#I project onto them a lot because they remind me of things I struggle with myself

[backfliips]

I work at an alternative school for teen students who for many various reasons are unable to be functional in a traditional typical classroom setting - disciplinary reasons, anxiety, emotional disorders, trauma, etc. - and I assist with a lot of english classes. It makes me a little sad that the teacher I work the most closely with hates the catcher in the rye so much because I’ve been rereading it and I think my students would relate really closely to Holden Caulfield. Caulfield may be annoying and whiny and privileged and obnoxious but I think the narrative of a teenager who acts out and postures himself to be older than he actually is and is struggling to comprehend and process a lot of trauma in his life so he does things he can’t even explain to himself and acts self destructive and lashes out to other people and has emotional breakdowns for seemingly no reason would be REALLY relatable to a lot of my students and I wish I could teach it to them...

[ikamigami]

I'M LEAVING SAMS FANDOM

And I won't continue watching any of these shows..

I decided that I can't enjoy Sun and Moon Show anymore when Davis and EC decided to mock me (and many fans with mental issues) instead of just post something on social media that would clarify everything.

Regardless of their true intentions people were hurt and it doesn't seem like they plan to apologize for this.

They want us fans to feel sorry for the fact that they decided themselves to post these episodes daily and because they're a small team they don't have a time to make their story more clear.

Many people who were self-projecting onto Sun and who made headcanons or just saw him as suicidal did that as a way to cope with their own mental issues and trauma. None of us were forcing anything on Davis and EC.. I definitely wasn't doing that - I don't know them.. I don't even know where they live.. I don't know who they're friends with.. I don't even follow (in a sense that I'm checking their social media) their social media - I only ocassionally see some posts on X from Davis because I followed him but like I said I don't spend my time to see what Davis and EC are doing.. I have my own life, my own struggles to care about and I thought that Sun and Moon Show can be a fun escape for me which turned out to be the opposite..

It hurts a lot because thanks to this show and thanks to Sun's character I finally reflected on myself and my own experiences.. and I was finally able to put together the broken pieces of myself..

They say that we're assuming something about Davis and EC but they're doing exactly the same thing when they portray us as creepy and disturbing fans.

Many people felt disgusted by that episode. And yet they didn't even care to make any clarifications because they don't give a damn.

I'm sorry that I didn't believe those people (who used to be fans of these shows) that Davis and EC don't treat mental issues with respect and that they mock people who have these mental issues.

I'm saying all of this as someone who really tried to defend Davis and EC's decisions many times. Trying to defend the way they portray mental issues. Trying to support them.

And what it left me with? The awful mockery.

I'm sure that they assumed some horrible things about me because of some well known fans in this fandom who were trying to paint me in awful light - that I'm disturbing for relating to Sun in more dark way (I saw Sun's behaviour and thought to myself that he act like me in many situations and the things he went through reminded me of my own experiences hence why I thought that he might struggle with similar mental issues to mine which also include being suicidal - I was passively suicidal for quite some time). These bigger names were laughing at my theories just because they didn't turn out to be true but they didn't care that the topic of suicide is something serious to me. They were bullying me. They also lied that I dragged anyone into discussions about this topic when it never happened. I'm talking mainly about a person behind Twinanimatronics blog. They told this lie when they assumed that I posted something on Tsams Confessions blog - where in fact someone just tried to defend me. And they did all of that behind my back - because they blocked me.

I was spiraling into despair and my mental state worsened when I've seen these awful accusations about me..

This fandom is toxic. Davis and EC can't act like adults but decide to mock fans.. even though the way they portrayed their characters drawed fans who has mental issues because they saw themselves in these characters.. and what they got is awful mockery..

My advice is to avoid Sun and Moon Show and any of these shows especially if you suffer from mental issues and especially if you struggle with suicidal thoughts.

I'm grateful that I met in this fandom some amazing people who showed me tons of support ^^

I can't thank enough to any of them for their support and kindness and lots of care they showed me 💗 Thank you ^^

I'll still keep in touch with my friends who I met through this fandom ^^

[funnywormz]

I think this shitshow with Toshiro stems from the trend of people INSISTING that interpersonal conflict must be a moral failing. Like I think there's something to be said about how people afford so much less patience to people who are autistic in the "wrong" ways, but also Laios and Toshiro just clash on a fundamental level that has nothing to do with that. Hell, you could read Toshiro as autistic as well. People related to Laios' side of the argument but instead of getting any nuance out of it they started projecting their experiences with ableist people onto Toshiro.

AGREE AGREE AGREE. i think that Fandom Brain gets people very used to thinking of conflicts in terms of "who is the bad guy and who is the good guy", so when they encounter a more nuanced conflict they don't really know what to do. i don't think toshiro is a bad person at all, in his conflict with laios he's just exhausted and starving and has been pushed to the limit and from his perspective, laios doesn't even seem that emotionally affected by the situation. i don't think what he said was right and it was pretty cruel, but i don't think he's a villain or deserves to be permanently hated as a character just bc he fucked up this time lol

also yeah you could definitely read him as autistic, and i think that highlights an issue in the autistic community in general bc like....... a lot of autistic people have conflicting needs which can lead to conflict between them/make them unable to stand being around each other. and it's not because either of them are neurotypical or bad people, they're just incompatible. like autistic people who loudly stim vocally and autistic people who meltdown when they have to be around loud noises, for example. it doesn't mean either of them is bad or not autistic, just that they have conflicting needs

i 100% agree with the last part too. i disliked toshiro at first myself bc i had been (and still do ngl) projecting onto laios hard and the conflict they had reminded me of times when people have been mean or angry at me irl for social blunders i've made unintentionally, or when someone i thought liked me/was my friend turned out to actually hate me. it's a common experience for autistic people and that scene resonates with that! but i think it also helps to take a step back from projecting our own traumatic experiences onto the scene and just look at it objectively. laios isn't perfect either and he's the one who actually starts the physical fight by slapping toshiro (i feel like i don't see many people mention this lol). i feel super bad for him in that scene but he's not a perfect victim and has done things wrong himself too

as an autistic person i've also been in situations where i can relate to toshiro too lol, like where someone is overly physically and emotionally familiar with me when we don't know each other well and i've wanted them to back off but haven't been sure how to say it without hurting their feelings. this kind of conflict is far from just being a "neurotypical vs neurodivergent" thing as a lot of people portray it in the fandom

idk i just wish people would think a little more deeply about the scene and put their own emotions and experiences aside to instead consider the conflict with the added context of the individual characters and their respective cultures + the situation they're in. people don't have to like toshiro but i wish they wouldn't paint him as a villain or make up awful shit about him just to justify their feelings when he isn't even that bad of a dude in canon yknow 😑. also we literally see him at rock bottom struggling and freaking out and i think that's important to remember. in a different context i doubt he would have ever said those things to laios

[the-alarm-system]

Anti Endos and Projection of Decisions and Hurt

I'd like to start this off with my story and how it relates to the experiences of many hurt anti-endos.

I don't remember a big chunk of my original trauma, most of it feels like a dream that has chunks guarded by Red our protector. I do have bits and pieces, and I know for a fact that I went through RAMCOA.

Growing up I got hurt by a lot of women, and one of those woman's personas got introjected into my system and would retraumatize me consistently for a few years. This was before I realized I was plural.

What Im trying to say is I have survived a lot of horrible shit, and I know it's why I'm plural, and I have had horribly abusive headmates before.

Anti Endos bring these forms of exo and internal abuse up whenever attacking the slogan "The future is plural". I saw an anti endo say

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And I got angry enough to make this. Maybe it was rage bait, but I'm convinced most of them genuinely believe this.

Using your own trauma and hurt to invalidate the existence of others is one of the most vile horrible things you can do. Not every traumagenic system is formed from programming, not every system existing is formed from programming. Trust me I know the pain of being hurt that way, but are you serious? Don't use your trauma to hurt others. No endo wants to fucking program a child and abuse them, this is just a false analogy used to bring fear to others and towards the movement. We are not the enemy.

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I have experienced strong negatives, I've felt strong dissociation, memory loss, and Scald has gotten lost before and we do struggle a lot in disordered experiences. But this is expecting that every system puts the negatives above the positives. This is expecting that your experience and perspective of your own system lines up with everyone elses. I don't care that I have so much to deal with, being a system makes me extremely happy and I would love to share that with others. Obvious negatives? Yes, but "few" positives? In my experience with DID, psychosis, and even BPD I do my best to see the lighter side of them because I wouldn't be me without them. I have so many more pros than cons that comes with being a system because I actively changed my perspective in order to accept ourselves. I had to see the joy of it because I was abusing Scald by not accepting him and giving him individuality. I understand a system seeing their DID as more negative than positive, but this is projection to others which is simply narrow minded.

Before going deeper, I want to affirm that I have no hatred towards those who go towards final fusion or uses parts language. This is an argument about those who project their end goals and hurt and suffering onto other systems in order to invalidate them.

While I may not experience this towards my own system, I can understand why others may despise being many and/or desire to end as a singlet. However in the argument against endos; being broken, wanting fusion, using parts language, and hating yourself as a system is bought up multiple times. Here are some examples:

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Their views on their systemhood, while valid, is narrowed to the expectation that every other system should see it that way and if they don't they are put into the pile of fakes and subject to harassment. Anti endos have called me disgusting simply for expressing how happy being a system makes me. It reminds me of when I was a transmedicalist(essay for later) to be honest.

If you don't want to fuse, if you don't see your systems existence as an abomination, and you desire better acceptance from the world

You are a fucked up groomer who is anti recovery, never wants to heal, and wants to abuse children.

I'm sorry I love my system

I'm sorry I found so much joy in my system that I would love for there to be more of us and better acceptance of us

I'm sorry that I'm not all pessimistic on my system

To be honest, I can't change the past I went through, I can't delete my system,

But maybe to me it's ok to see the good that came out of it even if its hard then and hard now

Projecting your perspective of your systemhood onto others though, projecting false analogies based on your own trauma, and expecting every experience to be the same as yours is vile and just self victimizing in order to hurt vulnerable systems looking for community.

Giving your sob story, ranting about how you hate your pieces/headmates, and then tying it up with "and thats why endos want to hurt children" is a different level of fucked up

small personal note: if I had to endure everything again just to be with Scald, I would Over and over and over Piss yourself mad about it antis, I love my system and we aren't faking because of it

[prapaiwife]

Wandee, goodday finale thoughts!💜💛

This video pls!! 😭😭😭 I'm going to start with saying great and inn have an amazing chemistry and forgive me but I think this is like both of their first work as a pair so I hope they get more projects in the future cuz they are really really good together.

Yak with his trauma this episode and really facing it in the face and sitting up for himself against his past self that continuously made him feel like a failure stemming from him not being there with his mom and her last moments. And it was like from that moment on as we saw he continuously felt like all he did was let people down his brother and dee. He won the championship that day but I would cost because his mom wasn't able to praise him and see it happen him being at the match if anything took away more than what he got at the end of it all which was yeah the title. But he didn't get to show his mom when she was here he wanted to make her proud so much and be able to show her that he could finish school and still pursue his boxing career. And so, like he felt like he failed her at that part of not being able to show her that he accomplished winning the title when he did at that time. And so he had another goal to accomplish for his mom, and that was to finish up his schooling and with him studying and going to taem, who helped him tremendously.

But with all the boiling down to him facing himself in the end today and having to really just forgive himself and not blame himself for that. And know that his mom loved him very much and still does and wouldn't want him to be himself down for that. Him not being there while she passed does not take away the love that he had for her when she was here. She felt the love that her son had for her and she always talked highly of her sons. And so it was in a way good to see him face that dark negative side of him that mentally constantly wants him to beat himself up and call himself a failure. Although he might not be able to completely get over it which you don't have to let trauma define you and / or hold on to you. He can be able to move on to his life knowing that he did the best that he could and the things that he did accomplish his mom would be very much proud of him for. He doesn't have to duwell on the past and how it happened when he made everyone proud around him and his mom especially happy. Yak was very much afraid of losing people around him that he would do anything to keep them around.

And his relationship with yei his brother his idol the man that he wants become. Cause of their dad actions, it led to their relationship having a bit of a strain and made them at times not see each other eye to eye. But the love was always there, never not present. yei took on being that older brother and father figure, and it was a lot for him to handle. Although his intentions were in a good place truthfully cause he wanted their mom to see he's doing it, he's gonna make Yak's dream come true. But all the while, he's taking care of the responsibility of the gym and the financial bruden of that in his own. Though he had cher he doesn't want to put more onto anyone when he knows what it's like he wants to do it all alone after their dad left he had to start over in the sense of doing everything alone. But it was good for him to have that reminder and really now know that he doesn't have to face any of this alone his brother wants to help although he feels he needs to just live his life with no worries. It does the opposite to yak when he can clearly see his brother struggling and worrying and even worse, shutting him out of the important conversations. But he needed to let that weight off his shoulders and give himself credit for what he had done! He's an amazing brother who had so much thrown onto them, and yet he handled it the best way he could not always sensible, but he tried he always did. But now it's time for him to rest and be proud of what he did for his brother and cher and his family cause it wasn't easy. But he did it, and if he isn't gonna give himself a pat on the back, cher will, lol.

Dee and his whole Arc or his own trauma being his parents passing away when he was young, and so he doesn't vaguely remember much of his relationship with them nor does he remember much of feeling love by them. He was then on to be raised by his grandma, and she did a wonderful job because she raised him so well and gave him good advice! she loves Dee so much and just wants him to see that he as well can want that for himself if he lets himself.

Dee for someone who doesn't know what it's like to be loved or more so sees it as unattainable for him. Sure has so much love in him. He thought that he had a chance at it with ter only to be rejected and look down on in a sense of him being quote on quote "vanilla." And so he wanted to prove that he wasn't to himself and ter. He just needed to have some validation in a sense that he's not what he thought of him. But it was good to see him come to that realization that he doesn't need it from him. Ter isn't the only man out there he ended up not just finding better, but he found love with someone who completely taught him the meaning of what love is, and it isn't forceful or selfish. It's selfless and compassionate, and comforting, just welcoming. So i love that for him and yak cause they complete each other well.

Yei and cher!!!!! I LOVE THEM SO BAD SO SO BAD THE WEDDING WAS BEAUTIFUL. I WISH THEM HAPPINESS ALWAYS. But they were the only established couple throughout the show and such a great example for yak and Dee. When they first met, it was because yei saved cher out of a horrible situation that was happening. And cher showed up to the gym the next day, learning some self-defense, and they just gradually fell in love afterward. And yei loves Cher so much like he treasures the ground that he walks on he will do anything for him. It's his honor to take care of him for the rest of his life. But cher loves yei so much he completely trusts him with his life and wants to be included in any which way he can to help support yei and his dreams. They are so loyal to each other and will always tell each other that they are doing well and it's so sweet they were always commited its just now official!!!🤧😭😭

Thorfluke show pls!!!😭🫶🏽

My cons a lot lol

So my only critiques is ter lol I think that definitely could have been better I don't think he needed to end up with taem in my opinion but they were trying to redeem in some way by him coming around eventually to actually accepting that dee is over him! But not on how he was completely out of line with dee as well that was kinda swpet under the rug to me.

More blue and kao!! The talk of asexulity is nice, but I wanted his story to see how he and Blue got together!!

The whole asking you to be my boyfriend was carried throughout till the end!? I thought we already acknowledged that, but nope lol but yet they had that moment in 11, and then what pulled back but still gave us moments? But at what cost? lol, this back and forth was just like ridiculous.

And I was expecting more of a conversation with yei and cher regarding his lying, but nope lol and the gym being almost sold like it's saved by the fight, that's it no talk on it.

Yak and his fear of not wanting to be out as a gay boxer I thought was the motion we were heading in but no cause he came around and did a whole confession to dee, but I thought it would've been more talked about or just present throughout I guess.

Lying to kao in his sessions this might just be me but I think he should've just been honest with kao that he didn't want to talk about it, so at least they both could start slow and not completely give it no chance. Cause he lied and didn't tell anyone really excoet dee what he dee defienly helped him in some aspects, but he could've used kao as that help when he had access to do so. And him telling dee I thought dee would've been more not upset but concerned like your telling me this while your literally going to fight! Like they talked out a conversation about his lying to dee and kao I would've wanted.

[eveninglight416]

Homecoming

A little thing I wrote during a rough time about my favorite noodle twins 💚💚 I figured I’d post bc whatevs. This is just me projecting onto Velvet but I like how it turned out :) (yes I did cry while writing this I’m just a girl)

I think the twins (especially Velvet) struggled a lot in school with not being popular or having partners (just like me fr). This is a little window into that and I think not having a great childhood explains why Velvet is so desperate for fame/fans, girl just wants to be loved <3

//

Flashing lights. Loud music. Pretty dresses. All things Velvet loved, but she wasn’t enjoying herself one bit in the back of the gym, with no one to keep her company but her brother.

No one had complimented her short gold dress, or extravagant hair, or makeup, or anything she had done to try and make herself stand out. She thought her junior homecoming might be different, but that was a stupid thought. Just the same old nothing.

At this point, she wasn’t even surprised no one had asked her to the dance. Well, someone did—her brother—in a kind attempt to make her feel better. She had smiled and accepted, but it only made her feel worse. It only reminded her that no one else would ever want to be with them. He was a nobody, too, taking his nobody sister to this boring dance.

As if to mock her, the DJ chose a love song next: Enchanted by Taylor Swift. Velvet could barely watch, but she couldn’t take her eyes away as all the couples paired up. Listening to the lyrics only made her more upset, knowing no one would ever feel that way about her.

“Hey, pretty girl.”

Velvet looks away from the scene to see her brother, holding out his hand to her. She rolls her eyes.

“Very funny, Veneer,” she sighs, taking her gaze back to the couples on the dance floor.

“How do you know my name?” Veneer responds with shock. “I’ve never seen you around before.”

She wasn’t sure what he was doing, but it sure was a stupid attempt to make her feel not miserable. Just a reminder that he was the only one who thought she was pretty.

Veneer didn’t seem to care, smiling up at her with his statement green lipstick. He takes her hand from her crossed arms, and tenderly kisses the back of it.

“You’re so beautiful, I’m almost nervous to ask,” he starts, still playing pretend, “but would you do me the honor of a dance?”

“Fine,” she huffs.

She lets him lead her to the dance floor, then lead in the dance, their fingers intertwined. She could already hear the rumors: those loser twins, dancing with each other because no one else would ask them.

Veneer keeps smiling, and she smiles back, but it was fake. She kept it to herself that they had ended up next to her crush, dancing with her new girlfriend.

Her name was Juliet, just like Romeo and Juliet. Velvet wished she could talk to her through her window, and stare at her through the fish tank, and kiss her passionately in her pool. But that was all a lost fantasy.

She hadn’t bothered learning the girlfriend’s name. Velvet didn’t know anything about her, other than she hated her almost as much as she hated herself.

She tries to focus on her brother, but it was impossible with all the happy couples surrounding them. Deep down, she knew Veneer was feeling the same way, and he was trying to distract himself as well as her.

Just as Velvet thought it couldn’t get worse, the song ends. She freezes in her spot, and watches through watery eyes as that atrocious beautiful disgusting gorgeous bitch takes Juliet into her arms, and kisses her lips.

One wasn’t enough. Juliet kisses her back, then again, and again, like they were the only two people in the world. But they weren’t, Velvet was right there.

She felt everything and nothing. She must have been crying, though, when she hears her brother’s voice, back to normal.

“Velvet, what’s wrong- oh…”

He trails off when he figures out the answer, turning his head to where she was looking.

She could finally feel the hot tears running down her face, witnessing a kiss between lovers. Velvet was nearly seventeen, and she had never experienced something like that, and at this point she didn’t think she ever would.

Everyone else was in love, and here Velvet was, watching the girl she loved kiss someone else. It broke her heart, but she couldn’t look away. Always a witness, never experiencing it. She would never experience it. Maybe she should just end her own misery-

“Let’s get out of here.”

Veneer takes her out of her spiral and the dance floor, practically dragging her out of the gym while she tried to control her tears. Being away from the couples didn’t help one bit; she still knew what was going on in there.

Hand in his, he takes her past the cafeteria, past the bathrooms where the cool kids were getting drunk, past the courtyard with even more couples talking. He doesn’t say anything, just guides her to the back door to the parking lot.

“What are you doing?” Velvet finally asks him.

“We’re gonna dance. Just us,” he answers, looking around before he opened the door. It was safe, of course, not even the teachers bothered to look at them.

The parking lot was dark and quiet, the opposite of the gym. Veneer seemed determined to make this their own dance floor, though, taking out his phone and looking for a song.

“I don’t want to dance anymore,” Velvet complains. “I don’t want to dance ever again.”

“That’s too bad,” Veneer refutes. “Just one dance, then I’ll drive us home. Please?”

“Okay.”

Fine, she’d dance if it meant she could go home. Being outside was a little better than being surrounded by couples, but she still felt miserable. She couldn’t even see the stars, they were covered by clouds.

Seeing Veneer’s car gave her an ounce of relief. Even when they got home, though, she’d still have to be embarrassed.

For the past few weeks, she had moved into her brother’s room. She had made plenty of excuses, like her room was too cold, he was scared of the dark, his room was closer to the bathroom. But they both know it was so he could keep an eye on her. She might’ve done something stupid by now if he hadn’t been there at night to calm her down.

Just one dance. Hopefully less than three minutes, depending on what song he picked. Just one dance, then she could go home.

The music was much quieter than the music in the gym, but Velvet recognized it immediately. One of their favorite songs: Love Like You by Rebecca Sugar.

She rests her hands on his shoulders, swaying with him in their own slow dance. When she looks up at the sky, it kisses her with a single drop of rain.

Of course it had to rain. Just another thing to make her miserable.

“It’s raining,” Velvet points out, even more drops falling onto her.

“That’s okay.”

Despite the rain, Veneer keeps leading her in the dance, and she had no choice but to go along. It his suit and tie, he looked happy, but the sadness was there in his eyes. It hadn’t left since… She couldn’t remember.

At the bridge, something changed.

The music soared over the falling rain, while her brother spun her all around the parking lot. By the bridge, it was pouring rain, and Velvet and Veneer were the only people in the world. He catches her in a dip, and she realized the stars weren’t in the sky, because they were in his eyes.

For a moment, maybe only having her brother wasn’t so bad. Maybe she’d survive until they graduated, and then they could move to the big city and leave all this behind.

He smiles, and she smiles back, and it was real. The rain was messing up her hair, but for the first time in her life she didn’t care. It wasn’t like anyone was watching her.

At the next crescendo, Veneer lifts her off the ground and spins her around. It felt like flying.

Up in the air, Velvet wasn’t sure if the water on her face was rain or tears. That wasn’t her problem. She just spreads her arms like wings, letting the rain ruin the outfit she had worked so hard on.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had really laughed. But she laughs now, laughs and laughs in the face of the crying sky. She was crying, too, but it was a good cry for once.

When Veneer puts her down, she saw he was laughing and crying just the same as her. As much as she wanted to finish the dance, she couldn’t stop herself from throwing her arms around him, hugging him tight in their rain soaked outfits.

They stay hugging until the song ends, then some after that, until their laughs and sobs overpowered the rain. Maybe… No. They would get out of here. They would make it.

“I love you so much,” she sobs, or laughs, they sounded the same at this point.

“I love you too!” He squeezes her tighter, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “I love you more than anything!”

“I’m cold as fuck,” she changes the subject, finally noticing how freezing the rain was in her short thin-strap dress.

“Oh! Here you go,” Veneer offers.

He takes off his coat, then puts it over her like the gentleman he was. If more people were like her brother, maybe Velvet wouldn’t feel so depressed. At least she had her brother, and that was the best thing she could ask for.

“You still wanna go home?” He asks.

Right, their dance was over. She was actually sad it was, but she definitely didn’t want to go back in that building.

“Yeah, I think so.” She takes his hand, leading him to the car.

She takes out the keys from his coat. Before handing them to him, she takes a moment to admire a little picture of her and Veneer on some vacation, attached to a keychain. They couldn’t have been older than five, and the light was still in their eyes. Once the picture was obscured by raindrops and tears, she hands him the keys, then gets in the passenger seat.

Just as Veneer reaches to start the car, she stops him. She puts a hand over his, and connects their fingers, taking their hands to the armrest. He doesn’t comment, just sits there in silence with her.

She mostly looked down at the ground these days. But something compelled her to look up, through the moonroof, towards the sky. It was completely dark except for the lights illuminating the parking lot. The rain poured onto the moonroof, and if she tried, she could make out shapes in the drops. One figuration of raindrops made two stars, side by side.

Her ears rang, lingering from the loud music in the gym. She didn’t want to think about that place, so she takes her focus back to the rain. It was its own kind of music, pattering against the metal of the car. If love had a sound, this was it.

Her gold lipstick tasted bad, metallic. Velvet didn’t know why she even put it on, no one had any interest in her lips. But if she focused enough, she could still taste the chocolate chip cookie her brother forced her to take in the cafeteria. She barely felt hungry anymore, but right now, all she wanted was another one. And, for the first time in all her teenage years, she remembered how much she loved chocolate.

She had tried a new perfume, and in this moment, it was her new favorite. It was lemony with a hint of sweetness, and now she wanted to wear it every day until it ran out, and then she’d buy a new one. It mixed with her brother’s cologne on his coat, vanilla and some kind of citrus. She wished she could mix them together, but figured that would waste the nice bottles they came in.

Being touch starved was rough for a girl like Velvet, who craved physical affection more than anything. Veneer always made sure to hug her and hold her hand when she needed it, but usually something was missing.

Not tonight.

His hand, slippery from the rain, was still warm in hers. Her rings pressed against his fingers, and she looked forward to taking them off so they could hold hands again. If she really felt for it, she could feel his pulse.

While it was her main focus, his hand wasn’t the only thing she could feel. Her strapless bra dug into her sides. Veneer’s jacket fit her perfectly, keeping her warm after the cold rain. Her gold heels were uncomfortable as hell. She could feel her own pulse, still beating, even after everything.

She looks over to the reason it still was.

“Vels?”

“Hm?” She meets his eyes with a soft smile.

“You okay to go? I want to beat the traffic.”

“Yeah. Let’s go home.”

Veneer starts the car and drives them out of the parking lot. Once they were on the road, he switches to driving with one hand, and uses his other to hold Velvet’s. She squeezes, and he squeezes back.

He had turned on the radio, the volume just loud enough for Velvet to hear it mixed with the rain. She didn’t know the song, but she liked the singer’s voice. At a stoplight, she kicks off her uncomfortable shoes.

She stares out the window as they drive past the suburbs she hated so much. Through the rain, she could almost see it: them driving through the city, past all the bright lights, away from all of this nothingness.

Less than two years, then they’d be out of here. After tonight, they were one day closer.

//

Veneer pulls up to the driveway, greeted by the average sized middle class house he couldn’t wait to move out of. His hand was still in his sister’s.

He was about to talk, but stops himself when he notices Velvet fast asleep in the passenger seat. With a sigh of relief, he turns off the car.

As quietly as possible, Veneer walks around to the other side. He picks her up out of the seat, making sure her head rested on his shoulder. Her bag and shoes were still in the car, but they could deal with that tomorrow.

Trying his best to shield her from the rain, he carries his sleeping sister through the front door. Only one light was on, meaning their parents were asleep. Thank goodness, he didn’t feel like explaining why they were home early and soaking wet.

He carries her up the stairs to his room, then gently lays her on her side of his bed. Too tired for anything else, he changes into the nearest sweatpants and t-shirt, then lazily wipes off his makeup. He wasn’t sure why he put so much effort into his appearance for the dance, maybe some fantasy that a cute guy would approach him.

But that’s all it was. A fantasy.

Once he was done getting ready, he figured he should at least take Velvet’s makeup off and get her a dry jacket. Careful not to wake her, he trades out his coat for a zip up hoodie that had been lying on the floor. He takes off her jewelry as well, making sure they were laid out nicely on his bedside table.

He then gets out a makeup wipe, and tries to remove as much as he could while sitting beside her. She had put on quite a bit, and she looked beautiful as ever. With or without makeup, he loved looking at her, especially her smile. He saw less and less of it lately.

Despite what he thought was a delicate touch, her eyes start to flutter open.

“Hi, sleepyhead,” he whispers, taking off the last of her blush.

“Hey…” She groans, sounding just as sleepy as she looked.

She swats his hand away, then changes her mind, and holds it instead. It seemed like she was about to fall asleep again, when she suddenly sits up, her eyes wide.

“I am not sleeping in this bra,” she declares.

“Good idea,” he agrees, though he was glad he couldn’t relate.

“I know you’re gay and my brother, but,” she finishes her sentence by standing up and throwing a blanket over him, sending him into darkness. “And I’m stealing your pajamas!”

That was fine by him. He stole her clothes plenty, though it wasn’t as fun now that she didn’t get mad. Still, it was one of his ways to be closer to her.

After a minute, she pulls the blanket off of him. She had changed into a set of hot pink satin pajamas—they fit her perfectly. They were one of his favorites, but he would gladly lend them to her whenever if it would make her happy.

She sits down next to him on the edge of the bed. Without a word, she wraps her arms around him in a tight hug. Her head fit perfectly in his shoulder, like he was made to hold her.

“I’m proud of us,” Veneer whispers into the hug.

“Why? We’re total losers,” Velvet disagrees, squeezing him tighter.

“But we’re gonna make it. In two years, we’ll be done, and we won’t be losers anymore,” he reminds her.

He had managed to do the complete opposite of his goal, when he hears Velvet sniffle. He understood, though—it had been a rough night for her. For them both. She needed this.

“I’m right here, I gotcha,” he comforts, gently rubbing her back.

“I know,” she lets out a quiet sob. “I know.”

He holds her through the tears, just as he had countless times.

//

A million thoughts raced through Velvet’s head, sadness flooding back the more she thought about everyone and everything. At least she had a shoulder to cry on, the one person who was there for her.

She had cried plenty that night, but of course her stupid brain had to make her cry again. If only she could be anyone else. But then she wouldn’t have her brother, and she decided that was even worse.

She knew what to do: in hope of blocking out the thoughts, she takes her focus to the rain. It tapped against the window, reminding her that it was okay, even if it was raining.

Velvet focuses on Veneer’s hand on her back: up, down, up, down. She breathes with it, in on the up, out on the down. Veneer breathes with her, until the tears were done.

“I love you,” he tells her, brushing off the last of her tears. “I love you, just the way you are.”

“That’s,” she takes a deep breath, then snickers, “That’s so cheesy.”

“I mean it!” He laughs with her, and flicks her on the arm.

“Yeah, yeah,” she accepts with a playful eye roll. “I love you too.”

“Can I tuck you in?”

She nods, and makes herself comfortable in his sheets. Veneer stands on her side, bringing the blankets up to her shoulders. Once she was tucked in, he leans down and presses a soft kiss to her forehead.

He smiles at her, and she smiles back. Before he moved, she takes his face in her hands, and kisses his forehead next. She already knew it was his favorite.

Veneer lays down beside her, and she quickly wraps her arms around his shoulders. He hugs her close, just as he had the past few nights. Something felt different about this time, though. It was less like she needed him, and more like she wanted him to hold her.

She tried not to think about the after parties she wasn’t invited to, or Juliet spending the night with her girlfriend that should’ve been Velvet. Instead, she was right where she needed to be: in the warm embrace of the person who loved her more than anything.

Her head rested next to his heart, the gentle pulse starting to put her to sleep. She feels a kiss on the top of her head, so she gives him one last squeeze in the hug. She didn’t need to say anything else; her touch was her language.

It couldn’t possibly get worse, so it had to get better, right? Something had to change, they just had to get out of this awful place.

For now, it was raining, and that was okay. The rain would stop eventually.

.

[mareenavee]

It's WIP Whenever Time Again!

Hi. So Wednesday arrived ridiculously fast, didn't it?

I've been tagged for this by the amazing @saltymaplesyrup, @oblivions-dawn and @thequeenofthewinter! Thanks for reminding me what day it was, I was completely unaware LOL

Tagging the fantastic @paraparadigm, @thana-topsy, @changelingsandothernonsense, @snippetsrus, @wildhexe, @elfinismsarts, @nuwanders, @miraakulous-cloud-district, @throughtrialbyfire, @expended-sleeper, @kookaburra1701, @archangelsunited, @dirty-bosmer, @viss-and-pinegar, @ladytanithia, @polypolymorph, @gilgamish, @tallmatcha, @rainpebble3, @late-nite-scholar, @greyborn2 and YOU -- yes, I know I haven't caught all of you in my tags, but I do wanna hear from you, so feel free to tag me back!

I have been BUSY lately with tons of prompts and some ask answers in prose and so I have a smattering of WIP fragments from different projects. SOME are gonna be sequel and/or spoiler territory for World. I'll mark them! Below the cut! THERE IS A LOT. 845 words or so, total.

1) In the Woods Somewhere - a ghost story told about an alternate version of Valenwood where the Wild Hunt went horribly wrong. 145 words.

They tower over all around them, monsters ever shifting from creature to terror and back again, mindless in their fury. All antler, exposed bone, sharp fangs and strips of rotting flesh held together with vines and thorns. If the pallid light of the bioluminescent fungi hits their talons just right, it might look like ebony daggers. But these? They are far sharper, designed to rend flesh from bone—to leave you as nothing but fertilizer for the soil in which new, gnarled trees might grow. There is no care—only malice, forms twisted by violence and starvation. In the darkness, all you can see is the red of their eyes which never leave you as you wander. They stalk through the night as if all living things are prey—as if all that remain in their realm have been deemed the enemy.

And they do not hunt alone.

2) By The Break of Dawn - A collab with @thequeenofthewinter and, for the art side of things, @thana-topsy (: Spooky, Doomed World sort of chaos. 182 words.

[Lydia] struck in the opening Uldwin had given her. She threw all of her fury behind the one movement she’d have time for. That which gave her the strength to drive her sword through his spine was not Aedric in origin, but she would take it, if it meant ending Uldwin’s suffering. She could almost hear Meridia cackle as the holy fire erupted from Dawnbreaker, enveloping his corpse. The stench of dry, burning flesh seared her nostrils and made her eyes water worse. Tears trailed through the ashes and dirt on her face as that which once had been Uldwin collapsed onto the floor at her feet. She withdrew Dawnbreaker with a sickening crunch which turned her stomach. The icy light where his eyes should have been blinked out. It was just as it had always been when fighting draugr.

Uldwin had been more than a draugr, though. He was her brother, in all ways that mattered. Neloth had taken him from her, and now it was time to pay for his crimes. Lydia would not let him escape her ire again.

3) And I'd Like To Say You're Never on My Mind - a fragment in Athis's POV, and is a SPOILER for World. 135 words.

“But you’d already made your choice long before.”

Amazing how easy it was to weaponize words. These, too, cut him as he spoke. He watched as she struggled and failed to hold back more tears. She could have just said instead of leaving him alone in what had once been their home to pace nervously, imagining the million ways she could’ve died. He felt hollow, but resisted once again the urge to wrap her in his arms. She didn’t need another chance. He’d given too many, and lost too much of himself in the process. 

Nyenna did, at least, have the courtesy to nod. She swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry, Athis. I didn’t mean—”

“—you did. You did mean it. Because you always had a choice. And each time you chose anyone else but me.”

4) Untitled Sequel - Teldryn's POV observing his daughter, Eris Sero, after being away from her for three years. Spoilers for World and the Sequel itself. 183 words.

“Ata!” she said with her usual bright smile. Her voice was slightly deeper than the last time he’d seen her, with more of a Winterhold brogue than he’d ever get used to. She regarded him briefly with her one good eye, its vermilion color brought out by the wine red of her mage's robes, then turned her dark eye to him. The grin faltered for a second, and then she reasserted it, shaking her head as if to dislodge a thought. Unnerving, whenever that happened. She dropped her bag there by the railing and rushed to him.

“Hla’sil,” he sighed, and enveloped her in his arms. She’d braided back her white hair, but, just like her mother’s, curls always escaped. He flattened out the shock of black strands that tended to fall into her face and kissed the top of her head. She’d only just turned twenty eight. What was that in human years? Gods, but time didn’t make any sense and passed like the flowing of a river. Ninteen, or there about. Too young for this kind of chaos. She’d always been.

5) Untitled Sequel - Eris's POV on another character, Nammu, technically not an OC. (: Spoilers, major spoilers, for this sequel. 200 words.

The Vision this time didn’t really match the ascetic monk sitting cross-legged before her now, but that didn’t matter much. She knew there was something other about him, even though he pretended to be just another Ashlander wanderer. He had magic, though, and, as Alma would say, the more of that, the better. Ata, she knew, would wholeheartedly disagree. In fact, her mere suggestion of Nammu meeting Ata back at the inn in New Balmora would likely cause problems. She just had a feeling about it, coming from the same place as the memories earlier. Weird.

Nammu stretched as he stood, leaning on a plain wooden staff. Unenchanted. Uncle Neloth would have tutted, calling it a wasted resource, but he was not here now. Nothing on Nammu was actually enchanted at all, come to think of it. Not the plain brown cloak, or the simple linen clothes, nor the dust covered boots. Not even the two lacquered wooden amulets he wore around his neck, one each with the Daedric symbols Ayem and Seht burned into them respectively. Maybe he meant to enchant them eventually. They looked more like mementos, to be perfectly honest, but she was not about to pry.

[bluecatwriter]

⭐️ for the director’s cut game!

Since you wrote one of my favorite Jack/Arthur fics ever, I give you my very first Jack/Arthur fic: "Words and Voice Fail Me"! "When Jack Seward has a breakdown trying to record on his phonograph on October 11th, Arthur comes to comfort him."

(CW for discussion of period-typical homophobia) 

-This was *checks notes* my third fanfiction I ever posted, and reading back over it, I can really tell— not so much by the overall writing, which has stayed pretty similar over the past two years, but by the way I handle the details, especially logistical details of who's doing what when. I just wasn't used to writing with such precision, and as a result a lot of the writing comes off as a little awkward. Would definitely streamline if I were to rewrite it now.

-This starts out with Jack's canon narration from the book, interspersed with description. This is one of my favorite ways to write because it feels very much like directing a play— the lines are there, but I'm "directing" (writing) the stage directions, as it were, to show how the character is saying the lines.

-I liked the idea of Jack breaking down here as sort of the culmination of all the past trauma that he hasn't been able to process yet, thinking of the way that Mina's "funeral" reminded him of Lucy's death and everything around it. 

-Like most of my fics, I just started with the premise and let the character voices lead me. (It's very similar to playing an improv scene, just with me playing both characters rather than bouncing ideas off another person.) I originally intended for it to be a pretty straightforward emotional hurt/comfort, but as I kept writing and the scene kept unfolding, I realized that Jack was going to lose it and ask Arthur to kiss him— and when that happened, it opened up a whole different plot than I was expecting.

-I am still pretty happy with the line, ""Well," he said, straightening his cuffs just for something to do with his hands, "I suppose I shall—" He wanted to follow the phrase with an excuse, but his mind blanked out on anything he had ever done in his life. "—go."" This is a good example of me 1000% projecting my nervous habits onto Jack. 

-This was the first time I realized that characters could have erotic tie-pulling and talk about emotionally-charged subjects while their lips barely brushed. It was the beginning of an Era for me. ;)

-There's some kinda interesting gender stuff here, with Jack escaping into a fantasy about him being a woman so that his feelings for the men in his life would be "natural." I feel like there's more I could've explored there, but the fic was long enough as it was.

-In this fic, I very intentionally wrote Arthur as demisexual, and have projected it onto him ever since. 

-Jack has curly hair in this fic! This was before I realized that I'd given all three suitors curly hair, and decided one had to go. The casualty was Jack, so nowadays I describe his hair as "fine."

-I'm a sucker for "one character says 'I love you' and the other returns it but they're not sure they mean the same thing" trope, and I use it here. (This may be the only time I've written Jack saying "I love you" to Arthur— in my more recent fics, I often have Jack express his sentiment in different ways, rather than just saying the words.) 

-It was fun to write a little scene with Jack pouring his heart out about all his crushes, and Arthur very logically analyzing them to explain why they make sense (except for Van Helsing— he just can't grasp that one). It was also a good excuse to throw in the phrase "virile manhood."

-Originally I wasn't gonna have them kiss again, but then the dialogue just made sense for Jack to beg for another kiss, and… well. There they go!

-"You can trust me, I'm a lord" is probably the best line-before-a-fade-to-black I've ever written. ;)

-Of course there's some angsty aftermath in this one, since Jack is still struggling with a lot of self-loathing. I feel like some of the writing here is a bit rough, but I'm still happy with the overall emotions that come across.

-I originally had this end on a pretty melancholy note, but reworked it to make it more hopeful that, regardless of whether or not they sleep together in the future, their friendship is still solid.

Thanks again for sending the ask! :D

(Ask game here)

[malcontentmathador]

Idk if I am reading too much into it but I love how weird Agni and Vayu look, even compared to other Atma avatars. Varna, Prithivi, Dyaus look fairly close to human with extra teeth, Indra just looks cool, but I feel like Agni is fairly monstrous, and Vayu is just bizarre.

For Agni, I think what gives me that vibe is the weird hunched up posture and the double-head action. The former in particular really gives the vibe of a prowling predator, and his physical move animations have him jumping around very suddenly like he's pouncing on prey. @goatwithaplan also mentioned in a post that the 2 mouths are probably representative of how willing he is to abide by the new laws of the Junkyard; my guy needs two mouths cause he do be eating a lot. It's really cool; I think "this guy is kind of violent and means trouble" is clearly communicated through Agni's design

The clearest inhuman thing about Vayu is the insect-like elements of its design, like the elytra. The Atma avatars that are clearly animal inspired draw primarily from mammals, since we have an easier time projecting humanity onto them; Cerberus and Hayagriva, for instance. Insects, by contrast, are harder to project onto; we're used to thinking of eusocial insects which have little or no individuality to speak of. It fits well for early DDS1 Gale, who is preoccupied solely with the Embryon's success and relatively little for his comrades ("Bat would make a better ally than Cielo"). This is totally vibes based, but Vayu always makes me think of a praying mantis.

Vayu's split head and idle animations also contribute to that alien vibe. The former is, again, clearly inhuman; all the other Atma avatars have recognisable head shapes and mouths. And unlike the subdued idle animations of other demons, he does that very noticeable side-to-side jerking motion over and over again, like he can't quite find his balance, or as if his body was constantly jolted by an electric current. It's weird!!

Those things play in the general autistic pattern I've mentioned in the past for Gale. Autistic people often relate with robot characters because they struggle with social cues and emotion, and because they are othered and isolated from their peers due to their nature. Those aspects of Gale's character translate into his Atma being bizarre, inhuman, and othered even when compared to the rest of the monstrous cast

(also the side to side swaying reminds me of physical tics)

I have fewer opinions on villain atma avatars. Rahu is very weird, but Mick is not really much of a character, so I don't want to read too much into it. Ravana is also very weird, in much the same "clearly alien" way that Vayu is, but I'm not totally sure what it's meant to convey about Beck. Opinions welcome :)

[they-them-that]

(spoilers for Zero Calcare's "The World Can't Tear Me Down")

I just finished binging "The World Can't Tear Me Down" on Netflix. It's a heavy watch that tackles white supremacy and xenophobia but it was well done imo and a great follow up to "Tear Along The Dotted Line". A lot of adult comedies can be flimsy (and outright problematic) about how it represents social issues and I was worried this series would toe that line but it was able to represent how people get coaxed into supporting the wrong side without excusing them either. It isn't black and white although I do think it's still important to hold individuals' responsible for the way they hurt others.

Cesare and Sara are Italian born citizens who despite being disenfranchised in their own ways, do end up threatening stability for the refugees which is an abuse of their privilege. Although I can understand that Sara's plight is both due to her own struggles and being misled to believe the school shut down is due to the refugee shelter, I couldn't really sympathize when her motivations felt ultimately selfish and at the expense of the refugees' safety. At the same time, I can understand how Zero was conflicted as a cishet white male who's also a famous cartoonist. Zero obliviously tells Sara they're "still young" and Sara had to point out that a woman nearing her 40's is seen as socially useless, something Zero failed to consider when a man in his late 30's isn't looked down on in the same way (and he's someone who's already gained a stable job where he doesn't have to job hunt at his age unlike Sara). Zero was also confronted with his own privilege that challenged his right to judge others with Cesare who was victim to the social stigma and government neglect against addicts and impoverished people. All of this while Zero is conflicted on whether or not he should speak about the xenophobia on TV because of the way it could affect his career. The fact he was considering being quiet himself but lectured Sara and Cesare for their complacency/participation in the issue was a deliberate point of hypocrisy and we'll never know what Zero would've done in the end.

Zero spends the series reckoning with the complexities of moral righteousness that isn't as simple as doing the right thing when there are complicated circumstances behind making poor decisions that aren't just pure bigotry (but still deserves to be called out). At the same time, we get Selco who also grew up disenfranchised but still understood what side he's meant to support. He calls out Zero for essentially turning a social issue into a personal plight of virtue when what really mattered was standing up against Nazis. We end up seeing Sara own up to her mistake and join the protestors (although she condemns the violence in a way that treats it like both sides are equally at fault when it isn't) and Cesare also opens up about what really mattered to him, turning his back on the Nazis (but not exactly looking out for the refugees).

Among our main cast, there isn't actually a role model for us to project onto as the ideal moral pillar, something that the series purposely deconstructs for us with Sara's character. It reminds us that we're all people and we're not always going to make the right decisions nor the people we care about will either. We just have to keep doing our best and help those near us to stay on the right path. We have to grapple with our own privileges, complacency, and hypocrisy to be activists. We have to understand the humanness that comes from veering off that path in order to help those who do and to be able to diagnose the problem. That it's not just an individual decision but a systemic problem.

The only big complaint I have is that the refugees felt like a backdrop to the story of Zero's philosophizing despite the creator criticizing himself for doing the same thing, which may be the humanness I brought up earlier. Understandably, Zero didn't get to interact with any of the refugees until the end of the series and he clearly empathizes with what they go through but having the one refugee wax poetic to shed perspective on our White Italian male protagonist wasn't as moving as maybe it was meant to be.

[idyllic-affections]

angel kisses.

summary. kaveh is always there to kiss away his sibling's pain. trigger & content warnings. brief (unintentional) s/h mentions. tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. hurt/comfort. kaveh & younger sibling!reader. 0.5k words. they/them pronouns for reader. author's thoughts. tbh no thoughts, head empty, only the silly architect. he has infected my brain. he lives in my head rent free! anyways dont worry you guys, this isnt the worst kaveh & sibling!reader angst i have, there are worse things coming teehee 💕💕💕 reader has gifted kid burnout syndrome in this (no they dont. its undiagnosed adhd /hj) because I Am Projecting.

       Kaveh hated seeing his sibling cry more than anything in all of Teyvat.

       He hated the way their lip would begin tremble and their voice would begin to waver when something didn't go the way they had hoped it would. Whether it be a project falling through, or having a thesis rejected, or getting into a debate with their seniors that they couldn't win simply because some of those researchers were too stubborn to admit to a junior that they were wrong...

       He hated the way the Sumeran culture handled the children that seemed to be smarter than the others, plastering silly labels onto them that only served to differentiate them from their peers and set them up for a life of impossible expectations and psychological struggle. Such as was the case with his sibling. Kaveh had seen the effects of labelling first hand one too many times, and seeing his sibling in the state they were in was but a painful reminder that such titles only cause harm. It was why he advocated so passionately against them.

       He hated the way they would whimper, breath stuttering and shallow as they tried to suppress their tears. The aggression with which they rubbed their eyes only made their face puffy and somewhat sore. It could sometimes get so bad that little scratches would line their cheeks; Archons, he loathed the sight of their skin being cut up like that. He hated that he had to guide their hands away, kissing their fingertips with such tenderness, as if to remind them that they should not be using their hands in a way that would only hurt them more. Their hands were not meant for harming, especially not for harming themselves. Their hands were made for greater things—creating, writing, being held—anything but harming.

       He hated the way their soft cries always ended up breaking down into sobs when they were alone with him, how they would weep into his shoulder as his hands stroked up and down their back soothingly.

       They were so pretty when they weren't crying, he thought. He much preferred seeing them smile, even if it was at his own expense. He supposed he could stand to lose a petty debate with his annoying roommate if it were to make them giggle. Kaveh loved seeing them happy; they were just so stunning when they were, outshining even his most remarkable achievments.

       In a way, though, he knew very well that this side of them was equally beautiful in its own right.

       Voluntary vulnerability was such a wonderful thing. It was as if they were placing their fragile heart in his hands to protect and care for in their toughest moments. He always had and he always would. Trust like that... even the gods above would envy how fully they trusted Kaveh in their most emotional times.

       He'd drop anything to kiss away their pain; he cherished his clients, but he cherished his sibling much more. Their health, physical or mental, came before all else.

       "I love you," they murmured softly, tiredly, eyelids fluttering shut as they leaned further into his embrace.

       The gentle kisses he left on their eyelids were enough to indicate that the sentiment was very much mutual.

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot! angel kisses are kisses placed on the closed eyelids of another. they communicate a deep sense of fondness and protectiveness over the recipient.

[apollos-olives]

Hi, I appreciate your effort on spreading the words about Palestine on this website that's been suppressing Palestine content so much these days. I've been posting about Palestine and got shadowbanned on my other account. I just want to say something.

Regarding the last ask about white queers, I as an Asian (Vietnamese) queer can definitely tell that the queer liberals are very unproductive. I can tell from many people even my friends, who are staunchly against the West, lumping queerness with Western value (despite our culture is rich of drag queens and homosexuality has always been there) and therefore very queerphobic. Queer liberals cannot and must not stand with the oppressor bc the oppressed are homophobic, which yes so many times the homophobia from the oppressed comes from the oppressor. A lot of queer spaces being this reactionary makes me don't want to join a lot of queer spaces.

I also feel like the conversation around why people support Palestine has been very strange. People using various amounts of idealistic reasoning, but the number one reason that I and pretty much 80% of the world would agree on is that it's the fight of the oppressed against the oppressor, and 80% of the world had been in the place of the oppressed. I was lucky to not live in those times in history, but I was taught and told to never forget our oppressed history, of more than 127 years fighting the colonialists and imperialists. Our hospital was also bombed, our cities destroyed, villagers massacred. When I saw the Palestinian doctors said they will stay here for Palestine, it reminds me of my grandma who said the exact same about Vietnam. Palestinians arguably had it significantly worse than us Vietnamese during our war time with that total blockade, so I as a Vietnamese wants to share the struggle with them too.

Also Idk why an one-state Palestine solution is so hard to imagine to people. We Vietnamese also had been subjected to a two-state solution as well, and what happened after reunification is very simple. Most of the people just stayed and became citizens of the new united Vietnam, some fleed to other countries. If Palestine unification happens it would be similar imo. A lot of arguments against the one-state solution comes from just pure projection bc Israel afraid of what they're doing to Palestinians will be done to them

Anyway that's just my two cent about Palestine from a Vietnamese perspective. Free Palestine now and forever.

hi and yes i'm doing as much as i can to try to spread what's going on. i'm not typically afraid of getting shadowbanned right now, but i understand how much that hurts and affects other people who are also trying to spread awareness.

you're right about the way that queerness is often grouped up with the concept of the west and white majority countries. and that (white lib) queers would happily side with the oppressor out of the fear that they would be further oppressed by the other group that is being oppressed itself. this is just one of the many ways that propaganda twist the narrative and tries to split up minorities, and this entire belief of "us and them" is only going to hurt everyone in the end. we, as oppressed minorities, need to stand together against the oppressor, not be against each other.

i'm not gonna add much onto what you said about vietnam, since you already said pretty much everything, but it is saddening to see how so many people can relate to what's going on in palestine because of how much colonization has impacted their life and own culture and country. it genuinely is so unfortunate, and no one deserves to go through the horrors of colonization and being horrifically oppressed. i wouldn't wish that on even the zionists (and i fucking HATE those guys).

you're right about the one state solution thing. the only reason people fear it is because they are scared that the palestinians will do to them the same thing they did to us. it's a sad delusion.

thank you for speaking up though, free palestine 🇵🇸

[bonesandthebees]

I care about Rose! In fact, we started watching house of dragon (only 2 episode so far though) and it constantly makes me think of Rose because you use it as inspiration. Like obviously there’s the coronation scene which reminds me of stars. And there’s the character Willum is sorta kinda inspired by. And it’s an entirely different world, but every time I’m drawn back to Rose wondering how things will play out. (Which is not pressure to finish writing it if you don’t want to. Writer’s block can be a bitch and I get that the motivation for this project has been sucked out, but I just want you to know that I still care, and I’m not the only one.)

Also, I’ve been meaning to start my Ready, Set, Detonate analysis but I keeps getting away from me. I’m not sure there will be much to analyse, but there’s definitely fun details I want to point out. Oh and I am Looking 👀 at the fit/pac tag and kicking my feet. I don’t actually know if they are already in a relationship (I’m sure we’ll find out, but I just loved Fit’s little “Pac’s here?” That man is gone. Oh and I’m so excited for this Tubbo and to read more Bagi and the lore. Just all of it.

Then the original writing is a mood. I keep getting like a few chapters into my story before deciding it’s not good enough or thinking of something else I could do and throwing it all out. It’s this constant loop that never seems to get anywhere even though the story gets more and more fleshed out in my head every time. I think it’s because the opportunities are endless. Like there’s no characters and personalities and dynamics to stick to like there is in fan fiction. It’s free game but that does mean you have to decide everything yourself.

Anyway, best original writing advice I can give is remember the drafting process. There’s going to be a shit ton of drafts, which feels different for you because you’ve been mostly writing stories and posting them as you go, which means some minor or major editing, but leaves you without a chance to do a once over. It’s a sort of pressure to get everything right the first time. Meanwhile, original writing is something you keep close to your chest. There’s different drafting stages ranging from the zero draft (aka excessive daydreaming about all the possibilities) to the final draft (where you just go through and kill all your darlings and pour over ever single word to find the right one).

I’m struggling a lot with the first draft, which is literally just getting words onto a page. It’s a somewhat coherent mess that just allows you to shape the story and its structure so you can work off of that and edit it later on. I don’t know if this actually helps, but yeah, the first draft sucks and then it mostly gets easier. Just write, is kinda shitty advice, but it’s mainly, just get words onto a page, you will get a million chances to fix it, you don’t need to be happy about what you wrote right now.

-🌲

ohhhh I'm so excited you've started watching hotd!! good timing since the second season is going to come out later this year :D I hope you enjoy!! and I'm so happy to hear you're still excited about rose. I definitely want to finish writing it, like I said it's just me worrying about if anyone will bother to read it but a lot of you have said you would so that helps assuage my worries a bit

feel free to send whatever random thoughts you have about ready set detonate you know idc if it's analysis or not I just love seeing peoples reactions!! fit and pac are not in a relationship (yet) in the fic but theres a lot of flirty pining going on lol

god yeah it's so much harder with original fiction because it feels like there's so much pressure. you have too much freedom to do whatever you want so you're constantly second guessing if it's good enough or not. and ofc I know rough drafts are supposed to be shitty but I've tried to hone my skills so that my first draft is always incredibly solid because I rarely have the patience to do heavy edits, but that's with fanfiction. it has to be different with original fiction I know but it's hard to make my brain okay with that. I keep feeling like it needs to be nearly perfect on the first run :( but yeah I'm mostly trying to get words on a page. but then I think back and realize I forgot to mention this or I need to mention more of that etc etc and it's just stressful arghhh

[braintapes]

The Hotel Podcast Season 3 Analysis: Part III - The Owner

Hey. It's been a while. I was going to open this with a cheeky joke, some kind of 'bet you thought I forgot about this thing haha!' type line. But I think I wanna just get straight into it..

When I write these analysis posts, whether it's for The Hotel or anything else, it's a personal thing. I write about the stories and art that I love in an attempt to understand and make meaning of them for me. And I share them largely because if I don't, those thoughts plus all the time and effort it took to organize them into words and sentences would be forgotten and left to rot fifteen minutes after exiting the word doc.

When I started this whole S3 series of posts, I wasn't expecting any response. I expected the people who followed me to glance at it, scroll past it, and life would carry on. It's easier that way, to write and share without watching eyes. Watching eyes means potential to fail, somehow. Potential to get it all horribly wrong in front of other people. That's the main reason why this took so long to come back to.

Other lesser reasons include inconveniences like my enter key breaking completely. That left the prospect of ANY long-form writing headache-inducing (though I've since adjusted to my workarounds). I kept forgetting and remembering this entire project. Etc etc, I won't drag this out.

I am finally, FINALLY ready to sit down to write this all out again. I love season 3 of The Hotel. It means a lot to me in a very personal way because it was the season that made the entire series click for me. So if I get everything wrong, or some things wrong, or fail or come up short, well. That's fine. I can fail other people, but I can't fail myself on this one.

In Part I of this series, we covered the Manager's arc stretching from 3.1 - 3.4. Part II covered the Lobby Boy from 3.5 to 3.7. Now the only Staff left is the Owner.

The Owner is a character I struggle to connect with, I have to be honest. I enjoy him greatly as a character and Graham's performance elevates and gives the Owner such a unique and entertaining presence. But as a person, the Owner reminds me of the people in my life I've been scared of, the kind of people I want to run away from very quickly. It can be hard for me to get past that bubble of anxiety that comes up briefly when I think of him.

Having mulled it over, though, I realized there are things I share with the Owner that I can relate to and understand about him. The perfectionism that stalled this project for 7 months is a voice that says, "It won't be up to standard, it needs to be better, it needs to be right." It plays constantly on loop. Why? If it's good enough it will matter, if it's perfect as can be it will carry significance. The significance, the voice insists, justifies the work's existence.

The Owner's plight through much of The Hotel is, similarly, to justify his own existence. It's a constant tension core to his character which expresses itself by largely by being projected onto everyone else (the way he hounds the lobby boy, attempts to nitpick the manager in s1). At the end of the day, though, all of that bluster is only to prop himself up and assure himself that he is, in fact, definitely doing something that matters, that his place is real and valid. That he's not insignificant.

In this season, the Owner is technically introduced in the very beginning, right alongside the Manager. His echoing yells can be heard as the Manager treks through the dark forest towards the mountain to the place where the Hotel will be. The Owner is already dying, though. He wasn't really there alongside her. We hear his shouts sporadically across the season, but we don't get much more of him until 3.8 A V O I D. Since I've been doing this analysis on an episode-by-episode basis, that's where I want to start.

We open, nearing the metaphorical mountaintop, with the Lobby Boy's death on the third floor. The Owner is thrilled. We get one of my favorite exchanges in the whole series as per the episode transcript:

LOBBY BOY (CONT'D): I panic. I'm scared! I'm so scared! Why did my Manager let this happen to me? Why is the Hotel doing this to me? What's that moving against the light??...What will it do to me?....What CAN it do to me? The worst it can do is kill me. Again. And Again. Forever. WHY CAN'T I DIE? (echo) [power that be noises] LOBBY BOY (CONT'D): No no no no no no no no no no please please no no please no no please please please no no no please Wet, ripping thuds and rending flesh tears. The Lobby Boy's music stops. WINGS FLAP. The Owner's music begins. THE OWNER: Thank you. Dispatching that creature has been long over due. [Angry powers that be noises]

Between the Lobby Boy's dialogue, the Hotel Herself coming in with the BEST comedic timing to give an answer in the form of very squelchy pulpy painful death, the Owner being a hater completely unprompted, and the Hotel Herself immediately turning and getting on the Owner for that it's all. Just... Excellent. Very funny sequence I love it dearly.

But...Wait, what was that?

Dispatching that creature has been long over due.

Hmm. Of course, he could just be referring only to the Lobby Boy's run around the guest floor with his whole burning and dying and burning and dying thing. He clarifies as much in his next lines as he backpedals in the face of the Hotel's implied scolding. Then we get this:

The Manager and I are more than capable of running The Hotel and checking in guests. Once we begin checking them in. Once we...I can't...have we been open long? I remember...distantly I remember so much but...Have we had any guests?

Season 3 is both the beginning and the end. Memory is murky here, liminal and prone to bleeding through yet quickly dissipates to haze. He has prior knowledge of both the Lobby and the Manager here, that's what he bases his judgments of them from – the same judgments he's made of them before (per his S1 episodes, for one example). Yet while there's certain things he knows he knows, the memories attached to that knowledge are muddled. Without them, he is new. A fresh baby bird hatchling The Owner. He isn't even aware that the Manager died a little while ago.

The Hotel gives him the recap on what's happened to the Manager and what's been going on, to the Owner's befuddlement. Her voice turns from the gurgling noises into words the audience can make sense of. I don't have anything to say about this from an in-universe perspective, I assume this is just to make the conversation more interesting to listen to and bring the Hotel Herself into the picture more fully?

In any case, the Owner is already very picky about how things should be. Even if he did remember everything, this would still be a highly unusual situation – no guests, just the Staff. Dying like the guests. This is so far beyond the Owner's (currently vague) understanding of routine that he struggles to get his bearings.

As she talks to him, it feels like the Hotel is playing with him like a toy. You could say that's what she's doing to everyone, Staff and guests and all, but in this specific conversation it feels especially like she's teasing him, prodding and poking lightly enough because she enjoys it. Good for her!

Do you remember how to die? The gibbering creature approaches. I'LL REMIND YOU. The front desk bell TOLLS and the Owner screams.

The vocal effects here make the Hotel sound intimidating and scary, imposing and powerful. And she is! But this feels playful to me.

And it feels natural, logical, in that strange logic of death the Hotel operates in. We've seen the point hammered home every episode so far: Everything in the Hotel dies. Including the Staff. Death is the inevitable. The anticipation of it, the attempt to defy it, marked the Manager's story. The fear of it and attempt to run away from it equally defined the Lobby Boy's story. Anticipation, knowing that the end is coming. Fear, of what that means, the need to avoid pain, avoid facing that awful certainty. Now, here at the Owner's arc, we arrive at understanding. Making sense of it all.

He starts confused, faced with deaths he cannot wrap his head around. It's...I hesitate to say personal, but it is much more personal than the way he conceptualizes the guest's deaths. The Manager's death shocks him. The Lobby Boy's hundred, thousand, billion deaths on the second floor baffle. Why did she die once, and him many times? Why did She kill the Manager? Are they not open for business? What does the Hotel intend, what does she want? What is the meaning of this? The purpose?

Questions abound. When anticipation and fear have been bashed and battered to bloody chunks, another way to deal with death is to try and understand it. It can be easier to cope and make peace with, I think, by trying to make it fit it into an overall grand scheme of existence. That is what the Owner's arc this season embodies, to me.

...But his domain is – and has always been – a void. Endless nothingness with the only sliver of somethingness being pointless paperwork and reservation cards. And anyway, we're on the third floor. We're near the top of the mountain. There's nowhere left to go but up, further into the darkness. There is only death ahead. And behind. And all around.

The Owner dies.

He's back in his office again for 3.9 Under Old Management.

This version of the Owner is absolutely one from S1. He envisions the third floor as a labyrinthine office full of office things like papers, filing cabinets, so on and so forth. He has the same mindset as he did then, his view of his role as like an actual job in an actual workplace setting, with standard workplace tedium and hierarchy. After being ended, he finds himself at the beginning again – his beginning within the Hotel.

Before I can get into the meat of the episode, I have something of a side tangent I want to discuss starting with this line:

Something flickers. In the dark of my mind, somewhere in the back, a thought. A memory. I hold my breath and close my eyes, trying not to scare it away. Yes. Yes I remember. I exhale loudly, blowing the thought away.

The memory begins to seep into him slowly, like a viscous liquid. The memory belongs to the self, the Owner of the previous episode. Upon the interruption/entrance of the Gibbering Creature, though, he slips back into the self of S1 Owner, shouting:

You can't...IF THAT'S YOU, LOBBY BOY, YOU HAD BETTER GET BACK TO YOUR POST!

I want to use this to get into something that's been cooking in my brain for a long time now, my theory/conceptualization of Self within The Hotel. My personal framework for understanding what the heck is going on with these characters and why their identities and memory can be so strange and ephemeral.

My fundamental premise is this: The Lobby Boy, the Manager, and the Owner are archetypes. Ideals, concepts. They are prescriptive roles which define the core of their identity, but each individual Manager or Lobby Boy that we see episode-to-episode is a distinct instance of that role. The Manager of one episode is not the same Manager of the next episode. They do not exist in the same space or time as one another nor are they acutely aware of each other. But they both do exist. Have existed. Are existing. Time and space are all kinds of warbly in The Hotel, that's just Her nature. It's how the Hotel is and experiences, and so that extends to the Staff [putting a pin in this sentence also. I will get into Self as related to The Hotel Herself specifically in the next post].

Due to the ever-constant, ever-changing paradoxical nature of time within the Hotel, distinct instances of Self can cross – memories and knowledge can leak into each other. Some Managers remember more than others due to this. There are infinitely many instances of the Staff which brush past each other and leak memory, self, knowledge etc. into themselves. I also think that the more time goes on, the more those selves accumulate and feed each other, the more a stable self-identity forms. Habits, preferences, feelings and so on occur frequently enough that that informs the next instance of the Manager.

This is what I think happened going from seasons 4 → 5. That's where we start to see more work done with linear plotlines and character development for everybody, so I use my framework to make in-universe sense of an out-of-universe writing direction.

Consider layers of time, space, and self happening here. A circle with a line through it, maybe. Everything is cyclical within the Hotel, but within that cycle is a linearity, a progression. The cycle isn't just the end and the beginning, it's the ingredients in-between the bread. What happens in the linearity feeds back into the circle, which feeds back into the line, and so on. When weird self and memory stuff happens in the series, this is how I make sense of it. It is fully self-contradictory and fleeting and weird and that's how it Is.

Idk. Personally I experience time in a really weird and very unreal-feeling way that's a lot like what I just described above, so I could just be projecting onto this. I'm considering making an entirely separate post just trying to explain this in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'm saying nonsense. So let me get back to my post, then.

This episode is so god damn JUICY. We've got a lot going on with the light/fire/darkness stuff, we've got the Owner being the most Owner he could possibly be and getting MAULED for it, the Owner - Lobby Boy parallels, we've got a Manager cameo, I love everything happening with the Hotel Herself specifically, this one really is just a home run all the way around.

As soon as the Owner lays eyes on the Gibbering Creature, he tries to book it.

Gibbering. Heavy foot falls and gibbering. You had better...get back... Gibbering echoes off of nothing. No no no no NO. WINGS FLAP and FLAP to no effect. NO! The gibbering and stomping continues to chase him. I have to run. Something is coming for me. I only know how to fear one thing, and this isn't her. But still I run.

For all his disdain and looking down upon the Lobby Boy, the Owner sure does seem to share that same 'run away' instinct, huh?

I run because the dim flickering candle in the back of my mind is getting brighter. More candles join in. Each flame a memory. Like a candle, you can regard it only for so long before the bright light burns the memory of the fire into your eyes, and I don't want this burned into my eyes. I can see her laying dead on the lobby floor. I can see the blood framing her open eyes. I can see the shape of her skull, and I remember.

Back to the light and fire imagery! Here, the fire is explicitly said to represent memories. In this case, the memory of the Owner's self that witnessing her dead in the lobby...We assume that he's referring to the Manager here, and I do think that he is. But @zombified-queer makes a good case in this post (With included follow-up insights from Veronica yay ! ) that he's also referring to Madam Hotel in season 4, specifically when the Owner kills her as Judy Blashy. Excellent post, I've since incorporated that into my own interpretation.

I personally choose to believe he's referring to both of them here. He doesn't want those memories of either the Manager or the Hotel-as-Judy horrifically dead. He wants to retreat literally, physically, but also into a self unburdened by that memory, hence why he starts out as S1 Owner here. He runs and the office setting slips away into the void.

The Owner then says:

I let one of the candles in my mind blow out. Like a birthday wish that will never come true.

What I think is happening here is that he's sacrificing one of his old memories, letting go of it to focus in on the ones he wants, needs desperately to remember in order to avoid the traumatic one. He allows the office setting, his old role, all of that to fade away to irrelevancy. He hones in on the memory of her (clearly intended to be the Manager but again the case could be made for Madam Hotel/HH/they're all interconnected with each other!!!) as he knows her because her death is too much for him to handle. It terrifies him deeply.

Whether this is the start or end point, this shakes up what the Owner knows. They shouldn't die or be dead! They're the Hotel Staff! They carry out the Hotel's will, they aren't like the guests, this is all wrong! Seeing the Manager, dead, killed by the Gibbering Creature (the Hotel Herself by proxy) for perhaps the first or last time means something has gone terribly, horribly, awfully wrong.

He begs and pleads this to the Hotel Herself as she plays with him even more. The Owner just doesn't get it yet, he doesn't understand. He thinks himself and the Staff above anything else in the Hotel, just as the Manager did. He flails and protests, insists:

Who will kill them?! If not us?!

To which he's answered by

Distant gibbering. I make so many pretty things. Listen to them gibber.

I just love this. I love her energy here. She doesn't need him strictly. The things the Staff do could be done by any number of killers created from her will. I truly feel this conversation is for her. She'd said to him earlier that he might only be doing and thinking what she wants him to do and think and I believe that's largely true in this case.

The Owner is exactly the way she wants him right now. He flails, begs, pleads, struggles. He understands nothing yet and that makes him fun to toy with. Meanwhile, the Manager taunts the Owner. I want to include this whole sequence because I love it so so much, please appreciate it with me:

THE HOTEL: TIIIIME to blow out another candle. THE MANAGER (distantly): I didn't run. THE HOTEL: Time to make a wish. THE OWNER: And you died. THE HOTEL: It's almost my birthday. (it's almost my birthday) THE MANAGER (DISTANT): So did you. THE OWNER: Not yet! I'm not some simple Lobby Boy or Manager! I own this, all of this belongs to ME! YOU ARE BENEATH ME, YOU ARE WEAK, YOU DIED BECAUSE YOU LACK THE WILL TO LIVE. TO RUN! I AM- The gibbering creature stomps over howls as it bludgeons the Owner. The Hotel theme plays over credits as the Owner continues to get torn apart by the howling creature. The Hotel blows out a candle.

The Owner so badly doesn't want to die, it's kind of adorable looking back on this. Essentially cornered, taunted, with no other options, he turns to the most familiar tool in his arsenal: shouting loudly about how above everyone he is. I've tried to think of something insightful to say about this but I honestly think this all speaks for itself.

This is where I want to wrap up this post. It's a little abrupt, I know we've still got 3.10, but I'd like to cover that next time as I segue into talking about The Hotel Herself. (And I need to stop and eat some dinner!)

I will see ya'll next time, and I PROMISE you that won't be anywhere near as long of a wait as this one was. I'm excited to finish this out. :-)

[sadosexual]

1, 4, 6 ?

Yayy thank you for sending. I'm gonna put these under a cut because I yap a lot.

1. How did they become how they are like today?

prolonged isolation is the easiest and most overarching answer... I don't mean relative loneliness but whole childhood devoid of friendship and joy kind of loneliness. No friends as a kid, was always the weird coworker at any jobs he had. Didn't keep them long. His only consistent point of contact is with his mother. While there's no evidence that points to it I project my own relationship with my mother onto him so they have a volatile relationship. Still lives with her but tries to be away from home when he can.

I do have the headcanon that he's trans, because I've noticed the type of isolation I've experienced feels scarily similar. Especially if we work under the theory that perhaps his mother isn't the most accepting. I think he'd have spent high school and middle school uncomfortable in his own skin, and saw no point in making friends, because he was terrified of being outed and even the "trial run" of a friendship where he'd try to sus out if they could be trusted with a secret like that, it was unbearable to be called that name, to have nicknames pulled from it. Something meant to indicate familiarity and closeness only served to remind him that they didn't know him, just the girl his mom thought she raised. College was easier. Still not great.

Simon doesn't strike me as someone whose experience with loneliness is scattered or even slightly relieved at any point. That's why I think he got so obsessed with Sophie. I got obsessed and acted so fucking similar when I made my first real friend. A lot of obvious desperation and insecurity on where I placed in her life. When someone else has lived a life, has a past, was known by people, but to you, they're the only person in your life... you know. Especially in adolescence and young adulthood.

4. What are their strengths?

Loyalty, for one. Stubborn, almost. This can lead to detriment to himself. He's quite open minded. Heavy topics are rarely off the table for him, if he had someone to talk to. I know we get a different view of Simon in his own mind, so I think in reality he is a lot more like he was in the flashback scene - he can't hide feelings if he wants to and is prone to just... blurting things out. And as a result of his own struggles he's not phased or upset easily. He's probably halfway decent at wound care. He's also like, very clearly bitter toward the world in most endings, but... I don't think he's a full on misanthrope until like, ending 1. He helps people just to do it. At his core he wants to help.

6. What is their biggest insecurity?

A lot. Simon views himself as unremarkable and bland at best - a side character in his own life. Anything he does, someone else has done it better. His words mean nothing because they come from such an underwhelming heart.

If you do manage to get through the plexiglass cage he's lived his whole life in, he always wonders if someone better is out there for you, even platonically. He's got a lot of baggage and to him he has no redeeming traits. He hasn't truthfully known anything beyond unrequited love at best and what equates to a social sensory deprivation tank at worst.

I suppose I could say "everything" but that'd be a cop out.

[rayless-reblogs]

For the author ask game, 5 and/or 11?

5: How do you know when a story is "done"?

Hm, that's a good one... I've often started projects without a strict outline, but I don't think I've ever gone into a long project not knowing how it ends. But that's not quite what the question is.

Even if you know exactly how things are ending, there's still the question of "When have I written enough?" And I definitely have trouble with endings! Like I said last week or so, I want a story to have closure, but I never want it to feel too pat. Having an ending too wrapped up and perfect feels very artificial to me, and I enjoy some elements of ambivalence and ambiguity even as things close -- this issue wasn't resolved ideally, this thing could still happen, A was solved but B was a byproduct of it. The fanfic-writer in me likes the idea of fairly open endings, because that gives the reader room to speculate and put their own interpretation on events.

I think for me, the ending comes when I feel like the mood is right. Obviously I need to clear up everything the story requires to be cleared up, but after that I want to make sure the tone feels right, then I can hopefully land on a memorable closing line and make my exit.

With Eola, the most recent book, I struggled with its ending for literal years. I wasn't sure what was bothering me about it except that in some vague way, I didn't know if it was enough. Without outside help, it can be hard for an author to figure out if a feeling like this is a real problem, or is it the usual creative angst of your work not living up to the unattainable ideal you saw in your head? Unfortunately, there's no measuring cup you can pour your story into to make sure all the measurements are right.

I remember talking about it to a friend whose writing sense I really trust, and they reminded me about climaxes and how somewhere, whatever's happening, the protagonist needs a moment of choice and agency. Looking back over Eola's climax, I realized I hadn't done that, meaning that not only was my protagonist's arc weaker, the climax didn't offer much catharsis, so overall there wasn't a very strong sense of the story even ending. So I went back to the climax and beefed it up.

When it came to Eola's epilogue, I'd rewritten it many times. I'd added and subtracted details, but never entirely changed the ending itself, and I'd always felt discontented with it. But because I went back a step and improved the climax, it improved the ending too. Which made me feel better about setting it down and saying, "Okay, this is done."

So the best I can say is -- it's done when it feels done? That's not useful, I know. Someone needs to invent that measuring cup. The mathematical side of writing the ending is making sure you've covered all the narrative beats you want to. But the non-mathematical, emotional side is ending when it feels right.

11: What punctuation do you love too much?

This is embarrassingly easy. The long hyphen, the em dash. I don't know why it started, or exactly when, but I do remember one of my high school teachers remarking to me, "I liked hyphens a lot at your age too." Well, I'm sorry, Mrs M, but I'm not that age anymore and I'm still drowning in hyphens. I'm making a conscious choice not to use any at this exact moment, but they fly in like darts most of the time.

I think part of it is that the em dash feels more expressive than a comma. If I write, "The Boxer heard a sound behind him, the evil pitterpat of Asher's cat," that works fine dramatically. The comma provides an adequate dramatic pause as you read. But ninety-nine times out of a hundred, I'm going to write, "The Boxer heard a sound behind him -- the evil pitterpat of Asher's cat." For me, it simultaneously pauses the reader for that dramatic beat and rushes them along, adding tension and energy.

And that's fine as far as it goes. But it goes too far. I will also throw that em dash into dialogue, and character descriptions, and onto the ends of paragraphs, and if I'm feeling really saucy, onto the front of paragraphs.

Reading my stuff over, I start to feel ridiculous. There's always a stage where I go through and try to kill as many em dashes as I can stand, making them boring little commas (ugh) or breaking lines into shorter sentences/fragments. Anything to stop there from being an Overdramatic Em Dash in literally every paragraph.

Maybe I haven't actually answered the question. Maybe I don't love the em dash. Maybe it's my greatest enemy.

Thanks for the asks!

Meme here.