#I refuse to blaze posts but I really really want a lot of people to answer this because I am so very curious

[copperbadge]

Have we found a tumblr replacement yet? Apparently the latest “live” shenanigans were the thing that it took to break me. I’m not trying to stir shit, I’m just mostly here for you and a couple other blogs, so I’m going wherever you go.

I wish, but unfortunately not so far. I mean, I've talked a little about how I'd like to find one but there aren't really any viable ones right now, and there may not be a fandom mass-migration for years still. I'm more likely to follow the crowd than blaze a trail in this case, so it may be some time. For now my only real tactic is to simply not engage with staff or support at Tumblr in any way, and accept the changes as gradual steps towards the site's demise with as much serenity as I can muster.

I've already accidentally opened Tumblr Live twice while trying to navigate the app, which I'm sure is intentional, given I've now suddenly opened Tumblr Live twice since its inception instead of Zero. Relatedly, I would love to see them redirect that passion into making the "Mute Notifications" button actually work, but mine is not to reason why.

Anyway. There are options available, like obviously there are other social media platforms, but none have quite the combination of "easy to use" and "has a lot of people on it" and "Offers the same functionality" (photo and video hosting, an app, etc) even with an "ease of use" and "functionality" that are as crap as Tumblr's.

For example, Dreamwidth is great, but it's a Livejournal code fork so it's a very different format from Tumblr, more labor-intensive to make and share posts (no reblog function, image embedding can get a bit complicated, etc). CoHost is new and very promising but a bit of a ghost town right now -- I'm there and I've had a bunch of people find me there but still exponentially less than are on Tumblr. Pillowfort I still need to re-investigate; I'm there as well but it's been a while since I looked in, and I was struggling with the functionality previously. I had a look at Mastodon, but as positive as decentralized servers could be for the future of social media, I actively dislike the idea, and it also seems difficult to set up and complex to maintain. Discord is....there, and a lot of fandom stuff has shifted there, but its structure is very different and it's also decentralized, and also I hate it passionately and refuse to use it, so that's a no-go for me, though I suspect it's where fandom might end up.

If you're struggling with accessing tumblr directly, you might consider feeding the blogs you follow to an RSS reader -- I know people who do that and find it pretty functional, because then if they want to comment they can just pop open the specific post and deal with it directly. I don't know how much you know about RSS and I don't have the energy to fully explain it right now, but NetVibes is a pretty decent free RSS reader and it's what I use for certain blogs outside of Tumblr.

In any case, if I do find a place, or if I see the migration beginning, I'll sound the alarm :) In the meantime I'm still reading through my tumblr, stashing away posts to save off when I leave, even if that'll be a while.

[akiyamastar]

Hi guys, I am back on the Chiaki tag. Yes, I'm analyzing him again and sort of picking up on a point I mentioned in my last post.

I think there's an interesting divide in how Chiaki acts in front of the other Yumenosaki graduates versus the rest of Ryuseitai (yes, even Kanata). He has this serious, no-nonsense personality that he tends to conceal in front of Ryuseitai, because he needs to act like "Ryusei Red," but this other side leaks out more in front of the other graduates. You can see this clearly in stories where he isn't interacting with his unit.

Chiaki's more complex than people make him out to be, especially if they don't know a lot about Ryuseitai and think he's some dense hero. In reality, he's an extremely perceptive person. This is a given, considering one of the main roles that he imposes upon himself is to read the emotions of the people he cares about, so even if he comes across as brash and pushy, there's this indirect sense of "I need to look over them and make sure they're all okay." His pushy, energetic personality disguises how he discreetly tries to read into situations with startling accuracy, defending the people he loves most.

In fact, he was so perceptive that he refused to let anything bad happen to Ryuseitai anymore after the events of Comet Show, thwarting Gatekeeper's move to try to alarm Madara of the false information that Kanata had been enshrined as a god again during Submarine.

Moreover, I'm of the opinion that Chiaki knew that he didn't do the best thing by reclaiming the leader role, but at the same time, the reason why he did so makes more sense in the context of the situation; he is trying to make Ryuseitai last at all costs, and he won't let the corruption of the idol industry take them down. While Chiaki does have a problem with taking things on his own, something that gets on Tetora's nerves and leads to that growing tension depicted in the prologue of the Universe story when he punches him, Chiaki's intentions were very much calculated. Chiaki is constantly reading the situation and emotions of the people around him to make the next optimal move that can help others.

While in front of Ryuseitai, he feels the need to be this "beacon of light," as symbolic as the blazing red sun that is the essence of his role as Ryusei Red, this facade is something that he is only keeping up because it's his "idealization" of himself. It is what he had originally wanted to become in Meteor Impact, and now that he finally has the power to become a hero in others' eyes, Chiaki partakes in this "fake it until you make it" act where he acts like a competent hero in front of the rest of Ryuseitai. It is to the point that his unitmates may admire him, but don't see his true self, marked with hidden insecurities of never being the main character of his own story. It is something that I really wish was explored more when Chiaki mentioned to Tetora how he wasn't that cool senior he tried to make himself seem to be. (Tetora and Chiaki's dynamic is so important to me if you haven't noticed by now.)

Essentially, Chiaki's personality is outwardly boisterous and passionate, channeling out his love for heroes and tokusatsu, but inwardly, he is extremely critical of how he enjoys such things. He also may seem like an unrealistic fool who views everything through the lens of tokusatsu, but he's also too realistic for his own good. He just thinks he'll seem like "no fun" if he shows that in front of Ryuseitai, but he does show his seriousness more around the other graduates.

I think an optimal example of Chiaki's more serious side was displayed in Shu's gacha event story centered on the graduates (Astraea's Atelier), specifically with how Leo and Chiaki interacted there.

Leo is generally a very playful and often unpredictable person, and you might initially think that this would go hand-in-hand with Chiaki's energetic personality. This isn't entirely a false assumption; in Red Hot Island (the water park gacha story) the two of them got along like two peas in a pod with their enthusiasm for the trip. (Their dynamic also goes so hard, btw.)

Nonetheless, there is a key difference between the two that shows a lot about Chiaki's character: while Leo tends to cope with problems by becoming increasingly more unpredictable and erratic in his personality, or isolating himself when he can no longer do so, Chiaki tends to shrink back and start showing cracks of his serious self when encountered with something grave, putting a halt to the energetic act rather than dialing it up.

This is why Chiaki is more likely to become suddenly realistic and even slightly irritable if people aren't taking things seriously when it matters most, which you can see when Chiaki sometimes shows a bit of annoyance for Leo's antics when they go too far in Astraea's Atelier, since he thinks that Leo isn't taking the situation of a stranger invading Shu's place in France seriously enough. Which is something I kind of love considering I wish we saw that side of him more.

Here are some examples of their interactions by the way (all translated by @/nia_narqissa on Twitter):

I recommend reading the story in all honesty since in general it reflects the graduates' friendships and how they interact with each other (and it's really funny).

I find it really interesting that Chiaki actually does seem almost hostile to Leo at some points in the story, something that might seem strange at first, but makes a lot of sense if you consider the fact that this aspect of his personality has always been a part of him; you could even conclude that it's very likely that he just swallows emotions like anger, but feels them just as much as anyone would.

In the end, however, the two do understand each other and I'm honestly really glad that they're interacting more in recent gacha stories.

I do hope to see more !! stories like this one where we see more of Chiaki's serious side since I think it's really interesting, and maybe even more on showing himself more to the rest of Ryuseitai because he is just human in the end. I think those are all my daily Chiaki thoughts for today. (I am very normal.)

[psychspark]

It's just so indulgent now? 👀

okay okay okay okay so. I have a character that I'm currently doing a run of bg3 as, her name is Ashtyn. She's romancing Lae'zel. It's going great. She's an ancient historical figure in my personal dnd setting and her backstory quick style is that she was the first aasimar and Tiamat is SORT OF her mother and she introduced dragons to the material plane. her backstory is modified to fit better into bg3 but she's still like. Tiamat's daughter, basically, which to ME makes for some really juicy like. there's SPICE in certain interactions. Technically she is responsible for Wyll 1. losing an eye 2. being a warlock. Mizora shows up and is like 'hey girl hey'. Qudenos sees her in act one and is like "kin? you're kin?" Ashtyn's deal is that she just recently refused to be Tiamat's chosen anymore so it's a lot of her looking at the other companions like '?????? STOP PUTTING SO MUCH STOCK IN THE GODS THEY SUCK'. She's very awkward and cagey and lowkey evil and. I've been thinking about posting little vignettes about her and talking myself out of it because what if people think it's cringe

Anyway below the cut is an excerpt from that doc:

“Karlach. Keep an eye on him, would you? Oh – and Wyll? Don’t forget. Our pact still stands. And you,” Mizora turns to Ashtyn, eyes blazing curiously. “Your mother dearest asked me to pass on a message-” Mizora is cut off by the blood hunter’s wild lunge at her – she disappears in a puff of smoke and reappears a few feet away – Ashtyn didn’t even graze her. “Tut tut, I’d ask where you get that temper but I know already. Anyway, she wanted you to know she can help you with the tadpole if you would only ask.” Ashtyn’s chest heaves from the force of her breathing, smoke billowing uncontrolled from her nostrils. Seconds ago all eyes had been on Wyll but now she is the focus of the campsite. It takes her a second to realise that it’s not because of the smoke, but because of her wings. Her wings must have appeared when she lunged. Any sort of elemental disaster could erupt if she opens her mouth now, so Ashtyn keeps her lips sealed together and gives Mizora the most hateful look she can muster. Mizora laughs, and Ashtyn burns. “Oh pup, you’ve found the most exciting company. Ta-ta!” The devil vanishes. Wyll roars in despair, Karlach clearly yearns to hold him, and the rest stare at Ashtyn in varying states of awe and fear. Gale has already figured it out. “By the gods, you- your mother is-” “Do not speak her name.” Ashtyn snarls, lightning crackling past her lips as she does. She can’t control her body – her wings are still out. She’s been told her eyes are a wonder when she’s like this – flashing blue-green-white-red-black in an endless, random cycle. The fires of Avernus are reflected in them too, she knows. In the corner of her eye she sees Karlach looking at her – really looking, and sees fear and hate and betrayal there. Wyll, too, looks at her like she’s a monster. And Shadowheart. And Gale. All of them know what she is now. Not Lae’zel, though. Her eyes shine with unhidden respect. Perhaps that’s the worst of all – Ashtyn knows well the deal her mother made with Lae’zel’s people and Lae’zel’s own aspirations as well. Ashtyn wants her darling’s strong arms around her, whispering away Tiamat’s influence and threading a new purpose into her heart. Too overwhelmed to contemplate a sensible thing to say, Ashtyn spreads her wings and rockets into the sky, unable to endure the scrutiny she’s suddenly being held under.

[carmenthabaddie]

I am putting me first and others last. And lots of sleepless nights me working on me and blood , sweat and tears. I refuse to be in same spot next year. Finally having success and spiritual abilities help me so much.

I recently few months ago learned about law of assumption and always knew about witchcraft and African traditional religions since teen years. Wish in 20s new about all 3. But at 31 least I know now and can tell other black women. The black church is keeping blacks behind and take advantage of black women. But each to they own.

I really want to document my glow up level up and show us we can overcome anything or anyone. I’m gone cross post on social media and research on be better content creator who has success and followers and real encouragement. It takes baby steps especially since I’m on budget. But I’m abundant and money grows on trees. And my sp David loaded with money and Virgo and I’m a libra. We both love money and luxury and helping blacks. Beyoncé said best revenge is your paper and she is Virgo too.

I am gone start spending less. But do cluster lashes, basic pedicure, face wax and acrylic nails. My budget can only afford that currently. I got hella wigs hold me off and clothes and makeup. So will be more strict saving money and plan meals I spend lot money groceries shopping 😫😫😫😫 Help. I’m shopping addict. Lol But I can overcome anything especially with my future baby daddy on my side. ❣️

I’m doing good with house chores and less time off social media.

I want to be a singer so 2024 more singing along on Spotify and YouTube Music lyrics. Eventually learn lyrics and do songcovers.

2024 I’m executing my plan. And small progress is still progress. But be accountable of my habits. Especially bad habits.

My law of assumption coach is amazing and helped me a lot. And affordable and trans. My therapist is nice.

My family still dysfunctional but I stay myself and say shit to piss them off. Kill them with kindness. They fake that’s why I’m be blessed and not them. Most them need therapy but it’s taboo in our community sadly and I want to change that.

Does paying for blaze help reach people? I really want a successful blog on here. I think I typed this post clear.

What’s good hashtags to reach more black women? I want to work with black women.

My goal for this blog is least one blog post a day.

Was this post interesting to read? I really like to have success somewhere on social media.

[shadow-academic]

Sorting Star Trek: The Next Generation: Part 1

I first discovered the Sorting Hat Chats through @wisteria-lodge’s excellent posts about Elim Garak and Julian Bashir, and they’ve also done a good writeup of The Original Series’s Power Trio (and Scotty), but I haven’t seen anyone do The Next Generation yet, so here I am! I intend to Sort the whole TNG cast, but that’s a lot for one post, so I’m going to split it into multiple parts. 

A more detailed break-down of the system I’m using is right here, but the basics are these:

PRIMARY (ie MOTIVE)

BADGER ~ Loyal to the group.

SNAKE ~ Loyal to yourself and your Important People.

LION ~ Subconscious Idealist. Ideals are linked to feelings and instincts.

BIRD ~ Conscious Idealist. Ideals are linked to built systems and external facts.

SECONDARY (ie METHOD)

BADGER ~ Connect with the group. Make allies, work steadily and well. Be whatever the situation calls for. If you find a locked door, knock.

SNAKE ~ Connect with the environment. Notice things. Tell people what they want to hear. If you find a locked door, get in through the window.

BIRD ~ Collect skills, knowledge, personas, useful friends. If you find a locked door, track down the key or try to pick the lock.

LION ~ Be honest, be direct, speak your truth. Either the obstacle is going down or you are. If you find a locked door, kick it in. 

Worf, Son of Mogh

Worf is perhaps the most straightforward character in the whole show. A Klingon orphan raised on Earth (in Minsk. Minsk.) by adoptive human parents, Worf held onto his Klingon heritage by adopting a Klingon code of honor. Even when he meets other Klingons, almost none of whom take that code quite so seriously, Worf holds himself rigidly to his system, checking every choice he makes to make sure it is honorable. It’s honestly the clearest Bird primary I’ve ever seen.

Worf’s secondary is also very clear. When faced with any problem, his first instinct is to charge in, phasers blazing, mek’leth at the ready. He is unflinchingly honest in all things. He’s got one of the loudest Lion secondaries in the whole franchise.

Lieutenant Commander Data

Bird primaries have a constructed system that they check their decisions against to determine whether something is right or wrong, whether it is constructed by them or something given to them wholesale, and I think Data’s ethical subroutines definitely count as a system that was given to him wholesale. But the ethical subroutines aren’t the whole of Data’s Bird primary. Data is constantly questioning the world around him, trying to understand what humanity is and what it means to be human. He is constantly gathering data (pun not intended) and evolving his system to account for it.

Speaking of gathering data, Data also has a Bird secondary. His knowledge is vast, and on the rare occasions that he lacks an appropriate toolset for a situation, his android brain can learn one very quickly. In short, Data is the Double Bird Spock can only dream of being.

Dr. Katherine Pulaski

Dr. Pulaski doesn’t get nearly as much screentime as her crewmates, only lasting for one season, but I honestly really like her character. She was very obviously conceived as “female Dr. McCoy”: an older down-home Southern doctor who wears her emotions on her sleeve and is brutally honest. But does she house-match him? Well...yeah! Like McCoy, she will go out of her way to help people because they’re people. The best example of this comes in her one and only focus episode, “Unnatural Selection”. (I’m still salty about the fact that not only is Pulaski in only one season, but it’s also the shortest season due to a writer’s strike.) Captain Picard believes the risk of contagion to his crew is too great to help the crew of Darwin Station, but Pulaski refuses to abandon them, because those are people down there. So she ends up beaming one of the patients into a shuttle where the only people aboard are her and Data (because he’s immune to disease) and even though she gets infected and has to be rescued by Chief O’Brien doing some transporter technobabble, she does solve the medical mystery of the day and saves whomever she can.

Speaking of Pulaski and Data, let’s address the elephant in the room. The thing that Katherine Pulaski is most infamous for is her being an enormous dick to Data in her earliest episodes. That’s very much a Badger primary falling into the trap of dehumanization, just like McCoy with Spock, but the big difference in the dynamic is that Data is not Spock. Spock can answer McCoy’s snark with snark and it’s incredibly entertaining to watch, but Data is far too innocent and earnest for that, and it just comes across as Pulaski being mean. But what all those Pulaski-haters pointedly ignore is that Pulaski goes through some really serious character development over her limited screen time. When she gets to know Data, she stops dehumanizing him, and indeed becomes one of his biggest advocates. In the episode “Pen Pals”, when Data has the personal issue of the day, it is Pulaski who argues most fervently in favor of helping him, because Data is their crewmate, he is their friend, he is a person. Pulaski even comes to believe in Data’s personhood in ways that Data himself tends to dehumanize himself. When Data explains how he cannot feel emotions, Pulaski’s like “Really? Because your reaction back there seemed pretty emotional.” Pulaski continues challenging Data throughout her screentime, but she goes from being dismissive of him to asking Data to challenge his limits in ways he hadn’t even considered.

As to Pulaski’s secondary, she has the same uncompromising Lion that McCoy had. She is going to charge in and make sure people get the medical attention they need, and nothing, neither Captain Picard nor getting infected with a fatal illness herself, is going to stop her. (Yes, I’m bringing up “Unnatural Selection” again. It’s just the best Pulaski episode.) At the beginning of “Unnatural Selection”, Counselor Troi even straight-up calls her out as being almost too dedicated to her work as a doctor.

Dr. Beverly Crusher

Speaking of doctors, let’s move on to the Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise for the rest of the show. Beverly Crusher is also a Badger primary. Her priority is her patients, and her patients are anyone who is hurt. She doesn’t care about the context; she sees someone hurt, so she charges in to heal them. (That’s her Lion secondary, too.) She’s very straightforward: charge in and heal people, no matter the consequences, which can honestly cause problems, because on multiple occasions, she ends up doing something like violating the Prime Directive, which Picard then has to call her out on.

Crusher: “I couldn’t just leave them there!” Picard: “Why not?”

The fact that this exact quote is an exchange they’ve had multiple times is, I feel, very telling for both of them. Picard knows that the rules exist for a reason, but Beverly’s not gonna let a little thing like rules get in the way of helping people.

Beverly’s also doing a spot of modeling; she’s got a Badger secondary model that comes in the fact that she kind of holds the role of “everybody’s mom.” Beverly is a caring, nurturing, maternal figure not just to Wesley but to the rest of the crew as well. But it is a model; when the chips are down, Beverly’s first move is to Charge.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Captain Picard is a phenomenally eloquent man. He’s downright famous for his speeches about how humanity can be better than anyone gives them credit for, about standing firm to ideals in the face of adversity, about never hesitating to do the right thing. This shows that he’s put a lot of thought into his own moral system; I don’t think a Felt primary would feel comfortable putting so much thought into examining their morals just to articulate them better. Picard sees value in the systems of Starfleet and the ideals of what Starfleet is supposed to stand for, and his Bird primary has incorporated them into his own personal system of what is right and wrong.

Like Kirk, and indeed like all Captains, Picard has a solid Lion secondary model; a natural necessity of the job is the skill to make snap decisions and judgment calls in the moment, and he’s quite good at them. But he only uses that model when it’s absolutely necessary. Picard’s preferred method of problem-solving is to trust in his crew. When faced with a problem, Picard will call a meeting of the senior staff and possibly the odd relevant specialist like O’Brien, and ask for their input on the issue at hand. What we’re seeing there is a Badger secondary leaning on the strengths of his community.

I’ve every intention of doing the rest of the crew at a later date, but this post is already very long, and I want to do more research (read: watch more Star Trek) before I tackle the rest of them. So, to sum up:

Worf: Bird/Lion Data: Double Bird Dr. Pulaski: Badger/Lion Dr. Crusher: Badger/Lion (Badger secondary model) Picard: Bird/Badger (Lion secondary model)

[scruffyplayssonic]

Are the ArchieSonic comics actually an 80's/90's syndicated cartoon? Episode 26: Hero and villain glued/chained/otherwise stuck together and begrudgingly cooperate to gain their autonomy (part 2)

Looks like you guys get a second post from me today, because I was reminded that I had missed a fairly infamous story back when I looked at the "hero and villain trapped together" episode. I hardly need an invitiation to bitch some more about Ken Penders, so let's take a look at the final main story arc from the Knuckles the Echidna comics before they were cancelled, King of the Hill.

I'm not quite sure what this cover's supposed to be saying. "No guns allowed"? Why didn't they just do what E.T. did and give Hunter a walkie talkie instead? :P

This story featured Knuckles having to deal with two new antagonists who wanted to tear him a new one: a human (or Overlander, if you prefer) hunter named... err, Hunter, and a purple gorilla... or monkey... named Monk.

I will now pause for a moment so you can all get your laughter out of your systems.

I know, I know. But let's not forget (as was pointed in an Off Panel strip I sadly have not been able to find) that the Sonic the Hedgehog series is full of silly names. The speedy hedgehog is named Sonic, the two-tailed fox is named Tails, the spiky-fisted echidna is named Knuckles, the pyrokinetic cat is named Blaze, and so on. But don't worry, Mr. Penders will give us plenty of other material to shake our heads at in this story.

The story kicked off when Monk, Knuckles' childhood bully, returned to the Floating Island looking to pick a fight with him. And considering why he'd been missing from the island for years, it's hard not to blame him for being pissed. Look, don't get me wrong - bullies are a massive problem and often ruin people's lives. I was bullied when I was younger, and it can do terrible things to your self esteem. But check out this flashback of how Knuckles' father and grandfathers decided to deal with Monk back when he was bullying preteen Knuckles.

Jesus Christ, Ken! This is how you portray your so-called heroes?! Knuckles' father and other ancestors, the ones who supposedly knew best and had all the answers?! Monk looks like he was still a teenager at the time, and for the crimes of (refers to notes) stealing Knuckles' yo-yo, bear-hugging him, and tossing him out of a tree, the cabal of mysterious grandpas just sentenced him to death?! I just... they go from hiding in the shadows and leaving Knuckles completely alone to... this? One of the memes most associated with Locke is how he microwaved his baby because he had a bad dream, but I feel this decision is just as worthy of mockery. Robotnik invades the island multiple times and tries to steal the Chaos Emerald? Meh, it'll be fine, Locke clearly doesn't need to do anything about it. But a teenage gorilla steals his kid's yo-yo? That is apparently worthy of an execution party! As Bart Simpson would say, "No offense, Locke, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting."

Anyway...

Before the fight between Knuckles and Monk could be resolved, our other new antagonist showed up. Easily knocking out Monk, Hunter invited Knuckles to join him and his new captive aboard his ship, where Knuckles found out just how passionate of a hunter he really was.

Man, I can't believe Sonic the Hedgehog got his head cut off by this lunatic. :(

It turned out Hunter was looking for a challenge, and decided he wanted to hunt both Knuckles and Monk for sport. Knuckles initially refused to cooperate, but reluctantly agreed after Hunter threatened to shoot a photo of his girlfriend, Julie-Su.

Monk and Knuckles were ordered to wear special collars and to run for their lives, but quickly found out that the collars would shock them if they got too far from each other.

Knuckles led Monk into the hidden sewers of Hydro City, hoping to shake their hunter, but he managed to track them down via their footprints. They managed to hide overhead in the pipes and tried to lay a trap, but when Knuckles lost his footing and slipped it set off their collars. Monk didn't handle that very well.

Alas, poor Monk, we hardly knew him. No seriously, we really didn't. Anyway, Knuckles got so angry that his chaos powers went off and...

Is that supposed to be blood coming out of Hunter's hands? I guess they couldn't show red blood in an all-ages comic book, maybe? That's the only way I can make sense of that panel.

Anyway, Knuckles and Locke stripped Hunter down to his underpants - for some reason - and locked him up in an underwater bubble.

Actually, Knuckles raises a good question. How does he eat in there? ...or go to the toilet? ...oh god. I really hope my second question wasn't the answer to my first question.

This storyline gets a lot of criticism, and rightfully so. The story itself isn't really engaging to me, and back when I read it for the first time all I wanted to know was why I should give a damn about this stupid purple gorilla who used to beat up Knuckles when he was a little kid. And of course, there's the lack of unoriginality from this whole story. Aside from the characters' dumb names there's also an undeniable similarity between this Hunter and a certain other well-known Hunter, from the Spider-Man franchise...

...as well as this story likely being inspired by the novel "The Most Dangerous Game." Oh, and there's this panel from part two of the story which James Bond fans may recognise from The Man with the Golden Gun:

Weird, but at least it's not as cringey as that time he traced Anthony Mackie's face for his Lara-Su Chronicles project. But anyway, this was the last story Ken Penders got to tell in the Knuckles comics before they were cancelled. It didn't really seem to throw him off though, he just ended continuing telling them as the backup stories in the main Sonic book instead. Sigh.

I'd like to finish up tonight on a positive note though, so here's a shoutout to the person who reminded me that I'd missed this story, the superstar that is Aleah Baker! A former contributor to the ArchieSonic series, Aleah wrote for, coloured, and designed characters for numerous issues before the series' cancellation, with her most well-known work probably being the fan-favourite Spark of Life arc that she wrote for Sonic Universe #71 - 74.

More recently she coloured Jon Grey's alternate cover for IDW Sonic issue #50, and the two of them made it look gorgeous!

Aleah is an awesome individual, and it is nothing short of an honour to know she's been reading my rants. :)

All right, that's it from me for tonight. As I said in my post from earlier today, next time I'll be looking at times in ArchieSonic when the hero was kidnapped and it was the sidekick's time to shine. See you then!

[missshezz]

I’ve been seeing a lot of posts from content creators expressing frustration over the lack of attention their works are getting here on Tumblr (and over on AO3).

I empathize with those creators as I’m one of those creators. I used to post my content here but got tired of posting to The Void.

To be clear, my goal was never to amass thousands of notes or followers.

Did I want notes and followers?

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. However, my ultimate goal was simply to create content that people like. That they comment on, recommend to others even, talk to me about.

It’s never really happened (thought I found a place once but got ejected from the fandom for refusing to speak Hive).

Now, I will say that I have managed to find myself a niche and do get decent hits on AO3. These here:

…

Are my numbers on my two open works.

Not bad, I admit.

Nowhere near the 10,000 hits, 1000 kudos, 500 comments I have seen on other stories in the same fandoms.

On Tumblr, however, those stories got:

No reblogs, no comments, barely a handful of likes.

This is what I mean by under-appreciated.

A story I helped beta for this years Star Wars Big Bang has these numbers on AO3:

And this many notes on here:

Of those 9, four are from me reblogging and liking it.

I have stories that have gotten zero notes. Art, gifs, wallpapers, same. Others are blogging about experiencing the same thing.

This is the content that people are begging for.

Begging

However, these posts all have fallen into The Void.

Why?

Largely, it’s the algorithm here on Tumblr. It sucks balls. The new blaze function also doesn’t help as it’s a cheap ass way for Tumblr to exploit content creators desperate to reach an audience.

It’s also the elites on here who control the fandoms by deciding who gets accepted and who doesn’t. They don’t want to share the space. They cultivated a circle of worshippers and don’t want to give it up. Look at how many either don’t reblog anyone but themselves or their inner circle.

This is what’s driving content creators away.

This is why fandoms (even huge ones) are dying.

Writers, artists, gif makers, they’re leaving Tumblr and A03/FFN because they’re tired of posting in The Void. We feel unwelcome, unwanted, and under-appreciated.

Fandoms are a community. A community thrives on participation. Hence my Sixty Followers Lost Celebration. It’s designed to show under-appreciated creators some love. Give them a boost of encouragement. Inspire them to keep creating. To continue sharing.

Otherwise, this site?

It’s gonna become a garbage heap of old posts.

People are getting tired of seeing the same posts over and over (I know I am).

Many will eventually leave from boredom.

What will people do then?

[alligatorjesie]

Hey @watchingtheearthrise

What’s this tag look like to you?

This stupid prick really had the audacity to basically say this:

And still thinks I’m in the wrong because I refuse to back down when I impolitely tell Anti assfucks to get the fuck out of the tags They Posted In.

Now I know you’re going to try and clamber up that high horse and tell me ’Just block the anti tag and move on’ but it’s going to be pleasing to watch it buck you the fuck off when you learn I’ve had this discussion before and I’ll have it once more:

I don’t want to block antis. I want to tell every single one of them to get a fucking hobby and to fuck off and out of the tags they’re harassing people in.

I enjoy doing this.

Reaming Anti assholes is as much a cherished hobby as any other that I put my entire horse sized cock into. Just as much as dick as I put into art, plants, carving, sewing, braiding, or your father.

Also this part is making me rollin' man:

First off like I give a single fuck about your baby fweewings regarding DNIs.

Take your own fucking advice and don't interact with shit you hate.

Second and most fucking importantly;

What a ignorant fucking child you must be to not understand that when you block someone any comments you make on their posts removes themselves.

I don’t have to do jack fucking shit.

I don’t remove comments, just like I don’t block people because I'm not a fucking pussy Anti who can dish it out but not fucking take it.

I fucking despise the-pretty-corpse as a person since they're a anti-reylo finnrey who likes to send death threats to reylos, but I will give them the credit where credit is due because they at least take the fucking punches.

I love to fight and argue.

Why the fuck would I remove a comment? I am blazed out of my fucking mind right now but even still I know how basic coding works on this hellsite well enough to understand when you block someone any comments you make on their posts removes themselves and you the blockee become unable to comment further and since you blocked me The Fucking Instant you clicked on the post it removed itself.

You removed your own comment the moment you blocked me @watchingtheearthrise.

Go on now kiddo. Unblock me, comment, then block me again and see for yourself.

So not only are you an anti, but you're also a fucking moron.

I mean what's the difference anyways?

Anyhoo, I feel like I bitch a lot in these tags and I thought I'd give something to the poor reylos who have to read my bullshit on occasion.

Here ya go enjoy some of my dumb reylo artwork.

It might be a repost. I don't fuckin' remember I'm high. Love you guys. Keep up the great work.

[ladycharles]

I love your music! I'm glad you blazed some of your posts because I may not have discovered you otherwise. It's interesting because I wasn't sure I'd like it at first as my musical preferences lie closer to the realm of metal, posthardcore and pop punk, but I adore all the synths in your music, the visuals in your music videos, and the cleverness in your lyrics. Actually, some of it reminds me of Gerard Way's solo album Hesitant Alien and I think that's why I enjoy your music so much.

An element of your art (which your music videos absolutely are) especially resonates with me as I am also nonbinary and it's very validating and comforting to see someone else being their authentic self and to be reminded that there's really no rulebook to gender-nonconformity. Thank you for sharing your music and I wish you the best as your journey of being an artist progresses!

Thank you so much! 💖💖💖 It is so true, a lot of people want to put us in boxes but if you follow your own path it is so much more rewarding.

I used to go to punk shows a lot in Toronto (RIP Soybomb) so while I am not super knowledgeable on the genres you mentioned they hold a place in my heart for sure - it's cool that you connect with my music because I feel like there's a lot of secret influence from post hardcore, pop punk, etc. Those shows had a big effect on me and some of the bands I listened to around then (Infernal Arms, Fucked Up, Horse the Band, Billy Talent, Refused) definitely influenced me in big ways!

Also serendipitous that I saw that Gerard Way album the other day while looking for album cover inspo and saved it because I thought it looked cool but haven't listened yet. I will have to do so!

If you have any metal recommendations btw I am all ears, I really barely know the genre.

All the best and hope you'll stick around for the new album! 💖

[lunylune]

Not my usual stuff, but I figured I'd leave it here anyway :)

I don't want to make two seperate posts for what I consider to be two similar stories for when I'm craving to write for some horror. The difference is one focuses more on reality breaking horror, while the other more of the rotten type horror with creatures.

As it is written for horrorgames, it burrows their themes and, as the both of them are shooters on the side, murder :)

Both are alternate universes and have some canon divergence.

~~~~~~ So first up, a story I wrote for The Evil Within 2, more focussed on the reality breaking and the issues that our protagonists experience, nearly losing themselves in the progress. (Complete)

Summary: Stefano refused to lay down and die in a garbage town such as Union. It did not suit him at all, nor did it fit his vision. But, perhaps with this child named Lily, he would not have to...

Now if only he could get her safe and away from all those people hellbound on harming the flower. Well, they were only going to meet the business end of his knife. He had warned them. Sadly one pitiful soul was a lot more... persistent than the others.

Drastic measures were called for.

~~~~~ Second up we have a story I wrote for Resident Evil 7 and 8. I tried to really focus on the mold that is so prominently featured, tried to explore how such an organism might function when trying to fit in with humans. So far unfinished, but I think it's a fun story so far ^_^ (incomplete)

Summary: Ethan Winters was not human and he had never been. Experimented on as a child, escaping in a blaze of fire, adapting to human life... It had all been an easy feat, compared to the joys and struggles of being a father. Adopting a bioweapon-child-girl-not-really-girl-child had been doable. Taking care of his human-but-also-not-really-human baby Rose while Mia was of her antifungals had been managable. Lying to the face of an organisation hellbent on destroying bioweapons was also something he had a decent amount of practice in.

Getting his youngest daughter stolen and leaving him to scramble with Eveline to find her in this fucked up village hiding a few things of its own though...?

Someone was going to fucking die.

Preferably that prick Heisenberg.

~~~~~~~~~~~

So that's it ^_^ hope someone here enjoyes 'em. Come have a chat about them because the fandoms are pretty small and these games life rent free in my head.

[husbandomail]

What kind of yugioh ocs are they?

dfghjkjhgf I'm still not super used to being asked about my ocs

they're duel academy students! I've got Ainara in Slifer Red, Mirach in Obelisk Blue, and Saiph in Ra Yellow.

I get shy about rambling so I'll put the rest of this under a cut lmao, it's kinda long ahaha

I have picrews!! because I can't draw lmao.

Ainara is the youngest of two children; her older brother is a pro duelist nowadays, and he's always been the favored child. things hit a point where she basically ran away from home to attend Duel Academy herself, in the hopes of becoming a strong enough duelist to beat her brother and just kinda,,, she doesn't even know if she wants her parents' attention anymore, but she just wants to prove her existence. she's placed in Slifer Red because she arrives after the start of the school year, and she refuses the automatic promotion to Obelisk Blue because she wants to earn her way there, but eventually she just decides to stay in Red anyways lmao.

she's a very quiet and lonely person, so hearing all the stories about what happened with Jaden, she ends up really wanting to meet him because she thinks they're the same kind of lonely. part of her arc is learning to express herself as a person, while other people also grow more understanding of her. deck-wise, I'm pretty adamant that I want her ace monster to be Blaze Fenix, so I'm trying to piece together something that works there.

Mirach is the Blue student; he was very ill as a child, so nowadays he feels the constant need to prove himself every time the opportunity arises. he's also still struggling with a lot of guilt and grief; he was close friends with another child while they were both hospitalized years ago, but his friend died while Mirach survived. So despite his still-frail health, Mirach wants to be able to save the people around him.

definitely a total sweetheart, especially in comparison to a lot of the other arrogant Obelisk students. for his deck I'm leaning towards his own set of Heroes, but I do want to piece together something different from what Jaden uses. if not Heroes, maybe a Light deck.

and then we have Saiph! he's in Ra Yellow, and the most notable thing about him is that he's got terrible luck. despite that, he generally puts on a brave face and pretends it doesn't bother him. [spoiler alert: it bothers him]

he's the only child of busy parents, and no matter what he did, they were never there when he needed them; because of that, he's really skittish and emotionally fragile now, and feels like he has to earn love and attention. he grows to heavily value winning because he thinks it's the only way he carries any worth, but with his awful luck, victory is rare.

for his initial deck, I'm leaning towards aliens? and then as the story picks up and gets going, he switches over to rituals with a focus on Demise, King of Armageddon.

I've got the general gist of the story down, but this post is long enough already so lmao

if you read all this, THANKS LMAO

[highpri3stess]

i understand you are an outspoken person but i honestly worry for you at times. you were courageous enough to be open about your personal struggles and it takes a lot of strength to do that however i think always being in anger mindset is not helpful for you in the slightest. we all have personal opinions and the internet is free speech but discourse and unpopular opinions is really just a fire to the already blazing inferno that you are you know? please take care of yourself. in your writing i feel so much pain but you deserve happiness, you deserve to laugh and smile, you deserve just to be at peace

It's kind of weird to assume I was angry cause I said a bunch of things I have observed, because I'm not angry. I wasn't angry when I wrote those. Bordering on racist but Idk who you are so let me hold my peace.

And honestly just assuming I'm angry because of the fic I'm writing is ... weird. I've always said not to assume what kind of person I am by what I post but you've done just that. "I hope you find peace" and you send me this kind of ask IS disturbing my peace of mind.

Do I have pain and anger at the world? Yes. The same way everyone else does. But I refused to stay mad and I've moved on, something people like you don't even realize because you're too busy sending passive aggressive asks instead of actually listening to what I have to say, always. Me saying anime fanfic opinions that has been with me far longer than anyone has known me on this account is not an indication of my mental state.

Stop assuming. If I want to tell you I'm angry I'll say it to your face. I'm not.

[the-firebird69]

Our waiting for the video to pull up on Trump trying again to get immunity where it does not apply we thought

He mentioned that he is guilty of several crimes and he admitted them on TV you said that he committed fraud already and everybody decided to put some put them on some sort of trial.

-he's standing there but seems like forever because the computer is sitting there trying to load and they're messing around a simple process so I posted in a separate Tumblr cuz he's got the computer up what the supreme Court decided

-it's a lot of decisions being made about what to do with you guys here within a qualified to make the decisions or not they're doing it because you are a stinkers and losers and mean and you're just idiots going around in circles not accomplishing anything except for ruining what they've done for years and that is coming up and that topic quite a while they're going to ask you because of it I'm pretty hard it's happening today and I went through a bunch of you not that many and started evictions they're going to begin a new pretty soon and large numbers of them in Charlotte county in Florida all over the world really and we're going to begin doing it too reducing teams out to arrest you when you start breaking the law

Thor Freya

The more like a pouring into the tunnels they've eaten up about 5% of their population remaining they'll probably go for another 5% tonight. There's a whole number of things that they're doing wrong one of them is they're not tracking the robots and they put them all over the place and it makes it easier for people to grab them those different parties are grabbing them and they do take the hardware and software out and Trump hits the silicon about a year after they already made them. He's a massive bum and a loser.

-we do have more to say the sun is just pleased with the treatment and wants you people to shut up and get often and you refuse and you're driving around saying all those dumb crap you said stupid crap about his idea it was your idea you're saying you're the inventors and our son said so let it roll tell people that and you have to tell me I guess and got into a lot of fights and big fights too and people are coming down on them telling them just to shut up and he doesn't say anything all the time and here you are screaming it and started a big fight and yes bja and Jenna are going to step down before the elections well no they're playing on sticking it out and they found Trump snickering and toadling and laughing and he says no you know and it changes things in a sense is no that's not how it works but so you said laughing and said okay how does it work cuz you trying to take my apartment key and everybody's trying to kill you and they are killing your people until they can get to you and got hit because he turned around and started blabbing other people picked up on it and started hitting him he's going to be a wreck and he's going into a couple movies and people are going to beat him up and bring him down what are the movies is going to be Mick ultra and that's after I am the cheese and before Superman and Doomsday and Batman and it is going to be a hell of a fight they're going to kill each other and Trump is going to get decimated and he will be attacked by Brad for what seems like a month of solid attacks and finally Trump kills Brad and his client gets Trump killed and in Tunis and it's over all sorts of dumb things but there's a lot going on there's a stuff called fire and there's several warnings today about the woods out there being dry and a part of it caught fire and they're putting it out and it's happening intermittently all over the place if you figure it out it's only a quarter of the place but it's going to be a blaze tonight I'm planning on sending 20 more now there's only 100 households and actually we said 110 but he's right we said it was 100 but it's not. And they're going to go out there and we think that people get hurt it's not a real smart thing to do but that's what they're doing. And the other side are getting as many people together by this next morning they will be weaker than kittens we're looking forward to that but the max are going to strike tonight and they're going to hit the morlock because they're going down into the tunnels and they're going to trace it down and hit where they're coming from and they're going to hit a lot of them it's going on tonight. You're going on he's more like going north with a huge Force and it will be there momentarily it is gigantic it's too big they're going to get their asses handed to them and they'll be up there in a couple hours everything is going to start in a couple hours and we're going to hear from them screaming and yelling and their AI boy and we can care less if they keep saying this stupid and they're hilarious looking people by the way they look like really dumb and so dumb that you really want to stop them from being near you and Dave was trying to do that he didn't look so smart either but he was squished it down and he was diminutive for his size our son is a child and he looks a little bit odd too but not that odd he says that you should have him drive your car because it affects and really John remillard will go after this like a shark after a seal our son is really only about 5 years old and that's his head and his brain and his body is about a 3 year olds and he's like that guy the mask to you guys when you're actually mature and he's not very bright but our son is a lot smarter than you are it's just as smart as Mac and Mac is always surprised but really he's an underage driver. They also say he has a disease and not supposed to drive around no that doesn't matter... Tell me to see what happens there

-my son and daughter actually says he thinks it was her and it was and she came and mentioned that some guys using a money order and then he can combine a reference number and the money order number and we'll try and place the cash that they use and force them here that's what it all means and some people sent thousands of dollars. It's not a grant or a will and you can make a will that's what the living will is you're alive and you're saying that this person can have this truck if he starts a pool company and tries to do it for a month at least. John son says that's a great idea and he's going to make pools that are like beaches at the house and you wait into it and you can have a little wave thing and title pools and is going to take Trump and give him a consultant job in the company name will be Beach bum so people might try that but there's some big wigs doing it and they have a lot of their troops doing it and it's all kind of on the same line there's maybe 20 major groups. . Two of them are foreigners and they're going to try and get it going for real.

We had trillions and trillions today way too many to mention they're doing it and they say it's cold from their end and they're trying to get stuff together to become powerful

This function is causing people to get into the game and we needed it very badly and it's forcing us to sign on is a giant movement

Couple more things

-I don't appreciate you dragging me around and our son and a cheapskates still going to drag you around and take all your money one effect is most of the people that use the checks they're trying to trace us down and they are getting very messed up they're not going to make it... We found one group but sent out the same code 27 times from 27 different locations all them within three states there's a big group a couple hundred million letters all the more money orders sent to our son so they're saying Jim Morrison you want to go there area and close people off so they're going to try and get Jim Morrison there and take it for a ride for everything is worth and it's not Justin he's not doing it either a lot of people are saying wow and it is that way that's incredible stuff

We're going ahead with what we're doing now and we are getting stuff together and we're moving out but there's a huge amount of stuff happening these people are nuts they're going around doing dangerous things and we don't want them near our son they're idiots they get killed once or twice a day each it's over they're r forces are going up and are diminishing very fast more and later

Thor Freya

The panel idea has taken four companies are trying to make them for specific cars mostly Mercedes BMW Audi cars with bigger motors and some of the American cars mostly Camaro Corvette charger Challenger there's only a couple sedans the Kia sedan the big one that our son had but the high performance version and you know there aren't many more that they want to do it too and our son said the high performance speed shops could try and order the panels for supercars no it's for the hypercars and super cars to make them more impregnable and even different rating for a fly car with some different panels so there would be a couple levels and they're going to try and look into it but we have four people doing it for a regular cars there are several people who are looking at their trucks and wondering if they could do it and our son says the truck with a high performance package of an increase in horsepower and talk to and some torque and it's true and could pull the weight and it's actually probably a wiser thing in SUV a large one is better than a small one but so many people have the small ones that have actual power it's about the explorer sized. The reasoning is that you can carry stuff and it won't get destroyed or destroy you and is more chance of it surviving cuz they do in case it so they figured out something it's pretty Sharp and they are going to town on it and it says don't forget to make an enclosure for the gas tank and they laughed and said that's a good idea that you can provide answer your shielding for your motor and such it's simple stuff on the inside of your grill and put a louver that's out of steel or even out of the metal and they agree so they're going to go ahead and try and make these packages and they're getting excited because they do understand what he's saying you're going to be making these and you're going to make it so many they also need vehicles with right now their vehicles are getting destroyed and our son and daughter say that we build those and we're interested in that and they want to talk to us because we can build them fast and we pretty much have to no they're building them as fast as they can and it's just not fast enough and we need that kind of thing for a little bit of heat and the max we're doing that to us our entire life and I'm going to put it forward is it been a very valuable talk and we hope to do more later and yeah he's itchy again

Thor Freya

Olympus

Wow you mean I can walk up and buy a truck from you and our friend says you have to use a little more caution than that that we're going to talk about it with certain people and we are going to sit down and discuss it and she probably have a show car show equipment show you can have a smaller one so it's not ridiculous and he says a big one isn't bad it's true too the question is where and Max is laughing that's a good question and our son says Florida and it's a joke but it's not big probably in California and it's a good idea and to have a car show because our cars have the metal on them and most of them have a rating of eight or nine already and their standard cars and you're going to go around armor in your cars for no reason except you can armor them more with titanium panels or titanium alloy I'll give you about a 12 or 15 so they're thinking about it now

Thor Freya

Olympus

[legendaryinternetpersona]

The Demise of my Mother: Live and in Technicolor!

With each passing day she drifts further from us... well, from me. That last vestige of my former life in living form. The constant. The guiding, albeit neurotic, star. 

My brother didn’t call her on Mother’s Day. It is likely to be her last Mother’s Day with us and he’s clearly in denial and primed for an epic collapse once she ultimately passes. 

My dad knows she was the love of his life now and feels terrible about everything he did wrong to her and doesn't have words to express it, since he doesn't speak feelings so much, so he just avoids the entire situation, as is his usual modus operandi. 

I made a video today. I found a nice park by the river and poured a bit of my heart out. I just have so many exceedingly valid reasons to be sad in life, but also a great many reasons to be thrilled to pieces about life. And it’s a whole lot to take in at times.

While I miss and worry about my children I’m also grateful that I don’t have to worry as much as their father does currently about their care and upkeep while I attempt to right this ship that is my life, for the first time in my life. 

I was primed and ready to move in with one of my girlfriends as an au pair for her two high functioning autistic step kids but I’m unsure, after last night, and witnessing her bipolar in all of it’s terrifying glory. Echoes of my ex when he was drunk and ‘excited’. It had my alarm bells blazing. Klaxons sounded in both my ears. it was ... jarring, to say the least. I need to try and figure out a way to talk to her about that because, to hear her boyfriend tell it, she's doing that to the boys too. Now all the snark from the oldest towards her and solicitude of the youngest makes much more sense. And my mama heart breaks for those boys. But I’m also afraid this will be the end of a friendship I and her both very much treasure. 

I’m currently sleeping on a couch owned by a wonderful friend of mine. Inhabiting a corner of his living room with my writing desk. A corner graciously sacrificed by his daughter, who didn’t use it for her artwork anymore. Instead she does her art on her phone, and on a computer, lying on her bed. And I think she writes some too. I’m unsure. She’s 13 and guarded. Same age as my daughter. 

I feel like, in another dimension, her and my daughter are friends. Just like I feel like, in another life my children are friends with my girlfriend’s step children. They’re all the same ages.  And my oldest would come over and “babysit” but really we’d just be giving him money to come over and be the awesome older brother guy that he always is... I just feel like they would all get along. They all have similar traumas. With the same origins. All of it mother wounds. Parental pain I wish so much I could heal. If only I knew how. May the Good Lord see fit to guide me with the right words, and help me to hear His direction. I want to help so many people. A heartbreakingly overwhelming number of them. But I also refuse to do the emotional labor of everyone else. I will do my best not to offend but I will not compromise my values... and ...about those.... I’m not as sure. I still need to define those, specifically. I have a pretty solid idea what they naturally are, and what I want to tweak but I need to sit down and... that’s another post. 

I’ve been doing good with keeping up with my journaling lately. I’ve struggled with my impulse control, and on working on my goals. I’ve been scrolling, largely blindly, and driving around, trying to avoid the awkward of this house these days. When I’ve not been working, that is. 

My wonderful friend, who is putting me up and keeping me fed, and is so sweet and kind, is woefully and desperately in love with me, after a fashion. He loves me enough to want my body but not enough to stop destroying himself, which is the criteria I already stated for me to be able to even consider him as a candidate for a mate. I can’t watch someone I love do that again. I thought I told him this. I feel like he maybe missed that conversation. Or he was drunk. Things are... strained. I haven't figured out how to broach the subject again yet. I’m so scared he’s gonna kick me out, or something. Even though I doubt very seriously that he would. I’m pretty sure he’s a good honorable fellow. I will keep the internet posted for all my zero readers, as things progress. 

******************************

The man just made me cry. I sobbed. Wept real tears over the poor downtrodden little redheaded boy he was, absolutely desperate for his mother’s love and denied it when he needed it most, to the point where he now loathes himself and by extension, existence. An attitude which has somewhat infected his daughter as well. Depression can be a learnt behavior, as I myself am an example. It is so excruciatingly heartbreaking, listening to him putter around the house muttering to himself “no one wants what you have” and “no one cares, why are you even talking?” and I hear it and I’m like “Please, I care, and it pains me to hear you speak so cruelly about yourself” and he just says “this is my way” and I just... All I can see is that little boy, deprived the love of a stable mother, forced to be honorable, even to his own detriment, for the duration of his existence. And I cannot love him the way he so desperately desires to be loved. What he wants is his mommy back, he wants his childhood back, he *desperately* needs therapy. Will he ever go to therapy? HA, no. He will not. He doesn't love himself enough to do that, which is why I can't love him. I cannot force myself to endure another front row seat to a slow motion suicide. No matter how beloved the person may be to me. I just can’t put myself through that again. You have to love you as much as you want me to love you. I can’t do that for anyone.  So he takes that as an ego injury, I think... If he truly understood it at all when I attempted, I think I attempted, to explain it again, but he was drunk again tonight too, which is another huge trigger for me that I don’t particularly want to live with, and im so scared to broach any topic that might possibly be touchy when someone has been drinking. And thats another thing he’s completely disinterested in stopping, along with the smoking.... all these things I so badly want to stop doing to myself, that I am surrounded by, in everyone I know. They’re all so unhealthy and it hurts my heart.... 

And I’m back on the vape again. Mom doesn't know, but I do, and so does my body, and God, so I’m lookin askance at me and my frustrating lack of impulse control and I want to correct this issue post-haste. I want to correct all my issues. 

The story of my relapse is rather funny though. I mean, I think it’s funny. In a morbid, funny oh no kinda way. Mom has been sleeping more as I mentioned. I’m quietly falling back on my largely ineffective and deleterious coping mechanisms of overt muscle tension, nicotine consumption, delta/thca vape abuse and doom scrolling. I even caught myself entering Publisher’s Clearing House again even though I’ve been told a bunch of times that’s never gonna happen and I need to give it up already (I've already won twice, small prizes, but still). But anyway, already in near freefall relapse, bumming hits off every vape, or known vaper, I see, I worked the Breaking Benjamin show the other night at Thompson Boling. Benjamin himself left his lil blu brand vape on the drum riser, along with two nearly full packs of gum, and I pilfered the lot of it as we cleared everything off after the show. The whole shebang, took. I had no shame. I knew the roadies were just gonna chunk all of it, none of it was special. The man had a brand new, fresh charged vape on the bus, 100% bet. And probably enough gum left at the end of that tour to get him through the rest of the month, even with an avid chewing habit. Plus which he’s a ding dang rockstar and I’m verifiably impoverished victim of the state, as well as larcenous junkie for nicotine, apparently. At least I seem to play one on the stage that is my life at present. Benjamin himself acted as an agent of Satan for me that night and he didn’t even know it. Was completely unaware. And I bought more pods for it today. Even after writing down, on paper, just this morning, that *that* was exactly what I had decided NOT to do anymore, that was the line, the rule: ‘no more spending money on inhalable nicotine’, to be followed by ‘no more intentional damage to the lungs’. And then I rationalized the whole thing in my head to excuse this breaking of that rule, not even 18 hours later, even knowing that everything I want in this life and the next lies on the other side of this addiction.... 

Well shit, I guess the story isn't all that funny. It’s actually pretty sad. 

...like the rest of my life, at present, from most angles.

*****************

[anonym-potato]

The Entire Main Cast of Stranger Things are Autistic have some headcanons - Part 2!

Sequel to this post.

Erica:

• Blunt as hell about everything at all times and will not apologize for it.

• Hates it when things touch her face. Specifically her face, she couldn’t tell you why.

• Learned to read way before every other kid in her grade and holds it over their heads.

• She didn’t actually mind crawling through the vents because of their size, just how dusty they were. She likes small spaces, they’re good for hiding in, but dust is the devil.

• Shares her brother’s distaste for strong smells. Unlike him, she just out and out told Steve his cologne was gross (he did stop wearing it, but Lucas was still grumpy with her)

• Refuses to believe something is ‘different’ about her because that makes her like her brother, who’s a huge nerd. And she’s totally not a nerd. Totally.

• Overalls…comfy. Good pressure stim.

Steve:

• The only one of these folks who actually has a diagnosis (and that wasn’t a sure thing, it was the 80s), so everyone always asks him about the ‘right’ terms for things, but he doesn’t care.

• Mimicmimicmimic, it makes peopling easier. He honestly didn’t realize he was being an asshole until Jonathan beat the shit out of him, and then he felt like garbage for a while.

• The hair routine is the Same Every Day which is Good. It makes it easier to have that sorted out every morning.

• Has the uncanny ability to turn literally anything into an impromptu stim toy. Gloves? Textbooks? His mom’s nice vase? In Steve’s hands, they can be stimmy. He even only chipped the vase instead of shattering the whole thing.

• The Scoops Ahoy uniform is made of the most itchiest fabric to exits GET IT OFF ME-

• Makes popcat noises all the time when he’s thinking.

• He’s used to acting like he doesn’t need help or support, because his parents expected this to be something he could ‘get over’, so he has a bad habit of saying he’s fine even when he’s really really Not.

Nancy:

• High compassion, low empathy. It can make social situations difficult even though she has a decent grasp of subtext and sarcasm by now - are you being stanfoffish because you’re tired? Angry? Upset? Please tell me so I can respond appropriately.

• The steryotypical ‘gifted’ neurodivergent kid who blazed through everything in elementary school and had to learn how to study several years later than everyone else.

• Sun Too Bright. Must Wear Sunglasses At All Times.

• She’s the first person in the group (after Joyce) to advocate for saying something if you need help. They all have to fight monsters and graduate school together, this extra mutual weirdness is nothing. Steve nobody minds if you need to go lay down because you have no people charge left you big doofus.

• On that note, she Steve and Jonathan have been competing to find The Comfiest Jacket Possibly for years now. She found the current top contender and is very proud of it.

• Has used the same kids shampoo that smells like strawberries since she was five and hasn’t changed it since because it’s part of the routine.

• Hyperfocushyperfocushyperfocus. She doesn’t know how to stop doing the thing when she feels like she has to do the thing.

Jonathan:

• Is always wearing jackets because everything ever makes his skin mad and it Sucks.

• Eye contact is the worst thing in the world and making it is impossible sometimes. He just looks at people’s chins and hopes they don’t notice.

• Was less willing to compromise himself to appease Lonnie and got a lot of shit for it, but never said anything because he didn’t want to ‘bother’ Will and Joyce. He’s very used to bottling all the Gross Feelings up until he can’t hold them in anymore and it is unsurprisingly bad for his mental health.

• Music is so sounds you guys, it’s the best to rock to, you’re not moving Dustin are you okay?

• Special Interest in photography, in case it wasn’t obvious. He and Will have spent many an afternoon infodumping back and forth.

• Leg bounce. Always with the leg bounce. He’s a fan of thumper, okay?

• There is a Routine, you stick to the Routine, it is important, wait what do you mean the plan has changed NANCY WHAT-

Robin:

• Really struggled with verbal language as a kid, sometimes talking just Doesn’t Happen, she learned ASL but didn’t know anyone else who knows it for a while. She’s now teaching it to most of the others.

• She tells Steve about it after they get the job at the video store, and she expected him to be cool about it but he was all ‘Oh yeah me too!’ And it was the best feeling.

• She also found the Scoops Ahoy uniform unbearable itchy and she and Steve had a post-Fourth of July bonfire in which they burned them.

• Cracks her joints all the time because the popping sound is Nice.

• Special Interest in linguistics, she likes to joke that language is her best friend and worst enemy.

• Super sensitive to patterns, she can figure out people’s schedules with freakishly little information. It’s kinda scary.

• The social battery has very limited capacity. If you attempt to speak to her after work, you are lucky if you get a response that isn’t just her middle finger.

The adults will get their own post.

Update: it’s here!