#I think I can’t let go of the guilt and regret bc i feel like i gave up on them and i know what it feels like to be given up on

[tabbytiger]

man

[specific-dreamer]

stay gold is for darry too

“when you’re young and the world is new / it’s easy to forget when you’re trying just to make it through”

bc, cmon guys, darry is twenty. 20, two-zero. idk how different college was back then, so bare with me.

he’s from tulsa oklahoma, the south, and he’s twenty years old. assuming he didn’t take a gap year (i’m going off the musical sayin he had to drop out, instead of not go all together) he would’ve been in his second year of school.

(i’m putting a break here because this turned more into a headcanon than an analysis i fear)

and we know darry’s a lil extroverted social butterfly, i’m sure he made so many friends. do you think he told them he was going home for the weekend but would totally be back for that frat party? or do you think he had a best friend on campus that he couldn’t wait to introduce to his family and the gang because he just knew how’d great they’d get on?

because he’s at a state college likely, there’s gonna be greaser/soc rivalries still but chances are so high that the max tension will be arguments. so it’s likely he even got to (freely, and guilt free) make friends with socs.

his biggest worries sophomore year was if he would finish his homework and papers before the weekend so he could go home for his birthday. his biggest worry was working up the nerve to still his dad he blew his allowance that month on some girl. his biggest worry was struggling with being a first gen college student, juggling his papers and football practice, and his work study.

i’m willing to bet he didn’t even tell his parents he’d be home that weekend. i’m thinkin he told dally, because dally would likely forget to tell the others he was comin and everyone else can’t keep their mouths shut for shit.

i think he went to Oklahoma State, which is only 2 hours from tulsa. so, i’m thinking he caught the greyhound really really early that morning, like crackass of dawn early. and when he gets there it’s probably 6:00 and through the window darry can see his parents rousing soda and pony up for school. (school may start at 8:30, but they got two rowdy teenage boys one of whom hates school to get ready, they’ll wake up an hour earlier than necessary)

darry, in all his older brother glory, probably waits for the perfect moment to make his grand entrance. he’d wait until he hears ponyboy loudly complaining that “darry doesn’t have to wake up this early” and he fuckin grins because that’s the most perfect entry for him.

but he can’t get excited, not yet. he’s gotta act like it’s no big deal that he’s here, so he opens the door all casual like and starts toeing off shoes as he closes it behind him. and in his arrogant, i’m-the-eldest-of-course-i’m-right voice he says, “you’re so right, little brother. i actually woke up three hours ago.” and darry tries his damndest he really does, but he can’t help the way his chest loosens and his grin widens and it feels like every stressful thing he’d been worried about rolls off back when he hears the gasps and “sweet mother mary” from his family when he announces himself.

he probably doesn’t even get his second shoe off before he’s knocked to ground by pony (soda would have too, if he was anymore awake, instead he’s just staring at darry in confusion).

i’m gonna write a fic BUT BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING

do you think darry feels guilty for not having called ahead of time? do you think he wishes he stayed at school that weekend so parents wouldn’t have gotten in that wreck? do you think a small of darry, a part that he hates as each day passes, wishes that he let the social workers take his brothers? only to instantly regret that train of thought when his brothers crawl into his bed at 10pm trying to stop shaking and crying so they don’t “wake” darry

do you think that it was in that moment, that all those childhood jokes with his parents and phony arguments with paul suddenly became real. that sodapop and ponyboy are his babies. they may not be his in the same way that curly and angela are tim’s kids, but his friends at school are always sayin darry needs to stop referring to pony as his “littlest”.

we know darry didn’t cry at the funeral (or at all, at least to pony’s knowledge) but i really think college was such a breath of fresh air for darry that he was probably holding back sobs when he called his schools admission office to drop out.

i think before they could bury their parents properly, darry had to convince his brothers to go down to school with him so he could pack his things up. (i say convince because i think pony might’ve cried himself hoarse thinking that darry was going back to school and leaving them alone)

do you think darry cried the night before they went down to oklahoma state? because his friends were finally going to meet his littles that he could never seem to stop talking about. he’d have to find some way to apologize for missin the frat party (and his 20th birthday, hell, darry thinks his might’ve been more excited than he was) because saying his parents just died and he legally became a father of two is a little too comedic to sound real despite things.

or do you think he avoided his friends like the plague because he knows he’d break down if he saw their pitying eyes? he knew he’d break down if that one girl he couldn’t keep his eyes off of from his psych class saw him and soda carry his boxes to the car and stopped and ask him why he was leaving.

do you think after the funeral when darry made sure his brothers were alright, tucked in for bed and knew they could go find him if they needed anything at all, instead of going to his room he went to his parents room? just to feel their presence one last time. he probably went under their covers too, in the middle like when he was a kid so he could turn left and smell his daddy’s cologne or turn right and smell his mamas rosy perfume, just so he could get one more hug from them. just one more hug before he had to let them go

(do you think when ponyboy inevitably came lookin for darry to scare his nightmares away later that night he got scared when darry wasn’t in his room? do you think he started crying all over again unable to be tough because what if darry’s dead too or worse what if he really did leave them? do you think that’s when pony started sleeping with soda instead. that that’s when his image of darry being a hero cracked because what kind of hero leaves when people are still needing to be saved?)

[olenvasynyt]

In the Azriel bonus chapter, Az leaves Rhys after their little fight and he says this: 

“He'd been so vigilant about keeping away from Elain as much as possible, and had stayed up here to avoid her, and tonight ... tonight had proved he'd been right to do so.”

And then you know what happens?  When Az keeps away from Elain, and he goes to the training pit, he stumbles upon Gwyn.

I think so many things point to Gwynriel in this bonus chapter.  The shadows reactions to her are something people often bring up to support Gwynriel.  They are curious, they dance to her breath.

And I can talk more about how the shadows react, all of the similarities Gwyn and Az have with each other ( made a post about that already, link here!), the foreshadowing people like to bring up, the retconning SJM has done for Gwyn, etc.  But I feel like I don’t even need to mention any of those tidbits even though I think they are important.  

All I need to know is the bonus chapter (which is usually used to tell the reader what will happen in the upcoming book) starts with Elain, and ends with Gwyn.

We can also analyze how the chapter is set up, the transition from Elain to Gwyn, the stark contrast between the two interactions and the feelings Az experiences, and we can compare a few sentences that are alike to understand what SJM might be trying to do. So I want to simplify what happens and focus on Az’s feelings throughout the BC.

It starts with him restless and filled with lust and desperation.  There is a constant looming feeling of self-harm almost because Az doesn’t take care of himself.

He found himself leaving the room. Entering the foyer, and he stumbles upon Elain. During his time with Elain, we get this lust, self-hatred, guilt, desperation.  He doesn't want to taint Elain with his presence. He constantly says this is wrong, it’s a mistake.  

He knew it was wrong, but there he was, sliding the necklace around her.

Wrong—it was so wrong.

And then Rhys interrupts and we see anger and spitefulness from Az.  He is defensive, he is in denial.  

"So you will leave Elain alone. If you need to fuck someone, go to a pleasure hall and pay for it, but stay away from her." Azriel snarled softly.  "Snarl all you want." Rhys leaned back in his chair. "But if I see you panting after her again, I'll make you regret it."  Rhys had rarely threatened punishment or pulled rank. It stunned Azriel enough that it knocked him from his rage.

And when he leaves, he goes back to this kind of self-harm because he goes and uses cold to numb his feelings.  

Azriel tucked in his wings and left without another word, stalking through the house and onto the front lawn to sit in the frigid starlight. To let the frost in his veins match the air around him. Until he felt nothing. Was again nothing at all.

He felt nothing.  Was nothing again at all.  A way of self-harm, and it brings out his self-hatred that we saw before.  We continue to get these feelings of disappointment and regret when he says that he was right in avoiding Elain, and we see him have feelings of temptation, rage, frustration, and writhing need.  And he goes to work off these feelings.

He aimed for the training pit, giving in to the need to work of the temptation, the rage and frustration and writhing need.   He found it already occupied. His shadows had not warned him.

And then we get to Gwyn.  We see his interactions with her and how he has a bit of empathy and maybe pity, but also amusement—he can’t help his soft chuckle. He also opens up to her and drops a very important personal bit of information, something Azriel almost never does.  

"Do you, though?" she pressed. "Sing?" Azriel couldn't help his soft chuckle. "Yes."

And we get him working off his temptation and rage and frustration but in a way he didn’t expect.  He was planning on doing it alone and probably in the same sort of way we see with how he sat in the cold by himself: he uses pain to dull his feelings.  But instead of doing this, we see him help Gwyn with her training.  And we see a change in his emotions: his shadows, aka his inner voice, end up calming.  The restlessness in him eases.  He feels content and calm around Gwyn, even after what happened with Elain and Rhys.

Ariel dipped his head in a sketch of a bow, something restless settling in him. Even his shadows had calmed. As if content to lounge on his shoulders and watch.

I truly don’t understand how people take this as Gwyn manipulating Az with her “lightsinger” abilities.  Because he starts with so many negative emotions, and walks out calm.  The restlessness in him eased.  That’s nothing nefarious, it’s a good thing!  So many sentences when he’s teaching Gwyn show that this is a good thing.  

So we see this switch in his emotions.  But let’s also talk about the several sentences that contrast with each other in the bonus chapter.  

We have a sentence that contrasts with the one I brought up before of him flying and making himself so cold he gets numb so he doesn’t feel anything.

Azriel tucked in his wings and left without another word, stalking through the house and onto the front lawn to sit in the frigid starlight. To let the frost in his veins match the air around him. Until he felt nothing. Was again nothing at all.

"Again," he ordered, rubbing his hands against the cold, grateful for its bracing bite and the distraction of this impromptu lesson.

When he left Rhys, he was nothing, and the cold made him feel nothing.  But during this lesson, he’s still cold but he’s a teacher to Gwyn.  He is something.  He has a healthier way of coping with his feelings when he’s with Gwyn.

He also says this to Gwyn:

“Happy Solstice," Azriel said before aiming for the archway into the House. "Don't stay out too much longer. You'll freeze."

This is adorable and ironic and sweet and ugh...such a good little nod to the details SJM brought up before.

When Azriel leaves the training pit, we get another sentence that uses “he found himself” in this bonus chapter:

Before it was, “He found himself leaving the room. Entering the foyer.” And at the end of the BC we get, “Instead, he found himself at the library beneath the House of Wind, standing before Clotho as the clock chimed seven in the evening.”

SJM is using identical phrases to kind of draw a circle in Az’s journey throughout this bonus chapter.

 He finds himself at the library, and the chapter ends with Az thinking of Gwyn smiling and something sparks in his chest…it brings a smile to his own face.

She deserves something as beautiful as this. I thank you for the joy it shall bring to her.  Something sparked in Ariel's chest, but he only nodded his thanks and left. He could picture it, though, as he ascended the stairs back to the House proper. How Gwyn's teal eyes might light upon seeing the necklace. For whatever reason . .. he could see it. But Azriel tucked away the thought, consciously erasing the slight smile it brought to his face. Buried the image down deep, where it glowed quietly. A thing of secret, lovely beauty.

And that last sentence: a thing of secret lovely beauty…that was used before when describing the necklace that he gifted to Elain but she ended up returning.

The golden necklace seemed ordinary- its chain unremarkable, the amulet tiny enough that it could be dismissed as an everyday charm. It was a small, flat rose fashioned of stained glass, designed so that when held to the light, the true depth of the colors would become visible. A thing of secret, lovely beauty.

The way this chapter flows, the way we compare these moments of him with Elain and him with Gwyn; the way we see how his emotions change…t’s so fucking important.  And I truly feel like this bonus chapter is just screaming to us that E/riel is done and Gwynriel is endgame.  

The chapter starts with Elain and ends with Gwyn.

(I did a three part series of my thoughts and analysis of the Azriel bonus chapter and this post is a summary of part 3! Shameless link for some shameless promo lmao)

[willowhistle]

how season 4 of tvd should have gone (klaroline edition):

- caroline breaks up with tyler near the start of the season like the writers should’ve done

- she partly blames klaus for their breakup (rome wasn’t built in a day okay)

- but then after having the best date w him at the miss mystic thing in exchange for a hybrid she starts to warm up to him (+ the date didn’t end when it did, instead of going to talk to stefan straight away after, she comes home late because she spent most of the evening sat talking with klaus - and she’ll totally deny it - but she was so caught up in talking to him that she barely realised everyone from the event was long gone and they were still sat on that bench together) he totally offers to drop her off home like the gentleman he is btw but she says no and decides she’s spent enough time w klaus for the day

- cue confused and conflicted caroline

- tyler and hayley still try and kill klaus w the hybrid plot but caroline isn’t involved bc she’s not w tyler anymore. oh and klaus kills hayley instead of making the stupidest decision of his life

- klaroline still have their spat though before going to find bonnie and the 12 witches and that whole “you’re in need of comfort” scene plays out the same too bc they wouldn’t be klaroline without the back and forth arguing and conflicting feelings and denial

- but when the gilberts kill kol and trap klaus inside of the house, caroline’s a lot more gentle about it

- but klaus still ends up biting her bc despite the fact they’re not together tyler would still probably care about her to some degree and he’d ofc be running his mouth so klaus would feel like he’d have to get back at him

- and i could never want to get rid of the scene where he chooses her over revenge against tyler (and realises how important caroline is to him)

- that all plays out as normal but instead of her leaving the next day as if nothing happened i’d like to think she stays w klaus until the barrier is lifted. he’s definitely shocked by that decision (and so is she tbh but her bleeding heart is making the choice on that one and despite her head telling her to go leave and help her friends who hate the guy she’s currently sat with, she can’t help listening to her heart that’s demanding she stay sat with him)

- and they both totally start out rlly snarky with each other bc they have issues let’s be honest. but she eases up and becomes a lot softer when he first mentions kol to her since his death.

- and he becomes a lot softer every time he looks at her bloodied shirt from where he staked her bc while he’s not one to feel guilt or regret, caroline manages to bring out these new feelings within him

- and by the time the barrier is lifted they both feel a lot more calm. they practically melted into the other’s presence. and they know a lot more about each other. like caroline could now list 10 historical figures that klaus has met and how his encounters w them ended (some a bit bloody). and klaus could tell you all the things caroline enjoys about being a vampire (bc she finally admitted that she prefers herself this way after a gentle nudge from klaus) - although he could probably tell you that before their conversation

- but life gets in the way again and caroline goes to deal w her friends (who question her endlessly about where she’s been but don’t actually care about the answer beyond annoyance at her bc they’re busy discussing what they’re gonna do next about the cure)

- but if caroline finds herself not running away the next time she’s alone at the grill and klaus goes up to her, she can’t blame anything except for this weird longing she has to talk to him or just spend time with him.

- so she does

- klaus 100% goes home all giddy and blushing after spending time w caroline for something that’s not a distraction, or a plot, or life or death, but just them two and nothing else in between.

- caroline on the other hand goes home expecting to freak out and feel angry with herself or disappointed but struggles to bc how could she when she feels so light and relaxed for the first time in ages (if she’s really being honest with herself, for the first time since she spent the day with klaus at the miss mystic event)

- cue caroline not putting up w as much of non humanity elena’s BS because she has klaus whispering in her ear half the time to not just sit there and take it. and that it’s not her issue to worry about elena to the point of coddling or treat her as something fragile.

- when silas gets in klaus’ head most of that goes the same. i mean they’d probably be a lot more friendly w each other (?) but they’d still have that big argument w the whole “don’t turn your back on me” bc again it’s a big point for klaroline in my mind

- but it definitely ends a lot different in my head (with a kiss, or a make out session bc all that tension and then relief at none of the pain being real has to go somewhere)

- the clean up would be a tad more awkward after bc caroline would NOT want to address the kissing, but she doesn’t immediately run out on him after which says tons

- him thanking her having more longing eye contact than it did in the show (somehow), and caroline’s reaction to the “friends, then?” line from klaus having a MUCH more different meaning. bc they’d just done something far beyond friendly. but she’s not going to be the first to address it… yet

[pixelyssa]

The love of my life has been ignoring/stone walling me, and today it led to a HORRIBLE binge. I couldn’t stop, I was sobbing. I feel disgusting

I guess I’m wondering.. what advice do you have for preventing large binges like that?

hi lovey

first, im sorry about that.. i hope their gears start working properly and they talk to you soon 🩷

i don’t struggling with b1nging personally, and it’s not a flex, its just b1nging is a term i’ve been told not to use here. because for me, its still less than a “normal 1ntake” when i “overe@t” but i def know the disgusting feeling afterwards and the guilt/regret.

(i have to clarify that or i get threats)

anyways!! seems to me like it was obv triggered by ur problem w whoever this person is… like the b1nge was your coping skill.

so to answer ur question on preventing it, make a list of other coping skills you know work.

-distraction coping skills (to name a few: shows, documentaries, youtube, music, games, call/text a friend, read, coloring/drawing, writing, cleaning, showering, exercise, nap) these don’t fix ur problem ofc but itll distract u from the big feelings and unhealthy coping skills, and eventually (hopefully) you will regulate & be safe! a lot of people on this side of tumblr dont realize the distractions we use to avoid e@ting are usually good for us. deciding to go on a walk or take a shower instead of r3lapse in soemthing?? hell ya

-problem focused coping skills! (ex: asking for help, text/call a hotline, deep breathing, establishing boundaries outloud “i will not ___” or “i am not ____” etc) these are harder to do when ur having big emotions because your brain doesnt think “yes lets do some hard self refelction!!

but i wanted to give some examples so you have some incase you can’t think of any rn.

like i said, write it down. that way when this happens, or even other negative things, you have all ur tools in one spot. notes app, a journal, whereva 🩷

besides that, sometimes its alr too late to choose another coping skill. i can only recommend if you give in and you know youre gonna, to try these things

-put the f00d on a plate (small ones r best for me in this situation) that way im not having a whole bag of cookies/chips its just a couple on a plate

-i also get rid of any f00ds that would be dangerous during a b1nge for me lol. ik some people live with others and they can’t do this, but when im rlly hungri my only options these days are strawberries or carrots with hot sauce 😭 so maybe thatll help? if theres no f00d, theres no b1nge?

-watching true crime or g0re helps me bc it makes me unable to e@t the f00d in front of me 😭 sorry if this is crazy but… like maybe when ur upset like that and you have tried to do the healthy coping skills and just still wanna b1nge… you could just watch some true crime? 😭😭

-managing ur daily 1ntake could also help. ik sometimes even if ur full you can get the b1nge urges, but yk it genuinely could be that ur not having enough per day to function and ur stomach is sending those urges to ur brain.

kinda all over the place ik. i havent been active for a bit im going through it 🤭 anyways i feel so bad for u why tf is ur person ignoring u 😭 idk what i would do 💔 i hope this was a little helpful atleast’

ily stay safe xoxo🩷

[loosethreadsofyoursoul]

it’s never too late by steppenwolf (aka the song from the end of 13x5) is thee dean winchester song. let me elaborate.

(i haven’t seen any posts about this so if there are any i would love to know about it bc i am passionate about this.)

firstly, i could pick that entire scene apart with how it relates to dean and what he’s going through as well as all the symbolism—the mother losing her child, billie in death’s library, the shots of the impala, the neon signs in shot when they finally drive up to cas—but honestly i would never run out of things to say about it.

the overarching themes of both that scene and this song are regret and guilt and wishing you could go back and do things, treat people, differently, and so putting them together in that way is perfect. more specifically, the song is about a man who had all these ambitions, mostly because of pressure from his parents, but finds himself grown up having achieved none of them and because of that, it starts to affect the people around him. sound familiar?

especially right now, dean is suffering so much loss, and (somewhat inadvertently) is taking it out on sam and jack, both his kids in a way (on your woman and your child / you release your bitterness). all he wants is his family back (i.e. mary and cas) but since there’s nothing he can do to go back and fix what took them away from him, he has a lot of trouble seeing the point in going on.

although you’re trained to make your mark / you still don’t quite know what to do

yeah. he’s lived like that for a while, but he’s especially feeling it now. his reaction to billie telling him he still has work to do was not exactly enthusiastic.

as he says to sam in this ep, he’s taken every previous loss in stride and just kept going, kept working, and (in some ways) kept starting over despite it all. but he might not be able to do it anymore. we’re seeing him at his lowest, all he wants is to die, but he’s finally let sam in, even if neither of them are sure where to go from here. and what happens next? his phone rings, and his best friend is on the other end.

we all know there’s a stark difference in dean from one episode to the next (13x6 is tombstone), and why is that? dean got the win he needed. he got cas back, and he’s no longer just watching time slip by until his death. a reason to live just walked back into his life. he’s learning that, maybe, it really is never too late.

this happens a lot for dean, specifically with losing cas, where it feels like he’s finally lost for good this time, but he’s always managed to get cas back or to find some way to keep going.

another line i find very fitting for dean is in the second verse:

the god of your childhood you can’t find / to save you from your emptiness

obviously, this could be about chuck and how unreliable he is, especially when dean (and sam) needs him most, which we saw most recently at the end of 13x1. (“the god of your childhood” could also be the samulet, but thats a different discussion.)

again, there’s a lot of lines that i think reflect dean’s character and everything he’s been through really well, but rather than enduring the essay i could write about it, go (re)listen and you’ll see what i mean. it’s just so beautifully fitting, especially given it’s 60s/70s rock which i think dean would appreciate.

that ending scene of dean and cas seeing each other again, particularly with that song in the background, is one i think about a lot and, to me, is criminally underrated in terms of destiel moments. it’s one of my favs and it makes me cry like a baby.

so yes, it’s never too late by steppenwolf is THEE dean winchester song and i hope you agree. it’s also just an excellent song tbh go listen to it and cry with me xx

[solitaireships]

Untitled Investigative Minds Ficlet

Alright, final fic for the night, thank you all for dealing with the influx of pieces from me lol. Yes this is another very personal one bcs this is basically me living the fantasy of my f/os comforting me when I'm getting really bad period cramps bcs the ones that wake you up in the middle of the night truly are an evil creation

Also, the debut of me shipping with Strahm! This takes place in an AU separate from the usual Missing Piece canon, with this being a modern AU. I don’t have the full specifics of the AU, but Mark and Shepard are married in it and Strahm is Mark’s bf and Shepard’s qpp

Rating: Teen

Genre: Fluff

Words: 768 words

Divider by saradika

Content warning: periods + period cramps

The first night of Shepard’s period is always the worst. It’s not unusual for her to wake up in the middle of the night feeling like her insides are tearing themselves apart— something that happened tonight at 3 in the morning. The time she spent in the bathroom barely helped with the pain and nausea, and the Advil she took hasn’t kicked into effect as she made her way back into bed. 

Getting back into bed is harder than it used to be. Shepard shared a bed with just Mark for years, but now that she shares a bed with both her husband and his boyfriend, she has two people to navigate around to get to her spot in the middle of the bed. Mark is snoring, and she’s pretty sure that Peter’s asleep, but it’s hard to tell for sure. She knows Mark’s a deep sleeper, so she climbs over him, slotting in between him and Peter and hoping she didn’t bother either of them. 

She cuddles up to Mark’s side, hoping the painkiller she took will take effect so she doesn’t keep feeling like she’s about to throw up. Maybe then it’ll be easier for her to go back to sleep. 

Shepard lays in silence for a moment, trying not to get too caught up in her discomfort. She can’t help but let out a soft, pained noise that she tries to muffle against Mark’s shoulder. She must not have completely silenced the noise, though, because she feels a hand brush against her side and Peter shifts closer to her. 

“Are you alright?” he grumbles, his voice rough with sleep. 

“I’m fine. Sorry if I woke you up,” she says. 

“You were in the bathroom for a while,” he comments. “What’s wrong?”

Shepard feels a pang of guilt in her chest at that. She must have woken up him when she got out of bed originally. That had to have been thirty minutes or so ago now. She hopes he got at least a little sleep before she just woke him up again. 

And she hopes that explaining what’s wrong won’t be too awkward. She hates having to talk about this with people.

“Sorry. I… I’m on my period,” she says. 

“Cramps, then?” Peter asks. 

“And nausea.”

“I don’t think mine ever got to the point of waking me up in the middle of the night. At least not often.”

“You’re a lucky man,” Shepard says, as dry as she can. 

“Even luckier now that I don’t have them anymore,” Peter says.

“God, yeah.”

Peter cuddles closer to Shepard. She can feel his breath on the back of her neck with how her hair’s pulled back into a bun, and the warmth of it is pleasant. 

Just being with Peter is pleasant, though. Shepard hadn’t expected getting close to him like this. When Mark started flirting with him, she had figured what they had would stay between just the two of them, with Peter being able to fulfill Mark’s needs in ways that Shepard couldn’t. But things evolved between the two of them, going from coworkers-with-benefits to boyfriends, and as Peter got more involved in Mark's life, he also got more involved in Shepard’s. And, like she did with Mark, she ended up liking him a lot more than she expected. 

Shepard doesn’t love Peter in the same way, though. What she has with Mark is romantic. Her and Peter’s relationship is better described as queerplatonic. It’s still new, but it’s exciting. At least when she’s not regretting her entire life because of cramps. 

Relief floods over her though as Peter wraps his arms around her, sliding his hands under her shirt. They’re warm, and he rubs gentle circles into her stomach. The combined pressure of Peter against her back and Mark to her front is soothing too, allowing her tense muscles to relax. 

Shepard sighs. “Strahm.”

“Is that good for you?” he asks. 

“Great,” she says. 

“Then close your eyes and go to sleep. I’m not going to do this forever,” Peter says. His tone is snippy, but she knows he’s just putting on an act. 

Peter likes to go through life with a prickly outer shell, keeping anyone from getting too close. But Shepard knows him well enough to know he would keep doing this as long as he had to, even if he would complain about it. He’s nicer than even he likes to admit. 

“Thank you,” she says. “And good night.”

“Good night, Shepard,” Peter replies. He plants a quick kiss on the back of her neck. “Now go back to sleep.”

[hypergamiss]

I feel so drained all the time bc I’m living in my toxic parents home. Thanks to the economy, and my binge eating issue, it’s been a struggle to save money. I get in arguments all the time with my mom, especially regarding how chill she is with my troublemaker younger siblings versus how my sister and I were raised. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so full of rage on how unfair things are. I listened to her two years ago when I could’ve transferred colleges, but she (and dad by extent) guilt tripped me into staying home, and wasting my money on online classes that went nowhere. Due to depression I began binge eating, it’s the only thing that makes me feel better tbh. I’ve wasted sm money, and my teeth are messed up due to all the sugar.  /: I feel stuck. I know I should be trying to move forward but I feel so depressed, no $ for therapy tho of course. I know I’ll regret it but I can’t seem to move forward. The anger keeps me in place. Could go into detail about how I wasn’t allowed to do anything in hs or even make friends, even community college I went to a super small one w no opportunities. I had sm ambition, sm drive, all feels like it’s been argued out of me. I’m tired of my words being misconstrued, of always being seen as a selfish bad person. I’m just done with it all. I want to give up sometimes, just throw my hands up and say f it, and keep binging, keep wasting $, and not caring about anything. But a tiny part of me does want to improve which is why I’m messaging you. 

Toxic family dynamics mixed with a crappy economy is a recipe for burnout. But here's the thing: you're still here, and that tiny spark wanting to improve? That's your inner warrior, not ready to give up! Try looking at things through this lens:

Your Parents are NOT the Economy: Yes, things are tough, but focusing on how they guilt-tripped you won't open a savings account. Let's ditch the blame game (for now) and focus on what YOU can control.

Binge-Eating as Rebellion: I get it. When control is taken away, we sometimes find it in destructive ways. That sugar rush is a temporary middle finger to those unfair rules. But girl, your teeth and your temple(body) deserve better!

Channel the Rage: You want to give up? Fine! But instead of giving up on yourself, give up on caring what they think! Use that anger to fuel a job search, create a hustle, literally ANYTHING that screams, "Screw you, I'm taking my life back!"

Tiny Steps > No Steps: Therapy is out of reach for now, but there are free mental health resources online. Even just journaling out that rage is better than letting it consume you. You are much stronger than you think.

"Selfish" is the New Self-Care: Remember those ambitions? It's time to be ruthlessly selfish about reclaiming them. Not the kind that harms others, but the kind that says, "My dreams matter, and I refuse to let them die here."

It won't be easy, and there may be slip-ups. But even posting this shows you're not fully down for the count. Dust yourself off, get scrappy, and use that anger to prove everyone (including yourself) wrong. You deserve better, and sometimes, the only way out is through.

[dejjablu]

Hi I just wanted to reach out and tell you that i brainrot over your art and style so much……….. I love ur Bilbo in the fellowship au and I wanted to ask - is Bilbo the ring bearer in this AU? Bc like….. the angst potential……

AA SOBS that means so much… I’m cry-

I was honestly thinking a lot about this.. and I think I’ve ultimately ended on based of what I think gandalf said during the council of elrond in the book - that bilbo could not take the ring himself on the journey cause it has now been passed to frodo. So bilbo can’t take it himself but he refuses to let frodo go alone in this.. so he comes with as like a secondary ring bearer.. and still feels very angsty of how bilbo feels the regret and guilt for accidentally giving this burden and evil upon his nephew.. now doing everything he can to help him and be a crutch on the journey ((((‘:

[dreamii-krybaby]

Oh god my silly goofy brain can’t stop but hi again! Its been a long time I wanted to post this somewhere so why not here?

Thoughts on the show Murder Drones:

Heads up: I personally suck when it comes to expressing thoughts or ideas,so sorry in advance if I all of this is a mess or gives a wrong idea,all of this are just my thoughts and opinions,if you disagree with them thats ok! Just be respectful

So as for now I have watched and seen every single official content of MDs and boi its a blast of a series! I originally knew Glitch Productions from Meta Runner! Anyways

I love the series,but like with everything,it has its problems

The humor in the show was a bit too “on the nose” for me in the pilot,but the jokes have grown in me,and EP2 nails it with my humor taste!

As for the animation? Stunning but it does bother me a little but that is has a lot of problems with clipping,especially the pilot but EP2 doesn’t seem to have as many as the pilot. The clothing of the characters sometimes look…wonky? I guess thats how I would describe it?

And as for the writing? I feel like it has a lot of potential but it seems like thats cut short due to the fact that the series is going to be short (being around 8 episodes according to the fan wiki) and also with the amount of minutes episodes have (I wouldn’t mind having to wait longer for 40 mins episodes of MDs) so some concepts seem to has a really fast pace for me

I think my main problem with is Ns redemption arc,Now now put down your pitchforks please-

I don’t mind N switching sides since the pilot,its more of its execution…it felt a tad bit rushed

I would have enjoyed that before N spared Uzi,in the time they were bonding in the ship,bc at that time N thought Uzi was a DD, I would have liked if they talked about how they feel around other people. Like maybe uzi could make a joke or a reference on how shitty school is for her,how her people reject her,maybe that she is constantly alone and doesn’t feel loved by her father. And the both could bond over the fact they are outcasts and desperate of approval or affection. This could make N sparing Uzi as more of “the last straw” since he already knows how shitty people treat her,seeing her dad leaving her for dead be “the nail in the coffin” for him. Basically make them bond over their shared problems before Uzis spare.

I understand that Ns killing spree in the pilot happened bc he wanted to get rid of Uzis railgun,but he also wanted to take down Uzi too and he also killed a bunch of WDF members. If he truly wanted to just get rid of the gun he could have simply stole it and destroy it but he didn’t why? Because he wanted to “give his best” but I feel like that didn’t come to me after a few weeks of analyzing it (or maybe am stupid) So make this man show his desperation,show this cinnamon roll desperation for approval even if it means killing innocents,he wants nothing more but the safety and approval of his co-workers and the company to extreme lengths.

Anyways back to him switching sides,I want the this boyboss to suffer- OK OK HEAR ME OUT PLEASE-

N does show regret from all the mass murder,but lets make that shit even better. I want to see N having a existential crisis,I want him to be consumed by guilt by the fact he killed thousands,ruined countless of families and gave them insane amount of trauma.

I want him to deal with the fact he did horrible things and there is nothing he can do to fix it. I want him to be scared of himself . I want Uzi to be hesitant of befriending him,maybe even sometimes getting flashbacks from their first encounter making her afraid of N,making N feel horrible about himself.

I want him to go “well,I definitely have done horrible things that can’t be undone,but I can change for the better”

Like please it would be the perfect arc for him PLEASE-

And of course,I want to see some WDs still be terrified,angry,scared of him. Like even of he saves a bunch of WDs some of them will still resent N for all the damaged he has causes in the past. He could Encounter WDs who had scaped from him,family members or friends of the ones he killed,and they simply can’t bear to trust him which is completely valid

It could also be a nice contrast to Uzi’s arc,Him having a redemption arc and having to earn some of the colony’s trust and accept the fact that he can’t be trusted by everyone unlike Uzi’s arc which is literally a Villian arc and loosing trust of everyone around her that she slowly gained

Edit: Btw I am aware that N wasn’t malicious or anything and just simply following orders,this is more after he switches sides,like after he realizes WDs were actually innocent lil dudes vibing,all of this is more of a “oh shit,oh fuc-“ moment

I also want to see Js backstory,maybe a bit more depth for her,I hope we get a backstory for her and it explains her hatred for N

I hope to also see a bit if more Vs character and development! She wasn’t really someone I was interested in until EP2 (Damm EP2 was really a step up)

I honestly enjoy most of the character because they aren’t simply “good or bad” (except for J,lizzy,they are jerks. Thad is literally a saint. And also I don’t personally consider Khan being “bad”,like yeah he fucked up he isn’t malicious or evil)

Speaking of khan…I actually grown on him,no joke,let me explain

Yes he left Uzi for dead,which is horrible but understandable. The more you look at it my man was having a ptsd attack,he was shaking for gods sake,he probably wasn’t thinking straight. He also showed deep guilt in doing it

Yes information gotten from the backgrounds have shown he prefers doors over Uzi and in an interview he calls her a disappointment,which is horrible but some of his thoughts process are understandable or have changed (I think)

At the end of EP2 he does show genuine care for Uzi he just..sucks at parenting which can happen! You can care for someone and want to but your execution sucks ass

I honestly find his character fascinating,it seems (and I hope) that the direction they are going to take his character is from being a shitty father to improving as one

I have rarely seen parental characters who start shitty but later improve for the sake of their loved ones,which is super fun and can have wholesome moments

(Btw am not justifying Khans actions,am just telling you that they are understandable)

Also the ending of episode EP2 has shown that Khan may have some tension with N,which is valid honestly and I am excited how it will play out

Also we need more content of Thad,Uzi and N bonding together (I call them the TUN squad)

I also want Lizzy character development,please give the lesbian development like her gf. I only slightly like her bc of her funny moments and bc she is pretty.

Also am so sorry but the WDs school uniform needs a redesign am so sorry- like what are those colors??? They look fine by themselves but they don’t match with the color pallet of the students!

I also prefer Dolls hair color from her concept art or from the pilot,and I want Lizzy to have pink tips in her hair like her concept art

Also I know I want the idea of the boyboss going through a complex redemption arc but I need more Evil laughs from this man..please…🛐🛐🛐🛐 His short ass evil chuckle from the pilot and the teaser makes me go 🛐🛐🛐 (as you can see I am very down bad for this man)

[vigilskeep]

Hi, I'm not sure if you've talked about this before but how did Merrils act 3 quest end up with Keir? How did both of them feel/communicate after what happened?

first thing to say: i alter canon a little for this one. i pick the in-character dialogue option for keir, and that inexplicably forces you to kill the entire clan. i can’t accept the game canon on that one, because, you know, ludicrous and horrible writing choice i want nothing to do with. so, since i do think it’s realistic considering keir’s conflict resolution skills or lack thereof and what marethari had been telling the clan for there to have been a fight, i include the small fight with the hunters when you come out of the cave, but no harm to the rest of the clan. in my view that’s more than enough damage to account for merrill’s dialogue afterwards and keep the rest of the plot intact

anyway, that disclaimer also covers how it ends up, i guess. friendship route, goes without saying. i can’t think of anyone whose judgement keir trusts as thoroughly as he does merrill’s. what else to say... this quest was obviously a horrible time; he loves merrill, she’s so worrying to listen to in act 3 especially prior to this resolution, and she straight up asked him to come so he’d kill her if necessary. pretty much the worst outcome he can imagine. keir doesn’t think she’ll fail so he doesn’t think that he’ll have to do it, but he never breaks his word, and even if he hates it he knows demons are dangerous and wouldn’t betray merrill by preventing her from taking the precautions she’s chosen to take. having made that promise to merrill, that actually meant bringing fenris on this one to make sure someone was there who could fulfil the promise if it came to a fight with an abomination and keir couldnt do it. thats how seriously he took it

the major block in communication afterward is simply: keir fucking loathed marethari. what you have to understand is that keir’s life is centred around protecting mages and protecting family and the very first time he met marethari she pushed the inexperienced mage she was responsible for away and let her go off into templar-infested kirkwall alone and resourceless in the company of an aggressive complete stranger. not to mention the way she actively turns others of her clan against merrill even when it gets them killed for no reason (pol, the hunters, etc.) and never seems to even consider regretting it in six years, all in this stubborn attempt to make merrill change her mind and to do even worse damage than the insecurities keir thinks he can probably already blame marethari for. there are plenty of major actual game enemies he never reacted to so strongly. he bitterly regrets that her death should cause pain to merrill but that’s the extent of his regret and he blames marethari herself for the whole mess of this quest in the first place. if she hadn’t meddled, merrill would have handled it, as merrill in his experience always has. he never doubts this

so that means he struggles a bit to talk to merrill abt it all afterwards; he’s not very good at handling sensitive conversations at the best of times, and the last thing he wants is for a grieving merrill to have to deal with his anger when this isn’t abt him. but simultaneously he’s incapable of keeping quiet abt it if merrill expresses guilt over the situation because the fact that she has been made to feel like this is her fault is what incenses him in the first place. he does his best to communicate that. she’s more confident in her beliefs and i guess thus amenable to his point of view by this point in the friendship route anyway. he takes the option to encourage her to build community with the alienage elves, bc it’s good for her and bc he needs to know she’s got other people. i like to think of this as something she was doing already that he just supports, rather than how the game kind of presents it as hawke like, coming up w the idea

[sunlightmurdock]

is it just me or do others view baby seresin as the true instigator in mfiy. like bradleys immature and he owns it but ms girl is not behaving any better and she’s acting like some sort of martyr??? brads still a dumbass tho

okay lets talk about lil ms seresin.

I think that from chapter 1, she has been super mixed up in what she wants and needs. She followed Jake to university, she picked a career because it was going to make her daddy proud, she got good grades bc that’s what she was supposed to do. Then, enter this huge blip — she’s pregnant. The first thing in her life that she has to figure out on her own, and you can see that internal panic right from the beginning with her leaning on Jake and wanting Bradley to be involved.

Up until this point in her life, she has leapt every hurdle with great success and completed every kind of challenge that life has thrown her way. She gets it in her head that she can do this. And I think that Bradley’s initial freak out was fuelled by him feeling completely the opposite way: life has thrown him so many hardships and he really just didn’t want to put himself through another. I think both of them kind of have a ‘this isn’t fair’ complex about their lives that they work through in ways that can often put them at opposing sides.

I think she rushed into the decision to keep the baby because she was sure that she could do it, and in the beginning she was angry towards bc like ‘if I can grow up and be ready for this, then why can’t you?’. Then, she experiences all of this extra kind of struggle. With her parents, with her complicated relationship with Bradley and her kind of forced attraction to Ryan just bc she needed someone. And I think that leads us to chapter 20, where she has taken a step back and is really looking at the decisions she has made.

Like Bradley, a lot of her decisions have been somewhat immature and the way that she has treated those around her during her pregnancy hasn’t been the best. So now, she’s feeling all of this guilt. Wondering if she forced Bradley into a life he doesn’t want. If she has trapped herself into a life that she isn’t ready for.

She’s still super young (like 20/21 years old) and her life is about to change in this huge way. I think she’s finally kind of starting to mature enough to realize what she has gotten herself into and try to fix the things that she did wrong over the last seven months. I think that although there will be blips here and there, her and Bradley are both starting to look at this with a little more perspective — which is always going to lead to confusion and doubt. They both will have things that they regret / wish they did differently bc that’s life, but I think they’re moving in the right direction now.

[piggybonez]

my dad called me tonight to tell me happy birthday and ive gone my whole life feeling like i don’t really have a dad bc when he wasn’t physically absent he was emotionally absent but we literally talked for an hour and a half and i didn’t feel like I had to pretend the whole time. I told him that I have autism, that I’ve been struggling in school my whole life, and he’s still proud of me even though I dropped out. It feels good to be able to have a conversation with my dad for the first time. My heart hurts for him so bad. When he was 21 his brother died at 23 from drugs and I can’t imagine dying this soon. I also can’t imagine losing one of my siblings this soon. My family has been through so much. But I know the more I heal and break generational patterns the more I can have hope for my dad. He may be an alcoholic with problems but he at least has a better grip on reality than my mom ever will and for that I’m thankful. I’m just thankful I got to talk to him tonight, im thankful we actually had a good conversation and I could enjoy his company over the phone. I’m thankful he could listen to me talk and I could also listen to him.he may not get everything i have to say and I may have to have patience when it comes to getting him to understand me but I’m going to try my best. I’m going to try to not only be patient but also to be kind. Even when I get mad or frustrated with him I can’t give up. I don’t have much for family but I do have something, and that something means something and I don’t want to just abandon it or throw it away because it’s not perfect or stable.…and maybe as time goes on we can be closer and I won’t feel like such an orphan. I love my dad. I really genuinely love my dad. He works harder than anyone else I know. He’s had a hard life. He doesn’t have anyone besides his kids. I think it will be healing for both of us to have a relationship with each other. I have to appreciate the present for what it is and try. I have to be hopeful for the future. I don’t want to waste what years I have left being angry and disconnected from someone who loves me, even if I haven’t always felt loved by him. Even if a part of me is angry and resentful for the lack of presence throughout my childhood. I was convinced that my parents knew nothing. Nothing about me, nothing about the world, nothing about themselves. But sometimes my dad does know a thing or two and sometimes he does say things to me that feel like wisdom or advice. Like learning how to let go and move on with the future. I’m hurting a lot for the life my family never got to live. I feel so much guilt for being in the place I am now and for saying the things I’ve said to my parents. I told my mom to k!ll h3rself once. And even though I do think she’d be better off that way sometimes I regret it so much. I feel guilty and bad because she’s had such a hard life and I don’t want her to do that and I do admire her for still being alive through it all but she traumatizes everyone around her so bad she’s just fucking unbearable to even speak to for more than two minutes. Anyway I needed to express that I love my dad and that I’m thankful I have at least one parent in my life that can wish me a happy birthday and remind me that I’m loved. I love you dad and I’m proud of you and I’m thankful for all the ways you’ve provided for me and worked so hard…I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful to be loved. I am thankful for my dad. I don’t want to lose him ever.

[belphiesreverie]

hhhh i’m sorry for liking a bunch of your posts in a row but they’re just so good i can’t pause 😭 i just recently got to your genshin masterlist and saw you made a post asking for some more requests :3

if it’s not too late, would you be open to doing yandere hcs of albedo, kazuha and any others that you want where darling kinda finds out about what they’re like and what they’ve been doing so they go on to confront them—would they just admit to it or just lie and be like “no you’re crazy i’m not doing that 😐”? (bonus: darling confronting albedo but it’s fakebedo who’s there instead 😳)

if i missed a post or something explaining that requests were closed then feel free to delete/ignore, i don’t mean to overwhelm you or anything with this!! ^^)

Aaaa tysm, you’re too kind 😭💕💕

I also did Childe, Scara and Ayato bc I loved this prompt for them!

TW: yandere, gaslighting, manipulation

Immediately admits to it but doesn’t seem regretful in the slightest. Although he may try to feign it if it means you’ll forgive him

In all honesty, he probably wasn’t even trying that hard to hide most of what he was doing behind the scenes

He’s always intrigued by any and all reactions you make, and seeing how you’d react to being followed and having close friends disappear was a very interesting pool of information for him

Of course, he hadn’t expected you’d be able to trace them back to him, but your intelligence is something he adores you for

Confronting him about it will get him to stop; he’s gathered all the data he wanted from this little endeavour. But he’ll definitely be replacing this experiment with a new one to gather even more data on you

Immediately admits to it and is apologising profusely before you even finish your accusations

He’d managed to justify his actions to himself throughout the whole ordeal, insisting that he was just protecting you

He needed to walk you home every night, even if you weren’t aware he was there for most of them, just to make sure you got home safely. He needed to threaten those people to stay away from you, they were just going to use and hurt you

But when you confront him yourself, he can’t keep lying to himself about his actions being harmless to you. They caused you stress and paranoia, and it’s all his fault

In the end, his sincere and heartfelt apology will most likely convince you to forgive him and to propose that you put this situation behind you, which he is more than thankful for

Although, you can help but feel that his apology may have been a little less sincere than you’d originally thought…

Gaslight gatekeep girlboss

Let’s not get this wrong, he’s by no means trying to be convincing. No, he knows that he’s been found out and that there’s no convincing you he’s innocent

But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t extremely entertaining to watch you scramble to justify your accusations to him

Besides, no matter if he admits to it or not, there’s nothing you can do about it. He’s a harbinger, nobody is going to voluntarily interfere, especially not against him

So he’s much rather keep this entertaining game of cat and mouse going by denying every accusation you throw at him, all with that cheeky little grin spread across his face

Absolutely refuses to admit it, if only because he’s embarrassed but he’d also refuse to admit to that

You really think that him of all people is so interested in you that he’d go out of his way to personally find out everything about you and follow you around? How narcissistic can you be?

The whole situation turns into a massive argument, with you consistently providing tangible evidence and Scara adamantly refusing every bit of it

Eventually it ends when Scara asks what you’d even be able to do about it. He’s still not admitting guilt, but also lording his status and power over you now. So you drop the topic and leave by asking him to stop

Will he though? Absolutely not. You’ve wounded his pride so much by showing how badly he hid that now he’s going to openly do all the things you’ve accused him of just to remind you who holds the power in this situation

Gaslight gatekeep girlboss 2: electric boogaloo

Unlike Childe though, Ayato is extremely convincing in this situation. He has you doubting all your evidence the moment he starts to respond

It took a lot to build up the courage to accuse the head of the Kamisato clan of stalking you and using his power to get rid of those close to you, but all that courage leaves your body when you see how saddened he is that you’d bring these accusations against him

Of course it wasn’t him. He barely has any time to rest, how could he be following you around every second of the day. He’s a reputable and kindhearted man, he’d never dream of doing anything like that. He doesn’t even need to refute more than one of your claims before you’re the one apologising to him

But he’s so kind, and he understands that you’re clearly shaken by these incidents. Ayato is more than happy to allow you to stay in his estate until you feel safer. He’ll even stay by your side when you want to go out to help ease your worry

— — —

Want to read more? Here’s my masterlist!

Join the discord! We don’t bite 💕

[peachesandmilktea]

I actually think I already previously sent in an ask similar to this but just to be sure I’m requesting it again (so if you see something similar, just ignore - also, I’m so sorry for spamming..) 😊

Squid game au idea:

-Player Dabi x Reader - where Dabi is secretly a VIP participating in the game „just for fun“ (like the old man in the show). He grows a softspot for the reader and keeps her alive until the end where he planned on killing her lastly (ya know bc he’s a sadist and shit and doesn’t expect to develop feelings for her) but surprise he does (develop feelings that is) and as the final test he offers himself up to see if the reader would kill him willingly just to win the money/the game but she can’t bring herself to - she’s really distressed and has a mental breakdown and you know she’s just really not feeling very well at this point but Dabi ends the game by letting her live and comforts her (I know this is all very soft but we haven’t seen too much soft!Dabi yet and also, feel free to add your details to it) This can go a lot of ways but the main plotting would be VIP!Dabi disguised as a Player x Reader.

Squid Game AU - Infiltrated VIP Guest!Dabi x Player!Reader

Squid Game AU Masterlist.

Tw : Soft Yandere Dabi, Mentions of Violence and Murder (in the context of the game), Dabi is a VIP Guest who disguises himself as a Player and takes part in the game just for fun.

She was sweet. Kind. A little ray of sunshine, even when the blood of her friends coated her clothes, hands, face.

She'd wash the scarlet stains off with a sad smile on her lips, unshed tears gleaming in her pretty eyes after every single game, every single death. Their names would roll on her tongue in low murmurs, last tribute that she could pay them as their corpses were taken away to be burned or defiled in those pretty present boxes, and Dabi often wondered if she believed that soon she would join them.

Maybe, maybe not. It's not like he would allow it anyways.

No, Dabi had a plan for her. For the girl who’d insisted on sharing her tiny little sandwich when she saw him eye it hungrily. For the girl that took his hand before each game and promised they’d get out of this nightmare together, unsure of who she was trying to convince. For the girl that whispered good night in his ear each night before she’d curl up in fear in her own bed, not knowing that the man she naïvely decided to trust was putting her through hell for his own amusement.

It had been entertaining. She'd been entertaining.

Which was why her death was to be saved for last.

He'd rigged the game all along. Stolen a few marbles from her adversary to slip them into her pocket, pushed her towards that last number right before the glass bridge game, taken her on his team for the tug of war even though she was weak and frail next to him. All because he knew there was no way he could lose, not when he was a VIP, the very person to protect at all costs for the organizers of this deadly competition.

He was a King of this world, rich and powerful. A person that had everything except the excitement he desperately craved, that bathed himself in blood and gore with the hope that he’d find a sliver of amusement in the pain of others.

He wondered if he'd find such a thing in her suffering.

It’s just us two for the last game then,” she said, hands trembling as she took hold of the knife that had been presented to her during dinner. It looked too big for her clumsy hands, a deadly weapon not meant to be held by such gentle fingers.

“Are you scared?” He asked, voice low and deep. She glanced up at him and nodded slowly.

“I’m scared that only one of us will make it out of this. I’m scared that this wasn’t worth it after all.”

Her voice got softer with each word, tone regretful and pretty eyes now teary with guilt, with sorrow, with pain.

And then, quietly, almost a whisper.

"But I'm not scared of you," she said.

She should be, Dabi thought.

He was the monster from her worst nightmares, the wolf waiting for her to step outside the sheepfold. The man that would laugh as she fell, never to rise again. Never to watch him as she often did; as if she wondered how a man like him, made of sharp edges and cruel smiles, could end up holding the hand of the weakest little mouse before each bloodbath as if the contact could bring him comfort.

But there it was, the final game.

She would die, because he couldn’t lose, and there would be no winner. It wouldn’t be the first time for the violent competition and the ending didn’t matter. He’d had his fun, as had the other VIPs.

After all, what was she but another number in a crowd of nameless players, an unlucky girl who had led an unlucky life? Everything about her was pitiful, from her fearful nature to how she trusted so easily despite a lifetime of hurt at the hands of others. She’d told him about her past one night, spilling sad little tales with a gentle smile that never wavered, as if to tell him life is hard, but I’m okay.

She wouldn’t be kind in the end, he was sure. When presented with the chance to kill him and leave victorious, she’d choose the money. And if that was the last performance she gave before her hopes were destroyed with the reveal of his true identity, of how she’d been the pathetic victim of a deadly scam, then it was sure to be a great one. Maybe even the best prank he’d ever pulled on those dumbass players.

So, he’d play to the end. Pretend to lose hold of his knife so she could turn hers on him. Stumble and fall at her feet, make it so easy to slit his throat, despite knowing that she’d never be allowed to pierce his skin. He’d smirk at her, call her a dumb whore for thinking that she, a poor little girl that never has anything in life, could ever kill him when he held the world in the palm of his blood-soaked hands.

He’d have his entertainment then. In her pain, in her fear, in the betrayal of it all.

Except she gave up the game. At the very last second.

“Dabi, Dabi, get up,” she yelled, screamed, cried as he pretended to stumble, knife forgotten on the floor as she dropped to her knees beside him. She was cradling him with trembling fingers, holding him against her as if afraid he’d be lost forever otherwise.

She was so damn stupid.

“If you kill me, you win,” he reminded her. She wasn’t supposed to try and save him; she’d abandoned the lines he chose for her in this little play he’d crafted, the one where she’d try to attack him and he’d crush her heart under the sole of his boot. “I won’t call off the game, you have to do it.”

And then, there was the rage she hid inside her all long, coating her words in venom, burning through her veins as she grabbed his shirt, grip so tight it was turning her knuckles white.

“Are you stupid?” She screamed. “I won’t, I can’t, I’d never…”

She broke.

And as she held him in her arms, he felt her tears hit his face, drowning every cruel murderous thought that had been swirling through his mind since the game began.

“I’d rather die myself,” she breathed between two hurt, pained hiccups, and that was it.

He raised a hand to her cheek, wiping away the tears that trailed down the soft, flushed skin. Cradled her face in his palms, gentle despite the blood that often coated them.

“Hush, Princess, don’t cry. It’s over, you win.”

Because it was what she deserved, after all, and who was he to take it from her? Who was he to tear the sunshine from her heart, to kill the sparkles of kindness in her oh so beautiful eyes?

And who would he be if she couldn’t be his?

“No, I can’t win, you don’t understand, I can’t win,” she kept blabbering in panic, words falling from her lips fast and hard like raindrops in a storm. “You have to kill me, you have to, you have to!”

She didn’t even seem to notice that he sat up, that all of his injuries were fake, that he pulled her into his arms until she wailed into his chest. Dabi had never been kind, Dabi had never been gentle, but he tried his hardest as he softly stroked the shape of her spine in comforting movements, letting her wet the fabric of his shirt with her tears as long as she needed to.

“I’m not a player,” he whispered, lean fingers passing through her hair as her sobs died down. “You’re the last one alive. You win.”

And somehow, she froze at the reveal, as if the simple words I’m not a player were even scarier than the whole ordeal she’d been through, all because they bore a weight heavier even than the blood and gore he’d almost drowned her in.

They bore the weight of betrayal.

He kissed her forehead, softly, gently, uncharacteristic gestures for the monster of a man that he was, a single promise now rolling on his tongue.

“Don’t worry, Princess. I’ll take real good care of you from now on.”

———

Join my taglist?

Sorry I still made him a bit yandere, I was too into the dark squid game vibes 😭 I really liked exploring his POV though!!! The prompt was *chef’s kiss*, thank you so much!

And thank you @blueberrysam for the beta reading, you’re amazing!! ✨

Please tell me if you liked it ❤️

[hawkinsp0st]

no bc what makes the van scene so fucking tragic to me is i really feel that if will hadn’t been raised in a homophobic environment and had been truly able to say his feelings, then mike would have dropped everything. everything.

———

i mean, first, will would’ve had to spell it out for mike. he would’ve had to look into his eyes and say “i love you the way that you love el, and i want you to love me the same way. i know you won’t, but i want that, and that’s why i’m so torn up. but i know that you can’t—“ but that makes it finally click for mike.

he immediately would have taken a deep breath and cut will off (with that expression on his face from when he nodded in response to ‘ur scared of losing her’)— “no. no, i love you too. that way. the fight el and i had… it was about… it was about love. that type of love.”

“oh, mike,” will says, eyes wet with regret and guilt. “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to get in the middle of—to mess up what you and el—“

“stop saying that,” mike urges, eyes soft. “this isn’t your fault. none of this is your fault, will. it’s not…” mike squeezes his eyes shut in a hard blink for a moment. he’s got to say it, out loud, if he ever wants to admit it to el. “it’s not your fault i’m not in love with el.”

will’s breath is shaky, and the mood sober, as mike continues.

“i don’t know what’s going to happen when we find el. but this?” he scoffs, smiles, shakes his head, gestures between the two of them, relieved tears filling his eyes, because will has no clue what he just did for mike, that this is everything. “will, you have no idea. you have no fucking idea.”

he thinks of all the sleepless nights since will’s been in lenora. he thinks of the feeling he got when he spotted will out of the corner of his eye in the airport, will’s smile so bright it stunned him and he froze, and mike thought he had no choice but to force himself not to feel anything for risk of hurting el, for risk of being a horrible boyfriend—and, lying in the byers’ guest room that night, he let himself realize that it was also for fear of hurting will, making him uncomfortable because will wasn’t like that, and besides, he had thought, boys can’t want other boys that way, like how his dad had always pointed at it on the news and said “that’s not right.”

he wants to press on, wants to ask will how long. how long have you been holding this thing that just changed my entire life in ten seconds, sent everything crashing into place. how long have you been waiting to save me from myself.

but instead he only explains: “this makes it… worth it. how scary the future is, i mean,” mike continues, eyes downcast. “i still love her, you know… like, how i love my family. she is my family. she’s my best friend.”

will reaches out, hesitant, and puts his hand over mike’s. “she’s my family, too. none of us would be here without her. we’re going to find her,” will says nervously, “and we’re going to figure this out. together.”

mike smiles sadly and interlocks their fingers and they stay like that, thumbs occasionally rubbing over the other’s hand soothingly, until they get close to NINA. “together.”

———

and it would have been that easy. you can’t tell me otherwise.