#I was listening to Make Me Feel by Janelle Monae while writing this :)

[mcondance]

come close; hobie brown

getting high and talking about anarchy with some old 90's shit playing is a crazy way to fall for someone. but it happens.

pairing hobie brown x Black!afab!fem! reader

contents lots of weed, different terms for weed (mary jane, cess), talks of killing politicians (y’all r both anarchists so.), masturbation (both you and hobie), making out, fingering, riding, missionary, mating press, creampie, unprotected sex (they're horny man dwbi), dirty talk, cervix kissing, lotsssss of praise, porn with plot (sorry i love plot 🙏🏾)

words 4.7k.. back on my longer fic shit!

warnings reader wears lipgloss, barely proofread so if you see any mistakes pls shoot me an ask!, umm i use the n word once!, i’m also,, not that great at writing his voice yet so.. hope it’s at least sorta accurate :3

extras the form i wrote this in is kinda,, unique igs but it flows rlly well i feel.

song shoutouts special thanks to lipstick lover by janelle monae, come close by common and mary j. blige, and green eyes by erykah badu!

signing off happy father’s day to hobie 🫶🏾

—

not quite plug!hobie, but hobie who always has weed, who you smoke with the first time you buy from him.

you usually don’t smoke with randoms, but you hear some old 90's rap playing from inside his car, and he invites you in when you comment on it.

"what you know bout this?" you ask with a smile.

"a lot, actually. you wanna smoke and listen?"

not quite plug!hobie who's fine as fuck as he sits opposite you in his ride, tall and darkskin with cool ass hair. wild ass accent and even wilder style, but he makes it work. his music taste adds on to his overall allure.

but his political views? god. the charm in the shape of a little 'a' surrounded by a circle hanging from his mirror lets you know that he ain't like these other niggas.

he's an anarchist. so far, you're the only anarchist you know. it's so rare to find someone who has the same values as you.

not quite plug!hobie who's car you leave with music recs clumsily typed into your notes, and someone to talk about politics with, though you're too shy to text the pretty boy with the good weed, so you're sure it'll never happen.

not quite plug!hobie who texts you when you get home to make sure you arrived safely.

"driving while high ain't safe, ya know? you at home?"

"i've done it before. i made it home."

not quite plug!hobie who's so nice to you, complimenting your outfits and hair, even noticing when you meet him the 3rd time with a new style.

not quite plug! hobie who you find out has been giving you discounts when your friends ask if you ever bought from him after their recommendation, and you run them in on the details. you think it’s just cause y’all smoked the first time you ever bought from him and you bonded over political views and music. you don’t think nothing else of it.

not quite plug!hobie who you find yourself thinking about more and more often, ever since that first time y'all smoked together.

not quite plug!hobie who finds himself in the same predicament.

not quite plug!hobie who answers the door on your 6th buy in a pair of red sweats and a tight white t-shirt that hugs his lanky frame, hair tied up with a blue shoe string. he invites you into his crib, citing reasons of having no one else to talk to about his views with. after all, it's the first time you both have time to sit and talk and listen to music instead of a quick deal since that first time.

not quite plug!hobie who you get faded as fuck with, this time sharing a joint on his janky couch, heavy hands brushing against each other with each pass. he tries to ignore the aching in his very core every time you speak your mind, your aligning politics driving him crazy.

you mirror him, shaking off the.. arousal?.. no, it can't be. you can't be getting all heated just cause a man is an anarchist. whatever. just ignore it.

not quite plug!hobie who laughs when you tell him straight up, “people aren’t killing politicians anymore. that’s our fuckin’ problem.”

"really? you're wild. but i get it."

"course you do." you nod, taking another drag of the joint. erykah badu's "green eyes" is playing quietly in the background of your convo. hobie starts laughing.

"what?" you smile.

"song's called green eyes, right? well we got red eyes." it's corny and wouldn't be funny if you two weren't high as shit, but you are high as shit, so it's fucking hilarious.

not quite plug!hobie who's eyes linger on you as he pulls laugh after laugh out of your chest with his snarky little jokes.

not quite plug!hobie who walks you to your car after your smoke session, telling you to get home safely. he passes out after his head hits the bed, that after smoke sleep being some of the best he's ever had. he tries to chase you out of his mind as he succumbs to the cess.

not quite plug!hobie who lights a joint and then pulls his dick out the next day, hard and heavy, and strokes it thinking about his pretty little client— friend? whatever — hips stuttering as he wraps his hand around his thick base. he's tried to shake you off, went all day distracting himself with this and that, but it's not working.

not quite plug!hobie who cums in white spurts splattering on his chest to the thought of making you cum in a room filled with smoke, some old r&b playin as he dicks you down the way he's been wanting to since the first time your pretty ass came to him asking for some weed. he wants you bent over on the end of his bed, eyes low and red while he fills you up and fucks you good, gives you his dick like he feels you so rightfully deserve.

not quite plug!hobie who you seriously can't stop thinking of. last night's smoke session has you on edge, so you light another joint, but weed always gets you horny, so when you slip your fingers into your panties and touch yourself to the thought of the pretty darkskin boy with the piercings and cool hair pushing his fat cock into your pretty hole, you blame it on the mary jane sitting pretty in your veins.

the fault lies in the mary jane for making you think about him laid on top of you, talking you through it as he damn near kisses your cervix, his wiry hands roaming your body. the fault lies in the mary jane for having your legs shaking, imagining your pretty plug folding you in half and ruining you, leaving you and your cunt sore and satisfied and dripping his cum.

not quite plug!hobie who cleans up while telling himself that he can't do this again, that you're not interested in him.

not quite plug!hobie who you block out of your mind as you shower. what you did wasn't right. it won't happen again.

not quite plug!hobie who you don’t buy from for a minute, cause you’re trying to stop smoking so much, for a while. you still keep in contact with him, though. daily texts, funny memes, and of course talks of anarchy. one day, you call him “bee” instead of hobie, and it sticks. he likes it.

not quite plug!hobie… who you fuck yourself to again, this time slipping three fingers inside your greedy cunt to satiate the need for him. it’s almost every night, and it’s a different fantasy every time. 

in the backseat of his car, bent over on his counter, pressed into his couch cushions. your head pressing into your pillows while visions of hobie’s lips pressed to your ear praising you endlessly for being his good girl and taking him so well torment you. you’re insatiable, but when you text you have to pretend like you don’t want his piercing scraping against your clit as he eats you like a man starved.

not quite plug!hobie who has the same dilemma as you.. he can’t even go a couple of hours without growing hard in his sweats, glimpses of you spread out on his bed with your thighs thrown over his shoulders, or you face down ass up, sobbing in pure ecstasy. it’s not made better by y’all’s constant texting, more and more of your personality being revealed to him each day.

you both share one brain, really. and that one brain finds each other attractive, of course, but it’s not just that. it’s not just pure lust. you two have more in common than anyone you’ve ever met, and that sinks ache and want so deep into you that every night and day is spent trying to rid yourselves of it.

not quite plug!hobie who you buy from again almost two weeks later, two weeks that were filled with funny conversations and deep discussions of politics through text. two weeks that solidify the growing feelings you have for each other. this time, he’s wearing a pair of blue sweats and a tight black tee, and his hair is tied up just like the first time you came to his house. this time, brandy’s playing throughout his crib.

you’ve only known each other for about two months, but it feels like longer, for the both of you. you take your seat on the couch as he grabs his stash and his papers, pulling out one paper to roll up.

not quite plug!hobie who sits a little bit closer than he did last time. he smells good. your head is swimming already. 

not quite plug!hobie who lights up and then lets you take the first hit, watching you wrap your glossy lips around the joint like he doesn’t wish they were wrapped around his dick instead. you pass the joint to him and settle onto the couch, raking your eyes over his lanky frame, and what you swear is a hard-on. no way. it has to be the weed. 

he settles back onto the couch too, extending his long arms on the back. his arm comes up behind your head, and you rest your head on it, smiling dopily when he directs his hazy gaze your way. his playlist must have ended. you're left with him and your thoughts.

“you’re funny, you know?” he says through a breath of smoke, passing the joint to you.

“yeah?” you reply, hitting it again. “everyone tells me i’m just corny.”

“you’re not corny. you’re pretty hilarious, if i’m bein’ honest.” 

and there it is again.

not quite plug!hobie whose words light that fire in you again, the fire that you’ve been dousing every night for the past two fucking weeks. fuck, not here. not now. you grab the joint from him in an attempt to push more weed into your system to flush him out, but you meet his pretty fuckin’ brown eyes and they’re low and his lips looks so good and he smells so good and suddenly you’re asking not quite plug who you’re two seconds away from fucking!hobie why he’s been charging you less than everyone else who buys from him and why he invited you into his car and into his house, twice.

and not quite plug who really wants to kiss you right now!hobie can’t even joke and twist his way out of this one. he’s tired of cumming alone to the thought of you. the worst you can do is leave. but the best? god, so many things.

“'s cause i think you’re pretty. n' i really wanna kiss you right now.”

“then do it.”

not quite plug!hobie who tastes like weed and chocolate. the hand that was resting on the back of the couch finds it’s way to the small of your back, fingers drawing nonsensical shapes into it. your hands find his knee and his neck as you press your lips into his. you slide closer to him, and then he’s using the hand resting on your back to push you into his lap, hands settling on your hips as you settle above him, your hands circling around his neck.

“how long?” you ask between kisses.

“since the day you walked up to my car.” he responds quietly, cheeks heating up with embarrassment. he’s quick to trap your lips again.

god, he is hard. and he’s big, you can feel him pressing against the inside of your thigh. you hold your tongue, figuring you could deal with that later. right now, you just need to get out what you’ve been keeping in since the day you two met and you spotted the little ‘a’ hanging from his mirror.

the kiss grows deeper and he grows a little less shy, starting to use his hands gripping your waist to grind you against him. heat floods you when you realize that he's pulling you onto his cock, pressing your cunt against him, separated by the fabric of his sweats and your shorts.

you find his rhythm, falling into the pattern of his soft pushes and presses, a gentle lull of bodies moving against each other that makes you even more comfortable than you already are. soft little groans escaping the both of you, mixing with the smoke and infatuation in the air.

he lets you move the way you want, lithe fingers tracing up your back, hovering over where your hair falls onto your neck. he keeps kissing you for a minute, seemingly frozen. but then he's pulling away to speak, "can i- can i touch your hair?"

you stop moving with a smile. you nod. "yeah. thanks for asking." you kiss him again.

"course, love." he nods, and then he kisses you again. his long fingers snake into your hair, gently and softly. he strokes his hands through your locks, in time with your kisses and the movements of your hips that have started again. hands migrating from his neck, sliding down his chest, laying flat-palmed. your fingers slide under his tee, curling and gripping to pull him ever closer to you.

not quite plug!hobie who could kiss you forever. you could too, but you want more. you need him. so you pull away just a little, murmur "can feel you against me." chills rack through him at your words.

"i know. 'm so hard, darlin'." he pushes his hips up just a little, drawing a muffled whine from you.

"been wantin' you so bad.." you trail off. hobie takes it upon himself to move his hands from your hair to the waistband of your shorts, eyes fixed on yours, watching your every move. you nod, giving him permission to snake his fingers into your shorts, fingers that are met with no resistance.

"no panties? did'ya plan this, doll?" he smiles, slim fingers exploring your wetness, doing what he can with the limited space.

"mhm." you shake your head. "'s more comfortable." he hums in agreement. he circles your clit with his middle finger, dipping towards your entrance to collect more slick. you push down against his fingers, causing him to have to crane his wrist to reach you.

"can we take these off? can't touch you the way i wanna." you blush, averting your eyes to focus on the hand that disappears into your shorts.

"yeah." you breathe shakily, standing up and letting hobie pull them down your legs, hands on his shoulders as balance. your shirt is long, and it falls down to give you some modesty. hobie throws your shorts somewhere behind you before he leans back, giving you space to sit back down.

he looks so fucking good, brown eyes staring at you like you hung the stars in the sky. he reaches out for you, pulling you back into his lap by your hips. his hand disappears under your shirt while his lips find yours again, exploring you more freely this time.

"so wet, doll." he murmurs between one kiss and another, smiling when you whine. his fingers move at different speeds, pressing in different areas and circling at different speeds until he finds a combination that makes you jolt against him, whining "bee."

"thaaaaat's it, love." this time, you don't return your lips to his, instead tucking your head into his neck as you hump shamelessly against his hand, his cock pressing hard and heavy against your thigh. "keep going, baby," he urges, "show me how it feels."

and you do. you shiver and shake and whine and groan in pleasure, pressing kisses in his brown skin as he touches you the way he touched himself thinking about.

not quite plug!hobie who presses his thumb into your clit, sliding his hand farther down to tease your drooling hole. "'s wet, love. g'na feel so good 'round me." you moan loudly at that, at the thought of your fantasies coming true. you cant your hips down, sliding down his fingers until they're seated inside you, stroking gently at your sensitive walls.

pulling them out softly, he curls his fingers, twisting his wrist as you whine and mouth at his neck. "'s okay. you can bite." he nods, catching onto what you were holding yourself back from. you still don't, resign to licking and sucking instead.

until his fingers catch the spongy spot inside you, and your teeth are sinking into the column. "fuck," you damn near shout, pushing yourself onto his hand. he groans in response, pleased to be pleasing you and indulging in the pain you inflict on him. thumb on your clit and fingers playing with that spot, he brings his other hand from your hip to your hair to soothe you, to ground you.

it's sweet, really, his hand in your hair while the other one touches you the way you've been dreaming of. coos and hums meet your ears, soft sounds of affirmation egging you on to let yourself get lost in the pleasure he delivers you. arousal steadily dripping out of your hole, hobie's fingers sliding easier and easier inside you until he can pull out and slip right back in.

"you're so pretty, dove, fuckin' dreamgirl." he murmurs, staring down at your pretty face, arched eyebrows turned down in ecstasy, lips parted. the praise takes you closer and closer to the edge, his deep voice reverberating throughout your entire being, the pangs of arousal in your clit growing harder and faster. you're close.

you're so goddamn close to cumming for a boy you just wanted to buy from. his long fingers reach deep, deeper than you could ever even dream of. “hobie- i- i’m g’na-” you stutter against his neck, hips stuttering against his fingers.

“‘s okay, love, cum. i’m right here.” the rubber band snaps, and you're tightening your thighs around his hand while you shake and shiver, eyes closed tight with soft whines of "hobie, god it feels so good" tumbling from your lips. you tighten around his fingers, too, squeeze him so tight he winces, cause he just knows you're gonna feel so good wrapped around him. he pushes that thought away, though, focused on helping you ride out your orgasm.

fingers pressing into your clit and that spot inside you, he makes sure to milk every last second of your climax, eyes fixed on your ethereal features. aftershocks still racking through you, you finally open your eyes, and he takes it as a sign to gently pull his fingers out of you and wipe them on his sweats, and you shudder at the feeling.

"that was. . so much better than i imagined. n' i imagined it being pretty good." you smile and giggle, placing a kiss on his neck. he laughs in response, raising his eyebrows at your confession.

"bet i'm a better fuck than you imagined, too." the air in the room shifts again, and suddenly you're aware of his cock pressed against your thigh through his sweats again.

"bet you are."

you raise up, kissing him again as your hands find the waistband of his sweats and invite themselves in, meeting his dick that's been hard since you first sat down on his couch. "and i'm the one who planned this? you're free-balling." you murmur against his lips, and he mirrors your words from earlier.

"'s more comfortable, 's all— fuck." he's cut off when you pull his cock out of his sweats and run your finger over his pretty brown tip, dipping into his slit. his hips thrust up, chasing your soft hand. "g'na drive me crazy." he almost whines, jerking against you when you swipe your thumb against his aching tip again.

"just returnin' the favor." you shoot back, raising up to hover over him, swiping his leaking dick through your wetness. he wraps his hand around his thick base, moving in time with your teasing strokes. "you're big." you groan, hesitating to seat yourself on him.

"i know, doll, you can take it though. we'll make you take it." he speaks into your clothed chest, muffled and horny, and you’re sure he means what he says. you drip even more at his words, sticky slick wetting his fat tip.

not quite plug!hobie whose hands are on your hips as you sink down onto his pretty dick, whining into his neck as he encourages you. “you got it, baby, you’re takin’ me so well. god, she’s so wet.”

"she— fuck that's so hot," you moan, eyes rolling back at his words.

"mhm?" he hums.

you don't respond, too busy focusing on his fat cock pushing into you, focusing on the way you both make it fit, exactly like he said you would. finally, he bottoms out, your thighs resting against his sweats.

"g' job, babe. knew you could take me." you jolt against him, his heady words sending another pang of arousal straight to where you two meet.

not quite!plug hobie who you tell to move, raising your hips up as he pulls out, meeting him in the middle as he fills you back up. his hips slot against yours again, and his big chocolate eyes are fixed on yours, gazing upon you in adoration, while your eyes are fixed on where he disappears into you.

"so big, feels s'good. ." you whisper, meeting his gaze. the look in his eyes has chills running down your spine as you raise your hips again, choosing to connect your lips with his again. hobie starts to find a rhythm, now, wrapping his long arms around your waist. you swap spit with him as his hips meet your ass, taking over.

body bouncing with each of his thrusts into your pussy, arms wrapped around his neck. his lips slipping against yours, plump and wet. you both take it slow, basking in the feeling of finally being like this with someone you've wanted since you first saw them.

he fills you up so nicely, thick cock nestled in your achy walls, leaking tip just barely kissing your cervix as he thrusts just a bit harder and you push down a little more.

"y'feel me, darlin? 'm all the way in, at the end of you, god, 'm g'na make you mine." he babbles in pleasure, pushing his hips up even harder. still soft, but firm, and deliberate.

you nod against his lips, hand resting on his cheek. "feel you, bee, feel you in my fuckin' stomach, i swear." you feed off of him and he feeds off of you, kissing and slapping your hips against the others, wild and wanting. "fuckin' me so good, bee, makin' me yours."

"makin' me yours, doll, pussy's squeezin' me like she don't w'na let go."

"don't wanna let go, wan' you so bad." you confess, bringing your ass down onto his cock again. "i— fuck," you sob. his cock curves just right, and with his tip pressing against your spot now, hobie's found new determination.

"that it?" he asks, making sure to keep hitting that spongy patch of skin with every thrust, sheathing his cock in your wet heat.

"'s it, hobie, feels so good, shit." the high has worn off by now, leaving pure emotions and desire driving you two. you get tight around him again, cunt pulsing with every slam of his hips against yours. you feel so good around him, so tight and wet.

"'m g'na—, you're gonna make me cum, bee."

he moves one hand from around your waist at that, sliding between you two to toy with your clit, thumb rubbing wild shapes against the throbbing bud.

"fuck," you cry, grinding against his thumb and down onto his dick.

"you close again, doll? wan' you to wet me up, ma'me a mess," he encourages, big brown eyes fixed on yours like they've been the whole night.

"'m so close, bee, wanna cum for you, wanna wet you up."

"then do it." he mirrors your words from earlier, and the pleasure pulsing through your veins and infatuation swirling around in your blood gets to be too much, and you cum on his cock, still slamming your hips down onto him, meeting his thrusts in the middle. "thaaaat's it, doll." you hear hobie praise through the fog in your mind, bounces turned to messy grinds as you get all tight around him, cumming hard.

"y'alright, love?" he asks, moving your hair out of your face.

"mhm. w'na go again, you haven't come yet." he chuckles at your words, wrapping both hands around your waist and kissing you again.

"lay back, love." he murmurs against your lips, flipping you onto the couch. your back meets the smooth fabric as he lays you down, pulling his tee and his sweats off. you follow suit, stripping your shirt off and throwing it somewhere behind his couch. his watchful eyes fall on your face, then your tits, then your cunt, taking your body in for the first time.

he finds his place on top of you, balancing himself on his elbows as he kisses you again. he reaches down, but you stop him. "lemme do it," you urge, replacing his hand. you line him up with your sopping entrance, nodding twice to tell him to push in.

the stretch is so fucking good, his cock bullying it's way into your tight cunt again.

"fuck, that's it," he curses, watching your face as he seats himself in your once again.

"so deep. ." you trail off, looking down at your stomach, and oh fuck, no way.

"hobie, hobes, look," you urge, and he points his gaze to where you're looking.

"oh, love, look at that. can see myself, right there," he presses down on the bulge he creates, ripping a broken moan straight from your throat.

"fuck me, please," you sob, squirming under him. he nods, understanding, and finds his rhythm easier this time, lean hips slapping against you. your body jolts up the couch with every thrust, choppy whines of nonsensical sentences leaving your mouth.

not quite plug who's absolutely pussydrunk!hobie can't get enough of your cunt, the way you squeeze him oh so tight, the wet squelches of your heat drawing him further into madness. he needs to go deeper, needs to fuck you harder, so he raises up, throwing your legs over his shoulders, leaning back down to bury his cock deep inside you.

"baby, fuck." it's a gritted groan, head rolling back onto the couch as he mouths at your neck, licking and biting at your heated skin. his thrusts are slow and firm, dick kissing your cervix, the slaps sounding out through his living room.

you're both quiet this time around, too blissed out to do anything but fuck, allowing yourselves to succumb to pleasure. every inch of his cock fills you, driving you crazy, driving him crazy too. it's intimate, his lips on your neck, your fingers palming at his back, limbs tangled together. and you can feel it building up in you again.

"'m g'na cum, hobes." he moves one of his arms, bringing his thumb down to rub at your clit, still mouthing at your neck. he lets it happen this time, doesn't urge you or change anything he's doing, and you coast into your climax so gratifyingly that you almost cry, squeezing him tight once again. now, your focus is on making him cum.

"wan' you to cum, hobes."

"gotta pull out, love. we ain' even put a rubber on." he realizes.

"no you don't. 'm clean. jus' fill me up, please." in your right mind, you wouldn't let him, but you're not in your right mind, and neither is he. so he cums with a groan, shaking as he spills pressed against your cervix.

the air's.. different now, satisfied and calm. you both lay there for a while, until hobie's picking you up and carrying you to the bathroom to clean you up.

after, he lights another joint that you two share tucked under his covers, hugged up like a couple.

not quite plug!hobie holds you as you both fall asleep.

[alexissara]

My Favorite Musical Artists of 2023

It is Spotify wrapped season and so instead of letting a company decide what I liked most or listened to most when it isn't totally accurate I shall instead tell you my favorite musical artists of the year and what musical art resonated most with my heart and why.

Normally I don't like to do this sort of list until it's actually the next year because in December maybe I'll get into Electronic Disco Funk and have 3 artists that should really be here but I figure now is a good time

Ado

Ado really was a machine of putting out great music both on contract for anime and songs that are just related to her own work. I found her listening to the One Piece Film Red soundtrack and loving those songs this year but her vocals on Show, All Night Radio, FREEDOM and more all are breath takingly great. She clearly knows great people to collaborate with to make amazing music and her vocals are utterly delightful with a brilliant vocal range.

Ado music is perfect for making playlists for my OCs, listening to while writing, working on chores, really just a perfect artist for every function I often look to music for.

Janelle Monae

Janelle Monae is a consistent favorite even in years where they have released no new songs they still stand among my favorite artists of the year with songs like Make Me Feel, Many Moons, Tightrope and Screwed always being on my rotation of songs. Now Lipstick Lover joins as another Monae staple that will constantly be on repeat for me. The Age Of Pleasure was a really great album and I think this era of Janelle's music was really good and I think Janelle was really bold going into being a free ass person and refusing to let themselves be defined by others on their own terms.

Reinaeiry

While I am not the biggest fan of the same kind of operatic dramatic songs that often drive many of Reinaeiry's songs, in any given year she still puts out more songs I love then songs that are not my thing. There is a touch of bitter sweetness because my ex loved her music too and so it often reminds me of her and our break up was a bit less than a year ago but having moved back around to being friends with her the music can sit comfortably in my ears as music that means a lot to me even if some songs now have bitter sweet memories tied to them it makes some songs work better too.

Yoasobi

Yoasobi has had a year getting to preform songs for some of the years biggest anime projects but this was the year I discovered her music and in it I found so many amazing songs. 海のまにまに is probably my favorite from the year but I also really enjoy Horizon, セブンティーン, Biri-Biri, and Hero a lot too. She has a lot of really banger music videos and they are just delights to watch. I find a lot of her songs are perfect chill songs to really set a nice calm wokring on something serious tone in the background, like just enough added energy to not be sleepy music.

Jamie Page

While I got into Jamie Page last year, Jamie Page's music this year has also been bangers and am still loving the songs i fell for last year. Love Renewed is a new Jamie Page classic and I am always listening to songs like Encore, Gummyworm, Bitter Sweet and People play Pretend. Jamie makes perfect poppy and fun music that can get into the sadder emotions while still being upbeat and really fun to listen to.

Joel Baylis and Shelby Harvey

The Cassette Beasts OST is probably my actual most listened to music of the year. The soundtrack is just so fucking good, like above and beyond, I really need to actually buy the album on bandcamp because I love it so much. Your Inception and Arrow of Time are probably my favorite songs from the album but Same Old Story, Wherever We Are, face down and the rest of the vocal tracks are all bangers. All these songs are gonna be forever staples for me making OC playlists and just jaming out when I am working on being creative. Their perfect songs for writing action scenes not so dominant that they take all my attention but enough to pump me up for some badass action.

Chrissy Chlapecka

Chrissy's transition from Tiktok bimbo positivity poster to pop icon this year was glamorous. She really brings something new to the early 2000s pop kinda vibe she is going for with a much more powerful and queer vibe with an aim at being a bit more intentionally political without it being so dominant in the music to pull away from them being like "dumb" pop. A lot of "influencers" attempt the transition into music but it is very clear that Chrissy is actually a musical talent who stumbled into being popular online for not doing music then used that to boost her passion.

Dorian Electra 

Weird core legend Dorian Electra is truly a musical artist who is always worth checking out even when a song is a total wiff it's usually at least fun to watch the music video. I am always relistening to my favs from Dorian but this year had a lot of great blasphemy core music like Sodom & Gomorrah but also brilliant songs like Puppet that really all captured my heart and are just great pop songs in addition to being a little funny or whatever else Dorian is going for.

Band-maid

J-rock legends Band-maid are always a favorite for me. BAND-MAID are so good at their respective gimmicks it almost makes me sad that they are tied to the gimmick of having to dress up as maids. I enjoy a good Maid outfit but I do think their music is just so seriously damn good and I do worry the gimmick is also a detraction from how truly badass their music is. They are just such amazing artists and they are just a delight to listen to especially if I am gaming and want to replace a sound track or something.

Tape Girl

Ska is my favorite kind of music, while I didn't include a ton on this list I had to include at least one Ska artist and Tape Girl was an artist I found this year who really blew me away. There were a ton of great artists I discovered this year but as of now I mostly just have one song from them I really love while Tape Girl basically has no misses. Tape Girl is really fun and the instrumentations are all so good, they are just ahhh such fantastic tracks and really songs well worth listening to.

[daddydemus]

Showing the Brothers a song you like for the first time [Headcanons] [Obey Me!]

This is my first time writing anything for a fandom but I really wanted to give it a try at least once!! >///<

*** For a funner experience, please play a song you actually like while reading through these! :) ***

Lucifer

Lucifer called you into his study when he saw you passing by, humming and swaying your body to the song playing from your D.D.D.

He needed a break from paperwork and you were always his favorite distraction

"What are you listening to?" He asks as he rubs at the side of his temple with two fingers

You replay the song from the beginning and can't help but start swaying to the beat almost immediately

You struggle to restrain yourself from singing along, you'd die if you let Lucifer hear you sing

but whenever that chorus hit you'd feel your whole body tense to stop itself from launching into a full blown one-person musical

"What are you doing?" Lucifer asks slightly concerned with the face you're making

"Trying not to sing" you whine

Lucifer smiles, amused by your antics

He isn't as focused on the song playing as he is on watching you squirm

Mammon

you had your music blasting in your room as you folded your laundry, your body swaying and your vocal cords flexing

Mammon busts in asking where that music is coming from- he could hear it from outside

you look back at him, your body still bopping to the song

you don't miss a beat while bobbing your head and singing the lyrics to a confused Mammon

eventually Mammon starts subconsciously bobbing his head to the beat as well

he quickly picks up the melody and can't help but begin to hum it a little

he's further encouraged to want to sing along too, especially after seeing your eyes light up at seeing him take an interest in the song too

after the song ends he asks if you could play it again

a few replays of the song later and you're both singing together, taking turns to solo sing the chorus while the other is the hype man

Levi

Somehow you ended up in Levi's room, he had coaxed you into watching a few Sucre Frenzy videos with him as part of his duty to educate you into being less of a Normie

You start to get into it, mostly because you love seeing Levi so happy when he's talking about something he's passionate about

He asks if there's any band/group you're into

You show him a song you're currently obsessed with on DevilTube and you're both listening to and watching the music video

You start telling him why you like the song and/or group/band so much and he's listening so intently to you

He's so proud to see the inner Otaku in you come out

You end up taking turns showing each other a different songs and watching music videos together

Satan

Would listen intently with his eyes closed

it feels like you're introducing your sweetheart to your parents for the first time and you Really hope they leave a good first impression

for the entire song he doesn't even nod his head, sway his body or tap his fingers in rhythm

sweat prickles your forehead as you sit in silence while he's listening to the song through your earphones

you start running calculations in your head about which song would've been better to show him first

he gives back your earphones after the song finishes and actually asks you to show him other songs from the same band/group

that night he sends you a message about a song he found that he likes from the band you showed him earlier

a week later you're both texting back and forth about why you stan a certain member of the group/band and what songs you hope they’ll play at their upcoming concert, of which Satan bought you and himself Meet and Greet tickets to

Asmo

you two were hanging out in Asmodeus' room, sprawled out on his bed, Asmo updating his Devilgram and you looking at videos on DevilTube

things were getting a little too quiet for you to bear so you searched up one of your favorite songs and started watching the music video that accompanied it

"I LOVE that song!" Asmo gasps and hops off the bed "Turn up the volume!"

You oblige and sit up, he's begun improvising a dance to the song

You're surprised at just how perfectly timed his moves are to the beat

and you love seeing how much fun he's having while feeling his way through the song

"If you just keep watching me then I'm gonna have to start charging" he chuckles

Beel

you head to the kitchen to grab a snack, your music blasting from your D.D.D.

Beel's already there and looks up from the fridge when you enter

"What's that sound?" He asks and you pull out your D.D.D. to show him a song... and then three more

"This would be good to listen to while I'm working out" he comments

You ask if he'd like it if you made a playlist for him to listen to while he works out

He sees the excitement clear on your face

“That’d be great”

You stay up all night crafting the perfect playlist for him

Belphie

it's late at night, you're in your room and still awake due to insomnia, currently you're sitting up in your bed scrolling through Devilgram, music is playing in the background

Belphie comes in and asks to sleep in your bed tonight, "just because"

he lays on his side facing you, he's curled up against your body, his free arm draped over your stomach and his other arm tucked beneath himself

you lower the volume of your music and decide to play a different song that you think he might like

"That sounds nice" he comments

you feel a small emotion flicker within you at the validation of your choice in music

he doesn't say anything else after that

it's late at night, you're in your room cuddled into Belphie while he’s quietly snoring into your ear, soft music continues to play on a timer from your D.D.D.

[zettasserda]

How the Mighty Fall (in love) - (1/2)

Poppy x MC

words: 1,662

rating: m (swearing)

a/n: alright so as i’ve said in the sneak peak, i’m not a writer and when i do write, it’s rarely so bear with me. i had this idea concept of a confrontation between poppy and mc that happens in the bathroom while mc is being already late to kingsley’s class and poppy wants to have some fun with her. 

i hope ya’ll enjoy

Sitting on the toilet and doing her thing, Bea looks around searching for any trace of vandalism. A graffiti here, a renaissance inspired dick drawing there and maybe even a letter plus another letter carved into the wooden bathroom stall - the ultimate modern symbol of love. All of the artistic things she had easily found in at her previous college and grown to love.

She zones back in as she hears someone enter the bathroom, stopping at the sink. Realizing she was done with her thing, she dresses back up and pushes the door open, exiting the stall.

And the person that stands in front of the mirror like on a fucking fashion show, is none other than the Bloody Mary herself. It makes Bea suppresses a shudder, as she approaches the sink.

"I wouldn't want to inhale radioactive particles emerging from your way, villager." Poppy states not even bothering to look at the other girl as she puts her fabulous cherry lip gloss on. Bea rolls her eyes at that, but moves to the next sink in the row. She does a small curtsy in Poppy's direction, which makes the blonde glance annoyingly at the girl's reflection in the mirror.

"Weren't those outlawed in the eighties for being totally lame? I mean, your whole look is so depressing. I may actually be dead right now." The Queen B points the tip of her lip gloss at the new girl's brown sneakers as she gestures at them.

Bea lets out a low hum of disappointment as she turns the faucet on and starts washing her hands, but doesn't ever bother to glance at the blonde.

Her lack of response brought a certain amount of impatience and displeasure on the shorter girl's face, as she taps her foot a few times disapprovingly against the bathroom floor. She checks herself out in the mirror as she starts speaking again.

"Everything about you screams pig mud. It's exhausting to look at you." Poppy pushes, continuing to delicately trace her lips using her favorite beauty weapon. Bea sighs as she finally gives in and pleases the girl with a remark and a question of her own.

"Do you ever get tired tearing other people down?" She prompts the blonde.

"No, not really." Poppy answers nonchalantly as she finally finishes putting her lip gloss on, not before letting out a small pop. There is a short-lived silence between them, until surprisingly Bea cuts the haunting but weirdly satisfying tension first.

"What, no oompa loompas in their Loubuttons following your spoiled ass around today?" Bea throws a curious glance over at the Queen B, wiping her hands with a paper towel nearby.

Poppy glares at the taller's girl reflection on the mirror, shoving the lip gloss in her handbag more hastily than intended. God, this woman infuriated her. Realizing that silence was her only answer, Bea continues pushing and the roles reverse, as they always do. She thrives on testing the other girl, knowing she is the only one who can put her back where she belongs. And it is beautiful and freeing - a great revelation in Bea's life.

"Are they finally aware of the fact that you sleep in a casket and live off the blood of villagers?

She smirks at the blonde after disposing the used paper towel in a trash can, never letting her gaze wander off of the other girl. Bea expects an answer - no, not an answer, more of a snarl, an animalistic growl. She certainly had a lot of training from all that yelling at the poor maids.

"Or maybe they're still chained up at the wall in your hidden dungeon." The new girl folds her arms over her chest as turns to fully face Poppy, lifting her left brow, "When do you take them out for a quick walk?"

This gets her attention, as Poppy turns almost too quickly around to finally lock eyes with Bea.

"Don't be jealous at the fact that I actually do have friends here. And your only known way of making them is snorkeling with Becky the cow in vicious, underhanded local gossip and rolling around in mud." She belts it out like a song and Bea lets herself chuckle at that, because how can she not at the bratty girl?

But the bratty girl doesn't plan on stopping there.

"Also that lame version of Janelle Monae girlfriend of yours is gonna drag your rep down like an anchor to the depths of Freaksville." Bea's sudden smug smile turned cold stare can cut Poppy's petite figure in half, as the blonde only snickers at that motion.

"I mean, how damaged does a girl have to be, to be into someone as annoying as you, Fetus Face." She snorts as she concludes her voiced thoughts.

This fucking girl, both of them think at the same time.

Bea continues staring at her as if she was analyzing a brilliant cut diamond, until she opens her mouth.

"Oh wow, pretty little liar isn't even aware of the fact that her minions don't see her as anything more than a self-proclaimed magnet for popularity and reputation based on levels of fear factor." Bea uncrosses her arms and starts waving her hands in the air as if she was demonstrating a rather unknown history fact to her class. Across from her, Poppy furrows her eyebrows down so hard luckily they don't combust on the girl's face right there.

"What the fuck are you babbling about, treasure trail? They're my friends, they listen to me, they care-" She tries to simultaneously stop Newbie from saying whatever next she had planned and anger-management her way through the girl's sarcastic tone and elaboration.

This time, Newbie doesn't plan on stopping herself.

"Do they really listen to you? Maybe your wallet more? Or maybe you offer some weird sexual fantasies equal to dark fetishes of a sloppy divorced businessman in exchange for a rank level up." She moves a step towards Poppy, who doesn't back down yet, even if she probably wants to vomit at the already close proximity between the two of them. Bea continues pushing, "Maybe the possibility of you throwing a hissy fit when it doesn't go your way which results in somehow expelling innocent students and your so called friends, lingers in their mind every time they look at you, Tinkerbitch."

Poppy seems distraugh as she looks at the brunette hesitantly.

Struck a nerve.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Lumps." She says finally through gritted teeth, after finishing stabbing Newbie with a stiletto in her mind.

Bea decides to do the ultimate move and get up all in the other girl's face as she moves yet another step forward. Now she is standing in front of her, the edges and tips of their clothes almost touching. Their faces inches away as they share the same breath, making Poppy's worst nightmare come true. And Bea's reveling in the feeling.

"Did I struck I nerve? Because make no mistake, Legally Blonde. Every time you open your bitchy mouth to shit on someone for no reason at all except your own dissatisfaction and low self-esteem, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually pathetic."

Bea doesn't smirk or smile this time after ending her sentence. She gazes down at the girl in front of her with a more sad kind of look. It's pity and Poppy can smell it, making her lower lip tremble in rage.

It takes all of mother nature's willpower and strength not the end the pig girl right in that moment, to take her by her disgusting lice infested curly brown hair and completely destroy her in the academy's meticulously clean bathroom. What a sad death that would be though. For the bathroom's tiles surface, not for the pigsty standing in front of her.

"First of all, your hideous sneakers are provoking me." She composes herself after snapping out of her thoughts, but doesn't back away, "Second, your mustache is thicker than Borat's", she throws a glance at the taller girl' lips and lingers a bit longer than intended before quickly looking up at Bea's eyes again, "so you might want to do something about that." She smiles proudly, thinking of how spot on that reference was on and Bea rolls her eyes at that.

"And third," the blonde continues, "you fucking rustic scarecrow, ship yourself back to Losertown or whatever sad country you came from. You don't know me and you don't know what you're talking about."

Bea doesn't say anything at that. Poppy celebrates her victory.

The taller girl stays mute as she just looks at her curiously for a bit, which unsettles Poppy as her stomach drops a little. Any kind. Then Bea does something that probably almost no one at Belvoire Academy dared to. She glances at the blonde strand of hair on Poppy's forehead that moved there while she was going all berserk with her speech. She casually grabs it between her fingers and softly tucks it behind the blonde's ear.

Poppy blushes uncontrollably at the action as they lock their gaze once again.

"Let me write you a reality check, Ritchy Bitch. Your two apostles? They don't give a fuck about you. Honestly, no one at this academy does." She ends it with a shrug and Poppy hisses, "You don't fucking know anything, you filthy skank." She almost spits at the brunette in front of her, boiling with frustration.

"Do you really think the foundation of a relationship is based on fear and disrespect? How fucking dense can you be?"

"I don't give a fuck about your free lessons on ho-" A hand covers her mouth suddenly which startles Poppy, but keeps her in her place as intended. Dark brown eyes appear even more closer than they were before, as Bea's face was inches apart from the blonde's own.

"I'm talking, shut up." Bea orders and Poppy complies.

—— —— —— —— ——

tagging people that wanted to be tagged and shamelessly tagging those who i think might enjoy this fic:

@uhh-the-green-thing @origmansello​ @ save-me-the-last-dance @ ognenniyvolk @ imdreamingof-you @ nias-missellarious @ uselesslesbianfr @ jkeiontheworks  @somewillwin @kamilahtrash @poppysminion @captain-hanadeleine @simpforpoppy @poppysmc

also happy queen b day!

[thegreatestofheck]

Outer Banks Playlist

Here is a cohesive list of songs I listen to usually when I write my fics/blurbs/etc! These are all the songs that aren’t a part of the official playlist that make me think of the show in general, the pogues, a certain character, or a certain fic. 

Enjoy!

Electric Love by BΦRNS - baby you’re like lightning in a bottle, i can’t let it go now that i’ve got it

I’m not sure what it is about this song, but it was the first one I put on this playlist. There’s just something about it that really screams “relationship with JJ Maybank” to me, but don’t ask me what.

If We Have Each Other by Alec Benjamin - i’ll be your brother and i’ll hold your hand, you should know i’ll be there for you

I get major pogue vibes from this song. It doesn’t matter that they’re not family by blood, they will always stick by each other no matter what. They’re there for each other through the thick and the thin. 

We Are Young by fun. and Janelle Monae - tonight, we are young, so let’s set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun

Another very pogue style song. They are young and they are free and they’re living it up. The Pogues and this song are very “you’re here for a good time, not a long time”. 

Royals by Lorde - and we’ll never be royals, it don’t run in our blood, that kind of lux just ain’t for us, we crave a different kind of buzz

Probably guessing a theme here now, but this is the pogues through and through. I mean, the entire time they’re looking for the gold, most of their thinking is about “going full kook”, living that fantasy.

Let it Ride by AUTOMATIC LOVELETTER - take me away, let’s get out of this town, run baby run, we’re unstoppable now

This song has always hit home with me, especially when it comes to kids and a found family situation, which is the Pogues. Just listen to it and I think you’ll understand. It’s so amazing. 

Already Gone by Sleeping at Last - you couldn’t have loved me better, i want you to move on, cause i’m already gone

If I tell you why exactly I put this one on here, it would be a spoiler for one of my longer fics, so I’ll just leave it to your imagination. Sleeping at Last > Kelly Clarkson, at least with this song. 

Hello by Walk of the Earth - there’s such a difference between us and a million miles

This version is a lot more bitter than Adele’s version, so I think it really fits here with all the kids who were disappointed by their parents. JJ with Luke, John B with his mom and Dad, Sarah and Rafe with their mom, Ward, and Rose. Also just with like 90% of the adults in the entire series just constantly failing these kids, I feel like this version kinda flowed with that. Also kinda makes me think about Elma from “Ocean and Alcohol” and her relationship with her mom. 

On Top of the World by Imagine Dragons - paying my dues to the dirt, i’ve been waiting to smile, been holding it in for a while. 

Another Pogue song. They deserve so much better than what they got and this is for all those little victories; finding the gold, surviving the boat crash, getting the keys to the Phantom, etc. 

IDGAF by Dua Lipa - go find a girl who wants to listen, cause if you think i was born yesterday you have got me wrong

This one is mostly for Sarah and Kie, who are constantly being put down by others. Not so much the Pogues, but in that Midsummer’s episode where Kie’s mom tells her not to worry about the socioeconomics of the world when her complaints were legit. Or how Rafe, Ward, and Topper were constantly berating Sarah for her feelings. This is for them.  

Kiss Me Deadly by Lita Ford - late to my job and the traffic was bad, had to borrow ten bucks from my old man, it ain’t no big thing

You can’t convince me that the Pogues don’t blast this song in the van while their cruising down the streets. I love this song. 

Renegade by Styx - oh mama i’m in fear for my life from the long arm of the law, hang man is coming down from the gallows and i don’t have very long

The entire last two episodes, this was the only song I could think of. John B just exudes the energy of this song. 

Warriors by Imagine Dragons - as a child you would wait and watch from far away, but you always knew that you’d be the one to work while they all played

This one is for everyone on the cut; the Pogues, Heyward, Big John, Ms. Lana. They were the ones who kept Kildare running. The fishermen, the mechanic, the laypeople. They built that island from their blood, their sweat, and their tears. 

Run Boy Run by Woodkid - run boy run, they’re trying to catch you, run boy run, running is a victory

Here’s another one for John B is those last two episodes. Was I stressed out a singing songs to myself when i watched them the first time. Maybe so. 

Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtney - i am flesh and i am bone, i’ll rise, ting ting, like glitter and gold, i’ve got fire in my soul

Again, I’m not 100% sure why, but this gives me the vibes of outer banks. Maybe I just really like this song and associate it with everything. Maybe it’s because it has gold in the title. Who knows. 

Why Did it Have to Be Me? by ABBA - you were looking for someone to hold, that’s only natural, by why did it have to be me?

If you thought you were making it out of here without a single ABBA song you were dead wrong. ABBA is one of my favorite bands and they just fit with everything. There aren’t specific characters for this song, but I think it still works for the show. 

Lay All Your Love on Me by ABBA - i still don’t know what you’re done to me, a grown up woman should never fall in love so easily 

Sarah and John B, Kie and Pope, Kie and JJ, the viewers and Rafe, i don’t care, take your pick. This song works for everyone all the time because, again, it’s ABBA. Love them. Love this song. 

I’m Still Standing by Elton John - looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid, i’m still standing after all this time

This one just gives me so many feelings when I think about it with literally any of the kids. They’re put through so much crap, all of them, and yet there they are, standing and standing together. I mean, come on. Especially with John B’s speech to Ward in the finally episode. It’s just *chef’s kiss* Also Elton John is a legend. 

Stand By You by Rachel Platten - hands, put your empty hands in mine, scars, show me all the scars you hide and hey, if your wings are broken, please take mine so yours can open too

Again, this one applies to so many places, but specifically the hot tub scene in episode 7. Even thought the Pogues have some issues sometimes, they are almost always 100% there for each other and that’s what this song is about. 

Run the World (Girls) by Beyonce - smart enough to make these millions, strong enough to bare the children, then get back to business. 

I honestly cannot think of a woman in Outer Banks who was not iconic. Kie: a social justice queen who cared so deeply for her friends, the environment, and others. Sarah: a girl who understood her privilege and tried to use it to help others. Peterkin: a boss bitch who figured everything out before anyone else. Wheezie: an iconic little sister who was in a toxic household but was still the most chaotic queen ever. Kie’s Mom: misguided sometimes, but she just wanted what was best for her baby girl. Pope’s Mom: IRONED HER SON’S CLOTHES EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN’T KNOW IF HE WAS COMING HOME, also wanted what was best for Pope (and also JJ). Ms. Lana: lost her husband, had her home broken into and still confessed about Scooter and Ward when it was most important. Rose: was she evil, heck yeah. Was she the smartest character on the show? Probably. That girl knew just when to use the right words and who to manipulate when. Congrats queen, you’re crazy but you have the most brain cells. Mrs. Craine: Killed her husband and got away with it! I’d like to see Ward try that. Anyway, point is, this show is full of boss women and I love them all. 

Uprising by Muse - they will not force us, they will stop degrading us, they will not control us, we will be victorious 

So, maybe season one didn’t end in the best way for the Pogues. Still, they were thisclose to beating the system that screwed them all constantly. And I have faith that things will go even better for them later. I just...this song makes me feel like toppling a government or a psychopath rich man so I added it. 

There are more, but these are the ones that hit me the most! If you want to see more, just let me know. And, as always 

stay safe

stay healthy

stay groovy

[missroserose]

Soft Asks: 1 & 6 & 8 & 12 (I'm greedy for softness today.)

  YES PLEASE BE GREEDY.  I wasn’t kidding, this is a rough week all around, so let’s get soft. <3

1.) what song makes you feel better?

Honestly, it depends.  For instance, when I’m feeling bad in the sense that I’m facing down a huge and intimidating task, I usually go for something upbeat and major key—like Walk the Moon’s Shut Up and Dance, or Janelle Monae’s The Way You Make Me Feel, or Amtrac’s Never Lost.  If I’m having one of those days where I have things to do but it’s feeling like I’m having to push through syrup to get anywhere, I tend toward something similarly driving but more minor/suspended chords—Meg Myers’ cover of Running Up That Hill has been on my playlist a lot lately, as has In This Moment’s Roots and K. Flay’s Blood In The Cut.  And if I’m just in that place where everything is A Lot and there’s not much I can do about it, I’ll usually go for slower synth-y stuff—Björk’s Possibly Maybe is a perennial favorite, though I’ve lately been listening to Slowdive’s Sugar for the Pill and The Stone Roses’ I Wanna Be Adored.  And, of course, just about anything by Cigarettes After Sex.

(I, uh, hope you know me well enough by now to know that if you ask me to name a song you’re going to get at least nine options, with links XD)

6.) say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical).

Ooo!  I think self-appreciation is highly underrated so I’m glad to get this question.  Let’s see...Physical:

1.)  I love the various customizations I’ve made to my body—short colorful hair, large arty tattoos, multiple piercings.  Almost all of them have made me feel more me in a way that’s evanescent but insistent.

2.)  I’m not gonna beat around the bush—I freaking love my arms.  Ever since I started lifting a couple of years ago I’ve been completely surprised (and pleased!) at how much I’ve enjoyed watching my biceps slowly grow.  Being able to hoist heavy things is awesome too, but...I admit it, I totally flex in the mirror sometimes.  (I’ve caught myself doing it on Zoom calls too, haha.)  I have a rose tattoo on one arm and I adore how it accents the shape of the muscles.

3.)  I like my general body shape.  Large hip structure runs in my family (my mother calls them the Rose hips), and while that means I would likely never have made it as a ballerina or gymnast past puberty, I’m not at all sad I ended up with an hourglass shape.  (Though it does make finding jeans that fit in both the hips and waist a bit of a trick...I’ve had good experiences with Fran Denim, which definitely was not inspired at all by their marketing prominently featuring generously proportioned women with tattoos riding motorcycles...ahem.)

As for the non-physical...

1.) I feel like I have a pretty good left-brain/right-brain balance (though, point of note, the popular conception of “left brain = logic and right brain = creativity” is actually pretty bullshit).  I love that I can think creatively and also analytically—there are times when both are needed.  I think it’s part of why I’ve made such a good massage therapist—I enjoy the squishier social-interaction heal-the-world side of the business, but I’m also good at the hard-nosed business and boundary-setting and hustling-for-clients part that a lot of people in the industry have trouble with.

2.)  I really love my writing.  I’m not trying to brag, just...you know those memes about “I am looking for very specific fic content, and if I cannot find it, I will create it?”  Yeah, that’s me.  I don’t often read back over my stories but when I do (even when it’s something I’m not proud of and I expect to cringe) I often end up surprised at how much I enjoy it.

3.)  I love my ability to perform.  I was talking with @harringroveheart about how I read some of my smut aloud (by request, with warnings) at a salon last night, and they were all “are you genetically incapable of being embarrassed??” and I had to think back to all the times that I read aloud to my mother who’d correct my pronunciation on every third word, or sang karaoke at a bar only to be met with complete indifference, or taught yoga to three people who refused to make eye contact and immediately bounced the moment class was over...so no, I’m very capable of being embarrassed, and in fact it’s been a struggle to get to where I am now.  But man, learning to give fewer fucks has been incredibly freeing—and when you keep trying, every once in a while you hit that home run of a performance that connects with the entire audience and stays with you long after the embarrassing memories fade.

8.) tag someone (or multiple people) who make you feel good.

So many someones!  @blahblahblahcollapse is a great beta reader and writing cheerleader.  @introvertia often surprises me with her insight and delights me with her kindness.  @trashcangimmick is the kind of chill and comforting dude everyone should have in their lives, and often gives excellent writing advice to boot (even when he’s laughing at my perfectionism).  @skybound2 gives great music recommendations and nerds out with me over immortal relationships.  @twobrokenwyngs listens patiently when I need to vent, and patiently listens to my advice when she needs to vent.  @neonelectriclady sends me pictures of delicious-looking bread and awesome Star Trek memes and talks to me about cloud butts.  @thisisnotmolchanka is the best metamour, creative and clever and ambitious and genuinely kind in a way you rarely see all together at once in one person.  There are tons more I could name, but this post is already getting long...

12.) how are you?

I think I’m just gonna link xkcd for this one.

In truth, I’m...more or less okay.  Being unemployed is turning out to be something of a mixed bag this week—like, on the one hand, I can sleep in until 10 and be a lump on the couch in my PJs all day, but on the other hand...I can sleep in until 10 and be a lump on the couch in my PJs all day.  Luckily I’m hosting writing group this afternoon, so that’ll be a good distraction, as well as at least requiring me to get dressed.  (Not that anyone would really bat an eye if I booted up Zoom and was still in my bathrobe, but, y’know.)

let’s get soft together!

[neuronary]

what do you think the atla characters’ theme songs would be??

oooh okay. so, i actually... kind of have thought of this already? not really but a bit. cause sometimes i get inspired by certain songs to write fic and while that’s not true of anything i have posted at the moment, stuff’s coming.

(disclaimer: i am hard of hearing so i don’t really listen to much music and most of these will be off the same album/from the same artists)

let’s start with dynamics/groups:

azula, mai, and ty lee: ‘lotta true crime’ by penelope scott

the general vibes of azula mai and ty lee, or ‘ozai’s angels’, is ‘can must should and will kill all men’ so. yknow.

“y’know, Dennis Rayder and David Parker Ray actually sit together in Hell, shaking, quaking, terrified, that one day, somehow, someway, They might meet me.”

is The Most Azula Thing I Have Ever Heard

this could also work as a Kyoshi Warriors song, but it has quite morally ambiguous vibes, so i wouldn’t quite call it that

as an aside: would anyone be interested in a fic where azula/mai/ty lee run a true crime podcast and for every episode they release the serial killer/rapist/whatever is murdered by them 24 hours later

the whole gaang: fireflies by owl city

maybe this will make no sense but. one of those nights where everyone’s a bit shaken and no one can sleep and aang just starts babbling about how beautiful the world around them really is

and at first everyone’s just sort of humouring him but then they start really thinking

and toph starts talking about everything she can feel in the earth beneath them, all the worms and tree roots and layers of rocks from a million years ago and how constant and surviving it is

and katara chimes in with the sounds of the river about ten feet away and how comforting it is that there’s always water no matter what

and sokka doesn’t say anything because he’s content just to listen and watch the moon

and they don’t get much sleep either way but they all feel safe with each other for this short little pocket of time. everything is okay in that moment.

zukka: hozier’s cover of we are young by janelle monae

okay so this actually is about the specific way @sword-and-stars​ writes zukka

especially her most recent fic mass times acceleration

i honestly don’t have much to say about this one just. just listen.

you will understand

toph and azula inventing pro-bending together in a very specific fic i’ve been writing for like six months now: elevate by dj khalil (feat. denzel curry, ybn cordae, swavay, trevor rich) from spider-man: into the spider-verse

look this is just The Vibe

this is their theme music for when they beat people up together i don’t make the rules

also there’s a lyric about a ‘stupid prince’ and um. they’re both pretty pissed with zuko at this point so like it fits

also also most of the lyrics are about improving and being the best

plus the sheer chaotic energy

sokka’s relationship with aang and katara in book one: things that make it warm by cavetown

okay i have So Many Fucking Feelings about how sokka is the one to take care of katara and aang the whole way through the show and how he has to manage all the Responsible Adult stuff even though he’s fifteen!! he’s the same age as my baby brother!!

also ‘my feathers seem to have taken the brunt of the storm’ just gives me the vibes of like

i bet after kya died, sokka was the one who pulled the family together. and a lot of people think it would have been katara who did this but she’s still really in her feelings about it at the time of the show and she’s still grieving loudly and angrily the whole way through

i think sokka would have been the one to get up and be like ‘i can’t grieve by laying around crying all day, i need to do something’ and that becomes ‘i can be okay for katara because mom would have wanted me to take care of her’ and later it’s ‘i’ll just take care of everyone and everything because doing something helps me process what’s going on’

and the line ‘can i rest with you awhile’ just makes me picture sokka finally getting done with making sure everyone’s accounted for after a big fight and katara has to literally force him to sit down and rest and everyone else sits around the campfire and tells stories and he gets to take a fucking nap

taking care of things by cavetown also works here

sokka and yue post siege: send me the moon by sara bareilles

honestly i wasn’t even gonna include this but i was looking at some other sara bareilles songs and this one punched me dead in the sternum

‘i could live with your ghost if you say that’s the most that i’ll get’ is such a raw fucking line and god it makes me feel things

but also i have this little headcanon that every time they’ve Been Through It and sokka’s made sure no one needs him imminently he’ll go find somewhere high up and talk, head tilted up, as softly as he can, to the moon

and sometimes that means waiting for the sunset so he can climb up to the top of a watchtower and feel a little bit closer to yue

also just the whole ‘breathe in breathe out’ and tides metaphors?? v i b e s

kataang: gentleman by will jay

look. it’s cute. it’s cheesy. it’s them. also dancing????

this is aang’s proposal song tell me i’m wrong

sokka’s relationship with hakoda: above the clouds of pompeii by bear’s den

i’ve said it before i will say it again

sokka was the one who pulled their family back together after kya died

‘i was too young to understand’ except it’s not ‘i didn’t understand’ it’s ‘i shouldn’t have had to understand’

‘don’t cry / hold your head up high / she would want you to’ please excuse me while i scream

‘how she haunted our home’

‘you were a god in my eyes’

u g h

toph and sokka’s friendship: cavetown’s cover of you got a friend in me

i’m not even explaining this one it’s just the truth

okay individual character themes now:

aang: ruins by first aid kit

again. tell me i’m wrong.

okay but for real, there are a couple i could do for aang that are less up in your soul but these lyrics fit him really well

i don’t have a lot to say about this tbh it just fits

katara: familia by nicki minaj (with anuel aa, feat. bantu)

play this shit after she walks away from jet when she freezes him to a tree

i will go feral

sokka: boys will be bugs by cavetown

he just gives me cavetown vibes ok

no but seriously sokka is going through so much (they all are) but he suffers in silence almost completely??

and he takes care of everyone around him and never lashes out at anyone??? we stan a repressed king tbh

toph: start a riot by duckwrth and shaboozey from spider-man: into the spiderverse

v i b e s

most of the lyrics are just the speaker roasting the shit out of whoever they’re fighting

‘i know all the grannies wanna sip their tea’

interpretation one: toph has a very dedicated fan club of elderly ladies who thing she’s ‘just the sweetest thing’. she loves them dearly.

interpretation two: she’s referring to the other contestants who aren’t fighting.

zuko: let go by beau young prince

i know a lot of these are from this album but there was like a solid year where it was the only thing i listened to so.

‘my uncle always told me that it never would be easy / now i’m looking to the sky hoping that he rests in peace’

quenblackwellexplainingsomething.jpeg

suki: juice by lizzo

self confidence queen

what more can i really say

azula: scared of the dark by Lil Wayne and Ty Dolla $ign (feat. xxxtentacion)

okay i can and will fight people on this

there are actually so many good azula songs i could have put here because i am always .7 seconds and a mental breakdown away from making an azula themed playlist on spotify but

‘why would a starless sky ever be afraid of the dark?’

‘i’m not scared’

‘you know i see dead people, i just tell ‘em get a life’

LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL ME SHE WOULDN’T

this is just final episodes vibes generally but like.

b r u h

mai: introspection by UMI

again. v i b e s

umi is generally such a rec from me

but ‘it’s only my mind it’s only emotion’? mai lyric

ty lee: bubblegum b!tch by marina diamonds

most of marina’s discography fits her also but this one especially is just her whole vibe

electra heart generally because like. there’s such an awareness to every action she takes and everything about the way she presents herself

like she thinks so carefully about how other people underestimate her and just. it’s her vibe.

okay so that’s all. thanks for reading my rambling. i am always open to answer questions like these! my brain has so much things in it!!

[lunapaper]

Album Review: ‘Who Am I?’ - Pale Waves

Just who are Pale Waves?

When the British band broke through with ‘Television Romance’/’There’s A Honey’ back in 2017, they were plucky goth kids who produced not-so goth 80s pop gems akin to their Dirty Hit labelmates, The 1975.  

Matty Healy would soon take the band under his wing and further mould them in his image. You’d be forgiven for thinking Pale Waves’ 2018 debut, My Mind Makes Noises, was a scrapped 1975 record, filled with pale imitations of Healy & co.’s youthful ennui and gauzy atmospherics, along with the pseudo-intellectual musings to match.  

On their second album, however, they trade in navelgazing 80s pop for 90s rock queens like Courtney Love, Alanis Morrissette and Liz Phair and the bold, brash, pop punk of Avril Lavigne.  

But the Canadian singer isn’t just an influence, according to frontwoman Heather Baron-Gracie, she’s the record’s main influence.

‘Change’ harks back to the singalong hooks and explosive riffs of her 2001 debut, Let Go. The dreamy, floating ‘Odd One Out’ is this album’s ‘I’m With You.’ Recent single ‘She’s My Religion’ uses ‘My Happy Ending’ (from 2004’s Under My Skin) as a blueprint, as does ‘Easy,’ combining thoughtful acoustics with the shimmering 1975-style synths of old. The title track – a soaring, piano-lit power ballad – meanwhile, feels like a deep cut from Lavigne’s most recent record, Head Above Water.

But like My Mind Makes Noises, Who Am I?  is plagued by corny platitudes and cliched angst, with the kind of Very Special Episode-tier themes that haven’t been edgy or controversial since Drake left Degrassi (Look, I don’t doubt Baron-Gracie's social conscience and I’m glad she’s unapologetic about her queerness, but none of it is particularly profound, either...)

‘Tomorrow’ lists off well-worn sentiments like ‘Don’t listen to society,’ ‘You're one of a kind’ and ‘sexuality is not a choice.’ ‘Odd One Out’ is the obligatory misfit anthem (‘Too much love fades away/This world is built for it all to decay/We're only human, both of us/And we'll keep making countless mistakes’). ‘You Don’t Own Me’ comes almost 58 years after the first one, offering up the kind of feminist wisdom that’s been heavily commodified a million times over at this point – body autonomy, sex, dating, being ‘ladylike’ - like the audio equivalent of one of those ‘This Is What A Feminist Looks Like’ t-shirts made by Bangladeshi women in a dilapidated factory for two cents an hour.  

‘She’s My Religion,’ meanwhile, is nowhere near unique these days for its use of female pronouns. Rebecca Black just released a track called ‘Girlfriend.’ On Miley’s 80s pop-indebted ‘Midnight Sky,’ she references her relationship with Kaitlynn Carter in the wake of her split from Liam Hemsworth. Arlo Parks has several same-sex love ballads on her debut album, Collapsed in Sunbeams. Then there are songs from Christine and the Queens, Syd, Janelle Monae, Shura, Tegan and Sara, Rina Sawayama, girl in red and so on...

The band also better pray Billy Corgan never hears the intro to ‘I Just Needed You’ because it’s a little too similar to ‘1979’ (At least it’s not 1975 for once, am I right, guys? (◕‿-)) Placing a pining love song immediately after ‘You Don’t Own Me’ is also kind of ironic...

Who Am I? is not a Pale Waves record. It’s Pale Waves trying to imitate 90s indie rock and Avril Lavigne, ticking things off as they go: The Avril/Alanis-style yodelling and vocal cracks? Check. Inoffensive pop-rock riffs? Check. The faux-rebellious streak and ‘can’t-tell-me-what-to-do sass? Check.  

The fractured creative relationship between Baron-Gracie and drummer Ciara Doran also seems to have had an effect on Who Am I?, with Baron-Gracie writing the album alone in New York while the rest of the band remained in Britain. The frontwoman even admits she only ever came home to film the record’s music videos. It might as well be the side project of Baron-Gracie and her girlfriend Kelsi Luck, who, in Baron-Gracie's words, ‘watered me, and I became this flower!’

Which is quite a shame, really. Because Who Am I? Is so preoccupied with Baron-Gracie's journey of self-discovery, we don’t get a glimpse into Doran’s own, who, after struggling with gender dysphoria, now goes by they/them pronouns. Just like The 1975 being nothing more than The Matty Healy Show, the band is at risk of becoming Baron-Gracie's glorified backing band.

So, just who are Pale Waves exactly? I don’t know. Whoever they decide to imitate on their next record, I guess... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

- Bianca B.

[runicmagitek]

For the most recent meme, 14 and 94, please?

But of course! Thanks for sending these my way 🥰

14. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Why? Hmmm... This is a bit of a predicament, because I love being in New England and experiencing all four seasons. But I also hate anything under 65 degrees 😕 I'm perfectly fine staying in this general area, though somewhere deeper in the woods and away from people and stuff (though still in reasonable driving distance of things like grocery stores). And when autumn was done, I'd love to transport myself somewhere warmer. Like San Diego or something. Just hunker down and soak up the sun.

94. Favorite lyrics right now? Oooooh I love this one. Marilyn Manson released a new album, so I've been listening to a lot of that. There's a particular lyric in Solve Coagula that I enjoy: I'm not special, I'm just broken and I don't wanna be fixed. Aside from that, I've got my Gay Anthem playlist going for inspiration while writing for Aerti Week this week. I've had Janelle Monae's Make Me Feel and Lady Gaga's Stupid Love stuck in my head on and off. And yes, my taste in music is eclectic af

[soft-sapphic-love]

—sapphic self care—

TL;DR: Affirm your sapphicness while taking care of your mind, body, and spirit. This may not work for everyone; these are just some things that I personally do to get rid of internalized homophobia.

Walk, bike, or drive to the library and check out some sapphic books. @coolcurrybooks​ has some great recommendations, check her out!

Proclaim your identity. To yourself, to your stuffed animals, to your cat, to your friends (this isn’t saying “come out,” as that takes time and preparation and readiness, but if you’ve already come out to someone and they’re comfortable and cool with it, why not proclaim it again and get some validation?)

Journal. Write about your identity and attraction. If you’re questioning, this can be a great way to figure out the nuances of different labels and what they mean to you.

Write a letter to your past or future self about your identity.

Take a nice, hot (or cold if that’s your thing) shower or bath with a homemade sugar scrub.

Grab some markers, paints, crayons, pencils, or whatever art supplies you like best and doodle some happy sapphics.

Craft a poem or story with queer sapphic themes.

Browse Tumblr tags like #wlw positivity, #sapphic positivity, or tags specific to your identity (be aware that, for certain identities, -phobes may post negative things or discourse in those tags. Protect your mental health the best you can.)

Follow some oft-updated positivity blogs that are sapphic/wlw focused and/or specific to your identity.

Make a cup of tea. Drink it slowly while reading one of the books from above.

Call, text, write letters to, or visit a sapphic friend.

Put on your favorite (and gayest) outfit. For me, that’s comfy pants, a t-shirt under a cozy sweater, and my jean jacket complete with tons of feminist/queer pins.

Compliment a pretty girl.

Clean your room. When you’re done, congratulate yourself and tack up some queer posters or art. You can find amazing art easily via a quick google search (make sure to check if the artist is okay with printing it out though!), and this site will make your art poster sized and print ready.

Find, make, and/or listen to a playlist of wlw songs. Some artists I like are King Princess, Emma Jayne, Janelle Monae, and Mary Lambert. 

Again, these may not work for everyone, so feel free to adapt them as you see fit. 

These apply, of course, to trans sapphics, aro and ace sapphics, nonbinary sapphics, and all sapphics, always. I love all of you and support you one thousand percent.  

[reyesstrand]

Tag Game!!

@ao3theskyisblue thank you for the tag, this gave me a much-needed break from online schoolwork!! 💗

1. What was the last movie you watched in theatres? Birds of Prey!! Before that I caught Parasite when it was re-released in theatres before the Oscars! 

2. What’s your favourite game to play? I’m very boring and don’t play much besides classic board games, so I have to say Scrabble aksjdsdfks

3. Chocolate or vanilla? Oooh tough one, but probably chocolate. 

4. What’s the last show you binge-watched? I feel like I’ve always got a show on the go, but the last one I fully binged was Tiger King with my family, and The Other Two right before that. 

5. Do you have any pets? I do! A gentle giant, three-year-old rescue dog! She’s a Great-Pyrenees/Retriever mix, and is appropriately named Elsa. 

6. What’s your favourite fairy tale? Hmmm, I remember reading The Little Red Riding Hood a lot as a kid, so let’s go with that! 

7. Who’s your favourite superhero? This is a difficult one, but I’d probably have to say Thor, honourable mentions to She-Hulk, Falcon and the whole Young Avengers team from my teenage comic-reading phase. 

8. Who’s your favourite Disney princess? I adored Jasmine as a kid, so either her, Mulan or maybe Rapunzel. 

9. Where’s the first place you’re going to go after the social distancing is over? Hopefully to see a movie (whenever most of them are re-scheduled to be released lol) or back to my job when they re-open.

10. Cookies or cake? Ooh, I’ve gotta go with cake, I think. Especially on special occasions. 

+10 questions 

1. Which show could you watch over and over? Let’s see...definitely Schitt’s Creek, especially when it ends in a couple weeks (cut to me crying) and I can re-watch the whole series; 9-1-1 Lone Star (because of course), The Get Down, Fleabag, Veep, Black Sails, and Bob’s Burgers. 

2. Favourite song lyric? It’s impossible for me to just pick one, so here’s some favourites from a few songs: 

“I buried a hatchet, it’s coming up lavender, / The future’s unwritten, the past is a corridor, / I’m at the exit, looking back through the hall, / You are anonymous, I am a concrete wall” — Phoebe Bridgers, “Smoke Signals” 

“Hold my hand and float back to the summer time, / Tangled in the willows, now our tongues are tied, / How can I believe you, how can I be nice? Tripping round tree stumps in your summer smile” — Glass Animals, “Gooey”

“So if I feel real good tonight, / I'm gonna put it high on the loudspeaker, / If I feel like crying, I won't hide it / I am a loudspeaker” — MUNA, “Loudspeaker” 

“Be as you've always been (Lover, be good to me), / Be like the love that discovered the sin (Lover, be good to me), / That freed the first man and will do so again, / And, lover, be good to me (Lover, be good to me), / Be that hopeful feeling when Eden was lost (Lover, be good to me)” — Hozier, “Be”

3. Favourite season of your favourite TV show? This one’s difficult too! Ah! I really love seasons 3 and 4 of Schitt’s Creek, and I of course love the only (for now) season of Lone Star, so I’ll go with those choices as I can’t think of anything else right now!! 

4. What never fails to make you smile/happy? Watching the sunset while reading a good book. My dog. Cooking. And I have to agree with @ao3theskyisblue — getting any AO3 notification makes my day brighter every time, without fail, and I want to thank anyone who’s ever even interacted with my fics because it brings me so much joy!! 

5. How are you doing with all that’s going on in the world (virus, having to do social distancing, etc)? I’m very much so introverted, so staying in is something that I normally find myself doing. I feel very grateful of my privilege in being able to stay home with my family and knowing everyone in my personal circle is healthy, though I do feel spikes in my anxiety whenever more news comes out. I’m stressed right now with how many school assignments I have, on top of participating in online lectures/seminars, but there’s only a couple weeks left of that so I’m pushing through!!

6. We all love new music to listen to, name an artist that is underrated/you think people should check out? boygenius!! FKA twigs!!! Christine and the Queens!! Perfume Genius!!

7. TV show or movie? Yet another tough one!! I have to say both, here, I love them for different reasons! 

8. Favourite holiday? I generally enjoy Halloween for the movies and weather, and I’d have to also say Christmas even though I’m not religious, I just love getting to have time to see my whole family and relax from school! 

9. A song that describes you? This is very difficult and something I haven’t thought of before...going through my music library now, though, I’ve always felt a pull toward Landslide by Fleetwood Mac for the sentimental value since I was younger so I suppose I’d go with that. But I’m definitely going to keep thinking of another answer!! 

10. Describe your tumblr in three words? Side-blog, writing, and (hopefully) welcoming! 

+5 questions

1. What is your favourite hobby? Writing, reading, cooking, discovering new movies/tv shows. 

2. What is your favourite book? Or/and a really good book you’ve read recently? Okay, so, I’m an English major and read lots of old books for my classes and I recently haven’t had much time for reading for pleasure (sadly), but I’d recommend The Goldfinch by Donna Tart, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong, and The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller! 

3. What is your favourite ship that will never happen (or hasn’t happened yet)? Oh boy, I guess FinnPoe from the recent Star Wars movies? 

4. If you could spend the day with any living celebrity, who would it be? I feel like I have so many possible answers! Dan Levy would be amazing, so would Natacha Karam, Florence Pugh, Taika Waititi, Tessa Thompson, Janelle Monae...I could go on lol!! 

5. The best worst movie you’ve ever seen. A movie that you know objectively is trash but you can’t help but really enjoy it. The first thing I thought of were the live-action Scooby Doo movies from the early-2000s that my sister and I recently re-watched on a whim and I think that has to be my answer askjsdfks

Questions by @ao3theskyisblue

1. What is one thing you’ve recently watched/read that left you absolutely heartbroken? Oh, definitely the documentary I watched on migrant workers in Canada for a class the other day.

2. An activity (e.g., hobby, sport...etc) you wish you were better at? I would love to be able to draw/paint better!!

3. If you could stop time for 24 hours, what would you do? It’s very boring to say, but catch up on sleep!!

Questions by @reyesstrand

1. What is your all-time favourite movie?

2. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

3. If you could alter any questionable plot point from a tv show or movie, what would it be?

Feel free to try this out, if you’d like, or haven’t already! @tkstreyes @cateyesinlove @summerfiing @tylerkennedysstrand @aziraphalescrowley @hcnkycat @anadearmsa @lonestarbabe @evaneddie @hawkeeyes @oscarissaac @brillliantbanshee @derek-shepherds & anyone else who wants to!

[agustdomain]

Now You’re One Of Us

Synopsis: When tensions are high and problems unsolved, friendships are on the line. When those issues are brought to the surface, are connections severed beyond repair? Or is it possible to find it in yourself to stay behind, fix what’s been broken, and find the light on the other side? Now you’re one of us, a blessing and a burden.  

Word Count: 16.9 k words

Genre: Angst, sliceoflifeau!, broken friendships, hidden relationship

Warnings: Language, Fighting (verbal, not physical)

Member(s): Hoseok, ft. maknae line, Ryujin & Chaeyeon. Mentions of other characters.

Author’s Note: This work. It’s not really like my other works. There’s not really a romantic subplot, not really. Yes there is love and there are the exploration of relationships, but it’s not the main focus of the story. However, if you like to read about friendships, about the dynamics of friends and couples. If you like to grow attached to characters, well, I think this might be for you. If you’re looking for something sappy or fluffy, this is definitely not it. I would like to thank you all for your patience. I know that some of you prefer more NCT works or Stray Kids- don’t worry, those are coming- but for now, this means a lot to me and wanted to share. Let me know what you think. Tell me who you love and hate. Go on this journey with me? -Angelo

Inspirations: There were many songs that inspired me while writing. If I had to pick two, it’s We Are Young, Fun. ft. Janelle Monae and Dreams Tonite, Alvvays.

The first sound she registered were the leaves rustling overhead and across the gravel beneath her feet. Blinking, she looked up at the ink black sky, no star in sight. The trees above were spindly and tall, a dark curtain casted over them. Even the street lamps nearby could do little but offer slight spotlights through the sheath overhead. It unsettled her. 

“Y/N.” 

Turning at the sound of her name, the feeling of unease disappeared almost instantaneously at the person in front of her. It was odd, how someone could become that for a person. Seamlessly overnight, they could morph into a security, a comfort, a peace of mind. Y/N used to find the thought terrifying. After Hoseok became that person for her, it wasn’t terrifying at all.

Hoseok had walked around the car and found his place beside her. The shadows from overhead masked his face and she found it hard to see his features. She didn’t need to see him, though, the picture stamped into her mind from endless nights prior to this one. His eyes must’ve been searching her own darkened gaze, as if he was gracing her with the key to ease her nerves. His body swayed with the wind but she had figured out he had always done that; light on his feet, letting the wind guide him. When she was near, his body was always angled in some way toward her. She took it as his way of telling her he’s always there. 

“It’s going to be okay.” His voice was magic, pouring into her ears and depositing into her chest. She felt his hand before it even found her wrist, his thumb caressing the skin that wasn’t covered from her coat. Stepping closer, his breath fanned across her face while his chest grazed her arm. She was facing the apartment complex and he, her. Without looking at him, she knew he was her wall. He would shield her from the world, from whatever it was she found hard to face. Hoseok was always there for her, long before she had even known it. If only it were that easy in front of their friends.

Looking toward him, she could make out his gaze trained on her. His hand raised up in the darkness, caressing her cheek gently before pressing a soft kiss to her hand. 

“I’m right here, okay? I know that going in there, we might be facing a lot. It’s not ever simple with our friends,” He tried to laugh it off with amusement but she could hear his own nerves, “But it’ll be just like any other night. We’re going to be okay.”

Squeezing his hand, her twisted stomach told her something different. Yes, he always knew what to say to comfort her, but their friends had been off key for a while now. The last couple months, things had slowly started falling apart for them. It had been weeks since all of them actually hung out, because every time they did something would go wrong. Her frayed nerves told her tonight would be just the same.

“I don’t know about that, Hoseok.”

Inhaling heavily, he pulled her into him, shielding her from the lively darkness of their surroundings as well as her mind. He held his lips to her forehead for a moment, and she figured he was searching for the words to say. He eventually landed on, “Even so, I’m going to be there. You have nothing to worry about.”

Pulling away, she uttered, “You know that’s not really the case.”

It felt like the air of comfort had dissipated as quick as it came, her words poisoning the atmosphere. A part of her wanted to reel the words back in, but what was done was done. 

“Y/N…” 

Ignoring his tone, she stepped back and toward the lit sidewalk a few feet away. “Come on. I’m sure they’re waiting for us.”

He found his place beside her as they approached the apartments, this time some space between them. There was no reaching out and intertwining fingers, no comforting kisses on the hand or forehead. Regrettably, there was now a stormy frown tugging at Hoseok’s features. 

There was nothing she could do now, the cause of her distress nearing the closer they got to their destination.

Not when his hand came up to knock on the apartment door, awaiting their friends that had no clue of their profound relationship. 

The night was going to be hard, indeed. 

Hoseok was there, sure. But he wasn’t there in the way she wanted. At least, not when they were surrounded by their unaware friends. 

How could he reassure her that everything was going to be okay when they couldn’t even express their love for each other in front of the people they have yet to tell?

The door opened, the tired face of their friend brightening up at their arrival.

“Y/N! Hoseok! Finally.”

Glancing at Hoseok, who had managed to revert back to his bright and smiley self, greeted Taehyung enthusiastically. Giving her worries one last sigh, she tried to pull on her own mask of joy. 

It was time to buckle her seat belt, because she had no idea what this night would have in store.

------------------

Nine Hours Earlier

Y/N had always wondered if it was strange sad music motivated her. Everyone had their motivation. Some people took walks and it inspired their passions. Everyday before her dance class, her friend Ryujin would freestyle dance to her specific playlist or it would throw off her concentration for the rest of her day. Her other friend Chaeyeon had to start off her morning with yoga or she felt like everything was thrown off axis. 

There wasn’t much that Y/N felt like she needed to do to start her day on a good note. There was no checklist she followed, no script she read to get her mind in gear. For whatever reason, when she needed to focus, sad music was the way she pulled through. She could be in the greatest mood, could be in the highest moment of her life, but the soundtrack of said life was quite melancholic. Personally, she had never figured out why it helped her. Perhaps the slow tones relaxed her and allowed her to get everything done. Or maybe being in a more somber mood was the only way to flip her hardworking switch on, working harder and quicker to get away from it. 

Usually, she didn’t put much thought into it. 

Today was the first day the music wasn’t helping her focus. Instead, she found herself listening to the lyrics and soaking in the solemnity. Maybe because the assignment in front of her wasn’t demanding or due anytime soon, she couldn’t find it in herself to hone in on what was in front of her. 

That’s what led her to pondering this idea that sad music was what helped her accomplish her goals. If her lack of hard work at the moment was anything to go by, maybe that theory was wrong. Perhaps it had been but a coincidence all those other times she was focused when listening to melancholic tunes. Here she was, dark piano keys filling her ears. And nothing. 

Huffing in exasperation, she clicked onto another tab to cover her failure of a blank page and proceeded to pull out her phone. Spotting a text from Chaeyeon, she clicked on it to hum in confusion. 

“Look behind you?” Just as she looked behind her, Chaeyeon popped into view.

“Took you long enough to see my text,” Pulling out the seat in front of her, she smiled as she added, “You seemed like you were in the zone.”

“If by the zone, you mean ‘utter procrastination’, then yes. I was in the zone.” She groaned, pulling off her headphones and resting them around her neck. Chaeyeon smiled to herself, likely amused at her friend’s words. 

At first, Y/N found herself mirroring Chaeyeon’s smile, the feeling of fondness overtaking any other thought that could sour the mood. Her smile quickly faded at the thoughts and memories attached to her friend in front of her.

She must’ve sensed it herself, because she straightened her back and cleared her throat, intertwining her hands atop the table. 

“I sense that you have something serious you want to talk to me about,” Y/N waded through the conversation. If possible, Chaeyeon straightened even more than before. She was the picture of nervousness, and Y/N did her best to not assume it had anything to do with the tension amongst their friends. 

“Yeah, uh,” Y/N watched her friend’s hand as it raised in the air and pushed her hair behind her ear, “It’s nothing too serious. I was just wondering if you were going to the guys’ apartment tonight.”

Y/N’s body relaxed at her words. “Oh. That’s all you wanted to say?” Her own stress ebbed away as her previous thoughts about her assignment started to creep back in, take priority. As she scribbled something down in her notebook, she added, “I haven’t decided yet, actually.”

Glancing up at Chaeyeon, she caught the last seconds of her nodding in thought. Y/N knew when it came to the girl in front of her, she would need to step up and prompt the conversation a little more. After scribbling down a few more words, she set her pencil down and crossed her arms atop the flimsy table.

A random thought struck her then. How did Chaeyeon know she would be doing her homework outside this cafe, a couple of blocks away from campus? Maybe she was just predictable. Or maybe… just like she knew Chaeyeon’s habits, Chaeyeon knew hers all too well. 

She moved to lean her body weight forward but thought twice after the table wobbled. Leaning back, she sighed. “I don’t know. I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s noticed the group has been pretty… standoffish.”

Chaeyeon blew air out from her mouth. “Tell me about it. The air is suffocating and awkward half the time. The other half is hostile and cold. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like at least everyone has a problem with someone in the group.”

Y/N gave her a look, turning her focus back to the blank document on her computer. The screen was darkened with inactivity. “I don’t have a problem with anyone.”

“Oh really?” Chaeyeon’s tone sounded like the epitome of sarcasm. “So you’re telling me Jungkook hasn’t been acting pretty hostile and distant with you? Let’s also not talk about how unbearable Ryujin has been with everyone, including us. She snaps at anyone any chance she gets.”

She felt herself growing defensive at her friend’s tone. Opening her mouth to respond, she paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. Shifting in her seat, she uttered, “It’s not my fault they’re acting that way.”

Chaeyeon’s face settled into something resembling sympathy. “I’m not blaming you, Y/N. I resonate with you the most, actually. You and I just… I don’t know, we process things differently. We’re more…”

“...Mature,” Y/N finished for her, sensing her own tiredness of the topic at hand. She fiddled with her headphones, wanting to pull them on and end the conversation.

“I don’t disagree with that. Which is why I’m saying,” Chaeyeon reached out and pulled Y/N’s fidgety hand down, squeezing it once before letting go, “I think you see things more clearly. You see just what’s happening here.”

“And what is that?” There was a biting undertone, but Chaeyeon ignored it and continued.

“That our group of friends is falling apart. Too much drama, hostility, tension has built up over the last few months and it’s going to destroy our bond for good. But if some of us take the right steps…” Y/N figured what she was saying. She wanted her to come to the guys’ apartment tonight. Even though everything she just said was true, that there was too much bad instead of good, how over time things weren’t the same anymore, she wanted her to show up and pretend everything was alright.

“Now why would I subject myself to the inevitable drama that will blow up in our face if all of us show up tonight?”

“Because this might be our last chance to work through our problems and fix what's broken,” Chaeyeon was pretty passionate for the cause. Her eyes were sharp, unmoving from their position on Y/N’s face. Y/N had always admired that about her, her keen and driven personality constantly breaking through. Ever since she met and became close to her, she was familiar with the determination always driving her to her goals. 

Y/N considered what her friend was asking of her. She knew everything she was saying was true. In fact, she had known it long before the conversation even happened. Her group of friends was a bit big for liking, at least that’s what she thought prior to the group forming. It consisted of herself, Chaeyeon and five others. Yes, before the seven of them formed a bond, she was not one for a large number of friends. 

Yet, somehow the seven of them had fallen into place. The group slowly started forming during their freshman year of college. Others had hung around, getting close to some but not all. Over time, the group settled and the seven of them were what survived. It was kind of a miracle, the amount of history and memories that came along with being a part of something like this.

Except time went on and things changed. Some of them, Y/N included, were now in their second year of college. And over the past few months, the friendship wasn’t as harmonious as it used to be. Problems arose, deeply rooted issues with one another. Tension was consistently forming over time, or perhaps had been there all along. Suddenly, one couldn’t stand to be around another. There were people not talking to each other over problems seemingly trivial. There would be radio silences over group chats, then in real life- until the group slowly divided. There was time for one friend, but not the entire group. And this was among friends that used to be so tight. 

The more Y/N thought about it, the more she didn’t like the idea of putting herself in the same room with the people she used to spend every second with, when it was smiles they all gave each other and not glares. She was not one for drama.

“Before you say no, just remember that this is for Jimin.”

Y/N felt her thoughts stop at the sound of his name. She felt herself frown at the satisfaction that filled Chaeyeon’s face, as if she were thinking, Ha. I got you where I want you.

“It’s not just for Jimin, it’s for him, Taehyung, and Jungkook. Not just Jimin.” It bothered her that Chaeyeon would attempt to use her closeness to Jimin against her. 

“Yeah, but it’s really important to him that we’re all there. All of them are moving out, yes. But it’s more than that and you know it. For the first time, the three of them are going their separate ways. Jimin is… well, you know…he’s moving in with Miyeon. And Tae and Jungkook are moving in with their other friends. It’s going to be different.”

Her words definitely hung in the air, Y/N’s assignment long forgotten. Everything she was throwing at her was true and she knew it long before the conversation even occurred. She just didn’t want to face the reality. 

For the past few months, Jimin had kind of reverted back to his old self. When they first met, he was a bit closed off and quiet whenever he was around. Y/N didn’t really like to address it, but she was kind of the one that got him to open up. Before the group was a group, the guys had already formed a bond with each other long before anyone else. Chaeyeon and Y/N had connected separately as well. At first, Ryujin had started coming around because she and Taehyung were childhood best friends, but over time opened up and found her place. Jimin was a harder cookie to crack. 

Oddly enough, even though Jungkook was more of the roommate that liked to keep to himself, he hung around more often than Jimin at the beginning. Whenever the group would hang at the boys’ apartment, Jimin would hardly show his face. Y/N had a bit of an upper hand because she happened to have a class with him that first semester. At first, she had chosen to keep her distance. Coincidence or fate, whatever one wants to call it, had been on her side about midway through that class when their professor put them in a group together.

At first, he was just as cold and reserved. Slowly but surely, he started to feel comfortable around her. At first, they would meet for lunch to merely discuss their project. Their other two group members at the time were the slacking off type, so they figured from the beginning they would have to carry the responsibility. She remembered sitting across from him, how cool and nonchalant he appeared. She recalled how hard it was to hold eye contact with him, for he always was an attentive type. And it would amaze her that she was conversing about a project with him, strictly professional, while she would spend a lot of her free time at the apartment in which he lived. Close but far. 

But the closer the due date came, their meetings morphed into something more friendly. It became less professional and more comfortable. She started witnessing peeking smiles and slight giggles when she attempted a joke. After she did, she couldn’t get enough. He must’ve felt the same way, because the day after they turned in their project, he had texted her an invitation to lunch.

After that, he had started hanging around the group a lot more. He wouldn’t go straight to his room after coming home and seeing everyone there, instead taking a seat near Y/N and chatting. Sometimes, he would stay the entire time everyone was there. Other times, he would leave after a few minutes. It took time, but soon he fit in just like everyone else. 

She would argue that the two of them were just as close as she was to the girls. Out of the guys, he had definitely become her guy best friend.

Which is why it was easy to notice how closed off he had become in the last few months. 

Maybe everyone else in the group didn’t have an idea why. Maybe they did, but didn’t want to say it. She knew that it partially had to do with Miyeon, his new girlfriend. And it had all to do with his broken heart she suspected hadn’t healed since before he even began dating her. 

Blinking away her reminiscence, she felt an ounce of irritation at the girl before her. Her smug look fed into her annoyance. Yes, Chaeyeon knew her quite well. Because Y/N’s soft spot was definitely her bond with Jimin. 

“Well,” Y/N said slowly, gathering her pens and notebook to put them away, “Like I said, 

haven’t decided yet.”

“Y/N…”

“Look, it’s not that simple, Chae. Yes, I want to be there. But you know it’s been a long time since everyone has been on the same page.”

“I didn’t say it wasn’t. I’m just saying, these are the people we care about. You know how Tae gets. He wants us all there to say goodbye. We’ve had unforgettable memories there. He won’t say it, but it’s important we all show up.”

Y/N slipped her laptop into her bag. Glancing at Chaeyeon’s face, her heart stuttered at the sight of her frown. She was right. Taehyung was definitely a sentimental soul and was pretty open about his attachments. Even though he had been pretty quiet over his texts, he was probably struggling with the move. These were her friends. She didn’t mean to be so dismissive. It was the potential drama that put her off. All she could do was try and keep the peace. 

Chaeyeon stood at the same time as her, smoothing down her skirt. Once again, she fiddled with her hair by brushing it behind her shoulder. Tugging on her backpack, Y/N pocketed her phone and did everything she could to give herself time to think. In the end, she exhaled loudly.

“Okay, Chae. I’ll go.”

Her face brightened into a smile, all of the worry in her previous frown disappearing. “Lovely! It’ll be great. I have a good feeling about tonight.”

Y/N put on a smile to appease her friend, choosing not to respond. 

How could she, when she felt the exact opposite?

------------------

Four Hours Earlier

“We’re here.”

Was it really a good idea to go tonight? The more she thought about it, the negatives seemed to outweigh the positives. A sadness washed over her at the realization of how her perception of her friends had vastly changed. Her worries used to be about when she would be able to see her friends again, even if she had seen them the day before. Now, they were about whether or not she wanted to see them at all.

“Y/N,” Her eyes shot toward her left, an apologetic smile on her lips, “Where did you disappear in that mind of yours?”

She remembered when she thought Hoseok’s smile was the final straw she pulled in discovering she loved him. After much thought, it was obvious his eyes were to blame. Even now, as he stared at her so genuinely and focused on her. How could she not fall for him when looking into those endless eyes?

“Sorry about that. Just have a lot on my mind.”

His brows furrowed, his head tilting. “You want to talk about it?”

“Let’s get inside before we dive deep into the mess of my mind.”

The pair of them joined at the front of the car before they walked toward the entrance of the grocery store. Maybe because it was a Friday evening, or maybe it was their luck, but there weren’t many people shopping today. It was nice. A normally chaotic place was calm. In comparison, her normally calm thoughts were chaotic. The world was off its axis today and it left her stomach churning.

As if he could sense her unease, his hand gently skimmed hers for a moment before intertwining their fingers. Like medicine, his presence washed over her and settled her thoughts. 

“What do we need again?”

“Milk. Cheese. You also wanted tomato sauce for spaghetti. I think there’s a few more things. Let me see,” Y/N pulled out her phone to find the list they had made when they were at his place earlier.

“It’s okay. We can look around and see what we want to get.”

“Uh,” she looked at him then, but he wasn’t looking at her. His face was relaxed and peaceful. Something about his eyes told her it wasn’t as simple as that. It seemed he had some things on his mind too. “Okay. I guess that works too.”

She walked beside him as he pushed the cart into the store, immediately heading for the fruits. He honed in on the cherries, and she thought it was cute how he unknowingly moved a little faster out of excitement. 

“Yoongi ate the last bag of cherries too fast. So I have to get another one,” He uttered, inspecting them before depositing them into the cart.

Y/N stepped up onto the side of the cart, him giving her a look before he moved the cart up the aisle and stopped in front of the strawberries. “Sure, Hobi, blame your roommate for the lack of self control you have whenever you eat them.”

“Hey! You don’t believe me?”

His pout was almost enough to take back her words, their gazes still on each other. If he was able to hold onto that frown for a couple more seconds, maybe she would have conceded. All too soon, a smile erupted and she could only shake her head in feigned disappointment.

“No, I don’t believe you. You think you’re slick.”

“Give me a break. They’re delicious.”

They continued to move through the store, buying a few things here and there, discussing other purchases. When one was irrational about a choice, they would have to talk each other down from putting it in the cart. At other times, their love for each other made them give in to unnecessary wants like two packs of Oreos and a carton of ice cream.

“I’ve been really wanting this,” Y/N moved to put the smoothie drink in the basket but Hoseok’s hand found her wrist. Looking up at him, her own stern look mirrored his own. “What?”

“Maybe I would let you buy a three dollar drink if you hadn’t insisted on two packs of Oreos.”

“But-”

“No buts. I still have juice in the fridge.”

She huffed, grumbling about his reasoning. It morphed into a smile when he pressed a kiss into her forehead, her disappointment falling away. A comfortable silence ensued, the end of their shopping closing in on them. With the silence came her thoughts from earlier creeping up on her. Looking at Hoseok, there was a lack of unease and more of a comfort. He always made things easier to bear, made her more brave to face hardships. She was thankful for him every single day. For that, she felt it was only appropriate to hear his advice.

“So… I’m sure you've heard about the get together tonight.” If someone didn’t know him well, they wouldn’t have noticed his eyes lift and harden. This was a topic he wasn’t fond of himself. It was a blessing she knew him so well.

“Yeah. The guys texted me about it a couple days ago. And Tae called me earlier today to see if I was coming.”

She watched him closely. He wasn’t looking at her, his gaze forward and concentrated. She knew he was avoiding her eyes because it would be easier to read him. That was a telltale on its own. 

“Do you… want to go?”

Licking his lips in thought, he inhaled deeply before turning to share a look. His eyes scanned her face, as if it held the answer he was looking to give her. He led the cart to self check out, her trailing behind him. She waited, patient for his answer. 

He didn’t give it until they were on their way out.

“I told him yes, because it’s important to him. As for wanting to go? I do and I don’t. I’m sure you could guess that,” Glancing at her, her heart tugged at the storm brewing beneath his face. And she knew all too well now what was bothering him. 

She could see it whenever they discussed their friends. She read it in the tightened grip on the shopping cart, akin to when he had to tighten his fists whenever they couldn’t hold hands. Her eyes recognized the stress in his pursed lips, similar to when they pursed in the presence of their friends whenever he held back from kissing her.

Jung Hoseok was her friend. At first. 

He was the last one to join the friend group. At least, on a more consistent basis. Near the beginning, he was the type to hang out here and there. He and Ryujin saw a lot of each other because their majors were at the same college. Because of her, he met Taehyung and the two clicked immediately. With Taehyung came meeting everyone else. Over time, he became more of a constant.

Even at the beginning, he would hang around whenever he had the time. He was a social butterfly, often busy with other plans and other people. He would join them when he could, and when he did the vibe completely shifted into enhanced clarity.

It was slight at first, the intrigue that came with becoming his friend. He wasn’t just any guy. When a person met him they were immediately drawn to him. It would be an effort to dislike him because he was an incredibly likeable soul. He was genuine, accepting, uplifting. 

Whoever it was, they had a nice thing to say about him. It was like… he was a manual for everyone’s joy and it was hard to understand. When he talked to someone, they felt like they were the only person that mattered. He made you breathless, even if he was merely a friend. 

She remembered the feelings that came with growing close to him. He was endless, she had realized. There was a beginning to him but no end. At first, when they grew close she thought he must be this way with everyone. And she remembered how often she used to think, How do people not fall in love with him?

Jung Hoseok was her close friend. At first.

It felt like from one day to the next, they went from a casual greeting to constant texts. When he couldn’t come around, he would let her know and keep up texting with her as much as he could. He would call at random times, sometimes when he was walking somewhere to have her company or when he wanted to see how she was doing. When he would find the time to hang out with everyone, he would stick close to her. Even if he was talking to someone else, his presence echoed around her.

It was a bit of a game over when the two of them decided to hang out one on one. They would go over to each other’s places and watch movies together. Movie nights turned into  background music and late night talks. Instead of movies one night, they vowed to watch a show together. It was a strong commitment, especially in the midst of school, work and social lives. It was an unspoken statement. 

Sitting and watching one of her favorite shows beside him, it was the first time she wasn’t paying attention to Chandler’s witty sarcasm and Monica’s erratic behavior. It was the first time she was focused on the space, or lack thereof, between them.

Jung Hoseok was a crush. At first. 

She remembered the night she tried to fight it. It was a night that Taehyung had the bright idea of inviting more people over, wanting to branch out more and maybe grow closer to a few familiar faces. The night was mostly a bust in that aspect, but it was a success in other realizations.

There was a blur of people all around her, dazzled by their companions or the music or the lights of the small room they all inhabited. 

But not him. 

If she could compare him to anything, he would be like the lights hanging from the ceiling.

People were dazzled by him, longing to be in his presence. 

She watched him from a corner, thankful she had gotten the chance to be close to him. But now, she would have to be careful.

After all, a person is bound to find themselves enamored with an angel.

Just then, she watched as his smile lit up his face, the girls around him getting flushed at the sight. Even the guys seemed a little awestruck. It was a gift, his ability to make people feel good. 

Charming, she smiled to herself, looking down at her hands. 

Like he was the honey to her bee, she was drawn to look back at him. His eyes were already on her. Her eyes widened in shock, but she didn’t look away. She knew it would be obvious.

Instead, his smile softened, his eyes washing over her with fondness. As if to let her know, I’m only focused on you. 

She was running out of excuses and fast. But as time went on, she just couldn’t find it in herself to fight her feelings. 

Her assumptions were right indeed. It’s only a matter of time before a person finds themselves enamored with an angel. 

And all too suddenly, it shifted.

Jung Hoseok wasn’t a friend, a close friend, a crush anymore. 

He was always meant to be her love.

The only issue that came with that title was their friends. Around the same time they were falling for each other, he had found himself officially apart of the group. There were fewer times apart and more appearances among the group. He simply made the group feel whole. 

And their friends, well, they had no idea how they felt about each other.

At first, it was unintentional to keep it hidden for as long as it had been. As of right now, they had been dating for around four months. They had intended to tell their friends soon after they had made it official, but both of them quickly realized it wasn’t so simple. 

When Y/N brought up the idea of dating someone in the friend group, Ryujin had been set off. She was lit on fire, adamant that it was the worst idea anyone could ever have. Dating within the friend group always ended terribly. Y/N knew she wasn’t wrong but Hoseok was different. Even though she was basing it on a technicality, they had started seeing each other before he was truly close to everyone. It wasn’t so easy to accept Ryujin’s words when they were already so invested. When Chaeyeon wordlessly agreed, Y/N was shattered.

Hoseok came back to her with the same news, both of them upset when they realized their friends wouldn’t be as accepting as they had assumed. So they held off. 

And now, looking at the stress that lined Hoseok’s face on the drive back to his apartment, she knew why he didn’t really want to go to the guys’ place tonight. 

The idea of having to pretend, to withhold the truth from everyone, was enough to leave him less than excited to attend.

Looking away, her stomach churned with shame as she angled her body toward the passenger door. The tension and disharmony among the group wasn’t the only matter to be settled. While the bond with their friends grew worn and tired over time, their bond with each other tightened and thrived. They had waited too long. 

“I’m sorry.”

The phrase was so small, but loud as it cut through the air like ice. Her body felt stiff and her heart heavy. This should’ve been handled a long time ago.

“Hey. Hey,” Hoseok’s voice was soft, reaching out to her. She felt his warm hand cup her own, and he shook it gently. She couldn’t face him, her thoughts running wild and pointing the finger at her. You should’ve told them a long time ago, her mind accused. “Y/N. Look at me.”

Closing her eyes, she took a moment to collect herself. Breathe in, breathe out. Pushing away the thoughts that were rattling her mind, she turned to meet his gaze. It was instantaneous, the influence he had on her. Seeing his soft gaze now, the worried glint in his eyes, made sadness swell in her chest. 

The light turned green and he had to look away, but he glanced at her every chance he could get. Holding his hand out, he waited until she placed her own on it. He intertwined them and pulled them to rest on his leg.

“I don’t want you blaming yourself. I know you think that… I don’t know, that this is all on you. You know, for always figuring out what lane my thoughts are on, you always tend to take a side road to get there.” His voice was fond, his tone still soft. It coaxed a genuine laugh from her.

He continued. “But this is not your fault. It’s both our responsibility to tell them about what we are. It’s taken too long, and I think it’s because we’ve gotten so comfortable with them not knowing. We know that once they do, there’s going to be a certain stress that’ll be put on us. It’s never easy figuring out the dynamic shift. Yeah, it’s a little selfish we waited. But who says we can’t for a little while? It’s just… with the way things have been going in the group, and the toll it’s taken on you... I don’t really want you to go through what other stress they’ll put on you after they know.”

She observed the slideshow outside her window. The sky was quickly growing darker, the pinks and orange streaks at the skyline leading upward to the light-to-dark ocean above. She let his words sink in before she responded.

“I appreciate your worry for me, for us. I actually didn’t know that’s what was stressing you out. And I agree with everything you’re saying but…”

“But it’s time to tell them. I know. It’s long overdue.”

“After tonight? We should definitely go tonight. I think it’ll mean a lot to the guys. I know that it means a lot more to Tae than he’s admitting.”

His smile worked wonders on her heart, making it skip then settle into peace. He raised her hand to his lips, holding his lips there for a moment before pressing a soft kiss into the skin. “After tonight.”

------------------

Now

It was stepping into the past. 

At least, that’s how Y/N would describe it the moment she entered the boys’ apartment. There was a bit of things still left to be packed, but it still felt the same as months ago. Maybe it wasn’t so much the look but more the smell. It smelled distinctly like the boys. Jungkook’s cologne, Jimin’s air fresheners and Taehyung’s body wash.

There was still the worn dark brown sofa in the middle of the living room, the large chest Jungkook had bought to substitute a coffee table right in front of it. She remembered how the apartment stunk of spray paint for days after he decided to design what he considered a “bland, brown treasure chest”. Every time she looked at it, she thought of him.

There was the wooden shelves that Taehyung had attempted to put up himself on the wall adjacent to the living room. After the first one he put up fell and shattered one of his favorite globes he had gotten from travelling, he left Jungkook to assemble the rest. They were yet to be taken down, occupied by their possessions. On those shelves were pieces of the three boys. There were photos of the three of them, the girls in some of them. Her favorite one was still in view, though barely from where she stood. 

It was back when Jimin had dyed his hair blond and looked so happy, leaning on a short wall with his favorite jean jacket wrapped around him and a cheesy smile on display. Taehyung was beside him, the picture of an unfazed man. His head was tipped back, his eyes honed in on the camera and his lips slightly quirked. Always in a button up shirt, untucked and unbuttoned to showcase the necklace he never took off. Seemingly different boys that bonded long before they met everyone else. They were the picture of brotherhood, two sides of a coin. Although Taehyung was putting up a cool face, it captured them so well that it made her smile every time she looked at it.

There was trinkets spread out on the three shelves, mostly Taehyung’s, but there were pieces of Jungkook and Jimin there too. Taehyung’s globes from all of the countries he had travelled too, six total, were scattered among the three surfaces. Some of Jungkook’s favorite shots he had taken with his camera were framed and placed where there was free space. Jimin’s favorite toy car from when he was a child was still up there, right beside the sand jar he made when he visited the sea for the first time. Y/N looked away, pushing away the sting at her heart.

Y/N was sure if she ventured farther into the apartment, she would be hit in the face with the lack of the boys’ presence. From where she stood, not much was different. She spotted Taehyung’s favorite burgundy blanket Chaeyeon had gifted him last Christmas, sprawled across the back of the couch in its usual spot. But where Jungkook’s comic books and the guys’ video games used to reside on the large chest in the center, were unclosed boxes. Inside, she caught a glimpse of them being nearly full. Peeking into the kitchen, she saw the counters were bare and the refrigerator empty of magnets and photos. The dining table to her left held several boxes on its surface, taped up and labeled. 

“What are you doing just standing there? Come help me pick a board game!”

At Taehyung’s words, she smiled. As she walked past the living area, she scanned the room. So far, Ryujin and Chaeyeon were the only two in sight. They were chatting about something quietly, Ryujin’s attention mostly on her phone as she lounged on the loveseat adjacent to the couch. Chaeyeon was the one doing most of the talking. Y/N wondered where the other boys were but decided not to question, following after Taehyung. Glancing back at Hoseok, she smiled as he made himself comfortable on the sofa.

Her shoes sounded heavier as she walked down the hall leading to all of the bedrooms. As her gaze scanned the bare white walls on either side of her, her heart became a boulder. Just like that, a place she was so used to was going to be gone. Photos of their families, of them, more of Jungkook’s favorite shots, used to be displayed proudly on these walls. Now it was simply another hallway. Again, she blinked and forced her attention to the back of Taehyung’s head. His hair was longer than the last time she saw him but she always told him he looked nice that way. He liked to keep it shorter, though, because he claimed it suited his elegance. She hummed in amusement, noting how his outfit was very him. Cozy but elegant. His favorite night robe hanging haphazardly at the crook of his arms, a dark turtleneck hugging his form.

Although she was confused when he continued past the hall closet, it was cleared up as he answered her thoughts. “First, I’m going to tell Guk to come out and stop hiding. If I have to, I’ll drag him out of there. Then, we’ll retrieve the games!”

“Sure you will,” Y/N mused, remaining a distance behind him. It didn’t take a genius to pick up on the distant vibes Jungkook had continued to throw her way for the past few weeks. She was nervous he would see her and decide against hanging with everyone. The thought stung but she pushed it aside.

Taehyung knocked on his door once before pushing it open. She was mostly hidden from Jungkook’s view. From her stance, she could catch a glimpse of his dark set of hair. Her eyes trailed from him for a moment, observing what little she could see of his room. She definitely wasn’t in the past anymore, because everything was hitting her like a punch to the stomach. All of his movie posters, his photos of his friends, family, places he was so proud of gone from the walls. The bookshelf in the corner was empty, none of the abundant books it carried in view. The floor was clear of everything, none of his signature flannels or shoes thrown seamlessly around. It was desolate, not anything like the room she knew. Swallowing heavily, she turned her attention back to the boy sprawled on his mattress.

From her position, she could see he was lying on his bed, his arms bent beneath his head and his headphones covering his ears. He looked comfortable, with no intention of coming out anytime soon. Taehyung sighed deeply before leaning forward and grabbing onto his friend’s ankle.

“Guk! What are you doing?”

“What’s it look like I’m doing?”

Taehyung stayed silent. Y/N wondered what look he was giving him. The silence seemed to work, because Jungkook proceeded to sigh, sitting up and out of her view. 

“I know you want me to go out there, but what do you want me to say? Tae, you know why-”

“Before you go and whine, I think you should give the night a chance. We haven’t seen everyone like this in so long. I’m not going to let you miss out and then regret it forever.”

Silence once more. This time, Taehyung sighed. Glancing over his shoulder, he said, “Go ahead and pick the games we’ll play. They’re in the box on my bed. I’ll meet you back in the living room.” Stepping into Jungkook’s room, he gave her a reassuring look before the door was completely closed.

Allowing herself to breathe in deeply, she shook off the heaviness that was creeping up on her. Was she even allowed to feel this way, after avoiding being here for the last few months? Being here now, watching how the place had transformed and lost most of its sentimentality, it felt like all of her issues with her friends were dim in comparison. Because this was all of their last night here before it was gone, inaccessible. Starting tomorrow, it would be but a mere memory. Jimin was moving in with his girlfriend, a whole other issue on its own. Jungkook was distant already and would pull away even more now that he and Taehyung were moving in with other friends the rest didn’t particularly have a bond with- it was like turning around and realizing too much time had passed. Life was harsh like that.

It took too long to reach Taehyung’s door, even though it was a few steps away from Jungkook’s. Y/N chose to not look in Jimin’s room as she passed it, the door wide open. She already knew the sight would make her chest hurt. 

A pause. 

Her hand gently reached out and slowly pushed the door open.

Instead of heartache, perplexity fell over her like a curtain. Instead of being bare or mostly packed up, his bedroom was almost exactly the way it was in her memory. Hardly anything was packed, a couple of boxes on the floor open and slightly filled. The sight was comforting yet confusing.

For a few moments, she stood there and observed the room. Despite being somber only moments prior, the room before her made her steps light. It was nice to see at least one thing from her memory remained the same.

 “Having trouble locating the board games?” Taehyung’s amusement sounded from behind her.

Caught in the act, Y/N’s skin warmed as she avoided Taehyung’s eyes. Maneuvering around her, he placed a gentle hand on her upper arm as if to comfort her. As he reached into the box on his bed, he looked over his shoulder to offer her a smile. 

Instead of explaining why she was observing his room, she stepped up beside him to see the contents of the box. One by one, he pulled out the board games stacked on one another. 

“I don’t know what I’m in the mood for. I don’t even know if those lame asses will want to play anything anyways.”

Bumping his shoulder with hers, Y/N exclaimed, “They won’t have a choice.”

“That’s the spirit.”

“We definitely have to play Hedbanz.”

“No question about that.”

As they separated the board games into two piles, one for yes and one for vetoed games, she grew distracted by his room once more. From her memory, the boys were going to move out tomorrow. Or maybe by the end of the weekend. She couldn’t remember the exact date. But Taehyung had done little to no packing.

“Ah, I know what you’re thinking,” This time, Taehyung wouldn’t look her in the eye as he put the games they had decided against back in the box, “I’m not intentionally holding off- well, I guess I am. I just, you know, I don’t want to… say goodbye quite yet. I’m obviously going to get it done. I don’t have a choice. Jimin keeps getting on my ass about it, but I’m not like him. I can’t just write this place off. I mean, we have so many memories here. And it’s like, I’m talking to a brick wall when I try to talk to Jungkook and Jimin about it. Jungkook can’t wait to get out of here, and Jimin has been pulling away long before we decided to move out anyways and-”

The words fell out of his mouth, as if he had been holding them in for a long time. He stopped himself abruptly, as if realizing what he was actually talking about. Shaking his head, he huffed a breath out and tried to apologize, but Y/N wasn’t having it. 

“Hey,” Reaching out to his shoulder, she gently turned him to face her. He attempted a smile, but she could see he was a lot more sad than he was allowing himself to show. “You don’t have to apologize. I get it. This place, it’s a part of you guys. And it wasn’t just your home, it was where the three of you bonded and… not only that, it’s where all of us really connected. You don’t have to pretend it’s easy. It can’t be, not when there are so many memories tied to this place. There’s nothing wrong with it being a challenge. I’m sure it’s hard for the three of you, and you each handle it at your own pace. Most goodbyes are hard, especially when you don’t particularly want them. You’ll get it done in time. Just don’t stress yourself out.”

He nodded slightly, opting to not respond as he finished packing the other board games away. She took a moment to walk over to his dresser, more of his little belongings atop its surface. A quiet laugh fell from her mouth as she spotted the photo of him and Ryujin when they were young, their faces drawn on by each other and their expressions mixes of anger and amusement. Her eyes were drawn to another frame, her smile slowly falling at the sight of the entire group. It was one of the only successful photos the group had ever gotten, every single person feeling satisfied with the outcome. It was an unforgettable moment, her mouth pulling downward as her expression grew tense. It was simpler times, now that she reflected on it. She loved the photo, even had her own copy.

She remembered it even used to be in the boys’ living room. For a moment, she allowed herself to soak in the guys lined up in a row, the girls on their backs. She looked at herself, in the midst of laughter as she was on Jungkook’s back. Beside her, was Ryujin with a smug smile as she rested on Taehyung’s, his face stretched in feigned annoyance. Beside them were Chae and Hoseok in the same position, smiles lighting both of their faces. At the end, there was Jimin… Soojin on his back. The pair of them looked incredibly happy.

Taehyung appeared beside her and glancing at him, she noticed his own thoughtful expression studying the photo.

“That was one of my favorite memories of all of us. It was when Soojin was still here, and Jimin…” He looked down, as if it was too painful to continue down that road, before clearing his throat, “Anyways, I will still argue that it’s the best photo of all of us together. Not a single one of us looks caught off guard or ugly. Well, maybe Jungkook,” Y/N laughed at his jab and his face beamed with pride.

As they both stood beside each other, looking into the past, she wondered if they were thinking the same thing. How much would it take for their friendships to return to normal? Were they all destined to grow apart? Maybe Soojin was only the beginning, the first person to leave and perhaps be the beginning of the end. 

“Things change, but it doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Take the move, for example,” She decided it was time to turn away from the photo, turn forward. Approaching the bed, she scooped up some of the games into her arms, “Yes, it’s sad to leave a part of you behind. But moving out means new possibilities. I know you’re excited to live with Namjoon and, uh,”

“Seokjin. He likes going by Jin, though,” Tae went along with the topic shift, picking up the remainder of the games. After a second of potentially dropping them, he steadied himself and said, “Lead the way!”

She turned and headed for the door, not looking back when he quietly uttered, “Thanks for lending an ear. I’ve… really missed you being around.”

“Of course. And I’ve missed you too, Tae.”

She made sure her voice was light, ignoring the familiar heaviness in her chest at his words.

Walking into the living room, she could’ve fooled herself into this night being suspended in the past. Jungkook was skipping through one of his many playlists, trying to find a song to play on the bluetooth speaker in his hands. He was slouched in the other loveseat of the living room, on the opposing side from Chae’s seat. He looked bored and he likely was, but she knew that’s how he always started. He’d get into the night later. 

Hoseok was standing near Chaeyeon, laughing at a story she was telling him while Ryujin listened in but looked less than amused. Even though Jimin was missing for the time being, it felt… familiar. It must’ve been a magic hour, because it was as if nothing had changed and they were transported back in time.

“Guk, can you move the boxes on the table?”

“For the last time, it’s a chest,” Jungkook responded monotonously, unmoving as he continued scrolling through his phone.

Hoseok spoke up, “I got it,” as he moved the boxes to the corner.  Taehyung offered him a grateful smile and “accidentally” kicked at Jungkook’s legs as he walked near him, putting down the games.

“Thanks for the help.”

Jungkook glanced up for a second before returning his gaze to his phone. “Hoseok offered.”

Taehyung turned away from him, practically growling, “Swear I could smack him upside the head sometimes.”

If he heard it, he didn’t acknowledge it, a smile tugging at Jungkook’s lips as he finally decided on a song. It was perfect for the setting, laid back and a bright-sounding ukulele song. For whatever reason, it made Y/N hopeful for the night. 

Settling on the couch beside Ryujin, she was greeted by Chae happily.

“Y/N! I’m so glad you’re here!”

“I am too,” Y/N agreed.

Instead of a hello, Ryujin gave her a more… Ryujin greeting. Leaning over, she showed her a photo on her phone. “Do you think I should buy these shoes?”

Y/N looked at her with mild surprise before getting more comfortable, taking the phone in her hand to inspect them better. It was normal, like it always had been. At least, like it used to be. 

“Mmmm, why do you want them?”

Ryujin shrugged one shoulder. “I’ve been thinking I need some new shoes. Those seem reliable. White’s probably a bad idea but they look the most badass.”

Y/N looked at her for a moment, her heart blooming like a flower. It had been quite a while since she saw Ryujin, what, over a month? This girl was a campfire, warm and alluring. She drew you in, inviting and exciting. Just like campfires, she isn’t as serene as she seems. One wrong move- in other words, add gasoline- will set her ablaze. She was just as infuriating as she was inviting. 

“I think they’re nice. Definitely a cop.”

“This is why I like you more. Chae said I should go with the red.”

Chaeyeon chimed in, “Hey! Your favorite color is red!”

“But who buys all red Jordans?” Ryujin turned to share a look with Y/N. “See what I mean?”

Y/N could only chuckle as she looked past her, noting Chaeyeon’s frustrated huff. Her eyes trailed, always searching for Hoseok. Quickly she found him when she looked over her shoulder, he and Taehyung standing in the kitchen entryway and talking quietly. As if he sensed her, his own eyes bounced toward her and offered her a smile before turning his attention back. Her heart flipped. 

Turning back, there was the familiar sensation of someone looking at her. It was burning, and in her peripheral it seemed Jungkook was the culprit. Her eyes shifted to look at him. Either he was never looking at her in the first place or he had rather fast reflexes, because when her eyes reached him, his attention was on his phone. Unsure if she had been imagining it, she observed him as inconspicuous as possible. Out of everyone, he had been the person she hadn’t seen in the longest time. If she allowed herself to think about it, it saddened her more than she’d like to admit. 

There was a period of time where she and Guk truly formed a close bond. When they hung out together, it was as if she had known him all of her life. The closer they got, they realized they had a lot more things in common than they would’ve guessed:  similar music taste, they both loved films, obsessed over superheroes and they both enjoyed trying new things. It was a duo she never would’ve seen coming, because upon first glance they felt quite different. He was a brooding type on the surface, but loud and excitable when he was comfortable. She was more quiet and down-to-earth but wasn’t particularly shy even when meeting her. Maybe it was just her own speculation but it didn’t seem like they were the type to get close.

Except they did. And it was amazing. 

She could recall vividly how he would randomly call her, excited and pleading with her to come hang out with him. Sometimes, it would be an afternoon playing the Nintendo Switch, driving Taehyung crazy because Guk would refuse to let him crash their hangout. Other times, they would go out walking in the city. Her favorite days would be when he was practically buzzing to show her something, usually street art, but sometimes places. And sometimes it would be a quiet journey, his attention and thoughts wrapped up in his camera. Other times, they would try and share earphones and laugh or grumble when one would accidentally knock them out of their ears. On those days, he would randomly hop up onto something along the way and purposefully sing loud and proud, making her laugh and cringe. Those were the best days.

Their friendship was extraordinary in its own way.

And one day, it all changed. There wasn’t really an explanation. From one day to the next, he didn’t really want to talk to her anymore. He especially didn’t want to hang out. The distant persona was a lot to take in, and it made her feel down when she started figuring out he would only come around if he thought she wouldn’t be there. Over time, she grew used to it. She had to, considering the state of everyone’s friendships in general.

Her heart dropped, still observing him from her spot on the couch. His hair was messy and cozy on his forehead, just like it always had been. He wasn’t as headstrong about haircuts like Taehyung, but he would get it cut when his mom would nag him about it enough. And he looked like he always did. The only difference was… they weren’t close anymore.

“You need something?” 

His low voice directed at her snapped her out of her thoughts, practically making her jump in surprise. She was thrown off, not expecting him to address her at all. She shouldn’t have been though, considering he didn’t completely ignore her existence. He simply avoided her. 

  “Uh, well, uh- no. Sorry,” Her skin heated up with embarrassment. “How’ve you been?”

“Alright. Nothing new.” There was a pause, as if he didn’t want to continue talking. “You?”

It filled her with more happiness than she expected, having him talk to her again. She tried not to get her hopes up too much, because it was rather casual anyways.

“Same old, same old. Classes are the usual. Work is okay.”

“That’s good.” And that was that. 

Even though it wasn’t much, it still made her sitting near him a lot more bearable. It even made her… happy. If she looked a little closer at him, she would be able to see how he pretended to be looking at the contents of his phone, his eyes on the same post for the last five minutes. She would see it was hard for him to pretend he was absorbed in the contents of his phone But she chose not to look into him anymore, too afraid he would get annoyed at her. 

“Yes!” Taehyung’s exclamation gathered everyone’s attention, his eyes glittering as he turned to face everyone. “Jimin’s outside with the pizza! I’m ready to eat!” As he strode over to the front door, likely to help him carry everything in, Chaeyeon called after him.

“Did you get a cheese pizza? You know I don’t like pepperoni, right?”

“Of course. Who do you think I am?” He shot a wink at her, soon reaching for the front door. Before he opened it, he shot a grimace at Y/N and mouthed, Shit. 

She merely shook her head at him before he pulled open the door and disappeared.

As they waited, Hoseok rounded the sofa and offered her that reserved smile meant for her. It made her heart stutter, her eyes likely gleaming as she observed him come closer. Perching on the arm of the couch, his presence washed over her. Always comforting. Because he was perched, he was looking down at her. Even though there was a set distance between them, of course there was, it still felt like every other time they were near each other. It was magnetic.

“Sometimes I forget how animated Tae is.”

She quirked a smile, her eyes trained on him. “He calls himself ‘the life of the party’ for a reason.”

“Maybe he is. He’s always been good at entertaining everyone for an entire night. Not just anyone could do that.”

“Ever the optimist,” She teased, her voice lowering. For a moment, she sincerely forgot they weren’t alone.

Hoseok returned a smile of his own, bumping his leg into her arm playfully. “I have to be. It balances out your cynicism.”

“Hey!” Playfully, she smacked the back of her hand into his leg as he laughed. “I’m not a cynic! We all know who that title goes to.” Simultaneously, both their gazes found Ryujin. She was in the midst of describing to Chaeyeon how much she disliked her job. Feeling attention on her, she turned toward the pair.

“What?”

Hoseok and Y/N stifled their laughs, avoiding her when she attempted to pester them about why they were laughing. After she gave up, Y/N leaned back into the sofa. Her gaze travelled upward, finding Hoseok’s own already on her. He always looked at her so fondly, and if it wasn’t a stretch, he always looked as if he were amazed. It served as her reminder that he was just as smitten.

“This is really nice. I’m glad we’re all doing this.”

Hoseok agreed. “I think we all needed it. It’s good to just take a step back from the seriousness of life and enjoy yourself. And what better way to enjoy yourself than hanging out with your friends?”

They looked at each other, their smiles fading a bit as their thoughts took over, and Y/N wondered if his thoughts mirrored her. All she could think of was the state of their friendships, stretched taut. In this moment, she hoped they could fix it. 

The sound of the front door falling open drew everyone’s attention.

“Feel free to applaud. Your knights have saved the day!” Taehyung announced, the sound of his slippers slapping against the wood floors making his appearance a lot more adorable than he likely knew. 

The appearance of Jimin following behind him twisted Y/N’s heart painfully. It was a lot harder to swallow the reality of her friendship with him. They still kept in touch, albeit occasionally. The only way she could describe what happened was how he had reverted to his older self, the version of himself when they first met. Even seeing him now, she noticed how he looked a little different. 

She was sure the frown on his face didn’t help, uttering to Taehyung, “I didn’t hear you pipe up when I asked to go half on the price earlier.”

Taehyung had the decency to look embarrassed. “You know I’m tied down in the moving expenses.”

“Yeah, yeah.” A smile raised on Jimin’s lips and for whatever reason, released the tension in her shoulders. She was hoping to see a bit of the Jimin she knew. 

She observed quietly as Ryujin trailed to the kitchen and attempted to open one of the pizza boxes, snapping at Taehyung when he shoved her hands away. Y/N’s eyes followed Jimin as his attention was on pulling out plastic plates and cups from the grocery bags. He looked tired, stressed. The one thing she noticed since he walked in was how his face seemed to be a permanent frown, his eyebrows drawn together and yet to be pulled apart. His hair was no longer blond, hadn’t been for a while. It was its original dark shade and peeking out of a beanie  he tugged off after leaving the kitchen area.

The feeling of Hoseok’s hand on her shoulder pulled her down from her mind. Turning to him, she reassured his worried eyes with a smile. It looked like he struggled with not pushing the topic, but after pursing his lips he nodded in understanding. 

“Ready to go eat?” 

Nodding, she breathed in before standing. Now that Jimin was here, the night was officially beginning. She wasn’t so sure anymore how normal the night could play out. For her, it was impossible to shake the feeling that something was going to go down tonight. If the last couple of months was a testament to that, there was always something unravelling. She could only hope they achieved peace.

“Dude, move out the kitchen! You’re so annoying!” Taehyung practically hollered, pushing Ryujin’s hands away as she reached for the box once more.

“What are you talking about? I’m hungry and you’re standing in my way!” She wouldn’t budge, crossing her arms and looking at him sternly.

He looked frustrated, snapping at her with sarcasm. “Yeah, no shit, but we’re trying to get everything settled. Go clear the table or something!”

“That’s your job! This isn’t my apartment!”

Taehyung blinked at her, before turning away and mumbling, “You’re a pain in my ass.”

Everyone around them was used to the two of them. For Y/N, it was a bit hard to hold back a smile. The group knew how close the two were, though they were at each other’s throats majority of the time. Ryujin liked to argue with everyone in general, but with Taehyung it was a whole different level. They’ve been best friends since they were five and maybe the history was what made them act like siblings. Even though more often than not they were arguing, there were always moments that proved how much they meant to each other.

Jimin spoke up. “It’s okay. I’ll clear the table. Guk, handle the drinks, please.”

Jimin paused in his steps, noticing Y/N and Hoseok. Up close, she could tell he was tired. But it all seemed to fade away when a sweet smile brightened his face.

“Y/N! Hoseok! I haven’t seen you in ages.” He stepped forward and hugged her briefly before he did the same with Hoseok. 

“It’s really nice to see you, Jimin.” She responded softly.

Hoseok added, “It really is. I see you dyed your hair back.”

Jimin immediately grew shy, his eyes shifting to the side as his hand came up to ruffle his own hair. “Yeah, I figured it was time to go back. Having to dye it blond was too much work. And way too expensive.”

“You look great either way, man.” Hoseok responded genuinely and it was like it was music to Jimin’s ears. His face brightened even more, the embarrassment washing away. Hoseok clasped his shoulder, adding, “Here. I’ll help you clear the table off.”

Jimin expressed his thanks. As he walked past Y/N, his gaze softened as he said quietly, “It’s really nice to see you. To see everyone.”

She didn’t have time to respond, Chaeyeon calling out to her and effectively seizing her attention. Walking into the kitchen, she managed to find the minimal space left to stand as she watched Chae and Jungkook take the drinks out of the bags. Jimin bought two-liters of a few different kinds of soda, along with two cases of beer and two cartons of juice. 

Chae held up the orange juice and her face twisted. “Am I supposed to drink juice?”

Y/N watched as Jungkook looked at her blankly. “There’s soda. And beer.”

She looked right back at him. “Well, I don’t drink. And I don’t really like soda.”

Jungkook blinked before moving to walk away, sighing, “Drink water from the sink, then.”

Chaeyeon glared at his back, saying underneath her breath, “Jerk,” before saying more loudly, “Y/N doesn’t drink either.”

“At least she drinks soda,” He called back, reaching around Ryujin and grabbing a slice. 

The pair of them stood behind Y/N, eating their slices quietly and brooding in front of the boxes. Y/N shook her head before pulling out a styrofoam cup and picking the Dr. Pepper two-liter. After failing to find ice in the freezer, she ignored how the soda was slightly lukewarm as she filled her cup.

After Chaeyeon poured herself some orange juice, she pulled Y/N aside and whispered, “He’s always so moody. I like it when he’s in a good mood.”

“Give him a break. He might be… going through something,” She ignored the memories of how close they once were.

“Yeah, but he doesn’t need to take it out on me.”

“Oh, Chae.” She tried to walk to the pizza. Chae stopped her, signalling her to continue. “He had a point.”

“Hey!”

Soon, they were all settled at the dining table. It was kind of a miracle, considering when they used to hang out they would typically sit wherever they wanted. Usually, they were split between the table and the living room. Tonight, however, that wasn’t an option and Y/N was sure it had to do with the circumstances. It would be their last time all eating together in this apartment, so she figured Taehyung wanted it to be special.

Y/N happened to be sat across from Jimin, watching him lost in thought. His eyes were zoned out, the slight bags under his eyes somehow more visible in the dim lighting. He finished eating quite early, sitting back in his seat and slowly chugging down his beer. It was nice seeing him after a while. It stung at the same time, noticing how obviously something was going on with him. When he wasn’t taking swigs from the bottle, he would slide it from one hand to the other across the surface of the table. 

She decided if she got the opportunity tonight, she would ask him what was going on. Before he really pulled away from his friends, she had gotten an idea of what was eating away at him. No one really addressed it, because they knew how much it hurt him, but maybe that was all of their mistakes.

The fact of the matter was, it wasn’t too long ago that Soojin broke his heart. 

Around the beginning, Soojin was a friend of the group who came around quite often. Before Hoseok really established his connection with everyone, he and Soojin were pretty much on the same level of their friendship status with everyone. She was a pretty great friend, especially with the girls. With her around, it had always felt a little like they could take on the world. 

She was the uplifting type, always motivating the girls to go out without the guys, take time for themselves and discover what it’s like to just have fun on their own. Y/N could remember how unforgettable it would be whenever the four of them would hole up in someone’s dorm room or Soojin’s apartment. She had a karaoke machine she would set up every time and they would spend a chunk of their nights singing their lungs out. They would splurge on snacks, rent scary movies and shriek in horror and laughter all night until they passed out one by one. 

If it wasn’t a stretch, Soojin was a girl’s girl. She made you feel like a queen. 

One of the main reasons it was so easy to get close to her, and it used to be nice in the beginning, was she lived in an apartment down the hall from the boys. And when she would come around, it was clear how Jimin and her were from the start. 

At first, it was innocent. 

All too soon, it was serious. 

He fell head over heels for her. It seemed reciprocated, too. At least it did on those nights when the girls would be resting in the darkness of her bedroom, her whispers filling the air of how she was amazed by him everyday. 

And it was a masterpiece, seeing how Jimin unveiled an even more loving side of himself.

That was, until they started having problems. 

After all, any sane boyfriend would have an issue with his girlfriend’s ex coming back to town and showing up at her door. Soojin had failed to really talk about how in love she was with her ex-boyfriend, and it threw her for a loop when he showed up unannounced. 

The more time passed, the more fights unraveled between them. And one night, Jimin bared his heart to her. He expressed just how uncomfortable the guy made him, how he felt like it was a competition. And how, inevitably he felt like she didn’t know what she wanted. 

That was the night she shattered his heart. 

Since then, Jimin hadn’t really been the same. For a time, it seemed like he might be getting better. Enter his new girlfriend, and it was like it was the Jimin she first knew returned. She didn’t like the implications of that, because it meant he felt more like a stranger than familiar. Unfortunately, it was the truth.

He was a flower that was reverse blooming, and it was unclear whether he was wilted or too far gone. How could any of them know when he didn’t open up anymore?

And she wondered just how good this Miyeon girl was for him, considering they hadn’t gotten the chance to get to know her yet he was moving in with her. From what they’ve seen, she isn’t exactly great. Often, it seemed more like she was controlling him than caring about him. It boiled her blood.

“So. How are your new roommates like?” Chaeyeon asked, effectively breaking the silence.

Taehyung dabbed at his mouth, not even needing to look at Jungkook to know he wouldn’t answer, before responding. “I think you guys will like them. Namjoon is a bit of a bold guy, pretty wise but doesn’t take anyone’s shit. Jin is a character. He’s very sweet though. I think you and Joon would get along, Chae.” 

Chae immediately grew flustered. Shaking her head, she was like, “Ah, I would hope not.”

Taehyung raised an eyebrow. “And why not?”

“B-because… Well, I’m not looking to date anyone now.”

“Who says I was setting you up?”

“You implied it.”

“Says who?”

Jungkook threw his head back and groaned. “For fu- Both of you, relax. Chae doesn’t want to date him. And Tae, stop messing with her.”

Tae raised his hands in surrender. “I was only teasing. I know Chae is all business, never pleasure.”

Chae’s face grew serious. “Not true. Just because I don’t want to date your lame ass friend doesn’t mean I’m not dating in general.”

That grabbed everyone’s attention. There was a mixture of reactions, mostly surprise or curiosity. Chaeyeon wasn’t really the type to put any of her effort into dating. She was always more concerned about her grades, work and just the business side of life. And when everyone would ask, she would simply brush the idea off.

Taehyung wiggled his eyebrows. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

Chaeyeon looked around, as if she were nervous. Her hand raised to brush some hair away behind her ear. Before she raised her head proudly and gave him a shy smile. “Well, who says… it’s a lucky guy?”

Everyone looked at Tae, his mouth slightly open. He blinked once before he nodded. “My apologies for assuming. Who’s the lucky someone?”

There was a collective sense of relief. If possible, Chae smiled even wider and seemed to grow more comfortable, maybe expecting more of a reaction. Y/N was just happy to see her look so happy. Chaeyeon was never one to talk about personal feelings, so it was a sweet change of pace.

“Well, it’s nothing too serious yet. Her name is Yves. We’ve been seeing each other when we have the time.”

Ryujin quirked an eyebrow, crossing her arms and putting up a serious front. Leaning forward, she made sure Chaeyeon was looking her in the eye before declaring, “Well, if it gets serious, you gotta bring her around. We need to make sure she’s worthy to date you.”

“Oh, please.”

The mood was light, for now. And it eased Y/N’s nerves. She couldn’t help but think about the possibility of it turning sour, but now that all of them were getting back into the swing of things and catching up, it was easier to forget about the unsettling feeling. For once, she decided to let go of those doubts and just enjoy her time with them.

Some time passed and eventually all of them found themselves back in the living room. Jimin, Hoseok and Jungkook were in the corner, the former drinking slowly and at his own pace. He and Hoseok were in the midst of playing a racing game on the Nintendo Switch. It was cute, seeing how they had used a makeshift stand to hold up the Switch with two packed boxes stacked. Jungkook was distracted by them while searching for the next song to play on the bluetooth. Taehyung and Y/N were currently playing a game of Speed on top of the chest; Tae had been right, the others didn’t really want to play board games. So it was just the two of them for now.

Chaeyeon and Ryujin were chatting on the couch, Chae resting her head in Ryujin’s lap while the latter played with her hair. When Ryujin wasn’t arguing with someone, she could actually be quite sweet. Y/N heard Ryujin offer to braid her hair just as she beat Taehyung in the current round they were playing.

“Son of a- how do you always win?!”

“I was born with it,” Y/N beamed.

“Or you have no life and sit there practicing at home all day,” Taehyung practically spit, “Let’s go again!” As he shuffled the cards, Y/N’s eyes trailed to the other boys. Holding back a laugh, she could hear Hoseok’s quiet complaints, fully knowing how bad he was at the famous racing game. Every time they played, it was a miracle if he didn’t place 12th. And he would always have an excuse, saying it was the character he chose or the course they were racing. It wasn’t to her surprise when he screamed in anger, Jimin giggling while his face turned red. From the alcohol or the laughter, she wasn’t sure.

She smiled when Jimin cupped Hoseok’s shoulder, teasing, “Even when I’m a little tipsy, I can still kick your ass.”

“Hey! No, it was the course we were on! I’m not good at that course!” Y/N shook her head, knowing he was already going to come up with an excuse. Looking up at the loveseat, she froze at the sight of Jungkook watching her silently. He looked zoned out, and upon realizing her gaze on him his own widened with shock. Flustered, he snapped his eyes down to his phone and rapidly scrolled through it. For his sake, she didn’t question it just as Taehyung finished preparing the cards. 

“You know, now that I think about it, I think you’d suit Namjoon a lot actually.”

Y/N coughed, caught off guard by Taehyung’s words. Even though it threw her off, she was still rapidly slapping cards down as she tried to win the round. “Uh, no thanks. I’d rather not.”

“Oh come on. Is it because of my description of him? I swear he’s better than I could ever make him sound.”

“Tae, why are you trying so hard to set one of us up with this guy?” Chaeyeon asked, her attention on the card game at hand.

Taehyung shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, I was talking to him recently and it seems like he wants to get out and try dating. What kind of wingman would I be if I didn’t at least try to set him up with the greatest girls I know?”

“And who says you’re a great wingman? Just give it up, Tae. He’s probably single for a reason,” Ryujin scoffed, her attention mostly focused on braiding Chae’s hair.

“Oh shut up. You’re just salty I didn’t ask if you wanted to be set up with him,” Taehyung shot back. Y/N grew alarmed at the lack of cards left in his hand, organizing her cards in order so she could slap them down when the opportunity arose.

“As if I’d want to date one of your weird friends,” Ryujin scoffed.

“On second thought,” Y/N frowned, Taehyung’s attention directing toward Ryujin instead of the game, “You’d be better suited for Jin’s crazy ass. Actually, he’s not crazy. You are. He knows how to deal with craziness. His last girlfriend trashed his car when she thought he was lying about visiting family.”

“Again, I’ll handle my own love life, thank you very much.”

“Suit yourself,” Taehyung turned back to the card game, uttering, “Have fun dying old and alone.”

“Speed!” Y/N called out, grinning at Taehyung’s look of shock.

“Yo, you’re cheating or something. I only had two cards left!”

“How do you cheat at Speed? It’s a game of, well, speed. It’s not my fault you’re slow at putting your cards down!”

“Nah, nah, I don’t accept that victory-”

“What do you mean, you don’t accept it? I won. Plain and simple.”

“-and I want a rematch.”

“Enough!” Jimin exclaimed loudly, now standing beside their little setup after having passed his controller over to Jungkook. “I have a wonderful idea, one that doesn’t involve arguing over a stupid card game.”

“Hey! Don’t knock it until you try it,” Y/N exclaimed. He raised his hands in a fanning motion, as if to concede. 

“Let’s make margaritas!”

“That’s your wonderful idea?” Ryujin’s voice was drier than the Sahara desert. “I literally hang out with a bunch of nerds.”

“Says the girl who likes dressing up in a Lord of The Rings costume to binge-watch the series all alone,” Jimin responded calmly.

She gaped at him, before saying, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with being a nerd.”

“Yeah, exactly,” He told her in a mocking tone, before turning his attention to the remainder of his friends still paying attention, “Lucky for you guys, I bought all the ingredients to make them!”

“That sounds great, Jimin,” Y/N offered up, and he gave her a sweet smile.

“If you don’t mind, Chae, would you make them? You’ve perfected the skill,” He said, in that sweet way that makes it hard for anyone to say no.

“Is anyone else confused as to why she makes bomb margaritas but doesn’t drink whatsoever?” Taehyung asked as he set up the Connect Four game.

Just then, Ryujin finished braiding Chae’s hair, the latter expressing her thanks before turning to Taehyung and saying, “Coaches don’t play in the game, you know.”

“That’s a good point right there,” Jimin commended her, before leading her off to the kitchen. 

Ryujin sat down on the ground beside Y/N, getting comfortable and ready to watch the game. Noticing Hoseok and Jungkook had turned off the Switch, Y/N watched as Hoseok got comfortable on the couch behind her. Noticing her noticing him, he shot her a smile. 

“Actually, you can play, Ryu.” 

“Hold up, wait- I don’t want to play with Grouchy,” Taehyung interjected.

“Are you seriously calling me one of the seven dwarves?”

“No, I was calling you grouchy because you’re always in a bad mood. But, if we’re being technical, we all know I would be Snow White.”

“What are you even talking about…”

“Hey,” Y/N said, albeit a little too smitten as she sunk into the seat beside Hoseok.

“Hey,” he responded playfully, the two of them sharing a smile for a little too long before he asked, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling… really good. The night is going a lot smoother than I thought it would. It’s just like how it used to be and I… I don’t know, I really missed everyone.”

Hoseok looked somewhere off in the distance, his eyes shining with happiness. “Me too. I really did miss this. All issues aside, there’s a reason why we’re all so tight.”

“Exactly…And it makes me feel like,” She lowered her voice, “Those issues can definitely be worked through. I mean, these are our best friends. Even though all of us can butt heads, we’ve been able to withstand a lot of issues over the past two years.”

“I agree. We all have a lot of fire in us and a lot more love for each other to match. I’m sure the people who have issues with one another can take it day by day and work through it.”

For once, the doubtful thoughts didn’t creep in. Instead, she was filled with hope. 

How could she be filled with anything else, when the night had been going extremely well?

“Alright! Who wants one?” Chaeyeon called from the kitchen.

“Me!” Taehyung and Ryujin said simultaneously, Hoseok watching them with a fond smile. Before following after them to get his own cup, Hoseok rested his hand on her knee. He looked at her the way he always does when he wanted to kiss her, but instead he settled on the smile specially reserved for her. 

Kiss or not, they always knew exactly how much they adore each other.

It was a rarity, what she discovered with Hoseok. He was rare. It was why so many people were enamored by him, why everyone alike adored him. She felt extremely lucky to have been chosen by him, to get a closer look on what lies beneath the surface. What was even more miraculous was that he felt the same about her.

An hour or so passed and if possible, the night cooled down even more. Everyone seemed relaxed as they all kicked back and either nursed their drink or vibed with the music. Taehyung was in the midst of telling a grand story about how he believed he had already met the love of his life and happened to miss his chance, which is why he was single. He was the most sober guy Y/N knew but sometimes, his rambles sounded like that of a drunken man.

Ryujin threw her head back and groaned, effectively cutting him off. “Tae, come on. You can’t be serious.”

Unknowingly, his lip slightly jutted out, his frown mirroring a frustrated puppy. “I’m being dead serious. There’s no way I haven’t met her yet. Statistics show that you’ve met the love of your life before 21.”

“Show me those statistics,” Chaeyeon uttered. 

“Exactly,” Ryujin agreed, stretching her legs out before laying them across Y/N’s lap. “It’s just highly improbable.”

“Well, it’s my belief.”

“It’s a ridiculous belief.”

Taehyung rolled his eyes. “Everything’s ridiculous to you. That’s why you’re so miserable.”

“Says the single one.”

“You’re single too!”

“It’s a choice.”

“That what you tell yourself to help you sleep at night?”

A new voice interjected. “I believe it.” Everyone’s attention turned to Jimin, his soft voice successfully ending the bickering. “What Tae is saying.” He had been in the corner of the living room for the past forty five minutes, his back up against the wall beneath the shelves. His toy car rested right above his head, unseen by him. His legs were pulled up to his chest, one arm hugging his legs while his other hand dangled his beer. Jimin’s cheeks were rosy, eyes glazed and sad. Y/N’s chest constricted.

It seemed like everyone felt the same way about his words, Taehyung’s back straightening as he cleared his throat. He continued. 

“Think about it. You spend a lot of time around the same people. And if you don’t move away from where you grew up, then that fact is even more concrete.”

“There’s too many outliers,” Chaeyeon backed up Ryujin, “What if your soulmate lives on the other side of the world? What if they are a stranger you’ve only seen in passing, or they speak a different language? What if they’re older than you? What if they’re younger and you’ll meet them when it’s too late?”

“You also have to consider whether you’re a believer in fate. Because that changes the entire game,” Ryujin added.

“You guys are missing my theory. Keyword: my. It’s how I personally perceive the state of my life. Coincidence or not, fate or not, I truly feel like I’ve already met my soulmate. And either I know them but have no idea or I just completely missed my shot.”

Y/N attempted to comfort him. “Tae, you’re young. You shouldn’t be stressing over this. You have time-”

“That’s just it, Y/N. Every single person says they’re young until suddenly, they’re not. Then who knows? I might wake up one day having never found the love of my life.” 

He was genuinely worried about it. Taehyung had always been a romantic, happening to pay particular attention to the unrealistic aspects of life. But it rejuvenated Y/N, always reminded her to take a step back from the seriousness of life and simply dream. 

“Tae,” Hoseok’s caring tone held the worried guy’s attention, “Even if you have met her, it doesn’t mean you won’t get a chance to show her how incredible you are. Don’t forget it. Whoever she is, she’s going to be lucky to love you. And the same goes for you. I bet you’ll be lucky to have her. That’s love. And the thing about love is, it always comes at the most unlikely times. Don’t think too much about it. You have plenty of other things to fall in love with while you wait.”

Taehyung held his gaze for a few beats, before letting himself relax and nodding at his words. Y/N completely agreed with Hoseok’s words, and she knew that whoever was his future lucky someone, they would be utterly in love with the guy. Taehyung was a phenomenon. 

“You always know what to say, Hoseok. It baffles me that you’re single.”

Y/N was sure she was the only one who noticed how Hoseok slightly stiffened. His laugh was nervous but only to her ears. She forced herself to keep a steady facial expression.

Hoseok laughed for a little too long before settling on, “Ah, my time will come. I’m not worried.”

“I’m not worried either. The ladies love you. Actually, everyone loves you. If someone doesn’t, they can deal with me.”

Jungkook scoffed. “What are you gonna do?”

“Well, I-”

“He’s not going to do shit,” Jimin giggled, his words slightly slurring. 

“You guys have no faith in me,” Taehyung whined. It was nice to see the trio engaging in a friendly banter. 

Other topics arose and it seemed as though people's mouths became more loose with their drinks. All too quickly, it became a game of caution. Still, Y/N forced her worry from earlier to remain down. She didn’t want it dulling her mood. After all, there was still her, Hoseok and Chae to keep the peace. Y/N’s comfort was short-lived, however, because sometimes conflict can arise even in the least likely of places.

“How’s your dance class been going? The kids giving you a hard time?” Hoseok asked, his own drink starting to show its effects as he spoke a little too loudly for everyone’s close proximity. 

Ryujin sipped at her margarita before setting it down, humming in thought. “Not necessarily. I got lucky this semester. They’re really eager and listen well. And nothing discourages them. So no, they’re making it quite easy.”

“Can’t imagine it would be any easy to be taught by you,” Taehyung teased. But something about the look on Ryujin’s face had him detecting she didn’t like it. 

“Yeah, well, at least I know what I’m doing with my life.”

All traces of amusement dissipated from his face. With a few words, she had stunned him. And it left the air chilled between them. For an inexplicable reason, Y/N’s eyes trailed to Jimin. Though his eyelids were heavy, he looked put off by the comment. Her observations were right as he stood up slowly, muttering, “I’m getting a beer,” before disappearing into the kitchen. She assumed it was because he sensed what was coming.

“Ryu, that was uncalled for,” Chaeyeon tested out the waters. The waters measured dangerous.

“Yeah, and? He always has something to say.”

“Grow up,” Jungkook bluntly put out there. Ryujin didn’t like that either. And Y/N watched at the rapidly rising waves. 

“What did you say?”

“You heard me. Forbid anyone from criticizing you, let alone messing around with you.”

“I’m sorry,” Y/N held her breath at the girl’s hostile tone, recognizing the familiar defensive stance Ryujin was taking. Her gaze was scathing, but Jungkook was the most fireproof of them all. It was going to be a stalemate. “Who asked you what you think?”

“No one did. But last time I checked, we were all thinking about it.”

Ryujin spluttered, as if what she was hearing was total nonsense. “Quit acting like Taehyung’s lawyer. He can stand up for himself.”

Prior to her response, Jungkook had been aimlessly scrolling through his phone. For whatever reason, the lawyer comment set him off. Leaning his elbows on his knees, he rubbed at his face in frustration before turning his steel gaze to meet hers. As Y/N watched the scene unfold even further, she noticed Ryujin grew taken aback by his look. It wasn’t easy standing up against his intimidating nature. But she was the most hard-headed person Y/N had ever met; if anyone were to do it, it would be her. 

“Ryujin, have you ever considered taking a look in the mirror? You should be the last one judging Taehyung. In fact, you should be the last one judging any of us. Yet you’re the most judgmental one of us all.”

Ryujin faked a laugh, the air growing more icy. “Oh, that’s classic. Coming from Mr. ‘I’m better than everyone else’ and ‘I don’t feel anything ever’. You’re really one to talk.”

“Enough,” Taehyung said, too quiet for the two to hear. Even if they did, they ignored him.

“See what I mean? Instead of actually defending yourself with reason, you lash out. Kind of pathetic and immature if you ask me.”

“You’re such an asshole, Jungkook. News flash: no one cares if you’re brooding in the corner. In fact, why are you even here?”

“Enough,” still quiet, but Taehyung’s face was growing red as his eyes trained on the floor.

Jungkook was never one to show his irritation, but it was visible now as his eyes narrowed. He leaned in her direction, his voice stifled as if he were holding back. 

“Don’t forget that this is my place. Not yours. And if you want to continue to disrespect us- Oh wait, that’s right. That’s all you know how to do. Run your mouth-”

“Screw you-”

“Enough!” Taehyung’s outburst effectively put an end to their clash. His chest was heaving and upon looking closer, it seemed his eyes were glossy in the dim lighting. Before Y/N could observe further, he had jumped to his feet and stormed out of the room.

“Look what you’ve done. You’ve went and riled him up,” Ryujin hissed.

Jungkook could only look at her with disbelief before shaking his head. He ended with, “Never fail to disappoint.”

Hoseok’s hand rested on Y/N’s shoulder, sensing her unease. Looking at him, he reassured her with the slightest caressing of his thumb. It was palpable, the warmth beneath the layers of her clothes. It comforted her, so quickly it truly was magic.

Pulling his hand away, he whispered, “I’ll go check on him.”

She wanted to go herself, but she didn’t want to overwhelm him if they both went. So, she agreed. After he left, the people who remained were blanketed in tension. Jimin trudged his way back in the room, his boots clunking on the wooden floors before they found the rug. He paused in his steps, lazily scanning the remaining faces. As he stood there, he fished out his keys from his pockets to pop off the cap of his beer bottle. Y/N wondered if he had downed one in the kitchen.

“Where’s Tae?”

“Where do you think?” Ryujin snapped.

“Ryu, enough already. Stop picking fights,” Y/N said without much thought. A part of her regretted it, seeing as it stunned her friend into silence. She grew quiet, her short hair hiding her facial expression as she turned her attention to the ground. In the end, it had to be done.

Instead of finding his corner, Y/N was surprised and pleased when Jimin trudged over to her, plotting himself right on the floor in front of her legs. Pushing his back into them, he sighed before muttering, “Doesn’t take long, does it?”

“What?”

“For this place to come crashing down.”

“This place or these people?” Their eyes turned to Jungkook, who was listening in on their more-than-obvious conversation. Y/N’s thoughts from earlier snuck in, hovering around her as Jimin merely chuckled.

“The question of the year.”

“Maybe I should make more margaritas,” Chae was thinking out loud, usually not one for hostility. She despised it in fact, and tended to retreat when it began to unravel. But their earlier conversation rung in Y/N’s mind, how much her friends wanted things to work out. Maybe that’s what all of them wanted. Maybe it was too broken to achieve. It had only taken one thing to set off Ryujin, who set off Jungkook and overwhelmed Taehyung. Who knew who else would be dragged in as the night progressed?

Y/N felt the overwhelming urge then to leave. But Chae’s hope, Taehyung’s gratitude and Jimin’s hidden sadness told her to stay. 

“I’ll help,” was the only thing Ryujin said before stalking off to the kitchen.

“Good. Don’t want you around anyways,” Jungkook said underneath his breath, studying his cuticles in a kind of bored manner. He looked up, his face still irritated as he landed on Y/N’s disapproving look. Something in his face shifted then, softened into something like… shame. Fixing his face, he merely shrugged before looking away.

Jimin leaned his head back, his hair sprawling across Y/N’s lap and showcasing his face. His eyes were closed, his face peaceful. It gave her something to latch onto, to help her push through the doubts that were seizing her. 

“What are we going to do?” She didn’t mean to say it aloud, but her worry was outrunning her and she had to brace herself for impact. Jimin heard her loud and clear, blinking away the bleariness in his eyes. Sitting up for just a moment, he twisted around so he could look her in the eyes. For a moment, she had her Jimin back. 

“We just have to push through. There's a light at the end, right?”

Just like that, he was gone. Turning back around, he leaned his head back once more and closed his eyes. But not before his expression went from open to closed… just like a tragic book.

>>> FINAL PART <<<

[dancinginodessa]

better late than never

I do a survey every year on New Year’s. It’s currently February 5. We’re going to make it “in the new year” this time so I don’t break my fifteen-year streak, okay?

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?

Many things, some of them not suitable for a general audience. (I’ll tell you about Psych Bike when you’re older.) I went camping for the first time, which also means I set up a tent and slept outdoors for the first time. I had a surprise party for the first time, which is less something I did than something that was done for me. I was brave in new ways and drew new boundaries. I finished my first cross-stitching project. I broke my elbow. That last one actually sucked and I am not inclined to do it again.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My sole resolution is always to read a certain number of books in the coming year. After an intervention from my therapist back in 2018, I’ve kept that number at 52, and this year I again succeeded with 63 total. I would like to think I enjoyed them more and chose them with greater discretion because I wasn’t racing towards an impossible goalpost. 

I’m keeping my resolution. I’m also keeping the implicit sub-resolution, which is to continue finding ways to be kind to myself. We’ll see.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I don’t think so, which probably means I’ve forgotten an ENTIRE BABY. Sorry, baby!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My grandmother, in October. It was long and slow and agonizing and I miss her terribly.

5. What countries did you visit?

Does...does New Jersey count as a country? 

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

A better singing voice, which means I am going to have to keep singing. But it wasn’t until 2019 that I was brave enough to do karaoke at all, so maybe this is possible!

Also, a short story published somewhere. Hell, scratch that - a short story, finished.

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

October 6: my father’s stroke.

October 7: my grandmother’s death.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving. 

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not telling people what I needed; relatedly, pretending to myself that I didn’t have needs at all. No one benefits from that. It’s just a good way to cultivate resentment.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I broke my damn elbow while carrying La Croix and no one will ever let me live it down. Also got the sniffles a few times.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Opera tickets to The Queen of Spades, maybe. The jigsaw puzzle I gave Griffin for the holidays, not least because he got me a jigsaw puzzle too and the moment we realized what we’d done was so, so delightful. Honorable mentions: bus tickets, medication, this one really great sweater.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My mother. Me. Anyone on Twitter who made me laugh, especially Ashley Feinberg. The folks at One Story for being so kind when I left. My therapist.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My mother. Me. The entire administration. The rest of Twitter. 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, food, and alcohol, perhaps not in that order. If my parents ask: in that order.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The Fourth of July at the pirate ship; Psych Bike; karaoke night; any of a million things in this neighborhood, because this neighborhood now feels like home, and that’s the most exciting thing of all.

Also, Animal Crossing, though it got bumped until 2020 and I am only just hanging on.

16. What song will always remind you of 2019?

Among others, “The Bad Touch,” because it turns out I absolutely crush that one at karaoke night. Ditto “Truth Hurts.” 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Sadder, but how could I not be?

ii. thinner or fatter? Unclear (love 2 have dysmorphia), but I think I gained a few pounds.

iii. richer or poorer? Roughly the same, which is frankly an achievement.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sleeping. Writing. Asking for what I needed. Crocheting and cross-stitching and watching dumb TV. Kissing. Setting firm boundaries with someone in my industry who was harassing me, though that situation is (mostly?) resolved. Being brave - but I was already pretty brave.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Waiting for bad things to happen. They happen whether or not you expect them.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

My grandma is dead - did I mention? So Christmas was spent with my parents at our house, just the three of us. It was strange and sad but kind of wonderful, too. We are all figuring out how this family fits together now that there are fewer of us.

January 7: went to church, went to the Strand, went home and ate soup with Griffin because he was sick and I wanted to be with my buddy.

21. Did you fall in love in 2019?

Kept falling.

22. How many one-night stands?

Funny story! Funny story that I’m not going to put in writing.

23. What was your favourite TV program?

I didn’t watch much TV, but rewatching Parks and Rec has been great, even if some of it didn’t age super well. I’m also literally the last person on the internet to watch The Great British Baking Show and am 10000% on board.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No. I’m too tired.

25. What was the best book you read?

I have a whole list, and I could not possibly tell you my favorite favorite. However, a few contenders would be Disappearing Earth by Julia Phillips, Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb, Flights by Olga Tokarczuk, Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino, In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado, etc. etc. etc...

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I’m not sure I actually listened to much that would qualify as a discover and not an extension of my existing interests, but I did discover that music is beginning to bring me joy the way it did in college and which I had been sorely missing.

27. What did you want and get?

A diagnosis. It’s good to have the words for yourself.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

Lord. What even came out in 2019? I only just saw Parasite last weekend, here in 2020, but it counts, and I’m choosing that. Midsommar ruled too.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 28 and went to a nice dinner with my boyfriend that turned out to be a surprise party with my friends. It was great and I cried. 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

My grandmother.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?

Bisexuality™

32. What kept you sane?

Last year I said “In no particular order: therapy, my mom, crocheting, cross-stitching, the New York Times crossword, gummy worms, venting to Karen, coffee.”

And...that’s about right.

Shoutout to Xanax, though.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Ruby Tandoh, William Jackson Harper, Michael B. Jordan, Janelle Monae, the bear from MIdsommar (that last one is a joke)

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Everything, but especially family separation.

35. Who did you miss?

My parents, especially after the stroke. My grandmother, always. 

36. Who was the best new person you met?

The entire neighborhood crew. I am so lucky to have them.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019:

You can make it through more than you imagined.

[bisexualterror]

i was challegened by @queen-of-salt-and-fury to finish the entirety of the 🌼🌿botanical asks🌻🌙 thanks for the tag babe!!😘

jasmine; what mythical creature do you wish actually existed?

mmm,  i gotta go with dragons 😆

lavender; soundcloud or vinyls?

vinyls for sure

primrose; what book does everyone right now need to read?

hmm, i don’t know, i read more fanfiction than i do books

lunar mist; do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets?

yeah, but i don’t do it very often

bird of paradise; what was the best thing that happened to you this month?

i updated my fanfic not too long ago and my reader's comments were really so sweet

gardenia; what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself?

to stop being so hard on myself 

lion’s fairytale; would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests?

 i’m curious about the ocean and what secrets it hides so probably the ocean

whirling butterflies; would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

i was so young i don’t even remember who it was beside the fact it was probably a childhood friend and definitely a girl. so.. no i probably wouldn’t

marmalade skies; do you plan your outfits?

depends on how early i have to wake up on that day and where i’m going. otherwise? nope.

apricot drift; how do you feel right now?

excited

everlasting daisy; what’s the last dream you remember having?

uhm i was living in an underground, scientist lab that kinda looked like my basement but bigger. first i was studying a space parasite and then the next i knew i about to bang Ares from Xena but then i got distracted by daenerys running past us, chasing after baby viserion. my alarm woke me up before it got better.

queen’s cup; what are you craving right now?

rasberry chocolate

lavender dream; turn ons/offs?

same here, intelligence is a big turn on. my turn off would probably be just anyone who is a dick.

water lilly; when was the last time you cried? why?

mm i was probably last month, it was either about dany or another character because i rarely cry about anything else these days 😅

lily of the valley; did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?

mm, not really. it didn’t come off as an apology to me, more like an excuse.

winterberry; do you bite or lick your ice cream?

lick

honey perfume; favorite movie ever?

mmm, that’s a hard one, oof. uhm, i guess i’d say the princess bride

desert rose; do you like yourself?

eeeh depends on the day, but i’m trying to be better

snapdragon; have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity?

sjskksk i don’t go out in the world, so no

night owl; how many countries have you visited?

i have sadly only seen america and not even that much of my own country

heliotrope; have you ever been in a castle?

nope never. hmu if you own a castle and want me to haunt it tho

creams and sky; what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done?

i’m a coward. no joke. does helping my mom get her life a little bit better count a brave thing?? 

lantana; what’s on your mind right now?

the list of things i should be doing. spoiler: i am not doing them today.

pumpkin patch; what’s your zodiac sign?

capricorn bby

tulip; name 5 facts about yourself 

i have visual snow 

i’m obsessed with cinnamon

my hands are always freezing cold

i love baking

daphne; do you believe in karma?

yeh, kind of

queen of the meadow; ever been in love?

i have confessed my love to many people before, but i don’t think i really was in love with them if only because of how young i was was

wisteria; whom do you admire and why?

i agree that i do admire celebrities who use their fame to help others. 

angel’s face; what was your favorite bedtime story as a child?

i don’t remember anyone read me a bedtime story, but if someone did, it was probably also a bible story

remember me; did you make someone laugh today?

yes. my mom and a friend.

iris; do you believe in ghosts?

sometimes i think it’s bullshit, other times i’m like 👀👀

lilac; if you could go back in time which time period would you visit? 

lol, as a black woman, this question is always so hard because - racism and sexism. i guess i’d go with 1920′s 

caramel kisses; would you want to live forever? why/why not?

yeah, i’m down. i wanna go live on a different planet one day, or at least visit one. and who the fuck knows what kind of crazy shit we humans will have invented by then. and the humor? god our humor is weird and hard to explain now, imagine what it’s gonna be like in a 100 years now. 

primula; what makes you sad?

now we don’t have time to unpack all of that. off the top of my head though, it’s sad that so many people choose to be cruel instead of kind and half of those cruel people are in power over entire countries.

rain lily; was today typical? why/why not?

yeah. i just stayed home. took care of my mom. wrote some.

queen anne’s lace; who do you trust the most?

oof..no one. i know it’s pathetic but,,, i don’t have friends in real life right now and i have a complicated relationship with my family. so no one really.

lady’s slipper; what did you have for breakfast today?

cereal and toast with strawberry jam

forget me not; do you have any regrets looking back in your life?

a lot. i wish i had focused more on bettering my life than distracting myself. i also wish i had been a nicer kid online and hadn’t isolated myself from childhood friends who kept trying to be my friend. trying to make up for it now.

lunaria; what’s your favorite fictional universe?

it’s between harry potter or doctor who

violet; favorite tv show?

im obsessing over the witcher and the mandalorian right now, it’s my raging daddy issues coming into play 

sunflower; share a favorite quote

“I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.” ― Sarah Williams

snowdrop; what does your ideal day look like?

waking up. reading. showering. eating. taking care of my mom. writing. going for walks.

tiger lily; do you have any hobbies?

painting, writing, drawing

peony; share a small random book passage that means something to you

“I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.” ― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

rose; what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared?

get a tattoo

honeysuckle; do you usually date people your age or older/younger?

FUN FACT: i have never dated anyone ever. unless you count that one time i had an online boyfriend.

sweet pea; who means the world to you? why?

my online longest online friend, she was the first person i came out to and even tho we don’t talk much anymore i love her and tell her pretty much everything

love in the mist; best books you’ve ever read?

i cannot choose?? how do you choose??

foxglove; who is your favorite cartoon character?

it’s between batman and lisa simpson

magnolia; coffee or tea?

both, but i drink coffee more

crown imperial; would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved?

on one hand, i need more money, on the other hand i’m an attention whore...hmmmm i gotta go with loved

snowflake; are you a dog or a cat person?

cats

bell flower; what is your biggest addiction?

reading fanfic and creating ocs for every fandom i’m in

cosmos; do you ever think about the galaxy?

fuck yeah!

moonflower; what’s your favorite color?

green or purple. or gold. or red. but mainly purple.

freesia; do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not?

not really. my dad lives barely an hour away from me but i haven’t seen him in years and only hear from him maybe two times a month. enough said.

my mom and i are better than we were before but i’m bisexual and still in the closet and everyone in my family is very homophobic and set in their Ways, so that could change. 

both of my siblings are half-siblings. my older sister i haven’t seen in since we were kids or talked to her in years and while i could continue to blame that on our family...she’s older than me and has a car.  i’m closer to my brother because we live together he’s almost ten years older than me so we’re not super close

sundrop; are you a morning or a night person?

night person

poppy; have you ever dealt with a mental illness?

yes. my mom.

clover; how would your friends describe you?

idk, clingy?? sksksk probably sweet.

dandelion; do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert?

introvert

lilly; what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do?

fanfic. the thing is, even if i’m embarrassed i’ll probably randomly tell you anyway 

anemone; describe yourself in 3 words

tired

horny

smiley

lotus; best memory as a child?

pretending to be a naruto style ninja with my brother

angelonia; what is your eye and hair color?

brown eyes. black hair.

dahlia; do you like crystals?

yesss

 buttercup; if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?

but.. but i have so many. i know it sounds cliche, but world hunger.

baby’s breath; what’s your hogwarts house?

i can’t remember the first house i got, but all i remember is getting so upset with my result that i ended up retaking it just so i can be in slytherin. 

calendula; biggest pet peeve?

people who talk over me, or people who are just so set in their ways that they’re unwilling to listen to reason

blanker flower; would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet?

i’d prefer the second one, but what about a third option, i could invite some friends over to watch a movie and we could drink together while cuddling with pets

blazing star; share a secret

i had bad habit of pretending to be someone i’m not so that people will like me and so sometimes i worry that i’m still doing it and i’m just a fake person who doesn’t have their own opinion

carnation; would you rather live longer or happier?

happier

petunia; who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? 

a long list of fictional characters

bluebell; do you wear glasses?

yes. yes i do.

nymphea; forest or river?

forest

orchid; do you like exercise?

nope, which is why i’m overweight lmao

pansy; do you like poetry?

yeah!

morning glory; any special talent that you have?

i can pick up things with my toes sksksk uhm that was true but i guess i’m good at making people smile(✿◕‿◕✿)

i tag @mutantsandproud and anyone else who wants to join!!

[hangeladavis]

A Gift For You On My 30th Birthday

IT’S MY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

This is an accurate portrayal of how I felt this morning when I woke up! 30!!!! WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!! I have lots of feels so I made a playlist. Naturally. So here are 30 songs (+1 for good luck) that I love and a little bit about them.

Knockin on Heaven’s Door by Bob Dylan - My mom says that this is the first song that came on the radio when we left the hospital. Imagining that it’s the first song I heard is nice.

I Love Your Smile by Shanice - When I was a baby child, this was my song! Every night when my dad got home from work and walked into our apartment in Queens I would run to him and ask him to play my song and I would sing it. HARD! Mind you I was like 2 or 3 but it didn’t matter.

Fly Like An Eagle by Seal - Can we talk about the Space Jam soundtrack!? It was vibe to my 6 or 7 year old self and it still goes! I feel like this album was the first time I really heard music. And felt it.

I Wanna Be Down by Brandy - Ok so my dad got those Columbia House cds for 1c or whatever and the first one he gave me was Brandy’s self titled album. You couldn’t tell me nothing!!! Hairbrush karaoke on a million!

Bills, Bills, Bills by Destiny’s Child - When “Writings on the Wall” came out, I really tried to convince my friends to do a backyard performance with choreography and everything. They said no but it was then at 9 that I knew I wanted to be an artist, a director specifically.

We Can’t Be Friends by Deborah Cox - Another in the Columbia House cd collection, I played this album out and knew every word. I played it last summer after not listening to it for at least 15 years and still knew every word and every riff.

My All by Mariah Carey - “I’d give my all/ To have/ Just one more night with you” I had no real context for what I was singing but I used to sing this song so hard! I miss classic Mariah.

Kick Your Game by TLC - That Crazy, Sexy, Cool album was so classic and it was hard to pick one song but this was my jam!

I’ll Be There by The Jackson 5 - Now that I am older I question if I really want someone to be there with that much fervor after a breakup but when baby MJ sings “just look over your shoulders honey, oooh!” I feel it in my soul!

Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson - This song sends me. From the very beginning, to the beat drop. And when she grabs the phone from him and tells his baby “He’s not coming back/because he’s sleeping with me!” thats a moment. No one wants to be on the receiving end of that call but Diana gets what she wants.

That’s The Way Love Goes - JANET! Queen of the Whisper Sing! Duchess of Tight Choreo! I was way too young to be singing this song but I blame my dad. It’s a sexy jam and I don’t regret it.

Are You That Somebody by Aaliyah - When I was 10, some friends and I danced to this song at our elementary school. My mom choreographed it, we got matching outfits and we performed it. Another group of girls (who were admittedly more popular) danced to “Maria, Maria” and they wore matching cowboy hats. Naturally, there was a showdown on the playground over who was better. Naturally.

Just a Friend 2002 by Mario - Westbury Middle School! It was the best of times and the worst of times. Mainly the worst of times cuz middle school is hellish and there is nothing you could do to make me want to relive those years. But one of the sweet moments was getting a mixed cd from this boy that had a crush on me and this was the first song. Swoon It worked. We dated for a while. It was cute.

My Life, My Love, My All by Kirk Franklin - This is the first song I ever choreographed and it changed my life. I was 10 years old. I showed my mother the choreo and she said teach me. It was in that moment that she validated my artistry. That’s why can’t nobody tell me nothing. I have been doing this for 20 years!

Healing by Richard Smallwood - My mother choreographed this piece for the church dance ministry, Choresis, at Memorial Presbyterian Church in Roosevelt, NY. It was one of their most popular pieces and it gave my mother the outlet she needed to dive headfirst into her artistry. I learned how to lead, facilitate and hold healing arts-centered space from my mother and the women she danced with. Their labor made me possible.

Air Force Ones by Nelly - Back to Westbury Middle School, this song is to honor the Air Force 1s wearing preteen I was. Ooh girl…

Ready For Love by India.Arie - When this song came out I thought I knew what it meant and sang it as such. Girl. Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl… 15+ years later and the only thing I know is that I don’t know very much at all. Also this song is very hetero and I am indeed very queer. lol

I’ll Write A Song For You by Earth, Wind & Fire - Family road trips were not complete without this song. We still sing this song like it’s our job. I knew we were getting older when my brother Jordan couldn't hit the high notes.

As by Stevie Wonder - This song. Whew. When I was 10, my mother and I were asked to dance to this song at the funeral of a baby that died. We did and afterwards I was tore up. I kept thinking about my baby brother, Aaron, who has just been born and how I would feel if he died. I didn’t listen to this song for years. Until I really listened to the words and thought about a love that transcends space and time. This song inspired me to write a musical based on Stevie Wonder’s music. And it is my favorite song by my favorite singer.

Breathe from In The Heights Musical - Fast forward, my senior year of college my parents gave me tickets for In The Heights for Christmas. My best friend Lana and I sat in the second to last row in this Broadway house and when this song started I wept. I mean completely lost it. Because she was singing my story. I was flunking out of college my senior year and hadn’t told my parents. I had been a top student in high school and graduated #5 in my class. But I didn’t have words to name my anxiety, depression and fear that I had no idea what to do with my life after school. “And what will my parent say?/Can I go in there and say/"I know that I'm letting you down” This song still makes me cry.

I’m Here from The Color Purple Musical - I’ll let the song speak for itself. “I believe I have inside of me /Everything that I need to live a bountiful life/And all the love alive in me/I'll stand as tall as the tallest tree/And I'm thankful for every day that I'm given/Both the easy and hard ones I'm livin'/But most of all, I'm thankful for/Lovin' who I really am

Back That Azz Up - Ha! This is my favorite transition. This song is for my undergrad club days at A&T and the Blu&White fam.

Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey - But I don’t actually club for real because I am a grandma that missed my era. I could dance to disco all night actually.

Seasons of Love from RENT Musical - What can I say? I’m a theatre kid. This is for A&T’s theatre department that taught me so much and made me so much of who and how I am as an artist. And Rest in Peace to the mother of our theatre department, Frankie Day.

Screens by Zoocrü featuring Al Strong - In 2016, I met a woman named Margaret A. Brunson who changed my life. (She has that effect on everyone) The first time we hung out she took me to an Kickstarter kickoff party for a band named Zoocrü. I had never heard of them before but as soon as they started playing I was like Who are these boys? I offered my administrative assistance for their campaign and it turned into more than I ever imagined. That offer is what pushed me into consulting and it’s been a joy to work with artists and creatives. I am grateful that our paths crossed.

Sunday Candy by Donnie Trumpet - My grandmother, my Nanny, Evelyne Marie Laisure Marshall passed away on September 29, 2017. Her living made me possible and her passing changed my life. I talk about grandmas so much because I dont know who I would be without her love. I miss her so much but I find her everywhere; in my red fingernail polish, in my card shuffling, in my baking, in my political analysis, in my care. And yes, in the candy dish in my living room.

F.U.B.U. by Solange - Last year I created a show called “Buy My Soul And Call It Art”. I had no idea what I was doing but my Nanny had passed and my cousin Michael had passed and the Universe was telling me to “do it scared”. This song was featured in the piece because I never wanted anyone to forget who this is for, who this is centering. “All my niggas in the whole wide world…”

I Want You by Erykah Badu - The second show in the trilogy is “Buy My Body And Call It A Ticket” and that show almost killed me. I had to go somewhere deep inside myself and that place is dark and scary and I wasn’t sure that I was gonna make it out. But I did. And what brought me back was this. “I want you.” I want my body. I want my life. I want my love. I want myself.

I Need You To Survive by Hezekiah Walker - Show number 3 (which will be rebooted) is “Buy My Art And Call It Holy”. Though I don’t consider myself a Christian, I cannot separate myself from my Christian upbringing and this is one of my favorite songs. When I sing it I am singing it out to my people. I am singing to you. “I need you/ You need me/We’re all apart of one body”

Never Would Have Made It by Marvin Sapp - Yall there have been times when I wasnt sure if I was gonna make it to 30. Seriously. Depression and anxiety is real. Sometimes it zaps the desire to be right out of me. But I am here. And I am so grateful. Here’s to another day, another week, month, year, decade!

Crazy, Classic, Life by Janelle Monae - Did ya’ll think there wouldnt be some Janelle Monae on here!?! This is my theme song! Let’s ride this thing til the wheels fall off!

[monaedroid]

Part Zero: An Introduction

Janelle Monáe is sitting on her throne. This is true in a figurative sense, of course. “If she the G.O.A.T. now, would anybody doubt it?” she asks on “Django Jane,” the boastful, rap-heavy song that served as one of the introductions to her latest album Dirty Computer. But Monáe is on a literal throne as well: sitting in Complex’s Studio 3 on a regal chair that mirrors the one in her “Django Jane” video (or at least as close as our hard-working video team could find on a few days’ notice).

Monáe is here to discuss Dirty Computer, the album and accompanying 48-minute “emotion picture” that is her response to a troubled world. Rather than couching her ideas in 28th century science-fiction garb, as she has before, Monáe brought her concerns to the present (or, in the emotion picture, to the near-future of the 2090s). She wanted to let her listeners know that what she calls “dirty computers”—people who are made to feel like integral parts of their being are bugs and viruses—can band together, find love, and fight back.

Dirty Computer is, Monáe says, broken up into three sections. The initial handful of songs make up the Reckoning (“This is how I’m viewed. I’m a ‘dirty computer,’ it’s clear. I’m going to be pushed to the margins, outside margins, of the world,” she told the New York Times). The middle section is the Celebration (“It’s like, O.K., these are the cards I’ve been dealt”). At the very end, there’s Reclamation—that is, reclamation of American identity. It’s a realization that, as the album’s final track has it, “I’m not crazy, baby/I’m American.” Appropriately enough, those are the themes we stuck to in our interview. But first, we talked a little bit about the album more broadly, her experiences living in Complex’s home base of New York City, and how a silent film from 90 years ago started everything.

This interview has been edited for clarity and length.

I want to hold up a quote and I was hoping you could read it to me. “There can be no understanding between the hands and the brain unless the heart acts as the mediator.” That’s from Fritz Lang’s 1927 German Expressionist film Metropolis.

What does that line mean to you? The film inspired pretty much all of my work and it inspired me to want to be the heart, to be the mediator between the mind and the hands; the high class [and] the low class; the have-nots and the haves; and use music to bridge that gap and to bring us together.

Since you’re in New York City, I wanted to jump back to when you lived here. You were in school in the city for about a year and a half studying musical theater. How did that training prepare you for what you’re doing now, which is essentially putting out a new musical with every album? 

I enjoyed all of my time at the American Musical and Dramatics Academy. I grew up acting and singing and writing and going to after-school Shakespearean programs. It was my dream to come to New York, and I’m so happy I did. I learned so much about reading music, and dance and technique, in terms of acting and my delivery as a performer. It also let me know that I did not want to tell other people’s stories. I had a story to tell.

One of the tricky things conceptually about Dirty Computer the emotion picture and the album is that in some ways, it’s a prequel to your earlier work. What was challenging or surprising about writing a prequel? I had the concept and the title of Dirty Computer before I released [her 2010 debut album] The ArchAndroid, so the albums are connected. It is sort of a prelude and there are little Easter eggs in the visual. If you watch the Dirty Computer piece online, you’ll see Mary Apple [played by Tessa Thompson]. I have a song on The ArchAndroid called “Mushrooms and Roses” that talks about a character named [Blueberry] Mary, and she shares DNA with this Mary Apple. It’s all related. It’s connected.

Part I: Reckoning

As Monáe mentioned, the concept of the “dirty computer” is one she’s been thinking about for a while. The idea became all the more relevant in recent years, as forces of hate, prejudice, and division gained power across the world. The 2016 election, in the singer’s words, “sped up” the release of her album. An artist ever-focused on life centuries from now was dragged by circumstance back to today.

When talking about Dirty Computer, you’ve said, “Those of us who live in the future are sometimes needed in the present.” So much of your work has been focused on the future. What do you think being so focused on that in your creative life helped you express when you came back to the present? What did you see that other people might not have? One of the things that’s important is that I’m aware of what’s going on now. I did have the tendency to always think about what the next project was or what else I can do. It’s like, “No, we have to pay attention to what’s happening here, right now.” I like to go where I’m needed. I wanted to celebrate the marginalized, and those folks that I felt needed the most amplification of their voices because they were not being heard.

I’ve read three or four different supposed inspirations for a lyric in “Screwed”: Everything is sex/ Except sex, which is power.” So I wanted to ask the source. Where did that line come from? That particular quote was inspired by Oscar Wilde. [Ed. note: The quote “Everything in human life is really about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” is attributed apocryphally to Wilde] I put my spin on it because I wanted to support what it was that I was trying to get across: “You fuck the world up now, we’ll fuck it all back down.’ I just thought it was a clever wordplay.

I read that line, “You fuck the world up now, we’ll fuck it all back down,” was something you said in the heat of the moment maybe seven or eight years ago, and filed away? It did start with something that I just said casually. It was a reaction to my bus being dirty. The whole band and crew, we were all sharing one tour bus. I hate to say this, but I was on the bus with a lot of men. I’m not gonna say all men are dirty, but I will say that the guys I was on a bus with, and I love them dearly, they were just living la vida loca.

I came on the bus, and if you know me, you know I cannot sleep in a dirty space. It just overcrowds my mind. I only wear black and white, for crying out loud. Maybe it’s an OCD thing, I don’t know. I just came on the bus and I saw banana peels and underwear and it was crazy. I said, “You know what? Whoever fucked this bus up, y’all better fuck it right back down.” They laugh at me to this day when they think about me coming on that bus and saying that and seeing how serious I was, and I didn’t even realize what it meant. It’s something that we laugh about all the time, and I felt like it applied to our current state of affairs.

I SAID, ‘YOU KNOW WHAT? WHOEVER FUCKED THIS BUS UP, Y’ALL BETTER FUCK IT RIGHT BACK DOWN.’

One of the things in the emotion picture that grabbed me was the use of drones as the first line of law enforcement. Can you talk a little bit about why they play that role in the movie? Dirty Computer is near-future. Right now, we are dealing with drones. I was in a hotel recently and I saw a drone hovering over my window. It was really, really scary because I had never experienced it. Then I saw drones when I was at a plaza. I saw them going over the plaza, and I was just like, “What is going on?”

It’s a question that we have to ask ourselves around surveillance as a form of oppression, or surveillance also as a form of protection. Is it good? Is it evil? Is it invading privacy? It’s something that I have not fully settled on yet. I’m still forming my opinion on it.

Part II: Celebration

Dirty Computer is not by any means solely, or even mostly, a somber meditation on the ills of today. It is a frequently joyous record, particularly in the middle “Celebration” section. This is borne out in Monáe’s live shows, where she, her band, and a slew of backup dancers turn an arena into what the singer frequently calls “the church of the Dirty Computer.” The show not only runs through much of Monáe’s catalog, it also pays tribute in ways both overt and subtle to the history of black music in the 20th century, from Cab Calloway to James Brown to Michael Jackson to Monáe’s mentor Prince.

You were in a dark space when writing this record. How did you make an album that is so celebratory and hopeful? Well I would say that some of it is dark. I wouldn’t say that everything is. I think darkness is important so that you can appreciate the light. Balancing all things is something that I live by.

As much as this album is about me, I wrote it during the Obama era and then things changed [laughs], and I felt like I needed to create a sense of community for folks in these marginalized groups. At the concerts, when they listen to the music, I want them to feel proud and celebrated and seen and heard.

When you were making this album, you said, “I had to really think about who I wanted to celebrate and who I was okay with pissing off.” I chose to focus my energy and my time on celebrating the folks that I felt needed it most. Just to name a few: my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQIA community, black women, minorities, immigrants, lower class, working-class folks like my parents who worked as janitors and post office workers and trashmen. I wanted to focus on celebrating those voices that are not represented in the media as much as I’d like. I wanted to figure out how I could create a community and a safe space for us because honestly, when I take off my makeup, I take off my clothes as an artist and the performer Janelle Monáe, I fall into those groups. That’s my reality and that’s how I grew up, and I want to protect us.

One of the first voices you hear on the album is Brian Wilson. Why have him sing harmony on the title track? What relationship does that song have to the Beach Boys, and to “In My Room” specifically? I’m a huge Beach Boys fan. I remember listening to “In My Room” and loving the tone of their voices, and then seeing this documentary where they talk about the reason why their harmonies were so soft and low was because they were trying to hide recording from their parents in the house.

When I was writing “Dirty Computer,” I knew that this was an introspective song and I wanted you to really be in the mind of a Dirty Computer, me—what it meant to be, for the first time, reckoning with how the rest of society views you. I felt like his voice was going to be perfect to help tell that story.

“Celebration” is the middle section of the album, and I wanted to talk about some of the people you celebrate artistically. When you perform, you do a mashup of “Make Me Feel” and James Brown’s “I Got The Feelin’.” Can you talk about why you connected those two songs and what James Brown means to you as a performer and as a dancer? As a performer, James Brown is one of my favorites. I studied him and his movement. When I was making “Make Me Feel,” I could feel his presence when I started to perform it. It wasn’t until I started to perform that I started to connect the two and it just had a groove. It was like me and James were talking to each other, going back and forth through dance. I wanted to make sure that when you came to a live show, you saw us having that conversation.

This past weekend, I went to see a documentary about Betty Davis, who meets anyone’s definition of a free-ass motherfucker. Do you feel any connection to Betty? I love Betty Davis. She’s free, and she’s one of the godmothers of redefining how black women in music can be viewed. I respect her a lot and she’s opened up a lot of doors for artists like myself.

The “Pynk” video’s now-famous pants were originally inspired by David Bowie’s Aladdin Sane-era bodysuit. And there are a couple of characters in the emotion picture who have Bowie-inspired looks. I was hoping you could talk a little bit about David Bowie—his look and his music. David Bowie is, as an artist, so interesting to me. The world that he built out inspired me to build out my own world, as well. It let me know that I didn’t just have to be a singer. I didn’t just have to be an actor. I could mesh both mediums and tell stories.

You can tell stories through fashion, and I just wanted to tell the story of—some people call them labia pants, some people call them vagina pants, some people call them flowers—but I wanted to celebrate women. There are some women in the “Pynk” video that don’t have on the pants, because I don’t think that you have to possess a vagina or a labia to be a woman. We tried to think about that and be sensitive to it, and I think that Bowie has inspired not just me, but so many artists with his work and with his vision.

THERE ARE SOME WOMEN IN THE “PYNK” VIDEO THAT DON’T HAVE ON THE PANTS, BECAUSE I DON’T THINK THAT YOU HAVE TO POSSESS A VAGINA OR A LABIA TO BE A WOMAN.

The Stevie Wonder interlude “Stevie’s Dream” is a brief but very important part of the record. Do you think that with this album you’ve succeeded in doing what he asks in that segment, which is to express anger using words of love? Do you think that’s even possible? Stevie Wonder is not only my musical hero, but he’s like a godfather to me. I started out writing [the album] during the Obama era and then things just changed, and I had to be honest to where I was mentally after November 2016. I was just very angry. I was angry for a lot of different reasons, because I love this country like so many.

I went to go talk to him, and this is a man who got Dr. King’s birthday to be a national holiday. He has been on the front lines. He has done so much behind-the-scenes work. He spoke to me and he just wanted to remind me that I needed to be patient, that we needed to be patient and we didn’t need to give up hope. But it was important for me to lead with love. It’s a difficult thing. It’s difficult. I’m working on it. I don’t know if I’ve mastered it, but I’m working on it. I’m a work in progress, and I think it’s great advice.

There are lots of great vocal moments on the album. One that stands out for me is the final chorus of “So Afraid,” where you go up an octave and it sounds impassioned and strained. Can you tell me about recording that moment? “So Afraid” was a song I wrote when I was on the way to the dentist. I had a throbbing toothache and I had just taken some Advil and I had driven myself to an emergency dentist appointment. I had my voice memo by me and at every stoplight, I would just record different melodic ideas and I would record myself talking about things I was afraid of, my fears at that moment.

Then when I got to go sit down in my dentist’s chair, my dentist was taking too long—and I love my dentist, shout-out to him, he’s amazing. I had my mouth [held] open, and I was singing the chorus like, [sings with mouth open] “Ah ah ah ah ah.”

I just remember wanting that voice memo of me sounding like that to be on the actual song. So I ran to the studio afterwards. I called Nate Wonder and I told him, “This is how I want the song to be produced. I want to make sure that the thing you pay attention to most is my voice, and the fear that you hear in my voice and the yearning. I don’t want to sing it too high starting out. I want the first verse, first chorus, second verse, second chorus, I want all of that to be low, like an octave lower than what I would normally sing. And then when I just can’t take all of the fears that I’m experiencing, when I’m about to blow up, literally—because I’ve had moments like that—I want that octave up to represent an explosion.”

Part III: Reclamation

“Don’t try to take my country,” goes the chorus of the Dirty Computer closer “Americans.” “I will defend my land.” It’s a line that has roots in one of the song’s initial incarnations, from the point of view of a white male Southerner who is confused and upset by all of the dirty computers around him.

But in its present incarnation, in the album’s “Reclamation” section, it represents something else as well. It’s the determination of Monáe not to give up on her homeland, despite its often-vicious treatment of the people she holds dear. “Love me, baby,” she pleads. “Love me for who I am.”

In “Django Jane,” you talk admiringly about black artists like James Baldwin and Josephine Baker and Saul Williams who “fled to Paris.” At the end of the album, you make a different choice. You say, “I will defend my land.” What made you decide to end the record on that proclamation? Why is it important to be American? “Americans” is in the Reclamation section of the album. The Reclamation is about reclaiming what is ours. My ancestors helped build the White House. We helped build so much [with] our blood, sweat, and tears. These are my ancestors, people like my grandmother and great-grandmother. I wanted it to be clear that we have no intentions of running as Dirty Computers, but staying right here and reclaiming what’s ours.

That song originally had a different spin on it. Can you tell me about “Southern Man?” I wrote like three different iterations of “Americans.” One of them was called “Southern Man.” I live in Atlanta, Georgia, and it was inspired by some of the Southern white men that I encountered. They really felt like they were superior and this was their country, and we were just here. I was trying to speak from their perspective in hopes that when they listen to how they sound, they would realize that in fact, it was very divisive and, quite frankly, stupid.

Is there any of that left in the version we hear? Yes, there are lyrics that I left from “Southern Man” in “Americans.” I wanted to make it more inclusive with the different perspectives—you have the folks who are just clinging to their guns, clinging to their bibles, using their bibles as a whip, believing in superstition. You have so many different kinds of Americans and I was trying to make it as inclusive as possible.

The final words of the album are, “Please sign your name on the dotted line.” Can you give us any insight on that? The lyric can mean a couple things. It’s like, “I’ve expressed to you as an American from my perspective the things that are going on. Are you ready to commit yourself to this country? Are you ready to come over here and really be a citizen at this moment in time?” It also could mean a continuation of what is to come for Americans in the future.

Do you have a message for all the Dirty Computers of the world, for the people who are made to feel defective? My message to Dirty Computers who are made to feel defective, to feel like they’re bugs and they’re viruses, are negatives and need to be deleted and need to be reprogrammed, is to know that there’s nothing wrong with you. Your features are your bugs and your viruses. They’re attributes. They add value to this society, to this country, to your communities. Continue to lead with love. I hope that with this album and with this emotion picture, you feel more seen, you feel more heard, you feel more celebrated—and continue to be free-ass motherfuckers.