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twig-tea · 2 months ago

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TOL RomCom Rewatch catch-up: Eps 1-6

As folks may have noticed, I’ve been pretty absent from tumblr the last few weeks. I started the TOL Romcom Rewatch and then was unable to bring myself to write except that one infodump re Dear Dakanda for ep1. But this week was ep6, the point at which we flip (foreshadowing to the next film) to Khai’s perspective, and I wanted to write now, because I’m excited to see whether the way the parallels in the show and the films we watch will feel the same through the perspective flip, or whether this will end up being specific to Third’s POV and Khai's section will feel different.

My thesis for the first half of this series is: Third is terrible at watching films. I know, it’s not a hot take so much as stating the obvious. Pretty sure at this point all of the other romcom rewatch buds have said the same thing over the last several weeks, and I’ll link out to them when I get into the relevant sections. But the more nuanced point I want to make is that: while Third takes a very literal and surface interpretation to these films, often identifying in ways that perpetuate his poor communication habits and validate his dramatics, these films actually have messages in them that he needs to hear, and if he could watch these films with a more mature lens, he would actually find the lessons he needed in them. In other words, I blame Third on Third, not on the films he was watching. That being said, this post is already late enough, so this is going to be less structured than I usually like.

Week 1: Dear Dakanda

Week 1’s film was Dear Dakanda, which I did already write about a bit as a reblog to @lurkingshan's week 1 post. I like @solitaryandwandering framing Third and Mhoo as an unreliable narrator in their post. Like Shan wrote initially, Third definitely romanticized Mhoo/Khaoyai and did not realize that if he had said anything, maybe things could have been different. He certainly didn’t realize how Mhoo treated Dakanda like an ideal rather than a person. Like @neuroticbookworm said in her post, Third is treated badly by Khai because Third lets Khai treat him that way. He does things for Khai that Khai had already accepted a ‘no’ from him for. @bengiyo noted that Mhoo’s hesitance to confess is less understandable to him than Third’s, due to the additional lens of queerness that the show implies without ever committing to.

And what I keep thinking about is Nui modeled a different route. She didn’t pine for ages, she confessed pretty quickly to Mhoo, and it worked–he gave up on Dakanda without even giving her agency in the decision (as Megan also pointed out in their post). Nui is not a perfect protagonist or model either, but Third would have been better served modelling his behaviour after Nui than Mhoo (something I note @impala124 speculated about in their post too).

Week 2: Love Actually

In Week 2, Megan wrote an excellent and frankly cathartic post about why Love Actually sucks, actually. And Shan wrote a great post talking about how Third modelled his confession after a confession in the film that was doomed by design . Impala noted that even in his fantasies, Third didn’t really think Khai would respond to him. I also liked bookworm's point in her post that at least in the film the confession came with context, but in the show Third’s confession came out of nowhere, so it’s understandable Khai reached for a rationalization instead, because he doesn’t seem to be seeing or considering Khai at all in these plans. Piggybacking on this, I could not help but think after watching this truly terrible film that Third would have been much better served modelling his behaviour and taking lessons from the ‘no homo’ confession between the self-absorbed rock star Billy Mack and his manager, Joe.

Like Shan said, I can understand on the surface why Third identified with the Mark character. This character has loved from afar in what he feels is hopeless pining, but he can't help but hope. In the film, the character's situation is much more absurd (they have never had a conversation!!! Juliet is MARRIED TO HIS BEST FRIEND PETER!!! I cannot with this movie), and so he decides to confess on Christmas as a way of finally being able to move on.

Mark’s confession, which Third emulates, is him one-sidedly pouring out his feelings before moving on with his life. Juliet rewards him with a kiss (WHY), and then we see the three of them (Mark, Juliet, and Peter) together in the future relaxed and presumably with Mark being a better friend to both of them than he has been to date.

Mark's confession reminded me strongly of Mhoo's confession in Dear Dakanda: A one-sided dump of information with no interest in the recipient's feelings. Both of these character moments, as neuroticbookworm said in their post, did not have the person they were in love with in mind.

In contrast, let's take a look at the other confession in this story. Why did I choose the one that was canonically non-romantic (and explicitly "no homo", at that) as the one Third should have emulated? Well, this confession was about two friends, one of whom finally admitted that, instead of the party lifestyle he thought he wanted, he actually just wanted the company of the man who had supported him and stayed by his side all this time. Billy said aloud, to Joe, that they were the two most important people in each other's lives, and that even though he had underappreciated his friend, this man was the person he cared about most.

You may have noticed that this confession is from a character who is (relatively) Khai-coded. Rather than thinking about his own perspective and who he always most relates to, if Third had been thinking about Khai's perspective, and caring about Khai's feelings, he might have confessed in a way that Khai can relate to and that speaks to him. Instead, so far he's still so wrapped up in his own perspective that he keeps trying to approach with Third-character-coded approaches.

Most importantly, the confession is clear and allows for the recipient to respond. And it also leaves room for them to be important to each other in a platonic way, if that were the only thing that would work for both parties.

A little bit of an aside, but I loved Ben and @happypotato48 thinking through a list of what queer films in Thai Third would have had access to. I had fun thinking about whether any of those had better confession scenes that he could have emulated but I ended up coming to the same conclusion as Ben, I can see why he turned to romcoms.

Week 3: Friends with Benefits

The allegory here was not very difficult: Jamie is the romantic who loves romcoms but falls for assholes and is tired of being lied to, and Dylan is the player who has no interest in romance but by becoming his friend and then sleeping with him Jamie apparently managed to break through his walls to allow himself to actually fall in love with someone. The worst part about this film is that Jamie gets mad at Dylan for pulling away emotionally after sleeping with her, accusing him of being like her other asshole guys who only date her to get her to fuck them. But, as Dylan points out, he took her home to meet his family after they fucked, and they are only friends with benefits; she’s getting mad at being denied emotional intimacy she never actually asked for or that he ever agreed to. [The part that frustrates me most about this film is it all could have worked if Jamie got mad at Dylan for pushing for emotional intimacy without being willing to name what he was doing, instead, but alas alack.] And then Dylan decides he does love Jamie and makes a big gesture, and everything is fine. Jamie doesn’t have to own up to any of what she did (i.e., assuming the dynamic of their agreed relationship had changed and then getting mad at him for violating rules she’d set in her head about it). I really appreciated Megan calling out that actually there was some great sex-positive stuff in there buried under all the bullshit.

Shan pointed out, and I agree, that Third’s fantasy from this film would definitely be that Khai realizes his feelings and confesses to him, and also that this is not the Khai we have seen to date. I would have loved for Third to take away from this film that you don’t get anywhere without actually talking about it, but unfortunately as Bookworm pointed out, this film fully enables his delusion that you can romcom moment your way into a relationship without ever having to speak. Impala noted that the difference between Third and Jamie is that Jamie had the sex without the closeness and Third has the closeness without the sex. It is interesting that Third chooses domesticity as his in rather than casual sex—while I do think that some of that choice is related to the different hetero/homo dynamics of these properties (by which I mean, Third doesn’t think sleeping with Khai is on the table anyway), I also think this has to do with what Ben pointed out in his piece around how Third, as his bro, is Different to Khai. Like Pluem said, he has a serious case of ‘main character syndrome’ . Honestly, if Third were watching this film with any kind of critical lens, he would have seen that the ending should never have worked, and that relationship intimacy does not happen on its own without a conversation. Instead, he takes the dramatics to heart.

Week 4: Crazy Stupid Love

Slight aside, Week 4’s Crazy Stupid Love made me furious and I had to unpack why, because after conversing with my fellow watchers I was able to admit that the plot that didn’t work for me did on paper work, and other than the side plot which was a little gross, the film wasn’t that bad. Turns out I was projecting past experiences on Jacob when the character was written in a way that his emotional turn was believable (I didn’t believe it when I watched it). Apologies to this film. I still maintain parts of it suck, though–being in love isn’t an excuse to violate boundaries. This is a terrible lesson that Third seems to have taken from this film instead (re: his peeking into Khai’s room in the previous episode). Also, if you love somebody, please don’t set them up to be caught having committed a felony without their knowledge (the naked photos from the film).

Loved Shan pointing out how the reveals in the episode are handed similarly to the film, and Bookworm noted that the theme of betrayal are also consistent across the film and the episode (though she rightly notes the likelihood of reconciliation is very different) (loved pluem’s rant about how out of pocket Khai was this episode). This is the lesson that I had wish Third had learned watching this, that moving on past a betrayal requires vulnerability and openness on both sides. Neither Third nor Khai are willing to be that with each other at this point in the story; instead Third is very focused on the romance of one-sided love and pining (and, like Megan said, I bet he cheered when Robbie continued pursuing his crush on Jessica despite her asking him multiple times to stop). But while boundary violations make for popular film, they don’t make for good relationships.

Week 5: 10 Things I Hate About You

Like Shan said in their post Third’s interpretation of what Kat was doing in her poem is frankly embarrassing. Third’s argument in this episode reminded me a lot of the Jamie/Dylan fight in Friends with Benefits, in which Third was mad about things that Khai rightly points out he has no reason to be mad at, based on the parameters of their friendship. Ben mentions in his post that third is lashing out but refusing to name what is actually the problem (Bookworm notes that Third passive-aggressively hints that he hasn’t wanted to be Khai’s friend for awhile; frustrating). I wonder how much of Khai getting mad back is related to how he knows he’s been messing with Third’s feelings and is stressed about it–like how Patrick lashes out at Kat because she’s rightly guessed he has other motivations for going to prom–similar to Third being unwilling to name the actual problem, Khai is too, though he gets closer with his ‘you’re not my wife’ comment (Pluem speculates in his post that Khai is aware and acting out on purpose and I think so too). Megan points out that both Kat and Third have to learn the difference between maintaining healthy boundaries and not letting anyone in. The fantasy in this film and in Third’s mind, is that someone will come along and break through, avoiding having to ever learn. In this film, as wrong as they were, I would have much rather that Third have learned from Bianca and Cameron; Cameron finds out he was being manipulated and he asks outright: 'Did you ever even like me? Was any of it real?' And he states his own feelings too. They owed Kat a huge apology too, but for a couple to learn from I would have rather Third sat up and taken note that an honest conversation naming the hurt and discussing real feelings is more productive than passive aggressive displaced anger.

Week 6: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I like Shan's theory that this film is our bridge from Third to Khai, and this is why I decided to write this post now, because I want to go into the Khai section of this show with fresh eyes to see whether the ways that the episodes end up paralleling the films changes with the change in POV. I think Shan is exactly right with her drawing the parallel between Joel only realizing that he didn’t want to lose Clementine after the erasing was already underway to Khai on the beach weeks into Third cutting him out of his life and Khai realizing this is not at all what he wants.

Bookworm said it perfectly that this film is so carefully constructed to make us and Joel realize that good relationships are built through intimacy and vulnerability; the question now is if Khai and Third are ready to do what they have not done to date, and be open with each other. And their point about how we lose access to Third’s thoughts right when we most need them was bang on.

Megan characterized the procedure in Eternal Sunshine as a violence against the self, relationship, and community, and I was thinking about Khai’s plan to break Third's heart and how it had the same effect. As they said, miscommunication is the core of their problem and when two people act independently in a relationship, miscommunication is inevitable. I think their post hit the nail on the head of what I wanted Third to take from this film: If you want a relationship you need to accept the whole person. Instead, Third thinks to himself how nice it would be if he could erase specific memories. I was thinking about how there is a similarity to me in how Third could only confess to the recorded post only visible to him, and how Joel could only open up to the Clementine in his head who is just an extension of his psyche. At the same time, I wonder if Third choosing to finally be the one to leave and cut ties like Clem in this episode is him finally making a Khai-coded character choice. And in reading Ben’s summary of the film, it struck me how much these characters are choosing to be physically vulnerable to relative strangers over being emotionally vulnerable with people they love and with themselves. The choices of these characters in both properties are more painful the more I unpack them.

Finally, doing a final edit of this post, it struck me how the actions of Mhoo in Dear Dakanda really seem like the kind of immature person who would delete the memories of Dakanda if he could. He did the next best thing, purging everything that reminded him of her and saying that he'll never be in touch again.

Welp this was a mess but at least I've got this out there now. I'll try not to leave the back half to one post. One general thing I'll say is that so far I'm getting so much out of this project and I'm so glad that Ben suggested it and Shan leapt on it. For those who enjoy thinking more deeply about shows, I highly recommend watching evn a couple of these films and thinking about Theory of Love and how these films tell us so much about Third's perspective (and, I hope in the back half, Khai's).

#tol romcom rewatch #theory of love #typed so that i can stop thinking it #dear dakanda (2005)#love actually (2003)#friends with benefits (2011)#crazy stupid love (2011)#10 things i hate about you (1999)#eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (2004)#long post

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lovely-showtimes · 1 year ago

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Hehe… silly request time… Can you do Tsukasa, Airi, and Haruka x a reader who is “self-aware” (self-aware in this instance meaning they know they’re in a game)? It’s okay if not (^_^)

♡ . self aware.

characters - haruka, airi.

type - scenario.

warnings - unreality.

a/n - i'm so sorry that this took so long T_T i wanted to get to this earlier because i think 'self aware characters' as a concept is very interesting !!! but my brain wouldnt let me write unfortunately... haruka might be ooc, despite how much i love them im very unfamiliar with mmj as characters & their stories </3 i'm also sorry for not doing tsukasa for this one, i wanted to include him and i originally did have an idea for his section, but i took so long to write this i forgot what it was ... i hope you enjoy anyway!

"Do you see anything you like?" You call over your shoulder, turning your attention away from the sweatshirts in front of you.

Airi stands by several dresses, scrutinising them. The two of you decided to go out shopping together, as you felt like your wardrobe was lacking. Airi was eager to help, confident in her sense of style that she can get you something nice, as well as something for herself.

Her brow creases in thought and she stops in front of one particular dress.

"C'mere for a sec," she calls back to you, and you walk over. Airi steps to the side, gesturing to the dress with a furrowed brow.

"Have I worn this before?" She asks. "I mean, I doubt you'd know, but still. It feels so familiar, but I also feel like I've never seen it before."

You squint at the dress. That's right... you recognise it, don't you?

"You wore that in the trained version of your Re-tie Friendship card, didn't you?" You comment quietly. "I liked that one, it was pretty."

Airi goes quiet for a few moments. You catch a befuddled look on her face out of the corner of your eye. "...Excuse me? What's a 'Re-tie Friendship card'...?"

You spin to face her, eyes wide. "Eh? It was your third focus event. Don't you remember it?"

Her confusion only grows. "What on earth are you saying? No, I don't remember it."

Your eyes lock for a brief period of time, the two of you studying each other for a single hint of what the other was talking about. Then, it hits you.

"Oh!" You gasp. "You didn't know about the whole game thing...? I thought everybody knew, but we weren't supposed to talk about it."

The fact of your entire life being a simple game was one you've always been aware of. You had never tried to bring it up to anyone else, or research it before. It had never occurred to you - it was as obvious a fact as saying "the sky is blue".

Airi shakes her head, placing a hand on her temples. "You're making no sense! What game thing?"

You open your mouth to respond, but you hesitate. Should you really elaborate on what you mean? Maybe it's for the best that you don't tell Airi about your shared existence within a game. It might be a bit much to take in all at once.

Maybe another time.

You smile brightly and shake your head. "Oh, you know what? I just realised, I was thinking of something else. Oopsies! Ignore me."

"...Right." Confusion and slight frustration still lingers on Airi's face, but she sighs and shakes her head. You're probably just referencing something from some game you like, right? Maybe she should look into it later, to understand what you just said to her.

Airi's gaze drifts back to the dress once more. That feeling of déjà vu still hovers in the recesses of her mind when she gazes at it, and it's unsettling. Maybe she should look for something different to wear.

"I had the strangest dream last night," Haruka comments, staring at the sandwich in her hands thoughtfully. The sun shines down on you both as you sit on a warm, grassy hill on a red-and-white checkered blanket.

You beam brightly, head tilted curiously. You swallow the bite of food in your mouth. "Oh? What happened?"

"I was dancing to a song I've never heard before. It was in a completely different style than we usually dance to as well, it was quite mellow and calm. I was dancing with a few other people too... Kohane, Ichika, and two other people I didn't recognise... a girl with grey-ish green hair, and a boy with ginger hair."

Haruka shakes her head. "How strange. And the weirdest part was, when I woke up, I remember thinking 'Ah, another one of those dreams'. I haven't dreamt of anything like that before."

She takes a thoughtful bite of her sandwich.

You can't help laughing a little at her bizarre dream. "I always have those dreams! The people who play this game like to make us dance with the other characters. It's quite fun, I like trying to think of what kind of person makes me dance to a certain song with certain people."

You tap your chin curiously. "Perhaps they like to think of me and the others in a romantic relationship? Perhaps they like to think of a different scenario where we are in a band together? Perhaps they feel romantically towards me? It's so interesting."

You chuckle to yourself once more, taking another bite of food. Goodness, it's so tasty. The work the two of you put together to create this whole picnic really paid off! You were especially looking forward to trying those cupcakes, you put a little extra love into each of them! In particular, you-

"Love, what game? What- What are you talking about?"

Haruka's voice snaps you out of your thoughts. Her gaze is full of confusion and concern for you. Her grip on her sandwich has gotten just a little tighter.

You simply gaze back at her as if it's all perfectly normal. "The game we're in. You didn't know?"

Silence hangs in the air. Haruka's gaze shifts around, landing on you for a moment or two before looking away.

Eventually, she clears her throat and nods, deciding to play along. "Right! Of course, I remember now. How could I have forgotten?"

Your joke had unsettled her a little, but she decides to just shake it off. That's all it was, anyway. You're just joking, aren't you?

...Aren't you?

#♡ ~ love letter sent!#virtualnetwork #project sekai x reader #momoi airi x reader #airi momoi x reader #kiritani haruka x reader #haruka kiritani x reader

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findingroleplays · 2 years ago

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🕷️ hello! i'm a 25+/f looking for a m x f/cc x cc ship for xina kwan (spiderman 2099) opposite my miguel o'hara (across the spiderverse). admittedly, i'm pretty new to this marvel thing and miguel himself, but i've read his original run thus far and have experience playing smart allecs who are also hot, guilt-riddled messes, if that helps what i'm looking for:

a long-term partner, preferably age 25+; semi- to full literate, para- and novella-flexible, someone who doesn't mind writing two or more paragraphs

i'm open to writing nsfw but if my partner isn't, i'll be more than happy to fade to black

interactions don't need to be plot-focused, at least not immediately. i find starting small allows chemistry to build organically. miguel and xina are a good match and have good banter, so i'm hoping we can riff off each other. i'd love to explore their relationship as much as possible!

as far as situation, i'm thinking it could either be pre-into the spiderverse/pre-1992 run where miguel and xina are still dating, or it could be post-beyond the spiderverse. i know the movie won't be out for a while but i'm already having some thoughts (i.e. hopes) about what miguel's ending could be

flexible in terms of activity. my online presence can range from moderate to low depending on how much capitalism saps my energy. i do keep open lines of communication, so if i'm running low on juice or i'll be away for a bit, i'll be sure to keep you informed

as for myself:

10+ years of roleplay experience (tumblr)

if allowed to cook, my writing can get lengthy and descriptive. hopefully, that won't deter any interest. however, i don't expect your replies to match mine as long as they take the "yes, and" approach. whatever length's reasonable at the time should be fine as long as it's something i can work with

i'm down for wing-its, short, para, and novella. as mentioned previously, short works best starting out

i'm a sucker for aus. the ones mentioned in the last section are the only ones i have atm

my portrayal will be atsv-based with a blend of elements from his 1992 comic series and my own headcanons

replies will be in third-person

i like to talk a lot ooc. i like getting to know my partner and bouncing ideas around. never hesitate to throw something my way!

as mentioned before, thread replies may be a bit slow due to work, but i'll be sure to keep you informed. similarly, i'll understand if you can't reply quickly either

in terms of platform, i'm tumblr-exclusive. i use discord for personal conversations but not rp. sorry

last but not least, i won't interact with anyone who has an empty blog and doesn't have their age stated in their description. no exceptions

please only like this post if you're actually serious. thanks!

(@ blog owner, please add the tags: atsv rp, itsv rp, spiderverse rp, across the spiderverse rp. thanks!)

#across the spiderverse #into the spiderverse #atsv rp #itsv rp #spiderverse rp #across the spiderverse rp #cc x cc #25+

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findroleplay · 2 years ago

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🕷️ hello! i'm a 25+/f looking for someone to play xina kwan (spiderman 2099) opposite my miguel o'hara (across the spiderverse). admittedly, i'm pretty new to this marvel thing and miguel himself, but i've read his original run thus far and have experience playing smart allecs who are also hot, guilt-riddled messes, if that helps what i'm looking for:

a long-term partner, preferably age 25+; semi- to full literate, para- and novella-flexible

i'm open to writing nsfw but if my partner isn't, i'll be more than happy to fade to black

as for myself:

10+ years of roleplay experience (tumblr)

i'm down for wing-its, short, para, and novella. as mentioned previously, short works best starting out

i'm a sucker for aus. the ones mentioned in the last section are the only ones i have atm

my portrayal will be atsv-based with a blend of elements from his 1992 comic series and my own headcanons

replies will be in third-person

i talk a lot ooc. i like getting to know my partner and bouncing ideas around. never hesitate to throw something my way!

as mentioned before, thread replies may be a bit slow due to work, but i'll be sure to keep you informed. similarly, i'll understand if you can't reply quickly either

in terms of platform, i'm tumblr-exclusive. i only use discord for ooc discussions. sorry

last but not least, i won't interact with anyone who has an empty blog and doesn't have their age stated in their description. no exceptions

if you're interested, like this and i'll reach out to you. thanks!

#roleplay #rp #spiderman 2099 rp #across the spiderverse rp

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nattikay · 6 years ago

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Why Troll!Jim is my favorite character

My mind kept rollin’ around after making that post about how different people can like/dislike characters for different reasons and decided to share why my favorite Trollhunters character is just that. Especially because there’s a number of people out there who really don’t like him, and you know what, hey, valid. You don’t have to like the same characters I do. This post is not meant to convert anyone to my “side” or anything. Just to explain why I, personally, find the character appealing.

1.) He’s simply CUTE!

This is, of course, 100% subjective, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE troll!Jim’s design y’all. Blue skin, which is my favorite color--actually appears blue-gray in some shots, which reminds me of my fav cat breed tbh, the “British Blue” which are actually a kinda rich gray. The floofy hair. The cute little teefers. The way he moves like a big ol’ kitty.

Sure there are some things I could nitpick, for example I think the mismatched hands are kind of an odd choice, but nonetheless I just really enjoy watching him. Seeing him on screen makes me smile.

Just look at this precious bean. I wanna scoop him up and give him a big ol’ snuggle!!

He’s very fun to draw too!! I very much enjoy doodling his design.

I already loved Jim’s character as a human; now he has all those moments and development and character PLUS an extra-adorable design (imo at least--I mean, his human design is cute too, I just happen to prefer his troll design :) ). For me that’s a win-win lol.

2.) Biology

I love speculative/fantasy biology; I’ve always found it fascinating to analyze and theorize about and headcanon for. Those who have known me long enough to recall my days in the Inuyasha fandom probably know this; I used to make huge analyses on the speculative genetics of the half-youkai protagonist and make in-depth headcanons on how his biology worked (hmmm, another half-human you say? Strange, it’s almost like I find that a particularly interesting concept to theorize about! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

Same thing for troll Jim. We know very little about what being a half-troll entails, whether or not Jim is the only one to have ever existed, etc., which leaves a lot of stuff up to interpretation and I love that! It’s so much fun to think about and speculate on how his new form operates, how it’s different from both full trolls and full humans but also in what ways it’s akin to each, what strengths and weaknesses come with the hybrid status, etc.!

It’s the exact kind of thing that really piques my interest and gets me thinking and theorizing! :)

3.) Change

Alright, so this isn’t something I really make a habit of talking about online because it’s quite personal, but I’ve always struggled a great deal with change. I am a creature of habit and like to stay in my comfort zone with most things. Any big change in my life causes a lot of stress and irrational anxiety, and I know it is irrational, and I try to overcome but for me it is. so. hard.

Starting middle school was terrifying. Starting high school was terrifying. Starting college was terrifying. Graduating college and moving into the “real world” was terrifying. And right now, as much as I love the idea of having a loving partner, the idea of dating and starting a real, serious relationship and getting married is terrifying. It’s such a major change in life and you can never quite go back to the way you were before. You don’t retreat back into your comfort zone, that next stage is your New Life. And that’s terrifying.

Yes, I know, to a lot of you much of that probably sounds silly, and like I said, I don’t really like to discuss it much online (or anywhere really, unless you’re my mom or my therapist). But it is something I struggle with quite often as a young 20-something with anxiety.

All that said, Jim’s transformation has forced him into a situation that I absolutely, 100% understand would be absolutely terrifying. And there’s no going back. The change is permanent. He can’t retreat back to the comfort zone of being fully human. His life is forever altered, for better or for worse.

And if I feel so deeply for how scary that is, why the heck do I love this character so much?

Because he’s heckin’ inspirational for me, gosh dangit.

If this character that I enjoy so much can go through such a major life-shattering event, something after which nothing will ever be quite the same, and yet still be able to adapt--still be able to find happiness--still have all the unconditional love and support from friends and family--maybe I can too.

Troll!Jim is a comfort character for me. He represents someone who went through one of my worst psychological fears and, eventually, come out the other side with a smile. He’s someone that I can project my own struggles onto and then watch him overcome them.

That’s part of the reason I so much detest the idea that he’ll never be happy again unless his transformation is reversed. How soul-crushing that idea is to someone like me.

So......yeah. There you go. That’s why troll!Jim is my favorite character. You still don’t have to like him; that’s fine. We’re all entitled to our own opinions and interpretations after all.

But this character is very special to me, and that, at least, is not going to change.

#trollhunters #jim lake jr #troll jim #I was...pretty hesitant to write out that third section #people will probably think it's silly or not worth taking seriously #idk it I even quite explained it adequately #and like I said I know the fears are irrational but.....#idk man #clinical anxiety is a beast #troll jim is basically my emotional support character right now and no amount of negative posts can take that away from me #so...............yeah #just my opinions...

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uhmprobablynot · 2 years ago

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Sorry I’m a little late but I would love to see a part 2 to the bully fic, part 1 was awesome.

love your writing<3

The moment we have all been waiting for.... Bully/Jock!Schlatt part 2, the squeakual, hope you guys enjoy this one as much as the last one. I have a third part 2/3rds of the way written with a full full smut scene and minor angst teehee but I wanted to get this out to y'all asap,,, anyway enjoy!!

my friend who wanted to be tagged: @toesforhoesbros

Part One > Part Two > Part Three

The following afternoon came slowly, your nerves making the time seem to drag. You put on the jersey Schlatt gave you and left for the field. When you got there, you told the ticketer your name, and he handed you a pass. “Show this to the security guard inside. He’ll walk you to where you need to go.” You thank him and move into the arena. You find a security guard rather quickly and he walks you down the stairs to some reserved sears behind the dugout.

“Hi!” a perky voice says from beside you. The voice comes from a pretty blonde girl who is wearing a similar jersey to the one you are wearing. “My name is Ash. I’ve never seen you here before.” You shake your head.

“Nope, first time here.” Ash just laughs and gestures for you to sit next to her. You do.

“My boyfriend is number 22, his name is Zach.” She leans so you can see the 22 and Carlton across the back. “Which one is yours?” You laugh nervously. “None of them?” Ash gives you a confused look.

“What do you mean ‘none of them’,” she air quotes. “You’re on girlfriend row. One’s gotta be yours.” You blush as you remember Schlatt’s hesitation when he mentioned the section you would sit in. “Who’s on your jersey then?” Ash touches your shoulder to get a look at your back. She laughs, and doesn’t stop. “The baby of the team, how cute.” She stands up and bangs on the dugout. This causes Zach to look up towards her. He runs to meet her at the net.

“This is Schlatt’s ‘not-girlfriend-even-though-she’s-sitting-here-wearing-his-jersey-girlfriend’!” You blush as she introduces you.

“No, no. It’s not like that. The guy barley put up with me!” You try to defend. Zach only laughs.

“Well, not girlfriend,” he starts. “Looks like he has some explaining to do, then.” He smiles and blows a kiss towards Ash before going into the dugout. Ash looks at your dumbfounded face and cackles. She pulls you into her side. “I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of you.” She giggles, then points out into the field. “Schlatt is in the outfield, warming up.” Your cheeks get warm as you look towards him.

He’s far out, but you can see how the uniform fits him perfectly; the pants tight against his thighs, his short sleeve jersey showing how his biceps as he throws the ball.

“Yeah,” Ash starts. “The uniform does wonders for the boys.” She leans in closer. “Especially their asses, I mean whew.” Suddenly, the cement under your feet is way more interesting than the field in front of you. Ash just cackles again.

You hear a yell from the dugout and all the players from your school move back in towards it. Schlatt runs in field and spots you. He smiles, then sees Ash and it drops as his cheeks go pink. Ash nudges you and indicator that she saw what just happened. You went to say a smart remark but as you started too, the announcer started calling out the lineups. The game was starting.

As the ninth inning winds down, your school’s team is one behind. Schlatt is up to bat. If he doesn’t hit the ball enough for at least the man on third base to get it home, the game is over. The pitcher opposite of Schlatt wipes the sweat off of his forehead, and Schlatt grips the bat harder. The pitcher winds. A clank echoes through the stadium. Schlatt hit the baseball and its moving high and fast towards the outfield. Ash and you grab each other’s arm, the tension in the stadium is thick. Schlatt runs and all the other men on the field do, too. Then the ball goes over the fence and the entire stadium erupts. The first home run of the season. Four full points to your school’s team, four winning points to your school’s team.

Ash and you yell as the announcers yell home run and all the boys make it to home plate. Schlatt looks up at you as you pass it and you and Ash cheer louder.

“Come on!” Ash says, grabbing your hand and begins leading you.

“Where are we going?” You ask as she weaves you in and out of leaving guests.

“The lobby.” She answers plainly, as if that would answer your question. Ash opened a door to a quiet hallway with seats that lined the walls. “The players come out of that door after they shower and get changed.” You looked at the door. She took your hand and pulled you down to a seat next to her.

“Look, obviously there is something between you and Schlatt. I’ve known him for almost three years now. And he’s never brought a girl here.” You felt embarrassment flood your veins. You went to say something as you heard footsteps from the other side of the door. The door opened and a few of the guys from the team, including Zach, walked out. Ash stood up and ran into his arms.

“Hey,” he said, wobbling to you as Ash hadn’t let go yet. “Nice to see you on the other side of the net.” You waved and congratulated him on the game. “Not me,” he laughed. “That was your not-boyfriend who won.” The wave of embarrassment came back again. Schlatt walked in at that same moment. “Speak of the devil!” Zach yelled.

“We should leave,” Ash said as you and Schlatt looked at each other. Zach nodded.

“Hi,” Schlatt said.

“Hi,” you responded. “That last swing was great. Congrats.” Schlatt blushed and chuckled.

“Thank you.” You both just stood in the hallway, looking at each other. “Thank you for coming, by the way.” His voice was quiet and genuine. You smiled at his sudden timidness.

“Well, you gave me a jersey and a free ticket. I couldn’t have not.” You smile up at him.

“Uh,” He stutters. “Do you need a ride?”

“Yeah,” You hesitate. “If that’s alright with you.” “I asked dumbass, come on.” Schlatt and you began walking out to his car. He unlocks the car, putting his stuff in the back seat. You reach to open your door and he yells. “What are you doing?” You say, startled by his sudden yelling. He runs to the passenger side of the door and opens it for you.

“I might be an asshole.” He leans on the door as you get in. “But I am a gentleman.” He closes the door after winking at you, then begins his walk to the driver’s side. While he can’t see it, you take a shaky breath. You quickly realized the mistake as the car smells just like him, and it makes you dizzy with a feeling you can’t label. Schlatt opens the driver's door and climbs in. He starts up his car but stops before he puts it in reverse.

“Do you want to get dinner with me?” His gaze is pleading, the same as when the professor asked you to tutor him. Except now, it was hopeful too.

“I’d love to.”

“You’d love to?” His voice is soft, but his gaze is intense. You nod, not confident your voice would be anything but a breathy agreement. He smiles wide and genuine, and your heart soars. You’ve never seen a smile like that from Schlatt, but you would do anything to make him do it over and over again.

Schlatt takes you to his favorite restaurant near campus, a small chicken wing place. He swore by the food. By the time the waiter had come with the check, both of your plates were entirely clean. You offered to help with the check, but he simply called you an idiot and handed the waiter his card. Dinner was full of laughs and Schlatt’s wide and full smile. The walk back to his car was slow, both of you wanting to put off the inevitable end of the night. When you get to the car, Schlatt once again opens the door for you, but this time offers you his hand as you step into the car. For balance. You try to rationalize with yourself.

Schlatt closes the door behind you and enters his side. He starts the car and his music floods the car. You can see the lights of the city shimmer through his windshield. The entire feels like magic.

“Do you want to get together tomorrow?” Schlatt asks you breaking the soft quiet and you feel your insides flutter. You look over towards him. He is watching his hands grip the steering wheel.

“You really can’t get rid of me.” You say smirking. Schlatt chuckles.

“As much as that is the truth, I also have some ideas for the professor’s project.” He looks over at you and leans on the middle console, his face coming within inches of yours. “And I would enjoy my tutors’ professional opinions.” He whispers. You glance down at his lips, unable to stop yourself as he speaks. When he finishes speaking, you look at his eyes, which are now watching your lips.

“That, uh,” You clear your throat and look through the windshield. “That sounds great.” Schlatt sighs lightly before shifting in his seat. He asks where you live and you tell him. You feel yourself cringe at how awkward the atmosphere has become. You try to talk a few times, but it never feels like the right moment or the right thing to say. He pulls in front of your place. You get out of the car and Schlatt does too. You look at him confused, and he smirks.

“I’m walking you to your door, least I can do for keeping you so late.” You smile and begin the walk towards your door.

When you finally get there, you hesitate before putting your key in the door, and turn to face Schlatt.

“Thank you again for tonight, today really. Iit’s been so,” You breathe in. “So wonderful.” Schlatt smiles at you but says nothing. “The game invite was more than enough, but then the jersey.” You continue needing to fill the silence. “Then you winning the game, which was amazing, and dinner and-” His lips on yours cut you off. The softness of his lips is contradicted by the slight scratch of his scruff against your face. You kiss back as soon as you understand what is happening, but he still pulls away too quickly.

“Sorry,” He licks his lips. “I just really, really wanted to kiss you.” You smile and pull him back to your lips. He kisses you back. This time, though, the both of you are confident. He grabs your waist and uses your gasp to let his tongue enter your mouth. The kiss becomes a fight for dominance mixed with clashing teeth. Your screaming lungs force you to pull away, and the both of you pant, catching your breaths.

“Do you want to come in?” You ask and he takes a sharp breath.

“That-” He kisses you again, gentler but still passionate. “That’s’ not why I kissed you.” You glanced up at him and smiled.

“I know.” He kisses you again, weighing his options.

“As much as I want to,” He said, grabbing the side of your face, forcing you to look at him. “I want to take you on a proper date. I told you; I’m a gentleman.”

“Well gentleman Schlatt,” He laughs at the name. “I will see you tomorrow.” You turned to put the key into the door, but he stopped you.

“Do you think I could have your number? That way we can actually plan tomorrow, and that date?” It was your turn to laugh, but you gave him your number and finally opened your door. As you entered, he turned away, but you called out to him.

“Will you text when you get home?” He smiles and nods and says goodnight before walking to his car.

You lean against the door and touch your lips that are swollen from Schlatt’s own. As you get ready for bed, your phone beeps.

Unknown Number: It’s Schlatt, I just got home.

You smile and type your reply

You: Thanks for letting me know. Thank you again for tonight.

Schlatt: It’s really not a problem, I enjoyed myself too, a lot.

Schlatt: As for tomorrow, the library is open on Sunday and it’s usually empty. We could meet there like usual?

You: That sounds like a plan, same time as usual?

Schlatt: Would noon work? I want to spend more than just an hour with you… Even if it is just doing history.

You: Noon sounds perfect. I’ll see you then. Goodnight :)

Schlatt: Goodnight Y/n

You’re in bed by the time Schlatt sends his last message and you can’t help but laugh and smile widely as your heart flutters.

The next morning, as you get ready, you can’t help but get a little more done up than you usually would. Figuring a skirt would help you look cute while also combatting the heat, nothing if not at least practical.

As you walked into the library, Schlatt was nowhere to be seen. You texted him, wondering where he was.

Schlatt: Walk towards the study rooms. I’m back in a corner. Was weirdly crowded earlier, the only seat I could find.

You followed Schlatt’s instructions, and you spotted him in a back corner hidden by bookshelves. He saw you at the same time and his eyes drifted down towards the skirt, watching your legs as you moved towards him. Maybe a valid third reason for the skirt, you thought to yourself.

“Dressed to impress, are we?” He asks as you sit across from him.

“Don’t know. Are you impressed?” Schlatt seems awestruck at your comment, flushing before nodding. You smirk. “What’s your project ideas?” Schlatt clears his throat.

“I was thinking I would do it on the effects of computer history both when they first came around and now.” His voice was soft, shy almost.

“I think,” you started. “That is a fantastic idea!” “Really?” “I was half expecting you to do something about baseball.” You admitted, and Schlatt laughed lightly.

“I thought about it, but I hate being predicable.” He smiled, and you reflected the look. “Do you want to come look?” You nodded and moved next to him to see his laptop. Schlatt lightly groaned as you sat next to him. You looked at him, worried.

“Everything okay?” He nods, embarrassed that the noise actually came out of him.

“Yeah, you just smell really nice.” It was now your turn to be embarrassed.

“Thank you,” you squeaked, putting your focus on the screen in front of you. Schlatt, however, grabbed your jaw, turning you to face him and kissed you. As he pulled away, he smirked at your fluttering eyelashes.

“Now,” he said, pulling up his presentation. “Time for history.” You nodded and focused in on his presentation. You started reading what he had done. And you felt his breath close to your neck.

“Schlatt,” you stuttered. “What are you doing?” he shushed you.

“Focus on history, sweetheart.” You took in a shaky breath as you tried to force yourself to focus back on his presentation. He kissed your neck and you couldn’t help the light whimper that left your throat. You could feel his smirk against your neck.

“When did you do all of this?” he kissed your neck again before moving back slightly.

“Last night when I got home.” His whispered words fanned across the skin of your neck. “I had to distract myself from thinking of certain propositions given to me last night.” You felt your neck get hot as the thought of your door way flashed in your mind.

“And here I thought I pushed too far.” You whispered. Schlatt shook his head. His hand fell to your knee, and you took a sharp breath in.

“Is this okay?”

“Schlatt, we’re in a library.”

“Y/n,” he said lowly, and a shiver went down your spine as he said your name. “I asked if this was okay, not where we are, my pretty thing.” The nickname made you close your eyes and subconsciously your thighs tightened together. Schlatt chuckled and his hand gripped your knee a little tighter. “As much as I take that as a good sign,” he moves up towards your ear before whispering. “I want to hear you say it.” You swallow even though your throat is dry.

“Yes,” you whisper after scanning the area around you for people. His hand moves further up your thigh.

“There’s no one back here.” His hand moves under your thigh before picking it up and draping it over his. “As long as you stay quiet.” He continues. With your thigh draped over his, he has better access further up your leg. “Come on, baby, keep reading.” His fingers trace circles on the inside of your thigh. Close enough to your heat that you're sure he can feel in on his hand. His hand grazes over your underwear and your breath hitches and your eyes close. “Sweetheart focus, I would hate to have to stop now.” You whimper and he shushes you lightly. “Maybe reading at loud would help keep your focus.” You inhale deeply.

“S-since the 1940s, computer engineers have followed.” His finger tips grazed over your clit through your underwear and you stuttered.

“F-f-followed,” Schlatt mocked, “I know you can read better than that.” Clenched around nothing at his mean words, and he pressed his fingertips harder into you. “Keep going.”

“Followed Moore’s law, which is the theory that computer switches halve in size every two years.” His fingers pushed your underwear to one side, feeling the wet that has pooled there and dragging his finger from your slit before lightly circling your clit.

“Take them off.” He whispered as you finished the slide. You stared at him wide eyed. He dragged his finger down, then up again to emphasise his point. “Stop being dumb. Take them off.” You nodded, removing your thigh from his, and moving your shaky hands up under your skirt before pulling down your underwear. He held out his hand, and you gave them to him, and he smirked before whispering, “Good girl.” Schlatt grabbed your thigh, moving it back to where it was before moving his hand back between your thighs. His hand hovered over your heat but not touching it. You looked at him, waiting for him to move, but he didn’t.

You looked back at his PowerPoint and began reading again. As you read, his hand moved. His finger dipped down before entering slowly. You did your best to keep your voice steady as his finger slowly pushed in and out of you. Each time he did, his finger curled in and out. As you finished another slide with no mistakes, he added another finger. The stretch stinging but was quickly soothed by how good he felt. As another slide finished, he used his thumb to circle your clit. The mix of his finger going in and out of you, matching the pressure against your sweet spot, was almost too much.

“S-Schlatt-”

“I know, pretty girl, you can do it.”

“In the 1920s, Nazi Germany transmitted secret messages.” His thumb sped up as he felt you clench around his fingers. “Alan Turing developed a computer machine to help decipher these messages,” your voice became higher pitched and airy as you got closer and closer to your edge. “This led to the development of the Turing Test, which tests a computer’s intelligence by asking it different question, it passes if the response can’t be distinguished from a human.” As you finished, Schlatt whispered in your ear.

“Let go, pretty girl.” As the words left his mouth, you felt your orgasim flood your veins. You put your hand over your mouth to stop the loud moan that wanted to escape. Schlatt panted lightly as he watched you fall apart. He pumped his fingers in you a few more times as you came back down. Removing his fingers from you, Schlatt popped them into his mouth, cleaning them off.

“How was it?” He asked, and you took a deep breath.

“Really good,” he smirked.

“I mean the PowerPoint.” you give him an embarrassed smile.

“Still the same answer.” You leaned up and kissed him, using your own hand to slide up his thigh. As you reached to touch his, what you could only assume was a painfully hard cock. Your phone alarm went off.

His head fell back and he let out a frustrated groan. He sat up and kissed you before standing up. You laughed at the tent in his sweatpants and he flushed, pulling his sweatshirt down as much as he could to cover it. He pulled his backpack on and walked out before coming back to kiss you one more time.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, doll.” You bite your lip and nod. You watch him leave before going to pack up your own things. As your still damp thighs meet, you remember.

That fucker still has my underwear.

#jschlatt x y/n #jschlatt x reader #jschlatt smut #jschlatt #schlatt #schlatt x reader #schlatt smut #That's all folks - I have spoken

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mikkalia · 2 years ago

Note

gahhhh the snippet for "sacrifice play" is SO GOOD 🙌👏 thank you for sharing! ❤️ since it was already asked about, could I maybe inquire about grief doesn’t hold shape?

i can't wait to actually finish it XD XD!

grief doesn't hold shape (real title "grief doesn't know its own shape") is the story that starts with Bruce telling Dick about Jason's death and then flash forwarding to a Nightwing and Red Hood section where Jason gets...tortured and Dick gets to watch and it just brings back so many unwanted feelings because he doesn't want to fear for his little brother's life because he doesn't want to be in a position where his little brother's life is on the line and all that. I'm still working on the schematics of the Nightwing and Red Hood bits. But writing Bruce informing Dick of Jason's death was fun to wrtie!!

This is the tail end of the first section, only because it's so long and I've already posted the first part a long long time ago

Dick stares at the screen with wide, stinging eyes. That sounded like goodbye, he thinks and covers his mouth. Bruce’s most recent message just says call me when you get this. He does, shakily bringing the speaker to his ear. He doesn’t realize he’s stopped dead in the middle of the main room. Donna frowns, asks him if he’s alright, and it sounds like she’s coming from underwater. He ignores her as the line rings out without Bruce ever answering.

He calls again. Then again. Hands shaking, eyes burning, a mantra of no no please no in his head.

The third call almost rings out when there’s a click and then a long sigh. “Dick,” he says heavily, his voice hoarse.

Dick remembers the last time he heard Bruce sound like that, and he closes his eyes. Remember waking up to scratchy, stiff blankets and monitors in the distance and cotton in his mouth. Bruce hovering over him, clasping his hand, carding his fingers through Dick’s hair.

Bullet wounds hurt.

He’s pretty sure this is going to hurt worse.

“What happened?” he demands. It grabs the team’s attention fully instead of them just side-ey-eing him, and he can’t find it in himself to care that they’re zeroed in on him. “Bruce, what happened?”

A long silence. Batman doesn’t hesitate. Bruce does.

“Jason’s dead,” he says quietly.

Dick doesn’t realize his knees buckled until Roy’s grabbing him by the arm, swearing. Garth takes his elbow and they both lead him to the couch where he collapses in a heap. They’re asking rapid-fire questions, but while Donna sounded like she was underwater, they’re all starting to sound like they’re at the end of a long tunnel. Underwater. Just background noise to the awful, terrible sentence echoing in his head.

Jason’s dead. Jason’s dead. Jason’s dead.

“How?” he croaks out, leaning forward – and leaning and leaning until Donna’s there, bracing him by the shoulders. He ducks his face, pressing the crown of his head to her stomach, shoulders shuddering. She digs her fingers in rhythmically, but that just makes him want to cry even more.

“The Joker.”

Dick laughs brokenly. Because of course. Why not.

“How?” he asks again. Getting answers is like pulling teeth. The anger that would normally appear the longer Bruce gives non-answers doesn’t show up. Instead, he feels – he feels hollow. Like, like an ice cream scoop came in and carved him out. “It doesn’t matter,” he says. His voice is dead. He feels dead. Jason’s actually dead. “I’m coming to the Manor.”

“We had the funeral,” Bruce says softly and there it is, a hint of emotion. Regret. Remorse. Grief. Dick tugs on his hair once, twice, then Garth is taking his hand, tangling their fingers together. “I’m sorry, Dick. I tried to put it off for as long as possible.”

“Liar,” Dicks says uncharitably just to hear Bruce’s carefully controlled exterior hitch. He said sorry. When was the last time he heard Bruce say sorry? He slumps. “Sorry, B,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”

There’s tears in his voice and Dick feels like a heel, when Bruce says, “It’s okay, chum. It’s a lot to take in. I…I would really love it if you came to manor.”

Dick thinks of bodies cooling in a cold, lonely alleyway, pearls shimmering in the lights, a little boy wailing for his parents. He thinks of free-falling then not, standing on his toes and looking downdowndown and seeing red and white and pink and people screaming and crying, and a figure curling around him, whispering reassurances in his ear, hiding his parents from sight.

“Okay,” he whispers. “I’ll – I’ll be there soon.”

He thinks there’s word for children who lost their parents.

“Love you, chum.”

– but what about a word for parents who lost their children?

“Love you, too.”

– a word for siblings who lost their little brother?

Dick buries his face in his hands and cries.

#my writing #wip game #that's almost all of them #asked #asked and answered

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iliveiloveiwrite · 5 years ago

Text

Secrets // D.M.

Request: CONGRATS BOO!!! Could I get a Secret relationship with Fluff 4 for Draco Malfoy pretty please at Hogwarts??? Also I was wondering if it could be with a Hufflepuff reader? (I love Hufflepuff x Slytherin pairings) THANKS AGAIN FOR DOING THIS BOO AND CONGRATS 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛 - @herstory-study

Fluff 4: “Is that my shirt?”

A/N: The first of my blurb celebrations!! Thank you, lovely!! I hope you enjoy!! It could be argued that I got carried away but there’s a large chance I could end up writing full fics for each request 😂 Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Hufflepuff!Fem!Reader

Warnings: secret relationships, some kissing, some feelings, a whole lotta fluff, a cheesy ending and an abuse of commas and semi-colons

Word count: 2.7k

There were some aspects to History of Magic that could be classed as interesting; the witch-hunts of Salem, for example or even the brief study dedicated to the founders of the very school you sit in. However, there was nothing remotely interesting about hearing the tale of the Goblin wars for the sixth year in a row.

You tap the feather of your quill to your cheek; jotting down a sentence every now and then to make it look as if you are paying the strictest attention to whatever Professor Binns happens to be mumbling about in that particular moment. You fade in and out of daydreams; letting your mind wander back to two nights ago when Draco had snuck you back into the Hufflepuff common room – stopping every few so often to draw you into another laughter-filled kiss.

You startle when a piece of parchment falls onto your desk. Folded like a paper crane, you only knew who this could be from. A sly glance over the blonde-haired teenager who’s attention is most definitely on the pacing of Binn’s ghost confirms your suspicions.

You delicately unfold the piece of parchment; smiling to yourself as begin to read Draco’s elegant scrawl: “Meet me at the Room of Requirement? 7:30pm?”

Anticipation curls in your gut like a ball.

A brief glance is all it takes for you to confirm. A brief glance in your direction from Draco; a subtle nod from you and your plans for the evening have been wiped clear and replaced entirely with Draco.

The bell rings. You stand, gathering your things together and placing them in your bag. A slight brush to your side is the only contact with the Slytherin you’ve found yourself head over heels for. A slight brush to your side and it feels like every inch of you is on fire; a reaction that only Draco has the power to elicit from you.

The day passes by slowly now that you have something to look forward to. A day where short moments are stolen behind tapestries or on less traversed corridors. Five minutes each time between lessons where you can quickly whisper a hello before dragging him into a kiss by his green striped tie.

Keeping your relationship a secret was a mutual decision; the fallout on both sides being something neither of you could be bothered to deal with right now. Instead, you were happier hiding in empty classrooms where you could have your fill of the Slytherin Prince, and he could whisper sweet nothings in your ear without the risk of anyone overhearing.

There were times when it was stressful; when the week had been too long and there had been no time to see one another. It was only then that you questioned the secrecy of your relationship.

But when you came together after a long period apart; everything returned back to normal and a smile found its way back to both your faces.

Your excitement for the evening makes it almost impossible to eat; picking at the food on your plate as you think about finally seeing Draco tonight. From your position at the Hufflepuff table, you have an excellent view of him, and he knows it. All evening, Draco sends you subtle winks and smiles from his seat at the Slytherin table.

You clench your fist; your fingernails biting into the sensitive skin of your palm as you resist the urge to throw yourself across both tables to him. You resist the urge to simply kiss him in front of his housemates.

You resist it all; every single feeling and urge because you know that in a matter of hours, he would be yours for the entire night.

Instead, you send a flirty smile back to the blonde-haired teenager before returning your attention back to your meal.

-----

The Room of Requirement is located on left hand corridor of the Seventh Floor. You knew from how he rushed out of the Great Hall that Draco would beat you to it.

With a large grin on your face, you walk past the section of wall opposite the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy three times. The entire time, thinking of Draco and how you’d like to see him.

On your third walk past, the large, ornate door appears. You don’t hesitate to pull it open and duck inside.

It’s never a different layout; always the same one that Draco imagines. A large, almost cavernous room with a grand fireplace that’s already lit and warming up the room. In front of the fire sits a couch big enough for an entire Quidditch squad but you know from experience that it’s perfect for the two of you to lie down on comfortably. A great bookshelf covers one of the walls; filled to the brim with ancient looking tomes and books, all there ready to read. You’ve taken advantage of such an offer in the past; reading to Draco after a particularly bad day.

Finally, pushed up against the furthest wall is a four poster bed covered in a thick, downy quilt and topped with blankets – both green and yellow to represent both houses. It was the cheesiest section of the room, and you had brought it up to Draco before – teasing him, but he simply shrugged and distracted you from further conversation.

You throw your outer robes on the bed, leaving you in your blouse, tie and skirt.

Draco remains seated on the large couch; his gaze focused on the flickering flames of the growing fire. Your arms snake their way around his shoulders; your hands trailing down his chest as you lean against the back of the couch. Pressing a small kiss just under his earlobe, you whisper, “I missed you today.”

Draco leans his head back, kissing the side of your jaw, “I missed you too.”

Letting go of him, you take a seat on the couch. In times like this, you never stray too far from the blonde-haired teenager, worried about how long it’ll be until you have a night like this again. An arm opens for you; you automatically press yourself into his side, inhaling the familiar scent of cashmere musk and roses. It was heavenly.

“How was your day?” He asks, voice quiet.

“It was boring until a note landed on my desk. Then it started to look up.”

Draco smirks, “How odd. Mine was taking the exact same route until someone responded to my note.”

You shift out of his hold; resting your head on your elbow that’s perched on the back of the couch. Your other hand pushes his hair back; pulling it out his eyes. He’s grown it longer over this year and stopped using so much product; it’s nice, more natural and a lot easier for you to run your hands through.

You open your mouth; trying to think of something to say but nothing comes to mind.

It doesn’t matter anyway.

Draco captures your lips in his. One of his hands settling on the back of your head whilst the other pulls you across his lap to straddle him. You smile into the kiss as your hands brace themselves on the back of the couch.

Breaking the kiss, you ask, “What was that for?”

He shrugs, “Nothing. I just missed you.”

“You’re missing me an awful lot.”

He kisses the underside of your jaw, “Can you blame me?”

You hum, “I don’t think I can. I’m missing you more too.”

“Then let’s not miss each other anymore,” Draco murmurs against your skin. Lifting his head just enough, he draws you in for another kiss effectively ending all conversation for the night.

-----------

You wake up tangled in the sheets of the four poster bed; Draco’s arm heavy across your waist.

As your eyes get used to the brightness of the room, they focus in on the clock on the beside table. Your eyes grow wide as you take in the time.

You’d slept through the lesson of the day already.

You launch yourself out of bed, shrugging off your pyjamas and rustling around to find your uniform.

“Draco!” You shout, pushing your arms through a shirt, “We need to get up, we’ve missed the first hour.”

Draco rolls over, groaning. Fastening your skirt, you kneel on the bed, “Love, we have to get up before the bell.”

He blinks his eyes open, grinning sleepily at you. Your resolve almost breaks then and there; happy to say to hell with it and get back into bed with him.

“I’m free second lesson,” Draco mutters.

You roll your eyes, kissing his lips briefly, “I’ll see you later?”

He nods, stretching his arms above his head, “I’ll see you later.”

Grabbing your outer robes and your bag, you rush from the Room of Requirement, fastening your tie as you bound down the stairs to Transfiguration.

“Where have you been?” is how you’re greeted by Miriam, your close friend and dorm mate.

You shrug, biting your lip knowing that there was no way you could lie yourself out of this.

Miriam narrows her eyes at you, “You never came back to the room after dinner and then you didn’t show up at breakfast. I was seriously worried. Where did you go?”

You look either side of you; checking that there’s no-one listening to your conversation, “Can you keep a secret?”

Miriam rolls her eyes, “Of course I can.”

“I was with Draco Malfoy,” You rush out in a single breath.

Miriam’s eyes widen and she pulls you to one side, “You were with Draco Malfoy? All night?”

You nod your head. Miriam puffs out a breath, “Well I didn’t expect that. How long have you been seeing each other? Tell me everything please!”

You laugh, “It’s almost ten months now, and I’ll tell you more at lunch, I promise.”

Miriam bites her bottom lip; glancing between you and the now open door to Transfiguration, deliberating whether it would be worth skiving the entire day to hear about your exploits with the Slytherin Prince.

She sighs heavily, deciding not to risk McGonagall’s wrath, “I want to hear everything at lunch – do not leave anything out, promise.”

Laughing once more, you cross your finger over your heart, “I promise.”

-----

Until lunch, Miriam sends you excited glances and knowing smiles. In between second and third period, she comments on the fact that she didn’t even think that you were seeing someone – not to insult you, but she just assumed that you holed yourself up in the library where you studied as late as you could.

Miriam practically bounces up to you when the bell rings announcing lunch. She keeps her questions to herself until you both take a seat at the Hufflepuff table, filling plates up with whatever took your fancy.

“So how did it start?”

You take a sip of pumpkin juice before beginning, “Over last summer, my family got invited to one of the many balls thrown by his parents. I don’t usually go to those things, but my parents asked me to join them this one time; I think they were worried because I’d spent too much time in the garden studying the plants. So I went with them and Draco’s father asked him to ask me to dance and it all stemmed from there.

“He sent me a letter the day after thanking me for an entertaining evening and wondered whether I would want to meet up again. I agreed and then from there it evolved into this.”

Miriam’s smile drops into a frown when she asks her next question, “Why keep it a secret? Was it his decision?”

You shake your head fiercely, “It was both ours. We were both equally as worried about the fallout from our families and our houses.”

“But surely if Lucius Malfoy asked Draco to dance with you, he wouldn’t mind?”

You tilt your head, thinking, “Perhaps not. He wouldn’t mind the blood status, but he might mind my being a Hufflepuff,” You shrug, “Anyway we haven’t gone public yet.”

“Ten months is a long time to keep this a secret.”

“It’s not like it hasn’t been hard and that there haven’t been times where I wanted to shout it to the entire wizarding world, but for now, it’s a secret.”

Miriam nods; the frown still expressed on her face. She reaches out her hand to yours, taking it tightly, “You’ve told me now though so that’s a shoulder to lean on should it get too much again.”

You beam at your friend, “Thank Merlin for you, Miriam.”

Miriam goes to reply but she’s distracted by someone approaching the Hufflepuff table. She lets go of your hand and nods her head to something behind you.

Turning in your seat, you find Draco patiently waiting. You smile at him, “Draco, how can I help?”

“I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute… about our last History of Magic lesson? You see, I didn’t take any notes and I was wondering if you had some.”

You smirk, “Why don’t we go outside? That way I’m not cluttering up the table for the others that are still eating.”

Draco grins, nodding at you understandingly, “Wonderful idea. Lead the way.”

Hoisting your bag on your shoulder, you send a wink in Miriam’s direction. She returns one with a laugh before beginning to eat once again.

Draco follows you from the Great Hall and to a less busy corridor. You lean against the wall with a smirk, “Now did you really want my notes, or did you already miss me?”

“More the latter than the former,” Draco admits with a small smile. He frowns though as he takes in your uniform, his eyes running up and down, “Is that my shirt?”

You look down at your clothing, only now realising that the shirt you had put on in a hurry this morning was indeed Draco’s. The arms being too long that you had to roll them twice before you could even start writing something.

You giggle, “I think it is.”

“I only wondered when I had to walk back to my common room shirtless.”

“No!” You shout, delighted at the thought of Draco running shirtless through the corridors.

Draco laughs, nodding, “I had my outer robes of course, but there was very little underneath.”

You clap your hands in sheer delight, “I’d give you back your shirt, but I’ve become awfully fond of it, you see.”

“Oh you have?”

Nodding, you say, “I have. It smells a lot like you which is great for when I miss you.”

Draco groans, throwing his head back, “If we weren’t in public, I’d be kissing you senseless right now. I didn’t realise how good you would look in my shirt.”

“Why don’t you?” You challenge.

Draco’s mouth drops open, “What?”

“Kiss me senseless.”

“Are you sure? We’ve kept this secret for so long,” Draco comments, a finger pointing between your two bodies.

You shuffle closer to him, “I’m sure. Ten months is long enough to keep you a secret, I’m happy to tell everyone now.”

Draco wraps you in his arms, not hesitating to kiss you. You gave yourself entirely to the kiss; pushing yourself off the wall and wrapping your arms around his neck. Your heart skips a beat when one of Draco’s hands starts to draw aimless patterns on the small of your back, sending heat rushing through your body. You sigh against his mouth before pulling away; repressing the urge to continue as the need for oxygen has become too great.

He presses one last gentle peck to your lips before grinning widely, “Are you really sure you want to go public?”

“Super sure. So sure in fact I’d make out with you again to prove my point.”

Draco raises an eyebrow, “Tempting but I say we go back to lunch. I think your friend had more questions.”

You grin at the thought of Miriam’s reaction to see you walking with Draco, “It sounds too good to pass up,” You hold your hand out to Draco, “Lead the way.”

It was all worth it when Miriam’s reaction to seeing you sit back down at the Hufflepuff table with Draco in tow was to spit out her pumpkin juice.

**************

General (HP) taglist: @chaotic-fae-queen @obsessedwithrandomthings @harrypotter289 @dreamer821 @kalimagik @heloisedaphnebrightmore @nebulablakemurphy @the-hufflefluffwriter @figlia--della--luna @bforbroadway @idont-knowrn @summer-writes @big-galaxy-chaos @black-lake-confessions @annasofiaearlobe @imboredandneedalife @levylovegood @mytreec @haphazardhufflepuff @teheharrypotter @chaoticgirl04 @accio-rogers @msmimimerton @izzytheninja @slytherinprincess03 @iamobscuring

Draco Malfoy taglist: @the--queen-of-hell @obx-beach @obxmxybxnk @sycathorn-slush @dracomalfoyswifey

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cinderridge · 3 years ago

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Discord Roleplay Help

We’ve been asked a few times how a group roleplay on Discord actually works, and so we’ve put together a guide to let you know what to expect, and what is expected of you as a writer in a group roleplay on Discord!

What Is Discord?

Discord is a free application for deskptop, web, and mobile, that is used to host detailed chatrooms, called servers, for any size group, as a space to chat, share pictures, and build a community. It’s a brilliant communication tool, and is the perfect platform for managing a roleplay. It looks a little intimidating at first, but is incredibly easy to use, and very user friendly. Don’t hesitate to reach out to the admin team if you’re having trouble navigating!

You can find a more in depth guide on how to use and set up Discord here.

Why Discord?

Long story short? Community. Everything happens in the server, from plotting to OOC chatting, to roleplaying, and it means the roleplay as a much tighter sense of community than on Tumblr, or a forum. You can easily keep up with what everyone is doing, as well as your own plots, and it means you have everything you need in one place. The actual roleplaying isn’t dissimilar to roleplay on a forum or Tumblr, writing is exactly the same, and in some cases, it’s actually easier to reply to your partner(s) on Discord than it is on other platforms. It’s also a lot easier to organise group scenes, with lots of writers, for example fun party scenes, or big, dramatic finales.

What To Expect When You Join Our Discord Server

You won’t be able to see all of the channels (chatrooms in a server) in our server immediately, and so it might look a little empty, or like you’ve done something wrong, but we promise that you’re in the right place!

When you join the server, you will only be able to see our Foyer, and Application Centre. Here you can read our rules, say hello, and put in your application. Our applications are for writers, not characters, so it’s even easier to get started and gain access. Our application process is pretty similar to standard, so it should be an easy way to ease into the Discord style.

Once you’ve been accepted, you’ll gain access to the majority of the server. This may look a little bit intimidating, but we have a map of the server to help you navigate. You can collapse sections (demonstrated below) to make things less overwhelming, if you need to.

From here, you can read all of our roleplay information, and submit your character. The process is almost identical to the application process, except we don’t require a writing sample/audition for your character, just their info!

Once your biography has been accepted, you’ll have access to everything else, including the chanels that you will be roleplaying in. We have different sections for the different parts of Cinderridge, and then individual channels for each location/building. You can see an example below.

Nicknames & Role Assignment

When your biography has been accepted, we ask that you change your nickname on our server as your ooc/ic name(s). For example, my name is Lottie, and I will be playing Abel, and so I change my nickname to Lottie || Abel. We don’t mind exactly how you do this, and you can even include a cute emoji if you want to, as long as the format is ooc name, then ic name. You can see a tutorial on how to do this below.

We have a channel called #role-assignment, which is where you can self-assign roles to let other members know your age, pronouns, and writing style. A role is a tag/label you are given on a server, which changes the colour of your name, and, sometimes, what access you have to channels. Users can hover over other users names to see what roles they have. There’s a guide on the server as to how to do this.

Roleplaying On Discord

Roleplay threads happen in location channels. Writing a response on Discord works exactly the same as a semi-literate/literate roleplay on other platforms. At Cinderridge, we write in third person, and ask that our members are comfortable writing at least two paragraphs (including lines of dialogue). You can see an example of a thread below from two of our staff members, Lottie and Bec, playing Abel and Rafi.

Discord Tips & Shortcuts

Here is a list of shortcuts and general tips for Discord formatting!

You can use *words* to create italicised text. You can use **words** to create bold text. You can use ***words*** to create bold & italicised text. You can use __words__ to create u͟n͟d͟e͟r͟l͟i͟n͟e͟d͟ underlinedtext. You can use >words to create a | quote block. You can use >>>words to create | multi-line block. You can use ~~words~~ to create strike through text. You can use ||words|| to create a spoiler (your text will be shown as a black box, which is clicked on to reveal the text) You can use _ _ to create a blank space.

!!!! You can press shift+enter to create a new line. Be careful when starting a new line, as pressing enter without shift will send your message. !!!!

That’s it for now! If you’re still confused, or need to know something we haven’t included here, feel free to send us an ask and we’ll be happy to answer.

#discord rp #discord tips #cinderridge tips #discord roleplay #roleplay tips #rph #rp tips #rp help

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poetrusicperry · 4 years ago

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the poets go to ikea for the first time !!!

sooo this morning i made a list of things i have to take back to college with me and i always pack my stuff in these big, blue ikea bags which got me thinking about what the poets would be like in ikea bc i genuinely cannot do anything anymore without thinking about how the poets would do it HAHA. so here we are lol– i hope you guys like this !!(:

neil: something tells me that neil would really enjoy ikea. there are so many tiny little relics and fun decorations to browse as well as models/displays that are so nicely put together. just the right kinds of things to appease neil’s hidden juvenile wants (since he never got to experience a real childhood with his parents treating him like an adult since he was like 8). for example: all of the neat little stuffed animals and children’s bedroom sets that have all sorts of fun colors, etc. neil would appreciate the whole aesthetic of the store as well, liking how well-organized and modern it is inside. would definitely hide behind pieces of furniture in the displays to scare todd. also he is in charge of pushing the cart (that charlie is proudly sitting in bc he doesn’t want to “walk around everywhere”).

todd: like neil, todd appreciates the feel of the place bc he’s always had a bit of an interest in interior design, but is a little bit overwhelmed with just how big it is both outside and inside. desperately wants a djungelskog bear (which neil buys for him, bc of all the things neil struggles with, saying “no” to todd is certainly the biggest one). genuinely freaks out every single time neil scares him, even if he should see it coming after the second or third time. trails behind the group, (as he seemingly always does), taking special note of certain things he’d like to have in his own house one day (’:

knox: upon being invited, he seemed hesitant bc it’s just a furniture store, big whoop (”will there be girls there at least?”), but once they got there he was incredibly thrilled that there was a cafeteria and insisted that they go there both before shopping and after shopping (”look at how big the store is, don’t you think we’ll be hungry again by the time we’re done?”). definitely would rather be doing something else, but is just happy to be spending time around his pals (:

charlie: as previously stated, king of the cart. refuses to get out and walk because it’s “a big store and he’s tired.” neil doesn't mind pushing him, though. fully embraces the semi-chaotic feel of ikea during the weekend (so many people, which is not good for todd, but charlie full-on thrives). he would also insist on actually buying a few pieces of new furniture for his and cameron’s room (completely oblivious to the fact that he will actually need to assemble the pieces himself until they get down to the warehouse), even though it would most definitely be confiscated by mr. hager (”they’ll only confiscate it if they find it,” charlie says, to which cameron replies, “i’m pretty sure a full size vanity and bureau would be pretty easy to scope out, dumbass.” then they both flip each other off). he is definitely the reason knox decided to come after charlie begged him for at least ten minutes (”c’mon, knoxious, it’ll be fun! even if there aren’t girls there, you’ll still have me to look at (;”). offers to buy neil a couple of the stuffed animals he’s been eyeing bc he just wants to see his best friend happy. has to go back up and around the store to take note of numbers of the furniture he actually wants bc he didn’t understand how it worked (”all that time in the cart, wasted” and ”they should really have like an instruction manual before entering the store??”). and enlists meek’s help trying to find the right boxes of parts because “he’s smart like that”. still stays squished in the cart even when he puts all the boxes in it

meeks: just along for the ride, honestly. he just likes spending time with his buddies, but isn’t hesitant about going out and doing things like knox (“i’ll try anything once!”). gets into a pillow fight with pitts in one of the displays, garnering the attention of an ikea employee who sternly asks them to “act their age” and to “fix all the things they made fall on the ground”. the most adventurous eater at the cafeteria; tries the swedish meatballs and really likes them (”we have to come back here just to eat these again, guys”). rates each display on a scale of 1-10 and gives reasons for why he likes things and why he doesn’t (mostly in a joking way).

pitts: bumps his head on some of the hanging arrow signs that direct you into the next section of the store, sighs after every time. buys matching stuffed animals with meeks (’: is the designated driver, and never asks for gas money from his friends bc like knox and meeks, he just likes hanging out (but they give him gas money anyway !!). asks neil for a turn pushing the cart, which neil agrees to. when in control of the cart, bumps it into things, much to charlie’s displeasure (”wouldn’t peg you as a horrible cart driver since you’re the only one with your license, but alas, i was wrong”). feels v bad for getting in trouble w meeks about the pillow fighting and makes sure to fix any messed up things in any of the displays following the incident. also unsure of how much space is in the car for charlie’s boxes, leading him to argue against the purchase of any items.

cameron: also didn’t get the allure of a furniture store, but tagged along because he wanted to get off campus (and really does care about making time and hanging out with his friends, though he’d never admit that). pickiest when it came to the food court/cafeteria (”i just don’t want to try it, why do i need a reason ??”). actually considered buying a new desk organizer, but refused when charlie said it would look great on their new vanity (”charlie, they’ll confiscate that, too. how many times do i have to explain it ??”). unlike meeks, seriously rates each display on a scale of 1-10 talking about how some of the colors just don’t go, and it hurts his eyes to look at it. lowkey got lost for a bit and freaked out bc he couldn’t find anyone, but caught up with todd finally when they were exiting the kitchenette section. this caused him to ask what todd was doing all the way back behind the group, leading to a small, but nice conversation they had (”just making some notes about things i like for later on” todd had said. “that’s really cool, todd,” cameron smiled back at him, unknowing that todd was most certainly picking out things that not only he would like, but neil, too). finally caved and helped charlie build the new furniture when they got back because as much as he couldn't stand charlie sometimes, it made for an incredibly interesting bonding session.

anyway, that’s all. i feel like the poets out in public and not on campus just harness a complete chaos anywhere they go HAHA. idk if this sucked or not, but it was super fun to write hehe. happy sunday i don’t want to go to work tomorrow, but such is the life of someone who has rent and bills to pay in the coming months, sigh

#dead poets society #neil perry #todd anderson #charlie dalton #steven meeks #gerard pitts #richard cameron #dps headcanons #ikea is actually sick #but you really can get lost HAHA #dps #dps boys #anderperry #neil and todd

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t0wnspersonb · 5 years ago

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Forever (Tsukishima Kei x Reader)

Anonymous said:

idk if anyone has done this but, can i request for kei tsukishima. where the reader and him are about to graduate, and she’s scarred that since everything’s gonna change she thought that he’ll lose interest and break up w her. but the ironic part is that they actually end up getting married and having kids lmaoo, pretty pls 🥺

Anonymous said:

Can you write sometimes where reader is pregnant and she’s hesitant to tell tsukki but he finds out anyways and it’s all angsty but ends on a fluffy note! (can this be when they’re in college?) also i LOVED your tsukki stories okay they’re my favorite!

~~~~

Word Count: 2,787

Summary: You and Tsukishima have been together since you were kids, after you had given birth to your guys’ first child Tsukishima revisits the past.

~~~~

I decided to combine these requests! I hope you guys don’t mind! This gave me all the fucking feels so I hope you guys like it! Again, I’m still shuffling through my inbox, I’m sorry that it took so long for me to write this one anons! Please enjoy and let me know what you think:)

~~~~

“I c-can’t! I c-can’t do this without Kei!” You cried, tightening your grip on Yamaguchi’s hand.

The rising hysteria could no longer be beaten down, genuine fear overtook your body. It overshadowed the overwhelming feeling of pain, the urge to push being bitten down as your eyes scanned around the hospital room frantically.

He still wasn’t here.

Could you have a panic attack in the middle of giving birth? You thought so.

“Y/n-chan.” Yamaguchi soothed, gently smoothing your sweaty hair away from your face. “He’s on his way, there was an accident a couple miles out from the hospital. The roads are blocked, traffic is at a standstill. But Tsukki will be here, I promise. But you need to start pushing now, it’s not safe for you or the baby to keep holding this off.”

You whimpered softly as you gazed up at your childhood friend, his freckled face was calm and reassuring.

At least… at least Yamaguchi was here right? You weren’t doing this entirely alone.

But sadness still gripped at your heart, Tsukishima was going to miss the birth of his first child. He wasn’t here.

“Mrs. Tsukishima. You have to start pushing now or we will have to do a C-section instead.” The doctor stated firmly.

Yamaguchi squeezed your hand gently.

“O-Okay.” You whispered out.

You started pushing.

****

Hours later, you were asleep in the hospital bed, completely knocked out from pure exhaustion.

Beside you, your husband cradled your newborn close to his chest, gazing down at the small baby boy with the softest expression.

Tsukishima had barely made it in time, right before the final push. The fear and guilt that Tsukishima felt was still present in his heart, but… love and complete joy was there as well.

You and the baby were safe and healthy. That’s all that mattered to him. His eyes glanced over at Yamaguchi, he was asleep in one of the other chairs in the room. He would have to take him out for dinner in thanks for being with you when he couldn’t.

God, he felt like a terrible husband.

The meeting at the museum had run late, and while the both of you knew that the baby was going to be due any day now… he didn’t think that it was going to happen tonight.

“Mind if I take him?” a nurse asked quietly, Tsukishima looked up at her in surprise and nodded, carefully handing his boy over so they could finish doing their checkups.

“Get some rest.” She said pointedly before leaving the room.

Tsukishima sighed softly, removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. He was tired. But not like you.

He reached for your hand, the one that was curled close to your face, carefully lifting it up and pressing a soft kiss to your knuckles.

His expression was soft as he stared at your sleeping face. Tsukishima had never felt luckier in his entire life.

The fact that you were still his after all these years, the fact that you brought his beautiful son into the world… he was truly blessed.

Tsukishima’s lips twitched into a small smile as he thought back to the past.

***

You sat on the gym floor, rolling the volleyball around absentmindedly. It was just you and Tsukishima, the silence between the two of you was comfortable. Tomorrow was graduation day, tomorrow was going to be the start to a new journey.

Your eyes glanced over at the tall blonde, he was finishing up some last-minute stuff for the volleyball team.

Biting your lip softly, you turned your attention back to the volleyball that was in front of you.

The feeling that you had beaten down since the beginning of the year could no longer be buried.

You had to ask.

“Kei?” you called out softly.

“Hmm?”

“Are we… do you… do you like me?”

He looked over at you, a dumbfounded expression covering his handsome face. “You’re joking right?”

You huffed at him in annoyance, a soft pout taking over your features.

He sighed, closing the notebook he was currently writing in, facing you directly. “We’ve liked each other since we were kids Y/n. We started dating in middle school. Why are you asking me something so stupid?”

“Well do you love me?” you tried again.

“Yes.”

Oh. You looked away from the blonde male, doubt and unease still clouding your heart. This was stupid. Asking him those questions wasn’t truly going to give you the answer you really wanted.

You heard Tsukishima sighed loudly, hearing the soft squeak of shoes against the floors, and then he was pulling your chin up, forcing you to stare at him.

He was squatted down in front of you, his lips turned down in a frown. “What is it?”

“Nothing.” You mumbled, attempting to avert your eyes from his own.

“Don’t lie. Something is obviously bothering you. Tell me.” he demanded, his grip on your chin tightening only slightly.

You weren’t sure what it was in his face, but you felt tears begin to cascade down your cheeks. Much to his surprise and yours.

“Y/n -”

“You’re going to break up with me!” you wailed, all of your feelings bursting from you like a broken dam. “You’re not going to want me anymore once you go to college… you’ll find someone better, prettier, more athletic than me! Everything is going to be different after tomorrow, you’re not going to love me the same way and -”

His hand covered your mouth, stopping the flood of words that were rapidly escaping your quivering lips.

“Are you stupid?” he asked incredulously, his eyes holding a fiery passion as he stared at you intensely. “Why would you say such ridiculous things? I thought you were smarter than that. You’re acting like Hinata.” he scowled, stretching and pulling at your cheeks.

“That hurts Kei.” You whimpered out, but at this point you had stopped crying.

“Good. It’s punishment.” he said bluntly, pinching your cheeks harder.

“Ow, ow, ow!”

He finally released his grips on your cheeks, sitting down in front of you as you rubbed at your sore face, sniffling slightly.

“Have you calmed down now?” He asked, reaching up to wipe the remaining tears from your eyes.

You nodded wordlessly.

“Good. Now listen closely.” he said seriously. “You seriously think that after all the years we’ve been together I’m not going to want you anymore just because we’re going to different colleges? Have you forgotten that I deliberately chose a college that was close to yours so that I could still see you every day?”

You didn’t say anything, so he continued on. “Do you really think that I would be unfaithful to you, and look at other girls just because you won’t be by my side as often?”

Again, you were silent.

“You really think that I’m going to want someone smarter, prettier, more athletic than you? I’m going to be too busy worrying about your stupid ass the entire time that I won’t even have time to think about my classes, much less try to find someone else.” You started getting more nervous as Tsukishima’s voice gradually began increasing.

“Of course, things are going to be different after tomorrow.” He said, tone sharp and biting. “That’s to be expected, we’re graduating high school Y/n. Nothing can stay the same forever.”

He was right. Tsukishima was always right.

“But…” his hand cupped your face, urging you to look at him. You felt your breath catch in your throat, his expression was full of adoration, his gold eyes burning into yours.

“One thing will never change, and that’s how I feel about you. I love you. I want only you. Don’t you ever question that again dumbass.” he murmured, leaning forward and capturing your lips in a passionate kiss.

****

Tsukishima’s lips twitched at the memory; you were truly a crybaby back then. While it had gotten better over the years, you still cried about everything.

Tsukishima felt his stomach twist as he thought about when he had truly made you cry. He still felt guilty about that.

It wasn’t even that long ago when it had happened.

*****

“You need to go to the doctors Y/n.” Tsukishima said, frowning as he watched you rinse your mouth at the bathroom sink.

You had just finished puking your brains out for the third time that day. This has been going on the past couple of days, both of you under the impression that you were coming down with a stomach bug.

“I made an appointment for later today.” you mumbled, drying your face against the hand towel.

“Do you want me to take off of work to take you?” he asked, gently wrapping his arms around your waist.

You shook your head. “The museum needs you Kei. I’ll be fine.” you said quietly, leaning back into your husband’s strong chest.

He hummed softly, pressing a gentle kiss to the side of your neck. “If you say so… I’ll be leaving first then.”

You waved goodbye to him at the door, watching him drive off.

You sighed softly, heading into your office to finish up some last-minute work. It had been three years since you guys had graduated college, both of you finally getting to work at your dream jobs, Tsukishima at the museum, and you, working at a design firm.

Things were finally falling into place it seemed. You guys had only gotten married last year, and it was just a couple of months ago that you guys had finally bought your first house.

Life was good. Really fucking good.

The ring on your finger caught your attention as you typed, pausing for a moment to appreciate its beauty.

Tsukishima had kept his promise. He’s continued to love you unconditionally. He even married your dumbass, something that you hadn’t imagined at all.

Yes, life was really good.

Nothing could go wrong at this point.

Right?

Wrong.

Fuck you were so wrong.

You inhaled shakily, wringing your hands together nervously as you stared at the doctor in shock.

“You’re… are you sure? Can we take it again?” you asked, voice shaking.

“I’m very sure. But we definitely can do the test again.” The doctor said.

You nodded. Maybe it was defective? Maybe the second time it would…

No.

It was still the same.

It was still positive.

You were pregnant. You were definitely pregnant.

It wasn’t a stomach bug. It was morning sickness. You were already six weeks along.

You were too busy in your life to even realize that your period was late, you had thought it was from the stress of work and moving.

The rest of the day you were on edge, you couldn’t even focus on your work.

What did this mean for you?

No… what did this mean for your relationship with Tsukishima.

You guys had never talked about having children, it something that was never brought up.

What if…

What if Tsukishima didn’t want kids?

The tears flowed easily down your cheeks at the thought, your hand resting on your stomach unconsciously.

But this was… this was Tsukishima’s baby. The man you loved the most. You already knew deep in your heart that you loved this baby.

The thought that Tsukishima wouldn’t, the thought that Tsukishima might not want anything to do with you or baby caused more tears to fall down your cheeks.

You didn’t say anything to him for three weeks.

The fear you held ate away at you, you wanted to tell him, but each opportunity that came up, you backed out.

Until one day when you had come home from the grocery store, Tsukishima was staring blankly at the tv. His hands folded in front of his face; his expression unreadable.

“Kei are you ok-”

“How long?” he interrupted you, his eyes holding so many different emotions as he stared at you.

You frowned in confusion at his statement. “I don’t -” “How long have you been pregnant Y/n?” he cut you off, rising from the couch at full height. He glared down at you.

You could feel your lips tremble. “You have to understand -”

“How long?” he repeated again.

“I’m nine weeks.” You whispered, tears stinging your eyes as you stared at the carpet beneath your feet.

You heard his sharp intake of breath, your body flinching hard at the noise.

“When did you find out?” he asked.

“Three weeks ago.” You whispered.

“Why… why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me the minute you knew!? Why did I have to find out that my wife is pregnant from a voicemail the doctor left on our phone!?”

He’s… Tsukishima has never yelled at you like this. Your head snapped up to see his furious expression as he stared you down with an icy glare.

“Kei you have to understand I was scared! I didn’t know if you -” you were reaching for him, only for him to jerk his arm back at your touch, stepping further away from you.

“Don’t touch me.” he said coldly. “I can’t believe you. I’m leaving.” he walked past your trembling form, grabbing his jacket and his car keys, the door slamming behind him.

Your heart broke, you collapsed onto the floor. Loud sobs escaping your lips as you hugged yourself. One of your hands clapped tight over your mouth as you desperately tried to quiet the despair that was coming from your lips.

****

By the time he had gotten home it was incredibly late, Tsukishima had never felt more exhausted in his entire life.

He quietly closed the door behind him, discarding his coat and keys onto the kitchen table.

He fucked up.

He shouldn’t have overreacted like that. He shouldn’t have left you like that.

He just… he didn’t know how to handle it. He was angry because you kept such an important secret from him. He was shocked because - well - because you were pregnant, something that wasn’t planned at all. He was scared because… what if he wasn’t a good dad?

He definitely didn’t feel like a good husband right now.

His heart broke as he took in your form. You had cried yourself to sleep, curled up tightly on the bed, your hand clutching at your stomach protectively.

He had hurt you so much, he had left you when you needed him the most… you dealt with a large burden on your own, all because you were fearful of how he was going to take it.

He fucked up.

He hated himself.

Tsukishima had to make it right now. The thought of losing you forever. The thought of losing his child forever, he couldn’t stand it. Carefully he slipped under the blankets, his long arms wrapping protectively around your body as he pulled you tightly against his chest.

He buried his face into your hair, his grip tight on you. His hand gently pushed yours away, his fingers rubbing carefully against your belly.

A baby.

You were carrying a baby in there. You were carrying his baby.

He’s never loved you more than this moment.

“Kei?” you whispered; you woke up when you felt your body being tugged into a familiar chest.

“I’m so sorry.” he whispered back, kissing the skin behind your ear. “I shouldn’t have acted that way… I just… I’m sorry. I love you. I’ll love you forever Y/n. I’ll love our baby forever. They will want for nothing. I’ll take care of you. I’ll take care of both of you. Don’t leave me.”

You felt tears sting your eyes once more, your hand gently rested on top of his. “I won’t leave Kei. I love you.”

He squeezed you tightly to his chest, his fingers tracing patterns into your stomach as you both began to drift off into sleep.

****

“Mmm… Kei?” you mumbled sleepily, eyes gazing at your husband. He was staring off into space, his hand still holding your softly.

Your soft voice snapped him out of his thoughts, his eyes finding yours immediately.

“You did so well.” he praised, gently pushing your hair away from your face. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be here sooner.”

You shook your head, leaning into his touch. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

He didn’t say anything as he continued staring at you, gently touching your face with soft fingers.

“He’s beautiful.” he finally said.

“Takes after his daddy.” you cooed, eyes fluttering back shut in exhaustion. You felt a gentle pressure of cool lips press against the top of your head.

“Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Tsukishima breathed out.

So you did.

Tsukishima’s heart has never been more full.

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu angst #tsukishima kei #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima x you #tsukishima fluff #tsukishima angst #one shot #tsukki #tsukishima kei x reader #haikyuu reader insert #husband tsukishima #request #tsukishima reader insert

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a-clockwork-justice · 4 years ago

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Everything I Love About Loser Geek Whatever

So, not too long ago, it was the third birthday of Loser Geek Whatever. Yes, I know the single was released on November 30th 2018 and its considered the song’s official birthday, but the 26th July three years ago was the first showing of the 2018 Off-Broadway revival of Be More Chill and the first time Loser Geek Whatever was shown to the world in any capacity. Therefore, I consider that day to be the song’s unoffical birthday and I’ve been waiting to write down everything I love about it so here I am. (This was originally gonna be posted on the 26th July but I can’t make anything concise so it took longer than that).

I’ve gone on and on about what Loser Geek Whatever means to me personally, how a slew of random chance introduce me to it, got me deep into Be More Chill, introduced me to 90% of my current friends, and overall up-ended my whole life, but now it’s time to dissect the song itself and why it’s so great. As much as I adore Loser Geek Whatever, it could’ve easily been any other song that threw me down a rabbit hole and that I could’ve latched onto- no, wait, it couldn’t have been, because Loser Geek Whatever is unique in that way. I did about a year of music at A-Level so I’m gonna delve into some of the technical aspects here too. I’m chronicling this mostly for myself so I am going as deep as I see fit because this song is a treasure hiding yet more treasures. If you happen to love Loser Geek Whatever as much as I do, this’ll be your goldmine.

So, grab a snack my fellow fans, because here’s a comprehensive list of everything to love about Loser Geek Whatever in roughly chronological order. Long post incoming:

The song starts off strong from the first millisecond - I don’t know what instrument(s) they used but just listen to the single version again - that opening chord blares at you like a siren. It calls for your attention, screaming this is incredibly important, and indeed it is. That chord, an F chord, has no indication as to whether it’s major or minor - it’s just the tonic F with its dominant C and another tonic F above it. In other words, it’s unresolved, it hangs in the air. From a narrative standpoint, Jeremy is at a crossroads, torn between giving into the SQUIP or staying loyal to Michael, and the music paints this. It has the same effect on both the single and album versions - I always hold my breath as it holds, it’s the gap in this crucial transition for Jeremy between who he was and him becoming something he isn’t.

To continue the thread of musical painting, the melody line contains the accidental E-flat which doesn’t belong to the key of F major. This once again illustrates Jeremy’s uncertainty, but there’s more - the whole introduction is a slowed-down version of the Apocalypse of the Damned theme from Two Player Game, arguably the point in the show when Michael and Jeremy’s relationship was at its strongest. Jeremy’s recalling everything he had with Michael, but the slowing down of the melody shows hesitancy, along with highlighting the accidental E flat. These latter points of course aren’t unique to Loser Geek Whatever - they’re also in the section of Upgrade that twins with Loser Geek Whatever. I’m just laying out why they work so well.

I’m glad I waited until after I saw the show in London to finish writing this - I’m something of a Loser Geek Whatever purist, as made clear by my ire at them cutting it in half and tacking the end of Upgrade back on for the London version. I still enjoyed the show in London though and I’m glad I knew about this change ahead of time, because they did change something about the song that I think really worked - they added two notes in the bass to each bar, like heartbeats, which once again signifies Jeremy’s uncertancy and the importance of this major turning point.

It’s been firmly established by this point that Jeremy is a loser and he knows it. He doesn’t want to be a hero, he just wants to survive, but there’s a difference between that and feeling “inconsequential.” Jeremy is basically admitting that, in his eyes, it doesn’t matter to the world or anyone except Michael if he even survives or not. He’s not just a loser, or a geek - he’s a whatever, with no one caring who he is. And he’s felt this way for years - since middle school began. He’s now in his Junior year of high school - that’s five years of being in this state of being unnoticed at best and picked on at worst. He’s “the one who’s left out”. With just one little line, hell, one word, we’re given more layers as to why he so badly wants to change that.

Moving from the first verse to the chorus, we start to see Jeremy’s attitude shift, from being sad to being angry - he’s frustrated, resentful that he’s spent so long in this state (A lot of people have made similar comparisons about Will Roland’s Jeremy as a whole in relation to Will Connolly’s Jeremy and I think this song exemplifies that). He doesn’t deserve to feel this horrible - not now and certainly not for the next two years until he and Michael can be “cool in college.” When you think about it, what options does he really have? He could either give into the SQUIP or reject it and go back to where he was, still miserable and lonely. Yes, he has Michael and Michael is an amazing, kind, loyal best friend, but as many have pointed out, he’s also dismissive of Jeremy’s feelings of inadequacy whether he means to be or not, which only made Jeremy feel more lonely. Should Jeremy just expect to feel better about himself at some point before college? He’s waited for years, why would that happen at any other point?

More layers baby! Second verse, Jeremy rants on about his father’s advice about following his own instincts and how it’s gotten him nowhere he wants to be. Come to think of it, Michael’s advice about staying the same and waiting for their environment to change can be seen as similar - it’s arguably easier for Michael as he has two loving mothers who undoutably give him plenty of positive reinforcement. Meanwhile, Jeremy’s mother has left them, which likely instilled further feelings of not being good enough, and his father has fallen apart to the point where he can’t even put pants on, let alone step up to take care of his son, meaning that Jeremy likely isn’t going to take his advice very seriously, especially after it’s failed him so thoroughly. But to Jeremy, the problem isn’t necessarily the advice itself - it’s that it’s being followed by him. So now he’s going to turn around and put his life and every choice in something else’s hands, even if - no, especially if it goes against his own instincts. It still doesn’t feel quite right, it “feels bizarre”, but it’s getting him somewhere, so it has to be right in the most meaningful capacity, and to Jeremy, the “most meaningful capacity” is any capacity that isn’t his own.

Now the best line - the one about being a “normal, handsome guy”. Let’s get this on the table - Jeremy is trans. Will Roland himself said that he often thinks of the show’s young trans fans when he sings that line. Naturally, societal transphobia plus gender dysphoria would have a pretty catestrophic effect on the self-esteem of any growing teenager, even more so one in Jeremy’s situation for the reasons I’ve just laid out. He’s probably missed out on a lot of things that “normal” guys take for granted, with most girls barely looking in his direction, let alone in any positive manner. Jeremy’s own sexuality aside, it’s mostly society, and the SQUIP by extension, that considers scoring with girls to be a “manly” or masculine activity, and through Brooke treating him as dateable material, Jeremy feels better about fitting into society’s rules of how a man should be and act. This isn’t the only reason he feels good about Brooke finding him attractive, of course, but it’s just another layer that Jeremy sees more value in conforming to how society says he should be rather than in how he actually is.

I know I just said that the last point was about the best line, but honestly, there’s more than one best line in this song. The bridge is where we start to see Jeremy’s language becoming more technologically inclined - “prompt”, “command” and “bandwidth” are all terms used in computing and used to show how Jeremy is likening himself, or his intentions, to a computer, effectivly merging himself and his SQUIP into one entity and Jeremy willingly giving over his own individuality.

And HERE, we get to the kicker. I’ve talked a lot about layers throughout this whole essay, about themes and motifs building on each other. Jeremy is essentially peeling back the layers of his own situation and only finding reason after deeper reason after deeper reason as to why he should follow the SQUIP and not be a loser anymore. Now, he hits the core, the seed, the crux of it all - “The problem has ALWAYS BEEN ME!!” Everything he is, everything that makes Jeremy Heere himself, is and has always been wrong. This line is a gut punch and EVERYONE knows it - the performer always takes a few seconds to let it sink in before continuing.

As an aside, I wanna mention the differences between the single and the album versions of the bridge. The album version starts of quieter after the vocalising of the last chorus, and builds up to the climactic final line, while the single version is loud all the way through but gets even louder and punchier at the end. Both are good, but I personally prefer the single version - the album sounds like Jeremy is broken and desperate and on the verge of tears as he reaches his inevitable but ugly realisation. The single is also desperate, but it’s pleading and all-consuming and a THOUSAND times more powerful, I get chills every time I hear it. (Side note, the London version starts of loud like the single and ends quieter like the album, almost as if Jeremy is reluctant to admit what he truly believes about himself, and it’s easy to see why, it’s a damn harsh condemnation).

“Take a breath and get prepared” - Jeremy sings to both himself and the audience. The first half has been heavy and we need a breather. Yet just before he goes over the brink, he has second thoughts. His conscience, his own voice in his head, breaks through, warning him that his choice will have consequences for other people than himself. People will get hurt - Michael most of all. Not just by Jeremy ditching him; here’s something else - when Jeremy is the “cool dude”, he might end up being a bully to those who are losers just like him, cutting them down just as Rich’s SQUIP made Rich do to him. Who would be the perfect target for Jeremy’s potential future bullying? His former best friend and fellow loser, Michael Mell. It’s pretty damn likely that if the SQUIP hadn’t optic nerve blocked Michael, it would’ve told Jeremy to pick on him, and even though Michael has ostensibly been pretty good at brushing these things off before, the takedowns would hurt a LOT more coming from his former best friend - and we know this because IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS, granted without the SQUIP influencing Jeremy directly (also let’s just clear up that just because the SQUIP wasn’t on doesn’t mean its influence on Jeremy hadn’t disappeared - that’s not how emotional abuse works).

Twelve years of loyal friendship, of borderline unhealthy codependency … can he throw all that away for Christine, a girl he’s thus admired from afar and is only just starting to get to know as a person? Moreover, even if Jeremy gets Christine, what about himself, who he wants to be? He just wants to be something other than himself because he thinks that anything is better but … what? The cool dude, the hero or … whatever. He’ll take anything because he’s that desperate, but what about when he gets it? Will he finally be satisfied? Will it be worth failing his one real friend, an act so scummy that the only way he could possibly stomach it would be to somehow pretend he hadn’t done it?

But none of those questions matter to Jeremy now - he’s fully gaslit into believing that every thought and inclination that comes from himself is wrong and shouldn’t be followed. He needs to sync up with the SQUIP and the rest of the world and mute his own defective inner voice. When you think about it, the relationship between Jeremy and the SQUIP is one of the most intense abusive relationships ever put to fiction - we’ve seen emotional abuse and brainwashing before, but here, Jeremy is literally preventing from THINKING the wrong way because the SQUIP can detect his every thought. See what I mean when I say that doesn’t go away when the SQUIP turns off for a few minutes?!

Throughout all of this is the undercurrent of Jeremy wanting to get better. He’s been trying so hard for so long to have a better life, but nothing has worked. Not listening to his dad, not trying to get closer to Christine through theatre, and certainly not listening to Michael’s advice to wait until college. Why should he resign himself to even more time being miserable with no end in sight? After all, being cool in college isn’t a guarantee. After all he’s been through, it’s his turn to finally be cool, after an eternity of being someone he doesn’t want to be.

Another best line in this song - “I’m Player One.” As mentioned a few times in the show before, like in the Broadway upgrade, Jeremy feels lower even in his friendship with Michael - he’s Player 2 as the more experienced Michael is Player 1. As previously established, Jeremy admits that he’s “not the one who the story’s about.” Now he’s ready to finally take control of his life, be the main character and have good things happen to him, and that means cutting out Michael, the old Player 1. The irony here is that Jeremy is less like Player 1 and more like a video game avatar. In reality, the SQUIP is Player 1, making Jeremy do whatever it demands of him.

More best lines! The slew of insults towards the end serves not just as yet more gut punches for the audience but as a major catharsis for Jeremy - It’s telling that the insults get harsher as his rant goes on, from the “weirdo” to the “weakling freak” to the “failure” to the climactic “please don’t speak”. He’s unloading everything that he’s been carrying over the years, ripping out the bullets that have been embedded in his skin and re-opening all the wounds in the process, but he’s done with the pain and he’ll never ever let himself be hurt like that again, if he follows the SQUIP.

I’ve made a whole post about the significance of the best line “Please Don’t Speak” before so I’ll mostly be repeating a lot of what I said there because it’s been a while since that post and because I want to. Who would’ve said that to Jeremy? Probably not Rich or Chloe, it’s not like them. It had to have come from an adult in a position of authority that could’ve commanded Jeremy not to speak like that - one that apparently did so enough times for him to internalise those words like he did the others. (Even worse if it was more than one adult ...). Out of all of the insults, it’s easy to see how that can easily be the most scarring out of all of them - how would an adult let a child know they’re inadequate? By silencing them. Making it clear that their expression of self not only means nothing, but should be forcibly avoided. Put like that, it makes it much easier to see how and why Jeremy fell under the SQUIP’s influence so easily - telling it was hardly different from authority figures he��s experienced before. In even more sad irony, as Jeremy claims that he’s breaking free and letting go of his past as the “please don’t speak”, he’s just walking right into another, similar trap that he can’t easily escape from. The SQUIP literally vocal cord blocks him during The Play - if that doesn’t say “Please don’t speak,” what does?!

The climax is growing! The music shifts into the relative minor as Jeremy fully gives in to the SQUIP’s evil influence. This is the point of no return, the point where he’s literally being surrounded and overtaken - if you’ve seen this on stage or even just a bootleg, you’ll know what I mean, when the lighting shifts and the circuitry start closing in around him, it’s wonderful. The bass ascends, Jeremy declares once and for all that HE IS NOT THE LOSER, THE GEEK, OR WHATEVER, and he never will be again! As some have pointed out, the sequence of notes on the final “again” is the same as at the end of Be More Chill Part 2, except the last note is different. In BMC part 2, it goes further down by a minor third, but in Loser Geek Whatever, it rises up to the same note it started with. This foreshadows Jeremy’s fate - that he will eventually overcome the SQUIP and that he still has it in him to do so. Man, let me just point out how amazing that last belt is - it lasts for a full 15 seconds in a really high range and takes a LOT of control to bring it back up to the high B without breaking. This song really was written for Will Roland - his voice can pull it off seamlessly, but other actors and understudies have had to find workarounds. No disrespect to them, it’s a damn hard song and it kicks ass all the way through. Scott Folan apparently had trouble with it too, but on the day I happened to see him, he pulled it off without breaking, so props to him!

Overall, Loser Geek Whatever is my favourite song in Be More Chill and not just for its sentimental value to myself. It’s a genuinely deep, complex piece that earned every second of its six minutes. Loser Geek Whatever is definitely the missing piece the show needed - not only is it Jeremy’s solo song, it’s also his “I Want” song and, in a way, his 11 o’clock number all in one, as he’s having a major epiphany after going on a journey, albeit only half of one. It’s easy to see why Joe Iconis dubbed this his anti-Defying Gravity, but it’s also easy to draw parallels to No Good Deed - how both Jeremy and Elphaba vow to become something that society is forcing upon them rather than what they are, even if that society’s will is objectively worse for them. Loser Geek Whatever deserves a thousand times the recognition it has and I still wonder to this day what the fandom reaction would’ve been if it had been in the original soundtrack.

So, that was it. I’m not sorry it was this long.

TL;DR: Loser Geek Whatever is wonderful and anyone who doesn’t think so is wrong.

#be more chill #loser geek whatever #joe iconis #will roland #be more chill meta #music theory #broadway be more chill #be more chill 2.0 #be more chill 3.0 #musical theatre theory #tw depression #jeremy heere #michael mell #be more chill analysis #tw emotional abuse #trans jeremy heere

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study-coffee-chicago · 4 years ago

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Stars on your Sleeve (Part 2) [A Jay Halstead Imagine]

A/N: The name of the girl is Y/N (I mostly write my imagines in second person POV...except for the one you guys might see in a few weeks) and cariña is just a nickname/term of endearment in Spanish that means sweetheart. Sorry if anyone got confused about that in part one!

"Dad," you started as you walked into Jay's office after school that day.

It was a Thursday and you had taken the bus from school to the district. It wasn't often that you did this, but you had gotten texts from both your mom and dad telling you that the current case was going to drag on and on tonight, so they wanted you at the district so that you wouldn't be home alone until two or three o'clock in the morning.

"Hi, cariña. How was your day? Learn anything interesting in school?"

"Dad," you groaned. "It's high school, half the stuff they teach me I won't ever use again."

"Well, excuse me for wanting to know about my daughter's day."

"Just can't wait for this week to be over to sleep in."

"You and me both, kid."

"Half the time you work weekends though, Dad," you pointed out.

"Comes with the sergeant title."

"And your sleeping in is like 7:00."

"Point taken. Now, did Mom pack you a few extra snacks or do you need some money for the vending machines?"

"She didn't--"

"Don't even finish that sentence, young lady," Hailey said as she burst into Jay's office. "I packed you a few extra things and you know it. You just want--"

"--Oreos," Jay and Hailey said at the same time.

"Hey, don't blame me! They taste good," you protested. "Anyway, Dad, can I use your laptop to do my homework?"

"Don't you have that school-issued one?"

"That one blocks Netflix."

Jay crossed his arms across his chest. "Homework, huh?"

"I'm just writing a paper. It's not like I'm doing math or reading something."

"What type of paper?" Hailey asked. "Because, I'm pretty sure that if it's a research paper, you need to focus."

"It's a narrative, so I don't need to be constantly focused, Mom."

"Makayla does the same thing," Adam said as he entered the office as well. "Let the kid have the laptop, Jay."

"Thanks, Adam."

"Uh," Jay groaned, "I guess."

"We also have a lead, so you wanna roll out after I give you the info?" Adam asked.

"Yeah. Sorry, Y/N, you need to go into the breakroom now."

"But why can't I stay in here?" you whined. "I want your spinny chair."

"Y/N, this is a case," your mom told you. "You know the rules: no being around the case talk. It's for your own good, we don't want to scar or scare you."

Mom, you know what I've seen, you wanted to tell her, but you knew it would be no use as your parents would never budge on this rule.

"I know, Mom."

Jay pulled his laptop from his desk along with the charger. "Rules?" he probed, holding onto the laptop and charger.

"Dad, I know the rules. Mom, c'mon, tell him."

"It's your dad's laptop, Y/N. I'm not arguing with you or him on this one."

Jay cocked his head to the side. "I'll give you the laptop after you tell me the rules...even though I know you know them."

You sighed. You went through this every time you used his laptop when he was going to be gone. "Only use my account, don't try to login to your account, and do not delete my search history."

"Here you go." He handed you his laptop and charger. "Good luck on your paper. Don't work too hard."

You went into the breakroom and opened the laptop. First, you pulled up Netflix, and then you pulled up your paper. It was your paper for your senior portfolio, which most people were putting off, seeing as you were only a freshman, you didn't need to work on it yet. But, you knew it had to be long, so starting it now would probably be helpful.

The paper was basically a narrative telling a story about each year of school. The stories had to be from two to five pages long, which meant that the paper in its entirety would be between 26 and 65 pages long. But, you didn't mind. It's not like you had to write a boring research paper. You also had to write about your career goals and one wish for your future as well, which would make the paper even longer still.

Seeing as your schooling didn't exactly match up with the American school system until you were around nine and in third grade, you had gotten permission from your teacher to just write about the sections of kindergarten, first, and second grade, as just memories from when you were six, seven, and eight years old.

You'd save the memories of six and seven for later, since you'd have to dig into the part of your brain where you were in the orphanage with your older sister, Illiana.

For now, you just scribbled down a few lines for ideas of when you were eight years old...which was pretty simple since a lot happened in your life that year.

***

"Y/N, we brought you some food if you--"

"Shut up!" Mouse hissed as the rest of the unit clambered up the stairs and into the bullpen. "She's sleeping."

Yes, when Mouse came home he returned to his job as the tech analyst of the Intelligence Unit. And, when Jay became sergeant, he pulled a few strings and got him a huge salary increase.

"I'll pull the car around front," Hailey offered.

"No," Jay whined. "That means I gotta be the bad guy and wake her up."

"Sorry, babe. I call dibs."

"Ew, guys, please keep the lovey-dovey nicknames to home. I don't need to see that," Adam joked.

"Shut up, Ruz."

Hailey swiped the keys from Jay's office and Jay went to wake you up. But, before he did, he saw the laptop, still open to both Netflix and your paper.

There wasn't much in the paper yet, as Jay had expected, only a few bullet points. His name caught his eye below the age 8 section...whatever that meant. He didn't mean to pry (well, really he did), but he closed the laptop without logging you out so that he and Hailey could take a look at it later.

"Y/N, Y/N, wake up."

You were woken up by someone gently shaking your shoulder.

"Quiero dormir, vaya," you whined. That was one thing you always did: reverted back to Spanish when you were tired. At least both Jay and Hailey understood it now because they had learned Spanish...which helped them with parenting because when they were mad at you, they'd talk in Spanish and that's how you know you were in deep shit.

"I know you want to sleep, and I'm not leaving," Jay answered. "But, we're going home so you can sleep in your bed instead of here."

"Mmmm, okay," you mumbled. You rubbed your eyes, but then decided it was too much work to get up, so you just sat up and closed your eyes once again.

"C'mon, cariña. Mom's got the car out front and then all you gotta do is stay awake until we get home, okay?"

"Mmmm," you mumbled and then stood up. He already had your backpack slung over his shoulder and was holding his laptop in the other hand. "Can I skip school tomorrow? I'm tired."

"Not a chance," Jay chuckled. "But, I can drive you to school and we can get you a frappucino on the way there."

"Mom won't be mad?"

"We don't have to tell Mom everything now do we?"

"No, we don't."

***

"What are you doing?" Hailey asked Jay as she slid into bed next to him that night. "Are you seriously checking our daughter's search history this late at night? C'mon Jay, she's a good kid. You won't find anything."

"That's not what I'm looking at. But, now that you mention it, I should probably check that, too."

"Then, what are you reading? Because I know for a fact that your case notes are definitely not as organized as that."

"Wow, Hails, you're so sweet," Jay said sarcastically. "It's Y/N's paper. The rubric was pasted at the top and it looks like she has to write about a memory from each year of her life and her career goals and a wish for the future."

"And you were snooping because...?"

"Because I saw my name. I wanna see what she says about us, Hailey."

"Jay, she loves us, baby. We're her parents. We both know that. You don't need to read her schoolwork to know that."

"Either way, I'm still reading it. Join me if you want, or go to sleep."

"Uh, fine. But if she asks, this was your idea and I will not hesitate to throw you under the bus."

Age 8, they both read to themselves, leaving/running away from orphanage

"God, no matter how many years it's been since she told us what happened, it never fails to break my heart," Hailey said.

Jay wrapped one arm around his wife. "I know, babe. I feel the exact same way."

"Hey, Y/N," the therapist started and you looked up at her. "Do you want to in that room over there and watch some tv while I talk to jay and Hailey? I can even turn on the Spanish movies for you."

"Okay!"

After getting you all set up, she left you in the room with a Spanish children's movie playing while she went to get Jay and Hailey.

"Jay and Hailey?" she asked as she entered the waiting room.

"Dr. Smith," Jay greeted.

"I have something to tell both of you, and Y/N told me it was okay that I tell you. When I asked if she wanted to be the one to tell you this, she said no because she didn't want to make you sad."

They entered the room where you had previously been and Dr. Smith sat in a chair and Jay and Hailey sat on the couch.

"What's this about?" Hailey asked.

"Well, she told me why she ran away from the orphanage."

Jay and Hailey were shocked. You'd been with them for three months and hadn't once mentioned why you ran away and what happened before Jay found you. It wasn't for lack of trying on Hailey and Jay's part, though. They tried. After all, they knew how to talk to child victims. But, they didn't want to push you too hard, and eventually, they just dropped the topic all together because they knew you'd talk about it when you were ready. Apparently, today was the day that you were ready to tell that story.

"And?" Jay pushed. "Why'd she run away?"

"She said that they came for her, the people who you were fighting," Dr. Smith said.

"Los Rebeldes," Jay said, more to Hailey than to anyone else.

"They came for her specifically?" Hailey asked.

"No, they just came to the orphanage. She said that she heard voices--male voices--telling them to get down on the ground and then some shots rang out. Her sister, Illiana, told her to hide and slipped the necklace around her neck. So, she did. She said she closed her eyes really tight and she just laid there, hiding and barely breathing. She said she heard a gunshot and then she heard Illiana scream and she heard squishing noises."

"Oh my God," Hailey gasped.

"You're saying they shot and killed her?" Jay asked, his voice cracking.

"That's what it sounded like, yes."

"How did she get out?"

"She said that she snuck out through a small door in the back of the room. She said it wasn't a real door, but it was a small door that led to the outside, by her description, it sounded about three feet tall and two feet wide."

"The waste doors," Jay muttered.

"The what?" Hailey asked.

"The waste doors...well, that's what we called them on Base anyway. They were these little doors where you could place stuff outside. Sometimes we'd put the packaging of our MRE's there or other crap we didn't need anymore. Not good for the planet, but yeah, that's what we did."

"So, Jay, you're telling me that Y/N essentially snuck out of the orphanage through a trash chute?"

"Well, we used them for waste, which is why we called them waste doors. But, I heard rumors of them being used at orphanages for parents to put their baby in a crib. They'd just open the door and place the baby in the little crib on the other side of the door."

"She moved the crib and snuck out through there?"

"If there was a crib, then she moved it and got out. If not, she just crawled out through there."

"Did she tell you anything about when she left?" Hailey asked Dr. Smith.

"She said that she didn't have much with her, just her teddy bear and that locket. But, she said that she walked for the rest of the day. And, according to her timeline, the soldiers came right after breakfast. She said she was really scared that they were going to find her and so she just kept walking. But then, she found a bit of a forest it sounded like and since it was starting to get dark and cold, she laid down."

"I found her in the middle of the night and she must've been there since sunset. No wonder she was hypothermic."

"We got her her first banana split after that therapy session," Hailey said. "I honestly don't know whether the food was to get her to try something new or to comfort us."

"Yeah, that was a rough night. I didn't even want her to leave my arms," Jay said. "Jay found me and I went home to Chicago," he read aloud. "Man, that night was rough, too. Probably worse than the night where we found out why she left."

"Now, it's crowded here, cariña so stay cerca to us or go mano a mano with me or Hailey, okay?" Jay asked you as the three of you found a parking spot at Navy Pier.

Adam, Kim, Kevin, and Will were all there as well. They had planned to go out and party and go to a bar when Jay returned home, but that changed now that he and Hailey had a kid to take care of, so they had decided to take a trip to Navy Pier.

In the airport, Jay had gotten a huge coffee from Starbucks, seeing as he had barely slept on the way home. Before coming to Navy Pier, you had gone to a place called iHOP where you had gotten some really yummy pancakes, and Adam, Kevin, and Will had made you laugh a lot and Kim spoke Spanish with you.

"What does that word mean?" you asked.

"What word?" Jay asked, looking down at you as he took your hand.

"Cr-crowded," you sounded out slowly.

"Uh, it means there's lots and lots of people."

"Oh, okay. I stay by you."

"So Y/N, what do you like to do?" Will asked you.

"I like reading and play fútbol," you told him.

"Really? Jay loves playing soccer!"

"We played back at the big house in España," you told Will excitedly. "We won and I got lots and lots of goals."

"Looks like you have a pro soccer player on your hands, little brother," Will said to Jay.

"Don't I know it."

"We go on the big thingy you showed me in the little book in the plane?" you asked Jay.

"The Ferris wheel?" You nodded excitedly. "We can do that, but let's walk around first. We might be able to play some games and win you a friend for Osito."

"Really? Osito have a friend?"

"Really," Jay promised.

As you walked down Navy Pier, you were excitedly pointing out every little thing you saw from the ducks and the seagulls to the big yachts floating down the Chicago River.

"Let's go into Garrett's, babe," Hailey suggested when they were inside the big atrium. "Give her a taste of Chicago's world-famous popcorn."

"I think that's a great idea," Jay agreed. "What do you think, cariña? Want to try some popcorn and then we'll get your favorite?"

You tilted your head to the side. "Popcorn? What is that?"

"Palomitas," Kim clarified for you in Spanish. "Hay muchos tipos diferentes de palomitas allí para probar y comprar."

"Oh, okay. Yes, please."

"What did you say to her?" Hailey whispered to Kim.

"Just gave her the Spanish translation of popcorn and then told her that there's a bunch of different types of popcorn that she can try and buy in there. But, you and Jay most definitely have your work cut out for you when it comes to learning Spanish. You're lucky that she's pretty good with English already and that I'm here to help you learn Spanish."

***

"Sleepy, cariña?" Jay asked as he heard you yawn from the backseat.

Hailey was driving and he was holding a big bag of caramel and cheddar popcorn...which Hailey was telling him not to eat all of it because she knew he would. You were in the backseat with your big stuffed bear, whom you had named Osita since she was a girl bear because she had really soft white fur and a pink ribbon tied around her. Jay had won that for you when he played a shooting game. You also had a stuffed duck that Will had won for you when he played a guess the weight game. You named him Pato...which meant duck in Spanish. You had gone on the Ferris wheel and had pointed out all the pretty things in the sky when you were up there. Hailey had never seen Jay so happy as when he was smiling wide at every little thing you pointed out and he tried to explain to you what they were.

"No," you answered as you laid your head against Osita. It was currently 3 pm Chicago time, which made it about 9 pm Spain time.

"Tell you what," Hailey started, "When we get home, we can show you your room, and then we can watch a movie and eat this popcorn. Because, if we don't start eating it soon, Jay will eat it all."

"Jay eat it all if we no eat it too?"

"Jay eats a lot," Hailey joked.

You reached your hand in front of you and towards Jay. "Palomitas please." Jay chuckled and Hailey smiled as he put some popcorn into your little outstretched hand. "Gracias."

"De nada," Jay told you.

"When we watch movie, how I get it?" you asked.

"We get it on the tv," Jay told you.

"No, how I know what they saying?"

Hailey hadn't thought that far ahead when she had suggested watching a movie. "Um," Hailey faltered. "We can make it so it's in Spanish."

"But then you no know what they say," you pointed out.

"We can put words on the bottom of the screen in English for us," Jay suggested. "Then all three of us will know what they're saying. Is that okay?"

"Okay!"

"Hailey," Jay whispered. "What are we gonna watch?"

"She's too old for princesses probably and way too young for action movies...how about Disney Channel movies? We could try High School Musical? That one's pretty good."

"You're kidding Hails. You watched that? Didn't it come out when we were like 20 or 25?"

Hailey held back a laugh. "Yes, it did. But, I babysat a lot of kids in my neighborhood who were around Y/N's age, and we'd always end up watching those Disney Channel originals."

"Okay, whatever you say, babe."

***

"I think I'm gonna bring her to bed," Jay said.

You had fallen asleep halfway through the movie. Before starting it, you had seen your room. It was purple! And, in black letters behind your bed, it said Salon de Y/N, which meant Y/N's room. Jay assumed that Kim had helped Hailey with the spelling and the boys had helped move the furniture into your room. There was also a little basket with a few things they thought you would like, such as a few different colored soccer balls and a bookshelf.

On the bookshelf, Hailey had picked out some books in Spanish that she had found at Barnes and Noble and some short chapter books in English that she used to read as a kid, such as the Nancy Drew series and Little House on the Prairie. She knew that you might need help reading them and might not be able to completely understand them all by yourself yet, but she knew that she and Jay would be there to help you.

"It's 6:00," Hailey protested. "Shouldn't we wake her up and have her stay awake for a few more hours so that her body can adjust?"

"If you're asking an adult like me that, yes, I'd stay awake. But, she's a kid. She needs her sleep. And, I'll probably be up before you anyway, so I can deal with her if she wakes us up at five in the morning."

"Okay super dad," Hailey joked. "Bring her to bed. I'll make us a quick dinner and cover this popcorn so it doesn't get stale. Can't wait for us to go to bed tonight." She winked.

"Hails, as much as I would love to take you up on that, I don't think it's a good idea when it's Y/N's first night. But, I will give you all the cuddles in the world tonight, don't you worry about that."

"As long as you didn't pick up the habit of snoring overseas then I'm all for that, babe."

***

Jay woke up to the sound of soft whimpering. It sounded like it was coming from the hallway but he couldn't be sure. He reached over Hailey and was about to grab her gun from her drawer where he knew that she kept it, but stopped when he remembered that it was probably just you. It wasn't just Jay and Hailey in the house anymore; you were there as well and that's probably where the noise was coming from. And, he didn't want to scare you by holding a gun.

He glanced over at the clock. 3 am. Yeah, sounds about right that you'd be waking up right about now since you'd slept for about nine hours and it was 9 am in Spain right now.

Jay slowly tiptoed out into the hallway, cursing himself that he hadn't left a light on or kept his and Hailey's bedroom door open so you could find them easily.

Jay reached out for the hall light switch and flicked on the lights, causing you to jump. "Hey, hey, it's just me. It's just Jay," he said calmly once he laid eyes on you. You were holding Osito and there were fresh tears running down your cheeks.

Jay never knew the force of an eight-year-old running into him could be so strong as to almost knock him over. You dropped Osito and wrapped your arms around him as if your life depended on it.

"It's okay, it's okay," Jay soothed. "What's wrong, cariña? Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I-I no know where I was," you mumbled into his shirt. "Was dark. Think you and Hailey left, so I came to find you."

"Oh, sweetie," Jay started. "I'm sorry. I forgot to turn the light on for you in your room so that you'd know where you are. And, me and Hailey would never leave you."

"You promise?"

"I promise." Your stomach grumbled. "Hungry?" you nodded. "Alright, let's get you a sandwich and then get you back to bed."

"You eat too?" you asked.

"You know, I could go for a sandwich."

***

The next morning, Hailey rolled over to see that Jay wasn't in bed next to her and his side of the bed was cold. Then, she remembered you and walked over to your room and slowly opened the door. You looked up from the Spanish book you were reading and put a finger to your lips.

"Jay sleeping," you told Hailey.

Jay was sitting upright in your bed against the headboard, his thumb holding a place in what looked to be a Nancy Drew book.

"Did Jay read to you last night, huh?" Hailey asked as she walked closer to you and Jay.

"Yeah, he told me that Nancy does what you and Jay do with policia. Then, I sleep again and then I wake up and he sleep again, so I started reading in Spanish."

"I think we should let him sleep a little more while we go finish High School Musical and eat palomitas before Jay eats it all. Does that sound good?"

You nodded eagerly and closed your book. Then, you got out of bed and followed Hailey out of your room. And, after hearing that Jay had read to you and seeing him sleeping upright in your bed so that you'd be able to sleep, she had one more reason why she was truly head over heels for the man she married and got to call her husband.

"Look, Jay. She wrote her birthday in here for age 9," Hailey said as she pointed to the laptop screen.

"God, I don't think I'll forget that day for the rest of my life. It was such a good day."

"You are such a sap when it comes to Y/N."

"Hey! let me be sappy about our daughter, Hailey Anne. She's in high school now, high school. That means she'll be going off to college soon."

"Don't get too far ahead of yourself, sergeant," she joked. "Just keep reading this. It was your idea to snoop through her stuff after all."

"Jay, you got the stuff?" Hailey asked as she was sitting cross-legged on their bedroom floor with wrapping paper, tape, and scissors in front of her.

"Jesus, Hails," Jay laughed, "You make it sound like we're doing a drug deal."

"Well sorry if I want her birthday to go really well. Now, did you get them or not?"

"They're in here." He set a plastic bag down on the bed. He took out three framed pictures and laid them out on the bed. Of course, he made sure that the frames were different shades of purple. "Good?"

Hailey stood up and looked at the pictures. "I never know the CPD's sketch software could work miracles like this, so yeah, I'd say we did good."

Over the past month, everyone in Intelligence had told you that they were testing out a new sketch software to use to try to track down criminals. They let you play with it because they said they wanted to see what it would do...even though they knew what it did, how good it was, and it wasn't new. It was just a ploy to make sure they got your birthday gift right. They had told you to try and input someone's face from memory, someone like your older sister, Illiana.

So, when you had to go to the district for the day with Jay and Hailey, you'd ask to play with that software to work on your sketch. Little did you know, they were printing it out on fancy photo paper and putting it in a frame for your birthday. Jay had also swiped your necklace one day when you had taken it off to go swimming and had taken pictures of what your mom and dad looked like. Then, he and Hailey each took one parent and worked on making their faces through the CPD's sketch software.

"Now what the hell is this?" Jay asked as he held up a big board that Hailey had laying out in front of her as well.

"That, Jay, is so we can stick the back of the frames to it so that we don't have to give the three of them to her separately. Then, she can just take them off from it and place them wherever she wants in her room."

"You're smart. Maybe you should've gone to law school."

"Haha, very funny, Halstead. But then I wouldn't have met you."

"Eh, I beg to differ. You'd probably end up being some prosecution or defense attorney and then I'd have to testify, and after getting yelled at by you on the stand, I'd end up making an ass of myself and ask you out for a drink."

"Is that so?"

"That is very much so."

He walked up to her and grabbed her by the waist and she gave him a peck on the lips. "Hails," Jay whined. "Why'd you phone it in?"

"Because we have presents to wrap. Now, sit your ass down on the carpet and help me."

"Yes ma'am. But, damn, you're really going to be the death of me."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

***

"Before we do cake everyone, me and Hailey have one more gift for Y/N," Jay announced by tapping a fork gently against his champagne glass. Yes, the adults were drinking champagne because they were celebrating your first birthday with them as their kid. No, they wouldn't even give you one sip...but you didn't care and you didn't ask.

You had gotten spoiled all day. Will had taken you out for breakfast where you had gotten chocolate chip pancakes with all the toppings. Then, he took you to the sporting goods store where you bought an FC Madrid jersey and to Barnes Noble where you bought a few new books.

Then, when you got home, you were surprised to find everyone from Intelligence there along with some people from Med, and firehouse 51. Emilia, Mouse, and Makayla were there, and your friend, Rosa, whom Emilia had introduced you to earlier in the year at her welcome home party since Rosa was one of Emilia's little cousins.

You had gone outside and played a huge soccer game. And, when you got sick of playing soccer, Emilia busted out a makeup kit she had bought for you. And you, Makayla, Emilia, and Rosa did each other's makeup. While the four of you were doing makeup, a soccer tournament had broken out where Intelligence played Med, and then the winner of that game played Firehouse 51. Intelligence won against Med...mostly due to Jay. But, then they played 51 and they got creamed.

"Here you go, nena," Hailey said as she passed you the gift. Hailey had started calling you nena since Jay had a nickname for you, cariña, which you learned now meant sweetheart in English. So, she decided to call you nena, which meant honey. And, you and Hailey had thought it only fair if you came up with a nickname for Jay. So, the one you decided on was quite fitting in your mind: pecas...which translated to freckles. And, Will, well Will calls you Osa because your favorite animal is a bear. It's probably one of only three words he knows in Spanish next to hola and adios.

The gift was long and hard...like a piece of wood. You slowly opened the gift, wondering what else you could have possibly gotten.

You bit your lip as you finished tearing the paper off and flipped it over. "Mamí, Papí, Illiana," you whispered as you held back tears. "¿Cómo lo hicisteis?" you asked. Seeing as Jay and Hailey had been working very hard on their Spanish for the past nine months, they could understand you and could sometimes explain an English word to you in Spanish if needed.

"We didn't really need to test out the drawing thing," Jay answered. "We just needed a picture of Illiana. And, I got the pictures of your parents from the locket."

At this, you started to cry harder, remembering that day when Jay had to cut your necklace off of you in the back of the Med truck in Spain.

You stood up and hugged both Jay and Hailey at the same time. Now, you had both of your families watching over you: your biological family from in heaven and your parents in the here and now. And, your biological family now had no doubt in their mind up there that you would never, ever forget them.

"You remember what she called us that night?" Hailey asked.

"How could I forget? It was the first night she called us mom and dad. I still remember her exact words when I told her we weren't trying to replace her biological family: Son mi familia en el cielo y en mi corazon, pero vosotros sois mi familia aquí."

"They're my family in heaven and in my heart, but you are my family here."

"Exactly."

"Oh my God!" Hailey laughed. "She wrote sixth-grade: I cheated on a literature test and Mom had to come to pick me up and I got in trouble. And then, Dad went full-on dad-mode."

"No fucking way," Jay laughed as he brought the laptop closer to him and looked for the sixth-grade section. "I can't believe this is what she's going to write about!"

"Well, in her defense, it was the first time we had to ground her and the first time you went full-on, overprotective, my daughter can do no wrong dad-mode."

"Pretty sure the next time I'll do that is when she gets asked to the homecoming dance later this year."

"Jay! You will not! You will not scare the boys away from our daughter!"

"Well, they should be scared!" Jay argued. "We're both cops, babe. We can make their death look like an accident."

"Jay, what you're talking about is murder and I shouldn't have to remind you that that is illegal. If so, I am going to the Ivory Tower tomorrow to get you stripped of your sergeant title."

"Fine, fine. The next time I'll do that is when she gets her driver's license."

"Hey, on the bright side, we wouldn't have to pick her up from the principal's office then," Hailey pointed out. "She could just drive herself home."

"We wouldn't have to figure out which of us should go pick her up like last time?"

"Exactly. And I'm pretty sure she was thankful that it was you and not me who picked her up in sixth grade."

"Miss Halstead," your literature teacher said as she stalked over to you from the other side of the classroom. "Care to tell me what you have under your sleeve?"

"My arm?"

"I don't like being disrespected in my classroom. We both know you have your phone in there. And, lying to me will just make this worse."

"I-I needed it," you stammered, not wanting to have the whole class hear how stupid you were.

"For a test? You know the rules: no cheating. Principal's office, now. Grab your stuff. And, I'll be calling your parents as you walk down there."

You grabbed your backpack and started your walk to the principal's office. It's not like you had a choice...well, you did have a choice. You could've just not used your phone on the test. But, after that last grade you got on that essay and how weirdly worded the questions were, you basically had no choice but to use your phone. It's not like you were using it to look up the answers per se, but you were using it to try and understand the questions because there was no way you were going to ask that teacher.

"Mrs. Halstead, right this way," you heard the office secretary say as they led Hailey to the principal's office. Your phone was sitting on the principal's desk, the tab you had been using to cheat open and you were fiddling with the strings of your hoodie. You had thought about deleting your search history, but knew it wouldn't be of any use because Jay and Hailey would just be able to look it up with whatever police software crap that Intelligence had access to. You knew you'd be in more trouble if you deleted it and they found out that you were lying, so you decided you wouldn't delete it...even though you were regretting that decision as your phone screen stared back at you.

"May I ask why my daughter is in the principal's office when I thought she should be taking a test?" Jay and Hailey knew all about your literature test that day as you had read the book twice to be ready for it.

"That's exactly why she's in here, Mrs. Halstead," the principal told Hailey. "She was trying to cheat on her literature test."

"She wouldn't do that!" Hailey defended you. "She studied so hard!" She looked between both you and the principal, but your gaze stayed trained on the floor.

"Just take a look."

He passed Hailey your phone and she looked at the search history and the timestamps of said history. "Y/N, is this true?"

You nodded. Hailey sighed. "I'm assuming she's suspended?"

"Since this is her first academic infraction, I'm not going to suspend her. She does need to go home for the rest of the school day, though."

"Thank you. C'mon Y/N, let's go."

You hung your head as you left the middle school, Hailey holding your phone and still trying to figure out why you did this. But she knew that one thing was for sure: the minute Jay got home, he would not be happy.

***

"You're kidding me, right?" you heard Jay ask Hailey in the kitchen.

You were currently in your room, but the kitchen was right down the hall, so if you were quiet and focused enough, you could hear their conversation.

"I wish I was, Jay," Hailey said. "Just...here, take a look."

You assumed that Hailey was handing Jay the phone and he was looking at your search history.

Jay took a deep breath and restrained himself from shoving the chair into the kitchen table.

You heard his heavy footsteps coming down the hall and quickly locked your door and then sat back down on your bed.

You heard the doorknob jiggle as Jay tried to open your door.

"Y/N! ¡Abras la puerta inmediatamente!" (Open the door immediately!)

You were in deep shit if he was yelling at you in Spanish.

You didn't move from your bed.

"¡Ábrelo ahora!" (Open it now!)

"¡Estoy viniendo! ¡Calmáse!" (I'm coming! Calm yourself!) You got up from the bed and opened the door.

"Do not ever, ever tell me to calm down ever again! Do you understand me?" Jay asked angrily as he flung open your door after he had unlocked it. You nodded. "Now, I understand that you were caught cheating on a test. Care to explain that to me?"

"Not really," you sighed as you sat on your bed.

"I'm giving you one more chance to explain to me why you chose to cheat. And I suggest you tell me the truth, kid."

You looked up to be met with Hailey standing in the doorway. She nodded to you as if to say you better listen to your dad.

"Well?" he asked as he crossed his arms across his chest.

"I needed to cheat!"

"Nobody needs to cheat!"

"Well, I did!" You dug through your backpack and found the paper you had to write for the class that your teacher failed you on. "Because of this!" You threw the paper on your bed. "And because my teacher is a puta!"

"You do not call your teacher a bitch, young lady!" Jay yelled.

"Jay!" Hailey yelled. "Take the paper, go to our room and read it and calm down!"

"So Mom can tell you to calm down but I can't?"

Jay turned back to you, but Hailey grabbed his arm. "Bedroom Jay. Now." He left the room and Hailey turned to you. "As for you. You're grounded from your phone for the foreseeable future. Sorry, nena. Now, we'll be back to talk to you after we've read whatever it is you threw on your bed."

***

"We read the paper," Jay said as he and Hailey entered your room again fifteen minutes later. "And, I'm sorry for yelling. I know me and your mom are both detectives, but it'd look better if you told us why you cheated instead of leaving us to put the pieces together."

"I'm sorry, I really am. It's just, I failed that paper. And, I worked really hard on it. And, she said it wasn't a real tradition."

The paper topic was to write about a family tradition and you wrote about the Spanish tradition of eating grapes on New Year's Eve. With twelve seconds left of the year, you'd put a grape in your mouth for every second that passed. You'd try to get all twelve grapes in your mouth, but that was really hard. You wrote about the last time you did it with your family and your papí almost got all of them in your mouth while you only got three in your mouth since you were only three years old at the time.

One of the grading criteria for the paper was that it had to be a real tradition.

"She said that it wasn't a real tradition, Dad. She said that because she had never heard of it and that it sounded weird to her, that it wasn't real. So, she failed me. I also put some Spanish words in there, but I put the translations next to it. I thought it would make it more...what's the word? It's kind of like real? Like it'd make it more real to read? You know that word for it?"

"Authentic?" Hailey asked.

"Yeah, that. I thought it'd make it more authentic to read. And, I knew the material of the book. But, the questions were so confusing and I didn't want to ask her to clarify because she's mean."

"So you googled the questions to try to figure out what they were asking?" Hailey asked.

"Yes. I'm sorry. I really am. I just didn't want you to be disappointed in me and think that I've been here for four years and not know English."

"Oh, cariña." Jay crouched in front of you. "We'd never think that. I promise. And I know Mom would never think that either, right?"

"That's right," Hailey agreed.

"Now, I have to go make a phone call."

"You went off on that teacher, Jay! I don't think I've ever heard you that angry when you weren't in interrogation!" Hailey laughed.

"Well yeah! That teacher's logic and grading criteria were seriously flawed. And, you read that paper. It was really good. As Y/N put it that day, she really was a puta."

Hailey rolled her eyes.

"Wish for the future," Jay read aloud. "I wish that I could figure out why Los Rebeldes came to the orphanage and killed Illiana."

"I think that's enough snooping through her stuff for the day, babe," Hailey said, beginning to feel uncomfortable reading this. "Let's just go to bed."

"Yeah, I'm just gonna take a quick shower and I'll be back, okay? I love you." He gave Hailey a quick peck on the lips and made his way to the bathroom to take a shower.

"I love you, too."

But, Jay barely heard her. He was so lost in thought about how to get answers for you, for his daughter. Hell, he wanted those answers just as bad as you. What kind of sick bastard would come into an orphanage heavily armed and just kill innocent civilians and innocent children?

***

"Mouse," Jay said as he entered the bullpen the next morning, "I need your help with something."

"Jeez, Jay, you're late," Ruzek commented. "Where's Hailey?"

"It's her RDO. And, I promised Y/N a frappuccino because she had to wake up early for school and had to go to bed late last night because we were working a case."

"Does Hailey--"

"No, Adam. Hailey does not know that I gave our fourteen-year-old daughter sugar-laced coffee this morning. And, if you so much as say the words frappuccino, Jay, and Y/N in the same sentence, I will bump you back down to patrol so fast you won't know what hit you."

Jay started to walk towards the tech area where he assumed Mouse would be. His voice carried, so he hoped he'd heard him when he'd said he needed his help.

"Whose idea was it to give Jay all this power?" Adam asked rhetorically. "I think it's going to his head."

"I heard that Ruz!"

"You needed something, Jay?" Mouse asked as he turned around from his laptop and took a sip of his coffee.

"Yeah, can you do something off the books for me?"

"You don't even have to ask anymore, man."

"Just need to make sure you don't assign a case number to it."

"I can do that. Now, what do you need?"

Jay pulled out his phone and pulled up a Spanish newspaper article from two weeks ago. He laid the phone in front of Mouse. "This. This is why I need you."

Mouse looked at the phone and back up at Jay with raised eyebrows. "I'm gonna need you to translate that. I don't speak Spanish."

"Says that the guy who killed everyone in the orphanage that Y/N was in is meeting with his lawyer about an appeal. That son of a bitch. And, it's happening on Monday."

"He's meeting with his lawyer on Monday or you'll know if he won the appeal or not on Monday?" Mouse asked.

"He's meeting with his lawyer on Monday."

"And you need me because...?"

"Think you can hack into Spain's maximum-security federal prison system?"

"You cannot be serious."

"I am dead serious, Mouse."

"Why don't you just wait to hear the news?"

Jay sighed and took a seat next to Mouse. "Y/N has to write a paper and was using my laptop. It was this narrative thing for her senior project, so it's due in a few years. But, I'll spare you the details. Y/N had to write what one of her wishes for the future was and she wrote that she wants to know why the guy killed everyone in the orphanage. Not who, because we already know that it was Raúl Rodríguez. She wants to know why."

"That guy's the one who told them to attack the orphanage? The one that killed her sister, right?"

"That's the prick."

"Okay, I'll see what I can do. I'd know that if it was my sister or my kid that I'd want to know."

"Thanks, man."

"Video and audio?"

"Yeah. I'm probably gonna get Emilia in on this too to translate."

"Why? Don't you and Hailey speak Spanish?"

"We do, but they're gonna talk really fast and I probably don't know law lingo except for the word lawyer."

"Fair enough. I'll get to work."

***

"Hails, Hails," Jay shook Hailey awake.

"Jay? Why are you home so late?" she asked as she rolled over and opened her eyes. It was almost 11:30 and she had gone to bed half an hour ago...she thought Jay would've been home by 11:00.

"Paperwork," Jay answered honestly. He instantly regretted his decision of waking Hailey up knowing her history of insomnia. "But, I shouldn't have woke you up. I'm sorry, babe."

"No, I'm awake now. What's up?" She sat up in bed and turned on the lamp to see Jay changing out of his clothes and into his pajama pants and an old t-shirt. "You don't have to sleep with a shirt on you know."

Jay smirked. "You'd like that, wouldn't you? But, don't want our daughter to walk in on me shirtless."

"She's spending the night at Rosa's," Hailey informed him.

"In that case..." Jay trailed off and took off his t-shirt along with his pajama pants so that he was just in his boxers. "Better?"

"Much better."

Jay pulled back the covers on his side of the bed and slid in next to his wife. She cuddled into his side and he wrapped an arm around her.

"What'd you want to tell me?" she asked.

"How do you know I wanted to tell you something?"

"You had that look in your eye, Jay Halstead. Now, tell me."

"So persuasive." He rolled his eyes playfully.

"Shut up."

"You love it, though." He gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "You know how Y/N's biggest wish was to know why Raúl Rodríguez attacked the orphanage?"

"Mhmm," she mumbled.

"Well, I'm gonna find out why."

She pulled away from him. "What? How? You're going to Spain? To interrogate him? You know the CPD doesn't have jurisdiction there even though you were a ranger there, right?"

"Hails, I'm not going overseas to find him. I promise you that."

"Okay." She settled back into his embrace. "Then what are you doing?"

"Having Mouse see if he can hack into the prison system so that I can watch the lawyer talk to him."

"And you're going to be able to understand everything they're saying?"

"No, but Emilia will."

"You called her and told her your plan before you told me?"

"No! The only person who knows is Mouse. I figured I'd call Emilia tomorrow. Like I said, I was just at the district late doing paperwork."

"Okay, I believe you. And, we're not going to have her in the room with us, Y/N that is? We're going to tell her why he did this so she doesn't have to hear it from him?"

"Precisely. Now, am I right in assuming that since Y/N's gone for the night that we can be as loud as we want?"

"You are very much correct in that." Then, he gave her a kiss...and this time, he didn't phone it in at a peck.

***

You were sitting in the breakroom Monday afternoon trying to do some American history homework. There was so much reading involved, but it was okay because you liked history. And, there were pictures in the textbook...it wasn't like you were reading Romeo and Juliet like you had to do in English class.

You knew Emilia was here because she had brought you some fries, much to your mom and dad's dismay since your mom had packed you a few extra snacks. But, Emilia said she had to hold up her reputation as your cool aunt...even if she wasn't related to you whatsoever. And so far, she was holding it up.

You didn't know why she was here, but you assumed it was because Kim was in the field and they needed someone to translate audio. Sometimes Jay would call in Emilia if he knew that she wasn't working to do some translating so he didn't have to deal with calling up a patrolman. You also knew from hearing some of his conversations with Will that Will wanted to ask her out.

And, you hoped she say yes. You wanted Emilia to be your actual aunt. Apparently, she had a thing for doctors according to Jay's side of the phone conversations you'd heard, so you hoped it'd work out if your uncle Will ever got the balls to ask her out.

All of a sudden, Emilia came into Jay's office and he took off running. Hailey saw this and she started following them.

"What?" you asked yourself.

They always would tell you if they had to leave and they'd always be sure to tell you they loved you before they left.

You quietly walked out of the breakroom and towards where you had seen them running to. You assumed they were in the tech area because of the direction they ran in and the fact that whenever Emilia was here, she was most likely in the tech room.

As you got closer, you started hearing Spanish.

Someone talking about an attack...an attack on an orphanage.

A man said it was in the Tabernas Desert.

You peeked your head around the corner to see that on the screen there was a man in a nice suit and someone sitting at a table with handcuffs on.

"Anything we don't already know?" Hailey asked.

"Not that it sounds like right now," Emilia answered. "They're just talking about the orphanage Y/N and Illiana were in and where it was."

So this is the guy who did it. This was the guy--no, the monster--who led the attack that killed your sister.

"The lawyer just asked Rodríguez why he did it," Emilia said.

"And?" Jay asked

"Jay, I need to be able to hear them talk, so shut up."

Jay held his hands up in a sign of surrender.

"The lawyer just asked if it was something personal, something like Rodríguez being an orphan and he didn't have a good experience there so he attacked it, something that would tug at the board of appeals heartstrings essentially." There was a pause as Emilia continued listening. "He said no." She paused again. "Oh my God."

"What?" Jay asked frantically. "Why did that prick kill innocent children?"

"He said he ordered the attack because the orphanage was receiving aid from the US, for things such as food, clothing, and basic necessities."

"Un-fucking-believable." Jay wanted to punch something, but he restrained himself. "So, because our country was helping those who couldn't help themselves, this prick went after them?"

"That's what it sounds like. I'm sorry, Jay."

"Hails, how are we going to tell Y/N?"

"You guys don't have to tell me," you said as you made your presence known. "I heard the whole thing."

Jay sighed. "I'm sorry cariña, really I am. I'm sorry that this happened to you. That you had to find out this way. That this was the reason for what that monster did. I'm sorry."

"Dad read my outline?" you asked, turning to Hailey.

"Yeah, nena, he did. It was just open and you know him, he couldn't stop himself."

"Because he's a detective before he's a sergeant, just like Nancy Drew," you said, bringing it back to the books you'd used to read with your dad every night when you had just come over to the states from Spain and were working on your English.

"This should never have happened," Jay said softly as he walked over to you and brought you into a tight hug. "People that do these kinds of horrific acts shouldn't have the right to be born, much less to live."

"But if that wouldn't have happened you wouldn't have found me. And I wouldn't have found my forever Mom and Dad."

A/N: I wrote over 6.5k words to get this posted today! That's a new personal record for me! Also, my neuroscience class is kicking my butt right now, so if I don't update as frequently, that's why. Hopefully, I'll get one out every week or every two weeks at the latest. Please like/reblog and comment because I love getting feedback and it keeps me motivated to write. If you want to be added to the taglist, just tell me and I’ll add you!

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e

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