#I wanted to explore how we survive trauma and then heal from it

[thatonebirdwrites]

Sneak peak on a Lena Luthor, Sam Arias, and Kara Danvers fic that has grabbed me by the throat and won't let go till I finish it

(Once I finish it, I'll throw it up on AO3.) Finished so will post weekly/bi-weekly until it's all up. Here's the link.

THE EVENT

Lena realizes something is very, very wrong when she feels the heft of a gun in her hand. The fog in her mind lifts slowly as she wrestles back her consciousness. She blinks and realizes she’s in a concrete room with a desk to one side.

But far more disturbing is her brother, Lex, who has pushed himself half-up with one arm, the other hugging his abdomen. The gun she holds points at him. Blood dribbles from his mouth. He laughs, and his words swim through the fog in her brain.

“It’s ironic, isn’t it? The very people you fight to protect. Do you know their truth?” He reaches up to grab a remote and turns on the televisions that make up a wall of the bunker.

Lena breathes in sharply. Bunker?

No, no, she can’t be alone with Lex. Bad things always happen.

Panic rises like bile in her throat. Her brother is speaking again, but his words can’t penetrate the growing haze in her head. She blinks at the televisions, but it blurs into a mosaic of color and faint soundscapes.

Her thoughts spark and sizzle like a broken circuit. She hyperventilates, lightheaded, as tears sting her eyes. The gun’s weight pulls her arms down. The fact her brother is bleeding out in front of her, while laughing, alarms her.

He believes this is checkmate. It’s not. Please, let me handle this.

The thought laces through her alarm and comforts her. The confidence in her other self dismantles her rising panic. Just like the last time in Kasnia during the self-destruct sequence. Time had warped for her, the fog saturated all awareness, until she woke in the cool air, the sky studded with stars. In her hands was an air duct grate, her clothes rumpled, one heel broken, and streaks of dirt on her legs and arms.

Oh.

Her other self must have fronted like in Kaznia. What is the last things she remembers? She briefly closes her eyes.

She had been escorted by armed guards to where her brother and Lillian waited in the Presidential room at the White House. Listened in horror at her brother’s rant of his victory over aliens. Saw evidence of Supergirl’s death. The terror that grabbed her by the throat had the fog boiling through her mind. No matter how hard she tried, she could not escape the Luthors.

Then nothing. Time evaporated until she wrestled her way out of the suffocating fog.

And here she wakes in a bunker, a gun in her hand, and her brother bleeding out in front of her.

“Do you see the lies they’ve woven? How they’ve abused your trusting nature? Your broken mind?” he continues with another irritating laugh.

He seeks to manipulate us again. Trust us. Lean into our anger.

Lena takes a steadying breath. That’s right. Her anger and horror at his brutal experiments and murder of aliens. The prison couldn’t hold him, cutting off his assets also failed — all facts she has factored into her calculations.

But this exact scenario is supposed to be the last resort. Her stomach curdles, bile on her tongue. Kieran, wait, what of the other plans?

We had to end the cycle, Lena. Otherwise, he’ll never stop coming.

Stop being cryptic. What the hell happened? She needs to reassess. There must be a better solution. She can still repair this somehow. Seek the Truth. Focus.

Fine. I confronted him and injected Harun-el as we agreed. He demanded we join his genocidal crusade. We are not his tool anymore. The solidity of the decision warms her from head to toe, even as her heart shatters at the sight in front of her.

Lena clears her throat and summons what strength she has left. “You’ve abused me, Lex. You have no ground to stand on.” She tries to avoid looking at the wall of televisions, for what is surely a cleverly crafted way to destroy her yet again. Like he always does. Her lip quivers, and she blinks back the urge to cry.

“Me? Your trusting brother?” Lex laughs then coughs blood into his hand. “I’ve given you the world, Ace. Only ever been truthful. Honed your skills. Do you still not see the truth? I’ve laid it out for you this time, you stubborn fool!”

Colors leech into grey in her periphery. Her limbs feel puppeted by her other self still. A rare moment of synergy but it leaves her nauseous and her head aching in a growing migraine.

“They’ve all been lying to you,” Lex continues as he laughs and spits up more blood. “Preying on your weaknesses.”

That’s you, Lena thinks. You’ve preyed on us.

But her curiosity overwhelms her, and she can’t ignore the televisions any longer. The scenes capture her gaze, and her ears roar with the orchestra Lex has woven into the security footage he’s stolen. Half the screens are footage from when Mercy attacked L-corp.

<<.....>>

Lena turns to Kara desperately. “No, Kara, you’re safer with me.” She can feel the grey fog pulling her toward the dark maw of her psyche. She reaches out to grasp Kara’s arm, the fabric of her cashmere sweater soft and comforting. As the emergency light goes off again, she slips deeper into her mind’s tumultuous seas.

Kieran rises forward, and her body transforms. Her shoulders straighten, her limbs more agile, her stance that of a fighter. Commands issue from her voice, but Lena can no longer discern meaning.

She wraps herself in the cold of shadows.

Time hiccups and coughs. Shots echo like thunder, safety doors drop like quakes, and the clatter of heels click against metal.

Is Kara okay? She needs to know. She swims through grey fog, until she pushes into consciousness again.

An uncomfortable weight hangs on her arm. Kara stands behind her, but Mercy holds the bigger gun of the Lexosuit. Fear curdles her stomach. Of course Mercy would hack through security to reach her experimental prototypes. Lena had built a lighter suit to be used for good. Not like this.

Lena, don’t. Let me handle this. Kieran’s smug confidence scratches into her thoughts.

Kara is still here!

Lena, we don’t have time to argue. Kieran surges to the front, and Lena watches as her body moves to block Mercy’s shot. “You did not see the upgrade. The arms hold more goods now.” A hint of excitement sweeps through her voice, the onset of a fight a thrill for Kieran, while Lena nears a panic.

Please, get Kara out of here. Lena struggles to keep them moving backward. Kara is behind her still, the door to the lab just a few feet away.

I said let me handle this. Anger filters through Kieran and burns against Lena’s presence.

Lena throws open the door. “Go, Kara.” Kara stumbles backward into the hallway, and she slams the door shut. The fog sears through her mind, Kieran’s anger pushing her back.

A blast tears through the air, but Kieran blocks the shot with their shield.

Except, Lena can’t let go fully. Kieran blocks and shoots, but Lena fumbles with the footwork. Kieran’s the fencer, not her. Mercy spars not only with the gloves but with caustic words. Kieran fights Lena for control, their dodging clumsy, their shots missing.

The fight warps and fizzles in her mind; the fog screeches through Lena’s consciousness.

She fumbles. Slams against metal.

“You aren’t deserving of the Luthor name,” Mercy says, her poison like barbs that sink into Lena’s insecurities.

Heat beams destroy the door, and Supergirl blasts into the room. Mercy is slammed against the wall, Supergirl’s arm against her throat. “No, you got that backwards,” Supergirl hisses, “the Luthor name isn’t deserving of Lena.”

Warmth floods through Lena at the strength and resolve in Supergirl’s words. A massive turnaround from the worldkiller crisis.

Stay focused. Don’t let your guard down until Mercy’s off the property. Kieran releases her hold, and Lena stumbles, back in full control. Already her mind shifts into overdrive to plan the exact route to verify the security of her building and her people.

<<....>>

This is a repeat of the Mercy incident. Where Lena couldn’t let go, and both of them co-fronted. It sparks a migraine, the grey in her periphery darkening, and her nausea worsening. She hates moments like this.

Let me handle this. We have him in a checkmate. The confidence in Kieran’s analysis softens the panic that has started to freeze her limbs. We know the Truth.

If there is one thing that unites Lena’s fractured psyche, it is an overwhelming need to protect those she loves. And her own brother has nearly killed her and her friends a dozen times over.

She’s exhausted, terrified, and wants this endless game of his to stop.

Lena raises her gun and shoots the televisions one at a time. The shards explode outward and rain down on her brother.

For once, Lex shuts the fuck up. His eyes widen.

The fog burns away the rest of her awareness.

She stumbles across wet grass, her clothes wet and clinging to her body, as the heavens pour down upon her. She’s outside the bunker in a stand of aspens. The sky sparks with lightning, the greyness suffocating.

You’re safe now. We all are. It’s okay. It’ll be okay.

Lena shouldn’t dig deeper. She knows it’s not healthy. Kieran has always protected her, held the worst of the horror. It’s how they’ve survived this far.

But this was her brother. And those screens showed Kara as not human. It makes no sense with what Kara claims. How does she reconcile it all?

Kieran, what did you do?!

What was necessary. Kieran’s confidence holds a trickle of grief and pain. We must seek help now, Lena. Focus.

She feels strange, unreal, like a pantomime of herself. The urge to lie in the mud, to let the rain wash her away, nearly overwhelms her. She pushes off a trunk and stumbles forward. Her hair falls in front of her eyes, sticking to her forehead and cheeks.

The images from the televisions ripple through her thoughts. Is that the Truth?

Yes. Now focus, Lena. We must call her.

Has Kara been deceiving her this whole time? She doesn’t want to believe it.

She’s given Kara her heart, far more than she ever meant to do, and yet, those videos sync with the disjointed mess of her memories. Bits and pieces that Kieran has held for her, scattered shards unlocked like the showers above.

Wait, did you know? Shock starts to shiver through her body.

That’s not important now. Call her.

Lena stumbles and falls. Her hands push into the mud and the world crackles with thunder. It’s too loud. Too bright.

It's all so wrong; she gags and spits out bile.

She wishes Kieran would take over again, to call for her, but her protective self has faded from awareness. Fatigue throttles all of her.

Her brother is likely dead in the bunker. By her own hand. Tears mix with the rain and her fingers dig into the mud. Her senses crackle with pain. She feels herself shrinking. The hairs on her arm raise, goosebumps from the cold, her body vibrating into oblivion.

She wants to go home.

Call her now. The thought is weaker, laced with grief.

“I know. I know,” Lena says it out loud to ground herself. To stop the shrinking, to avoid the inevitable pull of a switch. She shudders and leans against the trunk of a tree.

Focus on the goal. Break it into smaller steps.

She hugs her legs to her chest with one arm. Her other hand fumbles through pockets of her suit. Too many. Suit so wet. She feels slimy, gross, slipping toward the warmth of shadows.

Her fingers grasp he phone in her inner suit jacket. There’s two numbers on speed dial: Sam and Kara.

Her fingers hesitate over the two. She bites her lip, closes her eyes, and hits the button for Sam.

(To be continued on AO3, will edit in the link or drop in comments once up.) Note, this playlist was on repeat as I wrote this piece: Shattered Playlist

Edited.

[cripplecharacters]

How should you write/draw burn survivors? I know this isn't a drawing blog but I don't know of one that I could ask this question to.

Hello!

I'm not a burn survivor myself, so I'll mostly talk about facial differences/visible disability in general and link some stuff made by burn survivors.

First thing, I think it's important to remember that being a burn survivor changes a lot of things - not only appearance. Very important part is the psychological one, but I'm not a burn survivor so I will just let the resources linked below speak.

From the physical aspect, burns can also come with: chronic pain, limited range of motion due to scarring, tightened skin, problems with regulating temperature, itching, skin irritation, and even different nutritional needs during the initial healing process.

There is also specific everyday care associated with burns - something you basically never see in fiction. That could be things like occupational therapy, physical therapy, skincare (like heavy moisturizing and scar massaging), wearing sunblock, wearing splints, or stretching to prevent contractures or tightness.

There are also different types of burns and they (unsurprisingly) differ from each other - for example, electrical burns have a much higher rate of amputation than any other type. Chemical burns can cause eye issues. A burn caused by a fire in a closed space might result in a brain injury due to the lack of oxygen. A much larger portion of people than you (probably) assume have survived burn injuries as small children, and if they were young enough they might not even remember the event at all, unlike older people who might be very affected by the trauma.

Experiences of a person with 80% body surface burns, a person with quadruple amputations from an electrical burn, a person with a facial burn, and a person burnt very recently will be different from someone who has a 5% body surface 2nd degree burn in a spot that’s usually hidden, who has lived with their burn for a decade - despite them all being burn survivors.

When it comes to more thorough research, I recommend going through Phoenix Society’s and Face Equality International’s websites to learn more about both real burn survivor’s perspectives, and face equality as a social justice topic. I think the 3rd link (see below) puts it very well when talking about burn survivors being represented in fiction:

“Most likely, these characters were not created by someone with lived experience. The result is an increasingly garbled game of telephone [...] To avoid contributing to this false narrative, embrace research as part of the process. Explore interviews, first-person accounts, and articles from reliable sources.”

I personally think that the links below should be mandatory reading for writing not only burn survivors, not only people with facial differences, but visibly disabled people in general - because the treatment we get is often so similar the advice still holds up just fine. And if you don't plan on writing any of these, you should still read them to see how prevalent of a problem ableism in media is.

Lise Deguire's Hey Hollywood - scars don't make you evil.

Face Equality International's International Media Standard on Disfigurement.

Niki Averton's Tips for Writing about Burn Survivors.

The main sentiment that you will read from basically any first-hand source is that if you're writing the burn survivor to be either:

evil (just throw the whole character away. please.)

a guy with the "World's Saddest Most Tragic Backstory Ever and It's So Sad and Tragic" (because he revealed he has a scar.)

a helpless victim who is there to be The Helpless Victim

...then you're already doing it wrong and need to make some major changes.

From our blog's reblogs and posts, you might want to look at tips for writing a visibly different/disabled character and tips on drawing people with facial differences. Neither are specific to burn survivors but cover the topic of visible disability and facial differences.

Now for tips on drawing burn survivors (that weren't included in the last link);

Reference real people. 99.9% drawings of burn survivors seem to go through the same "increasingly garbled game of telephone" that Niki Averton mentions with how burn survivors are written, in that the newer the drawing, the less in common it has with how real people with burns look like because people reference from each other and none of them ever think to actually check if their depiction is accurate. If you just google "burn survivor" you will very quickly notice that burn survivors don't have that damn red overlay layer put on top of their skin. It just doesn't look like that, and basic research (aka Google Images search) will tell you that - and still, people color a hand with bright red and think that's how it looks like (it doesn't).

In the same vein, maybe don't just draw an able-bodied person and then put some scarring on top (or maybe do exactly that. No burn scar and no burn survivor is the same, and there are people that fit what I just described... but hear me out for a second). Think about how scars interact with their features - do they have both of their ears? Do they still have all of their hair? Do they only have parts of their eyebrow? Do they have all of their fingers? Can they move the same as before their burn, or are their scars limiting their joints? How did their body react to the post-burn hypermetabolism? Lots to think about. Take into account what type and thickness of burns your character has.

Ditch the mask trope. Just ditch it. There's no need to cover your character's scar from the world unless you as the author think it requires to be hidden, is too scary to show, or other ableist trope that seems to always come up with drawings of visibly disabled people, especially burn survivors. The one exception I will mention is a transparent face orthosis/mask (TFO) that facial burn survivors might wear while awaiting a skin graft early after their injury. But as the name suggests, it's transparent and doesn't work for the awful "ohh scary facial difference better cover it up and only reveal it in some hyper dramatic scene!!" trope because you can see right through it. (I will also mention that TFOs are a very modern thing. Your medieval burn survivor wouldn't be wearing one.)

No "body horror", no "gore" tags or trigger warnings or whatever. That's a human being. If you feel the need to warn your followers before they see a disabled person existing, you're better off not drawing them.

Some last notes;

Throughout this ask I used the term "burn survivor" rather than "burn victim" because that is, to my knowledge, the general community preferred phrase. Individual opinions will differ (because no group is a monolith) but "burn survivor" is generally the safest term to use and probably the best if talking about a fictional character.

Similarly, I used "facial difference" rather than "disfigurement". Just as the above, opinions will differ on what is the best to use but I personally, as someone with facial asymmetry and a cranial nerve disorder, heavily prefer the term "facial difference" over "disfigurement". (I am in this case The Individual Opinion Differing because you can notice that in the links above, facial difference and disfigurement are used interchangeably. The general community uses both, some people have specific preferences. I'm some people.) When talking about a fictional character, "facial difference", "visible difference" and "disfigurement" are all probably fine. Just stay away from calling a person "deformed".

mod Sasza

[drabblesbyjubs]

Caress

Astarion x gn! Reader; your boundaries on where Astarion can touch you and where you can touch him have always been a little fuzzy, but he struggles to word what he means when attempting to simply tell you where he doesn’t want to be touched. He tosses out an idea, and the two of you explore your comfort zones. This could be seen at a pt 2 to Just Need Time, its very soft and fluffy, sort of building on that healing aspect.

Fluff, hurt/comfort, non-sexual nudity, some minor sexual content but no actual smut, trauma, Astarion’s backstory stuff, minor spoilers for Astarion’s story in act 3, minors go bye bye pls

I wrote this on my first day at my new job. This fic was born in the kitchens of a nursing home

Intimacy was always daunting to Astarion.

Emotional intimacy was close, it was vulnerable, it was a means to exploit. And it was terrifying. Physical intimacy was a task, something Astarion struggled to enjoy.

More than a few times he had feared you leaving him because he couldn’t provide the intimacy you deserved. He wasn’t always emotionally available, sometimes we was so apathetic he feared you would be disgusted with him, but there were some things he just couldn’t care about. Even if he wanted to, caring was vulnerable, and it wasn’t allowed. Survival of the fittest.

He was next to never physically available for intimacy; either he completely zoned out before you even got his pants off, the thought of a hug lingering too long sent shivers down his spine, or a hand on his hip pulled a fear response from him, making his whip around to face you, ready to push you away.

You were so understanding that it hurt.

Never once did you judge, never once were you angry or upset. That was almost worse than you being angry; just not knowing what you were thinking. The uncertainty was horrible.

Uncertainty over how you thought of him, uncertainty of where he even liked you touching. Sometimes your soft, romantic touches made his heart soar; they were safe, there was no fear, no ulterior motive, only you, at face value. He loved those times. He wished he knew them more. There were so many little places he was and wasn’t okay with you touching him, he couldn’t even keep track of them.

Maybe it was worth finding out.

..

“Darling?” Astarion approached your tent, and you looked up from the book you had been reading, smiling when you saw that handsome face you’d come to love.

“Astarion,” you greeted, setting down your book and standing to meet him. He hugged you, and you held him close. It seemed he was feeling a little touchy today, and you didn’t mind one bit.

“I wanted to talk. Is… now a good time?” Astarion questioned. You felt a pit of nervousness in your stomach; he looked serious.

“Of course, come with me.” You said, leading him in to your tent and shutting it behind you. “What’s wrong?” You asked.

Astarion grabbed your hands tenderly, and you felt nerves twist in your belly.

“I know I haven’t been the best to you.” He began, immediately filling you with doubt and confusion.

“Darling, of course you-“

“Please.. let me get this out.” He gently kissed the back of your hand, and you shuffled nervously.

“I haven’t been the best to you. I’ve been reclusive, and I know you deserve better. The.. the thought of losing you is terrifying. I want to be more open, give you what you deserve, I just… dont know how. I… have a favor to ask of you.”

You gulped nervously. This didn’t seem like he was trying to break up with you… but the way he spoke in such a self deprecating manner, it was so concerning to you.

“What is it, hun?” You asked.

“I.. want you to help me learn where I can and cant touch you. Where you can and cant touch me. I suppose I… just want to admire you. You tell me when and where it’s too much, and you do the same to me. Is… is that okay?” He looked up at you with those beautiful red eyes.

“Like… like what do you mean?” You asked. “Whatever it is, im alright with it, but.. you may have to take the lead, show me what you’d like. Is that alright?”

“I… want to touch you. And want you to touch me.” He hesitantly explained, a shadow of doubt cast over him now. “I dont want it to be… sexual. I… suppose I want to find where im alright with you touching me. And where youre alright with me touching you.”

“Oh,” you said, realization dawning on you. “Oh hun, of course we can do that. That sounds like a great idea.” You kissed the tip of his nose and you smiled seeing the way the tips of his pointed ears flushed.

He smiled, that slight uptick to the corner of his lip, and the way his smile lines showed and his ryes warmed just looking at you. He was so, so beautiful.

You gently cupped his cheeks in your hands, thumbing over the corner of his mouth.

“You’re beautiful,” you muttered, and Astarion rolled his eyes, though his smile didn’t fade for a moment.

“I know. And wonderful, don’t forget.”

You laughed. “And wonderful.” You pulled him in for a kiss, soft and tender. Astarion melted in your touch, his hands lifting to let one wrap around your chest under your arms and the other card through the hair at the back of your head and gently hold you close to him. His lips moved over yours and both of your relaxed in to the kiss.

You pulled away after a moment, saying, “How do you want to do this?”

“Maybe… here, come with me.” He took your hand and lead you to the bedroll in your tent, the two of you sitting on it facing one another. He gave an awkward pause, clearing his throat and saying, “Could… I take the lead, then you take over?”

“Of course,” you say. “Do you want me to take anything off, or keep this all over our clothes?”

“Maybe.. leave our undergarments on, but take off everything else?”

“That sounds alright,” you said. “I have a blanket right there if you need to cover up.” You motioned to the blanket next to the two of you. Astarion nodded in confirmation, and as you began reaching for the hem of your shirt, he asked you, “May I?” He reached your your shirt, pausing before reaching your hands and waiting before moving on.

You smiled, the care and focus in his expression warming your heart. “Of course,” you said. His fingers hooked under the hem of your bed shirt, pulling it up and over your head. The focus in his gaze was wonderful, so careful as if he would shatter you with one wrong move.

He let out a little sigh when he had your shirt off and tossed to the side, as of he had been holding his breath.

“Beautiful as ever,” he whispered, so soft you hardly heard it. You nudged his shoulder with a little laugh. “Gods, Astarion,” you laughed, and he joined you. His hands cupped your cheeks, and he gazed lovingly into your eyes. You had never seen him so… soft. So vulnerable. It was almost like you were looking at an entirely different man to the one you had found in the woods after the illithid ship crashed, the one who had held a knife to your throat and threatened your life. And maybe he really was a different man, after all you had went through.

But he would always be Astarion, forever your little star.

Calloused hands softly traveled down your neck, closely watching you for any reaction. Down your neck, over your shoulders, across your chest. Over your hips and up your stomach, then to your back, scooting close to feel down the line of your spine, to your shoulders, and down your arms, until his fingers tangled in yours.

“Was that alright?” He asked. You nodded, giving him an assuring smile.

“Of course,” you said. You leaned up to kiss him, a gentle peck to his lips before pulling away. Your fingers danced feather light at the hem of his bedshirt.

“May I?” You asked, to which he nodded.

You pulled his shirt up over his head, watching his gaze fall to the ground. It had always made him a little nervous to feel so bare in such an intimate way, but you didn’t let your gaze linger on his body, instead starting how he did, cupping his cheeks.

You moved to trace over the points of his ears, and he laughed softly, relaxing in to your touch as your fingers carded through his hair.

You hands moved to his jawline, before slowly moving to his neck. You watched his smile fade and a more focused expression return. You tilted your head, and he looked to you.

“I’m not sure.” He said, almost as if having read your mind. You nodded; he’d always been iffy about any touch on the side of his neck that Cazador bit him on. You moved on without another word, to his shoulders and his chest. Neither of which he had any complaint over, you noted.

Your fingers ghosted over the muscles of his abdomen, and you noted how Astarion watched your hand with an intent gaze. You thumbed over the top of his pants before gently resting your hands on the small of his back. You looked at him, waiting for him to return your gaze before you asked, “Your back. Is that a no overall?”

He pursed his lips and looked away.

“That… may be situational. I dont mind sometimes, but others…”

You nodded and said, “Don’t worry, my love. I’ll ask you before I ever touch you there, alright?” He nodded, visibly relaxing.

You moved to hook your fingers under the waistband of his pants, once again looking at him for approval before continuing. He nodded, hut you said to him, “Use your words, hun.”

“You can,” he said. He knew you always preferred he be vocal about his consent, instead of implying it. It made it easier for you to judge when he really wanted it.

Sometimes it was hard for him to know when he really wanted it.

Nodding, you gently pulled his pants down, him lifting his hips to help you out. You hummed, seeing him in nothing but his underwear. He truly was beautiful.

Starting with his hips, you pressed your thumbs against his hip bones, before moving to his outer thighs. You felt him grimace a bit, looking up to him.

“It’s alright,” he quickly assured. “Maybe move a little slower, if thats okay?”

“Of course, I’m sorry.” You responded.

Making a note to move more carefully, you moved down to his knees, then his calves. You ran your hands up the insides of his legs, stopping at his inner thighs. He shuffled a little, saying, “I think this is fine.. just let me know before you touch me here, please?”

“Aye aye, captain,” you said with a light hearted smile, moving in to kiss him.

It was slow and sweet, and you felt him squirming a little under you with you leaned over him and your hands on his thighs.

When you pulled away, his hands went up to the waistband of your pants.

When you nodded your approval, he removed the clothing, mimicking your motions with care and attentiveness. He was so gentle.

When he sat back on his knees, you noticed something you handn’t noticed before; Astarion was hard. You looked away quickly, not meaning to be rude, but he noticed your gaze and pulled back, sitting on his bottom and pulling his knees up to his chest to hide himself. Hurriedly, he said, his words coming out in one long string, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, I think I just enjoyed seeing you like this but I dont want this to be sexual and I dont think I can handle being touched like that right now, but if you want me to touch you I can, I just-“

You hushed him, moving up to place a hand on his shoulder and gently thumb at the skin there.

“Darling, hush now. It’s alright. Its perfectly normal. I dont want anything like that right now either.” You assured him, the nearly scared way he looked up at you breaking your heart.

“You… you’re sure? Im still sorry I got… excited, I guess, I promise it wont happen again.” He seemed almost desperate to convince you he was truly sorry, and you gently cupped his cheeks, tilting up his head to look at you.

“My love,” you spoke, voice nearly a whisper. “I promise, it’s alright. We wont be doing anything sexual tonight, and I’ll pretend this didn’t even happen. Okay? There’s no need to be afraid.”

He nodded, his eyes shining almost as if he was on the brink of tears.

“Okay,” he breathed.

You kissed him softly, which he returned after a moment of hesitation.

You leaned back in the bed roll, saying, “Would you like to continue?” He took a breath and nodded, that signature smile returning to his face, even if it was a little forced. His hands crossed your thighs, calves, giving you a cheeky grin as he squeezed your butt, you swatting at him and rolling your eyes.

“You’re sure you’re alright with this all? You haven’t mentioned anything to me about anywhere you dont like…” he trailed, settling next to you.

“I’m sure. If its you, im alright with anything.”

“What?” He said, looking at you. His expressing was one of confusion. “Why?” He propped himself on up his elbows, looking down at you next to him. “What makes me so special?”

You stared back at him for a moment, equally as baffled as him. “What makes you so- Astarion, love, everything. You’re the brightest light in my life, the reason I keep fighting, you’re my everything. I’ve seen the best and worst sides of you, and you’ve seen the best and worst sides of me. You’re the one constant in my life, and you’re absolutely wonderful. I-“ you trailed off a little, noticing the way Astarion stared at you with an unreadable expression; shock, maybe?

His bottom lip started to tremble, and he said in a shaky voice, “You… you mean that?” Before breaking down in to tears.

You stayed still for a moment as he cried, completely caught off guard, watching him shrink down in to the bedroll, but quickly moved to action and pulled him close, gently hushing him. “Shhh, shshsh,” you cooed, burying your nose in his soft hair and combing through the white strands. “It’s alright, hun, don’t worry. It’s okay.”

The way his shoulders heaved with every fresh round of sobs wrenched your heart, and you felt guilt swirl deep within you. “I’m so sorry, I-“

“Don’t,” he managed to breathe between sobs. “You mean it?” He sniffed, looking up to you with a tear stricken gaze.

“Of course,” you cooed. “I mean it all. You’re my everything.” You kissed his forehead, and he was wrecked by a fresh round of sobs, burying his face in your chest. You pulled him close and held him, rocking him softly as he cried. Your poor, sweet boy.

It may have been ten minutes, it may have been an hour. Eventually, Astarion’s breathing slowly began to even out, and his sobs became few and far between. Is a shaky, hoarse voice, he started to speak.

“Two hundred years. For two hundred years I was locked in that crypt.” Your fingers combed through his hair and his memories came back to him. “Cazador put so many horrible thoughts in my head. About myself, about the people around me. I never trusted anyone again until I met you. I never even trusted myself. A monster, I am, just a creature meant to feed off of the innocent. I haven’t been mine in so long.”

You started to speak, started to assure him that he wasn’t a monster, this wasn’t his choice, but you second guessed. Astarion being this vulnerable was… rare. So you gave him his moment.

“You’ve always been so trusting. I thought you were just stupid at first,” he laughed softly, and you rolled your eyes with a little smile. “But I realized that you are the only person whos ever put faith in me. Ever. At least within my memories. You’re… the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. So careful. So understanding. I dont understand why you care so much, but… thank you. And… I love you.”

Your heart was in your throat, choking you from the inside. You hugged him tighter, kissing the top of his head. “I love you too,” you breathed.

You placed your fingers under his chin to tilt his head up, giving him a warm smile when his eyes met yours. You leaned down to kiss him, pressing your lips against his and closing your eyes, feeling the way he relaxed in to your touch. Your lips moved together, in time as if this were practiced. You pulled away, and he gave you a little smile.

“You’re such a romantic,” you laughed. “It’s adorable. I love it.”

He clicked his tongue and looked away, though the little upwards tick in the corner of his lip gave away his stifled smile.

The rest of the night was filled with stolen kisses, little laughs, and sharing one another’s embrace. Astarion truly was something else, and he saw the same in you. You were the kind of dream he’d always held, a perfect lover who was kind and sweet. You were that. You had been next to him as he gained his freedom, encouraged him and trusted him even when you shouldn’t have. And he was so happy that you had made that choice, now.

.

.

Taglist

@adequate-superstar

@be-a-fish

[sapphiphilic]

“Not moving on is worse.”

In the context of season two, I struggle to reconcile the intersection of sincerity and comedy, and the idea of what pains and traumas we are meant to understand at the deeper level of what trauma is with those that serve only the purpose of comedic timing. This isn’t limited to one character, but rather to the season as a whole.

Season one highlighted childhood trauma and the ability to move on from that, becoming the best adult version of oneself possible. We see this evident in Ed, Stede, and Jim specifically as we are allowed to explore their pasts and their traumas — and we can presume that no one on the crew of the Revenge is without trauma (Fang’s dog, anyone?) of some kind that they carry with them. Stede handles his traumas and how to process them through running away and avoiding the issue until he no longer can. Ed does something similar, though he is able to craft a facade to use as a shield and a weapon, even if he never delivers a killing blow himself. Jim dedicates their life to revenge.

We witness all of these characters allow the defining characteristic of love to be allowing themselves to be saved and valued for who they are — not for what they can offer.

When season two opens, we as an audience see Ed at, arguably, his worst (I say arguably because we didn’t see Blackbeard in his prime, so… do with that what you will, I suppose). We see how this affects beloved and treasured characters, as well as new characters that we have yet to fall in love with. We see Fang fall apart not once but twice within the first two episodes alone. In episode two, we see Ed — a much beloved and adored character who we know intimately — lash out when confronted for his behavior. He lashes out at his crew and physically mutilates his closest confidant for daring to question him. “But that’s piracy!” And you’re right! But don’t we watch the first episode of season one highlight how much Stede Bonnet wants to change piracy? Isn’t this show supposed to be about found family, and getting better, and finding healing? In which case, we’re watching Ed behave abusively in the wake of his mental struggles as he once again attempts to hide behind the same facade that has protected him in the past. Ed suffers this breakdown in response to not one but two perceived rejections from the two people he would claim to be the most important in his life, and in a classic mental illness fashion, he barricades himself off and settles into the persona that is everything he doesn’t want to be.

His crew fears him. They’ve been kidnapped and essentially held hostage under the man they believe to have murdered their crew — their friends — and are watching him continue to devolve. Enter Izzy Hands and Jim Jimenez. Izzy is well aware of his hand in Ed’s state. “Well, he instigated it!” He did. He wanted back a version of Blackbeard who he saw as safe territory: a necessary evil for the continued survival and safety of the crew, ship, and Ed and Izzy themselves. And then he watched Edward “Only Ever Killed One Person Personally” Teach fulfill the legend he’s always been known as, and watched him become someone who couldn’t care less about life or death or anything in between. Ed surpassed and buried the version of Blackbeard that Izzy wanted to return, and he was force-fed the consequences of this with an unavoidable cruelty. “Well, he deserved what he got! Violence was always on the table, because it’s piracy!” But once again, we’re operating under the assumption that the big themes of this show are healing from trauma and being worthy of being loved even if we’ve done bad things. 

While we’re on that topic, though, let’s explore that. Ed’s childhood trauma comes from his abusive father. He carries the weight of that abuse with him well into adulthood, as well as the weight of what he had to do to survive it. What he had to do to save his mother. This season sees him abusing those around him. Despite this, despite his erratic behavior and the mistreatment of his crew, he is still loved (by crew and fandom both, if I may add). He is still loved by Stede, despite the trail of blood he leaves in his wake. Stede is still longing to find him, despite knowing what he’s done and what he’s now capable of, and this continues to reiterate that idea of you deserve to be loved even when you’ve done wrong.

And then, Stede finds him.

We as an audience witness Ed make the choice to stay alive. We watch the thought process, we see that he chooses to fight for that love that comes alongside being saved. Being wanted. Being seen for who you are and loved because of it. And up to here, I’m on board. I’m excited to see what’s next and how Ed will reconcile for what he’s done and the harm he’s caused at the hands of his mental illness — because the truth is, we harm people when we aren’t adequately being responsible for our mental illness. This is a real-world thing. We lash out when we’re hurt, or when we’re rejected, or when we’re struggling. When we’re suffering, we often can’t see past ourselves to see whether or not we’re also causing others to suffer. This does not make us bad people — and it didn’t make Ed one. And then the “apology” came and went. The only member of the crew Ed really sits and ever has a drawn out conversation with about anything is Fang, and even this is somewhat shallow. Fang absolves him and moves on. We don’t get to see whether or not Ed ponders this conversation long-term or whether or not he battles with himself over how to move on. 

We’re left with a traumatized crew who semi-accepted a half-hearted apology and a beloved character who hasn’t actually been held accountable at all. “But he apologized and wore the bell and fixed that door latch!” Yes, and? He physically mutilated his first mate, instructed him to be killed, traumatized an entire crew — and this all takes a backseat to his relationship with Stede. And what a stunning scene between the two of them in the moonlight, where Ed finds it in him to ask to take things slow. Where he recognizes his needs and vocalizes them. I left this episode feeling so hopeful, because half-baked apology aside, Ed is actively learning to vocalize his thoughts and ask for what he needs when he recognizes in himself that something is going to be harmful to him. We had a kiss, we had Ed asking for help when he needed it, we had a proposal, we had “not moving on is worse,” and even knowing only three episodes remained, I left feeling like we had been so perfectly set up to see how things were only going to keep improving. 

In the first episodes of the season, we see murderous raids and mutilated first mates and two suicide attempts (though I suppose one was more of a mass murder-suicide attempt?) and these are all thrown together. In episode six, Stede deescalates a raid from a bloodbath of his own crew and sends another crew on their way with the lessons and values that he has been pursuing since the first episode of the first season. He then, in a parallel to the French ship of season one, causes a man’s death. This is highlighted as a turning point, something that can’t be ever moved on from. (“There’s no coming back from that.”) But what about the other traumatic events of the season that are treated as jokes? Izzy’s drinking, day in and day out, bottle after bottle after bottle — coping with the reality of his life and the way it’s been altered beyond recognition. The mop he used as a makeshift leg snapping, forcing him to pull himself away from the crew with his own hands. Lucius’s mention of being sexually assaulted and Stede’s look of disgust, the way he literally runs away from the conversation. Lucius never gets to air out his traumas, not really, not with someone who listens and tells him he’s safe and allows him to talk things through. Even Pete gets ill instead of being able to offer support.

I struggle to reconcile what is and isn’t comedy in this season, or what violence is meant to be taken for what it is. The Ed and Izzy breakdowns in episodes one and two sat far too close to my chest for me to look past them into comedy — and the suicidality of both men was glossed over and moved on from so quickly, never explored. Did Izzy’s “I wanna go” in the final episode mean he never moved on? That some part of him was still lying in that room with a gun to his head? You don’t become non-suicidal in a matter of days — is there still something lingering in the back of Ed’s mind? There was never a conversation about it, and there was never anything between the two of them that could allow me comfort in knowing that they had reached some sort of understanding. This season pulled domestic abuse, alcohol abuse, and suicidal tendencies straight from my own traumas and never held anyone accountable for any of them. There was no healing. There was no real talking it through. “Well, it’s not a rom-com, so—” Except it continues to be presented as one. Shortcomings of storylines of characters that seem to have been cast aside or mischaracterized this season aside, I cannot for the life of me reconcile how a show about kindness and moving on and being loved amidst all of your flaws could have a season so wrought with traumas and yet never discuss them. Never explore them in a way that allows me to move on. I love this show and there were so many good things about this season; I love these characters, and yet I feel so disconnected from it for the first time in over a year. Not moving on is worse, sure, but moving on without accountability leaves wounds unable to heal. How do you move on from that?

[onaperduamedee]

As a character, Lan is defined by lack of agency.

He was born to be king, but his nation dies out and he becomes the living embodiment of a lost people. New Spring shows that people keep on projecting ambitions on him, expecting him to rebuild Malkier or at least to uphold its culture. To him, the only escape is a futile death in the name of his nation, not even for himself.

Over the course of the books, his character is shown to be rather passive: Moiraine deprives him of his agency by compelling him to live, he is bonded by force to Myrelle, Egwene orders him to go to Nynaeve and Nynaeve herself has to trick him to distract from again dying a futile death in the name of his nation. 

Even his mentoring of Rand is presented by himself as a consequence of Rand's ta'veren pull rather than assertion. Now, this might not be what is actually happening because we see that Lan does disagree with Moiraine's course of actions on other occasions, but that's how he argues in this instance: he's explaining away an attempt to seize agency by saying he in fact wasn't completely in control. According to Lan himself, he is not in control in his own life and he shouldn't be.

So his story is fraught with characters denying his agency. When Nynaeve tricks him, not once but twice, to get him to not die alone in the Blight, with the baggage he has with Moiraine, the fact that it's business as usual for Lan is frustrating for the reader who hoped that at least Nynaeve would be more respectful of his agency. Yet it is consistent for his character to accept that this is how people who care about him (or don't) will treat him because that's what he got with Edeyn, Moiraine, Myrelle, even Bukama to some degree. Obviously, all of these violations do not happen on the same level but these instances are still denial of his agency.

The question as to why he seems to be so accepting of this repeated transgression is not really explored in the books but the reason can be easily inferred: trauma from losing his family and people so young, from being burdened with carrying the memory of a dead nation since infancy (he's described like a memorial more than a person), from embarking on a lifelong rather hopeless journey with Moiraine, from war, naturally. It is what makes him a compelling character, albeit a frustratingly static one.

He changes very little from the beginning to the end of the story, if one considers the beginning to be New Spring. He started the story by wanting to ride into the Blight to die and ended up the story by riding into a fight against Demandred (I have to stop calling him Demi in my head) to die. The tension of his story, for me, is that no matter how much Nynaeve sparks hope in him and even desire for a future, trauma is incredibly strong a pull and will draw him toward seeking death nevertheless. 

There's a sort of nihilism to his character, a death drive, that's consistent with his baggage as a war veteran and trauma victim. It's not far-fetched to read his arc as an exploration of the fact that love (Nynaeve) and duty (toward Malkier and Moiraine) aren't enough to heal and survive on his own.

That's why the culmination of Lan's arc, for me, isn't when he rides to Tarwin Gap or fights Demandred (because it's the same old death drive disguised as abnegation), or even when he dons Malkier's crown (because it has been his responsibility from birth), but when Agelmar calls him selfish: 

« Lan stopped, eyeing the aged general. “Take care, Lord Agelmar. It almost sounds as if you are calling me selfish.”

“I am, Lan,” Agelmar said. “And you are.”

Lan did not flinch.

“You came to throw your life away for Malkier. That, in itself, is noble. However, with the Last Battle upon us, it’s also stupid. We need you. Men will die because of your stubbornness.” »

[...]

« Some men,” Agelmar said, “are destined to die, and they fear it. Others are destined to live, and to lead, and they find it a burden. If you wished to keep fighting here until the last man fell, you could do it, and they’d die singing the glory of the fight. Or, you could do what we both need to do. » - A Memory Of Light, Brandon Sanderson.

Agelmar calls Lan selfish because, like Tenobia, Lan is wriggling out of duty toward his people by seeking a heroic death, but Agelmar is mainly challenging the notion Lan has been touting as his mantra for decades: "Death is lighter than a feather, Duty heavier than a mountain".

What Agelmar is implying is that Lan has been misinterpreting this saying to justify evading his responsibilities. Agelmar refers to his responsibility toward Malkier and the world as his duty; Lan sees his long pursuit of death (for Malkier in the Blight, for the DR with Moiraine) as his duty. Dying for the cause was the goal - in his mind it is what he can offer and what Agelmar is pointing out. It's less about being selfish and more about Lan being self-destructive. His war against the shadow is a war against himself.

It isn't exactly a revelation for him because although Lan is shaken by Agelmar's words he later rides into battle to die at the hands of Demandred, with Agelmar and all the other generals out of commission. 

What is interesting narratiely is that at this point Lan gets exactly what he wants: at last no one is stopping him to ride and die into battle. He gets to be only a man, not the herald of a dead nation, a man who can die at that. Yet, death denies him and he survives, somehow.

We don't know exactly why and how he survives the death blows Demandred deals to him. It could be that the Wheel needed him alive so he survived when so many died (in New Spring, Lan is a target for the shadow because he is suspiciously lucky), it could be that Demandred was just a man himself after all and Rand's sealing the DO (with Moiraine and Nynaeve) happened just in the nick of time for Demandred to be stopped from re-ascending to more.

The narrative treats the why as of no importance: Lan is forced to live, yet again, except by the Wheel itself. The natural follow-up is that he will live, he will reclaim Malkier, he will grow old with Nynaeve. His crowning moment with Nynaeve at his side is presented at the end as a fait accompli, as the obvious next step in his survival.

But I cannot help finding this conclusion to his arc inordinately sad. He didn't choose life. He didn't choose Malkier. He chose Nynaeve but tragically it wasn't enough to get him to choose living: it isn't before the very end that he sees Nynaeve as more than a widow. And even then, there's a discrepancy between his thoughts and actions: he can envision a future with her, yet he doesn't make the decisions that could spare him.

One could argue that he chose future by giving the Aes Sedai a chance of success in going against Demandred, but fighting Demandred IS a senseless and desperate decision only leading to death because it's how Gawyn and Galad's fight against him is described as. Lan went in expecting to die, knowing he would deprive his people of a leader and Nynaeve of a husband and warder (just as Gawyn dying right in the middle of battle is a selfish act in regards to Egwene, Lan doing the same to Nynaeve is just as selfish). He chose death, again and again, and it was denied him. 

When I think of Lan, I cannot help going back to Verlaine's famous poem about Kaspar Hauser, here translated by Peter Low (https://www.lieder.net/lieder/get_text.html?TextId=136604)

I came, a calm orphan,

with no wealth but my peaceful eyes,

among the men of the cities:

they did not find me clever.

At age twenty a new turmoil

- it is known as amorous flames -

made me find women beautiful:

they did not find me handsome.

Though lacking a homeland or king

and not being very brave,

I wanted to go to war and die:

death didn't want me.

Was I born too early or too late?

What am I doing in this world?

Listen, all of you, I am in deep sorrow:

say a prayer for poor Gaspard.

I see little triumph in him surviving the Last Battle as he remained passive to the very end, carried by the Wheel and what it had planned for him, relentlessly pushed to seeking death and clinging whatever reason he could muster to justify to himself dying nobly (Malkier, Moiraine, the Dragon, etc...). He's fundamentally adrift long before meeting Moiraine and the journey to Merrilor did nothing to ground him.

More than the technicalities of rebuilding a nation that's been buried for 40 years, I'm fascinated by what life, a simple, quiet life with his wife and friends, would do to a man like Lan: he spent his life replacing one reason to die with another and although Nynaeve and a nation to rebuild can be a reason to live it wasn't enough before the Last Battle, which left him probably more traumatised. 

What does life look like to Lan? Is he prepared to experience it and more importantly to be an actor in it rather than an object? I'm not sure the books could have provided an answer because veteran's mental health is a delicate matter and the therapy Ajah isn't really a thing in the books but the conclusion of his arc on his surviving as a punishment almost is worth interrogating.

[psychhound]

How to Survive a Haunting now launched on Kickstarter! Running 3/2/23 to 3/31/23!!

ID in Alt

In How to Survive a Haunting, you play as Stranger, an entity plagued by ghosts who try to possess you, and take over your home and your life. Luckily, you have come across a mysterious old journal, written by a man only referred to as The Journalkeeper. He has spent his life studying ghosts, and made it his mission to record everything he knew about how to defend yourself from them, and how to tame them

On the journey to taming your ghosts, you will represent your accomplishments through tokens, keep a magical deck of cards that help you ward off unearthly possessions, and log your adventure in a journal. The Journalkeeper will walk you through each stage of this process, and teach you how to customize the game to fit your specific needs

Haunting is a gamified mental health aid, designed to help people learn more about how their body works, adopt a challenge mindset, and achieve post-traumatic growth. It is designed with a light horror aesthetic (though no actual scares in the game) to meet people in the mental space that they’re at, and not make light of extremely difficult circumstances. It is geared towards the recovery of those with trauma and (c)PTSD

artwork by @prose-n-scripts

Haunting was inspired by my own journey of recovery and exploration with gamification and tabletop roleplaying games as I struggled for years with PTSD, dysphoria, mental health issues, and more. Games were a safe space for me, and allowed me to grow and heal more than almost anything else. With games, I was able to put the power of recover into my own hands, go at my own pace, and focus on what was important to me

I wanted to create Haunting to help all the people who may find traditional therapy unhelpful, intimidating, inaccessible, or unsafe. Or for others who find therapy helpful but need more structure and guidance outside of sessions. Haunting explores many different ways to help your brain and your body, explains the science and psychology behind its advice in cited research, and never breaks character as a helpful old man giving advice on ghosts

It is geared entirely around building self-efficacy, building resilience, and achieving post-traumatic growth

The funding goal is $3500. This original goal funds for consultant Hayley Twyman Brack, a therapist and avid gamer, to go over the game and make sure everything is cited from the latest peer-reviewed research, and make sure all the psychology advice is up to date on the latest therapeutic practices

I am pulling the knowledge in this game both from my own recovery journey, and my last two years as a social worker working with a large variety of clients with disability and mental health challenges

If we can reach a little further than our original goal, the game will be fully illustrated by wonderful artist Vicky @prose-n-scripts

Please check out the Kickstarter page to learn more and spread the word to anyone who may be interested! I believe in the power of the TTRPG community to make this happen! Thank you everyone!!

[gatheringbones]

[“What do I mean by “kind” when it comes to gender?

Much of the gendered trauma discussed in this book is rooted in rigid, harsh policing of our bodies, our movements, even our thoughts about gender. To take a kind approach to gender is, then, inherently counter to the gendered violence that continues to be imposed on our bodies in a variety of ways.

Kind does not mean non-confrontational. In fact, sometimes, the kind thing to do is to confront others when they are doing harm to themselves and others. For example, if someone is forcing themselves to fit into a rigid stereotype of masculinity, femininity or androgyny, because they think this is what other people want, then the kind approach would be to highlight this, and to explore why they feel compelled to do so. Is this for safety, which is an absolutely legitimate concern, or is this out of not being aware of any other options? I discuss further how some people might fall into the trap of all/nothing polarized thinking when it comes to gender in the next section. For now, suffice to say that kind does not mean soft, or rolling over in the face of oppression, but rather it means compassionate, vulnerable and open. This is where having done our own work on gender is essential. If we have done that, we can be much more open and vulnerable about how hard it can be to challenge cisheteronormative expectations of gender. If we are at peace with our own gender and feel no need to police our bodies in harsh, colonial and controlling ways, then we do not need to do this with other people either.

Kindness is, of course, just like any of the other approaches described here: only possible when we are not immersed into a trauma response, that is, fight, flight, freeze or fawn (people pleasing for survival). This is the foundation of doing our own work. If we do not, we risk coming from a place of reactivity and survival, which often leads to more trauma and, ultimately, more violence towards ourselves and others. Being kind, in this context, then, means not being reactive but rather noticing where the other person or people are at and being able to meet them there with clarity about ourselves and what we believe in.”]

alex iantaffi, from gender trauma: healing cultural, social, and historical gendered trauma, 2020

[hekateinhell]

you said you were comfortable with receiving questions about your fics and i have a question about our house armand and daniel's backstory. how much of armand's sexual trauma does daniel know? i mean in the fic he mentions "the brothel in amsterdam" or how hypersexual&relentlessly giving armand is but, did they ever sit down and have a talk about it ever (it seems a bit unlike armand pre-therapy) or did armand Had to open up a bit about it to daniel bc something cathartic happened, for example a breakdown during sex, him disassociating etc. ? i would love to know if you have anything in mind about this or generally how that convo would go when it eventually (hopefully) happens. armand being as secretive about his past as he is, we hardly get anything like this in canon and even in many fics it is hardly dwelled on, but i do think about it a lot! so i would love to know your thoughts!! lots of love x

Hiii! 💖

Omg, I've thought about this so much in the canon of Our House!

If I continue with the fic, I would definitely love to expand on this more because the whole theme of the fic is supposed to be about trauma—how sometimes there are just some things you don't ever really heal from but you can grow around them! You can find ways to live with them, ways so they don't hurt so much, so they're not so intrusive, and ultimately you can still have a good life and love and be loved. That's just what I want for Armand, okay? 🤧

Ngl, I had to skim through my own fic to make sure what I have written still aligns with what's in my head because it's been a while lol. But yeah, Armand was clamped down pretty tight (pun intended) pre-therapy and his sexual trauma wasn't anything that he was willing to recognize at the time and it definitely wasn't anything he wanted Daniel to know. The trick with OH is that the fic is primarily from Daniel's POV, so there's a lot he doesn't know (thanks Armand) and therefore the reader doesn't know. He's been kept in the dark about sooooo much!

Like for example, Daniel didn't know anything about Armand's sexual trauma prior to therapy but in the notes in my head, Lestat knows because he met Armand when Armand was 17 and left Amsterdam for Paris, and they, along with Eleni, also did sex work together sometimes just to survive. Louis met Armand in New York and knew him when he'd just arrived to the USA and was initially making money as a sugar baby. Daniel doesn't know any of this at any point in the story yet lmao. Armand gave him a bit of the Amsterdam and Europe overview in therapy, but "I was in a window in Amsterdam by the time I was thirteen," isn't exactly something Daniel really wanted to pry into, you know? He knows Armand has night terrors a decade later, he knows Armand has an ~interesting~ relationship with sex; he can put two and two together and imagine what kind of horrific things Armand endured. 

But beyond that, no, they've never talked it in detail! I did always think at some point it would be inevitable that it comes up in some messy way like the Baby Thing. Like Armand maybe pushes himself too far while exploring a kink, and like you said, triggers himself and it all comes out. But I also like a softer version where he just walks into the living room one night and curls up by Daniel's side, making himself small, and says, "I want to talk to about what happened to me in Europe, about who I had to be before you. Because sometimes I still feel like that lost, forgotten child, and it frightens me. Maybe if you knew him too, you could talk to him for me. You could make it better."

Which I mean... this is a lot to put on Daniel! But that's the secret secondary theme of this fic lol Daniel Molloy Carrying the Entire Fucking World on His Shoulders! 🤪

[veny-many]

Survivors reunions

Previous For better understand Please search #my au if you interested in my AUs

After Wolffe was injured, Plo took care for him with checking every dangers toward them. After striking down the slavery place it was wise for them to leave those place as fast as they can, but Wolffe was not in condition to move soon, so Plo got a watch around their hideout, like wolf watching their pack's safety. Plo had strong endurance thanks to his Kel-Dor biology, and Wolffe was slowly healing from his trauma for both of his body and mind.

One day, Plo woke up from his short sleep in late night. Wolffe was deeply sleeping, and Plo quietly left his side and walked to outside. When he looked around the wide and peaceful wasteland, Plo could see who he felt approaching to their hideout. They were not enemies, he could feel it. He could feel it, because she was one of the most Plo wanted to see again.

They just hugged for a long time. Sharing their feeling, grieving, guilt, delight, hope in their mind.

And Plo invited his guests to their hideout. And they just silently rested in there until morning, to not disturb Wolffe's resting.

Wolffe felt movements around him when he woke up from deep sleep, he alerted suddenly and woke up fast to look around any danger. But when he saw familiar face, he broke down again.

Wolffe never thought to see other brothers after Order, but Rex was there. Wolffe might cried for a little in his brother's arm, from the delight, and sadness, and little hope. Rex might too.

Ahsoka and Rex had found them because of the rumors, that one Kel-Dor destroyed slavery place with one metal arm and strange lightning, and left with one male human injured. They said it was lucky that they found them first, because there was a high chance for them to be tracked down by the Empire, since they ordered searching unit to hunt down Plo and Wolffe.

Wolffe: Wait, the search unit. Who are they...?

Rex: It's 104th, Wolffe. The Wolfpack! You really need to be careful, They are dangerous!

Wolffe: Of course they are. We trained them best.

Rex: Dank it Wolffe what have you done

And Ahsoka explained them with the Rebel's help, they will able to more safely travel and get more right treatment for their injury. Plo was proud of his little 'soka, because even in this dark time, she was still helping peoples and fighting for the right thing.

At the long time after the Order 66, Plo finally felt solid hope, seeing his children surviving and fighting with hope. He was never this thankful for his life to keep living.

Ahsoka: By the way, If you didn't choose the destination, how about you explore the strange signal from Dorin? Some Kel-Dor in Rebels felt those... Telepathic signal?

Plo: Dorin?

Ahsoka: Yes, and they said it was from Koon clan.

Plo: My clan??

+) awkward sibling reunion be like

They were just doing their job...

*after the many years, in Rebel base*

Ahsoka: And Wolffe stole my massage to Rex again! I can believe you did this again, you overprotective brother!

Wolffe: He was sleeping, and needed it! You know what he is like when he have a job to check!!

Plo: Ah, not again. If you finish this please take a nap since we need to move away in anytime.

[alectology-archive]

while it’s important that rj understood how prolonged exposure to trauma would mess with you psychologically on various axes - mental, emotional, spiritual, physical - it’s also very significant that he put in the work to question and explore how people could go about healing and recovering from their experiences with a realistic attitude.

sometimes they don’t heal - they don’t understand that they need healing, dismiss their instincts, or manage to bury all the complicated emotions they’re feeling. it’s seen when mat suffers from a severe case of survivor’s guilt whenever he survives a battle, and this is observed more obviously when he escapes from ebou dar without managing to save all the windfinders; he also doesn’t have the vocabulary to express why the abuse he suffers at tylin’s hands feels wrong, and his cultural background and his tendency to lie to himself prevents him from examining why this is the case. rand is simply incapable of dealing with the sheer physical, mental and emotional stress he’s subjected to without a support system to back him up - support that he’s specifically unwilling to ask for because he doesn’t want to be put in a position of vulnerability just like mat and has a very unique relationship with the level of autonomy he’s afforded and the abuse he may be subjected to as a result of his madness - and resorts to unhealthy coping mechanisms and internalises traits that also serve as an allegory for ideologies that toxic masculinity directly feeds off of; he reacts to aes sedai very badly although he eventually unlearns that instinct; he’s extremely suicidal, and lews therin works as an indirect metaphor for depression. egwene feels the need to be in a position of power whenever approaching a certain relationship (be it romantic, platonic or otherwise) after her time as a damane, and is often uncomfortable with setting down her guard unless she trusts the people she’s working with; rj has a very complicated track with his depiction of corporal punishment but he also touches on how it enables people in power to take advantage of it to abuse the people under their control through egwene’s arc. rand specifically laments how the sort of stigma and alienation that male channelers face will never really go away because of the fear ingrained into popular belief, and that’s also a very accurate depiction of how certain mental illnesses are received by society.

but rj puts in the extra work to explore how people who have access to support systems and are on the receiving end of patience and compassion are able to get on the path to recovery. he has nynaeve & co deal with the problem of deprogramming egeanin, the sul’dam and damane who’re thoroughly brainwashed by the seanchan. juilin is able to help amathera recover by being very sympathetic to her situation and protecting her from difficult situations that could trigger her ptsd. rj specifically spends a significant amount of time letting joline, teslyn and edesina slowly encourage the seanchan channelers to entertain the idea of their ability not being a curse and to even train to control it at the white tower. the maidens are able to get a read on rand’s discomfort with the dark and small spaces post dumai’s wells and are kind enough to always leave a light on in the dark for him; they also push rand to take his meals and care for himself. the asha’man are explicitly recognised as a group which needs to unlearn some of the toxic ideas encoded in the founding principles that rand introduced. rand himself is recognised to be in dire need of help again in the latter half of the series, although we never got to see the culmination of that arc, unfortunately* - but I have a theory that his arc as a hero is tied very closely to his ability to recover from the various traumas he’s subjected to.

wheel of time takes a very realistic stance on mental health and ptsd. more significantly, it recognises that trauma might not necessarily bring about a positive transformation in a person. and that’s okay.

*cadsuane’s arrival is the only one I can’t get a clear read on, and feels so obviously doomed to disaster from the very beginning given how her personality clashes with rand’s and with her introduction with the intent of controlling rand and never respecting his opinions or autonomy - but given how she’s criticised by the narrative, I’m inclined to believe that min’s reading might have potentially been fulfilled in a bittersweet way as her readings often are. if rand learned how to embrace his humanity again, I can’t imagine that she would have ever had a part to play in it that involved compassion or understanding.

[crispycreambacon]

The Journey to Break Free • An Analysis of Malevolent's Themes

This is more like a ramble, but analysis sounds more professional y'know y'know-

Major Spoiler Warning for Episode 19

-

Episode 19 may be my favourite episode at least for Season 2 – bear in mind that as I type this, I haven't gone past Episode 19. Regardless, it is definitely a highlight of this podcast for me. It unpacked a lot about Arthur and John, and it explored many interesting themes. The strength of kindess and letting yourself be vulnerable, the reality that healing and becoming a better person isn't always a clean journey, the significance of the connections we make and the memories we carry from them...

The first one is subversive in how despite Arthur losing some of his morality in order to survive, he still retains some of it and uses it ro his advantage. It may be baffling to see Arthur still wanting to trust others and treat them kindly, as seen with Arthur wanting to offer water to the cana, because this world can turn on you so quickly. However, that may be the point. The fact that Arthur can still find it in himself to care about the beings in this world is a true testament to his resilience. The Dreamlands is unrelentlessly cruel and tests you, trying to mold you to become the monsters that roam this realm, and I think that is why Arthur won't succumb to this world's terrors like so many before him did.

It ties into the tone of the podcast and how it shifts. Arthur may need to be cruel at times, but that doesn't mean he needs to be a monster. Likewise, Malevolent may be a bleak story, but it is not one which needs to overly indulges in tragedy and darkness. Even within the episode itself, there are moments where Arthur and John laugh. There's an entire section in which Arthur interacts with a buopoth, and it's the most adorable thing ever. These moments provide a balance that help emphasize the impact of intense moments even more than if the entire story had just been trudged in grimdark.

(Putting the rest under a "Read More" section as to not make this post too long to scroll through)

As for the second theme, I particularly appreciate it as people who try to heal, typically victims of trauma, are often villanized for not being perfect, nice or behaving. Anyone who doesn't fit the mold of being sad and helpless via lashing out or express anger about their trauma get dogpiled with insults and accusations from those who refuse to understand them. Those who only want to imagine a narrative that recovery is always pretty and always going up with no relapses whatsoever. That narrative formed because society crafted it and enforced it with media tackling trauma victims in a shallow way at best. Because it's uncomfortable for society to face the truth that trauma is ugly, and those that went through it won't come out unscathed like people want them to.

The theme of names being significant is an uncommon but meaningful one. John Doe is a name to give the King in Yellow a new identity, a way to rebuild himself. Lilly is a name that meant a lot to John as the only form of human connection he had while Arthur was comatose and the catalyst to John becoming a better person. Faroe is a name that Arthur keeps recalling because he can't let go of his daughter and the trauma that came with it.

Even the name of the episode is important. I think "the Prison" truly is an apt title for this episode. Not only because this involves Arthur and John escaping the pit they're trapped it, but it's also a metaphor for Arthur's situation. His body is a prison for John that both want him to get out of, yet Arthur is the real prisoner as he loses control over everything from his body to his life. He is trapped in the past because he can never let go of Fareo. He can never forgive himself for causing her death through his neglect no matter how unintentional it was.

And he gave in at the end. He gave in to the past and went to the city to search for Faroe even though the cana instructed them to avoid the city. Even though so many signs point to it being yet another trap. Even though the chances of Fareo being there were next to none.

Yet John didn't protest. It really shows how much John has grown to emphathize with humanity. How he has grown from someone who is selfish and uses others to his whims, discarding them when they no longer serve him purpose to someone who may not fully understand humanity but can genuinely appreciate and care about it. He may not understand why Arthur still clings onto Faroe, but he understands Arthur deserves closure, so even if this may be a trap, he lets him walk in. We, the audience, may not fully understand either, but we understand this is a necessary step for Arthur even if it may be one that leads to his doom.

[runningfromevil-mp3]

On the matter of DGHDA season 2 and childhood as a theme, I think we should analyse the story of The Boy through the lense of Maladaptive Daydreaming more often. And I have thoughts about it. This is a long read, so bear with me.

Bias note: I'm an immersive daydreamer and the ending of Season 2 got to me in a way I couldn't describe. And this is a personal piece on the matter.

As the linked post mentioned, there's a lot of links between childhood and Wendimoor itself; from the fight between the families, to the train in the sky, to how they all fight with scissors. And while The Boy has godlike powers, I want to suggest that this comparison is fairly apt. For some people with this, it can feel like you're in control of everything -- it can also feel like you control nothing in your daydreams. And the show reflects both of these realities. When The Boy is away from the world he created, it starts to fall into chaos. While the script says that good will always win, I think the way they cross into our world holds two functions: firstly, it shows how this is something he can no longer control and, as I personally believe, it draws a comparison to when one is pulled out of a daydream. And the condition can act in an intrusive way. A song, a sound, an idea, anything can be a daydream trigger and pull you into hours of daydreams. And honestly? A traumatic event creating a whole universe feels very close to the experience.

Many people with MaDD will share stories on how it interferes with their daily life (and that is in fact part of the suggested diagnosis criteria), so the reversal of these two roles show the same function, that paracosms essentially always exist in some capacity and interfere with life. Each character has their own ways of dealing with denial, escapism and fantasy in the season. Even The Witch, despite being the antagonist, uses escapism to run away from her life. This shows how running away can have negative outcomes, sure, but I took it as a warning on letting your fantasies lead your life in a way that can be destructive. The type of survival is maladaptive, it causes some kind of harm in a way (socially, through work, whatever have you), which leads to another question.

Why is The Boy returning seen as a good thing if the whole ordeal is maladaptive? And I have a few answers to this. The obvious one is its bittersweet and must happen to return balance as the text demands us to believe. After all, this is all fantasy and he is a person with god-like powers that could cause more disturbances. But I offer a reading of hope too: the balance between what you imagine and real life is essential. Consider the fact that Wendimoor is a real place and there are generations of people who live there. Yes, the powers went unchecked and it was The Boy's goal to escape to a new reality, but even Dirk points out that these are real people now. Even if they were made from the mind of another being, they have their own autonomy... to a degree. He's still in charge at the end of the day, and must be to have peace last. But the fact they are real and this world is now real suggests that a balance has been found between reality and escapism. Another reading similar to this could be healing. Spending time there forces his traumas into a more metaphorical space and allows him to explore his feelings and unpack it. The families truce, the Witch is sent away, and he can start processing this. Because, at the end of the day, MaDD seems to be trauma formed, based on a lot of the community's own posts. My final answer is, it isn't a good ending. The Boy still has these powers he cannot control and yet it is treated as a positive. It shows a return to coping that is not healthy but it is the only way to keep these powers contained. I don't believe that is the intended reading, however, because The Witch being sent away needs to act as a foil to this plot point.

Aside from this, we should note that people with MaDD may have multiple paracosms (to simplify, a fancy way of saying a daydream world) but we only see one here. I fall into the group that only has one as well. But people with MaDD make references to their fictparas, primparas (meaning "belongs in a paracosm" and a prefix to show where they are sourced from, such as "OCs" or fictional characters) having their own lives. Sometimes, we just observe them. Sometimes we are active participants like we see here. There's even a term called veritbond which means either a character who is aware of their own selfhood, or is extremely important to the person daydreaming in some way. Individuals like Panto and The Mage strike me as this type of daydream character. And this makes sense! A lot of the characters we create (or steal from fiction) exist to explore difficult topics we may have faced ourselves. It gives us a wrap of fiction to understand what we experienced. These characters-made-real then deciding their own fate outside of the will of The Boy feels similar to how we develop. There is always the safety net that The Boy can undo all of of this, something that is not true for everyone with this, but they still have freedom of choice despite that fact.

At the end of the day, The Boy being returned, to me, seems like a hopeful end that aims towards healing as a conclusion to the plot. It's something he returns to but it's balanced with a new reality. The escapism ends because he has escaped from everything that harmed him. This is his new reality. It feels like he has come to terms with it but this is something that will always exist. It's the perfect balance of healing from trauma and using fantasy to understand it. And that's why the ending meant so much to me. For all the issues the season has with pacing, how connected everything actually feels, this ending feels optimistic. Things feel sporadic because we are dealing with the universe threading reality and fiction together. And that is... oddly relatable? Things are still happening in the background. They will continue to. If I had any notes, I think I would say we should read this as The Boy being more of an omniscient presence that knows more than anybody else does. When you're an immersive daydreamer or a person with MaDD, finding the balance between daydreams and reality is difficult. And that feels more real than anyone could know.

[darkfictionjude]

I was so focused on the romance that I never gave my thoughts on the family relationships based on the time jump. I feel like I failed as an overthinker (I'm the etymology nonnie by the way, I'm seriously considering beginning to use an special greeting like selfie does on her asks). Not that my opinions have any major weight, yet I like to give my two cents. Probably in part because I think about this story and characters a lot (especially MC and Imre, but followed closely by Lorcan, Percy and Sally).

Of course, I cannot have any sort of categorization when it comes to the family matter. Unlike the romance and the relationship MC has with their body, family is something that is significantly less predictable, or, at least, less viable to put in easy to understand boxes. Not only because there are more individuals involved, but also because the relationships are more complex. Plus, and this cannot be understated, we still don't know how much MC will be able to fix/improve/worsen/cut their bonds with their family in season one. Because of this, we don't have a more or less defined start as we do with the RO's. For all I know, at the end of episode 13 MC leaves their family behind, for example. And if that happened, any speculation I do that begins from another possible perspective would be, if not pointless, most likely fruitless.

Yet, I must admit, is an interesting topic to think about. It's clear to me that family is something you want to explore with this IF. The latest update made it definitive if there was ever any doubt.

At the same time, as much as this relationships are given importance, I also think is very early to say where they're going. MC is barely capable of noticing the cracks with their relationship with Sally, and can easily deny them. MC is still too far from establishing their own personhood to actually build a closer relationship with Percy. MC has not even talked with Victor, and is doubtful trying to talk with Prudence would give anything at this point.

From this, then, we can conclude that the place MC is in their route towards personhood, or in their character arc, is of great importance to define if the relationships with their family can go anywhere. But it's also important to note that the family also seems to not be ready to get closer to MC.

Victor, even if he feels some fondness for MC (although only compared to Prudence, and only in the flashbacks so far), is distant. So much so he has not interacted with MC yet. For what MC knows, he could be secretly dead. His avoidance of everything probably would not be very helpful at building a relationship with MC, or anyone for that matter.

Prudence most likely hates MC wholeheartedly. I'm not sure if any affection that was once felt survives. And from her POV, MC is the root of (most of) all the problems and tragedies in her life. She needs too heal a lot, and even if she does, I'm not sure she'll ever want to get closer to MC. Especially with Orla's shadow being so ever present.

Sally. Dear Sally. He is probably the one who some would believe is the easiest to get closer to. Yet, I disagree with such notion. His own trauma, involving being parentified, and the way he sees MC, simply make it a lot more difficult than it would be otherwise. After all, MC is not only infantalized by Sally, but Sally does not seen MC as an individual. I'm not saying he doesn't see MC as human, but in a way MC is closer to pet than to a sibling. So, even if MC actually improves, they would have to work a lot for Sally to recognize it, and to be able to actually listen MC.

Finally, Percy is, in my opinion, the easiest one to get closer too. Not easy, however. Percy is closed off, and a part of him resents MC. And his has a lot of his own traumas to work through. But, unlike Sally, he does treat MC as an individual, and as an adult. Sure, Percy is insensitive and rude when it comes to mental illnesses, but he listen to what MC says and doesn't immediately refute it as the ramblings of a kid.

Overall, I think this was mostly a pointless ask. Simply because I just reproduced what I have said in previous ones, and because I cannot speculate about season 2. Which is the only worthwhile conclusion of this rambling. There are too many unknowns about how the relationships evolve (or not) in season 1 to determine how they are going to be able to be experienced in season 2. Or how we could conceive how they change during the time jump.

That said, I do invite another nonnies and non nonnies, as well as you dear Jude, to debate me if they disagree with me. Or if they think there is something more to add that I have not considered.

I must admit I'm probably making this worst on myself. Since now I'm very excited for season 2. And we are not even at half of season 1 💀. So, don't despair (of despair, if you dislike my long ramblings), because I'll come back in the future when we the story advances! Till then, other thoughts may bring me here.

You know what’s funny? When I conceived of this IF I didn’t think family would be such a major theme. I thought “MC’s family is fucked oh well they’ll make a new one with the ROs” they weren’t going to have such a big role in MC’s life from episode 1 on. But then I kept thinking about it, I thought if MC is like this then how are the other siblings? They couldn’t have gotten unscathed from their childhoods and then I got into how much our family shapes our lives and what we become for good or for bad. It become such a rich avenue to explore

Victor is very old school father in that he believes mental illness is something you can just stop and when MC couldn’t he just threw money at the problem praying it would go away.

Prudence does view MC as the nucleus of the ruin of her and Orla’s life.

The stand outs to me on what you said is how Sally is the hardest to get a revolution in his relationship with MC while also seemingly be the closest family member to them. Very true, it’s hard to respect someone you love when you don’t them as a person but more an extension of yourself. An interesting someone said was that MC and Sally are actually not close at all, truly they’re distant as Sally doesn’t really MC and vice versa

And yeah it’s not an assured thing that Percy and MC will ever be super close a la Sally and MC but they could get to a better place. It’s especially fun if you choose options for MC when talking to Percy that makes them seem so similar to him in terms of humour

Yeah I’m so excited about season 2 and it’s so far away 😭😭😭 if only I could just snap my fingers and have episodes written magically

[hamliet]

Didn't realise you watched RWBY, hamliet. Pleasant surprise! Who would be your favourite character from it, and why? Just curious.

Drumroll...

Mercury Black!

This will shock no one who has followed me for any length of time. Give me a character who is angry at the world, who has been through hell and just wants to survive, who cloaks fear and trauma in anger and armor, who desperately wants love and safety but doesn't even realize it themselves.

Mercury's internal conflict is fascinating thus far. He deeply cares about Emerald--that much is obvious. People call Mercury crueler than her, but I don't see that at all. He's been protecting her from their very first scene together, and this extends to protecting her from Tyrian (an obvious stand-in for his father). He even is upfront with Emerald about Cinder's abuse of her.

Mercury is honest with Emerald because she meets him where he's at. The conversation between them in Volume 6 is one of the best scenes in the show--you'll note that Mercury only opens up to Emerald after she starts meeting his blows. In other words, Mercury opens up to Emerald because she meets him where he's at, in the language he understands, even if it's violence at the moment. This scene is so telling on not just Emerald and Merc's relationship, but about Mercury and how he sees love, family (the topic of the conversation), and connection. Violence to him is those things. Why wouldn't it be?

And yet, there's a part of him that clearly knows it's not how it should be. Tyrian calls him out on this in that very same scene, and Mercury also clearly snapped and killed his father. He was raised by an assassin who abused him, stole his soul, left his body injured permanently. He's now subject to Tyrian who gives off extremely disturbing vibes. Obvious subtext is obvious.

Yet, Mercury still defends Emerald from Tyrian. From Cinder. From Roman.

He's also extremely well written. Like, his arc is still largely ahead of us, but in each and every scene he's in? We learn something new about him. His arc has never stagnated, not for one scene. I don't think you can say this about literally any other character.

Mercury's arc has potential to be one of the best explorations of abuse in the show, and potential to be pivotal plot-wise, world-building wise, and theme-wise.

Plot-wise, I think Mercury realizing that he's still being abused by Salem, Tyrian, and Cinder would provide Cinder with a very necessary wakeup call. (Clearly, Cinder was hurt that Emerald left, but she wasn't woken up. At this point, Salem's approval and disapproval haven't woken her. Emerald leaving her hasn't either. Her Grimm arm and Ruby's likely compassion should play a part in waking her up, but Mercury's leaving her--hopefully with a callout that mimics Yang's epic call out of Raven in Volume 5--will jump-start her self-reflection.

World-building wise, I think it's pretty likely Mercury will get his semblance back, or develop a new one. Abuse does hurt you. It can damage you in some ways. But it can't take your soul, and even if what you have left feels damaged, you can still make something of that, and heal. Mercury's semblance being uncovered somehow offers massive potential for how we understand semblances.

Lastly, thematically. Mercury keeps acting out his own abuse. Not only through hurting and humiliating others, but through the relationship with Tyrian clearly being a stand-in for his father, through Cinder also being a stand-in for his father, through the Vytal Festival, too. Let's see, a boy whose father destroyed him body and soul and was completely ignored by society feigning the destruction before the entire world--wonder why he might enjoy that sympathy. But part of what RWBY is about is calling out the hidden truths--Salem, the treatment of the faunus, the disparities between Mantle and Atlas--and bringing them into the light. From what we've seen of Cinder and the children in cages, Remnant has a serious problem with child abuse. Mercury getting fake-injured in front of them all could have been a wakeup call. Plus, breaking the cycle--which I'm fairly certain he will do--is powerful itself.

[trashlie]

Rand the Damned

Something that has become really apparent to me about ILY, especially the more I have these deep dives into the characterizations, is that ultimately, ILY explores characters who are trying to survive. Nearly every character in ILY is clearly someone trying to survive their circumstances, and while some are very obvious (Shinae, Nol, Kousuke) others you need to examine differently in order to see they, too, are trying to survive (Alyssa, Rand, Yui). Something I feel that ILY does especially well is the interpersonal relationships based on both context and circumstances, and why certain characters are able to better get along with each other and others continue to butt heads. For instance, Nol and Kousuke have always struggled because Nol was never able to see what Kousuke's real battle is - that his quest for Rand's acceptance has been but a small part of his psyche. Without understanding how Kousuke has been manipulated, gaslit, and literally drugged, how could Nol ever begin to understand why Kousuke treats him that way?

Abuse and trauma alters peoples' brains. It's not something that you just... one day wake up from and move on. We will spend our whole lives trying to unlearn our unhealthy behaviors, our coping mechanisms and that's for those of us who haven't experienced such brain-altering abuse and trauma. A very common theme of ILY remains repeating cycles - that people who never get to heal, or don't heal in a healthy way, will continue to perpetuate their cycles of abuse, of their trauma, of their unhealthy learned behaviors. Someone who grows up feeling like they are not allowed to express emotions, feeling like they must tiptoe around others' emotions is going to struggle to open up about their feelings, to feel like their emotions are valid, that they're allowed to feel and talk about what they feel, and thus, their relationships with others are impacted. What happens when they are close to someone who feels like they are being deliberately locked out and left in the dark? How do you resolve issues when you feel like you have to pack away your feelings and pretend you're fine, everything is okay?

This is something that permeates ILY at all corners, because it's fundamental to every interpersonal relationship - that we unwittingly pass on the hurt that has hurt us, that our experiences alter our perception, alter our behavior, alter the way we handle things. When I talk about Everyone x Therapy, this is what I mean. Nearly everyone in ILY carries some kind of hurt, some more deeply than others. This includes even the characters we as readers perceive as hurtful: Sangchul, Rand, Yui. Perhaps even Gun Kim, but frankly that is something I cannot bring myself to get into and I think we lack enough information to examine (but even in his case we can look at his father and glean how Gun would turn out the way he did).

Perhaps this will eventually become a series, where I sit and examine some of these characters more closely, as I have with Kousuke and Alyssa. But at this time I'm focusing on Rand, because I find him to be an incredibly polarizing character depending on the take you have. How dare you sympathize with someone who has been such a terrible father tends to be the main gut reaction, but as with all parents of ILY, there is no such thing as a good, perfect parent. At the end of the day, parents are people also trying to navigate their lives with the extra responsibility of someone else they're meant to take care of, to look after, to raise, with few resources and no guidebooks. The one thing ILY has taught me is to re-examine my own life, my relationship with my parents and the ways they hurt vs helped me, and their circumstances. Ultimately, we will always be victims of our circumstances, the results of our experiences.

So! Let's talk about Rand!

Firstmost and foremost, I want it to be clear that I'm not writing this in an effort to make people care about Rand or make him into someone's favorite character, but instead just to help people better understand him and his motivations. Too often I think we fall into the trap of believing that we can only like good characters and that liking those who hurt others or cause harm makes us bad people. But ILY is a fictional story. No one is being hurt. What I think ILY provides us, though, is a deeper understanding of real people and the ways that all people are complex, no matter how shallow they seem. This isn't about making Rand into a favorite character, but instead it's about examining Rand's circumstances.

When we examine characters through a lens of survival, it helps us to better understand their motivations and choices, as well as what is at risk and what they stand to lose which heavily factors into their motivations and why they make the choices they do. There's a lot we still don't know about the nature of Rand and Yui's relationship: were they ever lovers; did she ever fool him into thinking she was something else; was it always a business arrangement? This leads us to further questions, like did he meet Nessa before or after he married Yui? Because so much of ILY is about these cycles and parallels, we can look at Rand and assume that maybe, much like Nol has tried to do, Rand denied himself something he wanted in favor of something else, something he thought he needed more. As a businessman, it's easy to see how perhaps he and Yui were an arranged marriage, something not for love but instead for mutual benefit (and this feels even more plausible given how likely it is that Yui herself was not allowed to inherit the company but instead needed someone who would be adopted into the family via marriage and treated like a true Hirahara and needed him in order to have any role in the family business that she coveted). If Rand knew Nessa before, perhaps he told himself that what he felt about Nessa was a thing that would pass, something he could live without. Perhaps he convinced himself that the ends would justify the means, that his life would be better if he made this choice and denied himself something else he wanted. Love? Love can come and go. You can move on from anyone, anything.

But it's clear to us that Rand never moved on from Nessa. Long after he lost her, he carried her with him in that Bible. He may have told Shinae that it didn't hold luck for him anymore, that it hasn't for a long time, but that doesn't mean it stopped mattering to him. In a time when Nol needed it most, Rand gave up something that had brought him comfort in solace, in hopes that it can provide something of comfort for him, too.

What has been something of a safety raft for Rand to cling to as he treads the waters of survival has now been passed to his son, and I think this is as good a time to examine Rand through this lens of survival, and to better understand why he has made the choices he has and further, that I fear no choice Rand could have made would have been the right choice; it never existed, he was always damned if you do, damned if you don't.

A special interest of quimchee's appears to be female-enacted domestic violence. This has come up a couple times before, and is a theme she's talked about before on streams about wanting to explore, but I think we are seeing that quietly explored in ILY as well, though it's not the forefront of the story. Yui as a character very much is one who leads a reign of reign of terror, who so confidently believes that she is the hero of the story and everyone who stands against her opposes her, and thus are an obstacle to be taken out. Now, I still intend to write at great length about how I view Yui and what are her motivations and drivers, but the watered down summary is: I believe Yui was once the victim of abuse in addition to having always felt like she is lesser simply for being born a woman and bears a grudge against men and deeply resents them for what they are so easily afforded that she is not, that she was never given the opportunity or the space to heal and internalized this to believe that people deserve what happens to them, that those who are incapable of fighting back are deserving of what happens to them. This is integral in understanding Yui and how, yes, Rand's hands have always been tied by her.

I think when I say this, people think this immediately excuses Rand from the hurt he's caused, but it is so very important that we examine the ways that Rand's hands are tied, so that we can understand how nothing could really have been different, to understand why (in his eyes) he is doing the best he was able to. Again, an underlying theme is that people very much are often the victims of their circumstances. Yui herself even touches on this, noting that she is aware she is afforded opportunities, privilege, that most aren't. She herself also takes advantage of circumstances, in order to better orchestrate what she wants. For instance, consider the way Kousuke was left isolated - she took advantage of her husband's unhealthy work/life balance and further drove a wedge between him and his son so that Kousuke would forever feel like he is working towards an (unobtainable) goal, so that Rand would always be greatly out of reach, so that they could never become equals, be peers, so that Kousuke would always feel that feeling of inferiority and then she learned to utilize that inferiority as a weapon against Nol as well as to further isolate Kousuke, leave him dependent upon her.

Yui knows what she's doing, and Rand's circumstances are very much the base of this analysis.

What was the nature of their relationship? Was it simply a business arrangement Rand thought stood to benefit him? Or, a possibility I explore a lot more lately, was it possible that Yui tricked him in some way, took advantage of a more sympathetic nature perhaps Rand once possessed? I don't think we necessarily need to know yet what the circumstances are, because what matters is where that left Rand.

The mukoyoshi theory becomes ever more important the more we learn about these characters, and as we view their situations through the lens of this theory, we start to better understand the dynamics it's created. Supposing this theory holds true - and I believe it must, since we have canonical proof now Rand has taken the Hirahara name as his own - it sets the following precedent: through marriage to Yui, Rand has been adopted into the family as though he himself is a true Hirahara born of their blood, and as it appears that men are afforded more rights/opportunities, in some way Rand holds more rights in Yui's family than Yui herself does. She could not inherit the family company herself and instead had to marry someone else in order to carry on the lineage, had to give birth to a son to carry it on from them. I'm not going to get too deeply into this, because I think this is for another post, but again, this precedence is important because we need to understand why Yui would resent Rand for reasons beyond his affair, why from the very moment he married her he was likely trapped in her web, and why his circumstances were always against him.

Truly the greatest "mistake" Rand likely made was marrying Yui, but we're well beyond that now.

Yui very much is a controlling, abusive partner and it's clear to us now how she's been manipulating and abusing far longer than Rand's infidelity existed. We can see in Kousuke's early memories that the agitation between Rand and Yui in their clashing parenting styles had already become a thing that was wearing him down, that she gloated from her throne where she maintained the upper hand. Yui possesses incredible finesse when it comes to how she orchestrates things, how she nudges the truth, how she hardly has to do any heavy lifting for things to fall right into place. There's a whole essay that could be written on Rand's role in both the company and as a father and the crux of it always comes back to: he was damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. As part of the mukoyoshi concept, Rand has a duty to the company he has inherited, to the family he has been adopted by, to oversee things to ensure things run as well as they can. But as a husband and father, he has an obligation to his family. We see it often in businessmen, in people of the corporate world whose entire livelihoods depend on their career that they must make a choice. At this time it appears as though Yui's father regards Rand favorably, but would he have if Rand had chosen to downsize his responsibilities? Had Rand chosen to be around more as Kousuke was being raised? Especially if it's as we think with the Hirahara family, where childrearing is seen as a woman's role, that this is what Yui should be focusing on and that Rand, the mukoyoshi, had a role to fulfill separate of that?

When Yui told Kousuke that they are different from others, she was not wrong. We cannot view Rand through the same lens we would a man of lesser stature than him. We have to view him through his circumstances.

And his circumstances lead us here: to a man whose wife has probably been playing mind games with him from the get go who is trying his best both as an obligation to the family and his company and also to himself. We get enough glimpses into Kousuke's past to know that it's not that Rand had no interest in his son's life. In fact, Rand on many occasions is seen trying to instill something in Kousuke, trying to help him be aware of both his opportunities and privilege as well as the limitlessness of all that he could grow to be. I can only speculate, but with what we know, I have no doubts there was a lot of clever orchestration on Yui's part as to Rand's availability. They're both chairpersons of the company, and yet one of them was far more tied up - the one of them who is seen as more valuable to the family and company.

I want it made clear: what exists between Rand and Yui (and Kousuke) predates the affair and Nol. Yui was never a scorned lover who took things out on her lover's mistress and son. Had Rand never had an affair, he would still have been in this predicament with Yui and Kousuke, would have always struggled to reach his son as Yui continued to drive that wedge, to orchestrate their differences, to run interference. It was always Yui's intention that Rand be someone so completely out of reach of Kousuke that he would always be stuck vying for his attention, always trying to reach and surpass him, always so hungry or that approval that never came through. It just happened to be that Rand’s affair yielded another child, a potential heir (because it’s through Rand’s blood that the company goes), that she married this commoner man and afforded him everything she’d coveted and he embarrassed her, threw it all in her face, and made her look bad, created a threat to Kousuke’s position. But she already resented him, I think. She already had every intention of using Kousuke to take back what she believes is hers.

At some point, Rand must have grown exhausted, and maybe he gave up. Was that right, was that fair, when he had a child? When giving up hurt that child? When it comes to Rand, I think a lot about the safety demonstrations on airplanes, when they tell you not to try to help others (like your children) until you have helped yourself, until you've got your flotation device, your oxygen mask. If Rand himself is drowning, with Yui running laps around him running him ragged, how can he possibly help Kousuke? How can he possibly keep walking out into a hurricane, getting buffeted and thrown backwards by the wind, using all your energy just trying to catch up, much less ever getting where you need to be?

And that's the thing. When I say Rand's hands are tied, I don't mean it to absolve him - I say it to explain him. That Rand was always losing, that Yui has always had the upper hand. Rand has spent all of his time simply trying to catch up, much less ever getting to make an attack, much less ever getting to be a father.

I think a lot about the fact that at one time, Rand and Yui were separated, but they clearly never divorced. Why? What did he stand to lose if they did? I don't even mean just in his livelihood - though he certainly stood to lose a lot, and what happens to a mukoyoshi if they divorce, what assets would he lose? But more importantly: Rand stood to lose Kousuke. Even married to Yui he cannot protect Kousuke, but to be outside her reach? How much worse could it have been? Kousuke is already so incredibly isolated but we also know that Rand has tried to be Kousuke's father, that he has tried to reach out to him in ways that never reached Kousuke because of the interference Yui ran, because of the mindset that she had instilled in him as a young child that became such an inherent belief to him, because his love was commodified so that nothing he did or said to Kousuke could ever get through to this brain-washed child.

Another aspect of Rand's circumstances that are worth exploring is: he grew up an orphan. He was never adopted, he aged out of the system. Rand never had anyone to rely on, anyone to convey that warmth and love to him as a family might. He aged out and then took his life into his hands and became a self-made man with only his own back to rely on. Think about what that does to a person. Think about the way that might warp their perception of people and kindness and love. Maybe this was why it was so easy for him to choose a marriage for convenience. Maybe this was why he could pass up on the opportunity for real love. Maybe from a young age Rand was disillusioned, thought the world had nothing to offer him - the parallels between him and Nol are honestly staggering. Wouldn't it be so easy to make the choices he did, only to come to regret them later? To get a taste for something you thought impossible, or maybe something you thought you could give up, and be haunted by it?

It's not hard to surmise that Nessa must have been his true love, the one he could not quite give up, the one he couldn't let go of no matter how many years it had been since he made his choices, since he lost her, since everything went so wrong. And I think that as a result, it means that no matter what, his relationship with Nol would always, always be complicated. Nol would always be a reminder of what he had and what he lost - both in love and also in himself.

The parallels are truly staggering, and they extend far beyond the Rand Yui Nessa/Nol Alyssa Shinae cycle repeating itself. The kind of man young Nol described Rand as very much sounds like Yeonggi, like the kind of person Nol presented himself as. Yeonggi wasn't a mask just for Nol's friends - this was who everyone saw him as, including his family. Yeonggi was a means of staying off peoples' radars - never being so bad that he is in trouble, never being so great that he's also in trouble (with Yui and Kousuke). He was pleasant, got along with people, never caused trouble if he could help it. Not once was he roped into the family company - for better or for worse. He joked and laughed a lot, he seemed to always be there for friends. He was so much of what Nessa once saw in Rand.

Was it just that Nessa was the only person who drew that out of Rand? Or was it more of a parallel to Nol, that no matter how hard his life, these were integral core parts of him? Was he, at some point, taken advantage of? Did he trust the wrong person, reach out to someone undeserving? Was his kindness and friendship misconstrued by someone with far more nefarious intentions than he expected?

Something I can't help but think about a lot is the way that Rand always says what he means, but in cryptic ways, in ways Nol - and even often readers - cannot see through, that we have to reread again later. He never explains himself, never says what he means, and what is Nol to do with it, when everything Rand says comes off like a criticism of him no matter what? Much like Rand, Nol is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. Does he please Rand or does he protect himself? Ultimately, they both have Nol's survival in mind, but one looks far less like it.

Consider Rand's words to Nol at the Kim formal - I don't deny that Rand said truly awful things. Does he fully mean what he says? Probably, in more ways than he can explain. When he tells Nol that he should be at Alyssa's side before someone less pathetic than him catches her attention, it feels both like "Do not leave her alone in a place like this with people like this because she will naively trust the wrong person and end up in a dangerous situation" and also "Behaving like this will drive away people like her". Is this the advice Nol needs? From his perspective, no. From his perspective, Rand finds him pathetic, finds him frivolous, thinks he's childish for being so lonely that he seeks out friendship at any opportunity, thinks he acts out just to spite him.

But from Rand's perspective, perhaps he thinks he is preparing Nol for this life - the family, the company, their social circle - the only way he can. He cannot reach out to Nol. He cannot be a father to him, lest Nol get punished more simply for existing. Rand knows all too well. He knows all too well what Yui is capable of - what she has done - and knows that in order to protect Nol, he had to create a buffer, the distance. In a way, it's like he sacrificed his right to be his father in an effort to keep him safe. For better or worse, Nol belongs to this society, too. He, too, needs to be aware of those around him, know who he can trust. In Rand's perspective, maybe Nol DOES look like he's foolish, going around trying to befriend people who might really be someone looking to take advantage of his kindness, who might be in Yui's pocket, who might be someone who doesn't have Nol's well being in mind. In staying with Alyssa, he's also keeping Nol out of harm's way, because he's not getting involved with anything.

Even though what happened to Shinae at the formal was clearly about Kousuke, Gun, and possibly Rand, it did still ultimately involve Nol. It did still ultimately get him involved and hurt - he wound up arrested and blamed for a crime he didn't commit and later took the blame for in court. Rand isn't entirely wrong: when Nol gets involved, it leads to more trouble, because Yui will take any and every opportunity to make his life worse. Even though this wasn't her ultimate goal (and it could be seen that Nol pleading guilty is not what she expected because Nol needs to be around and near Kousuke in order to be effective against him) it still worked to her advantage that it further plays into Nol's image that the public holds against him, that ensures Yui will be believed over Nol.

Rand isn't wrong: Nol underestimates Yui greatly, because he believes everything is about him and doesn't see how much worse it is, how much more of a monster she is, that this isn't about the illegitimate bastard son being a blight against her marriage, that it was always about so much more. And unfortunately we have seen that Rand is correct about other things, too - about how Nol's emotions get the best of him and while the "shove your feelings down and repress them" route is also not correct and healthy, we can see and at least understand why Rand operates the way he does, why he worries the way he does about Nol.

When I say Rand's hands are tied, I mean this: I mean that Rand has never had the opportunity to be a father to his children because Yui has deliberately run interference between him and one and if he shows any sign of affection, any sign of preferential treatment, any indication that he is trying to protect the other, it would make things worse for him.

He knows this.

Rand probably has an inkling about the night Nol was taken away - the first time he lost Nol. More than anyone else, Rand knows who Yui is, but has always been powerless against her. Without any proof of what she does, what can he do? How do you tell people that she is abusive when she doesn't lay a hand on you? When people make jokes of male domestic abuse survivors? How do you get people to see something that barely exists - because Yui doesn't have to get her hands dirty, because she never has to be direct. How do you make people see it?

When I say Rand's hands are tied, I mean whatever choice he makes would never be perfect, would never be right. What if he did it, left Yui and went to be with Nessa and raise Nol. What would change? Kousuke would be left even more alone. At least until now Kousuke felt that he wasn't good enough to receive Rand's care (even as Rand gave it) but what if he was convinced he was abandoned? And anyway, would Yui have stopped had Rand left her? I doubt it. It was never about the infidelity. If anything, it might have been worse. How dare this man, this commoner, come into her family and embarrass her - THEM - this way, to be given everything no one would give her just because he married her and then throw it away for what? Love? For a healthy relationship? To throw away everything she has coveted and worked so hard for? It would be such a slap to the face, an insult to her.

I don't think there was anything Rand could have done that would be "right". Yui would never let him know peace even if he left. If he fought harder, tried harder, maybe she'd have taken him down sooner. Perhaps not - she needed him to get this far so that Kousuke had someone to work towards, so that Kousuke can surpass him - but that doesn't mean she wouldn't have run him more ragged.

Do I agree with every choice he makes? Of course not. But I acknowledge that in his position, his choices are limited. I also acknowledge that in a man like him who has had to repress his emotions (lest Yui have something more to use against him), who has had to deny that he deeply cares (lest Yui continue to use that against him, to leverage it against him), who has been trying his damndest to survive and to help his sons survive when at every opportunity Yui is there to interfere has limited his choices. I understand where his agitation and fear and anger meet and how sometimes they are the same: how he wishes that Nol was never born because none of this would be so bad because if he'd never fathered another child then he wouldn't stand the possibility of being heir there would be no threat - that Nessa might still be alive, that Nol would never have existed to endure the abuse he did. I understand how he can mean and not mean the terrible things because he knows his role in all of this - that this was never about the infidel but it's still about the infidel, that Nol was always in danger no matter where he was. Reading 149 was the first time I really noticed, on a more immediate level - the way Rand speaks in double meanings, and how his fear and anger come out so often in what he says to Nol, because of how much he fears for him, because of how helpless he’s always been to protect him. “Why do you have to be my son?” Because maybe he both regrets that Nol is his son but more than that - what it means for him to be his son, the danger it put him in – that were he anyone else’s son, Yui wouldn’t have cared about him. He wouldn’t be in a position where he ever had to stand before the judge at all, let alone plead guilty for a crime he didn’t commit. “Why am I even trying, all of the effort will just go to waste”. And is he wrong? No matter the outcome, what good is all this effort? Not only that Nol himself can’t read Rand’s mind, but what if it went differently? Yui doesn’t stop - she has no intention and Rand knows it! If not this, it would be something else! “I should have just sent you away to boarding school from the very start.” Again, I don’t deny that a part of Rand probably means what he says, but I think the secondary meaning is still clear - at least if he’d sent Nol away maybe, just maybe, it could have protected him better. Maybe Rand thought keeping him close would be better, where he could see what was going on, maybe he worried he’d be in more danger if he couldn’t monitor him. Maybe a part of him couldn’t help but send away that one tie he had to Nessa - their child - had wanted to protect him for her.

I think that's the difficult thing about Rand. On some level, he acknowledges that thing are worse because Nol exists - but not in a "I hate my child" way but the guilt of a man who knows his child has suffered for his choices, the guilt of a man who knows that two peoples' (three when we include Kousuke, four when we include his own) lives have been ruined because of choices he made. It's not that Rand doesn't love his children - it's that he loves them so incredibly much and he is powerless to help them, that the effort he makes is never good enough that it makes it worse that it can't get through. That's the great tragedy: Rand was always damned if you do, damned if you don't, and it doesn't absolve him of the hurt he's caused Nol, but I also step back and acknowledge: what could he have done differently, that wouldn't have further endangered Nol? On some level, Rand has done what he thought was right. Only in hindsight can you look back and see how your choices were wrong, but even in hindsight you can only speculate, can only suppose. Would it have been better to send Nol away to boarding school, where he could have been away from everything? But that’s the thing with Yui, isn’t it? Her reach seems to extend as far as she wills it and she always gets her way. If she didn’t want Nol to go to a boarding school, she’d still find a way to stop it. And what if Rand had said screw it, stood up to her? Everything Rand did was ultimately to keep Nol and Kousuke alive, even if it was at the detriment of their relationship. He could have more openly defied Yui, but would she have let him get away with it? And who would protect Nol and Kousuke in his absence, if she did away with him sooner rather than later, if he went from being a fun game to an obstacle to be eliminated? 

Rand was always doomed to fail. That is the thing about Yui's trap - she was always set to have that advantage, Rand has always been trying to keep up. There was never a route where he succeeds here, because she always has the upperhand. What could Rand do for either of his sons that wouldn't have backfired? In a way, Rand's game has really been about the long haul. At some point, he must've known he'd never get to be their fathers. He tried! He continued to try. His methods aren't good but he tries to protect Nol, he tries to get through to Kousuke, he tries to give them the comfort he never had the opportunity to, but it's too late, it's all too late, but they are alive and that is what matters.

When Rand shows up after that night of absolute concern and worry, concerned about both of his sons, for the second time he runs the risk of losing Nol. He knows that it's too late, that nothing he can do at this point will help. He knows that at this point it's better to walk away, to leave Nol in the hands of those who can openly love him and openly take care of him, in the hands of those who don't endanger his life for caring. But we know that Rand loves him, no matter how much he has let his fear and anger mix up. We know what it has cost him, what he has lost.

The version of Rand that Nessa spoke of has never shown up. I don't think it's not that he never existed - it's that somewhere along the way he lost himself, the price he paid for perhaps the mistakes he made or the greatness he amassed. Maybe it was both. But he lost himself. He lost his sense of self, his identity. He lost both his sons, in more than one way. Rand, like so many others, is a character whose choices are rooted in his efforts at survival - but unlike others who are struggling to survive themselves, Rand's choices have been rooted so heavily in trying to help his children survive, too. He, more than anyone else, knows how dangerous Yui truly is, knows what she is capable of, knows that this is not only about Nol was never about Nol or the infidel, that it was always about more.

And yes, part of the tragedy is that when it comes to these cycles of abuse, sometimes the abused goes on to abuse, too. Rand closed himself off, repressed his feelings, tried to pretend he doesn't care, tried to hide how much he cared, and it still had ramifications. He did this to protect himself but look how it hurt others. And had done the opposite, it would have further hurt him and them. Something we as an audience come to realize is that Yui is so skilled at her manipulation, her execution of abuse, how she uses everything against everyone. Even her own son tries to hide his interests from her, tries to shut her out of his life because he, too, knows all too well what happens when Yui catches wind of any interest. So Rand closes himself off, he becomes an isolated fortress, an impenetrable island of a man that no one can reach and can reach no one. Maybe it's better, in his mind, that he was a cold, terrible father than one who couldn't protect him.

But the unfortunate truth is: there was so little Rand could ever do to protect them. He failed them, and not for lack of trying, but regardless, it was a failure still. And worse, because he was so blinded to what was happening, because so much of it was happening out of his line of sight, not only did he fail to protect Nol, but he drove him to another unforseen danger, one that he had hoped might be a life raft after all.

In the end, a man struggling cannot do much to save others when eh can barely save himself.

In the end, when Yui ties someone's hands, she does so expertly.

[victorluvsalice]

AU Thursday: Valicer In The Dark -- Fun With Special Abilities

We're back with my beloved Blades In The Dark trio again today, this time to discuss the fun special abilities they pick up during their time as scoundrels! I've touched upon this topic before, when I did the initial post on the group's playbooks, but I wanted to explore it in more detail now that I'm actually posting fic for the verse. Because there are a LOT of fun special abilities that these three can snag, both from their own playbooks and others. :D Here are the ones I've gotten locked down so far:

-->Alice: Alice, as per previous posts, actually starts with two special abilities -- Not To Be Trifled With, which allows her to perform superhuman feats of strength or take on a gang of up to six people on equal footing (like, say, a certain Bluecoat squad), and The Devil's Footsteps, which allows her to perform superhuman feats of agility (like a real-life double jump onto a carriage roof) or dance around her enemies so they attack each other. These two I think cover her Wonderland abilities in AMA and A:MR very well, and given that she starts with a trauma, Haunted, it felt only fair. As for the abilities she'll pick up as a member of the Three Pillars, we have --

A) Vigorous -- she heals faster from harm! In game-mechanical terms, this means she permanently fills in one quarter of her "healing clock" (a four-segment clock where you have to fill in all the segments to reduce all your accumulated harm down a level) and takes an extra die on healing rolls. This goes well with my headcanon that Alice heals exceptionally well (to explain how she survived a massive house fire with no visible burns on her character model) and just makes the whole process of healing easier for the person most likely to get in a fight (because it's fucking TOUGH in this game).

B) Bodyguard -- she's better at protecting her teammates from threats! She gets an extra die on resistance rolls (which allow her to avoid or reduce the consequences of an action) to protect Victor or Smiler from something or someone, and gets extra effect (aka better quality info) when she researches potential threats beforehand. This felt like a good one for Alice because I imagine she wants to make very sure that nothing horrible happens to Victor or Smiler during their time as scoundrels -- they're her new family, and she doesn't want to lose them! And it goes very well with a trauma I want to give her in the future -- but that's another post...

C) Ghost Fighter -- she can imbue her hands, melee weapons, or tools with electroplasmic power, giving her an edge against supernatural foes! Specifically, she gains potency against them (which improves the effect of her rolls against them) and can actually physically grapple with ghosts and other electroplasmic creatures to restrain them. This is just cool, and I think it would be something Alice would want, especially if and when they tangle against more supernatural creatures -- but this one actually comes with a prerequisite: Victor's gotta know the Ritual special ability first (see his section below the read-more). Because as Victor is the "magic guy" of the group, I feel like this is something they'd work on together. (Maybe after they turn Alice's knife into a electroplasmically-charged weapon by tying it to his lightning hook during their fight against the Jabberwock?)

D) Savage -- she is fucking scary when she unleashes the physical violence. Meaning she can frighten anyone who sees it, and gets a bonus die on rolls to then Command a terrified target. I see this as just a natural consequence of her getting better at real-world violence and the gang's reputation as a trio not to be messed with growing as time passes. Think of it as Alice basically entering real-life Ragebox Mode or Hysteria Mode -- that'd be pretty scary, wouldn't it? (And it also ties in well with that trauma I'll be talking about later...)

-->Victor: Victor starts with the Ghost Mind special ability -- he is always aware of any ghosts or other electroplasmic entities in his vicinity, and he also gets an extra die when he researches the supernatural. This felt the most appropriate for him given that I had him get dragged into the ghost field -- the supernatural echo of the city where ghosts actually live -- for an entire day as part of the process of adapting Corpse Bride for this setting. I mean, that would have to have some sort of side effect, right? As for what he gets as time goes on, we have --

A) Strange Methods -- he's better at inventing and making stuff that is a little arcane (like magical potions and odd spirit-related gadgets)! Game-mechanically, he gets a better result when he makes these kinds of things, and he automatically learns how to make one particular thing for free (instead of having to learn about it and figure out the process for making it during play). This special ability is going to cover Victor learning how to infuse insects (specifically moths and butterflies) with electroplasm to turn them into little radiant energy generators (radiant energy being the closest thing this setting gets to sunlight -- as you might imagine, it's pretty important for growing crops and thus important for making sure their greenhouse actually works!). It felt like the closest match for that project! Plus it might be fun to figure out what else he can make going forward...

B) Ritual -- he knows how to do ritual sorcery and can study or even invent his own rituals to call upon arcane powers! Much like Strange Methods above, he also gets one ritual that he knows for free when he takes this ability. This was another contender for the whole "how Victor figures out how to make radiant energy butterflies" thing above (though I obviously decided Strange Methods fit better), and I knew I wanted him to get this one regardless because come on, it's cool and dangerous magic. Who doesn't want cool and dangerous magic? XD And, as indicated above, it feels like a good prerequisite to some of the abilities he and his friends get, both as individuals and as a team -- I mean, Ghost Fighter feels like something you would need a ritual for, right? That being said, I'm not planning for every magical spell Victor gets through this ability being a straight-up ritual -- instead, this will also cover him learning the demonic language of sorcery, a concept briefly mentioned in the book that I found very cool and wanted to use more. Victor will still have to pay a stress cost to speak things into existence using the language, of course, and learn what various words mean and how to pronounce them, but he just has to say them to trigger the effect. I'm not sure what his first ritual or spell will actually be, mind, but I'm looking forward to finding out!

C) Warded -- he has special armor that allows him to deal better with supernatural nonsense! Specifically, he can "expend" the armor (check off the box on his playsheet) during a score to avoid supernatural consequences coming his way as a result of something he did, or to push himself (generally means picking up an extra die for your roll) when dealing with arcane forces, without having to take stress. I think this is a cool thing that Victor would very much like to have while dealing with the supernatural beasties he might encounter inside the city (as he can already tell that they're there) -- I picture his "special armor" as a coat he enchants with Elder Gutknecht's help, covering it in strange glyphs and suchlike to imbue it with arcane-busting power. (...actually, maybe he's inspired to make the coat after his ghost-busting score with Bonejangles. Must keep that in mind.)

D) Ghost Veil -- he can shift himself back into the ghost field for a few moments, becoming as shadowy and insubstantial as a ghost! In game terms, he takes two stress to do this, plus one extra stress if he wants to make it last longer, make himself fully invisible, and/or give himself the ability to float It's very cool, and it felt like the sort of thing that Victor would be able to do after his little trip into the ghost field courtesy of Emily -- it just takes him a bit to properly "unlock" the power. I was originally thinking that Ritual would have to be a prerequisite for it as a result (as Victor wouldn't figure it out until he got deeper into studying spellcraft and sorcery), but if it's something that's another side effect of his "ghost bride" adventures, maybe it's just something he stumbles on accidentally -- like, he does it on reflex during a fight, and the trick is figuring out how he triggered the effect so he can do it deliberately. I mean, it's probably still going to come after Ritual, simply because I plan for him to take that early, but -- yeah.

E) Tempest -- he can push himself to unleash a bolt of lighting as a weapon, or summon a storm (rain, fog, high winds, heavy snow) in his immediate area! Costs him two stress in game terms, but I think it's worth. This is just downright cool, and I love the idea of Victor being able to do something so powerful. He is more dangerous than he looks with this! This one definitely does have Ritual as a prerequisite, though, because I picture this ability as being tied to the demonic language of sorcery (hell, the book itself implies that it is). So Victor has to be able to use said language before he can fry people with lightning. Small price to pay!

-->Smiler: Smiler starts with the Alchemist special ability -- they're good at brewing up anything with alchemical features (drugs, non-magical potions, things like that), and get one formula that they already know for free. Since my concept for them in this verse is "cultist drug dealer," and I've always pictured them as an excellent chemist regardless of the universe they're currently occupying, this was a no-brainer as their starting ability. And as you might expect, their free formula is their signature Joy Serum -- after all, you can't be a drug dealer if you don't know how to make the drug. XD Anyway, as for what they get while running around with Victor and Alice, we have --

A) Physicker -- they gain enough medical knowledge to serve as the team doctor! Specifically, in game terms, this lets them Tinker with people's bodies to treat wounds and stabilize the gravely injured; Study maladies to see how to treat them and corpses to see how they died; and gives everyone in the crew an extra die when it comes to healing rolls. This is something that I think Smiler would like to pick up just to help keep their partners safe and healthy -- being a scoundrel is a dangerous job, after all, and hurt or sick friends are unhappy friends! Plus it's just good in practical terms, because, as I mentioned before, healing is tough in this game, and any advantage you can get is a good one!

B) A Little Something On The Side -- they get extra money after every score! In game terms, this means that at the end of every "downtime" phase (time after scores when characters work on projects and acquire assets and relieve stress and suchlike), they get two extra "stash" (how the game tracks each scoundrel's personal finances -- how much stash you have determines how good your character's lifestyle is and if your character ends up destitute on the street or in a halfway-decent home when they retire). I think this is a good one for Smiler simply because it feels like a good way to represent mechanically them still continuing to sell Joy Serum when they're not doing scores with Victor and Alice. They may not be living with the Advocates anymore, but that does not absolve them of their responsibility to bring chemical joy to the masses! Though, given that Smiler canonically sells their Joy Serum for cheap, maybe I'd reduce this to one extra stash. We'll see.

C) Mesmerism -- they have the ability to not only talk someone into something, but also make them forget that they were ever talked into it! Specifically, when they successfully Sway someone, they can also choose to have the person forget that it happened -- at least, until they next time they see Smiler, at which point they are like "HEY!" XD This one just feels like an appropriate one to me because it fits well with the actual rollercoaster's theme of hypnosis and mind control. And I did give Smiler a little hypno-wheel as one of their starting gadgets -- maybe they use that when they're using this ability? Or maybe this is an additional blessing from Mar-Mal that they get for helping the Advocates out with something...hmmm. I'll have to think about it. Point is, it's thematically appropriate, and could make for some interesting scenes.

D) Functioning Vice -- they're better at indulging their vice in a way that does not cause them to overindulge -- and can help Victor and Alice do the same! In game terms, this means whenever Smiler indulges their vice (which is how you reduce stress after scores -- you roll dice equal to your lowest attribute score and remove the highest number from your stress tracker), they can adjust the roll up or down by one or two to prevent overindulgence -- and any allies who indulge with them can do the same. I saw this in action in Oxventure Presents: Blades In The Dark with Johnny's character Kasimir in the second season, and holy fuck is it useful. Like, this is the ability to get if you want to make sure your scoundrels can reduce their stress quickly and safely. And Johnny was using it on a character whose vice was Obligation and involved Kasimir tending his busted knee -- Smiler's vice is Pleasure! Do you know how much easier that is to pair with another vice? Alice has an Obligation to keep an eye on the children of Houndsditch? Take 'em on a picnic! Victor has a taste for the Weird? Go on a shopping trip to a bookstore to look for occult books! Want to do something all together? Take the kids out and have Victor demonstrate some of the safer magic tricks he's learned! :D Seriously, this is going to be like their best special ability --

Which is why it's kind of a shame that I've already come up with a score revolving around them overindulging their vice at the Golden Plum restaurant and then having to help Chef Roselle there get ingredients for a new dish. XD So yeah, Smiler can only get this ability after that happens. Probably inspires them to be more careful when indulging their desires!

E) Trust In Me -- they're better at anything they may choose to do against a target who they already have an intimate relationship with! Basically, in any roll against someone whom they already know well, they get an extra die -- and no, it doesn't have to be a social roll, nor does the relationship have to be that kind of intimate -- they just have to be close. I think this one fits Smiler simply because they're the most extroverted of the three, and probably have all sorts of friends scattered around the city that could be convinced to help the Three Pillars on their various scores. I do picture them using this mainly to help Sway friends to their various causes -- Smiler's a lover, not a fighter, and wouldn't want to damage the friendship by doing something mean. Though if someone they like decides to be an ass to them first -- well, all bets are off. Smiler may not be good at throwing a punch, and not want to hit a friend, but if they have to...

Whew! Quite the lists, huh? And this isn't even getting into the special abilities the trio can pick up as a crew! Not to mention the upgrades I have planned for their lair... I think telling you all about that will have to be a separate post, though. This one's long enough already. XD