this year, i haven’t felt this stressed out and frustrated with myself. so this sudden crash was kind of....unwelcome.

But this drawing was a fresh change though, if i’m being honest. i’m not usually this uncaring about how clean the coloring job is, but i like it! i’d choose that other drawing i did for my friends’ birthdays, Skirmish at the Cable Club, but this one had a more personal drive behind it.

October: - PAPERMOON -

beastarsbeastarsbeASTARSBEASTARS--*COUGH COUGH AHEM* I MEAN....hai. :D

Continuing with my Pokemon shenanigans, i drew this big piece which was something i had in my head for years now, but never actually acted upon it cuz i always felt it was too big of an idea to work on. i’m happy i’ve managed to capture what i envisioned originally.

As for interests, i’m sure most of my current followers can deduce that i quickly shifted gears to Beastars as soon as the anime was released and so far, i regret nothing. it’s spawned a metric butt ton of new art from me and the way i see it, this phase ain’t stopping as long as this series continues. brace yourselves fam, i believe i’ve finally found the successor to my Digimon phase. lmao

Like, damn, i had a tough time choosing art for this month. i was stuck between this, - SMILE/WILD SIDE - and Slip Into Madness. so many good drawings i was satisfied with, y’know?

November: The Future is Now

I was SO planning on putting something else here, but then suddenly i just kinda had this urge to redraw that uggo gouache painting of Miyagi from highschool. and it turned out so good that i had to. like, really. lmao

As with the redraw of Dream Drop Digital’s key art, it was a reminder of how far i’ve come since then art wise. and i feel like i’ve accomplished so much this year because of it. ;w;

December: Winter Lights

And now we’re back to the present time. after over a year or so of living in Florida, we’ve moved once again back up north a bit. yet another clean slate, but things seem to be looking up despite the rather large bumps in the road the past week or so. lately i’ve been feeling that seasonal depression starting to set in, but i think i’ll be fine as long as i stay positive. cuz y’know, it’s not being happy all the time. it’s just knowing that things will get better someday.

One of the other reasons i drew this drawing was cuz i REALLY wanted to have something Beastars related on this clock. this series (and Legoshi in particular) really inspired me, so i had to leave a wedge open for my boi.

Looking back at the beginning of this decade (as 2020 would mark the next one), i realized that the 2010′s were basically me becoming more artsy. finding enjoyment for a new hobby that quickly became something i’m now more passionate about than video games which i didn’t think would EVER be the case.

Funny enough, it all started in the RP section of a little forum for an MMO called Wizard101. i was only in middle school at the time and, to tell you the truth, i had no idea i’d be going at it for this long. thought i’d just do it on the side but not really delve into the art world more.

But despite all the trips and falls, fandom drama or otherwise, i wouldn’t change anything if it meant i wouldn’t have the friends who’ve stuck by me in the aftermath of those times.

I may not be really succeeding in much, but it’s the small steps in life that matter most in the end. these past few months in particular was me getting fed up with feeling sorry for myself for not doing the things i was interested in in the past, getting over my regret and making plans for starting something new even though i know i’ll suck at first and not worrying so much about how others might perceive me.

And just like how life was changing for our resident grey wolf this first season, mine seems to be doing the same. and i believe this decade ended on a better note than i thought it would during the past couple years leading up to this.

Here’s to a new decade! ^  ^

~ For a future I want to believe in. ~